#we've had a ton of people move out/in in the past few months

[six-of-ravens]

lmao building manager called me to get more details about The Incident yesterday (even though I emailed her everything last night lol) and said she "doesn't have access to her cameras because they're being worked on" so that is extra creepy. one of the benefits of living in a building full of paranoid old people is that there's like 30 security cameras in the common areas, driveway, parkade etc.

however i did get treated to another one of her rants about how much she hates "the new people" and "there are not good people living here nowadays."

[herejusttosufferalong]

Pancake anon here with my thoughts on recent events:

My thoughts really haven't changed. I've said from the first post I made that there is going to be back and forth during this process. L is codependent and with A & L both having anxious attachment styles (confirmed by attachment anon) it isn't abnormal for them to easily fall back into things after an attempted break.

I don't think the shift we've been sensing over the past few weeks is wrong. I do still think things have been rocky and a possible attempted break was made. The key points that keep me here are: A not attending the wedding or at the pub the night of the big match, A posting an old photo from GQ the night of the wedding trying to insinuate she was there, the lack of A outing any locations or hints of L being around for weeks, L's unliking spree on insta, A's deactivation of her insta, continued shady happenings with DM, the legs in lap photo, and A's seemingly entry level new job when it seem's she was trying to go the influencer route.

I thought maybe the friends & A had finally stopped leaking L's location when with him, but now I think he hasn't been around much in the past few weeks because their posts during this trip are back to their normal.

Which brings us to current events. L is on a trip with his childhood best friend for his 30th birthday along with their respective girls. We've seen a couple very short clips of them. Everyone wants to overanalyze the way they are interacting. But here's the thing: A wouldn't still be around if L didn't enjoy her company. That has never been in question. He obviously does, which is why I think ending things will take some back and forth, which I think has already been in progress.

While I'm still very suspicious that A has her hands in things that are happening with DM and the pap walk, I don't think L has quite pieced it all together yet. I could also see him having very mixed feelings about the pap walk. On one hand, I don't think he was expecting it or was happy it was happening. But I could see him having some resentment towards the public's reaction to it. I could see him feeling like "I'm allowed to have a personal life and a girlfriend. I haven't done anything wrong." And he really hasn't.

Basically, what I've said before. L is dealing with a very complex situation right now. He's obviously in love with his bestie and costar. They had a whirlwind amazing 6 months together. They did some questionable things publicly (and who knows what privately) and everyone is analyzing his every move. He's also in a relationship with a girl that has now become very public. People are bullying her online which likely makes him feel protective. She is intertwined with his childhood best friend's girlfriend. He enjoys her company and she can give him a lot of attention during this confusing time. There is likely guilt toward her around the way he acted while on PR tour. And who knows what he's dealing with regarding N. Did she reject him or has she completely distanced herself? His behavior reads as someone who has had their heart broken and was trying to avoid processing it, then maybe did start processing it, and is now back to avoidance for a bit. It's a lot of things happening very quickly.

We are less than 2 months out from the London premiere and end of PR tour. I know that feels like ages ago, but it really isn't a ton of time to process such a complicated situation. His time with A serves a purpose, likely offering some comfort right now, but she isn't end game.

There will be more. But I still believe we are on course and things are moving in the right direction.

🥃

[societalenemynumberone]

Author's note: I have been so obsessed with Hazbin Hotel. As soon as the first season finished I ran to Tumblr for fics. So like please send me asks for Hazbin Hotel I need to let my hyper fixation out on something. I am open to writing headcanons

Tw: ???

"Your insecurities are one hundred percent valid and you deserve a break to recuperate for your mental health." Twyla called out from behind the door Rayna locked herself behind. "That being said, I almost risked a deal with the Radio Demon to get you this meeting with the princess of hell. So you better get your ass up and out of bed or I swear to Satan I'll give you a real reason to hide inside your bedroom. You fuc-"

Twyla's threats were then accompanied by her muffled angry screams and banging on the door before forcefully being dragged away. In her place, their soft-spoken assistant, Fleuretta. Because of her adamant fear of talking, she talks to people she's close to through their mind, a power she was granted after death.

"Yes, Ms. Twyla. Of course I'll talk to her Ms. Twyla." She cleared her throat before gently knocking on the door. "Miss Rayna? We all know that we've been through, uhm, as you've said, a "shit-ton" this past month. Your breakup has negatively affected your emotional state and all of this house. But when this negativity starts to negatively affect the business then the house has an even bigger problem."

"You see, Benson and Sebrina have been at each other's throats with all the tension you've been carrying throughout the house the past few weeks. So Twyla and I think it's for the best if you put your emotions to the side for a temporary amount of time so we can attend this meeting with the king."

Rayna sniffled on the other side of the door, wiping the dripping mascara off her cheek. "Yeah- *hic* Yeah I can do that-" She got up and unlocked the door, sticking her head out a bit. "Gimme like 30 minutes, I'll be ready by then."

"You got 10!" Twyla's voice came from down the hall, a flying dress shoe following her words, hitting eerily close to Rayna's poking out head. Rayna rolled her eyes before slamming the door shut, leaving Fleur standing in front of it.

Fleur gave a small huff before going to check on the children, bringing up her tablet to check off "Make Sure Rayna Gets Ready" off her to-do list. When Twyla and Rayna became business partners and moved in together, the kids who they died with were pulled into their mess as well.

Benson, Twyla's teenage little brother, in 1976 he had gotten involved in the gang shit Twyla had to deal with when she was alive. His death was supposed to send a message to his sister. Obviously, it didn't send anything since she came falling into hell a year later.

Then there was Sebrina. Rayna's psychotic little niece. Poor thing was abused by her mother for years before she ran away in 1966 at 7 years old to her Aunt Rayna, who happened to be in a very competitive business. As a thanks for taking her in Sebrina got rid of Rayna's competition through cannibalism. When Rayna found out she wasn't the happiest about it but she covered up the murders for 3 years. Until they were caught in 1969 and shot down by officers for resisting arrest.

Fleur knocked on their shared bedroom door. "Kids? Are you ready?" There was muffled yelling behind the door but nothing like Twyla and Rayna's overly loud constant loud arguing. Fleur sighed before twisting the doorknob, dreading what's on the other side.

Benson was trying to suffocate Sebrina with a pillow, she was obviously trying to fight back but the demon form she was given was short and had thin, small little limbs. These were just some of the attributes Sebrina got from her demon form plus her new bunny qualities.

"Benson! Will you get off of her!" Fleur pulled him off by his tail, a trait from his humanoid lizard form, an animal form he got from dying.

"That freak tried to set me on fire!"

"She is not a freak." Fleur picked the small thing off the floor by her armpits, like a puppy. Before straightening out any wrinkles on the dress Rayna specifically made for her and fluffing up her skirt.

"I did not try to set him on fire." Sebrina folded her arms over her chest, raising her head up, offendedly. "I tried to set his outfit on fire. It's ugly!"

"Oh you 'li-!"

"Benson. Don't." Fleur stopped him before he started, leaving him grumbling as he started to put on his shoes.

"Sebrina, sweetie, people prefer it when you try to burn their clothes while their clothes when they're not on them." Fleur clarified, pulling Sebrina into her jacket.

"Oh no, I know that Miss Fleurey. I just don't like Benny." She sneered at him on his bed.

"Fleur!" Twyla called, stopping the kids from getting into it again. She stepped into the room, wearing a suit with a corset over the shirt and a loose tie. "Rayna ready?"

"Probably not." Fleur handed her her jacket. Before being able to say something else Twyla caught Sebrina's beady eyes staring at her. "What? I don't look nice?" She gave them a quick 360 with a smile.

Sebrina narrowed her eyes. "...You look...nice..."

"Ya look like a pimp." Benson had his eyes on his phone, not even bothering to look up at his sister.

"Don't start with me ya little shit. Now c'mon. I want us all to be sitin' in the living room like we been waitin' for hours. Make her feel all bad 'n shit." She grinned, rushing the others to the living room, banging on Rayna's room door as she passed.

They were in the living room for about an hour before Rayna finally exited her room.

"How do I look?" She grinned, posing like she was on the runway. Her purple hair was put up in a low side bun and she was in a sleeveless turtleneck dress, rhinestones on the criss cross lining that showed off her thighs.

"Great!" Fleur smiled, checking "Get Everyone Together, Ready in the Living Room" off her to-do list.

"I like the rhinestones!" Sebrina awed at the shine on her dress.

"You look like a...a sexy Morticia Adams. But like, with purple hair." Benson grinned.

"We an hour late. Le's go." Twyla walked through the door, not sparing Rayna a glance. Everyone following her out.

Not proofread!!!

Author's note: Ok, so this was like way longer than I originally thought so I'm going to split it up into parts if people end up really liking this. And again I will take most requests for most fandoms, not just Hazbin Hotel, plus my own original stories

[normalsdotheolympics]

Flight of the Shuttlecock

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post (sorry). In that time, Katy and I have been working diligently on our triathlon training. I've still been rehabbing my knee, walking on the treadmill four days a week, trying to steadily increase my time by 5-10% each week. Katy has been making great strides though in that regard. A couple of months ago, she wasn't able to really jog at all, but as of this week, she was able to jog for 2 miles! Such a huge improvement over the last month or so. For the triathlon, we'll need to get up to 6.2 miles or 10km. I'm hoping that by my next PT session in a few weeks, I can start some light jogging again. I've been doing a lot of strength training for my quads and hamstrings to try and strengthen the knee enough to be able to handle the running load.

In the meantime, we've been continuing with our cycling and swimming goals. I'm up to 35km on the bike and trying to get Katy back on the bike more. We took another swim lesson this weekend, working on some new drills. The past few weeks, I'd been working on some side swimming with the flippers, so I was pleased to hear that the instructor thought I was doing much better with my rotation and balance in the water. For some reason, I've been having more trouble with my flip turns the last couple of weeks. I think there are just too many things on my mind in the water, and the additional rotation on my strokes is leading to some rotational issues on my turns. Something to work on over the coming weeks. I've also been experimenting with some new goggles, since I've been having issues with eczema around my eyes, which I thought might be related to the latex in the goggles. I've been testing out what are called "Swedish" goggles, which are entirely plastic and without latex. They seemed like they'd be super uncomfortable, but actually they've been pretty nice. I kept expecting them to dig into my eyes since they're just plastic. The nice thing about them is that they have much more range of vision, which is why they're recommended for open water swimming such as a triathlon. However, I'm having a little trouble with keeping them on properly when doing my flip turns - they seem to get dislodged a little. During this week's swim lesson, we got some new drills. The most torturous one is called sculling, in which you somehow attempt to propel yourself through the water by essentially flapping your hands about in a back and forth sideways motion. It is brutal on the arms and lats, and it is SLOOOOOW. It's like I'm barely moving. But Katy told me she had the same experience last month, and now she's moving much more efficiently with it. So I'll push on.

And now to the biggest news of the day! Today, Katy and I ventured to the gym to try our hands at badminton. Our local rec center has one of the biggest and most organized badminton clubs in the state coincidentally. They meet twice a week and while most of the folks are paying members of the club, they do allow for drop-ins and newcomers. They have some sort of peg system in which you get a clothespin with your name (or a number if you're not a club member), and you put the pin on the board in a queue. As games finish on the six courts in the gym, you move along the queue. If you're next up, you become the "picker", and you can pick which other people in the queue you want to play with. It moves fairly efficiently really, but was a little hard to understand for newbies like us. We paid a $5 fee, which apparently goes to replacing the shuttlecocks, as they go through A TON of them every day. I couldn't believe how beat up they get just from one game. They also have to buy some sort of premium shuttlecocks to account for altitude. We borrowed racquets from the club and put our names in the queue. As we moved along, we were paired up with two very friendly young guys, who graciously showed the both of us how to play. We were inept to say the least. I figured out the service motion pretty well, but beyond that, it was ROUGH. I don't think I had properly appreciated how hard badminton is. I mean, forget playing at the high level that some of the folks were in the courts around us, but just making contact with the damned birdie was such a chore. It's like I couldn't quite figure out the length and size of the racquet. So many swings and misses at shots right there on the forehand. It was painful. After one game, we thanked the poor souls paired up with us for their tutelage, and we went into one of the nearby racquetball courts to practice a bit and get more comfortable with the game. It was fun though. We will definitely be back at it in the next week or two to practice more! It's a fun, fast paced game, and hopefully something that we can get better at over the next few months. The goal is to be able to play a proper game by the end of the year, or maybe in January depending on how often we can get out to play.

Otherwise, over the next few weeks, we'll just keep working on our triathlon training and strength training. We'll probably book another swim lesson in 2 weeks. Once we've gotten to a good place with our swimming, we need to start on the other strokes. We were supposed to have done so already really, but I think we sort of decided to postpone that a bit to make further progress on our freestyle. We'll also have a month break from curling for the holidays which will free up time for some of our other activities. I'll update again soon!

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

today was a bad day. i'm having such a hard time with the distance. idk how people do this for years. we've done it for a month and i'm already just so.. sad. i know it'll get easier, but maybe it won't. we've gone 4 years of seeing each other once in a while. but this is obviously different. we're actually together. you're my boyfriend. which still doesn't sound real. i kind of lowkey don't like it, hearing it out loud. ryan said it yesterday and it just felt.. idk. not real. it felt like a lie. like someone saying it to please me, not because it's real.

i think i've had so many crushes in the past where i was so obsessed with the guy and people would go along with it like oh yeah you like him etc or i'm sure it's going well, i'm sure he likes you too, etc. you know the kind. and then when push comes to shove, they don't like me the same way or it's not serious to them or it's just not mutual. i feel like that's what this feels like. like i'm a stupid school girl with a stupid crush, tumbling about you every night instead of actually BEING with you. i fucking hate it. it makes it feel that it's not real.

it's just so classic. finally a guy that i actually want to be with, and who also equally as much wants to be with me, and we live 7500km apart. and i know the timing is right, and i've always wanted an international guy, it's just in the cards that i'd be with someone not from canada. but fucking hell, at what cost.

i've watched so many shows and movies lately that are based in the uk (not on purpose) and it makes me miss it there so much. the houses and people and lifestyle. living there again would take a shit ton of adjusting though. living without a car. i'd have to sell my fricken car! ugh. i didn't even think about that until this weekend. i don't want to sell my car :(. i've worked so hard the last few years to get my life to exactly where i want it to be and now i'm questioning all of it. i'd have to sell all my shit. sell my fucking car. travel with felix on a 9 hour flight. buy him all new shit there. likely get rid of a shit ton of clothes. just belongings in general. i don't want to. i'm not ready. but then on the flip side, i stay here with all my shit and belongings and then have constant nights where i miss you and want to be there with you. or want you to be here with me. it's going to be so fucking hard. whoever moves, it's gonna be fucked. such an adjustment. i honestly don't even want to think about it. BUT THEN i'm fucking sad a lot of the time. god it's just a vicious cycle.

[beardedmrbean]

Hey, it's that anon from a while back who complained about not feeling like he had friends.

Iver forced myself out a ton more the past few months or so, and have made a decent group of friends from work, with those I feel comfortable with.

Well Tuesday I'd asked out one of my coworkers on a date, one who I had been debating on whether or not to ask due to potentially making things awkward. And she said yes!

And we went to dinner tonight after work, and I thought it was funny how she sat there kinda info dumping about work, retelling stories again, ect. And as we walked out of the restraunt I told her that's one of the reasons I wanted to ask her out, and why I'd liked her for a while, cause she seemed to try and make people laugh or smile when she could.

And she seemed happy, and I thought it was all going good, until I got home and saw a text from her, saying she'd feel it would be awkward if we talked or anything, and still worked together, and she just wants to be friends.

I feel so fucking distraught. Of course, the one girl I had actually felt any feelings towards in years, who I'd nearly convinced myself to to not ask out for this exact reason, and it ends like this. I'm so fucking sick of just not feeling lovable, or appreciated. I'd nearly talked myself out of even asking her, shutting away my feelings like I have with every other girl I'd liked, and I finally put myself out there and I'm fucked.

I know I'm complaining a lot, but I really thought we might go somewhere, and I even asked her before we left work, "you know why I asked you out to dinner right? Like, my intentions are clear" and she said yea. I just hate putting myself out there and shit going south immediately. At this point I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a real relationship with anyone, I feel like I'll always been seen as that kinda funny tall/fat friend. And the wrost part was we'd already made plans to hang out as a group tommorow and now I can't cancel, otherwise it'll be obvious why, but I know I'm not gonna be happy while I'm there and I'm gonna have to put up a mask to make sure she doesn't feel bad.

And I feel bad for even feeling bad, she doesn't deserve to see me feeling bad just because feelings weren't reciprocated, or to know how much this really hurt me, but at the same time I can't just not go.

I think I'm just going to stop hanging out after tommorow. I dont want to keep hurting myself by putting myself in these situations, it's why I've been so reclusive till this point any ways.

Like I said before, I just need someone to vent to, and I dont feel like I have anyone to really talk to about it in real life.

You've made good progress, don't toss it all away now. It's gonna be a bit awkward at work with her for a bit because that's one of those things that can happen when we take a shot and open up some.

You are absolutely going to have the funny tummy feelings, could never really come up with a good actual emotion to attach to the feeling but we've likely all felt it so we know what it is, it's awful too just a miserable feeling, no point in lying about it.

It's not the same for everyone but for a lot of people I've known the old gym teacher method of "walk it off" modified for emotions seems to work fairly well.

It's not instantly get back into the game, it's just don't leave the gymnasium haven't gotta play basketball but just keep moving while others play stay in and when you feel like you're up to it see if someone might toss you the ball.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a bit of a break, you got the thing going you can't skip out on gonna have to tough that out a bit gonna be not a whole lot of fun.

I would suggest not checking out from the gang completely, they'll ask you to join them for whatever a few times and if you consistently say no the invitations will cease, maybe try and see if you can pick and choose the ones that work best, large group outing lots of noise.

Hey we're gonna go bowling we got 7 and need an eighth to make the teams even, come on we'll all go and look like jackasses because none of us knows how to bowl. Which is fine because there's a bar there and billy and jimmy said they'd DD.

Low to no pressure fun time, doesn't have to be bowling just some loose and free fun time.

I'd avoid the more intimate stuff to start, but don't drop out, find a size of group that works for you where you can fully participate in conversation and whatever else is going on but if you don't it's not going to be terribly obvious it's what you're doing.

Cutting yourself off completely, just not a good idea. I know because that's what I wound up doing, more than once. Never did me any good, bad just wound up getting worse because I didn't have anyone or anything.

Don't do what I did, they ask you to hang and it's just too much I'm not up to it right now but please be sure to remember me next time.

I'm in a bad place and just kinda need me time, you get a few options for responses there let ya be, hang out quietly together doin whatever, or drag your out to have fun.

This is a section from a larger part of the book, but I think it might be something to give you a bit of food for thought when it comes to cutting yourself and other people off.

Wisdom of Winnie the Pooh, who'd have ever thought.

This also goes the other way around, when you go out with them, sorry I may be a bit of a downer here and there but goin out with y'all helps a lot so thanks for having me.

You'll get through this, just gotta keep your head up and tell your brain to shut it's hell mouth when it starts to give you negative thoughts about yourself.

You got this though, I have a annoying habit of being right about this kind of thing.

now if I could ever take my own advice :)

[wh6res]

UP IN SMOKES — DOYOUNG

psych student! kdy | tw. college au, violence, a knife, GASLIGHTING, hallucination, psychosis, swearing, just pure manipulation, minor charac death, there's a court scene, this is a repost! | wc. 10k she a beast

life could’ve been simple;

you shouldn't have met kim doyoung.

what does a freshman in college hate the most other than the high-stress levels of moving into a new dorm? a shitty roomie and a smelly, moldy mattress. the girl you call roommate refuses to help move the mattress because it will ruin her new manicure. what a fucking classic. 

"sounds like a 'you' problem. figure it out yourself, plain jane." 

she said before heading out, annoyingly popping her bubblegum as she kicks a few of your scattered boxes by the front door. you roll your eyes; classes haven't even started yet, so why is she already making your life miserable? as much as you'd like to snap at her, you don't, merely glaring daggers at her back as she finally turns the corner of the hallway and disappears. 

"bitch," you mutter under your breath. 

you eye the abomination that is supposed to be your bed, cursing how you shouldn't have made a 15-minute pit stop to starbucks for a drink when you could've just bought one from the instant coffee vending machines in every corner of the hallway of this dorm building because if you didn't, maybe you could've beaten regina george wannabe from taking the better bed. sighing, you suck it up and start getting to work. life's full of shit, anyway; no point sulking.

moving a moldy mattress is easier than you thought, to say the least. you can't ask for help from the other freshmen you bumped into in the hallway because they, too, are under a huge amount of stress from the move and are busy getting their affairs in order. it was a good thing, though, that a committee was formed specifically for this day to help out the freshmen if they were to stumble upon problems or mishaps with moving in. they were all around the campus, and they prove to be way friendlier than your batch mates. since this morning, three people have already offered help in carrying your luggage — which you have politely declined.

"hey, uhm… is this the stall for the welcoming committee? oh, wait. i'm sorry, there's a sign right there —"ugh.

you mentally shut your eyes in humiliation. why do you have to be this bad, this awkward at communicating with strangers? why couldn't you be born like all those socialites who already (probably) got their contacts filled with new numbers on the first day of school or something?

"yeah, this is them — welcoming committee, i mean. how can i help you?" he smiles, sweet, radiating the epitome boy next door aura as he looks up at you from where he's sitting behind the stall. your eyes quickly land onto the name tag stuck on his varsity jacket before meeting his eyes again. 

"i have an issue with my mattress. it has mold, you see..." your voice slowly trails, becoming quieter as you feel small under the weight of his piercing stare. oh, come on. he's just a guy with a beautiful face, woman the fuck up.

"really? let me see..."

he needn't finish rounding the stall when his nose is hit by the pungent smell brought forth by your mattress. frankly, you weren't that picky. you could've covered it with bedsheets and call it a day, but the odor is too strong to ignore. you mentally hope the smell didn't latch onto your clothes, especially not when someone so cute is around — what a bad first impression.

"oh, god!" he exclaims the moment he lays eyes on it, taking a step back. “now, that has to go. and you lugged it from the fourth floor?" 

ah, yes. according to tradition in these dormitories, which you've only found out today, freshmen get the curse of climbing four flights of stairs up while the seniors strut into their rooms on the ground floor like the hallway is a goddamned runway. 

"doyoung! help me carry these!"

someone calls his name as you both turn your head to spot a chestnut-haired girl clad in the same varsity jacket he's wearing. you grimace at the sight of her. for someone so small, she just had to volunteer to carry all those heavy bags. however, he doesn't move in front of you and brushes her off as if she doesn't look like she's carrying rocks over her shoulders. "i'm already helping someone else! go find taeyong or something. i'm sure that shit's loitering around here somewhere!"

"oh, it's okay, you can go help her. i'll just look for someone else —"

"nah, it's fine!" you try hard to school your face into indifference when you notice his gummy smile. "plus… trust me when i say no other person from the committee will help you with this. this shit smells like my roommate's sweaty basketball socks!"

you can't help the smile forming on your face as you help him carry the mattress off to the side of the hallway, the stinky thing leaning vertically against the wall and behind a huge terracotta plant pot. "don't worry, let's report it to student affairs so they'll get you a new one. congrats! you'll have to share beds with your new roommate tonight, freshie. it'd be a great ice breaker."

the universe truly hates you.

your expression must've been a dead give away because he's suddenly patting your shoulder, regarding you with utmost sympathy. "been there, done that. i hated taeyong, too, when i met him last year. still, for some mind fuck of a miracle, we've grown to be friends and developed a talent of not wanting to kill each other every two seconds."

"highly doubt i'd be friends with a regina george-level bitch, but thanks, anyway," you mutter under your breath. suddenly, you whip your head towards him after internalizing what he just said. "you met your roommate last year? you're a sophomore?"

he scoffs, leaning down to your height to lowly mutter against your ear as he eyes the lobby's front desk. "why? do i look like some 4th year who radiates 'don't touch me' energy?" 

you feel the heat on your cheeks with how close he is, only releasing an exhale when he finally gets out of your personal space. "i'm kim doyoung. you've heard it from wendy earlier, but anyway — i'm a 2nd-year psych major."

"no way!" you exclaim, a little too excited. "i'm taking psych, too!"

"oh, you are? well, if you need anything or if you don't understand stuff…" he winks. "feel free to approach me anytime."

hmm… how sweet of him. 

it was only hours later that you found out who kim doyoung is in your department during the acquaintance party. and for god's sake, you found out from your best friend who is a major in english lit and has never even seen the guy. "seriously, you didn't know he's a genius? i hear the professors call him a prodigy, girl! a fucking prodigy. if i were you, i'd ask for his help in every subject."

"you know i prefer keeping to myself. how'd i know stuff like that when i have no one to talk to in the psych dorms?" you look down, making the ice cubes in your drink clink against each other. "i didn't think he was this big shot or whatever. he looks normal, and everyone treats him normally."

"well, what do you expect?" she hisses, hitting your arm. "the other students don't want to make him feel alienated or something just because he's tons smarter than them. but anyway… the real question is…"

you roll your eyes when she pauses for effect, tentatively leaning closer to whisper under her breath. 

"is he cute?"

you didn't want to answer her question, but he's been stuck in your head since he offered walking with you to the student affairs office. doyoung had smiled his cute gummy smile and had even ruffled your hair before leaving you for committee duties — saying he's cute would be an understatement. 

"you have no idea."

for his first act;

he gains your trust.

fast forward to one year, many things have changed, but the only constant remaining is the handsome sophomore — who is now a 3rd-year, by the way — whom you've met on your first day. coursework has been pretty tough this year. instead of the content written in your textbook, your mind is plagued by the horrible twist of fate your best friend had encountered; she didn't have enemies. or so you thought.

she disappeared in the middle of christmas break last year. her beaten up body was found only a month later, in january, floating around the university's lake. happy fucking new year. 

the first time she chose to spend the holidays with you instead of her family back in her hometown, and that happens? some rotten luck you both have. it's why you didn't put it past her family to hate your guts with strong convictions. it's okay. the feeling's mutual. after all, it had been your best friends' own family, the same ones who had been so willing to take you in when you got kicked out, that were so eager to pin you as the murderer of their child. all under the argument that you have been the last person seen with her. 

oh, the things her mom said about you when she had stormed into the police station, red in the face, tears streaming down her cheeks..."i warned my baby not to hang out with that — that bitch. came straight out of a cursed family, that one. abusive dad, a nutjob mom. that bitch is a danger! probably got her dad's nasty temper and beat my baby to death! i want her on the electric chair!"

in those times, you once again realize this world is fucked up and cruel in every bit of its glory as you fought tooth and nail to defend yourself. but even then, they never believed you — the law will only favor the rich . the prosecution had been so sure it was you until a certain witness appeared and presented himself before the jury.

"do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" 

doyoung raises his right hand, fixing his stare straight at the judge. "i solemnly and sincerely declare that the evidence i shall give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

"how long have you known the defendant?" the prosecutor asks, arms crossed in front of her chest as she paces in front of the witness stand.

the boy briefly meets your gaze, and it's enough to make his heart sink. doyoung can't bear seeing you in those grey overalls when he knows it himself. you're being accused of a crime you didn't commit. "i've known her for one year."

"how'd you meet?"

and the questions went on and on; your defense attorney isn't all too keen on winning the case and had never once yelled "objection!" in her seat, but what could you expect? all the evidence kept stacking against you, and some of those you knew were even fabricated. you've never felt this hopeless in your whole twenty years of living. 

"what's the point in this, anyway?" doyoung snapped in the witness stand, fiercely glaring at the prosecutor. "how is my history — or lack thereof — with the defendant any relevant to the case? you're not even asking me about evidence nor what my statement is!"

"easy there," the prosecutor retaliates, jaw locked. "i have to first measure what exactly your relationship is with the defendant for us to think twice about your statement. who knows..." the prosecutor makes a grand gesture of turning her head in your direction, affixing you with a condescending stare. "she might've just hired you to say these things."

your attorney doesn't come to your aid.

"perjury isn't my thing." 

the prosecutor seems to have taken offense by the tone of doyoung's voice, but he doesn't let her speak further. "the victim isn't all sunshine and rainbows, you know. she'd been a part of a sorority and one with quite a nasty reputation in the college, too. i have to say she made very poor decisions, ones i'm sure her family didn't even know about. you see, they take their oaths and pledges very seriously. the victim wanted out. they didn't like that."

"and you have evidence to support this claim?"

without a moment to waste, he digs around the front pocket of his jeans before proudly presenting a black usb between his slender fingers. "knock yourself out."

the professor calls your name, snapping you out of your reverie. this isn't the first time your mind had transported you back to that particular day in the courtroom, where doyoung had swooped in and saved you from a lifetime in prison. the whole ordeal had been so scary, so frightening that you remember everything vividly as if it had only happened yesterday.

the classroom is empty. even your social psych professor has long packed up his stuff and is already standing by the classroom door. damn. were you that out of it?

"i'm so sorry." you mutter under your breath monotonously as you walk past him and out the door without another word. this is bad, very bad. no one would help, much less lend their notes to someone charged with murder — especially of their very own best friend. whether you were innocent or not doesn't matter to the student body. you've been ostracized, gossips of your problematic family spreading like wildfire, and the ridiculous part is only a fourth of the gossips are true.

the damage is done. 

at this point, you realize with a heavy heart that you have to face doyoung again sooner or later. you haven't talked to him at all since the start of the new school year, ignoring his lighthearted greetings in the hallways, rejecting his calls, ghosting his texts. you are afraid people would judge him harshly for hanging around you. frankly, you were embarrassed to ask any more favors from him with how much he's done for you already and the fact that he had seen you in such a state of vulnerability.

but you also didn't want to fail your subjects and lose the one thing holding your life together — your scholarship.

that is why you found yourself standing before him, in his favorite spot in the library tucked behind shelves upon shelves of books, next to the windows overlooking the empty football field. he's wearing black-rimmed glasses and is clad in the usual navy blue sweater as his head turns to and fro between a textbook and his notebook. the air had been so silent, you hear the aggressive scratches his pencil makes against the paper.

you feel a little hurt when he makes no move to acknowledge your presence, but you think back to what you have been doing and figured he has a right to act this way. 

"hey, doyoung." your voice is meek, hesitant.

"if you're not here to explain nor give me an acceptable reason why you've been ignoring me for the last few months, then please get out of my sight. i'm busy, as you can tell." he is brutally honest, knocking down the remaining hope you have left of ever reconciling with him.

something within you snaps, the steady streams of tears running down your cheeks as you pinned your stare on doyoung's open pencil case lying on the table. you have nobody left. your family — father, specifically speaking — has disowned you for taking a course your heart wanted, and the one friend you have lies motionless in a white coffin buried six feet under the ground. you didn't want to lose doyoung, too, no matter what role he plays in your life.

"i'm sorry," your voice cracks. "life's been… fucking shitty, and i'm sure you of all people know what i've been through. i've thanked you before for — for what you did, and i'm thanking you again right now but — i'm sorry, i'm really —"

your voice cracks when you feel him pulling you into an embrace. you feel the tension in your body breaking loose as you crumble in his arms. all those months grieving and wallowing in self-pity took such a heavy toll that you can't help but tightly clutch the sides of his hoodie, scared he'll slip through your fingers.

one of his hands comes up to push your face against the crook of his neck, muffling your cries in the silent library. doyoung felt like a jerk for snapping at you the way he did. how inconsiderate can he be? however, he felt elated because you sought him out yourself and wanted his help of all people.

his eyebrow raises in amusement. 

well, not that you have a choice, anyway.

it took you a few good minutes to calm down, cringing when you see the wet patch on doyoung's sweater because of your tears. 

"why don't you tell me everything, hmm? i'll help you as much as i can."

you sheepishly look down, fiddling with your fingers as you sit across him, the open textbook and notebook before him long forgotten. "well, i've been so out of it lately? my mind's just a whole bloody mess and i can't focus on any of my subjects at all and if i can't, then i'll lose the scholarship and it's the only thing i have in my life right now —"

"hey," doyoung cuts you off, placing a warm hand against your forearm to calm you down. "you won't lose that scholarship. trust me, okay? why don't we arrange tutoring sessions and i'll even lend you some of my notes from last year. what do you think?"

"okay... thank you, doyoung."

"for the record, you have me in your life, too. i'll always be here for you."

in the first session, you woke up from your deep slumber with only 15 minutes to spare from the scheduled time, but thankfully, your tutor only lives one floor down with the rest of the 3rd-years. bringing nothing with you but a pen and a pad of paper, your textbooks were destroyed as some students from your batch thought it'd be fun to throw them into the lake to "honor" your friend. 

you offer a small smile when taeyong opens the door, sporting an oversized shirt and track pants, eyes wide in shock when he sees you. "hi? can i help you?"

"hello! i'm here for doyoung. he's tutoring —"

"he doesn't live here anymore. his mom bought him a place outside the campus."

what?

"i'm sorry for disturbing you, then. do you by any chance know where he lives?"

that's weird. doyoung never mentioned he's already moved out. you feel a wee bit irritated that he forgot to tell you; it would've saved you the embarrassment of interacting with the varsity player. you weren't stupid, you can see the hints of repulsion in taeyong's eyes the moment he opened that door and saw you standing before him, no doubt thinking about: oh, look, it's the crazy murderer with a fucked up family standing in front of me.

he had shut the door in your face. you stood awkwardly for a good minute in the hallway until the door reopens, taeyong handing you a small piece of paper with doyoung's new address scribbled hurriedly in black ink. he doesn't give you a chance to thank him for he's already closed the door again without another word. 

you opted walking to his place instead of catching a ride because the money you have on you is enough to buy yourself dinner. to say the least, the apartment building is mediocre, not too grand, nor is it too rundown. double-checking the floor level written on the paper before pushing the elevator's button, you then realize doyoung lives on the very top floor of the building.

the hallways are painted a boring brown. some acrylic number signs plastered on the doors are broken, hanging vertically with one screw left. it says on the paper he resides in room 720. taking the right hallway, you mentally count as you eye the mahogany doors. 718… 719… there it is!

when you raise a fist to start knocking on his door, there is a tinge of hesitation surging through you. perhaps being alone with a boy in his apartment is not the best setting for a girl like you should end up in, but this is doyoung we're talking about. if he had ill intentions for you, it would've manifested a long time ago. you shake your head, feeling bad for thinking of him that way as you slowly knock on his front door. not long after, it swings open, revealing the 3rd-year in a white shirt and boxers as he lazily dries his hair off with a small towel. 

"you're late," is the first thing he says to you before spinning on his heel to disappear further into his humble abode. 

"you didn't exactly inform me you've moved out of the dorms. so, whose fault is it?" you retaliate, inviting yourself in and closing the front door shut.

"whatever. let's get started!" he plops himself on the floor, coffee table filled with loose papers as he struggles to find a specific one amongst the mess. "i've already scanned, exported to pdf, and emailed you my notes. it should be in your inbox by now. anyway, answer this quiz i made so i know what i'll be working on."

"you didn't really have to send your notes, doyoung. i could've just read everything from the textbook," you sit down across from him because otherwise, you'll be too distracted to remember information. 

a thought crosses his mind. with what textbook?

"i just think it's missing some essence. that's why i love reading over other psych books in the library for fun. be grateful, those notes are like my babies and i don't simply give them to anyone," he looks at you pointedly. "they've all been summarized and explained in layman's terms so you wouldn't have to spend grueling hours of reading and trying to make sense of the big words as i did — i know that's not the definition of 'fun' normally, but it is for me, and that's why i do it."

"okay, doyoung. you sound so defensive when there's nothing to be defensive about," you tease, feeling pleased with the hint of red on his cheeks as he averts his gaze from yours, muttering incoherent words under his breath.

you spent the following tuesdays, thursdays, and sundays like that; hours upon hours with no one but your tutor, laptops with tangled chargers, a printed copy of his babies, and a mountain pile of loose papers filled with the specialized quizzes doyoung makes to measure your progress. the location varies from a cafe or his flat. but in what you've gathered from the time you spent with him, doyoung's a homebody. cafe tutor sessions are rare, and he always complained about how "noisy" the atmosphere was — "i can't stand it."

but the conversation hadn't always been about academics. 

sure, for the first few sessions, doyoung kept an image of professionalism and had heavily insisted on it — "it's for your learning experience!" — despite your lighthearted teasing. but as time passed and he eventually grew more comfortable in your presence, you find the strict 15-minute break he had initially imposed between 45 minutes of studying turned into hours of talking about whatever; how he likes his eggs in the morning, your favorite coffee brew, his favorite show, your strongest pet peeve. 

and you wholly welcomed the change, not minding that it's practically dark out whenever you go back to your miserable dorm. you feel butterflies in your stomach whenever doyoung offers to walk you home but never had you taken his offer, still cautious of other people seeing you both together despite his constant reassurances. you've already thoroughly ruined your image. you didn't want to ruin his, too. 

kdy the cute tutor, 2:14 pm —last day of midterms! & its all majors today  —good luck —remember what i taught u —lets get ice cream after u cant say no

you shake your head bemusedly. his texting style is the most doyoung thing he does and it's as if you can hear him say these things to you in real life. too caught up in your own world, you fail to detect another student sitting next to you and had nearly fallen off your chair in shock when they spoke.

"why are your notes like that?"

you fight the urge to glare at the person, especially when you turn your head and see lee jeno looking at you in genuine curiosity. he's the only batchmate that treats you a wee bit nicer among the rest. although he isn't technically your friend, at least he doesn't look at you like you're a piece of bubblegum stuck under his shoe like all the others.

"what do you mean?"

"they're… the definitions are all jumbled up. where did you even get that?" 

what? jumbled up? doyoung himself said these notes are a combination of most of the psychology books he had read last year concerning his subjects. how would it be jumbled up? then again, lee jeno was not tutored by the prodigy himself. maybe things are bound to seem "jumbled up" when information is too great to understand for a feeble mind. 

just as you were about to claim these notes aren't yours, the professor has already waltzed into the classroom with a thick wad of papers — the exams. after one last concerned glance directed your way, jeno averts his gaze with a confused tilt of the head. 

hours later, you walk out of the classroom with the biggest smile on your face. aced it, you thought. your hands feel numb with how much you wrote on the essay portion but it's worth it if it meant you get the full 25 points, which you no doubt will as it was a topic you surely tackled with doyoung. speaking of... he sure is a man of his word.

"what are you doing here?" you hiss, head ducked with hair framing your face as to not draw attention from the rest of the students filing out of the testing hall.

"i texted you that we're getting ice cream. remember?"

"i did. but i didn't remember agreeing."

he shoots you a comforting smile, planting his hands firmly on your shoulder. “i told you, y/n. i don't care if they all see us together, so what? we all know you didn't commit that crime and it wasn't your fault you were born into the family you had. i don't care about the trivial things, baby, so don't shy away from me, okay?"

how the fuck can you say 'no' when he's looking at you the way he is as he brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear? doyoung's just so bewitching that he has you wrapped around his slender fingers. he seems pleased when you stumbled over your words as you come up with a reply, caught off guard by his bold gestures.

"i just — you, uhh — fine..." you gave in, rolling your eyes out of pretense.

he just had to call you 'baby' and erupt the butterflies in your stomach.

it had been doing that for the last few months now and it had only truly manifested today when he took you out for ice cream to celebrate the end of hell week. and since you didn't want to go back to your dorm yet, you asked if you guys can watch some movies in his house but it had simply become background noise to your heart-to-heart talks. and what better accompaniment than the classic, chicken and beer?

you listen to him drone on and on about the little realizations he had on some of his past lectures even when you barely understood anything he's saying. doyoung's so lucky to be extremely good at something he's so passionate about, talks about the human mind and the complexity of a person's behavior will never fail to make his eyes light up in interest.

he calls out your name.

your eyes snap open.

"why don't we get you home? it's past 10 and it's alright, stupid, you don't need to pretend to be interested in my psychological findings." he chuckled light-heartedly, stealing the can of the now room-temperature beer from your hands before you can protest. 

"i wasn't dozing off, i swear."

"i caught you in the act. stop lying."

like all the other times he has you as his guest, doyoung once again offers to walk you home and you decline for the thousandth time. it really isn't that much of a long walk anyway. you don't see the need for him to go out of his way to secure your safety. plus, you were the one who insisted on hanging out in his house anyway. you weren't that thick-skinned to let him take you home, too.

"you're drunk!" he scolds.

“no, i’m not. i can perfectly handle myself."

"but —"

"bye!" 

you feel a little guilty for shutting the door in his face. still, a minute longer of his persistence and you would've taken his offer. unfortunately for doyoung, you are one stubborn girl. only if you don't make brisk movements with your head, then you won't see doubles. you'll be fine, it's just a quick walk and it's not as if you're stupid enough to pass by deserted alleys. 

but you had underestimated the divine prowess of your fucked up fate.

everything happened in a matter of three seconds; one, the blinding headlights illuminate your path from behind; two, you hear the loud honk, and as you turn around — three, the vehicle sends you rolling against the asphalt.

you should have taken the alleyways.

for his second act;

he alters your reality.

when you open your eyes, you thought you were dead and your spirit is wandering elsewhere — because you don't believe in trivial things like heaven and god — until an agitated doyoung comes into view. for a split second, you thought, is he dead, too?

"i'm not dead, you idiot." too dazed, you hardly register his anger. "i can perfectly handle myself, she said. i'm not drunk, she said. this wouldn't have happened if you had simply let me walk you home! you're damn fucking lucky you're alive and breathing right now!"

a person clears their throat.

"i don't think it wise to… nag at the patient the moment she wakes. don't you agree, sir?"

pink splotches on doyoung's cheek as he looks down, embarrassed at getting scolded as he stands closer to your bed. "i'm sorry, doc."

you didn't know when your vision cleared or when you started hearing normally again, but it was enough to find out what exactly had transpired on the very night of your tragic accident. a hit and run. fifty-fifty chance of surviving. doyoung getting a call from the hospital in the middle of the night —"they were trying to contact your dad, but he wasn't answering. i was the last person in your call history." 

six months in a coma. but today, you wake… only to find out your world has crashed and burned.

"what do you mean i lost my scholarship?"

"baby, listen to me —"

"why did they take it away? is it because of my accident? i'm behind by one term only and i swear i can catch up. they need to let me back in the program. there must've been some mistake —"

"your gpa didn't reach the cut-off grade."

that can't be possible.

"but you tutored me!" you claim with conviction, pointing an accusatory finger at him until you groan, bowing in pain as you clutch your head.

doyoung springs into action. the chair's legs screech against the tiles as he jumps to your aid, ushering you gently back against the hospital bed despite your refusal. "you're not well. lay back down, please."

you don't hear a single word he says, not when you had lost something so crucial. "i put in the effort and learned everything you taught me... i aced those fucking mid-terms! i know i did!" you were on the brink of tearing up as doyoung settled himself in front of you.

"i… i actually saw your papers," his lips set in a thin, hard-line. "everything was all wrong, sweetheart. what happened to you? i tried reasoning with the professors, mentioned your state — you know, with your best friend dying — but they didn't relent. i'm sorry y/n. i'm so —"

gone. everything is gone. the money. the dorm. what if they ask you to pay the fees from last year? what if they ask you to pay the tuition fee for this year? you have no money, no family, no relatives. no one to help. who's even going to pay for the hospital fees?

you weren't able to process anything after that. not with the sudden news of your now revoked scholarship. doyoung pulls you in a tight hug. "i was a bad tutor," he says, snapping you out of it. "maybe i shouldn't have pushed you that hard to learn them. why were your answers even mixed up y/n? i thought you knew those topics already…"

he pulls away, observing your confused state as your eyes dart everywhere in the room. "what — how are they mixed up? i know i got them right. there has to be some mistake. you taught me those topics, remember?"

"i did... "he averts his gaze. "but i don't remember teaching them to you mixed up, darling. i think you did that all on your own."

"but… why would i mix up my answers? that's —"

"see, what i mean?" he cuts you off, raising a hand to give your cheek the most delicate caress. "you're not well, baby. you need to be treated, especially with how much you hit your head during the accident. don't worry, i'm here. we'll try asking if you can stay in the dorms at least until you find another place —"

"am i a charity case to you?"

oh, the surprise on the junior's face when you push him away as you pin him with a hard stare. you just don't get it. why is kim doyoung so adamant about helping you? in becoming your hero, even when you never asked him to be? if you let him help you this time around, that'll be the 3rd time he came to save your ass. it's not as if you're ungrateful. simply, you've had enough of his help. you don't know how a person like you, who literally has nothing, can return the favor to someone like doyoung.

"what are you saying —"

"i'm saying…" you fix him a hard stare. "you helping me out doesn't even benefit you in the slightest. so why do you do it?"

he pauses, staring at you with hesitance in his eyes as this seems to be the very first time you've truly seen him speechless. when doyoung opens his mouth, he mumbles, and you hardly make sense of what he said. 

"do you really want to know why?" 

you urge him on with an arched eyebrow, his softened tone creeping into your heart. 

"you're someone special to me y/n. i don't know how or when i admitted it to myself, but you are, and it hurts me to see how shitty your luck is," he cracks a small grin, slowly settling back onto the hospital bed as he grabs your hand. "it's okay to seek help from others. it isn't a sign of vulnerability or weakness. i help you because i want to, and i'm more than willing to take care of you. will you let me?"

you're not blind. you've noticed the way he had slowly started coming closer as he continued to speak, hands held securely in his as he looked straight at your eyes then down at your lips. and so, you act in a way you know that will surely answer his question — with a kiss. 

the man before you immediately reciprocates, overpowering your own eagerness as he curls the tips of his fingers into the roots of your hair. he pulls you close, cradling you against his chest. you can taste his desperation in the way his tongue dances against yours, the kiss transporting you into an alternate reality where your world revolves around doyoung and doyoung alone. 

when he pulls away bleary-eyed, both of you ignore the thin strand of saliva connecting your lips. "how about you come live with me for the time being, my love?"

still high off his kiss and natural scent, you hardly mull over the question he asks you. "okay."

days later, after you've been discharged (he wanted to chip in for your hospital bills but you had given him a firm no), doyoung had been the one to show up at the dorm to collect all your things after leaving you in his apartment. the cutie had refused to simply drop you off and had deliberately accompanied you up the elevator, through the halls, and finally into his apartment. 

"i'll be out for just a minute, sugarcube."

"oh, can you get take out?"

doyoung had smiled, playfully booping the tip of your nose. "no, because i'll be cooking for us tonight as a little celebration for you getting discharged. you'll love it; i'm making your favorite!"

it was funny how the night had been nothing but utter bliss. the foreign feeling of being taken care of sprouting in your chest as you watch him cooking from behind the counter. it felt… nice. but funny enough, as if doing a 360, you both had immediately gotten into an argument the next day. 

"i don't see the need for skipping another day if i feel perfectly fine! i'll figure something out once we get there, doyoung, so can we just —"

"you' re not fine, babylove — hell, you got discharged yesterday! i'm not just about to let you back into the arena with those students. they've only grown more immature since your coma, love. i seriously don't want you near them."

"fine! then i won't talk to them. simple." you throw your hands up. "there. problem solved. now, can we please just go to uni? i need to talk to the dean and the head of student affairs, too —"

"i'm going to uni, not you."

maybe it had been the way he firmly stated his claim, the way his eyes pierced through your soul as if daring you to argue further with him that made you snap.

"i'm not a prisoner in this apartment, doyoung! don't treat me like i have the plague! i'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself — jesus christ, i've been doing it nearly half my fucking life!"

too caught up in your anger, you've failed to notice the tears pouring down his face as he sets his gaze on the floor. 

"you're right," his voice cracks. "i shouldn't be pushy like that. i'm sorry. you just mean so much to me and i'm so scared of losing you again. with your coma — i just — it's like i was fighting a losing battle each day that passed when i saw you in that hospital bed. i've never felt so scared in my whole life and i hated myself for not being able to protect you that night."

his tears run like waterfalls, and when you step forward with your arms wide open, doyoung sobs harder as he pulls you against him. you hardly comprehend what he says as he spoke, shaking against your frail body as you felt his tears stain your blouse. "i'm sorry, i never should've dictated what you felt — i'm so sorry."

"no, it's okay. i was feeling a little lightheaded, anyway. i'll stay here and i can come back to school next semester, right? doyoung? just… please stop crying."

he lifts his head, staring at you with bloodshot eyes before giving your forehead a kiss. you let a relieved sigh escape your lips, melting into his warmth as you prop your chin on his shoulder. if you had only been more attentive, you would've seen the reflection of his wicked grin on the tabletops. too easy.

living with him became a blur after that incident. everything fell into a routine for the next four days as you spent the day watching netflix, eating, reading, sleeping. nothing felt fun anymore. but your peaceful life had ceased during the fifth night — the whispers, they woke you up. you can hear them from behind your door at night, and when you rouse awake, you see doyoung walking around the hallway from the tiny gap at the bottom of the door. you had sighed, falling back into your plush bed as you pray to god, he keeps it down. 

but what he told you the next day rendered you speechless. "me, walking around the hallways? whispers?" he says, confused. "i was already asleep, love. knocked out cold the moment my body fell on the bed."

"but…"

he doesn't spare you a glance as he takes his sweet time skimming through his notes on the dining table, coffee in one hand. "maybe it's just the meds kicking in."

"no, surely it was real! i literally woke up in the middle of the night," you repeat. "it's okay if it was you, doyoung. i'm not mad."

he sets his coffee mug down a little too loud. 

"well, you can't be mad at me, sugar, because like i said — it wasn't me," it doesn't take a genius to notice he's awfully cranky today. you observe him, dark half-moons under his eyes as he relentlessly reads his notes with instant coffee in one hand. 

"you're just imagining things, okay? stop acting crazy."

for some reason, the way he had uttered certain words like 'imagining' and 'crazy' made you curl into your seat in embarrassment. he was right that your doctor did prescribe a generous amount of pills per day, but his tone made it feel off, made you feel like there was something wrong with you even when there wasn't… 

right?

you didn't say a word after that and had hesitantly pecked him on the cheek before he left for school. with the amount of time you're with him, two things stood out to you — his keen sense of observation and his knack for reading people. you highly doubt he didn't notice a shift in your behavior but a part of you thinks it's just the stress talking. he is about to take his finals and had recently started on his research paper. 

every psych student is required to present a paper in accordance with the department's annual theme. it could be anything from proposing a theory (if you dare) to constructing a well-developed psychology model. if you don't turn one in, you don't graduate — the paper's that important, and you've been bugging him for so long about sneaking a peek on what his study is about. but he always refused. 

the next week came rolling around, and both of you had been spending every day together due to the semestral break. the arguments have significantly lessened, but your episodes — eventually, you started calling it that way because that's how doyoung labels it — have only gotten worse. you end up moving out of the guest room and into his. privacy be damned. the whispers stopped momentarily but what came next became your imminent downfall.

the first time you heard it, you thought you were dreaming. but the doorknob kept rattling aggressively even as you sat up. just as you climb off the bed, your half-asleep boyfriend asks where you're going. 

"bathroom," you lied.

you were always the one to snort when it comes to the supernatural, claiming it's all bullshit. yet, as whatever outside continues to fight its way inside the room, the rattling progressing into loud bangs against the door, you're not so sure of your beliefs anymore. you're not crazy. nothing is wrong with you, and you're perfectly fine. this apartment is cursed, and you are going to prove that to doyoung.

grabbing your phone from the bedside table, you turn the flash on, pointing the camera at the door as you take a footage of the mad entity that has been playing games with you. a squeal escapes your lips when a particular bang! reverberates louder in the room than all the others. the phone slips your hand, falling onto the floorboards. you don't bother to retrieve it as you scramble to get yourself back under the blanket and into doyoung's comfortable warmth.

you snuggle yourself plush against his chest, shaking as you wrap your arms around his waist, inhaling his natural scent to anchor you back. 

bang! bang! bang!

you didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

"can't the video wait? there's a new episode of start-up, and i want to watch it already!" he whines, shoving his face further on the throw pillow situated on your lap.

you giggle, shaking your head as you scroll through your gallery to find the video. i'm not imagining things. i'm not hallucinating. i'm not crazy. "here! watch... i'm telling you this apartment is haunted, and the ghost probably likes you, which is why it doesn't bother you —"

your lighthearted rambling cuts off when you notice no sound emitting from your phone. weird. you could've sworn you started recording right when the loud banging has already started. your heart drops upon the wary stare doyoung shoots you before he continues to watch the video. 

no, no, no, no — please!

you quickly scoot over to his side, watching as the video unfolds before your very eyes. the shot was messy as the phone was handheld, not to mention you were panicking at the time. but the video is silent. not a single noise of a rattling doorknob or banging on the door can be heard through your phone's speakers. 

"maybe — maybe you didn't turn the volume up?"

you hardly contain the mortification in your face when you realize the volume's at 100 already. and as if on cue, your squeal is heard in the video and the noise of the phone hitting the floor.

doyoung's silence shakes your whole being. as you kneel before him teary-eyed, your voice breaks. "i swear, i'm not crazy."

but at this point, you don't believe yourself anymore.

for his third and final act;

he triumphs.

his deprivation began in minuscule ripples. 

it didn't take much effort on doyoung's end to convince you to stop studying for a year or two, at least, only until your hallucinations aren't as severe anymore. everyday felt like hell on earth as the fine line between what's real and what isn't has blurred over one too many times. in sheer paranoia of accidentally hurting him in his sleep, you moved out of his bedroom and had started sleeping in the guest room again — much to doyoung's frustration. 

but he's a smart man, one that recognizes an opportunity amidst the hurdles thrown on his path.

"why does my door need a lock outside again?"

he approaches you, who’s sitting cross-legged on the bed, after screwing in the last of the screws that came with the new doorknob. doyoung is familiar with the look written on your face, has observed and studied you enough to navigate his way inside your pretty little head with ease.

he can't have you doubting him, can he?

"you know i'm all about protecting you, right?" he starts. you nodded. "i've been doing it for a year now, and i will continue to do so until you need me to. the world is a bad place, sweetheart, remember? your own best friend's mother tried framing you. your dad disowned you. you've been ostracized in the whole college... do you think i'm just like the rest of them, baby?"

doyoung has already mastered the perfect expression of a kicked-puppy, one that easily pulls at your heartstrings and has you cooing at him.

"no!" you say with conviction, reaching forward to thread your fingers through his. "i know you're different, not like any of them at all. i know you're only doing what's… best for me."

he ignores the underlying hesitance in your tone. that will be corrected, sooner or later.

doyoung tightens his hold as he kisses the back of your hand. such an innocent gesture — but such ill intentions.

"the outside lock helps me in protecting you, love. you don't need to worry about anything. just focus on getting better, alright? i'll keep the bad guys away from you."

it was during his first semester of senior year, a few months back, doyoung and a good few students of his batch had been granted the opportunity to intern for a mental hospital located near the edge of the city. he was supposed to decline the offer but you convinced him to take the spot. it had only been a two-week “job” yet it was enough for doyoung to conclude — he’d rather kill you than subject you to the horrors of what the patients have to go through in the loony bin. 

eventually, the small ripples shift into unforgiving waves, dragging you into the depths as everything comes crashing down before your very own eyes.

it should have been like any other day inside the apartment. doyoung's already gone in the morning to attend classes. though not before setting a tray of your brunch on the nightstand, making sure to lock your door on his way out. he knew your nightmares and anxiety kept you up at night, resulting in longer hours of sleep during the day. 

turns out, you moving out of his bedroom had been a blessing in disguise. coming home to an empty apartment has become his biggest fear yet, and you unconsciously found a solution for him. one that doesn’t have him fidgeting on his seat as he counts down the minutes ‘til he’s back by your side.

doyoung smiles unconsciously as he listens to his professor drone on and on in front of him — his mind at peace, knowing you're safe and sound in your little prison.

until he received a text that made his blood run cold.

ty, 11:34 am —im done.

meanwhile, you rouse awake once more to thunderous poundings against your bedroom door. oh no, you thought. it's happening again. this time, there'll be no doyoung barging into your room, half-asleep and hair messy, as he tries to calm you down. you throw the blankets over you as you sob, hugging your legs against your chest as you try to 'wake yourself up' from the hallucination.

the person outside calls for your name, the desperation in their tone alighting a new-found fear in your heart. you don't know what's real anymore. is this truly happening, or is it another hallucination your fucked up mind has conjured up?

"please! it's taeyong! y/n, can you hear me?"

taeyong?

slowly, your head peaks above the blanket, warily staring at the door. doyoung has warned you about these kinds of things, has practically ingrained in your mind that whoever comes looking for you will take you away from him. not to mention, doyoung slipped one time and said he isn’t friends with taeyong anymore.

the banging on the door progresses.

“are you in there? answer me! i can’t find the key!”

you don’t say anything, merely pushing the covers off your body as you keep your eyes fixed on the beating door. it looks like it’s about to pop out its hinges as taeyong relentlessly fights his way inside your room. what are you going to do? do you open the door? oh. right. you can’t do that on your own accord. the key is with doyoung and he isn’t in the apartment at the moment.

all your thoughts come to a halt when the boy outside sends the door flying open, finally breaking the lock with one powerful kick. you flinch back, his actions pushing you on your feet, wanting to place a maximum amount of distance from the intruder. 

taeyong looks frantic, disheveled as he immediately notices your alarmed state. he approaches you cautiously, hands up to show his empty palms. “hey, hey… it’s just me, y/n. i’m not going to hurt you. i’m not the enemy here.”

“doyoung doesn’t know you’re here, does he?”

the look of surprise on his face is an answer in itself. for someone doyoung had proudly claimed to have “broken” you’re still quite quick to catch up on things, taeyong observed. and he doesn’t know what to feel about it — pity? guilt?

“that’s not important!” he claims, boldly surging forward to grasp your shoulders with a firm grip. taeyong felt his heart dropping when you flinch under his grasp. 

“listen to me. we need to get you out of here. doyoung isn’t — he isn’t everything you thought he is!” he can’t help but raise his voice, panic surging through him because there’s not much time left and you aren’t exactly cooperating. you’ve been trying to shrug off his hold the whole time. 

“do you think he actually loves you?”

“he does! stop saying bullshit!”

“doyoung never loved anyone and you want to know why? because he’s too in love with his research to care for anything else!” taeyong felt bad to have been so direct, especially when he sees the tears now falling freely down your cheeks. “listen to me, y/n! i’m not the enemy! if there’s anyone you should be pushing away, it’s doyoung! he turned you into his lab rat! you are nothing but a variable in his study! don’t you get it?”

taeyong grabs a firm but gentle hold of your head, trying to make you look at him straight in the eye for the gravity of what he’s about to say to you.

“doyoung had his eye on you since sophomore year. i told him this was a bad idea and that he should change the topic of the research and he was. fucking hell, he was about to scrap the whole thing until your bestfriend died and did you know what that psycho told me? that it was a sign for him to continue the research! and i’ve been pestering him so much that he moved out because he claimed i was going to get in the way of his discovery.

tell you what, if you can tell me right here, right now, that he has mentioned anything — anything at all — about his study to you then everything i’m saying is a lie.”

you have asked doyoung for the longest time about that research but the answers have always been the same. “not yet, my love. it’s not time for it to be seen with your eyes. soon, okay?”

with a voice not louder than a whisper, you ask. “what… what’s his research about?”

you fail to see the sorry look on taeyong’s face. “in psychology, they say a person only develops psychosis mainly through genetics or drugs. although you’re technically already a worthy “lab rat” considering your mom and upbringing, he wanted to expand the external factors of what causes the disorder — grief, grades, toxic family relations…”

you hear a ringing in your ear and a sudden urge to throw up. only, you didn’t have anything to hurl because your brunch remains untouched on your bedside. 

“but he hadn’t been successful. and that’s… that’s where i came along. doyoung thought the medications he’s been giving you isn’t doing what he wanted it to and he knew he needed a little push. i was… i gave him that push. remember the whispers, the banging on the door at night? it was all me. he made me do it. you know what that means, right? you’re not crazy. you don’t need to stay here cooped up like some kind of pet, believing all his lies as if it’s written in a fucking bible —”

he stops. and if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t’ve heard the familiar beeps of the front door’s automated lock going off. doyoung’s home. 

in lightning speed, taeyong has you sheltered behind him, throwing his warm coat over you in the process, hoping to give the smallest comfort amidst the chaos that’s about to erupt. there’s no point in pretending or hiding — one look at that lock and his crazy friend would know something’s off. 

taeyong feels you flinching behind him with every heavy footstep against the floorboards as doyoung wastes no time in getting to your room. and when he finally appears, hands braced against the door frame, you’ve never been this scared your whole life. his eyes are drawn into slits, fixated on taeyong alone. “how fucking dare you?”

“it’s over, doyoung. give it up or you wouldn’t have to suffer a longer sentence than you’ll already get.” taeyong tried with his whole being to appear intimidating.

“what’re you saying, yong? i meant, how fucking dare you barge in here and disturb my girlfriend in her sleep? that’s not very nice of you…” doyoung sports a disarming gummy smile as he approaches, hand outstretched and beckoning towards you. “c’mere, baby. i don’t think you’ve eaten lunch yet?”

“drop the fucking act, you psycho!”

“what act?” doyoung tilts his head innocently, gaze shifting from taeyong’s and yours, who keeps peeking from over his ex-friend’s shoulder. luring you out is a piece of cake unless taeyong decides to make things a wee bit more complicated, doyoung thought. “i’m just concerned for my darl —”

“we’re leaving.” taeyong cuts him off, breaking eye contact as he places a firm grip around your wrist. he pulls you towards him, farther away from your supposed lover as he tries walking past doyoung. 

but the said man pushes taeyong back with a humorless smile on his face. “and who told you that you can do that?”

a pregnant silence befalls the room as the two men size each other up. they regard each other with such hostility, you can't help but unconsciously fist the back of taeyong's sweater in nervousness, prompting the man to turn his head over his shoulder for a swift second to check up on you.

but a second is all that doyoung needed to deliver the first kick towards taeyong's legs, throwing him off his balance. if it was one thing doyoung knew, is that he needed to eliminate taeyong's agility all together if he wants to win against him. 

but taeyong isn't one to back down. the moment doyoung straddles him on the floor, with a fist raised to throw a punch, taeyong grunts as he rolls them around. doyoung now receiving taeyong's rain of fists as he yells. "fuck you! you manipulative asshole!"

you sat on the corner, horrified of the scene happening before you. you've never seen doyoung this way. he has always been your sweet, caring bunny, but after everything taeyong said, you aren't so sure you even know the man you've been living with. 

"everything i did, i did it for her!" you flinch at the sound of bones breaking as doyoung kicked taeyong's ribs. "she had nothing to lose! i saved her!"

the door is open, you noticed. wide-open and inviting you to make a run for it. and you would have made a run for it...  but taeyong. you can't leave him behind, not when he lays there bloody and grunting in pain as doyoung lets his anger take over him. so, as stupid as may be, you did it. you had to.

"you didn't save me," you say, schooling your face into indifference as doyoung whips around, forgetting about taeyong in the bat of an eye. "you caged me in here, treated me like there's something wrong with me, gaslighted me into believing everything you said! and... what did you say? 'saved me'? you made me go through hell!"

the whole time, taeyong tries his hardest to stand upright, but his broken ribs don't allow him to. the pain too great that he had no choice but to crawl instead, arms pulling his weight as he drags himself across the floorboards, desperately trying to get doyoung's attention back on him even if it meant getting beaten to death.

meanwhile, he had his eyes trained on you the whole time you spoke, sobbing as you walk backward in fear as doyoung approached you with a dark glint in his eye. he doesn't like what you're saying; that much is very clear. he wanted to yell at you, to scream of your ungratefulness despite his constant care but instead, he says.

"i thought we were making progress, baby. i guess i have to drill everything in your brain again. you're not okay, but you will be after i treat you."

you try to fight the urge to look at taeyong as he finds his strength, silently rising up from the floor to ambush doyoung while he's so busy preaching about you. 

"what i said is true, baby. do you actually think this scum over here is doing this to save you? do you actually believe everything he said? i've been here since day-1, my love. literally. and have i ever let you down? no. everything i'm doing is for us. even this damned research!"

taeyong surges forward to put him in a chokehold, but everything happened so fast, and the next thing you knew —

"did you actually think i'd fall for that?"

you didn't know the sound of a knife cutting through flesh could sound that loud, but nothing could beat the strained gasp that tumbled through taeyong's lips as he shakily held the knife pierced through his heart. you would've been concerned about how doyoung got it so accurate in one go or where the knife even came from. but you were too busy screaming, collapsing against the wall as you let out a broken sob. 

"no," you mutter. "no, no, no..."

you can't bear to avert your eyes from taeyong as he lies dying before you. the look of fear in his eyes would forever be ingrained in your mind, and no amount of brainwashing or gaslighting would ever make you forget.

doyoung killed him. you lost.

the knife clatters loudly on the floor as he slowly turns around as if he himself has yet to register what he did. you didn't know what to expect from doyoung's reaction but certainly not the eerie smile that starts spreading on his face. 

"now... how about that lunch, baby?"

✉ : a repost no one asked but i respectfully dont give a fuck <3

[sunkaashi]

— OVERTIME

↬ Pairing. College!Atsumu x Manager!Reader

↬ Genre. Fluff. A hint of enemies to lovers if you look really closely.

↬ Warnings. Mentions of alcohol. I guess nothing else? Let me know if you think I'm wrong!

↬ Summary.  Atsumu Miya is hopelessly in love with you, but how could he ever catch your attention if all you do is ignore him? Well, maybe his plan starts to work out when he finds out that whenever he stays longer for practice, you have to stay too.

↬ Word count. 1.7k

↬ tris' note: I wrote this in the spur of the moment, but I had so much fun! feedbacks are extremely appreciated! if you wanna be added to my general taglist, fill out this form.

anyways, did you know that only hot people reblog the works they like? NO? well, now you do ;) jk, but reblogs help me tons and I'm very grateful for them <3

Sweat dripped down the back of ATSUMU's neck as he jogged around the college tracks for the nth time that afternoon.

"Just one more lap." He kept telling himself over and over again as if repeating it would make it any less of a lie.

But who could blame him when this was the only moment of the day that he could spend with you? When he just knew that, by the end of that turn, you'd be there to receive him, water bottle and towel in hand? If anything, that just drove him more and more motivated to get to the finish line.

Those seconds in which your hands slightly brushed off against each other's; the way you laughed whenever he tripped over himself, too tired to carry on; the sarcastic sneer on your face every time you scolded him for wasting your time, but still wouldn't leave. To Atsumu, that was his reward, better than any shining trophy.

"Oi! Miya!" Your voice woke him up from his trance as the blonde boy finally shot up a glance at you. He rested with his hands on his knees, chest going up and down in strong and unsteady motions, legs still trembling a bit from the training. "We've been here for almost two hours! Everybody has left already, and I want to go home for God's sake!"

Atsumu snickered at the way your voice got higher with each word, deflecting from his gaze while you said you wanted to leave. He also didn't miss how you knitted your eyebrows together just before going off at him, carefully scanning his shaky body.

"Ya could've left, ya know? I never asked ya to stay!" He replied, smirking a little while making sure to stare right into your pupils.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, that must be the reason yours were so beautiful to him. As he tried to get an answer through them, he also delighted himself in such a vision. That's why he was quick to notice their slight tremble at his remark.

"And leave you to die?!" Your voice, once again, cut him off of his daydreams. "You've been running for more than an hour after a pretty rough practice, if you go into cardiac arrest who's gonna call an ambulance?! I'm the team manager, I don't want any deaths on my back!"

In his defense, he was only there because of you, but — obviously — he wouldn't tell you that. He decided to just laugh it off.

"Well, that's something you don't see every day!" He teased.

"What?!"

"Yer’ worried ‘bout me!" Atsumu said, trying to suppress the smile forming in the corner of his mouth.

Even though his tone was playful, he knew something was off when his words were left hanging in the air, no snarky comments added to the back-and-forth banter you were both so used to.

Seeing your widened eyes, he started to question if he was right or, worse, if he had crossed a line.

You gulped down as if this would prevent you from spilling something you shouldn't say. Atsumu was dying to know what it was.

This had become a little routine of yours. Staying for a couple more hours after practice as you helped him out for a while. At first, he knew you're just doing your job, after all, you were there to assist the boys, it didn't matter who they were. Still, he couldn't shake the thought that maybe, just maybe, something had changed as the months went by.

He remembered it perfectly. It wasn't that long before that you used to curse him for making you lose such precious time of your day. He knew you had your reasons! Staying overtime underneath the unforgiving sun, having to catch up on your studies while sitting beside the filthy running tracks, surrounded by sweaty and dirty athletes.

Even so, it wasn't pleasant for him either. Jogging for endless hours, the summer heat consuming him as if hell were just around the corner.

Usually, he would run only half of those miles. But how could he stop? How could he stop knowing that the minute he did, you'd have to go home, and he would only see you the next day? No, he needed more time to win you over. He needed those small talks in between his breaks. He needed every single one of the few glances you exchanged every time he ran past you. He needed to hear you giggling at his jokes at least once more.

What once felt like dragging insufferable after hours, began to seem like less and less time over the weeks. Those little details were what made it all worth it. They were his private entrance to heaven.

And he believed that you might've been starting to feel the same way too.

He'd caught the way your lips curled up into a shy smile the last time he'd offered to walk you home. He also had noticed how your irises shined a bit brighter whenever he bought you food, worried because he knew you'd be there with him for those extra periods. He'd seen the way you laughed at his childhood stories just a tad too hard, always asking for another one.

Atsumu had always been aware of how he comes off to people: the arrogant self-centered jock. He never really cared about any of those things, but he did care about how you perceived him. The man just hoped that soon enough, you'd learn he was more than what others wanted him to be. Not a pretentious athlete, albeit a normal guy as any other, just with an ambitious goal set to his mind. And whenever you shared one of those intimate moments, he thought that, perhaps, you were one of the few people that actually saw him for who he was.

Still, that didn't make it any easier to admit the feelings he'd developed for you.

"Oi! Are ya alright?" Atsumu said, trying to catch your attention, a delicate expression laying on his countenance. "I'm sorry if I overstepped in any way, ‘kay? It was a joke, I promise." You didn't answer him just yet.

"Hey!" He proceeded, lifting your chin up so you'd look at him. "Now I'm the one getting worried 'bout ya! Snap out of it and get back to hating on me before ya realize I might have a heart!" Atsumu mocked himself, but shied away from your glare while doing so.

At least he'd made you chuckle.

“I always knew you had one, Miya." You said, rolling your eyes at the man. “I just didn’t know it worked!”

“Oya! That was mean!”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” You asked, arching your brows.

“Well, maybe, but it wouldn’t hurt if ya were a little nicer to me once in a while!”

“Yeah? How so?” The words slipped past your lips without missing a beat, and Atsumu couldn’t help but wonder if the flirtatious undertone was something he had only imagined. He decided to take the bait.

“For starters...” Atsumu began, slowly making his way closer to where you were standing. “Ya could buy me a beer after we’re done here.” Was he crazy or did he really see your shoulders relaxing at his words?

“Oh, is that easy?” You responded in the same toying manner.

“Hold up!” He said, raising his hands to the air. “That’s just the first step!”

“And then what?”

“And then…” Atsumu continued, moving further towards your figure. “Then ya could let me hear that beautiful laugh of yers a few more times.” He completed, stealing a giggle out of you. “Just like that.”

“Great, so I’m halfway through it.” Your tone may have been monotonous, but your eyes told him otherwise. “Anything else or can we get this over with?”

“Maybe, while yer’ laughing, ya could finally realize that I’m not as bad as ya think I am.” He pondered, moving a loose strand of hair out of your features, clearing the view to your gaze.

“Now you wanna tell me what to think?” You scoffed, crossing your arms.

“Is just a suggestion! Take it as ya wish!” He winked at you.

“And what if I told you that I already did?”

“Ya did?” This time, he sounded soft, breaking out of the teasy character for a second.

“You’re not bad, Miya... Far from that.” 

“Well, that’s a shock.”

“You don’t look surprised.” You stated, pointing out the crescent grin on his face.

“Too much wishful thinking made me ready for this moment.”

“And what exactly is this moment… Atsumu?” The way you said his name, in a hushed voice, almost like a secret meant to be shared by only the both of you, gave him the green light he needed to go on.

“It’s when I finally kiss ya.” 

Atsumu was quick to grab your waist, pulling you closer to his chest, and finally closing the gap between you two. His gawk rapidly traveled from your mouth to your eyes, longing for a confirmation. It didn’t take a second after your subtle nod for him to merge your lips together, your body melting at his touch. His grasp was gentle, but firm, like you were something he treasured, something that he never wanted to let go of. And by the way you gripped onto his neck, the boy could tell he wasn’t alone in this.

Atsumu moved his palms all the way up your back, briefly running his fingers through your hair, but resting them upon finding your face. His tender touch cupped your cheeks in between his hands, pushing away just when he inevitably ran out of breath. 

"Do I still have to buy you that beer or is this nice enough for you?" You said, unable to repress a smile.

“Hm, I’m not sure… Why don’t you kiss me again and we'll see?"

© sunkaashi — 2021.  all rights reserved. do not repost, plagiarise it, translate it nor reproduce this post as your own.

[bookofmirth]

Lele, you’re probably following all the caos around the fbaa fandom and the total caos in goodreads and it got me worried for sjm… we knew the fandom is really divided right now with the ship war (I think it’s a 50/50? I don’t really know bc I don’t follow it) but wherever sim decides to go in acotar 5 I’m afraid this will happen to… the ship “not chosen” putting the book in the hate train

I have been following the fbaa thing, and it's really interesting to me because it feels like a process that the sjm fandom went through ages ago, but on speed 😂

This got longer than maybe you'd expect because I have a lot of thoughts about anti fandoms hehe

I'm not worried about the acotar fandom when gwynriel happens because:

1) sjm has blown ships up in the past and people either moved along with the changes, or they left the fandom, or they shrugged and said "I still ship the thing I like and canon is just a mere suggestion". See: chaolaena, doraelin, malide, moriel, and... that's all that come to mind atm.

2) When acowar came out, a ton of people left the fandom because they hated how it was written, the ships, Mor's coming out. We've been through this before. Besides acosf, acowar is the biggest shift I've seen in the fandom since I started stalking just before EoS came out in 2016.

3) Even if there weren't a "reason" for people to leave, the fandom naturally ebbs and flows.

4) SJM already has a healthy anti community. I've said this a few times but I really, really don't think that people who are new to this fandom or new to fandom in general ("new" being since acosf released) truly understand what the anti sjm community is. This whole tagging posts with "anti character" is SUPER WEIRD TO ME because hi, we can talk about things we don't like without tipping into the realm of being an actual anti, ffs. That's not the point of anti tags, or at least it hasn't been. You'll never catch me tagging a post "anti character" or even "pro character" 😂 To me, if I'm in the fandom it's implied that generally, I like the thing. If I'm in the anti fandom, then it's implied that I don't.

Being an anti is not "I hate this thing and here is why" and then moving on with one's life. It's creating an entire blog whose sole purpose is to tear down a creator. It's spending months, and years of one's life talking about what a shitty, problematic writer X person is and why everything they create is horrible and convincing other people of all the reasons why this entire creation, or every single creation, by this one person, is The Actual Worst.

The irony is that many antis start off as stans. I mentioned malide, right? A ton of antis still ship malide and/or stan Manon. I can see e*riel being the malide of acotar. People insisting that it was the plan all along and refusing to go with the flow, and then dedicating their entire blogs to how it should have been, and then deciding that actually, sjm is the worst writer in history because they read things one way and she intended them another way. Cue the misuse of "death of the author".

She's been clear as hell about what's happening, but they are trying their damndest to not see it. So yeah, they'll be antis, the ones who stick around. But that won't really change much because sjm already has a big anti community, like I said!

I actually asked some friends if JLA has an anti community already because what happened last week had all the classic markers of what happened with sjm during acowar. There was a ton of criticism, it was a shitshow for a while, but it calmed down eventually. It will be the same thing here!

[chaos-in-one]

How did you figure out you were a system?

I'm gonna be honest, due to amnesia we re-descovered it like 3 different times.

And yet I remember like

One of those times

Which was figured out from being close to other systems, self reflection and going 'oh hey wait was that what was going on?' (We had a period of time where the system was less covert and prior to re-discovering it brushed it off as a delusional episode), followed by a shit ton of research, varied from looking for symptoms, self analysis, talking to people diagnosed with those disorders, and more.

Of course things got more I guess... developed over time? It helped we where in therapy throughout this. We did after a while bring up our symptoms to our therapist. After several sessions of talking and explaining she agreed we might have that going on. However she didn't have the qualifications to diagnose so we weren't diagnosed while working with her.

Unfortunately (for us, not for her) less than a year later we had to switch professionals because she got a promotion. I don't remember what he was exactly, but he was qualified to diagnose. After a few months of seeing him, he's the one who gave us our OSDD1 diagnosis!

He kept treating us until we moved states (psych professionals's license is state specific in the US so he couldn't treat us once we moved due to not having a license in our new state)

We're still working on getting a new counselor or therapist of sorts that we can see on a weekly basis like our past therapists (we do have someone in mind, she's a trauma specialist so that should be helpful for us). But we did get set up with a psychiatrist. We've already had a few appointments with him. He agrees with our diagnosis as well.

[zuffer-weird-girl]

@glassartpeasants I blame you for this.

Heartless, demon, cruel, cold, murder...

Those were honestly the kindest words you ever heard of him... yet your heart spoke the exact opposite.

The man could even commit arson right on your front and you couldn't just be... mad at him. Your thoughts about Chisaki never changed despite the attrocities he said and did on all those past few months.

Yet something truly did angered you. How he couldn't give a fuck about you.

After the boss entered on a coma for unknown reasons, Chisaki wasn't the same. Heck, now he demanded to be called by the name of his quirk, Overhaul. Is that or being a pool of blood and mutilated limbs on the ground.

Yet... you felt hope. You really felt hope that this man could change. Be the young man that you met and fell for. Just... notice something.

Notice your pain like he used to... or even show a tad bit of... care. That's all you wanted. Kai would always know when you were sad, on his own way try to comfort you. But now? He didn't even cared...

One tear of yours brushed past the cracks of your cheeks as you winced at only touching it... sighing a bit, you grabbed your mask and put it on. Ready to start the day.

Walking past the halls you saw the man himself standing on his foot. Your face brighten up a bit as you walked towards him.

"Ka-" you stopped immediately when he gaved you a harsh glare "Sorry... Overhaul. Good morning Overhaul." You mumbled.

He only scoffed, walking away from you and simply lifting his hand.

"I dont have time for this. Get to your work and don't bother me."

Each sentence like this one was like a stab on your chest... why would he answer a good morning of yours like that?

"A-Actually.." you tried to muster as he stopped with an annoyed sigh "Can we.. please talk?"

He narrowed his golden eyes at you, looking as if he had been staring at something hideous and that just fucking spitted on his face.

"Make it quick." He grunted, one of his hands resting on his hips as the other remained on one of his pockets.

"I-Is kinda silly ..." you poked your fingers together "I-I mean, we've know each other for more than years already and-"

"Spit it out." He hissed and your smiled dropped.

"... is just that... I felt like I needed to say it." You lifted up your head and stared at him without fear "I.. like you.. more than anything."

"... fine." He simply said like he was expecting something else as your body started to tremble.

".. fine? Is that.." you gulped the thick air on your throat "Is that all you have to say at someone who is confessing feelings for you?"

"Tch." He rolled his eyes before giving his back to you, only giving a side glance "That wasn't a surprise for me. You're like one of those loyal dogs. No matter how much they are kicked they come back crawling towards their owners."

You widened your eyes as you felt the crack on your cheek deepen.

"What?" You let out a gasp of disbelief as he blinked.

"For your information." He narrowed his golden orb at you harder "I dont like to repeat myself. You're just a toy and a obedient scum that is meant to follow my orders. Is only a matter of a lackey, in that case you, and the master." He started to walk as you stood dumbfounded.

Your hands formed into fists as your jaw clenched, finally a feeling you never thought you could feel towards this man appeared. Anger.

Without thinking you grabbed a vase and threw hard enough to almost hit his head, missing by a few inches as he widened his eyes at it.

He looked at the broken vase on the floor in shock before looking towards you, breathing in and out as you felt your skin cracking even more.

"If all I am to you is a loyal pet..." you breathed out, taking your mask off and eventually showing the cracks on your skin to him and the curious precepts coming to see the scene. "THEN YOU CAN TAKE THIS!" you threw the mask towards him that kicked on the floor and almost landed on his feet.

"You have some nerve now.." he growled, taking off his glove as a threat.

"DONT COME TO THIS SHIT TOWARDS ME NOW CHISAKI!" you shouted with a finger pointing at him as he felt his shoulders tense.

Never on your life with him you ever called him by his once surname.

"I was really the only one on this fucking house to truly respect you! Not by fear as almost everyone on here, but because I really am so stupid to fall in love with a bastard, selfish and arrogant man like yourself!" You walked towards him to be standing chest to chest with him as finger was aimed at his face.

"Quiet down." He growled before finally noticing the many cracks and pieces of your skin falling on the ground as you shouted "(Y/n) what-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" You shouted so loudly that even Rappa winced at the anger of your voice... every precept seing the scene as you breathed in and out "If you want to kill me do it now... would be a favor for yourself wouldn't it?" You glared at him as he blinked, still in shock at your actions.

"Not a word?" You commented as you winced at the cracks going to your neck already "For these past few years I wanted to see you happy, succeed... I fucking loved you..." you whispered in pain, dropping your head a bit, taking out a gift Chisaki had given to you a few years ago, a black and white bracelet you never once took off every since now.

".. I was stupid." You lift up your head with a frown and let the bracelet fall into the floor as you gave your back to him and almost ran out of the house.

He was in state of shock before he narrowed his eyes at the subbordinates and commanded them to get back to work... just when all of them left he crouched down to pick both your mask and the bracelet.

"... she will be back. It was just a tantrum." He sighed, taking the two of your once possesions to hsi office "But.. what on hell was that thing on her face?"

.

.

.

Five months... five months flew by since you exited the Shie Hassaikai for good. Going into the doctors to just search for a damn cure... but it was impossible.

"I'm sorry my dear, there is nothing we can do if..." your doctor of years tries to speak through the pain as you stood in the chair, your arms with cracks as part of your cheek was gone.

"I understand." You said, hollow as you always had been after leaving that house. "Thank you for your time... I will see you on the other side then." You managed a smile to the old man as he could only drop his head in shame when you left his office.

People you brushed through the streets looked at you with pity... and you hated.

You evicted the Shie Hassaikai like the plague himself. And one time you could feel Chrono following you.. it was the last straw when he followed you at the appartment you were living on the subborns.

"Go away Kurono." You muttered, feeling him watching you get your keys and open the door, and before you could close the door you groaned at sieng the black boot on the door, preventing you to close it.

"Can we at least talk? I'm not him." He said while taking off his mask, a wince escaping his lips as soon as he saw you on the state you were "What the-"

"Shattered heart disease... dont have a cure." You mumbled, eyes stuck on the floor as a piece of your ear cracked and fell.

"Holy fuck..." the man sighed shakily "Listen, maybe if you come back to the Hassaikai Overhaul can-"

"No." You grabbed the handle and forced the door "It was because of him I am on this state. And I know you came here by his others, and let me say one thing" let me die in peace." You slammed the door shut as Chrono groaned.

"Both of you are just so thick skull it gets on my nerves!" He kicked the door as you rolled your eyes, locking and going to the bed.

The man glared at the door before sighing, looking at his cellphone ringing and leaving the place.

"Forget it man. (Y/n) doesn't wanna see you or the Shie Hassaikai even if we offered her tons of gold."

"... fine. You did what I order so there is nothing that we cant do."

"Be honest Kai.. you do have feelings for her, for a long time." He ignored the disgusted "tch" on the other end of the call "And honestly? If I were on your shoes I would be almost killing myself to fix things." He spoke with a frown.

".. what are you talking about Chrono?"

"Well.." he looked over his shoulder at your apartment door "Ever heard of the Shattered heart disease..?"

"... you're joking with me, right?"

.

.

.

You clenched the side of your waist with a grunt as your other shattered arm support yourself on one of the walls of the apartment.

"No... please..." you whimpered as you gasped at part of your leg shattering as you felt on the ground, more cracks forming in your whole body as you stared in horror at your hand.

"Dammit..." you hissed before hearing a knock on your door.

"Open (Y/n)." You furrowed your eyebrows and gritted your teeth... the guy wouldn't leave you alone even on the freacking hour of your death..?

"Leave..." you sobbed, tears started to shed and unit with the many cracks on the floor where you were standing as you heard Chisaki overhauling the door.

It hurted tu see him... you still had feelings for the man whose caused you this... you didn't know whether or not if you wanted him to see you or not.

"I swear even when-" he stopped midsentence as soon as he saw the scene in front of him.

You could only lift your gaze up with a pained yet broken hollow look as he almost stuttered your name.

"Get out.." your lips cracked, and at this rate you knew you couldn't even move anymore or else it's you meeting death right away.

For the first time on his life his body seemed to move on his own as he kneeled with one knee on the ground beside you as he stared with wide eyes and shaky hands at the pieces of you on the ground.

"For crying out loud.." he muttered in horror as he brushed a hand on his hair before discarding hsi remaining glove in hopes he could put you back.

For the first time he saw you trying to slap his hand away, and your hand broke out of your wrist, shattering in pieces on the ground.

"(Y/n)!" He shouted in a mix of anger and desperation as he saw your face, one that would torment him at nights for the rest of his life surely.

"Don't.. touc..." you breathed out your last word as he widened his amber eyes in horror at seing you cracking even more "me..."

After this last word you saw black and the last thing you heard was Chisaki shouting.

Your body broke. Shattered in pieces right in front of him.

.

.

.

You breathed in harshly. Your lungs burned at the sensation of feeling air again inside them as you coughed...

Blinking, your vision focused a bit to see you were on your bedroom, everything seemed on order and even a tad bit cleaner than it was usually.

Groaning, you standing on your elbows and saw the bandages on your arms as you untangled them to see your skin back to normal... not even a single crack.

"What..?" You breathed out, standing in sitting with a groan as you looked at your surroundings.

You had the strenght again to move your legs and gasped at seing that the leg you saw shattering was still intact, not even a single scar or little crack on it. Standing up you like a newborn, you took a hesitant step only to smile in astonishment that you havent heard the sound of skin or bones cracking.

Walking towards the bathroom, you giggled in surprise and utter relief at sieng your face back to normal before you flinched at hearing something breaking.

"FUCK!" a thundering voice echoed in your apartment that made you flinch. Aa voice you knew it way too well to just forget it. You poked a bit if your head out of the bathroom and tip toes carefully towards the living room to see Chisaki, jacket discarded as well as his mask, back arched on the kitchen counter as he talked with someone on the phone with a gloved hand clenching one side if his head.

"I put all the pieces together already and it has been almost a month." He growled as you stepped inside the living room...

Different from your bedroom, this one was a disaster, papers tossed aside at everywhere, your own phone shattered in pieces near a wall and the couch was with a pillow and a blanket...

Was he..?

"Yes her skin healed but she doesn't appear to be breathing..." you looked at the man, his forearms were filled with hives and you could see by the reflection from the kitchen counter the huge eyebags that were underneath his eyes...

He looked so broken and... terrible.

".. just wait and see huh?" His voice spoke in venom as the hand gripping on his head lunched the counter "WHERE DID YOU ENROLL YOUR PIECE OF GARBAGE ?! NEXT TIME I WILL FUCKING CALL A LAB RAT IF I WANT A DECENT HELP!" and with that he overhauled the cellphone before literally breaking part of your kicthen counter.

"Dammit..." he whispered, a hand on the counter as he fixed back while the other was covering his face...

"Uh..." you mumbled ".. Chisaki?" He flinched at the name and slowly took his hand out of his face.

Ever so slowly his face turned to see you, his eyes tired and red from sleep deprivation but still just as wide as if he had seen a ghost.

".. (Y/n).." he whispered your name before straighting up his back, god, not even his shirt was folded, part of his button up shirt was unbuttoned leaving part of his chest at shown to you.

You could die happily now.

You both stared at each other for a bit, still in shock as you decided to see for real if your arms were still there and without any mark.

"Uh.. can you.. tell me what happened and what are you-" before you could finish you gasped at him suddenly moving to be mere inches away from you.

"Please tell me this is not another fucking hallucination... " he breathed out as you stood there awkwardly.

"Well, I would like to not be.. I literraly died the last time I remember and-" you stopped breathing and talking just when in one blink of an eye Chisaki kneeled on the ground and cradled your hands in his own as he breathed out shakily "C-Chisaki-"

"My god..." he exhaled as he supported his forehead on your two interviewed hands "Thank God... I thought.. I thought I lost you for real..."

You blinked, frowning while looking away from him.

"Wasn't I just a loyal pet as yourself named it?" You mumbled as he let out one of the most painfull chuckles you ever heard of.

"If you were... was I really going to pass each day picking your pieces together... live on this house because I trusted none to take care of you... ever time I woke up and in very five minutes I checked for your breathing and only lord could describe the amount of relief I had when I saw the cracks on your skin dissapearing... I didn't notice earlier how much I needed you in my life... until I fucked up..." he dropped his head again while getting up.

"... so you.. never leaved after that?"

"Didn't take one single step out of this place... I was never one to pray but god..." he brushed his gloved hand on his messy and greasy hair "I lost count on how many times I begged for whoever is up there to bring you back..."

"... why? I thought.."

"The thing is..." he breathed shakily before locking gazes with you "You only give value to the things you loved after you lose them... I learned that from the hard way..."

[thirstofgames]

kitty and the jailbird

#️⃣2️⃣

-IT'S A MATCH-

A blank chat popped open and Damien stared at it for a second. He had honestly not expected it. The girl actually swiped him right. He looked at the clock impatiently; he did not have much time left in the library. There was a loud shout from the hallway, his muscles tensing, ready to hide the phone and bolt at any second.

He regretted that last question right as he pushed send. It sounded so bitter in his head now. It was a dating app after all and she was a good looking young woman.

you there?

...

hello?

busy flirting with your other matches, huh?

And there it was all about to end, the hot topic of his whereabouts. And the swift and cruel rejection that followed. It had already happened one too many times! Could he go through his again? Was it worth it? His palms were sweaty, but he never felt so cold. If the ground could just open up and swallow him whole before she finished asking... 

No, sorry

Just a little surprised we matched

you can unmatch if you want

Well, what I want is to talk with you ��

Your profile caught my eye

what part?

Your profile pic at first.

Most guys can't pull off the broken, deep and scowling thing

But... looks good on you.

you don't look so bad yourself-

but then I read your description...

and I have to know something

shoot 🙄

It was a simple Yes/No question, but it took Kate way to long to answer. She bit her lip, thinking hard on the possibilities. It was such an unfair question though. She was not going to leave, but was not going to pursue anything with him until she knew what he was in for and how long he was going to be locked up. She'd wasted enough years waiting up on others... 

I'm just a little confused 🤔

Are you really in jail?

you gonna leave if I say yes?

It really depends...

A bittersweet smile spread on his lips. What was he expecting from a girl like her? She probably had a nice job, a supporting family and tons of friends and... an actual future. Why would she even consider wasting her time with him? The little time he had left... Better to just pull off the band aid!

She felt to bad! She hadn't meant to disregard his feelings, but wasn't it fair to let her know what she was getting into? She didn't even know what he was expecting from the conversation they were having... She was curious, but she didn’t want to lead him on.

okay, let's just say...

the orange pants and barbed wire are real

OMG

I have so mane questions 😱

here we go...

What did you do?

Wait, where do you even hide your phone?

STOP!

enough with the interrogation, alright?

I'm just curious...

sure, but i'm more than just a prisoner

a little respect goes a long way

Kate’s heart sank. He was hot, but the prison was a serious issue... She supposed people were not lining up to get to know him. He seemed pretty well rounded and mannered, but he was very defensive about his crime. Did that mean it was something really bad? But he was on a dating app... so maybe he was getting out soon? 

You're right!

I'm so sorry 😓

Let's change the subject

Why don't you tell me what you're looking for

hmmm

What?

i'm thinking...

nobody's really asked me that before

Seriously?

most people stop talking to me when they find out i'm locked up

i don't really blame them. i'm rough around the edges.

She didn't say anything for a while and Damien started wondering if he should just close the damn phone and leave. He should also probably take a break from Lovelink after this... it clearly wasn't doing him any good. Dark thoughts swarmed his mind and he had to close his eyes and head his head back against the bookshelf to get rid of the harrowing feeling. Like he was falling in an endless pit...  

The screen showed him typing and deleting several responses. Kate pursed her lips, impatient. Had she said anything wrong? She’d never spoken to someone who’d been locked up, she was still unsure what could trigger painful memories, or just remind him that he was... not free. But he said he just wanted to chat and his profile mentioned 'deep conversations'... 

Okay, I'm not running away, for now

but...

But I can't really make up my mind

If I don't know anything about you

So...

alright

honestly I'm just looking to talk to someone from the outside

it can get pretty boring in here, just waiting around the clock

Let's be friends then 😊

I'll be your window to the outside world

If that's alright with you...?

Damien sighed on the other end. Beggars can’t be choosers. It was a step in the right direction though. Maybe he was not going to find the love of his life at the very fucking end of said life. He was not living in some fairytale! He was still going to die, alone and forgotten.

But maybe... just a little less alone at the very end of his road. One friend meant more than none and maybe, just maybe... he could tell her his side of the story. Eventually. She seemed patient and understanding enough. Let at least one person out there know he did not murder his own father. 

sure

that's more than most

Of course a pretty thing like her got a lot on attention... She was only chatting up with him because the others were offline- 

but it must have been pretty bad to be such a long sentence

you still can't tell me what the crime was?

look, i've been making my own rules my whole life

you better ask what crimes I DIDN'T do

wow...

i'm no bragging or anything, just letting you know where I'm at

anyways, I'm more interested in what you're all about

what are you doing on an app like this?

Honestly...

I was about to uninstall it right before we matched 😅

Oh

you already found the one?

or no luck at all?

Well, I went on a few nice dates...

i see

Suddenly his experience on the app seemed less awful. Maybe it was not the right place. Or perhaps it was just the place for a misfit like him, here with all the weirdoes and con artists. 

And then they ditched me for their exes

Just my luck 😂

Oh and I swear to god if I see one more vampire 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄

vampires?

Yeees

You wouldn't believe some of the things I saw...

OMG, one dude was actually dresses up as a centaur

I...

don't even want to ask

There's also the 'prince' scam going around

Dudes claiming to be the heirs of some  

Made up countries and asking you for money

It wasn't quite a rejection, but it still hurt a little. She already mentioned twice she was only interested in him as friends. She didn't need to spell it out every few minutes! But she was the only one... 

Met some nice people too ☺️

Actually became good friends with some

Which is nice since I just moved here

were did you come from?

Pallay 💜

you're a long way from home

I know 😢

I suppose it was getting kinda lonely

My friends and family come visit when they can

But that's not a lot...

what brought you here?

Got a really good job opportunity

But I didn't quite realize how far away I'd be

So yeah, to answer your question from before...

I'm kinda just chatting with new people

Made more friends than anything else lol

Hope that's aright with you 🤗

A smile crept on his lips. An actual, genuine smile. How long had it been since he had any reason to? God, it felt good to talk to someone! Someone who didn't know him, who didn't shout 'walking corpse' after him, didn't judge him. He almost felt like his old self. Almost. 

i'm cool with that

Great!

Looking forward to getting to know you, Damien 😄

so let's get to it

tell me about yourself

hobbies, favorite food, anything

my hobbies are always changing 🤔

I start something new every month or so

Oh, and I started volunteering at a vet lately

🐱🐶💕

With a friend I made on this app

it suits you

Hmmmmm how would you know?

We've only just met

just a hunch

I could secretly be evil ���

you couldn't hurt a fly

besides, I've seen evil and believe me

you're not it

I'm guessing you're not going to elaborate on that

Are you?

see, you know me so well already

Smartass 😝

 At lest until she finds out.

And I love food 🤤

Who doesn't? lol

But picking a favorite is like... impossible

I do have one hell of a sweet tooth  🍫🍬🍦

I'm soooo jealous

I miss making my own meals

That's right! You probably just have a cafeteria.

I'm so sorry 😓

it's cool

i'm glad we have something in common

Is there any food you miss?

Wait... was there even steak in that picture? Kate felt her ears burning, the fluffy pajamas studently itching at her skin.

just makin my own in general, being in charge in the kitchen

Damien scrolled quickly through his phone, the memories leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He nearly didn’t send the photo. It felt like so long ago, a different time...a different person. But it felt so good to remember! To be reminded of the more happier moments when he had all his life ahead of him! And showing her a piece of his past may make her curious enough to stick around for a while longer.

He hit Send.

-Tap to download photo-

Oh

Looks... delicious

you like steak? 

Oh yeah, the food 😳

Wish I could have a bite of that hahaha

So not so shy and innocent as she claimed. Good to know. Even if it didn’t lead anywhere, which he had to be realistic about - he was on death row after all - it was still fun. The most fun he’d had in a long while. It felt...nice.

HA!

i wish you could too 😏

The door of the library swung open hitting the opposite wall. The guard in charge could be heard arguing with someone. At least four voices. He had to move fast.

I'm really hungry now 😅

good

Kate stared at the screen, the little green light besides his profile picture going grey. She scrolled through the conversation as if to make sure she hadn’t just imagined it. She tapped the picture he’d sent, a small smile creeping on her lips. He looked so... normal. Well, more like smoking hot, but she expected some kind of dump, or some greasy repair shop, not Greek sculpture level abs. The boy should come with a warning! She was a sucker for bad boys, but had she gotten so bad that she was now considering a fucking convict? What if he was a murderer or something??

shit!

???

someone's coming

gotta hide my phone

talk soon

Be careful! 🙏🏻

Her ice cream, forgotten on the coffee table, had turned to soup.

What had she gotten herself into?

[fitmydaydream]

Vulnerable - Part 2

Part 1 / Part 2

Prompt: Shawn realises Y/N needs to know what he actually feels before it gets too late.

Word Count: 4.2k (whoops I got carried away)

A/N: Angst!!! Followed by a dash of protective! Shawn. Credits to the gif owner. I included two prompts anon requested so I hope you guys like it. Also I appreciate each one of you who takes out the time to read my stories. It means a lot! Happy reading my angels 💚

Shawn knew the moment you told him he was a coward that he he'd messed up everything now. All those past months he had spent pretending to be totally oblivious to his and yours relationship to the entire public has jumbled up what you both shared. Moreover treating you with the shameful silence when you asked him if he loved you anymore has only added fuel to the fire.

He knew how insecure you'd got in the past months due to him being ignorant about you when his friends, fans or the paps were around and how desperately you needed him to accept that he still held the same amount of love for you, yet he decided against speaking anything to you and let your worst fears come true in front of your eyes.

He remembered the terrible sight where your eyes were crying for help to let you out of the darkness that was slowly setting upon you and consuming you. To save you from the wave of anxiety that would wash you away soon but he let you drown in the sea of insecurities all alone.

The truth was Shawn loved you. Loved you with every inch of his soul and body but he didn't think he deserved to be loved by you. He thought he didn't deserve to be anywhere near you because you were more than perfect for him. He thought you didn't deserve the life you signed up for because of him. You deserved someone who was always there for you and not someone who was always under the limelight. He wanted to protect you from the outside world and fame which he thought would prove to be a disaster for you. It would make you do things which he would never want you to do.

Shawn loved you and he didn't feel the need to prove it to anyone and that was the main reason why he didn't want to tell anyone about your relationship. Because once the news is out in the public, you two will never be the same old school sweethearts who fell in love with each other watching each other growing up through the years.

But Shawn didn't realise how far he'd went in order to protect you that he made you feel so isolated and insecure about yourself. He didn't want to lose you at the cost of protecting you so he decided to put an end to this for once and for all. He wasn't going to let you slip away just like that.

xx

You were now staring intently out of the window of the cab which you were travelling in right now. You were in no mood to drive yourself up to anywhere so you made a decision to call a cab to drive you up to the bar because you were too mad and upset to focus on anything right now after barging out of your and Shawn's argument.

The silence which Shawn offered you was still lingering in your head making you question what you both shared because for a person who is in love with you this wasn't even worth a question.

A tear slipped your eye and you suddenly wiped it away. You loved him so much. You loved him with all your heart. Was he with someone else? Was he embarassed of you or how the way you looked didn't make you worthy of being his girlfriend? Tons of questions circled your mind and you felt your heart sinking down after thinking of the reasons Shawn could have possibly stopped loving you.

You were suddenly snapped out of your thoughts after the scene outside the window stopped moving, making you move your head towards the driver.

"We've reached the bar miss." the driver stated.

You looked outside your window and realised how long you've been lost in your thoughts. You rubbed your face. You paid the driver and muttered him a thank you in return. You got out of the car and let out a deep sigh.

The bar was obviously which you weren't a big fan of but this was the only place you could think of going to now, without people even noticing you that you'd a heartbreak and throw sympathy over your poor face. You just wanted to be alone and so you chose this place. You walked towards the bar door and entered.

xx

Shawn had seen you entered the bar and you were completely unaware of it. Shortly after you left your house, Shawn contemplated whether he should go after you or not and ended up driving after the cab you took. He followed you all the way to the bar and waited a little far from your car so you won't notice otherwise you would've freaked out. He looked at you, totally upset and how red your eyes looked from crying. This tore him up.

He hated seeing you shed tears from those beautiful eyes and even hated it more when the reason behind those tears was him.

He didn't want to hurt you anymore by making you look at his face shortly after you'd declared how much you hated him and thought of him as a coward. Approaching you would only make this situation even worse than it looked right now and he didn't want to narrow his chances of having you back anymore. So he decided to let you be by yourself for sometime, to be a little more thoughtful towards him and wait till you walk out of the bar.

xx

You knew you would get yourself involved in an emotional turmoil by isolating yourself. The bar was not lightened properly today which only added to the dull state of your mind right now. This also gave you an opportunity to be away from everyone's notice and sit in a corner, grieving about your sad life.

You ordered a drink for yourself which you didn't recognise at all and also didn't intend on drinking it. You just needed that to not make yourself look like a maniac who'd just wandered off her way into any bar.

You put your hands in your hair and let out a groan of frustration. Your mind couldn't stop thinking about Shawn. About all the words that flowed out of his mouth like it was the truth and how little he thought of you. The silence, the indifference and him mocking your relationship with him. You couldn't stop but think about the very first days of yours and Shawn's relationship. How everything was so natural and effortless between you two. How he would never stop showing affection to you at any point of the day. Those sudden twirls in the kitchen he made you do while dancing on the kitchen floor with Sweater Weather by Arctic Monkeys playing in the background. Him surprising you with back hugs and peppering your face with soft kisses out of the blue. The way he would intertwine your hands with his while walking down the roads and would place a nice soft kiss on your knuckles reminding you of how much in love he was with you.

You sniffled at the thoughts of how undemanding everything was back then. Until the day you'd to hear that Andrew had told Shawn to keep his relationship private and away from the prying eyes of the public and you'd agreed upon it just for the sake of Shawn.You remembered the night Shawn and you had a huge fight over this but somehow eventually you came to understand the whole point of this drama and stayed by his side. All because you loved that boy.

Your cheeks got wet by the tiny teardrops that were strolling down as you stared at the lockscreen of your phone. It was a picture of you kissing Shawn's cheek while he was giving you a piggyback ride on the beach. You huffed at the thought and how shattered everything was right now . Your eyes were hurting and you were barely in your right state of mind.

You moved your gaze around the bar to scan the crowd. Shortly, your eyes landed on a guy seated in a corner of the bar, laughing and occasionally looking at you in a sly way. You noticed they he was staring at you with a gaze which made you shift in your chair uncomfortably.You couldn’t deny that you were getting nervous but you tried to remain confident somehow. No doubt, he was drunk.

Your breath started speeding up a little bit when you noticed him walking in your direction and getting seated just few seats away from you. You decided to play it cool. He whistled whilst staring at you, his gaze scanning your whole body.

"May I know the reason behind such a gorgeous girl waiting around since so long alone at a table?” he asked you with a smirk.

His tone made you cringe.

“I think it’s none of your business.” you replied to him bluntly, as you stirred the straw in the empty glass to avoid looking at them.

“Woah okay babe. No need to get all snappy.” he said laughing with his hands up in defense.

"Don't call me babe." You hissed. Your face was filled with disgust when you heard him call you babe.

“Maybe you can have a drink with me and loosen up a bit. What do you say?” he insisted even after noticing the fact that you were totally disinterested. He neared you in an attempt to reach your hand but you were quick to take it back.

“No thanks. I’m totally not in the mood to do that so if you excuse me I shall go now.” you said through clenched teeth. As much as you hated your personal space being invaded by a creep, getting out of this bar was the best idea which came rushing to your mind at that moment. You picked up your bag and you heard him laughing and saying things which were inaudible as you headed out of the bar.

xx

It was colder outside than you thought it would be. You rubbed your arms in an attempt to keep yourself warm but that was not doing any good to you. Cold winds were breezing past you making you cuddle yourself.

All of a sudden your head turned into the direction of the exit door opening, and you witnessed that boy, with whom you just had an encounter with, walk out of the door, laughing hysterically and stumbling along his way.

You remembered Shawn wasn't here with you. You were on your own tonight. You cursed under your breath. Why do bad days have to get worse?

You heard his footsteps approach you.

“Woah. Woah. Woah. Look who’s here still waiting in cold! Need me to keep you warm baby?” The boy slurred out the words.

You took a deep breath and sighed. You were running out of patience as you wanted to smack his head right then and there but you decided to ignore him anyway and started walking towards the road where you thought you would catch a cab back home. But before you could walk any further, you felt a tight grip around your wrist.

“What’s up baby? I can see you're cold so why not ask me for some help?” he said in a flirty tone which had already made you sick to your stomach.

“I’m sure we can have some real fun tonight if you know what I mean huh?” the guy said with a disgusting smirk resting on his lips. He was smelling of alcohol with every word that came out of his mouth and you cringed at him.

“You’re an asshole. I would never ever want to spend even a second with you because you disgust me. Now kindly fuck off.” you spat your words at him and tried to wriggle out of his grip but it was too tight. He laughed and pulled you closer by your wrist.

“So you think that you can come to a bar, so late at night wearing a dress that short and expect me to not ask you to have fun with me? Girl are you really that naive? Take a chill baby and have some fun c'mon!” he asked you and laughed.

You were scared. Tears threatened to spill your eyes. You were already exhausted and you didn’t know what to do. Your mind was too foggy with thoughts.

Suddenly a fist made contact with that guy’s cheek and the next moment you knew, he was on the floor. Shawn had come to your rescue just in the right time and you looked at him in total shock. Shawn landed another hard punch on his face which made him fall to the ground. He grabbed him by his collar and spoke to him in extreme vexation which you’d never seen before.

“Listen you little fuck head. When she says no that fucking means get off of her you prick! Be ten miles away from her instantly! Also you don’t talk to my girl like that okay? Hell you don’t talk to any other girl like that you shit! " Shawn growled at him. He was fuming in anger and his jaw was clenched hard.

"And she can wear whatever the fuck she wants to. She can go anywhere at anytime she wants to and you cannot fucking tell her to do otherwise you get that? Now if I find you anywhere near her or any other girl behaving like a disgusting piece of shit, you’ll have it from me. You heard that asshole?” Shawn hissed. He was breathing heavily.

"Shawn let him go. He's not worth it. Please." you tried to calm him down.

"I'll kill you. I can break each bone in your body for touching her and still not regret it." Shawn barked at him.

"Uh okay but let's not Shawn. C'mon get up!" you told Shawn by pulling him up by his arm.

He let that guy go and looked at you. The eyes that were filled with rage had now softened and his face was immediately laced with concern. His arms moved around your body, eyes constantly checking you if you were okay.

"Are you okay Y/N? Did he touch you? I swear I'll hunt him down and beat the living shit out of him!" Shawn asked you.

"I'm fine. He didn't do anything. Calm down. Thank you for saving me." you replied to him in a very direct tone. You got out of his grip and started walking away from him.

As much as you hated what just happened to you, you couldn't deny the fact that it was Shawn who'd caused the major damage to you. Ofcourse you were grateful towards him for saving you from that creep but you hated him right now. You couldn't stand him after all what happened earlier.

"Uhm? Excuse me? Thank you? Y/N you're my girlfriend. I've to take care of you. That's my duty." Shawn said.

You stopped in your tracks. Was he seriously gonna be all cocky now? You laughed sarcastically after turning to face him.

"Girlfriend? Your girlfriend? What's that Shawn? Haven't heard of you having girlfriend eh?" you responded. Shawn was hurt and that was evident from his face.

Tonight was the night which you knew would come one day but didn't expect it to come this soon. You both were hurt. Broken. Afraid.

Shawn was afraid that he might lose you due to his oversight. He was afraid that the love that has bonded you two might get lost in this war of words. He wanted to mend everything. In no way he was going to let this night turn into a living nightmare which he'd always had.

“Y/N. I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed silent. I love you Y/N. I really do. I-I just-” Shawn stepped closer.

"I just what Shawn? Oh you must have thought that I would've stayed by your side all the time as I've always done like the fucking fool I'm even though you think so little of me and probably feel so ashamed to have me by your side right? You thought I was so stupid that I'll never come to know what you think of me." you cried.

Shawn looked up at you with eyes loaded with tears. He was looking like an innocent person who has been accused of a crime which he hadn't even committed. He was shaking. He was feeling weak. Everything was falling apart and never had he ever felt this helpless.

Looking at him hurt you too. You saw the defeat and fear in his eyes. But all you could remember was his ignorance towards you when your eyes used to cry for his love and care.

But if there was one thing that Shawn was determined to do tonight then it was making you realise how much he really loved you.

He approached you and engulfed you in a hug. You were taken aback at first but then you protested. You started wriggling out of his grip but he was holding you too hard.

You hit his chest but he stood there just holding you. You hit and hit and hit him until he left you but he was too adamant over not leaving you. Tears of frustration escaped your eyes.

"Leave me alone Shawn just leave me the fuck alone!! I don't wanna be near you. I hate you!" you cried out of frustration and continued hitting him.

Shawn didn't budge at all and let you hit him till you were done. He wanted you to let all your frustration out and listen to him for once. You were worn out today. You didn't have the energy to fight him anymore. Eventually you slowed down and collapsed into his chest and sobbed into his chest.

"Why did you have to do this to me Shawn? I loved you so much. What did I lack in? I'm sorry that you're too perfect for me but this is who I am Shawn." your voice croaked at the end of the sentence.

Shawn was startled at what you were thinking because it was not the truth at all. He felt so guilty of himself to lead you to think of yourself otherwise and he hated that.

"Fuck no Y/N. I can never think of you like that. You wanna know why I didn't said I love you? You really wanna know?" Shawn said wiping his cheeks. He pulled you off him and cupped your face to make you look at him.

"Then listen Y/N. I've loved you since the first day of our high school. The day you walked past me in that beautiful sundress with your hair down looking so gorgeous unlike any other girl I've seen before. Gradually we became friends and then eventually best friends. I got to know the real you. Your beautiful inner self. I looked past all your flaws which everyone said would bother me. And the thing was they didn't bother me but only made me fall in love with you. I was astonished by the fact that how someone can be this perfect. Was it possible to not have any single flaw within oneself? Was it unreal? I would always ask myself these questions and then when I used to looked at you I would get my answers. Yes it was possible to be perfectly imperfect." Shawn said while captivating you with his eyes as he spoke.

"You were too perfect for me. Too strong and way too worthy to have me. I was just a guy with a passion for music and I didn't know why you would even like me. Everything was perfect. We were in love, we were happy and dating until fame got me. I knew what things fame can bring with itself to a person. Paparazzi constantly chasing you invading your privacy, the wrath, the criticism, absolutely zero personal life and people framing you bad for things which you don't even know you ever did. I didn't want you to be a part of this bullshit at all Y/N. You were too precious to get involved in this shit."

Your eyes face turned soft at his words. Your eyebrows furrowed and a fresh stream of tears threatened to spill from your eyes. Did Shawn really thought he didn't deserve you?

"I was always away from you Y/N. Fucking always distant from you. Always away from you when you needed me and you never even complained. How freaking delusional can a person even get? What kind of a fucking boyfriend does that to his girl? You didn't deserve this kind of life. The kind of life where your boyfriend works on the tips of his management and is literally a puppet. I was always right baby. You didn't deserve me at all. Not even a bit of me. You're too pure and perfect to have me. I'm messed up Y/N and I have a messed up life. And I don't wanna mess up yours too. This was the day you were most afraid of and look what I did? I fucking brought that day to you when you were trying to avert it at all costs." You shook your head while hot tears were streaming down your cheeks.

“You deserve someone who loves you with every inch of his soul and every beat of his heart. You deserve someone who's always there for you when you need them. This is like an open fire, firing harsh words at each other even though we don't want to and bruising each other's heart with sharp knives. I might love you with my whole living being but Y/N, my love I don't deserve you in any way." he continued.

"I thought that if I treated you in the way I'm not supposed to then you might consider leaving me and that'll be the best thing for you but no. Fuck Y/N I saw you walking out of that door today and I swear the feeling of you leaving me hit me so hard that I actually wanted to die. I'm indeed a coward baby. You were so right.” he sniveled hard.

You couldn't bear the sight. That was the moment you regretted some of the words you'd said to him. Shawn was shedding tears of defeat. He did love you after all. The whole time when you were thinking that he was ashamed to have you as a girlfriend, it was actually him being eaten up by his own insecurities. You've been wrong about him all this time and had already went too far by calling him a coward.

You gulped and gently took his face between your hands. You caressed his cheeks whilst looking at him with a soft expression written on your face. Your lips were shaking from crying too much.

"I-I'm so sorry Shawn. I d-didn't know you were feeling all this the whole time." you stuttered.

Shawn placed his finger on your lips and shook his head, telling you to stop.

"No Shawn I've to say this. Although I'm broken, I can't see you like this. I doubted your love for me. I'm so sorry baby. I didn't know all this time you were feeling so insecure about yourself and I was only feeding it and not helping. You're not a coward Shawn. No not at all. I'm just so so sorry baby" you said wiping his tears.

"You're the only one I want. I too fell in love with you the day I caught you looking at me. Those brown eyes, the way they glimmered when you talked about something you loved was what made me fall in love with you more. You looked at me like there was no one else was in the room. Are you kidding me like who the hell looks at someone like that? You made me feel like a good person Shawn and I'll always be grateful to you for that. I can state a million things about you and still say that they're not the reasons why I love you. Because I love you for you. The way you are and what all we've been through. You make me strong." you stated.

"And even though loving you feels like chasing the clouds and riding a rollercoaster, I wouldn't trade this love for anything else in the world. I treasure you Shawn. I'm never gonna leave you baby. I'm right here and I'll be forever. I love you Shawn Peter Raul Mendes and I can't let you go ever." you said with a broken smile resting on your lips.

Shawn bit his lips to avert himself from crying anymore. He suddenly pulled you in by your waist and crashed his lips against yours. Your lips fit his just as perfectly and you loosened yourself under his embrace. His tongue collided with yours, exploring your mouth with utter desperation. The kiss made you felt healed already and you burned under Shawn's touch as his hands roamed all over your body.

"I- l-love y-you more Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N. I can even d-die for y-you." he said inbetween kissing your lips and smiling through the kiss. You both tasted the saltiness in each other's tears that were no where near stopping.

You pulled away from the kiss to look at him. You were satiated how the night had turned out. Shawn placed a soft, longing kiss on your forehead and rested his lips there.

"You know our love is made for the movie screens." he mumbled against your forehead, soft sniffles still leaving his mouth because he was too emotional right now.

"Oh so now you're gonna talk like you're in the 80s or what. You're a dork Mendes!" you giggled as you cuddled in his arms, wiping your wet cheeks against his sweatshirt.

"Hey!" Shawn laughed and fished his pocket for something. You looked at him with a questioning look and before you could ask him what he was doing he was quick to respond.

"Need to call Andrew right now" he said smiling at you. You blushed and hid your face in the crook of his neck.

xx

Feedback is always appreciated and I would love to have some. Thank you for reading! Hit like/reblog if you enjoyed this. MASTERLIST

[iamcinema]

IAC Reviews #19: Wishbone (2000)

Hey, is anyone still alive out there? I hope so.

Coming off of last year was a disaster, and well, we didn't enter 2021 on the highest of notes. I guess you could say I've been burned out and not having a ton of motivation to do a lot, even with how much I've been grinding on Letterboxd over the past few months. I think I'm ready to come back, and since there's a storm is brewing outside, let's make today a movie night...and boy, do I have a treat for you.

I think I've made it kind of apparent that I have a weakness for terrible, low-budget, trash fires. There's something oddly charming about them where they always find a way to lure me in, and given the scene on Letterboxd, there's a bunch of SOV masochists out there waiting to get their next fix. While digging around for material to cross off my lists on titles to find and add, I was reminded of a terrible, low-budget film that was shot in my hometown over 20 years ago. I'm full of fear for what's to come, and you should be too.

________________________________________

Wishbone is a 2000 horror film directed by Timothy Gaer and co-created by Michael Fasciana, centering on a woman named Laurie who receives an unusual artifact from her eccentric aunt she acquired from a pawn dealer that causes those around her to disappear when they make wishes on it. Hmm, seems simple enough. Let's what we're in for, and I'm absolutely not ready because the IMDb page says this shit is over two hours long, despite a version on Youtube having it just a bit over 90 minutes. Let us pray.

Wishbone in One Gif:

This acting is might be the death of me, but I'm not sure what's going to be the catalyst that causes me to fall down the stairs and break my neck: the sound quality, the weird editing, or the music...oh, god what the fuck is the music doing? So much noise, noise noise!

Okay, so let's dig into this before I take too long of a break and I don't come back to this. I've already had to pause the movie a few times to catch my breath or just rewind and go back because there's a good amount that I keep missing because, apparently, the star of the film is the score and not Laurie. This is so, so slow. I've seen a lot of long horror movies, but at least with those, it feels like things are happening. Even Blood Lake had filler that did something to some degree, and with that, it was consistently bad. This movie doesn't even know what it wants to do. So, as a disclaimer, there's a good chance I'm probably missing some key details that I didn't hear because it seems that characterization isn't important if the music insists on talking over everyone.

________________________________________

So, to date, this might be one of the worst horror movies (and movies in general) that I've ever seen and it might be one of the slowest things in the entire megaverse. This is over 90 minutes of, somehow, nothing and something happening simultaneously - if that makes any sense.

This takes its sweet ass time moving along and there's so little pay-off. The majority of the characters are either nameless or we aren't introduced to them in a way that matters enough for us to care about them. It's kind of like with Violent Shit and other low-budget slasher films where the majority of the characters serve no purpose but to be disposable. Next to the two main leads, Laurie and Joe, and maybe a few others, everyone is just forgettable and even then I couldn't honestly tell you anyone's name if it was explicitly brought up. IMDb isn't helpful either, and at this point it just makes me care even less. I'm not sure if my patience has been tested too much with this, but it's kind of sad that I'm more invested in seeing what the background characters are doing than Laurie and Joe - even though I can't really hear what the hell they're saying.

Yeah, I really can't move on without talking about the sound and the music. Why is it always the audio with these movies? This has an estimated budget of $100,000, or $154,779.43 today in August 2021. How do you have the ability to somehow not make this look like a potato for the most part, well for the day shots that is, but you don't have it in you to get a good mic and someone who knows how to mix and edit correctly? I would sort of understand if you spent the majority of the money on talent to cut corners, but this is just ridiculous. Did they use the cameras' built-in mics to catch the audio here?

I feel like I need to interrupt the movie constantly to tell them to speak up because if I turn up the volume, I'm just getting bombarded with this really weird soundtrack that doesn't fit. I shit you not, during one of the kill scenes, the music booming over it sounds like it was ripped from Kevin MacLeod's "lounge" library and then the reverse happens where ominous music is playing over a more touching scene - and that's not even a dig at Kevin as an artist. That's just how inappropriate and unfitting this editing is. The weird fucking thing about this specific kill scene is that it sounds like the audio is stacked, so there are two different instrumental tracks going on.

How do you fuck something as basic as tension up like that? The audio choices are so painfully inconsistent and it doesn't know what it wants to do. There are moments where you can hear the dialogue just fine, but then the music comes in out of nowhere to segway us into the next scene and it starts to muffle things out. If it isn't that, then the dialogue is just so soft that you'd think there was a pillow on the mic or we're hearing them from the opposite side of a sound-dampened room.

This is what I meant earlier when I said I apologize in advance if I miss anything crucial because I can't make out half of these conversations. So, I'm having to keep going back if I care enough or just having to pause and take breaks because there's only so much I can handle. This means that there's a good amount I'll blank on because I have to keep going back because I can't remember the majority of these no-named characters. Who the fuck are you people? Why am I supposed to care?

If I'm understanding the non-existent rules of the wishbone, you're connected to whoever dies in some way. So, why is any of this relevant to what's going on? If it's random, then it's another reason for me not to care just because some frat kids made a wish at some point. Again, who the hell are you and why am I supposed to lament over them? Why is there so much useless filler here? Did I mention that this is over 90 minutes long and there are *three* fucking party scenes? Party scenes are to Wishbone as ten-minute-long jetskiing and beer game scenes are to Blood Lake.

Oh, speaking of other shit that's annoying. Let's talk about general editing because the sound isn't the only thing that's a mess here.

I swear that almost every single scene in this ends with a fade-out/fade-in shot. Only one or two scenes come to mind where this doesn't happen, and the first time it did I thought my browser was freezing because it abruptly cut to black and then smash cuts to a party scene. I've never, ever seen a movie that abused this that much before and it's on par with something I would have seen made by a bunch of high school kids. So, when we have a moment where this doesn't happen and it plays out normally, it feels like a breath of fresh air. I'm sure this movie's run time could have been shaved down by at least a minute or two if this wasn't a problem, along with all the useless close-up shots that serve nothing to the plot.

It's such a waste of time. I'm so fucking tired. How was this movie's budget $100k? Did they spend most of it on renting the Scranton Police Department for a few shots or did it go towards their impromptu trip to Party City? I'm so tired and I don't care anymore.

Do you want to know what the real kicker is? With just barely twenty minutes left, the whole lore about the monkey's wishbone paw comes back and that's when Laurie and her friend Karen think something is weird. Isn't this whole realization trope that happens within the first or second act, not now with your Great Value brand version of the Dream Warriors?

Also, it's not specified how much time has gone by since the start, but it has to have been at least a week or two. It's incredibly weird how they paint the main characters and the unnamed background ones as such good friends that they don't think it's weird how almost all of them have disappeared - especially one girl who doesn't seem off-put that her boyfriend (or ex) disappeared after getting into an argument at one of the parties and none of his friends could reach him either at his own house.

The final showdown is an utter pain in the ass to get through because the conflict ends as abruptly as it starts and it's so unsatisfying. We get to see the face of our villain, I guess, and then more or less cut to our leads holding hands down the street set to the same looping lounge music we've been dealing with for over 90 damn minutes. Is everyone else who went with them dead? Did they live? Who cares! That's one thing the movie and I can agree on since we never see them again. We end on a shitty cliffhanger that's supposed to prepare us for a sequel, which thankfully never happened.

________________________________________

And that was Wishbone. Holy fucking shit, I've never been so thankful for a movie to be over in my life. It's 11:07 PM as of tinkering with some minor revisions and I've been in purgatory with this for over five hours, and yet, it feels like an entire lifetime has gone by.

I've raved about how bad Blood Lake was with its incredibly bad pacing, but this is next level awful and a testament to bad filmmaking if I've ever seen it. I expect a lot of the things I complained about from super amateur filmmakers who are shooting on an actual shoestring budget, not people who had that much money to fuck around with. How did they have that kind of a budget, and the most they can give us is bad audio, Windows Movie Maker levels of basic editing, three wrap parties, and a few crumbs of gore that we could see?

This was physically painful to see and I'm in much worse shape having endured it than I would have been if I sat through something liked Boardinghouse, and that has a two-and-a-half-hour-long version tied to it. This is just a marvel and I mean that in a so-bad-it's-bad way, not like how SOV enthusiasts who love this stuff pine over. If I had to give one thing going for it, one single granule of gold that I enjoyed from this, it's the limited shots we get of the area so I could make a game out of seeing what local spots I recognized. If playing I Spy is the only way for someone to endure your movie, then I don't know what else to say.

Wishbone is a hot mess where shit's happening, but also nothing is happening at the same time. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. In fact, I wish this movie never existed or would die in the ether and never return to our mortal realm ever again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a smoke and hope I don't get run over by a hearse tomorrow.

RATING: 0.5/10

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was decent. up and out early to go to the office, made pretty good time so no complaints there. I had a grand total of four cases up in court, all in the same courtroom thank GOD, two being at 9 am, 1 at 10 am and 1 at 11 am. I got a call from OC on one of the 9 ams that we've been trying to set for hearing forever now, and the other lawyer is incredibly nice, but pretty much always ends up calling me before court and asking if I can handle it because he's either booked up with other cases (he said at one point his caseload was like a 100 cases, which is INSANE, we usually top out around 25-30 at a time) and this morning he had an incredibly sad story about his daughter being diagnosed with leukemia 2 weeks ago, so I of course said I would cover it no problem (though a small part of my brain couldn't help but wonder if he was actually just a master bullshitter, but I decided not to listen to it). We didn't even end up sitting a hearing date, it just got kicked out another month. my other 9 am we had to call from the office and like semi-convince her to come to court, it's just a super stressful situation and thankfully she got a default order, but I have a strong feeling this isn't the last we'll see of the case and she'll be back with him having violated the order, which I hate but it's a sad fact sometimes, we can only do the best we can to help. the 10 am had the potential to go haywire but ended up going perfectly fine, save the dude being peeved but hey that's his problem, not mine. the 11 am was about the same, I was somewhat concerned about what the other lawyer was going to say because we had a semi-hostile conversation last week that royally pissed me off, but when he tried to bring up some bullshit the judge just cut him off and was like no so that was that at least. the rest of the day was busy but not crazy, we had an all-staff meeting in the afternoon so the hotline was closed for the day, making my life easier. but yeah, pretty typical office stuff and then the meeting at 3, it's on Zoom of course and I can't say I was paying a ton of attention as most of it really doesn't affect me, plus I got a semi-urgent client call in the middle of it that I had to handle (people, I swear) so that took up a bit of time. we ended around 4:30 and I didn't have anything else to do, but I didn't feel like dealing with public transit, so I just ubered home. I was home for about 20 minutes or so, got changed, and then friend picked me up for a way overdue target trip. taco bell first of course, then we ventured into the home depot whose parking lot we usually use to eat our taco bell so I could get some more moving boxes and tape to continue to pack up all the shit in my room. after that we went to target, we both needed quite a few things so we ended up wandering around for a good amount of time, I am in need of a new purse and I did get one, but upon bringing it home and examining it further I see that it has no side pockets or anything so everything would just be in a massive heap and I think that would drive me nuts, so I'm probably going to return it. but yeah it was a good trip, got everything I needed. dropped at home after, watched some john oliver before starting season 2 of Billions. At some point after ten I switched over to Seinfeld, I usually would watch abc news, but I don't want to attempt to change the channel from the cw given the remote still isn't working. so I watched that for a bit before deciding to shower and start getting ready for bed, and now I'm here, it's just past 1:30 am and I of course have another case up in court tomorrow morning (should be a good one too), so I am going to end this here and go to bed. Goodnight friends. Sweet dreams.

[spreadplaylist]

SPREAD CH.4 ARTIST SPOTLIGHT INTERVIEW - TINA MATHIEU

This month's SPREAD Artist Spotlight is a dear friend of mine, Tina Mathieu. Let's get a closer look at her life and her music!

Tina: Hey there.. My name is Tina Mathieu. I’m a singer/songwriter based in Los Angeles. I moved out here by way of NYC, where I spent roughly 15 years writing and playing acoustic soul music. Within the past few months, I released my first indie r&b single and ran my very first official trail run... uphill - So i’m kinda feelin’ myself. ; )

Dan: Haha hi Tina! Those are definitely things to be proud of. I'm so excited you're our SPREAD featured artist this month! Diving right into your life and career a little more, how long have you been a songwriter/artist?

Tina: I started writing my own music after I stepped away from musical theater back in 2003. I was 22 with a broken heart and a cheap classical guitar. Typical story. I’d been writing poetry since I was a child - and somehow the ability to turn my words into melodies just clicked.

Dan: And when it clicks it's the best feeling ever. Since you have been writing for a while I am sure you have some sort of routine. Describe the place that makes you feel the most inspired creatively.

Tina: The mountains and the shower… recently I began trail running through the Santa Monica mountains. Moving through the open air, surrounded by 360’ of a world reminding me how small I am gives me major perspective - I become elevated in every way. I usually record voice memos while I hike and continue playing with those ideas once I’m home... washing all the dirt the off. The shower makes me feel like I can sing anything.

Dan: More power to you on trail running. I don't think that's something I could ever have the endurance to do! But if we're talking singing in the shower, I definitely feel like Beyoncé the moment I step in, even though I definitely don't sound like her...

Quickly moving on to get that image out of everyone's head...I know you are a very motivated and driven person. Do you have a personal mantra that helps you get through each day? If so, what is it?

Tina: These days when I feel like so much is out of my control, I like to stick with “One day at a time” and the serenity prayer... Accept the things I cannot change - the courage to change the things I can - and the wisdom to know the difference. Oh wisdom…

Dan: I've never actually heard that prayer. That's something I may have to adopt. I definitely use the day-at-a-time mantra or I tend to get overwhelmed.

So, now that you have released a new single, I know you are trying to get out and perform in LA a little more. Coming from experience I know that's a blessing and a curse. What do you think is a misconception people have about performing?

Tina: That bigger notes mean better singer. This is especially true in musical theater or televised singing competitions. I’ve had lots of internal struggles with this misconception. After dealing with vocal nodes, I had to start letting the strengths within my tone, emotion and storytelling depict my artistry - rather than belting my life away.

Dan: To be honest I think reality singing tv shows have done some hurt to singers because everyone watches them and then expects everyone to have a huge, belting voice. But we have to make room for the soothing, sultry vocals too. ;)

If you can pick, what song of yours are u most proud of? Why?

Tina: I’m super proud of two songs. ‘Downward Spiral’, my first single that I released, was a long time coming. I wrote it about 2 ½ years ago in NYC after dealing with some family turmoil. I’m proud of it because I actually followed through with it. I’ve written tons of songs and always found excuses to not finish them. When I released ‘Downward Spiral’ I felt ready. I had no excuses left.

I’m also very proud of the next song i’ll be releasing in October, ‘Ring Off’. Reliving the discovery of an affair is probably the most raw i’ve been in songwriting yet. It still hurts when i sing it and i think it makes people uncomfortable… which means I did my job.

Dan: I've heard both and I have to say they are both chilling. I don't even know if I could pick a favorite. And again, congrats on the new single!

I know that this journey is hard to follow through with sometimes, and its easy to get caught up. So throughout your years as a songwriter, who is one person in your life that has influenced and pushed you to be where you are now?

Tina: Influenced and pushed are two different things for me. I’ve had several artist and musician friends that have inspired me immensely. My family has always supported and believed in me. But as for pushing me to where I am now... I did that. Lots of people gave me advice and thought I was wasting my talent by not following through for so long, but I couldn’t do anything until I was ready - from the inside - an inner push that was long overdue.

Dan: I'm so happy to see that push now, because you're amazing! It's crazy how we can hear kind words and support from so many different people but we equally have to hear us say it to ourselves, too. With this unstoppable Tina, describe a typical day in your life. What are you doing? What do u enjoy the most about it?

Tina: I’m a mom - so everyday starts the same... I have to wake up way earlier than I prefer to blindly pour apple juice for a 4 year old dude. I also work in tv production so I’m often juggling a freelance lifestyle which allows me the opportunity to make music. I try to hike or trail run whenever I can squeeze it in. Also, Target. I’m mostly at Target.

Dan: Target always saves the day. Also, you are my hero. Now that we've seen a glimpse into your grind, and that you are not holding back in your music making any longer, what do u think is the biggest misconception people have about working in the music industry?

Tina: That you get discovered and industry people figure everything out for you and you just get to sing and make money. EASY. It couldn’t be more of the opposite. Being an artist is running a small business - the financial investment, the self promotion, understanding the convoluted money splits on the back end of a song... I mean you really have to love the ‘making music’ part of it.

Dan: You have to love it almost more than anything else. There's so much more behind the scenes that people do not think about. Being where you are today, and having just released an awesome single, if you could go back in time to the Tina Mathieu who just started out as a songwriter and artist, what is a piece of advice you would give her?

Tina: Be nice to yourself. It’s ok to tell people that you are a songwriter. You’re not a phony. And you don’t have to hide behind other people’s success… you deserve your own.

Dan: Preach, girl. Also discussing your day-to-day life, how do u manage a busy schedule and stress? How do you recharge when u need to?

Tina: I try to stay as organized as possible - Google docs run my life. Hiking and weed are my stress relievers. Often paired together. :)

Dan: We definitely need those stress relievers to get us through the business. Breaks away from the madness are so important.

A part of this business also includes of failed attempts or let-downs. I feel like they are so common you can easily lose track. Tell us about a time that you feel like you failed musically. How did u overcome this?

Tina: When I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I completely failed musically. I had yet to put out a single, yet to release an EP… and to be honest, I thought that being a mom meant that I had run out of time. I wrote a depressing song that day (that no one has ever heard) and decided to accept my failure as an artist. Luckily, being a songwriter is simply a part of me that won’t go away. It took a few years to start finding my way again - but I’m actually better than I was before and now I have someone very special to impress.

Dan: You are a natural songwriter. I don't think it could go away if you tried to make it! I am really touched by your answer, and I can't help but be grateful for all the badass moms we see in the industry that are killing it. Ya know, Pink, Beyoncé, Adele to name a few... It gives me hope that other moms will be inspired to keep going; that they're not done after having a kid. And I'll be the one to say I am SO glad you didn't give up. We desperately need your music in the world. Also...your kid is ridiculously cute I can't handle it. He'll always be your number one fan!

What is a defining moment of your career and how has it affected your life since?

Tina: Releasing ‘Downward Spiral’ is the most defining moment so far. When I teamed up with the Los Angeles Songwriters Collective for their 2nd EP, I committed to myself that it was time follow through. The past few months have been non-stop songwriting, studio time, gigs, co-write sessions, networking and supporting new artist friends. Making that one commitment changed everything for me.

Dan: I have such a big smile on my face. The gears are turning and there's no stopping now!

Looking to your inspiratioins, tell us about an artist/songwriter who inspires u. What would you like to emulate in your own artistry?

Tina: Erykah Badu is my all time favorite artist. Unique in every way. Her voice, words, melodic decisions, storytelling... honest & confident.

“She’s Clever.”

John Mayer is my favorite lyricist - I try to learn a lot from the honesty and details in his poetry. I may or may not have a lyric tattooed around my wrist. (Shhh.. I’m a fangirl!)

I’m not looking to emulate them but rather let what I love in these artists innately come through me - kinda like osmosis.

Dan: You said something SO important right there. I think up and coming artists struggle a lot when they're first releasing music. They listen to their favorite artists and then try to sound like them, but the key is letting what you love about them show in your own way! Ah, I could scream! Nail on the damn head.

So what artist/album/song have u had on repeat lately?

Tina: 90’s male R&B slow jam Playlist - Ginuwine, Dru Hill, 112, etc..

Julia Michaels - She is an effortless genius.

Kehlani - Obsessed with her.

Fiona Apple, Tidal - because her words never go out of style (and I still need a dictionary to get through some songs...)

Dan: What a good ass mix! If people reading this have not checked those artists out, GO! Some of them have been featured on SPREAD before... ;)

Laaaaaast but not least at all, how can we check out ur music and stay up to date with ur releases/posts? Anything we should especially be on the lookout for? ;)

Tina: I’m mostly active on Instagram - @tinamathieumusic. You can listen to ‘Downward Spiral’ on SPREAD CH. 4 - Feels and also stream or download it anywhere music exists. I have a few LA gigs lined up for Sept / Oct, which I’ll be announcing soon - and my newest single, ‘Ring Off’ will be available this fall.

Dan: Y'all heard it from Tina herself! If u haven't already, go check out her new single, 'Downward Spiral' on SPREAD CH.4 and go follow her! LA people, make sure u go see her live to because her music and her voice slays. Thanks again, Tina, for being SPREAD CH.4's featured artist. I'm super excited to see where this next year takes u! :)

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Thank you everyone for joining us for this month's SPREAD Artist Spotlight! I hope you have let out all the FEELS u can before Friday because a whole new playlist is coming! And it's gonna end with a bang 🎊