#we're experimenting tonight.
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🗡♕
#ffxiv#gposes#friend's characters#my characters#FFXIV Dominik Dekah#Daine sicarius Occasus#is the Dekah Red Niki's thing and not Daines? Yes. Is he also getting it as the BG for harmonys sake? also yes!#we're experimenting tonight.#IM GONNA BE HONEST I SAW A PIECE OF POKEMON FANART THAT HEAVILY INSPO'D NIKI'S POSE BUT I CANNOT FIND IT *ANYWHERE*#IT REFRESHED BEFORE I COULD SAVE IT TO LINK THE ARTIST AS REFERENCE SO IF ANYBODY HAS IT PLEASE GOD I WOULD LOVE THE LINK IN MY DMS#anyways hi i dont know where light and shadows come from i just did it for the aesthetic
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#we're charden posting on main tonight boyys ✨#with a VERY low quality meme#like literally. the image quality is very bad. and i'm very sorry for that :(#i hope you're all aware of the fact that i have no idea what i'm doing ever really#i have zero experience or knowledge or qualifications to be doing this. i just started doing it one day.#anyway yeah between how grainy and dark the screenshot was to begin with and then my lack of skills...the res had no hope#iasip#always sunny#its always sunny in philadelphia#charden#charlie kelly#dennis reynolds#iasip shitpost#shitpost#meme
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I wish I knew what it was like to put on a skirt or a dress and not have that moment of pure panic and fear, y'know? Like that feeling like I am bad and disgusting for just wearing some cloth that I actually really like. That if someone sees me they're going to hurt me, y'know?
I would love to know what it's like to wear these things without intense feelings of guilt and shame. It would be wonderful.
#oh we're trauma posting tonight#it would be nice though#g-d i wish i could cover all the trauma i had around gender and get people to understand how i ended up in the spot i did and#like when i came out when i did and ugh yeah anyway!!#actual lives experiences brought me to this place BUT CANT TALK ABOUT THAT LMAO
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20/10 stars little guy
#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic#also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey#2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders#anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop#but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes#the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e#(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm#sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol#made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details#then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao#also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent#got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night#encanto 2021#bruno madrigal#also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience#also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags#fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight
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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
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Guysssss, today I'm attending an Event™ in the evening and will miss all Sleep Token updates in real time. If they keep Atlantic on the set PRETTY PLEASE let me know (a tag would be much appreciated 🥺), she's my whole world and I miss her dearly 💙
#my parents gifted me tickets to the Van Gogh immersive experience on my birthday so that's where we're going today! SUPER EXCITED#but yeah PLEASE TAG ME ON ATLANTIC OR AT LEAST LMK IF THEY PLAYED IT#i fear my mental sanity depends on it#if we get The Apparition tonight i will eat a 50 story cement building ��#sleep token
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Immense willingness to write VS absolutely shot visual/word processing that makes it hard to read: battle to the death right now
#saltposting#I might just go have dinner and a routine about it and hope#oh my god of course that's the moment the dreaded flashing blue lights of parked emergency vehicle choose to manifest on our street. YIKES#vade retro etc etc. ANYWAY as I was saying: hope that's enough of a break for me to be able to write after*#I know why even (< blogged hardcore then spent the whole evening rabbit holing reading articles online) but I don't have to LIKE it#especially when reading words is just about the easiest least tiring processing experience we can have in this house#and it's still hard now? Like could it have waited until bedtime maybe.#Then again I could also have kept writing instead of spending 10 minutes in the google docs then bailing to go deep dive about [redacted]#for the fic I was writing granted. But like. You Know. Maybe we didn't need to do HOURS of research about it because past a certain point#it was no longer research for the fic it was just waaaahhhh this is interesting for its own sake#and now here we are LOL anyway#(we've also been insanely switchy the past couple days which is Not making any of this better due to feeling pulled in different directions#(broadly speaking “writing” is a collaborative project we're all invested in but we're having creative differences right now unfortunately)#(so it's hard to uh. Get started or remain consistent. Even outside of the exec dys bc our actual executives are actually behaving today)#(The problem is the four(? possibly more) butts on one chair problem right now. Actually might be part of what's making processing hard too#Ironically putting the colours in my own post made it look Easier to parse?? So uh. Might investigate that. After dinner.#BYE we'll be back later. Maybe not tonight I really do mean to write SOMETHING today even if I'm killed with lasers for it
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'Harry . . . I as good as killed them.[...] I'm to blame, I know it . . .'
#Sirius Black#Nic draws stuff!#We're experimenting with styles tonight boys!#bonus bloody nose from when Harry punched him
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when i was younger this whole ''no romantic or sexual experience" thing made me feel deeply unlovable and it still does but in a different way. now i've somehow convinced myself that i'm not supposed to desire anyone like that. like it's not meant for me. it's me who can't love now. not other people.
#feeling emo#no but i'm literally the problem cause it's not like i'm trying to ''put myself out there''#but it's too scary and i don't want to and i'm not ready and there's no time and i like the routine of being alone#i've had crushes before and they were strong and lasted honestly too long for being crushes#but that's too far away from now#and i always looked at myself as the girl who won't get the boy#the crush was always unrequited#i was okay with only looking cause it's not like there's anything other than that for a girl like me#living life in a larger body is truly not a kind experience#there's so many other things that made relationship and love scary for me but being fat is the biggest reason for not even trying#and they you talk to your skinny friends and hear their experience with men and it's so awful for the most part#and then you think well if they treat them that way how would i be treated#i just don't want to be hurt#or hurt someone else#i'm used to at looking at love from a distance and i'll live anyway#some days it just harder than others#like the hard part is that i feel like im doing something wrong#like im living life wrong like i shouldn't be this uncomfortable and scared#so often it happens that i just can't relate to other people my age#like im too serious and in my head to be fun and get drunk at parties#and to serious and in my head to be in love and be loved and be seen#they all have this more casual stance on romance and they'll make out with people in the dorm bathrooms but i can't do that#and i don't want to either#i'm slow and boring and it would probably take six months to prepare myself for a kiss#it all seems so big to me#lovely feeling we're having tonight#personal
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sometimes posts about various erotic tropes dont say it outright but you just KNOWWW op was raised catholic and i simply do not vibe with it
#indexed post#We all have our experiences and so on but my god that shit bounces the fuck off me.#Ohhh the flesh ohhh the wounds. Enough. We're fucking SLABS OF CONCRETE tonight#sorry i feel like i post some variation of this every 3 months its just when skmethkng ks So Close to being very much my shit but then#its not. I get uncomfortable because we are not about me
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I was joking when I asked @cupcaketrickster CR support group when.
But uh, it's not feeling like a joke anymore. 😭
#and my roommate didnt watch tonight cuz she has to be up early#so i get to experience this again in less than 24 hours after work#and we're out of tissues#critical role#cr spoilers
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going to bed WAY too late again but i wrote a thousand words tonight so, worth it!
#i really did want to go to bed an hour ago. and i still have to shower#but i've learned from past experience that once you're in the writing groove u just have to keep going#worked on the elzar post-fallen star fic tonight and uhhhh...lads(gn)? that shit is SAD.#like EYE am crying while writing this so i am very sorry to anyone who will be reading this#and i'm not exagerrating. i'm legit crying. i *think* this may be the saddest thing i've written#like the kanan fic is also sad. but there's still that undercurrent of hope there y'know?#whereas this elzar fic is just literally all about grief#anyway........ i need to shower and go to bed lol#MAYBE. if we're lucky (if we all participate in a prayer circle) i will finish this fic this weekend 🤞#mik chats
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it took me nearly an hour to write 160ish words, this is so slow and annoying
#we're at 770 words total#so only 3000 to go 👍#I'll try to write 200ish more tonight#and then tomorrow I'll try to do around 500#and then on the weekend i can do more because i wont be as exhausted#maybe this is just my personal experience but doing an internship and writing a thesis at the same time is HARD#like from 6 to around 3 (sometimes even later) i have the internship (transportation time included) and then i have no energy#so for the next few hours i cant do anything but rot in bed#and once you start rotting it's so hard to stop so the entire day is gone and youve done nothing#so then you stay up late at night to feel like youve accomplished sth (and also rot some more) and then youre even more tired the ne#*the next day#and i know a lot of people would be able to handle it differently and better but thats not me so theres no use compering#okay back to writing#jo says stuff#university update
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another morning another free bus journey..
#feeling okay this morning.. im usually better in the mornings its just when the meds wear off that i start to lag a bit#and ruminate ahh. no point ruminating today tho cuz im not gonna be able to have the conversation i want until tmr at the earliest#was nice to call my friend yesterday tho i did complain a little but not abt anything that bad but they were still v sympathetic#which was rly nice of them 🥹#ive been having some difficult dreams these last couple days abt my mum for some reason. well i kind of know the reason why#like we're very similar ppl even if i cant talk to her abt everything in my life bc she would find it too upsetting#so i think my mind includes her in dreams bc shes like. the only person i feel true emotional solidarity with#like she experiences emotional dysregulation + rsd in the same way i do which has sucked for us both but just. we're not alone innit#anyway its ok just dreams its not real anyway#and climbing tonight YEAAAHHHH i just gotta make it thru today#itll all be okay one way or another. aight i need to clock in so i can use the work bathroom i gotta pee rl bad#.diaries#FUCKKKKK MY PERIOD JUST STARTED.....its late why does it have to come TODAY#please dont let the cramps be too bad so i can still climb later 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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#tag talk#fuck. I might just be a straight woman.#like. I like men. and the more I transition the more I vibe with binary womanhood.#sure I don't like getting shoved into restrictive femininity. but I vibe with womanhood as separate from femininity.#anyway. I might be straight. and In ten years it's very possible that being trans becomes a much less huge part of my life#because it will stop being something that I do and something that I wish for and simply something that I am#yeah yeah whatever hi my name is Reggie and I like men#I just. as much as I don't like certain restrictive gender roles I find myself slotting very comfortably into others#and I realize that my idea of gender and their roles was very much shaped by my female role models growing up#and a lot of the disconnect and distress when growing up was due to not being able to follow the path everyone else did.#all my girl friends were growing up into women and I was stuck on the man track.#and being gay was the closest I could get to being myself#but I'm closer than I've ever been before to being able to live my truth as myself#still not gonna shave my legs unless it's sometime in the future for a very specific event.#I like them fuzzy. they make me feel cool.#I like having some cultural masculinity still. I just don't want to be defined by it#talking about my binary trans experience is always a little weird because I'm aware of how binary I'm describing things#and I get that if my words were used to describe someone else's experience it might end up sounding hella transphobic#but these words are for me. they're my experience. they're my life not someone else's.#and this is how my identity works.#it's like how feminism protects the right of trad wives to be trad wives.#we just gotta recognize that just because one woman wants to be the designated dishwasher not every woman feels that way.#anyway. I might be dating a guy by this time next week. he's cool so far and we kinda got match-made by a mutual friend#we watched Redline tonight and it's hella good#he's really cool but I feel like I've got something to provide and to bring to the relationship. so we're still on peer-level I think.#which is new. usually I'm way ahead of the other person. maybe my fault for fishing in the bad fish barrel#the emotionally damaged and burdened fish barrel.
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lying in the dark listening to an amapiano mix and the rain, with the cool humid air coming in, and like. a lot of things are bad right now, but not this
#a whole lot of sadbad feelings and inchoate incoherent thoughts lately but like.#right at this very moment we're just. sticking a pin in all that and having a hilary duff - come clean.mp3 interlude#tiny little nightswimming polaroid of a time. etc etc#(how many extremely dated references can you put into one post. but shhh)#(also secretly this post is like. web weaving with the mood of a pome i wrote in high school but like. good luck describing a pome.)#(that could of course be my cue to plunge into like. aching nostalgic high school feelings bc like.#embarrassing but in many ways that WAS the last time i got emotionally supported enough to do things i care abt in any serious way#which sounds absurd i realize bc. high school. but like. my personal experience of my personal high school WAS serious and special#largely due to a small handful of extremely magical and beloved teachers who were extremely good to me#and now i'm just. molly grue voice.)#(however! i am DECLINING to go down that rabbit hole tonight. we are not doing it.#dark. rain. music. no thoughts no feelings. just being.)#(telling myself that very firmly & repeatedly until it sticks.)
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