#we’re now beyond what’s been previously posted on tumblr

[femininenachos]

(Feelings have most definitely been caught.)

Read chapter 6 on AO3.

cool for the summer

On vacation in Polis, Clarke hooks up with a local (again and again and again).

It’s just a hot summer fling.

It’s not like anybody is going to catch feelings… right?

Now on AO3.

[vibraniumavenger]

Autumn Leaves

This was posted previously on my old account, I'm simply reposting it here. It's been a while since I've used Tumblr, and also since I've written anything. I've had major writers block, so I'm just trying to get back into it. I hope you enjoy!

Natasha Romanoff x Female Reader

CW: Death of reader, Cancer

Y/N shot Natasha a reassuring smile, her long hair bouncing against her back as she turned quickly, returning to the fight that played out before them. The red head couldn't help but smile to herself, her mind wandering away from the task at hand as she thought about how lucky she was to score a girlfriend like Y/N. The support she had shown and continued to show, her laugh, her smile… a few of the many things Natasha loved about her. The day they met, Natasha knew if it wasn't her, it wouldn't be anybody. She was the love of her life, and she wouldn't change anything. 

Natasha was abruptly drawn from her thoughts as a loud gunshot and a pained scream erupted among them, stopping Natasha dead in her tracks. Her eyes scanned the many figures still fighting, hoping to catch a glimpse of her love, but instead saw nothing. It was when her eyes shot down, her chest began to sink, her heart thumping rapidly against her now tightening chest. There she lay, her body growing weaker by the second, the blood flow increasing as her heart rate decreased. 

Natasha’s legs grew weak and she stumbled over to Y/N, muttering to herself, trying her best to convince herself she’d be fine. She placed her hands over her girlfriends, applying pressure to the wound as if it would make a difference. The blood seemed to engulf their hands, but they didn't seem to notice. Their tear filled eyes were locked, staring into each others as the inevitable commenced. Y/N spluttered, her blood escaping her dry throat and covering her chin. “I-I love you…” Y/N started, but Natasha shushed her, encouraging her not to speak. “I love you too. Save your voice, sweetie. W-We’re gonna get you to a hospital, okay? You just gotta hold on a little while longer.” 

Y/N weakly shook her head, her vision blurring as the darkness grew stronger. “I’m sorry, Tasha,” her eyes fluttered shut, her body grew limp and the distraught sobs of a grief-stricken assassin filled the ears of all that surrounded them as she cradled the body of her love. 

Natasha shot up from her unpleasant slumber, beads of sweat lay on the surface of her skin. She ran her hand through her sweat drenched, tousled hair, pushing it from her face to catch sight of the person she valued most. Her breathing eventually evened out and she couldn't help but smile at Y/N’s sleeping form, so peaceful, so content. She stared at her a little longer, thankful to have her still. That’s when the reality hit, she may not have lost her just yet, but she would eventually and she knew the time was approaching quickly. 

Ever since the diagnosis, she had to reluctantly adapt to the fact they wouldn't grow old together. Y/N would spend the rest of her life with Natasha, but Natasha couldn't do the same. She would have to live her life without the one thing that makes her day brighter. She would lose the one thing that grounds her, she would lose her home.  

Natasha gently brushed the hair from Y/N’s face, placing a small kiss on her forehead before pulling her closer as she drifted off. 

Y/N and Natasha were sat at the kitchen table, Y/N eating what she could of her freshly prepared breakfast as Nat watched her attentively, taking in her every feature as if it were the last time. Natasha watched as her girlfriend stood, making her way past her and up the stairs. Nat just sat staring at her plate, dreading the news that was to come with todays check up. They were both beyond scared, not only for themselves, but for others close to them. 

The ride to the hospital was uncomfortably silent, both women unable to find words as their anxieties spiked drastically, their whole world about to be rocked once again. Natasha reached for Y/N’s hand, giving it a firm, but reassuring squeeze as they pulled into the hospital car park. The short walk to the doctors office was enough to increase their nerves further, both women becoming restless, unable to contain their nervous fidgets until the doctor appeared, inviting them into his office. They sat as quickly as they could, feeling as if their legs would fail them at any second. 

The doctor read over the results multiple times, unsure of how to approach the situation. Natasha could read his face all too well, but she was holding on to the smallest piece of hope she had left. Clearing his throat, he broke the silence, “Miss Y/L/N, I’ve been over your test results and I'm afraid it isn't good news. The cancer has grown rapidly since your last visit, causing it to spread and attack your other organs. I’m ever so sorry.” Y/N couldn't seem to focus, the room began spinning, the lump in her throat tightened and the doctors words became blurred as it started to sink in. 

“H-How many months?” Natasha asked, her voice small and broken. All the doctor could do was shake his head, “Weeks. We recommend chemotherapy to make it easier during her final stages but theres nothing more we can do.” 

Nat just stared at him, waiting for him to tell her it was a joke, to tell her it was all going to be okay. Her worst fear was coming true and there was nothing she could do about it. Thanking the doctor, they left without a sound. 

Eventually, they reached their home, allowing themselves to show their true emotions. The shock was slowly fading, replacing itself with sadness. Tear stained, puffy eyes were now visible and their bodies shook with their sobs. All they could do was hold each other, clinging on to what time they had together. 

Over the next week, they had started to arrange the official things. Starting with the burial options, they had to decide what would happen to her body once she had passed. There were a few disagreements on the cremation or burial decision, but after listening to Y/N’s wish, they came to a decision. 

Laying in bed, Natasha pulled Y/N close to her before putting her hand over her heart. The steady rhythm comforted Nat instantly. “Y/N, can I ask you something?” Y/N knew what she was going to ask, she was awaiting the question. “Are you scared?” 

Y/N took a deep breath, thinking over her answer momentarily. “Of dying? No. It’s a part of life, its inevitable. I’ll tell you what I am scared of.” Natasha studied Y/N’s face, inquisitive as to what she could be scared of. “I’m scared of what will happen to you once I’m gone. I’m scared that you’ll blame yourself, that’ll you’ll beat yourself up about it so much that you can’t heal. I’m scared you won’t move on and find happiness. I’m scared you’ll be lonely, a-and I don’t want you to be lonely Nat. You’re allowed to grieve, you’re allowed to take as much time as you need but please promise me something? Promise me you won’t dwell on this, remember the good times we had together, not my death. Just promise me you’ll be okay.”

Nat didn’t respond, she wiped away her tears as quickly as she could and pulled Y/N closer. “I promise that I’ll try.” 

“That’s good enough for me.” 

It wasn’t long before Y/N’s health plummeted. She was deteriorating rapidly and all the team could do was watch. Her frame grew more fragile. Her once vibrant skin was now pale, her luscious locks grew weak and fell from her scalp in clumps, her eyes were sunken in, her body now half the size it used to be. She would spend most of her days in bed, her body unconscious as she slept her days away. 

The chemotherapy was terminated, making the process unbearable. 

It hurt Natasha to see Y/N like this, all she wanted to do was take her pain away. All she could do was stand by and watch helplessly as she lost her fight. 

The weeks went by, and as much as it pained Natasha to admit, the end was nearing. Natasha hadn’t left Y/N’s side in what seemed like forever. Everybody urged her to take a quick shower, or grab a quit bite to eat, but she adamantly refused. She was too scared to leave, fearing she would lose her person. 

Tony sat beside Natasha, turning her to face him. “Nat, go get sorted. We’ll let you know if anything changes. You’re not doing yourself any good just sitting here, Y/N would want you looking after yourself. Just nip out quickly, she’ll be right here when you get back.” 

Natasha looked from Tony, to Y/N. Through Y/N’s shallow breathing, she managed to croak out a few words, although they were almost whispers, “Tasha, I-I’ll be okay.”

Natasha was hesitant, but she kissed Y/N’s forehead and told her she would be back shortly, before walking out of the room and heading to the shower. 

Y/N lay there, her breathing getting more shallow by the second. “T-Tony?”

“I’m right here, sweetheart. Everything okay?” His face was now etched with concern. She weakly shook her head. “I-I think it’s time…”

“No! Y/N, not without Tasha. Not yet, please,” he tried to bargain, hoping and praying for you to hold on a little bit longer. 

“I-I need you to tell T-Tasha something… I-I need you to tell her that I love her, a-and that she was the best t-thing that’s ever happened to me. I-I need you to look after her, t-to make sure that she’s okay. There’s a letter, in my draw, there’s a letter. G-Give it to her once I’m gone. Promise me?”

The tears traced Tony’s cheeks as he held her hand, the lump in his throat tightening. “I promise.” 

Y/N smiled weakly, her eyes feeling heavy as she finally gave in. She took one last breath, before her body relaxed and she let go. Tony’s sobs filled the room, his eyes squeezed shut as he continued to hold her hand. 

Steve left to find Natasha, fearing the news he was to bring. 

As soon as Natasha caught sight of Steve, realisation dawned on her. She felt the air leave her lungs, her whole world stopping. She ran as fast as her weak, shaky legs could take her, ignoring the feeling of her legs collapsing beneath her. She reached the room quickly, although time seemed to slow down for her. 

One look at Y/N’s lifeless body had her kneeling over the bed. “No, no, no, please. You cant do this to me, please. I love you, Y/N, I need you. I need you, please…” her pleas were desperate. She begged, pleaded and cried until she couldn’t anymore. She climbed up onto the bed and pulled her body to her, cradling Y/N in her arms one last time. 

When Y/N’s body was taken, Natasha felt numb, empty even. She struggled to process the thought of never seeing her again. Never hearing her laugh, never seeing her smile, never kissing her or even snuggling with her again. She couldn’t do anything, except mourn her. 

A week later, it was her funeral. Natasha was getting ready, the concealer barely covering the dark circles that lay beneath her eyes. She finished the look with the red lipstick Y/N adored on her. Her legs felt like bricks as she attempted to walk out of her room. The rest of the team stood waiting, giving her sad, but reassuring smiles. 

They made their way to the cemetery, following the horse drawn carriage that transported Y/N’s coffin. It was a short, but agonising journey for the team, especially Natasha. 

Upon arrival, Natasha looked across the graves, giving a small smile at the rain that fell heavily. She remembered their first date, it rained and they ran to find cover. They had their first kiss in the rain. She remembered the way Y/N would dance in the rain, a smile gracing her face as she dragged Natasha to join her. It was Y/N’s favourite weather. She was always happiest in the rain. 

The team helped Natasha carry the coffin, the weight barely putting pressure on their shoulders as they lifted her through. Eventually, they reached their desired destination and lowered her down, not wanting to let go. 

Once everybody was seated, the funeral director stood at the podium and began the service. His words echoed throughout, each person tearing up as he continued on. Soon enough, it was Tasha’s turn to speak. She stood before everybody, wiping her eyes and clearing her throat before starting. 

“I would like to start off by thanking you all for being here today. It means a lot to me, and I’m sure it does to Y/N too. 

When I first met Y/N, I instantly fell in love with her. She had this energy that seemed to radiate from her, I was intrigued. She had this huge smile, and an adorable laugh and I knew then, I was in trouble. She changed me. She showed me what it was like to be a good person, and to love somebody as much as one possibly could. She helped me see the good in life. She made me a better person, and for that I’m eternally grateful. 

She was always such a bubbly person, instantly brightening peoples day, no matter how tough it was. She never let anything get her down. When we discovered she was sick, our worlds were flipped upside down, but she didn’t let it get the better of her. No matter how rough she was feeling, or even towards the end, she never let it get her down. She always made light of the situation. 

I’ve been with her for many years, and each day had been a blessing. We had so much we wanted to do. We had planned to get married, have children, and eventually grow old together. She spent the rest of her life with me, but I don’t get to spend the rest of mine with her. My heart breaks each day, when I wake up and she’s no longer there. I love her beyond words can even begin to explain, she is and always will be my person. I will remember her and keep her memory alive, until we can reunite once again. 

As much as it pains me to see her go, I know she is out of pain. So, Y/N, I love you, my beautiful Angel.” 

There wasn’t a dry eye present, each person allowing the tears to stain their cheeks. They stood over the coffin, watching as it lowered, like an autumn leaf, drifting to the ground. Y/N’s favourite song playing in the background.

The team threw a rose into the grave, along with Y/N’s parents and eventually, Nat. Then, came the soil. After their final goodbyes, everybody made their way to the wake. All, except Nat and Tony. Natasha was standing beside her grave, her eyes falling on all the other headstones, the rain drenching her clothes even more. Y/N was so young compared to the others surrounding her. Tony stood behind her, his hand stretched out to rest on her shoulder, causing her to jump. 

She turned to him, before pulling him into a tight hug. “You did her proud.” 

“I sure hope so.” 

Tony reached into his suit pocket, pulling out an envelope and handing it to Nat. “She asked me to give this to you. She made me promise.” Natasha looked at him, confusion evident on her face. “I’ll leave you alone to read it, I’ll be in the car waiting,” and with that, he turned and walked away, leaving Natasha alone. 

Her shaky hands opened it up, pulling the letter out and reading it slowly. 

My Love, 

If you’re reading this, I’ve lost the battle. And for that, I’m sorry. I wanted to write you this letter, just in case I never got to say goodbye. I hope you know, I never wanted to hurt you and I apologise profusely that you’re going through this. I know, you’re probably rolling your eyes at this, thinking to yourself that it’s not my fault. 

From the moment I met you, I knew you were the one for me. You say I helped you in many ways, but you helped me too. You gave me something to fight for, you were a reason not to give up. My reason to not give up. 

You’ve stood by me, no matter what. You dealt with the ups and downs of this illness and for that, you are perfect. You’re perfect in so many ways, believe me. 

I want you to take care of yourself. Eat properly, sleep properly and stay hydrated. Leave the house, go for a walk, just don’t neglect yourself. Do these things for me. Don’t dwell on my death, just remember the good times we shared, think of the memories we made, the life we have built. Don’t let yourself get all dark and twisty. Let somebody in, the team will always be there for you, you know that. 

Tasha, I love you. I always have and always will love you. I’m sorry things have ended this way, it wasn’t fair. But, know that I’m out of pain and awaiting your arrival. You can only arrive once it’s your time. No sooner. 

Things will get better for you. Eventually, time will heal all wounds left from my passing. I know it’ll be hard, but I want you to move on. I don’t want you to be alone. Please, don’t be alone. Find a nice girl, settle down, have the life we were supposed to have. The life with the wedding, the kids, the grandkids and the old age. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.

You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world in the years we’ve spent together. The way you make me feel, the way you look at me. I’m completely and utterly in love with you. 

I’ll be sure to visit you every now and then, just to let you know that I’m still by your side, watching over and protecting you. I’ll always protect you, just like you did me. 

Once again, I love you, Tasha. 

Love, 

Y/N

P.s. I almost forgot, there’s a ring in the envelope. The same ring I was going to use to propose to you. I want you to have it, after all, it was always going to be yours. I hope it fits! 

The tears blurred her vision as she finished the note. She wiped her eyes quickly, sniffling as she pulled the ring from the envelope. She smiled as she looked at it, before sliding it onto her left ring finger. It fit perfectly. 

Taking one last look at the place her girlfriend lay, she whispered, “I love you.” And with that, she silently walked back to the car, thanking Tony for the letter as they started their journey to the wake. 

As Natasha looked down at her ring, she couldn’t help but give a sad smile. She really did have the best. 

[homo-sex-shoe-whale]

Online shipping, the fetishisation of gay men, and the romanticisation of queer trauma

An essay by me!

Word count: 2.8k

A link to the Google Doc version of this essay.

A big thank you to my friends Nathan @themeerkatnate, Mav @not-mavv , and Duke @dukedark-ness for reading this essay and giving me their thoughts as mlms on the topic. Make sure to check out their blogs and give them a follow!

So I was on a lovely website by the name of Twitter.com yesterday, just scrolling through while having my afternoon cup of coffee, when I saw that viral post of a girl reading a Larry fanfic through a classroom projector. I'm sure most of you have seen it. It's gone viral on Instagram, TikTok, and likely Tumblr too, and if you haven't come across it I'm positive you will soon.

Now, after getting through my initial reaction to that post which was, holy fuck, that's so embarrassing, I had a second reaction of... wait, this ship is still around?

And after I had some thoughts on the incredible permanence of some online ships and the weird obsolescence of others, I did get to thinking of how lots of these popular ships seem to stem from the same types of perceived relationship dynamics and homophobic stereotypes.

These online fandoms often seem to have an obsession with objects of queer trauma, such as having to hide a relationship, lying about sexuality for self-preservation, and even social rejection. So, after some opinions from my followers and the great archive that is the internet, I've decided to discuss some of the most popular examples of online shipping and the particular nuances they came with.

NOTE: Out of respect for all these people, I won't be sharing viral images or videos of them in perceived romantic proximity (or even kissing, as is applicable for some examples), but I will be describing certain moments I deem to be relevant. So even if you're unfamiliar with them, you won't be confused as to what I'm talking about.

NOTE 2: Although not all people within these fandoms were/are toxic, this essay is focused on the overall toxicity of the fandoms, and how they are toxic more so as a "hive" than as a group of individuals. When I refer to a fandom I don't mean every person involved in the fandom, but rather the collective impact of the group.

 1. Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson 

This is arguably the most popular example of online shipping. The absolute permanence of this ship, and how its fandom never seems to fully die off even beyond the lifespan of One Direction as it once stood, is downright impressive.  

I'm going to be the first to admit I was never in the loop with this fandom. My childhood best friend was actually a massive Larry shipper and asked me to beta read one of her fics, but that was before I even knew who tf Harry and Louis were! Not because I avoided the fandom or even because I rejected the online shipping, but just by coincidence, I delved into the world of pop punk music right when One Direction began gaining its popularity. I bought my first ever album, Riot by Paramore, in 2011- only a year after One Direction made their X-Factor debut. So, this fandom just bypassed me by a sort of weird coincidence.

But I don't need to be in the loop with this fandom to know the astronomical obsession with these two men, no, these two BOYS, was extremely toxic. In 2010, when One Direction made their debut, Harry Styles was only 16 years old. And Louis Tomlinson wasn't much older at 19! This made the two of them incredibly young when this unprecedented wave of shipping hit the internet, and although that must be traumatising for anyone, I cannot even fathom how overwhelming it must've been for two boys that young.  

I'm 18, almost 19 now, and I cannot begin to imagine how scary it was for the two of them to have their every interaction nitpicked within an inch of its life by thousands upon thousands of people online. I do not know this myself, but from numerous recounts by some of my followers, this massively impacted Harry's and Louis' nondescript relationship in real life, seemingly driving the two previously close friends apart. 

Now, before we move on, there's something we need to talk about. And that is the obsession with the dominance/submission dynamic within the world of gay shipping. 

With almost every popular mlm (an acronym meaning man-loving-man) ship based on real people, it seems that fandoms have a particular fascination with power imbalances in these relationships. You don't even need to look at the insane amount of fanfictions based on BDSM to figure this out. In almost all of the examples I'll be citing today, there is an age gap within the perceived relationship and a person the fandom has seemingly decided to be the top/dominant figure. 

Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are 3 years apart in age. Although it isn't all that relevant now, an age gap of 3 years when you're in your late teens is a lot more significant. In 2012, for example, when this shipping really started gaining traction, Harry Styles was 18 and Louis Tomlinson was 21. That power imbalance, albeit not that significant, is enough for a fandom to latch on to. We'll see this a lot more in the coming example with Dan and Phil.

 2. Dan Howell and Phil Lester

It's impossible to have a discussion about internet shipping without talking about Dan and Phil.

 Dan Howell and Phil Lester, although being popular YouTubers individually, are arguably one of the internet's most iconic duos. The two creators published their first videos together in 2009, and while their relationship was already a motive of speculation back then, the peak of the "Phan" shipping definitely came in the 2013-2016 era of Tumblr.

Now, I'm going to admit… I was actually on Tumblr when that happened. 

The 2013-2016 period perfectly aligns with my middle school days (I started middle school in 2013 and high school in 2016), and I was not only on Tumblr back then, but I was on Wattpad too! Again, this wasn't a fandom I had much contact with as I had a huge anime phase in middle school and I was on Tumblr posting mainly photography and Soul Eater content more than anything. 

But I did watch some of Dan and Phil's videos! And the occasional "Phan" content did not completely evade me as one of my closest friends in middle school had a fanchat for them. I wasn't involved in the fandom myself but they were actually one of the few English-speaking YouTubers I watched once in a blue moon (back then I watched mainly Brazilian YouTubers). One thing I did in fact notice over the years, around 2014ish perhaps, was that the two of them seemed to grow increasingly "awkward" around each other, in a way that many folks on the internet thought was reminiscent to Markiplier/Jacksepticeye, two YouTubers who also dealt with extraordinary amounts of shipping.

I'm not the only one who thinks this. The change in Dan and Phil's relationship, at least to the outside world, was clear to almost anyone who watched their videos for a while. I cannot blame them at all. The shipping was nuts. Between the countless fan videos, speculative comments, and insurmountable number of fanfics, there's no way the two of them didn't feel the weight of the shipping. The term "demon phannie" made its way into internet vernacular and there it stayed for years. Even Shane Dawson, who was one of the largest creators on the platform at the time, made several videos speculating on the nature of Dan and Phil's relationship and their sexual orientations. 

There was even porn made in which actors with similar appearances to the creators were made to have sex on camera. 

Now, this is actually a rare example where the two people involved in the ship actually came out as gay once the shipping seemed to die down. I'm incredibly happy Dan and Phil both reached a point where they were comfortable being publicly out, but I hate to say I'm shocked this day ever came. If I'd gone through what the two of them did, I don't know if I'd ever trust the internet. 

And again, this ship's fandom definitely had an obsession with the power dynamics they thought existed between the people within the ship. Dan Howell is 4 years younger than Phil Lester, and was only 18 in 2009, when they started making videos together. From my personal understanding, the shipping was often quite focused on this dominant/submissive dynamic especially in discussions from their early relationship. And this is in no way exclusive to Dan and Phil.

This general fascination with the older man/younger man dynamic, in my opinion, plays into the homophobic stereotype that gay men are predators. The idea that gay men usually seek younger men, and somehow "convince" them to engage in homosexual relationships, is popular homophobic rhetoric. The popularisation, exaggeration, and fetishisation of these power imbalances, in age and/or in relationship dynamics, is directly harmful to the mlm community. 

Not only that, but the romanticisation of a "hidden/forbidden relationship" is also detrimental not only to gay men and the mlm community, but to queer people as a whole. Queer people face huge trauma having to hide their relationships; queer attraction is already a societal taboo. And acting like this is good, or even desirable, is harmful to queer people as a whole, regardless of whether or not it's actually applicable to the people being shipped. It normalises this trauma not only to cisgender, heterosexual people, but to impressionable queer youth who grow to believe this type of trauma is to be expected. 

3. Frank Iero and Gerard Way

This is another example where the perceived power imbalances between the two subjects of the shipping were directly exploited online. Now, this ship did precede the others mentioned above. If we're looking at this topic chronologically, this particular ship did come first in the shipping timeline. It's closer to the origin of the shipping extended universe, if you will.

In case you aren't familiar with them, Frank Iero and Gerard Way are both members of the American emo band My Chemical Romance. This ship is the first one here of which I don't recall the full popularity. It really peaked in popularity around the late 2000s, circa 2008. And I don't remember this moment online as in 2008, I was only 6 years old and believe it or not, I wasn't really all that concerned with rumoured homoeroticism as a first grader. 

However, the popularity of this ship did carry over into the 2013-2015 Tumblr shipping boom. The emo fandom (or "bandom" as it was called) involving not only My Chemical Romance but other similar bands such as Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, and Pierce the Veil, found its hub on Tumblr. 

During this time, I did in fact listen to this style of music, but was focused a lot more on the anime side of Tumblr as mentioned earlier. Of course, I wasn't 13 years old like, "hey, this type of content might be harmful and can inadvertently perpetuate homophobic stereotypes," I just happened to care more about my silly little anime and ended up not getting involved. 

This ship does involve a discussion that the others don't, however. With Frank Iero and Gerard Way, there is quite often a certain sentiment of, "Oh, they brought this upon themselves!" as the two band members very famously kissed during a show in 2007. In my opinion, though, this doesn't really justify all the obsessive shipping. If you look at Green Day, a band often grouped in with MCR as another famous pop punk group, the members don't follow too different of a trajectory. Billie Joe Armstrong has, on numerous occasions, kissed both of his fellow band members onstage- particularly Tré Cool, the drummer. And Billie Joe Armstrong is openly bisexual, which none of the members of MCR seem to be but some, or even all of Billie's bandmates, are too. 

You'd think Green Day would face a lot more shipping as the more persistent onstage homoeroticism and Billie Joe's openness about his sexuality would warrant more "substantiated" speculation. However, Green Day faces nowhere near as much shipping as My Chemical Romance. Why is this? I actually don't know. It might've been because Green Day has been around for over a decade longer and generally has an older fandom, but I really am not that sure. 

 It could also be because of the lower lack of potential for forced relationship dynamics. The members of Green Day are all less than a year apart in age and are even similar in height. However, Frank Iero is 4 years younger than Gerard Way, who is not only the frontman of My Chemical Romance, but also considered to be the group's intellectual and creative "leader". Even beyond that, Gerard Way is quite visibly taller, and the perceived power difference between the two of them definitely did not elude their fans. 

This difference could even be partly due to the lack of a "mystery" with Green Day. There's not as much to speculate as, well… the members of Green Day are already open about their sexual orientations. It might be that shipping in the Green Day fandom has less of a forbidden appeal for most people. 

Of course, I won't just keep repeating myself, but my previous points about forced relationship dynamics still stand.

4. Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch

Better known for their roles in BBC Sherlock as Sherlock and Watson, Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch unfortunately had their roles follow them well into real life. This is the example I know least about, so have these thoughts from a follower by the name of @indubitably-a-goblin, who had the following to say:

"the main issues i had with it were:

a) they were both married at the time, freeman to amanda abbington and cumberbatch to sophie hunter (in which both had children)

b) the main reasoning for it was their chemistry in the many projects they've done together. which is, shockingly, their Whole Job. They're actors! That's what they're supposed to do! if they weren't good at interacting then they wouldn't be good actors! i don't know how people can't understand this.

c) they're real people. we don't know them. we aren't friends with them. we aren't their family members. we have zero right to be pushing this onto them and ruining their friendship by doing so. (this one relates to most of the ships you've mentioned though)

d) healthy friendships between two men are ignored so plainly in most medias and in fandom. its obvious that these two men have a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic one.

e) its fine to ship their characters, but actors shouldn't be treated as less-than-human or some sort of prop. they're doing a job, and once they are off-screen, they aren't here for your entertainment."

I believe she did a great job of summing it up on her own, and for the sake of avoiding redundancy, I'll leave it at that!

5. Corpse Husband and Sykkuno- an emerging yet subtle example

I am absolutely positive you remember how popular the game Among Us was a couple of months ago. And with the popularity of this game, some of its most prominent content creators became the targets of online shipping- as is the case with YouTubers and streamers Corpse Husband and Sykkuno. 

Although the shipping involving these two creators is nowhere near as strong as it was/is with the examples above, I do think there is once again a reemergence of a common theme here. Whilst Sykkuno is known for his happy-go-lucky, almost "innocent" persona, Corpse Husband is the antithesis of this, known for his much darker and moodier personality. 

Do I even have to mention what the common theme seems to be?

Again, although the popularity of shipping - at least with real people - seems to have died down a bit since the Tumblr shipping boom of the early to mid 2010s, I do believe this example is worth mentioning. Even though the creators are still close, they have in fact expressed discomfort regarding the shipping, and I can only hope the internet as a whole lets their friendship blossom and exist naturally without obsessive speculation. 

My final thoughts

As explored in the essay:

The romanticisation of objects of queer trauma as a part of online shipping normalises queer trauma to both cishet and queer youth. 

Online shipping, especially at a high intensity, can end up negatively impacting the very relationships they pine over. 

The relationship dynamics often forced on mlm ships perpetuate homophobic stereotypes about non-heterosexual men. 

If anyone else has thoughts on this matter, do share! This essay is moreso an opinionated observational piece and isn't meant to be taken as fact but rather just as my thoughts on the matter. I hope it was useful as a reflective piece regardless!

Date of posting: June 16th 2021

[can-of-pringles]

Not To Be Forgotten

(gif by @phantom-evil​ because Tumblr couldn’t find it in the gif search)

Rating: Gen

Warnings: None except a bit of angst, other than that it's pretty much fluff

Word Count: 3k

Summary:

He didn’t know why he stayed or how Dr. Brenner had convinced him to follow. His burning curiosity grew too strong at that moment, he assumed. If he wasn’t careful, his emotions would get the better of him. 

Notes: (PLEASE NOTE) This is a prequel to my other Stranger Things fanfic, Similarities. It takes place in the same AU. An AU of mine where Peter Ballard/Henry Creel is Eleven's bio father. I wrote this after writing Similiarites because of finding one scene after that might be evidence of Henry Creel/001 being there when Eleven is born. Technically, it doesn't matter which one you read first, but I'd suggest reading Similarities first simply because you'd understand more why there are a few potential plot holes in it due to this fanfic. But like I said, this was written after, and I tried avoiding plot holes as much as I could. Though I think a little bit of error is fine if the Duffers are allowed to completely forget Will's birthday... anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Henry is 24 years old in this.

Forgive me if there’s any mistakes, I tried posting this to Tumblr like 3 times smh.

Also Read On AO3 

Tag list: @nebulousfishgills​ , @my-horror-slasher-ocs​ , @noahspector​ , @cuethemulti​ , @dark-dimare​

He didn’t know why he stayed or how Dr. Brenner had convinced him to follow. His burning curiosity grew too strong at that moment, he assumed. If he wasn’t careful, his emotions would get the better of him. Henry Creel, or Peter Ballard as he was called now, currently waited in some sort of medical facility. He knew it was connected to the lab, but it wasn’t the same as the standard buildings. He wasn’t sure how long he had been waiting by himself, but minutes seemed to drag on; causing his mind to wander. He started thinking about the conversation he’d had with Dr. Brenner earlier.

---

(Previously) “Peter,” Peter saw Brenner trying to get his attention. “Come with me, please.” He instructed. Peter let out a breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding. He forced a smile and nodded. His mind, always thinking the worst, ran through the several reasons why he could receive a punishment. But none of them made sense. He hadn’t done anything wrong that he could think of. Or at least, nothing that Brenner had noticed. Despite his bitterness, he mostly followed Brenner’s rules. Though that was for avoiding punishments and other consequences. He hated how much control the man had over him. He followed Brenner from the rainbow room into a hallway, mentally preparing himself for what was to come. “May I ask... what have I done wrong?” He asked hesitantly, as he and Brenner walked side by side. There was always a chance that punishment would worsen by asking the ‘wrong’ question, but it didn’t stop him this time. The older man gave him a puzzled look. “Nothing, nothing is wrong... in fact, it’s the opposite.” Peter remained silent in his confusion. “We’re expecting another addition to our family in the lab,” Brenner continued. Peter felt his stomach turn as he watched the man smile at the news. He despised it when Brenner referred to his experiments and subjects as a family. He hadn’t had a great perspective of what a family was supposed to be like, but he knew it wasn’t this. “You mean another subject?” Peter asked. He didn’t understand why Brenner was making a big deal out of this. Yes, Peter would be informed whenever there would be a new subject, but Brenner rarely pulled him aside to talk about it for this long. “In other words, yes,” he answered. “Today will be their birthday.” “A lab-born one...?” Peter thought. He secretly felt a bit of sympathy for the ones who didn’t know life beyond the lab. Peter continued walking, albeit slower. “Why did you ask me to walk with you?” He asked. Something in him felt more daring that day, hence the speaking up more and the questions. Daring? Or just foolishness... Henry could think about that later. “Because I figured you’d want to be involved,” Brenner said. “Be there for the moment,” Peter said nothing in response but noticed the knowing look Brenner was giving him. Hinting. “So, you mean...” Peter trailed off. For some reason, he couldn’t finish the sentence. Maybe because he was secretly scared to get an answer for the things he avoided thinking about. Brenner didn’t give him a verbal response but continued looking at him in a way that answered his suspicions. Peter swallowed nervously and glanced away as they continued walking. Deep down, he already knew what Brenner had meant by that, but assumed that he didn’t want to have it verbally considered ‘on the record’, for whatever reason. Probably to potentially manipulate him. To tell him later on that he was crazy or delusional for believing that Brenner had confirmed it. Peter fidgeted with his hands until Brenner glanced at him. He stuck them in his pockets. He hated how pathetic he was when he felt nervous. It made him feel weak like he was just as susceptible to his emotions as every other human. One thing that helped distance him from them was to analyze his feelings. His nerves almost felt humorous if he looked at it from a logical standpoint. He’d been through worse. So why was this the reaction he was getting? Maybe it was normal to be feeling this way because of the current situation. It’s not like he had other life experiences to compare it to. He hated feeling unprepared. “Peter?“ He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Brenner. He really needed to stop spacing out. “I’m feeling especially nice, so I will give you a choice, One,” Brenner said, calling him by his lab number. Since it was just the two of them, it didn’t really matter what he called him. However, Peter almost recoiled at the sound of it. He already felt less than an actual person, but only being called a number, not even a real name, made it worse. “Choice?“ “The choice to be there and witness, or to go back to the rainbow room.” Brenner continued.

Now he understood why Brenner had called him over. They stood outside another set of doors. Peter didn’t know why Brenner was being so generous suddenly. Well, as generous as he could be. Was this a trick? If so, it was a strange one. He considered his offer. Throughout his whole life at the lab, Peter didn’t get choices often. He usually just had to accept whatever Brenner did with him. So whatever decision he made about this would be crucial. Technically, it wouldn’t hurt to just be there. In all honesty, his curiosity grew. He had always been a curious person. It was probably what drove him. “So?“ Brenner waited for his response. Peter remained silent as he thought about it. When he finally decided on his answer, he spoke. “Yes.” “Good, I think this will be a great experience for all of us,” Brenner said. “All of us?“ He repeated. Not because he didn’t understand, but he wanted to know specifics. “Terry Ives is the mother,” Peter nodded shortly. He slightly remembered her. They had maybe one or two brief interactions between them in the past. Nothing more than a quick ‘hi’ or passing each other by in the hallway. They had both been test subjects. One of them volunteered, and the other didn’t have a choice. That was all. “So... when do we go in there?“ Peter asked, absentmindedly fidgeting with his sleeve. “Soon,” he replied. “Oh...“ Peter murmured, frustrated that Brenner wouldn’t tell him the details. “As for what to do right now, you need to suit up.“ Peter would’ve scoffed at that if he knew it wouldn’t have ended in punishment. The certain words people used to describe things didn’t really make sense. Though when did people ever make sense? Why would there be any suiting up? There was a baby in the process of being born, not some sort of fight. Henry understood he was out of his depth a bit, but he wasn’t clueless. “I mean, wear medical garb,” Brenner added. “Oh.” He thought. “Course.” “But where do I—“ “It’s folded up on a shelf in the medical ward behind these doors,“

---

Peter realized his mind needed to stop wandering and focus, especially right now. Time had passed, and he had been brought into the delivery room. He had to admit; that he had been through plenty of overwhelming experiences, but this was on a whole other level. He wasn’t even going through anything himself, and yet he still internally cringed. Peter felt awkward just standing there watching, feeling out of place. Though when did he not feel out of place? But he didn’t know what else he could do. He definitely wasn’t medically qualified to make medical decisions and give instructions. Maybe being there was a mistake. Time felt stuck in between being frozen and feeling like everything was going too fast; something that Peter didn’t appreciate. At least he could maintain his calm and collected persona. The feeling of time being out of control settled once it was done. Peter watched as Terry briefly interacted with her newborn daughter. Several emotions went through his head. He couldn’t identify most of them, however, the one that was probably familiar to him the most was jealousy. He knew it was absolutely ridiculous, but couldn’t control it. Why did he feel so strongly about this? He knew he was acting so immature. Peter felt ashamed. Maybe pushing his feelings down would help. Hopefully, Brenner hadn’t noticed him clenching his jaw. In reality, his emotions didn’t matter, because soon he’d have to pretend to not even know about her; about the child. Henry hesitated, calling her ‘his child’ in his mind. Technically, yes, she was, but he didn’t even know her, really. Something in his mind clicked. By Brenner allowing him to see her be born, and then probably never letting them interact in the future, that was the real punishment. “It was a trick, after all.“ He thought. Why hadn’t he seen it before?

---

They had sent him back to work in the rainbow room after watching his estranged daughter’s birth. He had been forced out rather quickly, not even getting the chance to hold her. Not that he had even thought about it. Not seriously, at least. “Peter,” Brenner said. “What could he possibly want now?“ He thought. “Yes?” Peter politely answered. “I have something to show you,” He tried hiding his confusion and almost-turned annoyance. “Okay,” he said. Peter reluctantly followed him once again. He furrowed his eyebrows as he saw the familiar infirmary and then related rooms after. He felt hope in his chest after seeing a sign reading ‘nursery’ on the door they were walking towards. Weird reaction in his opinion. “Why are you acting like this?“ With the key in his hand, Brenner unlocked the nursery door. He warned Peter to be quiet and signaled for him to follow. They walked past cribs, some of which were empty at the moment. They stopped in front of a particular one. Forgetting his usual calm mask, Peter’s eyes betrayed him; revealing his surprise once he recognized the infant laying in the crib. She was here at the lab’s nursery. The baby he saw delivered. His daughter. “I don’t understand...” Peter’s voice was quiet. “Why isn’t she with her mother?” He turned to look at Brenner. There were some things that Peter had missed out on learning, but even he knew it wasn’t ideal to remove an infant from their mother. Especially one hours old. “She’s... out of the picture now,” he answered vaguely. Peter didn’t know why he felt a pang of concern at hearing that. He glanced away and held back a frown. “Why did you bring me here?” He questioned. “I thought perhaps you’d like some more time with her, it’s only fair,” Brenner said. “Why is he acting like this?“ Peter thought. He knew there had to be some cruel motives at play, but he wasn’t sure how. He’d like to think after knowing the man all these years, he’d solved the riddle that was his mind. But there were still things he couldn’t figure out. Without thinking more, he said yes. Was he foolish to quickly accept? Probably. Did he care right then? No. He could deal with the consequences later. Brenner left without another word but showed the key in his hand; indicating that he’d be right outside the door. Peter scolded himself for the way he’d been acting; practically irrational. He snapped out of his self-deprecating thoughts once he heard the small noises coming from the newborn. Peter stared at her, noticing how dark her brown eyes were. A contrast to his pale blue eyes. But that didn’t mean he didn’t see any similarities between them. One thing that stood out to him was the shape of their noses were alike, among other things. Peter found himself cautiously and slowly reaching his hand out, almost as if he was afraid something would happen. He didn’t know why he wanted to; he could’ve stopped himself at any time, could’ve left the room early, but something compelled him to stay. Her tiny hand moved toward his fingers, and she grabbed them. Peter didn’t immediately move his hand away like he thought he would. “You’re interesting to me, and I’m not sure why...” He confessed. He could say how he truly felt at that moment. Who would even know? It’s not like she could tell anyone. And surveillance didn’t pick up audio. She made another tiny noise in response. He gently touched a bit of hair she had on her head. It felt soft and fuzzy to the touch. Peter was never the type of person to find things cute, except maybe spiderlings, depending on his mood. It came as a shock to him to get those similar feelings as a response to her. He tried convincing himself that it meant nothing. It was just his brain’s wired instincts to find her cute. Simple biology and science. So then, why did it feel like more than that? Despite all of his inner thoughts telling him not to, Peter went against them and carefully picked her up.

At first, he gently held her up and at arm’s length. She didn’t squirm like he thought she would. He had some experience holding infants before. Brief childhood memories of younger distant relatives came to mind. But it had been a long while, showed by how awkward he felt at first. Peter managed to get a proper hold of her. Luckily, she didn’t fuss once. In fact, she was quite quiet compared to other babies he’d been around before. She felt so small in his arms. Her brown eyes stared into his. He suddenly understood what people meant when they’d describe his stare as ‘intense’. “I guess we’re more alike than I realized...” He spoke. Peter never felt so conflicted in his life until now. Realistically, he knew he should feel nothing but resentment while looking at her. Bitterness at how she was a symbol of the lack of choice he had over his life. If he could call what he had a life. But he knew it was more complicated than that. She hadn’t asked to be there, and neither did he. That gave them an emotional kinship of sorts. None of this was her fault. He knew he should’ve despised her, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he felt a rare feeling of fondness. Peter sighed. “This is wrong, wrong and you know it.” He thought. At least, that’s what he had always taught himself. He couldn’t believe his own heart was betraying him. Human emotions and their ways. The soft feelings he felt increased when she had a tiny smile on her face. “You are going to get attached, stop before it’s too late.” Peter suddenly remembered he was on borrowed time when he heard Brenner talking with someone outside. He gently placed her back in her crib. “I guess this is a goodbye, for now, at least,” he said. His stare broke, and he glanced back up when he heard Brenner opening the door. Peter stood with his posture straight and his hands neatly folded, hoping he didn’t look too suspicious. “Your time is up, Peter,” Brenner said. “Yes, sir,” he murmured. As he followed Brenner out, he sneaked a glance over his shoulder at her one last time. He felt genuine disappointment when he saw her reaching her little hands out toward him.

---

Peter came back to visit a couple of days later on his own in secret. It was either a smart decision or a foolish one, or maybe somehow both. He was risking punishment by seeing her again, but somehow got the feeling that it was worth it. Perhaps he was going soft, or she just... influenced him. Peter had more important things to focus on than that. Being an orderly allowed him to have access to many keys. Despite not having a specific key to the nursery, Peter discovered one room he had access to, shared locks with it. He didn’t know if it was just coincidence or sheer luck, but he felt grateful either way. What was originally a second visit turned into multiple secret visits. He knew he was acting on impulse rather than straight-up logic, but something kept telling him to keep coming back. Peter would usually try to sneak away once people weren’t around. He had quickly learned her routine as well and would wait for when there wouldn’t be a nurse or nanny tending to her. Peter knew that physically, her health was their top priority, which eased some of the stress he had been experiencing. Worrying about someone other than himself originally felt foreign, but he was getting used to it. Most of the time, he’d visit her in the evening, right before she was supposed to sleep for the night. Peter couldn’t do much except observe her, but there would be times when he’d let his guard down more and just talk to her. He knew she obviously couldn’t say anything in response, but for some reason, it would calm him to talk about pointless stuff with her. Peter would mainly tell her about what he did that day, or about random facts about spiders while she would hold onto his hand. Occasionally if he was in a particularly bitter mood, he’d vent to her. He couldn’t remember the last time when he could genuinely speak his mind. Spending time with her significantly calmed him down. In fact, it quickly became his favorite part of the day. So at least there was an actual benefit to this and not just... wholesome feelings. That’s how he tried to justify it in his mind. Besides the one-sided conversations, he’d watch her sleep. Sometimes she didn’t feel real to him, which he knew didn’t make any sense. Especially since he always watched the slow rise and fall of her breathing. Recently, Peter had gotten a strange feeling that something would happen to her. It almost made him paranoid. What if Brenner decided to do something to her? Take her away somehow. Peter would never admit it, but over time, he had become protective over her. As he kept coming back to visit, the worried voices in his head quieted down. Nothing had happened so far. Maybe it was all in his mind.

---

As per usual, Peter snuck away to the nursery. He slipped the key into the doorknob and unlocked it. Peter walked in and closed the door as quietly as he could. He made his way to his usual place by her crib. He froze. She wasn’t in her crib. He felt that dreaded feeling in the pit of his stomach. After a somewhat stressed search with no results, he froze again. It was like she had never even existed. All evidence of her being there was gone. No explanations. He knew she had been real. Peter saw her birth, he saw her sleeping in her crib; he held her in his arms. He hadn’t imagined any of it. His mind raced, looking for an explanation when it finally found one. “Brenner must have moved her elsewhere...” Peter’s thoughts began to spiral. Had Brenner found out about him seeing her again? If so, how long did he know? How long did he let it go on? He bit his lip and fidgeted with his hands. “Why are you getting upset? You knew this could happen, would happen.” “You were warned this whole time, it’s your fault for ignoring the signs.” “Never should’ve gotten attached in the first place.“ “This was the punishment all along.“ “You, are a fool, Henry.” He felt his heart sink. Not having any choice, Peter sighed and left the room in silence. He ignored how his throat stung from holding back any tears.

---

After the incident, he’d still check to see if somehow she would be back where he’d last seen her. Peter stopped coming back to the room once he realized she wouldn’t return. He would’ve tried searching for her elsewhere. Realistically there had to be other nurseries somewhere else, hidden from him, but Brenner had been keeping a close eye on him. With Brenner keeping him on a tight leash, it felt impossible. Sometimes at night while he would be sleeping, his mind would dream about her. There were times occasionally when he didn’t want to wake up and face reality, but he was forced to. Despite time passing, Peter never once forgot about her. Deep down, he hoped they’d be able to see each other again; one day.

[punemy-spotted]

The Price You Pay Chapter 4: Breach

Pairing: Mob!Steve Rogers x Reader, Senator!Andy Barber x Reader

Warnings: Rape/Non-Con elements, Dub-Con, Dark!Fic, Abuse of Legal System, Murder, Character Death (minor, possibly major), Love Triangle, Political AU, Mafia AU, Workplace Sexual Harassment, Abuse Mentions, Possessive/Obsessive Characters, Other Chapter-Specific Warnings May Apply, Possible Dead Dove: Would Not Eat

Chapter Warnings: Angst; Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse; Betrayal; Lies; F!Reader’s Age Kind of Finalized; Specific Reference to Age; Blackmail; Crying; Slight Panic Attack; Dead Dove: Do Not Eat

Chapter Summary: Even the truth can’t set you free.

Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3

Notes: And we’re back to pain. My outline got derailed for this chapter so bear with me, sometimes revelations need to be hammered in. No smut here for now but I also needed to get this arc finished so I can start on the next.

Also I know I keep jumping forward — I swear I will write about their relationship growing.

Thank you all for reading and commenting! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated, even if you’re yelling at me.

Not beta-read, these sins belong to me and me alone.

All of my work is 18+ Only, Minors DO NOT INTERACT. I do not consent to my work being posted anywhere besides Tumblr or Ao3 and I post my work there myself. Do not copy, translate, or repost any of my content.

The air is…

Shifted.

Shifted enough that the whole office notices, avoids yours, avoids the glare Steve Rogers fires at them the moment they approach the door, avoids your eye. Shifted enough that you miss the before, the pressure of his presence demanding your attention, the smugness in his endless eyes you denied looking at.

Shifted.

Counsel.

What?

We need to talk.

Is that not what you’ve been avoiding doing all morning, Captain?

You swear you can hear his molar crack in the dead silence, but your eyes never flit upwards from the contract you’re poring through, red pen in hand.

Focus.

It’s a job, this life, and this is a part of it, the presence of him, the pressure of him. It’s a job, and he calls on you to do your duty and you do but no one has ever asked you to be kind and no one has ever asked you to smile as you bear it so you don’t.

It’s a job, this life, and this is a part of it.

You. Are a part of it.

Counsel.

It’s a bark, an order, an annoyance and you shouldn’t let his stubborn fury be the thing that derails you. This is your domain. Your palace of glass and steel, remember? New York buzzes behind you and you surge forward on the tightrope of his affections, teetering dangerously close to his temper and always, always daring him to pull you down.

Try it again.

Fine, with a sigh and a setting down of your papers, You’re closer to the door.

And in your defense, he is, seated on your couch as stiff as a board, scrolling through his phone on occasion and — previously, at least — deftly ignoring your inquiries about the status of his office and why he needs to spend his morning in yours.

He fixes you with a look you do not name and proceeds to stand anyways. The door clicks shut and stays that way — both of you have learned.

Do you still talk to him?

Excuse me?

The Senator. Are. You. Still. In. Contact.

He spreads out every word like an accusation and every word turns you a little colder. You’ve been avoiding this. Avoiding him, distracted by work, the both of you but now you are back in each other’s orbits and this…

This cannot be avoided.

I haven’t spoken to him beyond to tell him I returned home safe that night.

Not. For lack of wanting.

If he’s hurt you, just say the words.

There’s nothing you can say.

It’s been a week. Almost two.

He’s been kind, stayed away, kept his distance but that… that will not last. Only as long as whatever conference has his office busy and then you know what comes next and then you know what comes after.

The bruising may have faded but the memories remain, after all.

They always do.

Steve Rogers is not Andy Barber, is not warm-eyed concern or a soft-voiced invitation, is not trying to save you from the horrors you cannot name, is not to be trusted but Andy Barber is also not Steve Rogers, is not exactly the man you expect, is not the answer to your dilemma, is not the devil you know and you…

Are still testing your wings.

Get up.

Get up and walk away from the prison of your desk, see how far you can get before you shackle yourself to your own ambition. Get. Up.

Blue eyes watch you like he’s calculating the next angle of his attack and technically you know that’s exactly the case but let’s pretend a moment he doesn’t have his claws out and you aren’t trapped in a cage for him to batter.

Delude yourself into the power you think you have, and keep him there, across the room where he cannot show you how effortlessly he strips you of it and how deeply you enjoy it.

Don’t.

You may be in bed with the mob but you are not asleep to his crimes and this is just an interim, a plan, a moment.

You stood me up, Counsel. After we made our deal.

It was a week ago and you ever-so-kindly taught me my lesson — don’t wince as you speak, don’t let him know you remember, don’t let him think you actually learned from his hand, hard against your body.

He hasn’t since, after all.

He says your name.

He says your name and your blood runs cold and you freeze by the coffee machine you keep in your office and you turn. Senator Barber is a friend.

A dangerous friend. I won’t even ask if you know his stance on —

On the Syndicate? Oh I know. I know who he shakes hands with.

Then you know why I’m asking.

Are you loyal?

Are you?

Is it loyalty that keeps you here?

Don’t let your hands shake when you look at him. Don’t let him see the slide of your eyes, the glance outside, the wondering how long before your window would be a portal and that tightrope would snap.

You are not a fool.

This. Is not loyalty.

I keep to my ethical duties, Captain.

You’re sleeping with your boss.

Oh that one makes you laugh, sharp and cruel and you do look at him then, fix your eyes onto him and raise an eyebrow and watch. All that power, all that smugness, wrapped up in one body and how does he contain it, do you know?

I believe the actual term is serving at your pleasure.

It’s back to the game, the dance, the ruse, the steps you take around each other, the blades he digs into your chest the reminders he gives you you are a whore you are a whore you are a whore and you lift your chin up, dare him to look at the bruises his lips leave on your skin and ask him in the silence and what will you do about it.

You could hate him. You do, technically. You hate that you could love him in the early hours of the morning, when his eyes seek you out and soften at the reminder you’re still here. You hate that his invasive presence in your office is a shield as much as it is a virus, a comfort in the silence and you hate most of all that the way he looks at you with that open desire women might normally have just dreamed was possible makes you want to return it.

You hate that he is dangerous. That he has bound you to him like this, chained you to the idea of his warmth and that there is a sick sort of safety in the binding.

You hate that he looks at you now with something like hope, with something like obsession, with something like vulnerability and you hate that it strips you of that cold armor as effortlessly as his hands strip you of your resistance.

And he could hate you too, in the whispers he leaves on your shoulders when he thinks you’re asleep. He could hate that you are soft, that you are sweet on his tongue that you…

Are his.

Could hate that he has thought of nothing else but the very theory of your betrayal and you know none of these things but his eyes are not so inscrutable as he thinks and so—

He twists the knife.

I talked to your Judge, by the way.

You did what?

You heard me. Interesting conversation.

Excuse me?

You really sold yourself to me for a lover’s spat, Counsel? I thought you were better than that — woman of the law and all.

A lover’s spat? That’s what he told you?

Just what would you call it, if not that?

He’s daring you, back to somewhere between smug and angry, as if disappointed you made him waste his time and all you can do is feel your heart sinking, feel yourself back in that place again, the decade-long sting of control over your body, the painful reminder of the girl you once were.

Where is he?

Did you think I’d clean up your dirty laundry for you? I’m not a breakup counselor, and you nee—

You left him alive!? The panic in your voice is so palpable it stops him in his tracks all over again, suspicious and surprised and you step back to reach for something — steady yourself steady yourself steady yourself you are not safe you are not safe you are not safe.

I’m not killing your ex-boyfriend without a good reas—

I was nineteen!

The world tilts, shifts, your knees are buckling, that’s tears in your eyes and you.

Are that girl again.

Too small, too scared, too naive to know better, too easy to mold and break and manipulate and you promised you’d never be her again, you promised you’d get her justice and you promised it wouldn’t be like this over and over again, promised he wouldn’t sink his fangs into you a third time.

What? He sounds smaller. Or is it faraway? You are too busy trying to stand, trying to still the shaking of your hands, the cold chill in your veins, too busy feeling your knees surrendering, too busy sliding to the floor and staring blankly into your memory.

Counsel. What. Did. You. Say. He repeats himself, and then he’s crouching before you, holding your chin in his hand and when did you start having tears on your cheeks for him to wipe away?

I was nineteen, you repeat, blank and broken, not seeing his brow furrow, not seeing the regret flash over his expression, I didn’t want it. I never wanted it.

What are you saying, sweetness? How dare he sound so soft? How dare he sound like he actually cares, when he’s the reason you’re here, on this floor, barely resisting your breakdown yet again?

You know better.

I was nineteen, a third time, I needed a job, something to give me experience, and he — he used me. That was my experience.

He’s starting to understand, but it doesn’t matter to you, not when you’re staring too far into the past, into a sneering face and cruel hands.

(I can ruin you or I can help you, Intern, so you make your choice. You need me.)

It never stops. Not after the first time — but you know that.

But you know that. That’s your knife, the one you twist into his chest and the realization sinks in heavy as an anchor, the thing he’s done.

The thing he’s done to you.

So why wait until now?

I would have waited forever.

You hid the letter. Hid it well enough even he wouldn’t have found it rifling through your things. Hid the threat in those typewritten words and the casual signature swept across the stationary, unaffected.

Men like him never face consequences. Only you, only the women they make use of, the ones they turn into commodities for their enjoyment. Who would care if you’d made it public, if you showed the world the kind of man he was — he was appointed for life, he was friends with the Governor, he was powerful and you were never going to be strong enough.

(You wouldn’t want anyone in the District Attorney’s office knowing just the sorts of things you’re willing to do to get your way. I can still help you be an exceptional lawyer, Intern.)

What are you? Ambition and drive and skill but what does it all mean when it can be reduced to plaything and pet project and whore.

I helped him get appointed. He helped me get into law school. Introduced me to… To Andy Barber, who calls you Sunshine and watches out for you and comes to New York despite having no power in the state just to see you again because he worries, because he cares.

You pay.

And sometimes that payment bounces back.

You pay and you pay and you pay and you struggle but what is the culmination of your strife is it the sight of you finally broken on the floor, is it the moment he’s been waiting for, dragged off your pedestal why couldn’t he have left well enough alone didn’t he know the horse was for your protection and not his pride?

No.

They never do.

They never do, do they, always so wrapped up in themselves and even now he kneels in front of you and wipes your tears but he has no words to say to atone for what he’s done and you know he can never.

I need you to leave.

The words come out without your control.

You know what you are. You are fury made flesh and you will not be manipulated again, not by the pressure of his hands on your face, not by the way he almost hugs you, he lied he lied he lied he lied.

Sweetness…

No. You don’t get to call me that. Not anymore.

You could have tolerated it. You could have accepted it you could have let yourself become the prize he took, owned his defeat by defeating you, you might even have enjoyed it but no.

No.

I held up my end of the bargain.

[gentlemancowboy]

#remind me to tell you about the time I brought up spn in conversation with a coworker before I was REALLY into it #and then the inevitable insane fallout of that convo I'M ASKING

Oh boy, okay anon, this got long because I don’t know how to be succinct, but you asked for it so here we go.

(the following recounting is posted with permission)

Let me set the scene: March 2020, the world is thrust into wide-spread lockdown due to the novel coronavirus. Cue me starting Supernatural for the first time because “what else is there to do?” I knew nothing about the show. 

Zip. Zilch.

I ended up mentioning it during a Zoom work happy hour when we were talking about shows we were watching. The following is the first instance of Supernatural conversation with said coworker:

That was pretty much it for a couple months. But don't worry, it gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective).

Putting the rest below the cut because... it's long.

The next notable moment was coworker deciding to do a rewatch (they had previously watched up to s7).

Thus began us texting our reactions to the show. I’ll include some notable moments.

I was NOT initially a casgirl, though I do think the fact that OTHOAP was the turning point for me says a lot. Please note coworker’s casual response to this (this will be important later).

At some point, someone mentioned the term “Destiel” to me. I can’t remember when. But I was aware it was a thing. Now here’s where things pick up. These texts were all a few weeks apart.

I think it was at this point that Lie #1 was revealed that coworker had been way more into the show when they first watched it then they initially let one. Like fully on fandom Tumblr and LiveJournal and stuff. It’s fine. No harm. We came to the understanding that, “oh okay we’re both not normal about this, this is now a safe space.” Also funny side note: we at one point had a group chat with ANOTHER coworker but very quickly realized we were so far beyond where they were so we stopped talking to them about it.

We continued spiraling more and more. Coworker eventually ended up getting 4 seasons ahead of me in their rewatch. They broke the news about Destiel going canon to me, though at that point I was still on s11. Sharing some of those texts because our speculations were… well…

Sick and twisted.

Anyway, we finished the show, I signed back up for Tumblr in January 2021 after 7 years away, I start making gifs, reading fics. I see people talking about 4lw, don’t know what it is, ask coworker about it to which they said “never heard of it.” Lie #2. A couple months later they revealed that they read it way before I did. Fine. I get it. If you’ve read it, you know. Sort of a weird topic of conversation for coworkers. Moving on.

At this point, I’m now just fully in the fandom. Making gifs, writing fic, making amvs. The whole nine yards. I thought I had fully spiraled past where coworker was in terms of fandom involvement. Well…

October of 2021, they disclose that they had been writing Destiel fanfic since November 2020 (stream something suddenly everywhere).

And that’s pretty much it. We’re no longer coworkers but we remain very good friends that still don’t know how to shut up about this show.

I have a lot more hilarious anecdotes but this is already long enough.

[a-crimson-lion]

“It Makes Me Wanna Keep Him At Arm’s Length” An Overview On Katsuki Bakugo’s Development

[I should by no means be the one writing this analysis, but here we are. Obviously it’s an overview on Katsuki’s character development, but there’s a bit more to it than that. Keep reading if you want the details.]

Table of Contents

i) Prologue

I) A Brief Explanation

II) The “What The F*** Is Your Existence” Phase

II.A) Breaking The Barriers

III) The “I Can’t Let You Get Ahead Of Me” Phase

IV) The “Why Don’t You Care About Yourself” Phase

V) Final Address+Conclusion

Word Count: 4415

[Warning: Contains manga spoilers up to Ch. 284. Will also include spoilers for the movies and OVAs, as well as the special Deku & Bakugo: Rising two-shot manga. Reader’s discretion is advised. Not scared off yet? Good. Let’s do this.]

i) Prologue

Alright, no beating around the bush, I guess.

We all know this has to deal with Ch. 284, and the milestone that came with it. We got a rare look inside Katsuki’s perspective, and we saw firsthand how much his perspective has changed from the start of the story. I don’t think we’ve ever gotten such an in-depth look into Katsuki’s psyche since Deku vs Kacchan 2. It’s honestly impressive.

...which is why I’m so confused by a certain kind of response to it.

When you look past the swarms of tumblr posts absolutely losing their s*** over Katsuki getting further character development, you come across an… admittedly troubling response. The idea that “Katsuki always cared.” The idea that as early as the Battle Trial, if not middle school, Katsuki was secretly keeping an eye out for Izuku in their tumultuous relationship.

...no. Just-. No, what the-

I’ll get to why this particular response pisses me off in a bit, but before that, I wanna give a run down of Katsuki’s development, according to the narrative. Anyone who’s been around my blog long enough knows that I don’t exactly hold Katsuki in good graces. (Pretty much the opposite, actually.) However, in light of recent developments, that’s not what this post is gonna be focusing on. And as such, I’ll keep the snark and branch conversations to a minimum… to the best of my abilities.

So… how are we gonna do this?

I) A Brief Explanation

After we finish this brief “tutorial” section, the next three segments of the post will cover the various time frames of Katsuki’s development. I’ll be going through a general rundown of Katsuki’s perspective and the various evidence points that lead me to my conclusions. It’s essentially a glorified retelling. Sound good? Alrighty then!

II) The “What The F*** Is Your Existence” Phase

Time Frame: Ch. 1-Ch. 116 [Sludge Villain Arc-Late Provisional Hero License Exam Arc]

In case the Prologue didn’t make things clear, let me spell it out: Katsuki didn’t always care.

At least, he didn’t “always care” in the positive sense.

To clarify, this isn’t just 3rd Year Middle School Katsuki to UA Katsuki. This is all the way back to the River Incident. Katsuki has had this mentality for that long and then some when you shift out of backstory territory. We’re talking about the same kid who nearly murdered Izuku in the Battle Trial, blasted Izuku to kingdom come in the Training of the Dead OVA, and decked Izuku during the Final Exams. So…

The following hinges majorly on the line Katsuki stated in Chapter 284, and the title of this analysis: “It makes me wanna keep him at arm’s length.” Contrary to popular belief, this does not just apply to the idea that Katsuki wants to stick around Izuku to keep him from destroying himself.

...it’s also a major contributor to the reason Katsuki bullied Izuku in the past.

So let’s backtrack to the River incident. Katsuki takes one wrong step on a log, slips, and falls down into the river below. Izuku is the only one that goes down to help him. This infuriates Katsuki because he was fine, as was said by him and everyone but Izuku that was present that day. This is also the first time Katsuki becomes aware of something he echoes in the Ch. 284 flashback:

“He just… Deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?”

This is Katsuki’s first run in with Izuku’s inherent selflessness. Initially, he takes it as pity; in his words, Izuku is “looking down on him.” And this bothers him a great deal. Then when it comes to Quirks, Katsuki gets one and Izuku doesn’t. This assures Katsuki of something he shortly discovered previously: Izuku isn’t all that special.

It’s a brief comfort. Because Izuku hasn’t taken the damn hint and stopped hanging out with him and his friends. The Quirked kids. The normal kids.

And worst still, he’s willing to get in Katsuki’s way just because someone else is in his line of fire. In the back of his mind, it’s the River Incident all over again, though he’s not being feared for; he’s being feared of. It’s all wrong. Deku isn’t strong like the rest of them. Deku can’t be a hero. Deku knows that.

...he knows that he doesn’t stand a chance, right? He knows how the world really works. Is he… is he putting on an act?

One of the few remarkable traits Katsuki has right from the get-go is his disdain against dishonesty. So, when he sees Izuku putting on a brave face and acting like a hero, and Katsuki decides that Izuku’s just “pretending,” Katsuki takes the matter into his own hands. He’ll get Izuku to show his true colors in due time. That’s what heroes do, right? Take down the bad guys? And Izuku faking about caring for others when everyone else clearly puts themselves first and foremost sounds pretty bad guy-like, at least at the time.

So, Izuku keeps on trucking, occasionally trying to join back up with Katsuki’s group on a near frequent basis. Even when that fails, he tries his damnedest to catch up.

But what many people forget is that at some point, Izuku stopped following, at least actively.

By Chapter 1, he’s making sure to keep from drawing attention to himself. He’s not as enthusiastic as everyone else in the class, he tries backing away from Katsuki and shrinking down on himself, tries defusing the situation. That doesn’t sound like Izuku’s still trying to keep up. Even in the special two-shot manga dedicated to Heroes: Rising, Izuku isn’t the one to draw attention to Katsuki’s presence. And even when he does go after Katsuki and the villain, his attention is more so focused on the villain, thoughts of staying out of Katsuki’s way to not offend him likely somewhere in his mind.

So then why does Katsuki keep antagonizing him in the first chapter of canon proper? And even before that, most likely?

“It makes me wanna keep him at arm’s length.”

...Izuku didn’t stop being Izuku. Izuku didn’t stop being selfless.

And his selflessness is what pisses Katsuki off to no end. So, he keeps pursuing Izuku, keeps trying to get him to “drop the act.” Makes him a “punching bag,” as Izuku states in Chapter 8. Because the way things work, Izuku should not be trying to be a hero. He should not be trying to put on a brave face when he’s scared s***less. He should not be sticking his neck out for others when he doesn’t (or rather, didn’t) have anything to stick up for himself.

Katsuki was born with something that made everyone consider him prime hero material. Izuku was born without that, and was considered the opposite… and yet, he still tries.

And this character trait, this selflessness, it drives Katsuki insane. And it continues to do so well beyond the Battle Trial Arc. Even when Katsuki is able to begrudgingly accept that Quirkless Deku has a Quirk now, somehow, his selflessness continues to bring Katsuki grief. While it’s never inherently brought up, this is the dividing factor between Izuku’s fight against Shoto in the Sport’s Festival and Katsuki’s fight with Shoto in the Sport’s Festival.

Izuku was willing to go all out at the cost of himself just so Shoto could accept what was his. Katsuki just wanted a good brawl, to be the undisputed first place.

This even continues well into the Final Exams, though the fact that Katsuki is running high on arrogance and anger does nothing to soothe matters. It takes a deck to face and later an explosive kabedon wall smash to get Izuku and Katsuki working together, and let’s not forget that when Izuku was trying to get Katsuki to realize they were still fighting All Might, regardless of whatever handicaps he may or may not have, he gets decked in the nose for his efforts. While it’s technically a subtler play on Izuku’s selflessness and concern for others, Katsuki likely took it as further mockery, another attempt for Deku to try and get under his skin and throw him off.

In any case, throughout this time period, Katsuki cares f*** all for Izuku or his philosophy, opting to brute force things up until the very end of the time frame. But what causes the eventual shift?

II.A) Breaking The Barriers

A number of things, actually.

None of the proceeding events ever do a clean cut on Katsuki’s worldview. It’s more like chiseling through a wall than breaking it down with a hammer.

The Sludge Villain is the first hint that Izuku might not be faking and Katsuki might not be at the top. While many claim that Katsuki leaves Izuku alone because he feels indebted to him but doesn’t want to admit it, it’s more than likely that he’s more focused on his own self-loathing. This incident is what defines him for a good chunk of the series, to his chagrin.

The Battle Trial is just another nail in the eventual coffin. Katsuki thinks he’s finally got Izuku right where he wants him, only for Izuku to pull a 500 IQ play and prioritize the exercise over his and Katsuki’s squabbles, taking the brunt of Katsuki’s attack and attention while giving Ochako the opportunity to capture the bomb. That look of frustration is Katsuki realizing that not only did Izuku get ahead, he got ahead with the very thing Katsuki despises. Needless to say, it f***s with him well until the aftermath outside of UA’s gate.

Shoto refusing to use his flames is another chip off the marble that is Katsuki’s pride. It reinforces the idea that Izuku is doing something that Katsuki isn’t, something that Izuku shouldn’t have in the first place, beyond a Quirk at least. So, Katsuki rages, because he can’t understand why it’s such a big deal, in both Izuku’s and Shoto’s cases.

The Final Exams just hammer the point home further. Katsuki’s one-track minded attempts to bring down All Might are met with no results. He would have failed that exam if it wasn’t for Izuku’s selflessness or Katsuki “lowering himself” to cooperate with him. Had Katsuki not gotten decked in the face and dragged off or got saved at the last minute while he was knocked out, he definitely would have failed on account of becoming a liability.

The Training Camp attack is an odd mix of Katsuki’s current philosophy and the next stage in it. He knows Izuku’s gonna go and save his ass, and he wants no part of that because hasn’t he made him suffer enough already? Hasn’t he already proved time and time again that he’s getting better, despite the fact that Katsuki doesn’t want or believe it? Despite the fact that it shouldn’t even be happening if things were right in the world? Izuku does recognize Katsuki’s wounded pride, however, which is instrumental in getting him out of All For One’s clutches during Kamino.

If we briefly direct our attention to the Make It! Do-Or-Die Survival Training! OVA, Katsuki is pretty adamant on claiming he only got the power back on in the underground mall to complete the exercise. And I don’t think that’s Katsuki’s “tsundere” talking, either: I genuinely believe that Katsuki’s only thoughts at the moment was getting the exercise done. Everyone else was just secondary. And remember, Katsuki hates dishonesty, which is probably why he doesn’t take credit for “saving” Izuku and Shoto. While his actions did save the two of them and everyone else in the mall, that wasn’t his intention, which is an interesting flip on Izuku’s performance back in the Battle Trial. Couple that with the fact that Katsuki is injured (and therefore weak, and in need of help), and it’s no wonder he’s in a sour mood towards the end of it all.

And this sour mood carries over to the final nail in his coffin: the Provisional License Exam. He only gets by the first half because other people had the sense to tag along, but the second half regards his undoing because he still doesn’t get the whole selfless aspect of saving people in the second half of the exam. This was also foreshadowed back in the aforementioned OVA with Katsuki’s excessive animosity towards the victim dummy. Whether they be real or fake, Katsuki’s disregard of either victim doesn’t grant him his hero license.

This is the straw that breaks the camel's back for Katsuki. And ultimately, this sparks the start in his shift to the second phase of his development.

III) The “I Can’t Let You Get Ahead Of Me” Phase

Time Frame: Ch. 117-~Ch. 257 [Late Provisional Hero License Exam Arc-Early Paranormal Liberation War Arc]

Since this is only the second phase of Katsuki’s development (and given that this is Katsuki we’re talking about), don’t expect to get much of an upgrade with this shift.

Essentially, it boils down to two things: Katsuki stops viewing Izuku as an annoyance, and starts viewing him as an obstacle. Simultaneously, he starts seeing the viability of saving, at least as a tool in a hero’s kit.

Let me explain.

While Deku vs Kacchan 2 is the first time Izuku and Katsuki have attempted to talk out their issues… not much gets addressed. Sure, Katsuki becomes aware of Izuku not looking down on him, but Izuku is never made aware of the deeper issues regarding Katsuki’s loathing beyond that. It primarily serves as a half-barebones narrative checkpoint, a segway for Katsuki to get in on the secret of One For All.

...let’s also talk about that, shall we?

So Izuku’s been getting better as a hero and with his Quirk. Then Katsuki finds out after he gets kidnapped and rescued that Izuku is the successor to their mutual idol. And that’s after essentially being told he can’t be a hero in his current state due to the PLE. And what is his usual response to adversity? He decides to get ahead of it.

He’ll surpass Class 1-A so there won’t be another Battle Trial. He’ll surpass Izuku and One For All so he can truly claim that he’s the best of the best.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see more of this development until the Joint Training Arc. However, keep in mind that this is only the second stage. Katsuki wants to prove that he’s the best, so of course he’s gonna step up his game. That means taking advice from the LITERAL (former) #1 HERO, and making the victory as flawless as possible. After all, Katsuki himself said in Chapter 208:

“I’ve decided! We’re gonna win this match with a perfect victory! 4-0, with everyone unscathed! That’s the kind of victory there is for the strongest guys out there!”

...it might be a slight exaggeration when he says he’s hardly changed at the end of that chapter, but then again it is a stretch to even call it an exaggeration.

That aside, Katsuki also makes it part of his agenda to keep tabs on OFA. This would fit into the “Katsuki secretly cares” agenda, but we haven’t reached that point. Right now, in these moments, Katsuki figures that if One For All starts getting freaky, he wants to know about it so he can get a leg up. And maybe part of him still wants to call Izuku out.

He was minorly ticked when Izuku allowed himself to make a mistake during their unauthorized fight. And he constantly reminds Izuku to not forget that he’s supposed to surpass him (or the other way around).

Taking off the rose-colored glasses for a moment, it does make sense for Katsuki to say this beyond the context of positive motivation. We are talking about the same Katsuki who lashed out at Shoto for holding back. It’s reasonable to assume that he doesn’t want Izuku to do the same, and lagging behind more or less equates to holding back.

And Katsuki still isn’t completely invested in Izuku’s training for Izuku’s sake. After the Joint Training, Katsuki tries getting Izuku to manifest Black Whip again, and nopes out shortly afterwards when nothing comes of their sparring sessions in Chapter 217. This still isn’t the Katsuki we see in the 284 flashback. He’s still got a ways to go.

Yes, this even rings true for Katsuki during Heroes: Rising. While the film might be the ultimate Bakudeku dream come true, there really isn’t… much depth in regards to Izuku and Katsuki’s past. Y’know, the thing that most people are hoping gets resolved? It only gets referenced a few times in the film, but doesn’t overall factor into anything meaningful. Most of the time when Izuku and Katsuki team up, Katsuki only gets to the fight because he wants to throw hands with villains on an island where (if the status quo had remained unchanged) was likely selected because it had little to no serious villain activity. It just so happens that protecting and working with Izuku is an unintended byproduct of these fights. Katsuki even drops the infamous “lowering myself to work with Deku” line just before the big climax. And even with the transfer of OFA to Katsuki, it strikes less as overcoming a longstanding obstacle and more as plot convenience, especially since by the end of the fight OFA nopes back into Izuku so hard that Katsuki gets mind wiped about the whole thing.

Even during the Endeavor Arc, we don’t see much growth beyond the Ending fight, where Katsuki prioritizes saving Natsuo over throwing hands like he usually would, learning to take saving as more than a tool. This is significant considering it’s Katsuki, but unfortunately, there’s not much else thereafter. The entire arc won’t get referenced as an overall stepping stone until Ch. 284.

And thus, we head to the final phase.

IV) The “Why Don’t You Care About Yourself” Phase

Time Frame: ~Ch. 257-Ch. 284 [Early Paranormal Liberation War Arc-Paranormal Liberation War Arc (Present)]

So here’s an interesting tidbit: Katsuki can’t handle nonphysical confrontation.

Leave him with the fact that his kidnapping could have gotten most of the class expelled because they decided to go rescue him or avoided such while knowing of the operation? He’ll pay back Eijiro for the expensive night vision goggles and make Denki suffer Quirk overuse so he doesn’t need to be reminded.

Get stuck in the middle of a Todoroki Family Drama scene? He’ll try bragging about how he did better than the current #1 Hero to attempt curbing off the situation.

Put him in a discussion with Izuku where they address his additional Quirk manifestations and the full weight of his potential/legacy? Katsuki will brag about having a skill already in his toolkit to ignore the fact that he has the potential to fall behind.

This defines the earlier days of this phase. We don’t see what happens in the timeframe between that and the start of the War Arc until the Chapter 284 flashback. I believe that during the gap between 257 and this flashback, Katsuki allowed himself to process the full weight of what he and Izuku were told during that meeting.

And this marks one of his biggest revelations to date.

Izuku’s selflessness is no longer something annoying. It’s a potential fatal flaw.

For the first time, it’s hitting Katsuki that Izuku is no longer an obstacle, or just an obstacle. Izuku is a person who is working himself to the bone and past that, who would die at the drop of the hat if he thought the payoff was well worth it. He’s finally starting to see that what Izuku is doing to himself is dangerous, and he wants to know what he can do to prevent the serious ramifications.

This is a big phase in his development, no doubt, but um… it’s not the last phase.

If I’m being honest, we’re nowhere close. Why? Well, two reasons:

A) Katsuki still has yet to properly take a loss.

Any and all of Katsuki’s losses are either in his head or narratively negated. And his disproportionate win/loss ratio doesn’t do him any favors either. He’s culminated a philosophy that he can’t and shouldn’t lose, but losing is a crucial aspect of improvement and being human in general. In the case of the story, Chapter 275 suggests that Katsuki wants to face off against Tomura as payback for Kamino. He essentially wants to extend the narrative and treat that loss like a delayed win, as if the loss hadn’t happened yet. Many people claim that this is a bluff he used to cover his true intentions of keeping an eye on Izuku, but I don’t think that’s the case. While sticking by Izuku is a contributing factor, getting a win is equally so, because Katsuki hasn’t properly adjusted to a loss. His strategy for dealing with any kind of loss is just to bulldoze through it like nothing happened, instead of taking the time to understand why he lost and to apply that knowledge for future encounters.

Be aware of your surroundings during the Sludge Villain.

Focus on your priorities and communicate with others during the Battle Trial.

Don’t ignore the situation just to focus on your own intentions during the Training Camp attack.

HELP PEOPLE during the Provisional License Exam.

There are so many lessons Katsuki could have learned sooner if he had taken the time to properly digest his losses. But he didn’t. He still doesn’t. He might have learned some of them eventually, but the fact remains that he nearly ran head first into a suicide mission just because he couldn’t take the loss and was dead set on getting even.

And keep in mind, Katsuki was lamenting on struggling to keep up with Izuku earlier before their encounter with Tomura, and how he couldn’t afford to stay a loser, so this is likely less far-fetched than you think.

Okay, so then what’s the second reason Katsuki’s development is far from over?

B) He hasn’t fully connected the dots on what he did to Izuku.

So far, Katsuki has recognized that he was off-put by Izuku’s selflessness, and that he bullied him over that.

What he hasn’t recognized is how much of a role he played personally in that part of Izuku’s personality, or at least it’s present day incarnation.

Let me clarify a bit. Katsuki is aware that he was distrubed by Izuku’s selflessness. He is aware that bullied him and that, at some degree, was wrong. But I don’t think he’s quite connected the dots on how his intervention has led to Izuku’s current brand of martyrdom.

At the start of the series, Izuku just cares about others. After making sure he gets down to the river safely, he’s willing to lend a hand to Katsuki, who fell from a pretty concerning height ig we’re being honest.

But this unnerves Katsuki. And it leads to his physical altercations with Izuku from time to time.

Remember, Izuku followed Katsuki at the time, but somewhere down the line he stopped. But he never stopped being Izuku, so Katsuki continued to pursue him. Izuku had already been willing to give up in some degree on ever keeping up with Katsuki the way he used to. He knew, at some level, that he wasn’t accepted.

That he wasn’t worth as much as everyone else.

Katsuki bullied Izuku because he was selfless. But Katsuki’s bullying, coupled with the rest of society’s ostracization, twisted and warped that selflessness with low self-esteem, low self-worth, and self-destructive tendencies. Katsuki wasn’t the sole bully of Izuku, but he was a primary perpetrator. And his actions only made the very thing he despised so, so much worse.

...and until he can recognize THAT aspect of his relationship with Izuku, his journey is far from over.

So yeah, Katsuki’s making progress, but we’re still not out of the woods yet.

V) Final Address+Conclusion

So now for the obvious question: why did I write all of this?

I said it at the beginning, about how some people claimed that Katsuki cared all along. I brought up a bit about how it pissed me off. Why, exactly?

Because when people insist that Katsuki threatening Izuku to not go to UA comes from a place of concern, they disregard Chapter 1 Katsuki’s gigantic ego and utter disregard for others, much less so for Izuku.

Because when people insist that Katsuki’s shocked face at the end of the Battle Trial was because he was upset with how he hurt Izuku, they disregard the fact that Katsuki was willing to almost murder Izuku, and if not that then brutalize him, and that at this point Katsuki absolutely loathes getting shown up, which is what Izuku inadvertently did.

Because when people insist that Katsuki always cared from the very beginning, they (un)intentionally undermine one of the few things that draw people to Katsuki’s character: his character development.

On his own, Katsuki is an prodigious, antisocial and angry teen looking for fame and fortune in the industry who grows into a dedicated source of confidence and understanding as he finally allows himself to branch beyond his initial handicaps. If you insist that Katsuki always had the awareness and concern he displayed in 284’s flashback, what do you get instead?

A selfish, self-centered, fickle, emotionally-constipated asshole whose growth is more comparable to a ramp instead of a mountain.

...not as impressive, is it?

While I’m pretty sure this is just a minor trend, that doesn’t excuse the lack of care it demonstrates. If you aren’t willing to admit and live with the fact that Day 1 Katsuki is the worst of the worst and that he did progressively get better through trials and tribulation, why bother? When you insist a character like Katsuki was fine from the start, you take away part of what makes that character so endearing. If they were never an ass to begin with, then what the hell was their problem at the start, or even now? Why the hell would we condone that? It’s important to recognize character flaws and to give them their due, because seeing a character grown out of them is far more self-fulfilling and relatable than insisting that they were always in the right place from the start.

...but then again, that’s just me. Thanks for reading.

-Crimson Lion (20 September 2020)

[lamortexiii]

Cryptic Mystic: What’s Your Sign?

Many of us are fascinated by astrology and all things outer space related. The great unknown that is beyond the stars has been a hot topic for centuries. But, how did the zodiac begin? What makes astrological signs and the alignment of planets and stars so magical? Is it truly prophetic? Does your sign define your personality, past, present, and future? Or is this simply another product of the Barnum Effect?

So I’ll start by asking the obvious: “what’s your sign?” I’m a Leo through and through. While I’m skeptical about the claims of some astrological signs and their relation to my life on a daily basis, I do believe there is some truth here - as is with most things. This topic is one that I have been wanting to write about for some time now. I have always found outer space, stars, planets, etc. to be fascinating. As a child, I remember laying in the grass and watching the stars above me. In my little valley in the forest, I could see so many stars that wouldn’t be visible if I were in the city. I am so thankful I had that childhood experience of growing up somewhere where I could truly connect with nature and the simple things around me that most take for granted on a day-to-day basis. I still stargaze to this day, but I can’t see near as many as I once did in my childhood forest valley home. I’ve seen a plethora of shooting stars throughout my lifetime, two meteor showers, two solar eclipses, and plenty of unidentified objects that were likely satellites… or were they…?

One time when I was driving home from work late one night I saw something that befuddled me. As I drove down the winding 2 lane highway in the darkness of the night I saw what appeared to be a helicopter hovering right above the trees. Now, this area I was driving through was rural. There are few houses in those woods, but there are some. The backroads leading to the site where the “helicopter” was hovering are seldom traveled, especially this late at night. I began processing the event in my mind and questioning if it was a helicopter, why would it be hovering so low and what exactly would it be doing in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. It just didn’t make sense. I thought about logical explanations and could only come up with one. There is the slim possibility that someone driving on one of the many backroads in that area may have got into an accident and was getting airlifted to a hospital. I’ve seen it happen before on backroads near there. Aside from this idea, I had nothing. By this point, I had obviously slowed down so I could get a better look. Hell, there wasn’t any traffic so it’s not like I was worried about causing an accident or anything. As I looked closer I noticed it wasn’t a helicopter at all. There were about 4-6 large bright lights shining down below the area that the craft was hovering over. The circumference of this craft was much wider than a helicopter - more circular. The lights were far too big and far too bright. Whether it was fear, shock, tiredness, or my stomach growling, I continued to drive on and leave the peculiar scene behind. Now, I know this has nothing to do with astrology or zodiac signs, but it is an interesting story nonetheless. 

In reference to zodiac signs, I find that descriptions of a Leo with my particular birthdate are genuinely pretty accurate when describing my personality and conflicts. However, the daily horoscopes are definitely not accurate in my experience. I will say that when I read/listen to them I try to apply something positive from the reading to my daily life. I engage in a deeper thought process and practice mindfulness throughout the day, keeping that positive focus within my mind on the positive message I am supposed to be implementing into my day. I have also found that compatibility readings have been somewhat inaccurate as far as certain zodiac signs getting along or not getting along with other zodiac signs. The biggest obvious red flag for me is how many different sources there are. And guess what? They all say something different on the daily. If zodiac signs and horoscopes are supposed to be accurate, then why don’t all individuals who report them online all say the same thing - or at least something similar?? To play devil's advocate here, I did say earlier that I believe there is some truth to all of this, which is why it interests me so much and also why I believe in this stuff to a degree. There is a lot of magical and wondrous history to unpack in regards to the zodiac and horoscopes. So, let’s jump right in, shall we?

Interesting fact: the word zodiac is derived from Greek terminology meaning “circle of little animals.” We’re a circle of little animals - cute visuals there, eh? Hieroglyphs in Egypt dating as early as the 14th century BC were found to contain a circle of decans (constellations) depicting something that looks a lot like the constellations and zodiac symbols that we know today. In total there were 36 decans found within the temple.

During the first half of the first millennium, Babylonian astronomers created our modern zodiac. They also mapped the previous constellations that were seen in the Egyptian hieroglyphs but continued to add more as they were discovered. In the last half of the 5th century, the Babylonian astronomers divided the many constellations into 12 equal "signs” to represent the 12 months of the year at 30 days per month. Each sign contained 30° of celestial longitude, thus creating the first known celestial coordinate system. According to calculations by modern astrophysics, the zodiac was introduced between 409 and 398 BC and probably within a very few years of 401 BC. Unlike modern astrologers, who place the beginning of the sign of Aries at the place of the Sun at the vernal equinox, Babylonian astronomers fixed the zodiac in relation to stars, placing the beginning of Cancer at the "Rear Twin Star" (β Geminorum) and the beginning of Aquarius at the "Rear Star of the Goat-Fish" (δ Capricorni). Due to the precession of the equinoxes, the time of year the Sun is in a given constellation has changed since Babylonian times, the point of vernal equinox has moved from Aries into Pisces. 

You’ll be pleasantly surprised, intrigued, or disgusted to know that all of this does have some roots within religion. The Hebrew Bible shows knowledge of the Babylonian zodiac. E. W. Bullinger noted that the drawings found in the book of Ezekiel were quite similar to the middle four quarters of the zodiac (Lion/Leo, Bull/Taurus, Man/Aquarius, Eagle/Scorpio). You read that right, Scorpio is noted as being an eagle - not a scorpion. Some say that the twelve tribes of Israel are correlated with the zodiac signs found within the Hebrew 12 month calendar. There is an argument that the position of the Israelic tribes around the Tabernacle from the book of Numbers correlates with the exact order of the zodiac, with Judah, Reuben, Ephraim, and Dan representing the middle signs of Leo, Aquarius, Taurus, and Scorpio, respectively. It is shocking how I have heard religious people in modern times talk about how this is all a bunch of garbage, even though some of this is literally correlated with items from the Bible.

To explain daily horoscopes and the connection between the stars, planets, and our zodiac signs, you must engage in a bit of math (yuck). When planets and constellations of the zodiac would align, the Babylonian astronomers of that time would note the experiences that people had and found similarities. These experiences, along with the position of the Earth, Sun, Moon, and constellations and the positions relative to the zodiac signs were stored within a catalogue. This went on for several years and is essentially what began our modern-day daily horoscope. However, it is my personal opinion that a lot of these “professionals” who have their own magical websites where you can get a free daily horoscope, just make shit up to sound interesting. That is obvious by the previously mentioned differentials found within each page. I encourage you to do a quick Google search and you’ll see what I’m talking about. This ties into the belief that the Barnum Effect is in play here. You’ll remember the Barnum Effect from last month's blog. If you haven’t read the June 2021 blog The Imaginarium of Barnum, I suggest you head there next to get a deeper understanding of what I’m talking about before you continue reading. Much of what is broadcasted in daily horoscopes, zodiac sign descriptions, and even within mediumship and tarot readings is full of extremely vague generalities. Because the information is presented in such a vague and generalized way, it then becomes an instance where anyone could apply any of the information to their life in some way. So as you can see, there is some psychological manipulation at play here. Now, I am not saying this is true for all who present the information. I will say that there are A LOT of shams out there. I have seen far more fake sites/readings/etc. than I have seen legit ones. If I had to give a percentage from my personal experience, I’d say about 85% of what I’ve seen is bullshit. But you choose what you believe at the end of the day. I just ask you to keep an open mind and a wise eye about you when scanning the web for horoscopes, zodiac information, tarot, and mediumship. 

All of this information is interesting to stew on within your mind. I hope that you learned something new. I know I did when I was researching this topic for the blog. The religious ties were the most surprising thing to me. What did you find most interesting? Drop a comment under the blog on Tumblr or under the Instagram post for this month’s blog and let me know. Tonight if you are able, take a look at the stars and see if you can find the constellations. The plethora of shapes within the brightest stars are brilliant to gaze upon. Who knows, maybe you will find your zodiac constellation. Maybe you will depict a new constellation on your own by combining different combinations of stars. Or maybe you’ll see something that you can’t explain…

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch @psychvvitch

www.LaMorteXiii.com

[sprnklersplashes]

I posted 2,511 times in 2021

648 posts created (26%)

1863 posts reblogged (74%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 2.9 posts.

I added 2,769 tags in 2021

#we're what queued the dinosaurs - 1341 posts

#taylor swift - 234 posts

#doctor who - 221 posts

#my queen - 218 posts

#heathers the musical - 197 posts

#mean girls broadway - 149 posts

#áine for ts - 134 posts

#moffat for ts - 125 posts

#caos - 77 posts

#gilmore girls - 73 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#robin: so you have family issues? matti: yeah my parents are massive homophobes. robin: cool. mine were in a cult kind of and they killed me

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

In a Netflix original story, a blonde lesbian who previously tried to hide who she was and forced herself to date men finds freedom and the courage to be herself against the backdrop of a centuries old curse on a specific place that had caused the deaths of many people. These events lead to her being possessed by a demonic entity, much to the dismay of her dark-haired lover.

Am I talking about Fear Street or The Haunting Of Bly Manor?

351 notes • Posted 2021-08-11 10:15:12 GMT

#4

My villain origin story will be people who act like interracial m/f ships are on the same level as white m/f ships

535 notes • Posted 2021-07-17 14:23:34 GMT

#3

*looks at two people being in a happy, healthy, committed romantic relationship*

*smiles* I can’t wait to never have that

540 notes • Posted 2021-02-28 15:10:22 GMT

#2

The Gays™ and their inability to sit properly

1640 notes • Posted 2021-01-01 15:46:18 GMT

#1

I wanted to refrain from being overly-negative, and then spent some time trying to figure out what I wanted to say, but I need this out for my own sanity so  here goes.

Jodie Whittaker deserved better. She deserved better scripts, better characterisation, better stories. She deserved to be remembered not just for being the first female doctor, but for being the Doctor. She deserved better than such wishy-washy characterisation and for her incarnation to have been marked by conflicting and downright questionable morality. She deserved big iconic moments like Eccleston’s “Everybody lives”, Tennant’s “I’m the man who’s going to save your lives and all 6 billion planet on the people below”, Smith’s “Hello. I’m the Doctor.” and Capaldi’s “personally, I think that’s a hell of a bird”. She deserved actual relationships with her companions beyond the surface level “we’re friends now”. Relationships like the warm, bantering companionship of Ten and Donna, the blossoming, wound-healing friendship like Nine and Rose, the mentor/mentee relationship of Twelve and Bill, or the found family dynamic of Eleven and the Ponds. She deserved the darkness, depth, complexity and nuance that was afforded her predecessors, to go too far and have to be pulled back. She deserved to struggle, to not be right all the time, to fight and to almost give up, and after all that deserved to pull herself up and be brilliant, be mad, be the Doctor.

I will always love and appreciate Jodie for all she did. She gave everything to this role, and I just wish this role had given everything to her.

1792 notes • Posted 2021-08-03 22:25:48 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[gemmassong]

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

[killmebutneverinsultme]

Rules for mobile (Pinned Post)

The Code

This be now a private blog. Me mun is horribly pressed for time in life so partners are now only a few friends, including ones doubling up with Loki’s partners. Anyone is welcome to send me an ask but my apologies I cannot take on new partners. Ye have been warned. 

Replies are like to be slow, up to a few weeks at most.

Partners must be 18+. Various themes of an adult nature may be found here. Sexual things will be tagged ‘#filthy pirate’ with whatever level/variety of sin I deem them. More details below.

Behave. There shall be no rudeness, no passive aggression, no hate, no censorship or generally being a twit. Do I make meself clear?

Jack’s Thread Tracker: CLICK HERE

The Code - Extended (below the cut)

(The below part of this post can be considered archived as I am no longer accepting new partners for Jack at this time. This is now a private blog to write with a few close pals).

Updated: 14th May 2023

Hi, guys. I’m Pirate (oddly known as this long before I made Jack a tumblr). Here are my more detailed rules and guidelines for writing with me on this blog, though the absolute basics are at the top as, honestly, it’s never easy to remember everyone’s requirements.

I don’t need us to be mutuals (both following each other) for us to write together, but there is a greater chance of us having a partnership if we’re letting each other know we’re interested.

How I Roll

I note myself as ‘highly selective’. This isn’t to be an elitist bugger, it’s because we all only have a limited amount of time we can put in. I want to write what I enjoy with people I enjoy. I am married with two attention-seeking cats, two jobs, a slow-brewing intended writing career and a video game addiction.

Asks/Memes - I will usually answer these no matter who they are from but I may or may not turn them into a thread I intend to keep. Some memes are very much designed to be something that continues so context can be key. If you would like to know in advance whether I intend to answer and/or keep something, please do pop me a message and I will be kind and honest.

My Threads -  I have a rolling turn order that I generally adhere to (to the point that I can genuinely tell you who is next at any given moment) which combines my drafts from Jack and Loki’s blogs, which tends to take 1-2 weeks to get through everyone. Every partner gets one of their threads answered within that ‘round’ and then I go round again. Occasionally I’ll treat myself to spamming certain people or threads on a whim. I use rpthreadtracker.com to maintain what I have.

Threads that have had no response for more than 3 months will be taken off my tracker, so please get in touch if you want to pick something back up beyond that timeframe. That being said, I love to write with people who want to keep stories going either to a completion point or who will discuss a change-up rather than continually drop things or always start something new. Freshness has its merits but that feeling of incompletion dissatisfies me.

My Style - I will write in both past or present tense depending on partner preference. My default is past but I like either. Please kick me if I screw up and write the wrong one. I prefer using regular size font but I will make mine small on replies to people who use the smaller so that it looks neat. I will often match partners’ lengths and some formatting details e.g. bolding dialogue, but I struggle with doing novella-length posts for reasons below.

I have a bugbear to admit about role-play. What we call splicing. A good half of my partners write this way so I’m not about to tell everyone to stop but if you’re someone who does this, you will occasionally run into some frustrations when writing with me. ‘Splicing’ is when you retrospectively write dialogue or actions as having previously happened during your partner’s last post. These things are fine when they’re passive i.e. your character muttered them, thought them or you were writing what your character was doing at the time because that’s pretty much essential. The trouble comes usually when my characters talk a lot/ask rhetorical questions and partners choose to answer every single one despite the fact my character carried on talking. I know it’s an ass that I have talkative muses and you really want to respond to every point/get a word in, but putting words and actions into the past effectively godmods my muse into accepting they happened. If you feel your muse would have full-on interjected midway through their ramble, please ask me to edit my post/stop it at that point. Otherwise if you do prefer to splice, my muse will only respond to whatever it is your character did or said last in their post. This is one of the reasons I can’t write novella, because often there is only so much you can write before you’re stepping into the territory of changing what went before and not allowing your partner to do anything about it.

TL;DR don’t ever worry about your post being too short for me. If it’s one sentence long but it’s because something fast-paced is happening, I won’t be miffed.

Shipping! - no not that kind of ship, Jack. I love shipping. Ships all around. Let’s face it, romance can be one of the most exciting reasons we bother writing. I am open to a lot of ships for Jack, practically all of them. Yes, even that one. I will do downright nasty, toxic, horrible stuff, savvy? It’s fiction and Jack is a great indulgence for bad things happening to him as much as good. That said, of course don’t force something on him without prior agreement between us. Well, I mean, your muse can try and accost him and see what he does, just don’t expect him to definitely reciprocate. Jack and I are bi/pansexual. We’re open to everything. I will admit a heavy lean toward m/m but, that said, Jack is extremely fond of the ladies, more so than Loki. I am very into Sparrington especially.

Not Safe For Ye Olde Work

Sliding down from the above topic, I enjoy the occasional smutting. It is not a requirement from my partners. In fact, I’m warming very much to fading to black depending on the context/mood/if things feel a bit repetitive. I do feel a touch more comfortable with partners who don’t need that boundary but as I’ve recently figured ‘if it needs a cut, then it’s smut’ I know when to skip on.

Saucy material will go under cuts/Read More’s and be tagged as mentioned above with ‘filthy pirate’. Additional tags will be based on the citrus scale: ‘lime’ for general grabbing, ‘lemon’ for full on sexual content and ‘grapefruit’ if things get extra kinky. I will tag things such as ‘rape tw’ or ‘noncon tw’ or ‘dubcon tw’ where necessary. Please blacklist any or all of these at your leisure, or search them if you fancy :U I do NOT tag these as ‘ns.fw’ because tumblr just completely hides them from being searchable which is useless for my partners.

OC’s - Due to my time constraints I am extremely picky when it comes to OC’s. This is a good fandom for well-thought-out muses and I know firsthand how hard it is to make headway as an OC in the RP world. However, I also understand that for people like me, I want to dip in on this site to mostly play with the characters and worlds I’m really absorbed in and ship my weaselly black guts out. Some people have more time than others to really give your OCs the time and love they deserve. Unless I’ve played with you a long time and I really like the cut of your and your muse’s jib, it’s very unlikely I’ll bite. Apologies! The same goes for crossover muses from fandoms I’m unfamiliar with, but I will let you know if that’s the case.

Limits

Threads - I don’t have a strict limit on how many to have per person but please bear in mind that the more of these you have with me the longer it will take me to get to a particular one (unless I’m spamming it back and forth). This is more a mun/muse context how many I accept.

Exclusives/mains - I don’t do these although I may consider having a maximum of 3 or 4 of one muse depending on activity levels and to ensure plots don’t get mixed up or attention feel unfairly balanced.

Triggers/squicks - I don’t like body horror e.g. graphic detail of squishy bits having bad things happen to them. I’m writing a pirate so there’s absolutely allowed to be elements of torture/violence, just don’t stab him in the eye or chop bits off him. One torture-related thing sends me into a complete freakout which I’ll discuss with partners if we’re doing a thread of that ilk as needed. Kink-wise I’m not into mpreg, A/B/O or infantilism or toilet things. Just ask me/Jack if you’re after something XD

Who I Am/What I Need From You

Being yourself is the most important thing and I promise I am not a scary person (usually). We’re only human and it’s natural that we’ll get along better with some rather than others. This is more to give you a gist of the sort of person I am and who I gel with best.

So I’m a shy hermit at the best of times. I’m trying to be better at engaging and enthusing with partners over our threads because I realise more than ever this does keep things alive and make for a more enjoyable experience. I’m not always great at it. I work best with people who are patient and don’t worry too much on what I think of them and their writing, with people who are happy to keep threads going for the longhaul rather than keep dropping everything before I’ve had the time to get to the next post, and most especially people who accept that fiction =/= reality. I do need a certain level of quality, which doesn’t always mean perfect grammar, but it must be coherent, fun and creative. I like a relaxed approach, sharing mutual enjoyment in silly fantasy world sandboxes as escapism from (and exploration of) this complicated world we live in.

On Drama - Pirate gets a bit stern here

As briefly touched upon above I despise call-outs and censorship. Wherever possible I desire to avoid unnecessary squawking and mob-like behaviour. If you engage in too much drama (regardless of whose fault it is) I will unfollow you and/or cease playing with you. I’m not here for it. I loathe passive aggression and vague-blogging but I understand we’re only human and allow a few slip-ups now and again, particularly as I’m liable to have been guilty of it once or twice. If I know you well enough I'm more likely to let certain things slide depending on the context. However, if I don't know you/don't desire to know you and you behave in ways or express opinions that make me uncomfortable, or you go looking for drama, I am likely at best to not respond to you, at worst hard block you.

If you have a problem with someone I write with, I will thank you not to associate that with me unless by my own words I’m advocating something. Until I see evidence of something with my own eyes, that is when I form my opinions. Don’t police who I write with and I won’t do so with you. Unless I genuinely believe someone is at risk of harm I will not tell anyone not to play with someone, regardless of my own experience. We all behave differently with one another and we’re allowed to grow. If you cannot accept my viewpoint on this then we are not suitable for each other.

Things I May Block Over

Asking me why I do not wish to role-play with you if I have declined. I understand it can be frustrating not knowing an exact reason why someone makes a decision and it’s easy to take it personally, but I tend to find 90% of the people who ask for explanations only do so with intent of unnecessary rejection-revenge. If you press me for a reason, I may block you for my own peace of mind.

Inviting drama/posting excessive negative energy. We all have our bad days, weeks or months but, if you’re someone who does not let up in a place a lot of us use to escape, or you stir up more than a reasonable quantity of drama (no matter whose fault something is) I’m going to tap out. Usually this will just be an unfollow, but if I’ve had enough and I don’t feel there’s another way around it, block is a possibility.

Slating DMC/AWE. This sounds like an overreaction and I’ll admit it’s a personal sensitivity of mine. I love Dead Man’s Chest. It’s my favourite of the movies. I will die on the hill of how much I love Jack’s characterisation in it and, from my perspective, I feel people who resign it to ‘only comic relief’ unfortunately fail to see the subtlety and intelligence of writing tricksters through humour with inlaid tragedy/angst to enhance the depth of a character. It’s also how I feel about Thor: Ragnarok. If it doesn’t speak to you, our brains are wired differently, but too differently for this to be the right blog for you to interact with. If you hate DMC/AWE’s portrayal of Jack enough to post about it, I will unfollow or block you. 

Insulting/being an asshole to my friends. Obviously, I’ll make up my own mind on things. There are always two sides. If I see your behaviour first-hand or with a screenshot, however, and I do not like it, you may find yourself blockity blocked before you’ve even spoken to me. 

If you managed to read all of this, have a drink (even if it’s water). You’re a diamond.

Pirate xxx

[yuvon-writes-letters]

[Right on the top of the letter is a sighing girl drawn]

I really thought I could rest a few days before leaving. Like last time, ya know? I could've been more prepared. Didn't even get the call yet.

But I guess you're right. Exactly when you figured it out Jake did, too. (With a little bit help of goldie. They sent him the Tumblr conversation. The whole conversation. Without any comment.)

So yeah, either the MWAF knows where I work or (and that is a scary thought) even is there somehow sometimes.

Jake wanted me to promise to not go back there, but I couldn't. At least not for now. I want to go back there once, for now I shouldn't be in danger. At least not if he goes the same way as last time.

I should get a call from him later that day. And tomorrow I should find the raven note on my desk (after my lunch break). Later that day I saw the first time a guy with a mask. Then again the morning after I took the picture I sent TSB.

And that same evening I started hiding.

So I thought I still had some time...But it seems that isn't the case.

I would love to take Max, even though he can be a real asshole sometimes, but I don't believe that is clever. [The writing becomes shaky, almost unreadable to the end of the sentence]

I don't know anything anymore, just that I don't want all of this to happen again...

[Here are many ink blots, as if a pen was thrown on the paper]

Sorry..Sorry about that. My door bell started ringing. Surprise surprise, my idiot of a cousin. (I still love him though. Even if I'll never forgive him that he stole designs of me. Urgh. Sorry, nervous.)

He thought I acted weird when we texted earlier and my boss wanted him to check up on me.

What does a nervous little fox Liska do? (Little fox is a nickname he gave me when we were little xD I somtimes start using it when we're both in a weird situation)

He almost called the police, thinking I was in some weird 'abusive relationship' with, and I quite, "this Jake asshole".

It seems someone wrote him a text. An unknown number.

I already texted Jake about that..Any my guess is that the MWAF realised that he couldn't hack Jake anymore. So he tries different ways.

But it's fine now, I think I could convince him that everyone was okay. Even though now I have to take vacation with him. He wants to go tomorrow afternoon if I don't want him to call my parents. Why? That if I'm lying I'm not in danger anymore.

I mean, he's not fully wrong. Just that he doesn't have the facts right. (Which he couldn't. I'm still surprised that me being a suspect of kidnapping Hannah or helping a wanted hacker didn't go beyond Duskwood. But that's good.)

Oh and also, Jake just answered, he thinks it's good if I just go with Max in the moment. I think he stalked his Facebook profile. (Max did taekwondo for many years. Facebook tells his story)

But yeah, I am very sorry if this is an unsorted letter, not much happened and still many unsaid thoughts crossed my mind.

Liska🐾🔥

Ps. Also Jake wants me to thank the both of you for taking care of me when he couldn't. And still doing it.

And that I say that he's still not pleased with my decision to go to work tomorrow.

Lis,

So, Goldie's really taking more of an active role, now. I sort of thought they were finished until we massively fuck up again, but I guess they just don't want us to ask them questions or something. Interesting.

I wonder if that means the TSB timeline is still continuing

So the raven note on your desk comes tomorrow? I really wouldn't assume you're safe 'til then, but I guess if your Jake can't convince you, no one can XD

Still. Maybe now-ish would be a good time to take a long trip somewhere sunny. And crowded. Preferably with as many people as possible, who will notice if you go missing.

This is not going to happen again. We have several Jakes and two fairly smart people plus me helping you, PLUS an entity on your side, PLUS the advantage of knowing AND HAVING DOCUMENTATION on exactly how the previous timeline went. All we have to do is figure out a place you'll be safe, and bam, we're done.

...That's a pretty good opportunity, honestly. I agree with your Jake, you should go with your cousin. Though I'm curious what exactly the MWAF said to your cousin that convinced him that you were in danger. You might want to make sure that, a., the MWAF didn't suggest a location and you're not going there, b., your cousin turns off GPS tracking on his phone or just leaves it at home, and c., that your cousin doesn't post pictures of you on social media wherever you go.

Don't worry about the letter not being neat and stuff, I don't care too much about that. As long as

One sec Jessys texting me

Nothing important, she's still trying to test if I've been kidnapped or not without saying it outright. I lost my train of thought from earlier. Oh well.

You're welcome, Jake :) And I definitely emphasize with you on that one -_-

Passing the letter over to my Jake now.

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

Your workplace is very clearly an unsafe environment, but upon reflection and having read ahead and read Max's offer, I believe you actually should go into work, at least for the day. It will give less of our cards away to the enemy. However, do be vigilant. We know that our actions have already changed the timeline to at least some extent, the breadth of which is still unclear.

I am not entirely sure what the kidnapper would gain from having your cousin watching carefully over you in the window of time the kidnapper would have taken to track you down, however. Could it be possible that Goldie was the one to send your cousin the message, rather than the kidnapper?

I concur with Yuvon that the previous timeline's events will not repeat, however, for the exact same reasons she listed, though I will edit it slightly: we have three Jakes and three intelligent people working on the case, including Yuvon. I think I may need to speak with her about this.

Most of the advice I would have given about precautions for the vacation with your cousin has already been covered by Yuvon :)

You are welcome, Jake.

I noticed that in my agitation from your last letter, I accidentally skimmed over some key points. My apologies. I'll answer them now.

I will attempt to find a good point to bring up the matter with her, but she is busy enough trying to mitigate the concerns of the "Crow Crew" that I do not think that should be done at the current moment.

While I am... fond of the "underlying desire" theory, I do not, on reflection, believe it. The fact that she would subconsciously choose me, rather than a family member or a friend she has known longer than myself, seems unlikely. Especially not when she had been quite incensed at me very, very recently. It simply makes no sense.

Though, admittedly, if the situation was reversed, she would likely be

The stasis wavering is both good and bad news. It has been both a benefit and a detriment thus far. Ensure that the group does not draw the kidnapper's ire instead, without alerting them that you are in danger, should they break loose of the stasis alone. Until then, based on the results from Yuvon previously contacting them, I suggest you avoid contact unless they open communication first.

Good luck, Lis and Jake.

—Jake & Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[laurasroyalblog]

Some Reflections

So I’ve been mostly silent on Tumblr and Twitter for a while now.  I’ve been reading a lot of what is going on both in my country with the George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, etc murders and the protests and conversations around racism and in the fandom.

I still don’t want to weigh in too heavily, first because I am not black and second because I am not in a mental space to handle some of the drama that I fear would result.  But I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I feel compelled to share that.  It’s long so I hope you’ll allow me the space to talk for a while because I’ve learned a lot.

I am grateful I stopped posting for a while now but still checked Twitter and Tumblr.  I used to say frequently (and I still believe) that a huge part of the problem is everyone is talking and no one is listening.  I was and still am a part of that problem.  But keeping mostly silent for months but still checking the sites allowed me to encounter posts on a deeper level.  At first it was a challenge not to respond, but soon I found that when I wasn’t reading posts looking for a way to respond I would read them and actually gather insights that weren’t previously possible for me.

During this time, I’ve had to confront some tough realities about myself.  I always thought that I was open minded, that I did my best not to be ignorant, but I see how some of my past posts were ignorant.  Beyond that, I see how at times I wasn’t willing to engage in uncomfortable conversations.

I think ignorance is a reality of the human condition.  We all have things we are ignorant of, but we all have a choice to be open to learning about how we’re ignorant, to be open to education and therefore engaging in an ongoing process to eradicate ignorance.  That’s where I think I have failed in the past.  That I prioritized not being wrong over being educated.

I also feel that the internet can allow us to insulate ourselves.  Because there are so many people, we can surround ourselves with those who think like us.  We can even surround ourselves with only the most outlandish of people who don’t think like us. This enables strawmanning.

In the case of royal watching I certainly stumbled into that accidentally.  A lot of my early encounters with Sussex fans were the most extreme factions.  This led me to incorrect generalizations about Sussex fans.  In addition, I was insulated from some of the more extreme Cambridge fans which led to other incorrect conclusions.  I’d like to say this is because the Cambridge fandom was well established when I joined so those extremes had already been identified.  But in reality I think there was some prejudice involved there.

I didn’t seek out the thoughtful and insightful Sussex fans until later on and that is on me.  Once I did I found many with interesting insights I hadn’t considered.  Beyond that, once I sought out black royal watchers I found that not only were they giving of their insights but they were generous enough to answer questions I had and help me learn and grow.  They certainly didn’t owe me that, but I’m so grateful that they gave and continue to give me that.

I want to end with the biggest change and takeaway I’ve had.  I realized how easy it is to call out the most extreme racism and call it a day.  The n-word, black face (or in the royal fandom...fake baby, Megxit) crowd is widely and correctly viewed as racist.  But it’s tougher but oh so necessary to examine those every day biases.  Those privileges we don’t even realize we have or those ways we other people without even thinking about it.  We all do racist things.  That’s uncomfortable to confront, but it’s the truth and necessary to confront.

I hope this shows that even though I haven’t been the most vocal on here I have been reading and learning and growing.  I’m not close to perfect and have a lot of regrets, but I’m earnestly trying.  To that end, I hope to make my ask, inbox, mentions, etc more welcoming places for people to point out things to me or to engage in tough conversations.  I won’t always live up to that, but that is my goal.  

 I still don’t know where I’ll go from here.  I’ve found the royal fandom to be even more clique-y and petty of late which is hard for me to engage with.  I’m still confronting and wrestling with a lot of things, but I wanted to share where my head was at.

[theboy-thebitch-thelegend]

a reflection on my night / morning

hello everyone, feel free to scroll right past this, but I just need to get some thoughts out before I log off-

as context, I came out to my parents this weekend, and well, go read the post if you want, but basically, I’ve got a long few months ahead of me. Don’t worry, I’m not in any danger, I just have a lot of patient educating, researching, debating, and communication ahead of me. Which is tiring to think about, but I do feel I have a responsibility. Perhaps I’m going above and beyond, perhaps I shouldn’t feel this sense of duty. Irrelevant. I feel that way, and I’m going to act accordingly. 

Tonight, I just needed to be reminded that the world is bigger than the bubble I feel trapped in right now. 

Also, I am feeling rebellious. 

Not, maybe, rebellious in a normal sense. 

My rebellion often takes the form of aggressive positivity, strange as that may be. My rebellion is often realised through love, especially when I have been told that I must contain my love, that I must subject it to religious guidelines, that I must save it for one man that I may or may not ever meet. 

I am, in fact, bisexual, and I may very well end up marrying a man, though tbh I do always picture myself marrying a woman if I ever do marry. Tonight however I was feeling especially rebellious.

first thing I did (and the only thing I originally planned to do) was make a pinterest board that was essentially a comfort to all my gay yearnings.

Then I decided I wasn’t done being rebellious and I updated my pfp with the bi pride flag. Which got me on Tumblr. And I decided to stay here a while, and just generally spread love and positivity, and also reblog and find things that I love and that make me happy. 

And I talked with friends; caught up with people I hadn’t talked to in a while; got to know people I hadn’t previously interacted with much; shared posts and stories and laughs and ideas; vented to people (tysm again, and sorry lol- you know who you are, ily); and was able to offer some encouragement to others, or so I hope.

I discovered some new music- go check out Chub Rub, they’re awesome- and of course was reminded of my love for songs and music I’ve known for a long time (maybe I should start a running tally of how many times I unintentionally use Queen lyrics in expressing myself in personal posts and convos, lol) 

And now I’m planning to go listen to Queen II, which is my go-to album for pulling myself out of a bad funk and restoring my self-confidence.

I guess what I really wanted to say is that, as cliché as it may sound, I am genuinely so grateful for this site, and all the friends I’ve made here. Don’t let anyone tell you Internet friends aren’t real friends. You’re all real people, and we care about each other, and that makes us real friends. Period. I love you guys, and I wish you all the best in life- and, I’m going to do my best to make sure we all get the best in life, not just wishing it. 

I may not always know *how* we’re going to get through things, but I just know we will. And that means we will. I don’t even care if that sounds conceited. 

I believe in you. I believe in myself. I believe in us.

Thank you.

[sokkathebluewolf]

½ Hello! Thank you for responding to my first question. Before I ask anything else, I just want to say that I think this whole online-community (your Tumblrs, etc) is wonderful! I've joined your Patreon too –– just trying to show some rightful appreciation. Next, I have some spoiler-based questions (requist-ions?). 1) I've read your comments about not pleasing everyone with your story and taking it in your own direction. I completely agree -- that's what makes your story good, that it is yours.

2/2 But, regarding Zhao and Azula –– please, please no sex. If there is . . . well I'll keep reading because I'm hooked, but I'll feel pretty terrible for a while. 2) Regarding part 3's arcs and timing. You've written that Sokka/Azula will be together 4–5 arcs, and I'm assuming those are the ending arcs. Part 1 was 12 arcs, Part 2 is planned at 25 (If I counted correctly). If part 3 is in the middle, that's like 16 arcs of separation! Separated = sad Sokkla = sad readers! Will there be happy ...

3/2 (oops!) happy moments interspersed? Plus, ~16 arcs --> even posting once a week (pretty please!) that's two and a half years for us! Have mercy!

Thank you for the Patreon pledge! :D and for the asks and good-hearted support. I hope you’ll continue to enjoy the story, going forward. Though... if you don’t mind, I’ll be answering your first point under a Read More? xD

As for your second point... the thing is, Part 3 is mostly planned by now, almost in its entirety, and I can certainly... confirm about 21 arcs, and I’m not even done with fully developing those arcs/plans? So there’s going to be even more than that. Heh. Hehe. Oops. The reason, of course, why those arcs aren’t listed in the Navigator is because... spoilery titles? :’D Though I will say, in all likelihood most these arcs will be shorter than Part 2′s arcs have been so far... so hopefully I won’t be facing an insanely longer Part 3 than Part 2 already was? :’D H-hopefully...?

As for happy moments interspersed here and there... yes. I have previously been known to say Sokka and Azula won’t ever be able to contact each other through Part 3, but that’s part of the plans that have changed slightly... NOT massively, I’ll admit, but there will be at least two instances where they’ll connect and communicate despite the physical distance between them. Beyond that, there will be positive moments, Azula will have several characters around her who will certainly make her new life far more bearable (a lot of ulterior motives behind many of my choices in Part 2 have been to establish these connections so she won’t be completely alone in the future). There will be good moments that will lighten the constant misery we’re all probably bracing ourselves for, despite there will most likely be a sense of heaviness across the entirety of Part 3.

And yeah, I do understand your concerns about the update schedule x’D I think eventually I’ll switch to weekly updates, but I probably should have a thicker barrier between myself and release before I do that. Sounds crazy, considering I’m writing in advance and I’m quite far ahead, but... I am, indeed, at the very gates of Part 3? Which means I am... reluctant to write lately. A bit. :’D but rest assured, once things get very intense for you guys and I have a big enough amount of chapters to go around, I’ll switch to weekly updates for sure :)

And now....

The thing with Zhao isn’t, well, gratuitous torture to make Azula sad, if that makes sense? :’D granted, the motivation that will lead a certain someone to make this match is, indeed, to punish Azula, as I’ve said in the ask I answered before... 

But Azula will have strong reasons to accept and endure this dreadful situation. If she didn’t, she would never allow something like this to happen and she’d sooner challenge her father to an Agni Kai than accept his terms. So... let’s just say Part 3 Azula is all about protecting those she cherishes most, and sadly, she has to do a lot of difficult, painful things to achieve that.

I think by the time the scene you’re dreading arrives, it hopefully won’t be quite as awful as you expect? At least, I can guarantee Zhao isn’t going to demand for anything from her. As I said in the other ask, he’s as unwilling to do this, out of respect for Azula, as Azula herself is. I don’t know if that’s going to be any consolation, but if I do happen to write a certain scene along the lines of what you’re afraid of... it won’t be gratuitous nor will it trivialize the situation by any means. I think what Suki endured in Shu Wo was far more graphic (and I deliberately refrained from outright writing it, mainly just implied it, because it was absolutely appalling to me...) than what I’ll ever dare write happening to Azula. Despite I know what the plot demands better than anyone, it doesn’t hurt me any less to write it, believe it or not :(

So... well, I hope you won’t be too brokenhearted once we get to Part 3, but can I offer you the hopes of a positive ending after the storm has passed? :’D and yes, Azula and Sokka will certainly return to each other by Part 3′s final arcs. I’ll probably go wild with those arcs after keeping them apart for longer than I could ever have wanted them to stay away from each other, if that’s any consolation too? x’D my shipper heart will definitely make its demands by the time we get there. Either way, the dark times both Azula and Sokka will face will come as consequences of their actions, as well as other people’s actions, and I intend for all of it to be logical and follow the sense of the plot. I really dislike the notion of writing for shock value, so even the very nastiest of my decisions are usually done for the sake of a payoff that should, hopefully, make everything worth it.

So, like I said to the anon earlier... I shall hope you stick around and enjoy what can be enjoyed? There will be brighter times within the dark ones, and I do have several Part 3 scenes I am really looking forward to writing, especially the uplifting ones, and the somewhat unexpected, happy surprises the story will feature that, I hope, will lessen the blows of the guaranteed angst we’re all definitely going to suffer over.

Thanks for the asks! :)

[phidica]

So, as you can see, my queue ran out last June and all I’ve done since then is reblog a couple of topical posts. But here’s the thing; that did not occur for lack of content that I wanted to reblog -- in fact, quite the opposite! Read on and I shall explain, because truly what is left for me to talk about on this blog besides the act of running the blog itself?

The way that I’ve historically prepared my post queue has been to open posts I intend to reblog in new tabs (whether I encounter them on the dashboard or via RSS feeds) and set them aside for later. At some point, ideally with no more than a few dozen posts in the pile, I would load all the tabs and then go through and manually rearrange them, then I would tag and add the posts to my queue in that very sequence

My reasons for doing this were twofold. Firstly, I wanted each day’s posts to be a fair mix of topics that didn’t put too many posts from the same fandom in a row. This was to avoid, for instance, multiple consecutive days of posts being nothing but MLP art thus giving the wrong impression to passersby about the focus of my blog, or overly annoying followers who weren’t interested in that topic at all (supposing that I even have active followers any more hah). Hence a degree of randomness was called for in the arrangement of posts. But secondly, I did not want to use the “shuffle queue” feature (is this a Tumblr builtin or an XKit extension? all I know is that the button has haunted me for a lifetime) because I preferred my queue to be in semi-chronological order, and I liked to create callforwards and callbacks in the tags. Oh we’re getting deep into my mental thought processes now...

I liked a semi-chronological queue because that way, as the posts were, erm, posted, any references to recent events in shows or fandoms would remain in the appropriate order without anything seemingly getting mixed up or obscuring some context. Then, regards to my tags: this didn’t happen terribly often but for instance there are the cases of me introducing a new tag and offering some commentary on the fact I have introduced that tag right next to it, which only works out if I can be certain which post that tag really does first appear on. Or I might leave commentary about a particular run of posts that I’ve just queued up. And, relatedly though not exactly the same, there are those posts that are best read in a certain sequence because that is key to some particular joke

So at this point I have explained why:

I don’t add posts to my queue immediately upon seeing them (ans: because they need to be at least lightly randomised), and why

I didn’t simply shuffle the entire queue at once to achieve said randomisation (ans: because subsets of the queue needed to be in a particular sequence).

I expect it’s becoming obvious where this is going, not least because of the contrast between past and present tenses, but I might as well cough up another paragraph or five to contextualise this further when I’ve already come so f a  r

I can actually probably trace the start of this system breaking down to the day that I upgraded to Firefox Quantum, the release from which point on you could only use WebExtensions, because at that point I lost access to an important addon, I think it was called like...Tab Groups Plus, or something. The point was that it let you see all your tabs on like a tiled view, showing previews of the content, and you could sort them into groups created and destroyed on-demand which would move them around in your tab list. This was an excellent tool for arranging posts into just the right order prior to queuing them, because I would be able to first sort them by fandom, and then start shuffling them together manually with just the right spacing to make it all work out nicely. With the loss of that extension, I had to start making do with the equivalent procedure with just moving the tabs around in the tab bar (okay, the tab tree, but let’s not go there right now), and with no previews of their content so I had to constantly click into tabs to check which was which. That sucked and was very difficult and time consuming and simply a huge downgrade

As a consequence of these changes to my workflow, I started doing the task of sorting tabs and queuing up posts less often, thus letting more posts pile up at once. Obviously I did cope with this for some time, since Firefox Quantum hit in November 2017 apparently?? fuck it’s been so long oh god and obviously I have still managed to get a lot of posts through my blog since then, though with more stops and starts (this story gets a bit messy because I also had waning investment in Tumblr at times, which also contributes to not actively running the blog, but I think the tabs thing is a bigger factor)

These big stacks of posts waiting for me to load them and sort them and then semi-randomise them have something of an exponential weight. As you might imagine there’s the mental aversion to starting a process when there’s already a lot of stuff to do, and then that just leads to there being more to do, and the nightmare spirals. But in a much more corporeal sense, it appears that the Tree Style Tab (oh fuck now I do have to go there, shit, okay. uh. it’s like if you replaced the tab bar (from the top of the screen) with a bookmarks toolbar (on the side of the screen) and you can sort tabs into folders and new tabs open from a given tab open as “children” of that tab, indented under them. it’s very nice for managing a winding path you might take through Wikipedia or TV Tropes, if you can imagine that. I don’t do that though; I just open a bajillion tabs from Tumblr and stuff them into a single folder that collapses into a single tab and hides them so I can continue to use my web browser despite the fact I have so many fucking tabs open) and really Firefox in general start to respond much slower to the act of loading new tabs or moving tabs around when you already have so many tabs in the tree. Literally, the more tabs I open from Tumblr, the physically harder it is to load those tabs and move them around in order to sort them to queue them to close them and thus allow me to move on to new tabs

That is the situation I find myself in now. As I said at the start, my blog ground to a halt not because of a lack of content, but an excess. I have so many posts that I want to put in my queue to reblog, that they are actively weighing down my web browser to the point that I can hardly start the process of queuing them in the first place

Naturally, something had to give eventually. Here’s what I was looking at a few hours ago

that’s right, I had 230 tabs in the pile. It’s too much. And the idea of closing that parent tab, and killing all 230 of them at once... It’s a solution of sorts, but never the one I wanted to take. I guess it was because I talked about this with Kylie the other week, and she suggested that I just shuffle the queue with the button that shuffles the fucking queue, Violet, that I started considering my way out

So, that’s what I’ve done. Look

And that only took me three hours! As opposed to an actual eternity!

Maybe this is only how I’ll swing things until this pile clears, or maybe it will be the way I work going forward. For now, I am making adjustments to the way that I tag posts in order to generally try and avoid that context-dependent commentary which has previously demanded that I keep things in a curated order. And fortunately, at the moment, I have been out of the active reblog scene for so long that there are no fandom chronologies I need to match step with, so shuffling everything is fine in that regard as well. And I haven’t yet encountered any posts that work best with the one-two punch in just the right order, but if I do, my plan is to just schedule them, for some random day in the future, with only a minute’s difference between them. I have done that before in certain circumstances anyway. So I have, with relatively little effort in the end, I suppose, (big thanks to my wife for letting me sequence-break my brain), allowed myself to click the magic “Shuffle Queue” button... And we’re gonna see if this lets me actually clear the whole backlog in the end, and perhaps regain control of my life web browser life

But rn I need to go to sleep because I just stayed up like an extra two hours beyond the point I needed to be asleep writing this all out in one stream of thought whoops