#well it’s what it does to ME but the person who can grant that closure is ignoring my respectfully spaced emails so I’ll just blarb here

[explode-this]

How is it possible to gain some kind of confidence in myself and be loving myself and yet still be convinced most people think I’m a barely tolerable idiot? My self-talk is mostly kind, like to a friend you know has low self-esteem, and I’m just about there with knowing it’s okay to be different and weird on account of the AuDHD, but I still want to hide myself out of embarrassment for being the dweeb who can’t read a room, understand friendships, or talk to people without five paragraphs of backstory by which time everyone has lost interest and moved onto cooler things

…yes I am having some kind of miniature breakdown in real time, please carry on with your dash or enjoy this video:

(Trying Japan’s Longest Ferry | 40 hours | $185 Cabin | Nagoya to Hokkaido via Sendai)

[chibimui]

The Apothecary Diaries LN2 Thoughts - Epilogue + Final Thoughts

Volume 2: Prologue-ch5 - ch6-7 - ch8-9 - ch10-12 - ch13-15 - ch16-17 - ch18-19 - ch20

And we've reached the end of The Apothecary Diaries Light Novel Volume 2!!!

It's kind of wild to think the first volume I flew through in 3 posts and this one I kept having to break up constantly because I had so many things to say about so many different chapters.

But we still have the epilogue to go through and then my final overall thoughts on the novel!

I don't have too much to say about the epilogue - it's a good epilogue! It wraps up everything that occurred in the novel well, provides a nice sense of closure, a cute JinMao moment and the hints of more to come.

Maomao wishing that Lakan had actually bought out Meimei is something that always caught my attention. After thinking about it, it's not that I think this action is strange - if anything I appreciate how consistent it fits with Maomao's character even if it's not the "nice" thing to do.

I can easily see another author trying to tie up Maomao's feelings for her mother with a nice bow, saying "oh, but at the end of the day she did really care", but... I like that we actually don't get that here. Maomao's feelings towards her mother are pretty consistent - she has none. She has no pleasant memories, no attachment, and no real want for anything towards her. What Maomao cares about are the people who are actually involved in her life.

That won't stop her from dancing though, because at her core Maomao is a kind person. She will still grant this woman a dance because it is still something to celebrate, even if it's not the celebration she personally wanted.

Okay. Got that over with. Let's jump to the JinMao stuff. As usual, these two are an entire comedy routine and this is just gonna be me screaming at things :)

Maomao freezing when Jinshi picks her up is so funny to me. Girl was stunned. I like to think she was kind of impressed. A "doki doki" moment if you will. Even when Jinshi readjusts her she still doesn't struggle. She just tells Jinshi he could put her down, but never actually attempts to leave his arms herself. Clearly she isn't horrified at being carried by him.

Just... all of this? The banter? Jinshi headbutting her like a CHILD. WHO HEADBUTTS PEOPLE JINSHI WHAT THE HELL?

And Jinshi being amused at Maomao's sulking, while Maomao reflects that she gets along with him better when he's kind of childish like this as HE IS STILL CARRYING HER.

And the novel ending with this paragraph - I wish the anime had shown this briefly because it is hilarious.

Jinshi being inundated with get well flowers because he's gone nuts trying to find medical ingredients for Maomao and people think he's sick. What an absolute clown. What a joke. What a silly guy. Just... oh my god Jinshi, he's such a loser.

AND HERE WE HAVE IT! The official end of LN2.

When I think back to LN1, I really consider it a "prologue" novel. It's the novel that introduced us to the characters, the setting, and primed readers to expect Maomao to solve mysteries with a certain sparkly eunuch aiding her along the way.

LN2 feels like the "true start" to the story though. It's when we are no longer just being introduced to characters, but we actively get to learn more about our two main characters - Maomao and Jinshi, AND we start to see overarching plots coming into play.

Many of the the new players that are introduced, Lakan and Fengxian are either for the benefit of learning more about Maomao, OR, in regards to Loulan, Suirei or Shishou are there to set up major plots that we have yet to see into fruition. Anything that is not resolved or does not get a call back in this novel ends up getting a call back in a later novel.

I'm not going to say whether I enjoyed LN1 or LN2 more because overall I enjoyed both, and I think they served very different functions so it's actually a bit unfair to compare the two. LN1 felt way more episodic because it was an introduction, where as LN2 had the breathing room to have more of a consistent plot.

As to where LN2 stands in the greater scheme of all 15 novels? It's okay. Again, LN2 feels very much like the start to a greater story. While I liked learning more about Maomao and her origins, Lakan and Fengxian's story, at the end of the day, isn't really that interesting to me. Tragic, sure, but eh. Lakan becoming a comedy relief character also makes what we learn about him in this novel not as compelling since nothing much is done with it afterwards.

The highlights to me for LN2 were definitely more in regards to seeing how Maomao's comfort with Jinshi grows throughout, how we get more and more hints to his true identity as well as the hint that a certain amount of political tension is present in the royal court. All of these things we get to dive into even more with LN3.

I'm actually going to try reading LN3 in Japanese, but I will still share screencaps of the English translation so posts might come out slower. If this ends up being too annoying to jump back and forth, I might just stop with the screencaps, so we'll see.

Until next time!

[dipplinduo]

Now, I’m hoping that the ending of S&S Dipplins is happy but I sort of want it to be ominous as well. Since, I’d like to imagine that Pecharunt ends up escaping and goes into hiding after all of this. No one knows it even existed. So, I’d like to imagine that the fic ends off something like this:

…and so, they live happily ever after (this is corny but you get the idea)

Well done.

Very, well done

I must say, I am impressed

Very, very impressed indeed

Tell me, why do you still persist? Why do you still fight?

…

…

…

Well, no matter, all good things must come to an end.

You, broke our little deal remember?

And I can’t let that slide.

…

…

…

hehhehheh…and even if you were to be freed…

Thinking your path is clear, freed from my grasp and end up living a happy life and redeeming yourself…

But no.

…

…

…

Tell me, do you know what happens to people who break my deal? What do they have all in common?

…

…

…

Their souls are all forfeit to me.

They all

are absorbed

INTO ME.

YoU canNOT UnDO WhAT yOu HaVE DoNE In the PAst

YoUr fatE WaS AlREaDy SEALed ThE mOMENt YOu lAId YoUr EYEs oN mE YeARS AgO.

NO MATTer HOw MANy TIMes YOu TRy to DENY It, YOu CAN’t RUn, YOu CAN’T HIDe, YOU CAN’T DENY IT.

SOON, YOUR SOUL WILL BE COLLECTED AND ABSORBED INTO ME, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY IF YOU DON’T UPHOLD THE DEAL…

SOMEONE ELSE WILL PAY, AND I WILL MAKE SURE YOU PAY IT. SO, I WILL COME BACK, AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES,

YOU

SHOULD’VE

PAID

THE DEAL.

…

…

..

BUT FOR NOW, ENJOY YOUR LIFE…WHILE YOU CAN

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…Kieran

hahahahahahaha…

Soon…very soon😈…

(So basically, Pecharunt grants the desire but only makes it so it has a success rate of 48% if the person failed, Kieran in this case, Pecharunt makes a deal, and if they succeed, Pecahurnt does help. If they don’t after a certain time period (which is always the case), Pecharunt kills and absorbs their souls. Basically, the deal is that the human needs to find what Oecahrjbt calls ‘The Treasure of Betrayal’, but no one knows what it is obviously)

(Also, this is a good excuse to make Pecharunt intimidating instead of being a joke)

I will be taking a different direction that gives full closure & a complete happy ending, but this is DEF ominous and threatening and you wrote it in a hauntingly beautiful way!!

[psychicpinenut]

thinking mentalist thoughts and this is gonna be a bit rambly but hear me out. the choice to have jane essentially forced to confront his feelings about lisbon is so good. without pike jane probably would've still gone on for years just being content with being friends and partners. and it makes sense for him as a character. we all know of the big trauma right? wife and child killed, even though he's killed red john, that didn't bring them back. not even sure it brought him the kind of closure he was expecting. throughout the seasons he's had like 3 women in his life who he was intimate with. erica, who was almost like the female version of himself and used her sexuality to her advantage so he couldn't help but be mesmerized by her like every other man around her (well what can i say). i think of that as purely a kind of sexual attraction, didn't really mean anything. then there was lorelai who he did actually sleep with but only to get closer to red john. there was nothing there. and kristina who he actually felt a deeper connection with. we see him having an actual good time on their date and he has to excuse himself to the bathroom to compose himself because of the crushing guilt he feels about having a good time with another woman. he feels like he's abandoning angela, he's moving on but in his mind he's not allowed to move on. he can only rest once red john is dead and his family has been avenged. and then of course red john steals her away too.

it might sound harsh but jane does kind of take lisbon for granted in the sense that he assumes she'll always be there next to him. no need to ruin what they have when this is working perfectly. besides, even though red john is dead, there's still that guilt lingering. is he allowed to move on? just because he's killed red john, does that mean he can love another person? he's still a mess, doesn't have any prospects or a plan for the future. he cannot give these things to lisbon, so he's okay with just being close to her, besides, she's far too busy to date anyone, what could go wrong? then she meets pike, they start dating and suddenly that solid ground under his feet starts to crumble. what if she's not always going to be there for him? what if she moves on with someone else? ultimately, he has to get over his own guilt and reserves and allow himself to be happy. he needed that push.

[isfjmel-phleg]

Grant Emerson holds back a lot--until he can't anymore, and the results are dramatic. This goes for not only his powers, which build up and must be expended or else cause an explosion, but also his emotions, which affect his powers.

His outbursts, whenever they do happen, are most typically angry, fueled by his frustration with life and often resulting in destruction. Anger comes easily to him, but it takes a lot for him to break down and cry. It's a last resort, a sign of utter brokenness, something shameful that must be hidden or apologized for.

Or is it? Could it also be something that helps him?

After living through the worst forty-eight hours of his life--nonstop stress and trauma without rest or food--an overwhelmed Grant lashes out in anger, which unleashes his powers and causes him to accidentally explode a large chunk of downtown Atlanta. The sight of the destruction he has created is what finally causes him to break down. The tears are gone by the time the authorities show up to arrest him, but in this solitary moment he succumbs to the sorrow and guilt as he stands amid the wreckage.

(Damage #0)

Grant's misadventures don't give him much time to slow down and process what he's been through. When Mandra, a classmate whom he had feelings for, is killed before he can prevent it, his immediate response is more shock and guilt than sadness. That emotion sinks in when his Titans teammate Kyle Rayner makes a point of bringing Grant to Mandra's funeral to give him some closure. Mandra's father does not react well to seeing Grant, who legally isn't supposed to be in Georgia, where the funeral is taking place, and Kyle has to hurry Grant away.

Grant wants to return to explain himself to Mandra's father and tries to fight Kyle when he won't let him. There's rain dripping off Grant's face in this scene, but an extreme closeup panel confirms that the rain is mingled with tears. All the emotion that he had no time to process earlier is coming to the surface.

Kyle brings him back to the gravesite after the funeral is over to pay his respects in private and has a talk with him. This is a situation that Kyle can relate to; his girlfriend was murdered (infamously!). So he gives Grant the opportunity to talk about what he's dealing with. Having a supportive friend with him seems to help Grant allow himself to openly weep for Mandra and acknowledge the grief.

(Damage #13)

Shortly afterward, with the grief from Mandra's death still fresh, Grant weeps in private in a hospital waiting room after he has accidentally hurt his Titans teammate Rose Wilson. This episode triggers a lot of feelings of guilt that have been piling up, and for him, the possibility of having killed Rose is like what happened with Mandra all over again.

Fortunately Rose comes out of it all right, and a much-relieved Grant gets to apologize to her. But while this hurt lasts, he goes through it alone. He doesn't try to address his guilt to anyone, and when Roy chooses to punish him for hurting Rose, Grant lashes out in particularly intense anger and leaves (this version of) the Titans for good.

(Deathstroke 1991 #51)

...that is, until the original Titans re-form the group and Roy nominates Grant for membership because he regrets how he treated him before and wants to make up for it. At this point, Grant is on the run from the law (leaving the Titans the first time violated the terms of his sentence for destroying Atlanta), and the first glimpse we get of him in this series shows both the extent of his powers when angered and just how alone and overwhelmed he is. He's afraid of hurting someone again, to the point that he is begging through tears for them to "take me down."

And it's at this moment of vulnerability that Garth arrives with an invitation from the Titans, and with allies on his side (Garth in person, and Roy from afar managing to erase Grant's criminal record), Grant avoids exploding, avoids arrest, and now has somewhere to go.

This is an apt introduction for this series' arc for Grant--vulnerability with others is met with opportunities for the support he needs.

(Titans Secret Files and Origins #1)

After testifying at his uncle's trial, Grant returns obviously upset and trying to isolate himself. His initial response when Roy questions him about it is to claim that it's nothing. He's used to handling emotions alone and bottling everything up. But Roy, concerned about him, insists on bringing him along on a camping trip, and that's where Grant confesses that his foster father physically abused him. By the time he adds an implication of sexual abuse also, he is in tears and trying to hide it from Roy. The strong emotion sets off his powers, and he goes into a panic, certain he's going to explode. Roy assures him it's okay to release the buildup.

Instead of an anger-fueled explosion, Grant's energy fizzles out as he breaks down sobbing. The release he needs is emotional rather than physical, and the contrast of how his powers react with sorrow as opposed to anger is striking.

(Titans 1999 #17)

Grant's allowing himself to weep is significant enough to the story that that's how he's pictured on the cover of the following issue. Not a typical image for a hero.

As the tears slow, all Grant can do is apologize over and over to Roy and Lian (he's apologizing. to a preschooler. for crying.) and berate himself for this display of emotion. "So stupid...no excuse...I'm such an idiot..." I would guess that's probably how he was spoken to as a child if he cried, and he came to internalize that response to displaying vulnerability. But Roy and Lian see nothing shameful in this; all they can see is a hurt boy who needs their sympathy and support.

Tears are likened to a song, "sometimes like a gift, or a magical prayer." Grant's function as both of these things: a plea for help that gives him the opportunity to receive the support he needs. It's a means for him to express the hurt he's been carrying around his whole life.

The weeping returns as he moves to a stage of anger at the unjustness of how he was treated and his powers build up again.

But Roy lets him express what he wishes he could have told his foster father and the energy releases safely. When that's over, Grant is left with tears of catharsis. It's good for him. He needs this.

...and then we don't see much of him for a very long time. When he is finally reintroduced as a new member of the JSA, he is first seen fighting a villain who taunts him for crying when his face was destroyed.

(The panels of this attack from Infinite Crisis #1 are ambiguous as to whether or not this was the case, but...who wouldn't cry while being horrifically beaten? That's a normal human reaction to extreme pain.)

Unfortunately, Grant as a young adult has been through events that have left him cynical and angrier than ever. For whatever reason, he has no support system anymore. He can't afford to be vulnerable, and to be accused of such a thing enrages him.

He proceeds to beat the guy up and throw the taunt back at him.

This incident serves as an illustration of where he currently is emotionally, in probably the worst state he's been in yet.

(Justice Society of America 2007 #1)

But when a confrontation with the villain who destroyed his face goes wrong and Grant is about to be fatally attacked, we see again the boy who once begged to be taken down. He is tearfully resigned to his own impending death.

And that's where his teammate (and genetic sister) Jesse Chambers finds a way to reactivate her previously nonfunctioning superspeed and steps in to save his life. Vulnerability is not a liability! It's a means of survival, a call for vital help!

(Justice Society of America 2007 #8)

The last time we see him cry is after a villain who restored his face takes back this gift. With no mask, Grant uses his hands to try to hide the scars and burns--and tears. It's a painful loss to have to go through a second time.

This is where his teammate Sonia Sato, whom he's recently been expressing interest in, approaches him, takes a long, unflinching look at his disfigured face, and kisses the man who went out of his way to stick up for her when no one else would.

(Justice Society of America 2007 #22)

Once again, vulnerability opens the door to build support.

[willothewispwisteriadawn]

Thanks for plugging your Until Dawn poll, I looove polls! Some of your Qs got me thinking though and I'm curious about your thoughts:

About the group's relationships with their parents: Ranked from best to worst, how do you personally feel each member gets along with their parents? One reason I ask is because I've always wondered how that conversation went down between each character and their parent(s) about Josh inviting them back up to the same lodge with the same group where tragedy struck (from their own poor choices) only one year ago? Granted, the group are all legally adults by this point and can make their own decisions, but I believe that doesn't mean their parents were all clueless/uncaring about the matter or had no input about it.

So essentially what I'd love to pick your brain about is this: of the 8 playable characters, which of the 8 do you believe 1) confided to their parents about the invitation (or possibly concealed it), and 2) who valued their parents' advice and who did not?

SORRY THIS HAS BEEN IN MY DRAFTS FOR WEEKS

Here’s what think for each :)

Ashley: I think she loves her parents and often gets along with them, but they also get into fights where everyone is just like glaring and sighing at each other for days until it fizzles out. Ash can hold a grudge. She explained where she was going, and her parents weren’t pleased about it. It took her a bit to convince them.

Chris: IDK why but I think he has a good relationship with his mom. Not a bad one with his dad, but a closer one with his mom. They’re protective of him and won’t let him do certain things, but they aren’t helicopter parents either. I think his mom talked him through returning to the lodge and brought up lots of concerns, but Chris framed returning as wanting to be there for Josh, and she felt guilty. She told him to be careful at night and everything.

Emily: She’s snarky with her parents but she also takes care of herself and her grades and is efficient around the house, so there are some spats but also an equilibrium. Additionally, she keeps to her room when she’s in a bad mood. She probably vented about this (especially how Mike and Jess would be there) to her parents. They suggested she don’t go, but didn’t worry too much when she decided to.

Jess: She’s very teenagery with her parents and they can bicker and tease each other. She’s very “ugh!” towards them sometimes and they still cut off stuff like financial help and phone payments when she’s being bratty (I’m thinking about when she loses her phone and is worried her parents are going to be mad). She either begged until they let her or straight up lied about where she was going.

Matt: I honestly have such a hard time sensing background info about Matt. But I think his parents raised him to be polite. They were probably mad at him after the first trip (“You were involved in what happened to that girl? Matthew, we taught you better!!!”). He may have just lied and said he was traveling for football (and gotten his teammates in on it!). If he didn’t lie, his parents had a firm talk with him about it.

Josh: Strained relationship with his parents due to his medical history and the twins’ deaths. They definitely had a great family relationship at some point because Josh has good memories of them going up to the lodge and playing games together. Now, I think they feel sorry for him and have tried to help but are starting to be at a loss of what to do. He clearly hid stuff about the trip and lied about things. He likely pulled the same thing he did with his friends like: “I just want closure.”

Mike: Really independent. He doesn’t have a bad relationship with his parents, but does his own thing a lot. He didn’t even tell them about this. They think he’s still at his university while the events of the game are going on.

Sam: She’s similar to Mike. She has a good relationship with her parents, but is very independent as well. She mentioned the trip to them so they’d know where she was, and they were like “okay,” not thinking much more of it.

[takerfoxx]

Okay, Rebuild of Evangelion 3.0 + 1.0, Thrice Upon a Time! The final Rebuild film, the definitive grand finale of one of the most popular, influential, controversial, and utterly batshit anime series there is. The Eva swan song of Hideki Anno himself, who was both made and broken by this franchise several times over! It is finally done. We got our closure.

So what did I think?

...

I kinda loved it.

Yup, it's good! Kind of great in some ways. Perfect? Hell no. Problems? Things that bugged me? Things I would have done differently? Most certainly yes.

But that's kind of the authentic Evangelion experience, isn't it? A messy story with a troubled production that is equal engaging, inspired, flawed, brilliant, horrifying, heartbreaking, problematic, thought-provoking, exhilarating, and just about every other adjective you can think of, good or bad. It will draw you in. It will break you. And it will ultimately end on a bizarre note that leaves you unsatisfied in a manner that you just can't get out of your head.

But before all that, let's start off with me gushing. Mari in Paris slaying rogue Evas with the Effiel-freaking tower? Bad. Ass. I know Anno's built up this reputation for offering something unapologetically cool only to yank it away, but let's face it: the man does love his robots, and he does deliver when he feels like it.

And after that, we get what is probably my favorite extended sequence in any incarnation of Evangelion, ever. And that's the whole part taking place at the survivors' village.

I. Fucking. LOVED that whole bit. Following Rei Q as she slowly became part of that community, how they welcomed her and helped her learn how to be a person, to form connections and make decisions for herself. Her childlike curiosity and joy in learning how to do simple tasks was soul food that hit like only the best comfort sequence of a hurt/comfort story could. And seeing grown-up versions of Kensuke, Touji, and Hikari, now with jobs and families and all that? Yes, please.

Granted, there were parts that...weren't so heartwarming. I'm used to seeing Shinji going into comatose states, especially after Kaworu's inevitable death, but the bit where Asuka force-feeds him was...really uncomfortable! Kensuke. Dude. I know you mean well, but maybe sticking those two in the same house when he's in that state wasn't the brightest idea.

Still, I should have learned. Every time Rei starts to reach out and connect with others, she dies, and this was no different. Yeah, that hurt. I should have seen it coming. I've seen it play out before, should've anticipated it happening here. Damn.

And...fuck. Seeing all those decapitated Rei heads made me hate Gendo even more than I already did. Good job getting the crowd to cheer for the good guys, I suppose.

Though, hey. Does the big decapitated Rei head and those other flashbacks mean that End of Evangelion did actually happen more or less, just without Shinji's involvement? Did almost everyone get turned into tang, Asuka eaten by the mass-produced Evas, and then washed up on the shore to fortunately not get strangled?

Okay, skipping ahead to the finale. It was big, it was tense, it had me going, "C'mon! I just lost Rei! Don't take Asuka away too!" But she went down. Again. Yeah, that's when I made my always watching the red and blue girls die post.

I admit, I got really tense when the crew held Shinji and Misato and gunpoint. Not that I expected them to shoot Shinji, but I was worried that something might kill them. Like, we've only known them for a little bit, but I do like them, and c'mon, nobody wants to see Touji's little sister die. Fortunately that doesn't happen, but it did have me concerned.

Though Gendo's brain blow? Yeesh.

Finally, we get Shinji vs. Gendo! You know, there are two ways they could have played this. First, give us what we've been wanting for years with an actual robot fight, or they could instead go with the more Evangelion route with something more cerebral.

Fortunately, they are smart and gave us both. The robot fight was cool (erm, mostly, but I'll get to that later), but the real meat is when they stop fighting and start talking, giving us that long overdue heart-to-heart we've been waiting more than two decades for.

I'll admit, I hate Gendo. Not in that he's a bad character, but he is so thoroughly infuriating that I just wanted to see him lose. But when we finally let him explain himself and got to see what he was like growing up, I'll admit, I did start to feel for him. Like him, I also have trouble making connections and shun the company of other people. I could empathize. I mean, not in the part about falling in love, but the rest of it? I got it.

And yeah, when he finally admitted that he was wrong and hugged Shinji, that got to me a little. Like, the man is still a monster, but given this show's history, that moment meant a lot. Granted, it wasn't a redemption, as he had done way too much to really be redeemed. But it was a reformation of sorts. Personally, I don't think he deserved to be reunited with Yui, but I'll let that bit go.

Rei! Yeah, I was glad to see Rei Prime. Long hair looks good on her! Damn, was she just chilling with Yui all those years?

After that is just so much emotional catharsis. We get to say goodbye to all these characters, say goodbye to Evangelion in general (seriously, that scene with all of the liberated souls really hit me), and Shinji finally gets the happy ending he always wanted. He resets the world for good, erasing both Angels and Evas, letting everyone get a chance at life. We glimpse Asuka, Kaworu, and Rei alive and well in the train station, with a now grown-up Shinji and Mari playfully flirting, as happy as can be. It's done. They won. We won. We can finally say goodbye.

Okay, criticism time!

Firstly, let's briefly touch base with stuff I've brought up about the last few movies. First, even with the advancements in technology since the first movie, the CG was all over the place. Sometimes it looked fine, other times it was like a PS1 cutscene. The ice breaking was particularly bad, as was all those mannequin Rei's. The Shinji vs. Gendo fight was well-directed, but man, the animation quality just did not measure up, especially when it would cut to the traditionally animated characters. The freaky Rei face could go either way, since it was meant to be disturbing, but even still.

The soundtrack issue wasn't as bad as before, and most of the time it did work quite well, but it could still get distracting at times.

And finally, okay, let's talk about this one last time. Firstly, it does seem I got Anno mixed up a little with Miyazaki when it comes to not liking Otaku and their boob fascination. Anno's issue was how abusive people were to him for the original finale of Evangelion and for finding Rei cute rather than creepy (that last one was kind of his fault, though), and the guy is perfectly okay with boobs. Okay, fair enough. But did'ja have to have so many creepshots? Nudity itself is fine, as it showed how detached both Rei and Asuka were from humanity, but some of those camera angles, man. Like, dude.

Well, whatever. It's a problem with all anime. Moving on.

Okay, let's talk about Mari!

Now, I got introduced to her mainly through fanfics and doujins, and she's pretty much accepted as part of the gang now, so I had a pretty good grasp on her personality at least. And let's face it: it's cool to finally have someone with no baggage who just thinks that piloting an Eva is awesome!

Still, I was surprised by how little of her there was. Like, I expected her to be a bigger deal. I get that they didn't want to get complaints of her being the Poochie by overshadowing the classic characters, but if she was Shinji's endgame (which, I'll admit, is still probably the best option for him, or at least the one with the least amount of baggage), then couldn't they have interacted more before then? Like, built up an actual relationship? She had more romantic tension with Asuka, to be frank. And if you hadn't looked her up and learned of her backstory like I did, you would've been confused as fuck when she popped up in Gendo's flashback or what the hell was going on during her talk with Fuyutsuki.

I'm not saying she should just push Asuka off to the side or anything. Just...give us enough to justify her being there, that's all.

As for Asuka...eh, her new backstory doesn't really work for me. Like, we already have a clone with a cloning complex. Having another doesn't make much sense, to be honest. Like, it explained her motivations okay, but I just feel her original backstory was more potent.

And finally, let's talk about the ending! Is it a lovely ending that felt earned? Kind of! Was it kind of unsatisfying? A little. Is it the ending I would have gone with? Nope!

Look, you know me. I like for things to have consequences, and to be frank, a full reset to create a world where everyone is alive and happy feels a little too neat.

So what would I have done? Well, I would still have done the (almost) everyone lives thing. Like, Asuka gets reformed and ejected like we saw. Give us a scene where Rei is absorbing the souls or essences or whatever from all the other Rei's and have her be reborn into a new body THAT DOESN'T TURN INTO TANG! Have Shinji make his wish or whatever to erase Angels and Evas, but NOT reset the world.

Like, sure, have Mari come in and save him and Rei, and they all get out. Have Asuka's escape pod wash up on a beach and let her out, and she finds Shinji, Rei, and Mari lying not far off, maybe have her give Shinji a small smack as comedic payback for the strangling thing, then they all link arms and walk off toward the village. Then over the credits, we can see what almost looked like was going to happen. The AAA Wunder's crew returns to the village, Sakura and Touji get a big hug, Ritsuko tells Misato's son about his mother's sacrifice and comforts him. The rest of the pilots arrive and are greeted by everyone, with Mari hamming it up, Asuka looking annoyed, Shinji embarrassed, while Rei is looking around in confusion like she recognizes the place. Maybe have Hikari and her kid give her a big hug or something.

Then we get a montage of the LCL slowly dissolving all over the world, cities being purified, the oceans being cleaned, and those Ark pods from the AAA Wunder starting new life. We see the kids...well, maybe not get older (Eva curse and all that), but maturing and participating in rebuilding the world. Forests are planted, animals repopulate, things are healing. Then as an after-credit scene we can have Shinji and Mari flirting in the train station to show that everything turned out all right.

But that's what I would do, not what Anno would do. And Evangelion has very much been Anno's story in every possible way, and to him, it was important to create a world completely without Evangelions. So how could I be mad?

So, this wraps up Neon Genesis Evangelion! And on the whole, I'm pretty damned satisfied. It was a messy journey, and I'm glad of it. And you know what? I'd say these movies actually bumped Evangelion up several places in my favorite anime list. Like, top five, possibly.

Hideki Anno? You crazy bastard, you did it. You actually ended Evangelion. It took you three tries, but you finally pulled it off.

So, what else is there to say, except...

[moth-within]

oc ramblings, talking about gran hotel solaire and queerness under the cut

i think one of the things i'm most excited about for ghs is the like... its the 1920s yeah, and queerness.. was a very dont ask dont tell thing back then. but, heres this hotel with, coincidentally, a bunch of queer people thrown in.

i think, though a lot of it may go unsaid, there is something so pulling to me to write about... the queer experience there. even if just briefly, right?

like, jaime is a man of very few words. he doesnt stay in one place for very long. he doesn't want people to know who he is, queerness aside. of course, that plays a part, deep down in his psyche, but on the front that is just.. who he is. he rarely talks with anyone or really connects with anyone at all, because he cant afford to. he's too afraid of what may happen

but at the same time, he's desperate for human connection, so when he does reach out and have a night of connection, the next morning? he's gone. and the person that was there is left without him to hold for any longer. he'll never see whoever that was again, theyll never see him, and thats for the best. the world that theyre in, its not friendly to those who are different, and jaime knows that very well. he had to hide it growing up, he's going to continue hiding it even now. he doesn't have any other choice

i think a lot of the people he ends up connecting with happen to be gay men, and maybe subconsciously to jaime that makes it.. better? because they already know what the deal is. it feels worse when its with a straight woman, because she might not understand why he has to go-- granted, the gay men don't fully understand the reason, but they can make an assumption at least. they'll have some form of closure knowing this is just the way things are for them. at least in this era

of course, itll get better, and suffice to say in this fictional 1920s world things are most likely a lot.. better for lgbt+ people than it was in real life, but its still not great, right? i think ignoring that would be a disservice to parts of the narrative that might benefit from it. we don't have to write any of the violence of course, that'd be way too much, but i'm definitely planning on incorporating some of the more subtle parts in jaime's writing.

something something.. finding a community in the hotel, finding people like him, and he's genuinely unable to run away in this moment. so he has to sit down and confront it all, he has to confront these parts of himself, and have other people start to understand him in turn. itll be hard, but i think thats so interesting

[childabusesurvivor]

Sharing - Psychologist Explains Why Forgiveness Sometimes Does More Harm Than Good & You Don't Owe It To Anyone

New Post has been published on https://www.childabusesurvivor.net/reviews/2024/03/13/sharing-psychologist-explains-why-forgiveness-sometimes-does-more-harm-than-good-you-dont-owe-it-to-anyone/

Sharing - Psychologist Explains Why Forgiveness Sometimes Does More Harm Than Good & You Don't Owe It To Anyone

We haven’t talked about it here recently, but I know a lot of abuse survivors are bombarded with messages about forgiveness. Some of those messages are awful, such as demanding we forgive our family members for their benefit; some are more well-meaning but not helpful.

What we don’t hear often enough is that you can choose not to forgive, too. So, when I came across this article and saw this quote, I wanted to share it:

Talking about her own experience, Dr. Ramani explained that she has multiple people in her life that she doesn’t speak to anymore and is completely fine with not forgiving them.

“I don’t forgive them. I will never forgive them,” she said. “I will never forgive them because what they did, it changed my view of myself. I spent years crawling out from under that rubble. I still doubt myself. I still don’t feel safe in the world. They took away my safety. How do you forgive that?”

The most freeing thing for me was not to forgive, nor was it finding some closure with confrontation. It was moving beyond all of that and not caring about the people who abused me anymore.

I literally don’t care. I don’t hate them, and I don’t spend a lot of time being angry at them; they are meaningless to me. Anything else wastes my emotional energy, and they’ve taken up quite enough of that already.

No, you don’t have to forgive to find your peace. You have to decide what role that person will play in your life and what boundaries you need to create to have a life in which they have no meaning. As the article describes, not everyone can get away from toxic people. You may be co-parenting with them, they may be family members you can’t help but see again, or they might live near you and be present in the community. None of that is a reason to forgive them if you don’t want to.

You control how you respond and interact with that person; they no longer get to do that. If you want to grant some form of forgiveness because you feel some religious duty, that’s your choice. It may not be the exact choice many of us make, and that’s OK.

https://www.yourtango.com/self/psychologist-explains-why-forgiveness-sometimes-does-more-harm-good

#Abuse, #Boundaries, #Family, #Healing, #Survivors, #Trauma

[brotherslayer]

Do you think og Penelope could ever gain closure?

Would the duchy ever feel sorry for her?

someone asked me this before but I can't find the ask cause tumblr's search function is wacky (¬､¬)

I anwered something similar here and here

in short: no, I don't think so.

Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what's finished to something new.

How can og! Penelope achieve a comforting or satisfying sense of finality? Her abusers go unpunished. Someone else has taken her place and gets doted on in her stead. She is dead. Her soul is broken into a thousand pieces. If a heaven exists would she even be there considering that Cha Siyeon is supposed to be one of her soul pieces and alive? (correct me if I'm wrong). Thanks to Vinter she is in this weird state where she is simultaniously dead and not dead. I doubt she can even find peace in the afterlife, not even that is granted to her, because her numerous deaths and repeated revivals messed with the essence of her existence. Perhaps disappearing forever is preferable to being forced to watch her family apologize and trying to make it up to someone else wearing her face. As for Siyeon, she won’t find closure either, I suspect. Even if the author tries to convince me she does. She just traded one classist family for another and married her killer. That’s not what turning away from your past, letting wounds heal and finding something new means.

Would the duchy ever feel sorry for her? The same way a father would feel sorry for beating his daughter to death and a mother for poisoning their child after being found out. They’d think they feel sorry but only feel sorry for themselves. It’s about how this act destroys their family image and how it taints their own image of themselves as the generous people who saved Penelope from proverty and gave her a home. It shows them how awful they are behind their facade and this kind of self recognization would make them incredibly uncomfortable. They were perfectly fine making Penelope’s life a living hell and driving her to the edge of death over and over again. But death is something final, you can’t “make it up” to her with a pretty necklace. How do you apologize to a corpse? I’m sure in Ivonne’s route they blamed her for her own death and went happily on with their lives until their long lost daughter revealed herself as a demon.

In Penelope’s route..while I’ve heard that the duchy was only awful because *spoilers* Penelope is a wizard and humans feel a natural animosity towards them (?) + Ivonne’s brainwashing, I’m convinced the Eckarts were awful even before they met Penelope. Compared to the other nobles and servants the abuse lead by the Eckarts was much more severe, which makes me assume they were never very nice people.

They’d just see Siyeon as the remnants of Penelope, project onto her and buy her things or attempt to spend time with her to ease their guilt. The same as in canon I guess but even more intense since now they know they’ve killed a person. Maybe they’d be in denial and try to bargain that even though Siyeon isn’t completely Penelope she’s at least part Penelope, therefore they can get forgiven if they treat Siyeon well enough.

Unless they have been brainwashed since the start of the story and their personality does a 180 degree turn after the defeat of Leila, I can’t see them feeling truly sorry from the bottom of the heart.

[astrolovecosmos]

Neptune: Deep Dive

Pink petals

fallen onto

night shaded

waters.

Nothing is ever as it seems.

Wood turned to metal.

Reality turned to dreams.

-Natasha Reeves 

The planet Neptune I think is most famous for two things - illusions and dreamy or ethereal associations. A lot of negativity is also commonly associated such as addiction, insanity, guilt, sorrow, denial, and doubt. This planet is complex and just like all the other planets has a huge array of associations. What prompted me to do a deep dive in Neptune? Well for one I’ve been going through the transit of Neptune in Pisces crossing over my IC which has been powerful and I am at the end of my progressed Moon in the 12th House. Also in my own chart I’ve been paying more attention to my natal Neptune placements... which are a lot more prominent and worthy of my attention than I’ve understood and noticed in the past. Honestly I spend a lot more time analyzing others’ charts vs. my own, and I really should have looked more closely at some of my own aspects. I have had a LOT of experience with Pisces influences throughout my life, intense ones. I want to make it clear that Pisces DOES NOT = Neptune. I’ve always wanted to write a whole essay about my experience as a Pisces friend, lover, family member, enemy, etc. An outsiders opinion but that isn’t this. This is a disclaimer because this is going to be both theory and my own experiences. This is a deep dive. 

The Sea’s Love and Wrath 

Neptune in a lot of mainstream media is described as gentle but this planet can be unpredictable and harsh, with erratic energy that could rival Uranus. Neptune can be about tolerance and kindness, seeing past the ego and material. Neptune can embody or promote unconditional love and forgiveness. Because Neptune can be about dissolving and merging this planet allows us to see ourselves in others, maybe even in everyone allowing for compassion, empathy, and the ability to love very freely and openly. But the illusion and deception of Neptune is its shadow. 

Romanticizing and idealizing can be one of Neptune’s downfalls. Many times this is described as putting other’s on a pedestal but this can be applied to any area of life from work to places to ideals. From this those with strong Neptune aspects or prominent placements can find that disappointment is a frequent visitor. Neptune square, opposite, or conjunct Venus can quickly fall for others, trust others, and gravitates towards those they want to help or who have a strong personality they can meld with. Neptune opposite or square Mercury may face the frustration and disappointment of frequently being misunderstood or finding that they easily misread others or trust their words. After feeling tricked there can be wrath to these oceanic bodies. 

Where will their vengeance or anger land? It isn’t fair if they idolize you to get mad at you... sometimes their anger is self-loathing and self-destructive, other times they take you down with them. But the lesson is that Neptune can be as soft and as dangerous as the sea. 

Enlightenment and Madness

Coming down from the high, was getting lost in Neptune’s blue. Dreams and visions dancing in the back of my mind, when reality is so hard to chew. Sensation used to distract and pieces of stories stitched together to where nothing is fact.- Natasha Reeves 

There are many influences that can grant us wisdom or enlightenment throughout astrology, but I don’t see too many writings or posts about Neptune and its connection to enlightenment, nirvana, or eurekas and on the flipside also insanity and denial. Neptune can pull away the fog to give us clarity - especially when looking at the whole of things, the big picture. Neptune can famously also be the fog. 

The transit of Neptune crossing over my IC/4th House brought a lot of light to my childhood and how I was raised. However my IC is in Pisces, while Pisces isn’t the same as the planet, and many astrologers believe Neptune is not the ruling planet of Pisces - it is a sign known for illusions, confusion, and vagueness much like Neptune. I came from a place of a lot of secretiveness and vagueness, but when the “planet of illusions” crossed over I found myself accepting the instability and moments I felt lost or clueless in my life as well as looking back with remembering and understanding. 

Neptune can represent the part of us that is hard to grasp and understand, it also faces us with the idea that it is okay to have unanswered questions, to not have closure, that many times we have to create that closure or solidity ourselves. Neptune much like Jupiter is a matter of faith whether in ourselves or a higher power. 

It should be noted Neptune doesn’t always mean outside sources. Neptune is an introverted, intimate actor. It can represent how we lie to ourselves, trick ourselves, or how we push responsibility off of ourselves. Neptune also allows us to see, understand, more importantly feel what we easily ignore or can’t see. 

Life’s Extremes - Our Extremes 

“Neptune moves between the greatest extremes: from the highest spiritual awareness through imagination, fantasy, and illusion, to the depths of deceptions and disillusionment. The planet of mysticism, glamour, and enchantment, Neptune exerts a hypotonic fascination.” - Judy Hall. 

When many think of extremes they probably think Pluto before Neptune. The blue sphere isn’t going to take away the icy orb’s reputation - Pluto holds tightly in terms of extremes, but Neptune is far from a level-headed, consistent influence. Let’s touch on fantasy and illusion - two things that tends to warn of foolishness or impracticality, but fantasy is part of everyone’s life, no matter how pragmatic or mature an individual claims to be. From coping to manifesting to understanding to enjoying, fantasy is a natural human thing. Think of how often you daydream in an hour, how many books, movies, and games you indulge in, how often you find yourself being tempted by gossip, and how often you find yourself painting a picture of another in your head - negative or positive. 

Neptune symbolizes the abstract, importance, and rawness of our fantasies. Individuals with prominent Neptune aspects can find themselves easily tapping into their imagination, falling into escapism frequently, or have a great use for their wild ideas. If you think of the subject of fantasies or illusion as an extreme - it makes sense. You aren’t going to get an interesting story without the gods and monsters. Our sleeping dreams often are filled with strangeness or strong emotions. Clarity to madness, hopeless romantic highs to deeply wounded sorrows, and dissolving/surrendering to becoming whole/complete are common extremes this planet centers around. 

I have Mercury Square Neptune which tends to make one doubtful of their own opinions and intellect, can increase misunderstandings, and make communication difficult for the individual. Mercury Square Neptune can make someone highly persuasive and deceptive but it can also make one easily confused, tricked, and manipulated by others. Rationality and intuition can conflict. One experience I have with this aspect is usually swinging from extremes to being very withdrawn and quiet to interrupting others, chatting away. I’ve been described by those in my life as always saying something they didn’t expect - few words but impactful or strange ones. This is an example of the more everyday way Neptune can present itself.

“Neptune-attuned people possess glamour in the old sense of the word: the ability to bewitch. They are also impossible to categorize or pin down, demonstrating the planet’s elusive quality. Lacking strong boundaries, Neptune-attuned people are susceptible to outside influences.” - Judy Hall. It is from these lack of boundaries and fluidness we see Neptune’s extremeness. Neptune aspects can have us take on the traits of others and there is intensity in that. Let’s say we are talking about a Neptune to Mercury aspect, here may be someone who is easily energized or put down by the mood of another. Neptune to Mars can create a volatile person who fights, guards, and pursues based on their inner circle. 

Alice: Imagination and Dreams 

Personally I tend to associate Alice in Wonderland with Gemini themes. But I’ve seen her used as a metaphor for many placements and influences, such as Scorpio and Pluto. Neptune’s lostness certainly relates to the character and story. Neptune can be the planet of dreams. Challenging aspects to Saturn indicates someone who struggles to get in touch with reality while easy aspects to Saturn indicates someone who can marry big dreams or imagination to practicality. 

Neptune to Moon aspects can indicate powerful dreaming - almost intuitive or helpful in processing stress or trauma. So does Neptune in the 12th, 4th, 8th, and possibly 9th. Neptune in the 2nd can mean imagination or even dreams themselves act as a resource, maybe this is through inspiration or increasing one’s belief or confidence. Neptune in the 3rd may find themselves always remembering their dreams and keeping a journal. Neptune in the 5th blessed with all of the fun dreams of flying or dreaming of a favorite fictional character. Neptune in the 6th or 10th may find strikes of inspiration, knowledge, problem solving, or important foresight in their sleep. Neptune in the 11th may find comfort or realize important information about self and/or society in their dreams. 

Neptune is a newer planet, many times called the visionary, healer, or spiritual link or messenger. Traditional astrologers can approach the planet with a lot of skepticism. Its exaltation is in creative Leo, detriment in practical Virgo, and fall in usually praised as “visionary” Aquarius. Neptune is still new enough to be a hot topic of debate. You will find many astrologers don’t even agree on the planet’s exaltation, fall, and detriment. Leo is considered one of the most creative sign and on the topic of imagination and dreams Neptune can feel amazing in this sign. It feels confident and shinning in its ideas, fantasies, and magic. Elusive and ever-changing Neptune doesn’t feel comfortable in stable and structured Virgo. But Aquarius is an unexpected challenge for Neptune. Aquarius is about collective action - unity that Neptune also is familiar with. But Aquarius is a cold sign and despite its unconventional side can be highly practical and may dislike unrealistic ideas or approaches. Saturn is Aquarius’s co-ruler after all. Neptune wants oneness as in intimacy, not oneness in action or rebellion like Aquarius. Neptune is the magical moonlit spring to heal all your wounds, especially the emotional and spiritual kind. Aquarius is the soul forge in Asgard from Thor: The Dark World or the hypospray in Star Trek. Aquarius is modern medicine most of the time and when Neptune is dressed in Aquarius’s colors at its best it is advanced medicine we don’t understand yet but are working towards. Neptune in Aquarius can be a genius, but it is about ambitious realism to help others, Neptune at its heart is about helping the individual on the most personal level. Aquarius is random strikes of lightning coming from an active mind while Neptune flows from one spot to another, always connected and coming from an original primal, emotional place. Aquarius is the future, Neptune is outside of time. Aquarius is intellect and Neptune emotions and intuition. Aquarius is rebellion, riot, revolution, Neptune is peace or death and rebirth - Aquarius is the noise and Neptune the silence. 

Some believe Neptune’s fall is in Capricorn, which the struggles exist with Capricorn’s strictness and clinging to reality and control. Neptune in Leo is Alice looking regal like a queen or warrior going to fight the jabberwock, Neptune in Virgo can get dark, feeling uncomfortable and maybe in pain, but still important and empowering. Alice in Aquarius or Capricorn is likely a totally new story, adult Alice putting away the tea parties and white rabbits for a lab coat or pantsuit. 

What about Healing and the Spiritual? 

Let’s get to what Neptune may be most known for. That otherworldly connection, the power of love, transcendence. Neptune is dramatic and it is soothing. Neptune embraces all aspects of the human experience so we can focus more on the soul. Neptune is all about healing and how healing can come in a million ways. It can be fast and hard or slow and revealing. It is painful and messy, it goes in cycles, loops, falls and rises. 

Neptune whether the aspects are easy or challenging, whether in a house focused on the self or others, it gives everyone ways to heal and to connect. As an outer planet it gives a lot of insight into generations but in the unique placement of one’s chart it touches us with humanity. 

Pretty speeches, enchanting metaphors, crazy nights, and charming lovers lead us to our doom and a raw poem, crying ourselves to sleep, old medicine, late night graveyard walks, and maybe a rebound help us pick up the pieces. Neptune many times shows us that the unexpected is what tears us down and what lifts us back up. It teaches us nothing is inherently bad like substances, manipulation, honesty, authority, it is how it is used. Neptune shows us that you are the hero to some and the villain to others. 

Regret, shame, guilt, feeling trapped, isolation, addiction, grief, and sorrow are closely linked to Neptune. I believe many times this is due to the healing process or spiritual associations of the planet. These emotions are heavy and life-changing but they are emotions that many times need to be faced with a lot of bravery and work. They are feelings that also help us come to realizations. Neptune is associated with rebirth and if you examine emotions like regret or shame, sometimes rebirth is the only way you can shed those feelings. Neptune’s fluid nature also allows us acceptance, which is needed to deal with such heavy emotions. 

While we always talk about the lack of boundaries as a dangerous or bad thing... and it can be, these lack of boundaries like I mentioned above can allow for a very giving love and empathy, it also allows us to feel or interact with a higher power, magic, and the spiritual. Whatever your beat is - religion, magic, or the belief we are just star stuff, Neptune symbolizes our relationship with it. 

[apixrl]

DRIVER'S LICENSE.

katsuki bakugou x fem! reader

WARNING(S): angst. cheating. swearing because it's bakugou.

word count: 4.5k

song: drivers license // olivia rodrigo (i wonder why...)

note(s): so i captioned this *at the time of writing* 'hello and welcome to i've had the worst two weeks ever so i wrote a katsuki oneshot to cope' and it's probably one of my most personal pieces of writing tbh

"-come Tuesday and we'll potentially see an end to this heavy downpour of rain. Temperatures will be on the rise to around-"

The talk on the radio cut short at the jab of your finger, heaving a great sigh which faded into the muffled pitter-patter of rain from outside. The streets had been showered with heavy downpours for the last week or so, no sign of sun or a still and restful day. Notwithstanding the miserable outdoors, the windscreen wipers on your car never ceased in their duty to grant you a clear view of the road ahead. And whilst you were grateful for their devotion, it didn't feel clear in the slightest. In fact, the road had never felt so blurry.

Shivering against the cold night chill and tucking your knees cosily to your chest, you eyed the raindrops on the windows. They raced against one another before they dripped down to your car's body, their glossy presence obvious thanks to the many hues of street lamps that surrounded them. You could have watched them for hours, being honest. Something about the droplets of water battling it out quite enticing. Anything to take you away from the cruel reality you were living in.

Your heart ached and yearned. But to no avail, the one you ached and yearned for didn't love you back.

Not anymore, at least.

Just the mere thought provoked a pulsating pang to resonate throughout your entire body. A pang filled with grief and sadness. Anger and hurt. You missed his sun-kissed face on the sunny mornings. You missed his eyes and how they gazed at you from across the room. You missed the smiles and laughter he would only show for you and you alone. The sense of glee and euphoria that came with that honour. Yet all of it was gone and there was no way you could get it back.

The memories of what had been triggered more waterworks. Hot, salty tears dug at the corners of your eyes and trickled down your face. Your motionless car concealed your cries and sobs. Every thrash against the wheel as you questioned to nobody in particular what went wrong and why. How you didn't see the signs sooner. What you could have done better. When he stopped loving you. If he ever planned to stop loving you. Whether it would have hurt more if you found out sooner.

All these questions with nothing to answer them.

Katsuki Bakugou had always fascinated you. From the very moment you met. You accompanied your friend on a double date, and he was the guy who she matched for you. Whilst he originally acted as though a blind date was the last place he wanted to be, underneath the aggression you could tell there was something much more genuine and true.

And your assumptions were correct. Truth be told, Katsuki Bakugou was one of the most genuine and truest people you had met (at the time). Once it was just the two of you, he allowed his true colours to unveil. Through the smallest of kind gestures that still haunted your mind to this day. Then upon confrontation, as you bid each other goodbye at your back door, his denial resulted in a flirtatious contest which then proceeded to an intimate night that changed your life forever. From there your mind was set.

He was the one.

Emphasis on was.

So blinded with a fairy tale love you grew so accustomed to, you never saw it coming. Never in your two-year relationship - that had so much strength and commitment built on top of it, never did you think that Katsuki Bakugou would throw it all out of the window like it was nothing. Disregard your loyalty and adoration for a drunken one night stand that slowly became an occasional hookup. Which soon became a mandatory pastime once a fortnight. Then twice. Maybe more than that. You wouldn't put it past him with what you knew now.

He kept it from you for nearly six months. Six months. The only reason you discovered his lies and deception was because you were let off early one night from work. You worked a night shift, see. Your last job had fallen to shambles, and it was temporary whilst you searched for a new one. And whilst that did take a toll on your relationship with Katsuki Bakugou, mostly finding time for intimacy since his working hours were during the day, none of that gave him any right to go and do what he did.

That wasn't one of the only reasons, you knew that for sure. There were other motives for his lack of loyalty. But you were never told. After you froze at the sight of another woman under his hold and stormed straight back to your car to flee. After he chased you down the flights of stairs in nothing but baggy pants into the streets of a twilight Musutafu. After you screamed into the darkness and belted your fists against his chest. Fists that were driven with rage and hurt and every emotion that burned like the hottest of fires and froze like the coldest of ice. He never even told you. He never made an effort to address it. Nor had he attempted to call or even try to visit your Mom's house - where you stayed as you searched for a permanent place to live. Just because you retreated for your car and cried that it was over, he never tried. But that didn't mean you weren't allowed an explanation. An apology. Something to give you a form of closure and a reason to move on. But you never did.

That wasn't even what hurt the most, either.

As silly as it was, the thing that hurt you the most was the very car you sat in.

EIGHT MONTHS AGO . . .

The red glow of traffic lights hit Katsuki's vermilion irises as he stared dead ahead at the long line of vehicles, the ash-blond heaving a sigh into the air. His finger tapped impatiently against the steering wheel he gripped with one hand, the spare rested casually against your upper thigh affectionately.

"I can't believe we have to sit through this torture just to go to some damn party," Katsuki grumbled, taking a glance over at you. His brows furrowed when he met you peacefully slouched down, nose dug into your phone as you presumably played some sort of game to pass the time. Like you had no care in the world for your predicament.

"It's your best friend's birthday, love," You mused back, Katsuki surprised you even listened based on your focused expression directed towards your phone. "It's not like we can just miss it,"

"Yeah, but we could have missed all this pain by taking the train instead of driving across town during rush hour,"

"Trains are icky, the seats would have ruined your suit and my dress," You pointed out, looking at the blond over your screen, sending him a sweet smile. He cocked a brow, a smirk creeping its way onto his lips as a scoff of a laugh broke out between them.

"Right, and laying down like a sloth is gonna help keep your dress uncreased?" He returned, amused at your realisation. At his comment, you sat up faintly and pouted your lip.

"Driving means more time to play Gravity Pops, and so does traffic,"

"Seriously? That's the game you're playing? You're such a dumbass,"

"Yes! I'm in the top 11% globally! I need to get to number one!" Was your protest, your arms flailing ahead of you briefly for dramatic emphasis. Katsuki clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, though the small smile plastered over his lips betrayed his initial reaction. Unable to deny your determination, he spoke with confidence and almost a sense of pride.

"Number one, hm? Clearly rubbing off on you aren't I?"

"In a way, yes,"

"That's my girl," Katsuki remarked, earning a giggle from you that was uplifting to hear. It was there your attention went back to your phone, but Katsuki wasn't done. "So, speaking of cars, Y/N," Hearing his chosen tone - which sounded suggestive, you eyed him closely. Hesitant to reply as you had a sense of what he planned to say.

"...Yes?"

"Have you thought any more about getting your driver's license yet?"

Called it.

"...No,"

"What?" Katsuki began, tilting his head. He was surprised that he felt surprised. You had said those words in regards to this topic countless times. Still, he persisted. "Is that a no meaning you haven't or no meaning that you don't want to?"

"Both?" You half-guessed, sheepishly grinning at the look you were sent. "Look, cars scare me okay? And so do roads. And people. My nerves wouldn't be able to handle it! I can barely communicate with people face to face, so me being on the road is a recipe for disaster!"

"I know but -," Katsuki exhaled sharply, understanding your reasoning. You had voiced these concerns when confiding to Katsuki about your fears of the road. Something built and corrupted from social media as well as phobias and fears in general, it was a battle you had yet to overcome. You wanted to drive but was terrified of messing up or causing chaos on the road. Potentially inflicting harm to someone and yourself. You still weren't sure what triggered it all, but over the years it had manifested into something quite irrational, to say the least. Katsuki had been supportive of it and whilst he truly would love to always act as your personal taxi - you couldn't hide from it forever. It wasn't his job to keep you in your comfort zone. That, and he couldn't always be there for you that way. What if he was miles away and you had somewhere urgent to go like the hospital? "It's not as scary as you think. I know it's hard to believe that but seriously. The freedom you get from driving is amazing,"

"I'll think about it a little longer, okay?" You said with hesitancy, looking at Katsuki for a sign of confirmation. He nodded in defeat, knowing you probably needed more time and felt put on the spot. So he averted his eyes back to the road to check if the traffic had moved at all. It had not.

"Okay," Katsuki said. "But I can't be your taxi service forever,"

"But I like you being my taxi service," You jokingly said, a little sadness in your tone. "Your road rage is funny and I like watching you get out of the car and walk to my door after pulling up in my driveway,"

"What do you mean?" Katsuki asked, catching the twitch of a smile on your face upon saying those words. It struck his interest in what you could mean.

"You know, like when you say you're coming to pick me up?" You explained. "You pull up at my driveway and I don't know... simple things like that just remind me of how much I love you. It's dumb really, but it's important to me,"

"Really?" Katsuki questioned in disbelief. How something so small and meaningless could mean so much was puzzling. He couldn't understand why it was so special to you. But that didn't invalidate it in any shape or form. So he pushed that aside, replacing his wonder with gratitude. He returned to your bashful and flustered features, feeling a smile grow on his face.

"Yeah," You said, shrugging to downplay your words. "I love you. Stuff like that means a lot to me,"

"I love you too, even though you're a dumbass," Katsuki said, humbled by what you had said. The two of you shared a gentle exchange, your hand grabbing hold of Katsuki's as you gave it a squeeze. He squeezed back, and silence ensued. Had he realised such a thing sooner, then Katsuki would have pulled up in your driveway much more than he had been doing. But at that a thought struck his mind, victoriously smirking as he had an idea on how to potentially sway your worries. Or begin swaying it. Something was better than nothing, after all. "But what if I wanted you to pull up in my driveway one day?" His words caused you to look over at him in curiosity, hearing the seriousness in the question. It caught you off guard momentarily, having to contemplate as you gradually concluded that he had a point.

"Well one day, maybe I will," You vaguely replied and sat up a little bit. The hand holding yours pulled back and lifted to land on your shoulder, gripping reassuringly tight.

"I hope you do, I'd like to get in on this driveway action," He joked and smirked, faith riddled in his expression. You giggled ever so slightly, tempted to lean forward and peck Katsuki on the lips in thanks, but never a thing was to happen as the alerting red light from outside switched to warm amber.

"Ah!" Katsuki yelled in triumph, his attention leaving you swiftly as he got back into the driver's seat. Giving you no opportunity to respond to him and overall ruining the moment. "Took fucking long enough!"

The light turned green, and he set the car in motion, leaving you with your thoughts and the words he had uttered that day as the traffic stood still.

All your efforts, all your time devoted to getting over your fear of driving and the road as a whole... all of it was pointless. You did it for him. You promised him you would overcome your fears and better yourself. He built that motivation up brick by brick until you could grab hold and seize control. He wasted all that time to get you to reach such a stepping stone only to abandon it once it was through.

Just so you could pull up in his driveway, just like he requested. And what did you get in return when you finally did? A stab in the back and the loss of your other half.

You wiped your eyes via the sleeve of your hoodie, dampening the cuffs. Sniffling and exhaling a shaky breath, your gaze landed on nothing in particular. Yet somewhere within your clouded mind, you found interest. As that was where your gaze remained for a certain amount of time. You weren't sure how long exactly. It could have felt like an hour and only been five minutes. Or it could have felt like five minutes and was actually an entire hour. Either way, the clock ticked on and didn't wait for you to stop.

It was a good thing you had pushed your fears down and rose above them. It just pained you that you didn't even do it for yourself. Without Katsuki Bakugou, you never had any intentions of doing so. As a matter of fact, you had set out to take the train or bus for the rest of your life. Hell, you were going to use a bike and scooter if you got desperate. Had he even acknowledged how much work you put in just to get where you were? Was all that effort part of the reason why he decided to cheat? There was absolutely no telling. Absolutely no telling at all.

You wondered what he was doing now. Was he laid in bed resting peacefully? Out with his friends for a boy's night only? Maybe cooking his favourite curry? Possibly on a late-night jog despite the harsh weather? It never stopped him other times.

Did he ever think about you? Regret what he did and the actions he took? Had he ever considered apologising? Would he ever apologise? What if he was celebrating the fact you were no longer in his life? Had there ever been any love there for you in the start? Did he ever actually want you to get your driver's license because he believed in you? Or was it so he could get rid of you with much more ease? Make his departure less severe and less selfish? A way to justify his choices because it's not like you were hopelessly left to suffer everyday life now that you had a means of transport. Was he really that cruel?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sharp jingle of your phone, the device lighting up as it sat in the passenger seat to your left. It took two or three rings for you to glance over at it, E/C eyes sore and drained from crying out. You squinted them to read the caller, seeing the name 'Work' fade in and out on the brightly lit screen. For a second or two you argued back and forth on whether to even bother picking up. Something about reaching across for your phone requiring a magnitude of energy you no longer possessed. Having spent it all on your cries of agony and the deprivation of your old life as a whole.

However, you had ignored your work in the last couple of weeks too many times now. So many times that pulling the same stunt again would probably risk you losing your job. It's not like your work was interested in why you felt such overwhelming pain... all they cared about was you turning up to do what you were hired to.

So using a forceful hand, you leaned over to pick it up. You fumbled to grip your phone and accepted the call with a dainty tap of your thumb. Then you blinked away your tears and subtly sniffed, pressing your phone to your ear to address the caller.

"Hello?" You practically croaked, quick to clear your throat and push any signs of upset down. It was presumably dry from how much you'd cried in the last two hours.

"L/N! Hey! Glad you finally picked up!" Unlike the droll and unvarying tones of your boss, the person on the other end was much more lively and greeting. So much so you could only assume it was none other than your work colleague, Etsuko. Probably the only person you genuinely liked where you worked, and the only person who made the time pass by faster. "I was worried you were gonna leave me on answer phone again,"

"Hm, what? Oh right. Yeah. Sorry about that. Haven't been feeling too great," You lied, even though it wasn't a complete fib. You hadn't been feeling great at all. You had never felt so rock bottom. It all just originated from your mind over anything else. But when did work care about that?

"Sounds like it, I hope you've been okay!" Still cheery as ever, Etsuko followed up with a laugh to fill the silence you created by not saying anything. "Is everything well? It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No. It's not. Just some dumb cold I caught," You excused. "I'm better now, though," Slouching down in your seat, you decided to ask the question that had been roaming your mind the last minute or so. "So why are you calling?"

"Oh, right!" Etsuko said. "Mr Kobashigawa was just wondering when you planned on coming back - for schedule reasons and to get people to fill in for your shifts,"

"I er...," Not entirely sure how to answer, you stuttered as your words cowered away in your attempt to speak. "I don't -,"

"It's okay, he doesn't need an answer yet," Etsuko reassured. "Maybe in the next day or two, though? He wasn't really specific, being honest,"

You sighed at the guilt brewing in your stomach. You weren't even sick for crying out loud! Why were you lying just so you could wallow in your own sadness?! Like that was going to change anything! Sitting around and crying wasn't going to give you what you wanted. You weren't getting him back. Katsuki Bakugou wasn't yours anymore. He made that clear by cheating. By making minimal effort to give you an explanation. By causing you so much pain with little care or concern. Why couldn't you get it through your thick skull that your feelings didn't matter anymore?! That they were being wasted on a lost cause. A lost relationship!

"Well I mean -," You started, running a hand through your hair as you tread carefully on your words. "I could come in tonight? Has Mr Kobashigawa got someone to fill for me yet?"

"Um... no? I don't think so?" Etsuko answered, uncertainty in her voice. "Let me go check. Be right back!" And with that, the line fell dead. The call didn't end, just Etsuko placing the phone down to get an answer for you. Leaving you all by your lonesome once more.

Reflecting, you could see the logic in your thoughts. The best course of action would be to hold your head up high and live life the way it was before. When you were happy. Just... excluding the factors that actually made you happy. Which was him. Wouldn't that be healthier than crying all the time?

Yes, it would. But was it what you wanted? Not really.

"L/N!" The voice in your ear startled you to the point you nearly dropped your phone, panicking through a gasp as you fiddled to grab hold of it again.

"Wa-! Careful you nearly scared me half to death!"

"Oops, sorry!" Etsuko giggled softy, sounding as perky as ever. "I'm just excited to tell you that nobody's filling in your shift! You can still come in for ten-thirty!"

"I-I can?" You asked. After an upbeat 'yeah!' filtered through your ears, you considered your options. Remaining in the serene, quiet confines of your car with only the downfall of rain to accompany you sounded like utter bliss, given how you felt. But you felt an internal kick up the backside which told you - no... demanded you to just get over this moping attitude of yours and look on the bright side. To get over the lack of closure and simply... move on.

Yeah... if he found out you were an utter train wreck thanks to the damage he inflicted; Katsuki Bakugou would probably revel in it. He had a history of gaining pleasure from other's misfortunes... or it was rumoured he did (during his younger years, anyway). You had never wanted to believe it but you couldn't find a reason to refute it anymore. After all you had been through, it seemed to fit his character and personality more than ever. So with that fact apparent, you held a firm forefront and searched for a determined tone, and made your answer to your friend.

"You betcha I'm coming in! I'll see you in half an hour!"

Too enthusiastic? Probably. Still, it was better than acting pessimistic and hopeless. No matter, however, because that was exactly the attitude Etsuko had been hoping for.

"Alrighty!" She exclaimed, smile audible in her voice from the other end. "I can't wait to get our dynamic duo going again! I've missed you!"

"Yeah, me too, 'Suko," You hummed in agreement.

"Great! Catch ya later my partner in crime,"

"Heh. You too, dumbass," You found a reason to smile from her childish behaviour, though your choice of wording seemed to hit a nerve. It did more than that, it practically reverted all that confidence and progress you had made in the last ten minutes of being on the phone. All from one innocent word that escaped your lips.

Dumbass.

That's what he used to call you.

The phone call had ended without you even noticing, your phone still pressed to your ear as a small buzz sounded into it. You stared dead ahead, flashes of all the times he had said that word to you running through your memory. It was his form of a pet name. Some might see it as a little degrading on the surface, but you never minded. Once you learned the deeper meaning of the name, it became something equivalent to the likes of 'Sunshine' or 'Angel'. If anything, you ended up preferring it to those sorts of nicknames. Hence why Katsuki Bakugou had called you it on so many occasions.

No. Stop it. You can't let something like that bother you. Not after the efforts you just went to. Stop. Shaking yourself out of it, you returned to reality and permitted your phone to drop onto your lap. Your hand once holding it gripped onto your steering wheel, the other following shortly behind to do the same.

"I love you too, even if you're a dumbass,"

That rung in your head one final time, tormenting and mocking your present. The things you'd be willing to do to hear him say that to you one last time...

"No," You firmly shook your head, banging it lightly against the headrest to return yourself to reality. An attempt to knock those words to the back of your mind where you could lock them in a securely tight safe for the rest of eternity. "Just... just don't think about it. Easy. Just focus on what you're doing now," You reached for your keys which sat in the ignition, taking hold and turning them ever so slightly. Your car stirred to life, engine rumbling and the dials lighting up in a form of warm greeting. "You're going to work. No more feeling sorry for yourself,"

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

Your eyes set themselves on the road ahead. The vacant, dark and solitary road that didn't wait for you to make your decision. Life moved on after all, so if you were going to do anything - it was to catch up and take the winning lead.

So despite your circumstances; your inner desires and wishes and begs for what you wanted back but to no avail would ever get, you pulled out of your parking space (which had long exceeded the time limit, thankfully nobody was around to see) that drowned in pitiful rains of the night, and began to make your way down the street. In search of a place better than the one you were trapped in.

An endless road that wasn't all that clear, you were going to tackle it. Not for anyone else, unlike the last time you met difficulty and hardships. No, no, no. This time it was for your sake. All the mental energy to recover and become a better version of yourself, in the endgame it was all for you. You could push past all the deceit and lies you had been told and you could push past your normality which was him. Katsuki Bakugou. The man that hurt you as nobody had ever done before. You could create new normality without him.

A thought of forever he created and destroyed, resorted to driving alone past his street, never to be thought of again.

[skyborn-reads]

📜 Unreturned Feelings — an intuitive reading

This PAC is for those who are/were involved in unrequited love, and for those seeking closure. May these channeled messages from Spirit help heal your pain and sew up the crevice of your broken heart. Love will find you once more. When it comes, you'll be ready to receive it 💕 Pick a feathery friend to deliver you your message 🕊️

Picture sources 1 ✦ 2 ✦ 3

Bird 1 — Let It Go, Let It Flow

"Take as much time you need to heal from the pain. The world will go on just like it always has. You won't miss much of it, but your inner self needs you to heal its wounds, your future self will step out of this cocoon a stronger version of you, so much more in love with the Self that is you. I need you to know that this is but a painful chapter in your life. There are lows such as this, but there are also highs, oh my darling, lots of them beautiful episodes in your future you wouldn't want to miss! I won't spoil the surprises for you. Those are for you to find out, and for you to keep."

"Let's not bathe in sadness, shall we? Let's bathe in love, let's bathe in a hopeful future, the one that's been lingering in your dreams. Let's bathe in the knowing that tomorrow will be a much better place. You've always rose through your hurts, what makes you think this little episode is going to stop you? You have it in you to make it through this. You're not their cup of tea, what makes you think they are really yours? What makes you think you're ever meant to be with someone who cannot give you a hundred percent of their love just like what you're willing to give them? Life's too short, really too short to waste on them. Too short my dear that it's so not worth it! 💖 You deserve much more, dear. You deserve the happiness you willingly grant yourself by taking a step back and heal the pains this "love" has caused you. I love you, and I'll see you when you're ready to take a step away from this unrequited relationship, and then another step, then another..."

Bird 2 — The Sun Shall Rise Once More

"What you did for them they never deserved it in the first place. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but think of what they did for you versus the length you willingly went for them? Seems contradicting huh? You're right to have opened your eyes before it's too late, before you lose more of yourself on this person. It's good that you saved yourself by walking away from them. Next time, don't plunge your head in, thinking that you'd get the better end of the deal. Just no, you have to set better standards, not to say you should ignore future opportunities, but you gotta know what you want in a relationship and not to be a pushover! You bring to the table so much of your love, so much you're willing to do, to sacrifice for them, to love them with all your heart but if they can't give you the same in return that you deserve, then say goodbye. You ain't got no time for that draining shit."

"A better tomorrow is ahead! Sunrise is approaching, are you seeing it? It's there, you just have to believe that although this time the love you thought was real stung you in the neck, there are more to appreciate in the near and far future. Trust me when I say that if you love yourself, if you're willing to give to yourself the love that grows you, heals you, makes you see the light at the end of the tunnel again, then you're invincible. They can't get to you my love. Because you're growing way further than their shit. You're never unlovable. You're always loved, cherished and held dear by those who loved you and those who will come to love you. You have to realise this and not feed into the unlovable bullshit that your mind tricked you into. The sunrise is so darn bright my dear 💛 you'll be able to see it too!"

Bird 3 — Stars Guide My Way

"Who has hurt you my child? You're not unlovable like you tell yourself. The journey you have with them has come to an end. The frost thickens in tide with the Winter, there's nothing you can do to erase the fact that this season has dawned on your relationship with them. But what you can do though is choose to let go of the fruitless dreams and the hopes that never did happen. Brush them away like frost that snowed over your front lawn. Thank them too for they have taught you valuable lessons as bitter as it could get. They taught you to let go and to prepare for the cold. When you're ever alone and the loneliness bites into your bones like numbing ice, trust that you still have the warmth of your self love and those who are always there to lend you their shoulder. Is this the end? Oh of course not. When the chilliest winter passes will come the soft wisps of light. Spring will dawn upon you and neither my frost nor its dark clouds will ever hinder you no more. You're free to walk away, my child, you just have to know that you're walking away from the one who can never give you happiness, to the one who eventually will. Trust in faith that it is so."

"So you've arrived at last. I almost thought you'd never wake up from being lost. That is a good thing. You should never allow anyone the driver seat of your life. They've been on your mind a lot over the last few days it seems. Have you allowed yourself space other than the thoughts of them? Perhaps now is better than never. I was worried about you. Now let me make you some warm tea so we can sit together watching the stars. Ah so many, billions and billions of them. Have you wondered where the stars may have come from? Perhaps your future love is amongst them, still wandering the paths wondering if they'd ever come across someone lovely as you. Love isn't guaranteed amongst mortals though, requiting love even more so. It seems that you do have a chance in your life to meet the one who's meant for you. It would be a chance meeting. Neither of you would even suspect that the relationship would blossom into something more. *chuckles* Does that keep you at the edge of your seat. Well, when you're at a crossroad in the future, if you make the decision that requires you to take a leap of faith outside your comfort zone, you might just meet them. A fresh face, a stranger kind enough to offer you small help, perhaps a nameless face you meet on a street somewhere, perhaps you dropped something and they went to return it to you. Lots of possibilities my dear. Now tell me are you ready to take this leap of faith?"

I hope this reading resonates 💙 Feel free to follow and reblog for more readings! See you in the next PAC 🌌

~ Skyborn 💙

[fullconstellationalt]

You Weren’t My Mission: Ch. 2

Chapter Two – Making Amends

TW: alcohol, mentions of violence and death

Note: Hello! All chapters will have warnings at the beginning of their content and possible triggers. If you find that I miss any triggers, please let me know and I will add them to the chapter warnings as soon as possible. Thank you! <3

Series masterpost

Also available on Wattpad and AO3

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You stared blankly at the hand in front of you, still attempting to process his mere presence. After a few moments of silence, Bucky nodded and gave a slight grin, resting his extended arm on the edge of the bar.

“Tend to get that reaction,” he chuckled. ･:*:･ﾟ☆

You stared blankly at the hand in front of you, still attempting to process his mere presence. After a few moments of silence, Bucky nodded and gave a slight grin, resting his extended arm on the edge of the bar.

“Tend to get that reaction,” he chuckled. You glanced up, meeting his eyes for the first time since he sat down. A look of worry and sympathy met your own hesitant gaze.

As you held eye contact, your mind reeled through what he’d said, trying to sort out what exactly he meant. Amends? What does he mean ‘make amends’? You didn’t realize that you’d asked your questions aloud in a frantic whisper until the bass of his voice rushed to your ears, making you jump.

“Sorry to startle you. Uh, it’s a part of this whole process I’m going through,” he explained. He paused, waiting for some sort of reaction, but you sat frozen still. “I’ve been meeting with different people that I hurt — no, the Winter Soldier hurt — over the years on Hydra missions. You’re one of the last few names on my list.”

You gave a small nod, eyes darting back to the hand resting against the bar. His list? you wondered. It was then that you noticed how long you’d been holding your breath. You let out a small sigh and briefly closed your eyes, attempting to ground yourself.

“Why?” you asked, shifting your gaze back to his. Your voice was small, barely above a whisper, but he managed to hear you.

Although quiet, your question seemed to grant him some relief from the silence that had been hanging. Taking in a deep breath, he explained, “You were one of the few people who survived Hydra’s attack on The Tribune. I’m sure you know that, though.”

You nodded, mind taking you back to the scene at the hospital in the aftermath of the attack.

Of the forty or so staff members in the office at the time, only six of you had survived. As you laid in your bed at the urgent care clinic, nurses and doctors rushing around you, you kept your eyes pinned on the entrance, praying that more of your coworkers would be wheeled in. After hours of watching from your bed, you came to accept that it was just you six that had made it. You’d lost your best friend and boss. The only person you knew well of the survivors was your boyfriend at the time, who you watched be rushed into the ER as a piece of shrapnel stuck in his side was dangerously close to shrinking that survivor count down to five.

You were snapped back to the present by the clinking of glasses behind the counter, Vincent cleaning up after a party had left.

“Are you going to hurt me?” you asked, meeting Bucky’s gaze once again. He winced at the question, his eyes showing a shimmer of empathy.

“No, I’m not,” he assured you. “I’m actually here to say that-.” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “That it wasn’t me who did those things.”

Confused, you arched your eyebrow, to which he continued.

“I was controlled by Hydra for almost about seventy years. They kidnapped me after an accident in Europe while I was on active duty and brainwashed me, making me into a living weapon. I was the Winter Soldier, they made me an assassin. But I wasn’t me, I had no control over myself.”

You nodded, vaguely familiar with the story. You’d known and read about him as the Winter Soldier, a Hydra assassin. While his pardon signified that there was a difference between Bucky and the Soldier, your memories subconsciously considered them as one.

Bucky’s eyes returned a soft and regretful look, glancing down at his metal arm before holding out his palm between you. You stared at it, eyes running over its ridges and flecks of gold.

“They gave me this, the arm,” he explained. “Well, they gave me the old one. This one’s new, from a friend in Wakanda.” Images of his old silver arm raced, memories of the way his metal fingers firmly gripped his gun, a red star painted on his shoulder.

Your eyes flickered between his dark metal fingertips and his gaze, trying to piece together what any of this meant and why he was here in front of you.

“What do you mean by making amends?” you asked again. He’d given the gist, but you couldn’t understand why he was here or what he wanted from you.

Bucky shifted in his seat, relaxing a bit as he sensed your fear turning into confusion. He delved into explaining the process of his making amends, telling you about the types of people on his list and how he wanted to give people closure. He talked about the memory wipes, the separation between him and the Winter Soldier. You nodded along, mind finally wrapping around the concept when he abruptly stopped his explanation.

“I’ll let you go,” he offered, aware of his intrusion on your evening. “I just wanted to explain, you know,” he paused. “That I’m not that person anymore. Or, I guess, that I never was.”

He glanced at the bar top before pressing his hand against the surface, pushing himself out of his seat and onto his feet.

“Thanks for listening to me. I’m sorry for-“ he glanced at the ground before meeting your gaze again. “For everything.” He turned to leave, straightening his arms and stepping out from between your seats.

Your sudden grasp on his arm startled him, Bucky whipping his head around to face you again. He'd never been able to shake the fight or flight instincts that Hydra had intensified in him.

“You don’t have to go,” you suggested. “I mean, you can, but we can talk about it more.”

Bucky nodded slowly, not used to your reaction. Most people were glad to see him leave. But you wanted to know more.

“I think talking about it could help. You know, with the memories and stuff. Plus, I don’t really want to hate you if it wasn’t you that hurt me,” you explained.

Glancing between your grip on his jacket sleeve and your gaze, he hesitantly sat back down. “What do you want to know?” he asked.

“Do you remember it?” you pressed. You relived the memory each night in your sleep and every day at work for years afterwards. It was only recently that you’d been able to suppress it, sometimes making it a couple of days without acknowledging what had happened. How did he even remember you?

“I remember all of them,” he admitted, a hint of sorrow in his voice.

Wanting to break the tension, you waved Vincent over to your end of the bar and motioned towards Bucky’s empty hand. He ordered a glass of whiskey before turning back to you, a hint of a smirk on his lips. Maybe a drink would loosen him up, you thought, unaware of the serum’s restrictions.

While the alcohol had no effect on him, having the drink in his hands seemed to help him relax. He asked about how you’d been faring in the years since the attack, to which you shared briefly of the recurring nightmares and post-traumatic stress you’d faced. You feared that you’d shared too much, but he nodded along, a sympathetic look in his eyes. You weren’t opening up much but talking about it with him helped.

It wasn’t taking you long to recognize that the man in front of you wasn’t the same man who had eyed you down the barrel of his gun. Although difficult, the eye contact and talking with him helped you make this distinction, as did his understanding and willingness to listen. Even when you were sharing about the effects of the trauma had because of the Winter Soldier, things you knew probably weighed heavily on him, he nodded along and gave you his full attention. You felt comfortable telling Bucky these things, and he seemed comfortable around you; neither of you were fully relaxed, but at least were trying to talk.

“What have you been up to all these years?” you asked. “Since Tony, you know …” Ever since everyone came back from the snap, you’d heard about him from time to time, still referenced to by most news outlets as ‘the Winter Soldier.’ You knew he’d been pardoned and seen pictures of occasional sightings, the metal arm a dead giveaway of his identity, but knew little else. He told you he’d been living in Brooklyn the past few years, to which you were shocked that you’d managed to avoid seeing him for so long.

“I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other until now,” you quipped.

Bucky smiled, but you could see the subtle grimace beneath the expression. “Yeah, I’ve been steering clear of anywhere you’d be,” he admitted. Your eyes widened — how had he known where you were? Where you worked now? “I’ve got people who’ve helped me avoid running into you or anyone else around here,” he explained as though he could read your mind, but offering no further explanation. Truthfully, you didn’t want to know the details.

“Why now? What made you come here tonight?” you asked. It had been nagging you the entire evening — what made him come to see you now?

“I’d heard you come here in the evenings,” he offered, exposing yet another detail you didn’t really wish to know. “Figured I’d give you some time before just showing up, didn’t want to scare you more than I have.”

You nodded, grateful that he hadn’t come sooner. Things had gotten better with the nightmares and flashbacks in the past few months thanks to work getting busier, and if he had come to see you any earlier you would have undoubtably had an instant panic attack. You were admittedly creeped out that he knew you would be here, but given his connections, you guessed that he had intel on nearly whatever information he wanted about anyone. Plus, talking with him had proven fruitful for you, helping you disconnect Bucky Barnes from the Winter Soldier. He didn’t say it, but it helped him too, helping him humanize himself.

Over an hour had passed since he sat down, and your stomach twisted in hunger. You’d had two drinks without eating dinner; it was beyond time for you to go home and eat. As the conversation came to a lull, you shifted to face him fully, looking him in the eye.

“Could we meet again?” you ask hesitantly. “I think it may help me, you know, with processing what happened. Only if you want to, though.”

He paused to consider your proposition and you watched as the wheels in his mind turned, weighing the possible outcomes. A moment passed and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a subtle smile. He nodded in approval.

“I’ll come back by soon,” he assured. You nodded and stood up, grabbing your phone and bag before adjusting your shirt, smoothing your hands over your jeans.

“I’ll see you soon, then.” You gave a small nod and did a quick wave to say goodbye, not comfortable with shaking his hand quite yet. While talking to him helped, you weren’t exactly relaxed around him. It was going to take some time for your mind to fully separate him from the man who had threatened your life and ended so many others’.

Fifteen minutes later you were at your front door, fumbling in your bag for your apartment keys. Once inside, you set your bag in its usual spot on the bench in the doorway and walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge to grab the takeout you’d saved from the night before. You dished out your food onto a plate and stuck it in the microwave. As you waited for the timer to go off, you leaned back against the counter.

Besides the sound of the microwave whirring and the occasional honk from the street below, your apartment was completely silent. The silence always gave you time to think, whether for better or worse. Tonight, your mind wandered to the conversations you’d had, running through the details he’d shared and wondering if you’d said too much. Was meeting him again a good idea? Was this really going to help, or were you doing yourself more harm than good?

Just as you began to question yourself, the oven timer rang through the kitchen, making you jump. You grabbed a fork and took your plate from the microwave, walking to your living space to curl up on the couch. Normally you’d put on the news, your mind always focused on work and the need to stay up to date on current events. But tonight, you ate in silence, instead looking out the window at the city street below as your mind wandered back to your interaction with Bucky.

You desperately hoped that this wasn’t a horrible idea.

Next Chapter (Chapter 3 – Adrenaline Rush)

A/N: Thanks for reading chapter 2! I posted both chapters 1 and 2 back-to-back, and am gonna take a little bit to get chapter 3 up but already know where I want for it to go. This is gonna be a bitttt of a slow burn, if you haven't picked up on that yet. Thanks for sticking around!

[stellocchia]

I’ve seen again the clip with Tommy talking about grief and... oh boy... oh boy there’s a LOT to unpack there.

So, what are c!Tommy’s suggestions in dealing with grief?

First one: “I’m sure it’s gonna get better over time and you’ll live and you’ll learn and you’ll forget about him”

First and foremost, it’s true that the grieving process takes a long time, especially if the one who died is someone you were close to, but the objective of this healing process shouldn’t be to forget the person. So why does he feel like it is? Maybe bacause he was never properly given a chance to mourn Willbur, to actually gather his thoughts about him, to get closure. After his death Willbur was painted as an irredeemable monster, but Tommy never saw him that way, even after seeing him at his worst, he always had hope for Willbur to “come back around” as he said. He didn’t stick by his side out of pity, he did it because he believed in his mentor. But he never got the chance to think about his feelings on him that much. Better to just forget...

Second one: “He probably wasn’t as good of a friend as you remembered, usually when people pass away you remember them better. I’m sure he wasn’t that good... average at best”

What could give Tommy this mindset? Clearly it’s not Willbur in this case as we know he was greatly demonized after he passed away. Then who is someone Tommy lost that “wasn’t that great of a friend”? Maybe Dream? Or Techno? Both of them hurt him greatly. Both of them he’s had to leave for his own wellbeing. He felt guilt about leaving both of them and only remembered them as “good friends” at the start (more so Dream then Techno for this last one). Life has thought him that, when loosing people (wether it’s because they died or because their paths diverged) you tend to see your time together trough rose-colored lenses. It’s kind of a cynical worldview, but it tends to be true nonetheless. But, once he put more distance from those events, he realized every time that the people he lost weren’t honestly that good. Dream was manipulative and so was Wilbur (Tommy knows this. so was Techno, but Tommy never realised that one) and Techno never really saw him as a friend or a person.

Third: “I’m sorry about the trauma, just make sure to clean yourself up”

Now, this could be interpreted literally (especially since they are talking about Jack dying on top of Tubbo), but hey, It’s not me if I don’t overanalize everything, so here we go! We know c!Tommy struggled greatly with depression when he was in exile and had a hard time taking care of himself (which is pretty common when you have severe depression). Why was he struggling with this in the first place? Well, because he lost everyone. He thought nobody cared about him any longer, and it was confirmed to him constantly (in his mind of course) by how nobody ever went to visit. He probably doesn’t want his friend to go trough what he did, so he reminds him to keep taking care of himself because he knows how important it is. 

Last one: “Don’t let this ruin your life”

This one is pretty self-explainatory. Every time he lost someone, no matter how bad they were for him, something awful happened to him. Wilbur died? L’Manburg was exploded and Techno released the withers betraying them and telling him to die. He lost his friends and L’Maburg because he was exiled and in exile he was put trough Hell. Then he lost Dream and he had to hide from him constantly and see himself become a person he hated. He lost Techno and New L’Manburg got blown up with tnt and withers once again. It doesn’t matter if this events aren’t cause and effect, because they still form a correlation in his brain: loosing someone can and will ruin your life.

Tubbo is right in saying Tommy doesn’t deal well with grief... he honestly needs therapy more then anything... and the “why” he doesn’t is very understandable. Any time of relative peace anyone else has had to deal with their issues wasn’t granted to him. All he was given was more trauma and new manipulative mentor figures... 

[inthiswhisper]

repear: [to sam] death keeps notebooks with all the ways a person might die, depending on their choices. … but in rowena macleod's notebook, her death is always the same — she's killed, sam winchester, by you.

-

sam: why are you killing reapers?

rowena: they’re just a means to an end. ... death has something i want. my son. after you told me he was gone, how he died, i had an unexpected reaction. we had our differences, but it’s my fault he went down the path he did. i left him. ... fergus — a man abandoned and loveless, tricked by a demon, died in a gutter. he deserved better from the world. from me.

-

rowena: everything i did before — for wealth, for magic, for myself — meant nothing. and it took everything from me, everyone i loved. ... i’m a flawed, petty, evil creature, ... i don’t know if i can be redeemed. but i have to try. and i do wish there was another way.

sam: what are you saying?

rowena: well, you said it yourself. there’s only one way to stop me — you. but if you’re dead, well... then i can’t be stopped, can i? death will have to grant me an audience.

-

sam: i know what you went through and i know how much you lost, and i realize how much you want your family back. but don’t do this. this is not you. not anymore.

rowena: what happened to me, those were my choices. but fergus never… it wasn’t fair. 

-

death: you were never going to kill [sam]. there was a time you would've, but not now. i can see that.

rowena: [crying] i don’t know what i’m doing.

death: sometimes life is unfair, and sometimes we lose things. and sometimes we make mistakes. and some of these things can never be fixed, no matter how powerful you become. some things just are, and everyone has to live with that.

rowena: and now you’ll take me?

death: no. [referring to sam] you already know how your story ends.

—

i would have liked a bit more build-up in rowena mourning crowley, but i appreciate this season wrapping up previous storylines, especially the ones that never received any proper closure — rowena / crowley, dean / charlie, cas over what naomi did to him. sam over his lucifer trauma and learning to live with a past that can’t be changed, like he told rowena. also, the brothers’ grief over mary. it’s been in bursts, but i feel it escalating the closer they get to seeing her.

then, there’s redemption at the center of this too — rowena wanting to be better because of her loss, ketch because his choices backfired and left him guilt-ridden. even sam and dean after what father lucca told them, where they’re trying to hold onto faith by doing their best in spite of how easy it is to do the bare minimum, or get swept up in thoughts of self-gain and revenge.

and then there’s how much cas and rowena have been paralleling each other. both making questionable choices and going to extremes, even risking lives — their own or another’s — for the sake of their family. especially their child. just like dean warned cas that he can’t make impulsive, fatal decisions, sam warns rowena that hurting him isn’t who she is anymore. cas and rowena both say it’s ‘something’ they ‘have to try.’ but, again, is it redemption if she’s taking a life to save a life, like cas hurting donatello for the spell to save jack and mary. like ketch trying to act morally superior to asmodeus before being put in his place, sparking his redemption.

moreover — i was going to sit on this, but sam being rowena’s undoing does (and will) parallel interestingly to dean being cas’ undoing. one putting their faith in the other’s goodness, and awakening the other to their own actions, and begging the other to remember who they are.

i mean, it’s not a coincidence they brought back naomi this episode. in ‘goodbye stranger,’ dean begged cas to wake up, open his eyes, that he ‘needs’ cas — it’s all echoed in sam’s speech to gabriel before but especially in sam’s speech to rowena, as she’s literally standing over him with a blade. so… the fate and inevitable demise of both of these creatures — once considered all-powerful, unfeeling, and immortal — are now tied to a winchester brother they couldn’t help becoming emotionally attached to. shattered at the altar of winchester and all that.