#wet cat Jon is best Jon

[y3llow-hoodie]

bit of a self indulgent ask, but i Adore your vast!jon au and i was wondering if by any chance he made friends with mike crew at some point 👀👀?

(I’ve always thought mikes character could’ve been explored more in canon, maybe if he survived daisy’s attack jon would’ve come back w more questions or smth, maybe this time he actually accepts his tea offer lmao)

Actually a few people asked me if vast!jon would be friends with Mike crew.

Imo, he would be an outside party that is not involved with Simon Fairchild’s affairs, but Jon heard of him and met him a couple of times.

When jon finally catches on that something isn’t right, he goes to his place and asks for answers (this would happen around end season 2 probs)

Here a lil comic about it >:)

Edit: I friggin forgot to add mike’s scars, now it’s all fixed 👌

Vast!Jon AU _ 1-2-3-4-X-6-7

[astheflowersgrow]

Let me show you how I achieve the ideal ArchivistTM look in just 10 months while running on black tea, caffeine, little to no sleep, statements and trauma

[bookhousestark]

ARYA STARK APPRECIATION WEEK 2024 ↳ Day 3: Overlooked traits

Natural leader

They rode north, away from the lake, following a rutted farm road across the torn fields and into the woods and streams. Arya took the lead, kicking her stolen horse to a brisk heedless trot until the trees closed in around her. Hot Pie and Gendry followed as best they could. Wolves howled off in the distance, and she could hear Hot Pie's heavy breathing. No one spoke. From time to time Arya glanced over her shoulder, to make sure the two boys had not fallen too far behind, and to see if they were being pursued.

A Storm of Swords, Arya I

Fond of nature

"When we were crossing the Neck, I counted thirty-six flowers I never saw before, and Mycah showed me a lizard-lion."

A Game of Thrones, Sansa I

Merciful

“[…] Do you want the water?" "Aye." The man swallowed. "And the mercy. Please."

When she came back, the archer turned his face up and she poured the water into his mouth. He gulped it down as fast as she could pour, and what he couldn't gulp ran down his cheeks into the brown blood that crusted his whiskers, until pale pink tears dangled from his beard.

A Storm of Swords, Arya XII

Feminist

"The Lannisters are proud," Jon observed. "You'd think the royal sigil would be sufficient, but no. He makes his mother's House equal in honor to the king's." "The woman is important too!" Arya protested.

A Game of Thrones, Arya I

Empathetic

She thought of Mycah again and her eyes filled with tears. Her fault, her fault, her fault. If she had never asked him to play at swords with her …

A Game of Thrones, Arya II

Left-handed

Arya took her right hand off the grip and wiped her sweaty palm on her pants. She held the sword in her left hand. He seemed to approve. "The left is good. All is reversed, it will make your enemies more awkward.”

A Game of Thrones, Arya II

Learned

It hurt that the one thing Arya could do better than her sister was ride a horse. Well, that and manage a household.

A Game of Thrones, Arya I

Observant

"Learn three new things before you come back to us," the kindly man had commanded Cat, when he sent her forth into the city. She always did. Sometimes it was no more than three new words of the Braavosi tongue. Sometimes she brought back sailor's tales, of strange and wondrous happenings from the wide wet world beyond the isles of Braavos, wars and rains of toads and dragons hatching. Sometimes she learned three new japes or three new riddles, or tricks of this trade or the other. And every so often, she would learn some secret.

A Feast For Crows, Cat of The Canals

[mochinek0]

Daminette December 2023:30-Save Some for Me

Many people of the Justice League were summoned for a mission. Some were hiding in the shadows, others were stuck as civilians. Everything was going fine in the mission until Damian Wayne was suddenly thrown into building. That was the day he learned his two sunshine would go to hell for him.

Damian lay aginst the building. His vision was foggy, at best.

'Concussion. Labored breathing; likely a broken rib or two.'

He hadn't noticed people had started running away and were screaming. He hadn't even noticed Jon and Marinette calling his name until they got to his side.

'Hearing impairment.'

"Don't touch him!" Jon shouted, "He has some broken bones and some bad bruising."

"Concussion. Hearing impairment. Labored breathing." Damian whispered out, "Tired."

" Stay awake. I'll get a medic as fast as I can." Jon remarked, "I'm staying with you. I'll protect you from any more damage."

'That's good. His body can shield me from anymore debris or if there's any bullets.'

Damian felt wet drops fall on him.

'Rain?'

It wasn't until he heard the sob that he realized it was Marinette.

"Angel. I will be fine." he spoke.

He saw her hand turn into a fist and drop her precious earrings into her purse. She shoved it into Jon's arm.

"Marinette?" Jon asked.

He saw Marinette place a small ring on her hand.

"Claws out." she snarled.

Before his eyes, his angel looked like a small version of Selina in her CatWoman outfit. Her hair had turned jet black and was tied in a long braid down to her ankles. Her suit was now black. She was wearing thigh high heels with a green sash wrapped around her waist. Her hands had turned claws. She no wore a black domino mask the looked like his own robin mask and upon her head, were a pair of cat ear, trimmed with green. Then, she was gone.

"You might want to make sure Angel doesn’t kill anyone." Damian spoke, before passing out with a smile.

Jon turned to see Marinette lunging at people and blood splattering everywhere. It reminded him of watching his best friend train with his swords.

'Oh, shit! There's two of them!'

Jon quickly rushed away and grabbed ahold of her, locking her arms. She still managed to move with him holding her.

'I was wrong. She's scarier!'

The Bats quickly rounded everyone up as the rest of the Justice League avoided Ladybug, now turned Cat. She was hissing and clawing, trying to get away from Superboy. He had scratches on him from holding her back and was bleeding. Superman quickly rushed over and knocked her out. Superboy huffed and handed her over to Batman.

"Your son's girlfriend is just as deadly as he is." he huffed.

Plagg released himself from the ring.

"Do you have any cheese?" he questioned.

"What?" replied Superman.

"Another alien?" asked Green Lantern.

"Rude." Plagg answered, "I am the God of Destruction."

"Yep. That fits the bill." Red Hood responded, "Demon Spawn dating a person of destruction."

"Oh, you have it all wrong." Plagg declared "She only used me because she was pissed and you should be grateful, she did."

"She killed ten people." Batman spoke.

The kwami shrugged, "Could have been worse."

"How?" asked Nightwing.

"She could have been weilding her usual, my other half: Tikki, the Goddess of Creation. She created the universe." Plagg explained, enthusiastically, "When she gets pissed, she creates weapons of mass destruction. Instead of ten people, it could have been half the planet."

All the heroes looked at Marinette unconscious in Batman's arms.

"Who's the bad one now?" Plagg smirked, "At least she didn't used Kalki. Could have just teleported them over a volcano or a pit of death."

"So, do you have cheese?" Plagg asked again.

Jon was quick to warn the medical team about Damian's injuries and the extent of them, as he was placed on a stretcher.

"Ah, Loverboy." Plagg declared.

The Kwami of Destruction tapped on the downed Robin and let the green aura wash over him.

"Is that-?" Tim shouted.

"My magic." Plagg stated, absorbing it, "Seems he has a lot of it in him. Not as goo as cheese, but it helps. I'll talk to the bug and she can give my ring to him, for awhile. I should be able to absorb the rest. Same with Helmet Head."

"Really?" questioned Red Hood."

Plagg nodded, "Yep."

"Are you perhaps talking about the Lazarus Pits magic?" Batman asked.

"I don’t know what you people call it now, but that is our magic." Plagg explained, "Someone wished for it so we made it. It's why she works so hard to makes sure it doesn’t happen."

Red Hood shook his head, "They're a perfect match."

"Huh?" asked Wonder Woman.

"Demon Spawn and his 'Angel'. We all know if Batsy, here, wasn't around, he'd be leaving Gotham painted red. Hid girlfriend is the same way, if he gets hurt. You can't honestly tell me if she got hurt, he'd go back to being an assassin." he explained.

The Justice League loked between the unconcious couple.

"I say it's Batman's problem, now." Green Lantern stated, "His kid and future daughter-in-law."

TAGLIST: @maribat-calendar-events@animeweebgirl@a-star-with-a-human-name@meme991001@vixen-uchiha@abrx2002@alysrose-starchild@fandom-trapped-03@dood-space@moonlightstar64@saltymiraculer@marveldcedits20@09shell-sea09@icerosecrystal@animegirlweeb@insane-fangirl-of-everything@blueblossombliss@nickristus-dreamer@megawhitleycalderonpaganus@missmadwoman@meira-3919@princessdaisysolosyourfaves@blep-23@fangirlingfanatic@darkhinauniverse@ravenr22@im-a-satanic-ritual@ravennm84@bianca-hooks123@a-slytherinish-gryffindor@starling218

[cyrus-solaris]

my new lifeline is fan content of Gerry and Jon being best friends bc i love my dead goth son and this wet cat of a man.

[hopes-peak-postal-company]

For Mod Hajime, i hope this doesnt sound weird but could you do a platonic fatherly yandere imagine post with Elias Bouchard? I like to imagine he fixates on a new Institute hire who doesnt know the fears are real and just decides "Its Child time. There is nothing I wont do to make my new child happy." But he also has to work around Jon and them getting in his way because they just dont GET that he's a Father now.

A FATHER'S LOVE!

"surely you'd choose your father over your friends, wouldn't you?"

summary. getting a job at a spooky academic institute offers toms of spooky outcomes. you just didn't expect to get a father figure and a overlyprotective friend group.

contents. platonic yandere! elias; elias is a wet cat grandpa; the archivist gang are slightly yandere; happens right after season 1

✦ It was difficult. Getting by in the big London city and rent to your flat was quite ridiculously high, even for usual london rent standard. But thankfully, a position in The Magnus Institute had opened and you managed to get the spot after wrangling out your best qualities to the HR like you're trading them.

✦ Now, you were aware of what you were getting into. I mean, an institute that's notorious for having many people going MIA or dying, but this was the only job that accepted you out of the millions you applied for and frankly, it pays better than most of them.

✦ So, you worked as the institute's librarian. It shocked you to know that they have their own personal library but at the same time, you kind of expected it. After all, it is an academic institute and there's bounds to be numerous books and soucres to cite for every statement given, regardless of how strange there are.

✦ You've met a couple on the job. Some were nice and often has small talks with you while some simply comes and goes, not even bothering to talk to you unless they're checking a book out. It was fine, of course, you can't help but feel disheartened. After all, all you do is stand by, organize the library and do nothing. It gets a bit lonely sometimes.

✦ And then, one day, a certain someone came to the library and it was no one other than big boss himself— Elias Bouchard. You never met the man before, only hearing him from Rosie and the others, but he is generally well-disliked by his own staff. You had nothing to complain about him and honestly, you find his company nice.

✦ He comes to the library whenever he has free time and then would talk to you. It wasn't just small talk, not just noise coming out of his mouth to fill in the silence, but he talked to you. He told you so many things— his opinions, his likes and dislikes —and even asked you about yours.

✦ Elias would listen intently, taking in every information about yourself in a manner so ... different from how he usually carried himself. Elias Bouchard was a prideful asshole and you knew that obviously well from just his body language, and yet when it comes to you, he is oddly soft. He reminds you almost like a dad for some reasons.

✦ And your relationship with your boss became like that. You didn't mind, you understand to some degree but even still you couldn't wrap your mind around why he chose specifically you. Maybe he didn't choose or maybe he did, but either way, this outcome was better than him hating you.

✦ But then, only a few months into your job, you suddenly got promoted to assistant archivist, joining the very few others in the archives in their day-to-day life.

✦ It was ... suffocating at first. The institute did suffer damage from the Prentiss Attack as you heard from the other employees and with the archives being the main target for the worms, it was not surprise that the Archivist and his team suffered greatly. Though injured, all of them still came back in one piece so that was a good thing.

✦ It took a while getting to know the others: Martin was the quickest to befriend and he'd bring you your favourite cup of tea whenever he can. Tim was the second, jokingly flirting with you at first but he was comfortable to be around and somehow both of your intensive knowledge on memes made the two of you friends. Sasha, on the other hand, took a bit more effort but in the end, she was just as fun and cheery as the other two outside work.

✦ Jon, on the other hand... He was wary, of course, a bit of an asshole too but you were determined to let his walls down, and so was the team. He gradually came to accept (aka get comfortable with) your existence and doesn't glare you like a cat you just rudely woke up.

✦ Elias... Elias isn't too pleased with this development though as you come find. He finds every excuse in the book to have you in office, stalling you just so he could spend more time with you. He had moved to the archives for one very specific reason and that was so he can watch you carefully.

✦ I mean, how couldn't he? You were so nice to him, oblivious to the concept of the entities and you didn't even care if he gets a bit 'spooky' (as Tim puts it) at times. In fact, he claimed you as his kid the moment you seem to play along with his 'little cryptid act'.

✦ But The Archival team... Oh, did they get on his nerves. But he couldn't do anything, no, he was sure you'll know and they'll tell you about what he truly is and he couldn't risk that. He couldn't lose you to them, so he'll have to just slightly abuse his power a bit. Just to have you be by his side a bit longer.

✦ Of course, Archivist and Co. can't stand by idly and watch him take their friend! And so, everytime Elias and one of them come to your desk at the same time, it's practically a tug of war for your affection and attention.

✦ It makes you laugh honestly, seeing them fight like this. Reminds you so much like a father trying to shoo away any his kid's admirers.... Only if you knew though, then you wouldn't be laughing.

notes. hi hii!!! tysm for requesting this!! i always wanted to write for tma but couldn't. ik this is a pretty old req (i think like .... from june i think?) and i wrote this months ago but forgot to finish

reqs are alwyas open!! and dont forget to reblog any of our works here on this blog, it help us a lot!!! ty again for requesting!

[meromidas]

Pov, local man loves his coworkers and has claimed them as His People

Jon doesn’t like people very much, never really had. Too loud, too crowded, too many fleeting touches when they passed. Never mind the fact he’s not good at interacting with others, never knows what to say, how to say it, doesn’t know how to read their expressions. It’s just too much, and he doesn’t really have time for it.

Jon has never really liked people very much, but he likes his people, and that’s enough for him. He would do just about anything for them, he decides.

(He knows, then, as Tim and Sasha and Martin take care of him like he doesn’t deserve, that they would do the same.)

random snippet i really like!! jon is a soggy wet cat, and he doesn’t really know how to deal with emotions, but he is trying his best :(

this is probably going to be the end (though extended) to a fic i’m working on, and i’m super excited to get it done! almost 3000 words in and there isnt even any dialogue yet,, tell me if any of you would be interested when it’s finished!! it is not a very happy fic in the beginning, but there is comfort! eventually…..!!

[dissolving-mansion]

Love polls? Try more here.

[esther-dot]

Cat was supposed to marry Brandon only for him to die brutally by the hands of king. Shortly after she married to Ned only for him to leave for war against the king. How much terrified she would have been especially when she became pregnant? One thing after is happening and it's like she didn't get the time to process.

Absolutely. Having an heir was important, the books press on that issue a lot, so on the one hand, it had to be a relief to potentially be having the Stark heir, but it was right in the middle of so much chaos and trauma. Cat's entire life is marked by being forced into difficult situations without ever having a choice in the matter. There's a lot of pain in this passage,

When the last of Edmure's foot had shuffled under the portcullis, Brienne asked, "What shall we do now, my lady?" "Our duty." Catelyn's face was drawn as she started across the yard. I have always done my duty, she thought. Perhaps that was why her lord father had always cherished her best of all his children. Her two older brothers had both died in infancy, so she had been son as well as daughter to Lord Hoster until Edmure was born. Then her mother had died and her father had told her that she must be the lady of Riverrun now, and she had done that too. And when Lord Hoster promised her to Brandon Stark, she had thanked him for making her such a splendid match. I gave Brandon my favor to wear, and never comforted Petyr once after he was wounded, nor bid him farewell when Father sent him off. And when Brandon was murdered and Father told me I must wed his brother, I did so gladly, though I never saw Ned's face until our wedding day. I gave my maidenhood to this solemn stranger and sent him off to his war and his king and the woman who bore him his bastard, because I always did my duty. (ACOK, Catelyn VI

And then after losing her fiance, marrying a stranger who might be on the losing side of the war --terrifying prospect--and who might die, she has his child, goes home to a place in a region that's unknown to her, only to find he's installed his bastard there before his true born son, the son she bore him,

He did more than that. The Starks were not like other men. Ned brought his bastard home with him, and called him "son" for all the north to see. When the wars were over at last, and Catelyn rode to Winterfell, Jon and his wet nurse had already taken up residence. (AGOT, Catelyn II)

Trauma, terror, trauma, terror. The things she could have thought that implied! I totally agree she didn't have the opportunity to process any of this. I don't think Ned processed his trauma either. I was really struck by Brandon's presence in their marriage all these years later. Even though they've come to love each other, Ned can't seem to move past his insecurity and guilt, he's living a life that was never meant to be his:

Brandon had been twenty when he died, strangled by order of the Mad King Aerys Targaryen only a few short days before he was to wed Catelyn Tully of Riverrun. His father had been forced to watch him die. He was the true heir, the eldest, born to rule. (AGOT, Eddard I)

She finished for him. "… crown prince, and heir to the Iron Throne. And I was only twelve when my father promised me to your brother Brandon." That brought a bitter twist to Ned's mouth. "Brandon. Yes. Brandon would know what to do. He always did. It was all meant for Brandon. You, Winterfell, everything. He was born to be a King's Hand and a father to queens. I never asked for this cup to pass to me." "Perhaps not," Catelyn said, "but Brandon is dead, and the cup has passed, and you must drink from it, like it or not." Ned turned away from her, back to the night. He stood staring out in the darkness, watching the moon and the stars perhaps, or perhaps the sentries on the wall. Catelyn softened then, to see his pain. Eddard Stark had married her in Brandon's place, as custom decreed, but the shadow of his dead brother still lay between them, as did the other, the shadow of the woman he would not name, the woman who had borne him his bastard son. (AGOT, Catelyn II)

Neither was able to fully process and move past the trauma their marriage was created by and in. That tragic context for their relationship makes what it became so much more beautiful though, and this passage, all the more touching:

And was it really such a terrible thing, to want a pretty wife? She remembered her own childish disappointment, the first time she had laid eyes on Eddard Stark. She had pictured him as a younger version of his brother Brandon, but that was wrong. Ned was shorter and plainer of face, and so somber. He spoke courteously enough, but beneath the words she sensed a coolness that was all at odds with Brandon, whose mirths had been as wild as his rages. Even when he took her maidenhood, their love had more of duty to it than of passion. We made Robb that night, though; we made a king together. And after the war, at Winterfell, I had love enough for any woman, once I found the good sweet heart beneath Ned's solemn face. (ASOS, Catelyn V)

Not merely a good heart, a sweet heart. Not merely a survivable marriage, but love.

[kibbletv]

[TMA] Jonathan Sims, The Archivist.

Old-ish art of my favorite sopping wet cat babygirl boyfailure Jon, AKA The Him.

@johngreenleafwhitter got me on this podcast a little while back and it is one of the best pieces of fiction I have ever experienced.

[magpod-confessions]

the whole "haha jon is a pathetic wet cat" joke is tired. it was funny the first few times but now i just roll my eyes whenever i see it. it's just unfunny and overused, that's it.

not to mention, a lot of people genuinely think that jon was stupid and incompetent, ignoring the fact that he was trying his best with the information he had?? he wasn't being stupid, he was grasping at straws.

.

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Grown into A Tall Child

by laika_the_space_dog Because Damian was 7 and his mother had bested him in battle again, and the grief that took over his throat was tangible as he had been belted for his punishment. It would be nothing in comparison to the punishment he had received the next morning for his wet bed sheets- Damian was ten and his father was dead, a legacy he had fought for for years- his last hope of finding a chance to live rather than survive rotting away- Damian is thirteen and Grayson is singing him happy birthday and he’s never felt so warm and calm and maybe this is the feeling he had been chasing- Or A littles are known DC au Words: 2722, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: DCU, DCU (Comics), DC Extended Universe, Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics), Batman and Robin (Comics) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con Categories: Gen Characters: Damian Wayne, Titus | Damian Wayne's Dog, Alfred the Cat (DCU), Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Talia al Ghul, Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth, Jon Lane Kent (DCU New 52), Clark Kent, Tim Drake (DCU) Relationships: Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Batfamily Members & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Damian Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth & Damian Wayne, Jon Lane Kent & Damian Wayne, Jon Lane Kent/Damian Wayne Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Damian Wayne-centric, Damian Wayne is Robin, Damian Wayne Needs a Hug, Damian Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Hurt Damian Wayne, Protective Damian Wayne, Crayonfic, Classification AU, Classification Universe, Age Regression/De-Aging, agere, Non-Sexual Age Play, hate that tag so bad, using it just for reach sakes, Age Regression AU, Protective Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson is Damian Wayne's Parent, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, he fails tho, child neglect king of the year, Bad Parent Bruce Wayne, morally dubious parent talia al ghul, she is a victim of her enviroment, that is not enough to save her or damians relationship, Bad Parent Talia al Ghul, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, csa metaphor in this is CRAZY heavy, its a lot more heavy handed then my other fic, aka the implications of Ra's Al Ghul "owning" Damians body, the untapped potential of Damian being raised in a cult, Caregiver Dick Grayson, Little Damian, uncle jason - Freeform, Classification System, Littles are Known AU, Autistic Damian Wayne via https://ift.tt/MP0weNU

[staysaneathome]

Since the wonderful @johndead answered some pressing concerns about Martin Care, decided to write a little something set in their universe!

Emil frowned at the creature sat on the countertop before him.

It was short and squat, about the size of a kitten. Its…hair? Fur? Was long and stringy, and matched the rest of its ragged appearance.

Its large eyes stared at him, unblinking and wet.

Emil blinks first, and frowned harder at the creature. His thumb hovered over the contacts in his phone.

Alexa was the most sensible one in the office, and the one most likely to know what this was and tell him with the least fuss, but she also had said when she left work that she and her boyfriend were taking a long weekend to Bath for a romantic getaway, and so any emergencies would have to wait til Monday.

Danny was probably next best, as his hyperfixations meant he could spout off detailed knowledge about any number of random subjects, but if this thing didn’t fall under that umbrella, then he and Emil would both be stumped. He was also still on that urban exploration kick, and might be bowels deep in a sewer somewhere with no phone reception.

Which left…

Emil sighs, then stiffens at the way the creature stared at him, leaning forward slightly.

He didn’t want to have to do this. But desperate times…

He hits the video call button, and waited a few tense minutes for it to ring.

“Hello? Emil, is that you?”

His heart most definitely did not skip a beat at the face filling his screen, peering at him in concern. “Lynn.”

“Hi Emil!” His boss (who he certainly did not have a crush on, shut up) chirped, a smile splitting their face. It wavers slightly. “Um. Not to be rude of anything, but you never call me outside work hours—is something wrong?”

“I got home and found something had got into my flat.” He stated. “I’ve no clue what the hell this thing is. Hold on, I’ll show you.”

He turned the phone around to face the creature. It reared back slightly, wet eyes darting between him and the screen, nose twitching.

Whatever Emil expected to happen, it was not for his boss to let out a small squeal of delight.

“Aw! Hey there buddy, hello! Oh, you’re so little, Emil he’s adorable!”

He raises an eyebrow at the creature, whose fur/hair/whatever was beginning to lift like a cat’s. “If this thing is adorable then I’m about to win Love Island. What is it.”

“Oh, oh right,” Lynn said, sounding flustered. “Well, that’s a Jon! I don’t know as much about them as I do about Martins, but they’re really fascinating creatures! A bit shy and prickly at first, but really quite sweet once you get to know them. I’ve only ever seen them in pet shops before or videos online, where did you find him?”

“I got home and found it drinking water from my sink.” Emil reports, keeping a firm eye on this “Jon” thing. “I must have not turned it off right when I left this morning—Oi. Stop that. Lynn, it’s doing something weird.”

A set of floating, glowing eyes are starting to manifest out of the air surrounding the Jon, staring hard at the phone as it bristles and lets out a low hissing noise.

“Is that the first threat display he’s made?” Lynn asks. “Didn’t he do this when you got in?”

“No,” Emil grits out, crossing the kitchen with a hand hovering over his phone protectively. Thankfully the eyes can’t follow more than a few inches, and the Jon’s hissing died down some, though it still glares imperiously at the phone. “Little bastard just walked over and stared at me the entire time.”

There’s an excited gasp from the other end of the line. “Oh wow, Emil, I think that means he likes you! Most of the videos I’ve watched say that Jons usually do a lot of threat displays to people or animals they’re not sure of. Maybe he thinks you’re a kindred spirit?”

Emil can’t help the scowl and slight flush that comes to his face. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He snaps. “It’s not like I’m keeping the damn thing.”

“O-oh.” Lynn’s face falls slightly, before they smile again. Emil steadfastly ignores the pang that sends through him. “That’s fair. Not everyone has time for a pet, I guess. Though I think most shelters might be closed tonight, and I’m not sure if they open on weekends?”

Emil closes his eyes and groans. Great. Just great. Now he has to deal with a little eyeball creep staring at him for potentially two days. How’s he going to make sure it doesn’t get sick or starve during that time? He’s not even sure he has food in for himself.

“I could send you some care instructions, if you like?” Lynn offers tentatively. “There are a few good websites online where I’ve got advice for caring for my Martin before, and I think their basic needs are similar—wide, shallow bowls for food and water, soft materials for nesting in, plenty of space and enrichment, that sort of thing. There might be some differences though, because I know my Martin loves poetry—”

As if on cue, the Jon hisses loudly at the word “poetry”, it’s fur standing on end and several glowing eyes (plus one tape recorder) popping into existence around it.

“Fucking—!” Emil rears back.

“Sorry! Sorry, I shouldn’t have said the p word!” Lynn apologizes. “Yeah, there are loads of videos online of people putting a book of K-E-A-T-S behind their Jon to make him jump or start mauling it. It’s really not nice for the little guys, but I suppose since it gets their owners views they think—”

“Lynn.” Emil interrupts, before his boss can go off on another tangent about ethical treatment of pets on social media. “Just, just send me the links. Please.”

“Alright!” Lynn chirps. “I’ve also got some old stuff I had that my Martin didn’t end up using, like a carrier and toys and stuff. Would you like me to give them a wash, bring them over to see if Jon likes them?”

“Sure.” Emil says, without thinking. “Why not. I’ll be in all weekend.”

“Great!” Lynn looks almost nervous, smiling at him. “I’ll send the links and see you tomorrow then?”

It finally clicks in Emil’s brain that he’s just invited his boss (his crush) over to his place to try and help him wrangle a weird eyeball creature.

Rather than say anything sensible to abort the situation, Emil instead chokes out. “Y-yeah. I’ll send you the address. See you.”

They beam at him, and then their picture vanishes with a small bloop.

Emil puts his phone down on the countertop.

Then he promptly sits on the floor, puts his head into his knees, and screams mentally.

What was he thinking?! Sure he can just about survive during the workday, when there’s a veil of professionalism between them, and Danny and Alexa besides, but coming around to his flat?! In casual clothes, with their glow-in-the-dark nail polish and their general personality in his space?! Alone?!

He’s done for. Doomed. He may as well quit now, he’s so sure he’s going to embarrass himself and make them hate him and screw everything up forever.

There’s a weird pitter-patter sound, interrupted by small vibrations.

When he looks up, he sees the Jon is staring meaningfully down at him.

He heaves a bigger sigh. “Can’t I have a crisis in peace?”

That only makes the Jon’s eyes grow bigger and wetter, almost hungry-looking. Apparently not.

He gets to his feet and unlocks his phone. Alongside all the links Lynn has texted, they’ve also sent a picture of a much rounder, more ascetically pleasing creature in glasses, blinking happily at the camera from a nest of shredded paper, wool and scraps of fabric, and teabags.

The caption under it says “Martin says to say hello! :D”

He holds the picture up to the Jon, ready to pull it away at the first sign of hissing or floating eyes. “See this? This is cute. What do you have to say for yourself, huh?”

The Jon leans towards the screen, nose twitching, eyes wet and huge and unblinking.

It reaches out a paw and rests it against the shoulder of the Martin-picture. Then it leans its head against it.

Emil ends up slowly letting go of his phone until it is lying flat on the table again for the Jon to curl up on it.

Its unblinking eyes slide closed. It begins to make a rusty sound, almost like a cat’s purr, if a bit more…mechanical maybe? A tape recorder running, perhaps.

Emil reaches out to try and pick the phone up.

The purring stops. One eye opens and stares at him.

“Or not.” He scrubs a hand through his hair. “Hell, you’re just as hopeless as me, aren’t you.”

The Jon’s eye closes and he begins purring again at a louder rate.

Emil huffs a breath of laughter. Still. If he’s not getting his phone back soon, he’d better try and get started on the things Lynn told him about so they don’t arrive tomorrow and find he’s somehow managed to kill the Jon.

Wide shallow bowls for water, for a start…

[i-will-change-this-someday]

Is Jon tall or short?

I think he’s short. (I’ll explain why under the cut)

This is to Jon; I think it’d be kinda weird to describe oneself like that if you’re shorter than the person you’re talking to. (I know this might just be about weight, but to me it seems more like it’s all dimensions, including height)

Granted this is from a weird eldritch being, that, I think, can be rather large. So perhaps not concrete evidence.

Again, this a threat, so might just be hyperbole.

Another threat(?), might just be belittling. Edit: Nikola also calls him “little Archivist” in episode 97.

Once again, another threat, so might still be an exaggeration.

You guessed it, another threat, but I feel it at least safe to say Jon’s smaller than the cop.

While it’s not, perhaps, the best evidence; I at least think it’s enough to say Jon’s not particularly tall, perhaps average height at best?

There’s also the fact Jon could barely carry a pipe around, (a pipe Elias could, apparently, bludgeon a man’s head in with). Jon also looks pathetic enough that Basira can’t even fathom him being able to murder someone.

(To be clear, I’m not saying Jon isn’t tall, just giving my reasons for why I think he’s short. Headcanon him whatever height you’d like)

His only concrete description is that he looks like he hasn’t slept in a week.

Just for kicks, here’s my personal headcanons on the archives staff’s (and Elias[and Georgie]) height and/or build.

Jon: Tiny. To me, he is the smallest wet cat of a man, 5’4” (162.5 cm) at most. No meat on his bones, just a little guy.

Martin: Like he says, not the smallest guy, I imagine he’s a heavy guy, very huggable. I know there’s the common headcanon that he’s exactly 6’(183 cm), but to me, he’s got 6’2” (189 cm) energy. (Am I the only one that took “not the smallest” to mean absolutely jacked at first, just a total beefcake)

Tim: Average. Average height, average build. Probably 5’9” (175 cm) decently muscular, (from those kayaking trips)

Sasha: canonically tall. Sasha’s tall, I’d say 6’1 (185 cm) I kinda imagine her to be curvy(?, I don’t know if that’s the right way to put it) you know those people who have, like some good arm fat? (I’m sorry, that’s probably the worst way to describe it, but I don’t know how else to explain it) Really soft, kind looking type of person.

Elias: Elias is an odd one, ‘cause depending on the day I might think he’s kinda big, like 5’11” (180 cm) and somewhat muscular (less so than Tim), ‘cause he did bash a man’s head in. But on other days, I might go with the common twink version of Elias, I’m thinking 5’6” (167 cm), so still taller than Jon, but shorter than most guys. (He was also described as a “weird little freak” by Daisy, but that was, once again, a threat, so might just be intimidation)

Melanie: Canonically skinny. Honestly, a lot like Jon, I imagine her to not have much meat on her bones,(although, probably more muscle on her than Jon) she’s all sharp angles. While I do like the idea she’s the exact same height as Jon, I think she’s either one inch taller or shorter, either way she’s intolerable about it.

Georgie: I don’t really have any specific height for Georgie, but I’d probably say somewhere around 5’5” - 5’7” (165 - 170 cm). Like Martin, she gives off very huggable vibes, kinda like that one person you know that’s really nice and soft looking, but can also just verbally destroy someone.

Basira: Average height, on the heavier(?, not sure that’s the right word for it) side. It’s implied that she and Martin are not as skinny as Melanie, so I think Basira’s pretty muscular, but it’s like in a weight lifter kind of way. I feel like she’s probably 5’8” (173 cm).

Daisy: strong. If anyone is absolutely ripped in The Magnus Archives, (other than Jared Hopworth) it’s Daisy. However, I don’t think she’s that tall, probably same height as Tim at 5’9” (175 cm).

[ilexdiapason]

"what is the pearl the bard au, ilex?" im SO glad you asked: a primer

first of all, hello jon, apologies for the deception, but i thought it was necessary to get the traffic people in through their scrunkle, so i didn't call the au by its proper name. this is eswap, the empires swap au, featuring pearlthebard. but i'm gonna tell it from her pov so it's all good

the following is a brief summary of what i refer to as "season one" of pearlthebard, and can be read in its entirety by going to @pearlthebard and reading through the linked directory, but if you don't have time for three months of tumblr rp then here's the gist of it!

Once upon a time, cruel gods named Watchers brought in just over a dozen people to play participants in a sick little game of death and betrayal. Pearl was not there. She was there when they did it for a second time, but she didn't win, so she can't remember it. The third time she prefers to forget, for the most part: it's a big awful blur of self harm and mania and dying and killing and losing everything she ever loved without ever really knowing why.

At the end of Double Life, she stands on a hill and watches the man who would not be her soulmate light himself ablaze, and when he blows up it takes her with him.

At this point, we step out of the narrative briefly, because Pearl the Bard doesn't actually begin with Pearl, not really - it begins with my friend Al going "hey i should make an au where the empires smp season 2 characters are role swapped", and hitting number thirteen Oli TheOrionSound, and going "ah shit well i guess i'll swap him with santa perla that works". Thus, Saint Oli, and Pearl the Bard. However, notably, Pearl cannot map neatly on to Oli's backstory of being isekai'd in from the end of Afterlife SMP, because she wasn't there.

At the end of Double Life, Pearl is blown up, but she does win. And a winner, by the usual metrics, earns a prize.

Saint Oli catches her when the blast flings her soul from her lifeless body, looks this incredibly wet cat up and down, and decides to give her a second chance.

She lands in the Empires SMP.

If you've seen Oli's episodes, which you probably should there were only four of them for the entirety of ESMP S2, you'll know roughly how the story goes from here, but the faces are a little different. She steals a goat horn from Princess Katherine of Dawn, she is jailed by Deputy Sausage of the Goblands, and while she awaits her judgement by the Sheriff Smallishbeans, she hears an awfully familiar voice from the floor of the cave asking what she did to get put in there.

Mayor Smajor of Animalia is a normal man. He runs his empire with a fairly loose grip, but he's proactive about developing a safe space for all animal folk to live among the pretty amethysts and not have to conform to the standards of human society. He, though, he's not an animal, no way, behind this dark mask he's completely human and not a cat. He has a life here, has lived in the Empires for years and founded a community with his own paws hands that he's very proud of.

The weird girl in the cage, the woman who brought two HUGE dogs to his lands and then somehow decided it was his fault for hissing at them that they didn't get on, and the new bard his neighbour Sausage has been gossiping to him about all seem to be disconnected, until they very suddenly aren't.

Pearl is a mystery to Scott. Despite him never having seen her before in his life, she seems convinced that he's either a regret or a danger, and she even goes so far as to stab him to death rather than tell him what the hell is her problem with him. He gets a little bit obsessed, if he's honest - finds her house to show up at it, insists that Sausage keep him updated on her, even starts to lose sleep. And when he does sleep he has strange dreams, dreams of being far taller, being tailless, being ten times better with a weapon than the Mayor of Animalia would ever need to be.

Pearl, steadfast in the conviction that the best thing she can do is get far the hell away from this weird, tiny Not-Smajor and never speak to or of him again if possible, runs to the distant shores of Sanctuary. And then squats in the Eversea. And then borrows Joey's spare room in the Evermoore. And every time, some coincidence sends Scott dangerously close to her escape path, forces them to make small talk, gives them both another nightmare of another time that Scott can't remember and Pearl wishes she could forget.

And then eventually they do catch up with one another in the streets of Chromia, and Scott refuses to back down until Pearl admits to him the truth of whether she really belongs in this world and what her connection is to his dreams and why he feels so weirdly, encompassingly guilty when he looks at her, and... well, i won't spoil that, that was a good one, i liked that one, you should go read it.

But yeah! Pearl the Bard! It's good! Soulmate drama forever :D

[jonathan-samuel-smith]

You talk about Dami like Yuri and this makes me think in Jon like those novels where the protagonist falls in love with the villain and finds out the villain is not a bloodthirsty demon with cold heart, just someone who needs to work with communication skill and no comun sense who also come from a fucked up family (I think I already read a Yuri novel with this plot)

Jon is just "I know I'm not the target audience for these types of stories, but these are so fun"

and Kathy: you want to feel validated in knowing that you're not the only one who can love a known demon who isn't that demonic, just very misunderstood and comes from a terrible family

Jon: ...

Kathy: you want validation to love Damian

Jon: ahahhaa i'm not in love with... omg I IN LOVE WITH DAMI!

"Kathy, what do I do?!" Jon yells, shooting upwards into the air. His hands find his way into his hair and his fingers get tangled in the curls. "What if he knows! His family is full of super smart detectives and I read that they can tell if you like someone!!"

Kathy gives him a dry look. "Jon. This is Damian we're talking about. He doesn't know a thing when it comes to emotional intelligence. He doesn't know."

"Oh, good, I was really worried there for a second." Jon says, touching down.

"Everyone else does, though. Well, except Bruce and your father."

Jon groans. "Aw, why me? There are so many other normal kids in the world and I'm--"

"Shut. Up. You weren't normal anyways. We're both aliens. And being gay isn't weird, it's natural, over 3,000 species on this planet practice homosexuality. Your aunt Kara once told me that bisexuality was the norm on krypton."

"Really?"

"No, I made that krypton bit up. But it could be true! You should ask her."

"Well I guess you're right either way. I'm never going to be normal. Might as well commit to it."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm gonna ask him out."

"No."

"What do you mean? You don't think he likes me?"

"That dunderhead is head over heels for you. But he can't see that because he's obsessed with bloodlines and shit. He won't see you as an option unless you show him you can offer babies, or convince him that he should adopt."

"But... I can't make babies with him... I don't have a uterus." Jon looks at her with big sad, wet cat eyes. "What do I do Kathy?" He pouts.

She breaks into a laugh "You're adorable! Okay I'll help. Let me call up my friend Maya."

"I know Maya you don't have to specify that she's your friend."

"But she's my best friend! Other than you... I guess... eheh... anyway, it makes me super happy to know we're friends so I wanna say it!" Kathy says while pulling up her contacts on her phone. She presses call. It rings a few times and is answered.

"Kathy? Are you okay? Usually you text me before you call!" Maya says through the phone.

"Sorry. I'm hanging out with Jon right now. Jon just realized he has a big crush on Damian." Kathy replies.

"Seriously?! Sweet! Hi Jon, how's the gay panic?"

"It's not so bad once you get used to it..." Jon replies.

"So, the reason I called;" Kathy breaks in. "Jon wants to date Damian but Damian wants biological children so we need to convince him that he can still have that and date Jon."

"Oh. I'm way ahead of you. I've got a plan all layed out."

"are we going to take a tour of an IVF facility?" Kathy asks.

"That's boring. No. We're taking him to the fortress of solitude." Maya responds.

"What's there?" Jon asks.

"Last time I visited your fortress I looked into any information on cloning, since y'know, Damian's a clone, I want to know if he's gonna glitch out or something. Your dad has a cloning machine. It's a kryptonian thing, Kelex built it in his free time. It can be used to combine the genes of different alien species to make babies. Apparently, Kryptonians used to meet a lot of other aliens, and they wanted a way to have children that wouldn't be sick and die young.

"Your dad didn't need it because humans are surprisingly compatible with a lot of alien species naturally. But here's the kicker! It can combine two male donors into a baby as well! I guess that's why they kept it after they went isolationist."

"See Jon! Being gay was normal on krypton!" Kathy says.

Jon smiles. "Wow. I have got to read more. That's amazing."

"So? Great plan, right? We sneak in, or your dad lets us in or whatever, and we show him the machine! Then all you have to do is be yourself and he'll have a gay awakening! Kathy, bring tissues. If he doesn't cry I will."

Later, Jon is at the dinner table with his parents. "Dad, can me and my friends use the fortress for a science project?"

"it's not like that time with dinosaur island, is it?"

"nope, I'm following the scientific method and everything."

"It's your superhero friends, right?"

"Yeah dad, c'mon I'm not gonna reveal our identities just to get a good grade."

"Just making sure. It's fine with me."

"Yes!" Jon hisses in excitement.

Damian arrives at the fortress of solitude from the batplane. He's bundled up in orange insulation. He looks adorable.

Damian notices that they're all looking at him weirdly but ignores it because he can't figure out why. "Nobody. You said you had something important to show me?"

Jon waves awkwardly.

"J." He acknowledges. "Beacon." He returns his attention to Maya, though he's bodily aware of where Jon is in the room, he always is when they're together.

"So after the fortress of attitude was built," Maya starts.

"stupid name..." Damian mutters.

"Kelex built this handy dandy birthing matrix." She speaks up, leading them to the machine. It's tall and complex, with two pods for a person to stand in, needles on robot arms to take the DNA sample, all connected to the central casing and an advanced terminal for calculating and adjusting genome sequences.

Damian steps closer to the machine, resting his hand against the artificial womb of the machine. "How does it work?" He says in awe.

"Looks... painful." Jon winces. Kathy elbows him. "But I guess birthing humans involves some pain anyway!" He hastily amends.

"Damian, the really interesting thing is, this isn't made just for kryptonians, or just for male and female pairs. It can create compatible gametes from DNA regardless of species or sex." Damian breaks his gaze away from the machine to look at her in surprise.

"...Huh. That's... Good. I need to sit down."

Damian sits on the floor in a meditation pose but doesn't start meditating. "I just realized I was banking all my hopes and dreams on having a kid. But I'm just a kid myself. I don't know what I would want in the future! I sure as hell don't want a kid now! But I was so sure that I needed to continue the bloodline I didn't even consider being with a man as an option!" Maya sits down on the floor with him.

"I heard about it, of course, but I didn't really think about it much. It's a cheap playground insult. Until it's not... until it's who you are." Damian continues. Jon sits next to Damian, and Kathy sits next to Maya, passing her tissues.

"I'm so proud of you, brother. It's hard to realize you're not what people expected you to be. You push it down until you just can't anymore." She takes his hand and holds it. "You're gonna be just fine. I love you."

Damian squeezes her hand and tries to ignore the salty tears dripping from his mask. "Maya... you're always there for me. Even when you do sneaky shit like this you do it to help me. I'm just embarrassed you had to help me at all, I thought I was past all that!"

"it's fine. Healing takes time. It'll come for us."

Jon grabs Damian's other hand and holds it. "Lean on me. I'll help you carry on." Jon sings briefly, encouraging Damian to lean against him, which he does. They sit in silence until they're emotionally ready to get up. Jon can tell him another day, right now Damian needs his best friend.

--- epilogue

Damian opens his locker and a stuffed envelop falls out. Curiously and cautiously he opens it, used to threats from Ra's. It's a typed note asking him to meet the sender in the courtyard after school. Damian stuffs the note back into his locker and continues on with his day, but when the day ends he decides to follow the note's direction.

When he gets there, Jon is waiting for him, his shoes freshly shined, holding a bouquet of a flower he mentioned he liked one time. "Jon? Did you write that letter?"

Jon smiles. "Yeah! I wanted to do something nice for you when I ask you out. I want it to be a nice moment."

Damian blushes. "Oh. Yeah?"

Jon smiles and steps closer. "Yeah. Damian, I like you, a lot. I thought maybe we could try dating? If you want."

"You like me?"

"Yeah. Have for a while."

"I didn't expect that." Jon's heart sank. "I've thought of this moment so many times and I never imagined that I'd feel so surprised." Jon regained hope.

"How did it go in your imagination?"

"Well, I intended to be the one sweeping you off your feet. You'd smile so bright and wrap me up in a hug, and I'd hug you back. Or you'd smile awkwardly and let me down gently. Even in my nightmares I can't imagine you saying all the things I'm afraid you'd say."

"I wouldn't hurt you. We vowed to protect eachother, remember? Sure you're cantankerous and crabby--"

"Hey!"

"but you're so much cooler than that alone implies. You're a good person, and I know that in my heart."

"If we're gonna date--"

"so it's 'if' now?"

"You have to be patient with me. I hate PDA and I'm not very accustomed to physical affection. I'm not going to suddenly climb in your lap or make out in the student lounge."

"I wouldn't expect you to, Dami. I just like you. I like being around you. Cuddling is great, too... but your comfort is more important. We'll take it slow."

"What if I never get used to it?"

"I'm not going to do something if you hate it that much."

"People have needs in relationships that I am not adequately prepared to provide."

"I don't care. I'm not going to leave you because you don't hold my hand. You show you care."

"I accept your proposal."

"I didn't say we should get married!"

"Nevermind. I can't date someone so stupid." Damian teased. "I meant your proposal that we should try dating."

"Yes!" Jon stomped his feet in excitement. "Can you take these flowers? My hand is getting sweaty from where I'm holding the plastic."

Damian took the bouquet. "I'm suprised you remembered these."

"I try to remember everything about you."

"My act of love is graciously forgetting your mistakes and spending time with you regardless."

Jon smiled. "Different strokes for different folks."

"Tt."

~end~