#we love our strategic girlie

[mo-mode]

Watching episode two again for the fic, and I’m just realizing? When Annabeth put on the cap in front of Percy and then proceeded to leave visible footprints and rustle that plant while she walked off, she was probably doing it on purpose to make Percy think she was gone so she could watch him undisturbed. She knew he was smart enough to know she’s still there and track her movements so she put on a little show and made it look like she was gone. Always six steps ahead.

[hermajestytak]

Her Majesty, Our Almighty Tallest Lady Miyuki

She was a lost character that never made it to the show proper because The Trial was never finished and never adapted post cancelation. She was voiced elegantly on the spot by Melissa Fawn in The Trial's Invadercon script reading, but was never officially voice acted, animated, or even colored.

Yet...despite never making it to the show, more than many other cancelled characters, something about Miyuki resonates with the Invader Zim fandom. Take a look throughout the fandom and you'll see her time and time again. In fanart, she's romanticized and illustrated as elegantly as possible. In fanfiction, she's a crucial character to the backstories many Irken fan characters.

There's many reasons why this is. For one, her name is gorgeous. One of the few facts we have about her is she was named and created after storyboard artist Miyuki Hoshikawa.

The name Miyuki itself holds different meanings depending on which kanji its spelled in: 美幸 means "beautiful fortune/happiness," 深雪 means "deep snow," 美雪 means "beautiful snow, and 美由紀 means "beautiful reason for history"

The association of Miyuki with snow has lead to some depicting her lead color as snow white. However, the most common color to depict her in within the fandom is blue, usually a cereulean blue. Other colors she's been drawn with include yellow and green, but the popular blue depiction arguibly makes her even more loved by the fandom because it makes her stand out from the usual green/red/violet color palette of the Irken Empire and, quite frankly, it makes her look gorgous.

Speaking of standing out, another reason for Miyuki's popularity is her gender. Female Irkens are much rarer characters in the series than Male Irkens (most likely because they take 1-2 more steps to design than their masc counterparts). Of the 50 named, individual Irkens on the series, only 7 are female (a whopping 14%), so Irken girlies are a rare treat for the fandom and of them, Miyuki is by far the most powerful.

In fact, Miyuki was most likely the most powerful Irken in history (that we know of). Red and Purple have to split their power between each other and Spork was only Tallest for a very short time. However, Miyuki was both a solo Tallest and one implied to be Tallest for a while.

Speaking of the tallest, Miyuki is one of only four that we know. Of them, her reign is the oldest. We don't know how long she was tallest, but she perished when Zim was over 10 years old. In the fandom, she's often depicted as being the tallest since before Zim was even born, so she likely reigned while our most important Irkens (Zim, Skoodge, Red, and Purple) were smeets that would have been taught to look up to whoever was tallest.

One interesting, debatable note about Miyuki's character is how much better of a tallest she supposedly was. She openly worked with the Vortians that Red and Purple went on to betray during their reign, so we know she was a more strategic and responsible tallest at least. However, some fan depictions take this a step further and headcanon Miyuki as "the rightful tallest" so to speak: a more merciful, kind, and virtuous planetary leader to contrast Red and Purple's cruelty. In other words, the fandom has a bad habit of really romanticizing her.

What these depictions tend to forget is that Miyuki was proud of her Empire. The very nature of an Empire, especially the Irken Empire, is to expand their rule. The Massive was designed during her reign to expand this rule by conquering nearby planets. She may have been a more competent Tallest, but a Tallest nonetheless and in the Irken Empire, intergalactic colonization and war is extremely glorified no matter who the leader is.

So I personally headcanon Miyuki as not a merciful, benevolent Tallest that the entire universe loved, but rather a Queen of England type figure whose adoration, regalness, and acts of kindness within her empire serve as a distraction from her and the control brains' cruel, empirical nature; she's beloved by her kind, but despised by everyone who sees the Irken Empire for what it really is: an intergalactic colony of genocidal ants.

[ohdudedhesflirting]

Zerobaseone mythology concept

Well, this our second part. I already did our first part on zb1 members (Hyung line) as Greek gods and goddess in case of a Greek mythology concept which I hope is gonna happen.

Disclaimer ! I am basing this from my memories of my class on greek iconography and not of work adapted from it. And i am not going to talk about everything that is SA, abuse and violence the gods are surronded with and created. I am not going to do a whole class on greek mythology so good luck. Its also my opinion. And I am not pretending to know everything, I may even be wrong.

Here is our second and final part : Maknae line : (Below the cut)

Gunwook as Athena

Athena is one of the 12 olympians. She was not born from Kronos and eaten by him but is actually a daughter of Zeus. She is the godess of widsom and of strategic war. Even if she is the godess of widsom she still as little moments of anger we will say (Arachnée as well as Medusa). She is one of the godess that is a virgin and never take a husband.

What you have to remember with Athena is her widsom, she is someone with a vision. In a case of a war there is two people that will be needed : Ares (which more of the brutal force) and Athena which will focus more on the strategic parts of a battle. If Athena takes part in a battle actively you know that normally it will be done fair and square. She respects the rules.

In her iconography Athena is represented as a warrior godess. She has an armor, an helmet as well as a shield. And what allows one to identify her no matter what is the presence of the aegis (égide in french) as well as the decapitated head of Medusa.

But mostly one is able to identify her with her warrior like appaerance with her helmet, armor and shield.

Now concerning Gunwook I feel like the link is quite obvious.

Gunwook is brilliant. He is the top student, class president, and we saw with the Kill this love stage that he has a strategic mind as well as a vision. He is able to understand the strenght of everyone around him and then put it together to build a strategy.

We could expect something that is truly giving a warrior vibe, with the helmet, shield and those two symbols of Athena with the aegis and the decapitated head. Even if they will go with a softer version.

Ricky as Dyonisius

This one is kinda confirmed as well lol.

Dyonisius is in most version the son of Zeus, some say that he died and then his father made him become a god because of the affection he had for him. Or in other versions he is an human that was transformed into a god because he was the one that invented the wine and gods liked wine.

Dyonisus is the god of wine, fertility of the soils, theater and party. In his iconographic representations he is always represented with the thyrse (it’s a kind of stick with a pine cone on it), some grape vine and he also has a company of many exotic animals as well as satyr and nymphs.

Why putting them together ? I feel like ricky is actually a very extroverted person and the life of the party. Like I totally imagine going up to someone first and just try to be funny ? If he wasn’t an idol I just know the guy would be partying like crazy in clubs worldwide wise lol

I feel like we definitely can expect some good references such as party crowded scene, having a cup in a hand. I doubt they will represent him with lots of girlies around tho.

Gyuvin as Hestia

Hestia might be one of the most underrated goddess out here while she is so important.

Hestia is the oldest Olympian. The first one that Kronos ate. She is one of the virgin goddess as well as a member of the twelve Olympians.

She is the goddess of home, the hearth (fire pit of the sacred fire), domesticity and family. She was the guardian of the sacred fire (hearth) and was essential to the Greek mythology rites.

She is a very quiet goddess and is rarely talked about and represented even though she was central character and extremely important.

In every city there was the hearth, for her, and for every sacrifice she was the first goddess that was received them.

Hestia is very important because throughout the time the notion family was essential and central, the clan you came from truly mattered in society as well as where you belonged.

In her rare representations she is standing up, with a vieil over head, with a strict expression close to a fire.

Why Gyuvin as Hestia ? Because for me Gyuvin represents home. He is able to make everyone feels at ease. He is central and everyone seem to fly close to him. He is a part of what ties all the members together. I feel like the hugs he gives make you feel at home.

I’m seeing something definitely with warm tones, little fire like summer camp type of fire, as there is not that much representation on her I really want them to make him feel like home. Lots of warm colors, smiles, lemonade and cute little snacks. Just home.

Yujin as Ares

Okay so I can already feel the complains from here but hear me out.

Ares is the god of war. Like the violent one, the bloody ones. And often people only remember him as that. The violent god.

But he was way more than that. He an olympian that never raped anyone. He killed without hesitation his daughter rapist. He was as well the protector of cities, the god of courage as well as the god of masculinity.

He was a protector of women. One of the very few people that Aphrodite ever truly loved. He was globally a big softie and that can be seen in the way he is portrayed in his representations. He was also a very good defender of gay love and gay representations.

In his iconography he is or despised as the god of war, with shield and weapons on as well as his armor . Or he is represented as the man that is enamoured of Aphrodite. He was a very handsome man and muscular.

Why am I putting Yujin as him then ? Because I feel like yes Yujin lives to be a menace because he is silly like that but he is also someone that seems to be very deep and well thought for his age. I totally imagine him taking the side of his girl schoolmates to watch over them. He is deeply loved and I totally can see him growing up to be an ally and truly supports and protect lgbtq people.

Representation wise I feel like if they put him in an armor with a sword he would be really happy so I want that only for him to be happy. In a more realistic tone I feel like it would be more discreet with like weapons on the floor and very pensive poses.

Tag list @seok02 (i love you)

I hope you all enjoyed <3

[totisviribus]

Born to be Consumable

Girlhood* is all about this exhausting, pointless wandering to collect berries in our baskets because the world makes us too timid to grow our own fruit. Pave our own way, be different from how the world understands what a girl should be? Of course not. Our very existence is a nuisance, therefore we must not cause any trouble. We must be simple to understand. What kind of girl are you? They give us plenty of labels to choose from, how can we not just pick one? Hot, weird, ugly, smart, too girly, not girly enough, a tom boy, a slut, wanted, unwanted, troubled, ADHD, fucked in the head, strange, too fat, awkward, basic, a prude, annoying, magnetic, special, talented, autistic, boring, in need of a makeover, too skinny, fun, the main character, a mean girl, a party girl, a guy's girl, the it girl, "that" girl, the dark academia girl, the artsy girl, not like other girls?

The world thinks women, young and old and in between, are billboards and we must loom large and bright over our cities whether we like it or not. Our text must be clear and big and easy to see from the highway. We can't be presumptuous enough to think that people will make the effort to squint at confusing text and illegible fonts they've never seen before. People need a clear advertising message. Otherwise they'll look the other way, buy from a different brand. What are we? They want to know at first glance. In seconds, moments. We're a brand, a type, a trope. There cannot be nuance, contradictions, abnormalities, change, growth, variety. The customer is always right, they say.

It took me twenty-six years to realize that I'm not in the business of selling myself on that billboard. I can no longer strategize, I can no longer mask, I can no longer pay the price of repainting that billboard over and over again, each time more painful than the last. I will be no one and nothing and I will rest. I've scraped off all the layers, down to the original hue. I don't want the attention, the examination, the interest. There will be no going out of business sale. The previous version of me that lives on a dusty Facebook profile and cries night after night because I'm not Rory Gilmore or Miley Cyrus or Megan Fox will be fished out of a bargain bin at TJ Maxx, eventually.

I was born to be consumable; I will never be able to take the billboard of my girlhood down. It will sit blank and decay over time.

But I can finally live, now that I am no longer killing myself to be understood.

*The gendered language in this letter is not used with the intention of excluding people who are trans or those that are non-binary. It was written with my experience as a cis woman in mind, but it is in no way an assertion that only cis women are hurt by the effects of being socialized as female, or to the same degree. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel excluded by my letters, especially given the recent hatred against the trans community by a certain famous author. My blog will always be a kind, loving, welcoming, safe space for everyone. ♡Maeve

[lila-rae]

I need Russ to chill. Whoever led him to the booktok girlies and is strategizing with him deserves a round of applause.

The romance book references in this verse…

We said we only friends, so how come we keep forgettin'

You my sweetest oblivion, we just fakin' with benefits

See my icebreaker was tellin' you that I might break ya

Our friends dissaproved, but we not good advice takers

They just jealous or they twisted our love

The ritual is kissing you, giving you dick til' you-

Come, come, uh

Met you when I knew I only wanted one lover

Then it happened one summer, I was cold before

But I don't care if I get hurt, every rose has thorns

[mixtapedoh]

BTS FOR THE KPOP GROUP

FUCK I ANSWERED THIS COMPLETELY AND REALLY FUNNY AND HEARTFELT AND THEN IT DELETED ON ME 😩🔫 i'm going to see if i can get it back,,,,,,,,,,,, maybe god knew i was getting too into the mushy feelings and reminded me i am first and foremost an antiromantic

[ if i stan ]

favorite member / bias line

namjoon and hobi are my biases and as for bias wreckers my official choice is jin (!!!!!! no one bias wrecks like jin bias wrecks) but also i'm happy to say i share yoongi with the girlies like one would share a braincell <3 custody wise, i get to call him my bias on the first wednesday of every month and the last saturday and sunday <3

which member I’d fight (& why)

my main pick would have to be jimin. out of all the challengers i have chosen thus far jimin is the most scrappy, the most petty, the most likely to hold no bars, and the idol with the most Unhinged Ferality™ to give me true, seasoned battle experience. he would be the least likely to forgive me for whatever transpired between us in the fight, but that simply makes him a more worthy challenger. my only upper hand in such a battle would be that, upon upsetting jimin, he would tap into all the anger he could possible feel — currently, retroactively, and preemptively — and such fuel is so overwhelming that i would be able to set someone marginally annoying in his path and hope that he thoroughly exhausts all that energy on them, before ever reaching me. while this might seem like too convoluted a choice to be advisable, consider that i would be able to indirectly take out my own anger with whatever soul i bring into our crossfire, and that fighting jimin would offer a strategic challenge that i haven't seen the likes of, thus far. furthermore, i think jimin deserves to sucker punch someone and i want to be there to witness it.

however, if we are to stick to verbal battles and jimin is otherwise occupied, i would have to choose jin as a close second. he would absolutely annihilate me, but i just might get pity friendship from perhaps one (1) of the other members who saw this go down (given that i am careful with how i choose to instigate this fight), and also i would be effectively humbled for the rest of this life and the next 12, which is perhaps something i deserve, after choosing fights based on the chaos of it all.

favorite song(s)

bestie, beloved, bastard, we are going to be here all day,,,, i'll do my best to make this at least moderately non-exhaustive (i'm also including solo music): blue & grey; spring day; FAKE LOVE; rain; ON; run; jump; danger; life goes on; dimple; blood, sweat, & tears; pied piper; i'm fine; save me; airplane pt.2; boy in luv; euphoria; film out; trivia: seesaw; filter; tokyo; uhgood; lonely; change pt.2; people; AMYGDALA; the last; arson; MORE don't wake me up and super tuna, too, asdfghj

favorite thing about the group

another moment for me to tell you "we are going to be here all day," i can (and did) wax poetic about BTS because there is just so much of them — to love, to be in awe of, to respect — too much to wrap your arms around and just sit with the knowledge of. not to give in too much to the delulu, but BTS is just so comforting. there is always something to connect to and be swept up by. their music is so expansive, with so many genres and so many themes, and there's a song for everything. no matter where i am at, there's a BTS song for that! and beyond that, the members are all so genuine in their love of music and so ridiculously talented and dedicated to their craft, and they are so humble in their fame and influence and just seek to spread such respect and light, and i'm overwhelmed by them. i've said this to you before, lindsay, but i'll say it again, BTS is so awe-inspiring and all-encompassing that they are more than just an ult group — they are an end in and of themselves.

something i’d like to see from them

RELEASE DDAENG ON SPOTIFY, COWARDS. i need to stream that. also, mr. kim taehyung, sir,,,,,,,, travel with me??? as part of layover??????? make it a secret song for if you buy the album or however those things work. consider what it would do to the girlies if they had their hands on travel with me.

send me a kpop group and i'll answer!!!

[dreamylove444]

🌸✨ Study tips to not only excel but maintain a healthy mindset and get straight As with ease 🌸✨

Hello, beautiful minds,

Success in scientific subjects doesn’t just come from hard work; it comes from strategic, intentional effort. Let’s combine our love for science, our need to get the highest grade and these research-based techniques to help you achieve your dreams while maintaining that soft, pink and oh so girly energy that we all love . 📚💕

✨ Tip 1: Create an Inviting Study Environment

The Power of Space

Research shows that an organized and aesthetically pleasing study space improves concentration and mental clarity. Surrounding yourself with pastel pink stationery, soft lighting, and cozy seating can positively impact your focus and productivity. 🖤🎀

Why it works: A study from the University of Essex found that a pleasant environment reduces stress, improves cognitive function, and enhances productivity.

What to do: Designate a space that feels like your personal retreat—add your favorite pink decor, a soft chair, and calming plants to keep you at ease while you work. 🌷💕

✨ Tip 2: Color-Coding for Visual Learning

The Science of Color and Memory

Color-coding is more than just cute—it’s a proven method to boost memory retention. Studies from the University of British Columbia have shown that using color in your notes can improve recall and help distinguish between different concepts. 🌸💖

Why it works: Research in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that using color when studying improves visual memory and helps the brain organize complex information.

What to do: Use pastel-colored pens, highlighters, and sticky notes to differentiate topics. For example, use pink for key formulas, lavender for definitions, and peach for important theories. This visual differentiation will help your brain process and retain information faster. 🎀

✨ Tip 3: Active Recall with Flashcards

The Power of Active Learning

Active recall is one of the most effective methods for mastering science subjects. Flashcards help you engage actively with the material, making your brain work harder to retrieve information, which strengthens memory retention. Research has shown that active recall, when used consistently, can improve exam performance by as much as 40%. 🌸💕

Why it works: Studies, including one by the National Institutes of Health, have shown that retrieval practice (like using flashcards) enhances long-term memory retention.

What to do: Create flashcards with pastel-colored borders, and write questions on one side and answers on the other. Use them to quiz yourself regularly, and try not to peek at the answers until you've made your best guess. ✨💖

✨ Tip 4: Break Study Sessions into Focused Intervals

The Science of the Pomodoro Technique

Research consistently shows that focused study intervals lead to better retention and productivity. The Pomodoro Technique, where you study for 25 minutes and take a 5-minute break, aligns with your brain’s natural rhythms, preventing burnout and maximizing focus. 🌷💕

Why it works: A study published in Cognitive Psychology found that short bursts of intense focus followed by brief breaks can improve focus, prevent mental fatigue, and enhance overall learning efficiency.

What to do: Set a timer for 25-minute intervals of studying followed by a 5-minute break. During your break, drink water, stretch, or take a quick walk. Return refreshed and ready to focus again. 🎀✨

✨ Tip 5: Collaborate with Study Buddies

The Social Learning Effect

Working with others has been shown to improve understanding, especially in scientific subjects that require deep analysis. Research from Harvard University suggests that discussing concepts with peers helps consolidate knowledge and can clarify areas of confusion. When you explain something to someone else, you’re also reinforcing the material in your own mind. 🌸✨

Why it works: Studies show that collaborative learning leads to better problem-solving and deeper comprehension. Working with others allows you to see different perspectives and reinforces your own knowledge.

What to do: Form small study groups with friends who motivate you. Discuss key scientific concepts and help each other with difficult topics. You’ll learn just as much by teaching as you do by listening. 💕🎀

✨ Tip 6: Use Past Papers to Predict Success

Simulating the Exam Environment

One of the most effective ways to prepare for exams is to practice under real test conditions. Research indicates that simulating exam conditions with past papers boosts exam performance by helping you become familiar with question formats and time management. This method reduces test anxiety and improves confidence. 📚💖

Why it works: A study in the Journal of Educational Psychology showed that students who regularly practiced past exams performed better than those who only reviewed notes.

What to do: Find past exam papers online or in your textbook. Set aside time to complete them in a quiet, timed environment. Review your answers afterward, and focus on areas where you can improve. 🌷✨

✨ Tip 7: Prioritize Sleep for Brain Health

The Connection Between Sleep and Memory

Never underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep. Scientific research shows that sleep is essential for memory consolidation, especially when studying for complex subjects like science. During deep sleep, your brain processes and strengthens memories, helping you retain information better. 💖💕

Why it works: Studies from Harvard Medical School show that sleep is critical for learning and memory retention. Without proper rest, your brain struggles to absorb and retain new information.

What to do: Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep each night. Create a calming bedtime routine with soft music or a warm bath to help you relax. You’ll wake up refreshed, with your mind ready to absorb more knowledge. 🌙🎀

✨ Tip 8: Positive Reinforcement and Self-Affirmations

The Psychology of Success

Believing in yourself can be as powerful as studying hard. Positive self-affirmations have been shown to reduce stress and increase motivation. Studies suggest that when you affirm your abilities, your brain releases dopamine, which improves focus and performance. 🌸💕

Why it works: Research from Psychological Science indicates that self-affirmations can reduce anxiety and enhance cognitive performance, helping you perform better in academic settings.

What to do: Begin each study session by telling yourself, “I am capable, I am smart, I will succeed.” Embrace your strength, and remind yourself that every challenge is an opportunity to grow. ✨🎀

🎀You received a message from your older internet sister🎀

‎ ‎♡₊˚ 🦢・ ₊✧ ♡₊˚ 🦢・₊✧

You have the potential to not only excel in science but to do so in a way that feels authentic to you. With these science-backed tips and my little girly inspiration, you’ll harness your natural beauty, brilliance, and grace. You’ve got this sweetie! 🌸✨

[latifafasla]

The Pink Problem: Gender and Pink

For a time the color pink has been closely associated with femininity. It has been widely used in baby clothes and Barbie dolls becoming a color, in the world of girls and women.. What does this association between femininity mean for our understanding of gender identity?. How does the media contribute to either reinforcing or challenging this stereotype? In this blog post we will dive into the " problem". Explore its impact on gender identity.

The Connection Between Pink and Femininity:

The link between the color pink and femininity has roots. It is believed that this connection emerged in the century when manufacturers started marketing pink as a color for girls. Before that, boys and girls were dressed in pink and blue interchangeably. This shift wasn't based on biology but rather a strategic marketing tactic. Over time this association grew stronger solidifying pink as the representation of femininity. This connection has had consequences for how society perceives and constructs gender identities.

Impacts on Gender Identity:

  Reinforcement of Gender Stereotypes; The strong correlation between femininity has further reinforced gender stereotypes. It communicates that femininity is synonymous with qualities, like softness, passivity, and vulnerability while masculinity is associated with strength and assertiveness.

This can put limitations on expression. Hinder our understanding of the diverse range of human identities.

Social Influence: There is often pressure to conform to gender norms, especially regarding color preferences. Boys are frequently discouraged from liking or wearing pink while girls may feel pressured to embrace it. Such social influence can impact how individuals perceive and perform their gender roles.

The Role of Media:

Media plays a role, in both reinforcing and challenging the " problem." Here are a few ways in which media shapes our perceptions of gender and color;

Advertising: Many advertisements continue to promote gender norms by using pink as a marketing tool targeted towards women and girls. They depict women and girls in pink while portraying men and boys in colors perpetuating the notion that pink is inherently feminine.

Challenging Stereotypes: In years some media platforms including fashion brands and magazines have been actively challenging these stereotypes. They have featured gender-nonconforming fashion choices along, with imagery that questions the idea that pink is exclusively associated with one particular gender. Pop Culture and Icons; The influence of media, on culture is undeniable. When known figures defy gender norms by embracing challenging color expectations it can have a positive impact on how we perceive color and gender identity.

The issue of the " problem" raises questions, about how color shapes our understanding of gender identity. Although the media has historically contributed to reinforcing stereotypes there is a growing awareness of the need to challenge them. Choosing a color should be based on preference from traditional gender expectations. By discussing and addressing the " problem " we can contribute to creating a more inclusive and accepting society where colors are just colors and expressing ones gender identity is seen as an individual choice.

Sources:

[letters-between-friends]

soft september

Hi Ana,

Today I want to write you something different. I know we're both in places of longing at the moment, which I would love to blame on whatever retrograde astrology girlies are focusing on this month, but I think every emotion and craving we're currently feeling right now are purely reminders of our being human.

Let this be an exercise of vocalising things we want. This is a safe space. The world is a safe space. I don't know what happened that convinced us otherwise but I remember being so young and open to feeling. Open to just accepting love and care with open arms. Embracing everyone and anything that shows any interest and shares insights into our lives. This has never been limited to lovers. It was from every single person who wanted to be our friend, who wanted to get to know us, who wanted to spend time with us to connect and understand.

So today I choose to be honest about the things I want. I am in tears as I write this because this is one of those rare moments when my heart frees me from the emotional constipation.

#1 - I want clarity.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to go up to Ben and just tell him, what do you want from me? You're a decade older than me and I'm scared. We have been seeing each other for a little over three months now, talking for four (because I took my sweet time before meeting up with him) and I'm scared. I don't think he knows me well enough for labels but I have a feeling it would truly break me if months down the line, we figure out we're not even on the same page. I want to be able to see or not see B, N or even S with complete transparency, and knowing where I stand.

#2 - I want peace and security.

This one I try my hardest to keep. I want to be able to live freely without worries. Being an adult is hard. Being an adult completely independent is even harder. I am so grateful that I get to live in Australia separate from the burdens of being with my family, but it continues to give me such anxiety. Every single day I have to work hard and bet on myself, all chips in. I just need to keep going at it to have all the resources I need to survive and I will be able to reap the benefits of my hardships. I just need to be patient, while continuing to be strategic with my choices and actions.

#3 - I want to be rid of shame.

I need to be kinder to myself, especially because I know how much I do to advocate for my dreams and my needs - but some days, how difficult it is to be okay with where I am currently. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I truly feel so much shame as a 28-year-old who cannot drive, does not own property, has no partner, and a very uncertain future in Australia (with visa rules and guidelines always changing). I constantly need to remind myself of how far I've come instead of focusing on how much more I have to go, but it's not always easy. I associate so much shame in not achieving what I want in the timeframe I have set for myself, but if we're being honest - who even really cares about that? Why am I giving into societal pressures my high-achieving asian ass was conditioned to succumb to? My journey is mine and mine alone, and it can be however long or short it has to be. I try every single day - some days harder than others, but I try nonetheless. And there's no shame in that.

#4 - I want love.

Lastly, before my openness expires, I'll let you hear it here first. I want love. I am trying my best not to picture R when I talk about the l-word but the acceptance we had for each other was so deep, I can't help but look back at it. I have completely let go of that era, but I am also so thankful that it happened. Every single thing I went through with everyone I've ever loved in the past decade (and probably throughout my life) has created my concept and understanding of love, that today I can describe with full certainty the kind of love I want. I want a love that is certain of me, a love willing to grow with me and hold my hand throughout my journey, a love that keeps me accountable but also understands that some days I will be imperfect and not feel my best, or not make the best choices. I want a love filled with passion, but also with respect for the things that make me me, and the things that I advocate for. I want a love who believes in me and my goals and dreams... A love that hopes with me and works with me because we know tomorrow can be better. A love that can appreciate the present with me and look at the past with gratitude instead of longing and regret. A love willing to explore new things with me but also know when it's time to be still and rest. I want a love I am happy to choose, and that chooses me in return. And most of all, my deepest desire -- coming from a girl whose parents were completely wrong for each other -- I want a love that lasts.

What a time to be soft. Happy 1st of September.

Tabitha

[the-mess-of-a-dreamerrr]

March

Reasons why I am not a manic pixie dream girl:

I'm critical. Do you fold towels differently? Wrong. There is only one way to fold towels. I don't understand how people don't learn or catch on as quickly as I do to tasks. My brain is critical and judgmental and it's awful.

I'm sloppy. Do you want the bathroom sink not to be covered in makeup and hairbrushes? Too stinking bad. Clothes? They aren't on the floor but they are draped strategically on the dresser.

I will not be cooking the "marry me chicken." Vegetables. Thats it. If you don't like veggies sorry I don't know you.

I will talk about work 24/7. I'm sorry if you don't know sally from back office but you will be hearing about our complicated interactions trying to fix an annoying problem.

Speaking of work...its my personality. My reason for waking in the morning. I care so stinking much and it does affect everything in my life.

I obsesses over new hobbies. I am a gym girlie for 6 months and the next 3 a piano amateur. I will also be taking up a new language for 2 weeks and then try crafting that will go terribly wrong in the first 10 minutes. But I've already bought a years worth of supplies that will be sitting in our garage.

I hide my emotions. Am I mad? sad? You may never know! About what you may ask I don't even think I know. I feel dumb sharing hard emotions so instead you will be terribly disturbed why I am ugly sobbing to a comedy movie for no obvious reason. This may lead you to read my journal which I stopped writing in because writing what I feel is too much. So we are both left wondering.

Want some one to grow old with? Think again! I have sinking life altering depression. Wondering whats got me in a slump? Oh its just me wanting to die 24/7 don't mind me.

My body literally rejects me. I'm allergic to this world and I don't think I'm meant to live in it. My kidneys they don't work! My bladder is constantly screaming and don't even get me started on the head aches. I think I'm sick 24/7.

I also use the same words too many times. like 24/7. I used it twice already. I get stuck on words in loops. I literally have zero original thoughts.

I am so stinking selfish. literally everything is about me. I like being the center of attention. I crave getting praise and someone saying they like something about me. I'm as egotistical as they come.

I'm fake. I literally care so stinking much what people think of me that sometimes I even change what I like to match what I think the world would want me to like. And then it's 4 years later and I've made it a personality trait and I realize I've been lying for 4 years and actually hate it and I'm left questioning who even am I???

I go to bed every night looking like a splotched animal. I have zit cream all over my face.

I HATE washing my hair. So prepare for me to wine like a 2 year old every time its wash day.

I will not be doing yard work or taking out the trash. It's a boy job. It's sexist I know but it's a boy job. Thats how my mama raised me.

I'm not coordinated and I will not be saying the right thing at the right time. I will always find a way to trip, spill food or drink, knock something over, make a loud noise. If its awkward and embarrassing. I will do it naturally.

Last but not least I made a boy fall in love with me that I constantly hurt. I continue talking to him even though I know it's destroying his mental outlook.

-MV

[thornsnvultures]

make you whole ♡

Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

summary: "What do you have?!" "A knife!" "No!!!"

warnings: knife injury, blood mention, all pretty tame but I'd rather be safe then sorry

words: 725

a/n: this is my submission for @real-jane 's #HealingHandsChallenge in celebration of her hitting 725 followers 🥰 I hope you like it, Kate, it was so hard for me to stop at 725 lol (maybe I'll write the smutty follow up to this down the line 🥴) Kate, I adore your writing. The way you have with words never fails to take my breath away, there's always new sides I see of you with every story you post and I hope we keep getting to see more and more. Thanks for including me in this, girlie, I had a lot of fun 💖 (like god I cranked that out in 2hrs. umm mom are you proud of me?? I made a moodboard who am i??)

18+ BLOG, MINORS DNI. IF YOU INTERACT AND YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR AGE VISIBLE ON YOUR BLOG YOU WILL BE BLOCKED. 18+ BLOG, MINORS DNI.

"Aren't you supposed to be some kinda elite knife murder…man? How did you accidentally cut yourself?" The stupid paper wrapper won't come off of the bandaid and it's driving you nuts. Stupid manicure, you huff to yourself and rip the paper open with your teeth. Thankfully one of the caterers had some bandaids in their bag but the character options were abysmal and apparently their packaging was military grade tough.

"So eloquent, doll." Bucky drolls sarcastically. "You're just a vision in white and I got distracted."

"Or, you were goofing around with Steve again. I told you not to play with knives around him anymore, he's a bad influence. And on our wedding day, too,' you shake your head, "unbelievable."

Bucky watched you struggle with a smirk on his face. He would ask if you wanted help but you growled, actually growled, last time. "You shouldn't be patching me up, I'll get blood on your dress."

"You're not gonna get blood on my dress."

"It'll be healed up in an hour anyway."

"That doesn't mean you don't deserve to be taken care of, Bucky!"

Your eyes meet over the Paw Patrol bandaid, now opened, paper partially peeled off in your hands.

"Sorry for snapping."

Bucky doesn't answer right away, letting you finish making sure his thumb has gotten the dire medical attention it needed. He smiles, admiring your handiwork.

"You do an amazing job taking care of me, doll."

"Of course I do. I love you, Buck. Or I wouldn't be here in this big silly dress." Your arms flail around you at the pile of tulle you're currently swamped in on the floor in front of him.

"I know, sweetheart."

You grab hold of his hand once again, press a quick, light kiss to the blue police dog taped to Bucky's thumb and and smile. "So cute."

"Y'know that's gonna show in our wedding pictures."

"Oh now you care about wedding pictures, Bucky?"

"No, but you care. You know if it was up to me we would've had our trio of idiots escort us to the courthouse and gotten this done in 20 minutes." He's right. Sam had even offered to drive.

"But don't I look pretty, Buck?" You bat your eyelashes, like anyone could ever describe you as coy, and Bucky snorts out a laugh. His calloused hands cradle your face like you're made of something delicate and precious and maybe you are, to him. It's why you're here in a large storage closet surrounded by white folding chairs and tables putting a silly little cartoon bandaid on his thumb instead of out there celebrating with your extended family. You're precious to him in ways he never thought he'd deserve. Delicate in how someone else's love could hold you up and in and wrap around you so nothing spills and you're whole. His thumbs, one metal one...plastic and sticky, caress your cheeks in soothing circles as he stares at you, lost in thought. You could go for a nap, waiting for him to come back to you, but he never took too long.

"We should get back." The low timbre of his voice sends shivers up your spine.

"We should."

"You do look beautiful by the way." Bucky plucks at the strap strategically placed over your shoulder and something in you wants him to keep pulling until there's nothing left.

"So I've heard. From you. About every five minutes."

"But it's true, doll." He runs his rough fingers down your arm and you feel like you're already shaking under him, about to fall apart. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That you stabbed yourself so you could sneak me away and have your way with me in a broom closet?"

"Wha- no! Haha! What kinda lunatic do you think I am, sweetheart? I-," he coughs and clears his throat, "okay, maybe."

"Good," you smile with a tilt of your head, feeling his thick thighs tense under your fingertips. "'Cause I'm dying to get out of this dress. How long do you think Nat and Steve can hold off the angry mob when they realize we ditched the party?"

"Who cares, I wanna have my way with my fuckin' wife. Now let me help you get-"

You wince when you hear something tear in his hands.

"Careful, grandpa, we just got you patched up."

[vonlipvig]

Survivor Winners at War Ep 9 Recap

In this episode, oh my gODDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SDHSKJHSJHSKFHSKL holy shit

...Anyway.

So the ep starts with the gang coming back to camp, and Nick and Michele are pissed cause they were not in on the last vote, and ok why is it so hilarious that it’s TONY the one that’s being super level headed and telling Nick “dude, calm down, nobody’s going after you just cause you voted for Wendell”? (No but for real, Tony’s being super smart and not that over the top sooooo...)

Then Michele and Adam have a conversation (where Michele is like “oh yeah I’m pissed”...to Adam? The person she was voting for? Lmao), and Adam tells her...his...brilliant idea.

It’s the beginning of something wonderful, oh baby.

But yeah, he thinks the little fleur de lis thingie on Jeff’s table looks like the idol Denise found, and thus, it’s probably a hidden idol...in Tribal. On the podium. And here’s where my friend and I look at each other and go hoooooly shit don’t tell me this is gonna happen cause WE CAN FEEL IT’S GONNA HAPPEN and dkjffdflk.

But we’ll go back to that.

On the Edge, the gang goes on another scavenger hunt for something to sell, and Danni and Parv end up finding a 50/50 immunity coin thing (And apparently they find it in the same place that Aubry found whatever the hell she found on s38, y’all think I remember? I’m a fan I just have shit memory, guys!). Parv decides to sell it to Michele for four tokens, which DKFHDKJ PARV YOU’RE SO RIPPING HER OFF I LOVE IT, and in the end she and Danni decide to share the news and food reward with everyone else BUT Yul and Wendell which lmao (I mean, makes sense since they were the last ones to arrive).

Back in the game proper, it’s Challenge Time! It’s the one with the fish puzzle pieces, blah blah blah, they divide into two teams, whatever. Sarah’s team wins, but then she decides to give her spot on the reward to Nick, because it was his birthday the day before (and well, he didn’t have a great time, if that TC was any indication lmao).

And ok, Sarah did it simply because she is Nice. I mean, it must be tough to keep the “strategic brain” turned on every time, cause sometimes the humanity of it all gets to you, but ONCE AGAIN TONY IS BEING A BIG VOICE OF REASON going “girlie, c’mon, that’s gonna be seen as a strategic move, they’re gonna want you out”. And he’s kind of right, cause everyone else is like uuuuuuhhh okay.

Then Michele finds the 50/50 coin that Parv is trying to sell to her, and lo and behold, she buys it!

Like, don’t get me wrong, she 100% got scammed cause that thing was NOT worth four fire tokens, but she’s in a pretty shitty position if they’re gonna keep going after low profile people (and considering she doesn’t have that many allies anymore, I’d say Jeremy but Jeremy’s the one that wants these kind of people out sooo). But yeah, making Parv rich, I’m not complaining!

For the Immunity Challenge, we have the “stand on that triangular platform on the water and stay there” challenge, which always seems like such fun and one that...I think I could do pretty well? I mean, I don’t have the worst balance?

Anyway, Kim wins (Yay, Kim!), but god was it fun to see Ben do some weird Surfing Karate to try to stay on it!

Yeehaw!

Then of course it’s time for Chaos. The lions want the vote to be between Nick and Adam. Nick wants Sophie out. Adam prefers to go for Sarah. The lions clearly don’t want it to be Sarah, so they’re ok with Adam. 

Gratuitous Sarah pic being a badass, because we all need Sarah being a badass in our lives.

Then Ben goes to confront Adam cause he had said that him and Sarah were super close and Adam is kind of trying to stumble his way out of that and it’s really awkward and also really funny? I just think they’re so over each other dfkjdfkh (AND IT AIN’T OVER YET!).

And now we go to Tribal. Hooooo boy.

So Jeff gets ignored almost right away, and LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!

You got everything, baby. You’ve got Adam and Ben going at each other about PRE-MERGE DRAMA!? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT DKJFDFKJ. While that distraction is going on, everyone is whispering, everyone is up and talking, and I’m smiling from ear to ear, gotta love this show.

AND THEN. DKJFHDKJFHD. AND THEN EVERYONE SHUTS UP AND ADAM ASKS IF THEY’RE VOTING FOR HIM.

AND THEN IT’S COMPLETE SILENCE. THEY’RE HARDCORE IGNORING HIM I’M-..DFJKDHFKDH

So at this point I’m at near death from the second hand embarrassment, and I think it’s pretty clear to everyone--Adam included--that it’s probably him being voted out...

OH BABY TIME FOR PLAN B.

So it’s time to read the votes, I’m grabbing my friend’s hand really hard, we’re at the edge of our seats, is he gonna do it? is he really gonna do it?

AND THEN. AND THEN HE DOES. HE STANDS UP. HE WALKS TO JEFF’S TABLE...

IT’S STUCK. IT’S STUCK TO THE FUCKING TABLE. BECAUSE IT’S A PIECE OF THE FUCKING SET. AND HE’S TRYING AND IT KEEPS RATTLING AND I’M DYING HOLY SHIT OH MY GODDDD DKJFHEKJFHEKF.

But holy shit it doesn’t even end there because Jeff motherfucking Probst--who thrives on chaos, tears, and embarrassment--is all “...are you sure?”, AND THEN ADAM GOES “wait, can I play that? I wanna play that.” AND JEFF IS LIKE “you wanna play...this thing...the thing you can’t get from this table.” AND ADAM’S LIKE “yes.” AND I’M IN ANOTHER DIMENSION BY THIS POINT I’M LAUGHING AND CRYING THIS IS A LOT.

And no, it wasn’t and he was voted out.

BUT LET ME SAY THIS. Fucking kudos to him for going through with all of that. Like, at one point if you know you’re screwed anyway what does it even matter right? Just fucking try, the worst thing that can happen is that you look silly, but that’s COMEDY AND WE LOVE IT. So yeah, props to him cause GOD THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

(Also, apparently there was an idol hidden in TC in an international Survivor season, maybe South Africa, I don’t remember? I didn’t watch any but if he did then he probably convinced himself it wasn’t that crazy an idea. Plus, I guess if you’re desperate you can totally convince yourself that if the idol was a fleur de lis that could be an idol as well, but yeah...it was WAY too crazy, but goddamn if it wasn’t entertaining).

Thank you Adam, love you dude.

[itsclydebitches]

How is Ozpin queer coded? I do hc him as bisexual and ace but I don’t see how he’s being intentionally queer coded. Not being rude just saying. Thank you.

Queer coding can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For me personally, Ozpin is queer coded primarily though how his design and personality rejects classical masculinity. He’s more effeminate than men are “supposed” to be and though we’re entering an age where, with a growing acceptance of various identities, many reject the idea that any look/wardrobe/action/etc. can equal [insert sexuality here], we nevertheless have a very long history of effeminacy equally a shorthand for ‘This man is queer.’ Or at the very least, ‘This man is different from other men somehow and that should make you wary.’ Which is why we get so many queer coded villains (with masculine-coded women functioning as the opposite).  

In my own reading of RWBY, details of Ozpin’s character that stand out include, but are not limited to: 

A very lithe physique. AKA not buff like a “real” man

A clear attention to style with a tailored suit, including accessories (scarf, brooch) that most men wouldn’t touch 

The way he moves and speaks. It’s all very refined and cultured. The sort of “prissy” mannerisms associated with queer men  

An emphasis on intellectual over physical strength. Ozpin wants to strategize. Ironwood, the far more classically masculine character, wants to charge in and fight 

Connected to this is his desire to be a simple headmaster instead of a war general. Ozpin is much more interested in giving advice to Ruby, or imploring Glynda to let them be children. He, in short, adopts a very nurturing persona. The motherly authority figure who gives out cookies and smiles

The way that he speaks fondly of other men, particularly Qrow. There’s no “no homo” nonsense here or an inability to articulate his love---be it platonic, sexual, or romantic---unless someone’s life is on the line. “Real” men are gruff and stoic. Queer men are much more open with their emotions because they’re “like women” 

Obviously a lot of stereotypes, but those stereotypes nevertheless hold weight. A lot of it simply comes down to pattern recognition. The concept of a (supposedly) straight man is meant to look one way and any deviation from that implies a difference in sexuality. That’s why bullies call men “gay” for liking clothes too much, or having slightly too high a voice, or hanging out with women, or liking “girly” hobbies (ballet, knitting, baking), or just moving their bodies in certain ways. These are all effeminate markers that media reinforces. As a contrast, compare someone like Geralt with Ozpin. They’re both tall, white, gray-haired men who are incredibly capable fighters. And yet...

Geralt with his massive build, armor, messy hair/beard, scars, dirty clothes, and power stance are all meant to scream, “This guy is straight! So straight!! You can have sex with so many women in this game!” 

Then Ozpin with his thin frame, stylish suit, very neat appearance, downward (submissive) expression, and primly folded hands conveys, “Yeah no. This guy definitely feels queer.” 

Ultimately it doesn’t matter whether the queer coding is intentional or subtext picked up only by the viewer. Whether RT meant to or not, they crafted a character who fits into a very long history of effeminate men equaling otherness, with sexuality being the most prominent difference between them and other men (which we can then compound through Ozpin’s literal status as an outsider to humanity and our RWBYJNR group). Audiences who grow up on Western media are going to immediately look at these markers and, whether fully consciously or not, interpret Ozpin in particular ways---including queerness. 

[kcostanz]

disclaimer: I’m going to be existential & sad before I turn it around

As 2020 wraps, I find myself increasingly absorbed by understanding the practices that I’m newly drawn to. The things I’ve chosen to connect with to get through what has certainly been the most unexpected year of my life, and perhaps that of billions of others. Even making such a grand statement still boggles my mind. Taking a moment to step outside of my life to acknowledge this global reality always gives much needed perspective. Life has been altered in wholly unforeseeable ways for billions of people this year. 

Exactly how our lives and worlds have been reshaped certainly looks different for each and every one of us. Our realities are constructed by so much: where we live, who we live with, what we do each day, our job, or the roles we play in society as a whole. Every life looks different, but the pandemic’s impact on these answers (and many more) is ever-changing and harshly felt. 

Reflecting on my own journey that has been navigating covid-19 and its impact on the world centers upon my age. Being 22 years old right now feels like constantly being stuck at a major life inflection point. In many ways I’m at the height of decision making- important ones at that, that will guide (the beginnings of) the rest of my life. Existential and perhaps a bit dramatic I know, but the pandemic exacerbates these emotions, so throw me a bone. 

I spent the first 21 years of my life on a set path, a regulated track that unknowingly provided an absurd amount of comfort. I went to public school K-12, graduated high school, and attended a 4-year institution, long awaiting the fantastical graduation year that for so long existed as a far-off fantasy: 2020. 

That momentous final semester was different than expected, but I can’t complain. I spent the last 3 months of college with a small handful of my closest friends, attended classes from the comfort of my bed, and graduated in my tiny apartment with two of my closest friends who hung around until the end. 

I procrastinated packing and cleaning my apartment until the last possible moment as my disapproving landlord approached to conduct the final walkthrough. Unsurprisingly, I left with a fraction of the security deposit, and the hard learned lesson that expo marker writing does not always come out of refrigerators (as the All Purpose spray, Oxi-Clean, bleach, hot water, soap, and eventually, shamefully, white paint can attest). 

With a egregiously packed car and zero rear view visibility, I was off. I blasted oldies with a twinge of liberation- I think I recall Born to Run (don’t worry, I am indeed embarrassed). I left all four windows down until I could no longer stand the sound of garbage bags flapping. Five short hours later I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home in Rochester, NY (with a broken mirror in the trunk no less- unsure if I’m superstitious but it felt like bad luck). 

The latter half of 2020- from June until now, has been full of unknowns, decision making in the dark, and hard fought self motivation. Vivid mixes of emotions old and new. 

First the dread of moving back in with parents as a young adult, and the stubborn resistance to fully unpack, so as to not get “too comfortable” at home. I now know such a thing is impossible for many reasons, one being that regardless of the lighting, art, and design, the girly pink walls of my childhood bedroom have proven immutable. 

Following this initial shock were extreme levels of self-induced pressure to find a job, do nothing but apply to jobs, and then bask in dejected feelings of never being able to get a job. While in the process, fully isolating myself from others, because I simultaneously felt I had too much to do, but yet was never really doing a thing. That concept has been fun to sit with. It comes with the realization that the carefree bliss of not having a single thing to do- say for a month long winter break- is officially gone. The list of things you could (and probably should) be doing is endless- welcome to the real world, Kate!

August was a blessed, beautiful month that, at the risk of (again) sounding dramatic, I am eternally grateful for. During this sweltering month I lived out of a car for nearly 3 weeks, camping with two pals throughout Utah and Wyoming. Even hitting a deer at 9pm, in a no-cell service zone, in the middle of a State Forest in Wyoming was a welcomed adventure at this point. A broken transmission, impromptu camping, two-hour tow truck ride, countless insurance calls, hostile car dealership conversations, two rental cars later, and we were back on track. This (incomplete) list of challenges provided beautiful life experience however, imparting lessons I could never fully know until I lived them. 

Returning home was as expected, a difficult transition back to monotony. Did I apply to vineyard jobs vaguely “out west?” Absolutely. Did I have it in me to go through with such a spontaneous life choice? Unfortunately not, though to my credit I did realize important goals that stood in the way of a dreamy vagabond existence. 

The fall has been a blur, and now there’s snow on the ground. I’ve found myself living for the future, and rarely ever for the moment, which is entirely antithetical to my personal philosophy. I have proclaimed my personal soundtrack to 2020 to be the loop of traditional Lebanese music that plays on repeat at my job as a server at Sinbad’s Mediterranean Cuisine (now as a takeout extraordinaire. And yes, despite the lack of in-person customers we are indeed instructed to play the CDs as per usual). This work, or my role as a part-time nanny is far from fulfilling (though the kids are darn cute), but that’s not the point for now. “At least I’m saving!” has been my most reliable source of positive encouragement, nearing personal mantra. 

I write this from my childhood bedroom, sitting at my desk, which was once our kitchen table circa 2002. It is as wobbly as it is sentimental, and I love it. The desk faces a window, the sill littered with glassware and candles because I have a thing against artificial light. I have a total of five notebooks, half opened, each containing swirling levels of thoughts, drawings, organization, calendars and to do lists. An orange caricature of a topless french woman sunbathing sits in front of me, reminding me that “TOUT VA BIEN!” (that everything is fine). And in minutes I will be dancing to the Moana soundtrack or drawing christmas trees and unicorns with 3 and 4 year olds. A snapshot of my life, at 22 years old, in 2020. 

Despite my life not being what I expected, or what I wanted it to look like as I embark on what’s supposed to be the most adventurous, spontaneous, and simply well-lived decade of my life, it is what it is, and as the french lady says, everything is fine. I have two part-time jobs, unforeseen savings, quality family time (both for better and for worse), my mom’s cooking, and a roof over my head. In a world with inconceivably high death tolls, rising unemployment and homelessness rates, and the constant, precarious fear of general loss, I have infinite blessings to count.

Life does feel like a giant waiting game though. How can one strategically plan out what comes next in their individual life when the entire world remains a massive question mark? In a time when we feel trapped, impatiently waiting for opportunities, experiences, and adventures to reopen, waiting feels hopeless. Because it is. If you’re unhappy with the opportunities before you, create your own.

I’m not saying I’m doing a stellar job at this myself- and as you can see I certainly struggle with my fair share of existential pessimism (day in and day out). But doing things has a certain electrifying feel that ignites and empowers you to build a meaningful life. I’m producing a web series with a group of similarly listless 20 somethings who are also doing their best to be creative and productive from the confines of their family homes. I’m practicing yoga and meditation really to cope with my own stress and internal anxieties, but in doing so am creating new habits and mindsets that will certainly outlast the pandemic. I’ve connected with a group of strangers by dancing to shamantic and electronica music in various outdoor locations throughout Rochester. Whoa! Never would I have imagined finding such deeply liberating peace through ecstatic dance of all things, but hey 2020 is full of surprises. 

This position I’m in is both uniquely my own through my personal experiences, and also shared by more people than I could imagine. Maybe only bits and pieces resonate with you, or maybe you are living your best life in the city of your dreams with a fabulous career in a lovely home with the world’s best roommates. But even if that’s you- you’re missing out on something too. The whole world is. We feel disconnected, disjointed, digitally controlled and consumed, and despite who we surround ourselves with- isolated. We’re stuck living in a world of “once this is over I’ll….” and no matter who you are it feels damn weird to spend so much time in your head dreaming of a future rather than living it out in the now. 

So… solutions? As we all know, you only have so much control during a global pandemic (very little to be exact). But what you can control is how you live your life during it. I certainly won’t preach to what works and pretend like I’ve figured it out- that work is no one’s to do but your own. But I do feel that so much comes down to mindset, perspective, mental health and ultimately finding ways to seek inner peace. 

Potential solutions are abundant, and have been explored by more people now than ever before. Though there is no recipe to conquer the inevitable fears, concerns and anxieties that accompany the pandemic and this phase of life, I’m interested in further exploring some of the ones that work for me. How is something as simple as breathing so helpful? 

Finding inner peace is a sought after skill in 2020. I have endless gratitude to all of the incredible humans who have served as a source of learning, and have helped me to tap into positive internal energy. My intention is to look into some of the causes of (my personal) covid-realted inner turmoil and the solutions that have brought some serenity into my life. Though they may not always be long lasting, some answers are better than none. Here’s to writing for no one, and thank you for listening. <3 

[miss-pearlescent]

The King’s Assassin

Jongin is a king and you are an assassin. Instead of killing him, you end up marrying him  (─‿‿─) How unfortunate.

The scaffolding was grand, hiding whatever was behind it. You waited outside patiently with your carrying case. Jongin would be finished soon, but you still asked to see him as soon as possible because you wanted to get ready for your classes in the evening.

You stared up at the monstrous building, wondering what could be inside that held Jongin’s attention for the past three months.

“Hello, my dear wife,” a low voice tickled your ear.

You tried ducking away but somehow Jongin’s arms still managed to pick you up off the ground.

You tried not to laugh too loudly as he spun you around. “We’ve been married for almost a year. When are you going to stop calling me that?”

“All right.” He put your feet back on the gravel and leaned in for a kiss. “Hey, you.”

You gave him a look. “’Hey, you’ right back at’cha.”

His smile was broad as he ran a hand through his hair. “What was so important that my wife asked the groundskeeper to pull me out here five minutes before the work day ended?” he teased.

You felt only a little bit guilty about that. “You don’t have to be working in there,” you said with a pout towards the door that led behind the scaffolding.

He slung an arm around your shoulders and pulled you in. “It’s always nice to work with the people who rely on us. Besides, they could always use an extra hand.”

Jongin was right. Even though he was the king, the people loved him because he always got involved with what his people were doing. He connected with them and listened to their stories.

It was the reason you ended up marrying him without a fight.

“Well,” you said as you pulled out a sachet from your carrying case. “I have these for you.”

His brows furrowed as he untied the string that held the bag closed. “What is it?”

“I was preparing the students’ meals with Nana today.” Nana was the grandmother of one of the town’s best chefs. “We made these dried fruit strips that you told me about.”

Jongin’s face lit up as he pulled out a dark red candied strip.

“You said you couldn’t find anybody who sold them anymore, right?”

He nodded and stuffed the whole snack in his mouth. “It’s just as I remembered it,” he said with a muffled groan.

You were surprised that he wasn’t cringing from all the sugar. “I wrote down the recipe so we can always have some at home.” You patted your carrying case.

He pulled you in and buried his nose in your neck, causing you to squirm a little from the ticklish sensation. “Thank you, my dear wife.”

You held back the eye roll.

“Come,” he said, pulling you towards the door as men shuffled out. “I want to show you our progress.”

You hesitated. “Are you sure?” He had been keeping this project a secret for so long that you hadn’t expected to be shown anything until news came out to the general public.

He tucked your hand in the crook of his elbow. “It’s for you.”

This time, you were the one that was confused. “For me?” Suddenly, your interest piqued and you followed eagerly after him.

“Remember our trip to the south?”

You nodded, looking around as he led you through the threshold and into a grand hall. “How could I forget?”

It was a trip that was planned right after your wedding, when you were still wary about your new husband. But he was a newly-crowned king and he had to toot his wife to the land.

The crowds called the tour “The Killer Wife” which was a little morbid and odd, but you didn’t mind.

You were busy thinking about how your whole life had changed unexpectedly.

“Do you remember what you asked to do whenever we had free time?”

You thought for a bit and then pieced out your answer slowly. “To watch...plays?”

“Mhmm.” Jongin nodded as he pulled open an ornate oak door. “We must have hit every theatre along the grand river.”

You nudged his side. “You enjoyed it, too.”

He didn’t say anything, but you saw his little smile. “Instead of travelling to all those theatres, I thought we could bring them here.”

No.

No way.

Your breath caught as he pulled back a heavy blood-red curtain. You rushed to the edge of the balcony and looked down in awe. Below your footsteps was a giant ampitheatre with enough seats to fit hundreds and a stage big enough to invite a circus troupe.

“I want to showcase local talent here and bring in acts from around the land, even across the river.” Jongin came to stand beside you, gnawing casually on the fruit snacks as if this wasn’t a huge deal. “And you’ll have the best seat in the house.”

You turned and saw two grand thrones behind you.

Your lip quivered. Even with years of training to keep your emotions in check, you had a hard time holding your tears back around Jongin.

He tugged on your wrist and sat down, pulling you into his lap. “Right here,” he teased.

“Jongin,” you began, but your words got caught in your throat.

His hands tucked you into his chest and he kissed the top of your head. “Do you like it?” he murmured as if he was unsure.

You nodded with great enthusiasm. Of course you liked it! You just couldn’t get the words out.

He tilted your chin up and gently pressed a kiss to your lips. You melted at his sweet gesture and wrapped an arm around his neck to deepen the kiss.

Jongin backed away an inch. “Don’t get carried away,” he said, his hands skimming your hips. “You have a classes to teach this evening.”

“We can be quick,” you replied and kissed him again, running your fingers along the collar of his shirt. The fabric was sticking to him from the sweat he had built up after working all day. You couldn’t wait to get it off.

He chuckled. “If your students knew the kind of filthy things their king did to their beloved teacher, I’d have all their swords in my neck.”

“They love you too much to do that, Jongin,” you reassured him as you helped him pull off his shirt.

As do I, you thought.

-

You took a swig of water from your canteen as you tucked your swords away in the leather case.

“Bye, ma’am!” one of your students called from across the courtyard.

You waved with a pile of envelopes in your hand. “Goodbye! Thank you for the card!”

It was the end of the season and there would be no more classes until after the fall harvest. The students had been kind enough to make cards and bring sweets from home to share.

You had wanted to save the cards until you got home, but you couldn’t help opening one right now. Some of the kids could barely write, but you loved to see their creativity and artwork. There were definitely a few kids in this class that had outstanding potential, and they were all eager to participate in class.

You were going to miss this group.

You sat down on the bench and pulled out an envelope that had no name on it.

Your blood ran cold as you read the few words on the otherwise empty card.

Leave him tonight, or he will die.

- B

You turned the card over in your suddenly clammy hands.

This wasn’t happening.

It had been a year since you had married Jongin; there was no way your brothers out to get him now.

Looking around, you wondered if anybody was here with you, but all was empty.

You bit your lip, thinking.

A year ago, you had been sent into town by your brothers on an elaborate mission to assassinate the king. He was in need of a wife and had called in eligible women for a week of parties.

You attended with the intention to slit his throat, not marry the man.

However, the more time you had spent with him, the thought of pulling a sword on him was impossible. He was sweet and thoughtful, carefree yet had so much purpose in life.

You had almost left the castle emptyhanded on the last night when he found you with a sword in each hand.

It was an uncomfortable confrontation, one that you didn’t like to relive because you had tackled him and pointed a knife at his neck while he laid on the ground.

He didn’t even fight you.

You thought you could get it over with—cut his throat open, end the mission, and move on with your life. But you couldn’t.

Your brothers would have called you weak. It would have been the cherry on the cake for your father, who had never fully trusted your skills simply because you were a girl who begged to carry on the centuries-long family tradition and learn how to fight. You were too girly that you could be taught to fight but could not kill.

You remembered your hands being as shaky as they were now and dropping the swords and crawling off Jongin’s back.

You couldn’t look him in the eye as he sat up. All you wanted to do was hide because you had known you had to die. An attempt at assassinating the king was a death sentence for anybody.

Maybe that was why your father had insisted on sending you.

“I’m marrying you,” Jongin had declared while the two of you sat on the cold ground outside his stables.

You weren’t able to process his words for a long time. You had asked him if he was actually a mad man. A masochist. Or perhaps he was torturing you.

You remembered asking him to kill you because you couldn’t even stand yourself for your actions.

He had taken you to your rooms instead, watching over the servants as they helped you get ready for bed. And then he sat on a chair and watched you lay in bed all night.

It did feel like torture because you couldn’t sleep a wink. Too many thoughts were racing through your head, including the fear that Jongin could take revenge and kill you in your sleep.

In the depth of the night, after you had tossed and turned for the millionth time, he told you he had married you for strategic reasons. Keeping the assassin close meant if you ever killed him, everybody would know. And if anybody else killed him, they would likely be associated with you.

And so he had brought you around his entire kingdom, making sure everyone knew that you were from a family of assassins and that you were a genius with swords. The people feared you at first, but then their opinions shifted.

They saw you as a protector of their king.

You hadn’t known what to make of it at first, but you were welcomed and appreciated for your skills for the first time in your life. And somehow, day by day, you had come to love the man who said he married you as a strategy.

And now you needed to give it all up.

You didn’t want to, but you knew your brothers. They were warning you. They wanted their sister back after you gained fame. You needed to work for the family or else.

You couldn’t put Jongin’s life at risk.

You began packing your swords away, hating yourself and everything you stood for.

-

You had spent the last hour slowly inching away from Jongin’s arms. You had started the night complaining that it was too hot and that you couldn’t stand cuddling too close despite how much you wanted to. He didn’t question you even after having had two hours of rough heated sex prior to heading for bed.

You lifted the fingers that still lingered on your waist and slowly crawled off the bed, making sure not to shift the weight at all. Gently, you set his hand down and gave his thumb the tiniest rub.

You watched for a second as your husband slept peacefully, the moonlight illuminating his handsome face and the breeze from the window ruffling his hair just slightly.

A chill ran up your spine as you thought about your escape. You really needed to come up with better excuses too because the night wasn’t warm at all.

Quietly, you grabbed your cloak and carrying case from behind the chaise and sneaked out the door.

You pressed a palm to your eyes as tears threatened to push out. You didn’t have time to cry. You had to leave.

You pulled the cloak around your shift and tugged the hood over your eyes as you climbed down the servant’s staircase and out the back door.

The night was clear and you thanked your maker as you silently tread down the cobblestone into town. It was a bit of a walk, but you hadn’t lost your stealth and stamina in the past year as you taught many sword fighting lessons per week.

There were only a few lit lanterns here or there when you reached town, mostly for the pubs and taverns. You stayed in the shadows to avoid being seen even though you saw some familiar faces.

You ducked down alleyways, staying away from big streets as you mapped out your way to the gates. You were glad you had accompanied Jongin on so many trips to town because you knew this place like the back of your hand.

Once you left the gates though, you would never be back.

You pushed the thoughts away and moved forward, the gates coming into view with every step.

The steps felt like lead.

You made sure your hood was pulled down low before you came into view of the iron gate. Looking around, you could see five guards. Nobody should give you any trouble, but it was still odd to have a lone woman leaving town at this time of night.

It might have to come down to knocking these boys out.

You approached with your shoulders pulled back, trying to appear as if you had a real purpose in leaving so late.

Slowly, the guards crept away from their post.

“Miss, are you looking to go somewhere?”

You gave a mental groan. You knew that voice. It was one of your best students who had recently gotten a job with the military.

Why did he have to be stationed here tonight?

You didn’t want to have to knock him unconscious.

You stayed silent, walking forward only until you were steps away from the gate and the soldiers were flanking all sides. They were almost close enough now that you could take them down in one swoop. Just one step closer...

This had to be done quick, or else—

“Stand down, boys.”

You stiffened at the voice that came from behind you.

“Your Majesty!” one of the soldiers dropped to one knee as the others did one by one.

You didn’t dare turn around as an arm snaked around your waist. “I promised my wife we would go do some forest training tonight. She was so eager that she beat me to it.” His hand held you tight enough that you couldn’t run away.

“Of course, Your Majesty! We will open the gates right away.”

The guards ran back to their posts, shouting orders. Then the gates suddenly opened wide.

“After you,” Jongin whispered, “my dear wife.”

-

The two of you were deep into the forest before either of you said a word.

You spun around, out of his grip, and took a few steps back. Jongin held his ground.

“You need to get away from me,” you warned.

He crossed his arms, unfazed. “Why?”

You couldn’t say the truth because he would simply pull you back and his life would still be in danger. He needed to get rid of you. “Because...” You clenched your fists under the heavy sleeves of your cloak. “Because I don’t want this anymore. I don’t love you.”

Jongin stood there, still as the night. You could see his jaw tighten, but that was the only indication that he had heard your words.

“I don’t love you, Jongin,” you pushed the sentence through your teeth. “I was forced into the marriage by circumstance and I’ve had enough of it.”

A tense moment passed by and you could feel your knees getting wobbly as he stared down at you. “That’s not how you acted a few hours ago when I had you in bed.”

Your fingernails dug into your palm as you tried not to think about that. He was right, you had practically clung to him that night. But things were different now. “It’s not that hard to sell my body for safety,” you spat out.

He bristled as if you had stabbed him through the heart. “So you don’t want me,” he said as if confirming a fact.

You forced yourself to give a steady nod even as your heart threatened to crack into a million pieces.

“And you never did want me.”

You swallowed. “Never.”

He needed to leave. He needed to leave now and stop watching you because you were about to break down and weep.

You flinched when you heard an explosion in the distance. You followed Jongin’s wide gaze behind you. A tower was lit up in flames.

It was the castle.

And the tower was where you slept with Jongin every night.

There was no way around it. Your brothers had planned on killing Jongin whether you were near him or not.

Your hands shook as you grabbed Jongin’s arm, pulling him behind you.

“You need to hide.” Your voice threatened to break. Too much was happening tonight and you didn’t know if you could save him or not. Not if your brothers were armed with so much as a bomb.

You were used to close combat and maybe a few long distance weapons.

But a bomb? That was new.

You found a wide tree trunk with a huge burrow at its roots. “Get inside.” You pushed your husband into the hole, following behind him. “We need to stay here for tonight.”

“In a tree?”

You arranged your limbs so you could sit next to him. “Yes. Once they find out that you haven’t been killed, they will be looking for you.”

“Who is ‘they’?”

You licked your cracked lips, realizing how scared you really were as the quiet of the night settled in. “My brothers.” You couldn’t see the castle from here, but you could guess that everyone was awake and scrambling for their lives.

All because Jongin had married you.

You needed a plan, fast. You couldn’t risk the lives of all these people.

You didn’t realize you were pressing your cheek on Jongin’s shoulder until you felt his fingers rubbing small circles along your back. “You shouldn’t be the one comforting me,” you said even as you pressed closer.

“Because you don’t love me?” he asked even as he continued with his caresses.

Now you really hated yourself. “Because you’re the one they are after, not me.”

A long moment passed as you worried your lip and shifted your weight to get more comfortable. It was going to be a long night.

“I’ve been a target ever since I was born,” Jongin said nonchalantly. “It is a part of my life.”

“It shouldn’t be,” you refuted.

“It shouldn’t, but it is.” He pulled you onto his lap and you didn’t have the energy to fight him. The hole was small and your butt hurt from sitting on rocks. “That’s why I married you. Now sleep, my dear wife. It is going to be a long night.”

You didn’t fight him as he curled his fingers around yours. Your only job was to stay awake and watch for any movement in the night.

You ignored the voice inside of you that insisted you tell Jongin that you do love him. His words were kind, but he sounded sad and tired.

But you still had plans to leave because you couldn’t jeopardize the lives of all these people you had come to love in the last year.

You wanted to rip your hair out in frustration.

One night at a time, first.

Your eyelids were heavy as you heard the faint whistle.

“Did you hear that?” you asked in a light whisper as you reached for the sword in your boot.

“Hear what?”

Maybe you had imagined it. Maybe the fear and fatigue was getting to you. It had been years since you had trained with your brothers, coordinating attacks using little whistles. Maybe your ears were playing tricks with you.

But then you heard the click.

You flew into action, throwing your carrying case across your back as you turned in Jongin’s lap.

You tucked his head to your chest and hoped for the best. Hoped that the wooden case would give you enough coverage that whatever weapon they used would only pierce your body and not his.

You felt the pain in your shoulder and stifled a cry.

Shakily, you looked down and saw the arrow embedded in the tree trunk, pinning you there by the shoulder.

Faintly, you heard Jongin screaming your name.

You stopped yourself from screaming by concentrating on Jongin’s face. The black was creeping into your vision quickly. You were going to pass out very soon and you knew you only had a few breaths left.

Behind you, you heard shouts and swords clanging. You hoped Jongin’s guards and soldiers had come because you weren’t going to be able to protect Jongin anymore.

You struggled to focus on Jongin’s eyes as he cupped your face. He was saying something with tears running down his face. You wanted to tell him not to cry but you needed to get the most important words out first.

“I love you,” you choked out. “You know that, right?”

He had to know. He had to, or else you wouldn’t be able to die peacefully. You shoulder hurt like a beast and you wanted to be free from the pain.

“No. No, no! No, you can’t.” You heard his voice even though you weren’t sure if you were looking at him anymore.

But I do. I really love you. “I do.” You hoped he heard your last words before you lost consciousness.

-

You watched as Jongin walked away again.

You didn’t understand.

All you wanted to do was bring him snacks and tell him about the stories that Nana had told you. You wanted to protect him and do practise some basic sword training with him.

But Jongin kept turning away.

You tried to grab at his hand that always seemed so close. Maybe if you held on tight enough, he would stay.

But he never did.

You went back to sleep, wondering how you could get to him again.

-

You woke up and you weren’t in Jongin’s arms.

That was strange.

Was it because you hadn’t wanted his arms around you the last time you were in bed with him?

“I knew you were up to something when you didn’t snuggle with me that night,” a voice said.

Ah, that was why.

Well, then you just needed to find Jongin and cuddle with him to make sure he never let you go.

Where was he?

-

A huge pain ran down your arm and you found yourself pinned to a tree. You screamed and thrashed because you knew Jongin was next on the kill list.

You needed to be next to him but this goddamn arrow was stopping you.

You cried yourself to sleep because you couldn’t find him.

-

You woke up, this time in your bedroom. It was warm and there was a nice breeze coming through the window.

You needed to find Jongin.

You looked around the room and he was there, sitting on the chair beside your bed. His eyes were closed and you wanted to call his name but you couldn’t find your voice.

You had to get to him before he disappeared again.

Even though your shoulder was killing you, you sat up, groaning as you slid off the bed.

Jongin’s eyes snapped open and you could see the red veins in them.

Had he slept at all last night?

He caught you by the arms as you crawled into his lap.

“You’re here,” you croaked with your hoarse morning voice.

And he was shaking.

You curled on his lap, so happy that you had finally reached him.

“Of course I’m here,” he said, sounding just as tired as you. “Did you hear me?”

You looked up, confused at why he was crying. “No, what did you say? Wait, no, have you eaten yet? You are starting to look thin.” You touched his cheek that seemed to have sunken in, made worse by the dark circles under his eyes.

He barked out a laugh. “I haven’t eaten in a week.”

“Why not?” You shot up but he held you in his lap. “You weren’t working on the theatre this whole time, were you?”

He laughed again, burying his face in your neck. “My dear, dear wife.”

“Jongin.” You ran a hand through his ruffled hair. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “How is your shoulder feeling?”

You grimaced. “Like a mother.”

He laughed again, tightening his arms around you. “I told you to heal quickly because you had to come to the theatre with me.”

“Oh, you did? Of course I’m coming!”

“And we have to make those fruit strips with the recipe that Nana gave you.”

You nodded as a few memories came back. They seemed to be recent yet so long ago at the same time.

Jongin gave you a little kiss on your nose. “And I have to love you.”

“I...”

He shook his head. “You don’t have to say it.”

All of a sudden, everything came back to you. Your shoulder throbbed as you looked down and saw that you were heavily bandaged. But the pain wasn’t as bad as remembering all the hurtful words you had said.

“Jongin, I...” you stumbled on your words as he kissed you again. “I love you. I’m so sorry.”

He tilted your chin up to look at him. “I’m just glad I didn’t lose you.”

How could you have thought to run away from this man? You realized in your fevered dreams that you never wanted to leave his side.

“I��m here now,” you reassured him. “I’m not leaving.”

“Never again,” he said, pulling you in. “You nearly killed me, my dear assassin wife.”

---

ಥ‿ಥ How long has it been since I’ve written something with no explicit sex scenes? I’ve really been in the mood for some angst and suffering so I hope I delivered! Thank you for reading and have a great weekend :D

[thechurchofv]

Binding with Briars Chapter 1

Slow burn, flirting, Canon Divergence, V is only V, NSFW will be included.

“Hey! Rise and shine there, sleeping beauty!”

You made a weak attempt to shield yourself from the blinding sun as Nico yanked open the van's small curtains, and gave a groan. You buried your face in your pillow.

“Nico, didn't Nero say something about how I'm supposed to be 'recovering’?” Your voice was muffled as you made a bolder attempt to reclaim sleep.

Your head abruptly smacked against the bench you had been sleeping on as Nico yanked your pillow out from under you. You bolted upright.

“What the fuck--” Your pillow came back at you, hitting you square in the face. You tossed it aside to see the mechanic already dressed, her dark hair pulled back into a pony tail, a hand on her hip and brows knitted together.

“Nah ah, don't you give me none of this 'recovering’ nonsense, you've been layin’ about for the better part of three days.” Nico handed you jeans and a plain shirt, and as you struggled to move your arms above your head to put the shirt on her stern expression softened.

As you finally stood you heard, “Look, girlie, we're all real sorry about what's happened to ya and all, what with being stuck in that hellhole for a few days, losin’ your family to that damned houseplant”.

You winced at both the pain in your arms and at the mention of Redgrave City. You didn't want to think too hard about what you had seen and the people you loved and lost when the Qliphoth emerged. You tugged on your jeans and stood, tiny jolts of pain running up your arms from where the injuries to your joints were still on the mend. You tried to remind yourself you were lucky just to be alive, but somehow it still wasn't very cheering.

Nico sighed, moving back to the makeshift kitchen to pull together a cup of coffee. She turned back to you, setting her mug down on the counter with a thump.

“But cha gotta get up at some point, gotta get back at it! That bastard demon tree that caused all this ain't gonna kill itself, and you got a stake in this here fight now too”. She gave you a firm nod and waved her coffee cup at you. “The sooner ya start back at it, the better.”

“How can I even help? I didn't do much of anything while I was in Redgrave but run and scream.” You were more than a little embarrassed that you hadn't risen to the occasion as a hero, and instead scrambled wildly for survival. You grabbed a cup of coffee from the pot, savoring the first hot thing you've had to drink since you were rescued.

Nico shrugged. “Well shit, those buildings you were hidin’ out in were basically mazes, and even without a whole lotta fightin’ you made it out alive. I'd say that makes you our resident strategist.” Nico nodded to herself, proud of her own leap in logic.

You sputtered as you choked on your coffee, gasping as it scalded your tongue and splashed down your shirt. “A strategist? Nico, just because I found an escape route for me doesn't mean I can find one for 3 or more people.” You shook your head as you attempted to wipe your shirt clean “it's just too much for one person.” Your head spun at the overload of information.

Nico rolled her eyes, shook her head, and moved past you toward the front of the RV. “Quit your whinin’, it's already been decided, Nero and I talked it all over ‘fore you even woke up. We all earn our keep round here, fightin' demons, and since we did the hard part-- saving your ass, mind you--, and you got nowhere else to go, you'll stay and help us out.” She smiled and rested her hand on the headrest of the passenger seat. “ 'Sides, you won't be strategizing for all of them boys, just one of them”.

You pulled off your now coffee soaked shirt and went digging through the nearby laundry hamper for a new one, pulling it half on as you called out “Well, I guess that's more manageable, then. All depends, who am I paired with?”

A smooth voice split the silence. “You'll be joining me”.

You gave a little cry as you frantically pulled your shirt on the rest of the way, scrambling to cover yourself as a dark haired man rose from sitting in the passenger seat. His carefully neutral expression didn't give away whether or not he had seen anything.

“How long has he been--”

Nico waved her hand and cut you off. “This is V, y'all might've met before, but I don't think anyone would blame ya for not remembering. You were pretty banged up for a while”.

One hand gripped a cane, and V's other hand gave a polite half wave. A subtle smile played at his lips. “It's good to see you that you've recovered”. Your cheeks burned as you tried to focus on something other than the intricate tattoos that spanned his torso and arms, left visible by the long black vest and low slung jeans he wore.

V cleared his throat loud enough to get your attention, and the blush you were fighting crept up your face as you looked down at the floor.

You took a breath to refocus. “Thank you, I'm fine.”

V's tongue caught the edge of his canine tooth bringing his lips into a smirk; he arched an eyebrow. “So it would seem you are.” By the time your eyes had reached his face it was once again carefully neutral. You shook your head slightly, you had to have been hearing things.

V stumbled as Nico clapped a hand to his shoulder.  “Well the way I see it, V ain't too great with fighting neither, 'cept with them fancy shadow demons of his, so he'll need all the help he can get”. V leaned on his cane and stood upright, moving more toward the door.

“And we've got a mission this morning, you and I”. V pushed open the door, letting in blinding sunlight in large streams. Your stomach dipped at the mention of you both as a team.

“Just keep an eye on me, watch my back, and everything should go smoothly” V lead the way out of the RV as the door shut behind you. As you hurriedly yanked on your shoes leaning against the van, you looked up to find V already a few steps ahead of you.

V looked over his shoulder, a smirk on his face. “Though it doesn't seem you're able to watch much of anything else, hm?”

The blush on your face might as well be permanent it's so frequent. Your reply came out as a stammer.

“I don't know what you mean. I'm just nervous for the mission, it's not like I've ever been one before anyways.” You ran to catch up to him, struggling with the uneven pavement.

V chuckled, giving a quiet “hmm” of consideration. “How good it is to be a lady's first”.

You opened your mouth to reply when V's hand wrapped around your waist, abruptly yanking you closer to him as the ground beneath you gave away. A shriek of surprise left your lips as you both fell to the pavement away from the gap in the street.

When you sat up V was flat on his back, and to your mortification you realized you were essentially straddling him, one knee on either side of his hips. He arched a brow at you.

“For someone who is supposed to excel at strategy, you seem to be a little... distracted.” He gestured with a free hand to your position and his other hand grabbed his cane.

You hurriedly stood up, blindly moving forward down the path where the road collapsed down to meet the earth. You jumped as V crept up from behind, his voice low and smooth in your ear, “Perhaps we'll save that for some other time”. You tripped over the uneven pavement, your focus lost as your cheeks burned. You gave a groan as V forged the path ahead once again.

“Can you stop for one second?” You snapped. V scaled down into the sewer system extending a hand to you.

“And what exactly do you want me to stop doing?” V's face betrayed nothing of his thoughts.

“All of that... talking! Or whatever it is you're doing. Stop trying to throw me off.” You looked away from him as he took your hand and helped you down into the sewer tunnel.

V looked irrationally calm. “I'm afraid I fail to see what you mean. It's no matter” he waved a hand, cutting off your dissent. “Now the real mission begins”.

“What are we hunting down, exactly?” You had forgotten to even ask, and you cursed yourself for following blindly.

Any hint of humor that had been there prior was gone from V's expression and replaced with a serious face that sent a chill down your spine.

“We're going to kill the Elder Geryon Knight and his steed.” V's voice lowered conspiratorially. “What they don't know is you're also going to help me find the Devil Sword Sparda, to end this war with the Qliphoth and it's king, Urizen.”

As you both headed into the sewer system and away from the light of day, V whipped around to be face to face you, walking backward just to keep ahead of you. The tunnel grew darker and darker. “And they don't need to know. It shall be our little secret.”

Your eyes narrowed. “Is this whole fight some kind of game to you? I lost family you know, friends, and I'm not here to--”

You stopped as V pressed a finger to your lips. His voice had gained a new edge, something dangerous lurked beneath his words. “A horse misused upon the road calls to Heaven for human blood.”

You blinked, more confused than anything. You thrashed your head, freeing yourself from his grip. “I don't know what that means, and I'm going to need some answers if we're supposed to be a team.” You spat the last word as if sarcasm could be a curse.

“It means don't test my resolve, little wanderer. I want this war to end more than you could possibly ever understand.” His hand encircled your wrist, yanking you forward into the dark, his pace much quicker now even with his cane.

“Punishments await those who those who fail me. You have yet to prove yourself as a capable strategist.” You shivered as you followed hurriedly through the dark. V chuckled, though it sounded humorless.  

“Here's a good chance for you to prove yourself now. Unless you'd rather see the punishment, that is.” Light leapt forth from V as a large panther sprung into existence, a smile that was all teeth on V's face. In the glow he seemed almost predatory. You gave a cry as the light revealed a horde Empusa demon, shrieks rising up as they squirmed under the magic glow.

V looked over his shoulder and smirked. “Now's a chance to put your staring to good use, little wanderer.” He gestured with his cane to a higher ledge. “If you please, watch over me.”