#well maybe I'll stay up and see for myself again in about a month lol

[mayrose713]

Beautifully Cruel World-Chapter 4

Series Masterlist | Previous | Next

ABO Non-Idol Stray Kids Universe Poly OT8 x Reader 18+ MDNI

Warnings in the Series Masterlist as well as any other information needed

This chapter is a bit longer so I hope you all like it. I'll admit did write a lot of this while I was at work lol

Chapter 4

“Sorry you had to wait for so long in our office during the meeting.” Changbin apologizes again as they sit in the waiting area of the doctors office. 

“It’s okay, I didn’t mind.” She smiles at him while she’s filling out the paperwork given to her by the receptionist. 

Chan can’t help but to glance down at it as she writes the answers to each of the medical questions. 

The normal of her date of birth, which he now knows she’s younger than Jeongin by a few months. When she presented which was when she was seventeen, a late presenter, not unheard of but uncommon. Any medical surgeries, she had her tonsils taken out as an infant. 

He feels guilty for looking at her answers for the female section but he reassures himself that it’s because he wants to know if she’ll need anything while she’s with them. Her last menstrual cycle having been the week prior so he won’t have to worry about making sure she has those products. That would have been an embarrassing call to Hannah for help with that. 

When she gets to the omega portion he frowns as she hesitates with the answers. Her last heat cycle… was when she presented? Chan knows that omegas have two heats a year at first starting out, a few years after presenting it becomes three. He thought that maybe he’d have to worry about her having not made it to that third one a year yet with her having presented late, but he wasn’t expecting for her to not have had a heat in six years. 

“Y/n L/n.” An omega nurse calls for the girl before approaching the three. “Dr. Hajoon is running a little behind so she wants me to go ahead and take you to get your blood drawn so that the lab work can be ready by the time she’s ready to see you.” 

“O-okay.” Y/n stands up obviously nervous and Chan and Changbin both stand too. 

“Sorry, there isn’t enough room for both of you to join, but we shouldn’t be too long. I’ll have her back out momentarily.” The nurse explains before starting to lead the way. 

Y/n hesitates but follows the nurse after Chan and Changbin both give her a reassuring nod that she’ll be okay. If it weren’t for the nurse being an omega the two alphas probably wouldn’t have let the girl go by herself. 

“Bin?” Chan speaks up after the omegas are out of sight behind the doors leading to the back. “Did you happen to look at the paperwork she was filling out?” 

Changbin frowns, giving his alpha a confused look. “No? Did you? You know that's an invasion of privacy right?” 

“I know.” Chan sighs, closing his eyes. “I just couldn’t help myself, wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything concerning, ya know?” 

“And is there?” 

Chan pauses for a moment before looking at Changbin. “She wrote down that her last heat was when she had first presented, about six years ago.” 

“What? How is that possible?” Changbin sits forward then looks confused when Chan pulls his phone out. “What are you doing?” 

“Texting Lix.” The older alpha brings up the betas contact as Changbin scoots over to see what is said. 

Channie Alpha♥️ Lixie baby, I need you to do Changbin and I a favor please. 

Lixie Baby🩵 Of course, anything 

Channie Alpha♥️ I need you to go into the room Y/n’s staying in. And look at her nest that you made for her.   

Lixie Baby🩵 Okay? 🤨

What about the nest? 

Channie Alpha♥️ Does it look any different from yesterday?

Lixie Baby🩵 It just looks slept in, why?

Channie Alpha♥️ It doesn’t look like she changed it at all? Everything's how you had placed it?

Lixie Baby🩵 No 🥺 everythings exactly how I had done it 

Channie Alpha♥️ Thank you baby, that’s all I needed

Lixie Baby🩵 Can I ask why you took her to see Dr. Hajoon? 

Channie Alpha♥️ You shouldn’t be stalking our location Lix. Minho just had some concerns he wanted us to get checked out is all. We’ll be home right after, I promise. Love you 

Lixie Baby🩵 Love you too 💕

“What does her not changing how Lix made her nest have anything to do with all of this?” Changbin finally asks after Chan puts his phone away. 

“When Lucas presented Felix had sent Olivia over to help him understand his omega tendencies.” Chan starts to explain. “The main thing they went over was nesting, it comes naturally to an omega but it’s different for everyone. She had said that the way she nests and the way Felix nests is completely different. So if an omega were to make a nest for another omega, the latter would still change it up a bit to make it more suitable for themselves. The only time it doesn’t happen is a communal nest because normally all of the omegas in the pack would build the nest together.”

“So Y/n’s omegas tendencies should have kicked in and she would have changed up the nest a bit to be more comfortable for her, but she didn’t.” Changbin repeats to make sure he’s understanding correctly as he doesn’t have any omega family members and Chan nods in confirmation. “So that and the lack of a heat for the last six years, how is that possible?” 

“The only thing I know that can cause someone to not have a heat is suppressants.” Chan hisses. “But it doesn’t suppress their other omega tendencies. And it’s only until you stop taking the suppressants…” 

“Meaning she never stopped taking them?” Changbin nods but then frowns.” Wait, I thought you guys said she didn’t have anything with her besides a car when you found her?”

“Yeah. She didn’t even have shoes. And I think I would have noticed if she grabbed a pill bottle at all.” Chan thinks back to the day before.

“Is she maybe not an omega?”

Chan gave Changbin an are you kidding me look. “Have you not smelled her? She’s an omega.” Then he thinks about what he overheard Minho and Jeongin say. “Though Min said he felt as though her scent isn’t fully there, which makes sense.” 

“Is it possible to not be a full omega?” Changbin pounders. “Like how Felix acts like one when he’s a beta. Could it be the opposite with her?” 

“I’m not sure.” Chan looks up as he smells Y/n walk back out into the waiting area, her uninjured arm taped from the blood draw. “But we’re gonna need to find out.” 

Y/n gives them as much of a convincing smile as she possibly can but they can tell from her scent that she didn’t have a pleasant experience. 

“You okay Y/nnie?” Changbin scoots away from Chan so she can sit back down between them.

“Yeah.” She nods and sits down. “Just don’t really like hospitals, especially being alone in one.”

“I’m sorry you had to go back there alone.” Chan places his hand on hers. “I promise we’ll be with you when Dr. Hajoon is ready to see you. She knows that we don’t like letting omegas go alone.”

She nods and takes comfort in knowing that they’ll be joining her in the examination room. 

After what felt like an hour but was more like fifteen minutes, a beta doctor with a clipboard of papers walks out and smiles at the three of them.

“Chris, Changbin.” The two stand and hug her before she turns and looks at Y/n. “And this must be the… omega… you told me about, Chris?”

“Yes, this is Y/n.” Chan smiles, placing a hand on the small of her back, all of them having taken notice of her hesitance to say her sub-gender. “Thank you so much for getting us in so quickly.”

“It’s no problem.” She turns back to Y/n once again. “It’s nice to meet you Y/n, I’m Dr. Hajoon. Let’s get you back to the examination room, I have your paperwork as well as the notes my nurse wrote down from getting your height and weight before you had your blood drawn. Are you okay with the alpha’s joining us?”

“Y-yeah.” The omega nods. “I would prefer that they do.”

“I had assumed so.” Hajoon nods and leads the three of them through the doors to the back. 

Once in the room Chan helps Y/n up on the examination table before sitting with Changbin in the seats and Hajoon grabs the stool while looking over the paperwork with a frown. 

“Alright, based on your paperwork I do have a few concerns but that is stuff that can wait until the end when we’re just discussing everything else and going over your blood work.” She starts off and sanitizes her hands before grabbing gloves. “I’m more worried about the wounds Chris told me about, can I take a look?”

Y/n rolls the sleeve up of the shirt she borrowed from Hannah’s closet to show the bruising on her wrist and the bandage on her upper arm. 

“Was it Minho who patched you up?” Hajoon smirks when the omega nods yes. “I figured, he’s the caretaker type.”

Changbin snorts. “Don’t let Min hear you say that.” 

The beta peels the bandage off her arm revealing more bruising and a deep gash. She inspects it, cleaning it a bit causing Y/n to hiss in pain a little. The two alphas shift in their seats wanting to protect the omega but knows the doctor is just doing what she needs. 

“Luckily it isn’t too deep. It looks like Minho did well in cleaning it but I’m seeing some early signs of infection, something he wouldn’t have been able to recognize.” Hajoon explains and rubs a topical ointment before bandaging it back up. “I’m gonna prescribe an ointment and antibiotics to take until it’s healed. As well as a bruise relief cream.” 

“Thank you.” Y/n whispers. 

“Chris had also mentioned bruising on your side and possible broken ribs?” 

“Yeah, that was Minho's main concern.” Chan speaks up again. “He wrapped her torso to help relieve any pain she may be in but we need to know if anything’s broken.” 

“Do you mind taking your shirt off?” The doctor asks and notices the girl's hesitancy. “If you want we can shut the curtain.” 

“It’s okay.” Y/n whispers and lifts up her shirt taking it off. 

Hajoon starts unwrapping her torso and it’s when she hears both Chan and Changbin growl that she knows the bruising is visible for all. She has the omega lay down on her back so she can feel her ribs for any breaks which causes the omega to hiss at some of the more sensitive bruising. 

“I don’t think you have any broken ribs.” The doctor explains. “Does it hurt at all to breathe?”

“No.” Y/n hisses again as the doctor touches another tinder spot. “But the prodding and poking does.” 

“Sorry.” The beta moves away from the table. “You can go ahead and put your shirt back on. But I do have to ask how these injuries happened?”

“I fell down a flight of stairs.” Y/n doesn’t make eye contact with anyone as she shrugs her shirt back okay.

“Hmm… before Chris and the betas found you, where were you living? Did you have a pack?”

“I was still living with my family pack.” This saddens Chan, thinking that her family might have done this to her.

“Another question I just have to ask as a part of my normal spiel. Do you feel safe?”

“Yeah.” The omega nods. “I do now at least.” 

Dr. Hajoon’s smartwatch goes off and she looks at it before turning to the computer in the room. “Your blood work came back so we can discuss the other concerns I have about your weight and lack of a heat.” 

Y/n glances at the two alphas to see their reactions but their expressions are neutral. 

The beta’s looks over the lab results and sighs before giving the omega a sad look.

“Did you know what it was?” Y/n gives a sad nod yes. “Did you get them done willingly?”

“My family forced me.” She mumbles playing with her hands.

“Forced what?” Chan cut’s in, sitting forward in the chair looking pissed.

Hajoon puts her hand up towards Chan as she continues looking at Y/n. “Besides your heats and scent, what else did it affect? And how often did you get them?”

“All of my omega tendencies.” She bows her head. “Every month since after my first heat.”

Chan grits his teeth not liking the sound of this conversation as he doesn’t fully know what's going on.

“Is it okay if I tell your alphas about it? That is if they promise not to lash out.” She eyes the two males until Y/n nods her head yes and waits for Chan and Changbin to also agree and once they do she sighs. 

“Her blood work came back positive for a suppressant injection. It isn’t like normal pill suppressants that can help postpone a heat, or a scent suppressor, it suppresses everything omega about her and even her appetite, why she’s underweight too. Why my nurse and I both were confused by her scent at first, we both smell a beta from her. These injections aren’t illegal but most refuse to practice with it because of the severity. It normally lasts up to thirty to forty days before needing another injection.”

“How do we smell her like an omega then?” Changbin speaks as Chan’s trying to keep calm. 

“The only way for anyone to smell a person's true sub-gender through a suppressant is if they are their fated mate.” Chan and Changbin’s jaws both drop. “You guys wouldn’t know you were fated mates though because of the suppressant, your alpha’s aren’t fully smelling her to tell you like normal. To you guys it seems as though her scent isn’t fully there.”

Chan and Chanbin both look at Y/n in awe now.

“So what do we need to do about the last injection she was given?” Chan leans forward and grabs Y/n’s hand to both help comfort her for what's about to be said and keep him from lashing out.

“Her blood work shows little traces of it, meaning it’s almost out of her system.” Hajoon looks back at the computer. “I would say in a few days her omega tendencies will start to return and she should restart her heat cycle. Though this first one will be a dry heat.”

“Dry heat?”

“A dry heat is when the body is not ready to reproduce or prepare for reproduction. Occurs when the omega is in a bad physical condition, mental state, or environment. When Omegas are in unsafe environments, examples; physical, mental, or emotional abuse, no pack bonds or mate, unfamiliar location, lots of stress or anxiety, which from what I can guess is a lot of what she’s been put through plus the suppressant, it’s bound to happen. It’s usually painful. Alters the body and shuts down all biological functions involved in reproduction and is not healthy but unavoidable this time. Dry heats can last anywhere from two to seven days. You guys will need to do a lot to help her during it. Take her to her nest or den. Do NOT leave her alone. Keep her hydrated, fed, and someone needs to maintain physical contact at all times. If the dry heat worsens, take her to the nearest hospital. Symptoms of it are haziness, cramps, separation anxiety, headaches, fearfulness, high emotions or extremely emotionless, distressed scent. I’ll have it all written down for you guys.”

“And… and what if I don’t have a dry heat, or any heat?” The omega fears.

“If you don’t go through one within a week, come back and we’ll try and figure out what's going on.” She reassures her as she types on the computer. “I’m sending in your prescriptions as well as setting you up with a therapist and psychologist. With what you’ve been through maybe we can get you on medication that can help with your mental health. They’re located in the same office as the two Jisung sees so I’ll see about getting you in at the same time as his so you both can just go together.”

“Thank you again for everything.” Chan stands up still holding the omega’s hand and helps her off the table.

“Anytime Chris, I’m always just a call away if you guys need anything.” She hands Changbin the papers with all the information they need. “Keep me updated.”

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[jennay]

Come Back Home

Jolly x reader

An: Random idea I had that I got stuck on and required way too much help from @a-villain-vying-for-attention then decided to make her a character since she basically came up with the ideas and I wrote it. Lol thanks for being my shadow writer for times when my brain decides it's done thinking.

Words 2200

Jolly Master List

This is chunked into four sections bear with me. I hate transitional writing 😂

"Please don't tell them. They'll just worry, and next thing you know, they'll be at my door, and it's just not the right timing for me to come back. I need to finish my work here, and it's not completely horrible. I think I just miss everyone, and I feel isolated." You admit over Facetime to your best friend, Kayla. "It just wasn't supposed to be like this. “Moving away from you guys was literally one of the worst decisions I've made."

Kayla sighs, "I don't mean to say I told you so, but I did." She laughs, "But the worst part is, Noah told you, Jolly told you, and you still just said bye bitches. Do you know how sad it is not to have you here? I have to deal with them all the time, by MYSELF."

You peel yourself off the couch, dragging your feet through the dining room and to the back door.

You brace yourself for the inevitable assault of the sun, but it still hurts like hell when you open the door and get blasted by its rays. "Fuck." You groan. "It's bright." You squint your eyes and cover them with your hand as you stumble to the camping chair you set up on your porch for such occasions. You hated the daylight. You wished you could be a nocturnal creature, but sadly, you had to pretend to be a responsible adult, even if you sucked at it.

"Wow, look at you, Dracula." She mocks you from the other side of the video call. "You look like you're about to die over there, paler than a ghost and skinnier than a twig. Do I need to come over and feed you some blood? I know it's only been six months, but I will literally come over and mother you to death. I'll bring Noah too, and we'll play house. God knows we need some practice." She flashes a big smile. "You know, for the future and all that jazz."

You laugh, shaking your head, "This is new for you!"

"Yeah, well, now I'm just working on convincing Noah that it's a good idea." She tucks her hair behind her ears. "So I need you to come back because I'm not raising these imaginary kids without their badass aunt."

You roll your eyes at her, "These kids don't even exist yet, so I think we have some time, and besides, I don't know if I'll feel any better moving back. If I have to watch HIM date other people and it not be me…well, I'd rather stay here and suffer in silence."

"Well, he's miserable without you, and why are we not using his name?" She laughs again. "Mopping and shit, constantly.”

You shrug, "I think he's probably fine. I basically threw myself at him and got no reaction. I literally slept in his bed the night before I left." You pause, growing frustrated. "Maybe we're just supposed to be friends; maybe he only sees me as a friend. That's OK. I can't be mad about that, but it always felt like there was something more, you know?"

Kayla groans loudly, "You both suck. If you would've just let me meddle, I could've set you two up."

"I don't want you to set me up! I wanted something natural." You say with all seriousness. "I wanted him to say it."

From behind Kayla, Noah pokes his head into the view, "He's dumb...guys are dumb." He gives you a face that says, duh.

"Well, now I'm here, and I can just say fuck it. I'll find someone here."

Noah's laughter rings through the speaker, "And then break up because all you're gonna do is fucking compare the two and be a whiny baby about how he's not Jolly, so you had to break up? Fuck off, y/n." He chuckles again. "Just come home."

You shake your head, "No. You will have to come to drag my dead body home before I willingly come back."

Noah grabs the phone from Kayla's hand, and you meet with wide eyes. And in a serious tone, Noah says, "Dead or not, at least you'll be home where you belong."

Kayla, Noah, and Jolly were lounging on the couch, munching on some greasy take-out that Noah had ordered from the nearest pizza place. While Jolly was engrossed in the latest episode of Bob's Burgers, Kayla was shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

She couldn't stand the sight of him, acting like nothing was wrong, like he wasn't the reason her best friend wasn't living with them anymore.

Noah noticed his girlfriend's glare and chuckled softly, nudging her elbow with his. "Chill," he whispered in her ear.

"NO!" Kayla shouted, startling both Noah and Jolly. She slammed her food on the coffee table and turned to face Jolly with a furious expression. "I'm sick and tired of pretending like everything is fine. I want my friend back, and if this is what it takes to make you use your brain, then so be it!" She pointed an accusing finger at Jolly, who looked confused and scared. "You need to go get y/n back right now or get on the next flight to Sweden because I can't stand having you around. You make me so mad, both of you, pretending you don't care about each other. She's depressed as shit living there with her fuckin awful family, but she'd rather stay there than come home because of you!" She roughly gets off the couch and storms out of the room, heading for the stairs. "You're such an idiot," she yelled over her shoulder at Jolly.

Noah raised his eyebrows and bit his lip to stop laughing as he saw Jolly's dumbfounded face. Jolly put down his food and looked at Noah with a puzzled expression. "What did I do?" he asked innocently.

Noah shrugs and says, "I think it's more of what you didn't do…"

Kayla comes back down the stairs, holding her food in her hands. She glared at Jolly one more time and flipped him off, then walked out of the room. "Buy the damn ticket!" she screamed from the hallway.

Noah heard the door slam and shook his head. "Well," he said, standing up and grabbing his food. "There's your answer. Bring y/n home."

"How am I supposed to do that?" He loudly asks.

"I don't know but you need to figure it out, Kayla might actually kill you in your sleep."

You grab your coat and head for the door, feeling a sense of excitement and anticipation for the day ahead. You were going hiking with your sister and her husband, and you couldn't wait to explore the great outdoors with them. As you glance at the clock, you groan in annoyance, realizing you're running late again. You can't help but wonder why you're always so disorganized and frazzled.

You pull the door open, taking a deep breath of fresh air as you step outside. Suddenly, you're nearly choking on air as you see a familiar face staring back at you. Jolly stands there with a backpack over his shoulder, his long hair draped over his shoulders, and a black backward hat covering the top of his head. He's dressed in black skin jeans and a deep red plaided flannel, looking effortlessly stylish and cool.

Your shock disappears as quickly as it came, replaced by annoyance at the sight of Jolly. You can't help but feel irritated that he's here, disrupting your plans for the day. You'd be lying if you said you didn't feel a little bitter still.

"Hi." He quietly says, looking from you to the ground, feeling awkward. He hadn't planned what he was going to tell you.

"Can I come in?" he quietly asks.

You nod your head, stepping aside. "I was leaving, but I guess this kind of changes my plans," you say, rolling your eyes. "What are you even doing here?" You say as you follow him to the living room. "I've tried so hard not to think about you; I moved states, Jolly, and now you're at my house. Are you trying to make my life hard?" You don't sit down knowing you're too heated to stay in one place.

Jolly doesn't sit on the couch either. Instead, he sits on the armrest, staring at you with confusion and annoyance; he folds his hands in his lap and allows you to continue. Why was everyone so irritated with him? He didn't know what he did in the first place. "What did I do?" He questions.

You're eyes dart back to him. "You treated me like I was special, OK? I thought I was special to you…then, you go and date other people." You say, running out of breath. "Then I dated other people because I thought you didn't want me and I was right, you didn't care at all, but then I dumped them because all I could think about was you!" You dramatically cover your face with your hands, pacing back and forth. You enter your kitchen and stare out the sliding glass door. Your back facing Jolly as he observes you. "I stayed in your bed the night before I left, and you still let me go."

"I thought you were leaving for a job! I didn't want to be the reason you didn't go!" He whines. "You told me you were leaving for a job."

You still don't turn around to look at him, knowing he was right, "I just thought you'd ask me to stay if you really wanted me."

He stands straight, walking toward you; you feel his hands on your shoulders, spinning you around to face him. His dark eyes scan your face, wishing he wasn't the reason you were upset.

He leans in close, his breath warm on your face. "You were always special to me," he whispers, his voice low and sincere. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just confused and scared. I didn't know how to handle my feelings for you. I was afraid of losing you, so I pushed you away. I never stopped thinking about you. I came here to tell you that. To tell you that I'm sorry. To tell you I need you."

Jolly pulls back slightly, his eyes searching yours for a sign of forgiveness. He gently cups your face in his hands, his thumbs stroking your cheeks. He smiles softly, his eyes shining with hope. "Can you give me another chance?" he asks, his voice pleading.

You feel a surge of emotion, a mix of anger, pain, and love. You want to scream at him, to push him away. But you also want to hug him, to kiss him, to hold him close. You're torn between your head and your heart. You look into his eyes, and you see the sincerity and the regret.

You see the man you fell in love with, the man who made you laugh, the man who made you feel alive. You feel your resolve weakening, your walls crumbling. You lean in and press your lips to his, answering his question with a kiss.

"So I'm bringing you home." He smiles against your lips. Pulling back, his brown eyes search yours, "This long distance thing isn't how I want to start this." he gently kisses your forehead.

You nod knowingly, "I guess we should start packing."

Jolly smiles, running his hand through your hair, "I'm pretty sure Kayla has a timer set."

You giggle. "She is absolutely crazy." You lean up, kissing Jolly again. "But it's why we love her."

He nods in agreement, "Plus she's Noah's problem."

With a cautious glance, you gently push the front door open, hoping no one will notice your arrival and ambush you as soon as you enter the house.

You sneak into the living room on your tiptoes, holding Jolly's hand.

Noah and Kayla are so engrossed in the TV show that they don't even look at you.

You pretend to be nonchalant and sit down on the recliner next to them, giving them a hard stare.

Her eyes widen as she realizes who you are, and she jumps off the couch and runs toward you. You're home! This is fucking amazing!" She screams in your ear. "I was expecting you guys to take more time, to be honest…you both suck at directions. I don't know how you managed to drive all the way back here." She laughs as she releases you from her hug and embraces Jolly instead, "Look at you. I can finally be in the same room as you without being pissed off. I'm so proud of you." She jokes with him. "Wow," She scans the room and sees the three of you together. "So, is it official now? Can we all just admit how stupid the two of you were? I mean, come on, you could have just moved down the street instead of moving two states away." She snuggles up to Noah on the couch. "I'm not going through this again. You guys have to sort things out by yourselves from now on." She says and acts like she's dismissing you.

Jolly chuckles, sitting in the recliner; he grabs you and makes you sit on his lap, catching you off guard.

You shake your head light laughter falling from your lips, "Well, I missed you too, dick."

You lean into Jolly's chest and wrap your arms around him, feeling his warmth and heartbeat. You sigh in contentment and happiness, glad to be home with the people who loved you the most.

[littlesislovesyou]

Oh no I know the reason you kept them to yourself and I'd love for you to keep it that way. It is more special <3 but it also is comforting to know that only you and me know what's in my head. And maybe people who follow you get to see like the 1 percent I leak out in the asks you actually answer from me LOL idk I feel more confident knowing you'll have me as your dirty little secret as you are mine. 🤭🔪

But I would love that thought so much 💞 I'll gladly help you with angles you can't on your own while resisting my primal urges screaming in both of my heads as my eyes can't get enough of you in every shot and angle. And I'd love to be the hand wrapped around your throat in pictures or perhaps the one holding the knife...driving everyone else crazy and making them wish they were me in that moment <3333 then when we're done making content I'm gonna make you cry and scream my name to the roof and the poor neighbors outside as I breed and fuck you til you can't walk~ Unleashing all of my desires on you once the job well done is over...

Fuckkkkk in that sense you have so much control over me. I'm just a pawn in your game of chess that yearns for and can't stop thinking about you. But you can have me anytime you want and turn me into something more. Promoting me further so I can have you all to myself. But I'd always be wrapped around your little finger and I'd never forget you even if I wanted to try...every relationship or sexual encounter just reminds me that I want you. Need youuu 🥵 no one would ever compare <3333

I think you described us both in simple words

"I could fix her but honestly whatever the fuck is wrong with her is way hotter" 😭 but tysmmmm,your reassurance means alot and it's that kindness that leads to brief moments of feeling like I can be vulnerable with you and you won't snap. Won't get mad. You'll just listen and even if you don't understand completely you'd be there and it's enough for me to cry tbh lmaoooo

But yes let's be fucked up, depraved and nasty together~ No one else needs to know or have what we do~ Together 😈💕

Honestly it's the fact that you said that. That you love this and can handle what I have to give that makes me feel like I don't have to hold back. Like I can both hug you and do unspeakably filthy things to you and you'd thank me for it even as I apologize 💕💕

I'm happy you like them so much though thank you. And yes I found your blog and went through the 5 stages of grief of whether or not I should fall into this depraved hole and accept I am into way darker shit than I realized and eventually reached acceptance and stayed. Your responses, personality and concepts really sold me on staying though.

I still can't reblog from here though. You really are my dirty little secret that I can't let people know about but I'll promise to make up for that these asks and attention.

So yes I stalked you for a whole month while debating myself. Like a conflicted being being tempted by the taboo and then the fates decided and I too. Should stay and perhaps have you all for myself 🖤 but sharing you with your followers because hey I'm not evil. The amount of horny older men you've tempted on here...you've gotta take responsibility yk? But something tells me you'd like that...being loaned out and shared by your owner and used like a desperate slut, a needy fuckpet tempting married men from their wives and siblings to fuck their lil sis...have you no shame? But then again...I suppose when I'm with you. I don't have any shame either for liking and getting off to what we do... 😈🖤

Hehe 🫶☺️ I also keep them bc I don’t want anyone else seeing all the nasty and depraved disgustingly hot things you’d like to do to me<333 my eyes only;’) you’re my little secret🖤 you could probably tell me your dirtiest fantasy and it would probably make me wet I won’t even lie<333

Agh yes💕 you would do such great camera work for sure<3 making sure everything looks good, and when your hand wraps around my throat for the picture you’ll be who I’m staring up at🖤🖤🖤 something tells me we’d always be on each other like two animals<3 all the time and I love it🖤🫶 you take after my own kinky heart<3

And ahhh so true;’) also I’m really glad you felt comfortable enough to explore a new side to yourself I won’t even lie some of the things I post I wasn’t into before I made the blog, some of them kinda just developed for me, ahh sorry I don’t wanna ramble but yeah so never feel bad for that🖤 I’m really glad you stayed to enjoy my filthy posts<3

And also how did u like perfectly describe me bc literally I cannot really ever make anyone feel bad about themselves that’s just not in me, I also don’t know why I would get mad at you for being vulnerable, like ever, I’m really glad you feel like you can be!🥺💕

I’d love to just explore your most fucked up fantasies with you;’) 🖤🖤🖤

And agh hey don’t worry about it, I understand honestly🖤🖤 I don’t mind being your secret at all 🫣

And ahhh that’s so hottt hh<3 you’re gonna make me melt 💕 are you my owner in this case?;’) because that’s the only way I’m going to enjoy it~

Having you keep me as your slutty personal pet, would you share me?;’) take photos for me and help me decide which ones to post, which ones you like best<333 ahh

[tavrosdidnothingwrong]

Homestucktober 2023 (1-5)

1) Patron Troll

Seer gang rise up ✊🏽 (I'd done two classpect tests since 2012 and both times I was a Seer, my aspect just changed from Void to Doom which isn't a good sign lol...although the one I just tried from 4chan is telling me I'm a Page of Void now...I mean I'll take it because it's an aspect I've gotten before but I'm not really trying to be Jake or Tavros out here they both got so screwed over lol)

Anyway if she were my actual patron in a game session I'd be fucking terrified because of what she puts John and Dave through but also probably laughing my ass off at her antics and impressed by her intense sensing ability despite the blindness

2) Favorite Beta Kid

Dave Strider is much needed comedic relief in such a tragic tale and his ramblings are often as deeply philosophical as they are deeply ridiculous. I don't even have the right words to describe all this character has done for me. I'm in love with the Time aspect even though it's probably the last aspect I'd be assigned to because I think Time players have to deal with the multiplicity of the self the most out of everyone (except maybe Space players), and what a fucking difficult thing that must be. I will always wonder how he managed to spend IIRC weeks in the game whereas for everyone else it was just 24 hours (and of course Davesprite spending IIRC four months trying to fix his doomed session...my heart)

3) Favorite Beta Troll

(IIRC the beta trolls are technically the dancestors but I just call the original 12 the betas sometimes because they deal with the beta kids and we meet them first. Anyway)

Again I don't have words enough to describe what Karkat has done for me. Karkat rounding up and trying to lead eleven other insane motherfuckers and losing his cool often but almost always asserting, in his way, that it's because he deeply cares. You really see this in Act 6 Post Murderstuck when we find him in Openbound and he's obviously dealing with the weight of having failed at leadership so hard that over half of his teammates are dead. It probably took him a while of raging at how long the meteor trip would be (and upset Sollux didn't stay after "dying" in front of him again) before the sadness set in, but if there's one thing Karkat isn't, it's afraid of emotion. Also the PCG, CCG, FCG conversations remain some of my favorites in the entire canon, especially the one where FCG berates CCG for "wanting [Terezi] in every quadrant like a desperate fool." If there's one thing I can relate to about Karkat it's that I will also always read past me for filth even if it's hard. I use it as a form of self pruning and improvement and eventually I think FCG gets that too.

4) Favorite Alpha Kid

It was Dirk for a long time until maybe the last year or two, but I realized after re-reading the Epilogues that relating to him as much as I do is probably really bad lol, but Roxy was always a close second. Obsessed with the fact that the wild alcoholic, who one might think would be the worst team member because of that, instead sobers up and fully embodies John's role as the "friendleader" which is why I think they end up getting along so well. Despite the obstacles Roxy is full of love for their friends, and with friends like the people who they end up becoming in the Epilogues, you gotta hand it to them for their persistence. Considering that they were in a Void session their positivity throughout was pretty amazing to me, also shout out to them for fully embracing Calliope's skull appearance and finding them beautiful anyway. Alien love wins

5) Favorite Alpha Troll

Okay but can we talk about the fact that she ends up alive??? As a huge stan of hers since we started seeing her I was fucking living my best life lol I can't hate it whatsoever even though it was at John's expense 😭 Meenah's one of the most determined characters in the entire thing fr, she really said "fuck being dead for millions of years after isolating myself on the moon to avoid responsibility, now I want all the responsibility, all of it." Fully meets Karkat again in Candy and is like "lemme reverse what HIC did and use my ancient Queen powers to benefit the mutant," imo an incredible foil to her future self even though they're very much the same troll and speak pretty much exactly the same. Fish puns are hysterical to me most of the time, her unwavering dedication to the shtick 4x as hard as Feferi did it and editing/improving ones she doesn't like in the middle of her sentences 😂 I cosplayed as her at AX 2013 and had a blast, except for that Cronus cosplayer who tried to hit on me in character, I had no idea what to do lmao

[destinyc1020]

Destiny I need your opinion 😭

I stopped being a timothee fan after he made that tasteless joke a few months ago (I was slowly losing interest in him anyways but that was the icing on the cake), and I don’t really care to see anything with him in it. Also, I’ve been VERY vocal about Palestine and the genocide going on is Gaza/Rafah, so I’m very much pro-Palestine. However, between my love for zendaya/florence (& lowkey infatuation with Austin) and all the flodaya press interviews/outfits, I’ve been interested in maybe giving dune 2 a chance. I’ve been seeing thousands of people for months on twitter saying they’re boycotting dune 2 given its appropriating nature and timothee’s lowkey zionistic antics, and I do agree those are valid points. But I’m starting to get an itch to get a dune 2 ticket 😭 internally I feel heavily conflicted and also kind of fraudulent because I’ve been a heavy boycott advocate but now I’m starting to reflect and questioning whether boycotting the movie is even the correct route. I know it’ll ultimately be up to me, but I’d love to hear your thoughts cause I’m fighting a battle with myself on this.

Hey Anon! 👋🏾

I almost feel like your ask is a "Confession Sunday" ask hahaha. 😅

There are a lot of conflicting emotions in this post of yours lol. 🤭

Anyway, I'll be honest, I'm very HESTITANT in even breaching this topic again because I really don't like discussing political issues on my blog. It can be very contentious, divisive, and get people very heated. Not only that, but I feel like no matter what side of the fence you sit on, I always end up getting attacked in my inbox by someone who passionately feels differently from me.

I can't speak on certain issues because I just don't feel comfortable enough with knowing both sides to weigh in on them. So, my disclaimer is that I'm not coming at your question with an "educated" or "well-rounded" political historical viewpoint. I'm just an average person. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I don't like conflict, and I don't like drama. I try to stay out of it as much as possible.

With that said...... TL;DL Version: Anon, you have my permission to watch this movie lol, or not. Basically, do whatever you want lol 😅

The LONG Version: Below 👇

My Honest Opinion?

Like I've said before, people are FREE to do whatever they want with regards to this "Dune: Part 2" movie (and ANY movie for that matter). What bothers one person might not bother another. Ykwim? I just feel like no matter what decision a person makes, they shouldn't be judged for it either way. It's THEIR choice.

Spare yourself the inner turmoil Anon lol. It's JUST a movie. It's not like it's a Governmental declaration, or a formal political statement. As much as Timothee was insensitive and messed up with that SNL skit.... I'm sorry, but he is NOT the only cast member in this film. Nor is he the only individual that worked on it (cast, crew, director, stunt people, etc) And if you have a genuine interest in, or are a fan of some of the OTHER cast members in the film (i.e. Zendaya, Florence, Austin, Rebecca, Christopher Walken, etc.) then why should the rest of the cast be punished just because of the stupid/silly insensitive actions of their ONE cast member?? 🥴

Is that really fair to the rest of the cast, crew, and others who worked tirelessly HARD on this movie? 🤔 I don't care for what Jonathan Majors did to his gf, but that doesn't mean that I'm personally never going to watch the movie "Creed 3" again. That movie was hard work, and Michael B. Jordan's directorial debut. It was a GOOD film. Why should Michael be punished just cuz his co-star is an a**hole?? 🥴

Another thing.... This movie is going to make BANK regardless of if you or others decide to see it or NOT. 👀

I think if the FILM itself were preaching anti-Palestine rhetoric, or it was a formal declaration of political views on the Gaza/Palestine and Israel conflict, then I think I would feel very differently about this film.

Another thing I wonder: Has Timmy himself come out and said that he is against Gaza/Palestine?? 🤔 (Serious question) Has he provided his stance on the conflict? His "Hamas" skit (which wasn't the entire joke btw) was insensitive, yes, but do we REALLY know his real stance on this issue? Or, did he just underestimate how insensitive that skit was (that he didn't even write btw)?

I also look at how the cast has treated him. The cast KNOWS him personally. If they really had an issue with him, we would know it. You can only hide your disgust for a person for so long....no matter if you're an "actor" or not. It will come out in small ways eventually (i.e. body language, little glances, facial expressions, etc). The fact that the cast seems not only fine with Timmy, but genuinely HAPPY with him is pretty telling to ME.

Like I said, they know him way better than we do. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Lastly, The film is being praised as one of the best films of all time (kind of a stretch if you ask me, but hey, WB loves this type of marketing lol).... It actually seems like it's going to be GOOD film. Are you going to skip it just because of one person? That's just a question for inner reflection. I could see if the movie SUCKED or is getting horrid reviews lol, but it actually seems like the film is being enjoyed tremendously by most people. Many are saying it's even better than Part 1. 👀

With all of that said.....

If it really bothers your conscience that you support Gaza but might want to see this movie that stars Timothee in the lead role, then just do whatever YOU feel is best for YOU Anon. 😊 Imo, nobody should judge you either way, and people online (who don't even know you personally btw) shouldn't have a say on YOUR life. But if it bothers you that deeply, then simply don't watch! It's just as simple as that lol. 😊 Nobody is forcing you to watch, just like nobody should be forcing you to NOT watch.

I'll be curious to see what decision you make Anon lol. You should come back here and tell us. Either way, you won't get any judgement on it from me. If it means anything, you have my "permission" Anon (not that you needed it lol) to go and watch this movie lol. 🤭 Like I said before, it's JUST a movie, it's JUST a piece of art. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[blueberrypie20]

Okay i never thought i'd do this but

vent! :D I was trying to be chill about it but my throat is so crumpled it leaves no way for me to breath and so i thought maybe i had to share it with someone. I'll use Japanese names so no one woukd understand our irl names ^^

You see, i have ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) since a very young age (I don't eat potatoes, eggplants, mayonnaise and some more - basically no salad, fries, chips etc) and so I don't eat most popular foods.

So today we had soup, and my ARFID kicked in like "the stuff in it is too softened! It'll taste bad!" And so for a while I kept on playing with the soup.

I convinced myself that it's good, and right before eating i asked my mom "is it delicious?" Wanted to make sure it's gonna taste nice and better than expected. And she nodded smiling. So i went to eat, but my aunt - who happened to have heard a part of our convo - thought I didn't like it and told mom "it's not delicious" and so she told my grandma (who was preparing chicken that they had before) "she doesn't eat soup! Bring chicken!"

And I was like "wdym?? I like it?? I'm eating tho??" And my mom explained what I actually had told her before eating. But my aunt didn't give up and went "then why'd you say she doesn't eat this before dinner?" My mom was like WDYM??

Girl's so damn judgmental 😀

So we started eating and my mom and aunt kept talking, and i don't remember how we got there (I was busy eating to take her face down lol, I think my mom did tell her she's talking weirdly) but my aunt was like "okay if i'm judgemental then why'd your daughter tell me 'why'd you come upstairs?? Wanna eavesdrop/spy on us or something??' When I came upstairs the other day??" I was like NAH WTF 🤨 (grandma's house has two floors, we sleep upstairs when we come)

And a few mins after again she said that I insulted her baby daughter Hikari (not irl) a while ago. sure, I sometimes can't control and curse, but why exactly would I ever insult an 8 MONTH OLD BABY???

(Btw the soup wasn't THAT bad, but stupid mind kept on pressuring my mind as 'it tastes bad' and so I couldn't finish my bowl anyway-)

You know what? I wanted to cry. I was the usual unflappable polaris in front of her and my (poor, poor) grandma (i'm worried for her), but I couldn't breathe when I went upstairs after dinner with my mom.

Let alone that I have a guilt complex as well and apologized to my grandma twice bc of what happened eventhough I wasn't the main issue.

Anyway, it was a trash meal, but i kept calm and the mask didn't slip in front of her, and so i'm TRYING to stay chill n happy about it :)))

[hideyseek]

5, 9, 12!

crab!! hi hi hi hi hi hiiiii~! ty for quastions :3

from fanfic asks for the new year

5. Which WIP is first on your list to complete this year? Will you post a snippet?

aha, well. technically the first is mini heist!au but none of it is written that is in the shape of the final thing that i haven't already posted on here so i'm gonna cheat and say uh. wow huh okay then i kind of have no idea. ah! maybe my arthurcobb fic then! cos it sure won't be narrative!fic, lol!

here is a snippet from the current draft which is uhh three and a half years old (by which i mostly mean to say, there are a couple things in here i would write differently now.):

Arthur brings his coffee up to the counter where Dom has already deposited his onion rings and says, “Excuse me, can I purchase a — a temporary phone?” If he doesn't call it a burner maybe he will come off as more the kind of person he actually is. The cashier puts up a finger in question and Arthur nods but behind him Dom says firmly, “Two.”  Arthur turns, surprised. “Why — we don’t need two?” They’re traveling together, after all. Arthur’s not about to leave Dom alone, so it’s not like Dom will need his own phone. It’s not like Dom’s super functional, anyway. The three days he’d spent on Arthur’s couch before they read the news and had to leave town extremely suspiciously, he’d really just spent on the couch. “We don’t need two phones, Dom,” Arthur repeats.  “What if we get separated,” Dom points out. “How would we get in contact with each other again? You should have your own phone, too.” Arthur would rather not think about circumstances that would separate them. Dom says, “Arthur,” and it feels pointed. Something like panic hollows Arthur’s chest. Things are already out of control, apparently. Two days into being on the run and apparently Dom can call these shots but he can’t be on the run by himself.

9. Short term goals… what do you hope to complete this week or in January?

ahaha actually, getting this ask made me decide that i'm going to try my absolute best to finish the project i've been calling "mini heist!au" (which ... at this point ... is just an au of heist!au without any heists in it, lmao) this month! i used answering this ask as my bribe for reading through all the existing material and drawing up a revision plan / new fic story structure actually. i'm not sure i'll be able to, i suspect there are 2-4 drafts and i simply do not write that fast (at least one from scratch based on a new outline, possibly a second from scratch, and then a second/third that's just like. content/theme/cadence/character arcs etc revisions. though that might get complex enough to be two drafts). but we'll see! there are still 24 days so at this current moment i am optimistic :3

12. Will you change anything about the way you edit or rewrite this year?

YES I SURE FUCKING WILL. I HAVE BEGUN IT ACTUALLY, mostly i'm continuing to test a thing i tried in december 2023 to see if it still works for projects that aren't the specific situation of the beginning of devotion (so far, yes!) anyway the way that process goes is like this (recipe below):

first, write a terrible draft. some scenes can just be a note of what needs to happen. ideally: expend as little fucking effort on this as possible bc like. almost none of this will stay. just write enough to get the vibes of what you're going for.

second, read through that draft taking notes of what you like or don't like (or, the way i phrase it for myself to make the goal clearer "what feels like it is aligned with my vision for the fic vs what isn't") but most importantly. WHY.

for me doing this second step has 2/2 turned into "here is a rough outline of the story, completely restructured" but also, with no ending (which is fine, i just have to trust that the ending will appear when more of the draft is written).

third, compile those notes on a new draft into a narrative-order outline (linear for me).

fourth, write the new draft.

fifth, try to do step 2 again. but what i found for the beginning of devotion and therefore what i'm to a certain extent expecting, is that i will just have a bunch of Ns/dislikes and then go. ah. because the things i dislike are too granular to require big-picture story structure changes now.

sixth, copy the most recent draft into a new doc. and read through and revise directly on the page. maybe title at some point so that revision stuff is aligned with the mood/tone/content/vibes/whatever of the title. and maybe come up with initial tags and a summary here also to make sure the vibes are all aligned. hopefully the content of the ending will become clear at this point and you'll draft that for the first or second time.

seventh, idk i like to do an out-loud readthrough bc reading cadence is important to me personally. and also i am scared to lose the skill of reading aloud considering i do it about zero times a year other than this.

that's it basically.

[miawstic]

oh hey!

it's me! I'm back!

lots of folks are flocking over from twitter right now, so now seems like a good time to start again for myself as well—though I've actually been thinking about starting again for a long time now. a lot has changed in my life and in return I've changed a lot about this blog, so I'll be talking about it all for a bit.

there'll be a tl;dr at the bottom if you don't feel like reading it all, but I'd appreciate if you did!

so, hey. I thought for a long time about what to do with this account. this place spawned and held a lot of memories of people who did me wrong and the mistakes I'd made, and it was bad enough for a while that I just didn't want to look at it at all.

it took a long time to accept what happened to me and that it shouldn't have happened, and that I shouldn't be protecting and supporting the people who were involved anymore. but, yeah, I think I was kinda groomed. that sucks, and I won't go into details about it. I'm thankful to have the clarity I have now as an adult to come to terms with it.

I considered wiping this account entirely and moving to a new account—both to try to erase what happened and to have a more appropriate place to house the new type of content I've moved onto. but, I've had this account since the day I turned 13. I'm 22 now. it's been my home and I'm not letting any assholes' influence taint it and take it away from me. also, I can post what I want, lol.

that all being said, though, I have updated the look of this this place to match my current tastes! I'd like to do even more, but I'll need to draw stuff to do that. so, while this blog has already been hugely overhauled, it'll continue to be a work in progress until I get the time to make some assets for it. I also wiped a large chunk of my old posts because, frankly, nobody needs to see all of that. and, y'know, memories of being groomed and all that, lol. I'd like to totally redo my about as well—maybe make a new one entirely somewhere else?

speaking of Blogs and Posting, I should probably let you all know that I'm not going to be posting anymore megaman content anymore—neither through my own posts nor reblogs. I've grown out of that fanbase, and I think it's time to move on for everyone's sake. if that disappoints you, I'm sorry, but also, I'm not sorry because this is the best thing for me. I don't need it anymore, but I'm grateful for all the growing I did while being into it. you're entirely welcome to leave if cookie run and my ocs aren't your jam—thanks for staying with me all this time! and to those who choose to stay regardless, you have my whole heart. thank you to both!

I can't say how often I'll be posting here, as I've gotten a lot of things in my life now that eat up my time (this is a good thing, in my teenage years I would've never imagined having the responsibilities I have now!). on top of two jobs, I also co-own the cookie run kingdom wiki now! managing and improving that place takes a LOT of my time, seriously. it's made me slow down significantly in making my art, but that's alright—I seriously love it there, and I've met so many amazing people and built a lot of other skills from being there. like coding! I can do that now! I'm responsible for coding and designing a very big portion of the templates and extra styling on there, and I'm very, very proud of it! being a representative of the wiki, you can always feel free to ask me about the site, its policies, etc. here. also, I'll probably be going back to school soon...

but anyways, oh yeah, art. I've got a pretty good backlog of completed drawings that I'll be posting to here. I'll be queuing the posts to come out at probably a rate of one a day until they're up, though. no more posting 7 pieces in one day and posting the next in 3 months (at least for now 🤔). like I said, I don't have a ton of time to draw constantly like I used to, but I'll do what I can in making more in the future. as for what I'll be drawing, I mean, probably cookie run. maybe some ocs though, because I've got a few ideas. maybe things from my other interests? we'll see! I've also been sculpting a lot, actually...

and yeah, don't let the seriousness of this post fool you; I'll certainly still be reblogging dumb, non-serious posts like I always did. fixing up the look of the blog itself is enough professionalism I think 😵‍ also! I'll be letting up on all the trigger warning tags I had used in the past—scopophobia, animals, food, that kind of thing—because I've literally never been asked to tag anything like that. I mean, feel free to let me know if you do need things like those tagged, but, starting now, I'm going to take it a little easier with the tags. very common triggers (blood, abuse, so on) will still be tagged, of course.

I think that's it? yeah. nice to be here again, it's much more relaxed and individualized than twitter! I think I almost felt intimidated by tumblr for a long time since it almost feels like posts need to have more "purpose" than tweeting on twitter. but, like, I'm older and give less of a shit now. my house, I post silly thing.

---

thanks for reading if you did! here's your tl;dr:

I've deleted the majority of my old posts and revamped the look and theming of my blog to have a fresh start, to cut rotten ties, and to have a place that suits my current self. also so I don't have to be embarrassed every time I post.

no more megaman! in terms of art, it'll be cookie run and maybe some ocs, or whatever else. art won't be frequent, though, because I'm always busy with work and the crk wiki.

I'll be posting my backlog of completed art over the next few days.

I'm no longer tagging the more specific trigger tags like scopophobia (unless you really want me to???).

you should commission dani.

[firespirited]

About yesterday's cry for connection, several things happened at once, as they do. On top of the seasonal despresh hitting it's lows and teasing brief moments of clarity.

Small on the richter scale: The gmail app once again failed to block dad's email which was a seemingly anodyne "happy birthday did you get my ecard (i did and promptly put my emails on their 'do not send' list) , did you do anything special with your friends for the big 4.0?" 1- He's acting like we're buddies, I haven't spoken to him in a decade 2- He's either forgotten or in denial about his complete failure at being a decent human being in November which led to sis finally giving up on him. 3- One of his fave digs was my lack of solid friends (he moved us every three years so that's partly on him) and inability to do milestone stuff like an 18th or 21st birthday bash. It's very on brand to be able to break me in two nice sentences. But it's not so much him per se but the friends who turned out to be anti vaxx or anti mask so I expressed sadness and haven't tried to rebuild. I'm not sure there is any thing to rebuild when folks are explicit their beliefs exclude you.

Bigger on the richter scale: I've injured my pectorals several times in march doing abdominal building exercises and having to catch myself when my hip give out from pain. It's very painful and sets me right back. I need to work on all the muscles around the hips before I can start work on my atrophied lower back. It's at least 3 more months added to the rehabilitation process. Realistically I don't think I'll be rerooting or doing any handicrafts over 40 minutes long per week until 2024. And then it won't be commissions.

It's been 3 full months of rehab work, there is real visible progress but it's very slow and disappointingly small.

I also have to whittle down the project dolls I've kept and get it all out of the house even at a loss (oof) along with a serious re-evaluation of what I buy (double oof). Project dolls are only fun if you can actually *do* the project not just know the exact steps you *would* do. That means other types of treats and finding other things to do when I've got some free time and am itching to make something. The ones that will stay need hairstyles, maybe quick decoden hair and wigs so I won't be reminded until I'm ready, plastic is patient but I am not! (That'll actually be fun to do)

In good news, the anemia has improved and my eyebrows are growing back brown (4mm of brown, 6 of white lol) , I'm on a more solid treatment for GI candida and hope to heal my sore half taste-broken tongue.

I've resolved to purchase anti-mosquito summer clothes for walks if needed as a necessary health expense. Ties into the money insecurities mentioned before with a mental 'fix'.

Tiny on the richter scale but these things add up :

The whiplash of seeing dolltwt acting like they're the nice place for nice people or "it's only funny when it's us, it's malicious if you're someone who can't sit with us". Can't believe I got sucked into that nonsense. Stupid rabbithole to go down.

A youtuber getting too parasocially needy and setting off all my alarm bells.

Way more youtubers who *were* interesting and educational on certain subjects but lately have got lost in navel gazing about whether they're making the mind changing art/activism they dreamed of. It's part film grad, part evangelical need to have convert notches on your belt instead seeing the value in rebuilding broken things, paying someone's bills, prevention not miracles.

You could be educating for education's sake (teacher isn't a lesser job) and doing art for art's sake. I can handle a certain amount of self indulgence and there is always a place for self congratulation on a hard job but the performative is winning out over the active work and I just don't have much grace left to spare right now. I'd rather hear a well made liberal journalistic podcast on a subject than watch a radical leftist who'll derail the point with the implication that it's a sacrifice to be talking about this subject instead of being a 'proper' film maker.

Doesn’t sound like much but when you've carved out your hour of listening and that's not happening because it's become messy then there's a hole and it's really hard to find the right balance of interesting but no cliffhangers or nihilism, no toxic positivity no false promises. With my current desperation for routines and extreme pickyness: You see the problem right?

So, in a nutshell I need to find new treats, new entertainment, more courage to get rid of items I'm attached to, find rerooters in the EU so I can just refer all queries without having to explain that my back is rekt and the rest of me is rekt so healing will be stupid long, set a goal of acceptable hip pain while exercising and a goal of how much hip pain to aim for that won't mess with ab and dorsal work. Wait til enough emotional balance to donate recycle clothes that look rough. Dare to open up and make new friends knowing that heartbreak is inevitable. Cool cool cool. We'll start small.

❤️❤️❤️

[subdee]

ADHD anon one more time: Not offended at all! The default in most new parent situations seems to be the mom getting stuck with all the childcare + work + domestic duties for 18+ years. That sounds like a nightmare. I think it's reasonable to be suspicious of a man's capacity to participate in childcare. I lean towards a cynical perspective myself so I have a lot of reservations about this kind of committment. My partner and I will likely start living together soon, so this is not something I'll be able to have a confident opinion on until after we spend some time sharing a household.

Thank you for your perspective. I'm not close with anyone my age who has kids, and I feel that older people in my life cannot offer any useful advice. The world is too different and I'm not okay with their expectation to drop my career to raise kids. Being a stay at home mom works for some people, I'm sure, but I see this dynamic create too many power imbalances for me to be comfortable with it. Unfortunately my partner earns a lot more money than me, which is comforting in some ways and threatening in others, lol.

But it's a thing that can only be dealt with through communication and time, I think.

Hi anon, I'm so so sorry for taking more than a month to answer this, I actually went back to work on the day you sent this in and then things got a little crazy...

I hope things are going okay with you and your guy, and that living together has either put your mind at ease or clarified the situation... my husband has been home with the baby while I've been at work and he's been doing a fantastic job, I got a good one I think.

His work buddies like to rag on him by calling up to ask how the retirement is going, as if raising a baby isn't also work (well. maybe if you do it in a lazy way and let the kid watch TV all the time it isn't :P) but that is neither here nor there.

Not being able to rely on older people is tough though, for sure. My mother is one of those who got stuck with most of the childcare and housework for 18+ years even though she's a feminist and it definitely kept her from a promotion at work - she made it to vice-head of her department but only after my brother and I were in college.

I'm already turning down some work opportunities to spend time with the baby this summer, but that's (mostly) my choice bc I don't want to put him in daycare yet, and it also doesn't make financial sense to teach a summer robotics camp for half a day (only) AND pay daycare fees... and my mom is happy to be grandma for a few hours, once or twice a week but she doesn't want to be full-time childcare again... but mostly it's my choice, there will always be work opportunities but my baby will only be a baby once.

Wishing you luck, anon!!!

[aamethyst000]

feeling so blue right now, i feel kind of stupid about it lmao - july 2,24 - 7:12pm

Dude, my 3DS fricken broke a couple of days ago and ive been sad about it ever since lmao i was almost done with my master quest on OoT!! how abosultely frusturatingg is THAT?! i was at the last temple, getting to the very last sage before finding out who sheik's other identity is. i didnt even get to start over on majoras mask or kirby. Now im on the look out for a new DS, whether it be a 2DS or a 3DS again i'll decide that when i know i have enough money for it. which will take a long while because i still dont have a goddamn job EVEN THOUGH ive applied to 3!!!! other jobs this year but absolutley no one has answered me. i fucking hate it when they just ghost me like that. i'd rather have them telll me striaght up that im not "fit" for the position i apllied for, or simply just not hired. that's all i want! not this no answer IS an answer bullshit. anyway, hired or not, im still going to be without a handheld concol for a good couple of months. maybe. it depends. i Just started decorating my 3ds with pretty stickers :( i literally wanted to go cry about it, only to be slapped with reality, about how old my 3ds is, that just made me mad lmao because my older brother's dsi is lasting LONGER and it is F I V E years OLDER than my 3ds!!! like, fuck off xD oh well, nothing i can do about it now, considering i dont even have enough money for just the repairs alone. so, im just going to buy a new ds instead. i know that is not any cheaper, but i'm impatient and i really want to finish my file on the master quest!! dammit!!

9;25pm - i just found out i cant play any gamecube games on my laptop :( the emulator is slow and laggy which kind of sucks but i am able to play them on my phone! ive finished twilight princess three times now and im on my way to finish wind waker now, which is taking a bit but only because this is my firdt time finishing on my own with out my older brother lol its okie, im an adult (with a short temper but thats besides the point) i can do this just by looking up the quest part on either youtube or wikihow, ive done it for the heart collections on twilight. i can do it for the wind waker playthrough. which i have about 3 times so far. and i think i am doing pretty well! for my first play through by myself. i can see why i had little to no interest in it when my family actually owned the game. i only remember my older brother playing WW, the others played mario sunshine or smash bros (both are the best btw). so, i dont blame younger me for not having too much interest.

july 5,24 1:11am - SSOOOOOOO UUUUHHHHHH.......shit just got a bit chaotic today! we just found out that my brothers school isnt going to continue high school classes. so they will have to go sign up for another school, IN ANOTHER TOWN BY THE WAY. my mother and i have been mulling it over almost all day today, she says that she doesnt want my younger brother to be staying with any of our family members and i agree with her. lemme explain, one aunty of mine tends to be agressive, some times downright abusive, another aunty, emotions fly like a humming bird who drank nothing but espresso, on of my cousin has a child of her own to look after, same with my cousins sister and she has two kids, all of which my brother does not know very well and will be shy like me and not talk for a long while. make him feel like being comfortable but shy and quiet about it is bad. anyway, my mother is very iffy about sending him into town for his last year of school and i get it. the last time she did that with my older brother and shit hit the roof with him. he moved in with one of our aunty's place, stayed for a few months before finally moving out because said aunty was trying to take advantage of my brother temporarily looking after our spoilt ass nephew who looked and treated his cousins as literal maids. not only that, she tried to start a fight with him and our cousin fucking did nothing but make it worse. so yeah, i get why my mother doesn't want to send my little brother into town. why is my little brother's high school life so chaotic and none of it is even HIS fault?? like DAMN universe!! fucking take a goddamn chill pill when handling my litlle brother THANK YOU!! and for my older brother, FUCKING LEAVE HIM ALONE HE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALREADY OR I IWLL THROW HANDS

anyway, this year has been one fckn crazy year for us, thats for goddamn sure.

july 8,24 6:35pm - i keep trying to play on the family dsi, i cant seem to stay on it long like i did with my 3ds. and i really miss my 3ds, i cant believe i have to buy another one and fucking save up for that. im planning on getting a screen protector, case and a little game case for the handheld consol. be more prepared this time and all. im just so mad the dsi is lasting longer than my fckn 3ds!! lmao just fckn RUDE! anyway, what i have in my little cart on ali express says it costs up to 205 for those things all together, i was going to look on amazon but i have doubt with their electronics and such, and it is more expensive as hell. so no thanks. i think i can wait until i have enough to buy those things for my new 3ds. i just keep onn looking at my old 3ds all sad that i cant play on it for all hours of my day. oh well, i can save up money for myself, so i can save up to get a replacement and possibly other accescories for my new ds kekekeke

i forgot to mention that i went to go hang out with my friends the other day, we had shrooms and edibles for the night, it was fckn fun and kind of upsetting lmao there were certain situations where i was questioning a lot, and other situation i just straight up did not like. other than that it was quite fun tripping pretty hard like that, however sleeping was freaking difficult lmao i was literally arguing with myself in my own head about getting to bed and sleep, i just flopped around and fucking giggled at myselef like, what the hell lmao

11:23pm - good this i double checked the 3ds for anything else that i am missing and now that ive done that, it wont turn on at all, itll just lightly beep at me almost like a whisper and then itll just shut off without the screen turning on. im even more sad lmao i cant wait till i have enough for the 3ds and the cases, i really want to finish my master quest on ocorina of time. this itch wont go away until i do. i should clean my room and start on the towels soon. the house is starting to look like a tornado went into our house and i so can tell that none of us are liking it so i am hoping that one or all of us finall gather our energy to clean up the house again. we need it and the pets really need it too. i know that the messyness is affecting us all to the point we \re getting cranky. so, yeah, we need to clean up. this will help my brain get over the guiltiness of buying myself this new handheld consol and the fact that i am using a little bit of my savings. i already have cashed out a couple moolas from the band office but no more than that. i still do not trust my little brother around my savings still. so ill be keeping some in my bank while slowly cashing them out when he doesnt know that i am going there or why. to which i only go to the band office during school days. speaking of, i still dont think that he wont be able to go and graduate on time unless i move to rupert. and if i do that, that may mean that ill have to talk to my alchoholic "dad" about helping me move to an apartment and then sign my little brother up to the highschool but the thing is, the school education there is way different than the one he is used to and grew up in. which sucks cause i was excited for him to gradutate. he only has one more year to go too! it sucks so much i wish the school is starting to get their shit together during this summer cause MY GOD!! this is ridiculous. almost no teachers in highschool? i stilll cant get over that!!! any way this will be the last journal entry for a bit, good night/day readers!

[kkikiwi]

i

i desperately need to stop thinking about him. but maybe after i ask him out on a date. after i spend one more day with him. then i'll stop. i found that i need to put myself in his shoes.

outside of the texting, if someone were to text me most days, i would think they're interested in me.

if i were to spend a whole day with them, i would think we're at least friends.

if i were to be venmo-ed half the amount that i paid for our outing, i would think they weren't interested in me like that.

if i were to hang out with them more and they continued to insist paying me back for the costs, i would think they want to stay friends.

if i couldn't even pay them back for the last outing because they paid beforehand, would i push for that? are we still friends?

i wonder if he notices that i haven't been texting him. i'm stupidly waiting for him to text me. i kind of hate chasing. i've never felt the need to because i've never had such a strong attachment to anybody. but he

he's an interesting person. we get along so well. i'm comfortable. we don't share all the same opinions, but i believe our values are similar. he frustrates me and makes me feel challenged. i feel like i can talk to him about most things. a friend can do that. but i also feel a strong physical attraction to him. i want to hold hands and hug him whenever i want. i don't even know if he'd like that. i want to know what he's like in a relationship. i want to know if he'd treat me the same if we end up together. i want to get to know his raver friends and see if they do/don't care about the world around them.

i think i care too much sometimes. and i feel so alone in this.

he's an attentive listener. that last hangout we had, i told him, for the third time, about the time i walked through dtla and skid row... /cries

did he really forget? or is he feigning that he forgot to hear me tell the story again? i don't want to delude myself into thinking that, because i'll be pulled back into an even deeper sense of limerence. ah.

i want him to know how much i like him. and i want to date him. if i told myself last year what a flipping loser i've become for seeing validation from a man, i'd give myself an aneurism.

why has it come to this?

and if he didn't like me that way, i know he'd be too nice, too considerate to stop being friends like that. one of the pitfalls of liking a guy who's genuinely nice and not fake nice.

and he's generous. he's generous. to hell with the love languages, but his is definitely acts of service. that day he wiped the chair for me, i was gone. that day we spent i was gone. when he mentioned boycotting, that was it for me. out of the men i've met irl, he's the one that has social awareness at least. that's one of the biggest things i look for but would never tell people. because of that, it seems all the more genuine when it came out of nowhere. looking back on that day, i can tell that he at least had some interest in me. i don't know about now. i want a sign. but instead of waiting, should i just go for it?

ah. and i can't stop thinking about his opinion on the industrial military complex. i know he's not vehemently for it, but that's what shook me when he actually bought from lockheed martin. after that, i was like, should we even still be friends? he definitely tried to rile me up. how could i not? seeing 9+ months' worth of these corporations bombing the hell out of several vulnerable countries is not something i would advocate for.

also, does he realize that these same corporations funding the military presence in west asia are the same ones perpetuating the exploitation of the global south?

y'know, i am appreciative that he's not holding back on very much anymore. lol. he seems comfortable talking to me about just about anything. that's reassuring.

so again. texting is not everything. my own texting habits are abysmal. don't take it to heart. reach out, tell him, and move on if it doesn't work.

it's like alyssa told me, there's nothing wrong with liking somebody or asking them out.

as abi said, the chase is so self-deprecating but worth if the other party is as dense as they are. also, her man also did and still does this. (that made me feel less alone.)

and like lia has said, how is he supposed to know that it's a date if you asked him to hang out?? you can hang out with any of your friends, and it won't be a date unless you say so.

anyway. after this, if it doesn't work out, i will no longer be seeking male validation. this sucks and feels demeaning.

will be living my best single life with no co-dependency on anyone.

[theluxuriansecret]

Diary Entry 04082024

11:40 pm

Dear Diary,

It may seem weird but I am in a stagnant state again, I have begun to find myself in one place and not sure which direction I want to head into. It is weird place to be because I am happy and also very content with my life, but I also didn't plan on ACTUALLY achieving all the things I have achieved and getting the things I want so quickly. Now I feel like I have to plan to cooperate with plans I wanted but di not think I would have.

It is truly insane, my relationship is going so well. We saw each other this past weekend and for the most part it went well. I took him to my grandma's hoarder house and we stayed there and in a weird way I feel like I showed him a piece of myself I was not ready to let him see. I let him see my real life, my real world, my real reality with no thoughts other than me wanting to spend time with him. It's so weird how a perfectionist can jump into something like that. BUT TRUST, all those perfectionist-isms caught right the fuck up to me and I started freaking out. But he didn't judge me in anyway, at least not to my face, I didn't ask what he thought either, so I guess a win is a win? He also met my parents, and they like him, but I knew they would.

Okay so to be honest, and I have to be honest, this is my Diary..duhhh umm, how do I say that our sex is kinda not what i expected at all. LOL. I thought this man would be like all over me, but maybe it's because he doesn't actively objectify me? I don't know. I fel tlike after not seeing each other for as long as it's been it would be really good, but he came quickly, which I guess also comes with not having sex for a while. I just have gone from a really sexual person, to having sex once a month, which I guess I was doing before, but I actually have a genuine connection to this person and I feel true, genuine love towards him. He felt really insecure about it as any man would, but I didn't even get to finish, which I think sucked the fucking most tbh. I don't know, I don't expect him to be a p*rn s*ar but I guess there is just a certain type of sex that I am used to? I think it's best to just talk about it with him but I never really know how to bring sex up without coming off as a horny bastard. I don't want to come off as objectifying him either, even though I do, just not towards him. It's not like I don't see him as a person though, I'm just incredibly lustful. and maybe thats my issue.

Regardless, I need to get sex out of my mind even though it is something I think about fucking constantly, I don't know if it's a real issue yet, I just know that it's everyday, a lot of the time it is what I am thinking about. I may ask my ex therapist about it, because I feel like it is damaging my fucking braincells.

I also need to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with my life besides work. I work 5 days a week now, which has absolutley been an adjustment, but I also need to get back to my hobbies to take up the time and maybe my brain and my goals will become clearer to me. I want to save!!! I want to start saving so I can move out of this house because I so desperately wish to be on my own. I want to lose those 10 pounds, I'm back up to 159 lbs which is like fine, I look fine but I still desire to be lower, I think 150 is the goal now? 155 I lowkey looked ill, BUT if I tone up more, than I should be okay. I want to start cooking for real this time, I want to do it on Monday when I wfh because I'll have the time and then I can have lunch for Tuesday or Wednesday but eating the same thing in a row is kinda crazy so we'll see. Lastly, I really want to scrapbook, it has been such a heavy thing on my mind and it WILL be started this year. A new hobby outside of my phone, maybe I can make videos just for fun to work on some other type of skill that a million people already seem to have.

This year has really been my year, I finally graduate next month and I am BEYOND ready to put undergrad truly, truly behind me and never think about it ever tf again.

That's all I got for now, goodnightt!!!

[bahamutgames]

AFTERTHOUGHTS - ROUNDUP ROUND 8

October - November 2023

Hello again!! Soon December will be upon us (or maybe it already is by the time I finish this lol. We'll see) and before you know it, 2023 will already be over. Sheesh. But we still have a few days of November and some big things in December to go through so let's take it one step at a time, okay?

Had an interesting time during October as I was finishing some RPGs and fell into a bit of a funk / gamer block after some junk. But thankfully I managed to pull myself out of it and I'm happily chipping away at my next RPG as we speak! I ended up playing a good amount of shorter stuff these past 2 months, so let's go ahead and talk about some of it!

Per the norm, these aren't reviews. Just my thoughts I'm slapping up here. You should play everything I talk about regardless of what I say and form your own opinion. Cool, let's begin!

Pikuniku (January 24, 2019) - Xbox One

As I said earlier, I fell into a bit of depressed slump for a little. And I decided that replaying Pikuniku would fix me. I played this back around the time covid started, so it had been a long while since I played it. And, yeah, it's still REALLY good! Cute visuals, one of my favorite OSTs ever probably, super charming script and story. It's such a good time honestly even if can be a little rough at points. If you haven't played this game before, I've played it twice now and it 100% gets my seal of approval.

Hatsune Miku Project DIVA F 2nd (March 27, 2014) - Playstation Vita

But... Pikuniku, despite how much I adore it. Didn't fix me. No, sadly, I was still in a bit of a slump and not sure what to play next after being drained of my gamer energy. Then I dug through my games to fetch a console for my sister, and happened to accidentally find out my other sister owned a Miku game on vita. I had no idea we had this! And I've been getting more into vocaloid lately. So what the heck? Why not play it?

I used to hate rhythm games but lately I like them a lot more and, yeah, I had a great time with this! Staying up late in bed playing it late at night was a ton of fun. I discovered a lot of new vocaloid songs I hadn't heard before (off the top of my head I really liked Melt and the spooky themed one but I'll have to relisten to them all to say which were favorites). The game is super cute, I think it looks great, I LOVE that there's a lot of costumes for each of the 6 characters, I liked all the music, and honestly yeah this game really made me feel a lot better.

Only things I can say against it is that easy is WAY too easy, not even asking you to use most buttons of the system. While normal was just WAY too brutal, I couldn't even beat Melt on Normal. Maybe I just suck though. Also I think it can be a little difficult to figure out how to equip costumes but it's not that big of a deal. I like the magician miku outfit a lot, fun game :)

Paratopic (September 6, 2018) - Nintendo Switch

Hey! Here's a game you probably would NOT expect me to play because I avoid horror like the plague lmao. But my brother bought this a long while back, and I saw it sitting there unplayed. And it's like, less than an hour long. So I figured, what the heck? And gave it a shot (shoutouts to my siblings owning random games I guess lol).

Paratopic is interesting because it's meant to be played in one go, with no saving at any point. There's not really any losing either, so it's kind of like an interactive movie. It's told out of order and is also not super in your face about the plot which could be a drawback but it's very clearly the intention so I think it does it very well. Graphics were nice, story is odd and interesting, it's a very unnerving game. I couldn't even relisten to the OST while writing this cause I was too scared (still listening to miku). But again there's no major scares as far as I recall? It's similar to Fatum Batula in art, odd themes, and the fact that it's probably a good horror game for people who hate horror. Not my thing but happy I played through it!

SLUDGE LIFE : The BIG MUD Sessions (August 2, 2023) - PC

DID YOU KNOW I'M A SLUDGE LIFE FAN!? DID YOU KNOW THAT? DID YOU KNOW I 100% COMPLETED THE FIRST GAME THE DAY I STARTED IT AND I OWN A CIGGY TSHIRT CAUSE I LOVE IT SO MUCH!?

Well anyway, I do. And somehow I missed out on the fact that there was a Sludge Life 2 demo that was free to play and had its own plot! So, naturally, I had to sit down and play it! Not a lot to say because it is a small story, taking place only in one building rather than a big city. But I thought it was a great way to get back into the swing of things with Sludge Life, and I had a blast completing this bite sized story! I even completed the full Gato Mago demo present in the game lol. If you're not sure if you'd like the games, I might honestly recommend playing this to give it a shot since it's easy to complete but has everything present in the main 2 games.

Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Booster Course Pass (March 18, 2022) - Nintendo Switch

I talked about the end of the Booster Course Pass a little bit on twitter. But just in case you missed it, I wanted to talk about it here. It's finally done, and honestly I had a blast with it. While this DLC was kinda rough at first, being pricey for some admittedly low quality tracks (at least in terms of graphics) I really think by the end they pulled it together and made this a very worthwhile package with LOTS of new tracks and even new characters that they didn't have to do! I really appreciated it!

This final set of stages was nice, DK Mountain is a classic and it's great to have it back. Rosalina's Ice World was a pleasant surprise! Bowser's Castle 3 seemed like it was gonna be the most boring one but I LOVED it! And Rainbow Road Wii was such a nice send off! Great remake of a great track!

For new tracks, Piranha Plant Cove stood out to me the most. I adored it, as it was brand new to me since I don't play Tour (my younger sister does and she hates this track lmao). But I thought it was gorgeous, has a great aesthetic with the beach/jungle ruins at night, and has great music. It felt like something out of a JRPG which love, and the music particularly reminded me of Sea of Stars a bit!

New characters were great too! Overall while there's still some characters and tracks I wish returned (Wario Stadium, ROB, stuff like that) I do think overall this DLC made MK8DX such a complete package and was totally worth the price of entry I payed however long ago. They brought back some of my all time favorite MK stuff such as Choco Mountain and Petey Piranha.

And honestly, it's looking like MK8 might finally be done. We might actually be moving onto Mario Kart 9 soon which feels crazy to me. MK8 is finished, Tour is done getting new content. I really truly think the next MK thing we see will probably be 9. And I wanted that for YEARS! When they announced the booster pass it rubbed me the wrong was cause I just wanted 9 already. But now that it's here? I'm gonna miss 8 a LOT. It's my favorite one next to DS probably. And it's been the latest Mario Kart for SO long. I remember going to gamestop the day it launched on Wii U to pick it up in 2014 (THAT'S 9 YEARS AGO, BTW. 9 YEARS OF MK8). I've gone through major life changes during the course of MK8's existence. Graduation, learning to drive, moving out (multiple times), presenting in public for the first time. Mario Kart 8 has oddly been a consistent part of my life for a while now. And I'm honestly a little emotional to let it go.

However, I'm very excited to see what comes next from this series. I'm waiting with baited breath for 9, and I'm sure that regardless of what the next game is like, I'll probably love it. It's hard to say goodbye, but I do really love MK8 more the more I think about it and reflect on my time with it. Late night playing with my sister, playing online with friends, playing with randos, driving around the tracks slowly to see all the little details. Thanks for all the good times Mario Kart 8. I'll always be using tilt controls :')

Super Kiwi 64 (December 2, 2022) - PC

Wow that last one got a little emotional, huh? Let's move onto something I haven't spent a large formative part of my adulthood playing. Siactro is a small indie dev I have become fiercely loyal to, playing just about everything they put out since I first played the original Toree! So when I saw they were making a new 3D Collectathon, I was VERY excited!

And this game lived up! It's great! Some GORGEOUS worlds that look so breath taking with these N64 styled graphics. Some fantastic music to accompany you. It feels WONDERFUL to play, I genuinely am OBSESSED with Kiwi's moveset. Gliding, dashing, stabbing into walls to climb up them. It might make exploring a little easy but exploring is absolutely the focus more than platforming is. And I think these tools make that goal very easy and EXTREMELY fun. In fact, it's so good I'm actually sad it isn't longer. There's only 8 worlds and they're all 100% completed rather quickly. Which is fine, Siactro games tend to be short. But this one was just SO good, I wanted more! That's a positive though I promise!

My only real negatives are that the game doesn't explain the plot too well, you have to play Beeny to understand what's happening. Which is fine for me, but it's odd they did that. I also think it's odd that there's NO ENEMIES! I don't think I took a single hit of damage through the game. I think some cute (CUTE NOT HORRIFYING) enemies would really elevate the game and make it a little tougher. Likewise, I know there's only 5-6 main collectables in each world, but I do think some way to keep track of them would be huge. Even just a hint list so you know what you're looking for. Regardless, super fun game, another banger from Siactro and if you're looking for a shorter 3D collectathon, do give it a look!

He Fucked the Girl Out of Me (July 24, 2023) - PC

I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to discuss this in this format as this is a deeply personal game for the creator that tackles real life serious subjects about their past. However, it is still a game and it's a game that's VERY good and I think everyone should play!

He Fucked the Girl Out of Me is a visual novel about the creator's life as a transwoman, and their time as a sex worker. It's a very sad game but that's exactly how it should be and it does end well. But I think it's a really interesting game just by the nature of it being an autobiographical game. That's something I've been interested in for a while and this game does it very well. Really putting you into the head of the creator as they take you through the story.

The graphics are nice, looking like a gameboy title. The story is told very well and did honestly make me cry a bit (I'm particularly sensitive though I cry a lot aha). It's a short game but I would love to see more games that tell people's experiences like this, I think getting to play it can give you a look into their life that a book or movie just can't do the same way. I really loved the scenes where you could pick snacks and see her thoughts on them, and I thought the scene where you see what people message you in this line of work was very well done. There's isn't a ton to say about the gameplay side of things, but I think that's fine since again, it is autobiographical and it manages to tell that story very well through a more VN styled approach.

The game tackles topics about shame, and hiding your trauma due to fear of getting in trouble and the trauma that fear adds on top of the shame. It's a something I think a lot of people can relate to even if you don't go through something as traumatic as what the creator of the game went through. It's an important message and I'll absolutely be keeping an eye on this developer going forward. If you've got the time, give this game a shot.

SLUDGE LIFE 2 (June 27, 2023) - PC

And here we are, Sludge Life 2! As a huge fan of the first, I couldn't resist anymore. I'm a little late but I just HAD to play SL2!! This game picks up RIGHT where The Big Mud Sessions ends off. Big Mud has gone missing after recording, and it's up to Ghost to track him down! All while tagging, making some new friends, and taking pictures of stupid stuff along the way.

It's very similar to the first, but now with the added Ciggy City attached the main town from the first game so there's a LOT more to explore now! Just like the first one it's a ton of fun to run around and platform about while tagging stuff and making friends with random taggers. A lot of them are new this time but there's some familiar faces too. It's still a blast, there's still lots to do, I like that the plot covers some more serious topics, it's very funny, it has great music, I love the graphics. Overall it's a blast! There's a fully uncensored penis in it which is awesome! This is random but I think more games should be allowed to have full uncensored nudity without getting an AO rating.

However, I personally didn't prefer it over SL1 or the Big Mud Sessions. It is fun. But like, I think it wasn't as fun. And it felt like they were leading up to something a little cooler than how it plays out. The death mold felt like it should have been a big thing leading to a big finale. But it's just the bad ending and it's quick and not addressed much, which is how the bomb worked in the first game. But the bomb wasn't teased and didn't feel like it may have been a big deal if that makes sense? I thought Ciggy City could be a little annoying to navigate at times, I don't like Gato Mago as much as the game in the first, I feel like they didn't improve some issues such as it being REALLY hard to find tag spots when you're near 100, I couldn't figure out how to spit in that guy's food! It is still good and I had a great time playing through it, but it just didn't feel as amazing as I was hoping a sequel would feel.

Regardless, I still recommend this series, and I hope we get a Sludge Life 3 that can maybe make good on some of its plot teasing? I am interested to see how the Death Mold will tie into a potential 3rd game as well seeing more uprising against the corruption in the world and the clops. I also would like to see a boss fight, because I really thought the health bar in the trailer meant there was gonna be a boss fight. Doesn't need combat or anything, I think the moveset present in these games could already make for an interesting boss.

Hello My Name is (Val)iant Or Val's Guide To Having A Broken Vag (June 1, 2023) - PC

Another short visual novel about sex and body stuff! This was also a game I randomly discovered a few weeks ago and had a great time playing through it! This game is more lighthearted than He Fucked the Girl Out of Me, but is still a great time and still has important things to say. You play as Val, a transman who has lived with extreme vaginal pain their whole life. And you see the struggles that comes from doctor negligence and trying to find love with that problem.

This one has some more gameplay like scenes, mainly 2 minigames you play twice. But the way they're handled is VERY interesting! I won't spoil it but there's a Tetris minigame used for talking to doctors, and a Rhythm minigame used for having sex. And the way it contrasts the feelings between 2 different experiences in both situations using these minigames is REALLY well done.

It's not autobiographical I don't think, but is more autobiographical in the sense that it capture's the dev team's past issues with doctors ignoring you, medical racism, and the lack of help and care for people with vagina's comfort in sex and just in their bodies in general. I'm not kidding when I tell you this game taught me more about vaginas than my entire life of sex ed in school. Drop out and play video games, kids. You'll learn more.

Great graphics, great music. I know I shouldn't compare it to HFTGOOM so much but I liked both of these a lot! I would love to see more games about real topics that affect real people in the future, and especially ones that maybe tackle more genres than just Visual Novel (though I understand it is the best medium for this)

Sonic the Hedgehog 4 - Episode I (January 19, 2012) - PC

It's time... to talk about Sonic 4... I want to preface this by saying I LOVE SONIC, and I genuinely feel kinda bad whenever I trash on something Sonic related because the series gets so much undeserved hate. And I know I recently had some negative opinions on the Final Horizons DLC but oh my god... Sonic 4 made me appreciate that so much more. Guys, this game sucks. I'm not joking when I say this is probably the worst Sonic game I've ever played.

This game feels so absolutely soulless in a way no other Sonic game can even come close to imitating. It's trying so hard to be like a Classic Sonic game by copying its level themes, concepts, and music style. But it copies absolutely none of the charm in any way. The music just isn't very good (kind of a sin for a Sonic game?). The graphics are REALLY bad imo. It's trying to make all the 3D models look like 2D sprites but it fails MISERABLY. The effect only works on the final boss. I really can't explain it, you'll just have to see the final boss for yourself, it's clearly trying to look like a 2D sprite. The game plays like GARBAGE! Sonic is so slow, takes forever to reach any meaningful speed, and the homing attack doesn't work 99% of the time. It's truly baffling to me.

Speaking of the final boss, that sucks too. The bosses in this game are all rehashes of earlier bosses, but less fun! Big surprise! This game ends with the Death Egg Robot again but unlike the Generations fight with it which is cool. This fight is like, a massive slog that takes FOREVER to kill. I seriously think it may take like 10 minutes to get through if you do perfectly? And it certainly took me about an hour with all my deaths. And the story being like, just the Sonic 1 story is so boring, no one talks, the animations don't look that good. This game just SUCKS. And that's just the game, not even considering the fact it's uploaded to Steam with an error that makes it so you can't launch it without a fan made launcher!

I think what bothers me so much about this game is that people ALWAYS like to flame on the usual suspects when it comes to Sonic. 06, Shadow, stuff like that. But I will die on this hill, those games, while maybe not being GREAT and certainly lacking polish, are FUN and full of heart and soul. Why is this game NEVER brought up? It has barely any, if any, redeeming qualities. I know this was made for youtube reviewers who hated Sonic having friends and stories but I genuinely cannot believe that even they would enjoy just playing Sonic 1 but worse and shorter? Truly a game for no one. Let's move on.

Sonic the Hedgehog 4 - Episode II (May 15, 2012) - PC

So right out of the gate, this game is SO much better than the first it's actually jarring. I still don't think it's great. But it's more just, eh, rather than being terrible like Episode I. For improvements, they drop the art style which is a big help. I feel like the music, while still trying to sound like Genesis music, actually works this time and sounds pleasant and fun. And while Sonic is still REALLY slow and the homing attack still doesn't really work, it just feels better to play. And the addition of new content instead of just rehashing old stuff is VERY welcome. Sonic 4 Episode 2 opens with a brand new, gorgeous castle stage. Has Tails who is used for team up moves, and features ACTUALLY NEW BOSSES! Wow!

Overall it is a massive improvement over the first. But it still has a lot of issues. For one, the levels are SO long. Like, they just do not end ever. And they do kind of start to copy other games in the second half . The Tornado level is a SLOG and just not fun. I hate the stupid half pipes (does anyone really like these?) And the bosses are even worse, they're not BAD but they're SO long and all end on this big hit you have to land that can be a chore to get right (the trash golem boss). And the final boss, while it is WAY cooler, lasts SO long!! You have to walk through a not super short level to get to it, watch a not short cutscene, then watch a cutscene after EVERY PHASE. Unskippable, do this upon EVERY DEATH. Not every Game Over, EVERY DEATH!

Whatever, again, it is a LOT better than the first. It's not offensively bad like that one was. But still, kind of an odd game. The boss themes are great though.

Sonic the Hedgehog 4 - Episode Metal (May 15, 2012) - PC

I probably don't have to discuss this as it's just Episode I backwards. But I do have to give some props to this one cause it is kinda neat. And probably the most interesting idea of Sonic 4. Letting you play as Metal is cool, I'm a sucker for stuff like this where you revisit worlds in a different context (you start at the final world and work your way back to the starting world.) It's neat! And even though it's pretty much identical to Sonic 4 Episode 1. It's way shorter, with no bosses. So it's more fun.

Overall I'm happy I tried Sonic 4. But these games just sucked man. If you wanna play one, just play Episode 2 don't even bother with Episode 1. I genuinely get a bit of happiness knowing there was never an Episode 3 I have to suffer through. 2D Sonic still has a place nowadays. But everything offered here is done better in LITERALLY EVERY OTHER ATTEMPT AT A NEW 2D SONIC!

Want classic gameplay with nice classic pixel art? Sonic Mania is there. Want classic gameplay with the modern designs? Sonic Advance Trilogy is better. Want 2D Sonic with homing attacks and boosting and stuff? Sonic Rush games are better. Oh but you can't play as Metal? YOU FOOL!! SONIC RIVALS 1&2 ARE BOTH BETTER AND ALSO HAVE SHADOW AND EVEN ROUGE IS IN THE SECOND ONE!

And when do these games take place? Is it trying to imply this ACTUALLY takes place between Sonic 3 and Adventure? Like is this supposed to be saying Metal is only in heroes BECAUSE of this game? That's nuts right? That sounds insane right?

Again, truly a game for no one. Go play Sonic Rivals.

Portal (October 10, 2007) - PC

Ah, Portal! You may be surprised to learn I've never beaten this game! And more surprised to learn I've NEVER beaten a Valve game prior to this! I started this game when I was young but got stuck during one of the puzzles (the only where you have to launch yourself across the barrier you can't shoot through?) and dropped it. But I own it again on steam and thought I should give it another go. And I'm glad I did!

This game was SUPER fun! It's short but every level is genuinely cool to try and figure out how to use the portals to their fullest. Which, in of itself, feels very impressive to me. I can't help but feel like programming and making those portals work must have been a NIGHTMARE! But it payed off because again, it's SUPER fun! GLaDOS is really funny during the whole thing, the credits song is of course fantastic, and the creepy parts where you see outside of the experiments were VERY scary and I had to mute the game during them cause they unnerved me so much lmao.

But without a doubt, the best part of this game was the final boss. I thought it was SUPER interesting trying to get the portals lined up to blast GLaDOS. And the context of the fight, with GLaDOS being obsessed with flooding the facility with toxic gas was very funny.

The only real drawback I can say the game has considering it's so short is that the final escape sequence is a little long. But GLaDOS taunting you during it and trying to sound like she's in control of the situation was fun and I did like the part where you have to fight a bunch of the turrets at once.

But yeah! Fun game! Glad I finally beat it! I still hold firm that Chell is the best choice for a Valve character in Smash Bros. cause I'd be SO interested in seeing them make the portals work in that game!

[matsukawamatt]

Plans and Things - 23/08/23

I've been planning the next few months out and seeing where I want to end up. Scouting out different places in Australia to spend and I'm really split between, well, nearly everywhere. Part of me remembers how much fun I had in Melbourne. Between the time spent in Fitzroy throwing back a Coopers Green with my new friends from Geelong to meeting Emily for the first time at the Shrine of Rememberence, it was amazing. I had a lot of fun in Sydney too, after that, but it wasn't quite the same as Melbs. So naturally, that would be first choice, right? Not really. I want to visit again, but I'm ready to check out a new place. Emily offered to allow me to stay at her house, but I don't think I'll take her up on that offer, even if it would save me some money. I also don't really want to drive out all the way to Parkes, but I will for a few days. Hey, maybe I'll like the "bush." She claims its Bush and not the Outback -- I'll be the judge of that. I considered Perth and Adelaide a little, but, I think they're a bit out of the way to actually consider as a place to base myself. I will definitely have to stop in those places too. Something mysterious about Western Aus... That leaves me with the two following options: Brisbane/Gold Coast/Sunshine Coast (I'm going to consider them the same place/area for this circumstance), Byron Bay, or Wollongong. Byron Bay has a magical, surreal feel to it, according to Paul. I guess its an important place for the aboriginees. I'm curious to visit Byron Bay, but again, I don't think its a proper fit for me to stick around. Now, that leaves me with two options. I think Queensland would be amazing to spend time in, and its a fantastic option... but for some reason Wollongong has stolen my attention. So, I've been looking on flatmates for apartments in Wollongong. The prices seem reasonable. Most are around $250 AUD a week (about $160 USD) and the locations look pretty good too. I don't know yet. Regardless, I have to wait for the visa to be approved. I haven't began looking for work yet and don't plan on doing that until I settle on where to go, when I'll be there, and what my housing situation will be.

One things for sure, this is exciting to plan, think about, and look forward to. I also think (I hope) it'll help me move on from my previous relationship... not that I'm coping through escape or anything. lol. Whatever. Time to go on watch, hopefully the starlink connection is stable enough to stream some music to help the time go by. //

[shadowjtrev]

today, August 11th, marks our "friendaversary".. the day I said fuck it and reached out to her about similar interest we had.

you see, she had this hobby of pinning bugs and learning about them and being proud to be in the world of entomology.. and me, being a lover of animals and insects and learning about everything , I decided to take my shot and just talk to her about a few videos of interest she might have.

I didn't think anything of it, usually how these things go is the other person thinks it's cool, chats for a bit and leaves, or doesn't even chat at all, it usually heads towards dead ends.. but her??

she responded with an open heart, she responded with interest and intrigue, maybe it was only because it was me, the boy named shadow from highschool lol regardless of what it was though.. she responded.. she reached out, and most importantly.. she stayed.

for weeks, months, she spent her days talking to me, catching up, talking about life, talking about eachother, getting to know eachother, it was the most exciting thing of my life, and mind you at the time all I was looking for was a friend, and I found that in her.

we talked everyday,for nearly 2 years now, we shared our stories and life through this time, we connected with one another, we basically couldn't wait to talk to eachother again when we said our goodnights.

what started out as something so simple, turned into a full blown relationship, my valentines cookies landed our first meet up and then to our first date, that first date led to a second date where we experienced our first kiss with one another which meant everything to us, and that went into so much more.. never did I thought one tiny little message would have brought me one of the best times of my life..

through ups and downs we experienced so much, and for a time we held on very tight to eachother and what we built.

and as much as I dealt with, all of it was worth it because it was with her.. someone that I grew to love.. to fall for, someone that for the first time of my life, I saw her in my future, and I loved and felt at peace that it was her..

but now? it breaks me to my core that all I've been reduced down to is just random phone calls.. especially all that we've talked about and experienced with eachother.. a part of me tries to understand but another part of me doesn't. I feel like I've been cast aside.

I just never thought I'd..we'd.. end up here, never.. and the last person I thought that would do this to me is her..

still.. I love her, I'm thankful for her, any negative thought is replaced with happy memories, our conversations, our firsts, our pictures together, everything.. despite the negatives wanting to reach the surface I still think about the love we shared, I still think about the girl that loved me for who I was, who believed in me, who thought I was so much more than I thought I was.. I'll always love the girl that just..made time for me, gave me a chance, that loved me for who I was..

maybe if we were younger, all of this would've been easier, let's say things didn't work out, well now it'd be year later and I'd be a le to look back on it as a fond memory, and let's say we talked here and there or not at all, I would've been at peace and said "I hope she's doing alright these days" and maybe reach out..

but I found her at a time of my life where I went through heart break, I went through people coming in and out of my life using me and leaving, and I found myself just wanting to companionship, my forever person, my best friend.

and within a month all of that seemingly just disappeared and I don't know how to handle it sometimes. and I can never reach out to her, which hurts everyday that I want to tell her about my day, so now I just wait..

for the next phone call.

happy friendaversary darling..