#we haven’t spoken in over a year. it’s been a year and a half since the breakup. why would i ever need proof? i don’t know

[aviangrian]

thank god chappell roan didn’t release good luck babe in summer 22!

[ihavebeesinmybrain]

trauma fucking sucks

[goldenxsunshine]

.

[themultifandomgal]

Hey I got a request for peaky blinders

So basically tommy is a single dad to a girl she is 2 years old and you got you was I’ll and tommy was in a meeting and you was bored she u walk. In and tommy yelled at you So you run off and started crying you find John and Arthur and told they what happened how u was I’ll and they find tommy to tell him he was a dick about yelling at you then he told u he was sorry

Hope that make sense x

Tommy Shelby- Just Want To Protect You

I hope this is what you wanted.

YN and Tommy haven’t been dating all that long, she knew he was a single dad and his daughter, Mary, came first no matter what. YN also knew that he was a dangerous man, but she didn’t care. To her Tommy was a caring man who loved his family (even if he didn’t show it), all he wanted to do was keep YN and his daughter safe.

Unfortunately Mary had been ill with a cold the last week so while Tommy was in meetings YN would take on the roll of looking after her, however today YN woke up feeling rough. She has a headache, stuffy nose and scratchy throat, but still being a mother figure to the young girl YN takes on the task of looking after her and and house while Tommy is in his office working.

“I want daddy”

“I know” YN replies bouncing the crying girl in her arms “but daddy is busy. Why don’t you take a nap. You might feel better and when you wake up, daddy might be finished”

“Ok” Mary sniffles snuggling into YN’s neck. YN takes Mary to her bedroom and puts her down. She stays with Mary until she’s asleep. Feeling rough herself she decides to go and have a nap herself, however due to her blocked nose and now cough, YN gives up after half an hour.

Making her way down stairs she decides to make herself and Tommy a cup of tea. Feeling bored YN knocks on Tommys office door before walking in

“Hi love, I made you a drink” YN says walking in placing the tea on his desk, Tommy just grunts in response “Mary is asleep, still has this awful cold. I said maybe once she wakes up you’d be finished with work”

“And why would you tell her that?” Tommy looks up to YN

“I just thought that you could have a break, you can sit in your chair and work all the time. Mary misses you”

“I can’t just stop working because Mary wants me to”

“I’m not saying that. You’ve been in here since 6 this morning. It’s now 1 and you’ve not had a break or anything to eat”

“I can’t”

“Fine. Guess I’ll be looking after your sick child all day again”

“I didn’t ask you to”

“Then who will? Your to busy with you fucking businesses to even notice that she’s been crying for you this morning”

“Don’t you swear at me!” Tommy yells standing up “Mary isn’t even your daughter so if she’s so much of a bother why don’t you just go!” Feeling taken back YN takes in what Tommy just said

“Fine” YN replies keeping her tears back.

Asking one of the maids to keep an eye on Mary, YN leaves the house and makes her way to the Garrison where she sees Arthur and John

“YN” John waves his brothers girlfriend over

“Hi” she sadly says

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s our brother done this time?” Arthur sighs

“It’s just that, I don’t feel well but ive been taking care of his daughter who’s also ill. When I told him to have a break from work he just blew up”

“Our brother is an idiot YN, I’ll speak with him” John replies

“No don’t. He will know I’ve spoken to you and he will probably have a fit. I’m gonna get a drink”

That evening YN sits her home with a book in her hands, when there is a knock at her door. Putting her book down she heads over feeling confused to who could be at her front door. Opening it up there is Tommy holding flowers in his hands

“I’m a dick I know. I’m sorry”

“You better come in” YN opens up her door wider so Tommy could enter “where’s Mary?”

“At home. Ada has her. I know I shouldn’t have shouted at you, your ill and been looking after my daughter. You didn’t have to but you did. I just get so scared when it comes to you and Mary. I just want to keep you safe and we have a problem with the business. I didn’t want you involved, I didn’t want to worry you”

“Tom, I’m your girlfriend. If we want this to work you can’t shut me out”

“I know I know. Arthur and John knocked some sense into me. Let me make it up to you. Let me cook supper for you. Treat you like a queen”

“I’d like that” YN smiles.

[disneyprincemuke]

is it killing you like it’s killing me?

alternatively: we haven’t spoken in almost a week (prev)

in which she and logan try to navigate the worst part about dating your literal coworker

(series masterlist)

logan sits in his seat, leaning forward to prop himself up on his elbow as he tries to type away on his phone in the least awkward way possible. he hears the heels clicking against the gravel first before he catches a whiff of a familiar floral scent.

he doesn't turn his head directly, just shifts his eyes to his side, watching his literal girlfriend walk right past him without even stopping by to greet him. he can almost make out the sound of her sweet voice amidst the noise around him, her shocking choice for a dark motif outfit contrasting against the pure white of the person next to her.

only then he realises that his girlfriend is quite literally walking around the paddocks with mercedes personnel. she engages in casual conversation with susie wolff every once in a while around the paddocks, but never has he seen her out and about with her. mick trails behind them, looking down at his phone as he matches their pace.

upon simply walking past the williams patio, mick looks up at the lack of the younger driver's acknowledgement of the guy in blue sitting very obviously in the white chair. mick cranes his neck back, shooting logan a questioning stare.

to which, logan only shrugs. mick is one of the few friends that she decided to tell; by that, he means that they got caught sneaking around the paddocks last year right by the haas racing home.

"still walked right past you?" a british accent makes logan tear his eyes off his girlfriend, meeting alex's brown eyes as he approaches the table. "how bad was the fight that you guys had?"

"pretty bad," logan mutters with a small smile, putting his phone down gently on the table. "did george tell you anything? did she tell them anything about the fight we had?"

alex frowns, shaking his head. logan came out and confessed that they, in fact, have been in a relationship for about two years. at first, alex was a bit appalled that logan was able to lie to him so fluently for the majority of the season.

after he processed his initial reaction, which only took about a minute or so, alex cheered and congratulated logan. as far as alex was concerned, it physically hurt to watch this young man be head over heels for someone he presumed to not be as interested in him as he is with her.

with his new-found knowledge of their involvement, alex went on a mission to pry george and lando - the people she's consistently stuck with all week - to try and figure out if she's said anything to them. or, has at least told them what's running through her mind.

alex did immediately run off. he was not glad to find out that his friends found out before him, but was very excited to share his new discovery.

he ran to the mercedes' racing home about an hour ago, squealing and giggling as he yanked george away from toto to talk. they were shortly joined by lando, spewing detailed accounts of the night he caught them in japan on a date.

then lando dropped his giggles, shaking his head at the assumption that their fight looked like it had gotten pretty bad. george then perks up, whispering very softly and incoherently about how bad it had seemed two nights ago during the opening ceremony rehearsal.

"they said she's been quite reserved since the first night," alex explains, lips pursed as he tries to remember everything that had nothing to do with the fact that he disappeared for a hot half hour because they derailed from the original topic of conversation.

alex found themselves talking about how they saw her crying in max's arm the other night, then concluding the conversation with what hair colour he should get next. "they said she's been with max a lot. hasn't even really talked to oscar, lando said."

logan scoffs, locking his jaw. he's not saying he's jealous of max verstappen, though it does seem to be that way to the naked eye.

okay so he's jealous of max verstappen. but in his defence, who wouldn't be? logan finds himself consistently at the back of the grid race after race, and there is his girlfriend sharing simple celebrations with the two-time world champion.

more often than not, on a race weekend, when she has to force a little distance from him to avoid partaking in the rumour mill, she's adopted by the older drivers to shower with information and a lot of love.

"yeah, she was walking with susie earlier," logan gestures at the long stretch ahead of them in the paddocks. "and she's wearing black."

"black?" alex repeats, raising an eyebrow. "like full black?" logan nods. "oh, you guys have got to talk soon. how long haven't you talked?"

"about a week."

"god," alex cries, rubbing his eyes. "okay, okay. we'll find a way to make you guys talk, okay?"

"how? she's been avoiding me all week. and i think this is something we need to come together on our own and figure out."

logan does have a big ego, but it all seems to fall apart when it comes to her. it's always been a topic for shits and giggles growing up though that seemed to change after they went on their first date.

almost immediately, everyone could tell how head over heels he was just for her.

"yeah, but neither of you is even trying?" alex points out, tilting his head and furrowing his eyebrows. "are you serious?"

"i can see how i worded that wrongly."

alex pushes his chair back, heading straight for the building behind them. "i will consult the madman. wait right here."

"whoa!" logan calls out, throwing his arms in the air. "you told your girlfriend that i have a girlfriend? dude, you were sworn to secrecy!"

"you're not as convincing as (y/n), from what i heard," alex purses his lips together, shaking his head. "and, lily knew before me, anyway. oscar's girlfriend whispered it in her ear when they went to the club last night when (y/n) refused to go out on the dance floor."

"fine. but come back with good news only."

"i'll try my best."

"it wasn't easy, i guess," toto shrugs, his office chair being manoeuvred around his small office by his feet planted against the floor. he stirs the coffee in his cup and looks at the girl curled into a ball in the chair on the other side of his table. "you need to put each other above the results of a weekend. you should not have let that get to you."

"but i guess it is kinda hard watching your girlfriend achieve the things you want to also be achieving," susie mutters, fingers pressed against her lips as she thinks.

for susie to know of her relationship with logan, you'd have to date back to over two years ago. susie had been fully vouching for her, trying to get her opportunities in a higher level to help her progress. so, of course, she had to excitedly tell susie about it.

if there was anyone who would be supportive, it's her. and susie didn't find a problem in their relationship, only claiming to tread carefully since they are always racing against one another.

susie is just more surprised that the difference in performance and the pressure of it all only just got to them now. racing alongside one another in f2 should have been the one that did it, but she guesses it's because they used to be a lot closer in the results back then.

"basically," toto sighs, blowing cold air into his cup of coffee. "put your relationship first if you want to make this last. and i know logan means a lot to you, so i am sure you will find a way around this."

"but why did it feel like it was my fault that he wasn't achieving the same things as me?" she sighs, throwing her head back into the wall with a soft thud. she looks at the ceiling of toto's office, knees to her chest as she hides away from the cameras and the prying questions of those who know of their relationship.

"you need to come together in the moments of hard times," toto mutters, shaking his head. "he's not doing well; you are doing well. find a middle ground."

"how am i supposed to do that, toto?" she yelps, melting into the seat, legs and arms spreading as she scratches the top of her head. "we literally just had the biggest fight of our relationship. two nights ago, i didn't even think there was no other way out of this but a breakup until max made me talk to susie."

the reason she's been following max instead of sebastian around all weekend is because she thought that he would be able to figure it out with her. alas, they were both stumped that night of the rehearsals, sipping on beer in a nearby bar.

she found herself hopeless, bracing herself to admit defeat to the pressures of dating someone within the sport. until max perked up after chugging half his glass of gin and tonic, eyes shimmering as the greatest idea he's had all night finally came to him.

"you know who i bet had to navigate a tricky situation?" max asked her, pointing a finger to her face knowingly. "susie and toto."

she hesitated, but max did make a compelling case. all he had to say was: "she used to race and he was an investor in the motorsport."

"i think," susie speaks, then pauses as she flutters her eyes to think for a moment, "that you're both great kids."

"thanks, that's exactly what my mum said," she answers flatly, unamused at the answer.

"so it might not be as difficult to resolve it," susie smiles. "i'm sure you can find a way."

"i'm here because i don't know a way," she repeats, throwing her arms around in the air. "you can't just say that to me and expect me to come up with a resolution instantly. i've avoided my boyfriend for almost a week because i thought there was only one solution!"

susie exchanges a smile with her husband, who is quietly giggling to himself at his table. then she looks at the young driver with a smile that emits less ridicule. "i can't do that for you. you have to figure it out with him; not us."

"are you saying i need to go and talk to him?" she frowns, folding her arms over her chest. "like i have to go up to him and talk to him? in person?"

"you can't do it over text message," toto frowns in confusion. he lifts his eyes to look at susie. "right?"

"she can," susie laughs, sitting on the armrest of his seat. she looks at the driver again. "but she shouldn't."

“handle this like an adult.”

“fine.”

logan was simply minding his own business in his driver's room when alex barged in (he's been doing that for the past week because he knows there's no possibility of a girl inside) and dragged him out.

he wasn't going to ask questions, he just followed alex blindly, dropping his head low in confusion.

right by the steps that lead into the william's racing home, their small group is huddled into a makeshift circle. they're leaned in with hushed whispers and excited giggles with lando even getting a bit loud with every couple of words he said.

she likes to call them the elite group that's somehow managed to find out about her and logan, though everyone argued with her that they didn't make much of an effort to really keep it under wraps.

"okay, so we came up with a plan," alex says, finally letting go of logan's sleeve.

max lifts his head, hands on his hips. "i wouldn't trust any plan you come up with."

"hey, i came up with that plan," lily.m scoffs, holding a hand against her chest. "excuse you."

"oh, then that's better," george agrees with a smile. "so what have you come up with?"

"really? you trust a plan that had alex's input on it?" lando cries, scratching his head. "you're gonna break them up! that's not the outcome we're trying to achieve, people! focus!"

"highly offended, actually," lily.m frowns. "like you can come up with a better plan."

alex waves his arms in the air in an attempt to hush the chatter that his friends are in. "no, listen! it's a good plan!"

"i also have a plan," mick speaks up, reaching his arm out into the middle of the circle to get their attention.

"i'd trust him more than whatever you two have come up with," max mutters, pointing at the couple accusingly.

logan actually appreciates the banter that's going on and it almost makes him forget the real reason they've all gathered here today. it's refreshing to be the one in the middle of older drivers' conversations.

this must be why his girlfriend has grown quite fond of them. but it's hard not to feel like an outsider.

"hey, we spent the better part of our alone time in my driver's room scheming!" alex defends himself, reaching out to push mick's arm away.

"hey, don't do that!" george laughs, smacking the back of alex's hand. "apologise!"

"guys," oscar finally speaks up. "i think we should address the problem at hand?"

"we will, but max says my plan would never work!" alex squeaks. "take that back!"

"i'm only speaking the truth!"

"but mate-"

"what are you guys doing?"

"hold on, (y/n), max is being- (y/n)!" alex screams just as everyone turns their head to find the smaller girl looking up at their group with a weird stare. she holds a pepsi tightly in her hands, pressing it against her chest as she takes an innocent sip.

logan feels his heart drop at the sight of his confused girlfriend standing there staring at them with wide eyes. but he also just feels an overwhelming surge of relief finally being this close to her again.

oscar is right: this is the longest they've gone without talking since they all met during karting. even his months-long trips back to florida never kept them apart from one another for this long. a couple days at best before they start falling back into old habits.

"we're having a," max trails, turning his head back to desperately search for somebody who can finish his sentence for him. "a..."

"we're discussing what to get for supper after the opening ceremony later," lily grins, elbowing oscar beside her to push him forward slightly.

oscar stumbles a step forward, clearing his throat as he meets his best friend's eyes. "yeah, we haven't found a place yet. we were just about to find you to ask you if you had any ideas!"

"and you're all going together?" she asks suspiciously, her eyes slowly scanning the participants of the circle. she momentarily meets logan's eyes before she settles for oscar's gaze again. "all of you?"

lando looks around, realising how weird their group has grown to be. he takes the initiative to answer her: "yeah. why not?"

she presses her lips together, moving her head to the side slightly to show him that she's not entirely buying the lie. "really?”

“yeah,” max nods excitedly. “we couldn’t find you so we discussed first.”

“but i’ve never seen you,” she points at oscar, then at logan, “and you hang out with george before.”

logan raises his eyebrows, taken aback by her sudden verbal acknowledgement of his presence. he shrugs, then turns his head to oscar for help.

“what, we can’t get to know each other over dinner?” george calls out with a scoff. “all this criticism — do you even know of a place we can go to to get some late-night food?”

“can it wait?” she asks sweetly with a small smile. “i kinda need to talk to logan alone.”

there’s a moment of silence.

“you’re making dinner plans without us, aren’t you,” mick jokes, furrowing his eyebrows at her. “why would you do that?”

she laughs, walking towards her boyfriend with a hand held out to his arm. “i just need to steal him for a little while — i promise we’ll head out to supper with you guys tonight.”

her hand lands on logan’s arm, wrapping itself around his arm. “we’ll catch you guys later?”

“okay,” max answers hesitantly. “don’t forget to think of where to eat.”

“max,” alex says through gritted teeth, hitting his shoulder.

“what?” max asks innocently, throwing his arms in the air as they start to pull away from the group.

she barely takes two steps away from them before she whispers to him, “can i talk to you for a bit?”

“yeah, of course,” logan nods, putting a hand on the small of her back. “your room?”

she nods with a small smile, then picks up her pace. she reaches back for his wrist, making him flinch at the first feel of her skin he’s gotten in the longest time. but he doesn't pull away, just lets the sliver of skin he can feel past the cuff of his fireproofs warm him up.

she rushes up the stairs leading up to the door of her racing home, head hung low as they navigate an all too familiar route. a route he hasn’t taken all week, but has been wanting to, and coward away from.

they’ve only got 15 minutes to figure this out in one sitting before it’s considered suspicious. they never stay in for too long to avoid suspicions within her team. just like a teenage couple would, they eventually keep the door open to prove that they're definitely not doing anything suspicious inside.

she greets her team principal with a small smile before she disappears into the stairs with logan still letting himself be dragged in by her. she makes a quick sharp turn into her room and closes the door behind her.

she faces the door, her heart racing in her chest and her hands start to sweat at the thought of confrontation over their intense fight. she came straight from toto's office and went to find logan, only to be told by james that he was dragged out by alex a few minutes prior.

she takes a deep breath and turns around and barely has the time to process just how much she's missed her boyfriend because she's being pulled into his arms in a tight hug.

"i'm sorry," logan mutters into her hair, his arms desperately clinging to her smaller frame.

she slowly lifts her arms, wrapping them around his torso to return the tight grip. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean what i said - i'm sorry."

"no, you're right. it's not my fault that i can't deliver for races. i shouldn't have taken it out on you," logan sighs, pulling away. "it's- oh, please don't cry."

"i'm sorry," she repeats, starting to heave heavily out of guilt. just the sheer thought that breaking up might have been the only way has been eating at her all day. "logan, i-"

"please don't cry," logan whispers, his lips pressing as a knot forms on his forehead. great. now they're both crying. his thumbs swipe over both her cheeks in an attempt to dry her tears but the new ones just keep undoing his efforts. "you can cry but don't make me cry. only one of us can cry at a time."

and then she couldn't hold it in anymore. she breaks into a louder cry. "i'm sorry i thought breaking up was the only way out of this. i'm sorry - i just didn't see how we could have moved past something as big as what we were fighting about. i love you, logan, but i didn't know what else i could do. i'm sorry."

suddenly it felt like someone had thrown a knife directly into his chest. the entire week, the thought that she might have considered breaking up with him came up many times. he was good at keeping those thoughts at bay, but hearing it directly from her lips just felt different.

it hurt differently when it came from the person you think is your soulmate.

"oh."

she stifled a sob when he straightened his back and dropped his hands from her cheeks. "i didn't know what to do. i'm sorry. i didn't know how long more we could go on walking on eggshells every race we would have. i hated hurting you like that every weekend. i hated seeing you force smiles, laughter and neverminds just to accommodate to me.

"i," she cuts herself off, forcing herself to swallow the sob that's bubbled up from the deepest part of her chest. she tries to blink her tears away, but it falls anyway. she turns away from him momentarily to wipe it away on the cuff of her fireproof. "i couldn't keep doing that to you."

"you," logan sighs, throwing his head back, palms covering his eyes. "you really think that i care about any of that? i contemplated; i told you, two years ago every single outcome our relationship could have on us! you knew this was bound to happen and now you're telling me you thought about ending it over this?"

"because i saw the way you would look at me every weekend! you didn't look at me the way you did in singapore when i was up on that podium when we were in bahrain at the start of the year. you can say you love me and that you're happy for me, but i can tell!"

"tell what?"

"i can tell that however much you loved me wasn't going to be enough for you to push away the growing feeling of-" she sighs, and tears her eyes away from him. she settles for the teddy bear sitting on her bean bag. she presses her lips together, jaw locking as she hates herself for what she's about to say. "of eventually hating me."

"why would you ever think that i could grow to hate you?" logan rubs his face roughly, then runs his hands through his hair. "i- god, i'm so in love with you! i was - i am - happy for you, but i could also see the pity in your eyes every weekend that i would finish behind you! you're sorry for me! i don't need that from you - everybody already always looks at me that way."

"because i know you on the track! i've raced against you my entire career - i know what you're capable of!"

"then why do you keep looking at me like i'm always just going to crash out every race?"

"i want to see you succeed! i hate seeing you like this! i hate having to go everywhere and watch and listen and look at people speaking about you like this! you're nothing like what they say!"

"i don't need your pity! i need you to be my girlfriend - i put you above what happens on a race weekend. if you succeed, then you succeed and then you can go and celebrate! but i never minimised any of your achievements just because my race went haywire. if i crash out and you've somehow managed to break a record, that's okay! it's doesn't fucking matter, because your achievements obviously mean the entire world more than that.

"stop trying to think of what i will feel when you succeed. i'm your boyfriend - i am always going to be happy for you. separate our results from our relationship. if you keep letting it get in the way, this will never work."

she straightens her back and snaps her head to him. "you want to break up with me?"

"no," logan sighs, shaking his head tiredly. he takes a step forward, her eyes dropping to his feet then lifting it to meet his eyes. "i don't want to break up with you, i'm just- i didn't speak to you very nicely before we left for vegas. i think i didn't word myself appropriately and i'm sorry."

"you were right about some points, honestly, it doesn't-"

"i didn't mean to blame you for the way i was feeling, and neither was it my intention to back you into a corner because i couldn't get a grip in an f1 car. it's not right."

"but, logan-"

"stop trying to take care of me and my feelings. i promise i always literally get over it when i see your team throwing you around when you make history."

"that's not fair," she says softly, leaning into his touch when he lifts his hand to cup her cheek. "you can feel feelings too. i don't want you to deprive yourself of that."

"i can be sad about it another day that doesn't interfere with you. it doesn't matter what i'm feeling retiring from a race when you never fail to deliver results."

"that doesn't solve my problem, logan. i don't want you to hate me."

"i'm never going to hate you," he laughs softly, throwing his arms around her for another embrace. "why would you ever think that?"

"because i've seen this happen to friends in the same field. one succeeds more than the other, and the latter can't cope. it almost always ends up falling apart."

"emphasis on 'friends'," logan smiles slightly, bending down to meet her at her height. "you're my girlfriend. we're always going to have to find ways around shit like this. we knew that when we started dating. right?"

"yeah? but it just doesn't sound like a solution i'll be okay with."

"i promise i'm trying to get better so i can redeem that one deal we made in bahrain at the start of the year."

"god, logan! you're disgusting!" her hand comes down to land a smack on his shoulder.

he bursts out laughing and leans down again to make their noses touch. "we're going to be okay."

"really?" she grins shyly, her hand resting above the back of his hand that's pressed up against her cheek. "you really think we'll be okay even if we're in f1 for the rest of our lives?"

"i know so. i know that because my mama didn't raise no quitter - i'm never leaving you."

"why'd you have to ruin it?"

"it was getting too sappy."

"maybe i preferred you guys when you were fighting," max scoffs, walking away from the seat he's just been evicted from. "you were able to act like two normal human beings."

"everything about this week is normal!" george cries, shaking his head. "she wore sunglasses indoors after making fun of me for it! how is that fair?"

"i literally told you i'm sitting next to logan," the younger driver states, glaring at max. "you went and sat next to him anyway. you did this to yourself."

"we're in america - it's called first come first serve."

"i literally don't think that's how it works," alex sighs, turning to look at max. "be better, max."

"trust me, i'm trying."

kidy/n

liked by logansargeant, blythe.yln and 73,482 others

kidy/n guys we’re still friends i promise i just can’t stand him when he makes me go fish with him because huh

view 13 comments…

comments on this post have been limited.

logansargeant no cuz why did u post this

logansargeant i thought you were joking

kidy/n learn to take me seriously every once in a while idk

oscarpiastri appropriate picture to end the us races imo

sebastianvettel ?

yukitsunoda0511 i’ll go fishing with u logan :/

lilyzneimer i’m going to have to disagree on this y/n

kidy/n please say jk right now i know you’re not defending this fish murderer

georgerussell63 hahahahahahahaha

kidy/n ?

williamsracing can we borrow these pics? asking for a friend

kidy/n merch with these photos?

williamsracing we’ll deliver it straight to your doorstep

logansargeant ???

@littlesatanicassholebitch @what-is-happening-helpp @myxticmoon @gentlyweeps-world @nerdfromanotherworld @n7ytiri @alliesreblogs

[seoulmatez]

୨♡୧ DRUNKEN CONFESSION — geto suguru x reader. sfw. fluff. college au. reader is intoxicated. lots of flirting + kinda self-indulgent.

never in a million years would you have imagined walking side-by-side with geto like this. the man is practically a celebrity at your school—chased after and envied. and, like it’s normal, he’s here beside you. not as discreetly as you think, you spare him a glance out of the corner of your eye.

you had accidentally bumped into him earlier, the collision resulting in a good majority of the contents of your cup ending up on his shirt. profuse, slurred apologies fell from your mouth, but he didn’t seem to mind much about his ruined garment—in fact, he was more concerned about you. so much so that he had been kind enough to offer to walk you home.

thinking back on it now, it was a rather impulsive decision to leave without the group you arrived with, and with a guy you’ve spoken to no more than ten times, at that. but no one’s known for making particularly good decisions while under the influence, right? and, you were smart enough to shoot your friends a text explaining your whereabouts in (what you hoped was) the unlikely event that your choice to take geto up on his offer turned out to be a bad one.

although, that much didn’t seem like it would be the case; he’s been a perfect gentleman thus far—leaving a fair amount of space between the two of you and only letting his hand ghost over the small of your back during those moments when you seem unsteady. you should be thankful that he’s so chivalrous, and you are, but a little part of you, one swayed by the alcohol in your system, was hoping he’d be a little more touchy. nothing inappropriate, just an arm around your shoulder or some simple hand-holding.

you look at geto again, more directly this time. his chocolatey eyes are focused forward and the moonlight glints off the two silver hoops wrapped around his lips. you’ve always found him pretty, but the gentle aura of the night makes his beauty seem even more delicate.

you’re positive you would have ended up staring at him for the rest of the walk if it weren’t for your foot catching on the sudden rise of the sidewalk.

before you’re able to trip forward and make contact with the pavement, geto’s hands are on your hips, firmly pulling your figure against him. “woah, careful there.”

“sorry!” you apologize, wriggling out of his hold so you can turn to face him. he doesn’t look the slightest bit annoyed, in fact, there’s a soft smile tugging at his lips. if you were sober, you’d be capable of picking up on the humor hiding in it.

“it’s fine,” he assures you. you’ve been swaying since you two crossed paths at the party and geto has a hard time believing that’ll wear off any time soon.

“we still have a while ‘til we get to your place,” geto’s voice trails off with the last word as he turns around and crouches. you wordlessly stare at his back until he looks over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows. upon seeing your confusion, he spells it out for you. “hop on.”

“are you sure?” you ask him. “i can walk.”

geto’s is sure that statement isn’t true. “yeah, get on.”

you fight the smile threatening your lips as you climb onto his back, your arms loosely wrapping around his neck, wrists crossing at his collarbone. long legs boost the both of you up and geto’s arms snake under the backs of your knees before he sets off in the direction you’d been walking.

the cool breeze is even more evident against the warmth of your cheeks. this is a new proximity, one you haven’t been warranted before. you can feel the bit of skin exposed from beneath his t-shirt against your forearms, see the scrunchie holding the top half of his hair up in its bun. the scent of his shampoo—coconut, you think— wafts through the air, pleasantly meeting your nostrils. it’s hypnotizing, drawing words out of you that you certainly wouldn’t voice if you were sober. “you know, i’ve never really liked guys with long hair.”

he can’t conceal the snort that sounds in the night air. “is that so?”

you hum in confirmation, nodding your head despite geto not being able to see you. the rational part of your brain that would normally urge you to shut up isn’t functioning at the moment, so you continue. “but i like yours. it’s kind of hot.”

geto’s lips wobble in an attempt to hold back his laugh. alcohol makes you bold, huh? on the few occasions you two have interacted in the past, you were never this forward. geto has an eye for picking out those who are interested in him—they don’t make it hard. though, you completely slipped past his radar.

“you think?” he asks through a chuckle.

“yup,” you reply, popping the “p.” there’s no end to your vomit of words. once you’ve started talking, it’s difficult to get you to stop. “all my friends think it’s sexy when you tie it up before practice.”

geto doesn’t know what’s more surprising—how easily you’re giving up the information or the fact that he somehow missed you in the bleachers. it’s not the moral thing to do considering your current state, but he’s curious enough to ask, “what about you?”

“hm? what about me?”

“do you think it’s sexy?” he clarifies.

the burning in your cheeks is back but you don’t feel embarrassed, not the way you would if geto had asked you any other time. alcohol is your truth serum and without thinking of the consequences you’ll be facing in the future, you tell him, “yeah. you’re, like, super attractive.”

he was only teasing before but your answer makes geto’s eyebrows shoot up. as cocky as it sounds, the man doesn’t normally find such declarations surprising. although, that isn’t the case when it comes to you. he has no intention of telling you so when you’re drunk, but the feeling is mutual. geto clears his throat before his next words. “thank you.”

“you’re welcome.” there’s a sing-songy lilt to your voice that tells him your head is still swimming.

your willingness to so honestly answer each of his inquiries raises another question in geto’s mind. it’s a tad bit shameless on his part but you likely won’t even remember this exchange come morning considering your condition. and, geto thinks, the question is harmless enough—just a little flirting. “so, what do you like most about me?”

“mm, definitely your smile.” your reply comes almost immediately like you had been waiting for the opportunity to tell him so. the observation makes the corners of geto’s lips turn up. “it’s really pretty. but your piercings are a little intimidating.”

“oh?” geto’s pace slows down as he approaches the building you had told him was yours when the two of you were leaving from the party. he squats down to let you off his back and your feet haphazardly meet the pavement before you steady yourself. the crunch of pebbles beneath his shoes sounds in the air as geto turns around to face you. “you don’t like them?”

“i do,” you start, “i just bet it feels weird when you kiss, right?”

once again, geto’s eyebrows meet his hairline in a show of surprise. unconsciously, his tongue pokes out to toy with the cool hoops wrapped around his lips. “wanna see for yourself?”

“what?” you squeak, your eyes widening at geto’s suggestion. sure, you’re curious but that’s not what you meant. for the first time all night, you’re flustered. “i didn’t say that!”

he holds a fist to his mouth to hide his laugh which is still plainly audible despite his effort. with the same hand, he waves you off. “i was kidding.”

your lips are still parted in shock and you can feel your heart beating wildly in your chest, but you nod in understanding.

“come on,” geto jerks his head in the direction of your building, “let’s get you inside.”

he leads the way with your instruction, typing in the four-digit pin to gain access and pressing the button in the elevator to take you to the third floor. you stop outside your door to pull your keys out of your bag, sticking the carved metal into the keyhole after a few attempts. you can’t see it, but geto’s lips pull up as he watches your struggle.

when you finally get the door open, you step inside your apartment. geto’s feet stay rooted to the floor of the hallway.

“drink some water before you go to sleep, okay?” he advises you.

too embarrassed to speak after the last mishap, you stick your arm out and thumb up, a smile accompanying the gesture.

your uncharacteristic silence draws a quiet laugh from geto. he raises his hand in a wave. “see you around.”

thanks for reading! consider commenting or reblogging if you enjoyed ❤︎

[darsynia]

Heyyy. I hope ur requests are open. Anyways. Can I get a shot of tequila w/ Steve Rogers and the reader reunited after like 6 months apart because he went on the run and didn’t want to disrupt her life. Like maybe she was on Tony’s side in Civil War but helped Steve anyway because they were together since CA:WS. She tracks him down in Switzerland and he comes home to the safe house to see her heels by the door like they usually would be back in New York. Then he sees her sitting in the dark, save for the fireplace, and they argue about how he can try to leave but she will find him everytime because she loves him. So they have some “reunion fun” and maybe after, they’re having some pillow talk where she’s worried that he’s been with other women in 6 months apart. because let’s be fair, we can’t blame her. have you seen the nomad-hair ‘n beard?… 😭

Thanks for the request, nonnie! I couldn't work in the very last bit, but hopefully you'll enjoy. Rating is NC-17, minors DNI. 1,800 words. (I forgot to add, 180F is a good temperature for green tea--and yeah, a kettle would be in C probably but bear with me for the metaphor ❤️)

180

The chilly wind is not the reason Steve feels cold on his walk home. He’s living in a fully furnished home for the first time in six months, but nothing about the space feels welcoming. He can’t settle. Somehow the many barracks he’s lived in over the years made him feel more comfortable, and he knows the reason why.

You’re not there.

The thought stings, and he grits his teeth, keeping his eyes on the road. The last thing he wants to do is look familiar, and maybe that’s the problem. If he’s not allowed to be Steve Rogers, no amount of handmade quilts and cozy living room furniture will make him feel at home.

He rounds the corner, pulling out his key with a half of a block to go. The rental is quiet, out of the way, obscure, even. Half the time even he struggles to find it. From three houses away, he sees a pair of deep red heels next to his front door, as incongruous among the quaint townhomes in Willisau as a palm tree. The spasm in his chest isn’t something the serum in his veins can heal, but Steve tells himself nothing’s really there. He’s imagined your shoes waiting outside of almost every place he’s laid his head since he left, and now it’s Switzerland’s turn.

He studiously ignores his lintel as he unlocks the door and goes inside.

 Steve’s sure he’s right when everything is the same as he’d left it. You've never failed to leave your personal touch in his living spaces--a hand knit scarf hung next to his coats, a delicate bunch of flowers on the table in a vase he'd long ago forgotten he owned.

The orange of sunset stretches across the floor from a back window, and he can smell the tang of woodsmoke, a familiar occurrence in this neighborhood. It isn't until he puts his shoes and keys away and pads into the kitchen that he finally realizes he’s not alone.

The smoke smell isn’t from outside. The fireplace is lit, and when Steve steps into the doorway, he sees a familiar, precious silhouette. Even though you have to have heard him, you don’t turn around, so he chooses discretion as the better part of valor. You’ve always said a warm cup of tea is comforting after a long day, and it has been that.

He sets the temperature on the kettle, places two mugs, and then goes looking for tea, concern and frustration growing. You've never not greeted him, but those had always followed a goodbye, something Steve hadn't had the courtesy to give when he'd left. The first two cabinets yield nothing, and you haven’t spoken or come in, yet.

Then, suddenly, you’re there, walking in and showing him exactly where the tea is, right in time for the kettle’s finishing beep. You’ve always been like that, exactly what he needs at exactly the right time, and that hasn’t changed. It’s damning and loving all at once.

Steve grabs at one of the tins, but you set a light hand on his, leaving it there are you say something about temperatures and tea leaves. He’s barely listening, focused on the way your touch has jump-started his heart, his lungs, and… everything else.

“Steve!” you say, snatching your hand back and giving him an affectionate, frustrated look. It’s more the latter than the former, but at this point he’s parched soil grateful for a slight drizzle. “Did you hear any of that? I asked what temperature you set the kettle.”

“Uh, whatever the default is?”

Brand new to this kitchen though you are, you pick it up and start it again, noting that the water bubbles up right away. “212 is my guess. That’s too hot for this. It’s green.”

Steve very much wants to point out that all tea is green, but he knows better. Instead, he says, “We can pour it out and start over?”

You look at him for a long moment, your body a foot and several hard conversations away, and finally nod. Neither of you say anything as the new water heats up, but Steve feels the metaphorical distance between the two of you narrow as you breathe each other’s air for the first time in forever.

When the kettle finally sounds, it’s somehow familiar. In his head Steve feels another timer go off, and he heeds it.

“I’m--” he starts to say, but you interrupt.

“I know.”

To hide his apprehension, Steve grabs the sugar, a spoon, and an amused look. “You don’t know what I was going to say!”

“I know all of them. You’re sorry. You’re not coming home. You’re doing this for my own good. You’re lonely.”

“You’re right.”

“I know.”

The two of you settle next to each other on the couch with a not inconsiderable amount of painful distance between you. That doesn’t translate to the conversation, though. It’s full of honesty (“I didn’t want to leave. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I’m not done with the things that need to be done, and it’s not safe for you here.”) from both sides  (“You’re physically gone and I hate that, but emotionally, I know you don’t want to let me go. I’m always with you, and I’ll always find you. There’s no one that can keep me safer than you can.”).

Once the tea’s long gone and the fire has died down to embers, neither of you have said the most important words, the healing words. 

Finally you whisper them, tears welling up in your eyes. “Steve, I love you. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

He opens his mouth, certain of his mission, as sacrificial as it is--but you slide up beside him, warm and loving and his.

“It can be like this,” you rasp, sliding your hand along his chest and up into his hair to pull his lips down to yours.

Steve groans in gratitude, angling his head in welcome and grasping at your hips to drag you onto his lap where you belong. He sends up a prayerful apology to any member of his family that still checks the earthly realm to watch him live a sinless life. Today is not that day. 

You’re wearing soft dress pants, just loose enough for him to slide his hand past your waistband, thumbing caresses along the heat of your inner thigh until your hitching ‘yes’ of a sigh gives him more explicit permission. He’d missed your body, missed this, the warm slick of your welcoming folds, the way you gasp and tense when he strokes you. This angle shouldn’t work, but he’s strong, and he knows how much you love that, so he nuzzles the join between your neck and shoulder, breathing you in.

You release your deathgrip on his shirt to snake your hand up into his hair, dragging your fingernails deliciously against his scalp. Your movements are imprecise and shaky, a testament to his own erotic movements, and Steve groans aloud at the realization. The timbre of your voice as you whisper his name hints at how close to orgasm you are, and he takes the opportunity to escalate his onslaught.

“Let go, sweetheart,” he whispers against your skin, thrusting his fingers inside at unpredictable intervals to prolong your pleasure. You have always both loved and hated that, wanting instead to lose yourself in the rhythm of predictable movements--but your most vocal climaxes come just like this.

Steve backs off again, and you roll your hips, tempting him to return. “I’ll never let go,” you growl, pushing off just far enough to start unbuckling his pants. “You should know that.”

It’s an inflection point, and though Steve’s a soldier, he doesn’t fight you. You’d been so close your whole body had started to tremble, but instead of taking what you could from him and then shifting the mood, you’d taken the route of self-sacrifice. Those thoughts flee the battlefield when you urge him to lift up enough to tug his pants out of the way. Impatience sings through his veins. He wants to take charge and--

“Oh,” he says. The whole world shifts from black and white to color as you slide down between his legs, taking him in your mouth. He’s almost too sensitive for this, grabbing a fistful of the couch instead of your hair, knowing his own strength. You anchor yourself with a hand grasping that same forearm, moaning as you suck as if feeling the flex of his muscles is itself erotic.

Steve knows the whining noise he can hear is coming from his own throat, but doesn’t care about anything but the surging joy of this moment. You know exactly how to work him, adding everything he loves about you, about the ‘us’ he’d wanted to build with you. When he’s almost, almost there, when he knows your next move would be a deep-throated encouragement to spill in your mouth, you pull back.

The lesson is sharp and warranted, but Steve’s trust doesn’t waver. He looks down at you--‘submissive’ at his feet but fully in charge of the moment--and nods. I get it. Your light smile and little squeeze of his arm before you get up feels more like home than anything in months.

“I love you,” he says, and means it more than he ever, ever has.

“Hasn’t anyone told you not to say that in the middle of sex?” you tease, moving fluidly to shed the rest of your clothing. The only thing you keep on is your electric blue bra, and Steve lets out a tiny little noise of want when he sees it. It’s his favorite. Eight months ago you’d tried to get rid of it and he’d snatched it up out of the ‘to toss’ pile and buried it in his drawer, the drawer you’d given him in your bedroom for when he slept over.

He hadn’t wanted to leave it behind, to leave you behind, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Now, looking at your sultry, challenging expression, he truly understands the mistake he made.

Steve opens his mouth to tell you how beautiful you look in the firelight, how sorry he is that he ever thought he could walk away to make your life safer, how--

“Prove it, soldier,” you tell him. The words are confident, but there’s a waver in your tone that he put there.

He reaches for you, pulling you onto him, into him, straight through his skin, your sighs writing your name on his heart. It's exactly where you, where he belongs. The result is a rolling boil, a volley of exploding shells, a Brooklyn apartment with a pair of red heels at the door.

It’s been a battle, but he’s home.

[redrose10]

Here is #6 from the photo game!

Warnings: Swearing, hints of cheating, anxiety, depression

A relaxing weekend spent at a cabin with your boyfriend sounded like an amazing idea at the time. No distractions, no work, just you and Yoongi spending a few days together. The fall time was the busiest time of the year thanks to the leaves changing and the brisk air making cuddling by the fireplace more desirable. To make sure you got the reservation and to get the best deal you booked the cabin six months in advance.

Then life happened and you and Yoongi got in an argument. It wasn’t anything new. You two had been together for four years and had arguments every now and then like any couple. You could tell something was different this time though. He seemed angrier, less willing to communicate and more closed off. You walked into the bedroom to give each other some space expecting to work things out later. Ten minutes went by and Yoongi walked in with red eyes and his cheeks soaked with tears.

“I’m sorry Y/N, I can’t do this any more.”, he whispered before shoving some of his clothes in a bag and running out the door. That was two months ago and you haven’t spoken since.

“Y/N you should go on the trip. Take a relaxing weekend for yourself. You deserve it.”, your best friend said over dinner.

The romantic trip you had planned with Yoongi was coming up. After all that happened you had forgotten to cancel it before the required date and now it was too late. The trip was non-refundable at this point. You thought about just loosing out but it was a lot of money.

“I don’t know. I wish you were available to go with me. Isn’t it kind of weird to go alone? Yoongi also helped pay so I don’t really think it’s fair for only me to go and even worse what if he shows up?”, you questioned.

“Y/N first off you paid for half the trip too so it’s just as much yours as it is his. Secondly I really doubt he even remembers it’s coming up. He looks pretty busy right now anyways.”

You followed her line of sight until your stomach dropped at what you saw. While you were barely able to function the last couple months Yoongi appeared to happily be on a date with another woman across the restaurant like he had moved on with no issue.

“How could he move on from me so fast?”, you asked rhetorically.

Your friend shrugged, “Maybe he’s known her for a while. He could’ve been cheating on you for all we know.”

“No he wouldn’t have done that to me. He wouldn’t have cheated.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”, she said pointing over in Yoongi’s direction. The woman he was with had turned around to grab her bag and you gasped, “Nari?”

You bit your lip trying not to cry. Nari was a producer that worked for the same company as Yoongi. She made you feel really insecure from the moment you met her. She was beautiful and smart and funny and worked as a producer just like Yoongi so they had a lot in common. You were suspicious from the first time you met her. It definitely crossed your mind a few times that maybe he liked her more than he lead on. He assured you over and over that she was nothing more than a coworker though and that you had absolutely nothing to worry about. You believed him. And now here he was staring into her eyes just two short months after breaking your heart into a million pieces. You started to wonder if maybe he really had been cheating on you that whole time. Your sadness and hurt began to change to anger the more you pondered that.

Suddenly you stood up grabbing your things. “Where are you going?”, your friend questioned confused.

“Home. I’ve got a trip to pack for.”, you gritted through your teeth.

The drive up the mountain to your cabin was a little scarier than you expected. You took your bag out of the back seat and entered in the code that the rental company had given you to gain access to the front door.

The cabin was adorable and you were really happy with your choice. It was tiny but enough for two people and more than enough for just one. The bedroom and the bathroom were at the back of the cabin and after your long stressful drive you wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower and lay in bed and relax for a while before dinner.

You were drying your hair after your shower when you heard the front door open and shut followed by some jingling keys. Immediately you went into panic mode. You were alone in a cabin in the middle of the mountains. You couldn’t run anywhere and no one would hear you scream. You grabbed the fire poker from the bedroom fire place to use as a weapon and then slowly tiptoed down the hall ready to fight whomever was entering the cabin.

“What are you doing here?”, a deep familiar voice asked before you could speak. “Me?! What are you doing here?”, you spat back at Yoongi who was glaring at you.

For a brief moment you were a little relieved to see him and not a serial killer ready to claim their next victim but that relief was quickly replaced with anger.

“Seriously Yoongi, why are you here?”

Suddenly it hit you, what if he was here with Nari? Like what if he brought her here to enjoy the romantic couples trip you had planned for the two of you. You felt sick at the thought.

“I paid for half of this trip too. I need some time alone so I can work and get some stuff done.”

“What too many “distractions” at home?”, you rolled your eyes immediately thinking about him and another woman.

“Yeah actually there are. Not that it’s any of your business.”, he clapped back.

That hurt and your angry confidence faltered. Your lip began to quiver. You knew you needed to get away from him before he could see you cry.

“Fine. Do what you want. I’ll be in the bedroom.”, you said storming off and slamming the door shut behind you.

When you woke up the room was completely dark. The curtains were still open and it was clearly the middle of the night. You didn’t mean to cry yourself to sleep but you must’ve been more exhausted than you thought.

You were stretching out on the bed when your stomach started to rumble reminding you that you hadn’t eaten since the morning. Slowly cracking open the bedroom door you were met with silent darkness. Maybe you got lucky and Yoongi decided to go back home. That would be ideal you thought.

You tiptoed down the hall only to be met with the sound of soft snores coming from the couch. You peaked over finding Yoongi sound asleep all wrapped up in a blanket. He looked so cuddly and warm and you missed falling asleep with his arms wrapped around you.

Thankfully your stomach grumbled again getting you back on the right track. Yoongi was not yours to cuddle any more anyways.

The kitchen was small but livable. As quietly as possible you poked around hoping to find something you could quickly turn into a meal. Unfortunately thanks to the events earlier you didn’t even think to go to the grocery store to stock up so the kitchen was bare. You chugged a large glass of water hoping it would hold you over a few more hours until you could go get breakfast somewhere.

You turned to rinse out your glass when you saw a note sitting on the counter. The handwriting familiar,

“Pizza in the fridge. Promise I didn’t poison it. Just didn’t want to wake you. -Yoongi.”

You wanted to cry. You wanted to be angry. You wanted to run into the living room and hug him. But instead you chose to just take a slice of pizza, conveniently with your favorite toppings which only made you want to cry more, and headed back to your room to hideout until the morning.

Somehow you managed to doze off again for another few hours. The bright sun shining through the crack in your curtains waking you up this time. You got ready for the day, putting a little more effort into your appearance than you had for the last couple months. You kept telling yourself it had absolutely nothing to do with Yoongi.

The kitchen was filled with the scent of pepperoni and garlic. Just as you walked in Yoongi was pulling what was left of the pizza out of the oven.

“This will have to do for breakfast. We’ll have to go into town and get some groceries.”, he said when he noticed you.

“Oh if you want to make a list I can just go. You said you had a lot of work to do.”, you replied wanting to avoid having to spend so much time with him.

But he shook his head, “It rained quite a bit last night. The roads might be rough. We’ll go together.”

You knew there was no use in arguing with him and maybe a small part of your heart warmed up at the thought that he still worried about you like that.

“Okay. We can leave after breakfast.”, you nodded.

The drive into town was silent and uneventful. The little town was cute to say the least. You even took note of the realty company there because you wouldn’t mind moving there some day.

At the grocery store you both quickly gathered what you needed. Mostly snacks since you were only there for one more night. You grabbed some fruit and a giant tub of ice cream. Yoongi grabbed a six pack and some instant noodles.

He surprised you when he suggested you both stop for lunch. You really wanted to say no but he was driving so you didn’t have much of choice anyways. You ended up at a quaint little cafe. The atmosphere was warm and welcoming even though the tension between you and Yoongi was ice cold.

You were sat on the back patio over looking the beautiful fall foliage. Several outdoor fire pits provided more than enough warmth.

“So how have you been?”, Yoongi awkwardly asked.

“Fine I guess. Not as good as you apparently.”, you replied harsher than you meant to.

“What is that supposed to mean?”, he asked confused.

You went to apologize but were interrupted.

“Alright did you two decide what you’re having today?”, the waiter Jin asked.

“Uh yeah just the classic burger for me.”, Yoongi replied.

“The harvest soup please.”, you said handing him your menu.

After he walked away the tension between you both was thicker than before.

You realized that Yoongi had been kind through the whole trip. Saving pizza for you, sleeping on the couch without argument so you could have the bed, heating up breakfast, taking you into town and paying for the groceries, now taking you to a nice cafe and trying to have a civil conversation. You realized you had been the one making things difficult.

“Hey Yoongi I’m sorry about what I sa-“, you began but his phone started ringing. He took it out of his pocket and you felt your blood boil when you saw the contact name flashing on the screen, Nari.

“Sorry Y/N. I have to take this.”, he said walking away from the table.

“Of course.”, you scoffed thankful that you didn’t fully apologize yet.

Feeling anxious and not wanting to just sit there any more you walked over to the balcony so you could look out over the property.

“They’re beautiful aren’t they?”, a guy said next to you. He pointed out to the field after noticing your confusion, “The trees.”

“Oh yeah. They’re gorgeous.”, you chuckled.

“They’re tulip trees. They’re even more beautiful when they bloom in the spring.”, he said, “I’m Namjoon by the way.”

He smiled flashing you the prettiest dimples you’d ever seen.

“Y/N”, you said, “Maybe I’ll have to come back in the spring to see them in bloom. That sounds quite nice actually.”

“Oh you’re not a local?”, he asked, “You know… if you want I could show you around the town a little.”

“I’d like that, but I’m just here on a little weekend trip. I leave tomorrow.”

“Oh Uhh are you here on a trip with your boyfriend?”

Your brows furrowed, “What? No I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Namjoon awkwardly chuckled, “Well um does that guy know that because he’s currently staring at us like he wants to kill me?”

You looked where he was pointing to see Yoongi standing there. His hands in his pockets while he ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. And he was in fact staring daggers at you. You knew just from that look that he was furious.

“Don’t worry. He’s just a complicated friend thing person….”, you cringed.

“Okay well if you want to give me call I’d be happy to show you around. Maybe don’t bring your friend thing though.”, he laughed handing you his number.

You walked back to the table just as Jin dropped off your meals. You both ate in silence and that carried over to the drive back to the cabin too.

Once the groceries were unloaded Yoongi grabbed his headphones and laptop and went out to the back deck without a word.

You stood and watched him work for a while. The Yoongi that you knew all these years would never just give you the silent treatment. He discussed what was bothering him so that you could work together to solve it.

He answered another phone call. You figured it was Nari again so you walked away to give him some privacy.

You had just finished plating up dinner when Yoongi came walking back inside. He eyed the food and then you. “We didn’t have much to make a big meal but I put together what I could.”, you said shifting awkwardly under his gaze.

“Not hungry.”, he scoffed before turning to walk back outside.

“Seriously Yoongi, what the fuck is your problem?”

He stopped and turned to look at you, “I don’t have a problem. Why don’t you go out and have a nice dinner with your little friend you met earlier.”

You hated that you could feel tears already begin to form, “You’re one to talk.”

With three long strides he was right in front of you giving you somewhat of a startle, “Me? I haven’t done anything other than be a heartbroken mess these last two months without you but the minute a cute guy flirts with you then you’re practically trying to fuck him right there.”

You stared at him in disbelief. Your heart rate was skyrocketing. From his pocket you could hear his phone ringing again and it all came back to you.

“At least I waited until you broke up with me. You are the asshole who was cheating on me the whole time.”, you whispered as the realization of your words hit you. Tears began freely falling as you turned and ran back into the bedroom closing the door behind you.

You never expected that this trip would be filled with so much crying and hurt. It was supposed to be relaxing and fun.

You waited a while until you had calmed down and then decided you weren’t spending another night in the same cabin with Yoongi so you grabbed your bag and packed up your clothes. You did a double check making sure you had everything and with your car keys in hand you pulled open the bedroom door only to hear a loud thud followed by a groan.

Quickly you found the hall light switch flipping it on only to find a very buzzed Yoongi rolling around on the floor. The six pack he had gotten at the store now empty and tossed around him.

“Y/N please don’t leave. I need you.”, he slurred.

You looked over his face. He looked just as bad as you did if not worse. Clearly he had been crying. His nose was bright red and his eyes still teary.

“Come on. Let’s get you to bed.”, you sighed while helping him up thankful you talked him out of the twelve pack.

Worried that he would roll off the couch you decided to let him have the bed. You were leaving anyways so it didn’t matter. Once he was all tucked in you tried once again to leave but he grabbed your wrist, “Y/N you can’t leave. I already lost you once and I can’t…I can’t do it again.”

He started to cry. You started to cry. You agreed to stay.

When you woke up the next morning Yoongi was already staring at you.

“I never cheated on you with Nari. I know that’s what you think happened.”, he said getting right to the point like the Yoongi you knew.

You stared at him in silence. Your throat was sore and your head hurt from all the crying.

He took a deep breath before continuing, “Y/N, I broke up with you because that’s what I thought was best for you. Just it’s just that the last couple months I felt like I was drowning. Work was piling up, I was spending less and less time with you. My mental and physical health were deteriorating. I saw how worried you were about me. I saw how sad you were. How tired you were. All because of me. And then I had a realization that I didn’t bring anything positive to our relationship. So when we got into that fight I saw it as my way to get you out of this. To free you from me.”

He paused for a second. He used his thumb to wipe away some of your tears that you hadn’t even realized were there again.

“But after we broke up I realized how much you held me together. I couldn’t function without you but every time I’d pick up my phone to call you or every time I’d stand outside your door ready to knock I would remind myself that this was what’s best for you. You wouldn’t be able to live your life if I was there dragging you down. But I’ve been a complete mess since that night. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. My work was slipping so bad and that’s why I had that dinner with Nari. The one you saw me at. She’s a head producer now and technically my boss. She told me that if I didn’t get my shit together that they would have to terminate my contract. That’s why she keeps calling me, to check in and see how my progress is coming along. And I’m sorry about what I said about you and that guy. If you want to go out with him it’s none of my business. I’ll work through my feelings alone.”

You sat for a moment trying to process everything that you just heard because you had no idea that he was feeling that way.

“Yoongi I’m sorry that you felt like that but you don’t get to make that decision for me. I would go to hell and back for you and with you. Part of being in a relationship is being there through not only the good times but the difficult ones too.”

After you heard sniffles coming from next to you, you noticed that he was crying. You pulled him into your lap which he happily allowed wrapping his arms around you and pulling himself as flush against you as he could. He nuzzled his face into the crook of your next to soothe himself.

“I’m so sorry Y/N. I never meant to hurt you. I actually wanted was trying to do the opposite.”, he spoke through sobs.

“Shhh shhh I know. We can talk more about it later.”

And you did have a long discussion about all of the events that lead up to that moment. It was much needed and helped you both to open up and put all of your feelings out there.

You agreed to take things slow but you spent the rest of the day happily wrapped in each others arms by the fireplace just like you had originally planned .

[rheabl00dyripley]

"I'm glad you didn't either."

This is a second chance romance where the reader had broken up with Sam two years ago, despite staying friends with Colby and Tara. It makes things a little difficult, but things had never become an issue. Until now.

Pairing: Sam Golbach x Reader

Warnings: smut, dirty talk, unprotected p in v, pet names (sir, baby), Sam hating her rebound ex,  Sam being scared of abandonment, fluff, slight angst

18+ only, MDNI. If you’re under the age of 18, I don’t care if you read my work, just please do not interact with the works that I publish <3

It had been years. Years. Since we had last spoken. Sure, I’ve stayed friends with Colby. I don’t see why that would be a problem.

But clearly after all of this time, Sam can’t handle the fact that I still want to be around a friend of his after everything he had done to me.

(2 weeks prior)

I had just gotten ready with Tara for something she was dragging me to, unbeknownst to me who would be there or what would be there.

I tried coaxing her into telling me, but she kept telling me, “Be patient, (y/n). You’ll enjoy it, I promise!”

Not so sure that I’d enjoy it, I reluctantly agreed, knowing that Colby would most likely be there, alongside Jake. Internally, a part of me had been hoping and begging that Sam wouldn’t try and weasel his way into this gathering, knowing it would be the death of my internal being.

But just for him, a part of me would let it happen.

I have had to shut that part of me down several times. When he had left me for no reason back two years ago, I swore I’d never go back to him, swore to myself that I’d never put myself through that kind of torture ever again. 

Cutting me out of my thoughts, Tara had walked up to me in the store with a silk red dress, one that looked like it would barely cover me. I looked at her sheepishly with a skeptical undertone, making her giggle nervously.

“C’mon (y/n)! It’s so cute, you’d look gorgeous in it!”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the dress from her to further examine it, imagining myself in it. I’ve always known that I’m not the best looking person. But, I decided to listen to Tara this time. Recently dealing with yet another breakup from the rebound to heal from Sam, it didn’t necessarily hurt me, just another inconvenience. 

Tara shooed me to the nearest dressing room and I smiled warmly at the girl, knowing that she only has the best of intentions for me.

Walking into the dressing room and locking the door behind me, I sighed, feeling relief wash over me in this tiny confined space. I hung the beautiful dress on one of the hangers inside of the dressing room and looked at myself in the mirror, taking in everything with my current appearance.

I haven’t worn makeup since my first date with my rebound, and it made me want to do it again, to wear the makeup I want with this red dress.

I slipped out of my t-shirt and baggy low rise jeans, staring at my half-naked body in the mirror, pointing out every flaw about myself that Sam once adored. How he used to tell me how beautiful I was, how I had nothing to be insecure about, and I missed that feeling. The feeling as if I was on top of the world with nothing to deal with, just there with the one I love. Loved. The one I loved.

“Does it fit?”

I hear Tara’s voice from behind the door and it, once again, pulls me from my thoughts. I quickly grab the dress and unzip the back, sliding myself into the material. I gasp when I take in myself in the mirror, how even with the dress unzipped it made me look ethereal. I tried to zip the dress up myself, feeling a little uneasy with how low the back was and how small the zipper was. 

I got it zipped and released a breath I didn't realize I had been holding, looking at myself from many different angles to ensure I got the right look of how this dress fit me.

I lowered my head and opened the door, smiling sheepishly as Tara took in my appearance with a gasp and a squeal, running up to hug me.

“Oh my god (y/n) it looks beautiful on you!”

Her comment alone made me feel flustered, fidgeting with my hands in embarrassment. I muttered a small “thank you” before returning into the dressing room and slipping out of the dress, putting it back on the hanger and putting my clothing back on before opening the door once more.

I walked out with the dress in hand, smiling at Tara and enjoying how excited she looked.

“I think this is the one.”

I said softly, walking side by side with Tara up to the check-out counter to buy the dress, and leaving once the purchase was made. As we walked to Tara’s car, we began talking about random things, things I don’t remember now. However, one part of the conversation stayed in my head like a broken record.

Tara had just gotten into her car, and I followed suit, placing the bag that the dress was in into the backseat and fastening my seatbelt. Tara had looked at me with a small look of guilt before starting the car and fastening her own seatbelt, taking a deep breath before speaking once more.

“Do you ever miss the relationship you had with Sam?”

As soon as I heard those words, I felt my heart break a little more, the memories of our relationship flooding back to me like I had them locked up for this very moment. I looked at her with a face full of shock, unsure of if I had heard her correctly. 

Once I was sure she had said what she had said, I shuffled in the passenger seat, focusing on the road in front of us as if I was the one driving. I cleared my throat before responding to her, knowing that I could very easily start crying from this conversation alone.

“Uhm… yeah, sometimes, I guess.” I had said softly, my voice merely above a whisper. I had seen her nod in my peripheral, deciding to not say anything else. She handed me her phone and I unlocked it, making sure the bluetooth was connected before playing some early 2000’s music to get me out of the destructive mindset that I had silently entered. The drive back to my house had seemed a lot longer than before, my mind racing with memories of my relationship with Sam, memories that I had shut out once the relationship was over.

Once we had finally made it to my house and Tara pulled into my driveway, stopping the car and turning it off, she looked over at me before opening her door.

“I’m sorry if me bringing it up caused anything bad, I didn’t mean to-”

I cut her off quickly with a shake of my head. “Tara it’s fine, I know you didn’t mean any harm. Let’s just get inside, okay?” She nodded, and I made sure to grab the dress before getting out of her car. 

Once outside, I made my way to my front door, noticing some people inside that weren’t there when we had left earlier. I looked back at Tara and saw her smiling, internally wondering what was going on. Opening the front door, I saw Colby and Jake waiting for us with some food they had grabbed on their way over. 

Colby was the first one to speak, moving towards me with open arms. He had enveloped me in a warm embrace, slightly swaying. “Hey (y/n), how’ve you been?” He said as he pulled away, looking down at me with a smile on his face. I smiled back, pulling away as well. “Been alive, that’s for sure. Nothing too important to speak of though.”

“She just broke up with her rebound.” Tara spoke bluntly, grabbing a piece of garlic bread from the kitchen counter and taking a bite of it, shrugging as I looked over at her in disbelief. Colby whistled in response, not knowing about my activities in the past few weeks. 

I decided to grab some garlic bread as well to try and avoid the conversation, looking over at Jake on my couch and laughing at Tara’s banter with him. 

The four of us had just sat around and ate the food, meaningless conversations filling the room as the hours passed by, the other 3 deciding to head out once the sun began to set.

“We’ll see you in a couple of weeks, got some things to do before then.” Tara had said, offering me a hug that I took, wishing I could disappear in her arms. There was nothing more that I wanted than to just disappear from the world, not needing to care about anything else.

Once we all said our goodbyes and the three had parted, I was left alone with my thoughts, pacing my bedroom as I checked my phone, scrolling through instagram without a care in the world. Until I found it.

A post that Colby had made, tagging Sam in it.

Now, usually this wouldn’t affect me too much because I know they’re best friends and run their youtube channel together, but it was the caption that really got me.

Two more weeks until the boys are reunited!

“They haven’t seen each other in more than two weeks?” I said out loud, my brows furrowing in confusion as I reread the caption and kept looking over the post. They were inseparable, what happened now?

(Back to the present)

Inside of my bathroom after a nice, cold shower, my mind was racing with endless possibilities. I had no idea where we were going, no idea who would be there, and Tara had not let up with the secret. I eyed the red dress that I was going to wear for tonight, knowing that nobody has seen me in a dress since the night before Sam and I had broken up. And that dress? Was red.

It was all too ironic for me. But, I pushed that aside as I slipped into the material, not bothering to put anything on underneath because it would show through the tight fabric. I zipped it up with a sigh, applying my makeup and lip gloss with newfound confidence. As I blow-dried my hair, I heard a knock at my front door. “Come in!” I yelled from my bathroom, finishing up drying my hair and fixing it up as I heard the sound of heels clicking against my hardwood floors, getting closer to the bathroom. The door swung open to reveal Tara in her matching style dress, except hers was black. 

She squealed when she saw me all dolled up, her eyes full of excitement. “Are you ready?” She asked, putting her hands on her hips in anticipation. “Almost, just gotta grab my heels.” I responded, turning off the blow dryer and turning off the light in the bathroom, walking to my room to grab the red high heels that Colby had gotten me for my birthday last year. As I put them on, I saw Tara fidgeting nervously in my doorway.

“What’s up Tara? You alright?” I asked cautiously, standing up once the heels were on and grabbing my black purse, placing my wallet and phone inside, along with a portable charger if it were to be needed. She avoided my gaze and I could tell that there was something she wasn't telling me about tonight. I walked over to my dresser and put on a pair of earrings and the matching necklace, remembering when Sam had gotten me them for our 1 year anniversary 3 years ago. 

I could see Tara watching me from the doorway, nervously chewing on her fingernails. I put on a couple bracelets and walked over to her, putting my hands on her shoulders. “Tara? It’s okay. We’re gonna have fun tonight regardless, alright?” I said, trying to comfort her despite not knowing what was causing all of her nervousness. She nodded and smiled, holding her hand out for me to take.

I took her hand and we walked to the front door, walking out and I locked it behind us, putting my keys in my purse. We walked to Tara’s car, getting in and putting our seatbelts on. She turned the music on this time, starting the car with a giggle and reversing out of my driveway, then starting to drive. 

At this point, I still didn’t know where we were going, all I knew was Tara was here with me and I’d be fine if anything happened.

I was wrong.

As soon as we arrived and got out of the car, I spotted Colby walking inside and someone walking with him, the familiar blonde hair sending a wave of nervousness down my spine.

I looked over at Tara and saw her look at me as well, guilt very much apparent on her face. I smiled warmly at her and nodded towards the front door of the house, noticing now that it was a party at Colby’s house, hosted by him and Sam.

Internally, I made a mental note to avoid Sam at all costs, not wanting to start any drama or even interact with the man. We walked into the house and immediately heard the loud music, getting excited already. We walked over to the drink bar and got ourselves some drinks to ease the obvious tension, doing some shots to distract ourselves. Well, more so to distract me. 

I felt myself cower inside as I saw Colby walk over to me, except he was alone. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw him by himself and gave him a hug and a warm greeting. “Tara told me nothing about this, she just wanted me to come.”

“And I’m glad you did. You look great, by the way. You clean up nicely.” Colby had said, looking me up and down and taking in my appearance, a huge contrast from how I normally look. I giggled nervously and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear from his compliment, thanking him quietly with a nod. I felt my gaze lingering around the room, immediately landing on Sam. Surprisingly enough, his gaze was already locked on me. I had to look away as fast as possible so I wouldn’t feel how his gaze was burning holes through me with how hard he was staring.

I hadn’t seen him since the breakup and I never felt like I wanted to. He gave me no reason when he left and it hurt. I quickly ordered another shot and threw it back effortlessly, feeling the burn of the alcohol in the back of my throat and sighing at how good it felt.

I looked up at Colby, clearly showing that I was extremely nervous and needed an escape already. “Where’s the bathroom?”

“Down the hall, 2 doors down on the right.”

“Thank you.” I responded, glancing at Sam once more before darting to the bathroom to get away from his gaze. Once I found it, I entered it quickly and locked it behind me, bracing my back against it and sighing. I felt a sense of horror, alongside betrayal towards Tara. She didn’t tell me that he’d be here, and even though I had brushed it off like it was nothing, it truly hurt me.

I didn’t want to be in any proximity to him and I would do everything I could to make sure I wasn’t-

knock knock knock.

I felt my body freeze in terror as I heard the knocks, recognizing the tone immediately. 

“It’s occupied-” 

My own voice felt foreign to me as I spoke, knowing who was on the other side of the bathroom door.

“Open this door, (y/n).”

I gasped when I heard his voice, the sound of anger and desperation evident in it. I felt my body shake at the tone, not daring to move from the door.

I decided to unlock the door and step back from it, knowing if he wanted to come in so badly, he could open the door on his own.

And he did.

I closed my eyes as I heard the door open, then shut, then lock. Hearing the lock, my eyes widened in surprise and fear, seeing the blonde man that I used to love standing in front of me in pure anger.

“Sam?-” I tried to speak, but he wouldn’t let me. I felt myself get turned around and pinned against the bathroom door, a gasp leaving my lips at the familiar feeling, except this time felt desperate.

“Don’t say a word, (y/n). Let me speak.”

I nodded reluctantly, my eyes locking with his own, taking in the desperation and anger that filled them. I felt terrified, being underneath the man after two years of no contact once the breakup had happened sent a shiver down my spine in anticipation, wondering what he would say.

“Let me start by saying that I never wanted to leave you-”

He tried to speak, but I cut him off, my own anger clouding my thoughts.

“Never wanted to? Then why did you! You hurt me, Sam. You did this-”

This time, he cut me off with a strong hand around my throat, silencing me.

“I said let. me. speak.“  

I felt the raw anger radiating from him as his hand tensed around my throat, then releasing and letting his hand fall back at his side as he realized what he did.

“Look, (y/n), I’m sorry. I was forced to leave, I forced myself to leave you. Because I loved you so much it terrified me. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t want to get hurt either. I just thought that if I broke things off, then neither of us would be hurt.”

“But it didn’t change anything, (y/n). It changed nothing. I love you more than I could’ve ever imagined, and this time without you with me has hurt so badly that I can barely live with myself.”

Dead silence filled the air at his confession, my eyes searching his own for any sign of mockery, but all that I found was raw feelings and desperation, alongside hurt. He had been hurting himself internally when he left, because he thought I couldn’t love him.

“Sam, why didn’t you just tell me? We could’ve worked it out back then-”

“-Because I was scared. I didn’t want you to see me as weak, (y/n). I tried to save myself from being hurt if you decided you didn’t want me anymore.”

I just stood there in disbelief, feeling a surge of different emotions clouding my vision. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt him shudder against me, feeling his own arms wrap around my waist.

“Sam, there isn’t a moment where I didn’t want you, nor will there ever be one. I love you, I always have.”

He pulled back and this time, he was the one to search my eyes for any mockery, but found none. He smiled at me for the first time in years, and I almost cried right there. 

“I’ve missed that smile.” I said softly, one of my hands reaching up to hold his face in the palm of my hand, feeling him relax into my touch with a sigh.

“I’ve missed you.” He said, his eyes staying locked with my own as he leaned in, his forehead resting against my own, a breathy laugh escaping me. He finally leaned down and captured my lips with his own, the two of us moaning in unison as we felt each other’s lips again, a feeling that neither of us could ever get bored of. 

I felt his hunger as he kissed me, his groans music to my ears as I felt his tongue explore my mouth like it was the first time, his hands exploring my body as if he’d found the holy grail. My body arched into his touch, feeling his body press against me, pinning me against the bathroom door once more. The feeling made me shiver in anticipation as he finally pulled away with a smile, both of us panting as if we had just run a mile.

He tapped my hip to signal me to jump up, and I did, my arms tight around his neck as I jumped up, feeling him hold me with ease, noticing the strength he had gained since we had been together last. My eyes were wide in surprise and I giggled as I looked down at him, his smile warming my heart that had once been shattered from his disappearance. 

I felt him lightly grind against me and I gasped, feeling how hard he was already and how much bigger he had gotten. He looked at me for permission, and I nodded, knowing we both needed this more than anything.

“Have you been with anyone since me?” He asked as he set me down, bending me over the bathroom sink with slight roughness. “Yes- But I never felt anything for him-” I said softly as I tried to look back at him, feeling his fingers tangle in my hair and pull me flush against him. I moaned at the pain of him pulling my hair, feeling the roughness in his grasp.

“No? Miss my cock that much?” He said darkly, a rough tone to his voice that I hadn’t heard since the night before we parted, the dirty talk making me whimper and wiggle my hips in anticipation. He chuckled behind me, releasing his grip from my hair. I heard the jingle of his belt as he undid it, a shiver running down my spine. I felt his hand grip my hip tightly and possessively, a grip that would surely leave bruises despite the thin fabric of my dress.

He pulled up the back of my dress and I shivered as I felt the cold air against my core, a newfound roughness radiating from him at my words. I felt him press against my back, his lips close to my ear as he spoke, his voice husky and rough. “You’re gonna take every single inch, baby. And you’re gonna tell me if that bastard ever fucked you as good as I do, yeah?”

I felt my core pulse in want at his words, an involuntary moan releasing itself from my lips at the tone, not used to his dirty talk and forgetting how rough he can be in situations like this. I nodded, but that wasn’t enough for him. He stood up and pulled my hair once more, a yelp coming from me at the unexpected movement. 

“Words, baby. Talk to me.”

“Yes, sir.”

I heard him groan behind me and he released his grip on my hair once more, letting me fall forward and brace myself against the cold marble sink. I felt him press against my core, a whine leaving me in anticipation. When I finally felt him start to enter, the stretch hurt so deliciously and I whimpered in pain, my eyes shutting tight and my grip on the sink so tight that my knuckles turned white. He didn’t stop, he kept pushing in until all of it was inside of me. I felt so full, and yelped when I felt him lean forward to my ear, the movement sending sparks through me. 

“You alright baby?”

I nodded, knowing that the pain would soon subside and then he could move. I heard him chuckle behind me as he stood back up straight, massaging my hips until he knew I was ready. “Seems like that fucker wasn’t as big as me, huh? Couldn’t fill you up like I can?” 

I shook my head with a whimper as I finally felt the pain subside, a soft moan coming from me at his words and the feeling of his cock inside of me, knowing he was thriving in this situation. I heard him growl behind me and he slapped my ass, causing me to yelp at the pain. 

“God, I missed this pussy so much baby, always gripping me so tight, fuck.”

I felt him start to move inside of me, a loud moan eliciting from me as he pulled all the way out and then slamming back in, pushing me forward against the sink. My cheek against the counter as he ruthlessly pounded into me, pulling my hair to pull me flush against him. 

“Did he ever fuck you like this? Huh?” Sam groaned, letting go of my hair to keep a steady harsh and even thrust as his hand gripped my hips tight enough to bruise, knowing for sure there would be marks there tomorrow that would leave people questioning what had happened.

One of his hands let go of my hip to slide down to my clit, rubbing it at a harsh and vigor pace. “Sam! Fuck!” I moaned out loudly feeling the sensations alongside his thrusts getting me closer and closer to the edge with each passing moment.

“Answer the question, baby. Did. He. Ever. Fuck. You. Like. This.” Each word was enunciated with a hard thrust, pushing me against the sink as loud moans continued to flow from my lips, his motions on my clit never once faltering.

“No! God, no-” I moaned out, feeling his pace speed up at my words, my own release getting closer and closer. I heard him groan loudly behind me as I clenched around him, my pussy taking everything he gave and wanting more. 

“Thought so. Gonna cum for me, baby?” He continued his pace, pounding into me relentlessly. He pulled my hair once more to force me to look into the bathroom mirror, his eyes locking with my own almost making me cum on the spot. He looked disheveled, lost in the pleasure. He was giving me everything, making up for everything he did to hurt me.

“I love you, I’m so sorry baby, didn’t mean to hurt you” I heard him mumble as we both got closer, his hand speeding up on my clit to bring me to the edge first. My eyes rolled back as I felt ecstasy flood my body, my thighs quivering so hard that I would’ve for sure fallen if Sam wasn’t gripping my hips as if his life depended on it. 

“Oh yes baby, keep clenching around me like that, fuck. Gonna fill this pussy, mine, You’re mine, all mine.” I felt him speed up, finally releasing inside of me with one long thrust, holding me close against him while we rode out our highs. 

We were both a panting mess as he finally pulled out of me, feeling myself slump against the sink. He reached behind him to grab a washcloth and reached in front of me to turn on the water, making sure it was warm before turning it off and cleaning us both. I sighed contently as I felt him pull the bottom of my dress back down and I lifted myself back up with my hands steady against the sink, giggling softly and turning around to face Sam, watching him pull his pants and boxers back up.

“What?” He said with a chuckle, fastening his belt and looking at me, seeing my tired expression and soft smile. He pulled me into a warm embrace and wrapped his arms around my waist, my arms wrapping around his neck. 

“I missed you.” I said softly, kissing him lightly and pulling back, seeing his soft smile matching my own. He released his embrace and picked me up bridal style, unlocking the door. “I missed you more, baby. I love you.” He said with a soft kiss planted to the side of my head, opening the door and walking back out to where Tara and Colby were standing and speaking. As soon as they saw me in Sam’s arms looking tired with messy hair and messed up makeup, they knew what happened and chuckled together.

“I’m taking her home, we settled everything.” Sam said quietly as he saw me falling asleep in his arms, grabbing my bag from Tara and nodding at them before heading towards the front door and walking out to his car.

I stirred a little in his arms as he walked, feeling him stop as he got to his car, unlocking it and opening the passenger side to set me down on the seat, putting the seatbelt on for me and placing a soft kiss to my forehead. He closed the door, walked over to the driver’s side and opened the door, getting in and closing the door. He put his own seatbelt on and started the car, looking over at my tired self with a soft warm smile.

“I’m glad I didn’t have Tara spoil the party tonight.” I said softly, looking over at Sam with a small smile. I saw him smile back at me with a nod, placing one hand on my thigh as he began driving.

“I’m glad you didn’t either.”

[gaysindistress]

This is definitely not canon at all but yall are gonna let me have this😭

disclaimer: credits to original creator/poster of image/gif. found on google/Pinterest

Astarion x gn!reader

masterlist

So Star Boy, our sweet Astarion, was a magistrate and grew up wealthy, if not nobility in some way. Based on how sarcastic and cunning he can be in the game, I’d bet my left big toe that he used a little shit when he was younger. I’m talking switching the side of the road he’s walking on if he saw a beggar and turning his nose up if they talked to him. We also know that this is somewhat true given how he ended up becoming a vampire. I’m imagining him being very similar to Cressida from Bridgerton; just someone who is miserable and craves feeling important/valued. He needs to make others feel small because he felt worthless growing up and doesn’t know how to cope with the weight of his family’s expectations.

Which leads to me my impossible canon; what if he had a betrothed before he was turned?

What if he was awful to them because he didn’t know how to be kind?

I don’t think he has the ability to be truly awful but I do think he would ignore them, keep a distance, and probably be very short with the poor soul. He’d be dismissive and constantly give them looks because he’s just so angry to be engaged to them. It’s not that they’ve done anything; it’s the fact that he’s being forced to marry someone he didn’t pick himself. Once more his family has taken away his freedom and has forced him to play the part of a noble son.

This betrothal has been in the works for years, maybe even since birth but they haven’t been allowed interact until recently. Sure he’s known that it was some second born of a distant family ally and he’s seen a handful of paintings but that’s all. He’s never spoken to them or truly ever seen them.

It feels like the sky is crumbling around him when he does finally meet his betrothed. Sun breaks through the stained glass windows of the church as astarion stares at the mocking portraits around him. They seem to mock his situation with their out stretched arms that promise freedom and salvation. His boots make sharp and impatient noises as he taps his foot out of frustration. His parents, ever the stunning and elegant figures that they are, whisper as they critique every aspect of their son. Just when he’s about to huff and demand that they leave, the doors swing open and a small crowd of people waltz in. A man and a woman who foil Astarion’s parents stride up to them, murmuring half hearted apologies and excuses. Behind them trails a few servants and the other half of this unwilling couple.

Astarion rolls his eyes at the shy demeanor of his betrothed, cursing any god listening for this entire thing. His mom snaps her fingers and beckons him to her side to make the official introduction.

“Astarion darling, this is your betrothed,” she tells him as the servants fall away and reveal the single most beautiful creature that Astarion has ever laid eyes upon.

“Oh what a pretty little thing,” his father says before Astarion can speak and adds, “it’s shame they’re rather dull minded.”

The look that flashes across his betrothed’s face is one of immense disgust but it’s schooled into one of cool collection. They settle their warm eyes on Astarion and give him a gentile smile as they murmur their greeting.

“What a pretty little thing indeed.” Astarion finds himself saying without realizing it.

When this small spark of admiration bursts into distain is yet to be revealed but rather quickly it does and even the mention of his upcoming wedding makes him ill. Astarion avoids it at all costs and morphs into a bitter husk of himself as it draws closer.

That is until he’s turned.

A part of him is grateful that he’s dead to the world but there’s also a part that feels guilty. The sweet smile didn’t deserve his cruel and cold behavior but then again he didn’t deserve to lose his freedom like that.

Over the years, I’d think he would forget about that part of his life or rather he would lock that memory away. It’s useless to dwell on a ‘what if’ like that when Caz-cunt is alive.

So his pretty little betrothed is scrubbed from his mind and whatever he felt for them is forgotten as well.

Fast forward to when he’s adventuring with Tav. They’ve started what it appears to be a budding relationship (more like a few artfully crafted seductions but that’s not the point). Astartion finds himself falling for Tav and caring for them in a way he never thought possible. There’s a sting in his chest whenever he looks at them but it feels deeper, older than their relationship. It nags at him to remember but to remember what? It feels like it’s always on the tip of his tongue, just out of reach.

His fingers grasp at the tracers of a memory so forbidden that he doesn’t think he could even touch it. At night after hunting, Astarion finds himself staring up at the moon, trying to pick apart his own mind to figure it all out. By morning he’s exhausted and starving again.

During one of his many fruitless nights, he drifts to sleep and wakes up to someone pressing a dagger to his throat.

“Where is your camp?” The shadowy figure demands in a low voice as they gently press the blade against his neck.

“I don’t have one,” he replies, confused by his own quickness to protect his unfortunate companions.

“Lies, where is it?” The blade kisses and lavishes his neck as a prick of blood beads out.

“If you want to keep that hand, I suggest you get off of him and back way,” Tav’s authoritative voice calls out. Astarion can’t see much around the mass that looms over him but he can see that every one of his companions is there with weapons drawn.

The figure makes a disgruntled noise before quickly getting up and backing away with raised hands. They give some bullshit excuse that no one truly believes but Tav is more focused on Astarion to further question them.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” the figure lets slip and earns the full attention of everyone, Tav especially. They position themselves between their lover and this thief, leveling them with a harsh look of judgment.

“Who are you?” Tav demands.

The figure chuckles to themselves as they push their hood off to reveal themselves. A collective shock rings through the group when they finally see the person that got the under hand on Astarion.

“Who I am is unimportant. Why I am here is the question you should be asking.”

Tav shifts from foot to foot, ready to attack as they pose the ‘correct’ question.

The newcomer’s face breaks in an eerily familiar smile as they inform the group that Raphael sent them. They survey the band of ragtag adventurers before them, their eyes quickly scanning over each person but settle on one pale elf.

Chaos seems to erupt in the form of hushed conversations and sharp words but it all falls on deaf ears for Astarion.

All he sees is that perfect facade of a smile and warm eyes that he’s been searching for the 200 years.

“What a pretty little thing you are,” his formerly betrothed murmurs to him and him alone.

[spookysteddie]

Love On Tour

18+ MINORS DNI

cw: mentions of drugs, motions of overdose, bad parents, some hurt. (Let me know if I missed anything)

wc: 1k (sorry shes so short... I've been sick)

...

Dating Eddie Munson was pure bliss. 

The closest to heaven you’ll ever come and you couldn’t be happier. 

The media has been having a field day this past month over Eddie breaking the news during a red carpet interview. You were his date, of course, and he couldn’t keep his hands off of you. When the reporter asked if you two had a title, he just grinned and kissed you right there. The press loved it. 

You parents, however, did not. 

You haven’t spoken to them since the day after that award show. They saw the interview and called you up to scream at you for not listening to them. You sat there and took it, holding back tears and doing all you could to get off the phone with them. You were glad Eddie wasn’t around during that conversation since he doesn’t like when people mock or yell at you.

As for your followers? They eat up any and all content you make with Eddie. The good thing is Eddie really enjoys making content with you. He even let you do his makeup with the biggest smile of his cute face. He also did one of your voice overs for your “spend the day with me” post. 

In private Eddie dotes on you. The second a flower starts to die, he comes home with new ones. He’s on top of texting you through most moments of the day (even though you told him he didn’t have to do that) and he even moved his schedule around once to accompany you to an influencer event. 

He was the most incredible boyfriend ever. 

Now, they’re getting ready to go on a year and a half long tour for their new album. The album you happen to be on the cover of. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous about Eddie going on tour. 

It’s not that you didn’t trust him, not at all. It was the atmosphere that comes with rock and roll tours. Drugs are way easier to access and Eddie has a very hard time saying no. Needless to say you’re scared his band mates are going to call you and let you know he’s overdosed. 

Or worse that he died. 

Now, have you confessed these feelings to Eddie? No, of course not. You two haven’t been together that long and the last thing you need is for him to think you’re suffocating him. In short, you just don’t want to scare him and make him leave you. 

You sit by the stage, watching them practice and watching Eddie and Gareth figure out lighting issues and a set list. It’s nice to see them like this, in their element. They all put so much love and care into everything they do when it comes to their jobs. 

“Hey bunny, I need you for a moment,” Eddie calls, making you look up from the email you’re sending. 

You nod, getting to your feet, “how can I be of service?”

Eddie beckons you up to the stage and you listen, climbing up the steps and standing in front of him with a grin. 

He leaves a small kiss on your forehead. “Okay, I need you to stand right here. I’m going to go around here and see what it looks like from different angles.” 

You nod, taking the microphone so you can speak to him as he moves. “Need me to do anything else?” 

“Yes. I need you to let me know if you think we need to change anything. Okay?” 

You nod again, leaning up to kiss his cheek. He blushes a little before jumping down off the stage. He starts from the floor seats, walking around every section there to make sure everyone has a good view. 

Eddie knows floor seats are tough considering some people are shorter than others. But regardless, he likes to make sure anyone and everyone can see at some point. He moves back to the actual stands. 

“Bunny, I need you to move to the left a little for me please?” His voice carries through the empty stadium. 

You nod and move to the left. The light is right in your face, a little too much and you are shorter than Eddie is. “We might need to move this light. It’s right in my face and I’m seeing spots. I think it’ll wash you out, Eddie.” 

You hear his laugh carry from where he’s standing, “are you saying I’m pale?” 

You giggle a little, “just a tiny bit, honey.” 

He laughs, “maybe we need to take a little week long vacation before we start this tour.” 

Eddie walks to the seats that face the center of the stage. He tilts his head left and right before moving on to the next section. 

And the next. 

And the next.

… 

You wished you could go with Eddie. 

You’d tried, actually. But your schedule had been set long before you met Eddie and you have contracts that you’d signed and now need to fulfill. It hurt your heart that you wouldn’t be there for him. 

It hurt more that you wouldn’t be there to make sure he doesn’t die. 

You lay next to him, head resting on his chest while you listen to his heart. It’s one of your favorite sounds and you swear your beats in time with his. The invisible string theory for sure. He has always been yours, the universe just didn’t let you have him till the time was right. Even if that time came after too much wine.

You feel like he’s been yours much longer than this, like you’ve been lovers in every life. In every timeline. He was your person, your soulmate. And sure that might be insane considering you’ve only been together a little over a month and a half. But you felt it inside. 

You felt it in your bones.

Eddie takes a deep breath, pulling you closer to him and kissing your head in his sleep. You kiss his chest in return and finally fall asleep. You’ll deal with your fear of the tour later.

[loftec]

Shameless DVD Commentary: None the wiser

I was tagged by a lovely anon over at @shamelessdvdcommentary to do this, thank you! Here we gooo

Which fanfic is your DVD commentary about?

The people (11 out of 20) have spoken! None the wiser

Give us some stats - (when you wrote it, word count, how long it took to finish, is it a one-shot/multi-chapter, etc)

First published: 2015-09-23 (coming up on 9 years what is time??)

Last updated: 2021-12-11 (holy heck that's... shit! I'm sorry!)

Words: 218,480 and counting

Chapters: 53/68

What was the initial inspiration for your story?

A little bit of everything, mostly I'd been reading a lot of Shameless fic at the time and really wanted to write something that was both a really quite basic diner/coffee shop AU, but The Most version of it. The slowest burn, the most diner AU. I had no ambition for people to like it but I wanted it to be Known. If anyone ever asked for a diner fic, they'd HAVE to say, well, NTW is The Most diner fic we've got. If someone asked for slow burn, people would sigh and say, WELL, this one over here is the worst, but it is very slow. And also I was inspired by Before Sunrise / Before Sunset, and working in the music industry.

If the story is written from a character’s POV, why did you choose this character?

I chose Mickey specifically because of the Concept, that Ian decides when the chapters start and end (with some exceptions) by going to the diner, but we're limited to Mickey's POV. Generally I think Mickey is easier for me to write, too, he's got a really strong voice and I like looking at the world (and Ian) through his eyes.

What was your favourite scene to write?

The whole banter/walk scene in chapter 44 when they leave the venue:

“Sure you and your lips can do whatever you set your heart to,” he says, “I believe in you.” Ian is silent, and when Mickey risks a glance in the direction of him and his non-trumpeting goddamned marvelous lips, Ian is looking at him like he’s some kind of unsolved mystery. ”What?” Mickey asks, frowning at him when Ian smiles. “Just a thought,” he says. ”You’ve been flirting with me since we first met, haven’t you?”

I had that whole back and forth leading up to the first kiss in my head for years before I got to finally got around to write it and I still love it.

How did you come up with the title?

It's from a song, one of the core songs I associate with this fic. My playlist now has 149 tracks on it, but the ones I consider "core songs" are None the wiser, Day After Tomorrow, Let's Dance, How I Made My Millions, Not Dark Yet, and Mosquitoes. I'm not sure I can explain why, but None The Wiser came on randomly when I was doing dishes and thinking about this fic I was writing, and the vibes just lined up in my head. Also I think it fits this version of Mickey I'm writing, who knows so much and has so much experience, but refuses to understand what's happening when Ian walks into his life.

Are there any little moments or references you hope readers will notice?

Oh, wow. Yeah. I always reference silly little things and I just have to hope people understand them, or tolerate them at least. I think one of my favourite bit of foreshadowing is in chapter 39 when people keep staring at Ian because they obviously recognise him, but Mickey thinks staring at Ian is a completely reasonable thing to do and is mostly just annoyed over how blatant they're being.

Was there anything you struggled to write? If so, how did you overcome this?

I am struggling right now lol, I had meticulous notes for what I wanted to happen for every single chapter up until 45, and now half of them say "they text all day" and I'm like THANKS!!! VERY HELPFUL!! Also life and writers block etc etc.

Favourite line in the story?

This is such a hard choice, so I'll just go with this one from chapter 42:

“So,” Ian says, sitting back to sweep his arms out in a wide motion, presenting his solution. “I think we should go out for breakfast sometime.”

Because to me it pinpoints the moment when Ian breaks the format, in a way? They have met outside the diner before, but only on accident, and here Ian realises that it might be a problem that they only ever hang out at Mickey's job. But metatextually, he also highlights the narrative crux they're stuck in. I don't know, is that a boring favourite line? I have many, and I grabbed the first one I saw so I wouldn't get stuck rereading the whole fic lol. Do you have a favourite line?

Did the storyline change in any way as you wrote the story?

So much, it's hard to believe because there isn't too much of a plot, but so much. My planned ending is so far from what it was when I started out, which is maybe one blessing that comes from how long it's taking me to write it, I have time to rethink things. I can't really talk about it now without spoiling the actual ending, but you better believe I will expose myself once we get to it.

If you are writing a particular trope or genre, was it your first time writing this?

I'd written fic for a different fandom ten years earlier, but nothing in this style I don't think, and this was my first time writing since I was 20 and stopped writing jrock rpf. I suppose I'm still writing about music, though!

What are you most proud about in the story? (plot, characterisation, dialogue, twist/cliffhanger, etc)

One of the things I've always wanted to do with writing for Ian and Mickey is to let them have conversations, have things in common, and be friends. Because I think they were in canon, we just never got to see it (in the first 5 seasons, careful what you wish for). Guess I'm saying I'm proud of the bants!

Are there any deleted scenes that didn’t make it to the final story?

I don't think so! I mean, maybe the last 15 chapters? I kid! They will make it!

Are there any ‘behind the scenes’ info you’d like to share - e.g. what’s going on in a characters head in a certain scene or how you came to write a certain line?

There is one line Ian says where, when I wrote it, I was like; this is the first time Ian thinks "I love you" but says something else. Cannot remember what or where right now, and I don't want to try and find it, it's late! Submit your guesses here, I might find it over the weekend if I have some time to look. Also, it's like one of those silly I love yous, one of the early ones, full of potential and feeling but perhaps lacking a bit in substance, but he thought it and I saw him thinking it!

Reading back the story now, is there anything you’d change or add?

Eh *coughs* I might already have, and I apologise. The worst part about writing something this slowly and posting the chapters as I go is that the fic isn't finished and so I feel like it's fine for me to sometimes go back and edit already published chapters. It's not right but I... will still do it. Sorry! A most embarrassing example is when, not too long ago, we discussed the layout of the diner here and I went back to the first chapter to see how I had described it, and it had changed in so many ways over the years? Small round tables?? The tables haven't been round since 2016!! So that's a very clear case of something having become canon for all the hundred little times I've thought of the tables as square while writing vs that one time in chapter one I carelessly said they were round.

Would you ever write a sequel to this story?

Yes! So many! Or maybe not a sequel, that suggests another part of equal size. But little bits of stories, yes!

If you’ve chosen your most popular story, are you surprised by the popularity?

Yes! Like I said, my only aim was to annoy my way to fandom infamy. Turns out it's so much more fun to actually connect with people and write something with someone else in mind, besides myself. I feel so lucky that so many people have connected with NTW over the years <3

Were you nervous or excited to post this story?

Mostly just excited, I think! I still am, whenever I get to post something : )

Did you have a beta or a friend who helped you as you wrote?

No, I probably should have but I have a very hard time showing things to people when they're not finished.

Ask your followers to pick a snippet (no more than 500 words) and share your thoughts about it.

Add snippets in the replies and I'll share thoughts, if you want!

Thanks for reading! <3 <3 <3

[jasntodds]

Penance [3]

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 10,943

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, a little bit of angst, some fluff, mentions of death, mentions of injuries, the case jason is working is a reference to red hood: lost days

Summary:❝Thesus: Stop. Give me your hand. I am your friend. Herakles: I fear to stain your clothes with blood. Thesus: Stain them. I don’t care.❞

It’s been a month and a half since Crane’s reign of terror was stopped, leaving Gotham to finally return to normal. But, what is normal? After everything Jason and you have been through, it seems normal might be some unobtainable dream state. But that’s not going to stop either of you from trying and maybe, you’ll get lucky in the end. At the end of it, the two of you have suffered enough, right?

Right?

A/N: I'm so sorry for the late chapter!! I had family from out of town here that I haven't seen in like 15 years lol and then I was sick lol You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary  and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

You head home, the smile not leaving your face. Despite your thing for running, you've been doing better. You got better about it before Jason died. And you're choosing tonight, to not run from it. A part of you thought maybe you would because Jason deserves better. But your heart beats to the sound of his name. And there is nothing you’ll ever be able to do about it. He has ruined you for anyone else and you can’t even be mad because you only ever want him anyway. Even if that means friends. So, instead of running and punishing yourself tonight, you let the smile plaster itself over your face and you let your heart beat wildly while your stomach spins with butterflies.

Molly’s attention is pulled to the door as you lean against it, closing it.

“Hey.” Moly chimes. “How’d it go?” She asks, seeing the lazy smile across your face, gathering hope for her friends.

“Good.” You push off the door before you kick off your shoes. “Tim suspects nothing. I’m sure he will at some point and we’re gonna start tomorrow.” You explain, noticing the laptop open in front of Molly but seeing Goodreads open instead of anything of importance, immediately telling you Molly's been waiting for you.

“Oh, we’re?" Molly beams with a teasing grin. "So you guys talked?” Molly's eyes track you as you walk over to the sink.

“Yes.” You answer and the smile doesn't budge. “We train Tim tomorrow.” You state casually as you grab a small bag of Cheetos from the cabinet beside the sink.

Molly eyes you as you jump onto the counter, sitting to face Molly before opening your bag of Cheetos. You offer no other explanation. No part of Molly should even be surprised because of course, you aren't going to give her any detail unless she asks specific questions.

“You haven’t spoken to him in a month and a half. You’ve been asking about him at least every other day. And that’s it?”

You sway your feet, not quite letting your heels touch the cabinet below you as you shrug. “It’s kind of weird. I don’t know.” You shake your head before eating a Cheeto. “It was really nice to see him though.” Your voice is soft as you divert your eyes to the bag in your hands, a tender smile on your lips.

Molly's chest warms with your response. It's not that you've been miserable or even all too unhappy over the last month. It's just that it's very clear something is missing. It's clear that it's been hard for you and some of that is your own doing to yourself. Tonight, you seem calm, not as on edge as you usually are. Before tonight, it was as if you were just anticipating something horrible to happen at any second but now you're sitting peacefully on the counter, your face clear of any worry lines and your brows aren't tugged together in thought. It's a bit of a relief from where Molly is sitting.

“Are you done punishing yourself?” Molly asks.

You snap your attention back to Molly before you scoff. “What?”

“You’re punishing yourself for what happened." Molly states simply. You won't explain hardly anything about your own blame. Molly isn't sure if it's just the death of Jason or if it's the whole fallout after, maybe both. But, Molly does know you and she knows you've been punishing yourself, regardless on if you'll ever talk about it. "Are you done? Now that you got to talk to him. I told you, he’s doing okay.”

“You always said you’re worried.” You point a Cheeto at Molly, intentionally avoiding the question.

“There will never be a point in time I’m not worried about him. He's Jason. Red Hood, Robin, just Jason. He’s always up to something.” Molly states with a soft laugh.

“Yeah, yeah, he is.” You let out a sigh. “I just…I really didn’t think he wanted to talk.” You shrug your shoulders. “I didn’t want to intrude on his space and ruin something for him, ya know? I mean…he died and he was really getting help and trying to get better, I didn’t wanna call and ruin that for him.” You shake your head as you chew the inside of your cheek.

That is not the full reason but it is the reason you're willing to say. You know if you tell Molly everything, Molly will tell you that it’s ridiculous. She’ll say it’s been forgiven. She’ll tell Jason and Jason will feel guilty, probably. Jason will bring it up so it doesn’t eat you alive. It's not something you want at all right now. So, you stick with half the story.

“I get it.” Molly nods her head. “At least you guys are talking now.” Molly smiles softly. "I could have told you he wanted to talk though if that was all you needed to know."

"Did he say something?" You question almost a little too quickly, making Molly laugh.

"No." Molly shakes her head. "But he always asked about you. He was asking Gar, too." Molly explains simply as she watches your brows furrow. "He wouldn't have if he didn't want to talk. You two have got to learn how to communicate."

"You're talking to Gar?" You ask, bypassing the entire point of Molly's explanation.

"Yeah?" Molly questions easily but she takes a page from your book and offers no other explanation. "Don't change the subject."

You let out a chortle. "Pretty sure all of our problems would be solved if we communicated." You scrunch your nose before finishing off your Cheetos.

"Okay, so we're in agreement. So, tomorrow, you're gonna see him and tell him that you still think about him all the time and this time a part was a huge waste of time?" Molly gives you a cheeky grin.

You nod quickly before flipping her off with the raise of your brows, making Molly just laugh in response. “I’m gonna shower and head to bed though. I will update you when there is something to be updated on with the Jason front.”

“Thank you.” Molly beams with sarcasm.

Meanwhile, Jason is with Tim. Tim has a lot of questions, that’s for sure. You said he was insistent but Jason had no idea. Tim has been asking questions ever since you left and it’s not even annoying. He just wants to know things about Robin and Batman, being a vigilante, stuff about Jason. Jason finds it a bit funny because it's very reminiscent of his early days as Robin, filled with questions and hope. Tim wants to know about Red Hood but he avoids asking about his death. It’s mostly what he’s doing now and how it all works. He asks about his Robin days. Jason doesn’t talk a lot about them but he tries to offer something that isn’t bitter or sad or discouraging for Tim.

“Think I’ll find Venta?” Tim asks, changing up his line of questioning for a minute.

“Don’t know.” Jason shrugs before he takes a squig of his beer. “If y/n can’t figure it out with you, might not even be in the city.” Jason lies with ease.

“What do I do then?” Tim is desperate for this mission to go smoothly. It's his first time as Robin and he doesn't want to let Dick down.

“Go back to Metropolis.” Jason states.

“Yeah, I guess.” Tim lets out a defeated sigh.

If anyone knows what it's like to not want to disappoint someone like Dick, it's Jason. It's hard and he doesn't fault Dick for this plan. Jason will give it to him, it makes sense, it's a good idea. But, Tim isn't going to find Venta and Jason feels for him.

“Boyfriend, huh?” Jason changes the subject in hopes of taking Tim's mind off of Venta for at least a second.

“Uh, yeah.” Tim nods his head, shifting in his seat. “Bernard.” Tim's heart weighs heavy in his chest.

Jason nods once. “How long has he been in the coma?”

“A while.” Tim says sadly.

Jason watches Tim fiddling with his half-empty water bottle in front of him. All things considered, Jason thinks Tim is handling everything well, at least on the outside. Jason is certain if you were the one in the coma, Dick wouldn't get him to leave under any circumstance. He'd be fighting tooth and nail until you were out of the coma, even if that maybe would not be the smartest or best route.

Usually, Jason is really good at compartmentalizing, partially through training with Bruce and partially due to trauma. But, anytime it ever came to you, it got a little muddied. He could still be Robin, no problem but in a situation like Tim is in, Jason isn't so sure he'd be able to work anything else until he knew you were okay. Tim seems to be able to put his emotions, his anger and care for others, aside for what must be done. Dick still isn't always the best at it.

Jason thinks this might make Tim a better Robin.

“Hey, the Titans will figure out. Always do.” Jason assures him.

"Yeah." Tim lets out a sigh with a soft nod, hoping he's right. “Can I ask you something?”

“You’ve been asking me shit.” Jason quips back.

“How’d you do it?” Tim asks bluntly. “Y/n said she’s been hurt a lot. Doing this. How’d you deal with it?”

Being here is not as easy as Tim is making it seem. The excitement of this is definitely helping but Bernard is still in the back of his head. Every time Gar or Dick or Conner text him, he almost has a panic attack, terrified it'll be bad news about Bernard. He feels like he's not helping and if anyone should be helping his boyfriend, it should absolutely be him. But, Dick is the leader and he can't just go against him. Tim still needs to prove that he can be a good Robin. It's as if he's being torn in two and maybe Jason isn't the best person to ask given everything but Jason is at least very honest.

“Cuts and bruises are different than a coma." Jason states, unsure how else he's supposed to answer.

"You know what I mean, man." Tim almost groans with a plea.

Jason pauses for a few seconds, knowing he doesn't exactly have an answer. The person he should be asking is you because if you can get up and continue this after everything, anyone can. For Jason, it's always been that he has no choice. It's always been about survival, it's still about survival. He can't just sit around and hope for the best. Jason's never been sit around and wait person anyway. Something has to be done. Unfortunately for Tim, that's about all the advice Jason is going to be able to give him.

“Just do it.” Jason answers. “Moping about it isn’t going to help. You get up and do something.”

“I’m here.” Tim states.

“Because Dick needed you to do something. That’s still doing something, right?” Jason raises though he does understand Tim's argument.

“Yeah, but shouldn't I be there to help?” Tim asks. “This is great, ya know? On my own, being Robin! It’s like the coolest thing ever. But, why couldn't this wait?” Tim shakes his head with a soft scoff.

“I’m sure he’s got his reasons.” Jason assures him. "Look, man, Dick's doing what's best for you to be Robin and you know they're trying to figure it out. This is still helping." Jason tries to offer some reason to Tim before he gets to his feet. “Come on. I’ll show you your room.” Jason jerks his head towards the door. “Don’t sweat it, alright? Dick’s got it handled.” Jason states and it’s still a little weird having a little faith in Dick but given all of the events that happened, Dick hasn’t given Jason too hard of a time when they’ve talked.

Jason shows Tim to a room. It’s not much. A TV and a couch, that’s mostly it but it’ll do. Tim won’t be in Gotham long anyway. Jason fetches him a blanket and tells him he has free reign of the place, just don’t break anything and then he’s off to his own room.

He’s switched rooms since the last time you were here. The mattresses is sat up against the north wall but he has an ensuite bathroom. The door to the ensuite is a few feet from the mattress, the head of the mattress and the doorframe on the same wall. Two dressers stand on the wall opposite. He has a turn table and some vinyls. A bookshelf stands tall, loaded with books right next to the bedroom door. It is not much, especially compared to the Manor and the Tower but it’s his. And it’s the things he likes.

Jason heads for the shower, expecting to get it done and over with before trying to get some sleep. But, despite feeling fine all day, something starts feeling wrong. He thought he felt fine, all things considered, but as he tugs his hoodie and shirt over his head, his hands start to shake. They’re practically vibrating right off on his wrists and his heart starts to thunder in his chest. Something in his body feels wrong, like something is going to melt out of his ears. It gets harder to breathe and his head gets dizzy. There's a feeling like maybe his eyesight might start to go next while his hands grip the edge of the sink to stabilize himself. Every muscle in his legs starts to feel numb and weak while the shaking has moved up to his elbows. His arms feel like cinderblocks so he slams his eyes shut and tries to breathe.

He doesn’t know what this is. It doesn’t feel quite like a panic attack. Those always felt explosive. They are loud in comparison. But this? This feels quiet and it feels sharp, deafening. It creeps on him and then hits him in full force when he’s not looking. It always passes but it scares the shit out of him that this might not just be a bad panic attack. What if the Pit is calling him back? He hates the thought but he knows it has to, right? Because being alive doesn’t feel quite right either. Nothing feels quite right anymore.

The feeling starts to pass in a few minutes while Jason looks to the mirror. He hates that white streak. Dick didn’t even get it. Jason gets dunked in the Pit and Jason comes back a monster with a white streak of hair, feeling like he’s going to be ripped back to his own grave in a matter of time. Dick on the other hand seems fine and his hair is fucking normal. What the fuck is even up with that?

There aren’t any bruises decorating his face and he can’t help but think you might have been relieved. You always were. But, you don’t see the y scar staring back at him in the mirror or the red and black bruises over his torso from the other night. He is thankful for that. They hurt. Jason doesn’t waste much more time on it before he gets in the shower. He has to get up early, an appointment with Leslie and all.

By the time the next day rolls around, you pick up Tim from Jason's, Jason nowhere to be found. All you got was that he had left early and he said he'd be back later. Very Jason not to give out any form of detail. And maybe you're a little disappointed you missed him. But, you don't show it as you and Tim head off to Harbor, Tim hoping to find Venta while you're just playing along. Mostly, you want to see how he interrogates people, see if he's any good at it. Tim has never seemed the violent type but you're thinking him as Robin might surprise you since he's so dedicated to the cause.

So, the two of you go and you spend a few hours doing this. You take a backseat, watching as Tim tries to get answers. You give out pointers whenever he lets someone go because he's not the best at it. He's not bad but you feel like he can do better. He can figure out anything, he just needs to get better at threatening people even though you know these people are in fact innocent so you're not actually inciting violence this time. Innocent people don't need to get hurt just so Tim can learn how to be Robin.

After a few hours, you suggest you head back, clearly you aren't going to find anything out. And you're hungry. Tim reluctantly agrees, mostly because you suggested you visit his parents really quick, grab some food, and head back. So, you do, making casual conversations on the way.

By the time you get back, you find Jason in his own training room, the room you were in last night. He's at the monitors working on something but spins around in a chair once you and Tim walk in, Tim holding a take-out bag.

"Got you food." Tim states, digging in the bag for Jason's.

Jason's eyes dart to you as you take your mask off and offer him a soft smile. "I'm gonna change. Don't touch my food..." Your eyes narrow at Jason. "Jason."

"I don't eat your food." Jason snarks back as he takes the container from Tim.

"The fuck you do." You quip back before you spin on your heels, heading to the bathroom down the hall.

You change quickly, ready to just eat your lunch. You still go to Excellent Gotham a few times a week and you're still not bored of it. Once you're in your street clothes, you head back to the room to find the boys practically scarfing down their food with Jason still sat by the monitors and Tim at the small table.

"Where were you this morning?" You ask as you take a seat beside Tim.

"Busy." Jason answers, mouth full of food. "Something for Babs." Jason lies, keeping it casual.

It's not that he cares if you know he's going to see Leslie again or that he cares much if Tim knows. It's that he doesn't want to get into it. There's still a lot of work to be done and it's his work to be done so he keeps it close to his chest.

"Right." You nod your head, eying him carefully before you open your own take-out container.

"She's got you working something, right?" Jason asks, careful not to make it seem like he's brushing you off entirely.

"Yeah, seems like it's just the one guy running shit but there might be more to it." You explain as you eat.

"So you guys just work with the commissioner?" Tim asks as he looks between the two of them.

You and Jason glance between each other before you both shrug your shoulders.

"Kind of." You answer.

"Basically." Jason answers. "There's some shit the GCPD can't do because of red tape or legal reasons so she sends us."

"We have to make money somehow." Sam says sarcastically.

Tim shakes his head. "Do you ever get used to it? I mean this has been awesome over the past few weeks."

Jason looks down at his food. He would not say someone just gets used to it, not really. There is always some form of excitement that takes over when he puts a suit on and he goes out. There's always some form of excitement facing off with people who can kill him and who want to kill him. That part is slightly different now, he almost feels just the tint of anxiety. Death became a reality and he is not invincible but he goes out. It's still something he genuinely feels good about. It's different and there isn't this huge sense of pride with it anymore but he still likes it. It's not so much that someone just gets used to it.

"Not really." Jason answers softly.

You don't think you'll ever be used to it. It's a routine, sure. That part of the job you're used to but everything else? Not so much. You still absolutely love doing it but it's different than before. It almost felt somewhat of an obligation then, living with the Titans and then Batman and Robin. But now, it's entirely your choice. This is your choice to do this and that is cathartic in a way. You're taking control of your life but that doesn't mean you're used to going out and willingly putting yourself in front of gunfire and a bunch of people who want to kill you. You aren't used to the pain that comes with it. Maybe going out every night to protect people is something someone gets used to but possibly dying for other people with such violence is not. Losing people to this life is not.

"I don't think so." You answer honestly.

The three of you continue your meals, Tim finishing first. He's back on his feet as soon as he's done, rushing to throw away his takeout dish as Jason and you watch him. He's still got the suit on and he doesn't look like he's going to change. Something about it makes you think this is probably how Jason was when he first got the suit. He probably slept in it.

"I'm gonna go back out there." Tim declares to the room.

Jason looks to you and you look to Jason. Are either of you supposed to stop him? He looks pretty determined. Stopping him might seem suspicious. Stopping him might be worse off for his training.

"You think you'll find anything out?" Jason questions.

"I have to. It's my job." Tim states and that's when you know you should let him go alone.

"Call if you need anything. Keep your phone on and I'll have Molly track it in case you get into any trouble like you did last night." You offer a simple smile.

"Right...yeah okay, thanks." Tim gives you a sheepish smile before he darts right out of the room, the bo staff in hand.

"He's gonna get his ass kicked." Jason mutters.

"Definitely." You nod your head.

"Why'd you let him go then?" Jason nearly chortles as he takes another bite.

"Why didn't you stop him?" You chortle right back. Tim is also Jason's job. "He has a job to do and we'll never be able to train him in any of this if he actually thinks he can do it. I get Dick is building confidence or whatever but Tim's detective skills will only get him so far." You state.

"That's why I didn't stop him." Jason laughs with the shake of his head.

The room falls silent as you both continue your food. You text Molly letting her know about Tim and just to keep an ear out in case something hits the fan and you and Jason need to go help him. Tim is only supposed to be asking questions, he should be fine until he gets back so you aren't too worried and neither is Jason.

"Still the Shimmer case?" You ask as you toss your takeout away.

"Uh, yeah and another one." Jason states, turning back to the monitors, pulling up a few missing posters for kids.

"More missing kids?" You question as you take a seat beside him.

"Nope." Jason starts, shaking his head in annoyance. "We know where most of them are which is the problem." Jason huffs.

"Do I even want to know?" You ask cautiously with a grimace.

"They've got them spread out across the city but anytime anyone gets close, they move. I think it's someone in the department running it." Jason explains, glancing to you. "Made a whole fucking business of selling kids."

"Fucking gross." You grimace as you tug your sleeves over your hands. "Are they keeping them in Gotham though?"

"These ones." Jasn pulls up about ten posters as he gestures to the screen. "We haven't gotten a sighting or word about in about two weeks so I don't think so. But the others we've seen here and there or heard something. Babs wants me to be careful, track who I can until I find the one running it. Then let her take it from there." Jason lets out a bitter scoff, still hellbent on fighting Babs tooth and nail over this one.

"Right, but you're Jason Todd who doesn't do that. So what are you actually going to do about it?" You ask with hope Jason will take it into his own hands. Anyone who's willing to just sell kids for who knows what, shouldn't be able to get locked away and then let free to do it all over again in a different city.

"Scare him out into the open and then kill him. Selling fucking kids. No one gets to just go through the fucking justice system that'll let them out to do it all over again. Babs is gonna be pissed but I don't fucking care." Jason huffs, determination written over every line of his face.

"Good, fuck that guy." You scoff and you'd be lying if you didn't want in. "Need any help?" You ask, keeping your eyes on the screen to not seem too eager about offering help.

Jason laughs softly. "I thought you didn't team?" Jason quips, looking back at you with the raise of his brows. It's the same look he always gave you when he just wanted to watch you squirm, the question at hand not even being a real question.

Your heart starts to thunder in your chest again and maybe sitting so close to him was just your subconscious because you swear you didn't do it on purpose. It's the way he grins back at you just as he always did whenever he was trying to fuck with you. Before, before things got all messy and real, he'd scoot closer to you and wiggle his brows. But, he doesn't. He keeps his signature smirk as your eyes are locked on his. You forgot how much you love the color green.

"That wasn't a no and I thought you didn't team anymore." You quip back, leaning your elbow on the table, resting your head on your hand as your brows raise at him.

He'd always team with you if you asked.

"Could make an exception." Jason raises back.

"Aw, just for me?" You scrunch your nose at him.

"Could be fun." Jason teases as his heart erupts into pooling lava.

"Could be." You nod your head, chewing the inside of your cheek. "Loser."

Jason lets out a laugh. "Actually, yeah, I think you can help." Jason cuts it short pulling a mug shot of a woman you helped last week. "Know her right?"

"Yeah, she was one of the women I got out of the ring I'm working. She flipped." You state.

"Rumor has it, she was working with my guy first." Jason explains.

"Right, and he got bored as they do, recruit someone else." You state.

"Think you could talk to her?"Jason asks. "She'll know, at least, who he is, could fucking help."

"She wouldn't give us any names." You shrug before your brows furrow. "You said you guys think he's working for the department?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, she bypassed the whole system and clearance Babs set up. She's not in the program either. I checked. Babs said it was some sort of glitch or something but I don't think she believes it." You explain.

"Well, what about her friends? We can try to find her but until then, what about her friends?" Jason asks, knowing someone had to slip at some point. The more people involved, the harder it is to keep secrets. People love telling secrets.

"Yeah, yeah, uh...we have a few we're watching and one in our program. I can try." You offer with a simple nod.

"Thank you." Jason offers a subtle, closed-mouth smile.

"Of course, happy to help." You offer the same smile back.

The room falls silent between you while you watch Jason look over his monitors. He really has the whole setup now. Scans over the city, security system, alerts. It reminds you a little of the Batcave and Titans tower. You and Molly don't have quite the extensive system Jason does but it works for you. You're happy he's got it all laid out though. It makes her feel like he might be being a little safe out there, maybe taking a little extra caution for his life.

Jason glances at you and he wonders how this would be different if so much time hadn't passed, if things were different between you. He wonders if you'd be more of a team, working these missions together. He wonders if you'd be here with him or if you'd still live with Molly. Would you still take up a different part of the city? That actually would make more sense. Three vigilantes spread out can cover more ground but he thinks about it anyway. Would you be training together still? Would you meet up halfway through patrol for a quick snack by his favorite gargoyle or the roof near the wolf enclosure at the zoo? Too much time passed and he really wishes it wouldn't have.

It's for the best, he tells himself over and over to try and convince himself it is. He wants you so bad still that it is killing him but he can't let you down like he did before. That is not fair and he's worried he's not ready. And this is the second time you've spoken in a month and a half. That doesn't seem fair to even spring it on you. But you should know, right? Jason wonders if you should or maybe too much time has passed there, too. Maybe you think his feelings have changed with the lack of contact.

They haven't. They never could.

He just wants you to be happy even if it's not with him.

Jason clears his throat. "How have you been anyways?" Jason answers, trying to ease his own thoughts. "Molly and Gar said you're okay." Jason says softly and he says it on purpose, testing the waters.

Your brows pull together, watching as the corner of his mouth pulls up just slightly. The honesty of him asking your friends is new. "You asking about me, Jay?" The sarcasm isn't as strong as it normally is as if you're genuinely surprised he's being blunt about it but you aren't mad. Molly mentioned it last night but you didn't press, thinking it didn't mean much but with Jason stating it, it has to.

Jason shrugs. "I know you ask about me." Jason quips back grinning back at you, taking a shot in the dark with his assumption. If he's been asking, he's hoping you were, too.

Of course, you do but you want to know how he knows that. And then you remember. Jason Todd knows every single thing about you, inside and out. Even in his worst mental health days, somewhere deep inside his guarded heart, he knows you always loved him. Of course, you've asked about him. You have to. You don't want to live in a world where you don't check on him. It would be a dull and grey world and that's just not one you want to live in.

You suck your teeth, an uncontrollable smile coming to your face. "I always have to check on you." You say quietly, looking to the screens. Jason wants to combust. "I, uh, yeah, I've been okay." You pull in a breath, not letting your words linger in the air for too long. "Living with Molly is different but it's nice." You nod your head quickly. "How are you?"

"Good." Jason answers. "Yeah, it's uh, it's cool being away from Bruce and being able to do my own thing." Jason nods his head.

You tilt your head, narrowing your eyes. "Why are they worried about you then?" You question carefully.

"They're always worried, like you." Jason quips.

"Because you always give us reason to be worried." You widen your eyes at him.

"I don't fucking know, honestly. Think they just are." Jason clears his throat again, desperately wishing people didn't worry so much about him. It makes the guilt heavier. "After everything."

"Yeah, that's, uh, yeah, t-that makes sense." Your face falls as Jason watches the sadness rip itself across your features.

"What about you? They're worried about you, too." Jason nods his head up at you.

You pull in a breath. "Uh...yeah it's just...I don't know." You shake your head. "Same reason maybe and uh, just...being out there." You nod your head, omitting the parts about some nightmares and some reckless tendencies that were not there a few months ago.

"You sure you're alright?" Jason asks as his eyes narrow slightly as if he has some sort of sixth sense always telling when something's going on with you.

There's a single second where you almost bear it all to him. You almost tell him why you picked a fight last night and why you never called. You almost tell him why you patrol more than he does -- according to Molly. There's a part of you that almost wants to tell him because you would have before. But that was before, this is now. It's different now. He doesn't have to carry it for you anymore. It's not fair to him.

You nod. "Yeah, are you sure?" You point a finger to your head.

"Yeah, yeah, uh I've been seeing Leslie." Jason admits despite him wanting to keep it close to his chest. He can always tell when something is picking at you, he considers this an olive branch, an offering of acknowledgment that he's still here. He watches you take a breath, relief almost washing over your face. "It's helping a little." Jason nods his head. "Maybe you and Bruce were right about it." Jason lets out a soft chuckle.

"I'm usually right about most things." You smirk right back at him. "I'm glad you're going and that it's helping." You smile softly at him, genuinely relieved he decided to go back. "You look really good, Jay."

"So do you." Jason whispers softly.

The words "I miss you" choke through Jason's throat, shredding the flesh into pieces. They get stuck and seep into the open wounds, reabsorbing themselves right into his flesh as the blood drowns them from ever coming to the surface. Before, you always told each other you missed each other but something about the words now feel too weighted. There's too much emotion tied to them. There are too many feelings tugged onto every single letter. The words will never be simply platonic again because how can they be?

He misses the way your hand would run through his hair after he's had a nightmare. And the way you'd kiss his head lazily before you'd eventually fall asleep. He misses the way you'd tell him you love him as if it's the only words you'd ever known and how even when they were said lazily and with sleep still in your eyes, they all weighed the same. It always meant the same. He misses being able to tell you everything and being able to expose his worst parts to you without ever being judged. And how your hand fit perfectly in his and the way you'd warm up her hands with her powers before rubbing out the knots in his back. He misses how you'd kiss him and immediately start smiling as if it is the one thing that would make you happy even on your worst day.

He misses the way you were allowed to love each other.

You almost pick up your hand and run it through the white streak of hair just to mess with it. You almost do but catch yourself. Maybe if you were still friends who had talked over the last month, you would have but not now. You don't want to invade his personal space. Jason has always been a bit skittish. You remember some of the first times you stepped into his space, touched him in ways he didn't seem to expect. He'd freeze, his entire body would tense as if you were going to hurt him even if all you did was rest your hand on his cheek. Over time, he'd relax but you remember that and it breaks your heart. You wonder if he'd freeze like that again or if he'd relax eventually.

"So," You pull in a breath. "This is officially your new place?" You ask as you look around the room.

"Yeah," Jason chuckles, his eyes still locked on you. "Did ya want a tour?" Jason offers.

"Yeah, actually that'd be cool." You laugh softly as Jason stands up.

He shakes his head and then offers you his hand on purpose. "Come on." Jason jerks his head.

You look at his hand and then back his eyes. Your hand goes into his as you get up. He drives you crazy and maybe this isn't the cat-and-mouse game you always played but you offer it anyway, for old times' sake.

"Shithead." You mutter once you're to your feet and your hand is back at your side.

Jason laughs this soft laugh that feels the way the first 'I love you' does. "Babe." Jason says back, for old times' sake.

The two of you start the tour. It's not a house. It's an orphanage that closed down years ago. You find it a bit ironic this is one of the places he picked but you keep it quiet. So, Jason leads you around, showing you some of the rooms and explains some of the things he wants to do. He wants one of them to be a library because of course he does. Another room he wants to dedicate solely to a kitchen and another to a training room, weight room, monitor room like the Batcave. There's another one he wants just for a shooting range to keep it all contained. You swear he has it all figured out. And then you get to his bedroom, last on the tour because it was furthest away from where you started.

You nod your head, looking at the bookcase. "Makes sense." You point to it. "I'm glad you don't have to hide it." You nod your head at him with a soft smile, the scrapbook page you made him for his birthday does not go unnoticed on top of the bookshelf.

Jason looks to the floor, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Yeah, it's nice." Jason looks around with a subtle smile.

"I really like it, Jay." You say honestly. "Do you like it?"

Jason looks around some more feeling a sense of warmth and and pride in his chest. "Yeah, I do." Jason nods. "It's not the manor or anything."

"You always said the manor wasn't the real you anyway. This the real you?" You ask.

Jason pulls in a breath, his eyes still scanning around the room. He isn't sure if it's all him, really. It's hard to tell these days what's really him and what's leftover from his previous life. It's hard to tell if those two things can bleed into one or if the past him died with the crowbar. He likes to think this will be the real him. Better. But, you always knew him better than anyone, sometimes better than he knew himself.

"You tell me." Jason shrugs softly as his eyes land back on you.

"I think so." You give him a tender smile. "Simple, repurposing something left to rot. Making it into something good. I think it's very you. And I do not think it is a coincidence that there are empty rooms." You offer him a cheeky smirk with a soft laugh. "Expecting guests at some point."

Jason chuckles as his cheeks start to burn. "Shut the fuck up." Jason glances to the floor and then back to you before he gestures a hand out. "You planning on needing a place to stay?" Jason quips.

"If you're offering." You quip back and you watch him shift his weight to his right leg before rolling his shoulders.

Jason's heart skips a beat right into his throat. "What? Bored of Molly already?"

"Nah, just fun to fuck wit you, still." You tease him with a toothy grin.

"Right." Jason scoffs but a smile is on his face, maybe his heart sinks a little even if he knew it was a joke to begin with.

The room falls silent and something about this doesn't feel right. It's weird not living together with no thought of ever living together again. You've always been just fine on your own and you love living with Molly but it's always Jason you wish were there when you get home. Missing him has become routine but not in a way you ever get used to. Missing him is just there, all the time. It's exhausting missing him.

"Might have to take up the offer though when I get hurt." You clear your throat, tugging your sleeves down. Jason's brows furrow at you. "Molly fusses over it."

"You planning on getting hurt anytime soon?" Jason asks as concern washes over his face.

"No." You scoff. "I just mean...ya know?" You shrug your shoulders.

Molly isn't squeamish. She never has been, not from what you remember prior to your mom dying. But, you got hurt your first week living with Molly and it really wasn't anything. It was just a long cut, not too deep, won't even scar. But, Molly fussed over it and there was a lot of blood. You aren't too oblivious to know why Molly suddenly fusses over blood. You just can't tell Jason that, it's not fair to him.

"It's Molly, she worries." You brush it off.

Jason nods his head with understanding, sensing there's something more but he chooses not to dig. "You're always welcome to stay." Jason pulls in a soft breath with a subtle smile.

"Thanks, Jay." You give him a small and shy smile.

"Of course." Jason says softly and he decides to leave it there. "Wanna keep waiting for Tim? Check on him?"

"We should. If something happens, Dick will kill us." You laugh softly.

"Yeah, we aren't fighting for once, don't wanna get back there." Jason chuckles as the two of you head back to his current training room.

The two of you take your seats beside each other. You get a text from Molly letting you know everything with Tim seems okay from where she's sitting. So, the two of you wait on the monitors, figuring he'll be fine. Nothing too bad has been going down around Harbor anyway.

A few hours later, Tim comes back looking quite a bit defeated. He greets the two of you before he heads off to change. Jason and you actually feel bad for him. He has so much hope of getting this done when there isn't anything to get done. You both entirely understand why Dick sent him on a fake mission. It makes perfect sense and in a way, it's teaching him he is not perfect. He won't win all of them and he can ask for help. That's when you both realize that is likely Dck's real point. You both can step it up.

Tim walks back in a few minutes later still looking a little defeated. The case is in one hand and his bo staff is in the other. He puts the case down against the wall and takes a place on the mat in the middle of the room. You let out a soft laugh. Apparently, part of being a vigilante is needing to train in order to work out frustration.

"Follow my lead." Jason whispers to you right before he gets up and heads over to the fridge while Tim is moving his staff through the air and between his hands.

"I asked everybody down on Harbor about this guy, Venta. And nobody's heard of him." Tim states in frustration, watching as Jason grabs a beer from the fridge.

"Must be in deep cover." Jason states, popping the cap from the beer, the cap clanking on the floor. You get up from your seat, moving to lean against the table that sits off to the side but in between the boys. "Or dead." Jason suggests before taking a sip from the bottle. Tim offers a simple glare to him, not liking the answer as he continues with his Bo staff. "You like that thing?" Jason asks, closing some of the distance between the boys. "Can you actually use it?" Jason stops about two feet in front of Tim.

Tim holds the staff over his right shoulder, facing Jason. This is his chance. "Why don't we go a few rounds and I'll show you?" Tim asks, almost seeming confident in his ask.

Jason looks to the floor, eying his beer and then he looks to you, a smirk on his face. Jason knows without a second thought that this is going to be fun for him, not so much for Tim. He raises his brows quickly before taking another sip on his way over to the table to put the beer down.

"You're going to regret asking that." You quip and you'd be lying if you said you didn't admit his confidence, even if unwarranted.

"What?" Tim asks, trying to conceal his sudden concern.

"You'll see." You laugh softly, crossing your arms over your chest.

Jason walks back over, the boys locking eyes on each other the whole time. You can't tell if Tim asked because Jason was Robin and he thinks it'll be fun and cool. Or if he asked for some training and now is regretting it because Jason was Robin and now Red Hood and he knows this will only end in pain.

Jason nods up at Tim. "One round." Jason states.

Tim takes up the challenge, taking a step back as he points the end of the Bo staff as Jason's chest. There's a very small and subtle smile trying to make its way onto Tim's face. Jason gives it a few seconds before smacking the bo staff right out of Tim's hands, sending it to the ground. Tim lets out a breath with a sudden jolt, almost defeat and even a little embarrassment covers his face.

Jason grins more to himself than anything. "Maybe two rounds." Jason states before looking over to you. "You wanna try?"

You push off the table, switching places with Jason while Tim picks up his staff. "Cool?" You ask Tim.

Tim nods a few times, trying to hide his excitement of getting to train with the both of you. "Yeah, we're good."

Tim takes a step back and this time, he holds the staff closer to himself, his grip tighter. His feet are planted better on the ground but you know he doesn't stand a chance. Tim doesn't expect sparring to be mean. But you trained with Jason who would kick someone while they were down just to make sure they're prepared for everything.

The staff is pointed at you and then Tim pulls it to the side quickly, about to use it to smack you with it in order to make the first move to not make the same mistake as last time. But you grab the end of the staff before it can even come close and in a quick and fluid motion, you yank it right from his hands, flipping the staff in your hands and pointing it right at his head.

"Alright." Tim lets out a sigh as you hand the staff back over.

"You need some help." Jason states, walking back over to you and Tim. "You're never gonna get this Venta guy if you can't even last a few seconds between us."

"There hasn't been a lot of time to train." Tim almost groans with the shake of his head.

"Yeah, I heard." You nod your head. "Gar told me. Well, you're here." You shrug your shoulders.

"Been a while since I sparred with anyone." Jason looks between you and Tim, something menacing behind his eyes.

"What'd you say, Tim?" You ask with a taunting grin.

"Wait, really?" Tim asks as his eyes go wide. "You guys will help?"

"Well, I don't want you to get killed." You state.

"Yeah, we're not trying to watch you sign your death certificate while you're here."

"Yeah, yeah, thanks." Tim beams with a large smile.

"I'm gonna change real quick, warm him up." Jason nods at you before he walks to the door.

"You guys are gonna help me?" Tim asks. "This is really cool. Thank you."

"You're a dork." You state, watching Tim chew his cheek. "It was so cool being trained by Robin though." You gush. 

"He's not gonna go easy on me, is he?" Tim asks as he nods his head, realizing who he just signed up to train with.

You let out a cackle. "Fuck no. Jason doesn't go easy on anyone." You let out a laugh as you sit on the floor and start stretching.

Tim joins you and starts stretching. "How is this going to work with your combat thing?" Tim asks.

"I try to ignore it. It's actually a little easier to ignore now, like sparring with people I trust."

"You can ignore it?" Tim's brows furrow at you. "How's that work?"

"Eh, kind of it. It's not really ignoring it as just pretending like it isn't there. It's kind of hard to explain. I just noticed, even back at the Tower, it just wasn't as strong training with everyone. I don't know." You shrug softly.

Jason comes back a few minutes later, going to the back room where there's a jukebox. While Jason gets some music going, you and Tim get to your feet. Tim grabs his bo staff, moving it around again as if he's preparing. You watch over your shoulder at Jason.

He's gained a bit more muscle over the last month and a half. The shirt he's wearing fits him well, cutting just below his waist. The sleeves hug his biceps that you swear are bigger and it's tighter around his chest. Your eyes trail down to his sweatpants. There's no difference there but there was something about Jason in sweatpants that you found to be the most attractive.

Jason turns back around, catching you staring. Heat runs over his cheeks as he smirks back at you. It's cheeky and arrogant, just as it always is. You roll your eyes, turning back around. Jason walks over to you and Tim gets ready.

"Okay, give me what you got." Tim says with confidence, swinging the bo staff around fluidly.

Jason doesn't even let him finish the sentence before he yanks the bo staff from Tim with almost no effort and then smacks Tim on the side of the head, making him fall to the ground. You burst out laughing as Tim looks up at Jason with surprise.

"You rely too much on your toys." Jason states sternly. Tim gets back to his feet, holding his head. "Okay." Jason says calmly and he's starting to feel in his element again. "On three, I'm gonna attack. You ready?" Jason asks.

Tim gets his stance ready, a little wobbly on his feet. "Ready."

"One." Jason says and then immediately goes to smack Tim again but this time Tim blocks his arm only for Jason to kick Tim in the back of the knee, sending him right back to the ground.

"What the fuck." Tim says, quickly getting back on his feet. "You said three!"

"Yeah! The Riddler's not gonna count." Jason strikes right back.

Tim looks to you for help. This is completely different than how he's been training with Conner and Gar. With Gar, they count off and spar, Gar definitely seems to go easy on him with TIm's lack of experience. And to be fair, a lot of the training with Conner is Tim just hitting him with no effect at all. But, Jason really isn't going to play fair. Tim's only hope is that you will.

"No one out there is going to tell you when they're going to attack. You just have to know." You state, not willing to help. "You're a Titan today and we're here but you're gonna be on your own. You're going to be helpless one day. Learn today never to be helpless." You nod your head, taking your turn with him.

The two of you get into your stances. You know you won't be nearly as ruthless as Jason. You only have a few days to get Tim in shape to fight a demon but that doesn't mean you and Jason both have to be completely ruthless the whole time. You'll cut Tim some slack. He can take it anyway. He'll be fine.

You go to take a single step forward, making Tim try to attack and block first. But, you never finish the step. Instead, it only makes Tim come closer to you which makes you grab his arm and spin the two of you around, pinning his arm behind his back. Tim lets out a yell and you let go, going back to your stance.

"Ow." Tim groans at you.

"You're fine. It'll feel better in a minute." You smile back at him. "Come at me."

Tim does as told, trying to land a hit to your head but you block him before he ever gets close and then you kick him in the knee, just hard enough to send him to the ground. You look to Jason. Oh, Tim needs help.

"You told me to come at you." Tim groans. "I thought you were just gonna block."

"Yeah, no." You laughs softly. "Not happening."

"Because the Riddler's not gonna block." Tim almost mocks Jason.

"None of them are going to just block." You correct him. "Your turn, Jay."

Jason takes over again while you grab a Gatorade from the fridge, pulling out one for the boys, too. Jason actually starts teaching now, showing Tim how to properly block and when. He shows him different ways and the best ways. Tim does know some of the blocks, he's just not used to them quite yet which is a relief.

Once Tim seems steady there, you switch with Jason and instead, you block Tim. You show Tim how you do it and how quick it is for you. The thought behind it is that you're not the only one with this. If Tim runs into someone with this power, he needs to know how he's supposed to land a hit. So, that's his job. Watch you, and learn how you block and find a weakness in order to hit. That's what Jason did. Tim only gets somewhat close a few times before Jason and you switch again.

This time, Jason starts teaching Tim how to make contact. Again, Dick has shown Tim some defense which is a help but he hasn't had much time to practice. So, the boys work on that for a few minutes before Jason shows him a few more things. After a few minutes, you switch with Jason. You and Tim go back and forth for a few minutes before Jason decides to up more. You only have a few days to get Tim ready. Now, it's two against one.

"Come on, me against you two?" Tim groans.

You and Jason look between each other and you both shrug as if sharing the same brain.

"No." You both say.

"We're all against each other." Jason answers casually.

"You have to watch what we're both doing not only against each other but when we come for you. No teams. Every man for himself." You state.

The three of you take your positions before Jason gives the go-ahead. The three of you lunge for each other. You hit Jason first, knowing Jason would likely go for Tim first. Is it going a little easy on Tim? Sure. But, you know going all out isn't going to help him, not right now. So, you kick the back of Jason's leg first, giving Tim the opportunity to get one hit to his head. Jason is quick to fight right back, knocking Tim in the face before he turns around, nearly kicking you before you jump out of the way and land a second hit to Tim's chest.

The three of you keep this up for the next half hour. You and Jason try to divide your time between each other and Tim, making sure he's getting plenty of chances to not only try to take you both down but also block the both of you. You're both being careful not to go too hard but make sure you aren't going too easy either. The more you all go, Tim gets tired but he never gives up. About halfway through, Tim gets into his own rhythm, able to block more of you and Jason. He lands a hit to you once while you hit Jason and he hands just a handful of hits to Jason. It builds his confidence anytime he lands anything and blocks one of you.

After a half hour of sparring, the three of you take seats on the floor, bottles of Gatorade right beside all of you as your chests heave. Jason's eyes land on you with your messy hair and the bruise of your eye fading. You have the Gatorade to your lips and he sees the silver chain peaking out from the collar of your t-shirt. There's a bruise on your right bicep, that's more recent but it's not bad. And he watches as you smile and then laugh at Tim as Tim lays back, complaining that he might be dying. There's been something about your smile and your laugh that could make Jason smile even on his worst days. Maybe you are doing better. He really hopes you are. You look so happy.

You get up, Jason unable to peel his eyes away from you. He always loved the way you looked in sweatpants. You have on black joggers that hug your thighs just a little bit and pinch right at your ankles. Your t-shirt is shorter, cutting right at your waist and Jason can't stop staring. He swears you're fucking stunning.

You grab all of you a few of Jason's granola bars and when you turn around, Jason is staring at you. So, you look at the granola bars and then at Jason before you throw one right at his head. It bonks him, causing Tim to burst out into a fit of laughter.

"Something about needing to block or something?" Tim quips, barely finishing his sentence before you and Jason throw a granola bar at him. Tim flails trying to block them unsuccessfully.

You grab a few more before you take your seat back beside Jason, giving him a few granola bars, keeping some for yourself while Tim snacks on the ones the two of you threw at him. It's nice being able to get a little bit of a break. Jason is actually really enjoying this. It feels like old times and he's actually helping. Dick is trusting him to work with you and help make sure Tim is prepared to fight this big bad. That's a big compliment as far as Jason is concerned. And Tim seems to be enjoying himself even if you both are going hard on him. Jason always liked helping train the others and this is throwing him right back but in a good way where he's not bitter about it. He's just glad to help. He feels needed.

And it doesn't hurt that you're here and you're getting along. It feels different than it did before. But, it's really nice. You're both still laughing and you still think the same way. You're still on the same page with everything. It's just nice to be able to spend some time with you and check in on you. Jason has missed you more than words could ever describe and he wonders if you'll be able to keep this going once Tim leaves. He really hopes you can. And he watches you toss another bar at Tim with a smile and he decides, he will try. He'll try to keep this up after Tim leaves.

Just because Tim will leave, doesn't mean you and Jason have to go back to not talking. The not talking was the hard part but now that you are, it feels easy again. It feels like you don't have to give each other space the size of half the damn city. You can do this without having to sacrifice having each other in your lives. Jason decides as he watches you laugh, he's going to keep trying to have you in his life and he hopes you'll have him, too.

The three of them spar for another half hour before Jason teaches Tim more about his staff. Dick was the one who liked the bo staff and Jason wasn't much to rely on it but Bruce made him learn. Jason always thought it was because of Dick but he's realizing it was just preparation to be able to use anything and everything as a weapon just in case. So, you sit back and watch the two of them go back and forth.

Once they're done, Jason sends Tim off to shower first. Jason plops down in the chair beside you as you give him a soft laugh. He's been thinking through this whole training session that maybe you both can step up your game. Tim is going to need to experience based on what Jason has heard about Brother Blood.

"So," Jason clears his throat. "Penguin has a shipment of guns coming in tomorrow night." Jason states.

Your eyes narrow slightly, knowing Jason has an idea of some sort. "Does he?"

Jason nods his head as casually as he can. "Shouldn't be too hard. In and out kind of thing. Grab and leave."

"Uh, huh." You nod, turning to face him with a teasing grin. "Where ya going with this, Jay?"

"Could take Tim." Jason offers, casually before a smirk crosses over his lips as he crosses his arms. His eyes lock on yours. "Wanna?"

"You want us to take Tim on a mission to steal Penguin's guns?" You ask but you think it's a great idea. What better training than an actual mission of some sort?

"Good training. We can watch him and he can watch us. See how it's really done. Especially if he's going to be Robin." Jason offers with ease but he's thinking he really doesn't need to convince you.

A crooked smile creeps on your face. "You know I'd never turn down an opportunity like this." You laugh softly.

"Yeah?" Jason asks, hope in his voice.

"Hell yeah. It'll be fun anyway. I helped you and Bruce with Penguin a couple of times and like once it got a bit dicey. We'll be fine." You beam at him. "I miss fucking with Penguin."

"You would." Jason tilts his head back with a booming laugh and the void in his chest starts to not feel as hollow.

Your smile turns soft and warm with his laugh. You remember back at the tower and how he was treated. There was a lot going on that was bigger than him, bigger than you. But, you think about that and the general disdain everyone had for him at the time and you're watching him laugh now. You always wondered how anyone could feel anything but love for him. How could someone not be completely in love with him? Because you're sitting here feeling just as you always did around him.

You read once that studies suggest it takes three to six months to get over someone, which sounds a little miserable. It has not been even three months but it's been a month and a half and it feels like nothing even wavered in your feelings for him. You're just as in love with him today as you were sitting on the floor of the training room in San Fransisco and maybe that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

"You're having fun, aren't you?" You ask.

Jason grins back over at you. "It's not horrible."

"Uh-huh." You laugh as you shake your head. "Well, you look like you're having a good time." You shrug your shoulders at him as you chew the inside of your cheek. "And thanks to you, Tim will be great."

"Stroking my ego?" Jason quips back. "You get hit in the head too hard?"

"Shut up." You groan as you give him a gentle shove.

"Thank you." Jason laughs softly. "He'll be great because of you, too though, ya know?" Jason questions.

"Awww, now look who's being nice." You tease with the scrunch of your nose.

"I can be nice." Jason smirks right back at you.

"Yeah..." You let out a soft sigh. "You have your moments." You laugh softly as you check your phone. "Hey, uh.." Your brows furrow. "If we were done for the day, I was gonna head out." You pull in a breath, not really wanting to leave quite yet. "There are some people I wanna check up on before patrol tonight." You explain.

"Yeah, of course." Jason feels the disappointment cloud his chest. "I'll, uh, I'll call you if something goes down and text you the time." Jason nods, careful to let his disappointment show.

"Okay." You smile softly, ready to get the rest of the day over with so you can see him tomorrow. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jay."

"See you tomorrow." Jason smiles softly before you leave the room, allowing Jason to himself for the night.

prev. chapter | next chapter

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

Tag List: @fairyofshampoo // @italiana-20 // @jasontoddsmentaldisorders // @purplerose291 // @lovelessamai  //

@makaelaseresin // @lenidaslenchen // @mayfieldss  // @ghostkingblake // @im-done-with-this-im-out //

@velvetskies // @lilylovelyxo // @cryinghotmesss // @yesimwriting // @vivian-555 // @stainedstardom //

@baebeepeach // @legend-o-zelda // @harleycao // @somehow-lovable-trash  // @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx //

@deyja-the-duck // @jasontoddslover //  @captainmarvels-blog // @totallynotkaibiased // @scarlovesyou //

@whydoyoucare866 // @littlemeowmeow1000 // @ginger24880 // @urmomsgayforme5 // @septixtrash //

@kplatzman // @killxz // @lovefks // @laurelthesimp // @strawberryforks //

@mxtokko // @kolpvii // @adorabluesposts // @jasontoddthings // @bbiaa420

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Always: Discussing Arthur and Charles

Alternative title: Steph waffles about the dynamic between Arthur and Charles for way too long because it’s all she can think about rn

Tagging @the-bi-space-ace in case you were interested in my ramblings about these two 🤠

I recently fell back down the Red Dead 2 rabbit hole and once again have had many thoughts about the characters, particularly Arthur and Charles (nothing new there lol) and their relationship (however you interpret that). I don’t know if I have a singular favourite quote from Arthur in this game, as there are a few contenders - “we’re more ghosts than people’, “we’re thieves in a world that don’t want us no more’, “I’ll turn you into a goddamn cauliflower” - but with Charles I definitely do. “Always.”

It’s so simple, so succinct, and so perfectly Charles. A line that holds so much weight and meaning, in such few words. And what I love about it is that it represents what makes Arthur and Charles’ dynamic so special, and encapsulates how meaningful that relationship was for the two of them in those months.

When we first see these two characters at the beginning of the game, it’s mentioned that in the 6 months that Charles has been with the gang, the two haven’t spoken all that much, and yet something that becomes immediately clear is the fact that there is a very obvious level of respect that they hold for each other. We can determine that within just a few months, they have already built up a recognition of the work and care that the other puts into the gang, and the importance that they have within the group. Even if they aren’t necessarily close at this point, there is undoubtedly a mutual respect there, very early on in the game. But what is even more interesting to watch during the hunting mission up in Colter, is the way that they fall quite easily into a comfortable conversation. We have Arthur, who tends to make it fairly obvious when he doesn’t like someone, and Charles, who never says more than he deems necessary and who avoids any possible conversation with people he doesn’t have the time for, having a relatively open conversation for the entire mission. Even if they haven’t interacted much over the time since Charles has joined, they already have a bond that is slightly surprising for these two characters. And over the course of the game that bond just grows into something so special.

I’m gonna side track slightly to talk about the background of these two because I think it is integral when talking about the dynamic that these two have. Arthur has been with the gang for a long time (20 years or so) and as a result, has become very close with a lot of the people in it. Even if he doesn’t agree with some of them a lot of the time, they are still his family, and he will always do what he can to protect them. Arthur didn’t have the greatest start to life, with his mother dying and his (likely abusive) father being executed in front of him, so this gang is the closest thing to a family that he has had for the majority of his life. Similarly, Charles did not have the best beginnings either: losing his mother, losing his tribe, losing his father to drink, and then running away, subsequently spending half of his life alone. Not to mention the fact that as someone of African American and Native American heritage, Charles will have experienced hardship and adversity on a level that many of the other gang members (including Arthur) will never have experienced. So for Charles, joining the gang meant the chance of something new, the chance to find a place where he can actually belong.

It's these backgrounds that build these characters and that set the foundations for what we see in the game: why they act in a certain way around others, why they make certain choices, why they agree or disagree with the choices made by the people around them. And it’s their past which, in a way, explains not just why Arthur and Charles came together, but why they were so necessary in each other’s lives. I’m not going to say that it’s all down to fate necessarily, but I do believe that these two met each other at the point when they needed the other person most. The trajectory that we see these characters go on wouldn’t have been possible without the other by their side and I’m gonna discuss why.

One of the things I love most about their dynamic is that despite there being a mutual respect between the two, Charles isn’t afraid to call Arthur out on some of his behaviour. The best example of this is when he tells Arthur “you ain’t as tough and dense as all that” in response to Arthur saying that they shouldn’t help the German family, especially since he doesn’t even speak their language. Arthur is a character who is very much aware of the way people view him, and is very conscious of the fact that he is labelled by many to be a bad person (as to be expected from an outlaw). As a result, he tends to go about things with an attitude of “well, if people already have this opinion about me, why should I try to be anything else?” and tends to act harsher than he typically would because he’s just living to the standard that everyone expects from him. But Charles can see through Arthur’s act, and knows that he’s acting this way to try and fit this tough outlaw image that everyone expects him to show. He’s also aware that this isn’t really who Arthur is and doesn’t hold back at taking him down a peg or two when he is acting like a bit of a prat.

And as much as we talk about how much of a good influence Charles is, one of the things I don’t see talked about as much is how much of a part he played in Arthur’s redemption in the story. The game doesn’t hide the fact that Arthur will never truly make up for all the hurt and destruction he has caused, but he can at least try and do some good, to try and make the lives of some people in the world just a little bit less tough, in response to everything he has done up until this point. And one of the people who helps most with that is Charles. He’s always pushing Arthur to do the right thing, to make the best choice, and to help people who need it. Charles was a guiding hand that helped Arthur in following his redemption and was never afraid to tell him that even if he had done wrong in the past, that didn’t mean he couldn’t make better choices towards the end of his life.

Not only that, but Charles was a pillar for Arthur when the man was facing the hardest circumstances he’d ever experienced. As I said earlier, the gang is Arthur’s family, they have been a part of his life for most of his life, but as the game progresses, he watches that family fall apart. He loses people who he views as siblings, he loses a man he viewed as a father, and the other father figure in his life is turning against him, accusing him of betrayal, and had left him to die with someone holding a knife to his throat. Not to mention that Arthur is facing all of this alongside the knowledge that he doesn’t have long left. Now more than ever, Arthur needs a support system, people who have his back and will stand by him when everything else is slipping away. And he has that. He has Sadie (who could be discussed in an entire post of her own) and he has Charles. Charles stood by Arthur when he needed him most, reassuring him that he still had people fighting in his corner, still had people on his side, as well as helping him to stay on the right track and make better choices, even in the face of hardship and a growing sense of hopelessness. Because Charles understands what it’s like. This man has been through so much, has lost everything, and despite that has remained true to what is right and has never given up striving for good. As Arthur himself says in his journal, Charles is truly a good man at heart, despite the life he has led, and he uses that to help Arthur hold on.

But the thing is, it isn’t just Charles who helps Arthur. Arthur helps him in return. Charles is used to living a life of solitude and when the world takes everything away, and treats you like you don’t belong, you begin to believe that there is no place for you, that you will never find your space anywhere. And we know that this is something that he struggles with. He struggles to know where he fits in, or what the point of anything is, because everything he has been through just seems to drill home this idea that he doesn’t deserve to be here, that there is no place for someone like him in this world. And this is even more prevalent as the gang falls apart because for Charles, he’d finally found that place where he felt like he could belong and be a part of something, only for it to all be taken away. The one place he could even consider a home is in shatters and his friends are dying. For Charles that feels like it would be more than a sure sign from the universe that he doesn’t deserve to belong anywhere.

However, through all of that, he has Arthur, who has always stood up for him and told him how much he matters. Even the minor camp interactions feed into that, with Arthur telling Charles how much he likes having him around, and how he hopes for Charles to stick with them because they need him. Arthur agrees to help Charles with the Wapiti Tribe, he goes to Charles when he needs someone he trusts, and he makes sure that Charles knows just how important and appreciated he is. For a man like Charles that is a huge deal and means far more to him than I think any of us ever really appreciate. Arthur made sure to incorporate him into his family and make it known that he belonged. When we see Charles go off at the end of the epilogue to find a place to settle down, we see a man who has come to appreciate himself and his worthiness more, with the help of the people who supported him throughout those years, including Arthur.

These two characters helped each other in ways that I can’t even begin to summarise in this post. The bond that grew between them was so special and I cannot argue that Charles and Arthur were so integral in sculpting the lives that each other led. “Always” is my favourite Charles line because it encapsulates everything about that bond: the trust, the respect, the love, the appreciation, the drive to help in any way they can. It breaks my heart to know that they never had the opportunity to know each other for longer, but I will always appreciate, no matter how brief, just how beautiful that relationship was.

Always

[crazychaoticizzy]

TRACK ONE: Pilot/Heart Attack

Heart Attack: the greatest rock band in history. Decades after the nasty breakup that followed their final performance in Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, the six band members finally agree to separate interviews that reveal how they came together and their rise to fame.

And what led to their sudden downfall.

EREN X READER X JEAN

CONTENT: multipart fic, rock band au, love triangle, slow burn, angst

WORD COUNT: 1.1k

Series Masterlist

AOT Masterlist

DODGER STADIUM, LOS ANGELES After their highly anticipated performance at Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, Jean Kirschtein tore off the neck of his bass on stage and ripped a hole in the drums. After announcing his resignation from the famous band, Heart Attack, Eren Jäger punched him.

Following Jean Kirschtein's resignation, Heart Attack fell apart. The performance in Dodger Stadium was their last, and the six band members have not been seen together since.

This biography is made up of a series of interviews compiled over the years by Olivia Russo. This is the first time the band and others involved have spoken on their scandals since they broke up.

JEAN KIRSTEIN, bassist for Heart Attack: Just sit here?  Alright. Yeah, of course. Sure you don’t want anything to drink? Okay. [smiling] Hi.

EREN JÄGER, main male vocalist for Heart Attack: We’re gonna make this quick, ‘kay? I don’t wanna talk about this shit. Ask your questions, get a snack or something, and leave.

ARMIN ARLERT, guitarist for Heart Attack: Do I look okay? I dunno, I just feel nervous, I guess. I haven’t really talked about this in years, especially on camera.

SASHA BRAUS, keyboardist for Heart Attack: Oh, I’m so excited for this. Did my hair curl weird? No? Okay. What do you want me to do? Introduce myself? I don’t know, everything’s changed so much since the last time I did a one on one interview like this. Hi, my name is Sasha Braus. I was the former keyboardist and supporting female vocalist for Heart Attack.

CONNIE SPRINGER, drummer for Heart Attack: Ready, kid? You’re in for a ride. I hope you brought snack or something to hold you by, this is a long story.

MIKASA ACKERMAN, photographer and costume designer for Heart Attack: This is for a documentary, right? Or a novel? Oh, okay. Either way, I’ll try to remember everything as best I can.

Y/N L/N, main female vocalist for Heart Attack: Hey. Yeah, of course. Mess with whatever. Maybe you can hide the circles under my eyes. [laughs]

What did you think of Heart Attack?

MIKASA: Well, it was Eren’s dream, so I just kind of went with it. It was fun, though. I really liked everyone we worked with. Most of them were really nice.

EREN: We were on top of the fucking world. The biggest band of the century. Everyone knew our name and we were making millions. I don’t know why Jean wanted to throw that shit away.

JEAN: You want honesty? I fucking hated it. Every single second.

CONNIE: Ooo, getting into the deep shit already? Well, I personally thought it was so fun. More so after we got famous, but it was great even back when we were just teenagers in Mrs. Yeager’s basement.

ARMIN: I kind of felt… indifferent? I mean, yeah I liked it. I was spending time with my best friends. But I would have preferred something quieter, maybe? Something that didn’t have us at each other’s throats all the time, at least.

SASHA: Well, it was definitely stressful. God, especially when I was pregnant. I was so worried about what we were going to do then. I mean, I couldn’t be up on stage at almost nine months. Are you crazy? But then for half of our songs the keyboard is a really big part so it’s not like I just couldn’t be there.

Y/N: I really enjoyed it. Yeah, there were a couple times I maybe wanted to kill someone, but it was fun. Lifelong friends, some of them. All of them, actually, but . . .

SASHA: Oh, well. We figured it out in the end. [smiles]

Y/N: It didn’t end well, as I’m sure you know.

JEAN: What were we? A rock band, according to Google, but what we were doing wasn’t rock.

CONNIE: It’s kind of funny, actually. Before Sasha we were all so uncreative and couldn’t come up with song titles. With good reason, too, that shit is hard. Trying to sum up your song in a couple words? Pfft. We were all useless, especially Eren.

ARMIN: Only the super old fans know this, but our very first song ever, track one on our debut album, was originally called “Pilot.”

EREN: Yes, like the fucking first episode of a show that doesn’t know if it’s gonna do well or some shit. It was not my idea.

JEAN: It was Eren’s idea.

MIKASA: I tried convincing them to name it something else, but they wouldn’t budge. I suggested just their band name and they said, “No, that’s too basic. We need something unique.” They didn’t change it until Scout Records told them to. And guess what they changed it to.

CONNIE: We changed the first song to “Heart Attack” in… let’s see, 2018 or somewhere close to that. 2019, maybe?

JEAN: Naming our first album “Debut” was Eren’s dumb ass idea, too. Uncreative prick.

EREN: No one else had any better ideas, so we just went with what I said by default. It’s not like anyone cared, anyway.

What can you tell me about Marco Bodt?

SASHA: Sorry, darling. I don’t know much about him other than he was the band’s first keyboardist.

Y/N: Just what Annie and everyone else told me way back when. I don't remember much.

MIKASA: Oh, I wasn’t around them enough at the beginning to know him. That was around the same time my mom had started getting me ready to take over the store, so I spent almost all of my free time with her.

ARMIN: I don’t really remember him. I had him in my Chemistry class before I dropped out. He was my table partner, I think. He was nice, though. We tutored each other sometimes. And, of course, he was over at Eren’s with us a lot.

CONNIE: I loved Marco, man. If you met him, you knew you had just met the sun. He always had such a bright outlook on everything. He was like Switzerland when we started arguing. And he always came up with the best compromises.

EREN: Marco was amazing. I felt bad all the time because he was always breaking up arguments. I have no clue why he was friends with us.

ARMIN: We were definitely annoying. It took a special kind of patience to deal with us, especially at that age. Marco always handled it so well, though. I think he and I would’ve ended up being much better friends if we were given the chance.

JEAN: Someone did their homework. You know about Marco? Course you do, you’re fucking [incoherent]. Uhm, Marco… God, I haven’t talked about him since he died. I don’t even think the really old fans know about him, to be honest. Well, Marco was . . . I think he was the first boy I ever loved.

i'm so excited for this series you guys don't even know. i have so much planned and i hope you guys have as much fun reading it as i had writing it

TAGLIST: @arlerts-angel if you'd like to join the taglist please comment to let me know!

next part >>

[chaotic-super]

A Different Kind of Alien

Here's my piece for this year's SCBB! Read it on AO3 here!

You can see the incredible associated art by CorpseCollector here!

-

Summary - A series of events leading up to Lena’s realization that Kara’s alien side is a different person from the one everyone, including herself, has been allowed to see. 

-

Lena’s heels click against the polished floor of the DEO in a stern rhythm that sets every agent’s teeth on edge. Nobody is more on edge than Lena though because she has a worry that’s been keeping her up at night and making her paranoid. One that she is here to get rid of as soon as she finds the subject of said worry.

“What can we do for you, Ms Luthor?” Alex greets her, not at all happy that Lena is using her recent save of Supergirl as an opportunity to get access to the DEO headquarters whenever she sees fit.

Lena thinks it’s great, honestly. She’s never been able to get in here without a million passes through security and only ever when they want to bring her in as their last option because they still, even after all this time, doubt that she’s doing anything without ulterior motives.

“There’s someone I want to speak with. I think you know who.” Lena states, her voice cool and sharp.

Alex’s hands find her hips and her spine straightens even more, if that’s even possible. “Supergirl isn’t here right now.”

“Really?” Lena’s eyebrow raises dangerously.

“Really.”

“I don’t believe that you’re being completely truthful, Director. What exactly do you think I’m going to do to her? I didn’t build her a suit to protect her from kryptonite radiation just to make sure I’m the one that gets to kill her.” Lena’s arms fold over her chest, her voice getting more and more hostile as she speaks.

This is getting out of hand already. Alex can see that simply by looking around her at all of the agents that are pretending that they aren’t trying to listen in and watch the show as it unfolds.

Alex steps closer to Lena and lowers her voice. “I’m not accusing you of anything, she really isn’t here.”

Lena doesn’t look like she believes her, not one bit. “I have already checked everywhere else so where is she?”

Now Alex is just confused. “What do you mean? She should be at work or if not, her loft. If she’s not there then I have no idea. Supergirl hasn’t been needed today, and I’ve been busy so I haven’t spoken to her. Why can’t you just text like a normal person instead of storming into government buildings like you own the place?”

Lena ignores the last jab at her. “I’ve tried CatCo and her loft. She hasn’t answered any of my messages or calls either. I asked James if he knew where she could be when she wasn’t at CatCo and he said it’s her day off so she should be at home. When she wasn’t there, I figured she would be here.”

A frown sits squarely on Alex’s face. “That’s really strange. She never told me she had the day off; she’s usually working on Thursdays. Let me try to call her, she might just be avoiding you.”

“Hey!” Lena scolds her but she’s already been tuned out so Alex can attempt to make her call.

Alex half-turns away from her so she doesn’t get distracted by Lena whilst on the phone and the action leaves Lena huffing and trying to inch closer discreetly in the hope that she will be able to hear what Kara says on the phone if she actually picks up.

When Alex sees her moving out of the corner of her eye, she just takes a step further away from her, a half-hearted glare shooting out of her eyes at Lena all the while that prevents Lena from trying to get closer again.

It takes a long time for the call to go through and by the time it does get answered, Alex is tapping her foot impatiently and her voice is sharp with Kara despite her not being the one to put her in a mood. It makes Lena feel a little bit guilty but overall, she thinks it’s Alex’s problem if she can’t compartmentalise and be nice to innocent people.

Alex’s tone is hushed and since she can’t hear Kara’s side of the conversation, Lena doesn’t bother trying to decipher what’s being said, more inclined to just wait until the call is over so she can annoy Alex further by asking a million questions about what was said.

Lena’s gaze lazily roams around the large open space within the DEO. She watches the agents rushing back and forth doing things she can’t comprehend and the computer screens over on one side of the room holding statistics, maps, and personnel files. She doesn’t linger on those for too long, the last thing she wants is to be tackled because they think she’s stealing intellectual property from the government or some bullcrap like that.

Alex clears her throat once the call ends and she looks less annoyed and more smug. “She’s at the Fortress of Solitude so unless you can magically appear in the Arctic, I’d say you’ll have to wait another day to do whatever it is you’re apparently thinking of doing. Sucks to suck.”

“That’s perfectly ok, Director Danvers. I have a lovely little piece of technology that can take me right there.” Lena smirks whilst holding up her wrist to show off her watch, which has been purposefully modified to create a portal to wherever she wants to go as long as she has the coordinates, which she does in this instance. She’s very glad she noted them down when she was last in the Fortress of Solitude, right after the Daxamites kidnapped her.

“Oh really? Let’s see it then.” Alex folds her arms, disbelief radiating out of her pores.

Lena just shrugs and presses a few buttons on her watch. A portal opens to the sound of dozens of agents gasping because a literal purple swirling portal just opened up in the middle of their workplace.

“That’s really going to take you to the Fortress of Solitude?” Alex asks, doubt still lingering, but overall, she’s a lot more convinced now and also clamouring to know how the watch works so she can build her own because she could seriously cut down her commute to work with one of those bad boys. She could sleep for an extra twenty minutes.

Lena shakes her head with a wry smile. “No, this is going to take me home. I believe that it would be in my best interests to collect my winter coat from my closet before heading to the Arctic. I’ll see you later, Director. I have business to discuss with Supergirl that cannot wait any longer.”

“Wait, what’s so important that you can’t wait for her to return? She only ever stays there for maybe two or three hours at a time.”

“I don’t believe that’s any of your business. Have a great day, Director, and please, don’t hesitate to pick your jaw up off the floor once I’ve left.” Lena makes an about-turn and promptly struts into the portal, which disappears right after she steps through it.

Alex stares at the spot where the portal was just a few seconds ago, her jaw hanging loosely for a moment before snapping shut with a click.

-

Despite the massive coat secured around her, Lena has to wrap her arms around her waist to try and fend off the cold as she steps out of the portal and into the Fortress of Solitude.

Vast walls of ice surround her, and statues of people that are long gone glare down at her, their heads the size of cars because they are so large. “Hello to you too.” She whispers up at them, half impressed, half intimidated.

Taking a look around, she can’t see any signs of life. There’s just ice, random control panels and random shelves made of yet more ice with weapons and different types of technology stacked on them. As much as she’d like to take a good look at all of that, it’s not what she’s here for. She’s here to look for one specific person. One yet to be located.

She starts walking. This isn’t exactly the kind of place to have signs up to point anyone in any particular direction, and if there is, they are all in a language that Lena doesn’t speak. Not that she wouldn’t mind learning. She just has to wander and hope she’ll find her way at some point.

Hallway after hallway of the same freezing design takes her nowhere except in circles. She’s got her ear out for any sign of movement but all she can hear is her own thundering heartbeat, staggered breaths, clicking heels and the odd crackle from the ice—nothing to give away anything helpful. Something helpful that does give Lena a clue is the lighting.

Everywhere is lit by a faint bluish tinge except for one place. From beneath a door that she doesn’t know how to open, she can see red. Not harsh, nor foreboding. A pleasant red, a dulled crimson, one that reads as comforting.

There’s no apparent door handle or button to push to get the door open, but she can see the light around the edge of the door, which she isn’t entirely sure is actually a door. The doorway is arched at the top, creating a beautiful outline that she wants to commit to memory for no reason other than to admire it when she’s not so cold her toes feel like they might snap off. She should have changed out of her heels into boots before coming here. The coat isn’t enough.

Her bare hands press against the ice in search of a way to open it, but nothing happens apart from her fingers getting cold. Next, she tries the ice around the outside of the door. No dice. The final option is something a little more hands-on. She tries pressing her hands into the door and then pushing it to one side to see if it will shift any.

It does shift but she was pushing in the wrong direction because she closes up the gap on one side of the door, blocking the light. She pushes the other way and with a little heaving, the door cracks open enough to peek through the gap and wrestle her fingers into it to move it easier.

Lena takes a look through the steadily widening gap, her green eyes hungrily drinking in the sight that greets her.

The door is shuffled open just enough that when she turns on her side, she can just about force her way through it and stumble into the room, her eyes never once leaving the form of the woman inside, the woman she came here to see.

So desperately, Lena wants to call out to her, a little worried that she hasn’t reacted to her presence because while she hasn’t been particularly loud, she’s made enough noise that a superpowered alien should be able to hear her, especially her loud footsteps, the heels of her shoes taking no prisoners with the harsh clip-clop that accompanies each movement of her feet.

Kara is sitting on the ground, her legs crossed and her hands reaching out behind her to keep her propped up as she leans back, her head tilted towards the light in the ceiling, the one emitting the red glow. Her eyes are closed and a tiny, relaxed smile graces her face. Lena’s not so sure as though she’s ever seen someone look so comfortable and beautiful. The grace she’s exuding is powerful and it almost knocks Lena back off her feet.

“Kara?” The name falls from her lips in the most hushed of voices but somehow, it’s mightier than any other noise she’s made, more compelling.

Kara’s head whips up and she wrestles to her knees in a flurry of frantic limbs and wild panic. There’s no grace or regal stature to her now. It’s all gone with that one whispered word and now Lena is staring into the frightened gaze of a woman that wasn’t here when she arrived. This isn’t the person she was just looking at; this is someone else and Lena isn’t sure why.

She’s not sure why Kara is acting so panicked. She’s not sure why she was sitting on the floor and looking the way she was. She isn’t sure why Kara is now looking guilty and she isn’t sure why she’s now feeling guilty for making Kara feel guilty.

“Kara, are you ok?”

“What are you doing here?” Kara ignores Lena’s question, her arms folding over her chest protectively, her shoulders hunching forward and her voice small in a way Lena has never heard from her. At least, not whilst she’s wearing her suit.

Lena moves closer and sees the muscles across Kara’s body ripple as she resists the urge to move back away from her so she stops a couple of paces away. “I couldn’t get hold of you and I was worried. You never showed up for lunch so I went to CatCo and your loft. When you weren’t there and still weren’t answering your phone, I went to the DEO. I was worried you’d been hurt, but then Alex called and you answered. She told me where to find you and I came.”

A hand slides across Kara’s forehead, the stress behind the action abundantly clear. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought that was tomorrow. My phone was set to do-not-disturb, but Alex’s number is set so she can still call me in emergencies. I thought I had the day to myself so I came up here. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Lena nods, the action slow and precise enough that it only serves to increase the anxiety building in Kara.

“Ok,” Lena says. “So, what were you doing?”

Kara shakes her head. “Nothing much, just going through a few things.”

“You were on the floor though, Kara. Why?”

“Just…” Kara’s eyes flicker around the room for an explanation to draw from, “…resting.” She winces after she says it. That was the worst thing she could have said. No other word is more transparent than that.

The sound of Kara’s increased breaths fills the air and the rise and fall of her chest is the most prominent movement in the room, letting Lena in on the secret that whatever it is that Kara was doing, it was important to her but shouldn’t be spoken about. Not if she would like Kara to continue her streak of never having a heart attack.

“Ok then. Well, do you want me to leave you to it or do you want to come to lunch? I haven’t eaten yet so I’m thinking of either heading to Noonan’s or picking up Big Belly Burger and heading back to my place. Either option is good if you’re feeling up to it. I don’t want to mess up your plans for a relaxing day away from everyone if you don’t want to come.”

Kara shrugs. “I guess I am hungry. Want to head back and I’ll clean up and meet you there?”

“I don’t mind waiting,” Lena replies, noting that was the wrong thing to say when Kara’s unease grew. “How about I find my way back to the main room, the one with all the statues, and wait there?”

Kara’s shoulders slacken. “Sounds good. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

Lena forces a smile, her own curiosity and bafflement taking a backseat to Kara’s overwhelming rollercoaster of emotions. With one last look around the room, the red light of particular interest to her, she turns around and heads out of the room, taking the next right.

“Wrong way! Take a left and then the fourth right. You can’t miss it!” Kara yells behind her. As casually as she can, Lena turns back and follows her instructions.

-

Lena never pushes the topic of finding Kara on the floor of The Fortress of Solitude. She doesn’t push it at lunch or the many other lunches that follow. She doesn’t discuss it with anyone but doesn’t forget it. Instead, she logs it in the back of her mind and keeps it hidden away for moments when she can only think about Kara. It’s a mystery she wants to solve but one she doesn’t know how to approach.

It’s something still sitting in the back of her head though, even as she’s heading up the stairs to Kara’s apartment, the elevator sitting dead in the water with caution tape across the doors. It’ll probably be like that for a while, it took over four months when it broke down last year.

There’s a sense of calm for Lena though. A little bit of the anxiety she’s felt surrounding the situation with Kara has gone because tonight, she’s not spending time with her alone. It’s game night so she couldn’t bring it up with her if she wanted to because it wouldn’t be fair to Kara and she gets to enjoy her time without spending every second trying to figure out if it’s a good idea for her to ask about what happened at the fortress.

She’s slowly stomping up the stairs, her bag weighted down with half a dozen bottles of wine. Not all for tonight but because she’s recently learned that Kara with her stupid, big heart has been stocking up on her favourite wine so she can offer it to her when she’s over and spending much more money than she should be for someone on her salary just because her best friend has expensive taste. She’s brought a couple of bottles to be shared tonight and then a few to stay here for the nights she visits. Also a bottle of nice champagne she knows Kara likes but rarely indulges in because she thinks it’s weird to drink it when it’s not in celebration of something so refuses to buy it for herself. That certainly doesn’t stop her when Lena pours her a glass as a treat though.

The clunky pattering of flurried footsteps fills the echoing space of the stairwell. Lena turns her head to look behind her and see who it is.

Alex appears at her side, eyeing up the bag in her hands. “Oh, that’s a decent bag of drinks, please tell me there’s something in there for me.”

“Nope. It’s your turn to get the good scotch, this is just me restocking my wine in the loft.”

“You keep wine in Kara’s loft?”

“Yeah, your idiot sister buys it for me if I don’t.”

Alex’s head tilts to one side. “She is kind of dumb at times when it comes to hospitality.” She sniffs. “And quite a lot of other things too.”

Lena uses her free hand to swat at Alex’s arm. “Be nice, that was an unnecessary jab. Kara is plenty smart most of the time.”

That garners a snort. “Most of the time,” Alex repeats.

Lena shakes her head and carries on upstairs, more bothered about getting to Kara’s loft so she can put this heavy bag down.

The door opens before they could knock, Kara grinning at them. “Hey!” She wrangles the bag from Lena’s hand and wraps her up in a hug, her eyes falling closed momentarily. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“And I’m here too.” Alex huffs, pushing the pair to get by because they’re blocking the doorway. It makes Lena lose her balance slightly but Kara stands firm, a steadying hand wrapped around her waist and another around her back.

“Ignore her, she’s being insufferable today.” Lena quips when Kara pulls away and looks over at Alex, who has already splatted on her couch, limbs spread in every direction and her eyes closed. “I think she must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

“No, I just didn’t get much sleep because I worked late last night getting paperwork done because a certain someone demanded access to files on a certain caped Kryptonian.”

Kara closes the door softly, taking a quick peek down the hallway and using her super hearing once more to see if any of the others are here yet. She can hear Nia and Brainy just outside but there’s no point in her keeping the door open when it’ll take them a couple of minutes to get up here anyway. Then she clues into what Alex just said. “You wanted files on me?” She turns to Lena with a questioning eyebrow lifted in her direction.

Lena shrugs it off like it’s completely normal. “Of course, I did. How else am I going to keep up to date on you and build you a better suit? I think Winn is great and all but I think it’s time to ditch the skirt. It does make your legs look incredible but that’s yet to help you in a fight.”

“You’re going to build me a suit?” Kara’s eyes light up and she bounces on her toes a little in excitement, her hands balling up beneath her chin and twitching as she fights to keep in control of herself. “I’m so excited! Can I help?”

“Of course, you can, anything for my favourite person.” Lena grins, her sparkling eyes tracking each barely contained movement from Kara and it’s when she watches her like this she sees it – the way Kara has to fight to stay in control of her own body, the way her muscles ache to be freed from the cage she forces them into so she doesn’t destroy anything around her or cause harm to anyone. It’s so easy to forget the power she holds and Lena forgets just how lucky she is.

She’s followed this line of thinking many a time and each time it does nothing but bum her out and make her chest feel tight, an empathetic response to the claustrophobia Kara must experience within her own body. The difference between her and Kara though, is that she forgets. She forgets how strong Kara is and the effort she puts into keeping everyone safe. That’s a luxury Kara can never afford.

“You’re the best, Lena!” Kara, now finished with her physical display of pure pleasure, pulls her into another hug. They sway with the force of it and Lena’s hands splay across the muscles of Kara’s back, the tension there still palpable.

“I know,” Lena responds, smirking when she pulls back because Alex is here and she’s not willing to look like a complete sap in front of her, that’s a surefire way to make sure she gets teased for the rest of her life and that’s not something she’s signing up for right now.

Alex swipes the bag out of Lena’s hand, pulling out one of the bottles and turning it in her hand so she can take a good look at the label. She whistles as she reads it. “Oh yeah, we are totally drinking this tonight.”

Kara frowns. “Why did you bring wine? I’ve got a bottle in the cupboard already.”

Lena pats her on her arm tenderly. “Because I’m a billionaire, darling, and you’ve got a massive food bill to contend with without me adding an extra expense to your monthly outgoings. I’ve got the wine, there’s no need for you to put yourself out to get it for me.”

“But—”

“No buts.” Lena holds up a finger and snatches the bag with the rest of the bottles out of Alex’s loose grip before opening the cupboard and beginning to put the bottles away next to the one already sitting there. It wasn’t there the last time she was here because they finished the bottle so Kara must have already restocked. She was hoping to have gotten there before her but since she bought so many bottles, that won’t be an issue again, that’s the last bottle Kara will buy for her.

Behind her, Kara frowns at her back, discomfort bubbling in her chest. It goes against the conduct she was raised with. A good host should always provide for their guests and to not do so is deemed disrespectful. Lena doesn’t know that, Kara’s fully aware that she doesn’t, but there’s still a discomfort there. She’s going to have to find a way around that, maybe she’ll have to start stocking up on Lena’s healthy snacks and disgusting green smoothies she likes even though she swore to never let any of it into her apartment.

It doesn’t solve the issue but it does calm her internal discomfort by a small margin. There’s only so much she can argue without her insistence looking strange, especially since Lena has the advantage of having a logical argument for why she should pay for her drink of choice.

The door flies open just a millisecond after a rush of rapid knocks fill the air, Nia walking in with Brainy right on her heels. “The party is here so change out of your granny panties and get your party thongs on!”

“What is wrong with you?” Alex questions, her face blank.

“So many things.” Nia shrugs and slings herself onto the couch, Brainy following her and taking a more civilized approach to sitting down.

“Hello, everyone.”

“Hey, Brainy. Hey, Nia.” Kara greets them both before turning to Alex. “Is this everyone for tonight or is Kelly showing up too?”

Alex’s lips turn up into a hint of a smile at the mention of her girlfriend. “She’s working late so she’s going back to her place to shower and will show up in a little while. She said to go ahead and order food, just save her a couple of slices of pizza.”

“What makes her think we’re ordering pizza?” Lena’s head tilts.

Kara shrugs. “Well, we always order pizza.”

“Not always,” Lena argues.

Alex snorts. “Can you remember the last time we didn’t order pizza for game night?”

Lena’s mouth opens and she goes to reply but she very quickly realizes she can’t actually remember the last time they didn’t have pizza. Even when they order from different places or have different cuisines, they always order pizza too just so they are certain they won’t run out of food. “Touché.”

“So, pepperoni?” Kara inquires, her phone in hand ready to place their order.

“Get a veggie one too. I’ll order Chinese as well.” Alex starts barking her orders. “Lena, find a game for us all to play while we wait for food.”

“Aye aye, captain. Whatever you say, captain.” Lena rolls her eyes but moves anyway, pleased when she sees Kara giggle at her little quip.

Lena purposefully chooses a couple of games that won’t take too long to get through so Kelly will be able to join right in when she gets here, that way she won’t have to just awkwardly watch while the rest of them play. Besides, if she had chosen something like Monopoly, there’s a strong likelihood that fewer people would be leaving the apartment alive than how many came in.

Food ordered and games underway, they find themselves all gathered around Kara’s coffee table. Brainy and Nia have taken the couch, Alex has taken a chair and Lena has taken the other. Since the last thing Kara wants is to be squeezing herself into the gap left next to the young lovebirds, she’s taken a cushion and is sitting on the floor and leaning back against Lena’s legs.

Since Lena felt how tense Kara was before, she’s taken it upon herself to gently massage Kara’s shoulders and try to ease out the tension one heavy pet at a time. The more her hands work, the more Kara ends up leaning against her and rolling her head forward between turns to give her more space to work.

The pair are in their own little bubble right up until Alex decides she’s done listening to the rather disgusting sound of Kara’s sighs. “Can you two not? I’m sure this could be classified as lesbian porn.”

“You would know.” Kara mumbles, not lifting her head and bringing her hands up to cover Lena’s to make sure she doesn’t stop.

“You’re gross.” Alex’s nose wrinkles.

Lena shrugs the whole thing off. Kara holds a lot of weight on her shoulders, that cape is filled with the sorrows and pain of not one but two planets so if she has to do a little maintenance every once in a while, she’s not going to complain. Even steel corrodes.

With the position they’re in, she can only reach her shoulders without it being uncomfortable for the pair of them having to move so eventually the shoulder massage just turns into head scratches and Kara is flush against her legs by that point and has given up on even pretending she’s interested in the game.

Kara whines when there’s a knock at the door because she knows she’s got to get up and lose the soothing sensation of nails dragging across her scalp but gets up anyway because if she’s not quick enough then Lena’s likely to rush over and pay for the food when it’s not her turn.

The pizzas are here first but only just, the Chinese arriving only moments after they get it all set up on the counter for everyone to take their fill so it’s easy enough to dish out everyone’s meals.

As always though, they ordered way too much food, even with the extra orders of pizza so what starts as a civilized meal as a group very quickly descends into a free for all, everyone piling their plates high with so much food there’s no way they will be able to finish it all. Well, there is one woman that will definitely finish all of her food and even then she’s probably going to go for seconds.

Kara’s food is piled so high that Lena holds her breath as she carries it across the room to set it on the coffee table because it’s teetering and could very well end up all over the floor but alas, Kara makes it and begins to demolish the food in record time, a hint of superspeed definitely doing the trick in getting it down her before anyone else has managed to so much as make a sizable dent in their plates.

She’s up again and heading back to the leftovers ready to grab another plate when she’s stopped in her tracks by Alex. “Hey, make sure to leave enough for Kelly, she might not have an appetite the size of yours but she still deserves to have a good meal.”

“I know, I’ll be sure to leave her plenty of pizza but there are potstickers with my name on them.”

Nia sighs from the couch. “I wish I could eat like that but apparently my alien genes don’t give me the power of an epic metabolism. It’s so unfair, I want some of Kara’s alienness.”

Kara has zoned out, too busy piling her plate up again but turns back to the group when she hears her name being mentioned. “What was that?”

“We weren’t bullying you, don’t worry,” Alex answers. “We were just saying that you’re a lucky alien for your metabolism. I wish being a human would give us the power to eat whatever we want but the Kryptonians have to hog that power to themselves. Selfish.”

Lena starts chuckling along but stops abruptly when she takes in the look on Kara’s face. She’s smiling but there’s an emptiness to it she doesn’t think she’s ever seen so prevalent in Kara’s eyes before. She’s laughing but there’s no joy to the sound, just an undertone of something sad.

Then though, Kara is sitting back down and the conversation changes and with it, so does Kara’s mood. She’s smiling again, this time more genuinely but it’s not the same. Lena saw something, something she’s got to file away with what she saw in the fortress because once again she has no idea what to do with it except spend a few sleepless nights taking the scene apart and replaying it until she finds some sense in it.

-

Lena’s fingers dig into her scalp as her face scrunches up in a healthy mixture of annoyance and exhaustion. The piles of paperwork surrounding her feel very much like they are increasing in size by the second and every time she tries to look at a new bit of paperwork or another email, her eyes blur.

Her scalp stings from the sharp stabbing coming from her nails and she pulls her hands away. That’s a habit she’s been meaning to break but just never got around to. It only happens late at night when her work is too overwhelming for how truly tired and rundown she feels. By morning, once she’s had a good rest and is refreshed, she can barely remember the night before and the bad habit is forgotten.

She tries to look at her laptop to see the screen but her eyes blur so she rolls up her shirt sleeve to look at her watch instead. It’s well past midnight. Definitely time to call it a day and pray that sleep finds her easily.

There’s no way she can leave her desk as it is, that’s a surefire way to ensure that she’s overwhelmed from the second she arrives tomorrow. She needs to pack up a little, maybe organize the files so they make more sense as it could make or break her day tomorrow.

She lets out a sigh of complaint and stretches her arms out in front of her, pushing out as much tension as she can before she rolls her neck, wincing when it cracks in two separate points. Her tired eyes fall over the mess on the desk from this new angle and it doesn’t look any better than it did before.

Lena jumps right into it, moving the files into categories and shifting some of them off her desk, mostly the less important ones, so it isn’t so cluttered. In her process of organization, she has to open up some of the files to see exactly where she should stack them. A lot of them are making her wish that she hadn’t, she’s got so much work to do because of a lot of incompetent people.

One of the piles she’s created is just all the stuff she’s got to fix tomorrow because of screw-ups, specifically one guy with connections to a major board member who feels it’s appropriate to block new technologies being created in the research and development department. How does this idiot think this company is going to run if they never create anything new? She’s going to have an uphill battle reprimanding him too because the board member he’s the grandson of holds a lot of power. In fact, there’s a good chance she’s going to have to find a way to get that board member out of the company altogether because of this.

She’s not going to be sad to see him go but it’s going to be a lot of stress and arguing. She’s going to have to hold a meeting with the board that is going to last far too long and she’s going to have to endure a bunch of stupid, rich people that don’t actually have a clue about how to run the company talking down at her like she’s only got half a brain cell.

That’s going to be fun and it’s totally not going to drain her very will to live.

Her head falls into her hands when she finishes up and sees the pile she’s got to tackle in the morning. There’s a lot more to fix than she thought and it could have all been avoided if this guy actually did his job properly instead of trying to sabotage the company. Actually, that’s a good point, why is he trying to sabotage the company?

“What are you trying to do?” Lena murmurs, sitting back down and going through the employee files in search of him to figure out why he, and probably his grandfather, are trying to stop the company from focusing on new projects.

She comes up empty from the initial searches but when she decides to look into the projects he’s been approving or pushing to be approved, she gets her answer. He wants to make weapons again, specifically, the weapons Lex was pushing when he was running the company.

Lex’s fucking cronies are at it again.

Her nails travel back up to her scalp and she puts enough pressure into the clawing that she makes herself wince but that’s not what her focus is on. Her focus is on the fact that no matter how much good she does and no matter how hard she tries, she’s never going to be able to be free of her psychopathic brother. God, she has to get out of here.  

She grabs her purse and shoves her phone into it before making a beeline for the door. This is a problem for tomorrow for sure, she can’t cope with it any more today. She needs to leave because while organizing is great for her workday tomorrow, it’s ruining her mental health today.

As Lena waits for the elevator to take her down, she pulls her phone back out of her purse and debates whether or not it would be too inconsiderate to call Kara at this hour. It’s pretty likely that she’s already asleep, she does have work tomorrow after all, and everyone is stupid enough to deprive themselves of their full eight hours the way she does most days.

Ultimately, she decides it’s not a good idea. As much as she would love to hear her voice and let herself be distracted by her soothing tones, it would be selfish to do that and it would make her want to go over there purely to be on the receiving end of one of Kara’s hugs. They’re magical, both soft and firm at the same time, like hugging a teddy bear that is as protective as a guard dog. She never feels safer than the moments when Kara hugs her.

The parking garage is almost empty, just a few cars over on the far side that belong to the late-night security guards and her fancy Mercedes off on the other side. Usually, she would just call her driver but she always feels guilty having him on call when she knows she’s going to be in the office late.

She clambers into the driver’s seat and sets off toward home, her eyes heavy and her movements sluggish. It reminds her of the time she saw an article detailing how it’s more dangerous to drive when you’re tired than when you’re drunk and feels a little guilty but there’s not a chance in hell she’s going to wake up Frank, her driver, just because she’s feeling a little dozy. She’ll drive as carefully as possible and keep her fingers crossed. There aren’t many cars out at this time of night anyway and it’s a pretty simple drive.

She gets to the exit of the parking garage and looks both ways but stops despite the lack of traffic. She should turn right to go to her penthouse. If she turns left though, she can go to Kara’s loft.

A while ago, back when she found out about Kara’s alter ego, Kara gave her a key to her apartment. She told her she can go there whenever she wants, she’s always welcome, even if she’s just stopping by for the sake of it. She would have given her a key long before she did if she had been brave enough to reveal her secret, but she was too afraid that Lena would have figured it out on her own otherwise.

She’s only used the key a couple of times and always with a purpose. Usually dropping something off, picking something up, or waiting for Kara to come home so they could go out somewhere. She’s never just dropped by for the sake of it, yet tonight she’s considering it. Even just being in Kara’s space tonight sounds exactly like what she needs to calm her nerves from the shitstorm brewing tomorrow at work. Even if she gets there and Kara is asleep, she’s fallen asleep on Kara’s couch before and it was pretty comfortable, she can sleep there and leave in the morning before Kara even wakes up. Plus, she can get Kara some coffee brewing as a thanks, even if she won’t know that she’s helped her out.

No, she can’t just let herself into Kara’s apartment like that. That would be creepy.

But Kara did offer.

Screw it, she needs this tonight. She’ll feel guilty about it tomorrow but just for one night, she’s going to do this and allow herself the opportunity to have a good night’s rest feeling safe and secure.

She turns left.

It only takes her half the time to get to Kara’s place from L-Corp than usual because the roads are practically empty. Lena’s glad because with every turn she makes, she’s already losing the stress of the day on the road behind her, Kara’s pull bringing her in.

With shaky fingers, she rifles through her keys and picks out the one to Kara’s apartment, smiling at the little heart keychain that has a little smiley face on it. It’s all very Kara. As quietly as she can, she slides it into the lock and opens the door, doing her best to keep the noise levels down so she doesn’t alert Kara to her presence and wake her up.

The door clicks shut behind her and she winces, afraid that she’s going to wake up Kara. However, when she turns around to make her way to the couch to set up camp for the night, she realizes that she wouldn’t have woken her because she’s already awake.

Kara is sitting on the floor, legs crossed and a flickering candle in front of her. Her eyes are closed and her head is ducked but Lena knows she’s not sleeping because her lips are moving. She’s murmuring to herself, the words foreign and indistinguishable.

It brings her back to the memory of her walking in on Kara at the fortress, except this time she can see what Kara is doing clear as day. She’s doing some kind of meditation, Kryptonian meditation.

Lena carefully pulls her heels off, sets them beside the overflowing shoe rack, and leaves her purse on one of the chairs beside the kitchen table. She wanders slowly towards Kara, her face lit up by the candle, the only light in the room. She looks beautiful but there’s something bothering her, a crinkle between her eyebrows that gives away as much and her lips are turned down as she talks as if she’s trying not to cry.

The light shows off the sharp curve of her jaw and the line of her nose. All Lena wants to do is stare. Her eyes flit over every part of Kara that is illuminated and the light golden shine of Kara’s hair might just beat out the blue of Kara’s eyes as her new favourite. Though she’s sure it wouldn’t come close if Kara had her eyes open so she could see them in this light.

She keeps moving closer, her eyes never leaving Kara’s form, her brain struggling to comprehend anything other than how beautiful she is. It’s times like this when she isn’t even mad about her ongoing feelings for Kara. She truly never stood a chance. Her heart hopped right out of her chest and into Kara’s hand from the first time they met. And honestly, Lena’s not mad about it at this point because having Kara in her life, even if she’s doomed to stay single and pine for the rest of eternity, is worth it.

A floorboard creaks beneath her foot on one step and Kara’s head whips up so quickly that it makes Lena jump and stumble back. Kara just barely catches her as she trips and starts tumbling to the floor.

“You scared me,” Kara whispers, setting Lena back on her feet but keeping her close so she can pull her into the hug Lena’s desperate for.

“Sorry. I just…” Lena ponders lying but when Kara is looking at her with imploring blue eyes, she can’t. “I just wanted to be here.”

Her honesty is rewarded with a tiny smile and a faint pink glow to her cheeks, one Lena can only just make out in the dim light. “I’m glad you came then.”

“Me too.” Lena breathes, holding onto Kara tightly and taking everything she needs from the hug. She prays that she’s giving Kara just as much comfort because from what she saw, she’s not the only one with struggles. She just wishes Kara would open up to her about them. “Can we turn on a light?”

Kara squeezes her tighter. “In a minute. You’re warm.”

Lena sinks into the embrace even deeper, leaning completely into Kara and not caring that she’s setting so much of her weight into her. If anyone is going to catch her, it’s her Kryptonian best friend and she wouldn’t have it any other way, not when it feels like this.

“Bad day at work?” Kara mumbles into her hair after a minute.

“Terrible,” Lena replies. “What about you? Bad day at the office or at the DEO?”

“Both.” Kara mumbles. “But I don’t want to talk about it.”

Lena almost had her there, almost got her to open up. The floodgates are always so firmly sealed that Lena’s kind of shocked she even got Kara to admit to being upset but she’ll take it. “Me neither. I just want to sleep, can I stay?”

Kara nods. “Always.”

When they finally part, Kara vanishes from in front of her with a burst of super speed. By the time Lena blinks away her confusion the candle is nowhere in sight, a lamp has been turned on and Kara is standing beside her with a spare set of pyjamas in hand, held out in offering.

-

“Why not?”

Lena folds her arms across her chest. “If you think I’m going to let you fly me into the children’s hospital and make a spectacle of both of us because you’re too impatient to travel by car like every other person on this planet, you’re sadly incorrect.”

Kara deploys a pout she thinks will have enough power to crumble Lena’s resolve. “But we will be able to spend more time with the kids if I fly us there. Don’t you want to make the kids' day?”

“It’s because you know there’s going to be cake there since you heard me on the phone with the caterer the other day. Don’t pretend this is for the children. Sit down, we’re waiting for Frank and he’s driving us there whether you like it or not.” Lena puts on her CEO voice, the one she usually reserves for the boardroom, and raises a single commanding eyebrow at Kara.

It’s a relatively new thing, her using that persona with Kara, but it’s immensely effective at getting Kara to do what she’s told, a fact that Lena is being especially careful not to take advantage of. It’s really cute though, the fact that all she has to do is be a little commanding and Kara gives in. The mighty Girl of Steel gives in just because she’s being bossy.

Kara makes her way over to the couch following Lena’s demand and pulls her cape to one side before lowering herself down. She sets the material across her lap so her fingers have something to fiddle with while she waits.

Lena holds back a smile and joins her after double-checking that she has everything she needs to take to the hospital. Kara tilts her body towards Lena when she sits beside her and Lena finds her fingers reaching out for the cape to pinch the edge of it, running the pads of her fingers over the stitching. “I don’t think he’ll be long.”

“Ok,” Kara simply answers, still gazing at her softly. “I can’t wait to see all of the kids, they’re always super sweet.”

“I know, I’ve heard they’re already clamouring to see their favourite superhero in action but I have to admit something.” Lena takes a deep breath. She hadn’t wanted to bring Kara along under false pretences but she really needs her help. That being said, she doesn’t want Kara to get there and be blindsided.

Kara’s eyebrows scrunch together. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t just ask you to come along because the kids want to meet Supergirl, although that is also true, they can’t wait to meet you. I asked you to come along because we’ve just had our first round of aliens come into the hospital as staff and some of the kids are struggling to adapt to it, they are scared or nervous. I don’t know, just not comfortable. I was hoping that maybe by making the comparison between the staff and Supergirl, they could overcome it slightly. I don’t want it to get bad enough that I’m forced to only have human staff because the aliens are great at their jobs. Trust just needs to be built.”

Kara’s expression doesn’t change throughout her explanation and it takes her a moment to speak. It makes Lena nervous, watching Kara as she watches her. Letting Kara think everything through is her best chance at Kara still coming to the hospital willingly rather than just to keep the kids happy. Kara won’t back out now because she doesn’t want to disappoint them.

“I get that. I would have appreciated more of a heads up but I get it. Why didn’t you just ask me though?” Kara is more confused than mad.

Lena’s fingers continue scraping their way along the seam of the cape, her gaze dropping down to watch them travel along the material. “You’ve always stayed away from anything too political if possible, I wasn’t sure if you would put this in that category and want to sit it out.”

She winces when Kara makes a squeaky sound with her lips as she sucks on her teeth. “That’s dumb. I do try to stay out of politics but this is different. This means the jobs of a lot of well-deserving aliens and the care of kids. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. You didn’t have to try and trick me into it.” 

“I’m sorry.” Lena chances a glance up towards her face, darting her eyes away sharply when she locks eyes with Kara for the briefest of moments. 

Kara’s fingers play with the edge of her cape as well, but seeing the way Lena looks away so quickly and the shame spreading across her face instantly, she drops it to cover Lena’s hand with hers. “I forgive you, just please don’t do it again.” 

Lena’s teeth find her bottom lip. “Do you really or are you just saying that to be nice?” 

“We’ve gotten past the part of our relationship where I forgive you just to be nice. I have no issues telling you when you’re being mean or when you’re crossing a line. This is something forgivable. Next time, it won’t be. We live and we learn. Are you planning on doing it again?” 

“Well…no,” Lena responds sheepishly.

“Cool, then stop pouting, that’s my forte.” Kara nudges her with a shoulder, sending her off balance. The movement tears her hands away from Kara and her cape, making it impossible to catch herself on the couch.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you dramatic?” Kara counters.

Lena folds her arms, her eyes shifting to one side out of annoyance. “I resent that.”

“I’m sure you do.” Kara nudges her knee against Lena’s and splays her cape across them both more evenly.

Now accepting that she’s been forgiven and has gotten a pass she hadn’t been expecting, Lena takes advantage of the cleared air to rest her head against Kara’s shoulder. “I can’t wait to see you with those kids, they’re always so happy to see you.”

“That’s because every kid wants to be a hero. Every kid wants to grow up to save the world, the cape proves to them they can.” Kara explains, ridding herself of the pressure of being the guest of honour at the hospital. She flaps the edge of the cape up at Lena. “You could just take this with you and they’d be happy.”

Lena shakes her head against Kara’s shoulder, the material of her suit a little scratchy against her skin. “I don’t think you realize how truly loved you are.”

Kara scoffs. “I think you need to see the hypocrisy in that statement.”

“Hey, I’m working on my issues, just ask my therapist. I don’t see you going to therapy.” Lena digs a sharp finger into Kara’s side, making her squirm in response.

“Yeah because that would work.” Kara sarcastically replies. “Hi, I’m here to fix my mental health, please help me forget the image of my entire planet exploding. Please and thank you. Oh, and I also fight bad guys as a side gig which often leads to me getting my ass kicked or almost dying. Do you think that’s healthy? What do you mean it isn’t?”

The entire time Kara runs through her imaginary conversation with a hypothetical therapist Lena gets a sinking feeling in her chest. “Kara, a therapist isn’t just someone to help you forget the bad shit in your life. It’s someone to help you work through it.”

“I don’t think it’s possible to work through the death of an entire species, Lena.” Kara answers back sharply.

Before Lena can answer back and try to reassure Kara that she didn’t mean it in that way, Kara is standing up, jolting Lena in the process and stalking away with an excuse of using the bathroom before they go.

Now that Kara has gone, her lap is cold from the lack of a warm cape and her chest is tight. Kara advocated for her to see a therapist when she was first deciding but when it comes to looking after herself she’s completely unwilling to tolerate the conversation. It’s not the first or last time Kara will put her own well-being on the back burner but this feels like more than that. Kara has some serious trauma and she’s not willing to touch on it more than vague comments here and there. Lena doesn’t know how to help her when Kara doesn’t want help.

Not knowing what else to do, she checks her phone and figures that Frank will be there to pick them up very soon. They might as well head downstairs to wait for him. Lena leaves her office, closing the door softly behind her and giving a tight-lipped smile to Jess. “Is she in the bathroom down the hall?”

“Ms Danvers headed toward the one on the other side of the floor. She looked upset.”

“She is. I’m going to go check on her and then we’re heading out. You’re free to leave and take the rest of the day to yourself. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jess shakes her head. “That’s not necessary, Ms Luthor. I can keep working without you here.”

“You work just as hard as I do, have a rest and come back tomorrow with those stress lines on your forehead gone.”

Jess’ hand shoots up to her head. “I don’t have—” She sees Lena’s smirk. “I’ll go.”

“Good, enjoy the rest of your day,” Lena says, already walking away down the hall to the other bathroom to check on Kara. Talking with Jess helped ease her worry about Kara but it hasn’t dissipated completely.

Coming up to the bathroom door, Lena slows and takes a deep breath before pushing her way inside. “Kara? Are you in here?”

“I’ll be just a minute,” Kara calls out from inside one of the cubicles.

“Are you ok?”

A second of silence follows the question before a sniffle can be heard. “Fine. I’ll be out in a second.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Kara answers, her voice wobbly.

Lena leans back against the sink and waits for Kara to come out. When Kara does, she aims right for the sink to wash her hands whilst refusing to make eye contact with Lena. However, Lena won’t let it go unaddressed. “Kara, what happened back in my office?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just go and see those kids, ok?”

“Kara—”

“I’m fine, I promise.”

She doesn’t believe her and Kara knows it but now isn’t the time. Frank will be here any second and they have a pretty important day ahead of them. “Ok. Are you ready to go? I was thinking that we could move downstairs to wait.”

“Sounds good.” Kara meets her eyes in the mirror and offers a strained smile.

-

Lena watches from across the ward as Kara is swarmed by kids, all of them scrambling to get to her as fast as they can and tugging at her cape when she’s in arm’s reach. She has to give it to the woman, if she were the one being used as a jungle gym, she wouldn’t be grinning like a madwoman the way Kara is.

She didn’t dare bring up what happened in the office while they were on their way. Instead, she opted for small talk and generally observed how Kara mentally pumped herself up. It was a sight Lena had never been privy to before; one where Kara sits with her eyes clamped shut for a solemn moment, her lips pressed tightly together in a stiff line, and her eyebrows furrowed before slowly, as they got closer to their destination, her entire face eased. Her lips parted into a gentle smile, her eyebrows lifted and her eyes opened to reveal glistening blue irises hiding all the pain Kara has endured throughout her life. 

A part of her is jealous that she doesn’t get as much attention as Kara does. It’s a short-lived feeling when Kara occasionally turns her head towards her to show off a dopey grin usually followed by a jaunty wave. She has the attention she craves from those interactions; she doesn’t need it from anyone else. 

For the most part, Lena ends up talking with the hospital staff and management to get feedback on the facility and to see how she can improve the place going forward. However, the issue of treatment resistance keeps popping up when the alien doctors are the ones working. The kids just don’t trust them. 

Lena looks up when she hears Kara gently ushering the kids back to their rooms. It’s clear she’s getting worried about them worsening their conditions because they’re pushing themselves too much for a chance to be close to her. She’s especially worried about the kids who keep trying to climb onto her since most of them have IVs. She certainly doesn’t want them to get snagged or caught on anything. 

“Go back to your cubicles and rooms, I’ll make sure to come and speak to all of you before I have to go.” Supergirl’s powerful yet calming tone gets them all moving, their jaws still dropped in awe at seeing their city’s official hero and unofficial mascot in person. 

Kara strides her way over after the last child has returned to the safety of their hospital bed. Lena greets her with a smile. “Hey, you looked busy over there.” 

“I was five seconds away from being a permanent climbing frame for those little guys.” Kara jokes. “I think I got them to trust me enough that we can talk to them about the alien doctors now. I thought about speaking to them privately or in small groups.”

“I think they already trust you, Supergirl.” 

“Well…yeah, but I want to just reaffirm that I’m a person, not just a flying, world-saving superhero. I think getting them to see that each alien is a person too will help us immensely in our plight.” Kara’s hands naturally fall to her hips as they always do when she’s in her Supergirl outfit, the cape bringing her confidence she hardly manages to find when she’s dressed as just Kara. 

Lena’s hand reaches out to rest on her arm but she catches herself. She can’t do that in public, rumours form way too easily. Her hand taps Kara’s arm lightly before dropping back down to her side awkwardly. The embarrassment lights up Lena’s cheeks in a pale pink that Kara has complimented when she’s seen it in the past. 

She feels awkward and doesn’t know what to do with her hands now. With an ungraceful motion, she brushes back a non-existent hair that doesn’t exist since she has it slicked back into her signature CEO ponytail. 

“Ok, yeah, sure, that makes sense.” She rattles off. “Um... shall we start talking with them?” 

Kara nods. “Yeah, are you ok though? You seem nervous.” 

Lena shrugs noncommittally. “This is an important message to get across. I’m a little apprehensive, to be honest.” 

“Understandably.” Kara soothes her worries, taking her words at face value. In reality, Lena is more concerned about what happened in her office earlier. With that outburst to add to her list, Lena is finally getting a general idea about why Kara has been acting strangely. She can see that it all relates back to her life on Krypton. She fears she will never get enough detail on it to be able to help in any lasting way because of how closed off Kara is about her previous life. Understandably, she has some very large, very raw wounds about Krypton but Lena’s sure something has happened recently to trigger this. Surely she would have noticed something before now, right? 

Lena clears her throat. “Let’s go.” 

They go to a ward first, one that holds four patients. A nurse, a human one, opens all of the curtains so they can speak to all four kids at once. They all look to be between ten and fourteen so they have to try and cater their speech to them.

The nurse stays inside the ward. An alien doctor joins him and stands at his side, her purple splodged skin and six-fingered hands on full display.  Kara nods to the pair and starts speaking. “Hey, guys.”

She receives a bunch of greetings in response, all of them managing to at least squeak out an excited ‘hi’ to their favourite superhero.

“I came here to see you for a couple of reasons today. One is just because I like hanging out with you guys, you’re all kind of awesome.” She says with a dorky smile. “The second reason is to see how you’re all feeling about some of the new additions here at Luthor Family Children’s Hospital.” She gestures to the nurses at the edge of the room, not picking either out.  

None of the kids offer up an answer to her gentle inquiry, their gazes fixed on their hands and blankets.

“Come on guys, nobody is going to get mad at you for telling us how you feel. I already have an idea of what you’ve been feeling anyway. Nobody in this place is very good at hiding it.” She keeps a smile on her face even though her heart is aching for the new doctors and nurses that are just trying to help and fit in after moving to a planet that isn’t ready to accept them.

The oldest kid takes it upon himself to speak for the four of them. “It’s weird.”

“Thanks for being honest.” Kara jumps on the opportunity to have an actual conversation. “Can you elaborate?”

He shrugs a little. “I don’t know. It’s just…” His eyes dart to the alien nurse before returning back to his fidgeting hands. “It’s weird.”

“Is it their looks that are making you feel nervous or is it because they are aliens?”

The kid looks terrified, obviously afraid he’s going to give Supergirl an answer she doesn’t want to hear. “I don’t know much about aliens.”

“So it’s the uncertainty that is making you nervous? You don’t know anything about them so you’re not sure what to expect?” Kara reads between the lines.

“I guess so.” He shrugs again.

Lena steps forward. “Perhaps some educational programs would be helpful. We could set up a system or a book perhaps that everyone could read to get to know a little about their doctors. I personally love learning about all of the cultures of each planet and the different ways species adapt to their planet’s natural environments.”

“It’s true, she questioned me for weeks about my planet and the differences in our bodies because I’m an alien.” Kara jumps in.

“That’s different.” He responds quickly before ducking his head again, well aware he just put his foot in his mouth.

Kara and Lena share a confused look before Lena turns to the boy. “How so?” She keeps her tone light in an attempt to genuinely understand.

All the other kids stay quiet, content to let the boy talk for them. “We know you. You protect the city.”

Kara tilts her head dramatically, her eyes finding the ceiling as her eyebrows furrow. It’s clear she’s thinking and the room is dead silent as everyone awaits her response.

“Do you think firefighters protect this city?”

“Of course.” The boy answers.

“And the police?”

“Yes.” He’s getting nervous, seeing where this is going.

“And doctors?”

“I guess so.”

Kara has made her point.  “So, if we’ve established that doctors protect this city, why don’t you believe that an alien doctor is protecting this city?”

“I guess they are.”

Kara’s fingers dig into her own hips as she sways to a beat nobody else in the room is privy to. “I think that there’s a lot of apprehension towards the new doctors and that’s ok. You’re allowed to take some time to get used to it. It is a big change for a lot of people and we want to make that change easier on everyone. Aliens are becoming a larger part of our society. There is an influx of new immigrants every day. Fortunately, Earth is kind enough to allow them to seek refuge. This planet gave me a safe place to live when my planet couldn’t and the way I pay back the kindness is by helping. The new doctors are paying you back by helping too, they just do it in a different way. We’re all aliens working to make society a little better the only way we can.

“I know a lot of the times when you see aliens, it’s on the news doing bad stuff. Then you see me stopping them but what you don’t see is the vast number of aliens aren’t bad. We all come from different planets and backgrounds and cultures but we all have the same goal in mind; we want to make this planet as great as it can be.”

“Well said.” Lena places a hand on her shoulder.

“But you’re not an alien really.” The boy doesn’t hold his tongue. “You’re one of us. You look like us and you think like us. You’re only an alien because you can fly and shoot lasers out of your eyes, you’re basically a human otherwise though. You’re not like them.”

“Thomas.” The girl in the bed next to him hisses. She looks to be around 12 and is much more open to what Kara was trying to say.

Lena, seeing Kara reeling from the words spoken to her, words that hit her harder than any alien ever could, steps up to take over. “I think a bit more explaining is in order. “

Kara nods passively at her side as she steps forward, therefore, shielding Kara.

All eyes are on Lena now. “An alien is anyone that wasn’t born on Earth. Each species has its own culture and way of life. We have to find a balance between their cultures and ours. Sometimes, they overlap. One of the ways they overlap here is that they have doctors and so do we. They bring so much more knowledge than humans could ever have alone and they can heal people in ways we can’t. They are here to do that and we must show them the same love we give to human doctors because they are just here to help.”

Thomas looks a little chastised but not overly convinced. The other three kids are now curiously glancing over at the alien nurse, a little less apprehensive with the reassurance that she is here to help.

The girl in the bed closest to her holds out her hand and the nurse cautiously steps towards her and takes it. “I like your purpleness.”

“I like your pinkness.” The alien responds, making the girl giggle.

Lena watches the interaction closely. They aren’t about to win all of the kids over but some kids, they can and this is proof. Her lips quirk up into a smile and she turns to share the moment with Kara but finds her blankly staring at the wall.

“Supergirl?” Thomas calls out nervously.

Kara snaps out of it, her face returning to its regular happiness. “Yes?”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You’re ok. Sometimes all we need is a little hand in learning new things. Part of learning new things is making conclusions and testing them. You didn’t do anything wrong; you just need more research. I bet Ms Luthor can help you with that.”

Thomas looks between them, bobbing his head up and down in acceptance.

-

Lena feels guilty about leaving Kara out on her balcony but she previously cancelled the meeting with this shareholder three times and couldn’t make it four. It would set off alarm bells in the company that would take far too much work for her to make it worth blowing it off again.

Kara showed up right as she was about to head into the conference room and she can still envision the little sad puppy-dog pout she got on when Lena told her she couldn’t stay in the office.

To be fair, Kara took it like a champ and didn’t try to persuade her to stay. She just accepted it with a face of dissatisfaction and acceptance. It’s just a shame her dissatisfied face involves a pout that makes Lena want to rearrange her entire schedule just to make it go away.

She’s just finished the meeting, spending the entirety of it watching the ever-ticking clock out of the corner of her eye, and hurriedly rushes to her office, all too eager to get to Kara to enjoy a nice lunch together.

After what happened at the hospital, she hasn’t been able to reach Kara on a deeper level. The blonde keeps her guard way up at all times and changes the subject when the topic comes up. 

Following their first attempt at explaining to the kids how the alien doctors are just there to help in the same way the human ones are, Kara let Lena do most of the speaking, clearly affected by the young boy’s words that were spoken out of ignorance.

The interaction keeps replaying over and over in her head. Now that she’s a few days out from the conversation, she’s thought of literally thousands of things she could have said that would have been better and perhaps more impactful in the moment but there’s nothing she can do now.

They made a huge difference though, that much they can’t deny. A lot of the kids have made attempts to connect with the alien staff since their visit. They are getting daily progress reports of the improvements so at the very least, they have made some of the changes they set out to make.

Lena opens her office door distractedly. She’s clearly not paying attention to what she’s doing, too caught up in her thoughts about what happened at the hospital and Kara’s strange reactions to different scenarios in the past few weeks.

She snaps out of it when she gets to her desk and drops the files she was carrying on top of it. It takes her a second to get her bearings, a little confused about what she’s doing due to her lack of paying attention.

A frown makes its home on her face as she takes a look around the room, Kara nowhere in sight. She was certain that Kara said she’d wait here but maybe she got called away on Supergirl business. That’s certainly not something Lena can complain about. Kara wouldn’t be Kara if she didn’t help those in need after all.

With a heavy sigh, Lena falls back into her office chair and lets it rock from the momentum for a few seconds before doing a dramatic spin. As she spins, something blue and red catches her eye for a millisecond before it’s gone. She pushes off so hard she has to do a double take and half-spin to look back out at the balcony. Sitting there in all of her primary-coloured glory is Kara.

She’s sitting in a position Lena has seen her in before and her lips are forming words that are not known to the English language. They aren’t known to any language from Earth.

Lena watches in wonder as Kara allows her blonde hair to curtain her face as her head tilts forward. A soft breeze caresses through it periodically, a whisper in return to the words Kara is barely murmuring.

It truly feels like she’s watching something magical. It’s enchanting in a way she can’t describe. The pinch of Kara’s closed eyes is a locked door to the wonders and pain within that Lena longs to see but has been barred from ever encountering. The fingertips that rest atop the blue material stretched over Kara’s knees have turned white from the strength of their grasp, the only hint Lena feels she may ever get of the power of the feelings Kara endures day by day.

Lena just can’t stop looking. It feels like if she looks away, even for a moment, the moment will be broken and she’ll never get an opportunity like this again.

She blinks and the moment is gone, a breath in the wind.

Kara’s eyes open, her hands move from her knees and she floats her way onto her feet. She moves from the balcony, letting herself into the office and awkwardly scratching at the back of her head. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Lena croaks back, her throat dry, probably from having her mouth hanging open in her frozen, enamoured state.

Kara trills her lips together, creating a little vibrating buzzing sound. “Uh… how was your meeting?”

“It was ok. I tried to hurry so you wouldn’t be out here alone for too long. I actually thought that you might have shot off to rescue a cat out of a tree or something.”

“Not this time,” Kara answers, pulling out one of the chairs on the opposite side of Lena’s desk and taking a seat. “I was just…”

“Meditating?”

Kara hesitates, clearly not wanting to confirm what she was doing despite being fully aware that Lena saw her. “Yeah.” Her voice is small and Lena can’t help but imagine that’s how Kara sounded when she first arrived on Earth as a traumatized, orphaned twelve-year-old.

Lena’s tired of this though. She still has no idea what’s going on with Kara and at this point, it’s crystal clear that she’s not going to get any answers by just sitting around and watching from a distance. She only has one choice if she’s ever going to find out what’s going on in Kara’s mind and it’s a really risky option. It’s either going to reward her with all of the answers she’s been clamouring for or she’s going to continue to receive The Great Kryptonian Avoidance Technique, also known as Kara telling her there’s an emergency seconds before flying out of the window.

“Kara?”

“Yeah?” Kara asks, her voice quiet, seemingly foreseeing what’s coming.

“We need to talk about it.”

Kara looks down at the white desk and the thin layer of dust gathering across the surface. She focuses on that, distracting herself with the thought that Lena really needs to allow janitors in her office because she always forgets to dust and then complains when she gets allergies. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Lena shakes her head tiredly. “We both know that’s not true. I’ve been seeing hints of it for weeks, Kara. I don’t pretend to know what’s going on inside of your head and I know that I will likely never be able to understand the pain you feel every day but keeping that pain held so tightly it burns you from the inside isn’t healthy.”

“Lena, drop it.” It’s a demand. One filled with undertones of desperation and agony. It’s followed by a strained, “Please.”

“You know I’m not going to do that. I can’t.” Lena reaches across the desk to offer her upturned palm to Kara, something stable to hold onto if she decides to take down her walls brick by brick.

Kara’s head shakes and she pushes her chair back, the legs scraping against the carpeted floor harshly. “I’m sorry, I… there’s…I can’t.” Kara stands up and starts marching towards the balcony.

“Kara Zor-El Danvers, don’t you dare take another step.” Lena jumps to her feet and shouts her order at Kara’s back. “Don’t leave.”

Kara looks back over her shoulder, her face scrunched and her lips trembling. “Someone needs help.”

She leaves.

The Great Kryptonian Avoidance Technique won out. She’s gone. 

-

Lena’s phone vibrates beneath her thigh where it’s trapped under her leg as she sits on the couch. Her reaction is instantaneous. She snatches it up and checks it to see who the message is from and her shoulders droop in disappointment, it’s from the wrong Danvers sister.

Two more days of silence from Kara will mark three weeks with them not speaking and that’s the longest they’ve gone since they’ve been friends. Kara’s been completely avoiding her since she attempted to confront her in her office and now Lena’s left regretting that decision immensely, perhaps more than she’s ever regretted anything before. 

The worrying thing is that Alex hasn’t been able to get in touch with her either and neither have any of their other friends. Lena skipped out on the past two game nights when she found out Kara had already cancelled, so the loneliness is kicking in.

Alex has been a godsend though. She doesn’t have much detail about why Kara has started avoiding everyone, all she knows is that something went down between Kara and Lena. She hasn’t turned her back on Lena though and for that, Lena is grateful. She was expecting her to show up at her door with her gun raised for hurting her sister but instead, she’s sending her texts every morning telling her to have a good day and keeping her updated on her communication status with Kara.

Every update is the same though. Radio silence. Upon checking her most recent message from Alex, Lena learns that hasn’t changed. They know she’s physically fine, she’s still been showing up to work and helping people as Supergirl. However, she hasn’t been to the DEO and if anyone tries to approach her at her desk, she makes a swift exit and doesn’t go back until the coast is clear.

Lena’s been to Kara’s apartment four times already and every time she’s been, Kara either hasn’t been there or she’s pretended not to be. It’s frustrating and Lena’s getting tired of it but almost all of her frustration is drowned out by worry.

If their brush with the big conversation has told her anything, it’s that Kara is struggling in a major way and she needs help. How is she supposed to help when she hasn’t been able to get anywhere near Kara? Even if she does manage to get close to her, it’s not like she’s had much luck getting the truth out of her, so what is she meant to do?

Lena is a nervous wreck over the whole situation and she can’t let it go on much longer. Jess keeps sending her home early and when she tries to protest she makes a show of pointing out the stress lines across her forehead, which is both unprofessional and effective. She can barely focus on work when she is there and since she’s working on some very important new medical technology, she needs her head in the game. 

This technology could save lives and it can’t be put off because she’s too busy fending off a panic attack thinking about the chance of her best friend doing something stupid because she’s struggling. Kara has never been the best at handling her emotions and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s made silly mistakes in fights because she’s working through her feelings. She needs to fix this today.

That’s it. Lena pushes herself out of the comforting hold of her stupidly expensive couch. It usually makes her feel better when she’s sad, in no small part due to Kara’s constant insistence that she’s going to steal it one day because it’s so comfortable. Right now though, it doesn’t feel as comfy anymore, it feels suffocating and she needs to get out of its restricting grip.

Before she forgets, Lena responds to Alex with a simple thumbs-up emoji and moves on with her next task in mind.

Lena snatches her keys off the hook.

-

Lena hoped that she would come up with some idea of what to do by the time she got here but no dice. Now she’s just standing outside Kara’s apartment door in the same way she has done several times before, still no new plan on how to get Kara to answer the door.

She knocks softly at first but when it goes unanswered, her knocks get firmer. She knocks so hard that her knuckles begin to ache from the force of her hand against the wood and turn an alarming shade of red. 

No answer.

Ok, so Kara doesn’t want to open the door, Lena will do it herself. She has never used Kara’s key when she specifically knows Kara doesn’t want her there. She barely even uses it when she knows she does. Lena carefully picks Kara’s front door key out from her keyring and hesitates for only the briefest of moments before slotting it into the keyhole with a definitive push. This is for Kara’s own good and besides, it's not like Kara ever asks before showing up on her balcony.

Following a deep breath, she turns the key. It doesn’t unlock. Kara has the door deadbolted. Awesome, another problem for her to try and find a way around. Just what she needs. 

Lena’s never been one to describe herself as desperate but she’s willing to be anything to help Kara. After all the ways Kara has brought love into her life and the evenings spent reassuring her that she’s not only a good person but someone she should be proud to be, she owes it to her to stand up and drag her out of the darkness. To fight away all of the demons that haunt her dreams and nightmares alike.

She slams the side of her fist into the door thrice.

“Kara? I know you’re in there. Let me in!” Lena yells through the door.

The silence that follows doesn’t increase her worry, nor does it increase her annoyance. It only serves to exacerbate her panic. Her best friend is in more pain than she can comprehend and she has seen what happens to people when they can’t handle their pain. She will exhaust every option she can before she allows Kara to do anything that could take her away from her. Lena will never let her go, especially when she knows there’s something she can do to help, even if she’s not sure what that is just yet.

“Kara, I’m not leaving!” She whacks the door again, only stopping when a neighbour pokes his nosy head out into the hallway with a frown. He ducks back into his apartment when he finds himself on the receiving end of the classic Lena Luthor glare, the one that has been proven many a time to bring arrogant assholes to their knees.

“If you don’t answer then I’ll go and get some tools and take your door down! I promise I’m not bluffing.” She finishes her threat by pressing her ear to the door in an attempt to hear if there is any movement inside.

A tiny squeak from one of the floorboards gives Kara away and now that Lena has managed to confirm that Kara is inside, there’s no way she’s giving up now.

“Ok, I guess I better go get those tools then. If I find out you’ve left by the time I get inside then I’ll camp out in there for as long as I need to. You’ll have to come back at some point.”

Lena is much calmer now that she's confident Kara is inside. She never managed to get that confirmation the other times she showed up and from what Alex has told her, she never did either.

She steps away from the door, fully intending on heading back to her car. Her tools are all back at her apartment and L-Corp. Alternatively, there’s a hardware store five minutes up the road. Is she about to buy a bunch of tools she already owns so she can see Kara sooner? Yes, she is.

It doesn’t come to that though because a solid click reaches her ears just as she turns away. It’s followed by the rattling of the door as it’s just barely pulled open.

Lena has never turned her head so fast and for a moment she wonders if she might have just given herself whiplash. She didn’t think that the threat would work.

“Kara?”

Kara stares at her silently, her head held low and her lips turned down. She looks a far cry from her usual happy self and there’s only one thing Lena wants to do.

Kara doesn’t resist as Lena pushes the door further open, taking a step back so it has space and won’t get caught against her legs. Then, she’s pulled forward again, this time into Lena’s waiting arms.

She’s held so tightly that Kara is certain that even with her strength, there is no way she could break out of Lena’s hold, not even if the planet were at stake. 

“I’ve got you,” Lena whispers into her ear and Kara nuzzles her nose into Lena’s neck, the comforting scent of her perfume helping her muscles relax so she can sink further into the embrace. “Thank you for opening the door.”

Lena is grateful to have gotten this far but she is under no illusion that anything that follows this hug will be easy.

Lena pulls back slowly and finds that she almost has to peel Kara off her. It’s a fast transition, Kara not even opening the door to start with, to her being pressed so tightly to her front that it feels as though they are sharing every hollow breath they take.

First things first, she pushes the door shut with finality. She’s staying.

Lena takes in Kara’s appearance and the hardened line of her brows softens, her resolve to force Kara to talk weakening upon seeing the state Kara is in. She wouldn’t say that Kara looks a mess because she always looks beautiful but she doesn’t look great.

Honestly, Lena had no idea that Kara was capable of getting dark bags beneath her eyes and her skin is so pale that it makes her worry that she’s come down with something. She hasn’t seen anything on the news that would suggest a big enough fight that Kara would have blown out her powers but since she’s been so out of the loop for the last few days, she can’t know for sure.

“You look like crap.” She says, her mouth working before her brain can tell her that saying something like that to someone struggling might not be her brightest idea.

“Thanks.” Kara murmurs, her voice raspy, a clear sign she’s been crying. 

Lena reaches out and takes one of Kara’s hands between both of hers. “Have you solar flared?”

“No, not this time. I’m just…” Kara’s eyes drift down to her feet as she finds the right word. “I’m just drained.”

Accepting that answer, Lena guides her over to the couch. Drained is exactly how Kara looks and she’s pretty worried that she doesn’t have enough in the tank to talk about what’s going on. Her worry is that Kara is going to let whatever is eating at her consume her whole. 

“You do realize that we have to talk, don’t you?” Lena latches her gaze onto Kara’s, moving her head when Kara tries to look away to keep the eye contact, rebuilding her connection to Kara one step at a time. 

Kara just barely nods, her chin wobbling and her teeth gritted. She knows she can’t avoid this forever, she just wishes she could avoid it for a little longer. “Can I get water first?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Lena allows Kara to pull her hand free. It’s obvious that Kara’s thoughts aren’t actually on water, she’s just trying to buy herself some time. It’s less clear whether that’s because she’s trying to compose herself or she’s trying to buy more time, even if it’s just a few measly seconds. 

Kara’s hands shake as she reaches up into the cabinet to grab a glass. Attempting to quell her impatience, Lena tries to guess which glass she thinks Kara will pick since none of them match. She guesses wrong. Rather than a large, blue-tinted, bowl-shaped one she often chooses because it’s always at the front, she chooses a clear one, plain and regimented. A glass with no personality. 

Each movement Kara makes is tracked dutifully by Lena but the blonde doesn’t notice. She’s too caught up in her own thoughts, having already filled the glass and started mindlessly sipping, her expression completely vacant. 

Lena takes this as her moment. This is as calm as Kara is going to be and she thinks gentle reassurance is the answer to getting her to open up with less resistance. She pushes herself off the couch and moves slowly towards the kitchen, keeping her movements obvious. The last thing she wants to do is startle Kara.

“Kara, before I say anything else, I want to tell you that whatever it is you’re going through and whatever feelings you’re dealing with, it’s alright to feel weak. You are allowed to feel weak and feel whatever comes your way. It doesn’t mean you aren’t strong and capable. Talking about what’s bothering you doesn’t make you weak. You are one of the strongest people I know.

“Earlier, I was thinking about something you told me once. You told me that on Krypton it was considered brave to express your fears, that hiding them serves no purpose. I think that’s something us humans could learn from your people and I’d like to start practising that myself. I feel that if anyone could show me how it’s done, my alien best friend who is the strongest person I know could provide a good example.” 

Kara scoffs. She gets why Lena is trying to come from that angle, an attempt to entice her into talking by incorporating Krypton into her speech. Lena’s smart enough to realize the feelings she’s hiding stem from her home planet. “Feeling weak isn’t the issue.” 

“No? Then why are you hiding? I can see that you’re protecting yourself from something but that protection isn’t doing its job, it’s suffocating you. I just want to help, Kara. You might be a mighty Kryptonian and have a whole bunch of powers that us delicate humans don’t, but I can still help. I can’t hear a raindrop from miles away or lift a car but I can listen and lift some of the weight from your chest.” 

Kara shakes her head, her lips tightening and her jaw clenching so tight it’s painful. “You really don’t get it.” 

“Get what? Tell me so I can understand.” Lena presses and goes to take a step closer to Kara but she’s out of reach and pacing through her kitchen before she can make any significant progress. 

“You don’t get it. I’m not an alien because of that.” The words are harsh, almost spat at Lena and coated in a thick layer of hatred. 

To her credit, Lena does try to make sense of the sentence, mentally dissecting it, flipping it, and studying it in as much detail as she can in the short space of time before Kara gives up on expressing herself. Unfortunately for her, her brain just can’t figure this one out. “What do you mean?” 

Kara’s lips wobble, a wet anger overtaking her as her eyes fill with unshed tears she stubbornly refuses to let slip. “You think I’m an alien because of what I can do. Everyone does. None of you understand.” 

Lena frowns so deeply her face aches, her mind buzzing away trying to fully understand the half-explanations she’s getting. “Kara, I–”

“You know what? It’s fine. You’ll never get it.” Kara throws her hands up, her pacing stopping so she can pick up her glass and take another sip. It’s the angriest sip Lena has ever seen and she’s seen herself in a mirror taking a drink after an eight-hour board meeting. 

“You’re right, I’ll never get it if you don’t explain it to me. Come on, I know you’re smarter than I am. In fact, you’re smarter than pretty much everyone on this planet, right? You were the youngest member to ever be accepted into the science guild. You told me that. You have to give me a minute to catch up.” 

For a fraction of a moment, it looks like Lena has slightly won Kara over. The glass isn’t released but it’s resting on top of the counter, Kara’s hand still surrounding it. It’s short-lived because Lena makes the misguided mistake of continuing. 

“You’re our smart, strong Kryptonian and you always know how to help us humans out when we need a hand. You use your strength to help when we need it, or your speed, or in cases like this, your intellect.” 

The glass flies across the room and lands in a shattered heap in the sink. “For fuck’s sake! You still don’t fucking get it!” Kara’s never raised her voice to her like this before. She’s practically screaming, her eyes held wide as though she’s prepared to turn her to dust at any moment. On top of that, she can’t remember the last time she’s ever heard Kara swear at someone. She’s sworn before, of course, but it’s always because she’s dropped something or knocked something over, not screaming at someone she loves in pure unadulterated rage. 

“Kara…” Lena trails off, frozen in place. She knows Kara would never hurt her but there’s something about the look of pure, barely restrained anger and having the knowledge that she would be dead in seconds if Kara lost control even for an instant. 

Kara sucks in a sharp breath, her eyes slamming closed and her palms covering them. Lena spots a faint glow lighting up the flesh and her breath stutters when it clicks in her head that Kara is firing her heat vision off on her own hands. That or it’s happening on its own and she’s attempting to protect Lena from it. She’d much prefer to believe the latter. 

The glow fades and Kara’s hands fall from her eyes, the palms singed black. “This is why you should have stayed away.” She snaps.

“I’m not leaving.” Lena states, clenching her hands into fists to stop the unwanted shake from being visible. 

“I’m not safe to be around.” 

“Perhaps, perhaps not. Either way, I’ve been in more dangerous situations and I’m going to stay until I understand, Kara. One way or another, I will understand and I will help you.”

Kara’s head shakes and tears finally fall. “You can’t help me, Lena.”

“Try me. Tell me what you meant when you said that you’re not an alien because of what you do.” 

Kara’s head drops forward, a violent sob wracking her body. “I can’t.” 

“Yes, you can.” Lena hurries forward, taking Kara’s burnt hands carefully into her own. She avoids touching the centre of each, afraid of hurting her. 

“I…Supergirl is…I don’t.” Kara attempts the start of her explanation a few times, her face scrunching up and her head shaking each time she rejects the explanations. 

Lena stays close, refusing to let her go, her thumbs caress Kara’s wrists carefully. “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Kara sniffs loudly. “I’m not an alien because I’m Supergirl.” 

“I know that, silly.” Lena tries to joke but Kara’s not laughing. 

“You don’t.” 

“Of course I do. You’re an alien because you’re a Kryptonian.”

Kara bites her lip hard enough that Lena winces at the sight. “I don’t get to be myself as an alien because of Supergirl. She’s not an alien. Not really.”

“I’m kind of following but I’ll need more of an explanation.” Lena admits. “Can we sit down and talk more?” 

Kara pulls her hands loose and cradles them to her chest. She starts pacing again. “I can’t sit. I have too much in my head. I can’t–” She loses her words and loses her temper again. She roughly combs her fingers through her messy golden locks and brutally digs them into her scalp.

“Hey, hey. You’re ok.” Lena holds her hands out in front of Kara, not touching her but making sure she’s close. “You have too much energy and too much to work through to calm down enough to sit, it’s ok. I’m not in a hurry, just think about what you want to say and speak when you have found the right words.”

She doesn’t get a verbal response but Kara’s hands stop clawing at her head and her pacing is less agitated. Lena assumes she’s getting through to her little by little. There is one thing that is abundantly clear though, Kara has been struggling with this for a lot longer than she realized and something tipped her over the edge.

Kara swallows down the lump in her throat. “When people think of me as an alien, they think of Supergirl. They think Supergirl is the alien in this scenario, but I disagree. I think Supergirl is as human as they come.” 

Lena’s face scrunches in confusion. “How so?” 

Kara shrugs, her anger starting to dissipate the more she shares. “She was born on Earth. Her powers are made from the Earth’s yellow sun. Supergirl can fly because of your sun and the optimal gravitational pull of this planet. Sure, physiology comes into play but Supergirl has never and would never have existed on Krypton.” 

A sudden dawning recognition hits Lena with the force of a freight train, her eyes widen and she lets out a soft gasp. “Right, because Krypton had the red sun, Rao. You didn’t experience any of that. You’re an alien because of your memories and experiences of Krypton, not the ones forced on you living beneath a yellow sun.” 

“My culture makes me an alien. My life on Krypton makes me an alien. The life I lost makes me an alien. Anything that’s happened on Earth? That makes me human and I’m not a human. I don’t feel human, but I have all of this humanity in me that just feels…wrong. I feel like a fraud, Lena. I’m living a lie and I don’t know how to cope with that.”

Lena wants to reach out so badly, to take Kara into her arms again and never let her go. “Do you feel like a fraud as Supergirl or Kara?” She’s almost afraid of the answer, one being significantly worse than the other.

“Both.” Kara’s lips wobble, her eyes close, and her chest heaves with a sob she won’t let escape.

“How can I help?”

Kara’s head shakes from side to side, the movement starts off slow but gets quicker until Lena can’t take it anymore. She walks right up to her and stops the motion with a hand on either side of her face. In response, Kara’s hands fly up to her wrists, but they don’t try to push her away. Her trembling fingertips rest gently against her skin, the shake of them vibrates the flesh because, in her attempt to keep her strength contained, her superspeed activates against her will.

It tickles and Lena has to suppress a smile despite herself. “I’ve got you.”

“I don’t think I can live like this, Lena. How can I live this way when I hate who I am?”

If Lena’s heart wasn’t broken before, it is now. In fact, it shatters into so many fractals that even a world-class jigsaw master couldn’t piece it back together again. “You—” Lena isn’t sure how to build off that. How is she meant to provide any level of meaningful comfort in the face of such a bold, gut-wrenching admission? “Kara…”

Kara sniffs loudly and turns away from her, leaving her standing with her arms held up in the place Kara’s face was. Lena takes a second to reanimate herself, her body slowed by the empathetic agony ravaging her brain.

Kara stalks around the loft before settling in the living room. She stands there for a second, her hands clenching and unclenching as she tries to make a decision that should be simple.  However, in her current state, it is the hardest she’s ever been faced with. Her eyes dart between the couch and the chairs several times. Lena notices. Of course she does, her eyes haven’t left Kara since she moved. She takes the decision out of Kara’s hands by meeting her in the living room and guiding her onto the couch with a gentle hand on her waist.

“There’s nothing I can say to take the pain away, Kara. I wish there was.” Lena says, her voice barely more than a whisper as she piles herself onto the couch beside Kara. She pulls her legs up beside her as she sits at an angle.

“I’ve spent so much time hiding who I am that I can’t remember which parts of me are real anymore. I do know that I’m not what everyone thinks I am, and that makes me so…mad.” Her teeth grit and her hands clench once more. She turns her head away from Lena, terrified that she’s going to scare her off and then she’ll truly be alone. She doesn’t want to be alone anymore.

Lena closes a hand over the clenched fist that is closest to her. “It’s ok to be angry.”

“I just…” Kara’s head drops down, her gaze settling on their joined hands. “I’ve been trying to figure out who I was and who I am, but I didn’t expect to feel so ashamed.”

“Ashamed of who you are or who you’ve become?”

“All of it,” Kara admits, finally looking up into the comforting green of Lena’s eyes. “I’ve been pushing my true, Kryptonian self aside for so long that it feels wrong to try and live authentically. It feels like I’m doing something dirty. I can’t just be Supergirl because she’s a whole other mess that I loathe. I love being able to help people, and the powers can be cool, but I want to feel normal again. I want to feel the same way I did as a kid when I got to wake up in the morning and my first thought wasn’t about being careful so my feet didn’t go through the floorboards. I want to feel that again.”

Lena goes to speak but Kara’s not done. Now that she’s started, she can’t stop.

“Supergirl is everything I thought I needed to be because of what happened to Krypton and what happened to me when I came to Earth. My parents sent me here to protect my cousin, but that wasn’t possible. Instead, I protect everyone. My powers, the ones I never asked for, make sure I can do that. It just fuels this need inside me to prove that my existence outside of Krypton isn’t worthless. That my carefully scripted future, the one torn away from me, means something. I was supposed to be one of the greatest scientists in the Andromeda galaxy. I wanted to be.”

“And what about Kara Danvers?” Lena asks, terrified to hear Kara shred that part of herself to pieces too.

“She’s a lie,” Kara matter-of-factly states.

“How so?”

Kara sighs, “She’s the person I created so I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life alone.”

“Why would you be alone?”

Kara looks at her like she’s just asked the dumbest question on Earth. “This planet doesn’t accept different.”

Lena can’t deny that. “Ok, carry on with your Kara Danvers explanation.”

Kara’s eyes roll as she remembers the point she was making and continues her explanation. “She is a big part of me, I can admit that, but fundamentally, we couldn’t be more different. The hard part is that I’ve spent so long pretending to be her that the mask is a reflex. I respond to situations and questions as her, but I can’t tell where she ends and the real me begins anymore.”

“You don’t think there’s an overlap? That you’re both part of Kara Zor-El?”

“I don’t know who I am. How am I meant to figure that out? What kind of pathetic person doesn’t even know who they are?”

“Hey.” Lena scolds. “I don’t care how upset you are or how much you’re struggling, nobody calls my best friend pathetic. You hear me?”

Kara nods dumbly, more to humour Lena than anything else. “Ok.”

“Good. Since you want to figure out who you are, we’ll do it together.”

“How?”

Lena shrugs. “I’m not exactly sure, but that’s ok. We can figure it out together. Maybe we can start by talking about the person you remember being back when you were on Krypton. If we figure out who you were then maybe we can figure out who you want to be now.”

Kara nods, but it’s apparent that she’s entirely uncertain. Not just about the method but also talking about Krypton. She lets little droplets of information out during conversations when she’s exceptionally relaxed or at ease, but usually only with Alex or Lena. Still, she never has a full-blown conversation with anyone about her past life. The thought alone brings the pain bubbling back to the surface, the fire that took Krypton melting her skin from the inside out.

Lena can sense her trepidation; it’s written all over her face. “We can take it as slow as you need. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

As though she doesn’t really believe her, the hand closest to Lena starts moving and searching until she finds the edge of Lena’s sweater. Her fingers hook into it and close tightly around the fabric. Lena looks down at the knuckles that have whitened with the pressure and briefly thinks that Kara might rip her sweater. Internally, she quickly reminds herself that her sweater is the last thing that matters right now.

Lena scoots closer to Kara so their legs touch and she wraps her arm around the back of the couch, her fingertips almost brushing Kara’s opposite shoulder. Within a few seconds, she subconsciously starts playing with strands of blonde hair and Kara fully leans into her, soaking in the pure comfort of Lena’s embrace.

“Tell me about Krypton, Kara.”

Those words are everything Kara has wanted to hear for years and also everything she doesn’t right now. The duality of it confuses her more than anything, she’s at war with herself and it’s one she can’t predict the outcome of.

“Please.” Lena rests her head against Kara’s.

A stuttering breath.

“Ok.”

“Were you a happy kid?” Lena asks.

It’s definitely not the question she is anticipating. She expected Lena to ask about science or technology, maybe a question or two about the school system or healthcare on Krypton, but this one? A question solely focused on her, not Krypton? It catches her off guard. This isn’t a selfish question, not at all. The fact that she thought so little of Lena, to think she would use this opportunity to quell her curious mind, makes her feel guilty.

“I was.” Kara nudges her head closer to Lena’s, readjusting to find the comfiest spot. “The happiest. I barely remember any time when I was really sad, more than just dumb kid stuff.”

“Like what?”

“When I was eight, I was playing with my Aunt Astra. I was chasing her and I tripped. My forehead smashed against a table in the living room and I knocked off some fancy decorative vase my mom had just bought. I felt so bad because my mom had been raving about that vase all week.”

Lena winces at the thought of a tiny eight-year-old Kara flying into a table face first, her little face quickly dampening with her tears. “Were you alright?”

“I was mostly ok. That’s how I got this scar on my forehead.” Kara places a finger atop her scar and turns her face to show Lena. “I guess the yellow sun doesn’t heal old wounds.”

“I guess not.” Lena frowns, trying to figure out the science of how that works.

“Anyway, my mom was more concerned with the blood pouring down my face, as any mother would, but even at that age, I could see how sad she was about the vase. I tried to pick up the pieces so I could fix it.”

Lena’s lips quirk up. “Let me guess, you cut yourself?”

“Oh, big time. Aunt Astra practically ripped my hand off pulling me away from the shards but it was too late, I cut the palm of my hand. It didn’t really scar since it was a shallow cut. It hurt like a bitch though. It was the first time I ever swore. It was also the first time my mom spanked me so hard I couldn’t sit down for at least an hour after.”

It’s unavoidable at that point, Lena can’t hold back her laughter. Her chest shakes and her free hand comes up to cover her mouth in a solid attempt to stifle her laughter. It doesn’t work well, and Kara ends up side-eyeing her for laughing. It only lasts for five seconds before she admits that it’s funny and starts smiling along to the melody of Lena’s giggles.

“Sorry.” Lena reduces her laughter down to nothing more than a smile. “It’s just funny to think of a baby you swearing and your mom setting you over her knee.”

Kara rolls her eyes at her. “Well, I never went over her knee. She just lifted me off the ground by my elbow with one hand and then took aim. One spank and it was over, but it was a good one.”

Lena just barely managed to hold in her laugh this time. “And what happened after that?”

“She hugged me and told me not to worry about the vase. My aunt and mom cleaned me up, got a bandage on my head and hand, then we carried on about the day like nothing happened. The next day though, my aunt came to pick me up and took me to this sculpting class held by the Art Guild. She helped me create a sculpture of a H’Raka. It’s sort of like a dragon with four wings, an animal native to Krypton. My uncle Jor-El actually had one that I rode once. It was incredible and I remember wishing that one day, I’d be able to fly every day. I guess my wish came true in a way. Now, I wish it hadn’t.”

“I’m sorry.” Lena snuggles closer, her fingers still gently twisting Kara’s hair in loops.

“Don’t be. It’s not something anyone can control.” She clears her throat before getting back to the story. “So, we made the H’Raka sculpture and I gave it to my father. I remember being really frustrated because I couldn’t get the wings right, but he told me it was perfect, and I felt so proud. My mom told me it was the perfect thing to replace the vase and it was much better because it was made with love for my father. She never moved it. She used to rearrange that room every few months when she got bored but the sculpture? She never moved it.”

“They really loved you.” Lena brushes Kara’s hair back out of her face, revealing red blotchy skin from crying.

“I loved them.”

“So, you were a creative little perfectionist and obviously a daddy’s girl.” Lena deduces. “That’s something to build from.”

Kara smiles sadly. “I guess so.”

Lena nuzzles closer. “You’ve always been creative and I know that you still paint so that’s all you. That’s not something that you’ve done to fit in, that’s Kara Zor-El.”

Kara nods, her smile brightening. “I suppose it is.”

“There’s more of you still lingering than you think, Kara. You think you suppressed yourself when you came here and while that’s true to some extent, nobody can bury their true self indefinitely. The real you will always shine through. It’s time for you to find those pieces and reconnect with them, fully and truly.”

Kara bites the inside of her cheek. Self-doubt is already gnawing at her again. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“Live as your true self? Why not? Because you’re unsure you can find her again or because you can’t imagine allowing yourself to live authentically?” 

“I think it’s because it would be difficult to dredge up the parts of myself that I buried long ago. Plus the added pressure of fighting with everyone in my life telling me I’m being selfish and putting others in danger simply by being Kryptonian. By being who I really am, an actual alien and not a superpowered human.

Lena’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion, causing lines to form across her forehead. “Who would say that? Our friends only want the best for you and Alex is the most protective older sister on the planet. She’d never let anyone talk badly about you.”

“Alex is protective. That’s the point. She’s so overprotective that whenever I’ve tried to introduce a part of my culture into my life, she’s told me I’m being reckless. She’s constantly telling me that I need to ensure I’m not displaying any signs of my alien heritage because it might get someone hurt. I understand where she’s coming from, I do, but I need to have a connection to Krypton. I need to feel that tether back to my true self. I’m afraid if I don’t, if I continue to listen to others, I’ll lose myself forever. And that scares me the most.”

Lena knows Alex has always been a big advocate for Kara keeping her identity a secret, but she never realized that her protective nature is a large part of why Kara feels disconnected, lost. Thinking about it now though, she can see why it has affected her so deeply. Kara looks up to her big sister. She’s always relied on her for advice, so in Kara’s life, Alex’s word might as well be law.

“What are some of the ways you’ve tried to introduce your culture into your life? I think focusing on your culture and adding it back into your life is a great way to reconnect with yourself, to remember who you are.”

“You saw some of it.”

“The meditation?” Lena asks, her mind suddenly replaying all of the moments in the past few weeks. She thinks back to all of the times when Kara behaved strangely before darting off or suddenly changing the subject.

Kara nods. “Yeah. There’s that, and I am trying to do it regularly. I recite ancient Kryptonian meditation rituals meant to help strengthen the mind. I’ve also been making frequent trips to the Fortress of Solitude. I use a red sun emitter to recreate my physiology on Krypton so I can relax without my powers getting in the way.”

“If you’re only practicing the meditation and rituals at the Fortress, you’re not truly bridging your life and your culture. Do you think, even subconsciously, you’re restricting the meditation to that place in an attempt to hide what you’re doing?”

“Yeah. I think there’s a part of me that’s ashamed and that’s why I hide it. Maybe?” Kara’s voice is small as she admits it. She nervously bites her lip before finding Lena’s eyes. “It obviously didn’t work with you, huh? You found me anyway.”

Lena shifts so the hand hanging over the back of the couch rests directly over Kara’s shoulders. She pulls her in closer. “You know I’ll always find you. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’re hiding from or what you’re struggling with. You can’t keep me away for long.”

“Clearly.” Kara teases half-heartedly. “You threatened to take my door off like I’m a stroppy teenager grounded by an overly strict parent.”

Lena snickers, pressing her lips to Kara’s cheek without thinking too much of it. “Sorry, it was the only thing I could think of to get you to open it and I was getting worried. I am worried.”

“I didn’t mean to worry you.” Kara looks genuinely remorseful and presses herself ever closer to Lena, taking the comfort she craves as Lena willingly hands it over. “I didn’t want you seeing me like this. I was hoping to get my head straight before showing my face again.”

Lena sighs softly. “I think it’s high time you stop trying to handle everything on your own and let me share some of the weight you carry on your shoulders. I want to help, Kara. Please let me.”

“But—”

“No buts, I’m here and so are our friends. I’ll talk to Alex and get her to back off. She probably doesn’t realize the pain she’s caused you.” She pauses. “Besides, you deserve to explore your culture, to rediscover it again. And, if it’s ok with you, I want to explore it with you.”

“Really? You would really want to do that?”

“I would absolutely love to.” Lena confirms.

Kara ducks her head, her lips just barely curl into a smile and her cheeks flush red. “Thank you.”

“Always.”

Kara’s tongue darts out to wet her dry lips. “So, do you want to hear more about Krypton?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

Lena nudges her with an affectionate smile on her face. The arm wrapped around Kara’s shoulders stops her from moving away. “I want to hear more about you, silly.”

“What do you want to know?”

The answer comes easily to Lena. “Anything you’re willing to share. Everything you’re willing to share. I want to know everything, and I want to help you piece together every part of yourself until you feel whole again.”

All at once, Kara realizes that the chaotic energy that is running amuck through her body has dissipated. Her overwhelming need to keep moving is gone, and the stiffness in her neck from the stress has loosened somewhat. All of this is from one conversation with Lena. It’s just the start, that much is evident, but a start she so desperately needs.

“Do you think I’ll ever just wake up and feel like I’m living my truth instead of a lie?” Kara asks, a crinkle forming between her eyebrows as she awaits Lena’s answer.

“I don’t think that’s something anyone can promise, but I can promise that whatever you feel or whoever you are, I am with you. You’re a mixture of three people right now, and you might not know how to navigate your way through it, but I know who you are, Kara. I think I’ve always loved the person you are, even when you didn’t. I see you clear as day, and I love who I see.”

“You do?” Kara’s heart pounds and her breath catches in her throat. She thinks those words might be the most unexpected thing Lena has said all day.

It’s not something Lena set out to admit today, or ever for that matter, but taking it back would only cause Kara more pain. If putting her own heart on the line spares Kara some pain, she’s willing to do it. “I do.”

Kara looks nervous. It’s something Lena picks up on with no difficulty. The fingers still entwined with her sweater push through the material. Kara still maintains her grip beneath the gentle, blanketing weight of Lena’s hand. A thin layer of sweat forms between them but neither wants to move nor pay it any mind.

“You don’t have to say it back or feel any obligation to return my feelings. I need you to know you are still as loved and accepted as you were before you came to Earth. You have at least one person that looks at you like you’re the brightest star in the sky, someone that sees you for exactly who you are, Kara. Even when you don’t see it yourself.”

“Why?” The word comes out in a broken crack. The disbelief in Kara’s voice is a vice crushing Lena’s ribs, making it hard for her to breathe.

Lena adjusts, her arm unwraps from Kara’s shoulders, the hand covering Kara’s moves so she can shift, and she looks directly into Kara’s eyes. Her hands cup Kara’s face with a delicacy that Kara hasn’t experienced since she felt those first beating rays of the warm yellow sun that makes her practically invincible. Now, it makes her feel like that tender touch is all that is keeping her from shattering into a million pieces.

“How could I not?” Lena whispers. “You’re my everything.”

“I’m not. I don’t even know—”

Lena’s thumb cuts her off as it rests across her lips. “No. You don’t have everything worked out, and you’re only beginning your journey of figuring yourself out, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see your beauty. It doesn’t mean I can’t look at you and see you for exactly who you are. My Kara. My alien from Krypton. A woman who is a little bruised but not as broken as she thinks. My best friend, someone that I will never leave to face the journey alone, I promise.”

Kara’s lips wobble beneath Lena’s thumb, the warm skin has moved from pressing to stroking over her bottom lip in precise strokes, only exacerbating the desire to do one thing.

She leans in and presses her lips to Lena’s. It’s needy and desperate. Lena is her life raft in the middle of a raging ocean. The waves tower twenty feet overhead and crash down on her but Lena braves the storm and keeps her afloat.

Lena pushes her back slightly as they break away from the lingering kiss to breathe. “I need you to be sure, Kara. I love you and I will be by your side no matter what, but don’t do this if you don’t mean it.”

“I mean it.”

Kara presses back in and this time, there’s no resistance. Her hands, still cupping Kara’s face, start to stray. One entangles in messy blonde hair and the other stokes at a damp cheek, wiping away tears as they come and making a promise to do so forevermore if that’s what it takes.

Kara separates their lips just enough to murmur words that make Lena feel like the luckiest woman walking the Earth. “I love you too. I may not know much right now, but I know that and I’ve known it for a while.”

There’s a brief attempt for another kiss but it’s impossible around the smiles they’re now sporting. Smiles more genuine than any that have ever graced their faces before. Lena leans back to take in the moment, to fully commit Kara to her memory. The tears do nothing to dampen the happiness of the moment. Tears Lena is well aware will make their way down her face.

Kara sucks in a deep breath, attempting to calm the hummingbird flutter of her heart. “So, where do we go from here?”

“We do exactly what we already said we would.” Lena answers in a low murmur. “We will explore the things you need to do so you can live your life as your most authentic self, and we keep doing it until you look in the mirror and see what I see. We keep going until you can’t take your eyes off yourself because you truly love what you see. Every time you look, I want you to find something about yourself that you thought was lost forever. I want you to stare and search for that certain something that will catch your eye and make you realize something even more profoundly and perfectly, Kara.”

“And what about you?”

“I’ll be here every step of the way.” Lena leans up to press a chaste kiss to Kara’s forehead, avoiding the dampened cheeks, tears glistening against tan skin. “I’ll be here on the days when the first thing you think about is being careful not to put your feet through the floor, and I’ll be here on the days when you rediscover something new to love about yourself. It’s going to be a slow process. You won’t find yourself overnight and you won’t find the peace you seek without a long slog through your trauma, but I’ll still be here. Every step, every fall, every triumph, Kara. I’ll be here.”

Kara’s sobs break the intensity in the air from Lena’s speech. She topples forward and buries herself into Lena’s chest, her head falls beneath Lena’s chin and her hands scramble for fresh purchase in the back of her sweater, balancing the holes she already created in the front. “You’ll really wait for me to do all of that?”

“I’m not waiting for anything, darling. Whether you’re struggling or thriving, happy or sad, angry or loving, I’m here and I’m ecstatic you’re letting me be. You give me so much more than you realize, not just as Kara Danvers or Supergirl. Hell, not even as Kara Zor-El. You give me so much as the woman who shows up at my office to bring me food because you know I’ll work through lunch otherwise. You’re the woman that happily sat through hours of board game practice with me because I was nervous to meet your friends. You let me put all my anxiety into the actual games of game night because you knew that wasn’t what I was actually scared about. You’re the woman that shows up at my place with a bottle of wine and open arms when you know I’ve had a bad day. And you do it all just because you care.”

“That’s how I know I’m not waiting. I get to be with the kindest, most loving, nurturing woman, no matter what else is going on. Some parts of you show through no matter what mask you wear, and those are the parts I love the most. The parts that made me fall in love with you in the first place.”

Kara weeps into Lena’s chest and allows Lena to hold her so tightly that it feels like her handprints will be tattooed over her spine tomorrow. Lena does her best to hold back her own tears, but today’s emotional drain takes its toll. The pain she feels for Kara heavily outweighs the joy of knowing that Kara loves her back in ways she’s never spoken aloud.

Above all, the hope outweighs the pain.

Lena always sees Kara, but now she can see her more clearly. She’s been granted a peek into Kara’s soul. Her alien, Kryptonian soul.

A lesson has been learned today, an important one. Supergirl is not an alien. Supergirl is merely a vessel for humans to selfishly take the help Kara offers without acknowledging who she is, or rather, what she is.

Kara is a Kryptonian and Lena will help her rediscover what that means. Every part of it if that’s what Kara’s heart desires. She’s barely gotten Kara to scratch the surface of her life on Krypton, and tomorrow they will make another scratch. Every scratch will bring them closer to the answers they seek. It’s a shame that the deeper they scratch, the more Kara will bleed. Her pain is inevitable in the search for who she is, but Lena is here to hold her through it, to kiss it better when all is said and done. That’s her promise and she has no intention of ever breaking it. 

-

“It kind of feels full circle, doesn’t it?” Lena asks, smiling at the sparkling beauty around them.

“What do you mean?” Kara questions, the back of her hand brushing against Lena’s as they walk through the cold air swirling through The Fortress of Solitude.

Lena vaguely gestures around her. “Being here. This is the first glimpse I got into the actual alien you are, where I got to see a tiny snippet of your culture, and now here we are again. I see you so clearly. You’re sharing a part of yourself with me in the same place I first realized there is more of you to see.”

The words carve themselves deep into Kara’s soul. It’s everything she spent years longing to hear whilst simultaneously being everything she was once afraid of. Now though, it’s not something she’s fearful of but something she cherishes and embraces.  

“I’m glad you see me.” Kara’s smile is wide and bright, something that she hasn’t felt in a long time. 

“I’m glad you let me see you, and I’m honoured you feel safe enough to be so open with me.” Lena fully entwines her hands with Kara’s, annoyed by having her hand so close and yet so far. 

Kara’s fingers press lightly into the back of Lena’s hand in response, the gentle squeeze saying everything she can’t find the words to say aloud.

“Well, if you’re ready to see a little bit more of me, come right this way.” Kara smiles, pulling Lena with her as she veers off to the entrance of one of the many hallways of the fortress.

Lena’s eyes darken and her lips quirk up into a smirk. She has no issues following Kara’s lead through the unfamiliar space. After all, there’s probably a bedroom through here, right? Her eyes trace the soft curve of Kara’s backside, exposed thanks to Lena’s spare hand purposely holding the cape out of the way so it doesn’t obscure her view.

Kara feels the tugging on her cape as she rounds the corner and looks back, ready to unhook it from wherever it’s gotten stuck. She sighs dramatically when she sees it’s just Lena, but a twinkle in her eyes lets Lena know she secretly loves the attention.

Lena giggles to herself all the way down the hall. Her smile drops when she sees where Kara has taken her because there is no bed in sight, and that’s a real problem. “Wait, we’re not finding somewhere to…” Lena trails off and wiggles her eyebrows at Kara, who can only suppress a smile in return. The silly motion makes her want to bundle Lena up in her arms and head somewhere to fulfil her request.

“Maybe we can revisit that idea later if you’re good.” Kara teases, closing the door to give Lena a chance to properly take in her surroundings and let the disappointment from the lack of a bed settle.

“I’ll have you know that I’m always good.” Lena mumbles, her eyes tracing over several large closets. She touches the edge of one and it activates. A panel slides across and out of the way to reveal what’s inside. “I knew it would do that.” She claims, earning herself a laugh.

“Wow, two lies back-to-back. How did I get so lucky to end up with you?”

Lena’s head turns to her so fast that Kara wonders if she’s somehow absorbed some of her powers as she stumbles back from the force of the glare. “Hey! That’s mean.”

“Woah.” Kara’s eyes widen as she takes in the sharp look Lena’s sending her way. “Ok, so that’s how I will end up on the couch. Got it.”

Lena can’t hold the look for long, Kara’s shocked expression breaking her out of her charade. Her face softens, and a triumphant grin replaces the harsh lines of the patented glare. She raises a finger to Kara’s face. “Be nice to me.”

“Wait, weren’t you the one lying?”

“That holds no bearing on this conversation.” Lena dismisses with a wave of her hand, refocusing on the closet.

Kara is left standing behind her with a lasting case of whiplash, wondering what just happened. She’s sure that argument was hers to win, but somehow Lena came out on top. Something tells her that’s going to be a staple in their relationship. Something else tells her that she doesn’t mind at all and she’s grateful she’s the one in a relationship with her.

Moving closer to Lena, Kara wraps her arms around her waist from behind and rests her chin on her shoulder. “These are all Kryptonian clothes. I had Kelex recreate them a few weeks ago when I first started meditating again. I figured they might make me feel closer to home but I struggled with the thought of wearing them. I think that there’s a better chance of me finding the courage to do so if you wear them with me.”

Lena turns in Kara’s arms, meeting her eyes. “You want me to wear Kryptonian clothes with you?”

There’s a vulnerability lurking just behind Kara’s eyes. She’s trying to hide it, Lena can see as much in the tension of her jaw, but she can’t hide it from her.

“Please.”

“As if you even have to ask.”

“I don’t just mean here, Lena.” Kara clarifies. Lena’s face scrunches in confusion so Kara explains further. “I booked a slot at the local museum; they’re allowing me to give a talk…about Krypton.”

Lena looks up at Kara, her lips curl into a proud smile and her eyes glisten with adoration. “Are you sure you’re ready? That’s a really big step. A public one at that.”

Kara shrugs. “I don’t know, but how will I know if I don’t try? I booked the time slot for their quiet period thinking that not many people will show up. I booked it under ‘Supergirl’ though, so I can’t say for sure. I don’t want my culture to die with me, Lena. If I don’t talk about it and educate people, even if those people are human, not Kryptonian, then all my knowledge will be lost, it’ll be worthless. I want to share my planet's celebrations, festivals and history. I want to show off the incredible scientific feats and technological advancements. I want everyone to see Krypton's art and beauty, and I have the power to do that. I have to do that.”

“Then I’ll be beside you while you do.” Lena presses a reassuring kiss to her lips. “When is your talk?”

Kara manoeuvres Lena’s wrist and peels back the sleeve of her shirt to look at the time. “In about…two hours.”

“Two hours? Kara, that’s barely any time. We need to hurry up and get ready.” Lena scrambles out of Kara’s embrace and starts rummaging through the closet to assess her options, only to be immediately confronted with the fact that she has no idea what kind of Kryptonian garb is appropriate for such an event. She turns back to Kara to whine, “Help me.”

“Ok, ok. I’m coming.” Kara saunters up to her side, but not before she melts a little at how cute Lena’s being.

-

Lena is proud. Extremely proud. The proudest. 

Looking up at the tiny stage Kara stands with a proud smile that could outshine the sun, she’s never been prouder.

It’s only a small step above the rest of the floor, but between Kara’s squared shoulders and everyone being seated as they watch her talk, Kara looks fifty feet tall. Lena can’t take her eyes off her, not for even a second. She’s completely mesmerized and has no intention of moving from her spot, front and centre.

Lena runs her fingertips over the felt-like texture of her dress. She originally wanted to go for the most alien design in the closet, partially to prove to Kara that she is accepting of every aspect of her culture. However, Kara swayed her from that idea, probably seeing through her intentions and wanting her to be comfortable.

Kara pushed her towards a dress, one that isn’t really Lena’s style but she admits it makes her look phenomenal. It’s also an incredibly beautiful, artistically designed article of clothing, one of the most stunning she’s ever seen. Kara made a good choice, even if it’s not something Lena would choose for herself.

It’s an asymmetrical design where the material sweeps up over her left shoulder and tumbles into a cape down that side. It has soft pleats with three of the tiniest, most delicate chains intermingling with the fabric. The tiny links attach to the belt, which is beautiful in and of itself. Gold chains bracket the edges. The centre is obsidian, carved into refined hoops lined with microscopic leaves, looking almost like wreaths. The belt is made up of the finest details and sits steadfast against her waist, a marvel that perfectly contradicts the dress's colour and pattern.

The dress is pale gold, dulled but still striking. The pattern is what really catches Lena’s eye. It’s a symphony of shapes and lines. She can’t decipher exactly what it’s meant to be, a mixture of vague floral swirls and shapes that depict a language she’ll never understand, not Kryptonese but something more profound—a language that enfolds everything about Krypton and nothing all at once.

It hugs her body tightly down to just below her knees, a hug from the softest material she’s ever had the pleasure of wearing and based on Kara’s roving eyes since she put it on, she looks sexy as hell in it.

Despite the beauty of Lena’s outfit, Kara firmly believes that the most beautiful part of Lena is the smile she’s worn since the moment she took her place on the stage to share her culture.

There’s a much bigger crowd than she expected but none of that matters. She can look into Lena’s eyes and tell her all about the parts of Krypton she’s always wanted to share, the parts that aren’t overshadowed by death and destruction. The happier times.

She teaches the group everything she remembers about the festivals from her childhood and the education system she learned from. Afterwards, she takes questions. The first is from a little girl, barely nine, curious about her clothes. A question she’s more than happy to answer.

“Usually, for an event like this, Kryptonians wear robes, but I thought that since my best robes are red and blue, I’d give your eyes a rest and go for something a little different.” Kara smiles at the wide-eyed enamoured expression on the little girl’s face. It’s clear she’s drinking up every word. “It’s also common for Kryptonian speakers to wear a single colour so they don’t draw attention away from the topic they’re discussing. I decided to follow that tradition today.”

Kara gestures down to her dress, a bronzed orange number, relatively simple but no less spellbinding. It’s loose, but not baggy. Just snug enough to show off her curves without hiding them. It flows with each subtle contour of her body, and the fabric trickles down in a waterfall of woven splendour.  The fabric is knotted over her shoulders, giving the impression that it’s one single sheet carefully curated to embrace her.

“As you can see, my dress is aligned with my culture but also shares many similarities with clothes found here on Earth. Given that humans and Kryptonians are similar in shape and stature, the similarities are expected.” She smoothes her hands over her midsection until her fingers reach the metal adorning her waist. “This would be considered a belt on Earth, but for me it’s a declaration. It’s a family heirloom bestowed upon my family many generations ago. A waist chain given to my grandmother’s grandmother after she won a great battle against the Daxamites a very long time ago. It has been passed down through my family and is commonly worn in moments of personal triumph. Today is a triumph for me because I get to share this information with you.”

Everyone’s eyes fall to the metal around Kara’s waist. It clutches to the fabric, bunching and trapping it in place without inhibiting the stylistic flow of the dress. It’s a shimmering, shining gold, recently polished and well-kept. The thin chain is made of fine links that aren’t visible to those sitting away from the stage. Gently hanging from the chain are intriguing symbols. Lena tries to decipher them but the characters aren’t of the Kryptonese she knows. Like Earth, Krypton had many languages. Her knowledge of one doesn’t give her an understanding of them all. She makes a mental note to ask Kara to translate it later, her intrigue growing as the symbols sway with Kara’s movements.

“I have a scarf here too.” Kara holds her arm up to display the garment bound around her bicep and the way it twists down her forearm. The fabric almost resembles a shawl. “It’s a shade darker than my dress if you look closely. That’s purposeful too. We Kryptonians don’t often do things without reason. Back in the old days of Krypton, long before I was born, scarves were worn as a symbol of peace. As long as you wear a scarf, it means you seek peace. It’s a shade darker than my dress so it’s easy to see without standing out too much. If someone doesn’t wear one, it means they are openly opposing someone, usually another Kryptonian household. If it escalates to that point, they will be escorted to the council to work out their differences.”

Kara purposely leaves out the extra information about sword fights and only one person leaving the council meeting. There are a lot of kids in the audience.

“Finally, my shoes.” Kara lifts one foot and rejoices in the strange looks she gets; her feet are not adorned by any shoes Kara’s ever come across on Earth. She’s unsure whether it counts as a shoe since half of her feet are hanging out. “They are designed to be worn outside, despite what you might think.”

Kara continues holding her foot up so everyone can see the shoe. It’s made of a thick fabric, not leather because it’s too soft to be anything of that kind, but still sturdy. They’re a dull orange-red to match her outfit and only cover the top of her feet except for a thin strap that circles around to keep them on.

Thin lace-like straps are wound from the sides of the shoes up around her ankles and tied in the same bow used for tying shoelaces on Earth. “Now, I can understand why you all look so confused. You’re probably wondering why Kryptonians would wear shoes that don’t protect the bottom of the foot, right?”

She receives a collective nod from her audience, causing her smile to widen. She’s loving the experience of teaching everyone about Krypton’s culture and heritage. It’s bringing her much more peace than she ever dreamed.

“That’s because they were used for walking on sand. A large portion of crops on Krypton were grown in sand, so these were worn to prevent the sand from getting inside our shoes and the tops of our feet from getting sunburnt. Because so many crops were grown in sand, it was everywhere and well, much like here on Earth, trends catch on. We wore them for stylistic reasons too.”

A couple of people laugh at her quip, making her chuckle along with them. “Any more questions?” Several hands shoot up into the air and Kara’s heart thuds excitedly. She’s having a field day with this.

Lena watches Kara with pure amazement. The way she’s so beautifully opening up and finding joy in the knowledge that only she, as an alien from Krypton, holds is incredible. Every time Kara’s smile widens, Lena finds her own smile broadening and she has to fight to keep her hand steady while livestreaming the exhibit to L-Corp’s social media.

She got Kara’s permission beforehand, albeit a little reluctantly, but she’s glad Kara agreed to it because there are over two thousand people watching. That’s two thousand more people learning about the wonders Kara is sharing.

Careful to keep her phone in focus, Lena gives Kara a thumbs up as she answers another question, this one about Kryptonian crops following her explanation about her shoes. She’s glad Kara decided to take the leap. This is good for her and now a growing number of people will look at her as not just an alien but an actual person. Her true self.

-

Lena wobbles as she peels her heels off her feet but she’s not afraid of falling. Kara’s arm is wrapped around her waist tightly, keeping her steady even as she tosses her shoes away.

Their lips don’t separate, not even for a second, as they move through Lena’s penthouse apartment towards the bedroom. Each of their movements is a push and pull of equal force, all give and take that only serves to prove why they work so well together.

Lena gasps against the blonde’s mouth as Kara’s teeth sink softly into her bottom lip. A precise movement with far too much certainty to be accidental. A mischievous little trick that never fails to weaken Lena’s knees, something that’s always in Kara’s favour.

“You play dirty.” Lena mutters, her lips barely parting from Kara’s.

“Mmhmm.” Kara hums, unwilling to break the kiss, especially to state the obvious.

Lena reluctantly moves her hands away from Kara’s biceps. Her desperate need to get out of this damn dress and into bed is far stronger than the desire for a simple groping session. Awkwardly throwing her arm over her shoulder in an attempt to find the clasp, she continues to struggle through her refusal to relinquish her hold on Kara’s lips.

“Hold on.” Kara mumbles as they stumble into the bedroom. Her strong arms untangle from Lena’s waist as her hands entrap full hips instead. “Can I take it off?”

“My dress?” Lena pants.

Kara nods, breathless and wanting. “Please.”

“Whatever you want.” Lena rasps breathily, allowing strong hands to turn her body away, exposing her back. Broad, warm palms carefully scoop Lena’s hair up and place it over her right shoulder exposing the bunching of fabric over her left. As her fingers bury themselves into the fabric searching for the clasp, her seeking lips descend on the pale expanse of Lena’s neck.

She places a series of chaste pecks just shy of the nape of her neck, slowly tracing her skin as far as she can reach before tilting Lena’s head back to pull her into yet another smouldering kiss. The dress is unfortunately no closer to being discarded than when she started.

Lena leans back into Kara’s chest, enjoying the closeness and comfort. She’s grateful she took off her heels. With Kara wearing the Kryptonian half-shoes, the height difference would have made kissing like this awkward.

“Aren’t you meant to be undressing me?” Lena smiles against insistent lips.

“Oh yeah.” Kara breathes, still in disbelief that she gets to do this. “Stop being so distracting. You’re making me forget things.”

Lena smirks as Kara buries her face into her neck. The feeling of Kara panting against her skin in an attempt to calm herself simply from kissing makes Lena feel like a god among men. She relishes the feeling and if this is how Kara feels on a good day, she’s jealous. More than anything though, she wishes Kara only ever good days. She’s seen how the bad ones can make her crumble, if she can help prevent them, she’ll do this every day.

After a few centring breaths, Kara is back on task. She unhooks the dress and belt, sliding it off with a level of grace and tenderness that makes Lena swoon. Kara gently collects the fabric and places it on the small couch next to the window. As she places it there, she turns her back to Lena to return the favour. 

Lena earnestly tries to make things sexy, unclipping the waist chain to gently sit it atop the dress. However, it only serves to make them both laugh. Kara’s sweet giggles only make the moment more real, more tangible.  

This is their first time sleeping together and with a bit of luck and all of the effort Lena has to give, this will be her last first time with anyone. She has no doubts that Kara is going to be her last person. It’s something she knows with every fibre of her being. She can feel it in her bones.

As she slowly, carefully unclasps the dress one hook at a time, Lena presses soft kisses to the centre of Kara’s back. And as an aside, she knows she will absolutely get Kara to admit that humans one-upped Kryptonians because they invented zippers.

After a childhood of such attire, Kara steps out of the dress with ease as it loosens. Her muscle memory is a stark reminder that she will never truly forget her life before Earth. It will always be part of her. 

Lena sweetly pulls Kara’s hand and twirls her around so they’re facing each other They share a tender smile as their nearly naked fronts softly press against each other for the first time. “You’re so beautiful.” She whispers, enamoured.

“You’ve barely seen me.” Kara laughs shyly as a pink blush spreads across her cheeks.

“I don’t need to look to know.” Lena’s eyes are half-lidded as she pushes Kara backwards until her knees hit the side of the bed. Green eyes never straying from blue, Lena slowly guides her down as she kneels in front of her. Kara’s legs instinctively part, desire engulfing her body.  Witnessing the shift in Kara’s body makes it hard for her to stay on track, but she’s damn sure not letting her first time with Kara consist of cumming with soleless shoes on. She loves Kara’s culture. Truly. However, she is drawing the line at that.

Lena’s movements are both frantic and particular as she unlaces Kara’s shoes and slides them off her feet. She tosses them over to the couch with less attentiveness than the dresses. She’s impatient and there’s no time for that.

Taking full advantage of her position, she lovingly kisses her way up Kara’s muscular legs to her soft inner thighs. Each press of warm lips against even warmer skin makes Kara’s skin tingle with ever-growing desire. As soon as raven locks are within reach, Kara’s hands bury themselves, not to guide her, simply to hold. She readily relinquishes complete control to the goddess between her thighs. Willingly allowing her to explore every inch of flushed tan skin, taking her time with each caress as their combined contented sighs fill the air, the perfect background music.

Between each burning kiss, green eyes gaze up, watching as Kara’s head tilts back exposing the majestic, long neck she wants to mark as her own. She shakes those thoughts aside, her main focus on truly giving Kara the tender and loving touches she’s dreamed of for so long. Her hero deserves to be savoured rather than treated as a rushed and fumbled tryst. 

Pouty pink lips don’t linger as they finally reach the edge of delicate blue lace panties. A single, deep kiss is pressed to the damp material as Lena takes a deep breath to breathe her in and continues her exploration. She has an internal battle to continue now that she tastes the blonde’s desire on her lips. 

The blunt edges of white teeth playfully nip at a pronounced hipbone as Kara’s back arches. Sensitive, she thinks.Lena repeats the move, this time on the opposite side, and slides a trembling hand under her arched back to unclasp Kara’s bra, tossing it carelessly to the floor. 

Having Kara laid out for her, nearly naked, gasping and moaning, Lena’s sure she’s entered her greatest fantasy or an afterlife she doesn’t believe in. There’s no other explanation, no other fathomable way she’s this lucky. 

The wide palms buried in dark hair urge her to move up and away from where she’s thoroughly bathing those glorious abs with her curious tongue. Lena’s more than eager to deliver everything Kara craves. After the bravery she’s shown today, Kara can have anything she yearns for, whatever she desires.

“Move up for me, darling.” Lena urges softly, her voice raspy and throat dry from her slack-jawed awe at the sight of the ethereal goddess in her bed. Her ethereal goddess. 

Lena’s insistent hands smoothly shift underneath athletic thighs, guiding her further up the bed and shifting her weight to make it easier. Kara smiles when her head hits the pillow, instantly pulling Lena down on top of her. Her legs bracket the ravenette’s hips as her restless hands trace their way along the ridges of Lena’s spine. When shaking fingers reach the delicate material of the tasteful strapless bra, she unclips it and carelessly tosses it aside, discarded and forgotten. 

Lena makes good on her earlier desires, attaching her wanting mouth to Kara’s neck as she attempts to leave marks she knows will instantly fade. “Mmm, what I wouldn’t give to mark you up so everyone can see you’re mine while you fly around in that cape of yours. My mighty Kryptonian with hickeys for days.”

“Rao, Lena.” Kara husks out a moan, desperately attempting to turn her head and recapture those alluring lips for the thousandth time.

Lena roughly twists her fingers into silky blonde locks, snatching her head back to continue her fruitless endeavour. “Stay still.” She sternly commands.

“Wait.” Kara moans out in response, enjoying the particularly hard bite on her neck. She can’t really feel pain but the sensation of teeth pressing deliciously into her skin? That is a feeling that makes her infinitely wetter and ensures her panties will be sufficiently ruined by the time they come off, if they aren’t already.

The single word stops Lena’s movements instantly. She quickly sits up and starts moving away, but Kara’s legs tighten around her waist and prevent her retreat. “What’s wrong, my Darling?”

“Nothing, nothing. I just…there’s…I have something. Something, I, um, want?” She says, slightly bashful.

“What do you mean?” Lena asks, confused and a little out of it now that she is pulled away from her heavenly task. “Like a sex thing? A fantasy?”

“Kind of.” Kara tilts her head down, a delicate pink spreading across her cheeks as she releases Lena and climbs off the bed. She scrambles back to her dress, searching for something. “But also kind of…not.”

Lena falls onto her back onto the still-warm spot Kara’s body recently vacated, a curious and perplexed smile on her face. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

Kara shakes her head, ignoring her as her fingers dig into the discarded dress in search of a hidden pocket between the folds of the flowy material. Her face lights up as she pulls something barely bigger than her palm from its hiding place and holds it up in celebration.

“What is that?” Inquisitive green eyes implore.

“It’s a red sun emitter. I took it from the fortress when I saw how upset you were after I took you to a closet instead of a bedroom.”

Lena shrugs, her eyes shining with mirth. “You should know better than to take a lesbian to a closet.”

“That was bad.” Kara shakes her head, her amusement evident.

“Sorry.” Lena responds, still grinning at her joke. “Well, are you going to turn that thing on so I can make you mine, Kara Zor-El?”

Kara’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise at the eagerness in Lena’s sultry voice. “You really want to?”

“What? Make you mine? Why wouldn’t I want to?” Lena frowns, sensing Kara’s internal battle with self-doubt in a moment when Lena only wants her to feel loved, cherished, truly coveted. 

Kara sits the device on the nightstand beside Lena's unopened water bottle. She grabs it, taking a quick drink since it’s there and they will undoubtedly be here for a while. “You felt my superspeed on your wrist before. I thought that might have intrigued you to see where else you could feel those vibrations.”

Lena holds her hand out for the bottle once Kara’s finished with it and takes a generous gulp before responding. “While that is a very intriguing thought, I just want you. I’m not here for Supergirl. I’m here for Kara.”

“Do you really mean that?” Kara ducks her head as she blushes at the bold statement. It’s really cute. If there’s any reason to blush, it’s because she’s sitting in front of the woman she loves in nothing but a pair of sodden panties.

“Always.” Lena replies, pushing the device closer to Kara. “Turn it on.”

Kara presses a few buttons and in an instant, the room is coated in a soft red light, bringing Kara a sense of physical and mental peace. Lena watches how the weight gradually drops off her shoulders as the red sun radiation affects her.

“You’re so pretty.” Lena says, enamoured with everything that Kara is.

She pulls her closer, slowly nudging her ruined panties down long legs, leaving Kara bare before her. In turn, Kara grabs the waistband of her underwear, pulling them down swiftly and tossing them away, long forgotten before they even hit the floor.

“Let me prove how much I love you.” Lena pulls her fully onto the bed until Kara is kneeling over her. In a skilled move, she topples them over, positioning herself on top of the blonde. Once again, Kara finds herself flat on her back, her head nestled into the pillows. “Can I love you? Let me love you, Kara.” 

Lena leans in so close their noses brush, waiting for one single word giving her permission. “Yes.” Kara breathes, then lifts her head to get a taste of those delectable lips.

Taking the answer for all its worth, Lena devours her.

For the first time in her life, Kara is entirely free to experience not only pleasure but an unbridled love without fear. She can barely control herself, her need for more is overpowering, yet she’s not afraid to lose control, she doesn’t have to be. She gives it all up and knows in the end, everything will be as it should. She can finally let go.

Lena’s hands explore every part of her, taking extra time to palm at her breasts. Her fingers find pretty pink nipples and give them the extra attention they deserve. The kind of attention Kara’s never felt there before, given her usually high pain tolerance. There’s none of that now. It’s barely painful, more pleasurable than her time with any of the men she’s been with.

“Dear Rao, Lena…” Kara gasps into her mouth, making Lena grin so wide it’s impossible to go in for another kiss. “Lena, fuck.”

“Shh, just feel. I’ve got you, my Kara.” Lena traces her lips down her neck and back to what is becoming her favourite spot as her fingers make their way down the expanse of tan skin.

Her nails rake their way down defined abs before she turns to a softer touch, pausing just before she reaches the place she knows Kara wants her most.

“Look at me, Kara.” Lena demands, pulling away from her neck. Kara’s eyes remain closed, even as Lena’s fingers make their way between sodden folds, seeking out her clit like they’ve been there a thousand times before. Kara gasps but won’t meet her gaze. “Look at me. Please”

Upon the second round of urging and the feeling of Lena’s fingers circling her clit in and driving her insane, sparkling blue eyes finally open. Lena notes that her eyes look several shades darker, now an enchanting midnight blue, and it has taken the lead for the sexiest thing she’s ever seen. 

“Lena…fuck.” Kara gasps, her eyes locked on Lena’s now, unable to do anything other than clutch at her shoulders and let herself enjoy the ride.

Lena pushes her forehead against Kara’s, her hand diligently working away. “I love you, Kara.”

“I love you.” Kara moans out. “But for the love of Rao, get inside me before I do it myself.”

Lena’s eyes twinkle, happily doing as requested. Two fingers push inside as they maintain eye contact until Kara can’t take it anymore. Her head flies back and her eyes slam closed as Lena uses her other hand to rub her clit, still pumping her fingers at a relentless pace.

Lena reattaches her mouth to Kara’s neck, continuing her quest to leave marks she hopes will last long after the red sun emitter has been turned off. “I’ve got you, darling. My Kara.” Lena whispers against her ear.

Kara shudders beneath her, nails digging into pale shoulders as she clings to the only solid thing she can find. “Lena…”

“I love you.” She repeats once again, nailing it home with one last kiss to the latest mark before shifting down Kara’s body to do what she’s been longing to do for years. She takes Kara’s clit into her mouth. All the while, her fingers are still working away, driving her higher with every passing second. 

Kara bucks up into her mouth, her hips shifting of their own accord. Lena pins them down with an arm slung over her waist and keeps going, one goal in mind.

“You’re safe. I’ve got you,” Lena says directly into her pussy. The vibrations from her words are the final push Kara needs to let go. Her body relaxes as she comes, her bucking hips ceasing their fight against the arm holding them down as if she’s not the strongest being on the planet.

Lena guides her through it, her fingers slowing to a stop and easing out of her when aftershocks wane, when she’s truly done. She’s drenched and tired but so damn proud.

She pecks Kara’s clit one more time as she runs her hands over twitching legs, her fingers leaving a trail of wetness behind. Climbing back up to Kara’s face, she waits until her favourite blue eyes open and teasingly licks her fingers clean. 

Kara’s pretty sure Lena just fucked her into a dream state because the image she has just accosted with is so fucking sexy that there’s no way it’s real. 

“Hey, darling.” Lena cups her cheeks, kissing her delicately, her tongue parting Kara’s lips and pushing inside to giddily share the sweet taste of her desire.

“You just killed me.” Kara mumbles.

Lena giggles and shifts to cuddle into her side. She tucks her head beneath Kara’s chin, content to lie there for a moment until Kara recovers from what is undoubtedly the best orgasm of her life. “Well, that wasn’t the goal but I’ll take it.”

“What was the goal?” Kara pecks the top of her head, the feeling in her arms coming back enough that she can wrap Lena up into a well-needed cuddle.

Lena snuggles deeper into her chest. “To make love to you, Kara. I wanted to love my Kara, and I did.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“My Kara?” Lena husks, well aware of what she’s doing. 

Kara nuzzles her nose into the top of Lena’s head, breathing in the comforting scent of her coconut shampoo. “Yes.”

Lena pecks the nearest bit of skin available to her, Kara’s collarbone. She knows the answer but she’s not opposed to hearing Kara explain anyway. “Why is that?”

“Because you see me for who I am. I love how you make me feel when you look at me with so much certainty in your eyes. It’s almost like you can see into my soul and when tell me you love me and I can see how much you mean it.”

Lena grins, pushing herself back up to look into Kara’s eyes. “I love you.”

Kara’s never felt more at peace, as she replies. “I love you too.”

“That’s good.” Lena chuckles before a sly smirk finds its way onto her face. “Now, I think you’re meant to return the favour.”

“Are you sure about that?” Kara teases, her hands finding Lena’s ass and squeezing.

“Fucking positive.” Lena growls against her lips.