#well her exact response when i read this to her was 'no i don't believe in gay people' but yes she is JKFDSKFDJ

[buck-yyyy]

if ur gf a ronance truther?

oh god yes LMAO

[littlewriters-posts]

Hey darling! Can I request the Damon Salvatore x Fem!Reader? So maybe where the reader is the reincarnation or rebirth of Damon's old love, and Damon meets the reader's reincarnation like Elena in season 3, episode 22?

I love this idea so much!!

I spent hours writing this last night only for it not to save, so here is another attempt.

Plot: Damon thought his first love was dead and buried, so imagine his surprise when someone turns up in Beacon Hills wearing her exact face

1864

Katherine Peirce loved her boys - more importantly she loved how she had them wrapped around her little finger. Which meant of course, she could get whatever she wanted.

The three of them were sat outside in the gardens, enjoying the sunshine in the summer weather. Kathrine, Damon and Stefan all laughing amongst themselves like old friends.

"Your friend is coming today is she not?" Stefan asked.

Kathrine nodded, looking towards the road as if expecting a carriage to pull up at any minute.

"We're grateful you could offer us both shelter," she replied simply.

"Well if she's anything like you, how could we refuse?" Damon asked, a grin forming on his face.

Kathrine smiled up at him "She's exactly like me,"

This was a lie. Although Kathrine would never admit it, she often mimicked her friend's personality to get people to like her. Y/N was softer than Kathrine was, her heart not frozen from the years of pain they had both endured.

"What did you say her name was again?" Stefan asked.

"Y/N," Kathrine responded, "And it looks like she's here,"

A black carriage was pulling up, and a footman appeared to open the door. Kathrine was quick to race towards her friend, whilst the brothers hung back to watch the scene play out.

They watched as Y/N stepped out of the carriage, adorned in a soft green dress. She embraced her friend, a wide smile on her face as she chatted excitedly. Katherine drew her to where the Salvatore brothers stood, and Y/N shrunk slightly, stepping behind Katherine ever so slightly.

"Salvatore's, this is Y/N L/N, you'll forgive her if she's a little shy," Katherine smiled down at her friend.

Damon was the first to respond, taking her hand and pulling it up to his lips. "Damon Salvatore," he said, pressing a quick kiss to her hand.

Y/N curtseyed in response "A pleasure to meet you Mr Salvatore,"

Stefan was next, offering her a small bow "Stefan Salvatore, we hope you enjoy your stay here,"

Y/N smiled, looking between the two bothers "Thank you for having me, Kathrine tells me you have been most generous hosts,"

Kathrine clicked her tongue "Forgive me Salvatore's, but I believe I will be showing her around her new home,"

The brothers gave a small wave towards the girl in green, who gave a shy smile in response.

"What do you think?" Stefan asked his brother. Damon eyed the retreating figures of the two girls with curiosity.

"Well Kathrine says she's like her, but I don't think I've ever met someone so different,"

Neither Stefan nor Damon saw much of Y/N from that moment on, she would never be teasing them the way Katherine did, nor would she seek them out. They'd catch glimpses of her reading, or writing beneath one of the trees in the garden occasionally, but neither of them even thought of saying something.

They were too captivated by Katherine.

But then came the day of the Founder's ball. Damon was in a foul mood, since Katherine had decided to attend the ball with Stefan, and found himself wandering he halls of his own home, unable to escape the nagging feeling in his chest.

So he went to where he always went too when his thoughts became too much; the library.

It was a large place, with books lining the walls like leaves on the trees. But it was cosy also, with three large chairs huddled round the grand fireplace.

To his surprise however, there was already somebody there.

"Miss Y/N," he remarked, a surprised frown on his face "I thought you'd be at the party,"

It was true, as she was adorned in a beautiful purple dress, that looked to be one of Katherine's. Her hair was done in an elegant updo, but still she sat on the chair, a heavy book in her lap.

She blinked up at him, her fingers fiddling with the pages.

"I've never been one for crowds, that was always more of Katherine's thing," she said softly.

Katherine. The name felt bitter on Damon's tongue. He wondered though, if Y/N was like Katherine in other ways, in ways that had to be kept a secret from the rest of the family.

"Mind if I join you?" Damon asked, and Y/N shook her head.

"Not at all,"

There was a brief silence between them as Damon stared at the girl. She paid him little attention, her eyes darting across the pages of the book as if feasting off the words it gave her.

"You like to read," he observed, and Y/N jumped, forgetting he was there.

"I like to write," she corrected "But reading is the next best thing if I have nothing to write in,"

There was another silence, and Damon debated saying something else, but she didn't seem like the type to want to talk much, and he felt he should be careful where he tread. But to his surprise it was her who started the next conversation.

"What brings you out of the party?" Y/N asked, closing her book and setting it to the side.

Damon sighed, he couldn't tell her the real reason, for Katherine was her friend and he was not. But similarly he couldn't think of a lie, something about her made him feel guilty for even thinking about lying to her.

Y/N grimaced slightly, taking pity on the fallen expression of the man. "I see she chose your heart to break," she said softly.

"What?" Damon asked, taken by surprise.

Y/N sighed "You think you're the first two men that Katherine has set against each other? I love her dearly, but she does like her games,"

Damon shrugged "The price I pay for falling for the act in the first place,"

"If I may," Y/N said cautiously "If you want to win her affection's you needn't show it to her so much. Katherine likes to chase,"

Damon's eyes flickered slightly 2What are you suggesting?" he asked.

"Take someone else to the next founders ball," Y/N suggested, picking up another book from the table. "You're a handsome man Mr Salvatore I'm sure you'll have little trouble finding somebody who takes an interest,"

Damon sat back a little, before glancing at the time. The founders ball still had a couple of hours before it was over.

"Why wait?" he asked, a mischievous smile on his face. "I could get a date right now,"

"That's the spirit," Y/N said, not looking up from her book.

"So Y/N, would you do me the honour of attending the founders ball with me?"

Y/N's mouth dropped open as she looked up at Damon, who was now standing with his arm outstretched towards ger.

"I - I can't!" she said with wide eyes "I'm terrible with crowds, and I don't know anybody, and god forbid they try and talk with me-"

Damon cocked his head slightly as she spoke, sensing the panic in her voice.

"I'll stay with you, and if anyone speaks to us, I will be the one to answer, if that is what you wish. So what do you say - one dance?"

Y/N hesitated, before slowing accepting his hand and letting him pull her up. "Don't make me regret this Mr Salvatore," she warned.

He laughed, guiding her hand to he crook of his arm. "Please call me Damon,"

Y/N sighed, trying desperately to swallow the nerves about walking into a room full of people she didn't know.

In the hall, Katherine and Stefan were dancing gracefully, successfully ignoring the stares of the room.

"I do hope your brother isn't too offended by my choice of Salvatore," Katherine mused, earning a chuckle from Stefan.

"I do believe he'll get over it - or he already has,"

"What?" asked Katherine, but Stefan just nodded towards the other side of the room, where Damon had just entered, Y/N on his arm.

Katherine's eyes narrowed as Damon shot a smirk her way, before leaning down to whisper in Y/N's ear.

"Just follow my lead, you'll be fine,"

Y/N tried not to shiver as his breath hit her ear, and allowed herself to be led across the dancefloor.

"I never thought you'd be the dancing type," she admitted, looking up into his blue eyes.

"And why is that?" Damon asked a slight smirk playing on his face.

"I don't know," Y/N bit her lip slightly to stop herself from smiling "You seemed much too arrogant to bore yourself with something as frivolous as a party,"

Damon's eyebrows raised as he realised her teasing tone "I never thought you'd be so cheeky, I thought that was something that belonged to Katherine,"

Y/N shook her head slightly, a laugh falling from her lips "Katherine was always so serious, even when we were children. I suppose you Salvatore's have shown her a thing or two,"

Children, they knew each other when they were children, so Y/N must at least know what Katherine was, if she wasn't one herself.

"She's staring at us," Damon commented, realising that Katherine had stopped dancing with his brother, and was shooting curious looks to the other pair.

"Told you," Y/N shrugged, her voice lowering to a whisper "Nobody Knows Katherine like I do - perhaps now would be a good time to talk to her?"

Damon hesitated, he knew that part of him wanted to but the other part -

"We're having far too much fun dancing, don't you think?"

And it was true, Damon did enjoy Y/N's company. With her shyness beginning to ease, he enjoyed the small jests she'd make at him, and thoughts of Katherine began fading away.

The pair danced, and chatted until the early hours of the morning when the founders ball finally came to an end, and the last of the guests were leaving.

Y/N let out a yawn, and Damon caught her as she stumbled slightly.

"I think it's time I retire," she said sleepily "It's been a pleasure dancing with you Mr Salv - Damon,"

Damon brought her hand up to his lips, pressing a firm kiss on the back of it. "The pleasure was all mine, goodnight Y/N,"

He watched as she left, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"Careful, she'll fall in love with you," came a sly voice to the right of him. He didn't need to look to know it was Katherine. "her heart is far too soft to survive a Salvatore brother,"

"You were wrong before, she is nothing like you," Damon commented "Enjoy my brother,"

And with that he walked off, feeling triumphant that he had been able resist the urge to fall right back into Katherine's arms, but he couldn't shake the Y/N from his mind either.

The next morning, Damon found himself outside the door of Y/N's bedroom, his hand ready to knock when she opened to door herself.

She jumped slightly "Oh - Damon?" she asked her eyes wide.

His lips parted in shock slightly, the encounter catching him off guard and all the rehearsed words in his head disappearing.

"Are you alright, you look like you've seen a ghost?" she asked, frowning slightly.

Damon cleared his throat, presenting a small brown parcel with his other hand.

"A thankyou gift, for coming with me to the dance last night," he said.

Y/N blinked slightly, gingerly taking the package from his hands, and carefully untying the string.

"You didn't have to -" she began, before trailing off as she revealed the leather bound notebook he had bought for her.

"You mentioned you loved writing, I figured this would help you out a bit," he said slightly nervously "Do you like it?"

Y/N looked up at him, her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. "Thankyou so much Damon, this - it means the world," she said sincerely, clutching the book to her chest as if it may run away.

Damon's worried expression broke into a grin. Another difference between Y/N and Katherine, Y/N was sincere, was genuine.

He didn't even see Katherine glaring at the two from behind the pillar.

Katherine watched with resentment over the next couple of weeks, watching as Damon started pining after Y/N instead of her. Of course, anyone else she would have gotten rid of immediately, but Y/N was her friend, and she didn't have many of those.

Even Stefan noticed her change in behaviour towards the other girl, but decided it was not in his best interest to question it.

But Damon was oblivious, too wrapped up in wanting the attention of the shy girl he had met, yet seemingly unable to show his affections towards her.

Y/N carried on with her life, desperately trying to ignore the flutters in her stomach whenever the older brother entered the room, concealing her blushing cheeks with her hair whenever he spoke. Nobody noticed, besides Katherine, as the girl often hid herself behind her hair when people spoke to her, but not quite in the same way.

"I see you fell in love with him too," Katherine commented, walking in unannounced to her friends bedroom.

Y/N sighed nervously, she knew that Katherine got whatever she wanted, and mostly she allowed it which is why the pair were such good friends.

Katherine stepped closer. "What do you think he'll think of you when you tell him what you are?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

Y/N shook her head "I don't need to tell him," she said hoarsely, "I'm not like you Katherine,"

Katherine chuckled "You may not be a vampire, but you can't go around pretending to be human,"

Y/N glared at her friend through the reflection of the mirror, but didn't say anything to protest and Katherine smiled.

"I'm just saving you the pain of losing him," she said, before turning on her heal and waltzing out the door, no doubt to find the Salvatore brother herself.

Y/N sighed, her had laying on the book that Damon had gotten her, piled on top of all the other books she had written in over the years. Even if she didn't like it, Katherine was correct. Though her curse wasn't quite as visible as the older girl's, it was a curse nevertheless, and all curses had consequences.

"What did she mean?"

Y/N froze, the sound of the man's voice like ice in her heart. She spun round and came face to face with Damon, who was standing in front of the door he had just closed.

He took a step closer, his eyes searching her stricken and panicked face. Another way she was different to Katherine, she wore her heard and emotions on her sleeve, there was no having to interpret or guess with her, she was an open book whether she liked it or not.

"You don't have to be scared, I didn't tell Katherine's secret and I won't tell yours," he reassured her, stepping closer to take her hand.

"I'm not a vampire," Y/N said defiantly.

Damon shook his head "You don't have to lie to me," he promised, his blue eyes searching her nervous ones.

"I'm not!" she stressed, before breaking away from Damon's grasp and sitting on the bed "It's more complicated than that,"

Damon sank to his knees before her, looking up at her with wide and trusting eyes "Then let me help you,"

"I'm cursed," Y/N said quietly after a beat. "They call it the Phoenix curse. Every time I die, I get reborn from my ashes as my old body burns, forgetting everything from my previous life."

Damon frowned "But if you forget everything, how do you know you've died before?"

Y/N smiled slightly, raising her hand to brush the hair from his eyes. "I didn't at first. But I am always reborn at the age of sixteen, and people tend to notice when you're almost an adult and have no memories to show it. Katherine found me, and she had this made for me,"

Y/N drew out a necklace that was tucked away in her bodice. It was golden, and dainty, with a red gemstone in the middle of it.

"It allows me to keep the memories even after I have been reborn,"

Damon let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"Well that's certainly a raw deal on your behalf, at least Vampires get the added speed and strength,"

Y/N laughed, shaking her head slightly as she stood up.

"The books in your father's library say that I have wings, and that I can fly, but that remains a mystery to me, and I am immune to compulsion" she said with a smile.

Damon hesitated, a question on the tip of his tongue but unsure whether or not to ask it.

"Well it seems to me, that as long as I don't let anyone kill you, there doesn't seem to be much of a curse," he commented with a quick smile.

Y/N raised her eyebrows "Surely it is Katherine you would want to be around, speaking of which, how are you and her?" she asked

Damon shrugged "I found someone else that seemed far more appealing,"

Y/N turned to face him, her breath catching in her throat slightly as she realised just how close they actually were.

"Who?" she asked, unable to hide her blushing cheeks with her hair this time.

"You,"

Y/N's eyes widened, her brows drawing up slightly as she looked at him. Her lips parted as if wanting to say something, but no words came out, her heart pounding against her chest, the tightness of her corset making it difficult to breathe.

"Damon - Katherine," was all she could let out, but he shook his head.

"I don't want her, not since I met you. I no longer want to be chasing after a game, but I would chase after you for the rest of my life if that is what it took. I would tell a hundred jokes just to hear you laugh, and run a thousand miles to catch up to you,"

Y/N let him grab her hands in his own, but tugged away slightly "Damon you don't understand, Katherine wants you. And Katherine always gets what she wants,"

But Damon didn't relent "But I don't want Katherine, I want you," he said, the desperation leaking into his voice "But if you truly do not want me, then that is fine, but I need to hear you say it. I need to hear your say you do not want me if I am to go,"

Y/N shook her head, her gaze downwards "I can not lie to you Damon," she said quietly "I can not say I do not want you, when you are all I want,"

Damon breathed a sigh of relief, a slight laugh falling from his lips as he embraced her in a tight hug, pulling away only to cup her face in his hands, his blue eyes memorising every detail of it as if would disappear if he looked away.

"Meet me outside, near the village. You go out of the left gate at the gardens then follow the road until you meet the village square, I'll meet you there - I've got a surprise for you," he said, the smile never leaving his face.

"I will try, but I'm terrible with directions," Y/N teased "You may have to find me if I get lost."

Damon kissed her cheek, tucking her stray hair behind her ear "I will always find you," he promised.

Behind the door, Katherine watched the two lovers, a dark expression on her face. As much as she adored her, Y/N would have to go.

So as Damon waited at the village square, and the minutes ticked by, it occurred to him only too late that something terrible had happened to his new love.

That Y/N had disappeared without a trace.

2009

Y/N sighed with a heavy heart, as she lugged her suitcase behind her. She was grateful to have a suitcase, many of the children she was with in the foster home before had their stuff in plastic bin bags as they moved from house to house.

But Y/N had been adopted.

She found it odd that somebody wanted to adopt her, especially since she was three weeks away from turning eighteen, but it meant she no longer had to fend for herself once she aged out of the system, so she had to be grateful.

Rudy Hopkins

Y/N hadn't even met him, yet here he was willing to adopt the strange girl without a second thought.

That's if Y/N could find the damn house.

Mystic falls was a mystery to her, especially since she had never been there before - or so she thought.

"Y/N?" came a voice.

She spun round, and came face to face with a man she could only describe as beautiful. His eyes were wide, and blue, looking at her with a mixture of shock and disbelief.

"Er, I'm sorry do I know you?" she asked with a frown, stepping backwards nervously as the man stepped closer to her.

He froze, his eyes glinting downwards to her neck, where not one bit of jewellery rested.

"Sorry, I thought you were someone I knew - Damon Salvatore," he introduced himself, but his blue eyes were still piercing her own, scanning her as if she were an odd puzzle piece he couldn't quite place.

"Y/N L/N," she responded, a slight frown evident on her face "Are you alright, you look like you've seen a ghost,"

Damon hesitated, her words echoing in his head, the same words she had spoken to him all those years before, yet she truly had no recollection of him.

He nodded "Sorry for bothering you," he said quickly, turning to walk away.

"Wait!" she called out, grabbing her suitcase "You don't know where Rudy Hopkins lives do you? He's my adoptive parent, but he didn't show up to the meeting point, he just text that I'll meet him at home,"

Damon's eyes widened, Rudy Hopkins was the father of Bonnie Bennet, there was no way this was a coincidence.

"Follow the road back down until you - " he paused, looking at her confused and slightly panicked expression, and he felt his heart tug slightly as he remembered her all those years ago wearing exactly the same face as she was now.

"I'll take you," he reassured "Something tells me that you're not very good with directions,"

Y/N breathed a sigh of relief "You aren't going to turn out to be some serial killer are you?"

Damon snorted "Bit late to ask that isn't it? But no, I can promise I am not a serial killer,"

Y/N smiled up at him as he walked next to her, and he found himself having to concentrate on not looking at her. She was exactly the same as she was all those years before, but with no memory of him whatsoever.

He was almost sorry as he left her on her doorstep, wanting to spend every moment with her, to see if it really was her, or just some cruel trick the world was trying to play on him.

She turned to thank him, but he was was already gone.

Damon had darted back to the Salvatore household, his head and heart both reeling from the encounter.

He burst into the living room, where both Stefan and Elena was sat cozied up in-front of the fire,

"Stefan," he said urgently, causing the two others to look up sharply. Stefan frowned at his brothers expression, Damon had many emotions, anger, hatred you name them, but never vulnrable.

Not until now.

"Stefan she's here - Y/N's here,"

Part two here:

[arimiaromage]

thoughts about dgm chapter 251

gonna throw my thoughts about these new revelations here.

bookman jr or past!allen?

she got us good! I was in shock when I first read it (all my headcanons about pasta, out the window! thrown! chunked!) but now I'm more fine with it.

I believe what happened was that hoshino drew the bookman jr in those flashbacks with nea on purpose - she wanted us to think that was allen and bookman jr. the flashbacks aren't past!allen with longer hair, this is definitely the bookman jr, as we can tell now.

it also makes more sense now why "allen" was talking about high concepts like the spiral being the force for life - it really was a bookman!

I fully think she did this switcharoo on purpose. if we look at her most recent livestream (translated by ponkotsubluuues), someone comments that they were shocked past!allen and bookman jr weren't the same person. her response is basically "yes, I know". she's not surprised people would think that, this was probably deliberately on purpose.

bookman jr & past!allen

okay, now on to some thoughts on who they actually are. I won't stick long here as we'll probably find out in just a few months and we don't have much to go on right now.

personally, I don't really care to ever meet allen's blood relatives. it's never interested me who he's "actually" related to and I always felt it would add even more complicated feelings for him and even more complexity to an already messy as hell family & relationship tree.

that being said, I wouldn't be surprised if bookman jr and allen are some kind of family unit, be it blood related or not. when they begin talking about the two of them as separate people, lucia refers to them as "two young men". so they're probably not father and son, but I could see them as brothers or some sort of brotherhood if they're not blood related.

maybe past!allen is a traveling clown who toured the world with bookman jr LOL.....?

either way, bookman jr was so compelled to protect allen & nea that he gave his life for them. I'm so, so eager to see their bond.

cross marian

who the hell is cross marian in all of this?

we know the cross has been around since almost adam's time, having been with mana and nea since they were children-

so we know that regardless of who is he, he's known about and visited the campbell manor for decades.

in this chapter, they even bring him up by name.

not only does allen ask about him, but lucia talks a bit about him as well.

and note that they're not saying something like "my master left a message for me" and lucia just goes along with it- allen says "my master cross" and lucia continues by saying his full name. she knows exactly who he's talking about.

(allen specifically says "cross shishou" = "master cross" but lucia called him "cross marian")

to me, this is one of the main reasons I don't believe cross is bookman jr. I believe he's somehow tied to the bookman, but I don't think he's the missing jr. if he was, why does lucia refer to him as cross here but not later? she clearly knows who allen is referring to, so wouldn't the bookman have searched for cross and found him with relative ease, given he was at the order for quite a while with bookman & lavi up until apocryphos attacked him?

lucia and the master only refer to bookman jr as "junior", not cross marian. if you're desperately looking for cross marian and are fully aware allen knows who that is, then why not call him that? what do you have to lose at this point?

and furthermore, if cross was this bookman jr, how did he forget who HE made the host? how did he lose allen? redarm!allen looks a lot more like this new past!allen and they both have redish brown hair - if you were traveling with this guy, you should be able to recognize him even if he's de-aged like 8 years, ESPECIALLY once mana takes him in and his hair becomes styled the exact same way.

I know we always have the deus ex machina of apocryphos' memory changing but I really don't want that to be the case for every character, the more you do it the more it becomes a contrivance.

cross definitely has SOME connection to the bookman, I don't feel like his mask and knowledge of bookman things is entirely a red herring. lucia makes it sound like cross reached out to them regarding the campbell manor, but I'll get to that in a bit.

the other leading theory is that cross is cyrus campbell, katerina's brother and head of the family. I feel like this holds a bit more water than him being a bookman, as it'd explain why he was the campbell manor when mana and nea were so young (and presumably before nea became a noah) and why he has worked so tirelessly for both of them.

remember, his innocence maria greatly resembles katerina. it's possible this is katerina's corpse, being infested by innocence. maybe this is from innocence cross was carrying finding its way to her corpse or maybe it was a failed attempt to save her, we don't really know yet.

(I'm not fully convinced about the cyrus theory either though, as why does nea refer to cross as cross instead of cyrus or uncle? how would the order not know about his family and how obviously tied to the noah he is? how could he not recognize allen, his nephew's most trusted friend?)

there have been some theories that maybe the campbells are a bookman family, which may be the case and would help explain why cross has a connection to both, but the way lucia words this part makes me think otherwise.

she makes it sound like the campbell manor wasn't always under their jurisdiction, that it came to be that way but wasn't always. but that might be pulling at straws. I just don't think she'd word it this way if cross = bookman jr.

I'm not fully convinced about either theory about cross as I see holes in both of them. just have to wait and see~

personally I'd still like it if cross was just a childhood friend who got way too attached but we'll see 😂 or maybe he was just pining for katerina from afar....

crown clown

I feel pretty confident now that this is past!allen being hugged by bookman jr, possibly for the last time / as bookman jr's way to protect him.

but I also can't help but feel.... it reminds me of crowned clown, you know? the way it wraps around allen, covering him in an attempt to protect him. even the cut off tips. it really reminds me of that.

the bookman are no stranger to innocence. we also don't know when allen acquired his innocence- did past!allen have it? or...... did bookman jr give it to him as he was dying? did he think it would protect him and nea (and why would he give a noah innocence)?

I would not be surprised if there was some connection between bookman jr and allen's innocence.

allen

I absolutely loved this part.

the pure conviction in his face. no regrets. he finally has a chance to clear up his mind, to cast away the fear he's dealt with for so long about who he actually is. so, so good.

but........ WHO IS ALLEN WALKER????? the burning question. who knows at this point.

I'm very excited to see the next parts, even if it apparently isn't the 35 year flashback (her own words, from the aforementioned livestream) - I assume it'll be a flashback to past!allen meeting nea possibly, or them finding out nea isn't a typical noah, or some major event that happened before shit went down.

yeah that's about it, see yall next time ��️

[77ngiez]

SANYA KAZARINA HAS A COMPLEX DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER, AND HERE'S WHY: a pafl analysis

point zero: definitions

im aware that my knowledge regarding cdds is above average. so, in an effort to avoid being like that one xkcd comic, i'll define the terms i use real quick.

complex dissociative disorder: abbreviated to cdd. an umbrella term that covers did, osdd, udd, and p-did.

dissociation: a mental disconnect, typically from reality. everybody dissociates to an extent - some less severe forms of it are zoning out, driving on autopilot, or getting really absorbed in a show you're watching. in cdds, the dissociation is at a maladaptive level.

alters: short for alternate self states. the dissociated parts of a person with a cdd.

point one: childhood

why do complex dissociative disorders form? it all comes down to stuff that happens in childhood, before the personality is fully integrated. experts disagree on the exact cutoff point [some say as low as 6 years old, others say as high as 12], but 9 is the typical agreed-on point. when somebody dissociates too much during childhood, it keeps their personality and identity from fully forming and integrating. this level of dissociation is almost always a result of childhood trauma.

sanya most certainly has childhood trauma. she grew up without a mother, her father died when she was six, her brother was overprotective, and other caregivers were nikita and kolya. she's also shown in canon to use fiction as a coping mechanism, which is a dissociative trauma response by nature. i don't think it's a reach to say that sanya likely relied on dissociation a lot through her childhood.

as a side note, one common risk factor for cdds is the disorganized attachment style. this attachment style forms when a child's caretakers are inconsistent and unpredictable. all things considered i think this matches sanya as well.

point two: dissociation

i just talked about sanya's dissociation during childhood - now it's time to talk about examples of her dissociation at the current time.

first off, sanya pretty clearly has a dissociative barrier around the concept of grief. what's a dissociative barrier? it's a mental "wall" that uses dissociation as the "bricks". it's the same thing that keeps people with cdds from remembering their trauma, or times when other alters were in front. with this dissociative barrier, sanya has separated herself from the painful emotions that will otherwise come when she loses someone.

another example of sanya's dissociation is in the beginning of 100 epitaphs, when she believes yura to be dead. at first she freaks out, but then she shuts down. this is pretty much textbook dissociation, imo.

point three: alters

i wanted to discuss this one later on because a lot of people tend to see cdds as just "alter disorders" and i wanted to point out some other aspects of the disorder first. that being said, though... sanya not being a singular person is kind of blatantly obvious.

the girl on the right is the sanya that we all know and love. the girl on the left? that... is not sanya. like pretty blatantly so. i'm gonna call her sasha, for ease of reading.

sasha and sanya are pretty clearly different, both visually and in terms of personality. i'll point out the differences.

sasha:

glasses

hair down

typically wearing that fuckass "just escaped gym class" fit from false disposition

seems to be less rebellious than sanya, is fine just staying inside and doing what sergei says

kind of a wimp

sanya:

contacts

ponytail

usually wearing her gopnik fit and has her tshirt sleeves rolled up

rebellious and aggresive, doesnt listen to sergei

not a wimp

they are different people within the same body who go by different names and even interact with each other mentally. they are literally alters

closing statement

[heartbeatbookclub]

I was looking at a few posts about autism (as one does) and it just suddenly clicked into place a fundamental thing about Yuri's character that I'd been grasping at, but hadn't really been able to adequately identify. I still have a much longer and more thorough analysis going through a whole lot of my thoughts on Yuri's character and her experience of autism that i'm working on (of which this will likely be a component), but I thought I'd share this separately just to emphasize.

Post I saw which made this click for me was making fun of the fact that most media depicting impaired empathy in autistic characters explicitly depicts them with this unflappable confidence of never having been rejected by people they love. The crux of this is that in actual reality, autistic people almost always have that experience at some point, for some behavior, for reasons they don't really understand. "There is an invisible line where people will get sick of you, and you have no warning of when you're about to cross it." So frequently, autistic people attempt to ride a razor thin edge, walking on constant eggshells to desperately attempt to avoid crossing that line.

Very often autistic people will attempt to avoid doing anything at all which could be considered weird, or off-putting, and will try their absolute hardest to do things in a way that is acceptable to other people, sometimes to the point of outright suppressing their emotions, because they are afraid that they'll say something just wrong enough that the people they care about will push them away, and they don't understand WHY it happened, but they know it's THEIR fault. Sometimes masking is fighting to appear aloof all the time because you can't regulate your emotions in a way that is acceptable to other people.

And holy fucking Jesus, that fits the exact mold of what I've been trying to talk about with the particular way Yuri's anxieties manifest.

It really feels to me like Yuri has this constant fear of breaking the "rules" of socializing, despite not really understanding what those rules even are. She's constantly afraid of saying something wrong, when she doesn't even know what wrong would be, she's just sure everyone ELSE will know it when they hear it. I think a huge part of her social anxiety comes from her own understanding of herself as a very weird person who doesn't really get a lot of how to socialize, and it seems to me like she's probably dealt with her fair share of social rejection and isolation based on those traits. She then felt she had to take responsibility for those traits, probably because it's the one thing she can change, and she is the one common denominator in all of these bad situations (This is something which is pretty common, actually! "Everyone else can socialize just fine, and I have so much difficulty with it! I must just be broken in some way. I have to try super hard to be normal to make friends!")

I think a big part of why it's so apparent in the Literature Club is because she really thinks she's found a place where she can make friends in spite of all of her issues, so when she starts...being herself, and receives even the smallest HINT of pushback, she overcorrects and tries to rein all of herself in to fix her "mistake", because she really wants to make friends here, and doesn't want them to reject her as well.

She's had this experience of others pushing her away for being weird so often that, coupled with her acknowledged trouble for reading situations, when anybody responds poorly to something and she recognizes it, she immediately overcorrects out of fear of being an annoying burden to everyone around her, and that "correction" consists of suppressing herself into being "normal" (or at least "less weird"), because she believes nobody could actually like her just for being who she is. There's something wrong with her fundamentally, and to make friends, for people to like her and want to be around her, she has to "fix" herself.

it's just, like...

it's really hard for me to interpret Yuri's character that doesn't involve her being somewhere on the spectrum, bros. she's written with such delicately constructed autistic coding, despite the appearance of just being a hackneyed weird girl visual novel trope. she deserves the world.......

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

Have you seen this very long post on why Stark was completely right in CW? I understand you enjoy picking these types of metas apart

tumblr.com/protect-anthony-edward-stark/654070608511041536/as-some-people-seem-to-not-understand-or?source=share

Wow, I hadn't seen it and it's uh... well, it's really something. 🤦‍♀️ That's a long-ass post and this is a long-ass answer, so more after the cut.

Posts like this one really prove that the Accords propaganda worked on a lot of fans, the word "safety" is uttered a few times in there as if those documents had any intention of keeping people "safe" from the Avengers or the enhanced. At this point I wonder, do these fans consider the enhanced as "people" at all?

It is quite scary that some are so quick to give up on freedom in order to gain in security, especially when these exact words are something Zola says in TWS. That guy was Hydra, folks.

Then, all that talk about Stark feeling guilty and blaming himself for everything... I do believe there might be some truth to that but that's just the thing, feeling guilty is free. If the result of all his actions is him going back to his luxury home and never having to pay for all his mistakes while those around him have to either go on the run as fugitives or serve time in jail or have to spend months in house arrest... what can I say, I'm gonna have a problem with that.

He felt responsible for that American kid's death, yes. What about Pietro though? What about the other Sokovians? There's a young woman in the team who lost her brother and her home that day... did he ever care about that?

It's interesting that OP mentions Steve having to go outside the law to find Bucky, but of course they don't mention he's forced to do that because the American government, the same that tried to force the team to sign the Accords, had sent the CIA to kill an innocent man on sight despite having no actual evidence of a crime. And regarding Stark offering "medical care" to Bucky in the US... why is Stark even offering that in the first place? What authority does he have to do that? He's not an Avenger anymore, he's a civilian, he had no power to suggest such a thing, he was talking out of his ass.

Also, suggesting to someone that they sign a document and only after that those papers can be modified is a scam. Anyone who has ever signed a contract knows that, it's not difficult to understand.

But there's something that I have read so many times and I still don't understand: "At this moment Steve was close to signing". No, he wasn't? He was listening to Stark trying to understand the situation, but I never saw him thinking about signing. What these stans misread is that Steve was NEVER against accountability, if anything he's the one who was completely game with that. It's Stark the one trying to direct the blame for his actions elsewhere. So of course Steve was going to listen if presented with a chance to get some accountability... the problem is he understood full well the Accords were NOT that.

Regarding Wanda, it's kind of infuriating to read that she was locked up in a luxurious facility so why is she complaining. Well, maybe because that house arrest was illegal? Because it was trumping her civil rights? Because Stark had no authority to do such a thing? Also, it's funny that OP says Stark had Vision with her because he knew she liked him -- he chose Vision because he's the most powerful one.

And I don't see how Stark could possibly protect her from the blame she might receive when she was being blamed for Lagos way before Ross showed up with the Accords. That incident is the reason she was locked up despite the fact that she saved everyone on that street. We're okay with locking up the heroes for a crime committed by the villains? I sure as hell I'm not.

Regarding Peter, OP says Stark took time to get to know him before "recruiting" him. Yeah, he took time to realize Peter was ideologically on Steve's side at which point he deliberately chose to withhold the reason why they were fighting, he lied to Peter and took him out of the country without informing his legal guardian. But hey, he was a 15-year-old kid, it's not problematic at all. "He wanted to keep him safe". You know how you keep that kid safe? At his own home and not in a fight in a German airport.

OP: "It's better to stay together as a team than go outside the law". Nope. Not at all. Not like this. Not when signing those Accords take the civil rights of a good portion of the population and half the team. What does "stay together as a team" even mean? At this point you gotta ask yourself why do the Avengers exist at all?

Then OP claims Stark "tried to avoid the fight" in the airport, which is kinda funny considering he refused to listen to Steve and he's the one who started the fight, and then this gem: "Team Cap goes against the law, ignores 117 countries, and tears the team apart."

Yeah... and why? Steve tells them about Zemo but does Stark and his team care? Nope. And at that point we all thought he was going to use those Winter Soldiers to his advantage, so yeah they were forced to go outside the law.

As an aside, all this "go outside the law" is said so many times, it's kinda weird. Are we back to the thought that if something is made law that means it's morally right? Surely we know better than that, yes?

Then, the Raft. So Stark "didn't know" they would be kept in a prison such as that but the same guy who hacked the helicarrier not two minutes after arriving in it in The Avengers doesn't have a damn second to get his ex-teammates out of the Raft? He didn't tell Steve about it either, how long were Clint, Sam, Wanda and Scott there? He cared oh so much according to OP... well, he sure as hell didn't show it.

But of course, we reach the point where OP says Steve knew it had been Bucky who killed the Starks. I think there's enough meta on this site to prove that's a lie and Steve had no way of knowing it had been Bucky, but I want to point out this scene OP includes in their post:

They claim this is proof Steve knows, but what I see here is Steve trying to put the focus on himself and his so-called "lies" in order to take the spotlight off of Bucky and have Stark focus on him. Because they know each other and at that point maybe Steve thinks he wouldn't attack him - and he knows in which state Bucky is. He's trying to protect him, this is not an admission of guilt.

Oh and, OP claims Steve and Bucky attack Stark? Nope, he's the one who attacks first. But OP is right, Stark does return home after he almost had an innocent man killed. No consequences at all, as per freaking usual.

Look, I won't deny Stark had a lot of issues and I think IM3 did a pretty good job with that. But the thing with this guy is... he's not well. He's supposed to be a morally grey character who makes mistakes and is amazingly flawed and the only way his character can develop and evolve and improve is if everyone around him calls him out on his shit, if he pays for his actions and he understands what he has done wrong. But the MCU right post-AoU decided no one would ever do that and he would be framed forever as 100% right, so we ended up with a character who never learned a damn thing, continued making the same mistakes over and over again, had the gall to call others out while having his own actions swept under the rug and he got a heroic death scene in EG and a funeral and tributes in other movies whereas other characters, mostly Natasha, were completely put aside like they were nothing.

That kind of treatment gets him so damn close to villain territory... which is a shame because he shouldn't be there. But alas... Phases 1-3 were the Stark Cinematic Universe, unfortunately.

[luna-rainbow]

Digging this out of my old drafts:

There is a strange poetic parallel (or poetic irony, depending on your point of view) in what Peggy says to Steve as he mourns Bucky, and what Steve says back to her when she pleads with him not to tank the plane.

Peggy: It wasn't your fault. Steve: (If you read the report) You know that's not true. Peggy: Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him? Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice.

Peggy: Please don't do this. We have time. We can work it out. Steve: (...) Peggy, this is my choice.

I mean, firstly, this is textual proof that Bucky's last act was a conscious choice to protect Steve. Secondly, the bitter irony of that line once you take into consideration what follows - of Hydra, enabled by SHIELD, stripping away the dignity of Bucky's choice (as well as his ability to make a choice).

But Steve's pointed wording is...interesting. Even in the kindest of readings, he is using her own words against her. During a time when she's upset and vulnerable, he uses the exact words she gave him when he was upset and vulnerable. "Give me the dignity of my choice," he tells her while dismissing her appeal to consider other options.

And it makes me wonder what exactly did Steve feel when Peggy said that to him. Bucky didn't board the train planning to die, and he didn't protect Steve with the intention to die. Death was a risk, but it was far from the explicit choice that Steve was making here which (as far as he was concerned) equated to certain death.

Had it really been a comfort to Steve to hear that Bucky should be the one to take the brunt of the responsibility as "the dignity of his choice"? When that hadn't been the explicit choice he made? Did those words really serve to alleviate his guilt when both of them knew the only reason Bucky made the choice was for him?

In the end, Steve wasn't allowed the dignity of his choice when he woke up in the 21st century...and he would learn, to his horror, neither was Bucky.

[lizardtakesflight]

"I do not know what I'm supposed to say when people clearly want me to feel properly apologetic/chastened."

I work closely with my sister in the same office. She is on the autism spectrum, and she said this to me today when she found out someone was not happy with part of her performance. We sometimes have conversations about things she struggles with as a neurodivergent person interacting with neurotypical coworkers or colleagues, so I figured that it was a good time to take off my Older Sibling hat and put on the Job Coach one.

Typically, an emotionless or brief "okay" is not sufficient when people point out a mistake, or something they perceive to be a mistake. It does not come across as an acknowledgment of understanding. In a work environment, that is going to come across as too passive and dismissive, especially since A) they probably don't know you well enough to understand how you express yourself and B) you may actually have a problem with communicating when you don't understand.

This is something my sister and I have talked about this before, where I would get angry and say: "Do you actually understand or are you just saying okay to make me drop it?" (It's usually the latter, but we're working on better ways to have that conversation.)

I personally had to learn the right response to criticism and make sure to stay mindful of it.

In a work environment, whether you think you're wrong or not, you:

1. Apologize: "I'm sorry about that."

2. Explain your thought process in the case that there was a true miscommunication or misunderstanding, keeping it very brief so that it doesn't sound like you're trying to make an excuse.

3. State what you will do differently going forward, or give a solution.

It's going to be frustrating to admit to wrong-doing if you truly don't believe you did. And maybe you really didn't! That's not really the point of this specific kind of interaction, though: it's a way to open communication in a work dynamic. I am not saying this is something you need to apply to your whole life, but can make a lot of things so much easier. Sometimes being able to move forward is more important than being right.

For example, when I started at my current job, I went crazy ordering office supplies. One of my coworkers in accounting came up to talk to me about it, so I said: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how big an issue that was. Going forward, I can send you a list of the things we need to order, so you can tell me if you think it's unnecessary or we already have that thing. Does that seem appropriate?" That let us avoid an awkward or upsetting interaction.

In short: apologize, explain, give a solution. it's really simple, but very effective, you just have to stay calm and remember. I don't think most people either know how to do it, or if they do, they're not conscious of doing it. It does tend to pacify people, and sometimes even get them to admit if they did something incorrectly themselves.

I can remember the exact moment I figured it out. I did something to upset a coworker, and even though I did not think I did anything wrong, I went to her and apologized, taking those steps. That calmed her down and got her to concede that she was in the wrong as well, and we were able to constructively discuss the problem. In discussing it, I was also able to then see where I could have done things better in the first place. We were able to move forward effectively instead of separately stewing in our feelings and leaving the problem unsolved.

If you're reading this and thinking that it's all very obvious, great! You probably have a much easier time communicating than some people do, and that's a very good skill to have.

If you're reading this thinking "what the hell, why did nobody ever explain this", it's okay. There is nothing wrong with not just instinctively picking up on these things, and I know how hard it can be to try to learn things that other people seem to just implicitly understand. It just takes a little more work to learn, but once you get in the habit of doing these things, a lot of situations can go much more smoothly for you.

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

Amidst the Waves (His POV)

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Expect grammatical errors.

No matter how much people talk about bonds, when push comes to shove, they will betray each other.

I know all too well the fragility of trust.

Drake: "You really can smile and say you don’t mind being betrayed, huh?"

The words I blurted out sounded detached and chilling, even to myself.

Despite having her promise broken by the child she helped, Mitsuki still chose to believe in her.

Mitsuki: "Did I say something weird?"

Drake: "Nah, it's probably just the way you see things. I can't understand it, though."

(It's just a promise with a kid. It's not something worth getting worked up about.)

Mitsuki's excessive tolerance and kindness were things I found hard to believe.

Drake: "For me, betrayal meant death."

Drake: "There was the risk of dying from betraying and the danger of being killed in retaliation for betraying. No matter which side I stand on, death is always close by."

Drake: "I can't read people's hearts no matter what they say, and even if I believe them, you never know when they'll turn on you."

Drake: "I don't have the time or the ability to consider the other person's circumstances."

The lights of the city were reflected on the surface of the water beyond my gaze.

With each ripple, the flickering lights and shadows swayed gently, never truly intersecting.

Drake: "If I betray someone, I do it with the understanding that I may die. If I'm betrayed, I'll chase the other person to the ends of the earth for revenge."

Drake: "If I can't achieve revenge, I'll curse the whole world like a sailor wishing for destruction on an eternal voyage."

I could feel Mitsuki's surprise slightly in the air.

(You and I have lived in different worlds and have different values.)

(To me, you seem unbelievably naive and sweet.)

Mitsuki, who innocently loved this world and believed in others without thinking of herself, was like a newborn deer who knew nothing of the impurities of the world.

She remained silent for a while, but eventually she uttered something unexpected.

Mitsuki: "I chose to believe because I wanted to believe. You're the one who made me want to follow through on that feeling."

Drake: "Me?"

She nodded in response to my puzzled expression.

Mitsuki: "Don't you remember? You invited me on a boat before, just like today, and listened to me."

Mitsuki: "You said that living in a way that goes against my own wishes is the real betrayal.”

Mitsuki: "When you said that to me, it made me realize that I shouldn't betray my own feelings."

(Ahh…)

------------Flashback------------

Drake: "If you're always thinking about those people and sacrificing your desires, you'll miss out on life."

Drake: "In that case, you should choose the path you believe in."

Drake: "In my opinion, living in a way that goes against your own wishes is the real betrayal."

---------Flashback Ends--------

(I did say that.)

Mitsuki: "When you said that to me, it made me realize that I shouldn't betray my own feelings."

Drake: ".........."

I was surprised.

Because Mitsuki spoke as if she had received support for her feelings.

I didn't intend to support her belief or anything, and yet...

(You took my words like that and turned them into support for your belief.)

Drake: "You really are a strange woman."

Mitsuki: "Huh?"

Drake: “I could never trust someone enough to be okay with being betrayed.”

Drake: “And yet, you started to think that way because of my words.”

Mitsuki: "Yeah."

(So, you're telling me that, despite our totally different worlds and values, I've somehow played a part in this?)

Drake: "I don't get it."

Drake: "Still, I'm amazed by your stubborn kindness."

Despite being truly and deeply astonished, for some reason, I reached out my hand to touch Mitsuki's cheek.

Mitsuki: "Drake?"

Drake: “I don’t know why, but despite your ridiculously naive thinking, I can’t ignore that you secretly feel sad behind that stubborn kindness.”

Mitsuki: ".........."

The soft cheeks I touched felt warm, like a place where the light shines.

Will this cheek be wet with tears the next time someone betrays her?

Or will she bravely laugh it off, even if she makes a fool of herself?

Believing is such a fragile emotion. It won't be a reliable lifeline.

(And yet it bothers me that she cries over its fragility.)

A faint desire of protectiveness and doubt towards the emotion of believing intersect unevenly, leading me to ask myself a question.

Does she truly never give up on believing, no matter what happens?

Afterward, she asked me if I had ever been betrayed by someone, and I briefly talked about a childhood memory of my first betrayal.

Once again, she said something unexpected, making me wonder what she was thinking.

Mitsuki: "Hey, Drake..."

Drake: "Hm?"

Mitsuki: "You may think that people are supposed to betray others, but no matter what, I won't betray you."

Drake: ".........."

Mitsuki: "I won't break promises or push you away."

Mitsuki: "So please try to believe in me."

Not only were her words devoid of any sense of self-interest, but Mitsuki's eyes were filled with an earnestness I'd never seen before.

Drake: "Mitsuki."

Drake: "Even if I were a villain trying to deceive you, would you still not betray me?"

Mitsuki: "I won't betray you. I don't want to betray you."

I couldn't help but wonder why she went to such lengths, so I couldn't resist asking. To my surprise, she answered right away.

Drake: "Ha...ha...ahahaha!"

I was laughing beyond disbelief.

She must be saying that without any ulterior motive. She's just as naive and straightforward as ever.

(She's really like a fawn.)

Mitsuki: "Drake?"

Drake: "No, sorry. Different people asked me to believe in them, but they all had excuses or were begging for their lives."

Drake: "You're the first one to ask me to believe without any benefit for yourself."

I laughed a bit and patted her head.

Drake: "Well, if you put it that way, I'll try believing in you."

Drake: "You won't betray me, and I'll believe in you. It's our promise."

Drake: "Like a pirate's code."

Mitsuki: "Okay! I promise."

While feeling somewhat dazzled by her pure smile, deep down, I was thinking.

(I want to test this woman.)

(Even if it goes against fate or the world, I want to uncover Mitsuki.)

Previous Part ╎ Masterlist ╎ Next Part

[uncertainwallflower]

As if I wasn’t about to run to your inbox for this ask game. You know I’m gonna be dropping the elevator scene from BTDATS!!!

“Hello.” He grit his teeth, jaw tensing and untensing as he searched for something to say. As they lurched into motion, first backwards then up, he settled on a pathetic half-truth. “I tried to get the grille for you.” ‘I thought about getting the grille for you but opted against it’ would have been more accurate, but never mind that.

She glanced at him, expression laughing. “That’s funny. I could’ve sworn I saw you not move a muscle.”

He could do nothing but smile sheepishly. “Sorry. What are you doing here?”

“In this elevator?”

“At the Ministry.”

“Oh.” Her eyes shifted away. “I’m here to see Timothy.”

James’s stomach clenched.

“Not because…Well, I think I, um.” Her eyes flitted back to his and once again he could see her weighing her words. And then, voice barely more than a breath, she said: “I don’t think I love him anymore.”

“Oh?”

The way I had to go deep-sea diving! into the archive to find which ask game this was for. Can't believe I forgot about (missed?) this ask. Eight months late is fine, right?

CUT THE CAMERAS. I drafted this months ago. It has now been eleven months and twenty-one days. But better late than never is a hill I will die on so!

To clarify, it was for this ask game from this chapter of BTDATS.

We begin.

James: Hello. I tried to get the grille for you. Lily: That’s funny. I could’ve sworn I saw you not move a muscle.

Okay, this actually happened 💀

So at work, we have this massive service elevator and, if my memory serves correctly, it was me and a coworker and then someone else in front of us (it's a sports stadium so there are lots of different people doing different things). We'd been waiting for a while for the elevator to come and, given the lack of people (it's normally pretty packed), we were probably running a little late, so when another person popped up at the end of the little foyer I remember thinking "hell no I ain't getting the doors for them" (I'm hellbound I know). Pookie In Front obviously had the same thought as me because they didn't get the door, but New Guy hauls ass and gets through in the nick of time. And what do you know? They know each other. CUE THE DIALOGUE. AHHHHH.

I don't remember the exact Real Life wording but it was definitely to this effect; Coworker and I were holding back laughter as we got off (thankfully on the very next level) and I immediately jotted it down in my notes app (I can't find the entry but it made it into the story so that's what matters).

Narrator: 'I thought about getting the grille for you but opted against it' would have been more accurate, but never mind that.

I really enjoy this cheeky morally grey narrator that has come out of BTDATS. It's uncommon for my narrators to interact with the reader, in fact, I think it's only happened in this fic and some non-fanfic stuff, but none so snarky as this one. Maybe it's the cynical nature of the fic (and the characters) that lends to his commentary, I'm not entirely sure. I also don't know if it comes across at all to readers. I can't recall it coming up in comments, but I know I enjoy it.

An inspiration is definitely Death in The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, which I haven't read since high school, but I remember finding it ingenious.

James: Sorry. What are you doing here? Lily: In this elevator? James: At the Ministry.

Lily is not that thick; she is playing dumb to avoid the question. That might be super clear already but I find it funny so have to make it super clear.

At the same time though, she is distracted by what she's about to do and flustered by running into James, so, in a way, it is a genuine response. It's both, okay? She can be multifaceted in a single line of dialogue.

We can go further into this and say she's avoiding the question (subconsciously or not) because she knows how easily she opens up to him. We haven't seen a lot of it yet, this scene is probably the best example so far but it will come up again and again in future chapters.

But ultimately her attempt is futile because it's James and he only has to challenge her (frankly) dense answer and (she can't help herself, ok?) she rises to the challenge. She fights herself over it but she tells him.

Old habits die hard!

We go into it with her in the following scene with these lines interspersed in a paragraph:

Why did you tell him that?  He didn’t need to know. It’s none of his business. I wanted him to know.

And this is the heart of the matter with Lily. Despite all her obstinance towards him, she wants James to be involved/aware/around etc. etc. etc.

James’s stomach clenched.

Need I expound? He's JEALOUS. The green-eyed monster has reared its head. And I love him for it.

“Not because…Well, I think I, um.” Her eyes flitted back to his and once again he could see her weighing her words. And then, voice barely more than a breath, she said: “I don’t think I love him anymore.”

It is definitely not a coincidence that she shows more emotion to James than she does Timothy. Voice breathy, eyes flitting about, uncertain in her word choice. This could be the first time she's said it out loud. Even admitted it to herself. She's nervous. A little excited? Scared? Wondering what his reaction/opinion will be, definitely.

By the time Tim confronts her she's sealed herself off to protect herself, but I'd say she's never been fully vulnerable with him. Maybe occasionally or to some degree, but she's kept parts of herself hidden to ensure their relationship runs smoothly. And, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's come crashing down around their heads.

The final thing I'll mention is the delayed second "Oh". I love love loooove to have them mimic each other. I'd say it's a mostly subconscious thing. Certainly a teasing thing. I'm sure there's some psychology someone could go into here but I just dig it. I like to think it shows their compatibility. They are two halves of a whole. They mirror each other, they oppose each other. They're PERFECT, okay?

They're also just contemplative bitches.

This was a lot of fun to write. It's my first commentary, I hope it was interesting! Thanks so much for sending in this scene, Ray. Sorry it took so long haha.

[gellavonhamster]

13 books meme

Tagged by @littlestsnicket (thank you ❤)

1) The Last book I read: One Piece Novel Heroines by Jun Esaka, which I've already been posting about enough not to elaborate here

2) A book I recommend: can I copy your homework plagiarize the answer to this from the person who tagged me? Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. I know a lot of people find it too long or just not their cup of tea, but it's one of my all-time favourites, one of those books that feel like they were written for me specifically, and I cannot help recommending it to others :)

3) A book that I couldn’t put down: I remember reading TFOTA #2 and #3 (The Wicked King and The Queen of Nothing by Holly Black) in a single day. I was feeling unwell, and it was cold outside anyway, so I just spent most of the day reading in bed. I recall being surprised by how engrossed I was - the first book of this series didn't grow on me until well into its second half.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more): I have this sideblog on Twitter where I post a quote from Dracula per day (yes, manually, I don't know how to make bots lol). I just move down the text and skim it and pick sentences that catch my eye, and when I reach the end, I start from the beginning again. So, in a way, I am constantly in the process of rereading Dracula

5) A book on my TBR: Chrétien de Troyes' Perceval and a bunch of its continuations, Lolly Willowes by Sylvia Townsend Warner

6) A book I’ve put down: the thing is, if I don't really enjoy a book but still can find a good thing or two about it, I will keep reading and hoping it will improve eventually, and if I don't enjoy a book at all, I forget about it as soon as I put it down. Out of sight, out of mind - unless I particularly hate it. When I try to think of any books of the latter kind, the first to come to my mind usually is A Discovery of Witches. I found the worldbuilding really interesting, but damn, the protagonists were so annoying that I wasn't going to struggle through that brick of a book for it.

7) A book on my wish list: I need to get a copy of The Bad Beginning, The Wide Window, and The Hostile Hospital, and then I'll have the entire ASOUE collected! Would also love to get any other Snicketverse books; I only have Poison for Breakfast - bought it literally last weekend. I could buy them online, of course, but: 1) I prefer to avoid online shopping if there is realistic possibility for me to come across that item offline; 2) accidentally stumbling onto these books in bookshops (especially second-hand ones) when I least expect them feels like such a right experience for this series that I am inclined to continue acquiring them that way.

8) A favorite book from childhood: Winnie-the-Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner... truly formative shit, responsible for at least 50% of my sense of humour

9) A book you would give to a friend: I was at my friend's place recently and noticed she had the exact same copy of Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury as I do. When I told her about it, she told me it was I who gave her that book (I forgot 🤦‍♀️) and that she loves it and rereads it almost every autumn :') So this one has definitely passed the test.

10) A book of poetry or lyrics that you own: I have a whole shelf full of poetry books, in fact. At least half of them weren't bought by me, but by my family members long before I was born, but presently all of them are considered mine :D Those that I bought myself include collections of poems by Christina Rossetti, Emily Dickinson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Oscar Wilde, and Marina Tsvetaeva, among other things. And Useless Magic by Florence Welch!

11) A nonfiction book you own: I stumbled upon The Republic of Pirates by Colin Woodard in the same second-hand bookshop where I bought all the parts of ASOUE I currently have and couldn't believe my luck - I really wanted to read it after watching Black Sails! It's great.

12) What are you currently reading: Tristan and Isolde. Restoring Palamede by John Erskine. Really enjoying it so far; it sort of demystifies/disenchants Arthuriana but without excessive cynicism, with the narrator being understanding, perhaps even compassionate, when describing the characters' very realistic, human flaws. Technically I'm also reading E. W. Hornung's short stories about Raffles and Bunny through the Letters from Bunny Substack, but it's more like "desperately trying to catch up and failing". The stories themselves are delightful, but I was right to suspect that this way of reading books is not for me.

13) What are you planning on reading next? Dracula in Istanbul (the Turkish translation/adaptation of Dracula), courtesy of @seawilde <3

tagging @afoxnamedmulder, @seawilde, @lefresne, @uupiic, and @snckt; as always, feel free to ignore if you don't want to answer :)

[romanarose]

Congrats again bb, and no pressure for this one if you’re overwhelmed but I think it’d be cute if we could pls see a scene (LaL) where one of them has like pre wedding jitters or something and how they deal with it

HI BABBYYYYYYYY

Jitters

Leather and Lace

Takes place after Take Your Time but before For the Longest Time. Before Laci and Santi go through their rough patch (which don't worry to anyone who read lal but not the others, they are totally okay.) Laci and Santi are engaged.

Warnings: Insecurity, references to Laci'spast sexual trauma, addiction, domestic violence, bad life before Santi. mentions of miscarriage and potential fertility troubles,

****************

Santi could always tell when Laci needed him. Always. Whether in person, away from each other, it didn't matter. Laci liked to say that's why he took the mission that lead him to her in the first place, he knew she needed him. Santi didn't believe in all that, but he did like that he had this intuition. Even when it woke him up.

"Ah!" Santi startles awake, eyes wide to find his pretty fiance staring at him. Lacina was propped up with her head on on her arm, just watching him, he Ghost Face night light illuminating her. "Jesus Lace, you scared me."

"Oh, so my face is scary, is it?" Laci teased with a smile.

"Nope, prettiest thing I've seen in my life" Santi pouted his lips.

Laci got the hint, leaning in to press a kiss to him.

"You aright, munaquita?"

She binked. "You really wanna marry me?"

Santi scoffed for a moment turning away to laugh, then he looked back. She was serious. "Laci, how can you ask that? We got engaged 2 weeks ago!" He pulled her onto his body. Laci was wearing shorts and a tank top with Santi's long sleeve from back in the jungle. Laci rested her head on her arms that she crossed ovr his chest. Santi liked when she laid on him, her body weight was a perfect comfort.

"No one's ever wanted to marry me before."

"That's because everyone stupid."

"What if I get bad again and we can't have sex"

"Lace, we've both made each other cum untouched."

"What if I can't have kids."

Santi's eyes widened at that. Not because having kids mattered more than her, but that she would suggest that. "Baby-"

"I might not! I miss carried when I was in-"

"Because they were starving and hurting you!"

"Well I lost my period for a year! Maybe I lost my chances!"

Santi pecked her cute little nose. "Doesn't matter. I drank so much back in the day, maybe I fucked shit up too."

"I don't think that's how it works."

"Don't matter. if we," Santi was sure to say we. He didn't want to place all the responsibility on her. "can't have kids, I still got you and that's what matters."

Laci's face scrunched up, thinking of all the reasons he may break up with her. "What if my body looks really weird after a baby"

"Then I'll love your weird body just as much as I love your body now." Which is a lot. He squeezed her ass for good measure.

"What if I go vegan"

"I'll eat meat at Frankie's house."

"What if I decide to get like, really into horoscopes. Like, a lot."

"I'll find my birth certificate and get you the exact time and place I was born."

"What if I wanna name our baby something really bad like... McBreighleigh"

Santi laughed, but answered. "Then in a few years you'll hear me yelling "Brin! It's time for pre-school"

"What if Yovanna comes back."

Oh.

Santi frowned. "Wha- Lace..." He tucked a lock of her fine hair behind her large ears. Where's that coming from?

She shrugged, looking away. "I dunno..."

"Laci..." Santi gently guided her face to him. "C'mon."

Laci sighed, but looked back at him. "Ben told me you talked to her the week you found me... Why didn't you tell me that..."

Ah. "Sweetheart... I didn't mean to keep it a secret... but we don't... we don't talk about our dating past..." They didn't. They each new the basics. Santi knew that every man she dated used her for money or sex or something to take their anger out on. She didn't like talk about her long history of addiction, sexual trauma and abuse with him. She had her therapist, and Santi was there any time she needed. He knew some stories, he knew the worst of things of course. He wanted to know so he could learn how to not trigger her. He didn't know her full history. If he wanted to, she could tell him. It didn't seem like she wanted too.

Likewise with Santi, Laci knew the basics. She knew she was the first serious girlfriend he'd ever had. He'd dated, even lived with women before, but it was all pretty casual. Yovanna was the first time things had gone deeper. Santi admitted yeah, he had loved her, but she wasn't Laci. After Colombia, Santi had visited her and her brother in Austrelia, a solice for a few weeks after the horrors... but Santi needed to be near his friends. Benny's drinking and fighting was becoming unmanageable for Will alone, and Jana had broken up with Frankie, leaving him a coparent, but with a raging coke addiction. Santi had to be there for him and for his daughter. The last time Yovanna and him had talked was a few days before he found Laci. She didn't want much contact, still fearing Lorea's men and all the drug lords whose money they burned.

"She was just checking in, Lace. She doesn't want me. I don't want her."

She was silent for a moment. "I don't get it."

"Get what?"

Laci sat up straddling his chest. She squished his cheeks. "How anyone could not want you." She was smiling now, and Santi was smiling back, squeezing her thighs.

"Miss Lacina, it doesn't matter if she did want me, I got you, mi chica perfecta, ella sol de mi dias, mi todos. I don't want anything else."

"Even a woman who looks like a super model with normal sized ears and doesn't drown in a 5" pool?"

"PPPSSSHHH" Santi scoffs. "Being tall is overrated. I got the prettiest girl in the world right here."

Laci grinned at that, hopping off him and scrambled back into bed. Getting under the covers, Laci nudges him onto his side and wraps and arm around him. becoming Santi's big spoon (or his lil backpack, as Santi called it.)

"You okay now, munequita?"

He felt her nod against his neck, then give him a kiss. "yeah. Can you just like, remind me you still love me and didn't secretly get tired of me every now and then?"

"Yeah, Miss Lacina." Santiago interlaced his fingers with hers. "I'll remind you every day."

*******************

Thank you guys!!!!

This is for my 2000 followers celebration, but ima tag a few people fron the original LaL days, some of you have been here with me since before 500 followers, a year and a half ago!

For those who didn't keep up with the other series, Laci and Laci are married now, and Laci is preggo with their son <3

@pimosworld @miraclesabound @poeedameronn @itspdameronthings @bensolosbluesaber @whatthefishh @kirstydreaming @missdictatorme

[lines-we-cross]

Gimple said at NYCC this year there is a plan to merge all the spinoffs into one show..

Remember Melissa got sidelined last year because Gimple needed to use a solo DD show to set up the return of Rick?

Confirmed at NYCC by Nicotero when he said they couldn't use Carol for s1 because Daryl needed to GROW as a person on his own,so when Carol and Daryl reunite it will have an bigger impact.

You also had Gimple say it was Norman's ide to move the whole spinoff to France,something that caught Norman completely of guard. Reasons why Norman was quick to say it was Melissa's ide to. The memory of last years backlash is still very fresh in his mind,not something he wants to revist and especially when he and Melissa have managed to fix the broken pieces in their relationship. Throwing Norman under the bus is Gimple's way of washing his hands of all the responsibility he has for the backlash/drama/financial lost AMC got last year.

Gimple doesn't care about Norman/Daryl or Melissa/Carol, all he ever cared about was Rick. Andy is Gimple's boy,always have been. Gimple is petty as hell,so by putting his main competition on the sideline.Meaning Kang/Melissa and the much anticipated Caryl spinoff. He gets to shine on his own...

Gimple said they where going to film DD durring summer,knowing full well Kang could not participate since she had other obligations with projects she was set to work on durring that time period.

This gives Gimple the perfect excuse he needs to replace Kang with another Showrunner,and to sideline half of his competition.

After Zabel was announced as the new showrunner,Gimple postponed DD filming for 7 months.

Then you have Melissa,she got sidelined because they needed a solo season of DD to let Daryl GROW as a person on his own,so he could be OPEN for the possibility of a potensielle romance with Carol.

If this isn't the biggest fucking horseshit of an excuse i have ever read,I don't know what is.

Melissa got sidelined so the Boys could play,by removeing the other half of his competition and postponing the Caryl spinoff a year. The excitement for the mutch anticipated spinoff cools down a lot,but then we have Carol return and the excitement starts to build again. Now we are being told by Gimple and company the move to France was all Norman's ide,it's his concept,his creative input that guides the direction of DD s1. So Melissa getting sidelined,the nun shipbate all came from Norman.That's what Gimple wants you to believe,by going with that narrative it reminds the fandom of why they got pissed at Norman in the first place.Why some are still angry and blames him for Melissa getting sidelined,and maybe if you remind them just enough,they will not tune in for s2. Gimple knows exactly what he is doing, s2 The Book of Carol is in direct competition with TOWL. He needs his show to do better,like I said Gimple is petty as hell.

Gimple was a part of DD s1,but he has no part in s2. Could it be because he got removed by AMC?

Melissa got rightfully pissed when she got sidelined,her spinoff got pushed back a year. Not to mention her costar/bff just went along with it without takeing a stand for her or their show. Same show they worked so hard on,same show that was in the process of finalizing their last scripts for s1 before they got tossed aside. Anyone suprised Melissa told TPTB to fuck off, that she would NOT be a part of DD? Knowing Melissa she probably didn't use those exact words,it's hard to be in a spinoff when you can't even stand to be in the same room with your costar. What we saw at SDCC was Melissa acting her part and being a professional

We know Melissa was still a hard no at SDCC in July,the first week of September Melissa spoke to EW and said Carol had more story to tell.

It's an easyer sell for AMC to get Melissa back if you remove Gimple from DD,not to mention giveing her the same creative control over her character and a role as an Executive Producer like her costar have. That makes for a more attractive offer,then just returning to status quo with Gimple still at the helm.

AMC said a while back that Gimple will be producing new episodes of Tales,that's Gimple's consolation prize. Tales a show that flopped,and was heavely criticized by fans as well as critics for not delivering good stories.

Karma never tasted so good...

2024 can't come fast enough...

Imagine all the Caryl promotion for The Book of Carol ❤❤❤

[opinated-user]

I really can’t believe that I never noticed just how often Lily likes to act like she’s somehow FORCED to answer anon asks that she doesn’t want to or make her look bad. It’s such a manipulative, scummy thing for her to do. She has absolutely no filter for herself, CHOOSES to put up all sorts of terrible/very incriminating things on her Tumblr and up for her Patreon Video votes, and than acts fucking shocked when many other people have a fucking problem with them! Lily is in complete control of what she says/puts up for voting on her Tumblr Blog and Patreon, but wants none of the ACCOUNTABILITY that comes along with that control. It’s such an extremely self-absorbed, egotistical mindset for somebody to have, and even worse that LO has purposefully geared her content towards attracting the most vulnerable people possible. The exact fucking OPPOSITE of the type of people who somebody (like LILY) should be this fucking reckless and uncaring around!!

it reminds me to her "i didn't say that sugar was a nazi sympathizer, but if you got to that conclusion with the skewed and twisted version of this story that i gave you i wouldn't blame you either". she wants to be able to say those words, to do those things, but she doesn't want to be responsible for it so it has to be someone else fault, never hers. which also makes her look just like a child, defenseless and with no agency at all. not really the best of looks for a woman who is past 30 already.

this is the amount of messages i have sitting on my askbox right as we speak. many of them are things i want to keep there, some of them are asks i missed because i was busy with life and now are outdated and some of them talk about stuff i prefer not to publish at all. (yes, i know, one day i should cleaned it up, but that's not the point now) i have absolute control for what happens on my blog. every post, every word, anything that happens on it is always my entire responsibility. nobody can force me to answer an ask i don't want or talk about something i don't want. that's not possible. i'm in fact an adult and can handle my own tumblr blog without infantilizing myself to avoid accountability. so when LO tries to pull the act "i can't help it if my audience wants to talk about incest and give me their incest stories in which they had relationships with their siblings (it's always siblings, how topical!*), but it's okay somehow and i never react negatively to the incest!", i look at that number of asks and know that she's full of it. worse, she's so trusting on her audience being absolute devoid of critical thinking that she thinks they'll believe instantly that she is, in fact, just a innocent little kid who has no choice but to answer every incest ask that she gets. she just can't help it. the anons force her hand every time, don't you feel sorry for her? well, no, i don't.

*watch it change into cousins or something else the moment i publish this. i know you have been reading, LO, hi.

[milekael]

🧡 for FMA please!!!

What is a popular (serious) theory you disagree with?

WELL most prominently it is the idea that Roy and Riza have the exact same goal at the end of the series? Help idunno how to explain this well, but basically I don't like the idea that at the end of the series they are "Aiming to die after the trials" or something similar.

Now something I was discussing with a friend the other day that I really like is how the whole trials deal is left more in the air because really they can take any shape or form and what thematically matters is that they are trying to enact some sense of justice. HOWEVER the series does make its very strong case towards Restorative Justice.

Exactly after Riza ends up telling Edward about Ishval and her and Roy's plan, there is an scene of Knox who is visited by his family after he used his doctor knowledge to save a life instead of taking it, and he wonders if is okey for him to enjoy a cup of coffee with his family. I BELIEVE THIS IS A VERY CLEAR MESSAGE I would even argue is a direct response to the questions Riza brought up. Plus there is the whole bit at the end that talks about how they are working and rebuilding Ishval by making a railroad between it and Xing thanks to his connections to the New Emperor, improving Amestris' international relationship. So there is that.

So it is very weird when I see the fandom really going into the whole "They can never be happy or forgiven" and "They decide to keep on their suffering and self flagellation even after PD" because 😭then What Was The Point there is no message no progress. It really feels like torture porn at that point where it all centers on guilt when FMA is a very optimistic work that also does offer you responses to it's questions. Idunno I guess more than a theory is an interpretation of the whole work that makes me go ????? but when put in a lot of fandom conversations where people jump in to argue this point or when it becomes very prominent on fanfics it becomes very very annoying lol. It makes me go Did We Read The Same Series mood dfghj

[letssendacountrysomecupcakes]

So I got dumped yesterday for saying I believe that transfemmes do experience male privilege pre-transition. My ex did not give me a chance to expand on that belief *at all*, just got triggered and decided I'm unsafe.

I'm going to expand those views here because I genuinely think I'm approaching the topic pretty reasonably and at this point I need to get the processing I've been doing written down.

First off, let me say that my opinion here comes EXCLUSIVELY from transfemmes I've talked to over the years as well as my own experiences with transmasc erasure. (My ex claimed that ALL of the transfemmes I know who've said that they've experienced male privilege only think that because of "internalized transmisogyny" while simultaneously refusing to engage with any of my experiences with erasure that are *specifically* things that happen bc of the learned behaviors inspired by the external factors of male privilege and socialization.)

The actual line that I have on this is that male privilege is an *external* force, not an internal one. It is entirely based in how you're perceived and how *others* interact with you based on that perception. It is based in the *societal and systematic* benefits someone receives based on the fuckin gender marker on your ID.

I absolutely do not think that that means transfemmes *interact* with male privilege in the same way as any c*s person, especially pre-transition. I do not think the *effects* of that privilege are the same and in almost every case it's going to be extremely complex and nuanced based on the individual. I *do* believe that, because that external force is applied *constantly* from a very young age, some aspects of that force can and often do come through even after transitioning.

Part of this being so upsetting for me is that it sounds like a rehashing of the "gendered socialization doesn't exist" argument that was going around here in like 2016 and is apparently resurfacing again. As far as I remember, when that argument stopped because the people who were pushing the conversation were outed as t*rfs who'd been posing as queer teens. The intent was to confuse the community and divide the younger and older trans folx.

The argument that gendered socialization doesn't exist (which, as far as I can tell, is the same argument as "transfemmes never experience male privilege) is laughably dichotomous at best and harmful at worst.

On the dichotomous end, we have someone who talks *frequently* about missing out on "being raised as a girl". If that person also does not believe in gendered socialization, they have the belief that they were also "not raised as a boy". Unless you come from a family or culture that has a third option or treats their kids the *exact* same (unlikely), you were fuckin raised in a way that was distinctly *gendered*.

That can transition to the harmful end *very* easily simply by not processing, analyzing, and questioning your learned behaviors. My ex spent the whole conversation calling me misogynistic and denying/devaluing my friends' experiences. She also very specifically made all of her points while simultaneously telling me I wasn't allowed to respond. At the point that I said, "Hey, I can't keep getting messages tangentially related to this when I'm not allowed to respond so I'm going to respond to a couple things, please keep your boundaries in any way that makes you feel safe", she immediately reengaged herself into the conversation fully, sent 3 messages - one of which was the dismissal of my friends' experiences, and blocked me.

I want to make it very clear that I put my responses under a break, specifically so she wouldn't have to read them immediately. I cannot be the one to enforce *her* boundary that *she* was repeatedly breaking. At the point that someone tells me they want a break from a conversation, I say okay and don't fucking respond until they do. I got two additional texts from her, both of which emphasized her points while continuing to disallow me from rejoining the conversation.

If that ain't the EXACT shit I've dealt with for my entire fucking life 🙄