#weve finally come to the end and i just want to say thank you all for the love and support

[thesunisatangerine]

against all odds (to wait for you is all i can do) – part twelve (final part)

alexia putellas x photojournalist!reader

warnings: mentions of grief, suggestive content

(a/n in the tags) [parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve]

word count: 5.2k

This wasn’t the first time you caught yourself thinking how difficult it was to have two professional athletes in your life, and it also wasn’t the first time you wondered how their bodies could store so much energy.

“Princess, slow down a bit. I think your mom needs to rest again.” 

Even with the distance, you could hear the teasing cadence in Alexia’s voice, made prominent by the use of her mother tongue, and you watched as the both of them slowly came to a halt, turning their heads to look at you over their shoulders. At the extra attention, your cheeks heated with more than the exertion and, as pride urged you to save face, you pushed yourself to pedal quicker so you could lose the distance between you and them, stopping with a relieved wheeze when you finally arrived at their tail. Although amusement graced their features with a lightness, their ever-present disquietude–try as they might to hide it–shone clear in their eyes for you to see.

“Mom, are you okay?” Came Elisa’s question and, upon removing her cycling sunglasses, you found her brows furrowed.

You only managed to give her a thumbs up as your breath still eluded you, but when it returned, you added, “Yep. Just–just need a minute to catch my breath.”

“Seriously, Mom, you don’t have to push yourself too much.” Elisa placed a gentle hand on your back, rubbing circles as if she was trying to expel the malaise there.

“Ladybug, I appreciate the concern, really, and I may be no athlete but I can do this, thank you very much.”

Elisa raised her brow at you, clearly unconvinced, before she muttered deliberately loud enough for you to hear, her tone excessively dry. “Yeah? At this rate, by the time we get to the beach, the sun will be gone.”

Despite your state, a laugh bubbled from your throat when Alexia flicked Elisa’s arm who yelped dramatically, scaring a couple of birds to flight from a nearby tree, before she grinned and stuck her tongue out at Alexia. 

“Be nice,” Alexia reprimanded but the quirk at the corner of her lips betrayed the seriousness of her tone, clearly amused. 

Elisa grumbled as she rubbed her arm, “I’m not the one who’s making her laugh! If she passes out, it’s on you.” 

Ignoring Elisa’s point, Alexia reached out and rubbed your arm in a soothing manner, speaking softly, “But really, love, if you can’t go on, we’ll just Uber there.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m fine.” You grunted, letting a bit of your annoyance bleed in your tone, but you appreciated the thought behind their concern nonetheless. It was just, Alexia and Elisa’s protectiveness exceeded that of Derek’s–a feat in and of itself–and no matter how much you tried to assuage their doubts, they still hovered. And the only way to stop it was to let them know you were vexed. Then you added with a huff, “You two just have such ridiculous stamina. It’s not fair.”

“Alright, as long as you say so.” Alexia said, taking your answer in stride by putting her hands up as if in surrender. But then she smirked, adding in a low tone, “And it’s well earned, my love.”

Your brows raised, both surprised and pleased with the innuendo, before you smirked back and spoke in the same tone as she did. “And so you say.”

The moment was broken when Elisa let out a mixture between a sigh and a groan. 

“No offense, but if you guys are done flirting, could we please get a move on? We’re about to lose daylight.”

At that, the three of you started again, Elisa taking the lead as Alexia fell into pace beside you. Then Alexia turned to you, mischief clear in the gleam in her eyes, and she muttered, “Remind me to tease her the next time Camilo comes over, hm?”

“I heard that!”

Much to Elisa’s delight, the three of you arrived at the beach with just enough time to spare before the sun began to set. You got off your bikes and began to lead it by your sides as the three of you began to walk the length of the shore.

Apart from a handful of people strolling about, the beach was barren today, and the lack of a crowd made the place more peaceful to you. And as buried your toes further into the pleasantly lukewarm sand, as you took in the breeze delivered home by the waves which carried a breath of freshness and a promise of another good day in the morrow, you regarded the sun, in her blazing glory, painting the skies with one last glimpse of her radiance.

Enraptured by the sight, you stopped and rested your bike against your thigh, rummaged through your bag for your camera to capture it. Once done, you turned to Alexia and Elisa who were farther along now, seemingly so immersed in their conversation that they hadn’t noticed you’d lagged behind. You watched them, their figures half bathed in the titian brilliance of the setting sun which made their shadows stretch long along the shoreline, and the sight stirred emotions in your chest that you felt compelled to capture them as they were: Alexia with her arm across Elisa’s back, one hand on Elisa’s broadening shoulder, while both of their bikes rested on their outer legs. As you were looking through the viewfinder, you saw Elisa’s bike fall to its side as Elisa wrapped her arms around Alexia, alarming you at first before you saw the scene as it was. You didn’t dare approach them; the moment, you perceived, was too tender for such an intrusion so you remained where you were, capturing the scene with your camera for safekeeping. 

Shortly after, they walked back towards you in silence. Alexia’s gaze remained casted down as she tried to subtly brush her tears away with the back of her hand but when she caught your gaze, she knew you knew, but instead of asking about it, you only gave her an understanding smile–she’d tell you when she was ready. But Elisa, much as she tried, had always struggled with keeping her countenance free from emotions–a stark contrast to Alexia who, from years of practice, could school her features to faultless stoicism in a moment–and couldn’t deter the somberness from showing on her face for when she smiled at you as if to pacify you, her lips remained crooked with telltale signs of her affliction, chin trembling. The sight tugged at your heart, as it always did whenever you saw any of them this way, so you reached and cupped her cheek, brushing your thumb under her eye to try and soothe her. Elisa closed her eyes at your touch and when she opened them again, the weight in them looked lighter, and you smiled.

As the last traces of the sun sank under the horizon, you loaded your bikes on the rack attached to Elisa’s car which you parked there earlier that day, and Elsia drove up the mountain you just rode down on so she could drop you both off at Alexia’s car. Once there, Elisa helped you unload your bikes from her car and transfer it to the other car, and then it was time for goodbyes.

Alexia had to crane her neck up slightly so she could rest her chin against Elisa’s shoulder as they hugged. Alexia kissed her cheek, then patted her on the back as she said, “Drive safe, love. And don’t be late tomorrow.”

“I will and got it, Coach. I love you.” 

You stepped in next, kissing Elisa, too, on the cheek as she stooped down to wrap her arms around you. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow, ladybug. I love you. Be safe.”

“See you, Mom, and I love you, too.”

With that, the glow from the taillights of Elisa’s car receded into the darkness while the both of you got into Alexia’s car, heading for home. The ride was quiet except from the music that came from the radio, the volume so low it was almost like a hum, as Alexia drove with a steady hand, her face impassive but her eyes disclosed she was anything but serene.

Still, you held your tongue.

You had chipped away at Alexia’s emotional wall over the years you’d known her, enough that she now allowed herself to be vulnerable around you without being prompted to open up, but there were still instances which required patience, moments that asked for time until she was ready to come to you. And this was one of those times.

It didn’t worry you too much, though. The both of you had agreed to never let anything go unsaid–to never let things fester–until the next morning, so you gave her space now to mull things over.

Later that night, as expected, after spending the majority of the evening in her office, she greeted you with a soft murmur of your name, taking your hand and kissing the back of it as she settled on her side of the bed, drawing your attention away from the book you were reading. 

“Are you ready to talk about it now?” You asked softly, putting your book aside on the bedside table, shifting against the pillow you were propped on so you could see her better. The angle of the light casted shadows on her face and made the lines that time etched on her face more prominent, and it made her look more inviting; her earthly beauty made more resplendent.

The question that came was spoken with the faintest of air.

“What do you see when you look at me?”

At first, the question confounded you and for a moment, you were at a loss for words to answer her. But as you continued to regard her with an even more careful eye, you found a silent vulnerability in her eyes, so heartrendingly delicate, a rare look you only saw whenever she talked about–Oh.

Oh, Alexia…

Emotions surged through you, chest tightening as it ached with your lover; as it ached for the pain and grief that will forever live with her–for the love in her that had nowhere to go, permanently in search for a beloved soul.

Gently, you cradled her face in your hands, soaking in every feature, every freckle, every blemish and every line. You carded your fingers through her hair, consoling, then you traced her brow with the pad of your thumb before you kissed her temple and lingered there, then the skin just beneath her eye, then the bridge of her nose, and then the corner of her lips.

“I see… everything that makes you,” you breathed out, voice trembling under the weight of your emotions. “Your mother’s brows and the color of her eyes… the shape of your father’s eyes, his nose, his smile. Their love lives in your skin and it’s all you, Alexia. I see you. Oh, how I see you.”

At your words, Alexia’s face broke: her lips trembled, brows furrowing, while tears streamed down her cheeks. Then she dropped her head to your shoulder, a sob leaving her throat as she clung to you and you held her just as tight.

“I miss him.” Alexia choked out, “God, I miss him so much. It’s been so long and yet it still feels like I only just lost him today.”

Oh, the familiar paroxysms of grief. Most days, you remained untouched by their shadows but the intensity by which they instill the pain of loss when they did get you, how they stretch that empty space in your heart into an abyss filled with teeth, was something else entirely. Agonizing, yes, but it was also a bittersweet repose for it served as a reminder of who loved you and who you loved. 

The moment that followed was spent in silence, apart from the soft stutter of Alexia’s breaths.

“I told Elisa that her parents would be proud of her, that I wish I could meet them and tell them all about how their daughter turned out to be this wonderful person. And you know what she said?” Alexia laughed, teary and voice hoarse. “She told me she wished she could meet Papá but at the same time, she felt like she already had. She told me I look just like him.” 

“You do. And he’d be so proud of you, you know?” You whispered as your own tears fell while you gripped her hand in yours. “And I wish I could’ve met him, too, and Elisa’s.”

Alexia lifted her head so she could look at you, murmuring softly, “And I wished I could’ve met yours, too.”

Through the night, you exchanged whispered stories of the past as you held each other, shedding tears at Alexia’s recollections, laughing at the memories. But how sad it was that loss made your shadows long, all three of you? And how beautiful it was that one’s capacity for love–though at times could stray or waver–could never truly be lost even after a deprivation from the loss of a source? But wasn’t that how lives intertwine? Through shared suffering? Through the bitter grief and the sweetest joy? And wasn’t it where lives intertwined that love bloomed? And in this world of shadows–in these long, seemingly endless nights–warmth and light were all the more precious, and love… Love was both of those things and more: it was an enduring flame, so quintessentially human, an evermore of the sublimest kind.

Love was never lost, you knew this. Life would end but love would always remain; it did long before you, and it would continue on long after you. 

But you were here, in love, loved, and alive. Could you ask for something better than this state of grace?

The answer echoed in clarity in your mind long before Alexia’s comforting warmth and the gentle beat of her heart had lulled you to sleep.

No.

Nothing could ever come close to this. 

Tomorrow came with a splendid radiance, casting everything in a golden tone likened to that of a developed photograph which made the colors vibrant and inviting; the kind that promised that the memories made today would be looked fondly back on in one’s recollections. Waking up to the sight of Alexia in your arms made today all the more brighter for she held the vision to what the world had to offer; all the beauty and warmth in this world began and ended with her.

True to her words, Elisa appeared on the porch first thing in the morning. You opened the door for her, which also revealed her hand intertwined with Camilo's, who looked on devotedly at you daughter as she stepped into Alexia’s embrace, and then yours.

The three of you had prepared most of the things yesterday before you went cycling, but there was still much to do before the hour came for the others to arrive. So, the four of you paired up and went to work. Alexia and Elisa were delegated to setting up outside, while you and Camilo set up inside.

Your attention flitted to the two of them outside as you cooked but before the end of the hour, they’d finish installing the extension roof over the open gazebo, had moved and arranged the tables and chairs, and finished spreading a light blue linen over the tables before laying a strip of folded fabric of a lighter color in the middle. As for you and Camilo, you’d about finished with the arròs negre and the fideuà when Alexia and Elisa came in.

They stepped into the kitchen to grab the plates, glasses, and utensils laid on the counter–but not before Alexia snuck in a sweet kiss on your cheek, a diversion, you thought, so she could steal a spoonful of the fideuà; Elisa, too, grabbed a bite to eat which was fed to her with gentle affection by her lover–which they then arranged on the table.

After a moment of tending to the food, you looked through the opening that gave a view outside and saw the two setting up the party games for the kids. In an act true to their professions, they’d began setting up Elisa’s old folding goal posts, the backyard expansive enough to accommodate them, even sneaking in a couple of juggles and shots after they’d inflated a handful of balls.

(When Alexia caught your eye, she rubbed the back of her neck, putting a hand up in apology–Elisa laughed but she immediately shut her mouth to a bashful smile when your eyes flitted to her–before the both of them returned to their task.)

You watched Camilo in awe as he worked on the coca bread, empanadas, and ensaimadas all at once while you started on the esqueixada. Although you’d seen more of his intricate works, it wasn’t the first time you caught yourself amazed by the skills and work ethics of the aspiring patissier. After the last batch of pastry was put in the oven, the first of your guests arrived.

To your surprise–but not really for you had held enough family gatherings to expect it–you and Alexia’s immediate families came first, more than an hour early, and Elisa was greeted and congratulated as Eli, Alba, your mom, Derek and Robert, and their two-year-old daughter, Olivia, passed the door Elisa had opened for them. 

And in typical fashion, their maternal instincts kicked in and Eli and your mom gathered around the kitchen, looking over the food, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at them as they fussed over you, not with malice, until you playfully shooed them away.

“Honestly, we can hold down the fort here. Right, Camilo?”

Camilo, bless his shy and gentle soul, flushed, darkening the olive complexion of his cheeks, as he just nodded in agreement. 

You stuck your thumb to the direction of the back field and said, “The two outside, however, might need a little help.”

At that, you heard an offended, “Hey!” 

(It was Alexia.)

But your mom, Eli, and Alba proceeded to the back, placating the pouting Alexia with a hug, and they chatted and caught up while they helped Alexia with the grill. 

About half an hour later, Mapi and Ingrid arrived with Anton–their toddler of one and a half years old–asleep in Mapi’s arms. Alexia’d welcomed them in, embracing her old teammates, which roused Anton from his sleep. When Mapi set him down, he blinked around, taking in his surroundings with his big eyes, and when they settled on Olivia, he giggled and stuck his tiny hands out, recognising a familiar, friendly face. 

Olivia and Anton played in the living under Ingrid and Derek’s supervision, the two of them chatting on the couch, while Mapi and Robert came over to check on you and Camilo. They then headed out into the back and shortly after, laughter filtered inside and when you looked through the yawning, Robert was gesturing wildly in the air, and, you believed, he’d started telling one of his intricately conceived comedies to his audience.

When Ingrid and Derek brough Anton and Olivia outside, Eli and your mom–as was the tendency of grandparents presented with children–fussed over the little ones, cooing and awwing at their slightest movement. You stopped what you were doing to take in the warm scene, so distracted were you that you didn’t feel Alexia’s presence until she’d wrapped an arm around your waist as she placed a kiss on your temple.

You sighed, leaning into her touch, but you remembered you’d been in the kitchen for the last couple of hours. So, you pushed her away gently with your shoulder, whining, “Stop, I smell like food.”

To your chagrin, Alexia turned you around with enough force to make you squeal, before she made a show of burrowing her nose in the crook of your neck, breathing in loudly, and the movement tickled a giggle from your lips.

“Alexia!” You smacked her shoulder playfully, still laughing. “Stop, seriously, I smell horrible!”

“Oh, really? I can’t really tell. You smell delicious all the same.” She muttered against your ear, a hand splayed just over the bottom of your right rib. The statement made you flush in spite of yourself, your body too in tune with her wiles and you found yourself stepping closer to her before you remembered where you were.

“Alexia, our mothers are literally right there, don’t start.” You warned her under your breath, glancing where said persons were sitting beneath the shade of the gazebo, doting over the little ones.

“Fine,” sighed Alexia, pouting, but she took the ladle from you anyway, kissing you on the cheek. “Go freshen up and I’ll look after the food.”

“Thank you. I’ll be quick so you can shower before the rest gets here.” 

You pecked her on the lips, grateful, and just when you thought she’d finally stopped with her shenanigans, a mischievous gleam glazed over her eyes and Alexia said with a suggestive half-smile.

“Or I can always join you? You know, to save water and all that.” She spoke it in a smug way, like someone who was pleased at having said the last words. And you were about to reprimand her again until you remembered something. When Alexia got like this, there was only one way to go about it: to play her game. 

So you looked at her, making sure you dropped your lids just enough–the change in your demeanor instantly noticed by the way she stilled, staring at you with wide eyes and bated breath–and you stepped into her space, trailing a finger from her chest to her collarbone before you wrapped your arms loosely around her neck, going on your tiptoes and craning your neck forward until your lips brushed her ear.

“Keep that up and you won’t get any tonight.” You whispered low. You didn’t miss the way she shivered against you and you relished it. “You do want to take me, don’t you?” 

Alexia nodded, as if on autopilot, her figure stiff.

“Okay. So, play nice until I get back, yeah?” 

Alexia croaked out an agreement and, satisfied, you pulled back, taking in Alexia’s appearance, her pupils now blown and a delicious crimson streak had painted her cheeks, lips now slightly parted. With one last peck to her lips, you fled the kitchen. 

When you passed the living room to get to the stairs, you saw Mapi and Derek sitting on the couch, and, upon seeing you, their lips curled into a knowing smirk, and Derek–the jerk–had the audacity to wag his brows at you. 

“I think you broke her.” Mapi wheezed out while Derek clapped a hand on his thigh as he laughed. Your cheeks flushed and you ducked your head as you flew up the stairs.

After immersing yourself in a much needed cold shower, you headed down to the kitchen and relieved Alexia–who was still more than a little dazed when you got back to her– from her kitchen duty with a placating kiss on the cheek so she could freshen up herself. Half an hour later saw you and Camilo, and with a little help from Derek and Alba, finished with moving most of the food to the table outside, just in time as most of your guests arrived.

One minute there were only a handful of people lounging in the backyard, the next the space was lively with music and the sound of amiable company; the chatter from friends and family. The lunch commenced and after the toast for Elisa’s recent signing under Barçelona Femeni’s First Division, Elisa stood to thank everyone for coming. And then, she turned to you and Alexia, who wrapped an arm around your waist, steady and strong.

“To my mom and Coach,” Elisa’s deliberate emphasis drew laughter from everyone, while Alexia raised her brow, lips quirking in amusement at the light jibe.

“To my mom and Mamá,” Elisa corrected herself, and she proceeded with a choked voice, eyes reddening, “I am forever grateful for what you’ve done for me. For all your love, your continued support and comfort, and for believing in me. I love you. I love you so much.” 

You clasped a hand over your own lips in fear that a sob would escape them but tears spilled down your face all the same, and you gripped Alexia’s hand on your hip as your chest filled with love. When you turned to Alexia, her lips were pressed in a thin line, chin trembling, as she tried to keep the tears at bay, her eyes, like yours, shone with pride. 

And so there you were, much later, under the shade of one of the trees in the backyard, nursing a glass of something stronger than champagne–Mojito to be exact–regarding the scene before you with a warmness that, you knew, transcended that of the sun’s.

Elisa was in jovial conversation with her friends and Ingrid–football related, you supposed, by the way Ingrid gestured in the air and the way her juniors were listening attentively; Camilo engaged in what seemed to be an interview by your mom and Eli–for recipes, most likely–while Derek and Lucía–Irene’s wife–looked on them with amused expressions as the both of them talked; Mapi and Robert partook in a game of football as goalkeepers on opposite teams: Mapi, Mateo, and Olivia against Robert, Gabriel–Irene and Lucía’s second son, Mateo’s junior of three years–and Anton; Alexia and Irene, meanwhile, stood to one side, their hands clasped behind their backs, as they stood a vigilant watch over the children, commenting on the game with a light tone, exclaiming and clapping their hands every now, true to their profession. 

The air was filled with glee, painting the atmosphere with a lightness of not only of the physical sense, but also of being that you couldn’t help but reminisce.

Alexia retired from football about two years prior but, as expected, the sport was never really done with her–or her with it. So, the Number Eleven jersey may have been put away, but Coach Alexia Putellas was very much involved with the growth of new Blaugrana bloods, involving herself with–and quite capably–developing and guiding Barça’s youth team. Although she was called to lead the Spanish Women’s National Football Team, after their years of continuous fighting for reform, Alexia rejected the offer for–in her own words–her heart belonged to Barcelona, leaving the responsibility to fall on Irene’s shoulders who had accomplished plenty in the short time she’d managed the team.

You, on the other hand, flourished in sport photography, accompanying Alexia or Elisa in most of their matches as per your contract with the club. But you were still very much part of the firm you and Derek built, larger now, involving yourself in its internal affairs and, if necessary, partaking in the journalistic side of things.

Speaking of, after Derek and Robert moved in together somewhere in your home city–even more so after Olivia was born–he gave you this Barcelona house despite your deep insistence that you’d buy it from him, but not without saying a little side remark, ‘You guys did the nasty there already. Keep it.’

You’d always wondered where home was, but now, as you took in the scene before you, and even more when you beheld the woman walking towards you, you knew, in your heart, where it was.

When she got to you, Alexia took your hand, lifted it, and she twirled you around gently, taking your glass from your other hand and placing it on a nearby surface. And as you stopped, she stepped into the space behind you, wrapping her arms around your waist as the both of you settled to a gentle sway in time with the music. 

“What are you doing back here all by yourself?” She asked beside your ear but not before she pressed a chaste kiss on the side of your head. 

“Just thinking.” You murmured, closing your eyes for a moment to better savor the feel of her body, strong and gentle.

Alexia hummed, you felt the rumble of it from her chest before you heard it right beside your ear, melodic, before she pressed  a kiss on your bare shoulder. “About what, my love?” 

“This. Us.” You lifted one of her hands, brushed your lips over her knuckles. “You.”

“All good things, I hope?”

“With you? Always.”

The both of you swayed and simply watched the scene in silence for a moment. Then a thought occurred to you but as you were about to voice it, Alexia beat you to it. 

“The kids, they grow up so fast.” Alexia said in a wistful tone.

“They do. I still can’t believe Elisa turned 18 this year.”

Alexia sighed, “Oh, to be young again.”

You snickered. “You make it sound like we’re so much older. And it’s not that bad, is it?”

“No, not really.” A pause, then, “But that’s less time left loving you both.”

The softness of her answer wasn’t lost to you and your mind went to the conversation you had just the night before and your heart ached, so full with your love for this woman. You leaned back, enough that you could feel the way her heart beat through her shirt, and you squeezed her hand. 

You turned your head so you could rest your forehead against the line of her jaw, closing your eyes as you sighed, “You know, you say and do these things that make me fall in love with you all over again.”

“Good. I’d like to keep it that way.” Alexia murmured. “And I will never stop loving you. You’re my person, always. I did tell you, didn’t I?”

The memory of white fabric, white petals thrown in a line between the pew chairs, trembling hands; the way the sun light shone on Alexia’s light brown hair and spun gold in them, her hazel eyes glassy and earnest and filled with so much love, and then, her words of promise; of always and forever.

She’d taken your right hand into the open palm of her left, a twin set of silver bands that rested on the fourth finger of each hand glinting in the late afternoon sun, as she pressed further into you, her cheek now resting against your temple. With your other hand, you cradled hers, tracing the coolness of the metal on her finger with your thumb.

Then you whispered, “I love you, Alexia. So much.”

“And I love you, my wife.”

And just like all the times you’d heard it, you shivered all the same.

“I’ll never tire of hearing that.” You admitted as you turned in the embrace, immediately wrapping your arms loosely around Alexia’s neck after, fingers gently playing with her hair as you looked into those resplendent and doting eyes. And you asked just barely above a whisper, “Can you say it again?”

She brushed a strand behind your ear, tracing the line of your brow before her hands settled on your hips, eyes now lidded with even more affection.

“Ask me who I am.” Alexia said in the same tone, leaning close that you could feel the brush of her lips over yours.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Alexia,” she whispered, and then she added with a smile.

“Your wife.”

And then, you kissed her.

[pwblogarchive]

May 2009

May 24, 2009

“varnish on the table that will last longer than us all…”

in my asymmetrical and non-linear understanding (misunderstanding of) the past few years are only like a dog who bites someones hand. its reflex, by the time the newspaper is swatted at it, its too late the dogs has forgotten everything but shame and self defeat- but not the why. so tail between the legs we circle the yard we just want to come back inside where we can hear the laughs and cheers of the people world going on with out us. its not everything thats different that makes us tick, its the way we hold on to the normal parts of us. we need them most. they are the processing drive that essentially keeps us alive. we need society so that we can sit just at the edge of it and critique it but every once in awhile we need to sneak in and warm ourselves on the fire. there is a grace to rolling, to the perfect spiral. but there is no grace in going end over end. its an amusement park ride at best- but at worst it is light and dark, dawn and dusk, spinning end over end so fast that it becomes a blur. the great black sadness poison and beaks and all and the warming sun just become the same. its that lithium point. the drooling effect. zombie. been going through kitchens and back doors for awhile now, so youd never know. feel like im walking around with a sign on my back of some kind. every one i know wants to take me in, to pull me aside for that all important conversation where i figure me out- we pull out of perspective- maybe i dont want to figure me out. maybe every time you thank me, i feel like ive pulled the rug out from under you. every time you curse me, i quietly applaud because you know what? maybe youre right. maybe they all are. snag. hit a snag. always do. turn over a new leaf, fuck it turn over the whole tree. itll be a new day all the bodies hanging from the branches will be buried in beautiful ceremonies. and besides well finally have roots. something to dig in to. ive forgotten most everyone i ever cared for if they dont keep tabs on me. not saying that should come as much of a surprise its just me. i dont want to clear up any confusion. i dont want to clarify black or white, im totally entranced with the idea of remaining gray. and if my eyes pour its just for the garden that is its lashes. nothing more. cause really its just that newspaper swat and i couldnt remember for the life of me what ive done or where ive been thats got me shaking to my karmic bone. the "h.m.s. sinking" feeling is sneaking up on me. thats what you get in open waters, right? royal navy to the crown prince of pointlessness. you got addicted to the blur. its the stage. its the plane. its the kiss. its the strut. and when it all slows down its just you in a room so dark you cant even tell how big it is. been asleep so long ive forgotten my name. stumble. the night has a plan. if not the night has a point: "if you cant remember it why would you ever miss the blur?" think of all the in-betweens. knuckles numb from the walls youve puched, knees buckling from all the legs youve loved. all the toasts weve made. all the hugs. blow past the exit sign. the exist sign. were ticking. were wicks sparking....

May 28, 2009

“what do you want to call it?”

i got that midnight tennis elbow

the solitaire rugburn

took a turn (an ace up my sleeve)

i want to choke (u)

and get sick off of you like secondhand smoke

ya got me sweating like calcutta nights

such a sweet epiphany

i am a wing

i am a prayer

a thimble and an acorn

a promise from a poor apocathary- to an understudy in love forlorn

ill give you heatstroke

im getting you and im losing me

wed get legendary lil darlin, uh huh lil darlin

but ive got a nomadic head

i love ya but ive caught the doom and the dread

[evamoere]

A confession - after years

hey ovra, how you doing lately? havent heard from you for long and im sure im missing out a lottt

i think weve talked about our past a lot right bhahah and everytime we done that i felt extremely warmth so today tonight let me enjoy that for a moment, i wanted to get back to the past for just a bit more :)

we meet on a random quite night at engrp that time, i clearly remember i was just get into this world and trying to fit in badly i started sending bio a couple times and somehow somewhat i cant recall the memories about who reach one of us frist but im sure the thing that we talked about was music all the time. things were going smoothly we getting close we glued to each other so bad we goin thru downhill for years but here we are, we make it. even though it isnt that easy even though at the end we were nothing, just kind of accept each other the way we are.

but today perhaps id break your heart in the most painful way. all these time i wonder will i ever find a language to speak of the things that haunt me the most..now i have, i have found it. you remember when we decided to exchange each others real life identity? at that time i was really really excited and scared. im happy that id finally got to know you more and yeah im scared worried and anxious. idek what should i say to you about me, i clearly know that lying was not a good solution to make you stay but what can i do? im to scared to lose you im afraid id lose everything just because im trying to be my self. so then i decided to told you that yes i am the man that u wanted all along.

not a single word can explain my heart without yours. i go to bed and fall asleep wishing you were here all the time. yet i know u can only appear in my dreams. we’re happy in them. we can dance in the kitchen as much as we can we can read book together in the floor we can watch the show together we can stare to eachother’s eyes as much as we wanted too. my heart physically aches without your soul and my mind is full of the words i never got to say. the words i wish i can kiss onto your lips and engrave into your skin. i love you more than my body can take, for everytime i hear your name my heart breaks all over again. i think of you hundred and hundred times in a day. I suffer in my loving i hope you understand.

"My greatest pain is that you never got to know me and never wanted to know me."

what is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. i feel miserable ever since it takes me a while to gave you my ‘own’ picture, name and things cause i think about it more and more and yeah i told you that i was the boy from jogja who happened to live with her grand mother. i mean its all true the lies is that i was a boy and i ride a big big motorcycle daily. honestly i only use it a couple times cause it was my bff’s thing. remember the boy who i send it picture to you? it also was my bestfriend. the same damned person. cause you know i had no idea of who other person i should be.

pretending to be a guy was never easy for me, i feel like i was hurting my own pride and it breaks my heart in many ways cause man i swore i to you i wanted to be free free to tell you how my days really went thru how my friendships was really like i want you to know all of me but theres a wall that i made it self wich prevent me to be myself. i loved you like no other so i dont know where i went wrong my heart still yearns for you, the place that i belong.

for a long time i wanted you to know about me, and today the day has come.. i dont know how to feel about it. but the only thing i surely feel is relived. to be free is often to be lonely, this haunted me all the time.

i may not be that expressive, but i want to thank u for being my comfort person. you've been there for me when no one else was. you became more than everything that I've ever asked for, there is no one better than you because you bring the best in me, you became my home, my rest, my solace. you've helped me get through some tough times without u knowing it. you've been there listening to my rants and struggles without you invalidating my feelings. I really value and appreciate you more than u'll ever know. and if at some point, I'm gonna lose you, i will still be grateful.

because once upon a time, i had u by my side. and that's all that matters.

letting you ‘go’ was probably the hardest decision i ever made knowing well how much I still love you and how much i want "us" to work.

i know that i am ruined and that im ruining others.…. i am i am a bad person. please hate me i would like that more than being left in silent.

[just-some-random-blogger]

'VALENTINES DAY IS A CAPITALISM PLOT' YEY DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY!!!! good morning, my love, lets go riot! 'what if i dont' well... then dont.... 'HA HELP?' I MEANT THE DRESS TT 'i was ont he brink of tears' oooh poor girl TT im so sorry for your headache TT you did great with that fic. i never read it bc i had no mood for pedro but im sure. i trust you and your readers. youre amazing and funny so its the only logical way. 'NOW 7AM SUNLIGHT BURNS' got some freezy hugs from me idk TT 'a child i never understood...' well recently i heard two girls in the kindergarten giggling after hearing 'bare soul' and was like?? its really only the society that makes a big deal out of .. everything? any part of human being and life.. 'but i love you' and i love you so i say you should write it only if you want. you dont have to do it. 'i did 😗🍵👌' youre a catgrandmom now 'WHY IS HE CRINGE NOW' i never watched vampire academy and dont judge your taste. you can like danila however you want. and maybe back in 2014 it was indeed good. but i know his russian works. and i know his present works. and 1) most of them are cringey 2) hes cringey 3) hes done many other cringey things. though its not only his works or personality that made him a meme here. hes just a meme? somehow weve come to this and i love this. good for danila. a pretty name. and a pretty person, he makes money with his cringe after all. 'YOU WHINY BABY' i am. 'SHE IS DAEMONS FIRST WIFE THE ONE AND THE ONLY' Yey sounds like the victory! 'he’s technically also not wrong' nah hes wrong bc 1) HE doesnt consider himself the first 2) man. 'change my mind about who yn ends up with' in my mind hes lonely and he ends up heartbroken with his brother who finally came to his senses, watching the wedding with the bitterness in the smile and the great pain. 'im going to add that' such an honour TT 'let me finish this fic in 5 parts dammit' go ahead. dont forbid you anything. go ahead. ill gladly read. 'you know that married member in BigBang?' GHDKDOLHHG ok mental health cutie. i got u. thanks<з yk i like witchy playlists VERY much. ive just found this. and i dont understand if its the authors au or smth but. u feel how accurate it seems with daemon?... like my witch au wasnt abt it. its definately another thing. but imagine another witch au. where daemon is no prince but a narcissistic demon. and a witch loves him unconditionally and selfishly. hes the rouge prince of his own, he does whatever he wants and have as many women as he want. and she know it, it doesnt matter though. bc she love the feeling of love, she loves the fact of feeling something for such a powerful and one of a kind creature. theyre acquaintances and hes totally aware of her love, he relishes in it. he flirts with her and she responds in kind with no hesitation or embarrassment. and they both are just perfectly fine with this. it may sound foolish or not making any sense but i love relationships with no logic TT that are absolutely chaotic and incomprehensible for anyone outside of the dynamic. sorry i just got inspired a little. tbh i liked only the first song of the playlist... and its not exactly the mood i have about this dynamic but nvm. also i love the trope with the relationship bound to end from the very first moment. and it is the one of those i told about. a reader meets daemon in essos/another place he travels to during his exile. and its the love at first sight. and both of them knows he wont stay and she wont come with him. so they enjoy the very 2 or 3 months they have. thats all i wanted to say. besides 5 other ideas i had💀 maybe at weekends... maybe... hope your week is alright, you eat well !!! and drink enough water. have a nice day/evening/night! love u! take care<з

HELLO <3 MY MING MIMG MIMGING MIGMGNIGNMIGMNGMIGN

i was bummed out i couldnt write anything so i didnt reply to you though i read this moment i saw it. sorry

'VALENTINES DAY IS A CAPITALISM PLOT' YEY DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY!!!!

good morning, my love, lets go riot!

damn i just woke up i dont want to riot i want to write and finish my assignments

'what if i dont' well... then dont....

T_T HAHHAH

'HA HELP?' I MEANT THE DRESS TT

ahhhh ok AHHAHHAHAHHAHAH T_ HAHAHAHH

'i was ont he brink of tears' oooh poor girl TT im so sorry for your headache TT you did great with that fic. i never read it bc i had no mood for pedro but im sure. i trust you and your readers. youre amazing and funny so its the only logical way.

T_T i have been wanting to write but i find myself unable to T_T you dont have to say sorry to me but i do want to tell you that idk... i usually write every other day or every day and yet i havent written in 2 days lol T_T i mean i know i dont owe anyone anything but T_T T_T idk i feel like im letting people down /: i know im not but /: my brain. my brain man

'NOW 7AM SUNLIGHT BURNS' got some freezy hugs from me idk TT

thank you <3

'a child i never understood...' well recently i heard two girls in the kindergarten giggling after hearing 'bare soul' and was like?? its really only the society that makes a big deal out of .. everything? any part of human being and life..

T_T BARE SOUL HAHAHHAHAHAHA T_T AHAHHAAHAHAHAH thats cute. society is fucking weird and L

'but i love you' and i love you so i say you should write it only if you want. you dont have to do it.

T_T but i love you. i love you so much and if i cant do this if i cant make art what am i T_T this is why im tryna make another cover song soon. i have to keep making art. i cant stop

'i did 😗🍵👌' youre a catgrandmom now

T_T it be like that

'WHY IS HE CRINGE NOW' i never watched vampire academy and dont judge your taste. you can like danila however you want. and maybe back in 2014 it was indeed good. but i know his russian works. and i know his present works. and 1) most of them are cringey 2) hes cringey 3) hes done many other cringey things. though its not only his works or personality that made him a meme here. hes just a meme? somehow weve come to this and i love this. good for danila. a pretty name. and a pretty person, he makes money with his cringe after all.

i want to say that i want to be a meme if i ever become a celebrity T_T BUT it has to be like funny haha meme not omg CRINGE meme. anyway i do love his name sm sososossosos much and hes pretty cute. and yes he makes money off his cringe so good for him HAHAHHAH

'YOU WHINY BABY' i am.

/: why didnt you put an episode number so i can watch. should i start in the first ep of matt smith? but i also kinda wanted to watch david tennant

'SHE IS DAEMONS FIRST WIFE THE ONE AND THE ONLY' Yey sounds like the victory!

lol if thats what it sounds like to you <3

'he’s technically also not wrong' nah hes wrong bc 1) HE doesnt consider himself the first 2) man.

#2 HAHAHHHAHAHAHAH. i mean just because #1 he doesnt consider himself the man doesnt make it less true

'change my mind about who yn ends up with' in my mind hes lonely and he ends up heartbroken with his brother who finally came to his senses, watching the wedding with the bitterness in the smile and the great pain.

very logical. i hate logic. im going to give him a shot. a fair shot

'im going to add that' such an honour TT

<3

'let me finish this fic in 5 parts dammit' go ahead. dont forbid you anything. go ahead. ill gladly read.

T_T thank you <3

'you know that married member in BigBang?' GHDKDOLHHG ok mental health cutie. i got u. thanks<з

T_T AHAHHA 1000000000000$ cutie

yk i like witchy playlists VERY much. ive just found this. and i dont understand if its the authors au or smth

i think it is.

but. u feel how accurate it seems with daemon?... like my witch au wasnt abt it. its definately another thing. but imagine another witch au. where daemon is no prince but a narcissistic demon. and a witch loves him unconditionally and selfishly. hes the rouge prince of his own, he does whatever he wants and have as many women as he want. and she know it, it doesnt matter though. bc she love the feeling of love, she loves the fact of feeling something for such a powerful and one of a kind creature. theyre acquaintances and hes totally aware of her love, he relishes in it. he flirts with her and she responds in kind with no hesitation or embarrassment. and they both are just perfectly fine with this. it may sound foolish or not making any sense but i love relationships with no logic TT that are absolutely chaotic and incomprehensible for anyone outside of the dynamic. sorry i just got inspired a little.

ok. i like this prompt. i will try to write it because i feel like i cant write anything rn T_T if i cant write this rn T_T then i guess i cant.

i really like how you made daemon in this. a demon a selfish demon its so canon and poor bb girl witch who loves him no matter what T_T fuck off i hate men i kinda want to write it. but also ??? T_T sounds tiring

idk i havent been able to write. i have so many things i want to write but i cant T_T i need a cleanse fic. a fic only i thought about and i need to go wild

tbh i liked only the first song of the playlist... and its not exactly the mood i have about this dynamic but nvm.

LOL HAHHAH im in class right now but i'll listen to it later

also i love the trope with the relationship bound to end from the very first moment. and it is the one of those i told about. a reader meets daemon in essos/another place he travels to during his exile. and its the love at first sight. and both of them knows he wont stay and she wont come with him. so they enjoy the very 2 or 3 months they have.

oh no i love this too T_T <3 you've got such a beautiful brain. i love you so much

thats all i wanted to say. besides 5 other ideas i had💀 maybe at weekends... maybe...

you should have told me all of them! i love hearing you speak or reading your words rather AHAHH. if i sound out of it, maybe i am my head hurts again. maybe its the heat AGAIN maybe im dehydrated fuck. but just tell me everything you want ok <3 i love you

hope your week is alright, you eat well !!! and drink enough water.

i will do my best <3. i hope you do too <3 take care of yourself ok i love you

have a nice day/evening/night! love u! take care<з

i love you so much i hope i feel better this sucks i love you <3

xxx

[thebigqueer]

omg new year new fun tag game. ty for the tag!! this looks fun

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

49 currently but i have deleted or orphaned some so it could be more than that

2. what’s your total AO3 word count?

187454

3. what fandoms do you write for?

only riordanverse. i’ve considered writing for adventure time but i just don’t have enough passion for it

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Soft Touches in the Darkness (valgrace one shot)

moonlight (valgrace one shot)

Promise? (solangelo one shot)

Lost Voices (solangelo tartarus fic)

Secrets Uncovered in the Firelight (solangelo one shot)

5. do you respond to comments?

no cuz i’m shy 😭 but i do sometimes if someone’s comment is particularly exciting or i like a take. i do always always appreciate the comments though they make me happy <333

6. fic with angstiest ending?

hmm… i would say Bottle the World (arcane au valgrace snippet) or Flaming Eyes (leo & jason)

7. fic with happiest ending?

probably New Year, Old Beginnings (valgrace secret santa au).

8. do you get hate on fics?

no not really. & i’m thankful for that!!

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

not publicly i don’t 🤭 but if you were to look through my docs there’s probably like one sexy piece with my ocs. idk if it counts as smut cuz they don’t actually do anything... it’s just toxic lesbian horny rage nothing really happens lol

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

i don’t really but i do have an arcane au. it’s not really a crossover i just kind of made up a plot for pjo characters based on the end of arcane lol. (arcane au snippets) WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED someone once asked me to do a (crackfic) she-ra & pjo crossover but i can't find the link unfortunately...

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don’t think so

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

nah

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes but weve only posted 2 before. all the other co-written fics never got finished unfortunately

14. what’s your all time favorite ship?

honestly i don't have one i think it really depends on my mood and what im reading at the moment.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ARCANE AU 😭 MY POOR ARCANE AU IM SORRY 😭 it's not that i wont write it its just that its never going to be coming out in full its all gonna be in one shots because i have 0 energy. also i had this one "immortal" au i tried writing a while ago and i still like the concept just not the characters i used at the time but i dont think ill write it again

16. what are your writing strengths?

i write a lot (as in my word counts are high per fic) but i dont really consider it a strength because i don't think length equates to the quality of a fic. a fic is good even if its short or long, and i like short fics more beacuse i feel like im feeling just as much in a shorter amount of time but other people might prefer long fics. its about what you write about and how you do it, not about length. ive also been told im pretty good at integrating introspection with dialogue but idk.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

also plot. it's like the fics that have a really dense and thought-out plot are the ones i never get to finish cuz i get too intimmidated after i finish planning them. i'll always plan them out in bullet points and then even when im almost done planning them out i just give up at the last minute and then never get them done lol. maybe one day i'll finally write something. i think if the plot isn't too dense then it's better off

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i think it's cool. i don't think i've done it yet but maybe i will one day.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson. it was a solangelo fic in first person on wattpad 💀 WAITT SCRATCH THAT. when i was in 2nd grade me & bff at the time LOVED the rainbow magic books so i think we wrote something that was similar in plot to that. that was a banger series

20. favorite fic you’ve written?

i really liked "Stay. For Once." (lost trio fic) because it was my first time writing something for the lost trio and even though looking back i might change some things i think i really loved writing about them & thinking about their dynamic. i also really liked "Stars Bursting Across His Lips" (valgrace one-shot) not because i actually like the fic itself that much but it was really fun to write cuz i think driving on a highway at night is the sexiest most erotic most romantic thing anyone can do. i dont think i have a true favorite though.

tagging: @crushing-on-nico-di-angelo @perachel-heretic and anyone else who wants to do it. no pressure though

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @mrv3000

1. how many works do you have on Ao3? 195

2. what's your total Ao3 word count? 403 068

3. what fandoms do you write for? percy jackson and the olympians, heroes of olympus, trials of apollo, kane chronicles, magnus chase and the gods of asgard, nevermoor, her royal highness, roots of chaos, x-men (films mostly but some comic bleedover), avatar the last airbender, the legend of korra, the kyoshi novels, marvel cinematic universe, bbc ghosts, a song of ice and fire, doctor who, the locked tomb, star wars (prequels mostly), spiderman comics, rosewood chronicles, derry girls, dc (vaguely, comics)

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

rot with all the burnouts in the cell (dc marvel crossover)

oh my brother, my brother, my brother (who have you become in the wake of all that's happened?) (star wars timetravel)

breezeblocks bricking up my heart (my take on a dadneto reveal)

water into wine (five times percy was the son of dionysus and one time he was the son of poseidon)

5. do you respond to comments? i do my best

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

that's relative and i have so many fics that this probably isn't accurate but by my own measure it's probably don't want to fight the tide (nevermoor fic, being immortal sucks)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

again that's relative but i'd say there's a million roads to rediscover (pjo/hoo five times jason missed his sister, and one time he saw her again)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

occasionally i get like smarmy comments like one on a certain fic that the timeline didn't line up (it did + i had page references + it was tagged canon divergence anyway) but not really

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have one so ig lesbian threesomes??

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i write so many crossovers i love putting characters in situations. probably rot with all the burnouts in the cell since it involved a ton of drama

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think one of them but i can't remember which one. (technically this is studying) i'm trying to translate a few of my drabbles into scots gaelic

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

in part like it got started and then i got ghosted before anything else happened

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

the couple i've written the most about is a tie between morridence, fierrochase, and jadie, but i'd say i get the most feelings about ruegard

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Great the Roman is coming up to its third year anniversary this month and i only hit the halfway point a few months ago so we'll see

16. What are your writing strengths?

lesbians. probably emotional stuff if i'm being serious

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot. its part of the reason i only do oneshots about 1k-3k but i'd like to work on more big fics. part of the reason was i started a bunch back in 2021 and i'm still working on two of them

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

one of my fics has some dialogue in scots gaelic but i cannot remember for the life of me if its supposed to be 'S ann or 'S e form and its haunting me

19. First fandom you wrote for?

fun fact: i originally wrote on wattpad and published a fierrochase fic on the release day of the hammer of thor. it's called fierrochase and it Sucks but it might actually be the first one ever which is fun if not slightly haunting

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

well you don't know me. but i know you it's a asoiaf time travel fic from the pov of people who don't know. i feel like i really pushed myself with characterisation on it

tagging people who i think write fic @tragedykery @lesmiserablol @oh-hush-its-perfect @thebigqueer @aphrodititi @ethannku @speedytherandom

[luckyqueenreign]

(sorry for ranting so much, i just feel so disappointed. also sorry if it doesn’t make sense, i’m not great at putting my thoughts to words <3)

ugh i’m so frustrated. i have been trying to keep a positive outlook on litg since they came back with s4 & s5 because there was a lot of negativity, but it’s just getting so difficult now. other people have already said it, but our mc has to deal with so much bullshit and just be okay with it. i want to play as the main character, i’m completely okay with drama and lis not being perfect but it just feels like no one actually fucks with us. i want to feel wanted, and not them just saying they want me then moving to someone else. we have practically no cute moments with our li (or just the ability to be able to fuck around with anyone atp). it feels like our mc has no autonomy, we’re like a human punching bag.

both seasons have felt so rushed, almost half of the lis in s4 were only available at the last recoupling. from only being interested in oliver in s4, i already know i don’t like getting my li at the end. it doesn’t feel rewarding at all because they haven’t put the effort into making the slow burns or love at first sight routes satisfying. i’m just so disappointed that the same thing is going to happen this season. and not only for suresh. literally every li is last minute. and they are all not good. i really would love to know what they were thinking this season.

it’s so infuriating because i would have loved it if they just gave it the time it needed. i wish they would have added more episodes and spread it out. if all the characters are going to be so unlikeable, give us more time to watch them develop and possibly redeem themselves. because there is no way that they will be able to give every character a redemption, give us our recouplings, dumpings, challenges, the finale and just time with our lis in 12 episodes. i find the plot genuinely interesting, and i like the idea of our ex fighting for the opportunity to get back with us. the tension they could have created and the breaking point moment. ugh it could have been so good. and even though it wasn’t how i imagined it, if they made casa suresh’s redemption it still could have worked. to come back, pull mc for a chat to clear things up immediately. no more games. but they had to add more drama...

the worst part personally is that i usually just fall in love with a character and only do their route on each season (even if i want to try other routes). and i already fell in love with the idea of suresh in my head. so whilst i’m seeing these really cute moments with finn, i just can’t get into it because i’m stuck on suresh. :(((

(thank you for reading this far. i just wanted to say, thank you for giving us a space to rant about the game. i love seeing your posts and reading your writing! i’m v excited for your future fics. hope you have a great day <333)

aww babe thank you 💖🥰🤗

also im literally the same as you I get so fixated on a character that I love and I just keep repeating that route over and over again. its why ive done Noah so many times. Honestly before casa its was rough but I enjoyed those last few episodes with suresh enough to want to keep doing his route again. Him losing his shoe 😩😩😩 I would play over and over just for that scene. I love jealous Suresh...but whyyyy did they feel the need to inject MORE drama. WEVE HAD ENOUGH. IM TIRED. every week I go in with optimism that its going to finally calm down and FB just throws another bomb at us. its just too much😭

[urbfsecretgf]

omg love this fic alr pls keep updating <3

thank y'all for giving me the motivation to write more. here you go :) Pt 4 of: The Boy Next Door

a/n: i didnt think i was gonna continue doing this series but i do appreciate all the people who enjoy it. thank you <3 also idk how well i corrected my spelling errors so my apologies for that.

(everything is made up, arguing, dirty minded things)

________________________________________________________

it was a cold Monday morning and you and jack are standing outside waiting for the bus to arrive at your house.

"its 6:50 the bus should be here already" jack groans

"i know im freezing my ass off its so cold out" you say as you are shivering

the bus finally pulls up to your drive way after what feels like an eternity. you've been at school your new school for about a week now, you know where all your classes were and where your locker was and all of that stuff.

when you get to school the first thing you do is head to your locker and put everything in your locker.

*BZZ*

*New Message From Vinnie <3: y/n where are you???*

you look at it and ignore it. vinnie and you got into a big argument last night and youre still not happy with him.

while putting books in your locker you hear someone start yelling your name

"y/n! has anyone seen y/n? y/n!!"

its vinnie.

"oh gosh" you sigh

"does anyone know where y/n is bro please tell me someone knows"

someone points to where you are, and you try and walk away and pretend not to notice him.

"Y/N!! IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU LITERALLY EVERYWHERE!!! OMG!" he says sounding excited that hes found you.

"haha yeah oops. i gotta go uh bye"

you dont really wanna be around him rn. he upset you pretty badly last night

*FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT*

"vinnie you do this literally EVERYTIME!! STOP!"

"no you act like it was bad that i was late i said sorry so its your fault we are arguing right now."

"vinnie i told you if we were late we would miss it. youve been late the past, hmmm, 3 dates? uh yeah i have every right to be upset with you. out of the 5 or so dates you've been on time or early to only 2 and one of those we didnt even get to go to because of the storm. i dont know whats gotten into you recently vinnie but i dont like it so you need to change that or something is going to happen and neither of us are going to like it"

"y/n youre literally overreacting about this. im sorry i was late weve been over this 100 times bro and its just a date we can go on more some other time"

"vinnie you dont understand. those dates mean the world to me. i love going on them with you. i love seeing you all dressed up and coming over so we can go out to a movie or whatever it is we are going to do. they arent 'just dates' to me"

"whatever y/n. this is so stupid. youre freaking out over nothing. ill talk to you later or something idfk"

*END OF FLASHBACK*

"y/n?"

"sorry vin i really gotta go"

"but the bell hasnt even rung yet we still have 8 minutes till class start wym?"

"yep i know bye"

vinnie grabs your arm and gives you a serious look. he knows you hate when he does this look because it makes you feel guilty and like you did something wrong.

"y/n? why are you avoiding me? you didnt answer my texts, you didnt say good morning to me, you hid from me when i was looking for you this morning, whats going on? did something happen? did I do something wrong?"

"vinnie im fine, okay? just leave me alone please."

"im sorry y/n. im sorry about last night and everything i said. i didnt mean it and i dont mean to be late im doing something at home which runs late sometimes and thats why im late. i also dont think to tell you im going to be late either, and im sorry. i really am"

what vinnie says to you makes you tear up a little. you look at him and walk away without saying anything.

"y/n wait! stop y/n come back please"

you love vinnie a lot but he takes it too far sometimes and last night was one of those times. you dont want anything to do with him right now.

________

the bell rings dismissing you for lunch.

"finally" you thought. you were starving.

you go to your locker and grab your lunch. as you were grabbing your lunch box you hear someone crying on the couch in the lounge area.

"i dont know what i did wrong bro. shes been avoiding me all day, she hasnt answered any of my texts ive sent her, and when i apologized to her this morning she walked away. i dont want to loose her bro, it would crush me."

being the curious george you are, you walk over to see who it is, and to your surprise its vinnie, crying, at school, and his friends shoulder.

you decide to walk over to there and you hear his friend austin comforting him

"its okay vinnie, i understand how youre feeling and its normal man. you like her a lot"

"like her a lot??? i dont just like her, im literally in love with her bro."

"vinnie?"

you startled him. he didnt see you there or even notice you were there. he wipes his tears from his face on his sleeve and clears his throat.

"oh hey y/n" he says while still sniffing up his runny nose trying to hide that he was crying

"were you crying?"

"what me? no ofc not"

"i heard you crying vin"

at this point all of his friends left the lounge and let you two be

"nah i wasnt haha"

you knew he was but you decided to let it be.

________

at the end of 4th hour, vinnies friend austin comes over to your locker and tells you what happened

"so he was crying?" you ask

"yeah it was bad, ive never seen him like that before"

"what was it about?"

"did you not hear him?"

"i mean i did kinda but not really"

he looks at you like you're crazy

"y/n he was crying about you. like he literally broke down while sitting on the couch with me and the boys."

hes never cried in front of you before so hearing that he cried in front of other people makes you feel weird. almost a jealous feeling which is weird but you dont really know how to feel.

you brush it off and decide you'll just text him and ask about it later.

________

its now the end of 6th hour, only one more class to go. while walking out of gym class someone runs up to you

"hey, y/n right?"

"um yeah? do i know you?"

it was a guy youve seen around school a few times today. you only have gym class with him but he seems to be pretty well known since everytime youve seen him hes had a big crowd of people around him.

"oh im sorry, im trevor, you can call me trev tho, thats what everyone calls me."

its kinda weird to have a guy come up to you at school. at your old school no one talked to you.

"haha its nice to meet you trev"

"yeah same to you, uh what are you doing tomorrow night?"

"theres no way he flirting with me, i have a boyfriend, everyone knows that right?" you thought to yourself

"oh um probably just homework and studying, why?"

"just wondering, do you need any help with any homework at all?"

"no i dont think so haha."

"alright well if you need any help heres my number."

trevor grabs your hand and writes his number on your hand.

"oh im sorry i-"

*BZZ*

your phone goes off. its a text from vinnie

*New Message From Vinnie <3: meet me by the locker room lovely ;)*

*BZZ*

*New Message From Vinnie <3: Image Recived*

you stare at your phone for a minute, in shock. hes never sent you something like that especially at school.

"y/n? are you okay?" trevor asked seeming a little worried

"HUH? OH YEAH IM GOOD!"

"yeah you seem good now wow."

you decide not to keep vinnie waiting any longer so you decide to end the conversation with trev and go to the locker room "hahahaha yeah okay well i gotta go!"

"alright talk tomorrow?"

"uh maybe" you say as your run off towards the locker room "bye trev'

you get to the locker room and theres vinnie, standing there looking good just like usual

"hey y/n"

"hey vinnie whats this all about?"

"bro im so like... yk.. rn"

"we are at school vin.."

"not even quick?"

not even thinking about it you walk to the family restroom. (and ill let you imagine the rest ;))

________

its the end of the day and the bell rings to dismiss you. trevor stops by your locker and starts a conversation with you.

"hey y/n"

"oh hi trev"

vinnie sees someone at your locker and decides to walk over

"how was your day?"

"it was alri-"

"hey y/n" vinnie interupts, "trevor?"

"vinnie? what are you doing here?'

you can already tell this isnt going to end well so you decide to try and walk away.

vinnie gives trevor a dirty look, "no y/n stay here, dont leave, i wanna know what tf trevor is doing with my girl."

trevor gives the same dirty look he got from vinnie right back to him

"your girl? dont you have like 15 other ones? come on bro, i seen you flirting with bailey like yesterday. you clearly dont care about y/n"

"wait, vin is that true...?" you could never imagine vinnie doing that to you. never. not after what yall have been through, what yall have told eachother, everything.

he looks at you and he can see the sadness on your face, he holds your cheek, "no y/n i love you i would never do something like that to you i promise, go home and we talk about it later after i deal with trev okay?"

youre on the verge of breaking down, your voice is soft, but you manage to say okay.

________

as soon as you get home you run upstairs to your room and throw everything on the floor. you just wanna break down and start baling your eyes out.

you decide to text both trev and vinnie.

*To Trev: hey its y/n did you actually see vinnie flirting with bailey?*

*To Vinnie <3: you didnt actually flirt with bailey did you?*

you set your phone down and just wait. you wait for a response from both vin and trev, wanting answers. you dont wanna believe trevor but you dont know if you can believe vinnie either. youre not trusting either one until you hear both sides of the story in full detail.

*BZZ*

your phone goes off

*New Message from Trev: Yeah I did, yesterday during 2nd hour. They were holding hands, he was hugging her, and that's really all i saw. I'm sorry y/n. You deserve better.*

you burst into tears, how could he do something like that to you?

your little brother jack hears you crying from down the hall and he knocks at your door.

"y/n...? are you okay?

jack and you are really close. you tell eachother everything.

"idk jack."

"did something happen between you and vinnie?"

*BZZ*

"whos that?" jack asked

you look down and see its vinnie

*New Message from Vinnie <3: y/n idk what trevor told you but its not true. he does this all the time to the girls he wants to hookup with. even if it was true i promise you, he wouldnt want anything but your body. i love you more than i love myself y/n. ask austin. i sat on the couch in the lounge today crying about you bc i thought i was going to lose you all bc of the stupid fight we had last night. i love you so much y/n. trevors told me about how hes felt about you from the day you came to school. he told me about how he thinks your hot and about how he could 'steal you away' from me.*

*BZZ*

*New Message from Vinnie <3: y/n i remember our first everything. the first time we met, hung out, hugged, held hands, our first kiss together, first time meeting each others parents, everything y/n. youre the only girl i love. i promise. ill walk over to your house right now if you need me.*

jack was reading the messages from over your shoulder.

"what happened? also invite him over"

after telling jack what happened today you text vinnie and tell him to come over

"jeeze y/n. you got boys fallin harddddddddd" jack says trying to enlighten to mood.

you give him a dirty look and he says sorry.

vinnie knocks on your bedroom door and you go running to him.

"im sorry vinnie, im sorry i didnt believe you. i love you too. way more than you think. i get scared when other people mention you and another girl because as much as i trust you sometimes i feel like you will leave me for someone prettier."

"y/n look at me. i promise you, we are going to get trevor back. im going to do whatever it takes and i have a plan on how we are going to do it."

[something--wicked]

I.am.tired. "can we all agree that billy is a villain and" or "can we all let him be a villain" No. We cannot ALL AGREE. Why WHY are people so obsessed with their viewpoint being the one and only true one of a planet over 7 bilion people? You want to see Billy as villain? Go ahead, the fuck do I care. But why have the arrogance of wanting everyone to agree with this? It is SO annoying I don't know how to deal with this anymore... Sorry for coming to you with this but you and several other blogs I follow are my heroes for having the energy and courage to call certain people out on their bullshit with class and facts while I can't and instead hide behind anonymity... Thank you. <3

hi anon im sorry im just now seeing this message!! but yes i agree and thank you for the kind words. i welcome you and anyone else to come to me with anything if you wanna chat or if you just want to rant its totally fine!! my response under the cut bc i went on a bit of a rant myself lol

I agree that it is extremely annoying and exhausting (which is why i dont really get involved, instead i just say things in the tags and reblog things others have said) because honestly i dont have the time or energy to constantly fight a losing battle against strangers on the internet who dont know me or my life. Honestly you shouldn't give me much credit because i dont fight nearly as much as others in this fandom do, i sort of just mind my business most of the time lol. I commend the ones who do actively engage with antis and try to have discussions with them! If i were better with words and had more time id be right there with them. Honestly, the reason its so bad right now is because st is so popular in the mainstream rn. Once the hype dies down, itll get better, and once the show ends itll get wayyy better. (honestly thats why im glad my favorite shows are older/lesser known. Like, no one is getting this worked up about fringe lol)

When it comes to antis, unfortunately, people have always been obsessed with their viewpoint being the correct one. Since our species gained sentience the thing weve used it for the most is to fight with other humans over who is right and who is wrong. religion, politics, wars are fought in the name of one viewpoint being right and better than the others. Not to compare fandom drama to literal war and historical events, but you see my point. Its just the way people are. People can be kind and arrogant and nice and nasty. We all have the capacity and the right to get upset when our views are challenged, but what matters is how we respond. I literally used to be a billy anti, (i was 17 and still living with my abusers, had a really fucked up worldview) i wasnt rabid about it and didnt really talk about it but i agreed with people when they said he was racist and a bad person and didnt think twice about his character. (honestly forgot he existed until recently.) but eventually, i grew up, i got out, and i got help. I didnt even like billy until less than a year ago. im 23 now, and im a very different person than i was when i was 17. I went back into the st fandom spaces when st4 came out and somehow ended up in the billy corner, and i listened to what they had to say. And i realized that i was wrong, and changed my opinion. I started to see what i couldnt before. I even talked to my therapist about it (and even her, my 72 year old fan of stranger things therapist, agreed that billy is the most complex and interesting character) and using him and his story, I was finally, after almost 6 years of being free from my abusers, was able to talk to her about what I went through and start processing my trauma. I realized how similar lives me and billy lived. I realized that i wished someone would have helped him the way my loved ones helped me. I wish all antis had the capacity to have calm back and forth discussions about the media that they claim to be fans of, but not everyone is capable of that. This is the internet. Most people here are incapable of that. All media is meant to be discussed and interpreted and debated. Its an art form meant to make you think, not something to base your moral compass and worldviews on. Despite that, Billy’s story is something that many real people go through, and insisting that someone who relates to his abuse and wants to explore it in a fandom space (art, fic, etc) is an evil person just because you personally don’t like his character is just straight up disgusting.

So for the ones who just want to ask questions and discuss things, thats fine. Most of us are happy to talk. For the ones who just want to troll, invade our space, say inflammatory things and hurt people just because we have differing opinions on a fictional character? The best thing to do is just block them and move on. Because they dont want their minds changed, they just want to cause drama for the sake of drama because their own lives are so sad and empty that they need a strangers vitriol to fill the attention void. They're just schoolyard bullies, desperate for a reacton. And i deal with them the same way i dealt with bullies in my school days: id stare blankly at them until they got bored or uncomfortable and left me alone. Because all they're looking for is a reaction, and i refused to give them one. I deal with anon hate the same way. Before i started posting about billy, i got anon hate maybe once or twice in the twelve years ive been here. Now, i get it at least once a week. And im not even a dedicated billy hargrove blog. I just post whatever catches my eye at that moment, so i cant even imagine what its like for the people in the fandom who are completely dedicated to billy. But my followers have never and will never see the anon hate i get, and the senders will never see my response to it. Because you know what i do with anon hate? I delete it. I delete it and forget it ever existed. Eventually, when they see that im not responding, they give up and stop. Its slowed down considerably, so i guess theyre getting tired lol. Non-reaction is a totally valid way of handling harassment, and the most successful one, in my experience. I dont need to fight to prove to strangers behind a screen that im not a racist or an abuser or evil just because they say that i am for liking a fictional character. I know im not racist, and i know im not an abuser, and i know im not evil. Im a regular person who does their best to be kind and respectful to everyone and be better every day. Im a regular person who goes to work, hangs out with friends, takes care of family, looks at silly little memes on the internet, minds my business, and lives my life.

Dont ever feel bad for not engaging in discourse. Whether its because its taxing to your mental health or you dont have the energy or because you just dont want to, youre not obligated to do anything. You arent losing points by sitting back on the sidelines and letting others fight. Its social media, not a life or death warzone. If all you wanna do is reblog some posts and chill then more power to you. Thats what i do for the most part. I very rarely ever get involved in anything, cuz im content to sit over here in my corner and reblog things, and not let things people say on the internet affect me in real life because none of it matters. Just because antis forget that life outside of internet fandom exists doesnt mean we have to as well.

[sixtyeightdays]

Only you, Marinette. Only you.

in which marinette lifts thors hammer with no knowledge of how great it is to wield mjolnir 😔✋🏻

kind of crappy but thats okay

-

Normally, when Tony Stark's name was brought up, the following words would be either 'Avengers', 'Iron Man', or something along the lines of cool and amazing.

But this time, as Tony Stark's name fluttered through the compound of College Francois Dupont, the following words were 'Why her', 'What happened', and'Marinette Dupain-Cheng'.

See, throughout Lila's entire reign at Francois Dupont, unknowingly to the Italian, a certain bluenette had been giving her and all of her classmates choices.

Lila chose to ignore Marinette's warning.

Alya chose to believe Lila and cut off all ties with Marinette.

Nino chose to follow Alya and ignore Marinette.

Adrien chose to remain quiet for fear of Lila getting akumatised.

The class chose to believe Lila, drinking up her lies and claimed connections to celebrities that'll 'boost their careers in the future'.

Now, Marinette wasn't normally one to show off her connections to the world, unlike Lila, who lied about celebrities with every breath she took.

No, Marinette preferred not to mention her celebrity contacts.

However, this time, she had thrown all caution out the window and texted him.

-

mari <3

cant wait to see all of you soon!

do you think you can pick me up at my school drop off point after i end school instead of the bakery next week?

the one and only

sure thing, mari

everyone misses you too and they cant wait to see you again

any reasons why the sudden change though

mari <3

no reason

-

It was a week before he arrived. A week full of taunts and bullying from the people who used to be her friends.

But the day had come, and Marinette was about to leave this place for the summer, and was finally going to be where she wanted to be again.

It was the last period, and Marinette, having finished her work already, started on a new design. She had just finished it when the door crashed open, making Mlle. Bustier and the class jump.

The shock turned into exciting adoration, however, as standing there in all his glory were the Avengers.

Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Thor, and of course, Tony Stark. Pepper was also there, trailing behind with Natasha who were muttering about how dramatic the boys were.

Alya immediately jumped to her feet, fumbling for her phone that she held with shaking hands, and started a livestream.

'Hi everyone! It's your Ladyblogger here, and today the Avengers came to visit! Oh, I bet Lila got them to come, she is Tony Stark's goddaughter after all.'

No one noticed Marinette snort into her palm.

Max gaped at his idol in the doorway, his glasses sliding off his face in his shock before he hastily placed them in it's proper position.

Thor ignored the reporter, making his way to the back of the class where Mari sat, placing his hammer on top of Mari's sketchbook, much to her chagrin.

The devious smile the god gave her confirmed that he did it on purpose, and Mari smacked him in the arm and glared at him.

'Was it really necessary to break down the door?' She deadpanned, unimpressed.

Alya gasped. 'Marinette! Don't be so rude to the Avengers! They're here for Lila, not you.'

Thor frowned in confusion. 'Who is this.. Lila you speak of?'

Alya gasped again. 'She's Tony Stark's goddaughter!' She frowned at the god disapprovingly.

'She spends her summers there, how could you not recognise her?' The Italian in question was sinking into her seat, regretting the lie she told.

Tony clicked his tongue.

'I have a goddaughter, yes, but it isn't this Lila girl. I have never heard of a Lila. No, I'm here for Marinette, my actual goddaughter.' He shot a pointed look to Alya at the last bit, before he and everyone else walked over to Mari.

Pepper passed by Alya and handed out two stacks of papers.

Alya cautiously picked it up and Pepper said, 'These are lawsuits for both you and Lila. It is for defamation and slander of different celebrities, as well as spreading false information.'

Alya gaped at the blonde as she made her way up the stairs to where Mari and everyone else was before turning to Lila with a glare.

'Were you lying the whole time?'

The class erupted in shouts at the girl, until she broke and called out that Adrien had known, but didn't say anything.

'It was for the best! Her lies weren't hurting anyone!'

'I didn't submit my music portfolio because Lila said she'd guaranteed me a spot.' Nino uttered quietly, realising that he had lost a chance to have his big break.

Mylene looked gobsmacked. 'I passed up the offer of meeting Alexander Hamilton because Lila said she'd get him to meet me for free.'

One by one, the students began listing everything they missed out because of Lila's lies, from Alix not being able to be in the X-Games like she was promised, to Kim, who had quit his swim team because Lila told him she'd get Michael Phelps to train him personally.

Adrien cracked and admitted that yes, he was wrong, but Marinette knew too!

The class suddenly remembered Marinette.

Marinette, who had been telling them all along that Lila was lying.

Marinette, who they had bullied because they thought she was jealous.

Marinette, who was scolding Tony Stark right now, wait what?

Sure enough, the bluenette was reprimanding the billionaire, who's head was hanging low like a kicked puppy, with Natasha smirking in the corner.

'I told you to come after school! There's still 15 minutes before school ends, Uncle Tony, you couldn't wait another 20 minutes?'

He hung his head and Steve snickered, until Marinette turned to him.

'Why did you let him come so early? I thought you were the responsible one.' She pinched the bridge of her nose.

The class took advantage of the momentary silence to swarm Marinette, until the Avengers glared at them and they backed away slightly.

'Girl, we're so sorry for believing that liar! Will you forgive us? We'll be best friends again.' Alya looked excited, a gleam in her eye.

'Do you think you can get me an interview with Tony Stark?'

Marinette looked at her in disbelief.

'So you want to be my friend again, just because I'm Tony's goddaughter.' Pepper and Natasha looked furious as well, while Tony eyed his goddaughter's class.

Steve placed a hand on Marinette's shoulder.

'Besides, Marinette already has a best friend.'

Alya spluttered. 'Who?'

A swarm of black and blue flew into the room and crashed into Marinette, causing her to fall back into her seat.

'Peter!' She laughed. 'MJ! Ned! Great to see you guys too!'

Peter smiled gave her a brotherly kiss on the cheek, while MJ gave her a hug and Ned fistbumped her.

'Oh! That reminds me, MJ, I'm done with the design for the dress you wanted! Let me show you!' Mari looked around for her sketchbook before noticing it under Thor's hammer.

Thor, noticing this, moved his hand forwards to pick up the hammer, but his jaw dropped as Marinette easily picked up the hammer with one hand, holding it up while she moved the sketchbook underneath it away before placing it back on the table.

She flipped through the pages of it, not noticing the shocked looks on her classmates and family's faces, and the pale face of Lila. She had become enemies with a girl who could lift Thor's hammer!

Alya, who was still live streaming, looked like a fish, and her hands, which were still raises in the position of recording, trembled.

Marinette let out a small 'aha!' when she found the page she was looking for, and looked up to see her friend's shocked face.

She frowned. 'Do you not like it?'

Adrien, still rather astonished, spluttered out. 'Marinette.. you just lifted Thor's hanmer!'

At the sound of his name, the god snapped out of his stupor, and lifting his hammer, he pointed at the bluenette. 'She is worthy! I must take her to Asgard with me!'

Marinette cocked her head. 'It's just a hammer and it wasn't even that heavy. Now you big babies, let's go back to New York!'

She grabbed MJ's hand before picking up her bag and running out, she and MJ excitedly chattering about the dress, Marinette having not understood the implications of lifting Thor's hammer, and MJ, who had seen weirder things in her life.

The Avengers, Ned and Peter blinked before filing out of the room slowly, following the excited bluenette and brunette.A certain blonde god staring at nothing in particular.

'She doesn't know what lifting my hammer means?' He snorted. 'Only you, Marinette. Only you.'

-

well yeah there isnt exactly a ship for this but i wanted to write something where mari lifts thors hammer bc i dont see enough of those

mj and peter are together, in case u didnt know

kind of lost interest in the end but thats okay lmao so the endings kinda crappy but i think weve established that i cant write for shit

thank u for coming to my tedtalk ok byee

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[snowinabottlearchived]

a   day   later   (   because   yesterday   i   was   with   my   parents   and   we   did   nothing   but   eat  ,   drink   and   celebrate   )  ,   i   am   finally   putting   up   a   post   i   wanted   to   write   ever   since  .   2020   is   coming   to   an   end   and   for   the   first   time   in   weeks   i   have   the   chance   to   properly   sit   down   and   thank   everyone   who   accompanied   me   through   this   year   and   made   it   bearable  .   i   could   probably   write   an   entire   essay   about   how   grateful   i   am   for   every   single   of   my   mutuals   who   stuck   around   despite   my   activity   was   spotty  ,   who   sent   me   nice   messages   and   asks   when   times   were   tough   and   to   all   the   amazing   people   who   fought   so   hard   themselves   and   got   through  .   this   time   i   want   to   make   it   a   little   more   personal  ,   because   through   hardship   and   bad   experiences   i   learned   what   FRIENDSHIP   really   means   and   that   even   though   disappointments   happen  ,   there   will   always   be   those   worth   keeping   on   for  .   i   hope   EVERYONE   WHO   READS   THIS   knows   that   i   am   happy   to   have   you   here  ,   to   see   you   on   my   dash   and   that   this   platform   still   is   my   main   safe   space   to   be   creative   and   escape   reality   from   time   to   time  .   you   matter  .   every   single   one   of   you  .   but   now  ,   to   some   more   personal   lines  .

@rgerscap​   /   @serpernt​   /   @hunterheroes​ bea  .   you   are   and   have   been   my   best   friend   ever   since   i   can   remember   writing   over   here  .   i   do   not   even   know   how   long   we   have   been   plotting   and   talking  ,   but   from   this   point   on   i   can   not   even   imagine   a   life   without   you  .   meeting   up   in   february   was   one   of   the   best   things   that   happened   this   year  ,   because   you   are   such   a   beautiful  ,   kind   and   funny   person   inside   and   out  .   i   am   beyond   grateful   to   have   you   at   my   side  ,   to   be   able   to   reach   out   to   you   when   i   feel   alone  ,   when   i   feel   troubled  ,   but   also   when   we   are   just   two   stupid   knobheads  .   thank   you   so   much   for   everything   you   did   for   me  .   thank   you   for   existing  ,   for   being   my   friend  ,   for   being   you  .   i   love   you   so   much  . @bluemoontm​   /   @demonify​   /  @impaladrove​ i   dont   even   know   where   to   start  .   we   two   have   been   through   quite   some   stuff   this   year  ,   but   you   were   always   there  .   you   always   helped   me  ,   you   listened   and   our   constant   motivation   we   tried   to   give   each   other   was   what   brought   me   through   2020  .   no   matter   what   or   where   we   start   to   write  ,   i   enjoy   our   plots   and   endless   ideas   so   much  ,   that   i   would   not   even   be   here   anymore   if   it   wasnt   for   you  .   even   when   everything   seemed   to   fall   apart   you   remained   at   my   side  ,   encouraged   me  ,   never   doubted   me   and   for   that   i   will   be   forever   thankful  .   you   became   one   of   my   closest  ,   best   friends   which   i   can  ,   at   this   point  ,   say   without   any   doubts  .   i   mean  .   listen  .   bringing   me   to   make   two   more   blogs   ? ?   you   did   the   impossible  .   i   just   hope   covid   is   over   soon   and   we   can   do   our   coffee   shop   tour  ,   hang   out   and   have   wine   and   italian   food  .   you   mean   the   world   to   me  .   thank   you   for   everything   slate  . @adstellar​  antonia  ,   meine   liebste   popocreme  .   its   been   a   year   since   we   met   at   my   place   and   surely   three   since   we   started   talking  .   we   do   not   only   work   in   the   same   job  ,   but   also   helped   each   other   through   so   many   things   that   i   stopped   counting  .   talking   to  you   on   discord   or   the   phoney   phone  ,   writing   our   babies   on   tumblr   or   just   planning   another   holiday   together  .   you   mean   so   much   to   me    and   i   am   beyond   grateful   to   have   you   in  my   life  .   you   are   an   amazing   person  ,   so   please   never   ever   change  . @villeneuvetm​   /   @margirfolk​ scotchy   ! !   of   course   you   belong   on   this   list   of   special   people  ,   simply   because   you   are  .   i   know   that   sometimes   you   feel   left   out   or   overlooked  ,   but   you   are   a   wonderful  ,   talented   writer   and   such   a   joy   to   talk   to   ooc   as   well  .   weve   been   talking   for   quite   some   time   now   and   been   mutuals   since   forever  ,   which   i   am   very   grateful   for  .   your   constant   interest   in   amelia  ,   your   will   to   plot   with   me   and   throw   your   amazing   muses   my   way   just   makes   me   so   happy   so   please   know   that   i   will   always   and   forever   write   all   the   things   with   you  .   thank   you   for   being   my   friend   ! ! @absolveres​ cyn   my   favorite   co   pilot   and   fellow   flame   thrower   enthusiast  .   youve   been   dealing   with   my   slow   potato   ass   for   ages   now   and   i   have   no   words   to   say   how   thankful   i   am   you   did   not   just   yeeted   me   out   of   the   plane   right   into   the   next   best   river  .   you   are   such   a   generous  ,   talented   and   caring   person   that   i   will   always   and   forever   wait   for   you   and   replies   -   ic   and   ooc  .   talking   to   you   about   personal   stuff  ,   about   our   beloved   disaster   game   or   plotting   endless   things   for   our   two   lost   causes   is   everything   and   something   i   will   love   forever  .   i   hope   you   are   reading   this   despite   your   little   break  ,   because   you   are   missed   deeply  .   i   am   sending   you   all   the   love  . @lastfulcrum​ you   thought  .   i   just   went   through   my   blog   and   -   believe   it   or   not   -   our   first   threads   are   three   damn   years   old  .   lucy  ,   when   you   reached   out   a   few   days   ago  ,   i   was   so   shocked   that   i   had   no   words   to   express   how   happy   i   am   that   you   are   back   from   your   hiatus  .  i   always   loved   writing   with   you  ,   talking   ooc  ,   plotting   and   do   like   34234324   aus  ,   simply   because   you   are   such   a   good   writer   and   great   person  .   i   hope   you   are   aware   that  you   glued   yourself   to   me   and   my   blog   with   invisible   glitter   glue   and   are   trapped   forever  .   again  .   i   am   so  ,   so   glad   you   are   back  . @takemetochrch​ oh  ,   of   course   you   wont   be   left   out   here  .   i   think   i   dont   have   to   say   how   much   i   adore   you   and   jack   ? ?   i   am   so   grateful   we   started   writing   and   so   happy   to   have   you   in   my   tumblr   life  .   our   dynamics   -   no   matter   if   its   jack   and   amelia  ,   or   jack   and   castiel   -   warm   my   heart   and   lighten   up   my   dash   so   much  ,   that   i   am   excited   about   every   reply   and   every   edit   that   comes   my   way  .   thank   you   for   writing   all   of   this   with   me  ,   for   being   so   loving   and   invested  .   it   means   the   world   to   me  .   you   are   amazing   ! ! and   then   there   are   some   amazing  ,   outstanding   people   on   my   dash   i   wanted   to   mention   as   well  .   simply   because   they   have   been   good   friends  ,   mutuals  ,   inspiring   souls   i   enjoy   seeing   every   time   their   names   pop   up  .   i   love   you   all   to   bits  .   thank   you   for   following   me  ,   writing   with   me  ,   being   so   wonderful  .   i   am   sending   you   all   the   cookies  ,   snowflakes   and   positive   thoughts   for   holidays   and   the   next   year   to   come  .   please   stay   safe  . @soulstcne​  ,   @fcxedbecty​  ,  @conniidel​  ,  @itshellscrown​  ,  @myersbprd​  ,  @seidmadr​  ,  @wxrldkiller​  ,  @alongingwithin​​  ,  @outlawiism​​  ,  @venuscommissions​​  ,  @sicarea​​  ,  @batisms​​  ,  @failedhero​​  ,  @waywardfeathered​​  ,  @willchosen​​  ,  @horrorempathy​​  ,  @crimsonshe​​  ,  @atomiism​​  ,  @icameasiam​​  ,  @sunsymbols​​  ,  @experimcnts​​  ,  @optmstc​​  ,  @timidstrcngth​​  ,  @pepperpxtts​​  ,  @lunelios​​  ,  @thunderbringer​​  ,  @risaen​​  ,  @unsnare​​  ,  @viividpurity​​ and   everyone   else   who   sees   this  .   merry   christmas  ,   happy   holidays  .   thank   you   for   existing  .

[shhh-no-ones-home]

party planning committee marcus moreno x reader

+++++++++

this is a story in four parts, youll see what i mean when you read it but i wasnt exactly sure how i wanted to do this at first and thats just sort of what i landed on. but i think it kind of works.

He asks for your help to plan missy's birthday party since he still really has no idea how to do the whole girl party thing

Song: island in the sun by weezer

tag list: @cynic-spirit

+++++++++

i moved to knock on the door when i heard a loud crashing sound, startling me. i knocked quickly and loudly after that, waiting for a moment before opening the door.

"marcus?!"

i yelled, looking around the living room.

"missy?"

i asked, stepping further into the house. when i made it to the kitchen i sighed in relief, my hand going to my chest as i saw marcus stood over the sink with a mixing bowl in his hand, a few other stainless steel appliances strewn about.

"marcus?"

i asked lightly and he jumped, looking to me and breathing deeply.

"jesus y/n, you scared me."

he said shaking his head. i walked closer to the counter.

"i knocked but i heard a loud noise and got worried. im just glad to see youre not hurt."

i stated, turning one of the bowls upright. he shook his head.

"well my pride is a little hurt but im glad youre looking out for me."

he said, looking from me to the paper sat on the counter. i furrowed my brows, looking over the island to see what it was. i laughed when i realized he was trying to make a cake.

"marcus what are you doing?"

i asked, picking it up and shaking the flower off of it. he sent me a bashful smile.

"well, i was trying to make a cake for missy's birthday but i guess that ship sailed a while ago."

he said, looking around to the mess he had worked so hard on. i shook my head, waving my hand in the air and everything picking itself back upright, the empty bowls stacking together and the powders on the counter making their way into a pile.

"here, let me help."

°°°°°°°°°

"Okay, now that the cake is done, what else did you need help with?"

I asked, wiping my hands on the kitchen towel and looking to him expectantly. He sighed.

"All of it actually."

He said, shaking his head and walking to the table. I raised a brow and followed him.

"Marcus you make it sound like you've never had a birthday party for missy before."

I said with a laugh and he sent me a look, turning his datapad on.

"I know but I never did any of this, it was always her mom. And last year be both just agreed on no party, just take time to be together instead."

I nodded as I sat beside him.

"I know how much you both miss her, hell I find myself missing her sometimes too. She really was the best part of the team, even without powers."

I lamented, looking to my hands now folded in front of me on the table.

"I just wish things were easier."

He said and I nodded in agreement.

"I'm sure they'll get there, one day at a time. But you gotta work at it, like today. You've already successfully made a cake."

I pointed out and he laughed.

"Yeah, and without your help that probably would've ended very badly."

I laughed too, shaking my head.

"Baking really isn't for everyone."

I said and he side nodded, opening a planning sheet in his tablet.

"You can say that again."

He mumbled, turning it to show me.

"This is what I have so far, and everything she wanted."

He said and I nodded, reading through it.

"This is her twelfth birthday, and she's finally made more friends, thanks to the heroics program. I just want this to be a special one for her."

He said and I sent him a small smile.

"So, did she give you this invite list, or did you make it yourself?"

I asked and he looked at me funny.

"Both?"

He asked and I laughed a little bit.

"Okay, that's good, I guess. Cause it's her party so you want to make sure you're inviting people she likes to talk to and hang out with."

He nodded in understanding.

"Right. I did run it by her but i sent the cards out already, time wasnt really on my side for this one."

He said bashfully and I nodded once.

"thats Okay, it looks like you at least have a theme done. That's good. List of essentials. Oh okay. now let's look at what you have planned."

I scrolled down and stopped, sending him a look. So far he just had 'sleepover?' he let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his neck.

"A sleepover?"

I asked and he shrugged, slouching a little defeated.

"Yeah I don't know. It just seemed like a good idea. She used to have them all the time. But again, I never really did any of that stuff."

I nodded, tapping the screen and deleting his idea.

"Here, how about this: a pool party. I know you're a master of the grill, you could invite all the heroic kids and their parents over and have a barbeque. The kids can swim. It'll be a good time."

I suggested and he nodded, a wide smile on his face.

"That actually sounds like a really good idea y/n."

He said and I sent him a knowing smile.

"we can run that by missy too, just to make sure, we only have a few days after all and we need time to notify the guests that weve changed things."

°°°°°°°°°

when the big day finally came i was awoken from my spot on the couch to missy jumping down the stairs excitedly, a wide smile across her face as she dug in the fridge for something for breakfast. i had spent the night to help marcus decorate and was definitely regretting staying up as late as we did.

"morning."

she said in a chipper tone and i offered her a smile as i sat up.

"morning."

i said a little groggy, looking back over to the stairs as marcus trudged down them too, a tired look on his face.

"morning."

he groaned, going straight to the coffee pot and pouring a cup. i laughed a little at him as i stood up, stretching out.

"ready to get cooking?"

i asked, pulling my sweater on. i hadnt expected to sleep over so i was still in the clothes i had worn over. he just sent me a look, missy eating at the table now and nodding quickly.

"why did we make this thing for one oclock again?"

he asked playfully and missy sent him a look.

"youre the one who agreed to the pool party."

she pointed out and he made an 'o' shape with his mouth, making missy and i both laugh as i joined her at the table.

"alright, let me go get dressed and then we will start cooking."

°°°°°°°°°

when the party was finally over and everything was cleaned up i looked to marcus, drying the last of the dishes and putting them away quietly.

"what ya thinking about?"

i asked, leaning into the island and watching him intently. he frowned at me for a second.

"do you think she really had fun today?"

he said, looking over to the couch. after all the guests had left missy had showered and changed, and after having aloe applied generously to her sunburnt face, fell into a deep sleep sitting on the couch. i smiled, remembering what she had said to me earlier when she came in to get a drink.

"well considering she thanked earlier for making her birthday a special one for both of you im gonna go with yes."

i said, him finally smiling back at me as he put the last dish away.

"she really said that?"

he asked and i nodded.

"it was mentioned."

he sent me a look.

"she had said that not only was she having fun, but she was just happy to see you enjoying yourself again too. all the heroics laughing and having a good time next to their kids also having a good time; you really made a difference today."

he shook his head.

"okay, and what about you?"

i raised a brow.

"what about me?"

"did you have a good time today?"

he asked pointedly and i sighed out a laugh.

"yes Marcus, i had a very good time today."

i confirmed and he nodded once.

"good, because i would feel so bad if you hadnt. youve helped me so much here lately, i think you deserve it the most out of all of us."

i shook my head at him amused.

"thanks, but i doubt that."

he swallowed hard, furrowing his brows.

"no no don't say that, you work twice as hard as the rest of us. i just wish you could see that."

i looked to the ceiling for a moment before standing up and stretching.

"well if thats true then i think i deserve some sleep. though it has been fun, it has been one long day."

he nodded once.

"want to stay the night again? you can sleep upstairs in my room tonight if you want, i think missy has kind of taken over your spot."

he said with a laugh.

"i probably shouldnt, i need to get home, i gotta get my mail water my plants, all that jazz."

he watched me with a light gaze as i gathered up my things.

"well, im glad you could come over. and if you want to come back tomorrow for lunch-"

"id love that marcus."

i said and he smiled at me, a small blush visibly rising to his face.

"its a date?"

he asked, walking to the door with me. i thought for a second and nodded.

"yeah, its a date."

i said, his smile getting wider as i stepped outside.

"ill text you what time ill be over."

"ill be waiting."

[shesawriter39049]

Yoooooo

So a bitch is back a year later still drunk is this a trend? Is this a problem we will never know?! 

So the world is slowly coming back together and this time around but it seems like we were extremely keen on sharing tour memory since it finally seems like we’re gonna be able to go back to shows again well if you motherfuckers get your shit together and wear your mask and get vaccinated! 😒🙄

It seems like last year because 10 years is such a monumental moment we were focused more so on the boys and this year it seems the narrative is more so talking about us as a fandom...

So that whole situation alone still gives me a nostalgic fuzzy feeling in my stomach when I think about the dynamic that this fandom had! Especially during tour season I would go out on a limb to say that there aren’t many groups or fandom’s this decade that can rival us when it comes to storiess...

There was something extremely bad ass about all of it ....because we were one of the rare fandoms to be able to stan artist that were attainable! If you were respectful and not a fucking creep it was not some thing only in a fanfiction to possibly run into the boys or be able to have a conversation with them, DMs/interactions on social media and ETC! In some elements that level of intimacy between the boys and the fan did cause drama because some fans forgot how to know their place..... but we can talk about that for hours on end 🙄! 

However still, even just looking at all of the comments or the numerous group chats lol that I have been added into today... there’s just still something fuckin magical about that! The shit that weve gone through together ups and downs good and bad the fun times ....The drama the scandals and shit that we managed to just keep within our little Tumblr community!! 🥴 If you were around during their prime which was essentially their entire career lol... if you were around and on Tumblr during tour season... Man notifications were going fucking insane...it was always fuckin crazyyyyy and I will never forget those days! Or those moments! The shows and meet and greets I was lucky enough to go to...or even the couple meet and greets that I held on my own with some of my friends within the fandom because some of you for some crazy ass reason thought I was interesting enough that you wanted to meet me...

If you were at the Grove before their show at the staple center... night 1/4...TMH tour...it was fucking Iconic we were all drunk as fuck with fake IDs... Looking back on it now..how we pull that shit off ?! Well I will never understand but we were gangster as fuck for doing it! So 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ if I’m being honest I don’t remember the first night at all 🥴I think I blacked out thanks fuck I went to all 4 😩😂😂

(also yes if you have them ...same as last year please DM me any pictures or videos that you have with me from tour though some of them are very questionable especially the ones from this night.. fix it Jesus🤦🏽‍♀️)

And like I think I said last year I will continue to give us a pat on the back for growing the fuck up! I’m so damn proud of us the way we’ve matured and chilled out! Of course not all of us, and there’s still some new solo fans that have joined in since of course the boys have gone there on route.... some of them definitely still have some growing the fuck up to do but whatever🙄! But for the most part shit just isn’t a big deal anymore granted we may not win every award for the boys because we don’t have as much time on our hands were all in how in our late 20s early 30s for the most part....but to be honest I prefer the energy that we’ve collected now that we’ve calm down and realize it really isn’t that deep anymore which is something that I think we thankfully realized about three years in!

I will never take any of it for granted looking back on it ...this fandom experience still goes above and beyond...anything I’ve ever done! In the moment those five years seemed long AF....now....looking back on it, it was soooo fucking short! It was like all of us ...especially those of us that were around the same age as the boys ...all went through that journey with them and it was almost like One Direction was a secondary college experience online if that makes sense?! 😩😂because those boys definitely treated those years like their frat years as they fucking should have 👏🏽👏🏽! 

Yeah Some of the younger more immature fans got pissy but I still loved and respected the fact of those boys did whatever the fuck they wanted to do! if they want to party they partied, if they wanted to hook up with fans, or just someone in general, or have a serious relationships they did! They lived their lives the way they wanted to and did whatever the fuck they wanted to do! I genuinely hope that behind the scenes though every day won’t be perfect that they really did have as much fun as it looks like they did because they deserve it!

I’m also proud to say that I still genuinely enjoy and support all of the members solo their music ...they’re all polar opposite so it totally makes sense that it was their time to break apart and spread their wings further... it just makes me smile and wave all been able to do what they wanna do how they want to do it👏🏽👏🏽

And lastly I’m going to get sappy one more time and thank you guys for sticking with me for all this time somehow...followers have grown from last year which 🥴 I don’t know how I feel like I’m on here barely once a month but that’s still dope! And I mean it’s not a secret that I have been involved in my own fair share of shit over the years where is this fandom is concerned I’m not stupid I know a lot of you guys followed me initially because of that! However also a lot of you had my back which I appreciate more than you understand! 

Happy 11th anniversary to One Direction happy 11th anniversary to us as Directioners!

Ugh those 1D Tumblr says though...👀👀👀👀 you just had to fuckin be there...we were a rowdy bunch I’ll tell you that much! 😩😂😂😂

“If you know...you know...”

I love y’all, and it looks like I will see some of you guys at love on tour stay safe my babies!! 

[lovingoneweisalifestyle]

(I'm gonna spam you once I come up with more ideas just you wait)

Love interest who is an idol/sound engineer/producer/songwriter or something in the lines and the boys are all heart eyes cause that's their idol that's their inspiration only to turn out that the girl is also their fan 🥺 (ah cute) (maybe ending up asking for a date??)

A/N: Here you go! 

Yonghoon:

“Hello, I’m y/n, thank you for inviting me. I’m a solo artisit and my new single is out. Please give it lots of love!” you talk into the mic.

You were invited as a guest to a radio show alongside ONEWE. Everybody was going around and introducing themselves.

The MC made it really comfortable and before you knew it it was time to end the show, “Please say your closing remarks” the MC directed

You started looking at the camera, “Thank you to everyone watching, please listen to my new song lots.” you turn to ONEWE, “I was actually really nervous when I heard you guys would be on here too becuase I’m a really big fan of you but it was lots of fun.”

It was Yonghoon’s turn to talk, “I’m actually a fan of yours too, i’ve been following you since debut and i’ve look up to you a lot. Please listen to our new album, Memory: Illusion. Thank you for having us on the show!”

After the show wrapped up, you met ONEWE at the elevators once again. You greet them polietly and Yonghoon starts a conversation with you, “It was really nice to meet you”

You laughed, “I’m glad that you had as much fun as me. I’m actually a big fan like I said earlier.”

Yonghoon hesitated a little before asking, “do you mind if I ask for your number?” holding out his phone.

You took it with a smile, “I don’t mind at all, here you go, let’s keep in touch!” you handed him his phone and headed off to your next schedule.

Harin:

You were walking in the park when you bumped into somebody. You apologized and he helped you up.

“I’m Harin” he said

“I know. I’m a fan of your band. I’m y/n, nice to meet you. I’m sorry about earlier” you walked beside him.

“I know too. I’m a fan of YOUR band too. Don’t worry too much about it. After all, nobody got hurt.”

“I can’t belive I met you, I was just listening to your band, like 5 minutes ago before I fell” you say

“You know, your band makes really good songs. I’ve covered a few of them on the drums.” he said

“I know! I’ve seen them, you’re really good.” you exclam

You talked about how you found out about your bands and walked around the park together.

“Would you like to go on a date withe me?” Harin asked

You were surprised but agreed, “sure, but first give me your number” you handed him your phone.

He handed it back after putting in his number. “i’ll call you” you say

You said your goodbyes before parting ways and both of you ran home to brag about getting each others number.

Kanghyun:

When you heard ONEWE was going to busk at the mall, you didn’t expect to hear your own composed song. It wasn’t often when people covered your songs  but not many people knew about this composition since it was before you blew up.

You stare at ONEWE, amazed that your favorite band is covering your composition. The crowd disbanded after the performance was over and ONEWE were unplugging and packing up their instruments and cables.

The guitarist of ONEWE, Hyungu, walked over to you when he realized who you were.

You both greeted each other politetly, “You guys are really good” you spoke

He didn’t answer, just looked at your face amazed that you’re in front of him, Harin seemed to notice and ran over to help him, “hi, Hyungu’s shy around new people so he doesn’t talk much. You’re actually his favorite composer”

“Wow, i’m glad you like my songs. I’m a fan of your band too, you guys are amazing” you couldn’t belive your favorite band was in front of you and you were talking to them.

“It’s actually my favorite composition of yours, so I decided to learn it” Hyungu finally spoke up.

“I’m surprised. Not many people know about this one, even I forgot about it for a while” you said shocked

“Do you want to maybe get coffee, if you’re free” you asked deciding to be bold and take the chance.

Harin spoke for him, “he’d love to. We’ll take your guitar back, don’t worry” Harin took his guitar bag and pushed him towards you.

Dongmyeong:

You sat at a table in a coffee shop with your laptop open and papers surrounding you and your cup of coffee which was now cold. You let out a frustrated sigh and held your head in your hands.

Someone sat down in a chair in front of you, you looked up and it was Dongmyeong from ONEWE. You immediately fix your posture and pick up your messy papers.

He spoke first, “I was just passing by and noticed you seemed to be troubled. If you don’t mind, maybe talking about it will help you feel better?” he suggested politely

You sighed, “I’m just having a hard time writing this song.: You closed your laptop and took a sip of your now cold coffee. You made a face and called the waiter to order a new coffee.

“Well, i’ve heard your other songs and they’re really good. I’m sure you’ll overcome this. I’m a fan so i’ll cheer you on” he smiled and his dimples popped out.

“I’m a fan too and ONEWE songs are really good. You think you can help me out a bit?” you showed him what you had so far.

You both worked on the song and three hours later, it was closing time and you both had to leave. You exchanged numbers and promised to meet up again to finish the song.

CyA:

You were at the music shop, walking towards the equipment isle. You saw someone looking at a bass effector, “this one is better if you’re thinking of buying. It’s pricey but it’s worth it” you pointed the one beside him.

The boy turned to look at you, it was Giuk from ONEWE. He seemed shocked to see you. He stared at you in awe, it was his favorite producer in front of him.

He finally managed to speak, “Hello. You’re my favorite produer. I’m a fan of your work. I do a little bit of producing myself, you’ve inspired me a lot” he rambled on.

“I know, You’re really good. I’ve heard your soundcloud and you do lots of producing for your band as well.” you smiled, glad to see he’s a fan of you as much as you are of him.

He seemed shocked that you knew him, “you-you’ve heard my soundlcoud and you know about ONEWE?”

You nodded, “i’m a WEVE and CyA biased, belive it or not.”

“Well, I have to go. I have a meeting but I have a feeling, we’ll see each other more often” you waved and walked away.

He watched you walk away and his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from their manager saying that a famous producer wants to collab with ONEWE and called him to the company for a meeting.

[siserary933043]

Caravan of love

God I need a cigarette! I gasped as I collapsed, exhausted, at the top of the small mountain my team had just hiked up in the Lake District.

Youre supposed to be setting us a good example. Khalid laughed as he flopped down next to me quickly followed by his two schoolmates.

Fu…To Hell with that! I laughed, I deserve one after a walk like that.

Still laughing at me puffing and panting the boys whispered something, then Khalid turned to me and asked nervously; Do you really want a smoke?

I was supposed to have given up…but…yes… at this minute I would absolutely love one. I replied.

Jonny, he turned to his friend, give her one.

Id love to; but will a fag do? The good looking teenager giggled.

When the penny dropped that Khalid had made an innuendo the laughter got even louder.

You boys will get me the sack! I chided them as I took the cigarette from the packet. Jonny knelt beside me as he lit it in his best James Bond manner.

Youre leaving anyway, the other boy, Fletcher, corrected me.

He was correct; this was my last day as a teacher in the UK and I was only doing this course as a favour to the Headmaster.

Im Nina and Im a 25yr old supply teacher in the North of England. Because I was sick of not knowing which school Id be at from one week to the next I was catching a train home to Bishop Stortford the next afternoon after Id safely put my three teenage charges on the coach home to Newcastle. Id been at this school 7 times in the last three years and had developed a good reputation among the pupils and staff, but knew that there was no chance that Id ever get a full-time job.

Every year twelve schools from the Newcastle area take part in an outward bound competition in the Lake District spread over four days. The Headmaster at Ponteland Comprehensive, where Id been teaching since January, was desperate for his school to do well for once; but Mr. Winnet who was meant to be in charge of a team of four had hurt his back so I was corralled into spending four days climbing hills, canoeing, orienteering and walking through rivers with three hormonally challenged 15 year olds while getting paid for it!

I already knew the three boys in the team from my time as their stand-in Maths teacher and hadnt had any real problems with them; even though they were all from the notorious Darras Hall Estate. These three were regarded as ‘saveable by the Headmaster and the course was their reward for 100% attendance and working hard.

Im a naturally sporty type of girl; so with my help and leadership we had been ‘neck and neck with Scotswood Grammar School and climbing this hill in the fastest time meant that we were the Champions!

Youd better finish that quick, miss! Jonny shouted, Walker Academy is nearly here.

Khalid and I took a last puff from our cigarettes and made a drama out of stubbing them out and wafting away the tell-tale smell of smoke, although there was a gale nearly blowing us away.

I grinned and shook my head when I read the sticker on the boys caravan door – ‘If the caravans a-rockin; dont come aknockin! Hardly appropriate for a group of schoolboys; I thought.

Whats going on here? I asked as I suspiciously sniffed the air in their caravan when I went to collect them to go to the evening meal and presentation.

Nothing, Miss. They all chimed in unison.

If thats what I think it is, you really will get me sacked. I tried not to grin as I definitely smelt dope in the air.

The boys didnt admit to anything and we made our way across the muddy field to the main building. It was quite a distance as we had been allocated two caravans at the far end of a large field; the other schools had large tents closer to the main building and toilet block.

You look nice miss. Khalid told me as we walked past the other schools tents.

Thank you, I smiled in appreciation, a girl never knows what her luck will be like in a place like this.

I did actually; even though I was wearing a nice short denim skirt and a fitted zip-up hooded top there was absolutely no way I was going to pull on my last night as an English school teacher. The best looking guy was obviously gay and the other teachers and the instructors all looked down their noses at my team as they were from a rough council estate that didnt fit into their ‘elite club.

After dinner and the short ceremony we tried to mingle with some of the other teams but when I had to stop Jonny from hitting a taller boy from Scotswood I thought that a tactical retreat was called for.

Have you got any of that stuff left that I didnt smell earlier? I asked Khalid as I pinned Jonny to the wall as a teacher from Jesmond led a whimpering boy away claiming that Jonny was ‘going to kill him.

He nervously looked at Jonny who was their natural leader; then nodded nervously, Why Miss?

I think that this young man needs to relax and, if memory serves me right, that should do the trick!

Youre cool, Miss, Fletcher told me, with a lop-sided grin, for a teacher!

I asked what he meant by that and the boys all told me why they liked me above all of the other teachers as we wandered back to their caravan.

The boys were being trusted not to wreck the van as they should have been chaperoned by Mr Winnet but he had got the train home earlier in the day.

As Khalid unlocked the door he turned and grinned, Weve got some booze too!

Why am I not surprised? I chuckled as I took a seat in the middle of the bay window.

Khalid brought his large rucksack in from the bedroom as Jonny produced a tin with 5 spliffs in it from his.

I shook my head in mild disbelief as they poured large measures of vodka into tumblers and topped it up with coke from the ceremony.

Where did this come from? I asked as I put the glass to my lips, I know you didnt bring it with you; we checked your bags.

This morning; when you were putting Winnet on the train, he grinned mischievously, I robbed two bottles and some cider out of the shop over the road.

The boys let out a cheer as I shook my head in mock disbelief.

Jonny opened his tin and offered me one of the spliffs.

Id rather have a ciggie if someone has one. I shrugged my shoulders, Ill have one of those later!

As we sipped the vodka and coke the boys bombarded me with questions: ‘Did I have a boyfriend? ‘Why was I leaving? ‘What was my home town like? ‘What was university like? ‘Had I ever taken drugs? ‘Did I have any tattoos or piercings?

It was fun talking to them and I tried to be as honest as possible as they genuinely wanted to know what life was like away from their town. I admitted to smoking dope and occasionally dropping a couple of Es and I had three tattoos; showing them the Angel on my shoulder and the Celtic design on my lower back but letting them guess where the other one was.

When Id finished my large glass of vodka and coke we all lit up the spliffs…WOW…Id forgotten how good that stuff could be and how powerful.

My head was spinning when Fletcher handed me a second large glass of vodka.

My legs were now curled underneath and I began asking about their lives. It wasnt long before they started talking about girls.

As the drink and dope began to take effect we were all in a giggly mood and the boys became braver as they talked about the girls and other female teachers in very personal terms.

I began by admitting to being quite wild at University but not actually telling them exactly what Id done – just letting them guess; which was fun.

The boys quickly became excited when I didnt blush or rein them in so their questions soon became very sexy and personal.

‘Did I play with myself? ‘Did I use sex toys? ‘Had I ever been with another girl? ‘Had I ever seen a porn film? ‘Do you suck cock, Miss?

Without hesitating I replied, Yes or of course, to just about everything.

The boys were all grinning and had twinkles in their eyes as they continued asking me about my sex life and confessed to all sorts of things that theyd been getting up to with the girls at school who Id previously thought relatively innocent! How wrong I was!

Jonny told me that Nadia gave the best blow-jobs because her tongue was pierced but Carly would let them cum on her face.

Apparently at least five girls in 5c, including both Thompson twins, had shaved their pubes off! I couldnt remember if I even had pubes at that age!

Their dirty language and descriptions were now making me very, very horny and I was beginning to think I should leave them as I really needed to frig myself.

What do girls think about when they play with themselves? Fletcher asked.

All sorts, I guess. I answered then took a draw on the last spliff that Khalid had passed to me.

Like fantasies? he continued.

Yes, I raised my eyebrows in mock amazement, girls have sexy fantasies just like guys.

All three looked genuinely amazed and it was only then that I remembered how young and immature they really were.

So what are your fantasies Miss? Jonny asked me.

Ooh, I couldnt possibly say. I said as coyly as possible.

I nearly gave the game away when Khalid immediately started talking about him and his elder brother roasting a girl as her 15th birthday present.

By this time I was permanently squirming in my seat and I was sure that Jonny and Khalid were looking up my skirt and could see my red panties. They certainly made no attempt to hide their bulges that where poking through their jogging pants as they moved into the corner of the sofa for a clearer look.

.

Im going to have to go for a wank now! Jonny snorted as he thrust his hands inside his pants and finally adjusted his hard dick. I uncurled my legs to make myself more comfortable; making sure that they got an unobstructed flash of my soaking knickers and hopefully some of my gash as I knew my pussy would be sucking the gusset in.

Would you like me to do that for you? I smiled.

The poor kid didnt know what to do or say.

Im serious, I beamed, as I took another slurp of vodka, do you want me to wank you off?

The boys nervously looked at each other, unable to comprehend what Id just said.

I manoeuvred until I was kneeling on the sofa and facing the 15 year old schoolboys.

Oh come on guys, I pleaded as I slowly unzipped my top, youve got to know how horny youve made me.

The boys were still silent but now grinning madly.

Ill show you mine if youll show me yours. I giggled as I took my top off then seductively cupped and stroked my tits through my pale blue lacy Wonderbra.

Ive always had nice tits…no thats not quite right…I have fucking lovely tits…everyone says so! They are medium sized (32b), firm and pliable clay and my nipples poke up to the sky. They have passed ‘the pencil test several times!

Jonny shrugged his shoulders and pulled the waistband of his pants down with one hand and waved his prick at me with the other.

Mmmm, that looks nice. I purred as I unhooked my bra and let it fall to the caravan floor. Do you like my tits?

The boys nervously nodded. Jonny and Khalid were still in front of me but Fletcher was sitting slightly behind getting a good view of my arse as well as a side view of my tits.

Get your cocks out and Ill show you my tattoo! I teased as I unbuttoned the side of my skirt.

Khalid quickly whipped his out closely followed by Fletcher. Their cocks looked gorgeous; Khalids was about 6 inches long and quite thick and a lot darker than his olive skin – I couldnt wait to suck it! Jonnys was about the same length but not as fat and Fletchers was short and fat – just like him.

I could feel the sweat running down my back as I stood up and let my skirt fall to the floor. The boys couldnt take their eyes off me as I slowly pulled the front of my knickers down so that they could see my hairy pie and my little red devil tattoo but not quite everything.

I dropped my chin onto my chest, fluttered my eyelashes as innocently as possible and told them, Well, Ive seen yours…would you like to see mine?

Fuck yes! Fletcher gasped as he stroked his cock. Actually they were all slowly masturbating in a well practiced manner. Thats another thing about me…I love watching guys play with themselves…as long as there is some left for me.

It took a tug to prize my knickers out of my sticky pussy but Khalids jaw nearly hit the floor when he saw the long string of juice that was stuck to the gusset!

I slowly looked around the caravan at my three students. They were like putty in my hands as they devoured my naked body with their eyes – they were going to be my sexual play-things for the rest of the night.

Do you still want me to …wank you off? I suggestively licked my lips and met Jonnys gaze, or would you like me suck it?

Ooh, Miss…suck me off…PLEASE MISS! Jonny pleaded.

I rested my knee on the seat and leant forward, jiggling my tits for him when I gently wrapped my fingers around his hot pink shaft. Perhaps it was stage-fright but it wasnt as hard now as when he had first flashed it at me; but I would soon put that right.

Does that feel good? I asked. The boy grinned and nodded. Lets see if the Teachers better at sucking cocks than her pupils?

Ahughaghaghooohhh. He groaned when I covered his swollen plum and kept on pushing until his squishy cock filled my mouth and my chin touched his hairy bollocks.

God his young cock tasted lovely…all hot and sweaty just how I like them. Years of practice came in useful as I began fucking his cock with my mouth as I breathed through my nose. Just as I hoped it instantly began to stiffen and filled my mouth so I had to eventually let most of it glide out so I could suck him comfortably and stroke his shaft and balls.

My head was spinning as I put on a show for his friends; slurping and sucking his dick like a porn actress.

Squeeze my tits! I whispered in between slurps.

Jonny slid his hand around my neck and began caressing my breast; making me gasp when he touched the nipple.

Squeeze them harder! I pleaded, Dig your fingers into my tits!

Oh fuck! he gasped but obeyed, digging his nails into my flesh and shaking my puppies like a kitten with a ball of wool.

When I felt his balls tighten and his breathing became shallower I tightly gripped the base of his shaft and making sure my breath engulfed his knob I looked up into his glazed eyes.

Miss! Im cumming! He warned me, MISS! My balls are aching…Im cumming!

Do you want to cum on the Teachers face? I teased Youd like that wouldnt you? Spunking all over her face!

Yes, yes, yes! He winced and manically nodded his head as I flicked my tongue across his japs-eye.

Go on then, I whispered as I furiously rubbed his shaft and aimed his piss-hole at my face.

I too was now squealing with delight as he tried to pull my nipple out of its roots when the first jet of hot teenage spunk splashed across my face, then another and the third landed in my eye.

Oh God! Oh fucking God…Miss! He gasped as I sucked the last dregs of salty spunk out of his cock.

Delirious with desire I raised myself up onto my feet. As his spunk dripped down my face I asked, Who wants to be next?

Me Miss! Me Miss! Fletcher shouted as he raised his arm in the air for attention, forgetting that he wasnt in class.

I picked my knickers off the floor and wiped the excess cum off my face then lay down next to him with my face in his lap.

His short stubby cock looked lovely as I licked some bitter pre-cum out of his tip.

As I stroked his cock I turned to the other two, I need one of you to lick my cunt.

They both looked shocked that Id used the C word. It hadnt dawned on me that the boys and I had probably used every other word in the dictionary during our sexy chat but at this moment in time it wasnt a vagina or a pussy between my legs it was a CUNT a hot and horny CUNT that needed a good tonguing.

Jonny instantly knelt on the floor and pulled my legs apart; staring at my hot pink gash.

Ive never done this before, Miss. What do I do? He looked at me excitedly.

Just lick it like its an ice cream then, I told him as I pulled the sticky flaps apart to expose my clitoris which was sticking out like a third nipple, then flick your tongue like crazy over that.

Ill try my best miss. He said in a soft voice. Even the boys calling me ‘Miss was becoming such a fucking turn-on!

Oooooohhhhh yeesssss! I moaned when he made his tongue glide up my groove.

He was a fucking natural; his untrained tongue lapped up my love juices and he sucked on my labia as his fingers stroked and caressed the inside of my thighs and the crack of my arse.

After a minute or so I bent over to greedily eat Fletchers fat prick. We moaned and groaned in unison as his cock fit perfectly into my mouth and Jonnys tongue fit perfectly into my sopping cunt.

Yeh….yeh…yeh…yeh! Fletcher kept gasping as he twirled my around his fingers as my mouth created a vacuum around his dick.

Without using words I made him spread his legs so I could get a tight grip on his hairless sack while I bobbed my head and swirled my tongue around the purple knob.

Oohya! I yelped when Jonnys tongue suddenly touched my clit making me jump and I let the cock slip out of my mouth.

YES….YES…YES! I cried out, Finger me! Finger me!

Jonny dutifully poked my twat with a long middle finger giving me a little bit of relief as I returned to my oral administrations on his fat friend.

Fletcher grabbed two handfuls of hair and began bouncing in his seat as he fucked my mouth. I met each thrust with a bob of my head as Jonny did wonderful things to my cunt and clit with his fingers and tongue.

My whole body seemed to convulse as I gave and received oral at both ends.

Aaaaaggghhh! Fletcher gasped as he neared orgasm.

More fingers! I shouted to Jonny as my own fingers furiously wanked the fat cock until it showered my face with thick lumpy spunk.

He inserted a second then a third finger and viciously licked my throbbing clit until I panted for air then WOW!!!! A mind blowing orgasm flooded my body. I didnt scream or cry out like I usually do…I just grinned myself silly as the sweetest feeling in the world engulfed my whole being as Fletcher covered my lips with solid globules of sticky cum.

My orgasm left me shattered so I flopped back against the cushions and gently stroked my tingling cunt for their amusement.

Khalid was now standing naked in the middle of the floor stroking a stiffy that looked like it was going to burst.

Come here baby, I whispered and patted the cushion nearest my head, and Teacher will take care of that ache for you!

He didnt need telling twice and was soon waving his dark uncut cock in front of my face. I couldnt wait either and immediately filled my mouth with my third rock hard teenage cock.

My tits…my tits! I moaned, Do what Jonny did and squeeze Teachers titties for her…nice and hard…hurt me!

His hairy olive fingers were soon mauling my mounds as I sucked his dark pipe for him.

Oh yes…thats good! I grunted with a mouth full of cock as he stretched my pink rosebud nipples as far as they would go, making me suck the life out of his young dong.

As the third boy to get his cock sucked I knew that he wouldnt last as long as the others and I was right. Khalid soon grabbed my head and forced his long thin dick past my tonsils and came straight into the back of my throat and down my neck.

I was now insatiable and judging by the three hard cocks that were in front of me so were they!

Now… fuck me! I called to Jonny as I lay flat on my back and spread my legs for my young lover, curling one ankle over the back cushion so that my hairy cunt was on show to the whole world.

With a huge grin on his face he knelt between my splayed legs and eagerly guided his six inches of throbbing cock into my willing hole.

Ooohhh yes baby! I panted as his cock filled me up, does that feel good fucking your teacher?

Yes Miss it does, he chuckled as he began thrusting his hips and forcing his cock into my belly, Its fucking…fucking amazing!

My head was shaking from side to side and I was playing with my over sensitive tits as Jonny proved to me that he hadnt been lying about fucking lots of girls at his tender age…he was quite a swordsman.

Fuck her mouth, Jonny told the others, one of you fuck her mouth…lets roast her!

The smile on my face would have lit up London when Khalid suddenly appeared next to my face and forced his cock past my lips for a second time.

I was in raptures as Jonny forced my legs back until my knees touched my tits making his long thick cock tickle the inside of my belly and the darker boy grasped two large handfuls of my mousey brown hair as he wildly fucked my mouth and throat. All I had to do was lie back and enjoy it as they now treat me as their sexual plaything for nearly fifteen minutes.

Jonny hadnt cum and sweat was pouring from his face when Fletcher begged him ‘for a go!

Okay, he panted, but Im not finished with her.He had hardly pulled his cock out when Fletcher lunged forward.

Wait! I gasped as I pushed Khalid away from my face, let me get on top…I want to cum again.

I positioned Fletcher so he was sitting on the sofa and I straddled him. His thick cock felt wonderful as it stretched my aching cunt. I quickly accustomed myself to his girth and rocked backwards and forward rubbing my clit against his pubic bone as I squashed my tits against his face.

The other two wandered off and opened the bottle of cider as I fucked their fat friend within an inch of his life!

No matter what I did to him; I couldnt cum. I bounced on his cock, I ground down hard, I twisted and rotated, I fucked him fast and I fucked him slow – nothing! I kept getting close but nothing.

I was becoming desperate when I spotted Jonny and Khalid whispering conspiratorially; then giggling like the teenagers that they were.

Jonny stood on the sofa and edged towards me waving his flaccid cock in front of my face. I didnt need asking twice and hungrily gobbled his young meat as I bounced on the fat cock in my cunt.

Id been with two guys at University once and had dreamt of doing it again; never dreaming that it would be with school kids; but tonight it seemed so much sexier and dirtier than in my fantasies; especially because they called it ‘spit-roasting.

If fucking and sucking two cocks was exciting Khalid soon moved the action up a gear!

As I ground my pussy down onto Fletchers cock Khalid began shaking my tits with one hand and stroking and nipping my arse with his other.

Go on. Jonny urged him as he held my head while I sucked and licked his rock hard shaft.

Khalid nervously ran a finger between my arse cheeks and hovered a finger tip over my anus as he rolled my nipple between his fingers then tugged on it just the way I liked.

Go on! Jonny was becoming agitated, Shes not stopping you, is she?

Without any warning he jabbed a bony finger past my sphincter and about in inch or more slid inside my arse making me gasp…with pleasure!

Ugh…ugh…good. I gurgled.

I fucking told you she would like it! Jonny admonished his young friend. Khalid soon realised that I was enjoying having his finger up my arse while the other two ‘roasted me he soon began twisting my nipples and finger fucking my arse with two fingers.

Fletcher broke off from suckling my tit to ask; have you ever been water-tight Miss?

What? I asked as Jonny sat on the top of the cushion watching the action.

Airtight you dozy cunt! The good looking boy laughed, Airtight!

I shook my head and raised my eyebrows to let him know I still didnt know what he meant.

There was a look of surprise then delight on his face as he told me; you take three cocks at once…one in each hole.

Id never heard of such a thing but the crazy grin on my face must have told him that I wanted to try it…NOW!

Right…get up bollocks face, Jonny said as he slapped Fletcher on the shoulder, lets change places.

We took a moment or two to decide who was going where and which would be the most comfortable way to perform this lewd sexual act.

As I gulped down a belly full of cool cider, we agreed that I would fuck Jonny, suck Fletcher and because he had the thinnest cock; Khalid would be the first to fuck my arse!

I was shaking with excitement as I fed Jonnys 6 inches into my well fucked cunt. When I was comfortable Khalid lined the tip of his dick against my puckered anus and spit a gobful of saliva between my cheeks as lubrication. I clung onto Jonny as Khalid slowly worked his cock into my virgin arse-hole.

Agh…ugh…ooh! I grunted through gritted teeth as my arse felt as if it was being torn in two.

Oh shit! The boys gasped in unison.

I can feel your fucking dick touching mine! Jonny giggled as only a thin membrane separated to hard cocks inside my body.

After making sure that the boys wouldnt budge I slowly rotated my hips and gently moved my arse so that their cocks moved a little bit as I became acclimatised to the feeling of being full beyond belief.

Okay, I nervously told them, but be gentle with me.

Thankfully Jonnys position meant that he couldnt be as forceful as he would have liked to be and my arsehole was too tight for Khalid to fuck too fast so I was soon nearly hallucinating with sexual elation.

After a couple of minutes I began to relax and the three of us began moving with a bit more freedom making me groan and moan and gasp and giggle with gratification.

Now…now! I gasped and nodded to Fletcher, Im ready…make me airtight!

Fletcher shuffled along the sofa and placed his purple knob on my bottom lip. I nodded my head and his fat cock stretched my mouth and jaw.

I snorted and gagged but I wasnt going to stop now! I could feel my poop-chute stretch and loosen up with every thrust from Khalid and the more relaxed I became the harder Jonny banged his cock into my cunt from down below.

Fireworks were soon going off in my head and clitoris as I began spontaneously orgasming. Little ones, big ones, short ones long ones…one after another untilI was just hanging on to the boys…like a limp rag.

Yes…yes…YES! Khalid wheezed as he rammed his dick into my arse like a fucking piston then suddenly stopped as he filled my shit-hole with his cream. His cock came out of my arse a lot easier than it went in!

Get off me! Jonny demanded as soon as the other boy stepped away. I want to fuck

your arse.

He virtually pushed me away in his haste to bugger me. As soon as he was standing behind me he forced me back onto my knees and spread my cheeks to view his friends handiwork.

Oh man, he exhaled noisily, that looks so fucking sweet…look… your spunks still coming out!

I was now trembling with anticipation as Jonny tentatively nudged his fat cockhead against my tingling anus. Khalid had stretched my poop-chute but Jonnys cock was definitely fatter and it still wasnt that easy for him to get his knob past my sphincter.

Aaaaahhhgggggg! I howled as he finally plunged his dick into my arse. As soon as the knob entered the rest just slid in like greased lightening. AaaaaaAAAGGGGHHHHHH you bastard! I screamed again when he began fucking my arse as hard as he had my cunt, but it didnt stop him.

I was biting my lip and had my face buried into a cushion to stifle the pain as he pummelled my arse with his thick six inches. The pain was becoming unbearable and electrifying so I didnt want him to stop.

Oh Jonny, Jonny, Jonny!I cried with tears of joy running down my face, Harder baby…harder…fuck my arse…fuck the teachers arse!

The teenager was now grunting like a wild animal as he revelled in the discomfort he was causing me.

Thats it…yes…yes…yes! he groaned as he speeded up just before he too filled my anal cavity with lovely teenage spunk.

When he withdrew his cock I could feel my hole gaping open and the overflowing spunk running down my thighs.

Its your turn now. Jonny wheezed and pushed Fletcher with the extra wide cock forward.

My arse was already stinging from the two buggerings Id just had but when Fletch pushed his fat mushroom in I gasped and felt like Id died and gone to Heaven. This boy was in no hurry and fucked my arse very slowly – each stroke nearly turning it inside out.

Oh baby, baby, I whined, that feels so fucking good. Youre making Teachers arse very, very sore and I fucking love it!

As the other two boys sat in front of me taking it in turns to feed their cocks into my mouth I panted, Thats it…faster…faster…fill my arse with your hot spunk…go on do it!

Hearing my husky voice sent him over the top and I felt my arse get warmer as he filled it with hot spunk.

Over the next hour or so the boys fucked me in every combination imaginable.

When I eventually collapsed, exhausted on the floor, my arse had been fucked ragged and my cunt was nearly worn out and my jaw was aching so much I could hardly speak; but I didnt care…this was the fucking of a fucking lifetime.

Id heard about the staying power of young boys but…shit… these boys were out of this fucking world.

I could hardly move the next morning when I woke up in a sleeping bag next to Jonny. I pulled on my top and skirt and hobbled to the shower block like John Wayne after a 200 mile horse ride.

I stood shivering with aches and pains under the hot shower; hardly able to wash myself as I relived the previous evenings events over and over and over again in my head.Pangs of guilt struck me as I got dressed in my tiny caravan but I reminded myself that the boys had promised to keep what we did a secret (hardly likely – I know) and after all in five days I would be on the other side of the world starting a new life in New Zealand.

https://www.superbestaudiofriends.org/index.php?members/olevridis.10679/#info

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Life After Snowpiercer: End of the Line

Summery- Matts Alive! Curtis is given a choice, learns the truth about the kids, You are attacked, and also still alive! Some non con implied, but all mild. 

Word Count- 5806

Chapter 4 / Masterlist 

Curtis just shook his head in disbelief at the man before him, certainly grown up from the eleven year old boy he knew, but somethings never change. His eyes, Your eyes looking back at him, but they held a bit of coldness in them that yours didnt. “H-ow? What is going on. They TOOK you Matt.”Although Curtis always assured you to hold out hope Matt was alive, he knew the likelihood was not good, but he could have hope to keep you from feeling hopeless. Then after you had healed, accepted that it was a possibility, you still had the nightmares, crying in the dark for your brother, Curtis waking to your sobs and cradling you in close to protect you... of course he couldnt let you suffer like that. But here Matt was, alive.

“Yea, Wilford saved me Curtis from a life of shit. You all did this to yourselves back there. Always plotting and scheming to take control of what isnt fucken yours.” Matt looked his nose down at Curtis, glancing away at Claude and smiling fondly at her. “She knew that I wasnt like that, did you sweetheart?” He caressed the womans face and leaned down to peck her lips. “Nams still alive out there, can you watch over him and his daughter till were finished in here.” She complied with a soft nod, leaving the three men alone.

Wilford cleared his throat. “Oh trust me Curtis, Matt took a while to understand what the truth was. But he came around, didnt you son?” Smiling almost loving at Matt. “He understands what the train needs from him, and Im an old man now, I wont be here forever. You and Matt working together, well this train is my legacy and will continue on forever. With some help of course.” He moved to open a cupboard and Timmy crawled out, Curtis eyes widening at this next shock. Timmy to was alive! The boy just ignored Curtis though and proceeded to go up the stairs, and enter in a car.

“Timmy? What are you doing, get back here?!” Curtis called to the boy, but he merely buckled himself in and whoosh, he was gone. Curtis turned to look at Wilford and Matt “Where the fuck did he go?!”

“Into the engine of course, it builds up crud, and kids like Timmy, they clear it out, also run some of the gears that need help. Reason we need all those kids from the tail end is although the train is self sustaining, the parts wear out. Many have gone extinct, and we have no way to replace them anymore. We ran out of metal for workers to mold. So we need someone who can fit into tight spaces. Gotta be about 4 or 5, you tail enders are always so scrawny. When they outsize, we replace them.”

Jesus fucking christ... how many kids have they taken over the years? At least over 2 dozen. Oh Curtis.... He could hear your sorrow now, it broke your voice, picture the tears streaming down your face as you mourned for all those babies you all lost in the tale end. Curtis growled out “What happens once they age out?”

Matt rolled his shoulders nonchalant like “Well if someone here wants one, they can just take them as there own, or if no one else can use them in there service, we execute them. Originally we were just gonna bring them back, but hell over crowding has started becoming an issue. You all really need to learn more creative fucking methods. What was the term you used the other day Wilford? ‘Like a bunch of god damn rabbits back there?” He chuckled at his attempt of wit.

What the fuck did they do to you Matt?!

They have no idea, thought Curtis, all the people they broke taking the children. The parents weve found that died because it broke there heart, shattered there will to live. How many women in the tail end lived in FEAR, not at the dangers of child birth, but that they might lose there children and can not stop it. How many times you confessed to him that you just couldnt get pregnant, it was just to dangerous to bring a life into all this, although he knew that you want nothing more then to be a mom one day. They had no idea they caused all that pain.

Curtis, they fully know. They just dont care. Your voice flat, the truth.

Wilford shook his head, chuckling “Now now, we need them more now then ever. As I said before, the front end and tail end work together. We provide them with shelter, food and safety, they provide us with necessary replacement train parts and the occasional entertainment of cleaning up the excess baggage the train carries. Already were running smoother then before thanks to The Great Curtis Revolution.” That fucker is was still trying to make that a thing, Curtis could already see you rolling your eyes.

Matt cheerfully turned back towards Curtis. “And I heard that Y/N will be coming  up to the front, since you two seem to be an item now. I say Curtis you will have more options now then just her if you want. Im sure after all this time your getting bored of her. Although I cant say Im surprised about you two, she always followed you since she met you like a little whimpering puppy. How is she anyways? I haven't thought about her in a while till Wilford brought you up. I suspect shes well.”

Curtis brows came together in anger at the mans words, at everything. That was his sister and he talked about her as if she was just a item Curtis happened to have possession of. “You havent thought about her? Your fucken kidding right? That woman constantly thinks about you, every damn day. Everything she does for others in the tail end is in your memory Matt. Even after all these years she has nightmares about how she couldnt save you, She thinks you will hate her because she cant get to you. And you havent thought about her this whole time?!” Curtis started laughing, shaking his head at all of it. Anger just making him snap at this point. “I cant believe im having this conversation with you of all people Matt. Fuck my life, they brainwashed you man. Everything about this.” Curtis waved his hand around and looked back at Matt, the laughter having died, now it was just cold facts he was raging out. “All this, its maybe more messed up then us starving and eating people, we were just trying to survive. You all think your some kind of gods for supposedly saving us and were a fucking game, you cant see why its so fucked up though, can you?!.”

Matt looked appalled over the outburst and Wilford spoke up “God Curtis your so over dramatic, cant you loosen up? Your acting like the fate of the world rests on you. Trust me, you have no control over that, and sounds like a good thing. I doubt you could handle that pressure. Look at you, so tightly wound.” Wilford made a motion like he had gone stiff, shaking.

Matt snorted in anger at the situation. “You act like you all werent happy for me, that it was my fault I earned my place by Wilfords side.” he basically spat out this next line. “That I should even care about what happened to either of you. That I deserved to be in that same shit hole as you? Wilford you really cant be serious about having Curtis be our Minister. He still lives in the old world view, has yet to embrace new world values. We are FUCKING GODS Curtis, make no mistake. Our word is the law on this train. People like my sister, all this for the people bullshit yall preached back there all the time, have no real place here. You both will get it soon enough.”

This was the final straw, Curtis couldnt, he just couldnt deal with the vile they were spewing, the lives they themselves sacrificed to try to kill him, and it was all a game to them, let alone the friends Curtis dragged into danger to get him here. With a twist, he tackled Wilford first, he had a pistol in his robes, it made sense. His right hand reared back and he caught the man unaware. When Curtis fist impacted, Wilfords head snapped back with a gush of blood exploding from his mouth and nose, those iced blue eyes rolled back and yes, it was that easy to just knock his senses askew.

Matt on the other hand had the upper hand, and he tried locking Curtis arms to his side, but a quick whip with his head backwards cracked against Mats face, and he howled out in anger and pain, releasing his hold against Curtis and cupping his face. “Your Fucker! You son of a bitch, I will kill you!” he screamed out. Clearly Matt forgot anything he learned in the tail end, cause he didnt even prepare for Curtis kick of his heavy treaded boots, hitting squarely in the chest and threw him back into the kitchenette.

Reaching wildly, Matt was able to grasp hold of a butcher knife from a black, slashing it so completely out of sync, that as Curtis ascended on him, he ducked backwards quickly when it wildly arched to him and his hand grabbed Mats wrist, twisting and crushing it in his single hand as he drew in close to the man, his hand grabbing his other hand to keep him from hitting him. “I would like to see you try, I came up here expecting alot more then over privileged cum stains like yourselves. Your finished.” He twisted Matts wrist further till he heard a snap, the knife clashing to the metal floor. Matt howled, not one of those cries out of pain, no this was a howl that almost sounded animalistic, he wrung his hand out of Curtis grasp and cradled it to his chest. Wasting no more time, Curtis ended up bashing his head into the overhead cupboards till he felt him go limp, releasing him to the floor. “Y/N, your brothers a fucking dick...” he muttered to himself.

One last issue to really take care of, Claude, she was out there guarding Yona and Nam. He heard her voice from outside of the gate, and going up behind it, he waited till he could see her yellow arm stretch beyond the gate, gun pointing inwards “Mat? answer me hon” and at that moment, Curtis pushed the door as hard as possible, crushing her into the door frame. She yelped out in pain and Curtis reached around to fist his hand in her hair and drag her into the room, kicking at her hand until it knocked the gun out. “Yona get in here now.” Claude hissed as she twisted and turned to get loose from Curtis and he gave her a vigorous shake to stun her, her hands trying to tug his loose from her scalp. “Your dead buddy, wait till Matt finds out you even touched me with your filthy paws.”

“I dont think hes doing much for a while sweetheart” Curtis promised her when Yona appeared in the room, wrinkling her nose at the scene before her. “We thought they would have killed you Curtis” She said softly while Nam followed along behind, sluggish. His face was pale and the rag he had pressed in his chest was soaked, still dripping big heavy drops of blood, gravity making a steady drip drip drip echo softly in this metal dungeon. “Not yet, they had other ideas apparently. Yona, can you sense where Timmy is? He went into the engine and we got to pull him out.” She had displayed hints of Clairvoyance throughout there journey, and she nodded, turning away to start searching. Claude chose this moment to start up again, smacking Curtis right in his gut and groin causing him to cuss out and tighten his grip in her hair to keep from releasing her.

“Fucken bitch” he hissed and having had enough of her, he knocked her upside the head, her screaming the whole time till she to went silent as her partners, she to was simply dropped to the floor with a thump. Still trying to catch his air once again, the ache going dull easy to ignore. Dont underestimate them Curtis a familiar whispered voice came to him, taking quick glances at the other two. He went to check Wilford, collecting his pistol still in his robe, and hobbled over to where Claude lost hers near the door. Handing one off to Nam, he spoke softly to him, to keep Yona from breaking concentration. “Are you okay?”

“Yea im fine.” The man grunted in his language, loosely translated by the box hanging off his neck. Just then he coughed and spat a wad of blood. It was clear he wasnt fine, just from the way he was wheezing, Curtis guessed at this point his lungs were filling with fluid. He had heard it before with others in the tail end. No one here was trained to drain it either, sure now that anyone who could was probably dead. He gave Nam a knowing look and the man cast a downwards glance. “Dont tell Yona, not yet.”

It was then Yona sprawled to the floor, clawing to pry up a tile “Curtis, hes here! Hes right under the tile.” her fingers scrambled against the smooth tile, and Curtis grabbed the abandoned butcher knife, wedging the tip into a crack, pushing till it popped open. What they opened was unlike anything Curtis had seen before. The small boy was squatting among the gears, digging his hands into chunks of oily gunk and digging it out, flinching every now and then when a piece of metal gear would cut shallowly into him, his arms were covered in bloody shallow knicks. Robotic like motions, he plunged his hand into the gunk and scooped out a handful. “Timmy! Timmy look up!” The little boy looked up, but it wasnt like he was seeing Curtis, more like through him. Curtis whats wrong with him? “Timmy you gotta get out of there, can you go back out?” I dont know Baby, I dont know what they done to him.

The boy just ignored him, his sightless gaze going back to the task at hand, and it was then Wilford made his presence known with a heavy groan, pushing himself up to a sit, swiping at his face. “Maybe I made a mistake with you Curtis... “ His gaze bleary as he sought out Curtis and Yona kneeling over the hole. “You just dont get what were doing here, cant see the bigger picture.” He moved to get up and Nam came between them, wheezing worst then before but ready to defend them. They were running out of time and Curtis knew it. A glance at his hand was the resolve he needed. I mean, it was the sacrifice he originally was going to make in a sense anyways. And into the gears his arm shot, stopping everything in its tracks, almost immediantly the gears all locked up, the train shuddered and wobbled unsteady.

Nam was blocking Wilford from ascending, but was struggling, surprise the gun had no fucking bullets in it, Yona reached in the gaps and stretched to reach for Timmy, who still seemed oblivious to what was going on above them. “Please Timmy, take my hand.” She turned her head to the side and stretched further, facing Matt whom now was starting to groan as well, Yona started to panic “Curtis, fuck hes waking up!” Panting through the pain of his arm getting crushed in the gears, he glanced to see Matt roll to his back, covering his face with a series of curses. Curtis, get my baby out of there, please! This time it was Tonyas voice yelling at him to save her child. Pushing Yona back with his free hand, he shot it into the one slot Timmy might fit through and grasped the boys skinny arm, hauling him up and pushing him to Yona who wrapped him up in her arms and started to pull back.

Matts foot connected squarely with Cutis jaw, wrenching his arm out of the gears, half skinning it in the process, his whole body flinging backwards. The enraged man landed on Curtis, trying to choke him out with his single hand, his broke wrist still cradling against his chest. Even with both short the use of an arm, Curtis was able to overpower him, pushing him to sprawl backwards. In there scuffle, the gun Curtis had tucked away in his jacket fell out and in both of there lunge to retrieve it, they scuffled it across the floor to land in the open hole. Matts eyes widened a bit “Oh shit!” It took a second for Curtis to understand what the issue was, yes that gun was loaded and it was currently twisting into the gears, making the entire train shudder, then a ping ping ping!

The pressure had set off the bullets in the weapon, and all around them steam shot out of the pipes. Everyone stopped what they were doing, looking around with fear at the reaction, and there was another mighty shudder. “Its gonna go off the tracks, good job fuckers!” Wilford hissed out in a panicked rage. Another shudder and the nose of the train must have hit something, an ice block on the tracks Baby your voice sounding scared in his confused mind, cause it jerked upwards, loosing traction on the track, without the wheels working in tandem to keep the forward momentum. It scrambled everyone, slamming them to the left side, Curtis skidded on his backside, crashing into Matt, who slammed into the kitchenette cabinets. The kids they went flying backwards towards the half opened gate, falling into the car just behind, Wilford and Nam entangled together smashed into the bolted down kitchen table. Claude, she screamed in fear at just waking up to everyone being whipped around spinning backwards across the floor. The engine started to tip to its side. The side of the Engine suddenly was ripped away with a screech of metal and sparks, having hit cliff side rocks. Wilford and Nam got sucked out of the giant hole, and thats when Curtis went black, something falling and smashing him in the skull.

During this time, in the tail end, James was dragging you back down the aisle, your body bouncing against random bunks and junk scattered around from where they had torn everything apart. Finally he tossed you to sprawl on the ground and fell on your stomach, bouncing enough to knock the air out of you. “I thought we already talked about this hunny, just be a good girl and spread them. Not that I dont like it when you all fight a bit.” Thinking he had subdued you, he pulled back to hike up your coat and shirts to what he claimed as his prize. .

Taking a chance you twist and shoot a foot out to hit him in his chest to topple backwards and start to crawl away, but a large hand encircled your ankle and jerk you to fall on your belly with a omph! Panicked, your hands shoot out under a bunk to see if theres anything to hold onto. Your hand closes around a small shard, fitting in the palm. You snatch it as he keeps dragging you back, flipping you to your back with a smirk.

Calm down Y/N, wait for the right opportunity. Of course it was Curtis calm voice, the one he used when he was bringing you back from a panic attack. You take a deep breath, and change tactics on James, stopping trying to fight, you hold up a hand in surrender. “Please, I give! What do you want?” James hand fisted in your mess of hair, tipping your head back till your throat was exposed. Dragging his tongue over you, you fight back a wave of bile burning your throat at the feeling of the man all over you. “well what do you think sweetheart, I want your sweet pussy gripping the best dick you ever had and begging for more.” God how the fuck do you not gag at that. Concentrate Baby. Praise how good he is. you shudder in the mans grip as he starts to palm a bruised breast, twisting it painfully like before. Do I really have to Curtis?

Trust me Babygirl

“You made me feel so damn good last time, and I was so ungrateful.” trying to make your voice husky with false lust and looking up at him wide eyed. Reaching up you cup James face and bite your lip, giving it your all. “But how about this time you let me make you feel good? A thank you.” Leaning up your brush your lips against his, really putting your all into drawing him into the kiss. Fucker fell for it, and he got caught up in what you were doing with your tongue, where your hands were running all over him, palming his crotch through his pants. “Biggest ive ever had” Cant believe Im saying this. God I hate you bastards. You were fighting everything in you to not start crying in disgust. Finally when he was panting against your lips, you push him hard enough to make him roll, his hands grasping your hips to have you follow, and now.... now you fucking dick head, I have you right where I want you, you think triumphant when you straddle his stomach.

That you do baby, you know what to do next. Curtis hissed in your mind. Dont hesitate, hard and quick.

Arching up, you smile so sweetly at James looking up at you hazily. “God I knew you were a good fuck, but this is even better then I thought it could be.Tell me im the best, better then whatever his name was.” Tracing his chest, and winking at him to respond. “Oh baby, Curtis was nothing like you.” And with a quick twist of your wrist, you shove that shard of metal in his eye, pressing down hard and quick with your palm as you could. You literally felt it pop, and the warmth of blood shoot against your palm. “Hes every fucking thing a man should be!” Smashing your hand against the next vulnerable part of him, his nose, he bucks in pain underneath you, shooting you off. Tumbling, you scramble up and start running towards the back as James is screeching, dodging the unsuspecting hands of other guards reaching out of the bunks they were laying in, some of them following James choices and there captives started to fight back in the confusion you caused. “GET THAT WHORE!” James screeching, his hand covering his eye as he struggled up, red gore oozing between his fingers.

You were looking for anyplace to hide when thrown off your feet violently.

It wasnt another person, the train started rattling on its tracks and screeching, fishtailing back and forth. One violent turn and you were flung into the bars of a bunk, screaming out as pain blossomed white hot through your spine, tumbling now. Bottom was above you, crashing onto what should have been the roof of the train, items pelting you, bouncing off and crushing you. Your cries of shock and pain turning ragged when it all rolled once more, going right side up, the kids and other survivors going through a similar experience, whipping around and around as it kept rolling and bouncing. The back end of the train had gone off the side of a cliff and falling into a valley under the tracks. everyone whipped around and around, till it crashed to a stand still.

Groaning you push up under a bunch of random debris, and try to focus. Leaning over and puking from the dizziness, you push away from the mess and look around at other passengers and guards pushing themselves out of the mess, somewhere bright light was streaming in. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, you have to figure out how to get one of there guns before they take control again. Pushing up, you stumble around people, some of them eerily still, twisted bodies and blank stares. Not all survived. Relief flooded you as you saw more and more kids scrambling to your side. “Quick, find anything we can use as a weapon.” urging them with a hushed voice, they scattered to fulfill your request. Coming across a dead guard, your quick to strip him off anything valuables. Shouldering a rifle over your shoulder, more children and some of the women came back, fight in the adults eyes, most of the kids holding something they could use.

“Hey, Yall get yer asses back here!” some fucker drawled heavy accented, and a look over your shoulder saw that they had rejoined ranks. “Quick, get out that hole!” You urge your group, scrambling back the opposite way where the light was, bullets whizzed at you, ducking just in time, it clipped a woman next to you, fuck it was the woman who helped you before, Sara. Sara cried out grabbing her shoulder. Grabbing her waist, you tug her to follow along and aim the automatic rifle in your hand, just randomly shooting behind you as she climbed up to fall out of the hole with a yelp. No one followed you as you to scrambled out, maybe for once luck was on your side, there seemed to be alot less of them then there was of you survivors.

Crashing rather ungracefully over the edge of the train car, you land in the snow, and blinded you try looking around, drawing in for the first time in 18 years, fresh air. It burned your lungs,the intense cold and just that it was so god damn clean. Looking around your surrounded by cliffs, and as your eyes go into focus you can see where you all went over the edge, snow still rolling down, and scattered around you was a few more cars, above one hung precariously over the edge. Fuck, how did you all survive that? “Y/N, what do we do?” What do you do? What would Curtis do? You all had never discussed being on the outside. “We have to get away from here, they will be coming out any second after us.” Everyone shivered around you, wrapping arms around themselves. The entire group surrounding you wouldnt make it for long without shelter and heat.  

“Curtis” You voice was soft, he missed that.

“Hey baby” He looked over his shoulder and smiled.

“Curtis” You looked lost to him, confused.

“Im right here Babes” He held out an hand to reach for you.

“CURTIS” Why wouldnt you take his hand?

”Babygirl, whats wrong?” Striding over to reach for You, his brows coming together in confusion.

“CURTIS!” Fear and Panic etched all over you

He sat straight up with a gasp, Yona falling back from where she had been leaning over him, her face a look of fear and shock, tears tracking down her face. “What the fuck happened?!” Curtis cussed as he wildly looked around, Timmy was rocking on his heels next to Curtis, and he reached over to touch the boy, make sure he was real. “Yona... wheres Nam?” The girl shook her head, and straightened from where he knocked her over.

“Wilford and Dad are not here. That guy and girl are, over there.” She pointed among the mess. “But they wont wake up, I checked.” Curtis moved to get up, wincing. There was something broken, just ribs hopefully. He wouldnt be taking deep breaths anytime soon. And then his gaze went to his mangled hand, Okay this is more serious. Wincing as he pulled his sleeve over it to protect it, it had at least clotted enough to stop bleeding but had no idea what the real damage was yet on it. Timmy just stayed rocking nearby, Curtis debating what to do, the boy had obviously been traumatized by what had happened. But at this point, there was more pressing matters. “Yona, grab that butcher knife” Somehow they still had it.

Going to a panel, Curtis inspected it and with the knife, they managed to pry it off, and tossing the panel to the side. Ahhh, bingo, Curtis tested the wires and finding them not live wires, he started to pull and yank them out. “Cut these, a good three feet at least” He stretched it out, and Yona started slicing back and forth. Right now his first worry was Matt and Claude coming around before they could be tied up. He probably should just kill them after everything, but Curtis was just done with death. At least for now, and if You ever found out he had killed your brother, He simply couldnt. Claude, well we will see what ends up happening with that bitch. You snigger. Curtis had to hide a bit of a laugh, apparently his imagination made you a bit dark.

Yona, well he would be royally screwed without the girl, she was nimble and quick with her knots, the two of them dragging the still unconscious duo to a wall, tying them tight and far apart so they couldnt help one another, Curtis finally sighed in relief. At least for now he didnt have to worry about them at the moment. Yona again came to the rescue,having found coats in the other car, wrapping her and Timmy up.

“Theres a way out in the other car Curtis, a few are outside, just... standing around. I think they are high still.” Her own eyes bleary, it occurred to Curtis she to was coming down from the kronoles and alcohol she consumed on the trudge to the front. His voice soft “Are you okay yourself?” She twitched a bit and nodded. “Just after effects, nothing I havent felt before.” Curtis didnt like it, but he had to trust her, completely out of options. Yona took Timmys hand and together the three of them worked there way out of the Engine, and the next car, well it wasnt much better off then theres was, completely flipped over, several dead. Curtis was still questioning how they even made it out. What about the tail end? You? The anxiety of not knowing.... A deep breath was drawn in, and made him instantly regret that, fuck my ribs.

Popping his head out, rubbing at his face, he took it in. Oh God your voice echoes, and before him, stretched across the blinding whiteness of where you all ended up, was just destruction, chaos, and more death. Twisted metal cars, split open to spill out its contents to scatter across the snow, it seemed like the end wasnt to bad off the further he looked down the line, but shouldnt there be more?

Wheres the rest of the train Curtis?

Were going to go find out Y/N, Im not leaving you out there alone.

Nearby there was a small group of people, most of them were hiding in heavy fur coats, and watching them for a moment, Curtis pegged Yona to be right. These fuckers are high as a god damn kite. There were a few though, that looked more put together, and Curtis recognized one of them, his eyes narrowing. Right now he didnt have any of the typical gear on, but it was one of the men who would bring there protein bars. Wonder how many you I got to deal with? Curtis sighed, fuck he was so tired suddenly. “TImmy climb on my back” He ordered and squatted enough for the boy to wrap his arms around his neck. Going to the edge, he deemed it safe enough and jumped down, stifling a groan at the jolt in his ribs. His hand, god that was just a steady throb.

Yona inched to the edge, her feet coming over the edge, and she slid off as much as possible till she landed on Curtis shoulder, his arm wrapping around her thighs to keep her from tipping over and easing down for her to get off. As he straightened the men whom he dared guessed were some of the guards came over, they were scuffed, but not bad off as Curtis nearly was, and he braced himself for the typical aggression he knew from them, but they all held up there hands in a peace sign.

“Seriously man, were not going to do anything.” Curtis took a step back from them anyways, keeping the kids behind him. Yona peaked around him warily, studying them.

“Curtis right? weve heard of you. Listen, we have to look for survivors, this group over here is kind of useless right now, and these cars might have people trapped.” One started, another picked up.

“Front, Back.... it makes no difference now, Theres probably not enough left to make it count.”

“Right... suddenly im supposed to believe you all have a good conscious?” Curtis sure as hell wasnt going to trust them, 18 years of entrapment will do that to a man. Yona tugged on his jacket, and he spared her a look.

“Good, they will help us.” He nodded encouragment, and his gut twisted. The girl hadnt been wrong yet, but his mistrust and instinct was still was over riding that. He trusted another, and betrayed everything he believed in.

Curtis she hasnt been wrong yet, shes special.

Alright Alright, he thought, holding out his uninjured hand, he growled out. “truce for now... we wont give you any trouble. Were making our way towards the back to check on our people.” One of the guards winced.

“The back? We were coming over a bridge when the train derailled. Honestly the fact any of this is still here is shocking. Im sure the back end came off the rest of the train and went over the cliff side. A fall like that in a hunk of metal.” The man shrugged in a im sorry motion “The chances are not great anyone in those cars would survive such a fall. The tail end, its gone. Any survivors will be making there way up this way.” He looked over his shoulder and sure enough, people were slowly coming in groups. “Slim, the chances are slim, but... maybe...”

Slim, the chances were slim, but... maybe... it was all Curtis heard after he said those words. 

@what-is-your-plan-today​ @curtisbbq​ @jtargaryen18​ @p8tn0lish​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​