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moonferry · 9 days ago

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EVERYONE STAY CALM, STAY F**KING CALM!!1 fsioy chapter 20 is HERE.

hoooly shit. i finally finished it after. *checks watch* three months.. thank you guys so much for sticking with me bc . this one is the LONGEST chapter ive ever written. its a DOOZY. nothing i say can prepare you for it.. so i'll simply say what i have told my two closest friends (aka my little lab rats / snippet readers ) chapter 20 is going to make everything WORSE. this one is a bit confusing at parts, but whenever its surrounded by "..." its a flash forward to the 'current day' (aka ch 19). this covers things in chapters 11-15. get ready for plot twist galore. please don't throw rocks at my head. im sensitive.

warnings: i think it would be a better question to ask what ISNT a warning.. anyway, they include: death, mentions of previous death, black mail, manipulation, physical violence, the commander himself, swearing. umm i think that's all ? idk ill update this later if i find any more.

word count: 19,141

other chapters: chapter masterlist

ao3 link: here

Kent looked at Willy, a small guilty look crossing his features. His expression soured as the lies burned his throat. He desperately needed a distraction, so he thought back to their earlier conversation.

“You know,” He started, turning to face Willy as his line once again bobbed against the pristine water. Kent pursed his lips together and took a deep breath. He took a moment to gather his thoughts (all while trying to swallow his guilt) and then added, “You said you were going to explain what happened.”

“Ah,” Willy spoke, nodding his head solemnly. He looked at Kent, his expression unreadable. A small sigh slipped past his lips. Willy debated with himself: would Kent be able to handle the truth of Willy’s departure? The older man wasn’t quite sure. Though, a small voice in the back of his mind urged him to tell it. He spoke once more, almost reluctant, “Do ya really want to hear that story? I’m sure it’s not that excitin’.. I mean, it happened fifteen years ago, lad.”

“Willy, I have thought about that day more times than I care to admit,” Kent replied, giving a small nod to signal he did want to hear the story. He looked at the man, his expression forming into one of slight anger. Kent continued, “You practically disappeared off the face of the Earth. I was worried about you. I reached out so, so many times and.. Nothing. Not even a letter.”

“Eh?” Willy asked, confusion washing over his face. He added, “Ye sent me letters?”

Kent scoffed and crossed his arms, his eyebrows knitting together in frustration. He spoke once more, “You left when I needed you most, Willy.” Kent paused briefly, watching the older man as he gave an acknowledging nod. He continued, “I think I deserve to know why.”

“Well, I guess yer right about that..” Willy admitted, though he was still reeling with confusion. As far as he knew, no attempt had been made to contact him. He just assumed Kent was angry at him for leaving. But, hearing Kent mention it, and noting the frustration in his voice, it made Willy reconsider.

“Alright,” He started, nodding in Kent’s direction. He spoke once again, “Let me tell ya the story. It all began the day yer friend died.”

“My friend..?” Kent asked. His brows knit together as he tried to determine who Willy was talking about. His face contorted in concentration as he tried to remember - a name, a face, something, anything. However, in the crevices of his mind, all he found was a faint, blurry blob of memories that all seemed to mesh together.

“Aye, the first one.”

“Right..”

“..Daniel? Sawyer? Ring any bells to ye?”

“Um,” Kent started, though his face contorted once again. It seemed vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it. Though, his mind remained foggy and indecipherable. That name was important to him - it had to be - but he couldn’t remember who he was or what he looked like. It caused a small, uncertain pang in Kent’s chest. Eventually, he replied “Sure.”

Willy looked at him, and raised a small eyebrow - worried that Kent seemed unsure of himself. He shook his head, momentarily brushing it off and continuing his story.

JULY 19XX | XX YEARS AGO | THE DAY OF DANNY’S DEATH

After Willy had comforted Kent, he was called into a nearby meeting room. Apparently, the commander had a special job for him. He entered the room tentatively and approached the desk.

Inside the room, he saw a sleek wooden desk - a deep, rich mahogany coloring. On it lay several papers - all scattered and disorganized from the early morning preparations. Willy had attended that meeting, too. There, he learned that the Gotoro soldiers seemed to be getting bolder - some even going far enough to take over a nearby town. Willy knew that, whatever this meeting held, it wouldn’t be good news.

He continued looking around the room - allowing himself a moment to gather his thoughts as he looked around the interior. It was quite nice and contrasted drastically to the rest of the camp. It made Willy wonder where the commander got the funds for his office and why the commander was so obsessed with making it look neat. Willy was sure that there wasn’t a single spec of dust that would dream of settling on anything in this pristine room. It made him feel uneasy.

He picked up one of the papers from the desk. His curiosity had gotten the better of him and he needed to understand why this room felt so.. Different. While Willy was inspecting the room, the sound of footsteps seemed to grow louder. Willy gulped, his posture instantly going rigid. His grip tightened on the paper and he slipped it behind his back. He looked up and gave an acknowledging nod to whoever entered.

Luckily, it wasn’t the commander himself - just an assistant who came to notify Willy that the commander would be with him in a moment, as he was currently in a meeting, which was taking place down the hall. A small sigh of relief slipped past Willy’s lips and he felt himself relax after the petite woman turned and exited the room.

He retrieved the paper from behind his back and brought it close to him. Willy’s eyes scanned the page and he felt his heart sink. His mouth laid agape as he realized what he was reading.

It was an early draft of a partially coded letter - written in the commander's neat scrawl. As Willy read the small excerpt, he couldn’t believe his eyes. It read “Early phases of Plan A are in motion. The three boys selected will prove useful, though it appears a small hiccup has interrupted our progress. Namely, one of the boys has been reported dead. Apparently, he startled one of our surveymen, who had gotten too close to the camp and alerted one of the other soldiers. Proceed to the next phase, though exercise caution-” The letter stops there. A horrified gasp left Willy’s lips and the paper slipped from his hands.

As this happened, a shadow approached before looming over him. It was followed by a snarky, monotone voice that sent a chill down Willy’s spine.

“Well, what do we have here?” The shadow spoke, disdain filling his voice. The commander approached Willy, his lips forming into a small, disapproving line. He stopped once he reached Willy’s right side and shook his head. The man - the commander, Willy knew who he was - spoke once more, “I expected better, William.”

“You know how I feel about snooping,” He purred, his voice gravelly and harsh. A faint snarl slipped past his lips. The commander looked Willy up at down, his eyes appearing bored - as if he expected this. Disappointment filled the man’s voice as he spoke once more. “Though, I suppose I should’ve expected this from your kind.”

“Eh?” Willy asked, taken aback by the commander’s comment. His eyebrows furrowed and he spoke once more, “What do ya mean by ‘yer kind’?”

“Oh, you know,” The commander began. He propped himself against the desk, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked down at Willy, his expression almost a perfect sneer. “A bumpkin from the valley who wants nothing more than to prove himself. I’ve seen it all before.”

“What are ye implyin’?” Willy protested, anger rising in his voice.

“Don’t you understand, Colonel?,” The commander spoke. He looked at Willy as if he were some insect - as if he couldn’t possibly fathom what he was trying to say. He slowed his speech as he continued, intending to insult Willy further, “Those who feel the need to prove themselves die the fastest.”

The commander watched as Willy’s jaw tightened. He saw the briefest flash of rage light up behind Willy’s eyes and continued, “Well, not the fastest, I suppose. That goes to the ones with the biggest hearts. The ones plagued by mercy and a need to save everyone.”

“Like that Neilson idiot. It sickened me how caring he was. He wanted to save everyone and got far too close to a certain… truth, let’s say.” The commander spoke, intently watching Willy’s reaction - as if the things he was saying were intended to push his buttons. To see how far he’d let himself be dragged before he retaliated.

“What..?” Willy spoke, clenching his jaw tighter.

“You know, William, about that friend you had? He was too stupid to realize what he was uncovering. He didn’t know the importance of what he had witnessed.” He paused briefly, turning to look at Willy as a small, wicked smirk formed on his lips. The commander continued, “Christopher Neilson had to be stopped - for the safety of everyone and everything I’ve worked for. I’m sure you understand.”

“What in the blue blazes are ye talkin’ about?” Willy asked, nearly erupting with anger. His fist clenched at his side and he felt his nails digging crescents into his palm.

Willy’s eyes narrowed as he listened to the commander’s words. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Had Chris’ death - which had been ruled as an unfortunate accident - been less of an accident and more…premeditated? No.. the commander wouldn’t do somethin’ like that. Willy thought to himself. He looked up at the man beside him, suspicion washing over him at the man’s nonchalance. Would he?

Willy gulped and decided to press further, “What.. what did you mean ‘had to be stopped’?” He watched the commander intently, his stomach souring as the man simply replied with a small, almost giddy smirk. Seeing that expression, Willy felt something inside him stir: an emotion. One he hadn’t allowed himself to feel in a long time. Willy felt anger. He lunged forward, gripping the commander’s collar in his hands and lifting him off the ground. Willy gritted his teeth, a mixture of disbelief and fear coating his features. He spoke, “What did ye do? What the hell did ya do?!”

“Only what I had to, Colonel,” The commander replied, the same smirk still plastered across his face. He glanced down at Willy’s hands and scoffed. “Now, now, William. No need for violence. We can discuss this civilly, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, like how ya talked with Chris?” Willy responded, his grip tightening and his knuckles turning white from the force of his grip. His upper lip contorted in a small snarl, his mustache following suit. He looked at the commander and shook his head before adding, “I don’t want yer brand of ‘civility’. ‘Cause - next thing I know - I’ll end up at the bottom of a lake.”

“Oh no,” The commander reassured. He looked at Willy, his face stoic and unreadable as ever, before speaking once more, “You’re far too valuable - at this point, anyway. I need you for this to work properly. I didn’t need him. Sergeant Neilson was expendable - replaceable, even. You are not. The boys.. They trust you.”

Willy spoke once more, his voice rising, “Leave Chrissy’s name out of yer damn mouth. Ye didn’t know a single thing about him.” His eyes shone and it was almost as if small fires had ignited behind his pupils. His face turned red-hot and Willy clenched his fists around the rough fabric of the commander’s collar. He wanted nothing more to let his anger take over him - to get some miserable form of justice, to repay the harm done to him, but Willy knew he wouldn’t do that. He wasn’t that type of man, after all. Not to mention it wouldn’t “fix” anything - Chris would still be gone. Against his better judgment, Willy felt his grip loosen and he dropped the commander back onto his heels.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” The commander chirped, reaching a hand up to smooth out his now crumbled uniform. He returned to his previous position - casually leaning himself against the edge of his desk. He clasped his hands over his lap and looked at Willy expectantly. He spoke once more, “I’m glad you’re starting to see this my way.”

“Ah..” Willy spoke, intending to protest. However, something the commander said had piqued his curiosity. The commander had mentioned “the boys” - while that was quite mysterious, Willy couldn’t shake a feeling about it’s importance. He could use this to pry for more information. Maybe he’d even get a deeper insight into the letter fragment he’d found earlier.

Willy pursed his lips together, swallowing his pride, and continued, “Right. Of course I see it your way, Commander. Say.. ye mentioned that ye ‘need me’ but never mentioned for what.. I want to help ya. Anything for the Commander, right?”

The lies and flattery felt vile on Willy’s lips, but he needed to do this. He needed to find out what was happening. The commander moved to respond - momentarily closing his eyes in thought. While he did this, Willy extended his hand and grabbed a small tape recorder that was placed precariously on the edge of the commander’s desk. He pressed the record button - letting out an expectant cough to cover the small “click”. Once it was clear it was recording, Willy placed the recorder behind his back.

“Right,” The commander replied with a small sigh. He opened his eyes and looked at Willy - though if he suspected something was amiss, the commander didn’t let on. He continued, “I suppose I should tell you. At least what your part will be, in any case..”

Willy remained silent, though he gave a confirmatory node towards the commander. He didn’t want his voice tainting the recording. It was risky enough as it was, but any mention of him or the sound of his voice would only incriminate himself.

“So, initially, a group of three boys were selected for.. Ah.. a larger project. I won’t say much about that right now, but you appear to be the closest person to these boys. I have been monitoring them and their progress for months now - ever since the third boy arrived, you see.”

“Initially, I had planned for all three of them to be moved to the next phase, but it seems I forgot to account for incompetence. Needless to say, one of them went and got himself killed mere hours ago. While it would’ve worked better with all three, I have decided to press on regardless. Your task, however, is to bring the remaining two to the next stage.” The commander explained, his voice sounding quite bored - as if he had discussed this many times over.

He spoke once more, “You will be responsible for the transportation of these two boys: Kent Neilson and Vincent Leegland. They’re in your unit, so you shouldn’t have too much trouble.” Willy’s eyes widened at the names, though he continued to remain silent. He raised an eyebrow. The commander responded with a small, dismissive wave and continued, “Don’t concern yourself with why. Your task is simply this: bring these two boys into active combat - tomorrow. I have… something quite special planned, I will admit.”

Willy gulped, a small wave of panic and disbelief crashing over him. He fought to keep himself composed - smoothing over his expression to prevent the commander from seeing his distrust. What on Yoba’s green Earth is he thinkin’? Willy wondered to himself. Those boys.. They aren’t ready for that - especially not after what happened today. He turned back towards the commander and gave an obedient nod.

“Oh, and before I forget,” The commander started once more, turning to Willy and his expression full of disgust - as if whatever he was about to say next caused him displeasure. He continued, “Make sure they stay separated. I can’t stand all this.. ‘comradery’. But, if they ask for a reason - you will tell them it’s because their emotions may cause them to be…unstable. Is that understood?”

Ye have got to be kiddin’ me, Willy thought to himself. Separate them? Oh Sweet Yoba, he’s askin’ fer trouble. Willy gritted his teeth - though his outward expression still remained relatively calm. Against his better judgment, he nodded once more.

The commander pushed himself into a standing position. He then approached the door and began exiting. However, he turned around midway and called out to Willy.

“One more thing,” He began. The commander pointed towards a map on the wall. He continued, “Take that with you when you leave. You’ll need it to get where you’re headed. That area.. It’s Gotoro central. Wouldn’t want anyone to get lost over there, hm? I know that… neither of those boys have the best sense of direction - especially not my son.”

Willy watched as the commander then turned and left his office. After ensuring he was actually gone, Willy carefully slipped the tape recorder from his back and hit the “stop” button. He then slipped it into his pocket. Just in time, too, as his emotions seemed to catch up with him. He felt faint. Willy propped himself against the desk and allowed his practiced poise to drop completely.

He didn’t know much about the commander - especially not his personal life - but learning that, apparently, he had a son was quite jarring. Willy didn’t even know the man’s full name (he had been told to refer to him as only “the commander”) but now he knew that the man had a son, whom he was willingly sending into an area infested with Gotoro soldiers? Willy couldn’t believe it. It was vile - cruel, even. Just who was this guy? And why was he so casual about all of this? Willy wasn’t sure. He was sure of one thing, however: he intended to find out.

Willy took a small breath - debating with himself. Was he really about to snoop through the commander's belongings again? Yes. Yes he was. He mumbled a small apology - mostly to ease his own conscience - and began rifling through the various papers (mostly letters and notes) sprawled out on the desk. Finding nothing of importance, he then began opening each drawer and carefully peering inside each one. Eventually, Willy stumbled upon a locked drawer. That struck him as particularly weird - as none of the other drawers had been locked (it didn’t even look like any attempt was made to do so, anyway). The locked drawer likely contained something crucial. Willy needed to find out. He looked around for some sort of key. There had to be one somewhere, right? Willy just needed to find it.

He scanned around the room, his eyes eventually landing on a giant oil painted portrait of the commander. He slowly approached it. As he got closer, Willy noticed that something about the painting seemed off. He couldn’t quite place what it was until he was a few inches away from the painting. It appeared as if the painting was placed onto hinges - likely to conceal a hidden compartment. It was also slightly ajar (as if whoever had closed it last did so very hastily and hadn’t ensured it was fully closed). Willy’s hand hovered over the corner of the painting. He slowly inched it closer - carefully touching it. It instantly swung open and revealed a small, hollowed cupboard. It was mostly barren - save for a few cobwebs - but Willy noticed a small object that had been hastily plopped on the front of the shelf. It was a key. Willy could guess what it went to, so he carefully scooped it into his palm.

Returning back to the locked drawer, key safely tucked in his hand, Willy was filled with a curious determination. He took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure what he’d find - or if it would even be useful - and he had likely just committed several crimes in search of this information. He simply hoped it would be worth it (and that he wouldn’t get caught). Willy composed himself and carefully inserted the key into the lock. He turned it towards the left - listening as the pins of the lock clicked into place before unlocking with a faint pop. Willy extended a shaky hand and slowly opened the drawer.

Inside it was a small, upside down name placard - along with a piece of paper with a photograph paperclipped to the front. Willy carefully picked up both items. He first inspected the piece of paper. It appeared to be the standard sign up form given to new recruits, however it was filled out in a large and blocky scrawl - as if the person writing it had been left handed. Not too unusual, Willy supposed. Plenty of the recruits were left handed. He took a closer look, examining the name and photograph attached.

Upon seeing who it was, Willy nearly jumped in surprise. It appeared the form belonged to none other than Lee. Willy was extremely confused. Why would the commander have this? Willy thought to himself, An’ why would he lock it away? What’s so important about that lad that he doesn’t want anyone else knowin’?

Willy pushed the thought to the side momentarily. He still had more to inspect. He carefully turned the nameplate in his hands and read its inscription. It belonged to the commander - that much was evident, given the large “Commander” written in bold, fierce letters. However, that wasn’t all that was written. Underneath it, in much smaller text, was a name.

Willy squinted, trying his best to decipher the cursive lettering. Eventually he was able to read the name. It read Vincent Leegland. Willy gasped, dropping the nameplate in surprise. It tumbled onto the floor with a loud clatter. He silently swore to himself - hoping no one was around to hear the clamor.

“Yer jokin’,” Willy mumbled to himself, disbelief and panic coating his words. He felt dizzy - the wave of information seemed to make his head spin. He looked back at the paper. Willy’s face drained of all color. How hadn’t he noticed the connection before? The boy looked quite similar to the commander - save for the gingerness of Lee’s hair and the faint vitiligo that littered his features - and even shared his name. Of course he would be the commander’s son. Willy felt like a fool, despite the fact that there was no way he could’ve known.

His mind finally began clicking the pieces together: the commander’s coldness, his apathy towards the loss of innocent lives, the disdain in his voice whenever the commander spoke of those who wanted to be “helpful”, the influx of Gotoro soldiers as of late, and the apparent Gotoro grunt who had “gotten too close” to the campsite. Willy couldn’t believe it: the commander was a double agent. And he was now after Kent and Lee. Willy couldn’t let anything happen to those boys - they had slowly become the closest thing he would consider to his own children.

“I have ta warn those lads,” Willy gasped, fear covering his face.He gripped his chest tightly, trying his best to calm his now rapid breathing. It would do him no good to panic and shut down, not when he had to protect Kent and Lee. He gulped and carefully placed the paper and name placard back into the drawer and locked it. He scurried around the room and attempted to set everything back to its original state - desperately trying to make it seem as if nothing had changed since the commander had left. Willy had debated taking some of the information he found, but decided against it. He didn’t want to risk taking anything (except for the tape recorder). It was better if the commander began to trust him, he decided. That way he could slowly squeeze more information out of him. It would all prove useful later - or at least he hoped it would.

Willy began exiting the room - stopping to grab the map as the commander had suggested - and headed off to find the boys. While he did find them, it was - unfortunately - at Danny’s funeral. Not an ideal place to warn someone. Willy grimaced and stuck to the side - watching the crowd and trying to find the right moment to intervene and pull Kent and Lee aside. Fortunately, it seemed Lee had decided on that moment for him. Willy watched as the boy approached the podium - yelling about how the announcer didn’t know Danny at all. Willy understood his sentiments, as the announcer was droning on and on about someone he didn’t recognize. He hadn’t even realized it was supposed to be about Danny - that’s how awful it was. Willy watched as the announcer began arguing with Lee - causing the boy to erupt in an outburst.

“My name is not Vincent,” Lee spoke, angry tears streaming down his face, “It’s Lee.”

Willy decided that this was probably a good time to step in. He approached the general and placed a firm hand on his shoulder. After a short exchange - and a few choice words - the general scampered away, looking like a dog with his tail between his legs.

He approached Kent and Lee, who were now surrounding the microphone - yelling any positive thing about Danny they could think of. It caused a small pang to appear in Willy’s chest. To think that, none of this would’ve happened if Willy had figured out the Commander’s plan earlier. To think that all three of the boys would be safe - that they’d be alright.

Willy wasn’t sure how to fix the damage that had already been done, but he was sure of this: Danny’s death would be the last. He couldn’t let either of the remaining boys get hurt. He couldn’t lose another cadet. No, he wouldn’t lose another cadet.

He placed a caring hand on each of their shoulders and gave a small, though mostly humorless chuckle, “Well, that was certainly a ceremony, eh, lads?”

…

“Anyway, ya know how the rest of that day went, so I’ll spare ya by not repeating it, eh?” Willy explained, turning to look at a clearly baffled Kent.

“What?” Kent started, his mouth agape. What he had just heard filled his mind with thoughts as he desperately tried to make connections. He looked at Willy, his eyes wide, and spoke once more, “What happened next?”

“I’m gettin’ to that part, son,” Willy replied, rolling his eyes. He pointed to a nearby bucket of bait, motioning for Kent to grab it. He added, “Hand me those worms, lad. Darn fishes took me last piece of bait like it was nothin’!”

“I have so many questions,” Kent spoke, though he handed the bucket of slimy, wriggling worms towards Willy. He watched as the older man went silent, intently baiting his hook.

“Yeah, yeah, I know ya do,” Willy replied with a small grumble. He pointed towards Kent’s own rod and narrowed his eyes before adding, “Ye can fish an’ talk at the same time, Kent.”

Kent’s brows furrowed together in frustration, though he grabbed his own rod and baited the hook. He decided he’d humor Willy - and, besides, Willy had said he would only tell Kent the story if he fished. A small sigh slipped past his lips, though he watched the bobbers of his and Willy’s rods once again land with a small splash.

“So, as I was sayin’, Vincent Sr.. He had this convoluted plan-” Willy began, eager to continue his story

“Wait, do you think he-” Kent interrupted

“Kent, I am gettin’ to that part, son,” Willy replied, shaking his head.

“Anyway, he has this plan-” Willy tried again.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” Kent interrupted once more. He turned to Willy, his face contorting in deep thought.

An exasperated sigh slipped past Willy’s lips. He reached a hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose. He turned back to Kent and asked, “Do ya want to hear the story or not?”

Kent nodded. He desperately needed to understand why Willy hadn’t reached out over the past fifteen or so years.

“Then quit interruptin’ me, lad!” Willy scolded, though there was no malice in his voice - just slight frustration. Kent pursed his lips together and nodded, mumbling out a small “sorry”.

Willy waved his hand dismissively and continued speaking, “Anyway, as I was tryin’ to say….”

…

After Willy delivered the unfortunate news that Kent and Lee would be moving to active combat, he then - with guidance and constant checking from the Commander - drove the boys towards the new location. A desolate, remote camp in the middle of nowhere.

Great, Willy grumbled to himself, This is just great. Take ‘em to a place where they won’t be missed if somethin’ happens to them.. It made him sick - the Commander’s plan, the fact he had to go along with it, the fact that he had to lie to both Kent and Lee in hopes it would keep them safe. All of it made him sick.

It didn’t help that, in the back of the transportation vehicle, Kent and Lee were audibly distraught. Willy briefly glanced up at the rear-view mirror, pulled from his thoughts by a rather raucous racket from the boys. They appeared to be arguing. Willy understood - they had just lost a close friend (though Willy knew one boy thought of Danny as more than a “close friend”. He’d witnessed it too many times before to ignore Lee’s behavior. He also knew first hand the heartbreak that came with it - the heartbreak of losing someone who you could imagine a life with.) Unfortunately, knowing how he felt and being able to comfort him were two different things. Willy sighed and tore his eyes away from the mirror. He hated that the boys were arguing, but there wasn’t much he could do about that. He knew that they’d resolve their little spat eventually - he just had to trust they would do the right thing. He just had to trust he was doing the right thing.

The weight on Willy’s chest seemed to grow as the vehicle approached the entrance to the new camp. It didn’t help that he knew what was coming next: he would be forced to separate the boys, all by the commander’s orders. He pursed his lips together and went to gather Kent and Lee - both of whom were now complaining about some sort of “head injury”.

Willy playfully rolled his eyes and spoke, “Ah, quit yer whinin’, lads.” He slowly approached the back of the vehicle before motioning for them to follow him. Willy added, “Looks like we’re here. Let’s go get ya settled in. Quickly.”

The three of them walked towards the nearby housing units as Willy checked his map, along with the notes he was given from the commander. These boys were to be separated - no exceptions. They would not be allowed to speak to each other, much less look. Willy hated that command so, so much. It made his stomach churn. His discontent only seemed to grow as they approached Lee’s dwelling. Willy glanced back at the boys - both looking quite solemn and hardly talking. He desperately missed the lively chatter that usually resounded from the walls of Cabin Five.

Willy hated seeing them like this. He hated how Kent and Lee seemed to have lost their usual boisterous energy. He had never seen Lee look so upset - hell, he hadn’t even seen the boy do anything but smile. But now? An uncomfortably neutral expression remained plastered across Lee’s features. Willy mentally tsked. It didn’t suit him. Unfortunately, Willy was about to make the situation worse.

They finally reached the building where Lee would be staying. Willy gulped, a wave of discomfort wrapping around him like a thick, uncomfortable blanket. He took a deep breath before motioning for Lee to enter the building. That was the easy part. The difficult part, however, remained. As if in tune with Willy’s thoughts, Kent attempted to follow Lee into the building.

Willy placed a firm hand on his shoulder, shaking his head before speaking, “Not you, lad.” A sigh slipped past his lips and a look of regret washed over his face as the next words left his lips, “Just Private Leegland.”

Kent looked at him, confused, and Willy felt his chest tighten once more. He hated that expression. He hated that he had to be the bearer of this news, too. He knew what was coming next, of course, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear.

“What?” Kent asked, a mixture of confusion and disbelief crossing his features, “Why?”

Willy grimaced, an uncomfortable expression forming on his lips. He felt as if he had just swallowed a frog - his throat felt slick and slimy. It felt wrong. He hated to do this, but it was the commander’s orders, after all. He sucked air between his teeth before gritting them, debating how to best break the news.

Willy hesitated before speaking, “The.. er.. The Commander decided it would be best if you two were separated. At least for a while.”

“What?” Kent asked, his voice rising in disbelief. He protested, his brows furrowing together in discontent, “That’s not fair!”

Willy’s thoughts exactly. This was absolutely not fair and was most definitely not a good idea, but Willy found himself in a situation without much of a choice. He felt defeated - caught between his own morality and the need for information. Going along with the commander’s plan was probably the worst decision he had ever made, but Willy was in too deep to turn back now.

He sighed and pursed his lips, trying his best to hide his own discontent - the same discontent that lined his eyes and splattered across the wrinkles and scars. He had seen far too much in his thirty something years of life - it starts to wear down on you, eventually. Willy simply hoped he’d get out before it reached that point. He turned to Kent, his lips forming a straight line, and replied, “This is war, son. Nothing is fair.”

Willy then explained (or attempted to) explain how it wasn’t his decision and that it was nothing against them. He sincerely hoped the boys would understand and wouldn’t portray him as the bad guy.

Willy glanced between the two and frowned before letting out a defeated sigh. He tried to explain even further, “Look, lads, I'm not heartless. If I could do anythin’, I would, but it's out of me control.”

They looked at him with a hurt expression. Willy responded with a simple shake of his head, dismissing any protests they might have made. It truly broke his heart to do this, but he could only hope it was for the best. He had to hope that, going along with the commander’s plan, everything would turn out fine. He had to hope that they’d be alright. He had to hope. He had to. For their sake.

It made Willy angry just thinking about the cold, uncaring look on the commander's face as he issued the order. How could someone be so cruel? Those boys just lost someone close to them and this is what they get? Willy thought to himself. It didn't sit right with him. Not one single bit. If anything, he believed they should stick together - for emotional support. Regardless of what he thought, it wasn’t Willy’s decision to make. He had to go along with the commander’s plan or none of them stood a chance at making it out of there. He wanted to keep them safe. No, he needed to keep them safe.

He watched as Lee and Kent said their goodbyes and felt sadness on their behalf. Willy wished he could make them explain - he wished he could spill the commander’s plan and convince them both to run - but he couldn’t. He was just as much of a pawn as they were, only he didn’t realize it yet. He pushed his thoughts from his mind and guided Kent towards his own dwelling.

“Ah, this is yer place, Kent,” Willy explained, motioning towards the door. He watched as Kent scrutinized the building. As he was waiting on Kent to enter, his communication device that he had received from the Commander beeped and vibrated. Willy would have to meet up and discuss the journey over, he knew that, but it didn’t make him enjoy the idea any more. He sighed and pulled it out from his pocket - reading a small encrypted message. It was written in the standard code - just as a safety precaution - but Willy was able to easily decipher it.

He squinted at the small screen, and mentally translated the message. It read: “Leave the boy. Come to my tent. We will discuss further upon your arrival.” Willy sighed before pocketing the device once more. He turned to Kent, who was still debating entering his new dwelling.

“Well, lad,” Willy started, nodding in Kent’s direction. He looked around - trying to determine if anyone nearby was watching. He saw a faint shadow around the corner and pursed his lips. So the Commander had sent people to watch him. Willy suspected as much, but it was still jarring to receive confirmation. He placed a hand on Kent’s shoulder before speaking once more, “I have some.. Ah.. Errands, let’s say. I’ll see ya later. Try to get yerself settled in, eh?”

And with that, Willy left Kent’s side and headed in what he hoped was the right direction. The Commander had been especially vague regarding the location of his tent, which made things more difficult. It didn’t help that Willy had to force himself not to stare towards his left - he didn’t want the spy to figure out he was aware of their presence.

After a few moments of trudging through the woods, Willy came across a secluded tent - one that he assumed belonged to the Commander, with how secretive the man was Willy wouldn’t be surprised. He looked around, ensuring he hadn’t been followed (well, followed more than he was already) and pulled open the flap before quickly entering.

It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dimly lit interior, but once it did, he saw the man himself standing in the corner of the room. He was wearing a neatly pressed uniform, adorned with various sashes and medals, the sign of a commanding officer. The sign of power. It made Willy irrevocably angry. The Commander had his hands clasped behind his back and was facing away from Willy. Despite this, he was acutely aware of his arrival.

“Good,” He called over his shoulder, his voice seeming less than enthusiastic, as if it was permanently monotone. Willy wasn’t sure he had ever heard an emotion in the man’s voice - or that he had seen one other than boredom on his face, for that matter. The Commander spoke once again, “You’re finally here. It took you long enough.”

“Sorry ‘bout that-” Willy began, though he was quickly interrupted.

The Commander held up his hand, halting Willy’s speech. He spoke instead, “Cease your blabbering, William. I neither care nor have the time to hear it.”

Willy was taken aback, his mouth slightly agape at the sudden bored, almost passive-aggressive hostility in the Commander’s words. He moved to protest, but he didn’t want to risk upsetting the Commander further. He remained silent.

“Well?” The Commander urged, finally turning to face Willy. His expression looked bored as always - as if he had much better things to be doing than talking to Willy. The Commander spoke again, “Are you going to debrief me or not, Colonel? Unlike you, I have important things to do.” Ouch.

“Ah.. right,” Willy replied, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. He cleared his throat before beginning his debrief, “Well, I did as ya said. I packed up the lads and brought them here. I showed Lee-”

“Who?” The commander interrupted, looking at Willy suspiciously. He hadn’t authorized anyone named “Lee” to handle any of this information.

“Um.. Private Vincent Leegland, sir,” Willy explained, his voice slightly quiet. Of course he wouldn’t know that nickname. As far as Willy was concerned, he didn’t know a single thing about Lee - despite the fact that the boy was his son. He continued, “It’s just.. Err.. a nickname, I suppose.” Though, as he mentioned Lee’s full name, he carefully watched the commander - searching his face for the smallest hint. It was brief, but Willy swore he was the Commander’s eye twitch.

“We don’t do nicknames here, Colonel,” The Commander scolded. His lip curled into a faint sneer and he added, “We do not even do names. Names make people weak. It humanizes them. From here on, you will refer to them as “A” and “B”, is that understood?”

“Ah. well, Commander..”

“Is that understood, Colonel?” He repeated, narrowing his eyes at Willy.

Willy gulped, though he nodded and spoke, “Understood, sir. No names.”

The Commander barely acknowledged Willy’s words. Instead, he motioned for him to continue his debrief.

“Well, as I was sayin’, I brought them here - like ya asked. I made sure they were separated, like ye asked.” Willy summarized, leaving out several parts. The Commander didn’t need to know everything, did he?

“Right,” The Commander replied with a small nod. Willy waited, raising a small eyebrow. The Commander looked at him, his bored expression returning. He spoke once more, “I suppose you’re expecting praise? Well, congratulations, you didn’t fail me. Yet.”

Willy’s eyes widened. What did he mean by that? Had the commander expected him to fail? Willy wasn’t sure what to think about that comment. Before he could think deeper about it, the Commander began speaking once again.

“In any case, now that you’re here, it’s time to complete the move to the next phase. Since you have proven yourself… adequate, I will explain in more detail.”

“My…ah, let’s say, my colleagues, are searching for something in particular. Well, someone, I should say. A woman. Her name is Misha Grieves,” The Commander began. He perched himself on the edge of his makeshift desk. He turned to Willy, checking to see if he was listening, before continuing, “There have been reports that she is staying in the remains of the nearby town. I don’t know all the specifics - not that I’d tell you if I did, anyway - but I know that she is important..”

“You, along with A and B and whatever other troops you need to use, will be tasked with searching for her. We must find her first. I have it on good authority that she has information.. Information that would give me a certain.. Leverage, let’s say.”

Willy raised an eyebrow skeptically. What information could the Commander possibly be after? And…why was he willing to use troops to get it? Whatever it was, Willy wasn’t sure he wanted to find out.. He gulped, though he remained silent. He anxiously waited for the Commander to continue.

“The information she has is not important to you, Colonel,” The Commander warned, his eyes darting towards Willy in a way that said “don’t even ask.” Willy nodded and felt himself shrink as the Commander’s eyes bore into him. Upon hearing that, Willy decided that it, in fact, was important to him. He just hoped he encountered this woman before either of the boys - Willy needed to talk to her, to discover what the Commander was hiding.

The Commander ignored Willy’s silence and continued explaining the next phase, “When - yes, when, there will be no ‘if’ - you find her, you will notify me immediately. Do not stop before you reach me - I will not accept any excuses. You will be when the clock hits twenty-two hundred hours, exactly.. Do not get distracted, Colonel.” He briefly paused, allowing Willy to nod once more, before continuing, “Tomorrow, take them into whatever remains of that dump and find her. You have approximately 36 hours. Do not fail me.”

After the Commander finished his spiel, Willy left the tent - shaken and head bursting with more questions than answers. Could the Commander really expect him to do this? And, to make things worse, what would happen if Willy failed? He wasn’t sure he wanted to find out. However, it would seem that the universe, with its sick and twisted sense of humor, didn’t care what Willy wanted. It didn’t care what anyone wanted, for that matter, or none of this would’ve happened, Willy decided. He decided something else, too. No matter what happened, he was going to teach the boys to protect themselves. Willy worried that, somehow, he wouldn’t be there to protect them.

…

The next day, Willy set off. His palms were coated in a thick, grimey sweat.He had spent the last night worrying intently about the request, the boys’ safety, and what would happen when he had to confront the Commander. He wasn’t sure if he had slept (or, if he did, the quality of it), but there was no time to worry about that. He had to prepare Kent and Lee. And he knew just the way.

Some time later, he managed to arrange a set of four or five targets near a small weapon shed (if you could call it a shed, that was. It was more of a…dilapidated wooden box, stocked haphazardly with training-grade weapons, which Willy found…concerning). He took a step back and surveyed his work, a hand resting on his chin in contemplation. The whole thing looked rather shoddy and hastily put together, but it would have to do. Willy had no other choice - a jarring, yet recurring concept that seemed to haunt everything he did these days. With the construction done, all he needed was Kent and Lee. He set off to find them, along with other troops to avoid suspicion.

“Eh.. this shouldn’t be t’ hard,” Willy mused to himself, pursing his lips together as he surveyed the grounds. The boys should be training right now, he reasoned. The first person he found was Lee, who appeared to be sitting silently by himself - a few feet away from where his fellow cadets were doing an obstacle course.

He carefully approached Lee before resting a caring hand on his shoulder. Lee looked up, surprised by the sudden touch, and immediately morphed his solemn expression into a grim, somewhat pained smile. Willy’s lips formed a thin line.

“Ya don’t have to pretend around me, lad,” Willy spoke, kneeling down so that he was eye level with Lee. He gave Lee a firm pat before speaking again, “I know how ya feel, son. Don’t tire yerself out tryin’ to put on a brave face for everyone. It’s not worth it.”

Lee opened his mouth to protest, but simply sighed instead. He didn’t have the energy to argue or to explain that he was fine. The last few days had been taking a toll on him. He looked at Willy and let his cheerful expression fall. Lee knit his brows together and asked, “How do you always do that?”

“Eh?” Willy asked, confused, “Do what, lad?”

“Know what I’m thinking,” Lee explained, his jaw tightening as a flash of frustration covered his features, “It.. it’s weird, man. I mean.. The only people who could do that so easily were my Oma and Dan-” Lee quickly cut himself off. Saying his name, thinking about him.. It all hurt too much to bear.

“Ah.. I see,” Willy nodded, his own sigh slipping past his lips. He looked at Lee, his expression concerned and understanding. He spoke once more, “Ya miss him, don’t you?”

Lee went silent. “Missing him” felt like such an understatement.

Lee felt as if, when Danny died, a large, gaping hole appeared in his chest. It ached with an intense yearning - one that could never be satisfied. Not anymore, anyway. He felt that Danny didn’t die alone that day. Lee felt like the loss of Danny had tore away at his soul - at his very core. In truth, he didn’t know who he was without Danny. After all, Danny had made Lee well…Lee. He felt completely and utterly lost, but he wouldn’t say this outloud. He didn’t know how Willy would respond.

Instead, Lee simply sighed and brought his knees to his chest. He replied, though his voice was barely a whisper, “Yeah. Yeah.. I do..”

“I know how that is, lad,” Willy replied, nodding once again. He looked off in the distance, surveying the horizon and catching the faintest glimpse of the city’s tallest building. Willy felt a familiar emotion bubble in his chest, one he thought was long buried. One he thought had died with Chris. One he had tried too hard to kill, to silence, to ignore. Looking at Lee, seeing him in this state, it reminded him of himself all those years ago. For once, Willy didn’t suppress the emotion. He let it bubble beneath the surface, slowly rising and threatening to overtake his lungs. He let himself think about events he had long tried to forget. He let himself think about Chris.

“I know yer probably wonderin’, ‘what is this man yappin’ about’, but just trust me, son,” Willy began, turning to look at Lee, his expression filling with the utmost empathy. He continued, “I have been in yer place before. I know what it’s like to lose someone who ya love.”

Lee closed his eyes. He listened intently to Willy’s words, letting them wash over him. Something about the tone he used made Lee believe that, if anyone would understand, it would be Willy.

He opened his eyes and gave a small nod. He paused for a moment before saying, “I just.. What I felt for Danny - what I still feel for him.. It isn't like anything I’ve ever experienced before, Willy.” Lee paused, trying his best to gather his thoughts. He glanced down at the necklace around his neck, the one containing Danny’s dog tag. Lee frowned and wrapped his hand around it. He let his thumb trail over the letters. He continued, “I don’t fully understand it, but I think I’m in love with him. I.. I just wish I could’ve told him to his face. Not.. you know… to his corpse.”

“Well, at least ya told ‘em, eh, lad?” Willy asked, trying to cheer him up. Seeing that it wasn’t working, Willy added, “The same can’t be said fer me, son. I didn’t tell.. Ehh.. this friend o’ mine how I felt, even after he died. I couldn’t bring meself to, I suppose. I regret that - every single day.”

“I guess,” Lee began. His expression dropped slightly and he gripped the tag tighter, feeling the cool metal press firmly against the grooves on his palm. He opened his mouth to speak once more and a small, barely contained sob bubbled in his throat. Lee pushed it back down and added, “I keep thinking about what Kent said to me - how.. How he told me it was my fault. In a way, I guess it was. Every night, I lay awake and I think to myself - would things be different if I hadn’t reacted that way? If I hadn’t run away like a coward? If I realized what I felt sooner? If he didn’t have to chase after me.. If he didn’t have to worry about me at all..”

“Lee..”

“No matter how I look at it, I can’t seem to figure out why he went after me that day,” Lee continued, his voice now brimming with emotion as he rambled. “I’m not something to chase after, Willy. I feel like, no matter what I do or wherever I go, a cloud of bad luck follows me and hurts the people I care about. I don’t want to hurt people..” His voice broke as he said this last line, a small tear welling up in the corner of his eye. Lee sniffled.

“Son, yer not gonna hurt people, ye hear me?” Willy reassured, giving Lee’s shoulder a gentle, yet firm (almost fatherly) squeeze. He looked at Lee, and thought about how the boy before him looked almost like a scared animal, huddling in on himself and shivering while trying to be brave. It was a much different visual from his father - a cold blooded, hungry wolf waiting to gobble up any prey that crosses his path. Willy couldn’t fathom how on earth they could ever be related - that was something that confused him to no end. He spoke once more, “Ye aren’t like that, I know it. You aren’t like him..” Willy’s voice trailed off as he said this last part, leaving the last word barely audible.

“Huh?” Lee asked, tilting his head in confusion, “Like who?”

“Ah,” Willy replied, pursing his lips into a thin line. Of course Lee would pick up on that. Willy mentally scolded himself. He shook his head, waving a dismissive hand and added, “No one. Don’t worry about it, lad.”

“Oh-kaay..” Lee responded, his voice laced with skepticism. However, it was clear he wouldn’t get any more information on the subject, so he dropped it.

“Anyway.. I.. ah..” Willy started, exhaling a rather large breath. He clasped his hands together - a look of reluctance crossing his features. He spoke again, “I hate to say this, son.. But I need you to do something difficult, okay?”

“What’s that..?”

“Self defense training,” He spoke, emotion void from his voice. He watched as Lee’s features paled and a look of worry crept over the boy’s features. Willy continued, “With a weapon.”

“Willy-” Lee began, his eyes wide with fear. He tried to protest.

“I know, son,” Willy replied with a small sigh, “I know.”

“Then why-”

“Because I have to. Because, if I don’t, something will happen - I have a strange feelin’. Because we all have to do difficult things, son. Because we have a mission later an’ I want ya to be prepared.. Because I care about ya. Lots of reasons, Lee.”

“An’ before ya waste yer breath protestin’, I think ye will thank me - in the long run,” Willy explained, watching Lee’s jaw clamp shut. Willy sighed once more before adding, “Besides, Kent is comin’, too, so.. Ya won’t be alone, alright?”

After speaking these words, Willy watched as Lee went silent in consideration.

“Just.. think about it, lad,” Willy spoke once more, pushing himself into a standing position. He took a deep breath and glanced back towards the makeshift arena. He spoke over his shoulder, yet he didn’t turn back in Lee’s direction, “I have t’ go find Kent. Head over there, would ya?”

Willy did not wait for Lee’s answer. He simply pointed towards the targets and walked away.

…

“Anyway, ya pretty much know what happens the rest of that day,” Willy explained, motioning to the still present - yet slightly faded - scars across Kent’s features.

It appeared that he had gotten more over the years - plus the addition of some hearing aids (likely to help his ears after repeated exposure to loud gunfire and explosives). Willy gave a wry chuckle, “Ye even still have the scars to prove it, lad.”

Kent gave Willy a look that read “very funny”, though he let the man continue.

“But what ya don’t know..” Willy started. He paused, a small sigh slipping past his lips, “Is what happened after Lee brought you to the infirmary tent..”

“Aye.. there were some pretty heavy repercussions on my end..”

…

After Kent was brought to the infirmary, Lee had gone to find Willy and inform him about what happened.

“Ye.. ye what?” Willy replied, his face draining of all color as Lee finished retelling the events. Willy’s expression dropped the moment he heard Lee mention “a woman”.

“I told you, Willy,” Lee groaned, clearly frustrated he had to tell this story for what seemed to be the umpteenth time. It didn’t help that Lee appeared more shaken every time he thought about it.

“Kent was attacked, I.. I didn’t.. I didn’t know what else to do,” Lee explained, seeming to shrink in on himself with every word. The events of the earlier afternoon - seeing Misha attack Kent, having to be the one who saved him.. It all weighed on Lee quite heavily.

Willy sighed. He had only himself to blame, he supposed. He had told Lee to use the weapon in self defense - but he never imagined they would actually need to. He hadn’t anticipated that they would actually find Misha, especially so soon after their search had started. Willy replayed the commander’s words in his mind and his stomach churned.

“Look, lad, this isn’t your fault-” Willy started, attempting to calm Lee down.

“No,” Lee interrupted, crossing his arms over his chest. He spoke once more, in a matter-of-fact tone, “It’s your’s.”

“Now, hold on a second, son..”

“If you hadn’t made me grab this-” Lee motioned to the rifle still firmly placed in his shaking palms, emotion rising in his voice, “Maybe that poor woman would still be alive..”

Willy sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose to avoid letting his frustration get the better of him. He knew Lee was upset. Arguing with him would only do more harm than good. He wished he could explain everything - to tell Lee why they went out there, to tell Lee why he was here in the first place - but he couldn’t.

“I don’t - no, I won’t touch one of these things again. Never, “ Lee argued, motioning angrily with his free arm. His voice seemed very heated - quite unlike Lee’s usual demeanor, “I am not ever, and I mean ever, am I going to touch one of these things again.”

“Aw, come on, lad, it’s not that bad,” Willy pleaded. He was mostly trying to convince himself at this point. Willy knew the repercussion for his failure would be grave.. Hs just didn't know how grave. Yet.

“You weren't there. You don't know-” Lee spoke again, his face contorting in anger.

“I assure ya, I do.”

“No, you don't, Willy,” Lee replied, shaking his head in disbelief. He shoved the weapon in Willy’s direction before reaching for the small locket around his neck. He unclasped it - revealing a small picture. It appeared to be a much younger Lee, standing between two figures - both of whom had their faces ripped from the photo, one with their hand firmly gripping his shoulder. Almost militantly. Next to him was a third figure - a much older woman, with kindness shining in her eyes. Her face remained in tact. She was Lee’s Oma.

On the other side of the locket lay the part thaf had been ripped from the other side - as if whoever had given it to Lee originally did not want them in the picture. The face of one of the figures was jarringly familiar to Willy. Although he looked much younger, Willy could tell it was the commander. Not surprising, Willy thought to himself, he knew the commander was Lee’s father, after all. The other figure he did not know - a woman, with long, sleek black hair and brown eyes similar to Lee’s own. His mother, Willy reasoned.

“Why are ya showing me this, lad?” Willy asked, confused.

“Ever since that moment, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that woman.. There was something about her I couldn't quite place.. Something familiar,” Lee explained. He looked at the locket and a small sigh slipped past his lips, “Then, I remembered something..”

“I found this photo after Oma died - the ripped half, that is..” Lee started, gulping slightly, “I didn't really know the people in it so I didn't think much about it at the time.. But.. seeing that woman's face.. feeling how familiar it was..”

“I opened the locket again.. And I compared what I saw with the woman I.. I.. um.. you know..”

“Anyway.. the years didn't change her that much, I suppose..”

“What are you gettin' at, lad?” Willy asked, raising an eyebrow. He hadn't known what Misha looked like - the Commander hadn't provided a description.

“That woman..” Lee started, taking a deep breath as a small sob built up in his chest, “was my mother.”.

“And.. and I had to..” Lee tried to explain further, closing his eyes tightly to avoid crying.

Willy’s eyes widened, and he reached a hand out to carefully touch Lee’s shoulder. He spoke gently, “I'm sorry, lad..”

Lee shook his head, brushing the contact away. His anger returned.

Lee clenched his fist at his side, his jaw tightening. He spoke once more, an angry determination filling his voice, “I'm not ever going to touch one of these stupid things again. I don't want to hurt people, self defense or not.”

And with that, Lee stormed off. Leaving Willy alone to process what he had just learned.

All the information swirled around his mind - crowding it and causing a large wave of guilt to crash down on him.

He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He couldn’t believe what Lee had done, either. And he definitely couldn’t believe - or even fathom - the kind of things Lee was feeling at that moment. Willy felt awful, his stomach lurched. This was yet another reason why the Commander had to be stopped. However, Willy couldn’t help thinking about what would happen if Lee ended up in another situation like this. He was worried that Lee might endanger not only himself, but everyone else, too. So, he crept into the medical tent and decided to talk to Kent about it.

After chatting with Kent, and assuring him he should rest, Willy took a deep breath. He then checked his watch. Nearly 22:00 - the time the Commander had expected him back. He pursed his lips together with a faint smack, taking a moment to hope the commander wouldn’t be too upset about this. But that’s all he could do: hope. Realistically, he knew this wouldn’t end well.

Willy reluctantly headed towards the Commander’s tent. The man himself was already inside, his hands crossed over his chest. The Commander looked at Willy expectantly.

“Well, where is she?” The man spoke, raising an eyebrow as he gazed lazily in Willy’s direction.

“Ah..” Willy started, pursing his lips into a thin line, “About that..”

The commander looked at him, his eyes shooting a warning glance. He spoke again, “Where is she, Colonel?”

“She ain’t here, Commander,” Willy admitted. He glanced down at the floor, a sense of foreboding washing over him. He continued, “Not anymore, anyway.”

“What do you mean by that?” The Commander asked, leaning closer to Willy. His voice remained even, though Willy could hear the small undertones of anger. He spoke again, “Where. Is. She?”

Willy went silent for a moment, unsure of how much of the events he should reveal. He didn’t want to endanger the boys, but he knew he couldn’t keep this a secret. Eventually, he cleared his throat and mumbled out a faint, “She’s dead.”

The Commander pinched the bridge of his nose, his face contorting in a barely contained anger. The corners of his mouth morphed into a sort of smile and he released a sound similar to a dry, humorless chuckle.

“Hilarious, Colonel. If you ever get tired of this gig, you should become a comedian,” The Commander spoke, obviously deluding himself into believing Willy was merely joking. His expression soon returned to its serious state and he looked Willy dead in the eyes. The Commander spoke once more, “Now, tell me where she is.”

“I have been tryin’ to tell ya,” Willy replied, exasperation filling his voice. “She’s dead, Commander. Happened on the scout mission.. One of the boys.. Ah.. he was attacked, another acted in self defense.”

The Commander closed his eyes, listening intently to the words Willy was speaking. When he opened his eyes, an all too familiar rage filled them.

“Tell me their names and badge numbers,” The Commander instructed, slamming his tight fist against the desk and causing the documents to jostle.

“I.. Er..Ya don’t really need those, right? I.. I mean, it was just an accident-” Willy pleaded, his face paling.

“Their names and badge numbers,” The Commander repeated firmly, “Right now.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary-”

“I don’t recall asking your opinion, Colonel,” He stated matter-of-factly, his face contorting into an expression of cool, calculated anger.

“Besides, you owe me,” The Commander reminded, “You failed me, now you will pay the price for your failures.”

“Commander..” Willy started, a wave of worry forming across his face. His brows knit together.

“You seem to be rather fond of them, Colonel,” He spoke, the emotion now completely void from his words. He added, “It would be quite a shame for them to pay for your failures, wouldn’t it?”

“Ye wouldn’t..” Willy replied, his jaw clenching.

“Oh. no, I wouldn’t…” The Commander replied. Willy mentally wiped some sweat from his brow, relieved. “But as for my colleagues..? Hm.. They will be quite disappointed upon learning they will never receive the information they seek.”

The Commander turned and sat down at his desk, leaning over it and propping up on his elbows. He clasped his hands together, a wry smile forming across his lips, “Tell me their names and badge numbers, and I’ll ensure their safety.”

Willy sighed. He couldn’t possibly trust the Commander - not after everything he learned - but it seemed that, once again, he didn’t have a choice. He didn’t want to endanger Kent or Lee any more than he already had. He thought to himself, deeply considering the Commander’s offer. He felt utterly helpless.

Willy looked at the Commander once more, then to a small photo he kept in his breast pocket - a photo of Chris and an infant Kent visiting Willy on his boat. I hope this is the right thing to do, Chrissy.. Willy pleaded silently to himself.

He told the Commander their names.

The Commander smiled in Willy’s direction. A sick, sadistic smile. He stared at Willy as he reached for a nearby walkie-talkie. He brought it towards his lips, never breaking eye contact with Willy as he did this.

He pressed the push-to-talk button and repeated the information he was given. However, at the end of it, he said something quite unexpected.”I have a special request for these two soldiers.” The Commander spoke, though he intently watched Willy’s expression as the next words left his lips.

“Kill them.”

Willy had never regretted a decision faster. His face drained of all color and his mouth remained agape.

Before he realized it, Willy launched himself forward. He reached over the desk and gripped the Commander by the collar of his uniform.

“How could ya?” He spat, anger filling his voice as his grip tightened around the fabric, “Ye said they’d be safe. Ye said ya would ‘ensure their safety’.”

“Hm..” The Commander started, “I don’t recall that.”

Willy felt his teeth clench, his fist gripping the fabric of the Commander’s outfit tight enough to make his knuckles appear white.

“Ye are one sick, twisted ba-.” Willy spoke, though he was quickly cut off.

The Commander raised a hand, cutting off any further words from Willy’s mouth. He spoke, his voice coated in a calm, almost playful tone, “Colonel, I would watch your tone. Be thankful I have warned you of what is to come.”

The Commander went silent for a moment, thinking. Eventually, his lips morphed into a twisted smile, “Besides, you know them better than anyone. You may be able to save them.”

“If you hurry.”

And with that, Willy instantly dropped the Commander’s collar and turned a prompt 180 degrees. He rushed out of the tent. Scrambling to think about what the boys would do, panic slowly washed over Willy’s usual calm, collected disposition.

He couldn’t believe he had been so foolish. He had been trying so hard to protect them that he endangered them in the process. Willy shoved the rushing thoughts down, harshly swallowing as he tried to compose himself. He could fix this. He could still save them. He had to. They were his responsibility now.

Willy practically sprinted to the medical tent. However, he was taken aback at what he found - or rather, the lack of what he was looking for. It appeared that, while the nurses weren’t looking, Kent had managed to slip out unnoticed. Willy gulped harshly. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose - trying to stifle the mixture of panic and frustration rising in him.

Of course Kent had gone against his advice. Willy exhaled an exasperated sigh. Why had he thought any different? This was Chris Neilson’s boy - of course he would search for his friend while injured. Luckily, this meant Willy knew exactly where to look. He silently crept towards the dwellings - making sure to stick to the shadows in case anyone was watching.

As he approached, he managed to catch the middle of a muffled conversation. He overheard Lee lamenting, remorse layered heavily in his voice as he talked to who Willy assumed could only be Kent. The man silently peered around the corner, watching intently as Kent and Lee huddled together - clearly distressed after the day’s events. Willy strained his ears, trying to determine what they were planning. He knew that they tended to act irrationally when emotions ran high, so he was rightfully concerned. Willy heard another snippet of their conversation:

“Kent, I can't stop thinking about her. I feel awful thinking about how we just.. left her there, you know?”.

“It doesn't sit right with me. I.. I think we need to go back. Just to give her a proper burial.”

“Would that help ease your mind?”

“I think so.”

Willy raised an eyebrow, clearly taken aback by their decision. However, the most surprising part came next:

“I know.. you don't really like them or like using them, but it would make me feel safer. And.. since I can't exactly use my arms right now - especially with something like that, you.. might have to be the one to carry it.”

“Kent, I.. I can't.”

“Okay. If it makes you feel better, we won't bring one.”

The older man mentally face palmed, a wave of distraught disbelief coating his features. He absolutely couldn’t believe what he just heard. Didn’t they know how dangerous it could be at night? Especially since it appeared they intended to go back to a place where Kent was injured merely hours ago. Willy felt like it was all a twisted joke - one with him as the punchline. He knew that, with the Commander’s conspiracy with the Gotoran soldiers, going back into the town was the last thing any of them should do. Yet, he watched as Kent and Lee slowly trekked down the path - carrying only a dimly lit lantern and their foolish emotions: bravery, determination, and Lee’s guilt.

Willy shook his head, another sigh slipping past his lips. He gripped the cool metal of the weapon - something he had picked up on his way over, expecting the worst, as always.

“Those boys,” Willy muttered to himself. He pinched the bridge of his nose before squinting out and seeing how far they had traveled.. “I guess I better follow ‘em, just to make sure that nothin’ bad happens..” He added with a small grumble.

Willy silently followed them, glancing around to ensure there wasn’t any foreseeable danger. He watched as the boys came to a halt and quickly ducked behind a nearby street pole. It wasn’t much cover, but it would have to do. It looked like Kent and Lee were confused, but Willy wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying. He took a deep breath and decided he would risk it. He moved from behind the pole and slowly inched towards the boys. However, just as he was about to reach them, they moved once more - approaching a nearby building and peering inside.

Good, Willy thought to himself, at least they’re bein’ careful. However, Willy’s thoughts were soon interrupted as the boys returned from the doorway - shaking their heads. He watched, confused, as they continued to inspect a row of buildings. He followed behind them, keeping a safe distance to avoid being spotted. Eventually, the boys seemed to find the “correct building” - as evident by their reactions (which Willy saw were ones of intense gagging, as if they stumbled upon something dead).

He grimaced and moved even closer. From the open doorway, the stench wafted in Willy’s direction - potent enough to make any normal person’s eyes water. However, Willy had experienced enough gruesome scenes in his lifetime to remain mostly unphased. He shook his head and brought the edge of his uniform up to cover his nose. Willy peered through a nearby window, squinting because of the low light, and tried to determine what the boys were doing.

What in the world are those boys up to? Willy thought to himself. He watched as Kent and Lee attempted to move the woman. Willy sighed.

He barely had time to react before Kent and Lee emerged from the building once more. This time, dragging a piece of holey fabric behind them. Willy simply shook his head. He couldn’t help but feel partially responsible, but that didn’t mean he thought this was a good idea. Willy only hoped that Lee’s selfless deed didn’t end badly.

There was that word again: hope. The more Willy needed it, the more he used it, the less it seemed to mean. He hoped he could save them, he hoped nothing bad would happen, he hoped this was all a sick, twisted joke.. Yet, it seemed that even the word itself was turning on him.

Willy cautiously followed them, sticking to the edge of the path and keeping a respectable distance. He watched intently as the boys - well, mainly Lee - began digging a deep hole. Willy didn’t see this as too unusual and glanced away - only for a moment. However, that moment almost cost him everything. When he looked up, he noticed the silhouettes of some figures - about twenty or so. His eyes went wide, fear coursing through him.

However, it looked like Kent and Lee were still oblivious. Willy looked around - trying to find something he could use to warn them. He found a small pebble and gripped it tensely in his palm. I hope this works. He thought to himself. Willy took a deep breath and threw the rock as far as he could - watching as it landed on a pile of dirt near Kent’s feet. Luckily, Kent looked up, confused. Willy watched as Kent seemed to notice the figures.

Please, boys, Willy silently mumbled to himself, gritting his teeth in anticipation, Ye have to run. He waited, watching with each agonizingly slow second as Kent and Lee remained motionless. Willy held his breath, hoping that they would hear his silent pleas. A few seconds later, as if by some miracle, Kent begins to run, hastily dragging Lee out of the hole and frantically pointing in the direction they came from. Willy wiped the beading sweat from his brow, however it seemed the worry wasn’t quite over yet. The large mass of figures had begun following the two boys. Willy watched, his beating heart loudly resounding in his ears. He trailed behind the mass, desperately trying to keep the boys in his line of sight.

Willy carefully trekked behind them, making sure to stay near the shadows to avoid getting spotted by either the group of enemies or Kent and Lee. Everything was going perfectly - the boys were running away, they were even nearing a building that could be used for shelter. Everything was going perfect.

Willy watched, his expression contorting in horror as Lee stumbled over a jagged rock. The limp in Lee’s walk that followed a second after didn’t leave much to Willy’s imagination. He knew what had just happened. He also knew that the crowd was only getting closer. He had to do something - anything. Willy took a deep breath and veered in the direction of the crowd, and, without a second thought, he stood in the middle of the path, the firearm clutched tightly in his steady hands.

“I can’t let ya get any closer,” Willy called out, his voice filled with a calmness that felt almost alien. He had yet to raise the firearm - hoping it would only be a last resort.

“We don’t answer to you, old man,” One figure responded, stepping forward. Willy quickly assessed the boldness - this one must be the “leader”, he reasoned.

“No?” Willy asked, raising an eyebrow. He swallowed - barely noticeable. Let’s hope this works, Willy thought to himself. “Ya answer to my boss though, eh? Would be quite a shame - if he knew yer were tryin’ to disobey his new orders.”

The man went silent for a moment, thinking. Willy could almost see the gears turning. Eventually, he looked Willy up and down - noting the high rank and the Ferngill Republic uniform. His jaw clenched and he spoke through gritted teeth, “New orders?”

“Aye, straight from the man himself,” Willy started.He thought a silent prayer - hoping his luck hadn’t quite run out. He needed them to believe he wasn’t lying or making this up on the spot.

“Enlighten me, then,” The man replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He wants ye to abandon this effort. It was all one big misunderstandin’, you see,” Willy continued. He smoothed any worry from his expression - attempting to make everything he said completely believable.

“What if we don’t believe you, eh?”

“Ah.. I’d rather it not have to come t’ that, lad,” Willy answered, truthfully this time. He did not want this situation to escalate, but it appeared the universe did not care what he wanted. He watched as the opposing leader weighed the options - follow the original orders and risk missing new ones, or follow the new orders and get chastised if they proved to be false.

“I’m sure ya can be reasonable, an’ even make the correct decision,” Willy tried again - attempting to keep the man on his side.

It wasn’t working.

“Nah,” The man responded, shaking his head, “I don’t think so, Gramps.”

The man turned to several colleagues and motioned towards Kent and Lee before adding, “Go after them. We have a job to do and I don’t have time to listen to this man’s blabbering.”

Willy sighed. It seems his luck was running thin. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and muttering a barely audible apology.

Willy spoke once more, his voice once again steady and even, “Then ya leave me no choice.” He then opened his eyes and raised the firearm.

The next few moments were nothing more than an adrenaline infused blur - the sounds of gunshots cut through the silence and whizzed around. Willy hoped he managed to buy the boys enough time to flee. He hoped they would manage to find safety. To find something, anything. Somewhere they could hide until he could find them again.

But, that wasn’t the case. As Willy dodged, he heard a loud, resounding snap. He frantically scanned around the area - his eyes searching for the source of the noise. Much to his dismay, his eyes landed on two figures: one sprawled out on the ground, his arm at an awkward angle, and the other crouching over him warily. As he got closer, he soon realized he was looking at Kent and Lee.

That ain’t good, he thought to himself, sweat beading on his forehead. It seems he hadn’t given them quite enough time - nor did he account that they, too, would have to dodge the incoming gunfire. He watched as Kent managed to drag Lee inside - and not a second too soon, either. As soon as the door closed, a large circle of soldiers swarmed around the building. Not long after, he heard a voice calling out - something about getting revenge for Misha, followed by the sound of rapid gunfire. Willy’s face paled as he watched bullets ricochet off the side of the building that the boys had just entered.

As the gunfire died down, Willy silently crept closer - carefully peering around the edge of the tree. He scanned the area - looking for any remaining soldiers. It appeared they had all dispersed. All except for one.

He watched intently, though his expression soon fell as he noticed Lee hobbling into the open. Willy kept his eyes trained forward - darting between Lee’s location and the distant soldier. The soldier made a motion - reading his weapon - and Willy acted without thinking. He rushed towards Lee. And then it happened.

It was as if time stopped - his movement became suddenly sluggish, his limbs felt like lead as he attempted to lift them. Willy heard the sound a second later: a sharp, resounding bang followed by the distant whizzing as the bullet traveled through the air. He watched in horror, desperately willing his legs to move. He even tried to call out a cry of warning, but any words that formed found themselves caught in his throat. It was too late.

The bullet collided with Lee’s side in one swift motion, lodging itself in between flesh and the slick crimson ooze beneath. Willy could do nothing but watch - his limbs still refusing to cooperate. He felt his chest tighten as Lee slumped over, crashing to the ground in a pained heap.

Still immobilized by shock, Willy watched as a horrified Kent approached the door and struggled, attempting to pull Lee back inside - before firmly closing the door behind him. The sound of distant rustling caused him to shake out of his stupor. His shock was replaced with anger and he marched in the direction of the distant soldier.

When he reached them, Willy immediately kicked the weapon from the man’s hand. Afterwards, he gripped the man’s collar, roughly dragging them upwards.

“Ye are twisted,” Willy spat, the anger clearly vivid in his voice. His grip tightened on the man’s shirt, his knuckles turning white as a result. Willy continued, “That boy had a life ahead of him - a future.”

The man scoffed, baring his teeth as he looked up at Willy. He spoke, “So did my Misha. I guess he should’ve thought about that before he took her from me.”

“Again with this ‘Misha’ lass,” Willy grumbled, his brows furrowing together. He continued, “What’s so damn special about her, anyway? Whatever information she had couldn’t be worth that lad’s life.”

“And here I thought you knew everything,” The soldier replied, his expression forming one of pity.

“Eh?” Willy asked, raising an eyebrow. “Lad, if ye know somethin’, you need to tell me - right now.”

“And why should I do that?” The soldier replied, his expression darkening. “There isn’t anything left for me here, Gramps. My beloved Misha is gone - my future with her. No reward or punishment will be worth this damned existence.”

“It doesn’t have to be this way, son,” Willy tried to explain, his voice firm. “You can still change your future. You don’t have to listen to the corrupt, two-faced leaders.”

The soldier smiled - one of defeat, one of pity. He let out a small, wry chuckle and shook his head in disbelief. He spoke once more, “You really don’t get it, do you?”

Willy looked a bit confused, not understanding what the soldier was hinting at.

“We aren’t in control here, Gramps,” the soldier explained, his expression turning solemn, “Never were. Never will be.”

“What are ya blabberin’ about, lad?”

“He’s using you,” The man answered. “He’s using all of us. Pawns in the world’s worst game of fuckin’ chess, that’s all we are - just a meaningless sacrifice, expected to die silently, leavin’ all the damn glory to the kings.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You aren’t clever, Gramps,” the soldier spoke once more - pity layered in his words. “He’s using your own game against you and you can’t even see it.”

Wily raised an eyebrow. Was his plan that obvious? Had he not been as careful as he thought? He wasn’t sure.

“You only got this close because he let you,” The man added, looking lazily in Willy’s direction. He continued, “but, you’re simply another piece on the board. He knows that a pawn will never challenge his own king - he has rigged the game called it fairness. Called it a kindness. Called it mercy.”

“He never wanted information,” the soldier explained, “He wanted elimination. Wanted all his little… ‘problems’ to disappear. And you delivered on a silver fuckin’ platter.”

“What-?” Willy asked, his eyes widened in surprise. He dropped the man’s collar. If what the man was saying had an ounce of truth to it, Willy wasn’t sure he could believe it.

While Willy was thinking, the man scrambled and grabbed his previously discarded weapon.

“But it doesn’t matter,” The man spoke, raising the weapon. “I still have a part to play. I have to finish this.. For Misha.”

“Ah.. I can’t let ya do that,” Willy replied, his face paling as he thought about the meaning of the man’s words. Lee was already injured, he knew that meant Kent must be next. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t lose another son.

The man ignored Willy’s words. He bolted, a fierce determination in his eyes. Willy sighed and raised his own weapon.

“I’m sorry,” Willy called out, peering through the small scope attached to the rifle. He spoke once more, “But you left me no choice.”

And with that, a final, sharp bang resounded through the quiet of the night. Willy did not look at the man - he did not need to. His aim was always true - a curse of this lifestyle, one he picked up as a means of survival. He listened as the figure thudded against the packed Earth beneath his feet, but only for a moment.

With the new information in mind, he approached the building where Kent and Lee had hidden themselves. He knocked on the door - a frantic, almost terrified knock. He hoped he wasn’t too late. He hoped he could still save Lee. He hoped and hoped and hoped.

But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

“Open the door,” Willy called out, pounding on the outside of the door once again before attempting to jostle the handle and speaking again, “It’s me, lads. I’m here to help ye.”

“Willy?” Kent called out, skeptically.

“Yes, lad!” Willy spoke, his frustration growing the longer the door remained closed. “Let me in an’ I’ll explain everythin’.”

…

“Ya don’t need me to retell what happened next, do ya?” Willy asked, turning to Kent - who had faint, shimmery streaks running down his cheeks, as if he had been crying.

It appears Willy’s story was uncovering some long-forgotten memories; memories Kent hadn’t wanted to forget but lost anyway. Memories of his friends, of their time together, of the reason he was still alive today, of the namesake of his youngest son.

“Ah..” Kent spoke, reaching a hand up to brush away the faint tear streaks, “No. I remember - bits and pieces, but I think it’s better that way.”

Willy gave a firm nod and glanced into the water - his own mood had soured as he retold the events of years ago. He hadn’t forgotten them - he wouldn’t let himself forget them. Every night, Willy thought about what happened. He still held himself accountable, despite knowing he was part of a larger scheme.

“Just.. tell me what happened next,” Kent responded, a small sigh slipping past his lips, “Tell me why you helped me escape. Tell me what happened to you afterwards.”

“Ah.. I was ‘fraid ye would ask about that part.”

“I deserve to know.”

“That you do, Kent,” Willy replied reluctantly, nodding once again. He repeated the phrase, “That you do.”

Willy pursed his lips together, debating how to best approach it. Eventually, he resumed his story.

…

After dropping Lee off at the medical tent, and explaining to the nurses what happened, Willy angrilly marched towards the commander’s tent. He needed to confront him. He wasn’t going to be a pawn to his game any longer, no matter what the commander thought.

“You’re still standing, I see,” The Commander spoke, barely even glancing up as Willy entered the area. He pursed his lips together, noting the hostility in Willy’s eyes. He spoke again, “I suppose that means you have some grievances.”

“Grievances? Grievances?” Willy spoke, anger rising in his voice. “I have more than grievances, Commander. A boy is dead - because of your order. One of your own soldiers, nonetheless.”

The Commander merely shrugged, looking unamused. He spoke, his tone bored, “People die everyday, Colonel.”

“Maybe you didn’t hear me,” Willy repeated, leaning across the desk and inching closer to the commander, “A boy is dead because of your orders. He shouldn’t be.”

“A pity, truly,” The Commander replied with a small hum. He glanced up at Willy, his lips forming a thin line. He spoke once more, “However, I have no idea what you’re talking about, Colonel. I haven’t given any orders.”

“Ye lyin’, connivin’-”

“Ah-ah,” the Commander interrupted, “I would watch your tone.” He pulled out a small document - one with a signature beneath it. It appeared to be an order, one showing that Lee and Kent would have to go on a solo mission in the dangerous part of the town, at night. One with Willy’s signature. One he did not write.

“It would be quite a shame if someone found your orders, wouldn’t it?” He spoke, a sly, twisted grin forming on his lips. He continued, “The ones responsible for this poor boy’s death, hm?”

“Eh? I didn’t-” Willy protested, his eyes widening as he glanced at the letter. It looked official - and they even have the messy pen strokes from his heavy hand. It was incredibly convincing, but Willy knew he would never sign something like that.

“Listen, Colonel,” The Commander spoke, using a pen to push Willy further from his face. He clasped his hands on top of each other and spoke calmly, “I control the narrative. What you ‘did’ or ‘did not’ do is merely whatever I say. No hard feelings, of course. I simply do not need you any more. I have everything I wanted - all thanks to you.”

Willy’s mind was racing - he couldn’t believe he was going to be framed for the commander’s crimes. He had to do something.

As he was thinking up a plan, the commander spoke once more, something barely audible, yet Willy assumed it was another twisted scheme.

“Pardon?”

“Oh, I suppose there isn’t a reason to hide it anymore, hm?” The Commander asked, his voice playful, teasing even, as if this was simply a game. He added, “Your next orders will be carried out soon enough.”

“What are ya talkin’ about?” Willy asked, both confused and wary. He eyed the Commander suspiciously.

“Kent Neilson is scheduled to be tried for treason. Both as your accomplice and as the murderer of his fellow brother in arms.”

Willy’s eyes widened, Treason? Kent was only eighteen - hardly capable of treason. He gulped harshly, desperately trying to remain calm. He needed more information. Panicking would ruin his chances at receiving that.

“When?” He asked, harshly gripping the edge of the Commander’s desk.

“Tomorrow afternoon,” The Commander replied, his tone once again returning bored. He continued, “Such a shame, too.. I was really looking forward to his potential.”

With that, Willy had made up his mind: he had to get Kent out before tomorrow afternoon. And he knew just how to do it.

The following morning, Willy rushed towards Kent’s sleeping quarters - however, he was met with a large wave of confusion. Kent was nowhere to be seen. He asked several of the cabinmates and no one knew anything - no one except Ray, that is.

After receiving a tip from Ray, Willy nodded and left the room. He went to the garage and entered the nearest vehicle. Judging by what Ray had told him, Kent had left about an hour ago - which meant he hadn’t gotten too far, much to Willy’s luck.

Sure enough, he found Kent attempting to leave - on foot, nonetheless. Willy had to stifle a laugh as he noticed Kent was walking in the wrong direction.

“Kent!” Willy called out as he trailed behind Kent, having to barely press the gas on the vehicle to keep pace with him. “What are you doin’, lad?”

“Leaving!” Kent called back. He tried to walk slightly faster, but his legs were close to giving up. Willy watched Kent - noting the boy appeared tired. His legs must be exhausted, Willy mused to himself, He’s been walkin’ for hours - it seems.

“And where do ya think you’re goin’?” Willy asked, raising an eyebrow skeptically. Of course, he knew exactly where Kent was going. He even intended to take him there.

“Home,” Kent answered simply. He looked ahead, determined, before adding, “I’m going home.”

“Not that way, ya aren’t,” Willy spoke, a hearty chuckle bellowing in his chest. He reached a hand out the window and pointed in a different direction than Kent was walking before adding, “City is that way, son.”

…

“But ya know that part, right?” Willy spoke, cutting off his story once again. He turned to Kent, who was nodding silently. Willy continued, a chuckle slipping past his lips, “Aye.. we were trapped in that storm. A real rager, it was. Then yer Mammy came an’ took ya home, didn’t she?”

Kent nodded once more. The details were fuzzy, but he remembered it clearly: praying to Yoba, using Willy’s lucky coin on the off chance the payphone worked, being surprised when it actually did, his mother taking him home, and getting to see Jodi after so long. He remembers the way his heart swelled when he saw her, drenched in the rain and wearing only her nightgown. Kent had never been more in love with her than that moment. Though, the love he felt then still rings true today.

“So, tell me,” Kent began, smacking his lips together as he decided if he really wanted to know what happened next. After deciding he did, he continued, “What happened afterwards? How did you get back?”

“Well, I drove back, son,” Willy answered, shrugging his shoulders.

“Wait,” Kent tilted his head in confusion. That doesn’t make sense. He thought the vehicle had gotten stuck - which would leave Willy trapped for hours (or until someone noticed). He continued, “I thought the car was stuck..?”

“Eh, it was,” Willy gave a small chuckle. He reached over and gave Kent and firm smack on his back. He sent a wry smile in his direction, his eyes crinkling up at the edges. “For about five seconds.”

“What?”

“All terrain vehicle, lad,” Willy explained, giving a small nod, “Made to withstand even the deepest mud.”

“But you-?” Kent asked, utterly confused.

Willy waved a hand dismissively. He spoke once more, “I just wanted to make sure ya got home safely. There were people breathin’ down my neck, watchin’ my every move.. I couldn’t go into the city if I wanted to.”

Willy pursed his lips together, shaking his head. He continued, “Nah, I didn’t want to risk yer safety any more than I already had. Better you be safe an’ sound in yer Mammy’s car.”

“Anyway, that part isn’t important,” Willy dismissed. He made a small “hrm” noise as his line came up empty yet again. He reached for another piece of bait, applying it to the hook as he spoke once more, “What is important, though, is what happened when I got back.”

…

As soon as Willy arrived back at camp, he knew this would take a turn for the worst. He took a moment to mentally prepare himself, taking a long, deep breath, and then opened the driver’s door. He stepped out. The second his boots touched the earth beneath him, his arms were quickly seized - two sets of hands roughly dragged him towards the commander’s quarters.

“Imagine my surprise when, upon going to fetch a certain cadet for his trial, I am informed that he is no longer there,” The Commander spoke, a barely contained anger lining his features. An exasperated sigh slipped past his lips, “Care to explain, Colonel?”

“I don’t have to explain anythin’ to ya,” Willy replied.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me, Colonel,” The Commander started, narrowing his eyes. He leaned over, his face inches away from Willy’s own. He repeated, “Care to explain? Where is Kent Neilson?”

“Gone,” Willy answered. He glared at the Commander and added, “Long gone. Ye ain’t gonna find him even if ya tried.”

“Wrong answer,” The Commander replied, his anger no longer hidden. He motioned to someone standing nearby. Ray’s face was illuminated as he stepped closer to the Commander.

“Private Raegan Schmidt has kindly filled in the details,” The Commander explained, resting a hand almost proudly on Ray’s shoulder. He continued, “I know exactly where Kent Neilson is, Colonel. I also know that this makes him a deserter and you, an accomplice - a crime punishable by death.”

“Now, I’ll give you another chance,” He said. “I’m feeling quite.. Merciful.”

“I don’t want yer brand o’ mercy,” Willy replied. The Commander responded with a small “hmph”, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Colonel, someone needs to teach you to watch your tone,” He stated. The Commander then nodded towards the back wall and another figure approached. Willy felt the pain before he even noticed the movement: a sharp, abrupt pain spread throughout his face. A harsh object - similar to a human fist - collided with his nose. He grimaced, though he only glared in the commander’s direction.

“I am truly sorry it has to be this way, William,” The Commander spoke, watching as another punch collided with Willy’s nose - causing a small stream of blood to trickle out his left nostril. He continued, “You would’ve made such a great ally. We could’ve even been… acquaintances.”

Willy scoffed, shaking his head. He looked at the Commander - his eyes filling with hate. Another punch, more blood, yet Willy no longer cried out in pain. He was done bowing down to this man. He had to confront him, and he had to do it now. He spoke, “Yeah, an’ I would’ve ended up like all yer ‘acquaintances’ - dyin’ because I was in yer way. Just another thing for ya to get rid of.”

“Whatever do you mean-?”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Willy replied, narrowing his eyes, “Don’t you, Vincent?”

“How did you-?” The Commander - Vincent - replied, his face paling as the name slipped past Willy’s lips.

“I have my ways,” Willy responded, his determination creeping back in. It was clear that he hadn’t expected Willy to know his name. “Ya didn’t want anyone findin’ out, did you? Didn’t want anyone makin’ connections. Didn’t want anyone threatenin’ yer power.”

“So.. ya got rid of them. Both of ‘em. Didn’t you, Vincent?” Willy stated, shaking his head in anger. “Had yer own son killed - just to save yer damn reputation. You make me sick.”

“Stop with these.. Wild accusations,” Vincent replied, defensive. However, it was clear Willy had gotten under his skin. He smoothed his expression and added, “Besides, even if these were true, you have no proof.”

“Eh?” Willy asked, raising an eyebrow. His lip quirked up in the corner, forming a small smirk. He spoke again, “Don’t I, though?”

Vincent eyed Willy warily. Willy swore he saw the smallest bead of sweat form on the Commander’s brow.

Willy chuckled, fighting against the arms that restrained him. He shook his head, looking at Vincent before speaking once more, “What’s wrong, Commander? Ye ain’t… afraid, are ya? After all, if what I’m sayin’ is…’wild accusations,’ ya have nothing to be worried about, eh?”

“I am not afraid,” Vincent replied, clenching his jaw. A vein protruded in his forehead. He spoke again, through gritted teeth, “You have nothing. You are nothing. No one will believe a word you say.”

“Oh, but it ain’t just words, Commander,” Willy replied.He managed to free one of his arms and reached into his back pocket. He pulled out the tape recorder - one that held every order and conversation he had with the commander for the last two weeks. He also had the small nameplate - something he made a copy of before locking the safe all those days ago.

“This nifty device contains all the ‘proof’ they’ll need,” He spoke with a nod. Several murmurs filled the room and everyone glanced around warily. Willy added, “And, the cherry on top? It’s all in yer own words.”

“You-.. you’re lying,” Vincent replied, though the calm demeanor was slowly melting. HIs face paled - stricken with panic.

“I don’t make a habit o’ lyin’, Commander,” Willy retorted, his face contorting once again, “though, I’m sure ye wouldn’t know anythin’ about that.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Colonel,” Vincent replied, clenching his fist.

“Don’t I?” As the words left Willy’s mouth, the commander seemed to snap. He lunged forward, gripping Willy by the collar and hoisting him off the ground.

“No,” Vincent answered, “You don’t.”

“Then ya don’t mind me telling them about yer son, do ya?”

Vincent glared, though he attempted to remain calm. He spoke once more, trying to convince them, “I don’t even have a son.”

“Ah..” Willy piped up, a short chuckle slipping past his lips, “Then I suppose tellin’ yer full name won’t matter, huh?”

“You-”

“Admit it,” Willy urged, “Admit ya have a son. Admit ya killed him.”

“I did no such thing. I have no son.” Vincent spoke, his voice full of hot anger. He glanced around, noting the crowd’s response to his behavior. He set Willy down and cleared his throat before speaking again, more calm this time. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Colonel.”

Willy sighed, shaking his head. “Ya always choose the hard way, don’t ye?”

Willy fished around in his pocket, taking out a small crumpled piece of paper - a copy of Lee’s enlistment form.

“In my hands, I have the enlistment form of former Private Vincent Leegland - whom you all know was reported dead just yesterday,” Willy started, holding up the form and earning a chorus of “oohs” and “huhs”from the crowd. He brought out the nameplate and continued, “and in my other hand, I hold the nameplate of yer esteemed Commander.”

Willy took a deep breath, letting a wave of courage overtake him once more. He carefully turned over the nameplate and held it towards the crowd. He read it off, “It reads ‘Commander Vincent Leegland.’ What I didn’t mention was that, on Private Leegland’s form, his name is listed as ‘Vincent Leegland Jr.’.”

A chorus of gasps filled the room and Vincent visibly tensed.

“It doesn’t matter,” Vincent spoke, trying to veer the situation back under his control. He pointed an accusatory finger in Willy’s direction and spoke, “What matters is he is an accomplice to a desertion. He helped a soldier escape his trial.”

“I only helped him escape,” Willy started, grimacing as he just admitted to aiding a desertion. He kept speaking nonetheless, “Because ye were going to convict him of a crime - a crime he didn’t commit. A crime you committed.”

The crowd stirred once again, clearly getting antsy from the tension in the room. Vincent was losing. He knew it, too. He couldn’t stand it.

“I should bring you to trial,” Vincent spat, his calm persona vanishing once again, “I should tell the others of your deeds.”

“An’ I should tell ‘em of your treason,” Willy retorted, shaking his head.

As the words left Willy’s mouth, anger bubbled in Vincent’s chest one more. He reached over, lunging for Willy’s shirt once more. He gripped it tightly, pulling the man close to his face.

“You don’t know what you’re doing, Colonel,” Vincent growled, his voice barely audibly - yet seething with raw hatred.

Murmurs filled the crowd. Treason? What treason? The Commander committed treason? But he is so great - practically a saint!

Vincent glanced around, noted the nervous energy of everyone in the room. He was supposed to be their calm, composed Commander - the one who had control, the one who had power, the one who was admired, the one who was feared. Yet, upon watching Willy speak to the commander this way, the onlookers seemed uncertain. This was their commander, yet he appeared weak, cowardly. Vincent was losing them. He couldn’t let that happen. He sighed, reigning in his emotions and a wave of false composure washed over him once more.

“Look, Colonel,” Vincent started, his voice layered with flattery. “We can work this out civilly. I can be merciful, I can be kind, you’ll see.”

Willy scoffed. He pursed his lips and spat - a wad of slick, sticky crimson mixed with a tooth launched from his mouth and onto the commander’s face. He spoke calmly, “I said I don’t want yer mercy - or yer kindness.”

Vincent grimaced, gritting his teeth harshly enough Willy could almost hear them grinding in restraint. He let one hand go, briefly loosening his grip on Willy’s shirt, and wiping the gunk off his face. In this moment, Willy reared his head back before bringing it up harshly - abruptly headbutting Vincent in the nose. He stumbled back - gripping his nose with a groan, causing Willy’s shirt to drop from his hands entirely. As the commander was distracted, Willy once again reached into his back pocket and pulled out the recorder.

“Ye want to see how great yer commander is?” Willy asked, though he didn’t expect an answer. He stood on a nearby crate and raised the recorder of his head, “I’ll show ya just how great he is.”

He paused, waiting for someone to try and stop him. No attempt was made. Willy pressed the small play button and the commander’s own words began playing - revealing his plan, his treachery, and even how he ordered the death of his own son and how he tried to frame Willy and Kent for it, all to save his reputation.

After he recovered from his daze, Vincent was furious. He approached Willy, anger swirling around him. However, he was stopped by two sets of hands - the same hands that restrained Willy earlier.

“What are you doing?” Vincent growled, his voice almost condescending. “Move.”

“We don’t listen to traitors,” one figure explained, crossing their arms firmly over their muscly chest.

“Or murderers,” the other piped up, disgust clear across their face, “Especially not those who turn on their own flesh and blood.”

“Men.. There is no need to be hasty,” The commander attempted to reason, his calm, commanding persona trying to creep back in.

“I just want to talk to Colonel Dodgens. I’m sure we can reach a..” He grimaced, gritting his teeth, “Civil conclusion.”

“You hearin’ this, Willy?” One of the figures called over their shoulder. “What do you think?”

Willy thought for a moment. He had the power in this situation: he could absolutely ruin the commander, he could send this recorder to the hirer ups, he could even become the commander. But, looking at the commander, seeing how the power corrupted him - made him a cowering, weak man who would hurt anyone to keep a sliver of control. Willy hated that sight. He didn’t want to become like Vincent. No, he had a better idea.

“I’ll hear ‘em out, lads,” Willy said, motioning for them to part and let Vincent through, “But I’ll be makin’ the demands.”

“Fine,” Vincent replied, a sigh slipping past his lips. He approached Willy, though he was stopped before he could get too close. “Name your price. Anything you want - it’s yours.”

Willy thought for a moment, pursing his lips together. Eventually, he spoke, “I want ya to forget about Private Neilson’s desertion. Expunge it from his records - burn ‘em if you have to, but no one will find out Kent Neilson deserted.”

“Done.” Vincent replied reluctantly, crossing his arms.

“One more thing,” Willy started.

“Which is..?” The commander replied, bored.

“Give me an honorable discharge. Let me go home an’ put this nonsense behind me. I promise that I’ll be outta yer hair. I won’t even think about comin’ back. Sailor’s honor.”

Vincent thought for a moment, his lips forming a thin line as he debated the options before him: attempt to have Kent and Willy jailed, only to have his own crimes brought forward, or let them go - forget the entire thing ever happened. It wouldn’t fix the damage, but it would prevent any more. Vincent looked at Willy, raising an eyebrow as he asked, “If I grant these requests.. You’ll give me any proof you have?”

“If it guarantees Kent’s safety.” Willy responded, nodding. “That lad.. He ain’t a criminal. He ain’t a monster. He’s got a good heart. He’s got a future. I won’t let ya take away the future of another boy - not after Danny, not after Lee.”

“Consider it done,” Vincent replied finally, giving a curt nod. “Pack your bags, William Dodgens, you’re going home.”

Willy stepped off the crate and approached the commander. He stuck his hand out, sealing the deal with a firm handshake.

“Now.. the recorder?” The commander demanded, holding out his hand expectantly.

“Heh,” Willy chuckled, shaking his head, “I ain’t that gullible, Vincent.”

“Urg-”

“Don’t worry, ye will get yer little recorder,” Willy reassured, waving his hand dismissively, “After you hold up yer end of the bargain. I’m not lettin’ ya weasel your way out of this - not again.”

…

“All that really happened, Willy?” Kent asked, his face contorting in a mixture of shock and disbelief.

“Aye, ye better believe it, lad,” Willy confirmed. He chuckled and pointed to his nose, which was now crooked, “Even have one hell of a scar to prove it. Me poor sniffer hasn’t been straight in..oh… fifteen or so years.”

“Anyway, after makin’ sure Vincent held up his end of the bargain, I gave him the recorder,” Willy explained, turning his attention back to Kent.

“Why?” Kent asked, shaking his head, “Weren’t you worried he’d destroy it?”

“Ah.. I knew he’d destroy it - even watched ‘im chuck the damn thing into the flames, along with yer desertion records.. But I did it to make sure ya would be safe, Kent. Haven’t you ever wondered why no one ever came after ya, despite you committing a serious crime?”

“Hmm,” Kent mused, pursing his lips together in thought, “Now that you mention it..”

“Ah, it doesn’t matter,” Willy replied, once again dismissing the train of thought. “After I watched the papers turn to ash, I packed my bags.”

“That’s where I found that picture of ye and yer friends, you know. Must’ve taken that thing the day you arrived, kept it on me bedside for the longest time. Realized it was only right for ya to have it, I did. So, I sent it to ya.”

“I remember that!” Kent replied, nodding enthusiastically, “I still have it. I hope it didn’t get damaged in the move..”

“Hey, Willy?” Kent asked, thinking deeply about the photo. He remembered receiving it, but no other communication from Willy. “Why didn’t you respond to my letters?”

“Eh?” Willy asked, raising a brow, “I didn’t receive any letters, lad.”

“What?”

“Ah.. ye probably sent ‘em to the camp, didn’t ya?” Willy asked, nodding solemnly. “Aye, I was already long gone. Moved back to the comfort of this town. Though… knowin’ Vincent, he probably used anythin’ with my name on it as kindlin’ fer his fireplace. Sorry, lad.”

“Ah, I see,” Kent replied, giving a glum nod in Willy’s direction. He went silent for a moment. He glanced down at the water, watching the colors swirl and shift into familiar yet distant faces. He muttered softly, “Would you have replied..? If you received them, I mean..”

“To every single one.”

The two stood in silence for a moment - sharing an understanding look. Eventually, Willy glanced towards the town - he looked at the blue house in the distance, watching the hustle and bustle of movers as the small family tried to get settled. He watched as a lanky teen - one who resembled a much younger Kent - placed an anchor over the door.

“Say, Kenty boy,” Willy asked, turning his attention back to the man across from him. He continued, “Who replaced me, anyway?”

Kent raised a brow, “What do you mean?”

“As the leader of the naval forces,” Willy clarified.

Kent went silent for a moment. Eventually, he turned and revealed the small nameplate and badge on his uniform jacket, “That would be me.”

“So.. what do they call ya.?”

“Colonel Kent Neilson - commander of the naval forces.”

“Atta boy,” Willy replied, reaching over and placing a firm hand on Kent’s shoulder. “I always knew ya could do it.”

“So.. what about you, Willy?” Kent asked, glancing around at the small shop behind him, “How is life treating you?”

“Eh, I can’t complain,” Willy replied, giving a curt nod. He motioned towards the shop, “I’m runnin’ me Pappy’s old shop. I think the life of a fisherman is much more my style.”

Kent nodded. He could infer that much. He was about to switch the topic when Willy piped up once again, “That’s not all, though.”

“Oh?” He asked, looking at Willy with intrigue.

Willy chuckled, a small smile forming across his lips, “Even got meself a nice lad. Name’s Marlon - he’s a real fighter. Probably seen as much combat as I have. He reminds me of an old friend.” Willy nodded to himself, pursing his lips together, “Got the same fightin’ spirit as yer Pappy, he does. Same heart, too.”

“Well,” Kent replied, sharing Willy’s smile, “I’m happy for you, Willy. I’m glad you found someone.”

“Ye as well, Kent,” Willy replied. He nodded towards the small family a few feet away. “Ya got yerself a real nice family, son. I’m proud of ya - yer Pappy would be, too.”

“Yeah,” Kent said, a small smile forming on his lips. He looked towards his family - his gaze full of love and adoration, “I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“Heh,” Willy chuckled, shaking his head, “Luck ain’t got nothing to do with it, lad.”

“Huh?”

“Yer blessed, Kent.”

Kent went silent, thinking. He thought about his family - about how much they meant to him. He thought about Jodi - about how he thought he was the luckiest man in the world, about how happy he was to call himself her husband. He would give Jodi the entire world - all she had to do was ask for it. He would do anything for each and every one of them. He will do anything for each and every one of them. Because that is what you do for the people you love.

“Yes,” Kent nodded, turning back to Willy with a wide grin, “Yes I am.”

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dandelion-jester · 1 year ago

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Writblr Intro:

Hello All!!!

I've been meaning to do a proper intro so better late then never!

Who Am I?

You can call me Dandelion. I'm 22 years old, I use they/them pronouns, I'm English and I am a queer, trans, neurodivergent fantasy writer. I've not had anything published yet but it's my aim.

I have a background in theatre and circus so performing arts tend to turn up in my work. I also love making maps and studying conlangs! I do a lot of art and reading as hobbies, but my favourite pass time is playing dnd!

What Do I Write?

I write mainly fantasy, but also scifi and historical fiction. I also dabble in poetry and I would like to learn how to write for games and screen at some point. For now though, it's all novel writing as far as the eye can see.

My favourite trope to write is found family (I blame all the dungeons and dragons I play). I also write a lot of queer characters and try to diversify my casts as much as possible. My work tends to be very character driven although I do love world building a lot, especially building different cultures and places. I'm best st dialogue and really struggle with building plots. I also have a deep love for history, specifically the 1700s and Anglo saxon - medieval Britain, so that's usually finds its way into my work as well.

You can find my work on Patreon here

What Do I Read?

Unsurprisingly, it's mostly fantasy. I used to read over 100 books a year, but university made me hit a massive reading slump which I've been slowly recovering from. So the main thing keeping me going right now is Robin Hobb, although ive only got a few of her books left! I also listen to a lot of audiobooks.

My WIPs:

Information on my current work is under the break!!

Feypocalypse

Feypocalypse is a queer, fantasy horror comic set in medieval England following the events of a Fey Apocalypse in the 1300s. It follows a group of knights trying to survive in a world that has been turned into a Fey hunting ground, whilst protecting the Changeling child they accidentally adopted. The current plan is eight issues, to be published on Patreon and then printed as a complete novel at the end! It will be written by myself and illustrated by my amazing co-creator @withlovefromthecrowss.

The Legend of The Rat Bastards (vols. 1 & 2)

Now available to read on my patreon!

I recently finished playing in a Curse of Strahd campaign that lasted about 2 years and was one of the best dnd experiences of my life. So of course, I decided to write it up in novel form so that I and the other players could always return to it. Our paladin was an extremely detailed note taker so I've been borrowing their notes. It's currently the longest piece of writing I’ve ever done and I add to it every day. It's from the pov of my character, a human necromancer called Sepulcrave who has a pretty crazy character arc and it's my current main WIP, even though its a personal project.

Eye of the Falcon King (working title)

A secondary-world medieval fantasy novel about identity, rebellion, and manipulation. In a world where some few people have the ability to shape-shift into birds, the king seeks out these people to be his personal servants, messengers and spies. Turik is a young boy able to turn into a falcon and becomes a member of the King's circle. But after a tragedy befalls his best friend it begins to become apparent that the king is not as benevolent as he seems and Turik must come to terms with the knowledge that his reality is a lie. This book is about breaking free from manipulative forces, the ways invisible disabilities are ignored and pushed aside, and mostly about how the monarchy is terrible. Also queer people because all my stories have queer characters.

Otherlings (working title)

It's 1875 and Eliza Farthing's twin brother Alexander has just reappeared in her life after seven years. Except he's not her twin, he's her changeling. And Eliza isn't always Eliza, sometimes he's Francis. The world's of the two twins - one fey, one queer - are about to become very intertwined against their wishes. The two have to fight against their family, the police, a morally corrupt scientist, inter-community distrust, and their own dislike for each other, or both of them will never regain the lives they so desperately need and desire. Also there's a circus. The book deals with identity, secrecy, hatred, and community. It's a book about found family, about accepting yourself and others, about not needing to be seen to exist and be worth something. Mostly it's about sticking together despite your differences.

So that's my current WIPs! I'll add more as I get them, but that's all for now! Thank you for taking an interest in my work and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to send me an ask :)

Tags I use

#legend of the rat bastards, #eye of the falcon king, #ask dandelion-jester #feypocalypse #otherlings novel

#writblr #writeblr #writeblr intro #intro #wips #my wips #writer #author #writing #legend of the rat bastards #eye of the falcon king #feypocalypse #otherlings novel

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annanother-thing · 1 year ago

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Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

@starquestingfordrarry ahhh thank you for tagging me, these are such good questions!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

41 +1 unrevealed +6 that ive hidden

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

238,631

3. What fandoms do you write for?

only harry potter atm but i have written other fandoms before and i am psyching myself up to write some pjo/hoo next year

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Best Kept - drarry, secret relationship, EWE, E, 7k

How Does Your Garden Grow - wolfstar, modern au, T, 1.6k (this was the first hp fic i ever wrote back in 2016!)

Sparks - drarry, soulmates au, secret relationship, E, 20k

White in the Darkness - wolfstar, established relationship, possessive!remus, E, 7k

Maybe Love Could Be A Verb - wolfstar, getting together, idiots to lovers, E, 16k (my first fic coming back to fandom last year!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

not as much as i should... i hate replying to comments when my work is still anon and i swear this year all ive done is anon fests and then i forget to reply when reveals happen and then my inbox gets super full and i get overwhelmed...

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oooh probably Invisible, Inescapable - ghost!reg, house magic, 16k, M - or Non-Existent Hearts Still Bleed - mostly canon compliant Pansy character study, 8k, M

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhhhh most of them? i dont tend to write sad things

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not so far!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes. all of it. mostly queer but i have done some m/f but mostly in triads and that one tomione dead dove. currently in the middle of kinktober so smut is on the brain

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

no theyve never been my vibe

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no thank god

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! well, someone asked, idk if they actually did it. it was my pansromione choir fic from pride fest

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back in the day i co-wrote one with my then-best friend - i think it was the first fic i ever uploaded...

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

nope. impossible question. my ogs are wolfstar and drarry, but i also adore pansmione/pansromione, fleurinny, ginsy, jegulus, jegulily... so many ships so little time...

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i tried to do nano with original fiction several times and none of them really stuck, which im sad about because some of the ideas were banging - lesbian vampires through time, anyone?

16. What are your writing strengths?

ok this is the hardest question by far...

i think i am quite good at the introspection, and characters having to think through their situations, figure out how they actually feel. i blame all the therapy...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

confidence and run on sentences. i was editing a fic yesterday and found a sentence that was nearly half a page...

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i dont mind it, but i think it has to fit the story. but one of my pet peeves is when people but dialogue in another language and then put the translation in the chapter notes - i have a goldfish brain and by the time i get to the end of the chapter i have forgotten what the dialogue was about

19. First fandom you wrote for?

kingsman back in like 2014/5

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

dont make me choose between my babies! maybe the one that i cant talk about yet (i feel its the most up to date representation of my writing at the moment), maybe my wolfstar witcher!au (longest uploaded fic, and i really struggled to finish it but im so proud of myself for getting there), maybe my soulmate fest one (i was so not happy with it but everyone seemed to like it and it reminds me that i am my own worst critic)

Tagging: @gloivy @uncannycerulean @silently--here @tracingpatternswrites <3

#this was fun!#i love these question games #they really make me think about my work #anna answers

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mochiotomedumplings · 1 month ago

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man, now that im done with this isekai fic… its been a long time since i managed to finish writing a fic, this is quite the feeling. ive recovered from the sunday crunch, now revving to write the author’s notes for this… just cos there’s so much to say.

(writing and ranting by extension becomes much easier after i broke my back writing 31k… its really like a muscle that needs to be regularly used)

this fic is kinda hard to explain in few words, “in another world” is, as vague and encompassing as that sounds, is the best description so far. i guess “childe transmigrates into a novel and falls in love with an ex-villain who loves the og him in the other timeline too” works as well, but it isn’t enough. this is the second longest fic ive written, but in terms of details it probably rivals scattered flowers 😂 scattered was wordy from smut and character exploration, but theres not much in terms of actual interaction btw zc. theres a lot of memories and alluded-to interactions, but theres a whole lot more internal simping. even the smut is 90% delusional 😂 this fic however, has much actual interaction (shocking, for me) and lotta side characters as well. side character lore ! on top of zc’s backstory. and the complexity of parallel timelines which i dig so much. despite how much it grew on me, i did learn to not plan a story with a time gap in between - it would be too easy to want to fill in the gap and things go out of hand quickly since i take longer to write these days.

i suppose what i adore the most was the story of the other timeline - i settled with “tale of purple: alternative” as the name bcs of it. the whole fic is essentially a fix-it for the other timeline, though few things remain just as tragic (sorry i only have zc in my eyes). i got this idea a while back, wanting to write an isekai where ch comes over and is clueless on zl’s simping for him (classic but always so good) and since zl loves ch in every timeline for me, i had to puzzle out the og timeline too. the og version was a bit more… *interesting* in terms of the events, other!zl was also a villain then, but he was directly responsible for ch’s disappearance instead. ofc, he only took ch to his lil dungeon and had his own twisted time with the ginger… that was an otome isekai au, zl was spose to be that villain you can’t date, for actual reasons 😂 in the new variation, he was hate-pining after the ginger until ch accidentally died, so it became tragic. it didn’t hit me how sad it was until scenes of him being broken afterwards showed up in my mind - other!zl had grudges but it wasn’t that bad until what happened to ch. this was also where the theme of “place where i belong” came in as well, completely unplanned - zl was so enamored with ch that it kinda solved/ restrained his resentment for the world. so he was quite destroyed and went ham with villainy when his angel went away. alternatively (ha ha) when new ch crossed over, he managed to save zl completely and survive his cannon fodder fate as well, so all was good. the important thing was that regardless of timeline, zl was head over heels for ch.

thinking of the specifics of the og timeline added a bunch of stuff as well. it unexpectedly became even more tragic, and part of it was not even fixed in the new timeline - bcs i need it to make sense for ch to puzzle his way thru the lore (only to come to the wrong conclusion anyway but thats a required misunderstanding lolol). this was one of the more surprising part of the writing - the tragedy had felt so bad in one moment that i had to take a forced break from writing. it was unexpectedly quite dark for a story that was spose to be all fluff.

initially i hadn’t intended for it to be so family-focused, but it somehow wiggled its way into the story bcs of ch. i hadn’t intended to expand on ch’s story before he transmigrated either, per isekai tradition, but i ended up doing just that - he’s not just a corporate slave who simps after a novel’s character, he’s an orphan who was saved by an orphanage director after being pummeled by his gang, then became a normie who spends most of his time playing with the orphanage children bcs he’s afraid of losing his family - his stabilizer so to say. he also adopted some children as well (just so i can make him freak out and fight xiao before the climax) and well, since the whole fic is in his pov, eventually even his feelings for zl gained the family tint. what was supposed to end on him just realizing zl’s feelings, turned into a whole proposal bcs family. i just realized how much i derailed bcs of it, they really was just spose to start dating… skipped a few steps haha.

even zl’s story as well, he already got a bunch from other!zl’s lore, but he got some more bcs ch wanted to know his past for some reason. made it sadder how the other timeline turned about - he lost his “place in the world”, which was by ch’s side, even if he never managed to reach out to ch in that world. that was why the meaning of aster was so sad - it was a wish for things to have turned out differently (hence, alternative).

i had this burning thought of other!zl transmigrating to ch’s og word, as like a ceo or mafia boss. and then other!ch transmigrated into new ch’s body ! so its like they switch world 🥹 but yeah i just want to give them a future. zl deserves a second chance to reach out to his angel and protect him properly this time, since other!ch has few issues growing up without anyone to save him like new ch did. i imagined that zl woke up in the hospital after gaining memories from the other world. it made sense now why he felt so empty all his life. and then he saw ch in the hospital kinda dying from that truck hit. zl tried his best to save ch and thanks to the modern world’s medical prowess. ch woke up… with the other world’s memories as well, not that zl knew. other!ch probably pretends to lose his memories (he doesnt have new ch’s memories while zl does) but slowly warms up to his family anyway, even if it might be rough. he had a crush on other!zl to begin with so other!zl approaches him quite easily, and maybe they’ll end up having a more physical relationship before an emotional one - they’re both rather broken ppl after all. eventually i hope they can be honest about their memories with each other, which would be quite sweet and heartwarming - they are the only ones to share memories of that world after all.

oh this was also something i couldn’t help imagining, out of sheer pity for other!zl. i think ch will have a dream one day where he meets other!zl, who’s so happy - and afraid - to see him. he would be quite taken with ch, bcs ch did manage to save him in another world after all. but more than anything, he’s just so happy to see ch again, alive. he would hug ch for the entirety of the dream, just to feel better (ch realizes that its not quite his zl, but still zl after all) before asking for a kiss at the end. ch would tease him for being so shy for a villain, but they would kiss rather sweetly and then woke up. no one remembers the dream but the next day zl is a bit clingier than usual. other!zl… i guess he would love new ch just as other!ch - they’re still ch after all. from a technical point of view they’re different variations of the same person so they can be compared, but since they will never see the two versions side by side, it matters little i guess (but if i *really* have to say, i would like for other!zl to love other!ch more, bcs that was the version he knew, and there for *his* own version of ch. sure that ch did leave him when being beaten up, but ppl make mistakes let alone a child. other!zl might even feel like he doesn’t deserve new ch cos of how broken he is, but thats a pretty sad way of looking at it).

one of the most burgeoning parts was how zc’s friendship evolved - i never meant to explore it but well, the gap has to be filled. from their first (second) meeting to how zl slowly wiggled into ch’s life, the simp that was rex lapis. ch’s a clown for how much he (internally) simps over zl and yet refuses to actually follow his desires, and zl’s the same clown for not taking his chances until way later. in retrospect, there is quite a big secret between them, and ch doesn’t even know the full story. they really could have kissed much sooner though - but its the slow… idiocy (?) that makes it funny to read ? it can’t be slow burn bcs they practically simp at first sight, but also ch was in denial for a long, long time. its quite funny how he managed to hold on for so long despite his inability to stop yapping about zl’s eyes and lips and everything.

ch’s clueless in all the ways that make him cute. ofc he doesn’t realize he has a fanclub, and that ppl were avoiding his eyes bcs they’re too ravishing. ofc he doesn’t realize that zl became friends with his servants so easily bcs they all simp for him, and the fanclub members (including ch’s most trusted subordinates/ caretakers he calls them) all support zl’s pursuit, partly bcs the duke is just too pitiful being friendzoned by their master 😂 and ofc, if he doesn’t realize zl’s feelings then he wouldn’t realize that he’s being jealous over himself - tbf zl has some responsibility for not just telling him, but we can’t have that can we.

and theres also the aster flower - one variation called “tartarian aster” (hehe) and shion in japan, means “i won’t forget you”. and aster when placed on a grave indicates a wish for things to have turned out differently. i didn’t plan for this, it was called “jade winds of aster” just bcs of xiao and that it sounded nice. only later did i realize how much it fit, and had to add so many paragraphs bcs of it 😂 worth it tho i guess, its quite the meaningful correlation.

well, i think that’s about all the stuff i can think to rant about now. damn…

#rant #writing #zhongchi #fic

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cortexreaver · 2 years ago

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apparently i wrote this in november i assume i never posted it because 1. it was stupid 2. drafts temporarily ate it thus 3. i forgot. it's probably an unfinished list of half-formed thoughts i dont remember what most of it says anyway end preface start post:

in the approximate month since i first played it ive apparently spent around 218 hours blocking out the horrors with dragon age inquisition at the time of starting to write this post. so heres my review but not really these are just #thoughts about an 8-year-old video game. this got out of control i need it out of my drafts but at this point i dont want to just delete it. longest fucking post ive ever written anywhere under the cut

initial + overall thoughts: i had low expectations and when i started out and the character creator sliders were different and the combat was different and the skill trees were sideways and you couldnt manually distribute your attributes and everything was hd realistic shiny raytrace 4k particle physics like youve never seent hem before and so on and so forth my kneejerk reaction having just played dao: awakening was "this feels weird, i'm gonna hate this." and there were a lot of things i didn't like about it but there were things i thought i wouldn't like that i ended up enjoying. the former was mainly plot and lore stuff and some gameplay mechanics and the latter was individual writing of many characters and level design and, most surprisingly, crafting (i liked the masterwork material stuff)

THOUGHTS ON PLOT: as stated above i thought it was some silly shit but i'm gonna keep it vague because zeroing in on each point i had issues with or just thought was lame would make this post even longer than it's going to be. so like the thing is i thought the game before this one was also fucking stupid however da2 got a pass from me because, in addition to it being produced in a time frame far too narrow for what it was supposed to be, it's all SO melodramatic and half-baked and so many things go nightmarishly wrong for hawke and pals that it loops around to being fun. inquisition i assume is also supposed to be an emotional rollercoaster but nothing really hit for me like some parts of da2 did. obviously that in itself isn't a bad thing, and it could partly be a me problem. hold that thought and peruse two paragraphs of rambling that i don't want to cut out but would fit even worse if tacked them on the end of this section.

one big thing i noticed is that inquisition feels less concerned with your character's background and their personal journey over the course of the game. i realize i'm not alone in this sentiment but that's the consequence of playing a game 8 years late. at times it was hard to pin down exactly why my inquisitor felt so flat compared to to my wardens and hawkes, but—when it wasn't a majority of the voice lines being read in almost the exact same cadence—i think it had something to do with the fact that the game starts with its focus on introducing the first big universal threat rather than introducing you to your character. your background is a short paragraph on the character creation screen and it gets referenced a few times for light flavor and if/when people are being racist towards you (i played as an elf) (i have thoughts on how odd playing this game as a dalish elf felt but nothing that hasn't been said before by pretty much every other person who's played as an elf)

in contrast origins has its backgrounds that each set a distinct tone and serve as introductions to various aspects of the da universe as well as giving context for how your character became a grey warden while leaving enough blanks for you to feel in control of your character's personality; similarly, da2's entire first two acts detail how a guy with nothing but a magnetic personality and the power of These Hands* became so respected by the freak shits running the city he fled to from his plague-ridden homeland that they turned to him to resolve their nuclear slapfight. in inquisition you're a pariah for the first like five minutes and then everyone realizes your special hand makes you the only person capable of fixing everything and after passing out from the power of your own earthshattering swag you awake to find yourself effectively in charge of an organization devoted to being heroic. life hack i guess

*not to be confused with inquisition's The Hand

inquisition's main theme, i think, was the past; looking at the past and its inhabitants for what they really were, even when the truth challenges one's beliefs. it's a clash between the past and the present for control of the future. the inquisition unwaveringly pushes towards the future even if it means discarding the past; the main villain, literally one of the guys whose foolery and fuckery spawned the chantry's canticle about evil mages walking into god's house and trashing it, is a walking relic of the past and he clings to it even as he's losing, crying out for The Old Gods to save him as you strike the final blow. you wage war on his supporters, you find the cracks in his armor, you kill his lame ass dragon because that's the only way to ensure he's dead for real this time or some shit, you kill him, you kill the past. it's a fitting theme for a game that strays so far from its prequels in almost every aspect to have woven into it.

near the end i took a break to finally play origins' witch hunt dlc and realized that that was where the concepts of fade rifts and eluvians and morrigan having mysterious motives were first established which provided context for parts of inquisition that i previously thought had been pulled out of someone's ass. 99% my bad for assuming a dlc wouldn't contain seeds of main plot points given that inquisition's main villain is the jokester from da2's legacy dlc but arguably 1% not my bad because my assumption was based on the amount of shit from origins that either didn't matter later in the series or underwent changes so drastic they bordered on retcon.

i thought it was funny that the mage-templar conflict that was built up over the course of the first two games escalated off-screen to a war that you personally ended in main story mission 3 of 10 (11 counting the trespasser dlc) and then the chodester whose shit you kicked in in legacy shows up and yoinks the spotlight. sure legacy ends with the implication that you haven't seen the last of his funny ass but if i hadn't already spoiled his role in inquisition for myself i would've been like no way it's this guy again you are shitting me. there's another bigger villain after this one right? but no it's just him and his pet dragon and then your shiftiest companion who is definitely a mortal being steals morrigan's "i have...... plans. goodbye my friend" bit except with more of a lore dump because he physically can't shut the fuck up. also objectively funny that you can have your character become convinced that they have indeed been sent by god to build a paramilitary force so powerful it starts freaking people out. the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a cult is a good guy with a cult

OTHER WRITING THOUGHTS jesus fucking christ this post is long: i liked a lot of the writing on an individual character basis. i had warmed up to pretty much every companion i wasn't big on by the end of the game, i think because i took the time to chat with them when given the option to and did everyone's personal quests. they all have at least one moment where it becomes clear why they are the way they are, what experiences have shaped their values and worldview and personality. i did not like that the wardens were fully turned into another dumb asshole brigade which is another thing that started in legacy that i wouldn't have expected to continue in a main installment, in this case because iirc the wardens trying to summon a darkspawnimation whatever the fuck in legacy were just some fringe weirdos in the desert? maybe i'm remembering wrong. anyway yeah remember when the wardens were scapegoats in origins well this time they're bad for real* to fuckin uhhh make a point about how anyone can become corrupted or something idk you can still collect grey warden decorations for your nice guys inc. headquarters though and nobody gives a shit

*"what about the time those fereldan wardens tried to overthrow king arland in 7:5 storm" not my prablem

THOUGHTS ON LEVEL DESIGN AND VISUALS: uh i wasn't expecting this game to be so big for some reason and by the time i finished i was a little over it but initially i was pleasantly surprised that there was still more to see wherever i was and excited to explore it all. aside from one cave in the storm coast where my party would get stuck in a corner and some rare (completely optional) pure platforming that was placed in the game by devils to taunt completionist dickheads like me every area is laid out really well

#final editors note what is it about this series that makes people physically incapable of shutting the fuck up about it #ive never willingly had this much to say on paper about anything else ever genuinely unrecognizable behavior

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charged-wanderlust · 4 years ago

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a beautiful hurricane, pt. 3 | jett slater x mc x remy chevalier

THIS... THIS IS ALMOST 3K WORDS LMFAOOO well. i hope that makes up for the wait SDFGJSDHDS warning for mild smut ahead!!! anyway thank you so much @mcira for commissioning me, it helps me greatly and was so fun to do! if anyone else wants me to write them something, my commission prices are here!

What you really end up doing, instead of talking to Remy, is first, talking to Nikolai.

It only felt right - nobody knew Remy like Nikolai did, you’re pretty sure they dated once upon a time but refuse to talk about it, and Nikolai working with all of you made his approval very significant to the matter at hand.

“You’re asking for my blessing… to ask out Remy?” He blinks, dazed and confused, an uncommon expression from the mastermind himself. “Why do I have a say in who he dates?”

“It’s less asking for permission and more like asking for advice,” you explain quickly, scratching awkwardly at the back of your neck. “We know Remy is the jealous type, that much is obvious. So we just wanna know what you think on the whole polyamory thing - would Remy try it? Do you know how he feels about.. about us?”

Nikolai scoffs, his signature smirk returning. “The real question is, who doesn’t know how he feels about you two?” His words make you and Jett flush parallel shades of red, but you let him continue. “Yes, he’s definitely in love with you both. And that’s precisely why he hasn’t done anything about it; he doesn’t think he deserves one partner, let alone two. Instead, he drags out this con as long as physically possible just so he can pretend to be your husband a little bit longer, pretend like he can have you before you inevitably end up with Jett.”

Jett strokes his chin in thought, gears turning in his brain. “That would also explain why he’s been a lot more forward with me lately, but only when MC isn’t around… wow, he really thinks it’s his last chance, huh?”

He nods. “Exactly. In his head, he’s not worthy of love and you two deserve each other and are perfect together. I don’t even think the thought of polyamory has even crossed his mind.”

“Well it should!” Jett protests, like it means anything to Nikolai. “We both wanna date him, and he wants both of us! What now?”

“What do you think?” Nikolai asks it like it’s the most obvious question in the world. “You ask him.”

It has to be dramatic, you’d decided. Something awe-inducing, something solid and concrete so he can’t argue - because if there’s one thing Remy Chevalier knows how to do, it’s argue. You work with the Poppy to get Remy out of the penthouse - Vivienne might have poisoned him just a little to get the job done - long enough to stuff his room with lilies of the valley, and you help Jett paint the border of Remy’s mirror with all the little things you can think of that have some semblance of importance to you.

Making sure to use easy-to-remove paints, the two of you get carried away, branching from the edges of his mirror onto the walls, painting sunsets shared and fireworks made and foods had together. You and Jett work in perfect tandem with each other, art connecting to make one big picture that almost looks like a time-lapse of all the time you’d spent with him; the sunset where Jett realised his love for Remy all those years ago fading into the ice cream shop you discovered Remy’s favourite flavour was vanilla, fading into the river you all boated down together and learned that Remy has a surprisingly sweet singing voice.

Jett keeps pausing in the middle of his paintings, though, and eventually it becomes enough to make you ask.

“Jett? At first I thought you were just thinking about the painting real hard, but you’re not even looking at it. What’s wrong?”

You thought he was starting to get insecure, but instead, he laughs. He laughs and it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard.

“Nothing’s wrong, love, I’m looking at you.”

“Oh.”

“You’re most attractive when you’re in your element like this, I think,” he explains, touching up the clouds on his side of the wall. “I just can’t help but think of how lucky I am.”

About an hour too early, the door flies open, and both of you whip around to find Remy in the doorway.

“Ah-ha I knew you guys were… up to… something…..” His voice trails off as he takes in the view before him, the flowers he’d only ever given those he’d loved, the paintings that he recognised the meanings of instantly, his own face in the mirror with a little crown painted atop his head- “What… what is all this? I thought it’d be another prank but… this… this is beautiful…”

You exchange a look with Jett, grinning from ear to ear, and gesture Remy to come sit on the bed with you.

“Oh-ho-ho, this is a really elaborate one is it? Let me guess. All of this for a really well-timed whoopee cushion?”

“How you wound me,” Jett sighs, bringing his hand to his forehead. “You really think that low of us?”

“I assure you, Remy,” you chip in, “I wouldn’t spend this much effort on a prank.”

“Then what else?”

Once again, you turn to Jett, who looks just as uncertain of what to say as you are. “Uh. Something important?”

Taking a deep breath, you figure you’re going to have to do the talking for the both of you.

“I’m gonna start talking, Remy, and I don’t want you to say shit till I say I’m finished. Okay?”

Remy is completely and utterly bewildered, but he nods slowly and sits on the bed, door shutting behind him as he observes the memories plastered all over his bedroom wall.

“We’re in love with you,” Jett blurts out, and it startles you so much you elbow him in the rib.

“What was that for?!”

“Ever heard of laying it on slowly?!”

“You’re… what?”

You sigh, gathering the courage to look Remy in the eyes as you talk. “Remy… over these past few months, working with you, getting to know you, the real you - the Remy underneath all those masks you wear to please people - I find I don’t want to stop being yours when the con ends. I-If you’ll have me, that is. And if you’ll have Jett, too.”

“It wasn’t the marriage con we did once that made me fall for you, actually,” Jett laughs, running a hand through his hair. “It was before that. That one kiss on the rooftop in Buenos Aires when the sun rose, when we didn’t go any further than that. All of a sudden it wasn’t about the sex anymore, or how good of a kisser you are - it was about you. Just you.”

“And before you butt in about me falling in love with you because you’re acting as my husband,” you interject, giving him a stern, knowing look that makes him shrink a little, “You’ve been teaching me all your tricks. I know when you’re being real or not. You can even test me.”

Something changes is Remy’s eyes when you say that, and he fixes them on yours.

“I love you.”

“That’s real.”

He smiles, but it’s the smile of a broken man, getting up to leave. “It’s not, ma cherie. You’re not as good as you think you are.”

“That’s also a lie!” He freezes, pinned under your glare, and you grab his hand, threading your fingers with his. Jett does the same with his other hand, face uncharacteristically solemn, and once again, Remy is speechless. “That’s what you want to believe, Remy, you’re lying to yourself more than anyone else. You think you’re getting in the way of us, you think you don’t deserve it but let me tell you, there’s a way. We can love you as much as we love each other - we do, and if you don’t wanna believe it that’s your own loss because we really, really care about you!”

The silence is is deafening enough to make your hands tremble.

“That- That’s all I have to say. Jett?”

“I’ve never been good with words,” Jett huffs, bringing Remy’s hand to his mouth and pressing a gentle kiss across the man’s knuckles. “But I can prove how I feel about you in any way you ask, Remy. Through touch, through action, hell, through painting-” he gestures at the colourful wall behind him in exasperation, “-it’s all for you. These are all memories-”

“The time we had brunch on a boat,” Remy cut in, gazing fondly at the river painted atop his mirror. “The time in Bruges we kissed to be inconspicuous… the time I brought you ice cream tasting…” His eyes landed on the flowers adorning the sides of his room. “The flowers I’d given you.”

His mouth opens and closes like he’s trying to speak underwater, but he’s ran out of air - ran out of words - so instead, he wraps an arm around each of you and pulls you in for a soul-crushing hug, burying his face in your shoulders. He doesn’t make a noise, but his body quivers, and you and Jett realise he’s crying at the same time.

“I-I love you both, too.” His voice is small, but not weary - it’s just for you and Jett only, not the ears in the walls. “I love you both so much it-it- it hurts and I didn’t know what to do with myself and I just-”

He sits back up, wiping the tears from his face and giving you a real smile this time, the smile you see in your sketchbook, your dreams, your future - “It’s just too good to be true, almost. Like there’s meant to be a catch.”

Jett cups Remy’s face, kissing him softly, briefly, but enough to send tingles down his spine.

“The catch is you’re going to have to deal with both of us and all the shenanigans that ensue.”

Remy returns the kiss, just as chaste but just as lovingly. “I guess I have my hands full, then.”

“You sure do!” You laugh, climbing into his lap, jokingly shoving Jett aside - to which he yelps, “hey!” - and bringing your face close to Remy’s. “My turn, Remy. You told me a real kiss could tear open the sky. Care to demonstrate?”

He doesn’t waste a moment. You feel his smirk against your lips before you see it, welcoming the blistering heat as he pulls you closer to him, chest to chest. Finally, finally, finally - you thread your fingers in his long, silky hair, just like you’ve imagined so long, and all the teasing was so worth it because he kisses you like he can’t live without it. Maybe he can’t, not now that he’s had a taste and it really does break open the sky; the whole galaxy and beyond.

Getting impatient, Jett moves behind you, knocking Remy back onto the mattress and pinning you between them. He doesn’t expect you to stop kissing Remy - he knows firsthand how addicting his kiss is - instead, he tosses your hair over one shoulder and places his lips upon your now exposed neck, light, not tentative but tantalizing.

“Jett…”

“Oh, don’t let me interrupt you two,” he purrs next to your ear, ghosting his lips across the shell. “I’m quite enjoying the show.”

“You tease,” Remy half-chuckles-half-rasps, reaching past you to grab Jett’s collar and yank him down into another searing kiss, only to bite his lip harsh enough to make him gasp, then pulling back to leave him hanging.

Jett licks his lips, eyes flashing at the unspoken challenge. “So how are we doing this, then?”

“We’ve danced this dance before, you and I,” Remy muses, tracing Jett’s jawline with the pad of his thumb, “We should let MC decide.”

“I’ve danced this dance with both of you,” Jett snickers, peeling off the two of you to start working the buckles of his suspenders, giving you a cheeky wink. “Maybe I should give you tips. For example…”

He rolls you off Remy, pinning your wrists above your head, “MC likes being manhandled a little bit. And she’s really sensitive right here-” He sucks at the soft skin above your collarbone and you let out a soft whine on instinct, embarrassment painted all over your face, but you don’t miss the way Remy’s eyes darken at the sound.

“Good to know… any other tips I should know?”

“Ah-ah-ah, it should be fair for both of you.”

This time, he cages Remy to the bed, and you watch with rapt attention as he hikes the other man’s shirt up, giving you a brilliant view of his toned muscles. Jett leans down and drags his teeth along his v-line, making his legs twitch beneath him.

“Ah- Jett, you’re a menace.”

“You love it.”

A disgruntled sigh is the only confirmation he gives, but the smile on his face says it all as he shrugs off his shirt entirely, throwing it somewhere else in the room. “I quite preferred MC on top of me, actually.”

“Mm, it is a good look on you,” Jett agrees, helping you out of your clothes with surprising calmness compared to his usual frenzied movements. Clearly, Remy brings out the side of him that likes to really savour it.

Remy can’t help but groan at the sight of you in all your glory, taking Jett’s advice from earlier and tugging you atop him impatiently - maybe Jett brought out the beast in Remy, too.

Emboldened by his eagerness, you grind down on him, and the low rumble you hear from him in response is music to your ears. “I didn’t know our Remy was so… vocal.”

“Oh, you haven’t heard him when he’s taking it-”

“If we have to bring that up, mon coeur, I think you have me beat.”

You giggle, magnetically drawn to his lips once more while your hands fumble with his belt; Jett helps you discard the remaining cloth in the way so you and Remy finally, finally come together - it’s electric. You feel the static buzz all the way down to your toes, and it’s so, so good.

“Think you can handle both of us, love?” Jett peppers your shoulder blades with kisses, and while just the thought makes you shudder - you nod, almost too enthusiastically.

“I want it.”

“Good girl.”

The addition of Jett fills the room the with a chorus of moans that you can barely tell who from who. They give you a minute to adjust - ever the gentlemen - and next thing you know is an all-encompassing pleasure that pulses through your whole body, and you swear you can see stars. You have to bite down on Remy’s shoulder to not alert the entire building of the debauchery going on in the room, but he just grips your hips harder, growling deep in his chest.

“Don’t hold back on me, ma reveuse. Let us hear you.”

Who are you to deny him?

Noise complaints be damned, you think - the Poppy had stayed in town for this very reason. With every movement from Remy and Jett, your mind goes blank, only able to focus on the two of them working in perfect harmony, their hips, their lips, their hands, their voices, just them, them, them.

“C-Christ, you’re incredible- you’re both incredible. I’m- I’m-”

Jett’s pace stutters, but Remy keeps going, absolutely voracious, and your highs all crash down at once. Your back arches, toes curl, and you don’t even recognise the sounds leaving your mouth, but your two boyfriends ride out the wave with you, muttering choked-up praise in your ear and hushed I love you’s until your soul finally returns to your body.

The three of you collapse on the bed, a tangle of limbs and sweat, and Jett has the audacity to laugh. Not even having the breath to reply, you just tilt your head at him, raising a brow in question.

“Hah- If I knew this was how it would’ve ended up, I would’ve asked you both out a lot sooner, fuck…”

You gave him a worn-out, lazy grin. “I don’t think I can feel my legs.”

Remy pecks your cheek affectionately, rolling out of bed to head for the bathroom. “I’ll get you a towel.”

“You did great, love,” Jett hums softly, stroking your hair rhythmically, gazing at you with entire galaxies behind his eyes. “Don’t worry. Between me and Remy, we can carry you everywhere until you can walk again.”

“I’d kiss that stupid smirk off your face if I had the energy,” you huff, crossing your arms. “You’re way too smug for your own good.”

“You love it.”

Remy returns with a damp towel, gently wiping you down with enough care to turn your limbs to jelly if they weren’t already bone-tired. “We do, unfortunately. What a shame.”

Jett weakly whacks him on the shoulder, and the three of you laugh together like the notes of a perfect chord. It’s hectic, all of you being together, but it’s perfect. Life never did stop being a hurricane, but with these two by your side, you know you can surrender to the harsh winds, letting it carry you along like a roller coaster - heart always thumping, eyes always shining.

You never knew a hurricane could be so beautiful.

#FINALLY THIS HULK OF A FIC IS DONE #well its not the longest thing ive written by far but #it sure is for lovestruck anyway #lovestruck voltage #queen of thieves #qot mc #jett slater #remy chevalier #jett x mc #jett x remy #remy x mc #jett x remy x mc #lovestruck fanfiction

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babesonly · 4 years ago

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fic recs 2.0!

hello kings (gn) ive got significantly more fic than last time which means this is gonna be a little more organized than the last post bc it is much longer <3 categories in order are non casefic canonverse, casefic/roadtrip fic, finale fixits, endverse, non supernatural aus, and then non destiel ones. titles will be in bold for my favs! also within each category they’re in order from shortest to longest

Canonverse

I’m a tulip in a cup by godtiering (1.2k)

I worry that I never really came back from hell. I wonder why, if I got remade by heaven, I’m still the same screwed up kid that I always was.

Sometimes I worry I’m not into women at all.

"Guess not,” he looks at his shoes.

a REALLY good fic that’s basically just a look inside dean’s head during my bloody valentine do not read this looking for a fun time but please do read it

on vessels by flightsofangels (1.9k)

“You know,” Cas mutters into Dean’s bare skin. “When I was still… an angel, I used to dream that I would take you as my vessel.”

hello consumehimnatural fans!!!!! read newt’s fic right now its incredible

dean winchester is not a nicholas sparks protagonist by microcomets (1.9k)

Dean fell in love with Cas the way you fall asleep--slowly, and then all at once. Or some other hackneyed and trite bullshit. God, this is embarrassing.

dean is in LOVE. he’s also a disaster who keeps staring at cas’ hands. sigh

Stay by aeli_kindara (2.5k)

Coda to 13.06 (Tombstone). In which Castiel reckons with the aftermath of Dean's grief.

hello fellow widow arc fans <3 click here to see cas find out abt the events of advanced thanatology !

walking on a string by swordfishtrombones (2.7k)

Between the doomed offensive at the Firmament and the impending retreat from the ravaged northeast border, Castiel left camp long enough to answer one of Dean Winchester's prayers.

S6 DEAN IS A WAR WIFE. been really into early seasons deancas lately and this one is very good. god

the flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k)

Ezekiel 39:17 "you shall eat the flesh of the mighty and drink the blood of the princes of the earth."

MY GOD. anyone who saw the @autisticandroids purgatory cannibalism talk and was interested read this right now. also anyone who enjoyed nbc hannibal OR raw (2016). if romantic cannibalism is remotely aligned with your interests read this right now. god

Sam Winchester, Ally At Law by alittleduck (3.3k)

Sam was pretty sure he could read every single gay friendly guide to coming out or supporting queer family members ever written and literally none of them would even imply that arguing with gay people that they were actually just homophobic constituted as "ally behavior". However, Sam was equally sure that none of those book authors had found themselves accidentally watching their brother get pounded by an Angel of the Lord at 9 am on Tuesday, so Sam was pretty sure he might actually still have the higher ground. Now, if only Jack would stop trying to bond with Dean using gay slurs long enough for Sam to convince everyone of that, he might just be able to cobble together some remnant of sanity or, failing that, dignity.

Or, the one where Sam desperately wants to invent PFLAG but Dean won't stop teaching Jack gay slurs

JACK VOICE HEY COCKSUCKERS.

hummed low by microcomets (3.3k)

Dean pulls the Impala over at a cider barn about thirty miles out; doesn't really think about it, just sees the hokey orange lettering off the roadside and lets his hands guide the Impala off the interstate with gravel spitting under the wheels.

they get a nice day out together and dean has a gay crisis and it’s written beautifully mwah

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi (3.9k)

In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything.

sometimes i think about this fic and it hits that at this point dean and cas would have been married for more than a year. cas my beloved...

an exploration of gender; angelic by sometimeswelose (4k)

Castiel's true form is made of electromagnetic radiation. He has spent the majority of his life, if you really want to add it all up and average the whole thing out, as a wavelength of celestial intent.

The thing about being made of light: it's light in the physics sense of the word. Castiel's waves are gamma, x-ray, micro, and radio. He's visible light too, of course, a visible light so intense that it is blinding to most humans.

hello trans cas community <3 he’s literally trans he was assigned genderless and then went hm actually i will be a man! love of my life

Some Boys are Sleeping Alone by prosopopeya (4.2k)

This isn't something that's okay, not for him, but it chases him through the years until it turns into something he can't -- doesn't want to deny.

ohhh deans tenuous relationship with his sexuality my beloved...

love. worship. consummation. consumption. by redeyedwrath (4.3k)

ConsumehimNatural (copyright marcusantonius) the Series!

These are all snapshots centered around the idea of you know. Hunger in Supernatural. Both carnal hunger and other kinds. Fics are shown in semi-chronological order but this series is generally nebulously early seasons.

for ANYONE who is a consumehimnaturual this is required reading it is INCREDIBLE and gorgeous and very visceral and i am so very obsessed with it. thank you redeyedwrath for enabling my brainrot

the reach of human sense by perilously (4.5k)

“You know what Jimmy Novak looked like. You think he was beautiful—gorgeous, hot, all of it. It’s him. Not me. This isn’t my face.”

“But,” Dean says. He doesn’t know where he’s going with it. Just that Cas’ face is right there, brows drawn together and cheekbones gleaming in the lamplight. It’s a face that’s made his heart skip probably a couple hundred beats collectively since they met.

And it used to belong to someone else.

this one is just very nice <3 cas gets uncomfortable w dean calling him attractive since dean has never seen his trueform and they work it out

Down in the River by Ias (4.7k)

Alone in Purgatory and hunted by Leviathans, Castiel finds himself praying to the one person who can't hear him.

cas i love you <3 cas alone in purgatory praying to dean bc dean is the only thing he still worships i love you so much

Creature of Habit by trinityofone (5.1k)

The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well.

written in s5 when cas was depowered and completely nails the later seasons bitchy husbands dynamic it’s very good and fun <3

sink by crackers4jenn (5.4k)

"Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

very bittersweet very well written and also canon compliant so do not go into this one looking for a happy ending but i DO recommend it it’s very good

Sensational by castiowl (6.1k)

“When I first came to earth, it was advised that we temper the senses bound to our vessels. They were a distraction, we were told. An antiquated form of experiencing existence that would hinder our ability to complete our missions, whatever that may be. My true form can better facilitate these experiences. What you would recognize as heightened senses of sight and sound, among other things.”

Or, how Dean helps Cas experience all five human senses for the first time in one night.

early seasons deancas man. i love the sound part i love dean being so worried about doing a good job with this. god. read this please

Something to Protect by Sass_Master (6.2k)

Dean’s violent reaction to being unexpectedly woken has become something of a running joke among them, but Castiel can’t help but look past it to the underlying cause. It makes him ache to think that Dean feels so unsafe, so persecuted, before he’s even fully conscious.

Secretly, Castiel has been determined to work on that, to ease Dean into awareness in a less jarring way, smooth away one of the many stresses that follow him even in sleep. Now’s as good a time as any to try.

oh to sleep more soundly in the presence of someone you love...this fic is very nice i enjoyed it a lot

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers (7k)

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

hello trans dean community here is 7k of trans dean having to deal with his internalized homophobia now that he’s sleeping with cas <3 it is SO good

The wilderness. by orange_crushed (8k)

He takes a shower and the pressure is not especially good, but it doesn’t matter. It’s warm and he stands under the spray a long time. Human skin, he knows, constantly renews itself, shedding the dead cells of the epidermis. He wonders how long it will take until he is an entirely new person, until every cell on his surface is a new one. He looks at his hands under the water. It might take less than a month.

this might be the only post 9x03 fic on here with a happy ending actually? plenty of good melancholy leading up to it though <3 canon divergent after 9x03 though which means no 9x06 fanfiction gap but it is absolutely worth reading

till the juice runs by deathbanjo (8.4k)

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

hello this one is SO funny dean finally gets comfortable enough with his bisexuality to start having sex with men and it goes so very bad every time so sorry about your shitty choices beloved </3

First Date by aeli_kindara (8.9k)

“We should go on a date. You and me.”

Castiel wishes he could see Dean’s face. He wishes he had any idea what to say.

“I’m asking you out, Cas.”

this one is very sweet i liked it a lot <3 good refreshing little fic where they just get to have a nice evening together

Entertaining Strangers by cadignan (9k)

Dean settles on to his side, lying in the bed facing Castiel. “So you had sex without me and you bit all my moves. I think I deserve to hear about it, at least. What was her name?”

op im in love with you. premise is established relationship deancas and cas mentions he did have sex before dean and not only that it was a threesome. good for him <3 this fic is cas describing the story of what led up to the threesome and what happened during it while dean interrupts regularly. incredible

the shape you take by noviembre (10k)

“What?” Dean says, fake-offended. “I’d be hot as a girl, you know I would.”

And this is when he really, really should have stopped talking. When he shouldn't have whipped back around and asked, “Cas, if I was a woman, you’d fuck me, right?”

Because if he hadn’t said that, then he wouldn’t have had to deal with this:

Cas, meeting his eyes, forehead wrinkles all smoothed out like there’s nothing to be confused about anymore. Cas with something at the corner of his mouth that might barely be called a smile.

Cas saying, calmly and without hesitation, “Yes, Dean.”

Dean Winchester fucks around and, with the inadvertent help of some witches, Finds Out.

dean winchester your gender is diabolical. this fic is insane and its the only thing that matters actually. dean fully convinced its normal and straight to think about being a woman so you can fuck your male friend. incredible. op im proposing to you

Sinnerman by a_good_soldier (10k)

Dean listens to Nina Simone, reads Anne Carson, and makes out with a dude (sort of).

yall want to read about dean realizing he’s in love with a man as a direct result of learning to better respect women right?

you’re fooling yourself by cowboydeanwinchester (13k)

Dean Winchester and Castiel retire from hunting to raise baby Jack. Dean struggles to allow himself the things he truly wants.

Jack is two, Castiel and Dean are idiots, and Sam's gotta solve everyone's problems.

love a married couple who doesn’t know they’re married <3 everyone say thank you sam for bullying dean

The Girlfriend Experience by rageprufrock (15k)

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

a classic for good fucking reason. we’ve all talked about dean thinking holding hands is too gay after having just had gay sex but my personal favorite was sam accusing dean of cheating on cas because dean bought condoms. incredible

No Kingdom To Come by domesticadventures (16k)

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

literally the only quarantine fic i’ve ever bothered to read in any fandom and completely worth it it’s SO good. they become fwb and dean has an existential crisis and he keeps bringing up meaninglessness and death during sex

Bodies by Speary (18k)

It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted. Even if that lie involved constantly seeking out temporary, consenting female vessels, Cas would do it. He told himself it was worth it for Dean. He just hoped that he could stop wanting more, or maybe one day Dean might stop pretending that he wasn't really sleeping with Cas every time.

i don’t even have anything to add tbh if that summary did not immediately make you click we are very different this fic is incredible. god. fellas do you ever make yourself a woman so you can fuck the man you love without him having to talk about it or confront his sexuality

it’s such a mystery (the way you know me) by fleeceframe (20k)

So the man crouching in front of Castiel is named Dean. He wonders if that’s supposed to mean something to him.

“Cas must’ve got hit with something earlier. He just dropped like a sack of fucking potatoes a minute ago. By the time I was checking on him, he had already woken up again, but now he doesn’t fucking know who we are.”

“I’m right here you know,” Castiel says testily.

Sam’s eyes are wide even as his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks between Dean and Castiel again.

“What do you remember, Cas?”

“Firstly, that I’m not Cas. I don’t know who Cas is, but it’s not me. I don’t know who either of you are, either."

or the one where castiel is hit with a memory curse that makes him forget the winchester brothers and is stunned to find out he has a family... also why can't he stop thinking about dean?

BEST amnesia fic oh my god. cas my beloved you deserve the world. everyone read this that is not a request.

More Than Ever by Sass_Master (20k)

Dean’s getting some pancakes together for breakfast when Cas saunters in after a run.

He’s trying to focus on whisking batter, unfairly distracted by Cas a few feet away, breathing heavily and shining with perspiration. Dean’s been painfully aware for a long time that Cas is pretty easy on the eyes, but he’s used to seeing Cas buttoned-up and unflappable, looking straight-laced in a stiff oxford and an unflattering trenchcoat.

Now Cas is sweating, Dean’s borrowed t-shirt clinging to his skin, flushed from exertion and Dean really can’t deal with that in his kitchen right now.

this entire series is really good i enjoyed it a lot, i’m just putting this one specifically on the list bc the rest of the series is very explicit and this is really good as a standalone for anyone who wouldn’t be into the rest of the series!!

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous (20k)

"You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in."

Who the fuck was this bitchy "warrior of God" doing talking to him like that? Fuck Cas-tee-el and his dumbass trench coat and abrasive motherfucking attitude.

Dean was done with this shit.

***

Wherein a monster of the week steals the essence of Castiel's vessel, so he must use Dean, recently raised from hell, as a vessel instead.

it is at this point i realize that there are more fics than i expected there to be on this list that involves a threesome with only two people/using the presence of a female body to act like what’s happening is heterosexual. deangirlism is a disease

I Shall Not Want by domesticadventures (20k)

His grace is burning out, and the wasteland it leaves inside him becomes an echo chamber for all the memories, all the fear and doubt and self-loathing he's collected over the years. Things said and done hound him on endless repeat until he's convinced they’ll break through his skin and fill the silence of the bunker.

His head is killing him, and he sits hunched over an open book, not really reading, just digging his fingers into his skull and praying nothing slips through the cracks.

this one is GORGEOUS i love it so so much. dean and cas are both struggling so much to get by and they’re trying to support each other but fucking it up and they have to grow together and learn to cope with the fact that this is where their lives are and they fall in love i need everyone to read this

To Boldly Go by 8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess (24k)

Title: Just One of Those Things Author: Impala67 Series: TOS Rating: M Summary: Four years into their five-year mission, and all the planets start to look the same.

In which Dean is not Gene Roddenberry, but he does write Star Trek fanfiction.

mx winchester writing star trek fanfiction to process his own trauma <3 this is a wip but it’s SO good and i also have not consumed a single piece of star trek media so it IS definitely readable to anyone who isn’t a star trek fan. please read this

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo (30k)

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

this is on here just for the 1.5 people who were putting off this one like i did for no reason. it’s extremely good and it is just gentle. i enjoyed it a lot

Heroes for Ghosts by pantheon_of_discord (42k)

After Sam and Dean are arrested, Castiel is left alone and scrambling to find them. He knows they’re locked away in a government facility, and he’s still able to hear their prayers, but no matter how he tries Castiel can’t seem to track them. He chases leads and even attempts to hunt on his own, but Mary is AWOL, Crowley refuses to help, and Castiel’s options are running out.

Weeks pass, Castiel’s hope dwindles, and through it all Dean prays, keeping them connected. His voice is comforting, frustrating, and occasionally annoying, but in his solitude Castiel comes to cherish it. But then one day, without warning, Dean stops praying, and Castiel is forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about his feelings.

yall ever wonder what it would’ve been like if the sam and dean arrest storyline in s12 was interesting? yeah <3

Teaching Poetry to Fish by aeli_kindara (52k)

In which Castiel teaches poetry to fish. Also, himself. Also, eventually, Dean.

(A series-long story, diverging slightly from canon after S14.)

cas learning about humanity through poetry before dean and thats what led to him developing enough emotion to be lobotomized....cas i love you so much

Emergence by ellispark (58k)

Something’s been missing from Dean’s life for the past three years, a void left after a hunt gone terribly wrong. He often feels a sense of longing with no discernible cause, a need to talk to someone who isn’t there.

A call from an acquaintance leads Dean to James Novak, a man who disappeared more than a decade ago, and suddenly Dean gets the feeling he’s found what he’s been missing. But James isn’t really James — he’s the angel Castiel, who’s wanted by angels, demons and hunters alike. And he may be at the center of the storm that wrecked Dean’s life all those years ago.

another cool amnesia fic!! for unknown reasons everyone forgot cas three years ago but cas didn’t forget anything. cas deserves so much love and support. god

a turn of the earth by microcomets (95k)

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

cas getting to meet and fall in love with pre hell dean just as much as he loves the dean he already knows oh my GOD. i love this fic so much. turn of the earth my beloved

Crossing Lines by sometimeswelose (122k)

Two Deans, one Cas - it's not as sexy as it sounds

An ethics lesson from Hell

The one where Dean from the past meets Dean in the present. They're not sure they like each other very much.

deans intense self hatred vs cas’ unwavering love for every version of dean oh my GOD also this is a wip fair warning but it’s so worth waiting for updates i’m having such a great time with this one i cannot wait to see how it gets ended

Plot Holes by saltyfeathers (160k)

Of course it wasn’t over after the apocalypse.

There was season six. Then there was season seven. Against all expectations, there was season eight. There were the alphas and purgatory, and then the Leviathans, and then the angels fell. Enter season nine. Loose threads Metatron, Abaddon, and Crowley have to be tied up. Sam, Dean, and Cas have to try to tie them while at the same time dealing with their evolving relationships and newfound graceless states.

Amidst all the chaos, someone has started publishing the Supernatural novels again. Convinced there’s something amiss in the pages, Charlie starts her own quest to suss out the truth behind the Winchester Gospels.

With the help of various faces, old and new, they must now not only deal with the typical runs of demons and recently fallen angels, but also reconcile the battles raging inside themselves, as the fate of the world, once again, quite literally lays in the palm of their hands.

saltyfeathers said i WILL make the plot holes in this show mean something because the showrunners are sure as shit never gonna adress them ! and i thank them for it bc this was a really cool read

Casefic/Roadtrip Fic

Deprived Of Every Planet by KelpietheThundergod (9k)

Dean's breathing is audible in the scant space between them, irregular. The motel room is dark, pale blue shadows falling in through the gaps in the blinds. Throwing a pattern of uneven white stripes over the bunched up covers. Over Dean's fingers twisted in the sheets. One half of him in shadow, softened by the dark. The heat of his skin. The tremble of him under Castiel's touch.

He caresses a hand over Dean's chest, slowly. Dean's mouth falls open, his body arching into Castiel's touch. Castiel stops over Dean's heart. Through the fever of his desire, he rejoices about the wonder of experiencing another's heartbeat through one's own senses.

Dean gasps, but then he turns his face away and towards the dark. Eyes closed tight and brows furrowed like something is hurting him.

Castiel stills.

“Dean?”

the case is background on this one but it Does take place over the course of a case so im putting it here. god touchstarved dean trying so hard to work through his shit for cas head in my hands i love this fic so much

before and after breakfast by spocklee (10k)

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

chapter 2 of this one.....god. dean and cas you are both so unwell <3 i love everything abt this fic everyone read it now

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon (15k)

Dean’s always known things were headed this way. He just figured getting dragged under would be cleaner and easier than jumping in feet-first.

fics that make you go Oh they love each other...also there’s lesbians in it literally what else could you want.

thunder road by dothraki_shieldmaiden (20k)

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

this fic is just like. it’s kind! this fic is kind it’s just a pleasant experience and i enjoyed it thoroughly. they’re in love and it’s good

Suck It, Judy Garland by GlitterDwarf, midrashic (20k)

It had to be St. Louis. Or, the one where Sam and Cas get fake married for a case, and Dean loses his mind.

actually im gonna defend dean here imagine youre dean and cas gives what definitely sounded like a deathbed love confession while making eye contact with you and then immediately afterwards fake dates your brother. who among us would not have been a bitch about this

best friends without benefits by lizbobjones (20k)

It’s nearing three a.m. and they’ve been on the road a long time. Sam’s been asleep in the back seat since eleven. Giving up and handing the wheel over to Cas and letting the guy who doesn’t sleep drive had seemed like a good idea.

the premise of this fic is so funny. cas voice dean you want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid. everyone read this

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (22k)

This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.

alt version of getting rid of the mark of cain, the darkness never happens. this one is VERY heavy but it’s so good and it has a hopeful ending. ive read this one twice and loved it both times

Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark (45k)

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

hello op please contact me. please contact me and let me see the inside of your brain. this fic was an unparalleled experience and everyone should also go through it. i love it so very much

Bumper Cars by mansikka (111k)

Two teenagers are missing from an abandoned carnival, and there’s enough to raise suspicion that their disappearance involves a ghost. Dean, Sam, and Cas arrive in town to investigate, though what they find leads them away from those teenagers, and on the trail of a ghost story that churns up things from their past.

Can newly-human Cas, and Dean, with the help of shipper!Sam, work out the mystery behind the abandoned carnival and its ghost, and along the way, figure out the riddle that is them?

one of my absolute fav case fics it forces dean to confront some aspects of johns parenting and work through some shit and also him and cas fall in love and it’s really well done. love this one a lot <3

Finale Fix-its/Finale Denial

Sorry Jimmy by K_K_TiBal (2.1k)

Based on the tumblr textpost:

jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

this one is just extremely funny. local midwestern heterosexual man is forced to play relationship counselor to the dumbest gay people in existence because one of them wore his face

Dean Winchester Really Needs To Make Some Gay Friends by AreYouReady (2.2k)

“Like, I’m trying to think if I’ve had, I don’t know, crushes. If I ever had a gay thing before you came along and just didn’t notice,” Dean said.

Cas suddenly looked down, and away from Dean. If Dean didn’t know better, he would swear Cas looked guilty.

“What is it, Cas?”

“You have had several… gay things before.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him.

“What? When? How come you know this better than I do?”

There was no way the answer to this question wasn’t funny as hell.

dean learning about gay ppl via the memories of dean smith...incredible.

tiny difference (between ending and starting to begin) by sunforgrace (2.4k)

Sometimes Dean catches Cas staring at the sky.

It doesn’t happen often. Not when Dean’s around to tell, anyway. But often enough that he starts to notice.

Eventually Dean starts to recognize the pattern.

Cas just doesn’t watch the sky. He watches the birds.

Chuck is gone, Cas is human, and the world is safe. In the quiet aftermath Dean and Castiel find each other again.

i really don’t have much to say abt this one it is just very good and they love each other so much

Bring Home by cenotaphy (3.8k)

Dean's phone doesn't ring on the drive back to the Bunker, but that's okay. Because—well, maybe Cas lost his cell, what with getting shuffled back and forth between a cosmic void dimension and all. And anyway, Dean doesn't want this conversation to happen over the phone, he wants to—he wants to talk to Cas face-to-face. They should talk face-to-face.

Dean will tell him—

Dean doesn't know what he'll tell Cas. Dean is, in fact, terrified by how utterly and completely he does not know what he'll say to Cas.

cas being forced to face the consequences of sending the risky text that was despair <3

dean’s coworkers vs the heteronormative agenda by cowboydeanwinchester (4.1k)

Dean started working at a local auto repair shop in Lebanon, Kansas about a year ago. His coworkers don't know much about him. Except that he has a wife. Or maybe he doesn't. But he has a kid. Who is either a toddler or a high schooler. Who is either named Jack or Sammy. He also might have a best friend named Cas, but that also might be his wife.

Truth is nobody knows what to make of Dean.

obsessed w people not knowing a single fucking thing about dean because he talks so much and never explains anything. this fic is SO funny

Enhanced Extraction Techniques by goldenraeofsun (5.8k)

The Empty takes Meg’s shape, Samandriel’s, Duma’s, every one of the thousands of angels Cas killed up in heaven. But in the middle of lecturing Cas in the form of Balthazar, it explodes in a burst of light and sound.

Dean Winchester stands in the aftermath.

the empty playing mind games on an awake cas bc it can’t put him to sleep is a thing i like a lot and this is very very good

Speak Silence No More by rea_sunshine (8.1k)

When Dean imagined this moment, it went like this:

Dean bursts into the Empty—guns blazing, chin high, righteous anger coursing through him. No matter what form his plans and fantasies and whiskey-drunk-whispered-promises took, he is always, always successful. When he imagined it, he was finally the hero Cas deserved.

The reality of the moment is this:

It’s fucking cold.

dean and cas STILL managing to not communicate with each other properly after the confession is so funny to me and this fic does it really well. also i like that a human being in the empty, where humans do NOT belong, had some like. consequences

my heart is a compass by lagaudiere (10k)

“There you are,” the Empty says, in Dean’s voice. It’s cold, like Dean’s eyes are cold, his expression set in contempt. It’s the expression Cas feared, he realizes, all the times he thought about saying it. Revulsion. It makes him feel sick in the way that goes beyond physical, here where there is nothing physical left.

The moment before it happened had been so sweet it covered up all the hurt. For years, Cas had been holding back those words, biting down on his tongue to keep from saying them. And now he had said it, and he knew that it was good, knew that it was worth it. But on the other side there is only this.

In the Empty, Cas dreams of his regrets, until someone comes looking for him.

one of thee best dean rescues cas from the empty fics out there i love the way his memories are written i love how many of them were ones that this fic came up with to give me new things to have brainworms over instead of just making me more fixated on He Watched Him Rake Leaves than i already am

killing time by orestespdf (11k)

It's been four years since Dean saved Cas from the Empty and confessed his feelings in return, and in their Vermont lakehouse, the retired couple is now learning how to heal. One morning, Dean gives Cas a haircut.

(A character study of Castiel.)

perfect fic perfect fic no notes no complaints they love each other so much and now dean is giving cas a haircut and they’re spending the day together. god.

and every time we kiss, i swear i can fly by knameless (14k)

Every time, Dean tells himself it’s the last.

aka, twelve times dean and cas kiss.

a just boy best friends kiss for every season <3 mwah

for which no words exist by MediaWhore (14k)

'a prayer for which no words exist' // richard siken

"Dear Cas who art in my bathtub, give me the strength to be honest about how I feel. For your sake and for mine. Forgive me all the times I wasn’t in the past, all the words I should have said but didn’t. And please stay. Please stay with me when all is said and done. Amen. "

Dean rescues a newly human Cas from the Empty. That's the easy step.

mediawhore i am in LOVE with you oh my god this fic. this fic. dean taking care of cas after rescuing him dean wrapping cas in a blanket oh my GOD

swimming with the fish pond fish by februyuri (17k)

Some time between Dean bleeding out on a makeshift hook in a barn in Ohio and Sam making marshmallows on his funeral pyre, Dean was brought back to life. By Castiel. Again. Dean agreed to it if only to give Jack time to work out the glitches up top. So, now Dean’s back in the land of the living and things are ... actually good, for once.

Or, as good as they can be when demons are attacking Earth, Dean’s failing to get over why he died in the first place, and Cas is suddenly, inexplicably taking every opportunity to casually tell Dean that he loves him.

this is a wip! but it is so good and so worth the read i love it a lot and am very excited for the last chapter. it IS pretty heavy though dean has a LOT to work through

looking like a true survivor (feeling like a little kid) by courfeyrac (20k)

"Jack’s a clever kid—has been ever since he was born, maybe even before that—but Dean’s pretty sure he hasn’t figured out where they’re going yet. And Dean’s… Dean’s excited about it. He remembers planning surprises for Sammy when they were little—saving up quarters and sneaking off to the arcade the year he turned seven, or slipping a book Dean had seen Sammy admiring into his jacket before sprinting out of the store the year he turned twelve. There was only so much Dean could give him back then, hindered by lack of finances and transportation and a father who paid attention. Now, though, Dean’s got a wallet full of cash, a tank full of gas, and the freedom to give his kid the kind of birthday he deserves."

Or, it's Jack's fourth birthday, and the kid wants to go to Build-A-Bear.

EVERYONE READ THIS RIGHT NOW. that is not a request this fic undid me. oh my god. oh my god. they’re a family and they’re going to build a bear and they love each other. oh my god. also no it isn’t a baby jack fic he is 4 and he is also alcal

what’s missing is found (our souls can exhale now) by sobsicles (27k)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

~~~

"But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"

"I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."

deancas AND dreamhunter we love to see it also dean DOES smoke weed with kaia and apologizes for pulling a gun on her what more could you want in a fic

Command Me To Be Well by prospopeya (28k)

Dean did a lot of thinking about when and how he would get Cas back. Months of it, actually, stretching into a year, because while Sam and Eileen were settling into their new lives, Dean was stuck. He was stuck in a faraway corner of the bunker, dark and empty and hollow, ringing with the sound of a vibrating phone.

So when he falls to his knees in that same room, exhausted, hurting, breathless, and he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Cas, he realizes that he doesn't have a single clue about what to do now. Getting Cas out had been easy--actually, it'd been the opposite of that--but the planning of it, the methodical desperation of one attempt after the other had been a familiar rhythm. It'd been soothing almost, solid, something to focus on that wasn't Cas's eyes, watery and jubilant in a way Dean hadn't ever seen that up close on anyone, let alone Cas.

And now Cas is pulling him to his feet, and Dean's stumbling, and he instinctually grabs Cas's arm, and his hand lights up with a fire that he isn't prepared for.

"Hello, Dean."

oh post despair lack of communication....oh dean refusing to work through his feelings...this fic is incredible i love it everyone who enjoys dean doing everything in his power to avoid talking about feelings up to and including having sex with the guy who’s in love with him multiple times should read this

break the skin (to break the barriers) by sobsicles (29k)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.

SOBSICLES TATTOO FIC MY BELOVED. dean grieving and getting tattoos and it turns into tattoo therapy. im SO in love with mitzi it’s insane. requires some suspension of disbelief for how long a tattoo takes but it’s an incredible fic and an unparalleled experience. sobsicles does not miss

ascend by quiettewandering (53k)

Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?

SUPER cool concept i liked this a lot i’m pretty sure everyone’s read it already but just in case someone hasn’t you absolutely should

oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith by sobsicles (62k)

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't.

~~~

"You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—"

Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out.

Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part.

"What?" Dean grits out.

"I love you, too."

the ONLY heaven fic. i do not read heaven fics bc i refuse to budge in my finale denialism i refuse to read fic where it is accepted that dean dies. i was hesitant to read this but god im glad i did it was so good. literally the best possible outcome of dean dying

Endverse

final fantasy. by orange_crushed (1.9k)

“If I’d actually been born human, would I have gotten sick like everyone else? Would I be running around gnawing on the neighbors?” Castiel tilts his head up and even from here Dean can see the black ring of his pupils, wide and dark as dead stars. He’s high as fuck and he’s been loading the guns for forty-five minutes. He stares into the space where Dean is. He smiles and shows his teeth. “Maybe you’d have already put a bullet in my head.”

"This is why you don’t lead storytime anymore," Dean says. "This kind of shit."

endverse last night on earth fics are something that can be so personal actually. god

The Last Song by Moorishflower (3.5k)

The very last song is the Song of Solomon, and Castiel sings it only for Dean. Set in "The End."

this is like. pre endverse and the tone is so like. wistful? is the best word ive got? it’s gorgeous i love it but fair warning there is graphic description of like. viscera and infected wounds

to think that we could stay the same by cipherwriter (6.5k)

cas has all he needs; himself, his creation, and enough power to continue this cycle for a long time. he's fine. dean wants to take care of him anyway.

oh my GOD this one is good it’s based off the thing of how originally endverse cas was supposed to be just sitting in a room killing and resurrecting the same cockroach over and over. very bittersweet at some points i love it a lot, do not read it if youre looking for something happy though lmao

the first church at the end of the world by withbloodstainedclothingon (11k)

The angels don’t eat the brain. Only Croats do that.

this one is fucked but it’s incredible it contains very heavy and violent subject matter and cas is an Actual cult leader he doesn’t just have orgies it is SO well done and i had a great time reading it i recommend it very highly if the warnings sound like something you can stomach

Down to Agincourt by seperis (1.1 million. i know. yes it’s a wip)

There is no such thing as a guarantee when it comes to war.

The outcome's known. Why try? Return your rusty sword to battered sheath, bow your head and bend your stubborn knee. Why take the field when you cannot win the war? But Harry -- he went down to Agincourt.

PLEASE. i know the length is intimidating i KNOW it’s a very long fic but please. please read down to agincourt i am begging you. head in my HANDS this series is incredible.

Non Supernatural AUS

Long-Term Relationship by bendingsignpost (2.7k)

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

look man it’s bendingsignpost okay. it’s bendingsignpost it’s good and it’s sweet and you should read it

One White Lie by komodobits (11k)

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

do you ever pretend to be a jehovahs witness for months to hang out with the guy you like because you fucked up asking him out? yeah.

separate ways and sleeping dogs by sobsicles (53k)

Dean is three years sober when Cas comes back into town.

~~~

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Dean, once again, has to swallow the urge to offer to swallow something else. It's very hard to resist the gut-wrenching pull of want that hooks in his chest whenever he looks at Cas. And to think, he used to have him, used to be able to act on that want.

God, he's so fucking stupid.

Well, there's no point in kicking himself three years later for shit he can't change. He'll just sit right here and pretend that his fingers aren't twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He can't do that anymore, and it's his own damn fault.

"Three years ago," Cas prompts.

Dean huffs a weak laugh. "Yeah. Eventful."

this fic hit me SO hard emotionally oh my god. don’t have much to say bc most of my thoughts on this fic are very personal but my god read this please

Everyone’s a Critic by Englandwouldfall (109k)

The one where uninspired chef Dean Winchester has a one night stand with the male (!) food critic who described the flavour of his garlic bread as 'closeted' and accidentally ends up dating him to try and prove that he's a kick ass chef, thank you very much.

(He may have a point about the 'closeted' thing).

this one is SO fun. dating the food critic who called your garlic bread closeted and lying about your career because you’re embarrassed and you want to redeem your food in his eyes but then you fall in love with him

Non Destiel Centric

gender? you mean that thing i have that pisses people off? by bigender dean winchester (homosexualitie) (946 words)

sam and dean paint each other's nails and dean abuses the technicalities of her gender. what more could you want?

HELLO HE/SHE DEAN COMMUNITY oh my god the pure rush of euphoria reading this. oh my god. oh my god.

the quiet road to a distant city by rottingbrains (1.2k)

Sam stares out the windshield again. They’re approaching a city, and she can see the lights in the distance. She’s past the danger zone, and she feels like the world around her reflects that in some way she can’t put into words- as if God is telling her that it’s okay. She did the right thing, and soon she will be past the lonely unknown and into the warm, forgiving light of acceptance. Or something. Come to think of it, the lights only look warm from far away, and she knows that the actual city will seem far less welcoming. Still. Best not to imagine the worst when it’s already going well.

required reading for transfem lesbian sam fans. fics that live in your ribcage to make your heart feel good

Four People Ruby Seduced & One She Actually Fell For (Or: Ruby's Epic Love Affair with Humanity in General and Sam in Specific) by tuesday (3.7k)

In which Ruby has a lot of sex, is not any kind of therapist that would be legal, and helps a few people out for her own reasons. (S4/S5 AU)

for everyone out there who enjoys ruby being a girlboss <3

Fractured Link by Trell (orphan_account) (5.5k)

Meg goes on, resolute despite the way Dean flinches, "He likes me. He likes me a lot, and I like him back, and that's probably good enough for both of us. But fuck me for saying so, Dean-o, he loves you, probably more than anything else on his daddy's green Earth, and you need to man up and give back what Clarence over there has been devoting to you for years."

this is meg/dean/cas which is not smth i really seek out but this was extremely good. set in s7 so it’s meg and dean and honey cas and it’s a lot of dean figuring his shit out and trying to forgive cas and i love meg a lot in this

#spn #supernatural #destiel #deancas #mine

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wild-selenite-caffine · 2 years ago

Text

may be publishing Under the Covers within a month or so… 👀

Summary:

Zenkichi perceived the unorthodox item didn’t warrant more than a quick glance, as at first, it was a simple sheet of paper folded over itself. No envelope, no markings to indicate it was made in a haste. Yet, as the tingling sensation returned to his scalp, Zenkichi mustered his strength to keep a level head. He took the letter and unfolded it, beginning to read the statements.

Jyun Owada’s arrest brings new things to light; the good and the bad. It all intends to hurt all those who were involved and pulls more people in its disaster, with Zenkichi Hasegawa at its center.

i already have 5-6 chapters pre-written, and now im excited to have everything at least edited and beta’d by yours truly! maybe if all goes well, publishing of the pre-writtens will be from july-august and i’ll give them some time to be noticed since i’ll be busy with school at the latter half of the year ☕️

some notes:

the work is teen and up and has graphic depictions of various topics, although the early chapters are relatively tame, ive already put in place some descriptions that are hinting at whats to come

HaseMaru (Takuto Maruki x Zenkichi Hasegawa) is the main pairing, and theres found family… and the struggles that comes with being a found family

spoilers for Persona 5 Royal and Persona 5 Strikers

feedback via comments on the work are highly encouraged and appreciated! this is my longest work by far, and with a busy schedule, i honestly may have done some things that need pointing out XD i wanna improve as the story progresses, so these will help me out a bunch <3 (youre also free to send some love and what you like about it on my way, especially favorite lines/descriptions!! those are my favorites)

anything i’ll add? mm maybe in the future <3 have a wonderful day/night!

#caff in the covers #hasemaru #persona 5 fanfiction

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prettyboykatsuki · 3 years ago

Text

extended authors note for “the liminal space between love and lonely”

the pinterest board | the spotify playlist

✫ cw ;; me being super emotional, personal feelings you might not care about, but also general warnings and thoughts about this indepth analysis of a character! be forwarned!

you know how sometimes you don’t really write a story and it just kinda.. comes out of you?

well! that was this. i think i started this thing? at the beginning of this week and it’s been a rollercoaster! been a weird and fucked up week where i felt weird and fucked up. i cried a lot like a little hermit and screamed about deku and got really sad over him etc. there’s a lot i want to say because this is 1. my longest fic to date 2. the only fic of this length that i’ve ever written in one sitting without breaking to write something else.

this fics main and most central theme is loneliness, at the very least - how people cope with loneliness and busy-ness and the general. without getting into excessive detail - life is very lonely lately. its probably the first time in my life ive let myself admit that and this was truly an exploration. exploring loneliness through deku, which is why so much of this story is in his pov

i think one of dekus biggest flaws is that sometimes his sense of justice runs so deep, that he unconsciously seperates himself from others and doesn’t know how to see people with agency. he gets caught up in the version of him that supposed to exist instead of the one that does and he isolates himself from others. from love. i think sometimes deku forgets he’s a person and that’s a very lonely way to live.

the connection between the two of them is very central to the idea that sometimes there are people who sort of just work out, and that reader is so far removed from deku - he finds it easy to be with her. i could probably go on and on about deku and how i feel about him but the fic is there. im mostly just here to say this fic is very special to me. i’ve put a lot myself into it so if you read it, and hate it - please choose kindness and be nice about it. i care about this fic a lot so im asking nicely <3

if you read this far, congrats! u win nothing i dnt think but i appreciate you. very, very extra special thanks to the bubblepop server generally for being so fucking welcoming of me and my shy and miserable ass (all of u, ALL OF U) (<333) but especially @cyancherub for staying up at night and sprinting with me, @katonshoko and @a-shy-blueberry for betaing my fic in an insane amount of time holy shit you are a lifesaver for me. i appreciate you so SO much it makes me sick.

show kindness and i hope this fic makes you feel a little less lonely <3

#the liminal space between love and lonely #extender authors note #weee

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ask-the-clergy-bc · 4 years ago

Note

How would the papas and copia react to finding out the reader was the Antichrist? (Like the reader could've already been a sibling of sin then one day Satan shows up and is like 'hey that's my kid btw')

I actually got a second ask like this! So I’ll also be answering this with the second prompt in mind!

Second Prompt: (alrighty, I've had this in mind for a while but my brain isn't big enough to hc alone soo. general reactions from the clergy (papas + its members + ghouls) to meeting the son of satan <3)

Note: The Antichrist is going to be written as a Gender Neutral reader.

Papas Reacting to Discovering the Antichrist

Papa Nihil: Despite never speaking of it and his aloofness, Nihil knew you would eventually arrive at the Ministry. However, due to his age, he thought it would never be in his lifetime. Prophecies are already very vague. But he knew you were due in the next century or so. Nihil is honored to finally have you and be there when you are inducted into the ranks. Nihil’s welcome is warm and surprisingly humbled, which takes many aback given his ego. You and your Father are the ones they all serve, after all! He tells you to ask for whatever your heart desires. The Ministry is here to be your army, haven, and family. Of course, deep down he knows him and his bloodline will be rewarded for their hard work. Nihil is delighted that he will continue to reap the benefits once you reveal yourself!

Papa I: He had known of your coming for years now. Papa has been Lucifer’s strongest prophet and was just waiting for you to finally come to them. It was a bit unnerving when you arrived at the Ministry for the first time and Papa was already waiting for you. It’s even more awkward for you when he bows before he looks into your eyes. “I am honored to be the Guide for The Unholy Child.” You come to find Papa has been personally assigned to be your mentor… whether that is a good or bad thing is up to you. But he is dedicated and ready to help your coming to the world and your inevitable victory. Papa basically teaches you everything about the history of the ministry, magic, and every dark ritual you are entitled to. Under him you will be powerful and ready to face the enemy and convert the masses.

Papa II: Believes that the Antichrist is eventually going to show up in their ranks, but does not necessarily believe it’s you at first. Not that he wants to doubt you or Lucifer, but there have been MANY people who try to make this claim. There have been countless pretenders who join their clergy and try to exploit them for gain. It takes his own communion with Lucifer, his ghouls, and family before he accepts you as the true Antichrist. Papa definitely treats you like an heir to a throne. Satanic Royalty as realized on Earth. Anything you want you get it! Encourages you to start acting like the unblessed creature that you are! Your Father promised you the world in ashes and for you to reap the benefits and sweet fruit of His victory! Papa, thankfully, is still mindful of your space as he is your servant first (shocking I know!) But he is always happy to be a mentor in all ways sinful!

Papa III: The first time you made eye contact he instantly knew. Actually, he was horribly insulted that no one believed him at first! He immediately made his way down to you with a flourish. Papa gave you the most grand bow while he took your hand and gestured to the Cathedral. “Welcome Home, we have been expecting you!” Like his older brother, he treats you like royalty! More so even, like a long lost sibling or cousin! Papa gets a little ahead of himself! Instead of answering questions right away he gives you the longest most detailed tour of the cathedral- including where your grand quarters will be. Papa will apologize and laugh when you finally get him to slow down and explain everything. You knew you were the antichrist but you BARELY knew anything about the Ministry and its mission when it came to you and your Father! Papa takes you to dinner and answers EVERYTHING, then proceeds to make sure you get everything you ever want. Also offers to teach you about your powers if you wish, but he;ll admit he might have to fight his eldest brother for the privilege!

Papa IV/Cardinal Copia: Copia definitely has mixed feelings when you are confirmed to be the Antichrist. He is very arrogant when he wants to be, and actually thought HE HIMSELF was going to be revealed to be the antichrist. So he’s almost disappointed and nervous when the high clergy and ghouls confirm your identity. But luckily, that ego of his only recently developed. Copia, as a cardinal, has been trained to look for you and do your bidding. In fact, he’s almost a little too eager to help you with the coming End of Times! Before that, he makes sure you are comfortable and well looked after. He makes sure you have ghouls of your own, lavish quarters, and a staff to wait on you hand and foot. Copia also almost is annoying with how much he wants to talk and plan with you!

The Clergy as a Whole: Have been preparing for this day for a good century now. There were always prophecies but they were taught to wait patiently! Some don’t believe that you are the Antichrist at first. Which you honestly don’t blame them for, as you would be skeptical if you were in their shoes. It IS hard to believe, and it took you years to accept it yourself! No one is exactly SURE how to act around you, and that’s not out of maliciousness or purposely out casting you. Far from it!

To many it’s like finding out they were living with royalty or a famous movie star this whole time! Many siblings don’t know whether it’s respectful to treat you like a normal member or if they are required to treat you as they would a Papa.

#the band ghost #ghost bc #ghost headcanons #reader insert #antichrist #antichrist reader #papa nihil #papa emeritus i #Papa Emeritus II #papa emeritus iii #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia #the ministry #year zero #the clergy #lore #ghost lore

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savnofilter · 4 years ago

Text

Another Year Together

Todoroki x 『GN』Reader

↬ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ(s): intoxication, mentions of partying too hard, injuries and cleaning said injuries, crack (?), fluff.

↬ᴡᴄ: 2.5k [10 mins].

↬ᴀ/ɴ: ahhhh i was bummed that i dont have any sfw shouto reqs *cough cough* send some- *cough cough* anyways so i made up a scenario of my own! i have more fluff ideas i'd love to put out but this may be the birthday fic or i'll post something else tonight if i can~ every time there needs to be a party, just know either mina or kaminari threw it. also its a little rushed because i wanted to get this out tonight and this is the longest sfw piece ive ever written. ;; pffft hopefully you all will love this as much as i loved writing it, happy birthday shouto!

"Stay still." Shouto muttered to you as you squirmed away from the harsh sting the disinfectant alcohol caused your bruised skin.

"Mmmnhmm... M' sorry." You utter haltingly, your leg jerking once more from the sudden sensation. You look up at him with puppy eyes, guilt-stricken as you have already broken your promise.

He stared at you for a few seconds before his gaze softened as you stuck out your bottom lip with a sorrowful look on your face. As he smooths the cloth over your exposed thighs, he softly sighs under his breath, expertly concealing the roll of his eyes. Todoroki was relieved that your reflexes were still in shape, the abuse of the liquor not interfering much with your cognition... at least not too much.

You two shared the same birthday. He had no idea that celebrating your big day of turning 21 would've been so hectic. As many things between you and Todorooki, you guys took today as a competition. The day started with you both trying to one-up each other since Todoroki’s lucky day was yours as well. First, your day with a breakfast made by him -- with the assistance of Bakugo of course. You couldn’t help the warm swell in your heart at how much effort he had put into it but it wouldn’t top you! While you two interned at the same agency it was pretty easy to surprise him with a big B-Day lunch and an obnoxious bouquet.

“This is a little too much…”

“There is no such thing as too much for you, Sho.”

Truthfully, he felt that way because he wanted to wow you as well. He was glad that today was a calm day concerning his patrol watch, giving him time to map up his day today and think about all the other miscellaneous thoughts that roamed his head. The painting he had saved for this momentous day sat in the back of his head as he patrolled the streets, the small accessory along with it sitting next to the rest of his pee-pee pouches making him grow nervous. I had kept the small item with him in fear of losing it, the last thing he needed was it to go missing under his watch.

You on the other handheld no qualms about goofing off for the day. Now, you weren’t entirely wasting away the day, you just simply knew how to let loose. With the great news you’d be staying in the office you had more than enough time to help plan and finalize Todoroki’s surprise birthday party. You bit your lip as you checked in with your longtime friend, Kaminari, to host the momentous occasion. Your mind was mostly occupied with the thought of the party and the small but significant present that you had in your desk draw. You and Todoroki had the same mind, the only thing setting you apart is you somehow being more… airhead than him.

Impossible, right? Not at all. That’s how it explains why he was busy cleaning up your injuries.

After being sent home early you had taken him out to lunch for some soba and well, boba as a great lunch treat — simple enough. You both were full upon going back home, giving you two a few hours to snuggle up and nap to rejoice with the sleep you two had lost from over the time having part-time heroes. Holding back the excited news of the party was hard to do, the first thing you did when you woke up was jump up and usher him to get up as well.

“What -- why??” Shouto glared as he was forced to sit up, rubbing his eyes with the free hand that you didn’t use to pull him up.

“C’mooonn! I just have one more thing to show you for today!” You beam brightly. Your facial expression was as bright as ever like you hadn’t just slept for 4 hours before that. Everything in his body wanted to resist but he couldn’t as he wouldn’t bring himself to. It took but only an hour for the both of you to get ready, sending Kaminari a quick text to make sure that everything was set for sure.

“Honey, I know this might sound a little odd but I need you to put this on.” You hand him the blindfold once you find him dressed and ready. You couldn’t help but grin at his confused face when he stares at the piece of fabric.

“I thought you said we were going out?” He asks mildly confused, taking it and putting it on anyway.

You paused and gave yourself a moment to think about his response, your cheeks feeling hot at the insinuation. Todoroki’s small giggle makes you feel better about your flustered words, rolling your eyes annoyed when he teased you like that. “Just hold onto my hand okay?” You instruct, hand coming up to hold him as an example. He nods his head as he follows your lead, more excited than what he led on.

The trip from your apartment down to your car didn’t take too long, the assistance of helping him not trip over his shoes harder than you thought. It was hard to keep back your laugh as he fumbled here and there, the most highlight of your experience was helping him in his care (like he usually did with you) and even buckling in his seat (not something he did for you). You were practically buzzing in your seat in excitement as you took off as soon as you were ready, the journey to his place not too far from your own. You bobbed your head to the music of the radio as you vibed along with the beats, fingers tapping the steering wheel as you mumbled the lyrics to whatever song played. Had it not been winter time in Japan you would’ve had the windows down, but you had to settle with the subtle and gentle breeze of the heaters on your skin instead.

“We’re here.” You announced your arrival. You used the keycard Kaminari had given you as the entrance to his apartment complex and zoomed-in irresponsibly. It was easy finding a parking space on the higher levels conveniently the same as his home. You hopped out and helped Todoroki out from his seat and helped him to the elevator. “Promise me to have fun, okay?” The question was simple enough, but your level of fun always exceeded his.

The sentence made him turn in your direction with confusion heavy on the top of his head. You took out the key from your pocket and jiggled it into the lock. As soon as he was about to open his mouth you yoinked the blindfold off his eyes, the first thing his eyes seeing your cheerful grin and everyone popping up from their hiding places and throwing the decorations up that they held in their hands.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

Todoroki was taken back from the whole thing. How many people were there, the familiar faces, the decorations, and just overall effort that was put into this. He couldn’t help but look over at you with the same adoration he normally did when you looked the other way. He was greeted by so many of his friends and mutuals, the overwhelming amount of gifts that sat on the table, and the arrangement of food and drinks that sat up in the spacious room. In the back of his head, he knew he would have to keep an eye on you, and he was right.

The group had gathered to get some cake to get it out the way, the bonus of ice cream filling your tummy with happiness. As soon as you had finished your dessert plate, you declared everyone should loosen up; since no one objected, you went straight for shots. First, it was one, two, then it was two at once, then it was some straight from Mina’s belly button. You held no restraint at your alcohol intake, taking the immature opportunity to drink to your heart’s content. While you were liberal with your amount, Todoroki decided to take in practically none. The verses of your habits are almost amusing to watch like your two contrasting but similar personalities.

Later in the night when the mayhem had started. You and a few friends decided to dance on a few more dangerous surfaces, guaranteeing the sacrifice of one of them being Kaminari’s glass table.

“Holy shit—” Mina quickly rushed to your side, the same drunken posture and smile on her face as she tried to help you up, careful not to get the same glass shards that scattered the floor. “Are you okay-?!”

“YO Y/N WILDING!” Denki tries helping you up too, the help of the duo helping you somewhat.

You stumbled to get up, the flashlight of other people’s phones making you weary. “I-I’m fine-” You managed to let out, standing as you tried to clear your head and drink the water handed towards you. Either the H2O in that cup gave you courage or you simply went crazy. “let’s go again!”

Todoroki was left speechless upon watching you continue to party on, knowing damn well he'd have to stop you soon. He wasn’t one to attend parties, and most times when he did they always ended up like this. It seemed after your fall that the knock had given you a sign to calm down at least, deciding to drink more beverages that didn’t hold liquor in it. After some time he had managed to get you in his lap, holding you as he monitored your well-being.

As much as your reckless behavior would have annoyed someone else, he found it almost endearing. Well… not really in the sense you were drinking yourself silly, but in the fact that you still had the spirit to keep up and party even after the effects of your last hour of madness. It wasn’t long till you had gotten comfortable in his arms you had successfully partied yourself to sleep. Todoroki was careful in lifting you, thanking everyone from attending before quietly slipping out from the apartment.

He took a deep breath as he somehow managed to find your car, maneuvering to get you into the car and hopping in on his side to drive you home. Todoroki made sure to drive carefully in hopes that you wouldn’t barf all over his car that you had used to get there. The drive back was much quicker than when you two had headed up since it was practically dead at night and the streets empty. He liked drives like these. A part of him was sad that you weren’t awake for it.

Your boyfriend repeated the same process when he had pulled into your apartment complex, picking up your body and bringing you up to your shared home. He was dedicated to getting you situated, prepared to take care of you as much as he needed to. That’s how he found himself tending to your scrapes and bruises right now.

“You know I’m never going to let you drink again.” Shouto teases you, smirking lightly at your sad expression.

“You’d never!” You argued back with the same teasing tone, moving to cross your arms, stifling the pain as you did so.

Todoroki snorts at your dedication to hold up the act, nodding his head as he finished cleaning up your legs. “You’re right. But don’t expect me not to monitor you from now on.”

A smile tugs at your lips at his words, uncrossing your arms. The lingering drunk feeling still played in how you thought and spoke but not managing to affect how effortless it was to talk to Shouto. You blushed when he picked up your hands, kissing the back of your hands as he spoke to you once again.

“I have a present for you.” He mutters against your skin, eyes trained on the fresh bandages before looking up at you. He wasn’t looking for an answer and he didn’t wait for one either. He hoped that you couldn’t tell that he was weary, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small velvet box.

Your eyes widened at the realization of what he held in his hand, your heart beating faster as you sat up in your chair. “Sh-Sho?”

“It’s not what you think.” He responds almost defensively. Shouto bites his lip in anticipation, fiddling with the little box. “... it’s a promise ring,” Todoroki concludes. He felt like he had to explain himself for the slightly expensive jewelry. “If you don’t want it-”

You had engulfed him in a hug, pulling him tight against you as you had started to sob. You couldn’t think of words for how happy you were. The only thing that had taken over your body was actions. You nuzzled your face into his neck once his arms wrapped around your shaking your body. His hands soothingly rubbed your back, letting you get out what you wanted. He couldn’t help but laugh when you pull away with the most love-filled face he’d ever seen you make.

“You okay?”

“I’m perfect!” You hastily wiped your face with the help of Shouto, shakily laughing once he leaned into pepper your face with kisses.

“I was afraid that I scared you,” Shouto admits. You shake your head as you grab his hands, placing his palms on your cheeks, appreciating his soft palms.

“No… your hands are really soft…” You mumble. Your mind went blank as you tried to remember the next line you were going to speak, pouting as you looked around for the answer. The shock of him handing you the ring has successfully shaken you into processing your brain a little better, the heavy impacts of your drinking still lingering on.

“Are you okay?” He asks, worried. You nod your head in affirmation.

“A kiss could cheer me up.” You give him the same puppy eyes that you used before, weaponizing your cuteness to your advantage. He slightly cringed at the thought, hesitating before leaning in and placing a soft kiss against yours. He prepared himself to taste the alcohol against his lips. He pulled away once he deemed it ready, wiping his mouth and getting the ring he kept in his hand the whole day.

“I think you owe me by wearing the ring for making me kiss you.” He huffs, slipping the ring on your finger, his heart beating at the sound of your giggle.

“Nah you love me without the ring~”

“Yes, but I’d prefer you with it on.” He stands up and holds his hand out for you, taking you into his arms once again for the night and carrying you to your room. “For now get some rest, okay?” He sat you down on the bed and got you changed out of your clothes, sneaking in a few playful kisses here and there to make you laugh. Shouto’s main focus was just to get you situated to sleep peacefully for the night.

“G’night, Sho…” You mutter to him as you got comfortable in the sheets. Although the returning soreness didn’t go away you had managed to close your eyes and get comfortable.

“Goodnight.” He watched you until you fell asleep before leaving the room to prepare for you the pain medication you’d need in the morning for your impending hangover.

You never needed the promise ring to let you know he loved you; his actions always told you so.

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tigerdrop · 4 years ago

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Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

#asky #careposting

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huntertherapyeras · 3 years ago

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1, 6, 19, 25 for the writing ask game :)

hiiii cay :) fair warning these might be out of order since im using my phone's clipboard!

Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

so i have a few! mostly fanfics.

there's the body electric, which i haven't written for since maybe 2018 ? but i think about it a Lot. its a danny phantom fic featuring trans danny! was originally a rewrite of the show but im not sure what im doing with it now! it's probably my best work, very experimental bc i wrote it in second person, very personal because it talks about being a trans kid with trauma, and very important to me because of that. it also got an amazing reception, which im super proud of! gosh i gotta keep writing for that. my writing isnt nearly as good as it used to be bc im rusty and have cognitive issues but i really want to get back into it!

and then there's your past so present you can feel your baby teeth. its a catradora college au where catra and adora are cult survivors. i really want to do the subject justice, but i think im gonna rewrite the last few chapters i have published bc i feel like one scene is not sensitively written enough so i gotta go back and fix that. i have a lot of plans for this one! i just kinda am having trouble with motivation now ever since noelle made that racist joke awhile back. really hurt me and turned me off of the fandom lol, im sensitive. slavery jokes arent funny my friends.

im also working on in bloom. its a fic about autistic amity learning to unmask and heal from trauma surrounding ableism around her. very important to me. luz is such a light for amity and i really wanted to convey that!!!! i love luz so much!!

the most recent multichapter fic ive been working on is a post amphibia fic called just like an amnesiac (tryna get my senses back). its about marcy healing from the events of amphibia. mostly just kinda sad rn, but things will be looking up for her soon 💜 only two chapters in so far!

i have multiple one shot prompts sitting in my ask box and i really want to write for them and have ideas, i just have a really hard time getting started. and i had some original story ideas a long time ago too, but memory problems washed most of the concepts away so i guess im starting from scratch! i don't mind tho 💜

oh and theres one original short story i never finished from a few years ago but i cant remember the title rn... still tryna figure out how i want to end it but its nearly done lol

What character do you have the most fun writing?

ah jeez, i write for so many different fandoms at this point its kind of hard to pick just one! i like characters that i find easier to relate to. so danny fenton, marcy wu, amity blight, catra AND adora. i find luz fairly easy to write too, though im a little nervous to write from her perspective for some reason! i did a lot of writing from kurama's (from yyh) and ryou bakura's (from ygo) perspectives as well back in the day when i was still working on the ygo/yyh/hp crossover that ive long since abandoned. that was my longest fic at about 30k words when i abandoned it and like 70 pages! they were pretty easy to write about too i think!

What part of writing is the most fun?

honestly? projecting onto characters. i just think its neat :)

Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

nightmare sequences are a fave. something about being comforted after a nightmare or panic attack is so good to me... i think its bc i Want That lol

thanks for asking!!!!

#aster.exe #go ask aster

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andorwhore · 4 years ago

Text

Saudade - IV of VII

Chapter IV of VII: Care

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter four: Lose has a tendency to bring people close, and that can be daunting.

author’s note: Who hasn’t updated since October? I guess it’s me, the resident asshole author. I took a very long and unexpected break from writing due to school and work, and I still haven’t written any new content unfortunately. But I thought it would be a shame to let this complete chapter sit around unpublished. So, I’m hoping that this will motivate me to finish up this story (and potentially add that new chapter I’ve been considering). And if I never get around to wrapping this fic up, at the very least this is the perfect chapter to leave it on.

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 11,465 (longest one yet babey) rating: T, eventual R warnings: is ~*~intimacy~*~ something that requires a warning lol

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

taglist: @justanotherblonde23

The Festival of Stars was a celebration Jai was quite familiar with, or at least as familiar as the average person could be. She didn't know the exact origin of the festival week, though she knew it had something to do with interstellar space travel; what she did know with certainty is that every year, the Ring of Kafrene became overloaded with travelers during the holiday, en route to destinations all across the galaxy. On Kafrene, the people took to celebrating it as well, though as Jai got older she realized it was a means of ripping off all the gullible tourists that made pit stops on the colony. Residents of Kafrene were smart to jump on the opportunity, Jai's friends and family included, and ironically enough, because of the locals' investment in playing travelers for fools, the festival in its own way became a part of what little culture Kafrene had.

Jai hadn't expected to hear anything about the festival on Yavin 4. Hell, she all but forgot about the holiday week, the last six months of her life having been all consumed by Alliance business. She first heard someone mention the Festival of Stars just as they were heading back to the base after a mission to a planet called Naator (this being yet another world Jai had no prior knowledge of). She was brought along on the mission as tech support, though Jai was fairly certain she wouldn't be needed.

She had ended up spending a whole day on Naator just sitting in the ship and waiting for her team to return. The most thrilling thing that happened to Jai was when some local animal spooked her as she did an engine check in the morning, and she nearly fried the creature with her blaster. Her team returned successful, and they were off of the planet just as quickly as they had arrived.

As they started on their few hours journey to return back to Yavin 4, one of the team members reminded everyone that the holiday was going on that week, and that they should make a pit stop to pick up a few things to celebrate. Jai listened with intrigue as the group excitedly discussed the festivity, curious to hear about it from the perspective of those that didn't grow up trying to find ways to profit off of the holiday.

Apparently, quite a number of the rebels celebrated it every year, along with the other two Fete Weeks. Jai, of course, didn't know about these other weeks - they had their own dumb holidays back on the Ring of Kafrene, and the Festival of Stars was the only one she knew of that was celebrated in all corners of the galaxy. Rebels, no matter what planet they came from, all seemed to love the holiday, saw it as an opportunity to relax and forget their responsibilities for a while.

Although the festival was traditionally celebrated over the course of five days, the Rebellion only had two evenings unofficially dedicated to it - after all, it wouldn't be very practical if they spent an entire week partying. The "unofficial" part, someone explained to Jai, was because the council of superiors didn't recognize it as any kind of reprieve from work - they were happy to allow their rebels to celebrate, and even happy to take part in the festivities if time allowed, but the Festival of Stars wasn't something marked on everyone's calendars as time off. In the Rebellion, there was no such thing as time off. If someone was lucky enough to have one of the two evenings free, then they were welcome to join in the party.

Jai's team were all planning to attend once they got back to Yavin 4, encouraging the slicer to join them - and Jai was never one to turn down a party.

The Naator mission team ended up going a little crazy during their pit stop on one of the planets in the nearest trading belt - apparently, Jai observed, the Festival of Stars was more like the Festival of Drinking among the rebels. They grabbed everything from spicebrew to malts to drinks that Jai had never even heard of; and, of course, she made sure they grabbed as much Merenzane Gold as they could manage. Jai could only wonder just how much alcohol there would be at base once the other rebels returned from their missions as well, all surely having the same idea as her team.

By the time they returned to Yavin 4, evening was slowly closing in, and the hangar seemed far more crowded than usual - it would seem the partying was far too big for the confines of the mess hall, as the rebels took to setting up out here instead. The Naator team was already buzzing with impatience as the gunship settled on the tarmac, everyone waiting to jump out and join the party that had just begun over on the west side of the hangar. Everyone grabbed up the boxes of alcohol scattered across the ship - Jai made sure she grabbed at least one of the crates of Merenzane.

As she stepped off of the ship, Jai felt a warmth swelling in her chest, hearing her teammates chattering excitedly and the carefree voices of their fellow rebels drifting towards them from the west side. Back home, Jai and her brothers loved the Festival of Stars, and they almost always managed to convince Tillian and Vinis to let them run off amongst the crowds each evening rather than have them work at Vinis' shop in the market (or have them take advantage of the tourists' guards being down). When the three of them were out together, watching the performances other locals put on, hearing the excited chatter of people on the streets, climbing up on rooftops to watch the crowd with interest and awe, they were unstoppable. They always ended those evenings on the roof of their home, staying up into the wee hours of the mornings to watch all of the excitement - up there, they felt as if they were on top of the entire world.

Those were simpler times, before Tillian passed, before Jai's brother ran off with some unscrupulous stranger, when they were still young and hopeful and without a care in the world. Jai missed those days and missed what her family used to be. The holiday didn't feel the same after they lost Tillian, and by the time her brother left, the festival was practically nonexistent to her - they could never go back to the dream of their childhood, and Jai had come to accept that. But as she walked through the hangar with her excited teammates, each with a bit of a skip in their steps, Jai felt as if this could start a new festival tradition for her, one that, though not the same as that of her past, would be just as good. This was the next chapter of her life, and with the next chapter came new things to love and be excited about.

Another half a dozen or so ships had pulled into the hangar after the Naator team, all landing on the opposite end of the hangar from where the enlivened rebels were setting up drinks and tables. Jai was about halfway to her destination when she looked back towards the new ships, but they were too far off for her to immediately identify any of them. Beside her, the team leader, Kinall, asked Jai if she felt steady enough to take another box of alcohol on top of the one she already had - Kinall had to head up to Command to report to her superior about the mission. Jai gave a histrionic sigh, but agreed to take the second crate, readjusting her grip on the box of Merenzane Gold before Kinall set the second box atop it. The captain spun around to head towards the turbolift, Jai watching her walk off while she ensured her grip was steady before continuing towards the party.

"I think you have a drinking problem." a voice teased noncommittally from somewhere behind Jai, causing a smile to pull across her face as she rolled her eyes. Turning around carefully so as not to drop anything, she spotted Cassian and K-2SO approaching her, looking as if they, too, had just returned from a mission. Cassian had a teasing smirk on his lips, and yet the expression didn't even remotely reach his eyes; and, though Kay was expressionless, he still somehow seemed eternally judgmental.

"My only drinking problem is that I haven't had enough yet to deal with you." Jai retorted, looking past Cassian at all the other rebels that had come back from their various missions, wondering briefly if Cassian had gone with a team or if his job had been solo.

Nearly everyone returned with something in hand, most of which Jai was sure had to be booze, though unsurprisingly, Cassian was empty handed.

For another moment, Jai watched the other rebels as most of them walked in her direction, though she noted the few that quickly made their way for the turbolift instead, heads down and expressions distraught. Must have been a sour mission that dampened their mood.

Jai looked between Cassian and the two crates she carried as they began to feel even heavier, "Help a girl out, would you?"

Cassian glanced with disinterest at the boxes in her arms, though Jai could now recognize the waggish glint on his face that, once again, didn't quite seem to reach his eyes, "You look like you've got a handle on it."

She gave him a small glare before turning her eyes up towards K-2SO, but before Jai could say anything, the droid spoke, "Don't assume I'll help you with it."

Jai scoffed, "Such gentlemen…"

She and Cassian met eyes again as he gave a tired, agreeing grin, stepping up to take the top box from her, Jai's arms immediately feeling relieved at the lightened load. As she turned back around for them to head toward the tables, she eyed Cassian curiously, noticing that his posture seemed exhausted and his face worn.

"What, didn't bring anything for the party?" The man looked back at her, his expression a little less amused than before. His lips seemed to press tightly together for a slight second. There was something on his mind, that much Jai could discern, but she was certain that Cassian would avoid mentioning it.

"I have no interest in parties."

Jai shouldn't have been at all surprised by the answer. Of course Cassian wasn't the party going type - he preferred his brooding to having a good time. Ever since their night of drinking two months back, Jai hadn't been able to get him to do so since. Sure, Cassian had a drink here or there that she knew of, but the two haven't since sat down and dedicated a couple of hours to simply drinking and chatting as freely and carelessly as they had back then. That evening caused a shift in their relationship, even if by this point they couldn't exactly remember all of that night.

They were friends now, even if Cassian refused to ever say so out loud. That didn't mean they saw each other everyday nor did they have the chances to make great efforts to spend time together, however, they could both feel it in the way they talked, the way they seemed to feel more at ease with one another, the way they simply seemed to fit together.

Jai had somehow convinced Cassian to spend meals with her and her other friends in the mess hall on a few rare occasions, and when she wasn't busy with something Jai wandered her way to Cassian's ship or up to the control room to take some time to chat with him if she knew he was around base. Neither had been back to the other's dorm, however - that evening months ago was a strange exception, and without saying so they both had a feeling that the next time that happened, it'd be very different from that time before.

Jai liked Cassian - most of the time, she was pretty sure she knew it was just as a friend, but every now and again she caught herself looking at him a certain way, looking at him with a warmth in her chest that she didn't feel often enough to be able to surely identify it. It didn't linger all too often, but when it did it wasn't easy to ignore; Jai could tell herself it was the kind of warmth one felt for a friend, but then she'd catch herself admiring him too closely or getting lost somewhere in her head if someone mentioned his name, and she knew there was no way this warmth was simply one of friendship.

It wasn't a crush - that word certainly felt too juvenile to describe whatever this was. Jai simply saw it as the part of her that got caught up in the "what ifs" - what if we met in a different way in a different place, what if we weren't in this rebellion, what if he wasn't so guarded and distant? The "what ifs" were casual and non committal - they weren't real wants or desires, Jai told herself. They were simple considerations that passed through her mind as if they were foolish impulses, like those pesky voices that asked "what if you just shocked yourself with one of your tools to see what would happen" or "what if you went and jumped out of a ship without taking any precautions?"

And this was a ship that Jai had no intention of jumping out of - it was better if it all just stayed up in her head. She didn't dare let herself wonder if Cassian ever had those random intrusive thoughts - he struck her as the kind of guy who simply didn't have the time for intrusive thoughts. Even when he wasn't busy, his mind was at work, and there was no room for useless thinking as far as she could tell.

So, the fact that Cassian didn't do parties was something Jai could have guessed about him - just like useless thoughts, Cassian didn't seem to have time for useless events either. Though, it was still disappointing to hear from him, because Jai saw Cassian as someone that was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun every now and again.

Jai hummed as they set the crates atop a table full of alcohol of all varieties, other rebels already swarming to grab some for themselves, "That's a shame, I really could use someone to help me drink all this Merenzane."

As she grinned at Cassian, Jai snagged a bottle of her favorite drink before they could all disappear. Cassian glanced at the bottle before his eyes flicked back up to meet Jai's for a moment with a raised brow; he looked behind himself at Kay as if he could get Cassian out of this party, but the damned droid had already retreated with disinterest.

"You'll have to find another drinking partner, Jai." He replied plainly… no, it wasn't plain, he sounded exhausted; he knew, though, that the woman almost surely wasn't going to accept his answer. Jai was persistent when she wanted to be, and something about Cassian always seemed to make her more tenacious than she usually was. Cassian discovered that, apparently, after making some passing comment to someone about Jai's persistence, she was never so stubborn with others, as his comment surprised the rebel he was talking to. She must have reserved all of that tiresome stubbornness for him and him alone. Upon discovering that, Cassian repeatedly had to stop himself from overthinking what that meant.

Cassian could tell from the look in Jai's eyes that she was about to attempt to persuade him to stay for a little while, and he could also see that she was hoping that she'd succeed. Giving her his own resolute look, Cassian turned his shoulder and started walking out of the crowd of other rebels.

"You know you can relax every now and again." Jai's voice chimed up from right alongside him; she sounded caring, as if she wasn't simply asking for his company, but asking for him to be at ease for once, "Maybe a party would be good for you."

"I think not." He glanced down at her. His tone nor his expression were either harsh or dismissive, but that weariness Jai spotted earlier seemed almost more present in his eyes, "I have to go debrief with Draven."

Jai couldn't argue with that particular point, knowing it to be true, though she was sure a debriefing couldn't take up much of his time. She sighed a little through her nose as she looked down at the Merenzane she was carrying. Something seemed to be bothering Cassian, or maybe this last mission was just so draining that he couldn't commit himself to socializing.

"Come back down for one drink?" She tried one final time, seeing the consideration on Cassian's face when she looked back toward him.

A part of Cassian wanted to say yes. Despite how awful he felt, and despite his complete lack of interest in the Festival of Stars, a part of him wanted to agree to a drink with some good company. He began to consider that maybe a drink is exactly what his drained heart needed right now, what his weathered mind could use. Though he wasn't keen on joining a pointless party, Cassian felt some kind of pull towards spending time with Jai, especially given the way she looked at him with such hopefulness. Whether that be because he was fond of her or because he knew he had something important to say to her, he wasn't sure.

After all these months, Jai had become a friend, though her tactics were relatively new ones to him - any time she was told "Cassian doesn't do this" or "Cassian doesn't like that," she blatantly did whatever those things were to challenge them, to test them and see if they were true or if simply no one else dared to try to get any closer to him.

Cassian would have expected himself to become annoyed by Jai's persistence, but despite himself he found that he respected it, found that he even came to genuinely like it - because he kept so many people at arm's length, he was refreshed by Jai's resolve to get to know him, to be his friend and to see him open up. Sure, Jai's disregard for his space could occasionally be a pain in his ass, but more often than not it turned out to be exactly what Cassian needed in a companion, in a friend, in… well, he didn't want to consider what she could be beyond a friend.

Jai raised one brow as a grin spread across her lips - Cassian's silent consideration was a promising reaction, she had come to learn. The silence meant he was interested in her offer, at least to some degree, he just simply didn't want to admit so. As he recognized the look on Jai's face, Cassian sighed with an indignant roll of his eyes.

He lifted his index finger between them for emphasis, "One drink."

Jai's smile grew wider as she motioned with her head towards the turbolift, hoping her smile would help lift some of that obvious stress off of his shoulders, "Go take care of your debriefing, captain."

The trace of a sad smile pulled at Cassian's face as he turned away from the woman to make his retreat. Jai watched him go with a content expression, eyeing her friend closely until finally the doors of the lift closed, only catching at the very last second that there appeared to be some kind of a sadness in his eyes.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Jai had a feeling Cassian was going to flake on her.

Captain Kinall from Jai's mission already returned to the hangar, and the woman had gone up to command only a few minutes before Cassian. She'd been back long enough to finish one drink, and Jai found herself wondering if Cassian's debriefing had run over, or if he changed his mind and went back to his dorm without telling her.

She shouldn't be upset at him. It felt childish, this anxiety that bubbled in Jai's chest as she considered why Cassian didn't show. If he didn't want to join her for a drink, then so be it - she shouldn't let herself get upset over that, it was far too out of character.

But a small, nagging part of Jai was, at the very least, disappointed - despite how uneventful their conversations could be sometimes, she nonetheless was looking forward to getting some time with Cassian tonight. She always looked forward to even the briefest of minutes she got to see him.

Jai sat at one of the tables dragged out for the party, Abe and Miona across from her, and beside her another doctor named Pek. For what felt like the hundredth time, Miona was encouraging Abe to talk to another rebel that he fancied, and Pek was telling Miona and Jai to stop pestering him about it.

Of all the twi'leks Jai had met through the years, Abe was by far the most peculiar - the twi'leks back on Kafrene always seemed bold, fearless, and without any hesitation, but Abe was constantly getting caught up in his own head, always questioning and calculating everything before coming to any decision. It's what Jai found charming about him; the fact that he shared that quality with her younger brother is what drew her to Abe in the first place.

"Jai," Miona's voice stressed, drawing her friend from her daze - stupidly, Jai had been staring at the turbolift and once more got caught up wondering where Cassian was. Jai quickly collected herself, looking around the table, "Tell Abe he just needs to go talk to Chiri."

Jai could see Pek and Abe both roll their eyes, and the slicer gave a half-assed grin, "Abe, tonight is kind of the perfect night to go for it, what could go wrong?"

"I'm not going to make an idiot of myself trying to flirt with anyone." Abe argued nervously, looking tired to be having this conversation yet again.

Jai shrugged noncommittally, lifting her glass to her lips, "Then stop ogling her every time you see her - she might start to notice you."

Miona laughed good-naturedly, setting her hand on Abe's forearm as reassurance.

"Leave him alone, you guys." Pek rolled her eyes at them, giving Jai a little jab with her elbow, "We've had this conversation a thousand times already."

Jai gave her friend a nudge back, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, "Fine, fine, I promise no more talking about Chiri."

"You don't make promises." Miona scoffed around the rim of her glass.

Jai paused before nodding in agreement, raising her glass, "You got me there."

Jai's eyes drifted back toward the turbolift, and she mentally reprimanded herself for it - she shouldn't let Cassian trouble her. It was a stupid thing to keep focusing on; she was here with her friends, so why let one man's disinterested agreement to make an appearance linger in her thoughts?

A minute later, the turbolift doors opened, and dumbly Jai perked up a little, only to be immediately let down when she saw it wasn't Cassian. She hoped the others didn't notice her.

She sighed a little through her nose, knocking back the rest of the Merenzane in her glass in one swift swig before she started chewing on the inside of her lip, her brows pulled into a slight glare as she started down at her empty glass.

This was stupid. Why did she get herself excited for Cassian in the first place? They were friends, but they weren't that close. And yet, Jai felt a distinct fondness, a feeling of closeness despite knowing they weren't that. It was that draw she felt to him, the one stirred up when she started thinking "what if" again - it was the things in her head overriding what was going on in reality. She just needed to relax and have another drink, and the rebel captain would be forgotten for the remainder of the evening.

And yet… Jai felt some distinct pull to the man this evening, something she couldn't shake. It had to have been that look in his eyes earlier - Cassian looked exhausted despite putting up at least a decent front of impassivity, he looked downcast despite trying to make jokes to keep Jai off his scent. Maybe she should have read his body language better - he was probably so drained from whatever his latest job was, both emotionally and physically, that there was no way he could try to take part in socializing tonight.

'I don't think he's okay.' The thought suddenly struck Jai, though she tried to dismiss it as being her own anxiety just creating extra worry. Cassian was probably as fine as one could be after a rough mission, he just didn't care about this party. But then again, he seemed more off than usual earlier, like he was not entirely there despite trying to pretend he was.

Jai came back to reality again, looking around the table at her friends, wondering if they had noticed just how long she'd been silent. Miona seemed to give her a look of at least recognition that she had zoned out, but it wasn't a knowing expression as if she could figure out what was on Jai's mind. Jai sighed a little, glancing at her glass again before pushing up from the table without entirely thinking about it.

"I need another drink." The group's eyes drew toward her, and Abe lifted his own glass and shook it a little.

"Grab another for me, too?"

Jai nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd be back to the table any time soon; but she didn't want them being suspicious about her disappearance, at least not from the get-go. As her friends returned to their discussion, Jai glanced back towards the turbolift as she started walking away - she knew she had herself convinced that something wasn't right, and now there was no shaking that though. Her legs carried her toward one of the tables full of drinks, but as she glanced down at it, she had no interest in refilling her glass.

Jai sighed - it looked like she was going to search for the rebel captain after all.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian wasn't sure when he had zoned out or how long he had been sitting still as a statue on the edge of his bed, but a knock at his door drew him out of his daze. As he blinked rapidly a few times, the knocking sounded again - how long had someone been at his door? Cassian's eyes drifted toward it, staring weakly - he was too exhausted to deal with anyone right now, and there wasn't anything that could be that important right now.

"Cassian." A voice sounded from the other side, causing his brows to perk and his back to straighten in recognition - Jai. She came looking for him, much to his own surprise.

When he agreed to return to the hangar, he was still on the fence about whether or not he'd even show, about whether or not he wanted to tell Jai what was on his mind. When he returned to his room to clean up after his meeting with Draven, Cassian knew he didn't have the emotional energy to put up with a crowd, even if it were just for a few minutes. He figured Jai would be content with her friends and forget all about asking him to show up, but evidently his assumption was false.

Cassian pushed his elbows off of his bare knees, staring at the door again as he sighed, deciding whether or not he even wanted to get up. Jai's knocking had stopped - did she give up? Despite himself, Cassian felt a certain disappointment, imagining Jai sighing on the opposite side of his door and walking away in defeat - maybe he wanted to talk to her, maybe he wanted some company. No, he wasn't the type that ever wanted someone around, especially not when he felt like shit as he was feeling tonight. Yet, something in him wanted to let Jai in.

Cassian rose to his feet while pushing his damp hair off of his forehead, hurrying to his small closet to dig out a pair of sweatpants, which he stumbled his legs into as he made for the door. As one hand finished pulling them up, the other snatched his discarded jacket from where he'd dropped it onto the floor.

He stuck his head out the door, seeing that Jai had, in fact, begun to retreat down the hall. For a moment, he simply stared at the back of her head, wondering what exactly he wanted - should he let her go, or should he call out to her? Why did he even go to his door to begin with? And why did he feel this craving for company somewhere in his chest, a craving for Jai's company?

"Jai?" His voice was quieter than he expected, and Cassian wondered if the slicer even heard him. But she paused and turned back, a small grin on her face as her eyes fell on the man that was halfway out in the hall. Upon spotting his damn hair and semi-bare chest, Jai looked Cassian up and down while he finished jerking the jacket over his shoulders; she quirked a brow slightly before looking back at his face while approaching.

"I thought you were gonna stand me up." She teased, making a joke out of the very real disappointment that she had been feeling earlier. As she paused in front of him, though, Jai noticed the conflict in Cassian's expression that had been there all night.

"… I thought about it." He admitted while looking into his room, silently leading Jai back inside. Just like before, she looked around the space, noticing this time though that there was a trail of discarded clothes leading towards the refresher. Her eyes turned back up toward Cassian, who stood between his bed and his closet, his head turned in consideration, as if deciding whether to face her or turn away, whether to remain on his feet or sit down. Despite the man giving no real clues, Jai knew there was something off about Cassian tonight, she just couldn't put her finger on why that was.

The two were quiet for a nearly uncomfortable length of time, Cassian's back still turned to her as they both stood dumbly in the middle of the room. So, Jai thought, she had been right to come looking for him, though she felt bad for her immature worry over why he didn't show.

"So, I take it you don't want that drink tonight." Jai finally said in a somewhat serious tone, though the answer was already obvious. She moved to take a seat on the couch, eyes still watching Cassian attentively as he finally turned to face her. He didn't have to say anything, Jai saw in his expression the confirmation she needed - it wasn't a good night. He was no longer putting up the front he had on down in the hangar as the two stared at each other for another long beat, Cassian hoping that he simply looked tired rather than distraught. But the observant shine in Jai's eyes made it clear to Cassian that he had been figured out.

Jai bit the inside of her cheek, wondering what she should say next - she never was one for serious conversations, especially when she knew the topic was something unideal. She especially wasn't prepared to have one with Cassian, and she wondered why the hell the man let her into his room - he wasn't the type who'd want to share an upsetting conversation with just anyone. Should she just go and leave him be?

"What happened?" Jai heard herself ask without thinking, her brow furrowed in worry. Another long silence stretched out between them; Cassian stared into Jai's eyes for a moment, but eventually looked down at his bare feet, hands resting on his hips as he let out a small sigh.

"It's nothing." He said, his tone nearly convincing - it would have convinced someone else to drop the subject, but Jai could see that this wasn't nothing, and she was never one to immediately give up, especially not with Cassian. Jai nodded while looking away, though she didn't accept his answer. Her eyes fell on the trail of clothes again as she considered.

"Look, I'm shit at this, but… do you need to talk about it?" She turned her gaze back toward Cassian, who was motionless as his tired eyes continued to look at her with reservation. Cassian knew he needed to tell her. Sure, Jai would have heard about this eventually, he already knew the information would make its rounds tomorrow - she should just wait till then. But something about it still nagged at him, something that felt as if it were important for him to discuss it with her now before it was too late. He had to be the one to tell her. it wouldn't be right if she heard it from anyone else, but he didn't know how he'd do it.

Finally, he shook his head slowly, his jaw tight as practiced authority briefly lit his eyes, though it only lingered for a moment. Jai in return gave a disheartened nod, pushing herself back up to her feet as her eyes continued to search Cassian's doleful face, her own worry evident in her expression.

As she took one defeated step towards the door, though, Cassian found himself taking a step forward as well, causing Jai to pause and look back at him. For a moment, Cassian sucked in his lips as he studied the woman's expression. There was yet again another long silence between them as they stared into each other's eyes unblinking.

Finally, Cassian took a deep breath, his voice quiet, "It's Gar."

Immediately, Jai's eyes widened with worry, nearly gasping as she inhaled through her nose - once she started to realize how dire Cassian's mood was, she feared that this was something she wouldn't want to hear, and the dread of that suddenly weighed heavily in her stomach.

If Gar was… Jai didn't even want to think the word. If he was, then that would be the first Rebellion casualty that would leave a mark on her heart. Jai knew others had passed in her six months as a rebel technician, but none of them she knew - though Jai tried to be at the very least friendly with each person that crossed her path, she knew only a sliver of the people on Yavin 4.

She wasn't like Cassian - she didn't feel connected to every single person here, she didn't feel weighed down every time another rebel didn't return home, she didn't let those losses linger. So many had been lost and Jai simply accepted it while moving on, knowing it came with the territory and finding it hard to feel anything when she didn't even know the person.

But Gar? A man who had been a boss and a mentor to her, who had been nearly a brotherly figure as of recent? She almost didn't want to hear what Cassian would say next.

Jai didn't even feel her feet move beneath her as she closed the distance between her and Cassian, pausing only a few inches in front of him as her wide eyes stared up into his. Those dark eyes were practically begging him to not utter what she feared, begging him to say he was just pulling her leg. But Cassian's downcast expression didn't change as he stared back at her.

"We got separated," Cassian started, his voice a dismal monotone, "The Empire got to him and Halu before we could."

Jai's next breath came out shaky, her wide eyes dropping to stare at Cassian's chest, afraid to look into his eyes for fear of losing her composure. Her mouth hung open slightly as she tried to process the information, but she could feel herself trembling as the grief started to creep in. Her hands began to wring at her sides, eyes slowly beginning to water. But tears didn't fall as she tried to blink them away - no, even in her worst moments, Jai had always been good about holding them back, about reeling herself in before she became a complete mess. The last time she cried in front of anyone was the day Tillian died. And just like what happened that day, what happened to Gar was completely out of Jai's control, and that silent mantra is what kept her even slightly stable as she stood here now, even if she knew that stability was only temporary.

Jai found herself warily looking up into Cassian's face again, a part of her desperate to reach out to him, but she continued to stand there stiffly, feeling her body ache suddenly as if she'd just run a marathon, exhausted and ready to collapse.

Cassian, though still obviously feeling that deep disappointment, had had at least some time to accept what happened - the ship ride back to Yavin 4 gave him and his team some time to mourn. As a captain, he had to be the grounding strength for everyone else whenever missions went awry, and having to do that through the years helped him develop his own means of coping with distress. But staring down at Jai as she tried to process the information, dealing with the emotions of a loss one-on-one rather than with a team, threatened to turn his exhaustion back into grief.

Silently, Cassian reached out to set a light hand on Jai's wrist, his pinky barely resting in her palm, but his touch caused her to start in surprise and jerk back from him. Her eyes widened a little as she met his stare, taking in another deep, shuttered breath as she tried to calm herself, holding her arm in her other hand as if Cassian's delicate touch had burned her. Slowly, she turned away and dropped down to sit on Cassian's bed as if she couldn't hold herself up any longer, her shoulders sagging and her head hanging lowly to hide her face from Cassian.

Jai never liked to be touched when she was emotional, ever since she was a kid she shied from it - if someone ever tried to offer her comfort, it often opened up the floodgates, and the last thing she wanted was to be blubbering in anyone's arms. Before she could even think about letting someone comfort her or talk to her about what she was feeling, Jai first had to deal with the pain herself, and if that meant running from the comfort of others, then so be it. And despite that part of her that wanted to reach out, that wanted to cling to the person nearest to her, Jai couldn't bring herself to do it - being so raw and vulnerable in front of anyone else terrified her.

Cassian stared at Jai knowingly, studying her pained expression as he felt his own fatigue from the day rising up again. He hesitated to move, even if it was to walk to his couch or to the seat in his kitchen - he didn't want to startle Jai again. So, once more, he stood stock-still, watching and waiting patiently.

A few long minutes passed in thick silence before Jai suddenly stood and darted into Cassian's refresher with barely any time for him to process that she had jumped up. His concerned eyes lingered on the closed door briefly before he finally started moving again, his knees feeling stiff as he walked to his kitchenette for a glass of water. He sighed as he chugged it down, having not realized how dry his mouth was beginning to feel.

He couldn't have anticipated that he'd feel so awful having to tell Jai what happened - Cassian had dealt with loss through the years, and had dealt with telling others about loss more times than he could count. Though it never necessarily got any easier, Cassian had grown accustomed to being the bearer of bad news, to seeing his fellow rebels mourn. And yet, something about this last time hurt more than it should have, something in Jai's eyes stung unexpectedly when she pulled away from him.

Jai had done something to him, though Cassian couldn't quite say what that was. Some time between their last night alone together and this one, Cassian started to feel something unfamiliar for the woman, and that something made it so much harder to see her broken and despairing, retreating from his touch and hiding on the opposite side of the door from him. Cassian was surprised to find that he wished he could be right there by Jai's side and consoling her as she mourned.

Despite himself, Cassian hated that he had to tell Jai, though he also couldn't have allowed anyone else to tell her. It had to be him, that much he knew, but that only made it somehow hurt more when he watched her face crumble.

Cassian refilled his glass and shuffled back towards his bed, taking a long sip of water once he sat down. His eyes drifted back towards the refresher door as he set the cup aside, feeling a pull to rise back to his feet and check on Jai. But he knew better than to try - he had to leave her be. For all he cared, Jai could keep herself locked up in his refresher all damn night, and he still wouldn't disturb her.

Once Cassian had finished his second glass of water, he looked down at the jacket he had quickly thrown on when Jai knocked at his door, slowly pulling it off of himself and dropping it in the pile of dirty clothes he stripped off earlier, wanting to simply lie back, let out a deep sigh, and close his eyes for a while. But as his gaze lingered on the pile that sat just before the refresher door, he tiredly pushed himself to his feet, knowing he shouldn't leave it there for Jai to accidentally trip over on her way out. He quickly hid all his dirty clothes away and retrieved a fresh tank top, hearing the door open behind him just as he had pulled it over his head.

Cassian turned to look at Jai as he pulled the shirt down his torso, noticing immediately that she wasn't looking at his face but rather at his chest, even if for a split second. Though there were bags under her tired eyes, Jai looked a little more refreshed - he could tell she had been crying and that she tried to clean herself up to hide the evidence of it. Her face and hairline were damp from splashing water onto her skin, and her eyes even had a different quality to them now. Through their tiredness, her eyes looked a little brighter and clearer - maybe she was trying to shove away any pain she was feeling. But her energy, too, had shifted, and Cassian felt a little less rigid than before - he was reminded that this wasn't the first loss Jai had dealt with, and it looked as if she had found a way of coping with the pain life threw at her.

The two stared at one another once more, studying the other's expression thoughtfully. Jai gave Cassian a weak, cagey smile, one that made the sadness in her eyes a touch more obvious - he suspected the look was to reassure herself rather than him. She let out a slight sigh and finally stepped back into the room, slowly approaching Cassian, once more coming to a pause only about a foot in front of him. She looked down while licking her dry lips, her eyes darting back and forth as if she were searching for the words that clearly wanted to leave her mouth.

Her eyes finally met his again through her lashes, "… Thanks for telling me." Her voice was quiet, and Cassian's brows rose a little at the words, "I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone else."

Cassian felt an unexpected stutter in his chest before he spoke slowly, his tone as quiet as hers, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell you."

Jai gave a slight nod in understanding as she looked down again, her eyes falling onto one of Cassian's hands as his thumb slid across the pads of his fingers edgily. She reached out and grabbed his hand firmly, drawing Cassian's surprised eyes down to their point of contact as well. Neither of them moved for a few long moments until finally Cassian gave Jai's fingers a reassuring squeeze. A faint sad smile ghosted across her lips again as she looked back up at his face, studying his features fondly, and despite how emotional they both were, Cassian nonetheless felt a warmth stir in his chest thanks to the look Jai was giving him.

"Draven wants me to tell your department tomorrow." Cassian started as his eyes returned to linger on their joined hands, "Chase is going to take over as supervisor."

Jai nodded, pushing down the lump that dared to rise in her throat again, "Chase'll be great, Gar trained her well."

Cassian turned his warm eyes back up to Jai's face, surveying her expression carefully as he thought, "Do you want to take tomorrow off?"

"No," she gave him a quick, reassuring smile and a shake of her head, and Cassian wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if Jai did move a touch closer, "I'll be better if I keep busy. I don't need you treating me any different than the rest of the hangar techs."

Her words weren't accusatory but thankful and appreciative that Cassian even asked her the question - if Jai needed evidence that Cassian had any interest in her, that was it. Cassian showing that kind of care to her eliminated any doubt Jai had regarding their friendship.

Jai squeezed Cassian's hand before slowly pulling away, her fingers gliding across his almost as if she didn't want to let go. Cassian's fingers clenched slightly, finding that he suddenly missed her touch. Jai took a single step back, sighing as she looked around the room while in thought.

"I should go." Her tone nearly contradicted her words, as if she disdained to even say them. But she was drained from the news about Gar, and she was certain that Cassian was as well - they both could use some good rest. She took another couple of steps before turning on her heel, and once more Cassian found himself taking a step forward.

"You could stay." Jai's eyes turned back to meet his, a questioning look in them. Cassian's expression was softer than she'd ever seen it, "Maybe we could both use the company."

A contented smile spread across Jai's lips, a warmth rising in her chest that helped to ease some of the pain that had been weighing on her just minutes prior.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian awoke to the sound of blankets ruffling and Jai breathing unevenly. He wasn’t sure what time it was or what time the two had finally fallen asleep, but without checking the clock he was almost certain it was very early morning. Cassian had been a light sleeper almost his entire life, so although Jai’s movements probably would not have disturbed most people, she was just loud enough for his ears to prick up and notice.

Though the room was nearly pitch black, when he turned his head Cassian could tell Jai was still on the couch where he had left her, having not heard her rise from it. He insisted, once he started to see how tired Jai was, that she take his bed, but she just as adamantly argued that his cramped little couch would be fine, seeing as she was shorter so it would be less uncomfortable for her. Though Cassian tried to argue, he knew Jai wouldn’t budge, so at the very least he gave her his good blanket, hoping it would be some comfort to her.

For a minute, he simply lied still listening -- after Jai’s initial movement, which must have been her sitting up and rearranging, she hardly made a sound. If it weren’t for her uneven breathing, Cassian would have suspected that she had fallen back asleep; but those uneven breaths were shaky, as if the loss of Gar was coming right back up and threatening to wear so deeply at her mind that she couldn’t sleep again.

Cassian debated whether or not to say something, whether or not he should sit up and ask if she wanted to talk, wanted some kind of comfort. Maybe she had a nightmare that roused her, and maybe she’d simply want to be left alone; but maybe this time she’d want to talk to him.

As he heard Jai shift around again, as if fighting to find a comfortable position but to no avail, Cassian finally spoke up, his voice thick with sleep, “Jai.”

He heard the slightest of surprised noises escape her, and if he were looking Cassian was sure the startled look on Jai’s face might be mildly comical.

“I’m sorry,” Jai whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Cassian propped himself onto his elbows to look in her direction, though because of the darkness he still could only just make out Jai’s silhouette, “I’m a light sleeper. You alright?”

“Fine…” Her tone wasn’t entirely convincing, but at least she didn’t sound as sad as Cassian feared she would -- she just sounded tired, “Just woke up suddenly. Must’ve been something in my dream, I guess.”

Cassian could see the way Jai slumped down a little, again making a feeble attempt at getting comfortable, “Or maybe your body’s protesting against the couch.”

Jai let out a huffed laugh, rolling her eyes, “My back does suddenly feel like it’s aged a couple of decades.”

Cassian sat upright, and he could feel Jai’s eyes trying to make out his silhouette in the darkness as well. As he grinned at Jai’s response, he stared in her general direction for a couple of moments, “Let’s trade.”

“You think your back will manage any better on this thing?” Her voice sounded humored by the suggestion, “Stay put, Andor.”

Cassian nearly laughed as he started to push himself out of the bed, retrieving his glass from the bedside table while shuffling towards the kitchen, which supplied the one small bit of light into the room from an emergency light that sat on the wall above the bar between the kitchen and the rest of the living space.

“I don’t think I’ll be falling asleep again too soon.” He said while refilling his cup. Turning back to the room, he could make Jai out a little better now that he was closer, and he held the glass in her direction, “Thirsty?”

Without answering, Jai lifted herself off the couch and padded over towards Cassian, circling the bar to retrieve the glass from his outstretched hand while leaning her hip against the counter. Cassian mirrored her position, though he rested some of his weight on his palm atop the bar as well as he stared into her face. Cassian could now make out her features just a little thanks to the faint light and their proximity to one another -- the outlines of her nose and lips, the slight glint of the light reflecting in her eyes. He looked down at her throat as he heard her swallow back nearly the entire glass of water.

Jai felt Cassian watching her far too closely, and yet she didn’t feel as uncomfortable under his gaze as she normally would have. As she set the cup carefully on the counter, she, too, stared up at him, trying to make out as much of his face as possible in the minimal lighting. Silence lingered between them as they stood there, neither having anything to say.

Though he could see her arm move from where it was crossed with the other, Cassian still jumped just slightly when he felt Jai’s hand slide over his, her thumb faintly rubbing circles on the outside of his wrist. He glanced down at their connected hands before finding the glint of her eyes again.

“Thank you, again, Cass.” Just like the first time, the gentle delivery of the unexpected nickname caused a shiver to work it’s way up Cassian’s spine. He hoped Jai didn’t notice.

“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He answered in a similarly quiet tone, tilting his head down slightly; he couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to Gar. The expert technician rarely went into the field anymore, but Cassian allowed him to go on this mission because the man showed interest. If Cassian had just told him no, Gar would still be here. Jai had no reason to thank him a second time, let alone the first time from earlier in the evening.

All of Cassian’s attention briefly focused on where Jai’s thumb still brushed delicately against his skin -- how was it possible that the touch simultaneously calmed him and made his heart beat just a little louder in his ears?

Jai shrugged, attempting to speak jocularly, “You didn’t give me shit about crying in your ‘fresher and you let me stay here -- that’s worth some thanks.”

Cassian couldn’t help the small step forward he took, moving in even closer to Jai than he already was -- something about the dismissiveness of her earlier upset bothered him, “Your feelings are not a joke, Jai.”

The seriousness of his tone took Jai by surprise, causing her to look up at him curiously, though Cassian couldn’t quite make out the expression in the darkness. He could tell her eyes were burning into him, and he stared right back with just as much weight. He found his mind focusing back on her hand atop his -- Jai’s thumb had already stopped moving, but it felt as if her grip tightened just slightly. In that same moment, Cassian became acutely aware of how close he had moved to her, how he felt an almost static energy bouncing between them. Without her saying so, Cassian knew Jai felt it as well.

Jai lightly exhaled through her nose, her next words taking Cassian by surprise, “If someone asked me six months ago if I’d ever care about you, Cassian, I would have laughed in their face.”

Jai could see the faint light bounce off of Cassian’s teeth as he smiled unexpectedly at the remark, causing a grin to pull across her own lips. Cassian considered her for just a moment with fondness, “If someone had asked me, I would have done the same thing.”

The admissions caused them both to laugh smally, but it also felt like another spark of static surged between them. They stared at each other for another brief beat before Jai dropped her gaze to the darkness between them, feeling her heart beating far too heavily against her chest. Little did she know that Cassian’s heart was pounding just as quickly.

Did he understand the full weight of the meaning in her confession? Did she? Jai was surprised by her own admission, by the way her heart drummed in her ears, by this sudden need to lean into the man before her. The pull she felt towards Cassian seemed so much more palpable then it had been before, as if she could no longer keep it at bay; Jai knew she was doomed to succumb to that unfamiliar fluttery sensation in her stomach.

She called on her courage that felt as if it were trying to evade her, her voice coming out quieter and even hesitant as she looked up through her lashes, though thanks to the dark Cassian didn’t notice, “… I probably care about you more than I should.”

A weight felt as if it dropped in Cassian’s stomach, the confession seeming to echo between his ears as his heart drummed off-rhythm against his rib cage. His eyes widened in surprise and he stared intensely and unblinkingly at Jai, feeling his free hand twitch with some unfamiliar need to reach towards her, as if he still had to search for something to clarify what her words meant.

He realized then exactly what it was that had been building up inside of him, what these nerves were that only seemed to pop up when Jai was around. Cassian had had an understanding of what he was beginning to feel towards Jai, but in the past he was able to suppress it and shove it aside, to pretend it was unimportant, that it would pass. With the woman in question standing here mere inches before him, owning up to her own feelings, his weren’t quite as easy to ignore.

Cassian dipped his head, hoping it would draw Jai to look back up towards him as he leaned a little closer in search of her gaze. He understood exactly what Jai had meant, and yet he wanted to ask her, to hear the explanation exactly as she meant it to be understood. He wanted to hear it straight from her lips.

Jai continued to stare up at Cassian through her lashes, her stomach knotting when he moved in closer to her. If either of them moved any further, she would be leaning into him, her forehead pressed to his cheek, losing all traces of distance between their bodies. Despite trying to keep herself together, Jai’s breath came out in a waver that she tried to control, and she knew there was no way Cassian could have missed it.

In a brief moment of confidence, Jai slid her hand from it’s spot atop Cassian’s, fingertips slowly gliding over his forearm and securing a grip on his bicep. In the same second that she gave his upper arm a slight squeeze, as if to assure herself that he was really right there in front of her and that this conversation was really happening, Cassian’s hand steadily reached up and found a secure hold at the nape of her neck, his fingers twisting delicately in her dark locks and pulling her head back. For a beat, they breathed in unison, a shared look of yearning in their eyes as Cassian briefly pressed his forehead to Jai’s, giving them both one last moment to consider what was about to happen.

And then their lips met frantically, noses bumping and teeth nearly clashing together, neither certain who moved first as their need for one another took charge. Cassian’s lips were rough against her own, but the sharp taste of him drew a sigh from Jai’s throat, her free hand moving to grip the front of his t-shirt, pulling herself even closer as if he was her oxygen supply. Cassian’s tongue licked across her lower lip in a frenzied response, the heat of her body seeming to engulf him as she drew him nearer, her other hand jumping up to securely rest against his cheek.

Cassian’s arm wrapped around Jai’s narrow waist desperately, his palm pressing her flush against him while the fingers in her hair tightening their grip, twisting a little. An eager sound rumbled in his chest as he slipped his tongue between her lips, tangling with her own heatedly, feeling Jai grab at him with urgency, the scratch of her nails along his torso stirring a second moan from his throat.

As their kiss grew deeper, each feeling drunk off of the other, Cassian pressed forward until he had Jai’s back pinned against the bar, his hands snaking down her body with groping fingers that needed to feel every inch of her, his lips not straying from hers for even a second. When he found a secure grip on her ass, Cassian swiftly lifted Jai up onto the counter, causing a slight moan to escape her as he pressed himself against the warmth between her legs.

Jai’s fingers threaded messily into Cassian’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp as he finally pulled his mouth from hers, Jai gasping for air as he hardly paused for breath before starting to leave open-mouthed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth scraping hungrily against warm skin. He bit down lightly on the side of Jai’s neck, causing her to gasp and arch her back, the press of her breasts against his chest encouraging Cassian to nibble at her skin again before sucking it between his lips to leave a faint bruise. Jai let out another clipped moan as Cassian’s wandering hands squeezed her ass and pressed her forward against him as he gave a firm roll of his hips. His own shuddered groan muffled against Jai’s collarbone, his breath fiery hot on her skin.

Cassian worked his way back up to Jai’s mouth, nipping at her skin before finally crashing onto Jai’s waiting lips again. One of his hands trailed up her side, giving extra care to press firmly against her breast before continuing up to settle against her cheek, desperate to somehow pull her closer than she already was. Cassian pressed forward hungrily as Jai slipped her slick tongue back into his mouth with a smile pulling at her lips, leaning back under him until she finally let her weight fall onto her elbow. Cassian braced himself on his forearm as he continued to urge Jai down onto her back, the two moaning in unison as he gave another slow roll of his hips against her. As Jai lay flat on the counter, Cassian’s hand pulled away from her cheek, the delicate trailing of his fingers causing a shiver to travel up Jai’s spine as his hand found its way to her own. Jai desperately deepened the kiss as they laced their fingers together, slowly moving their joined hands above Jai’s head.

Their hands bumped into something that they didn’t spare a second thought for until it suddenly crashed down onto the floor, causing Jai to jolt up with a gasp, bumping into Cassian’s forehead before he could pull back from her.

“Shit.” He hissed in surprise, the hand that had been laced with Jai’s now pressed to his forehead. He continued to linger over Jai, the both of them trying to collect themselves and catch their breath, the air red hot between them. They met eyes, their breath mingling, and gently Cassian lowered his forehead to rest against Jai’s delicately, his hand finding a new resting place at the base of her neck.

Despite herself, a pure laugh sprang out of Jai, her amused smile wide as she closed her eyes, nearly embarrassed, “We broke your glass.”

A beaming smile crossed Cassian’s lips as well as he laughed, his nose brushing against Jai’s as he answered breathily, his accent thicker, “Doesn’t matter.”

He leaned forward to brush his lips against Jai’s briefly, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes again, his chest still heaving against hers. Slowly, he pushed himself up, his hands finding a resting place atop Jai’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the fabric of the sweatpants he let her borrow. For a moment longer, Jai stayed on her back, her hands sliding their way up Cassian’s forearms, fingertips pressing firmly into his skin as an eased smile tugged at her lips.

“Come here.” Cassian’s gentle yet commanding tone caused Jai’s middle to tighten with need, just the timbre of his voice alone causing her to let out a yearning sigh. Her hands secured around Cassian’s biceps again and used him as leverage to pull herself up, bringing her nose within centimeters of his as she sat up.

Cassian sighed contentedly, his breath brushing against Jai’s skin as he thought for a few long moments; he couldn’t find the words for any of his thoughts, so instead he pressed his lips tenderly to hers, one of his hands rising to cup her cheek affectionately. Once more, they pressed their foreheads together, mindlessly grazing their fingers along one another’s skin as they tried to collect themselves.

The longer Jai sat here and considered her current position, the more unexpected yet warming it became -- here she was, wrapped around Cassian Andor and feeling so completely at peace enveloped in his touch. She had considered in the past what this would be like, to be close to him and out of breath, to feel his lips against hers, to feel a heat twisting in her abdomen, but those daydreams were nothing like the reality. She had thought they would always remain daydreams, thoughts that passed her by not to be taken too seriously. Getting close to Cassian like this didn’t seem possible, and yet somehow here she was, high on his touch, drunk on his passionate eyes. Cassian, the man who didn’t like to get too close to anyone, whose best friend was a droid, who six months ago had vowed to distrust her… and he was standing here between her legs, his hold on her possessive and in want of more.

She wouldn’t say lucky was the right word, but Jai certainly felt satisfied as she and Cassian remained wrapped around one another.

Cassian finally took a step back from her, his fingers gliding along the top of Jai’s thighs and making her shiver. Her eyes had to readjust to the lack of lighting in the room, but she was sure she could see Cassian grinning fondly at her response to his touch.

His hands found hers as he took another step back, whispering, “Come on,” as he helped Jai hop down from the counter, the broken glass that had fallen to the floor somewhere completely forgotten -- he didn’t care enough to deal with it right now, he’d come back to it in the morning.

Cassian’s fingers lazily tangled with one of Jai’s hands, his eyes straining to find the glass shards on the floor so that neither of them stepped on something sharp. He carefully led Jai out of the kitchen, pausing in his cramped living space with the bed just a step behind him to look back at Jai with a tired smirk. Despite how close they were earlier, she felt her cheeks heat up, feeling the power of his gaze though she could no longer see it in the near-darkness. Cassian lightly tugged on Jai’s hand until she stepped closer, and she could feel Cassian’s free hand just hovering over her face until finally he set it on the base of her neck.

Cassian’s past fears and concerns about Jai crossed his mind as he held her in a comfortable and intimate silence -- he recalled their evening of drinking, when she first managed to send some kind of electric spark through him, when she first made him question the feelings going on inside of him. He had been so afraid to consider them and acknowledge them, because he knew what they meant -- he wanted to get close to someone, get close to her, despite all of his precautions through the years to avoid ever wanting that.

He realized that night two months ago that Jai would be trouble for him, but a completely different kind of trouble than what he had originally projected when they met. She was persistent with him, familiar with him, always making efforts with him -- no one had ever shown that exact combination of traits to him before. Jai had been throwing him for a loop for months now, and somehow she managed to wiggle her way into his heart, somehow slipping past all the emotional safeguards he built up through the years.

Cassian used to be afraid of this feeling. In many ways he still was. And yet, once his lips were on Jai’s, that fear dissolved away, at least temporarily. He wanted -- needed -- to be close to her, yet something in him continued to fear what would happen if he got too close. It was a habit that held him back, the habit of keeping people at arm’s length. But Jai… as much as it scared him, Jai made him want to break the habit and start a new one.

If anyone asked Cassian prior to this evening if he found himself attracted to Jai Tillian, he would have fervently denied it to the point of suspicion.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Care [kair]

noun

a cause or object of concern; serious attention

provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person

verb

to be concerned; have thought or regard; to have a special preference

to wish; desire; like

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