#went from feeling incredibly anxious to just. disgust.

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

i feel so fucking sick to my stomach.

[oddinary4bts]

Chasing Cars | ch 15.5 (jjk)

☆summary: when your brother goes to study on a semester abroad, your life collides with his best friend Jeon Jungkook, who's coincidentally your roommate. Will you survive the collision, or will you crumble into dust?

☆pairings: brother's best friend!Jungkook x younger sister!female reader

☆rating: 18+ (minors DNI, this chapter contains mature content)

☆genre: forbidden love?au, college!au, slice of life!au, smut, angst (as usual a lot of it), fluff

☆warnings: curses, mentions of jk's unaliving attempt, explicit content: hickeys, fingering, they are so in love and can't stop saying it, unprotected sex, creampie

☆word count: 2.6k

☆a/n: i love them, and my bad if there are any typos this is heavily unedited haha let me know if you see any!

☆series masterpost

☆☆☆☆☆

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

☆☆☆☆☆

Jungkook feels anxious. Ever since Taehyung asked him to meet up to talk, he’s been feeling incredibly anxious, like his heart might explode in his chest. Even worse - he’s afraid he’ll run into you when he gets to the apartment, and after what you said on Thursday, he thinks he might break with no way to heal if he sees you.

He’s scheduled an appointment with his therapist later today. All he can do is hope that it’ll help. And that his conversation with Taehyung will help, too.

Taehyung is in the living room when Jungkook gets home, playing on the Switch. He pauses his game the second Jungkook walks in, and they both stare at each other for a time, an uneasy silence filling the apartment.

Taehyung breaks it first. “Hey.”

Jungkook takes off his shoes but keeps his coat on as he heads towards the living room. “Hey.”

“How have you been?” Taehyung asks.

It’s awkward, and Jungkook hates it. He’s been hating way too much stuff in his life lately.

“Fine,” Jungkook replies. 

He can’t bring himself to return the question, and he sits at the other extremity of the couch, as far away from Taehyung as he possibly can.

“Listen…” Taehyung says when he realizes Jungkook won’t say anything else. “I’m sorry I punched you.” He winces as his eyes go over the bruise and wound Jungkook knows adorn his cheek. “Shit, I actually got you good.”

“You did,” Jungkook coldly replies.

Taehyung eyes his knuckles, which have also turned red and purple from the blow. “I really am sorry for that. I don’t know why I punched you, and I’m a little disgusted with myself that I did.”

“You were mad. It makes sense.”

Taehyung shakes his head no. “It doesn’t make sense. But… man, why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“Because you told me you’d kill me if I did touch her?” Jungkook chuckles bitterly. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“Yet you still went behind my back and fucked her,” Taehyung states, a hint of anger flashing behind the words.

“I didn’t fuck your sister,” Jungkook spits. “It’s never been like that with her.”

Taehyung remains silent for a few seconds and then sighs deeply. “Then how is it?”

His tone is cool, composed, and a lot nicer than Jungkook expected it to be. It calms down the anger that was starting to simmer in his blood better than a cold shower would have.

“Wha - what?” Jungkook lets out.

Taehyung offers him a smile that seems forced, yet Jungkook sees it for what it is - he’s trying to make an effort.

“How is it with Y/n?”

Jungkook gulps, gaze widening. “Huh… well…” he trails off, eyes falling to his hands, where he’s been mindlessly pulling at the calluses he gets from working out. “It’s… great. I know she’s your sister but fuck… she’s amazing.”

“She is,” Taehyung agrees.

“But I fucked everything up in Paris when I kissed Gabrielle.”

The silence that follows is heavy, interrupted by Taehyung’s sigh what feels like an eternity later.

“Were you guys together then?” Taehyung asks.

Jungkook shrugs. “We weren’t together together. But yes we were.” He pauses, and his throat is so dry it feels like sandpaper when he tries to swallow. “We started on Valentine’s Day.”

Taehyung’s nose is scrunched up, much like you sometimes do, when Jungkook looks at him. “That’s… a long time ago.”

“We ended in Paris, though,” Jungkook adds. “Except last Thursday.”

“I thought you and Lisa…” Taehyung trails off.

“It happened once last month,” Jungkook immediately explains, probably far more defensive than necessary. “And Y/n actually caught us together so… I ended things with Lisa right away.”

“I remember Lisa being pissed about it,” Taehyung admits. “But then she said that it was because of another girl, and looking back I was stupid to think it was Gaby.”

Jungkook purses his lips. “I haven’t spoken to Gaby in person since Paris. We only texted a couple of times.”

Including that one time she’d given him shit for not telling you about his promise to her.

“Right…” Taehyung trails off. He sighs, sitting back on the couch, throwing Jungkook a look. “What do you want with my sister?”

Jungkook gulps around a sudden lump in his throat. What does he want with you? He already knows, but can he tell Taehyung? Can he tell your brother that he’s so irreversibly in love with you he thinks he’s been dying since you said it was a lapse of judgment on Thursday?

That he almost died in July after he lost you?

“You want the truth?” Jungkook asks, his heart rate spiking. “I’m in love with her. I just want her to be happy, and of course I wish she’d want to be happy with me, but I don’t think that’ll happen after last Thursday.”

“You’re in love with her?” Taehyung repeats.

Jungkook gulps. “Yes.”

Taehyung nods and, to Jungkook’s surprise, taps Jungkook’s shoulder. “Noted. Come home, Jungkook. You should talk to her.”

Jungkook is stunned silent, and he just stares at Taehyung, just stares at his best friend unblinkingly, not understanding where the conversation went.

“What?”

“Come home,” Taehyung repeats. “I’m not mad at you. I was mostly mad that you both hid it from me for months, but clearly I was wrong.” He pauses, chuckles lightly. “At least that’s what Ari said. She quite literally beat some sense into me.”

So… this is it? The biggest obstacle to you and him… wasn’t even an obstacle?

“She did?”

“Yeah.” Taehyung tilts his head to the side, gaze widening as if he’s reminiscing about what happened with Ariane. “She said that I was a dick for not letting you guys figure your shit out. I think Gaby told her about the two of you.”

That would make sense, considering that the two girls are best friends. 

“Oh,” is all Jungkook manages to say.

Taehyung surveys him for a few seconds, as Jungkook’s world crumbles down around him. It’s like the floor disappeared, and he’s plummeting towards the ground with no parachute to save him.

Taehyung is not opposed to your relationship.

If you want it, Jungkook can be with you.

“So come home,” Taehyung repeats. “Talk to Y/n. Fix shit with her.” Taehyung smiles, and this time it’s fully genuine. “I just want you both to be happy.”

Jungkook nods, and he has to take a deep breath to refrain from crying then and there. “Okay.” He nods again. “Okay, I will talk to her.”

There’s a moment of silence as Taehyung just carefully observes Jungkook. Jungkook wonders, can Taehyung hear the wild beats of his heart at the perspective of talking to you?

“Can I…” Taehyung starts, and then his eyes drop to his hands in his lap. “Can I ask you something?”

Jungkook’s heart seems to come to a full halt in his chest. “Yeah?”

“What happened last summer…” Taehyung trails off. “Is it related to Y/n?”

A bottle of wine crashing on the pavement comes to Jungkook’s mind. But he never told Taehyung - how would he know?

“What do you mean?” Jungkook replies, pulling on his piercings.

“In July.” Taehyung sighs, meeting Jungkook’s gaze for a few seconds. “Lisa told Sera, and she told me and Jimin.”

Jungkook hates it. He hates it so much, hating the vulnerability that it imposes him.

“Ah.” He gulps, and he thinks about you for a moment.

Thinks about the fact that you were the only thing on his mind when he was so close to ending it.

“It was partly caused by losing her, yes,” Jungkook finally answers, and he’s suddenly blinking back tears.

“Fuck, JK…” Taehyung trails off. “You really should have told me about her…”

“I didn’t think you’d be… open-minded,” Jungkook says, shrugging his shoulders. “And she’d already ended things with me then.”

Taehyung nods once, and then sighs again. “Please don’t keep everything to yourself now, okay? I really don’t want you to think you’re alone. And I really don’t want you to ever feel like… that is a solution. So please talk to me, talk to Jimin whenever you need help, okay?”

Jungkook can’t speak around the lump in his throat, so all he does is nod. Taehyung understands - they’re best friends after all.

“I love you, bro,” Taehyung adds. “Please talk to Y/n.”

“I will,” Jungkook answers, his voice choked up with emotion.

All he can hope for is for you to be open to the conversation, whenever it comes. 

*****

For the first time in months, Jungkook feels at peace.

You’re here with him, and for the first time, he knows he won’t have to let go. Maybe that’s why he’s kissing you slowly, softly - you have all of eternity stretched ahead of you. Yet it seems you want more. Your kisses grow deeper, and soon his blood is pulsing at his ears, shooting down to his dick, and Jungkook pushes his tongue in your mouth.

It’s like he’s discovering you for the first time. He marvels at your sight, at your taste, at the way you moan softly against his lips. He swallows your sounds, inhales your inebriating scent, and he climbs on top of you, gently parting your legs with his knee so that he can be as close to you as possible.

He has half a thought that Taehyung is somewhere in the apartment, but the way you wrap your legs around his waist makes him forget everything until there’s just you and him.

He leaves your mouth to find your neck, his tongue darting out to taste you. A second later he’s sucking a hickey on your skin, and you moan softly, hand pulling at his hair.

“Kook,” you breathe out.

He pauses, just content with being close to you. “I love you, peach.”

Your arms wrap tightly around him, and though you have to be aware of his erection pressing against you, you both just stay there for a moment. 

“Love you too, Kook. So, so much.”

It’s the way you say the words. Jungkook immediately feels the need to be inside you, to be surrounded by you, and he kneels between your legs so that he can take off his shirt. You run a hand on his body, awe in your eyes like you, too, can’t believe you made it in the end. He takes a moment to look at you, to take in the way your eyes sparkle with emotion - with love, lust and yearning.

He loves you. And the best part about it is, you love him too.

“Fuck, peach,” he whispers. “You’re so beautiful.”

You sit up, taking off your shirt in one swift motion that reveals so much skin - you weren’t wearing a bra - and Jungkook thinks he’ll go insane. It’s like he forgot what you looked like despite seeing you just a few days ago - it feels like a whole lifetime ago.

You’ve gained muscles over the months apart. You’re leaner, and there’s a strength to your curves that makes Jungkook’s dick twitch in his pants. The tattoo on your ribs is all too attractive too, and Jungkook takes a moment to trace it as you lie back down under his watchful gaze.

The art is beautiful. Delicate, with fine lines that have sunk perfectly in your skin. Jungkook wonders who your artist is, if they’d be able to tattoo something on him too, something to remind him of you. But then you’re whining from lack of attention, and Jungkook leans down, kissing you deeply.

You run your hands on the skin of his back, nails lightly digging in his skin, and when he grunts softly, you whisper, “I’m so happy to be here with you.”

He goes fully insane. Insanely in love, perhaps. He undresses you, kissing every inch of skin revealed, and though he wants to taste you, to eat you out until you come undone on his tongue, his dick is throbbing too painfully for him to ignore it.

You’re glistening, your arousal evident the second his eyes land on you. He still takes a moment to slip two fingers inside of you as he kisses you again, swallowing your soft moans as they come. And when he thinks you’re ready, stretched enough for his dick, Jungkook takes off the rest of his clothes. His dick springs free, already rock hard like it always is with you, and he jerks himself off a couple of times as he watches you, as you watch him through half-lidded eyes.

“Condom?” he asks, though he hopes you’ll say no.

He wants to feel all of you again.

You shake your head no. “Please just fuck me already.”

“Fuck,” he curses, his dick hardening even more. “Fuck, peach, I love you.”

He comes closer, rubbing his tip on you, collecting your juices. It’s so sensitive without a condom, and he has to bite the tip of his tongue so that he doesn’t come right away. It doesn’t help that you’re so wet. That a moment later he’s slipping in, inch after inch, your walls sucking him in. 

It doesn’t help that you moan softly, eyes fluttering shut as your eyebrows bunch together from the pleasure. You’re so hot like this, so sinfully beautiful, and some feral part of him just wants to pound into you, to fuck you until the whole neighbourhood knows that you’re his forever now.

But he tames himself, slowly pulls out before pushing all the way in again. 

“Kook,” you moan, and your hand finds one of his where it’s holding your waist. “Come close.”

You don’t have to ask twice, especially not as he wants you close, too. So he bends down, cages you between his forearms, and then he establishes a slow rhythm. Your hips lift to meet his, your walls tightening around him from the motion, and he knows he’ll come fast.

You’re too tight, too wet, for him to hold on for a long time. So he tells you how much he loves you. Whispers on your lips that he never wants to be separated from you again, that he thinks you’re the reason he’s alive. You confess your love back, tell him that he’s so worthy of your love, that you wouldn’t want anyone other than him. 

You tell him that you’ll love him when you’re old, which makes him laugh against your lips. There’s beauty in the thought, in the knowledge that he does have a lifetime with you.

“You’re…” he trails off, because he has no words to describe how amazing you are, and his dick is stealing most of the blood from his brain.

So he kisses you instead. Kisses you slow, kisses you deep, his motions growing faster until they turn sloppy, and then he pushes all the way in, his dick twitching as he unloads his cum deep inside of you. You hold him tight, pussy pulsating around him, and Jungkook’s high keeps going on and on, your lips muffling his groans and soft moans.

“I love you,” he says again when he starts being able to think once more.

He’ll never get tired of telling you.

“I love you too, Kook,” you whisper.

He’ll never get tired of hearing that, too.

Read chapter fifteen here!

☆☆☆☆☆

he is so in love with her please send help. Let me know what you think of the drabble!

All rights reserved to @/oddinary4bts, 2024. Do not copy, repost or translate.

[forever-rogue]

Hi, I'm too anxious to tell you this off-anon, but the first contact I had with Joel x reader fics was through yours and I just wanted to tell you they're amazing, I can't get enough! So many feelings!!

So I also wanted to ask, if by any chance you're still accepting requests, a Joel x reader fic where reader is incredibly insecure about herself and often questions her worth and perhaps even starts spiralling a bit, and Joel just ends up giving her a "shut up" kiss at some point 🥰🥰 all the fluff and angst, please!

Thank you for boosting me down this rabbit hole, I'm enjoying the ride :D

AN | We always hear about Joel thinking he’s not good enough for Reader, but what if it was the other way around? 🥺 

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Language

Word Count | 2.6k

Masterlist | Joel, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You hated watching how women threw themselves all over Joel. All over your boyfriend. It wasn’t like they didn’t know you were together, they just flat out chose to ignore it. Despite his reassurances that it didn’t mean anything and he paid them no attention, it still managed to get under your skin and had you seeing red. Part of you wished he’d just tell them to leave him alone but, honestly, he probably didn’t even know what was going on. Or if he did, he was good at faking it.

“It’d probably be easier to just go over and tell them off,” Ellie smirked as she appeared at your side, silent and stealthy as ever. Damn her. You waved off her concern and turned back to the beer you were drinking, “if looks could kill, they’d all be dead like ten times over.”

“I’m not…no,” you huffed, face turning warm when you realized you’d been caught, “I just happened to be glaring in that direction.”

“Right,” she didn’t believe you for a second, she knew you better than that. She grabbed your beer and took a sip since you were so distracted but immediately coughed at the bitter taste, “disgusting! How can you even drink this?!”

“That’s what you get for underage drinking,” you teased and she rolled her eyes dramatically, “it’s an acquired taste, Ellie Bean.”

“Whatever you say,” she clearly didn’t believe you as she got onto the stool beside you.

“Listen,” you turned to her and tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible, “I’m, ugh, not feeling great so I’m going to head home. Will you let Joel know if he asks?”

“If?” like he couldn’t have a small heart attack when he saw that you were missing.

“When he asks,” you ruffled her hair affectionately, “I’ll see you guys at home, okay?”

“Okay,” she agreed, although there was a deep frown on her face. She knew you well enough to know that something was up, “you’re alright?”

“I’m alright,” it wasn’t an outright lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either, “promise, kiddo.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

By the time Joel and Ellie came home, not too much later, you were already in bed. You weren't sleeping, but pretended to be when Joel came into the bedroom. 

"Sweetheart?" His voice was soft, a tone that he only adopted for you or Ellie, as he came into the room and took in your bundled form, "you awake?"

You thought about rolling over and saying something but didn't find it within yourself to do so. You felt bad; he hadn't done anything wrong but you were.. having a moment. 

Instead you remained silent while you listened to him undress and get into pajamas before sliding into bed with you. He hesitated for a moment before wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling into his chest. You felt him relax as he pressed a few kisses to your shoulder; this man really was a sucker for you.

You had to stop yourself from audibly sighing at the way it felt to be in his arms. It might just have been your favorite place in the world. 

Now you just had to fight off the odd feeling that was settling into your chest.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

 Joel had noticed that something was off right away. He was good at reading you, which was both a blessing and a curse. After that night, you went on a downward spiral of coming to the conclusion that you weren’t enough for Joel. Not good enough, not anything enough.

You slowly began to pull away from Joel - and Ellie - bit by bit. At first he chalked up to you not feeling well, or just having a moment, but the longer it became and the further you pushed him away, the more concerned he became. He knew that something was wrong, he just needed to find out what. He wanted, desperately, to make it better but you wouldn’t even talk to him enough so he could begin to figure it out. 

But that was the thing about Joel - he was stubborn and persistent. He didn’t give up on the things he loved. 

He’d never give up on you. He’d wait until the end of time if you needed him too. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"I think we should break up," you looked at him with a serious expression but that didn't stop him from almost laughing. You glowered at him and his expression dropped when he realized that you hadn't been joking. You were being…serious.

"Wait, what?" he looked at you dumbfoundedly, like he expected you to start laughing or something, "honey."

"I'm sorry," you shifted your gaze to the floor and focused it on your feet, "but I think this is best for everyone."

"You want to break up?" He repeated, trying to put a finger under your chin in order to get you to look at him. You recoiled from his touch and that was enough to break his heart, "what do you mean? Why are you doing this?"

"Joel," your voice cracked on his name and you tried to look away. At the very least, you didn't want him to see you cry, "I can't…this is just best for everyone."

"No," he shook his head, "I don't think you believe that for a moment. And you're wrong, I know you know that."

"I don't want to be you," you lied, the sound of your harsh words making your own heart break a little. The look on his face did little to help, "I don't want you."

He remained for a few long, tense moments before he crossed his arms over his chest and nodded, "okay."

"Joel…"

"Listen, I love you and if not being together is what you want, I'll respect that," your heart dropped into your stomach; you hadn't really expected him to let you go that easily. You'd hoped for more of a fight…maybe you really were making the right decision after all, "whatever you need to do is fine."

"O-okay," you nodded in agreement, "I'll just get my stuff and go. I-I'm gonna stay with Tommy and Maria for a bit."

"Sure," alright, it was almost infuriating to have him so relaxed, "do you need a hand packing?"

Bastard.

"No," you shook your head, "its alright."

"I guess I'll see you around," you didn't even bother to say anything as you ran up the stairs to pack your little bit of stuff. Joel remained still as he watched you go, shaking his head to himself.

"You're really just going to let her go?" Ellie slicked into the room with a worried expression on her face. Joel scoffed and shook his head, "oh. Do you have a plan?"

"Of course I do," he playfully tapped the side of her cheek, "the women in my life will be the death of me. I'm the one that suggested to Maria to ask her to stay if she said anything about leaving."

"She's been acting off," Ellie frowned as she looked towards the stairs, "ever since that night at the bar."

"I know," he sighed softly, "I have a feeling I know what it is, but I want her to come to her own conclusion."

"Do you think she will?" 

"I think so," he nodded, "and if not, I'll just have to give her a little hand."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You'd been out of the home you'd once shared with Joel and Ellie for about two weeks now. The worst two weeks ever. You missed the two of them like crazy and it seemed like they popped up anywhere you were. Whether it was on purpose or coincidence, it made your heart earn and ache for them.

But you had made your decision and maybe one day you'd move on. You hoped that Joel would find somehow that was actually worthy of him. Even if it killed you inside. 

Joel had hoped that you would have come around by now, but he was keeping an eye on things and maybe planning a little something to speed things up. 

Before he could act on any of his whims and fancies, fate seemed to step in. 

It was movie night within Jackson and you went to offer your mind some distraction. You were hanging with Maria and, despite your best efforts, you found your eye wandering around to look for Ellie or Joel. Old habits die hard.

You found Ellie with a couple of her friends, including the girl she'd confessed was her current crush, and that brought a smile to your face. When you spied Joel, however, your mood soured. 

He was surrounded by a group of women and they were all clearly fawning over him. Gross. You were half invested in your conversation with Maria and a friend of hers but found your eye wandering over to him repeatedly. He became increasingly uncomfortable looking with each passing moment, but when one of the women started putting her hands on him, you couldn't take it anymore. 

You turned around and stomped away from Maria and over to Joel. He wasn't aware of the fact that you were coming over until you were right in front of him and smiling at him sweetly. The women around him parted like the sea as they flared daggers at you. 

"Honey," you leaned up and pressed a big kiss to his cheek. He looked shocked for just a moment before sliding into his role so effortlessly, "its getting late, are you almost ready to go?"

"Y-yeah - yes," he nodded before wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you into him, "I'm ready when you are, darlin'."

"Y'all don't mind if I steal him, right?" You offered up the sweetest, most syrupy smile you could as you glanced around the flock of women that had been surrounding him. They made small sounds but none of them argued with you. They knew better than to cross you.

And it felt so natural to take his hand and lace your fingers through his. Joel naturally took charge as he started to lead you out of the packed building and into the cool autumn air. You walked down in the street in a tense silence before he came to a stop and cleared his throat. 

You stopped too and turned around to face him, wishing you didn't have to have the conversation you knew was coming up.

"So," he said slowly as you exhaled, "that happened. Why?"

"There's nothing much to it," you tried to wave him off but you knew he knew you were lying, "they were surrounding you like a pack of hyenas and you looked uncomfortable. I know that look on your face, Joel. I just…figured I'd spare you."

"Thank you," he whispered softly, "that was it, huh."

"What else do you want me to say?" You threw your hands up in defeat, ready to turn around and run home, "you would have done the same for me."

"Without hesitation," he agreed, "but you…I know better than you think. Tell me that's all and I'll walk away and leave you alone."

But…you couldn't bring yourself to deny him. Opening and closing your mouth a few times, you found it almost impossible to find the right words, "I dunno, Joel. What do you want me to say?"

"The truth," he whispered softly, "I'd like at least that much."

"I was jealous!" You almost shouted at him as you threw up your hands, "I was jealous of those women practically eating you alive with how desperate they were for you!"

"Okay," was all he said but there was a beaming grin growing across his face.

"I hate that they think they can have you," yup. Everything was suddenly bubbling up at once and you didn't care enough to stop it anymore, "you were mine! They don't deserve you, you can do so much better. I-I don't deserve you either. I fucked it all up. And I'm sorry for what I did and said to you but I'm not sorry for what I did back there."

"Sweetheart-"

"I'm sorry for hurting you," big, fat tears had rolled down your cheeks, "but I did what I thought was right. I don't deserve…I'm just me."

"Oh sweet girl," he reached for both of your hands and pulled you closer into his warm frame, "that's what had been about, huh? Silly girl."

"Joel-"

"How could you not think you deserve me?" He asked and you shrugged, sniffling slightly as he wiped away your tears, "you're the only one that will ever get me. If anything, I don't deserve you. Baby, you're it for me. You always have been and always will be."

"Why?" You had a pretty pout on your lips that he was tempted to kiss away, "why me? I'm so plain compared to those women that always throw themselves at you. They're so pretty and I'm not. I can't cook, I'm not handy, and I feel like a liability more than anything! I thought I was doing you a favor."

"Well," he shook his head fondly, "you're wrong on every account. You are the most beautiful, wonderful, and amazing women I have ever met. I don't need anything but you. I love you and only you. And it will always be you."

"Joel," his name sounded like a prayer of relief falling from your lips, "I…are you sure?"

"I've always been sure," he leaned in and pressed a kiss to your forehead, "and I still am. I know what I want you - you to come back home and to have you back in our bed every night, to have our family whole again. But it is up to you."

"Are you really sure? It's not just the moment?"

"Baby-"

"Because what if you-"

And then he took your face in his hands and gently cradled it as he held your gaze. A few moments passed before he pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, gentle kiss. It was soft and barely there but it felt so utterly perfect. When he pulled back, you looked up at him with big, wide eyes. 

“Oh,” you managed to choke out as you look at him, “you’re serious then.”

“Of course,” he said in a no duh voice as he chuckled fondly, “but like I said - whatever you want to do is up to you.”

“I want to come home,” there was no hesitation to your answer and that made his heart constrict with happiness, “and be with you and have our family back together.”

“Yeah?” he brushed your hair out of your face before kissing your forehead. 

 “Yes,” this time you took his face in your hands and kissed him slowly, “I want you. Only and always you.”

Before either of you could say anything else you heard a cheer from down the street - Ellie. She waved at the two of you, a big grin on her face, “about time! Welcome home!”

“What the kid said,” the two of you shared a small laugh, “welcome home, sweetheart.”

[your-mums-nuts]

okok idk if you've heard the spoiler happening where colin is upset with pen and ends up at a brothel?? i've seen it twice now and uh. im really hoping it isn't true. it made sense in the first part when he was still figuring things out, but after? i really don't think they will cause that's not in colin's favor at all, but why would someone say it if it wasn't true??

do you have any other information on it and do you think it's true?? (really hoping you can quell my irrational anxiety about this lol)

thank you!!

Girl dm me about this please cause I wanna hear what you’ve heard.

But in all seriousness- I am incredibly anxious about this too! I got my information about it from a Nicola and Luke interview where they imply something happens in part two that Nicola hated, and then Nicola goes “it’s not like he’s cheating on her..”

And then Luke said something like, “but he’s had to watch her all season..”

My hope is that it’s maybe at a ball and he dances with someone else in front of her after the Whistledown reveal. I would still dislike it because we’ve seen pen look longingly at Colin dancing with others for two seasons already, but it’d be far better if it meant nothing and was pointed, then it being an actual consideration.

If they did decide to do something with the brothel, even him just considering visiting a brothel, I am going to be so incredibly pissed off. I don’t care how upset or betrayed he is- cheating or even just considering cheating is so so disgusting and so unlike Colin.

Also I’m sorry but Whistledown is not that bad. I understand where the anger and feelings of betrayal would come from, but she has reasons. She was young and silly and went about it the wrong way but she at least has reasons for what she’s done.

If Colin were to do anything, however small, even if it was just implied possible cheating, there’s no reasoning there. There’s no ‘I did it for the grand scheme of things’ or ‘I was young and naive’ or even, ‘I felt powerless and overlooked.’

But in happier news (because a lot of this is just me spiralling) I think they’re clever enough not to do that. Bridgerton is kind of the ‘man on his hands and knees for woman he loves’ show, and it’s been extremely praised for embracing the female gaze in romance and sex alike.

.. and If they do go through with any of this, trust that the polin fanfic legends WILL be writing some great canon divergence, so there’s always that.

[thrashkink-coven]

someone asked if I live with my parents, in regards to how I have such a large altar, and how they might feel ab it. I was working on a long post ab it but then it vanished into the stratosphere so idk what that was ab or where it went.

But to answer the question, making an incredibly long story short, I do not live with my parents, I live with my partner and a couple roommates.

Tea time :) ☕️ Hot piping tea time besties!!! 🤩

My mom used to be somewhat accepting of my transition and identity. She helped me in the medical care system and even got me testosterone (although she always seemed a bit iffy). However after she met her current partner that all fell apart. He is extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY Christian and extremely controlling. This man burned my bfs hoodie because it had a sigil on it. He red faced SCREAMED (and I mean SCREAMED) in my face that I was going to hell for being trans, that I was disgusting and that he didn’t want me anywhere near his kids. After which, my ✨mother✨ blamed me for pushing his buttons too much (by being trans) and told me she would no longer support my transition. She told me that she would rather burry me in the ground in the event that I lost my life to suicide than deal with having a trans kid. I will never forget that.

That was during the first lockdown at the height of the pandemic, so I was trapped in that house and it was torture. When I say that man is extremely Christian and conservative, I mean it. He forced me and his kids to watch religious videos every Saturday, which were basically just dudes screaming at you that you’ll go to hell if you sin over stock footage of clouds. He would try to guilt trip me for not wanting to participate. (Not to mention he contributed very heavily to my eating disorder by trying to force us all to be vegan and taking away all of my safe foods, despite cooking steaks for himself every night. If I could use one word to describe that man it would be “Hypocrite”. I was constantly anxious and starving, holy shit I could write an entire book about how terrible living in that house with that man was and how betrayed I felt by my mom for putting me through that)

The last straw for my mom was when I expressed to my gender therapists that I really want and need top surgery. She acted like I was springing it on her out of nowhere despite us having conversations about it since I was 14. She told me that I would not be recovering from that surgery under her roof and that it would upset her partner too much. Soon she started making little comments about how disgusted she was in the changes testosterone was giving me, how my voice was getting deeper and how I was gaining muscle, and I became terrified that she would try to force me to detransition.

For me, the final straw was after me and my mom had an argument about money (she took it from my bank account without asking and got mad when I asked for it back) as punishment she decided that I would start having to pay rent for my room in the house. I told her that I would not be paying to live somewhere where I cannot feel safe being myself or bringing my partner around. She told me to either get over it or pay up.

As soon as I turned 18 I started looking into programs in my school that help young queer people who are facing potential homelessness find housing. My mother never explicitly kicked me out (she’ll still say that to this day) but she made it impossible for me to stay. I do believe that her partner was actively trying to systematically get me and my older brother out of the house so he could further isolate my mom. He was the one that told my mom that I was manipulating her into “letting me be trans” by pretending to be suicidal. Yeah. Seriously. And to be honest, it’s fucked up and sad but I also see my mom as a victim due to some other things I won’t mention here (when I say controlling I mean CONTROLLING) But the abuse she went through does not justify her role as my abuser. As much empathy and understanding I have as to why she acted the way she did, I still don’t accept that behaviour. Constantly hearing about how you’re an abomination and how God will surely destroy you starts to take a toll after a while, especially when you’re not allowed to leave the house.

Through my efforts I landed a job but I still didn’t have enough money for even the smallest bachelor pads.

One night after having an extreme meltdown I just… ran away. I went to my bfs house because I didn’t know where else to go, but I was fully prepared to walk to a homeless shelter. I am so incredibly lucky that he and his mother are amazing and understanding people because they embraced me with open arms. They gave me a place to stay and never pressed me about money. I have never gone back to my mother’s house since. If it wasn’t for them I would not be alive right now. They genuinely saved my life and I am forever grateful to them for that.

After my bf and I finally got our own place after living with his parents for nearly 2 years , my mom decided that time passed is equivalent to an apology, and wanted to rekindle our relationship. However, after she tried to visit my place and was met by my roommates who are also all trans, things didn’t go her way. She kept asking for my dead name and misgendering me. My roommates stood up for me and told her that she should stop misgendering me and have some respect, that they didn’t know anyone by that name, and that it’s not cool for her to still be calling me that.

My mom gave me a very angry phone call, telling me that my friends are disrespectful and that they should know that she’s the only person allowed to disrespect me because she gave birth to me. Unfortunately for her that is not the case.

My response to that was this:

and her response was this:

So it was what it was. She tried to withhold my phone plan from me as punishment because it was the only thing left that I relied on her for anymore. I said fuck it, got a new phone plan and continued on with my life.

I’ve tried to have conversations with her to reach an understanding hundreds of times in the past, countless letters and one sided conversations, she was never interested. It is what it is. We haven’t really spoken since then and I’m content with that. Believe me, I have said all I could possibly say.

In terms of my paganism, my whole family subscribed to a certain genre of black conservative Christianity that sees all indigenous forms of spirituality as evil. I don’t know how much they know about my craft but I know they hate it, and that’s fine. My mom hates my dark art and wanted me to use my ✨talents✨ to make Christian art. The only person in my family who even somewhat understands me is my older brother and we have a good relationship. I am no longer concerned with trying to please people who don’t see me as a person. Those who are real will stick around, and those who won’t, wont.

I know that they probably think I’m lost and broken and using demons to fill the void, and they can think that. One thing I want to make incredibly clear is that I do not harbour resentment towards the Christian God, Christianity or Jesus Christ for the terrible actions of his followers. I came to peace with and forgave him long ago. I love him. My being a Luciferian is not revenge against my mom or God. That God has always been there for me and supported me for who I am through all of this, and he still does.

Since I was a child I’ve always been told that I don’t know who I am, that I can’t think or speak for myself, and since I was a child I have always remained 10 toes down on who I am. They won’t believe that I’m really trans until the day I die, they won’t believe that I lived a beautiful and fulfilling life as a devotee of Lucifer because they cannot fathom that I know and love myself. Oh well, they say success is the best revenge.

I love my family and I always will, but for their comfort and my safety I keep my distance from them. I’m pretty damn sure they wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me anyways with all their paranoia about the devil.

Funnily enough Lucifer has been excellent bigot repellent for me. He’s always protecting me from people who would hate me anyways. If my paganism is such an abomination that it prevents my past abusers from hurting me more, then that’s a bonus in my eyes. Stay the fuck away from me if it bothers you so much, we don’t have enough in common to have a productive conversation anyways. If ever my mother came to me honestly and sought true redemption, I would certainly forgive her, I don’t enjoy being estranged. But that would take effort and care on her part, and that simply does not seem to be her biggest priority right now, it never was and I never was. It izz what it izz 🤷‍♂️

So yeah, tldr, I definitely don’t live with my parents lol.

[raysoleil]

・゜゜•Commitment・゜゜・

"Tesoro" spoke Terzo softly and tiredly as he rose from the bed after a wild night with his favorite ghoul, Omega.

The day was bright and the sun came in from the window, Terzo had forgotten to close the curtains the night before, he sighed and got up, walking over to his closet and scrambling through it trying to find his suit, all while Omega was just getting up and stretching, yawning as he looked around and his eyes locked on the papa for a moment.

"I'm gonna go to practice with the ghouls." He said with a dry tone, it didn't take long for Terzo to respond

"Oh tesoro don't leave so soon, must you practice?" Sometimes the man felt like he was pathetic, needing the ghoul's company but it was true, he wanted to be held by him, to be loved and cherished by him but Omega didn't seem to want to reciprocate, and whenever he didn't feel like he needed company he was out.

"I'm not planning to stay here." spoke up the ghoul, yet again making Terzo feel like he was talking to a wall because of how dry the ghoul was.

Oh but how the papa loved him, he wasn't always like this, the ghoul could be loving! Or that was how Terzo saw the half hearted acts Omega would do just to make him stay close him and it surely was frustrating. Terzo continued to look at Omega for a moment to then look back at his nightstand, taking in the hour on the clock and sighing, he had to hurry up to be on time "Tesoro, won't you bid me goodbye?" Said Terzo as he looked at Omega with a soft gaze.

The ghoul didn't seem to be interested but he figured he'd have to do it if he didn't want Terzo to be upset.

Omega got up and went over to Terzo, giving him a short and soft kiss, when he pulled away Omega felt Terzo try to keep the kiss going until eventually giving up when Omega straightened up.

Terzo looked at Omega for a few seconds to then twist his lips up into a small smile, he turned on his heel and went over to the door, looking back at Omega and winking just before closing the door.

"... Ugh" The ghoul couldn't help himself but make a sound of disgust, he had been trying not to upset the man in hopes of saving all the drama but it usually didn't last long... At all.

The ministry was almost entirely silent and the only sound that could be heard came from the practice room where Omega resided, the ghoul could be a loner every now and then and would prefer to have a break from the world and his problems... And by problems he meant the increasing dread he felt, he didn't want to catch feelings for Terzo, at least not a full on "I'm in love" mindset, a crush was fine, Omega didn't care, but he couldn't let himself fall in love, he increasingly grew uneasy and worried about this ordeal, Terzo was nice, Omega knew that, but he also had his downs, it was difficult for the ghoul not to sigh every time he thought about what he should do. The ghoul spoke up with a sigh and an annoyed groan "What a mess"

Meanwhile the papa Omega was stressing over was getting ready for a ritual later in the day, putting on his famous suit and painting his face, the school becoming clearer as he painted in the black parts, he stared onto the mirror, looking at his face and hair, making sure to look perfect for the ritual and for a possible visit from his favorite ghoul.

A knock was heard on the door and when Terzo opened the door he saw Cardinal Copia, Terzo spoke up, looking at the cardinal with a raised brow "Do you need anything fratellino?" Terzo's tone was neutral, he didn't care much for the cardinal, he was a skittish and anxious man whose sole purpose was becoming the next papa.

The man spoke up softly with slight nervousness invading his tone "The ritual might be slightly delayed due to an incident related to a ghoul summoning..."

Terzo narrowed his eyes momentarily to then groan and sigh, looking at the cardinal with a frown. The cardinal began fidgeting with his fingers, now incredibly nervous. "I understand this may be a little bit uh... Annoying papa.. but it's imperator's orders..." The cardinal looked at the ground for a second, uncomfortable, he looked back up again to speak but was interrupted by Terzo "yes, yes understood, no need to explain more, Imperator chooses what to do" Terzo's tone wasn't exactly polite, he sounded annoyed of course, he had been waiting for this ritual all week and now it had to be delayed till satan knows when.

Meanwhile the quintessence ghoul, Omega, was with the other ghouls, discussing the incident.

The ghoul summoned had been through too much pressure while the ritual happened and therefore died after being summoned, Alpha and Omega were the ones more focused on the situation, talking about how to prevent this from happening to other ghouls, Imperator then came inside the room, staring at the ghouls with a neutral expression.

"The ritual shall begin in a few minutes, get ready, no being late, you know how your papa gets" Imperator grumbled and left the room, not letting the ghouls respond to her order.

By the time everyone was on stage it had already been 15 minutes past the originally planned time, Terzo was upset, he hated being late to rituals, he had been complaining during the entire preparation of the show.

Omega on the other hand couldn't give less of a fuck, he took his time and calmly put his instrument into shape, tuning it and putting it on his shoulders.

"Argh... Who does imperator think she is eh? There was no need to do this" spoke the papa to the quintessence ghoul, Omega looked at Terzo and frowned "a ghoul died, did you expect everyone to let it's body rot on the ground just so we'd be on time?" The ghoul growled as he spoke, feeling the lack of awareness about how terrible Terzo's statement sounded "Eh? What?! I never said such thing" responded the papa with an offended tone, how could he possibly say such a thing? Is what he thought.

What a bad start for a Ritual.

End of part one.

GEEZ TOOK ME LONG ENOUGH AM I RIGHT?!

I'm sorry it's this short, I've been having some trouble writing and with my mental health! But I swear I'll try to get part 2 done as soon as possible.

Please give this love guys

[bluejaybytes]

I’m curious why you found Inside Out 2 insulting? I recognize that everyone is different, but as someone with an anxiety disorder I personally found it pretty relatable

Throughout my teenage years, when my anxiety was at its most debilitating and my coping skills were basically nonexistent, I was repeatedly met with the idea that "every teen is a bit anxious". This, to an extent, is true, being a teenager IS scary and you're probably going to have some level of anxiety. However, I had an active anxiety disorder. I was prone to frequent panic attacks, skipping school because I couldn't even fathom the idea of going to class out of just sheer intense dread and fear, and all around just having an extremely bad time. I went into the movie with an already decently negative expectation because of that, I didn't like how anxiety was shown to show up ONLY when Riley became a teenager, BUT I was willing to set aside my own distaste of it for the sake of like, I do get why they went the direction of adding new emotions as characters, as much as I disagree with that.

However I found it wildly insulting because I feel the level of intense anxiety Riley is shown to have breaches what I'd consider a "normal" level of anxiety and instead feels more like an anxiety disorder, which, again, it angers me to be once again met with the idea that you only get anxious once you're a teenager, or when signs of much higher levels of anxiety than just normal nervousness are brushed aside with that excuse.

Barring that issue, though that is the biggest in my opinion, basically at every corner I was annoyed by something. This movie felt like it could've been incredibly relatable to me, I was a horrendously anxious teen (Still am anxious just not a teen and also I'm better at coping now) in competitive highschool sports (Yes marching band IS a sport I DO die on this hill), but like... it just continually let me down. The coach is genuinely an asshole, doing things like not showing what the expectations are and then proceeding to single out who she knows are the newcomers as breaking rules that had not been properly established, failing to recognize Riley clearly struggling mentally, and honestly, the biggest sin, fucking letting her in the sport at all. Riley's outburst at the other players should've gotten her taken out of the running entirely, I refuse to believe otherwise.

Which, this is kind of all over the place because I'm not really writing this as a full proper breakdown and more just "Jay angrily rambles to an anon with no direction", but hey, SUPER don't like that Riley's over-practicing isn't really called out at all as being harmful. The ROOT of it is, we know she's only doing that because anxiety is driving her to do that, but like... she performs really well. She's met by the older student (I forget her name, God) with positivity for this, and I'm personally just kind of uncomfortable with how her overworking herself is viewed as just like... neutral. And it's only the fact it's stemming from anxiety that's bad.

There's a lot more (I found the pacing bad, I think, ESPECIALLY given that this is a childrens movie, Riley should've been given EXPLICIT help from the people around her barring just "her friends say they're still friends", I think things like anxiety driving her to look at the notebook yet NOT considering the janitor walking by is just... stupid, and in my experience, not at all how anxiety manifests, ect, ect), but ultimately this is not like, a serious breakdown, more just me listing off the top of my head the things that really fucking annoyed me. Also, Ennui was a stupid character. I mean all of the new emotions were fucking stupid because they're all VERY derivative of OTHER emotions if you've made the commitment that the entire range of human emotion be boiled down to just joy/sadness/anger/fear/disgust, but whatever.

I thought the video game guy was funny though. I'm a sucker for those kinds of jokes. I like that his hair routinely was clipping through his outfit

[littleruinedprince]

One of my least favorite things about being a grown up is how other adults just stop making an effort to be nice to you.

One of the most soul crushing experiences I've ever had was going to the ER for a painful medical emergency and watching my nurse treat a little boy with an incredible degree of care and tenderness, only for her to then treat me with blatant disgust and cruelty. Don't get me wrong, I think children deserve all of the kindness the world has to offer, and I also don't expect strangers to baby me in any capacity, but it was horrifying how quickly she went from being kind and engaged to rude and indifferent. She literally refused to speak to me at all, roughly grabbing my body without stopping to explain what she was going to do next. She wouldn't even grace me with a simple "hello."

Most people, if they have any heart at all, will put in the work to be nice to children. Of course, I had pretty much nothing but terrible nurses and doctors as a child, but so many medical professionals go above and beyond to make sure their young patients feel safe and comfortable. Well, all of that goes out the window the second you turn 18! Suddenly you're treated like an unwanted nuisance, like all of your problems are solely your fault. You're expected to just get over it if you're scared or anxious, or if whatever torturous proceedure your doctor orders will cause you great pain. Like, I'm sorry, I guess my pain receptors missed the memo that they were supposed to shut off after I reached the legal age of majority!

And it's not just visits to the doctor, it's literally every aspect of life. People are less willing to accommodate you if you're disabled. Family members stop putting in effort for birthdays and holidays, and aren't as supportive when you need them the most. If you're poor and can barely afford to eat, people will tell you that hardship builds character and that you just need to work harder. Everyone is just generally less friendly and more willing to accept your suffering as just a fact of life. I didn't stop needing help when I grew up. I never stopped wanting the care and attention I never recieved. My disabilities never stopped affecting me, in fact, they worsened because I was forced to work in unbearable conditions just to survive.

This is not me saying that bio-kids don't deserve extra special treatment, because they definitely do! I'm not even saying that adults should be treated exactly the same way as children. However, I think that adults deserve grace and kindness too, especially in situations where they're defenseless and vulnerable. People need to understand that while it can be emotionally taxing to be considerate of everyone they meet, it's ultimately very important to show people of all ages tenderness and compassion. Everyone is special.

You never know who might really need a kind word at the doctor's office, or a special birthday.

[c4p7ch4]

One-shot: Basta (Inkheart) x OC (Zera)

I've got no excuse for this except I was bored

Warnings: english is not my first language, also: might be out of character, it's late and I can't think straight; also also: fluff and vulnerability (that shit hurts)

"I feel terrible"

"Well, you look terrible, too." Zera said jokingly to Basta, who had just woken up from his feverish slumber. But Basta was in no mood to joke around.

He caught a cold two weeks ago that got pretty bad due to his poor immune system, and he's been bedridden for five days now. The symptoms slowly subsided, but since Basta hardly slept the entire time he was sick, he was incredibly exhausted.

Especially the last two days he could hardly rest, his thoughts were constantly circling around that night and he was unimaginably nervous whenever Zera was around. Neither of them spoke about the kiss, Zera didn't know that Basta was wide awake when she fulfilled his birthday wish and Basta didn't dare to bring it up.

"Come on, stop whinig around and sit up. Breakfast's ready." Zera said and put down a tray with bread and eggs on Basta's lap. When Zera left for the kitchen and came back with a cup of hot coffee, he still hadn't touched any of the food.

"Why aren't you eating?" asked Zera, confused. Basta didn't look up as he mumbled: "I'm not hungry." even though his stomach was gurgling with emptiness, as if it wanted to digest itself.

He didn't feel like eating. He felt awful, not only because he was hungry and tired and sore from lying around in bed so much without getting any rest, but also because he felt dirty. He couldn't remember the last time he had taken a proper bath and he hasn't been able to shave in the last few days, so his face was covered in stubble. He felt disgusting. And ashamed, especially because Zera had to see him like this.

"Of course you're hungry, you've barely eaten anything in two days. Your body's just sending you mixed signals because you're exhausted. I could fetch you something else, if you don't feel like eggs-"

"I said I'm not hungry!" Basta snapped at her and threw the tray off his lap, sending the plate of food flying onto the floor. He regretted his outburst immidiately and finally looked up to meet Zeras eyes, expecting an anxious or maybe even furious expression on her face. But instead, she looked neutral, almost indifferent. She looked Basta straight in the eyes and stared at him, he felt more and more uneasy until he realized that she was contemplating.

After what felt like an eternity, she said, "You should shave. And you should go outside, you didn't have any fresh air since you got here.". Then she took the chair which was standing next to Basta's bed and left for the bathroom. Basta heard her rummaging around at the sink but didn't know what to do, so he just stayed seated on his bed, staring at the mess he created, cursing at himself. He clawed at the blanket beneath him, he wanted to kick himself, angry as he was. His rising fury fizzled out when Zera stepped out of the bathroom, standing in front of Basta, startling him.

"'Think you can walk?"

Basta nodded puzzled and got up without asking any questions. Zera led him to the bathroom and gestured him to sit down at the chair she put in front of the sink. Basta couldn't surpress the brief look of shock when he saw himself in the mirror. He really did look terrible.

"You know, it could be worse," Zera started when she caught Basta's look, "you could look like Cockerell."

Basta huffed at that, but he had to smile at the joke. Then he went solemn again "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

Zera turned away to get the materials she prepared. "No I'm not. I'm not that nice."

She came back with a make-shift shaving set. There wasn't any shaving cream, but she managed to mix something up out of the soap she had at hand. She put a towel over Bastas' shoulders, startling him with the sudden movement, and placed the shaving set on the sink. Basta hadn't yet processed what was happening when Zera came to stand between his legs, leaning against the sink, soap in one hand, Bastas' chin in the other, spreading the soap on his face.

His face felt rough beneath her fingers, but it wasn't unpleasant. In fact, she almost enjoyed tracing the sharp edges of his face. The enjoyment faded when she noticed Bastas wide eyed look, like a deer staring at the headlights of a car, not knowing wether they meant danger or not. There was something else to his gaze she couldn't name. She stopped her movements and stepped aside to make room for Basta to shave himself.

He took the blade with a shaking hand. At first she thought he was shaking out of nervousness, then she realized it was probably because of his weak condition. She stopped his hand and took the knife from him before it touched his cheek.

"Wait, let me do it." she said, shaking her head.

But Basta recoiled from the knife, first anxious, then furious.

"The hell you are doing! You really think I'd let you get that close to my neck with a knife?" he shouted at her, standing up to make himself bigger. He couldn't let her realize how weak he really was. Unfortunately, Zera wasn't intimidated by Basta, especially not when he looked like a rabid dog, with all the foam on his face. She would have laughed at the sight if she hadn't been ireful herself.

"And you really think I'd kill you or watch as you kill yourself, shaky as you are? You know damn well that Capricorn will have me killed if his second in command dies on my watch! Either you let me help you or you can go back to bed." Zera shot back, arms crossed.

Basta stared her down angrily, but he knew she'd stand her ground no matter what, and he didn't feel like fightning, right know he wasn't strong enough for that. Exasperated he yielded, sitting down, arms crossed, tilting his head away from her. Zera came to stand between his legs again and he squirmed, when she took ahold of his face. His breath quickened along with his heartbeat and he had to fight the urge to draw away.

"Relax, I'll be careful." Zera whispered and began to draw the blade gently across his face.

Basta hated to admit it, but he found pleasure in her caresses. Of course he couldn't let her know that.

He hated how weak she made him at times, and if she knew, she'd use it to her advantage, undoubtly. That is, if she didn't know already. She had to know, why else would she be so caring towards him? She's manipulating you already, idiot! On the other hand, she was caring towards everyone. That's something he hated and admired about her. She was tough and fierce, but also caring and attentive, even to those that did her harm. Even to those stupid brats, that were intentionally clumsy just to have an excuse to come see her and be babied by her. Even to him. Of course she takes care of you, that's her job! She's got no other choice! Yet... her ministrations still felt good to Basta, even if they were forced.

He struggled to keep a stern expression, but secretly he was in heaven. His hard stance gave way for a second as the gentle touches made his body tired and his head heavy, so he leaned into her touch. Zera surpressed a soft giggle and used her hold on his face to tilt his head the other way and shave the other side of his face.

She felt that this form of self-care was good for him, despite his stiffness and tough demeanor, and that he desperately needed it. She didn't take it personally that he lashed out at her. Apart from the fact that he was very temperemental in general, he was also very weary at the moment, which made his fight or flight instincts kick in early on. He was on constant survival mode, that's something she noticed about him early on. She supposed that's bound to happen when you live in a hostile environment such as Capricorns community, and as far as she could tell, no one had Basta's back. He was cross with everyone, most likely even with himself. That drains a person, isolation and loneliness, and even though he would never admit it: he longed for company. That's probably the only thing both of them shared.

Basta's cheeks and mouth area were shaved smooth, now only his neck was left.

"Tilt your head backwards" Zera said as she cleaned the blade.

Basta blinked rapidly, as if waking up from a dream and taking in his surrounding again. He eyed Zera for a moment before he did as she bid. Zera took hold of his shoulder and shaved his neck. She saw him swallow hard, he brought his hands down to his legs and clawed into his trousers. It must have been really hard for him to be in such a vulnerable position. Zera decided to try to lighten up the mood.

"Have you heard what happened to Scipio yesterday? He and some other boys did some arm wrestling and he managed to break his arm. I didn't even think that was possible, but yet here we are. Sometimes I wonder how some of them made it this far down the road. They seem like the kind of people who would cut off their ears to find out if they could still hear when they did."

It made Zera smile to hear a low chuckle from him.

"And the other day Amario wanted to give a flower to one of the kitchen maids, but he picked something poisonous, both his hands were red and swollen and then somehow he got it in his eyes too, he looked like a blown up tomato."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The mood did lighten up a little and soon Zera was finished with the shave. Basta dried his face with the towel and looked into the mirror with satisfaction.

"There, all nice and smooth." Zera commented, leaning against his shoulder, content with her work, "I kind of miss it, a little stubble suits you." Zera gestured Basta to leave the bathroom and started cleaning up. Her last comment upset him a little and he almost regretted letting her shave him, but he felt better than before none the less. He stood in the doorway for a moment and looked back, contemplating what to say. He rarely ever thanked people, but he felt this was the right time to do so. Still, he couldn't bring the words out, he just stood there, mouth open but no words coming out.

Zera beat him to it and said "You're welcome. And now clean up the mess you made outside."

[benetnvsch]

what happened?

BIG TW: csa + sa mentions if that’s bothering pls don’t read - gonna censor names cause I don’t want this to be searched but can dm if it fucks up screen readers

Basically A Certain Group of people are being really strange abt that l Day I Picked up D@zai image where 0da is restraining him and I mean rlly fucking strange like… like making up rape headcanons , talking abt how easy it would be for 0da to take advantage of d@zai, and marveling at the size difference (no shit, thats a child,,,), etc. all sort of Dark things

But reluctantly I have to say that’s the internet for you. Normally I just ignore these ppl. Block the accounts posting them and their followers/interactions whatever and move on. Most ppl in the fandom don’t interact with this subset of bsd twt who are into this rlly dark stuff either.

However, one person’s tweet of the image with the caption that they better not see ppl being weird about it went viral and ofc, these ppl found it and instantly starts qrt’ing it with their explicit csa/rape hcs again much to the main fandom’s disgust.

And so yesterday, someone posted in response that they wished all 0dazai shippers dropped dead. The person posting this was a minor and instantly got dog piled by 0dazai shippers and got very concerning replies from ppl (adult pr0ship accounts) threatening to touch them, saying that all 14 years olds should be raped, calling them slurs, etc. and other really fucking gross / inappropriate things to say to a child

I don’t condone death threats at all but there’s no world where that type of reply is appropriate to anyone, let alone a minor. (That said too, on twt I see death threats left and right, they’re used so lightly there- doesn’t make it right but the meaning is far less serious due to how saturated it is imo)

Naturally this all fucking exploded and a whole bunch of huge bsd twt accounts have recently come out condemning the situations and pr0shippers/0dazai shippers in general including one person in the fandom who many ppl on twt largely consider the sweetest person in the fandom. I follow some of these bigger accounts and a lot of my mutuals have been talking abt it too so even though I have the ship blocked, I still see a lot of screenshots of some of the darker stuff said abt both the ship and against the minor who condemned the shippers

Overall though this whole situation is incredibly triggering to me personally as a csa victim so I may be stepping back from twt for a bit cause it just makes me rlly anxious aaa -

(May delete this too eventually but wanted to get it out there cause I feel bad for vagueposting for nothing)

[kierancampire]

Even though this is my fourth time doing this, I only remember from looking at my memories. Once again a short reminder, I started this in 2020 cause it was such a shit year, and this year's have been difficult over all, that I needed to remind myself that good can still happen and I need to focus on that at least as much as the bad

In no particular order:

At the start of the year the girls both got spayed, and although both had complications, they both healed well and it went fine in the end! It was such a nice peace of mind having them done to stop all the issues! And they did love on me hard after the spays!

I won the Ombudsman case, a process that had taken almost 2 years and took everything from me, but winning the case was such a huge achievement. Swan still haven't sent me my apology, or dealt with the roof/mould, but at least I won the case, showed they are awful people, and got partially compensated for the heavy toll this all took on my mental and physical health

With that compensation obviously I got the PS5 which was a great treat for everything! It is such a lovely console and I am having so much fun with it! Then I also got my two tattoos, which the cat one I originally designed in 2017 so getting that done finally was a huge thing, plus the Winnie the Pooh one means a lot to me and I really do love how both came out thanks to Peyton

This year we finally did my living room, and while the rest of my flat needs doing, it's so nice to just have one room sorted and how I planned, I still constantly look at it and smile, it's nice to stay in here and imagine I actually like my home

Due to the Ombudsman, I finally got a new front door which has improved things drastically, sound and air no longer pour through a warped door. Then I also got a new bathroom essentially! I got a new shower, a new toilet that is no longer caked in mould, and a sink that I can actually clean and is no longer perpetually disgusting! It also got painted for me so it is no longer that god awful electric blue!

This is the year I finally got all my ornaments back, something that was unexpectedly painful and bittersweet. But it's so nice having them all back, especially my Baron Von Humbert Gikkingen music box! I love that one!

Then this also is the year I *FINALLY* started the autism process, after trying and failing for years, I am finally on the waiting list to get an autism diagnosis!

There potentially is more, but these were the things off the top of my head. Honestly, this year was hard again too with making this list, outside of the Ombudsman I had no huge victories, I met no friends, partially in purpose this ignores a lot of bad, also, seeing all the UC stuff and how I tick all the boxes for it being taken from me, I am terrified of 2024 and the coming years, I literally get so anxious I feel sick whenever I think of it, I am so incredibly scared. But I guess this is why this is so important, even through suffering in the year and fear of the future, good still happened and I need to remember that good, no matter how big or small that good is, as that's what keeps you going. If I remember anything else I'll edit it on later, but yeah, I just wanted to do this while I remembered

[noctis-tempore]

psppsps tell me more about Hakuja, gojo n shoko's dymanics :333 also how did they react to what happened to Geto? what's their thoughts on itadori?

I WENT CRAZY. ERMMM I WROTE A LOT FORGIVE ME. MORE UTC

Hakuja and Shoko’s friendship first started off as two quiet kids who got paired up for a mission. Shoko was pretty curious about Hakuja since they are pretty well known in the school. So Shoko started to talk to Hakuja throughout the mission, a lot more than anyone ever has in their life. It was a genuine kind of moment for Hakuja since everyone who had approached them before were just people who were amazed by what they could do, but not who or what they are if that makes sense. Hakuja had felt disconnected with people because of it. So for Shoko to just ask simple questions to get to know them better, it was a huge moment of anxiety but relief. They weren’t used to that kind of new treatment, but they knew they were happy.

And they started to talk more often. It was like a draw in for the both of them. Hakuja was over the moon about having an actual friend and Shoko was happy to be their friend. They started to pair up for things like duo missions, hanging out after school if Hakuja was available, grabbing food together, and more. It was like this blossom of new beginnings, the turning point in Hakuja’s life where they didn’t feel like they had to put up a front anymore. 

As for Hakuja and Gojo, they’ve both talked before Hakuja had grown close to Shoko. In a way, they were kind of rivals? Not in terms of strength but in intelligence. It was more childish one sided rivalry on Gojo’s end 😭 Hakuja took it light heartedly of course and both of them never really saw each other as competition but more of equals in a way because they understood how the other felt. The loneliness you get from being put on a pedestal at a young age. The disconnect from your humanity being robbed of you because of what you’re capable of. 

You know the kind of dynamic a popular kid has with a quiet kid? It was like that but not in the weird condescending “pet” like way, but in the way of popular kid and quiet kid having a funny dynamic. When Shoko grew closer to Hakuja, Hakuja started naturally hanging around Shoko more often who was with Geto and Gojo. Gojo and Hakuja continued their silly little rivalry as it became more common for them to try and one up each other ! It wasn’t until Geto leaving did their friendship take a more serious turn. Gojo asked Hakuja a question if he was more than just the strongest during a late night walk. It was the first time Hakuja had spoken so much. And it was the first time where both of them were able to let their guard down around each other fully.

Hakuja’s first reaction to Geto actually leaving and becoming this wanted criminal, they weren’t completely caught off guard 😭 They had a feeling something was off with Geto, like they could a sort of resentment vibe whenever he talked with non sorcerers but they didn’t expect him to actually go this far. Nonetheless, they were incredibly anxious. They were worried FOR Geto but they were also worried on what he would do to others. They were completely conflicted and torn apart. They wanted to smack the ever loving fuck out of him but also themselves because they felt like they should’ve asked Geto more about how he felt. And maybe. Just maybe. Geto would’ve had SOME chance at staying with everyone at Jujutsu Tech. But they knew better than that. He knew Geto was going to break away from them no matter what they did.

HIS FIRST INITIAL THOUGHT ABT ITADORI WAS JUST “Damn. That kid is crazy.” 😭 not in the ‘what the fuck is wrong with you (disgusted)’ way, it was ‘what the fuck is wrong with you (interested)’ kind of way BABHSNSNNWNS They were so curious about him and when they met him, he left a really good impression on them! IM NOT EXACTLY SURE ON HOW THEY WOULD MEET YET BUT I KNOW THAT HAKUJA THINKS HIGHLY OF ITADORI AND SEES HIM AS A NEPHEW AS WELL

[morlock-holmes]

The thing I was trying to get across with that Jordan Peterson post from years back that is going around again is that part of his appeal is in rooting his advice in a set of principles. Cleaning your room because it expresses a principle that you feel strongly and want to express to the world really, genuinely, truly feels nicer than doing it because an authority figure will yell at you if you don't.

One of the big problems with the left-wing culture of the last decade (And arguably further back) is that it has this incredibly disorienting schizo attitude about how or whether the principles you're supposed to adhere to rigorously should actually have any effect on your day to day decisions.

You can tell how mad I am about it because I've been complaining for like half a decade or something.

But my big break with the left really came from a handful of personal experiences such as a friend posting on facebook, just out of their own personal frustration, "Reminder: It's NEVER okay to sexualize a woman because of what she is wearing" and then, in an unrelated conversation a couple weeks later about my dating anxieties say, "I mean, this sort of thing doesn't have to be so complicated, you just see an attractive person and go up and start talking to them"

This really seems to be confined to certain left-wing circles. Like, if your evangelical preacher gives a sermon about Harry Potter being a tool of the devil and then you go tell your friends and parents, "Well, I've been trying to be real careful about what I read because I know so much of it has unchristian messages" it seems like, for the most part, they understand why you're doing that and where you got the idea. Even the blatant hypocrites nod their head and say, "Yeah, it's like the preacher said, we need to be careful about what we read."

My experience of the left was that people would spend years saying things like "It's NEVER okay to sexualize a woman because of what she's wearing" and then, when I finally said, "I'm really worried about accidentally inappropriately sexualizing the women around me" they went, "Really? Why? That's crazy, how'd you ever get so anxious about it? I mean, have you talked to a therapist? I don't know why you're taking this so seriously. It literally never occurred to me that anybody could worry about that."

And then next week they say, "I can't believe men still think that any girl out in public is sexually available, it's disgusting."

There's a sort of simultaneous intense interest AND complete disinterest in personal behavior in those left-wing circles which is incredibly disorienting, it leaves you aching for something more straightforward, for someone who will actually articulate a set of assumptions and explain how they play out in practice instead of this bizarre, "There's our principles, which live over here, and our day to day actions, which live over there, and then in between a set of unspoken assumptions mediating between the two that we will never ever articulate."

[bl00dgutsgl0ry]

Just a Little Reminder

Pairing - Xiao x Fem!Reader

Warnings - 18+ NSFW SMUT DO NOT INTERACT IF YOU ARE A MINOR, blood mentions, degradation, VERY SLIGHT dollification (like I mean it’s mentioned maybe ONCE), spitting, face fucking, this is just some nasty** sex man.

Word Count - 2.2k

Other Comments - It’s been so long since I wrote a good smut fic so this was nice and refreshing to write. It’s a break from all the angst you guys have been requesting for some ungodly reason. Anyway hehe enjoy you freaky weirdos.

      Xiao’s day could not get any worse. Something happened overnight that caused the gods to curse his day. Nothing was going correctly. He didn’t know why he felt so restless, maybe because he hasn’t seen you in a couple of months. Being an Adeptus had some drawbacks, one of them being that they could never leave Liyue. That didn’t exactly work well with your carefree spirit dragging you all over Teyvat, rightfully earning the title of a Traveler. That meant you left his side for an unknown amount of time, you always came back of course but you leaving never got any easier on Xiao. He was protective of you, and you not being in Liyue where he could secretly keep an eye on you made him anxious. The feeling of anxiety was not something new to Xiao, but it was different from the anxiety he had experience with. He was never anxious over a mortal's safety and well being. It almost made him unnerved how much you had already subconsciously changed in him.

      Xiao never really had much need to venture out of Wangshu Inn, so when he did he always wanted to immediately relax on the balcony at the top of the inn he resided in. Some days Verr Goldet would bring him some freshly made almond tofu, when he gratefully accepted once the young woman made it back downstairs. As he was staring out past the railing, he saw a familiar silhouette approaching the inn. Something sparked in him when he saw the way you limped up the stairs of the ground floor towards the elevator. Within seconds, before you could step onto the elevator Xiao grabbed you suddenly jumping back up to the top of the balcony. You squealed quietly, your arms quickly finding their way around Xiao’s slender neck, absentmindedly remembering to avoid the large spikes coming off of one of his shoulders.

      Before you could even think, you felt your back land on the soft bed the two of you shared at night. Sure Xiao never really slept much but the sentiment was nice. It also worked for these little moments. Xiao’s sharp canines poked the side of your throat causing a soft gasp to escape your lips.

      “Xiao- Hey wait… I just got here.” Your voice a little bit above a whisper as you bashfully looked at the man hovering above of you. 

      “When you were leaving for this little expedition, you promised me you would return uninjured. Are you really that stupid that you would break such a promise to me? I guess I have to remind you what happens when you make me upset (y/n).” The way Xiao’s voice rumbled low in his chest made warmth bloom in your chest, as everything slowly began to get warmer. Your face was beat red as you felt Xiao’s callused hand grab your cheeks and push your face to the side; giving himself better access to your throat. You once again felt Xiao’s sharp canines graze your throat, alongside his long tongue lapping at the delicate skin. Suddenly a sharp pain shot from your neck as he bit down, immediately licking your blood away, pleasure beginning to  bloom from the mark. 

    Xiao slowly slid down your body, undoing your shoes and tossing them away. After that was done he rose back up, roughly undoing your skirt and pulling it off before once again throwing it away somewhere, much of the same work was done on your top and before you knew it you were left in nothing but your undergarments; while Xiao was fully clothed. Your cheeks got even redder as you felt a little embarrassed, trying to cover your face with your arms. Xiao’s hand shot to grab both of your wrists and slam them onto the bed above your head, a loud growl coming from him.

     “Don’t you even dare try and hide your face from me. You are going to face your punishment head on. Oh and don’t even think about making any noise lest you want an even worse punishment.” His sharp gaze softened for a moment, eyes silently making sure you actually wanted to do this. When you gave him a quick small nod his eyes immediately snapped back to the cold harsh glare he wore mere moments before. He began attacking your neck and collarbones with harsh hickies and sore bites. Your breath began to hitch in your throat, as you tried to hold back whimpers of pleasure.

     Agonizingly slowly Xiao made his way down your body, leaving bruises and bloody bite marks all the way down. You were shaking from the pure ecstasy coursing through your veins. Xiao ripped your panties with his teeth exposing your most vulnerable spot. The cold air that hits your hot wet lips, causing a shiver to wrack its way through your body, your clit pulsing with excitement. You looked down to see Xiao’s piercing auburn eyes staring back into yours, head so close to your core.

     “Don’t you dare cum tonight you filthy whore.” Was all that left his his lips, before his head was shoved between your thighs, his long tongue diving deep into your dripping cunt. Your hand flew to your mouth as you tried to hold back loud moans. You were so desperate and needy from not seeing Xiao for so long. Xiao lifted your legs above his shoulders, hooking both of his arms around your thighs, his hands roughly kneading at the soft flesh; his tongue getting deeper from the new position. Soft muffled moans were beginning to fall from your covered mouth, your free hand trying desperately not to grab at his head, instead gripping the sheeting as tightly as possible. The noises coming from the man below you were obscene, loud slurps and laps being amplified by the otherwise silent room.

     Your nerves were on fire, the familiar coil in your stomach beginning to tighten. Despite tightly covering your mouth, your moans were as clear as day. Xiao pulled away from your pussy, lips shining from the slick of your arousal. His hand quickly gripped your wrist and ripped it away from your mouth.

     “Stop embarrassing yourself by trying to muffle your moans. If your gonna sound so much like a whore you might as well let it be known that your my whore to all of Liyue.” With that Xiao went back to attack your clit with his tongue, occasionally fucking it in and out of your cunt. Loud moans began falling out of your mouth, almost shocking yourself with how loud you were, and how you couldn’t care less about who heard you; you were flooded with euphoria and oxytocin. Your moans spurred Xiao on as his pace on your clit was relentless, not only that but he had unwound one of his arms and inserted a couple of fingers into you.

     You were getting finger fucked and eaten out at the same time, your breathing was beginning to get incredibly labored as your moans rose in pitch and volume. Your free thigh began to tremble against your lover's head as you got closer and closer to the edge; trying desperately to hold yourself back from cumming. Xiao felt the familiar flutter of your walls as you got closer and closer to cumming, and he suddenly pulled them out of you as he halted all actions. You whimpered loudly, thighs shaking desperately yearning for release.

     “Xiao please… please Xiao please let me cum… I’m sorry I broke the promise I won't do it again please Xiao.” Your voice was already wrecked and you sounded pitiful as you saw a smirk pull on your lovers lips. He was fucking laughing.

     “You are fucking disgusting you know? You are so desperate for me you are making yourself look stupid. You aren’t cumming yet. Now shut up and be my useless little fuck toy hm?” You opened your mouth to beg again, but Xiao shut you up by spitting in your mouth and closing it with his hand; forcing you to swallow. That action shot right down to your clit, and you needed him inside you now.

     You opened your leg wide open, hoping that would incentivize him to get on with it already. He knew what you were trying to do and rolled his eyes before standing up and beginning to disrobe. Your eyes were glued to him as his toned pale chest shone with a soft gleam of sweat. Then he began taking his pants off, letting the now loose waistband fall to the ground. Your mouth was basically watering from how horny you were.

     Xiao tightly gripped you thighs and pulled you towards the edge of the bed, which caused you to think he was finally going to fuck you; much to your surprise though he straddled your head as he looked down at you expectantly. Xiao’s cock was just one of those that you could only describe as pretty. It was long yet a little slender, and he kept himself well groomed.

     You eagerly took his dick in your mouth, trying your best to fit him all the way in; reminding yourself to keep breathing through your nose. Then Xiao started moving, harshly shoving his dick deep into your throat, your nose pressed against his body. Before you could get your bearings of you now deep throating Xiao, he just as harshly pulled out them thrusted back in; beginning to ruthlessly face fuck you. You were desperately trying to maintain your breathing but you just couldn’t with how hard Xiao was fucking into your mouth, so you tried your best to hold your breath and hollow your cheeks; trying and failing to suppress your gags. Xiao loved the choking and gagging sounds you made, his animalistic movements becoming erratic and uneven.

     He quickly pulled out of your mouth and fell back to the side of you before he came, not wanting to cum just yet. You coughed as you took in loud gulps of air, before attempting to even your breathing out. Xiao maneuvered your body and flipped you onto your stomach, hand coming down to rub your ass. You felt Xiao line up the tip of his dick to your entrance. You whimpered and wiggled your hips, and suddenly felt that same hand that was just gingerly rubbing your ass, come down and smack hard against it. You yelped and gasped at the sudden pain and pleasure that shot through you. Then while you were still in shock he shoved himself deep inside of you, ripping a pornstar-esque moan from your throat. Xiao groaned low in his chest, struggling to see straight from how tight you were.

     “You’re so fucking tight (y/n) relax you slut.” Despite his words, Xiao was pistoning in and out of you at an ungodly speed, your moans unabashedly flowing throughout the inn. Loud grunts could be heard coming from behind you as Xiao kept fucking your brains out. You were so blissed out, eyes rolled into the back of your head, and tongue lolling out of your mouth. Your mind was so clouded, as tears fell from your eyes. There was some twisted part of Xiao that relished in seeing you cry, you just looked so pretty and wrecked. He knew you were gone when all that would come from you were calls of his names and incoherent babbling.

     Both of you were reaching your limits, and you were reaching them fast. Blaring white hot pleasure filled yours and Xiao’s senses, overwhelming the both of you as you came. You wall clamping around Xiao forcing a loud snarl to come from behind you felt a final sharp bite on the back of your shoulder.

     Xiao stayed in you, rocking his hips lightly; gently letting the both of you ride out the rest of your highs. After that he pulls out before walking into the bathroom and running a rag under some warm water and cleaning himself off. He grabs another clean rag to dampen and come back over to your crumpled form, your mind still foggy and completely blissed out. Xiao gently cleans you up and tucks you into bed, before grabbing a glass of water for you and setting it on your side table. He then slinks into bed next to you and pulls you close to him. He’ll take a look at your “injuries” in the morning.

[eliemo]

Heart of Ice

Summary: Virgil quickly realizes the light sides had some kind of unspoken rule about touch. Which would be fine, if it didn't just apply to him.

TWs: Brief panic attack, touch starvation and mentions of its affects, self esteem issues, angst with a happy ending

Taglist:  @the-blue-recluse @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess (let me know if you want to be added)

Virgil got it. Really, he did.

He was the villain for a long time, an unwanted nuisance everyone hated, and understandably so. He would never hold any hostility against them, not when he knew he deserved it.

Now...maybe he wasn’t a villain. Still a nuisance for sure, but a tolerated one. He’d been getting closer with the other sides, Patton’s smiles more frequent and genuine, Logan taking a real interest in what he had to say, and Roman’s annoyance quickly turning to fond affection.

So maybe they were friends. Or they were getting there at least. Virgil knew he cared about them more than they would ever care about him, but that was ok. He wasn’t outright despised and that was more than he’d ever dreamed of.

Sure, their affection could just be to keep him from ducking out again since they’d found out how easily he could ruin Thomas by leaving, but...but he hoped it was more than that.

It was a mix of conflicting emotions and desires, Virgil never quite able to understand if anything was genuine or not.

But they didn’t hate him. That was the important thing. It would be selfish to want anything more when he was so utterly unlikable, right?

He needed to get over himself. It didn’t matter.

It shouldn’t be bothering him this much. It was completely understandable that they didn’t want to touch him.

But did they have to act like he was some kind of disease?

They were all touchy feely people. Roman and Patton hugged countless times a day, and even Logan would absentmindedly clap their shoulders or squeeze their hands in passing.  

Virgil watched them lean up against each other, lace their fingers together, pat each other's back in greeting and praise. It all came so naturally to them, clearly some kind of unspoken language in their little family.

And Virgil wanted that. He wanted it so badly it hurt. His chest squeezed whenever he saw Patton squeeze Logan’s hand, the loneliness crushing when Roman would pick Patton up in a crushing but safe hug.

Virgil...couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been touched. He’d grazed a shoulder in passing once or twice over the years, and he and Princey had accidentally held hands for half a second during a video, but other than that he came up blank.

And he’d definitely never had a hug. He knew that for sure. No one had offered one because...because why would they? Who would want to hug Virgil?

It was amazing enough that they were willing to be in the same room with him. All three of them were trying so hard to be friendly in the last few weeks since he’d told them his name and...it was incredible. It was like a dream.

But it was so unbearably obvious how careful they were not to touch him. Like he was something disgusting to be avoided. Like he would burn them, taint them beyond repair.

They would swerve out of his way when passing through a room to avoid brushing his shoulder, quickly pull their hands away if their fingers were about to brush his, carefully leaving as much empty space as possible if sitting beside him on the couch.

It went on for weeks, and it didn’t stop. No one commented on it, or bothered to avoid physical affection in front of him, and Virgil decided the best course of action was to try and ignore it.

If he brought it up, it would just turn into something awkward, and nothing would change. He’d rather just avoid the subject completely.

Virgil could handle that. He could ignore the ache in his chest and push down the thoughts of how desperately he just wanted a hug.

Everyone at least had the decency not to make it a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal.

Until...until it kind of was.

It had been a stressful few days for all of them, but obviously Virgil was taking the brunt of Thomas’s anxiety. They all knew that, and he appreciated how attentive and gentle they’d been with him lately.

Thomas was waiting on an important phone call, a confirmation that would give him a green light on his latest project they’d all been working non-stop on.

Virgil didn’t know the specific details of what they were waiting for, he’d lost himself to his panic immediately after hearing the words “important phone call” but he knew it was a yes or no answer, and that Thomas was incredibly anxious about it.

He and Patton were waiting in the mindscape’s kitchen, mugs of untouched hot chocolate sitting in front of them, Patton idly chatting to keep Virgil distracted.

And then Roman and Logan were suddenly rising up- the Prince with a dazzling grin on his face and Logan with a relieved sort of smile.

“He said yes!” Roman announced, and just like Virgil’s shoulders sagged, all the tension seeping out of his muscles. Thank god.

There were still more things to worry about now that the new project was actually underway. They would have to work out a new schedule, make sure they had enough time to perfect their scripts, and then of course there was the problem of nobody liking the finished product--

But that could wait. Right now...it was just nice to see everyone so happy.

Patton was already jumping up to give Roman a hug, reaching over to squeeze Logan’s hand, and Virgil quickly turned away before the ache in his chest, the feeling that longed for something similar could turn into the cold throbbing pain he occasionally grew familiar with.

He grabbed the mugs of now cooling hot chocolate to distract himself, smiling to himself as he tried to focus on the relief instead of the sorrow, and carried them over to the counter.

He set the mugs down, turned back around, and suddenly Patton was in front of him, pulling Virgil into the first hug he’d ever received in his life.

Virgil couldn’t breathe.

Patton was warm up against him, solid and comforting, arms wrapped around Virgil’s back like the softest thing in the world, and for just a second, for the first time, everything was perfect. Everything was ok, and the ache in his chest was gone.

It lasted less than two seconds, and suddenly Patton was pulling away like he’d actually been burned.

“I--”

Patton stopped whatever he’d been about to say, staring warily at a completely frozen, speechless Virgil. The warmth had seeped out of his body almost immediately, the ache returning with a vengeance, the want for touch even worse than before.

Logan and Roman were staring, eyes going from Patton to Virgil, tense and panicked like they were expecting some kind of violent reaction.

God, was touching him really that bad?

“I’m sorry,” Patton said quickly, glancing back at the others before turning back to Virgil, who quickly averted his gaze. “Sorry, Virge I wasn’t...I wasn’t thinking. I just got excited.”

“Right,” Virgil said, glad that at least his voice didn’t betray how it felt like his heart was crumbling. “I get it.”

“Virgil,” Patton said softly, and Virgil’s heart sank when he took a step back, putting even more space in between them. “I didn’t mean to, kiddo, I...it won’t happen again.”

Of course it wouldn’t. Virgil shouldn’t expect it to. They didn’t even want to brush shoulders with him, so why the hell would anyone ever hug him voluntarily?

“I know,” he said, already moving towards the doorway, grimacing when the others stepped away to give him extra space. He couldn’t help but feel a little bitter at how obvious all of it was. Come on, it wasn’t like he was infected. “It’s whatever.”

He stalked out of the kitchen, for the first time allowing himself to feel angry over this whole stupid thing. After weeks of tirelessly working to be better, after being accepted in every other way, they still wouldn’t…

He’d thought he was getting better. They’d called him family.

“Virgil?” Logan called, but Virgil ignored him, really not in the mood for any half-hearted excuses or lectures on why he should just be happy with what he got.

It was selfish to ask for more. He was greedy and awful and he would never really be one of them. He should know that by now and stop filling his head with fantasies that they might actually love him as much as they loved each other.

Virgil didn’t bother looking back to see if any of them looked even a little bit guilty. He pulled up his hood, hurried up the stairs, and locked himself in his room. It was probably where they wanted him, anyway.

Virgil collapsed at the end of his bed, head in his hands, well aware it probably looked like he was throwing a tantrum. They all probably hated him even more now.

But...but could they really blame him for being frustrated? Yeah, he didn’t expect them to be entirely comfortable around him, definitely not as physical as they were with each other, but he was really trying.

They didn’t need to make him feel like some walking virus.

Well. He’d gotten a hug, at least. His first and last real hug. He thought he might do anything to have that feeling again.

But no one wanted to hug Anxiety. Patton had said so himself- never again.

When Virgil allowed himself to be coaxed out of his room for dinner a few hours later, he noted with some sense of relief that the others seemed determined to pretend the incident in the kitchen never happened.

Good. While it didn’t undo how humiliated and disgusting he felt, the sooner they all forgot about it the sooner Virgil could continue ignoring how badly it hurt.

He shouldn't be upset. He needed to calm down and get over himself before he started causing issues.

He did, however, wonder if it was just his imagination that Roman’s chair seemed farther away from him today.

“So...movie night tonight, right?” Patton asked suddenly, voice chipper as he set down his fork. “I think we could all use some relaxation.”

“A splendid idea!” Roman exclaimed, and Virgil managed not to flinch at the volume of his voice. “You’ll be joining us right, Marilyn Morose?”

Virgil startled when the attention suddenly turned to him, suspicion and hope waging war at the soft encouragement in Prince’s voice.

Was this...a guilt thing?

“I- I mean I guess,” he said. “Maybe. If you like, want me to.”

He’d always known they did movie nights at least once a week, all cuddled up together on the couch, but Virgil had never actually been invited to one until he revealed his name. He’d attended a couple of them now, and they were...nice. Even if he always ended up on the armchair.

“Of course we do!” Patton said. “We always do. You’re our family, kiddo!”

Well, they certainly had a funny way of showing that.

Virgil quickly backtracked, pushing away his own dark thoughts. That wasn’t fair to them. Aside from the lack of any physical touch, they had welcomed him almost completely. In every other way, he was treated like one of them.

Besides, he’d clearly done something to warrant the unspoken no-touching rule. It wasn’t their fault he was too stupid to figure out what it was.

“You are a large part of the reason Thomas succeeded today,” Logan added, and Virgil felt a bit breathless at the praise. “You stayed vigilant and cautious, and made sure there were no mistakes. I’m very grateful for your assistance.”

Virgil ducked his head, surprised when glancing at the other two showed only kind smiles and honest appreciation in their eyes. They were...actually being serious. He’d done something right.

“It...it wasn’t...I was just--”

“Doing your job,” Logan finished for him. “And doing it quite well, I might add. As you usually do.”

It wasn’t anywhere near as intense as the feeling Patton’s hug had brought, but...but it was close, warmth spreading over his chest. Virgil let himself relax, and offered a small smile in return.

“Ok,” he said, because he still was absolutely useless when it came to voicing his thoughts. “Thanks. Uh, you...you too.”

He might have missed it if he wasn’t always so attentive to people’s body language (sometimes overly so), but Logan’s hand was suddenly moving forward like he was going to pat Virgil on the arm.

It never made contact, of course. Logan caught himself in less than a second, the logical side sitting up ramrod straight and quickly pulling his hand back to his lap.

He offered an apologetic smile, Patton and Roman quickly clearing their throats and turning back to their dinner plates, and Virgil was forcibly reminded where he stood.

He’d done what he was supposed to do, keeping Thomas safe and helping him reach his goals, but that didn’t just magically change things.

Right. No touching. But he could survive off nothing but words of validation and verbal affirmation. That was just as good.

Except…

Except between the accidental hug and the rush of anticipation that came with Logan almost putting a hand over his own, Virgil had never felt the longing for any type of physical touch so strongly in his entire life.

He’d gotten used to having nothing, to being alone, just periodic glimpses of the warmth he would always be left out of. He’d adapted to it, learned to live with the cold ache in his chest, and moved on.

And now...

Now it kind of felt like he was dying. Like the cold loneliness was wrapping around him, all powerful and suffocating, his breaths coming faster and faster--

Patton stood to begin clearing the table, and Virgil was moving before he even really processed what he was doing.

“I got it,” he said. He was trembling slightly, and he was almost positive they could all hear it in his voice. “I can do the dishes. I’ll do them.”

It was a stupid, stupid thought that had crept into his brain, but right now- as desperate as it was- it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart completely.

Patton blinked, tilting his head like a confused puppy. “I- well thank you, kiddo but that’s ok, I think I--”

“I can do it,” he insisted. “You can- You can go relax, I- I got it.”

That was what he needed to do, right? He couldn’t be left feeling this empty and cold all the time. He would never give up what he had with the others but being this close to them all the time had awoken something in him. Nobody ever touched him and he couldn’t keep going like this.

He’d done well today. He’d been good and Logan had almost, almost set aside whatever personal bias they all had to touch him. It had been so close.

So obviously...obviously he wasn’t good enough. Not quite. He was still just horrible enough that no one could bring themselves to close the distance between them.

But that was ok. He could do better. He could be better. And if that didn’t work, then...well, then verbal praise was the next best thing, right?

Unfortunately, he must look even worse than he felt because Roman was suddenly reaching for Virgil’s plate, pulling it out of his reach.

For a second, Virgil thought about reaching for it under the small flare of hope that their fingers might brush.

“I don’t believe that is the wisest idea,” Logan said. “You’re clearly agitated and distressed. I recommend you wait on the couch while we clean up tonight.”

Virgil shook his head, though logically he knew the dirty dishes would end up slipping right through his shaking fingers if he tried to clean up right now.

But he couldn’t take the thought of just sitting on the couch, a useless hindrance they would only grow to despise more and more.

“I- I want to help--”

“Virgil,” Logan said. “Ever since you began regularly eating meals with us, there have been exactly three times you have not helped with the clean up. Two of those were because Thomas summoned you, and the other was due to your fatigue after a recent panic attack.”

“But I--”

“You have had a long day,” the logical side continued. “You’re exhausted, and you need to sit down before you end up hurting yourself. Nobody is going to be angry if you take a break today, Virgil. Please accompany me to the living room.”

And Virgil knew there was no way to argue with any of that. Not when Roman and Patton were nodding encouragingly. Not when Logan was motioning for him to follow and he thought maybe, maybe he would put his hand on Virgil’s shoulder to guide him into the living room.

He didn’t.

They both ended up on the couch, Logan counting out familiar breathing exercises to keep Virgil from hyperventilating. He did his best to focus on calming down, eyes cast stubbornly down to the ground.

There was a good couple inches of space between them, enough that Logan wouldn’t accidentally bump into him if he moved his arm too fast. Of course.

“I assume what happened earlier today has made you jumpy,” Logan said after a few moments. “I assure you, Patton really is sorry. Hugging you was never his intention, sometimes the others can just get...over excited when it comes to physical affection. Patton can’t always control himself.”

Virgil bit his lip, forcibly biting back tears that threatened to rise because this was really not helping. He understood that no one ever planned on hugging him, he didn’t need it shoved in his face all the time.

“Yeah,” he muttered. “I know.”

Despite everything, Virgil had actually managed to calm down a bit by the time the others joined them for movie night, Roman plopping down on the other side of Logan, Patton shuffling around to find the remote and set down popcorn bowls.

Virgil knew trying to leave would only invite more worried frowns and gentle questions he didn’t know how to answer (besides, he didn’t particularly like the thought of being all alone up in his room right now), so he just took a shaky breath and willed himself to stay calm, shoving everything aside for the moment.

And then Patton moved to sit down with the others, and visibly hesitated at the end of the couch.

There was plenty of room for one more person. It wouldn’t even be particularly cramped, not with the way Roman was already invading most of Logan’s space.

But, of course, it was just enclosed enough that it ran the risk of Patton’s leg brushing Virgil’s when he sat down.

Virgil stood up before Patton even had the chance to open his mouth and stalked over to the empty armchair, not bothering to hide his irritation. He might not blame them for it, but that didn’t mean he had to act happy about being so repulsive to everyone. 

“Aw, you don’t have to do that kiddo,” Patton said. “You can stay on the couch, I don’t mind.”

“It’s whatever,” he said, and it was like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water over his head, the sudden distance separating Virgil from everyone else making him shudder, and his reply came out a lot more curt than he’d meant it to. “This is where you want me, right?”

Patton had lowered himself next to Logan and was peering at Virgil curiously, worried smile dropping to a slight frown. “You can sit wherever you want, kiddo. You know that.”

Virgil couldn’t stop the scoff that escaped. “Right. Just as long as it’s somewhere you won’t accidentally hug me again, right?”

The room was plunged into an uneasy silence. Great. He’d managed to make movie night awkward and the television hadn’t even been turned on yet.

“Kiddo, I--”

“It’s fine,” he said quickly, guilt coiling in his gut. “It’s...sorry. I didn’t- I know you didn’t mean to. Just...long day.”

“We’ve all had a long day,” Roman snapped, sitting up from where he’d been leaning against Logan, and Virgil inadvertently found himself wondering how that would feel. “There’s no need to be rude to Patton, Negative Nancy.”

He was the one being rude? Him? After weeks of them treating Virgil like he was contagious and not even bothering to offer an explanation?

“Right,” he muttered. “I’m the asshole. Like always.”

“Virgil,” Logan spoke up, clearly caught off guard by the sudden shift in tone, and Virgil deflated. “We...understand your uneasiness. But between the three of us, physical contact has become something of a habit. We have been careful not to extend that to you, but habits take time to grow out of. And mistakes will be made.”

And Virgil...Virgil was pretty sure if he didn’t get out of this room right now he was going to burst into tears. They’d never actually talked about this before. He’d never heard them acknowledge that it wasn’t just his overactive imagination.

“I get that,” he said, voice painfully strained. “I do, I’m...I’m not trying to fight I just- just...do you guys have to be so obvious about it?”

Virgil risked a glance up, all three of them staring at him now with some form of hesitant uncertainty.

Logan cleared his throat and echoed Virgil’s request. “Obvious?”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “You guys don’t...I don’t get why you’ve all decided touching me is somehow the worst fucking thing in the world. I know...I know you won't touch me and it’s not like I blame you- trust me, I’ve met myself- but...you could at least maybe try not to treat me like I’m carrying the goddamn plague!”

His outburst was met with silence, the other side’s expressions unreadable, and Virgil’s heart sank when he realized his vision was becoming quickly clouded with tears.

He quickly started to backtrack. “I mean, I’m...sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to...it’s ok you guys. Really, it is. I get it, I’m...I’m Anxiety. Nobody wants...obviously you guys aren’t ever gonna--”

“Virgil,” Logan cut him off, and the logical side sounded...panicked? “I believe we may have had a very large misunderstanding. You...would you like us to engage in physical contact with you?”

Virgil hunched his shoulders, frantically blinking away tears. “I’m not...I’m not gonna make anyone...you don’t want to, and that’s fine. Really. I’m not mad, it’s ok.”

“Honey, no.” Patton sounded breathless when he spoke up, frantic. “That’s not it at all! We thought you didn’t want us touching you!”

Virgil froze, everything around him screeching to a stop, and for a moment he thought he must have misheard.

“I- you...what?” Why would they... how could they think that? He’d actually thought it was fairly obvious how badly he wanted it.

Roman stood up from the couch and crossed his arms. “Why on earth would we go out of our way to avoid touching you if it wasn’t to make you comfortable?”

Virgil blinked, suddenly completely lost. What the hell was going on? He’d thought they’d made their intentions pretty clear.

“I...why wouldn’t I want you guys to--?”

“Well, you certainly acted like it!” Roman snapped, and Virgil knew the Prince well enough by now to know he wasn’t angry, just stressed. “If you didn’t mind being touched, you wouldn’t act like we were trying to electrocute you every time we got too close!”

Patton reached up to put a hand on Roman’s arm, steadying him, but his gaze never left Virgil.

Virgil was starting to think this was all some kind of twisted dream his touch-starved mind had come up with, flipping everything around for the sole purpose of confusing him. This was...this was a joke, right? Some kind of excuse?

“What are you talking about?” he asked, ignoring how bad the tremble in his voice had gotten. “I didn’t...guys, it’s ok if you don’t want to touch me, I-I’m not gonna force you obviously, I just...never understood why it was a big deal. That’s all.”

Patton was shaking his head, hands moving to cover his mouth as Virgil spoke, and the moral side turned warily to Logan.

“Virgil,” Logan said. “We clearly could have...handled this differently. We’ve been purposely avoiding physical contact because based on your body language, we... I concluded that it made you uncomfortable.”

“It wasn't just you, Specs,” Roman said, his voice softer than when he’d been talking to Virgil. “We all clearly misunderstood. I- I still don’t quite...understand.”

The room was spinning, and Virgil did his best to blink away the dizziness washing over him, furiously wiping away a few stray tears that made their escape. He hoped no one noticed.

“I thought you just...didn’t want to. Because it’s...you know. Me.”

“Oh, kiddo.”

“What did I do?” he asked, suddenly terrified as to how he could have misread the situation so horribly for so long. “To...to make you guys think that?”

Logan blinked, his brow furrowing as he scrutinized Virgil from behind his glasses, and all three of them looked oddly confused by the question.

“I...Virgil, it’s been fairly easy to pick up on for some time now. Even before we learned your name.”

Patton frowned, taking a small step forward. “You got...really tense whenever someone would go to touch you, kiddo. Like you thought it was gonna hurt.”

“Earlier on, one of us moving like we planned on touching you would result in a flinch,” Logan added. “Later, as we got closer, we noticed you going very still. Like you were afraid. It wasn’t hard to avoid touching you before learning your name, but now…”

“We had to be more careful,” Roman jumped in. “Clearly that...wasn’t what you wanted.”

God Virgil was so stupid. This whole time he’d thought...for once he hadn’t even done anything wrong. And now all he’d managed to do was make everyone stressed and confused. He’d fucked everything up without even realizing.

They’d...they’d tried to touch him before? Before even learning his name? If he’d just been normal he could have avoided years of that cold, longing feeling settling in his chest?

He wondered if things would change now. Probably not, Virgil reasoned with himself, his throat tightening at the thought. He blew it. They’d just be upset with him now.

“I am...I am so sorry,” Logan said, and Virgil was having a difficult time following what was being said. “After getting to know you and your behavior patterns, I had concluded that your aversion to touch stemmed from sensory issues that can often relate to anxiety. Clearly, I should have asked you for confirmation.”

Logan sounded genuinely guilty, while Roman and Patton were looking at him softly. It wasn’t a big deal. He’d been wrong. They didn’t hate him, he’d just stupidly misunderstood their intentions.

But it was all cleared up now. It didn’t matter. He could suck it up and move on, just as long as he could keep the annoyingly persistent tears at bay for a little bit longer.

“It’s ok,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut and hunching over himself when his breath caught in his throat. “It’s...i-it’s fine.”

God, he was so pathetic. He was pathetic. Why would anyone ever want to touch him?

“Obviously it’s not, sweetie.” Patton was suddenly in front of him, kneeling in front of the armchair. “We didn’t mean to hurt you, Virge, but it’s ok to be upset with us.”

Virgil shook his head, voice refusing to cooperate with his racing mind. He quickly wiped at the fresh tears, refusing to fall apart over something so stupid.

The next moment happened in a frantic blur, but everything clicked into place when it was over.

Patton carefully reached forward, moving to rest his hand on the anxious side’s knee, and Virgil’s heart squeezed in desperation and hope for the gentle, grounding touch he’d never been able to experience before.

His body ended up reacting differently, completely against his will. He tensed up completely, wide eyes locking onto Patton’s hand, his breathing stopping completely.

Patton noticed, of course. His face fell at the reaction, and he quickly pulled his hand away.

Oh. Virgil supposed it did look like he was scared rather than desperate. “S-sorry. I--”

“Don’t be sorry, kiddo,” Patton said, but he sounded hesitant. Disappointed. “It just...seems like you’re uncomfortable.”

“It’s...it’s not that,” Virgil managed. His voice was horribly unsteady, but he needed them all to understand that it wasn’t them- he was just too useless to control his own reactions. “I didn’t even realize I...I just have never had it before so I don’t...I don’t know how to--”

“Wait a second,” Roman said, Virgil quickly snapping his mouth shut. “What do you mean you’ve never had it?”

They were all staring at him, probably baffled and annoyed by his inconsistent rambling, and Virgil curled tighter in on himself, his cheeks burning.

“I...I’ve never, uhm…” He suddenly didn’t want to say it, all too aware of how little it mattered. This conversation should have been over a long time ago. “I’ve never been...you know. I-I’ve never...done it.”

Great, now it just sounded like he was speaking nonsense. But the others seemed to have some idea of what he was talking about, judging by the looks they were suddenly throwing each other. Roman was the only one who eventually spoke up.

“You- are you just talking about touch?” The Prince demanded, and Virgil shrank back. “Virgil, you’ve never been touched? At all?”

Virgil shrugged, dropping his gaze to his lap. “I mean, yeah. Not...not really. Other than, um, other than Patton hugging me today.”

But he’d seen Patton hug the others, and he knew what he’d gotten could barely count as one. Not that he had any right to complain. He’d be lucky if they didn’t shun him for the rest of his life after today.

“I’m sorry,” he said when the silence stretched on far too long to mean anything good. “I know, guys. I know it isn’t a big deal, I’m really really sorry for making it one, I just--”

“Virgil.” Patton’s voice came out more choked, more anguished than Virgil had expected, and then…

And then there was a hand on his face, cupping his cheek and brushing away the falling tears, and Virgil couldn’t breathe in the best way possible.

Patton’s hand was warm, enough to startle Virgil out of his spiraling panic for the moment, but his breath still hitched when he met the moral side’s watering gaze.

“Virgil,” he said again. “Is it alright if I hug you?”

Virgil blinked, still partly convinced this was a dream, heart racing in his chest. He couldn’t find his voice, eyes glued to Patton’s, but he managed a tiny nod.

It all happened so fast- suddenly Patton’s hands were wrapped around his own, pulling him off the chair and onto wobbling legs, and then he was being pulled forward...

Oh. Oh.

He fell against Patton’s chest, his head resting in the crook of the moral side’s neck, Virgil’s legs threatening to give out beneath him when Patton wrapped his arms around him and held on tight.

Virgil was sobbing before Patton even started rubbing circles on his back, rocking them both gently, hushing him softly.

He had no idea if he was doing this right, practically limp in Patton’s hold. His arms were just uselessly hanging there, hands wracked with violent tremors. But even if he did know what to do, he doubted he could force his body to move right now, only able to melt into the embrace as the living room filled with his miserable sobbing.

“Oh baby, it’s ok.” Patton was talking softly, his breath warm against Virgil’s ear, and he finally forced his hands to move up and clutch the other side’s shirt. “It’s ok, you’re ok. I’ve got you. We’ve all got you now. You’re alright.”

There was another hand cupping the back of his head, running fingers through his hair, and he caught a glimpse of Logan pressing up against them both. The movements of his fingers were slow and precise, burning Virgil’s freezing skin like the most pleasant fire, his words of reassurances lost to the sound of desperate cries.

And then Roman was there too, briefly meeting Virgil’s eyes with a sad but hopeful smile, suddenly moving around to join in and hug Virgil from behind.

He quickly realized that this, as overwhelming as it was for his first time, was the single best feeling in the entire world. He was certain that he would crash to the ground in a trembling heap if the others weren’t supporting his weight.

Virgil had never felt so warm. The brief hug in the kitchen had been nothing compared to this. He couldn’t stop shaking despite it, overwhelmed and so, so relieved, wanting nothing more than to melt into the embrace and never let go. He could stay here forever, wrapped up in safety and warmth, the rest of the cold, lonely world forgotten.

But eventually he cried himself out, sobs dying down to hiccuping gasps as he fought to get a hold of his breathing. Patton and Roman loosened their grip, Logan’s fingers slowing, but none of them pulled away just yet.

Virgil took in a shuddering breath. “I’m s- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Patton said. “You don’t need to be sorry for a thing, kiddo.”

He clutched Patton’s shirt tighter, sucking in a breath when Roman moved to put a hand over his fist. “I- I thought y-you...you all--”

“We should have asked,” Patton said, pulling back enough to see Virgil’s face. “We should have realized you were hurting, honey. That’s our fault.”

“Not yours, Virge,” Roman agreed, leaning forward slightly to press his forehead against Virgil’s temple. “I can’t even imagine how isolated we must have made you feel. But that’s over now. We can fix this. We will fix this.”

“I do want to offer my sincere apologies,” Logan said. “We had all misread the behavior, but I was the one who enforced it after learning your name. I should never have jumped to conclusions so quickly.”

Virgil tried to shrug, but it quickly proved to be impossible with how tightly he was pressed against the others. He didn’t mind at all.

He wasn’t ready to let go yet, despite the way his stomach twisted at the guilt Logan didn’t deserve to be feeling, a dark part of his mind whispering that once he pulled away, the warmth would never come back.

“It’s ok,” he said, voice still raw and hoarse. “It was just a s-stupid misunderstanding, right? I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up, I- I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just a hug.”

It was a lie and they all knew it. Silly as it was, it meant the world to him. He would do just about anything to make this feeling last forever.

“Virgil, no.”

Patton was moving away, and Virgil felt a rush of blinding panic before Logan suddenly took his place, holding Virgil’s face in his hands, eyes wide and intense. Patton didn’t go far, his hand moving to clutch Virgil’s arm, and Roman only tightened his hold.

“It is not stupid, Virgil,” Logan said, tilting Virgil's chin up. “Not at all. I can assure you, it was far from an overreaction.”

“Logan--”

“Physical touch is essential for one’s mental health. Especially for those who experience heightened anxiety. I should have known... depriving you of any physical contact your entire life has left you incredibly touch starved, likely only worsening any symptoms you would naturally experience.”

Usually, Virgil found it fascinating listening to Logan, the way he so naturally took on a teaching position, spouting off information like he was reading from an invisible book.

Now, the dread and panic were clawing at his throat, and Virgil swallowed, forcing himself to speak. “Am I...am I hurting Thomas?”

The terror was overwhelming, doing all it could to convince him that the others would hate him, that Thomas would want him gone for good. But it didn’t last long, Logan shaking his head with an unbearably gentle expression.

“I am not talking about Thomas’s mental state.” He reached forward to brush away some of Virgil’s hair, looking oddly relieved when Virgil leaned into the touch. “I’m talking about yours.”

“Oh.”

Roman finally dropped his arms, but just like Patton he didn’t go anywhere, his chest still brushing Virgil’s back while he reached for one of his hands. Patton took his other one, both running gentle patterns over his knuckles with their thumbs.

Virgil felt like he was going to melt right here and now. He couldn’t help but smile.

“Since it seems you're comfortable with touch,” Logan said, and Virgil almost wanted to laugh. He was a little bit more than comfortable. “I’m hopeful we can undo any damage that has been caused. Tonight is already a good start.”

And that...that sounded amazing. It sounded more than amazing. It was all he’d wanted this whole time, years of bitter, icy cold loneliness already paling in comparison to the warmth and love he’d felt in the last ten minutes.

But...

“I...thank you. Thank you so much, but...I-I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t--”

“Kiddo,” Patton said. “Do you know how many times I’ve had to stop myself from hugging you?”

“All of us,” Roman added. “I’ve lost track of how many close calls I’ve had. I thought it was good you didn’t seem to notice how badly I wanted to, but...apparently not. But we love you, Virge. We love you so much.”

“We do!” Patton squeezed his hand. “We really, really do. You’re not forcing us into anything, kiddo. You’re family.”

Virgil kind of wanted to pinch himself to make absolutely sure this wasn’t a dream. But there was absolutely no way he could make up something this good.

“Ok,” he said, still wincing at how weak his voice sounded. “That’s...that’s good because I...I don’t think I could go back. Uh, to how it was. After...after all this. I-if this was just a one time thing, I don’t know what I’d do. And I know that’s dumb, this is literally my fault, but--”

“None of that,” Logan said, firm but not unkind, and Virgil fell silent. “This is far from a one time thing. I believe you’ll start having a hard time getting away from the hugs now.”

Virgil laughed, not really caring when it came out as more of a strangled sob. “I think I’m ok with that.”

“It’s still early,” Patton said. “You kiddos think we should take this to the couch? We can still watch some movies if you’re up to it, Virgil.”

As soon as he nodded, Virgil felt arms wrap around him again, one under his knees and one behind his back, lifting him up from the ground.

“Princey!” He wrapped his arms around Roman’s shoulders by instinct and froze, suddenly terrified he would be yelled at. But, he reminded himself, Roman was literally holding Virgil in his arms. Nobody found Virgil repulsive. “I can walk, dork.”

Roman grinned down at him, taking them both back towards the couch. Virgil found he really didn’t mind being carried when it ended up with him put down in the middle of the couch, still curled up in Prince’s hold with his head against Roman’s chest.

The others joined soon after, Patton grabbing the popcorn and sitting on Roman’s other side with his legs propped up on Virgil’s lap. Logan sat directly next to Virgil, his hand squeezing the anxious side’s shoulder before dropping his head to rest on Virgil’s shoulder.

Virgil shuddered, tensing against his will at the rush of sensations, but no one pulled away when he didn’t quite know how to reciprocate.

“Just relax now,” Roman said softly, pressing a kiss to Virgil’s hair while Patton got the movie started. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Virgil wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, only vaguely aware of himself drifting in and out of consciousness, still held safely by the others on the couch, an old familiar Disney movie playing in the background.

He thought his position might have been changed, but he still felt the rise and fall of Roman’s chest beneath his head, someone’s hand running gently through his hair.

For the first time, he felt safe upon waking up and let himself keep his eyes shut, breathing deeply.

“Is he asleep?” he heard Patton ask, the hand in his hair slowing for just a moment. “He really wore himself out today.”

“Indeed,” Logan agreed from somewhere nearby. “Not to mention a common side effect of touch starvation is difficulty sleeping, nightmares, stress, a lower sense of self worth, dep--”

“But he’ll be ok now,” Patton said, thankfully cutting off Logan’s worryingly accurate description. “He’s got us, and he’s my kiddo. He never has to feel that way again.”

“It will take some time. And eventually we will have to have a talk about consent and boundaries- I don’t ever want him feeling overwhelmed. But you are accurate, Patton. He has us now. He will be alright.”

Virgil had to force himself not to smile, not quite ready for this to end for the night. He knew eventually he’d have to head back to his room, but the thought of being alone again, even just for the night, was--

“I don’t want him to wake up alone,” Roman whispered, like he could read Virgil’s mind. “Is it alright if we stay here tonight?”

“Of course, kiddo.”

“I am perfectly comfortable where I am.”

True to their word, none of them seemed inclined to leave the comfort of the couch, the movie’s volume eventually turned down to a faded hum.

Virgil sighed, relaxed and content, letting himself smile as he fell back into the first truly restful sleep he’d had in a long time, followed closely by warmth and love.

[9tzuyu]

who you are

note: mostly made this for my own comfort, but i do hope it helps and/or comforts any fellow lesbians :]. i normally wouldn’t specify sexualities on any characters because obviously everyones going to feel differently about different characters, but like i said this started off for my own comfort bcs i was hashtag goin through it.

prompt: basically just reader struggling to accept themselves as a lesbian. sorry non lesbians :(

warnings: heavy heavy heavy on internalized lesbophobia. talks about comphet (trying to force oneself to like men) and wanting to be ‘normal’

thank u ally for proofreading <3

not tagging anyone just because i don’t want to trigger :[

. . .

you were wrestling with something, natasha could tell that much. your eyebrows were drawn together, eyes lost in a gaze. it wasn’t until the third time tony called your name when you snapped out of it.

“sorry,” you mumbled.

“well are you going to answer the question?”

natasha noted the tapping of your foot, knuckles cracking beneath the table. it was obvious you weren’t in the right state of mind to be answering any kind of question. foolishly, no one else picked up on that except for the redhead.

“what was the question?”

tony sighed, his patience growing thinner by the second.

“i asked if your report was done. it was supposed to be handed in three days ago, remember?”

your foot tapped faster.

“yeah- yeah, i’m almost finished.”

it wasn’t like you to be so late on things like this, you were usually on top of everything.

“you told me you would have it ready by today. this is the fourth time this month that you’ve done this. you’re dragging your ass and the rest of us are getting pretty tired of it.” a collective agreement could be heard from the team. all eyes were on you waiting for a reply.

if you hadn’t felt anxious before, you most definitely did now.

“it won’t happen again.” tony blew off your statement and rolled his eyes. you shifted uncomfortably, nauseous from all the negative attention.

you couldn’t help but wonder if they knew. maybe that’s why they were being so short. it made sense after all.

natasha tried making her way towards you, but she was stopped by steve’s hand on her shoulder. you were well past gone by the time she managed to scramble away from him.

your back pressed flatly against the wall, tears steadily falling down your face. hatred was all you felt. hatred towards yourself. 

why couldn’t you be like the rest of them? why didn’t you belong? 

whywhywhywhywhywhy

granted, you knew there was absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. that was never the issue. the issue was the fact that it was yourself, that there was no possibility for you to ever be attracted to men. 

you were sure it would be a phase, that it would pass, that you would forget about it and never think about it again. you tried to go on dates, tried to form a relationship, tried to enjoy having sex with them. none of it worked, no matter how much you forced yourself to believe it would. 

all you could think about was how sick and disgusting you felt. and the shit representation didn’t help your case at all. the media hardly ever portrayed a good, well-rounded lesbian character that wasn’t problematic, over-sexualized or dead. 

the media only reiterated the fact that you were supposed to want men. you were supposed to find the right guy and fall in love with him, call him your husband and start a family. 

a knock on your door pulled you away from your thoughts. you shuffled your way back to your feet, drying your eyes for good measurement. 

natasha stood patiently, eyes drilled on your doorknob. if it were up to her she’d be picking your lock, but she knew that would be crossing a boundary. she went to knock again when your door swung open. 

“hi nat.”

“hey,” her voice was soft. “you’ve been crying...” she pressed her hand against your face, thumb rubbing the top of your cheekbone. 

you shrugged. it wasn’t like you could deny her, your red eyes had already given away the truth. “yeah.” 

she hummed, “may i come in?”

you hesitantly moved out of the way to let her through, cursing at yourself for finding her so attractive. 

“you know you can talk to me, you always do. why haven’t you said anything?” natasha moved to sit on the edge of your bed. “you’ve grown quiet these past few days, it’s not like you.”

“i’m just tired, worn out from work i suppose.”

she nodded, though she knew better than to believe such a lie. natasha could always tell when you were lying, something you both hated and loved at the same time. 

you sat next to her after a friendly tap on the bed. her gaze made you feel like a little kid in trouble. it was as if she already knew and was prepared to say the worse.

“i don’t believe you.” 

“well, i don’t know what you want me to tell you, nat.”

“how about the truth?” you scoffed purely out of defense. “and what good would that do?” 

“it might relieve whatever you’ve got on your heart.” you met natasha’s eyes and your lip immediately began to quiver.

“i’m afraid you won’t be able to look at me the same.” 

she softened, taking your hand in hers. “there’s nothing in the world that would change the way i see you.”

“you say that now, nat, but-”

“i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t mean it.” 

you thought about it further. natasha had never been one to judge someone based on the things they’ve been through, the things they’ve done or the things that make them who they are. she saw people the way they were, nothing more, nothing less. 

but what if she didn’t like you or see you the way you were? you weren’t sure you could handle the aftermath if that were to be the case. it was bad enough you struggled to accept yourself, natasha’s disapproval would only break you. 

“i’m a lesbian.” a lump in your throat began to form and you found yourself crying once more. “i tried so hard, i tried everything i could think of, but i can’t, i don’t like men.”

you coughed, choking on your words. 

“i don’t understand, nat! i don’t understand why i can’t be normal. why can’t i do it? if i just liked men i would be okay, i would be fine, i would be fucking accepted.” you paused for a breath of air. “i just want to be normal.” 

natasha was taken back by your confession. it was nothing near what she thought it would be. she expected you to tell her you’d been stressed or that you were scared for the next mission. 

“i’m sorry, i-”

the spy quickly cupped your face, tilting your chin upwards as a hint to meet her eyes again.

“look at me, c’mon, hey. you have nothing to be sorry for, don’t ever think that you do. i love you for who you are. there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. you’re normal, you’re who you are, who you’re supposed to be. you are real. i promise you are.” 

without thinking you leaned into natasha, clinging on to her for dear life. her arms found their way around your body, hands rubbing your back up and down. 

“you should be proud to be who you are, not ashamed. and if you’re not proud of yourself then please know that i am. i am so, so, incredibly proud of you, sweetheart.” she finger brushed your hair as you continued to cry. “shhh, you’re alright baby. i’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this alone.”

“it’s okay nat.” she gave your body a small squeeze, frowning at your response. “you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to force yourself to be someone or something you’re not. you don’t deserve to struggle so much for your own acceptance as a lesbian.” 

you nodded, though she could tell you weren’t fully convinced. “the only opinions you should care about are your own and the people you love and cherish. i know that’s easier said than done, but it’s true. besides, what you told me just gives me something more to love about you.” natasha finished off with a delicate kiss to your forehead. 

“this means a lot to me, nat. thank you, for everything really.” 

“oh sweetheart i should be thanking you for trusting me with such an important part of you are.” you shied away, a growing smile forming on your face as you leaned into her shoulder.

natahsa smirked, clearly aware of the effect she had on you. “who knew you could be so cute?” 

“nattttt.” 

she rose her hands up in surrender, “alright, alright. i’ll stop on one condition.” 

“what’s that?” you mumbled. 

“would you let me take you out for dinner tonight? i’ll show you just how beautiful it is to be with a woman.” 

“yeah, yes- yes please, that’s fine.” natasha could’ve sworn she heard your heartbeat quicken and she had to refrain from letting out a small laugh at your flustered state. 

“we need to clear that little mind of yours. i’ll be back here at seven on the dot, okay?” a pat on the leg caught your senses as you watched her stand. the last thing natasha heard was the soft “okay” fall from your lips as she walked out the door.

you’d never been happier to be a lesbian in your life by the end of the night.