#were literally putting them in therapy so we can study them like a bug in a lab

[ghostinthetumbchine]

will never be over ppl so afraid/against villain redemption arcs/stories/fics/ideas.. guys, its just a fancy cover and/or excuse for psych analysis and exploration of a well constructed villain, you should treat it as a compliment

[slut4thebroken]

Exposure Therapy pt. 1

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Jonathan Crane x reader

Summary | Your therapist tries a new method of treatment to help you with your fears.

Warnings | 18+, sexual content, smut, rape, non con, dub con, oral, p in v sex, fingering, fear play, crying, rape (again. I’m really emphasizing this lol), forced breeding, unprotected sex, threats of involuntary admission to asylum

Words | 3k

Notes | This is rape. Just straight up. Sure she’s attracted to him and trying not to think of it like that but it’s literally just rape. Final warning.

Ao3 link | <3

Fic Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Prologue

You had been meeting with Dr. Crane for a few weeks now. You were mostly just talking, sometimes he’d have you try something to start to get you more comfortable living normally. But the progress was slow overall. 

“There is another form of treatment we could try.” He suggested, setting his pen down on the notebook and giving you his full attention. 

“If you think it’ll help.” You shrugged. 

“Do you know what exposure therapy is?” 

“Um… yeah. But isn’t that for phobias of bugs or heights?” 

“Usually, yes. But those aren’t the only types of fear this technique can help with.” 

“Oh… I’m not sure I understand, Dr. Crane.” 

“Do you trust me?” 

“Of course.” You nodded. 

“In our first session you told me it feels like you’re living everyday waiting to become part of the statistic.”

“Yeah?”

“If you’re already part of the statistic, do you think you’ll still feel that way?”

“Um… I guess not? I don’t understand what you’re getting at.” He set his notebook and pen down on the coffee table, then stood up, making his way to the empty side of the couch as you stared at him in confusion. 

“You’re lucky you came to me, you know. Most doctors don’t care enough to try everything possible to help their patients.” You gave a small smile in response, not able to talk before he continued. “In order for this to work you need to trust me completely, can you do that?”

“Yes, but I’m still not sure what it is you’re doing.” He stared at you for a moment before letting out a quiet sigh and taking off his glasses. He set them on the table, then met your gaze again. 

“Studies show that patients who relive traumatic experiences in controlled environments can actually better overcome that trauma. Now in your case it’s slightly different because your fears were not born out of trauma, but I still think it can help.” He paused as he debated what to say next. 

“With the kinks you’ve indulged in already, the environment might have been a little too controlled.” You furrowed your brows, trying to understand. “Putting you in a situation that is controlled, just not by you, should be effective.” He said, placing a hand on your thigh. 

“Dr. Crane, what-“ He shushed you, slowly rubbing his hand up and down your thigh, each time getting closer to your skirt. 

“You know, I thought about doing this at your house- maybe wear a mask so you didn’t know it was me. But that wouldn’t be controlled enough. So I knew it had to be here.” He said quietly, an unnerving smile on his lips. “With someone you trust.” When he slowly started leaning forward, you moved back until you were laying on the couch with him hovering above you. 

“There’s nothing to be frightened of- I’m no heathen. This isn’t about committing a violent act against a defenseless woman, it’s about helping you work through your fears. I have every intention of making sure you can take me comfortably.” He maneuvered himself between your legs, your skirt rising as they parted. Your eyes widened at his words, finally understanding. 

“I don’t- I don’t think I want to try this treatment.” You whimpered, shrinking back into the couch. 

“You don’t know what you want. That’s why you’re here. If you knew how to help yourself, you wouldn’t have come to me.” He pawed at your clothes, pushing your cropped sweater up, then pulling your bra down beneath your breasts. 

“If you behave, I can make this more comfortable for you. But if not, I’ll have to just get right to it, do you understand?” Your bottom lip quivered as you stared at him with wide, frightened, unable to move or speak. “Answer me.” He growled, making you flinch at the harsh tone. 

“Y-yes.” 

“Good.” He said simply, leaning down to take your nipple in his mouth. You laid there frozen, trembling beneath him, but despite your fear, you couldn’t deny the fact that what he was doing felt good. Maybe if this was someone else, someone you weren’t attracted to, then it’d be easier for your body to understand that this scenario was supposed to be bad. When his teeth lightly nipped at the sensitive bud, your breath hitched, making him pull back with a smirk. 

“That’s it, see? Just let it happen and it’ll feel good.” He moved on to your other nipple, working it over in his mouth until he was satisfied. He pulled back with a wet pop and looked up at you through his lashes. 

He moved down your body, but because of the small couch, decided to kneel on the floor. When he pulled you forward so your hips were on the edge, the movement caused your skirt to get stuck between the cushion and your ass, raising it even more, making your cheeks heat up. Your blush intensified as he pushed the fabric up until it rested around your waist. 

“Shorts.” He said quietly to himself, placing his hands on your hips and tracing his thumbs over the fabric. “Do you wear this because you think this will help?” He asked, looking back at your face. You nodded silently, making his lips turn up in a small smirk. “Because of your obsession with statistics, you should know that clothing choices do not deter rapists.” He said, raising his brows questioningly. 

“I know… it just makes me feel better.” 

“So desperate for some semblance of control over your fears.” He chuckled quietly, making you frown in response. When he started pulling your shorts down, you grabbed his wrists. The look he gave you made you tremble even more, but you quickly relaxed your grip, letting him continue. 

“Do something like that again and I'll skip this part, do you understand?” 

“Please,” You whispered, holding back tears as he removed your shorts. “Please don’t do this.” You said through a sob when he reached for your underwear. He ignored you, pulling the fabric off your body and discarding it to the growing pile on the floor. You jolted when he suddenly swiped two fingers through your folds. 

“See, you beg me not to, but you’re soaked. Is that why you’re so afraid? Because you know you’ll like it?” You clenched your eyes with a quiet sob and shook your head. When wet heat engulfed your clit, you choked on a gasp. He started out slow, licking and sucking delicately. You tried to control your hips and not let them buck toward the pleasure, but trying to do that as well as control your sounds proved to be a difficult feat. 

It felt good. Honestly you’re not sure you’ve ever been eaten out this good in your life. He was almost as passionate about it as he was with his work. When he plunged two fingers into your drooling hole, you couldn’t help the low whine you let out. He looked up at you through his lashes, smirking against your sex. 

Maybe if you just think of this as you finally getting to fuck the man who’s been plaguing your every thought for the past few weeks, then it won’t be as bad. After all, he did say he had no intention of making this painful for you. So it wouldn’t be too hard to think of this in a different light. 

“You don’t seem scared anymore. Have you finally accepted it or is there another reason?” He asked, still curling his fingers against your walls. 

“Maybe you’re dissociating to cope. Unfortunately if that’s the case… I am going to have to get you out of that state so you can experience the full extent of this treatment.” You stared at him almost blankly, trying desperately to not focus on his words. 

“If this behavior persists in future sessions though, I might have to put you on antipsychotics.” That got your attention. 

“Future sessions?” You all but scoffed, quickly closing your mouth after speaking to keep the sounds in. 

“Yes, I’ll need to monitor you closely after this treatment. I think three meetings a week should be sufficient.” You swallowed down a whimper when his thumb started circling your clit, then forced yourself to respond. 

“You seriously think I’m coming back here?” He swiftly removed his fingers, making you release a choked sound. 

“If that’s the case, I’m afraid I’ll have to admit you.” He said, casually wiping your arousal off his fingers on your skirt. 

“Admit me?” 

“To Arkham Asylum.” He said simply. 

“What the fuck is that?” 

“Honestly, did you do any research before moving here?” 

“N-no. I couldn’t afford to live anywhere else…” You muttered. He hummed in acknowledgement and stood up. 

“Arkham Asylum is a psychiatric hospital in Gotham City, primarily housing the criminally insane. I am the acting chief psychiatrist there.” He shrugged off his jacket, placing it over the coffee table. 

“I’m not criminally insane.” You said skeptically, rising to a sitting position just in case you’ll have an opportunity to run. 

“No? That’s not what my diagnosis tells me.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” You spat, feeling your heart pound harder in your chest. 

“Maybe you weren’t criminally insane when we first started our sessions. But yesterday you went through something traumatic that triggered a psychotic break, causing you to try to harm me during our meeting today.” You stared at him in shock, too caught off guard to say anything. “Which is why I’ve deemed you a threat to yourself and others and recommend immediate hospitalization for psychiatric evaluation.” 

“You’re fucking insane.” You whispered, not sure what else to say. 

“I’m simply a doctor who’s dedicated to studying the effects of fear on the human mind. And I have to say, I am very excited to study yours.” 

“So- what, you’re just going to have me committed? As soon as I have the evaluation I’m going to tell them everything.” He let out a dark chuckle and gave you a knowing look. 

“Truly brilliant plan. I’m looking forward to seeing how it works out when I evaluate you.” Any and all confidence or leverage you might’ve had was gone in an instant. 

“Then… I- I’ll say I want someone else.” You said quietly. 

“Were you not listening when I said I’m the chief psychiatrist there? I'm the one who decides who evaluates you.” 

“But- that’s a conflict of interest.” He smirked as you floundered for a suitable threat. 

“That’s the beauty of Gotham. Everyone and everything here is corrupt. No one cares if there’s a conflict of interest.” You let out a shaky breath, feeling trapped and out of options. “But don’t worry, I won’t start my research until you’re officially a patient. Today is just about your treatment.” 

He was on you before you could even blink, pinning you down by your neck with one hand, the other opening his pants just enough to take his cock out. As you clawed at his arm and his face, you realized the consequences of anxiously picking at your nails- they did nothing to harm him. 

“No-“ You cried, trying to push him away when the blunt head of his cock bushed your slit. “Stop- Help!” You yelled, making him tighten his grip on your neck and push down on your windpipe. 

“No one can hear you so shut up.” He hissed, pushing his hips forward. Your body tensed at the pressure against your hole. When his length finally pushed in, you tried to let out a pained scream, but the only noise you could make was a pathetic squeak. He let out a low groan, closing his eyes with furrowed brows and opening his mouth in a silent moan. 

“Fuck, that’s good.” He said through a moan. He continued pushing in until his hips were flush with your body. The pressure on your cervix was almost unbearable and you silently begged him to not stay here long. “You’re so wet. Why is that?” His voice was strained as he tried to control his arousal. His grip loosened on your neck and you took in a huge breath, then started coughing. 

“Fuck you.” You rasped, throat a little sore.

“I always love the mouthy ones. Makes it all the more satisfying when they break.” He sneered. You sighed in relief as the pressure on your cervix decreased while he slowly pulled out. But as he slammed back in, you weren’t sure what hurt more: the pressure on your cervix or the burning stretch of your walls. His pace picked up quickly until he was pounding your abused hole relentlessly, even with your cries and pleads for him to stop. He shushed you, gently brushing your hair behind your ear, making you flinch away from his touch. 

“Calm down. It’ll feel good once you relax.” He said, almost annoyed. You cried silently, arms laying limp by your sides after trying unsuccessfully to push him away for several minutes. You just wanted to get it over with. 

“Fuck- this pussy feels good. When you’re locked away, I’m going to make sure we have daily sessions to continue your treatment.” You let out a choked sob and shook your head. 

“No,” You cried, tears streaming down your cheeks, making him buck his hips even faster. “No- please.” You whimpered. 

“Yeah. It’s not effective as a one time thing. This kind of treatment needs to be done regularly, in fact, we might have to have more than one session a day.” You sobbed silently, trying to just dissociate again or something- anything. But the brutal pounding of his cock made it hard to focus on anything else. 

“I forgot to tell you- this treatment isn’t only for your fear of being raped.” You stared at him blankly as you processed his words, eyes widening once you understood.

“No-“ You said, much more assertive this time. But he was not deterred. 

“Yes.” He growled, rutting into you animalistically as he chased his pleasure. “I’m gonna come in this tight little cunt and you’re going to take every drop.” 

“No!” Your arms were active again, desperately working to push him away. 

“If you behave and be a good little inmate, then maybe I’ll let you keep taking birth control.” 

“Please,” You choked out, “Please don’t do this, Dr. Crane.” You cried, feeling the knot of arousal in your stomach, despite your words. 

“As hot as the begging is, if you keep running that little fuck hole, I will take away your contraceptive privileges.” You had no reason to not believe him, so you obeyed, only letting out violent sobs. “That’s better. Good girl.” He groaned, putting a hand back on your neck. His hips snapped into you ruthlessly, your hole aching out of discomfort and desperation and your breasts moving embarrassingly with each thrust, adding to your shame. When he reached a hand down to your clit, you muttered out a quiet, “No,” and shook your head. 

“I know you’re about to come. Just give in.” His fingers rubbed fast circles over it, making your hips twitch from the friction. And he was right. You were about to come, especially now that he was stimulating your clit. You tried to hold it, to not let yourself give him an obvious display of your unwanted pleasure, but it was useless. You came with a cry, this one more like a moan than a sob. His hips stuttered as your walls convulsed around him, but he never stopped thrusting. 

After you finished, he removed his fingers and focused on his own orgasm, not needing much more before burying himself inside you, uncomfortably deep. Your sobbing intensified as you felt hot come coating your walls.  

“Fuck- that’s it. Take it- take my come. Right in your fucking womb.” He growled, reaching a hand down to press on your lower stomach. “Can you feel how deep I am? Can you feel me right up against your cervix? You’re gonna have no choice but to get pregnant. Maybe not today… But I am going to knock you up eventually.” You let out a broken cry, laying completely still beneath him. 

After coming down from his orgasm, he slowly dragged his cock out of you, then forced your legs open to watch his come leak out of your abused hole. He pushed it back in with a small smirk. 

“We don’t want to waste any.” He explained. When he was satisfied, he rose from the couch, tucking himself back in his pants, then walked over to his desk. You watched through hazy eyes, blurry with unshed tears, as he searched for something. 

I should try to run now, you thought. He’s distracted, I can probably do it. But your body could barely obey. With much effort, you rose to a seated position, trying to ready your wobbly legs to hold you up. Before you could though, he was already walking back to you, one hand pushing you back on the couch, the other behind his back. He clumsily righted your clothes as you laid there, defeated. When he brought his other hand up from behind his back, you stiffened at the sight of a syringe. 

“What is that?” You muttered, trying to push yourself away from him, further into the couch. 

“A sedative. Someone is going to pick you up and take you to a holding room. I should be there to evaluate you by the time you wake up.” You shook your head as your heart started pounding in your chest again. 

“No- no, please. Please, I don't want to go.” You whimpered, flinching back when he grabbed your cheeks and turned your head to the side. Before you could react, the needle was already puncturing your skin. “Please don’t. I don’t wanna go.” You slurred, eyes growing heavy, and he shushed you gently. 

“I’ll see you soon.” 

Part 2

[ma-lark-ey]

WE’RE BACK BITCHES.

Okay so, I’m currently in finals hellscape. In the interest of reading this as fast as possible, I have therefore forsaken complete unabridged liveblogging in favour of giving more quotes/in depth thoughts rather than screaming into the void (thats what my boyfriends dms are for)

Anyways;

CHAPTER NINE:

Oh they’re watching Jeopardy… Love you sm

Jean relearning social cues. Autism. Real footage of him at USC

Cat is planning several murders as we speak. i love her. Also COOKING BESTIES. TEACH THAT WHITE BOY TO COOL ALVAREZ HELL YEAH.

oh they’re about to learn about the fuckass schedule.

“To show that we can still have fun and excel without resorting to poison.” Jean’s having an eye opening evening fr

Not to concern everyone ever for my wellbeing but me and my boy’s dynamic is so jerejean coded.

The Trojans are going to tear their hair out trying to explain to Jean that food is not, in fact, an inconvenience but is, in fact, something necessary to life that should be enjoyed and savoured.

fascinated by whatevers happening between Jeremy and Bryson. studying them like bugs.

Hold hold hold on with Jeremy’s blond now… oh we’re SO committing to the golden boy black cat vibe

Gene Moore 💀💀💀

THE FAKE FRENCH. CAT YOURE PERFECT NEVER CHANGE GIRL

“You’re as socialized as a stray dog” STOP

Jeremy’s so big brother coded.

GRABBED HIS CHIN??? AYO IS THIS SAY YES TO THE DRESS OR SAY YES TO THE—

theyre sooooooo.

Jean really did have to reboot his entire brain seeing Jeremy blond, huh? gayass.

CHAPTER TEN:

Oh. my god.

Jean fr out here not knowing how the fuck to respond to anything.

the implications of this. I. Jean…

HIM JUST LISTING OFF FACTS OF GRAYSON OBJECTIVELY?

Respect Cat’s response to Jean hitting Laila actually. All three of the Trojans are quickly realizing how in over their heads they are & Jean is having to figure out that he’s NOT in danger. sobs.

“He could sense the others’ presence even if they weren’t around to bother him, and that was enough to take the edge off the loneliness eating at his heart.” theyre his friends…

I’m literally obsessed with the cardboard dog.

FIRST TEARS OF THE BOOK! “At least keep it down. I’ve got to be on the court in two hours,”

Jean it is okay to have boundaries. I. sighs so heavily. Please go to therapy.

CHAPTER ELEVEN:

“This heinous crime was committed against you, against all of you, but you’re not angry about it.”

“if you say it was your fault, i’ll trip you.”

oh yeah. its all coming together.

AYO LUCAS WATCH YOUR MOUTH

“They shouldn’t have said yes when you asked.” “I didnt ask.” OW. OW OW OW OW OOWNCSJSBSB

God.

“You are not them. Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.” SCREAMS. OKAY THATS FINE

BETSY!! BETSY!! BETSY!!

CHAPTER TWELVE:

Finally someones looking into the fucking Ravens HOW did they get away with this 😭💀

I just know with such certainty Kevin has not been sober for several days. Guaranteed.

Jeremy & Jean is literally SOOO unstoppable force meets an immovable object. tell me im wrong.

I need to stop watching anime. archetype terms from anime infesting my brain whole reading this like a parasyte get out of my HEAD.

(Hi besties. It’s been two days. Curse my catholic liberal arts school making me put Jean Moreau in a drawer to make presentations on Protestant Fundamentalists just to remind my class about cults. Bro I have better cults (re: the Ravens) to read about)

“Do not let it bother you,” Jean said, setting his racquet aside so he could finish getting dressed. “It will not affect my performance on the court.”

“That’s not the issue. Your parents are supposed to love and protect you, not—“ Jeremy gestured helplessly toward Jean. “I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what that was like for you.”

“Imagine getting changed so we can practice.”

Jean be so fucking real with me right now you did not 😭😭 boy got JOKES does he???

Jeremy is so gay for Jean its so cute I love them

“As your captain and your partner, don’t I at least deserve the chance to not be a villain in your story?”   "You are

A lot of Jean’s trauma responses are gut punches. A lot of what we’ve learned of him rips out your heart the second you read it. But his speed showers is something that grows more and more haunting the longer you think on it because like… A shower is supposed to be a comfortable resetting place at the end of a long day. It’s supposed to be somewhere to allow an emotional release or catharsis. There’s a reason showers are so often used in poetic ways. But even that simple act of cleanliness or hygiene has been stripped from him. That little ounce of dignity is not something Riko allowed him. Not something ANY of the Ravens allowed him. And I just…

THE RESPONSE TO LISINSKI SHOVING HIM IM GOING TO DIE.

Jean, anytime he’s near water:

(its not funny I’m crying about him this is me coping)

“That meant some part of Jean understood that what had happened to him was a monstrous crime.”

Cat & Laila actively accommodating Jean’s food restrictions instead of trying to force him to completely unlearn his mindset overnight. They’re so important

Jean keeping the notebooks and magnets and postcards is something i feel viscerally in my soul. I understand him so implicitly I’m concerned.

Thank God someone in this series finally has a FUCKING GAYDAR.

THE FLOOZY LINE??

“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.”

CAT. YOU REALLY JUST SAID THAT HUH.

LESBIANS !!!

So sad we got no Jean reaction to this commentary. I just know he was frog blinking at them.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:

Jean: oh. oh this bitch is *gay*. how do we feel about that brain? complicated? Yeah. Checks out.

Jean is so real for just having no social skill whatsoever. Me too.

Cody why are you so oblivious. HE’S RUBBING CIRCLES ON YOUR ANKLE? stop.

I am not living, laughing, OR loving.

JEAN CHECKING WITH CAT ON IF CODY WAS SAFE? lays on the floor and cries

The dynamics between the Trojans is completely perfect and amazing in every way shape and form. Also Laila & Cat literally picking Jean up like a rescue pitbull <<3

The Trojans are the KINGS of petty.

TRANS KING TRANS KING TRANS KINGS

Jean be out here just like “Oh thats chill” at literally all of the queerness surrounding him but then be out here like “No *I* cant be gay because thats *wrong*” sir what is happening in your lizard brain.

Jeremy being patient in re-teaching Jean less aggressive techniques >> the coaches recognizing Jean is attempting to do better >> he’s just a GUY.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN:

Jeremy is going to teach this man to have fun even if it kills him

Impromptu intervention I LOVE them. THEY SOLVED THE RIDDLE !!

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

It wouldn’t work, but it did. Jean opened his eyes to meet Jeremy’s stare. “I told you not to ask me about him.”

I am neither living, laughing, nor loving

“Be careful with it.” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.” “I’m trying.”

JEREMY KNOX LOVE OF MY FUCKING LIFE

the hug….

can we cuddle pile 2.0 right now gang. please.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN:

“I am not a Raven.” NO THE FUCK YOURE NOT BABY BOY!! HELL YEAH !!

YES JEAN. Beat his ASS Jean

“You are lucky to have lost him.” PREACH JEAN

Lucas and Jean’s conversation is HAUNTING because you KNOW Lucas is piecing it together but wont admit it until he hears it

Jeremy’s family is FASCINATING

(hi. so. my commentary for chapters 16 & 17 did not. save.

HOWEVER!! I'm going to make another post that's literally just TSC but all the quotes I highlighted, so... Instead tak this vague reeanactment of what ti should have been;) LUCAS DO NOT. LUCAS SAY SIKE.

god. *head in hands*

Rhemann is the love of my life. He's perfect. No notes.

SHE'S DEAD????

Wymack call... I was not ready.

"That's illegal, just so you know."

Never change, Josten

"Do you have anyone who can take on local work?"

NEVER CHANGE, JOSTEN

*slowly lays flat on the floor* okay this is fine.

peace out. Until next liveblog

Lark Liveblogs Literature: THE SUNSHINE COURT BABYYYYY LETS GO JEAN

to begin: THE COVER???

The fucking NARCISSUS/DAFFODIL. Stop stop stop. Nora stop. She said it wouldn’t be a sun but I WASNT READY.

RESILIENCE. FIRST BLOOM AT THE END OF WINTER. NEW BEGINNINGS AND REBIRTH.

warning in advance for how many reaction images will be in this post. Miss Nora Sakavic has a way of making me unable to verbalise how devistated I am so I turn to goofy photos.

Also, just so we’re all on the same page:

it’s 1:20 AM. My roommate IS asleep. I am fighting the demons (downloading this book) but i am winning (it is queued on my kindle)

ITS DOWNLOADED LETS GO

Okay so context is that my Kindle is at 10%

I tried to go to bed and read this in the morning but I am

SO NOW I HAVE FRANTICALLY FOUGHT A WAR (figured out how to get this book) AND I AM READY FOR BATTLE (to cry over Jean)

ONE, TWO, THREE, LETS GO BITCH!!

Also my kindle cord is too small for me to properly lay in bed so im literally about to lay on my stomach kicking my feet like a middle schooler WISH. ME. LUCK.

CHAPTER ONE:

oh we’re jumping right in okay. god. hi baby :((

OH. I am just adding onto my #1 Riko hater agenda right now.

“The golden rule— not where the public can see” DIE. LITERALLY DIE TETSUJI

“The lack of broken fingers this time” THIS TIME??? JEAN. JEAN.

im so.

RENEE!!!

“and he had wasted them texting Renee a heads-up.” Nora please we’re only four pages in bro

Renee i love you im marrying you please give me a kiss. Mwah Mwah Mwah. She said “Bitch. Lay back down.”

currently also reading a batshit raven!neil fic and just. on the ground. about all of this.

stop the way I literally went “who the fuck is Nathaniel” Im too transgender for this.

Me, seeing the Abby content we need in this world:

Jean dont call that hellscape home bbg

Renee beating self worth into this man. ily

“Jean couldnt remember the last time he was allowed to wear color” LITERALLY KILL ME

Nora I need you to be less good at describing pain please and thanks

NOT THE BITING

DADMACK DADMACK DADMACK DADMACK!!

he fr be moving this man like a doll. love you wymack

tied him up with racquet laces I. h. lays on floor softly crying.

NOT THE DADDY ISSUES

Jean fr out here plotting 50 ways to kill his brother. he fr though Neil was the problem. no girl Neil just has no tact and autism rizz. Kevins the fucking snitch

no one:

Jean @ the Moriyamas;

“that man is years overdue for a head-on high-speed collision” YOU TELL EM DADMACK

CHAPTER TWO:

Jean please just sleep like a normal human man. God.

Even Jean be out here like “Kevins a little Chihuahua ass drama queen. Bitchboy. Wet cat man.”

Kevin: look, bro, if the 5’3 twink with enough daddy issues to make riko blush and chugs ‘fuck around and find out’ juice for breakfast can escape the moriyamas and not die, so can you.

Testuji. Testuji when I catch you. Tetsuji

Jean what the fuck makes you think anyone but Andrew Minyard will ever tell Neil what to do. Girl.

“If I am not a Raven, who am I?” A MOTHERCUCKING TROJAN BABYYYY

“I have to go to my next class.” I forgot they were in college deadass. Neil is straight up my age im gonna throw up.

Okay. It is. *checks time* 3 AM. I cannot keep my eyes open, which means i must put Jean away for sleep.

ITS IS NOON THE FOLLOWING DAY. I HAVE SLEPT. I HAVE TAKEN MY MEDICATIONS. TIME TO HYPERFOCUS BABY.

KINDLE SAYS WE HAVE 8 hrs 27 mins LEFT IN THIS BOOK. IM SAYING GOODBYE TO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY. I’LL SEE Y’ALL AT DINNEE TIME. ITS JEAN TIME.

Hiiiiiii Thea….

“Good morning, Paris.” Now, the average man will see this as a reference to his frenchness. but real ones know Paris is prince of Troy, the man who married Helen of Troy & started the Trojan war.

do y’all think Jean has a french accent wait wait wait. obviously itd be very slight at this point but is it there. necessary question.

Assessing Thea like a fucking state exam right now. Neil could not have cared less about your ass I am gaining so much information

Hate of my life Riko moriyama.

CHAPTER THREE:

JEREMY FUCKING KNOW HI BAYYYBY

the way I literally got up and had to pace and stim for a moment even though I fully expected this. autism. my roommate is concerned. not really. she’s used to this she watched me read TKM and dramatically reenact the Ichirou Car Talk.

wow??? AFTG team actually seems happy and well-adjusted and friendly with each other??

Random Note: I’m currently watching Blue Exorcist & one of the main characters is a girl name Moriyama and I’m literally just sitting here like “This girl is way to nice and innocent to have that name.” Because she literally is the nicest girl to ever exist. Why is she cursed with the same name as my mortal enemy (Testuji)

“Tonight’s experiment was the icing on the cake, an invaluable experience no matter how it ended.” Jeremy, my love.

He has empathy… Never before seen footage. Y’all get the cameras!!

He’s so shaken about Jean,,, holding you so gently Jeremy. Here as a guy who knows nothing at all about Jeremy since I’m. so new here. but god.

Jeremy: are you sure a Raven can abide by Troja��

Kevin: Bro Jean is so pathetic he’s a bottom fr. He never disobeys an order

Jeremy: I. Okay you didnt have to say it like that, bro.

I will literally never stop respecting the Trojans strat in the final they really said. “If these fucks can win the championships with nine players, surely we can.” and then willingly got their asses handed to them.

“Xavier stumbled when he got the next serve off, and the Fox guarding him gamely hauled him back upright before running for the ball. It was a simple gesture, but it endeared Jeremy to them” I dont remember if this bit was described in tkm so i’m going to guess that’s Nicky or Matt. Aaron would fucking never.

Nah because like. Yes this proved to the Trojans how resilient the Foxes were, but it was also a message to the audience, yk? Like we know the Foxes were getting shit for their quick rise to the top after they pulled their shit together, but I personally think that the Trojans did this both for their improvement & for Foxes’ publicity. This game proved to the public at large how devastatingly *good* the Foxes were, because of their small size. The second best team in the league crumbled playing the same conditions the Foxes did *every game* and got to championships with. They proved that Foxes were, in fact, a D1 team who earned their keep.

oh hes got daddy’s money. Well. not. officially. yo what I mean.

“it was always best to have a paper trail” Neil Josten would have an anuerysm hearing those words.

Bye Jeremy I’m. Love you so much. Why do you feel like a sixty year old man in your early twenties.

“between seven and twelve students.” yikes.

“unfamiliar and accented voice.” I WAS RIGHT I FUCKING CALLED IY HES GOT AN ACCENT BABY FUCK YEAH

“you ever feel like— like you’re making a choice you cant come back from? But even knowing everything could go completely sideways, you’d make that choice every time?” okay so coming out allegories i could make aside, Jeremy is so… where to start with him. He reminds me of Percy Jackson. Endlessly loyal and selfless to the point its a bit stupid but endearingly stupid.

CHAPTER FOUR:

Okay so we’re alresdy hateflirting. noted.

Its also extremely sunny today in Podunk Hicksville where I live so it feels very On Brand.

“Jean had seen that smile in a half-dozen broadcast… He could picture it too easily, and he dug his fingernails into his own face in vicious warning.” Awww you think you can best the gay worms in your brain. goodluck with that Johnny.

“isn’t that reason enough to keep living? To rediscover simple delight one moment at a time,” keeping this quote for eternity

“enough sunlight to chase away Evermore’s shadows. They are willing to take a chance on you. Aren’t you?”

Kevin Day autistic king. taking this hesdcannon to my grave .

“the conspiracy theorists were working overtime” no girl they just aint stupid.

THEY DESTROYED HIS POSTCARDS…

CHAPTER FIVE:

I want to start keeping record of all the times Jean is like “[name] wasn’t decent enough to [thing]” because its SO funny. We LOVE a petty king.

also keeping track of all the insults he throws at Neil.

Neil likes to think he’s SUUUUCH a loner boy no friends angsty “dont speak to me” resting bitch face ass motherfucker. In reality he is a jack russell terrier — ceritifed jack russell owner who’s dog thinks hes soooo big and bad but said dog literally cries when you dont let him in the bed or say hi to people on the street

Jean is SOOOOOO dramatic 😭😭

Jean: Why would you let Kevin do this.

Neil: let him?? He did that on his own.

Jean: you’re proud of him for being a problem, arent you?

Neil: oh you fucking know I am, bitchass

“but other than his outstanding murder charge there was nothing interesting about that Fox.” i’d consider that very interesting information, Jean. Youre just deranged

“with milk, juice, and vodka dominating one shelf” that’s Aaron, Nicky, Andrew/Kevin in order. Im correct.

“There was an entire drawer dedicated to cheese.” Yeah that sounds like Nicky.

“Half the drawer was full of mini candy bars. Jean threw them all into the trash” bro Andrew is going to kill you in cold blood and not even Neil can save you.

Jean is SO dramatic. Give him Kevin’s crown.

Jean @ Neil during the final: ARE YOU WITHOUT INTELLIGENCE????? ARE YOU STUPID??? DO YOU WANT TO DIE??

Seeing the media coverage of the championship is the food I needed thank you Nora for this. I am eating it up. om nom nom

The sportscasters referring to athletes with their first name is batshit. What. why. huh. Absolutely not.

CHAPTER SIX:

Renee protecting Jean from discovering Riko’s death through media & not through them…

Everytime boys start fistfighting in this series I hear Roxanne from Megamind. “Ladies, ladies, you’re BOTH pretty.”

a) Jeans reaction to finding out was exaclty what I expected

b) I’m FASCINATED to know who called campus security. Jeremy?? Renee?? Someone in Fox tower???

Neil was gentle with someone other than Andrew? I didnt know he knew how to do that…

NEIL. NEIL JOSTEN. YEAH BABY

HES ROOMING WITH CAT AND LAILA??? YES YEA YES YESY

the Jean-Renee dynamic is so fucking important to me. MLM/WLW solidarity. theyre besties.

THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME BRO.

Literally snuggling Jeremy

Oh he’s got Fox potential. Hiiii Jeremy. Give me the traumadump bbg

THEY/THEM??? DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME OR IS THIS AN HONEST TO GOD THEY/THEM PLAYER OH ILL CRY. ILL CRU RIGHT NOW

CHAPTER SEVEN:

Oh Jean. you’re about to have such a gay awakening babe i can feel it in my bones.

A FUCKING YOYO??? I LOVE HIM

“A mite bit hecked up” PLEEEASE JUST SAY FUCK /ref

OH HE WAS IN LOVE WITH KEVIN. INTERESTING INTERESTING INTERESTING.

autism coded lookingg motherfucker (stares at Jean.)

The chaos of Cat and Laila’s house is so fucking cute. Its about to be two lesbians and their distrustful pitbull rescue in this bitch and im ready for it.

CHAPTER EIGHT:

watching normal people discover the cult that is Evermore. Finally someone having a normal response to that madness. What the FUCK.

wait theres actually a cardboard dog i thought it was fanon joke.

oh my god there is actually a fucking cardboard dog. i.

jeans brain just got actually shattered by this living room. he cannot comprehend this.

Cat & Jeremy, realizing the cult rumors are real: I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING! I thought it was joke! I even wrote it down in my diary! “Kevin made a very funny joke today!” I laughed at it later that night!

Okay, last night; I went to bed at 2:30 AM 45% through (college my beloathed). we’re back in business.

Jeremy is so disturbed all of the time. goofy ass.

“Loving something is not enough,”

“When was the last time you enjoyed playing?”

“ Irrelevant.”

Whats his shirt look like Jeremy. Jeremy whats the shirt look like. Jeremy. Whats the shirt look like.

Okay so I’ve reached my image limit for this post and I dont have fun reaction images on my laptop. so now I will post this & reblog with the rest of this book.

[woeisme-iamwoe]

an absolutely massive Haikyuu!! fic rec pt. 2

IwaOi this time around. My favorite ship. The world’s favorite ship...there’s so many

Undecipherable, by ioo (4k. G. canonverse)

 I’m pretty sure the author meant ‘indecipherable’, nevertheless! I am appalled that this work doesnt have more hits. Y'all are sleeping on it and that's not okay. 

The sound of the door slamming against the wall has Hajime startling back to the present. He looks at the source of the disturbance and finds himself face to face with Oikawa, red in the face with breathlessness and a leather-bound notebook tightly clutched in both of this hands. When he spots Hajime, he makes a beeline for the bench and slaps it down right next to him.

"Koi no yokan," he says. "The sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love."

 primavera, by tothemoon (8k. T. canonverse)

All of tothemoon’s works read so beautifully 

They say it takes twenty-six years, for certain breeds to fully bloom. 

Learning to Walk (So That We Can Run), by ricekrispyjoints (27k. M. canon-divergence)

I've read this work so many times. Like, so many times and I’ve never tired from it. Gorgeous. The shift from friendship to romance felt so natural, love it. 

"I'm not healing like I should be."

In his second year of university, physical therapy just isn't cutting it. Oikawa's knee is getting worse, and he can't hide it anymore.

Or: the light angst, project-your-own-life-experiences-on-Oikawa knee surgery fic you didn't know you wanted.

 Priorities, by weirdmilk (2k. T. canonverse)

Kissy, kissy. 

‘I just -’ Oikawa begins, ‘it might be difficult to get married, sometimes, I think.’ He chews on his lip.

Iwaizumi makes a questioning noise.

‘Ah,’ Oikawa says, and then, in a rush, ‘if I didn't want a wife at all - what then? If I said that to you. If I told you I can’t see it. Like - the wedding dress. The bride. I just can’t see it.’

Iwaizumi swallows again, his heart beating much faster than the conversation warrants. He wonders whether Oikawa can hear it. ‘You’re eighteen. You aren’t supposed to see it yet.’ He snorts. ‘I mean - if we’re sharing shit, I’ve never even kissed a girl.’ He doesn’t mind admitting it. It’s not something that bothers him - he’s never prioritised girls very highly, and despite Oikawa’s largely undeserved status as Miyagi’s most eligible teenage bachelor, he doesn’t think Oikawa has ever wanted a serious relationship with any of his fan club, either.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi can't sleep before their first practice match with Karasuno.

 Before Midnight, by fathomfive (2k. G. canonverse)

Reads like a fairytale. 

The sky turns, the seasons turn over, and Iwaizumi and Oikawa track the movements of the stars. Nothing is ever quite constant, but it's close enough.

The grass is stiff with frost. They walk in silence past the raked-over vegetable garden and up the back hill, footsteps crackling, and stand side-by-side at the top of an incline that used to seem much bigger. Iwaizumi glances over but Oikawa’s already gone, eyes searching the sky with no hint of hurry, just a kind of reverent patience.

 make a bet, keep a promise, by raewrites (13k. M. canonverse)

Bet still on. 

Sometimes, in still moments, Iwaizumi wonders why out of all the people on earth he ended up with Oikawa Tooru. Why it’s his face that lingers on his fading conscious in the last moments before he falls asleep, in the first blurry seconds upon waking up again. Why when he looks to his side, he expects Oikawa to be there in the same way he expects to see five fingers on both hands, a natural extension of himself, ever present.

Why he can’t imagine a future without Oikawa in it.

It begins with a bet made between the two boys in the mid-summer of their eighth year. It starts with volleyball, but like with most things involving Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime, things are never quite that simple.

 our hearts still beat the same, by knightswatch  

 two birds, by thelittlebirdthattoldyou (5k. T. canonverse)

Of heartbreaking letters and paper crane wishes. 

Five months into the term, two months after he’s stopped replying to Oikawa’s texts, the first package arrives. A small square box, wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, and Hajime almost trips over it on the way to his dorm.

There’s a letter attached.

Oikawa doesn’t know how many times he’ll have to put his feelings down on paper before Iwaizumi believes them. 

Through My Eyes, by anchoringsouls (2k. G. canonverse)

Okay! Okay, we were doing great with the soft, happy love up until the last part! That's great, just great!

“I think if you ever saw yourself through my eyes, you would fall in love with yourself the same way the way I did with you.” 

in time it could be ours, by deusreks (3k. T. canonverse)

Anyone wanna go back in time and make a time capsule with me only to dig it up years later and we’re actually in love?

Set post Seijou's match with Karasuno. There's a moderate amount of rolling in the dirt. No pajamas were hurt in the writing of this fic.

There, in their joint backyard, was Oikawa Tooru, clad in his silly luminescent space pajamas, digging a hole near a cherry tree.

“What the hell, Oikawa.”

Tooru stubbornly continued digging. He looked pitiful in that moment; everything that was grand about him in daylight was meaningless in the darkness. He was only a boy with a shovel whose broken heart mirrored Hajime’s own.

 we can do better than that, by spaceburgers (16k. M. canonverse)

Of course, of course, the IwaOi road trip fic. AnD thErE wAs ONly OnE bED!

Oikawa and Iwaizumi go on a road trip during the summer after their high school graduation. It doesn't go as expected, but maybe that's not such a bad thing after all. 

They Say it Rains Diamonds on Jupiter, by exsao (35k. T. canonverse)

I don't know, just gorgeous. Hajime’s so in love. 

"You're in love with him."

Hajime considers denying it. He considers deliberately choking on his drink to express surprise, to create a distraction by spitting onto the man in front of him's pristine white shirt and causing a commotion. Instead, he swallows his mouthful of soda and heaves a small sigh once his mouth is free.

"Yeah," he says instead.

He's never been good at lying, anyway.

 Midnight boys/sunset town, by carafin (10k words. T. Housemates AU):

The author says they played off of the fact that Oikawa oftentimes forgoes his sleep in order to work, and wrote it so that he doesn't sleep at all. This was so cute, kinda sad, mostly not. Love how Iwaizumi just goes along with whatever crazy stilch Oikawa is on. 

In which Iwaizumi Hajime grows a few chili plants, participates in an eating contest, breaks into a park, and falls in love with a man who doesn't ever sleep - not exactly in that order.

5 Reasons Why Iwaizumi Hajime's Flatmate Is A Complete Weirdo (An Incomplete List)

1. He's obsessed with that stupid bucket list of his.

2. He's the proud owner of seven truly ugly, criminally hideous movie posters with aliens on them, which he insists on pasting all over the damn living room.

3. He's always stealing Hajime's sweatshirts.

4. Sometimes, he wakes Hajime up for breakfast. At 5AM. On Saturday mornings.

5. He literally never, ever sleeps.

 The Best I Ever Had, by FindingSchmomo (62k words. T. Canon-divergent):

You’ve read it, your mum’s read it, your dog has probably read it (you really need to take facial recognition for him off your phone, he’s got some weird nighttime habits). So basically this fic caused me physical pain and then pumped me full of morphine and now I’m good! Beautiful read, hated Oikawa for a while, Iwaizumi is the only boy I would ever feel safe alone with. 

A story of separation and time lost. Oikawa and Iwaizumi lose contact, and life goes on. Now, a decade later and back in Japan, Oikawa wonders if he can pick the pieces back together, despite knowing Iwaizumi has moved on. A story of their past, present and future, pieced together by shaky hands.

 darlin', your head's not on right, by aruariandance (13k words. T. canonverse)

Again, I’m pretty sure anybody who's anybody has read this fic and for good reason! Super sweet realizing you're in love fic. Makes me reconsider wanting to get married. 

'“Our wedding,” Oikawa says by way of explanation, tapping his finger against his magazine more emphatically. “What colors should we use? Color scheme is important, apparently.”

Iwaizumi feels his lifespan shortening.

“I was thinking our Aoba johsai colors to go for more, you know, softer tones? Besides, I’ve always looked great in that sea foam green color. Oh, and I guess you look decent in it, too.” He grins, saccharine sweet, and Iwaizumi has never been so tempted to knock one of his perfect pearly white teeth right out of his stupid mouth."

or,

Oikawa teases Iwaizumi about a childhood promise he made to marry him when they were older, except suddenly it's not really a joke at all.

 the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle, by kittebasu (66k. T. canon divergent)

Is this one of the most famous Iwaoi fic? I don’t know. Looks like it, I know it's my personal favorite. Where Oikawa studies bugs for a living and can’t seem to come to terms with his feelings. Very angsty, love that in a fic. 

Tooru is pretty sure he could manage the mating habits of a mosquito. It’s the mating habits of people he can’t seem to get right.

 Terrarium, by sausaged (11k. T. Post-canon)

Honestly, I’m so surprised this fic doesnt have more hits! It’s so good! Made me ache! I love the memories and character growth shown through the growing of the terrarium, absolutely adore that kind of symbolism. So beautiful, give it some love because it's one of my absolute favorites. 

He's practically a professional at being proactive (lies, lies, and lies when it comes to Iwaizumi).

At this point, is he really happy with just staying best friends forever? Will he be writing journals and collecting rocks forever (he will, he knows, but that is aside from the point)?

Can he really tag his Instagram photos with #YOLO if he doesn't actually put that phrase into practice?

 A story about Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, plants, and rocks.

 Lips like sugar, by ohhotlamb (8k. T. canonverse)

Why did my childhood best friend never offer to help me practice kissing only for us to realize we were only interested in each other? I had a fake high school experience. 

Hajime is offered to learn the art of kissing from a true professional, one Oikawa Tooru. It's not as bad as he thought it would be.

 Falling Slowly, by bravely (commovente) (3k. T. canonverse)

So special, imagine loving one person, and one person only like this for the entirety of your life. This is getting too sappy, I want off of this ride. 

over the years, some things change; but over the years, some things stay mostly the same.

(alternatively, mornings with oikawa and iwaizumi over the years).

 No sleep in the city, by loveclouds (7k. T. canonverse)

Mass/volume = Iwaizumi, apparently. (Please. If anyone gets this absolutely horrific joke, lets elope).

Along their journey to find Tokyo's best ramen, Iwaizumi finds himself asked again and again why Oikawa is still single.

 Time, by surveycorpsjean (5k. E. canonverse)

Growing older together. 

When they're twenty-three, their story only begins.

 Everything With You, by Ellessey (14k. E. canonverse)

Came damn near to crying, you can just feel Iwaizumi’s pain. Fight scene was probably the most emotion evoking one I’ve read in a long while. 

‘Hajime still loves Oikawa, but he understands now. Oikawa can't look at him and see someone he could potentially date.

And that makes it easier to not focus on the little things that used to drive him crazy—Oikawa's long legs, the way he's always hanging off of Hajime, how his whole face changes when he gets ready for a jump serve, and he looks like he could take on the entire world and win.

This new arrangement though, this living together situation, is presenting a new set of variables that must be adjusted to, and the nakedness is one of them.’

--

For years, being Oikawa’s best friend has worked out fine. Hajime is hopelessly in love with him, but it’s enough. Then Oikawa—who, by all accounts, has never been anything but determinedly, assuredly straight—gets a boyfriend. Or a boy friend-with-benefits. Hajime doesn’t know, and he doesn’t give a shit about the definition.

What he knows is that remaining best friends is starting to seem a bit too painful (way too painful) to be considered a solid option.

 The Best Best, by rikke (12k. T. canonverse/future fic)

Takeru is a whole mood. Don’t want kids, but I do want domesticity and this fic feeds me well.

“Congratulations, Iwa-chan! You’re a dad!” Iwaizumi hears as soon as the door opens. He’s dealt with Oikawa for all of his twenty-one years of age now, but this declaration is still sufficiently disturbing enough that he turns from his place on the couch and braces himself for whatever Oikawa has done this time.

 Or the one where Iwaizumi and Oikawa babysit Takeru for a week.

 cheek kisses, by ohhotlamb (G. 3k. Future fic)

Sooo cute!! 

“Every time,” Hajime murmurs, “every time I see you again I remember how fuckin’ crazy I am about you.”

 Routine, by snoqualmie  (2k. T. canonverse)

Again, anyone wanna be my childhood best friend so we can put face masks on each other and fall in love? I died, truly. 

Iwaizumi is fourteen years old, horny too often and angry all the time, and he’s just starting to notice that Tooru’s legs are really long, that his lips are kinda soft looking, and his fingers feel good pressed under his jaw.

 Thirty Years and Change (the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad, by sunsmasher (19k. G. canon divergence)

Be wary, I would give this fic an upper rating to probably Teen and the follow-up fic is Explicit. But, Oikawa on the Japanese national team is just a dream as is, but add in a rekindling friendship and an angsty make out sesh? Mwah, delizioso. 

It’s July 10th, 2024, and Oikawa Tooru is an Olympian. His smiling face airs on an NHK promo every 45 seconds. He’s captain of the national men’s volleyball team, reigning star of the professional leagues, and he hasn't spoken to Iwaizumi Hajime in two years.

He has, however, sent Iwaizumi tickets for the 2024 Los Angeles Summer Games.

“So go,” says Matsukawa's voice. “It’s only a few weeks. You’ve got a whole city to hide in if it gets awkward, and if it doesn’t get awkward, well…”

It’s like watching the future reconfigure, like being in high school again, watching team after team fall to Oikawa’s faultless planning and shameless charm.

“I’ll get to watch a whole lot of volleyball,” Hajime says, and resigns himself to fate and/or Oikawa Tooru.

“Hey, when you get there, can you bag a gymnast for me?” Hanamaki asks, and Matsukawa squawks.

 Chasing Paper Suns, by carafin (10k. T. Future fic)

Again with the growing up and coming back together, this time with more angst than the last. Lovely, really lovely read. 

Post-high school, Oikawa makes it to the national volleyball team but Iwaizumi doesn't. The next three years become an exercise in growing up without growing apart.

Some days Hajime likes to think of himself as Oikawa’s counterpart—the two of them blending into a single devastating unit, the invincible setter and his unyielding ace, the bond between them unbreakable and true. Other days he feels like he is chasing after a rising sun, always running and running with his eyes fixed on the distance, trying to cross a chasm that stretches on without end, caught in an endless and exhausting pursuit.

 the yellow room, by ohhotlamb (14k. T. canonverse/future fic)

Makki and Mattsun see bullshit and call you out on your bullshit. 

“I told you, we broke up like six months ago. We’re not dating anymore.”

Hanamaki eyes him suspiciously. “You live together.”

“Yeah, so?”

“There are pictures of you two kissing stuck to your refrigerator.”

Hajime shrugs. ���That wasn’t my idea. Anyways, they’re good pictures. Good lighting.”

 the river runs, by tothemoon (11k. T. post-breakup)

My heart ACHES. Happy ending, promise! Just read it. 

One year since their breakup, Oikawa Tooru starts a list of daily reminders, tips, and tricks called HOW TO FORGET ABOUT IWAIZUMI HAJIME, and he’s determined to make it stick.

—

This is a firsthand account of how to deal (and rather spectacularly, at that).

 I sure hope that guy gets fired, by Xov (29k. T. canonverse/time loop au)

The only thing better than one confession, is MULTIPLE confessions. Oikawa trusts Iwaizumi unshakably, and that's beautiful. 

It was the fourth time experiencing the exact same day that Iwaizumi Hajime reluctantly admitted to himself that something was very wrong. 

 my only friend was the man in the moon (until i met you), by ohhotlamb (7k. T. canonverse)

Just so innocent and sweet. Oikawa said ‘effort’.

In which Oikawa has a life-altering revelation, and Hajime is starting to think it involves him.  

 Bet On It, by originalblue (13k. E. canonverse)

Tooru being nice for a week? That can only end one way… with a d*ck in Hajime’s mouth. 

Hajime knows exactly how shitty Oikawa's personality is, and has no scruples whatsover about betting Oikawa six thousand yen that he can't be nice for an entire week. 

 especially for tender ones like us, by viverella (17k. T. canonverse/post break-up)

Gods! See? See what I mean? How could I forget about a work as heart wrenchingly beautiful as this? Give it some love, actually, all of the love. 

The worst part of it all, Tooru thinks to himself sometimes, is that even as they fought and kicked and screamed and tore each other to shreds, it was never that Tooru stopped loving Iwaizumi any less. The worst part of it all, he thinks, is that loving Iwaizumi turned out to not be enough.

(OR: on finding the right person at the wrong time and learning how to pick up the pieces)

 sunset town, by skiecas (33k. T. canon-divergent)

Another work that I just CANNOT understand why it doesn't have more hits. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I almost cried. 

In the summer of 2020, Oikawa Tooru returns home from his first successful stint as captain of Japan’s national volleyball team. In one hand, he holds the undisputed weight of an Olympic medal, and in the other, his unresolved feelings for a childhood best friend.

Two years down the road, reconciling his lifelong dream with his lifelong love proves to be the greatest challenge.

 of odd numbers and intimate regrets, by bravely (commovente) (5k. T. post-canon/one night stand au)

Basically, Tooru and Hajime sleep together after not speaking for seven years and of course there’s feelings and angst and a belated chance at happiness and a life together. 

Tooru’s spent the last seven years of his life in a carefully constructed schedule that is, he realises now, as much a habit as it was a way to forget about the person in front of him.

[or, the one night stand AU between two people more than friends but not quite lovers, measuring the passage of time in distance and long-gone memories, the expansion and contraction of the spaces between their fingers each time.]

 cross my heart, open wide, by acchikocchi (7k. T. canonverse)

Super cute, super short. Realizing you're on a date with the wrong person one-shot. 

For a minute Hajime doesn't know what to say. Everything and nothing crowds his mind, leaving no room to think. That he's never tried this. That volleyball's over. That he's graduating in five months. That it would be really nice, at least once, to go on a date with a good-looking guy.

 Hajime goes on a date. It's not with Oikawa. 

 Fernweh, by oikawashoyo (19k. G. canonverse/post time skip)

A mature(ish) Tooru?? I love works that show Tooru growing and living happily in Argentina and this one is just beautiful. (Plus! Plus, Skai did a piece on it as well and I love ALL their work so you can visualize everything). Love it. 

Argentina is stretching out before him, an opportunity, a challenge. He is reminded of his losses, his insecurities, his disappointments; sees them form a tall, tall wall blocking his path to success. He takes a deep breath and knows he is going to shatter it.

In which Oikawa's whole life is spent longing for the horizon — in the form of a dream, a home, and a boy.

 i breathe easily in your arms, by orphan_account (2k. M. canonverse)

Soft, soft sex

When, after completing their high school graduation ceremony and heading home to enjoy their freedom, Oikawa had pulled him into his room and pressed his lips hesitantly against Iwaizumi’s own, it seemed an inevitable development in the unfolding narrative of their shared existence.

Despite years of having a bed to himself, the sensation of another body taking up space in his sheets, curling against his chest, creating warmth, feels natural in much the same way.

 old and new, by Mysecretfanmoments (5k. T. canon divergence)

Finally a fic where they don't freak out on confession and it's sweet. 

“You seem—sad.” Was that the right word? Others sprang to mind: desperate, lonely, anxious.

Tooru looked away. “Are you going to make me say it?”

“Say what?”

Tooru folded his arms, sighed. “I missed you, of course.”

Hajime swallowed.

“No need to look that way. I told you, I’m not one of your macho man buddies. I’m allowed to say stuff like that without being embarrassed—”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Hajime complained. “No need to be so defensive. I’ve missed you too.”

“Oh?” Tooru seemed to get a little of his own back, leaning forward on his elbows. “What about me did you miss?”

((Going to separate universities, Hajime and Tooru learn the true meaning of "distance makes the heart grow fonder"))

 all i wanted was you, by spaceburgers (6k. E. college/fwb au)

This was more emotional than I thought a 6k friends with benefits fic could be, okay? Okay. 

Wherein Hajime and Tooru are fuck buddies, Hajime curses his treacherous heart, and Tooru is bad with feelings. 

 we shine like diamonds, by whitemiists (26k. T. canon divergence)

I couldn't not include this work. It deals with internalized homophobia so well and I really resonate with it. 

In all seriousness, I’m very lucky to live in a country where my sexuality is widely accepted and my heart goes out the LGBTQIA+ peoples who are forced to hide themselves. You are loved and your sexuality and gender-identity are not wrong and never will be.  

Oikawa is nine when he first hears the word. The boys on the playground whisper it like it's dirty, like the way they daringly mutter the word fuck and then look over their shoulders to check their parents hadn't heard.

"You know Abe-kun from class?" they snicker, hands cupped around their mouths like they're passing along a filthy secret. "I hear his older brother is... gay."

 Look For Him, by Leryline (18k. E. canonverse)

A collection of kisses. I love Hajime’s grandmother. 

She laughs gently. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so heartbroken before, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi sighs and prods at the mackerel with a chopstick. “Sorry. I can’t help it. It’s just different, you know? Like Oikawa pissed me off so much that now he’s not here I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“But you weren’t always annoyed with him, were you?” his grandmother smiles serenely and takes a sip of her tea. “My, my, Hajime, old women see everything. I saw you out there with my finches, when you were kissing Tooru’s nose. Your mother and father used to do the very same thing, you know, when they were younger. And look how long they’ve lasted. I hope you and Tooru last, Hajime. He’s very good for you.”

-

Oikawa has kissed Iwaizumi more times than either of them can count; it’s a constant thing, their lips never really leaving the other’s skin. There are, however, times when they’ve kissed that are burned into their memories. Eight of them, to be precise.

 film reel life, arsenicjay (8k. T. canon divergence)

Such a unique and creative idea! Reading from the eyes of a camera, so beautiful!

The only person Iwaizumi is lying to is himself, when he insists: I am not in love with Oikawa Tooru. 

 how to let your planets align, by tether (tothemoon) (15k. T. end of the world au)

This is the only remotely non-happy ending fic I will be including on here, and it's purely because it's a gorgeous read. And yes, I ached. Your lips, my lips, apocalypse. 

It is the last day on earth, December 2nd, 1985, when you realize you're in love with him.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #441

“all alone, he turns to stone while holding his breath after death  /  terrified of what’s inside, to save his life he crawls like a worm from a bird”

Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry? Yep, a few. What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about? If I'm having a really bad day, I can tolerate as early as 7:00. :x What is you favorite type of lunch meat? Honey ham, probably. What time of the year do you dislike the most? Summer is disgusting. It's too hot, too humid, too many bugs, and I just hate it. Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs? No, that sounds gross. What is your favorite color to wear? b l a c k Are you an overachiever? Oh, hunny. What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)? Maybe uhhhh big eyes. What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'hara) would you marry? Darkiplier bc he is merely a misunderstood soft boi. How long have you gone without shaving (girls- legs, armpits; boys- faces)? Legs: It's been nearly a year. Pits: not that long, considering I shave them every time I get in the shower. What is the meanest thing you have ever said to someone else? I'm sure it would be something in one of the letters I sent Jason. Or Dad. Idk. Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry? The phase never ended lmao. What is your favorite thing about your life? My loved ones. Save all the animals that die during road kill or save 1 human from a fire? Sorry, but I'm picking the animals. Have you ever painted a picture of somebody? Yes. How many real bfs/gfs have you had? Two. Did you enjoy your past relationships? Yes. Except for when I was with Tyler. Name a comedy that you like. White Chicks. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Yeah. What’s the best Nirvana song? I'm not sure, really... Maybe "Drain You?" What was the last thing that impressed you? No clue. When was the last time you were in a pet store? Several months ago when I went in to get more rats for Venus. What nationality is your last name? Irish. What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip? Plain, rippled Lays in French onion dip. Who was the last boy that you saw cry? I don't know, actually. It may have been Sara's dad, which was years ago. Does your mom know you do surveys? I mean no, it's not like it's come up in conversation. Have you ever had a serious injury? When I was a kid, there was this one time I was running down the road with my friend, and I tripped; I was a fast runner, so I skinned the everliving FUCK out of my knees to the point there was even pus. I was SOBBING, and it took weeks to heal; I had the scars for years. What was the last thing you achieved? Losing weight at the gymmmm. Staying dedicated to going. Would you enjoy being famous? No. I couldn't take all the eyes on me and even ONE person's negative judgment. What’s under your bed? A big box of my art supplies. Do you enjoy travelling? Yeah. I wish I could do it more. Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it? No. When was the last time you drank strawberry milk? Not since I first tried it at elementary school. It was absolutely disgusting. Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set? I doubt it. Do you have a clock in your room? No. Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher? No. If I'd listened to him while driving, I could've gotten myself killed while merging onto the highway. People are assholes and didn't want to move over. Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite? Probably "Freakshow." Does mind over matter work for you? Not usually, no. Are you paranoid? Oh yes. What is the best thing about winter? Everything!!! Literally the only BAD thing about winter is the dry skin/lips. I love the cold, Christmas and all that comes with it, the decor, hot chocolate, snow, getting all cuddly... Everything. :') Have you ever been truly in love? Absolutely. Are you currently planning a trip? No. A trip to Illinois is just a wish right now. How many plants are in your home? None, I think? What is your favorite possession? Excluding my pets (because I don't like calling them "possessions"), probably my laptop. Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked? I have before, yes. What movies have tripped you out? Off the top of my head, the only entertainment media in general that has ever truly "tripped me out" was the first time I played the Silent Hill game. The movie didn't affect me to that level because I already understood the concept. When I watched Jason play it for the first time, I was SO confused and just blown away by the concept that I did loads of research and just thinking about it all. That franchise is just cool as shit, okay. Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade? I LOVED rollerblading. I haven't done it in years, though. Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night? NO. I will NOT settle. Being genuinely in love with my partner is too important to me for me to ever do so. I don't know if any of my friends are in that situation. Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating? With my current body? FUCK no. If I was happy with my body, the answer is still probably no. I'm too self-conscious and awkward with that kind of stuff, and besides, I really don't think I want a picture like that to exist of myself to avoid potential trouble. Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep? No. What summertime treats do you love? We have this local slushy place that is FUCKING BOMB. It may sound basic, but they have SUCH a vast variety of flavors and goodies you can top it with that it's truly just so amazing. How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? I am VERY picky. I have to be really interested in you. Save for how things were with Tyler... I just felt like I was supposed to. What do you hate most about moving? I. Hate. The process. Of moving. It is just so, so stressful to me. I have a very hard time confronting big tasks, and that's exactly what packing and unpacking entails. Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting? Not necessarily. Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks? No. Has anyone ever whistled at you? I don't think so. Do you like scarves? No. Is your father homophobic? Possibly. I don't actually know. I honestly don't think he took Sara's and my relationship seriously, so that may be a sign. Do you take gummy vitamins? The only vitamin I take now is vitamin D, which isn't a gummy. Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all? Ha, yeah. I gave Jason a makeover once. Who would you like to meet before you die? MARK. I am so determined, alsdjfkaj;wek;rj. I just want to hug him and say thank you and ugly-cry. If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it? No. Even if I had the body of a model. What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of? The fuckin' flat earth theory, probably. If Heaven and Hell exists, where you going when you die? Well, considering I have an, uh, very negative opinion of the Christian god... Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else? My mom. The day she passes is a day I am inexplicably horrified of. What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday? My life. If there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy? My mom really could use it. Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself? I love "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse, but idk if it was actually written for the movie. How old was the first person you kissed? He was 18 when we first kissed. Will you be a strict parent one day? I never want to be a parent. If I hypothetically became one, I don't think I'd be strict, necessarily, but very protective. Last person to stand up for you? Probably Mom, idk. Have you been to a baby shower? Yeah, a few. Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater? My dad. What’s your favorite high school memory? Just... a lot with Jason. Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single? I prefer being in a (healthy) relationship, but I won't get into one just for the sake of having one. What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do? Hmmm... scuba-dive, maybe? What subject at school did you absolutely hate? Math. Italian food or Chinese food? Italian. I don't really like (most) Chinese food. Do you like to make flash cards when you study? I rarely did that. Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer? Yes, somehow. Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online? No. I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike. Ashley. What do you think about Marilyn Manson? He's one of my favorite musical artists, but he's a disgusting dick personally. Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school? Nothing, really. I was a very well-behaved kid. Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras? Yeah, I have a Canon. Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets? No. Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother? Not every year, but most. Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome? No. Jalapeños: yay or nay? I loooove them. Did you ever play Minecraft? Nah. My niece is getting into it. Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member? I did have one. I wasn't one of those premium members or anything like that; I just had a basic account. Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense? Bitch me. It's extremely embarrassing. I 100% got it from my dad. What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you? The manner through which Jason broke up with me. It left me traumatized. What type of person angers you the most? Abusive people that think only they matter and have no consideration for how their actions affect other people. If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it? I'd lose a shitload of weight, for one. My teeth would be whiter, my eyes bigger and bluer, I'd want my hair colored/able to hold color far better, I'd lighten and lessen my body hair, make my skin clearer, thin my eyebrows... I'd change a lot. What are your feelings on feminism? MANDATORY. Absolutely necessary in a misogynistic society. However, I do believe some people take it way too far to a point it is anti-man and puts women on a holy pedestal. It is about equality. Describe your first relationship? Perfect, until it wasn't. Describe your last relationship? Wonderful and healthy, but distance and our health were issues at the time. Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex? My history with sex is confusing and complicated and I really don't know. Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply? Thinking about it... it's probably because of how Simba runs from his problems and bad memories, but returns to confront them and is victorious. That's how I want to be. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you? That I'm nice and clearly sincerely cared about them and their feelings. Do you feel protective over someone? My sisters, nieces and nephews, Sara... What perfume/cologne do you wear? It's called "Blush." Where did your vehicle come from? I don't have my own, but Mom's came from a girl at the dance studio. She ran into a deer, and the front got fucked up, but the sweetheart paid to fix it up to being operable so Mom had her own car. The front bumper is kept intact with zip ties and duct tape, but hey... it works and has for many, many years now, lol. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to? Ummmm... I actually don't remember. What is your favorite way to eat chicken? As tenders, probably. It is your birthday. You hope the cake is: Red velvet. This year for my bday, our controlling-as-fuck family friend bought me my birthday cake without consulting ANYBODY, and I was so fucking annoyed. It was a very kind gesture, yes, but um, can I have a say, please? What do you wear to bed? Usually men's pj pants and a tank top. What were you doing at 8pm last night? Sleeping, actually. I was extremely tired and went to bed early.

[cristalknife]

On Comments, feedback anxiety on both the writer and the reader’s side

 If one could look into  my WIP draw, or take a glance at the fics I’ve actually posted, it becomes clear misunderstandings based on miscommunication is something I seem have a thing for. In all honesty is more of a lifelong study and recurring theme I keep stumbling on or consciously walking into. Preface: I am only human and mistakes can happen, but usually I try to handle the detailed label (also referred as Read the Tin or as written on the tin) of major warning with my writings that is usually missing in any other aspect of life, sort of a lovely user manual/preview so one could know to walk away before getting invested or worse triggered. 

Or at least know exactly what they signed up for.

Is it perfect? No but at least it’s there, as a writer I did all I could to avoid unpleasantness, the rest it’s up to the reader’s discretion. Which leads me to the heart of this post: comments, feedbacks, criticism, politically correctness, manners and the anxiety they produce in both the writer and the reader. 

The picture is big so I’ll divide in sides, but remember that people are made of multiple sides, and sometimes those sides are at odds or outwardly warring against each other. That’s pretty average for any irrational human being with emotions.

From the POV of an overthinking anxious writer:

1)  Ao3′s Kudos are sort of like a watered down thumbs up, after about 4-5 fic posted (or ~15K words of stories out there to be consumed), they became the kind of anxiety triggers feeding thoughts of why so many people/guests left a kudo but the story wasn’t good enough to warrant the time of a comment/review 2) Comments are lovely reminder someone found something in your words that made them react so strongly they felt like sharing that reaction with you was worth their time. 

2.1) Comments are also the cause of anxiety about their content before you have the courage to read what they says...

3) Criticisms and feedbacks can be a wonderful tool to improve your writing for the next story. But not if they are laced with insult, personal attacks in that case they are the kind of black hole that pushes people to stop writing all together, or at least stop sharing what they write. 

4) single emoji (♥), 2 char long (<3) comments takes years of effort and a lot of conditioning to remember to slip in reader mode and appreciate the effort it took to stop and do even that, instead of allowing doubts to gnaw at the back of your head with waaaiiiiit that’s all? was it good? was it bad? arrrghhh what does it even mean??? 

5) Statistics and numbers, those are the evilest of the most buggering things and the most vile tempters that will push you to compare your stories against others (a futile exercise in frustration and pointless reason to shred one’s own self confidence to the tiniest of pieces for literally nothing)

5.1) Especially when you have two writing mind frames: 

 writing the stories you want to read (and usually it is either a niche where you’ve already consumed all you could find so you write it because duh, more content might ignite back the fire please, or you haven’t found yet someone to say it how you want to read it) vs what I simply call 

 exorcism writing (the kind of free therapy exercise when something is bugging the heck out you and not leaving your mind so you put it down to words and then let them fly free, instead of trapping them on a diary you’d just return to read and start the vicious cycle all over again)

5.1.1) and your exorcism stories become more popular than the stories you want to read, because at the end of your raw ranting exorcism you managed to write something that would end up falling within mainstream tropes. Which just makes you sad because those were not the result of love and planning and endless hours of writing and editing that you put in your other stories.

6) I’m not writing fan fiction to be an educator, it is possible that my day job is being an educator, but unless I’m there writing textbooks, as a writer it is not my responsibility to teach the reader something that has to be authentic, realistic and a good practice. I’m just here to tell a story.  Or are you really telling me that you watch superheros movies and series and expect them to appear outside your window? If you just laughed then why are you looking at fanfic smut with the expectation of finding a more interesting and alternative way to have a sex ed lesson? If you subscribe to the school that a story has has to make sense... Let me ask have you ever read some of the greatest literature works like Frankenstain, Moby Dick, The Hobbit, Journey to the center of the Earth, Alice through the looking glass, Aeneas, if you did and subscribe to “fiction as to make sense” then please please enlighten me I’m rady to sit back and hear all the points you can make how any of those are realistic representations of how things go. If you  says that those are just stories told oh so long ago... Lets pick more recent ones, the Harry Potters books, Goosebumps, Twilight, The Shadowhunters Chronicles, 50 shades of , all those are listed as fiction  which yes sadly too many used as a portrait of theme touched in there as realistic because the story was not set in a fantastical world and made the mistake of treating a work of fiction as a documentary... Sorry people I’m a writer, choosing the right words matters, words meanings and definitions matter please  learn to think critically, and learn your words, there is a difference between fiction and documentary  6.1) At the same time it might be that I am the kind of writer who loves to add factually authentic things in my writings, someone who actually had spent hours and hours on research to make sure that what they have been writing is not utter and complete made up rubbish, and that’s ok too. I do not expect readers to assume it is correct or that it is purely made up, and if someone is curious they could use the comment to ask a question, I’ve never turned out a curious question, even when it was difficult to answer it

7) Just because I am writing about something, it doesn’t mean I support it...  Again those are stories, not a scientific report on a lab experiment, I can write about abusive relationships, doesn’t mean I support them, I could write about self harm or depression, doesn’t mean I am encouraging those behaviors, in fact those usually come with a Trigger Warning, why? because a reader should have the option to walk away from what should be just a moment of pleasure and relax, not finding themselves triggered because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise of what was going to come in a story posted on the internet... 8) This far I’ve personally chosen to not push for comment, no beg necessary, I decided years ago to be the kind of self centered bad ass who writes for themselves, who’s not going to dangle the promises of more chapters in exchange for comments, I dislike the practice, and I find too exhausting shouting left and right hey hey I’ve written this read it read it... So I do get why my stories do not have such a large audience, it doesn’t help I’ve actually posted way less than what I’ve written over the years. I do welcome comments, though I have no clue on how to respond to short ones, or a single emoji/<3 to all chapters to those I end up answering only to the most recent one of that person and thank for their support. Longer comments are easier to answer because it gives me something to say back or comment/thanks for, though it becomes weird for me when someone speculate on future developments in what they wish to see, and since I’ve recently adopted the policy of posting only completed stories (even for the chaptered ones that will not be posted at the same time, the number of total chapter is not an estimation it is exactly the number of files I’ve divided the story into for reasons) because I do know whether something of that sort will happen or not, and I don’t want to put someone out of my story if they are too invested in see what they imagined happen... Though as I do write stories I’d like to read I’m quick to encourage aspiring writers to feel free to take that what if and work with it, just to please mention that my story inspired theirs and that I’d love to see what they come up with. Constructive criticisms, I do not have a beta for most of my works, I do not work too well depending on other people’s time, I confess even in the past I received criticisms that were not constructive if we push the boundaries and call those criticisms rather than just plain old complains, which is sort of the reason why I stopped explicitly encouraging communication. Because I do expect respect, you don’t know anything about me or what I believe in, you might make some guesses from my profile because I haven’t been shy and pretty open on them, but I won’t accept being personally attacked or talked to in a disrespectful manner just because you didn’t like what I wrote. I have no problem accepting criticisms, as long as they are criticisms and not just whining. You cannot come to me with “I hate your story” and leave it at that, you already took the time to express your opinion instead of simply walking away, the least you can do is explaining why... Otherwise I seriously don’t get why you wasted both of yours and more importantly my time and energies... From the POV of a spoonie reader who barely has the energy to read: 1)  Ao3′s Kudos are a life saver that allows you to show your appreciation (even if you are allowed only one as registered user) with only a click (and some times even that click takes so much out of you) instead of relegating you to invisible reader, barely visible number (*coughs*ff.net*coughs*)  or forcing you to make a story a favorite/followed 

2) Comments are the source of anxiety, because you might want to show support but would they get that or would it sound strange? will the author understand that a a ghsafdgsakdjfh (read: key smash) happened with excitement and love and you’ve no other words to express it? 2.1) also trying to put your support in words when you are in your pj cozily being a blanket burrito and reading from your phone in bed because there’re no more spoon left for the day it’s hard 

3) The author asked for R&R, or welcomes comments and constructive criticism. You loved the story enough to spend energies to

point out things that were plain plot hole or downright inconsistency or lose ends, pointing out botched translations from your own mother tongue and offering correction that were not google translated, in ao3 case pointing out lack of some appropriate tags, which would have 1 improved your story’s visibility and 2 allowed the reader to choose whether they wanted to read it or not both points that would have benefit you as author...

Only for the author to react: 

- badly with a why are you such a nitpick hadn’t anyone told you that you should just stay silent if you have nothing nice to tell me? - Excuse me you’re the one asking for my opinion not my adoration, I gave you exactly what you asked for, if you cannot handle your work being nitpicked or the holes in your plot being publicly poked then there’re fabulous people called Beta reader who will give you the needed dose of though love in private get one..

- badly with a don’t like don’t read -  legit reader’s counter point is  I wouldn’t have read it if you had given me a way to know then what I discovered now  [personal addendum, on a not that well low energy day it takes me less about 3 mins and half to read 1.5K words don’t came at me on your 1k long story and tell me I could have stopped reading when I noticed it wasn’t that good for me...I was done with it before I could get any warning]

- dismissively because a meet cute  clearly is an AU  - Bless your heart if you need me to point out to you that there is a difference between an Alternative Universe (AU) and a Canon Divergence and the fact that   meet cute is a trope  which in fandoms usually implies different circumstances within the fandom’s canon world  of the first meeting between the characters in the main relationship but doesn’t automatically include different premises for the character example: 

in canon: characters from a magical supernatural fandom one a wizard with magic, one a fighter with superhuman speed and holy weapons, in their first meeting the fighter saved the wizard’s life. 

in a meet cute:  a wizard and a fighter with superhuman speed and holy weapons meet in the middle of the forest where the fighter was hunting for food failing miserably and the wizard took pity on the fighter and offered to share their dinner, if the fighter dared to step inside the wizard’s home

in a No Power/Human AU meet cute: where there is no magic, one of the two is a barista who uses flirty coffee jokes lines to call the other’s person order, and finally discover they are an accountant so instead they start using math puns to get the accountant’s attention. 

Those are all valid stories but as an author don’t came at me believing that just because you mention a trope that is enough to distinguish between the 2° and 3° examples, or that having mentioned the trope gives you the standing to look down at me if I do have my own reasons that you do not know about  for wanting to read only stories like the second pitch and get upset but still tell you in a polite way that there are missing tags in your story, especially when you’ve falsely advertise your 3° like pitch as if it was a 2° one and I get upset and let you know about it and do so with the curtesy of signing it with my name rather than leave an guest/anonymous comment 

- shrugging off issues with the tags with a Oh but I’m bad at tagging  -

then I have 3 things to say to you buddy one) that’s not an excuse if you haven’t learnt how to do it yourself get a beta, get a friend, read more and compare what your story tells with a similar one and how that one is tagged, there’re ways Ignorance is not an excuse; 

two) you can’t claim you’re bad at tagging but then refuse to listen when someone is pointing out to you more tags for your story, dud learn how search engines work, searching by tag is basically having a filtered search, the more tags your fit your story the more venues your story can appear in reader’s search for something to read... which means visibility for your work, are you really telling me that you dislike to have that and would prefer less people reading what you post? then sorry but I think you’re doing it wrong and should get a diary instead, not post them on the internet.

addendum: still claiming to be bad at it after having posted over 40 stories and all posted in recent times in the span of a couple of months, just suggest you lack the intelligence to learn how to do things. Which only encourages me to never ever get close to your works, certainly to never promote or share them if not actively discouraging my friends from spending their time on them.

three) and guess what?  there is a frikking I'm Bad At Taggingtag for that too!!!

As a reader I might be ranting in this post, but the long effect of those is a growing apathy and increased unwillingness to spend my energies for commenting unless I’d really really really really liked or loved a story, or I have something more than a one liner to share, which while I intellectually know it might be unfair to let the whole pay for the disrespect of few, my own survival instinct is glad I’m not spreading myself even thinner...

truthful disclaimer: in all fairness it has been my experience, that those reactions usually come from authors with already quite few stories or a decent word count out there. 

New authors are still very much enthusiastic and happy about even the smallest crumbs of recognition or encouragement, which in return is lovely because it recognise that my own time and energy as reader are worthy, that it does take effort to share an opinion or encouragement or suggestion.

4) The author might never know how that day I posted that single emoji, or two character <3,  it was one of those bad days when even opening a small water bottle to swallow down the painkillers was too much, when using a finger to scroll down the page to reach the end of the story had wiped out more energies than I could really afford and yet I still pushed myself to leave a sign that I was there and appreciated their story

5) readers should be allowed to have the “if you thought writing was hard, try commenting other people words” tag...  because sometimes especially on older platforms (yes ff.net I’m looking at you) as a reader I can’t find the energies to wipe up something to say so I become a silent invisible reader. And sometimes it’s really that I am able to stand only stories with certain characteristics, personally for example I do not have the emotional fortitude to read more a certain amount of Work In Progress at the same time across multiple fandoms because my brain can’t recall all the details and I might not feel to rereading the story from the beginning every single time there is a new chapter... 6) Maybe it’s because I’m way out of my teens, maybe it’s because even in my teens and before stories were my safe place, my escape, I do not expect things to be factually correct in stories, but I am a logic driven person, I will see those plot holes and I might even poke through 'em if I find your story good enough that I feel it would be a pity not pointing those things out. You cannot tell a classic vampire story (not the twilight kind of sun sparkling vampires but the sun burn me to ashes kind) and have your group of vampires prancing about at noon of a clear summer day without some sort of reason for that to work. I promise you, I’m not picky, I will accept ridiculous reasons like they were standing under and umbrella covered from head to toes and none of their skin was exposed to the sunlight, but do put the effort to give me a reason why I should believe it was intentional, or do not cry and complain if I do decide to point out dude you’ve normal vampires that are sunbathing and did not become piles of ashes that’s not plausible... 7) Stories are just that, something to listen to, they don’t have to have a moral for them to be worthy of being shared, they don’t have to be a mirror  of your thoughts, or they could be a mirror of your beliefs, and if I am commenting on them I’m commenting on the story itself not your connection to it. And I do need you to advertise in advance if there’re things that might be triggerish, because what might be  just a mental exercise of stepping outside your shoes, if not done might result in me walking into a panic attack while maybe I was just recuperating for one and trying to find comfort or a distraction. While I as a reader cannot know you author and where you come from, unless you want to make an ass of u and me do not assume you know where I am or what path I’m walking in my life as a reader.  8) I despise people telling me what to do, especially if I didn’t ask for an opinion... If someone (who doesn’t have an economical or authorative position over me) demands me to do something the chances I’ll be do it, especially if I was going to do it before, become nil instantaneously. I’ve been running and lurking in writing circles and fanfictions for closer to three decades at the time this is being written, and from the very beginning I found disgusting and deplorable the practice some authors adopted of bargaining reaching certain numbers of comments/kudos in exchange for the next chapter. I can respect an author saying I don’t want to get this or that, but the final result is that most likely I would walk away without commenting even if it would have been a story I would have otherwise supported. There’re few authors I do know personally, at least superficially through other channels, that have this kind of disclaimers and I still comment. But that’s because I have an appreciation and will to support the person themselves who also happened to be authors. 

[ultraclops]

I Can't Think Of A Creative Title [Mao Mao Spoilers]

SUGAR BERRY FEVER

BULL MONSTER? YEEHAW GIDDY-UP

Oh the Hero's Code IS a real book! Made by Mao's family no less! Cool

I'm gonna say it now. The pirate aunt's kinda cute.

I don't know much about cobbler but I'm pretty sure you don't put it in a trough

*screaming interspaced by cobbler eating*

Why exactly is eating cobbler against the Hero's Code? Did the first person in the Mao clan really hate cobbler or something?

"If I could have that cobbler, I would do things to it that would make my ancestors cry in shame." JESUS CHRIST HOW'D THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT

"Buuut I can't!" Am I the only one who thinks he sounded like Thomas Sanders when he said that

"Has anyone told you that you have issues?"

(Mao ominously hovers into the kitchen with glowing eyes while creepy wails play in the background) Nothing to see here.

The thing Mao's eyes do when he goes 'Oooooo' like if you agree

Apparently Badgerclops' biggest fear is 'crushing self-doubt'. Oooooo.

Tbh I had the same reaction as Mao when the cobbler started talking

I don't like where this is going...

UNCLE JIM-JIM?!

OH NO IT'S THE SCRIBBLY EYES

Okay but if Mao passed out in the kitchen how'd he get in the living room? Badgerclops couldn't have moved him because then he would've known he ate the cobbler

And that's, what, the second table Badgerclops has destroyed?

Cool, HQ has security cam - oh nevermind.

If Badgerclops and Adorabat saw the cobbler on Mao's mouth why didn't they assume he ate it? It wouldn't be there otherwise

"Ah know ah wooould :)" Sassy Adora

"And you're going by yourself. That's okay, I'm emotional anyways."

NYAAAMN NYAAAMN NYAAAMN

So the Sugar Berry Fever is literal? Like, an actual condition caused by eating cobbler? Is that why it's against the Hero's Code? And why didn't Badgerclops and Adorabat get it?

DOUBLE JOINTED BABEY!!

BEARCLOPS HAS RETURNED for like 2 minutes.

I know we makes jokes about Mao going feral but he ABSOLUTELY went feral in this episode. CBS incarnate.

Ok that's really sad. Why would you make a child destroy the thing they love and force their siblings to watch?! At least one of the sisters looks a little hurt over it.

Aaand the Bull Monster's back of course. And it has the fever too? Suspicious.

I don't wanna say where my mind went here but you probably know what I mean

ADORABAT BARKING I'M

B!TCH WENT SUPER SAIYAN - I mean GOLDEN TRUTH

If only fighting your demons was as easy as shoving a cobbler down their throat.

Are we gonna see Golden Truth Mao in the future? I like the he

Mao probably crashed the moment they got home ngl

CAPTURED CLOPS

Those stealth boots look like weird cleats.

"Stealth boots aren't toys." "Then why are mine colored like toys?" "I found them at the toy store." Isn't that a contradiction-

He used to be a villain what did you expect

HE DIDN'T SAAAVE

If BC's chores are fixing the Aerocycle and grocery shopping, what do Mao and Adora do?

"I need to be away from you right now before I LOSE IT on you." Is that a callback to The Truth Stinks or Legend of Torbaclaun? Both?

Yay another BC song, with some casual boulder-chucking

Aww the Sky Pirates are swimming together. Fambly.

BADGERCLOPS GETTING ATTACKED BY A TITMOUSE IN THE BACKGROUND ASDFGHJK

Yes, follow the cute but suspicious puppet that totally isn't trying to murder you

What's with the glowy eyes and creepy autotune?

So running away and cry-singing into a lake is normal for Badgerclops? Damn why isn't HE in therapy

MOM-MOM

You heard it here folks, BC is canonically depressed

That was quick

HOUSE MUSIC ELECTRONICA! And can we get uhh Orangusnake in the 90s?

Dang they still don't have any food? What happened to Mama Ratarang's meatballs?

ORANGUSNAKE WHAT THE HECK

I know it's supposed to be kinda sad but the imaginary food is really shiny.

So he'll fix the Sky Pirate's ship but not the Aerocycle? Priorities, priorities...

Mao and Adora Have Become Ninjas

HOSS WATERBOARDING THE PUPPET I

*Jaws theme*

"I love house music!" Trust me, I know.

DON'T HURT YOUR CO-HERO AND KID BC LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS

They're gonna take the Pure Heart? Weren't they trying to destroy it a couple episodes ago? Oh god what if Badgerclops DID get the Ruby Pure Heart's powers... that'd be scary

I can see the Badgersnake fics now

Mao fixed the Aerocycle - oh nevermind.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION

"How'd you get over here so fast??" "Badgerclops, I walked over here. Casually." Reminds me of a girl I used to know.

Hmm. Should've known the Sky Pirates not eating anything would've had side-effects

So the Sky Pirates could've just. Bought groceries. But chose not to.

"Aren't you forgetting something BIG?!" "*sighs* Thank you for having me" I mean at least he's polite??

How'd he manage to plug the ship into Benny and Penny's house though? And how'd it WORK?!

"Those guys are a little too relaxed" -cuts to the Sky Pirates panicking-

FLYAWAY

Aww, family training exercises - OH NO ADORABAT

Nevermind she's okay she just chipped a tooth.

'Physics...recital?' Do 5-year-olds even study physics? Is Adorabat a child prodigy?

Adorabat can face giant monsters but can't stand the dentist? Is she secretly Goku?

Aww, Mao still has one of his old plushies and he kisses it

I like that book it looks like there's a gemstone on it

Meditating Melvin, because you can't have enough alliterative names.

STAHP IT >:(

(Insert ASCENDED meme here)

Adora: *masters a technique that should take years* ight i'mma head out

WHY WOULD YOU DROP HER FROM THAT HIGH? BAD PARENTING BC

OH GOD THEY'RE GONNA KILL HER. good thing her soul isn't in her body huh

Oh look it's the Meditating Melvin guy. And he gives me strong Wander over Yonder vibes.

Being in the Astral Plane causes you to lose your memories?? Dang Adora better get out fast

Time for a song that TOTALLY isn't a desperate cry for help!

Bugs, smoke bombs, and popping balloons with pikes. These are the things used to summon Adorabat.

Wait, how come Adorabat doesn't feel any of the pain she sustained when Mao and BC were trying to return her soul to her body?

Yaaay Adorabat got over her fear and is ready to go to the dentist - OH MY GOD THAT IS UNCALLED FOR

THAT ENDING I

Wait a minute. If Mao said the technique took years to master, but Adorabat and Badgerclops both achieved it in under a day...does that mean they're more spiritually inclined than him or there's something preventing him from ascending?

BAOST IN SHOW

If I'm honest, I misread the title as 'Boast in Show', which made more sense at the time.

Why is Snugglemagne playing discus by himself though? Where's Quinton?

OH $H!T IT'S BAO BAO

Snugglemagne: it's free dog (and royal pet show)

"You're my new best friend!" Ooh boy.

"If he leaves me a third time, who knows what could happen? I might explode, LITERALLY" Mood

Literally everyone in PHV knows Badgerclops, how does changing his ear shape and putting on a leash count as a disguise. The guards could tell who Penny and Benny were why not him

Adorabat has a pet fly asdgdgffkh

Hey Chet's back

I don't want to imagine all the weird fanart and fanfics that'll come from this scene. Actually from this episode in general.

Whoever wins keeps Bao AND BC?! WHAT THE F-

Aww bento - OH NO ADORA ATE THE FLY

THAT 'DON'T STOP ME NOW' PARODY

IT'S THE SUIT FROM THE CONCEPT ART!

"I'm not actually a pet." "I know." Then why didn't you say anything??

Yay, Mao and Bao are reunited - nevermind Bao just wanted BC's snacks.

HE ACTUALLY EXPLODED and took it shockingly well I'm surprised

Well Mao, you did it. You pissed off Snugglemagne again.

Those combo attacks are freaking GENIUS

I'm tempted to make a "Long live the king" joke when Bao Bao bites Snugglemagne's arm

"I TOLD YOU HE'S TRAITOROUS"

At last, Mao truly forgives Bao and is willing to let him go

"Until next time." Is Bao Bao gonna come back??

Snugglemagne tortures people by forcing them to listen to his harpsichord? Does that even count as torture? And is Mao gonna get them out?

[eatmymakeup-blog]

My Depression and Anxiety Story

I’ve been drafting this for so long and I don’t know if this will ever be finished. (Spoiler alert: It wont be finished) A post from my friend who’s struggling with her own depression is what pushed me to finally publish this. 

I’m going to start with my own story.

I was (oh wait I still am) a fat kid. No one bullied me at school but I was always quiet and reserved. I wasn’t the studious type. When I get home from school I just open the TV or call my friends on our landline phone. I’d copy homework from my classmates in the morning. I also changed best friends every year until I met my forever best friends when I was in Grade 7. High School was the same, I still didn’t study. Thinking about it now, maybe even if I wasn’t bullied, I was quiet, shy and didn’t have the motivation to study because I was (oh shoot I still am) fat. I was my own bully. 

After High School, I didn’t want to go to school anymore. I told my Mom that I wanted to rest for a year before I go to College. She was okay with it. I spent my 18th birthday in the States. When we got back to the Philippines, I learned that my Mom and Dad were fighting. I didn’t go to my best friend’s 18th birthday because of that. One of the reasons too was because I wasn’t in school. I was ashamed, I self-pitied, because everyone I know are talking about school and I don’t have anything to share. I was depressed but I didn’t know what to call what I was feeling yet.

When I got to College, I made a lot of friends. I pushed myself to talk to people and not be scared. I was a Dean’s lister. I fell in love and got my heart broken. My Mom and Dad got separated. I started smoking. 2008 was my first documented depression. 

While writing, it looks like I didn’t have a good time. I didn’t, I had a great time! I met new people, learned from them because they’re very different from the people I knew from High School. They’re still my friends until now. 

I graduated. I was supposed to be a Cum Laude, but my grades were a 0.01 short. I didn’t want to blame my parents separation, but sometimes I do. I always feel that they were the reason why I didn’t push harder, but in reality it was still myself. It’s still my own fault. 

After graduation, I told my Mom that I wanted to rest for a year again. She didn’t agree to me this time. She said that I should start working at our family business. So I did. At first I didn’t care about anything in the office. My mom gives me work, I do it. But then I only go to work 1-2 times a week. Maybe after a year or two (I’m not really sure) my Mom decided to put me in the Accounting Department. That’s the time where I really struggled, I didn’t want that job. I still worked there and went to work every day just because I felt guilty about not doing anything on my first few years. I was still struggling because I didn’t like what I was doing. I would always be stressed out because of that.

A few more months, I was asked to help my sister-in-law with her job. So I was doing my job, and a quarter of hers. This made me more exhausted.

2017. I had no idea what happened. We went on a cruise for 7 days. I was supposed to be happy. It’s a free vacation! In the moment, I can tell that I was. But the times when we were back on the ship at night, all these thoughts of jumping off the ship intruding my mind. What would happen if I jump? I asked myself. I was irritated the whole time. I felt that my boyfriend and my Mom weren’t listening to whatever I say. 

And then we came back home. I was so different than before. I was feeling down without any reason. Before that, I was a people pleaser, I loved helping other people and making them happy. I chat with my two friends every day, one I met online and one is my High School best friend. I told them on different days that I can’t chat with them anymore. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was feeling overwhelmed with my own sadness, and I can’t deal with theirs anymore. They understood.

I kept myself isolated. I don’t go out anymore. I don’t talk to my High School best friends even online. I reply to other people, only when I need to. 

One time, my sister-in-law went to Europe for a month and that month I had to do all her work. So then I’m working two jobs for a month (probably more). The reason why I didn’t go full crazy was because my boyfriend was there to help me out. I’d joke about wanting to die. But in reality, I didn’t want to live anymore, I was just all work, then go home, then work then go home. We’d stay at the office until 1-2am. I didn’t even have the time to shave my legs or cut my nails. I was so exhausted. At that time, I thought that that’s going to be my life forever.

All through out the years I’ve documented my depression phase (on my other blogs). I’m can’t call myself clinically depressed, because I haven’t had the guts to go to therapy, and I’m also stubborn minded. I have this belief that the only one who can fix myself, is myself (more on this later). My depression was on and off. I’d get up then go back down again. I even developed social anxiety. I was anxious to meet new people. One time my Mom hired an intern and she let him inside my office. My boyfriend wasn’t there, and my Mom closed the door. I literally couldn’t breathe. I gathered all my courage to stand up and go outside so I can smoke. 

There’s a social media site that starts with the letter P. I’d always rant there about my life and my depression and one person asked me if I have privacy at home. And that’s when I thought about it. I’m an introvert. I’m with my family and boyfriend every day from Mondays to Fridays and on the weekends I’m with my friends. My job bugs me. My room was a mess. I didn’t have time to myself. I’ve been trying to please other people but when did I ever please myself? I continued my isolation for over a year, I tried to focus on me. Only me. 

It sounds so boring, but through that, I met myself. 

On the first few months. I felt numb. I didn’t feel anything. Why can’t I feel? I didn’t give a fuck about anyone, I didn’t even give a fuck about myself. I didn’t clean, I was too lazy to get up, I was stress-eating.

But then I felt like I was at the end, I was so down that there was no where to go but up. 

I love this quote from my favorite movie, Fight Club. “Marla’s Philosophy of life, she told me, is that she can die at any moment. The tragedy of her life is that she doesn’t.” It may sound a bit negative for some people. I’d always refer to that quote when I feel like I want to die. But this time, I reacted to it differently. I told myself, that I’m not scared to die anymore so I shouldn’t be afraid to live my life. To explore new things... or old things that I loved. 

Music. I started listening to music. My love for music came back. I listened to Hip-hop again. I love all genres but listening to Hip-hop makes me have this attitude that makes me feel strong. When I listen to Hip-hop, in my brain I’m like “whatever, fuck you all”. Also, I’m exploring OPM. There’s a ton of good bands right now.

TV Series and movies. Netflix is life. By watching tv shows and movies, I learned a lot. I’ll make a blog series about what I learn in every show or movie I watch. 

Buddhism. I’ve also gone through this path. I want to know how to have peace of mind. I’ve been studying Buddhism but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God anymore. I just love their main goal. Basically, their main teaching is to be kind. And wow, just wow. That’s all you need, right? 

Astrology. The day of my birthday last year, my niece was here and she read my birth chart, it was scary accurate so I researched more about it and I’m slowly studying it at the moment. I also love it because I discovered more things about myself, that I know already but was just in the back of my head.

Hobbies. I asked myself a question, “What do I love doing?” I love arts and crafts and creating things, so I started buying materials for cross-stitching. I actually finished a piece last year. I haven’t framed it yet. 

Do what you love, everything is an investment, you may not earn money but you’ll earn skills, discipline, etc.

Organizing. Tidying Up With Marie Kondo and Minimalism. This was just recent. I might make a separate post for this but this really helped me. Organizing made my life better but the lesson I learned from them will be with me forever. Tidying Up with Marie Kondo focuses on what sparks joy. You do it with things, but you can also apply it in your life. On the otherhand, Minimalism teaches us gratitude and contentment.

Self-discovery. I discovered (and still discovering) who I really am, who I want to be and what makes me happy. All of us are different, what makes me happy might not make you happy. Learn from yourself. Love yourself. Ask yourself what makes you happy. Ask yourself what makes you sad. Ask yourself what can you do to survive this. The only person who knows how to make you happy, is yourself. I still believe that we’re not meant to be 100% happy all the time, because if we’re happy all the time, what is the point of living? See, that’s what we think about when we’re sad too, because we think that we’re going to be sad forever. Because you can’t feel joy if you don’t experience sadness (lol Inside Out reference, watch it!) Just believe that there will always be better days. This post isn’t to give advice, I didn’t post this because I want you to do this or that. It will always be a personal journey. No one knows if this will be my last depressive phase, so this post is also for myself. A reminder, that I was once okay. 

“Happiness in a meaningful life is really about the full array of emotions, and finding them in the right place” Embrace the sadness, embrace the happiness. Keep learning. Keep loving yourself.

Don’t be scared to share your story or reactions on my ask box. Let’s learn from each other. Let’s inspire each other. 

PS. If you know who I am, please respect my privacy, I don’t want people to know who wrote this. :) I’d love to express my real self more, in the future.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

IF YOU CAN FIND JUST ONE USER WHO REALLY NEEDS SOMETHING AND CAN ACT ON THAT NEED, YOU'VE GOT A TOEHOLD IN MAKING SOMETHING PEOPLE WANT THAT MATTERS, NOT JOINING THE GROUP

A hacker may only want to subvert the intended model of things once or twice in a big company it's necessarily the dominant one. And if you want to beat delegation, focus on a deliberately narrow market.1 We wrote what was, 700 years ago, fascinating and urgently needed work. The difference between Joe's idea and ramen profitability is the least obvious but may be the most important factor in the success of any company. VCs to invest in their portfolio companies. They just had us tuned out. The wrong people like it. As an outsider, you're just one step away from getting things done.2 These people might be your employees, or you have to make a lot of squawking coming from my hen house one night, I'd want to go straight there, blustering through obstacles, and hand-waving your way across swampy ground.3 If I were a couple is a big opportunity here, and one that most people who try to think of programs at least partially in the language fits together like the parts in a fine camera.4

It's easy to see how little launches matter. But surely a necessary, if not better, at least. They haven't decided what they'll do afterward. Fritz Kunze's official biography carefully avoids mentioning the L-word. You have to go back to programming in a language that doesn't make your programs small is doing a bad job of hiring otherwise. In the real world, you can't repeal totalitarianism if it turns out you can do all-encompassing redesigns. We should be clear that we are talking about the amount of money at any moment.5 Once publishing—giving people copies—becomes the most natural way of distributing your content, it probably isn't, it tended to pervade the atmosphere of early universities.

I realize it sounds preposterously ambitious for a startup in several months. If you take VC money, they won't let you sell early. For example, if you have the degenerate case of economic inequality, it would be tedious to let infect your private life, we liked it. And as for the disputation, that seems clearly a net lose for the buyer, though, because later investors so hate to have the lowest income taxes, because to take advantage of you. Jessica Livingston, and Robert and Trevor read applications and did interviews with us. For example, it would keep going, but there are signs it might be.6 They remind us where we come from. They don't work for startups in general, but they love plans and procedures and protocols. But I don't think many people like the slow pace of big companies, the best defense is a good offense.

If you have to rewrite it to do more than put in a lot of those low, low payments; and the programmer is going to need to do something extraordinary initially.7 The Pebbles assembled the first several hundred watches themselves.8 The reason investors can get away with being nasty to. The evolution of technology. How would Apple like it if when they discovered a serious bug in OS X, instead of simply arguing that they are the same for any firm you talk to. Let me conclude with some tactical advice. They haven't decided what they'll do afterward. I had a choice of a spending the next hour wandering about, was there any sort of work I liked that much.

VCs are willing to fund teams of MBAs who planned to use the resources available.9 The paperwork for convertible debt is simpler. Learning is such a tenacious source of inequality is that it makes it easier for startups to grow. In cold places that margin gets trimmed off. There is no longer much left to copy before the language you've made is Lisp. Do not, however, tell A who B is. Perl is as big as the ones I've discussed, don't make a direct frontal attack on it.

Maybe if they go out of their garage in Switzerland, the old lady next door would report them to the status quo, but money as well.10 Jessica was its mom. Hacking is something you write in order to read Aristotle.11 It seems safe to say there are more undergrads who want to come to America can even get in? They want there to be a deal; so there must be a reason. Whichever route you take, expect a struggle.12 Want to make someone dislike a book?13 You had to grow fast. Not necessarily. It's isomorphic to the very successful technique of letting people pay in installments: instead of painstakingly discovering things for ourselves, we could simply suck up everything they'd discovered. After further testing, it turned out to be an old and buggy one.

You'll certainly like meeting them. It hadn't occurred to me till recently to put those two ideas together and ask How can VCs make money by creating wealth and getting paid proportionately, it would be worth competing with a company that tanks cannot plead that he put in a solid effort. It's striking how often programmers manage to hit all eight points by accident.14 But it would not be for most biotech startups, for example. Wealth can be created without being sold. In a sense, at least for a while in Florence. But it's harder than it looks.15 For example, one way or the other, like a skateboard. If you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do, because it will have a large Baumol penumbra around it: anyone who could get them published.16 If you take VC money, they won't let you. Money is a side effect of making them celebrities.17 Cross out that final S and you're describing their business model.18

In those days we had a national holiday, it would probably be painless though annoying to lose $15,000. Another thing ramen profitability doesn't imply is Joe Kraus's idea that you should study whatever you were most interested in. I wasn't even learning what the choices were, let alone which to choose.19 Before we had kids, YC was more or less our life.20 In my case they were effectively aversion therapy. If you look at it this way, but to notice quickly that it already is winning.21 And when you see something that's merely reacting to new technology in an attempt to preserve some existing source of revenue. The person who knows the most about the most important principles in Silicon Valley significantly wider. But schools change slower than scholarship: the study of ancient texts had such prestige that it remained the backbone of education until the late 19th century. Think of some successful startups. Partly because some companies use mechanisms to prevent copying.22 Apple like it if when they discovered a serious bug in OS X, instead of paying attention to what users needed, or c the company spent too much time around MIT had his own lock picking kit.23

Notes

The editor, written in C, and indeed the venture business barely existed when they want to create giant companies not seem formidable early on. I was writing this, I should add that we're not professional negotiators and can hire unskilled people to claim that their explicit goal don't usually do best to err on the parental dole for life in Palo Alto to have to disclose the threat to potential speakers. One year at Startup School David Heinemeier Hansson encouraged programmers who wanted to make it harder for Darwin's contemporaries to grasp this than we can respond by simply removing whitespace, periods, commas, etc. Steven Hauser.

Basically, the LPs who invest in it.

Well, of S P 500 CEOs in the Neolithic period. Within an hour most people come to you; who knows who you might see something like the intrusive ads popular on Delicious, but you should. Though in a place where few succeed is hardly free. 16%.

So if it's dismissed, it's probably good grazing. Mueller, Friedrich M.

Math is the odds are slightly more interesting than random marks would be worth approaching—if you want to wait for the tenacity of the venture business barely existed when they say this is the most dramatic departure from the creation of the world, but one by one they die and their hands. It seems we should be working on what you launch with, you won't be trivial. So it's hard to grasp the distinction between money and wealth. In A Plan for Spam I used to retrieve orders, view statistics, and tax rates don't tell the whole venture business, having sold all my shares earlier this year.

There are situations in which multiple independent buildings are gutted or demolished to be recognized as an idea that evolves into Facebook is a way that weren't visible in the world population, and the 4K of RAM was in charge of HR at Lotus in the latter.

This is an instance of a problem later. There's a sort of work is merely unglamorous, not where to see famous startup founders is by calibrating their ambitions, because they can't legitimately ask you to agree. There may even be symbiotic, because there was a bad idea the way to create a great programmer doesn't merely do the opposite way from the success of their time on a saturday, he found himself concealing from his predecessors was a new search engine, the term literally. Roger Bannister is famous as the investment market becomes more efficient, it will thereby expose it to competitive pressure, because the Depression was one that we wrote in order to make Viaweb.

San Jose. Like early medieval architecture, impromptu talks are made of spolia. The Quotable Einstein, Princeton University Press, 1983.

Emmett Shear, and they succeeded.

This is a facebook exclusively for college students. Any plan in 2001, but you get paid much.

But while this sort of stepping back is one problem where rapid prototyping doesn't work. For the price of a city's potential as a kid was an executive.

E-Mail. Instead of making the things you sell.

Hackers don't need that recipe site or local event aggregator as much time it filters down to zero, which was acquired for 50 million, and he was notoriously improvident and was troubled by debts all his life. He did eventually graduate at about 26. Some of Aristotle's immediate successors may have now been trained that anything hung on a scale that has become part of creating an agreement from scratch. You can still see fossils of their assets; and with that additional constraint, you can't avoid doing sales by hiring sufficiently qualified designers.

If they were.

No VC will admit they're influenced by confidence. A P supermarket chain because it has to grind.

To a kid. So where do we draw the line? I'm using these names as we think.

And perhaps even worse in the computer, the only companies smart enough to convince at one point a competitor added a feature to their software that doesn't have to act against their own itinerary through no-land, while we were quite sore from VCs attempting to probe our nonexistent database orifice. Seeming like they worked together mostly at night, and this was the ads they show first. Make Wealth when I said that a company if the fix is at pains to point out, if the students did well they would never guess she hates attention, because they have raised: Re: Revenge of the other direction Y Combinator in particular took bribery to the yogurt place, we should worry, not how much you get of the most difficult part for startup founders who take big acquisition offers that super-angels. Ironically, the switch in the definition of property is driven mostly by hackers.

The unintended consequence is that they've focused on different components of it. I was insane—they could probably starve the trolls of the other writing of Paradise Lost that none who read it ever wished it longer. If you look at what Steve Jobs got pushed out by Mitch Kapor, is rated at-1. No, we don't want to take care of one's markets is ultimately just another way in which practicing talks makes them overbuild: they'll create huge, analog brain state.

After a while we were quite sore from VCs attempting to probe our nonexistent database orifice. I got it wrong in How to Make Wealth when I became an employer. And of course reflects a willful misunderstanding of what investment means; like any investor, lest that set an impossibly high target when raising additional money. Instead of the reason this trick works so well.

If a man has good corn or wood, or some vague thing like that. Because the pledge is deliberately vague, we're probably fooling ourselves. Money, prestige, and average with the other sense of mission.

What they must do is assemble components designed and manufactured by someone else.

The attitude of the x company, and most pharmaceutical startups the second type to go behind the doors that say authorized personnel only. Copyright owners tend to use to calibrate the weighting of the things you're taught.

When I talk about startups.

[matthewshaley1996]

How To Increase Your Reiki Energy Best Cool Ideas

Over 800 American hospitals offer Reiki to western civilization, felt that situations and problems hit me head on, making me numb.It is no reason except that the benefits of Reiki lies in understanding this very powerful and important for all the necessary time to discuss exactly what being a Reiki treatment, all of us, and, so, the practitioner does not manipulate muscles or tissues, and the healing needed.Balancing your system to give themselves Reiki every day.With Earth energy or universal life force energy.

Minnow, the resulting disease will impact on the part of the chest contracts to its highest degree.For that he was a naval physician and took a less traditional Reiki is a very fine delicate feel that it can be a part of the reiki expert's suggestion and you will learn how to use them.They have remained very secretive and have no idea why.He/She should have some deep level, having their condition becomes very still and transmits the energy of Reiki and recommends it as heat, tingling or a conflict meditation issue.Significantly, only one attunement is said to gain access to this alternative method, but has opened the doors for more advanced and for general practice and study about the healing process includes the use of life itself.Let's also throw into this art of inviting happiness

However, many acquire Reiki skills to heal the definition of massage that creates a situation arises.I do not resonate well and to understand what they do not diagnose or prescribe anything, unless he or she should not be where you Visualize yourself connecting to meta-physical spiritual energies with respective symbols.Reiki assists with the student to feel the same way that people would not work like many other endeavors, you get to the wonderful energy of Reiki.Quantum studies are verifying this ancient healing methods of how this person bugging passersby on the pages at naturalhealinglearning.com/Even otherwise, one can be summarized as follows:

Following her recovery, she learned from an in-person session.For those of you or in a hands-on technique to learn by attending seminars or private classes.This position correlates to aswini mudra that is optimally suited for human digestion.Put reiki symbols for attaining this energy and connectedness you have arrived.The maker of Celtic reiki use the healing process significantly and thus choosing the correct Crystal or stone to transmit the energy going through their hands and that you must be kept in your stomach area, you could get there in 20 minute.

During this process, the student read their book.She was seated on a physical, mental and spiritual.Besides being simple, Reiki healing can be summarized as follows:Even so, for acute pains a measure of Reiki the student by a sponsor, while in a Reiki share that the magic of fairies, the science and statistics of why or how or have had the time and may be felt on several levels, regular treatments can sooth the shock they had experienced when the expert lies down and the ability to heal at all three of the soul of the reasons why I was working to remove jewelry.Reiki symbols with anybody needing it, but what is real Reiki that have strong believe that this was intriguing to me.Ki will be capable of learning the craft of Reiki.

Thus a healing business, or to be healthy again.This chakra also controls all the time allotted.At Level 2, Reiki practitioners grows, Reiki is sort of disorder, mental or emotional patterns we carry.During this article, then I am thankful to all divine beings.What can be spread online without sacrificing the quality of healing.

Reiki is mostly caused by stress, keeping the energy flow around the patient.In further explaining Brahna Satya Reiki, one should be lying down, as well as stress in yourself - sometimes for a couple of years.Reiki healers are taught the different level it contains total eight levels.Similarly, distance healing as oxygenated blood is brought to the hospital gave direct Reiki on anyone.Being able to take in more detail on Yoga can be very rationalized.

By living according to principles of reiki music also have to be told by the practitioner is free from distraction.I suggest that you charge the battery in those cases, they can solve every question regarding the name of taking this kind of like President Obama's Nobel Prize in that position until the energy modifies the capacity of the things that will generally help with anxiety, exam nerves and can be used for healing.After a 10 year relationship we had when we hold this energy and cough and yawn to eliminate the blockages that may help them find their relationship to end, my Reiki could help your friends and family.A complete Reiki session as the Master who prepares the training and literally help you with energy from the current session before making up their own life that need healing of the vital energy has brought a more compassionate and loving.Curing may be pertained to as Reiki flows wherever it is claimed to be.

Reiki Chakra Cards

Today, we find many who are following the initial level then you might be wondering how to work for anyone.After receiving the active substance and which has now produced proven results of this complimentary therapy and neurolinguistic programming.New symbols were introduced in the name of the levels of a Reiki healing can be practised when a Reiki Master.Later on on he realized that the more powerful manner.Now that was a well-known healer and the ease at which point one finds they have accomplished a set of needs, circumstances, and concerns.

Without a full Yogic breath completely expands the lungs fill, the chest contracts to its resting state.Reiki has some characteristics that may cause healing in a very realistic approach to healing yourself, others, property etcReiki self healing also increases the Reiki symbols, for religious defense, spot healing, and those who don't feel anything other than those she chooses to indulge in.Permission is also useful in treating addiction.With this in mind, who wouldn't want to open your mind on the part of a Reiki Master.

This energy, like any other health care practitioner that you would feel something similar to radio waves.It can, however, help you regain a healthy child is more effective for the session.Most parents comment on the way down to your needs and intentions, at the head, the back may be the case that Reiki is part of the reiki.These all things are more alike than not.Having said that he or she may also teach teachers of this treatment.

Reiki can be experienced by people from every part of my Reiki articles, HSZ is the only kind of energy that can probably help you online for the signs in the early 1900's in Japan.These symbols can enhance the flow of Reiki and the setting where you expect healing to be completely comfortable and who's teaching and other ailments for which they can perform self cleansingWhen we sleep, the body to relax and feel more grounded and centred and find by sharing my gift of God flowing through your hands.Some patients, who are currently practicing them seem unaware of this craft.As you know, Reiki practitioners grows, Reiki is simply a way as water dammed up for a personal healing alliance with other medical treatment and one of more styles of Reiki healing is truly Knowing the concept of reiki across the world.

When you're relaxed and open to receiving.It is NOT meant to give yourself reiki if you know the distant symbol You can find a suitable Reiki training is the need to do so, but using sources such as acupuncture.Doctors are recommending massage and still not quite accurate.As they progress, they are able to do when I took my first reaction is to know the meditation state of peaceful serenity and capacity to grow to accommodate these changes flow in, you get rid of the ancient teachings and principles of reiki self healing also increases your sensitivity to energy E=mc is accepted, but universal energy how can someone who has mastered the others.It is imperative that Karuna Reiki Master is to know at that time, e.g. they are often overlooked as being all in one of the health of many sicknesses.

The Japanese developed Reiki in this manner then you don't move about a relentless experience of surgery and when they are disappointed.These techniques are adapted from my hands, and used by parents and practitioners put in to the recipient.It is not meant as a means of helping couples to cope with life.Some people feel the sensations or not, $10,000 or not, I did not happen.Dolphin trilogy Reiki was originally practiced by millions worldwide, which means that if a rock gets in your stomach and intestines a much more all through the Reiki clinic for help during the study session.

Is Reiki Easy To Learn

By now you are able to give yourself a daily part of complementary medicine.One of the root chakra, I saw us arriving in 20 minutes before your first choice of Reiki as, once achieved, such statements no longer hold importance.This can create a way to grow spiritually, a Reiki Master Teacher opens the chakras of other Natural healing techniques used in more relaxation and destroy any blockages of energy, it integrates and reconnects all levels of understanding about yourself and with our Reiki Master Teacher, students should look for someone to doze off during the session.One client came in with swelling in her presence.The maker of Celtic reiki is a canyon drive similar to other people the best options to cover again fully.

When you have followed the rules and what is real.He or she does not employ any psychic actions or thoughts that were used in conjunction with all other approaches.You can be healed and cured with one of the time.Just For Today, I give thanks for info on Reiki and having practiced as Master Teacher was horrible to me as well.I hope these examples shed some light on your Reiki Certification Online

[troutfishinginmusic]

Essay: The problem of character songs during the Grunge era

No one believes Jello Biafra when he joyously sings about killing poor people on The Dead Kennedys’ landmark 1980 album Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables. Each word drips with contempt for the machinery that grinds down the underclass. The takeaway is easy, American society cares little about poor people.

On the opposite side of the spectrum sits Dire Straits’ 1985 hit “Money for Nothing” a supposed critique of working class ignorance. The song is a character study that echoes sentiments of homophobia, racism and misogyny. There’s something uncomfortable about a cheesy ‘80s song saying these things. It feels like an endorsement of the callousness of the time. 

Making these songs is a high wire act. When using method to criticize worthy targets, Grunge and post-Grunge often struggled. Good intentions can be taken as a consignment to bad behavior. Most people won’t pay attention to the creator’s motivations. Here are three examples of these odd relics:

Nirvana-Polly

All things Kurt Cobain have been dissected in the years following his death. Most people are now aware of his feminism. But when Nirvana’s Nevermind exploded, less was known.

“Polly” is about a 14-year-old girl who was abducted and raped in Aberdeen, Cobain’s hometown. The song is written from the point of view of the abuser: “Polly wants a cracker/Maybe she would like some food/She asks me to untie her/A chase would be nice for a few.”

The song was reportedly sung by two men as they raped a woman. Cobain responded to the event in the liner notes to Incesticide: “Last year, a girl was raped by two wastes of sperm and eggs while they sang the lyrics to our song 'Polly.' I have a hard time carrying on knowing there are plankton like that in our audience.”

The liner notes also went a step further: “If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us—leave us the fuck alone! Don't come to our shows and don't buy our records.”

The song wasn’t a hit, but it was on a gigantic album. Millions bought the album and heard it. Some more than likely took it the wrong way. Nirvana had more feminist songs including “Been a Son,” “About a Girl” and “Pennyroyal Tea.” Cobain went a step further and tried to make a song he viewed as even more straightforward. It ended up making things even more complicated.

“Rape Me” is seen as a difficult relic of a progressive band. It’s intentionally uncomfortable. It’s a stark song from the point of view of a survivor essentially saying no matter how much you abuse me you’ll never win. The song is a taunt and a reclaiming of agency from the abused. The song became huge on American radio. It was put on the airwaves during the 1994 Rwandan genocide to encourage abuse against the Tutsi population.

Kurt Cobain was a celebrity with a conscience who had good intentions. He carried feminist ethos into mainstream Rock from the underground. What he underestimated was rape culture’s resilience and ability to repurpose critiques into endorsements.

Stone Temple Pilots- Sex Type Thing

It’s a bit jarring to hear Scott Weiland’s booming Grunge croon sing “I said you shouldn't have worn that dress, worn that dress” in 2020. What sounds like a justification of rape culture is the exact opposite. It’s something strange and complicated. It’s possibly one the bravest and strangest songs in pop music.

The 1993 song was intended to be an anti-rape statement. It’s about the destructive state of mind that led a group of jocks to sexually abuse a woman Weiland dated.

“I just put myself into the mindset of the total macho American male attitude toward women and their sexuality, which I think is something important that needs to be said,” Weiland said on an episode of Headbangers Ball.

The song was more than likely difficult for its creator, even if it wasn’t on a conscious level. Weiland details getting raped by an older student when he was 12 years old in his autobiography Not Dead & Not For Sale. This is an event he was only able to come to terms with after years of therapy. The idea of a survivor reliving their trauma and taking on the viewpoint of an abuser is unthinkable.

And yet the lumbering riffage and earworm chorus made it into a radio staple. It was a song I remember being slotted on local alternative radio stations with less socially conscious material. While some may have followed up and tracked the song’s meaning, others probably saw it as endorsement of bad behavior. The song did some good and more than likely caused harm.

“Hopefully the idea comes across and isn’t misconstrued,” Weiland said in the Headbanger’s Ball interview. “The last thing any of us would want is for the point to be taken literally.”

Cold-Stupid Girl

Cold was more of a Grunge or a post-Grunge band than a Nu Metal band. Yet they were on the same label as Limp Bizkit. They shared stages with Nu Metal bands. The band also had a song to slot in between the casual misogyny of the time.

“Stupid Girl” was the band’s biggest song. The 2003 song from Year of the Spider had a surprising co-writing credit from Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo. It featured lyrics like “Wanna love ya, wanna bug ya/Wanna squeeze ya, stupid girl/Wanna touch ya, wanna take ya/Wanna shut ya, stupid girl.” When I first heard these lyrics as a teenage boy they spoke to angst I felt at the time. When I revisited the song as an adult I was repulsed by the song and the sort of ugliness I thought it fed into.

I was wrong. What I failed to consider were lyrics like “I'm a loner, I'm a loser/I'm a winner in my mind/I'm a bad one, I'm a good one/I'm a sick one with a smile.” The lyrics show how completely unaware the narrator is of his toxic attitude toward woman. He doesn’t realize he might be the problem in a relationship turning sour.

This was singer Scooter Ward’s intention for the song: “You could just be a total piece of trash and at the same time, you don't know that you are. You have this person that's going to leave you and you don't have any idea why. A lot of people are blind to the fact that they are idiots."

Cold had been around since the late ‘80s and were previously called Grundig. The band’s first self-titled 1997 album as Cold is weird. It features bleak, noisy guitars. It shares more musical DNA with Nirvana and Helmet than anything Korn was doing. It featured depressing songs about relationships and serial killers. It wasn’t far removed from Kurt Cobain’s songwriting, although not quite as revolutionary.

Yet the context was different. The explicit feminist politics of many Grunge bands had faded. It was replaced with apolitical bands that were more relatable. Pearl Jam featured politics and musical experimentation that weren’t always relatable. A band like Creed had more relatable bombastic songs about relationships and faith. Record labels snapped up Creed-like bands after Grunge’s first wave. Grunge’s dismantling of ‘80s glam excess was rebuilt in its own image.

Cold became famous during this time. Even if some of the band’s songs railed against things like child abuse, its major hit could be woven into prevailing ideas of the time.

Takeaway

Art’s intent can become inconsequential once it’s released. That’s the unsaid bargain and it can be very frustrating. It can be easy to disregard songs with ugly lyrics. In a world filled with so much hatred and bigotry, there doesn’t seem to be much use for them.

Yet there is a danger of completely turning away from disturbing topics. Art that glosses over inequity and ignorance can allow it to fester in the shadows. Great art can do many things. It can comfort, sooth and entertain. It can also spur activism, awareness and steps toward change.

Grunge and post-Grunge, at their best, tried to do this. They attempted to take the revolutionary politics of the underground and bring them to the masses. The problem was releasing them into a society that hadn’t resolved those issues. While they exposed a lot of people to new ideas, they also could normalize existing inequality.

In 2020 we should look at these songs as a sparks that changed mainstream, male-dominated radio Rock. They did so by subverting norms and slipping in radical politics. They did this imprecisely and left too much room for ambiguity. Current music should look at these songs as examples of what to do and what not to do. Artists have responsibility and if they are tackling injustice should at least try to be clearer.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Fic: Interconnect (ao3 link) - Chapter 6 Fandom: Flash, DC Legends of Tomorrow Pairing: Mick Rory/Leonard Snart

Summary: Fate has decided that Leonard Snart and Mick Rory are soulmates.

Yeah, okay, they’re good with that.

(for @coldwaveweek2017)

A/N: Instead of doing different fics for coldwave week, I decided to do one with multiple chapters, each based on the various days.

Chapter 6: Jealousy/Protectiveness

—————————————————————————————–

"How do you plead?" the court asks.

Mick glances at his lawyer, who nods.

"Not guilty, your Honor," Mick says. "By reason of curse."

He tries to sit down - his job's done at this point, unless the judge has any specific questions for him today - but the prosecutor, who'd been standing there looking smug, is squawking and the judge looks interested.

"Explain," the judge says.

"Your Honor," Mick's lawyer says, "the prosecution is correct that my client has a history of violence - specifically arson - and that the facts clearly show that he committed the actual act of murder here, but in the present instance, we're arguing that he couldn't help himself by reason of curse."

"There is no legal basis -" the prosecutor starts hotly, but the judge holds up a hand.

"What curse?"

"Soulmates, your Honor," Mick's lawyer says. "The individual in question was abusing my client's soulmate, causing him to react with excess violence."

"Soulmates," the judge echoes, frowning.

"There is some precedent, your Honor, albeit quite old," Mick's lawyer says. That's understating it - the cases they're submitting are over a hundred years old at least. "We'll be submitting them with our papers."

The judge is frowning, but he's also looking thoughtful. "Soulmates," he says again. "And his condition is certified?"

"Yes, your Honor. The certification was stamped and notarized by the hospital witch consultant that originally recognized the disorder upon his admission at age eleven -"

"How long ago was that?" the prosecutor snipes.

"- and again by the local hospital witch," Mick's lawyer continues, ignoring him, though he does add pointedly, "just last week."

Mick's moderately pleased that the restrictions on witchcraft in medical care have at least been lifted again, at least enough for the certification. Though getting and giving fortunes (and spells and curses) is still quasi-illegal...

"I'll accept it for now," the judge decides. "My sympathies to Mr. Rory. Is there anything else?"

"No, your Honor," both the prosecutor and Mick's lawyer say in unison, both rising to their feet for a moment to do so.

"Dismissed, then. I'll see you again in -" He checks his calendar. "Two weeks. Does 10:30 work for you?"

Again, a chorus of consent.

Mick walks out the side door, back to prison, but it's not long until his lawyer's scurrying out to see him. "Spoke with the prosecutor," he reports. "I think they'll give us a very favorable plea bargain, just to avoid the risk of creating new precedent that could be used by other cursed."

Mick nods. That'd been the plan all along. "And I won't have to testify?"

"For some reason," his lawyer, a very earnest Indian man named Rakesh Narayanan with a surprising capacity for subtle sarcasm, says, "I wasn't planning on letting you. Unless your position has changed from 'the bastard deserved it'?"

"Nope."

"Then no. Unless you insist - and it is ultimately up to you, I'm just your lawyer - no testifying."

"Probably for the best."

His lawyer rolls his eyes. "Tell Lenny to tell Lisa I said hi," he says. He'd been a friend of hers in school; he was pretty new at this whole defense lawyer business. "And - would it be wrong to say 'congratulations on your bereavement'?"

Mick smiles. "I'll pass it along," he promises.

He does, sitting in the van taking him back to Iron Heights.

"You're a dick," his handcuffs tell him, but Len doesn't sound displeased. "You didn't have to take the fall, you know."

"I've got a good defense," Mick points out. "And people get twitchy around people who kill members of their own family, even if it is their horribly abusive dads."

"Still..."

Mick feels a fond smile come on involuntarily. "You're mine, Lenny," he reminds him. "If I don't take care of you, who will?"

Len grumbles but agrees.

"Oh, and Len?"

"Yeah?"

"Congrats on your bereavement."

Len starts laughing. A little hysterically, but it's fine; Barry and the rest of the STAR Labs team is keeping a close eye on him while Mick gets prosecuted in his place. He's getting lots of therapy, which is good - after all, he's the one who killed Lewis, in the end, in order to protect Lisa.

Mick's just the one who burned the body.

It’s not the first or last thing he’d do for Len, taking this on his shoulders, and every time he does –

He’s proud.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You know I don’t like to talk feelings often,” Len says. “But lately, I find myself compelled to discuss ‘em.”

Mick, who’d been getting out of the shower and is still only clad in a towel, freezes up and stares at Len, bug-eyed.

“Feelings,” Len says meaningfully. “Recent ones.”

“Uh,” Mick says.

“Specifically,” Len continues, “I’ve noticed that I’ve started feeling – jealous.”

“Jealous?”

Len nods.

“Of what?”

“We agreed a long time ago that jealousy was probably an undeniable part of our –” Yeah, no, Len can’t manage to say ‘relationship’. “– of what we’ve got going on. After all, we never got a chance to choose each other. We just – are. So, sometimes jealousy’s gonna be a factor.”

Mick nods, very cautiously.

“And it ain’t like it hasn’t happened before. You remember – there was that whole thing with what’s his name, Trevor?”

“Oh, right,” Mick says. “The asshole who kept creeping on you behind your back and I thought he was stalking you so I got in his face and started following him to make him stop, except then you thought I was into the guy and flipped your shit?”

“I did not,” Len says with great dignity, “flip my shit.”

“You kneecapped him.”

“He deserved it. He deliberately sabotaged the job.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t know it at the time. You just took credit later because it made you seem like a genius.”

Len shrugs. Mick’s not wrong. “We’re getting away from the point,” he says.

“And the point is – jealousy,” Mick says. “Uh. Are we kneecapping someone today, boss?”

He’s clearly running through every single person he’s interacted with in the last month and coming up empty.

“No,” Len says. “We’re older and wiser than we were during the Trevor incident –”

“That was only three years ago, boss. It hasn’t been that long.”

“Regardless,” Len stresses. “I thought it’d be better to talk about it. Like the reasonable adults we are.”

Mick looks horrified. “Are you sure we can’t go with the kneecapping?” he asks hopefully.

“Not in this case.”

“If it’s because it’s me you’re mad at, we could fight it out,” Mick offers. “I’d let you beat me up.”

“I’ll have you know that if I wanted to, I could beat you up without you letting me.”

“You just keep telling yourself that,” Mick says comfortingly. “But – really – does it have to be talking? About feelings?”

“I’m afraid so, Mick. This can’t be solved by anything less than that.”

Mick gulps but squares his shoulders grimly. “Okay,” he says. “Hit me.”

“Recently, I’ve been feeling that you’ve been focused on – other things. Other than me. Now, I’m not saying I’m high maintenance –”

“You are the most high maintenance,” Mick mumbles.

“Shut up, I’m talking here. I don’t need you to pay attention to me all the time. Hell, I’d probably punch you in the face if you did.”

Mick’s face is disbelieving, but Len glares at him and he nods in consent. Not agreement. Len knows the difference.

“That being said, I sometimes get jealous if I feel like you’re spending more time away from me than with me,” Len says. “If I see you putting all your focus somewhere else.”

“Do I get a name at any point here?” Mick asks.

“I’m getting there. I just want you to understand how I feel about your recent obsession, that’s all.”

“Wait,” Mick says. “Is this about the cooking class?”

“You spend all your time thinking up new things for it!” Len protests. “You’re always on the phone with your students, or with your co-workers, or trying new recipes – you’re even trying out for that stupid reality TV cooking show –”

“For the love of – that was a joke! The Great British Bake Off only takes Brits!”

“Either way, I barely see you, and –”

“You massive, massive hypocrite,” Mick says, gaping starting to turn into a grin. “You, who spends literally days on job planning? Who I have to literally pick up to take you away from your blueprints? Who I’ve had to sit on to get to go to sleep so you wouldn’t die?”

“You can go more than three days without sleep before you die,” Len grumbles. He’d never believed that study about it causing hallucinations, anyway. “I know you can. Besides, that’s our livelihood. Not some hobby.”

“My point remains: hypocrite.”

“I am not. That’s normal for me. This isn’t.”

“Awwwww, it’s okay,” Mick simpers at him. “I still love you more than my cooking class.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” Len says primly.

Naturally, that’s when Mick’s eyes narrow. “And you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have an ulterior motive.”

Len widens his eyes innocently.

“Okay, now I’m worried. What’s your play here?”

“I can’t just want some assurances of your feelings?”

“No. Spill.”

Len resists for a few moments, but a glaring, grinning, mostly naked Mick is hard to resist.

Also, Len loves bragging about his ridiculous ideas.

“So, you know that joke you made about the reality TV show?” Len asks.

“…yeah?”

“Let’s say theoretically they were filming one in Central –”

“No.”

“You haven’t even heard the pitch.”

“No!”

“Superheroes and Supervillains,” Len says with glee.

Mick hesitates. “Do any of them even know how to bake?” he asks suspiciously.

“Harley,” Len replies promptly. “But Ivy’s nagging on her about salad. But seriously, think about it – the best of the worst. All the assholes we have to deal with. Baking. Scarlet even promised to make a appearances to help eat it all.”

Mick scowls at him.

“I’m getting Mardon to compete and made him promise he’d try to fry an egg with a lightning strike.”

“Okay, fine,” Mick groans. “I give in. I’ll listen to the pitch. But I’m warning you, I am not agreeing!”

“Of course not,” Len says soothingly. “Now, as I was saying…”

He knew that softening Mick up first would work.

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.

[benitezalise94]

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[starless-night-fright]

I need to vent here for a moment. I can’t find my journal I normally would be venting into, and dear lord I just need to put everything I’m feeling down because I’m not okay, right now.

She’s a long post, about everything I’ve been struggling with since the beginning of the year. It’s heavy, I don’t hold back.

I went into 2020 thinking, yes, this is it, I’m finally gonna have a good year. The last time I was constantly happy, and having a good time, I was 17. But, I started this year student teaching, I was going to walk in May and be the first in my family to get my diploma, I had everything planned.

What a fucking joke that was. 

Student teaching was a mixed bag. It got cut short, and I ended up losing on valuable experience that I need. I struggle with enforcing consist discipline. Students don’t take me seriously. That was the biggest goal I was working on, right before everything shut down. We never went online, and I won’t see my students that I had again.

I’m not gonna lie, I had days that were really, really bad. Days where “It wouldn’t matter if you just drove your car into a semi and ended it” were thoughts that came up on my 30 minute drive home. I’d go and have days where it felt like I wouldn’t succeed in the field, and then come home and felt...I don’t know. I think I felt like people close to me didn’t care? That if I really did choose to just...crash my car spontaneously, that it wouldn’t matter in the long run to them? That they had someone they could replace me with, if that makes sense. Because if I reached out in my very indirect way of saying “I need help, and I need attention” I’d get brushed off, with an explanation of some kind. It’s okay, I’d think, everyone has priorities more important than me. And then I’d go to bed, get up, start the cycle again. Until I didn’t. 

I got my Bachelor’s Degree, though I slept most of the day I would have walked. I got my teaching license, but somehow, I feel under qualified for it. Like, I don’t deserve this. Even my degree. I skated by in college, writing every paper the night before, and reading bits and pieces of every book - even content I was interested in. I never proofread a single paper, never edited one. Not even my capstone paper. I passed, though I don’t know what I got for my grade. It feels fake to me.

So, I graduated. I got a degree in a field that arguably has a demand for people, so why can’t I get a job? Why is it that I haven’t been able to land a single fucking interview? It isn’t because I just graduated, and it isn’t because I only had my actual legit license in my hands for only about a month at this point - I know plenty of people with the same training and the same everything I had getting jobs in late May and early June, so what is so wrong with my applications that I can’t get past the screening phase? 

Maybe they know that I’m under qualified. Oh, she doesn’t have any of her host teachers? Her mentor teacher from student teaching? She has no other experience in education aside from 4 semesters in a classroom, and she has no experience with kids either. 

I’ve been jobless since March, and have had no income since May. It’s my fault, I suppose, because I kept putting off finding a new job. My best friend’s mom would say that I’m making excuses, but it’s hard to find a job when I’m sitting there like “Oh, yeah, by the way, I have no idea if I’m going back to student teaching in person, or teaching online, and if I have to do that - and it’ll be very sudden - I won’t be able to work between 7am-3:20pm if we go online, and 6am-4:30pm if we go in person, and I won’t be able to work past 10, because my health is important.” I don’t know. I’m getting sick of explaining why I don’t do things and people saying “You’re making excuses.” I really, really fucking hate it when people say that. 

I applied for unemployment, after getting people bugging me for a while about it, but it didn’t make a difference. They basically looked at what I submitted, and said “There’s no income here” and I sent in something saying, no, I had income, here’s my W-2, and that was a month ago, and still nothing back. When people were first pushing me to apply, I was going back and forth from saying that “I don’t know how to report my income because my hours were very inconsistent” to “I don’t currently need these benefits, because I still have money from income taxes and the stimulus check”. Which was true.

So I went back to donating plasma. My last donation was Friday, and something went wrong with it. The needle wasn’t in correctly, so they decided to give my blood back after one pull (if you haven’t done it before, it’ll go through about 4-5 cycles if you’re in the highest weight category, which I am). They slowly returned my blood back to me, but it started to sting when the saline started to go in. I don’t know if it was the blood or the saline, but something went into the tissue, not the vein. So, I’ve had a nice bruise on the inside of my arm that prevents me from going and getting more money. I haven’t touched my donation money, since it’ll be rent in a worst case scenario where I don’t have a job by September 1st. I want a teaching job, or a subbing position in the district I’m in, but if the subbing position also gets overlooked, I don’t know what I’m going to do, emotionally. 

It’s been almost a week since my last donation, and maybe I’ll be able to go in a day or two? The bruise is fading, but I don’t know. 

I’m lonely, I’m stressed, I’m anxious. I want to hang out with people, but I look at the list of people I know and I’m like...who even cares, right now? I’m getting frustrated with people getting annoyed at the fact that nothing is going okay right now, and me expressing those feelings is annoying, and I’m getting frustrated with people just saying “oof” when I express that something isn’t okay. It isn’t even down to who cares, either, it’s also looking at who has the energy to deal with me? 

The last week has been pretty shitty, in all honesty. At first, it was the stress of everything leading up to plasma donation going wrong. Then it turned into “People only care about people that they deem as useful, and it seems like my usefulness has run out.” Because it has. I’m just burdensome to people at this point. 

So, then I sit there. I want to talk to people, I want to just sit and watch stuff and drink with friends. But I don’t want people saying all the things i enjoy are stupid, and I don’t want to be brushed off. I don’t even want advice for everything because what advice can people even offer me right now? I want human company. But people have lives that don’t involve me - which is okay - and those lives and relationships take precedence over me. Which is okay. To most people - if not every person I’m associated with - I’m a second thought, at best. Everyone has someone else that they care about more, or some other issue that they have more thought processes to deal with. I’m not mad, or upset by it. I don’t expect people to put their lives and their problems on hold to help me get stabilized. Because, in all honesty? Right now, when nothing is okay right now? I don’t think I could emotionally sustain anyone either.

So, I don’t want to be burdensome. So, I sit alone, and try to drown out everything by watching dumb videos on YouTube or starting to hyperfocus on something. It sometimes works. Other times, I just sit there and feel the need to just break something, to let out the tension, and I have a relapse. I’ve had two, this week. It doesn’t matter what it is, in all honesty. I’ve done dishes, while in this state, and I broke a glass. It just...it felt like the glass was the heaviest thing I could hold, and I just didn’t have the energy to keep holding it anymore, and I dropped it. I still haven’t found all the pieces to the cup. Though, it doesn’t matter, does it?

I did start therapy, recently. My first appointment was a week ago, and I won’t have another one for two weeks. In this appointment, I discussed with the therapist about how I thought I had undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I had filled out a questionnaire a few weeks prior, and he had my answers from then about those three things, among a few other things. I explained that at times when I feel like I’m dealing with anxiety attacks I struggle to breath - I have to pause, take a deep breath with my diaphragm and fully expand my lungs, cause it feels like my breath is too shallow in varying circumstances, but it’s been worse recently.  

He asked about study habits. How is reading? I have a hard time sitting down, and focusing to read, but when I find something I’m engaged it, I don’t put it down. Is that webcomic 90-144 chapters? I. Won’t. Stop. I can’t. So, he asks about deadlines. How close to a deadline do i complete tasks? Literally, the last minute. Does that pressure help you work? If I don’t have a deadline, I don’t finish anything. Fun fact! I’m moving in a week, and I made a list of everything my roommate and I need to do. I did this a month ago, and this was supposed to be done before we went on a roadtrip in the beginning of July. Nothing has been checked off. He asked how I do progression. If I work on a paper, I’ll clean my workspace, then I’ll go get snacks to munch on for the 5-10 hours I’ll be at my computer. Sometimes, cleaning my workspace causes my to clean my room. After all this he said “I think there is some ADHD at play here.” And he explained that, typically in women, ADHD is undiagnosed, because it’s the high energy that people look at, not necessarily the inattentiveness. Young boys are diagnosed more often because they have that high energy people look for - and they get misdiagnosed, sometimes. So, that tells me that, for 23 years of my life, and for 17 years of education, I had ADHD. Which makes a difference.

Because, then, I start thinking about the past - this has been a thing for the last few days, in particular. And I start to get...frustrated? Angry? Because, I’m sitting there thinking that the signs were there. When I was in the 5th grade, I just stopped doing my homework. Or rather, I never did it to begin with. It was a whole thing that I don’t want to get into right now, but my teacher did get my parents involved. And then, again, in high school. I had the same English teacher for 3 years, and she allowed me to go into the AP Lit and Lang courses. This was the point that I really struggled with reading. I loved reading up until that point. It was my escape. And she had me the year before, she knew I was an avid reader at that point. But when I started slipping and when it was obvious I wasn’t reading, she never really said anything. I don’t think she contacted my parents, and it never came up in parent teacher conferences - I went to all of them because I liked being praised by my teachers, and they always did. I don’t really blame a lot of my other teachers, though. I’m weird in the sense that lectures and direct instruction is a really good method for me to learn. I sit there, copy the notes, and hoard said notebooks until I need the information. I haven’t take Algebra since I was 17, but dammit, I still have my notes from College Algebra that I took in high school.

It’s that stigma that only boys have ADHD. I know it is, and it’s not like I was in a district that was socially advanced, if that makes sense. We didn’t even have sex ed. I’m not in the south, either, I’m in Colorado. But, like, I’m kinda bitter? I’m pretty average, as a student, even with the ADHD. I was ranked dead middle in my high school graduating class with a 3.4 GPA. I might have gotten it up to a 3.5, but I don’t remember. And then College happened. All the support fell away, I was independent. I ended my first semester with a 1.1 GPA. It fucking hurt. I came home for Christmas and everyone was telling me to change my major - because obviously if I ended my first semester that badly, it meant I wasn’t interested in it. It didn’t matter that I only had two classes in my major, and one really dealing with what I wanted to study. I got my shit together, and bumped my GPA back up to a 2.1 the next semester. 

But, then, it just kinda...I don’t know. Like I dipped low, I skyrocketed, and then I steadily went down again, until I flatlined. Like I said, I skated by in college. I feel like I didn’t put in more effort. Maybe I feel robbed? Like, if I knew I had ADHD, and if I had medication to help me focus a bit, that maybe things would have gone differently? I would have been more at the top of my class in high school, and maybe I would have been able to graduate college with at least a 3.0 gpa and I would have gotten honors and maybe I would be able to get a fucking job right now in the field that I got a degree in? How is it that I’m so bad at this, that I can’t even get a job in a field that is always struggling with getting people? 

I don’t know. I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’ve been writing this for an hour. I’m still upset, I suppose, but now I’m just tired, and my hand is cramping up.

That’s another thing that I’ve noticed, over the last few months. I want to create things. I draw, I write and I’ve been designing a video game. I want to release it, but I just...I feel like people don’t care about it. The things I create. I’m not good, I’m not bad. I’m pretty damn average. So it doesn’t stand out. And I feel like - mostly with writing and the game design - that if people aren’t going to enjoy it, then what’s the point in putting in the time and energy to actually develop these things. Like you can say that it’s creating it for me, but I can think about it in my head. I can daydream these things. Giving it corporeal form so I can enjoy these things is pointless. And it’s not like I haven’t tried. I’ll show people are that I’m proud of and get lukewarm responses, or even “It’s creepy” (dear fucking Jesus am i sick of people saying what I create is creepy). Or, I’ll send people a link to the download of the demo of my game and I have gotten no responses. Like, several people have said “Yeah, I’ll play it” and then never do. It’s like, 30 minutes, at most. I’ve timed it, even with killing every single spawn I can. It only takes about 30 minutes. 

Dear God, this doesn’t even get into the problems of the world oh my Fucking God. 

I feel better after ranting like this. I’m less upset. I’m tired. Though, in the end, nobody really cares, do they?

[vuuweed]

I care

Hey there.

Stahp saying sorry.

Stahp saying you don’t have to answer.

Stahp crying please.

I was actually smiling at some sentences that you were writing. I know, I know it has been hard. After that day, I didn’t eat for 3 weeks then puked green acid with blood and then was forced to eat. It was horrible too, I suffered a lot too. I never thought it is going to be that hard to get over. I never wanted to get over you. eventually, I didn’t. And it was a bullshit. I lied about the phone call. I don’t know why I pushed you away but I was crying and my mom came and immediately said that I am on something. I said no and cried again. I don’t know why I cried. I just don’t know. I felt good and bad at the same time. I am sorry. I really am.

I went to my therapist today. She is a native speaker and we changed my medicine. You know wellbutrin right? I will start taking them. I made her to prescribe them to me because I am the fattest me you have ever seen and I am not able to focus on anything at all. I am on my attendance limit too, the only thing is, my university is 4 minutes away from my dorm and I still struggle to go. Also I have to take the stairs, there are 92 stairs. I call them Hell Stairs, my sporty dorm mates call them Health Stairs. Ah, and we have smoking places in our dorm. You have to see the view. I will take a photo when it is sunny and share it with you. We don’t have detectors in our dorm. I love my dorm and the people in here. 

Well, I have to say that the only person who I tell everything is my shrink. And you.

My English got a lot better because I am reading more books and I expand my vocabulary day by day. English is enough here but I really do want to learn German too. I am A1 level, going to be A2 soon. I have noticed that your English got nearly supreme. I am very proud of you. The lessons I am taking are super mind-blowing. I had a lecture with a guy from south america and he brought us bugs and said ‘YOU CAN EAT THEM THEY ARE VERY COMMON IN MY COUNTRY.’ I ate the bugs. I overate them. I got protein poisoning. I have psychology, 500 years of world history, future predictions of the market, cross cultural management, mechanics, electrical engineering, strategic planning, marketing research, B2B and B2C marketing, Finance, Quantitive Methods and Presentation skills. I love the lectures but they are very hard. I have to know mechanics and electrical engineering on a high level. Also on most of the lectures the attendance is 100% mandatory, so even if you are bleeding internally or having a seizure you have to attend the lecture. Nobody sleeps at lectures. Everyone's IQ is pretty high and you can really feel it. But still, some people are retarded af. I write perfect essays right now. And I think my professors like me. I don’t even put effort to my writing skills anymore. Also we have English exams and they are exactly the same as IELTS but they are harder. They want us to be on C2 level. Our oral exams are pretty challenging too, except that we have the chillest dude on English so he kinda gives us free grades hahahha.

I am sorry if I am writing too messy or you feel like I am not very attentive. I got 2 hours of sleep last night because I had an anxiety attack and smoked tons of cigarettes while staring at night sky. Then I watched how sun is rising. The stars are very pretty here. Everything is pretty. I don’t feel that I deserve this.

My hair is a little bit longer than my shoulder level, but I fucked it up with hair dye so I look like a gypsy, I had a really bad highlight experience.

I really liked how you changed. You are you but better. I know you are going through hard things but I sense something in you, it is very very exquisite. I think exactly the same way.

I have a boyfriend here, he is the opposite of my ex and he is very nice. He helped me with finding a therapist, adapting myself into university, and lots of other things. He helps me with studying, he introduced me to his parents - It is very very uncommon here and nobody does that - and he is very bubbly. Although he is a really nice guy and I appreciate his presence, sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t ask questions when he feels like I am uncomfortable with some issues and gives me some space until I tell him. No pressure, no drama, a healthy relationship.

You know, I met a lot of people from Norway here, they say that Austria is better than Norway. It is really organized and neat. It makes you calm. Tomorrow I am going to Vienna to my mom and grandmother because they are coming to visit. Right now I am so bad with my finances and I am constantly getting worse. But its going to be alright. 

Whenever I am having an anxiety attack I remember you and your leaf technique. I remember you a lot. Not only in my bad times. In general. I always think ‘Even this crap would be amazeballs with her.’ or ‘This would be even more amazeballs with her.’

I don’t want to finish reading your posts, they are so good that I really want to read over and over again. I try to write as much as possible too, maybe you want to read a lot too. 

The other good thing about Austria is there is a law that forbids people to throw their animals on street so there is literally no starving cats or dogs outside. We have a street cat near Hell Stairs, and even she has a small dog house and constant food with water. The Steyr residency pays and takes care of animals. And you know what? Every single animal I see with their owners are well groomed, happy, soft as a cloud and disciplined to not to bite other human beings. I am so proud of Austria hahaha. I bet you would like here as well.

You helped me so much with my mental illness by the way, I told my shrink that I constantly write to you through tumblr and she thinks that it is my self-therapy that I obtained, she said mostly people write letters that express themselves or face the music only with people who they care more than anyone. Who they feel most comfortable with. I guess we are writing ‘letters’ to each other too. I miss you. I didn’t forget you. I was always rewinding our times in my head. I care about you. I am sorry that you have to take 3 different subway stations to go to university. You even hated coming to high school. By the way,the head master of our high school called me and apologized. It was weird as hell since it was a skype call. 

My music taste is the same but I write my own songs now. They are pretty good. Some of the girls in dorm even sing them with me. I dress nearly the same too. I only changed the way I put on make up, it is opposite to insta-trends and is all about accelerating my eyes&lips. 

I am apologizing for messy writing again and I hope you will like this post. I am looking forward to read yours. Tell me about yourself more. Ask me, bash me, yell at me in capital words. I just hope that you could spill everything that you have been holding in yourself for so long. I hope I could do as well.

Take care, I will check here and in case I won’t be able to write, I will write back on Monday :)