#well. im not really dealing with it actually. and thats kind of the problem

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Hey babe are you okay? You've been listening to Pirate Radio by Jean Dawson on repeat for the last hour with no signs of stopping.

[sonknuxadow]

they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

[miya-rin]

“what the fuck do you two think youre doing?”

shit, you think, you didnt notice the balcony door had been slid open until you heard the voice of one of your brothers. you start to pull away from suna’s lips which earns you a small whine from his end, his grip tightens around you and honestly it its quite cute the way he is trying so hard to savour the moment. “come back later, we’re kinda busy.” the boy mutters before trying to move your face away from the distraction so that he can kiss you once more.

“suna you get your hands off of her right now, i dont give a fuck that its your birthday.” osamu pipes up, he looks furious and a little bit disgusted, if it hadnt been for the situation youre in right now you would think its kind of funny.

“samu lay off him, it was a mutual agreement, im just as guilty as he is ok?” that does not seem to help the boys understand, if anything they seem even more angry with you both.

“what the fuck do you mean it was a mutual agreement? are you two hooking up or something? yn he just turned 18 a few hours ago are you forgetting that?” atsumu says, he is rambling on with every excuse he can think of as to why this is “so wrong”, from the corner of your eye you can see suna trying so very hard to hide the grin that is creeping its way onto his face, his hands still all over you despite the fact that you arent alone anymore.

“listen, it was his birthday wish ok? i swear it didn’t mean anything,” sunas grip begins to loosen ever so slightly, “i just though it would get him off my back and get him over his little crush on me.” suna’s facial expression shifts but you choose to ignore it, you have bigger problems to deal with at the moment.

“no this is not ok, how would you feel if me or samu kissed one of your friends because it was their birthday wish?”

“that’s different, why would my friends want to kiss either of you?”

“excuse me? ill have you know that many women want to kiss me! and dont think youre getting off the hook either suna, ill make sure you never-“ you dont even want to hear the threat that is about to come out of his mouth, you just want to get out of this shitty situation.

“boys please, just give us five minutes to talk and then we will be back inside ok? i promise.” your efforts to plead with your brothers finally work.

“…fine,” atsumu mumbles, “but this better be a one time thing. im not gonna deal with you two being all lovey dovey around me.” and with that he lightly tugs on osamu’s sleeve, signalling him to walk back inside and continue the party. he closes the balcony door but not before bringing two fingers up to his eyes and then pointing them at the two of you. its a warning.

you turn back to suna and notice the sad look on his face - he looks kinda cute like this, “so, what do-“.

“did you really mean what you just said to them?” the poor boy looks heartbroken, after waiting three years to finally have a chance with the girl he loves wants the moment is ruined like that? “did you actually just do that so i would leave you alone?” his hands fully leave your body now and he takes a step back to put some distance between you two.

“well i mean sort of yeah… ive never looked at you in any way other than my brothers best friend if im going to be honest, i dont know if thats because of the age difference or what but ive never thought we could be anything.” the look of hurt is prominent on his face no matter how hard he tries to hide it, normally playful banter would have been thrown back and forth between the two of you but rintarou just stays silent, an indication that youve fucked up.

“listen suna i dont know what you want me to say, i wasnt really thinking when i said that to atsumu it just came out. i am 4 years older than you and many people would not approve of us if i decided to give you a chance.”

“who cares? i could treat you so right if you would just let me. i have waited entirely too long for this moment, all im asking for is one date.”

“you said that about the kiss too, one thing is never enough with you is it? you always need more.” a playful smile creeps onto your face which is outshined by the one on sunas, he knows that your smile means that you agree to go on a date with him.

“i really hope you arent fucking with me right now, that would be so cruel, especially on my birthday.”

“oh give the birthday excuse a rest now will you? you dont need to keep on at me you have already got what you want.”

“mhm i absolutely have,” he walks closer and once again wraps his arms around you, placing a hand under your jawbone to make you look up at him, “and i couldnt be happier.” he states as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss once more <3

[starrybl1ss]

Enchanting secrets ✧˖°.

★senior/quidditch captain/slytherin!ellie williams x senior/gryffindor!reader ★warnings: making out lol, swearing, (smut in part 2 that is complete link below) ★inspo: so basically yk the drarry ships?? this is kinda basically it but with ellie & reader and the hogwarts!ellie headcannons ★please read! harry potter fans please don't come at me because the timeline of this fic is probably not accurate from the books and movies. and yes, i did watch the movie but im not really in the fandom that much so i did as much as researching as i could.

Hogwarts has been a big journey for you and all the wacky magical things happening. as now you are in senior year, the last year in hogwarts, after that you'll have do the N.E.W.T.s test that is known to be increadibly difficult.

Your really nervous, luckly your friend, Dina is a fellow gryffindor as well. And she's a smart student.

You really want to do well in the test. magic isn't as easy as flickering a wand in the air and boom! your a frog. Its much more complex than that. theory or practice, its hard.

Your now in the library with Dina, studying your ass off. its quite stressful with all the subjects.

Tomorrow is the quidditch match. your house versus slytherin. you can't wait to watch it. its always so much fun watching quidditch. you never really liked playing quidditch since it all looks so exhausting and dangerous, not like hogwarts is not itself. but you rather focus on your studies.

"Dina, im going back. real tired. you coming?" you ask the black haired girl. "Yeah all go back after its actually time for students to get back and sleep" she replied. "Cya" you left the library grabbing your books.

You walk all along the school corridors and went on the anoyying stairs that always move to a different place. its still quite busy. but only with all the seniors. running up and down.

You suddenly bump into someone. an auburn haired girl making you drop your book. "shit, sorry let me get them for you" she bent down to your knees grabbing the books you dropped.

The girl hands out the books back to you. "thanks... ellie?" you thank her while a bit skeptical if thats her name. "no problem" she replied and continues walking down the stairs.

You were right, Ellie williams. captain of the slytherin quidditch team. You see her a lot. she's a big deal. the some what 'anoyying' quidditch captain that always makes their team win in quidditch the past years shes been in hogwarts.

You continue walking up the stairs towards the 'fat lady' painting. You stood infront of the painting. "fibbertigibbet" you said as the painting opened and you step in.

Your basically the first senior to enter since everybody was busy studying while you cant take it anymore. you were too sleepy. so you changed in to your pyjamas and went to bed

꒰୨🔮୧꒱

Your sleep was interrupted by Dina. "wake upppp, it's already time for brekfast!" she shook your unconcious body. you quicky open your eyes and saw that it is perfectly 7.30 in the morning.

Your sleep felt so quick. "wait up, im gonna get dress" you got up and dressed up as Dina waited in the common room.

"Let's go Deen" you went outside the gryffindor house and quickly went down the stairs to the great hall where brekfast is served until around 8.

You went ahead and sat down and grabbed the food you wanted. chicken, again. your kind of obsessed with eating chicken by now.

You glaired at the slytherin table where you saw, ellie williams again. for some reason, since you two bumped to eachother on the stairs, you couldnt seem to get her of your mind.

Dina waved her hand infront of your face trying to stop you from zoning out and daydreaming too much. "who's the lucky guy your gonna take to dance after the exam?" Dina looks at you hoping you already have a guy to take out to the last senior prom.

"Oh uh, dunno" you slightly shook your head. "who we're you looking at anyways?" she asks curiously. "no one, just uhh.. someone that helped me grab my books when we bumped into eachother last night"

"see? i dont think thats a 'no one' after all! who is it?" she shook your shoulder excitedly. "a girl... you know? slytherin's quidditch captain?" you said nervously.

"are you kidding? ellie? you mean ellie williams? she's bad news!-" Dina said out loudly as you stopped her to make her a little more quite since there was a lot of people looking at you two.

"My god, she's so anoyying! she's our rival y/n!" she looks at you. "i knowww, but-" you stopped talking trying to think what to say next.

"but what? okay, i could quickly find you a good looking, smart, green flag gryffindor guy in a minute! it'll be easy, almost every gryffindor wants you. not to meantion, a lot of other boys from other houses would want you"

"i'll just worry about it later, whats the point of having a 'guy' that wants you but you don't want them anyways?"

꒰୨🔮୧꒱

You couln't focus the whole time in potions. you kept having your eyes on ellie making it difficult. you exited the class and went towards the bathroom to wash your face.

You went inside hearing someone crying and ofcourse it is moaning myrtle. the ghost who haunts the girls bathroom.

You saw another girl infront of the sink. you got closer and it was ellie. god, you meet her everywhere. you went to the sink next to her as you turned on the faucet.

Ellie looks at you "hey, never really catched your name last night" slightly tilting her head. "I- im- uh, y/n" you introduced yourself.

"nice meeting you"

"y-you too!" you said nervously.

"whats your next class y/n?" god, she said your name making you blush a little. suprised that she brought up a conversation. "defence againts the dark arts" you replied.

She looks at you while not sayying a thing. just admiring your face making your heart skip a beat. you couldn't handle the tension anymore.

"i should get to clas-" you stepped a bit further from her but she grabbed your left arm. "the teacher wouldn't mind you being late right?" she said teasingly.

"y-yeah he wouldn't min-" suddenly ellie pulls you in a kiss. fuck, you didn't know this would happen so quickly. you kissed her back. her hands on your waist.

"c-can we a go somewhere a little more private? Just incase...-" ellie grabs you and puts you two in one of the stalls locking the door from behind.

She pins you to the door and started giving you hickeys on your neck with you letting out choked up moans as she lifts up your sweater.

You hear someone sniffing, moaning myrtle. "Looks like things are getting a little too spicy in here. you stupid kids forgot i haunt this place? Jeez, get out!"

Shit, you totally forgot about her being her- fuck! Your missing out on professor lupin's class!

"El- ellie im missing class i should go-" you push her back a little. "See you after the match?" You nod as you went outside the stall

You ran around the corridor. 14 minutes late into proffesor lupin's class. luckly it was him teaching so he didn't make a fuss about you being late and you just said you were in the bathroom constapated as hell and he led that slide without you telling him you hooked up with the slytherin quidditch captain.

"were you that constipated? your lucky proffesor lupin isn't absent or you'd be in hell!" Dina did made a fuss about it.

You rolled your eyes and continued writing in your notebook.

꒰୨🔮୧꒱

This evening the weather is perfect. Not too hot, a bit cloudy but no sign of rain. The quidditch match had begun 15 minutes ago.

Slytherin are currently in the lead. Brooms going back and forth in lightning speed.

You could care less about the match, you were drunk in love admiring ellie on her broomstick. She was your house biggest rival!

Your mouth accidently slipped "Go ell-!" Dina looks at you confused. "Shes our rival! Snap out of it!" You stayed silent gazing at ellie like your some dumb 12 year old thats so drunkly inlove.

꒰୨🔮୧꒱

The match has ended with slytherin, again. everybody went back inside the school corridor as the slytherin kids all cheered for ellie and her team.

you were completely starstruck by her. shes so... mesmorizing its driving you insane.

suddenly you felt someones arm touching yours in the crowd. you looked at your left to see... ew! its that icky popular gryffindor guy that cant seem to get your hands off you.

"hey, i was wondering if you'd want to come to the dance with m-" you cut off his words. "sorry, fully booked" you tilt your head with a smug face.

You were lying, theres been a lot of guys asking you but you just rejected all of them.

You walked away from him without looking back. as the corridor got a little less hectic, ellie approaches you. "hey, about that..." she stopped. "would you go to the yule ball with me after the exam? any chance? you already got someone... dont you?"

You giggled "i don't, ellie" you smile. she smiled back at you and pulled you in for a kiss infront of people including dina.

꒰୨🔮୧꒱

★read please!

HIIII soooo its donee, sorry if i misspelt stuff. ik the pole i did alotta people voted for smut but i wanted this one to be clean???? so if you want to read the next part (that has smut) you can read it here!

lmk if you wanna see the yule ball part after the n.e.w.t.s!

[myballsyourballs]

so i see that requests are openn!! my first time requesting so please correct me if i said anything wrongjehd, i want one loonng fic (if u can obv) abt reader ranting to kaeya because she is rlly close to him (and she is dating diluc btw no romantic feelings between kaeya and reader) abt how she feels like she isn't good enough or at diluc's level and thinks it's unfair for diluc for her to stick with him and diluc overhears everything and they go back to dawn winery and have a long angsty chat and comforts reader. THATS IT IDK IF IM MAKING SENSE, you can totally ignore this if you don't want to write it ofc <3

far from perfection

diluc x fem! reader

genre: angst/fluff imagine

notes: sorry this wasn't very angsty- im not in a very angsty mood rn</3

synopsis: reader is a little insecure about her relationship with diluc. she confides in kaeya, and diluc overhears.

masterlist | make a request

“Kaeya?”

“Hey,” the man in question pauses in his writing, glancing up at you with a smile. Kaeya resumes his paperwork for a brief moment, before ending the sentence he was writing with a flamboyant underline. “What’s up?” He kicks his feet onto the desk, crossing his legs at the ankles.

You sigh, slumping into the chair opposite him. “I feel like shit."

Kaeya raises a gloved hand to cover his growing smirk. "I can see that."

You frown, glaring at the cavalry captain. "I'm serious."

"Got it," Kaeya murmurs, expression switching to amused into something sincere. "What happened? Trouble in paradise?"

At the sight of your now melancholic-like expression, he sighs gently. Guess he hit the nail on the head. "What'd he do this time?"

"What?" your face morphs into confusion for a moment. It's such a foreign, alien idea that Diluc could have ever done something to upset you. "No, nothing. Diluc is perfect..."

You trail off.

Kaeya stares expectantly.

"Well that-- that's sort of the problem. Diluc is... too perfect."

The man in front of you raises his eyebrows sarcastically, looking at you like you just read the entirety of the Gliding Manual aloud and he was forced to listen. "I really don't want to hear you yammer on about how much you like Diluc. Spare me, please."

You groan, "That's not it." Your hands drag down your face, your slight irritation verging on exasperation. Kaeya gives good advice, but it’s hard to actually get that advice when he never stops talking.

"Then what is 'it'?"

"I'm not good enough for him. He's so amazing and I'm just... me."

Kaeya's eyes flicker with realisation before he moves into disbelief. "Seriously? Diluc is mediocre at best. You, on the other hand, are great. I'm very picky with those I associate with. You being one of my closest friends is not something to take lightly."

"Friends isn't even close to partners," you mutter, eyes downcast. "You're missing the point. I'm not good enough for him. That's fact, and I don't know how I should deal with it."

"How? How are you not good enough for him?" Kaeya asks, merely confused at this point. He couldn't really fathom how you could see yourself like that.

“He’s so out of my league— I mean, he’s the owner of this incredible winery, he makes up more than half of Mondstadt’s entire alcohol industry, owns a tavern, he can bartend, he’s the wealthiest guy in this region, he’s selfless, kind and sweet and— and not to mention — he’s a literal hero!” you furrowed your brows, voice cracking near the end of your little spiel. “I don’t— how do I even come close to living up to that?”

Kaeya looks mildly surprised, albeit slightly sad. “You don’t have to. You’re his lover. And—”

“But I shouldn’t be!” you shake your head, eyes watering in frustration. He didn't get it. “Diluc is perfect! And I couldn’t be farther from that…”

Kaeya sighs. You hear the floorboards creak as he moves to sit next to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “Now, I have no idea what got these thoughts in your head, but they’re irrelevant. Diluc is really not that perfect—”

“Yes, he is. It’s completely unfair to Diluc for me to stick with him,” you mumble, throat dry. “I’m not good enough.”

“Hey, now,” Kaeya chastises. “I, for one, think you’re fantastic. Diluc, as… mediocre of a brother he is, makes some good choices. And one of them was choosing you to be his partner,” he pauses, letting the words sink in before beginning to speak again.

“Not to mention, Diluc is his own person with his own free-will. You don’t get to decide whether he wants you or not, he does. And he’d be an idiot not to want you. Given he’s still in a relationship with you, I guarantee a lack of want isn’t the case.”

That gets you thinking. Whilst on some degree, Kaeya is making sense — everyone makes mistakes. Diluc, as perfect as he is, isn’t exempt from that. A slip in judgement, or simply not thinking things through could've caused this situation. A situation that, in Diluc’s mind, could be one that he thinks he’s trapped in. Breaking up with you could hurt his relationship with Kaeya even more, given the two of you are friends. This then makes him trapped, in a sense. Right?

You settle into a somber silence, Kaeya's hand rubbing gentle circles on your back.

"I really..." don't think that's true. Not like you were gonna say that, though. Kaeya was already dealing with a lot already -- you interrupting his time to do paperwork just so you could rant was enough.

"You really...?"

"I... ah, thank you. I really wanna thank you. You're a good friend, Kaeya."

The cavalry captain smiles, "Of course I am. I'm the best."

You chuckle, looking away. A beat passes. "I should head back, shouldn't I?"

Kaeya hums, nodding his head gently. "Probably," He moves from his spot next to you and settles back into his desk chair, sighing. Blue hair sways as he hangs his head back, eyes sliding shut.

Taking that as your cue to leave, you stand, plastering on a bright smile. "Thanks again, Kaeya.”

Kaeya’s eyes meet yours for a beat, narrowing in suspicion at your sudden change in mood. "…Anytime."

The atmosphere feels odd when you walk into the Dawn Winery.

“Diluc?” you call.

“Was that true?”

His voice responds. You look towards him. He’s got his back towards you, leaning casually on a chair with his arms crossed. His shoulders are still.

Diluc seems solemn. He still won’t face you.

“Was wha—”

“Do you really believe that? That you’re such a burden to me?” He turns his head to face you slightly.

Your body stills. You almost wait for him to clarify if he overheard your conversation with Kaeya, but it's a clear guarantee that he has. Diluc’s eyes are looking everywhere but at yours.

“Oh. That. Uh,” your lip trembles slightly, “Yeah, I do think that. B—But it’s not your fault! And, you know, it’s alright if you want to break up with—”

“How could you say that?” Diluc whispers. His eyes finally meet yours. It’s a startling sight; eyes red-rimmed and brows furrowed with such emotion. Diluc never loses his cool. Not even in front of you. “You mean everything to me. You could never be a problem, nor a burden to me. I am… not all that perfect. Not as much as you make me out to be. Don’t compare yourself to the likes of me,” he pauses, contemplative. His brows knit together further, fingers clenching and unclenching at his sides. He chuckles dryly, “You’ll only disappoint yourself.”

"You are perfect, though. It's--"

"No, I'm not. That’s delusional.”

You flinch back.

“No, that’s not what I—” he rubs a hand on his temple, “That’s exactly what I mean. Sometimes I say the wrong thing, or make the wrong choice. My money and wealth doesn’t make me better. I’m still… me. Nobody’s perfect. Especially not me.”

“But… that—”

“There’s no use trying to disagree. I am not perfect. Neither are you. Nor anyone else.”

You purse your lips, avoiding his eyes. You can hear his heavy boots approaching you, his clothing rustling and buckles clinking.

“…You don’t get it, Diluc.”

He hums, “Enlighten me, then. What don’t I get?”

“I’m not good enough for you. You deserve someone better,” you sigh, “You might not be perfect, but in my mind, and everyone else’s, you are damn near close. I’m not worth it. I’m probably one of the worst picks for you and you don’t even know it--”

“--I do know that you’re one of the best picks for me. And I think that I, as an independent adult man, would know what’s good for me. I know what I want,” Diluc pauses, grabbing your hands with glove-clad fingers, “and I want you. No one else. Just you.”

You pursed your lips. "Surely--"

"No. There are no exceptions, no 'but's, no nothing. I want you," he clenches his jaw, "only you."

"...You aren't staying with me just to keep on good terms with Kaeya, right?"

"What? No," Diluc sighs again, exasperated. He goes silent for a bit -- as if considering what to say that will convince you. "A baby is able to cry when they want food, or reach out when they want affection. If a baby can figure out what they want, why can't I?"

"Diluc, that isn't the same at all--"

"[Y/N]. It doesn't matter. Stop arguing with me. You will not win."

"Yeah, but a baby--"

"[Y/N]."

"--doesn't have complex desires like--"

"[Y/N]."

"Okay, fine."

[paingoes]

Rubies

Communication

authors note: kitty uses the word ‘nonverbal’ here in a way that isnt really medically accurate. thats kind of a whole discussion im not gonna get into now but tl;dr delta has selective mutism and autism but he isnt “nonverbal” per se.

(Content: living weapon whumpee, discussion of past captivity, past abuse, discussion of war, (internalized) abuse apologism, dehumanization, emotional whump)

================

katkittykat: hiiiiii :3c

nodiving: hey

He glanced over the top of his laptop screen, across the room where Kitty was curled up on the armchair. She flashed her teeth at him when she smiled. Her nails clicked against the keys when she typed.

katkittykat: this is so smart lowk idk why i didnt think of it sooner

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: i’ve seriously been drafting forum arguments in my head this entire time

nodiving: all of them probably think they won just cause i termed

nodiving: would it be weird if i just pick them back up like nothing happened

katkittykat: ya u might have to let those go tbh

nodiving: :/

It was very hard to type with the cast on. It took him much longer to write than it normally would. Luckily, she didn’t interrupt until she heard the typing stop.

katkittykat: so like whats the deal w u

katkittykat: are u not talking cause ur scared to?

nodiving: no

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: its not that im scared necessarily its just that its very very unnatural for me 

nodiving: it still feels rude and overfamiliar to me even if i know you dont see it that way

nodiving: this is a lot easier thank you

katkittykat: you dont have to talk if it’s uncomfortable !!!

katkittykat: its cool if ur nonverbal we can just keep texting like dis

nodiving: i think i do want to though

nodiving: its just hard

nodiving: please dont like…stop talking to me

nodiving: im trying

katkittykat: u will have to deal w us talking to u FUREVER !!!! >:3c

nodiving: <3

katkittykat: aaaaaaaah <33333

He hesitated a long time before typing the next message.

nodiving: do you think i should have stayed

katkittykat: what???? D:

nodiving: on a purely strategic level it seems like this was not the most optimal outcome

katkittykat: urghhhh 

katkittykat: well on a ~purely strategic level~ im not the best person to ask tbh

katkittykat: like im ngl galatea was NOT prepared for sudden reunification and thats why levon is so pissed at us X)

katkittykat: but it would have been hard no matter what and if the war had gone on we wouldve had to fight along 2 different fronts which is also noooooot good

katkittykat: and if we had to do that. we would have had to fight you! which would have been v v v not good  X(

katkittykat: so idk if there was really a better outcome? and even if there was like

katkittykat: its not ur problem

katkittykat: ur not just a chess piece to be moved around

nodiving: i kind of am though

nodiving: theres obviously been a huge fallout because of this and it feels wrong to write all of it off just because of. my rights or whatever.

nodiving: i feel like i kind of jumped the gun leaving when i did

katkittykat: aw jeez :(

katkittykat: i was curious abt that tbh i assumed there was some final straw for u but i didnt wanna pry obvs

katkittykat: seems like it was bad ?

nodiving: i dont know 

nodiving: i was more scared by the escalation it represented than anything that actually happened so i feel like i may have overreacted a little bit

nodiving: its hard to explain

katkittykat: ur ok! u can talk abt it when ur ready

katkittykat: but fwiw i really doubt you overreacted

nodiving: thank you

katkittykat: if anythin u seem to be kinda? downplaying it????

nodiving: it really wasnt that bad

nodiving: i could have gone longer

katkittykat: idk delta it kinda seems that bad

katkittykat: i think u got used to it

katkittykat: but that doesnt mean it wasnt bad

He gave her a nervous glance from across the room, his hands stilling on the keyboard. He reluctantly began to type again.

nodiving: did you say i didnt have to talk about it

katkittykat: yes!!!! mb

katkittykat: do u wanna play league omg we actually have time now

nodiving: yessssss

===========

nodiving: hi

sunspot: Hi Delta!!!! :)

sunspot: How are you !!!!

nodiving: im ok

nodiving: im sorry i was such a dick to you before 

nodiving: i was looking at the old messages again i feel really bad

sunspot: No you’re totally good! We were being really pushy i get why you were upset

sunspot: We were just worried for you honestly even when we didnt know you that well

sunspot: It was scary when you would just disappear for weeks at a time like that

sunspot: We just wanted to make sure you were safe

sunspot: Still do!

nodiving: thank you 

nodiving: i was scared too

nodiving: can i ask you something

sunspot: Yes please!!!! Yes I thought youd never ask!!!!

nodiving: is levon going to kill me

sunspot: Oh no

sunspot: He explicitly promised me not to

sunspot: Delta please do not tell me you have been worrying about that this entire time

nodiving: it stood out as a distinct possibility 

sunspot: Didnt he promise he wouldnt hurt you?

nodiving: yes

nodiving: you understand why i may be a bit hesitant to take him at his word

sunspot: Yes I guess thats our bad 

sunspot: But i really don’t think he wants that for you

sunspot: Do you think he’d wait for you to heal just to kill you at the end?

nodiving: not sure

sunspot: That was rhetorical! The answer was no.

nodiving: then what

sunspot: a good question

sunspot: I wish I had an answer for you and I really cant apologize enough for putting you in this situation but I'm afraid it could get very messy for a little while

nodiving: messy how

sunspot: In the broadest possible terms

sunspot: They dont really know what to do with you

sunspot: So that is something we are all going to have to figure that out together

=============

LEVON: Kitty.

LEVON: How are you, my sweet?

KITTY: omg hiiiiiii

KITTY: im rlly good actually things r rlly good!

LEVON: Any progress?

KITTY: ya i think so :)

KITTY: hes opening up a little hes still like. v v shy in person? but not as scared i dont think 

KITTY: hes very polite

LEVON: Poor thing.

LEVON: Does he have sensory issues? I hear that’s a big thing with psychics.

KITTY: ummm yeah hes v twitchy. i think he gets his signals crossed a lot but idk if hes aware of it? he just gets all hackle-y at literally nothing sometimes

LEVON: Interesting.

KITTY: how are things back there

LEVON: Well, it’s a shitshow. You’ll find out soon.

KITTY: eek

KITTY: um can i tell u smth

LEVON: Of course.

KITTY: i dont think hes ready yet 

LEVON: You have the rest of the month.

KITTY: no even then i just dont think hes gonna be ready

KITTY: he needs more time

LEVON: I feel like I’ve been more than generous in letting you keep an unsupervised superweapon(!) in your house for two months without disturbance 

LEVON: I’m not saying I’m going to put him through the ringer or anything but he does need to come back to base.

LEVON: You’re coming with him, so I don’t see what the issue is.

KITTY: will we b able to see him then :?

LEVON: Sure.

KITTY: can he room w me :3c

LEVON: Nope.

KITTY: why D:

LEVON: Security reasons. 

KITTY: levon :(

LEVON: This isn’t coming from me.

KITTY: but ur the boss!!!!

LEVON: Yes, but this isn’t an absolute monarchy. I’m still obligated to follow protocol and I’m obligated to listen to other members of the council.

LEVON: Who I should add, are a LOT less okay with this than I am. 

KITTY: ok i get all that but listen like

KITTY: i dont think u understand how fragile he is rn

LEVON: I think you may actually be underestimating him.

KITTY: uh wat do u mean by that

LEVON: He’s held his own within Empire for nineteen years. That’s not for the weak. He can handle a little strain.

KITTY: lol is that what u call it

KITTY: a little strain?

LEVON: Relatively speaking, yes. I’ll do what I can to make it painless for him. Personally, I think he’s innocent.

KITTY: he IS innocent

LEVON: Can you prove it?

KITTY: ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!

LEVON: That file you sent me. You made it, didn’t you? You’ve seen what’s on there? The casualty count?

KITTY: but thats not his fault!

LEVON: And I agree with you. But that’s what we’re going to have to establish. 

KITTY: but i dont want him to :(((

LEVON: What you want is not necessarily the basis upon which the courts operate.

==========

katkittykat: doing ok????

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: in my room

katkittykat: what do u do in there

nodiving: kinda just been sleeping a lot

nodiving: im really tired all the time i dont know why

nodiving: i didnt use to be

katkittykat: ur sleep debt is probably insaneeeeeee that why

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: im sorry that im like this btw

katkittykat: u dont need to apologize for resting bby theres nothing 2 b sorry for

nodiving: not just that i mean everything

nodiving: i know im not normal 

katkittykat: u rlly rllllly dont need to worry abt that around us i promise we r all freak bitches

katkittykat: i like talking to u tho and i think its ok if u dont realylly feel “normal” right now u dont need to b

katkittykat: u can just b urself and if u dont know who that is rn thats fine too becuz u have the rest of ur life to figure it out

katkittykat: i will still want to hang out w you anyway <3

It took a long time for him to respond. She thought he may have fallen asleep again.

nodiving: why are you being so nice to me

Her turn to hesitate. That was more of an Apollo question — he could explain it ad nauseam. She didn’t know what answer she could possibly give him, if he even really wanted one. 

There was so little she knew about Delta. Each glimpse she got of what his life had been like painted a worse picture of it. They always said he’s been through a lot when anyone asked; it was a convenient euphemism for a whole array of issues. He tried so hard to play his cards close it to his chest. It felt like a betrayal then, the way the signs slipped through. 

nodiving: you dont have to be

She frowned as she slowly tapped at the keyboard.

katkittykat: i wanna be tho

katkittykat: cause i like u

katkittykat: <3

Another moment of silence. She braced herself. There was no way she could try and unpack all of that herself. She hoped she would not have to. She would do it wrong.

nodiving: <3

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety

[lilliancdoodles]

I wanted to shout out some of my favorite fics! Most of them are FitPac cause I have a problem. (This will probably be updated overtime)

Burnt Espresso (by @solsays ) - Modern AU slow burn FitPac fic that I ADORE. It's on going and super good. It flips between Fit and Pac's pov on the chapters, so Chapter 1 is from Pac's pov; Chapter 2 is from Fits, so on and so forth. I love the world and the way the characters interact!! It just AAAAAA. I love it. Go read it.

One Like You (By @massivewaffle) - Also a Modern Au slowburn FitPac fic. IT'S SO GOOD. RAMON AND PAC'S RELATIONSHIP MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!! And there's this one scene in Fit's gym where Tina, Etoiles, and Foolish were all talking/ arguing and it was so accurate I could hear it in their voices. The whole fic is amazing, Fit and Pac's respect for each other- I just *muwah* On going and amazing read. (plot has progressed since first writing this AND IT RAAAAAAA I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH I CAN'T TELL YOU. I WILL BE SO SAD WHEN IT'S DONE TAT. this little family has my whole heart and it's written so beautifully)

I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore (By @tastytoastz) - A six chapter fic of Fit grappling with his 2b2t past and what that means for his feelings/relationship towards Pac. It's super good, love every second of it. AMAZING headcannons (that while writing became cannon so pog) All the love!

Ask me to bare my throat, and i'll show you where to put the knife (also by tastytoastz) - One shot fic of Fit and Pac exchanging Promise Rings and a similar 2b2t tradition. It's super cute and I love it so much.

Promise? (also by tastytoastz. Listen I can't put everything by TastyToast but if you have the time check out all of their work I love it all) - One shot fic where Fit was around to help Pac recover after the Risus Potion. It's a really good fic and if I could make it cannon I would. (minor warning Forever is mentioned at the beginning of this fic, but only a little and he doesn't come up again. If you can get past it I HIGHLY recommend) Life is like the ocean, it goes up and down (surprise surprise another tastytoastz work what can I say) - A mermaid AU fic where Fit is a mer and gets captured with Ramon. Pac eventually finds them and wants to help. It's an on going fic and absolutely amazing, the world building has me hooked (ha ha). I've actually done a few art pieces for this fic, so if you want to see what the mers look like to me, you can look in my 'lcdoodles' tag! The federation makes my blood boil in this fic it's so good. Im always excited for more chapters!! (Again just read anything by tastytoastz) flash, thunder (you and i are burnt flesh and melted alloy) (By yourfauxentropy) - On going fic where Tubbo has been elected president and after someone tries to assassinate him, sends Sunny with Fit and Pac to a house in the country to keep her safe. This fic is crazy. IT HAS A PLOT. AN ON GOING PLOT THATS HAPPENING AROUND THE SLOW BURN. The plot is so good and the slow burn is so well written. I liked this fic so much more than I thought I would, give it a read!! i can't hide from you like i hide from myself (By ellabellachicketychella) *(new addition :O )* - Kingdom SLOW burn au. Fit is a knight and Pac is a healer. There's only one chapter so far, but it's AMAZING. I love fantasy settings and this is so good. The world building is pretty small right now, but I can't wait to see if it develops. I love how they handled Spreen in this fic, probably the nicest i've seen him dealt with (that being he doesn't just walk out. This is just a different way to handle it and it's done really well). If you aren't convinced yet, chapter one is a lot of baby Ramon. Can't wait for the next chapters <33. so I'm following the map that leads to you (By knightinsourarmor) *(new addition :O )* - Fit gets fucking kidnapped via portal, and Pac had him literally ripped from his hands. Pac is dealing with the grief as is Ramon, cause they know why he got taken, but the others don't know. And they're going to try to find him. It's only got two chapters right now, but it's really good and im excited to see where it goes. It's a different but very interesting premise! <33 Diamond Blossom (By @fitpacs) *(new addition :O )* -The lovely and wonderful fitpac wedding planner au. only one chapter so far, but I actually laughed out loud at several points, god I love these kids they're sassy as hell. Amazing start, very excited for the next chapters <3 Long Long Time (By @emiliaexists) *(new addition :O )* - Zombie au, but the zombies aren't really there cause this aint about them. This is an incredibly sweet story of these two characters just living life together. It's apparently an au based off of an episode in the last of us, but you don't need to know anything about that to enjoy it, I sure knew nothing about it. Can easily say i cried for like the last 15 minutes while reading the last chapter, but its a good cry. If you are able to play the music do it, I suggest getting a one hour loop for the last scene, just in case it takes you longer to read than the song length so it doesn't ruin the vibes. Pay attention to the 'growing old together' tag but just be aware of the others. I want everyone to be safe, but if you can handle it, it's an amazing fic.

Side Effects (By WhyB.) - 7 Chapter completed Fic where Fit got effectively Feeble Mind-ed (It's a dnd spell, look it up) and he's super comfortable around Pac so stays near him while Pac tries to make a cure. It's really cute and sweet and I love the way they interact. <3

Easy (By WhyB) - One shot Au where GreenGayNinga's died during Purgatory and Ramon is left as an orphan so Pac takes care of him. Its AAAAAAAAAA I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO ME. (Im pretty sure I cried reading this)

Forget-Me-Not (By @iridescentpull) - Same concept as the above one, but it starts before the eggs wake up. Currently only three chapters, really hope it keeps updating. I KNOW FOR SURE I CRIED READING THIS. AAAAAAA CHAPTER 2 KILLED ME. I WANT IT TO CONTINUE SO BAD PLEASEEEEE. <THIS IS STILL VALID. I WANT IT TO CONTINUE SO BAD ;-;

Cry Little Boy (By random_idka) - One Shot Modern AU where Ramon is upset about Spreen and Fit isn't there so Pac comforts him. Pac and Ramon's relationship means so much to me you have no idea.

[changbinsboobs]

thats what I mean there is difference huge difference between chans work ethic and IN, IN who seems to have a playful outlook on life in general and in his work environment whereas bangchan seems verg hardcore focused 1000% on his work so much so that he doesnt really see the fun in whats going on around him, doesnt take enough time to rest or sleep.

so im now curious where it stems from cause a lot of the families surrounding idols can both negatively and positively affect an idols choice to go into the kpop world so im wondering if thats why or if its his birth chart or just his natural personality?

ngl I really would want INs personality the most fr. please could you do the bangchan reading for the other members as well? i loved how in depth it was and gave more insight into his personality or what he doesnt really show. good for him though for not being afraid ro argue for his rights i suppose. a lot of idols would probably never put their foot down or be kind of submissive or even overworship their company if they think theyre in the better position than other groups

Hi:) im gonna do the reputation readings individually upon request. Since i already did chan and have one for lee know in gonna use this request to do Changbin (going chronologically).

Changbin's Reputation

His overall reputations good, although i notice its much different than chan's, as in with chan, his reputation was based more on other idols' opinion or on people he has worked with, while with changbin its much more distant. With Chan is like opinion based on first hand experience, while with changbin its like "word is he..."

So based on that i think he's actually not that extroverted and vastly popular as it may look (or at least as it looked to me). I think he is indeed very sought out by others and popular and in demand - but among HIS people. Among his close circle.

People's overall view of him is that he's loaded AND generous and people close to him get a taste of that. This is the thing that gives the strongest impression. Idk if he's indeed that loaded that even idols are impressed by his wealth...or is it rather his generosity with it that is talked about? Or both? Or is this just something people associate him with? I mean, u know one day you wear pink shoes in school and people gave u a nickname that one day and remembered you by it, u have literary worn those shows just once to school but 5 years later everyone still calls you "pink shoe wearer" (ik very uncreative), even if it's not at all who you are and even if others have started to wear shoes like that by now too, ur still that one thats got that nickname and association with it. This could also be similar for Changbin's case. Orrrrr he is indeed loaded🤷🏻‍♀️

Another thing is that elders really like him. I think he's way more popular with a maturer crowd. So again i don't think he's all that popular within the idol crowds but rather with the staff, family etc.

Another big significance is his strength. It is indeed something thats talked about, im seeing rumours being whispered/thrown around how that and that has happened to him, and then people being like "omg but i would've never guessed." "Ik right he seemed like nothing's happened." Or a different scenario would be where there was a problem and people are "omg do you know what happened" and then they talk about it snd then they're like "he did that and that, and talked with this and this person, and they made a deal" or whatever - like theres a problem that seems so huge, but he has taken care of it. And thats really impressive to orhers. I think this is more concerning idols' view of him, rather than staff etc what i was talking about earlier.

I wouldn't say he's like a celeb among celebs, cuz the oomph's missing, but he definitely is someone rumors are made about. Someone thats often talked about - often in an admiring manner. He seems distant to other idols, like he's not IN their crowds, even if he still belongs to them. He feels like he's on another step or so, and they can't quite see in. I don't think there's really any interest towards him tbh, like people feeling the need to get to know him. I think he's a bit intimidating to them. Rather than that he's just someone thats there that you observe from the distance and hear a good thing or two from time to time.

He seems diligent st his work, good in his work, focused and with a good m, trustable work ethic. Respectful - im hearing. Thats why elders like him so much. And this card again shows how he's not IN their society but rather there. And he's doing his own thing, within his own bubble and his own circles. I think i have the word - he seems unapproachable, which isn't a problem for most people cuz they don't feel the need to approach him anyway. But ughh...no, unapproachable has a negative connotation and also seems like he's unapproachable cuz of something he's actively doing or not doing - which is not the case. Maybe instead if unapproachable i shouldn't say unreachable? Out of reach? But thats also somehow wrong, he is reachable, but people just don't feel to bother to reach out? Ugh idk i hope u get the vibe im feeling here.

I think people fear his sharp tongue a bit. And have a prejudice that he's sharp tongued and straight up no bullshit guy - which IS true, but he's not mean. I think some people really like this quality of his while so e feel intimidated and turned off by it.

Side note - but i think for the average idol he would be a real hit or muss cuz he has a very specific energy and personality (which in my opinion is great i don't understand how the whole world doesn't kiss his feet!!!😤🤌🏻💗) which would either put people off (which i think its sadly the case for most, at least in the beginning) straight away, or u immediately get obsessed with him. Bo in between. And i think for the people that initially are turned off by him, if given enough time they would actually really love him. They just need to get warmed up towards his more sharp/dark energy to be able to look past it and see his soft warm lovely heart💗. I can talk so much more about that topic, about people's perception of energy and how one neutral / balanced thing can be perceived in so many different ways depending on the beholder and its just so fascinating🤌🏻 but anyways i got carried away.

And lastly i think people view him as a creative "genius"/artist that can't be understood by everyone but no one can deny his talent. Wether you agree with him or don't its visible how good he is in what he does and regardless of your opinion on him u just have to enjoy the art he's making. This again has quite polar opposites to itself. I've gotten that in a few cards already, again this hit or miss feeling. I think (for Korean standards) he might be too sharp and real for most people, so, they don't necessarily dislike him - but they don't approve of him either. Omg yes thats exactly what I've been feeling for a while. Disapproval! I think quite a few people don't approve of his approach or way, just because they don't know him, and because he seem so unreachable and just on another plane it makes it even easier for lots of people to be disconnected from him and to feel weird around him and disapprove. I think he is too genuine for some people. That being said, he's very talented and everyone agrees on that no matter if they like his ways and approve of them. Because of his money and status people also keep more quite and don't go all out on him.

Ugh i think this reading got all over the place sadly, i think there's quite a few different groups of people and opinions on him and one one hand im talking about this, then in the next point about that, then about something completely different and so on. I hope you can kinda sense the differences in opinions/groups of people "talking".

[narwhalandchill]

okay so. skirk thoughts

first of all: as much as her design is still just kind of an ehhh compared to what couldve been, i do think it looks so much better in the actual game. the sfx in her arms and legs in particular helps a Lot imo. still not a massive fan but given i already loved the hair+eyes as well as the general color scheme, im warming up to it. still unfortunate we didnt get something more ambitious but i can live with this lmao

personality wise i actually really love how they went about her? its a little unexpected but skirk really has that abyss autism rizz to her JSJSIDISGFK love it. like this really isnt someone used to any manner of regular human interactions and it shows. i really like how blunt and utterly unfazed she is even when dropping some insane lore bombs bc theyre just peanuts to her. shes just completely unlike any character from any faction weve encountered before and i rly love the energy they gave her

i also found her little ramble about the value of life and death pretty interesting. it almost makes it sound like she considers herself dead in some way? with how she talks about there being no point in holding onto the bonds and remains of dead things and how this personal philosophy of hers is why she never comes to the surface anymore. like huh. whats up with that.

it also really reminds me of how an underappreciated aspect of childes characterization imo is how like. Incredibly insistent he is on staying alive being the most valuable thing? like this comes up Repeatedly in his voicelines. and now we have skirk literally talking about how to live is in itself a blessing. like i am Not buying this being coincidental at all. so unless they physically disprove me in this somehow down the line im taking this as 100% proof that childes high regard for life is Directly imparted to him through skirks teachings. and thats really interesting to think about.

and like. overall im quite happy with this glimpse of her character we have? i have bigger issues with the overall handling of the childe+narwhal+skirk segment of the AQ but those are narrative problems. skirk really stands out as a character and shes just. really fascinating AND funny as fuck in her nonchalance like. what an icon.

the only real unfortunate thing w her appearence specifically i think just has to do with the way her manner of speech and position as a narrator of dubious reliability to an extent is already leading to some. Quite unfortunate misreadings and/or taking the implications of her statements too far at face value. and i just know fandom will latch onto those forever 😭

(& jic i dont mean dubious reliability in the traditional unreliable narrator or like. lying or sth sense. just that her worldview is so alien and foreign to us that it should be taken into careful account before just blindly running off with any particular thing she claims)

like. firstly. the narwhal. ppl really dont seem to be catching onto how skirks perception of it as just a scuffed pet thats a hassle to manage isnt like. actually reflective of what a massive deal of an entity it is (read the boss fight quest item drop lore i am begging. or just wait for me to start narwhalposting JAJSKDK its coming 100%) 💀💀 what it DOES reflect more than anything is what an absolute maniac surtalogi (+ skirk by extension) has to be in order to claim a creature of this magnitude as a PET of all things. its also good to note that skirk herself readily admits both her highly unconventional view on most things AND that her master wont necessarily share any and all information with her - more so what he thinks is pertinent for her to know. her assessment of the narwhal as a nuisance of a task for a disciple isnt really reflective of the ultimate big picture HSJDKDKSK though it is very funny i have to admit.

im just preemptively annoyed and frustrated by it already bc its highkey giving azhdaha all over again where 99% of fandom just dismissed his deeper lore bc they took the storytellers claims of zhongli creating him at complete face value. like to the point hoyo had to literally add a whole segment at the end of the chasm interlude where zhongli more or less directly wink wink nod nods that a career entertainer isnt giving you the most accurate lore on this stuff 😭😭 like please. ive had the tears from among the stars lore fucking HAUNTING me ever since i first read it. its not just a silly pet whale im hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and secondly. people really jumping the gun on "haha skirk thinks childe weak" when she was... quite literally speaking in past tense JSJSKDKSISKDK thats ajax 14 not the current state of things. while i do agree skirks power level is still way above his to the point i absolutely do think she considers him weak from her standpoint & ways off from his true potential, id also just.... like to point out that she pretty much confirms that her view of his competence has very much changed too? like please yall

skirk, who in all the years post ajax' 3 day abyss trip made NO effort to contact or keep up with him whatsoever and stated that her disciple wasnt worth even speaking to in the past has now LITERALLY voiced the intent to assign him the task of being a messenger between herself (possibly even surtalogi) and neuvillette. and she has made it VERY clear that she views the communication between herself and neuvillette (and traveler too) as one between equals?

this isnt her assigning childe some irrelevant side quest to keep him busy but actually utilizing him for a task she takes at least relatively seriously. like wdym she still considers him the exact same as before 😭😭😭😭 like obviously childes far off from being regarded as anywhere near an equal by skirk bc SHES just that insanely powerful but seriously. to me this is as clear an acknowledgement of his growth on her part as we will get JSJSKDKFKSKDKJ

but alas. everyone loves a "ha ha childe so weak XDDDD" like they just never wanna let that one go. Man

anyway still rly like skirk!!! all im Really hoping for in the future Especially w how i feel the 4.2 narrative while overall brilliant really sidelined and mishandled the potential and gravity of the narwhal side of things is that like. PLEASE let the interlude be the continuation to this 3rd descender n skirk n childe abyss situation i am so fucking tired of khaenri'ah and the abyss order im sorry lmao

also itll be like 4 years before we ever see her in Real action as a combatant but i am already So hype to see that. especially since her powers are so abyssal and alien in nature like thats going to be So gourmet i just know it.

[trainingdummyrabbit]

okkkk its been a day or two, gonna talk abt funy warptrain event ^_^ i didnt think i would but ihave thoughts and im chatty. notmany, but what ever. my house. yipy ^_^

honestly? wholly neutral abt this one. it sure was an event ! woah.

more genuinely, i mostly just think it couldve taken its environment+happenstance and made it hit harder. isuppose its just a side effect of Already Knowing, both in-universe and out, but the whole Everything felt very secondary to the character's.. characters. which isnt bad! its just specifically how it was Executed that kinda gets me about it.

specifically, in that it feels like its going to be much more important than it actually ended up presenting itself. nuance nuance, side chapter event, etc etc but even Still. what we got from the characters felt very very Mild, even from side-stuff pov. (again nuance, im not fully caught up, im simply talking about how i feel.) which may be a side effect of riding off th coattails of tkt wrt rodya having... All That. it felt like all that stuff w faust just Happened, and well. thats it! the most we got from it was dante+faust's brief dynamic, and yisang's comment towards the end. which was sweet and i liked a lot! i just wish they pushed the wound a little harder. juuust a little. give us (read: them) something to think about, rather than hint and drop.

ithink my main problem with the writing, specifically character writing, is how... sitcom-ish it ended up feeling, for lack of a better term. it felt very blatant in its winkwink nudge kind of execution of dialogue, specifically with the sinners re: faust's de-faust-ening. like its not Awful, but it did kinda take me out of it a bit. (though they didnt push that execution of it as far as they couldve, which i Am thankful for)

it Is very much a kind of hinty setup deal, but man. really really light on that one. the reconnection on mephi Was necessary plotwise, but i wont say i didnt feel at least a Little disappointed. let them struggle!!

(i think what i was more hoping for was exemplifying more strongly on the "This Is Objectively A Pressing Problem, But One We Cant Solve Just Yet" front. the 'we rely on Faust too much' was a little dip into it, but again, very light. i want to see them Objectively Kind Of Fuck Up about it. Really press those implications to give us something to be worried about when we Do address faust proper. yknow?)

and, admittedly, th thing that bothered me most was the keycard melting. that was the whole Ordeal! the pressure all kinda hinged on that being an Important Item! but then they just kind of all.. "oh no the keycard :( well, time to get on mephi its all cool ^_^" like... yall couldve done that th whole time? it really defangs the entire situation. both in-text and kind of retroactively. (which is something i could chatter on about, but i dont think id do it well, so i wont.)

like yeah, silly silly, but again. it does kinda make the tone go all over the place in a way that felt really jarring to me.

(also this is very very blatantly my own Immense Bias but its still my house; there is inevitably going to be a Lot of faust-angela comparisons/etc coming i can feel it in my Bones and iam inevitably going to be very Very bitchy about it. sorry about this in advance, but ive already said my piece re: rodya/ishy's realization egos and the same sentiment applies here. i am going to be Immensely picky about it and id apologize but you all know what im about. thats all.)

im wholly indifferent but Mildly Fond of team bloodfiend just on principle of Theyre Fun And Interesting. in the way where i wish we could delve into the implications of their dynamic (them making a fun little home on th warp trains is interesting!!!) but th nature of th story means we wont be able t see it. sad :( cmooon theyre just little guys cmon be niceys to them come onnnnn.

what Really shone this chapter for me though, surprise surprise, was donqui. she was FANTASTIC this event and its everything i couldve ever asked for, even with the bias aside. mmmmostly aside. i am easy to please on that front. i loved getting to see her be excited and Important to the group and not just brushed aside re: the beginning!! her and meur getting to genuinely just be silly!! (this one Is my bias speaking but also heath + don friendship win. in my heart.) also the bit where she gets to just... talk herself up in front of th kid. she was genuinely so happy and proud! it lets her Actually shine without dimming it with the "ah there goes donqui again, dont mind her" thing. which is intrinsic to her character, and i wont say is strictly bad, but im glad to see just Her. (Especially shoutout to the "she hesitated till the last second attacking the passengers" thing, that was a great detail for both her And faust)

but my Favorite thing by Far was the gap between the end of the bossfight and What Happened On Mephi. girl KILLING!!! girl MAIMING!!! getting to see her really push at her values and show off that part of her was Fantastic. the sheer stubborn vitriol was Excellent; and her standing by her own values even Past her own physical limits is Such a great way to exemplify that character trait. and most importantly, her direct decision to pretty much just ignore the direction to stay behind following her own morals was!! fantastic fantastic. Deeply delighted when she entered the scene again on mephi. i love seeing her be silly and excited. but what i love more is seeing that part of her. i want to see her be a Fucking Problem! a Serious Fucking Problem! she deserves it.

i cant... really say much on the uh, reveal at the end though. i probably wont, either! that'll have t be for the next canto. but im holding. im waiting. that is probably one of the funniest things they couldve pulled and i so desperately want to see what the fuck theyre going to do with it. let them cook or whatever. absolutely Not the direction i thought they were gonna focus on, but huh. Huh! huh. ok girl!!

. anyway all in all,

[quirkthieves]

i really don't want to dignify this with more than i have to, but okay. speedrun to address all those paragraphs because i really did not bother reading most of it i literally just woke up

-a dni isnt a callout. its just a boundary. in fact, the reason i said i didnt want close friends of ire to interact was for reasons like this, where this grown adult proceeds to flip the fuck out on people. i didnt make a callout. there wasnt anything callout worthy. just someone being a douchebag. in fact, i was fine interacting with mutuals of ire and ire themselves all the way up until shit hit the fan, in which case i think im very well justified in saying "yeah i dont think our circles should interlap very much". you know, after ire flipped out on Marx, because marx is a friend of mine and anyone who can do that to a mutual friend just because we're mutual friends and just because marx is friends with lys is ridiculous. i wont go into marx's stuff unless they want me to but are you for real rn

-i can post our full convos if you really want i kept the screenshots but here's the rundown: first: saying rxgelord writing age up smut was just "his business" was kinda weird. im gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say you didnt really mean it that way because you just wanted to argue semantics with me.

and thats the bigger thing than whether it was about rxgelord, myers, whatever. the reason i left the server and the reason i decided i didnt want anything to do with you was because you went out of your way to nitpick and argue about semantics with me, sometimes for over an hour. with rxgelord? okay, whatever. idc. that guy was deeply unserious anyway. myers? that one was just bad faith because everyone knows we were being facetious and silly with the whole "cheating with himself" thing-- the point was that he had done shit like making alt accounts to date himself when he had actual partners because he was someone who frequently and grossly misused peoples trust, we were just wording it in kind of a jokey way because i did not think you needed that written out for you, and the third one, which wasnt about drama at all and is the ACTUAL reason i left

the third one had to do with me expressing that something in the server had blown up very quickly and gone very fast and was a bit hard to keep up with. i asked maybe we have a log channel and be a bit better about plotting because both myself and others had to deal with unintended consequences on our characters we werent prepared for regardless of how much we participated.

ire then proceeded to spend an hour with me arguing about if it "even actually counted because it was in text format" and saying they "didnt understand discord rp" despite having run servers in the past. this went on for an hour. i was polite, because at no point was ire ever actually bringing up a point that was contrary to my own-- ire was just trying to nitpick what i was saying and went out of their way to call my feelings unimportant, amongst other things. after the rxgelord and myers things, i realized that ire was very dedicated to misunderstanding me at every junction, was intentionally trying to put down how i felt in any given situation regardless of severity, and very much wasting my time. im not stupid. i decided it wasnt worth trying to stick it out and tolerating something that was going to be triggering for me (im in an intensive trauma therapy program right now and being demeaned and nipped at is not going to help when i already spend so much of my week in an episode or the aftermath thereof, and i know i can have a temper problem!), so i left, because unlike ire i felt no need to be hostile to people in the server regardless of how i felt about them. and then ire decided to be a massive dickhole to a bunch of my friends, so now we're here.

kind of weird the focus is on me and how abrasive i am when so much of their shit was about lys, but whatever. shrrrrrrugs. and again, i have the screenshots of our spats in the server but it reallllly doesnt matter? because thats what this is? petty spats? why am i catching this splatter again

anyway, calling me a crazy tweaker and an edgelord for being mad at [looks at notes] the man who gave me a seizure and lied and gaslit me for two years is kinda wild. arent you a dabi roleplayer? you love this shit. put me on your blog, i can send you pics for your graphics and everything.

anyways, back to your regularly scheduled tweaking out. love you all.

[kaleidosouls]

SU reclaimed pearl rambles

im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.

so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text

i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'

onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism

i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor

why did you change pearl?

because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)

why do you hate pearl?

the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!

why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?

i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again

i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)

cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole. seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process: -im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job

now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things

im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)

you took away her personality and made her boring

the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.

personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p

gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh

i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)

imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha

ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.

i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.

this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh

[violentviolette]

how do you tell apart violent impulses from violent intrusive thoughts when you get both? I know I have violent impulses because I acted on them before I had a better system for dealing with them and I know I have intrusive thoughts because I get sexual intrusive thoughts about things I never get impulses over. I know it doesn't make sense because I can tell sexual intrusive thoughts have no impulses behind them but the line is just completely blurred for me with violent thoughts. I always deal with them like they're impulses and get myself as quickly away from the victim and weapon as possible just in case but it always weighs on me not knowing if I really would have acted on that were my reins looser. When I acted on my violent impulses in the past I never felt guilt over actually doing it even if I wouldn't choose to repeat it but stopping myself from potentially acting on violent thoughts makes me feel like garbage

personally, and this is highly subjective and not like a universal Fact, but i generally seperate them by "impulse = rooted in feelings relevent to both the situation and my wants" and "intrusive thought = not triggered by or relevent to actual feelings i have outside the thought" so like, an intrusive thought *to me* is something like "pick up that knife and stab it thru their hand to pin it to the table" when nothing is wrong and im just generally chilling, this is not something i would actually enjoy nor get any real pleasure or satisfaction from doing

whereas an impulsive thought would be "punch that person whose irritating u in the face cause it'll make them stop speaking" cause that is actually rooted in something that would bring me pleasure or satisfaction to do, but i know is socially innopropriate and not a healthy way to handle the situation

but honestly, i think the difference isnt always important, especially when talking about how just having either of those thoughts makes us feel about ourselves. there is no inherent morality to thoughts. our thoughts simply exist, and they have no bearing on whether or not we are good or moral people.

i've had the urge/thought/impulse to hit my wife before. dozens and dozens of times actually. i never have and i never will, but the urge to solve all my problems by simply punching them is a strong urge that i dont think will ever go away for me. i get angry or upset and my instinct is to become violent over it. but simply having the thought to do so doesnt make me a domestic abuser or a bad partner. the fact that i have never once given in to that urge and continue to control my behavior is what makes me a good and healthy partner.

it doesnt matter what u would have done if u werent controlling ur behavior, what matters is that *u are controling that behavior.* u are doing the right and healthy thing by choosing not to act on an impulse or intrusive thought and taking measures to ensure u dont. that shouldnt make u feel bad, it should fill u with pride for urself. the thought is not the important part, it's what u DO with that thought that matters. people think all kinds of insane things all the time, triply so when u have mental illnesses. brains are weird and freaky and they think wild shit. none of that matters, what matters is ur actions and ur behavior and the fact that u can and do control urself to behave in healthy and appropriate ways is the sign of u being a well adjusted and mature adult and healthy member of ur social group.

dont beat urself up over ur thoughts, they are not what make u who u are. ur actions make up the person u are and its ur actions that matter. and the fact that u take action to ensure the safety and well being of the people around u is what determines that u are a good and healthy person making the right decisions, and thats something u should feel very very proud of urself over

[lemontongues]

yknow ive been thinking again lately about how i would like to see more realism in batman content, both canon and fandom, but not the Dark And Gritty kind. the kind thats like.

yes actually he is highly emotionally intelligent and does understand himself quite well and has just accepted that he is A Freak and decided to roll with it rather than being so horrifically emotionally repressed that he can barely even acknowledge that what hes doing is based in trauma. hes been in therapy since he was like 9 years old. he studies human psychology extensively both for himself and so he has better odds of predicting whats gonna go wrong and how when hes up against a rogue or negotiating a hostage situation or whatever. he meditates for two hours a day and is fully capable of keeping a healthy handle on his anger 98% of the time. he's nice to people and fun to be around and sincerely caring. if he were just Always Right but super isolated and reactive and cruel and controlling everyone would fucking hate him and no it wouldnt be enough to sustain his crimefighting activities, thats a stupid lone wolf fuckboy fantasy

he has a strict 9pm bedtime that he only breaks for mandatory WE/brucie activities or emergencies. if theres a gala where he needs to rub shoulders with ppl to gather intel or keep his company running he'll do it but hes Not Happy about being out until midnight and cuts out early as often as possible, and when hes chasing the joker around until 3am hes lamenting his poor sweet circadian rhythm that did nothing wrong ever in its life the whole time. when hes batmanning hes expending a fuckton of energy and he needs to make it up and have a well-established routine to counteract the punishment hes putting his body through. on a similar note, this man is building braces and compression into his suit and doing extensive physical therapy exercises every day of his life bc he wants to have helpful little things like "knees" and "shoulders" by the time hes 40, and hes probably eating a small farms worth of assorted leafy greens and several chickens per day

he is simply Never drunk and he doesnt actually have that much sex. hes really really good at faking a) being drunk and b) getting a high priority phone call from lucius the minute someone hes making out with starts trying to get his shirt off. he also does a lot of "hey look i gotta get out of here with my reputation intact, can we help each other out and pretend we're gonna go fuck?" kind of negotiating with ppl (see: his 9pm bedtime, plus sometimes hes gotta slip away from an event to be sneaky), which is how a lot of the more wild stories about him start circulating lol. this is a man who's regularly getting gassed/injected/etc with highly experimental substances created by maniacs trying to torment or kill him, he does NOT want substances like drugs or alcohol in his body that could potentially interact with them, and the last thing he needs is to be dealing with a pregnancy or sti scare. plus if he can play it safe with someone and have them think of him as a nice and trustworthy dude who just has a bonkers reputation, all the better for his batman activities!

idk i just feel like theres unexplored potential in a lot of that stuff bc so much of recent batman mythos is like HES SO HARDCORE AND CAN DO ANYTHING AND HES ALWAYS RIGHT CAUSE HES SO PARANOID AND DISRESPECTFUL OF PPL AND THEIR BOUNDARIES BUT ITS OKAY BC ITS IN THE NAME OF BEING RIGHT and im like. okay. gotta admit that i dont rly find that believable or in line with my values. can we talk about WE's sweet sweet employee benefits package and bruce designing his suit to take most of the impact off his knees when he jumps off a roof. members of the jl discovering that he gives shockingly balanced and insightful advice about their mundane personal problems. bruce printing his own batsymbol envelopes to leave people cash after he misaims his grappling hook and breaks their window. things of that nature.