#we just made fun of that for like the entire duration of being at that restaurant

[daddy-dotcom]

Bang My Line

Summary: You're Penelope Garcia's first intern, and you learn a lot more from her than just her technical skills.

Rating: M

Words:4, 357

Warnings: Fluff, typical canon violence mentions, smut ;)

*reblogs or comments r much appreciated*

Read my newest fic Scents and Sensibility out now 🤭

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The first day was a blur. It was scary enough to completely change career paths, but working for the FBI was an entirely different beast. Between what seemed like hundreds of background checks and interviews, I finally made it to my first day. Granted, I would just be an intern for now, but hopefully this would lead to a permanent position as a technical analyst. I waited in the lobby for Penelope Garcia, the woman who would be my mentor for the duration of my time with the BAU. We had spoken over the phone and even texted back and forth a bit, but this would be my first time meeting in person.

“There she is! My shiny new intern.”

“Hi you must be Agent Garcia,” I replied with my arm outstretched. She took it and gave what was the most enthusiastic hand shake I’ve ever seen.

“Oh honey, I’m way too fun for you to call me agent. Call me Penelope.” I shook my head in agreement and she led me towards the elevator.

“I know I gave you a rundown of the team via our text messages, but be prepared for them to ask you a million questions. You’re my first ever intern and they’re dying to meet the newest member of the team.”

“Duly noted, just know I’m going to be doing the same to you Penn because I’m a little out of my element here.”

“hmm Penn, I like the sound of that.”

As the elevator doors opened, I could see the rest of the team gathered around a desk, too focused on their own conversation to notice me and Penelope.

“Everyone, please welcome my first and only intern (Y/N).”

The man in the crisp black suit stood up first to greet me and introduced himself as Agent Aaron Hotchner.

“Penelope has not shut up about her new intern so it’s nice to finally put a pretty face to the name. I’m SSA Derek Morgan.”

I let out a bashful chuckle as I shook Morgan’s hand. Penelope did warn me that he could be a bit of a flirt. I was then greeted by a blonde woman who goes by JJ and an older man named Agent Rossi.

“Don’t tell me you write in pink sparkly gel pen too?” he jokingly asked.

I smiled and shook my head no, before being greeted by Agent Emily Prentiss.

“Don’t mind Rossi, it’s always nice to have another woman on the team to keep these boys in check.”

She gestured towards Morgan and the other agent beside her, who I can only assume is none other than Dr. Spencer Reid.

Penelope had described him as quote “Steven Hawking trapped in a young Bill Nye’s body.” What I didn’t expect was for him to actually be attractive. Sure, Agent Morgan and even Agent Hotchner were easy on the eyes, but Spencer Reid was strikingly handsome in the most unassuming way. The soft golden waves that covered the top of his head combined with those puppy dog eyes were enough to remind me how nervous I was to be joining the team.

“Nice to meet you (Y/N)” he said as he took my hand. My palms were beginning to sweat, but the steadiness of his firm grasp eased my nerves.

“Likewise,” was all I could manage to say. He held my gaze for what felt like both a moment and an eternity, before releasing my hand.

“Well, (Y/N), let’s get you briefed on your first case,” said Penelope.

I followed Penelope into the briefing room and decided to sit in the seat closest to the screen so that I could take notes on her presentation. To my surprise, Spencer took the seat next to me. As if I wasn't already a nervous wreck, his close proximity to me was going to make my writing even more illegible than usual. Still, I could get used to sitting next to the most handsome member of the team.

As Penelope wrapped up her presentation and the rest of the team departed on the jet, the bubbly blonde gave me a little tour of her office. Rossi wasn't joking about Penelope's love of glitter gel pens, and her desk was adorned with unicorn paperweights and mermaid statues.

"This is your workspace over here, (Y/N), although you'll mostly be assisting me for the first couple of weeks. Feel free to decorate your desk with as many unicorns as you please," she said.

The first hour or so of work was mostly getting situated in my new workspace, but we soon got our first call from the team, and it was from the man himself, Derek Morgan. Penelope pressed the button to answer the phone and his voice immediately came through the speaker for both of us to hear.

"It's your babygirl and her babygirl in training, what do ya need hot stuff?" said Penelope.

"Hey mama, I need you to look into Walter Price's bank activity for the last few months, see if there were any suspicious withdrawals or transfers."

"Anything for you gorgeous"

"Thanks babygirl, I'll be expecting your call back soon."

I sat with my mouth slightly ajar, looking over at Penelope dumbfounded.

"Do you talk to everyone on the phone that way?" you asked.

"Nope, just my sweet lover Derek Morgan."

I paused for a second before asking my follow up question, "so are you two like...in a relationship?"

"Only in my dreams," Penelope said with a wink. I let out a laugh because this whole situation surprisingly made me more at ease in my new job.

"As your intern, I guess it's my job to learn how to answer the phone like you?" I said with a wicked smile.

"Oh no my dear, at least, not yet. We've got a long way to go before you get to my level. And of course you'll have to find your own gorgeous man to talk dirty to, Morgan is already taken."

That definitely wouldn't be a problem, I already had the most gorgeous man on the team in mind.

I spent the next few weeks listening in on Penelope's phone calls and looking up information for her. I even got to help her present a new case to the team. After my first week, the team took me out to celebrate surviving my first case with the BAU. Even though I had become more comfortable around everyone on the team, I couldn't shake the butterflies Reid gave me whenever we interacted. However, I did notice that I was much more confident over the phone than in person. I tried to conceal my blossoming crush on Spencer as best I could, but I couldn't help but be the slightest bit sweeter to him whenever he was the one who called us.

During my second month of internship, we had a particularly hard time tracking down an unsub. Penelope was getting way too many names and she called Spencer to help her narrow down the list.

"There were traces of chlorine and calcium hypochlorite on the body which are chemicals commonly used in pool maintenance, Garcia narrow it down to men over 40 in the area who own pools or work in pool maintenance," he said.

"One name! It's Michael Dunlop, he works as a freelance pool maintenance man and, ooh get this, he hasn't responded to any jobs since the first murder on June 11th."

"Sending the address to your phones right now!" I interjected.

"Thanks (Y/N),"

"Anything for you, cutie" I said, with a sudden burst of confidence.

As I hung up with a satisfied look on my face, Penelope glanced over at me looking smug as ever.

"Cutie huh? That's a new one," Penelope said, "I knew I'd rub off on you sooner or later." And she was right. I started incorporating more color into my work wardrobe and I even brought my tiny stuffed cow to sit at my desk.

"You said I had to find my own gorgeous man to flirt with on the phone...so I did."

"I knew it! You have a crush on our genius boy-wonder!" She was positively giddy just by the thought of it. "I mean he's always sitting next to you and looking over at you when he thinks no one is noticing. You would think in a room full of profilers that I wouldn't be the only one to notice, and yet here we are."

It never occurred to me that my little crush might actually be reciprocated. Spencer was always a bit socially awkward, so I just assumed that he was the same way with me. I never once thought that he was actually as nervous to talk to me as I was to him. This fact somehow boosted my confidence even more, and I decided to have some fun with Spencer over the phone.

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"Cutie huh?" Morgan asked the blushing boy. Spencer was used to Penelope teasing him, but this was different. He had been harboring a small crush on their newest intern for the past month, and when she flirted with him over speakerphone for Morgan, of all people, to hear, Spencer couldn't help but turn as red as a tomato.

Of course, being a profiler, Morgan took notice of Reid's crimson cheeks. "Call me crazy but I think she likes you, pretty boy."

"O-of course not, she's just copying the way Garcia talks to you," Spencer stuttered.

"That may be true, the only difference is that you have a little crush yourself."

Spencer didn't bother trying to lie since he knew Morgan would see right through him, so he just mumbled something about Prentiss and Hotch needing them at the location (Y/N) sent.

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It was a lot easier to flirt with Spencer when he wasn't physically in front of me. When we were in the office together, we'd shoot each other smiles from across the room or he'd bring me an extra coffee in the morning. But when he was out in the field and I was back at my desk at the BAU, it was a whole different game. I tried my hardest to make him blush over the phone any chance I got, and it seemed to be working. After Penelope found out about my little crush, she decided to play matchmaker and slip Spencer my work phone number to call me instead for information. For the first time, I heard my phone ring instead of Penelope's and I immediately answered.

“Give it to me good baby, what do you need from me?” I replied. I knew it was Spencer since he was the only one who had my number.

"Hey (Y/N)" he said, and I swear I could hear him smiling through the phone. I could tell he had become more comfortable with our one-sided phone flirting over the past month. "I need you to look up all of Dr. Gupta's patients at the psychiatric clinic for the past 3 months, see if any of them drive a black van."

"You got it, gorgeous. If you need anything you know you can always bang my line."

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“You have (Y/N)’s number?” JJ asked.

Spencer looked puzzled, “Yea.. don’t we all?”

“I think it’s just you pretty boy” Morgan quipped, as he chuckled and gave him a pat on the back.

Spencer had grown fond of (Y/N)'s phone flirtation, but he was too embarrassed to return the favor in front of his colleagues. He loved watching her walk around the office in her high heels, trying to keep up with Penelope's fast pace. He knew brief glances and morning coffees weren't going to cut it anymore, he had to do something before her internship was over. So he decided to call her on his way home from working the case.

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The team had just finished a case and were on the plane headed back to Quantico. Penelope had plans so she left me to wrap things up in the office. Just as I was making my way towards the door, my phone began to ring. Confused, I picked up the phone and listened to see if it was a misdial.

"Hey babygirl."

I nearly choked when I realized who was speaking. My body involuntarily shivered and my heart quickened its pace. This "babygirl" hadn't come from Morgan, it was Spencer on the other line.

"Hi Spencer! What's up I thought you guys wrapped up the case?" I asked in a confused tone.

"We did, but I thought I'd call you without everyone else around." His voice sounded sultry and silky smooth, unlike his usual rapid rambling, and it made it so much harder for me to speak. "We should be landing in about twenty minutes, stay in your office and I'll meet you there."

"Okay, I'll be waiting here, handsome."

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Those twenty minutes were the longest twenty minutes of my life. I knew Spencer had a crush on me as well, but what could he possibly want to meet with me for? Was he going to ask me to stop flirting with him on the phone? Was he going to ask me out? Was he trying to make out with me? God I secretly hoped it was the latter...

Just as I had been getting lost in my own thoughts, I heard the familiar voices of the rest of the team down the hall. I knew Spencer would be walking into my office any minute, so I nervously fixed my hair and applied the lipgloss Penelope gave me.

"Hey babygirl," said the tall man standing in the door frame.

"Hi Spencie," I said with a smile as I called him the nickname I lovingly gave him, which I'm sure he secretly hates. I couldn’t help but grin since the word “baby girl” still seemed so foreign coming from his mouth. I stood up to meet his gaze as he slowly made his way over to my desk.

"I know you've been teasing me these past couple weeks," he said as we closed the gap between our bodies. I would say our faces were inches from each other, but he was impossibly tall and my face didn't reach past his chest, "but now its my turn to tease you," he said as he brought his hands behind my ears and pressed his lips onto mine. He was gentle and tentative at first, but I passionately pressed my lips back against his to deepen the kiss. I ran my hands through his gorgeous locks and began to tug. We quickly became a breathless mess and I couldn't help the feeling building in the pit of my stomach. His hands traveled down to my waist and he gingerly pulled me closer. He was both hesitant and passionate, not quite sure if he should act on his instincts. He pulled back for just a second to speak:

"I know you only have a few weeks left with us, but would you like to get coffee sometime?" he asked with those same puppy dog eyes that made me fall for him in the first place.

"Oh Spencie, we're a bit past coffee don't you think?" I said with blushy cheeks. "Let's get dinner sometime, I'm free any night except Tuesday, I have Zumba class with Penelope."

"She really has influenced you a lot hasn't she?" he said, making a mental note of the pink scrunchie in my hair.

"In more ways than one hot stuff."

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Over the next few weeks, I spent my days phone flirting with Spencer at work and my nights making out with him in my office or eating Chinese take-out in his apartment. No one on the team, not even Penelope, knew about our brewing workplace romance, and we intended to keep it that way until I was hired permanently. However, that didn't stop him from flirting back on our calls. I was on my last week of internship and I was now the only one who Spencer called when he needed information. Spencer and I had agreed to take it slow, but our most recent calls had me desperate to find out what else he was packing besides the gun strapped to his hip. Just then, a call interrupted my wandering thoughts and I immediately picked up knowing it was him.

“Dayton Ohio you're on the air" I answered in my sexiest voice possible.

"I'd like to make a request," Spencer replied.

"You can request anything you want, doctor" I could hear him chuckle behind the phone before telling me what he actually needed.

"I need you to look up a marketing firm by the name of Firsthand Media and see if they have any connections to the colleges of the first set of victims."

"I'm on it, sugar" I answered.

"Oh and one more favor, look up the words beautiful and brilliant and see what you can find."

"Look at that, it's me"

"You're the best (Y/N)"

I could feel Penelope's eyes on me before she turned around and said

"I've never been more proud."

The rest of the day was filled with calls from the other agents to Penelope, mostly Morgan, until that evening when I got one last call from Spencer. He asked me to see if there were any men who had been admitted to the hospital in the last 6 months for brain injuries, but no one came up.

"Couldn't find anything, looks like you're going to have to punish me Spencie," I replied.

"You'll just have to wait til I get back for that"

He hung up, and I couldn't believe what I just heard. Penelope and I were in shock that Spencer Reid could be so dirty. For once, I was the one blushing on the other end.

"(Y/N) I swear to god if you don't let that man make sweet love to you I am personally writing your letter of resignation"

"Penn! We just flirt is all, like you and Morgan, I could never actually be with him"

"So you two haven't been using my sacred office space to make-out between cases?" she asked with raised eyebrows. I stood there, with my mouth open and eyes wide, looking guilty as ever.

"You do know there's a camera in this office right?" I was mortified. Thank God we'd never done anything more than kiss in this office.

"You knew this whole time? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh Morgan knows, but everybody else is still in the dark because I didn't want to risk you not getting hired. And I hacked into the security computers and deleted the footage."

"Thank you so much Penn, and I promise I won't have anymore heated makeout sessions in this office, or anywhere in this building for that matter."

"Anything for my little protege. But in all seriousness, you should definitely ride boy-wonder off into the sunset and make it official once you're hired."

"Penelope!" I hit her in the arm, only half jokingly because I knew deep down that that's exactly what I should do.

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As usual, I waited in my office for Spencer to meet me. But this time, I was determined to go back to his apartment and finish what we started over the phone.

"Hello beautiful" he said as he made his way over to me. He greeted me with a hungry kiss and it took every ounce of strength I had not to pin him down and ride him in this office.

"Spencer listen, we can't makeout in this office anymore. Garcia and Morgan know about us already and she had to delete the footage off of the security cameras."

"Morgan knows? That present he gave me actually makes a lot of sense now."

"Nevermind that," I said before moving closer to whisper in his ear, "what I need now is for you to punish me like you said you would."

I could feel his heart beating out of his chest, his eyes went wide but faintest hint of a smile appeared on his deliciously soft lips.

"well then what are we waiting for" he said as he grabbed my hand and practically pulled me out of the office.

We wasted no time getting back to his apartment. Reid was always such a cautious driver, but this time he was driving like his life depended on it. Once in the building, he wouldn't let go of my hand and we were practically sprinting towards his door. He fumbled with the key for a moment before the door sprang open and I pushed him inside with the force of my lips on his. His hands had become quite comfortable exploring my body, and tonight was no exception. I tugged on his tie without breaking the kiss and he let out a heavy sigh as I led him towards his bedroom. I pushed him once again, this time down onto the bed, and I practically jumped on top of him to straddle his waist. As I let my weight rest on the growing bulge in his pants, he let out the sexiest groan and I could feel the wetness pooling in my panties. I continued to grind on him as we completely devoured each other. This wasn't the first time we'd done this, but this time it was different, we both wanted more.

"Spence please," I whined, "I need you."

"You can have me baby," he replied, looking up at me with those puppy dog eyes that I adore so much.

We quickly undressed and I raced to climb back on top of him.

"You really are beautiful," he said while tucking a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. I smiled back at him and gently kissed his lips before going back to grinding over his now bare cock.

His groans were like music to my ears and I couldn't help but sighing at the feeling of him gliding across my exposed cunt.

"Baby please, I want to be inside you," he pleaded.

"Do you have a, uh, condom?" I asked, somewhat sheepishly.

"I do...that was actually the 'gift' that Morgan got me," he said followed by a nervous chuckle. He reached into the drawer on the bedside table and, slightly trembling, opened the package.

"I-I just want you to know that I haven't done this in a while, (Y/N)," he began, "I don't know if I'll be any good." He was just as nervous as I was. I gave him a sympathetic nod before replying.

"It's okay Spence, it's been a while for me too. I guess you could say we get pretty caught up in our work."

"Agreed," he said, slightly more at ease.

As soon as he finished up rolling on the condom, I wasted no time lining him up with my entrance and sinking onto his length.

"Fuck, baby" he moaned with his eyes screwed shut "you feel so good." It was insanely hot to hear such foul language come out of Spencer Reid's mouth.

"You want me to ride you baby?" I asked teasingly.

"Yes please..."

I began to bounce rapidly on his dick, feeling every inch of him come in and out of me. I had a feeling he wasn't going to last long, but I didn't care, I was beyond happy to just watch the pleasure that I was bringing him. I took his hands and placed them on my breasts, which caused a simultaneous moan to come from the both of us.

"God (Y/N) you're going to make me cum" he said, nearly out of breath.

I knew he was close, but I was slowing down as my legs began to give out on me. He sensed the slowing of my pace, so he took one hand from my breast, wrapped it around my waist, and began to pump into me from below.

“Consider this your punishment babygirl”

This new angle was heaven to me and I couldn't help but cry out. He was fucking me so hard I swear I could see stars.

"Oh god Spence," I moaned. For someone who has been out of the game for a while, he was making me feel so good.

"I'm gonna...I'm..." he muttered.

"Let it out Spence, cum for me baby."

And with that, he spilled his load inside the condom. He just kept coming and coming inside of me until there was nothing left. Spencer Reid was utterly and completely spent.

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“Well Dr. Reid, you sure know how to please a woman,” you said poking him in the rib.

“What can I say, I’m an overachiever,” he replied with a cocky smile plastered on his face.

As I was about to go in for a kiss on his cheek, my cellphone rang, and it was a call from Penelope.

“Hello my pretty! Sorry in advance that I’m probably interrupting your sexy times with boy-wonder but I just couldn’t wait to tell you. You got the job!”

“Oh my goodness! That’s great news, thanks Penn! What department am I in?”

“You’re going to be working in the international intelligence department, aaaaand that means you’ll probably have to report your little romance directly to human resources.”

“Sounds good Garcia, we’ll take care of that first thing in the morning,” Reid interjected.

“Ah, so boy-wonder is there with you! Looks like you took my advice after all (Y/N),” Penelope replied.

I rolled my eyes and said “Goodnight Penelopeeee” in a sing-songy voice.

“Goodnight you two, be safe and don’t stay up tooooo late.”

“Aww, what ever happened to the fun Penelope Garcia?”

“She’s not here right now but leave a message, bye!” And with that our conversation was over.

“Guess it’s time to tell the rest of the team about us”

“I guess so Spence, good luck handling all the teasing on your own baby,” I said with a giggle and planted a kiss on his cheek before drifting off to sleep. Tomorrow was surely going to be an interesting day at the office.

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AN: Thanks for all the love, shameless plug for my newest oneshot The Visit

Taglist: @alondralolll@irehluvr@abbeyskeff@kaldurahms-lover@mischiefmanaged21@cheerful-clarinet@julesasf69@its-like-twilight@spearbsm@xxrookexx@oliveoilthoughts@twilightlover2007@comboboo@breadrobin@sunflowers-420@the-holy-trinity-l@frickyea-guacamole19@ayatos-wife@ghostheartbeat@famfan-1034@ivyproblems@lavenderrway@rogerismyqueen@talkintrashcann@chatxconverse@phoenix1388@dumbredpotato@ourprisma@autisticallyreid@curvingdoll@strwbymoon@tomorrowxforever@alexabsinthe@myliteralhyperfixations19@cloudy-em@prentisszlover@cami-is-reading@ichundjulia@rubywritesblog@blameitonthenight21@xsophx27-blog@mariezanny@gubes-sweaters@ohmoaohbaby@lockwoods-coat-and-reids-vests@secludedstarlight@clockgirl94@theonewhereifangirl@nervousmoongiver@tearsofsound@suburban-forest@unkn0wnnerd@creativeuser101@bigassnocash@chasedbyunclewalt@abbyandersonssecretgfsecretgf@iheartlilia@cryingabta@justsomeimbicel@ssaspencerreidswife@likeawinebottle@imanewsoul@singinghamtaro-blog@lovingperfectionsblog@deafeningmiraclecherryblossom@secretlovezz@inlovewithemilyprentiss@jenthebin@walmartclearance89@theseverefangirl@tulips-ean@gummybear123@myravenchaser@tpickett@librarymousesqueak@pocketful-of-sunflowers@climbingivy97@ghost-wonder@sparrow-winchester@thbckgrnd@mswgtsd@kirmaaa@taliegator@jinecie@unlikelypaintertreeknight@notagirlfangirl@sarahsmiles-user@luvehotch@cosmoscoffeee@ara-a-bird@lesbiansayaishii@itsmeelena@just-a-lil-xtra@willowtree42095@the-way-of-the-hall@theedwardscissorhandslover@thosewhocantdo-teach@slay-and-gay@luvurmind@witchyval@fandom-alley@wifeyreid@samandhislostshoe@whoamiomakeachange@xcastawayherosx@danis-stuff-is-here@love4lando

[batfambyval]

okay. So.

Serious Red Robin theory coming.

Tim wasn’t put in the Lazarus Pit. But. That doesn’t mean they didn’t use it on him. The pit’s healing properties have been shown to work in small portions. Like, the healing is proportional to the amount of lw used.

The cave with the pit isn’t exactly a sterile environment. So either the pit was needed or it was an attempt to put Tim off balance, a psychological weapon. Though the White Ghost’s reaction to the assumption seems to dispute that. If the pit’s healing is proportional to the amount used it makes sense that the psychological effects are to, along with the duration of those side effects.

Ra’s had serious reasons to use the pit on Tim, between the additional room for emotional manipulation and Tim’s life threatening injury which wasn’t immediately treated and was in fact exacerbated like, a lot… yeah. Tim lost a lot of blood. He lost was stabbed in the organ that filters blood: meaning all your blood passes through your spleen. He was bleeding out, he should have died, he dragged himself and another person to a car, drove said car back to the city, and got them both up to the penthouse. Recovering from that would take a long time, he shouldn’t have survived at all. But he healed quickly and well, it isn’t an issue, it happened and it was over. I know we as a fandom like to have fun with Tim’s missing spleen and what that means but… canon didn’t and looking back I feel like there was a lot pointing at the pit being used in a much more insidious was, not just in the logistics of Tim’s recovery.

Ra’s was insanely trusting of Tim. Not just in his ability to do what he wanted but in his belief that Tim would ultimately come around to his way of thinking. Now, I can obviously see that Tim was in a very vulnerable position and if Bruce hadn’t actually been alive Ra’s could definitely have succeeded. But it feels like more than that, especially with Tim’s ensuing behavior. A lot of his time with the league is glossed over or seen from Tam’s perspective, but Tim was acting different. It’s easy to attribute this to the objectively terrible situation and the year he’s had, but his behavior isn’t the same as it was at the beginning of the run either. And the difference in behavior fades. As Red Robin Tim is more ruthless and pragmatic, mostly due to necessity. Even stealing from a museum and fighting for it makes him incredibly uncomfortable. He still did it. But he was still acting like Tim, making jokes and doing his best to diffuse the situation and keep everyone alive. After the surgery his focus gets even more single minded. He barely puts up a fight about leading the league. Of course partly for Tam, and he tried to keep killing to a minimum but cmon. He was leading the league of ASSASSINS. There were assassinations happening. People died when he blew all the league bases and he barely registered that beyond thinking that the council of spiders probably made it out, implying part of him knew death was a possibility and he didn’t care. But he didn’t think about the moral implications of that in a way that was very reminiscent of Jason’s selective morality. If he had stopped to think about it he wouldn’t have done it, but he was focused to much on beating Ra’s, on not compromising, that the complexity of the situation didn’t sink in. The obvious effects of his actions, the possible deaths and injuries of anyone inside a league stronghold wasn’t acknowledged while the underlying message sent to his opponent was the only thing he could think about. Just like when Jason attacked Tim at Titans Tower to send a message to Bruce despite his hardline stance against hurting kids.

So. The League did use the pit on Tim, just a little. Maybe two tablespoons in the wound to accelerate recovery and weaken his morals a bit. It would certainly make a lot of sense. And the writer did change when Tim came back to Gotham so it’s entirely possible that it was meant to be touched on later but was discarded.

[wordsinhaled]

hi there! I started following you after seeing your essay-long answers to DBD things in tags, and it made me very happy to see someone as deeply analytical as me about this show.

I wanted to ask you: if you were given the final say, how would you want the show to confirm both Charles' bisexuality and his romantic feelings towards Edwin (as both can be done at different points)?

Personally, I can't get the idea out of my head that it will be done with some kind of tragic goodbye, somehow Charles and Edwin have to separate, and Charles either verbally confirms it or kisses Edwin goodbye. Not saying that's what I want, but it's what I expect the writers to do.

Hope you're having a good day.

btw, would love to hear you talk more about timerogue (Fifteen/Rogue), I need more essay-long analysis about those two.

Hi there! <3 I am so happy you have enjoyed my tag rambles! And thank you so much for asking this great question, I had a lot of fun thinking through it!

I have many thoughts on this! Sticking them under a cut eventually because it is a long post!

Re: Charles' bisexuality: So the thing is I think that the DBDA universe generally seems to eschew labels in favor of showing rather than telling the audience what the characters' identities are. For example Jenny is interested in dating women, which is clear from her dialogue, and she goes on a date with Maxine, but she's never labeled anything. Edwin is never labeled anything by anyone in the narrative, either, but the narrative shows us that his only love interests and his desires and romantic feelings are for other boys. I would argue that we have been shown textually that Charles is bi, already, the same way the show shows-not-tells us other things. Charles by the end of the first season feels bi enough to me in a way that just feels like someone... living a bi life, and not yet realizing they might in fact be in love back with their best friend. I don't know how else to put it but I hope that makes sense. (My alternate, slightly sappier version of canon is that Charles fell for Edwin the first night, but has shoved it down for the duration of their friendship, but the former feels more likely as the direction I think we see on screen.) We are being told Charles is bi:

In the way Charles himself draws parallels between why he likes Crystal (his romantic love interest) and Edwin, pointing out they share the exact same traits

In the way he gives Crystal and Edwin the same genre of deep, loving gaze

In the way he thinks Crystal is fit, and he checks Edwin out, on multiple occasions, but only flirts with Edwin overtly in episode 8 ("My smile is pretty convincing," plus more than the usual amount of physical touch/proximity and less plausible deniability) once he can be assured by Edwin's recent confession that doing so will not be poorly received

In the different kinds of softness and masculinity he displays around both Crystal and Edwin

In the way that, despite not knowing the ending, he draws a parallel between himself and Edwin & a pair of lovers from classical mythology as though it is the most natural thing in the world to bring up the story of Orpheus & Eurydice, making overt the romantic potential of his relationship with Edwin

In the way he is so quick to write off that the two jocks were "just best mates" the way a person does when they are recognizing their own queerness in themselves and have to keep themselves safe from it, because of the environment that they are in (Charles being the Sports Lad, needing to fit in with other sports lads, and needing to avoid the censure/violence of his father)

And coming off the above, in the way that Charles navigates along the toughness-sensitivity spectrum within the social constructs of being "the brawn"

In the entire sparring scene in episode 1, tbh. The rituals are very intricate /drops mic

I understand the importance that's been placed by fandom spaces on "confirmed canon" queerness that is spelled out in so many words, given a label that can be pointed to to say "This character is definitely this!" but I think (and this is just my personal opinion) it can be reductive sometimes, and I don't really want Charles to label himself in that kind of way, just as much as I don't think the other characters needed the labels to "confirm" the queerness of their relationships or indeed of the show; having him be the one to do it for being bi would set him apart. I also think taking into account the time period that he grew up in, Charles would care more about living by the truth of how he feels and how he can use those feelings to connect with the one he loves, than what to call it. I just don't think we're gonna get like a "Hello my name is Charles Rowland and I am a verified bisexual"-type scene in season 2, and I think that's okay, and I don't really think that's the way for the show to 'confirm' it. Mind you I would love to see Charles talk about how it makes him feel to realize his feelings, and how his feelings for Edwin are different compared to how other people make him feel, because god, I love Charles so much and I just know such a scene would both destroy and heal me. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS, CHARLES <3

I think it says something really important that many, many, many people took one look at Charles Rowland and said: "Oh, he's bi." Not like... he has bi energy, or could plausibly be bi, or whatever; for so many people he just resonated as being bi, in a very organic way. (I know there are people who do read Charles as being straight/having rejected Edwin in s1, and I respect that, but they probably will not like my ideas about Charles very much, then, tbh.)

For what it's worth, though, Jayden's acting choices playing Charles, and the way Jayden (and George) have addressed the 'straight best friend Charles' line of questioning during interviews, both make it seem to me that Jayden is intentionally playing Charles as bi and we are already supposed to understand this for what it is, based on Charles' actions—just as we understand similar things about other characters inner worlds we are shown. Whether Charles is consciously aware of it yet is more the up-for-debate part to me, personally. It's like he is dancing right on the edge of the revelation, or something, but his actions (and his EYES) are speaking for him pretty loudly already.

As for how he confirms it more obviously? Hmm. Well, I'll admit i think a kiss between them would be lovely, if only because I think it would quite possibly be the Most Kiss a kiss could be, with all of Charles' tenderness and adoration for Edwin poured into it. I also think it would be in-character, given Charles canonically misses kissing, and wants to do it with people he's interested in romantically (see Crystal).

Charles struggles with being able to admit romantic feelings out loud because he is scared of his own capacity to hurt Edwin; after all the only example of "romantic" love he has seen was his parents' marriage. Charles is a person who acts first, thinks later, but in this process of understanding what he feels for Edwin he's taking his time and being the opposite of impulsive. This shows how important his relationship to Edwin is to him and his commitment to Getting It Right. Even with that deliberateness, though, I think it would still be easier for him to express himself through a tangible action like a kiss than through words—at least at first.

It reminds me of this scene from the first draft of Maurice between Maurice and Alec. Alec is struggling to verbalize his feelings for Maurice, although he does know he feels them. He can say other things, but naming love for what it is is the challenge; and in the end they use a shared memory of a time Alec showed his love through actions (running through the rosebushes just to see Maurice's face) to communicate and mutually understand their love for each other. Similarly, Charles finds it difficult to admit a deep romantic love aloud, but his actions speak louder, in his determination to retrieve Edwin from hell ("There's no one else—no one else—I would go to hell for") and he can allude to the romantic implications of the act, by referencing the Orpheus & Eurydice myth. It similarly becomes, I may not be able to say the words, but you and I both know the lengths i would go to for you.

Maurice : "I love you, sir be damned." Alec: "Maurice"—never before had the word been spoken—"you're an angel." Maurice: "I don't want to hear that." Alec: "Maurice, Maurice" his voice failed also; he had once said the rest to a woman. "Maurice - what you've said I feel. Understand?" M: "I think so, but I want to be sure. Remember those rose bushes in the other rain? - Look at me hard - That's right. That'll do. It's settled."

As far as the catalyst for Charles revealing his feelings... a tragic goodbye—gosh, as heartbreakingly compelling as I know seeing George and Jayden act that out would be (I know they would crush it), I really hope the writers don't do that to them! The thing about Payneland that is so refreshing to me is how they manage to subvert trope expectations and break out of the tragic narratives they are placed in, and I think they would ultimately defy any attempt at separation. As Edwin says, "I will make sure that doesn't happen," about them ever being split up. I am rooting for a happily ever after for them, because they have both been through enough, and have fought tooth and nail to stay together.

Steve Yockey has mentioned potentially having Desire of the Endless cameo on the show and I also think having them and Charles interact would be a fascinating way to bring to light some of the deep-rooted stuff Charles struggles with around love (and would nicely parallel Edwin's experience with the Cat King which catalyzed his Charles-feelings realization). I also like the idea of the team maybe meeting a couple during a case who parallel Edwin and Charles and are romantically involved. Seeing that would allow Charles to externalize the way he feels for Edwin by seeing it reflected back to him by other people; sometimes things are easier to pick up on in others than in ourselves. I think that would be a fun way to get him to see what's been there under the surface for some time :)

Oh my god this got so long asfhlgkjhg SORRY

(I'm sure the Doccy Who fixation will come back in time for the Christmas special! :D)

[catchyhuh]

brother. sister. sibling. random thought for your hyper specific headcanon deprived brain. does the gang do those lowkey boring newspapers games like crosswords, sudoku, spot the difference and the like?

you don’t know how delighted i was about this because Yeah. They do :)

but let’s get into hyper specific headcanon details here

YAAAY BORING NEWSPAPER GAMES

lupin:

i think i’ve talked about how lupin loves little puzzles and stuff and i think he honestly can get into all of the above

HE JUST REALLY LIKES LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT IN ALL KINDS numbers words shapes he’s FINE he’ll mess with ‘em ALL to his heart’s content!!

that said he’ll start them and never finish them and the others hate it. what’s the fun of a half-done game dude

jigen:

AS WE SAW ABOVE jigen actually really likes this kinda shit. it’s peaceful without being understimulated and outright boring, and he can somewhat tune out distracting noise while he’s doing them

he is all about crosswords in particular dude he loves that shit

probably does them in the car during long boring rides and every time lupin’s like “doesn’t reading in the car make you sick” he's like “oh 14 across. nauseous. thanks man”

fujiko:

it's not that she thinks she's ABOVE it but she’s not suuuper into it. usually she just checks to see if there’s anything interesting in the BULK of the paper. she checks garfield first, goes “oh good it’s still unfunny” and then go “OH DAMN MAJOR FIRE OUTBREAK YESTERDAY MORNI

that said if she’s bored on a flight or something and it's the only thing to do she’ll cave easy peasy

she’s probably the best at sudoku out of the bulk of them just because she can kinda turn off her inner monologue for a minute and just. close her eyes and surprise it’s done! 

goemon:

initially didn’t care and now only cares in very specific bursts. like he’ll go a year without touching one and then pick one up by accident and lock in

he doesn’t budge the entire duration it takes for him to finish the puzzle

like they if they catch even a whiff of “damn he’s really feelin that newspaper today” they just throw it away and say oh nothing important! nothing important was there. we have to leave in 15 minutes goemon

zenigata:

WORDSEARCHES. I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I’M FEELIN WORDSEARCHES

he probably had one of those little road trip books they made. yknow like at gas stations and stuff I DUNNO IF THEY STILL MAKE THEM BUT Y’KNOW but then he was like this is all fucking lame and easy. who cares that much about autumn items

so he doesn’t INDULGE a lot but sometimes he’ll have a lil fun with it. usually when it’s boring and slow on the office side of things. i keep forgetting that’s like. actually part of his job and not just the screaming out the side of a cop car portion

[sugarcult]

Liam, I wrote up this big, long letter for you, and it seemed like nothing came out right or like it just didn't sound how I wanted it to. So I guess I'll just do my best.

Years ago, I remember other fans being obsessed with Diana when it came out, and how many fans said that One Direction had saved them. I didn't think I could relate because I wasn't actively suicidal or self-harming at that time, and I guess I thought all that was a little overdramatic. But in the last two weeks, I've been thinking it over, and I really think 1D not only changed my life but saved it too.

When I first started being a fan of the band, it was 2012, and I had no idea how hard my life was about to become. I guess you probably felt like that too, in retrospect - when you auditioned for X Factor, and you were put in a band by surprise, and you strapped in for this wild ride you couldn't have anticipated, with the highs and the lows that came with it. I remember feeling so much joy listening to 1D, watching silly videos, meeting new people, writing and reading fanfiction. I invested so much of my time into 1D during the active years of the band, at first because I wanted to and it was fun, but now that I'm older and I have some perspective, it wasn't really that simple.

I had a really hard home life in those years. I was in high school, and I didn't have supportive parents. I remember at many points feeling like nobody understood me - not my friends, not my family, or anyone at school - except, in some weird way, One Direction and their fans did. You guys created an atmosphere that was so uplifting and supportive, that prioritized things like mental health and social justice, having a laugh and still being kind. These are all things I really needed in my life.

I didn't make a friend in the fandom until about 2016, so for the entire duration of 1D being active, I was doing my solo thing. I had other people I kind of interacted with during that time, but not any real friends I stayed in touch with. My entire high school career was me being a 1D fan basically alone, and I think I forget that sometimes because I have a lot of 1D friends now. But at my most vulnerable, and in my most formative years, the only thing I really had was One Direction. And I have been thinking a lot about how much of that fun, welcoming, supportive environment was exactly those things because of you. I felt so much support just being in the proximity of the fanbase and the band. I had something to live for, even when my home life was terrible, when my friends abandoned me, when my grades started slipping. I didn't have much sense of identity or self-awareness at all at the time, so it didn't occur to me until recently how much harder and more emotionally volatile those years would have been for me without One Direction. And when I finally did start processing all the hard stuff I had gone through a couple years later, my friends in the fandom were there for me in a way most people couldn't be. I'll be forever grateful to them, and to all of you.

I always felt like you saw me, and like you got me, and like we had the same priorities and values about how people should be treated. I guess that's because you had been bullied yourself and knew what it felt like to be treated unkindly. It really hurts me to know just how much unkindness you continued to receive all the way to the end. I think people saw your joy at the success of your loved ones and your continued pride in the band as somehow disingenuous, but I know it wasn't, because I see so much of myself in you.

I hope you know how many people truly loved and admired you, and how much good you put out into the world, and that the bad that each of us has done does not negate that. Without you, I wouldn't have lived this long. It sounds dramatic, but now that I'm on the other side of the hardest years of my life, I know I couldn't have made it through without you and your influence. You have been and still are a light to people on every continent, people you've never met, who have never been in the same stadium as you. Actually, in ways you don't know and in ways that can't be quantified, you have changed the lives of so many people indirectly. You changed my brother's life, for one, by helping me become someone who could be resilient and strong for him when he needed it. You changed my dad's life by making me someone who can teach others compassion. You've made my son's life possible, by helping me be strong enough to be here so he could even be born. And for every fan you've had like me, you've touched the lives of countless other people indirectly in the same way. The good you have done may be hard to see sometimes through all the noise, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I hope you knew that in those final days, and I hope you know it now, wherever you are.

I've found it really striking, how many of the people who knew you feel the need to say they hope you're finally at peace now. I wish that didn't say so much about how hard things were for you the last several years. I wish I could have been more vocal and let you know how much change you had made in my life and how much I love you. I wish I could have been more supportive than just a person you might see through pixels on a screen, although I know you had many loved ones who supported you in life too. The grief we are all feeling for you feels some days like it has stopped the world.

It's been a while since I've truly lost someone, and I think the last few years have made the impact of loss hit a lot harder than it used to. I understand now why people turn to religion in times like these. It's for hope.

A lot of other people have said it, but I hope in my heart that it's true:

You will find me

In places that we've never been

For reasons we don't understand

Walking in the wind

You shined so bright, and you still do. But I would have loved you even if you hadn't.

[sluttywonwoo]

Congrats on 12k! :D

May I request “i’m not wearing any underwear. thought you’d like to know.” & changkyun? Thinking of reader in a miniskirt too but whatever you feel like writing is best ^^

you hadn’t wanted to leave the house. your boyfriend did. so you’re out at this stupid carnival with his friends because you couldn’t convince him to stay in with you.

it was rare for changkyun to want to go out, and you would usually jump at the opportunity to drag him somewhere, but you had been feeling needy all day and you wanted to spend the rest of the night in bed with him.

“come on, we never see soonyoung these days. he’s been asking to hang out with me and the guys for weeks now. i can’t keep blowing him off.”

“fine, you go, then,” you huffed, flopping back onto the pillows.

changkyun made a face. to be fair, he didn’t know why you wanted to stay home because you hadn’t told him. and you’re usually the more adventurous one out of the two of you which likely made your reaction all the more confusing to him.

“no, he wants us both there. why’re you being such a brat right now?”

you mumbled something under your breath that he didn’t quite catch but he didn’t bother asking you to repeat it because he was already annoyed.

begrudgingly, you got up and changed into something nice (choosing to forgo anything underneath your skirt as a little surprise for later). changkyun kept his work clothes on and threw a leather jacket over his shoulders in case it got cold and then you were out the door.

he hadn’t told you where you were meeting everyone so when he turned into the parking lot for a fucking pop-up carnival you were beside yourself.

“did hoshi pick the place?” you mumbled.

“yeah, why?”

“no reason.”

you really should have asked where you were going or at least thought your outfit through a little better because now you’re on the swing boat ride with your pussy out. thankfully, your skirt is long enough to cover everything so there’s no risk of sitting cunt-to-seat with nothing in between, but you do have to make an effort not to flash anyone by keeping your legs pressed together for the entire duration of the ride.

you would’ve just sat out and watched the boys ride the rides all night but you love roller coasters and you didn’t want to be the lame girlfriend by not participating.

you would also never pass up the opportunity to hear your boyfriend scream like he is now. he’s holding on to your arm for dear life, shouting expletives at the top of his lungs as the pirate ship swings back and forth and you laugh maniacally.

he’s a little wobbly by the time it’s over and still has to cling on to you as you make your way out of the gated area. soonyoung’s already talking about what to ride next, dragging hyungwon by the arm in the direction of whatever it is. you and changkyun trail behind the rest of them as your boyfriend regains his balance.

“having fun?” he asks with a kiss to your cheek. his bad mood seems to have disappeared along with his ability to stand upright.

you nod. “mhm.”

“aren’t you glad we came?”

“eh, kind of.”

“what? what do you mean ‘kind of’?” he presses.

“i just… had other stuff in mind,” you sigh, avoiding his gaze.

“other stuff? that we’d do at home?” you nod again and then the lightbulb goes off. “oh, that kind of other stuff?”

“yeah.”

“well, we can still do that later tonight, baby,” he whispers.

“but i had already been so horny all day,” you mutter back.

“then you should have told me! i could’ve ate you out before we left or something.”

“you would’ve made me wait,” you argue. “you’re mean like that.”

changkyun smirks. “maybe you’re right. it’s what you deserve anyway for acting like such a brat.”

“i was only acting like a brat because i wanted your dick so bad.”

“stop, you’re going to make me hard,” he whines in your ear.

“that’s all it takes?” you scoff.

“it’s you!”

“maybe we should sneak off to the bathroom real quick?” you suggest, wiggling your eyebrows.

but to your dismay, changkyun shakes his head. “no, they’d definitely notice. we’re here to hang out with soonyoung, remember? we’ll just stay a little longer. i promise.”

you catch up with the rest of the group a few moments later, effectively ending the conversation. you didn’t have anything else to say to changkyun anyway and you can tell he’s a little worried about it. he thinks you’re pissed but really, you’re plotting.

you eventually pull him to the side after giving him the almost-silent treatment throughout the next two rides. he raises his eyebrows expectantly, looking relieved that you’re finally going to talk to him. instead of saying anything though, you grab his wrist and yank his hand under your skirt, pressing his palm against you.

“i’m not wearing any underwear. thought you’d like to know.”

changkyun’s mouth falls open. “this whole time…?”

“wanted it to be a surprise. i was waiting for the right moment to tell you.”

he seems to remember where you are and jerks his hand back to his side.

“and that’s now?”

“uh-huh.”

“fuck.” he sighs and puts his hands on his hips, looking back at his friends who are gathered by the funnel cake stand. then, decisively he says, “i’ll say goodbye to them, you go ahead. i’ll meet you in the car.”

12k celebration

[badaziraphaletakes]

In which some poor innocent unsuspecting reader submitted an ask and I respond by throwing an entire textbook at them

Like seriously i won’t even be upset if no one reads this PhD dissertation, like actually what is wrong with me omg

The ask:

I want to start by saying I love this account and really appreciate the rebuttals I see here to some of the messed up stuff the fandom’s spit out over the past few years. That being said, the most recent post about “the creepiest take you’ve ever seen,” was one I disagreed with strongly. It’s entirely normal to enjoy watching media where characters have breakdowns. It is not a desire to see a person breakdown. It is a desire to watch a good story.

(Edit: Just realized I somehow omitted to include the full text of the ask here. I apologize for the error! Will fix it soon. -Mod X)

My response:

Hi and thank you for your kind words! (Also idk why there is this huge gap in the text here, sorry haha!) If it were a necessary part of the story, or a part of the story that made sense, I would agree. But it’s not necessary (esp not at this point in the story) and therefore wouldn’t be “good”, if we are defining good art as being emotional truthful, which I imagine is a pretty uncontroversial definition.

Side note: We already saw him have this exact shattering breakdown in Uz. So that renders most of what I am about to say (and arguably some of what you have said) somewhat moot. But I’m going to continue anyway because some of the points brought up here touch on issues that I think bear re-visiting often.

It’s cathartic, it’s engaging, and it helps people who’ve been through the same thing see themselves reflected. For example, I like watching someone on tv hit rock bottom with their addiction because I’ve been through that, and seeing them finally realize they have to work on recovery and actually do it is motivating and empowering.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. I haven’t (although I am estranged from an entire side of my family due to alcoholism and meth addiction, which is a whole fun thing), so I can’t comment on this too much.

But addiction is not the same as an ab*sive relationship. (I do have knowledge of those, both from life experience and from my previous job in ab*se research. I edited a newsletter about family violence research for several years.) Seeing a person suffering from addiction realize they want to work on recovery, and realize that the substance they are addicted to is messing up their life, can make sense. Especially if they're in a place where they're able to work on it and have the opportunity to try to change.

But seeing an ab*se survivor “realize they need to get away from their ab*ser because they’re evil and have a breakdown about it” doesn’t make sense, because being trapped in an absive situation is not about “motivation” or what they think about the abser or even, really, about "empowerment". (Side note that word is thrown a lot to delude women into thinking our capitalist system is working for us rather than oppressing us. But I digress.) It boils down to the fact that they are in danger if they leave. The situation is not within their control.

(This next part is not directed at you, but at the general readership, in case this is helpful discussion for anyone: A lot of addictions aren’t within people's control at all either. It depends very much on the drug we’re talking about, the health of the individual, the quantity and duration of the addiction, whether the person has access to the healthcare they need to be cured, and whether there’s a way for them to get free from the broader societal dysfunctions that led to them being trapped in this situation in the first place.)

Also, with addiction, people can absolutely get past that without losing their sense of self and their identity. If they go through that kind of crisis in the process of healing from addiction, I would argue that something is very wrong. (Not with them, but with the society around them). In a best-case scenario, a person suffering from addiction would have access to the kind of mental and physical healthcare and support system that lets you get free from that without a shattering breakdown or loss of sense of self.

Besides, not everyone who has an addiction has toxic beliefs about themselves or their own identity or other people, etc etc. (Babies who are born addicted come to mind, if we want to talk about the most extreme example.) So I find the idea that addiction is down to toxic beliefs about one's self very suspect. I would argue that 95% of the time, addiction happens because your life sucks. The mental health community is starting to have this conversation about depression and anxiety - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to work on one's "limiting beliefs" and "destructive thought patterns" can only do so much to help you feel better when your whole life is shit anyway. And it can actually make it WORSE if the victim is made to believe that their depression is the fault of their "Faulty thoughts" rather than a reasonable reaction to a shitty situation. Not necessarily saying we should throw CBT out the window altogether, but I am saying that mental healthcare will be a LOT more effective when it learns to truly take the broader societal context into account. I suspect, I hope, we'll soon be having a simialr conversation around addiction.)

And that’s doubly the case for ab*se survivors. They’re not stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with them that they need to fix. They’re stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with the ab*ser.

Regardless of the victim’s personal worth as an individual, regardless of whether they’re a good person or what-have-you, they don’t deserve to be ab*sed.

(I'm just waiting to hear about how some therapist tells a victim to work on their "limiting belief" that they need to stay with their ab*ser in order not to be killed, and/or tells them that fearing their ab*ser will kill them is a "cognitive distortion", and tells them to stand up to their ab*ser and/or leave, and then the ab*ser kills them. But I digress.)

And the loss of self when separating from a toxic system that’s defined your whole life is a real thing some people go through. It’s not bad consider that Aziraphale could also go through that, or to want to see that experience reflected.

I want to be very clear that I don’t have the smallest objection to people wanting to see that in a show. But a. that’s not what the person was saying, and b. they were also saying it’s necessary. IT��S NOT. I can’t emphasize this enough.

Loss of self is the worst-case scenario for how something like that goes. Nothing good comes from that. That is a side effect of ab*se (because the ab*ser’s the one who says that “Everything you are is bound up in me and you’re nothing with me"), not an integral part of the process of getting away.

Trauma is not necessary for character growth.

The way these things should go is that the person is able to gradually and mindfully work through the beliefs that are poisoning them with the help of a therapist, trusted friends, etc.

I know what I’m talking about. I worked in trauma research for over seven years. Please trust me on this one.

And again, Aziraphale can’t “separate” from them anyway. There’s nowhere he can go where they won’t find him. So his beliefs are irrelevant to his situation. And if the show implies that his beliefs “need to change” as part of the earth being set free from heaven-hell’s tyranny, or that he “needs to change” in order to be free, I will be writing a strongly-worded letter to the creators.

But more importantly, *they didn’t just say giddy.* They also said apprehensive. Perhaps they’re apprehensive because they know it could be painful to watch. Or because they don’t want to see it handled poorly.

“Giddily apprehensive” sounds an awful lot like “excited” to me. I admit it is ambiguous, though, so I’ll give you that one. I maintain that the OP expressed themselves with an exceptional lack of grace, however. And fwiw, they’d be FAR from the first person to want to see Aziraphale suffer because they are mad at him. I think I have good reason to believe that's what they're getting at here, given how many people in the poster's orbit say the same kinds of things and how many other things I've seen the OP say that are along those lines. I acknowledge I should have made that clearer in my original post.

They aren’t giving this advice (if one could call it that) to a human. They’re saying they’re excited to see a character breakdown. Character arcs like that are common and enticing for good reason.

I have yet to see a reason why I should believe that the things people say about Aziraphale are different than the things they say about people in real life.

I would point you to a couple lines down where you say yourself that we respond to characters the same way we respond to real people.

Personal growth ≠ character growth.

But what makes a good character is that they act like real people.

As an audience, character growth (even negative) is engaging.

Yes, absolutely. But we can absolutely do character growth in a way that does not spread harmful mindsets or misinformation about what ab*se and recovery from ab*se looks like. In fact, I would argue that character growth can’t happen if the writer doesn’t write the characters to behave in a way that is realistic to real life.

Characters follow the same rules, though. We respond to characters the same way we respond to real people. The same general rules of personal development and so forth apply.

The idea that “Aziraphale realizes his ab*sers are terrible” is something he needs to do for his “personal development” is highly objectionable. He doesn’t need to grow in this area. He just needs his ab*sers to leave him alone. Side note: We should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he already does think they’re terrible and only stays with them because he is terrified. Even if this hadn’t been strongly and frequently hinted at in every episode going all the way back to S1E1 - almost every scene, in fact - we should still give him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, even if we say, for the sake of argument, that Aziraphale was a terrible, awful, horrible person - I know you’re not saying that, to be clear - even then, he still wouldn’t “need to realize his ab*sers are terrible” or “have a complete breakdown” or “lose himself” in order to grow. That's not how growth works. The best growth happens when people are at peace and safe and loved. Not frightened and confused and alone. He never chose them in the first place, he never wanted to be on their side. If he were left alone, he would just spend the rest of eternity reading his books and eating Eccles cakes and snuggling with his former-demon. That’s who he really is. There’s nothing about him as a person that needs to change. I agree a story where a person loses their sense of self after escaping from an ab*sive system would be interesting to watch, but I maintain that it does not make sense for the context of this particular story. And, such a story would NEED to make clear that the person wasn’t bad or wrong for deriving some part of their sense of self from the ab*ser and that they shouldn’t have had to have a catastrophic breakdown in order to develop their own sense of self. No one should have to go through that.

It’s not the same thing as asking for personal growth from a real human being.

Good characters do not operate according to different emotional and psychological rules than we do, though. If they didn't, we wouldn’t have millions of people sobbing about how real Aziraphale and Crowley feel to them. We would be the biggest dodos in the world if we were reacting this way to paper dolls 😄

Comparing the desire to see a character go through a dramatic storyline like that (and to come out of it strong and shining) to fundamentalist rhetoric is… just total bullshit.

You said this blog has been a good place for you and I want it to continue to be that way for you. So I want to give you a chance to revisit this part and see if you can say something more constructive. Because I've gotta admit, this really made me upset and I can't let it go without saying something. It’s not cool to call someone’s commentary “bullsh*t” like this.

I heard the line “we must die to ourselves” many, many times from the high-control religion of my childhood. It is a classic cult line. Hence why so many cults have "burial and rebirth" rituals, make people change their names, etc.

I am not just making up a comparison. This is a real phenomenon. Controlling ab*sers are the ones who’ve given us this idea that “death of the self” is character growth. It’s not. Character growth happens in spite of those excruciating emotional crises, not because of them.

Growing as a person is supposed to feel good overall. Not always easy, but on the whole, it should be a positive experience.

Also - Again, they said he “needs” to do it.

And they didn’t say anything about Aziraphale “coming out strong and shining”. You added that in. I think it's wonderful that you want to see that for him (so do I) but that’s not what this person was saying

If they'd said that, I wouldn't object to it at all. But they didn't. That part was left out. Which I think may be very telling in itself.

There are a myriad of reasons someone could have that desire, including having gone through something similar themselves.

Having gone through something similar doesn’t necessarily mean it makes sense for another character. It also doesn’t mean it’s necessary. And having been through something that went a certain way does NOT mean that it happening that way makes sense for someone else.

Deconstruction from a religious upbringing is different from leaving an ab*sive relationship

Aziraphale doesn’t have religious trauma. (I’m not going to talk much about religious trauma and deconstruction here, because it’s outside the scope of this blog, largely because - as attested by no less an authority than Neil Himself - Good Omens is not about religion. But I’ll say a little bit.)

Heaven and hell are not a “religion” in his world - they’re real. His fear of hell (and of heaven) is absolutely, one hundred percent, completely legitimate and appropriate, and NOT something he should be “reasoned” out of. Saying otherwise gives “your ab*ser isn’t actually that evil and scary”. But regardless, in either scenario, that kind of traumatic personal crisis is not a necessary part of the healing process. My heart aches for all the people whose deconstruction process was emotionally shattering. But what makes it ache even more is how for so many of them, the takeaway is somehow that that kind of crisis is necessary - rather than "dear god, i hope no one else ever has to go through that kind of hideous experience to get away from their shitty religion", which surely is what the takeaway should be (assuming there even is a lesson to be learned at all from an experience like that, which is doubtful) - and they go on to demand it of other survivors and gatekeep against people who haven't gone through the exact same thing they did in the process of getting away.

How, HOW did we get to a point where so many people’s deconstruction is a fucked-up, scarring experience that we think it’s inevitable for deconstruction to be that way????? I grieve.

I know the idea of killing one’s old self is inherently wrong to many people.

It’s not about whether it’s *wrong*. If that's valid for someone and they get where they need to be - you do you. It’s about the fact that it’s painful and it’s unnecessary to the process of growth.

Furthermore, it is the kind of thing ab*sers WANT to see happen to their victims when they leave. They want victims to think that they have to have that kind of crisis if they want to leave them. Because then they’re less likely to leave. When we encourage that kind of thinking, we are playing directly into their hands.

What should happen is that the victim should be given the opportunity to realize that all along there was much more to them than their ab*ser.

I don’t personally desire to watch Aziraphale do that, especially because there are so many wonderful aspects of the Angel he’s been since the beginning

Agreed.

But fwiw, this is giving a faint whiff of perfect victim syndrome. Even if he were an asshole, he still deserves to just have his ab*sers leave him alone, not to have some kind of shattering, soul-crushing emotional breakdown. They will always, always be worse than him.

but it’s not wrong to want to see that. People do go through it, and their stories are incredibly compelling.

I don’t disagree. For me it’s rather about the place this is coming from. OP was saying it’s necessary. There’s a difference between wanting to see a show address this issue overall because it’s interesting, and demanding that a specific character go through it because you think it’s necessary, or that their process of leaving and healing won't be legitimate (or whatever word we wanna use) if it doesn't happen.

And, as you said, it doesn’t make sense for Aziraphale. If the character is an asshole, I’d be able to see it a little more (although again, I still very much question the entire idea in the first place) But he's not an asshole. I find anyone’s thinking it “makes sense” for him to be highly questionable.

I know Aziraphale is much more than a character to many people

Speaking as a (very, very, very slightly, lol) professional writer and actor - every character should be “more than a character”, if they’re well-written. They should feel real if the writer and/or actor has done their job well. I like NG's line that "If you write someone who is utterly and completely themselves, you get people coming up to you and going 'Oh my God, you wrote my life!'

a desire to watch him go through a psychological breakdown is not some poorly concealed desire to watch real people go through that.

It may or may not be. I agree that it isn't always.

In this person’s case, though, I very much did get concerning vibes. Poorly concealed. (As an ab*se survivor, you start to know the vibe of victim-blamers after awhile.)

Regardless, though, the way we respond to characters is the way we respond to people in real life. Story is a primary vehicle through which people learn how to interact with one another and their environment. If it wasn’t, discussing media along these lines would be pointless, and I'd just spend all my time talking about how good David Tennant looks in those tight pants 😁 Or, probably, I would take up a different hobby altogether.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time starting this blog if the things people say about this story and especially about Aziraphale didn’t have real-world applications (not to mention making a lot of ab*se survivors feel very unsafe in the fandom - before we turned off anonymous asks, I got an average of two messages a day from ab*se survivors and other oppressed people telling them how this blog has made them feel so much safer in the fandom) - and if their views about the characters didn’t mirror the kinds of things they’d say about people in real life. (All the anti-Aziraphale autiphobic takes come to mind.) I flatter myself I have enough judgment that those takes wouldn't have troubled me so deeply if they weren't reflective of real-world societal problems and indicative of problematic attitudes in the people who write them.

In this case, the wording is identical to the kinds of problematic things people say about real-life victims/survivors. Yes, the person may not actually consciously want (or want at all) to see real-life ab*se victims/survivors suffer. But I absolutely, one hundred per cent guarantee you that anyone saying this has some major problematic biases/assumptions that are contributing to how ab*se survivors are maligned, degraded, and oppressed in our society. (I never want to see Disabled people suffer, but if I say ableist things, I’m contributing to it whether I mean to or not. I may not want to see women suffer, I am a woman, well more or less anyway lol, and I've identified as a feminist my entire adult life, but nevertheless there have certainly been times in the past when I've said sexist things. It's something all of us will always have to be vigilant against in ourselves. I suspect at this point I'm preaching to the choir, because you do not strike me at all as a bigoted or ignorant person, but I figured I'd re-iterate all that again anyway, because screaming it through a megaphone as often as possible is what this blog is for lol. :)

And what’s worse, they are spreading that rhetoric. I’ll be damned if I’ll let it go by without saying something.

Hope this makes sense and cleared some things up.

With love and respect,

Mod X.

[stickers-on-a-laptop]

good news she apparently told him so we'll all (me and our parents) take her back to the airport phew

my sister is trying to kill me because she's not mentioning to my dad she's coming in for a few days which means i can't mention it and i'm just like GAH anyways at least my sister and i really DON'T talk much about like important things so hopefully i can do it when i see him sunday -_-

[halcyon-hyacinth]

Lycoris Recoil: A Gripping Gun Girl Anime Full of Heart

INTRO

I first watched Lycoris Recoil in 2023, a year after it originally aired. 

I couldn’t get past the first episode. I don’t remember why exactly, but thinking about it now I probably wasn’t in the right headspace for it. It’s not like the show is super intense, but I just couldn’t get into it. The cheery nature of one of the protagonists, Chisato, made me think it’d be a bit too fluffy and moe for my taste. (Of course, I later found that I was dead wrong, on both counts). 

I tried again in mid 2024 and binged it over the course of a few days. I was HOOKED. Yuri pilled, you could say. Lycoris Recoil is a well-written and fun show as a whole, but the compelling character dynamics—specifically between Chisato and Takina is what made me fall in love with the story. 

THE STORY

Lycoris Recoil follows a group called Lycoris, who are orphaned teenage girls tasked by the Japanese government to uphold public safety… with guns and bullets. Within the first few minutes of the first episode, you see a montage of these highly trained assassins disguised in high school uniforms covertly taking out potential domestic terrorist threats.

It fucking rocks. 

We are first introduced to Takina Inoue, who is on a mission to recover a batch of stolen illegal weaponry. One of her fellow Lycoris is taken hostage by the villains, and rather than wait for backup or follow orders from HQ, she elects to pick up a machine gun and take them all out. 

Thankfully, the Lycoris taken hostage is unhurt. But that doesn’t stop Takina from being reprimanded by her peers and the higher ups. She’s docked and reassigned to LycoReco Cafe with the top Lycoris as her new partner—Chisato Nishikigi. 

THE CHARACTERS

Takina starts out from a point of wanting to get back to HQ at any cost. She is fully invested in the mission of the Lycoris, and doesn’t have a sense of purpose outside of it. It’s not until she meets Chisato that she’s confronted with the possibility of her life meaning more than that. Chisato challenges her sense of self and encourages her to connect with others. As her first real friend, Chisato shows Takina how to have fun, and they grow closer over the duration of the show. 

Without spoiling too much about Chisato’s backstory and her major personal conflict that takes over the latter half of the show, what I can say is that there’s more to her than meets the eye. She initially comes off as a positivity-oriented, unserious person who wants to enjoy herself first and foremost. But there’s a reason she substitutes real bullets for rubber ones. She deeply values the lives of others, and refuses to kill even though her profession demands otherwise. 

Over the course of the show, Chisato helps Takina open up to the world. Takina, a normally serious and stoic person, begins to smile and laugh more often. She no longer simply humors Chisato’s antics, she delights in them. However their relationship isn’t entirely one-sided—Takina is also Chisato’s first friend. Her newfound presence in Chisato’s life washes away the feelings of loneliness Chisato has suffered from her entire life due to her status as Lycoris’ prodigy. She has also struggled to form meaningful connections with those her own age due to her bluntness and steadfast adherence to her ideals, which clash with those of the top brass. 

THE PLOT

In the first five episodes, we are introduced to the world and its players. The supporting cast is absolutely incredible. They have unique personalities and their own goals within the scope of the story. I really don’t want to spoil the plot and what happens, but I will say that episode five’s major reveal regarding Chisato’s backstory turns everything on its head and raises the stakes in a really exciting way—even if you don’t see the full picture yet. 

Chisato will be forced to reckon with her ideology on a personal and professional level. She clashes with Takina and Mika (her mentor and father) about her life choices. She clashes against Majima, who seeks to expose the truth of the Lycoris to the world. Meanwhile, Takina will be forced to choose between returning to Lycoris HQ or Chisato.

There’s cool gun fights, and a pretty awesome final battle. There’s a slowburn strangers to friends to lovers arc that’s pretty much all but confirmed between Chisato and Takina. Chisato also has two divorced dads whose complicated relationship causes the central conflict in the show. If you’re looking for a fun yuri anime, that's an action-packed romp with emotionally compelling themes and characters, this show is for you. 

CONCLUSION

“There are things you can gain after losing something.”

This direct quote from the show applies to both Chisato and Takina, and what they eventually become to one another. The season finale is satisfying on a character and story level, but open to further exploration (which is great, because more content is on the way!) I won’t say more than that simply because I think the show is in its best form when experienced blind. I hope you’ll give it a chance (or even a second chance) like I did. It’s well worth the experience. 

[yuurei20]

Malleus Info Compilation part 5: Malleus and Lilia (1/2)

Lilia calls himself as Malleus’ guardian and may have been present at his hatching. ("Saying I've known him since he was a child doesn't quite encapsulate the duration of our acquaintance.")

When Rook comments that “It must be hard to tend to a dragon of such wild and noble temperament” Lilia says, “When he was an infant, he would sometimes emit puffs of flam when he fussed. He even singed my bangs once. Khee hee…that takes me back...I was most impressed that he managed to harm me, even if it was only my hair”, so he may have been at his side for Malleus' entire life.

Lilia will share stories from Malleus’ childhood. He says, “I still remember the days when Malleus wept because he couldn’t dress himself”. After he tells a story about trick-or-treating, Malleus says “I did not know you did that”, and Lilia offers to create the experience.

Malleus responds with “I’m not a child anymore”, to which Lilia says, “There’s no age limit on having fun”. Sebek offers to assist and Malleus turns him down as well, leading Lilia to comment, “Your insistence on being seen as a grown-up seems pretty childish to me, Malleus”.

Malleus being displeased at Lilia’s treating him like a child is something of a theme, such as when Lilia offers to fix his hat during Halloween. Malleus says that Lilia would tell him about Halloween traditions in other countries in lieu of bedtime stories, “way back when”.

Also during Halloween we learn of a promise that Malleus made to Lilia when he was young, that he would always call on Lilia, Silver and Sebek when he was distraught as, “We may not be related by blood, but we ARE family”.

We learn that there was a Halloween ten years prior where Lilia says he “simply got in touch with my inner child and let loose a little”, but Malleus says “just remembering it sends a shiver down my spine…he wriggled like some sort of venomous snake, and his laugh rung hollow...I felt I might be cursed just listening to it.”

When Cater tries to empathize with “When Lilia starts getting screamy in Pop Music Club practice, it can get a little scary”, Malleus, Silver and Sebek insist, “The True Lilia is far worse than that!!!”.

During a discussion with Silver about about the fairies who raised a child for 16 years without magic, Malleus says that Lilia once told him, "Raising children is a nightmare even WITH magic." Silver reacts with, "O-oh...He really said that?!"

[winterwump]

Hi may i request gun smut? Maybe the scenario can be like, both of us are Yakuzas and we are in Japan, we hate each other sm however we end up on the same bed 🫦 love your writing <3

Tension - Gun x F!Reader

Author’s Notes: Thanks so much for requesting this Anon. I played it kind of fast and loose with smut. It’s definitely still smutty tho so don’t worry lol. This is a long one too so have fun with that. Sorry it took forever and a goddamned day to get this out, I swear that life hates me lol😝

Content Tags: Teasing, Fingering, and Enemies into Lovers (if you squint)

Word Count: 1.7k

It was the night before the month-long Yakuza summit, and you were beyond miserable. But you didn't start off like that by any means. You were excited about the summit, you got more money, the food was free and endless, and you weren’t expected to talk to anyone aside from the foot soldiers. It's not that you were underpaid, malnourished, or a complete introvert. You just like that the summit made everything easier for everyone regardless of rank, and you happened to be ranked rather high. And even with your ranking, your job had been simplified to ‘Stand still and look menacing. Wait for a fight’. And that was fine by you.

It was until you were informed by the Big Boss himself that there was a change in plans and that you were to closely accompany his son to the provided room and board…and stay with him for the duration of the summit. Now that wouldn’t be a huge problem in itself if the Boss’ son wasn’t well…himself. It’s not that you disliked Gun. Okay, that was a lie, you really couldn’t stand him in all honesty. He was a standoff-ish, money-hungry, sadistic pervert as far as you were concerned, and you spared no expense in telling about himself. But orders are orders, and you were pretty sure that Gun was also miserable with his placement as well.

It felt like you were on autopilot all day on the way to the summit location. The travel for the two of you went smoothly enough, but that was only because you two had an unspoken mutual agreement to not talk the entire way there. Which was mostly adhered to, except for when Gun got a call from Goo - his “friend who isn’t his friend but they do friend things” :

“Heyyy how’s the summit?!” - Rang Goo’s voice as soon as Gun picked up.

“I told you it’s not happening until tomorrow. Do you have a listening problem?” - Gun pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Oh yeaaa…whatever!! So is Y/N really your chaperone for the summit?!” - You tried not to roll your eyes at Goo’s attempt at whispering your name despite being on speaker.

“I’m hanging up now.” - Gun’s voice was heavy with exasperation.

“No wait!! Is she? cuz that’s fucking hilar-” and Gun ended the call with a huff.

And that was that. It was nightfall by the time you two actually made it to the room, and you were beyond ready to sleep. As per your job, you went in first to inspect the room and you weren’t surprised by the luxurious state of it, but you were surprised (if not struck with a wave of annoyance) by the single king-sized bed smack dab in the middle of the room. Your mouth hung open in a comical display of disbelief, but that was cut short by Gun all but pushing you out of the doorway to get in. Ugh…

“Close the door. And don’t give me any shit about the room tonight.” - Came Gun’s voice as he made his way to the dresser, setting his bag down. Of course, it was a designer brand…

“You think I like this setup either?!” - You ask with some bite to your voice as you slammed the door closed. Your annoyance was starting to rear its head.

With his belongings settled, Gun made himself busy with a new cigarette. You could’ve sworn it was his 10th one today…

“Ughh will you put that out? You can smoke in the morning. You need to be well-rested for the summit!” - You say, sauntering towards him with your hand held out. Your motion was something akin to what a teacher does when a student is chewing gum in class. The look he gave you in response said it all…

Yeaaaa that didn’t work out, and one verbal altercation later, the room reeks of ‘high-quality’ cigarettes. You decided to yield and let him smoke himself to sleep because you knew that you’d go to jail if he caught an attitude with you again. You knew that feeling went both ways at least.

Both of you were stalling. You both busied yourself with baths (separately) and once that was over, Gun busied himself with a nighttime skin routine that you didn’t know he had. And you busied yourself with checking all of your weaponry. Both doing everything but getting in that bed. But fuck, both of you were tired.

To your surprise, Gun caved first and got in the bed. Well, it wouldn’t be caving if he did it without acknowledging the awkwardness in the air? Either way, you’re no bitch, you’re not gonna let him just have the bed to himself. So in your spite-fueled pep talk, you plop yourself down on the opposite side of the bed.

“You stay on your side, and I stay on mine. Got it?!” - You said with a venom-laced huff. God, the bed felt like heaven.

Gun let out a pained groan - “Jesus, you got it. Would you ease up though? I’m not going to touch you.”

“You wouldn’t dare, you know better than that.” - Your tone was playful, but still had a spiteful edge.

“I should be saying that to you don’t you think? You can touch me. Wouldn’t want to lose your job, now wouldn’t yo-“

His words were cut off by the swift motion of you pinning him down onto the bed's plush surface. It was not the first time you had him pinned, but doing it sparsely dressed was a first. You wouldn’t let that detail sink, because even though the room was dark, you could tell he had a shit-eating grin.

“I hit a nerve. Cute. Now get off me before we do something we’ll regret” - The grin was still there.

“Something we’ll regret? You wanted something to happen didn’t you?!” - You half-whispered. 

“Something like that…”

You had Gun’s lower half trapped between your legs, and your ass rested against his pelvis. Of course, something was bound to happen. So you decided to let it happen. What could go wrong? You leaned down face to face with Gun, grinding yourself down on him:

“Let’s rack up some regrets then” 

That was all Gun needed to hear because before you could really register what was happening, it was you who was pinned to the mattress. You couldn’t help but let out a gasp when you felt his tongue travel up the side of your neck. Just his breathing alone was getting you wet and tingly. The heat was already beginning to be too much.

“Already wet for me?” - Such an obvious question, but it was one meant to get you even more flustered. 

Deciding that you wouldn’t let him get the best of you, for now at least, you responded with a kiss. A fervent and passionate kiss. One that you hoped would shut Gun up, but you were wrong:

“I’ll take that as a yes” - He said in between kisses.

Despite Gun’s few words, they were getting you wetter and wetter. You didn’t respond verbally - but Gun knew how much he was affecting you, and he felt it too. The grinding of bodies would soon not be enough for either of you so you weren't too surprised when Gun hoisted both your legs up in a hurried manner, taking your panties off along with that motion.

The room was so dark that parts of Gun’s face were obscured, but you wanted him to look at you, so badly. It was killing you not knowing what his expression was, so when he leaned down to whisper in your ear:

“I’m about to get you off.” - You knew what that meant. How could you not?

A grin was plastered on your face as he brought his hand between your legs, you hoped that the teasing wouldn't go for too long, you were too wound up. But you couldn’t help but feel that his teasing was not without reason, but all you could do is trust that he knew how much you wanted to let go of the tension that was coiled so tightly inside of you

After properly getting his fingers lubricated from your generous flow of liquids, Gun slides two fingers inside of you. The intrusion was a welcome one and thus didn’t cause any pain, it instead left you with waves of pleasure as he began massaging your inner walls at a languid pace. You could feel your breath quickening and your heart beginning to race. You wanted Gun. For the first time, you felt like you could actually tolerate - no, like him. But that could just be your pussy talking. You wouldn’t know…

His fingers began moving at a faster pace inside of you the feeling left you spasming inside and out. With every one of his movements, the pressure kept building, and Gun was taking far too much pleasure in your unravelling. You bit your lower lip and let your head hang down as you focused on the feeling. You started moaning a little and, unable to control yourself, you let out a soft whimper. He was definitely playing with you right now - he was always playing with you and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it.

You began moaning louder and louder. Your body began to shake as your hips rocked and a rush of wetness began to soak the sheets below you, as well as Gun’s hand and forearm. You never knew you could squirt, but here you are. He was manipulating your pleasure and, for once, you didn’t mind at all.

“Ah!” - You felt your body explode and, within a few seconds, you were coming hard. As your orgasm took over, you let out a rather loud sobbing breath. Your body was still shaking and you found yourself not caring if Gun, or anyone for that matter, heard cry out in ecstasy. But when your orgasm finally lulled and your head stopped swimming, you heard yourself whine at the newfound emptiness you were feeling.

Gun had taken his fingers out, and you were crushed. But seemed as if he was elated if not extremely amused by the show you put on for him. In an attempt to soothe your growing concern, Gun simply encapsulated you in his arms. You never thought you would be in this position, but damn did it feel nice.

“We got the rest of the month to keep racking up regrets, Y/N” - He whispered - “Next time it won’t be my fingers”.

Hope y’all enjoyed this one. BYE!!!

[cilogram]

Sparks Japan Tour 2023 Recap

(silly personal edition; unfortunately the only kind I'm capable of)

Saturday July 22nd, Tokyo

(Duo Music Exchange)

This is the standing venue I've mentioned before as being crazy for having massive pillars in line of sight of the stage. It was a sold out show, so unfortunately some people had to be back there...

I was unbelievably lucky with my ticket numbers and my friend and I got to stand in the front row, keyboard siiiiiide. I don't think I can express how happy I was to be there. The show was phenomenal and being in the front able to jump around and dance and experience the music Up Close was just... something else.

I really enjoyed the film score soundtrack to our waiting time before Sparks came on, too. So atmospheric.

Obligatory pre-show keyboard photo number one:

Over the loudspeakers before the band came on, the venue announced that photos and videos wouldn't be allowed during the performance, and there was a hilarious, audible reaction from the crowd as ~600 people quietly reacted like, 'whaaat?!'

(I see there were some rule-breakers in the house, though, so there are some clips and pictures on instagram and elsewhere for those who want to see!)

The stage was really shallow with the band set up and Russell could barely fit behind the keyboard to reach that side, but it was so nice that he made the effort to come and sing to those people up close, and somehow without knocking Ron over.

Also we definitely witnessed the escalator dance!

And oh man, Russell did so many dramatic leaps into the air, it was (as they say) rad.

Out of all the songs we heard that night, I think it brought me the most joy to hear Angst, and The Toughest Girl In Town. I love Interior Design and it's the album I usually put on when I'm coming home from the city at night, so hearing a song from it IN that city at night was just the best. But every song was done incredibly. Particularly Beaver O'Lindy which of course I'd never heard live before (I am sadly not a 21x21 veteran)!

And I love when a song ends and Ron does some little pose when he lifts his hands off the keyboard :')

The crowd was absolutely on fire, in SUCH good spirits! Everyone I saw was just smiling through every moment, or singing along looking elated to be there and lost in the music.

And as I'm sure we've all seen by now, encore Ron wore an Air Jordan hoodie with JAPAN written on it. Extremely appreciated.

Oh, and retrospectively I think I have to conclude that the Shopping Mall Of Love 'yeah's from this night included the hottest 'yeah' of the three tour dates. I don't make the rules, I merely observe them.

This show was everything I could have hoped for and more.

(To my friend I went with: if you're reading this, ugh, what a cherished memory it is to have seen them front row together ;_;)

Monday July 24th, Osaka

(Namba Hatch)

I went up very high to take this photo and the venue is sadly not in it, but please look at Osaka anyway just for some ~mood context~.

(And yes, person trying to see if you could peel one of the Sparks posters off the wall of the venue to take home, I saw you and I support you and I'm sorry you didn't manage to succeed!)

By the way, this venue has an impressive plethora of escalators...

Obligatory pre-show keyboard photo number 2:

You can tell how early I was by the unoccupied seats.

This was my first seated show but 99% of people were on their feet from the moment the band came on and for the entire duration of the show. Absolutely became a standing gig... I was so relieved!

I brought a non-Sparks-fan to this show and it couldn't have been a better introduction. It was just so incredibly well performed and so fun, we had such a great time.

Russell's voice was possibly somehow even better than on Saturday; I don't know, but especially his high notes had so much POWER and he looked super happy with the performances after each song :D

And omdhfhdgdg there was just so much energy from the crowd.

Being a much bigger venue than Saturday, the applause and cheering was incredible :') The audience participation in general was just brilliant!

I really like a lot of the live arrangements of the songs, too, they're so much more powerful than usual. I know with some other bands, live shows are a muddier, albeit wilder but much less listenable rendition of the album tracks, but Sparks really elevate their songs when done live.

Russell also used a few words of the local Osaka dialect when talking to the crowd which was very cute and got big cheers.

The previous venue was too small for the lighting setup I've seen in other 2023 tour photos, so this night was when we finally got to see that in action. As is Sparks' way, it was really well thought-out, so I'm very glad I got to see this more visually dramatic version of the set. I especially loved the rainbow lighting and French flag lighting moments.

This was also our first time hearing A Love Story in Japan. So fun live!

Encore Ron came out wearing a pair of novelty Osaka dialect sunglasses (which he had to lift up to see the keyboard settings 'cause they were obviously too dark, and the crowd giggled at that and so did Ron, it was... fucking cuuute.

Of course there was also a brief glimpse of no-glasses Ron when he swapped them for his normal pair later. Those of you who know me will observe my restraint in the mentioning of this)

When they were saying their final goodbyes to us, someone at the front handed Russell an art piece they'd made (it looked like a standee of him and Ron) and he did a little pose like 'I will cherish this' and then put it on the keyboard, and Ron picked it up and did a little pose with it like 'ooooh'

So cute. So lovely.

Such a stellar show! I wish I could thank everyone else in the crowd for making it so special. I'd never seen so many hands in the air.

Tuesday July 25th, Tokyo

(Line Cube)

(The second brand-related renaming of Shibuya Public Hall has given it the above amusing name. It used to be called CC Lemon Hall and I don't know which is funnier)

It's really nice inside, very modern and spacious and the seats were SO comfortable,

but this time EVERYONE immediately stood up. I didn't detect an ass in a seat for the whole show. It was beautiful. Wonderful. Unbelievably good!

(Unrelated, but in front of me was a maybe-11-year-old boy in subtle russell cosplay; wearing an exact replica of his 'having fun around Japan' outfit from the documentary (complete with the right length of trousers and legit marimekko bag in red))

Obligatory pre-show keyboard photo number 3:

Just before the 2nd or 3rd song there were some technical difficulties, during which Russell tried stalling but then obviously didn't want to stall alone for the whole time and forcibly handed Ron the mic

and Ron said,

"... the voltage in Amurica is 120, and in Japan it's 100... so sometimes things like this happen. We apologize. ^w^"

(yes he did make the face of this emoji)

(and yes I did... phonetically spell out the way Ron says America because it's just... so endearing)

The rest of the show went smoothly though! It was so, so

so

so good.

I could get into some of the moments in the songs that really move me, but I am easily embarrassed.

Okay, I will try (look, I am being so brave)

-When I'm With You: there's a beautifully-held note or two or three in this song that I'm sure all Sparks fans die at when hearing it live. That, and the 'I almost feel normal' line, really get to me.

-It Doesn't Have To Be That Way: I think we all know how rare it is for Sparks to make a song specifically in order to express a message, and I'm really glad they doubled down on that and did this one live. It hurts but it's also so simply triumphant. I love how Russell almost laughs on certain lines because it really is both absurd and exactly what artists have to deal with.

-Number One Song In Heaven. This is just one of the first Sparks songs I ever heard and it blew me into another dimension. It's ominous, it's ethereal, it's weird and perfect, and it's incredible to hear live every single time.

At the end of the show, Russell said how sad it was for them to be ending the tour

but how happy they were to have the last one be here ;__; 'we genuinely really love your country'

Awww Russell ;_;

I left the show so much better off than when I came in, by which I just mean there's something about seeing a band that means so much to you, where it just turns up the metaphorical dial on the enrichment of your life. Thank you Sparks and thank you other Sparks enjoyers!

Well, that was my rambling show report complete with absolutely none of the information anyone usually wants to hear about a gig.

I'd like to thank @adreamofroses for finding me and saying hi, and I'm sorry we didn't get to talk much!

I'll leave you all with a photo of the official merch I got, including some by the art team Tectecs whose adorable art was irresistible. They've got a gallery show going on with all their Sparks work at the moment, too.

and one last photo because I saw my bag looking like this when I stopped to do something, and laughed:

[northwest-cryptid]

I feel like the horror craze has sort of made a lot of people not understand that the point of watching/engaging with horror is to be afraid. Yea sure big scary monster is cool and stuff but the point is to be scared, which is why I like some horror more than others.

Cheap thrills like jumpscares are fine but short, all the tension and fear I want comes from the build up and like many say, that's just kind of cheap. It's fine but it's sorta like a fun sized candy bar, I'm not really enjoying the candy, I'm enjoying the idea of the candy; once I actually eat the candy it's quick and done and over and then I just kinda wish there was more candy.

I really love the whole concept of like, cosmic horror, suspense, long form drawn out anticipation but where the horror is there throughout and it's not just constant build up to the big scary reveal. The reveal doesn't necessarily need to be what's actually scary.

Let me use food metaphor again, if I'm like "oh hey this new Korean BBQ place opened, wanna go hit that place up and see if it's good?" You can use context clues and previous experience to know sort of what you're in for, and that's good because it means your brain is able to sorta think up what they might have available; you already anticipate what you want to order that's all good. Then when we actually sit down and look at the menu there might be stuff on there that you didn't anticipate, but most of the stuff you did is also there. So now you feel rewarded for putting thought into it, but the real interest you're going through is looking over the things that you didn't already anticipate. Once they actually bring out the food if it's really poor quality and doesn't do anything new, you're left thinking "man I wish we went to that OTHER Korean BBQ place it's way better." If they do too much new then you're left thinking "is this even still Korean BBQ? I mean sure it has some of the menu items but I've never been to a K-BBQ place where they have to golf your food onto your plate through a bunch of flaming rings, really cool they can do that but not really what I'm here for." However, if they do something unique with it while still having really good food you're left feeling like you got exactly what you came for, and that's good!

Notice how throughout the entire experience conceptualized here, there as constant good experience? It wasn't like you're driving home from work and see me on the side of the street holding a bag and I just chuck Korean BBQ through your window while screaming really loudly.

For me, good horror has set up and pay off that lasts the entire duration of the experience. It doesn't matter if it's slow to get to the monster or whatever, because I know going into it that I'm in for horror. I expect everything to sort of make sense and be important later. The first half of Alien is really slow but it's all set up and it's all perfectly fine. I actually really enjoy spending so much time with the crew and the ship in a more laid back peaceful setting because it means when they're running through the ship later on I sort of have some level of familiarity with it.

By extension a great horror game in my opinion is something like Outlast. I've gone on record saying that I never really feel scared of "monsters" when they're just people. Outlast is basically that, they're just insane people. Now the whole "is it really morally okay to depict insane people as horror" discussion aside, I really enjoy Outlast because it plays into one of my biggest fears which is generally that I was taught my whole life that you never take the Flight option when it comes to Fight or Flight. I grew up in a house where I was taught to fight from a very young age, everything from self defense to totally useless combat training I'll (hopefully) never have to actually use; because as many know I was raised in a cult who thought the whole world was out to get us lol. Regardless, I hate the feeling of being chased because it goes against everything I was conditioned for. Outlast gives me no way to fight back, and unlike some other games that do the chase horror really well, Outlast doesn't give me any reprieve from it, at least not noticeably. So I feel this constant sense of being hunted, or at least searched for. It makes me careful to open doors, scan my surroundings, and actually memorize the routes I've taken. It makes me think about where I could jump over something or which route has the most doors I can slam shut on someone. It even made me consider where I could make noise to lure people away from where I wanted to go.

My biggest issue with Outlast 2 is that it had more specific routes to take than Outlast 1. Almost every chase sequence, with few exceptions; was pretty straight forward. It felt like I was following a big neon sign that said "Climb this, run down there; hide under this!" Rather than crawling through an insane asylum entirely out of my element. Though I do enjoy it regardless.

I think Outlast vs Outlast Trials is a great example of what I mean when I say the horror craze has become more focused on "horror is fun and cool" instead of "horror is SCARY"

First off, I'm with my friends, second off; I have things I can throw at these guys, lastly they give me almost free reign of the entire location to jump over things hide where I want, and even sound traps to lure people away. Which becomes a lot less frightening when I know if I get grabbed my friends are right there to kick the fucker off me and help me up. Does this mean it's a bad game? Do I dislike Outlast Trials? Absolutely not! It's a great game, I love it! It's like GTFO but Outlast! However it's VERY hard for me to call it a Horror game. I seldom get to experience real horror anymore, primarily because I both enjoy it and don't enjoy it; so I tend to avoid shit that actually scares me too much; but also because when something does scare me it's usual for anyone in my friend group to distance me from it or ask if I'd rather not engage with it. It's not that I don't appreciate that, but it's hard to explain in that moment that "no this is what horror is supposed to be in my opinion."

[artemis-entreri]

[[ Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves Review (Spoiler-Free)

I was fortunate enough to attend an early showing of the new D&D movie on March 19, 2023 for Amazon Prime members. As a huge aficionado of the official D&D setting, the Forgotten Realms, I was nervous going in, especially given the history of D&D movies. The movie’s trailer was spectacular, but there was the very real fear that the trailer showed all the best parts of the movie and didn’t leave much for the rest of it. It also didn’t help that the tie-in novels, The Druid’s Call and The Road to Neverwinter, were pretty subpar, which was super disappointing both given that the latter was penned by an author who’d written decent Forgotten Realms novels in the past and that these were the only FR non-Drizzt novels we got since WotC discontinued the novel line. The folks responsible for the high quality of the Forgotten Realms Wiki were very concerned, as was I, for a feature film that might besmirch our beloved world.

We needn’t have worried, as Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves is, in a word, spectacular. It’s so engaging that it holds the attention of the single digit aged theatre attendees enraptured for the entire duration. Its funny moments had the whole theatre laughing. Its sentimental moments moistens the eyes of the most hard-hearted viewers. It brings classical D&D monsters brilliantly to life with the best of modern technology, while putting its own spin on those familiar creatures in really clever ways. Even the most predictable plot point manages to be a tear-jerker, through the exceptional employment one of the most basic strategies of effective storytelling: showing instead of telling. But most of all, for me personally at least, Honor Among Thieves’ greatest success is the bringing home of the core tenet of D&D: the joy and love of a found family, regardless of different histories. 

Those not at all familiar with Forgotten Realms lore need not worry, as points of significance are explained without being artificial. There certainly are elements that the most dedicated loreheads can nitpick, however the movie is so stellar that I and many others find those elements more than acceptable. It is the case that the movie feels like a generic fantasy movie that borrows bits and pieces from the Realms rather than being a dedicated D&D/FR movie, but this is more than understandable in order to have a wider appeal. However, all of this is totally fine, because, as one of the head editors of the Forgotten Realms Wiki (BadCatMan) so aptly puts it:

I gotta say, I was the person most primed for disappointment in the whole wide world. I documented it for seven years, and the movie isn't even that old. I researched and reported on the production, I scoured social media and LinkedIn for clues, just to get articles developed in time. I promoted it, I put the wiki's reputation on it. And then I read the godsawful novelisation that made it indistinguishable from garbage. The other books sounded little better, compressing and dullifying our Realms. I wearied myself out writing wiki articles. I was sick with nervousness all day. 

But the books lied. The promotion lied. It is not some big flashy blow-shit-up Marvel-style movie with a lot of wisecracking and jokes at the expense of the material. It is a classic fantasy adventure movie that treats it all with respect, runs with it, and has a little fun with it. It's not quite the quintessential D&D movie, nor a perfect Forgotten Realms tale. There's still a bit too much Hollywood moviemaking in it. But it may be as close as a movie will come.

There are gaping plot and lore holes in it, and some things are never explained. But it wouldn't be Forgotten Realms without that last mystery, that one loose thread to tug on. [...] And while the books made travel times non-existent and the Realms seem more compressed than the average open-world computer game, the movie has plenty of travel scenes and grand landscapes. Faerûn is as big and beautiful as we always imagined.

I myself teared up at every sprawling scene of the landscape. It meant so much to see a world I love to the bones brought to life. Honor Among Thieves certainly didn’t need to, but it more than pays homage to the scenes of the world. From the depths of the Underdark to the sprawling icy wastes of Icewind Dale, the movie honors the world, lifts it up high, and shows everyone that sense of wonder long time Forgotten Realms fans know in their hearts. 

My only regret is that my theatre did not have the Themberchaud popcorn bucket for sale (photos courtesy of Sheepy, who washed it out and is using it as a dice holder, from Ed Greenwood’s own Forgotten Realms lore Discord server, Greenwood’s Grotto):

It is unknown whether this dragon head will be available in US theatres. It seems that USA AMCs are getting a D20 popcorn bucket instead:

(Image from above is from: https://www.tiktok.com/@amctheatres/video/7210819695308688686?_r=1&_t=8ak5XP7se8w)

This movie will definitely do well enough such that sequels and spin-offs would also be profitable. We can only hope that they do as good of a job as they did with this premier.

For a comprehensive coverage of the movie, check out the Forgotten Realms Wiki’s article on Honor Among Thieves. If you’re interested in a detailed lore breakdown, be sure to visit the Wiki again at a later time, as that’s currently being worked on! 

The aforementioned BadCatMan is working on a, “detailed breakdown, personal critique, metatextual metagame overanalysis of the movie, though it is spoiler-free and focused on the storyline rather than the lore, though I cover lore later. It's not finished yet though. ” Check that out here! ]]

[paint-lady]

6, 9, 11, 17 and 20 for Hazel? :3

6. what quality do they like the most about themselves?

Hazel loves that she is still basically alive. Being somewhere inbetween life and death as a Duskborn is beautiful and wonderful and terrifying all at once. And she wouldn't have it any other way.

9. who do they admire? why?

Shout out to Fina Motisi of Clan Ventrue for simultaneously being a great and terrible role model. I could give you paragraphs of how Hazel looks up to Fina, but in short: Hazel wants to be in charge and seen as competent- but not lose herself to cruelty and ruthlessness when in power. From an outside perspective though, Fina is just another 300 yr old trying her damn best and with a heart that keeps bleeding.

11. what does a usual outfit of theirs look like?

I think these pieces do a really great job showing off what she considers an everyday look.

17. when were they the most angry that they’ve ever been?

There are a few moments.

Tommy Baker used dominate to make a kindred take their third drink from her. Hazel is no stranger to the blood bond and its usefulness- and harm to the receiver. When two Tremere learned they were Duskborn, they had to get them on their side- fast. So a little vitae goes a long way. Originally, Hazel was planning on keeping this Tremere at two steps bound- letting him keep an ounce of freedom she believed he still deserved. But now she has the equivalent of a sorcerous kicked puppy in her haven begging for more thinned vitae.

Her ultimate ambition is to forge Thinblood Safehouses in cities. These safehouses will be places that Duskborn know they will be able to hunt and rest easy- and thats no easy feat surrounded by Camarilla, Sabbat, and Anarchs. It requires her fellow thinbloods to work with her- not cause a masquerade breach on purpose. Corina had lost her humanity and fear of Hazel and bit someone in broad daylight. It took months of resources and careful hiding to make up for what political ground she lost with a single bite. She caught the fledgling and it was a lot of willpower to not kill Corina right then (it would have ruined her personal masquerade of making the local Camarilla think she is a ghoul).

The moment she knew she had been betrayed by a fellow thinblood named Wei. He was working for the Second Inquisition, and one of the coterie had been discovered as a blank. In retaliation, Hazel and a different Tommy (different chronicles) tortured the location of the SI hideout out of one of Wei's fellow operatives, presumably killed him, and then burned the hideout to the ground.

20. describe one of your favourite rp moments with this character

I have wholeheartedly loved several scenes my friends and I have run together. It is extremely difficult to pick one, so here are my top three:

Hazel's first night. When my coworker and soon to be friend offered to be the Storyteller for a ttrpg I had never heard of, I was excited. We had crafted characters and then...dropped immediately in the horror of it all. Hazel woke up with three strangers and surrounded by exsanguinated corpses. The four fledglings had to piece together what had happened to them and what to do next- while some of them had powers manifesting in obvious ways and others were still basically human.

2. Ignite the Shadows: This entire plot has yet to fully resolve itself and actually has Hazel unconscious for most of the story's duration. The inciting moment was that Hazel had used alchemy that made her vitae flammable, and it went off in the middle of Elysium. The blast claimed the Prince, sending her into Torpor. What made this roleplay event so fun was watching the ripples cascade as each character found out what happened. Some mocked the Camarilla's weakness, some offered aid. Some immediately believed that Hazel had to have been sabbat all along, some argued against all evidence and defended the thinblood. You can read the initial comic here.

3. This one is a text based roleplay between me and one of my mutuals (now an irl friend <3). Hazel and Tommy Baker confide what ills they have both experienced at the hands of the Tremere. Tommy was nearly breaking down recalling the nights with his sister, Sam, but Hazel was right there to offer comfort. I cannot remember if this is the first scene where Hazel and Tommy declare themselves to be siblings, but it is the moment where I knew these two would be inseparable- no matter what the world threw at them.

[razorblade180]

Rwby V9 Ep4 Review

I’m getting more convinced Jaune is just in a ditch somewhere.

Probably the cutest image in this episode. Hard to put it into words but something about this volume feels shorter. Like I know there will be less episodes this volume but the duration of each episode is roughly the same, yet don’t have many things happening in them like before. I’d typically applaud a story taking its time but it feels a strange to me here.

Side note, I think it’s important for anyone creating anything to poke fun at themselves a little, however…😅

Pointing out characters you couldn’t juggle and setups that never came back around might be a little much when that’s an ongoing flaw your fans wish didn’t happen as often as it does.

The Herbalist has a 10/10 design. He and the Cat also asks the questions I care about the most. I really hope we get an episode where the team is forced to talk about how they aren’t the best at their job, and that’s putting it lightly.

I have thoughts and opinions on this…

Listen, I think it makes perfect sense for Blake to pass this test. I even think Yang’s response is great, though I did wish instead of it being a question of going back that it was more to deal with her attitude after moving forward.

Not the biggest fan of Weiss’s unfortunately. She had the coolest response for sure and the parts about her family made sense, but I feel like it’s a huge disservice for the show to brush over the complex emotions of her entire kingdom being gone. Weiss showed that she cared about and her original personal goal was to fix her family name. Even though her values and dreams have expanded since then, it feels weird to not see her process that two things that’s shaped a lot of her life and actions being reduced to nothing. There’s so many things she still unsure of when it comes to the state of her siblings and how she envisioned things going that hearing her speak with so much certainty feels odd to me.

Ruby was great😅

I wonder how this will fester for the rest of the volume