#what do you call a cheeto in prison

[cinamun]

[horrifichaunts]

✏️ x 2 please :> (for muses uhhhh I offer Agatha, Charlie and Sammy.)

Send in ✏️ and I’ll use this (improved) incorrect quote generator featuring both our muses! (please remember to specify how many muses/which muses for multimuses!)

Henry, carrying a box: What would you say if- if I, hypothetically, came home with 7 kittens one day? Agatha: … Agatha: What’s in the box? Henry: What woul- Agatha: Henry, what’s in the box? Henry: I think you know.

-

Charlie: I am 39 cheetos tall. Henry: Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos? Charlie: Because we're out of doritos.

-

Sammy: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now. Henry: There are no books in prison. Sammy: *sighs* Thank you.

---BBBBBonus Aftons round---

Lavinia: I wanna sleep for 40 hours. Agatha: You know that's called a coma, right? Lavinia: Lavinia: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

-----

Mike: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset? Sammy: No, I said "Mike, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

----

Charlie: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one. Lizzy: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

[ashplayz]

Bored.. Jasper x reader angst

Bored…

Jasper entered your house earlier than usual but she saw no signs of you anywhere she in turn grew slightly Irritated as she called out to you.  "Hey Brat! Where are you?" She called out (silence) she grew more and more irritated by the second "Runt! Are you here!?" She called out louder this time sounding angry. Nothing she walked -stomped into the kitchen to find a note on the counter.

The note read-

'Hey Jasper sorry for not checking in ahead of

time but I'm going to be spending some time with some old friends of mine so I won't be home until late tonight. Help yourself to whatever you can find to eat (I still need to do the shopping..)  Also, Try not to destroy anything while I'm gone I should be back by 8 O'clock or 8:30

I love you.

-Y/n'

Why did she read that in your annoyingly adorable voice/tone.. She let out an annoyed growl under her breath altho truthfully she never really cared if you spent time with your friends or away from her it wasn't like you were her prisoner and she never expected you to check in with her before going out somewhere she knew full well that she didn't own you and of course she trusted you it was other people she didn't trust..

Jasper Rummaged through your pantry in search of a snack grumbling something under her breath. She pulled out a half empty bag of spicy Cheetos. (you really did need to do the shopping) Jasper then grabbed the last can of soda out of the fridge smirking to herself as she knew she was going to get an ear full from you later seeing as you had already called dibs on the last soda. She made her way to the living room plopping down onto your sofa and turned on the TV in search of a nature documentary. The time was 5:30 when she started watching TV but to be honest she wasn't really even paying attention to the time.

Hours had passed of Jasper watching TV and ignoring the clock completely, also choosing to ignore the setting sun. But when Jasper finally looked up from the TV she had a bad feeling in her stomach.. It was 11 meaning that you were supposed to be home at 8 or 8:30 at the latest it had been 3 hours since you were supposed to be home.. Witch wasn't like you you were the kinda person that made a point to be on time the latest you had ever been after saying you'd be there at a certain time was roughly 30 minutes late or less not 3 damm hours..

Jasper growled as she sat up and turned off the TV not knowing what course of action would be best she settled on just sitting there and waiting for you to get back figuring that you couldn't be gone for much longer.. But as the seconds turned into minutes then the minutes turned into an hour she felt herself growing more and more anxious but clueless on how to act on it. Before she knew it it was almost 1 in the goddamn morning it was past 12:30 and still. No signs of you. That's when the door slammed open to reveal you standing there in the doorway covered in blood wearing tattered and ripped clothes, bruises and cuts covering you from head to toe Jasper felt her chest tighten and felt light headed which was odd considering she was a jem..

She quickly stood up off of the couch and bolted over to you causing the whole damn house to shake she was yelling but it was almost like you couldn't hear what she was saying you then collapsed closing your eyes tightly although you weren't actually passed out you just didn't want to deal with reality in that moment. Jasper caught you and was still yelling demanding to know who did this but to no avail.. She picked you up bridal style and set you on the couch running out of the room no doubt to find one of the first aid kits you had around the house. Her heavy foot falls shook the whole house and even caused something to fall off the wall and crash into the floor. Normally you would have yelled at her for running in the house but you couldn't care less about what she was doing in that moment you couldn't care less about her..

Your whole body ached and throbed it felt like you were just hit by a bus but that was nothing compared to the throbbing of fury inside you. You weren't really Sure who you were more angry with in that moment.. The people who you thought you could trust yet attacked you.. Or Jasper.. One things for sure you were indeed angry With her.. Her quickly falling feet made their way back to you as she knelt down beside you immediately starting to try to patch you up yelling something but you were far too irritated to listen to what was being said once her movements ceased she grabbed both of your arms forcing you to sit up despite the amount of pain you were in "Jasper!" You cried out angrily tears in your eyes..  "Y/n. Who. Did. This.!?" She demanded to know in a dangerous tone you didn't respond..

(Silence..) "I thought I could trust them.. I thought they actually cared.." You finally spoke up "Tell me who it was. So I can bash there skulls into the earth!" She said in that tone that always scared you. "NO! I DON'T WANT THAT! I DIDN'T WANT ANY OF THIS!" You yelled you struggled to stand up but once you stood over Jasper she too stood up her hands balled into fists altho she didn't say anything.. "I.. I was just.. We were hanging out and I started to vent about some problems  I was having.. Because I was going crazy! I needed someone to talk to! And.. And they seemed really supportive at first.. I thought they actually cared.. But they.. They started to get really pushy.. I told them to stop but they wouldn't listen.. I tried to fight them off but.. I was outnumbered..  Thankfully I got away before they could do anything.. Else..  Jasper was silent, you wouldn't meet her gaze..

"Why didn't you talk to me. We are partners are we not?"  She asked then causing anger to flare up inside of you "That's a laugh! You're never here!! And even when you are here you don't pay any mind to me! And I tried to talk to you. you didn't listen!!" you snapped, she was looking down at the ground, her hair hiding her expression "I am just so-!" You were about to start in on her again but you drew back all the fire leaving your soul Jasper watched as that spark you had in you die.. And it killed her inside.

"I am so… Bored… I am so bored of feeling like I'm not even worth a passing glance. I am so bored of feeling like you the person who's supposed to make me feel secure, the person I respect more than anyone else HATES ME!... I am… so.. Bored of this…I tried to make this work I really did because I choose to believe there was some good in you! But..mabey I was wrong mabey you really are a bad guy!... I .. I don't want this anymore.." You said tears were streaming down your face but you didn't feel sad. You didn't feel angry.. You just felt numb..

"What do you want?" She asked in a quiet voice not sounding angry…. After a deadly silence that Lingered for what felt like entirety you sighed before saying.. "I.. I want you out of my house. And I don't want you to come back." You said, sounding so sure of yourself.. What happened next you never would have expected.. She gently lifted your chin up with her fingers to meet her gaze. Her expression was unreadable but she was most certainly not feeling angry.. "Are you sure that's what you want?" She asked she looked into your eyes and you could swear it looked as if she had tears in them.. "yes. I am.. " you said finally.  But what shocked you the most is when she gently took her fingers to your cheeks and wiped away your tears that were still falling.. "I'm sorry.." She said almost in a whisper.

She then turned and walked off to go pack up her belongings. Her chest felt heavy in fact her entire body felt like lead.. She walked into the bedroom and grabbed a bag and shoved the few things she owned into it. The only reason she owned half these things was that you would buy her gifts things she didn't need on impulse and while Jasper didn't show it she had always taken great pride in the fact that you thought she was worth whatever gift you bought for her. That's when she picked up the stuffed lion toy you gave her that she always pretended to dislike.. But truthfully she never did.. She remembered the night you gave it to her..

It was a very stormy night and you were taking longer to get back from work than usual and every news Channel on TV was saying how bad the storm was and that you should avoid driving unless absolutely necessary and how many drivers have gotten into fatal crashes.. That's when Jasper started thinking about how weak humans truly were, how Vulnerable to everything they really were, in a blink of an eye something unthinkable could happen and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.. She knew she couldn't always be there by your side to protect you.. What if something horrible happened and she wasn't able to protect you.. She would never forgive herself..

Jasper felt herself starting to panic  she dug her nails Into her knees head down breathing hard forcing herself not to cry just then the door opened and you walked in you saw that something was clearly wrong so you hung up your wet coat and took your shoes off before making your way over to Jasper you knelt down in front of her putting your hand on top of one of hers "Jasper.. Hey.. Tell me what's wrong.. " you said gently, very worried her hand quickly grabbed onto yours tightly she was slightly shaking..

"How am I supposed to live with the fact that the worst possible thing could happen at any point in time and no one can do anything to stop it.. I.. Can't…  always be there to protect you.. What if you got hurt or worse…  I… I would never be able to forgive myself.. " Jasper said in a voice tight with emotion, your eyes widened at this.. You would never have thought Jasper to be the type to bring this up.. After a moment you smiled "Jasper.. " you said gently.. She looked up to face you "I might not know what's going to happen in the future.. But I do know that I'm actually.. A lot stronger than you might think.. Do you remember.. How I told you about that accident I was in when I was younger.. Well I didn't tell you the full story.." You said before standing up and climbing onto her lap as she wrapped her big arms protectively around you.

"I was 10 years old when it happened.. My parents were driving home from my grandparents house.. They were fighting as they Typically did.. My older brother maliki was complaining about how he wasn't getting any service and my baby brother Jay was crying.. And I.. Was pretending to be asleep so I didn't have to deal with it… that's when I heard my mother scream.. I opened my eyes to see a pair of bright headlights coming towards us from the side.. Next thing I knew.. We were weightless; it was like everything was in slow motion.. Then there was a massive crash as our car landed upside down.. What had happened was a semi truck hit our car from the side and it knocked our car off of the bridge above two other streets and our car fell to the bottom level.. It was a really bad crash… the last thing I remembered was.. Sirens and the sounds of screaming and crying fading out… I woke up in the hospital.. My parents were dead.. So was my baby brother Jay. My older brother Maliki was still alive though.. The doctors said it was a miracle I even woke up. They had predicted that I would be in a coma.. They also said that it was extremely unlikely that I would ever make a full recovery.. But I did.. Mostly.." You said

Jasper was silent and simply held you closer burying her face into your neck "You know.. Part of me feels like my older brother hates me for making a full recovery.. Because he's permanently damaged from the accident… We don't really talk any more.. " you said silence… "listen I really don't know what's going to happen in the future but what I do know is that we will face it together" you said before standing up and walking over to a cabinet you kept locked you unblocked it and pulled out a stuffed lion toy.

You walked over to her before handing the toy to Jasper "this lion always helped me through the dark times and when I was scared.. I named her Jay after my little brother. I think it's time she helped you now." You said Jasper didn't respond at first looking at the stuffed lion.. "Her? This is a male lion. It has a mane." Jasper pointed out you laughed a bit "Yeah but when I was a little kid I didn't know that I always called it a she." You said. "I think you should have her so she can help you when you're scared." You said with a sweet smile..

Jasper had stood there holding the stuffed toy while she remembered that night.. She hesitantly set it into her bag.. After Jasper had finished  shoving all of her belongings into the bag and slinging it over her shoulder she made her way out of your home but didn't see you however.. She was hoping to see you so she could tell you one of the many things she regretted never telling you.. She walked out the front door and saw you sitting on the porch step crying.. She didn't say anything as she walked past but she stopped. And turned to you "Look I know this isn't going to solve anything it isn't going to change anything but…  I want you to know that I love you.. And… i'm sorry it took.. this..  Happening for me to say this.. But I do truly.. Love you.. And I'm so sorry for everything… " she said then before turning and starting to walk off..

"For what it's worth… I'm really going to miss having you as my roommate.." You said suddenly.. "... Yeah.. Same here… . same here…" she said quietly before walking away.. It was silent then as you went to war with yourself in your mind fighting the urge to go after her and beg her to stay.. You knew that wasn't right.. You knew this was how things had to be.. With tears still streaming down your face you stood up walking into the house.. you knew that this was never healthy.. It was bad from the start.. You were a fool for forcing yourself to believe that she could change..

You sighed heavily "bored.. " you whispered out into the silence of your home..

Jasper walked not necessarily knowing whare she was going.. But knowing she just had to move.. She was angry.. But that was only directed inward.. And there was nothing.. She could do about it…  she knew this was her fault that she lost the one person that she had ever loved because of her huge ego and her pride.. She felt.. Incredibly hopeless in that moment…

She felt tears falling down her face… 'I really am a bad guy.. ' she thought to herself as she walked far away from the place and the person she called home..

(Pt 2 is finally out btw)

[thegunslingerletmedrop]

The Indian Citizenship Act at 100 Years Old - Native American Rights Fund

The mother fuckers that voted for Trump or didn't vote out of protest can eat my dick. Natives that voted for him can double choke on my dick.

My dad was naturalized in the 90s and has been living in America for 40 years. My mother's side of the family is Choctaw and her paternal side went on the Trail of Tears while her maternal side fought and finally moved from Mississippi in like the 1870s.

Indian citizenship has been a battle since the constitution. Amendment 14 calls out "Non taxed Indians" (and let's not forget it called us savages). It would take until 1924 for them to sort out what that meant, pass an ACT that all natives would be citizens (but remember, we still weren't allowed to vote and double remember this was an act, not an amendment).

If they want our land, they're going to take it (AGAIN). If they don't want our people, they're going to remove us (AGAIN FUCKERS). If they end up needing people, they're going to hold us on bogus charges and put us in camps or prison to work off our sentences (AGAIN YOU FUCKING FUCKERS).

Trump doesn't mean it? Trump is being taken out of context? I'm being dramatic?

Maga has got some wack privileged thinking. This mother fucker is going to take away the citizenships of the Springfield Haitians. He will not stop there. How do I know? Because the shit stain and his cronies have said if you're not a Yes man, you're against him and you should be shot, dragged, jailed, dead.

Natives, this is the same government that still called us the "Indian Problem" in the 70s and whose agenda it was to smother the culture out of us by assimilation. The government that sterilized us up into the 2000s. The one that had bounties on our heads back during the old West times given out by LEGISLATIVE bodies. And y'all fucking voted for a Cheeto? Be fr.

[shankss-magnificent-ass]

Imagine figuring out when King's birthday is

That Fall

You: *notices King has it noted in his planner that he had no plans on the afternoon of December 1st* sir, would you like to schedule the quarterly finance meeting on the December first?

King: no, keep that afternoon open please, I'll be taking time off that afternoon.

You: I've worked for you for almost a year, and you've never taken time off. Is there any particular reason why?

King: ... No reason

You: *suspicious* okay.

A week later

You: *has to pull the past three years worth of King's planners from the archive for actual work but checks December 1st in all the planners and deduces that it must be important to him*, so he always takes that afternoon off

Yamato: *sprawled on top of a desk, eating Cheetos and intentionally get dust on the floor of Kaido's office* hmm yeah, my father will usually give him some sort of gift, and they go out to lunch together. Although few times Father even tried to get him some of the girls from the brothels to entertain him for the night, but the last time was back when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure after his lunch with my father, he holes himself up in his room.

You: oh can't imagine that went over well.

Yamato: HaHa! No, one of the girls got pushy and King had to throw her out of his quarters.

You: it must be his birthday then, King is too much of a duty driven workaholic to take time off for himself for anything.

Yamato: oh my god, maybe, now that I think about it, I don't know his birthday.

You: in that case I need to move around a few of his appointments

Yamato: *crushes a handful of puffy Cheetos and sprinkles it across Kaido's chair* why would you do that?

You: because he works too much, so any chance I can get him to relax I'll take it.

December 1st

King: when's my appointment with Orochi?

You: Tomorrow

King: You're wrong, check again, I scheduled it for today.

You: I'm not wrong, I moved it two weeks ago to tomorrow. In fact, I moved most of today's appointments to different days. The only thing on your schedule today is Queen's annual service review, torturing a few prisoners, and your lunch with Kaido.

King: oh my, what did I do to deserve such pleasant day?

You: *shrugs* just lucky I guess, it's not like it's your birthday or something. *Squints at King*

King: How'd you know?

You: because only you would need need to wait until your birthday to be able to justify taking time off to yourself. Oh, and remind me which restaurant you are going to with Kaido?

King: His chiefs are making Spicy Udon for us, it's one of my favorites.

You: but not your favorite, which is why I had a crew go out and get a bunch of flying fish to make sashimi for your dinner. It'll be delivered to your rooms at six, and the servants have instructions to deliver it to your door, where they'll ring a bell to announce that it's there, so you don't have to talk to or interact with anyone.

King: I don't deserve you sometimes.

You: I know

King: *ruffles your hair and laughs* you're not supposed to agree with me.

That evening

You: *knocks on King's bedroom door* Sir, I apologize for interrupting your evening, but I've come to deliver something.

King: *currently doing some self-care, so he's not wearing his mask* ... come in

You: *drags in a bouquet of massive flowers you had the Tontatta's grow, and his present* Alrighty tidy, these are yours, happy birthday

King: If you keep this up you'll spoil me. What flowers are these? I've never seen them before, but they're somehow familiar.

You: That's because they're from atop the Red Line. They're called, Flame Daisies, they were once the symbol of the Lunarian Kingdom. They also remind me of you, and they're good for your skin.

King: *didn't anticipate flowers would open an emotional can of worms*, and what's in the box?

You: just a little something something,

King: *opens it to find boxes filled with paperwork and gives you a confused look*

You: those are the only remaining copies of your Punk Hazard records, to do with as you please.

King: you're kidding

You: nope, I destroyed the others, I even got Vega Punk to delete his mental records of them. Good night King, and happy birthday.

King: now wait a damn minute, you can't make me feel like a weepy little bitch, and then just dip. No, your ass is staying here and drinking with me. You're also getting a few face masks, because your'r skin looks awful, sit your ass down.

Support me on Kofi and Patreon

[ariadne-mouse]

Some choice quotes from tonight's ep:

"How would you feel if you were a baby left in prison?"

"We didn't know you were a dagger salesman!"

"I just took one of the guys out!" "On a date."

"Can I use my silk rope?"

"Jokes on you, I love hugs!"

"Broad... rainlight."

"Where I'm from, all the girls get rope training!"

"Do you think they can smell the vibranium?"

"What is the alignment of a banana? I think bananas are an inherently chaotic fruit."

"Her hooves are made for walking."

"Drop it in the ocean and then the evil lobster gets it!"

"I'M GOING TO TURN THE PAPYRUS, TED!"

"We killed a couple people." "We killed their vibe."

"Why do you have a better plan for my athlete's foot?"

"Are they gentrifying you too?"

"It's because I'm wearing heels."

"We're running to the Oh No Plateau."

"Hey we sound kinda sexy up here."

"Just call us the Double D's." "NO!"

"I've never been this dirty, but don't kill us!"

"-a cheeto elemental--"

"Where's Kansas?" "It's Midwestern Tal'Dorei." "NO."

"Do you have magic perfume?"

"What... if it wants... a monkey."

"Hey hole... look, we're just here to help, so what do you need?"

"Well, the ash-hole isn't answering."

"Do you think you could... put your hands in the ash-hole?"

"I fingered it and nothing happened."

"It was really just the buttholes we met along the way."

"You look like a dog biting a garden hose."

[501stlothcat]

My in depth character notes for Crummy Minds:

Random notes I took while binge watching Criminal Minds:(by character)

Note breakdown:

Name: How many times they killed someone (not counting when they all shot at same time). How many times they are late to work. Backstory/observations. Nicknames/things they've been called during the show. Process of coping. Believe in ghosts?

Gideon: 1 (Military. Lost six agents in an explosion. Take hotel soaps and give them out to homeless with money and supplies. Named his son Steven after Rossi's middle name.)

Hotch: 20 L:1 (Ex Prosecutor. Father had lung cancer and died when Hotch was young. Has a brother Sean. Was a rebel kid and made bad choices. Got sent to boarding school when he was a teen. Sean never went to Haley's funeral... Coaches Jacks soccer team with Dave. 509😭905.  Punched in the face during interrogation. Shares a love of jalapeños with Garcia.) "Everyone's allowed to be late, once." WHAT DID HE DO TO HOTCH Mr. Scratch

Morgan: 15 (Bomb squad past. Chicago. Dad was killed in front of him at gas station when he was a kid. Bullet from the Reaper. He collects property. Cousin went missing, tracked down her stalker but FOUND HER. Knew how to stop white phosphorus because of Ried. Rossi's poker group. Scar from phosphorus. Visited Prentiss in London with Garcia. Safe head space from the monsters. Snores. Eyebrows. D.) "You know..." "Spencer is for the best little brother anybody could ever ask for."

"You make me feel safe." "Everything we do together is magic" "You'll always be my original baby girl"

Greenaway: 1 (The only one that mattered)

Prentiss: 4 (Total nerd. Goth in high school. Wants cremation. Got pregnant at 15. Doesn't like lying. Watched over Hotch during Foyette. Interpool. Has a black cat named Sergio. Clover brand on left side of chest. Played scrabble with JJ when hiding in Paris. Has Especially Spectacular Posture. Has scar from Doyal. Bites her nails when she's nervous. Coping Process: Shooting range. Speaks Arabic, French, Spanish. Doughnuts and wine!!!) "Getting intimate with a killer is so different." In regards to her time with Doyal? "Please don't call me Ma'am." "I am so proud of you." "That's the beauty of family...we already know." "I should get that on a plague and hang it in my office." "Reid went a little cellback D on him." "Doughnuts are an anytime food."

DIRECTOR???? "If given the chance, I'm making history." "There are things none of you know about that jet."

Jareau: 9 (Pennsylvania. Joined FBI because of Rossi. Sister killed herself when she was 11-Rosaline/Roze. Played soccer in HS. Loves cheetos. Lost her second child in middle east during her classified assignment(Maggie). Only told Reid. Code name Blackbird. Angel. Scars from electrocution. DC fan? Knows comics. Has key to Reids apartment. Parents are divorced. Burned right hand. White wine kinda girl. Dad remarried. Has her sisters necklace, given to protect her from tall man. Magical Brilliant Unicorn. Believes in ghosts: No ghost. Sniper. ) I think JJ forced herself to be very good with a gun so she would never be responsible for anyone getting hurt in the field again. JJ can't help but to identify with any victims that look like her. She puts herself in their place. "I was scared." "We're taking you home." "You're my first love."

Rossi: 9 L1 (Ex. Marine served in Vietnam. Sent home with concussion and shrapnel wound. Rossi joined FBI bc Scott. Founded BAU. Co coaches Jacks soccer team. Italian. Cook. Helps 1st wife die. Had a son who died when he was born. Every year on his birthday he goes to a serial killer in prison so he can get a name of one more of his victims. Plays video games. Plays poker. His eyes "do the thing" when lying. Dated Erin for a year before she died. 6 acres. Krystall. Has a daughter and grandson! Kills Gideon's killer. Eagel Eye. Fido. Handsome Italian Man. Silver Fox. Coping Process: Cigars/cooking. Would be a boxer.) "You're using my sayings against me?" Yes. "I'm buying." "We specialize in mood adjustments."

Reid: 7 L4 (Las Vegas. Case about Riley when he was 4. Goes to conventions. Went with Garcia for Doctor Who. Is Henry's godfather. Doesn't like the beach. Henry dressed up as Reid for Halloween. Doesn't like technology. Prefers paper. Hates electronics. Doesnt know how to dance. Helps deliver child who the woman names Spencer. Alzheimer's. Chocolate frosted with sprinkles. Moved to Houston for his mom. Does magic tricks. Loves jello. Has fish! Has Alex's badge. Speaks Russian. PTSS. Took his mom to Paris. Knows JJ was pregnant again. Can't skate for shit. Likes them bad girls. Would be a cowboy in another world: JJ runs the flower shop, Rossi has a Saloon, Garcia has sanctuary for wounded animals. The Kid. Brain Cells. Pretty Boy. Boy Wonder. Boy Genius.) "THIS BITCH IS A NOBODY." "This is awesome." "Friends are bound together through space and time for 500 years." "I know." HE SAVED MORGAN "I'm not weak." "I don't want them looking at you." *softly* "bitch".

Sock gun for the win!!

Garcia: 1 L1 (Grace. Is on a CIA watch list. Knows French. Can't see without glasses. Councils families of murder victims once a week. Parents died when she was in high school. Bought Flynns inspirational CD set. Has a picture of Morgan at her desk. Has the second highest IQ of the team. Brought Reid gifts again and again after Mave died. Hates being on camera. Doesn't have a "scary side". Gets car sick. Being harassed online by Alexi from St. Petersburg?? Has stepbrother, Carlos. Lunacorn coffee. Plays clarinet. Twilight Zone. Does theatre. Gaga fan. Red. Kitten. The Black Queen. Penny G. Penny. Sir Hotch. Dirty Dozen. Has tattoo😏.) "I found something hinky." "I'm a psychopath." No you're not. "It's magic." "You make me feel brave" "Not today!" "It's good verses evil dummy." "I still got it baby girl."

Todd: (JJ replacement. Oof)

Seaver: (Prentiss replacement. Daughter of infamous Serial Killer)

Blake: 1 (Prentiss replacement No.2 Married to a Doctor overseas. Linguist. Knows about Reids girl and helps him have the courage to meet her. Brother is a detective. Father was Police Chief in Kansas City. Lost mother 25 years ago (she was 9). When her mom died she ran away from home and her family. BBQ with the WHOLE family. Lost her son Ethan to a neurological disease. Teach full time.)

Callahan: 1 (Blake's replacement. Undercover agent. Likes baby animal pictures. Scar from dismemberment killer: right shoulder. Niece Meg. Sister and brother in law died 9/11 Pentagon. Clumsy. In Gideon's class from S1.)

Lewis: 2 (Callahan replacement. Mom went to same elementary school as Strangler Killer. Serial Killer interviewer. Fiance Douglas. White classic car. Married once in grad school, husband grew addicted to pills: Daryl. Lived in Germany when she was a child. Counciled parents at Sandy Hook. Dartmouth Alum. Mother died from cancer when she was in college. Tomboy, aunt sewed her jeans. Dad was honorably discharged and opened auto repair shop. Speaks German/French. Believes in ghosts: No ghost.) "I'll make sure to pack my stethoscope." "You owe me alot of drinks."

Alvez: 4 (Former army ranger. Used to work on fugitive task force. Serial Killer cut open his partner in front of him. 12 years of catholic school. Grew up in the Bronx. Roxie, dog. Newbie. Author with Rossi!) "You think the BAU is haunted?"

Walker: 1 (Scratch help. BAP. Coping Process: Trombone. Teenage daughter and son.. Smooth operator. This man is winning bc he's married to Tracie Thoms.)

Simons: 3 (Family man. Two boys (David.) two girls. Rose Mary!! Agrees with Rossi's conspiracy theory about JFK. Believe in ghosts: No ghost. Played basketball in college. "Sometimes I wish I could just snap my fingers and make all the bad things go away."

Name Episodes:

Penelope: seduced and shot (JJ killed him, her first kill).

JJ: forced to leave the BAU and go to Pentagon.

Lauren: Prentiss is kidnapped and dies in Morgan's arms.

Darek: Kidnapped and tortured

Spencer: Arrested for drug possession and murder in Mexico.

Luke: Phil is murdered by Grant bc of Ramos.

Ahsley?

Thoughts

BARNES IS THIS SHOWS UMBRIDGE.

They better have alcohol on the plane.

Oh yes they do.

Them quoting It's A Wonderful Life!!!

The BAU is haunted!!

Family poker games between cases, betting jelly beans!

Intoxicated Emily is EVERYTHING

Caffinated Penelope is ALSO everything

The Ones That Got Away:

Homeless Guy

Darleen

Mountain Man

Man with skull tattoo

Some BAU Terminology:

Wheels up in thirty

Baby Girl

Pretty Boy

Sir

Dinner at Rossi's

Geographic Profile

Victimology

Unsub

The Magnificent Seven

The Awesome Eight

Hinky

Highway Sieral Killer Database

LDSK

[lunas-kingdom-of-shadows]

[KoS Incorrect quotes!

Because I’ve had these forever and though most of them where amazing XD

You can take these as cannon or not, I doubt all the things happened, but some definitely might have lol

Luna: When I was a kid, Lucas told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.

Solar: They are!

Luna: FOR REAL?

Solar: No! Why did you fall for it again?!

•––––––☆––––––• More under the cut!

Storm: Go big or go home!

Sapphire: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.

Storm: I'm going big •––––––☆––––––•

Solar: I know we’re not exactly friends, but-

Luna: What do you want?

Solar: I've been stuck with Danion for 2 weeks and they've been drinking all the soy sauce.

Solar: Help.

•––––––☆––––––•

Lily: I don't follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media.

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.

Luna: But ya' didn't

•––––––☆––––––•

Willow: I don't know, it's not my cup of tea.

Riley: Well then who's is it?

Willow, staring at a cup of tea: I don't know!

•––––––☆––––––•

Luna, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.

Sapphire: Hey.

Storm: Hi.

Willow: Hello.

Riley: Hey!

Luna: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Destiny: We were out of Doritos.

•––––––☆––––––•

Storm: You're violent.

Sapphire: Yeah but I'm also short and that's adorable.

•––––––☆––––––•

Luna: I am 39 cheetos tall.

Stella: Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?

Luna: Because we're out of doritos.

•––––––☆––––––•

*at a zoo*

Solar: What are they in for?

Damion: Solar, this isn't prison.

Solar: So they can leave?

Damion: No, but-

Solar, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.

•––––––☆––––––•

Spark: Your smile? It makes my day.

Luna: Your happiness? I live for that.

Solar: A room? Get one.

Lucas: Hotel? Trivago

•––––––☆––––––•

Riley: You really believe in Storm?

Sapphire: Luckily, they believe in themself enough for the both of us.

•––––––☆––––––•

Luna: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved me from giving an oral report about The Scarlet Web.

Spark: You were too bored to read the book?!

Luna: I was too uninterested to watch the movie.

•––––––☆––––––•

Stella: I can't imagine what Solar and Luna are planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

•––––––☆––––––•

Riley: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie.

Willow: Ooh, can we get some actual pie?

Riley: I like the way you think.

•––––––☆––––––•

Damion: Do you think I’m ugly?

Solar: It’s not about looks, Damion. What’s valuable is on the inside...

Damion: Sol...

Solar: For example, someone's heart.

Damion: Aw... Stop it-

Solar: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.

Damion: Seriously, stop.

•––––––☆––––––•

Soulstar: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.

Soulstar: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

•––––––☆––––––•

Stella, watching Luna & Spark panic : What's going on?

Lucas: Luna is having a midlife gender crisis and Spark is just having a crisis.

•––––––☆––––––•

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

Storm: I will not let you down.

Willow: Sounds fun.

Solar: K.

Stella: No, I'm fucking not.

Lucas: Do I have to be?

Luna: Please god, I am so tired

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.

Solar: *upends the bottle*

•––––––☆––––––•

Stella: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?

Spark: IT.

Solar: Annabelle.

Lucas: Paranormal Activity.

Luna: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

•––––––☆––––––•

Luna: honk.

Soulstar: WHAT.

Luna: HONK.

Soulstar: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: *texting* Hey can you pick me up I’m drunk.

Solar: Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now.

Stella: Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home.

•––––––☆––––––• Spark and Luna: *making loud, cat noises at each other*

Sapphire:

Stella, exasperatedly: We have a guest.

•––––––☆––––––•

Spark, texting Solar: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…

Solar’s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.

*Later*

Solar, texting back: Fuck you.

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Daniel, singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Solar: *sighs* Yeah, you're my dork.

•––––––☆––––––•

Luna: Why is Spark crying?

Solar: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-

Spark: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!

Luna: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say-

Spark: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!

Luna: NO, NOT THAT!

•––––––☆––––––•

Damion: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?

Solar, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what

•––––––☆––––––•

Luna: *Gasp*

Stell: wHAT??

Luna: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Stella: *inhales*

Solar, in another room with Spark: Why can I hear screeching?

•––––––☆––––––•

Soulstar: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Luna, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

•––––––☆––––––•

Stella: I'm not doing to well.

Lucas: What's wrong?

Stella: I have this headache that comes and goes.

*Luna enters the room*

Stella: There it is again.

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: I’m gonna die alone.

Spark: Sol, you’re not gonna die alone.

Solar: Damion, was my safety net, okay? They got married and now I have to get a snake.

Spark: Uh-huh. Why is that?

Solar: If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face.

Solar: So I figured I’ll be “Crazy Man With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake man.

Solar: Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN!

•––––––☆––––––•

Lucas: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

Luna: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read!

•––––––☆––––––•

Riley: The floor is lava!

Spark: *helps Luna onto the counter*

Solar: *kicks Damion off the sofa*

Stella: *lays on the floor*

Spark: ...Are you okay?

Stella: No.

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: Where are my fucking keys?

Spark: Sol, Lily is around, can you say it a little nicer?

Solar: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!

•––––––☆––––––•

Solar: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.

Luna: But ya' didn't

•––––––☆––––––•

Stella: I CAN'T DO IT!

Solar, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!

Stella: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Solar: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Stella:

Stella: I appreciate it,

Stella: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

Solar: Stella-

Stella: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Luna: Stella we gotta-

Stella: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Stella: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

Stella, motioning to a bathroom that has been set on fire by Luna and Spark: NOT FUCKING THIS!

•––––––☆––––––•

Lucas: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out.

Stella: Fucking Luna and Spark were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

•––––––☆––––––•

I think I’ll stop here XD I have more but this is getting long, might do a part two though,

also new separators go brrr

... I need to go to bed. ]

[inthedayswhenlandswerefew]

But You Can Never Leave [Chapter 2: Accept The Fucking Offer]

Series summary: You are an overwhelmed and disenchanted nurse in Boston, Massachusetts. Queen is an eccentric British rock band you’ve never heard of. But once your fates intertwine in the summer of 1974, none of your lives will ever be the same...

This series is a work of fiction, and is (very) loosely inspired by real people and events. Absolutely no offense is meant to actual Queen or their families.

Song inspiration: Hotel California by The Eagles.

Chapter warnings: Language.

Link to chapter list (and all my writing) HERE

Taglist: @queen-turtle-boiii​ @loveandbeloved29​ @killer-queen-xo​ @maggieroseevans​ @imnotvibingveryguccimrstark​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @queenlover05​ @someforeigntragedy​ @imtheinvisiblequeen​ @joemazzmatazz​ @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ @namelesslosers​ @inthegardensofourminds​ @deacyblues​ @youngpastafanmug​

The floor is quiet. Your patients—all except one—are sound asleep and mercifully keeping their call buttons at a distance. Patricia is camped out in the nurses’ station at the other end of the hall, chomping noisily on sunflower seeds and wailing along to Tammy Wynette on her portable radio. Queen is enjoying their fourth late-night picnic of the week. You close the door and check your watch; you have seven minutes left before your break ends.

“Let’s kill her,” Freddie suggests casually, hanging his smoldering cigarette out of the open window.

“You know that’s extremely bad for you.”

“What? Committing felonies?”

“I don’t think you’d do well in prison, Fred,” Roger says, popping a Cheeto into his mouth. “No sequined leotards. No cats.”

“Smoking,” you correct. “Smoking is extremely bad for you.”

Freddie takes a drag, exhales a fog of smoke, and grins at you beneath gleaming sunglasses. “Possibly. But darling, the aesthetic is divine. And you’ll take care of me if I get sick, won’t you? Ensure I get all the best drugs, procure new lungs for me on the black market?”

Brian rolls his eyes and nibbles a violet plum, then gestures for John to pass him a napkin as juice dribbles down his stubbled chin. John flaps the napkin just outside of Brian’s reach, yanking it away each time Brian swipes. Roger snickers, observing their exchange from his place on the floor, before eventually advising John to have mercy. Brian snatches the napkin and promptly whips John across the face with it.

“So now you have me committing felonies,” you tell Freddie with a smile.

“Keeps things spicy.” Freddie peers over at you, brow crinkled, studying you like an abstract painting. “Do you like your job, dear?”

Brian groans. “Fred, please, don’t interrogate her—”

“I’m not interrogating, I’m inquiring—!”

“It’s fine, seriously, Bri, it’s fine,” you say. Brian raises his hands in surrender. His coloring has improved, he’s gained five pounds, he’s being discharged tomorrow. Then Queen will be whisked across the Atlantic back to London...and that’s a truth you’re struggling to grasp. “I love what I do. Just not necessarily where I do it.”

Freddie nods, puffing on his cigarette. “Because of Nurse Queen of the Underworld.”

“Not just her.” You can remember being a child and worshiping at the altar of familiarity: your home, that old maroon Queen Anne-style house at the intersection of Apple Avenue and Arcadia Street; inhaling New England autumns; burying yourself in your mother’s soft, cream-colored knit sweaters that were dusted with the scents of homemade pies and Chanel No. 5; the creaks of that uneven, tobacco-stained wood floor of your father’s study beneath your bare feet. Whatever existed outside of your comfortable, commonplace universe—whatever monsters or treasures or undiscovered ringed planets dwelled there—held no interest for you at all. You wanted to live here, die here, raise your own family here, take your children to play under the same weeping willows in the Public Green that your grandparents had met beneath. And then one day, in the purging heat of the summer after your sophomore year of college...you woke up and realized that all those comforting things suddenly felt like a cage, that your fingers were threading bars made of your family and your friends and every grain of soil in Boston. Patricia is dreadful, of course, and has been since you arrived at Massachusetts General nine months ago; but she’s not what you’re running from. “It’s this hospital, it’s this city, it’s Boston. I was born here and I cherish it, don’t get me wrong, but I want to see the world. Mountains and lakes and cathedrals and castles and...and...you know. All the rest.”

“That’s how I felt about Cornwall when I was a kid,” Roger confesses. “I’d take my little acoustic guitar out into the backyard and look up at the sky as I played and think, ‘Is this really it? Am I ever going to get beyond all this to something more?’”

“Yes, yes, well no one asked for your autobiography, blondie,” Freddie quips. Roger chuckles, entirely unoffended. “Continue, dear.”

You think before you respond. When you do speak, it comes out heavier than you mean it to, more serious, more pained, whispered, your voice splintering. “I guess I just don’t want to die without really living first.”

The boys watch you for a while: Brian poised and pondering, Freddie seeking, Roger empathetic, John very quiet. John has spoken—at the absolute most—five words to you since you’ve met him; but you know he can get chatty with Freddie or Rog on occasion, and so you’ve held out hope that you can still win him over. Now you’re almost out of time.

At last, Roger raises his beer, smiling, showing the tiny points of his canine teeth. “Cheers to that.” And it sends something through you like a one-way ticket into a brand new world.

You laugh nervously. “Okay. Wow. Enough of all that, I have to go save lives now.” You wash your hands in the sink and pull on a new pair of gloves, dodging Roger’s large, affecting eyes.

“Do you have a boyfriend, lovely Clara Barton?” Freddie asks. They know your actual name, they’ve known it since night one, but they’ve taken to referring to you as whatever famous nurses they can recall from high school.

“Freddie,” Brian admonishes.

“What, I’m just asking—”

“No, actually, I don’t,” you tell Fred. “Why, do you want a Green Card?”

“Darling, no offense, but if I was going to marry for strategic purposes I would aim for someone far older and astronomically richer. With life insurance.”

“Thanks, Freddie.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

“Are you single? Since we’re all sharing our life stories.”

“I’m not,” he replies, somewhat cagily. “None of us are. Well, Brian certainly isn’t, and Deaky wasn’t last I checked, although he’s tricksy and awfully quiet about the whole affair, so I ought to confirm that at some point...how about you, Rog?”

Roger chokes on his beer and wipes his dripping nose with one fuchsia sleeve. “Uh, I, uh, yeah, yeah, uh, I’m single. Yes.”

“Oh?” Brian says, eyebrows raised. “Someone should probably inform Josephine.”

“That’s a casual thing. Super casual. Not exclusive.”

Freddie and Brian exchange a glance: an amused, smirking, what else can you expect from Roger? glance. You try to smirk at Roger too; but he shrugs guiltily, endearingly, with some mesmerizing spell of danger and innocence and wildness and beauty, angels and demons that you didn’t know could coexist without clubbing each other to death. And you mean to file this away as a warning, a reminder to keep your distance; but it feels more like blowing on embers until they leap into flames.

Bad idea, lady. Really, really, really, exorbitantly bad idea.

“Alright, I’m out. Brian, you have the call button if you need it. There’re extra cups and napkins in the cabinet and—”

You open the door. Patricia is halfway down the hallway and approaching quickly, glinting-eyed, stone-faced, keys grasped in her hand. A glimpse at your watch informs you that your break ended two minutes ago. You swing the door shut.

“Get out!” you whisper urgently, and Roger bolts for the window. He pitches his beer outside and helps John climb through the opening and drop safely to the ground below.

“Fred!” Roger hisses, waving, and he lowers Freddie out of the window next as you kick snack wrappers and empty bottles beneath Brian’s hospital bed. Bri smooths his blankets, turns off his lamp, shakes the peanuts out of his hair that John lobbed there. You rush to Roger as you hear keys rattling against the door.

“Here, I’ll help you...” Without thinking, you take his hands as he hesitates in the open window and steady him as he crawls out. You can see Freddie and John down in the darkness, reaching up to catch Roger when he falls. A sudden wave of mourning grips you. I’m never going to see them again. “Bye,” you say, without any cleverness at all. But Roger smiles like it’s the best thing he’s heard in weeks, maybe months, maybe ever. He glances to where your hands hold his.

“Bye,” he replies in that raspy, radiant voice. And then he’s gone.

You sigh shakily. You turn around. Patricia stands in the open doorway.

“Oh,” she says, grinning like a shark, almost gloating. “You are so fired.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“We’re sorry, we’re so sorry, you have no idea how—”

“It’s fine, Roger.”

You’re standing under a lamppost just beyond hospital property at 7:15 a.m. Your shift is over, your very last shift at Massachusetts General; Roger waited outside to meet you all night. There are swollen shadows beneath his eyes, his cheeks are flushed with fury and mortification, he’s edgy and pacing and chain smoking. The sun is bright and already hot, the Arctic terns cawing and swooping overhead.

“It’s not fucking fine,” he flares. “We got you fired—”

“Roger, I was miserable there. I was jaded and complacent and I felt trapped, I felt like I was standing in cement, I felt like I was suffocating and I didn’t know how to bail myself out of it or how to explain any of this to my parents. But now...thanks to Queen...I’m free. I got the shock I needed. I can move on.”

“You didn’t deserve to leave like that,” he insists menacingly. “That bitch isn’t going to write you recommendations. You were good at what you did, you were really fucking good, Brian was despondent before you took over. You deserved better.”

You shrug. “Life’s not fair, Rog.”

“That’s the truth.” He takes a drag off his cigarette and you hold out your hand. He stares at you, perplexed, but passes the cigarette. You smoke a few puffs, then give it back. Roger smiles. “I thought that was extremely bad for you.”

“Most of the best things are.”

“Well.” He shuffles his feet anxiously. “I have a proposition.”

“Yeah?”

“Since you’ve successfully untethered yourself from all your unfulfilling earthly obligations...come to London with us.”

You feel your jaw fall open, feel all the tension in your muscles unravel as the numb shock rolls through you. “Uh. I was thinking maybe the Peace Corps or joining a travel nursing agency or something.”

Roger winks and nudges your shoulder with his. “Transatlantic flights to London count as travel.”

“That’s...accurate...”

“No, seriously!” Rog presses. “Look, every time a band tours, the company hires a medic or a nurse to go with them. They stitch up busted faces, sanitize infected tattoos, prevent us from dying of alcohol poisoning, ice knocked-out teeth until we can get to a dentist, the works. We’re going to be recording as much as possible in London, but Brian will be on bed rest for most of the next few months. You can take care of him. Keep his spirits up. You’re good at that. We’ll all chip in to pay you if the company won’t, Freddie and John have already agreed to it and I know Brian will as soon as I ask. Then, when we inevitably go on tour again...you can be our travel nurse.” He grins confidently, electrifyingly, like he’s figured out all of life’s thorniest questions.

“Rog, I really appreciate the offer, but...uh...this is really too much, and I have no travel nurse experience whatsoever, and...and...look, you are all really talented, I mean that, but you have some seriously chaotic energy and I’m not sure global fame is in the cards for Queen—”

Roger interrupts you brusquely. “You said you love what you do. So you like taking care of people, right?”

“I do, yeah.”

“And you want to see the world.”

“Absolutely.”

“And you think we’re fun, don’t you? Exciting? Audacious? Reckless enough to keep you busy with the fallout of frequent near-death experiences?”

“That sounds about right.”

“So...” He waggles his blond eyebrows. “Come with us.”

You look up into the mid-June sky, as blue and churning as the Boston Harbor, and try to imagine it: packing your suitcase (you really don’t need to bring all that much), digging your passport out of your jewelry box (you know exactly where it is), telling your parents that you’re jetting off to Europe the next day (they would accept it, maybe they’d even be proud; you’d finally be striking out on your own), renting some cheap little apartment in London (you have enough savings to get you started).

“Accept the offer,” Roger says.

“I really don’t think—”

“Accept the offer.”

“—I just couldn’t impose like that, I mean you’re not making any money yet and—”

“Accept the offer.”

“—You guys shouldn’t feel like you owe me this just because I happened to—”

Roger cradles your face with rough hands, gazes fixedly into your eyes, and smiles blindingly. “Love,” he says. “Accept. The fucking. Offer.”

Bad idea, terrible idea, literally the worst idea in the history of human civilization.

“Okay,” you reply softly.

“Okay, like, for real okay?”

“Yeah.” And entirely against your will, you break into a grin. This is the start of the rest of my life. This is the graveyard of familiarity.

“Yes!” Roger cheers. He takes your left hand, raises it to his lips, bites you lightly across the knuckles: some feral, ludicrously on-brand vision of Roger as a Disney hero. I’m the Lady and he’s the Tramp. I’m Sleeping Beauty and he’s the Prince who’s going to finally wake me up, even if it means slaughtering a dragon or two.

“Cute,” you say sarcastically. But, actually, it sort of is.

“Can I walk you home?” Roger asks. “You live around the corner, right? I can help you pack. Oh, wait, maybe I should shower first, I don’t want your parents to see me like this...I am a literal ashtray...my hair is ridiculous...I think I still have some eyeliner on...is the fuchsia jacket too much...?”

You watch Roger as he scrutinizes himself fretfully, his words fading out of the picture, the world becoming a silent film. You can’t look away. If Brian’s a willow tree and Freddie’s a lightning storm, what is Roger? Wildfire, you decide.

He follows you through breezy, shaded Boston streets to the house at the intersection of Apple and Arcadia, with the solemn promise that he can borrow your shower and an old pair of gym shorts. You know he’ll charm your parents instantly, that they’ll fall in love with him. Everyone does.

When you look down at your left hand, there’s a vanishing silhouette of a bruise where he bit you; and if you really think about it you can feel that it still burns.

[whumpster-fire]

Hi, Tumblr! It’s your favorite cartoon star and overall badass, Wendy Weasel! IHC left a little crack in the fourth wall, and as you know us weasels can slip through a space one sixth the thickness of a human hair, so I’ve taken over this blog for April Fool’s Day. You probably won’t notice any difference other than the posts actually being on topic instead of making stupid jokes about a ship stuck in a canal.

And “on-topic” means... “whump?” Seriously, that’s a stupid name - anyway,  apparently this sick fuckin’ creep made an entire blog dedicated solely to torturing fictional characters. Can ya believe it? Obviously even reading about such twisted, wanton cruelty is going to scar my young, impressionable mind for life, but based on my meticulous study of this blog, I think I can write prompts that are completely indistinguishable from the ones usually posted on this blog. Check this out!

(Jokes aside, this is going behind a cut for jokes about animal cruelty and suicide, read at your own risk)

Imagine the whumpee attempting to rollerblade down an endless flight of stairs. The moron. The dunderhead. The absolute buffoon. Imagine your favorite character immediately losing control, falling, and tumbling down the unyielding concrete steps like an idiot slinky. Imagine them breaking the sound barrier, hitting a landing, and their rollerskates disintegrating on impact. Imagine the whumpee lying, bruised and broken and mangled at the bottom on an infinite flight of stairs, in a pool of their own blood, as bystanders point and laugh and take videos to put on Youtube. Imagine a single rollerblade wheel bouncing down the stairs and smacking them in the face.

Imagine the whumpee slipping on a banana peel. And breaking their spine. And then being in a wheelchair for the rest of their life. But then their wheelchair also slips on a banana peel and flips over. And they can’t get up, so they have to crawl around everywhere. But then their strength gives way, and they collapse from exhaustion... onto the original banana peel. Which is really fucking gross because it’s been like a month by now. And that causes them to throw up in their mouth.

Imagine a box of meowing kittens. Imagine all of them being taken home by kind, loving owners, except one. The kitten’s all alone in the box. Orphaned. No friends. And it’s raining. Imagine your favorite character walking by, and hearing the tiny kitten crying, and their heart being moved by such a pathetic sight. Imagine them reaching into the box and picking the little kitty up. Heartwarming, isn’t it? Now imagine them picking that little kitty-cat up by the scruff of its neck. Imagine them taking a lighter and, uhh, breaking it open and pouring all the lighter fluid on the kitten. And then taking another lighter and setting it on fire. And drop-kicking it onto the busy freeway. And the kitten being run over by a truck. And then as it’s lying there, guts all over the fucking pavement, meowing “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” imagine a guy on a motorbike stopping and walking up to the kitten. And stomping on its face. Because it’s still on fire. See, this is the realism and internal consistency Whumpster-Fire prides himself on, he’s really fucking full of himself. And then a limousine screeches to a halt, but runs over the kitten again anyway, and a Hollywood talent agent steps out. And he goes “Oh my god, what a heart-wrenching emotional performance! What do you call it?” And your favorite character says: “The Aristocats!” And then Mickey Mouse shows up and he runs the kitten through a meat grinder and sues it for copyright infringement!

Imagine a dragon. But it’s a nice dragon. It’s a nice adorable tiny baby dragon but nobody knows it because humans are mean and nasty. Get it, I’m subverting fantasy tropes by having the monster be the good guy. Aren’t I original? My Nobel Prize in literature’s in the mail, I swear. Anyway, imagine a bunch of evil knights kicking the baby dragon, and hitting it with swords, and then stapling its wings to a billboard and leaving it up there. Forever.

Imagine the whumpee’s this sad-eyed raccoon kid, who’s a criminal because raccoons are sneaky. And he gets caught and taken to jail because he’s not as sneaky and clever as he thinks he is. And all the other criminals all make fun of him because he has this stupid fucking fake British Oliver Twist accent. And his voice always cracks and gets really squeaky whenever anyone calls him a Trash Panda. So he’s sad and he ties his orange prison jumpsuit into a knot and hangs himself from the bars. The end.

Imagine the whumpee is a robot who gets kidnapped and they smash dents with her with a crowbar and force her to wear clown makeup, and go out on stage and perform for a bunch’a dumbass kids, but nobody likes her because clowns aren’t funny. So she snaps and tries to scare the kids instead, but nobody scared of her because clowns in horror is so fucking overdone. And they all boo her and throw tomatoes at her, and the clown robot just stands there and cries tears of oil that ruin her clown makeup.

Imagine the whumpee’s a fairy, but with bird wings because he saw what happened to the kitten and doesn’t want to get sued by Disney. But then he flies into one of those bug zapper things and gets electrocuted - but he’s still alive - and then a bunch of kids burn him with a magnifying glass.

Imagine the whumpee shivering, and trembling, and whimpering, and breathing heavily, for ninety paragraphs straight, until they pass out from exhaustion and boredom at the repetitive writing.

Imagine the whumpee getting stripped naked and chained to a bed... and then the bed getting thrown out a window and the whumpee getting sliced to ribbons by the glass cuts, and then falling into an icy cold river and nearly drowning! Gotcha, didn’t I? This is a family friendly blog, so that means no actual porn, only torture porn!

Imagine a cute, innocent puppy being horribly mauled to within an inch of its life by other dogs, and dragging itself across five miles of rusty nails and broken glass and barbed wire, but then the caretaker picks it up and cuddles it and gives it a band-aid so everything’s fine.

Imagine the whumpee slowly sinking into quicksand. Nah, how about a tarpit. Or that slime stuff they have on Nickolodeon.

Imagine the moment when the whumpee realizes they’ve just walked off a cliff and there’s no ground underneath them, and looking back with a really sad look on their face before they start falling.

Imagine the whumpee is a pokemon who gets caught by Michael Vick and forced to brutally fight other pokemon and get mauled over and over and over.

Imagine the whumpee sobbing into a bowl of Cheetos as they realize nobody reads their fucking animal cruelty torture porn or cares about their dumbass opinions, and nobody’s laughing at their shitty bloodstained solo cup background image.

Wow... y’know, I really think I’ve captured the essence of this blog perfectly. You might as well just shut it down after this, it’s all downhill from here. I’ve broken “whump” down to its bare essentials. All the emotion! All the character development! All the poetic imagery! Hey, maybe I should just run this blog all year round! I’m obviously a way better writer than you - although that’s kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Fuck it, I’m going to bed. Actually, nah, I’m printing this out for Riley to read. Maybe he’ll recognize himself in one of the characters, who knows...

[bohemian-napsodyy]

Operation: Cabin Fever (Ahkmenrah x Reader)

Summary: After Ahk starts feeling a little down from almost never leaving the museum, you’re inspired to come up with your most risky plan yet.

Word Count: 5.7k (this could be NATM 4 in itself jfc it’s so long, I’m so sorry)

Warnings: no real warnings, but Larry’s pizza falls on the floor

A/N: So i just realized after going through my masterlist that even though I have a handful of Ahk hcs, i’ve never done a full-ass fic for him before??? THIS IS THE FIRST ONE?!? So that makes me even more excited to post this?!?!?! :D

I also got so invested in this to the point of making a playlist to listen to while you read!! if that’s your sort of thing of course :)

Stay Alive -- Jose Gonzalez

Bones -- Michael Kiwanuka

Blue Spotted Tail -- Fleet Foxes

‘Tis Autumn -- Nat King Cole

Everybody Loves Somebody -- Dean Martin 

If you don’t feel like listening to the whole thing, at least listen to the first two, I think they capture the vibe really nicely (and i may or may not have teared up a bit while listening to them as i wrote this oopsies)

Enjoy, my loves! <3

You knew something was wrong when you showed up at the museum and Ahkmenrah was nowhere in sight.

That wasn’t like him at all. He almost always was waiting in the main entrance, the smile on his face like sunshine as he ran to greet you with a tender kiss.

You looked around, glancing from side to side, almost expecting Ahk to be hiding somewhere in preparation to scare you.

But then you frowned. You knew Ahk was mischievous at times, but he had never, and would never, do anything that would make you worry like this.

“Hey, Larry?” You called out, frowning as you quickened your pace through the main hall. “Larry!”

The night guard stepped out of the break room at the sound of your voice, Dexter perched on his shoulder.

“Hey, Y/N!” Larry called out, beckoning you over with a friendly wave. You heard Dexter chitter some sort of monkey ‘hello’ to you. “You’re just in time, I ordered pizza again!”

“Thanks,” You replied quickly as you approached. “I’m not really hungry right now, but maybe later.”

Larry frowned. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you turn down pizza so fast, what’s wrong?”

“Have you seen Ahk?” You asked, your voice filled with worry. “He’s normally here to meet me by the time I show up, and I was even late getting here today, but he’s nowhere in sight.”

“Now that you mention it Y/N, you’re right, that is a little weird.” Larry mumbled, half to himself and half to you. “Normally Ahk comes running from his exhibit whenever there’s pizza... he’d never turn it down.”

“Do you know where he’d be? You didn’t see him leave, did you?”

Larry frowned, shaking his head. “He wouldn’t do that, I don’t think. Check his exhibit first, and let me know if you don’t find him.”

“Okay,” you answered, already making your way down the hall. “Thanks, Larry!” 

“Bring him over for pizza when you find him!” Larry called out behind you. You could just barely hear Dexter as he chittered along in agreement. 

You raced down the hall until you reached Ahk’s exhibit. Nothing seemed out of order as you walked in — the Anubis guards bowed to you ever so slightly as you passed them. Even though they knew you better than anyone else in the museum, and they’d never hurt you, Ahk’s guards still terrified you sometimes.

“Is Ahk here?” you asked one of them, craning your neck as far back as you could, attempting to make eye contact.

The guard nodded, gesturing silently to the back corner of Ahk’s exhibit. Sighing with relief, you quickly bowed to show your thanks and raced over to Ahk’s sarcophagus.

Your beloved pharaoh was slumped down on the floor, arms crossed over his middle as he gazed tiredly at the floor. When he heard the echoes of your footsteps approaching, you caught him quickly look up, startled like a wild animal. When he realized it was you, Ahk resumed his previous slump of a position.

“Hey,” You greeted him, setting your bag down on the stone floor as you plunked yourself down beside him. “Everything okay? What’s going on?”

Ahk glanced at you, an appreciative smile gracing his features as he caressed your cheek gently.

“I’m just fine, Y/N.” He sighed, gazing into your eyes deeply before looking back down at the floor. “Really, I am.”

You raised your eyebrows doubtfully. “Larry ordered pizza…”

No response.

“…And I noticed on my way here that the janitor put fresh bags of Cheetos in the vending machines earlier today. Want to go raid them all like last week?”

“I’m not hungry,” Your boyfriend dismissed your idea with a limp wave of his hand. You shuffled closer, looping an arm around Ahk’s shoulders and pulling him in close to you.

“That doesn’t sound anything like you.” You commented with a sad smile. “You’d already be running to the vending machine before I’d even say the word ‘Cheetos’.”

Ahk simply sighed, and he slowly leaned over until his head was resting gently on your shoulder.

“You can tell me anything, Ahk,” You whispered softly. “Really. What’s going on?”

“Sometimes…” Ahk began tiredly. He reached over and took your hand gently in his. “…I feel as though I may have been better off without the tablet.”

You frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Look at the life I live, Y/N.” Ahk sighed, gesturing halfheartedly at his exhibit. “I can only see you at night. We only spend time here. You tell me stories all the time of all the wonderful things that happen in New York during the day, and I cannot experience any of them.”

You could almost feel your heart breaking as you listened to your boyfriend’s words. You wanted nothing more than to take him on a roadtrip, camping, even just a day trip to Long Island. But the tablet wouldn’t let you two do those things together.

“I have not left the museum in a very long time,” Ahk continued sadly. “It has begun to feel like a prison more than a second chance at life. Sometimes… sometimes I feel I would rather die once more and never wake again.”

You sighed, placing a kiss to the top of Ahk’s head gently. His words kept replaying over and over in your mind, making your heart feel like a heavy piece of metal in your chest.

“Don’t say that,” you scolded him gently, looping both of your arms around him in a hug. “Ahkmenrah, please don’t say that.”

“And why not?” The look he gave you was heartbreaking. His eyes were glassy with tears that threatened to fall at any moment. “You rarely sleep anymore, Y/N. You visit me when you should be asleep. And I have not seen Ra’s sunlight in centuries. The tablet’s magic has become more of a burden to both of us than a blessing.”

“But Ahk, being with you has been the best adventure of my life. Sure I have to take break room naps every now and then, but I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.” You answered, squeezing his hand reassuringly. “You might hate the tablet right now, but I’m telling you — it’s given me the greatest gift of my life.”

“And what is that?” Ahk asked doubtfully. You couldn’t hold in your giggles.  

“You, you goose!” You slapped his arm playfully. “What did you think I was going to say, the Easter Island Head?”

Your question earned a smile from your boyfriend. You ruffled his hair gently.

“Wait here,” You said, reluctantly untangling yourself from Ahk’s embrace as you pushed yourself up off the ground. “I’m going to pull some strings and see what we can do.”

“About what?” Ahk asked, mirroring your movements as he stood up as well. He started towards you anxiously.

“It’s a surprise!” You smirked. “But it’ll make you feel a bit better, I promise. Just… sit down! Don’t follow me. You can’t know about this… yet.”

Ahk sighed with a nod. “Alright.”

“I’ll be back!” You called out, dashing out of his exhibit so fast, you almost crashed into one of the cavemen hobbling by. 

“Larry!” You called out breathlessly. “Larry! I need your help!”

At the urgency in your voice, Larry and Teddy emerged from the break room and ran over, their faces full of concern. They each held a pizza slice in hand.

“What’s wrong?” Larry demanded worriedly. “Where’s Ahk?”

“He’s fine,” You dismissed with a wave of your hand. “He’s over in his exhibit, like you said. Ahk’s got… cabin fever.”

Larry widened his eyes in disbelief. “Cabin fever?”

“He’s just having a bit of a hard time dealing with always being stuck here in the museum.” You explained quickly. “Listen, I have an idea, I need your help.”

“Yeah, anything, what is it?” Larry asked. He seemed to have forgotten about the half eaten pizza slice in his hand.

“Ahk was telling me he’s never really seen the day in a long time, and we obviously know why…”  You began. Teddy took a bite of his pizza as he listened intently.

“…So I need you to confirm something for me. The tablet only activates at sunrise and sunset, right?”

“That’s right,” Teddy nodded. “Y/N, certainly you knew that already-”

“That’s my point!” You exclaimed excitedly. “I can take Ahk out to catch the start of dawn, and be back here in time for sunrise!”

Teddy and Larry were silent. They shared stunned glances as they gaped at each other.

“Absolutely not.” Larry declared, cursing a moment later as a large portion of his pizza toppings fell to the floor. “Dammit, that was the last slice of Hawaiian— look, Y/N, I know you and Ahk are a… thing… and I know how much he means to you, but I can’t let you take him out that early… I mean late… I mean… you know what I mean.”

“What about sunset?” Teddy offered with a hopeful smile. “Immediately after we all come back to life!”

You shook your head. “Ahk has seen the sunset before.” You replied, an edge of disappointment in your voice. “And by the time we get him changed into normal clothes and get outside, it’s already dark.”

Larry shrugged sadly. “Look kiddo, I think it’s really nice that you want to go to this length to help Ahk, but you have to realize how dangerous this is.”

Teddy nodded along with Larry in agreement. “Lawrence has a point, my friend. Ahkmenrah is the only living being in this exhibit. We don’t know what would happen if we lose him. We could lose the tablet, too.”

You sighed in defeat, gazing sadly at the pieces of ham and pineapple from Larry’s pizza that were lying on the floor.

“Besides,” Teddy added, touching your shoulder gently. “If things went wrong, you would suffer a great loss, Y/N. If something happened that wasn’t according to plan… you’d never see Ahkmenrah ever again. The tablet won’t be able to reverse that.”

“But I’d have it under control,” you protested weakly. “I’d set alarms on my phone, I’d have all of Ahk’s stuff ready to go for when we get back, I’d leave plenty of time.”

“Sorry, kid.” Larry shook his head, taking one final bite of his pizza. “I won’t allow it.”

“But-”

“No is no, Y/N. It’s just too risky. Teddy?”

“Yes, Lawrence?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Keep an eye on this one for me. Make sure she doesn’t leave the museum.”

“Larry!” You protested, your eyes wide at his request. “I’m not a child!”

“I know,” Larry replied, shrugging as he made his way back to the break room. “But I’m just taking precautions! Better hurry if you want pizza — it’s almost gone.”

You groaned, burying your head in your hands. You had to come up with a plan B, and fast.

To your surprise, Plan B came to you less than 24 hours later, in the form of Larry’s son Nicky. As soon as he walked in the doors of the museum that night, dressed in a similar hoodie and sweatpants like the ones you gave Ahk to wear outside on occasional evenings, you had your idea.

“Nicky!” You hissed, grabbing his arm and dragging him around a corner before anyone else could see. He yelped in surprise.

“Hey, what the hell-” You cut him off, shushing him harshly.

“I need your help,” You whispered. Nicky frowned.

“Oh no, last time I helped you I ended up babysitting Dexter for three hours while you and Ahkmenrah were up to god-knows-what in the storage closet the entire time, I’m not doing that again.”

“You won’t be babysitting Dexter.” You replied, rolling your eyes. “This’ll be easy, you’ll just have to sit there and… do whatever it is you do.”

Nicky narrowed his eyes. “Alright, where’s the catch?” He demanded.

“I’m trying to sneak Ahk out to catch the moments just before sunrise.” You explained quietly. Nicky let out a loud whoop, and you almost had to cover his mouth with your hand to keep him from giving you two away. The last thing you wanted was Teddy coming over to ask what you were up to.

“Watching a sunrise?” He asked, a mocking tone edging its way into his voice. “Is this another stupid ‘aesthetic date’ right off of Pinterest or something?”

“Oh shut up,” you grumbled with a sigh. “Look, Larry won’t let me leave the museum, he thinks it’s a bad idea-”

“I’m with Dad on this one,” Nicky interrupted with a smirk. “That’s so lame.”

“Nicky!”

“Okay, okay… sorry.”

“He’s getting Teddy to follow me around almost everywhere.” You added quickly, glancing behind you nervously to make sure the wax president wasn’t lurking somewhere nearby. “I need a decoy.”

“Oh,” Nicky smiled as he pieced together your plan. “You want me to be Ahkmenrah?”

“Exactly!” You exclaimed, beaming. You were thrilled that he understood.

“No thanks.”

“What!? Why?”

Nicky rolled his eyes. “There’s no way you’re getting me to wear that outfit of his.”

“Oh, come on!” You protested. “All you have to do is sit in Ahk’s exhibit with your back to the entrance, you don’t even need to say anything-”

“When was the last time his clothes were washed? He’s like… hundreds of years old!” Nicky argued with you in a hushed whisper. “I don’t even think he wears underwear, does he?”

You were about to answer, when Nicky held up his hand to stop you.

“Don’t… don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

“I’ll proofread your Ancient Egypt essay for you if you help me.” You countered with a sigh. Nicky raised his eyebrows.

“Help me with my research, and I’ll agree… on one condition.”

“Fine. What is it?”

“I’m not wearing Ahkmenrah’s clothes.”

You paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to work through Nicky’s one rule.

“Could you do me a favour then, and run back to your place to grab another pair of sweatpants and a hoodie?”

“I think I know what you’re getting at. Sure, but it’ll cost you.”

“How much?”

Nicky smirked. “You write my introduction, as well as help me with my research.”

You groaned. This boy was insufferable sometimes.

“Fine.” You mumbled. Nicky beamed.

“Great! I’ll be back in a bit.”

Nicky dashed off just in time. As soon as he ran out the door, yelling to his dad that he forgot his laptop back at his apartment, Teddy rounded the corner.

“Good evening, my friend.” He smiled at you, patting you kindly on the back. “Any plans on this wonderful night?”

You shrugged, trying your best to act normal. You were never a good liar, and you hoped Teddy wasn’t very good at picking up on lies.

“Not sure.” You said casually, throwing in a shrug for good measure. “There’s a new show that just came out on Netflix that Ahk and I might watch together.”

Teddy nodded in approval. “Is our friend feeling any better?”

“Not really,” You admitted. That wasn’t a lie, Ahk was still pretty down in the dumps. “I’m sure after a few days, he’ll be fine.”

“I think so too,” Teddy agreed with a firm nod. “Perhaps I’ll suggest another dance party to Lawrence. Ahkmenrah seems to enjoy those. I could use a good party myself, in fact.”

You couldn’t help but smile at Teddy. He had a heart of gold. 

“I’d enjoy that too,” You replied, your heart beginning to race as you caught Nicky sneak back in, a backpack on his shoulders. He pointed down the hall towards Ahkmenrah’s exhibit before dashing off that same way. You had to hurry.

“Thanks, Ted. I, uh, I think I’m going to head off and visit Ahk now. See if we can make it through an entire season before sunrise, y’know?”

“Very well. Enjoy your evening, Y/N.” Teddy tipped his hat to you with a smile before continuing down the hall.

As soon as he was out of sight, you sprinted over to Ahk’s exhibit, almost tripping over your own feet as you did so. Nicky approached you quickly, Ahk right on his heels with an extremely puzzled expression on his features. To your surprise, Sacagawea stepped towards you as well.

“If you’re using decoys,” Nicky began with a smirk. “You’re going to need someone to cover for you as well.”

“Oh shit, I totally forgot.” You mumbled underneath your breath. “You’re a lifesaver, Nicky, thank you so much.”

“Does this mean you’ll write more of my essay for me?” He asked hopefully. “Absolutely not.”

Nicky gave you a harsh glare, before unzipping his backpack rushingly. He pulled out two black hoodies, and matching pairs of black sweatpants.

“Get Ahk to put these on now,” Nicky explained, shoving the clothes at you, then Ahk, who frowned even more at the black clothes in his arms. “Make sure Teddy and my Dad see he changed his clothes, and if they ask, just say he wanted to be more comfortable, I don’t know.”

“Y/N, love, what’s going on?” Ahk asked you slowly, his eyes darting from you, to the clothes, then to Nicky as he tried to piece everything together.

“It’s a surprise,” you answered simply with a smile, nudging your boyfriend playfully. He looked less than satisfied with your answer as he eyed you dubiously. 

“Is it alright if I admit I’m a little afraid of your… surprise?”

You grinned at Ahk. “I’m just as terrified too, but that’s what makes it more fun. Now put those on.”

Ahk glanced nervously at you and Nicky, who nodded in agreement. Before you knew it, Ahk had already begun to untie his shendyt, right in front of all of you.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” You, Nicky, and Sacagawea all yelled at the same time. Ahk froze, looking like a deer in the headlights as he stared at you with wide eyes, completely startled.

“Ahk, not here.” You said gently, unable to suppress the giggle that began to surface.

“But you said to put them on now-”

“Normally when we say ‘get changed’,” Nicky added, his face a mask of utter terror. “It means go somewhere private, put on your clothes, and then come back.”

Ahk nodded slowly as he quickly stepped out to the bathroom just a little ways down the hall from his exhibit.

“Now,” Nicky declared, turning to you. “I already talked to Sack when you were still over with Teddy, and we’ve got a plan for you.”

“You’re going to wear your clothes until just before you leave.” Sacagawea explained gently. “Then at the last moment, you’ll put on the clothes Nicky gave you. I’ll wear yours, and Nicky and I will take your place.”

You nodded, impressed by their plan. For someone who only got wind of your idea less than an hour ago, Nicky sure knew what he was doing.

“Y/N, you’re certain you’ve got this under control?”

You were interrupted out of your thoughts by Sacagawea’s voice. She placed her hand over yours worriedly.

“It’s quite close to sunrise… you’re sure you can make it back in time?”

You took a deep breath, quickly dismissing Teddy’s words from yesterday as they entered into your mind once more.

“I can do this,” You told Sacagawea firmly. “I’m prepared — I packed music, blankets and tea to keep us warm, and I also researched exactly when sunrise is going to happen.”

“You’ll be back before then, I hope?”

You nodded. “My first alarm is set for twenty minutes before sunrise. I’ve got three more alarms set every five minutes afterwards, just in case. That’s more than enough time to run back. We’ll just be across the street.”

Sacagawea smiled, wrapping you in a firm hug, which you struggled to return because of the clothes in your arms.

“I believe you,” She said gently. “I just want you two to be safe.”

You nodded in reply, returning her smile. “We will. I promise.”

“Y/N, what exactly are we doing that involves me looking like this?”

Ahk’s voice made you turn around, and you couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed on your face.

He stood at the entrance to his exhibit awkwardly, shifting his weight from either foot as he gazed at you nervously. The hood of Nicky’s pullover was over Ahk’s head, and along with the fact that he was in all black, he looked a bit like one of the shady characters you tried your best to steer clear of on your nighttime walks to the museum.

He looked absolutely adorable.

“What do we do now?” Ahk asked you with a frown as he approached, setting his carefully-folded Egyptian robes gently into his sarcophagus. You simply smiled as you looped your arms around his neck, pulling Ahk in for a swift yet gentle kiss.

“We kill some time. Want to start season two of Gilligan’s Island?”

Nicky and Sacagawea met you two in the break room at precisely five o’clock in the morning, the pair looking almost comical as they showed up wearing nearly the exact same thing as you and Ahk.

To say you were exhausted was a major understatement. You had spent the first two hours watching Gilligan’s Island with Ahk. The two of you had re-positioned the couch so that from the entrance, you’d only be able to see the back of your heads.

You caught Teddy poke his head into the breakroom briefly once or twice, but luckily he never hung around longer than a couple of seconds. So far, everything was going perfectly according to plan.

That being said, you wanted nothing more than to take a nap, especially with Ahk settled behind you on the couch. His arms were wrapped snugly around your middle, and he felt so warm. All you wanted was to close your eyes… just for a moment.

But you couldn’t. Ahk still didn’t know about your plan, and you were afraid that you’d nap for too long and miss your chance. So instead, you kept yourself awake by playing Monopoly for the remaining two hours.

Nicky smirked at you as he took in your current position on the floor. You were lying on your stomach, staring blankly at the game board with your face smushed against your hand as you waited for Ahk to make the next move.

“Ahk, it’s not chess,” you grumbled, rolling your eyes at your boyfriend, who was staring intently at the game board as if he were trying to move the pieces with his mind. “Just roll the dice and move it already.”

“Quiet, Y/N.” Ahk shushed you as he closed his eyes, shaking the dice gently in his hands. “I intend to win this round, but I need Thoth to hear my prayers and come to my aid. He cannot hear me if you keep talking like that.”

“Someone’s competitive.”

“I hate to interrupt your game, lovebirds,” Nicky began with a laugh as he took a seat beside Ahk. Sacagawea stepped over and carefully sat down next to you. “But I believe it’s time to begin Operation Cabin Fever.”

Your eyes widened in excitement as you bolted upright, feeling a sudden surge of adrenaline run through your veins. You accidentally nudged the game board as you stood up to grab you backpack, earning a loud cry of disbelief from Ahk.

“Y/N, how dare you interrupt my prayers to the gods, I-”

“You better go,” Nicky chimed in, nodding to the door with a laugh. “Someone’s getting grumpy.”

You giggled, grabbing Ahk by the hand and racing out of the break room with him stumbling after you.

“Y/N, may I ask you something?” Ahk asked you just as you ducked behind a wall, checking quickly to make sure Larry or Teddy weren’t anywhere in sight.

“Yeah, of course.” You answered, squeezing Ahk’s hand reassuringly. He frowned at you as he tugged his hood off.

“Please, I beg of you, on behalf of all the gods that watch over us, what in Amun’s name are we doing?”

“Well…” you began, trailing off as you sprinted down the hall once more towards the receiving bay. Checking either hallway once more quickly and finding that the coast was clear, you quietly opened the door and ushered Ahk through.

“Remember how you said you hadn’t seen sunlight in centuries?” You asked, closing the door behind you as quietly as you could. Ahk’s eyes widened as his reaction closely mirrored Larry and Teddy’s from yesterday.

“Oh no,” Ahk whispered quietly, already tugging you back to the receiving door. “No, Y/N, I love you very much but I don’t believe this is a good idea.”

You sighed, closing the distance between you and Ahk as you placed you hands gently on either side of his face.

“Ahkmenrah,” You said quietly. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do.” He answered softly, bringing one of his hands up to caress yours. “I trust you with my life, Y/N.”

“Then please,” you whispered with a small smile. “Please trust me on this one, Ahk. You know I’d never hurt you.”

Ahk nodded, leaning his forehead against yours as his arms circled around your waist.

“I know.”

You kissed him quickly. Just as he began to pull you closer and recapture your lips once more, you broke off with a laugh.

“What is it?”

“You’re shaking, Ahk.” 

He smiled anxiously, bringing his hands up in front of him -- they were trembling.

“Y/N, I’m afraid you’ve succeeded in terrifying a king.” Ahk mumbled matter-of-factly. You shook your head with a smile as you took his hand in yours.

“Come on, scaredy cat,” You laughed, carefully stepping down the stairs before starting your run to Central Park across the street. “We don’t have much time.”

You raced across the street, Ahk in tow, just as the indigo sky began to morph into shades of lavender and turquoise. Quickly shrugging off your backpack, you pulled out the blanket you had crammed in there, and spread it out on the ground.

“Do you need any help?” Ahk asked gently, placing his hand on your back as you dug around your bag.

“Take these,” you said with a smile, passing him two thermoses you had filled with tea. “And sit down, get comfy.”

Ahk gave you an appreciative smile and kissed your cheek before settling on the blanket, tugging your hand encouragingly to join him.

“Hang on,” You mumbled, digging around in your backpack. “I need one more thing, I know it’s in here.”

As you settled down beside your boyfriend, you pulled out a pair of earbuds, which you connected to your phone. You passed Ahk one, and he stared at it with a frown.

“What’s this?” He asked, inspecting it as if it were some sort of scientific specimen.

“You put that in your left ear,” You explained with a smile, as you put the other earbud in your right ear. “Like this, see?”

Ahk frowned, nodding, before doing the same.

As Nat King Cole began to play softly, you intertwined your fingers between Ahk’s and rested your head on his shoulder. He, in turn, leaned his head gently against yours.

“Look up,” you whispered. “Dawn is coming.”

The two of you sat together, holding matching thermoses of tea, as you watched the last of the night begin to fade away.

“Is this what you get to see… for an entire day?” Ahk asked you breathlessly. You looked over and saw his gaze entirely fixed on the pinks, blues, and purples that now filled the sky. His eyes were glassy, and as you gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, a tear slowly trailed its way down his cheek.

“You’re seeing the most beautiful part of the day,” You answered quietly, pausing to kiss your boyfriend’s cheek. “Everything else is… a little plain.”

“It’s been so long since I saw Ra prepare to rise.” He whispered, reluctantly taking his gaze off the sky to look at you. You almost started crying as well when you saw the emotion in his eyes. You had never seen someone look so entirely moved by something as simple as this.

“Nicky and Sacagawea…” Ahk continued, a little frown blooming on his face as he took a tiny sip of tea. “You got them to do all that… for me?”

You nodded, smiling at the thought of all the hectic planning you’d had to do over the last 24 hours.

“My initial idea didn’t require this much, uh, Mission Impossible-style planning,” you answered sheepishly. “But as soon as I mentioned taking you outside, and so close to sunrise too, Larry immediately put his foot down. He made Teddy my official ‘babysitter’.”

Ahk’s eyes widened, and he let out a little laugh. “Is that why Teddy kept walking by my exhibit earlier?”

You giggled. “Yes Ahk, that’s exactly why. Larry didn’t want him to let us out of his sight, in case I tried to sneak you out.”

Ahk nudged your shoulder playfully with his own. “And yet you snuck us out anyway.”

“You bet your ass I did. I wasn’t going to just sit there while you were feeling down. I had to do something to help.”

Ahk leaned forward, caressing your face tenderly as he pulled you in for a kiss. He smiled into it, before pushing you back onto the blanket. His lips moved softly against yours as he deepened the kiss, pausing only to lean his forehead against yours minutes later.

“No one has ever done anything so considerate for me, Y/N,” he whispered, placing a kiss tenderly on each of your cheeks. “Thank you. You are truly one of a kind.”

You felt your eyes prickle with happy tears at Ahk’s words. You reached up and booped his nose gently with the tip of your finger.

“I love you, Ahk.” You said simply, unable to shake the smile that bloomed on your face. He captured your lips with his own once more briefly.

“I love you more, Y/N.”

A loud ringing noise suddenly cut off the Dean Martin song that was playing from your earbuds, and you realized with a sinking feeling of utter disappointment that it was time to pack up and head back to the museum. Sunrise would be arriving soon.

“What was that?” Ahk winced, yanking his earbud out of his ear as he sat up in alarm.

“Sorry,” you apologized, pushing yourself up onto your feet and starting to shove everything back into your bag. “That’s the signal for us to go.”

The two of you packed up wordlessly, Ahk helping you speed things up by tying the blanket around his shoulders like a cape after he saw you struggling to cram it back into your backpack. Dean Martin still played through your earbuds as you raced back across the street to the museum.

“How much time is left?” Ahk called to you from over his shoulder as he yanked the receiving door back open, letting you pass through first.

“We’ve got just under ten minutes to get you back into your usual clothes!” “We’d better hurry then!”

Before you knew what was happening, Ahk had raced back over to you and picked you up, one arm supporting your back and the other under your knees. You yelped, instinctively wrapping your arms around his neck as he sprinted down the hall. The two of you laughed excitedly, high on adrenaline to the point where Ahk almost tripped, nearly sending both of you flying down the hall.

“You two are having fun, I see.”

Ahk skidded to a halt, and you realized with horror that the two of you had run into none other than Teddy. He sat on his horse, staring amusedly down at you as you still remained in Ahkmenrah’s arms.

“Well, you see, we were j-just…” Ahk stammered, glancing at you for help. He was just as bad of a liar as you were. But to your surprise, Teddy smiled.

“If you hurry straight to your exhibit,” Teddy whispered. “I’ll pretend I never saw you. I’ll also pretend that Nicky and Sacagawea never took your place.”

“You knew?” You asked, your eyes widening in surprise. Teddy let out a hearty laugh.

“Your trick may have worked for the cavemen, but not for me.” Teddy announced proudly. “And besides, I’d recognize Sacagawea anywhere.”

You sighed, your gaze falling to the floor in disappointment.

“The important part is,” Teddy continued, a warm smile on his face as he gazed admirably at the two of you. “You made it back in time, just like you said. Now, I’m not encouraging you to do it again, but if you hurry along now… I won’t say anything to Larry.”

Your eyes widened as you grinned at Teddy. Before you knew it, Ahk was already running once more. 

“Thank you Ted!” You yelled back as Ahk sped down the hall. “You’re the best!”

“Safe returns, my friends!”

You giggled with glee as the two of you made it back to Ahk’s exhibit, where he finally set you down. Dropping your backpack on the ground, you raced over to Ahk’s sarcophagus and dug out his usual clothes in order to help him change back.

Before you knew it, Ahk was whipping off his hoodie and sweatpants right in front of you, desperate to get his clothes back on in the handful of minutes you had left before sunrise.

“You know,” you began, biting your lip as your currently-shirtless boyfriend reached for his armbands. “It’s too bad we don’t have more time right now, otherwise we could’ve taken this to the storage closet again.”

In return, Ahk glared at you as he tugged his shendyt back on. “How dare you say something like that right as we have to say goodbye!”

You laughed, stepping in to kiss him goodbye quickly, before setting his crown gently on the top of his head.

“I’ll be here tomorrow, my king.” You whispered teasingly, before placing a small kiss on the shell of his ear. “As soon as sunset arrives.”

He smirked, pulling you in for one last passionate kiss before settling into his sarcophagus.

“Deal.”

[ninjadoph]

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Yes

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Nope

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes

4. Is trust a big issue for you? Oh! Yes

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Can’t go out

6. What are you excited for? Waking up everyday

7. What happened tonight? sex and convo

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Yes

9. Is confidence cute? Hmmm. Depende

10. What is the last beverage you had? Beer

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? idk

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? yup

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? sleep as usual

14. What are you going to spend money on next? gift for my husband

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Yessssss

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Hmm yup :)

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Mu husband

18. The last time you felt broken? Today :)) May 24, 2021

19. Have you had sex today? Nope. Last night

20. Are you starting to realize anything? Already started

21. Are you in a good mood? Not really

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Oo :D

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Idk

24. What do you want right this second? Idk

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Bakit.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yeah

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Yes

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Picture of my husband with her Ex-live-in-partner ;)

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? My fam

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Depende siguro

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Of course not.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? yup

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? Nah

34. Listening to? Hangin ng electricfan

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Sometimes

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? At work

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? Oo :))

38. Who did you last call? Wala akong pantawag ;D

39. Who was the last person you danced with? Husband

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because he goes to work

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I cant remember

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No:(

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? A BIG YES!!! Way back 2011 Hahahahaha

44. Do you tan in the nude? Nope

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? He always gives me kisses

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Yup

47. Who was the last person to call you? Idk

48. Do you sing in the shower? Yeah :)

49. Do you dance in the car? I dont have car XD

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? No

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? None

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yeeeees

53. Is Christmas stressful? Nope

54. Ever eat a pierogi? What’s that :D

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Wala e

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A nurse

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Of course

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Always ;)

59. Take a vitamin daily? Nope

60. Wear slippers? Yes

61. Wear a bath robe? Nope

62. What do you wear to bed? sleepwear

63. First concert? Silent sanctuary August 2015

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? None

65. Nike or Adidas? Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Red

69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes college days

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Yes entreprenuer

71. Can you curl your tongue? Oo naman

72. Ever won a spelling bee? Quiz bee lang

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Oo :)

74. What is your favorite book? The Little Prisoner

75. Do you study better with or without music? With music

76. Regularly burn incense? No

77. Ever been in love? Oo malamang

78. Who would you like to see in concert? LANY

79. What was the last concert you saw? PNE, ITCHYWORMS, SPONGECOLA

80. Hot tea or cold tea? BOTH

81. Tea or coffee? BOTH

82. Favorite type of cookie? Anything

83. Can you swim well? Slight

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yup

85. Are you patient? Yessssss

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? BAND 😍😍

87. Ever won a contest? Yup

88. Ever have plastic surgery? Nope

89. Which are better black or green olives? Idk

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Di na uso

91. Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom

92. Do you want to get married? BIG YES 🙂

[the-coffee-story]

Coffee - The Story of a Tragedy

Chapter 26 - The End

"Openly said, the disguise was genius," Evans declared, sitting on the desk. He wiped his cheeto fingers off on his pants without thinking and then sighed as he realized there was a fresh stain on them now.

Coffee smiled and his fingers spelled out an answer. "I wasn't really thinking about it." He still had trouble with learning sign language, but he was getting better. The other members of the team were all learning with him, save for the Doctor, who, for some reason he of course wouldn't reveal, was already fluent in it.

Unlike Evans, who groaned like an old man. "I really gotta get better at that. Doc, what did he say?"

"I was channelling my inner demons."

Everyone laughed.

"He did not say that!", Evans exclaimed.

The Doctor shrugged his shoulders. "Learn sign language and converse like a normal human being."

Coffee laughed. "I can get a...text to speech app too if necessary," he signed.

"Shh, don't tell him that, he's just lazy!", the Doctor hissed.

"How did you realize it wasn't me anyway?", Coffee signed.

"Oh, that was easy." The Doctor waved it off. "Something about him seemed off from the beginning. He wore matching socks, that's just a start." The others laughed.

"But it was also the general shadiness of the case. Nothing about poor Henry matched Franklin except the way he looked. Neither Pepper nor Diego seemed like they were stone cold murderers. Even Gary Fox who wouldn't recognize a criminal if he stabbed someone in front of him realized something was off." Coffee laughed out loud.

"I finally realized the second he didn't know why we all call you Coffee," Violet confessed. "But I started suspecting it after he shot you."

"That was the point when I started digging into the whole case," the Doctor continued. "I'm not a detective and never want to be, but I thought, this is personal, this is something worth abandoning your lab for."

Walther giggled. "If he says that he's serious."

Evans sighed. "Meanwhile I am here, contemplating what a horrible detective I am."

Coffee chuckled. Walther nudged him. "So, you and Vi, are y'all a thing now?"

He shrugged his shoulders and looked at her. She, too, shrugged. "Why not?" He smiled, turned back to Walther and nodded. They grinned. "Fuck yeah."

Evans leaned back. "So...the innocent victim is out of prison and back with his girlfriend, whom he will hopefully treat better than Franklin did, we have our real detective back, everyone lived...wow, happy end." He hesitated. "D-do you think your voice will eventually come back...?"

"Are you kidding me, his vocal chords have been fucked more than a brothel worker in the 1800s-"

"Walther!", Evans hissed.

Coffee was silently dying of laughter. Finally he shook his head.

Evans groaned. "Then I guess I'm gonna have to learn sign language for good."

"Man up, boss," Walther commented, opening a can of coke. "Hey, has anyone here ever put a Mentos in cola?"

"Welle, don't!", Evans yelled.

"You're a hazard to society," Violet snickered.

"And a coward," the Doctor added. "Put five in it and shake it."

"Good idea, Spaghetti!"

"Absolutely not!", Evans exclaimed.

"You can't stop me!", Walther yelled, seizing a pack of mentos and running out the room. The others followed them up to the roof.

The sun was shining for the first time in months and it hit them all with it's might. The sky above was clear and blue and the swifts were chirping. Coffee spun Violet around and they laughed.

Later that night they found themself back up on the bridge, hand in hand, counting cars and stars. The city was glowing in the night and above the sky glowed back. The rain had finally stopped.

Violet leaned against Coffee. "I missed you."

He chuckled.

Then they kissed.

[lfglistings]

Horde of the Dragon Queen Friday 1pm

Game: D&D 5e (*** Pay to Play***  $15 per session )

  Experience: All Levels

  Location/Timezone: Eastern

  Friday Group 1- 1 PM Est/ 12pm CT/ 11am MT/ 10am PST

  Party is lvl 3 and Comprised: Zealot Barb, Shadow Sorc, Ranger Hunter, Life Cleric and Warlock Pact of the Tome

  Horde of the Dragon Queen is part of the Tyranny of Dragons is set in the Forgotten Realms on Faerûn's western shore—the Sword Coast. A thin strip of civilization stretches down this coast, where widely spaced cities are arranged like beads on a string. A combination of roads and wagon tracks loosely connect the cities that stretch from Luskan in the north to Calimport in the south, passing through Neverwinter, Waterdeep, Baldur's Gate, and other great ports along the way. The bulk of this adventure takes place on the stretch between Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter.

The Cult of the Dragon, in an audacious bid for power, along with its dragon allies and the Red Wizards of Thay, seek to bring Tiamat from her prison in the Nine Hells to Faerûn. To this end, they are sweeping from town to town, laying waste to all those who oppose them and gathering a hoard of riches for their dread queen. The threat of annihilation has become so dire that groups as disparate as the Harpers and Zhentarim are banding together in the fight against the cult. Never before have heroes been so needed, will you heed the call and save the people of Faerûn? Grab your dice and strap in, lets go over a few things before we get you too excited!!

1) Cursing is allowed at my table, however in moderation. Should you design a fowl mouthed character by all mean RP that shit up all you like, but keep it relatively clean so as to not make other uncomfortable. 2) Be respectful of the time people spend in the spotlight, please try and keep talking over one another to a minimum. Granted we are all getting to know one another and over time we will develop a tempo that will nearly cut this down to non-existence. 3) Mic check, mi mi mi MIC CHECK! Let’s all face it at one time or another we've all been in a game and heard tons of background of another players Mic. This can and does diminish the fluidity of the game as well as people enjoyment. No one needs to hear you munching on cheetos between your round of combat! 4) This for the majority will run as rules as written, if you want to do something on the fly that kind of bends the rules but doesn't outright break them... Well let the RULE OF COOL Rule! Though it will be sparing, reserved for epic moments and not every session. I am fine with Rule lawyers, but once I made a call let it be and we can chat after the session as much as you like.

5) Be Cool and have FUN!!

What you can expect from me:

I have discovered the passion for storytelling and derive enjoyment from leading others through fantastic and memorable adventures. I am here to have as much fun and provide you an escape from reality and through you I took escape! I really do want to put you in that world, in that moment and help you bring out that inner bad ass that is your character!! Conversely, actions do have consequences, so things can go real sideways if you go around murdering and stealing! I love providing an immersive experience, I try to give each NPC their own remarkable, but I am not a voice actor! This will of course vary with each group, but I am for a 30% RP, 10-15% exploration and the rest combat. I will by no means will ever make you RP if you don't want to, but I do reward good RP and inventive thinking more than combat XP. I run a mix of XP and milestone type system, that account for attendance, so if you miss a whole bunch of games you might be a level or two behind the rest of the party, which is totally fine! Life happens, it is what it is. May the Dice every fall in your favor!!

This is pay to play, for anyone interested in joining or have any question hit me up on discord:

  mysticvhedd#6266

[kpopisamood]

Queen’s Clan { 17 }

Summary: y/n is plagued by nightmares. She realizes that the more she runs away, the less frequently they haunt her. However, in running away, she’s also running straight into her ultimate demise. Will she be saved in time by those who would lay down their lives for her, even if they don’t know of each other’s existence?

Monsta X/Reader, Human/Vampire(s), Reverse Harem

Warnings: mentions of period sex (READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!)

Word count: 2.49k

Tag list: @noonaduck @lovinggalaxies @elenaramos1 @girlwith-thecinder-blockgarden @snowythellama @stargazersara @luvthatleader-nim @jooheonbee @vincent-stargogh @perrshian @kurochan3 @imbxckytrash @joonsgotthejuice @mymymywonderland @2ka-tja2 @qween-of-trash

***

You felt like literal death. Mother Nature had decided to come early and grant you the gift of...well, lack of the gift of a child. In your mind, you were laughing at your former self. You’d been kind of snippy and a bit emotional that last couple of days and waking up this morning in a pool of your own goo confirmed you weren’t some whiny bitch. You cringed when you remembered the moment you teared up when Jooheon had offered his last taco at dinner when he saw you eyeing it. Or when you’d thrown a remote at Shownu just for simply walking in front of the television to get to the kitchen. Looking back, you’d realized you owed the boys some sort of form of an apology and you were mentally preparing yourself for what might happen.

If you survived this week from impossible cravings and gut-clenching cramps first.

You hadn’t left your room since you started this cycle, save for sanitary changes and stocking up on food, and the boys were getting a bit restless.

Who knew vampires and periods didn’t mesh well?

Just knowing you were ovulating was enough to make them extra possessive and touchy with you but you could only imagine the hold you’d have now. You couldn’t help but have a slight, morbid curiosity about what they thought of this certain situation.

***

“If she doesn’t come out, I’m breaking that door down.” Wonho muttered, laying on his folded arms while sitting at the table, restlessly clicking his fingers against the wooden fixture.

“If you break down that door, she’ll throw a remote at you next.” Shownu shot back, a ghost of a smile on his lips as he remembered you nearly decking him. You were very independent, and you certainly stood up for yourself. But to see you ready to kill him over something so trivial was a bit...cute, albeit slightly arousing.

“Oh, dammit! She took all the Hot Cheetos again!” Changkyun complained, grabbing another small snack to munch on as he joined the others.

They’d been discussing you and how to help you with your...predicament. They all knew you were in some sort of pain and they were all desperate to comfort you in any way, shape, or form. Anything to not have you shut them out like you were. Anything to get the chance to be around you.

“What if we take her for a walk?” Minhyuk opted, looking around the group.

“You wanna try getting her out of her room?” Jooheon asked, folding his arms and leaning against a wall.

“Well, shit. How are we supposed to help her?” Wonho pouted again, tapping his fingers in a pattern.

“I heard orgasms help with cramps.” Changkyun stated.

Everyone stopped and stared at the younger man. They kept looking from him to the direction you were in while curiously thinking over this option.

“This isn’t a ploy to get into her pants again, is it?” Jooheon warned, eyes already turning a deep black at the possibilities this could bring up.

“Well, obviously, yes. But I’ve heard it really does help.” Changkyun replied.

Interesting, they all thought.

***

The skin-slapping and the shameful, yet arousing squelching noises filled your room. The air was thick and humid from how long you’ve been taking their ministrations and you groaned in frustration when he edged you again, not quite letting you take that leap of faith, but not leaving you completely helpless.

“Fuck you, Wonho.” You sighed, trying to pull away, only to be further held down by Shownu. Wonho has you pinned under him, arms curled around your thighs, not letting you leave his sinful mouth while Shownu held onto your arms and delivered slight smacks to your breasts to keep you on edge. Every time you thought he was finally going to let you come, he’d pull away and smirk at you and each time you were about to let him have an earful, he’d go back to his merciless attack against your clit, nipping and suckling at the tender button effectively silencing any and all complaints. Shownu’s chest was at your back, and he held you in place to take whatever Wonho gave you. Your legs were parted over his much stronger ones and each time you tried to close them, he’d pull them even further apart and try to get you to relax while Wonho drank from you like a starved man.

“That can be arranged, Y/N.” Jooheon’s voice sounded to your right. The others were also in the room, watching eagerly as the two gave you this delicious torture. You don’t know how exactly this came about, but frankly, you didn’t care.

A familiar knot appeared in your belly once again. This time, you were going to get what you wanted. Even if you had to trick them. Maybe you could pretend you still had a ways to go and then just come unexpectedly.

But Wonho saw right through your plan and pulled away with a pop and smirked up at you again.

“Son of a bitch!” You complained, throwing an arm over your face in exasperation.

“Y/N, look at him this time. Don’t turn away.” Minhyuk suggested, watching the sight lazily and smiling to himself.

You took his advice and looked down at Wonho, this time, seeing his chin and mouth covered in a sticky, red tint, licking slowly around the edges of his lips to get more of the red liquid into his system. The image alone should have disgusted you, but it fueled your arousal that much more.

Just as he dove back in to feast more on you, you felt Shownu’s teeth pierce your skin while he growled and held you closer, one of his hands coming up to hold your neck, slightly applying pressure to your throat and making your vision thin in and out. You could feel yourself shaking and the explosion finally came upon you while—

You woke with a start, clutching the sheets surrounding you. You slowly sat up and surveyed your surroundings, checking to make sure you were truly alone and not experiencing what happened in your dream. Or was it a nightmare?

You honestly couldn’t believe what you saw. You had let Wonho go down on you during your...cycle?! You were outright ashamed with the thought but somewhat curious. Sure, during this time, one could be susceptible to hormonal changes and maybe even be a bit horny. But to actually go through with an act like that? Letting someone see you and be in you so intimately during a time where you were so vulnerable was shocking. In society’s eyes, periods were a repugnant event that were overly taxed for capitalistic advancements. Period sex may be for those more open-minded couples that were comfortable with one another, but to you, it’s something you can’t exactly wrap your head around.

This was just a dream. It didn’t happen, and probably never will. So why did you ache?

A knock at your door brought you out of your stupor and you bunched the sheets up closer to your chest as you told the person to come in.

The man who was going down on you in your dream came in and took a seat on the edge of your bed and you wanted to die. Remembering the things he did. Seeing him enjoy it and gain pleasure from edging you and tasting your—

“Would you like assistance with your cycle, my Queen?” He asked, smiling at you as if he had asked you about the weather.

You wanted to bury yourself under the covers and never come out to see the light of day again. You could pull it off. Perhaps call the other Queens so you wouldn’t completely go crazy. Order food and have the delivery person come straight to your room and slide it under the door like a prisoner. Avoid the boys altogether until you wasted away.

“I-uh, what?” You mumbled against the sheets, slowly covering your flushed face.

“Y/N, we can all smell you from a mile away. Also, you’re not the quietest when you’re having a wet dream.” He chuckled, brushing a few stray hairs out of your face.

Jesus, take the wheel.

You swear you could have passed out right then and there from shock were it not for Wonho smiling at you comfortingly.

“Being what we are, we’re completely comfortable with menstruation and would like to help in any way you’d like us to. Be it massage, snack runs...intimacy.” He suggested.

“I can’t. It’s not exactly sanitary—“ he cut you off.

“We figured you wouldn’t be as comfortable as we are with this, but there are other ways to help you without you letting us see you so, how would humans say it, messy? Although, there’s absolutely nothing unsanitary about this.”

Jesus, crash the car.

“Keep in mind, we’d be honored to ease your pain and give you pleasure, but we will not force anything on you. We sensed your unease and wanted to help...aid you, if we could.”

You’ll admit, what he was suggesting could possibly help your pain. It wasn’t exactly bad pain, but it wasn’t good. You’ve had worse cramps before, it’s just absolutely incessant. When you think you’ve finally felt the last of the nausea and dull throbbing, another wave hits and picks up where it left off.

“If I say yes, what would we do?” You ask timidly, trying not to look him in the eye.

He smiled softly and laced his fingers through yours, tugging down the sheets softly. “Just simple petting, perhaps grinding. If you wanted more, we could give you more—“

“No, no! I mean, if we do this, it won’t be weird?” You asked.

“What’s so weird about something so natural? If you think it offends anyone here, excuse my informality, but you’re mistaken. If anything, it offends us that we can’t help you. It makes us feel like we’re not doing our job and that you don’t need or want us.” He finished off, staring at you intensely.

You really didn’t know what to say to that but you nodded along. “Clothes stay on.” You ordered.

Wonho smirked at you and leaned in, just a breath away from your lips. “My clothes or yours, my Queen?” He whispered huskily before nipping at your bottom lip, causing you to gasp out before throwing your arms around his neck and taking his lips once more.

He groaned against you and leaned in, pushing you up against your headboard. You moaned against him and he stealthily let his tongue slip past your lips, exploring your mouth. He slid his hand down your arm, clutching your hand. His other free hand explored more cautiously, lightly brushing at intimate areas but not resting completely against them so as to not make you uneasy.

You could faintly hear your door opening and shutting before hearing another set of footsteps join you and felt the bed dip on your left.

“My turn.” Jooheon whispered, softly pulling you away from Wonho’s kiss and straight into his. He was a bit more rough, dominating the kiss completely and making you melt under his skillful tongue. You felt Wonho scoot up closer, spreading your legs and kneeling in between them with his powerful thighs. When you tried to turn your attention to him to see what he was doing, Jooheon greedily pulled you back to his lips. You moaned against him when you felt Wonho gently glide his hands up and down your legs. You were wearing shorts and each sweep he made, had them bunch up before he brushed them neatly back into place.

“What do you want me to do, Y/N?” Wonho asked, stopping completely. Jooheon released your lips, hand still grasping your chin as he turned your head to focus on Wonho.

You hesitated as you tried regaining your breath and whispered, “Please help me come. But don’t go under my clothes.”

“Yes, my Queen.” Wonho smiles before swiftly flipping you onto your hands and knees. The swift action caused you to yelp out before you found your bearings and by then, it was too late.

Wonho leaned against your back, not putting his full weight as he rubbed and massaged your shoulders. He slowly made his way down to your behind, to the back of your thighs, before coming around to rub against your stomach and slowly, oh, so slowly, go down to cup your center.

Heat pooled where he finally touched and you grit your teeth, trying to not make a sound.

“My Queen, I’d love to hear the sounds you make from being pleasured.” Jooheon smiles innocently at you. “Be as loud as you please. We’ll take care of you.” You were about to tell him to stick that comment where the sun doesn’t shine when you felt Wonho push against your clothed pussy, making you gasp and almost fall face first to the bed. Jooheon caught you and cooed at your reaction, absolutely loving every sound you let escape your lips.

Wonho wasn’t satisfied, though. He needed more. He skillfully pushed one digit against your tender clit and swirled it around slowly, grinning when he heard you pant his name. You were completely left to his mercy and your toes curled at the thought of him being so in control of you.

“F-fuck!” You shouted as he pushed a bit harder, making you grind against his hand to get more.

“That’s it, Y/N. Just let it go. We’ve got you.” Jooheon whispered against your neck, lightly suckling at three skin and whispering words of encouragement. “May I have a taste, my Queen?” He asked.

Without hesitation, you consented. The moment he bit down, you saw stars. Wonho helped you come down slowly from your high. He wasn’t edging you like he did in your dream, and you were grateful. The light aftershocks and pulsing of your inner walls made you sigh in relief. The pain had subsided significantly and you were finally somewhat comfortable in your own skin again.

When you finally get yourself together, you heard another knock on your door. This time, Shownu and Minhyuk came in.

“You didn’t think they’d be the only ones pleasing you tonight, did you, my Queen?” Minhyuk teased before taking Wonho’s place.

This was about to be a long night.

Please do NOT repost! All rights reserved!

[magic5ball]

Nature Trail to Hell Arc IV: Megamart of Darkness (6)

Chapter 6: Franklin vs. Penn: Ultimate Grudge Match

“I’m sorry,” He said, all polite-and-founding-father like, “but the museum is now closed. Those who do not leave WILL BE EXTERMINATED. As I always say, early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and NOT DEAD! Thank you so much for visiting the Franklin Institute, and please come back tomorrow, when I WON’T KILL YOU!”

           Unfortunately for Silverstein, I’d been in situations like this a thousand times before. See, when you get in trouble, be it trying to flood the house, drawing pictures on the walls, or just plain old putting fireworks in your breakfast cereal, you learn real quick to always have a buddy (or little brother) on standby. Why? Because-

“It was them, Mr. Franklin!” I cried, pointing my index finger. “They started it!”

Then I ran. Always run before they can think long enough to punish you!

There was a loud Pop as Ben Franklin cracked his knuckles.

“A fool and his money are soon parted, as is a certain Quaker and his life if he does not leave now. I once said visitors and fish stink after three days, but you were rotten on arrival, pacifist!”

Penn stamped his foot so hard it cracked the floor, accepting the challenge. “I may not believe in fighting, but soon you shall see why they call us the Quakers, you impoverished d!ck!”

“Uhh… guys? I’m still here.” Said Silverstein, just in time for Penn to kick him into a marble pillar.

“The child is mine to reprimand, you fool!”

“’Tis not!”

“’Tis too!”

“’Tis not!”

           As much as I wanted to hear a riveting philosophical debate between two of PA’s most famous citizens, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to getting crushed by giants, either. Instead I ran. I ran so far away. Now, keep in mind I hadn’t been to the museum since I was five, which made searching out the train an absolute pain. Having two giant men bumbling behind me didn’t exactly help.

All I could think was runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun.

           It should have been easy: all I needed to do was find that stupid train, bring it to life with gold dust, and vamoose! If only I could remember which room the darn thing was in! Instead, I ran through rooms filled with electricity, weather, and ‘shudder’ physics. Sometime along the way, I realized this is where parents put all the boring sciences nobody cared about, locking them away from the rest of the world. This wasn’t a museum, this was a prison. A prison of learning.

           Then there were Ben Franklin and William Penn hot on my tail, reducing rooms to rubble as they went. I had no idea what would happen when all that science got released into the world, but I didn’t want to find out. At least they seemed more interested in each other than me. Until Ben Franklin stuffed Penn’s body up a working Tesla coil, that is. Penn might have recovered, had he been made of something other than bronze. Instead, the room exploded in a burst of electricity, Franklin and I leaping out in the nick of time like a pair of action heroes.

           Of course, without Penn to distract him, I had to contend with Big Ben himself (and Silverstein, whenever the heck he got back in the fight). So now on top of finding Baldwin (seriously, how hard can finding a 400,000 pound choo-choo train possibly be?!) I had the world’s angriest founding father on my tail, spitting maxims at me. Maxims that were also really bad puns about my demise (that I may or may not still sometimes hear in my sleep).

“I once said three can keep a secret if two of them are dead. So far, one down, one to go!”

I slammed my knuckles to my head.

Come on, Watt! Think, thiiinnnnkkkkkk!

I pumped my ten year old legs hard enough to pop my knees off, the air pushing back against me like concrete. There was a flash; the world spun. Then everything was still. Absolutely still.

                                                          .   .   .

           When I opened my eyes, I back at the Franklin Institute. Srta. Now, it was day and there were tons of guests. And in that great thong of guests was none other than five year old me being dragged along his parents. 

Fist, I was right confused about what the hey was going on, when it struck me that just last year I managed to run faster than the speed of light, going back through time. But back then, I’d sprained my ankle so I shouldn’t have been able to go that fast again. This had to be an illusion! Unless...

Unless, being a soul now, my ghost ankle wasn’t sprained, which, combined with my dinosaur feet, had let me run fast enough to break he sound barrier again and go back to the day my parents first took me to this hell of learning! Should I have been worried I wasn’t more shocked? Maybe, but all my mind could think of was how I distinctly remembered seeing a giant train as the last stop on my visit. It took my nerve wracked mind five seconds to churn out a plan. And so began the first (but sadly, not last) time I would find myself stalking somebody.

           Funny about stalking. In the movies they make it look like some daring spy espionage thing while some awesome music plays in the background. Fact is, you spend most of it just sitting around searching for that perfect mix of part of the crowd, but not so much you’ve lost your target, the whole time internally screaming Darn it, kid! Put down the plastic stegosaurus and get a move on to the trains already! (I also felt tempted to tell him throwing Steggy into incoming traffic on the way home was a terrible idea even by 5-year-old standards, but that’s the sort of thing that causes time paradoxes, so I kept my mouth shut.) Seriously, it’s no wonder I didn’t remember squat about the place! And somehow, despite having his face in front of a dinosaur the whole time, little Watt spent hours in front of every exhibit (except the giant human heart, that one sent little me screaming for the exit until Mom convinced him there were no ghosts in there). If it weren’t for Dad grumbling how ‘we should’ve just gone to the dinosaurs like we usually do’ while Mom countered with ‘we need to expand our son’s horizons’, I might have died of boredom for the third time that summer.

           One planetarium show later (which I sat outside for, seeing I didn’t have a ticket) they finally got a move on to the trains, which actually got little me to stop staring at his plastic dinosaur for five seconds. Heck, I found myself gaping at the darn thing (which of course was in an out of the way area most people wouldn’t even notice if it wasn’t on the map.)

           So I knew where the Baldwin was, now I could get going returning to my own time! As if on cue, a loudspeaker screamed

“ATTENTION GUESTS! IN FIVE MINUTES THERE WILL BE A DEMONSTRATION OF OUR TESLA COIL IN THE WONDERS OF ELECTRICITY EXHIBIT!”

           Mom, determined to get little me to see there was more to life than dinosaurs (Mom, I love you, but you’re wrong) immediately started dragging the family over. Naturally, I followed suit, knowing full well how this story ended.

Turned out, there was one other thing that could get little me to take his eyes off his plastic dinosaur for more than five seconds (that wasn’t a giant, fleshy organ in the middle of a museum hall). And that was seeing their future self running into the Tesla coil right as the demonstration began.

Have you ever been barbequed? Roasted so dark your skin feels like lava, then you can’t feel anything at all? Well, jumping into that coil was like that, and more. Only thing I could feel was my brains being spun around like clothes in a washer. All the while, I thought of that stupid giant heart. Whose heart did it even belong to, anyway, and who thought it was a good idea to put it in the middle of a museum hall where all a manner of kids could crawl through it to their heart’s content?

Whose heart was it?

But I already knew the answer, just like I know the history of dinosaurs. With that knowledge, I came up with the perfect plan.

And everything was still, absolutely still.

                                                         .   .   .

           When I got back up, it was nighttime in 2006, angry Ben Franklin and all. Quick on my feet, I ran to where the little kids go to learn how disgusting they are on the inside. Franklin followed close behind, each footstep a five on the Richter scale. If I wanted to pull my plan off, I couldn’t miss a beat. Running was a bit trickier, though: somehow, I’d sprained my ghost ankle from running so fast. Not that I really had time to wonder how that worked. 

Anyway!

           Most kids like theme parks. I was never one of them. You know why? Because of those creepy animal mascots! Just like clowns, there’s something inhuman about them! But at the end of the day, a thousand of those costumed freaks seemed less scary than Big Ben Franklin’s ticker. And this is coming from a guy who literally lived in the Underworld for a few weeks!

           Did you know it glows at night?! It freaking glows at night like some bloody Chinese lantern. While pulsing! It was enough to make me lose my lunch (or Cheetos, in this case) to the point where I wondered if being crushed to death in the marble hands of our first president might not be such a bad thing after all. (He was our first president, right?) But at the end of it all, I flinched. First I was fleeing from death, the next moment I was lodged somewhere in Big Ben’s left ventricle.

“Coward! Come out and face me!” He cried, punching a hole mere inches from my face.

I may or may have not screamed as blood splattered my face. For the next few minutes, it was a fight for survival. Franklin ripped open the heart, trying to grab me, and I didn’t know what would kill me first: Fists, or the guy’s cringy maxims.

“He who would sacrifice his freedom for security deserves neither!”

Punch.

“My energy and persistence will conquer all things-that includes your flimsy little bones!”

Slam!

I would have parried with quips of my own, but really, it’s kinda hard to come up with puns for ‘ventricle’. But in the end, I decided who lived a-or-ta died, so that’s neat.

Sure enough, the more Franklin punched, the more blood spread over his marble face, the slower the heat beat and the weaker he got, over and over and over…

“Nothing is… certain in life… but death and…”

Just like that, Ben Franklin collapsed on the floor. Now it was my turn for a witty one liner.

“Didn’t your mother ever tell you an investment in knowledge pays the best interest? Fun fact about the heart: when it stops beating, you stop living.”

And with that, I went to my way toward the Baldwin, but not before Franklin gave me one last ominous warning.

“He who lives upon hope…”

I didn’t hear the rest because by then, he’d drowned in his own blood.

           So I ran to the best of my memory, diving down that staircase where they keep the pendulum thingy into the space travel exhibit (or as I like to call it: ‘You think it’s gonna be fun, but it’s not’.) And who do I see leaning against a replica lunar module but Smell Silverstein himself, looking mighty proud of himself

“Good evening, Watterson.” He said, all sinister-like. “You probably think you’ve been doing real good, busting up two of Pennsylvania’s most famous figures like that. Too bad, mother*cker! Because I’m Shel mother*ckin’ Silverstein, and now, you will be crushed by the wrath of Apollo, the Living Lunar Module!”

With as much charisma as he could muster, he took some dust from his pocket and splashed it on the space thing.

Nothing happened.

Shel looked at his hands, now a bright orange. “What the Stephen Hellenberg?! This isn’t gold dust, this is CHEESE PUFF DUST!”

           You know that gold dust Silverstein tried to snatch from me earlier? Too bad he didn’t have good night vision (the kind you get from constantly checking for monsters under your bed) otherwise he’d have noticed I’d pulled the ol’ switcheroo on him. 

And I made certain he wouldn’t have time to correct his mistake. 

You ever rammed a guy twice your size before? The key is to catch them by surprise, because even if you’re an eighty pound wimp like yours truly, if the other guy isn’t expecting it, they’ll topple like a domino, bang their head on the leg of a lunar module, and that will be that.

           Of course, I didn’t exactly have time to celebrate my victory. With what little energy I had left, I tottered over to the train exhibit. For a moment I’d expected the worst, but there it was, black, long, and big as a house: the Baldwin 60000, the greatest locomotive ever designed by man. Right where I’d left it. Climbing into the cockpit, I opened the firebox, pouring every last ounce of Penn’s gold dust inside. The whole thing shimmered as streams of gold circled the train, like some kind of magic spell.

“What the f*ck?!”

A deep booming voice erupted from right out of nowhere.

“Where am I? What is this place?! How the hell am I talking?!”

“Hey, relax-“

“And now there’s a voice in my head!”

“Actually, my name’s Watt, and I’m gonna bust you out of here.”

“Well I’m not interested! If you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to being the greatest steam engine in America!”

I slapped my head, finally realizing my Mom put up with this crap every time she put me to bed at night.

“C’mon, Baldwin, I nearly got sent to the Underworld, MULTIPLE TIMES I might add, trying to rescue you!”

“Then if you want a train so badly, go to Rocket over there! He’d probably help you out!”

Rocket was a dinky little rust bucket who probably couldn’t outrun a fourth grader, much less crush a Wegmart Greeter. In fact, I’m still not sure if that thing even qualified as a train.

Fortunately, my Mom put up with this crap every time she put me to bed, so let’s just say I knew a little about getting people to do what you want.

“Fine then,” I said, putting up my hands and making an exasperated sigh. “Guess you won’t have the chance to be famous, then.”

“How?!” The desperation in his voice was palpable.

“Oh, I just wanted you of run over a Wegmart Greeter and help some geese get their nesting grounds back. It would get you in the papers. But I could just go over to Rocket, since you insisted…”

A whistle erupted. “NO! NO! You definitely want me! Ever since I’ve somehow gained a consciousness, all I’ve had the inescapable urge to do something stupid that’ll land me in the papers! I’m a very useful engine, I SWEAR! Please don’t leave meee!”

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes “Okay, but promise you’ll do everything I say, alright.”

“Yes, yes! Anything for fame!”

Just at that moment, William Penn barged in, creating a giant Quaker shaped hole in the wall. His hair was a bit frazzled, but other than that he looked just as dandy as when I first saw him.

“Halt, Wastrel! In the name of Penn-“

“CHARGE!” I screamed.

With an ear shattering whistle Baldwin rammed forward, shattering Penn’s bronze butt into a million pieces. But we didn’t stop there. No, we kept going through the museum, out the other end, and…

“We’re going to crash into traffic!”

“Don’t worry, kid! You just have to belieeeeevvvveeeee!”

“How is that supposed to-“

“Do you want to ram through a traffic jam or not?!”

So I did. I hugged the firebox, believing we might somehow get away with all this. Gradually, the ground stopped screeching beneath us. When I finally found the courage to look down, we were a hundred feet in the air. I wondered what passersbys would think when they looked up to see a seven hundred thousand pound train making a silhouette as it passed over the moon.

“What the heck is happening?!”

“Magic, kid! The Magic of BELEIVING, MOTHERFORKER!” He tooted his whistle triumphantly “Just don’t stop, or we all fall to our deaths. I’ll even sing a song to help you remember!”

“No that’s-“

“Don’t stop! Beleivviiiinnnngg!”

I screamed all the way back to the pond.

                                                          .   .   .

Just like I promised, Baldwin did get in the papers. Specifically, an article in the National Esquirerer titled

“Lascivious Locomotive Finishes Founding Father! Makes Daring Escape into the Heavens!”

Right beneath an article about one of the most pressing issues of our time:

‘Hannah Montana: the American Beethoven?’