#we may have made it out of the writing rut friends

[maroonmused]

dreams unwind (peter parker/wade wilson) – chapter 1/1

“First, Webs,” he breathes unsteadily. “You really gotta stop looking at me like that. Gives a girl butterflies.”

“Wade.”

A full-body shiver runs through the merc and his hands scramble up Peter’s forearms, clamping tight on his wrists. “O-okay. Think we can reach a compromise. Say my name like that again and I’ll probably have this taken care of in a few shakes.”

You ever kill a man before, Webs?

Peter feels like he’s about to.

[supernovafics]

𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃

"i'll be there for you" universe masterlist

pairing: bestfriend!roommate!steve harrington x fem!reader

word count: 1.4k words

warnings: explicit language, fluff

summary: in which steve’s parents are out of town for the weekend so you and him decide to have a barbecue at his house

author's note: i’ve been in a bit of rut with this universe/series lately so i wanted to just write something short and fun for these two<3333

general note: everything in this universe/series can be read as standalone oneshots but to understand the full “lore” it would prob be best to read the other stuff too<333

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Summer 1986

It was probably obvious that both you and Steve didn’t need to go inside to grab the buns and ketchup— that was definitely just a one-person job— but nobody questioned either of you as you headed inside to the kitchen. 

The kids were swimming in the pool, and everyone else was sitting around the patio table. You were pretty sure that Eddie was about to start an impromptu game of truth or dare that Robin seemed enthused about, but Nancy and Jonathan seemed the opposite. All in all, it was safe to say that no one was really paying attention to you or Steve right then.

His arms were circling around you from behind right as the door fell shut behind you both. 

You let out a soft laugh at the abrupt action, but still immediately leaned into his touch. “I’m starting to think that you didn’t wanna come in here just to grab the stuff for the burgers.” 

“Yes, I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive,” His mouth brushed right against your ear and you could practically hear the smile in his voice. “It’s just been really hard to keep my hands to myself for the past few hours— especially seeing you in this bathing suit— and I wanted us to finally be alone for a second.”

Everyone knew about you and Steve, and they had for months at this point, but you both still liked to try and keep the PDA in front of your friends to a minimum. Mainly because of the collective playful groan in disgust you two would receive whenever you kissed for a second longer than was considered decent or when you’d get a bit too handsy with one another in front of everyone. 

That didn’t mean that it was easy to not be so outwardly affectionate with each other. And you knew that if it hadn’t been Steve coaxing you into the kitchen, away from everyone else to steal a kiss or more right then, it probably would’ve been you doing it. 

You shifted around to face him and the towel that you had draped around your shoulders slipped off as your arms came up to rest on his bare shoulders and then circle his neck. 

“I’ve had this bathing suit for practically forever.” 

“Yes, and probably every time I’ve seen you in it, I’ve almost exploded.”

You playfully rolled your eyes but still smiled. “That’s definitely not true.”  

“It’s very true,” He told you as he guided you backward so that you were pressed up against the counter. “We may have been just friends back then, but I wasn’t blind to how hot you are.” 

You could feel your face warm at his words and you only smiled wider at him. “You’re very, very hot too.”

The sound of everyone talking and laughing outside faded away when Steve’s head dipped down a bit and his lips slotted against yours. His hands found your hips, fingers pressing into the exposed skin. He quickly lifted you onto the counter, which made you let out a surprised yelp against his mouth, but you didn’t pull away from him. Your fingers carded through his damp hair and any thought of getting what you were supposed to grab from the kitchen was long forgotten. 

Even the thought of what was happening outside slipped from your mind— the barbecue that Steve had suggested doing as a celebration of sorts because Summer had just started, the kids finished their first year of high school, and everyone else had graduated just a few days ago. 

You weren’t thinking about that or the fact that it was the first weekend of many that his parents would be gone for the Summer, so days like this would definitely be happening more often than not. 

All you could focus on was Steve’s mouth on yours and his fingers beginning to teasingly slip inside the waistband of your red and white bathing suit bottoms; he so easily turned your mind into a pile of mush. You let out a soft sound that only egged him on further and you were certain that he would’ve pulled the damp fabric right off of you if it wasn’t for the sound of the door that led to the backyard opening. 

You were detaching from each other immediately and you hopped off the counter, quickly reaching down to grab your towel that had fallen and place it back around your shoulders. 

Max squinted at you both for a second and then she shook her head. “Ew, I don’t even wanna know what you two were just doing.”

“We’re just grabbing the buns and ketchup,” Steve said with a quick shrug and you simply nodded in agreement. 

“Mhm, yeah, right,” She deadpanned before heading off in the direction of the bathroom. 

You stepped away from Steve and went into the pantry to finally grab the hamburger buns and ketchup. 

“Do your parents come back tomorrow or Monday?”

“Monday.”

“Okay, that gives us more than enough time to clean up then,” You said as you turned back to face him and handed over the ketchup. “Because this place will probably be a mess after everyone stays over tonight.”

“Very true,” He nodded. “Y’know, I’m just realizing that we’ve never… done anything in my old room.”

He didn’t outwardly say what he meant, but you read through the lines pretty easily. 

“And we definitely aren’t going to do anything tonight,” You told him with a shake of your head. “You’re way too loud for that.”

He softly laughed. “I think that’s all you.” 

In all honesty, it was probably equal, but you didn’t want to admit that right then. 

Steve leaned in to kiss you but you turned your head at the last second so his lips grazed your cheek instead. 

“Come on, we need to head back outside,” You told him, but before you made it anywhere near the door, he placed the ketchup on the kitchen counter and pulled you back toward him again. 

You couldn’t help but let out a laugh at his eagerness. “Steve.”

He placed the sweetest kiss against your neck and then your cheek. “Just one more second.”

That was a complete lie and you were certain of it; one second, one minute, one anything, always turned into much, much longer. But you still felt yourself finally nodding at him anyway. 

“Okay,” You mumbled, maneuvering around to face him which made your towel fall again. He didn’t waste a second to lean in and kiss you, and his hands quickly found your waist, softly stroking the parts of your skin that your bathing suit didn’t cover. Your free hand went up to the nape of his neck so that you could push yourself closer to him; chest to chest, skin against skin. 

You had a feeling that he was going to lead you over to the counter again and lift you back onto it, and then settle himself between your spread legs again for the time being— which would completely go against his “one more second” statement, but you honestly would’ve been fine with that. 

But then, you heard the bathroom door down the hall open and then shut and you two were abruptly pulling away from each other again. 

“Okay, we actually need to head back outside,” You told him as you reached down to grab your towel. 

“Fine, fine,” Steve said and started following you out the door. He helped you adjust your towel back over your shoulders and then placed the quickest, and probably most chaste, kiss against your cheek. Still, though, you felt your heart warm at the action and you were smiling widely at him. 

“Hey, lovebirds, truth or dare?” Eddie asked as you and Steve headed over to the patio table. 

You shrugged as you placed the buns down. “I don’t know, truth, I guess.”

“What were you two just doing in the kitchen?” He asked, the tiniest of a smirk on his face. 

You hesitated for a second— a second that actually felt like so much longer— before responding. “Oh, um, we were grabbing the ketchup and buns for the burgers, duh.” 

Steve nodded. “Yup.”

Eddie shook his head, laughing a bit. “Horrible, horrible liars. Where’s the ketchup?”

You turned to Steve— because you remembered that you had handed the ketchup to him when you were back inside— and immediately noticed his empty hands. “Steve.”

“Shit, my bad.”

Seconds later, Max was emerging from the house, bottle of ketchup in hand. “You guys forgot this.” 

She placed it on the table and then headed back over to the pool. 

“So, the question still stands,” Eddie said. “What were you two doing in there?” 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know ur thoughts<333

(requests are open for stuff you wanna see in the universe/series!🫶🏾)

[moonstruckme]

part 3 of sirius x remus's roommate reader when+? +$? $???? ur writing is too good frs

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

Thanks sweetheart! I made an inference, so I hope I caught your meaning here haha (upon further reflection, I may have jumped to conclusions....but here you go anyway)

cw: smut, mdni, everything is consensual !

modern au

Sirius Black x fem!reader ♡ 900 words

“Come on, gorgeous, make some sounds for me,” Sirius says, and instead you swirl your hips, laughing when he groans. 

“You first,” you tease. 

Sirius tightens his grip on you in response, fingers digging into the fat of your hips. Your breath catches in your throat, but you do your best to keep the effects of his touch from showing on your face. 

It’s always a power play with you two, and this is no different. Sirius is determined to make you finish first, and you’re determined to foil him. That being said, you don’t have all day. Remus has only gone study in the library, and the last thing you want is for him to come home to the ambient noise of his roommate and his best friend fucking in the room opposite his. You quicken your pace, and Sirius’ features tighten, hands moving hastily to your sides, trying to slow you despite what his body so clearly wants. 

“Come on, pretty boy,” you croon, but you’re panting, your clit finding traction with every movement of your hips. 

“Getting tired?” Sirius asks, something close to desperation in his tone. “We can switch.” 

“Not tired,” you say feebly, but Sirius is already stabilizing your hips against his, careful but efficient as he flips you over. He folds himself over you, sucking your bottom lip into his mouth while pushing further inside you. His teeth scrape over your lip cruelly as he moves tantalizingly slow, dragging against the back wall of your cunt. You writhe underneath him. “Fuck,” you gasp. “No fair.” 

“Sorry, darling,” he hums, not sounding very sorry at all. He nips playfully at your shoulder, relishing in your unraveling. “Can’t help myself, you just look so pretty like this.” 

Sirius looks rather pretty himself. It’s really not fair for any boy to have eyelashes so long that they brush his cheekbones, or hair so Stygian black that it glows silvery blue in the moonlight coming in through the window. His eyes are darker than you’ve ever seen them, pupils blown wide enough to nearly eclipse his irises, and the smirk that twists his lips is as hot as it is infuriating. 

You try to regain the upper hand, leaning upwards to kiss under his ear where you know he likes it, but Sirius’s thumb finds your clit, drawing sloppy figure-eights over the bead until you’re arching unwillingly into his touch. 

“Fuck.” There’s frustration to be found even in your whimper as Sirius picks up his pace, rutting faster and deeper inside you. “Fuck fuck fuck—”

“You can do it, sweet thing,” he coos encouragingly. “Cum for me.” 

You could pick any one of the words that have just left his mouth to be your undoing, but together, they’re a fatal combination. You go limp under Sirius, but his cheers are short-lived before they give way to a groan as he finds his own release. Dizzy with your high, you laugh against his lips while his fingers stutter and slow on your clit. Sirius buries his head in your neck, and you blow a piece of his hair—it’s soft as dandelion fluff, the asshole—away from your mouth. 

“What’re you laughing at?” he pants. “I won.” 

“You cheated,” you argue, though you know he had, technically, beaten you. It had felt like a win for you, though. “Doesn’t count. Plus, you were like, two seconds behind me.” 

Sirius chuckles, and you tense as he lifts his head, one dark swath of eyebrow raised impossibly high. “Yeah?” he asks, getting his breathing under control as he slides out of you. His eyes stay on yours, challenge glinting like a single star in the abyss of his pupils while he moves down your body. “I bet I can get you there again in five minutes or less.” 

You try to scoff, but it comes out pitchy as his hands sweep confidently across your thighs. “There’s no way.” 

Sirius’ incisors flash when he grins. “You’re on, sweetheart.” 

You tense in anticipation, but then you hear the distinct sound of a key jiggling in the front door. You and Sirius both freeze, hardly breathing as your finicky lock clicks this way and that. 

“Rain check?” you ask quietly, and Sirius nods, grabbing his pants from your floor and tossing you your shirt. You both tug on your clothes as quickly as possible, and you’ve never been more grateful for the difficulty of opening the door to your apartment, sending a silent apology to your landlord for all the times you’ve bugged him to fix it. You even have time to check your appearance in the mirror, running your fingers through your hair before going to help Remus with the door. 

“Hey, Moons,” Sirius says, sitting casually on your couch as Remus comes in. “How was the library?” 

“It was good,” Remus replies, setting down his book bag and slipping off his shoes. “How has your night been?” 

“Good. You know, fine,” you say, with what you hope is convincing insouciance. Sirius shoots you a look that conveys an eye roll without giving one. “That lock, huh? I can’t believe they haven’t fixed it yet.” 

“I don’t know how you have so many problems with it,” Remus replies briskly, going down the hall to his room. “It always works fine for me, I just thought you might appreciate the notice to put your clothes back on.”

[nocturnalrorobin]

TWIN FLAMES

Heat x f!reader

@fanaticsnail, here's a little treat from your friend @quinloki. I tried my best to stick to the request (NSFW Fluff vibes, with with some Soul Mate AU or BDSM AU, maybe Heat being pliant when horny >.> Or some Lazy Morning sex, OR some body writing ) , but the fic sort of hot away from me. I hope you like it! 💝

Cw: piv, cunnilingus, body paint, blindfold, failed attempt to lazy morning sex

Minors DNI

“Twin flames in the shape of a heart,just like our mark.” He kissed the crown of your head. “I'm never letting you go again and no one will come between us again. I promise you that my love.” He held you tight and you nuzzled into him.

You woke up before Heat, your cheeks immediately flushing, remembering the previous night. Your finger traced over the scars on his face, down to the coarse lips of his Glasgow smile. A part of you will always blame itself for not being there to help him, but the night he was made an example of in front of everyone was when your parents left the island with you and never looked back. Your parents always told you that if Heat was truly your soulmate, the two of you would be bound to meet again. Now, here you were, both of your flaming marks no longer greyed out. 

“Do they bother you?” Heat's sunken eyes stared at you. He wouldn't blame you at all if the scars were a deal-breaker; it's how it usually went in the past. You flinched when he suddenly spoke. You were so engrossed in your thoughts that you didn't notice him opening his eyes. 

“What are you saying, my flame? You are perfect the way you are!” You smothered his face with ginger kisses. “I just got lost in thought and parts of me will always blame itself for not helping you back then. I Should have done something, but my parents took me and I was so weak.” Soft sniffles could be heard from you; you weren't even aware that you held this in.  

“Hey, none of that, my love. I never once blamed you. We were both kids; I’m glad your parents took you to safety. I always knew I would find you again; I was just worried my scars disgusted you. This is how it usually goes, so.” He held you close and caressed your back while he explained, but you noticed his expression was more melancholic than it normally is.  

“It’s their loss. You are mine anyway.” You stated and gently bit his lower lip so that he would give you access. The kiss quickly grew more heated as your tongues wrestled for dominance.  You heard soft whimpers from him as you pulled him on top of you and pushed your tongue between his lips. You felt something hard poking at your ass trying to get some friction. You humped your hips towards his crotch. 

“Hmmm please my flame…” He desperately rutted his hard cock on your clothed pussy, hungrily kissing you. 

“Please what, my dear? You have to be more specific!” You grabbed his hair and made him look into your eyes. 

“I want to fuck you. Please, I wanna feel you. I will do anything.” He begged.

“If you are a good boy and make me cum you may fuck me.” You promised him. Heat beamed at you, eyes sparkling. 

Heat got up from the bed and went to one of his cabinets. “Be a good girl and take off your clothes!” You did as you were told, excitedly biting your lower lip. He bound your hands above your head to the bed and blindfolded you as he returned. His warm rough fingertips trailed down your right leg, you whined at the sensations. When he reached your foot, he knelt down covering it in gentle kisses, before spreading it to the side so he could bind it to the end of the bed. He did the same to your left foot, before gingerly tracing back up on your leg. He quickly took off his shirt and shorts and joined you in bed. 

You felt the bed dip when he came back, he positioned himself above you, and for a moment you could have sworn he used his flames on something. “How does that feel, my flame?” He used something against your nipple and then down to your clit. You couldn't quite figure out at first what it was, but when it brushed your clit and made you wiggle involuntarily you could feel bristles. 

“Is that a brush?” You quizzed, but something warm drizzled on your chest down to your belly before you got an answer. Heat started drawing over your left nipple while his right hand spread the chocolate body paint all over your upper body. He enjoyed the way your body twitched with every touch of his hand or brush; you mewled as the rough pad of his thumb caressed your right nipple, only to move on seconds later. The brush eventually hovered over your clit, but first, he gingerly ran the brush over the outer parts of your pussy anywhere but where you wanted him, and he knew it.  

“Hmmm, Heat. Please I need it.” You humped your hips forward, trying to get some friction to no avail.

“Yes, my flame. What do you need?” He feigned ignorance with a chuckle. 

“You. I wanna feel you. I wanna cum. Please.” You whined. 

“Tsk, tsk. What to do? My masterpiece isn’t finished.” He faked contemplation before he threw the brush across the room and spread your lips so he could take a slow, long lick swipe with his tongue. He circled your clit with the tip of his tongue while he gently eased in one of his large fingers. You bucked your hips as you felt him wrap his lips around your clit and suck it. You groaned as he added a second finger and bent them in the come-hither motion, making sure always to reach that spongy spot deep inside of you. He quickly added a third; you were so wet and needy for him. As your breathing became more erratic, you wanted to grab his hair and push his head closer, but you couldn’t. Heat noticed you were struggling with your cuffs and bit into your thigh. “Stop struggling, or I won’t let you cum, my Flame.”

“I’ll be good Heat. I promise.” You whined fucking yourself on his fingers. Heat kissed the bitemark and went back to sucking and licking your clit. The thrusts of fingers increased, and after two more swipes of his tongue, you were shaking and moaning around him. Heat worked you through your high and then gently pulled out fingers.

“Open your mouth, my love, and clean the mess you made.” He ordered and pushed his fingers inside your mouth. You whined at the taste of your own release and flicked your tongue around his fingers, and sucked on them, finishing them off with a pop. Heat kissed you while removing the blindfold and cuffs and then moved to free your legs. 

Heat cuddled close to you, his hard cock poking at your side. You rolled on top of him and slowly slid your fingers down his upper body that now had paint on him as well. You hovered your pussy at his tip, but didn't move down. “I'm not sure if you deserve your price, only good boys get to cum.” You instantly felt bad when he whimpered, but you tried to hide that fact. 

“But I was a good boy.” His sad puppy eyes looked into your soul and his grip on your hip turned almost bruisingly. He couldn't take it anymore and thrusted up into you with brutal pace, his lips devouring yours. “I'm sorry.” He mumbled between the hungry kisses. “But you teased me for too long.” His kisses went down from your jaw to your neck all while you bounced on him in rhythm with his thrusts.

“He-Heat, please don't stop!” You begged. Hiding your face in the crook of his neck. Heat thought you were an absolute vision, the way you were all blissed out on him. Heats thrusts quickly became more erratic as your gummy walls took his release. You hit your second high shortly after, collapsing onto him. 

“What were you trying to paint anyway?” You looked down on yourself, but it was way too smudged to see. 

[crescencestudio]

2023: A Year of Connection

Hi everyone!

As I told you last month, this month's "devlog" will be more like an end-of-year recap. For those of you who have known me a while, you'll know that I get ~in my feels~ and Very Nostalgic at the end of the year. And this year is no exception to that.

Looking back on this year, I realize I did much more than I thought I did. The year was filled with so many waves of uncertainty, burnout, and ruts, that I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything in the moment. Now that the year has actually wrapped up, I can see that was Once Again my imposter syndrome whispering words of sweet nothings into my ears.

In fact, this year, I find that I did Way More than what I did last year. Crazy, considering how busy I remember 2022 being. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Writing

If there is one thing this bitch did, it's fucking write LFMASODIJ. For all my complaining this year of routes taking too long, getting creative ruts, etc., I still wrote (what I consider) a Very Good amount. While I may not have hit my writing goals that I had set out, I still ended up writing around 255k words in total this year. Most of this being for Alaris, and some of it being for my dissertation (LOL) and other side games, like Intertwine and Jam Games.

This number also doesn't include deleted passages, edited passages, etc., so the amount I've spent writing, reviewing, etc. was Significant this year. Here's to hoping that momentum continues into next year and finishing the rest of Alaris!

Side Games

Something completely unexpected, but that I'll forever be grateful for, was my decision(s) to join game jams this year. It all started with Otojam, a visual novel jam I'd wanted to join for a WHILE.

Intertwine was, without a doubt, one of my most memorable moments from this year. The friends I made/grew closer to during that jam. The people I connected with because of Intertwine. The people I got to work with. Everything about the experience surpassed my expectations, and Van and Summer 2023 will always hold a very special place in my heart because of it. Thank you to everyone who enjoyed that game. It was my first full game I ever released, and I couldn't have been more nervous about it (no literally. I wasn't sleeping and I was nauseous for a week before release).

Knowing there was no "revision" afterwards that I could hide behind or promise that there would be a "better"/"enhanced" version made the release terrifying. But the reception you all gave to it and support from so many friends made me feel so connected and grateful for the community.

The other three side projects were... well, Unexpected. LOL. Before these jams, I'd never wanted to work in team settings, mostly because I have Mad Imposter Syndrome, and I've always imagined I'd be dead weight in any given game dev team. My skills on writing, art, and/or coding alone aren't "exemplary" enough for me to think I, well, deserve to be on a team. But when a couple of short jams were being held by a friend, and teams were being made filled with other friends, I thought maybe I could help, even if it's just to QA/playtest. But I've walked away from each of these experiences learning so much from other talented people and with very dear friends.

Each of these side games truly tested my chops in terms of writing, narrative design, and coding. But I'm glad I challenged myself to take part in each of these experiences because I've walked away with so much more than I would've expected.

Alaris

My Heart. My Soul. And at times, My Worst Enemy.

As much as I may have talked about how I Wasn't making progress on this baby. I, in fact, made A LOT of progress:

Art: 15 CGs, Updated Sprites, Kickstarter Artwork

Commissions: 20 BGs, Complete GUI, Personality/Affection Indicators, Editing, Voice Acted Lines, Complete OST (8 Tracks!)

Writing: Three Finished Routes

Shipped Kickstarter Merchandise

I'm going to be Real with you all. I'm not in the mood to recap everything for Alaris in the way I did with everything else LAFKMSDFOIJWOEI. Main reason being, I do that Every Month, and at this point, I would feel like I'm repeating myself for no reason. But let me tell you, when the Enhanced Demo comes out, you will see what I'm talking about with progress made. And I'm excited for the next year when I start getting to show things off (read: Demo Release and Route Beta Releases) now that assets have really come together ^^

I will say, thank you for sticking with this project for so long. It's easy to get bogged down in development when a project like this is as big as it is. It's just as easy to think that no one will care about this by the time I release, or people will start losing their patience with me as development goes on. So I'm forever grateful for how kind, supportive, and patient you all are, especially this year <3

Connections: The True Theme of 2023

If you've made it this far, I'm extremely impressed with you. And to reward you, I'll give you a moment of honesty and vulnerability which, to be frank, I Don't Do as a person and especially with my dev persona LMFAOO ((Before I do, let it be known, CW: mention of death, grief, alcoholism, chronic illness, suicidal thoughts))

Something I don't talk about much is that for all of 2022 and most of 2023, I was not in a good place mentally. At the beginning of 2022, I lost three very important people in my life back-to-back (I'm not exaggerating when I say back-to-back it was within 2 weeks, three separate deaths lol). That, on its own, was hard to deal with. But on top of that, I soon found myself having to cope/help with a family member's chronic illness and another family member's mental health (read: alcoholism, suicidality).

While this isn't a particularly unique situation, it was one that I found myself struggling with pretty severely on top of a pretty demanding work life. And it was a situation I found myself in until about midway through this year. Things have lightened up. I navigate a new life with some pretty severe triggers, and without the presence of some of my most loved ones. But overall, I at least feel like I can breathe and function, which is a state I didn't feel like I could exist in for over a year (and started to believe I may never exist in again).

Because of this new room in my life, I was able to connect with people again, in a more genuine way. I've grown closer to a lot of dev friends, to the point I consider some of them genuine close friends. And IRL, I've been able to reconnect with some of my dearest loved ones. The main reason I bring all of this up is because this year, I felt unbelievably connected to people, whether that was dev friends in the community, people who support my games, and IRL people.

And sometimes, when you interact with people solely online, it's easy to think they don't care as much about you as you do for them. But this has been disproven to me time and time again this year. And I've found myself in a state of appreciation for so many of the people I've been blessed to meet and befriend <3 I felt this especially so during some of the game jams, with the Secret Santa gift exchange, and with my recent Holiday Tree.

So thank you for everyone who has let me take up some space in their life. You literally Do Not Know how much it means to me and impacts me. This year, while I started it in a state of slightly hopelessness and numbness, I find myself ending it with gratitude and connection.

I hope the rest of this year (the very few couple of days we have left LOL) treats everyone well. I'm excited for how we get to start 2024 and what we'll get to experience together <3 Thank you again for the memories and support, love you all very dearly ^^

[kimmiessimmies]

Make this night count...

"Look at all the colours! Isn't it pretty, James?"

"Very. The view is great from up here."

"It was a good idea to book this room for tonight."

"I'm full of good ideas."

"We have made things difficult for her this year, haven't we, James?"

"For whom, lovely?"

"Our author. This. Us. It was never part of her plan, was it?"

"No, but, haven't we also made things great for her?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Well, we've made things great for us, either way, Sade."

"Cheers to that, lovely."

"Sade..."

"Hmm...?"

"You wouldn't let me kiss you under the mistletoe because of where it might lead, but... since we're here now... Will you let me kiss you for New Year's?"

"Umm... No, I don't think so...

"Oh... Sorry..."

"I'm not going to let you kiss me for New Year's, James, because I'm going to kiss you first."

"Wha..."

"Happy New Year, you."

"Happy New Year, my girl..."

......

....

...

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think she'll let us be together in the new year?"

"We'll have to see, love... Let's make this night count while we're here..."

My dear followers,

This year has been very... intense... for me. I already wrote a long post about my mental health struggles, which put a huge stamp on my year. However, 2023 will also forever be the year I went back to my Sims, back to my stories, and back to Tumblr.

I spent five years away. Both because real life took over and because I had gotten into a rut with my Sims and the story. I never forgot them, though, and never stopped loving them. And suddenly, somewhere in February, it clicked. Everything fell into place, and I knew where I wanted to go with it all. In fact, it was this boy up here, my dearest James, who pulled me back. His story was suddenly clear as day to me. But how to begin? So, in March, I decided to just start writing. Then, I dusted off my game, found that all shortcuts and cheats were apparently in my muscle memory, and started shooting pictures to go with what I had written. And once I got going, I didn't stop. Everything I wrote in 2023 (and that's a lot!) even if it seemed unrelated, was geared towards James's story and the big moment that still lies ahead. However... As I've emphasised several times by now, I didn't account for this girl... So now it's like James said, "We'll have to see."

Coming back to my story brought me so much this year; I went from gameplay-based to story-based and found out how much I truly LOVE writing and how much it helps me, especially now that I'm going through rough times. Encouraged and inspired by someone dear to me, my story gained a title and came to Tumblr in full. I learnt to not only accept the benefits of poses, but how incredibly enhancing they can be to bring my ideas to life when used right. I reconnected with old contacts and made new connections too, some of whom proved to be true friends outside of this Tumblr/Sims world too. I've loved getting caught up on the stories I used to follow and discovering new ones. I've been amazed at how good CC has become in five years and pleasantly surprised to see there's still a good crowd playing TS3 in addition to the great things some of you are doing with TS4. All of this has been bright spots in my darkness.

And now we're entering 2024. I hope it will be light and bright for all of us. May the good days outnumber the bad ones and may we continue to feel the joy these little pixel-people bring us. Happy New Year to you and yours.

Much love. ❤️

-Kim

P.s. I know, I know; Some of you are now very disappointed you didn't get to see James and Sadie "making the night count." Just for all of you filthy animals I have one more post in this non-canon series set to go. Be forewarned; this one is very NSFW (And Not Suitable To View At New Year's Parties With Lots Of People Around) and will be labelled mature. I also have a sneaking suspicion it'll take Tumblr about 3 seconds to take it down, so I have an alternative post with Pillowfort link waiting in the wings. Going live as the the New Year hits where I am, at midnight GMT+1. See them making the night count by clicking here!

[thekatebridgerton]

Another favorite au I've never talked about in this blog is omegaverse which is a pity because it's one of the ones I like the most. Soooo even tho I don't know how to write smut...let's take a shot at it shall we?. At least for Kanthony Polin and Philoise

Kanthony: as an extremely headstrong Omega with a very sweet smelling younger Omega sister, Kate pretends to be an alpha to scare off unworthy suitors, using a scent blocker. Everyone buys her ruse except this one extremely dominant Alpha who really seems to want to get close to Edwina, but Kate won't let him, Edwina deserves to be mated for love and she's going to fight Anthony every step of the way. When it comes to Kate, Anthony has never smelled a better Omega in his life, which is made worse by the fact that everyone seems to think she's an Alpha, when Anthony knows she's not!. It doesn't help that her Omega challenges him at every turn, this sort of thing from an Alpha would certainly not be a problem but coming from an Omega her behavior just stimulates his Alpha's desire to campture, subdue and dominate her. If she doesn't start acting like her designation, it's going to make Anthony snap and bed her into submission. For Kate, it really doesn't help that her Omega is almost feral in it's possessiveness, Kate doesn't want Anthony around her, but neither does her Omega want him around others. And his Alpha likes that too much. Really, accepting that invitation to tour Aubrey Hall is such a bad idea. But she just had to say yes to spite him.

Polin: because she grew up so repressed Penelope has a health condition that makes Omega scent almost untraceable to the normal people. As a result everyone thinks she's a Beta and she's given up on love.( No matter how delicious a certain third son Alpha has always smelled to her). The only times she feels she can truly be herself is when she's writing Lady Whistledown columns, which is when she feels actually heard and seen. Colin on the other hand has known the scent of his mate since Daphne debut. The problem is that the scent comes and goes, sometimes it can be in a ballroom for a second and then completely disappear, only to appear again somewhere else and disappear again. He swears he even tracked it down to the Featherington house once, only for the scent to disappear again and reappear near the house of the Featherington solicitor. It's maddening. And nobody believes him about it. So he thinks there's something wrong with him. When his good friend Penelope decides to enter spinsterhood, and he begins seeing more of her, the maddening Omega scent begins showing up more frequently and it drives his Alpha more crazy, why is his Omega hiding? He needs to claim her!. Penelope on the other hand is trying to get her stupid scent flares under control before Colin figures out she's lady Whistledown, Besides didn't Colin say he'd never mate Penelope Featherington in his wildest dreams? They're obviously not mates no matter how delicious he smells to her. And she really can't help how much her Omega blooms in happiness whenever she's doing LW things. Penelope is determined not to let Colin interfere, she's lived her life without making mistakes and she's not going to let her designation give her away, not now this close to retirement. But the moment Colin suspects Penelope may have a secret lover, he follows her, catching her in the act and nothing is there to stop a furious Colin from chasing after her and claiming her. Not even Penelope's stubborn insistence that she's NOT HIS MATE. It doesn't help that he just went into a rut, that only she can take care of and Now he just won't let her go

Philoise: everyone in Mayfair knew Eloise was that weird Omega who never ever wanted to have pups, which made it unlikely she'd ever find a mate one day. So when Penelope asks her to check on Cousin Marina's widow on her way to Benedict's estate, Eloise thinks nothing of it, after all she's been exchanging letters with Sir Phillip and he's never been anything but extremely polite with her. It's not until she's actually in Romney hall that his scent hits her, the scent of an unmated Alpha in his prime, with two motherless pups. And for the first time in her life Eloise nonexistent nurturing Omega instincts kick in. Because those two unruly pups need so much, how could Sir Phillip allow them to go without being held for so long, Eloise can't believe their first instinct when seeing an Omega in their territory is to try to drive her out. They need to get clean clothes, they need to be better feed and definitely a better nanny. Eloise can't just leave while they're so hurt. Alpha smells like mate but Alpha has been bad, Alpha needs to be re educated!. As for Phillip, he never expected the sweetest smelling Omega in the world to burst into his life and start giving orders. But she's so perfect his Alpha would gladly follow her to the end of the world. He's never been a conventional dominant Alpha, he doesn't think Eloise needs him to protect her, but she does need the comforting presence of an Alpha who will accept her as she is. And if she's started to build a nest with his things he'll pretend he doesn't see it. After all he needs to prove himself to her first, Phillip just needs to show her he can be a good provider and good father for the pups who already love her so much. Meanwhile Eloise knows it's just a matter of time before her proximity to Phillip's decadent scent triggers her heat and she needs to get to Benedict's estate before she begs him to mate her. But the pups don't want her to go, what should she do? She's never had pups need her before, Phillip needs her too, Alpha would be so sad if she... Oh gosh this is not the time for a breakthrough heat! And Did Phillip just growl?

An: I just wish more for more Bridgerton abo to be honest. It's really hot okay

[light-of-delphi]

Icarus and Apollo

This post isn't exactly about Icarus and Apollo, but more about Apollo and myself and a particular story that I have to share from a point in my practice when things got hard. No hard trigger warnings - just vague illusions to SA and S/H. Nothing explicit

During COVID, I was locked indoors, as we all were. So, I turned to my online friends. My partner. And a new friend I had made who ended up being a stalker, an abuser, and a user.

My parents were also going through a rough patch, and one of my siblings was growing more and more problematic in the household and I was confronting trauma that I was put through at the hands of another family member. So, you could say things were intense.

But even with that, I still had to attend classes, care for the family dog, make time to do chores, and do homework, all while dealing with personal turmoil that ate at me the more I didn't address it. And when I did end up addressing a string of events that I faced at the hands of my brother, my family didn't believe me.

All I heard for a while was "why didn't you tell us when it happened," and "he's your brother, so you can't say anything. To anyone" and "what happens in this house stays in this house." A lack of support from my family, and a lack of support from my school. I told my guidance counselor that my parents didn't do anything upon being told about what happened. He didn't do anything despite being a mandated reporter.

I was at my wits end. Everything was pulling me in all sorts of different directions and I was getting closer to the point where I couldn't take it. I almost started harming myself, but didn't, I knew it was impractical in the sense that there was no way my household wouldn't find out about the behaviors.

So I turned to Apollo. I asked Apollo for help. I asked him to help me find comfort, find some way to get through this rut I was stuck in.

And he called me Icarus in a dream. I had flown far too close to the sun, there was so much on my plate and I had to downsize or else I was going to catch fire and burn as I fell, just like Icarus did.

So my partner and I cut off that abusive friend. I fought for my own room in the house so I could feel safer. I sort of fell off when it came to doing school work, I won't lie about that. But I could hardly get the work done, so I wasn't going to push myself. I worked slowly. I relaxed. I took my time. I quit burning the candle at both ends.

And I put more faith in Apollo during this time, too. He let me lean on him. Through one of my darkest and hardest times, he was there. My mom surprised me with a yellow candle from the dollar store and I knew immediately that it was his. It was from him, so I lit it for him. He became my lifeline for a while. And I love him for it.

Somewhere down the line, we became closer, and I decided to godspouse with him. Apollo means everything to me. He's the absolute light of my life. And I know that, on days when the sun beats down on my skin harder than others, it's a sign to slow down. Take a minute. Relax. Even if I'm overthinking it and it isn't a sign, there is nothing wrong with being in the moment and taking some time to breathe.

Even still, as I write this, I'm getting emotional simply thinking about him. Thinking about how much he cares about me, how fond he is of me, and I think, why, of all people, did he choose me to be fond of? And I know that, at some point in the near future, he'll send me a reminder of why, as is our little routine. Lord Apollo is delightful. And I will always, always speak highly of my sunshine. He has never done me wrong, not once.

Remember, even in your lowest moments, your deities are there for you. And they see you. And they care about you and they want to help you, you just need to let them in. Blessed be, and may the sun be your guide. A domani.

[trektraveler]

A Writer's Review.... Promised by jawritter

I am a writer. I was born to be one, its my joy and my torment. And it is my honor.

I find new and utterly fantasic stories here daily and I am honored to be a contributing member of the writing community! Each and every one of these authors is a gem. They selfelessly share their intricate worlds with us so that we can escape! It is a public service and vital to my personal well-being. There are not words to express my gratitude.... but that doesn't mean I won't still try to find some!

As writers, we read. Even more than we write. So... what do we read? Here is an in-depth review of one of my favorites! Along with a few other recommendations. I intend to post reviews regularly. I've got quite a list of stories I adore, but I'm always lookig for more! So please share this review and send a few reccomendations my way! Tag your own stories, tag other people... I don't want to miss any of them! Thank you all and share the love!!

Story Name: Promised

Author: jawritter

Character Pairing: Alpha!Jensen x Omega!reader

Length: 10 Chapters, 25,084 words total

Story Type: Series - ABO, AU Real life, Mob dynamics, Age gap

Author’s Description: In a world where your presentation can be a blessing or a curse, a newly presented Omega will come face to face with the harsh reality of Alphas, Omegas, and pack alliances that are expected to be upheld with the union of your two families.

Warnings:  ABO dynamics! Smut, unprotected smut, knotting, claiming, mating, heat, rut, language, overly protective Jensen, age gap! 19-year-old reader, 41-year-old Jensen, virgin reader, loss of virginity, sort of an arranged marriage, hint at possible mob type settings.

My Two Cents:  They say you never forget your first, and that is certainly the case for me!  This absolute gem of a story was my introduction to the world of ABO fan fiction (aka Alpha/Beta/Omega) and I’ve been hooked ever since!  This may be in part to the perspective of the reader, who is a novice.  Young and naïve to the world in general as well as to the complex dynamics between Alphas and Omegas.  This allowed me to discover and understand this unique concept at the same pace the reader did. 

Our dear author is truly a master at quickly establishing the relationship bonds between the main characters and their prospective families and friends.  I greatly appreciate this quality in a story.  Background information is crucial in a well-developed character but can be clunky when not handled with finesse.  Here, those relationships are woven in seamlessly to the over-all plot but never weigh the story down.  Bravo!

Another highlight are the physical descriptions.  Anyone who knows Jensen Ackles from his work, can easily imagine him in a reader insert story. 

That is, after all, why we are all here! 

Yet this story is filled with vivid details that even I hadn’t thought of in my wildest daydreams!  There is a visceral warmth to this version of Jensen that I find beyond appealing.  I find myself rereading this story most often when I am feeling uncertain in my life.  When I need to feel that someone strong is in charge, so I don’t have to be, Alpha Jensen has me. 

Favorite Chapter: Chapter Nine. Here we get to see Jensen let loose his primal Alpha instincts that he’s kept under careful control up until this point.  And its glorious!  It has the best elements of how vicious Demon Dean could be and focused it in a powerful man who is willing to do anything in defense of his mate.  Fantastic!  He’s desperate and he’s truly dangerous in this chapter.  And I am here for it! Favorite Line: “You know, before I came here tonight with Y/n I promised her something…. I promised her I would protect her. You made me break that promise.. I don’t appreciate that. I’ll be spending the rest of my life making it up to her….”  “I told her if you tried anything I’d rip your throat out….. With my teeth…”

Jensen’s vision went red, All he saw was red… 

Why I Love it:  It’s the perfect length.  I read one shots and they have their place, but I always find myself wanting more of that world!  But let’s face it, some series’ (although awesome!) are long, and that’s a commitment.  I don’t always have the luxury of time, this length strikes just the right balance.  I get Jensen in a protective but not possessive role.  I get a naïve reader who is innocent but not spineless.  I get steamy sex scenes.  I get an interesting but not over-bearing mob dynamic.  There is plenty of threat but not much violence, which is a nice change up. 

Mood I’m in When I Read it– I’m a strong person, but there are times when I need someone else to be strong.  I need to be comforted.  I need to believe in love and escape.  And when I am feeling over-whelmed, I often come here and let Alpha Jensen take the reins for a while.  He does a great job!

I Want More! : If you loved this as much as I did, here are some other stand-out stories that you might enjoy… Feral @jawritter Can We Fix Us @jawritter If Its Meant to Be (Alpha Beau x Omega Reader) @jawritter Unleashed @supersleepygoat Reasons @merethehunter Feral @luci-in-trenchcoats The Things We Don’t Believe In (Alpha!Sam x Omega!reader) @thecleverdame

[well-good-luck-with-that]

I have a request 😏

Please could you write Leo and becks at inter miami, where becks goes into rut and Leo offers to help. They have messed around before but it never had a label on it and becks has helped Leo through his heat before.

Leo says its just 'returning a favour' but really he's in love and is just using it as an excuse.

As for the porn 👀

Knotting ofc, and becks being rough and possessive but often snaps out of it to apologise and comfort Leo who is actually loving it and finds it very cute how much becks cares about him.

Afterwards they have a talk and admit their feelings

I hope this is enough detail! We can talk on discord if you need more 🥺

And ofc you don't need to write this if you don't want to ❤️

David knows he’s in trouble as soon as he manages to stumble towards the changing rooms at Florida Blue. Over the last few months, his ruts have been some of the worst of his life, and also much more frequent. His doctor says it’s just hormones… that this kind of thing can happen as an alpha gets older, but nobody mentioned just how painfully mortifying they could be when you have to spend them alone.

It doesn’t help now they’ve managed to sign Leo. Lionel Messi. David still can’t believe his long-time friend has agreed to come and play for Inter… the omega could have his pick of any club in any league in any country. Yet he’s come to David. He tries not to think too deeply about that, but it’s hard given their history together. They may not have ever played together on the same team, but their connection across the footballing world has been undeniable.

Whilst the pair may not have crossed paths on the pitch, it hadn’t taken long for a young Messi to take an interest in football-superstar David Beckham, who had the global success and brand that most players could only ever dream of. As Leo’s career took off, the press loved to compare his every move to that of the alpha; something Beckham only ever played off in interviews to highlight Messi’s skill, his humility, and admiration. When they finally met in person at a charity gala for human rights, it was only natural that they would end up firm friends.

Except, they weren’t exactly just friends. There was something about meeting another person who knew exactly how you felt… what you’d been through, what you were currently going through, and what you aimed to achieve. Leo had stars in his eyes, and Becks could only admire the young player’s talent. It wasn’t long before Becks was pushing a whimpering, desperate Leo through his front door and into his bed and making him scream, and the rest was history. Whenever they were in the same country at the same time, they would make sure to catch each other for a movie or dinner, followed by some explosive sex that neither could get enough of. It worked for them both… neither having the time for a proper relationship and both having such a strong bond through their circumstances; Leo trusted David implicitly to help him through his worst heats.

But right now, David was alone. Messi had signed for the team a few months prior, and things were going fantastically on the pitch. The Argentinian had kept up his impeccable reputation; he was truly a marvel to watch. In fact, David said as much to Leo one night, to which the cheeky omega responded by only celebrating his goals afterwards by acting as a different Avenger. It made David grin every time. Except David was struggling. His ruts had become irregular and painful, with little to no warning about when they would hit in full force. This was one of those times.

“Fuck.” Becks swears, resting his sweaty forehead against the cool lockers in the changing room. He needs to try and get himself home but the pain in his gut is tearing him up. He tries to move and lets out a growl of frustrated agony when he realises he can’t move.

“Becks?” A voice echoes. “Shit. David, are you okay?” Leo is suddenly at his side, hand resting on his arm with a concerned look marring his handsome face. His English is a little broken, but it’s getting a lot better.

“M’fine, Leo.” David says through gritted teeth. “Just uh… a bad rut. I’ll get home once this pain has passed.”

Messi frowns. “Rut? Unusual time for you, no?”

David tries not to be too pleased that Messi remembers his cycle like that. “Been happening a lot lately. It’s okay. I’ll get through it.”

Leo remains silent for a few moments whilst Becks catches his breath, eyes closed against the cubby in front of him. “I could help?”

David’s eyes spring open and he twists his head to look at the omega. “Leo…”

“Like, returning the favour? You have helped me through many heats.” Messi grins cheekily, tongue poking out the side of his mouth. It makes David’s mouth water.

“Yes but… not in a long time.” Becks mutters.

Leo’s face drops. “Oh. You do not want to. That’s okay.”

“No!” David snaps, taking a breath to calm down before speaking again. “I definitely want to. Seriously. We always have fun, don’t we?” He says with a weak smile. “But I don’t know how to… control myself right now. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You wont. You never have.” Leo says with so much conviction it makes David’s heart soar. “Come on, alpha, let’s get you sorted out.” The omega ducks under the arm the alpha has braced against the metal, and is suddenly in Beckham’s face. “Kiss me?” He asks sweetly.

And how is David supposed to say no to that? Leo is so beautiful, and he smells so sweet, and here he is offering to help him through his rut just because he’s such a good friend. It almost makes the alpha want to sob in relief and gratefulness. Instead, he just kisses Leo like he’s the oxygen he needs to be able to breathe. Leo whimpers and wraps his arms around David’s neck, kissing back just as passionately as Becks presses their bodies together; his arousal evident against Messi’s pelvis. When they need to breathe again, they rest their foreheads together and David sighs deeply.

“Are you sure about this, Leo? I need you to be sure.” The ex-player asks quietly, looking into his eyes for any sign of discomfort.

Leo smiles brightly back at him, hitching his leg around one of David’s and kissing his mouth softly. “I’m very sure. I’ve missed your cock, Becks.”

And doesn’t that just turn David almost feral? He growls and hoists the omega up the locker, forcing his legs to wrap around his waist as they kiss again with renewed vigour. Leo just giggles delightedly into the kiss, burying his hands into the alpha’s hair and letting him grind against him.  

David’s eyes have gone black when Messi next sees them as the ex-striker yanks his shorts down. He’s rough when he sets Leo on the floor so he can rip his underwear away and then hoist him back up, and the omega doesn’t have much time to feel embarrassed about how slick he is when Beck’s is getting out his hard cock and using it as lube. “Fuck you’re so pretty.” David growls into his ear as he thrusts two fingers straight inside his pussy.

Leo squeaks but groans in pleasure as the alpha moves his fingers harshly, trying to open him up quickly for his dick. “Just fuck me, alpha. Please?” He begs. He’s missed David so much.

“Yeah? Yeah I’m gonna fuck you, Leo. Course I am. My gorgeous little omega aren’t you? Need my cock to feel good, right?” David is mumbling, lining himself up at Leo’s entrance.

Despite knowing that it’s actually David who needs this right now, his words shoot down Messi’s spine and pool in a ferocious heat in his abdomen. He loves when David gets possessive of him and the alpha knows it. “Yes, alpha. Need it. Need you.”

“Fuck.” Becks groans as he pushes inside, eyes rolling as he immediately starts to rock back and forth in the tight heat. Leo hits his head back on the locker and David jumps suddenly, his eyes focusing. “Shit are you alright? Fuck, Leo, I’m sorry I-“

“David. It’s okay. I like this. I want you to fuck me hard… fuck your rut away okay? Use me.” Messi reassures him, stroking his face lovingly.

His words make the alpha’s eyes shift back to black as he continues to fuck him. “God you’re so perfect. So fucking tight for me. You’re mine, Leo Messi.” He groans, biting the omegas’ neck and jaw, burying his head into his shoulder as his hips piston into him. “Could’ve gone anywhere couldn’t you? But you came to your alpha. Came back to where you belong. With me.” David is rambling. “Gonna fuck you so good, Leo. My good boy for coming here. For choosing me.”

“I’ll always choose you, David.” Messi whimpers, eyes rolling in pleasure but meaning every word. He will always choose David Beckham.

“Fuuck. I’m gonna knot. You want my knot baby? You want me to keep you stuck on my cock for hours?” Becks moans, thrusting becoming more and more erratic.

“Yes please, alpha!” Leo begs. “Give me your knot, I’ll be so good.”

Becks cries out in relief as he knots the omega, hips jittering as he cums inside his small body, knot swelling and catching on the walls of his body. Leo whimpers loudly, moaning loud ‘thank yous’ to his alpha as they fall into each other desperately.

Once his breathing has calmed down slightly, Beck’s leans back a little bit to look at Leo’s dazed face. He’s still holding him up against the locker, knot tight and deep inside of him. “That was incredible.” He mutters hoarsely. “I didn’t hurt you, right?”

“Definitely not. Feels good.” Leo smiles sleepily, wriggling a little on his knot and making David groan.

“I should’ve done this in a bed where you would be comfy. Now you’re stuck here-“

“David. I’m happy. I’m happy to be with you and I’m happy to have helped your rut. Please don’t worry about me.” Leo smiles at him, stroking his face with his little hands.

“I do though.” David frowns. “I worry about you. I want you to be happy and safe.”

“I always am around you. Why do you think I came to Inter Miami?” Messi tells him.

“You came here because you felt safe? Because of me?” David whispers, sitting back on the bench with Leo on his lap.

“Of course. I… I love you, David. I always have. I know you don’t feel the same and that’s fine because your friendship means the world to me but-“

“I’m in love with you too.” Becks blurts out, cutting the omega off mid-sentence. “God, Leo. You’re fucking incredible. How could I not be in love with you? You’re absolutely beautiful, and so talented and humble. I can’t believe you don’t know that.”

Leo blushes a little. “You’re really in love with me?”

“Yes! Are you really in love with me!?” David asks.

“Yes.” Leo giggles.

David joins in the laughter happily. “We’re both idiots aren’t we? Could’ve been a power couple this whole time.”

“Still can be. I’m not retired yet, and you’re still model material.” Messi grins.

Becks laughs but is cut off by the twist in his gut returning and it turns into a moan of pain. “Sorry to ruin the moment. Being an alpha sucks.” He pouts. Leo raises an eyebrow and David winces. “Uh, yeah… sorry.”

Leo just laughs again. “It’s okay. Poor alpha… come on, let’s get you home so you can spend the rest of your rut in bed.”

“With you?”

“Always with me, David.”

[flyoverkushtaka]

I thought I could get myself out of a sinus-induced rut by translating some more Calgon Calmar, for my own personal amusement mainly. The book is one I’ve tentatively decided to call Diary of a Willing Outcast in English, which turns out to be full of thorny little translation problems tied to Calmar’s particular usage of the French language combined with his polyglottism and densely layered allusions throughout all his texts.

For instance, in the chapter titled Une Forêt au bord de nulle parte (A Forest on the Edge of Nowhere), Calmar describes seeing un sanglier couvert de varech et en rut muet. A wild boar covered in kelp and in silent rut. The sight perturbs him, but as with many peculiar images in his Diary, no clear explanation is forthcoming. The end of the image contains both a forced rhyme and a linguistic paradox: Rut is derived from the Latin rugīre, to roar. This boar does not roar, however, but apparently manages to convey its lust in silence. Furthermore, Calmar ends the chapter with the following lines:

Le sanglier est mort. Il ne s’est pas noyé. Il ne sait pas se noyer. Moi, si, je sais bien noyer. Mais moi-même, non plus. Dépourvu de sang, il ne fait que lier.

No indication is given of how the boar died, whether it was already dead when the narrator discovered it (perhaps explaining why the boar is covered in kelp, but then how could it also be in rut?) or whether the narrator played an obscured part in the animal’s death (as maybe implied by the peculiar wordplay involving homophones and reflexive verbs: The boar doesn’t know how to drown itself, while the narrator knows how to drown, just not himself). The last sentence is of course a pun on the word sanglier itself, which makes its translation the trickiest of all: Deprived of blood, the boar can only bind. Any English approximation or substitution would I think only come across as ridiculous. One would have to rework the entire chapter just to get the right words into the right places by the end. Complicating matters further is that lier is a transitive verb; it must take an object to complete its thought. What is the dead boar binding? Are these ties physical or emotional? Why this apparent non-sequitur compared to the rest of the paragraph? Calmar’s writing style at times resembles less a prose text and more an exquisite corpse.

Written several years after the fall of the Paris Commune, it’s possible that many of the cryptic and unexplained phrases in the Diary are actually coded references to real people and events. Despite (most likely) fighting as a Communard, Calmar seems to somehow managed to escape capture, imprisonment, exile, or execution (or at least he never mentions it in any of his writings). Perhaps the dead boar is meant to represent a fallen ally (or someone even closer—the reference to drowning certainly evokes Calmar’s Elegy and its flooded isles and atmosphere of snowy despair). Unfortunately we can’t rely on contemporary corroborating texts for a clearer view, because there’s next to none. Calmar’s work was largely ignored by both critics and commercial audiences alike, perhaps because of its proto-symbolist and hermetic style, probably because Calmar seems to have made little effort to promote his writings. In a letter to a friend, Renée Vivien called the Diary a “beautiful nightmare,” which is probably the most effusive praise any of his work ever received in his lifetime. After that, she never mentioned him again. Autobiography is also off the table: The guy practically never gave a straight answer on anything he did or even thought, choosing instead to couch everything in metaphor and abstraction. I only came across him while reading an old JSTOR article about Rimbaud and the enigmatic Monsieur la Pieuvre he mentions a spare handful of times in his journal. A Rouennais woman on OK Cupid was kind enough to mail me her copies of his books that were printed by a press that’d been acquired by Gallimard in the ‘60s and immediately liquidated. She needed to free up some space on her bookshelves for her OULIPO research and was happy to know the texts wouldn’t go to waste.

Well anyway, the more I write about this, the more I feel like a bore. I suppose the answer to problem will, as usual, come to me one day while drunk on a boat, gazing back at an ambiguous shoreline.

[natsumebookss]

State of the Nebula

I'll get the good news out of the way first--I'm remastering and finalizing Espoir and Bijou's designs and commissioning a new piece featuring my magical girl duo! It'll be '90s style manga art, so I'm super excited!

But you know what I'm not super excited about? Writing the damn thing. I've been in a creative rut since finishing Imperfect Storm, and I've mostly been writing little scenes from future books instead of prioritizing a Book 2. For awhile, I didn't know why or where to go from here, but now I do. And the reason is that...I've been hiding some stuff about Premiere Nebula from everyone.

(Discussion/critique of what I'm gonna call "Tumblr magical girl culture" will be down below. Just being a magical girl fan on Tumblr doesn't mean you're one of the people I'm talking about. It's like the difference between an "adult who likes Disney movies" and a "Disney adult.")

So I don't think we talk enough about self-censorship in the writing community. Sure, we talk about things like how actual book blurbs are starting to contain words like "unalive" now, but we don't talk about the more insidious and pervasive version that comes from censoring out dark topics altogether. The utter fear that, if I write this thing or this subplot, the people I want to market this to will hate me for it. And because I want to please the people I want to market this to, I don't write it, even if it fits perfectly into the plot.

This is the hell Premiere Nebula has been in for years. Yes, it's a story that's essentially about kidnapping and the various mental health effects it has on its victims, but it can't be too fucked-up because it's also a magical girl story. Plotlines like the Manufacturer liking the dark spirit he's created from day one, even though she's resided in Valka's body since she was a minor, were scrapped and left only to implication until these plotlines came to the attention of my pre-readers. In complete opposition to what I thought they would say, they said things like "this adds a lot to the story" and "it's almost creepier if a mass child kidnapper didn't have some weird obsession with kids in that way." They loved the criminal psychology behind it, something I've had a morbid fascination with since I was a kid.

But even then, I couldn't write it.

This is where I might offend some people and get some anon hate, but I'll say it anyway: magical girl fans on Tumblr can be just as toxic as those sorts of cartoon fans. (Again, talking about the Disney adults of magical girl stuff, which likely doesn't include any of my followers on this blog.) Ever since Madoka Magica came out, there's been this boiling hatred of darker magical girl concepts that has never fully gone away and an assumption that all dark MG series are inherently exploitative. There's also a silent pressure to make your stories more in the Precure or Sailor Moon style (or at least, what's perceived as "Sailor Moon style;" there's a discussion to be had of how the manga is pretty damn dark and the people who call Sailor Moon "light" may not be fully familiar with the original source material, but that's magical girl mansplaining for another day). Anyway, for awhile, that's what I thought I wanted PN to be--a story about both a rebel group and a group of friends who had funny moments and fought enemies that were, in hindsight, watered down versions of what I wanted them to be.

The ideal Premiere Nebula that I want to write is probably somewhere in between Madoka and Utena. A lot of the elements I've toned down so far are the Utena-like ones that deal with child exploitation and how manipulative adults like Akio take advantage of minor's naive perceptions of the world. People joke about Utena as "the magical girl series with trigger tags," but when I rewatched it, it made me realize that my original concept of PN had been like that, too. Just off the top of my head, I can think of "ideal PN" as having the following TWs:

kidnapping

frank discussions of mental health

suicide (no explicit depictions, mostly talking about how the rebel leader Valka is immensely suicidal and how her friends have had to talk her down many times)

physical and verbal abuse (mostly from Omega's ex, who she leaves in Book 1)

child abuse

non-consensual magical acts (brainwashing, as well as Stelle being forced to exchange magic with Alarice akin to a forced fusion in Steven Universe)

addiction

grooming (mostly looked at through a non-sexual lens with a ton of vampire/thrall imagery, long story short I've been listening to that one Olivia Rodrigo song a lot)

the aforementioned pedophilic implications of falling in love with a spirit in a child's body, like if Victor Frankenstein was even more fucked-up

Many of these have been self-censored to varying degrees in the finished Nebula product, with the last one being practically non-existent. But here's the thing: I'm not sure I want it to stay this way. I want PN to be a magical girl series that's "for adults" in more than just a superficial sense--I want to discuss things in it that happen to teenage girls and adult women in ways that children's media can't.

I have no problem with people who love traditional magical girl stories and children's entertainment. I'm one of them! But sometimes, I feel like the vocal minority stifles my creativity and, since most of the magical girl people I've met have been on here, makes me scared that there's no place for a story like mine as I want to write it. Sometimes, I wonder if that's been my real biggest fear after all.

I don't know how to end this, really. I may delete it down the road if I feel like I've vented too much here. But I want Premiere Nebula to stay a concept that shows my love of both dark and light media, something I jokingly call "pastel goth." I feel like anything less would just, well, not be Premiere Nebula anymore. I don't want to keep pretending it's something it's not anymore, even if it loses me potential readers. I want to get back to the way I was before, where I'd just write a scene without wondering how the fandom at large would see it.

Most of all, it'd be a disservice to the people who've read and followed my Premiere Nebula content until now to not receive a finished product written how the writer fully intended it. You all have been thoroughly amazing to me and gotten me through more hard times than you'll ever know. If Premiere Nebula--Alexandria's Version (as much as Taylor Swift annoys me, this is the best metaphor I have for this situation) isn't your cup of tea, I completely understand and wish you the best. But if you're the type of person who some darker social commentary with your magical girl stories, I hope I can do the concept justice for you.

Either way, I hope I was able to give you a fun experience with what little I have now, and I hope to keep doing so with a renewed inspiration.

[space-blue]

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @pinkytoothlesso11 Thank you! This is a long one, but very interesting well rounded questions for fic writers. I'll tag: @spicedrobot @skierunner @ashcroft-writes @kitepiper @calyxgold @ceruleanphoenix7 -- Not obligated to do this, just thought it may be fun!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

165

2. What's your total A03 word count?

664,619 words

3. What fandom's do you write for?

Star Wars (75+), Arcane (46), Original works (13), Avatar (12), Elden Ring (5), a couple "fairytale" fandoms (red riding hood retellings), and then a bunch of single works. I'm kinda spicy over the fact I have a single work in Hannibal, when it was me uploading a story a day for my first Nano. Ended up doing it all in one work to not have 30 stories, but I should have made a series. Many readers never made it to the end of that fic due to the absence of structure and--- I'm rambling.... (It should really say Hannibal (30))

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Fathers and Daughters

Never Too Late

Then the dreadful night shall break

Five is an awful number

While the world turns around

2 star wars fics, 2 arcane and 1 avatar? It's a good representation of my work!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always, unless they're turbo dumb and I'm at a loss for words... Or they somehow slip past me.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Eeeh, tough one! I like angst... There's an entire series I completed over the course of a month. The idea came from a redditor who made a collection for it : we had to kill the same character in a different manner every month. 12 death fics... For Obi-Wan Kenobi. I think the more gruesome one is Unhappy Landing. Mind the tags.

But I think it's on equal footing with the Arcane fic Whatever I Do, This Is Where We End which focused on a Silco/Vander timeloop, where Silco was the one in the loop, but Vander was the POV character the entire time. No happy ending and many, many deaths which grow increasingly meaningless.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I have a lot of those so not sure... But narrative wise, I think it's Never Too Late, which is reflected in its stats. It's about Obi-Wan reaching out to Dooku after QGJ's death. It's emotional and basically guarantees Anakin will have a bright future in better care. I have sooo many comments asking for more on it, almost as many as on my fallen Kenobi fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Sometimes... When some disease breaks down my immune defenses... It's not very good though. I'm the wrong kind of ace for it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have, as a gimmick, like Arcane characters in a Star Wars setting... But I never think of it, and I basically never read crossovers. They're not my thing.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. It has happened to my art though.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, though nobody ever rode the length of the work with me ahah!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, multiple times! That's stuff I really enjoy! I've done a Thrawn/Cad Bane with Spicedrobot, and an infamously hated Codywan fic with CollisionTheory... both featuring smut! I also did projects like 3 writers doing different entries within an overarching story (when i tried to wrangle friends into the kill your darlings all year scheme). Collabs are very fun, I especially like working with artists. If you want to work on something hit me up!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Vander/Silco, maybe, but Hannigram is breathing down my neck...

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Oh no... too many to count. I guess my first fic ever, The Tactician. I went on a never ending 'this is just a side thing because I'm in a rut' spiral, and now I have 165 fics. IIRC I have about 24 WIPs on AO3.

PLEASE DON'T HURT ME I'M TRYIN OKK??

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and banter.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Smut and romance, and also sometimes killing my darlings (not characters, but pieces of heavy lore my betas are trying to rip from my sticky fingers because they don't care).

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have done it only in fake alien languages, never received any praise for it, don't plan on doing it again. Real life language... eeeh not unless I have a really good reason for it somehow.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars. Thrawn... the Original blue daddy!

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

It would have to be my magnum opus, Fathers and Daughters. Not just because I think it's the pinnacle of my worst brainrot ever, but also because I'm forever impressed with myself for holding on that long. Sometimes I re-read it and can't remember writing half of it. I've made myself snicker at my own jokes, so I think I've done a good job of it!

But in my heart of hearts, there's one chapter of that long series of Hannibal ficlet which somehow is one of the pieces of writing I'm smugest about. I just think it's so neat... It's called To Visit Her, it's 222 words, and depicts Hannibal's mind palace, and its innermost chamber. I genuinely think I peaked years ago with some of those ficlets x'D

[thelibrarylesstrektraveled]

A Writer's Review... Promised by jawritter

I am a writer. I was born to be one, its my joy and my torment. And it is my honor.

I find new and utterly fantasic stories here daily and I am honored to be a contributing member of the writing community! Each and every one of these authors is a gem. They selfelessly share their intricate worlds with us so that we can escape! It is a public service and vital to my personal well-being.

There are not words to express my gratitude.... but that doesn't mean I won't still try to find some!

As writers, we read. Even more than we write. So... what do we read? Here is an in-depth review of one of my favorites! Along with a few other recommendations.

I intend to post reviews regularly. I've got quite a list of stories I adore, but I'm always looking for more! So please share this review and send a few recommendations my way! Tag your own stories, tag other people... I don't want to miss any of them!

Thank you all and share the love!!

Story Name: Promised

Author: jawritter

Character Pairing: Alpha!Jensen x Omega!reader

Length: 10 Chapters, 25,084 words total

Story Type: Series - ABO, AU Real life, Mob dynamics, Age gap

Author’s Description: In a world where your presentation can be a blessing or a curse, a newly presented Omega will come face to face with the harsh reality of Alphas, Omegas, and pack alliances that are expected to be upheld with the union of your two families.

Warnings:  ABO dynamics! Smut, unprotected smut, knotting, claiming, mating, heat, rut, language, overly protective Jensen, age gap! 19-year-old reader, 41-year-old Jensen, virgin reader, loss of virginity, sort of an arranged marriage, hint at possible mob type settings.

My Two Cents:  They say you never forget your first, and that is certainly the case for me!  This absolute gem of a story was my introduction to the world of ABO fan fiction (aka Alpha/Beta/Omega) and I’ve been hooked ever since!  This may be in part to the perspective of the reader, who is a novice.  Young and naïve to the world in general as well as to the complex dynamics between Alphas and Omegas.  This allowed me to discover and understand this unique concept at the same pace the reader did. 

Our dear author is truly a master at quickly establishing the relationship bonds between the main characters and their prospective families and friends.  I greatly appreciate this quality in a story.  Background information is crucial in a well-developed character but can be clunky when not handled with finesse.  Here, those relationships are woven in seamlessly to the over-all plot but never weigh the story down.  Bravo!

Another highlight are the physical descriptions.  Anyone who knows Jensen Ackles from his work, can easily imagine him in a reader insert story. 

That is, after all, why we are all here! 

Yet this story is filled with vivid details that even I hadn’t thought of in my wildest daydreams!  There is a visceral warmth to this version of Jensen that I find beyond appealing.  I find myself rereading this story most often when I am feeling uncertain in my life.  When I need to feel that someone strong is in charge, so I don’t have to be, Alpha Jensen has me. 

Favorite Chapter: Chapter Nine. Here we get to see Jensen let loose his primal Alpha instincts that he’s kept under careful control up until this point.  And its glorious!  It has the best elements of how vicious Demon Dean could be and focused it in a powerful man who is willing to do anything in defense of his mate.  Fantastic!  He’s desperate and he’s truly dangerous in this chapter.  And I am here for it!

Favorite Line: “You know, before I came here tonight with Y/n I promised her something…. I promised her I would protect her. You made me break that promise.. I don’t appreciate that. I’ll be spending the rest of my life making it up to her….” 

“I told her if you tried anything I’d rip your throat out….. With my teeth…”

Jensen’s vision went red, All he saw was red… 

Why I Love it:  It’s the perfect length.  I read one shots and they have their place, but I always find myself wanting more of that world!  But let’s face it, some series’ (although awesome!) are long, and that’s a commitment.  I don’t always have the luxury of time, this length strikes just the right balance.  I get Jensen in a protective but not possessive role.  I get a naïve reader who is innocent but not spineless.  I get steamy sex scenes.  I get an interesting but not over-bearing mob dynamic.  There is plenty of threat but not much violence, which is a nice change up. 

Mood I’m in When I Read it– I’m a strong person, but there are times when I need someone else to be strong.  I need to be comforted.  I need to believe in love and escape.  And when I am feeling over-whelmed, I often come here and let Alpha Jensen take the reins for a while.  He does a great job!

I Want More! : If you loved this as much as I did, here are some other stand-out stories that you might enjoy…

Feral @jawritter Can We Fix Us @jawritter If Its Meant to Be (Alpha Beau x Omega Reader) @jawritter Unleashed @supersleepygoat Reasons @merethehunter Feral @luci-in-trenchcoats The Things We Don’t Believe In (Alpha!Sam x Omega!reader) @thecleverdame

[theendlessrambles]

9/28/24

I haven't written here in awhile. I only seem to do so when I have a lot of my mind. I swear I'm not always this negative I just seem to save it all for in my writing. Life has gotten better I'm just in another rut before a new change. I have stopped smoking, started college, and am in a healthier relationship. My roommate and I also get along much better now. College, work, and truama therapy at the same time has proven a struggle and I've been showing up to work late. I now have to go in Monday through Friday from 10am to 6pm. I did try and find a diffrent position, but due to my warnings they won't let me. I'm hoping this helps with my schedule as I am burnig out. I also have FMLA time to help with my C-PTSD episodes. I'm thankful that I have union otherwise I may have just been fired instead. It may have not been smart, but I am not being discrete about being burnt out to my fellow coworkers and that I'm struggling. I'd rather be honest that college and a full time job are having negative effects on me than leaving it to the imagination. Work is also stressful with my boss/family friend leaving. She leaves the first week of October. The bullying in the department has finally stressed her enough to leave. They don't just bully her, but everyone. There's only a few people there who are able to handle stress and regulate their feelings well enough to save face during their shift. Lots of other techs have left as well. The change is something I view as negative it's a lot at once. The second in command in the company will be over seeing our department. I worry if she will like me and if she will be present enough in our department. We have a mandatory meeting with her on Tuesday to go over the changes. Truthfully I want to run away from the position, but it seems I am stuck there for awhile. Maybe this is a good thing.

I also have been stressed with some billboards lately. On them is the face of my molesters lawyer running for judge. The people who know him and me have said they don't think he will get it as the other lawyers laugh behind his back. This is true, but does the general public know that? At first it didn't bother me,but as November draws closer it has me on edge. I need to speak to my therapist about this soon as it has just started to truly sink in that he has a chance to become a judge. I know this doesn't affect me in the bigger picture, but it still upsets me. Rightfully so. With the change of schedule in my job I will likely have to get a new truama therapist that fits my new schedule. I cried for an hour on the way home from work over this fact amd then saw the billboard with the lawyers face on it. Maybe I should change my route home when I'm so emotionally upset.

I wanted to smoke a cigarette on my way home after all of that, but instead got panda express. This whole not smoking thing has made me very fat as I've been buying fast food more often. Even when I'm bot upset it's easier than making dinner. I seem to not have a lot of time. Hoping the new schedule helps with that. I haven't been walking my dog. I can tell this is effecting both of us. A few months ago a homeless man tried to attack us and she scared him off. I was able to go back on the trails with another person and eventually on my own again. Same with my dig as she would get nervous around that spot to. A few weeks ago there was a stabbing in that spot. I haven't taken walks since then. I'm hoping my boyfriend will walk with me and my dog there soon as I build back my confidence to go back there.

Speaking of the boyfriend things have been going well. We have dates amd see each other often, but not in a burdensome way. He's very romantic and we do arts and crafts together. We have been off and on again with our friendship since our middle school days because we struggled with admitting our romantic attraction to each other. It took us a decade to do so, but it's nice to have finally done so. His family likes me and my family likes him. He's the type of man I can see marrying not because of society's standards but because I want to. The only struggle is being physical. I have never seen him naked, but he has seen me nudes. Whenever things are sexual i am always receiving but never giving. He has truama and other issues, but won't go in depth with me. It's hard.on a selfish level I wonder if he doesn't reciprocate my feelings and if he's gay, but I know this isn't true. He's bi at the very least and his body language has shown physically intrest. However it is something I worry about deeply. I hope this is something we can get through together or something he can handle on his own. I want to be able to have a deeper relationship with him. On a lighter note we are going to a halloween party as Mario and Princess Peach.

College is going well and I have good grades. It is all online and suits my lifestyle well. I don't think I would do this well if I was in person. NY struggle is turning things in on time and APA formating. APA formating seems the biggest mountain I have to climb as it is what I get marked down for the most. I have a mentor through a program I signed up for. Hopefully this will help with my struggles.

[close-friends00]

I have so many things I wanna rant about however I'm number 1: too lazy to pick up a pen and my journal and just write all these emotions and boring feelings down so imma just trauma dump here real quick. and 2: I can't add pictures of Lana del Rey whenever tf I want in my journal sooooooo

ok so I have a lot of feelings for Lola, but lately especially today I have just been looking back at our relationship and there are somethings that are just either not sitting right with me or things that just have hurt my feelings and I'm just now wanting to talk and vent about this. I think I'm missing more how our dynamic was before april- I feel like she was there for me sm more in the sense that she was a huge rock when I was going through a ton of shit- and we talked about sm shit together and then after April when she started doing her ig lives I think we also grew closer because she was throwing hints at me and flriting- however after I reciprocate my feelings back I see that our messages shift a bit- but no worries right- we go on our first date amazing, I loved every moment of it. Eventually I realize that our dynamic at school is odd- there are days where she is very talkative with me and she reciprocates my affection and there are other days that I just feel like a little dog running laps around her, trying desperately to gain her attention and to be loved by her- I feel fucking ridiculous, and I just feel like so fucking awkward for even trying to talk with her. And then on my birthday in May - holy fuck did she open up about a ton of shit to me - like she was talking about her past relationships and some personal things shes been going through- and shes all over me- like shes holding my knee, making a lot of eye contact, yk like it felt like although she was telling this thing to more people in a way she was just talking to me too, like it was just us two? idk. point is afterwards things are weird- we are in a bit of a rut ngl. However she posts this tik-tok where she is like oh the month and my crush/relationship and she does emojis and I notice that in the month that we started talking there's another emoji next to mine? weird right? So before I can even see the tik tok shes already texting me being like ok here's why there's another emoji next to urs and that shit was personal and she goes on about her ex and all that- like we talked and I was like oh yeah those people are assholes yk, and I'm just realizing that I find it kinda unhealthy that's shes jumping from relationship to relationship and I can tell that the shit that she has gone through is still quite fresh - so I tell her hey Ik that you think I can't handle this but I'm willing to wait and understand and all that- however in may she had her rehearsal week- a week where we barely talked and I can understand why but then after her show the next day she texts me and she sends me a picture of her dump acc post and her doing makeup for a guy and she sends that pic to me and goes just in case u were wondering- this is the guy who's been making my life complete hell and she was just ranting how her ex and this guy have gotten in a relationship and just keep flaunting it to her face- and then she texts- 'now that I don't have to see them I can focus on you and our relationship"

and I played it off as a yess pls yk finally- but it made me so sad that I've been so into this relationship for almost two months and she is JUST NOW putting her efforts into it. and I understand- shes been going through some things- but I feel so fucking neglected in our relationship... idk I feel like once again I'm practically begging to be given attention or to hang out and I feel so guilty saying this but I just need to express it somehow. I think I can be her friend for now and just be a support system for her, but idk if she is ready for a relationship. and I need to know if she is because I wanna stop feeling like a burden , another task she needs to complete, idk.

one thing I've also noticed is that when she is with her friends- I feel like whenever her friends come up to talk to her, they're talking in code or walking around eggshells with me there. and I get it- they think imma snitch or whatever but it just hurt my feelings so much when we would be talking and she would just leave me to talk with them and just leave me waiting yk. and it just hurts because I feel like they're waiting for this 'clingy puppy' to leave so that they can talk...

i really really really like her and I want to be with her but I'm afraid to express these feelings because I'm low-key scared she will think I'm just like her exes.

but I just needed to rant about that real quick.