#we're all too classy B)

[lalunanymph]

𝟏𝟏:𝟒𝟗𝐏𝐌 ─── your husband notices everything about you—even the things you don't notice about yourself

˚୨୧⋆ sylus x wife!reader

˚୨୧⋆ warnings: wife!reader, reader has just given birth a few months ago, jealous sylus!!, pregnancy, implied mentions of a fight, injuries, mentions of b/lood, explicit s/mut, implication of o/ral, teasing, petnames (wife, darling, doll, sweetie), daddy k/ink, breeding, shamelessly self-indulgent AND very selfship-coded :')

Nothing ever escapes Sylus’ attention. 

Other than cunning resourcefulness being his trademark which many associate with ravens—his favorite bird—another marker of your husband’s personality is that like a hawk, he’s acutely aware of everything.

Tonight’s date night after you’ve given birth to the twins didn’t go exactly as planned.

While Sylus was in a convenience store, buying the both of you drinks to whet off the balminess of the summer evening, you were approached by an obviously drunk man who asked if you were here alone.

After countless times of trying (and failing) to convince him that your husband wouldn’t be too happy about his unwanted advances, the man in question whose ring is around your finger appears, tall and imposing.

Safe to say, the night ended with one bloody nose, and a pair of split knuckles, the latter being the ones you were currently patching up. 

Your husband is reclining back against the plush pillows, black dress shirt unbuttoned slightly and showing off the deep divot of his pecs. His face is a mixture of emotions—anger, frustration, possessiveness, a hint of concern. All coalescing into one tense ball he keeps close to his chest as the adrenaline from the encounter with that sleazebag still hums through his veins. 

You stow your phone back into your purse, sighing.

“I've texted Sara to keep the twins for the night. I think we're both too angry and might say or do something rash.” 

His expression softens and he lets out a sigh, the anger and tension slowly starting to ebb away as he gazes at you.

“... that’s good. I wouldn’t want them to see me in this state.” 

You sigh again, picking up his bandaged hands.

“Y’know, I did tell him my husband was a big, scary man, but he still persisted in demanding a date,” you bring your husband’s knuckles to your lips, kissing the contused flesh softly. 

Sylus grunts, rolling his eyes, though his expression softens at your sweet gesture. “Some people just don’t know when to take a hint… so, I had to make a point.”

You scoff, clutching his hands tighter. “Yes. By socking him in the face. Very classy.”

Instead of appearing reticent like a sane person would, Sylus chuckles. “Didn’t see you complaining when you were cooing all over me, patching up like a good, little wife.”

His words make a flash of heat run through you, and you shoot him an exasperated glare. “Well, at least you looked sexy doing it. Punching that asshole in the face. Consider that compensation for tonight’s turn of events," politely, you add, “Thank you for defending my honor, darling.”

He lets out a low chuckle, and wraps his arms around you, pulling you onto his lap. Crimson eyes darken with a mixture of desire and affection, his thumbs rubbing circles on your hips. 

“No need to thank me, sweetie. It’s always a pleasure of mine to defend your honor. No one gets to disrespect you without facing repercussions.” 

You squirm in his lap, hitching a breath when you feel his hands play with the straps of your dress. Slowly, he drags them down, touch hot and insistent as the pads of his fingers graze your bare shoulder.

“Really, Sylus?” You try to look vexed, but the breathlessness his touch incites only fuels him to misbehave further. “Defending me has seriously gotten you all hot and bothered?” 

Your husband grins at your teasing tone, a wicked gleam in his eye as he continues to push the straps of your dress down further, baring more of your skin to his heated stare. His hands continue to explore, tracing over your exposed skin. 

“Hmm. I suppose seeing you in danger… really ignited something in me. Hearing someone insult you and disrespect what’s mine… makes me want to claim you all over again.”

Warmth fills your cheeks, and you fail to fight back a shiver. “T-that doesn’t make any sense.” 

Sylus’ fingers are now trailing your collarbone, tracing the marks he left there from the night before.

“It doesn’t need to make sense, doll. It’s something primal. Seeing you in danger like that… and the look on your face when I punched that idiot senseless… It's titillating. I just want to claim my wife, remind you and everyone else that you belong to me, body and soul and future baby.” 

Heat licks down your spine, and you shudder at his words. 

“F-future baby?” 

Sylus’ hands snake to your bare back, caressing the expanse of skin with soft, ticklish circles. Without warning, he leans in, lips hovering close to your ear, his breath hot against your skin.

"Yes, doll. Future baby. I'm going to fill you with my seed. Breed you over and over until I'm sure you're pregnant. And in a few weeks, we'll have a mini-us growing in your belly, a physical reminder of my claim on you."

His words are soft and sound almost sweet, but the filthiness in them makes you gasp, involuntarily arching your body into his. 

“Sylus…”

The idea of him claiming you again so boldly after defending you from danger turns you on like nothing in this world can. You know you have much to discuss with him about having another baby, considering you had just given birth to Sabrina and Protus a few months ago. But, in this instance, desire overtakes logic and all you want is to feel your husband deep inside you again. 

His lips are cool when they touch your jugular, trailing down the column of your neck until they reach your heaving chest. 

“Sy…” you whisper, eyes fluttering close. “Stop… teasing me.” 

You want this, he realizes with a jolt. You want this as much as he does. 

He lets out a low chuckle, hands continuing to caress every inch of your skin. 

“Oh, my pretty little doll. It’s not teasing anymore. It’s a promise.” His lips touch your ear, the heat of his breath and words snapping the last of your resolve. “And you know I never break my promises, doll.” 

A whimper slips from your parted mouth. The heat in this room is too much to bear, pressing down on you with the weight of an ocean closing in.

You can barely breathe when you exhale, “Breed me. Please… breed me.” 

Your bastard of a husband grins at your desperate plea, his hands gripping your hips tighter. It’s the predatory confidence of a man who knows he has you completely at his mercy, begging for him to claim you completely. 

“Say it again,” his fingers dance to the hair at the nape of your neck, sinking his fingers into your soft locks and using it to snap your face up to meet his darkened gaze. “Tell me you want me to breed you. Tell me you want to only belong to me.” 

The bite of pain pulls a wanton moan from your trembling lips, and you lose all bearings and composure, giving in to the desire which always leaves you wanting more of him on your knees.

“Oh god... please... breed me, Daddy. Make me yours. P-put a baby inside of me and make me a mama again…” 

Sylus’ eyes darken at your plea, the possessive need flaring in his chest. Those blood-red eyes burn with the desire of keeping and making his promise come true.

“Lay back, sweetie. Go on—there’s a good girl.” His bigger body hovers over you, pressing you into the bed. “Good girl. You're such a good girl, doll. Asking Daddy to breed you, begging to be filled with my seed, to carry my baby. You're mine. Mine to breed, mine to claim. Mine to make you a mommy again."

His words whip through you like an electric shock. You gasp, eyes fluttering and body arching further into his touch. 

“Please… yes…” 

As much as his self-control is reaching its breaking point, he needs to hear the words coming straight from your mouth; his grip on your hips tighten, eyes darkening with possessiveness. 

"You want this, doll? You want Daddy to fill you up—make sure you're pregnant with my baby?"

Your nod is equal parts desperation and desire. You lick your lips, nodding.

“Yes,” your whisper is like a bullet tearing through his chest, leaving it hot and stinging with pure need. “Yes, I want it so badly.”

Sylus groans, your words igniting the unquenchable thirst inside of him to make you his, his, his. 

Tearing the flimsy dress off your frame, he digs his fingers into your hips, mouth leaving a burning trail of kisses and bites across your neck, your jaw, your chest. 

Your hands grapple at his clothing, pulling off his expensive, tailor-made button-down and slacks, reaching into the heart of him to expose him fully to your lustful gaze. 

He sucks and licks on your nipples until they become all puffy and swollen just for him, and the second you tell him you can’t take it anymore, Sylus stakes his claim by sinking inside of you—inch by delicious inch.

Your pretty, milky pink nails stab into his shoulders, dragging down red lines across the pale expanse of his back. Your heels dig into his hips, and the way you’re desperately clinging onto him, makes him wonder if you want to fuse your body as one with his. 

“Sy… Sylus…” 

Fuck. He digs his teeth into the soft flesh of your neck, strong hips snapping forward, giving you one powerful thrust after another. Your walls suck him so perfectly, like you were made for him. 

He fills you up over and over again, until every load becomes more painful. But, you can't get enough. You keen, beg, and cry for more, milking his promise to make you a mama again for what it’s worth.

Hours seem to pass, ravaging passages of time that are marked by more cum filling you; his shuddering, animalistic groans for you take it darling, take it all, take all of me like music to your ears.

Sylus collapses on top of you, breathing hard and red in the face. His chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath, his hand coming to rest gently on your stomach, caressing the soft skin with shaky fingers.

“Mhm… you’ll be the death of me one day, you know that, sweetie?” 

Giggling, you use what remains of your strength to twine your arms around his shoulders. The both of you stay like this for a while, slowly coming down from the high.

Briefly, your hand grazes your belly, and you wonder idly if what he promises has come true—if his seed has already taken.

Sylus, ever keen and observing, chuckles. It’s like he knows exactly what you're thinking. Planting a gentle kiss on top of your head, his voice is low and tender.

“I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you, sweetie. I have a feeling you're already pregnant with my baby."

Your eyes widen, and you give him a shock look. 

Stammering, you say, “How do you know?” 

But, you should know this is Sylus you’re talking about. Mastermind of the N109 Zone. The leader of the most notorious organization alive. 

He’s always two steps ahead of you, seeing what you can’t see, anticipating what you can’t expect. 

Your husband’s palm drifts down to join yours on your stomach, his hand gently resting on yours.

“Call it a lucky guess… or, intuition. A few little signs here and there. Besides, I'm not letting you out of my sight until you confirm it."

His words make your head spin, and you give him a look of reproachful intrigue.

“A… few signs here and there? What are you talking about?” 

Sylus nods, his touch reverent and tender. 

Without caring for your astonishment, he lays down his observations like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Your scent has been different, sweeter, a little intoxicating. Your body is more sensitive, more responsive to my touch. And there's a glow about you, a soft flush on your cheeks, a sparkle in your eyes. It's subtle, but I notice when it comes to you, doll.” 

You gape at him, and without thinking, tighten your grip on your belly.

As if he has a sensor on you, Sylus immediately notices the subconscious gesture.

“Mhm... You've been doing that a lot lately, doll. Touching your belly, caressing your stomach, as if you're already feeling the baby growing inside you. It's adorable, but it's also a bit of a giveaway.”

His tone turns teasing and you flush, flustered beyond measure.

“Wh-what are you? Some kind of werewolf?” You hiss, “How're you so attentive?!”

Your husband chuckles again, amusing himself by brushing a strand of hair away from your face, his fingers gently tracing your jawline.

“It's not a matter of being a werewolf. It's just a matter of paying attention to the woman I love.” His grin turns soft, becoming tender at the edges. “I notice everything about you, doll. Every little detail, every change in your body, every little thing. I can't help it. I can't stop watching you. And you just happen to have a few tell-tale signs right now that are screaming 'pregnant'.”

Pouting, you glare at him churlishly, deciding to challenge him. But, underneath the pomp and bravado is an innate curiosity to see how far your husband’s perception can go.  

“Tell me more then, since I myself don't seem to notice anything.”  

Sylus grins at the sarcasm dripping from your tone, and decides to indulge you. 

“Hmm, you really want to know? Well, here's another one... Your taste has changed, darling. A little sweeter, a little richer. Something I can't seem to get enough of, but it also seems to have gotten stronger lately.” 

You blanch, warmth flushing your cheeks.

“You mean... whenever you eat me out... you noticed my taste? That's...” 

Your speechlessness amuses him, and he chuckles, voice growing deeper, laced with hunger and heat.

“I notice everything about you, remember? Even the smallest changes in your body,” he drawls, glancing at the spot between your thighs. “Especially when it comes to the places I spend the most time on, tasting and exploring... Every. Single. Time.”

He punctuates his words with soft kisses to your neck, flustering you even more.

All you can mutter is a cute, little, “Hmph,” scowling and fanning your cheeks. 

Sylus adores your reaction to his words, and leans in, his lips brushing against your neck, teasing your skin.

“Mhm... why are you scowling at me? Are you embarrassed? Are you... thinking about all the times I've tasted and explored you, doll? I can practically see the memories playing in your head… it's delicious.”

You squeak, slapping a palm to his mouth, feeling like your face is hot enough to explode.

“Sylus!” 

He laughs, though the sound is muffled against your palm. His hand drifts down to your belly again, the gleam in his eyes possessive this time. 

The white-haired devil pries your hand from his mouth, kissing your wrist and placing it back down onto the bed. “Oh, doll. You're just too cute when you're flustered. And it's even cuter when you try to shut me up. It just makes me want to tease you more, Y/N.” 

Emboldened and somewhat foolish, you plaster on your faux confidence, egging him on. 

“Oh, yeah? Well, I think you’re dead wrong.” 

Sylus snorts, finding your foolish certainty endearing. 

“Are you doubting my observation skills? Are you saying I haven't noticed a thing? That I'm not paying attention to the little changes in your body… that I haven't noticed how you're reacting?”

You smirk, nodding. 

“Mhm hmm. I know my body better than you, Sy. You may be my husband, but I’ve been living in this meat suit for years. And I’ll know when I’m pregnant. Besides—” you giggle, enjoying the look of faint amusement spreading across his features. “—I bet you a hundred dollars that if I take a test right now, it’ll come back negative.” 

Sylus cocks a brow, eyes glistening with the challenge. 

You continue, oblivious to his smirk. “My period is due in a week, and I don’t have morning sickness, nor do I have any cravings. Besides, weren’t you the one who said we have to plan our family smarter? Why do you want to be right so badly?” 

Your husband chuckles, enjoying your bold confidence. His grip on your hip tightens, and he kneads the flesh, shrugging. 

“You’re so endlessly fascinating, doll. Yes, I do think we should space out conception times, but I never did say I wouldn't want more babies. Especially when they are living proof of our commitment and love for each other.”

Oh. You swallow hard. When he puts it that way…

But, you’re much too thick headed to give in. 

You cup his cheek, gaze softening, though the spark of a challenge remains in your eyes. 

“Fine. We’ll see who’s right tomorrow.” 

Sylus grabs your hand, enjoying the warmth of your skin with a touch of feral amusement in his crimson eyes. “And if I’m right? What is my reward, doll?” 

Grinning, you tease, “A hundred dollars.”

Your husband tilts his head to the side, as if considering your strange wager.

“... make that a hundred kisses and a dinner, doll. I don’t want your money.” 

Scoffing, you roll your eyes. A hundred kisses and a dinner—that’s easy for you. 

“Fine. We’ll see that I’m right tomorrow, then.” 

Night fades and the next day dawns.

You wake up to an empty bed, sheets rumpled and still warm. Your eyes land upon an innocuous pregnancy kit on the side table, fresh from the store.

Sylus is nowhere to be seen, though you suspect he’s downstairs in the kitchen sipping on a cup of coffee. Not wanting to look like you were chickening out of this bet, you huff and go straight into the bathroom, putting the test to use.

You’re going to win this bet, and Sylus will have to eat his words. There is no way your husband would be correct. All he has is a hunch while you know your body inside and out. 

No singular person in the world, not even the one you share a bed with every night, can claim to predict something as mercurial and unpredictable as a pregnancy which hasn’t happened yet—unless they were a prophet or someone from the world of Dune, you think with a scoff.

The timer goes off and you grasp the test, about to smirk and prance downstairs to show Sylus how far off his observation was, when you come to a hard pause.

“...”

You blink, checking the test and rechecking it again. You look at it closer to the light, scrutinizing the stupid white stick from front to back, wondering if it’s faulty or broken.

A languid knock on the door interrupts your thoughts, and you look up to find your husband leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and an infuriating smirk on his face.

“Go ahead, doll,” he gloats, noticing your reaction, the pallor of shock written all over your face. “Read the result out loud to me.” 

You swallow hard, setting the test down in defeat.

“Impossible.”

But, knowing how competitive your husband can be, he’s not going down without a fight.

“And the result is…?” 

Tossing him a scowl, you throw your hands up in the air, caving in so he can pipe down and just kiss you already. 

“Positive,” you groan, wrapping your arms around him. Sylus responds without a shred of hesitation, grasping your smaller body and holding it tightly to his, secretly elated at this reveal. The ghost of his chuckle brushes your neck.

“Yeah, doll? Say it again. Tell me I’m right.” 

You exhale a watery giggle, tears filling your eyes. The feeling of pure love fills your chest, and you look at him like he’s hung the moon up in your sky.

You’re going to be a mommy again; Sylus has made his promise come true. 

Touching your forehead to his, you breathe in his comforting scent, feeling the softness of his sleeping robe underneath your palms on his chest.

“You’re right, darling. You’re always right,” you whisper, the love you feel for your husband overflowing from your eyes. “It’s positive.” 

Nothing ever escapes Sylus' hawk-like attention, and for that, you love him a little more than you did before.

sydawn lore: we have twins together—a baby girl and a baby boy named sabrina and protus. initially, the scans and tests only picked up sabrina and it was literally on the surgical table when the doctors made a discovery that there was another whole ass baby inside of me (they called it a shadow pregnancy when one twin completely overshadows another) so long story short, we have two babies together with a third on the way :,) ok thx for reading bye !

— reblogs and feedback are seriously appreciated !! thank you all for your support <3

© lalunanymph. do not copy elements of my selfship and reproduce it into your own bodies of work. do not translate and share across on other platforms.

[maplesyrupsainz]

˖⁺｡˚⋆˙lucky charm | LH44˖⁺｡˚⋆˙

pairing: lewis hamilton x fem y/n reader (she/her)

genre: social media au, age gap

warnings: age gap, brief mention of sex but barely

summary: in which you find love on your travels

a/n: me when i finally get a lewis request 💃💃💃

request!!!: Lewis age gap insta au with Cindy kimberly face claim please

my masterlist

fc: cindy kimberly

instagram ->

carmenmmundt 📍 rome

liked by lewishamilton, georgerussell63, and others

carmenmmundt when in rome... 🇮🇹

tagged: yourusername

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user1 so classy as always ❤️

user2 where's georgeee

user3 who's that girl she's gorgeous wtf

user4 just her friend i think

georgerussell63 woww 😍😍

carmenmmundt oh stop it you!

lilymhe miss you babes!

carmenmmundt aww same, let's plan a trip soon 🥰

lilymhe oh 1000%!!!

user5 i love wag friendships sm

lewishamilton looks like fun!

liked by carmenmmundt

user6 random

user7 perhaps…

yourusername 📍 rome

liked by lewishamilton, carmenmmundt, and others

yourusername ti amo, italia 💚🤍❤️

tagged: carmenmmundt

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yourfriend1 where to next? 😻

yourusername london! you coming?

yourfriend1 well actually........ 👀

yourusername 🎉🎉🎉🎉

user8 omgg so cute

user9 carmen is so gorg

user10 y/n ur so beautiful wowwww

liked by yourusername

carmenmmundt miss you already ❤️

yourusername take me backkk 🇮🇹

yourfriend2 as gorgeous as ever 😘

yourusername ilyyy

yoursister so jealous omg looks amazing

yourusername you should come next time!!!

yoursister oh for sure

yourmother beautiful darling ❤️

liked by yourusername

lewishamilton gorgeous pics! i love italy

yourusername one of my fav places to visit!

lewishamilton mine too!

messages ->

instagram ->

yourusername posted a story

liked by yoursister, lewishamilton, and others

yoursister miss you!!!!

yourusername miss you babes

user11 so beautiful

liked by yourusername

user12 😍😍😍

liked by yourusername

yourfriend1 see you there x

yourusername omg i cant wait

lewishamilton no way! are you free to link up?

yourusername i could probably make some time for lunch?

lewishamilton yea! if that's not too much trouble

yourusername absolutely not! you can text me xx-xxx-xxx :)

lewishamilton 👍

messages ->

twitter ->

instagram ->

lewishamilton 📍 london

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lewishamilton visiting home 🏠

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user17 omg??? soft launching already??????

user18 OMGGGG

user19 he loves her your honour

liked by carmenmmundt

user20 interesting interesting 🤨

user21 guys.....how old is she lol

user22 didnt even think about this

user23 she's in her 20s i fear

user24 …no comment

georgerussell63 whipped already

lewishamilton 🤷‍♀️ call me old fashioned

user25 yea old fashioned coz she's like 10 yrs younger than him 😂😂😂

user26 💀 violation

user27 not the classic age gap discourse abt 2 consenting adults...

liked by lewishamilton, yourusername

user28 them liking this 😂 they're already sick of it

user29 tbh she's cute as hell i love her lol

yourusername posted a story

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carmenmmundt miss you!

yourusername miss you babe

user30 oh to be friends with y/n

user31 still in london? 🤨

user32 feed us with bf lewis content 👀

lewishamilton you have other friends? 🤨

yourusername we're friends?

lewishamilton we aren't?

yourusername well i think we've got our wires crossed here… 👀

lewishamilton really? you free tonight? to uncross the wires, of course

yourusername for you? absolutely

lewishamilton pick you up at 7 x

messages ->

instagram ->

yourusername 📍 london

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yourusername pics i sent to my mother this week 🍒

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user33 oh god this is so cute

user34 is she lewis' gf?

user35 apparently

user36 the caption awww

user37 her mother? true coz she's so young 👶

user38 😂😂😂😂

user39 oh please 🙄

user40 the love note on the napkin... ur sick omg

user41 sooooooo dreamy oh my god

liked by yourusername

user42 awww y/n liked this comment 🥹

yourfriend2 been swept off your feet? 👀

yourusername ask me again in a week

yourfriend2 😂 trust me, i will

user43 OMG?

user44 how is she so gorgeous wow

user45 cant get past her being younger than me 😭

user46 some of u guys are wayyy too obsessed with her age?? it's getting weird

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user47 she liked this...

user48 yup she's sick of it too 🤷‍♀️

twitter ->

instagram ->

yourusername posted a story

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user49 CUUUUUTE

user50 ugh lewis is so doting bf

user51 he adores u girl

user52 luckiest girl on the planet

carmenmmundt & where are you now, missy?

yourusername budapest babe

carmenmmundt BUDA WHERE?

yourusername hm? 😇

carmenmmundt oh i will be seeing you this weekend

yourusername …

twitter ->

instagram ->

yourusername posted a story

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user58 oh my god 🥺

user59 WHAT THE HELL THIS IS SO CUTE

user60 we lost him folks

carmenmmundt oh i called it 😊

yourusername shoo!!!

mercedesamgf1 💙💙

liked by yourusername

user61 i love them omg

user62 the most gorgeous couple

lewishamilton 📍 budapest

liked by georgerussell63, yourusername, and others

lewishamilton back up on the podium, what a weekend!

tagged: yourusername, mercedesamgf1

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user63 AHHH he's whipped for her tbh

user64 omg two pics of her 👀

carmenmmundt lucky charm!!!!

liked by yourusername

lewishamilton seems that way yea 🩷

georgerussell63 congrats man what a race 🫶

lewishamilton 💙💙💙

user65 aww a roscoe appearance so cute

charles_leclerc congrats! sending love from leo to the both of you ;)

liked by yourusername

lewishamilton big love! ❤️

user66 soooooo cute

oscarpiastri so honoured to share the podium with you this weekend lewis!! & so great to meet y/n of course

lewishamilton pleasure was all mine! will see you up there again im sure 🔥

yourusername ❤️❤️❤️

user67 WTFFFF

user68 so cute & supportive i love this sport

yourusername so proud 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

lewishamilton my lucky charm 💙 thanks for being there

yourusername oh im so honoured just to be invited!! you were amazing out there x

lewishamilton that's all i ever want to hear from u😉

yourusername 🥹🥹🥹🥹

THE END 💙

[sinisxtea]

MOOT TAG: What genre of music does your moots remind you of ?

im honestly not a very big genre specific person, i listen to whatever slaps so i don't usually choose music based on genre lol... but these are just my thoughts!

psychedelic pop/acid pop - @ldh0000

everytime we talk i lowkey feel like we're both high as fuck and honestly psychedelic pop really fits ur vibe idk... haunting hippy??? love u, let's not get a divorce

kr&b - @aquaphoenixz

if the walk album is anything to prove lol… you definitely have a thing for r&b. (ahem seori ahem cough cough seori) but valid… i love r&b as well <33

hyperpop - @syatchy

this isn’t even a discussion lol. love u 🫶🫶

disco - @lyvhie

girl you give off such 70s vibes but with a modern edge kinda? like the whole, “stop thinking, let’s dance!” thing that bruno mars, dua lipa, lady gaga (kinda) have got going on!

indie pop - @polarisjisung

or the genre i like to call mental illness /j (for legal reasons that's a joke don't come after me) no bc you embody this feeling of nostalgia? that's kind of like peaceful and calming, but also can definitely turn up the volume if needed? i'm thinking lana del rey, mitski, tv girl, maybe some 21p in there too.

afrobeats/amapiano - @riri4andy

although the genre has recently blown up, you have to really feel the vibes in order to like this genre of music, from what i've noticed it's usually a hit or miss if someone likes this style, but the vibes i get from you really embody the soulfulness of the genre.

y2k pop - @chenlesfavorite

you might not listen to a lot of y2k pop, but the y2k vibes are really coming from you! you seem so stylish, classy and fashionable! your creative endeavors are all over the place! it very much reminds me of that period in between the 90s and the 00s, although some modern songs have that vibe (stream midas touch by kiof 🙏)

house music - @galacticnct

when i thought of music genres for u the first thing that came into my mind was "gay people getting it down in the club" which i was then like. idk what genre that is, but i think i've managed to just place it upon house music. think bibora...

alt r&b / indie rock - @spiderm444rk

honestly i couldn't decide between the two lol. i feel like you fit the alt r&b aesthetic more than the indie rock vibe, but i'm only keeping indie rock on here bc of... mark lee!

synth-pop - @yeonzzens

tbh i know we have similar music taste, so i was thinking of how i could categorize it as? synth-pop is quite broad actually, and there a lot of different sub genres under it, but i feel like it really embodies the type of music that you like.

city-pop - @lotties-readings

city-pop but purely for the vibes. <33 it's so cozy and comforting, but also feels like a blend of the past and present. both seem so nice and peaceful, that it's almost like you're perfectly content with where you are right now. (did not mean for that to get poetic um i just yapped)

kpop - @nanaxwi

SDJSKDJKS I GAVE UP i tried. i wanted to pick a unique category but honestly i can't get a vibe for what type of music you listen to. kpop is broad and embodies many different genres and music techniques and it's very experimental and open to new things, which embodies you as well!!!!

[beanghostprincess]

WOMEN MY BELOVED

Okay but Shanks being SUCH A SIMP is so hilarious and also RIPE FOR CHAOS. She needs a non-fruit user for some of it ((maybe up to and including some seastone experiments)), and Mihawk either can't or Won't ((or, and he refuses to admit it, doesn't exactly want to run the risk of hurting her or Croc if there's Residue)). Now she has the Best Little Guinea Pig Ever.

Shanks never considered himself to have a weird k!nk for unhinged scientist clown women, but hey, Buggy awakens things in him, what can he say?

Also imagine the exchanges there.

B: "so we're gonna take this bomb, and I'm gonna throw it at you. And you're gonna cut it, and see if the explosion causes any damage."

S: "I dunno, Bugs, it could be kinda dangerous-"

B: "if you do, I'll kiss you."

S: "YES MA'AM!!!!"

GODS AND YEAH THE OUTFITS

Personally, I think she'd either be fairly The Same as far as outfits go, for practicality, but she also is friends with Alvida, and she's a Flashy Princess, so OBVIOUSLY there's gonna be some SKIN. And just... imagine for a moment.

A gathering for/of pirates. No I do NOT care that it's not a Canon feasible event. Moving on.

Pirate Gathering. A Dress Code. Formal.

Clown Princess in Princess Dress.

Clown Woman In Any Dress. And HEELS. and if it gets uncomfortable, she just detaches her ankles and floats while her feet rest at their table.

Crocodile and Mihawk get to coordinate with her a lil bit, and they both get to watch her bounce around and just grin bc no matter who she charms or spends time with or Spends Time With (👀), she's still theirs. Open relationships.

Also also - consider Luffy and crew being there. Sanji is SWOONING. Nami is disgusted to be a clown fucker, but she's also Looking. There's bets being plaxed on Who Will Flirt First and one of Who Will Be Most Successful.

Luffy meanwhile is splitting his time between FOOD, FRIENDS, and AUNTIE HI HOW ARE YOU I LOVE YOUR DRESS.

She acts all annoyed and put out but she and Luffy CLICK in a way few ever have, their brands of Unhinged and Feral are complimentary.

((Extra Bonus, maybe it's a gathering for the Emperors. Shanks is there too. He is frothing at the mouth bc AAAAA LUFFY and AAAAA BUGGY and AAAAA LOOK AT THEM TOGETHER.

The only way we include Teach in this is if he's in Dirty Baby Jail, hit on Buggy and got OBLITERATED, or Buggy point blank 'seduces' him to knock him out, steal his treasure, and then locked him in a closet with seastone cuffs and a toothbrush.))

I love seeing an ask starting with "women my beloved". It makes a lesbian's day. Do not stop loving women.

This is all amazing. Thank you. Yes. Absolutely. Shanks would let Buggy do anything to him and he'd thank her and honestly? Understandable. While Mihawk and Crocodile just see their girl do her own stuff with pleased smiles on their faces. If their clown wants to torment people with her silly shenanigans and lethal inventions, who are they to intervene?

And the outfits would kind of be the same, yeah, but she'd definitely want to catch people's attention. Maybe at first she still wears the same things, but after a while of feeling comfortable in her body and with her identity? She has a closet full of clown-themed outfits. Beautiful dresses. She has everything. From classy, more sophisticated dresses to sillier outfits. Everything is provided by Crocodile because now Buggy is some kind of beautiful Barbie he dresses and watches explode things. "This Barbie is a pyromaniac clown" but like, literally.

Sanji and Nami are having a moment™. Leave them alone. It's understandable. Sanji is shameless about it, though, while Nami is questioning her entire persona (that's only like the first five seconds tho). Zoro wants to get out of there and he can't stand them (<- gay gay homosexual gay) but at least he has a chance to talk to Mihawk again so, whatever. And Luffy won't stop annoying Buggy but she secretly loves the kid a ton, and he won't stop telling her to go "boom boom" on stuff together while they catch up and that's something she can't say no to.

Shanks is going through a heart attack, by the way. I heard those AAAAAAAAAAAAs in his voice. He's SO happy to see Luffy. And SO excited to see Buggy like that. And SO thrilled to see them together getting along. He can't get rid of Mihawk and Crocodile who're staring at him menacingly (because yes, they have an open relationship with Buggy but that does not mean Shanks gets to hurt her again. So they try to be careful even when they know he's pretty much her silly toy now to try her new inventions on) but he doesn't really care about it.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Smut (7) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six

a night’s interlude (ao3) - symmetricdnp

Summary: The tour is taking its toll on Phil, and he doesn’t want to admit it.

A Nun and A Priest: You Get Me Closer to God (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: When Dan dresses up as a sexy nun for Halloween in America, he finds himself longing for a sexy priest.

Appreciation (ao3) - epsilonfive

Summary: "Shut up," Phil says, not looking away from the screen. "I have an actual week of stuff to sort through, and unless you want to take over, I'll just--" Phil stops short as he comes to a point in the footage where his ass is center view.

"Uhhh," Dan begins, wetting his lips as his cheeks heat up a little. "I can explain that, actually,"

"Mmhm,"

Beetles Bath And Beyond (ao3) - Lizzyboo

Summary: Phil just wanted a relaxing bath. Just wanted to soak in the warm water for an hour, listen to some music and read some Buffy comics. What he didn’t want, however, was to have his bath with a million beetles surrounding him from all sides, turning his relaxing time into an actual nightmare.

Lucky for him, he had a boyfriend who just knew how to make everything better.

Black Nails and Thick Thighs (ao3) - phandomsub

Summary: When Dan grows his nails out to paint them it sparks a chain-reaction of fantasies in Phil’s head.

Business and Pleasure (ao3) - Do_it_with_the_Howell_Lesters

Summary: Dan and Phil are both extremely popular porn actors. They’ve worked on almost every scene out there, but never with each other. Until now.

But Tonight, We're Something (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: In which Dan and Phil are nothing. If anything, they can’t stand each other. But they’re nothing. Even if every time they see each other, they end up having sex.

Caught (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Just because they weren’t together anymore didn’t mean that Dan couldn’t read phanfiction while he got off, right? Or at least that’s what he thought before Phil walked into the room.

Come Light Me Up (ao3) - JudeAraya

Summary: The clothes sharing, Dan being a teasing little shit, Phil might be slightly narcissistic or just horny with feelings fic you didn't know you needed.

Danisnotadom (ao3) - Sinninghowlter

Summary: Dan's not a dom. Everyone swears up and down that he is, insists he is domming his boyfriend and is too good to take it in the ass.

Phil's not a sub. Everyone thinks he is, everyone thinks his baby is in charge. What they don't know is his hardcore boyfriend is actually a princess.

fade to black (ao3) - sierraadeux

Summary: That’s the thing about Phil. He’s a tease.

or

films, flirting, and other things that start with f.

familiar faces (ao3) - watergator

Summary: there's a handsome tesco delivery man standing in phil's doorway and he can't figure out where he recognises him from. until he does

First (ao3) - iihappydaysii

Summary: Phil is a little nervous about his first time with Dan. Dan is too, but it's hard not to be nervous when they care this much.

Fuck Away The Pain (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Phil’s boyfriend cheats on him leaving him a mix of sad, angry, and a million other unidentified emotions.Luckily Dan was always there for him.

He Toss My Salad Like His Name Romaine (ao3) - Emejig16

Summary: Dan is very curious about rimjobs, but won’t tell Phil that he wants one, until Phil finally suggests that they try it out.

Her / Awakening (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: Dan feels drunk on a feeling of awakening; sexual, but also something else, something unnamed.

How To Be A Sexy Nerd (ao3) - adorkablephil (kimberly_a)

Summary: “If you want something, just do it, Phil.”

Just Say Yes (ao3) - intoapuddle, jestbee

Summary: Before Phil turned thirty, he'd thought that he'd spend his milestone birthday somewhere upscale, classy, perhaps by spending way too much money on food that wasn't nearly as nice as just ordering in pizza. But one friend in particular, had other plans.

Maybe (ao3) - dvp_95, intoapuddle

Summary: They’re only friends but when Dan wants more, Phil gives it to him.

nun as good (ao3) - calvinahobbes

Summary: It’s so stupid and silly, and it’s just them in their messy kitchen, but Phil has been on edge ever since Dan first came into the kitchen in that outfit.

oh you got me shaking (ao3) - chickenfree

Summary: Usually if the models talk to him, it’s just – them asking questions, Phil joking about how he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, even as he directs them.

They don’t try to argue with him, usually.

Pastel Shirts and Otis Redding (ao3) - Colourful Shakespeare (blue_popolo)

Summary: Dan isn’t gay, he isn’t straight either, and there’s a cute boy with glasses and a fringe coming over to talk to him. His names Phil and he smiles and laughs and is clumsy, he makes Dans insides twist and curl into butterflies. Suddenly Dan isn’t interested in the sport involved in the Sports Camp.

Post-Tour Agenda (ao3) - blissedoutphil

Summary: They had lots of important things to do after the tour. Like sleep, for one. And sex. Also five months' worth of laundry. And what better way to decide who had to do laundry other than a sexy dan vs phil!

Potroast (ao3) - dickiegreenleaf

Summary: In which Dan is very serious about his pottery studio, pinch pots are vaguely made, and Phil just wants to ogle his boyfriend.

ring my bells (ao3) - schnaf

Summary: You try to hide it

I know you do

When all you really want is me to come and get you

Safe (ao3) - TearDrop1234

Summary: Phil is in a mood and works his way through it with a naked Dan.

saturday (ao3) - werebothstubborn

Summary: the 100 percent accurate account of how phil's fwiff came to be

(i was there)

show you my appreciation (ao3) - t_hens

Summary: Dan makes a surprise purchase after he notices a certain something catches Phil's eye in the costume store

sister daniela (ao3) - idkspookystuff

Summary: the aftermath of the baking video

Something New (ao3) - benotafraidofwriting

Summary: Dan wants Phil's help when trying something new, but can Phil keep his feelings for his best friend at bay?

Sunshine (ao3) - thewakeless

Summary: Summer sex (with consequences)

The Boy And The Builder (ao3) - intoapuddle, jestbee

Summary: Dan is stuck in a house full of builders feeling sorry for himself. Until he meets Phil, that is...

The Great Unexpected Daddy Kink (ao3) - idkspookystuff

Summary: Dan, Phil’s wonderful, amazing partner of 10 years and change, sometimes suggests things he wants in jest.

or

the one with self discovery, insta comments, and three thousand words of feelings dump and smut

The Locker Room (ao3) - thewakeless

Summary: Dan and Phil meet and fuck in the University showers.

Tumblr's recommended Debauchery (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: A weekend away to explore each other.

This is all sex. Check tags, please.

Under My Skin (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: Dan gets a tattoo. He really, really enjoys the experience. A lot.

with the lights out (ao3) - irrationalqueer

Summary: Dan’s been purposely brazen and provocative since basically the beginning, comfortable in the knowledge that his body and his whispered words can make Phil hot, keep him interested. But Phil’s been kind and sweet and thoughtful and when he flirts it just feels like honesty.

[shiningdesignersreflections]

Chapter 3: Stranger's Promise

Narrated by Marina.

Narrator: I glance around Cersei's stall. On the black velvet tablecloth lies an old, frayed set of tarot cards.

Narrator: A tall girl in an elegant, classy gown and a crystal crown is sitting behind the table. She looks like a beautiful princess!

Narrator: She shuffles the cards gracefully. I'm surprised to spot some green stubble under her veil.

Narrator: Cersei's deskmate, the youth in the noble outfit, is also standing at the side.

Noble Youth: Where are you from, young lady?

Marina: The voice...

You: So that "youth" is actually a girl...

Narrator: Meanwhile, a figure clad entirely in metal scraps is attempting to get up from the couch in the back, producing a series of loud clangs.

Robot: Activating... 20%... 30%, 35%... Activation failed.

Narrator: The strange metal man gives up his attempt and sinks back into the couch.

Cersei: Hey, Robot, don't scare our sixth member away.

Marina: What a group of weirdos.

Cersei: Bingo! That's right! We're weirdos indeed. You're indeed destined to be our sixth member.

Cersei: Let me introduce you. This is our Princess. This one is Prince. The robot dude is human, but you can just call him Robot.

Marina: You can call me Marina.

Prince: A very good name. Easy to remember.

Cersei: We all live in the Dorm of the Strange. The other students all call our building a forbidden zone!

Marina: Is that something worth being proud of?

Cersei: Anyway, if you join our club, you get free access to the Dorm of the Strange. You'll be one of us!

Narrator: Her words simply put me in a bad mood once again.

Marina: But I'm not even a student in your school.

Narrator: Princess, who has been standing silently at the side, finally sighs.

Stubbled Princess: Yeah, she's right. She's a kid. Can't you tell?

Cersei: So? She can just join the club now and enter Cicia School of Design later.

Narrator: I look up in surprise to meet Cersei's genuine, intense gaze.

Marina: B-but by the time I get in... you'll all have graduated.

Cersei: Nah, I should've graduated 4 years ago, and I'm still here. Who knows when I'll graduate? We might become classmates.

Cersei: By the way, where do you live, Marina?

Marina: I live on a big, big ship! Bigger than the whole campus, actually.

Marina: We sail all day. I don't know where to, but my brother says we'll find our destination someday.

Cersei: Wow, that sounds amazing. I deserve my own ship, too.

Narrator: Princess nods elegantly, stroking the stubble on her chin.

Stubbled Princess: It'd be nice to go tanning on the deck with a glass of champagne.

Prince: So, do you know how to steer a ship, Miss Marina?

Marina: Of course! I can do anything!

Robot: A ship bigger than the whole campus... It must be powered by cutting-edge technology. Maybe tech from the Ruins.

Narrator: They all start chatting. It's like they've already accepted me and fully believe I really do live on a gigantic ship.

Narrator: I feel right at home hanging out with them. It's almost magical. How should I describe this feeling?

Choose either "It's friendship" or "It's the mutual understanding between weirdos."

If "friendship," ...

You: It's friendship! You've made some great friends.

Narrator: So, is this what having friends feels like? Now I see why people find university fun.

If "weirdos," ...

You: It's the mutual understanding between weirdos. You fit perfectly with each other.

Narrator: Who cares if others find me weird? And what makes them so "normal" anyway?

--

Marina: But... I'm the 6th member, right? Shouldn't there be one more person here in that case?

Cersei: She went out to buy something. Oh, I see her over there!

Aeon: Marina!

Narrator: Before I can see the face of the fifth member, my brother has come looking for me.

Aeon: Where have you been? I've been looking for you for a while.

Marina: Aeon! You're already done?

Aeon: Yeah, it's time to go home.

Narrator: I hurriedly say goodbye to the members of the Research of Magical Humans Club and run over to take my brother's hand.

Narrator: From a distance away, I turn back and let my gaze linger on the stall a little bit longer.

Narrator: A new, grayish figure is standing by the small table now. The silhouette reminds me a little of a mirror we have on the Ark.

Aeon: What are you looking at, Marina?

Marina: Nothing, nothing! I didn't see a thing.

Marina: Aeon, can I study here in the future? I made some new friends and promised we'll become classmates someday!

Aeon: You want to go to school? Of course, you can go.

Marina: Really? You're the best!

Aeon: But if you want to pass the exam, you'll need lessons in history, languages, math, and more. Let's start lessons once we get home!

Marina: Huh? Nooooo! I don't wanna go to university anymore!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

[sandcobangevent]

The text of the day

by hahahahaimcrazy and Ro.mie

CHAPTER 1

WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MENTIONS OF GUNS, KNIVES, BLOOD, SWEARING, ETC.

It’s a silent day today. The sun is bright over the usually dreary city of London, with kids playing in parks and dog owners walking their dogs. Picnic baskets cover almost every square inch of empty grass in the Kensington Gardens, with lovers holding hands and brothers shoving fists full of dirt down each other's shirts. It’s a peaceful day, and in most cases and places, this lovely, silent, and calm Saturday would be exactly what most people would be looking for after a long and tiring week full of rain.

Well, in most cases.

Ever since 221A and B has been occupied, all the residents of Baker Street have quickly learned that quiet days are the days to be feared most.

Quiet just means that something is just waiting to happen.

***

 "Hello, hello, hello everyone! Dr. John Watson here, as you probably guessed – since well, um, you know what my voice sounds like unless you are new, which in that case, hello I'm- well, John -I uh, yeah."

John slumps down into his seat, so much for being classy and confident he thinks as he sighs deeply, glancing at Mariana, who is watching his little breakdown with a look of amusement from the sofa.

"Fine, let's just start over- er –," he starts as he pushes himself up into a more alert position, "Welcome to the first ever Sherlock and Co. live stream!"

Much happier with himself, he continues excitedly with a smile on his face, "Today I'll be your main host! That's right, folks, me, John Watson! Hah! We should call this the John and Co. podcast! With me being the host and all! Like the Joe Rogan podcast! Wait, no- no, that's horrible. I mean- ya know- just self-titled- I mean, I guess we're self-titled too-God, ok, enough of me, here's the great Mariana -because you lot like her more than me-," he holds out the mic towards her.

"Hello, Sherlock and Co listeners! Mariana here!" she chimes in, leaning in closer to the mic.

Smiling, John looks back at his phone where the live chat is now spamming very fast as he continues talking.

------------------------------------------------

The Live Chat

ro.mie: Mariana!!!!!!

SherlocksScarf: The Queen is here!

JonksCoffeeCup: /surprised_pickachu/ /surprised_pickachu//surprised_pickachu/

------------------------------------------------

"And along with the great Mariana, we also have the man himself. You know him, you love him! Well, I hope, um, his name is literally in our podcast name - title thing? He's- well- he's the main point, well, I guess the main point is the cases he solves, but ya know, he's well, he's like the James bond of our podcast- or- or something… well anyway- Welcome, Sherlock Holmes!"

John looks over expectantly at Sherlock, who, to his utter disappointment, hasn't seemed to notice that John has even said anything. He is solely focused on his phone, his fingers fluttering over the screen at a speed that John could never match.

John looks back at Mariana, who's looking back at him with an equally confused look. Awkwardly, John clears his throat in an attempt to catch Sherlock's attention and starts again, "Introducing, the great Sherlock Holmes-"

No response.

"Sherlock Homes -," John tries a bit louder this time.

No response.

"Sherlock Holmes the extraordinary?" Mariana tries hesitantly.

At this point, the chat is very confused as they start to worry about Sherlock's inactivity:

------------------------------------------------

The Live Chat 

SherlocksScarf: OH NO, DID HE DIE????1?!?? :o

Ro_mie: Is Sherlock ok????

Ear_eaters: Sherlocks being antisocial again #relatable

Star_light343: Balls.

------------------------------------------------

"Hold on, I've got this” John takes a deep breath as he gets up out of his seat, placing the mic on the coffee table. “In going in," John says with a slightly worried look on his face as he moves closer to Sherlock’s seat, he turns to look at Mariana, “If I don’t come out of this alive Mariana, um, I want you to know that-” John says with a stoic look on his face, “I haven’t paid the water bill yet”

Mariana nods once in response as John steels himself like a soldier going into battle. He stands mere inches away from Sherlock's ear and utters three simple words.

"Willy Sherly Homes "

Immediately after doing so, John throws his hands up to his ears in a feeble attempt to defend them from the berating that was sure to come after. Mariana positions herself on the couch seat farthest away from Sherlock.

Nothing.

They both look over at Sherlock in disbelief as Sherlock remains completely still in his seat. His knees pulled up to his chin, his phone obscuring most of his face as he taps away at his phone, giving him the appearance of a small child. The only indication that he isn't paralyzed is the constant muttering that he does under his breath, the only audible words being "incompetent" and "childish", which to their utter surprise, didn’t seem to be directed towards them.

"Bloody hell- he's really gone," John exclaims in disbelief just as Mariana says, "I really thought that would work, he HATES nicknames!” 

Properly concerned for his best friend now John waves his hand in front of Sherlock’s face which manages to snap him out of whatever trance he had fallen into.

Looking up, blue eyes meet brown as he stares at John with an intensity of a thousand suns, (or maybe more accurately like that one kid from Walmart that stares into your soul while you buy canned tomato sauce).

“Ah, greetings John, ready to start the live stream are you”, as he sets his feet back onto the floor.

“We started like 5 minutes-” 

“Unfortunately, I will not be able to take part in this endeavor of yours”, Sherlock says, cutting John off, as he moves past John to grab his ear defenders from the coffee table.

“Sher- Sherlock where are you going, come mate this was your idea-”, John grumbles, starting at the back of Sherlock’s head with furrowed brows as the lanky man makes his way to his room.

Ignoring John once more Sherlock continues, his excitement evident on his face, “I have found something that will prove to be of immense benefit to my studies if I manage to pull this off right-”

Mariana, who had moved to stand beside John asks confused, “Sherlock, what are you talking about-”

“It’s going to be a bit of a hassle to get but it will all be worth it if I play my cards right, no one will have to get hurt”

“Get hurt- what - Mate you’re acting like you’re going to rob a bloody bank – or like steal so type of top secret nuclear bloody codes or something, is everything alright-” John stutters as the chat goes feral.

------------------------------------------------

The Live Chat 

Helpmeplease: BAHAH Wat????? Wat did I just join to??

Ineedsleep: The next episode is going to be named The Case of the Nuclear Codes

Star_light343: hjhjdfjhfjhksdfjhkjshjhsdfjhsfjkhfkjfdsjkjkkjfsd

Pleaseimwritingthisat2am: This is 1000% better than any intro Jonk could have given us

Imcryingrn: Next up on S and Co, the time my bbf tried to murder someone for knowledge 

------------------------------------------------

“No time John-, please continue the live broadcast without me, this is exactly the type of thing I’ve been looking for.”, and with that, Sherlock promptly slams the door in both of their faces and disappears into his room.

John groans inwardly, “Sherlock, come mate you were so excited for this and now you're just throwing it all away just for something that brings you momentary joy? I mean come on mate it’s - ooh, video dono by Ro_mie! Ha- look at that -that dog looks just like Archie- ha aw look at its little tail aw- , thank you so much Ro_mie for the 25 tier ones and the wonderful, wonderful video.” 

“What do you think he’s up to”, Mariana inquiries with her hands on her hips, looking at John quizzically, “do you think it’s something we should worry about, or it’s just a Sherlock thing?” 

John sighs deeply before answering as he walks back towards the sitting area,” It’s Just Sherlock being – well- Sherlock. Come on Mariana, let’s start the stream without him, we can do the Q and A that has to do with us first and then do the rest with Sherlock if he decides to grace us with his majestic presence” 

“Alrighty”, Mariana says, shrugging her shoulders and making her way back to her old spot before stopping to look at John. “Oh! How about I get my old camera from my flat! I had to buy it so that I could take photos of potential properties and things when I worked at Hudson’s, it’s not the best, but maybe it can connect to your phone or something?” 

“Ooh, I like where this is going, how about this, il go get find cable and you go find your camera and we’ll meet here at uhh 1:46? - like 5 minutes later?” 

“Sounds good to me! Be right back!”, and with that- John returned to his room while Mariana tried to jog her memory of where she kept her blasted camera. 

About 15 minutes full of memories and among us style wire detangling later 

“Ah -ha”, John shouts triumphantly, “there you are you little rascal, thought you could escape the old Watson aye? Think again mate, John Watson- man of steel, graced with many – uh undisclosed and super amazing- talents! Nothing can escape the Watson’ eye, not even the tiniest ant, or the shortest cable, not even-”

“John - where is Sherlock?” 

“What”

“He’s not in his room” 

“Oh balls.”

CHAPTER 2

AN: This next part was writing along with my wonderful partner Ro.mie :D

***

“Not in his room? What do you mean not in his room?” John asks, his brows slightly furrowed. He was getting just a tad bit annoyed with Sherlock’s behavior. He had agreed to this Q and A for Christ’s sake! 

“Well, I mean- he isn’t responding. I called out to him, and I knocked on his door… but no response. I know he likes to wear those erm… ear defenses?” (Defenders, John noted) “So I tried to send him a WhatsApp message- but he isn’t responding. They’re showing up as sent, but not read.” Mariana says, her voice on the fence between concerned and confused. 

She looks down and checks her phone again, trying to check if possibly in the time it took to tell John this, Sherlock might have responded with a message. But- nothing. “I think- maybe you can talk to him? He listens to you, John. Perhaps you can help get him out of this… mood of his.” 

John nods, running his thumb across his microphone. A nervous habit, he realizes. Which really was a pain in the ass to edit out. He would have to try to keep from doing that. “Yeah- yeah, I’ll see what I can do.” John nods again and takes a few tentative steps to Sherlock’s closed door. 

He places a few knocks on the door. 

“Hey, Sherlock, mate, it’s me… John. You probably knew that. Erm- yeah! Mind opening up this door?” 

Silence. 

He knocks again, a bit firmer. Just in case Sherlock didn’t hear the first time. “Hey, Sherlock. Just checking in. Can I come in? Are you having one of those uhm… what did you call it- dissociative episodes? We’ve got the Q n’ A- so not to rush, but uhh… yeah!” 

Still, silence. 

By now John starts to get worried. The doctor in him starts to speak up. Or was it the soldier? Or maybe it was just John. But something told him ‘if he’s not responding, he might be in trouble. If he is in trouble- I have to help’. So, with a quick verbal warning: “Sherlock! I’m going to come in!” He prepared to open the door by force. 

He was met with quite a bit of shock when he found the door was unlocked. It simply swung open, leaving him stumbling to regain his balance, tumbling into Sherlock’s unseemly messy room. 

John pauses for a moment- simply staring at the room. It looked as if a storm passed through- which, knowing Sherlock, it might as well have been. “God it looks like he turned this place inside out!” John says. But quickly- his mood shifted when he realized Mariana was right. Sherlock wasn’t in his room. 

‘So where could he be?’ John begins to worry, he walks swiftly further into Sherlock's room, lifting clothes, papers, and books as he does so, looking for something, anything, that could clue him in on what the hell is going on. 

Sherlock wouldn’t just leave without some sort of notice- he would leave some sort of note, right? So, John looked. He swept aside heaps of hoodies and piles of papers. He made it to Sherlock’s bed and started patting down the bedsheets as if he were a cop patting someone down. 

That’s when he notices something right up by Sherlock’s pillow. Now John was completely consumed by worry, Sherlock might not have gone out leisurely- or even by pure will, because what he saw was Sherlock’s phone- with all of the unseen messages still on the screen.

He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself. He picked up the phone and read the first text out loud.

“If you want to see him, John”, he intakes a breath at the mention of his name, “You’ll have to find us first”.

John’s grip on the phone slackens as the reality of the situation hits him with a force of a thousand bricks, Mariana audibly gasps as she grabs the phone to read the text for herself.

“Oh f#4K, oh shit oh bloody balls and mollusks. Mariana, he’s been bloody kidnapped! Sherlock’s been kidnapped, we – we need to find him Mariana, oh – oh shiiittt” John says as he rips through his hair with both of his hands, pacing the short length of Sherlock’s bed.

Mariana, who is now griping the phone with white knuckles, manages to keep an even voice as she asks (mostly to herself), “How did they know? How in the world could they have known that you would pick up the phone”

John immediately stills as the same realization dawns on him, “Do you think we’re being watched ?” 

Mariana shudders at the thought, “God I hope not, though I doubt there’s a camera in my room, I just tore down every single item from my shelves.”

Both John and Mariana look suspiciously around the room as they try to think of what to do next. Both of them realize that usually, Sherlock was the one saving the kidnapped, not the one being kidnapped.

John moves towards the window and draws the curtains. “In case they were looking through the window” he murmurs, still holding on to the curtains as he sighs, the weight of the situation putting a toll on his body as he feels more tired than ever.

They stand there in silence until Mariana’s finally breaks it.

“John”, Mariana says, her voice stronger than it was before. Her gaze was fixed solely on the phone in her hand.

But John doesn’t answer as his mind races, thinking of all too many things at once. 

Is this why Sherlock was acting so strange today? Is this the reason he ditched his own brilliant idea? 

“John-”, Mariana tries again, finally ripping her eyes away from the screen to look up at John.

But again John didn’t seem to hear her. His head was pounding now was his heartbeat sped up. 

Did he know this was going to happen? Who sent the text? Why send it to Sherlock’s phone? Why hadn’t he noticed that something was wrong, they lived together for Christ’s sake. 

“JOHN” Mariana shouts, which this time manages to pull John out of his spiral of thoughts, he hastily rubs his eyes to make sure that his current mental state isn’t too obvious and turns to look at Mariana.

She holds up the phone and points to the screen. “There’s one more message, from that unknown number ”

They both look at Sherlock’s lock screen, the plain background contrasting greatly with the bright green pop-ups. Below the text they had already read there was now another notification, it was an attachment, an image sent by the mysterious texter. 

#One image attached. Click to view#

“Then what are we waiting for, let’s look at the bloody image- ”John practically yells, grabbing the phone along with Mariana and pressing the notification with more vigor than required. 

His face falls as he realizes the problem, he groans in disappointment.

“We need a password.”

 He lets go of the phone and stumbles backward onto Sherlock’s bed.

They both stay unmoving in silence as John rubs a hand across his face while Mariana stares at the lock screen keypad.

Suddenly, Mariana’s head snaps up as she looks franticly around the room

“John-”

“Hm”

“You were the one who went to Apple to set up the phone right- last week?”

John groans inwardly as the memory of that awful day resurfaced, “Mariana- please- I really don’t want to be mocked right no-”

The live chat 

----------------------------------

letuseatcake: What happened at the Apple store????

Ra_ra_rasspuntin: Y'all I think they forgot about us

Azi_Fell_and_Crowley: So, we aren’t going to call the police?

Quackson: SHOULD WE CALL THE POLICE????!??!

----------------------------------

“Do you think Sherlock would even have changed it from the default password?”

John looked up at Mariana with an incredulous look on his face, his mouth wide open as he tried to come to Sherlock’s defense but was quickly cut off by Mariana.

“You guys were out all week for the Sliver blaze case-, do you think he had the time?”

John jumps up from the bed wide-eyed, “You’re right!” he says as he grabs the phone out of Mariana’s hand, franticly typing in the 6-digit code he was forced to remember. 

Immediately they are given access to Sherlock’s phone and the WhatsApp Chat opens up instantly, blinding them as its bright white light rips through the darkness that had swallowed the room.

The chat only contained the most recent messages, all the old ones seemed to have been wiped by either Sherlock or the other texter.

Both of them wait anxiously as they click the download arrow on the image

Almost.

Almost.

Both of them lean closer as the image finally pops up, John squints at the screen.

“What the hell is that-”

CHAPTER 3

The photo they saw was a mess, it seemed to be a collection of pictures, almost like a digital scrapbook page except instead of having pictures of pretty sunsets, it consisted only of pictures of benches and gateways.

There were at least 10 different images in total, some very clear while others not so much. Most were taken during the day, others during the afternoon, none of them past 6 pm.

“Ok ok”, Mariana says, stepping away from the phone, “we should call the police, I mean we should have done that like a half hour ago but it’s still not too late-”

John shakes his head dejectedly, “They won’t do anything, trust me I've watched enough mystery unsolved on YouTube to know- you have to be gone for at least 24 hours before you can be considered missing”

“But we have a literal threat as evidence, surely they’ll do something-” Mariana says, her eyes wide.

John rubs his thumb over his mic again before catching himself in the act, “But what if they take away the phone for evidence or something and tell us to wait? Mind you Sherlock isn’t exactly Scotland Yard’s favorite pick of the litter! Everyone but Greg seems to hate him-.”

John shakes his head again, “We can’t lose this phone, what are we supposed to do if we do? They’ll just tell us to enjoy the great weather and force us to sit in the park and fiddle our thumbs-.” 

Mariana stays quiet.

At this point, John is pacing back and forth across the room as he continues his rant, his hands a blur of motion, “Meanwhile, Sherlock’s gonna be out there -with -with people doing god knows what to him! I’m not going to let them tell me to just sit down and- and-”

Suddenly Mariana grabs John's shoulders, shaking him slightly, “John! Say what you just said again!”

Caught off guard, Johns stops speaking completely before stuttering out a meek sentence, “Uh- what I just said?, uhh – I’m not going to just sit there and let them tell me-”

Mariana lets go of John’s shoulders and grabs the phone out of John’s hand “No not that, before that, you said something about the park right”, she clicks on the image and zooms into one of the clearer images holding it up to John. 

It was a picture of a fountain, the water murky green and the stone quite cracked, in the background was a distant bench as well as what seemed to be a wedding altar. 

“Seem familiar?”, Mariana inquires

John stills completely as he grabs the phone as well. “That’s- that’s our park, that’s where we solved the case of The Noble Bachelor, the fountain and the wedding altar- Oh that’s our bench!”

Mariana nods as the pieces slowly slot themselves into her mind, she runs over to Sherlock’s nightstand where she had previously seen John throw a map of London around during his frantic search. 

“Now look at the other photos, specifically the bottom left ”, she instructs John as she grabs a nearby pen and marks the location of the park using a bright red pen.

John directs his gaze to the bottom left corner of the image where he notices another familiar landmark: “The park down the main street, its- well it’s- where I get our Chinese from, OH and the picture next to is the cemetery near uhh whatchamacallit-”

“Saint Barts- I know”, Mariana says drawing yet another red circle on the map, “I saw the address for the parks on the pamphlets you brought back, now look.”

She holds up her map and John gasps as he realizes what she trying to say.

“It’s creating a circle! Haha! That’s brilliant, you’re brilliant, Christ! Maybe you should be our new Sherlock, we- ha- we could name the podcast Mariana and Co, OR- or-”

“John! Focus- we need to figure out where these other parks are so that we can get the right location, pull out your uh google maps.” She takes the phone out of John’s hand and pushes Sherlock’s blanket off the bed to create space on the bed. “I think I know some more of these from my time working at Hudson’s but you are going to have to google the rest-”

“On it, Oh – OH and I just had a great idea, maybe chat can help us you know find the ones we don’t know. Ha, we would kind be like Dora the Explorer you know, like I’d be like, Can you see where the park is, where is the park, Ha!”

The live chat 

An: Not me watching a totally mature and complex show while writing this 

----------------------------------

appletiny: What happened at the Apple store????

rainbowcrash: Y'all I think they forgot about us

flutterguy: So, we aren’t going to call the police?

hairity: DID HE JUST MAKE A DORA REFERENCE WHEN SHERLOCK COULD QUITE LITERALY BE DEAD?

----------------------------------

About 5 minutes full of shouting, cheering, and geo-guesser references later.

“Ah Ha- WE GOT IT, that’s the last one!”, John exclaims, jumping up in triumph. He grabs the map and holds it up so that Mariana can see it more clearly.

Mariana walks over to John, since John is shorter than her, she couches down ever so slightly so that she can see the bottom of the map. 

“If we look at the shape it’s making, the only park left that isn’t part of the pattern in that area is-”, she makes a dot at a small jumble of letters on the map. “the uh Ri- Ritz Park? Ritz park. Yes, that’s it!”.

“Then what are we waiting for off to Ritz Park we go!” John says, jumping up with a stoic look on his face as he remembers what lies at stake if they aren’t successful.

Mariana stands up to follow him but stops before she leaves the room completely, “John wait, look, the park is surrounded by the woods, Sherlock could be anywhere-”

John turns around and looks at Mariana right in the eyes. “We have to go, Mariana, we’ve already wasted so much time, we have to find Sherlock as soon as possible”

Mariana nods understandingly and both of them make their way out to the street. They make sure to grab the phone and map along with one of Mariana’s best Kitchen knife and John’s old Gun, just in case.

The cab ride to the park hardly takes 10 minutes but it feels like hours to both John and Mariana as they both sit in anxious silence.

Eventually, John breaks the silence. 

“Mariana”

“Hm, yes John ”

“He is going to be ok, right? Sherlock I mean-”

John looks at Mariana but then looks away immediately when he sees the look of pity and concern on her face, he decides to stare out the window as he waits for her response.

“Of course, he’ll be alright, he’s Sherlock – er bloody Homes wait no that sound so SO wrong- ha”

The usage of British slang manages to pull John out of the dumps for a bit. He starts laughing slightly, his eyes still fixed on the passing world.

Happy that her plan worked, Mariana’s shoulders feel lighter as she joins him, “God never mind, forget I ever said the word bloody, remind me to never say that again.”

The rest of the ride passes in silence as they both watch the world pass by.

CHAPTER 4

The park was unusually empty, despite the great weather. The whole park seemed to have been abandoned centuries ago. A swing hung on a lone chain as it swayed slowly in the wind, the slide was caked in mud and fallen leaves, the monkey bars covered in rust. It was as if the sun had decided to not bless this one park with its grace as puddles still filled the holes in the gassy floor. Little muddy footsteps still littered the concrete though only rarely accompanied by a larger footprint. 

Putting his hands on his hips, John stands with determination and hope,  “Alright - Let’s start looking around, Sherlock has to have left some sort of clue-”

“But what are we even looking for? I doubt anyone’s even been here. ”

“Elementary Mariana- we can use the most basic detective skill in the book! Looking for footprints, as Sherlock would have said, the game is a foot! Ha get it- a foot like because it’s afoot but since we are looking for footprints it’s – ha – it’s like a foot like one feet. Is that right? One feet can I say that- that sounds so wrong heh- you – you know what let’s just eh let’s just start looking-”

Mariana nods slowly as she makes her way to the bench on the side, “Oook how about you look at footprints while I look for literally anything else, so we can cover the ground and the not ground- that way if there’s another puzzle or something, we won’t miss it. ”

They both nod and go off in opposite directions, John keeps his head down most of the time, his ruffled and unkept hair giving him the very vague appearance of a sniffer dog.

Just as John had thought he had picked up a potential trail he hears Mariana’s worried voice call out for him.

“John- come over here, right now”

John runs over to her, standing next to her. “What, what’s wrong?”. Mariana’s head is turned away from him starting directly in front of her. She gulps and slowly points her finger to match her gaze, “Look”.

John turns his head to match her finger and gasps as he sees what caused her so much distress

There was a splotch of dull red dripping down the side of a tree, underneath which lay some sort of glass item that was also covered in the fluid. Next to the glass lay an item so unmistakable that it made all the warmth and hope that once consumed him vanish. His stomach churned as he noticed the unmistakable ear defenders, lying at the base of the tree, the SH intitals covered in the same sickening color.

It wasn’t like John hadn't seen blood before, in fact, he had seen much much worse, yet somehow knowing that the blood came from someone he loved hurt more than anything he had experienced in his life. 

John breaks into a sprint toward the tree, mouth still slightly open as he notices just how much blood coated the base of the tree. The glass item and the coat were covered in dirt – making it look like a pitiful attempt to hide the evidence of the crime, about a thousand ants crawled near the (supposedly) sweet substance. “Sherlock-”, he whispers.

“John! Over here! There’s a trail of blood up ahead-!”

John doesn’t know when Mariana moved away from her spot when he was glad for the interruption. He runs behind Mariana, looking down most of the time to ensure that he doesn’t miss any of the little red drops that litter the leaf-colored ground. 

After a few minutes of running, he hears Mariana call out to him, to which he finally snaps his head up. He sees Mariana quickly point ahead of herself and he turns his head fully to match her gaze. They both slow down and eventually stop a few feet away from the thing in front of them, their hearts beating unbearably fast, whether it was because of the running or the events that just took place they didn’t know. 

The live chat 

----------------------------------

Notmewritingthislastmin: Oh the ear r#pe, pls John spare us. Also, sherlock better alive.

Cerealkiller: This is a really elaborate staged plot – Jesus.

Gayhobo1223: It’s terrifying to me that Sherlock could be dead, why am I still here????

Imrunnignoutofnameideas: Did someone just say this was a staged event- GUYS I DON’T THINK JONK IS THAT GOOD AT WRITING OR ACTING!!!1!111 THEY NEED HELP

----------------------------------

“John, eugh, John it’s some – some sort of uh hu house? Hut thing- Wohoo I need to rest for a little bit”, Mariana spits out between quick breaths. “God I don’t think I've ever run that fast in my life, Wooo”.She straightens her back and tries to look as normal as possible (though her breath is still unnaturally fast). “We should be careful before we go in, there could be-”

But she isn’t able to finish her sentence as she is cut off by a large yell from inside.

“LET GO OF ME- I AM NOT GOING TO BE GIVING YOU WHAT YOU WANT-”

John recognizes the voice immediately, he pulls his gun out of his pocket and runs in, completely ignoring Mariana’s warning. He reaches the door and kicks it down, though he is surprised as the door swings open with ease and instead ends up smacking him in the face.

“AW F@#4-  SHERLOCK! DON’T WORRY I’VE GOT YO-”

John freezes as he takes in the sight in front of him.

Sherlock stands in front of him, wearing the same blue pj’s that he was not hours ago. One foot was propped up against what seemed to be a MacDonald’s bench (without the clown thankfully). Both his hands were grasped around a glass ant farm, the little critters still moving and digging on the inside. His shirt was covered in splotches of red and black though now it was evident that it wasn’t coming from him after seeing his companions. 

The boy on the other side of the ant farm must have been only 11-12 years. He was wearing a ‘Why have girls when you can have Nethrite Armor’ shirt, his hair was in the classic 12 year old bowl cut. Over his shoulder hung a paint gun, some of the pain had started to leak out onto his shirt and the floor. 

“Who the hell are you, this is a Nether boys area only”, the short boy starts- before his eyes turn wide as saucers, “is that a gun? “He puts up his hands, effectively letting go of the ant farm which Sherlock immediately clutches to his chest. Behind the boy, two other smaller boys follow their friend’s lead, one of them even sliding his paint gun across the floor in a sign of surrender. The apparent leader speaks up with his voice noticeably shaking, “D-Dude you can have the rabbit I swear, just don’t -don’t shoot us please.” 

John slowly drops his arms from his sides, “Sherlock- What- What the hell- “, behind him, Mariana notices the severe lack of fighting and joins the crowd forming in the hut. John, is everything alright? Did you find- Sher-lock OH MY GOD YOU’RE OK-“, Mariana runs across to Sherlock, engulfing him in a choking hug. 

John glares at Sherlock with an ‘I’m glad you’re not dead, but not I'm going to kill you’ look in his eyes.

John takes a step closer to Sherlock, his voice brimming with anger, “Do you KNOW how BLOODY long we’ve been looking for YOU”. 

He takes another step closer to Sherlock, who surprisingly does not take a step back.

“We have been worried SICK ALL DAY.”

Another step closer, yet Sherlock doesn’t seem to be afraid of the very angry small human being inching towards him and Mariana (who stepped away to stand next to the Baffled boys).

“HERE WE WERE THINK YOU WERE IN TROUBLE BUT REALLY YOU’RE HERE DOING – WHATEVERITISYOUWHEREDOING!”

At this point, John is right up in Sherlock’s face, his breath heavy as his body shakes in anger.

John clenches his teeth as he pokes Sherlock hard in the ribs. “You didn’t even leave a note.”

At this Sherlock finally moves, his brows furrow as he scans John’s face in his very Sherlock-ish way.

“I did leave a note.”

“I DON’T NEED YOU’RE- wait. What-”

“I left a note, in fact, I even called you multiple times”

John blinks twice as Sherlock’s words register in his head. He laughs bitterly, “Likely story Sherlock, but I've got your phone right- hold on- give me a sec”, he puts his hands in his pockets and fishes out the new-ish Apple phone, “Here-”

Sherlock, once again remains a blank slate as he cocks his head to the side and swiftly pulls out another phone from his pocket. “Actually, I've got my phone right here”. 

“That-”, he says pointing to the phone in John’s hand, “Is my burner phone. After you got me the new one, I couldn’t adjust to the change in all of the positions of my apps, not to mention the awful pre-set settings. So I decided against my original idea and declared my old phone as my new phone, and my new phone as my burner phone.”

He moves closer to John to which John moves back.

“If you were to check your phone, you would notice 18 messages, 7 missed calls, 27 WhatsApp messages, and, although I'm not happy about it, one Facetime call. The same would go to you, Miss Hudson.” He takes another step closer to John, to which John moves back yet again.

“On top of that, I did leave a note on the coffee table, next to the book The World’s Greatest Trainways and Railways.”

John pats his pockets and feels his face grow warm as he realizes he in fact does not have his phone with him, Mariana comes to the same realization as well.

“I left my phone in my room”, John starts slowly, “and put it on bloody silent so that the stream wouldn’t hear my ringtone.”

“And I left mine when I went to find my laptop for the map-”, Mariana groans, dragging a hand across her face.

Desperate to prove his actions worthwhile and reasonable, John tries to reason with Sherlock. “But- but what about the ear defenders and- and -AND THE MESSAGE!, We FOUND a message on your phone, or burner phone, or WHATEVER- it knew MY NAME, it said we need to find them – whoever the hell that is, if we wanted to see you again!”

The small boy’s brows furrow as his arms finally falter and fall to his sides, “Wait, your name is John?”, he says pointing to John, “I thought his name was John? An- also that text was referring to Bluebell, show him Kyle.”

A skinny little boy resultantly puts his hands down and holds up a cage that was sitting bellow what seemed to be a stolen subway bench. Inside the cage sat a little blue rabbit.. who seemed to be glowing in the dim light of the room.

John tills his head to the side while looking at the boy before turning to look at Sherlock for an explanation.

Sherlock sighs as he begins to explain- “It was a chemicals test subject used by a local makeup brand during their awful animal testing regime, this one turned luminescent due to the foxfire mixture it was fed. I attempted to make a trade with the youngsters but they attacked me with their paintball guns and well I'm sure you saw what happened to my second ant farm, AND my ear defenders. Honestly its quite interesting indeed, perhaps it was due to the reaction between the H2O content in its stomach which caused the-”

John clears his throat and gives Sherlock a look.

“Oh, also, I decided to use your name instead of mine in case this was a trap for me. Most people don’t know of your existence.” 

“Aw – thanks a lot mate- love the love and affection I'm feeling-”

Sherlock stares at John right in the eyes (or maybe it was more above his eyebrows since John isn’t sure Sherlock can even look anyone in the eyes). “John- I am grateful that you care so much about me, and even though you’re and Miss Hudson’s actions may be….not the wisest”, he sighs deeply, “ I am deeply touched by them. Would you erm- like a hug-? Or maybe perhaps a high five.”

All of them stand in silence for a few seconds, with the boys planning their escape and Mariana wishing she was back at Hudson’s (though she knew she would be nothing without her trash boys).

Eventually, though, John gives in and leans into Sherlock for emotional and physical support. What was he going to do with this ridiculous man? 

“Come on Sherlock lets go home.”

EPILOGUE

A few hours later (they ended the stream don’t worry) WARNING: BAD WRITING 

“What are you going to name him”, Mariana asks.

“First of all, it’s a she. Second of all, I’m not going to name her Miss Hudson.” Sherlock replies.

“Are you both still staring at Bluebell? I’ve been gone for 30 minutes.” They hear John say as he makes his way into the house, placing the grocery bags down.

“I am not starting - I’m observing.” Sherlock retaliates 

“He was staring”

John walks over to the both of them and sits down on his chair. “By the way Sherlock, how did you find those kids? We got the message like 5 minutes after you left-”

“I just asked. Then they remembered their project and deleted the chat. I’d already left by then.”

“Oh.”

[macaroni-rascal]

Okay, my chirpetry of the skating and the costuming thereof will be all over the place today because I'm watching shit out of order, or I should say, I'm prioritizing events based on my level of giving a fuck. We're starting with the pairs, it seems like.

French kids #1: His outfit I'm not even gonna bother with, but her dress has been filling me with rage ever since I first saw it, especially since this isn't the Corpse Bride program. I'm calling it Dresse Macabre. Whose idea was it to a) make her look naked and b) embellish the dress with... ribs? Especially since - didn't this boy's previous partner retire because of an ED? I'm questioning the decision making all around, particularly hiring Gui as choreographer, since he's done some real stinker pair programs that never came together technically for the team. He should stick to ice dance.

French kids #2: Bruno is such a dish and I so want him to succeed, but this team has a bit less potential than the previous one, and he'll need to do some serious work to get them where they need to be. That twist looked like it could be a quad some day. His styling was so Morganesque that it gave me a bit of an ick, and her dress was so cute... from the bust down. Mismatched mesh is usually a supply chain issue, but the sleeves are a choice and such an unnecessary one at that. Mark here with a masterclass in classy commentary - yes, they do need to spend time with a ballet instructor, you're so right, Mark.

Anna and Poje Manuel: The costumes were a bit predictable but at least they fit the music. By Italian pair team standards, they're best-dressed, honestly. There's a Duhamelness to her, and I don't mean it in a bad way - she's really working out there on the ice. So nice to see someone point their toes in a lift, it's a lost art! The way the bottom of his vest was flapping around and cutting him in half was a bit distracting, but what I love is how we're seeing the Italian pair field build up because they've reached critical coaching mass. I loved their step sequence in particular. Ondrej is doing some great work, they have potential.

Danny and child: An East of Eden program in 2023 - that's what we're being subjected to. Fine, whatever. I thought it was going to be Riverdance, judging by the costumes. Do you understand my disdain for boatnecks on men in this sport now? Look at that thing puffy thing flopping around. From afar, it all looks so Christmas-y. Her hair and accessories are cute and the dress is fine, but uninspired and underwhelming, and again with those skating dress pentagrams. I don't understand why this pairing happened, particularly because there have been partnerless pair boys her own age in the U.S. recently that she'd at least have a future with. They have some nice movement quality but they've been overhyped and overscored.

Tria: They did so well! But there are more important things than being clean, and I fear they haven't gotten that memo yet. My concern is that this is their ceiling ☹️. The lack of transitions and his inability to perform some of the turns is going to hold them back, especially going up against gritty teams like Deanna and Max. Their programs are fine but too similar to what they did last year, and they needed something extraordinary this year to make them stand out and move up. They needed to go to a superstar choreographer like a Lori or a David to get whatever political boost they could get, they might not get another opportunity of an open field like this again. Alison seems lovely, but she's a base value coach and all her teams have the same issues and the same limitations. They need a harder throw if they're going to be a factor. The costumes I kinda hate and I know I'm being harsh, but the dress is too similar to one Ev wore ~4 years ago and I'm assuming it's the same designer because the girls always have a wedgie problem and the guy's costume is always perfunctory. It's frustrating because I feel like they're capable of so much more and they don't know it, and everyone's waiting for them to break into the top tier, but they don't know how. I know this was a W for them but I think they have more potential than they're even aware of. I hate to criticize because they clearly slayed, but it was more of a function of the state of the field than anything else. I just want them to soar. Anyway, Vanessa in shambles, good for them, please don't Mike it up tomorrow!

Mi gente Latino: Please get ur shit together on the jumps and throws because you are beautiful! I love me some Paganini. The color of the costumes is delightful and I'm kinda digging her classic pairs dress for its simplicity. So here's the thing about dressing pair guys - you don't need to use tricks that make the guys look broader - they already are. He needs a longer, fitted, untucked shirt, he doesn't need the sash in the front, or the cummerbund, or the awkward depth of the V, or the flappy random-length sleeves. Idk, they need to send them to Oakville or somewhere to figure out their elements because I'm aboard this struggle bus with them and I want it to be a party bus instead. Please medal here because I just can't.

Kovalevs: Why are the Kovalevs? Like, srsly, why are they? I'm really struggling to find something constructive to say so I'm just gonna keep my trap shut, I'm sure they're working hard and everything. I want to burn their costumes for heat.

Sara and Nicco: I'm trash for this team, which is why some of the things they do irritate me so. This program is so snoozy and so schmaltzy, I checked out multiple times throughout. The appliqués and stoning on her dress are truly random, and it looks like they borrowed his shirt from the local decommissioned opera house. His pants need to be a different color. I'd give them completely new outfits, they're so pretty, they look like they stepped out of a movie and they deserve movie star-worthy costumes. And can we please figure out the wedgie issues already? It looks so painful! I like the balayage but it's so yellow and inexpertly done. Another great team that needs just a liiiitle more elevation of the presentation and music choices to be stunning, this is all a bit below them, they have this classic pair quality that I'd been yearning for for so long and I need them to be contenders, you know?

Anyway, on to my love/hate discipline, the dance!

Oh my gosh, Fashionista Nonny, I've been sick as a dog, and had a full nyquil induced hallucination sequence that I posted this and added comments. I can't remember what those were, so I'm just going to post for the people, because you're such an icon!

[randomvarious]

Today's compilation:

After Dusk 1985/1986 Soft Rock / Pop-Rock / Pop / R&B / Soul

Well, it looks like I kinda got got with this mid-80s release from the prolific compilation K-tel label here, folks. Nowhere on the front or back cover of this album of soft and saucy 70s and early 80s tunes does it indicate that any of these songs are re-recordings, but it looks like almost all of them actually are 😑.

And normally, re-recordings are pure, unadulterated acts of mortal sin that should 100% be illegal, but most of the selections on this album are actually pretty tasteful and really aren't nearly as disappointing as almost all other re-recordings tend to be. Maybe none of these will ever be as good as their corresponding original versions, and to be sure, some of them are still pretty bad, but a handful of them, I think, definitely manage to satisfy; which is actually pretty surprising.

So, a somewhat eclectic batch of hits here that are well-suited for getting busy to 😏, from soft rock, to pop, to R&B and soul; classy, pleasant, smooth, and intimate fare that's, for the most part, not too overly sentimental or sappy, like a whole lot of love songs just naturally tend to be. We're talking feelgood, tender radio classics, like Lobo's "I'd Love You to Want Me," whose cooing female backing vocal and lightly throbbing kickdrum still make this particular version a real pleaser, and Dobie Gray's "Drift Away," which finds Dobie clearly older, but with more ruggedness in his voice this time around.

And pretty great vocal harmonies to be found from some of the groups on here too, like The Association's "Never My Love," and The Tremoloes' "Silence Is Golden" as well.

Kinda miffed that K-tel totally got away with not making it apparent that this album consisted almost entirely of re-recordings, but be that as it may, they actually seem to have done a pretty decent job here. And sure, an album like this might be missing some of soft and steamy pop and rock's most memorable staples, like "Afternoon Delight" and "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)," but maybe it's best that I'm not exposed to re-recorded versions of those songs anyway, huh? 😅

Highlights:

Lobo - "I'd Love You to Want Me" The Association - "Never My Love" Dobie Gray - "Drift Away" The Tremeloes - "Silence Is Golden"

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 7th August

We've got a pair of songs today that reached Number 1 and Number 2 respectively. I'm always kind of excited, when I see that, and I think sometimes it's not actually good for setting expectations, because actually, a lot of my favourite songs don't do as well. The charts are just measuring what people bought, it's not necessarily correlated with things being actually properly good. So we shall see if this week's tracks are actually any good...

When - The Kalin Twins (peaked at Number 1)

The start of this has the same energy that Twilight Time had, in that it somehow feels like it should be used in a film scene to tell the audience "we're in the 1950s now". Except rather than the smoky, classy bar that Twilight Time evoked, this has taken us straight to a teenage hangout. There's a jukebox in the corner and people are ordering sundaes. It's young, and peppy, and a little bit vapid, you know?

Hal and Herbie Kalin seem to have been some pretty standard-issue pop-ish rockers, albeit with the distinction of being actual identical twins, the first (but not only!) twins to top the UK charts. They were up and comers in the Washington DC club scene, but were struggling to get a record deal until this song came along. And fair enough, because it's catchy stuff, very easy to get stuck in your head - after a listen or two, you definitely can sing along.

The whole thing trots along at a good pace, and has just about everything you want in a 1958 rock song, from slightly excessive amounts of backing singing, to some genuinely awesome saxophone, to a shedload of tight brotherly harmonies. Their vocal style is vaguely Everly-adjacent, very pleasant to listen to, and I really like whatever the percussion is, throughout, too - it sounds maybe like a woodblock, or a castanet? Either way, it's distinctive enough to stick in the mind, without feeling weird. Good, competent stuff all round.

Lyrically, it's nothing special, lots of bland lines about how when, when you smile, when you smile at me / Well, well, I know our love will always be. But that's fine. This is definitely a song that's all about the music, not the lyrics. It's a full, busy sounding song, and you don't necessarily want complicated lyrics messing all that up. In that way, you can kind of see this working in a dance club. It's all about vibe, not about what the Kalins are actually singing.

Return to Me - Dean Martin (2)

Goodness, it feels like ages since Dean's graced us with his presence. I can report that he's not changed, at all, though - this, like many of his songs, is a big old plate of warm, well-meaning cheese. Finest Italian parmesan, no less.

It's just about the most Italian / Italian-American song ever. It's from an album called Dino: Italian Love Songs, composed by one Carmen Lombardo, written by one Danny Di Minno. Plus, we've got mandolins, an accordion, and even an actual verse in Italian at the end, as Dean sings Retorna me / Cara mia, ti amo / Solo tu, solo tu, solo tu, solo tu / Mi cuore. It's not subtle, though it feels a little classier and less of a caricature than something like, say, Mambo Italiano or That's Amore.

The Italian part is basically a translation of the sentiment found in the rest of the song, as Dean exhorts his lover to return to me / Oh, my dear, I'm so lonely, / Hurry back, hurry back, oh my love, hurry back / I'm yours. So we're looking at a real sentimental ballad, Dean missing a lover who's left. And the lines about how if I hurt you I'm sorry suggest that Dean is at least partly to blame for this state of affairs. So yeah, this is a part desperate grovelling apology, part "woe is me" mopiness. And all of it is prettily sung, but very very slow and mushy, romantic but also kind of bland. Sorry, Dean.

This is begging to be used as background music in a mafia film. Can't quite explain why, apart from the obvious Italian-ness. But it just feels like it would work, you know?

Those sure were two songs. Neither was bad, but going back to what I said at the top, I do think their high chart rankings are misleading. Still, they're both fairly competent, if not thrilling, and maybe more exciting to the British public, simply by virtue of being glossy and American. Also, the Kalins were adorable, fresh-faced twins, and Dean Martin was a pretty famous, familiar voice, who hadn't put anything major out for a while. So perhaps these were always going to chart fairly well?

Favourite song of the bunch: When

[the-firebird69]

Valhalla | Aston Martin Supercar | Aston Martin (USA)

Our son and daughter came up with this company concept and named it and they started it only 20 years ago and they're winning every race and they're in a stolen design and it's certain people we don't like and they keep doing it so we think we might make the kit car and this particular vehicle but it'll have to be on the mid-age in vehicle the only one is the Corvette and people will do it and it's going to be stamped and for strength and stamp the metal certain type and it's not hard to make it very nice it doesn't take any time and it doesn't take much money to make an hour that alloy metal if you turn into a fly car the very car that we stamp could go about 300K and that's the second fastest after a custom car and people want it and we are going to take preliminary orders. our son and daughter stay down payments or we won't accept the order. Each kit will be about 20 million this car sells for about 40 million we do reinforce a brand new Corvette 2025 chassis and those chassis are built for speed and they are stamped but it's on a real frame too and you'll see weird reinforcing correctly we're going to make it from one of our racing companies that's well known and we will sell them fully assembled and yeah the windshield will be lower it's going to be faster than this and the front end will be a little bit lower it's it's too high you're going to take in all the air and in front of you and lift off the ground it's not right they never do it right but we need it and we want to do it and we're going to take orders and the people who know how to find us in place the orders and it is the Austin Martin Valhalla replica but our version is high performance this version that they sell is slightly high performance but the front end kind of takes it down a few notches and ours will go about 5,000 mph on the road there's will go about 2000 miles an hour but you really don't want to go about 1500 with theirs and yes we're taking orders it is a 20 million dollar car finished price everything attached including the chassis your wheels your tires drivetrain interior everything is done and it's a complete replica we do put the Aston Martin insignia and they have additional designations but the two want to put theirs on it and we won't tell you now what it is but it's because they modified what they did and we do say that Valhalla is kind of like heaven it's not a great name but that's what it is and we will call it the same thing and label it the same and it will look the same except the friend will be down lower and you won't notice it it'll be like three horizontal lines instead of five it's going to be classy of course and if we're not modifying theirs is a complete replica there will be less jigsaw stuff to make it faster and we're going to leave the snorkel and mostly it's going to be the same thing but the windshield needs to be shallower and you won't notice that difference but it will be noticed in performance and it will be a much hotter car no. Aston Martin is hot but you can drive right up to the hotel in the Monaco as a matter of fact they'll probably let you drive one to the racetrack we do want people to purchase it and we will reward people who defeat the 2024 Austin Martin Valhalla in any form of race that's safe yeah if you could call it safe there won't be any back road racing we don't want that

Thor Freya

It's mostly my stuff but the two put it extra into it and it really took off these things feel very fast and they don't fly they have the fit on it

..

I want one and I know how to contact them and I'm tired of this b******* and they can put in the water treatment and the cistern supreme system it's a pre-treatment system and the lunatics would allow it because they think they can tamper with it and it's another way to get rid of them and we have to get rid of himself but we have the ships it's excuse to come in and we have a lot of other work so we treatment and more and bug duty tons of stuff everywhere on Earth is gross and we need it I got to order this car and the down payment is not that bad it's a regular percentage about 15%

Mac daddy

I'm going to go ahead and try and buy one and he's saying it's 20% and I hear what the number really is

Ben Arnold

I have to buy one two of them he says that's terrific I got to buy two I'll see you better build it for me I'm going to call you these losses

Jen

I don't have to buy one I know who I am I don't think they'll sell to me he says if your money is real but why would you buy one I don't know to have a fastest car that's good that's why they send someone up there looks like Jesus LOL that's funny what the saying is they're not accepting those requests from me right now until you calm down I get that

Trump

Doing it by a lot of them so I can put down payment on the four of them

Jason

I had to put it down payment of four of them too that would make eight

Lily

We want to buy these things and we want to make sure we can they don't want people cluttering the airwaves who can't afford them

Mac daddy

We're not closing the airwaves we plan on buying them and using them we don't know how to do it it's real to us it's going to be real to them and we're moving out

Jason lily

I'm going to put down my down payment

Stan

I'm going to get a different color and beat you in a race and they said they're going to give us free stuff and then he says you have to race one of the old ones not the new one that we sell and it's only one year old I get that I'm going to do that it's close to the one that I drove in the track

Sherry

I'd like to see what you get when you race but I'm still going to buy one

Bill

We're saying we get you something when you win so when you win the race we will get you another of our Valhalla

Thor Freya

So it's worth it so I'm going to buy one

Bob Marsh

Oh we get it now we buy your car it's really on the Corvette chassis which is very fast this year because of our friend here and people are buying it like madness and it's faster than the real Aston Martin fastest car on earth and we're going to win the race and we'll have more of them so I'm going to buy one

Two that is

Tommy d

I have to get one tell the truth there's no reason why I'm able not to if they're crying out loud I don't think I'm Mr Bean okay I am and that was embarrassing right over the side I think I can win a race it's mid-aging and the new Corvette will stick ass cuz I made fun of them let me know what's that and it is a stamped body on the test I see that for the chassis and it's a real frame as well that makes it very sturdy and we're going with the Corvette motor it's attached to the chassis good I'm safe and we're going to change out the exhaust and the top end as a base kit change and the ultra high performance is the interior parts are titanium alloy yes okay so I'm going to buy the ultra performance and we're going to blow that thing off the road so I can get another ultra performance and have to write it up like that and I'm going to put in for mine

Justin

You see how this works and we can do with other things if they get behind it and it's people that can make avenues and ways of getting things out we can go ahead and do it. We have a lot of stuff like this we have a lot of those stupid Polaris vehicles and we bought them from Trump and they are saying no to it all but really people are not buying them because we're firstly not advertising them and we can do it a little bit spica stuff and see if they wanted to post some orders for the Baja car and it's a heck of a car it really is it's a nice vehicle and people love it all over the world already and they've only seen a few and take picture took pictures of it so we're getting some interest from them now and we are going to talk about a few things they might want to buy while they're at it Rolls-Royce has been a big topic and Bentley because the morons won't let anybody do it and they don't want these pseudo empire to get jacked up on it or the max or us and what we say is screw you to them and we're making them and we can have brochures on all these cars you can pick and choose or we can present what we have make a Rolls-Royce we make it from the ground up and it is made outside of the UK because the UK is overrun and they don't want to make anything conversely I'll send his offerings again to make a Bayliner it's a different kind of motivation and it's actually more potent he says because they're going to be riding around thinking they're doing well and DJ says good and how many can you make he says unlimited they're cheap as hell he says I don't want to hear that so we have to get him a brochure on the Bayliner and the hole is different but the concept is the same because our son and daughter wanted it to be the same do we have a decent way of making it and it still has all of the opportunities and we still would offer to have them build portions of it and assemble them but we would make a few first to show that we actually have the ability and he wants a bunch so we're going to talk to him and this is how it's going so there's other things that we can bring it up tomorrow he's going to get ready sleep so thank you everybody and have a good night and we will give you an update in a moment before sleep time

Thor Freya

Olympus

Zues yeah he's tired right now and he took a shower already and he's telling me about his help that he's got coming for me to be protected by and they're moving in now because some ships are heating up and that's Savage oppress and now it is nuana and Ariana and they're saying the pseudo empire this movie in 200 billion and they're getting that many from the Max and that money from foreigners and the minority warlock are moving in about 50 billion it's going on right now and I appreciate it

Hera

[chaosincurate]

chaosincurate's top 20 albums of 2023

For the second year in a row, I'm late to the year-end list party, but the format doesn't lose value as a way of finding new music just because it's not the holidays anymore, so here is my list:

20

Jessie Ware - That! Feels Good!

An exuberant and self-assured pop album with charismatic vocal performances from Jessie Ware throughout. It's groovy, it's greedy, and it's wonderfully hedonistic. It feels reminiscent of 00's pop by the likes of Rihanna and Katy Perry, but with a modern and classy flair that makes it as fun and danceable as anything by the aforementioned pair, but in a whole new way.

19

Yves Tumor - Praise A Lord Who Chews But Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds)

Yves Tumor continues to be one of the most interesting rock acts of their generation in a way that doesn't feel likely to polarize. It's as if we're hearing the pop music from a human-esque alien race. It appeals in all the ways it should, but is barely recognizable as pop music. Yves Tumor is generally yet to click with me properly, but they are undeniably intriguing and someone rock fans should be paying attention to.

18

boygenius - the record

On first impression, I thought the record was wildly overrated. Now, a few more listens later, but perhaps not enough listens as I should have had, well... I still don't get the hype. But I do find myself enjoying it slightly more with every listen. Maybe by next year I'll see it as amongst the best this year had to offer, but as of right now it's at a lower-than-most but still respectable 18th for me. I love the more upbeat cuts, like $20 and Not Strong Enough, and unsurprisingly considering the solo work of the 2 artists I heard from before this, the lyricism is brilliant with it's offhanded cleverness and sense of humour.

17

Laufey - Bewitched

Laufey really managed to sneak her way into my heavy rotation with this album. It became one of my most listened albums of last year despite the fact I would have sworn I only listened enough for about five full listens, accounting for shuffle plays, had I not seen the last.fm stats for myself. To be clear, that's not just the seeds for an Apple Music shuffle conspiracy theory (although there are traces of that involved, I'm onto you Apple), it's a comment on how easy this album is to listen to. I found it an unrewarding listen when trying to analyze it in the way I do most of the music I listen to, perhaps on account of my inexperience with jazz and jazz-inspired music, but when I just let it play, it truly shined. It's just so constantly in the groove, relaxing, and uplifting all at once.

16

Young Fathers - Heavy Heavy

I honestly struggle to put my finger on what appeals to me about this album. All I have are hints of things. It is a very dynamic album, and some songs on it feel quite communal too, which is nice, but those characteristics don't really stand out that much compared to albums I like this much. There's a bit of cool experimentation on display, but nothing truly groundbreaking. It's almost as if I love this album like I love people: not for a specific trait, but the indivisible whole that is made up by those traits. I recognize that isn't very helpful to you as a prospective listener, but honestly any attempt to describe this band and this sound is futile. It's sort of art pop, sort of hip-hop, but both labels, even put together aren't really apt descriptions. AOTY even calls it neo-psychadelia, which I think is an awful descriptor too. You truly just have to listen to this one.

15

Carly Rae Jepsen - The Loveliest Time

For an album far better than Emotion this sure got overlooked. I'm pretty sure I'm yet to see a year-end list that contained this album, and that is frankly a disgrace. The album has a particular warmth about it that remains as the album traverses conventional acoustic dance pop sounds and thumping electropop seamlessly. I've seen it called a b-sides collection, but I think it'd be more accurate to refer to it as a sequel to The Loneliest Time because calling it a collection of songs does a disservice to the cohesion this album has. If I weren't told otherwise I would have fully believed that this was the initial tracklist. In fact, the only hint I have that this is anything other than an album birthed from the same conditions as any other is the strange dip in quality in the last couple of tracks, tracks which feel strangely unfocused, meandering, and uninspired for what was otherwise an incredibly streamlined listen, thematically speaking. That's also the sole reason this album isn't in the top ten or possibly even top 5 for me.

14

shame - Food for Worms

This, for me, is one of those albums where, when you haven't listened in a little while, you think your enjoyment with it in the past won't hold up when you get around to it again, only to prove yourself wrong when you get around to it. That sounds like a very specific experience, but I know a bunch of albums and artists just like that, and I'm fairly certain that I've written about the phenomenon before. I think in this case it comes from the fact that they don't really have a particularly unique sound, but they make up for it with their impeccable execution and variety. There isn't an inch of indie rock ground that doesn't feel covered expertly here, which makes for an enjoyable experience, but not a lasting impact, at least for me. If shame can cement an identity with their next album, I think they could really begin to stand out in a crowded British indie rock/post-punk scene.

13

Danny Brown - Quaranta

Spoilers: Danny Brown makes 2 appearances on my list this year. His first, is for Quaranta. Having grown to appreciate that alienating intonation, I was far more able to respect that it helps Danny to stand out in a mix while also lending itself to a feeling that he is an obtrusive, unignorable outsider, which isn't so true anymore, but it does lend the album a certain fun aesthetic. That being said, the moments where it is absent, in my opinion, are more powerful and definitive for the album. When he tones it down or strips it back entirely, it tells you, along with the lyrics, that this is a more reflective Danny Brown.

I'll need more time with the album before I'm able to describe my thoughts more coherently, but I really enjoyed it and have no reservations about it's placement on this list.

12

The Japanese House - In the End it Always Does

There is a great deal of texture on this album, and that texture is cotton wool. The type that is warm and cozy and not the least bit itchy. I've said before that it's almost like an album from The 1975 that is entirely uninterested in spectacle and is only interested in catchiness as a secondary factor, instead opting to draw you in and create a sense of intimacy. Where The 1975 point at the layer of abstraction between you and the band, the one that makes them more symbols than people, painting it all these fancy colours and making it ornamental, The Japanese House attempts to remove it altogether, and for a second you'd be forgiven for thinking that the lives and experiences described in these songs are your own. I've tried to communicate this throughout this write-up, but to be very clear and explicit: this is not a derivative copy of The 1975. It has similarities, partially on account of the fact that the band's drummer produced the album, but the album is more defined by it's differences to their labelmates' efforts than it's similarities.

11

slowthai - UGLY

I really liked this album, and there's little point in denying that but I don't really feel like praising it on account of the allegations. Moving on.

10

Dispirited Spirits - Redshift Blues

Redshift Blues is a jazzy midwest emo concept album using various astronomical concepts and events as a metaphor for what appears to be a strained relationship. I say "what appears to be" because between the astronomy references and just general sesquipedalianism, this album is a difficult one to unpack logically. Emotionally though, it's all right there, easy to understand. You don't need to understand the concept of redshift to pick up on the fact that there is a longing in the vocals, and space or angst in the instrumental. That's what makes this one special for me. There is so much feeling that you can latch onto right away, but there is so much to comb through lyrically and learn about in the process that no matter what you're looking for from this type of music, you're likely to get it. It's a very underrated album, just by virtue of having little attention paid to it, so moreso than with any other album on this list, give this a listen if it sounds like your thing. It'd most likely genuinely help the artist here.

9

McKinley Dixon - Beloved! Paradise! Jazz!?

I quite liked McKinley Dixon's last effort, For My Mama and Anyone Who Look Like Her, but I felt as though it wasn't drawing me in that much, which made it feel a little less special to me. That (subjective) problem doesn't exist on his more recent effort. The eponymous jazz elements make this album stand out, not because they exist per se - there are plenty of hip-hop albums that implement jazz to some degree - but the way the genres feed off eachother here make for some immaculate vibes. It also helps to sell the theme of beauty in difficult situations, combining arguably the most widely aesthetically appreciated genre of jazz and hip-hop which is generally seen as the favoured artistic medium of those who are often discriminated against and impoverished. It's a beautiful sound that passively instills hope, and it's the driving force behind this album for me, although far from the only thing worth appreciating.

8

Olivia Rodrigo - GUTS

This album, for me, is Olivia Rodrigo earning and cementing her fame and adoration, and preparing to create her legacy within pop music. If you'll forgive a quick tangent, I heard Matty Healy say that "there is a big market of music for people who don't like music". Now, the guy is a prick, but I think that quote is a banger, and I bring it up here, because I think one of the big things that makes Olivia Rodrigo so special is her ability to toe that line. Vampire is a great example, you can hear that on the radio, and barring the awful censoring of the term "fame-fucker" to instead say "dream-crusher", it doesn't feel out of place. And yet, you can pay close attention to it and pick out amazing details, and get that effort repaid in the form of more enjoyment, not just in the moment, but in the now recontextualized listens on the radio, or in stores. She is clearly passionate about music, and passionate specifically about the music she makes too, but she's also making music for people who don't like music at the same time, which is a rare crossover to achieve on this level.

This is a very interesting album, and I feel like I could pick something new to talk about with every listen for years, but what's most important is that the music is good, and if great pop with rock elements sounds like something that could interest you, this one won't disappoint.

7

Genesis Owusu - STRUGGLER

Another album that is difficult to describe, because I love making my job harder on myself. I would hesitantly call it something like dance-punk or something along those lines if forced to, but despite the fact that this doesn't come across as incredibly experimental or genre-bending, there are elements of so many very different genres within it that it's hard for me to pinpoint. It's almost as if it's not genre-bending, but instead a whole new genre all of its own, as useless as a genre of exactly one album is. The traces of dance, grimey hip-hop, alt-rock, funk, and many others don't read to me as a combination at all outside of my efforts to define it, it's far too cohesive for that. There's no chaos here, just Genesis Owusu's sound. It's cohesive, immersive, and unique, but that's not even my favourite part of this album. My favourite part is the concept (and this is very much a concept album). It tightly deals with the experiences of someone who is up against odds that seem undeniable as they grapple with hopelessness, defiance, and laissez-faire acceptance, and all of it feels believable.

6

Sampha - Lahai

This is the vibiest album I've heard in a long, long time. When I initially listened to this album, I had completely forgotten that Sampha was behind one of my favourite moments on Mr Morale & The Big-Steppers (that being his chorus on Father Time), so while I shouldn't have been surprised by the incredible vocal performance and soothing essence here, I was absolutely swept off my feet all over again. The whole album, to varying degrees, feels reassuring, like an earnest "you got this" or a loved one being there when you need it. There's a calming warmth emanating off of the project that makes it so impactful no matter whether you're listening to the album actively, having a song served up on shuffle, or putting it on in the background.

5

Squid - O Monolith

I love me some art punk, and this album scratches that itch incredibly. Something about the core of Squid's sound feels so existentially anxious at all times, as if they are aware of some vague, unknown apocalyptic event that will occur in just a few years and they opted to channel their feelings of futility into music while they were still here to do so. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it were true that there were an unknown apocalyptic event right around the corner that sneaks up on us by hiding amongst the many known apocalyptic events, but that's not the point. The point is that the anxious energy they give off suits this punk-adjacent sound brilliantly, and when the themes are punky too, like on my favourite off the album The Blades, it feels so cathartic.

4

Paramore - This Is Why

From pop-punk to post-punk, Paramore have only improved as they've aged thus far. While every other band I loved from this time have strained themselves trying to create something of value by way of hollow experimentation, desperate grasps for popularity, and nostalgia bait, Paramore continue to go in bold new directions, and walk them with a genuine passion, which makes for not just more critical success than the vast majority of their former peers, but also more commercial success. It's a demonstration of their understanding of what gets people interested in new music from bands they love. They know it's not about being on the next big wave anymore or recapturing former glory, fans are already on board now, it's about giving those fans something new while staying creatively authentic and recognizable. We want to see bands express themselves and show us how they've grown, and older acts so often lose sight of one of those things, or occasionally both. Either they refuse to grow, stubbornly wearing the clothes they wore as teenagers as their hair begins to grey, or they start wearing what they think is on trend. But Paramore here, for far from the first time, buck the trend with maturity. It's very refreshing to see.

3

JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown - SCARING THE HOES

Honestly, with how much I've enjoyed this album, especially towards the end of the year, just calling this my favourite rap album of the year or third favourite album of the year feels a tad sacrilegious, but that should be taken as high praise for the next two albums as opposed to even slight criticism of this album. This is album of the year quality without a doubt, but the competition is strong in my opinion this year.

That said, this album is so easy to come back to that it's verging on addictive. The short runtime, the incredible production, amazing writing (Danny Brown on God Loves You gets verse of the year hands down), perfect flows, and crucially the feeling that none of this should work when all of it does makes me feel like the high I get from this album is impossible to replicate, although JPEGMAFIA's solo work does come close. It's a must-listen for me if for no other reason than that feelings

2

Model/Actriz - Dogsbody

Sexy, depraved, intense, and messy as fuck. This album is BDSM in audio form. It's banger after banger after banger, and there's always a slight tension, a tension that falls between feelings of dread and excitement, the performance straining as if they are leaning themselves over the brink of what they are capable of taking. There's a tangible sense of fear in that as you'd expect, but also a thrill and a pleasure in the knowledge that you are pushing yourself to your limits and giving everything you've got. If it feels like I'm always kind of describing BDSM, it's because 1. it's funny and 2. that just is the sound of the album. It sounds like rough sex. I can't help that. I didn't think industrial rock would be my thing, but it turns out if you add sex it does something for me.

Final note on this album, I just wanted to bring up the most beautifully depraved lyrics I think I've ever heard courtesy of the song Donkey Show:

Oh, you don't have to try to be gentle do it the way you feel right now I know it's hard I feel you rise to the occasion In the black light you know I'm shining for you here

1

underscores - Wallsocket

This one really came out of nowhere. With enough distance from first listen that I can be fairly certain that it's not just recency bias anymore, I'm calling it: Wallsocket by underscores is my album of the year. This was my first foray into hyperpop (if this would be considered hyperpop, idk, I'm new here) and I'm hooked. The nostalgic maximalist sound of 00s pop put through an online outsider filter is such a natural fit for me, as is the indie rock blended into the sound at points on this album, and the weird, unique themes that the album touches, and the fact that there is a story that goes through it... It almost feels like underscores cheated to get recognition from me for some reason, somehow finding out all my musical soft spots and calculatingly targetting them with this album. If it were under 40 minutes I'd feel like when she wrote about stalking that it was about me. Given a little time, this might well end up making my all-time lists. I can't recommend this one highly enough, although that might be more to do with the fact that I like it so much moreso than the feeling that anyone else would like it.

[necroalx]

"What I mean is... This outfit is really not ideal for what you're suggesting".

That was all Makoto could muster as Ren was holding her hand while standing before her, in a position that would follow a classic spin on her toes so she could face him front to front, but given the nature of her outfit, Makoto naturally objected as the rules of physics may lead to some circumstances she could regret if she continued with this "practice".

"Nonsense" Ren said while releasing her hand and taking a step back. "you look great in it".

"T-thank you, but thats not what I mean".

She crosses her arms, holding her upper arms with her fingers. Becoming more and more self aware by the second.

"I don't even remember having these in my closet, they just manifested there... and it seemed to be ok at the time but now..."

Ren plays with a flock of his hair as he thinks.

"Hmm how about this? instead of a spin, how about I rise you up by the hips and hold you up in my arms. You know, err that wouldn't be too invasive as I would just carry you properly by the upper legs using my upper arms and shoulders, very carefully".

"I appreciate the thoughtfulness Ren, but I think I should just stick to my regular style, it worked well for me so far".

"You know I think I get, is ok". Ren says.

"Get what?"

"Yeah, when I showed you my outfit you said it was "too groovy", but you really didn't liked it did you? I thought it was cool, but I may went a bit overboard. Or maybe not far enough? Maybe we could just use our regular uniforms, they look classy and it'll fit this style".

"What?"

"After all I guess we won't get too far if we're not comfortable enough, if you don't wanna wear that, if its not your style, that's ok. We can do something else too".

"Not my style?"

"Yes, maybe our regular uniforms should be ok, right?"

"First of all, don't put words in my mouth".

"But.."

"I said it was 'very you' which is usually being a show off, mixed with a bit groovyness. It just worked for a "street dancer look" Makoto explains herself bringing her palm to her chest, almost puffing in pride while describing the meaning of each word she said.

"I... huh?"

"Yes, I even made sure to match our outfits as much as possible before I... I... came here." That puffiness slowly begins to deflate as she realizes her immediate thoughts where coming directly out of her mouth.

"Y-you did?" A strange sight of the frizzy hair boy blushing? Couldn't be.

Makoto on the other hand, those crimson eyes, they matched the rest of her face.

"Now that you mention it, those gloves are pretty cool".

"F-FINE, LETS DO IT!"

"Huh?"

"GET IN POSITION"

"B-but-"

"Just do it! And you better not drop me Ren!"

"Wait you really?"

"Here I go!"

"Makoto, hold up, the first step is!"

*THUMP THUMP*

In a second both teens are lying on the floor, the third year is on top of the frizzy hair boy.

He opens his eyes.

A slash of grey, then a bit of skin, right in front of his face... his eyes open wide, Imediatly he bring his eyes down, he sees a bit of skin again, tightened by a black stocking, held tightly by a string of black lingerie, which was perfectly covered by bit of that (cursed) plaid skirt.

He closes his eyes, and opens them again, trying to look up at the roof, but there he meets, those crimson eyes, looking down at him, steady, examining him as well".

"..."

"..."

A second?

A bunch of seconds?

But many, many heartbeats and blushing cheeks later...

"You know what Ren..."

Makoto soft and private voice breaks the torturous silence.

"now that I take a closer look, you were right. You look really good in that outfit".

"Is that so?"

"Yes, you look so carefree, a bit disheveled even". Makoto said, letting a smooth chuckle go.

"I thought you didn't liked that about me."

Ren was doing his best to keep his cool, or at least to look like he does.

"When we were trying to help your friend you said-"

"Nonsense..." Makoto interrupted.

"I said she wasn't into that".

Her face got closer.

"I never said I was the same..."

This outfit, this room.

"Oh..."

After all it was all just like a dream. They'll forget everything as soon as they wake up in the real world.

"Don't get me wrong... I only do..."

She puts her hand behind his neck, holding him steady.

"When I'm the one who gets to mess you up and look like that..."

Maybe this outfit was indeed a bit too daring.

<3

[skin-slave]

I'm sorry if people hurt you. But God doesn't make evil happen. Satan does. Please choose God.

My brain: Do not engage. Block. Delete.

Also my brain: You know what?

See, if god is omniscient, that means he knows everything at all times. God knew way before creating Lucifer that the fall, etc, were gonna happen. He knew about all the evil. All the punishment. All the suffering. And he did it anyway. On purpose.

It means he knew, before he made ppl, everything that would happen. He already knew about the apple, and that by creating ppl, he would be setting them up for failure. (Which he would then punish, like a parent beating their kid for spilling a glass of water that they themselves filled too full. Real classy.) He knew. And he did it anyway. On purpose.

If you're a little less "from dust," and a little more "Darwin," he knew before the first amoeba that evolution would lead to us. He knew all about genocide, starvation, cancer, babies in dumpsters, deforestation, micro plastics, rape, torture, eugenics, ad-nauseum. He knew everything, in disgusting detail. And he did it anyway. On purpose.

I could not care less if a guy he created, for the express purpose of being a supervillain, has a hand on someone's rudder. It does not matter, even a little bit, if he just set the universe up and let it run, hands-off. His larger plans or whatever are entirely irrelevant.

I'm not omniscient, but I know that, if I make a splodey device, it will explode. Creating that device and then passively letting it explode doesn't make me not responsible. I did it, on purpose, with full knowledge of the ramifications. I don't get to skate by just bc I didn't physically push the shrapnel thru the bystanders. I did that shit.

And I'm tired of getting the spin that "UwU it's not his fault..." If that god is real, he is at fault for literally everything. You cannot say he created babies, but not the leukemia killing the babies. He made them both, and not by chance. It was the most informed choice in the history of ever. Dude looked at pediatric leukemia and went, "yup, sounds like a good idea."

If a person created leukemia, on purpose, knowing it would be killing kids, I would not sing songs about how rad they are. Idgaf if they also made rainbows. That's some really evil shit. The worst person you know would probably pass on creating leukemia. The moral compass is not a little off there. It's gone.

"It's part of his plan," is not a save. It makes it worse. It means that guy values something above the wellbeing and lives of children. It means that, whatever that thing is, he's totally ok with becoming a cosmic Mengele to get it. It means he's too lazy/stupid/apathetic/whatever to get from A to B without torturing and murdering children.

Please tell me you can see how fucking horrific that is. Somebody's dad going, "yeah, I had to slowly kill my kids to get a PS5... well, I mean, I didn't have to... actually, I technically could've just snapped my fingers and one would've appeared... but I work in mysterious ways, ya know?" And we're supposed to respect that amoral piece of shit? Where tf is your moral compass?

And you know what? That same omniscient god knew, at the beginning of time, that I would think and feel like I do, and why. He knew. And he did it anyway. On purpose. Sure, maybe the plan is to wait till I die and torture me for being exactly what he knew I would be. But I would rather sit in hell with other ppl who called out the bullshit, than lick the boots of the worst creature I can imagine. I kinda have standards for myself.

[knbdance]

You live in the same world as me Your eyes that resemble mine Now girl, I’m dying I want you, there’s no denying

Everyone stops to watch as we take the stage.

[batlingsstuff]

|| DREAM SMP HEADCANONS ||

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

hello! this is my first time doing headcanons, and i just want to clarify some things:

sadly, i won't be doing requests because i'm busy af with school and i dont want to dissapoint anyone, but you can drop some suggestions and i would think about it! it would be really nice :)

also i won't be writing romantic headcanons for minors or those who are uncomfortable with it, but i can do platonic headcanons for them! ^^

i won't be doing nsfw headcanons either, because i'm uncomfy with sexualizing real people and just writing nsfw in general :)

also, please tell me if someone is uncomfortable with fanfics and/or headcanons and i will erase that part as fast as possible, thanks for passing by! - batling

✦ means platonic

✦ characters : ranboo, tubbo, tommy, philza, techno and jschlatt

♥ means romantic

♥ characters: quackity, wilbur, nihachu, dream, george, sapnap, eret, karl, fundy and bbh

keywords:

(y/n) : your name

(n/n) : nickname

(p/p) : pizza place

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” – John Green

┌────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┐

SLEEPOVERS

---

GENDER NEUTRAL

└────── ⋆⋅✦⋅⋆ ──────┘

♥ Quackity

oh boy

i just have two words for this one: pure chaos

he will punch you with a pillow if you try to sleep

and you will be MAD at this

grabbing a pillow and hitting him RIGHT IN THE FACE with all your strenght

he'll probably fake cry about it, saying that you hurt him

after a while of pillow fighting, you guys got tired and plopped into the bed, snuggling into eachother and just enyoing the comfortable silence before drifting to sleep

♥ Wilbur

you two will probably blast hamilton and scream the lyrics till the neighbours wake up and you get angry knocks at your door

and you will laugh at that, lowering the speaker's volume and telling him to lower his voice aswell to avoid your neighbours calling the police

then you'll eat snacks and talk about anything that pops into your mind, laughing at the most silly jokes

he will sing sweet songs to you, making you fall asleep to his calming voice

summary: fluff

♥ Nihachu

you and her will bake pastries at a very late hour

she REALLY enjoys baking with you bc she thinks it's a great way to spend time with you

all this girl wants is to spend her time by your side, doing particularlly anything like streaming, baking, playing games and going outside for a walk and/or shopping

once you finished baking, she will kiss your cheek multiple times. that's her way to tell you that you did a great job :)

you'll spend the rest of the night cuddling, eating your pastries and watching some random movie, commenting about how bad it is and laughing

♥ Dream

bruh

this bitch will speedrun the sleepover

is it possible to speedrun a sleepover? maybe

you'll spend the rest of the night probably playing uncharted 3: drake's deception in his old ps3

after a while, you guys got bored from uncharted and went to his pc to play amnesia: the dark descent

there are 2 options:

you will be scared as fuck and will avoid looking at the screen when you think something bad will happen or when some body will come out from a drawer

or you will be totally chill with it, laughing hard when clay pisses his pants for real when he encounters the gatherer

you named the gatherer 'bob' :)

♥ George

he'll take you to the rooftop

and pushes you so you fall to your death

i mean

he gets blankets and pillows so you can stargaze together

he'll teach you the constelations while pointing them, excited about every single one of them

"look (y/n), that's the ursa major!"

he'll have hot chocolate prepared too, so you don't get cold while stargazing

you try your best to not fall asleep on the rooftop

but eventually fail

when he notices you're asleep, he stops talking about the constellations and carries you to your bedroom, giving you a goodnight kiss and leaving you in your bed so you can have a peaceful rest

♥ Sapnap

hey mamas

i don't know what sapnap will do in a sleepover so i will just improvise B)

you will watch anime together

not any kind of anime, like that romance-comedy bullcrap

no fuck that

you will watch the classy angsty anime like madoka magica

WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY

you will fucking cry because of literally anything that happens to the characters

"(y/n) why are you crying it's just a show"

'IT'S NOT ANY SHOW SAPNAP IT'S FUCKING MADOKA MAGICA OF COURSE I'M GOING TO CRY'

the last chapter made you fucking cry harder

AUTHOR HERE I WAS CRYING SO MUCH WHEN IT ENDED

yeah you will basically watch anime with him, cry about it and he will comfort you and bring you a glass of water so you don't have a terrible headache after it

I KNOW THIS HEADCANON SUCKED I'M SO SORRY

♥ Eret

KINGG <3

you two will plan a picnic in your yard

yes your yard

he'll bring a ton of snacks and you'll buy a few drinks

you two spend the rest of the picnic talking about your future and enjoying the snacks

then, he'll make you stand up and will teach you how to dance tango

and of course you will mess everything up

and you even stomped on his feet accidentally, making him wimper

but he brushed off the pain and laughed at your concerned face

after calming down his laughter, he gave you a passionate kiss and hugged you tightly

i love eret ok

♥ Karl Jacobs

this man.

this man is the definition of sweet

you'll spend the night cuddling and making cute pet names for eachother

he will definetely give you a great back massage if you're stressed

then he'll start writing love letters full of things he adore of you

and you'll do the same for him

after that, you will share your letters and just snuggle and smile at the sweet things you guys wrote for eachother

he will deffo shower you with kisses when he finishes reading your letter, telling you that you're the nicest person on earth

and that he loves you so so much

♥ Fundy

i'm a huge fundy simp ok

he will bring his piano to your house and you guys will compose a melody together

he will let you sit on his lap while you play the piano/keyboard with him

fundy will basically teach you how to play basic piano songs

you asked him if you guys could play megalovania together

he said no :(

but still you got to play nice songs together without messing up

and when you got the hang of it, he snuggled his face in your neck and kissed you there genly

and when you got tired, he started playing very calming songs and you fell asleep in his lap, snuggling into his chest

he gently carried to your room and will sleep beside you putting a fair distance so you can have a comfortable sleep!

♥ BadBoyHalo

bbh supremacy

he will get rat ready so you can snuggle with her too :)

you guys will mainly play with rat and talk about life in general

he will call you tons of cute pet names

ofc he will call you muffin it's bbh who we're talking about

he will talk about how bad he wants to spend the rest of his life with you

after a while, he will take you to his kitchen and start making muffins together

he will guide you on how to bake 'em though

you guys had a great time making muffins and cuddling with him and rat :)

══════ ∘◦❀◦∘ ══════

✦ Ranboo

tall mf gives the best piggy back rides

when he gets to your house there is a 100% chance he will bump his head on the door frame

and there is a 100% chance you will make fun of him because of that

"(y/n) please stop laughing my head hurts :("

you'll give him some ice to put on his head while you two play minecraft on your ps4

you will bring snacks too and ask him if his head is better

"yeah, thank you (n/n)"

he will pull you in a hug so you can be comfy together while you play good ol' minecraft

because ranboo surely doesn't play anything besides fucking minecraft

stfu that video of him playing spooky's jump scare mansion doesn't exist

✦ Tubbo

SWEET BE BOYY <3

he will gift you a bee plushie

expect a lot of (FRIENDLY) hugs from him

like fundy, you guys will play piano together

you guys are most likely to prank call some random numbers AND your friends

and you accidentally called some random pizza place

"hello! this is (p/p), may i take your order?"

you were nervous and didn't know what to say

UNTIL YOU CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA

"hello? are you there?"

'hi yes, i would like to order 7 extra large pepperoni pizzas to (tommy's adress).'

"oh- okay! uhm- they will arrive in a few hours. are you okay with that?"

'yes ma'am, thank you.'

when you ended the call, you couldn't help but burst out laughing, knowing that tommy will be so mad at you guys-

✦ Tommy

like quackity, PURE. CHAOS.

you guys will obviously stream your sleepover

doing a q&a stream :)

tubbo and wilbur will probably crash your stream and start spamming things like 'MEETUP??' and 'DIDN'T GET AN INVITE'

you guys laughed and added them to the call

"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU GUYS INVITE ME?" wilbur shouted

'i'm sorry willlll'

you kept playing minecraft with wilbur, tubbo and quackity too since he crashed your stream like an hour later

after the stream, you got up and plopped on the mattress that was on the floor

"tired?"

'yeah'

"okay, good night big (initial)"

✦ Philza

POG

YEAHHH SLEEPOVER WITH THE MINECRAFT GOD

AND KRISTIN'S THERE TOO :)))

and oh god you ADORE kristin

i'm pretty sure she's a total sweetheart

it would be like having a sleepover with your parents

only that it's less boring

you guys will watch a movie together, you will be in one side of the couch eating snacks while phil and kristin are in the other cuddling

you'll eventually bug them about it

after the movie, you fell asleep early and philza noticed, talking to kristin about it too

and wrapped a blanket around you so that you get a good rest :)

✦ Technoblade

mr. blood god teaches you the arts of the CRAFT.

yeah i mean it's techno what else does he play besides minecraft

he will play bedwars w/ u, teaching you how to pvp

"bro you kinda suck tbh"

'stfu techno'

he will comment about how bad you are, but tries to help you get better anyways

and when you do a very poggers gamer move, he praises you

and when he praises you you're all :)))

after awhile, he gets tired from watching you play minecraft and suggest watching anime

fucking weeb

i mean

uh

other thing you guys do together in a sleepover is playing and commenting about pokemon

if you don't like pokemon get tf out of here /J

i was joking please don't leave i respect your tastes

✦ Jschlatt

ooooh boy

get ready for a session of wii training

that's all you guys will do

play wii sports and some other shit like wii music

he will laugh his ass of if you fall while playing wii fit

but he will eventually help you bc outside his funny and shouty persona, he's a really chill guy and a really nice person!

seriously like have you ever seen a theweeklyslap video?

well expect hearing amazing pep talks from him

bc this man is a legend and knows his way to words and is very good at comforting people :)

sometimes you'll rant to him about anything that's happening in your life, and he will listen to you and give you really helpful advice

and you appreciate him so much for that

✧─── ･ ｡ﾟ★: *.✦ .* :★. ───✧

TYSM FOR READING GUYS, i appreciate it if you made it this far :)

i hope you guys really enjoyed these headcanons, it's my first time doing them and aa i'm a bit nervous about posting this but i'll be fine ig

also i'm sorry if there's a grammatical error, english is not my native language and i'm still learning it :) have a nice day/night, drink water and don't fuck up your sleeping schedule!!