#well chosing everything else together will be hard too. these projects are challenging

[meliohy]

Cohousing is becoming more popular. I visited a farm that was being transformed in multiple houses for cohousing and chatted with the people who joined the project to live there. Usually they're friendly people who like to talk about their cohousing project so it's likely you could find this type of place to visit too. It's good to learn more about the challenges you may face when you start this kind of life project.

Good to note that in a lot of these projects the group didn't know each other before. They met because they wanted to do cohousing around the same place and got along well enough to try. So even if you think none of your friends would be interested you can still find other people

[wonderful-writes]

Presume

Pairing: Tom Riddle x Fem!Reader

Summary: Tom thinks you’re too pretty to be any good at academics. You can imagine his shock when he’s proven wrong.

Word Count: 2k (2,097)

Author’s Note: The idea for this fic was given to me by @bellaswansrealgf. It was such a fun topic to write, so thank you so much bae for coming up with the idea! I’ll definitely be using more of your suggestions in the future.

Tom Riddle found himself becoming increasingly irritated. How could Professor Slughorn possibly expect him to work with a partner? What kind of fool did Slughorn think he was? Tom was perfectly capable of completing his project himself, and it was rather insulting for his professor to assign someone to help him. And not just anyone. Slughorn had assigned you.

You, the pretty girl, were in no capacity an ideal partner. You were friendly and charming and surely too bubble-headed to know a thing about potions. You were probably irritating and selfish and vain, too. Tom would have rather been partnered up with the clown from Gryffindor than with you.

“Tom, right?” you asked as you took a seat next to him. You were dressed in neat robes and had nicely styled hair. You probably spent all morning on it.

“Yes,” he replied curtly without so much as a glance your way. He began flipping his textbook to the desired page and scanning it with his eyes.

“I’m Y/N,” you introduced.

Tom ignored you as he continued to read the page.

“So, what kind of potion do you think we should make?” you asked him, opening your own book.

Once again, Tom didn’t bother to look up or respond.

“Hello?” you tried again.

He let out an exasperated sigh. “Listen, I know potions is probably not your area of expertise, so it’s best if you just sit there and let me work.”

“Excuse me?” you asked, surprised at how this stranger could claim to already know you without having ever spoken to you. “How would you know if I’m not good at potions?”

Tom scoffed. “If you haven’t noticed, you don’t exactly look like you’d be much of an academic.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you questioned, starting to get offended.

“Well, I’m the best in the class,” Tom said like it was the most natural thing to come out of his mouth. “Professor Slughorn probably sent you here so that I could babysit you. You can’t be any good if you need me as a mentor.”

“I don’t need you as a mentor,” you told him. “Professor Slughorn wanted us to work together for this assignment.”

“Like I said,” he replied, turning back to his book, “maybe you should let me handle the assignment.”

You were beyond aggravated. How could someone who barely knows you make such assumptions about you? You were more than adept in potions, and it was unfair of him to shut you down without letting you prove your skills.

“You realize this assignment is worth 25% of our grade, don’t you?” you asked him as you crossed your arms.

 “Precisely,” he answered. “Which is why I won’t let you mess it up.”

You had never met a more arrogant person.

“If you’re going to be this way,” you declared, “I’ll just ask Slughorn if I can work alone. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience the great Tom Riddle.”

Tom breathed a sigh of relief as you packed your belongings and walked away. You were attractive, sure, but you were also annoying. He was glad to be rid of anyone who didn’t let him take charge.

Slughorn allowed the two of you to work separately. To Tom’s approval, you set up your station far away from his. He almost pitied you. It couldn’t be easy for someone like you to complete an entire project by yourself. People like you only cared about their appearances or what the latest gossip was. There was no way you could make any of the complicated potions on the list of options for the assignment without help.

~

By the end of the week, Slughorn had finished grading the students’ potions and their accompanying essays. Tom, ever so confident in his abilities, was shocked when he didn’t receive a perfect score.

“What did I do wrong, Professor?” he asked after class had been dismissed. “I could have sworn I didn’t miss anything.”

“You forgot to crush the bay leaves before you put them in,” Slughorn explained. “But not to worry, my boy. You chose a highly complex concoction. It is almost guaranteed that any student who attempts to recreate it will forget at the very least one step.”

“Did anyone else choose that potion?” Tom wondered.

Slughorn nodded with a twinkle in his eye.

“And did anyone get it right?” Tom asked. He was doubtful that anyone in the class could have succeeded at something he failed to perfect, but it didn’t hurt to ask.

“That’s for me to know, my boy,” the teacher answered. Seeing the frustrated look on Tom’s face, he chuckled and added, “Just know that you shouldn’t judge your partners so prematurely.”

Tom spent the majority of the night ruminating on Slughorn’s words. Could it be that you were the student who had gotten the perfect score on the potion he had attempted? He refused to believe it. Slughorn must have been referring to another student, one that Tom was paired with in the past. You couldn’t possibly be the partner in question.

~

It had been weeks since Tom came in second for the first time in his life. He convinced himself that it couldn’t have been you who bested him. Of course, he speculated who the true victor could be, but he couldn’t put his finger on who in the class could be worthy of such high marks.

Eventually, the time came for the annual examination preparation. Professor Slughorn’s students were assigned a series of practice exams to help them prepare for the actual ones. Each practice test focused on a different area within potions, and it was the students’ job to be well-versed in all of them.

At the beginning of every week, a new practice exam was passed out, and the grades for the previous week’s exam was posted on a roster at the front of the class.

Tom never bothered with making a show of checking his grades, knowing fully well that he would always be at the head of the class. But with the newfound knowledge of a possible competitor, he couldn’t quell his curiosity.

Making his way to the front of the room with the usual throng of Slytherin boys, he displayed no sign of concern. Why should the best in the year have to worry about some halfwit who ran into a bit of luck one time?

His air of indifference was quickly squashed, however, when he approached the posted practice exam scores and saw that his was the second highest. Second? That couldn’t be right. Tom Riddle never came in second. Who was first? Who could feasibly best Tom Riddle at a potions examination? The most brilliant student in all of Hogwarts, and in his best subject too?

He was horrified beyond comparison when he saw none other than your name at the pinnacle of the score sheet.

You.

Impossible. There was no chance that the bubbly girl with the face of an angel, er, a moron, could ever have received such excellent marks.

He’d seen you around, and you were most definitely not the kind of girl who cared about your performance in school. You were always smiling with your friends or tucking your hair behind your ear or dazzling a crowd with an extraordinary story. When you weren’t smoothing down your clothes or checking your made-up face, you were befriending the professors, something only stupid people needed to do.

So how could you have gotten a higher score than him? There must have been a mistake. He would have to ask Slughorn about it after class.

As he walked back to his seat, he glanced at where you were positioned, a table not too far from his own. You had already started on your assignment for the day, making quick work of the cutting and crushing of ingredients. Sure enough, you were dripping with the grace and beauty of someone who most likely didn’t know the difference between reed and foxtail.

How could one possibly be proficient in any academic subject when they looked like that? You probably spent more time shining your shoes than studying for exams. Then how did you beat him, and twice?

He watched you work for the remainder of the period. To his surprise, you were doing everything correctly. You never added a drop too much or a sprig too little. You stirred with precision and knew what color to look for in the brew. You seemed to know exactly what you were doing. Were you truly more intelligent than he had originally presumed?

Still unconvinced, he approached Professor Slughorn after dismissal to question the scores from the most recent exam.

Slughorn only sent him a mysterious look before answering, “Everything is as it should.”

-

After the third week of coming in second place, Tom decided that it was enough. It was time he put his troubles to rest and find out for himself what sort of witchcraft was in play.

“Are you cheating?” he abruptly asked you the moment you took your seat. Professor Slughorn was not yet in class, giving the students ample time to converse before lessons began.

Startled, you stared back at him. “What?”

“You must be receiving help on your practice exams or at the very least borrowing notes from someone,” he stated matter-of-factly. “So tell me. Who is it?”

You had had enough of this arrogant git’s behavior. “What makes you think I need help? Is it so hard to believe that you are not the only person in this room who can do well in school?”

“Well I- you see, you’re not exactly the sort to put much thought to academics,” he defended.

“And what sort is that?” you questioned.

“You know, the vain, pretty lot,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I’d imagine you spend more time on your appearance than on your academics.”

You gaped at the boy before you. “You think I’m pretty? And before you go on, my appearance has nothing to do with my drive to excel in scholarly affairs. I’ll have you know I’m more than capable of receiving just as good of marks as you are, despite what you think.”

“Then work with me on today’s partner project,” he challenged.

“Excuse me?” The last thing you were expecting was for the high-and-mighty Tom Riddle to want anything to do with you after his blatant rudeness.

“If you’re truly as good as you say—”

“You mean as good as the scores prove,” you cut in.

Tom rolled his eyes. “If you’re really that good, show me. Demonstrate your skills on today’s potion, and I’ll believe you.”

So the two of you spent the class working together on the assigned potion. Tom made sure to stand back so that you could have the freedom to do things on your own, silently hoping that you would make a mistake. But you didn’t.

Your potion was perfect. There was not an herb out of place or a drop not potent enough. Everything was as it should.

You had clearly proven to Tom that you were a skilled student, worthy of his second glance. You only hoped that the self-righteous twat would realize not to judge people before knowing them.

“While I hate to admit my own shortcomings, you were right,” Tom conceded.

You smiled at his admittance. “Thanks, Tom. I’m glad you learned something from this experience.”

He had expected to feel more disdain at the fact that he had finally found his match. He was waiting for annoyance, jealousy, some spark of rage at being second-best. But all he felt was a strange sensation.

You were quite honestly brilliant, and he couldn’t remember a time when he genuinely thought that about a fellow student. You were quick-witted, sharp-tongued, and unafraid to back down from a challenge. You stood up to him despite barely knowing anything about him, other than that he was a royal pain to you. And, not to mention, you were quite a sight to behold.

It was no secret that Tom kept to himself more often than not. Sure, he had a group of peers who respected him — whether out of fear or genuine liking is up for debate — but he never got to know anyone on a personal level. He never let anyone get too close or see him for someone other than the shining pupil with big plans. But, for once, he wanted someone to share his genius with.

He intended to make you that person.

—

Part 2

[bts-weverse-trans]

201124 Weverse Magazine ‘BE’ Comeback Interview - J-Hope

j-hope: “Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world” BTS BE comeback interview 2020.11.24

On April 28, j-hope streamed a Log ( ON ) video of his dance warm-up on BTS’s YouTube channel, BANGTANTV. Over the course of an hour and four minutes, he stretches out his whole body, gradually advances from small motions up to big movements, and demonstrates more of his other techniques. And he didn’t leave out his cooldown exercise, either. This has been j-hope’s life as a BTS member for the past seven years.

A whole lot happened this year. j-hope: Like I said in another interview, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. It started out with our performance at the Grammys, which was really, really, great, and then Map of the Soul: 7 came out, which was great, too, and then it plummeted. With COVID-19 happening, I did a lot of thinking, did some studying, then everyone met “Dynamite” and we had some great results. And the ride repeated. Roller coasters are scary, but you keep thinking about them even after you get off. That’s how I felt about this year: it was scary, but memorable.

One of those memorable things must be how “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100 but you never had a chance to actually go to the U.S. j-hope: So when we got first place, we couldn’t even check the charts. We were asleep. We checked when we woke up, and there we were, at the top. But then we went straight to work. (laughs) We had to film something here in Korea. It was hard to enjoy ourselves, the whole situation being what it was, but it was all right because we could still enjoy it together.

You must have had a lot on your mind, making BE during this kind of year. j-hope: I tend to think of BTS albums as being a reflection of the whole team, but this time I thought of it as putting in the stories I wanted to tell, making it my music and infusing myself into the new album while still being a BTS album. It turned out to be right at home with BTS’s color, and the whole team’s energy led to an even bigger synergy.

What made you think to go in that direction? j-hope: We started this album off by getting together and asking what kind of story we wanted to tell. The end result of that conversation was, “Well, hey, we still have to live with this situation; we can’t give up.” And from there, “Life Goes On” was born, and then we got to work on the stories we each wanted to tell. I think it sounds more raw, since we tried to capture the emotions we felt living through the pandemic.

I imagine you each had a lot of songs you wanted to include, and that your opinions were probably all a bit different. How did you compromise on the final product? j-hope: None of us made any kind of plan. We’d listen to a track and someone would ask, “Hey, anybody wanna give this a try?” and someone else would say, “Me! I’ll do it.” We just did it that way. There were clashes, too. When each person starts to speak louder, it’s hard to find a common ground. But we’ve always been good at communicating with one another, and we know when to back down or be gracious, so everything went smoothly including planning for the unit songs.

How did each of you choose your songs? You put “Dis-ease” on the album. j-hope: There’s one song where we were working in the studio and someone said, “That track wasn’t very good, was it? Jung Kook’s one before was better” and we’d switch on the spot. The song would be done recording and we talked to the label and ended up switching it out. We listened to it all together and said, “What about this?” And that’s how we decided. So then “Life Goes On” was done, and I wasn’t sure if “Dis-ease” would be on the album. We gave the seven songs from each member to Jimin, who was project manager, and he suggested we listen to them first and then get feedback from people inside the company. I think it was one of the stories each member could feel was his own.”

Where did you get the idea for the theme of “Dis-ease”? j-hope: First, I wanted to get into the mindset that this song is a sickness. When I make a song, I work on the chorus first, and then move onto the first verse. When I had only finished the chorus the song felt upbeat, but I thought the overall theme shouldn’t be too playful. That wouldn’t reflect how I felt. But while the theme of “Dis-ease” itself isn’t very light, when it fuses with the beat, it feels as if the song is trying to get over itself and stay positive. So I threw some scratching into the chorus and put in some “bbyap bbyap bbayp” and then started to think, “Aha! I’d better call this song ‘Dis-ease.��� ”

I didn’t expect you to write a song portraying your love–hate relationship with your work as a disease. A lot of people would expect you to have a positive, hopeful attitude, given your name. j-hope: I was too busy to ever give much thought about the work itself. But, as you know, that suddenly changed, and there was a lot we could no longer do. When I was working, I’d say, “Ugh, I need a break,” but then we took time off and the words, “Ugh, I want to work,” jumped out of my mouth! That’s what made me think more closely: “Why is this bothering me? I have a chance to rest—just take it. Why do I feel like I need to work under these circumstances? Is this an occupational disease?” I felt like this was a part of me that I could express at this point in time.

This is the first time in your lyrics I’ve heard how hard you push yourself to be successful. It made me wonder about the burden you felt about work over the past seven years. j-hope: Out of habit, I would say, “I’m okay; I have hope,” and keep working, but I think I was just avoiding my work-related problems rather than facing them head on. The nice thing about music is that I can say what’s on my mind, even feeling of sadness or depression, in beautiful ways.  I don’t usually express those feelings but this time I wanted to try.

It sounds like you have lots of different thoughts about work. j-hope: With my work? Well, actually, I’m not sure. Work is kind of an ugly duckling. Work gives me good energy but there’s energy you get from resting. But someone like me feels alive when they’re working, so I need to keep moving and keep doing. I feel anxious when I stop and content when I go. Every once in a while I don’t want to work, but I can’t not work.

You’re saying you and work go well together? j-hope: Exactly. It’s easier just to think simple. If you think too hard, that’s when things get difficult. Because I’m me, I can’t just keep it simple all the time, but I’m trying my hardest to do my best.

Thinking simple isn’t always so simple. j-hope: Yeah. Maybe it’s because I don’t have many problems to deal with. I feel uncertainty because of that. Uncertain about how my identity will be affected if I do encounter some great hardship.

BTS has faced a lot of hardship, though, right? j-hope: That is also true. (laughs) But the team wouldn’t have kept going if it’d just been me cheering ourselves on. We’re possible because we all think the same way. I wonder if we would’ve been able to come this far if it was just me saying, “Let’s go, guys!” That’s why I’m even more thankful to the other members.

What do those emotional changes affect your music? j-hope: I didn’t want to make an overly cheery song this time. I thought it would be best to do some softer songs about the way I was feeling this whole time, so I chose “Dis-ease” as well as “Fly to My Room.” The other members also thought, “Yeah, we’ve done a lot of bright songs, so it should be fine if we try it this way, too.” “Blue & Grey” is like that, too. I love that song.

You have a completely different voice when you rap on “Blue & Grey.” Did your rap style also change, along with your emotions? j-hope: I wanted “Blue & Grey” to sound like I was talking, actually. The tone and feel of my voice changes a lot depending on how I vocalize my rap.  I noticed that a lot this time. Namjoon actually helped me a ton. His part was after mine, so I turned to him and said, “Maybe it would sound better if I did it like this,” and tried it out. Then I used his advice and found the right sound.

How does it feel moving away from your normal style? j-hope: It’s really refreshing. I thought it wouldn’t work but I think it did after all. And I always thought this was a feel that I wanted to give it a try. For me, BE is sort of like the first step down an unfamiliar path, so there were parts that were challenging, and also parts that were a welcome change.

I think your rap in “Dis-ease” demonstrates that change well. Instead of trying to keep time in the intro, your flow just follows the story. j-hope: I made sure not to overthink anything this time. It ended up sounding natural because I just matched the rhythm of the words as they left my mouth. And it was refreshing because I haven’t done a long verse like in “Dis-ease” in forever. When we rap, there tend to be four or eight-ish lines; I thought I’d try and pack in a verse with sixteen. It also helped because the lyrics came out before many of the other things for this song.

The music makes “Dis-ease” sound upbeat, but then there’s a surprising message: “To be honest, I have this problem.” It’s like you were holding yourself back from crossing a line. j-hope: It was something like that. Shouldn't we stay on this line? Maybe that’s a disease too (laughs). I thought if j-hope leaned too much to one side people might think that’s strange, too. That’s why I tried to stick to my standards, but since I’m also human I also expressed emotions I couldn’t articulate into music.

You don’t want to try and cross that line? j-hope: I’ve thought about it, obviously. I want to, but in my life itself and in my mind, I always think if there’s a line, it shouldn’t be crossed. But I’m becoming more generous to myself about crossing lines when it comes to music.

So you haven’t crossed yet, but right now you want to say, “I have something else,” and go further. j-hope: Yes. This is maybe a time when I really need to. I’ve been lucky because I met great people, had success and reached where I am now. Now that I’m here, I always want to try new things myself and keep growing. That’s why I’m working hard and thinking about what kind of music I should make.

There’s a part in “Fly to My Room” where you sing, “You can change the way you think.” It’s like you were explaining the past seven years of your life. j-hope: It all depends on how you look at it. Say there’s some kind of food. You might feel lonely while eating it by yourself, but if you forget about your loneliness for a minute and think, “There is no difference in food I would be eating out (with other people) anyway,” then it’s just like eating out. So even though I was stuck feeling lonely at home, I started to think of it as another trip instead. I thought of my room as my world, and delivery food as a three-star hotel meal. As you can tell from the title, I worked on that song by thinking about the way I endured this year so far.

And why did you decide to “change the way you think?” j-hope: Because I get a lot of love. Because I’m in this position and in this place, there’s things I have to deal with, and I should do things and think things I am able to bear. I thought about that a lot and accepted it. So I thought about what I could do during these hard times, and how I could help out my friends, my team. I think I’m still going through that process, too, so everything’s an “-ing”, because I might need to know what to do later about what I can do, even if I don’t quite know it yet.

What effect does being surrounded by so much love have on you? j-hope: It’s amazing to be loved by even one person. Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world. And I know this isn’t something to take for granted. I’m so incredibly thankful that sometimes I feel overwhelmed just thinking, ‘Wow, how can I ever return this much love?’ I want to express that in any way possible, every moment I can, because I’m so honored to be so loved that I can’t begin to put it into words.

A little while ago, in an interview with Rolling Stone India, you said that, when you were young, you equated debuting with success. What does success mean to you now, now that you’ve had success after success? j-hope: Success … It’s a simple idea, but it can weigh on you. In all aspects of life, I think success means being satisfied with what you’re able to do.When you lose faith in your work and it starts becoming a chore, that’s when it starts to get depressing.

There are inevitably times when you can’t enjoy it. j-hope: It’s just, you know, it’s really simple. If you can’t do it now, you can always do it later. Do that, and you can put your mind at ease. And I think that’s the secret to living a long, happy life. Anything you can’t do in your 20s, you can just do in your 40s. Of course, there’s going to be stuff you should do now while you’re still (laughs) energetic. But if that’s the position you’re in right now, you just have to ride it out. Try again later if you can’t enjoy yourself now. You’ll probably feel different in the future anyway. Yeah, that was pretty much the key to my self-preservation.

Where do you find the strength to hold on like that? j-hope: From the group, it’s very clear what that is. It’s our fans. ARMY. We had to pull through, for the fans. At any time of any day, the fans come first. I keep thinking about how painful it would be for the fans if we just gloss over something or feel like giving up just because we’re having a hard time. I was 20 when we made our debut. I didn’t know much about having a social life, but the messages our fans sent were a big comfort and gave us hope. I learned a lot just by reading fan letters and understanding the kind of thoughts they had. Fans and artists really are one and the same.

That makes me think of a line from “Life Goes On”: “People say the world has changed but thankfully between you and me, nothing has changed.” j-hope: Yes, right. I thought that line expressed the feeling really well as soon as I first heard it. Yoongi wrote that. He is really good. (laughs) I think that describes our relationship with our fans.

Trans © Weverse

[spiritshaydra]

Looks like I haven’t posted art here in months and this is my fourth time trying to add a description to this because it keeps getting purged whenever I switch tabs >:( 

Anywho, here’s some Pokémon gijinkas I finished earlier in the week ^^

Additional info stolen from my amino post down below c:

Howdy!

This took me WAY longer than I thought it would. I started this group back in December, and only now just completed it ^^

I’ll be showing them off in the order I finished them along with some info on each character c:

✨Here they are!✨

🏙 Reshiram 🏙

She’s not as complex as the rest of the batch because she started off as just a headshot test and practice for drawing humans ^^’ then everything else kinda just got more complex. Her design is more of a work in progress than the rest.

She’s a living lie detector :)

🎆 Palkia 🎆

[

She took a LONG time to draw and is probably the most complex. Sorta. She’s also probably one of the first gijinkas I’ve designed so her design is pretty solid for now. She’s based off of Roman gladiators and Valkyries. Palkia is also a total jock with a short fuse that constantly gets in fights with her brother, Dialga. She’s kinda a loud idiot but that’s okay. She’s also very rash and tends to act before thinking. Will kick down doors and attempt to put brother in a headlock. Probably chugs sport drinks and punches drywall. Will challenge poor unfortunate souls into doing arm wrestling matches. Has very strong opinions on science fiction. (Stuff with space is superior!) Curses like a sailor and likes to get creative with insults. Cannot organize things at all. Room probably looks like a bomb went off. Has the worst handwriting in her family. Middle child and the shortest out of her siblings. Is uncomfortable around Giratina but feels bad about it.

🌄 Giratina 🌄

Giratina’s another one that I’ve had designed for a while and am pretty happy about it! I tried to give her a more inhuman and unsettling appearance (gaunt features, pale skin, sunken eyes, long limbs, digitigrade legs, four arms, etc) She’s pale from the lack of sunlight and her hair is borderline uncontrollable. It’s in a constant state of poofy rat’s nest.

Believe it or not, she’s probably the friendliest out of her family despite her off putting demeanor. She completely lacks social skills and is still trying to learn how to speak normally after being locked away for eons. She’s best friends with a Shaymin and has gardening as a hobby. She just really wants friends :( She likes stupid paranormal shows and animated movies. Not violent at all unless provoked. Absolutely fascinated by car windows and toasters. She’s the second tallest and the “baby” out of her family. She wishes to have better relations with her siblings and parent but struggles :(

🌺 Shaymin 🌺

Shaymin. Oh boy Shaymin. So with her I was wanting to do something completely different from the usual Lolita and cutesy based gijinkas. So I made her a punk :) Shay acts like she eats nails for breakfast and isn’t afraid to fight god. She’s short but by god, she’s going to go for the kneecaps. She has a nasty temper and is very protective of her strange noodly demon bestie. Taught her how to garden. She’s loud, argumentative, and ‘Tina’s siblings are probably more scared of her than the Terror of The Distortion World. Does not do well in cold weather. She rides a motorbike, and is the one who generally drags ‘Tina around to get her used to the normal world. Big fan of slasher films and loud aggressive music. Loves nature and is generally enthusiastic about funky plants.

Very short. Very aggressive. Wears stud covered platform boots.

🪐 Arceus 🪐

Oh boy. Arceus.

He was VERY hard to design but I think I’m happy with the results. For now. I wanted him to look somewhat regal and nasty, and not exactly human.

He’s a major asshole, prick, and elitist, and is petty to the highest degree. Got offended whenever someone suggests that he should go to an anger management class. Probably a Karen. He’s the type to wear a fluffy bathrobe while drinking box wine on a lawn chair on the porch to look scornfully at the neighbors whenever they get too close. Not a great parent. (Loves his gaggle of goblins in his own strange way) Kinda hates everyone. Rude. VERY VERY short temper. VERY stubborn. He’s short and is going to make it everyone else’s problem. (Refuses to just... change his height himself. ‘Cause he’s some primordial creation entity. He just... doesn’t) He woke up one morning and just chose violence. takes great pride in his creations. Awful taste in music. No sense of style. Cant dance. He’s offputting and unsettling to be around because he has a very “off” feeling about him. Really really likes to get the upper hand on others. There are a f e w times when he actually acts like a decent person. Likes to put an air of regality onto him even though he’s a total train wreck. Wears three to four inch heels.

🌌 Dialga 🌌

DIALGA. I also wanted to do something different with him! So I made him a nerd. He likes to take things apart and put them back together. Especially clocks. He’s more level headed than his sisters and has a longer fuse than Palkia. But he’s also very stubborn. He’s a total workaholic and perfectionist. He doesn’t sleep much and can be a nervous wreck whenever he’s behind on whatever schedule he runs on. He gets into fights with his younger sister a LOT and will often try to use her as a lab rat. They’re sorta like Yzma and Kronk. But he’s less diabolical and Palkia’s more aggressive. Like Palkia, He also has very strong opinions on science fiction (Stuff with time travel is WAY better!) he’s also very organized if not organized chaos. He wears a heavy pair of boots that one could hear from a mile away. Think large goth boots with metal in the soles somewhere. Also a metal head. He will blast loud metal or rock music (sometimes more classic rock. Depends on the mood) as he works on whatever insane project he decided to tinker on. He has a large collection of very cursed socks. Somewhat poor eyesight. Generally easier to get along with than Palkia who’s more abrasive. He tends to think more before acting upon things. Probably runs on entirely coffee and energy drinks. B A D taste in fashion. But not worse than Palkia. Likes to read. Not very good handwriting. Tends to bump his head on doorframes. Will walk into things if lost in thought. The tallest out of his family and the oldest out of his sisters. He’s somewhat afraid of ‘Tina.

Approximate Time Taken: About 27 hours

Program Used: Procreate

[fyeah-bangtan7]

j-hope: “Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world”

On April 28, j-hope streamed a Log ( ON ) video of his dance warm-up on BTS’s YouTube channel, BANGTANTV. Over the course of an hour and four minutes, he stretches out his whole body, gradually advances from small motions up to big movements, and demonstrates more of his other techniques. And he didn’t leave out his cooldown exercise, either. This has been j-hope’s life as a BTS member for the past seven years.

A whole lot happened this year. j-hope: Like I said in another interview, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. It started out with our performance at the Grammys, which was really, really, great, and then Map of the Soul: 7 came out, which was great, too, and then it plummeted. With COVID-19 happening, I did a lot of thinking, did some studying, then everyone met “Dynamite” and we had some great results. And the ride repeated. Roller coasters are scary, but you keep thinking about them even after you get off. That’s how I felt about this year: it was scary, but memorable.

One of those memorable things must be how “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100 but you never had a chance to actually go to the U.S. j-hope: So when we got first place, we couldn’t even check the charts. We were asleep. We checked when we woke up, and there we were, at the top. But then we went straight to work. (laughs) We had to film something here in Korea. It was hard to enjoy ourselves, the whole situation being what it was, but it was all right because we could still enjoy it together.

You must have had a lot on your mind, making BE during this kind of year. j-hope: I tend to think of BTS albums as being a reflection of the whole team, but this time I thought of it as putting in the stories I wanted to tell, making it my music and infusing myself into the new album while still being a BTS album. It turned out to be right at home with BTS’s color, and the whole team’s energy led to an even bigger synergy.

What made you think to go in that direction? j-hope: We started this album off by getting together and asking what kind of story we wanted to tell. The end result of that conversation was, “Well, hey, we still have to live with this situation; we can’t give up.” And from there, “Life Goes On” was born, and then we got to work on the stories we each wanted to tell. I think it sounds more raw, since we tried to capture the emotions we felt living through the pandemic.

I imagine you each had a lot of songs you wanted to include, and that your opinions were probably all a bit different. How did you compromise on the final product? j-hope: None of us made any kind of plan. We’d listen to a track and someone would ask, “Hey, anybody wanna give this a try?” and someone else would say, “Me! I’ll do it.” We just did it that way. There were clashes, too. When each person starts to speak louder, it’s hard to find a common ground. But we’ve always been good at communicating with one another, and we know when to back down or be gracious, so everything went smoothly including planning for the unit songs.

How did each of you choose your songs? You put “Dis-ease” on the album. j-hope: There’s one song where we were working in the studio and someone said, “That track wasn’t very good, was it? Jung Kook’s one before was better” and we’d switch on the spot. The song would be done recording and we talked to the label and ended up switching it out. We listened to it all together and said, “What about this?” And that’s how we decided. So then “Life Goes On” was done, and I wasn’t sure if “Dis-ease” would be on the album. We gave the seven songs from each member to Jimin, who was project manager, and he suggested we listen to them first and then get feedback from people inside the company. I think it was one of the stories each member could feel was his own.”

Where did you get the idea for the theme of “Dis-ease”? j-hope: First, I wanted to get into the mindset that this song is a sickness. When I make a song, I work on the chorus first, and then move onto the first verse. When I had only finished the chorus the song felt upbeat, but I thought the overall theme shouldn’t be too playful. That wouldn’t reflect how I felt. But while the theme of “Dis-ease” itself isn’t very light, when it fuses with the beat, it feels as if the song is trying to get over itself and stay positive. So I threw some scratching into the chorus and put in some “bbyap bbyap bbayp” and then started to think, “Aha! I’d better call this song ‘Dis-ease.’ ”

I didn’t expect you to write a song portraying your love–hate relationship with your work as a disease. A lot of people would expect you to have a positive, hopeful attitude, given your name. j-hope: I was too busy to ever give much thought about the work itself. But, as you know, that suddenly changed, and there was a lot we could no longer do. When I was working, I’d say, “Ugh, I need a break,” but then we took time off and the words, “Ugh, I want to work,” jumped out of my mouth! That’s what made me think more closely: “Why is this bothering me? I have a chance to rest—just take it. Why do I feel like I need to work under these circumstances? Is this an occupational disease?” I felt like this was a part of me that I could express at this point in time.

This is the first time in your lyrics I’ve heard how hard you push yourself to be successful. It made me wonder about the burden you felt about work over the past seven years. j-hope: Out of habit, I would say, “I’m okay; I have hope,” and keep working, but I think I was just avoiding my work-related problems rather than facing them head on. The nice thing about music is that I can say what’s on my mind, even feeling of sadness or depression, in beautiful ways. I don’t usually express those feelings but this time I wanted to try.

It sounds like you have lots of different thoughts about work. j-hope: With my work? Well, actually, I’m not sure. Work is kind of an ugly duckling. Work gives me good energy but there’s energy you get from resting. But someone like me feels alive when they’re working, so I need to keep moving and keep doing. I feel anxious when I stop and content when I go. Every once in a while I don’t want to work, but I can’t not work.

You’re saying you and work go well together? j-hope: Exactly. It’s easier just to think simple. If you think too hard, that’s when things get difficult. Because I’m me, I can’t just keep it simple all the time, but I’m trying my hardest to do my best.

Thinking simple isn’t always so simple. j-hope: Yeah. Maybe it’s because I don’t have many problems to deal with. I feel uncertainty because of that. Uncertain about how my identity will be affected if I do encounter some great hardship.

BTS has faced a lot of hardship, though, right? j-hope: That is also true. (laughs) But the team wouldn’t have kept going if it’d just been me cheering ourselves on. We’re possible because we all think the same way. I wonder if we would’ve been able to come this far if it was just me saying, “Let’s go, guys!” That’s why I’m even more thankful to the other members.

What do those emotional changes affect your music? j-hope: I didn’t want to make an overly cheery song this time. I thought it would be best to do some softer songs about the way I was feeling this whole time, so I chose “Dis-ease” as well as “Fly to My Room.” The other members also thought, “Yeah, we’ve done a lot of bright songs, so it should be fine if we try it this way, too.” “Blue & Grey” is like that, too. I love that song.

You have a completely different voice when you rap on “Blue & Grey.” Did your rap style also change, along with your emotions? j-hope: I wanted “Blue & Grey” to sound like I was talking, actually. The tone and feel of my voice changes a lot depending on how I vocalize my rap. I noticed that a lot this time. Namjoon actually helped me a ton. His part was after mine, so I turned to him and said, “Maybe it would sound better if I did it like this,” and tried it out. Then I used his advice and found the right sound.

How does it feel moving away from your normal style? j-hope: It’s really refreshing. I thought it wouldn’t work but I think it did after all. And I always thought this was a feel that I wanted to give it a try. For me, BE is sort of like the first step down an unfamiliar path, so there were parts that were challenging, and also parts that were a welcome change.

I think your rap in “Dis-ease” demonstrates that change well. Instead of trying to keep time in the intro, your flow just follows the story. j-hope: I made sure not to overthink anything this time. It ended up sounding natural because I just matched the rhythm of the words as they left my mouth. And it was refreshing because I haven’t done a long verse like in “Dis-ease” in forever. When we rap, there tend to be four or eight-ish lines; I thought I’d try and pack in a verse with sixteen. It also helped because the lyrics came out before many of the other things for this song.

The music makes “Dis-ease” sound upbeat, but then there’s a surprising message: “To be honest, I have this problem.” It’s like you were holding yourself back from crossing a line. j-hope: It was something like that. Shouldn't we stay on this line? Maybe that’s a disease too (laughs). I thought if j-hope leaned too much to one side people might think that’s strange, too. That’s why I tried to stick to my standards, but since I’m also human I also expressed emotions I couldn’t articulate into music.

You don’t want to try and cross that line? j-hope: I’ve thought about it, obviously. I want to, but in my life itself and in my mind, I always think if there’s a line, it shouldn’t be crossed. But I’m becoming more generous to myself about crossing lines when it comes to music.

So you haven’t crossed yet, but right now you want to say, “I have something else,” and go further. j-hope: Yes. This is maybe a time when I really need to. I’ve been lucky because I met great people, had success and reached where I am now. Now that I’m here, I always want to try new things myself and keep growing. That’s why I’m working hard and thinking about what kind of music I should make.

There’s a part in “Fly to My Room” where you sing, “You can change the way you think.” It’s like you were explaining the past seven years of your life. j-hope: It all depends on how you look at it. Say there’s some kind of food. You might feel lonely while eating it by yourself, but if you forget about your loneliness for a minute and think, “There is no difference in food I would be eating out (with other people) anyway,” then it’s just like eating out. So even though I was stuck feeling lonely at home, I started to think of it as another trip instead. I thought of my room as my world, and delivery food as a three-star hotel meal. As you can tell from the title, I worked on that song by thinking about the way I endured this year so far.

And why did you decide to “change the way you think?” j-hope: Because I get a lot of love. Because I’m in this position and in this place, there’s things I have to deal with, and I should do things and think things I am able to bear. I thought about that a lot and accepted it. So I thought about what I could do during these hard times, and how I could help out my friends, my team. I think I’m still going through that process, too, so everything’s an “-ing”, because I might need to know what to do later about what I can do, even if I don’t quite know it yet.

What effect does being surrounded by so much love have on you? j-hope: It’s amazing to be loved by even one person. Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world. And I know this isn’t something to take for granted. I’m so incredibly thankful that sometimes I feel overwhelmed just thinking, ‘Wow, how can I ever return this much love?’ I want to express that in any way possible, every moment I can, because I’m so honored to be so loved that I can’t begin to put it into words.

A little while ago, in an interview with Rolling Stone India, you said that, when you were young, you equated debuting with success. What does success mean to you now, now that you’ve had success after success? j-hope: Success … It’s a simple idea, but it can weigh on you. In all aspects of life, I think success means being satisfied with what you’re able to do.When you lose faith in your work and it starts becoming a chore, that’s when it starts to get depressing.

There are inevitably times when you can’t enjoy it. j-hope: It’s just, you know, it’s really simple. If you can’t do it now, you can always do it later. Do that, and you can put your mind at ease. And I think that’s the secret to living a long, happy life. Anything you can’t do in your 20s, you can just do in your 40s. Of course, there’s going to be stuff you should do now while you’re still (laughs) energetic. But if that’s the position you’re in right now, you just have to ride it out. Try again later if you can’t enjoy yourself now. You’ll probably feel different in the future anyway. Yeah, that was pretty much the key to my self-preservation.

Where do you find the strength to hold on like that? j-hope: From the group, it’s very clear what that is. It’s our fans. ARMY. We had to pull through, for the fans. At any time of any day, the fans come first. I keep thinking about how painful it would be for the fans if we just gloss over something or feel like giving up just because we’re having a hard time. I was 20 when we made our debut. I didn’t know much about having a social life, but the messages our fans sent were a big comfort and gave us hope. I learned a lot just by reading fan letters and understanding the kind of thoughts they had. Fans and artists really are one and the same.

That makes me think of a line from “Life Goes On”: “People say the world has changed but thankfully between you and me, nothing has changed.” j-hope: Yes, right. I thought that line expressed the feeling really well as soon as I first heard it. Yoongi wrote that. He is really good. (laughs) I think that describes our relationship with our fans.

© source

[benmcm18]

Group 7 Independent Project!

Pre Production -

This is the second time I’m working with Group 7. It is truly an honour to be surrounded by such talented people. We have learnt from last time and we thought it would be interesting to switch up the roles. Here was what we ended up with:

Director - Jack

Cinematographer - Bonnie

Producer - Heather

Production Design - Ben

Editor - Heather

Writer - Tom

Here were also the tasks we sorted ourselves:

Write a 1-page proposal (synopsis and directors statement) - JACK (13th May)

Make the movie - Jack

Make a plan and a schedule for your work - Heather

Create a mood board (Each character) - Ben

Create a sonic world for the film (no dialogue / no voice-over) - Heather and Ben

Cut together a series of still images or sequences of footage to create a 2min film - Heather

Record some sound effects using objects you have in your room/ house - you can record on your phone. - Heather and Ben

Source and use sound effects and Atmos sound on Freesound. - Tom

Make a storyboard + animatic - Bonnie

Source footage - eg shoot, take stills, source stills, or work with stock footage from Film Supply to envision your idea - Bonnie

Shot list - Bonnie

Scriptwriting and development - Tom

Present it at the crit - receive feedback - Everyone

Write a short critical reflection on your blog. - Everyone

Songs - Everyone

As Production designer I had to create a mood board. We had discussed in meetings what aesthetic we wanted to go for and I believe we ended up with a mixture between films like “Moonrise Kingdom” and “Fight Club”. Either way, these were two of the films I took inspiration from when working on the mood board of the film.

Additionally, I had to think of the costume for both actors. For the man I chose to instead of having major differences in the two separate costumes to instead change them subtly to give a feeling he is still grounded in reality. So that means I added the glasses, changed the tie and gave him a watch to switch up how he looked. The Imagination costume is inspired from Ewan MacGregor’s character in “Big Fish'' we wanted to give him a full blue costume originally but I realised fairly soon that that wasn’t going to happen. So I adapted and decided to use his ties as a means of stating which reality he was in. When he is in the “dream world” he has a very colourful yellow tie but when he returns to his office I believe we went with a black/red tie.

For the woman, I chose to give her a very colourful look. This was purely so she could match the imagination around her. I discussed with Bonnie about possibly putting flowers in her hair but for some reason we couldn’t find anything. In regards to the rest of her costume I gave her shades so that there would be a physical separation between the two. If he can’t make eye contact with her how is he supposed to connect.

Overall, I’m very happy with the costumes and for a first attempt I’m actually quite proud.

Finally, set design. I had recently worked on a project called “Pied” where I had to create a whole set for my actors. That was pretty much my crash course for this independent project. Using the knowledge I can gain from creating that set I tried implementing it into the office workspace and the picnic arrangement. I’m happy with it but it will honestly be down to you to decide if I did a good job. If I could mention any little “fun facts” about what I did here would be a few:

I used a ping-pong table as the walls splitting the workspace

I tried spreading the food along the picnic like a wall that separated the two of them.

There is a jar of pickles in one of the shots. I don’t know who would bring a jar of pickles to a picnic but I thought it would be funny

On the back wall of the office there is a bunch of hidden Easter eggs *HOWEVER* David’s massive head covers them up!

In regards to how the other team members did. We developed the script ideas until we landed on this one. Jack had a great idea about filming some really nice shots of food. We were actually quite a big fan of this idea. I just thought Heather’s idea would allow us to experiment more.

Tom then wrote a (very) detailed script in collaboration with Heather, Bonnie drew a genuinely fantastic storyboard (she is too hard on herself haha) and Jack prepared for the shoot. One issue that presented itself fairly soon was the fact we had two actors on set. However, our Producer (Heather) handled it like a pro and we managed to get the all clear. Overall, a very hardworking start with the promise of Bonnie doing a short animation for the storyboard. (I’m looking forward to hopefully seeing it)

Production -

The shoot day was very fun. We all arrived at 11:30am and we made our way over to the location. Originally, we had planned to film on top of a hill however, things quickly changed and Jack said there was a fantastic path to film on. I was fairly set on the hill idea (As I had imagined the scene being somewhat similar to the UP opening montage) but he said it was a better location and I trust him.

So this is where it got a bit funky. It turns out the location had been converted into a dirt road since the last time Jack had been there. This was a bit demoralising as we had carried a lot of props out but luckily we had seen a location closer to the beach that could possibly work and the rest was history. That very location near the beach ended up where we would film.

With Jack directing and myself on camera we began to make our way through the storyboard Bonnie had devised. I have to be honest there were parts where we deviated from what was on the storyboard: For example, there is a section where he falls over however it didn’t look natural so we thought of another way to film it. This was where I got a bit carried away with VFX. In the long run I’m pretty sure everyone is happy with it but I wasn’t too sure at the time.

Jack did well as a director, he worked well with David and Kady especially when it came to movements of the actors. There isn’t any dialogue in the scenes so it's mainly physical language instead of verbal. My only advice for Jack would be to do a bit more research on the project before going onto the shoot because there were parts of the shoot where actors would ask questions about their character and I wasn’t confident he knew the answer.

In regards to me, I find it very hard to create something someone else envisions because I’m used to directing and filming projects on my own. I definitely think I improved on this project and having the storyboard and detailed script was a big help. I also felt I should have been more prepared as it didn’t look very good in front of the actors with me fiddling around with the camera because I had set it up in the wrong position.

Overall, I think it was a very fun shoot and it went pretty smoothly. You're going to hit speed bumps on the way but I believe Jack and I handled them well.

Oh also, forgot to mention that I had to also record sound and label all the audio and footage for Heather (why do I almost call you Clair XD) It didn’t take as long as I expected and was actually somewhat therapeutic if you can believe haha.

Post-Production -

The post production process has been going well. We have plenty of time until the deadline and we have already got a very solid draft edit so I’m not worried. I just kind of want to get it finished.

First and foremost, Heather has been doing a fantastic job editing the video. She works efficiently, takes feedback on board and seems to me to have a very solid feel on the fundamentals of editing. Looking at the edit now, there are definite issues but nothing that can’t be solved in 10 minutes. It’s clean, fluid and most of all enjoyable to watch. I’m worried without a synopsis people might not get it but I guess you could see it as “up for interpretation” haha!

Before I talk about my role in the Post-Production process, I just want to mention who else is working on the edit as well. Bonnie is planning on adding some very small animations to the edit to give it that feeling of “not-reality” I think this is crucial because without the animation in the shots. When the man defies the laws of physics it will seem really strange. I believe Tom is doing sound, I’ve supplied them with plenty of audio from on set and am free at anytime to get more for them so it will just be down to when it is completed, I have faith that Tom will create something really special with the Sound design as he will probably blend the sound of the surrounding nature with cold office sounds. I’m excited.

Now onto the part I play. I offered to do the VFX for the film and I’m very happy with them. It’s nothing incredibly tedious to create. It’s very basic motion tracking and keyframing but I think using it in small doses works well and with it accompanied by the animation and sound it will take the film to new levels of quality.

I’m just going to talk about the final VFX shot as it was the most challenging (but fun) part to work on. First, I had to figure out how I was going to get the image of Kady onto the wall without printing her because I realised I would be able to match up the shots if I had just zoomed out from an actual image. So I went for a bit of green paper. I motioned tracked it through After Effects and then played with the colour so it matched the scene. I then added an artificial zoom in Premiere and I got the final result. Now, it is not perfect in any means. I wasn’t able to track back any further than I did so the image in the paper actually moves but with the help of Heather and the use of changing aspect ratios I think it really works. I guess we will have to see how people respond.

So that is about everything on the project. I will be back to reflect next month on the finished project. Hopefully it turns out okay. Hopefully, it doesn’t turn into a train wreck. I’m sure it won’t :)

[jedi-order-apologist]

I finished reading Yoda: Dark Rendezvous, and I have to say, I really, really loved it! Everyone who recommended it to me was 100% right - this book is great, and especially great in its representation of the Jedi. I think I like it even more than Shatterpoint, and I really liked Shatterpoint.

There are some weak points - it was a little slow to pull me in, and there’s a couple of Weird Legends Things™ that, with me not being particularly immersed in that continuity, don’t quite fit in with my conception of Star Wars (Dooku apparently having had a Master that was not Yoda; the infamous 13-year-old age limit (though I was at least familiar with that one), the Jedi being so far in the public eye that there exists a famous Yoda impersonator, etc), and I was a little iffy on how it handled the “Jedi shouldn’t be in the war” angle (I’m fine with there being Jedi who think that the Jedi shouldn’t be in the war. I’m less fine with an author deciding that other Jedi can’t find the words to defend their involvement, because that’s a cheap way of framing the argument), and a small moment of the “everyone falls in love” stuff I dislike.

But those were very small aspects of the book, all things considered, and pretty much everything else about this book is really, really good, and very Star Warsy - a very healthy mix of the wacky as well as the philosophical sides of the franchise, which suited my tastes really well. This book is fun - Yoda is the grumpy grandpa that he deserves to be, and spends a good portion of the book disguised as an astromech that gets into all sorts of trouble. Obi-Wan and Anakin have peak sibling energy in the handful of scenes that they show up in - Anakin at one point insisting that a woman would have to be desperate to want Obi-Wan, and only a younger sibling could possibly say something like that with a straight face to a man as attractive as Obi-Wan, as well as Obi-Wan lying to Mace Windu’s face to cover for Anakin and then immediately grumbling about it to Anakin that he doesn’t know why he does these things for him is such an older sibling thing to do.

Where this book really shines, though, is the serious stuff - the philosophy and the dark side and especially grief. What absolutely sold me on this story, and what made me sit up and go “this is going to be one of my favorite Star Wars books”, was the part where Yoda speaks to the padawans and helps them address and work through their grief. It was phenomenal, and beautiful, and absolutely everything I want out of depicting the Jedi - especially in the context that only a chapter earlier, Ventress had been hurling those standard accusations of “the Jedi don’t let you feel”, and this book wonderfully, completely demolishes that nonsense. This section is absolutely amazing:

Yoda set his bowl of gumbo regretfully aside. “Hear it working, do you?”

“Hear what?” Whie snapped.

“The dark side. Always it speaks to us, from our pain. Our grief. It connects our pain to all pain, our hurt to all hurt.”

“Maybe it has a lot to say.” Whie stared at the starscape hovering over the projector table. “It’s so easy for you. What do you care? You are unattached, aren’t you? You’ll probably never die. What was Maks Leem to you? Another pupil. After all these centuries, who could blame you if you could hardly keep track of them? Well, she was more than that to me.” He looked up challengingly. Tear tracks were shining on his face, but his eyes were still hard and angry. “She was the closest thing I had to a mother, since you took me away from my real mother. She chose me to be her Padawan and I let her down, I let her die, and I’m not going to sit here and stuff myself and get over it!” He finished with a yell, sweeping the plate of crêpes off the projection table, so the platter went sailing toward the floor.

Yoda’s eyes, heavy-lidded and half closed like a drowsing dragon’s, gleamed, and one finger twitched. Food, platter, drinks, and all hung suspended in the air. The platter settled; the crêpes returned to it; Whie’s overturned cup righted itself, and rich purple liquid trickled back into it. All settled back onto the table.

Another twitch of Yoda’s fingers, the merest flicker, and Whie’s head jerked around as if on a string, until he found himself looking into the old Jedi’s eyes. They were green, green as swamp water. He had never quite realized before how terrifying those eyes could be. One could drown in them. One could be pulled under.

“Teach me about pain, think you can?” Yoda said softly. “Think the old Master cannot care, mmm? Forgotten who I am, have you? Old am I, yes. Mm. Loved more than you, have I, Padawan. Lost more. Hated more. Killed more.” The green eyes narrowed to gleaming slits under heavy lids. Dragon eyes, old and terrible. “Think wisdom comes at no cost? The dark side, yes - it is easier for them. The pain grows too great, and they eat the darkness to flee from it. Not Yoda. Yoda loves and suffers for it, loves and suffers.”

One could have heard a feather hit the floor.

“The price of Yoda’s wisdom, high it is, very high, and the cost goes on forever. But teach me about pain, will you?”

“I...” Whie’s mouth worked. “I am sorry, Master. I was angry. But...what if they’re right?” he cried out in anguish. “What if the galaxy is dark. What if it’s like Ventress says: we are born, we suffer, we die, and that is all. What if there is no plan, what if there is no ‘goodness’? What if we suffer blindly, trying to find a reason for the suffering, but we’re just fooling ourselves, looking for hope that isn’t there? What if there is nothing but stars and the black space between them and the galaxy does not care if we live or die?”

Yoda said, “It’s true.”

The Padawans looked at him in shock.

The Master’s short legs swung forth and back, forth and back. “Perhaps,” he added. He sighed. “Many days, feel certain of a greater hope, I do. Some days, not so.” He shrugged. “What difference does it make?”

“Ventress was right?” Whie said, shocked out of his anger.

“No! Wrong she is! As wrong as she can be!” Yoda snorted. “Grief in the galaxy, is there? Oh, yes. Oceans of it. Worlds. And darkness?” Yoda pointed to the starscape on the projection table. “There you see: darkness, darkness everywhere, and a few stars. A few points of light. If no plan there is, no fate, no destiny, no providence, no Force: then what is left?” He looked at each of them in turn. “Nothing but our choices, hmm?”

“Asajj eats the darkness, and the darkness eats her back. Do that if you wish, Whie. Do that if you wish.” The old Jedi looked deep into the starscape, suns and planets and nebulae dancing, tiny points of light blazing in the darkness. “To be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan.” His matted eyebrows rose high over his swamp-colored eyes, and he poked Whie with the end of his stick. Poke, poke. “Be a candle, or the night, Padawan: but choose!”

Whie cried for what seemed like a long time. Scout ate. Fidelis served. Master Yoda told stories of Maks Leem and Jai Maruk: tales of their most exciting adventures, of course, but also comical anecdotes from the days when they were only children in the Temple. They drank together, many toasts.

Scout cried. Whie ate. Fidelis served.

Yoda told stories, and ate, and cried, and laughed: and the Padawans saw that life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

I want to show this passage to every hot-take Yoda-critical fan who’s ever leveled that kind of nonsense at him. I want every one of them to read this and still try to tell me that Yoda is detached and uncaring of the galaxy around him. I want every fan who thinks the Jedi are expected to be unfeeling to read this and understand what the Jedi actually say and do and why giving into these feelings is the issue, not the feelings themselves.

The confrontation with Dooku is also amazing. Yoda challenges him to explain why the dark side is so great, and Dooku only gets more and more frustrated as Yoda is unswayed by any of what he tempts him with. I especially love this bit where Yoda lays out exactly why what the dark side promises is false:

“Want something else. Want power.”

“Power have I.”

“Want wealth.”

“Wealth I need not.”

“Want to be safe,” Dooku said in frustration. “Want to be free from fear!”

“I will never be safe,” Yoda said. He turned away from Dooku, a shapeless bundle under a battered, acid-eaten cloak. “The universe is large and cold and very dark: that is the truth. What I love, taken from me will be, late or soon: and no power is there, dark or light, that can save me.”

That then leads into a bit where Dooku has a vision of what a dark!Yoda would look like, and realizes how utterly terrifying that would be.

Dooku also has abandonment issues on full display - lashing out at the lady who had given her son up to the Jedi, getting furious at her on the son’s behalf (but so clearly, his own, speaking of his own resentment towards his parents), and throwing an absolute hissy fit because he’s convinced Yoda likes Anakin more than him. I’m not kidding, he’s so offended by Anakin’s entire existence that just his mere presence in his house is enough for Dooku to stop feeling conflicted about the whole thing and jump right back into the dark side.

And there’s just so many good little moments throughout it all on top of all that. Whie’s dreams - and oh, I knew exactly what his dream of his own death was when he described it to Scout and it hurt at the end when he hugged Anakin while saying “I’m so glad you’re not coming to kill me!”. And Ventress, calling Dooku out on the fact that it’s so obvious that Sidious will end up replacing him (also for a more humorous bit - the fact that she apparently has some petty grudge against Anakin and Obi-Wan for stealing her ships so she goes out of her way to steal their ship at the end), and the droids, and Scout’s cleverness in winning the tournament despite her disadvantages, Jai Maruk’s last stand and refusal to fall when he was at the edge, and...so much, really.

And above all else, the book really latches onto the idea of Jedi as family, and you all know how much I really, really love the idea of the Jedi as a big found family. The idea that they consider each other to be family is driven home again and again, in their words and in their actions, and I absolutely adore this book for that emphasis.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

If you want to summarize the changes in family structure over the past century, the truest thing to say is this: We’ve made life freer for individuals and more unstable for families. We’ve made life better for adults but worse for children. We’ve moved from big, interconnected, and extended families, which helped protect the most vulnerable people in society from the shocks of life, to smaller, detached nuclear families (a married couple and their children), which give the most privileged people in society room to maximize their talents and expand their options. The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familial system that liberates the rich and ravages the working-class and the poor.

...Extended families have two great strengths. The first is resilience. An extended family is one or more families in a supporting web. Your spouse and children come first, but there are also cousins, in-laws, grandparents—a complex web of relationships among, say, seven, 10, or 20 people. If a mother dies, siblings, uncles, aunts, and grandparents are there to step in. If a relationship between a father and a child ruptures, others can fill the breach. Extended families have more people to share the unexpected burdens—when a kid gets sick in the middle of the day or when an adult unexpectedly loses a job.

A detached nuclear family, by contrast, is an intense set of relationships among, say, four people. If one relationship breaks, there are no shock absorbers. In a nuclear family, the end of the marriage means the end of the family as it was previously understood.

... But while extended families have strengths, they can also be exhausting and stifling. They allow little privacy; you are forced to be in daily intimate contact with people you didn’t choose. There’s more stability but less mobility. Family bonds are thicker, but individual choice is diminished. You have less space to make your own way in life.

... The period from 1950 to 1965 demonstrated that a stable society can be built around nuclear families—so long as women are relegated to the household, nuclear families are so intertwined that they are basically extended families by another name, and every economic and sociological condition in society is working together to support the institution.

But these conditions did not last. The constellation of forces that had briefly shored up the nuclear family began to fall away, and the sheltered family of the 1950s was supplanted by the stressed family of every decade since. Some of the strains were economic. Starting in the mid-’70s, young men’s wages declined, putting pressure on working-class families in particular. The major strains were cultural. Society became more individualistic and more self-oriented. People put greater value on privacy and autonomy. A rising feminist movement helped endow women with greater freedom to live and work as they chose.

...Finally, over the past two generations, families have grown more unequal. America now has two entirely different family regimes. Among the highly educated, family patterns are almost as stable as they were in the 1950s; among the less fortunate, family life is often utter chaos. There’s a reason for that divide: Affluent people have the resources to effectively buy extended family, in order to shore themselves up. Think of all the child-rearing labor affluent parents now buy that used to be done by extended kin: babysitting, professional child care, tutoring, coaching, therapy, expensive after-school programs. (For that matter, think of how the affluent can hire therapists and life coaches for themselves, as replacement for kin or close friends.) These expensive tools and services not only support children’s development and help prepare them to compete in the meritocracy; by reducing stress and time commitments for parents, they preserve the amity of marriage. Affluent conservatives often pat themselves on the back for having stable nuclear families. They preach that everybody else should build stable families too. But then they ignore one of the main reasons their own families are stable: They can afford to purchase the support that extended family used to provide—and that the people they preach at, further down the income scale, cannot.

... When you put everything together, we’re likely living through the most rapid change in family structure in human history. The causes are economic, cultural, and institutional all at once. People who grow up in a nuclear family tend to have a more individualistic mind-set than people who grow up in a multigenerational extended clan. People with an individualistic mind-set tend to be less willing to sacrifice self for the sake of the family, and the result is more family disruption. People who grow up in disrupted families have more trouble getting the education they need to have prosperous careers. People who don’t have prosperous careers have trouble building stable families, because of financial challenges and other stressors. The children in those families become more isolated and more traumatized.

Many people growing up in this era have no secure base from which to launch themselves and no well-defined pathway to adulthood. For those who have the human capital to explore, fall down, and have their fall cushioned, that means great freedom and opportunity—and for those who lack those resources, it tends to mean great confusion, drift, and pain.

... The people who suffer the most from the decline in family support are the vulnerable—especially children. ... We all know stable and loving single-parent families. But on average, children of single parents or unmarried cohabiting parents tend to have worse health outcomes, worse mental-health outcomes, less academic success, more behavioral problems, and higher truancy rates than do children living with their two married biological parents. According to work by Richard V. Reeves, a co-director of the Center on Children and Families at the Brookings Institution, if you are born into poverty and raised by your married parents, you have an 80 percent chance of climbing out of it. If you are born into poverty and raised by an unmarried mother, you have a 50 percent chance of remaining stuck.

... Consider single men. Extended families provided men with the fortifying influences of male bonding and female companionship. Today many American males spend the first 20 years of their life without a father and the next 15 without a spouse. Kay Hymowitz of the Manhattan Institute has spent a good chunk of her career examining the wreckage caused by the decline of the American family, and cites evidence showing that, in the absence of the connection and meaning that family provides, unmarried men are less healthy—alcohol and drug abuse are common—earn less, and die sooner than married men.

For women, the nuclear-family structure imposes different pressures. Though women have benefited greatly from the loosening of traditional family structures—they have more freedom to choose the lives they want—many mothers who decide to raise their young children without extended family nearby find that they have chosen a lifestyle that is brutally hard and isolating. The situation is exacerbated by the fact that women still spend significantly more time on housework and child care than men do, according to recent data. Thus, the reality we see around us: stressed, tired mothers trying to balance work and parenting, and having to reschedule work when family life gets messy.

Without extended families, older Americans have also suffered. According to the AARP, 35 percent of Americans over 45 say they are chronically lonely. Many older people are now “elder orphans,” with no close relatives or friends to take care of them.

Finally, because groups that have endured greater levels of discrimination tend to have more fragile families, African Americans have suffered disproportionately in the era of the detached nuclear family. Nearly half of black families are led by an unmarried single woman, compared with less than one-sixth of white families. (The high rate of black incarceration guarantees a shortage of available men to be husbands or caretakers of children.) ... Research by John Iceland, a professor of sociology and demography at Penn State, suggests that the differences between white and black family structure explain 30 percent of the affluence gap between the two groups.

... We can’t go back, of course. Western individualists are no longer the kind of people who live in prehistoric bands. ...We value privacy and individual freedom too much.

...Yet recent signs suggest at least the possibility that a new family paradigm is emerging. Many of the statistics I’ve cited are dire. But they describe the past—what got us to where we are now. In reaction to family chaos, accumulating evidence suggests, the prioritization of family is beginning to make a comeback. Americans are experimenting with new forms of kinship and extended family in search of stability.

... In 1980, only 12 percent of Americans lived in multigenerational households. But the financial crisis of 2008 prompted a sharp rise in multigenerational homes. Today 20 percent of Americans—64 million people, an all-time high—live in multigenerational homes.

...T he most interesting extended families are those that stretch across kinship lines. The past several years have seen the rise of new living arrangements that bring nonbiological kin into family or familylike relationships. On the website CoAbode, single mothers can find other single mothers interested in sharing a home. All across the country, you can find co-housing projects, in which groups of adults live as members of an extended family, with separate sleeping quarters and shared communal areas. Common, a real-estate-development company that launched in 2015, operates more than 25 co-housing communities, in six cities, where young singles can live this way.

[fablesrose]

Of Kings and Shadows XXIV

Description: Y/n, a girl who seems to have found her calling. Being a SHIELD agent is like a dream come true. With a friendship starting to form with the Avengers, she’s the Queen of the world! What could go wrong?

Pairings: Avengers x reader, Loki x reader (eventually)

Notes: I’m starting to say screw my schedule.

On Wattpad –> Here

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Remember Wanda, you're trying to get through to Y/n. I want you to not alert the Queen to your presence and avoid her thoughts all together if possible." Loki walked beside Wanda towards the basement of the compound. Y/n was being held in a specially made cell deep underground. It's been about a week since they had finally captured her, but she's only been in the cell for half that long since it took a few days to construct it. Her strength and powers providing a unique challenge. So she was kept in an induced coma of sorts until a more permanent solution was built.

Loki hadn't tried to communicate to Y/n since the battle that captured her. Instead, he decided to--he hated to phrase it this way--use Y/n as a sort of project to help Wanda hone her skills. Loki wasn't too sure what to expect of this 'project,' especially since he had seen Y/n's state of disarray, of which he hadn't told anyone yet. Loki utilized his silver tongue to the best of his ability to avoid the subject.

"Yes, so you've said more than once. Why is it such a big deal?" Wanda rolled her eyes subtly, just wanting to dig in.

"Because this is a very dark mind you will be going into at first and I would hate to have you make assumptions like you tend to do so often." Loki flicked her nose causing her to scrunch it.

Wanda sighed but chose not to reply.

They finally approached the cell. It was comprised of two chambers, one within the other. The outer walls were made of a one-way material with the insides slightly reflective as to be more efficient with the lights shining from where the walls meet. Inside the cube, there was a smaller area surrounded with a thick, nearly impenetrable, glass. Inside that was where Y/n was strapped down in a manner that made it impossible for her to gain an advantage. The restraining device was clear, as to prevent any shadows, and in order for them to make sure she didn't make any of her own, she was face down, arms resting below and to the sides of her head. She was tilted slightly up with her ankles strapped apart closer to the ground to make sure she still had the right amount of blood flow to her limbs.

The restrainment was meant to be temporary, not knowing how she would react to being locked away, but no one knew just how temporary. After all, Tony did, along with the cell and restraints, make the skin-tight jumpsuit that was covering her from neck, wrists, and ankles underneath the larger clothes made for more modestly. The specially designed suit was flexible, and hopefully comfortable (he didn't get the chance to try it on), but if the Queen decided to act out and try and break something, with just a press of a button or a call to Friday, the suit can lock itself in place making it impossible to move in.

Wanda and Loki took a step toward the cube quietly. While she could not see past the reflective walls, the cell was not soundproof. It had been decided that they would try to search through her head while she was not aware they were there.

With the Queen unable to move a limb, she stared at the floor blankly. Wanda took a deep, but silent breath and her eyes started to glow scarlet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt like a mess. It is such a strange sensation when you are simultaneously happy that you were caught, sad because you don't know how this will all play out, and terrified out of your fucking mind. All of this is spinning in my head, and usually, with these emotions you're body had a physical response, like a thundering heartbeat or heavy breathing, maybe even tears, but NO! Instead, my body is perfectly calm and stoic.

Logically, I knew I wasn't in the lightroom with Henry watching me cry and scream until my body can no longer handle any more pain, but there was still a lingering feeling that scattered some of my thoughts. Oh how desperately I wanted to be able to take a deep breath of my own accord to help me remain grounded, but that wasn't going to happen.

I tried to not think about it and roam my thoughts. I felt a bit better since I didn't have to focus on that song. I was able to think about myself and try to organize the small corner I was left. Sometimes I would poke and prod the wall that kept me trapped in, but it was like a thick, under-inflated balloon that I was in the middle in. It stretched if I pressed hard enough, but then snapped right back to where it was before, maybe smacking me in the face in the process. If I had a face inside my head.

So I wandered, trying to feel more like myself and focusing on my surroundings inside my head. It was almost like meditating. I think. I never got into that sort of thing when I had the chance.

That's when I felt something new in my head. It was another presence. Honestly, two was enough in here, especially if it wasn't pleasant. It didn't hurt per se, but it was a tad uncomfortable. It was like being pelted with sand in the wind, it stung and itched like a file to the skin. It was subtle enough that I could tell Noxy didn't know it was there, or if she did, she didn't do anything about it.

Fine, I'll do something.

I don't know who you are, but I would appreciate it if you got out of my head... NOW!

Whoever it was instantly recoiled at being addressed without warning and exited quickly, out of shock or obedience I didn't know at first until I heard a girl speak outside of my cell.

"You can sense me?!"

Well obviously, I spoke to her, but she didn't hear me since she wasn't in my head anymore. She didn't say anything else which made me curious as to what the heck was going on, but there's nothing I could do about it.

I twiddled my thumbs for a couple of minutes when another person started to wander around the edges of my little corner. I started to sigh about having to kick another person out, but then it kind of hit me that this presence felt familiar. Their magic was soft and smooth, the only way I could think to compare it was to silk, or maybe a barely cool flow of water, where sometimes you aren't quite sure where your skin ends and the water begins.

After weaving through the perimeter they started to reach out further into my little area.

Well, you're sure making yourself at home.

They didn't pause as they replied, The last time I was here I was a bit frantic, and you were indisposed, so yes, I think I'll take my sweet time. Glad to see you're doing better Y/n.

I chuckled recognizing the male voice, Loki...

Right you are my dear.

I felt a surge of peace, maybe even joy. Maybe I wasn't going to be all alone in here. Maybe I wasn't going to fade away with no one to remember me.

Probably the closest thing to a hug I've felt in forever enveloped me, Hey hey, you're safe now, it's going to be alright. We're gonna get you out of here. We just stayed there for a moment, me absorbing the first bit of happy feelings I've had in a long time. You were a bit rude to Wanda though.

Is that her name? Her magic feels like sandpaper. Plus, I don't know her, so I don't trust her. I kinda grumbled at him. I was tired of questioning, I just wanted, and needed something familiar.

Loki hummed at me, I have been working on that. Luckily for her non-telepaths can't tell she's spying, but when you are able to tell she's there, her magic is not pleasant. He took a deep breath, I understand, Wanda isn't going to be happy. Would you like me to initiate your examinations?

I mean, yeah, that'd be great, but did you really have to say it like that?

What do you mean?

I sighed before starting, I don't know, maybe 'hey Y/n would you like me to talk to you since you don't like any of the other telepaths in the building?' or how 'bout 'hey Y/n it's been great to see you're not dead and still slightly sane! Can I talk to you to make sure you don't lose that little bit of sanity that you've been clinging onto for the past who the fuck knows how long?!' I paused with a slight prickle of pain, Or something...

Loki let out an amused huff, It is extremely strange to be able to vividly imagine the facial expressions that go along with that while the face I'm physically looking at remains unmoving.

I wanted to raise an eyebrow at him, I think it's unfair that you can see me after all this time but I can't see any of you... but even if you did come into this cell, Noxy is keeping her eyes to the floor, so I still wouldn't be able to see you.

You must believe me when I say that this whole situation is unfortunate and that we are very sorry.

And I appreciate it Loki, I really do, but it does jack squat in making me feel better or getting me fixed, so...

Loki replied quickly, Of course, of course, and we are going to do everything we can to get you out of here, but it may take some time.

Well, I'm not getting any younger and unfortunately for you I'm not going anywhere. I wanted to wink, so maybe that intention was portrayed to him.

He chuckled, Indeed... Unfortunately, Fury wanted to know right away the progress of communicating with you, so I must leave momentarily.

Of course, wouldn't expect anything less... Tell them hi for me. I was a little surprised but glad that Nick was still in charge. I don't know why he wouldn't be, but the thought did cross my mind.

It felt like Loki smiled, I will. Hang in there Y/n.

Will do, don't leave me hanging for too long though. It's nice to hear a familiar voice.

Loki didn't answer, but he hesitated in leaving, telling me that he heard me.

I could hear the quiet footsteps and whispering as they left, not being as careful leaving as they were coming in. I didn't catch what Wanda said at first, but I was able to tune into the rest of the conversation.

"She doesn't want to talk to you because one, she doesn't know you and therefore doesn't trust you, and two, she said your magic feels like sandpaper," Loki spoke in a hushed, but honest tone to her that made her grumble.

"That's why you need to keep practicing, have I not said you need to work on your subtlety?" He sounded like a regular sports coach which made me laugh.

They passed out of earshot leaving me in silence. The terrible, horrid silence. I couldn't distract myself with anything anymore. I had sifted through my mind more times than I could count, because I've done it a lot of times, not because I can't count very high.

There wasn't even ticking of a clock I could listen to. I always forgot how much I hated the silence until I was stuck in it. It was worse since there was nothing I could do. I couldn't swallow to wet my dry mouth or cause a sound to echo in my ears. I couldn't wipe my sweaty hands on my pants and listen to the rub of different materials. I couldn't do anything, both because I didn't have a dry mouth or sweaty palms, and that I couldn't have moved in the first place.

No, all that was left for me to do was to sit there, sometimes hoping the darkness would envelop me, others just wishing I could scream. I decided to try to close myself off from the outside world for a little bit. It helps to put a little cushioning around and pretend that the only reason why it's so quiet is that I'm purposely blocking out the noise to focus on more important things. Like should I list all the songs I know in alphabetical order by artist or title? Maybe I could order all the people I know by friendship levels. I could rebuild by dream house, again.

I don't know how long Loki was gone, but eventually, he came back without a sound to come and talk for a moment more. I didn't even know when he got there nor did I notice when he tapped into my head. He had to do a little prodding to even get me to pay attention to him.

Y/n... Hey Y/n are you there?

I snapped out of imagining myself building a card house, Oh, yup, haven't gone anywhere.

Are you doing okay?

I showed him my imaginary project, Yeah, I mean, I've gotten pretty good at entertaining myself without actually doing anything.

Yes, I do believe you have done that.

So... What's up with Fury?

I got a few mixed signals, I couldn't tell if he was trying to cover up sadness with a happy facade or if it was the other way around, Well, he does seem hopeful, but he gave me a new assignment...

Oh? I swear if I have to deal with that irritating of magic for my 'therapy' (I'm calling it now, that's what it's gonna be) I'm just gonna let Noxy take me over. And what's that going to be?

Loki couldn't hide the feeling of a smile after he surely felt my annoyance, My assignment is you, I get to talk to you every day and try to break through this pesky corner you're stuck in.

I huffed at him, You suck, I hate you.

He laughed at me, You seem to hate me less than before you disappeared.

Like I said, you have no idea how nice it is to hear a familiar voice talk to me after how long I've been in here... I trailed off, a question suddenly coming to mind, How... How long have I been gone?

Total, or how long Noxy has held the reigns?

Both, please.

Loki took a pause where I imagined him swallow and take a deep breath, The operative that we knew as Queen surfaced a little over four years ago.

My mind churned uncomfortably with the length of my mental imprisonment, And how long have I been gone?

Nearly six and a half years.

Fuck... My mind was spinning incoherently with so many feelings that needed to be felt in the body, but couldn't escape the little corner I was confined in. I wanted to scream about... Everything! I found it in myself to say, That's a really long time.

I'm afraid it is. I don't want you to worry about that though. We are going to free you from this ghastly prison and you are going to do everything that you've ever wanted to do.

No more reports? I laughed at my own joke.

He laughed with me for a moment, but then spoke with disappointment, I wish that were true, believe me. Nick does want to hear of the day you were captured and pretty much everything you remember from your captivity. Do you remember?

I chuckled darkly, Hon, I remember everything I took the care to pay attention to. And believe me, they didn't take anything away from me memory-wise... Even if I wanted them to. I took a moment to calm myself, To answer your question, yes, I remember.

There were a few moments where neither of us spoke, to distract myself from the quiet I 'watched' the small, constant movements of Loki's magic that strangely felt green. Maybe it was just my knowledge of Loki that gave me a prejudice.

Y/n, I hope you know that you're okay now, you're safe...

I mentally sort of nodded at him before he continued with a different topic.

I'm afraid I have to go... Is there anything I can do for you? Get you?

I left a pause while I thought about it. I could be snarky and just ask to get out of this hell hole that is my own mind, but the longer the silence between us stretched I realized that something else that I needed. Vast emptiness seemed to flow around and through me.

Can you give me something to listen to? Please? He didn't answer me. He left my mind gently, and I couldn't even hear his footsteps as he left the room.

Music started to strum through the speakers. The rifts of the music calmed me with a song that I might have heard long ago, gently playing through the memories.

[imagine-loki]

Atlas, Space: Pluto

TITLE: Atlas: Space

CHAPTER NO./ONE-SHOT: 11/12

AUTHOR: fanfictrashdump

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine narrating episodes of Loki’s life with the Avengers based on the songs from Sleeping At Last’s “Atlas: Space” album.

RATING: T-M

NOTES/WARNINGS: Welcome to my Sleeping At Last’s Atlas: Space challenge, aka Another writing project I do not have time for, but my brain insisted on doing.

This series will be less like a multichapter fic and more of a one-shot compendium, but that they all interconnect in one way or another. It will revolve around Loki and Becca’s relationship (Taking Turns, Glow, Helmet Heists–don’t worry, more Loki-Charlie stuff will be along) and I will use those one-shots as reference to the timeline. Each chapter will be one song, used as inspiration for the story.

Chapter 11: Pluto

Summary: The nightmares still plague Loki at night, but every morning he realizes that he is alive, safe, and with the one person he adores above all else. 

Warnings include: Language, maybe? A little sad, but a payout of a very soft, loving Loki. He’s a bit of a dum-dum, but we love him, anyway. 

=

I woke up from the same dream Falling backwards, falling backwards Till it turned me inside out Now I live a waking life Of looking backwards, looking backwards A model citizen of doubt

After a month or so of waking early, enjoying each other’s warmth, and becoming reacquainted, neither Becca nor Loki had any plan on whether or not they needed to tell the remaining heroes that Loki lived. Becca had suggested that maybe the people of New Asgard would be glad to hear he was well, if he so desired to work for a place amongst his people. Loki had offhandedly asked what she would do in New Asgard, should they choose to go. When she said moving there was out of the question for her, he had promptly told her that it was for him, then, as well.

Rebecca had officially retired from Stark, Inc. Pepper had set up a retirement fund for her so comfortable that she could have lived twenty lifetimes off of it. It was too hard to go back and face the world without Natasha, Vision, and Tony. Especially Tony. Loki had offered up a small prayer for the warriors’ safe passage to Valhalla–although he loathed to admit, they were admirable, fierce defenders.

He had not even asked her how she had fared during the Snap, during the war. Something told him that that was one topic he should keep under wraps, if the way she bristled at their mention was any indication.

And so, they just didn’t tell anyone anything.

They lived their quiet, unassuming life together without any oversight. It still made Loki nervous, walking out in the world. He would look over his shoulder and get spooked by spectres his own mind conjured up. To say he was strung a little tight about the whole world was an understatement.

Until one day I had enough Of this exercise of trust I leaned in and let it hurt And let my body feel the dirt When I break pattern, I break ground I rebuild when I break down I wake up more awake than I’ve ever been before

Loki barely choked back the scream at his throat as he shot up in bed. He was covered in cold sweat, the sheets tousled around him as he kicked and struggled through the night. Surprisingly, his shifting had not woken Rebecca up, despite her being a notoriously light sleeper. He supposed their extended hiking trip that morning had worn her out more than he realized, but he was glad she was getting back the stamina she had been known for on the field.

With a deep breath, he wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to blink away the last of the nightmare.

Well, it wasn’t really a nightmare. More of a memory.

In his slumber, he had accidentally slipped through Becca’s mental barriers, something that used to happen quite often when they last dated. However, instead of laughter and warm days filling her memories, it was darkness and pain and hopelessness. His masochistic mind had wandered as far as it was physically possible for him to go, deeper and deeper into the recesses of her mind.

Still I’m pinned under the weight Of what I believed would keep me safe So show me where my armor ends Show me where my skin begins Like a final puzzle piece It all makes perfect sense to me The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity The heaviness that I hold in my heart’s been crushing me

He couldn’t believe she was still standing. Even knowing how strong she was–this world, this life; it should have broken her long ago. Instead, she forged ahead and she made every ache and pain the foundation for her next move. Though he was still shaking, he stopped fighting against the pain, instead embracing the ache, just as she had and let it sink into his being and guild his insides in warrior’s gold.

He didn’t stop crying until the sun was up and Becca stirred in her bed.

She rejoined the land of the living all at once, throwing the covers off of herself and scrambling to hold his face in her hands. “Loki, what’s wrong?”

The concern in her voice and in her eyes weighed harder on his chest. He didn’t mean to upset her, but he couldn’t help it. The raw emotions of a full decade were coursing through his veins and while it hurt, it made him feel closer to her than when they had been sharing each other in the night. Every crack and fissure in his semblance was perfectly reflected in hers, but, more importantly, he could see that there was a heart under it. He hadn’t felt his heart beat in a very, very long time. And it beat solely for the reason of making her smile.

I’ve been worried all my life A nervous wreck most of the time I’ve always been afraid of heights Of falling backwards, falling backwards I’ve been worried all my life

Here and now, Thor, Odin, and even Frigga did not matter. While he understood that perhaps they never bore him any ill will, there was glaring holes in the sentiment they had called love and the way they chose to offer it to him. Becca had never put any conditions on how to love him, or what was worth her affections. They were freely given, his for the taking, and foolishly pushed aside because he felt himself unworthy and unqualified. He had been taught that love had to be earned, and that he very rarely made enough of an effort to be worth even a drop. That was a lie. He knew that now.

Becca was shaking him slightly, frantically wiping away tears from his face and asking him questions. He couldn’t tell what she was asking for the roar of blood in his ears was far too loud. From her expression, he knew she was worried, but he couldn’t find it within himself to snap out of his reverie for the simple fact that within in all her memory of pain and disease and suffering, the sound of his name never bore distaste or disgust or hatred. Whenever she spoke his name, it was like a prayer or a conversation they had been having at the dinner table–it had been as if he had never left her, like his love rippled through the universe and echoed into her ear whenever she needed it.

Like a final puzzle piece It all makes perfect sense to me The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity

“Oh, my God,” she repeated, now bordering on manic. “Loki! Babe, talk to me, please,” she pleaded. His eyes blinked heavily, brushing away the state of mind he was in, and bright blue eyes cut up to her brown. “Loki, what’s wrong?”

“I love you.” It was so quiet that Becca had half-convinced herself he had not spoken until he did so again. “With every fiber of my being and everything I am. I love you and I have always loved you and I always will,” he declared, his voice raspy from crying. His hands had closed around hers on his cheeks.

Becca frowned. “I-I know that, Loki. I’ve know that for,” she sighs, puffing her cheeks out, “for fucking years. You’re just a moron with a misjudged savior complex.” With a breezy laugh, she bent to kiss him fervently, pulling a contented noise from his throat. “Are you OK?” She whispered against his lips.

The heaviness in my heart belongs to gravity

“Yes. Never better.” He grinned widely before he pulled her legs from under her and caged her under his form, the sound of her giggling echoing against the walls in the early morning hours.

[thevengeanceuniverse]

Truce? Ch 4.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25622497/chapters/63663991

“Hey, Tony, can we talk?” Steve stayed outside the door of the lab, projecting his voice through the air to get Tony’s attention. The other man continued in his actions, metal clanking on metal had he pushed various items across a table to clear space.

“You would think after the letter you sent that I never answered, the calls you made that I never picked up and the voicemails you left that I never returned, that you would get the message, Rogers.” Tony mused, pinning him with a frank stare. “You’re a master tactician, aren’t you? Learn to take the hint.”

Steve held up his hands placatingly, “I just need a few minutes.”

“Oh, but you see,” Tony shrugged, voice faux regretful, “that’s a few minutes too long since I have nothing to say to you and you have nothing to say that I want to listen to.”

When Steve made no move to leave, Tony huffed out an exasperated breath. “You have ten minutes. JARVIS, start the timer.”

Under his deadline, Steve stumbled over his tongue as he thought about everything he needed to say, all the words that had crowded his correspondence to Tony that hadn’t been returned. There was remorse for his actions, a sadness that the team was still broken under the surface, but at least the bitterness that Tony bothered to give Bucky a second chance when he could barely afford to give Steve a second had softened with time. Those few initials months, seeing his boyfriend and his…friend/ex-friend/teammate?—his Tony, be all friendly and carefree with each other had been a bitter pill to swallow.

Pushing aside those negative thoughts, he squared his shoulders and jumped right into it.

“I know you love Bucky.” He took a few measured steps forward, watching the way that Tony tensed at his approach before dropping his welder and mask to the ground with a resounding thud. Just like every other time they had come head to head, Tony stepped up and looked at Steve straight in his eyes, flinty and challenging.

Steve felt the inappropriate urge to smile. 

“I don’t care about Bucky,” Tony denied, just as Steve predicted he would. “The entire thing was just a charade, Rogers, you know that.”

Tony’s unwillingness to bend had been the one thing that Steve enjoyed about him the most, even as it infuriated him. Only Tony never stared at him awestruck, never looked at him as if all he saw was Captain America, the symbol, the hero. No, to Tony, Steve had always been flawed, had always been human and it wasn’t until he was seen again by those whiskey eyes that he realized how much he missed Tony’s gaze, his presence. 

“We both know that’s not true. You went from almost killing him and barely being able to stand him to giving him the best birthday present ever. Someone who didn’t care wouldn’t have bothered to do all that,” Steve pushed, blue eyes flickering between brown, taking in the stiff set of Tony’s spine and the way his hand twitched into a fist before he forced it straight. But still, he didn’t say anything.

It was different than with Bucky. In Bucky’s gaze was the reminder that he didn’t need to be superhuman to be worth something. It was true what he had said, Even when I had nothing I had Bucky. He has always had love when he had Bucky, even when the man himself didn’t even fully remember who he was and what they had together, they had love enough to reunite them, to help them rebuild. 

Tony was something else entirely. Tony didn’t remind him that he was worth something even without the serum, no, Tony made him want to be better than what the serum made him. Be more than even he thought he was capable of being.

He would probably hate to hear it, but Tony was part of the reason Steve chose to turn against everything he had in order to save Bucky. Because even while Tony had pleaded to him not to go, Tony was also the kind of man who would do the exact same in his shoes. He never hesitated to give up everything and anything for the ones he loved, even if he only had the slimmest chance of saving them.

Steve might have put a plane down in the Arctic when he lost Bucky, but it was Tony who taught him the true meaning of sacrifice. 

“You look at him the same way you used to look at Pepper,” Steve continued cautiously, balancing the part of him that wanted to say fuck it with diplomacy and the part that wanted to be careful of old hurts. “Are you hiding it because of me?”

Steve had been observing Tony from the moment he had come back to life after the Chitauri and that’s why he knew how Tony felt about Bucky just from the look in his eyes. Because whether Tony wanted to acknowledge it or not, they knew each other deeper than just friends. And however much he wanted to deny it, Tony Stark loved all too easily.

Tony glared. “I’m not hiding anything,” he denied again, quiet anger overlaying his words. “You’re the one with the specialty in that, remember?”

Steve winced at the harsh words but Tony’s glare didn’t shift. “Listen, Cap, you and your freeze-dried fella may share a brain and that’s fine. But don’t come down here and expect that we’re just going to braid each other’s hair and trade gossip about each other’s crushes like two bubblegum poppin’ preteens.”

Deciding that his face could take the damage if it came down to blows, Steve nodded shortly before daring to step closer until there was only a foot between them. “You’re right.” 

Tony watched him, saying nothing but at least he wasn’t looking longingly at Steve’s nose as if he was contemplating reshaping it anymore.

“It was stupid of me to just assume that written apologies would undo months of distance.” He raised his hand, palm up, open and hanging between them like a peace offering. “Truce? Just for this conversation?”

Tony eyed at the hand between them as if it was a poisonous snake about to strike. Eyes shifting from Steve’s earnest expression to his hand hanging in the open air, he released a disgusted huff. “You and Frosty are way too similar.”

“Is that a yes?” Steve wiggled his fingers in what he hoped was an enticing way, immediately feeling ridiculous. 

“Fine, truce, for now.” Tony reached out and shook his hand and Steve inwardly grinned, a mixture of relief and hope coursing through him.

The hope dimmed somewhat when instead of letting go immediately, Tony gazed at their joined hands in contemplation. 

“You know what the worst part is?” he said, voice serious. “Now that I know him, I understand why you were driven to do what you did. But I still can’t forgive you.” 

Solemn blue met whiskey brown.

“I know. I know that nothing I say is going to make up for the fact that I lied to you about the death of your parents. If it means anything, I do regret that I didn’t tell you sooner, that I hid it from you in the first place.” Unbidden, Steve’s throat choked up, remembering the betrayal on Tony’s face at the Siberian bunker, the hurt as he asked if Steve had known.

“I was just so focused on protecting Bucky, I didn’t let myself think about how you would feel about it. I meant to tell you eventually, but everything happened so quickly—” he cut himself off, shaking his head.

“No, that’s an excuse. Honestly, I was afraid to tell you. Afraid of how you’d react, of causing pain by digging up something that was already traumatic—and I pushed it to the side so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I’m sorry, so truly sorry, Tony, you have no idea.”

Tony said nothing, heart hanging onto Steve’s every word even as he cursed himself for being affected. God damn those earnest blue eyes, now shadowy in a way that said that the supersoldier knew loss all too well. Even angry, Tony couldn’t help but feel a desire to offer comfort for the man he had considered not just a teammate, but a friend.

“I know how hard it was for me to lose my mother, God rest her soul,” Steve continued, raising a hand and tugging it through his locks, lips twisted in a humourless smile. “If the truth about her death had been covered up in some way and one of my friends hid it from me?” Steve shook his head, eyes distant as he relived those days after Sarah Rogers passed, the pain of loss, the disbelief, the shock—as if he was numb and in agony all at once. “I would be devastated. You deserved more than that, deserved better from me as your friend and I feel horrible about that, especially knowing now that when you did find out, someone would be using your grief as a mere manipulative tool to hurt all of us.”

Sighing heavily, Steve waited for Tony’s response, wondering how different things would be if he had been honest from the beginning. If navigating the Accords hadn’t had made a powder keg of the entire situation. If Tony hadn’t been treated as a scapegoat for Sokovia. If, if, if. 

“Is that all you came to say?” Tony’s tone was carefully neutral, but Steve caught the way his hand was clenched, a slight tremble visible in his fingers that gave Steve hope that maybe, something he said had penetrated.

“Let’s go upstairs,” Tony decided, moving towards the door of the lab and ordering JARVIS to shut down and lock up. “I’m going to need a drink if this conversation continues the way it started.”

[alchemist-shizun]

To tend thee is my care

ACT I

ACT II - Read on Ao3!

See the awesome fanart!

Word count: 13,679 

Taglist: @lesbianturtle @len-art-trash @i-need-you-buddy @jeevashun @quietlypondering  @creativity-killed-thekitten @bookwyrminspiration @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing  @softanxiouspatton @be-more-chaotic @pheonix-inside-reblogs @www-dot-ohshit-dot-com @datfearlessfangirl @alltimevirgilant @royalnerd829 @just-fic-me-up @theblankest123 @theotherella​ @thesleepyraziel @gaylotusthatexists @sendingcookiesfromhell @mijako98 @logicalberry @maybe-i-like-the-misery @orderly-opaline @purpledemond

(Please tell me if you want to be added too for Act II!)

Characters: Virgil, Nonbinary!Roman

Summary: You’ve heard of enemies to lovers now get ready for acquaintances to friends to now we’re fighting because I’m scared of your rejection so I’m pretending it’s your fault when it clearly is mine to friends again, even though you’re an idiot, but I still love you to lovers. 

Roman and Virgil are both part of the theater group of their school, Roman is one of the actors, while Virgil is the head of the stage design group. Despite being in the same year and having lessons in the same building, they hadn’t really ever talked to each other, but everything was about to change when the teachers, heads of the whole theater group, announced that they were going to challenge themselves by presenting one of Euipides’ last plays: The Bacchantes. Follow our two main characters helping each other out as one is forced to learn how to act in a matter of months and the other goes through a journey of self-discovery as he studies his role.

Pairing(s): Prinxiety (I’m unpredictable)

Warning(s): Mild swearing, Death mention (mostly when talking about the tragedy), Blood mention (once), Negative thinking, Implied toxic parenting (once), [Me projecting heavily onto Virgil (also Ro at some point)]

A/n: I’ve been writing this for months and I can’t explain how proud I am to show you guys this! Before you start reading, I want to inform you that the school system I write about here is not the American one since I know little to nothing about it. Instead I’ll be using the one of my country for reasons of simplicity. (All names I use here are invented, so you can place the events wherever you’d like.) I thought about doing a long for this plot but I chose to write a one shot instead, since it’s pretty long I decided to divide it into two acts, the second one is coming very soon. I studied and read the whole play translated in my original language, that’s where the inspiration for my au came from. All the English translations I used for the play are from here, here and here. The song mentioned is So Contagious by Acceptance. That being said, hope you enjoy!

✾✾✾✾

What now?

It was during an October’s Tuesday that Virgil had started panicking due to school stress.

It wasn’t like his teachers hadn’t been pressuring his class ever since they entered their first fifth year lesson: partly because of the final exams, the rest of the time they asked about their university choices.

This year’s archaeological excavation, an experience reserved only to the students of his course, was also placed exactly in those three weeks of October were the theater group had started.

Tuesday in October for Virgil meant lessons until half past midday, research for the upcoming excavation exhibition until two p.m., theater club for an hour, then back to doing research with one of his teachers and half of his classmates until 17:00.

In all honesty, he wouldn’t have minded being buried alive when they’d have to cover back up the site.

Virgil had tried convincing himself that it wasn’t really that hard, besides the club had just started and the first few days were mostly focused on helping the first years settle, be comfortable with the teachers and also test out their abilities. And this one was only the second meeting.

But, of course, his day had to get worse. Life was trying him, and boy, did he hate sudden drastic changes.

It was when he noticed all the odd attention he was getting by the teachers that he realized something was definitely going to go wrong.

Everyone took a seat on the wooden bleachers of the old gym, they were basically attached to the pavement and the obnoxious yellow-painted walls of the large room. A quick glance around and you had the feeling that everything was going to collapse at any moment.

Virgil saw some familiar faces, some new ones, but he definitely couldn’t forget about the regulars: his beloved stage deseign group, which were a bunch of students that the teacher trusted him enough to take care of and teach them what they had to do during shows and how to prepare the stage. And next to them some actors from the last three years, Dave, Bonnie, Lukas and Roman.

He and Roman were the only ones brave enough to stick around even during the toughest year of that hellhole, so everyone silently respected them. And just as much as Virgil helped the newcomers in his group, Roman was happy to lend a hand in acting along side the most talented fourth and third years above mentioned.

« Well hello and welcome back here, guys! » Mrs. Michaelis had started, clasping her hands together, she was an English grammar and literature teacher.

After making sure everybody had arrived, they explained that since the week after they were going to see the first years’ “auditions” as they liked to call them, but they were really simply methods to check how promising someone could be at acting.

« I know this may sound shocking, we still can’t believe it- »

« Mostly because normally it takes us a couple of months before choosing a script. » Mrs. Eagan, an ancient Greek and Latin teacher, had interrupted, causing multiple chuckles from the students.

« … As I was saying, yes. We already know the play that we’ll be covering this year, we also have scripts ready for almost everybody. But there’s some news! »

« This year we decided to sign up our group and participate to some kind of challenge! » murmurs began to fill the room, as uneasiness set in Virgil’s stomach. Why make things harder for everybody? Wasn’t it just as good doing a simple show one night and one morning?

« Some, let’s say, “judges” are going to attend our play and afterwards, if they’re satisfied enough, they will let us take our production to the biggest local theater! »

The murmurs transformed into gasps, that theater was placed in the city of their province, getting an invitation was a huge challenge.

« And our play is going to be … » Mrs. Eagan’s eyes met Virgil’s and fixated on them. That’s when he began overthinking. Why was she looking directly at him? That never meant good news. « … Euripides’ tragedy, The Bacchantes. »

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Only his eyes widened among the confused looks of most of the students. He had studied that play, along side many other ones, in his fourth year. He did truly love them, but damn him if they weren’t already a challenge to portray.

« That’s right Virgil, you know it. » why was also the English teacher giving him his attention? What were they planning, did he have to explain the play to everybody?

All the students turned to face him, some quietly asking what was the plot, some fourth years of his same course demanded to know if it was a difficult topic.

« Easy now, everybody, he’s already been tested last year by Mr. Richardson. » one of the teachers interrupted, walking closer to the spot where Virgil sat, for some reason he had found himself next to the “talented actors group”.

They explained the plot for everybody after that.

« We know it might be real tough, so this year we already agreed on the roles beforehand. Don’t worry, if you didn’t get your time to shine this year, in the next ones you totally will. »

Wait, he wasn’t part of the actors group, why did this have anything to do with him? Why were they still staring at him?

To his relief, the teachers addressed the newcomers first. « We were thinking about giving the role of the chorus to the first and second years, they have long bits, but we can split them instead of making you all recite them, so that you don’t feel too burdened and the role becomes easy for all of you. »

« The roles of the messengers will be given to our third years, messengers are used to explain everything that happens that does not happen on scene. One of the rules for tragedies was that the scene had to take place in the same time and place. Also, they didn’t show blood and/or murders/suicides on scene. They were all narrated. »

« As for our three fourth years. » they looked over Virgil’s shoulder to Dave, Lukas and Bonnie. « Your roles will be Cadmus, Tiresias and Agave. They play a very important part in the whole story, we trust you’ll do a great job. »

« As for our main characters, Pentheus and Dionysus … » they set their eyes on Roman, who looked more expectant than ever.

But then they also shifted their glances to Virgil.

« We were thinking our only fifth years could have their roles as a good way of saying goodbye to them, since this will be their last play. » everybody else was nodding in agreement, Roman was beaming but slightly confused. Wasn’t Virgil part of the stage design group?

In fact, our little emo kid could only look back in disbelief.

« Roman, Virgil, would you like to become a king and a god, respectively? »

What now?

As the beloved actor was about to answer, Virgil interrupted with a shy apology. « I’m sorry, but there must be a mistake, I’m not part of the actors group, I’ve never acted in the past four years, actually. »

« We know Virgil, but we really thought it might be such a nice way of thanking you guys for your contributions all these years. »

Oh yes, you’re right, putting me in a stress condition by making me do something I have no idea about for a big project that could take us to one of the largest theaters of the country is definitely the best choice you could have made.

All he was able to say was a stuttering noise, as they continued with their little speech. « And Roman is such a good actor, he’s going to help you for sure, aren’t you? »

The mentioned boy nodded vigorously, then proceeded to show one of his brightest smiles. « I always come to the rescue of my fellow actors in need. »

Yeah. Amazing. He was stuck with their decision.

« Besides you already probably know each other pretty well by now, so it won’t be a problem! »

The two students looked at each other. The recognizable expressions of two teens that, despite being in the same year and club, had never said a single word to each other apart from when needed during rehearsals.

« … Right. »

« But what about my group then? » Virgil questioned, he was definitely not going to leave them behind just like that.

« You don’t have to worry about them. This year your History of Art teacher will be lending a hand with the stage and volunteered to be the head of the group. »

Right. Mr. Williams, one of the only teachers that were pretty tolerable in his class.

« And look at them. » he did so, and he was met with happy smiles and encouraging faces. « I’m sure they’ll do a good job after four years with you by their side. Right, Anastasia? »

Anastasia was one of the oldest of the bunch, if not one of the wisest and most skilled, sometimes they wondered if she could just do anything that crossed her mind. « You got it! » she leaned in as if to get closer to the older boy. « We’ll be cheering for you Virge! » she concluded, followed by a couple of “Yeah!“s.

Everybody was so joyful and expectant that he couldn’t help but comply, so he decided to simply sigh and reply with nothing.

As the teachers continued with their topics for the meeting, Virgil couldn’t help but have a single thought in his mind.

This is going to be the most awkward thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

✾✾✾✾

As soon as the meeting came to an end, Virgil was fast to get up and rush towards the dungeon’s stairs that would lead again to the surface. Basically there were two buildings, the school and the gym, linked by a little dungeon were there were all the labs and computer rooms.

He had to get back to the library as soon as he could, or god knows what “you’re late” speech his teacher would have given him. He was always literally on the verge of marking his students as absent if they didn’t show up to the lesson in the exact minute before the bell rang.

Virgil decided to panic about the dumpster fire that had come his way during the meeting after that. One issue at a time. First of all, he had to reach the stairs’ gate and push-

« Hey! Wait for me. »

God, he didn’t have time for this. He kept walking, ignoring the voice behind him and hoping for it to give up and leave him to his well-deserved peace and quiet. At least for three minutes.

As he walked, he found none but Roman himself matching his pace and walking by his side with a curious look. Who could blame him for wanting to be nice?

« You forgot your stuff in your classroom too? » he tried, not a brilliant starter for a conversation, but he had to get something out of the boy.

« No. » cut and dry, that was the only thing that Virgil dared to let escape his mouth.

« Where to, then? »

« The library. »

« Oh, are you waiting for a bus? Maybe I could keep you company. »

« Listen. » they made to a stop as they reached the last floor, not that far off from Virgil’s destination. « Today’s already been as stressful as it is, could you just … go straight to the point? I don’t have much time here. »

It was not like he had meant to sound rude, it wasn’t like it was his purpose either to brush off someone just like that or to see the other boy’s hurt expression. But he had reached a limit in which he didn’t really care-

« Oh, my apologies, then. »

And there was the guilt.

« I was just wondering if we could exchange numbers, if it isn’t uncomfortable for you. I guess we’ll need to hang out in the future. » he tried to sound as confident as he could, but it was as if “awkward” was scribbled all over his face.

« Sure, are you asking me on a date next? » with all the sarcasm injected in his words, he sure as hell wasn’t expecting Roman’s remark.

« Well, if you wouldn’t mind. » a sly smile made its way through the actor’s face, but was soon replaced by a troubled expression when he saw Virgil’s eye roll and sigh.

« Was I … was I too straightforward? I didn’t- »

« You’re fine, calm down. » Virgil quickly took out his phone and unlocked it before passing it to the other student. As he quietly typed after a murmured “alright”, Virgil couldn’t help but wonder if he had ever upset anyone with his bold statements. It wasn’t like this town was open minded, while he seemed … particularly flamboyant.

Before he could finish his thoughts, he had his phone back in his hands and the not-so-much-stranger-anymore was already heading towards his classroom to get his backpack.

« I sent myself a message. » he warned, then he disappeared and reappeared in a matter of seconds, marched down the hall and flashed him a toothy smile while waving his hand.

« Don’t be a stranger, I’ll see you tomorrow! »

Virgil only nodded and found it impossible to take his eyes off of him until the last lock of hair had vanished down the stairs, wondering what had just happened. Maybe that was the magic that worked on his public every year.

He gave a rapid look at the screen of his phone, noticing that the boy had saved himself as “Princey” with a star emoji right next to it.

This time, he entered the library with an amused expression.

✾✾✾✾

Roman kept repeating in his mind that it wasn’t his fault.

Yes, it was Firday. Yes, he had gone the rest of the days without a single word to Virgil, not even when he noticed him in the halls during break or when they either entered or left school. Some days he didn’t even see him.

Yes, he could have texted him. But it felt too weird, yet, they didn’t know each other at all! Plus they didn’t even have the script ready.

Yes, he felt like he had the weight of this play’s success completely on his shoulders and depending on him and still shied away from acknowledging it.

But Virgil kept avoiding him! He couldn’t do much without him.

If he saw him during the ten minutes break, Virgil would walk past him without a second thought as if he didn’t think he needed to talk to him.

Some other times he pretended he didn’t even see him. It was getting tough to even have his attention anymore, as if he had to be added to the mean girls table. He needed a miracle.

And maybe the deities were in his favor that day.

As Roman walked down the path that was made next to the plaza, he noticed a familiar little figure sitting on a bench with a backpack next to him and earbuds in his ears. He was watching in front of him as life flew by and didn’t notice Roman approaching at all.

« Virgil? »

The boy in front of him jerked his head up and took out both of his earbuds; his clothes looked much more worn and randomly put together, as if he had dressed himself in the dark. What got Roman the most was the quantity of dirt that was on them and … was that blood under some of his nails?

Roman dropped his bag on the bench, worry expanding in his chest. « Oh my goodness are you okay? » he made to reach for his hand, only to stop himself just in time to remind him of personal space.

Virgil gave him a confused look and brought his fingers to his eyes, close enough to examine them. « Not again. » he groaned, a huff coming out of his lips.

« Wait, I should have something. »

« You don’t have to, it’s noth- »

« Here! » Roman grabbed a box from his bag triumphantly, he took a couple of plasters and waved them in front of the other.

« Why do you even have so many? »

« What can I say, I’m a clumsy person. »

« Mh. Charming. »

« At least I rescued you! Now, show me your hands. » he ordered, but as soon as he saw Virgil’s mouth open to argue, he was ready to remark « I don’t care if you can do this by yourself, you have literally injured fingers, let me help. »

Seeing that there was no other way out of it, he complied.

As soon as he placed his hands over his fingers, Roman couldn’t help but notice how different their skin tones really were compared to one another, sure the difference was obvious at first glance, but seeing it this close was completely something else. He gently dabbed the fresh blood away with a tissue he had taken out with the box a few instants earlier.

Three plasters and a thank you later, the concerned face came back again and Virgil wanted nothing more than the sweet liberation of death. What was his deal, did he never dig on dirt as a child?

« How did you get hurt? »

Virgil simply pointed behind his shoulders, where Roman could only see a huge pile of dirt resting against a tree. He tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, a sight the other would have found endearing if only he wasn’t so exasperated and tired.

« I’ve been working all day, Princey. »

Roman smiled at the familiar nickname, but still found confusion in his thoughts. « Aren’t you supposed to be at school? »

« It’s linked to school. Haven’t you heard of the excavations that our school is doing? »

Now that he mentioned that, he had heard a bunch of things, but never really paid attention since it was something that wasn’t related to his course.

Roman attended the Languages course, in which he could learn Spanish and French, other than his mother language, with literature comprehended, and all the experiences linked to it were the cultural exchanges during the third and fourth years.

Virgil, otherwise, was part of the Classical course, meaning that he had signed his death certificate by committing to five years of learning ancient Greek and Latin plus the respective literature as main subjects. But other than that and the famous one week school trip to Greece every three years, Roman had no clue what they did other than study until they couldn’t remember their own names, just like any other student.

Yeah, they couldn’t say their school system was perfect.

« I don’t exactly know every detail. Are you guys doing this? »

« Kind of. What we’re doing is carry on with the work we did the past two years, where we had opened other excavations. Let’s say we’re looking for clues. We’re supervised by an actual archaeologist though. »

« That’s so cool! Did you find any gold? » Virgil wasn’t really expecting such excitement coming from Roman. Apart from the all too familiar question, he often found his interlocutors to be pretty uninterested by the topic.

« No gold, but … remember last Tuesday? » Roman nodded attentively.

« On that morning, during one of Mr. Richardson’s lessons, one of our classmates video-called us saying there was an urgent matter to show us. They had found possibly a Roman coin. » he tried to bite back the smile that threatened to form on his lips at the joyful memory, but nothing could take away that particular twinkle in his eyes.

« Are you serious?! That’s wonderful, what if you find a hidden treasure? »

« Unlikely, but it would be nice. »

« Wow. » Roman breathed out, staring at the scene beside his … new acquaintance? « How did you hurt yourself, anyway? »

« See that pile of dirt? I’ve been scanning every bucket full of soil that was thrown in there. My job was searching in the dirt for possible relics that were missed out while others did the digging. We installed a little assembly line. And running your fingers through that for hours makes you sore I guess. »

« That doesn’t seem very fun, though. »

Virgil shrugged. « I didn’t mind. I like working by myself, especially when the job is as simple as it is important. » And it was true, it wasn’t like the archaeologist put him there because he was just hopeless with the other instruments, every little clue was important and looking for them was a crucial point that can be easily taken care of if you’re a perfectionist.

Plus, the archaeologist seemed to have taken a liking into Virgil, so that didn’t make him feel left out at all.

« Even though, today one of my classmates came to help me. » the boy turned to see that Roman was still listening to him, with no intention of changing the subject. That was new, too.

« You know those terribly annoying ones? He slowed down our chain to the point that he had to argue with this girl that was in dire need of empty buckets while we still had all of them full because he wanted to look through every inch of dirt before handing it out. » he let out a deep sigh, as if he had just been venting for hours.

« That was pretty idiotic, what happened then? »

« Uh, well, we went back to working, just as I was doing before he came to help. »

Roman snorted, imagining the scene in front of his eyes. « So he made a fuss only for it to go back as before and prove him wrong. I’d say he’s pretty amazing. »

« Yeah. » Virgil agreed, « Anyway, sorry for rambling. » he added in a lower tone, while checking his phone for notification, before putting it away quickly.

Roman arched his eyebrow at his words. « As someone who whines constantly, I don’t really think you should worry. »

At least, that succeeded to steal a chuckle from the tired one.

« Did you find anything? » Virgil was really starting to believe this guy couldn’t have a minute of pure silence.

« Well, there’s always a couple of bones, some weird ferric objects, teeth and … » he stopped, remembering the event of the week before.

This time, a wide smile appeared before he could stop it as he searched through his phone’s camera gallery; it was the one thing he was real proud of, possibly the prettiest of his findings.

He handed the phone over to Roman, whose eyes widened at the sight, in front of him he could see a pic of a piece of ceramic with white, brown, yellow and blue decorations, dirt was still covering it, but you could already make out how beautiful it was.

« You found this in here? »

« Yes, it was amazing. I was standing there, » he pointed to a vague direction in front of the dirt pile, excitement rising in his chest as he remembered. « and someone was throwing the dirt on the pile and I recognized the bottom of the piece. We had already found other ceramics and I was hoping it was one too. So I picked it up as soon as I spotted it and there were at least three inches of dirt on top. I moved it away with my thumb and I was met with that decoration. I think I might have yelled. » he leaned in to take another look at the pic, as if never satisfied with it.

Roman certainly didn’t miss how bright he appeared when he was talking about the excavation, all the tiredness was gone and the pain in his whole body caused by eight hours of work was long forgotten. He looked genuinely happy, a contrast to his unusual dark and broody persona.

« Did you choose you university yet? » he had a thought, while handing the phone back, which could have maybe helped the injured boy.

« Jumping a bit? Uh, no, honestly I have no idea. »

« Ever thought of doing something with archaeology? »

« Uhm … » Virgil tapped his fingers on his palm. It wasn’t like he hadn’t considered the possibility in the past, but he had been told that it was probably too hard and maybe too boring from his point of view. On the other hand he truly enjoyed working in the site …

« You still with me, buddy? You don’t have to choose in the next five minutes. »

« Shut up, I was thinking. »

« Your thinking is too loud. »

« And here I was considering you as actually not that bad. »

« I know you secretly admire me. »

« The important thing is you believe that. »

Their wise and profound conversation was interrupted by Virgil’s ringtone going off, he picked up, had a brief talk and tucked the phone away in his pocket.

« My mother’s arrived to pick me up. » he informed, pointing at a car parked a few feet away from them.

They both stood up, but none of them made to move at all.

« Uh, I was thinking … » Roman struggled to find the right words, as if anything he said might offend Virgil at any given moment. « I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but maybe we could meet up sometimes to talk about the play? Or I could start helping you as soon as we get the scripts. »

Virgil made a face, as if he had been trying to forget a bad nightmare and had just been reminded of it. Still, he had no right to escape that any further, and he was already anxious about not being able to make it in time, even before he could start learning his lines. So maybe starting to work on it sooner wasn’t that bad of an idea.

« Sounds good. » he hesitated, not sure how to continue, when an idea sparked in his mind. « Maybe I could give you some insight on the tragedy. »

« That’d be awesome! When are you free? »

Hah. « During week-days I’m busy until five p.m. everyday. At least for another week, when this project will be over. »

That explained why he was still in town at almost six p.m.

« You guys dig everyday? »

« Something like that. We’re divided into two groups and we dig every other day. When we don’t we still have to stay at school and do researches for the final exhibition. »

Roman’s eyes lit up at the last words, he was going to ask him about it the next time the occasion presented itself.

« That sucks. Okay, look, I don’t wanna steal anymore time from your beloved mother, so I’ll text about it to you later, okay? »

« Cool. » Virgil raised his hand and waved it ever so slightly.

Roman returned the good-bye and got back to his task, marching down the sidewalk, but as Virgil had just opened the door of his mother’s car, he remembered to yell “And don’t forget to get some rest, I’m starting to confuse your makeup with your dark circles!”.

Virgil got into the car with an exasperated sigh and found his mother giggling to herself while she looked at him.

« Was that a friend? »

« God I hope not. »

✾✾✾✾

Tuesday came back in a hurry, along with the theater club, some worried and some bored students. Virgil stood in the middle of “time to panic and/or cry” and “if I don’t fall into eternal slumber right now I will burn this building to the ground”.

If he could name some of the most atrocious backstabbers he had ever met, he’d instantly name his teachers: at first they told his class they’d make it easy for them since they were so busy with the project, now they pretended the students had to be more organized with their studying and homework. Tests and interrogations had been made despite them being at least nine hours at school instead of five, some even coming home later than that.

In a word, they didn’t care, it was the students’ fault.

Virgil had his back against the wall, sitting on the top step of the bleacher with his legs close to his chest, the meeting had been starting for a couple of minutes and, of course, he didn’t have anything to do except hating himself and wait for another uneventful hour to pass.

« Hey Gerard Way Too Dark, look what they gave me. »

Or maybe not.

Virgil looked up to be met with Roman standing in front of him with two binders in his hand: the two of them had agreed on meeting up only when school would let them breathe enough to find a single day where they were both free from studying. Which was yet to be a thing.

The beloved actor handed him one of the binders, it read the title of the play, the author and the characters. He didn’t like how his role was the very first one on the list.

« At last. » he dryly commented, flipping the pages quick enough to not read a single actual word out of it.

Roman sat down next to him and examined the first page, as if looking for some kind of unspoken treasure, then he turned to take out a stash of highlighters Virgil had no clue where he kept. He showed them to him, waiting for him to pick a color.

By the looks of them, they seemed brand new and neatly arranged in the colors of the rainbow. Virgil picked out the lilac one, he had always preferred the gentler colors, it made it easier to study with the lights on.

His colleague chose the red one and began going through the pages and highlighting all the lines he had to learn as Pentheus.

Silently, Virgil did the same with the lines Dionysus said, recalling the scenes as he went through them. Though … he noticed there were far too many. He never realized how impossible it looked in his eyes until he had it plainly laid out in front of him.

Great, you’re going to mess this up, you won’t ever be able to do this in time. Plus you’re probably going to forget everything the moment right before going on stage. Who thought this was going to be a good id-

« Are you okay down there? »

He didn’t realize he was rubbing at his face with his hands, while trying to shake off the storm forming in his mind. In doing so, he had also let the marker fall to the wooden step with a clatter, which caught the other’s attention.

« Yeah, ’m just tired. » he managed to let out through his fingers in a muffled sound.

Roman made a humming noise, then proceeded to cast aside all his stuff and let himself relax against the wall. « Then I’d say we call it a day and sleep until it’s time to part ways. »

Virgil looked at him, surprise written all over his face, wasn’t he supposed to work even harder than normal because of the occasion? Either way, he mirrored the boy, pulling up his hood so that he could find some comfort.

« I think I’m too worried about all this mess, » he retorted, gesturing at his script. « to be able to even close my eyes. »

« Then tell me about it. »

He considered the option, he did actually promise him he’d do it before, besides he’d be distracting himself from the impending doom, be actually productive and explaining the tragedy to the actor. A double win for both parties.

« The story is centered around this group of Bacchantes that came from Asia and want to enter Thebes and spread their cult, they’re also guided by a lone nomad that none knows is actually Dionysus, the founder of the cult itself. » he turned to face Roman, in a silent “tell me where I lose you” manner.

« They are stopped by Pentheus, now king of the city, son of Agave and nephew of Cadmus, the founder of Thebes. Tiresias is a famous seer that understands the potential of the cult and invites Cadmus to preach the god with him. They try to reason with Pentheus, but it’s all in vain. In the meantime, while this king is busy insulting the cult, Dionysus makes all the women of the city go mad and follow the Maenads. »

« Payback? »

« More like first warning. » Virgil counted to one on his right hand for emphasis. « After that, Pentheus sent his soldiers to capture him. And they succeeded, he didn’t resist and kept up his act, only to free himself of the chains thanks to his magic. When Pentheus found him, Dionysus pretended he was helped by the god and began charming him until the king gave in. »

« You mean, how he made him dress up as a Maenad? »

« Yes, but not only he did that, he drove him crazy, too. » did anyone else ever notice the slight green spots in Roman’s brown eyes or was it just the trick of the light? Virgil couldn’t tell, so he decided to explain further. « Pentheus claimed to be seeing double and having hallucinations. He was also very careful of his clothes, hair and posture, he wanted to be the perfect Maenad. He tried to convince himself it was for disguise purposes, but in my opinion he was rather enjoying that dress-up. »

« Really? » Roman questioned, he still had to look into his character, the more he knew about him, the better he could portray him. He always took every bit of information he could find, to the point in which he could somehow relate to them or at least be able to link him and the role. That way, he was able to love acting as every single one of them.

« You need to read their last conversation. Even you would say that at first glance. Anyway, the play ends with the Bacchantes shredding to pieces the body of Pentheus. The practice is called “sparagmòs”. After that Agave and Cadmus have a touching scene and it ends there. A bit shocking for her since she just killed her son, but the god made sure the women all saw a beast instead. »

« That’s cruel, though. »

« Princey, he disrespected a fucking god, dying is the least that could happen to him. »

There was the nickname again. And, as if on cue, Roman’s lips twitched into a small smile that disappeared right after. He wasn’t aware of the reason why he didn’t want to get caught, but … did Virgil really not remember?

« He didn’t give him a chance to apologize! »

« Then again, the cult of the Bacchantes includes a ritual where a human needs to be sacrificed. If he had ever been sorry, Dionysus would have probably ordered him to sacrifice himself so that he could be satisfied and purified by his action. »

« Okay, okay. » Roman put his hands up in surrender. « I recognize I’m talking to a smart one over here, I give up. » he pretended he was waving a white flag to his side.

Virgil chuckled at his words. « I’m actually just average, but I can be passionate about some things, too. »

« Just average? I doubt all of your classmates still remember the entire plot of a tragedy and also can provide conspiracy theories. »

« Conspiracy- what are you talking about? »

« You know I’m right, you were totally on the verge of geeking out about this one. C'mon who’s your favorite character? » the actor mocked resting his face on his palms while a sly expression surrounded him.

« I will throw you off the stairs the next chance I have. »

« Good luck with that since you can’t even reach. »

Oh that was the last fucking straw.

Virgil turned his head to look at him in the eyes so rapidly that Roman feared his neck would give in and break right then and there. But the most disturbing image was the rage that was forming around the boy’s aura.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t the wisest thing to-

Virgil surged forward in a sudden movement and the actor jumped away pleading for salvation, it was only when he heard a foreign laugh that he turned around only to be met with the same dark and stormy guy, doubled over himself with laughter, teasing Roman.

« Did you seriously think I was going to attack you? »

« You can be scary sometimes, shut up! » heat began running in Roman’s cheeks out of embarrassment and he pretended nothing happened while Virgil quieted down next to him.

It was exactly in that moment that the meeting was called off.

As Roman followed him to the library, he wondered if that was going to be a regular thing after-

You idiot, this is the last week of your project.

« Oh, by the way. » Virgil stopped at the top of the stairs. « Don’t take it personally if I brush you off or disappear for the next few days, but the exhibition’s coming and I still have no idea what to say. »

« Talking about efficiency. » the actor rolled his eyes, recalling a few other examples he could give on the marvelous organization of teachers.

« Yeah, our teacher gave us tons of useful information. » he dead-panned, approaching the library’s doors.

« I will forever respect you for putting up with Mr. Richardson. »

That was able to get a chuckle out of Virgil.

« See you around, Pentheus. »

And with that, Roman was left walking home by himself with the warm feeling of having made a new possible friend spreading in his chest.

✾✾✾✾

It was Saturday morning when he noticed the fliers hanging around school. They showed a bunch of excavation pics and the subject of an archaeological exhibition centered around the school’s town. Roman took note of the date: it was exactly that same day!

So that was how he found himself during afternoon pacing around the plaza and stepping into an old tower, where a little crowd of at least fifteen people of all ages were standing and listening attentively to a student. There was only a little group of them, which he figured was because the exhibition took place multiple times during the week.

He just wondered if he had been lucky enough to find …

As he made his way through the front, so that he could see all the materials and boards exposed he heard the female voice say « Now I will turn it over to my classmate, Virgil! »

As soon as he heard his name, he followed her gaze and finally met an unusual sight: instead of the usual hoodie, he wore a black button up shirt and skinny dark blue jeans that might as well have been mistaken for the same other color. So he did know how to be fancy if he wanted.

Before he began explaining, he noticed Roman standing right next to their theater teachers and bit back a smile. He didn’t recall inviting him, actually he hadn’t wanted anyone he knew to witness him mess everything up as he was used to do. So what was he doing there?

Virgil welcomed everybody once again, then turned over to all the materials exposed.

And when he started talking, Roman was enthralled.

He didn’t know if it was the way the words rolled down his tongue, how he brushed the objects as if they were sacred treasures that would turn into dust at the slightest touch, or the sparkle in his eyes when he took in everybody’s attention and curiosity.

But there was a thing he did recognize: it was passion, that was definitely what he was radiating, the one emotion he knew all too well which helped him getting his public hanging at the edge of their seats.

And this time, he was the hooked one.

The two locked eyes multiple times, Virgil was surprised enough to find comfort in having someone to constantly smile at him, or in Mrs. Eagan’s nodding, in all those mouthed “you’re doing great”. He couldn’t stop going back at them everytime he looked up.

Before anyone knew it, his time was over and the group moved onto the last part of the exhibition, which was outside; the crowd followed the last student to the site that was still open and the remaining students in the room sighed with relief as Mr. Richardson followed them too for the final thanks.

Some minutes and a standing ovation later, Roman was already back into the small room as bright as ever, walking toward his favorite little archaeologist.

Virgil paced towards him at the same time, hissing a “what are you doing here?” while a small grin let itself spread on his face.

With no warning and an abrupt move, Roman’s arms had already wrapped themselves around the other boy’s upper chest, lifting him a little in the process.

Well, that was definitely new.

Not being used to such excitement, Virgil was only able to awkwardly return the hug after an initial moment of vacillation. Seeing his energy on stage was a thing, experiencing it like that was completely something else, but deep in his heart he knew it wasn’t a habit he wouldn’t have liked to adapt to.

Wait, what was that thought coming from? Why would he have to adapt to anything, he was just going to help him through acting and that was it.

Still, a new friend wasn’t a bad idea either …

« You did amazing! » was what Virgil heard after being released from the embrace, but not quite completely as Roman was still holding onto his arms.

He blinked a few times. « What are you talking about, I messed up and started stuttering at one point- »

« Oh shut up and let me compliment you, I didn’t even remember you did, king of modesty. »

« More like king of self-deprecation. »

« Can you stop for once in your life? »

Right in the short amount of time they weren’t talking, a single line caught their attention.

« Look at all this trash. »

What?

« Yeah, these are all so obviously fake. »

Thunderstorms.

Thunderstorms and lightning, howls of rage formed in Virgil’s chest, burning in a bonfire which heat traveled through his blood and reached his eyes only to darken them with fury.

His body stiffened, he wanted to scowl at them and tell them how wrong they were, just how dare them invalidate all the hard work of three weeks?

« Oh, Virgil! » Roman seemed to distract him, but he had a plan in mind as he moved both of them close to the materials table. « Remember that day I visited you while you guys were digging? »

But there wasn’t any- was he onto something? « Oh, yeah, you were walking home from school and you decided to stop. » he played along, as his friend nodded, making sure to be heard by the rude couple.

In the meantime, one of the students had gone out to update their teacher on the situation.

« Yeah, when you found that beautiful ceramic piece! » Roman turned to recognize the piece he had seen in the pic he had been shown, then pointed it. « Is it that one? »

« Yes, I can pick it up for you. » Virgil did so as he spoke.

« Wow, it’s even more gorgeous. »

« We had a hard time cleaning everything, so we tried to do the best job we could. Getting dirt out of bones is also … not super easy. »

« You guys are awesome. » Roman kept glancing around the room arranged for the exhibition, while the now embarrassed couple decided to leave under the incinerating stare of Mr. Richardson who had just came in to witness the situation.

Everybody in the room went to either grin or laugh inside, while the two boys shared a high five.

After making sure everything was under control, the teacher decided to begin cleaning up the place, so all the guests that stayed to chatter were dismissed.

« Hey, uh … » Virgil struggled to get out his voice, a little for being tired, a little because in moments of shyness his tone would go out as nothing more than a simple mutter. « Thank you for earlier and … also for coming, I guess. »

« Both of them were my utter pleasure. » Roman had a thing for being extra, and if he chose that aesthetic, he better had to stick to it by doing a theatrical bow at his friend.

« You are a nerd. »

« With style! »

« Whatever helps you sleep at night. » Virgil turned around to face the tower and began walking away. « See you around, Princey. »

There went another one.

Roman had to giggle quietly to himself, every single time his mind traveled to that one particular moment back in the first year when-

« You know, this is what I was talking about. »

He felt a presence walking by his side, suddenly, and found Mr. Eagan glaring at him with an almost nostalgic look.

« I’ve been telling him for years that he has the acting potential. » she sighed while Roman simply nodded along. « He’s been getting better, you see this isn’t the first exhibition they do, I’ve seen them all. »

« Oh, really? »

« Yes. And you can totally sense how much emotion he’s putting, you can tell he’s invested. »

« I agree, I’ve had the occasion to see that. »

« And honestly I feel bad for forcing him into this play thing … but I’m sure he’s going to shine. I’m so proud of him. » she smiled at herself, then stopped in her tracks and looked up at her student. « And I’m also sure you’ll do a good job. Bring out his talent, Roman. In your own special way. »

He remained speechless for a moment, just how much trust did these teachers actually have in both of them? He found it endearing, he felt almost as if they had some kind of motherly appreciation towards them.

« Thank you. We’ll work very hard on this one, you’ll see! »

They exchanged their farewells and Roman headed home, this time by himself, having all kinds of thoughts in his mind.

But most of all, he felt worried.

All of a sudden, it seemed like a blank page was being replaced in his head instead of all the knowledge apprehended through his life.

He had no idea how to start helping Virgil.

✾✾✾✾

Despite the initial awkwardness, things had begun to go way better than both of them had imagined. The occasional staying late after the theater meetings had allowed them to grow closer, so much that they at least shared a few words during break every day at school. And that was a huge effort for Virgil as he preferred to stay in class where almost none hanged around and simply scroll through his phone, waiting for the last two dreadful hours of lessons.

And, well, random texts weren’t late to arrive to the party, too.

Princey: okay but can we talk about what an idiot Pentheus is?

Vee: this is a weird midnight text to get, but go off I guess

Princey: I’m serious! Come on, like why don’t you just let people do their thingsss

Vee: Oh you’re taking this to heart, alright

Princey: Yeah?? Am I not supposed to be emotionally invested in my own play?

Vee: You’re talking as if you’ve written it

Princey: Maybe I did

Vee: gasp are you Euripides reincarnated

Princey: The one and only

Vee: My apologies sir, you have all the rights to whine about your own plot

Vee: I also have no clue how you know english

Princey: It’s the muses’ power!

Vee: Melpomene?

Princey: Bless you

Vee: Wow okay, go to sleep

Princey: Sleep is for the weak

Vee: And you’re gonna be weak in the morning so it really doesn’t matter

Princey: Alright, mum, why would you stay up then?

Vee: Reasons

Princey: Are you still scrolling through Tumblr and sticking to your natural emo kid persona?

Vee: ouch

Vee: no,  but I’d love to

Princey: mhh then you forgot to do homework or study?

Vee: You know me, I’m too anxious about my parents’ judgment to do that

Princey: demanding parents?

Vee: sorta.

Princey: sore topic?

Vee: Yup.

Princey: Alright then, you’re watching a movie? An anime?

Vee: No, I’m just talking to an idiot who won’t go to sleep

Princey: Oh I see, sounds like a total badass guy fighting the system

Vee: Yeah, fighting his body’s shut down system if he doesn’t get enough sleep.

Princey: bold of you to say that when we’re in the same situation

Vee: listen we’re talking about you stay focused

Princey: you know I’m right

Princey: C'mon why are you still up

Vee: no reason tbh

Vee: I just can’t seem to fall asleep so I’m tyring myself out until I can pass out on my bed

Princey: thaaat doesn’t seem very healthy

Vee: I never said I wanted to take care of myself

Princey: LOVE  YOURSELF BITCH

Vee: HAH

Vee: no.

Princey: i will make you!!

Princey: one day we’ll have a big relaxation day and you will be able to see the beauty in yourself!!

Vee: sounds unrealistic i’m in

Princey: come on work with me emo nightmare

Vee: i’m too lazy to live i’m sorry

Princey: then why don’t you just s l e e p

Vee: bc my sleep schedule is a mess and i cant seem to even shut my eyes everything in my life is going straight in the trash can and uhhhhhh yeah everything sucks

Princey: woah slow down

Princey: okay look you’re having me a bit concerned here

Vee: haha no it’s the usual daily stuff for me

Princey: ……….. it shouldn’t be????

Vee: eh

Princey: hey, would you answer if I called you?

Vee: if this is because of what i’ve just said, you’re worrying too much

Princey: nah it’s just for a distraction

Princey: and maybe you’ll be able to fall asleep

Vee: are you implying your voice is boring or you want to sing me a lullaby?

Princey: i’ll pretend i didn’t read the first part but i’ll have you know i have a very beautiful singing voice

Vee: pf alright i’m not entirely convinced

Princey: i’ll buy both of us coffee at the vending machine tomorrow morning before the first lesson starts

Vee: okay i’m sold, hit me up

✾✾✾✾

« This is unacceptable! I’m sorry, our friendship has to end here, I’m leaving. »

« I’m telling you, I have my reasons. »

« You can’t just simply dislike Hercules! »

Virgil sighed in defeat and resigned in his plastic seat; Christmas holidays had been around for a week, new year’s was already approaching and two youngsters had decided to spend an afternoon together with the excuse of reading some lines out of their scripts and helping each other out.

It wasn’t really the first time they did that, plus with the arrival of winter it was a nice excuse to be comforted by a warm cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream.

Just like they were doing in that moment, only that it seemed that they had completely forgotten about the play because of how much they were invested in other topics. Such as, obviously, Disney movies.

« It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just … so wrong. »

« Oh my- it’s not Percy Jackson, it’s Disney, they’re allowed to take some creative liberties. »

« I know, but I didn’t watch it as a child, I saw it recently- »

« How dare you. »

« -shut up. What I mean is: my studies have ruined its likability. »

Roman closed his eyes and put his hands together in front of his face in an exasperated manner. « Then let’s hear these freaking reasons, enlighten my blindness, o wise one! »

Virgil couldn’t help but smirk as the other one huffed. « First of all, thank you for the compliment. »

« But, see, the first thing that got me was the character of Phil. The actual Philoctetes wasn’t a satyr, he was a hero that fought in the Trojan war who also happened to be Hercules’ friend at some point. »

« Well, they were linked in the end! »

« Let me finish. All the deeds that Phil claimed to have made? All those heroes he trained? Bullshit. Everything was done by Chiron, the only wise and composed centaur of greek mythology. And like centaurs were thought as savage beasts, satyrs were always linked to Dionysus and described as libidinal creatures. Philoctetes would have probably felt insulted. »

« Your studies may have ruined your view but you’re ruining my childhood right now. » Roman muttered the words as a childish pout formed on his lips.

« Ah, also Megara was a city, not a person. » said Virgil with nonchalance.

« WHAT. » the wide-eyed actor jumped in his seat and surged forward a little, blinking a few times.

Without expecting it, Virgil’s composed face contorted with a snort, which then grew into giggles and then again transformed into a genuine and amused laughter that couldn’t stop.

He tried to breathe in. « Princey, you- » he cut himself off as another wave of giggles hit him, so he held one hand up as if to tell him to wait until he could properly compose himself.

And Roman knew he otherwise would have felt offended, or at least in a playful way, he knew normally he would have instantly asked what was the matter. But he couldn’t really shake off the feeling of wanting to protect and carve this picture into his memory until it was the only thing he could remember.

And he truly wanted to share that angelic laughter, participate to the mirthful moment, yet he found himself solely staring at the unusual sight in pleasant disbelief at how stunning that scene was.

He could merely twitch his lips upwards and consider how much he adored hearing the nickname in such an entertained voice.

Something inside Roman clicked as Virgil finally gained enough breath, and he knew he was done for.

« Sorry, uh, » he was finally able to breathe out. «  I was actually messing with you. She did exist. »

He looked him in the eyes and all Roman could think was “finally”.

After a beat, noticing the other didn’t respond and assuming he was upset or something, he continued. « Though she and their children were afterwards killed by Hercules according to some. Others think he killed his children and Megara compelled him to commit suicide. Awful stories for great heroes, I guess. »

Roman, who was still starstruck, was only able to comment. « Breathtaking. »

Virgil made a face and lowered the cup he was raising to his lips. « What? »

« Uh … what? No I was just- the TV! Behind you, yes. I was commenting that. »

The confused one turned ever so slightly to quickly glance at the old black screen facing his back. « Alright, I won’t question your weird obsession with old style televisions. »

Nailed it.

Their discourse went on escalating to different topics, but never once brushing the fact that they met to keep up their theater practice, like good procrastinating students. It wasn’t like they were avoiding it on purpose, for the first time they felt like spending quality time with each other was their main priority.

« Okay, listen, Tripping in the Darkness. I went on a cruise once and even there I was able to reveal my beautiful voice. »

« So sorry for the passengers. »

« I should have left you outside freezing in the cold. » Roman scoffed after a beat.

« But you didn’t. »

« I’m starting to reconsider. »

« We both know you would never do it. »

« I forgive you only because you’re cute. » oh wait, oh wha- Roman immediately hid behind his cup, drinking the last remaining of his warm beverage. He hoped that the heat would rush off of his cheeks by the time he had finished.

« Wow, I’m flattered. » Virgil didn’t leave his sarcastic tone and didn’t seem to have noticed anything different, until he snorted out loud when he was met with Roman’s face after he lowered the cup.

Roman’s heart sank, was he still blushing? Was he already onto him? That was bad, that was-

« You got … » Virgil’s voice got back to being amused and he gestured towards his face. Oh, great, he had a chocolate-stained face now. Just what he needed.

« Where? Is it gone? » he frantically kept on asking as he wiped around his mouth and cheeks with his bare hand.

His friend shook his head. « Not even close. »

On a scale on one to Roman’s worst embarrassing moments compilation, he would have probably found himself on top of that very ranking, because after that Virgil simply reached for the container on the little table.

« For starters, you take a tissue. » while he did so, Roman could only watch as his friend  gently rubbed away the spot on the bridge of his nose. Oh. The cup did touch it earlier.

Alright that was awkward and I’m stupid, let’s move on.

But no, his brain had decided to short circuit and leave him to his impulsiveness; out of the blue, he grabbed Virgil’s wrist before he pulled away completely.

Virgil blinked, confused once again by his behavior. « Uh, what’s up? »

That’s when Roman’s mind finally snapped to reality and, of course, he panicked to find the best excuse he could permit, so he slid both of his hands to cage Virgil’s own. « You’re super cold! » he noticed, lowering their hands to rest on the table.

« Yeah? It’s minus degrees outside? And I’m often anxious? »

« Oh, right. » why was he feeling more sympathetic than usual? « Then, I shall protect you from both! »

« By holding my hand? »

« By making sure your heat level is within the parameters! »

« Alright, Doc. I’ll trust you. »

That was how they ended up holding hands for the rest of the day without even realizing until they had to part.

« You sure you don’t want me to accompany you to the parking lot? »

« I’m fine, don’t mind. »

They were standing out of the cafe to exchange their goodbyes, about to head for different streets and eventually go home.

« You know, you didn’t really have to pay for me, I’m not broke. » Virgil talked in little puffs of condensed air, hands in his pockets and trying to shake off the cold stinging sensation that pierced his skin.

« Oh, soft you now, »

« Is that a fucking Hamlet quote? »

« -it is my duty to ensure your well-being. Plus I know you hate talking to cashiers, so. »

« You’re the worst, but thank you. » Virgil rolled his eyes. « I still feel like I owe you one now, though. »

Well you could just kiss me whenever you feel like, a part of Roman’s brain noted. Uhm, what the fuck is your problem? Responded the other.

« Nah, I’ll probably forget it by the next time we talk. » he admitted, ignoring the weird thoughts that were happening in his mind, a mind that needed to shut up for at least a single second.

Virgil muttered an “alright” and was about to turn around and wave him off, like he always did, when he was confronted by a simple demand.

« Uh, can I, like, hug you? »

He stopped in his tracks, considering for a moment, before a “sure” escaped his lips and he started nodding.

Roman stepped closer and wrapped his arms around his chest, content and making a little pleased sound as the other returned the hug. He wasn’t sure why he was being so uncertain that day.

« Bye, Virge! » he called out as he stepped away from his friend and began walking home.

Virgil waved in return and immediately took out his phone and earbuds: after hitting shuffle he was fast to recognize the song by the first chords.

Acceptance, huh? He had discovered their song back in middle school. Boy, did he try so hard to be edgy. Still, certain songs weren’t really that bad.

Oh no, this couldn’t be more unexpected.

He had just made to turn the corner of a mansion’s fence when a realization struck him. And he was still subtly smiling because of it.

He somehow hadn’t been aware of it in the moment, probably because of their distracting conversation.

The lyrics went by in his ears and he almost didn’t even notice the words flowing in his head as that little memory of their afternoon occupied his mind.

Could this be out of line? To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this.

Roman had been brushing his thumb against his skin for almost all the time he had been holding onto his hand earlier.

He also had hugged him a little bit tighter than how he remembered back in October. And he was very excited too, that day.

And yeah, the majority of sane people would have found the situation simply nice or just a normal friendly action. But Virgil?

Come to think of it, I’m aching.

Yeah, he was already burying his face in his hoodie. God, was that heat rushing at his cheeks? Did his body really want to make it any more obvious?

On account of my transgression, will you welcome this confession?

Oh god, oh fu-

Virgil exhaled deeply and rubbed at his face with his hands, an unwelcome warm feeling spreading in his chest, it felt like as if someone was lighting a fire in there, not caring for the emotional damage that they were about to cause. Like a firework sent up in the middle of the night only to startle you enough to wake you up in a cold sweat and thumping heart.

Keep me hanging on so contagiously.

Virgil abruptly ripped the earbuds away from his ears and stuffed everything in his pockets as he leaned on his school’s gate, staring at the parking lot in front of him. His parents had yet to arrive to pick him up.

He had enough time to calm down.

« Well, I’m fucked. »

Maybe.

✾✾✾✾

Princey: HAPPY NEW YEAR V!!

Vee: yeee here’s to another shitty one

Princey: AW COME ON try to be a bit more upbeat

Vee: YEEE HERE’S TO ANOTHER SHITTY ONE!!!!

Princey: THAT’S MORE LIKE IT COMRADE

Vee: wtf okay

Princey sent a pic

Vee: are those streamers in your hair?

Vee: and … glitter?

Princey: don’t question it it’s your turn now send me something

Vee: i don’t think that’s how it works

Princey: do iiiiiit scaredy cat

Vee: fine

Vee sent a pic

Princey: .. wait

Princey: Are you in bed?

Vee: On the couch, actually

Vee: if that’s what you’re asking yes, i’m at home

Princey: and you’re not having fun? Are you okay??

Vee: yes don’t worry

Vee: i’m by myself

Princey: WHAT

Vee: gee it’s not that weird

Princey: no it’s just i thought you were out with friends

Vee: were all busy

Vee: but it’s fine, i don’t really appreciate big and loud parties

Vee: and i jump at every single loud noise so fireworks are a big no for me

Princey: you should have told me!! i would have managed something, we could have even just chilled alone

Vee: no it’s fine really, thank you

Vee: sorry to bring you down with that

Princey: oh shush

Princey: can i call you?

Vee: that’s sweet and all but i’d feel like i’m bothering you so

Princey: what are you talking about, plus there are so many people here they won’t even realize i’m gone for a while

Vee: i don’t wanna waste your time, it’s ok

Princey: but you’re not doing that!

Princey: idk can I at least visit you for some time? I don’t want you being all alone like that

Vee: no

Vee: i mean not that i don’t want you here but i’d feel guilty, i told you

Princey: you don’t have to!!

Princey: i lo kdjsdsdjk

Vee: what-

Princey: look i care about you, you’re one of my closest friends already and i love spending time with you, so if there’s a way for me to cheer you up i will gladly accept it

Vee: that is …

Vee: the gayest thing i’ve ever read

Vee: you’re a dork

Princey: i will take all that as a compliment

Vee: okay let me just

Vee: get my dog off of me

Princey: ADORABLE DOG

Vee: yeah i love her

Vee: and afterwards you can call me alright

Princey: SCORE!!

Princey: okay

Vee: one thing though

Princey: mirror mirror on the wall what’s the question botherin y'all

Vee: … i’ll pretend i’ve never read that

Vee: are you still getting me coffee tomorrow morning like that one time

Princey: if this is a subtle “do you wanna hang out here” i’m all for it, tho expect me to come up at like 11

Vee: wow you know exactly how to make things awkward everytime

Vee: okay dog’s off, you can call

Princey: on it!

✾✾✾✾

It is widely known and said that time flies by quickly when you’re either having fun, doing nothing or during the holidays. Students had reluctantly returned to their daily routines of lessons, homework and studying, trying to frame everything in the best way, so that they had at least some time to breathe between their tasks.

January, sadly, meant that the end of the first term was approaching inexorably  and the teachers suddenly realized they needed more marks than they actually had from every student in a matter of two weeks. Everything for the initial report cards that, in the end, didn’t matter at all compared to the final one.

Thanks to February, students would have some time to breathe and re-gain strength until March, which was another wave of tests in preparation for the real monster: May.

For the last years, though, February also meant that they were going to get more information about which subjects they had to focus on the most for their final exams, which could only be linked to chaos, panic and that anxious but subtle feeling that the big moment was coming.

Thankfully, the weekend existed and with it also places for poor unfortunate souls to release stress and distract themselves from the imminent danger.

And that is how we follow two fellow individuals in distress who had decided upon spending their first free time in weeks walking around town and having a nice chat during night. At least before they ended up in a little desolated playground, their scripts in front of their faces, definitely acting more dramatically than needed.

« Do you perform the rites by night or by day? » Roman leaned on one of the street lamps, permitting him to read his line and, at the same time, he widely gestured with his free hand.

« Mostly by night; darkness conveys awe. » Virgil emphasized his second line with such an ominous tone that made his friend giggle lightly.

« Oh my, I’m thrilled. »

« Okay but you’ve got to admit it’s actually a cool phrase to say. »

« Maybe if we were serious enough, my darkling. »

After Virgil’s usual “shut up and keep reading” (which he had been using for the past fifteen minutes, mind you), Roman complied. « This is treacherous towards women, and unsound. » his voice sounded almost offended, his hand trailed over his heart in a fist.

Virgil bit back a grin at the sight. « Even during the day someone may devise what is shameful. »

« This vile quibbling settles your punishment. » the taller one took a few steps forward, pointing his finger on his friend, accusatory.

« Your ignorance and impiety toward the god will settle yours. » Virgil snarled, imitating the other in pointing fingers.

Roman gasped way more dramatically than needed and placed a hand on his chest, eyes wide with disbelief. « How bold the Bacchant is, and not unpracticed in speaking! »

His acting partner intook some breath, before stopping, narrow eyed, while he read his words.

« What, is something wrong? » Roman demanded, eyes scanning the next lines before looking up.

« This is so fucking gay. » he admitted, a smile playing on his lips as he contemplated the possibility of a different turn of events in the plot.

« Dionysus and Pentheus, but make it gayer. »

« Than it already is? That’s a challenge. »

« I have something in mind. » Virgil didn’t like the mischievous look on Roman’s face. « Keep going. »

« Tell me what I must suffer; what grievous harm will you do to me? » he hadn’t noticed how fast the other was to reach him, the previous grin was still imprinted on his lips. His pace faltered only a bit, but didn’t stop when he was a few steps from his Dionysus.

« First, I will cut off your delicate curls. »  how Roman could change his tone from a mocking one to a warm and clear one, would forever be an unsolved mystery to the world. He proceeded to raise a hand to Virgil’s hair and slowly moved his bangs to the side, a knuckle brushing his cheek afterwards.

« My locks are sacred; I am growing them for the god. » Virgil played along and started to remember the lines, a result of their persistent reading every week. Not that he could really tear off his eyes from the looming figure in front of him.

« Next, give me this thyrsos from your hands. » other steps forward and Roman had trapped him against some metal bars he wasn’t aware of.

« Take it from me yourself; this is the wand of Dionysus I am bearing. » with no warning, Roman pressed his right hand, where the actual thyrsos would have been, to the bars and locked their fingers together. He leaned in even further, making sure Virgil could notice the sly sparkle in his half-lidded eyes.

« Last, I will guard your body deep in the dungeons. » his other hand gripped the bars right next to the boy’s head, literally trapping him. He had to stay in character, after all.

The leaning was slow this time, but didn’t seem to be stopping at any moment and Virgil could swear he felt his body move without his consent.

Inches apart, and Roman’s lips twitched upward. He stopped.

Virgil snorted.

Next thing they knew they were both bursting out laughing like they had just heard the best joke their favorite comedian had ever made.

« That was- » Virgil tried, after they both collapsed to the ground, weak in their knees for too much hilarity. « That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. »

« When Pentheus and Dionysus couldn’t get any gayer. » Roman commented through an almost hysterical laughter, while part of his brain began to shut down in a ohgodwhathasjusthappenediwasabouttobutthenididntandisthisthereallife state. An everyday situation to which he was used to, of course.

« Actually, » his friend began, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. « Greek gods are very open about their sexuality. »

« Oh, yeah. Wasn’t it Zeus himself that tried to f- » Roman was instantly shushed to silence, while a pained expression grew on the other’s face.

« We don’t talk about him. »

Fair enough. They had been in comfortable silence for quite a while, sitting on the ground and enjoying the void of the night as the only sources of light showed them only certain features and details of the objects around them.

« Hey, Virge? »

The mentioned boy almost jumped at the sudden sound. « Yeah? »

Roman’s expression, fixated on something ahead of him, was somewhat between focused and in a daze.

« Did you know the teachers wanted to keep your hair growing for the play? »

« What. »

« They decided against it when they realized I actually had to cut them away during the show. »

« Why are you telling me this right now? »

« I was just thinking about … » Roman’s words lingered, as if he thought about whether or not he could disclose a secret.

About me, please say about me. Virgil shook off the bizarre thought while he waited for a response. Are you fucking kidding me? Part of his mind answered. Didn’t all those past experiences teach you anything?  Virgil found it harder to concentrate on Roman’s words now, he creased his eyebrows as if he were having a headache.

Those were in elementary school and middle school, you idiot. The other side responded. They were still valid experiences!

« Ohi. » Roman waved his hand in front of the other’s face. « Are you on this planet, sir? »

« Sadly, I still am. »

Roman rolled his eyes at that. « Dang, here I thought the aliens had gotten you. »

« You wish. »

« Anyway, I was about to get going since it’s getting pretty late even for a Saturday night. » he pulled himself on his feet, then smiled brightly and turned to his friend. « Lift home? »

« Thank god you exist. »

And Roman did really try hard to act cool and all, but he found out he couldn’t prevent his face from turning at least the weakest tint of red.

✾✾✾✾

They didn’t know how it was possible, but they made it through until April.

The last two months were a train wreck of multiple meetings between Roman’s wonderful school trip abroad, additional tests, the first exams simulations, and things getting very serious at theater club. The designs, scenes, props and costumes were all coming along neatly and, with everybody giving their all, the excitement for the play could be felt through thin air. Roman was thrilled and he thought that there wasn’t nothing else that could possibly be better than that kind of feeling.

Virgil begged to differ.

He was standing in the middle of the external part of the front of the school with a couple of other classes of his same course; they all had backpacks on their backs and a luggage held close.

Virgil was almost bouncing, unable to stay still, he started tapping his fingers on the handle of his own luggage. The anticipation was killing him, how could everybody else be so calm and casual? They were about to leave for a trip to Greece!

It was the most wanted and awaited of school trips for their course, it happened every three years and not only students were given the opportunity to confront and visit places and subjects they had studied, but also thanks to certain lovable teachers the weirdest and funniest things occurred in those trips. It was a dream come true, finally at their fingertips.

He really didn’t want to seem mean, but Virgil couldn’t stop looking at the time on his phone while one of his closest classmates trailed off talking about how energetic they felt for the trip ahead.

Until …

« Wine god! » what the f-

Virgil and his friend looked up simultaneously to be met with the vision of Roman waving one arm from the top of the external stairs and afterwards quickly running down towards them.

« I didn’t see you anywhere this morning! » he was still half-running when he spoke those words, as he reached them. He put his hands on Virgil’s shoulders.

« We didn’t really leave until now, we had a test. »

His eyes widened « What the heck? Right before a trip? »

Virgil shrugged. They had chosen it was better to do it before than afterwards.

« Well, anyway, I wanted to properly say goodbye and wish you a good travel! »

« Thank you, buddy. You really didn’t have to, aren’t you having a lesson right now? » Virgil raised one eyebrow, uncertain.

Roman showed him one of his stupidly charming grins and put his hands on his hips. « I simply asked to go to the bathroom. »

« I hate to break it to you, Roman, but this isn’t exactly the right way. »

« Oh, shut up. You know I wanted to see you before you headed off for the seven seas! »

« We’re literally traveling through the same sea, what are you tal- »

« It’s been a long day, let me have this. »

Virgil tilted his head to the side, they had been in school for only three hours, what exactly did that make it a long day?

His thoughts were broken by the thundering of one of his teachers who announced that everybody had to get ready since they were going to leave in a matter of minutes.

« Alright then. » Roman murmured with a slightly sad sigh, he quickly replaced his defeated expression with a smile, careful not to be discovered. « I’ll have to leave now. »

C'mon say something. His heart begged for mercy as Virgil looked back up at him and he saw two bright gray irises, the sun’s rays hitting them from the side just enough to make them look like literal crystals.

Anything would do, take your chance, tell him!

His eyes fell to the figure right next to them, still standing there and witnessing every one of their interactions. Well, maybe next time.

Roman leaned forwards and wrapped his arms around his friend’s shoulders in a tight embrace that was soon returned a bit more weakly around his waist. He felt like he was holding on him for dear life more than anything.

His hand trailed at the nape of his neck and stroked his hair for some instants, in which Virgil tightened his own hug and laughed silently on his shoulder.

« I’m not leaving forever, you know? The time zone is not even that different. »

« I know but I’ll be lonely! »

« We both know that’s not true. » Virgil released the other and patted his shoulder. « You’ll be fine and you can text me whenever you want when I’m not in the ferry. »

Roman let out a fake annoyed huff, but smiled anyway. « Have a safe trip, Virge. » he backed away, still facing him while waving a hand.

Then he turned to the other boy.

« Keep an eye on him for me, okay? »

« Will do! »

At this, Roman sprinted away towards his class and could only smirk wider when Virgil called him out with a “Oh shut up, Princey.”

Virgil met his friend’s all-knowing look as he turned away from the spot where he saw Roman disappear, not realizing he had a soft expression written over all of his face.

« Why are you- no. Listen, it’s not what you- »

His friend ignored him, dancing around him. « You’re doing flips, read my lips, you’re in love! » he sang, while Virgil buried his face in his hands since for some godforsaken reason when he was embarrassed he tended to have a weird smile on his face that made him completely implausible. He hated that, it only made people tease him even further.

Which was exactly what happened in this situation, even after Virgil had smacked him behind the head lightly and started to get going towards the bus station as their teachers had instructed.

[densi-mber]

Reflections

A/N: Although this page and event is dedicated to Densi, since the 250th episode airs tonight, we thought it was only appropriate to post a team fic for this momentous occasion. Happy first day of Densi-mber!

Based on today’s writing prompt. 

***

“Don’t drop your left, Babe!” Kensi called out from the sidelines as Sam and Deeks sparred in the middle of the gym. It was mostly unnecessary at this point, but she couldn’t help herself. Encouraging Deeks was second nature by now and part of the game.

“C’mon partner, you can hit harder than that,” Callen said and Sam shot him a glare as he danced back from Deeks and then lunged forward. Deeks blocked him with his forearm, landing a punch to Sam’s upper chest. “It’s certainly different that the first time they fought each other. Back then Deeks didn’t stand a chance.”

She turned her attention back to Deeks, analyzing his movements. His form was definitely way better, his hits had more force behind them and after all these years he knew Sam’s style. It also didn’t hurt that Deeks had a more muscular physique than when he’d first joined the team. She spent a little more time than absolutely necessary to examine the flex and pull of said muscles as he attempted to pin Sam’s arm behind his back.

“Deeks wasn’t that bad,” she said eventually, partially out of loyalty, partially out of competitiveness. Callen snorted.

“Sam knocked him out cold.”

“That’s because it wasn’t an even match. If Deeks had as much muscle then as he–”

“Yeah, I think we all know how much you like Deeks’ muscles,” Callen interrupted dryly and Kensi made an outraged noise.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I saw you checking him out. Again.”

“I was not,” Kensi protested as Sam and Deeks wandered over, both breathing heavily. Wiping sweat of his face, Deeks nudged her shoulder and asked,

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Your muscles,” Callen answered which earned an unsurprised look from Sam.

“I should have known,” he said. Deek nudged Kensi’s shoulder again, grinning.

“The question is, who started the conversation?” he asked, winking at Callen. Before things could descend into complete chaos, Kensi got things back on track.

“Actually, we were remembering the first you guys fought each other.”

“Oh yeah, good times. Sam knocked my lights out and then you guys proceeded to steal my case,” Deeks recalled as he grabbed his water bottle and downed half of it at once.

“And who’d have thought that we’d still be have your scrawny butt around ten years later,” Sam added cheerfully, roughly patting Deeks on the back.

“I think Kensi would argue that it’s a well-muscled butt,” Callen felt the need to point out.

“Should I be concerned that you’ve been checking out my butt?” Eric chose that moment to walk in and asked,

“Is this a bad time to interrupt?” Based on his vaguely disturbed expression, he’d heard at least part of the conversation. Kensi grabbed Deeks’ arm and physically removed him from the area before he could make things more awkward for Eric.

“Nope, you have perfect timing,” she said firmly, pushing an unresisting Deeks out of the gym.

***

They were in the bullpen later that evening, while Callen and Deeks finished up some reports. The discussion of their early days as a team had continued throughout the day; both Sam and Callen had proved to be surprisingly sentimental about the whole thing. They’d taken turns recalling various incidents throughout their careers before and after the rest had joined. At some point Nell and Eric had wandered down too and joined the conversation.

“You know, since we’re being all nostalgic today, I was thinking about what things were like before Deeks and Nell were a part of the team,” Kensi said, looking over at Deeks with a fond smile.

“It was a lot more peaceful for one thing,” Sam commented dryly, glancing pointedly at Kensi and Deeks. “There was a less drama and the chances of walking in on someone kissing was almost negligible.”

“And you guys never let me drive,” Kensi added under her breath. Nell, sitting on the edge of Callen’s desk, was looking wistful.

“I remember my first day working here. I was terrified. I told myself that I was going to do everything perfectly and be the best tech analyst the Office of Special Projects had ever seen. And then I’m pretty sure I spent most of the day rambling and making Eric hate me.”

“I didn’t hate you,” Eric protested from beside her, apparently horrified by the thought. Nell rolled her eyes at his loyalty, although she also looked somewhat pleased.

“Oh you definitely did not like those first couple weeks,” she countered. When Eric started to protest again, she raised a small hand in a halting gesture. “Which I completely understand. I kept cutting you off and trying so hard to prove myself that even I am retroactively annoyed.”

“And none of that matters now because I love you more than anything,” Eric said sweetly and leaned over for a kiss.

“Before this gets any cheesier than it already is,” Callen said, looking vaguely amused by the display going on in front of him. “Didn’t you also throw Hetty a massive birthday party? When we specifically told you that you shouldn’t.”

“I don’t know that you ever said I shouldn’t throw her a party,” Nell hedged. “Besides, she loved it.”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about that. I’m think Hetty was so sick of hiring new analysts she was determined to like you no matter what.”

“That is not true!” Kensi objected, looking outraged on Nell’s behalf.

“Even if it is true, like Eric said, it doesn’t matter now,” Deeks pointed out, sharing a friendly smile with Nell. “Because it was one of the best decisions Hetty ever made. This place wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“Oh Deeks, that is so sweet,” Nell murmured, placing a hand over her heart.

“He’s right,” Sam agreed. “Even though I might not have seen it at first, all of you have made this team better and I can’t imagine if I didn’t have you guys around me every day.” Nell made a sound remarkably like a sniff after Sam’s impromptu speech and Kensi reached over to squeeze his shoulder.

“We love you too.”

“Ditto,” Nell said.

“It’s your turn.” Sam nodded in Callen’s direction, arms crossed expectantly and a hint of a smirk pulling at his lips.

“My turn for what?”

“To say something nice. You’re the only one who hasn’t yet.” Callen looked like he might protest, but then shrugged.

“Fine.” He let out a weighty sigh and confided, “I actually liked Deeks’ oyster beer.” This was met with a chorus of groans and protests.

“And on that note, why don’t we take this conversation to the Squid and Dagger,” Deeks suggested. “This time, I promise there will not be any seafood involved.” There were several sighs of relief at this news.

As they packed up to go, Hetty appeared in the doorway, hesitating in a way that was most un-Hetty like.

“Is that an open invitation, Mr. Deeks?”

“Of course,” he answered with honest surprise. “You’re always welcome.”

“Wonderful,” she said, clapping her hands together and somehow taking instant control of the impromptu get together. “Since we’re reminiscing, did I ever tell you about the time Mr. Hanna crashed his first Challenger?” Sam laughed nervously and touched Hetty’s arm.

“C’mon Hetty, I don’t think anyone wants to hear that story.”

“I do,” Nell piped up immediately while Eric nodded eagerly. Sam ignored them and began futilely trying to usher Hetty out of the bullpen.

“You told me that accident wasn’t your fault,” Callen commented, his eyes narrowed at his partner. “You said the other car crashed into you.”

“It wasn’t my fault,” Sam insisted as Hetty said,

“Well, yes, in a way I suppose that is true. A car did crash into Sam…but only after he smashed into a parked minivan.” Hetty continued the story as they left the mission, much to Sam’s dismay and everyone else’s amusement.

By the time they made it to the Squid and the Dagger, Callen was still ribbing Sam. Deeks disappeared into the storeroom to the grab the promised beer while the rest of the team found seats at the bar.

“Can we please talk about something else?” Sam begged after another round of jokes at his expense. “Like how nice it is to finally have this team all in one place again.”

“I will definitely drink to that,” Kensi said as Deeks reappeared with a crate of bottles.

“Hey, you guys better not have started toasting without me,” he said jokingly, starting to pass around the beer. Callen took one immediately while Sam and Nell hesitated. Deeks rolled his eyes as he bumped Kensi’s shoulder to get her attention and passed her a bottle. “I promise this beer is fresh, chilled and definitely not fishy. It comes from a local, award winning brewery.”

“It better be. I still have nightmares about that last one,” Sam said darkly with a disgusted shake of his head.

“It honestly wasn’t that bad,” Callen insisted.

“You have no taste buds,” Eric said with a horrified expression. Deeks had finished distributing the beers and went to stand beside Kensi, leaning against the bar.

Hetty cleared her throat and stood up, raising her hand in a way that demanded attention.

“Since we are all gathered her together, and thankfully in one piece for once, I would like to toast to this team. I am eternally grateful for the work you do each and every day. To the Office of Special Projects, may we be together for ten years more.” She ended by lifting her glass in the air and everyone followed suit and took a drink.

“And to the members of this team who are no longer with us,” Deeks added and they drank again. There was a moment of contemplative silence and then Callen said, frowning down at his bottle,

“You know, I kind of miss the oyster beer. It had an interesting muskiness.”

“You are ridiculous,” Sam said with a chuckle.

“I’ve got more in the back if you want it,” Deeks offered. Hetty set her half-empty bottle on the bar and declared,

“I believe that is my cue to leave.”

“Thank you for coming, Hetty,” Kensi said graciously as Hetty gathered her belongings.

“I wouldn’t have missed it. Oh, and Mr. Deeks, please do not let Mr. Callen have more than one of those beers,” she added over her shoulder with a delicate shudder.

“Yes, Mom!” Deeks called out as she left and the others spread around the bar, Callen in search of more musky beer. Kensi wrapped her arm around his waist, leaning into his side, and sighed contentedly.

“When you first told me you wanted to buy a bar, I thought you were crazy,” she started, and Deeks snorted.

“I know, I thought you were going to kill me when I took the team here the first time.”

“Mm, but now having the team here for drinks are some of my favorite nights.”

“Mine too,” he murmured. He cupped the back of her head and leaned down to kiss her. Who knew if they would last another ten years as a team, but he knew they would be their own weird version of a family forever.

[tisthenightofthewitch]

TOBIAS FORGE (GHOST) “For an arena show you need more than an old geezer moving slowly around the stage”

Few bands in recent years have made quite the impact as GHOST. Feted by James Hetfield and Dave Grohl amongst others, their unique blend of `70`s Hard Rock, AOR, Pop and Metal have won them legions of fans and propelled them into arenas worldwide.  Mick Burgess called up mainman, Tobias Forge, to talk about the upcoming UK tour and the transition of Papa Emeritus to Cardinal Copia.

Next month you tour the UK.  Are you looking forward to coming over here again for your own headlining shows?

Oh massively. I`m so happy that we are able to come back with our full show.   We`ve toured the UK many times but it`s always been in settings where we couldn`t really do the production that we`ve wanted to do, even when we played at the Royal Albert Hall as the stage there is still quite small. We`ve ended up slaughtering our show in the smaller halls so many times that I`m so thrilled to be able to bring the same full production to every city.

A few years ago, you were third on the bill to Alice In Chains and Duff McKagan, then you headlined Academy club shows.  This time, you`re headlining Arenas.  It`s been quite a meteoric rise over a few years. What do you put that down to? Why is everything falling into place now?

I think maybe it`s to do with the timing but also all the work that we`ve put in and it`s built up the momentum. You have your Pop stars and over night sensations that can sell out Arenas quickly because of the novelty and coverage but for us in this day and age, Rock is not the big thing and we can`t rely on the mainstream to embrace our band. What I find positive is that momentum is built on touring, touring and touring.  So, four albums in we are now an established band with a little bit of history that we`ve achieved through hard work and now it`s starting to pay off for us.

What sort of show will you be putting together for this tour?

The setlist will be very different to our last shows over here because last year we did An Evening With, type of show with just us and no support so we had two hours 40 minutes to play.  This time we chose not to do that so we`ll have a support act and we`ll play for an hour and 40 minutes or so. We might not be playing as many songs but you will get a much fuller production with a big stage, lighting rigs and bombs going off and lots of fire.

KISS kept their identities secret for 10 years before they were unmasked. You lasted quite a while as Papa Emeritus before we saw who you were.  Were you disappointed when your identity was revealed?

No, I was not disappointed with that, I was more disappointed at the reasons why it happened due to the court case with musicians who`d been involved in the band in the past. I`m not ashamed of being known as the singer in Ghost that`s absolutely fine, it`s just how it all came about.

When you started your character was Papa Emeritus who has since been though 4 different incarnations. What`s the reasoning behind those changes?

I wanted to introduce new characters who`d not yet risen to prominence to keep the band developing.  The last album was a transitional one, made while I was in a transitional state of mind because we had done the same thing for three albums and I wanted to do something else.

You now perform as Cardinal Copia. Why did you move on from Papa Emeritus?

You have to remember that Papa Emeritus was this slow-moving character.  It was cool and fun for pictures but it was not necessarily something you can watch for 2 hours on stage.  I wanted to move away from that as I thought it was too boring for a whole show.  In order to orchestrate an arena show you need more than an old geezer moving slowly around the stage. Even in the future The Papa Emeritus get up will just be part of the show. You need some sort of agility on stage to keep it interesting.

How easy was it for you to go from that initial concept of Ghost to putting into practice?  Those costumes must have been quite pricey?

The challenge for me was to not bite a hole in my lip while I was fuming at the fact that we weren`t doing what I thought we should be doing. I always had this very, very big picture in my head of what I thought it should be but when I turned around it wasn`t matching what was in my head.  We are definitely closer now than we were back then but it`s a constant progressive project but I`m not sure if l ever will get there.  I guess I`m a kind of like a donkey with a carrot and as I move closer to what I envisage, it will move away.  It`s definitely way better now than it was.

Your latest album Prequelle hit the Top 3 in The States and Top 10 in the UK.  You must be delighted to see that?

It is incredible for a band like us to break into the charts like that. We were thrilled when we heard. It`s been amazing for us.

The video for lead single Rats is akin to a Zombie Apocalypse Singing In The Rain with some Thriller thrown in for good measure  How long did it take to film that?

We filmed that in one night so it was done really quickly compared to some videos. We did some post production work but the vast bulk of that was taken in one night.

Is that you doing the dance moves or did you have a Cardinal Copia stunt double?

We got a stunt double in to do some of the shots. It was too difficult for me Ha!

You might just get an invitation for BBC`s Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing?  Would you take it?

I`m still waiting for it.  I don`t know why it`s taking them so long.

Dance Macabre sums up the whole ethos of Ghost. A punchy guitar, a killer tune and a brilliant combination of Pop and Rock. Your influences seem to spread far and wide?

I am inspired by a lot of different things and I try not to think too much of the puritan definition of what is Heavy Metal and I`d like Ghost to be a little bit more like Queen. So, if you want a musical song, write a musical song, if you want a Blues 12th, then write a Blues 12th and if you want a Heavy Metal riff then play a Heavy Metal riff. We don`t want boundaries in our music.

You`ve won a Grammy, have Platinum albums and entered the Top 10 worldwide and now an Arena tour of the UK. Did you ever dare dream of such success as this when you started out over 10 years ago?

I always pictured myself when I was a kid to be in a big band.  Fast forward to 10 years ago I didn`t think Ghost would be that band.  I knew that Ghost would be the band that I`d put all my eggs in one basket but I didn’t think that would be what took me to fulfil a lot of the things that I had imagined 20 years earlier.

What about 2020?  What do you have planned next year?

We`ll be making a new record.  We have one show in Mexico in March and the rest of the time will be spent making a new album.  It`ll be a well worked, perfectly set up album.  We`re trying to correct things we`ve done in the past and we will invest the time that it needs and not have a start or end date in mind. There`s no early deadline date. This time around I`ve been making sure that we have the time to do the best record possible but we do hope to have it out in early 2021.  We should have it done in September then I`ll take some time off before putting the album out then we`ll do a world tour in 2021.

METALEXPRESSRADIO.COM

[dariusfrasier]

Interviewing @LisanneYu

I ordered a sweet tea and grabbed a small table in the back corner at the coffee house. I hoped it didn’t make my prospective employee too uncomfortable. Since Leo and I both worked from home, we didn’t really have an office to meet in. I chose an off-hour, so it wasn’t crowded. I opened my laptop and reviewed the applicant’s resume while I waited for her to arrive. 

——————

Leaving Dai with Doc and her son might be the easiest part of today. I couldn’t remember the last time I went to an interview. At least the long drive would give me time to psych myself up for it. Almost three hours was a long drive for a job interview, but I really needed a fresh start, and I needed to see the person I was going to work for in person. Not just online. 

------------------

Her resume was impressive but brief. She had worked almost exclusively freelance for a long time. I was impressed by some of the sites she had worked on like the Hope House nonprofit and Cherry Chic retail clothing site. I was very curious about why she was interested in this job right now—another question to add to my list. I checked my watch. It was still a few minutes until the interview. I sent Macy a quick text to tell her I loved her, then sat back to people watch.

——————-

I found the coffee shop easily enough and made good time on the drive. After parking, I smoothed my hair and checked my lip gloss in the rear view mirror before texting Doc to let her know I arrived. She sent me a picture of the boys playing and wished me luck. I sighed softly and smiled as I put my phone in my bag and got out of the car. “Here we go,” I whispered to myself as I headed inside scanning the room for Mr. Frasier.

———————

When I saw the lovely statuesque woman walk in, I knew it was my interview. I gave her a moment to look around before I stood up with a smile and gestured to my table. She met my smile with a reserved one of her own before walking over. ”Ms. Yu?” I asked as I offered my hand. She slipped her hand into mine. ”Pleased to meet you, Mr. Frasier.” ”Please have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?”

----------------------- 

He had kind eyes. That's the first thing I noticed about him. His hand was warm and welcoming. We held hands a moment longer than most. Both of us sensed that we were alike. Darius was a shifter as I was. I took a seat across from him, setting my bag between my feet. “Can I get you something to drink?” I glanced at his drink. “An iced green tea would be great. Thank you.” He nodded and motioned a waiter over. I took a moment to look around as he ordered for me. The coffee shop was cute and not too busy. We had plenty of privacy, not that we needed it really. 

----------------------

In just a few moments her tea was brought over. We thanked the waiter and waited until he stepped away. “Thank you for coming to meet me, Ms. Yu. I appreciate how far you drove to be here.” She smiled briefly and took a sip of her tea. “I actually enjoyed the drive.” “Your resume was quite impressive. Especially your work on the Hope House and retail clothing sites. Your freelance work is quite extensive. It makes me curious as to why this job interests you now.”

————————

“That’s a really good question.” I had to laugh a little as Darius reached for his glass. “I have been very lucky in my projects. But freelance isn’t always the best choice for everyone. I’m sure you understand that being a solo worker is not always fun when there is no one to bounce ideas off of or share the decision making.” I reached for my tea. “It seems like it would be great, and sometimes it is, but it’s also tiring.” I took a drink and then brushed my hair over my shoulder. “That’s not the only reason though.”

———————

As she spoke, her voice got stronger. She was reserved and soft-spoken at first. Almost hard to hear. When she talked about working on your own, her words rang true. “I can’t argue with you about working on your own. That’s how Leo and I became partners. You said there was another reason.” She nodded and seemed to withdraw briefly. I had a feeling that whatever this reason was, it wouldn’t be easy for her to discuss.

—————-

“Have you ever just needed a fresh start? A change of scenery?” My eyes locked on his as he nodded almost immediately. “That’s what I need. I need a new perspective and a new challenge, but I also need more flexible time to be with my son. He just turned 5 last month and will be starting school in the fall. When you’re in charge of everything, like with freelance work, you don’t always have much control over your time.” I took another sip and looked out the window. “Please don’t misunderstand me. If we had a tight deadline or were under some kind of crunch, I would absolutely put in the work. I just don’t want to do that 24/7 anymore.”

------------------

How could I argue with her reasoning? I really couldn’t. Taking Leo on as a partner and splitting the responsibilities with him had been a lifesaver. “I’m curious about something you said. If your son will be starting school in the fall, how will this give you more time with him?” Maybe I had missed something but it seems like the time to spend more time with him was before school. Not having kids of my own, I could be completely wrong. Looking over at Lisanne, it seemed like my question might have hit a nerve. She seemed like she couldn’t sit still all of a sudden. “Ms. Yu, I didn’t mean to pry. You don’t have to answer that.”

------------------

I shook my head with a slight smile. “You weren’t. Please call me Lisanne or Lisi. I don’t mind answering.” He nodded and sat back, closing his laptop as he gave me space to think about what I wanted to say. “My partner had to relocate indefinitely to Texas. Something high security. Even if we went with her, we would be apart. I thought it would be better for my son to stay in the only home he’s ever known. But the house is...it’s so big. Without her and our daughter, it’s not what I expected.” Nothing had been what I expected after she left. I felt separate from the rest of the pack. Even more so now than before. As much as I loved Paul, he had his own family. Doc was the only one who understood how I felt. She was the one who encouraged me to find my way to a new happy.

------------------

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Her partner and their daughter? I couldn’t begin to understand what that might be like. “That sounds like a situation… ,” I shook my head and took a drink. “I’m sorry, Lisanne. I can’t even begin to understand what that must be like. I appreciate you opening up like that though. That must have been equally difficult.” She smiled a little and smoothed her hand along her leg before answering. “I’ve only discussed it… out loud with one other person.” I had to smile. “I’m flattered. Do you have any questions for me?”

--------------------

He was as kind as his eyes. This felt like a good fit. I felt almost hopeful. Something I had not felt in a long time. “I do actually.” I looked around and lowered my voice slightly. “Your partner. Leo?” Darius smiled and nodded. “Is he… like us?” I had a feeling I knew the answer before he even shook his head. “I see. Has that ever been a problem for you? As you can understand, I need to know that I can trust those I’m working with.” I drew my finger through the condensation on the bottom of my glass as I waited for his response.

---------------

It was a good question and one I hadn’t expected. “Leo is a great guy. Personable and easygoing. He’s very accepting of others no matter their differences.” I finished my tea. “He recently got married, and I was his best man. I’ve known him and his new bride for a few years now. They have a little boy who’s about 3 I think. If you decide to settle here or in New Orleans, I bet your little guy would become fast friends with his.” I laughed a little. “Um, I don’t know much about kids but 3-year-olds and 5-year-olds are pretty similar, right?”

--------------

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Somewhat. Luckily, my son gets along with all ages.” He really did. I was incredibly lucky. Becoming a mother had been something I never planned on until I met Marisol, but I had no regrets. My son was my whole world.  “The only thing he has given me a fight on is his name. He’s insisting on being called Danny even though his name is Dai.” I laughed and spelled it for Darius. “Apparently his name isn’t cool enough or something.” 

--------------

“Wow. That’s harsh.” We laughed for a few more minutes about it. “Anyway, Leo has been great from the start. When we first met in person, I told him about myself. He was curious and respectful when he asked questions. His wife Sam has been the same way. I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to hide anything from her. I don’t anticipate that you would have any problems with him if you worked with us.”  I gave Lisanne what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Was there anything else?”

--------------

Darius’ response had definitely reassured me that this was something I could do and was starting to really want to do. “I’ve really liked the projects you highlighted on your website. That’s what initially drew me to your job posting. Now that we’ve met, I feel like this could be a great move for me. I think we’d work well together. Being able to work remotely most of the time is a huge plus. But, after this meeting, I think I’d enjoy any meetings we had in person as well.” I spent the next few minutes talking with him about the projects I’d done and what obstacles I’d found and how I moved past them while working on them.

----------------

I wished Leo was here to meet Lisanne and compare notes with. I had a good feeling about her and wanted to offer her the job. Hopefully he’d agree with me when I touched base with him later. “This has been a pleasure, Lisanne. I’m not sure I ever said that about a job interview before.” She laughed and agreed. “I need to talk things over with my partner but I hope to let you know what we decide within the week if that’s okay. If you think of anything you want to ask, you have my email and cell phone number. Feel free to contact me.”

---------------

“Thank you. I couldn’t agree more. You put me at ease immediately. I really appreciate that.” I picked up my purse and got to my feet offering my hand. “I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully getting to know Leo as well.” After he stood up, we shook hands and said our goodbyes. I gave him a slight wave as I headed out to my car feeling so much lighter than when I began this journey. The drive home would fly by as I made my way back to my little boy.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

My “best friend” and I hadn’t spoken in 51 days until Monday when she finally texted me, but things didn’t go so well. I tried to be mature and non-confrontational in my responses. She continued to be invalidating. So, I typed up the responses I wanted to say, but knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. I want to share them with someone, so I’ll share them with you. (I’ll include her text too so you can get what I’m referencing.)

“You’re making something out of literally nothing. I have no idea what the problem is and that’s frustrating as hell. R and I can’t be crutches for you. Yes, friends lean on each other. Yes, they’re there for each other in times of need. But not when there’s not even a problem. And not when it’s 100% every single problem or frustration or thing that upset you every single day. It’s not all about you, A. When is the last time you genuinely asked R how he was doing? Maybe that’s why he’s so frustrated. And I get it you’ve struggled with such a big change. You’re not the only one struggling with it. R struggles with it. He misses me. My family misses me. My coworkers and other friends miss me. And it’s hard for me to be away from home. Away from everything and everyone I’ve ever known. But nobody thinks about that. It’s all about how me leaving has made everyone else feel. It’s frustrating that you can’t get over your own feelings about this to the point that we haven’t talked in almost 2 months. I miss you too. You’re one of my very dear friends, and I need you to get yourself together a bit.”

1) Really? I’m “making something out of literally nothing”? Hmmm if it is bothering me and impacting my mental, emotional, and social health, then I’m pretty sure it’s more than “literally nothing.” Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter. Clearly it does or it never would have escalated to this point.

2) I’m sorry that you don’t understand what the problem is. Perhaps I did not do an adequate job of explaining it. I told you that I was struggling to find the right words and that it had been nearly impossible for me to do so. When I did try to explain myself, I tried to be as mature and non-confrontational as possible. As a result, I left out some things. Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I’ll get more into that later.

3) I never asked you and R to be there for me 24/7 for each and every little problem that comes up. I don’t call you for every little problem. Yes, I’ve called for “little” things before, but those were minor frustrations throughout my day to vent. And that wasn’t the norm. That was just making conversation while driving. Furthermore, this is about me and you. Neither of us has control over R so let’s just leave him out of this conversation entirely from now on. If R wants to work anything out with me, then he has my number and can choose to communicate if and when he decides he is ready. I don’t need you analyzing the situation and speaking on it when you likely don’t have a clue as to what is actually going on (on either end).

4) When did I ever say it was all about me? I will admit that I can be a tad selfish at times. I don’t like that trait about myself and I’m a work in progress. However, this is not one of those times. I reached out to you many times after you moved. We said we’d text more often. We said we’d talk on the phone all the time. We said we’d video chat regularly. That didn’t happen. When I would call, you’d be in a rush to get off the phone because you were busy. Fine, I get it. But, you never called me back later when you weren’t busy. You never initiated the phone calls. We never once video chatted. And our texts were less than they were when you lived here. So sorry if I was hurt and felt lonely that I didn’t seem to have my best friend around in any capacity. I went TWO months not hanging out with anyone other than my sister! I’m not like you and R. I don’t have other close friends to lean on for support when you guys are gone.

5) I said I didn’t want us to bring up R, but I will to respond to this. First off, I think you’re projecting. I don’t think you actually know the reason why R hasn’t spoken to me. Even if he is bothered by the fact that I haven’t genuinely asked him how he’s doing, I don’t believe that would be enough of a reason (by itself) for R to stop all communication with me. I think you’re saying that because you’re upset that I never asked you. Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t think to ask. I’m not a mind reader, A. From the texts you sent me, you seemed to be adjusting just fine. They all seemed positive, talking about new furniture and whatnot. Truthfully, I felt a little hurt that you were having such a great time without me. Also, it isn’t in my nature to ask something like that because if I’m feeling something and want my friends to know about it, I tell them directly. I don’t wait around for them to ask me how I’m doing and how I’m holding up. So yes, maybe I could have checked in on you. But it honestly did not cross my mind. I am sorry for that. However, communication goes both ways. You could have reached out to me. You could have expressed that you were struggling. You could have talked to me about how you were adjusting and how you were feeling. You didn’t.

6) Yes, I’m struggling. Yes, other people are struggling with this, too. Does that really minimize my struggle any? Just because others are also have challenges with adjusting to this new situation, does not make my own challenges any less meaningful, any less challenging, or any easier to deal with. It is a struggle for me, period. Everyone handles change differently. Just because I don’t process it the same way as someone else, does not mean I’m selfish. It does not mean that I need to get it together or grow up. It does not mean that you can invalidate my feelings or struggles. I am my own person and I will handle this change in my own way.

7) I’m sure it is hard for you being away from home. Had you reached out to me, I would have gladly talked to you about those feelings. We could have talked about our feelings and struggles together. But you didn’t make that known. Instead, you only ever communicated all the positives of your new life in _____. I already expressed that it was hard for me to hear that. I know you had to go to be with C and I still felt betrayed and abandoned that you left.

8) And this wasn’t just about my own feelings or my inability to “get over” them. I tried to say something. I recognize that I didn’t give you a lot to go off of with my last text. I knew it at the time. However, I wanted you to know that I wanted to say something. I didn’t want you to think that I was just done with our friendship. I was honestly expecting you to say you didn’t know what to say either and for us to just both move on from it (most likely never talking about that subject in the future). But you didn’t say anything. You stopped liking any of my posts. I thought you didn’t want to hear from me. I personally felt like the ball was in your court so I was waiting for you to say something. Even if you had simply said, “Okay, I’ll be here when you’ve figured it out” or something along those lines, then I would have put more effort into finding the right words to say to you. I gave up because I interpreted your silence as you not wanting me to say anything. Clearly my interpretation was wrong and for that I am sorry.

9) Wow. You need me to “get [myself] together a bit”? You’ve said a lot of invalidating things in this text and this is how you chose to end it? I’m trying to be non-confrontational and leave a path for us to build bridges again. And here you are, burning them down and blocking the road to prevent any more from being built. Personally, I think that I have handled this situation quite well all things considered, especially compared to how I would handled something like this in the past. I have come a long way and it hurts me that you can’t see that. You claim that I’m being the selfish one and yet you want me to completely hide my feelings/change them because they’re inconvenient for you. I simply want to be able to have a conversation with you without being invalidated. So tell me, who is the selfish one in all of this really?

Our conversation continued and I typed up additional pretend responses to her later texts, but this is already pretty long. I think you get the idea. I’m beyond hurt right now. And, at the same time, I’m just done trying. I feel like there’s nothing else for me to do. With her anyway. I almost called R today, but realized I had no clue what to even say to him. Besides, I should be more upset with him because I’m 99.9% sure he isn’t talking to me because of his new girlfriend, but more on that later.

Thanks for listening,

A Friend