#we didn’t know where this was going we just knew that the gay drift compatibility guqin duet from red cliff was Happening

[ash-and-starlight]

Sokka splashed a line of water through his path. The fire fizzled. Zuko’s eyebrow raised, then he forged on. The path zigzagged out of the constellation, hopped eastwards through the galaxy’s north. Hiss. Hiss. Sokka met him each time with a streak of water. Zuko pressed on, building rhythm with each star he joined up.

The Mercy of Magpies Chapter 4 out now!!

as always written by thee @ranilla-bean and betaed by @faux-fires

Chapter Post || Cover || Map and Characters || Ch2 || Ch 3.1 || Ch. 3.2

[justheretobreakthings]

There’s No Ships Sailing

A Voltron: Legendary Defender fic Central Characters: Keith, Acxa Genres: Fluff, Friendship Word Count: 1,588 Read on AO3

Story Summary:

Acxa and Keith have a talk about things that were said during their fight with Ezor and Zethrid, and they get their feelings about each other out into the open.

(Season 7 spoilers)

“Keith? Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Keith blinked down at the periwinkle hand wrapped around his bicep and tugging him to the side, then up to see the face of Acxa, looking uncertainly up at him with a pinched brow. He glanced toward the others, making their way back into their lions, before replying. “Um… about what?” he asked cautiously.

“Just, uh – just some things that I, ah, that I wanted to clear up?” She dropped her gaze so she no longer was looking him in the eyes. “Do you mind if we talk in private?”

“Uh, sure?” Acxa let out a breath and Keith let her starting tugging him away, back into the reaches of the cave they’d all been gathered in.

“You coming, Keith?” Pidge called from the entrance.

Keith nodded and waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, just give me a minute.” Pidge nodded in return and ducked away.

Acxa waited for Keith to turn his attention back to her, and when he did, she was wringing her hands together nervously. “Listen, Keith,” she said. “I – I wanted to talk to you about what Ezor and Zethrid were saying back there.”

“Hm?”

“You know, about how I, uh – like, when they said I… fancied you?”

Oh. Immediately Keith felt blood rushing into his cheeks, their temperatures surely rising by about twenty degrees in all of two seconds. Unconsciously he took a step back as he stammered out, “Oh. That. Right, that – that thing. The, uh, the – with the – ”

“Keith?” Acxa said, tilting her head. “You okay? You look – ”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“You look like you’re gonna be sick.”

“No, no, I just – ” He lifted a shaking hand and swiped it across his forehead. “I just – I’m not really good with this, didn’t – didn’t expect to have to, uh – look, I – you’re – you’re a nice-looking person and all, and I, uh, I appreciate all you’ve done for me, and you – I mean, I – I – don’t take this personally, but – ”

Acxa shook her head. “Hang on, Keith, I think you misunder– ”

“Wait, no, let me – let me finish. I’m, uh – I’m… flattered? And all? But I don’t think we’re – I mean, we’re not – I wouldn’t exactly be compatible with you in, um, in that way…”

“Wouldn’t be – wait, you’re gay?” Acxa asked, eyes widening.

“Oh, you guys use the same terminology,” Keith said. “Huh. But, uh, no, not – not that. It’s, uh, I don’t – like, you could be a guy and I would be saying the same thing, it’s – it’s not about gender, it’s more of a, uh… none-of-the-above situation.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Anyway, the, uh, the point is – I’m really sorry, I – I hadn’t known that you, uh, you felt that, and I don’t want to, uh, to hurt your feelings, I just – I mean, I like you as a person… I think… but, uh, yeah – no. It’s a no. I’m sorry. Are – are you okay?”

Acxa stared at Keith for a long moment, then, ever so slowly, a tiny smile crept onto her face. “By any chance is this your first time rejecting a girl?”

Keith frowned and took another step back before crossing his arms tightly across his chest. “What does it matter?” he asked, a hint of a growl in his voice.

“It doesn’t, I guess. Just, that was bad. Really bad.” Her smile widened. “I wish someone had been around to record that.”

Keith scowled. “Are you laughing at me?”

She shook her head. “No, no, don’t worry. Actually, it’s probably a good thing that you got this practice round in before you ever have to do it for real.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you probably should have just let me finish talking a moment ago. I was going to say, you know how Ezor kept saying I was ‘in love’ with you?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, she was kind of talking out of her ass.”

Keith blinked in confusion. “What?”

“I’m not really sure where she got the idea,” Acxa said slowly. “… Okay, well, that’s not entirely true, I can probably take a guess. She knows that I have a habit of, well, not killing you, so I suppose she interpreted that as me liking you.”

“Oh.”

Acxa sighed. “She was right, in a way. Not about the crush, that was all her story. But about – well, I did always… admire you, I guess.”

“You… admired me?” Keith repeated slowly.

“Well, yes.”

“Why?”

“Seriously?” Acxa asked, and when Keith said nothing, she continued, “For starters, there was that weblum. I – I really thought I was going to die in there, and you came along. You could so easily have left me there to die, you could so easily have turned on me on any minute, but… you didn’t.”

Keith shrugged, the redness of his cheeks, which had never quite faded away as they were talking, starting to darken again. “That’s not exactly something worth ‘admiring’ me for. Anyone else would have done the same.”

“No, that’s the thing. They wouldn’t have. Listen, Keith, I’ve spent years working under the Galra empire. Under Lotor. And things – things are different there. It’s hard to trust other people there. It’s always about winning, about gaining power. People want so bad to climb through the military ranks, to prove their strength, to be great. And if that means stabbing people in the back or leaving one of their own behind or turning a blind eye to decisions that may have been wrong, they’ll do it, and without hesitating in the least.”

“Victory or death,” Keith said softly.

“Right. It’s why I didn’t expect to get out of that weblum, you know? I had landed myself into that mess, no one was going to risk themselves to get me out of it. Lotor was fond of me, but he would have found a different general to work with. There are plenty of half-Galra out there who would leap at the chance to actually be in a position of respect.

“But you… you don’t work like that. I’ve seen you out in battle, Keith. You’re protective. You put yourself at risk without thinking twice about it. I saw you fighting at Kral Zera, and I saw the way you went after your black paladin friend when Haggar got to him. I’ve – I’ve never seen anything like it.” She sighed. “Ezor and Zethrid think that I have feelings for you because I don’t want to try to kill you. But that’s not it. I… respect you. I could never kill someone I respect. Could never want to hurt them. And I think I’m right in saying you’ve had the same approach to me?”

Keith nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I have.”

Acxa smiled. “Good. Glad we’re on the same page.”

“So there’s nothing to the whole ‘you fancying me’ thing?”

“No,” Acxa said through a little laugh. “No, as a matter of fact, when you had said something about us not being ‘compatible’, my first thought was, ‘now how in the universe did he know about that’?”

“About…?”

“My preferences. Men aren’t really my thing.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yes, really. As a matter of fact, I – and just keep this between the two of us, mind you – I sort of had a secret thing for Ezor for quite a while.”

“You and – you and Ezor?”

Acxa shrugged. “Yeah, what can I say. She was always so… bubbly. I guess I liked that.”

“Oh. You like… bubbly.”

“Mm-hm. Guess that sort of puts you out of the running, doesn’t it?” She laughed at the affronted look on Keith’s face. “But yeah, lasted for a while. Ezor never knew, which I guess explains why she still thought me being interested in you that way was a possibility. Didn’t matter, really, she and Zethrid were always well on their way to being a couple. And I sort of ended up drifting away from the other two over, ah, differences in politics.”

Keith snorted. “That’s one way to phrase it.”

“Oh, hush. Anyway, I just – are we okay? The two of us? I want to make things better, I want to help in the fight back against the empire. And I want to be able to consider myself your ally. So the last thing I want is for anything to be strange between us.” She held out her hand and looked imploringly up at Keith. “So… allies?”

Keith smiled and firmly took her hand in his to shake. “Allies.”

“Hey!” a voice called. Keith and Acxa jumped, hands still intertwined as they whipped their heads around to the cave entrance, where Lance was leaning into view. “Allura says we’ve gotta start heading out pronto. Are you two lovebirds just about finished or what?”

Acxa glared, and Keith immediately tore his boot from his foot to hurl as hard as he could at Lance’s head. Lance just laughed and ducked out of the way. “Idiot,” Keith grunted. “He’s gonna be teasing me over this the whole way back to Earth, isn’t he.”

“So tell him there’s nothing going on between us.”

“He would never believe me.”

“Oh. Well, then, would you like me to stab him?”

Keith couldn’t help but laugh. “Be my guest. I would love you for it.”

Acxa rolled her eyes and gave him a light shove as she started out of the cave. Keith followed behind her, chuckling under his breath and stopping to retrieve his boot as they left.

[missytearex]

Happy 1D fanworks appreciation day! I thought I would celebrate by sharing my ultimate favourites. So, in no particular order, here we go!

Vanguard by catholicschoolgirl | @catholicschoolgirl --- 40k, Zarry

“But you've been thinking about me,” Harry said. “You've been thinking about me, and now you know that I've been thinking about you. Since before we even met, I've wanted you.”

Zayn smiled wryly, feeling cynical all of a sudden. “And it's that easy?”

Harry nodded. “It should be. People try to make it hard, but I've gotta believe it's that easy. It's everything else about this damn world that's hard.”

This one absolutely destroyed me. It’s set in the 60′s during the Vietnam war. I was completely transported there. Do yourself a favour and have a listen to the fanmix as well. It really adds to the immersion.

there's no fair in farewell by we_are_the_same | @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed --- 218k, Larry

When Harry and Louis, two Cupids who have been bringing people together for decades, are tasked with making Soulmates Liam and Zayn fall in love, it proves to be much harder than expected. But maybe, just maybe, that isn’t such a bad thing after all.

This was the first WIP I’ve let myself read in years, and guys, it paid off! I have such a soft spot for it, as I was reading along while it was being posted. Take note that it is complete now! It’s just such an original story. I laughed, I cried, I yelled in capslock. Go read this right now, if you haven’t yet!

Under All Circumstances by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 38k, OT5

When Liam decides to sign up for an online dating website, his main worry is how scary it is to finally have the chance to go out with a boy; he’s definitely not anticipating having to deal with the website glitch that sets him up on a blind date with not just one boy, but four at the same time.

Somehow, the date goes well – so well that the other four convince Liam that they all need to do it again, and for some crazy reason Liam agrees. Maybe it’s because he really likes these loud, ridiculous, frankly gorgeous boys.

But it’s stupid, isn’t it? No matter how good it feels, how much fun Liam has, and how lucky he feels that all these people want to kiss him – five people can’t all go out at the same time. Five-way relationships don’t happen, there’s no way they can all make this work. He’s sure of it.

I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this fic. It’s OT5 with feels, which is one of my favourite things ever, and there is not nearly enough of it in this world.

Walk That Mile by purpledaisy | @daisyharry --- 149k, Larry

Harry stares at him, the line of his jaw standing out scarily. “I wanted to get the most out of this trip so I planned it carefully.” His voice is low and steady and somehow that’s worse than when he was yelling. “So far, you’ve put your sticky fingers on everything I’ve tried to do.”

“Sticky fingers?” Louis repeats, offended. “Are you saying it’s my fault you got stung by a bee? Had you been alone you would have gotten halfway to the Dotty Diner and ran the car off the road because of an allergic reaction, so don’t go blaming me.”

“Polk-A-Dot Drive In,” Harry spits before getting out of the car. He slams the door shut with a deafening reverb and Louis rolls his eyes. - A Route 66 AU where falling in love was never part of the plan.

Larry roadtrip AU! I can only imagine how much research must have gone into writing something like this. Pair that with a brilliant writing style and amazing characterizations and, holy shit, you’ve got one incredible story!

Little Lion Man by Writcraft | @writsgrimmyblog --- 123k, Tomlinshaw

It’s his final year at Hogwarts, and Louis can’t wait to leave for good. He hates being in Gryffindor and he can’t even enjoy a smoke with the Slytherins now his best mate Zayn’s fucked off to Durmstrang. Louis would be completely miserable if not for WWN and Nick Grimshaw. The same Nick Grimshaw Louis has been listening to for years, ever since Nick’s early days on Potterwatch. As Louis tries to negotiate coming of age, sexuality, first times, homophobia in the wizarding world and his growing feelings for Nick, a new evil emerges which puts Louis and Nick in serious danger. Peace can only last for so long and Louis is about to learn exactly how brave he can be as he finds himself fighting for his life, his friends and everything he’s ever loved.

This author is an absolute legend among the HP community, and I feel so blessed that they gave us this epic coming-of-age freakin novel of a Tomlinshaw fic. Because that’s what it is. A novel. Reading it feels like reading a Harry Potter book, with added smut. Plus, I have such a soft spot for Tomlinshaw. A must read.

Let It Be Lightning by alexenglish | @queerlyalex --- 41k, OT5

Niall Horan made a choice when he enlisted with the Pan Pacific Defense Corps. Leave his family and try to make a difference. He started out as a Jaeger Tech, elbow-deep in the greasy guts of the machines that were supposed to save the world, but here he is, five years later, fresh out of the Ranger Academy with another choice to make:

Assemble a team of Rangers able to pilot two or more Jaegers at any given moment. Interchangeable partnerships, all Drift Compatible with each other. The implications of pulling off this project are astronomical, but at the end of the day, Niall's just worried about how many people are going to end up inside his head.

If you’re looking for a little diversity, look no further! This one features non-binary!harry, trans-male!louis and asexual!liam all in one damn place! And everyone is connected through Niall! I mean, that pushes so many of my buttons, I don’t even know where to start!

you came into my life by disgruntledkittenface | @disgruntledkittenface --- 57k, Larry

They stand around talking for a minute and then Jonathan starts to ramble, “Has there ever been, like, an unrequited gay love story in here? Like a Brokeback Mountain moment where, like, someone just fell in love and they didn’t mean to?”

Louis feels bile rise in his throat as Jonathan’s eyes sparkle, pleading for a yes. He manages to look around and see thoughtful looks on his coworkers’ faces before their heads shake no.

“Not here,” Liam says finally.

When the Queer Eye cast and crew sweep into Louis’ small town and fire station to make over his best friend and coworker Liam, Louis’ carefully constructed walls start to fall down and he has to face his fears – and the only guy he’s ever been able to see a future with.

I’ve talked about this one before, and to be honest, I probably won’t ever stop talking about it. It’s a story about Louis’ inner struggles and the people that give him the courage to finally come out of the closet. Every which way you turn, there’s a character love and adore. I will definitely be reading this one again some time in the near future.

I Only Come Alive Under the Moonlight by remivel | @remivel --- 54k, Lilo

Louis knew he hadn't seen action in months, but this was just the universe making fun of him, he was sure of it. Because when he woke up in the middle of the night, he discovered that his new dog was missing, and standing in its place was a very confused, very fit... and very naked man.

Or a romantic comedy with a furry twist. Liam turns into a dog at night, Louis tries to help him get back to normal-- and ends up falling in love somewhere along the way.

It’s a rom-com, guys! And I actually laughed out loud. Imagine Louis waking up to find a naked Liam in the kitchen. And Liam having no idea how he got there, or even who he is. It’s so fun to join their weird little bubble for a while. I could’ve easily read another 50k words of this.

Replay, Darling by lazy_daze | @dazy-laze --- 1k, Lilo

Really, really schmoopy Lilo 'Replay' fic for which I blame onedirectionundergod and the fact that there can never been enough 'Replay' schmoop. (Or porn - oh man, please - but this is version: schmoop.) Thank you to checkthemargins for the title help! <3

This one really is sickly-sweet, but that’s just how I like ‘em! I know it’s short, but my love for Lilo and the whole replay thing makes it one of my favourites.

Easy As All That (Go Around A Time Or Two) by sunsetmog --- 84k, Lilo

Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is figuring out who you are in the first place.

Or: The one where Liam and Louis only kiss when they're on nights out, when it's secret, when there's no one around to see them. If no one knows you're having a sexuality crisis, that means it isn't happening, right?

Or, or: Liam accidentally turns Louis' world upside down.

A high school sixth form AU.

Lilo having a sexuality crisis! I don’t know what more you need me to say, really. When I think about Lilo, this is the fic I think about.

Heart Skips A Beat by harriet_vane --- 27k, Zarry

Harry always kisses everyone, until he starts something he can't finish. (A university AU in which no one goes to class. I am noticing a trend.)

Harry’s characterization is the whole reason I love this fic so much. He absolutely has no freakin idea how to deal with his crush and goes about it all wrong. It’s endearing as much as it is face-palm inducing.

I Could Paint You By Numbers, and Color You In by YinAndYangOnIce --- 12k, Ziall

based off this thing i wrote, basically Niall has a secret admirer and everyone is an idiot

I prefer my Ziall to be of the fluffy variety and this one does not disappoint! It makes me smile like an absolute idiot, which is why you should read it. 

Not Happening by scottmcniceass --- 52k, Ziam

Zayn and Liam are roommates. They hate each other. (Most of the time.)

This was the first Ziam I have ever read and boy did it set the bar high. If you’re into enemies to lovers, as I am, drop everything and read this. 

[agentsokka]

Davekat Fic Recs [P2]

Continuation of my Davekat fic rec list from ye old 2016. An absolute metric shit ton of Damn Good Fics™ have dropped since then, and it’s criminal I haven’t updated that original list in so long. 

As per usual with these things, you won’t find much luck here with smut content. Some stories feature scenes, but for the most part, the fics themselves aren’t exclusively about such.

Cheers!

[Oneshots]

English is Full of Really Shitty Metaphors: You knew you probably shouldn't stay on a planet mostly inhabited by trolls once you finished your adult pupation and your blood color became more apparent. You also knew that you should learn a couple of other languages so that your weren't floundering around like an idiot when you eventually did move. Talking to random aliens on the internet seemed like a really good way to practice.

Fatalistic Humor, or, Jokes to Make Post-Mortem: ‘Head over heels’ is an appropriate turn of phrase because falling in love is exactly like throwing yourself down an endless staircase of inconvenient emotion.

i’m at the combination dunkin donuts & urgent care: Karkat Vantas is convinced beyond a doubt that his neighbor is some variety of murderer, until they actually meet in person. Highlights include blood at the laundromat, Dave's weird obsession with candles, and a box of shitty swords.

In Which a Loser is Sick: IN WHICH A LOSER IS SICK AND TRIES TO DENY IT, A TROLL IS ALSO A LOSER AND TRIES TO DENY IT, PISSING PANTS IS DISCUSSED IN THE SAME LINE OF CONVERSATION AS CALMING DOWN, VRISKA IS MENTIONED BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE IS, SOUP IS MADE AND SUBSEQUENTLY IGNORED, AND AN ACT OF AFFECTION IS REPAID BY THE WEAKENING OF AN IMMUNE SYSTEM. Dave gets sick and Karkat takes care of him.

Pretty Friggin’ MATRIMONIAL: Karkat is planning the proposal to end all proposals, but a clueless Dave has plans of his own.

Rumination: Dave and Karkat do some thinking, talking, kissing, and cuddling. Not necessarily in that order.

Self Sabotage and Other Symptoms of a Damaged Soul: Ok so everyone knows Dave and Dirk had a long amazing talk that presumably ended with Dave asking him for advice on the Being Not Straight stuff. My problem is, Dave also spent three years with his gloriously gay twin sister on a fucking space rock while he was right in the middle of coming to terms with all this stuff. So I wrote this mostly to reconcile the gap I think exists there, with a bunch of other Dave centric stuff thrown in with it.

Shitty Punchlines are the Purest Form of Self-Deprecation: Laying somewhere solidly post-credits and wondering, when do we start feeling like winners? Or is that not part of the package? Where's our fucking GameFAQs guide to navigating these stupid first steps into an eternity processing whatever the FUCK just happened, here? Going through that door was supposed to fix everything. Wasn't it? What's it going to take to fix ourselves?

Sleepwalk: Dave has unfortunate nocturnal habits. Karkat handles them better than anyone might've expected.

Start at the Beginning: Don't stop until eternity. And even then. (Davekat, meteor to can land to earth c and on. Happy anniversary.)

Sweatertown - Population: Two: Dave's cape gets hijacked, but Karkat knows what to do about it.

Tested: Dave and Karkat want to escape Aperture Science Laboratories.

That Cultural Divide: “Dave,” says Karkat neutrally, “why are they beating him up?” And your mouth runs dry.

Valentine’s Day: Valentine's Day through the three years on the meteor.

What to do When Your Boyfriend is Too Hot: Moving to a new universe and a new paradigm brings a lot of changes. And Dave kind of likes the way things were before, back on the Meteor, when he had Karkat all to himself and didn't spend sleepless nights waiting for the shoe to fall.

[Multichap]

About a Time I Failed: A doomed timeline AU. Instead of trolling John, Karkat finds himself scrolling through Dave's entire timeline. He is horrified by what he finds, and ends up in a pseudo-friendship with somewhat reluctant Dave. The story spans the rest of this timeline- Dave and Karkat's budding internet romance, the beta kids becoming friends, the start of SBURB, and, eventually, all of them realizing that Dave and Karkat's diversion from the Alpha Timeline has doomed them all. [Incomplete]

And it’s a Downward Spiral from There: One day, the whole world is going to acknowledge you as that one guy who finally made contact with aliens, but if you had known that getting drunk was going to lead up to abduction, a potential probing, and becoming the worst cult sacrifice this side of the galaxy, you probably would have just stayed at home. [Ongoing]

Astronomy in Reverse: Dave and Karkat are intergalactic pen pals, originally paired together for an extra credit school outreach project. Now, three years of correspondence later, they're best friends... and Karkat is finally immigrating to Earth. [Ongoing]

Breathe: Your name is Dave Strider, and there's nothing good about John and Rose changing schools. Without your twin sister and best friend, you've been left socially crippled at school, and barely coping at home. You're nearly certain that your mental health has been slowly spiraling downhill. You have no clue how you'll last the year to high school graduation. In all this, there's just one single ray of light. Your name is Dave Strider, and there's nothing good about John and Rose changing schools. Except for meeting Karkat Vantas. [Ongoing]

**The Calm is Terrifying When the Storm is All You’ve Known**: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist. Slow burn, shifting perspectives; romance really isn't the focus here but it'll still play a significant part; extra content warnings will be posted with each relevant chapter. [Ongoing] [y’all I’m serious read it it’ll water your crops and clear your chakras it’s Good Shit]

cold desert: Curiosity killed the cat. It probably just wasn't as good at being nosy as Dave is. [Ongoing]

Demon Eyes: In which Dave goes in to kill a demon for his bro, and things...don't exactly go as planned. [Ongoing]

Doc Scratch’s School for Supernaturally Gifted Adolescents: One minute you get a mysterious message from a man who types all in white like a jackass, and then the next thing you know you're being whisked away to a mystical school for kids with superpowers. If you weren't Dave fucking Strider, this sort of thing might bother you. [Ongoing]

Fortuitous: Dave and Karkat build a pillow fort and an unexpected chain of events occurs. [Ongoing]

If I Lose Everything in the Fire: The Kaiju - or Horrorterrors, as the trolls call them - first invaded Earth through a transdimensional rift at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Serving the Condesce in her quest to add Earth to the Alternian Empire, these monsters have terrorized humanity for twelve years. With the help of rebel troll factions and the adaptation of Alternian mind integration technology - The Drift - the Interspecies Defense Program has fought back as the last line of defense between the Kaiju and Earth. Karkat Vantas was a Jaeger pilot, fought for freedom in the Assault on the Breach that brought trolls to Earth. The loss of his co-pilot left him bitter and full of rage, but desperate times have lead to him being recruited to join the fray once more. Dave Strider is the best and brightest the Interspec program has to offer. Jaeger Restoration Project Head, highest simulation score on record, and younger brother of the Deputy Marshal - except he's not allowed in a Jaeger. Nobody expects them to be Drift Compatible. [Ongoing]

i'm sick of the things i do when i'm nervous: Two idiots poke at recovery with a stick. [Complete]

IN WHICH TWO SETS OF HUMAN BROTHERLY BONDS ARE ESTABLISHED, SEVERAL CORRUPT INSTITUTIONS OF MORALITY ARE IDEOLOGICALY DEMOLISHED, A DOG WITCH USES GOD POWERS TO MESS WITH EXQUISTELY CAREFULLY PLANNED INFRASTRUCTURE PLANS FOR SOME TREES LIKE A JACKASS--: --APPROXIMATELY A BILLION FUCKING CONSORTS AND CHESS PEOPLE, ALONG WITH A LOT OF USELESS GOD MODED LAYABOUTS ARE LEAD TO SUCCESSFUL COLONIZATION AND ESTABLISHMENT BY A SUCCESSFUL AND COMPASSIONATE LEADER, AND LONG-SUNDERED SOULMATES TORN APART BY FEAR AND DEVASTATING, MIND-BOGGLING STUPIDITY ARE REUNITED AT LAST BY A WISE, COMPASSIONATE BOSS / GUIDANCE FIGURE AND HIS LOYAL, EFFICIENT RIGHT-HAND MAN. THERE ARE AT LEAST THREE CRYING SCENES, TWO KISSES, AND OVER TEN TOTAL MINUTES OF REAL-TIME DESCRIPTION OF LONGING GAZES AND TENDER HUGS. 2 RESOUNDING ENDORSEMENTS OF BELOVED MUNICIPAL OFFICIALS. PRIMERS ON HUMAN/TROLL INTERSPECIES ROMANCE. THIS TEXT IS SUGGESTED SCHOOLFEEDING MATERIAL FOR ALL REASONABLY GROWN HATCHLINGS GAZING OUT ON THE BLIGHTED WASTELAND OF THEIR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, WISHING THEY WERE DEAD, AND DESPERATELY YEARNING SOMEONE WOULD CLUE THEM IN ON JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. RATED 8(17)+ AND UP. [Complete]

M.C. Escher that's My Favorite MC [It’s the End of the World as We Know It]: Dirk has a plan, when he's 18 he's going to take Dave and get him the fuck out of their terrible lives and start over. Until then being the barrier between Dave and Bro is his only job, his soulmate is just going to have to wait goddamnit. Dave has a plan, it involves getting internet famous and not going gay, easy right? Karkat also has a plan, to repeatedly track down his dumb as rocks soulmate and get him to actually talk to him for fuck's sake. [Ongoing]

Midnight’s Son: Dave Strider's father, a prominent detective, is tasked with infiltrating the Midnight Crew. Dave, worried about his father's safety, decides to do a little undercover work of his own and tries to befriend the boss's son, Karkat Vantas. [Complete]

Nothing Risked, Nothing Lost: Try as he might, Dave remembered nothing from the first four years of his life. There were three signs of imminent upheaval. First, the King of Derse disappeared without a trace. Second, the Queen of Prospit dropped dead. The third sign was the return of long-lost royalty. Not like any of this was Dave's concern. Not the war between Prospit and Derse, not the horrorterrors of the Furthest Ring, not the failings of some dumb monarchs. He was a nobody. Not like Rose, a bona fide Seer of Light. He wasn't sure why she wanted them to go to Derse, but he followed her, anyway. Like he always did. [Hiatus]

Off Court: Your name is Dave Strider, and a hospital wasn’t the setting you had imagined when you thought of seeing your twin again. Your name is Karkat Vantas, and having Terezi drag you around her weird human legislacerator training probably wasn’t the worst way you could spend the rest of your sweeps. And then you meet him. [Ongoing]

Palisades, Palisades: In your memories, you see Dave Strider, fourteen-years-old and made up of lean muscle and awkward limbs that he would still need a few years to grow into fully. Crows surround him, all cawing impatiently, vying for the chicken sandwich in his backpack. He swears loudly as he swings a stick at them, trying to get them to leave him the fuck alone. “Stupid feathery assholes,” he’d always complain once he finally shooed them away. You tear yourself out of the memory. You miss him, and you hate yourself for it. [Complete]

The Red Thing: The first time you ever realised there was something wrong with you, you were two sweeps old. You still remember it like it was just yesterday. You were at the playground in your then-community, which you had long since moved from. You’d been playing ‘tag’ with some of the other young trolls, but had tripped and scraped your knees. One of the other troll’s custodial guardians had noticed what had happened, and wandered over to make sure you were alright. You don’t think you’ll ever forget the look on her face when she picked you up and saw the mutant-red seeping through the knees of your pants. Things spiraled downhill quickly after that. You’d never quite understood what was happening when you were young, but you’d known that you’d become an outcast. Other trolls around you started to avoid you. Sometimes they’d throw things at you – food, stones, anything that might hurt you. Other times, they’d call you names – mistake, mutant, freak. You preferred when they tried to hurt you. At least then you could fight back. [Ongoing]

space cowboy disaster zone: Your name is Karkat Vantas, and these nights you eke out a quiet living on Antoren-3, helping around the Caltira Inn or scavenging out in the rust plains. It’s a simple life, and the only excitement you get for the most part is from the stories of other scavengers, a handful of bar fights, and the occasional salvageable wreck. Fresh wrecks, you’ve only seen a handful of times, and when John spots the telltale streak of light from a distant crash in the middle of a rust storm, you’re eager to get first dibs on whatever it might contain, the elements be damned. You don’t expect a survivor. [Ongoing]

Stepping Stones: A series of vignettes concerning the evolution of the relationship between Karkat Vantas and Dave Strider. Or, the troll title: IN WHICH DAVE AND KARKAT DISCUSS THE VARIOUS DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HUMAN AND TROLL GENITALS, THERE IS AN AWKWARD CONFESSION OF EMOTIONS, DAVE AND DIRK FINISH THEIR CONVERSATION ON THE ROOFTOP, DAVE GETS SOME ADVICE FROM A FEW OF THE LADIES IN HIS LIFE, AND THERE IS A SMUTTY EPILOGUE. [Complete]

The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Dave was silent. YES. YOU. The voice answered him before he even had a chance to speak up and voice his confusion or curiosity with a lack of delicacy only a child was capable of. It had a harsh way of speaking, brash enough to be rude and so loud the sound of his voice practically echoed off his skull. In it he could feel the rich, crimson flow of blood, the drip, drip, of molten lava degrading stone so ancient not even the gods of old would have lived to see it form. A being so old, so vast, that even to speak his name would grant one with immeasurable power. It made him shudder, little hands clenching into fists against rough stone. HUMAN CHILD. In which Dave is alone and Dragons exist. Shenanigans ensue. [Ongoing]

Stow Away: Calm and collected, that's Dave Strider. The docking station around him is chaotic and loud but he is like ice, cool and clear. None of that is true of course, but nobody is looking closely enough to notice the way his hands shake and his eyes dart around underneath the opaque plastic of his vintage sunglasses. Dave Strider sneaks on board an Alternian ship in an attempt to flee his shitty situation on Earth. This is the first of many questionable decisions. [Complete]

Time Displacement: Side A: After the events of the game, Dave wakes up in a universe that is familiarly unfamiliar. Sburb didn't happen, all their guardians are alive, and Bro is...different. [Ongoing]

Transcend: Dave doesn't get troll romance, but that's okay because Karkat is bad at it anyway. A journey through all four quadrants and a bit more. [Complete]

[starryeyedkara]

Weekend Relaxing || Danvers Sisters

While a lazy Sunday was apparently the norm it hadn’t ever been for Kara, but after her somewhat failed game night, where James unsurprisingly didn’t show up, but Winn still did and the pair played video games for most of the night, she knew that spending her Sunday, cooped up on her computer, headphones on, notebook ready to go, while the strangers on the screen went at each other like no tomorrow wasn’t truly the best way to spend her Sunday. But lucky for her, Rao was not a God that was recognized on Earth so she wasn’t too worried about being hit by a lightning bolt or something, even if truly there was worse things she could be hit for at this point. 

The weirdest part about it was that she was truly just taking notes. She’d wanted to improve her skills when it came to pleasing Lena, and though porn was probably the most over acted thing, Kara knew they had the right ideas...sometimes. And considering the contract rule about no masturbation, well what else was she going to do!

She’d started in the lesbian section, obviously. But found they were trying too hard and she wasn’t learning anything helpful, except to make sure she always continued to keep her nails short because yikes. Then drifted to the gay section, until she realized her notes would be kind of pointless given the parts, but she did write down some hopefully helpful tips for oral, if Lena ever did make that more life like appendage and gave her another shot at it.

But now Kara found herself watching straight porn and while she skipped the nine plus minutes of a blowjob she found it had actually started to get interesting, she’d written notes and her thoughts had definitely started to wander. Of course before when she’d thought of Lena it was different, she was just imagining, but now that she knew what Lena’s touch felt like, what her weight felt like when she pinned her down, now it was easier to imagine these situations and Kara’s mind was definitely in a sinful place now. Her mind wandered to her first night with Lena, before she had a sensory overload, only this time Kara could picture (thanks to the actions on the screen) Lena completely pinning her against the bed, possibly restraining her hands again, it was only when for a split second Kara could almost feel Lena’s weight against her back did she quickly reach around for her phone to text her girlfriend.

Just as she had her fingers wrapped around the device did her hearing manage to pick up on her apartment door shutting and she was quick to tug her headphones off, quickly scrambling to mute the video, especially when she looked up from the couch and her gaze fell on Alex.

“H-Hey,” she squeaked, swallowing thickly before moving to exit the window, trying not to look too obvious, even though she could feel how warm her face was.

“Hey, sorry I knocked and you didn’t answer so I just used my key. You okay?”

“Me? Pff, yeah! I’m great. Why? Do I not look okay? Are you okay?” shutting her laptop off Kara set it aside, rubbing her hands over her thighs and setting her phone aside.

“Yeah I’m fine, you weirdo. What are you doing? Your not trying to hack things again are you? Because I think Dairy Queen is still mad at you over that,”

Huffing a little Kara moved her legs out of the way for Alex to join her on the couch. “No, I’m not hacking. I leave that to you and Winn, I was...doing research,” she blurted out, instantly wanting to facepalm.

“Research? Yeah I don’t want to know. So,” shifting a little Alex pulled out the rolled up printed article from the CatCo website from her back pocket. “I thought you might want to see this, since I’m sure the full story is going to print Monday, but I was surprised to see James wrote it, that had to be...awkward.”

Quickly setting her notebook aside Kara eagerly took the page. “Well, we look cute at least, I hope he isn’t too harsh...Lena did make sure to show him up when we were there,” she commented as she finally tore her gaze away from the picture of Lena and herself before reading over the snippet from James’ main article. Truly, it was amusing that this was the snippet, and not about the medical center, but Miss Grant had always said that people cared more about celebrity gossip and Kara figured her girlfriend basically was a celebrity. “Huh, he’s actually...nice. I mean if I had wrote this Snapper would have ripped it up, well I suppose I feel better about him not coming to my game night now,”

“He won’t be jealous forever, plus c’mon. I’m sure deep down you like having them fight over you,” Alex teased, nudging Kara’s leg. “You guys do look good together though, she looks really proud of you, as you do of her. It’s cute. I’m going to guess the diamonds were a gift?” she added in with a highly amused expression.

Smiling softly Kara glanced back at the picture, gently setting the paper on the coffee table before rolling her eyes. “Oh gosh, Alex. You don’t even want to know okay, I was so scared that sometime during the night I was going to trip and the chain would break and I’d have some movie moment where every little diamond would fall out”

“Kara, they are diamonds not pearls”

“Still!” huffing a little, Kara eventually just laughed with her sister before she shrugged a little, handing Alex part of her blanket. “It was good though, over all. Scary at first, the second person we ran into was James of course. And I didn’t know he was even invited, and then Miss Grant showed up...Yeah, Miss Grant was there. Apparently her and Lena are pals? I don’t know but I was very panicked for a moment, but it went well in the end. Plus it was nice having Miss Grant back, we talked for a bit while they were setting up for Lena’s medical center announcement. Oh! And Clark was there, honestly it was like I was just a panic attack ready to happen. I mean I haven’t seen Clark in months and suddenly he’s also where I’m telling the world I’m dating Lena? It was...overwhelming that was for sure. But, Lena was just...perfect as always, she’s so elegant and graceful, and I mean to most people it was probably nothing considering all she’s done, but being able to be the first time I got to see her at that kind of event, it was really cool. I was...and still am really proud of her,”

Fidgeting with her fingers a little Kara glanced over at Alex, catching her amused expression again, which just caused Kara’s cheeks to heat up again. “What?”

“Nothing, you are just smitten. It’s nice to see you happy, you know. Even if none of us could have guessed you’d ever be with Lena Luthor, but I just want you happy Kara, and you seem happy,”

“I am, I really am. It’s...different for both of us but she’s trying and I’m trying and that’s all I can really ask for. Speaking of happy though, how was your weekend with Maggie?”

Perking up Kara couldn’t help her instant smile as she noticed Alex’s slightly dorky smile, it was strange to think they both had girlfriends currently. It wasn’t really ever something Kara pictured when they were younger but she’d admit it was pretty exciting.

“Great, we’re trying this whole domestic approach. Given both of our busy schedules, but..”

“You set the oven on fire again?” Giggling at the playful shove she got Kara just giggled even more when Alex admitted that yes, that had happened and they’d ended up getting take out.

“Oh, I uh, I also may have asked her if she wanted to come on our camping trip...Which I hope is okay, I should have ran it by you first,”

“No, no Alex of course it’s okay! I mean it’ll be fun and I don’t see why you shouldn't invite her. I like spending time with her and I do want to get to know her better, so it is totally okay with me if she joins us.”

“Great...Awesome, I’ll be sure to tell her. Maybe you should invite Lena? Do you think she’d go for it”

Before Alex had even finished her suggestion Kara had snorted and was giggling once more. “I...I don’t know. I mean as amazing and as adorable as it would be to have a girlfriends weekend, I can’t really see Lena roughing it in the woods...I mean you should see her place, it’s like huge. And spotless. Like it looks like she just bought it, every time I go there. But...I mean it would be kind of nice. And I do want her to meet you, formally. Not bickering with each other outside the bar. She doesn’t really like...social things though, which is weird to say considering who she is. But she doesn’t like um...personal social things,”

Nodding in understanding Alex gently squeezed Kara’s calve, giving her a small smile. “Well don’t worry about it, I mean it’s up to you if you’d want to ask her, but I’m okay with her coming and Maggie is as well, she’s actually the one that brought it up. But if she doesn’t want to then no worries, we can find something else to do to meet, like dinner on a private jet or something,”

Chuckling Kara shook her head, being the one to give Alex a small shove this time. “Oh har har. But that does sound nice, I’ll ask her. Who knows she might be a camping Queen!” shifting to sit up Kara fidgeted a little once more before glancing up at Alex. “Thank you...for wanting to include her. I know you still might not be a hundred percent supportive but, it means a lot to me that you at least want to spend time with her,”

“You don’t have to thank me. You’re my sister, and I love you. So I’m going to give anyone you date a chance, Except for those internet match guys, because you were clearly not compatible, I mean what kind of algorithm were those sites even using”

“Thank Rao those didn’t work out. Where do you think we’d be now if they had? I mean I probably wouldn’t be Supergirl,”

“I probably wouldn’t have a girlfriend,”

“Oh yeah! I wouldn’t either,”

“You’re ridiculous,”

Grinning Kara happily hugged her sister, sighing softly in content. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too, dork.”

[holaafrica]

Let It Rain: Crushed Tea – Leaves in My Water http://holaafrica.org/let-it-rain-crushed-tea-leaves-in-my-water/

Let It Rain: Crushed Tea – Leaves in My Water

[Disclaimers: this story is not an endorsement of manipulative, abusive or dysfunctional behaviour. Suicide ideation disproportionately affects people who identify within the LGBTQIA+ gender and sexuality kaleidoscope. This story is not an indictment of people who struggle with ideation but rather an example of how ideation is sometimes weaponized by people who have trouble processing rejection and loss in constructive ways. Content and trigger warning: for intimate partner violence in the form of emotional abuse.] Trigger warning*: self harm, emotional abuse.

“Give me hope, that help is coming, when I need it most.” – Tracy Chapman, ‘Let it Rain’ (2002)

February 14th, 2003 “Do you guys remember when this album dropped? We listened to it like two hundred times,” Laika rolled her head in my direction from her girlfriend’s lap. She was sitting cross-legged on the dirty beige carpet in my lounge and her girlfriend, Leroy, perched on the edge of my maroon, worn-down and holey corduroy sofa, plaited her hair. I was sitting next to Leroy, carefully rolling crushed marijuana in some thin rizzla. All around us the opening chords of Tracy Chapman’s ‘Let It Rain’ filled my untidy little lounge and transported us back to that afternoon in October, 2002 when we’d each bought a copy of the album and come back to my place to play it repeatedly on my cheap hi-fi system. It had been an uncharacteristically overcast day in spring and we’d been cooped up in this flat; smoking joints and munching on Simba chips while analyzing the lyrics and mood of each song on the record. Laika had stretched her long legs out on my carpet – she preferred sitting on the floor to crumpling her tall frame into chairs or sofas – with a 2l bottle of Stoney tucked between her strong, lean thighs nodding her head to the music with her big eyes closed. She had opened her eyes when Tracy sang give me hope that help is coming, when I need it most and blinked away the tears that had gathered in them. “I think I love her,” she declared in a choked, husky voice. Leroy had shaken her head and chuckled but she knew as well as I did that Laika wasn’t the only person in that room moved by Chapman’s earnest plea and lilting voice. Give me hope that help is coming, when I need it most. We hadn’t had to say out loud how deeply those words resonated with each of us. We simply repeated the song until Laika informed us that she was ready to move onto the next track on the record. We had sobered up after a while and sipped on hot cups of tea made with tea leaves and not bags; reflecting on the songs we each liked the most. Laika said her favourite song was Another Sun and Leroy laughed, stating that her girlfriend was too obsessed with death. I said my favourite song was In the Dark and Leroy said of course I loved the only explicitly sexual song on the album. Laika and I demanded to know what Lee’s favourite song was since she had so much to say about everyone else’s preferences. She had walked over to where Laika was sitting on the floor and plopped down beside her, “That’s easy; You’re the One. Coz I really don’t care what anyone has to say about us being a couple, this is my baby,” she said before planting a big wet kiss on her baby’s cheek. As we drifted off later on that evening, we sleepily recalled the line in the title track of ‘Let it Rain’ which had brought tears to Laika’s eyes; give me hope that help is coming, when I need it most and decided it the mst important lyric of the entire album. In the present, Tracy was singing that line for the second last time in the song when I reached onto my coffee table –littered with books and cups with dried up tea bags stuck to the bottom- to retrieve my lighter. I lit the blunt and took a deep drag from it, settling back into the couch and looking at my friends out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t want them to see me watching them. They had been dating for almost three years and we had all been close friends for much longer. Since early high school. We were the only gay kids in our grade, possibly the entire school so we sort of gravitated towards each other as a result. Luckily, we had some shit in common; we played and enjoyed basketball, liked the same subjects, were tall and dark and we all had big, desperate crushes on Tracy Chapman. We had been out of high school for almost four years now but many of those things were still very true. We had also harbored secret inevitable crushes on one another, being the only proudly gay people any of us knew in inner city Johannesburg but Laika and Leroy had developed real life feelings for each other and begun dating when we’d started varsity. Looking at them now, I had the same thought I’d had about them in grade 8; feeling like a beloved third wheel, they were made for each other. Laika was soft-spoken and Leroy while loud and boisterous – the only real tomboy in the group- was a great listener and didn’t mind giving her girlfriend space to voice her thoughts and feelings. Laika hated cooking and Leroy loved making new and deliciously creative things in the kitchen. I knew that Leroy was tired of being with girls that assumed she wanted to do all the work in the bedroom just because she was a bit butch and Laika had often confessed to me that despite her lip-gloss and nail-polish she preferred to be dominant in bed. They balanced each other out tremendously. Laika was in her 3rd year of medicine and Leroy was doing her second last year in pharmacy. They also came from similar homes; they had strained and sometimes volatile relationships with their single mothers. I was the odd ball; graduating the following year with a Bachelor of Arts in English –so I could work as an editor after school- and loving parents who were still happily married. There was also this unbelievable physical compatibility between them. They were the exact same height and the dark brown of their skin was of an identical hue. Laika’s cheek could have been an extension of the thigh it was pressed against. I often wondered what their naked bodies looked like together when they made love. I thought about the two of them making love a lot. I thought about the things they did to each other –which they sometimes shared with me in confidence; Laika liked when Leroy gave her head and Leroy said she appreciated that Laika kept her nails clipped short- sometimes laying wide awake conjuring vivid visions of them in the act. I sometimes wasn’t sure which of them I was in love with more; but I was certain and grateful that they were both mine to love. I passed the already half-smoked joint to Laika but she didn’t seem to mind that I’d hogged it. She took it from me quietly and drew from it. When she held it up for Leroy to smoke, her girlfriend shook her head and waved it away. “Are you not smoking, Lee?” I asked, leaning forward in the sofa and peering into my friend’s face. “Not right now. I want to finish her hair,” Leroy said, not meeting my eye. “What’s your favorite song on the album, Toya?” Laika asked suddenly. “In the Dark,” I responded automatically. They both knew which song I loved best from the album. “Ha! My friend, you really love sex! We should get you a girlfriend so you can get laid!” she exclaimed from the floor. There was something awkward and forced about her cheerfulness. “You know I don’t have time for girlfriends, Laika. Besides I’m already an honorary member of your relationship, where will I find the time or energy to be with anyone else?” I joked. I saw Leroy stiffen and heard Laika’s sharp intake of breath at the same time. I’d unknowingly touched a nerve. I suddenly noticed that there had been a growing tension between the two of them. I knew better than to ask what the matter was because they never let me in on their arguments; at least not while the other was around. I turned to Leroy. “Is your favorite song on the album still You’re the One?” I teased, nudging her in the side. Her reaction made me wish I’d kept my mouth shut. She sniffled and wiped the back of her hand across her top lip. I saw tears well up in her eyes. Her hands stopped the pulling and twisting of Laika’s hair. Instead of protesting Laika cast her eyes downward, avoiding eye contact with both Leroy and me. There was no way I could avoid asking what the problem was at this point. “Is everything alright, you guys?” I enquired as gently as possible. Leroy started sobbing then, out of nowhere. I sat there in shock, just staring at her. I’d never seen her cry that way before. Not even when her mother had kicked her out of the house after one of our high school teachers had outted her as a lesbian. Laika turned her torso around slightly and placed a hand on Leroy’s knee. To my shock and dismay Leroy roughly slapped Laika’s hand away and stood up from the sofa; storming out of the lounge. “What the fuck is going on?” I demanded, looking first at Laika’s tearless but pained face and then in the direction Leroy had just stormed off in. “I messed up, Toy,” Laika said softly. “What do you mean, you messed up?” She opened her mouth to speak but then seemed to decide against it and closed it again. I looked at her with my head cocked to the side; my I demand an answer stance. She shrugged sheepishly. From my run-down hi-fi system, Tracy Chapman sang about how she ought to have been happy to be loved; happy to be with someone who knew and understood her. And all I could think was that these two had that, someone to make them happy; someone who left them unburdened by the thought that they could ever be lonely. “I’ve been having an affair.” Laika whispered over Tracy’s barely audible every time you get close, I just run. I felt like turning the music off and smacking Laika in the face but I felt rooted to my spot on the sofa and too shocked to move. “How long?” I asked, after a long time. “For about four months. It’s this girl I met at school. She’s really amazing. I wanted to tell Lee sooner but…” Laika’s voice trailed off. We both knew what the rest of that sentence entailed. Lee wasn’t an easy person to leave. She often joked that neither of us were allowed to leave her because she wouldn’t be able to survive in the world without us. “So, do you love this other girl?” I said the word ‘other’ in a way that made it clear that I felt every bit as betrayed by Laika as Lee did. Whatever abandonment issues Leroy had, cheating was no way to treat someone you supposedly loved. “I do. She –she makes me happy.” Laika said softly. Some can feel the grace of love, and walk away in disbelief. Tracy wasn’t helping the situation. I shook my head sadly. I wanted Laika to be happy. I wanted them both to be happy. Even if, that meant them no longer being together. I put a hand on one of Laika’s bare shoulders. She looked up at me and there were tears she refused to shed flooding her large eyes. We both seemed to realize at the same time that Lee had been gone for a long time and was eerily quiet in the kitchen. “Let me go check on her,” I said, with a gentle squeeze to Laika’s shoulder. Perhaps it was the weed; but I was oddly unaffected by the sight of Lee slouched against my white kitchen tiles with blood dripping from a cut in her upturned left arm and one of my knives hanging limply from her right hand. I was dry-eyed and only slightly dizzy when I announced what I had seen to Laika and informed her that I would call an ambulance. Laika’s eyes widened and she rushed into the kitchen with a strangled scream. I heard her slip a bit as she dashed into the kitchen and I think she must have fallen because I heard a loud thud before soft whimpering became the only sound coming from the kitchen. It was this whimpering and Tracy singing the opening lines to Goodbye I heard as I relayed that my friend had tried to kill herself in my kitchen to the operator on the other end of the line. May 20th, 2003 We were sitting in an obscure white and turquoise campus café having tea with tea leaves, nibbling on some scones and biscuits and avoiding deep conversation. Laika looked tired and barely smiled. She was thinner than I had ever seen her and her face was stretched taut in an unspoken agony. Leroy seemed high-strung and her cheerfulness was just as forced as Laika’s had been on Valentine’s Day, months before. Every time her neat rows of straight white teeth flashed in a smile I thought about how the white of my kitchen tiles was forever stained pink on the spot where she had hurt herself. I couldn’t help but look at the tiny scar running horizontally across her left wrist from that day. We never spoke about the scar or that day and as far as I knew Laika had broken up with the mysterious other woman she had claimed made her happy. Leroy and Laika were still dating. But something had changed between them since that fateful day. Aside from the fact that they rarely suggested that we hang out in my apartment anymore or that we never spoke about Tracy’s music; the two of them seemed very different from the tailor-made couple I’d coveted for years. Where you once would have been hard-pressed not to find their long limbs draped affectionately around each other regardless of where they were; they barely touched each other now. In fact, every time Leroy made an effort to try and make physical contact with Laika I saw my friend recoil from her lover’s touch as though she feared her. Laika used to laugh at any and all of Leroy’s ridiculous jokes but she bristled in annoyance whenever Lee tried to make her laugh now. It was painful to see them this way. It hurt to think of the fragile state of their relationship. “Are we ever going to talk about what happened?” I asked quietly, my eyes firmly placed on the vast distance between the two of them despite ours being a tiny table which forced closeness. “There are crushed leaves in my water,” Leroy observed in a strained voice. I noticed that she had her left arm placed upwards on the table between her cup and Laika so that every time the other woman looked towards that cup she would see the light brown silky scar running across her lover’s wrist. Laika looked everywhere else but in Leroy’s direction. “Jesus, Leroy. You tried to kill yourself, in my kitchen,” I whispered fiercely, leaning across the table and glaring at her. “I guess you guys don’t find my jokes funny anymore.” She muttered, stubbornly avoiding the topic. But she’d retrieved her arm from the top of the table and slipped it onto her lap when I’d spoken. I saw tears traveling down Laika’s cheeks. Her head was turned away from Leroy and she avoided making eye contact with me. “Can’t you see that you’re hurting her?” I demanded of Leroy. “What about me?” Leroy shot back, her chin trembling now. “Do you think I like knowing she doesn’t love me anymore?” “Of course not, Lee. No one expected you to be happy that she wanted to leave you. But this,” I pointed at the arm that had resurfaced on the table, “this is some abusive shit, dog. You’re holding it over her head that if she tries to leave you, you’ll try to kill yourself again. That’s not fair.” “Whose side are you on Latoya?” Leroy demanded, her eyes flashing angrily at me. I had flashbacks of her temper from back in high school and grew fearful about what Laika had been going through the past few months. Possibly longer. It was difficult to look at Leroy, a woman I had known and loved for years and think about how she may actually have been a person capable of hurting someone she claimed to love. It was difficult to look into her angry eyes now and see that she was also hurt by the accusation in my stare. “I’m not on your side if you’re going to use your love as a weapon Leroy. You know that Malaika and I love you more than life itself. But that doesn’t mean we belong to you. Nor does it mean you can’t survive without our relationships with one another remaining exactly the same.” I said, trying to keep my voice gentle while still being firm with her. She glared at me as tears shot down her cheeks. Then she did something that made me decide there and then that I would have to learn to love her from a distance. She grabbed her tea cup and threw it onto the floor. Then reached down and grabbed one of the shards of broken porcelain and used it to slice into her wrist above the slightly older scar, her eyes boring into mine the entire time. Laika flinched at the sound of the breaking cup and turned at last to look at Leroy. She began shaking when she saw the crimson blood rise up and fall from the cut Leroy had made into her dark brown flesh. She covered her mouth with her hands and started crying in earnest. One of the café’s staff cautiously approached our table with a napkin and first aid kit. She was a girl who didn’t look much older than any of us. Her eyes were gentle and carried more concern than judgment as she carefully removed the bloody shard of porcelain from Lee’s hands and held the napkin against the wound. Lee blinked several times before relenting and allowing the kind waitress to take care of her self-inflicted injury. I looked at Leroy in disgust before getting up from that table. I paused for a moment, waiting to catch Laika’s eye. But Laika was cooing in concern over Leroy’s drama, soothing her by rubbing her hands between her shoulder blades and lower back. I walked out of the café without another word to either of them. When I was all the way out of campus I made the decision to contact my landlady and tell her that I would be moving soon and to call my parents to let them know that I wanted to leave Johannesburg for a little while. At least for as long as it took to forget what Leroy and Laika had taught me about the ugly turns love could sometimes take. February 14th, 2017 I heard their voices before I saw them. And when I looked up to locate the source of those familiar voices I wasn’t surprised to see a pair of tall, handsome and dark skinned women browsing through the children’s section of Mr. Price. I was surprised to notice the way they leaned into each other; comfortable and intimate. Malaika’s head was covered in thick dreadlocks that snaked their way down her back which was almost completely visible from the backless maxi-dress she wore. Leroy’s hair was still in the same neatly cut fade and high-top she’d favored since our varsity days; her body was still lean and strong in the white t-shirt and maroon chinos she had casually dressed in. I was wearing the white shirt my wife had pressed and picked out for me earlier that morning and a pair of straight cut jeans. My own hair was a short salt-n-pepper afro because I couldn’t be bothered to cut my hair all the time or try and maintain a mane of dreadlocks. I didn’t look as tall as I actually was anymore because almost twenty years of my large breasts pulling on my back and shoulder muscles had given me an unintentional slouch and taken a few inches from my stature. Leroy and Laika were just as statuesque as ever. I watched them for a moment longer and was about to turn to leave when the sound system in the store played a song my 10 year old daughter adored. She had been close to the entrance of the store, looking at multi-colored pairs of jeans. She tugged on my sleeve now and wiggled her hips to the song, trying to get me to dance along but I waved my hand at her dismissively, laughing all the same. “I thought it was you!” a voice behind me said. I turned to face Leroy wearily. She looked almost completely the same as the last time I’d seen her almost 14 years ago. Except her face was a little fuller and her eyes were less sad. “How are you, Lee?” I asked, keeping my voice level. “I’m well, Toy. How are you?” she seemed to be searching my eyes for something. “I’m well, too. I see the two of you are still out here causing trouble,” I smiled, looking in Laika’s direction. “Ah well. Yes. Laika’s doing some shopping for her kids and I’m helping her out because she knows nothing about baby dyke fashion.” I was taken aback by how easily Leroy still laughed. It brought laughter to my own throat. I remembered happier times. When I sobered up, I asked the question I assumed I already knew the answer to. “You stayed together and had children?” Leroy laughed again, but this time the sadness in her eyes remained intact. “No. Laika has a wonderful husband with whom she has two wonderful daughters. One of them, Thembi, is definitely a baby dyke. The other one, Ntokozo, might be a dyke too, but she’s more femme than Thembi,” she explained. “Okay enough with labelling my children,” Laika said, appearing at her side with a bunch of clothes and hangers clutched in her arms. She pushed past Lee and gave me a warm hug. “You look lovely, Toy,” she said with a teary smile. “So do you, darling. How are you?” I enquired, searching her eyes for the answers Leroy wasn’t giving me. Lee saw the way Laika and I were looking at each other and sheepishly shuffled away and introduced herself to my daughter. Laika and I started strolling through the clothing stalls and speaking in hushed voices. I was taken aback by what Laika had to say. “It took a long time for us to break up after you left, Toy. Things got really ugly. I know when you left she was bad. But I got bad too. We fought a lot and I cheated a lot and just did everything in my power to make her not love me anymore. Everything except leave. Everyone kept praising us as this perfect, golden couple. We found new circles of friends. Other gay people. Very few of them told us the truth the way you would have. But one day one of our friends did. He reminded me so much of you. He said, ‘the two of you are bad for each other. Leave each other before there’s nothing left to save,” the pain in Laika’s face seemed fleeting. The contentment I’d seen in her smile earlier returned shortly after she briefly let me see everything they had been through. “I got my degree and started my own private practice a few years after that. I lost contact with Lee. On purpose. Before I left I told her to get help. She promised that she would. And she let me go. When she came into my offices a few years ago I was already married with children but I realized I still loved her and had plenty of room for her in my life.” “When I saw the two of you I thought you were back together again. You seemed so close,” I said, shocked at the envy that crept into my voice. “We’re close, definitely. But not in the same ways we used to be.” She said, looking over at Leroy thoughtfully. I wondered if she was wondering whether they could rekindle the kind of closeness they had once shared. “You know, I think she would love to talk to you, Toya. She felt like she really let you down back then,” Laika said, interrupting my thoughts about rekindled intimacy between the two of them. “I won’t lie. I was let down. I was also just scared. I didn’t know if what was wrong with her was also wrong with me you know?” I said; voicing thoughts I had never shared with anyone before. “I also got really scared that people would leave me. I also sometimes got tired of being alive. Lee made all of those things feel all too real.” “I don’t think anyone goes through life not being afraid they’ll lose the people they love or even just feeling a little tired of living. Life is long. But Lee had a kak way of conveying those things. She was manipulative and controlling. She used her pain as an excuse to hurt me. And you. And when I was too broken to leave I started hurting her too. It was a vicious cycle. I’m glad you left when you did. Who knows where we would have wound up if we’d all driven each other crazy,” she laughed wryly. I looked back at Lee and my daughter. They were laughing uproariously. My little one was getting to see the best side of one of the early loves of my life. It felt like a serendipitous moment. I walked over to them and slowly put my arms around Leroy. She hugged me back earnestly. “I am so sorry, Toy,” she whispered. “I know, my friend. I know,” I allowed the rest of my feelings to be conveyed in the way I held her. I was glad that she had changed; that she had healed. I was glad that she was alive and well; here to experience the future with Laika and her family, as well as my own. I was glad that we were here, on the other side of her most likely painful journey, to embrace her and love her, still. I was glad that we could love her in a way that wouldn’t enable her to hurt herself or anyone else no matter how afraid she became. I felt tears cascade down my cheeks as Tracy’s words came back to me. I said a silent prayer that we would always have hope that help would come when we needed it most. And love too. And love too. Mercy Thokozane Minah © The Letter X Publishing House, 2018. You can support my work using this tip service and buy me coffee.

This post was first published on the blog The Letter to X.

Read the entire series of these stories under #LetItRainSeries, published every Wednesday. For all the articles and pieces on #QueeringTheCloak (our series on abuse and violence in queer women communities) click here.

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[lockwoodspecial]

FOR THE OTHER HALF OF BRENNACE,

i’m going to be completely honest when i say that i don’t know how to start this. for someone who loves talking so much ( i know you of all people are aware ), i’m actively finding it hard to know where to begin. can i hit a big cliche right away and go with the whole “holy shit it’s been 4 fucking years”? it’s funny because when i look back on our friendship, it always strikes me how totally and completely by chance it was. sure, i guess all relationships of any kind happen by chance. but there was quite literally next to nothing to tie us together. no one r/pg, no common friends, no mutual follows on personal tumblrs even. and it’s crazy to think what if. what if you hadn’t posted about wanting to do a f/orwood 1x1? what if i hadn’t been looking through the tags? what if we had never messaged each other? what if we hadn’t immediately connected and proceeded to spend hours crying about our kids on c/hatzy together? we started talking literally out of nowhere, and in a way, as ridiculously cheesy as it is, i kind of think it was fate. from that first conversation, we fell into a rhythm we’ve continued every since. we just fit. every single day i am reminded of how fortunate i am to have you in my life, but i also fully believe that the universe knew there couldn’t be a jenn without a bri. and bitch  -----  if you think that’s sappy and lame, i’m only getting started.

these four years have been some of the craziest in my life. between university and then graduating, living by myself for the first time and then adjusting to being back at home, job things and adulting, learning how to drive.....and top that all off with the most random family drama. the more and more things that happened, the more i felt like i was actually growing up and coming into my own as a person. they’re some of the most formative years, you know? stepping away from your safety net and all that. and throughout it all, you have been the one constant that i have always been able to turn to. whether it was that first time on a skype video call and you helping me hang up my map on my wall in my first apartment, to having you on the phone when i had to go to the creepy ass basement to throw out the recycling in my new building, to assuring me i could get behind the wheel and be okay, to teaching me how to fry jalapeños and laughing at me sticking plastic bags on my hands. the most random ass things but in each of those moments? they were big. and i mean then you incorporate 9 hour calls ( gaming or talking about everything and nothing, and yah i’m def averaging bc we’ve been on for way longer multiple times ), you coming with me to or from class and vice versa with you and work, me harassing your family as well as you, talking while you clean for fun ( u freak ), the 293489327589493084 texts and msgs, ton of movie nights..........and then on top of that, include both of us venting about the most random things and getting real at random hours of the night. i’m pretty sure over the span of four years i have talked to you the most out of anyone. and you have been there the most for me out of anyone. big or small, aware or not. i have always been able to count on you, confide in you, laugh with you, cry with you, harass you, grow with you, be a better me because of you. and i don’t know if you’re aware of just how much that means to me. having you as my best friend for these four years has helped shape me into who i am today so much and i am so fkn thankful for it. and always, always for you.

super lowkey but --- you’re kind of my favourite person. as harsh as you can be on yourself at times, because you can be and i know it, i’ll always be here to remind you of the total opposite. you’re one of the most genuine people that i know. you are who you are, you’re completely honest about your values, what you want, your likes and dislikes, your thoughts. and you are such a good person. we can joke continuously about how dark our souls are and stuff but you have one of the biggest hearts that i know. your loyalty to people you care about and to the right thing never wavers, and you will always go to bat for your friends. not to mention that you are a complete angel to people from your family to random strangers, and so, so good in helping out with literally everything ever. i’m not kidding when i say my parents want to adopt you. and on top of that, you are so incredibly talented and you better not doubt it. like dude, for real. the way your mind creates things, be it graphics ( pls hold ur applause at the beauty i made u, and yah i figured we’re gonna get through all our ships eventually ), or the actual poetry that is your writing, never fails to amaze me. i’m so happy i get to experience that with you. but while i could go on and on about how much i love writing with you, i’ll get gay abt that somewhere else i’m sure. you know what else? you have this amazing spirit. not only is it your drive and determination to do things and move forward, but your love to get out and do the most simple things is something that i have admired for so long. i remember when i came to visit you for the first time two years ago. man between roller blading and the movies and the flea market and random stores? we didn’t go wild, but that was one of the best weeks of my life. and that’s just a handful of things. please never, ever sell yourself short. because you’re one of the most incredible people that i know, and i mean it when i say you’re stuck with me telling you that forever.

you are my person. yah yah, you knew i would pull out the grey’s quote eventually. but never have i found something that just seems so much like us. except for this whole concept of ‘drift compatible’ - a bond and understanding between two people that is so deep that it’s kind of like at times they share the same mind ( i had to go find a post you reblogged years ago to get that meaning right and simple ). i like to think that despite all of our differences, because we are two very different personalities, that’s us. you once told me that we have a friendship that you don’t feel like you deserve. there are a lot of times where i feel like i don’t deserve you. you are patient, understanding, caring, supportive, and so, so strong and solid. you always have my back, no matter what. i could be having the shittiest day in the world and want to hate everyone but still want to talk to you. because you always make me happy. and not just in the superficial ways like we can joke around and spend hours watching animal videos or making dumb faces at the camera or weird sounds into the mic. but you know me. you say it and i deny it, but you do. you know me better than anyone and that means the entire freaking world. and you know, we talk about eventually leaving this blue hell and living together with dogs and being a general Mess and i would like to remind you that i am 10000000% serious. this is a thing that’s gonna happen. i trust you more than anyone, i believe in you more than anyone, and i’m gonna continue harassing you more than everyone forever. you are my best friend. you are the best best friend. you are my person, you’re my other half. i love you so, so, so, so much. ( get it, i did four because four years? ) thank you for helping make these four of the best years of my life. thanks for being there with me through it all. thank you for being my best friend. i think i started this gay ass rant with ‘holy shit it’s been 4 fucking years’, but....can you believe it’s only been 4 fucking years? we got our entire lives ahead of us because we’re gonna die together as old ladies probably with you beating my ass in some way. can’t wait to start that trend when i see you in one month and hug you so tight that you’ll punch me. what can i say? i love you, bitch. HAPPY FOUR YEAR FRIENDAVERSARY, HOE!     /     @fierceli

[parchment-and-petrichor]

   Amazing Female Characters Who Aren’t Afraid to Stand Up to The Man

In honour of the women’s rights marches happening in Washington and all over the world today, here’s a celebration of some of my personal favourite kick ass girls in fiction.

The Ladies of Star Wars

It just wouldn’t be a rebellion without mentioning the women of Star Wars. I grew up with Princess Leia as my first hint at how strong and amazing female characters could be and now there are even more Star Wars ladies the latest generations of girls can look up to. Rey and Jyn Erso are both aspirational women who fight for what’s right. And now more than ever, girls need Leia, Rey, and Jyn. They speak up, they fight, they lead against white supremacists, members of an oppressive power group rising to prominence at a scary rate even today. Ladies, we are the rebellion. Pin up your hair, raise your fists, and fight.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Another fighter, Buffy Summers didn’t choose to become a slayer, but she takes the responsibility of protecting Sunnydale from the vampire and demonic population nonetheless. Joss Whedon first wrote her as a response to the dumb blond cheerleader stereotype. Buffy was one of the first mainstream examples of kick ass heroines. Buffy Summers is effectively a superhero. And that’s amazing. She’s allowed to be girly, she’s allowed to enjoy dating, she’s allowed to go out and dance. She’s allowed to be a girl. And when she’s ready to pass on the torch, she doesn’t just empower the next slayer, she empowers an entire generation of girls ready to fight for their world, both in the show and in reality.

The Ladies of Firefly

When asked why he keeps writing strong female characters, Joss Whedon famously said, “because you keep asking that question.” So many writers have stepped up and risen to the occasion since Whedon’s heyday, but at the height of his popularity, Joss Whedon gave us an amazing range of multi-faceted female characters. Kaylee, Zoe, Inara, and River of the Serenity crew are four such characters. Kaylee’s an engineer who loves frilly dresses, Zoe’s a fierce soldier, Inara’s an escort who knows her worth (thank you very much), and River’s a supergenius and a dangerous weapon. They all bring so much to the table and take no nonsense from anyone.

Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

Perhaps the most politically relevant female character to date, Leslie fights tirelessly against political corruption in America while lifting up the women in her life. Her position in the department of parks and recreation puts her in direct opposition to some pretty ignorant, self-interested, idiotic politicians who stand in the way of important progress. It’s not even a subtle stab at the realities of American politics today. But the fact is, with her teeming pile of binders and ceaseless hours spent writing speeches to speak her mind, Leslie gets stuff done. In a stark world where Trump won against Hillary, thank god Leslie Knope eventually becomes president of the united states one day. I look forward to that reality…

The Ladies of Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The amazing thing about about Brooklyn Nine-Nine is its diverse cast of characters. Not only are Terry and Captain Holt two black characters in positions of authority in the police force, but Amy Santiago and Rosa Diaz are both Latina women. Similar to Leslie Knope, Amy’s a nerdy binder wielding do-gooder, while Rosa is a no-nonsense badass. Both are pretty damn good police officers. Together, they fight crime. And let’s not forget Gina Linetti, who, you know, is better than you.

Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games

Say what you will about Jennifer Lawrence and the film adaptation of the Hunger Games series, but I stand by the fact that Suzanne Collins knew exactly what she was doing when writing this series. She wrote The Hunger Games as a response to real life instances of war such as Iraq and Vietnam and the result was the first instance I’ve ever seen of YA literature addressing PTSD and the horrors of war head on. There is so much going on in this series which gets closer and closer to the real world each year. The censorship and media sensationalism as well as capitalist corruption sets a mirror up to the face of modern society which refuses to get it. Katniss Everdeen is a reluctant face of rebellion, but she fights because she has no choice, because she is at the bottom of the totem pole while the upper classes take advantage of her and the lower classes for their entertainment and comfort. Take a look at Suzanne Collins’ work and take notes. Because this’ll be our reality soon enough. Let’s teach our girls to fight for their rights like Katniss did. Soon enough, they may not have a choice.

Mina Harker, Dracula

In a male dominated 19th century narrative, Mina’s stuck in a hard place. But she’s an example of where the fight for women’s rights come from. Mina’s what was referred to as a bluestocking, that is, a middle class woman who chose to take on secretarial work instead of taking up her position in the home. It was the first stirrings of women’s choice to support themselves and the precursor to the suffragette movement. There’s a lot of outdated rhetoric going on in Dracula from gay panic to emasculation and xenophobia, but at the heart of the novel stands a woman who gets stuff done when the men are rendered completely useless under Dracula’s thrall. When the men are all falling apart, Mina’s there, typing up notes for everything surrounding their fight against the big bad that will eventually lead to Dracula’s defeat. Mina’s subtle strength in the novel begs the question, where would men be without us pulling the strings in the background?

The Ladies of Six of Crows

A very recent addition to my list, Leigh Bardugo brings us Inej and Nina, who could not be more different from each other. Both are members of a dangerous band of outcasts. They call Inej the Wraith, for her climbing stealth and Nina, the Heart Renderer, for her ability to manipulate heart-rates. These girls could kill anyone in a moment’s notice and still have time to dream wistfully about sharing brunches full of waffles and chocolate strawberries. Bardugo’s bringing something else important to the table in making sure her readers know Nina’s a big girl. Fat’s no longer a bad word and Bardugo makes certain the girls reading this series know that.

Mako Mori, Pacific Rim

There are a lot of fun things going on in Pacific Rim, but Mako clinches it for me. She’s another lady placed in a male-dominated environment. In a reality where giant Godzilla-like monsters are  wreaking havoc on the world, there are shockingly few women stepping forward to power the giant robots built to fight them. And just when people think she’s not strong enough to step up to the occasion, she proves everyone wrong. Not only that, but the men in her corner encourage her to do so. Raleigh and Mako’s tag-team relationship works so well because they’re compatible without romance getting in the way. They’re drift compatible because they are equals and Raleigh delights in this knowledge. And hey, they save the world together. So who says men and women can’t work together for a bigger cause? Let’s lean into this gender equality a little more. Women’s strength is an asset.

Who are some of your favourite female characters? Which fictional ladies inspire you?

[datingadviceonreddit]

Apologies in advance for the wall of text!I (34m) separated from my wife of only 11 months nearly 4 months ago, though we were together for 8 years total. The separation has been fairly mutual and amicable, we both sort of agreed that we got married largely in part to family pressure and because "it's what we were supposed to do" after 7 years.To be honest, we'd both kind of been going through the motions for the last 5 years or so because it was easier and more comfortable to do that than admit we just weren't compatible and deal with the trauma of the breakup.I changed careers in January of this year and am making way more money than I ever have and working a normal 9-5 schedule, driving a nicer car, and other than my failed marriage, my life has never been better. She was and is a restaurant manager working 60+ hours a week, and we pretty quickly drifted apart when our schedules no longer allowed us to spend much time together other than when we were asleep.She slept with a coworker less than 3 weeks after she left to stay at a friend's house when we decided to separate, and is now "dating" this guy on the DL, according to her (she likes to pretend her coworkers/employees don't know, but they're my friends too, and they do). Obviously, that's something I'm not sure I can ever forgive and that also shows me that she checked out of our relationship a long time ago.It helps to add context that my state requires a couple to be legally separated for a year before filing for divorce, otherwise I probably would have done so already. I grieved the loss pretty hard for 2 months, but the combination of therapy, lack of contact, and having my own living space back have really put my unhappiness with her and our relationship into perspective. I'm not totally "over it" yet, that will take more time, but then there's the situation playing out over the last month.Anyway, I was hanging out with friends at our favorite quiet bar about a month ago and ran into a woman whom I've known from around our small town and social circle since before I'd even met my STBXW. I've had a bit of a crush on her since I'd met her around 12 years ago. It was hard not to: she's a beautiful, intelligent, driven woman who is lots of fun to be with and is also 6 years older than me, one of those who in the past made me feel like a scared little boy whenever she'd talk to me. Well, now I'm older, in better shape, have a pretty good career in the making, and am generally just better off as a person. I didn't make much effort to be friends with her before other than when bumping into her around the social scene, because of the attraction I had to her and didn't want to feel as if I was somehow being unfaithful to my GF/wife.While hanging out with a group of friends at this quiet bar, she and another mutual female friend mentioned a wine dinner they and a gay friend of ours were going to, and casually asked if I wanted to go. I said yes, and "crush" gave me her number under the pretext of getting more info for the dinner., knowing full well that I already knew how to get in touch with the other two. Later, when I was about to go home and had had just enough alcohol to give me a little confidence boost, I asked her if she wanted to go out sometime. She replied with, "You already have my number, don't you? I guess you'll just have to call and find out."The thing is, she is culinary director who works crazy hours and says she doesn't really have time for a relationship or serious dating, but she's been telling me that she is over it and is putting in her letter of resignation next month so she can cool down on work and go back to school full-time to get her Master's, something she gave up on years ago due in part to her own long-since-divorced marriage (I think it was in her 20's, but haven't exactly pushed the subject).Since then, she's been texting me a few times a week at random times to have long conversations, and has been inviting me to come hang out at that same bar two or three nights a week after work, where we both just kind of work on our laptops while sitting thigh-to-thigh and then hang out with our mutual friends. Any time I text her about an actual "date" she won't reply for a few hours up to a day, and then it's an invite to hang out at the same bar, where I know we will spend an hour or two alone together before other mutual friends start showing up. When I can, I do, and there we are again sitting thigh-to-thigh, shooting flirty glances and being very touchy-feely (this continues after the friends show up). My best friend pulled me aside the other night and asked me if there was something going on between her and I and all I could tell him was, "I really don't know. We've been talking a lot and hanging out, but aren't dating or hooking up." She doesn't ask me to buy her drinks, or in any other way make me think she's gold-digging (she makes perfectly good money and is very independent), but so far our interactions have just consisted of this very close-quarters flirting and long text conversations.My theory is that she is genuinely too busy for any kind of dating or relationship at this point, combined with the fact that I am so recently separated, and she just wants to hang out for a while and test the waters without escalating things to the point of developing too much intimacy. The only wanting to hang out at that one bar is, I think, her way for us to be close and flirty, but not risk having things escalate to more intimate kissing or sex since our friends are always around.I really do like this woman, would like to get to know her more, and am willing to take things slow. OTOH, I worry that it might be too soon for me to be thinking about having any kind of relationship or dating anyone, I've been spending the last 4 months working on myself and my career, and I really like the positive changes I've made to my own mental and physical state in the time since my separation.This woman is definitely one I would never have thought would show me the kind of attention she has, so that has been a huge confidence boost, and I'm wondering whether I need to be more direct in asking her what is going on between the two of us? I definitely don't want to end up "friend-zoned", but I also don't want to give her the impression that I'm only interested in her as a rebound.Any advice out there for how I should handle this situation? via /r/dating_advice