#we have our separate apps and I wanna keep that way

[elliedafish]

Didn’t realize the TikTok ban was actually gonna go through in less than 24 hours. Does this mean more people on Tumblr until it’s back or will Tumblr be okay?

[dirtysvthoughts]

ur gymrat boyfriends <3

tags/warnings: smut, pwp, female! reader, boyfriend! wonwoo, boyfriend! jihoon, poly! relationship, pet names (baby, honey, princess, my darlings), literally one mention of ass smacking, reader gets fully nude, wonwoo and jihoon are gymrats (kinda obvious lol), dirty talk, pussy eating - but guess who though 👀, sorta kinda wall & mirror sex? you’ll see, wonwoo kinda takes the lead in this one heheh 🤭

word count: 2.5k (i got carried away y’all, i’m so sorry this was supposed to be short 😭)

a/n: i was told several times i was a menace for coming up with this idea, so why not continue my spread of mischief 😗 i saw this pic and instantly got several thoughts running through my brain… thanks to @playmetheclassics @wonwussy and @gyuwoncheol for dealing with my nonsense 🥹

when jihoon suggested you join him and wonwoo at the gym, you were hesitant at first.

“won’t there be lots of people there? and i thought you two working out together was a you guys thing, i don’t wanna intrude on that.. we all need our own spaces,” your voice and eyes lower, but the hand your boyfriend places on your thigh immediately has your eyes staring into his.

“working out is never just a me and wonwoo thing, you’re always welcome to join us. you’ve just been too shy to tag along,” jihoon’s ruffles your hair as your eyes shift away again. “besides, we haven’t done anything with all three of us in a bit. it’ll be nice,” he pats your back as he gets up, heading towards your bathroom to take a shower.

a few days later, you take up jihoon’s offer, and decide to join him and your other boyfriend at the gym. donning a strappy black sports bra and black shorts, you enter the room your lovers are in - their bodies coming to attention once you come into the space.

“hi my darlings,” you sweetly muse as you put your things down. wonwoo immediately sets his weights to the side and approaches you, hands falling on your waist as he kisses the center of your forehead. “hey pretty girl,” he smirks as you lean further into his touch, caressing your cheek delicately with his fingertips. “i haven’t seen you in a minute, are you taking care of yourself?”

“yes, i promise,” you respond back, pressing a chaste kiss to his soft lips. wonwoo kisses you back moving his hands toward your chest - until jihoon clears his throat loudly, stopping the both of you in your tracks.

“i know you two haven’t seen each other in a while, but we do have to stay focused. wonwoo and i can’t spend all day here unfortunately, we have other schedules later on tonight.”

you sigh disappointingly, wanting more of wonwoo’s touch on you, but also realizing that jihoon was right. he did warn you in advance this morning that while the three of you would be reunited, it wouldn’t be as long as you would like it to. they could only stay at the gym for an hour until all three of you had to go your separate ways again. it had been about two weeks since all three of you were able to hang out together. who knows when the next time would be?

you then decided you just need the savor the present moments with your boyfriends.

30 more minutes pass in which all of you have worked on different body groups - your boyfriends helping each other with their chest workouts, and jihoon helping you on some of your weighted exercises, giving you tips and pointers on how to make it challenging, but not overwhelming. all three of you take a break from the exercise, getting some water as you lay down on your mat and your men sit on different benches.

“how do you guys do this everyday?” you question in astonishment. “it’s only been 30 minutes but i feel like i got in a workout for the rest of the week,” you grab your phone and scroll through some of your apps while your boyfriends laugh at your joke.

“you just gotta keep it consistent honey,” wonwoo comments. “the more you do it, the less harder it becomes.”

“and the faster you get the results you want,” jihoon adds in. “wonwoo and i didn’t get our physiques overnight. remember those late nights when one of us would have to facetime you at the gym?”

your pussy throbs at the memories jihoon unlocked for you. “how could i forget when you both unintentionally teased me with your muscles?” you murmur in your head, thinking about your last gym facetime with jihoon and how you wanted nothing more than for him to pin you down after seeing him in a tight, sleeveless black shirt, hair covering his eyes.?

“y-yeah,” you whisper biting down on your lip, quickly and tightly closing your legs to prevent the boys from catching on. “i don’t think i ever told you guys this, but i’m proud of you both for working so hard to take care of yourselves. and trust me, i definitely see the work you put in.”

wonwoo chuckles, running his hand through his hair. “i think you need to elaborate honey, what does that mean?”

you roll your eyes as you sit up, looking directly at wonwoo when your response comes out of your mouth. “i think you know what i mean, baby,” you tease as you roll up to your knees. “you and jihoon are too hot to handle,” you bite your lip as your mind continues to drown in your needy thoughts. “your arms are so built that i want to be pinned down or choked by them practically every day. when you both wear oversized shirts, you can still see the details of your chest muscles, and god, both of you have the waist of greek gods.. you’re my fucking adonises.”

“mmm, is that so honey?” wonwoo questions, but he already knows the answer. “if that’s the case, then come over here and sit on my lap, let me show you how this gym work can be put to very good use.”

you stand up, walking towards your boyfriend and when you’re close enough, gingerly putting one leg over his, making sure your pussy pressed against his crotch. once you feel situated, you begin to grind on wonwoo’s lap, hands pressing down on his shoulders, moaning at how you could feel his hardness at you just got started.

wonwoo quickly takes notice in how you were lost in pleasure, your eyes closed and your head falling back, revealing how pretty your neck and their lines looked. he takes advantage of this opportunity, and pulls you closer by the waist, holding you by your lower back. wonwoo then attaches his lips above your collarbone, pillow-like kisses heightening your sensations.

“mmmm,” you moan in ecstasy, sounds getting a bit louder as he kisses his way down to the valley of your chest. “mmm, wo’neil, more pl-please,” you reach for the nape of his neck and pull him forward to bring him to the exact spot he’s trying to reach. he smiles knowing both of you were on the same page, and starts mouthing at your breasts, leaving open kisses and licks anywhere he could.

jihoon was watching you both intently from his corner of the room, but when he heard you moan beautifully for the third time in a row and he saw wonwoo making love to your chest? he was done being a spectator. he had to join the action.

you and wonwoo are so caught up in each other that neither of you notice jihoon walking up to you both and stopping once he reaches your backside. his fingers grasp the hem of your bra and gently pull it up, causing you and wonwoo to momentarily freeze. your tilt your head back to look at your boyfriend, in a trance from how wonwoo riled you up.

“jihoon?” you question as he sits you up to pull your bra over your head, tossing it to the other side of the room.

“couldn’t let the two of you have all the fun,” he teases, now moving to touch your mounds. “such a beautiful body you have, baby,” smirking at how with every touch, your nipples got perkier.

you moan out jihoon’s name as wonwoo goes back to making you feel good with his mouth. the feeling of both of them on you has your toes curling and your panties getting wetter.

“shit, w-wonwoo, ji-jihoon,” you breathlessly whisper their names. “needed you both so bad, i missed this so much,” your last word turns into a moan when wonwoo feels up your clit through your shorts.

“jihoon, she’s so wet already,” wonwoo chuckles circling his thumb over the center of your crotch, enjoying the many noises that left your mouth. “we’ve barely even started honey, you wanna share with the class?”

“i’m practically about to make a spot on these shorts, i’m dripping wet for the both of you! take me on the floor, the wall, this fucking bench - i don’t care, i just need you both inside of me,” you desperately plead.

both of their dicks twitch at your words, and they share at look with each other. they nod their heads in agreement, and wonwoo places his thumb in your chin, ensuring all of your focus was on him.

“stand up pretty honey,” he commands, and you do, trying not to lose your balance. once you’re off wonwoo, jihoon slowly pulls your shorts down your legs, revealing the black, strappy panties you decided to wear.

amused, wonwoo trails his fingers over your waistband, pulling it away and then letting it snap against your skin. your core gushes, not expecting wonwoo playing with your panties to have such an effect on you.

“oh my god, please!” you whine. “no more teasing, i don’t think i can take it.”

jihoon laughs, pressing a kiss to your temple, fingers playing with your earlobe. “c’mon wonwoo, help me get our baby to the mirror.”

wonwoo gladly obliges, turning you around to have your back facing his chest. he helps you walk backwards as jihoon temporarily leaves you two, making sure the door was locked.

you turn your cheek toward wonwoo as his back finally presses against the reflective material, fingers slowly crawling towards your folds to touch you again - this time without any clothes blocking his way. “why do i get the feeling that you and hoon planned this before i got here?” you scoff in disbelief, but it quickly turns into another moan as wonwoo begins a scissoring motion that had your body aching for more.

“and if we did?” jihoon smirks, making his way back to you. he kneels when he gets in front of you, blowing lightly on your folds and you think you might pass out from the combined feeling of oral and physical touch in your most sensitive area.

“y-you guys are some-something el-else,” you can barely muster as jihoon begins to inhale your scent down there, groaning and mentioning how good you were going to taste.

“and i bet she would taste good too jihoon,”’wonwoo chimes in. “every time i’ve eaten you out, you’ve always filled my appetite. you’re so satisfying. you taste so sweet, pretty honey,” he brings his fingers out from inside you and brings them to your lips. without another thought, you suck dramatically on his fingers, enjoying how wonwoo pushed his fingers deeper into your mouth.

he pulls off with a pop and he goes to your chest, grabbing at any skin he could get his hands on. you press down on his hand as you brace for more, whimpering at how good it all felt.

you weren’t expecting to get louder however, and that’s when jihoon finally decides to put his mouth to use. he leaves one long lick on your clit, and your body breaks out in good shivers.

“oh my fucking god,” you breathe out, feeling like you were going to an otherworldly paradise. jihoon doesn’t stop there and continues his motions, alternating the pacing of his tongue.

“you like it when jihoon eats you out baby?” you nod frantically. “such a pretty little thing when you’re getting fucked out.. maybe i should fuck you from behind? hmm, put my tip in just a little bit and get you writhing for me,” he curves the shape of you ass and spanks the left cheek, causing you to tilt forward a bit as you cry out.

“please, please keep talking that way wonwoo, it s-sounds so good coming out of your mouth!” jihoon can’t help but laugh to himself because you were right, the more wonwoo talked dirty to you, the wetter you became, and all he wanted was to have your juices covering the bottom half of his face.

“such a needy, desperate little girl.. you love a filthy mouth don’t you?” before you can respond, wonwoo’s tongue roams on the edge of your earlobe and you whine out for your boyfriend.

“that’s right, keep calling my name out like that.. who’s helping you get off like this?”

“you are! wonwoo, wonwoo!”

“and be nice princess, who else is making you feel good? he’s working just as hard as me,” wonwoo tilts your head down to have you view jihoon, still making love to your folds like a pussy-starved man. jihoon looks at you with the most cunning, seductive look and you fear your coil could come undone any second.

“jihoonie,” you moan, biting down on your lip. “you’re making me feel so good down there, but i don’t know how long i can la- ah!” his tongue goes at its fastest pace since you three started and that’s all it takes for you to finally release, chanting both of your boyfriend’s names like they were the only words you knew.

jihoon moves his mouth away from the lower half of your body, a cheshire grin sweeping across his face, knowing his wish for today finally came true.

“came so much that you got it all over my face baby,” he licks his lips and the move has you clenching again, even though you had an intense orgasm seconds before. “dirty talk does something to you because you were dripping on my lips.” you blush at jihoon’s intimate statement as your body tries to slump to the floor, but wonwoo brings you back up.

“can’t have you laying down just yet, do you think you can handle another round princess? i do wanna put my dick inside of you, but only if you’re ready. what about you jihoon?”

the mentioned male nods in agreement, “yeah neither of us has filled you up yet, and i don’t think we can go anywhere until we’ve accomplished that.”

you look at the clock in the room, and there were about 10 minutes left before you guys had to leave. surely that’s enough time for one more orgasm.

“okay, but this time, i actually wanna see some skin from you two,” you pout. “i was the only one naked, and that’s not fair.. lemme see all of your work,” you innocently tease, doe eyes making them both horny.

“you really are something else,” jihoon expresses as he takes off his jacket first, then his shirt. wonwoo follows suit, hoodie coming off and his shirt following, both of their outerwear now in a small pile.

“you’ll have to help us with our pants though if you want both of us in your pretty little holes,” wonwoo remarks.

you sigh, knowing that even though you will get what you want, it’s not gonna come to you easy. that’s what it was like dealing with your gymrat boyfriends.

“yes baby,” you whisper as you come down to your knees, pulling down wonwoo, then jihoon’s pants and boxers down, revealing their pretty and girthy dicks.

“hm, i guess those late nights were worth it,” you say to yourself.

[bagopucks]

C. Caufield - Linear Progress

✄————————————

Cole Caufield x Fem!reader

Requested✨

Word Count: 3.3k

Warning(s): anxiety, mention of depressive episode, sad!cole

These upcoming fics are all things from my notes app from last season, doctored and given a finish so I could post! Some of these are so long it’d be a shame to just delete.

—————————————

His smile barely reached his eyes. His laughter was distant and distracted. Cole, so used to keeping good posture to feel like he measured up to those around him, stood about as poorly as a pregnant mother. His gloved hands clasped in front of himself as he shifted his weight from skate to skate.

I couldn’t take pictures of him like that. People would never notice the vulnerable state he was in, but I did. He looked so nervous. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but on the ice. And I knew that’s exactly what was going through his mind, because he’d pulled all the stops that morning trying to get me to call off for him. He’d tried saying he didn’t feel good, then he tried saying he just wanted to lay in bed. Then he tried faking a headache, and he tried tricking me into thinking he had gone back to bed. By the time I got him into the car, Cole’s attitude had done a complete switch. All of a sudden it was like work was the best place on earth. We had parted ways to do our separate things, but when I came down to the ice with my camera, I could sense Cole’s discomfort from a mile away.

“You wanna hit something other than the glass, Coley?” I watched Cole through the lens of my camera. Watched the way he brushed off the chirp with a quiet chuckle and a nod. He just wanted to stay home. I should have let him. Practice was only an hour, but it certainly felt longer. Between everybody’s endless digs on the blonde, and the occasional glances in Cole’s direction from coaches, I could see his facade cracking and fading.

I didn’t capture near as many photos as I would have liked, but my boss would just have to use what the other photographers got. Surely we’d have more than enough. I tucked my camera back into its bag by the time practice ended, watching the boys leave the ice, and eventually walking toward the visitors tunnel. I stopped short though, when I heard a puck slam off the glass. I turned back to the ice, my heart sinking in my chest at the frustration on Cole’s face.

“Fucking empty net.” His voice carried through the empty arena.

This had nothing to do with the empty net in the present. It had to do with the empty net he missed one week prior. That seemed to have started his scoring drought.

“Fuck.” He spat out. My brow furrowed as he skated toward the bench, my body tensing in anticipation as he raised his stick, clearly ready to slam it off the top of the bench wall until it broke. Before he could even bring the stick down, his entire body relaxed. He found reason within his anger. Or maybe he had simply given up. I watched Cole throw the stick aside in the bench instead, saying, ‘fuck it,’ before he stomped down the tunnel toward the locker room.

He had just returned from an injury. Adjusting was normal. Relearning some things was normal. But Cole wasn’t patient with himself. He never was. I carried my camera down the separate hall, half tempted to retrieve Cole’s stick, but ultimately deciding against it. He’d be embarrassed if he knew I’d watched him lash out like that. He hated when people saw any side of him that wasn’t the usual giggly and fun side.

I stole away to my office to finish a few things before I received a message from him, trying to speed up the process of downloading photos to my computer as Cole’s face popped up on my phone screen. I quickly answered the call.

“Hey, babe-“

“I wanna go home.” So much for pleasantries, but I hadn’t expected them in the first place.

“Give me maybe.. fifteen minutes, okay?” Silence followed my request for time.

“Please.” I heard his voice echo, my brow furrowing as I glanced toward my phone.

“Are you in the bathroom?”

“I just wanna go home.” I could have sworn I heard Cole’s voice quiver.

“You can come sit in my office while you wait.”

“I’m okay.” I wanted to pinch my nose. To grab him by the shoulders and shake the stubbornness out of him.

“Why don’t you go wait in the car then?” I bit my lip as I looked back at my computer.

“‘Kay. But.. just fifteen minutes, right?”

My eyes lit up when the photos finally loaded onto the computer.

“Less than fifteen.” I answered, “I’ll be fast.”

I tried to stay true to my word, but when my boss stopped me in the hall, I knew it would be far longer than fifteen minutes. A half an hour longer to be exact. When I got out of her office, I ran as quickly as I could through the building to get to the parking lot. I felt horrible when I noticed Cole’s head lift. Our car the only one left in the players lot.

I tossed my camera in the back and climbed into the passenger seat without so much as a word. I wasn’t in trouble, but I knew Cole wasn’t thrilled.

“You said fifteen minutes.” Cole hadn’t wasted much time getting the car started and pulling out of the lot.

“I’m sorry. My boss stopped me, and- god you know how she is.”

“Talks for hours, yeah.” Cole tried to muster a chuckle. He looked so apathetic. So careless. But not in a freeing or jovial way. He simply looked drained and tired.

“What do you wanna do when we get home?” I asked, glancing out the window at the passing scenery. Christmas was just around the corner. Snow covered sidewalks and streets, and Christmas decor was up everywhere.

“I just wanna lay down.” Cole shook his head. I turned my attention to him.

“You could use a hair cut.”

“Not today.”

“Might feel good.” Laying around and doing nothing in the midst of a funk never helped anybody. As easy as it was to laze around, it usually only made one’s mental health worse.

“You can lay with me.” He was stuck on this idea. Too bad I was stuck on my own as well.

“I’ll lay with you if you let me cut your hair.”

Cole didn’t reply. He bit his lip and ignored the proposal. “I have stuff to do today anyway.” I shrugged. I wanted to be there, but if Cole didn’t let me in, there wasn’t much I could do. So if he insisted on laying around all day, I’d busy myself with cleaning, straightening up the few decorations we had yet to put out, working on Christmas cards. Anything to busy myself while he stayed miserable.

“‘Mkay.”

It was the end of our conversation until we got back to our apartment. I carried my things inside behind Cole, who kicked his shoes off and headed straight for our bedroom. I had to stop myself from following after him. Instead, I dropped my camera bag on the love seat and wandered into the dining room to grab my laptop,

He’d come around eventually. It was what I kept telling myself as I turned on some Christmas music and put the few finishing touches on our customized Christmas cards. I sang along quietly, and set my laptop aside when I finished the cards. I saved the design to show to Cole when he felt better, and shot up from the couch to make a glass of hot chocolate.

I ended up making two, and against my better judgement, I carried one down the hall for my lover.

“Cole?” I toed our bedroom door open, spotting his still body curled up under a mess of blankets. His back was turned to the door, but I could tell he had the comforter pulled over half of his face. I sighed, resting the mug on his nightstand before I placed a hand on his arm.

“Made you some hot chocolate.” I whispered, leaning over to kiss his shoulder. I didn’t know if Cole was awake or not, but the affection was needed nonetheless. I tiptoed out of our room and pulled the door shut behind myself, only to return to my own world of lonely Christmas preparation.

I spent close to two hours putting up the last of the decorations and cleaning. I saved the tiny statues of Hermey and Rudolph for the tv mantle, where they always went, but Cole loved being the one to put them up. I stared down at the statues on the coffee table, placing my hands on my hips as I’ll Be Home For Christmas came on from my laptop on the couch. The cozy atmosphere was almost perfect. I just wished Cole didn’t feel so horrible. He deserved to enjoy his holidays. Not worry them away.

I glanced back toward the hall, hearing an ear splitting shatter as if on cue.

“Cole?” I shouted, panic seizing my chest as I took off through the hallway, making a sharp turn to push our bedroom door open. Cole was out of bed, wearing nothing but boxers, holding an arm out toward the door.

“It’s fine! I’m fine! I got it!” I looked toward the floor to see the mug I’d set on his dresser in pieces. I grimaced. His favorite mug. Hot chocolate ran across the floor, and I was quick to jog into the bathroom to grab a towel.

“Here.” When I returned, I tossed the towel on the floor, covering the small puddle of liquid. “I’ll go grab something to wipe the floor down.. you start picking up glass.” I left the bedroom, going to rummage through the kitchen for my floor cleaner. When I found it, I grabbed a few paper towels as well, returning in record time.

Cole was knelt on the floor, the towel from the bathroom pushed aside as he collected glass from the floor. I noticed the sporadic and heavy rise and fall of his back, the way his chest heaved. His hair covered his eyes, and despite not being able to see his face, I knew he was upset.

“Coley.” I made my way over and knelt next to him.

“I’m almost done.” Cole’s voice quivered. I set the items in my hands down, gently resting my hand on his cheek, turning his head to face me. Cole’s eyes were wet with tears, his cheeks flushed and stained by the tracks of tears that had already fallen.

“Oh, Cole.” I kissed his forehead, shaken by the sob that escaped his lips as he set the collected glass down atop a paper towel. I sat down on the floor and pulled him in. He’d been kneeling before, but he barely thought twice about it when his body fell into my own, back pressed into my chest while I held onto him tightly.

“I’m sorry.” The words came out through broken cries, but I merely shook my head and rubbed his side with one of my hands.

“It’s okay.. everything is gonna be okay.” Cole didn’t have days like these often. Where everything bubbled over and became too much to bear. He was good at keeping himself in check. In fact, he was usually the one taking care of me on days like these. But I never missed an opportunity to assure him I was there in moments when he felt he couldn’t function. When the dark cloud looming over was simply too much to bear. I rested my chin on Cole’s shoulder, pressing occasional kisses to his body to help distract and ease his mind.

“Cole,” I whispered as he started to calm down. He wiped the tears from his cheeks and slowly turned to look at me. “Let’s fix this mess, okay? Then we can relax.” He seemed reluctant to get up, and I knew he’d sit there all day if I didn’t take initiative. “C’mon.” I directed his attention back to the glass, helping him retrieve the last few pieces before he got up to throw them away. I made quick work of cleaning the floor, wiping down any sticky spots before I had stood up to put the towel in the hamper, and throw the paper towels away. When Cole returned, he stood in the doorway, hugging himself for warmth, or maybe still out of discomfort. I turned to look at him, flashing a sad smile.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to..” as if I didn’t know that. As if he hadn’t already apologized. I crossed the floor to meet him in the doorway, wrapping my arms around his body. I gently rubbed his back, taking note of the tight muscles.

“It was an accident. It’s okay.” I whispered, “you wanna talk about what’s been going on?” I looked up at him, earning a quiet ‘no,’ in response.

“Cole, you were just crying. It might help some.” I tucked a lock of his long blonde hair behind his ear, then trailed my hand down his face, following his jaw.

“I just wanna lay back down.”

There it was. That constant avoidance.

“At least lay with me on the couch. All the decorations in the living room are set out.” I rubbed the small of his back, earning a careful nod. “I’m gonna grab a sweatshirt first. It’s a little cold.” I moved my arms around to his stomach, nodding and pressing a kiss to his shoulder before I slipped out of the bedroom.

There was no promise that Cole wouldn’t lay back down in our bed, but I had to trust him a little.

When I got back into the living room, I shut the lights out and plugged the Christmas tree in. I grabbed one of our Christmas blankets and laid it out on the couch, waiting for him as I placed a throw pillow at one end. I laid down and pushed the blanket aside so I could pull it over us later. I grabbed the tv remote and started sifting through channels, smiling at Cole when he finally came through the hall. He still didn’t have pants on, but his sweatshirt sleeves were pulled over his hands, and he had the plastic end of one of the strings in his mouth. As cozy as he could get. I parted my legs for him to lay down between them, and he did with little to no hesitation. Cole’s back rested against my chest, his head finding a home near my shoulder. I wrapped my legs around his own and swiftly covered up with the blanket.

“You finished decorating without me?” I heard him sniff quietly, still recovering from the crying fit he had minutes ago.

“It had to get done.” I rested a hand on his head, gently combing my fingers through his hair. “I left Rudolph for you.” I gestured toward the coffee table with my free hand.

“Are we still visiting my family over Christmas?”

“Absolutely, Cole.” I smiled. “You’ve been looking forward to that since November.” When the silence settled between us, I moved my free hand to rest atop one of his own. I dragged my thumb across his knuckles, traced the lines in his hand, flipped it over to massage his palm.

“I just want it to be over.. ya know?” Cole’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“What do you want to be over?” I matched his volume, continuing to rub his hand and play with his hair. One little change might throw him off.

“I just wanna be good again.” He sighed, turning his head against my shoulder to look up at the ceiling.

“At hockey?”

“Yeah. I can’t even hit the net.” Cole closed his eyes, trying to hide his frustrations.

“Give it time, Cole. It’s all a part of recovery. It’s not a linear thing.” I whispered. “And we’re gonna go visit your family in a week. You should be focused on that. I know you wanna be back on the ice, but if you rush you could hurt yourself.”

“What if they don’t resign me?” My movement halted. I lifted my head from the pillow to peek down at him.

“Why would they do that?”

“Because I can’t play.”

“Cole.” I squeezed his hand. “You’re gonna recover. You’ll get back to playing hockey. Your skill hasn’t just gone away.” I could understand his concerns to a degree, but I knew these worries were all in his head. “If they decide to ship you off it’s because they’re morons. It’ll have nothing to do with your recovery. Injuries happen, and you can’t control them.” His silence was deafening. Sometimes I hated how hard Cole thought about things.

“I really like it in Montreal.”

“Cole.” A tension accompanied my tone. One that made his eyes fall toward the opposite end of the couch. “You can’t trap yourself in this endless cycle of negative thoughts.” I began to play with his hair once again. “What if they do want you? What if you recover so well that they decide to sign you for more years? What if you get a better contract than the last? What if this injury turns you into a superstar?” Cole shifted against me, clearly displeasured by the combative tactic I was using.

“Okay?”

“Cole. Anything can happen. Good or bad. You can’t control it.. so let’s just not think about it. It’s tearing you apart.”

“Because it’s my future! Don’t you get it?” Cole sat up, careful not to hurt me. I was quick to sit up as well, folding my legs criss-crossed on the couch as I watched his head fall into his hands. His once calm breathing began to pick up once again.

“The future isn’t going to sneak up on you Cole! The future is a second from now. A day, three days. It’s a fucking week or a month. It’s not going to come and assault you in an alleyway one day. You’re thinking too much. The physician, physical therapist, your coaches, they’re all working with you. They’re all making sure you get back on the ice. And they’ve been telling you that you’re recovering well. You’re doing great! Why don’t you see that?” I was impatient as I waited for an answer. Waited for Cole to look at me, or show some sign of understanding.

“I don’t know.” His voice quivered again. His chest heaved with a deep and quiet cry. He desperately needed that week off. He needed that week with his family. With his mother and his dog. Olive was the best at cheering Cole up.

I slid across the couch, draping one of my arms over his back as Cole cried quietly.

“It’s okay to be worried,” I whispered, resting my other hand on his thigh. “But you can’t let it consume you. You have to talk to people.” I didn’t know how we got there, but I knew it was because of his own stubborn behaviors. If he simply would have spoken to me before, we could have worked this out. And even despite knowing that, I couldn’t be mad. I couldn’t blame Cole for whatever reason he chose not to communicate, because I knew he didn’t do it to spite me or hurt me for not understanding. “You can’t let yourself get here, Cole. This constant state of panic won’t help anything.” I pressed a kiss to his head. “Things are going to turn out okay, but you need to allow yourself to see that. Please… let me help you see that.” I felt his body lean into my own, and I wrapped my arms around him once again. “There’s nothing to worry about.” I whispered, “take it one day at a time.”

✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾

[carmenberzattosgf]

Alright then, thanks! Following up on the tmi ask: (Again, emphasis on me being horny and dumb at that moment)

So: in february or march, I think, I was reading some Carmy or Lip smut, getting all worked up and *naturally* I procured my Lush toy (remote controlled vibrator, in case anyone's not familiar) and got to work. You can either control that thing via bluetooth or you can use this roulette sort of function, where you give strangers on the internet time-limited anonymous access to control it. Felt adventurous. Tried it. Was actually pretty hot, tbh. 

Now to the point: there was this guy… who did an insanely good job remote controlling that toy – like, dizzying, toe-curling good. And you can anonymously chat with these people, so while he made me come like 3 times we had a pretty hot chat going on, too. Afterwards, we keep messaging for a bit and he's like: Yeah, I'm currently in Chicago for work, but I don't live here, live on the west coast. And I think to myself Hah, what a coincidence, after reading Carmy/Lip fics, now I have a guy from Chicago here. Then he tells me he has to travel a lot for work, mostly NY, LA and Chicago. I'm like: Heh…heh… so… funny… this coincidence… (not my horny brain instantly going: dude, wouldn’t it be absolutely insane if it was JAW – and yeah it would! I mean logically I KNEW that's not possible, I don’t think the guy hangs out on anonymous sex toy apps, lol, but this was just the headspace I was in, okay? Yeah… I’m hooked anyway. I ask for his name. And he says he doesn't wanna say because he's kind of well known, but his name starts with a J, so I can call him J. … Now, I'm grinning, shaking my head to myself: don't be a fucking idiot this is impossible. But the hope, Jesus, that dumb hope… At some point I ask if he could send me a pic of himself, he says again No, because he has a few tattoos and doesn’t wanna get recognized. …!

Prefectly sensible request for this kind of situation, right? Sure, but brain goes: MUST be him!! I'm sitting upright in my bed by that point, on high alert, stupid as I am and painfully embarrassed by that dumb little fantasy I'm cooking up. Ah, sure, I tell him. Well maybe he could describe himself then, instead, just so I have a picture in my head when I think of him, wink wink? He goes Sure thing, he’s in his early thirties, pretty fit, been working out a lot, but isn’t exactly tall. Curly hair. (I'm planning our marriage by that point) He doesn't share much more personal stuff for a while, asks more about me, until I ask about his family – we've been chatting for almost the whole night by that point.

Says he’s been through a tough time and doesn’t want to go into detail, but he’s recently gone through a separation so he’s not looking for anything new, which is why he gets off on this app, instead.

…

Dude, I literally thought I was going insane with that whole conversation, felt like I was in a corny fanfic prompt lol.

He was so secretive about what line of work he’s in, he never revealed it. And we kept chatting for days and fucking EVERY answer fit perfectly, lol.

Hey so I would have gone clinically insane if this happened to me and would have to be admitted to an institution. My jaw is dropped rn bc this is way too specific to be someone trolling me.

This would haunt me forever actually. How are you alive rn

[6okuto]

🍙 for @satorisoup from my fruits basket :3

Long Post. but i (Rlly) summarized the questions for viewing ease 🫡

1) life & school

i Am nervous about school hbdfhbg i’m a sociology major!! ^^ love soc but i switched to honours so i have to keep my gpa up, and most of my classes this year are really reading/writing/presentation heavy.. plus i'm trying a full course load for the first time so doing my thesis next yr will be easier, but i'm already easily stressed and burnt out.. lol.. ;; it's probably fine though

life’s getting busy.. and i’m not sure my cosplay will get here in time for my con but it’s ok tbh! the good outweighs the bad for those things. i wish i had money for the con outside my grants/loans but LOL that's life 

2) celebrating my birthday with keiji :3

tmi maybe. i haven’t had a great birthday since i was 15/16 to be honest FBHBDJ i'm so burnt out and depressed in dec that the past few years i haven’t done anything at all LOL but hearing this,, keiji makes it his mission to give me a good one ^^ ! 

he takes the day off and makes sure the day is just for us! practices making heart shaped pancakes and cooks breakfast.. i walk in on him in the kitchen super focused and accidentally scare him LOL he wanted it to be a surprise but it’s ok!! i watch and talk while i wait

it’s usually cold so i don't go anywhere ;; but we still have fun!! it’s nothing crazy,, we just talk, put on a show while we work on a puzzle or bake… play some co-op games.. order dinner.. yeagh

if it isn’t awful outside, we might make a little snowman or snow angels at the park nearby :]

he gets birthday gifts separate from his christmas ones.. since they're so close my birthday’s kinda overshadowed & i tell people to get one gift or none but keiji refuses!! he writes a long heartfelt letter, commissions art of us & our cat, and buys custom matching necklaces + little crochet accessories + ribbon 🙂‍↕️ (also macarons. i rock w macarons.)

3) favourite aki scene :3

his morning routine changed my life. they didn’t have to do that (not in the manga) but they did… my beautiful domestic soft morning dreams… it’s so Aki… and then i think about how he’d include u in his routine when ur together the way he does with denji and power… ouh..

4) art app + ur new stylus :0

looks down and kicks rocks. krita user over here. not that anything’s wrong with krita. i just feel lame when i see brushes i want because of course they’re never for krita. but it’s cool! how's ur new pen!! bro sometimes krita’s pressure sensitivity doesn’t work on start-up and i didn’t realize i could just restart the window settings . i kept reinstalling it. it’s fine but Wow i was miserable for so long (Months. like a stupid poopoo head)

5) Secret Art Opinions.

olivia wilde nodding gif. smoking duck gif. no one knows what i know no one’s seen what i’ve seen. BEAUTIFUL!! PERF!! i love his smile and jewelry (🤯) and hair and EVERYTHING!! your art style is SOO lovely cutieful lene!! and a 17 layer max seems nonsensical?! HELP.. how big is your canvas.. what app are you using bc isn't there ones made for what u want to try.. I believe in U!! no matter what i’m sure it will turn out awesome!!! he would be so flattered. his lips would wobble and he'd gasp/whine and hug and kiss u like WHAT!! FOR HIM..?..!!! yeah.

6) akaashi and i’s song :00

wanna say i will by mitski but that’s gonna be in every self-ship playlist of mine. maybe home by reese lansangan.. hesitate to say it’s Our Song but it’s a good one!!

My bones are safe / And my heart can rest / Knowing it belongs to you / My world is changed / And it's cradled by / The comfort that is you

7) monster lover post + ones i like

i wish i had good specific hear me out's but i don’t consume a lot of media with them so the ones i can think of are super basic and boring… i’d need a list in front of me so i could smash or pass. (if u have any in mind let me kneow.) but

the teacher from the girl from the other side. Like it’s my fault. doting adoptive self-sacrificial father figure DON’T TALK TO ME. also i must mention tokoyami. + shirou from BNA if he counts

tai lung from kung fu panda just once. the plague doctor (scp-049) obviously

probably some transformers. i like bumblebee 🩷 THE PACIFIC RIM JAEGERS . gipsy danger of course. striker eureka of course. gipsy avenger & november ajax & valor omega (Sorry.). azure defiant omgg PILIPPINS! 🇵🇭🇵🇭

i can usually get behind a “hear me out” if it isn’t like.. super slimey(?) or spikey. they could all hurt me but anything Very sharp/spikey i’m like nooo owwww ouchie nooo..

8) JJK since hell started on earth (+ lenoso!)

I Have been keeping up. unfortunate for my happiness. but Dear God. finding that out two hours after a comm and on FORTNITE is CRAZY? I’m so sorry. I get it. there’s like 3 vids and 6 pics of me crying. …did u at least win the fortnite match. i thank god every day my main thing is HQ because i just watch guys play volleyball. the manga.. a bit exciting.. hoping for an Ok outcome… maybe if gege has love and megan thee stallion in his heart

9) demon slayer opinions (+ genya specifically)

i watched the first season of kny but dropped it after hebfhsbjb nothing against it, just not rlly my cup of tea!! but i know quite a few deaths and the manga ending.. i don’t have a fave demon though.. i liked tanjiro + giyuu + sabito (predictable x3). also fond of rengoku (predictable) and mitsuri/obanai (predictable). Is akaza awesome and beautiful. i don't rlly know genya but i’ve seen him and his brother!! I will like him In Ur honour!!! ur friend reporting u for an edit is crazyehsbfjhb STAY STRONG… GENYA! i’m sure he’s fantastic!!

10) bnha + izuku thoughts!

Who’s calling izuku ugly. ☹️ i get u btw Like it’s my fault i’m always fond of the main characters and want the best for them. i don’t usually read stuff for him bUT i fr see the appeal, and he can be soo super interesting/fun to write and read about!! AND HE’S NOT UGLY!! ☹️ he’s very cutieful handsome. grown up deku… vivid and beautiful in my mind… 

11) favourite food, drink, etc. :3

rice . LOL i don’t think i have a favourite food but i love pinoy chicken dishes! my mom's adobo + caldereta + niligang manok. also been eating chorizo de cebu lately.. yummay..

sweet drinks.. frappes & taro boba… i need to expand my palette but y'know. and my fav soda is crush

i said this but i Love Macarons. you give me a plate of macarons i’m inhaling that shit like kirby. also sapin sapin and cheesecake! a great cake in general is so yummayyy

big hazelnut creme chocolate fan. I Love hazelnut chocolate. started when i was a child with kinder eggs and purdys chocolate hedgehogs and here i am

fav cereal is kellogg's krave. obvious chocolate fan here

SUSHI VIBES IS SO INTERESTING i’m pretty sure i’ve never had a piece. like ever. i do like fish… do u have any fave sushi.. i doubt i’ll be trying any soon but for future reference!!

12) anything and everything else ^_^ (mammon + mlp ment.)

Lene i have stuff to talk about at all times and will overshare every time

YAGH! mammon is the avatar of greed and 2nd eldest brother of 7 in Obey Me: One Master To Rule Them All. i actually didn’t like him at first (I’m sorry.) but he grew on me real bad. it’s serious. he's very tsundere which is Not my type but. something happened. He's a softie.. he cares about you and everyone So Much.. he's very empathetic and emotionally intelligent even if he struggles with being vulnerable.. he can generally control his emotions better /gets angry less than his brothers… he gets teased/mistreated a lot.. he loves money and hates working but he loves U even more So Of Course He’d do/give up Anything 4 U.. he's insecure and has called himself worthless on his own Which Devastated Me So Bad i love this guy so much Let’s All Just. oh man.

i Did like MLP. i stopped watching at some point but i want to go back and watch it all.. predictably obsessed with princess cadance and shining armor. I wanted to be her and I wanted him. Predictably. i cried over BBBFF when i was little btw /pos but hm.. my fav show was gravity falls maybe. so good.

we finally fixed what was wrong with the water in the one bathroom in the house that has a bath tub. exciting because i’ve never taken a bath… want to see what it’s like… perhaps use a bath bomb 🤔..

don’t think i’ve processed we’re going to have another person living with us. wow

been thinking about p5 akira a lot. my stupid beautiful loser sopping wet cat idiot handsome prince guy. Do u think 13 year old me would be surprised i still like him or that my bff likes goro or that i ship akeshu. i have 150 ss's from the p5 vn. and when i say he's written like my version of akaashi keiji.. hah......

might deactivate at some point tbh. saying this because i don't think people will read this far so it's like a little secret convo but i feel like i've overstayed my time / don't rlly fit anywhere bshdjsd i'll click delete account and just Stare for a while. like at some point u think about it so much it's like.. girl stop clinging on and just do it. but i don't want to lose my stuff so it won't happen until i put it all somewhere else. which won't be soon because i'm lazy as shit so. that's life i guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ def won't until i finish my event.. will see if i can at least make it to my blog anni if not my birthday 🤔 would probably come back at some point anyway. also my users... can't lose 6okuto r u joking...

been rocking with pleasure delayer by between friends & rock-paper-scissors by katzenjammer lately.

broken 3 nails this week and may unfortunately break a 4th. my stupid baka life. might just cut the rest and restart... they were all Even. 1/2 cm long bro.. why does this happen to me...

excited to call and ask about my joke bear plate in a few days. i'm 100% sure i didn't do an even number of coats for everything and it'll look wonky in places, but i think that's part of the appeal. the nia 6okuto joke bear brand

thank u for joining and asking lene!! 🙆🏻‍♀️🩷🩷 i like 2 talk so do not worry. would u like some q's back.. a similar amount.. less.. more.. let me kneow. meow

[violetdazy]

okay before i get off my soapbox i wanna talk about tiktok users moving to xiaohongshu / rednote / little red book. i fear the general understanding of the situation is shallow and incomplete, and i want to add some context. it’s a very interesting and in some ways heartfelt moment in internet history, but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

the tl;dr is that while there is a lot of good, there are also a lot of issues with a ton of (primarily white) foreign users suddenly flocking to the app.

first some disclaimers:

i am a white american who heard about the app on tiktok specifically as an alternative option after the ban

this post is strictly about my perspective and is not objective in any way

i dont intend to speak over people who may be better suited to discuss this topic than me, but rather to provide a glimpse into my experience on the app (specifically in terms of the migration from tiktok)

i wish i had examples to show, but unfortunately i did not expect to be making this post. plus for privacy reasons i dont want to repost anyone’s words outside xhs in a way that can be linked back to them

one major unavoidable bias for my experience is that while i can translate comments via google translate, i cant translate spoken content unless one is provided - e.g., all posts about the foreigners on xhs that i can understand must therefore include me as part of the intended audience, creating a bias for what content i am able to include in my experience

the algorithm works in mysterious ways. other people’s experiences are likely very different than my own, and may have seen very different content

i greatly enjoyed (and will likely continue to enjoy) my time on xhs, which also could be a bias worth recognizing

i have zero qualifications relevant to this topic. i just wanted to put my thoughts out there

okay now for the post.

why is this happening?

most americans made accounts there primarily as a protest with a little bit of curiosity thrown in - i'll admit this was my own mentality going in. the video that convinced me to make an account talked about how a lot of gen z have grown up with the understanding that our "personal" data has never been personal, and therefore many dont care who owns it.

this, combined with the percieved hypocrisy of banning tiktok specifically ("senator, i'm singaporean") drove a lot of people to make accounts. not just americans either - some europeans and canadians expressed on tiktok that they would be sad to see the americans leave, and on xhs expressed that they followed us there.

arrival of the foreigners

people coming from tiktok have been using the phrase and hashtag “tiktok refugees” to describe themselves and find community. i hate this for a number of reasons, and have recently seen discourse spring up about it as well. i will not be using it in this post and will use “foreigners” instead as that is what the chinese users refer to us as (though it is not uncommon for them to call us refugees either).

there are some foreign users that want to engage with chinese people and assimilate into the app's style (think of it as a mix of instagram and pinterest in video format). but there are also people who want to make their own tiktok style community there & just hope that the algorithm keeps it separate from the original chinese xhs community. this has caused discourse about whether you should translate everything you post, even if your intended audience is not chinese users. i wont weigh in here personally, but from what i have seen, the chinese netizens prefer we translate everything (at least, this was the sentiment before the app update added a translation feature). it is not uncommon to see comments from foreigners about how other foreigners should be adding chinese translations on posts entirely in english, usually stating “it was their app first, and we are just guests”. some even refer to people only using english on the app as “tiktok colonizers”.

there is a lot of curiosity from both chinese and foreign users. some chinese users make posts asking us to post everyday things, like our normal breakfast, what the streets in our city look like, and so on. there are also lots of posts where chinese users teach foreigners chinese slang an hashtags for smaller communities. the crafting community is big there, and apparently there are lots of very popular lesbian users? i saw one chinese user say “lesbians run this website” though i’m not sure how popular that sentiment is.

a lot of conversation between chinese and foreign xhs users is comparing notes on everyday life. there is a very popular video of an american woman losing her mind over how cheap vegetables are in china. this prompted a chinese user to talk about how they always made fun of americans for eating so unhealthy, but now realize that fresh vegetables are just more expensive here.

lots of foreign users, especially americans, have reported unlearning a lot of stereotypes and lies taught to us by our society thanks to their time on xhs. i saw one video from a chinese user sad to hear that we had been taught that chinese people hated americans, and reassured foreign users that this was not the case.

while foreign users are unlearning a lot of sinophobic propaganda, some chinese users are finding that some of what they have heard about american life is actually true. common questions are “does it really cost money to take an ambulance?” and “what happens if you cant afford medical care?”

despite the mostly warm welcome from chinese users, there are still foreign users who are ignorant, disrespectful, and even racist. early on there were a lot of comments like “hahaha what is even going on why is everything in chinese”, though usually when i clicked on these comments, they were from minors (not excusing, but explaining). same for the racist comments, usually mocking the chinese language or parroting the usual anti-chinese stereotypes that i’m sure i do not need to repeat.

overall, i think this is the first time many americans are having the experience of being a foreigner. this comes with a lot of complicated feelings, discourse about how to act, and in some cases, lashing out at other users for calling them out on their inappropriate behavior towards the xhs natives.

chinese user reactions

you might have seen posts about how great everyone is getting along - people sharing pictures of their pets, english speakers helping chinese people with their homework and vice versa, and all sorts of other feel good things. this is not a misrepresentation - i have seen teary-eyed and sentimental videos from both chinese and foreign users, talking about how much we have learned from each other and how the world feels so big and so small at the same time. a common sentiment is that it feels like their “school pen pal has finally written back”. sentiments of this being the way to bring about world peace are also not uncommon.

unfortunately though, that is not the only (or even the prevailing) feeling represented on the app. i have also seen chinese citizens living abroad lamenting how their primary connection to their homeland and culture has been watered down by posts from the people from where they currently live. many chinese users spoke about how they were shocked to open the app one morning and see their home page filled with white foreigners speaking english.

similarly, ive seen users lament that lots of white foreigners gained followings much quicker than they were able to (though in at least one case, i saw a chinese user hypothesize that this was mostly because the white foreigners who gained followings so quickly were “hot”, and most likely had a following on tiktok before they came here). foreign users also tend towards shorter (less than a minute) videos, where as chinese users’ videos typically range from 2-3 minutes - meaning, foreigner’s videos tend to go gain traction faster by nature of being shorter. given that, like tiktok, you can make a career on xhs, this could potentially impact chinese creators’ income.

i also saw several chinese users who studied abroad in the US express feeling complicated about how welcoming chinese xhs users were to foreigners, when their experience in the US was very much the opposite. another common sentiment is fear for what an influx of foreigners would do to the website, with one user even directly comparing it to the american colonization of indigenous people (though i believe this was said as a half-joke).

one chinese user reported getting a ton of racist comments on one of her videos, and made a video where they were (in her words) “angry and upset”. then, she posted a follow up video saying she was overwhelmed by the amount of apologetic americans on that video - someone even drawing a picture of her and practicing writing her name in chinese - and how beautiful she felt the interaction was.

another major sentiment ive seen is that this influx of foreign users is temporary. many chinese users say they are not sure how long this will last, usually to a chorus of comments from foreign users promising to stay regardless of tiktok’s future. the primary reasons for this are that many foreign users find the xhs community to be much nicer and friendly than other websites, including tiktok.

you may have also seen people talk about how xhs is going to separate chinese users from foreigners via IPs - effectively cutting off the chinese diaspora from mainland chinese users without using a vpn. i cannot express how devastating this would be for those users. however, this appears to only be a rumor on tiktok - i havent seen anything about it on xhs or from a verifiable news source. if anything, i doubt it will be a strict separation, but more similar to how other websites use language as part of their algorithm.

on a positive note, in the past day or so, a translation feature was added, likely a direct result of foreign users flocking to the app. personally i hope that this will be a win for users of the app all around.

anyways thats all, i just wanted to memorialize my experience there so far. there’s def more i could say about it, like the censorship on the app and cultural taboos that foreigners aren’t used to, but i need to do some independent research there to avoid speaking out of ignorance.

[bl6ckr0s3]

Back To My Roots

As soon as some bids came out, I put in 3 bids on tour 3. 2 are working at the dock, and one is working around the automation machine. Yes, I h8 automation, but hopefully this job won’t be as bad as coming in on graveyards working on the same shitty robot. I wish I was able to spend all evening separating and unsleeving the trays of 3 digit and 5 digit mail. Such an easy job and it keeps me busy in 1 spot. When Shea is my supervisor, he allows me to do that which is smart. Sadly, Tim and Jamie ain’t the same way. I remember when Jamie was asking him something about what he was or wasn’t aware of then I remember Tim was responding back to him like he thought he knew something, then he said he must’ve been tired. Lol. All I know is I just need to get back to my old tour, because 1 is definitely not working out for me since I got here. I rather be doing something different on my preferred schedule than what I am currently stuck doing right now.

I haven’t called back the court yet about being able to have a conference call during the hearing. I just haven’t made any time to do it because as much as I should be there present, I rather avoid dealing with my son’s father as much as possible. If I have to deal with the child support bullshit again with the father, then that will be handled next time the same way with a mediator.

I had been calling off work more than I should’ve since I been here. Hopefully, I will still have my job until I am able to bid out then hopefully I can do better with my attendance and fix it on my preferred shift. Tour 1 really has fucked up my sleep. I am honestly not really worried about being writtened up either because I got many other issues to deal with and I don’t have time for anybody’s bullshit whether they care or not.

Evertime me and Joshua are out doing runs on Uber deliveries, I miss the times I am able to eat out, go to shows, do all the things I was able to do and still had some money to myself. I really am sad that I had it better back in the older days when I was financially stable. I took a lot of those times for granted, but at the same time I know I had it better back then even when I had my own place in San Bernardino. Everything got all fucked up ever since Covid19 hit the world. As we are driving around thru all these nice neighborhoods with big beautiful homes and a lot of yard space, I feel sad that I may take a long ass time before we may possibly have anything like that in the future. Even just to have a small house will make me happy. No more renting apartments, being able to even rent a home would be a blessing to just have all the space we need for our things rather than to spend extra money on storage. My photography won’t be able to expand anytime soon. I been wanting to get a 2nd job, but Joshua wants us doing the Uber deliveries together which hasn’t been a consistent thing with our schedules, and the amount of rides that come thru the app ranges because if you are wanting to work in a certain nice rich area that’s clean and has no drug addicts and a lot of homeless roaming around, we are less likely to run into accidents.

We have witnessed a shooting at the front of some guy’s front yard with some psychotic chick in her big red pick up truck yelling at his ass when he was busy talking to another female outside his home. Next thing you know, we were hearing gun shots from that lady trying to shoot up the guy. We didn’t stick around to see what happens because we didn’t wanna get shot. We have witnessed a couple of bad accidents including a huge group of a motorcycle crew that we’re doing a bunch of stupid stunts on the road and riding on sidewalks then we saw a car got into a wreck with one of them. The car’s front end was pretty much done and there was so much leakage coming from the vehicle from the crash. We just choose to avoid the ghetto parts of Nashville. Doing deliveries around apartments is also a pain in the ass especially if you are having to hunt down their place instead of the person coming outside to meet you to get their order which makes the delivery a lot easy and less time consuming. With the nice areas, we just deliver to houses which are easier to locate and find.

Joshua has been having conversations with his friend William (who helped produce his “Peacemaker” song) of him joining Royalty Kult and possibly writing and recording music together. He lives in. N. Carolina. They have plans on just doing Skype or zoom meetings to write their material and when there is an opportunity to do mini tours next year, hopefully they will be able to get a full band together by then. All they need is a drummer and a 2nd guitarist. Mike from BIAS may be joining his project because things doesn’t seem to be working out with them in the long run. He also has plans to move to N. Carolina because his dad lives there.

From what I been hearing and seeing on social media, seems like more people are planning on leaving California.

[adezahnae]

While Mommy’s on a Little Trip (Part 1)

A/N: SURPRISE!! YOU LIKED THE DRABBLES SO I MADE A 4-PART SMUT VERSION OF DILF!STEPDAD!MATHTEACHER!JAEHYUN!! WOOO🥳

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 2.5 | Part 3 | Part 4

Warnings: Smut, fingering, secrets, cheating, masturbation, family affair stepdaughter!reader x dilf!stepdad!mathteacher!jaehyun

Tagged Ppl: @softieekayy @seungmoomin @keeach @seoyutayong @whoreforshuaaa

Your POV

“Okay, study for your test that is tomorrow. Some of you can’t afford to fail, knowing who grades are slipping.” Mr. Jung said. The class groaned as they closed their books. “Mr. Jung! Math is too hard! Can you tutor me?” A female student asked as she flattered her eyebrows. “No and don’t do that, you look like there something stuck in your eye.” Mr. Jung said. The girl blushed of embarrassment and looked away.

“Could you help me with the test, Y/n?” One of the boys asked me. “Why?” I asked trying to pay attention to Mr. Jung. “Because that’s your dad??” He said. “And please don’t ask my daughter for help on the test thank you.” Mr. Jung announced. I snickered as the boy huffed and sat back in his chair.

After class was over, it was lunch time and students were gathering their things. “Thank you everyone, please study for your test. Y/n let’s go and get lunch.” Mr. Jung said. All the girls whined and groaned as I went up to his desk and waited for him to finish getting his things together. “Mr. Jung! Why can’t you just let her stay here? She doesn’t need to be by your side all the time!” A girl exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes. “Last time I did that when a test was approaching, you all used her for answers and it’s not happening again. My little princess was exhausted by the end of the day.” He said as he ruffled my hair. My legs rubbed together at the nickname ‘princess’. I gulped and hid my blushing face. All of the other students left the classroom leaving me and Mr. Jung alone.

“I saw that.” He said. “What?” I asked looking up at him. “The way your legs rubbed together when I called you princess.” He smirked. I slightly pushed him, embarrassed. “Let’s go, I’m hungry.” I mumbled. He laughed and picked up his keys. “Come on let’s go.” He said.

As we were walking down the halls of the school, Mr. Jung got a message. “Who’s that?” I asked. “Your mom. She said she has to tell us something when we get home.” He said texting her back. I nodded and continued to walk. I heard him chuckle at something. “What is it?” I asked. “Nothing, just your mom.” He replied. I looked at him with disgust. “Ew..she must’ve sent you a picture.” I said. He looked over at me. “Is my baby girl jealous?” He cooed.

By this time we were out of the school and at the car. I got in the car. “Whatever...” I said. He got in as well. “Aww sweetheart, you know you’re the only I really wanna look at.” He said giving me a kiss on the forehead, making me smile. “Now say ‘daddy loves me’” he said. I giggled. “Daddy loves me.” He smirked. “That’s my good girl.” He replied cranking up the car and pulling off.

By this time, school has ended and we are on our way back home. When we arrived through the front door, our mom was standing there with a big smile on her face. “Come in! I got dinner ready.” She said as she walked in the kitchen. Me and Mr. Jung looked at each other then put our stuff down and following her.

“What is it babe?” Mr Jung said, giving my mom a kiss on the lips. I cringed and looked away. Mom sat on one side of the table while me and Mr. Jung sat on the other. “So what’s the news mom?” I asked. “I’m going on a business trip for a week.” She announced.

“What?” I asked. “Yup, and you will be here with your dad.” She said looking at Mr. Jung. He smiled at her. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she is safe.” Mr Jung said looking at me. “Good, I’m leaving tomorrow morning. It’s Thursday so I’ll be back next Thursday.” She said. I nodded and ate more of my food. “I hope you behave yourself for this entire week.” Her voice was stern. “Oh she will...I’ll make sure of that.” Mr. Jung said looking at me.

His hand slipped on my thigh and moved it up and down. I looked back at him to see him smirking. His hand separated my thighs, making my legs open. He moved my underwear to the side and pushed in a finger, while eating his food. I widened my eyes stuffing food down my mouth.

My mom’s phone started to ring. “Oh hold on! It’s my boss. I’ll be back guys.” She said as she rushed out the room. I made sure she was out of the room and dropped my fork, groaning. “Shh, princess.” He mumbled as he started to kiss my neck. I bit my lip, trying to keep my sounds down. He sped up his pace while gripping my breast. “D-Daddy...” I gasped. “Shhh....” He whispered again. I grabbed his wrist. “I-I’m c-close...” I whimpered.

Just then, my mom came back in, making him pull away just in time. “Okay guys, now, where were we?” My asked sitting back down. “On making sure Y/n behaves herself.” He answered. I looked over at Mr. Jung. He had a smirk on his face. He planned this...damn tease...

“Jae...oh yes..” I heard my mom moan. “You like that, huh?” He says back. I heard a smack to her butt, making her groan. “Yessss!! Oh Jae yes!!” She moans again. I let out a huff and turned over, feeling jealous. I grabbed my phone and went to the camera app. I took my clothes off and got out of bed. I cut on my red lights in my room and pressed the record button.

I filmed my upper body and then down to my lower half. I used my fingers to tease my clit and entrance. I pushed a finger inside gasping. I added another and groaned. I sped up my pace and yelped out his name. “Daddy...Oh Mr Jung...I need you..” I whispered. “I want you so bad...” I whispered some more.

I then reached my high. “Daddy! Oh please! It feels so good!” I yelped out, riding out my climax. I finished and cleaned off my fingers. I sent the video to Mr. Jung and went to go and shower. After I was done, my phone went off. I opened the message, seeing it was from Mr. Jung.

Daddy🤤❤️: “You’re lucky Daddy’s phone was off or else you would’ve been in more trouble than you already are, Princess...”

“I’m sorry Daddy, I just wanted you...”

Daddy🤤❤️: “You’re gonna have me alright, you just wait until your mom is gone. Your ass is mine..”

I gulped at the last sentence but in a good way. I got in bed and thought of all the things Mr. Jung would do to me.

[theji]

Things Yizhan Made Me Do

It's BXG Day today! 🐢💛

To commemorate the occasion, I thought of making a list of 13 out-of-character things that I've done since falling into the fandom. (OK I'm a bit late I meant to do this sooner, the day is ending soon in a couple of hours).

1. Start a blog

And a public one, no less. I had a blog when I was in my teens but that was private, like a personal diary. My day job already involves writing so off-work I would usually like to indulge in mindless activities. Now, here I am, maintaining a Yizhan blog. I have not even used Tumblr prior to this but I'm enjoying it now, rambling about our fav boys. Writing is not a chore if it's about them.

2. Join a fandom

I joined a boy band fan club once upon a time, some 15 years ago, but I was never as invested in it as I am now with Yizhan. Back then it was just buying some merch, attending their concert/autograph sessions, listening to their songs. Apart from work, dog mum duties, personal relationships, other hobbies like kombucha brewing, most of my free time is now spent on the fandom. My Netflix account is crying. There is just so much to do and catch up on (I'm not complaining). I also enjoy interacting with and learning from other bloggers here. Antis are no fun and some industry news/developments/hate messages are upsetting but ultimately, you curate your own fandom experience. And I choose positivity and rationality.

3. Indulge in RPS

I don't ever 'ship'. What is 'ship'? 😆 I was always a dutiful audience, just enjoying whatever drama series and moving on after that. I started with CQL like most people and I didn't even notice/like GGDD until much later. Didn't even set out to 'ship' anyone but now I'm a self-professed turtle. SZD is SZD, and anyone can see something special between them if you keep an open mind. I wrote about my SZD reasons here previously. That said, GG & DD are individuals, each with their own successful careers. They come first, the ship comes second. That I'm very clear of.

4. Use Chinese apps

Gosh, my phone and tablet are now full of Chinese apps. I used to have only WeChat cos I needed it for work but now I have Weibo, Oasis, Douyin, WeTV, MangoTV, Youku, etc. Some of them are not even available in the app store so I had to find alternative sources to download them. haha..I even have paid membership for some of these apps. And now, browsing Weibo daily becomes a routine. If you wish, you can just get stuck browsing Weibo for a long long time. It's entertaining.

5. Read fan fic

I only started about 6 months ago but now I'm hooked and fics are largely the only thing I read these days, apart from news. But I only read Yizhan or WangXian fics (p.s. calling for fic recs of other pairings!) I know some might have different feelings about fan fics but to me, I really just see them as fiction, with characters (and sometimes traits) bearing similarities to GGDD. Similarly, I separate the platform from the incident so I have no problems going to A03 despite GG's incident. I just enjoy seeing the characters named XZ/WYB having happy endings in many different timelines and universes. While most of the fics I read are explicit (by design), I don't use them as tools to play out certain fantasies or to think of GGDD in a sexual manner. In fact, I really hate fics that have little substance and just go into the explicit parts without plot development. I like those with interesting premises too, like one I read recently where XZ is a serial killer and WYB is a police officer investigating the case but also in love with him. I do have plans to share my list of fav fan fics some time down the road so keep an eye out for it!

6. Willingly read Chinese

Yes, Chinese may be my mother tongue but I don't use it much in daily living unless I have to. I also find it tedious to read Chinese cos the characters are just so squashed together. If I have a choice, I will always pick English. But now, I read so much Chinese from my daily weibo browsing. I even read fan fics in Chinese! Who am I? On the plus side, I think my Chinese comprehension and translation skills improved. I also picked up some internet lingo used by Chinese netizens, which are pretty interesting like doi, 🐮🍺, 🖍. My all-time fav is yyds.

7. Act like a cougar

In real life, I have always maintained that younger men are childish. At least those I have encountered. But look at me now, fangirling over two younger men (I am closer in age to GG, but still..). I even jokingly call them my 'China Boyfriends'. I look at them very respectfully most of the time.

8. Buy merch

Seriously, once you start, you can't stop. At least that was what happened to me, although I'm still quite selective when it comes to supporting their endorsements. I usually go for consumables like food, cosmetics vs collectibles cos I'm more practical. Also, GG says to support their merch within reasonable means so that's what I'm doing. Just buying things that I'm interested to try and not because it has their faces or names slapped on it. In a way, this suits me cos I like trying new brands and stuff anyway.

9. Keeping a Yizhan archive

Photos, weblinks, videos, songs, fan fics list..my phone is full of these things now. I think my Yizhan photo gallery is only second to the folder with my dogs' pictures. But how can you resist when we are blessed with new pics of them almost every week?

10. Camp for livestreams

I'm lucky I live in the same time zone as the boys so I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch something. But that's the thing, being in the same time zone sometimes make me feel like I HAVE to watch that thing live because, why not? Why wait? Not shy to admit that I once watched a live programme in the middle of work but I made sure I finished what needed to be done. I think so long as we don't let these livestream schedules run our lives, there's no harm in camping for them.

11. Watch c entertainment

I am one of those who used to pass over Chinese productions, simply because it's a Chinese production. Not in a scoffing manner but I'm just genuinely not interested in them nor the celebs. I was more of a US/UK production kind of person, occasionally Korean/Japanese. Now, I'm learning to enjoy them although I just watch those with GGDD in them. No energy to follow other Chinese celebs anyway. The other programme I'm contemplating watching even if it doesn't have them in it is Who's the Murderer (GG was only in one of the cases) cos I like the premise. On the flip side, now my sis and partner keep making fun of me cos to them, all I do now is "watch China shows". That is so not true. Or is it?

12. Write fan mail

I wrote a letter to GG once. A long-ass letter. I hope he read it. That's all I'm gonna say. 🙈 hahahahaha

13. Desire to visit China

China was never on my list of to-visit places. Just wasn't interested. I have been to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou a few times in the past for work but even then, I never felt the urge to revisit for leisure. Now, I wanna visit GG and DD's home town, visit Chongqing to see the graffiti wall with Bobii Zanbii on it, eat mala hotpot and try out their sauce recipe, attend BXG events, dine at the CQL restaurant... Watching TTXS also made me realise that there are many beautiful places in China with natural landscapes and all that. I used to be clouded by my disdain for the regime and some behaviour of its citizens but now, I recognise that the country is separate from the regime or a smaller group of poorly behaved citizens. China is a beautiful country and I would love to visit some day. I will fly over immediately on my own if someone gives me tix to ADLAD!!

Well, I hope some of these things resonate with you. Feel free to share the OOC things that Yizhan made you do.

Once again, Happy BXG Day! 🐢💛🐆🐇🐷🌶🦁🍑🐶🍍🛹🎋

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers (February 22nd, 2021)

Hello! Here’s another collection of anon ask answers all put together in one big post.

This might be strange considering how upbeat yall are about the fandoms for your games in general, but is there any particular trope or ship you WOULDN'T want us writing/drawing/etc. in relation to your stuff? (IE, any canon you don't want us 'overwriting' or something like that?)

Of course we would want the fan content people make to not be racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted, harmful, etc. But in terms of generally doing non-canon pairings or adding in headcanons or stuff, we really don’t mind that. People are welcome to have fun and explore their own ideas.

for the 1.2 Android update was it meant to download as a  separate app? I really want to keep my previous save files but they don't show up (also thank u for the updates I'm really excited to get back into the game!!)

We had to change the name of the file and unfortunately for some phones that meant it’s treated as a brand new game. I’m sorry your saves didn’t transfer over to the new version. You can try to look up your specific phone and see if there’s a way to access save files for games on your device and then transfer those saves over to the new build manually. It may or may not be possible.

I'm having some trouble figuring out how to get the update from Itichio without losing my save files? Is it the same game or a folder I can put in the properties? Sorry if this question is not worded well or if this isn't the avenue you'd want to take technical questions on

Are you using Android? If so, the above answer may apply to you. If you’re on PC or Mac, the save files will automatically still be included.

Hey. I really loved playing our life. It was a fun experience and I never thought I would like it this much. I do have a question, I am currently replaying the game and I am choosing choices I never chose at first. In step 2 during the road trip arc, I decided to ask Cove about what he liked to see on people. One of his response was anklets and black eyes. My MC have just happens to have black eyes. Do Cove say black eyes cuz my mc have it or it was just a coincidently programmed into the game?

He uses your eye color intentionally! If you changed your eye color he’d change what he said.

Will step 4 have 10 moments like steps 1-3? 

Step 4 is only an epilogue. It plays like the openings/endings of the earlier Steps where it’s a bunch of scenes all in a row, there aren’t any individual Moments.

hi! who was/were the artist(s) for our life? 

&

who is the artist for Our Life: Beginning and Always?

Main Sprite and CG Artist: Addrossi

Main Background Artist: Vui Huynh

Main Interface Artist: Winter Slice

Other artists who helped out can be seen in the credits of the game.

In the new ol, there are two main love interests... Would it be possible to pair them together or is that weird? 

You can’t stay single and pair them together. If we are going to add all the extra content to have a route where the two LIs get together, it’d be a full poly route where them and the MC were all dating. And that’s not a for sure option yet because it’d add a lot of extra complications. But either way, in OL the relationships all gotta be about the MC, haha.

In OL2, there will be extra LIs in form of DLCs? Like Dexter and Baxter. 

Maybe! We’ll see how it goes.

Since Cove will have 2 diff body types in s4, will the storyline and dialogs reflect this? Or all of it will be the same? Btw love the game and sorry for bad english. Hope this doesn't sound rude 😅 

Some descriptions and pieces of dialog will change, but it won’t impact the story really. And you don’t need to apologize! It’s all good.

Will you ever release the transparent sprites of the Our Life characters? 

Probably not, I’m afraid. They’ve got a lot of pieces and it’d just be kind of hard to deal with, aha.

Something I was curious about, what was your inspiration for making a game with so much customization?

Initially, the idea was just about having a romance where you actually grew up with the LI. But it was pretty stressful to try deciding how fast the relationship would progress with it taking place over such a long period of time and with no real storyline carrying it. People might not wanna play a game where the characters don’t get along as kids, but other people might not bother with a game where kids immediately liked each other. So the obvious answer came, just let the player pick themselves how it goes. From there we simply continued to add more flexibly with the MC due to the same thought process of wanting to make sure people were onboard with how their life was going.

What made you decide to change the artstyle for ol 2 so much? I of course respect all your decisions and will buy the shit out of everything related to ol 2, but i love the original style and i m honestly not a fan of the styles shown on patreon, despite me liking the painterly style in general. (I don t mind the style being changed, just that the examples shown so far all feel like there s something wrong with them.) 

We’ve always used different art styles for each of our projects. They all have distinct looks from each other. It’s just nice to do something new. I’m glad you really like how the first game looks, though. And those samples were only general concepts, rather than the exact options being decided between. We wanted to see reactions to different options. The art style we’re going with won’t be exactly like those, though I personally like all of them. I think players are gonna enjoy the style Our Life: Now & Forever when it’s revealed.

Hey! Is it ok to ask what gender ourlife2 protagonist will be and if we'll be given the same opportunity to customize an MC? Totally understand if you're keeping this under wraps for now if u don't wanna say! 

OL2 will have the same type of MC customization as OL1, but even more refined! So their gender will be up to you.

Hi! I happened upon Our Life on Steam by pure chance. It is such a great game, I am super excited about the DLC, and I just want you all to know that you are awesome! :D I have a question, and I'm sorry if it's been asked before. Do you have plans of making more games similar to Our Life, with customizable player character? The customizable player character was probably the one thing I personally have been desperate for in romance VNs. So glad there finally is one and would love to see more.

Thank you! And yep, we do have plans for more games like Our Life, most notably is another game in the franchise- Our Life: Now & Forever. We’ll also likely have other, non-OL, games with customizable MCs, though we may still have some games with set MCs in the future as well.

On the patreon dlc just curious but is it possible to play it without actually sleeping together/getting the nsfw content? I just want to spend more time with Cove 

Yeah, you can still choose not to go that far. Though the event is shorter if you pass on the 18+ stuff.

At the beginning of Step 2, did Cove end up accidentally falling asleep in your bed? Or did he fall asleep on the floor? 

He fell asleep sitting on the floor with his body/head leaning against the side of the bed.

This may seem like a weird question, but what exactly is the difference between "direct" and "relaxed" on the comfort scale?

Direct is blunter and more teasing, relaxed is lighthearted and goes with the flow.

can the MC have tattoos in step 3? 

Not in Step 3, but you can in Step 4.

how would Cove react if he visited somewhere like North Carolina in winter where it can get in the 20s(F) at night sometimes? 

He would be shocked and unprepared for what serious coldness is really like, haha. The poor beach baby would wanna go home.

Hello! I just joined the PATREON!! It’s amazing! I love your games! I have a question, approximately how much after will the nsfw be out? After or before the dlc 3 and step four? Sorry my English isn’t the best!❤️❤️❤️ 

Thanks so much! The NSFW DLC will be out after the Step 3 DLC but before Step 4. And you don’t need to apologize for that ^^.

This might be obvious but, will step 4 have dlcs? Also, where will the nsfw dlc happen? Won't bother me at all if it s in in our or his house but i do think it d be moderately funny 

Step 4 will have the Cove Wedding DLC and the Derek and Baxter romance DLCs each add a lot of new content to Step 4, though they’re also partially set in Step 2 and Step 3 respectively. The NSFW DLC happens in Cove’s room.

I keep wondering what would've happened if Mr. Holden met Lizzie first instead of the MC. I can't see that turning out well somehow lol. 

It wouldn’t have made a difference. He met the MC’s parents first and they told him about their two kids. He wanted the MC specifically to be Cove’s friend because the two were the same age.

Even though we have a way to go I'm really excited for OL 2! I was curious though, is the next main character going to be adopted again? I thought it was really clever to make the first main character adopted so when players are customizing,  they can make them look how ever they like without worrying about pesky genetics. Just wondering! 

The OL2 MC is not adopted. We wanted to go for a new dynamic. Instead their parents are their biological single mother who is partially customizable and an off-screen sperm donor father. So the mom will look generally like the MC and any other traits not from her can be assumed to come from whoever the father was.

—– —– —–

Thank you so much for all the asks ^^

FAQ   If you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[shoichee]

Hi, congrats on 100!! Could I please request 27 for Kasamatsu? Thank you very much, and good luck on your finals! :D

Kasamatsu x Reader

27. “If we get caught I’m blaming you”

Word Count: 4416

prompt list here

Note: the Replace novel starring the Kaijō team was a HUGE inspiration for this, and dear anon who requested this, I hope you’re still around;; I’m sorry it took so long EEEEE But yes! I did okay on my finals anon! I hope you’re doing well too~

@knb-kreations

»»—————　☼　—————««

“If we get caught, I’m blaming you.”

“Look it’ll be quick… n-no one’s here as far as I know.”

“B-But…”

“J-Just… be quiet for a s-second, okay?”

“H-H-Huh?! Ah…”

Huh? Kise stopped himself before leaning closer to the edge of the building, slightly doubting his ears. Wasn’t that Senpai’s voice? With someone else…? Alone?

“Oh come on, why are you even block the wa—oh, ohhhhhh, are there any cute girls nearby?—”

“Shh,” Kise hissed, harshly waving his hand over Moriyama’s face to give a signal to stay quiet. “Listen…”

“A-Are you done, Kasamatsu-san…?”

“I-I-I… uh, just…um…”

Kise and Moriyama shared a look of shock… then registration… and finally a look of that spelled nothing but trouble. Immediately, they both simultaneously crouched to squat and share their “realizations” together in hushed whispers.

“Quick—when was the last time Senpai talked to anyone outside of basketball?”

“Hmmmmmm, certainly none of the girls I’ve tried to approach.”

“No, that’s obviously not what I meant!” Kise said, facepalming. “Anyone in your year that he’s been talking to? Maybe anyone in class?” Moriyama continued to hum in deep concentration before he lifted his index finger in a “eureka” moment.

“He’s been talking to (y/n)-san in the hallways recently!” he quietly exclaims, pounding his fist against his open palm to emphasize. “Though their conversations have sounded nothing remotely romantic. No charm, I say.” He struck a pose after to imply that he himself was the charismatic individual.

“.... Right,” he deadpanned, expecting nothing less from his quite… eccentric upperclassman. “Welp, now that we narrowed it down who he might be talking to, I don’t wanna spy on them… but I’m really curious if it’s really this (y/n)-san you mentioned.”

“Well,” Moriyama pouted with a grumble. “One peek wouldn’t hurt.”

“I guess you’re right…”

Kise cautiously scans his surroundings and gauges the situation “clear” to slowly peer from behind the corner of the building, where both of them had been seeking shelter from for the past several minutes. Moriyama follows suit, poking his head out just underneath Kise to see.

Kasamatsu’s back mostly covered your figure, but the view of what was happening did not slip by either Kaijō players’ eyes. He had his arms partially around your head while you were pressed up against his chest. You were gripping onto his loose blazer on his sides to presumably stabilize yourself while Kasamatsu was… fiddling with something on top of your hair? Even so, there’s no denying that the both of you were currently very, very physically close.

“Look… d-does it really take that long to take out petals from hair strands?” you mumbled, looking up at Kasamatsu’s face while trying not to move your head to avoid disrupting his “handiwork.” “I can do this myself....”

“W-W-Well, you can’t risk yourself being unkempt when you go back to class.” Kasamatsu gave a poor attempt at trying to lecture you, judging from his stammers and the way he slightly turns his head to the side to avoid your curious scrutiny. “It’s more thorough this… way. It’s the w-week where these blossoms fall rampantly… you have to be careful where you’re walking under…” In turning his face slightly towards Kise’s and Moriyama’s direction, his exposed flushed face puts the cherry blossom trees around them to shame.

So that’s what he was doing. Kise narrowed his eyes in pity at his captain, and Moriyama expressed a similar expression at Kasamatsu’s struggles. The poor captain’s hands were shaking non-stop. Not only that, he’s been darting his eyes everywhere since you’ve been gazing up at him from below. No wonder he’s been standing there unable to quickly pluck off the petals.

“Should we leave our captain alone to let him lead his own destiny?”

“What are you even talking about, Moriyama-se—”

“W-Whoa!! What a(l)e you [guys doing] he(l)e? Why a(l)e you sneaking a(l)ound (r)ike that?”

Kise and Moriyama instantly whip their heads behind in a panic, seeing a curious Hayakawa jogging up to be with his teammates, and the both instantly pounce on the poor rebound player to slap desperate hands over his mouth.

“Sh-Shhhhhhhhh!”

“Mrmpgh—?!! Lef—What [is going] on?”

“Hayakawa-senpai, please—just be quiet for a sec!”

The ruckus causes Kasamatsu and you to break out of the oddly intimate moment to face towards the direction of the sudden noises. After looking at each other questionably, albeit briefly and with stiff eye contact, there was an unspoken consensus for you two to investigate behind the corner of the building. Imagine both of you guys’ surprise when you two see a tangle of limbs between the Kaijō starter players. Kobori somehow arrived prior, separating poor Hayakawa from his two assailants.

“What… What the hell are you guys doing?!”

“Kasamatsu-senpai!! Is it t(l)ue [that you] and (y/n)-san a(l)e da—mrmf—!”

“Ahaha… we didn’t expect to see you here, Senpai~” Kise smiles with a slight grimace, hand still firm on Hayakawa’s mouth.

“It must be fate, yes surely!” Moriyama confidently speaks, flipping his fringe. Both Kise and Moriyama drop Hayakawa and straighten themselves up. “How else would we encounter such a situation as unique as this?”

“Why are you all here?” Kasamatsu sputters indignantly, but everyone (except you) saw how horrendously red his face was. You peek out from behind his back curiously, noting how Kasamatsu did a 180 in his personality compared to whenever he spoke with you.

“Kasamatsu-san… are they your teammates? You seem very close with them.”

“That’s—”

“Now, now, Kasamatsu-san… we’re only here because we were concerned where you went is all,” Kobori reassures a flustered captain. Kise only stares at him incredulously, but it seems that Kasamatsu, as usual, buys into Kobori’s naivete.

“I see…”

“Wow… the fact that your entire group came to look for you is very sweet of them,” you chime. “They really care for you, Kasamatsu-san…” When you elbow him at his ribs playfully, he immediately straightened himself like a plank.

“N-Nn.”

“Well… it’s almost time for class, so I have to go, see you all!”

“W-Wait, your… uh, hair, um—”

“I can get out the rest of the petals in the restroom, but thank you for trying! I’ll see you later!”

“R-Right…” He puts up his hand in a shy wave as you dash away, but he immediately drops it once you are out of the vicinity to hound on his teammates. “Were you watching this entire time? And stop with the looks—that’s creepy as hell!”

“Sooooooo…”

“Senpai, could it be that you and…”

“Kasamatsu-senpai! I’m (l)ooting fo(l) you!”

“N-N-No!!” he denies, ready to hold an iron fist to stop their antics, but Kobori gently holds onto his raised arm.

“Alright, let’s calm down a bit,” Kobori reasons with a placid smile. “I’m sure we’re all a bit curious because you hardly talk to anyone outside of basketball, right?”

“Kobori…”

“Have you heard of the prerequisites of the key elements of the blooming spring, Kasamatsu?” Moriyama asks, immediately drawing confused looks towards the 3rd-year.

“Moriyama-senpai, we have no clue what you’re talking about,” Kise says, asking the question that’s occupying everyone's mind.

“The key elements…! In the season of new birth, to enrich the experience, they are ‘hanami,’ ‘plums,’ and ‘spring cleaning!’ Of course, the prerequisite to these would be…”

“Please stop—”

“... to have a cute date.”

“... This is ridiculous,” Kasamatsu says irritatedly. “I’m going to class.” He immediately speed-walks to the adjacent building, leaving a scheming group behind.

“You know, if it’s true that he does like (y/n)-san, shouldn’t we help him? It’s the least we can do for our captain,” Kobori suggested.

“That sounds too troublesome,” Kise frowns, averting his gaze to also start to walk away, but Hayakawa immediately latches to his arm to pull him back.

“Don’t be (r)ike that! We have to do this as a team effo(l)t!”

“How did it become like this?!”

“Well…” Moriyama audibly ponders, stroking his chin. “If we make this successful for Kasamatsu, perhaps this can be a template for our own love lives! A sign that we will meet our fated ones this spring!”

“Yes, yes! Mo(l)iyama-senpai is abso(r)ute(r)y (l)ight!”

Oh god, Kise mentally sighs. What has he gotten himself into?

———

“Why are you guys surrounding me like that? Did you not hear me say that we have to change quickly? We can’t have the lockers for long today, considering that the janitor will come to do their routine clean-ups.”

“According to my online research,” Moriyama states, “this mint-scented deodorant will guarantee mutual attraction from the person you like.”

“Wha—?”

“Ignoring what Moriyama-senpai said,” Kise elaborates, scratching his head. “Is it really true that you like (y/n)-san? Otherwise, they’ll keep getting the wrong idea, senpai.”

Kasamatsu gapes like a fish, pulling his shirt collar as he starts to sweat and flush.

“Kise! Be a bit tactfu(r)! You do not unde(l)stand how to app(l)oach this!”

“What’s there to understand, Hayakawa-senpai!? It’s better to be direct about this, or otherwise we’ll be doing this for nothing!”

“Kise may be right,” Moriyama muses. “To be honest gives a feeling of a fresh start in the spring. Kasamatsu, you should follow this example and leave all the baggage behind to obtain a new start.” Kasamatsu could only stand there glued to his spot as his teammates continued to corner him, blocking any possible route to the locker exit.

“I… I…” he gulps. “Th—... that’s… I… like…” His voice dwindles to the softest whisper, but it easily resonates throughout the locker room, where the team had fallen silent in straining to hear and hang onto his every syllable.

“So you do like (y/n)-san,” Moriyama exclaimed, the first one to break the silence. “I see, I didn’t think they were your type.”

“H-Hey…?! Can you not say it like that!?”

“You can’t distort the truth, though. Anyways, you should chat with (y/n)-san nicely.”

“I already do!!” Kasamatsu half-shouts, but he immediately bows his head down shyly. “Wh-What’s a… good topic, you think… to talk to (y/n)-san…?”

“Huh? Just normal topics,” Kise replies, not sure what Kasamatsu meant by the question.

“What’s… normal?”

“Just talk to them like you’ve always done, senpai.”

“Y-Yes, but… h-how can I talk to hint that I l-l-l-like… never mind this is hopeless—”

“Ask them to come watch ou(l) next match [and have] (y/n)-san chee(l) fo(l) you!!”

“N-No! Anyone would run away from that!”

Their conversation was suddenly interrupted when the locker doors opened with a bang, with a very weary janitor standing with his equipment on standby. With a flurry of apologies to the janitor, Kasamatsu recovers himself and ushers everyone out before bidding him a good evening. Walking out of campus several minutes later in silence, Kobori breaks the silence.

“Why don’t we help you, Kasamatsu? Maybe through different methods you will find the best way to ask for a date. Perhaps asking for a cup of tea would be sufficient…?”

“I’m not gonna involve myself with this! No way in hell!”

“Senpai, so you’re just gonna wait and let it fester—u-uwah?!” Moriyama immediately sprays the mint-scented deodorant down Kise’s back to silence him before turning back to Kasamatsu with a straight face.

“What if someone else steals (y/n)-san away for their own elements of spring? After all, it is the perfect atmosphere for them to communicate with the person you like with pickup techniques, with high chances of success.”

“N-No way (y/n)-san would just go along with a random stranger!”

“Who knows? Maybe they’re more suave and have that particular charisma that they’re secretly weak to.”

“Moriyama-senpai, you might be going too far…”

“Kasamatsu, he’s right though, if you hang around (y/n)-san more, not only would you learn more about them, but you’ll protect them from potential unwanted people.” Kobori’s calm voice rang louder above the clamors of the starter players, and everyone immediately looked to Kasamatsu for his response. Kise mentally sighs at how Kobori always manages to misinterpret Moriyama’s words.

“Fine—but only to make sure (y/n)-san will be safe! Don’t get any funny ideas!”

———

Praise. Make them laugh. Praise. Make them laugh. Say something interesting. Say something interesting. Praise. Use a normal topic.

Kasamatsu stands at his usual spot, waiting for you to leave class and meet up with him after school. Only this time, his hands grow clammy, his thick brows deeply furrowed as he wills himself to stop shaking. His teammates spying on him from behind the hallway corner certainly wasn’t helping him either.

“I told you, there’s no way I’m gonna involve myself with this!”

“Come on, Kasamatsu,” Moriyama sighed, shaking the mint-scented deodorant on hand. “We talked about this yesterday. You agreed to this, remember?”

“It was to make sure no one weird bothers (y/n)-san! Why do I have to go along with this?!”

“So you’re fine if I hold (y/n)-san’s hand in the name of destiny…”

“To hell with that!—argh—you!”

Moriyama immediately sprayed the can on the captain’s neck, watching his spine jolt and jump before he was met with an intense glare.

“You’re the captain, right? Come on, you have to show us how it’s done. We all want to see the ways to push the boundaries of romance. Who would lead us if you don’t?”

“What kinda—”

“I ag(l)ee with Mo(l)iyama-senpai! Take the (r)ead, Kasamatsu-senpai!”

“Wouldn’t Kise be someone better to learn from if you wanted to learn how to hit on people?!”

“Senpai, I’ve never done such a thing in my entire life.”

“Kasamatsu, I’m sure Moriyama is just telling you how much we all admire and look up to you. Naturally, we want to see how our captain fares in these situations. Besides, as a team, if something happens, we’ll be there to cover up for you.”

“Well… if you put it like that Kobori… all I have to do is talk to (y/n)-san… right?”

“That’s the spi(l)it!”

“... Kasamatsu-san? Helloooooo…?”

You wave a hand repeatedly over his face, and he immediately blinks and flinches back when you pull him back to the present. He’d been standing still for the past five minutes.

“I-I-I-I…”

“Are you okay? You’re all tensed up… if something’s bothering you, wanna talk about it?”

“W-W-Well… wh-what’s… up.” Normal topic, normal topic.

“Well, nothing much really,” you say, smoothing out your blazer. “I got out the petals but barely made it to class in the nick of time!” You laugh at your own recollection, and he immediately flames a radiant flush.

“N-nn.”

“Is it me… or is our captain…. really, really stiff right now…”

“Shhh.”

You perk up at the noise and slightly tilt to the left of Kasamatsu to discern the source of the hushed whispers… only to spy a conspicuous group of basketball players. You merely raise a brow at your discovery, but you return your attention back to Kasamatsu before he notices your change in gaze. The Kaijō teammates were too busy shushing each other to notice your attention on them.

“Ah, yes! Kasamatsu-san, you just had your trigonometry test right? Those identities and proofs are always so difficult to remember… how do you think you did?”

“G-Good.”

“Wow, that was too quick of a response! I didn’t know you were that confident about it—obviously not a bad thing if you studied for it.”

“N-nn.” Come on, say something interesting. Interesting topic. Something you like. “U-U-Uh… w-weather…?”

“The weather…?” You look outside the window in confusion before you make a face of realization. “Oh! Like how’s the weather?”

“N-nn.”

“Well, it has been a bit windy with all those branches and leaves flying around, but I think it accompanies the refreshing atmosphere of spring very nicely, don’t you think?” You turn back to face Kasamatsu, who’s been slowly bowing his head down gradually more and more the entire time to avoid scrutiny.

“N-nn.”

“You’ve been… really quiet since lunch. I’m serious, if something happened… is there anything I can do to help?”

“Kasamatsu, take advantage of the elements of spring! The elements of spr—”

“Moriyama-senpai, shut… up…!”

“Hey—what are you—?”

“Wait!! Kise! Don’t push, [or else] we a(l)e gonna fa(r)(r)—!”

“Shit—”

Right on cue, the gradual leaning weight from the three players on Hayakawa at the bottom gave way, and everyone tumbled out smack dab into plain sight. Kobori was the only one who managed to break his fall and stayed behind the corner, holding onto Kise in a failed attempt to stop him from exposing his presence. Kasamatsu breaks out of his shy stupor and turns around to see awkward smiles and chuckles.

“Y-Y-You guys—?!”

“Ahaha… sorry Senpai… the floor was a bit… slippery?”

As Kasamatsu forgets about you in dropkicking Kise, you note how the other upperclassmen had their own little quirks in interacting with the captain. Seeing how assertive and gutsy he was compared to talking with you makes you feel unbelievably warm. Little did anyone know, you held a hand to your face as you turned away to let out a chortle before you collected yourself again.

“Ah, I guess I’ll be going now! Your practice will start soon right? I’m sure your friends were only waiting for you… Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Kasamatsu-san!”

“W-Wait—” Kasamatsu drops Kise from his collar before he turns to you, but in making eye contact he immediately loses courage again. “I-I-I… s-see… you.”

“Of course!” You give a close-eyed smile before you leave.

“You missed the opportunity to set up the atmosphere,” Moriyama sighs, staring wistfully at the mint-scented deodorant. “Was the mint scent not enough?”

“It was going fine until you crashed in!”

“Now, now, there’s always a next time…”

As the upperclassmen continue to bicker and banter (mostly one-sided from Kasamatsu’s end), Kise, who was dropped on the floor by Kasamatsu moments prior, silently stares at the direction you left. Did you leave because you knew how embarrassed Kasamatsu was from that incident?

———

For the next few days, Kasamatsu has been quite clipped with you, reduced to mere “nn’s” and “no’s” during your conversations, and Kise doesn’t know whether you’re just as oblivious as Kobori or whether you’re ignoring it to spare his remaining shreds of dignity. He mentally sighs at how oddly persistent Moriyama is about this even though the captain refused all of his ridiculous “suggestions” every time.

“I believe Moriyama is trying to help out Kasamatsu as a close friend,” Kobori had said, when Kise grumbled about his tenacity. “He just wants the best for him.”

Even so, Kise still heaves a sigh when he sees Moriyama and Hayakawa with an agitated Kasamatsu, knowing that whatever is going on won’t be smooth-sailing. He had no choice but to join them when Kobori sneaked up on him to sling an arm around his shoulders and called over the trio.

“Huh… what’s up with Kasamatsu-senpai?”

“Ou(l) captain is af(l)aid [because someone] da(l)ed to app(l)oach (y/n)-san (l)ight now!”

“Huh? Is that really a problem?” Kise shoots a tired look at the rebound player, but Moriyama solemnly sends a gaze to where he assumed was where you were at right now.

“I knew my online research would come in handy…! Someone also has the knowledge of taking advantage of the perfect atmosphere! Look at the intimacy shared between the two…! The undeniable auras exhibited by them, and elements of spring they embody together!”

“What the hell! No way!” Even through the denials, Kasamatsu looks visibly distressed about the possible “new revelations” between you and what looks to be a close companion of yours.

“I’m gonna have to agree with Senpai on this one, Moriyama-senpai.”

“(R)ook! They finished ta(r)king and (y/n)-san waved them [off with] a smi(r)e!” Kasamatsu whips his head at the speed of light to see you sending them off with the smile Hayakawa spoke of as your friend exits the campus gate. At his dilemma, Moriyama gently nudges his arm to encourage him to go talk to you.

“... According to my online research, talking under sunny weather with a fresh scent is the formula to having the desirable spring experience.”

“Oh shut up, will ya?” Kasamatsu mumbles half-heartedly, but he slowly walks in your direction before he stops to turn back. “You better not interrupt.”

“We [will be all] the way back he(l)e to suppo(l)t you!”

With a final sigh to expel his nerves, he gives a nervous smile to his teammates before coolly walking until you turn to face him once you hear his footsteps. Almost immediately though, his calmness easily dissipates into thin air once again, and his teammates only look on in dismay and worry from afar.

“Er…” Come on, just be direct. Talk normal.

“Kasamatsu-san?”

“Y-You were… d-datin—I mean t-talking, with… someone…”

“Oh, you saw? Yeah, I asked them to meet up with me here actually.”

“Is… that so?”

“Mmhm, I asked for their notes to compare to mine because I feel like I can’t get a hand on the subject sometimes.” Kasamatsu finally finds his voice for the first time in a while when the conversation finally re-enters familiar platonic territory.

“Was it… trigonometry? I did, um, do well on it last time, so…” Normal topics. Normal topics.

“I know,” you laugh. “You told me that a few days ago, remember?”

“W-W-Well…” He coughs to clear his throat and find his voice. “Y-You could’ve… a-a-asked—er…” You patiently wait for him to try to finish his sentence, and out of the corner of your eye you accidentally made eye contact with Kise from the distance.

Kise didn’t expect for you to notice the group even from a sizable distance away. He stayed still for a few seconds to make sure the shared eye contact wasn’t a fluke. Seeing how Kasamatsu was standing there like a statue again, he puts a flat hand next to his lips to discreetly mouth out:

He’s jealous.

To his surprise, you caught onto his cues, giving a subtle yet playful smile of your own before you carefully mouth out:

I know.

The others don’t seem to notice the secret exchange, all too focused on the poor captain bowing his head down out of extreme shyness. Kise doesn’t even know why he’s doing this, but perhaps Kobori was right that it’s only right for the team to help out their hardworking captain.

“Ah, Kasamatsu-san?”

“N-Nn?” He lifts his head up abruptly at the call of his name, and he turns red from mortification at the realization that he stood there like a dunce for the past several minutes. He doesn’t even have time to react to you stepping closer to him with an outstretched hand, and he stands motionless as you slightly fiddle with his cropped hair before you pull out a vivid cherry blossom petal.

“Remember what you told me?” you muse. “That ‘you can’t risk yourself being unkempt?’ After all, you’re right… it is the week where these blossoms fall rampantly… Must I also remind you to be careful where you’re walking under?”

At this point, Kasamatsu is sputtering like a broken engine, his mind barely functioning enough for him to think about putting a hand over his face in a desperate attempt to cover his frenzy.

“I, um, I…”

“Ah… can I ask you something first instead, Kasamatsu-san?” you gently interrupt him, and he flits his gaze back to you before staring at the ground again, and you took that as silent confirmation. “A-Are… are you free to go cherry blossom watching this weekend…?”

He snaps his head up in shock, only to see you slightly pink after that slight stutter in your question. It was your turn to avoid looking at his face.

“N-nn, I’m-I’m free.”

“Ah, that’s great…!” You muster your own courage to hold his clammy hands at his sides. “Can I ask to confirm if this is a romantic date between us?”

“Y-Yes,” he says in a hurry and you only laugh at his shyness. But his piercing eyes focus on your figure before he frees his hands from your loose clasp and reaches out to you, albeit with a slight shake in his hand still, before he clumsily takes out a petal from your hair. “It was… stuck.”

“See?” you shyly tease. “I knew it shouldn’t take you long to take out petals from hair.”

He completely lost his cool in front of you again.

You didn’t really care though… not when he looked absolutely endearing with the onslaught of petals settling on top of his head and shoulders to complement his flushed face.

———

Bonus:

“So are you two dating now?” Kise asks you. You both coincidentally met up at a hallway intersection the next week.

“Well, I think that’s a bit too fast,” you inwardly laugh. “You know how he is more than anyone.” Kise gives a light chuckle of his own before he asks you the question that’s been on his mind for a while.

“Hey (y/n)-senpai, how did you know Kasamatsu-senpai liked you?”

“Eh?”

“It was pretty clear from that time last week that you knew how he felt.”

“Ah… well, remember when he was… trying… to tidy up my hair? When you all spied on us?” you say, continuing when Kise gives a slightly sheepish nod. “It felt… different from how we normally talked. I’m sure he felt it harder than I did. I’ve always been nervous talking to him, but… seeing him so flustered and shy like that made me connect the dots, and then, I became more at ease and knew to be patient, realizing that he does hold a degree of feelings for me. I just didn’t know when was the right time for us to take it a step further.”

“I see. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“I must say, please send my thanks for the rest of the team. I think without you guys, this wouldn’t have happened as smoothly… or quickly.” At your words, Kise only sweatdrops as he remembers Moriyama’s antics, Hayakawa’s over-enthusiasm, and Kobori’s good-natured naivete.

“I’ll… send your regards to them.”

“... Why do you look so hesitant?”

———

End note: the cherry blossom falling season only occurs in the first to second week of April, which would conflict with the timeline of this scenario IRL. The Japanese new school year also coincides with this week, and as 3rd-years, Kasamatsu, Moriyama, Kobori, and the reader would be college freshmen instead. If I wrote it in terms of “last year” with the 3rd-years as 2nd-years, then Kise would still be in Teiko. So for convenience sake… ignore the “realism” in the setting for this :^)

[dramaqueeenamby]

𝙎𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝗈𝖿 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 | seven

Parings: CEO!Chris Hemsworth x Stripper!OC // Words: 7.8K // Type: Series // Taglist: Yes/No (Inbox me to be tagged or removed) Warnings: Sexual harassment, racial themes, discussions pertaining to child death, miscarriage, alcohol/drug use, and suicide attempts. Angst.

A/N: I'm so sorry for the inexcusable delay in updates. This chapter is hella long and perhaps should have been split into two, but I promised ya'll some answers in the last chapter, so here they are!

“What is that haircut?”

“Why are you zooming in?”

Kaya said nothing, continuing to pinch her fingers to gain a closer look, her smile widening by the second. “Holy shit, you weren’t kidding. “

Chris rolled his eyes. “All children go through phases.”

“This is beyond a phase, my friend. Don’t even get me started on the outfit.” As she erupted in yet another fit of giggles, he took advantage of the opportunity to snatch the iPad away from her.

“Go to sleep.”

Quieting herself down, she wiped at her eyes. “No. Come on. I’m enjoying this, and like you said, you were a dumb kid. How were you supposed to know these photos would haunt you till’ the end of time?”

“Only if they get out.”

“Don’t tempt me with a good time, sir.”

Chris closed the app and looked over at her. “What about you?”

Kaya’s brow lifted. “What about me?”

“What about your phases?”

She snorted. “Absolutely not.” He continued to stare her down, prompting her to cave, a surprising move even for her. Kaya’s tenacity was typically much stronger than that. “Fine.”

She grabbed her phone and unlocked it, opening Google Photos and scrolling mindlessly. She knew that any horrifically embarrassing snapshots would be from as far back as her library went. The older the photo, the higher the likelihood she would regret ever caving.

It took roughly two minutes for her to locate a set, her eyes shutting and a small moan leaving her partially closed mouth.

He smirked. “Found it?”

“Shut up.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“You’re going to make me regret this, aren’t you?”

“Without a doubt.”

She couldn’t help it. She laughed. “At least you’re honest.” Blowing out a breath, she issued a formal forewarning. “In my defense, I was young and dumb.”

“How is that diff—fine, I will reserve my judgment.”

“Liar.” When he said nothing else, she took another deep breath and gradually pulled her phone away from her breast, twisting her wrist so that he could see the screen. “I give you, thebaddestputa69.”

She watched the corner of his lips lift upward as he fought off a smile in favor of a smirk. “Hotmail or aol?” Her surprise at his knowledge of the fallen email servers must have shown because he commented, “I’m old, not ancient.”

She matched his smirk and leaned over to whisper. “Hotmail. Definitely hotmail.”

“AIM username?”

“Come on, the same as my email. I wasn’t creative enough to have multiple aliases.”

He chuckled, grabbing her phone to examine the photo. “I certainly do not miss the peace sign era.”

“I’m pretty sure I used that same pose in all of my photos back then.”

He gestured to the plastered graphic that read ‘jealousy is a disease, get well soon’. “With the same masterful level of editing, I’m sure.”

“But of course, blingee and picnik were a staple.”

A comfortable silence befell them as he returned her phone, and she quickly swiped up to close the app. Kaya was grateful that he didn’t swipe right or left, something she was expecting him to do, if she was being completely honest with herself.

Kaya yawned and naturally laid her head on his shoulder as she reached over to grab the book she was reading when they somehow got on the topic of rebellious and wild phases of days of past.

“Are we th—”

“Finish that sentence, and I will personally throw you out of this damn plane myself.”

Kaya looked over at him, eyebrows furrowed, and mouth pronounced. “It’s a legitimate question.”

“No, it was a legitimate question. However, it stopped being one when you asked me the fifth time.”

“I’m just trying to keep the conversation going. Damn.”

“No, you’re just trying to pester me.”

“Look, it’s obvious you don’t want to hear me talk anymore, so I’m just going to shut my mouth for the remainder of the flight.” He snorted. “What?”

“We both know that’s not possible.” He finally broke his gaze from his phone as he looked over with that knowing smirk that she despised. “You always have to have the last word.”

“That is not true.”

“Kaya, you’re like a child.”

“Keep it up, and you’ll be the one who’s personally tossed from this jet.”

“See what I mean.”

Groaning, she threw her hands up and shook the book in her right hand. “This is the second book in this series.”

“And?”

“And I started the series when we were still on the taxi.”

He shrugged. “Read slower.”

“Chris!”

He laughed, reaching to place his hand on her thigh as she sighed while banging her head back against the headrest. “Relax.”

“Don’t you think if I could, I would?”

“You were doing great five minutes ago.”

“That was in the past.”

“Next time, we’re taking separate jets.”

She didn’t know why but hearing him refer to future happenings both excited and saddened her, for more reasons than one. She cleared her throat. “This is a work trip, right?” He looked down at her as she placed the book down on the ground and held onto his bicep. “You know, something for your company.”

He studied her for a moment and looked up, closing his eyes as he laid his head back against the headrest. “I have the cover of this month’s GQ Italia.”

“Fancy,” she remarked, still unsatisfied with his answer-non answer. “So, I was right. This is a work thing.”

Chris thought about what she said, what she asked, as well as his response before he replied. “They offered to contract a photographer in LA.”

Brows scrunched, she had to ask, now more confused than she was just a few minutes ago. “So why go to them?”

His silence only irked her, the seconds dragging into minutes, which felt like hours. Frustrated and impatient, she called his name again. “Chris-”

“Jesus,” was all she heard before his lips were on hers, palm of his hand pressed against her cheek. Everything else after that was a sensual blur. His other hand moved to her hip, pulling her onto his lap, never once breaking their kiss. She placed her hands on his shoulders, giving a light squeeze, inching her body closer to his, close enough to feel the heat that always emanated over him.

And then, it was over.

Eyes fluttering and breath staggering, she nearly whined when he ran his thumb over her swollen bottom lip.

“This isn’t work for me.”

----

“This is our room?”

Chris looked up and chuckled, watching Kaya spin around the middle, eyes soaking in their suite. He placed her bag near the closet while crossing his arms and leaning against the wall.

“It is.”

Kaya nodded and grabbed the bottom of her sweatshirt, tugging it over her head. She extended her arm out and turned around, lifting a brow. “And we have maid service, correct?”

He eyed her. “Of course.”

Kaya smirked and let the garment fall to the floor.

Chris chuckled. “You wanna explain that?”

“What?” She played innocent, fingers toying with the waistband of her joggers as she began to shimmy out of them. “Staying in a fancy hotel where I don’t have t0 clean up after myself?” She walked toward him, moving to grab her suitcase so that she could find her next outfit. “Granted, we have the maid service at home, but—” Both Christopher and Kaya paused at her statement, equally surprised by how easily it flowed, but more so with the statement itself.

Defense immediately kicked in and Kaya cleared her throat. “I mean, ya know, your place.” She refused to make eye contact that exceeded ten seconds, grabbing the handle of her suitcase and dragging it in the direction of what looked like the bathroom.

“Dibs.”

Her feet weren’t moving fast enough for her liking. In fact, they were slow enough that Chris was somehow able to cross the room and grab her by her arm. She looked up, managing to remain calm while inwardly panicking.

God, please don’t let him ask anything.

“Don’t take too long.”

She swallowed. “Why?”

Her grip on the handle tightened when he moved his hand to her face, the back of it brushing against her cheek. Had he been paying close enough attention, he would have noticed the way she shivered at his touch.

“You want dinner, don’t you?”

-----

“This isn’t exactly what I meant.”

Kaya looked up from her pizza, pausing mid chew. “What? Pizza in Italy? This is goals.”

He intended to take her to a fine restaurant, one where only the elite could afford to dine. Instead, she requested pizza delivered to their room. Kaya never ceased to surprise him. “And why are you eating pizza with a fork?”

She shrugged, adjusting the thin strap of her shirt. “Because pizza is messy, and my life's already messy enough. I avoid when I can.”

Chris didn’t say anything, simply watching her eat. She caught his gaze and looked away. If she could, she’d go back in time and stop herself from ever saying what she did. It’d ruined everything. He’d been acting different around her since, and she hated that. She also hated that she hated it.

Since when did she give a flying fuck about what people thought of her? Let alone him.

It was out of character for her, and she didn’t like it.

She didn’t like it at all.

Similarly, Chris also found it difficult to focus on anything other than the encounter from earlier, but not for the reasons Kaya thought.

Not even close.

“So, what’s the agenda for this trip?”

He chuckled and brought the champagne to his lips. “And ruin the surprise?”

Her eyes narrowed as she replaced the fork with her fingers so that she could eat the crust piece by piece. “What surprise?”

“What kind of question is that? Who gives away a surprise?”

“Are you capable of ever just answering my questions with a straight answer?”

He pretended to think. “I could.”

“But?”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“You and fun? Never realized they were synonymous.”

“I’d like to think we have fun.”

“We have sex. Really, really, great sex.”

“You don’t consider that fun?”

“Fun isn’t a strong enough word to describe it.” He lifted a brow, and she scoffed, tossing a red pepper packet in his direction. “Stop it. I am trying to have a mature conversation here.”

“Not quite sure how possible that is when both parties are inebriated.”

“Bullshit. You know damn well neither one of us is drunk. You haven’t seen me drunk. Hell, I haven’t seen me drunk in a while.”

The way her tone changed toward the end of her sentence garnered his interest. “Why not?”

She looked at him, her smile faltering as she nervously cleared her throat. “I—uh—I get really bad migraines, and Excedrin is the only thing that works for me.” Telling him the truth, well, a fraction of the truth, felt strange yet relieving, probably because she’d spent so much of her life hiding and lying that the truth was unfamiliar territory. “Needless to say, meds and alcohol? Never really a good combo.”

“You’re drinking now.”

“I haven’t taken any medicine yet.”

“Maybe you won’t have to.”

She smiled sadly. “I will.” A beat. “It’s all I have.” Kaya snatched another piece of her crust and swallowed fully before explaining. “That’s why my sleep schedule, if you can even call it that, is so fucked up.”

He thought about it. “Excedrin has caffeine.”

“An insane amount.”

“It helps your migraines—”

“And keeps me up in return.” When he grew quiet, she offered. “Trust me. The insomnia is much better than the pain.”

“I’m sorry.”

She grimaced, eyes darting in either direction. “Why?”

He sighed and ran his hands all over his face. “That’s why you get so upset when I wake you up.”

“I wouldn’t say upset.”

“You threatened to slit my throat in my sleep.”

“Okay, maybe I was a little upset,” she confessed, and they shared a laugh before his tone grew serious again.

“I’ll be mindful of that.” Head tilted to the side, a sign she was still confused, he continued. “So that you can sleep.”

She smiled teasingly, abandoning the last bit of her food, and pushing her plate to the side. “Is that consideration I hear?”

“It is.”

The way he was looking at her, the lack of typical sarcasm in his tone, it was both welcoming and conflicting. Crawling across the floor, she moved his plate to the side and climbed into his lap.

Hands on his shoulders, she lowered her voice and whispered into his ear. “Well, I’m up right now.”

He made a sound and brought his hands to her hips. “You are.” Her eyes shut when his lips moved to her shoulder. “You should get some sleep.”

Immediately, she coiled back and glared. “Are you serious right now?” He laughed, which only upset her further as he stood up, her legs locking around his waist. “It’s been at least 8 hours.”

“You keeping a timer or something?”

“Look.” She waited for him to place her on the bed before she grabbed the bottom of his shirt and tugging so that he laid back on the mattress. She quickly climbed on top of him. “If there’s one thing I know about us, we are ideal intimate partners. Our sexual chemistry is astronomical.”

His eyes drank her in. “Is that it?”

“Is what it?”

His voice lowered. “Is that all you think we have?”

At that moment, Kaya realized a couple of things. This was wrong. She was suddenly very much uncomfortable. And this was a mistake. This was why she didn’t tell the truth. It meant putting yourself at risk for being vulnerable.

She was never good with that.

Clearing her throat, she climbed off him and flashed a crafty smile. “I’m gonna go shower.” She couldn’t handle seeing his face, so she turned around, purposely pretending she had to look around the room to search for her luggage.

“You should know I hate sleeping with blankets.” Kaya needed to redirect the conversation to another topic. This was becoming all too much for her.

He sat up and rolled his shoulders. “So, strip the bed? Got it.”

“Absolutely not. I could freeze.”

“You just said—”

Kaya stood by the door that led to the living room area and smiled sadly. “I’m a hot ass mess, Chris.” A beat. “The sooner you accept that, the better.”

-------

We need to talk when you get a chance. Please?

No matter how many times she looked at the phone, a new incoming gray message never appeared. She waited and waited, even scrolling up only for it to bounce back with no change.

She missed Nia. She missed their banter. She missed making tik toks with her. And she especially missed the advice giving, of which she could desperately use right about now.

Something was happening between them. With her and Chris. Of which she didn’t know, nor did she understand. It drove her mad because it was a new experience, one where she didn’t feel as though she always had to walk on eggshells.

Being with Chris….

“God.” She ran her hand over her face. What the hell was she doing? She wasn’t with Chris. Not like that, anyway. This was a business transaction. They were both using each other for selfish purposes.

Maybe it was the sex. Nia always warned her that behind every sexual encounter, there was at least some trace of feelings.

Kaya always thought that was bullshit.

Now….now she wasn’t so sure.

“You alright?”

She looked up from her chair and saw Chris walk in. She chewed the inside of her cheek as he sat down in the chair opposite of her. Kaya took in his wardrobe, so casual and laid back. She’d never seen him in denim before, but he looked good.

She didn’t even know the photographer, but she was a fan. A billionaire in Levi’s? Iconic.

“How does it feel to dress like us common folk?”

“Poor.” He winked as she glared. “We should be done soon.”

“Don’t rush on my part. The snacks here are delicious, and who knows, I could play dress up.” She wiggled her brows and straightened when there was a knock on the door.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the photographer spoke up and offered Kaya a friendly smile. “You’re Kaya, yes? I’m Elena.”

Kaya was surprised by the fact that this woman was both speaking to her and actually knew who she was, so her response was delayed. “Yes. It’s nice to meet you.” She offered her hand and noticed the woman was staring at her. Welp. It was nice while it lasted. “Is there something I can help you with?”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized but continued to stare. “It’s just...has anyone ever told you that you have amazing bone structure?”

Kaya sputtered. “Not unless they wanted something from me.”

Elena smiled. “Well, I suppose this is no different.”

“I don’t understand,” Kaya asked, looking over at Chris. He was surprisingly quiet.

“How about we get some shots of the both of you?”

She immediately protested. “Oh no. I—I’m just here for moral support.”

“You did say you wanted to play dress up,” he reminded. She glared. Of course he would choose to speak up now.

She turned her narrowed eyes on him and harshly whispered. “Not while being photographed.”

He placed his hand over hers. “Relax.”

Kaya remembered that they weren’t alone and therefore, had to keep up the act. Even if it was starting to feel less and less like acting.

“I’m used to people watching, not photographing.” He lifted a brow. Laughing, she slapped his chest and took a deep breath. She looked over at Elena. “Will I at least get to see them before you pick which ones to use? If any.”

“Of course.”

Kaya caved. “Fine.” He kissed the top of her head and mouthed a thank you. “You owe me.”

“Sure, I do,” he dismissed, slapping her on her ass as Elena grabbed her to drag her away.

“Time to make magic.”

-----

It was a bad idea, one of many that had occurred, Kaya realized.

When she joked about wanting to play dress—up, she didn’t think that it would actually happen. She didn’t think that she’d become involved in his shoot. Kaya especially didn’t expect to have as much….fun as she did.

And she hated that, too. The fact that she managed to smile and laugh more in one setting than she had in, hell, longer than she could remember. She didn’t like it. She didn’t like it at all.

She really, really didn’t like the way Chris looked at her every time she walked onto set in a new look, and there were a couple of them. The way he focused on her, eyes taking in every bit of her form, all the way down from her shoes up to her hair. Like he didn’t want to look away. Like he couldn’t look away. She despised the way he held her when they were photographed together, often being the reason for her smile or laughter with his comments that he whispered into her ear, sneaking in a kiss against her temple or holding her against him.

It was all so domestic and sweet, and it made no sense.

He was starting to make no sense.

And she especially didn’t understand why she was putting off leaving the bathroom, having sat on the toilet for at least 15 minutes.

As if on cue, two loud knocks on the door pulled her from her thoughts.

“I’m coming, damnit.”

“That’s what you said last time. Come on, Kaya.” She was both surprised and annoyed that it was Chris. She expected it to be members of the glam team that he’d hired to help her prepare for the GQ function he was invited to, and of course, she was forced to accompany him. Turns out he wasn’t just chosen for the cover. He was man of the year. “We’re going to be late.”

“Maybe you should just leave me behind,” she muttered.

“Maybe I can just kick this damn door down,” he countered.

“Then you’ll have to pay for the damages.”

“Then I’ll buy the damn hotel,” he shot back testily. “I’m not going to ask you again, Kaya.”

She scowled and rolled her neck. Kaya knew he was being serious. The bastard could buy his way out of anything.

If only….

Blowing out a deep breath, she swallowed and stood, holding up her dress. It was undoubtedly beautiful, gold, a slit in the middle of her chest and on her left leg exposing more skin than she would have thought appropriate. Her curls were styled in a fancy updo, and her makeup was equally as bold as her dress, finalized with a red lip. She knew that she looked good, and that’s what scared her.

Chris had been looking at her like that all day, and she couldn’t keep handling it.

If she could even consider it handling. Managing was perhaps a better term. Poorly managing was the perfect term.

Kaya ripped open the door and plastered on a fake smile. “Happy?”

And there it was, his eyes widened and softened as he gave her a onceover. “And don’t tell me I look beautiful, cause’ I already know it.”

Kaya figured if she said it for him, she wouldn’t have to deal with the weird and uncomfortable knotting in her stomach that she experienced every time he complimented her.

And it worked, he said nothing, only helping to hold up her dress as they walked to the SUV that would escort them. In the car, she was also pleasantly surprised that he didn’t attempt to make small talk with her during the drive. She was certain, however, that it was because he took at least three different work calls during that time.

She made drafted Tik Toks in the meantime.

When they finally arrived, Kaya nearly ran out of the car right then and there.

“Is that a red carpet?” Her mouth dropped. “What the hell? You said nothing about having to walk a damn carpet that is red.”

He chuckled. Kaya realized his hand was on the exposed portion of her thigh. “Stay close to me, and I’ll take care of you. You’ll be fine.”

Kaya was used to having eyes on her, but that didn’t mean she liked it, especially when it didn’t involve money being thrown her way. “I don’t have to say anything, do I?”

He squeezed her thigh. “You’ll most likely receive compliments.”

“I can handle that,” she spoke more to herself than him. “Just long as no one asks if I prefer cats over dogs or whatever shit they ask.”

He laughed quietly and looked at her. “You ready?”

No. “Yes.”

Chris climbed out the car first so that he could help her out of the vehicle, and as soon as she stepped out, she cursed to herself. There were so many damn people. People taking photographs. People being photographed. People helping both the people the photographed and the photographers. And then there was her. She felt so out of place.

If he wasn’t already holding her hand, she would have grabbed for his.

Kaya used her left hand to hold up her dress, while making sure that she stayed close to Chris who led the way, smiling for the camera while sparing her glances every so often to assess her level of comfort.

Kaya played along, evoking a smile as she posed with him for a few photos. That’s when it started again. Like the photoshoot from a few hours ago, she found herself feeling less forced and more comfortable. Like, it was natural.

Like it was real.

Kaya was eventually allowed to stand to the side as he gave a few interviews, some in English, most in Italian. She’d meant to ask him earlier when the hell he learned to speak so many languages. This was the third she’d learned of. She had a feeling at least one or two journalists asked about her, because he would look in her direction and shoot a wink or something of the sort.

Her smile was a natural reaction.

The process was less daunting than she anticipated, not that she’d ever admit that to him. It was once they moved inside that Kaya realized they’d yet to reach the hard part. That hardest part was “socializing” with the guests, many of which were white, spicy white at best. She spotted some minorities but found that they were just as distant as the rest.

The vim of the event was welcoming, however, which confused Kaya to some extent. She simplified it down to the event was nice, the people were trash, and Chris was both an ass and a gentleman for forcing her to come.

He’d introduced her to a few people, most of which spoke poor English. That, she could acknowledge, was nice. Not the strained English, but his obvious concern for her wellbeing. He was going out of his way to make her feel as comfortable as he could.

It was also irritating because it resurfaced those damn knots.

They were seated at a table, and he was texting someone when she leaned over and tugged on his sleeve. Kaya also took a moment to appreciate how nice he looked. The man was something sinful in a suit. “I think I know him.”

He looked up, immediately locking his phone. “Who?”

She gestured with her chin. “The guy over there talking to the girl with the green dress. But don’t look at them.”

His eyes lifted to the ceiling. Right before he proceeded to look right in that direction.

She laughed despite her irritation. “What did I literally just fucking say?”

“I’ll never understand why people want to do something without actually doing it. I don’t have the time.” She shook her head. He was so impatient. “And how do you know him?”

She lifted a brow. He asked with a newfound sense of urgency. If she didn’t know any better, she would have guessed it came from a place of jealousy.

Kaya studied the stranger across the room again when her eyes widened. “I know. He’s that actor from that porn movie we watched.”

“We don’t watch porn, Kaya. We make it.”

“Stop it.” She leaned closer, hating that her smile contrasted the frustration she felt with how vulgar he was speaking in such a public setting. “And you know the movie where they…..ya know, basically the whole time, and he kept asking in that godawful delivery, are you lost, baby girl?”

Her equally terrible impression caused him to laugh quietly. “I think that is him.”

“I told you.” She spoke a little louder than she would have liked due to her excitement at being correct. “He looks better on screen.”

Chris glanced over at him once more and scoffed. “He’s scrawny.”

“Sir, not everyone is like you and built like a fucking tanker.”

“Not my problem.”

Kaya rolled her eyes and gathered her dress. “I’ll be back. I have to use the restroom.” She stood and leaned over, arms around him from behind as she whispered. “Try not to be too much of a dick while I’m gone, okay?”

He turned to look at her. “And where’s the fun in that?”

Turns out finding the bathroom was a harder task than she’d anticipated. She’d asked one of the servers while maneuvering through the crowd, but it also turned out that Kaya wasn’t the best with directions. She did find it, though.

Eventually.

Kaya was navigating her way back to Chris when she was stopped by a man in a suit along the way.

He was of average height, average build, and average attraction. She was immediately annoyed.

“Hi,” Kaya greeted with a tight smile.

“Hello,” he smiled. Add in average dental health. “You are very beautiful.”

Kaya realized he didn’t have an accent, either. American, most likely. “Uhh, thank you.” When she moved to walk past him, he blocked her. “Sir, I really should—”

“How much?”

Her eyes darted to either side. “I’m sorry?”

“Money is no issue, as I’m sure you can see, and I’d like you for a week.” He stepped closer, bringing his hand to trail it down her arm. “Longer even, perhaps.”

“Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and please do not touch me.” It wasn’t so much of a request as much as it was a demand. “Now, I really should—”

“You’re not American.” Kaya continued to be confused as hell when his eyes lit up with excitement. “That explains why you look so exotic.” Confusion easily morphed into rage as she finally caught on to what he was referring to. “I bet you feel di—”

“You’re disgusting,” she hissed, pulling away from him. “I am not a fucking prostitute—”

“Call it what you want, girl,” he dismissed. “I don’t judge. I can pay you well.”

“Go fuck yourself, you sick son of a bitch,” she cursed, turning away when he grabbed her arm. “Let me go.”

“You think that you’re special?” He’d taken on another tone, one that conveyed his anger at being rejected. “The fuckin’ stall I just pissed in is worth more than you, bitch.”

Kaya refused to allow him to see her cry, but she’d be lying if she tried to say that his words didn’t sting, especially his next verbal attack.

“You can slap on that expensive dress and let Hemsworth make you feel special, but I know, you know, and everyone else in this fucking place knows that you’re nothing but a cheap, illegal whore—” Panic arose when he moved his hand to the exposed skin of her thigh, squeezing tightly. His hand started to inch upward when Kaya acted on instinct. He cursed aloud while Kaya gasped as she realized that she’d silenced him with her fist dead square in the middle of his face. “You fucking bitch!”

Shock and fear took over as Kaya gathered the bottom of her dress and ran, as much as the gown and her heels would allow, that is. Certain he was going to chase her for retribution, she consistently looked back, unaware that she needed to be just as aware of what was in front as what was behind.

She shrieked and immediately went to pull herself away from the strong body she’d collided with.

“Kaya.” Refocusing her attention, she looked up and realized it was Chris. “Where the hell—” He stopped amid his statement when he took in her appearance and realized that she was crying. “What happened?”

“Nothing.” Kaya looked down, speaking more to herself than him. Not that it mattered. He was judging based on what he saw instead of what she said. He’d learned by now that her words rarely matched the truth. “Let’s just go—”

“Kaya,” he repeated, softer. Chris brought his hands to her face, forcing her to meet his gaze as he asked again, slowly. “What happened?” A strike of anger flashed in his blue eyes. “Did someone touch you?”

“No,” she answered, quickly. Too quickly.

The anger escalated exponentially. “Who? Tell me.”

Kaya could have slapped herself. She wasn’t helping the situation. She was making it worse. “It doesn’t matter, I hit him, and now he’s probably going to sue you—”

“Where is he?” Chris was looking behind her, eyes flaming. He was livid. “Show me. Now.”

“No.” Speaking was becoming an increasing challenge, especially against the backdrop of overwhelming emotions. Everything she’d been feeling, preventing herself from feeling, and afraid to acknowledge was gradually bubbling to the surface. “Just—just let me go back to the hotel. I’m messing everything up for you.”

He calmed for a second, realizing what was happening. Chris was unfamiliar with this side of her. Unfamiliar with seeing her so vulnerable. “What?”

Kaya suddenly realized that her eyes were burning again. She was fighting back tears. “I’ll give you back the money for the day, it’s—it’s fine, you’re better off without me here—”

Her offer to pay him incensed Chris. This wasn’t about the money. It stopped being about the money a long time ago, even if he hadn’t realized that until today. “I don’t want the fucking money, Kaya.”

She shook her head and closed her eyes. “Don’t—don’t say that.”

“Why? It’s the truth.”

“Please,” she plead. Control over her emotions was a battle she’d all but lost at that point. Her words, she was certain, would be next.

He raised his voice. Chris sensed, saw that she was uncomfortable, but he also realized that this was what she needed. A push. “Why?”

“Because this all about the fucking money, okay?” She matched his volume, accepting that her tears were going to fall no matter how much she willed them not to. She’d lost the war. “It has to be about the money, because if it isn’t then that means you care, and—you can’t, alright?”

He studied her, wondering if she realized this conversation was difficult for him too. He brought his hand to the side of her face. “Why is it so impossible for you to accept that I fucking care about you?”

She looked up, glistening eyes and wavering voice. “Because then I have to admit that I care about you too, and I can’t do that.” She spoke to herself, as if vocalizing it would cement a decision that was already out of her hands. “I won’t do it.”

“Why?” He pressed. Chris brought his other hand to the other side of her face, cupping it and moving closer. He gave zero fucks about where they were and who could have possibly overheard. “Why are you fighting this so hard?”

She pulled herself away from him, back colliding against the wall as she blurted, “because all I do is hurt the people I care about alright?” In that moment, Kaya realized she was so far gone that the point of return was no longer an option. Her mouth trembled as she struggled to form her next sentence, listing off names with her fingers as props. “Mami, Papi, Nia. Hell, my own brother is dead because of me.” A beat. “I’ll only hurt you, and I care about you too much to do that.”

“Kaya—"

A newfound heaviness started to weigh upon her chest, another blockade to her speech. “I’m standing here in a dress I can’t afford, a building I can’t even fucking pronounce, and with a man I don’t deserve.”

His voice lowered. “Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I don’t deserve you?” Kaya looked at him, her eyes softening before she squinted, her face scrunching up in obvious pain.

He took note of this. As invested as Chris was in finally getting Kaya to open up about how she really felt, her wellbeing would always be his primary concern.

“Kaya.” He placed his hands on her waist, steadying her. “What’s wrong?”

“I—” She blinked several times, blinding lights obscuring her vision. “I—can’t—" Kaya felt the firmness of his chest, inhaled the scent of his cologne, and heard her name on his lips before everything faded to black.

-----

She awoke on her side, body clutched against a pillow, and a thin sheet covering half her body. Never one to take her time returning to her senses, she forced herself to sit up, eyes still scrunched from the sleep.

Looking down she realized she was dressed in only one of Chris’s dress shirts, her dress discarded.

Memory returned as Kaya replayed the events that transpired prior to her slumber. The photoshoot. The party. The asshole.

Chris.

“I don’t care. Tell them to send it in the mail or something.”

She recognized his voice traveling from the living room area, prompting her to swing her legs over the bed, her toes submerging into the soft carpet. She’d never been in such a fine hotel where the carpeting probably cost more than six months’ worth of rent on her one-bedroom apartment.

“Evans, I don’t give a flying fuck about any of that right now. You can handle it. I don’t care.”

Kaya contemplated remaining where she was, eavesdropping without being detected. She quickly decided against it. She’d done enough.

Her feet carried her out of the room, and she stood in the doorway where she saw he was standing against the massive window that provided a breathtaking overview of the city.

Again, she considered leaving him be, but he either had exceptional peripheral vision or caught her reflection in the window because he spun around. Kaya’s eyebrows furrowed when she realized he was still dressed in his suit, with the expectation of the jacket and dress shirt which were both discarded, leaving the white undershirt.

Uncomfortable with the way he was looking at her, more concern than that, she settled onto the sofa, pulling a decorative pillow to her chest as she crossed her legs.

“I have to go,” he spoke briefly before pulling the phone from his ear and hanging up.

Kaya swallowed. He’d yet to speak, so she took the opportunity to do so. “Still don’t believe me when I said I’m a hot mess?”

“What happened tonight, Kaya?”

“Which part?” She knew that playing coy wasn’t the best route, but she was forever stubborn and would fight until she had nothing left. “Where I ruined your evening, assaulted a millionaire, told you one of my deepest secrets, or fainted in your arms? There’s a lot.”

“All of it.”

She looked away and licked her lips. Kaya felt cornered, absolutely trapped. Emotionally. She’d always assumed being physically stuck would feel far more suffocating and frightening. She was wrong.

Kaya considered her options, though far and few in between. She could deflect. She was a master at that. She could redirect blame onto him. Call him out on even making her go on the trip, for not telling her ahead of time what to expect, maybe throw in a few insults. And lastly, the most frightening of them all, she could be honest.

That was the scariest of them all.

“I lied to you.” The words spilled out before she realized it, but Kaya accepted the fact that she was tired. There was only so much she could carry, and she’d reached her limits. “My—my parents aren’t dead. They still live in the same house in Parlier that I grew up in with Denes. He’s—he was my brother.” It felt strange talking about, verbalizing what she’d quietly struggled with for so many years. And yet, there was a peace that accompanied the release. “He was such a beautiful little boy, but….different. He didn’t talk much, life skills were….hard for him, and he had these fixations on certain things. He didn’t like change.”

“Kaya, you don’t—”

“When I was eleven, and he was eight, my parents found out they were pregnant. They’d been trying for so long….they were so happy.” She roughly wiped at her face to do away with the silent tears that fell. The crying, however, was inevitable. “One day, they had a checkup appointment, and the babysitter fell through, so they asked me to watch Denes.” She nodded slowly, reverting to the same rush of emotions she felt that day. “I was so….mad, because my friend had just gotten Guitar Hero, and I was supposed to walk down to her house so we could play it.” To that day, Kaya felt a strong surge of rage whenever she ran across a throwback picture or read an article referring to that game. It was a trigger.

“My parents promised that I could go when they returned, but I just couldn’t wait.” Her nose turned up with disgust, disgust directed 100% inward. “I just had to go play that stupid fucking game.”

“Denes loved birds. They were one of his fixations. They think—they think he saw one outside our living room window or something and walked outside to see if he could catch it because, of course, I forgot to lock the front door.” She stared off into space before closing her eyes. “I had just walked into my friend’s house when I heard someone scream like I’ve never heard a scream before.” Kaya tugged the pillow closer to her chest and lowered her head. “I ran back so fast because I thought—I thought I could help him. I thought I could save him.” Her voice cracked. “—But there was so much blood, and he was so hurt—he died in the middle of the street, bleeding, terrified, and it was all my fault.”

Chris closed his eyes and shook his head. “Kaya—”

“They never found the driver,” she added quietly, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “The shock of it all……it was too much for my mom, and she miscarried.” Kaya laughed, but there wasn’t a trace of humor. “I spiraled after Denes passed. Everything bad and terrible I could get myself into, I did. I—I skipped class, I partied, I drank, I tried drugs.” She scoffed. “I lost my virginity when I was thirteen to some guy whose name I still don’t know because I was so drunk.” She leaned back into the sofa, staring at the intricate pattern of the rug. “I just—at the time, I thought if I did enough, I could make my parents hate me, because it’s what I deserved. But for everything I tried, they kept giving me chance after chance.”

“So, then I attempted suicide, twice, and I couldn’t even do that right.” She groaned and wiped at her eyes again. The cuffs of the shirt were nearly soaked. “I realized that God or the universe or whomever clearly wanted me to suffer and to live with my guilt, but in the midst of trying to punish myself, I failed to realize that all I’d done was cause my parents more pain.”

“Day of my high school graduation, I woke up at the crack of dawn to pack up my bags, told my parents that I was going out with some friends, but I’d be home by 7—and I haven’t seen or spoken with them since.”

She clapped and lifted her hands. “And there you have it. You’ve now seen me naked; you’ve seen me cry, and now you know that I’m a murderer—”

“You’re not a murderer, Kaya,” he was finally able to complete his sentence, still very much in shock over what she’d disclosed. “And what happened to your brother wasn’t your fault.”

Chris watched her demeanor soften, shifting from her previous facetious tone to a more somber tone. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“I’m saying it because it’s the truth. You were a child.”

She shrugged sadly. “So was he.”

“That still doesn’t make it your fault.”

She turned away from where he sat across from her. She hadn’t even realized he’d moved from his initial position by the window. Untangling her legs, she moved the pillow to the side and stood in front of him. “Why are you so nice to me? You should be running for the hills.”

Chris brought his hands to her waist and pulled her in between his spread legs. “Why do you keep asking questions you already know the answers to?”

“Even after everything I’ve done?” She whispered, emotion betraying her for the umpteenth time that day. “You—you still—you still feel….like that about me?”

“You’re stubborn, impulsive, argumentative, flippant, and undoubtedly one of the most complicated women I’ve ever met.” He slowly stood up, never once breaking eye contact as he cupped her face, fingers brushing away the dampness of her flushed cheeks. “And yet, seeing you smile is the highlight of my day.”

She chuckled and nervously cleared her throat. “So, was today subpar? Like, medium light? Half-light? It all went downhill after 12pm.”

He shook his head and kissed her forehead. “You are, in fact, a hot mess.”

Her fingers grasped at his sleeves. “I really am sorry about ruining your evening.”

“You didn’t ruin my evening, Kaya.” He brought his hand to her hair, pushing back the tendrils that had fallen from her updo. “Thank you for opening to me. I know that wasn’t easy.”

“It’s a lot easier opening up my legs,” she muttered, watching as he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry—you’re right. It’s—it’s not easy, and I don’t like talking about….feelings.” Her eyes lifted as she chewed on her bottom lip. “But, I do have feelings for you.” She shut her eyes and licked her top lip. “And there’s something else I need to tell you.”

His gaze softened. “Anything.”

It was so simple, the opportunity was available, the setting was perfect. She’d already told him the hardest part, now all she had to do was tell him the rest. The problem though, was that what she’d shared hadn’t changed much. It only helped him to understand her better. It would potentially improve their relationship.

This would destroy it.

She cleared her throat again. “If you tell anyone I’m capable of crying, I will smother you in your sleep.”

He chuckled and kissed her temple. “It’s late. I’m going to shower.” He studied her. “Try not to get into any more trouble, yeah?”

She smiled softly. “I make no promises.”

He gave her side a gentle squeeze before yawning as he walked back into the bedroom. Finally alone, she fell back onto the sofa and hugged the pillow against her body. Kaya felt both disgust and frustration. If there was a perfect moment to tell him, that was it, and now it was gone.

She was running out of time

-------

TAGS: @islandvamp @toni9 @destinyg237 @tashawar @valkryienymph @letsshamelessqueen-m @missyperle @kpizzletrash @brittyevans @mani-lifes @amorestevens @periodtcevans @hello-therree @shegoesbyarose @lettytheletdown @yanniebunnie @iwrite4poc @nycoledon @fangurlingismyforte @babe-im-bi @amirra88 @cocoamoonmalfoy @goldenrosexx @liquorlaughslove @ljstraightnochaser @jurneesjourney @bestyums-ever84 @notacamelthatsmywife @champagnesugamama @cest-la69vie @yanniebunny5151 @goldenrosexx​

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[nbrook29]

Okay it seems like they’re gone for the time being so 👀

Part 2&3 of Sander in NYC ‘verse ⬇️

The clock strikes midnight on his bedside table while Robbe is stretched on his bed, head propped on his hand as he’s staring at his computer screen, weariness coursing through his body. He stifles a big yawn and tries to blink the sleep away, but it doesn’t do much to erase the feeling of what seems to be yet another longest day he’s had. Wiggling his butt to find a more comfortable position, he reaches for his phone and opens instagram to kill time. After scrolling for a few minutes he gives up, the app failing to distract him from his heavy thoughts and only making him more irritated in the process.

He tosses the phone on the mattress with frustration, sighing deeply. Staring mindlessly at the ceiling doesn’t make the clock tick any faster so he allows himself to close his eyes.

Just for a little, just for a moment. Long enough so he can pretend he can feel a dip in the mattress and that there’s a certain someone lying by his side, only mere millimeters separating their bodies instead of 5,870 kilometers.

In the end, it makes him feel even worse than he has the whole day. Because there is no one next to him when his fingers venture out tentatively, grazing the sheets on the side of the bed that has been Sander’s since that November night.

The memory makes him smile a little, albeit involuntarily. But how can he not when he remembers the boy’s pouty face, petulance in his voice when he refused to sleep on the left side, stubborn like a bratty five-year-old, and Robbe would have laughed at his expression if he hadn’t been gazing at him like a fool in love the entire night. So he of course granted him HIS own preferred side, getting an abundance of kisses all over his face in gratitude and tickles that almost woke the whole house up.

In the end, it didn’t matter. Not then, and not many times later. What’s the point of choosing sides when most of the time they would sleep on each other’s chest anyway, head tucked in the crook of the other’s neck, nose squished into the underside of the jaw despite the tickling sensation of barely there stubble? Or, during other nights, curled into each other in spooning position, no space between them.

The incoming messenger call rudely disrupts his musings, preventing him from almost falling asleep, and he pushes himself up a bit and scrubs his face, fingers running quickly through his hair to make it look at least a little more presentable.

The face that greets him after he answers the call makes his eyes sting but he blames it on exhaustion.

“Hey, cutie.”

Beautiful. He looks so beautiful. Hair in disarray, cheeks rosy and he’s positively glowing, grinning at him with the same adoration and love he always has and Robbe’s heart is bursting with how much it hurts not to be able to cup his cheek right now.

They haven’t talked since last Thursday, both of them so busy with college work. The fact that there are 6 hours between them isn’t exactly helping. They have been messaging back and forth a lot, but it wasn’t the same.

Lately, Robbe has been feeling like a crucial part of him was ripped off and boarded the plane to New York along with Sander. It’s been a struggle without him here and not letting Sander notice how much he's hurting has been a struggle on its own.

“You’re okay?”

Robbe must’ve been staring without a word for longer than he thought because when he focuses properly he notices a small frown on Sander’s forehead.

He plasters a fake smile on his face. “Yeah! Sorry, just tired.”

He shrugs in hopes it will help to sell his cheeriness better, but the way Sander regards him with concern makes him doubt it.

“Robbe…”

Cutting him off quickly, he starts rambling. “So how was that school trip yesterday, huh? Still not bored of MoMA? I mean, you’ve been there like a hundred times by now,” Robbe ends on a teasing note, eyebrows wiggling for a better effect, anything to not let him notice he’s not okay.

It works, Sander’s face partially offended, partially scandalized at such outrageous suggestion, and he breathes out with relief.

“Excuse me, skater boy, some of us have enough taste to appreciate modern art for its greatness-”

“Yeah, art nerds.”

Sander’s jaw drops comically at his triumphant expression. “Oh my god, you’re such a brat!” He shakes his head in faux-disapproval, but the smile doesn’t disappear from his eyes as he easily gets into their usual banter. “Wish I was there to snog you into submission,” he adds, chuckling, unaware of the turmoil inside Robbe, who’s trying to hold on for dear life, blinking the tears away.

This time though, his smile fails to be convincing enough. Sander’s laughter dies out, his eyes searching Robbe’s for answers.

“Baby, what’s going on?”

Robbe squeezes his lips together to keep the emotions at bay and lowers his eyes so Sander couldn’t read him like an open book. He squirms on the bed, trying to give himself time so make sure his voice won’t quiver and that he can sell this thing.

“Nothing.”

“But that’s not true, I can see that.” He’s speaking so gentle, so soothingly.

It doesn’t make him raise his head, eyes still glued to the mattress as he’s twisting his fingers hoping Sander will just let it go.

Cause he doesn’t want him to know. That he’s a mess. That he’s not doing that good.

He doesn’t need to know he’s been watching his wandelingen videos on repeat. That he misses him so much he created a TikTok account to ‘stalk’ his new classmates accounts to catch a glimpse of him laughing and having fun when they’re hanging out, having picnics in Central Park despite low temperatures or drinking coffee and acting like dumbasses at Union Square.

He doesn’t need to know the reality hit Robbe hard and that he’s not the best at coping.

That he’s anxious because the texts between them aren’t as frequent as they used to be in the beginning.

That he had a serious fallout with Jens after already losing touch with Moyo and Aaron.

That he feels lonely.

And that’s missing him like a limb.

He doesn’t want him to know because Sander’s going to worry about him and that’s not why he went away to New York for five months. Correction, six months.

Yeah, that lovely update didn’t exactly make his mood lift when he found out a week ago about Sander having to extend his stay to be able to participate in the February art show his school holds.

There’s still three and a half months before he can bury his face in the crook of his neck and taste his lips. Touch is Robbe's love language so to say he misses the way Sander's hands feel on him would be an understatement of the year. And they both know by now Sander’s not coming back for Christmas despite his promise he’ll try.

“Please talk to me, please, baby.”

One shaky breath after another and Robbe feels wetness on his cheeks, mortification filing him when he realizes it’s tears, and Sander now has a clear view of the situation.

Still, he tries to deflect one more time, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve surreptitiously.

“It’s nothing, really… I’m okay, just miss you.” Another unconvincing smile.

He knows Sander is watching him like a hawk, confused and worried, he can feel it without even lifting his eyes to the screen. When he peaks just for a moment, he sees the desperate look on his face.

“I miss you too, so much, you have no idea,” he pauses, shifting closer to the screen like he wants to physically be closer to him, somehow. “But I know that’s not all, so please tell me what’s wrong so I can help you. Did something happen? Is your mom okay?”

Robbe nods because thankfully, everything has been going smoothly in that area. His mom’s been doing better than he could have hoped for, actually.

“Then what is it?” he keeps pressing, stubbornly, adamant to figure it out, but Robbe really doesn’t feel like talking about it.

“Look, it’s not a big deal, I just had a rough few days, okay? Can we talk about something else?” he pleads, but to no avail.

“No, we can’t because I don’t understand why you don’t want me to help you, Robbe.”

There’s a hint of annoyance in his voice, the confusion getting to him, and Robbe feels even worse, curling a little into himself.

“I just- I don’t wanna bother you-”

“What?” Sander sounds stunned. “Bother me- what the hell?”

“I just want you to have fun there, I’m gonna be fine.”

When Robbe glances back at the screen, he’s met with Sander’s eyes boring holes into him, quietly assessing him, and he knows it’s far from over.

But he’s just so tired. With this week, and his school work, with his emotional state and lonely nights. He’s just really tired.

On the screen, Sander sighs, scrubbing his face with his hand, his silver ring glinting in the computer light. A while passes before he finally speaks, quietly, looking back at him.

“You know, I feel like you think our skype calls are like chores for me that I keep in my calendar and can’t wait to tick off and be done with.”

Robbe opens his mouth, but no words come out, his sleep-fogged brain taking its time to sort through Sander’s word.

“Wow, you really think that?” Robbe hates himself for the hurt lacing Sander’s words. “You really think I don’t miss you? That I don’t count days until I can see you again for real, are you serious, Robbe?”

“Don’t get mad at me,” he asks in a small voice, biting his lip to keep it from wobbling.

“I’m not-”, Sander cuts off, lacing his fingers on the back of his lowered head, clearly frustrated and at loss of what to say next. “I just thought we were honest with each other, that we were communicating.”

The comment stings, even if it wasn’t meant to, and Robbe swallows the bile rising in his throat. Sander’s disappointed, he can see that, but he’s honestly not in the right state of mind right now for long talks about his feelings and insecurities.

“I should go.”

Sander's head shots right up at that. "Robbe, wait-"

"Don't worry about me." He sends him a forced smile before shutting his laptop and pushing it away from himself, breathing shakily as he hides his face in his hands.

Several notifications ping on his phone, but he ignores them all, knowing they're from Sander.

It's funny how this morning he thought he couldn't feel worse.

***

Friday 6:20 pm EST from Sander

Please pick up so we can talk

Or text me

Robbe?

I'm so worried

Friday 6:45 pm EST from Sander

I love you okay? ❤

Friday 8:03 pm EST from Sander

It's 2 am at yours so I hope you're asleep but I just need you to know that I love you and whatever it is you're going through we'll deal with it together okay?

Friday 8:07 pm EST from Sander

I think about you everyday and I miss you everyday

And it doesn't matter my trip here was supposed to be fun or whatever

I'm still your boyfriend and me being away doesn't change the fact that I want to be there for you

You should know that by now

You're not some kind of duty for me, it breaks my heart you'd think that

Your problems matter to me

I'm here, always, remember?

Please text me when you wake up ❤

Ik zie u graag Robin ❤❤❤😘

[subtext-bycalvinklein]

Soooo... I have realised no one mentioned this tibdit of information and I feel it's Very Important for the sake of fanfic, so I'm here to bring y'all what a few hours of very focused research after ep 9 of the gifted graduation dropped brought me.

And there's no better place to post this than my tinhatting corner, isn't there?

So. I know we've all read about That Song. We've all read the translation and it's been life changing to see the way the whole scene is shot like a romcom, and how well the song fits the theme of the scene, but my tinhatting brain couldn't stop there. I had to notice that both Pang and Wave sing some parts of the song. Wave does it in the beginning, before Pang comes in, and Pang does so once he's sitting with the earbud on. And, right there and then, the urge to know which part of the song they were singing about came to me. I was especially interested in knowing what Pang was singing, because he's just singing it under his breath, and he does this weird thingy where he's singing the last word, looks at Wave, and then smiles this small smile as he looks away. Which is already... Como se dice,,, pretty romcom-y of them, and I have questions to Nanon about his soft heart eyes and to the screenwriters about their stage directions, but like... It's chill. It's cool.

It gets progressively less cool as one goes to read the parts they were singing.

Let's start with explaining the instruments I used (and, while we're here, let's thank Vale who helped me find all this stuff, she's an angel), bc as a firm believer of science I need to explain my method in case anyone wants to repeat my mistakes: first of all, this is the lyrics sheet I've used for translation. I've put it in this app, which is super useful in that it gives you the translation for every single word and their transliteration, which is extremely important for those of us (me) who don't understand Thai alphabet. To make sure I was using the right lyrics, I've used this version of the song to follow along to, and then, once I was confident I put on the right lyrics, I started to follow along with the episode. And it was... An interesting experience, to say the least.

So. What were they singing, and why do I feel like it's so relevant I had to make a post about it?

Let's start with Wave.

First, he sings this line:

The translation of the sentence is a bit messy, but it corresponds to "there may be times where we meet someone new". That's... Honestly kinda irrelevant to the whole Pangwave business because, well. There's no new people involved? But after that, it kinda gets interesting.

Then, he sings:

The translation for this one according to Google translate should be "but we still have our hearts not afraid" which... Doesn't make much sense to me unless we translate it as "but we still have (keep) each others' heart, don't be afraid" (or maybe "but our hearts are still not afraid", but that seems like too much of a stretch to me), but I'm not sure if I'm just misconstruing stuff, so please feel free to correct me. Now THIS sounds like a sentiment Wave, the guy who's listening to a love song after a fight with his "friend" while drinking his absent friend tea, could relate to.

The final part we hear Wave sing along to is this one:

(Note: I've crossed out the part that Wave doesn't sing because it was part of that same verse)

This one is the trickiest to translate, as Wave gets interrupted mid-phrase, but it's basically the bridge of the song. According to Google translate, we should translate it as: "What I want is keep us always watching / if we accidentally forget-". I guess it could be "what I want is for us to keep being careful [with our hearts] / if we accidentally forget to [...]"

So, all in all it's pretty clear it's a song about two lovers who are momentarily separated, but despite that, still enamoured with each other. Pretty fitting for Pangwave's situation, right? But what really, truly, absolutely made me lose sleep it's not the fact that Wave chose this song, or which parts he chose to sing of it, but what Pang sings. Did I have an inkling before researching the exact line he sings, that it would devastate me? Yes. But did I know how much? Absolutely not.

Here, this is the line Pang sings under his breath:

Once again, Google translate tells us this means "always take care and keep your heart", which is more of less something romcom-y but not romcom-y enough to make me go as feral as I actually went. You want to know what made me actually want to ask a few questions to anyone involved with the scene? It's the fact that the one word Pang murmurs under his breath while looking at Wave, the one word he sings, and then SMILES AND LOOKS AWAY FROM WAVE? it's. This one.

I urge you to look for it yourselves if you don't believe me, but I can assure you I've watched it enough times to be very sure, and I'm still asking myself how is it possible that Pang sings a word which means "heart", "sweetheart" and "beloved one" while looking at Wave and then. He looks away. Like. I just wanna know what was the idea behind this whole scene, because to me it just looks like Pang accidentally on purpose called Wave sweetheart and then realised and got nervous about it.

So, yeah. That's all, and if y'all needed an excuse to make Pang use pet names for Wave in fics, here it is: it's basically canon.

[the-starset-system]

Do you got any ideas for increasing communication? I really wanna talk to my system but it's so hard :(

I could just give you the common advice but you can find all of that with a quick Google search. Lemme give you some stuff that's personally helped us:

GET OUTTA mY RoOm IM PLAyiNG MINECRAF

Lmao I couldn't resist, but yee, Minecraft has actually helped us communicate more than anything. It gives everyone creative freedom and with mechanics like signs and books it's easy to leave notes within the game. The littles adore it too :D

I actually have a lot to say about playing as a system on Minecraft, so I might make a separate post if any of you want to hear. I'll probably be discussing how it helps and how to set all that stuff up, since figuring out how everything would work with inventory and stuff rattled our brain at first (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

Art!

Creating things is a great way to learn more about your system and maybe uncover trauma details in a more gentle fashion! We personally draw and write, but music, dance, videos, etc. all work!

It doesn't even have to be about your system, it could be feelings or thoughts. Just something to pick your brain, to learn more about yourself since it's easy to fall down a pit when you don't know who you are, let alone your system.

That's one of the most important things in my opinion, having a grounded sense of self before really jumping into everything. When we jumped in not really knowing who we are ourselves it was hard to understand one another and I do believe that carelessness still affects us to this day, so just try to understand your own self as well

Don't laugh, but dress up games

Yeah yeah I know the kinda reputation some of them hold, but when we first discovered we were a system and started trying to work together that was the first thing we done. We knew we didn't identify with this body, but at the same time a majority of us were particularly unsure of what we did look like. Having little avatars to dress up was so helpful cause we would ask ourselves "does this feature have any significance?" or "Why am I attached to this certain feature?". Slowly after sifting through different options we could say "that's me". It was really reassuring and helped us recognize each other. It even helped with figuring out who was fronting because someone would feel unsettled about a certain feature being missing.

We still use little apps sometimes for fun or if someone new split / came out of dormancy :]

Making time

This is gonna sound silly, but think of communicating with your system the same way you would in a relationship. This is something you're likely gonna be dealing with for a good while so it's good to have close bonds with everyone. Bonds are the key to communicating cause I mean, would you wanna talk to someone you dislike?? If you're having trouble with system conflict I'd recommend checking out my other post I made about it.

But where does making time come into this? Aha sorry I actually got off topic but I feel like it's important regardless so I ain't erasing it-

What I mean by making time is well, making time. It's harder to communicate when there's so much going on around you cause you'll get distracted. What we do is set out however much free time we have that day to bundle up in our room and pretend we're sleeping, when in reality the low amount of sensory stimuli makes it easy to focus on talking to everyone. This doesn't always goes as planned, sometimes we just have bad days and can't communicate. If that's the case we'll keep trying for a few minutes before going off to do something else.

That's one thing to always remember, everyone has bad day and that's okay!

So, those are some ideas, but I also wanted to go over some things you should avoid too, kinda like do's and dont's!

Forcing communication

There's often a reason someone in the system avoids communicating, as well as a reason you may not be able to communicate with anyone. At the end of the day you gotta remember this was formed out of survival, needing to not be able to communicate, to forget, in order to properly function.

If things aren't helping then maybe give it some time, you might just not be at a good point in your life right now and your brain knows, saying "hey, we still don't feel too good, I wanna be prepared for any other tough situations we might go through" and that's okay. The mass media loves to portray ppl with DID having flawless communication and that's just not the truth. People understand it's a hard battle and I can assure you many in the community have your back :]

Fake claiming

-One of my worst habits, it's easy to say "no that's not real". Sometimes it might not be but I know from my own mistakes that more than likely it is. It can hurt a lot of system members, making them feel like their voice doesn't matter or even make them go on a spiral if they really are real.

I don't really have much more to say, it's pretty self explanatory. Just keep an open mind

You don't have to be differentiated

Another thing we're all guilty of, we thought we had to all act super different to be valid. Spoiler alert: you're valid no matter what

Once again, I feel like it's pretty self explanatory, but forcing yourself to be different from x, y, and z person sucks cause you never get to be yourself. You don't need to be differentiated, your perfect the way you are, regardless of who may share those same traits

That's all I can think of right now, but knowing me I'll come up with a million more things after I post this

I did come up with a really good explanation of what building communication is like though and I wanted to share:

Think of it as leveling up in a video game. All these tasks may seem useless but slowly your collecting XP and getting closer to your goal. That's why you gotta keep at it!

So, keep going on those seemingly useless quests and fighting that boss monster no matter how many times you get thrown to the ground, cause every last bit is worth it (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

I hope this helps! Sorry if I got a bit off topic! I have a habit of that (• ▽ •;) I was writing on and off so things may be a bit choppy. Aaaa sorryyyy but thank you for the askkkk! And remember, I am not a professional and my words should not replace / overwrite seeking professional help if possible! Regardless, I hope you have a good week! 💫

[speedylightpeach]

A Decade and a bit

*Trigger warnings*

*18+ content*

It’s been about 12 years since I met a guy and ended up pregnant. I wanna say it was a choice, but it most certainly was not on purpose. I remember finding out, and being so afraid he would leave; telling my mom the same, just to have her blow up at him. Funny because now, I look back, wishing he’d have left right then and there. For the next 11 years it was bound to be hell; and all I can think is, how did I do this to myself? How did I allow this all to happen to me? How was I too blind to know I deserved better? I don’t know but still to this day, it haunts me, and unfortunately 60% of the time, I still don't believe I deserve better. February 2010 my daughter was conceived, honestly I was so happy, excited even. I remember hearing her first heartbeat, he wasn't there. I remember walking home with the biggest smile on my face, and feeling so stupid at the same time, walking around with this big weird smile on my face. She was a blessing. In the very beginning I decided I would raise her right, and try my best to build her up and make her strong. My mom always put me down, told me I couldn’t do anything. Well, she, that’s another whole different fricking story. Being pregnant was amazing, feeling baby move and just patiently waiting. I got lucky and didn’t even have bad morning sickness or pains or anything. Months roll around and these little red flags popped up but for some reason I was blind to them till later. I guess I just can handle a lot of shit. 6 maybe 7 months pregnant and we were walking somewhere, and i remember him like pulling me along and rushing me, and I was just so pregnant that I was getting stitches and it hurt, but he didn’t care cuz we had somewhere to be. I don’t even remember where, but the red flags came more and more, and I ignored them all. Not wanting to feel like I was an ass for thinking he was being an ass. He was an ass, and it only got worse and maybe I was an ass too, I don't think I'm innocent here, maybe we are both victims. I remember the day my daughter was born. I remember staying in Edmonton at his dad’s, doing the waiting game. November 23 2011, at 4:30 am, I remember waking him up and telling him that I was counting my contractions and I thought it was time. Now, after previously wishing he’d have left at the very beginning, this here is the next moment I wish we’d have separated and never turned back. Okay and first I have to say, this wasn’t one of those pregnancies where u end up going into the hospital ten times and just unsure. I went in once, around my due date to get induced, a week later, here we are. he looks at me, half asleep, and says “okay, well you go, and call me from the hospital if it’s time.” I wish i had walked out the door and let him miss it, sure seems like he didn’t even wanna be there. I have heard a lot of pregnancy stories, and I for one, had it easy. I went in at 4:30 am and had her by noon, with no complications. And while in the state I was in I sure would have liked to sleep, but here I’m looking over and he’s sleeping on the cot. Not enduring this with me, sleeping up to the very last moment. Just feels like the majority of these moments I look back and he wasn’t there. I thought the first couple years were good with the three of us, but I keep remembering things. Within the first year and a half of having her, I remember getting into an fight, and I remember him throwing a chair and being so afraid every time he would come near me. I’m pretty passive, until someone comes at me all aggressive. Honestly, this isn’t even the worst. Well, I’m not going to lie, in the first year or two with my daughter I spent a lot of nights going out to the bar, and he was pretty good about staying home with her, I mean even if he was just gunna sit and play video games all night anyways. I loved the bar. I loved the music, the way I felt so free and so good. Unfortunately, it got out of control. Maybe it had been so long since I felt the sparks of someone just simply touching a shoulder. A touch that didn't make me cringe, and I will tell you, if it makes you

cringe, I swear to god, go with your gut. Anyways, so I ended up way to drunk, and I ended up making out with the wrong guy. I remember feeling so good but so bad. I have a pretty good conscience, so I came clean. And boy did I eat shit. Well deserved I know, I crossed a line, maybe broke him, I'm not sure. I have never been more sorry in my life. And from that day on I basically quit drinking, we split up, kind of. I wanted that attachment so at this point I was basically willing to do whatever it took to get him back. To get him to see that I could change and i could be better. After a few months of doing these things I absolutely hated doing, he left and called me name after name after name. Letting me in just enough to get the good feels, then shoving my down in the ditch to drown, because for all i knew, that's what i deserved after what i did. 6 months apart, he’s living in Edmonton with his brother, unfortunately his brother was quite a mess at times too. Couldn't hold up his end, the bills were too much and my ex, well he needed help. So, he finally decided to let me back in. I remember the day we drove to Edmonton, it was February 2014, it was still winter and the winds were so bad, my mom didn't even wanna drive. It was like sign after sign after sign. The winds were like 100km winds, semi’s were blowing off the roads, and yet, I went. It was fine for a while, the three of us all living in one room, until one night my ex is at work, and his brother gets wasted and just starts getting so mad, clearly I just don't deal with aggression well. My ex came home and we ended up having to leave cuz his brother was on house arrest. He lost his job too for leaving to deal with our family crisis. We ended up grabbing everything we could from this place, losing a lot because all we could take was what we could take on the train with us. We managed to find another place, again all three of us living in one room sharing a house with a few Filipino people, they were pretty cool. The fighting never dulled or stopped. It was always something. I remember once being shown a Facebook account, with a Latino name and being assured that i had a fake Facebook account. The only thing was, it wasn't me. I will tell you another thing, a really shitty feeling, is when you're defending yourself persistently for something you didn't even do. Being told over and over again that your wrong when you know you're right. Being told I cheated with someone I never had. The landlord ended up selling the place so we found some roommates to move in with, another couple who had kids. These people were, intense to say lightly. Some what the same though, She couldn't leave without being harassed to come back home and deal with the kids. At this point I couldn't even see my best friend, because she had guys with her. I remember her coming to town and asking me to go to Red’s or something, and it was just such a fight to let me go. Are there guys? He didn't want me to go, and i remember swearing up and down that it wasn't his fault that I wouldn't go. He eventually did let me go, but when i came home it was assumptions and accusations. Seems like after this point every time i left the house, to go to work, to anything, I always walked back in to assumptions and accusations. I remember getting phone calls at work, with him screaming at me, and my coworkers just looking at me like I'm fucked. I wish I knew why I put up with it all. At this point I've probably been solely providing for my family for at least 4 years, since he lost that job. It was so hard to make ends meet with 13 dollars an hour and i just wore myself out. Sadly those were the days, i would ask my boss if i could stay longer, just so I didn't have to go home. This is where things really took a turn, because it wasn't just things I was doing anymore. Now its things someone else is doing, some stranger logging into his games and apps with convenient names to harass and make him feel bad. Which, I don’t know, I still to this day see as coincidences. Maybe I was wrong for not supporting him, I

honestly didn't know how. After all the times, I honestly felt like I would be lying if I said I believed it, and I had no one to talk to. I had already lost touch with reality. One day, the fight got so bad, I will never forget this day, it severely haunts me, and I pray I never get treated this way again. I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but it was bad, there were things thrown everywhere, glass smashed all over the place, my favorite things all broken. I remember standing in the kitchen while he picked up the weeks worth of garbage in the can and dumped it on me, and called me trash. And people wonder why I have no self worth, because I dealt with shit like this for too long. I broke. After the trash it was bong water, all over my Chili Peppers shirt stained with resin for life. I remember this was close to my daughters birthday. I was making her a cake and he threw that everywhere. I still have the video of the way the house looked. Whore, cunt, bitch, stupid. I pray that no one ever gets put down in this way. And fuck me, I still went back to him. Still allowed him another chance for what I don't know. With my mom and my best friend telling to leave, I justified it. Relationships are hard they take work, but hun not this much. Her birthday comes and he sits in his room the whole day. I don't remember the fight after that, the only thing I do remember was my daughter and niece in the living room probably only 4 and5 and he picked up my PlayStation and just threw it flat down right in front of them, and they looked so scared. At this point I’m yelling at him to get the fuck out. Do something to me that's one thing, I can take it a lot better than those poor little kids, whom had done nothing. As he was walking up the stairs I said his name and he turned around. I punched him in the face, and that was the first time I had ever hit anyone in the face ever. Its weird, I get to a point where I've had enough but then I'm okay and decide I guess I can handle a little more I don't know maybe it will be better, they say things get better… they didn't. I think it was 2017 when he finally moved back to our old town. Not long after I followed, I guess I just couldn't give myself the time to find something better, someone better. Ended up moving back in with him. This time, was the last time. This argument was horrid. Not as bad as having bong water and garbage dumped on you, but words have a way of sticking in the brain. Another fight i don't remember at all what I did, but I remember sitting on the deck begging my friend to come get me, when he throws a bag of roast beef sandwich meat at me and says my cunt smells. This guy has torn me down in every way possible. I honestly don't even have a clue as to how to rebuild myself. I wanted to leave the meat behind on the bed, with a note “ For when you start to miss me” I wish I had, but I guess I just didn't want to sink that low. I didn't realize how low I was already sinking. When he wanted sex that was it, he was either gunna belittle me until I just laid there and took it or he’d go watch porn and grope me while I tried to ignore it all. Honestly this is my biggest pain. I never want to feel what that feels like ever again. Lets be clear, he never once actually hit me, before he had pushed the back of the rocking chair and basically thrown me out of it, and this last time, he put his hand on my face and he shoved me. And I don't know why, but that's when I really broke. I walked out that door and never came back. We tried to be friends later, but it was too hard. He would try to kiss me and honestly cringe, to having to turn away to block a kiss u don't want. I so nicely explained how hard we tried and that we just had to let go. Spent a few months doing a lot of molly together. Before I realized I was sinking again, this time to molly. She felt so good. Gave me that feeling I wanted. Peace in my heart. No worries. No anger. Nothing. Peace. Just over two years separated and I honestly hope he leaves our lives and doesn't come back. I am sorry, that he misses

out on his kid, but I cannot fathom the idea of her going through the same tragedies I have. Today, I have anxiety, severe depression, mostly likely BPD, 60% of the time I feel like I'm drowning, or wish I was. I cant work, I hate going out for fear of people thinking and seeing me the way he did. All of those things he said have shaped the way I see myself and its so sad. One day, I hope I find my worth. And you, remember to love yourself more than anything else. I didn’t and it destroyed me. I had all the chances in the world to turn my life around, don’t miss yours.