#what am i supposed to do if someone tells me their horse died and they need me to take them somewhere inconvenient

[coffeegnomee]

I wanted to write about how far Zam has come with his character for like a week now and now he’s acknowledged it himself so I finally grabbed all the quotes.

Let’s go down memory lane shall we? 

DAY 1 

24:00 “There’s a ghost that haunts my dreams [...] I see him in my sleep. He tells me to kill people. But I don’t want to kill anyone”

“I have to hold it in.. [...] I wish I had like horror sound effects to play and images of every lifesteal member dead and I could flash them across the screen” does that. 

ZAM: “*lights armadillo on fire* “give it a slow, painful death” PENTAR: “for someone against the whole idea of killing, you seem to have a gruesome way around killing things.” ZAM “I’m still me” [armadillo dies.] “I can only resist the urges so much [evil giggle]”

10:07:00 after Pentar kills him “It’s not about being above anyone by not killing people, I would just prefer not to. Because last season I feel like I was.. Something else. And I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to be that again. You know?”

“Because it’s not supposed to be some morality, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of thing, you know? I don’t want to be on some like high horse. It’s more of like, I just don’t wanna let the demon out, you know, that type of thing”

Reflecting on the first two days, I wrote this about Zam: This season looks like an internal battle of his personal desire to complete a minecraft challenge™ (no kills) vs his desire to do lore and change his character multiple times. And I just don’t think the challenge wins long term. A challenge isn’t what makes him love lifesteal, it’s the lore. 

Day 4 7/9/24

1:01:05 “‘zam has no enemies’ no, it’s not that I have no enemies, it’s just that if I kill people, I’m going to become like a monster. Like way worse than anyone else on the server. You know? And I like don’t want that reputation if I’m like just peacefully building. [...] ‘oh bro’s scared to hurt others then?’ yup! [...] ‘bad things will happen…. (meep)’ yea last time I hurt someone, last time i tried to hurt someone, bad things happened. And i just… can’t do that again, you know?”

1:21:40 killing bogged in trial chamber. “It feels nice cutting things down, I don’t think I’ve been doing enough of this. [...] I’m going to kill all of you, I’m going to kill every single one of you. [...] is it weird to say that I’ve missed this? Even though ‘this’ is just cutting down a bunch of skeletons, just jumping up and down and left clicking [...]  [evil giggles (and not to anything in chat)] [...] my sword might say “im so sorry’ but I’m not sorry, I’m not even a little sorry right now” 

2:19:05 “”also Zam is emo’ (chips) “no i’m not! I’m so happy! I’m the happiest i've been in a long time. That’s why I have my nipple out. That’s not true why did i say that” 

4:04:50 Wemmbu killed Spoke. ZAM: “[opens statistics] it still says zero. It still says zero. It still says zero it still says zero. So I’m fine. I’m fine. Cause it still says zero.. [walks around base] I’m fine. It’s perfectly fine. ‘0 plants potted’ (arch) okay actually that’s what I got the clay for so.. Thank you for saying that actually, very convenient timing. [goes to shed to smelt] [blows out breath] I’m just gonna chop down trees. I’m just gonna chop down trees and I’m just gonna leave this group and I’m gonna chop down trees and I’m gonna have a fun time and nothing bad’s gonna happen. And everything’s gonna be a-okay [hannah logged on] I thought Mapicc logged on I cannot lie. Okay maybe I’m scared. [Mapicc logs on] [gasp, crouches] motherfucker. Motherfucker [under breath]”

Dies to Mapicc three times. 

5:26:00 is thinking about how he’s doing a character nobody else on lifesteal has done before. Puts on a lore song. “‘If there’s one thing you’ve been consistent in the last two seasons, it’s been steady in your morals until the end’ (chips) yea. But here’s the thing though [giggle] does it matter? Or like, what’s it called. Am I restricting myself? Do you guys think? Most definitely, right. And it’s like. I dunno, a big part of me feels like it would be nice to like, let go, and just like, join in on all the violence, and everything, and all that stuff. You know? Like it would be nice. It would be nice, I think. Maybe. Maybe not, I don't know… [evil giggle] ahhh. [long pause, arch in chat said ‘once you do it you can’t go back though’ he doesn’t read it out] [lore music cuts out] [very seriously] no that’s stupid. No. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. [blows breath] I’m not gonna let myself go as far as I did last season. I’m not gonna let myself do anything like that again [tehe giggle] [huffs out breath]”

5:28:18 “‘it was fun tho’ (chips) it was, but it was fun at the expense of others. It was fun… but it was damaging to the server.. It was. I dunno. I don’t think it’s who I want to be. I don’t think I was born to be…That. you know? I don’t know. I feel like that’s not who I am. I feel like that was never who I was.” 

7/13/24 end fight day 

~2:38:00 ZAM: “‘its not ok to kill people but it's ok to ask people really nicely to kill people you don't like’ I’m allowed to persuade people’s opinions, I think, and I can only do that when I’m really really mad. [...] But i dunno. [sigh] I’ve messaged both opposing teams so i dunno, I don’t care enough though. Whatever. This is beyond me."

“Joker zam went back into his closet’ (meep) that’s true. I was possessed for a second there. [messages MC chat saying that] ‘my evil self wishes for me to kill everyone. I won’t tho.' 

7/14/24 day he kills planet

Hour and half of Pangi messing with him while he gets more and more frustrated at the shulker farm. 

1:28:50 Zam flies after Pangi and crits him out, but he stops. “I can’t crit him out like that, I’m gonna get my first player kill and it’s gonna ruin all my lore” 

1:40:00 pangi is still singing, Zam bows him, then tries fishing rodding him. He comes up the farm PANGI: “hey PrinceZam, do you need therapy?” ZAM: “shut up you always got some noise to make, shut up. [...] I bet you’re my first kill this season” PANGI: “BAHAHAA” ZAM: “just kidding I won’t kill anyone. Just kidding. Just kidding just kidding. That was a joke. That was a joke. I won’t kill anyone. [blows out breath]” PANGI: “okay PrinceZam.” 

1:47:00 ZAM: “what the fuck just happened to me. Dude, I need to stop. He keeps, he keeps trying to get me to get my first kill, bro. He’s trying to get me to get my first kill. I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. It’s getting harder and harder, with each and every day, to hold back [sigh] oooh kay. ‘Why aren’t you killing anybody’ because as soon as I kill one person, I go down a dark dark path. And you don’t want to see that dark dark path. ‘WE DO’ I don’t. K fine, maybe you do. I don’t. A great darkness lurks within me. A great darkness lurks within me. It’s consumed me, ever since, ever since I was young. ‘Your dark side is banging on the door, let the poor guy in’ no. noo. I’m gonna build a closet in my house. ‘PLEASE DO IT’ where could I even, oh I know where I could actually build a closet right now, let’s do that right now actually hold on. Unironically lets do that right now” 

6:24:44 zam goes to bacon in his base, “Whenever I sleep, he comes to me. So i try not to sleep in that bed anymore” BACON: “[baffled] how did that even start. Like how did you even, what, how did this even become a thing in your head” ZAM: “[ignoring] there’s a demon in my closet, any time, any time I die he comes closer to possessing me.” BACON: “okay what is the demon trying to get you to do.” ZAM: “kill everyone” BACON: “oooohhh. Oh I like that. Okay okay” ` 

Then there’s the fated Bacon stream 

2:39:00 bacon and planet meme around about the build battle rules and Zam snaps, “if you want to be a bitch about it you don’t have to fucking play, goddamm. Dumbass fucking planetlord and baconnwaffles. I hate both of you. Fuck you guys. I’m going back into the house… i’m going into my closet” 

They clean up spawn a bit, he comes back out swinging at them. Then goes on top of the lighthouse and starts shooting them from a distance. 

Planet takes off all his armor and pops like a grape.

Then on Spep’s stream he stalks Spep around to the End islands, generally just looks really threatening. Says he won’t remember this when he wakes up, but Spep will. 

7/15/24 

~14:00 ZAM: “[strained] dude, pangi I killed planet” PANGI: “[strained too]I know. Hey, it wasn’t your fault” ZAM: “i shouldn’t have even had a bow” 

He builds the tree and writes his first oath 

In the first draft he wrote “I cannot do anything that goes against the interest of the entire server”

he changed “entire server” to “majority of players” to “most players” 

And changed “attack any player” because chat went crazy about him not being able to punch anyone, to “kill any other players” 

7/18/24 

Flame and mapicc start fighting

22:40 ZAM: “dude I did give mapicc a heads up there, I can’t lie. [realizing] I’ve been playing all sides, I can’t lie. This is interesting. I’m just chummy with everyone, I dunno, i don't do it intentionally. I do it a little intentionally, i can’t lie, but not like, intentionally”

33:20 ZAM: “I really don’t like the idea of playing both sides, but like, like- I’m trying my hardest not to, [...] Like if you shove 100 dollars in my face like I’m probably gonna take it right? Like like [giggling], it’s just like, ugh, it’s so stupid [laughing] i don’t like this. I don't know, I’m opportunist I guess. I’m just an opportunist I guess because I'm pacifist and I don't wanna die." So. But like also I really just don’t like the idea of being someone who plays both sides, it’s so awkward” while watching the fight from a distance. "

7/20/24 

From 2:43:00 to 3:15:00 hops between group chats and instinctively gets information and relays it to everyone else. Actually just leaks every word he hears lol. 

4:51:10 “imagine flame goes on a killing spree just so he can pay you to make more builds lol’ (citrus) dude. Is the blood on my hands then? That’s something I was wondering, what if this becomes bad. To where they’re like murdering people just for the sake of like, whats it called, paying me. ‘Yes you're evil then’ (sin) aw shit. It’s my fault. I mean I guess it depends on how bad it gets. I felt really bad when they killed jepex for me. I can’t lie, in the moment I thought it was really funny but looking back, it’s literally the same as like. Like I think me asking them to kill someone is the same as me killing them myself, it lowkey does not matter. So I’m lowkey like having another moral dilemma right there, on that one. ”

“I’m gonna stop asking people to fucking kill people for me that’s stupid, i don’t want to do that anymore”

This is so interesting, because day 1 he just wanted the statistic, and it was okay for him to do traps or gaslight people and all that. Then it was no traps, no violence. Then it was it’s okay to influence the opinions of people who already want to kill the people I want dead. Now it’s like, even that is not okay.

7/21/24 building Flame’s volcano in one day

45:00 [unprompted] “do you know something I was thinking of, which like, i just feel like it would be so easy to turn like, any tree, at spawn, into a trap. It would be so easy right? [...] I’m not gonna do it! Just like a fun idea. [..] [starts making the trap] but then it would make it real. I shouldn’t do this actually. I- i shouldn’t do this. This isn’t a good idea. Nevermind. Nevermind. [rubs face] Ooh my god, back to building back to building. I’m building I’m just building. [puffs out breath] I’m just building. I’m building a castle. I’m not why would I - why would i even make a [giggles] why did I even do that in the first place.” 

2:43:00 breaking the bedrock of the end fountain to make a concrete duper “i feel really good at this. Like too good at this. It’s just holding down q, it’s not that special. But fuck. ‘It’s in your blood’ I don't want to be the guy that left behind, that broke all that bedrock, you know? I don’t want that to be my legacy, I don't want that to be my reputation. I don’t want that to be what I leave behind. Aw geeze. [breaks last bedrock] oh my god. [frustrated] That was effortless”

7:31:30 “‘it’s ok you can blame all your blunders on the demon’ (seri) [lore] what if there was no demon. [not lore] new headcanon. Just me trying to justify my acts. [soft giggle] waittt.. [pause] thank goodness the demon is real, so. the demon is real. Only i can see him” 

8:23:00 crashout over not being “able” to defend himself.  “‘its okay zam we saw how you are at the end of every single season’ (citrus) yea, you guys have. The deep darkness that’s within me, [giggle] ugh. ‘They’ll see… one day’ (mer) I don’t want them to see, no, that’s the thing, i don’t want them to see. [..] It’s just like, like I Could fight, it’s just such a hassle, to like, get into it, and then not, you know. Cause like, okay, okay, here here, let’s envision it, lets say I do want to fight people, right? theoretically, but, I don’t want to let out the evil evil darkness that’s within me, right? How the hell am I gonna do that when I’m constantly taking fights, constantly losing, constantly getting overly attached, overly invested in conflict, like how am i gonna, how am I gonna contain the demon within, if I, what’s it called, if I, if I’m constantly getting myself into fights? You know? ‘Getting good’ (chips) no but like I’m being dead serious, like cause, what’s it called, eventually they’re gonna hit me in a way that is gonna make me want to go full force, there’s no point in trying to fight if I’m not gonna go 100% all in, you know? So. I dunno. Maybe if I get better at my self control and discipline” 

So there’s two things. One, “it’s a hassle” is classic burnout. And you just have to wait for burnout to leave. And two, he is very self aware that someone will do something that will make him get invested. But he won’t flip that switch until that happens because there is no point. Which is very valid and wise. 

It’s such an interesting conversation, because it’s the first time he hasn’t made breaking his oath into a silly lore moment. It’s really settling into being a real part of him. He’s being honest about what fighting would actually do.

10:36:00 talks to jumper about his pacifism and their parallels. He tells her about how he knows he’ll get too invested and he wont want to hold back. As opposed to being unable. 

7/24/24 

53:10 Zam goes to the trial chambers again “dude wait these slimes have strength, are they gonna kill me? Dude I wanted to feel something but now I’m just not feeling anything actually. I was, I was, I was expecting more of a challenge”

7/25/24 day 1 peace trials

16:30 “do you think SB737 is going to kill me if he finds me? His layer’s off, I think he ran away from spawn after that one. I could see him trying though. I’ve lowkey, dude, lowkey i've been wishing someone would kill me, unfortunately I did starve to death, so now I don’t wish someone would kill me anymore. But like, it’s just been sooo peaceful, building these past few days you know? Like i haven’t ran into any kind of metal peril in soooo long like that’s crazy you know. It’s been a hot minute.”

First time he talks about wanting to be chased. 

37:00 annoyed about SB butting him in D teir for how easy he would be killed.  “‘zam is the most aggressive pacifist’ yea! Cause I mean how else am I supposed to let my anger out other than with my words. I still have emotions. They're still there” 

7/29/24 

1:07:24 still ignoring Bacon “If I’m gonna be a pacifist and not kill people, I should be able to hold a grudge somehow” “my only fighting method” 

Plotting the shift in zam’s mindset is like making a color spectrum and it’s just ever so slightly gradient-ed and before you know it it’s just all red.

8/17/24 

58:00  MANE: “but think about how many hearts I’ve given you before Zam”  ASH: “WAIT. ZAm is accepting hearts from people That Kill? That’s not very peaceful of you zam. That goes against your oath. You’re just accepting heart that has, that puts blood on your hands. I’m not even joking about this” ZAM: “I-, I don’t. I don’t think it does.” ASH: “You’re benefiting from the spoils of the death that you claim to be so against”  Zam jumps away from the conversation at the same time. nervously? 

ZAM: “[calmly] if kills have already happened what am I supposed to do to stop it. I only care about myself not killing people” [parkouring over to the roof of the house] ASH: “You literally” ZAM: “not other people. The server can do whatever the fuck it wants. I don’t care” PANGI” aaahhhhh” ASH: “That’s the most. That’s the most selfish view” 

ZAM: “I learned from you! The best side to play is all sides, right? That’s what you said [...] hypocrytical as fuck” ASH: “I mean, I’m not claiming to be any good person, I’m just saying your whole oath and code of honor is” ZAM: “I’m not either. I’m trying to be a good person but, hey” PANGI: “You’re doing a really bad job I can tell you that, Zam” ZAM: “yea. [swings around to look at pangi] coming from you is crazy” 

1:03:00 “‘you’ve only done build commissions for incredibly violent people huh’ (arch) that is something to consider huh, am I [sharp breath in] let me put on the lore music hold on. Am I. and I, I don’t think I’m the worst person to- okay. No. you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because there are worse people on this server. So I’m not that bad by comparison [...] You know I’m doing better than I did last season [...] So I’m okay. I’m happy with my choices I feel like. I dunno. I mean like gaining, gaining hearts is not the worst thing in the world, it’s kind of like the point of the server is it not? I dunno. Hmmm ‘i mean violent people are the ones who have the hearts’ (citrus) exactly! Yea, my only, the only people I CAN do business with is the violent people”

“But by taking hearts from them am I not encouraging them to kill more? Yea, that’s something to consider as well, you know? Cause, but it’s like. Ugggghhh let me read through the oath again. ‘Are they killing other violent people or innocents’ (arch) that’s true! I mean. They kill innocents when they feel like killing innocents it depends on the person i’m dealing with. [...]  I can’t control what other people do. It’s not selfish [heavy emphasis. Meaning ashsawg’s comment] it’s just like, me controlling what I can control. You can only control, you should only worry about what you can control, and what I can control is limiting myself.”

“I mean shit. What do I even want these hearts for” 

“‘you got one kill’ ‘you killed planet’ okay okay okay you killed planet okay. I hate how many people are talking about that. [..]  ‘YOU CANNOT DENY IT ZAM’ yes I fucking can! Yes I fucking can! Because I shot at him as a fucking like bit, because was obviously never to kill him, and he took off all his fucking armor. I’ve been over it! I have been over it like a million times it’s insane! I gave back the heart too like what. [opens statistics] Like it doesn’t even count. [closes statistics] It does not count. ‘You’re still killing’ [mocking] you're still killing. Okay actual like bot opinion. Bot take. Actual bot take is what this is. Insane. Like actually insane. The fact that people are still on this is craaaazy like actually crazy. ‘PANGI HASN’T’ oohhhh that’s what this is about. That’s what this is about. That’s what this is about, it’s about pangi, and and pangi being better than me okay.” 

“That’s what this is about. It means nothing to me. Means nothing to me. I don’t care. PANGI LITERALLY- okay. Okay. okay. Okay. okay. Okay. okay. Okay. [giggle laugh] pangi is a pacifist because he wants to be. But that’s like. Dude, woogie 1 for 1 took my thing. Dude, it’s crazy how many people are pacifist why did everyone like take my thing I mean like the whole point is proof of concept is prove that it’s possible, right, but like heh heh. It’s also lame that other people are taking my thing. [more deranged leaning giggles] ‘everybody wants to be princezam.’ (mer) oh my god. “

8/19/24 

~1:11:00 found Mapicc in his base. MAPICC: “and i just like, when are you gonna kill people” ZAM: “pppffff [mocking/flabberghasted] ‘when are you going to kill people?’ [reduced to laughter] MAPCIC: ”mmhmm” ZAM: “I’m not!” MAPICC: “see that's so weird.” [...] ZAM: “you start critting me out I don’t fight back” MAPICC: “actually?” ZAM: “no like genuinely, yea” MPAICC: “wait. Okay [pots up and takes all armor off but helmet and boots]” 

1:34:00 “a little terrifying i can’t lie. it’s weird. I feel like after an encounter like that I’d have a teammate to go talk to about this. But there really isn't anyone like that this time around”

8/22/24 

3:30 about the mapicc infestation “It was a very interesting fight. Honestly one of my favorite fights of the season” 

19:40 “ohh ‘kaboodle the pacifist’ (evi4) Wait kaboodle the pacifist? Are we fucking serious. Yo. okay. Okay.  i’m not even going to say nothing bro. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m not. I’m not even [starting to laugh]  going to say nothing, bro [deep breath in and out] how come the one season. Like the one season, that i do it and it’s like interesting, everyone else decides to do it. In season 4 no one copied subz. Everyone made fun of him. But now, but now i do it and everyone wants to fucking be me okay. Okay. no okay. No okay. No like. Bro. [so sad] [...] ‘Everyone is just scared of the big pvp-ers’ (arch) that’s true. It’s not even. It’s not even like me. Oh my god. It’s not even because i’m cool. No it’s not even because of me, it’s just they don’t want to get killed”

27:00 kab asks if she can talk to zam and get advice “oh bet. Oh i love giving advice to my fellow pacifists. My favorite thing to do ever” /sarcastic

31:40 Woogie drops in “Zam is amazing at making people peaceful”

34:00 “if your goal is pacifism, then yea, he’s passing, but if your goal is to not get murdered by people then you probably shouldn’t be destroying other people’s builds, you know. That’s how you start wars” about pangi’s pacifism. 

Which is ALSO interesting. Because zam cares about not starting wars because he doesn't want to get emotionally pulled into a fight.

ZAM: “its like i’m in a skit. And like, as soon as i start questioning one character, and another character comes out and is like “ooh i’m also a remake of you!” what the fuck is happening” 

“You know what’s keeping me going is that i’ll probably outlast them” 

42:40 “is this a bad thing? Am i bad for not wanting them to be a, [laugh] to be peaceful like me? Is that a bad thing? I mean like, i feel like, uhg. But it’s like, they- [sharp breath in] what is- what have THEY gone through? To want this change” 

“Like kaboodle is doing it to save her skin. Woogie is doing it to save his skin, like. It’s very different i feel like. It’s just very different. I [whispers] oh  my god. [spins around] what did. What do they know! What do they know. Oh my god. Fuck damn. I think that’s why i’m upset. It’s not that like, [long pause] bruh.” 

“How can i rise about the rest. That's what i want to do now. That’s what I wanna do now. I want to rise above the rest. That’s what i’m thinking about right now, i’ll be honest. How do I [sharp breath in] [blows air out] like. This is-. [grumble] this is stupid. This is dumb. I shouldn't even think about this. You know what this is dumb."

48:00 “it’s not like a fun thing to do. Like. I- being a pacifist has been like, it’s it’s had its moments i guess. I dunno though. Definitely, i’ll admit it, not the most.. fun. But uh. Thats. that’s besides the point. That’s okay. That’s.. that’s fine [deep breath in and out]” 

“‘being a pacifist isn't for everyone, you have to truly believe in the rules and know your own limits so you can be pacifist’ (hexlarry) but like that’s the thing, do i even like, fully believe in it? Cause now i’m starting to question myself. I mean I did it not so that i could save my own skin. I did it so that i could, i dunno, just avoid repeating prior mistakes. And things like that. Sooo. because getting myself into fights would probably lead me down a very very dark path and i don't want to [sharp breath] i don't wanna do all that so by avoiding conflict at all costs I, I can, what’s it called, hmmm [spins around] fuck [princezam distress noises] [...] ‘has something changed’ i dunno. I’d hope not”

“‘it feels like they’re mocking you a little’ (evu) a little bit! I guess so. That’s kind of true as well honestly. I dunno. Hmmm, it’s very. Very interesting. Very interesting turn of events. I dunno. It’s not that i feel like it’s my thing. I feel like everyone should be allowed to do it, it just feels like the way that they’re doing it kind of is like, i guess it is, i dunno. It’s a little bit like.. Hmm yea ‘it’s an easy way out to them’ (arch) to them, to them it doesn't have any of the same significance it does to me. They're doing it because they want to live longer, they want to hold onto their hearts longer, i’m doing it because I like- i essentially need to- ugh. I dunno. I’m doing it- hrmmm. No, i’m doing it because… Because i want to. Because I want to. I want to. It’s my decision. I want to do it. I dunno [jumps around thinking for a while]” 

The last part is said in the same tone he used during the Abyss arc when his team wasn't logging on to help him.

“It’s not about what other people have done though. It’s about me upholding an oath i guess. Me.. avoiding [giggle] repeating mistakes and stuff. Umm. i dunno ‘it’s a conflict with myself’ (mer) exactly. It’s entirely. Entirely within me. And that was a situation that, admittedly, I had control over. I could have just not shot my bow at him. It’s a lesson learned i guess. But. I dunno. I- I just hate it. I hate it so much because that was not meant to happen at all. Like. it’s ridiculous. Its just ridiculous i feel like. I dunno. ‘Bro is still talking about this’ yea because I care about it.”

8/23/24

5:38:00  WEMMBU: “you’re profiting off the economy of people being murdered” ZAM: “I don’t know if that’s true at all even. That’s just. [trying to talk while wemmbu is talking over him] Anyone who lives on this server is profiting off the economy bro. I don't know what you’re talking about. [...] That that’s like breathing air on this server is benefitting form the economy bro” WEMMBU: “and you’re the one that’s saying you’re and innocent soul bruh” ZAM: “i’m, somewhat innocent. I’m innocent to the point where I won’t lure someone to spawn so you guys can kill them. That's how innocent I am” WEMMBU: “wah wahh wah” 

And he leaves the group

ZAM: “Get me the fuck out of here. I simply participate in society. All i do is live and breathe air and try to live an honest to god living.”

~5:51:00 “‘Oh so you agree you’d be responsible in that scenario’ (arch) yea! If he’s going out of his way to kill people For That [the build he wanted to commission], like to pay For That, I feel like yea, I feel like then I’m definitely responsible. [...] But mane, flame, mapicc, they already have the hearts, I know they withdrew them from their hotbar, they did in front of me, it did the sound. So, yea. And flame just had a heart bank that he went and grabbed. So. yea no, those hearts were already acquired. They were, like, those kills happened, it’s over. It’s good.” 

8/24/24

2:13:00 “that was interesting. What a day. I almost hopped into a fight. Probably wont do it again, that was a one time offer. But. i dunno. I was willing to die for a cause. I wasn’t going to hit him.” 

“Maybe i faltered. Did I falter? By willing to fight? I wouldn’t hit him. I don’t think. Maybe I’d hit him. I don’t- [scoff] would it be fine as long as i don't kill him?” “it’s my rules” 

“Yea mapicc did get really excited when i mentioned pvp. That was really interesting. That was cool. I do have no critting yea. Hmmm. i dunno. I did just want to support my friend flame ‘you're just helping out a friend i think thats in the servers best interests’ (arch) that’s true. Yea. if i, i dunno, cause like the main goal is to just work in the server’s best interests. And i guess in that situation that, specific, little situation, fighting flame was actually in everyone, everyone who’s online’s best interests. Ironically. So yea. Despite it normally being the wrong answer, violence was kind of the answer to fixing that problem there. ” 

2:18:00  “I’m worried though. Like I feel like the lack of violence encourages me to like, i dunno” 

“I think people should be more violent, i think that’s fair, that’s what this server is about. I haven't changed my stance on that, the server is about killing people. It’s not about [giggle] the atrocities I’ve committed, that’s for sure” 

“‘That’s not very pacifist I mean’ like that’s whatever, it’s princezam then. It doesn’t matter. Pacifist is just the moniker I chose, but if it’s not fitting it’s not fitting. I’m doing whatever I believe” 

“‘the blowing up builds and killing weaklings was your more problem. not your violence inherently’ (arch) exactly. And unfortunately I feel like with any sort of violence [tsht] unfortunately all paths lead to that road. You know? Everything will just eventually get me there. I think it’s better to swear it off, you know. It’s just, It’s just for the better”

Flame blows up spawn.

2:52:00 “And my heart count too. I was trying to get to 20 but like - what does that even do, what is that even good for, if i can't do anythin- if i’m powerless to stuff like this, if i’m powerless to this. This. Like what’s the point, even like what’s-... I feel like everything I’ve done is just like actually completely futile now. Like, none of it matters. NONE of it matters, not even a little, if other people are just going to take up the mantle. What like, what’s the POINT?... I don't get it. I mean holding out, not giving in, despite all of this, would prove me as a way stronger player than him, but WHAT GOOD DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH. SO WHAT?! Like, he’s just going to do this again, like why does it matter? Why does it even matter? What the- what does moral highground get me? What does moral high ground even get me. Why did i think this was even a good idea even a little bit, [so loud] OH MY GOD. [pause] ‘It doesn't even mean anything to anyone but me’ (arch) exactly. This. oh my god. It’s not just to myself though (arch) it’s ahhh Fuck. It’s supposed to make up for everything I did- For just everything I did in general really. That’s what it’s supposed to be, but, like ah, does anyone care really? Does anyone care? Other than me? At this point I don't think so. There’s bigger problems. ‘Spawn looked the best this season’ it did. It really did. It really really did. It really did. [tabs out for a long time, just silent] i can't’ believe this. I can’t believe this. [sigh] oh my god. [leaning head back] Dude. and like. Oh my god. Yea no one is going to do anything that’s true. The fact of the matter is [laughing as talking] no one is going to do anything about this. Because no one cares. And that’s what he’s going to realize. [...] That’s all fine to me, it doesn't matter. It doesn’t matter. This is definitely the furthest I’ve wavered, on this path of mine. Dear god. [blows out breath] and i was the only one here to do anything about it oh my god [silence] ‘they did call me ground zero’ [puts head in hands while reading it] is it my fault? Is it my- wait you’re right. [breathing heavily] it kind of in a, in a weird, fucked up twisted way, it kind of is my fault. Because my stupid pacifism stuff it it spiraled out of control and got to woogie, got to pangi, it’s it’s like [grrr grumble] (all of chat is screaming that it isn't his fault.) I, oh my god. Oh my god. Dude like. I actually feel so dumb. I feel like I’ve wasted the past month or two. I’ve actually just feel like I’ve been wasting my time. Like, like none of that matters. Actually none of that matters, I feel like, anymore. And like, because I did all that, everyone else copied me. Everyone copied me, they were right! No, they were right. That’s the messed up part of this, is that they’re Right. And that they probably will get a fight out of this, that’s the Fucked up part of this” 

3:04:00 “If I fight them I give them exactly what they want. It’s so fucked up. There’s no, there's no winning option here. There’s nothing I can do to win” 

Realizes he can just rebuild. Rejuvenated in one second flat. 

“Do I just keep rebuilding it over and over? [...]  But I don’t care! I’m not giving up. I don't care, I don't care!” “this is literally what I do. What am I tripping for? This is literally what I do”

3:35:30 “I feel like most people would not have the mental fortitude to experience what I just experienced and then Not Fight. Like that is an absurd thing to do. But it’s a me thing to do. So” 

3:37:00 “i know i don't have all of my screws together, but i definitely, i think i could win a battle of mental fortitude if I wanted”

Talks to everyone and forms Gaia’s Hand

5:46:00 wrapping up stream along “dude I know like, i’m real confident and real happy and shit, but I , I am terrified. I am terrified [stares into a big cave thinking] i dunno. I'm not gonna second guess myself but. It’s just- it’s a scary battle. It’s a very scary battle. I dunno”

“Mean, I’m not alone. That's true. That definitely helps [...] I feel like the last time I spent a lot of time repairing spawn it didn't end too well. Lowkey that’s when everything went horribly wrong, actually. i feel like it’s just been downhill since there.”

“I am doing this to spite flame, but at the same time the thing I care about the most is just having the server where spawn can't just get destroyed. I dunno. That’s what I care about the most”

5:53:40 “‘you and your attachments to spawn’ (seri) [wistful] it’s, it’s the heart of the server. It’s the heart of the server. And, i dunno, I can’t, i can’t help myself but protect it. In every way that I can. I dunno. It’s just in my nature. Which is ironic, considering the atrocities I’ve committed.” 

8/29/24

44:30 “support the people trying to ban them and the builds won’t get destroyed anymore’ (chips) that’s true. But do the ends justify the means? Like sure I will get spawn builds being safe, but I’m, I also am taking some part in someone getting banned off the server. which, i dunno. I feel like i don't want to be a part of” 

45:00 “Is it for the greater good, or it for my greater good. It has to be objective, it can’t be a skewed biased point of view” 

1:05:20 “i can only control myself, and only the small few who have joined me” “kaboodle and woogie” “Ironically they’re truly the only ones who are part of gaia’s hand”

Week long break for MMCR

9/9/24

11:40 ZAM: “I’ve kind of realigned my look on the server [...] Everyone’s goal goes back to, like, killing. So I feel like if I help anyone I’m like sort of contributing to the violence on the server, which is something I- which I can’t prevent obviously but it’s not also something I’d like to contribute to. The whole point is I don't want to contribute to violence and you know, kill people I guess. I dunno” 

How far princezam has come. It was never about actual pacifism… except now it is. He truly is a pacifist now. He used to be a bad pacifist and now he’s just a pacifist for real. How interesting. 

19:00 “That’s just the spite and hatred in my heart. I’m full of hatred recently, that’s something i’ve noticed as well. Definitely something i’ve noticed” 

44:00 “I feel like nothing accomplishes anything. I feel like anything I would do would just make things worse. I dunno. Maybe that’s just me though. Maybe that's just me and the way I feel. I dunno” 

“I just want to win. You know? But how do I go about that even? There’s nothing to win against."

~1:27:00 “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” “interesting phrase considering the circumstance I’m in. [...] yea i mean violence is good to those who love it. I’m just unfortunately not one of those people. At least at the moment. [pause] Well I wouldn't say at the moment actually. I would say I’m not one of those people. For sure. Used to be. Not anymore.” 

1:53:00  “when i think of goals, the first thing that comes to mind is like, laying in a field of flowers. That’s what I want to do. That’s what I want to do. I dunno”

9/11/24

~40:00 “it makes me question what my path is, cause i’m not, i’m not i’m not i’m not  i’m not a killer or anything at least i don't want to kill anyone, i don't want to be doing that. Soo where does that leave me?  What am I gonna do, what am I princezam gonna do.” 

[thatoneluckybee]

Okay, so lemme ramble about the Wild Hunt for a sec, given the new episode, because I am certain there is/will be symbolism at play

Essentially, the Wild Hunt is this germanic (though there's many similar ones around the world) myth. It's this horde of spirits/ghosts that travels through the night on an eternal hunt. Crossing their path is generally seen as a big no-no and a good way to become part of the horde of hallowed dead stuck in the eternal hunt. The same goes for copying their sounds of howling wind (and sometimes barking dogs). However, either of these can be rewarded (usually with something that seems worthless and usually turns out to be gold)

Now, for that sweet symbolism. First of all, the Wild Hunt usually consisted of the hallowed dead. They didn't get to pass onto the afterlife, instead bring swept up by the hunt. In the story this more than likely is replaced by those floating eyeball thingies - the souls of those who got stuck in this world before the afterlife

What I'm more curious/concerned about though is who leads it. It's most certainly someone's Phantom, given the little card with abilities. But who could it be? Let's use some clues from both the episode and the myth

First, the episode. There's 3 main things to consider here. 1) this phantom was outside the gate (and thus also unlikely to be a dean or student). 2) your phantom has to do with how you die (this also ties in with the myths). 3) looking at it's abilities, it has something called 'overclock', and while this could be some sort of rage mode, I think it'd make more sense if it means that this Phantom form can stay up either for a long-ass time, or straight up indefinitely

Now, for the myths. The figure who leads the Hunt actually changes a lot depending on the specific telling, and it's been both men and woman. A largely common factor though is that they get stuck in the Hunt after exclaiming their love for hunting, and something along the lines of wishing they could do it forever (potentially specifically instead of an actual afterlife). Given the thing I said before, I think it's a fairly safe bet the person who's Phantom it is died hunting, or at the very least pursuing something

The person who leads the hunt also seems to be searching for Lenore specifically, which is interesting to me. The Wild Hunt generally hunts animals, not people. So I propose 2 possibilities:

1, mythological: The Wild Hunt, like I said, should generally not be interacted with according to most myths. A possibility is that Lenore or on of her predecessors did do that in some way, shape, or form. Maybe in the real world, but Phantoms can't really be there I think? Maybe someone else like her brother or parent were also in this between dimension and messed with it, though I don't believe that's how it generally works. But maybe that thing at the start of the story, where they got noticed by those monsters, was actually them getting noticed by the Hunt, which is why it's now after her (and likely Annabel too in that case)

2, relationship driven: Essentially, my other idea is that the Phantom that is the Hunt is going after Lenore specifically because of who she is. Maybe her father died or something? But in that case I think her brother is way more likely. Think about it, Theo was first looking for (pursuing?) Lenore. The tree got knocked down by lightning (one of the Phantom's abilities). And he was riding his horse when he was killed. Just saying, it could be possible

Also, interestingly enough, both Lenore and Annabel have a certain degree of connection to the Night Hunt? Lenore has already denounced the 'natural' way passing onto the afterlife is supposed to go in favour of having herself and all her friends coming back to life, somewhat reminiscend of the leaders of the hunt commonly rejecting the afterlife in favour of their hunt. And the woman that led the Hunt in some stories likely all stem from the same figure, the supposed Old Mother Frost (and what, if I may ask you, is Annabel's ability?)

No matter who it is though, I'm hoping they touch on that idea of someone who crosses the Wild Hunt (and shows cleverness/boldness) sometimes gets rewarded. And while is generally looks useless at first, it often turns out to be valuable. Who knows, this endeavor just might be the key to escaping...

...well, that or I'm looking way too deep into it and the writer just chose the Wild Hunt because it looks/sounds cool and vaguely fitting of spirits of the night coming to get you. I mean, most thing I just said are honestly closest to incoherent rambling with vague connections, but who knows...

This is nevermore, you’re NEVER looking too deep into it

IM MAIN TAGGING THIS THIS IS AMAZING

I think it could be Theo? We know SOMETHING happened to him as he was at the top of his class. Was he reincarnated? I doubt it. Theo is also connected with deer and hunting. Would also explain why the Wild Hunt (which Lenore thinks is her curse) seems to be targeting her and her family.

[corvid-blues]

YOOO EPIC THE MUSICAL x LIFE SERIES AU THINGGG

this post is made specifically for @patches4thechaos no one else (/j)

It’s kind of (???) like a masterpost of this AU, but like badly structured and I haven’t made good reference sheets just some color palettes next to some ok drawings I suppose (I am very much going to redraw them just not soon maybe idk) SO UH HERE ROLES AND WHY I PICKED THEM

Odysseus - Joel

Notes - Idk he was the only one I could safely use because he ACTUALLY HAS A WIFE. Also it’s fun to be different. Though using him as Zeus is also like really fitting. Oh well. You get all the trauma Joel.

Penelope - Lizzie

Notes - I’m sorry Lizzie you’re cool and badass but unfortunately you’re also Joel’s wife and Pen is Ody’s wife. I do like to dream you videotape him killing all the sutiors though.

Telemachus - Hermes 

Notes - I literally have no idea who this guy is except he’s vaguely bird-like from fandom perception and also Joel’s son. But he fits the son role pretty well from what I see. (He’s in Empires btw)

Eurylochus - Martyn

Notes - Bro needs more main roles- Like he’s the least popular Life Series winner (which isn’t a low bar all of them are like super popular) but honestly I made Ren Polities and was like “Welp the only only valid option for Eurylochus is Martyn” and rolled with it.

Polities - Ren

Notes - Ren is a happy-go-lucky joyous boy and I think more people need to recognize that like bro is walking through life confused af but dam happy about it I’ll tell you. Everyone is like “Red King angst angst angst” like he has no idea what’s going on at all times.

Polyphemus - Bdubs

Bdubs is the only viable option for Polyphemus like animal-obsessed and murderous? Who else? Also he has a giant horse demon.

Aeolus - Skizz

Notes - He seems the popular choice, and his goofy demeanor and angelic fandom traits really show why. I have a really vivid mental image of his giant angelic form flapping its wings and pushing the ships with giant gusts of wind. It’s my second favorite moment in all of this.

Circe - Gem

Notes - Actually, I can’t take credit for this one, I saw someone with a different EPIC AU who put her as Circe and using skulk instead of seduction in There Are Other Ways and I was like “GENIUS” and stole it. She fits pretty well.

Hermes - Scar

No other viable option. Especially the fandom meme of Hermes selling drugs to Odysseus, seems like something Scar would do. Also the fun beat and Hermes’s other song “Dangerous” is definitely his vibe like seriously.

Tiresias - Grian

Notes - I have so much unnecessary angsty lore that has nothing to do with actual Tiresias like he was barely twenty when he died but grew up in the underworld, he was forced into being a preist to the Secret Keeper (watcher robes and stuff) and is familiar with a lot of the gods because he’s a prophet. I also have a bunch of desert duo shit (obviously). 

Siren - BigB

Notes - Honestly an arbitrary choice, but my main inspiration was Double Life and how he “pretended” to be Grian’s soulmate. Like, this is a completely different situation but like same concept. Ha you fuck up big time B.

Scylla - Pearl

Notes - Look the giant serpent heads are Pearl’s wolf pack Joel’s head is illuminated but the blood moon reflected in the water before they dock and walk through a dark cave and like his face is bathed in the blood of the moon and in the end the blood of his comrades THE SYMBOLISM. The “drown in your sorrow and tears” LIKE DOUBLE LIFE YALL I CANT.

Antinous - idk honestly

Notes - HE’S EVIL AND A JERK IDK

Calypso - Iskall

Notes - Yoooo our one of our only non-lifers- I guess he doesn’t really count for a Life Series AU but like he was too perfect Calypso being like “Noooo why are you breaking up with me” and Odysseus being like “WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER” real Iskall and Joel coded relationship.

Zeus - The Secret Keeper 

Notes - The only problem with this one is Thunder Bringer because he seems a lot more like just a guy there (an all powerful jerk guy but that’s besides the point) and less like an omnipotent divine deity which is what I was going for with the Secret Keeper in the Horse and the Infant and God Games.

Athena - Cleo

Notes - I saw her sometimes depicted with snake hair like Medusa and ya know Athena turned Medusa into a gorgon so I thought “Hey what if Cleo was Athena and her hair turned into snakes when she’s angry” like in My Goodbye and the “hold your tongue” scene in God Games. I gave her dreads so it’s a smoother transition.

Poseidon - Etho

Notes - Another arbitrary choice! I must blame this on my Ethubs brain like this AU is actually mostly based on Last Life (or at least the relationships) so like red life Bdubs being almost killed by Joel would really piss him off. But also in Limited Life Bdubs is technically Etho’s son so you could take it as that. (Sorry Boat Boys shippers I actually really considered putting him as Calypso)

Apollo - Jimmy

Notes - Now we’re getting into the really arbitrary choices. This was mostly a color match, and Jimmy seems like the kind of guy to own a bunch of cows and throw a hissy fit when one of them is killed. 

Hephaestus - Tango

Notes - Actually, I had Tango for Hephaestus in my head for a while. Idk he just has inventor vibes that would very obviously be angry at Joel’s basically sacrifice of his entire crew.

Aphrodite - Scott

Notes - This was mostly an excuse so I could put Scott in like flowy beautiful clothing also he seems like the kind of guy to be the god of love like bro is very gay.

Ares - Impluse

Notes - I… have no good reasoning for this. Impulse in my head is actually one of the chillest of all the Lifers but he seems like he could get very scary if he was ever actually angry.

Hera - Mumbo

Notes - And here we are, the winner of all the arbitrary choices I made for this AU. Man. Idk he had that one hipster outfit and Hera gives off very 80’s hipster vibes. Maybe that’s what he’ll wear. Huh. This only came to mind like now

This was all supposed to be meant for just me so if it’s confusing then uh sorry

Bam the ok references I have you didn’t expect me to have every character did you naw I’m too lazy for that

Don’t mind the terribly scribbled notes on any of them either pfft um

a couple doodles (Scar cameo lol) (click for full image on the second one)

Looking back on it I made those references MONTHS ago Ren’s cape looks so goofy

Less of a Life Series AU and more of a Hermit-Life-Empires AU um IM STILL CALLING AND TAGGING IT EPIC THE MUSICAL x LIFE SERIES THO

And I swear if you make any fanart tag me or I will hunt you down (/lh) (Probably not gonna be fanart but JUST IN CASE)

[the-sky-the-stars-the-sea]

Day Three of the Ultimate Dragon Prince Rewatch! 🙌🙌

Season three rewatch!

Kinda lowkey head empty but here goes

Rayla turning back to Callum when she’s telling Sol Regem about all the great things about Callum. Like. She didn’t have to do that. She’s supposed to be trying to convince Sol Regem. But also we know Callum is someone who doesn’t always see his worth. And so she’s saying it to his face, which both refutes his claims of not being valuable, and shows that she can say all those things to his face. Which,, it’s not always easy to say something to someone’s face like that. And she did it with a smile on her face and refused to let him get eaten by Sol Regem. Queen 🙌

Amaya and Gren reunite >>>>>>>>>>>

I love how every scene in ep 2 of Callum and Rayla is just the fluffiest thing how they’re exploring Xadia while literally everyone else is having a bad time

Adoraburrs my belovedddddd

Season Three Episode Three more like OUUUCH WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT TO MY HEARTTTTT

So on one hand the flashback of Runaan and Ethari always gets me and cuts me to the core, but today it stung a little less, I’m guessing it’s because I know what happens in season six (I say I’m calm now but I think the second season six releases I’m going to be running around in circles screaming until they reunite)

It’s also not easy for me to watch Soren and Claudia meet Viren in the dungeon. And it’s just. You can see the exact moment that Claudia is sure that her dad did in fact send Soren to kill the princes. Claudia tells him that Soren almost died and Viren YELLS and stretches to the end of the chain, telling them that that it doesn’t matter. And in that moment Claudia can tell that something isn’t right. And although she doesn’t want it to be true, she trusts her brother and her instincts. Unfortunately, Aaravos tells Viren to lie, and so he does. He gaslights Soren to the point it wretches my heart. And Claudia…Claudia does believe Soren. She believes he’s not crazy. But…she still looks up to her father too much. And here he is telling her that he did not send Soren to kill the princes. And so the denial in her goes quiet.

“If my interpretation is correct, which it is,” Kazi you wonderful ruler you 🙌

Janai is all “ugh, you annoy me, human” until her sister threatens to dispose of her, then it’s all “this human is different” and helps that human survive looking into the Light…okay Janai I get it you won’t say you’re in love, no biggie

Man I still don’t agree with all of Nyx’s choices but she is fun to watch

I love the boomerang reference, so for most of the years I’ve watched this show I didn’t watch Avatar, and now that I have seen it I burst out laughing when I heard Jack de Sena in this episode say “boomerang?”

Once again we get the picture that Rayla hasn’t really been allowed to show weakness or vulnerability. But she breaks, and Callum isn’t backing away. And he’s actually not pitying her. He literally tells her to “shut up” and that’s what catches her attention because this hasn’t been his approach so far. And then, just like she did for him, he tells her how amazing she is. And her little laugh when he says that she’s the funniest person he knows…I love it. So cute.

K so. Why is the kid being taken to a cell. Why is the most dangerous guy becoming king when he was just locked up for treason. Huh maybe fictional world kids show politics do mirror real life

YEAHHHH SORENNN HELP OPELLI AND CORVUS AND EZRANNNN

Soren and Callum are the worst liars, especially when guilty. “Of course we’re both here! Why wouldn’t we be?” meets “HORSES NEED HAY. I AM TAKING HAY TO THE HORSES.”

“Dear…Moon Lady” never gets old

Imagine being Ezran though and you meet up again with your brother and the girl you’ve known for like three weeks tops and you’ve left them alone for what can’t be more than five days, and now they’re romantically entangled

“Neolawwwndia.” “Uh, yeah, that’s what I said. NoOdleOodLiA! :D” THIS ALSO NEVER GETS OLD

Actually it’s really funny watching Kasif because he’s flanked by two AuDHD teens and maybe their dad is normal but oh wait he’s…talking to the little bug on his ear.

I love the scene where they’re at the base and Callum is talking through his feelings about seeing Avizandum. And how Zym and Ezran are playing in that area. Rayla talks about how Zym and Ezran going to change things. This is one of a few times where we are shown old wounds that are healing.

I think it’s really important that until now neither Soren or Claudia have seen Viren’s Dark Magic Face til Lux Aurea. Claudia audibly gasps when she sees Viren. It’s probably scary and confusing for her—just like what she was to Ezran last season. And yet she still goes Ezran saw the best in her, and so she’s doing the same with her dad. Soren though…Soren’s seeing the red flags.

So season 1-2 Viren was not afraid of saying that he was afraid/terrified…. But he has much more power now, and when Soren refused to accept the “gift” because he’s afraid, Viren snarls, commanding Soren to come forward. This isn’t the same man who said he was terrified. This is someone who feels unstoppable, someone who has always held his son to too high standards.

Soren leaves, Claudia notices. They’re splintering, but not quite unbreakable yet. But then he asks her to choose, again. She has to choose once again between her dad and someone what she loves. And you can hear it in her voice, she does not want to choose again. You can hear it still haunts her. And then he leaves, and she starts screaming, and my heart breaks 💔 because not only is it heart breaking to watch but also because it means they’ll no longer be on the same side 💔 (her mother told her last time that she needed to stay with Soren…. Things would have turned out much different if she chose to go with him again 😔)

It’s funny to me watching the scene where they’re climbing the storm spire because they’re out of breath and that’s how I am when I’m climbing anything. And they can’t take it, but it’s because their lungs can’t make it. And then they get a breathe spell and then they’re better. Anyways I had undiagnosed asthma until 2023 so this scene always spoke out to me.

Was thinking about Soren having facial hair as he’s riding to the storm spire. I interpret that detail as a demonstration of how he’s been going straight to the storm spire without stopping, but also it’s our first time seeing him with facial hair so I can’t help but think that’s supposed to show that he’s grown.

I love Soren’s speech in episode eight. You can see he’s struggling because what would you do if you just came to tend with your father being the villain? What would you do if you figured out you were manipulated by the person you looked up to the most?

“The only way to stop this is to look evil in the face and say no more.” AHHHHHHHHH THAT LINE WILL FOREVER GO SO HARDDDDD

Callum figuring out the truth about Rayla’s parents for her, freeing her from the burden she’s been carrying…ahhhhhhh my heart

Still one of the most epic battles in all media. Endgame has Iron Man sure, but do they have a baker who takes superhuman soldiers out with a rolling pin and some jelly tarts? I didn’t think so.

The Viren illusion was so cruel for Soren.

Hey. Hey Viren. You are threatening to trap a fifteen year old in a coin, as you are telling her you have others that way (including her parents). I mean you threatened a 9-10 year old like two days ago but like. In your quest to save humanity you have been becoming pretty inhumane yourself.

Rayla throwing herself and Viren off the cliff…we’ve seen this in her since season one. She’s always been willing to sacrifice herself for the dragon prince and the future of Xadia. And it always hits hard when you see her make the choice she knows she can’t come back from.

CALLUM MAGE WINGSSSSSS

“Just the four of us. Five of us.” “Just the five of you, huh?” Gahh I love it when everyone is working together

I actually got goosebumps all up and down my arms when Zubeia woke up and because of how happy she was seeing elves and humans working together to bring back her baby. Wholesome ending indeed <3

(Love when Amaya bumps Janai, looks at her reproachfully, Janai scoffs, but then they both smile the second they start holding hands)

Watching Viren in the cave always gives me war flashbacks to when I had to wait 2 1/2 years for the next season to come out.

All in all, love season three! As my friend likes to say, good soup.

[astrronomemes]

PERCY JACKSON AND THE BATTLE OF THE LABYRINTH: STARTERS

a collection of quotes, phrases, and sayings from the 2008 Rick Riordan novel, Percy Jackson and the Battle of the Labyrinth. change & alter as needed.

"I didn't get your full name last December when you tried to kill me."

"You don't know how hard it's been. For years, I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't tell anybody."

"Such a pretty little blade. What a shame it stands between us."

"Poor dear, you don't even know what's happening, do you?"

"You are in so much trouble! And you still owe me an explanation!"

"You're going to call me and explain, okay? You owe me that."

"Usually, she says hello by trying to kill me."

"Well, I had my doubts, but you clean up nicely, [name]. I'll remember that."

"You can blame my ADHD. I tend to just blurt things out."

"You will learn differently as you get older."

"Everyone stay alert, but stay calm. This has happened before."

"It's a good thing she finds cowards attractive."

"Come on. Let's worry about how we're going to stay alive."

"He had a crush on a blueberry bush once."

"Hey, your life's in mortal danger. Sleep tight!"

"Great idea! I'll get the dynamite!"

"Assuming you return to us in one piece, we shall discuss what to do next."

"You have to get better. Please."

"There's no way out, [name]. No way out."

"I'm breaking the rules. But I don't know what else to do."

"Don't worry about it. We've had plenty of problems before, and we solved them."

"He killed the water fountain last night."

"Sometimes, it is better to have someone you mistrust close to you, so that you can keep an eye on him."

"You're in charge now, my dear. All the decisions are on your shoulders. That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

"You will have to make your choice sooner or later. And the choice may kill you."

"One bad choice can ruin your whole life. It can kill you and all your friends. But no pressure, [name]."

"Usually, when gods come looking for you, it's not out of the goodness of their hearts. It's because they want something."

"Didn't you try to kill him, like, a lot of times?"

"Getting something and having the wits to use it... those are two different things."

"I have postponed your day of choice. I have not prevented it. Soon, as [name] said, you will have to make a decision."

"I have nothing to offer. I have lost everything."

"In case you haven't noticed, [name] believes in you. He risked his life for you."

"Get some rest, everybody. We'll keep going in the morning."

"You made a cute guinea pig."

"I'm sorry, [name]. I'm just stressed."

"Put that away, [name]. I ain't gonna have my guests killing each other."

"That man is wearing three shirts."

"You'd be surprised how many people will pay for a flesh-eating horse."

"[Name] likes to disappear when things get difficult."

"Don't do me any favors, [name]! I don't want your help!"

"I know who you are. And I know what you want. And the answer is no."

"Well, that's too bad! But it's not my problem."

"I hope the dead like root beer."

"You have nothing to apologize for, [name]. I made my own choice. I don't regret it."

"You're mad because I died and left you alone. I'm sorry for that, [name]. I truly am."

"You should not fear power, [name]. Use it."

"The world is dying, [name]. Every day it gets worse."

"Pass the test, and you get to advance! Fail, and I get to eat you!"

"Well, then, if I didn't smash you to a pulp the first time we met, I suppose I won't have to do it now."

"There'd better be a good reason you're disturbing me."

"Believe me, [name], you can't trust others. All you can trust is the work of your own hands."

"Try to stay alive, will you?"

"Splitting up is a really, really bad idea."

"Do you really want me to explain the exact details of how I was born?"

"Rest and heal. No harm will come to you here."

"As long as you're up, you can help me plant these."

"My friends need me. I know how to help them now. I have to get back."

"You are the single most annoying person I have ever met!"

"What's going on with you two? Have you been fighting?"

"Aren't your parents going to be worried if you're out late?"

"I could be gone a week and they'd never notice."

"You people are crazy."

"You shouldn't have spared me, [last name]. Mercy has no place in this war."

"[Name]'s not usually like this. I don't know what her problem is."

"Hey, I'm usually about to die. Don't feel bad."

"So you do this every summer? Fight monsters? Save the world? Don't you ever get to do, just, you know, normal stuff?"

"I regret what I did, [name]. I was angry and bitter. But I cannot take it back."

"Jumping out a window five hundred feet aboveground isn't usually my idea of fun."

"I didn't want you to die. I mean, just because, you know, you owe me too many favors. How am I going to collect if you die?"

"They must stop waiting for me to save them. I cannot."

"You have found me. And now you must release me."

"I know what you have seen today. I know your doubts. But I give you this news: when the time comes, you will not be ruled by fear."

"Your time is coming. You will play a great role, though it may not be the role you imagined."

"You are the strongest and the bravest. Your heart is true."

"You have believed in me more than anyone ever has."

"I don't like to talk about my family. I didn't want you to know. I'm sorry."

"See you later, [full name]. Go save the world for me, okay?"

"If we are to survive this, we must trust each other."

"Well, [name] seems to be growing up."

"I was beginning to feel better, so I thought I would talk with you a bit. You always manage to annoy me."

"You did something nice. Why?"

"The people in my village laughed at me. They said I would never amount to anything. Look at me now. Sometimes, small things can become very large indeed."

"When the time comes, I think you'll know."

"Come inside for cake and ice cream. It sounds like we've got a lot to talk about."

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 178 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: cutting the French tamarisk in my garden.

BASIRA: "How do you tell which is which?" JON: "I mean, you could ask me, I suppose. B-But I don’t really see the point. Would it help you to know whose suffering is real and whose is just a grim reflection?" Oh god, yes! Did anyone watch S2 of The Hollow? Basically that. (Spoiler The Hollow S2: Because of a glitch of the cheat there were copies of the players created which of course only can exist in The Hollow, they're virtual. But does that mean they want to live any less than their flesh and blood selves do? Love how the Hollow explores that, even when it takes a bit too long to get to that point in S2)

MARTIN: "God, I hate all of these… loose ends." JON: "I’m sorry." MARTIN: "It’s fine. We’ll just have to tie them all up in one go." JON: "Hm?" MARTIN: "Around Elias’ neck." Classic Martin Kill Blackwood.

Soundscaping appreciation: When they talk in the... presumably hallways of this place, you can hear their voices echoing. As soon as Jon hops into that cupboard and closes the door, the echo is gone (because it's a small space and sound doesn't bounce around that much).

"The thing sat behind the desk" That is always accompanied by a grunting sound. Is it supposed to be a pig? Like in a world of opposites, not humans slaughtering pigs, pigs slaughtering humans.

"When the brand hits him in the small of his back, he has no idea what is happening." I am so happy my horse doesn't have that nonsense of a brand and has a chip instead. Brands can do so much damage and it's just cruel. Burns are extremely painful...

"Is it not better, at least, to be useful?" I don't quite get that statement. The nearest thing in rl I could think of is a job center. Useless waiting with others who are just as helpless as you are. Mountains of unnecessary bureaucracy. Wasting your skills on bullshit jobs they force you to take because they cancel your money otherwise...

[WALKING OFF, MARTIN JOSTLES A BODY] MARTIN: "Excuse me." JON: [Exasperated] "Martin, they can’t hear you –" MARTIN: [Sharp] "I know, Jon. That’s not the point." I guess Martin likes to do that, to treat them like normal humans, so he can uphold a sense of normality for himself. So he doesn’t lose his sense of humanity.

MARTIN: [Loudly] "Enough. Enough! Someone has died! Show some respect. Or don’t you care?" BASIRA: [Incensed] "Of course I fucking care! … [Quieter] That’s the problem." Ah, Martin doing what I just pointed out in the last bullet point and finally Basira is getting somewhere!^^

BASIRA: "I thought we were doing good. I really did. I knew there was some bad shit. I knew Daisy was into a lot of it, but… I thought it balanced out. [Weakly] I thought we were good." JON: [Softly] "I know how that feels." T_______T

BASIRA: "I wanted to help people, you know? When I first joined. Protect people. But then I saw what some of those same people were capable of, and…" I wonder how many people who want to be cops/become cops are really, like, middle to left and just want to help others. And then I wonder how they deal with all the right-winged bullshit and if they get persuaded by the others and actually start to believe the same crap, or if they simply give up at some point, keep their mouths shut or quit.

Aw man, this whole affair with Daisy is just so... difficult. I love this moral debacle. I think it was super important for the whole S5 arc with Basira here to show us a side of Daisy that would actually make her likable. Otherwise we as audience would hardly be conflicted about any of this and probably would judge Basira very quickly.

@a-mag-a-day

[thereader-radhika]

5 - Ilavarasan Ilavarasan

Nandini tried her best not to meet the royal children after that. Her parents and Thiruveni were so embarrassed when they learnt that she ran away with the royal jewellery and silk. Her father returned it to the Ilaya piratti and her mother took her to the palace to apologise for this indiscretion.

Sembiyan Madevi consoled them, took her aside and reassured her that they don't have any misgivings. But she didn't look happy. Maybe she thinks that Nandini is really a thief. Aiyyo! Such misfortune! If the earth had split open and swallowed her then and there, Nandini would have died a happy girl. She didn't want to do anything with these three brats and their monkey gang.

Since Kundavai spent most of the time in the palace, avoiding her was easy. But the princes spent most of their time outdoors, training, playing and talking to the officials. Ponniyin Selvan sometimes waved at her with his chonky hands. He is so adorable! She wanted to pinch his chubby cheeks, carry him and teach him songs. She really missed little Valarnila and Valli.

Avoiding Aditha Karikalan was particularly difficult because she found herself in his presence often. Maybe Karikalar misunderstood that she is a thief and is keeping an eye on her since she ran away with the clothes and jewellery of the princess.

Aditha Karikalan

When did she start to call him that? Why can't she call him that? Isn't it his name? It isn't like she is addressing him by his name in real life. She doesn't even talk to him. Didn't he too laugh at her?

His parents shouldn't have named him Aditha Karikalan if they didn't want anyone to use that name. Perhaps they should have named him Illavarasan. "Ilavarasan Ilavarasan". It would have been so funny.

Why is the prince smiling at her? Can he read her mind? Thirumalai annan once told her about a prince in the north who could read minds. But he was quite old and renounced his kingdom to become an ascetic. This Karikalar couldn't have read her mind, right? He is a small boy. What! Is she also smiling? Hasn't Amma asked her not to smile at random boys? Aiyyo, aiyyo, how embarassing! If she pretends that she didn't see him, he will just think that she has gone mad. It isn't like she smiled because she saw him, is it? No, no.

Is he coming here? What did she do now? She ran into the forest.

"Nandini"

So he knows her name.

"Are you competing with my horse?"

"This horse might be yours, but the forest is mine". She shouldn't have said that. What's wrong with her? What if he tells her father or worse, Kundavai? Way to go Nandini! Since coming here, you stole the princess's jewellery and insulted the crown prince! What's happening to her!

•--------------• "Kanna, please give me a strong heart and the strength to hold my tongue", she prayed. No wonder akka had been complaining that she got naughty after coming here. Everyone knew everyone in the village and the girls were supposed to be docile, nice and invisible. Here, she started back talking to the crown prince himself.

She felt someone standing behind her. Karikalar. She looked around. What if someone sees them? What if she says something cheeky? Last day when that Sheshaiyyer's rowdy son tried to talk to her, akka asked him to get lost. But Karikalar is no rowdy boy. The earth she stands upon is theirs, as her father reminded her when she ran away with the jewellery.

"Someone might see us Ilavarase"

"So what? Let them see."

Yes, so what? It isn't like she stole his jewellery this time. But what if someone reports this to that bratty Kundavai?

"I am just an orphan girl. Please leave me alone."

She walked away.

"The Emperor has summoned me. I am off to Tanjai. To fight in war. I might not comeback for a few years"

What! He is too small. How can they send little boys to fight wars? You won't see him for years. What if he never... Stop! Just stop! Tears clouded her vision. He was nowhere to be seen when she looked back.

Ilavarasan - Prince

Kanna - Lord Krishna

Tanjai - Tanjaore

[angrenwen]

"My mother doesn’t know who painted the picture, but there is a signature in one corner. I convince her to let me take it to the owner of a gallery - surely it is worth something, I tell her, and at last she lets me take it, though I must promise not to sell her treasure. 

The man wants it, when he sees it. He gives me the name of the artist only after making several offers to buy the painting, his hands running reverently over the frame, his eyes greedy on the graceful lines of the ballerina. “Tell your mother what I am willing to offer,” he urges, when I finally wrest the painting away from him and put it back in its case. “Herr Werner’s paintings are very popular, especially his portraits. They have such life, such soul! He is a great artist.” 

Soul.

Is that it? Is the soul of that dancer trapped within the painting? I thought she was like a ghost, but perhaps she is a ghost. If the immortal soul of a woman is indeed imprisoned within, by what black magic I cannot imagine, then my quest is even more urgent. 

Herr Werner is very old now, but he is still alive, though it takes me two days on the train and another on a hired horse to reach his Schloss. My parents will be furious that I have run off in this way, and with my mother’s precious painting, but a desperate urgency has seized me now. I don’t know why, but I feel that time is running out. 

The small, run-down old castle is exactly the sort of home a wealthy artist would choose, beautiful and a little sad, and yet as I approach it I feel a strange unease. It is such a pretty, green place, and yet thoughts of Bergmönch and  Askafroa, Wiedergänger and Nachzehrer and all the monsters of old stories fill my mind. This is not a good place, I feel it in my bones.

It seems almost unreal when a stout, pleasant-looking footman opens the door to me. I explain my manufactured errand - to verify this painting as the great Herr Werner’s work - and for reasons I cannot explain even to myself, I do not give my own name. The caution learned from the old tales, perhaps, that are so much in my mind now, that warn not to give your own name, nor that of any person you know. So I give the name of Richter, and a town in which I know no Richters live, and I am ushered in and invited to wait. 

Herr Werner is a small, thin man, but though he must be at least eighty he still moves with vigour. “Welcome, welcome, young man,” he says to me, smiling. “It’s so rare that anyone comes to visit me, these days. And you have brought one of my paintings? I am grateful - I am always so pleased to see them again.” 

He seems so ordinary, such a nice old man, that my qualms and my quest seem suddenly foolish. How could I have believed such a fanciful notion? (And yet my memory of the ballerina’s desperate pleading is so clear.) I try to make small-talk as I carefully open the flat box, unwrap the oiled cloth and soft wool wrappings around the precious canvas, and feel like a fool as I lay the ballerina’s portrait before him. 

And when he looks at it, I know I am not a fool. Perhaps someone who wasn’t watching wouldn’t have seen that gloating look, the fleeting, cruel smile. “Ahh, yes,” he murmurs as he strokes the frame with a fingertip, “the portrait of the little Kuznetsov. I painted this more than fifty years ago, young Richter, when I was a young man myself, little older than you are. And here she is, as beautiful as ever.” 

There is something in his tone that chills me. “It is my mother’s favourite painting,” I tell him, trying to hide my unease. “It was hard to convince her to let me take it, even to bring it to you.” I pause, and try to make my voice casual and unconcerned. “I suppose the woman, this Fraulein Kuznetsov, must be very old now.” 

“Oh, no,” he says softly. “The little Kuznetsov died young. So sad.” But under the sorrow in his voice, I can hear that cruel satisfaction again. 

“I see.” I look around the room. “Forgive me, sir, but I am most curious... are any of your other portraits here? I have heard they are marvellous, but I have only ever seen this one.” 

He looks pleased. “Yes, yes, there are a few. Come with me into my little gallery.” 

The portraits are indeed marvellous, all with the same beauty of line and poignant life of the ballerina. They are all different - a sturdy little servant girl, a handsome dandy, a sleepy-eyed matron wrapped in furs, people from all walks of life - and yet every one sends the same chill down my spine. 

As we walk along the brightly lit gallery, movement catches my eye. Not in the gallery itself, but at the far end, where a door leads into a darkened room. There are pale, anguished faces there, the faces from the portraits twisted in suffering and anger, and it takes all my strength of will to pretend I don’t see them. I can’t tell if he sees them... but I am sure, so very sure, that he knows they’re there.

He escorts me back to the study, and I am not surprised to see the ballerina in a shadowed corner. Even now, she is dancing, unable to stop, but her eyes never leave the elderly artist, and the rage distorts her face until it looks almost inhuman. 

Herr Werner smiles down at the painting, and then looks at me. “Young man,” he says thoughtfully, “I would like to paint your portrait. I have not painted one in a long time... would you be willing to stay for a few days?”

I am sure now, and I shake my head with false regret. “My parents will already be worrying, and I must return as quickly as I can. Perhaps I could return another time, if you would like it.” 

“That would be very nice. You would be most welcome.” He nods to me, all affability. “I have enjoyed your little visit, young Richter.”

I incline my head. “If I might ask for one more small service? I am sorry to impose, but...” 

“If there is anything an old man can do,” he agrees, keeping up his pose of being an affable old man, “I would be most happy.” 

I gesture to the painting - and then, slowly, to the ballerina in the corner. “Let her out,” I tell him, and my voice is no longer pleasant or friendly. “Whatever you have done to her, undo it. Free her.” 

He looks into the corner, and then back at me, and his face is suddenly a mask of fury. “Never,” he spits. “I will never release her! I will never release any of them!” He moves with the speed of a spider, lunging at me, and the withered hand that clutches my wrist has a terrible strength. 

He is faster than I expected, and stronger, and he has his hands around my throat before my knife passes between his ribs. The faint, reedy cry has a note of surprise... is it that I am armed, or that I strike so readily, or that the knife burns him? It does - I can smell the scorching flesh. 

When the curator of the gallery spoke of souls, it made me afraid. Before I left the town, I stopped at a church and begged a priest’s blessing. He was a good man, and could see that I was afraid. Though I am sure he doubted whether any real black magic threatened me, he blessed me, and laid further blessings on the crucifix I wear and the knife I carry, that they might shield me from evil. 

His blessings had power. The old man’s hand burned where it touched the crucifix, and the flesh around the knife sizzled like fat on a stove.  Whatever wicked magic he had done, his very flesh and blood was so poisoned with it that it burned at the touch of a holy blessing. Within moments, the old man collapsed at my feet, his lips drawn back from his teeth in a futile snarl, his eyes fixed in death. 

The ballerina still danced in her corner, her fluttering hands stretched out towards the body on the floor. Even his death had not freed her... or, I supposed, the others. What more must I do?

The ballerina could not pause her dance, it seemed. It was the little servant girl from the painting who crept into the room, laying her small hand on the old man’s chest and looking at me with pleading eyes. 

I remembered old stories about wizards, and I knew what to do. It took some time, and it was messy, but I cut out the heart and threw it onto the fire. It blazed in a way flesh should not, and at last the ballerina stopped her dancing. She collapsed onto her knees, clasping her hands in prayer, and then looked up at me with such thankfulness that words could not have expressed it better than her beautiful eyes. The little servant girl bowed, the same joy and thankfulness on her round face, and they both faded away as the heart burned.

When I walked out of that terrible room, the footman was on his knees sobbing. What terrible things the wizard had inflicted on him, I pray I never know. I laid a bloodied hand on his shoulder. “Blame me,” I told him. “Young Richter, from Halsdorf. Do not forget it.” 

He sobbed and babbled something with thanks mixed into it, clutching at my hand, and I left, still carrying my painting. I washed my hands in a trough outside, mounted my horse, and rode away. 

My mother is not as fond of her painting as she was. She still stops to admire it, now and then, but always with a little sigh. Some elusive magic... the imprisoned soul... is gone from it now. She has promised to leave it to me, though, since I am so fond of it, and I am glad of that. I know almost nothing of the little Kuznetsov, and likely never will... but I know that her soul is free. 

Note: Though this narrative must be considered fantastic, several interesting corroborative details have come to light after investigation. Firstly, that a dancer named Olga Kuznetsov did indeed die shortly after being painted by Werner, supposedly of consumption. Secondly, that a number of other Werner subjects died after being painted, deaths usually attributed to consumption or fever. Thirdly and most strikingly, that the description of both the artist Werner’s death and of the paintings in his gallery at the time of his murder (specifically the servant girl, the dandy, and the matron with furs) are entirely accurate, as is the pseudonym reported by Werner’s servants to be the name of his killer. There can be little doubt that it was indeed Heinrich Vogt who murdered Werner, a crime unsolved for more than one hundred and fifty years. Whether he genuinely believed that Werner was a black magician at the time, there is no way to know. The account appears to have been written much later, though whether it is a copy of an earlier, contemporary document we will probably never know.

The Vogt family, who must be thanked for their willingness to have this strange account made public, attest that according to those who knew him personally, Heinrich Vogt was a very gentle, kindly man. However, they also confirm that he was deeply superstitious, and to the end of his days wore an old silver crucifix that he insisted was ‘blessed’, and sovereign protection against wicked magic. The crucifix was, at his request, buried with him."

The ballerina’s portrait is cursed. I see her dancing in the greenhouse, her face twisted in grief and rage. 

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

sacred pizza

I dreamt of my grandmother

how she was and not how I have been remembering her

the last time I saw her was at my aunt's funeral

she was upset because she felt my grieving uncle

and the entire funeral procession weren't

giving her enough attention

I remember being so disgusted and feeling guilty for it

that was pretty much how I felt around my family of origin

just fucking disgusted and feeling guilty for it

in my dream I got into a car with her

she was in her eighties and full of life

I had brought an offering of pizza

and we both ate it in the backseat

she was telling me all about playing softball

even in her nineties she had to do things

her spirit and energy was always wild and vital

her focus was often negative and judgmental

but I remember always finding a way to make her

acknowledge that things weren't so bad

I remember a story my grandfather told

where she'd won a bike from a gas station lottery

and even though that bike was clear across town

she was adamant that she was going to drive it home

I can just imagine my grandfather in the car behind her

I remember the love he had for her

he was absolutely crazy about her

and she nearly killed herself taking care of him

she missed him so much when he was gone

when she died I had a dream about them together

and it put something inside me to rest at that time

I still have the taxidermy fox she made him buy

and I can just imagine the conversation

because my grandfather was a very stoic man

who wore a freemason's fez and still looked stoic

and not ridiculous which is actually impressive

he was very responsible with his money

and he raised my mother like his own

I don't know how he raised my uncle

and I can imagine him with his serious expression

looking at my grandmother with exasperation

"what the fuck do we need a fox corpse for?"

and her giving him a look that likely meant his loss

to whatever logic the conversation called for

and saying quite simply, I need it

and that man reluctantly pulling out his wallet

like I watched him do grumbling so many times

and purchasing the fox that sits on my dresser

and every day makes me feel less alone

if I get caught up in feelings of being lonely

they were the ones who taught me about money

I still remember going to the bank on the weekend

adding money to my little kid's account and getting

a coupon to rent another horse movie

or go get something to eat at a local restaurant

there was always a lollipop and I was taught early

how to be responsible for my money when I had it

maybe that's where the shame comes from

I put my trust in someone I thought would keep my finances

and payments and everything safe and taken care of

and when they decided to stop I didn't take them over

I was so overwhelmed by everything else I was doing

and he couldn't remember the passwords and kept changing them

and I wasn't able to focus on anything long enough

to get organized and take back my responsibility

and I suppose yesterday was the beginning of doing that

she came to me as I remembered her

and I have more wonderful memories with my grandmother

in childhood than I do as an adult who remembers

a very old woman who just wanted me to be in her life

and was willing to use whatever guilt and manipulation

she could to keep me there

for her the ends justified the means

and I get her perspective

but fuck anyone who tried to cage me in shame

even a beloved grandmother

I threw all those letters in the fire and kept the fox

she's not looking at me from the other side

waggling a finger at the fact that I was too scared

to face yet another example of a recent betrayal

she's placing a hand on my shoulder

and telling me to keep stepping forward

and I am while facing all the anger and sadness

that comes with the ruin of trust and the injustice of it

again I feel so much disgust and I'm guilty for it

no wonder she showed up in my dreams

because the cycle to end is likely the feeling of disgust

and being able to accept all the feelings that lead to it

without feeling guilty for all the negativity I feel

around a situation that shouldn't have fucking happened

but it did and now I have to clean up the mess

another fucking mess of a man who never cleans up after himself

and doesn't mind what he ruins in the process of that

it can't be fun being trapped in a house with an angry scorpion

you just never know when that tail is going to come out

maybe I'm not looking at my opportunity right

because he's just as trapped as me

and while I do everything I can to keep civility

I have to confess that it's fun to make him uncomfortable

if I'm going to be uncomfortable then we both are

except I happen to be an excellent storyteller

and I just can't keep my mouth shut about any of it

I'm not a failure for being fucked up financially

I just deeply and depressedly feel like it

and maybe I kept tripping myself up to move forward

because I knew the minute I had income

I'd have to start cleaning up something

that he promised to take care of and didn't

and only one of us really suffered for it

but now that he can't just cut and run

and leave me in all of it

I guess both of us are suffering now

isn't it fun?

I told him recently that if he hadn't decided to just

randomly drop all my bills from his money management

during his documented cycle of devaluing and discarding

that he or I would find it far easier to leave and move on

I asked him if he enjoyed the irony of that

and he mumbled something about me lacking responsibility

and I feel my soul burn with so many creative ideas

but none of those solutions will actually help me with

my current problems and likely cause more

so I will just keep solving things

step by step and build back my confidence

when I take something on I do become very responsible for it

and I'll do the same for this situation

and I will not make it worse to make myself feel better

I will not make it worse to make myself feel better

no matter what chaos is whispering in my ear

karma is not about justice it's about balance

and this situation was very imbalanced

so I trust the universe to balance it how it will

and I will not make things worse to make myself feel better

I will not make things worse to make myself feel better

thanks for visiting, grandmother

I'll take care of this shit and move on magnanimously

or at least give it my best effort to and not listen to chaos

I will not make things worse to make myself feel better

[kimberlycee]

Monday, 10 Jun 2024 11:43 PM

I am starting this journal in order to get my thoughts in order as well as my feelings.

I can't seem to make a desision and stick with it. I know what I deserve. I know I should listen to my intuition and not anything else. I feel like

I am contaminated with Logan's energy. I am not sure what's his energy and what's mine anymore. I can't seem to separate myself from him. He angers me and I hate him with a passion. I feel disgust when I see that he has no respect for me or my feelings. He has no remorse for the the things he does and says to me. Something is wrong with him. I don't know if he is a full blown narcissist or is he just mentally ill. I don't believe he is capable of actual love. I think there is a blockage. I think he is capable of being attached. But not actual love and respect. He sees no wrong in what he does or says. He will leave and be gone for a long amount of time and the plan will change and he doesn't think about messaging me and.letting me know and doesn't understand why I'm mad. Then he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of my anger. He wants me to shut up. I'm not allowed to have an opinion, I'm not supposed to express anger or pain. He doesn't want to deal with it. He doesn't want to hear my feelings. I am just supposed to deal with his bullshit and be quiet. That is what he told me. When he is yelling and screaming or in a mood...being abusive I'm not supposed to react

So basically, I'm supposed to be less than human and be his horse he can kick. I'm not supposed to fight back or call him names back in anger. He can be disrespectful and abusive and I'm supposed to allow it and keep my mouth shut. Is he narcissist or just plain sick in the head? Now I see why Stephanie couldn't do it anymore. I see what she went through even though she had issues as well. I can only imagine that he verbally lashed out at her as well. What did I fight for? I wish he would have gotten back with her. Why was I so hell bent on keeping someone who is not capable of understanding how to respect another person? He talks about women like they are beneath him. Where did he get this? He literally fought with his mother before she died and I wonder what it was about. I mean, if he can argue with his mom when she is so sick and about to die what kind of a man is he? He will never truly love me. He isn't able. He doesn't know or care about somebody else's feelings based on what he does. I don't even know if he even acknowledges that he does anything wrong. We can't communicate whatsoever when I try to explain how he makes me feel or tell him the things he does to me hurts me he refuses to admit he's done anything and then turns the tables around and tries to put blame on me. He finds nothing wrong with verbal abuse. He finds nothing wrong with calling me a stupid bitch, whore, cunt, old wrinkled hag, saggy, fat ..ugly. He wants me to just be quiet and not react. I've told him that I am eventually going to hate his guts and I will leave. My body will not allow him to touch me. My body will shut down and not want to be touched by him. It happened before and I am sure it's coming soon with him. I feel it already starting . I used to be so ready to give him sex anytime he wanted and now I feel like I am doing it and not wanting to.

The last few times I have not wanted to and haven't enjoyed it. I'm starting to just feel resentment . I need to make a final decision and stick to it. I need to just leave his ass and not worry about what's going to happen to him when I'm not here. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my mental health and life because he can't treat someone with love and respect . I hate the fact that he has a needy, little boy personality that shows love and affection towards me. He does things for me and cooks for me and can be sweet. Who is that guy? Then he can switch into the asshole that doesn't give a shit about what I feel. That's what keeps me hanging on. I will miss one of his personalities. I don't understand if he has borderline personality disorder...or what his issue is.

[divorce]

clarifying post

listen, i'm sorry to shove gofundme links in everyone's face after not being around since 2016 -- i just wake up in a tent every day and think, "fuck!!"

let me just say, "i don't expect anyone from tumblr to donate to me" i keep reading posts with 30,000+ notes that are like, 'yeah yall its not much but lets just keep shifting the small amount of wealth that we have access to around cause that's all we really have #mutualaid" i don't care about that, that's not what i'm asking

all i need is for signal boost and someone to act as 'legitimate person' between me and the public, to help carry me to the top right now i'm only committed to raising my energy to 10-25% tops. i'm setting a low bar for myself. that is why my 'content', its all horse-shit, i literally take a nap most days when im on there cause no one's watching, so if it was the most impressive talent i have to showcase or bs it doesn't matter... i'm telling you, deaf ears, the void, audience, impressions, sorted, w/e i'm going up to 100% in the next 3 years i never thought i would be alive this long, as a celebration of my life & Art while in the prime of my life, in the seat of my consciousness, i owe it to myself to perform at my best ; i am now progressing towards making the best art of my life, it would be great

if while at my peak i wasn't still forced to pack up every 3-6 months and shuffle around unhoused, unwashed, unfed, with no protection, exposed to the elements, with no relatives, income, or connections.

i've had people successfully raise funds for me in the past; alone however i do not have any 'social media' so i cannot 'share it', i need 'you guys' ie someone from the internet to take over for me on the 'social media campaign :D yahoo!' side for me, i am an extreme introvert hikki that does ceremonial magick, religious prostrations, lots of bowing, who was neglected at birth ~I CANNOT ADVOCATE FOR MYSELF WORTH SHIT~

I have a house, let me tell you about My House... My Uncle Jim lives in My House, in 2006 when my grandma was sick and in hospice my uncle Jim snuck in and had her sign over the will to the family house which was supposed to go to me and my cousin, the next generation, but Jim took over the deed, and sat in My House, forcing 3 of his brothers out (they died, my dad included). I sat homeless in the streets & my amputee cousin has to work and rent, while Jim sits in My House smoking crack & meth and being a nazi pedophile making 'ball' jokes. Jim has a piece of paper that says "I bought this house for $1 from my mom :P", and I have no such paper, so I have no legal recourse to take back the home from the person who killed my father and my two favorite uncles and made my life worse... My mom also bought my a house 3 years ago. She 100% planned, visited, bought, a home, in front of me, and then said... "You are homeless", and that I "need to work". I think, after over a decade of being homeless, what would work best for me, for solving the problem of homelessness, for me, is I need a home. I think I need access to permenant stable housing. I've tried work, that's fine, whatever. I actually need access to a place to work from. so. My family is not there for me. The Internet I need you to be my family please and transfer me generational wealth so I can get on with my life please and stop being homeless immediately thank you. I'm sorry to lump this on the general internet, but you raised me more than my parents. I'm looking for my Chosen Family. please show up. Share the links and take over for me because after so long I cannot handle this stress.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

Katie 1/23/17

.....can be *trusted*? What about all the stuff about her being Jesus, and me being the Virgin Mary?

How am i supposed to know what’s real, and what’s not real, Horse? Like, is the stuff about Blond real?

(dramatic sigh)

But Jane is saying that i can’t trust my guides.

(Jane is a medium in cali who warned me things were going to go haywire the night before katie died)

That i can’t read for myself. Is that true?

That Random and God and you are all gonna say the same thing that katie says.

Well, is it true that all the phone calls have been from Blond’s people? Almost all of them?

(pause)

And is it true that she’s pregnant?

And is it true that she’s going to miscarry on april 17th?

I’m just thinking about...jakk. I heard what you said the other night, i did. You know i listen to you. (yawns) i need to lie down a bit more.

(break in tape, a buzzing in the background, now talking to “katie”)

And i think that that’s what jane doesn’t understand. You’re not a normal 9 year old..is that correct?

And i think that’s what she wasn’t getting. But that’s just so obvious to me. Like, i feel that. It would be obvious to me if you were just a normal year old. If my niece had just died, and..i know that that is deeper.

You know?

But...(transmission)

i get that. I know that.

I like the way that i can feel you reacting in my body.

(pause)

I just heard a man calling Blond....a man calling Blond in my head...and leaving her a voicemail. Saying “you need to stop Blondrich Closetwitch, do you hear me “

Is that just because i’m angry? Is that just because i’m tired of it.

“No”?

Should i give someone her phone number? Patrick?

(Pause)

That’s bad though, that’s the dark, that’s the dark..right? That’s the dark. That’s Blond’s way. (tearful) that’s the dark, that’s Blond’s way (more tears) and i just have to, like, focus. And ask for God’s help.

So you think it’s almost time to call my father. Thousand dollars meeting with healers, trying to figure out what happened...tell him i’ve done that, 800$ meeting with healers, and they all...i

can play it all for him. (getting manic) and that right now i need his help. I can quit the business and i can get a job waiting tables. (smiling) like you told me to

And then i’ll just see the normal clients that i like.

Right?

Do i need to wash my hair today?

I do?

Should we go to the tree now? It’s only 7. I guess we could go out there this early. Ok. i guess. (noises of getting dressed & prepped for the world )

( a long pause)

Katie....did jakk get a job somewhere else?

In the chef position?

So now he feels like he can file for divorce. Ohhhhhhhh. So he’ll have more money. That’s what he was telling me.

Is it a new place?

No....no(surprised)...it’s an established place? (she ruminates)

It’s not one of the DC restaurants, is it?

It is?

Is it saam?

Is it saambar?

(shocked) no! No it’s not, (thrilled) no it’s not. Really? He loves saam. He loves it.

(running water)

I know it sounds crazy.

.*really*?

What!

Is this an alternative world? (low laugh) did he actually get the chef position at saam bar?

( sounds of her moving around, until the tape ends)

NR 71 1/24/17

We’ve got a little time. Hold on i have to put my hair up, sorry. It’s like a rat’s nest. So was Blond Judas?

So Blond goes back, like, through time! Playing the role of..the traitor.

Is jakk...is jakk...so jakk is hearing my conversations with him?

And he’s trying to figure out how to get out of the situation with Blond.

Is he keeping his phone locked?

Good.

Ok

Is it safe for me to start texting him again?

You think so.

Is he really the chef of saambar?

I’m trying to get if that’s like....

Yes. that’s a yes.

Chef of saam bar.

(googling) new chef of saam bar...(perusing the website )

You’re saying yes

Huh

Have they announced it yet?

But he got it.

“Matt asked him.”

(shrieks) oh my god

(translating transmission)

So matt’s moving on to somewhere else....and asked jakk to take the position.

(freaking) oh god. Oh my god.

So, it’s not happening just yet.

Is it gonna be..more than 2 weeks?

Oh my god, that’s so great.

It really is happening then.

(pause)

I think i’m gonna go back to bed, my head still hurts. We can talk later. Is that ok? I’ve got to get one more hour of sleep.

But that’s great news. It’s really great news.

But does that mean that he’s still gonna go to europe?

Or does that mean i’m gonna go to europe?

(small laugh)

I’m going to europe

He’s gonna stay here and work and i’m gonna go to europe

I guess it makes sense.

Am i gonna have the money to go to europe? Is someone gonna give me the money? Cause i can’t be poor in europe. Am, i going to italy?

What about the cat? Is she coming with me?

And katie’s coming with me.

(concerned) Is my brother gonna kill himself?

Soon?

Is it true that dad admitted to claire what he did?

(pause)

I don’t know any italian

And we’re gonna write.....one more hour of sleep.

oh i see it’s because he’s the Magician.

I see why it’s happening. (end of tape)

NR 72 1/24/17

(talking to “Psychic Jakk”)

(angry) Took down my slixa, took down my eros, took down my backpage....like i’ve taken everything down, i’ve taken everything down...and she’s still trying to set up people, she’s contacting...i don’t know exactly how she’s finding them. But it does seem to be happening, somehow.

She is doing this.

She’s just trying to get me busted and she’s trying to use any means possible. Is this because she...is this because of the spells?

“Because she doesn’t want to go to jail for the spells. “

Well......does laurie know that i want to talk to her about the spells?

Yes, okay. Is she planning on talking to me? I had a feeling she would.

I am...i’m not giving up. It seems like Blond knows a lot of people. But that’s ok. Oh man it’s really raining. She knows a lot of people but that’s alright.

Do you know how she’s doing this?

Did she send out like a massive email or something? She did.

Did she say this woman is trying to wreck my marriage?

Huh.

Huh.

Don’t you think her mother should see the email?

Well, .......she’s not going to get to me. Can you find me a restaurant job? Can you like have one of your friends call me and hire me, stat? Just don’t let her know about it.

That would be a huge help.

You know i’m good. You know i’m great with people. And i’m gonna work on my resume tonight, i just have to go to the bank and make sure my account isn’t overdrawn.

And figure out if i’m getting a roommate or what, i guess. Which i really didn’t want to do but oh well..i’d rather just have you as my roommate.

But ...do you think that i should hold off on messaging laurie again? Ok

( translating transmission)

You’re handling it.

Alright i’m gonna let you get to work, i’m going to go to the bank...we’ll talk more later. Ok. alright. Ok. i love you.

ok bye.

Alright katie...we’re gonna get ready to go...out in the rain.

(end of tape)

[pesterloglog]

Jane Crocker, Calliope, Jade Harley

Act 6, page 7355-7358

JANE: I knew that I was her only hope for resurrection.

JANE: Perhaps my cybernetic intelligence was not as flawless as I believed.

JANE: In my haste to revive her, I neglected to let them know I was the only chance she had.

JANE: If they understood the nature of my powers, they may have tempered their aggression.

JANE: And if I wasn't so hurried to use those powers, I may not have let my guard down.

JANE: Alas, I did let my guard down, and with it, my queen.

JANE: But more importantly, my friend, who surely stayed dead.

JANE: Poor Roxy.

CALLIOPE: do yoU sUppose we shoUld be expecting her ghost to join Us too?

CALLIOPE: thoUgh i admit, part of me feels gUilty hoping she will join Us in death. u_u

JANE: I do not know.

JANE: But guilt notwithstanding, I truly hope to see her again.

JANE: Killing a dear friend while in a compromised state of mind... it's frightening to imagine having to "live" with that for eternity.

JANE: I'd be miserable if I never had the opportunity to make amends.

JADE: its sad she died, but then, isnt it kinda sad we all died?

JADE: personally im really hoping she shows up!

JADE: jane why dont you prepare a trollsona for her as a gesture of reconciliation?

JADE: its the least you can do :B

JANE: Why, yes.

JANE: I do believe I can make that sacrifice for the good of our friendship.

CALLIOPE: HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!

JADE: so getting back to the story

JADE: i take it from what you said about letting your guard down...

JADE: you believe this was how you died?

JANE: I'm almost certain of it.

JANE: I can remember nothing beyond that moment.

JANE: And if one of your friends managed to get the better of me, I have no doubt my death would have been just, considering the trouble I caused.

JADE: yeah...

JADE: likewise :\

CALLIOPE: do yoU remember who it was that killed yoU?

CALLIOPE: not to hoUnd yoU for details, bUt trivia like this tends to be historically important.

CALLIOPE: plUs, i woUld like to draw this scene. :u

JANE: I'm sorry. My memory of the incident overall is quite vague.

JANE: But it wouldn't surprise me if the one who dealt my fatal blow was the leader of the raid.

JANE: This was the unanticipated factor.

JANE: Their leader was someone who was not expected to show up with them at all.

JANE: The presence of this lone interloper was enough to discombobulate a scheme millions of years in the making.

JANE: This hero occupied a blind spot as much to the Condesce as to my present recollection, but of this much I am sure.

JANE: The hero was bold, wily; the sort of firebrand personality they needed to take such a stand.

JANE: An intrepid soul who was not about to take the verdict of paradox space lying down.

JANE: You see, Callie, your historical documents make no mention of the leader of the raid, because originally, the curtains closed early on this plucky customer.

JANE: But the hero was written back into our story by some inscrutable gambit of circumstance which we may never fully understand.

JANE: And with that flourish of revisionism, the tide of luck turned on a shiny new dime. All bets were off!

JANE: The tilt between the friendly and felonious was a true horse race again. A real barn burner in the brewing.

JANE: Yes, there'd still be hell to pay after Jade and I made our exit, sure as sugar cubes.

JANE: There'd be ashes to sift, wounds to mend, fallen to mourn. Not being privy to the aftermath, I can only surmise as well as the next gumshoe.

JANE: But with respect to the fate of our comrades, of this much I am convinced.

JANE: When the curtains finally closed, this time, their leader would make sure everyone was standing on the right side of them.

JANE: That is to say, the side any interested onlooker would be able to witness.

JADE: ...

JADE: jeez!

JANE: Hm?

JADE: youre really good at telling stories jane!

CALLIOPE: yes, i'd no idea yoU had sUch a talent. how sneaky of yoU to hide sUch a gift from me all this time!

JADE: hear hear! 5 stars, would listen again! :)

JANE: Aw, shucks, you guys. :B

[journalofsorts2]

here's some more quotes from tiktok slideshows that really got to me because i haven't done this in a LONG time

"i feel sick when i remember how i opened up to you"

"i had no interests. i had no interest in anything. i had no idea how i was going to escape. at least the others has some taste for life. they seemed to understand something that i didn't understand. maybe i was lacking. it was possible. i often felt inferior. i just wanted to get away from them. but there was no place to go. suicide? jesus christ, just more work. i felt like sleeping for five years but they wouldn't let me."

"i forgive you for all the things you never apologized for"

"one day i woke up and we no longer spoke the same language. i haven't heard from you since."

"the illusions of childhood are necessary experiences: a child should not be denied a balloon just because an adult knows that sooner or later it will burst."

"i remember my childhood as a long wish to be elsewhere."

"from childhood i had never believed in permanence, and yet i had longed for it."

"then he said: don't you know i am trying to make you great. and i said: i do not want to be great, i want to be loved."

"'god knows all of your ugliness,' my mother says, 'and loves you despite.' 'is that supposed to make me feel loved?' i reply. 'i am still ugly. he is still god.'"

"the desire to be sicker to prove that you are sick is indicative of sickness. a well person doesn't desire to be sick."

"'stop. give me your hand. i am your friend.' 'i fear to stain your clothes with blood.' 'stain them, i don't care.'"

"i already said too much. i already shared too much, and i want all my secrets back. i hate getting close to people these days, i always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much."

"i am starved for tenderness and that is what is the matter with me and has been the matter with me for months."

"i think i've come to terms with the fact that there will always be a ribbon of loneliness running through who i am"

"i wanted you to see a mess and still find me worthy of love, to tell me that you could still love me anyway."

"i was so alone that every day was like eating my own heart"

"like any unloved thing, i don't know if i'm real when i'm not being touched."

"you are not mine, but sometimes i pretend that you wish you were. i create this idea that you secretly want me. and i often forget it's just something i've made up. you do not want me, and you are not mine."

"nothing had changed. i was the stupid one again. i was the girl who never understood who she was to people."

"i'm not a whole person, and i don't think i ever will be. parts of me died in the house i grew up in, and i visit them in my dreams."

"when i was in 5th grade a girl in my class rode horses. i told her she was so lucky and that i'd always wished i could do that. she told me i could still do it. and i said no, i'm way too old. i missed my chance. it's too late. it's years too late. very early in my life it was too late."

"mothers are humans. who sometimes give birth to their pain. instead of children."

"because i am not the type of person someone falls in love with."

"but the thing is, even if i could go back, i wouldn't belong there anymore."

"she didn't sob or wail. her grief was horribly discreet but as persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound."

"'i think i wait for people to hurt me,' she said quietly, 'and when they do i feel a certain smugness at being right. and, after that, i just feel pain.'"

"sometimes i think if nobody spoke to me, i'd never speak again."

cool that's enough for now. 👍

[chaosmultiverse]

Stanley wants to say something, anything but his mind is slow to the draw, she's left before he could, he weakly mumbles "Doomsday..." but that falls on only his ears.

Welp, he picked wrong, he should have done something else. He wishes, briefly that he could reset and try this conversation again, make the right choice that actually makes her feel better, but then he thinks more

No, that won't be fair to her, or their friendship, to try and meta game emotional conversations, erase his fuck ups.

Should he have gotten mad? Maybe? She said it wasn't fine, that probably means he shouldn't just forgive her, so maybe it was anger she wanted?

He did feel some anger, but not for himself, for Cyrus, which he was pretty sure not an anger she wanted, it was one he didn't know what to do with, he was used to petty revenge when he was angry at someone, often that revenge involved killing himself in epic display, blown up over and over.

He didn't want to die in front of Doomsday, that'd hurt her in a way it never hurt his Narrator, who always seemed happy to blow himself up if it meant Stanley would die too.

He felt like a car turning its wheels so fast, very fast, on ice, he was going no where.

He couldn't be mad for himself! Not at her, not in any way that didn't scar her and Cyrus for life, he was so detached from expression that blowing up was all he really knew how to do. And really it won't have been for himself, dying under the stars with friends around didn't sound that bad a way to go, if not a little too soon into this new experience.

No his anger was that she had crossed another boundary of Cyrus, and then he was the one to pay the price, his eye stabbed, at Stanley's hand. Stanley felt dirty, a puppet of fate, the person forced to punish Cyrus for things Doomsday did.

But even then it was hard to be mad at her, he had seen the terror she felt, the grief when she must have realized what was happening, she had stayed by his side this whole time.

So who the fuck was he supposed to be mad at? Stanley's face was in his hands, he was clawing a bit at his hairline, he felt like he might cry tears of frustration.

"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUSPOSED TO FEEL!? WILL SOMEONE JUST FUCKING TELL ME HOW I FEEL?!"

Stanley screamed into his hands, muffling the sound considerably, his voice horse, he hadn't talked loud much, just when he yelled at poor Cyrus.

"God I am such a fucking disaster, I am going to duck up these people's happy endings with my fucking bullshit- I should just-"

He whispered to himself, voice cracking

"-God I wish you were here, you'd make it funny that I nearly died, that my friends hate each other, that Cyrus could have died. You'd make it a joke, by accident, and I'd laugh inside, and then things would reset, and things would be fine."

He finally gave in, he was crying, it felt weird, to have tears running down his face, he felt a rush of embarrassment, he really didn't want anyone to see him right now.

He felt sore, his arm felt sore, he was frustrated, he was sad, he was lonely, he was constantly replaying his many deaths in the back of his head like lo-fi music to study to, he hayed himself for so much, for hurting Cyrus, for hurting Doomsday, he missed his office where things didn't change and he didn't have to try to value his life.

He let go of his face, he was bend over himself, injured arm tryjng to whipe his tears while the other kept him upright, this would go on for a few hours until eventually he'd lay down, expressionlessly staring at the wall.

Stanley let out a relieved breath, right, she wasn't physically hurt anymore, she couldn't be, and while how she ended up with such a ability probably wasn't plesent he was right now happy that that was how it was.

"I'm glad the pain's gone, sorry to make you repeat yourself. I'm being a bit of a worry wort."

He felt more like a ball of twisting fear and anxiety and powerlessness.

Stanley feels like a pin dropped when she says his name in that quiet way, something in his chest just stops, she has hia full undivided attention. Was she okay?

And oh no, Stanley listened and listened well, he wasn't sure how to feel at first, he felt some anger that he nearly died, that Cyrus could have died, because someone didn't think thorugh their actions, didn't care but... It was Doomsday, Doomsday had been the one to not think things out, wasn't one of the things he loved about her was her 'devil may care' attitude, her impulsiveness. This was that at it's natural end point.

He felt sympathy for her, doing something careles and hurting someone that means a lot to you, Stanley had been that one, getting hurt, a few times now and it hurt to watch, he wished he could help her guilt, get rid of it, but it wasn't only him that got hurt...

"You're not a idiot Doomsday, I do careless and thoughtless stuff too, you've just yet to end up dealing with the consequences..." Stanley admitted, maybe not the best place to start but he needed her to know he wasn't veiwing her as some 'Other' that messed up, but like someone flawed he related to.

"I- I forgive you for what happened to me, you didn't mean to hurt me, it's okay, okay? I... Come over here a moment?"

If she did do as he asked he would gentley hug her, words were hard, he didn't know what to say, what the right mix of comforting and his own emotions were right. Hugs were easy.

[spocktheestallion]

“the best way to play arthur is low honor until the TB diagnosis and then high honor bc after that he realizes how little time he has left and wants to make things right and redeem himself before he goes” yes that makes sense and seems like a great idea story wise and more impactful but also have you considered that being mean in video games makes me feel bad