#went a little crazy with experimenting on the rendering

[the-frostiest-of-flakes]

Don't let the Black Cat cross your path...

[tired-truffle]

My Soul to Keep

A Viktorxfem!reader fic

Chapter Word Count: 4.6k

Tag List: @im-just-a-simp-le-whore @ihascat5 @pebble-bb @goooofy-goooober1121 @furblurwurblur @potatointhedirt @webofwhimsy @mad-simp420 @xo-mingx @patchs-curiosity-corner (Let me know if you'd like to be added)

Chapter 2

Masterlist

You’d never imagined being a ghost tethered to a place to be a very fun experience. Being unable to move outside of your haunting space or see new scenery would drive anyone at least a little crazy after a few years. Being tethered to a person or an object, on the other hand, would give you a bit more wiggle room and the ability to explore. Except it would only be at the whim of the person carrying your object, or the person themselves. While you hadn’t figured out if you were actually a ghost or not, less than a minute after Viktor had left his apartment, it became viscerally clear that you were attached to something or someone on the move. Like an invisible wall of force, you were shoved from your spot, hovering uncertainly above the leather couch, and dragged through the floor. 

Your shrieks of terror went unheard as you passed by room after room, making your descent from the upper floors. A man frantically buttoning his vest, a piece of toast crammed into his mouth, groaning his irritation as crumbs scattered over his chest. A woman reading a newspaper, a cup of tea in her hand. A young couple, one wrapped nothing but a thin sheet as they kissed goodbye at the door. 

Wonderful, not only were you some sort of ghost-like creature, but you were now a Peeping Tom too. 

After what must have been upwards of fifteen rooms, you finally reached the ground floor, floating down until you hovered over smooth tile flooring, polished marble tiles laid out in an intricate herringbone pattern that stretched from wall to wall. Towering columns of veined stone rose to meet a vaulted ceiling, where ornate chandeliers hung like crystalline raindrops frozen in time. Their warm light glinted off the gold-leafed accents adorning the walls and archways, rendering an atmosphere of quiet luxury.

A polished mahogany reception desk stood to your left, its surface so reflective you assumed it must be polished on the hour every hour. Behind it, a wall of brass mailboxes glinted, their tiny doors neatly labelled with apartment numbers.

As you floated there, drinking in the details of your lavish surroundings, a soft 'ding' broke you from your curious reverie. The elevator doors slid open, and Viktor stepped out.

It took him a moment to spot you, likely not having expected to see his hallucination lying on the floor of his building’s entry, but unfortunately for you, there was no coverage to hide your embarrassment. Like a flame flickering into existence, his eyes widened as they landed on you, stuttering in his steps. With a resigned sigh, you waved at him and floated back to a standing position. 

Out of all the side effects of your predicament, the floating was probably your favourite. It was the little things that kept you going. 

Recovering smoothly, lucky that the few others in the lobby weren’t paying attention to the newcomer, Viktor resumed his long-legged strides, his shoes clicking against the marble floors. When he reached you, you floated along at his side, hands clasped behind your back with the dignity of someone who did not just fall through the ceiling. 

“It seems like I can’t leave your general vicinity. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.” You elbowed him, even knowing it would go right through him. It was the thought that counted. “I don’t think anyone else can see me though, or a lot more of them would have freaked the fuck out when I appeared in their rooms.”

The subtlest of smirks canted at the corners of his lips. He pushed open the glass door, the creaking of the hinges masking his voice so only you could hear his reply.

“I’ve had worse tag-alongs.” 

That shouldn’t have made you as happy as it did, but you beamed at him anyway, pleased like a student who’d been praised by an overly harsh teacher. 

You hovered in silence beside Viktor, acutely aware of the peculiar situation you found yourself in. The bustling streets of Piltover unfolded before you, gleaming with wealth and innovation that left you slack-jawed with wonder. It was one thing to see it on screen, and another to experience it first-hand.

Sleek, chrome-plated carriages whizzed by, and the people of Piltover moved with purpose, their attire a dizzying array of fine silks, tailored suits, and accessories that sparkled with precious stones. You realized, with a start, that even the most modest outfit you saw probably cost more than you'd ever seen in your life.

Street vendors hawked their wares on the cobblestone roads - miniature clockwork toys, glowing vials of mysterious substances, and gadgets whose purposes you couldn't even begin to fathom. You longed to stop and examine each fascinating item, but the invisible tether binding you to Viktor urged you onward.

After a few blocks of sensory overload, you approached a structure that made even the grandest buildings you'd passed seem modest in comparison. The Academy loomed before you, a colossal edifice of azure stone that seemed to touch the very heavens. Its walls were smooth and polished, reflecting the sky like a massive sapphire.

As you ascended the steps alongside Viktor, you noticed how the stone beneath your feet - or where your feet would be if you weren't floating - clicked and moved to match the height and speed of his strides. Would they get smaller for someone like Heimerdinger?

You turned to Viktor, bursting with questions and observations, but held your tongue, remembering that he couldn't respond without looking like a madman talking to thin air. Instead, you contented yourself with a small smile, grateful for this unexpected adventure and the chance to witness the wonders of Piltover firsthand.

It wasn’t until you were through the foyer and into the elevator - alone with Viktor - that you spoke up. 

“So,” you elongated the vowel as you thought of what to say. “What do you do with this professor?” 

Viktor was young and mostly healthy, no illness eating away at his lungs, and if he was going to meet Heimerdinger first thing in the morning, you imagined it was because he was still working for him. However, there was a chance that he was meeting with the professor about Hextech. 

“I’m his assistant,” Viktor said plainly, confirming your suspicions. 

You frowned, consideringly. “Prestigious.”

He shrugged. “It has its perks.”

The elevator dinged, its doors opening to the tenth floor. Viktor stepped out, cane softly thudding against the carpet and accompanying his muffled footsteps. It was just the two of you, as far as you could tell. 

“You’re welcome to accompany me, though it appears you have little choice in the matter, but I must warn you I will not be able to speak with you,” he said under his breath. “Heimerdinger may appear…aloof at times, but he is sharp as a whip. If he believes that I’ve cracked under the pressure, he will have me immediately escorted to the nearest in-patient facility. That or he’ll lecture me over tea, neither of which I am particularly fond of.” 

You nodded along as he spoke, spinning so you were floating on your back, watching the sparkly tiled ceiling flow by. “I figured as much. Don’t worry about me; I’ll just chill in the corner. You won’t even know I’m there.”

And you’d been so close to being right. 

You’d done as promised, perusing the corners of Heimerdinger’s office while they reviewed their daily tasks, and trailing as far behind them as you could when they set out. The limit seemed to be about twenty feet in all directions before the barrier kicked in and shoved you along. Entirely aggravating - you’d never liked being told what to do, not even by invisible walls. 

Every so often, you'd push against the barrier, testing its limits. It was like pressing against an elastic wall - you could stretch it a bit, but eventually, it would snap back, dragging you along.

As you drifted through the corridors, you noticed something peculiar. Whenever you passed through a person, they would shiver involuntarily, as if a sudden chill had swept over them. You watched as a young student, her arms laden with books, trembled as you glided through her. Her eyes darted around, confused before she shrugged it off and continued on her way.

Intrigued by this discovery, you decided to conduct a little experiment - if you were going to surround yourself with scientists, you might as well try to blend in. You positioned yourself in the middle of a busy intersection where multiple hallways converged. As people walked through you, one after another, you observed their reactions. Some merely twitched, while others visibly shuddered, their teeth chattering for a brief moment.

Interesting, but you weren’t sure what to do with this newfound knowledge.

They didn’t head back to Heimerdinger’s office until late into the evening - it was clear where Viktor got his unhealthy work habits from, if he hadn’t had them already. By that point, you were bored out of your skull, and you couldn’t even get the reprieve of banging your head against the wall. 

All you could do was talk and float around, and since the only person you could talk to was Viktor, that left you with floating as your only option - and there was only so much flopping around into different positions that you could do before you lost your mind. 

Your wish for entertainment came in the form of an overly distracted Heimerdinger. You hadn’t been watching, Viktor hadn’t been watching - busy sorting through the missives that had piled up on the professor’s desk while they’d been out - and Heimerdinger himself hadn’t been watching where he was going, too enraptured in his thoughts. 

Bang! The loud slap of a stack of books toppling to the floor jolted you out of your calm - albeit painfully boring - state. 

Your perspective shifted dramatically, as if the world had grown larger around you. The colours of the room muted, losing their vibrancy, yet somehow, you could see more of your surroundings at once. Your visual field expanded, stretching to the corners of the room that were previously out of sight.

Your closest surroundings blurred, becoming indistinct shapes in your new vision. Yet, you found yourself drawn to the smallest movements - a piece of paper fluttering in the breeze from an open window, specks of dust filtering through the air.

Everything was different, more immediate, filled with scents and sounds you hadn't noticed before. The musty smell of old books mingled with the sharp tang of ink and the faint aroma of Heimerdinger's pipe tobacco.

Your ears twitched, picking up sounds you hadn’t noticed before. Viktor's breathing seemed louder now, the soft rustle of his clothing, the subtle creak of floorboards beneath his feet.

Instinctively, you hissed through clenched teeth as confusion prickled along your spine, your fur standing on end as your back arched. The sound that escaped your throat was alien and feral, nothing like your usual voice. As soon as it happened, you froze, bewildered.

Hold on.

Be so fucking for real right now.

This could not be happening.

Viktor’s wide eyes and slackened jaw said otherwise, his missive falling to the floor like a feather on a gentle breeze. 

You became acutely aware of your new feline form. Your whiskers twitched, sensitive to the slightest air currents in the room. Your tail, a foreign appendage you'd never possessed before, swished behind you with a mind of its own. You flexed your paws, feeling the soft pads beneath and the sharp claws that extended and retracted at will. The fur that covered your little body was a sleek black, looking soft to the touch as though you’d spent hours grooming it.

“Gadzooks!” Heimerdinger exclaimed, his head popping up from where he’d dived behind his desk to avoid being crushed. “That was a close one! Are you alright, my boy?”

Viktor hadn’t even been close to the books, but it was sweet of the professor to ask - not that you could register it in your shock. 

Shaking himself out of his stunned stupor, Viktor turned to face his employer. “Yes, sir. And you?”

“I’m alright, but it did give me quite the scare.” Heimerdinger chuckled to himself, but you were too busy freaking out to fully appreciate how the yordle’s ears wiggled when he laughed. 

Why the fuck were you a cat? And how were you supposed to turn back?

Oh God, were you stuck like this forever now? No, you refused. You’d had enough weird shit happen; you weren’t going to let this control you too.

Closing your eyes, you concentrated on slowing your heart rate. Like water falling off a duck's back, your feline form melted away. A tingling sensation spread from your core to your extremities, and you sensed your body stretching and reshaping. When you dared to open your eyes again, you found yourself back in your ghostly human form, hovering a few inches above the ground.

Frantically, you patted yourself down, checking for any lingering cat-like features. No tail. No fur. No whiskers. You ran your hands over your head, sighing in relief when you felt your hair instead of pointed ears. The world had returned to its normal proportions and colours, the hyper-awareness of scents and sounds fading back to normal.

Still shaken, you drifted over to Viktor, who was helping Heimerdinger gather the fallen books. You hovered close to his ear, hissing in a low, urgent whisper - a human hiss, not a cat hiss - "What the fuck was that?"

Viktor's eyes darted to you for a split second before returning to his task. His lips barely moved as he hissed back, "How am I supposed to know?"

You ran your hands through your hair, tugging at the strands in frustration. "I turned into a fucking cat!" you whispered incredulously, your voice rising slightly in pitch.

Viktor's jaw clenched, and he shot you a warning glance. His eyes flicked meaningfully towards Heimerdinger, who was dusting off a particularly old tome.

You nodded, forcing yourself to take deep, calming breaths – not that you actually needed to breathe, but the familiar action helped steady your nerves. As Viktor and Heimerdinger finished tidying up, you retreated to a corner of the office, trying to process what had just happened and wondering what other surprises your strange new existence might have in store for you.

Sitting in awkward silence wasn’t your favourite activity, but lately you’d been doing a lot of things you typically avoided. 

“Do you still think I’m a hallucination?” You broke the silence, your elbows resting on your knees as you floated above the couch, legs crossed. 

Viktor swayed his head and twisted towards you, his piecemeal dinner of toast and jam abandoned on the coffee table. “I have not concretely ruled it out, but since no one else can see or hear you, that may be difficult. For now, I am leaning towards no. It is much too fantastical for my mind to come up with. Besides, I do not feel as though I have lost my senses. There would be other signs.”

Logical, as you’d expected. 

“I wish I wasn’t real,” you sighed, tilting your head back to look at the popcorn-textured ceiling. “This is all so crazy. I don’t know where to begin trying to find answers.” 

“Do you remember what happened before you arrived here?” 

You shook your head. “Not a thing.” 

Viktor hummed his understanding. “You said that this world should not exist, what did you mean by that?”

Right, you had blurted that out in a panicked rush, hadn’t you? 

“If you don’t think you’ve lost your mind, then you definitely will think that I have when I try to explain it to you.”

He smiled, soft and patient, and in response, your stomach conjured up a flurry of butterflies to tickle your insides. “I promise I will not pass undue judgment. If I was going to, I would have already, given that you’re transparent and can turn into a cat.”

“Fair point.” He had you there, and what else did you have to lose? “Though don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He sat back, motioning for you to begin. 

Taking a deep breath, you squared your shoulders. “Do you have televisions here? Like screens that play pre-recorded videos?” 

“Some do, though it is not particularly common.”

“Thank God,” you breathed, “I really didn’t want to try to explain what that was. They’re pretty common in my world, at least where I come from, most households have them. We’ve got millions of shows and movies to watch. There was this one show called Arcane that was about, uh, here. Like, Piltover and Zaun.” 

He nodded sagely, and you couldn’t find any traces of disbelief in his eyes. He was just…accepting it? Or he was a very good actor. You were leaning toward the latter. 

“You were one of the main characters,” you continued, noting that this did get a reaction from him: a slight raise of his eyebrows. “And judging by a few observations, this is before the start of the show, though it can’t be more than a few years at most. If I had to guess based on my luck lately, we’re pretty close to it, weeks if not days.”

Viktor's forehead creased as he processed your words. "A show…about Piltover and Zaun. I suppose the politics could be intriguing. And I'm a character in it?"

“You are, but I don’t expect you to take me at my word. I can prove to you that I know things that I shouldn’t, and I can predict a few upcoming events, though we must prevent one sequence of events or everything goes to shit, so I may need a little bit of trust from you.”

At this, he looked interested, and you took this as a win. “Intriguing. You may proceed.”

You paused, what could you even tell him? What would be believable? “You…know a lot of things.”

“True.”

“And if you’re still thinking I may be a hallucination then I can’t tell you your history ‘cause you already know it.” You tapped your chin, lips twisted as you thought hard. “I’m trying to prevent the immediate future, so that wouldn’t work either, but…oh! Are you able to go to a doctor anytime soon?”

Viktor blinked, startled back. “A doctor?” 

“Yeah, like a medical one, not Dr. Reveck.” 

“Who is Dr. Reveck?” 

It was your turn to express your confusion. “You know, the doctor in that cave you met as a kid? When your boat went down the stream into his lab?”

Viktor eyed you, suspicion swimming in the depths of his gaze. “He never told me his name.” 

“Oh, uh,” you grinned sheepishly, “I guess you know it now. He’s the inventor of Shimmer. He’s trying to cure his daughter of death. He should probably be stopped, but that’s a later problem.”

“Right.” He was dubious, but he waved for you to continue. 

“Okay, here it goes, and it’s probably gonna suck to hear, so I’m warning you now,” you said, and upon Viktor’s nod, you started. “They never told us what illness you had, or I guess you have, just that you got it from Zaun’s shitty air. Your lungs will start to fail you, you’ll need a crutch, you’ll lose weight, and you’ll start coughing up blood sometime in the next seven years. Eventually, it would kill you. But, many people believed the illness was similar to one that we have in my world: tuberculosis or consumption, depending on the time period.” 

Viktor's face paled as you spoke, his lips pressed into a thin line. He sat in silence for a long moment.

"That's... quite specific,” he said when he was able to form a response. “And rather grim."

“I know. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I’m sure that’s a lot to take in, but if it is something like tuberculosis, then the good news is it’s totally treatable before it gets to the active stage. Do you have any of those symptoms now?”

“I don’t,” he said, a wariness to his tone. 

“That’s great!” You clapped your hands, relief flooding through you. What were you supposed to do if the one person who could see you died? “That means you don’t have the active stage yet, or any illness at all, but if it’s caused by Zaun’s air and you haven’t lived there for some time, then it wouldn’t make sense that you pick it up later. Can the doctors here test your blood for an illness like this?” 

“Yes.” His fingers drummed a steady rhythm on the arm of his chair, a nervous habit you hadn't noticed before. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get checked, though the idea of being ill and unaware until it is too late is unsettling."

Silence stretched between you, broken only by the soft ticking of a clock on the wall and the distant hum of the city outside. You wished you could offer more comfort, but what could you say to someone who'd just been told they might have a potentially fatal illness?

"I'll schedule an appointment as soon as I can," Viktor said, quiet but resolute.

You nodded, relieved that he was taking your warning seriously. "That's good. Really good. Thank you for listening to me."

Viktor's lips quirked into a small smile. "It's not every day a ghostly entity from another world appears to warn you about your health. It would be foolish to ignore such a specific prophecy."

You chuckled, appreciating his attempt at levity. "That’s the spirit."

Over and over in your mind you prayed to whatever gods may be listening that they could catch his illness in time. And if they couldn’t…you weren’t sure you had it in you to stop him from becoming the Machine Herald.

A few days later, he had his appointment set, and until then, you were stuck following him around. It wasn’t all bad, you’d spent most of your time idly floating, watching the scenery as you trailed after Viktor, and the evenings were spent in peaceful companionship. Surprisingly, he was more chatty than you’d expected. Late at night as he pursued his work, he’d talk to you about it, or rather talked at you as you had little to add. But still, you appreciated the entertainment. 

You had avoided turning back into a cat again, if such a thing could be avoided. One thing at a time; address Viktor’s illness, get him to believe that you were real, and then you could figure your shit out. 

On the day of the appointment, you floated beside him as he made his way to the physician’s office. It was in a central part of town, a quick trolley ride away. As you entered the sleek building, a thought occurred to you that you’d nearly forgotten. 

“Did someone teach you to use your cane on the same side as your injured leg?” 

Viktor halted in his steps, said cane clacking against the floor. It was just him in the entryway, and he looked at you with bewilderment. “I beg your pardon?”

You cringed, who were you to tell him how to use his mobility aid when you couldn’t even use your legs? There was no such thing as an inaccessible environment when you could float everywhere. “It’s just that you’re supposed to use a cane on the opposite side as the disabled leg, right? But I thought maybe there was a reason you weren’t doing that.”

He glanced down at the cane and then back up at you. “That’s what my parents taught me.” 

Ah, it was as you feared. No one had taught him to use it properly, and they’d been letting him go his whole life using it in a way that would damage his body over time. It made sense that Zaun didn’t receive proper health education on top of everything else. “Maybe you can talk to the doctor about it while you’re here.”

He pursed his lips, gaze distant as though evaluating memories you were not party to. “Perhaps.” 

After signing in and waiting his turn, Viktor was called back. 

“I’ll wait outside the door if that’s okay with you,” you offered, floating down the long hallway as the nurse brought him to a clinic room. Viktor nodded his understanding. 

You hovered in the hall, your ethereal form passing through the occasional nurse or patient who hurried by, watching as they shivered or shuddered.

As you waited, you observed the diverse array of people moving through the clinic. A young woman with braided hair adorned with gold jewelry passed by, her eyes fixed on a small device in her hand. An elderly gentleman hobbled along, supported by a woman of a similar age - his wife, maybe. A pair of identical twins, no older than ten, chattered excitedly about the latest comic their parents had bought them.

The nurse who had escorted Viktor into the examination room emerged, her shoes squeaking softly against the polished floor. She moved with purpose, her crisp white uniform much too clean for someone who no doubt frequently got her hands dirty. How many changes of uniforms for its staff did this place have to keep up appearances?

Minutes ticked by, and you found yourself studying the patterns in the wallpaper, tracing the delicate floral designs with your eyes.

Finally, after what felt like hours but was likely only about thirty minutes, the door to Viktor's room opened again. This time, a distinguished-looking man in a white coat stepped out, followed closely by Viktor. The doctor's salt-and-pepper hair was neatly combed, and his glasses perched precariously on the bridge of his nose. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled, a reassuring expression that immediately put you at ease.

Viktor's face was a mask of calm, but you could see the subtle tension in his shoulders. He extended his hand to the doctor, who grasped it firmly.

"Thank you, Doctor," Viktor said. "Your insights have been most valuable."

The doctor shook Viktor’s hand, his smile widening. "It's my pleasure. Remember what we discussed, and don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions."

With a final nod, Viktor turned and began making his way down the hallway towards the exit. You floated after him, your ghostly form easily keeping pace with his measured strides. As you followed, something caught your eye, and you did a double-take.

Viktor was using his cane differently.

Where before he had held it on the same side as his disabled leg, now it was on the opposite side. He had listened to your suggestion and brought it up with the doctor. This small change could make a significant difference in his daily life, potentially alleviating pain and improving his mobility.

As you exited the clinic, the bustling streets of Piltover greeted you. The afternoon sun beat down on the cobblestone paths, and you floated alongside Viktor, studying his face for any sign of what the doctor might have told him. His expression remained impassive, but when there was a break in the crowd, he leaned closer to you.

“I will receive a call with the results of the testing in a few days,” he whispered. “But you were correct about the cane. Thank you.” 

You shrugged, entirely unsure what to say. “I hope it helps.” 

An uptick at the corner of his mouth was the only sign of his smile. “Only time will tell.”

Next Chapter

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day!! I hope this makes it to you in time, and thank you so so much for all the support you gave for the first chapter <3

If at any point when reading this chapter you thought to yourself: "I just want you to stop sayin' odd shit." I do not blame you. It's not going to get any less weird, but I hope you enjoy it!

[cainightfics]

instead of answering all the asks individually, im just going to address the main question in one post...

where have i been? am i coming back?

tldr: 1) lots of places 2) yes

to answer in greater detail, it rly all begins with the night i made the horrible decision to hit submit on my application to grad school: december 15 2022. now i would not say grad school in itself has been horrible. my last life update in 2023 i was super broke and not doing well-- since then ive gotten scholarships, funding, and job opportunities, so contrary to most people's experience with grad school ive actually appreciated a (mostly) very financially stable existence here. i am just, to put it bluntly, tired. over the past 2 years, due to both my education and the general state of the world, ive had very little will to write fic. ive spent much of my time producing academic work or writing fiction elsewhere. i burned out bad writing my graduating honours thesis in 2023 and have been bombarded with similarly draining long term projects since. i became a semi-notable scholar in my micro-field and have been at conferences all around the world, on projects funded by the government, teaching classes etc but im ready for it to be over. im glad to have had the experience, but when i graduate in a couple months, i won't miss the mental exhaustion. im the type of person that values my freedom too much for all that.

aside from that, ive had 10 jobs in the last 2 years and been doing tons of random shit lol. i learned pretty early on into grad school that despite my success here, academia is really not my thing, so to deal with my disillusionment i started just doing whatever the fuck on weekends. why am i disillusioned? because there is systemic rot that becomes increasingly ridiculous and hypocritical the further up you get, most things you do are either pointless or happen on such a slow timeline they are rendered pointless through the slog, and because it's basically a pyramid scheme.

beyond the structural issues, a lot of people here are... kind of dumb. or maybe not dumb, but disappointing. i haven't made any friends here. that's definitely partially my fault, but also, i just don't find a lot of these people super inspiring or interesting or fun. i think im kind of the crazy person of my program lol. as some of you may know from my previous ask replies i have a very pessimistic and doomer mentality... and something about the insularity and toxic optimism of many ppl in academia bothers me. also you know when you can tell someone has never had the formative experience of working in customer service and being screamed at, assaulted, or threatened by a customer? and so without that formative experience they are annoyingly fresh and naive and innocent and nervous about everything and haven't been beaten down by life in a way that's made them more chill and empathetic? imagine that but it's every person in the room because you are at an elite school known for nepotism and everyone there grew up rich. yeah.

so onto the random shit ive been doing. ill just include the highlights

- found and raised a baby raven

- lived in the woods and survived off shoplifting and fishing for a portion of the winter

- became a cowboy for a bit

- harvested weed for two days, never got paid

- also randomly worked on a pirate ship for like 4 hrs

- went to mexico with 100usd

- went to nyc and visited e corp and elliots house and realized for myself how much elliots commute in-show doesn't make sense lol

- got a job at a maid cafe bc i thought it would be funny and they guilted me into working there for a full month

- very nearly got arrested while trying to ride the rails, had to hide in a cold metal rail car for 2 hrs in the middle of nowhere while i was literally hunted down

- for a while got very into the idea of becoming a hermit and living in a cave (may still revisit this in some way)

those are kind of the highlights! and the whole time i was plagued by the thought that i needed to go back to ao3 and finish what i started....

on a serious note, ive realized over the past 2 years that im not really built for a stable life. its not that i look down on it per say, i just can't do it. im incompatible with the life we are "supposed" to live according to the current cultural hegemony. what i enjoy is reading for fun, writing for fun, exploring, investigating, solving puzzles. when i feel stifled and overwhelmed, i can't focus on that. i do think the experience of grad school has helped me grow, but the development is almost negative-- that was my shot at taking a normal trajectory, or at trying to find validation and solace in a traditional setting. i realized the feedback and sort of affective dialectic of interacting with you, of writing and having my work read by an audience who shares the same interests as me, is far more fulfilling than what ive been doing. im really looking into trying to pursue a life where i can be somewhat self sufficient and have lots of time (and not just time, mental energy!!) for creative stuff. i have become increasingly pessimistic about our collective future and about The State Of Things, but at the same time, ive found existential freedom in giving up on the life everyone tells me i should be living

so anyways. if u feel inclined, i'd like to know what you've been up to as well!!

[agentnico]

Flow (2024) review

Dogs and cats living together… MASS HYSTERIA!!

Plot: Cat is a solitary animal, but as its home is devastated by a great flood, he finds refuge on a boat populated by various species, and will have to team up with them despite their differences.

I find it quite demeaning for a movie to be compared to a video game, however Flow invoked so much from that medium in the best possible way. From its non-photoreal aesthetics with remarkably accurate animal movement, to the rendered woodlands and flooded landscapes very reminiscent of the open world games such as Journey and Submerged: Hidden Depth. The latter in particular kept coming to my mind as I watched Flow, for the game featured this brother-sister duo on a boat traversing the sunken ruins of a beautiful word in a “relaxploration” adventure, with magical occurrences happening here and there. Flow works in a similar narrative style, only its animals instead of humans. There is no combat or fail state to deal with, just light platforming and discovering a way forward, as if it was a walking (or should I say floating) simulator. The video game resemblance is hard to miss, but I do think it works in the movie’s benefit, for it allows to tell its story through minimalistic simplicity, without relying on any exposition or dialogue.

That’s right, Flow is an entirely dialogue-free experience, relying sorely on environmental storytelling. The animals don’t talk, yet convey so much character and emotion regardless though their mannerisms and expressions. The animation of the eyes, though cartoony, was the most impressive, as with a simple squint or a shrink of a pupil you knew if the cat was scared, peed-off, curious etc. And again in regard to characters, no explanation is given but you already know who’s who through their basic behaviours. The main character of the black cat is skittish and untrusting, but happens to be a natural born leader with a great sense of judgment….and zero balance. Like seriously, this cat falls off the boat into the water like 50 times!! There’s the cool and reserved capybara, who doesn’t panic no matter how crazy the situation gets - always good to have a friend like that in a group. There’s a klepto self-absorbed lemur that honestly just wants to do its own thang, but everyone keeps getting in its way. But naturally it learns to be part of a team. We just know if this movie had dialogue the lemur would be voiced by Sasha Baron Cohen. And so on forth with the other animals - they all play a role and create this very watchable dysfunctional rag-tag group of survivors.

It’s the Robot Dreams of 2024, and in my eyes deserves the Oscar for Best Animated Feature - it’s easily my favourite of the contenders. It’s a wonderful, beautiful and immersive experience - a true vibe of a movie. Should also add that this is perfect viewing for kids - some great life lessons and themes on empathy and friendship, and the easy-to-digest narrative of animals going from point A to point B. In terms of complaints I’d say even though the movie is a short 90 minute one, it did overstay it’s welcome a little, and also there are a couple of narrative threads I wish had more explanation - the end of the character journey of the bird is a real out-of-place head scratcher that slightly pulled me out of the movie as it felt like it belonged elsewhere, and then there is the fact that all of the animals somehow understand how to drive a boat. Ah heck, let’s just assume they all went to boat school.

Overall score: 7/10

[ivi-ivisek]

My first fully rendered drawing in my regular style with ClipStudioPaint and I drew no one else than my sona Ivulka. It's been ages since I drew her fully rendered instead of just doodles so I simply had to draw her and I'm going to use this as an excuse to ramble about her and people here can finally know what on earth is that thing in my pfp

So Ivulka is some kind of a chimera dragon thing. Not sure if she can be concidered as a chimera but her body possess features of other animals such as bat ears mixed with caracal, Luna moth appendages on the wings, reindeer antlers and neck fluff and the rest of her body is a mixture of otter and tree kangaroo. Yeah and she also has a hidden stingray stinger and a kangaroo pouch

She may have mammalian features but she's not a mammal, nor a reptail. Scientifically she'd belong into own class. Maybe something in between...?

Once I made a doodle about her design

If you're wondering, those things under her ears are not feathers. I don't know what it is but I like it c:

Some general info:

Loves wearing hoodies

Listens to music all the time (has MP3 player)

Likes taking photos of critters

Hoarder/collector

Aprox 158 cm high (ears and antlers not included)

Absolute control over water element (liquid, ice, steam, water bending)

invisibility for short periods of time

She's been around since 2016 and she went through changes

The 2016 version is basically a classical feral furry dragon. I drew this before I joined DeviantArt which was 2017. I actually never shared this

The 2017 version is still just a furry dragon but I made her anthro and this was her official introduction when I joined DA. I still like this version even tho its outdated and I like in general how I drew her back then.

In 2018 she was slowly becoming more chimera like.

In 2019 she went through a bigger update. she was still recognizable but I changed her more than the pervios version and this is the version that still holds up to these days. I wanted to give her more specific features and add more things I like and feels more like me. I still love this version and how I drew Ivulka in general.

The 2021 version... this version... not gonna lie I don't like how I drew her. This is my least favorite drawing of her. I don't know what was going on in my head back then but her head looks more canine than otter she's supposed to be. I also don't like the shading but I have an excuse for this. This is from when I started to draw with my tablet and Medibang and I was experimenting with shading.

Then there is this 3 years long gap when I didn't draw Ivulka fully rendered or at least not in full body. Instead I drew a lot of doodles. After I got my tablet and medibang I've been drawing her like crazy

This is only a little of what I drew :>

Anyways, I'm so happy how current version turned out. this 2024 version is definitely my most favorite. <3

[nothing0fnothing]

I am usually a huge supporter of women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men. But this girl I knew(and cut ties with) was very abusive to her bf. She would lock him in rooms, hide his keys so he couldn’t leave when she wanted to fight with him…she would go through his phone and impersonate him to get people she wanted away from him to think he hated them. She once claimed that her upstairs neighbors sexually harassed her bc they called her a fat ass and called the cops on them. She ripped up all the flowers and shrubs in his garden. She would scream at all their friends to get out of her house when she wanted to fight with him. This girl claims that this was all “reactive abuse”. When I called her out on it she said she hope my little girls were abused. I personally don’t think any action that is thought out is “reactive abuse”. The things she did to him were thought out. I myself was in an extremely abusive relationship in my late teens to early 20s. I would never wish harm on anyone else in a million years. Let alone children. I just want confirmation that I am not crazy. I feel bad not supporting other women. But she story has so many holes and so much evidence to the contrary. Pretty sure she is the abuser. Pretty sure she is a narcissist. Also since I called her out on it she has been stalking me online daily. I quit TikTok bc she made over 165 videos all about me. What do you think? Honest opinion? I’m here for any insights

I don't think you are crazy and I think you should trust your gut with this woman. If you are seeing a pattern of abusive behaviour with her I think your priorities should be first and foremost your own saftey, and secondly being supportive to the guy she's abusing.

I do agree with you that none of what she is exhibiting seems to be reactive abuse. When I was in my first domestic violence relationship I experienced reactive abuse. For example, he used to call me to fight because if I were locked in a phone call with him, I wasn't able to socialise or get anything else done. When I realised I didn't have to answer the phone to put up with him, he started to call me over and over again, in quick sucession. While he was doing this he basically rendered my phone useless. I couldn't turn it off or even mute the ringer, because as soon as I tried a new call would come through. And he wouldn't just call 5 or 6 times, I remember checking my phone after eating dinner with my flat mates and seeing 577 missed calls. He had been calling and instantly redialing consistently for 45 minutes. He had found a way to essentially lock me out of my phone whenever he felt like it, he started doing it more and more frequently. One day, he's doing that, and I needed to use my phone to do some coursework. And I just wanted to cry because I knew my choice was to sit on the phone with him for two hours or wait an hour for him to get bored of redialing me before I could get what I needed to get done, done. So I started answering, saying the most hateful, vitriolic, heinous shit I could imagine, and hanging up. "I hate you." *click* *incoming call* "I'm breaking up with you" *click* *incoming call* "I hope you die" *click* *incoming call* "I hope your dog dies". *click* *incoming call*. And on and on it went until I fell spart and just shut my phone in a box in my wardrobe and listened to it ring till the battery died. I cannot excuse what I said it in any way, and I've never behaved that way since. I'm not am abusive person. I was just pushed to the brink by one.

I bring this up because that was a personal example of reactive abuse. I felt cornered by him and I thought the best way to stop his unhinged behaviour was to match energy. But that wasn't the way. Actually all I did there was feed his ego and give him exactly what he wanted.

I'm really struggling to square my experience to the examples you gave me, like hiding keys so her abuser couldn't leave the home. I know my experience isn't everyone's experience, but I don't really understand that behaviour as a reaction to abuse. Why would she want her abuser trapped in the house with her?

Sometimes reactive abuse can look from the outside like abuse, but like you said, it's not usually premeditated. Behaviour like going through her partners phone to find all of their contacts so she can turn them against him one by one. That just sounds like abuse to me. I'm not sure how or why a person would do that as a response to abuse. And considering her "reactive abuse" looks a lot like the behaviour of abusers, like the isolation from his loved ones and the destruction of his garden I'm assuming he put a lot of care and effort into, I'm definitely leaning to agreeing with you that she is probably not the victim in this particular scenario.

I'd suggest blocking and ignoring her completely. Like my ex using incessant phone calls to lock up my phone, eventually with no reaction from you, she will get bored and stop. Don't make the same mistake as I did, and give her what she wants by telling her what for. Otherwise she'll know that by making 165 tiktoks she can get a rise out of you, and you'll have to put up with it far longer.

Consider legal action if that's possible, but otherwise make sure you stay safe. She seems like a particularly nasty person and it seems like interacting with her is not going to end well for you.

[eurovision-revisited]

Eurovision 2009 - Number 16 - Caroline af Ugglas - "Snälla snälla"

Caroline has returned to Melfest with her non-Melfest songs to give everyone a break from the pop. The twist of bitter in the barrel of industrial sweetener. The Baron's daughter among the wannabes. The woman who has no need of a team of six Swedish song-writers because she and her husband Heinz Liljedahl write all her songs, and who founded her own record label, Siloton, to release her songs in 2007.

To say that Caroline sticks out is somewhat underselling it and that's before I get to her voice. The sound of Sweden is polish. Smooth, shiny finishes that apply just as much to vocals as it does to stage costuming and choreography. Professional, rehearsed, slick. Caroline af Ugglas's voice pebbledashes that blemish-free render with a coating of grit and little pieces of broken glass. It's the pebble in the Melfest shoe, sticking jaggedly into the big toe of the Swedish music industry.

There's nothing wrong with her singing. Her voice is somewhat soulful, emotional, and wrought. Wrecked by devastating experiences and fashioned back into an instrument capable of expressing that hurt.

Snälla snälla (Please, please) is perhaps her most famous song. It's a simple song. It's a song about a woman pleading with her man not to walk out of the door and go to his other woman. She's hurt so much that she's over her shame about begging him to stay as it's all she has left before she's destroyed. That's it. The choruses and verses blend into one another so it becomes hard to tell which is which. It's more a mix of repeating motifs and rhetorical tricks strung into a melody of despair.

As the song goes on, it falls apart along with Caroline's voice. It harkens back to blues and blues storytelling. A women wronged. Not angry. Not angry yet, just devastated. Even if she is wearing the most Melfestacious turquoise boots.

Last time out, in 2007, Caroline was eliminated in the heat as the public couldn't find room for her. This time things were different. And thanks to the many different rounds of Melfest 2009 a little weird. It might be that it took some time for the Swedish public to warm up to her and her song, but as she sang it a total of five times in the competition this year, the structure worked in her favour. Here's a bullet-point trip through Caroline's 2009 Melfest experience.

Heat first round - sails through in second place

Heat duel - loses to the song that finished fourth some way behind her in the first round. Onto the second chance final

Second chance final first round duel - wins easily

Second chance final second round duel - scrapes a win by 111,009 votes to 107,425. Onto the final

Final - draws the death slot. In the jury vote, she finishes fifth. She smashes the televote, coming second and ending up second overall, only eleven votes behind the winner. A winner that was seventh in the jury vote.

Craziness.

It was a weird year in Sweden.

Caroline would be back. She returned to the competition one more time, in 2013. Apart from her choir and TV related activities, she got on with writing and recording more songs. She released an album containing Snälla snälla just as Melfest ended and it immediately went to the top of the Swedish charts. Her next two albums also went top ten in Sweden and she's released six more in total since 2009.

If you liked the bitterness - here's one of her most recent singles (2024), Fader vår (Our Father) which has to be the most anti-Melfest, anti-Scandi pop song recorded with its digs at autotune and sung spiritual opium.

[mochinon-yah]

Happy super late Valentine's Day! (2)

BANG!!

Behind the scene (bloopers):

"Yeah, pose just like that!"

"Like this...?"

"Mhm! Now, do a creepy, almost crazy-like smile! Rather than a villain look, i think a crazy one fits you more."

"...what?"

"—or you could just smile."

SORRY BUT I COULDN'T HOLD IT IN ANYMORE AAAAA- white day isn't really far off, but i don't wanna keep rin waiting for too long lmaooo. I should've posted the finished artwork at feb 14th but yea, stuff happened and school was (and still) killing me-

ANYWAY CAN I JUST SAY THAT I LOVE COVIELLO KLNFOEIJFOW- i would be delighted to draw more of covi, maybe as a chibi next time >;)

Anyway @meimeimeirin or @zhongrin, this is your lovely baby <3 I hope the drawing matches your expectations lol. I actually wanted to draw their official clothes, but i was like gosh, i wanna see hot covi. Though, in my defense, their top was supposed to be sleeveless (because that's hotter), but then i was like "wouldn't it be uncomfy if you're doing a pose like that while being sleeveless?" so that's what happened- yeah no, it's actually because i rarely draw sleeveless top in the past, so i thought it would be safer if i didn't draw it.

Another thing is that i wanted to draw their mask, but i was a little confused by the design, so i just kinda went without it hehe 🙏 it would be fun if i experimented on this drawing to make it look more lively, but i didn't wanna ruin their image 😔👉👈 with theo, i was more comfortable since the clothes were all covering his body (i love rendering clothes' folds), but with covi, i was a bit confused... BUT HONESTLY IT'S MY FAULT FOR PICKING THAT POSE FOR THEM LMAOOO

[hydrus]

Version 621

windows

zip

exe

macOS

app

linux

tar.zst

I had an ok week. I fixed some bugs, did some duplicates work, and cleaned up some build and environment issues, and there's some more user work for ratings.

full changelog

ratings

Thanks to a user, we have more rating options.

First, under options->thumbnails and options->media viewer, you can finally set the size of ratings!

Second, under services->manage services, you can now set many more 'star shapes: triangles pointing up/down/left/right; diamond; rhombus pointing right/left; pentagon; hexagon and small hexagon; six point star; eight point starburst; hourglass; large + and X shapes.

In an experiment, you can also set custom svg star shapes. I've thrown a couple of very basic examples into a new install_dir/static/star_shapes directory, but you can add more yourself. Try to add something that's squarish and has a clean simple sillhouette on top of a transparent background.

We're debuting some unusual new drawing tech here, and you may see some new misalignments or clipped borders at certain sizes. I'm going to keep working here to nail down good padding and margins, and we'll play around with svgs more to see about getting nice clean borders showing up. If it all works out, I expect we'll migrate all the existing hardcoded polygons to svg. We're also looking at unicode character icons too.

duplicates stuff

The duplicates filter now prefetches the next five pairs of images, for faster image rendering (it used to just do the next pair). You can now alter this number under options->speed and memory.

I fixed an issue where flat colour images of the same num_pixels but differing resolution were counting as pixel duplicates.

The duplicates auto-resolution system now lets you do 'system:known url' and 'system:number of urls' for 'test A or B', and 'system:number of urls' for 'test A against B using file info'.

build stuff

I went on a 'cleaning out old libraries' kick this week, prompted by a user report about the PSD-reading library we were using (psd-tools). The psd library was pulling in a drawing library, aggdraw, which, in Linux at least, was including a very old and vulnerable version of a bz2 decoder. I don't know if this decoder ever actually ran for what we were doing, but I didn't like having this complicated library with possible security problems when all we use it for is grabbing resolution, icc profile, and a preview image. I hacked together a file parser and some other solutions we had lying around, including an ffmpeg renderer, and now the program no longer needs psd-tools. Some PSD rendering may be a little worse, but I also improved some transparency handling, so some files are better.

Similarly, I removed the swfrender executables from the bin directory. These are a fun old tool to make flash thumbnails, but the project has been discontinued for a long time, and the exes are very old and we shouldn't be relying on them, especially for a crazy format like flash. New flash files you import will get the default 'flash' icon. For the future, the excellent Ruffle library is putting together a modern version of this render executable, so when that is ready, I'll investigate bringing this functionality back.

On the other side of things, the AVIF library test last week went well, so I'm folding that in today. We should have better AVIF rendering.

next week

I want to integrate the 'A is an exact match of B' tech into the manual duplicate filter so we can test it with real world data.

[chipchopclipclop]

TELL ME ABOUT IT. I am so filled with Fear about Veilguard. DA has the potential to put me in such a chokehold and the last thing I want is these seemingly nice companions getting stuck in a shitty game. Or any other companions. Or my poor Inquisitor

I don't have high hopes lol (after all this production hell and firing of staff) and moreover i dont like how it looks still 😂 ppl saying it looks so diff to the cinematic one idk what ur seeing but (??) power to you.

i was telling a friend but everything in it looks very smooth and clean stylistically, which isn't what i really like about dragon age at all art direction wise anyway (even in inquisition which was hashtag #nextgen it still felt a little bit like eating grime everywhere u went) ik were in super epic mage city but everything is so clean, even the designs of the mages is really simple geometrically. It's to the point it all looks kind of boring to my eyes and very bland, which in turn makes me barely interested in the setting (which is crazy bc its tevinter) also idc abt solas like that but thats my personal issue with not giving a fuck abt the writing lol

everything we've seen in game as well weirdly looks like a pre-rendered cutscene or super cinematic, even regular conversations, in a way that feels stilted. I'm not saying it is ofc, i believe its gameplay but i don't like the direction of it at all lmao. this is all a shame bc alot of the companion concepts look very fun (necromancer old man literally is just my bg3 tav rofl) also i like running around big open world maps so them going YAYY LINEARITY isnt making me cheer !? ppl didnt like it in inquisition bc there was just fuck all to do in the maps 😂😂😂 it is going to be a mid as hell game basically. average dragon age experience though.

[clockworksheep2]

long post but its just me making some sort of bucket-list:

things that are crazy far-fetched dreams for me but would be so cool to have happen:

owning a sphynx (like the cat breed. not the statues fjkdkl)

being a shepherd. or at least for a little while just to experience it

working at some sort of orangutan sanctuary

deadwood lodge gaining some kind of even just extremely niche popularity (this would also be scary though FDSJKL)

selling needlefelted critters or other art that i can make (<- at a price that properly compensates the time i put in, thus rendering it an unrealistic pipedream LMAO)

going to some sort of big dress-up party event with a handful of friends

owning a pigeon (i have come to the conclusion that i cannot ever own a parrot due to multiple factors that could potentially make me an unsuitable caretaker for one - mainly how noisy they are and that they live so long and i worry about what would happen to it after i die :[ also maybe my life will get busy one day and i won't be able to provide it with the attention and love that it needs)

publishing a book to fulfill and honour my younger self's goal in life

making clocks or clockwork machines (like automata.....)

exploring an abandoned old building (there are not any that are accessible around here despite this town being rural fsdjkl), especially if it's like... an old hospital or asylum or hotel or some other large-scale building that had lots of people in it at one time

staying overnight at a haunted place

attend a live IRL figure-drawing class with an in-person model (i simply think i will never have the opportunity to do this fdjkl)

less unrealistic but still scarily difficult to achieve (though it could happen with enough hard work and/or luck):

making a pierrot costume for myself

becoming good at webdesign coding

becoming somewhat fluent in Michif

moving out of this town

owning a poodle (tempted to put this on the first list tbh)

feeling like i have a good handle on anatomy in art

owning a black bear pelt (preferably vintage) (i would look thoroughly into the practices of the company/individual if i bought it new, but i really would very much prefer something vintage so that i can give it a loving home and keep it intact for as long as possible and also possibly restore it depending on the style of taxidermy it is)

feeling like i am a decent accordionist

attend a pow-wow (tbh this is pretty achievable, i just have to get over my imposter syndrome and social anxiety)

sewing my own clothes :] (hard bc of fabric expense and quality.... otherwise i would do it in a heartbeat)

go on an airplane by myself

hold a baby (very frightening to me fsdjkl, i have had the opportunity just one single time when i was a tween but i turned it down bc i was too scared)

honestly i can't think of anything else which feels sort of sad fsdjkl like i feel like there should be more that i want to do or dream about doing but the future is so scary to think about so i haven't spent much time thinking of things i'd like to do or things i would do if i could do Anything.

i considered putting some sort of travel destinations on the first list but honestly i don't rly have any that i feel very strongly about. travelling feels very tiring and scary for me and i am a homebody at heart <3 the kind of travelling i would enjoy is if i went with somebody that i really loved and felt safe and comfortable around and if we had very specific destinations in mind, not just "ireland" but like ... "xyz pub in this specific town because they have a really friendly wolfhound" or "xyz old ruins in this specific location" or something along those lines LOL

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 48: The Blight

Concept art by Filip Štorch and shrunk down just a tad or five, rendering his signature illegible. This reread compresses lots of things - for example, I fit spoilers for the whole of The Wheel of Time into every post! If you don't like that, it's best to be somewhere else.

This chapter gives us our last new chapter icon of the book: another tree at night, but this one twisted and bent over. It's got kind of a look of a flipped Aes Sedai symbol, with the tree making up the upside down fang (appropriate since saidin got the corruption and all) while trying to obscure the upside down flame of the moon. I don't think this symbolism ever means anything, but it's fun. This kind of icon means "Blight", or occasionally the worst of the things from it.

A large steel mirror, carefully turned down, away from the sun, now, glittered atop each tower below the high iron cup where signal fires could be lit when the sun did not shine. The signal would be flashed, to towers further from the Border, and by those to still others, and so relayed to the heartland fortresses, from where the lances would ride to turn back the raid. Were times normal, they would.

I can't help but feel that this kind of set up is actually less effective than signal fires would be. You have to figure out where the sun is, hope there's no clouds in the way or that it's not too early or late in the day to catch the light, angle the mirror appropriately, and hope the people at the other side manage to catch the glint of the tower and are also able to relay it down the line. Much simpler to just have the signal fires which can be lit at any time and are easily protected from the rain. Am I crazy?

“To escort you here means we may not reach the Gap before the fighting is done. I am robbed of the chance to stand with the rest, and at the same time I am commanded not to ride one step beyond the borderpost, as if I had never before been in the Blight. And My Lord Agelmar will not tell me why.” 

If you liked fighting Trollocs so much, you shouldn't have become a Darkfriend. This is the Wheel punishing you, bub. All the other squadron commanders are gonna fight just fine cuz they're not filthy traitors to existence.

Eastward they would join other steel serpents, from Fal Moran, behind King Easar himself with his sons at his side, and from Ankor Dail, that held the Eastern Marches and guarded the Spine of the World; from Mos Shirare and Fal Sion and Camron Caan, and all the other fortresses in Shienar, great and small. Joined into a greater serpent, they would turn north to Tarwin’s Gap.

Is Jordan just describing the movements of armies here, or is he creating the imagery of the Great Serpent itself preparing to strike against those who fight to slay it?

Rand nodded. He could feel it, too, though he could not say what it was exactly he was feeling. The wrongness went beyond the first warmth he could remember out of doors this year; it was more than the simple fact that it should not be so warm this far north. It must be the Blight, but the land was the same.

Rand's Shadowsense is about as refined now as it's ever going to be.

The Shadow can only corrupt what's already there - the land's the same, there's just something wrong with the area the Shadow's claimed.

“Flowers can kill in the Blight, and leaves maim. There’s a little thing called a Stick that likes to hide where the leaves are thickest, looking like its name, waiting for something to touch it. When something does, it bites. Not poison. The juice begins to digest the Stick’s prey for it. The only thing that can save you is to cut off the arm or leg that was bitten. But a Stick won’t bite unless you touch it. Other things in the Blight will.”

Good to know that stick bugs are thriving in the post-apocalypse due to Aginor's horrible experiments.

The big youth glared at the obscene forest through which they rode as he might have at an enemy, or the banner of an enemy. He caressed the axe at his belt as if unaware of what he was doing, and muttered to himself, half growling in a way that made the hair on Rand’s neck stir.

Lan: Keep quiet or we might get killed.

Perrin: WOOF WOOF WOOF!

At least when Mat's making noises right now it's cuz he's throwing up. Get it together, Perrin. It ain't like there's wolves in the area to be encouraging you to focus on your powers.

“No two among the Ogier have found it in exactly the same place. The Green Man seems to be found where he is needed. But it has always been beyond the high passes. They are treacherous, the high passes, and haunted by creatures of the Dark One.”

Really this just makes the Green Man sound more and more like a Fantastica immigrant, since a key point of the world of The Neverending Story was that it couldn't be mapped because places didn't have spatially defined relations to one another, but instead travelers ended up where they needed to be going. I wonder if Jordan ever read the book.

For one brief instant the sun’s rays caught the shattered tops, and Rand’s breath stilled. Not hills. The broken remnants of seven towers. He was not sure if anyone else had seen it; the sight was gone as quickly as it came.

Remember what I was saying about the inefficiency of the mirror towers?

Nothing that big could live in a lake that size. Those couldn’t have been hands on those tentacles. They couldn’t have been.

Not gonna lie, the fact that our heroes never had to fight this bizarre aquatic Shadowspawn (or really any of the horrifying beasts of the far Blight) is one of the biggest disappointments of the series. And honestly as much as I'd like to blame my usual scapegoat, it's not as if Jordan did much with the Blight after this book himself.

“It is a simple thing,” she said, “a bending, so any eye looking at us sees around us, instead. We cannot have the eyes that will be out there seeing our lights tonight, and the Blight is no place to be in the dark.”

Moiraine says that it's a simple thing, but we don't actually see it get used that much. Rand picks up the trick in the mid-series, but he is of course the extreme end of the scale. I don't recall any other big instances of it getting used, which make me think that it's a simple weave geometrically but demanding of so much Fire and Air that Moiraine is one of the few modern Aes Sedai who can cast it.

“There,” Egwene said as if it were settled. “I know. I will make you my Warder, when I’m an Aes Sedai. You would like being a Warder, wouldn’t you? My Warder?” She sounded sure, but he saw the question in her eyes. She wanted an answer, needed it. “I’d like being your Warder,” he said. She’s not for you, nor you for her. Why did Min have to tell me that?

Probably because if you were hellbent on keeping Egwene's love no matter what you'd end up dying halfway through book two. Gotta love Moiraine's, "I can find shit for all of you to do in Tar Valon" claim too. That's "not technically lying" for "You all can spend five minutes getting instructions on where to go next as we march you lot through the Prophecies, then leave immediately."

The Warder was still awake, seated not far from him with his sword across his knees, watching the night. To Rand’s surprise, so was Nynaeve.

Not gonna lie, I kinda wish that every book had had a subplot that Rand (or one of the other six major characters) was completely oblivious to until right before the climax when suddenly all the subtext comes rushing to the forefront. It would have been fun.

“I will never shame you.” The gentle tone, like a caress, sounded odd to Rand’s ears in the Warder’s voice, but it made Nynaeve’s eyes brighten. “I will hate the man you choose because he is not me, and love him if he makes you smile. No woman deserves the sure knowledge of widow’s black as her brideprice, you least of all.” He set the untouched cup on the ground and rose. “I must check the horses.” Nynaeve remained there, kneeling, after he had gone. Sleep or no, Rand closed his eyes. He did not think the Wisdom would like it if he watched her cry.

The saddest thing is, at the end of the day, Nynaeve and Lan will marry and she will have the sure knowledge of widow's black. She's going to outlive him by centuries.

The other sad stuff of course includes: Lan's spent his whole life making himself miserable for no reason (he's still an amazing fighter after he and Nynaeve bang it out), he's making Nynaeve miserable for that same lack of reason, and Rand and Nynaeve don't have a relationship where he's able to comfort her in any meaningful way, so the best he can do for her is pretend that he's asleep.

Depressing chapter end, but don't worry: next time things get scary instead!

[anthonybialy]

Mob Misses

Money isn’t the only thing inflated.  Joe Biden thinks the term means its value increases, which is desirable just like it is for balloons.  A professional clown made him a squirrel.  As an amateur, he makes cash as worthless as his reputation.

The amount of sheer scumbaggery exhibited by our leader is the only thing exhibited in abundance.  America struggles to escape the influence of a limp crime boss who gets his cut from every industry.  The nation he rips off endures exactly what everyone who believes in properly-restrained government said would happen when it went unlimited.  A full-time dirtbag who rips off resources is bound to think it’s common behavior.

The messenger is suitable for the message.  Only Biden would think he’s being praised.  Exploiting authority that was never his to seize is as shameless as deciding debts don’t need to be repaid because he proclaims it.  

A criminal and criminally inept administration uncannily pimps policies that serve his crackhead brat’s shady deals. Haruspicy doesn’t require animal entrails.  Nobody can afford bacon.

Personal grift is accompanied by other kinds of overreach.  The ostensibly beneficial interference is the precise opposite, but we’d enjoy peaceful prosperity if it worked like smug dolts imagined.  Those forced to pledge allegiance don’t even get benefits out of putting up with a bumbling godfather.

It’s unsurprising that Biden family capos can’t even invent clever schemes.  Enriching himself by using a Chinese laundry is the worst sort of stereotyping.  Taking classified documents and leaving them laying about was so blatant that it seemed like a sting.  Meanwhile, his son who’s legitimate in one sense makes deals with the sort of rogues’ gathering from the opening of The Naked Gun while Daddy just happened to stop in and say hi.  Life is full of coincidences.  Don’t forget to notice the magic of the everyday.

Ineptness while corrupt will have to qualify as balance.  There’s not a pleasant aspect about Biden’s personality or results.  It’s not like he’s a jerk who gets things done, or at least good things.  Confusing activity for progress isn’t a sign that Biden is declining, as he began his political career declined.

You have to take it.  There’s never been a better case against coercion for supposed progress than a garbage presidency staffed by terrible people who are so unwilling to help others voluntarily that they can’t imagine anyone decent enough to do so.  A lack of empathy explains a lot, including why pushy liberals explain constantly that they really care.

Sucking at making anything people want is a common characteristic amongst uncommonly useless White House underlings.  A service rendered costs money, which offends defenders of thieving.  Shoplifting is flourishing just like not paying back loans.  This would be a good time to finally concede that government shouldn’t have our money or trust.

Unaffordable fuel might be by design if that assuages the inability to get anywhere more than figuratively.  You can have all the solar power you want just like the free money that somehow isn’t worth that much.  Democrats dream of taxing the Sun.

As for life on this planet, crazy prices on energy that actually makes things go keeps everyone idling.  Dystopian science fiction where everyone’s trapped inside is too rosy.  The commodity that literally fuels civilization getting more costly prompts everything else to become even pricey.  Other items don’t need the assistance.

Paying like the mob is taking its cut is something those shaken down aren’t supposed to notice.  Your precious free speech prevents your protection.  Government already hassled reflexively before we got stuck with a president who serves as the bagman for his crime family.  Nobody’s watching a mob movie that’s a documentary featuring no loyalty.

The president has done so little in so many years.  A person with a paucity of life experience as Biden is bound to think everyone else acts like he does.  Lame projection is merely one more dire consequence.  The incumbent is dedicated to service if skimming to pay his bills count.

Policies that enrich him personally are surely coincidental.  Biden sees thriving corporations with rich executives and figures government works the same.  Going soft on the commie plague-spreaders who control China because he can make a couple yuan off them at least means he’s not this weak on purpose.

The most painfully obvious abuse comes naturally to a sleaze who got into government in lieu of learning skills.  Possessing endless examples of why to properly limit the executive branch isn’t worth today’s misery.

Being a prototypical politician is not a compliment.  The incumbent cant even fake well.  A guy who’s spent his life preparing for this role bumbles in a way that’d make trainees shake their heads.  The head of state is the worst at the only thing he knows.  Biden’s last boss Barack Obama and the male in the Clinton marriage could at least con suckers into thinking they cared.  

It’s not like we can exactly say the economy’s terrific.  Finding a dollar that’s worth something is as tricky as identifying an honest one Hunter’s made.  We endure an awful business environment in a diminished America, by at least the president’s unscrupulous.  Biden can’t sympathize with your bitching while he’s doing so well.

[joeeatsdvds]

Elemental

hey look it’s me posting a non-christmas film review that’s kinda crazy! anyways i saw this film today because i’ve been meaning to and now’s the perfect time with it leaving cinemas in a matter of days.

there’ll be spoilers under the cut for Elemental in this review!

for anybody who doesn’t know of Pixar’s ‘Elemental’ is the 27th feature film to be produced by the studio and being directed by Peter Sohn (also known for directing ‘The Good Dinosaur’, another Pixar film and a Pixar short ‘Partly Cloudy’).

‘Elemental’ when it was first teased to audiences received some criticism for how it looked, i would know because i was one of those people. though unlike the other people who were complaining i was simply sick of watching the trailer after months of it being shoved down my throat at every trailer showing at the cinema, on instagram sponsored posts, youtube ads and even a few ads on some mobile games. after the film came out though this seized mostly so my opinion once again became neutral of the elements and their element city.

originally lined up to be released in the uk at the same time as the us release the film was delayed until july 7th. upon its release the film was a flop and not doing very well at all earning it the title of Pixar’s lowest grossing movie in the box office on opening weekend. however ‘Elemental’ made a come back in the coming weeks making a splash in the overseas market when it released outside of the us. there was a lot of negative press surrounding the film when it came out however stating it was “the death of pixar” and being called “woke” for the inclusion of the studio’s first non-binary character who barely actually features on screen. reviews were harsh to say the least. things seem to have softened now though and so time for my opinions on the matter at hand, the film.

i do have my complaints about my experience but those aren’t actually anything to do with the film more about having to sit next to some random child for the whole movie + opening short.

before i go into the actual film i want to quickly talk about that teaser, the first glimpse at the world of element city, and where we meet our main two characters Wade and Ember. well scrap everything you know about that because that doesn’t actually happen in the film. both Wade and Ember do in fact go on a train and some of the stuff that happens in the teaser do happen in the film but that meet cute between Wade and Ember that you see where Ember’s headphones are knocked to the ground and both her and Wade go to pick them up at the same time? doesn’t happen lol. i get that they didn’t include this in the film because it wouldn’t make sense within the context of the film and the teaser was just to give you the faintest glimpse at the world and characters. Ember is very hesitant to even follow Wade onto the train in the actual film and when she’s on the train trying to find where he went she’s very cautious of those around her and one could say she’s even scared (as stated in the film by Ember herself she doesn’t like going outside of fire town because element city isn’t built with fire people in mind and she has everything she needs in fire town). also another complaint is that i don’t remember them introducing themselves to each other properly in the film but that might just be my brain forgetting that little unimportant detail.

something i question about the theatrical poster that was used (in the uk at least) is the inclusion of random irrelevant characters. sure you have Ember, Wade, Clod and Gale up at the top but why are Marco and Polo there? Lutz too. and the rest of the characters featured are all seen in the previously mentioned teaser and really aren’t that relevant at all in the final final.

the animation in this film was wild! everything is so polished and the rendering is just beautiful. i loved the little details of each of the elemental people. my favourites were the water people for sure and i especially loved the water bubbles present throughout their bodies that come and go throughout the film. the setting for the film worked really well with it all feeling colourful and lively with the colours of elemental city and fire town contrasting each other but eventually at the end of the film after fire town is rebuilt and the other elements begin to mix in with the residents of fire town more you can see more colours as they begin to harmonise together. my favourite scene has to be the scene of all of the flowers blooming as Wade and Ember swim around the tree it was truly spectacular!

the film’s story at its core is about the experience of being a child born to immigrant parents and the challenge of trying to fill the shoes of your parents who worked so hard to give you a good life and sacrificed everything to do so. i won’t go too in depth on this because i’m not the one to talk about this because i haven’t experienced any of that, i can’t begin to imagine what those emotions must feel like but i can sympathise with them and understand as an outsider. the film also features xenophobia between the different elemental people with most of it being prejudice against fire people, “elements can’t mix” is something that’s repeated several times throughout the film but it’s not until Wade and Ember touch each other’s hands for the first time is it found that elements can indeed mix. these core parts of the film’s story come from Sohn’s own personal experiences being born to Korean immigrant parents, growing up in new york during the 70s and marrying outside of the korean culture he was brought up in.

i appreciate that Ember was able to come to the realisation that running her dad’s shop wasn’t what she wanted to do with her life and that it wasn’t her dream. and i also appreciate that her father was accepting of that and that the shop was never the dream it was Ember herself who was the dream, she was everything that they had worked for. i’m glad that in the end both Ember and her father got happy endings as Ember gets to follow her passion of glass making and her father gets to retire from working the shop everyday.

as for Ember and Wade’s relationship (a major part of the film) they’re cute together. they genuinely want to be around each other and despite their elemental differences and being total opposites they make it work because they make each other happy. they go against the long standing “elements don’t mix” that they were taught and they show everybody that they can. i didn’t really feel too strongly for the pair of them initially (though to be fair it did start with Wade writing every code violation the store came under and Ember desperately trying to get the notebook back from him before he could ruin the family business) but they grew on me. i didn’t enjoy the kiss scene but that’s just a personal thing that i don’t like seeing in movies there’s nothing inherently bad about it. it was funny seeing all the kids in the cinema’s reactions to it though.

there were some iffy jokes in there that i didn’t think we’re very funny and more felt simply weird. of course obligatory mention of the “just a bit of pruning” joke but also the “hanky panky” joke at the end when Ember and her dad are saying goodbye. that last one just confused me like are they allowed to say that in a kids a film?

my favourite character in this movie is no doubt this one water person from the first teaser who as far as i’m aware isn’t present in the final film (or at least i couldn’t spot them that is)

rest in peace to this one water person in particular.

before i wrap this review up i just want to say that prior to seeing the film in my graphic communications class me and my friend were redesigning film posters and originally my friend made a poster entirely consisting of Gale and only Gale. it was a very low quality collection of Gale images as the film was just out in america. very funny considering that they just kept on using the same model for her in all of the promotional art that features her including the theatrical poster featured at the start of this post. gotta love that big smile and vacant stare, it truly looks like there isn’t a thought behind those eyes.

jokes of Gale aside i think that ‘Elemental’ is a good little film that (except for the weird jokes) did a good job of portraying the message it wanted to portray. the way that the world building was set up makes it feel like Disney/Pixar is going to milk a few more films or shorts or series out of it but personally i think that this film is good enough on its own. i really don’t think it needs a sequel but disney will be disney and no doubt there’ll be something else on the horizon if they deem it a big enough success.

overall i’d rate this film a ★★★ and a half stars out of five!

[cyclament]

Spirited Away | Bathhouse, No face

June 2023 - October 30, 2024

~June - July 2023 - Preliminary Sketch in Krita

October 10, 2024 - Transfer to IbisPaint

October 29-30, 2024 - Majority of the illustrating process

Time: 19:58 Krita + IbisPaintX

This has been in the works for a looong time. Making posters out of it for Anifest finally gave me the motivation to work on it. Really surprised I got it done in time, too.

I think it's so magical to be able to go back to a wip like this and actually finish it. Not everything has to stay unfinished and I like collecting my wips in the event like something like this happens. A burst of motivation years later.

Anyways, 3-point perspective (which I have little experience with) of a very complicated building with hard-to-come-by ref pics?!?!! ...Yeah, I like throwing myself into the deep end with new things (see: MIA poster).

The 3-point perspective was so damned hard. Out of the 20 hours I put into this on IbisPaintX (which doesn't include my first struggles with it in Krita), ~6h was for sketching because it was killinggg me. I also went back and forth with IbisPaint and Krita during the sketching phase because it was a REAL struggle.

(Also I downloaded the mp4 video to check the above times (the video was bugged and would freeze at ~1.5h in IbisPaint) and encoding it took over an hour 💀))

I just kept fucking up the perspective. Idek how because I was using the perspective tools but it kept happening (I think I was accidentally shifting them in IbisPaintX so it was ruining me) (also that's one thing that Krita is actually better at. while their process to set up the rulers is much more complicated, you can use them all simultaneously. having to switch btwn them in ibispaint was making me go crazy) especially for the curved roof bits. Those underwent a loooot of revisions.

Rendering it was really fun, spent practically all my time out of lecs to work on this before the deadline to send the poster designs off to get printed.

Actually really proud of myself for this one. I especially like the gold bits

[ranboo5]

The world around Leaderboards breathes.

Breathing with it does not hurt.

-

The Beginner’s Guide, 2015 // Sanctuary + Fellowship Hall, Terrytown // Brian Magnier

-

My @mcytblraufest gift for @moonblanche !!!!!

So sorry for posting so close to the deadline; I was hit with some unexpected delays ^^” Anyway, I saw that you were one of my five fellow MCSR askers and also that you were partial to Tubbo, so...

Well, then I got a little carried away.

I hope you like it!! I had a TON of fun concepting, drawing for, and assembling this, and I ended up making a lot of art I’m quite proud of. I am saur happy with how my varying runner designs turned out in these I truly am

Continuations for the cut off transcripts of writing and some more (extremely rambling) commentary under the cut!

...with a much steeper time than what’s pictured.

...doesn’t come from fear. It can’t come from fear.

- 

So the premise of this AU if it isn’t obvious is that Tubbo is isekai’d into the distributed society of the basically-monk-order of speedrunners loosely organized around Leaderboards, the closest thing there is to an authority, and over the course of his Wacky Adventures, Tubbo learns that meaningful striving for improvement and being part of something larger than yourself doesn’t have to hurt. After meeting Pres. Poundcake, who carries the title (a title Tubbo obviously associates a lot of baggage with) like it’s nothing – because, of course, in the world around Leaderboards it basically is – and learning that neither that title nor the man’s visions can help him orient himself, Tubbo goes to investigate this supposed central hub, only to find that it’s supposedly slow and outdated. Tubbo drifts around trying to decipher how these Verifiers deal with this backlog until he ends up hanging out with Feinberg, undisputed king of AA, who appears at first glance to be doing something Tubbo is familiar with the concept of – securing his supremacy with ever-escalating shows of domination. But one way or the other it turns out the drive isn’t fear. Tubbo has an answer about the meaning of Leaderboards’ apparent hierarchy, buzzing in his hands like a crumbling trident full of lightning.

He doesn’t know what to make of it.

Couriway helps, though. Back from a short-lived excursion into a survival world and one thousand runs that would never make the top of Leaderboards’ towers like his runs once did. Achievement is a strange thing. To make and to improve is a strange thing. To be part of something stranger yet. The brutality of it that Tubbo has known is not the default. There is something more to it, and it is in that that one can at once not be alone and not be consumed.

And, well, the world around Leaderboards breathes, and breathing with it does not hurt.

Drawing these was an Experience Ever. I might upload the timelapse later or something because Jesus Christ I spent 30 years on some of these...

I actually drew them in reverse order from how they appear! I had a lot of trouble getting a clear image for the first one with Pres. Poundcake, and the last one was conversely extremely vivid for me, so I just went ham. It was a pretty simple concept, and I wanted to capture a Feeling, so I decided to go crazy go stupid on painting it, which took easily longer than both the other two put together but ended up alright! Rendering all those trees was worth it lmao

It also helped me figure out what I wanted to do with the others – I tried to compose these so that Tubbo and the runner he’s drawn with would have, like, a diagonal progression down the page. I don’t know how well it comes across but I did it which I’m counting as a win

The second one I easily spent the least time on the environment of but I got to have one of my favorite designs be the star of the show. It was also very much the most fun to light and I’m quite happy with how it ended up! This one had to be dynamically lined in contrast to the Couriway one’s painting, which was mostly a lovely time except for the lightning... worth it however. This is the best my Fein design has ever looked I must say; I hope everyone understands now when I say FEINBERG MANTIS SHRIMP MECHA AGENDA WILL NEVER DIE

The one with Poundcake I had to do in, basically, crunch time (due to aforesaid delays), so I couldn’t spend 30 years lining and coloring it, and from the start it was always planned to be the least ambitious image anyway, but nevertheless I wanted to make it look nice/special and interesting to look at. I’ve come to quite like Pres. Poundcake as a streamer in the past little while and I wanted to have the drawing with his fictionalized avatar be fun, yk? So to compromise this out I decided to experiment a little and go with this picture-book vibe. I had some fun with the brushes, and since Pres. Poundcake is Tubbo’s introduction to the world, I paid the most attention to actually drawing an interesting environment for this one, too, or trying to lmao

I have talked for much too long but you must understand I tryharded this ridiculously hard so I have a lot to say dhsfdhjfjsdfh