#we spent so long and for nothing-
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
i don't normally participate in these redraw challenges but it's megumi so i'll make an exception
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk megumi#megumi#looks at clock UHHHHHHHH oops#i got lost in the sauce that is rendering his gd chin and under his lips.... ive been in stylized anime mouth land 2 long i fear#i had forgotten how much of a pain those shadows are :'>>> eSP at a lookdown angle#fought a bit but little did he know i spent years doing coloured pencil portraits. this is My domain#god but the rest of the skin render was so FUN i love . warm grey in2 brown in2 red/orange fr the deep underneck shadow#lip tint heavy blush freckles glossier model fushiguro megumi...........im a believer i fear#had a bit of a hard time finding a middle ground between how i normally draw his hair and a more Realistic take on it#the model in the og has hair that's pretty close but i think the strands r a bit short n too heavily curved fr my tastes#its my brand im afraid i simply must give itfs both longer hair#nothing else feels Right#but god i underestimated how Good this photoshoot is as megu material . i get the hype now i get it#i did the sketch n i looked at it and i had an oh /oh/ moment#smh megumi put those lustrous emerald orbs away before u hurt some1#his gaze is too powerful . slaps a red bg on him makes him my new icon :)#anyway its 6am it is morning time do i sleep fr like 3 hrs or do i say megumi voice Whatever we shall see
2K notes
·
View notes
Note
Chef greg delivery just for you. it's a wonder I hadn't bearified him yet, he's my fave greg too 🔪
gays literally only want one thing (to be chopped up and eaten by a depressed man) and it's fucking disgusting
#kabukeo#something to bear in mind#other's art#limbus company#project moon#lcb gregor#r.b. sous chef gregor#namesake#i'm sorry for doing a haha funny joke reply i just like#i spent like ten minutes pacing around my house when i saw this in my inbox i'm not exaggerating#thank you for my life i love him so bad#do i need a gift art tag now i just like. i don't even know what to say#i haven't even made any actual proper posts yet i just made a silly blog i feel like i haven't done anything to earn this#to stop myself from blubbering i'm just going to respond to the tags on your rb#no problem for providing details again i think about this grown ass fucking man too god damn much but it's not a problem.#problems are only problems if you call them a problem. it's not a problem.#thank you for seeing the vision on rhino geg.#since kjh refuses to release him that just means that we can continue to acknowledge this as true and canon and there's nothing he can do#[ignore that he has a cameo in a card in game no he doesn't]#to me rosespanner is like. very much the type of guy that when you're crushing on him you try to talk to him#and then you get him to start talking about stuff he's interested in#and then before long you end up agreeing to watch something you don't care for in the slightest#solely for the purpose of having something in common to talk with him about#meanwhile he doesn't pick up on you trying to flirt with him like at all#anyway i could go on about how badly i need hex nail gregor for both bear reasons and thematic Actual reasons#but i'm pretty sure i'm about to hit the tag limit. so i'll just say thank you again for the cannibal i will treasure him forever and alway#it took me like thirty minutes to type this all out after i sat down to actually do it because i kept getting embarrassed lmao#offerings to beargregor#< gift art tag#that's it. thank you for my life once again. keep fighting the good fight soldier. we'll get this to be common fanon one day. trust.
50 notes
·
View notes
Text
you will never get these two to play baseball
#book: gampire#(to distinguish it from the like vibes tag for this)#my art#not pjo#my ocs#viktor#ummmm ok so someone is gonna have to rename the girl. she was milyena but that's shockingly close to another oc#she is russian <3#anyway viktor would almost never dress like this he almost exclusively wears hoodies and a sweater#he is lazy he is boring he is so dull#i spent a long time looking for a lyric for the caption and nothing from the twilight soundtrack was speaking to me so. here we are
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/e49719e90e520d5895c2a5e6fecfbe43/89b6809a13cc4976-85/s540x810/f72b0b9a71a0ed0e97f3a8b1c1a5fecca8ad02b2.jpg)
ok i think im done i think ive finally done it. i have completed the awakening ship chart with the second gen. except for nah sorry nah. yes i do love rarepair hell thanks for asking im never leaving
#ann plays awakening#i know that lucisev is not a rarepair but thats the ONLY second gen ship i got here that isnt#so shut it#u might be able to make that argument for gerolau as well but i think anything with laurent is rare bc no one talks about him#and i think gerome has a much more popular ship. that we all know and i will not tag#not that i dislike that one but i just like them with other ppl more#speaking of shout out inigo and cynthia for being the only heterosexuals here (WRONG bi4bi)(both on the aro spectrum)#they will be the only ones here to get a written ending and it doesnt even matter bc inigo fucks off to nohr and makes it untrue#oh well. au where that doesnt happen#i spent a lot of time deliberating on brady and a long time ago i rly liked brady/fmorgan but if im using frobin thats not an option#tho shes here in spirit#idk why it never occured to me to try out the male version of her. bradymorg if it was yaoi#tho im actually a little on the fence about this one. but then my top two choices for brady are just morgan and morgan#so it doesnt throw anyone else off i just need to pick which robin#absolutely nothing has changed in the first gen since the last time i posted this im still rocking with all of them#dont think any of them will change#i allllllmost paired noire with yarne#and that could change but idk. i think owainyarne is just too funny i think about them a lot#though if i could make them poly i would cuz owain/noire is also very cute#kjelle is a lesbian and would not fit into that tho. sorry. this is my gf noire and her stupid boyfriends i dont like#anyways i’ll probably shake some of these up when i go back to the awakening trio retainer au but for my main file yeeah i like these :3#sorry i just like to yap about my kids pay me no mind please
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Why is Dressrosa just Doflamingo and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?
#at least for him…#and he deserves it lol#I did enjoy watching the domino effect of it all make everything crumble all at once#it was chaotic af and I’m here for it#just like Luffy I love it when they knock down the Jenga blocks of a terrible and abusive system that some fuck-o with a god complex spent#years building~#oooopppppps turns out you didn’t have a fortress but a house of cards my guy#and all of it was hinging on Sugar?????? The hubris is truly strong with this one lol#anyways…#ya’ll are just getting my random thoughts because I’ve been binging tf out of this arc because it’s so long#Sophia talks too much#Dressrosa Arc#Doflamingo#If anyone cares to know I'm watching One Pace and am on ep 27 of Dressrosa so that puts me at about chapter 752#also this is the first arc my partner knows nothing about and we were discussing about Doflamingo and his 'family' and if he actually does#care for them and I just looked at him like -_- you cannot convince me that man is not a psychopath.....#My man had no problem with regicide and the killing of innocents...I doubt his familicide was for any other reason than personal gain#he cares about his current 'family' not because he actually cares for them but because they are an extension of him and his reputation and#they have a 'use' to him#the man clearly sees people as tools#this is just my current take btw#I have no information past where I'm currently at btw#my guy is truly a creature(derogatory) and he PISSES ME OFF
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Dead dashboard confessional parasocial hours: it’s been so nice to see Taylor kind of reclaim her place in the world and work out in real time what does or doesn’t feel good in terms of being out there, and she’s clearly flourishing on a personal level by taking in all these experiences! And idk if it’s just the late hour or the post-livestream hangover or what, but it just kinda feels like something shifted yet again last week — like she and Travis did their goofy little skit because Theatre Kids and it was fun and felt good and she’s like “YES more of that please!”
And I’m not saying that as in “omg she’s going to publish her entire life online now” at all, but more in like, it’s kind of endearing to see her try these new things and figure out her boundaries and be like “yes this sparks joy and I want more of it in my life” (or on the flip side, cutting out the things that don’t and protecting her peace). I know that ET article earlier today was just a fluff piece to keep stoking the fires until they can actually Say It, but there’s something about Tree’s the quote saying they had fun coming up with it and were glad they got to share that moment together and want to keep having fun like that was just really sweet. And again, I don’t think it means they’re going to publicize their lives regularly by any means, I really do feel like it was like, “hey you know what would be funny?” And they took it from there — almost like that skit was for them and we were lucky to be bystanders to the bit lol. They just have so much fun together and it shows. I don’t think they’re trying to capitalize off their relationship, I think it’s just the pop star on a global stage equivalent of that one couple you have in your friend group that always goes all out for Halloween with the elaborate couple costume and commits to the bit every year.
It just seems like they’re really settling into things and figuring out as they go along how they can do the things they want to do within the parameters of what feels safe and joyful and is less scary than it once was. Taylor got to take part in her own way in something meaningful to Travis (e.g. the Super Bowl) and he’s gotten to take part in something meaningful to her (the show) and it’s just really sweet how they embrace each other’s worlds. And maybe it was “new and defining” because Taylor’s never been that overt before on stage on a tour of this scale, and not only did the world not cave in, she had a blast and got to have a chuckle. For someone who said she always wished she had someone by her side to share her successes with and never did even in her longest relationship previously, it’s got to be wild to literally have her partner on stage with her on her record-breaking tour.
No wonder she’s probably gagged at all this. The universe really did shift and it was all for them etc.
#idk why I’m getting so emotional about this lol#like the et article is clearly just another placeholder until they can reveal the [redacted]#but i think the contrast of that with the sweet nothing/hoax mashup tonight#and how she spent SO LONG begging to be a footnote in someone’s life#and even in a relationship she thought was forever didn’t have anyone who fully appreciated the magnitude of her work#or how much it filled her cup#compared to her ‘yes and’ partner now who is like ‘ok how can we make this EVEN MORE fun?’ at every turn#I’m very very glad she’s no longer in the ‘hoax’ place#it’s just really sweet to see#i mean i don’t think they’re turning into sonny and cher lmao#but i do think they’re going to be cheering each other on and involved in each other’s work one way or the other as supportive partners#like it must be a mindfuck because if you had told Taylor two years ago when she was in the middle of planning the tour#that one day her partner would join her on stage just for a laugh#she’d probably tell you to fuck off lol#and now her partner’s probably getting measured for a muppet coat for karma idk#writing letters addressed to the fire
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
Dog got put down today and the saddest I've been all day is because of pokemon angst. What the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I care.
#sigghhhhh#maybe it's because like. idk. i've accepted death or something and I know that it's gonna happen so I can't feel anything when it happens#but like#ugh#i can't stop thinking that maybe I'm just a horrible person who never even cared about her.#and i never even cared about everyone else who's died in my life#and I'm never gonna care#i'm not gonna care when my grandparents die. when my parents die. i'm not gonna care if my friends or any of the younger people die suddenl#because for some reason i only have a caring bone in my body for people who aren't even fucking real#because I'm selfish or something. and i only like people for what they can give me. idk. that doesn't feel right to me but like#WHY CAN'T I FEEL FOR THEM THEN??????#my great grandmother died. the woman who I spent most of my younger years with. and I felt absolutely fucking NOTHING#maybe that's because she'd been dead for a long time before that#i'm sorry but why were we taking care of a fucking husk. it'd be fine if she remembered but she. she couldn't even talk man.#maybe that's just me being insensitive#because I just don't understand why anyone would want to live like that. in pain#not even able to remember the people you loved. everything that you loved#i'd rather be dead#it just doesn't make sense to me#idk. maybe one of these days I'll actually feel#idk how to tag this#oh wait i posted this but forgot a tag#vent#ig
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
watching isttvg with your partner and holding their hand with the sudden awareness of how close you came to death. thinking: we are alive, we are alive, we are alive. thinking: every day we save ourselves from more and worse. thinking: for the love of god, dont let go.
#i saw the tv glow#obviously we are both trans#im with my family for the summer and i forget who i am#i see her speak to her father and i feel sick with pain#but we are alive. we are here. we are crawling out of that grave inch by inch#once i said 'im not trans bc i could keep pretending to be cis'. i get made fun for it and rightfully so#but that sentiment is death. that sentiment is death. nothing else.#we have spent so much of our lives lying. suffocating and lying and apologizing for everything that's true.#this is me stopping. please come with me. please stop. for the love of god - keep crawling. please. we have to go.#this cannot be us. never again. we cannot pretend reality away we cannot choose not to see it. itll kill us.#i found our hearts and theyre still beating. we are alive. there is still time#for as long as your heart is beating. there is still time. please. dont let go.
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
Happy Shun Duel Links Day!!! (party popper emoji)
#yugioh arc v#yugioh arc-v#arc-v#shun#yuto#comic#duel links#sorry for the long format but OOH it looks so clean when its all in one line!!!#this almost didn't make it out of my wip jail cells because i spent 30 mins on one of the panels#using references and everything but it just looked super duper odd and it was a waste of time overall#and don't even get me started on the toning (clenches fist) nothing was looking right at one point#but enough about the process i want to talk about the comic itself#part of the motivation for drawing this was seeing all the fluffy shunyoot celebration pics during his roaming event#they ARE cute but also i really really wanted so badly to see shun's visceral reaction that didn't reduce him to mere comedic fodder#(something i'm also guilty of)#so anyway like we always say in ygos we make our own food#wow im rambling anyways the last line of dialogue i had most trouble with but also the most proud of#no shade to the writers of the show (ok maybe like a LITTLE shade) but with this comic i really wanted to reflect the feelings of both#fans of the show as well as fans that left after the ending because that was something i saw floating on jp twitter during the roaming even#and it really made me Think#also can we talk about how in the event yuya was just like hey shun i have a surprise for you!!! haha :]#he was THERE when shun said never appear in front of me ever again did he think shun would just be omg yuto :)#this is why youre my favourite (yuya)#anyways last but not least#the final yuto panel is a healthy mix of guilt + existential dread and doubt about his own existence i hope that was obvious enough
310 notes
·
View notes
Text
Windy at my house + power flickering = no comm work = quick laptop doodle
#my characters#i genuinely hoped the wind would die down but like ??? nah?#and the last time we lost power without an actual storm it WAS bc of wind#and so i just get so panicked over please dont fry my tablet with a power surge#if it calms down by tonight i really wanna work on art since i spent almost all day yesterday struggling with a pose and i finally#think i thought of something that could work and then (gestures to the wind) fuck me#also in regards to these two you have seen me drawing deacon a lot recently and i only drew armya once so far#she is a devoted follower to fulj which is really rare since fulj no longer has a large following nor a temple#so when fulj finds her its comforting and reassuring and she adores armya a lot#however the fact that fulj relentlessly teases deacon and calls him names is like..... ok wait would you really be mean to me if it wasnt#for her ? like would you still pick on me? :c and shes like lol yeah dude absolutely#deacon is just constantly dunked on by the lightning group and hes so sad because he wanted to be friends :c#but also the guy wouldnt really recognize the followers if it wasnt for the traces of lady fulj#so if they would wander into the city without having been possessed recently he probably wouldnt even cast a glance their way#nothing personal he just straight up doesnt decipher looks fast at all#he could think they look familiar but then not know why ESPECIALLY if they wear something he's not used to them in#like if armya showed up in something other than her loose white jacket he would not be able to go AH YES ARMYA immediately#he identifies people by hair or clothing details so it kinda messes him up if people remove whatever identifying trait they have#long hair getting a hair cut? suddenly a whole new person#and armya knows this very well since he never looked her way unless fulj was possessing her or trailing her#so she does like to tease him as just. we are both in servitude to a deity and same rank but like. bro youre too easy to mock#(fulj agrees)
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
limbo
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#megumi#fanart#jjk fanart#ART IS NOT SPOILERS BUT I AM GNA YAP ABT STATE OF MEGU IN THE TAGS U HAVE BEEN WARNED#anyway these draws feel empty 2 me now#i feel like the Intent fr them was snatched out from under my feet but i am too proud of them not 2 post so we ball anyway#spent 10 hours straight on it and its siblings gdi#i poured hope and grief and anger in2 them and now all of it has been snuffed out#bC WE GOT NOTHING#sighs stay patient megu nation#we've waited this long we can wait Longer#NEXT CHAPTER TRUST
404 notes
·
View notes
Text
Messy school doodles HAHEHHE
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/485d0c161de3d49eb1c6054922ded42b/72dc79b4d4e7571b-d3/s540x810/189ec8576e17061f6cd171dbdf529a5b6003dc9b.jpg)
Season 2 Robbie (not canon Robbie ofc, but rather the "S2" of my own fic which I may or may not ever finish). The lore is that his hair was MUCH longer than this, but it got shaved off due to Lore Reasons™ and now it's growing back :]
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/13b374c0912011911d463cba5d18fffb/72dc79b4d4e7571b-f3/s1280x1920/b95495777f6b5c13a635e3447cb44573c8701589.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/8a8cdbe38732c24a1539fb8676a27983/72dc79b4d4e7571b-ea/s540x810/669537fdb6f79edb96f656ecb69d1bc5d7108211.jpg)
NOT STAN. That's my beta Dipper HAHEHHEE. My notes are just emphasizing how similar they look. Me, earlier today, drawing beta Dipper: "STAN PINES ?! 😨😮😮😨😨😨"
Perhaps. Gay people. I am thinking about it really hard fr
#sometimes writing a story is toying with different dynamics and being like “auughh i LOVE this plotline but it'd go completely against -#- everything else in the whole story 😭“ so I gotta kill my darlings.#and I don't mean “killing off a character”#i mean “killing off this cool ass dynamic that sounds awesome but may not fit the story I'm trying to tell”#anyway#gay people... perhaps#do you see the amazing dynamic these two would have in the context of the story I'm making ??? no you don't#because i haven't told you anything about my story LMAO AHDHABHAHAHR#but point is: i love them#god#toxic yaoi is real#they've got the situationship that can almost rival whatever the hell Stanford Pines had going on (unfortunately they do not beat him)#they've got a dynamic that makes others think they don't care about eachother at all. that they hate eachother and that's all#and they DID hate eachother for most of their time together but after a bunch of years spent with no one else to rely on except eachother?#maybe you DO hate them still. but you can't deny the bond you share because the only other person in the world who GETS IT is him#you've seen him at his best and worst. you've driven him to the brink of insanity. you've taken everything from him#and yet you cuddle when the night is cold and it's so so lonely outside#you know how he likes his pancakes. how he'd rather cut his hair off than brush it. how he's entranced by the stars he never saw so clearly#you recognize when he's about to have a panic attack. you sit with him til he calms down. you hold hands and miss your families together#and you know he's the toughest person you know. so the occasional bang sessions? oh; those are NOT gentle#there's nothing more than a single safeword they never used more than once. because they've been together for so long and they know how far-#-they can push until it becomes too much. but to be gentle? to be soft? to a person who has grown so used to dodging your knives?#that is a whole entire INSULT !!! how DARE you treat me like I'm fragile NOW after we spent our lives on opposite sides of a battlefield?#how DARE you be gentle to me now after you ripped open my guts and shoved salt and dirt inside?#you know how much i can handle and you know I've always loved the thrill#so don't you dare make this any less of a battle unless you want me to bash your head in with a hammer. moron#the real valenpines dynamic i stg. i love them so much you don't understand#i can't believe I'm gonna have to sacrifice this dynamic#robbie valentino#dipper pines
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry im just thinking about bcs but like. why not add a few smaller scenes of gus interacting with his own men? why does it seem like, in comparison, mike is almost immediately elevated to a higher status than those two in bcs purely because we actually get to see him having normal conversations with gus? like i understand they might not keep the plot moving as well because of the fact obviously if victor is currently doing something it’s because gus told him to etc. but for the most part all of the smaller interactions gus does have with those two ends up being in a somewhat high stress situation where it feels very tense between everyone. and it’s just like damn! is it always like that?? why do those two even care that much about their jobs if their boss is a bit of a dick? etc. i think even an additional scene or two with those guys (either alone or the both of them) talking with gus in a more normal situation could’ve both added a bit more depth into how gus treats his employees (we got a lot with how he treats lyle and co., but not a whole lot with the illegal side of things), how comfortable vic and tyrus feel around him in a calmer setting, and exactly why they both feel the need to be as loyal as they are to the guy.
and also on the other side of this i don't think it'd hurt to maybe elaborate on their pay just a bit..? i'm not saying to randomly put a number out into the atmosphere but i just mean some smaller things like. do they buy nicer things for themselves? what's their housing situation? what's their car situation? are the escalade / yukon their own vehicles or does gus just use those two for business situations? do they use them when they're doing their own stuff off the clock or do they have their own cars? etc. that can also help with understanding their motivations a bit. don't get me wrong i don't think they should be visibly rich or something because that's not what gus would want but just smaller things! cause it's easy to write their loyalty off as Well they probably get paid super well, which i'm sure is true, but if they don't show a single hint of that then what's the point. even something as simple as giving tyrus a nice watch, or maybe victor having a nicer looking gun, etc. something small like that. because as it stands right now the average 41 year old viewer who watched the show once only knows and will only ever know victor and tyrus as those two guys in the background who do random stuff for gus with no clear motivation. just the personification of "On it boss (salute emoji)". and to be honest this is true for a whole lot of fans who do watch the show multiple times and enjoy thinking about it more in depth, because on screen we barely have anything about the two.
and to be clear i'm not trying to say we should have an episode just for them or something like no i understand they're side characters. i understand we don't need all that. and i understand this is also primarily Jimmy's show. but it's not like these two are on the same level as like, arlo or paige and kevin etc. these guys have been around since brba. victor was literally introduced in the same episode gus was. and they are a huge part of gus's story, especially in brba. s4 wouldn't have been what it was without victor and tyrus. and in bcs, ignacio's situation wouldn't have been the same if it weren't for victor and tyrus as well. and i just personally believe that if their goal with gus in bcs was to go back and elaborate on how everything came to be and show what he was like a few years younger, they could've dragged victor and tyrus into that. and i think his character would've benefited from taking that extra step with those two.
#gray.txt#and you know. obviously i personally have my own clear ideas of everything. and i'm content with what i got. this isn't coming from a place#of Well victor is my favorite guy so everything should be about him LOL. i know what he is.#but thats only because i spent like what? 2 years now watching random interviews and analyzing the smallest details within the show that#genuinely meant nothing while they were writing the scripts. and then throwing some random ideas at the wall to see if they stick.#and i just dont think everybody should have to do that LOL. and i think gus's character gets a lot more interesting#when do you do have this clear idea of victor and tyrus in your head and how he interacts with them. but 99% of people dont have that!#nobody fucking knows everything giancarlo and vince ever said about box cutter. nobody knows about the interview where giancarlo referred t#his entire business (meth and restaurant) as his 'family'. and they'd never think of that in those terms#because with the exception of his restaurant workers and mike#it feels like he HATES them LMAO.#tldr all i'm saying is i think we could've benefited from at least one 1 minute long scene of victor and gus exchanging words#where it doesn't end in gus snapping the phone in half out of anger. and also let tyrus speak his mind and have gus agree with him once#also yeah sorry this is all over the place but it is somehow the most coherent i have felt in months so this is as good as its getting sorr#sorry .#also to be clear about my earlier statement that’s a lie my idea of those two is not clear in my head whatsoever i just meant in comparison#to literally the average viewer. and my own personal thoughts about them aren’t even true it’s just opinions and guesses.#and i love a character that i can just say shit about but at the same time i think it’s fun to have idk something in the source material#that you can actually use while thinking and not have to dig around 11 year old reddit AMAs#and that money paragraph sort of came out of order what i meant by saying all that is like#i feel those two could benefit from a clear motivation for why they do all the things they do#and if we have neither personal reasons nor monetary reasons then it just makes them feel like one dimensional henchmen or something#came out of no where* not order you dumb fuck (< me)#also it doesn’t have to be clear in our faces or anything whatever you know what i’m saying . this is too long i can’t keep elaborating
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
oof
#actually yeah remember that time i had swine flu#i had a 104 degree fever and was terrified to go to the hospital#not because of the hospital but because i'd have to manage my parents' emotions and anxiety while i was there on top of being sick as hell#i locked myself in the bathroom refusing to let my dad take me to the ER#and only gave in when he promised he wouldn't tell my mom#and then his girlfriend told my mom. they fucking lied#and then. you guessed it. i had to manage everyone's emotions while we waited for the ER to do literally nothing#the swine flu tests were super unreliable and i got a false negative. they sent me home with some antibiotics and called it a day#then sheepishly called a week later when the second test came back positive to basically ask if i was still alive#swine flu fucked me up for a long time. but it didn't warrant an er visit#and it certainly didn't warrant my parents fucking breaking my trust like that#i know they only told my mom so they didn't have to deal with her going off after the fact#which is such bullshit. that's the kind of thing a parent is supposed to take and shield their kid from#not break their trust so you get it easy#but of course. if my dad had been one to take my aversion to my mom seriously then. then he and i wouldn't be going on 4yrs of no contact#because a looooot of things would've had to be different for that one thing to happen#god i have so much anger for my parents. so much grief#my mom's been surprisingly silent (all things considered) in the near month i've been no contact with her#and it's not like seeing the disgusting emails and voicemails from her feels good but... but they're almost better than nothing.#they're sort of love. in a way. not really... but. but it hurts to know how hard my dad fought to get through to me#and to have spent the past 4yrs with my mom rubbing in my face how she'd never be like him and Just let me go. how she'd fight.#being told that at the time didn't feel like love. didn't feel healthy. and now seeing that she didn't even fucking mean it.#she prided herself so much on being the one who Loved Me More. really hard not to see it for the performance it was now#makes me wonder if my dad really actually did love me as much as he said. not that it was much but. it was more. it was something#i know he's not capable of change. even less capable than my mom. but. i really miss my dad right now.#(glad i can still remember what his voice sounds like. so i don't have to go listen to one of those old voicemails he left me)#even considering that the memory that brought this all up was him lying to me and betraying my trust#being no contact with my parents...i'm finally the orphan i always have been#personal#ahhhh therapy's gonna be JUICY this week 🤣
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#god my life is so fucking over im stuck and no matter how much i fight i cant get out#i gave up and even that is fucking exhausting. i live in fear every fucking day#i have no calm moments. i cant be at ease. i cant enjoy a moment. because it gets bad . and then worse#it always does i never have one decent thing happen to me before another horrible shitshow crashes down on me right after#im fully alone i cant speak to anyone about it literally nobody gives a fuck im going insane and im actually nuts#i send a perfect fucking cv with a cover letter and im literally all theyre looking for and i get not even a fucking “kys we dont want you”#radio fucking silence from every fucking place ever. all i want is to LEAVE THIS FUCKING JOB#literally nothing else matters at this point just let me the fuck out#every single day every single hour something is wrong something is fucked i fucked it up or someone else did and i get blamed#im vulnerable and kickable is that it. im a fucking wet blanket that you can spit on as you please and have a power trip is that it#i spent all my fucking life having empathy for people who dont fucking deserve it. doing things for people who wouldnt do the same for me#sacrificing myself and my own wellbeing for a fuckwad who doesnt even care if i live or die#and every single day i wake up and cant change it. i go work the most hours for the least money possible#and i get kicked for it. i get shit on. i get mistreated. and every once in a while some kind of MAJOR BULLSHIT happens#and every time im the one that gets blamed and degraded for it. mind you i didnt fucking do anything#ive done nothing but my best ive given and sacrificed myself senselessly because im the fucking idiot for not leaving when i coulf#and when i say i want to resign i get everyone suddenly go “no you cant#you must make money. you must keep suffering. you must keep getting degraded. we do not care if youre uncomfortable and suicidal#we dont care if its killing you because we cant see it. we can fully ignore your suffering because its not visible!#ive gone past the fucking breaking point. i always think it cant get lower but it does. every time im astonished to see it does get even .#fucking. WORSE. every time. no exceptions.#i cant ask for help noone can help i cant even help myself anymore. i cant cope. i cant mask at work anymore. and yet i feel guilt#guilty that im a worthless nobody whose only positive purpose in life is to be everybodys fucking doormat so they can get off#on being shit and horrible to me#im haunted by the same fucking nightmares of one fucking person because they made me feel loved briefly for about a month or two#that was my only time i felt maybe i could get better. and then they fucking left me and now im lower and getting lower with every day#i dont know how long ive got left. im not sure i care anymore. not keeping on living for a hpyerfixation or a hobby anymore.#none of it brings me joy anymore. not even the slightest bit of comfort. everything stings and hurts and im shriveled up and empty#am i the only person who thinks of other people ?? am i the only person in the world whos never thought of#teach me how to not care for others. teach me how to be a slefish piece of shit. the type that thrives in this godforsaken hellhole world
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
new concept that’s making me go feral: My Goodbye from Epic the musical but it’s the Ava and Player at the graveyard
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/2ccb2cc587b1597fbc971c5790c40761/f5b1060b6733b226-49/s540x810/58d2550f94da0a9a853c2755a5b2c5d5cab6b64a.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9cf1e2f022a63083a4091b5a0c4be0f8/f5b1060b6733b226-f2/s540x810/79992ec043cda2e86924da2908218306d0279fde.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/fcb5f91616c2b64b17b72ed446b81edf/f5b1060b6733b226-5b/s540x810/d80dd46ba39a73209e870e462af700bf7cd7c200.jpg)
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/49da05cc643a288ea18e22e2916dbed5/f5b1060b6733b226-22/s540x810/b08acd159d90eb2b038000a40f6d6c6ddd41fb6e.jpg)
#khx#khux#my posts#I know nothing about epic but the premise behind it is so cool!!!#and I just love my goodbye#dramatic show tune duets my beloveds 🥰#anyways I think player and ava had a really interesting relationship. or lack thereof I guess#a master who offers you salvation and you with a heart so big that you’re not sure if you want it#after all#what makes you deserve it over everybody else who’s been living the same kind of life as you?#I think after they spent so long looking for her player deserves to express at least some frustration at her actions#and then ava’s also dealing with her own burden of the truth…I wish we knew more of her side#ouugighhh the worms are in my brain
19 notes
·
View notes