#we did cheers with our tea and support water bottles

[halsteadsass]

happy one week since I got to talk to melissa with my friends and I still can’t believe it. I LOVE HER SO DAMN MUCH!!!

[ddosie]

# 2 and soobin for the prompt please!

you wouldn't say you were the sentimental type.

things came and went. kids grew into adults. that was just how life was. people grew apart, sometimes closer, and it was all expected.

you just never thought you would have to face it yourself.

it was a problem that you had only read about in story books. the handmaiden watches the price she fell in love with get married. she moves on. the king lets go of the memories of his favorite knight. he moves on. the queen loses her son, her only son. she moved on.

they all moved on. so why couldn't you?

"class! class! let's start this school year by introducing ourselves! i'll go first. my name is ms. hilton, and i'm your english teacher for this year! i've worked at this school for a long time now, and i can't wait to teach all of you kids!

okay, now that i've done my introduction, shall we go along the classroom and introduce ourselves? starting from you sir, yes you with the white and black sneakers. please start by telling us your name and a fun fact about yourself."

you watched as the said boy stood up, pushing his hair back with his hand.

"uh... hi everyone, i'm soobin, and one fun fact about me is i went to Europe this year."

as the next person got up to introduce themselves, you found yourself staring at him.

jeez, he was tall for a middle schooler.

the sun is filtering through the blinds in your room, and rays of light are being painted across the walls. everything is a golden color, from the desk to the bedside.

"so... what topic are we choosing for this project?" you watched through the lens of your glasses as soobin furrowed his brow.

"do you think, maybe aristotle?" you nodded your head eagerly, so soobin stood up and walked over to the teachers desk. a second later he sent you a thumbs up.

"aristotle it is."

you twirled your pen in your fingers as soobin took a seat. "hey do you want to work on the project with me over the weekend? i know a really good café...?"

there was a small smile on your face, and you nodded.

"yeah sure, what time?"

you got up from your chair, grabbing a camera. in this lighting, the room was just too pretty to not take a picture of.

"y/n, for someone of that height, there is no reason you should be walking that fast."

you sent a small smile to the long-legged boy trying to catch up with you in the hallway.

"if you don't want to be late to class bin, you're going to have to put those legs to work."

you let soobin catch up with you, and you slowed down your pace from thereon so the two of you could walk side by side. soobin pointed at the trophy shelf.

"do you think we'll win this year too? i hope we do, yeonjun promised a party at his house if we get placed first."

you gave soobin a reassuring pat on his arm.

"you'll be finneee... if you win, i'll take you out to icecream after."

the boy turned to look at you, a smile creeping into his eyes.

"really?"

"really."

fiddling around with the camera, you brushed the light dust that had collected on the top off. you watched as the particles were swept away, dancing in the dying sunlight.

"we should do this every year."

you turned to look at soobin lying next to you, ice-cream sandwhich in one hand, while the other was tucked behind him, supporting his head. he was looking above, admiring the night sky.

"you mean climb some random apartment stairs to get to rooftops? and risk our lives every season game to see a different view of the city at night?"

soobin let out a small laugh. "yeah, well when you put it that way, it does sound bad." you smiled, lying down with your own ice-cream sandwich, propping an arm under your head.

"...i meant the icecream tradition. you'll be there for my next season game, right?"

now it was your turn to admire the night sky.

"of course. i wouldn't miss it for the world"

grabbing a tissue, you went to work at the camera, cleaning dust from all crevices and corners of the lenses. you were surprised. when was the last time you had even taken a photo on this thing?

"hey bin, what's up?"

grabbing your phone and placing it on your desk, you made yourself comfortable, ready for any facetime tea he would spill.

"ah, y/n..." you watched as he ran a hand through his hair from the other side of the screen. "i don't think... i don't think i'll be able to make it to your birthday this year."

there was a quiet silence. you felt like you'd been punched in the gut.

"if i can ask, um, why?" you fiddled with the hem of your hoodie, waiting for an answer.

"the schedules for the basketball game lineups just came out, and the final season game is happening on your birthday. i just wanted to tell you in case we do win that far and i won't be able to come."

you decided to smile at the way soobin had said just in case they win. the two of you were in your sophomore year, and he hadn't lost a game since middle school.

"yeah, don't worry about it soob. we can still get icecream after."

you felt a turn in your stomach when the boy gave you a relived smile, running a hand through his hair again.

"that's all i wanted to say, i've got to go now"

"hm? why?"

"chem tutoring. these freshman are horrible at science."

adjusting the camera, you zoomed in on random objects in your room. the bookshelf. your water bottle. the lamp. click. click. click.

“did you hear? that senior yeonjun will be throwing a bigger party than last year! are you going y/n?”

you shrugged. “when is it?”

“I think it‘ll be this saturday.”

"can’t. I’ll be out of town”

"for what?

“college. I sent an early application, and one of them reached out and wants me to tour the campus. if i go, I’ll have a guaranteed spot next year, and I probably won’t have to apply to any others.”

your friend let out a low whistle and patted your head.

"well when you put it like that, I guess you really can’t go… but maybe we could get something after the game? i heard the ice cream place was still open”

just like that, a mere sentence felt like a silent punch to the gut.

you looked away from your friends face, scanning the cafeteria unknowingly. you were met with the view of a senior tussling soobin's hair, an arm slung across his neck. you could hear their loud conversation even from where you were sitting.

"you coming to my house after the game? me and the guys we're planning to get some icecream and stay over at my house for the night."

you thought you saw something flash in soobins eye's before he smiled, nodding in agreement.

abruptly standing up, you tossed an apology to your friend about how you wouldn't be able to make it and you had just remembered you had some important emails to send. you didn't want to be around when the words of confirmation came out of his mouth itself.

so much for a flash. the last time you had icecream with him was two years ago.

adjusting the lens once more, you caught your eye on a ticket stuck between two books on your desk. you slowly pulled it out. it was blue and grey, your school colors. there was a hole punched on the bottom, indicating it was used.

"and it's the last two minutes of the game, and hybe high is in the lead! if they can make this basket, it will guarantee a regional win for the school. oh! there goes hyunjin... passing to donghyuck who... also just passed to eric who, jeez, passed to soobin...! look at that! look at that!! we are in the last minute everyone, and if captain of hybe high makes this basket, like i said they will be the regional winners!!"

you let the sound of the announcer wash over you, leaning forward in your seat to watch the game.

for some reason you kept coming back. to this gym. to the basketball games.

to soobin.

it had been over a year since the two of you had really talked, the last icecream run being well over three years ago (a promise to go before your birthday was conveniently broken), and the last facetime was to ask for calculus answers.

you knew that you had faded out of the life of the star basketball player.

you just couldn't accept it.

"and soobin gets closer to the rim... oh! it looks like taehyun from bighit acadmy is a pretty good blocker... anyways look at him go! we have twenty second left, and even if he doesn't score hybe is still in for a win... okay, okAY?? WAIT WHAT!! WHAT!!"

there's a loud screech of the intercom that mixes with the cheers of the crowd. you found yourself on your feet, fists pumping in the air in celebration alongside the students in the bleachers despite yourself.

"AND CHOI SOOBIN SECURES THE PLACE OF HYBE HIGH IN DISTRICT REGIONALS!! ONCE AGAIN THE ACE HAS TOPPED EVERYONE AND BRANG HIS TEAM TO VICTORY!!"

you held the ticket tenderly. on the backside was stamped senior, a marker that counted as a discount for the upperclassmen that wanted to watch the game. flipping it over again, you felt a wave of something hit your stomach as you took in the grey and blue.

"hey y/n, wait up!"

you whipped around at the sound of an all too familiar voice.

there, stood soobin, in all his six foot and one inch glory.

"you.." he panted, hands on his knees as if he had run a million miles. "you walk too fast. what's the rush? you were cheering for me so loudly."

there was that feeling again. of being punched in the gut. by that invisible hand that seemed to favor your stomach whenever soobin was around.

"ah, you know... just getting home."

you tried not to stare too long. soobin had grown, matured. the baby face he donned as a middle schooler was gone, only his dimples a reminder of the childhood smiles you shared together.

"you're not... going anywhere? going straight home?"

you gave him a small smile. "...yeah. i'm going soon, so i really need to pack. good game though! you really did good this time around."

"going soon... to where y/n? are you taking a road trip without me?" you sensed a wary tone under his teasing words. three years apart, and this was the news you would have to tell him. curse the fates.

"yup! im, ah... moving cross country. i got accepted a while back."

you could already see the question in his eyes. how far? which major? on campus or near?

why didn't you tell me?

there was a moment of silence while you rocked back and forth on your heels. soobin pushed his hair back, looking into your eyes.

the heaviness of a thousand unanswered questions weighed in the air.

"so... want to catch up over icecream?"

as you held the basketball ticket from senior year, you realized three things.

one: you were the sentimental type. you clung onto old memories and good times like they were life jackets, keeping you afloat in the mundanity of your new life.

two: you didn't really like the idea of always moving on. it seemed so easy in the story books, that after a couple years the queen goes back to her ordinary life, the king appoints a new knight, and the princess finds someone she truly loved. but was there a time where you would just stop caring? was there a day you would wake up and didn’t think about what could have happened, the if only’s and what if’s?

three: you couldn't move on. you prided yourself on being able to move faster, walking a pace before everyone else. life was a journey, and you were going places. quite literally. you were floating when everyone was sinking.

but you were only floating because you had your life jacket.

...

things came and went. kids grew into adults. that was just how life was. people grew apart, sometimes closer, and it was all expected.

you clutched the ticket in your hand, the end slightly wrinkled by your fingers.

you just never thought you would have to face it yourself.

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #11

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Delicious Recipe

I would soon be at an age where I could envision my 50’s. My only daughter was a college student. I didn’t think of myself as too much of a passionate clerk, but I was fond of my current job at a mass retailer. Said shop was on the line of so-called “luxury supermarkets” in a way, so it had many products that weren’t available at supermarkets in my neighborhood, which meant stocking shelves was a hassle, but it was fun to look around. It had things such as assortments of high-quality cheeses or pouches of cold soup called vichyssoise. Since the shop was within walking distance of one of the largest stations in Tokyo, its clientele was diverse and there were many first-time customers, but on the other hand, that was exactly why it was so easy to remember the face of repeating customers.

“Hmmm...”

The young man glaring at the syrup shelf for a while now, who seemed old enough to be a university student, was actually a regular customer as well. Said regular – who stood out like a sore thumb in this shop, which had an overwhelming elderly customer base – always asked for simplified receipts. The name on them was “Jewelry Etranger”. Must be from a jewelry store. I believed him to be about as old as my daughter.

He was pacing back and forth in front of the shelf. Even though he usually came to buy snacks such as youkan and cookies, he was groaning in front of the cocktail syrup shelf today. Was it for private use instead of an errand? While I was staring at him, our eyes met, and with an apologetic face, he came over to my counter. There were no other customers.

“Hum, excuse me.”

As I welcomed him with a “yes, what might it be?”, he asked for a strange piece of advice.

“I want to make melon soda.”

“Haa.”

“The kind that you can quickly make into cream soda, with vanilla ice cream floating on top...”

“Haa.”

Then wouldn’t it be all right if he just bought the melon-flavored shaved ice syrup and carbonated water over there and mixed them in the appropriate proportions?

Before I could say this, he cut off, a crease rippling between his brows as he furrowed them, “I want it to be tasty. Very tasty.”

“Haa.”

A tasty melon soda. A very tasty one, no less. What kind of melon soda would that be?

I fumbled around my memory for the latest experience I had with a melon soda. The last time I had gone to a fast food was when my daughter was about ten years old. It had already been quite a long time. But I didn’t think there were any revolutionary changes in taste since then. It was carbonated, green and simply sweet. It didn’t have the same variety as tea or coffee. As if pressed with a stamp, melon soda was just melon soda. It was different from those confusing flavored-tea leaves.

He had actually already bought the melon syrup, he told me. But no matter how he changed the proportion of carbonated water, it didn’t have enough of a punch to it.

“I did some research at bars about how different the taste was from the melon sodas that we drink out there, but I kind of couldn’t tell... I think it might be best if I mix it with something. That’s why I’m looking for syrup, hmmm...”

With the exception of standard syrups for shaved ice, all syrups we handled were meant for cocktails. Bottles of vivid colors, in flavors such as apricot and mint, were lined up there. But I didn’t know whether any of them could be the secret ingredient for melon soda. The prospects were dim.

For starters, why had he decided to make something so troublesome by hand? To the point he was thinking of purchasing a bottle of syrup that was by no means cheap.

Of course, I didn’t say such things in front of the customer, but as if seeing through my hesitation, he smiled, as though a bit embarrassed. “No, hum, I have a friend who likes cream soda. She will be coming to the shop I work at one of these days... so I wanted to surprise her. Ehehe,” he laughed, looking happy.

I would guess that I did nothing but blink silently for a moment. It was an astonishingly good motive. I didn’t know what kind of friend she was or what kind of shop she would be visiting, but if nothing else, she seemed to be someone important to him.

If it were me, that would probably become a memory to last a lifetime.

A secret ingredient for a sweet juice. What suddenly crossed my mind was a time when my daughter was still little. A time when she caught a cold. I once made her a sweet juice when she didn’t want to take her medicine. I had a memory of being troubled as she was reluctant to drink water, saying it was painful. This had happened either in September or October, so there was still some leftover shaved ice syrup from the summer in our fridge. Making sugared water using it as colorant apparently gave it a special vibe, so she cheered up and drank it. Was it just sugared water? Hmm, if I wasn’t mistaken, in order for it to feel refreshing in the mouth, I had added—

“Ah, lemon juice.”

“Eh?”

“Mr. Customer, I’m not a bartender or anything, so I might be giving a wrong guess, but...”

Lemon went surprisingly well with sugared water.

As many cocktail recipes had lemon juice in them, I believed it strained the flavor that tended to unilaterally turn into “sweetness”. I didn’t think there was freshly squeezed lemon in the melon sodas of fast food shops, but if he was in pursuit of tastiness, wasn’t it a possibility?

When I told him this, he looked at me with a happy face, bowing his head with a “thank you very much”. And so, when he was about to leave the store without buying anything, he came back as if remembering something, lining up in front of the register and buying a package of specialty cookies from a certain place. When I was about to make the receipt, he told me he didn’t need it today, so I could tell it was his own pocket money.

“Really, thank you so much,” he said with an uplifting face, and this time, he exited the shop for good.

I didn’t think the suggestion I gave him warranted such consideration, and yet, what a proper child he was. His mother certainly must be happy to have a son like that, I thought, but afterward, I changed my mind, as he might surprisingly not be like that at home. My daughter, too, was an unfettered general at home, but the boyfriend that she discreetly brought over at the end of the previous year said some dreadful things about her, such as that she was a “refined young lady”. I thought they wouldn’t last for long, but it seemed they were still dating. It might be that people possessed many sides, just like those stylistic syrup bottles. Like the gemstones sold in jewelry shop. And he had showed me a wonderful, brightly shining side of his.

As a clerk, I wished from the bottom of my heart that his peculiar act of hospitality would go well.

   On Thursday morning, while I was extremely busy with stocking items, someone called to me with an “excuse me”. Even though I wished people wouldn’t talk to me at times like these, I couldn’t let it show on my face. When I turned around with a “yes, what might it be?”, my facial expression froze up. A blond, blue-eyed man was standing there. He was such a beautiful man that you’d end up asking yourself if it was okay to be breathing the same air as him. My face stiffened. He was speaking in fluent Japanese.

“Do you have canned cherries?”

“Eh, hah—aah, cherries?”

“Cherries. I need them urgently,” he said with a sour face.

Whatever might be the situation that required such a pretty young man, who looked like he had fallen from Heaven, to purchase canned cherries, it was beyond me. Anyway, with a manner of walking that looked like a frantic penguin, I guided him to the canned fruits corner and bowed with an “it’s this way”. He smiled as if relieved, leaving me floored.

“Much obliged.”

You’d think of it as an ordinary expression, but it was difficult to describe this with any word other than “bombshell”. His smile was like the glowing summer wind. As a result, you’d find yourself wondering about even unnecessary things, such as if this person had lived a life full of hardships. Was he an actor? Could be a model. His beauty was so removed from this transient realm, so I couldn’t think he was someone from the same world as myself. If a person like him were playing the hero in a tragic drama, I had the feeling that the audience would be a bit turned-off. As in, wouldn’t the role of charismatic villain suit him better? After a brief moment of escapism from reality, I came back to my senses and returned to stocking the items.

Once the checkout of the canned cherries was finished at the register, the elegant man left the shop while cursing someone’s carelessness with an “honestly, that heedless guy,” using a word that even a Japanese person seldom would.

At that moment, for some reason, the figure of that regular customer boy suddenly surfaced in my brain. The one who had told me he wanted to make melon soda. The kind that could quickly be made into cream soda, with vanilla ice cream floating on top. Melon-flavored soda aside, if you wanted to make a cream soda, the cherry was the last thing you should forget - that was what I had always been thinking, but unfortunately, he hadn’t showed up in the shop yet ever since then. Well, someone who had been so obsessed with the melon flavor probably wouldn’t do something like forget about the cherry, but there were instances such as the blond Onii-san of today. If he ever showed up again, I would make sure to mention the cherries.

On that day’s afternoon, I finally gave it a thought, and just as I was going home, I went into a family restaurant for the first time in ten years, and while tasting an awkward embarrassment, I ordered a cream soda. I had actually been wanting to drink it all this time ever since I saw him. My first cream soda in a while had the painfully sweet flavor of childhood.

[cibeewastaken]

May you write some trans draco and supportive boyfriend harry fluff??😄💙💙

thank you for the prompt! I’ve never written trans characters before, and although I did research beforehand, if there is anything I got wrong or if I have written anything disrespectful, let me know and I will change it. Thank you to Shahar and Solana from the Drarry Discord that did a sensitivity read over this, and @pineau-noir for the beta!! thank you all!

2680 words. Professor drarry, coming out, getting together & established relationship, smitten Harry

Also: brief misgendering (not maliciously, toward the beginning), off-screen transphobic comment (toward the end, it is not explicitly written out), discussion of pregnancy. 

Read on Ao3

****

Draco decided to come out because he dreamt of his mother. 

It was on his thirty-fifth birthday, when he had gone out to Hogsmeade with Harry, Pansy, Greg and Granger the night before and drank themself silly. Weasley had moaned and cried about wanting to come but it was his turn to babysit. Draco had gotten so pissed that Harry had to carry him all the way back to Hogwarts and shushed him constantly when they got to the professor’s quarters because Draco had really wanted sing All About That Bass. Harry had to help him to bed and Draco had begged Harry to make him a cup of hot chocolate

That night he dreamt, as he was wont to do after drinking bottle after bottle of whiskey and falling asleep in that too warm state of being under layers of blankets and a belly full of hot drinks. He dreamt of the memory of sitting beside her bed moments before she died, trying to work up the courage to tell her; almost ran out the door to where Harry was waiting, and asked him for tips on how to be a brave person. But before he could come to any decision, his mother sighed, “I love you, my sweet, brave girl.” And the next moment, Draco had lost his chance. 

He woke up, ten years later, wishing desperately again he could have told his mother. 

Draco told Harry his decision the same day of the dream. Harry sat in the plush armchair in Draco’s room, watched Draco pace about with a cup of piping hot tea cradled in his hands. He listened intently to Draco going on and on, “I just woke up this morning, and I knew I was ready. I mean—okay, even if I am, how will I go about it? Write a public letter? An announcement during breakfast in the Great Hall? No, no, that’s the showman in me talking. Ah—should I ask for the Headmistress’s permission? I—”

Harry only cut him off then. “You shouldn’t have to,” he said. “You can just inform her, if you want.”

Draco softened. Blushed. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, you’re right.” He went and sat down on the other armchair, Harry’s eyes followed him with a fond smile.

“How about in class?” Draco asked.

“That certainly is when you are the most confident.” Harry smiled at him. “I think it’s a great idea.”

“You’re not going to talk me out of it?”

“I would never do that,” Harry said. “But can I ask why now?”

“‘May I ask’,” Draco corrected. 

Harry gave him a look. Draco laughed before talking. “I’m ready. I want to stop hiding. I want to talk about my experience. I want to come out on my own terms, and I don’t want to leave any regret. Merlin, do you remember after the war, the amount of therapy we all did? It wasn’t until years later did I feel like I was healed enough from the war to talk about my gender identity with a professional. We had talked about coming out, or transitioning, and I had said I would like to come out when I’m happy again.”

Harry listened with a happy smile on his face. “You’re happy now,” he said.

Draco reached over and tucked a stray hair behind Harry’s ear. “I was scared of coming out when I told her that, that’s why I said I would only do it when I’m happy again. I had thought I would never be happy again.” He left his hand on Harry’s face. “I’ve been happy for a while now. I’ve been so comfortable with happy, that I needed my mother’s death to remind me at one point, I wasn’t.”

“It sucks that it took so long.”

“It took longer for you,” Draco murmured. Harry just smiled and pressed a kiss to Draco’s palm. 

They allowed the comfortable silence to go on for a bit, but soon Draco started to fidget. “I know I’m hiding it incredibly well, but I am a bit frightened.”

Harry didn’t say, “You don’t have to do it right now if you’re not ready.” Because of course that went without saying. Though he did say, “I’ll be with you through it all.”

Ah, but that was stupid too, because that also went without saying in Draco’s opinion. Harry had always been there for him, throughout the years of teaching apprenticeship in Hogwarts and through studying for their Magical Academic Skills for Educators and through their first classes as professors. Harry was the first person he came out to after his friends in Eighth Year. So, Harry needn’t say he would be with Draco through everything! It was a given—Draco wanted to accuse Harry of saying it just to see Draco blush.

In the end, Draco just muttered a lame, “Thank you.” 

Then all too soon, Harry had to leave for his first class, and he lingered by Draco’s door. “Do you want to take dinner with me in my room? Or your room? Or just, somewhere without a whole school worth of children?” 

Draco knew he was wearing a dopey and besotted grin on his face, but this relationship was new, and he had daydreamed about it for years. As suave and gentlemanly as he had imagined himself in his head, sweeping Harry off his feet with charm, he really couldn’t bring himself to pretend he wasn’t stupidly happy.

“That sounds lovely,” he said. And a grin broke out on Harry’s flushed face too. Draco couldn’t help but press a kiss to Harry’s cheek before sending him on his way.

Draco loved how shy and eager Harry was about this. With sixteen years of friendship under their belt, when Harry asked Draco out a month ago. Harry had been tripping over every word, and it had taken Draco nearly five minutes to figure out Harry was asking him out. 

“Oh,” Draco had said. He had been standing by his door, seeing Harry off like they do almost every night. “Oh!”

Harry had flushed down to his neck. 

“Yes,” Draco had replied in a hurry. “Oh my god—yes.”

“Yeah?”

Draco had nodded, willing his face to stay calm.

“Cool,” Harry had said. Another word choice he picked up from the students. “I’ll—er, I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven, then?” 

“Okay.”

Draco had decided he would stay and watch Harry go, and it was rewarded with Harry stopping every two steps to turn around and look at Draco until he reached the staircase. Draco had listened to Harry’s footsteps fading down the stairs and grinned at nothing. And he had laughed when he heard Harry’s jubilant shout from afar. 

Draco also remembered how later that night, as he finally stumbled back to bed, how he lay there for hours, indulging himself on playing out being Harry’s boyfriend—and berated himself for acting like a teenager. Not that it stopped Draco from doing it. 

When Draco’s daydream entered the “Marriage” chapter, he remembered how Harry always wanted children, and that was like falling into a pit of icy water. Draco tried to shake himself off the tightness, tried to stop himself from imagining his body becoming a reminder of a gender he long left in the past. Draco tried to stifle the nausea.

He could very well just forget about it. They hadn’t even been on their first date yet. Children seemed so far into the future. But the nagging feeling wouldn’t leave Draco alone. What if it was a deal-breaker for Harry? Draco had loved Harry for so long, he wasn’t sure he wanted to go through a heartbreak Draco knew could be potentially ruining. 

At half-past one, Draco climbed out of his cocoon of blankets and trekked to Harry’s room a few floors below. Harry opened the door in his pajamas and messy hair. “Why aren’t you asleep yet?” Draco said, and wanted to jump off the castle right after the words left his mouth.

The incredulous look on Harry’s face was deserving, Draco supposed. “Is something wrong?” Harry asked, pulling Draco into his warm room.

Draco swallowed. “Do you expect me to carry your child, if this goes somewhere?”

A few seconds went by and Harry remained gaping at Draco. 

“I know some people do it,” Draco continued on. “I know they’re okay with it. But not—not me. I don’t know if I’ll ever go through a transition. Oh, you know that, yes, I forgot I told you that before. I’m happy with myself, but if that means you’ll expect me to carry our children—I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“What is going on?” Harry seemed to be talking to himself. “You do not need to apologize for that! And I—Jesus, are we talking about children? I mean, I’ve thought about it, because I’ve been in lo—ngk, I mean, I always wanted kids—Yes, I know you know! But I never thought about that, Draco. I know you don’t want to. I would never ask that of you!” He sounded distressed. 

They were both panting. “Good,” Draco said. “I just want us to be on the same page.”

“I always wanted to adopt,” Harry said.

“Oh.” Draco looked to the floor. “You never said.”

“I would’ve told you someday.”

“Is today someday?”

“It can be.” Harry smiled softly at Draco, who was now feeling very flustered from being reckless and Gryffindor-like and barging in to demand answers in the middle of the night. 

“I guess it makes sense,” Draco said. “That you would want to love a child that needs it. Ah, is that insensitive of me to say?”

Harry dragged him into a crushing hug. 

***

It took Draco a few days to gather up enough courage. In the end he chose the second-year Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw class as his first step. While everyone had finished setting up their cauldrons and tools, Draco cleared his throat.

“I need to tell you all something.”

***

The second-years took the news with wide-eyed exhilaration, shouting encouragement and cheers to the point Draco couldn’t hear his own voice anymore. “That’s why I picked them to go first,” Draco told Harry after class, when he came over to ask how it went. “They’re a bunch of sweethearts and I need the ego-boost.” Harry laughed and kissed him.

The seventh-year Slytherin/Gryffindor class was rougher. Some students recoiled, and some of those students looked shamefaced at their own reactions, which made Draco feel better (however slight.) He was more solemn during his speech. When some Gryffindor boys started murmuring, a few Slytherin students glared at them hard enough to shut them up. Draco had to smile a bit at that.

“May we ask some questions, sir?” A Slytherin student asked. 

“Go ahead, Miss Jeffers.”

“Do you see yourself as gay, then?”

“I’ve always been attracted to men,” Draco answered calmly. “And as a man, I identify myself as gay.”

Another student raised their hand. “Was your name always Draco?”

“Yes. My mother picked it, and she had always intended to use it on a boy or a girl.”

“Did you dress differently when you were young, before—er, you know.”

Draco raised an eyebrow at the student and he blushed sheepishly. 

“A good thing about wizarding fashion is that robes all generally looked the same for both male and female. I was lucky enough to not experience the hardship Muggle transgender community might face growing up.”

When no more hands were left up in the air, Draco could see it wasn’t the end of confusion for some students. But there was no use to push. Draco smiled at his class, “I’m not any more different than I was before today. You just know more about who I am now. You’ll find that, despite this new knowledge, I am still exactly the same. For example,” Draco tapped his wand and papers appeared in front of each student. “I still like to surprise you with a pop quiz.”

The groans were music to Draco’s ears.

***

The news spread to the whole school by the next day, and breakfast was an anxious ordeal. Draco had made the decision to eat in the Great Hall. Harry’s continuous presence was warm and steady next to him. Harry knew how to deal with being in the spotlight of gossip, and he pulled out all stops to distract Draco from it (i.e., some very heavy making out in the hallway outside of Draco’s room, certainly far too inappropriate at seven o’clock in the morning on a school day). Draco had been preparing for it to happen, but he was still caught off guard when it came.

When it came, Draco had been walking by himself to his next class. He turned around slowly to see who had made the remark. The student didn’t try to hide. He was standing right behind Draco. Everyone around stopped in their tracks, from what the boy had said or to see what would happen, Draco didn’t know. 

The boy sneered at Draco. His friend looked very surprised and appalled. “10 points from Gryffindor,” Draco said. He focused on the disappointment he felt, and not all the other awful feelings that were churning at the base of his throat. 

“100 points from Gryffindor,” someone said from behind. McGonagall strode past Draco and glared down at him. “Plus one-week detention with me, for your ignorance and malice, Mr. Anderson. You should know better. There are transgender students here, and I will not allow this kind of behavior in my school.”

Out of nowhere, Harry appeared next to Draco. “And Mr. Anderson will see me after class today,” he said. “As head of house, I apologize for my student’s behavior, Professor Malfoy.”

Draco nodded, throat thick. Students were gathering around them, but they were looking at Anderson, whose face took on a sickly tinge at the prospect of detention with both the Headmistress and the Boy Who Lived.

“Go to your class, now,” McGonagall said tersely. Anderson scampered off, his friend following. McGonagall turned her gaze onto the students mulling around, who all jumped and started to move.

“I am sorry, Draco,” McGonagall said when all students cleared out. 

“I’m alright, Headmistress.”

“I’ll walk with him,” Harry said, taking Draco’s hand. And McGonagall’s smile showed that she would let this PDA slide just this once.

“I don’t nee—” Draco started.

“I’m not walking you to your classroom because I think you need a bodyguard,” Harry said. “I’m walking with you to your classroom because I missed you.”

Draco hated how easily his mood was improved by that.

Just before parting, Draco squeezed Harry’s hand. “Harry,” Draco said, throat thick and heavy. Harry turned to him inquiringly.

“Educate him,” Draco said. He looked at Harry’s eyes. So honest and good. “Don’t punish him and let him walk away as ignorant before, Harry. Don’t do what our teachers did to us. Teach him.”

Harry cupped Draco’s face. “That was always the plan.”

Draco nodded. He blinked slowly, finally letting the tears fall. Letting them out. It didn’t take more than a few. Harry kissed away each drop, and Draco smiled through it.

“I’ll see you tonight?” Draco asked.

“Yes.” Harry looked delighted, as though they didn’t see each other every other night already. 

Draco gave an amused chuckle. Harry’s gaze lingered on him until the classroom door closed.

***

Draco was just grading his last pile of homework when someone knocked on his office door. “Sir?”

Draco looked up from his grading. It was a third-year Gryffindor. Michael Genson, standing nervously by the door, eyes very wide. An expression so familiar, so mixed with trepidation and hope that for a second Draco thought he was looking at his 13-year-old self. “May I ask you some questions?” Michael said.

Draco put down his quill and moved his grading aside. “Of course,” he smiled. “Tea?”

Michael nodded, sitting down gingerly. Draco gave him a comforting smile and Summoned his best tea leaves.

Hopefully by the end of the chat, Draco could be fortunate enough to find out who Michael truly was. 

[fandom-sheep]

MCC 24 JUL 21

Green Guardians and Pink Parrots Part 1/2

Alright I’m finally back! I’m only half watching while I clean my room but it’s fine.

I’m watching Fundy’s POV on my main screen and Ranboo’s on my phone where I’m typing this.

Ranboo pre game stream let’s gooo.

I’m so very entertained by the background Tubbo noises.

He’s so happy. I don’t know if I have it in my to watch Fundy’s POV even though I’m cheering for the Green Guardians.

Sands of time. Let’s go!

We are going to hear these boys in each other’s backgrounds.

This has “mom can we play Minecraft at our sleepover” vibe.

Phil’s streaming. Where is the fox boy…

Boys trying to out noise each other.

Please tell over to tubbo about how loud he is being. It would be funny.

It’s so much fun watching this boy achieve his goals. I love watching people achieve their goals.

Actual MCC server!!!

Good time for screeny. Nobody is chilling.

BURGER!

I saw him! I saw that fox run past!

“Ahh” - Ranboo

“Aaaa” -Tubbo

“Ahhhh” -Ranboo

“Aaaa” -Tubbo

High school ish age boy in competitive scenario. This will be so much fun.

Microphone magic time!

Hey I hear the boys!

And it works well.

It does echo???? How???

“It was a joint effort. I came up with some bad ideas you came up with the idea that works.” -Tubbo

Also known as every other group chat I’ve ever been in.

Lmanburg flag at rally?

What?

No. Let’s do free clout.

Ranboo being a problem.

Why is everyone in that VC?

What problems are these children causing.

Fundy is live! Where is my iPad time to dual wield streams.

Spatula???

Dual spatulas.

It’s time to start!!!

Where is the fox?

You know. I might reverse it. I might have to watch Pink Parrots mainly and just ignore green guardians.

I’m going to put Wilbur on my iPad so I can see the chaos man. Now to decide which POV I’m listening to. Probably Ranboo. Wilbur on mine is slightly behind.

They asked if Wilbur was going change his skin? That never happens. He had to wear the sweater of shame at Christmas time.

I have them both almost perfectly sinced but it’s at the point it almost sounds echoed.

No it’s just tubbo who sounds echoed.

Nope can’t get it to sync. Just listening on my speaker.

No surround sound here. Unless I get really board.

Manifesting the win?

Manifolding the win.

Bavid.

Time to annoy the other teams.

From here on I’m going to try to be productive while I watch. Wait no. The music isn’t in sync with the one I’ll mostly be watching.

Oh I forgot TapL was there. Nope it’s not syncing. Just going to have Ranboos on my phone be secondary.

Wilbur POV let’s go.

We trash talking. Look at them go.

Ahh. English area codes. What the enigma.

Let’s win pink parrots!!! How do I always end up cheering for this team…

I need to make pink parrot art.

Oh no. Just Wilbur.

Oh no. It’s all Tubbo.

Wilbur reminds me of a good camp counselor motivating his team. Not like one of my coworkers.

My brother isn’t home today so we can’t have a watch party like we wanted.

My mom is confused with my and my brother’s investment in MCC but we told her it was the national championships of Minecraft.

Oh poor Fundy tagging on the other side.

I need to remember to collect channel points.

I’m sorry why is my internet acting stupid. Work you!

Pink and purple. The tween girls second most idea color pallet.

They are over motivating the Soot.

Thought Wilbur was going to explode from peer pressure there.

Yooo. I figured out how to watch Fundy! I can split screen my ipad between the app and the website. Tiny Fundy screen and big Wilbur screen and tiny Ranboo screen on my phone.

They can’t warn fast enough.

Time to watch and ad and support Wilbur because it got too far behind for my liking while I fought with the tiny Fundy screen.

I need to put away the books I’m pressing flowers in. But I don’t want to mess up the flowers.

Wonder how soon I’ll have to start a new post because I ran out of bullet points.

Nah I’m not keeping Fundy’s POV open. I want full screen Pink Parrots.

Music brain made the lyric connection.

I could drink 3 bottles of water every round.

The boys with the superior bladders.

What happened with Wilbur? What I didn’t see anything happen with the stream.

Nox crew role play??? What?

Wait. Did red team just fall into the void?

What?

I found a skirt and I’m wondering why I don’t wear it more often.

It goes down to my knees I could even wear this to church.

Offhand wool!

Time to battle in the box!

Exciting death boots.

Go!!! Do wool! Get em!

Oh wow. They both died. At the same time.

They can hear the Tommy. That’s how well these dudes know one another.

Bragging on each other.

Everyone surprised that Wilbur is entering his old man years.

Woohoo!

Random history moments with Tubbo.

Woohoo (again)!

Ranboos just going to jinx it.

Oh no I need my charger!

Got my charger! Rejoined at “Minecraft butts make big… videos” and am quite confused.

Skilled boys!!

Poof goes the Bur.

They beat Dream???

Casually refolding every bandana I own while watching battle box.

I found a peppermint tea bag.

Come on get mid! Noooo.

Pink parrots doing pretty good from what I see in MCC live.

I thought Ranboo had an actual burger on his face cam. I was so confused for a moment.

Yelling across the room casually.

Wilbur is back. You can hear him.

Wilbur is like a kid trying to get a duck out of the pond.

Sky battle?

Shake? Shake shake shake?

Oh no. Now all the chat is crying over Ghostbur. Myself included.

Pink parrots on top so far! Never mind that didn’t last long.

Go Wilbur! Go Tubbo! Go Ranboo! Go TapL!

Wilbur go poof.

3rd atm.

Oh we’ve gone down.

No he was not good. But he paved the way for TapL.

We’re in 2nd?? Are the other teams dead or something?

If we’re going down and yelling timber.

4th. Not bad.

Woohoo!

Go green guardians!!

So proud of them.

Pants and Boots!

Still in 6th for sky battle.

Bless his heart TapL is so worried.

Red Rabbits and Green guardians are close.

My streams are out of sync. So confused.

We’re in lead!!

WE WON!!!

My iPad is struggling with Will’s stream but it’s going!

Come on Parrots!

Alright got it up again. Got it up again.

If I were a streamer I wouldn’t be good at MCC. I can’t competitive properly. I just like making jokes and being goofy.

Not a good lead but oh well never mind we don’t have the lead.

Red Rabbits YUM.

“Do not engage” as they set off tnt.

Get those stupid rabbits! Or whoever is attacking. I’ve never been good at any sports.

First again!

Hold on guys!

They won!!! With Wilbur hovering on the edge of the void!!!

PINK PARROTS FIRST PLACE (for now but I’m still excited)

Talented team!! Look at them go!

Get your screen shot little Y/N fan boy.

Not surprised we’re more popular than the olympics.

Had to go brag to my parents that there are more people watching MCC than the olympics. They were also not surprised.

Sands of Time. The wildcard game.

Sand sand sand sand.

We have a key for a vault already?

Putting away shoes. Nothing to make you be productive like watching Minecraft peeps play a competitive game.

“Everywhere is a way into somewhere”

Come on boys.

Time to switch to Ranboos POV. See if I can spot that N with my grown up can spot things vision.

Nope don’t see this mysterious letter.

TapL if you got nothing to do bother Ranboo to help him find that N.

Calm Tubbo. Tubbo chill.

Really. The map is broken and they are taking forever helping.

Key!!! Fight Fight Fight.

Ranboo apologizing.

If his team loses this kid will blame himself.

Go Tubbo and Ranboo.

Vault open!

Out of sand = prepare to book it.

1:30 (90 sec) let’s go.

Less than a minute. Evacuate!

Oh no Ranboo is lost. Hurry kiddo!

They made it?

They made it.

Off goes the Wilbur. Now to wait.

Come on pink parrots.

Is it bad I can’t see sands of time coins in MCC live or am I just crazy?

5th. Better than I expected.

THEY ARE STILL FIRST???

Barely. But they are.

We get to vote now?!?

Quick to the voting!

I had to fight Twitter to vote.

The app didn’t want to work.

What’s the acronym one?

I’m sorry did I just hear that Wilbur taught Tubbo how to spell fuck?

Ranboo has the iron bladder.

I drank so much water but I just kinda do that.

Listen to Wilbur getting soft and encouraging Ranboo in his first game.

And Wilbur wanting him back. And planning to manipulate Scott.

Doesn’t surprise me that Wilbur would manipulate Scott. I know he probably doesn’t but still.

Look at all us audience beings.

Hooray David. I don’t know who you are but sup.

I’m sitting on a yoga ball to type and I about fell off. That wouldn’t have been fun.

All of Wills chat blessing him.

David just did the vocal equivalent of 👍🏻

Ooo I found a dollar.

And of course Tubbo likes the olympics. Trampoline boy should love them.

Nooo. Not tubbo!

Whoopsy. There go the parrots.

Why does my Wilbur stream keep goofing. See this is why I don’t actually liveblog I am so behind it’d be delayed anyway.

Instead of replacing with Phil replace with Kristen.

Keep it up Pink Parrots keep it up. *clap clap*

Where is my old cheerleading book?

Oh this is so behind. I saw ranboo fall on his POV then waited a few moments to see him on Wills.

Let’s reset it again for now. Look like it’s close. And I got an ad this time.

If it gets super behind again I’m going to just switch to Ranboo on my iPad and see if that works.

Wills is slightly ahead now. That’s how I like it.

Wilbur is such a motivating human. I swear I keep thinking that I’m hearing my coworkers encouraging campers at a kickball game or something.

Oh we’re dropping. But we’re still going.

How the actual hay are we still here.

Keep it up TapL!!

2nd!

300 and a bit to get back to first.

Look at Ranboo and Wilbur. So happy.

Ok singy boi with the ability to do one sound for a long time.

I want TapL on DSMP. It would be funny I like this guy. What does this guy stream? I want to start watching him.

Ace Race? I love ace race.

Ooo buildmart. Used to be my favorite but now no one hates it anymore.

I like least liked games. Least liked games act as great equalizers. No one is happy and it’s funny.

“You have such a way with words” -TapL (?)

“Thanks I’m a song writer” -Wilbur

Why are we doing dramatic monologues?

Sounds neat. I like this deep story.

Who is dying? What? I zoned out for a minute.

Cant wait to see that audio appear on tiktok.

You go Wilbur. I believe in you.

You go Ranboo become a lover or hater of Ace Race.

“I keep on stabbing people in the butt with my fork” -Ranboo

Again can’t wait to see that audio appear on tiktok.

I love Wilburs angry “which glitch” he’s experienced all of them.

No don’t stop Wilburs channel! I’ll watch an ad but let me watch ace race.

Ranboo has learned to dislike ace race.

Feels like a achievement. You have made Ranboo hate ace race.

Tubbo did it! Whoop!

Good job Will!

Good Job team!

Second team to finish!!!

Wait it says they are in 3rd on MCC live?

Phil Head!

Hey 1st. Good job Parrots!

The perspective I watch doesn’t matter. All I see is shifting at Wilbur either way.

Ranboo booked it.

Techno. Oh how we miss him. He was there last MCC but still.

Wait why are they in the soggy? I missed it?

Dunk tank?

End on build mart! Everyone sounded so sad! I’m so happy! I picked the right team!

Oh acronym is terra swoop force!!! Go Philza.

I’m practical shot who will win.

Pink Parrots doing actually pretty good according to MCC live.

Good job guys!

Resetting Wilburs stream while nothing is happening so I don’t miss anything later.

OH WAIT STUFF IS STILL HAPPENING I SEE IT ON RANBOOS!

Oh final text block. I’m going to have to make 2 posts.

[creamypudding]

Woeful WIP Wednesday

I last touched this WIP in August 2020. It was for the AkuRoku beard event I had tried to get underway for World Beard Day which is annually on September 1st. I never finished the story because it was getting very technical with beard related care products and a lot of sex. Like a lot of it. I have notes where they fuck each other like 4 times? On the couch, in the shower, in bed. I don’t know why I stopped writing it. It’s outlined but I ran out of steam and interest.  As much as I am a smut-writing champion you’d be surprised how often I write stories only to run completely out of steam once I get to the smut. Go figure. In this story Axel and Roxas are in a long distance relationship and have a wager on who can grow the better beard. It is rated T and stops a bit before the ‘good stuff’ was going to happen. Word count - 2385 If you enjoy this, or any of the other WIP’s it would be great if you would let me know. Cheers.

Homecoming

The date, time, and location were set; 1st April, 6pm, Olga's—a favorite haunt of their family and friends’, and the best place to get Polish sausages. Roxas stood a little way down the road from the establishment, his two suitcases; a small one stacked on top of the large one, in hand as he looked at his reflection in his phone's camera. He brushed at his Banholz beard; big, bushy and grew to about his mid-chest. He had oiled, brushed, trimmed, and shaped it to look its best, for today was a monumental day. 6 months ago he had been dared to grow a beard by his boyfriend, Axel. Roxas had agreed but only if they would have a competition to see who could grow the best beard, to be judged by a panel of their relations and peers. 

Roxas thought himself ready and walked on, wheeling his suitcases along behind himself. This competition was the precise reason why Roxas now entered the cozy restaurant. It had been booked out for the occasion and was filled with family and friends who all greeted Roxas with raucous cheers of— 

“Roxas! You’re back!”

“Good to see you!”

“Is that really you under there?”

“Axel! Axel, your competition has arrived!”

The suitcases were tugged away from Roxas and the throng of people around him cleared revealing, there, across the space, standing at the head of a banquet table laden with bigos, golonka, pierogi, schabowy, placki, pączki and a range of drinks like compotes, oranżada, piwo, and żubrówka, was Axel in familiar jeans and a black shirt with flame motifs that Roxas had bought him as a gift two years ago. They looked at each other across the space.

Voices sang out, praising the magnificent beards they both sported.

Roxas saw Axel’s thick, dark beard; a Bandholz, like his own. They walked toward each other and stopped in the middle of the floor. Roxas craned his neck to look up, Axel smirked down.

“You look like a real Viking,” Axel said.

“You look like a mismatched pirate. Didn’t feel like dyeing your beard?”

“It’s too much red. Makes me look like a tomato. I’ll show you the photos of when I tried.” “Cool.”

They grinned at each other and Axel threw his arms around Roxas, lifting him off the ground in a tremendous hug. Roxas’ face got smothered in the scratchy beard but he still giggled and when he dropped back to the ground hooked his hands around Axel’s neck and gave him a chaste peck on the lips.

They pulled apart laughing a little. 

“That’s something new to get used to,” Axel commented, rubbing his lips.

Roxas nodded and threaded his fingers through Axel’s.

“Come on everyone,” Sora, Roxas’ half-brother, shouted over the crowd. “Now that both our competitors are here let's get the judging going and then eat!” Cheers of enthusiasm rose and Axel and Roxas were ushered before the panel. 

Roxas and Axel were examined in turn, their beards evaluated for physical appearance: thickness, length, feel. And then for popularity, which opened up to the entire group of assembled people.

Roxas grinned up wildly as he was crowned Beard King and received a victory parade amongst the shoulders of his friends to wild chanting before he was dropped on his ‘throne’, which was just a high backed chair in the middle of the banquet table laid out. He was presented with an enormous hamper of goodies relating to beard care and then Axel took his seat next to Roxas and everyone joined in on eating all the delicious food before them.

Much talk was had over dinner regarding Roxas’ time away—as he studied in a different state and only came back home over the summer and Christmas breaks. He was caught up in everyone else’s lives as well and then after three hours of eating, chatting, and boozing, wished everyone a good night as well as thanking everyone for crowning him king and coming out, and then he wheeled his luggage to Axel’s red Kia Cerato coup parked at the restaurants car park and got in to go back to their place.

“What does my liege want to do when we get home?” Axel asked, fondling the tip of Roxas’ beard as he drove along the street.

“I want to go through that basket of goodies with you, play with your beard, and play with you. I’ve missed you so much.” Roxas clasped Axel’s hand and rubbed it against his cheek.

Axel stroked him when he stopped his rubbing motion. “At least we get three long months of being together until you have to go back to college.” Roxas groaned. “It’s going to be so good, even when I do have to go back because we’ll be able to video call and won’t have to keep this beard stuff a secret from one another anymore.”

Axel nodded. “Yeah. If I had known what we were getting into I might not have agreed to this. Six months is too long without seeing your… well… rugged face. I can’t really call you pretty now, can I? I didn’t actually believe you’d look so much older with a beard.” “C’mon, you didn’t even think I could grow one. Not that I know why. You’ve seen dad, he’s always had a really respectable circle beard.” Axel shrugged. “I guess I look at your baby face and just… could never picture it.” “I’ll make sure we take a lot of photos so you’ll never forget. Have I shown you photos of dad from when he didn’t have a beard? I get my baby face from him. Underneath his beard, you’d think he’s twenty years younger than he is.” “Can’t say I’ve seen those. So when you’re fifty you’ll look thirty?”

“You know it. I can be your baby-faced sugar-daddy.” Roxas cracked up laughing at Axel’s bewildered scowl.

“For one, you are only two years older than me, and two, at this moment I’m your sugar-daddy since I work.” “True, but once I finish my degree and start working I’ll make so much money that you’ll be able to go part-time and look after our fur-babies.”

A strangled noise left Axel’s throat. “This is why I love you so much. You’re willing to protect me from a grueling working life.” Axel quickly leaned over, Roxas also leaned in and they shared a small kiss.

Roxas giggled. “So tickly and hairy.” ----------------------------------------------------

They arrived at their small cottage-esque house which they were renting. It had an undercover carport, a disheveled wooden fence, dry grassy patches, and a dead flowerbed. The door opened up right to their living room. A hallway ran through the door on the right, leading to the two bedrooms, and bathroom, with a separate toilet, and to the left of the living room was a door which led to the kitchen and laundry. Their backyard was an overgrown monstrosity which Axel only tended to when the landlords came around for inspections. The house was drafty, they were pretty sure black mold grew in the vents in the laundry and bathroom, but it was affordable, small, and let them live together when Roxas came home over college breaks.

Axel helped Roxas get his bags out of the car, they stowed them away to deal with later and sat on their plush, tan faux-leather couch whilst rifling through the content of the prize basket.

“It was really nice of everyone to pitch in and get us this gift basket,” Axel said, pulling out a beard-care kit consisting of several brushes, some oils and waxes, and a few trimming essentials.

“What do you mean us? This is mine.” Roxas glared, but he couldn't repress the bubbling-inside grin.

“You're really gonna use all of this Beard Candy and King of Wood all by yourself?” Axel held up the respectively named balm tin and oil bottle.

Both of them giggled.

“I might.” Roxas grabbed for the bottle. “I am king of wood.”

“You're more candy, darling.” Axel snatched the bottle and shoved the tin at Roxas.

Roxas gasped with playful offended. “Not true. I am King Beard. Everyone thinks so. We had a vote, remember?”

“We did. You really want to keep all this to yourself though?”

“Nah. WHat’s mine is yours—Oooo! There’s dye and glitter!”

Axel looked at the packets Roxas held up and went diving into the basket. “Ribbons too. Who do you reckon snuck this stuff in?”

Roxas thought for a moment humming and hawing. 

“Sora!” they both shouted in unison and cracked up laughing.

Axel put the items he held down and got up. “You want anything, babe? Tea? Hot chocolate? Water?”

“A tall drink of something hot and sweet.” Roxas made eyes at Axel, who grinned broadly. 

A spark of lust ignited in Axel’s eyes. He stepped close to Roxas, bent down and kissed him, pushing him against the couch. The hairs against Roxas’ lips tickled. He wrapped his arms around Axel’s shoulders, pulling them chest to chest and Axel climbed up to straddle Roxas’ lap. Roxas pushed his tongue into Axel, who sucked gently. Both of them hummed and pulled apart. 

“I do actually want a drink though,” Roxas sniggered.

“On its way, sugarplum.” Axel slid off and headed to the kitchen.

Roxas’ cheeks were plump and hot from all the smiling. He had missed Axel so much. He listened to Axel banging away in the kitchen, as taps turned on and off, drawers and cupboards opened and shut, and container lids popped in and out of place. Roxas kept looking through the goodies in the basket. He really appreciate everyone's support, but most of all Axel's for doing this with him—even if they were pitted against each other. 

Axel talked to him from the kitchen. They talked about Roxas’ flight home, Axel's job and then Axel was back, carrying a tall mug of steaming liquid, gasped with whipped cream. He set that down on a coaster before Roxas and put a much more sensibly succeed mug down for himself, filled with what smelled like chili tea.

“It's so good to have your back, babe.” Axel leaned over and kissed Roxas, who cupped Axel’s cheek and stoked along where skin met beard. Roxas could taste the light spice on Axel's lips as he had been sipping his tea before he had come in.

Axel left small touches on Roxas’ arms, trailing up to his neck where slender fingers caressed and rubbed. Roxas melted into the touch and hungered with his kissing of his boyfriend.

Axel pulled away, licking his lips. “Have your drink. I slaved over it.”

“Oh, what hard work it was to push buttons, wait for water to boil, and open the fridge to get whipped cream out.”

“It was the hardest. I had to do it all without you there.”

Axel was being ridiculous but it twinged in Roxas’ heart. “Okay, I retract my previous sarcastic remark.” He grabbed his drink, snuggled closer to Axel, and licked at the cream and sipped, humming with appreciation.

Axel looked down at Roxas and simply said, “Yum.”

Roxas huffed out a small laugh and felt his cheeks turning pink. He was glad for his beard.

“You're giving me all sorts of ideas looking like that.” Axel quirked an eyebrow.

Roxas’ stomach knotted. Having been debited their webcam sessions made him feel excessively deprived of his boyfriend touch. “Kiss me.”

Axel obliged, leaning down, sucking Roxas’ lip onto his mouth for brief moments and then flicking his tongue over Roxas to lip, licking the cream off which gathered in his beard.

Roxas held his drink away from the both of them and gently pulled on the end of Axel's beard, drawing the other man in for another kiss. Roxas pulled away then, humming. “I've missed you, babe. Let's never have a comp like this again.”

“Your beard as itchy as mine feels?” Axel scratched at his chin.

Roxas chuckled. “No. It feels pretty good, but I mean the not being able to see each other bit.”

“Ahh, yeah. Agreed. I mean, this,” he brushed the fuzzy edge of Roxas’ beard, “is actually surprisingly attractive on you, but I get what you mean.” Axel leaned in and hushed against Roxas’ love, “Your voice in my ear is honey to me but seeing you touching yourself is my bread and butter.” Axel kissed Roxas behind his ear, making him shiver.

Roxas nuzzled Axel's cheek, making them both giggle because their beards tickled.

Axel clapped Roxas’ thigh. “C'mon, let's do some beard stroking and grooming. I want my beard to look like Nori from the Hobbit. Which dwarf do you want to be?”

Roxas laughed. They had been talking about the wacky beards of the dwarves from that movie trilogy for at least two months now. “Gloin. His beard is magnificent!, plus, I found a packet of beads at the bottom of the basket.”

Axel nodded. “All right, my glorious Norse God. Let's doll each other up.”

Roxas giggled with delight.

They spent the next two hours taking turns combing and braiding each other's beards. Roxas split Axel's dark, silky beard into three prongs, found done large clasps to target the end and hair-sprayed the shit out of the two outer parts of the beard to make them stand stiff and jut out from Axel's face.

Then it was Roxas’ turn. Axel sectioned parts off, braiding and beading the thick, wiry hair into the desired shape. 

They shared many kisses throughout and traversed down memory lane as they recalled the early days of growing out their beards and how itchy the first few weeks were. Thinking about it made both of them itch.

When their beards were all finished they took a photo as a keepsake.

“Are you sure you want to shave off our chin-curtains tomorrow?” Axel asked, touching Roxas’ dark blond hair.

Roxas burst out laughing. “Chin-curtains? Are you getting attached to yours? You've been doing nothing but complaining about it for months.”

“Well, I like all the touching. I like us sitting together and doing each other.” Axel couldn't keep a straight face as he said that.

Roxas rolled his eyes as he smiled brightly. “We can still touch each other no matter what.” He slid an arm around Axel's waist.

[petersasteria]

Oh My God I Love Her - T. Holland

Requested? Yezzir by @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven <3

Pairing: Tom x Reader

My birth week celebration begins now! :)

Request some stuff for my birth week celebration! :D

* * * *

Tom’s P.O.V

Quarantine life is getting boring, but I’m glad Y/N is staying here with me and the lads. I’ve noticed that Y/N has been helping around the house. I mean, I tell her not to, but she insists. She helps with the chores and she helps us all in our own projects and stuff.

The other day, I saw Y/N FaceTiming Paddy and Sam. Y/N and Sam are best friends and I know that they’ve been missing each other. It was so cute seeing them interact. Y/N was in the kitchen with a lot of ingredients and her phone propped up in front of a water bottle.

“So, I’ll put the parmesan cheese on the egg that I just beat?” Y/N asks.

“Yup. Just watch the highlight on my other account, Y/N/N.” Sam chuckles. Y/N does what as she’s told and laughs, “Well, I want to have a personal tutorial with the chef himself!”

I smile at the scene from afar and just stand there to watch. Harrison, of course, teased that I’m being creepy, but I don’t care. A few minutes later, I figure it’s time to leave, but I stop when I hear Y/N speak again.

“Sam, you’ll be such a great chef one day. You’ll probably own a restaurant and I promise that I’ll be your first and loyal customer when that happens. I’ll be there every step of the way. I promise.” Y/N smiles at Sam through the screen.

“Stop being sappy, Y/N/N.” Sam jokes.”But in all seriousness, thank you for the support, Y/N. Love ya always.”

I always love it when Y/N hangs out with my family. Yesterday, she was helping Harry in filming and writing a new short film idea. Now I know it’s not Y/N’s forte, but she just really wanted to help Harry, she said it was really cool to be involved even if she didn’t know a thing or two about it.

I was in the living room, sitting on the couch just scrolling through Instagram when Y/N comes out from our shared bedroom with her hair still damp from her shower. She just finished cleaning around and she’s now in search of something to do.

“Darling? Why don’t you sit with me and relax?” I smile at her. She looks at me and smiles back, “As relaxing as that sounds, I really want to be productive. I’ll make it up to you tonight, baby.”

Just then, Harry groans in frustration from the dining area. Y/N smiles and says, “I guess it’s time for me to step in!” She walks to the dining area and greets Harry.

I stand up and watch them with a small smile on my face.

“Do you need any help?” Y/N asks. “I don’t know a thing about what you’re doing, but I really want to be useful around here.” she says shyly.

“That’s okay. I’ve been here for, like, two hours now and I haven’t made any progress. I need all the help I can get.” Harry chuckles. “Come sit with me and I’ll show you what I got on my notebook.”

Y/N sits next to him and they begin to exchange ideas. It was truly a beautiful sight to see.

Harry writes the last details of the story for his short film and he and Y/N give each other a high five. “We can film in no time!” Harry cheers. “Thank you so much, Y/N. I wouldn’t have any progress without you.”

“No problem, Harry. I got you.” Y/N smiles.

Earlier this morning, Y/N was in the backyard with Harrison. He was practicing some trick shots and Y/N was kind enough to stay with him and cheer him up.

Harrison sighs at another failed attempt of doing a new trick shot. I watch from my bedroom window whilst sipping a cup of tea.

“C’mon, Haz! You can do it! You’re, like, the best person I know for doing trick shots.” Y/N says, standing up from the grass.

“That’s sweet, but don’t lie to me. I fucking suck.” Harrison groans in frustration.

“Haz, I’m not lying. If it helps you, you’re better than me.” Y/N chuckles, grabbing the golf club from him and tries to do the trick shot he just did.

Of course, it was a fail.

Harrison was watching her the whole time and watching her try to do the trick shot he just did made him laugh.

“No, not like that!” Harrison smiles.

“I may have failed, but at least I got to see you smile again.” Y/N says sweetly. She gives him his golf club back and says, “Your turn.”

Harrison tries again and it was a success. Both of them cheer and hug.

“I told you, you can do it! Let’s film it!” Y/N says excitedly, pulling away from the hug.

They took videos of Harrison’s many trick shots and soon, they were tired. I smile at her interacting with my best mate and I could’ve sworn I fell in love all over again.

It’s now night time and Y/N hit the hay early, because she was tired. The lads and I stayed in the living room and watched a movie on Netflix.

“Guys.” I say loud enough for them to hear, but quiet enough not to wake Y/N. They look at me and I take that as a signal to continue. However, I didn’t say anything. I just pull out a black velvet box from my pocket.

I open the box to reveal the ring I got for Y/N months ago. The lads look at me with shock and Harry speaks up, “Tom, is that-”

“An engagement ring?” Tuwaine continues. I smile and nod, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Harrison, who’s sitting next to me, faces me and says, “Oh my god, Tom. I thought you’d never ask! Of course I’ll marry you!”

We all laugh at Harrison’s joke before the room fills with comfortable silence.

“So, you’ll really do it? You’re sure this time?” Tuwaine asks.

“Yup.” I say proudly, looking at the ring once more before closing the box and putting it in my pocket.

“Well, mum would be really happy that you chose her. Y/N is the type of girl mum dreamed that you would have.” Harry says. “And if I’m being honest, I think I speak for Sam and Paddy as well when I say that we really love her and we would love to have her as an official family member.”

“That means a lot, Harry. Thank you so much. It means a lot.” I smile from ear to ear, happy that my brother thinks that way.

“As long as I’ll be your child’s godfather, I’m good.” Harrison chuckles. “She’s a great girl. I’m really glad you picked the right one this time.”

“I’m glad too.” I smile. “Really glad.”

* * * *

-not proofread-

YAY I DID IT <3

First birthday request done x

I’ll do my other requests tomorrow, because those have been requested waaay before my birthday HAHAHAHAHAHA

Send in some birth week requests! :))))

[fangirllifu]

Sweet Like Pudding Ch. 25

Italics - thoughts

That night Kenma received a message from Kanna. He moved without a second thought, grabbing his jacket and making his way down to the lobby, where he knew Kuroo would be. And true to his assumptions, the rooster-headed male was there sitting with Kai, talking. He approached the two, who acknowledged his presence by turning their heads in his direction.

"I'm going out for a bit." Kenma informed, getting straight to the point.

Kuroo nodded his head in response, saying. "Okay. Be sure to walk her back and return before lights out."

Kenma stilled and frowned at Kuroo. "I didn't say I was meeting anyone."

Kuroo merely raised an eyebrow in amusement as he continued to stare at him. "But you are, aren't you?"

Not wanting to deal with his insufferable friend any longer, Kenma kept his mouth shut and abruptly turned around to make his leave. Just as he walked through the doors, Yaku arrived and joined his fellow third years.

"Checking on her?" asked Yaku as he sat down beside Kuroo, who hummed in confirmation to his question.

"I hope she'll feel better soon." Kai voices, clearly still worried for her, the sentiment being shared by the two.

"We still have to do our part tomorrow though." Yaku reminds with an excited gleam in his eyes.

"Oh how fun~" Kuroo slyly drawled as he smirked wide and mischievous, actively looking forward to tomorrow's grand event planned by their resident notorious Nekoma Brain.

—~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~—

It didn't take long for Kenma to spot her. She was sitting on a bench, comfortably layered in bundles of sweaters to shield her from the cold, quietly staring at the moon, as she usually did while they were still at the training camp.

Kenma walked up to her, and as he sat down, he gently placed a warm can of tea in her clasped hands. Kanna jolted at the sudden warmth and immediately looked down at her lap. She smiled as she took hold of the beverage and raised her head to glance at Kenma, who was looking ahead while drinking his own can of hot cocoa.

She inched closer to him as she commented. "Not drinking coffee?"

He pulls the can away from his lips and scoffs. "Hn. You know I hate that stuff."

Kanna giggles in response, knowing full well of his aversion to anything and everything bitter.

Kenma relaxes further into the bench, and releases a relieved sigh at the sound. It seems that, despite what happened earlier, she's, at the very least, not as bothered with it as she was before.

Kanna clicked her can open, slowly taking a couple of sips, and sighing in satisfaction at the warmth it brought her. A moment passes before she breaks the silence.

"Thank you."

Kenma turns to her in question and she simply smiles at him in return.

"No matter what I say now, you've already decided that you're going to interfere, right?" She states with not a sliver of doubt that, that is just what he has decided. And sure enough, Kenma nods his head in agreement.

"That's why… Thank You." She tightens her hold on the can and fiddles with it a bit, before taking another sip. She breaths out and watches the fog in silent contemplation.

"If I hadn't met all of you, I probably would've been even more affected and reacted worse than I had. But because you were there, you reminded me that I'm not alone anymore, that I could be happy again. That I have a reason to be happy again." She confesses as she lifts her head and smiles softly at the moon.

Kenma gazes at her for a moment, before he voices. "If that's the case, then you don't need to tell me what happened."

Kanna perks up and turns her head towards him. "Huh? Are you sure? I was certain you'd be curious."

"I was." He agrees, as he turns his head to look back up at the moon. "But it doesn't matter anymore." He concludes, lifting up his can to finish the rest of his drink.

"It doesn't matter, because you're happy. And that's all that matters."

—~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~—

It's time. Today's the day, and the cats are out to play.

Surprisingly though, they gained two more members who were more than willing to put the opposing team in their place, in the name of Haiba Arisa and Yamamoto Akane.

The two had been told of what happened, because they got curious as to why the team was acting differently than any other match they've had. They were introduced to Kanna the morning of the day, and had immediately connected. They adored her lively personality, and couldn't imagine how anybody would ever think of doing such a thing to her.

Bokuto was happy for his cousin, gaining more friends who could understand her, and would support her no matter what. He'd talked to the whole Nekoma team, thanked them and apologized that he had to leave everything in their hands.

"What are you apologizing for?" Kuroo raises an eyebrow as he questions.

"Yeah, you don't need to apologize, Bokuto." Kai agrees, nodding along.

"We're more than willing to stand in for you and do this for Kanna-chan." Yaku declares as he slams his hand on Bokuto's back, causing the other to splutter.

"Oof—! Thanks!" Bokuto beams back at them. He really was thankful, though it was regrettable that he wouldn't be able to watch it all go down.

It just so happened that their game was happening at the same time, so they couldn't be there. But he had no doubt, only all the confidence, that the Nekoma guys would pull through.

"Good Luck you guys!" He exclaims as he runs and waves at them from down the hall.

"Good Luck on your game too!" They shout at him as he goes.

—~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~—

The guys really couldn't take the opposing team seriously, what with all the nonsense sprouting out of their mouths. The annoyingly high pitched yelling at the side, was only adding to their disdain. Even their name was laughable. They really wouldn't want to be known with such a weak sounding name for a team. Who would? Guinea Pig? Who? To have such a tiny herbivorous mascot and have the gall to be obnoxious with no substance, is just plain distasteful.

Even Nohebi was better than them. Those snakes might be repulsive, but at the very least they were crafty with their skills. The guys could only shake their heads in disappointment at their useless attempts at baiting them.

It was well known that Nekoma intentionally played slow for the sole objective of observing the other team. But this time, that was not the case. Today's Nekoma had a purpose, and fulfill it they shall.

Kenma wasn't kidding when he said he wanted to 'play' with them. He'd instructed the spikers to aim for specific spots that were a huge disadvantage on the opposing team. While at the same time, purposefully allowing them a chance to counter, keeping the scores close. He had no qualms about dragging the game. After all, they're not the ones frantically running around the court.

He's in control, and yet, he was not happy. The rest of the guys couldn't say they don't feel the same.

"These guys…." Kuroo grumbled irritably.

"They're terrible, yes!" Lev comments, nodding his head.

"How did they get this far?!" Yaku yells, angrily capping his water bottle.

"Tsk!"

A loud clicking of one's tongue was heard amidst the discussion, silencing the team. They turned as one in the direction it came from, only to jerk in surprise.

"Ke—Kenma-san?!" Lev, Shibayama and Inuoka squawked, with varying degrees of frightened expressions.

"Kenma?!" Kuroo, Yaku, Kai and Yamamoto screeched, cowering slightly from the expression on his face.

Amidst all this, was Coach Nekomata was laughing heartily from the sidelines, genuinely enjoying the show. "Go show them Kenma."

—~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~——~~~—

It was now the third set, and all jokes were out the window. The Nekoma boys were fed up, and couldn't bear to deal with the insufferable team any second longer. They were determined to end it, and end it quickly.

Nekoma was leading by a landslide, with no foreseeable chance for the opposing team to catch up. They needed only one more point to end it all. But despite lacking skills, the opposing team was frustratingly unwilling to give up. The rally was going on for forever.

But just as the ball was heading his way, Kenma noticed the Captain (the brother of the manager—Kanna's main torturer), directly opposite of him. The Nekoma guys got in position and ran up to the net, awaiting for Kenma's toss. When out of nowhere, Kenma does a setter dump right in front of the guy's face. The court stilled at the unexpected turn of events.

The guy looked up from the ball, only to freeze when he made eye contact. Despite being physically taller, Kenma seemed to be staring him down. A cold shiver ran down his spine when Kenma spoke those three words.

"Who's worthless now."

As Kenma was turning his head, he pointedly made eye contact with the opposing team's manager, having purposefully said it loud enough for her to hear. He reveled in the ghostly pale, horrified expression on her face.

He turned fully with a proud and accomplished smirk on his face, not quite hearing the blow of the whistle, nor the loud cheering of his teammates behind him. He was too preoccupied with one girl at the sides sobbing her heart out. He'd noticed her come running in, along with the Bokuto and Akaashi, just as they scored their set point.

Kenma's face softened as he saw the seemingly endless tears streaming down her face. His lips quirked upwards when Kanna waved his way, giving him a watery, but nonetheless, cheerful smile. Kenma huffs good-naturedly upon hearing her light and joyful laugh, as the other two attempted to comfort her.

Unfortunately, his silent moment was interrupted by Kuroo and Yaku glomping him and furiously ruffling his hair in their excitement, making him snap at them.

This event once again, in the minds of those knew him, further solidified why Kenma could truly be a terrifying person when he wanted to be.

Notes:

Here we go! Can I get a Hoot! Hoot! for a justice well served! But can you just imagine an angry Kenma? *shivers~* I'd be so terrified.

Just in case anybody gets confused. I alternate between calling Bokuto —Bokuto/Koutarou, when the main pov changes. For example, when it's just the guys in the scene, or if the main is Kenma. Generally, just whenever Kanna isn't the main in the scene. I hope I got that all cleared.

[Previous Chapter | Next Chapter]

Chapter List

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty Five, “A New Hope”

// FIND OLD CHAPTERS HERE //

hi!!!! i hope you’re all doing okay and hanging in there during this crazy time in the world. please know that im thinking of you, and please stay safe and healthy!!! id love to hear what you think of this chapter so plz like reply with thoughts or send me an ask??? id love to talk to anybody about this story bc it sounds weird but i love this story too???? like tell me what was your fav part??? what do you predict is gonna happen? 

thanks so much for still reading after all of this time, and i hope this chapter distracts you from some of the crap going on in the world ♡♡♡♡

                                            *SNEAK PEEKY TIME*

“But some moments when I’m so deep into my work, a thought pops into my head making me think that I’ll look up and see him there. Or some days I even think I hear his voice. Or I think the text I just got was from him. 

None of that happens. 

And it upsets me far more than it should. Some days I’m just better at ignoring it. 

I couldn’t have wished for a better “new job,” but sometimes I miss him. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because there isn’t anything I can do. I know I made the right decision to leave, but in the moments I get overwhelmed and frustrated with learning new tasks, I wish I could be sitting back in that desk down the hall from his office.”

                                   PART TWO: THE STRANGER

The noises here are all new and hard to get used to. The printer works differently. It’s like a maze in order to find the department I work in. There are key codes I have to put in and doors I have to scan my badge at. There are so many more names to learn here, and new phone extensions to master. 

But I like it. 

And I think I’m getting the hang of it. Slowly but surely. 

“It’s Becky, right?” a voice says, pulling me from my chaotic thoughts. 

I blink, looking away from my steaming cup of tea and to the face smiling at me. 

“Uh yeah, it is. And you’re . . . Molly, right?” 

“Yeah, wow! You’re good at names!” she laughs before sipping from her own cup of tea and taking a seat beside me. “How are you liking it here so far?”

“It’s good so far, thanks,” I reply, picking up my tea and blowing on it. Avoiding her round brown eyes, I think hard about where I’ve seen her before. She must be in the same department if she’s in this break room. Hmmm. I hate it when I can’t remember things even though it’s on the tip of my tongue. 

“You used to work for Styles and Lawson, did I hear that right?” Molly asks before taking a long pull from her mug. She crosses her legs clad in black slacks that end at the polka-dotted blouse hugging her large chest. 

If I got a pound for every time somebody has asked me that here, I wouldn’t even have to work here. 

“Yeah,” I say, trying not to sound how annoyed I am to have to answer this question for the hundredth time. I told my new boss this once, and somehow everybody in the Administration department now knows it. 

“Interesting. It looks like you stayed in the same world coming to work at the courts,” she remarks and I nod blankly. 

Yeah, as if I haven’t heard that one before in the last month, too. 

I continue to smile and nod at her repetitive questions. I sometimes answer them and then listen to her drone on about her three kids until the small hand reaches the 6 on the clock and my break is over. I’ve never been so excited before to go back to work. 

Sitting down at my desk, I almost smile at the way the cushion welcomes me back. Framed pictures smile back at me. 

Skye and I. Robbie and I as kids in matching outfits. My dad. My grandparents. 

The same ones I had on my old desk. At his firm. 

My chin arrives in my hand and a heavy sigh falls from my lips. The little pink clock on my desk tells me it’s only 12:30 in the afternoon. 

I wonder what he’d be doing right now. 

My eyes fall shut with a groan. I try to shake my head free of those kinds of thoughts. The very thoughts I’ve been trying to push away this last month. But after so long, it’s almost too hard. I thought that the more time that passed would make it easier, but some days it’s harder than others. 

I really like it here. Everybody is nice and helpful. My boss is easygoing, supportive, communicates well, and helps me with any questions I may have. My workload is realistic, it’s familiar, and I enjoy it. 

But some moments when I’m so deep into my work, a thought pops into my head making me think that I’ll look up and see him there. Or some days I even think I hear his voice. Or I think the text I just got was from him. 

None of that happens. 

And it upsets me far more than it should. Some days I’m just better at ignoring it. I couldn’t have wished for a better “new job,” but sometimes I miss him. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because there isn’t anything I can do. I know I made the right decision to leave, but in the moments I get overwhelmed and frustrated with learning new tasks, I wish I could be sitting back in that desk down the hall from his office. I tell myself that I just miss the familiarity. But I know that I also miss him. 

His sweet cherry smile. 

His contagious laugh. 

His bizarre outfits that I looked forward to every day. 

His twinkling green eyes. 

The taco dates. 

The late-night hangouts in his office with wine coolers and take away. 

The silly yet frustrating Scrabble games. 

His smell. Sandalwood mixed with bergamot and cedar. 

And his jokes.

His raspy deep drawl. 

And his warm bear hugs. 

Pressing my fingers into my temples, I blink hard. The thoughts disappear for a second, but not long enough. I lift my head and settle my fingers on the letters of the keyboard.  The login screen is only blurry for a moment, and the moment passes. But the ache in my chest and the racing inside of my skull doesn’t stop. They only continue as I open up a document and continue my work, as I continue missing him. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop.

+ 

12:30 right on the dot. 

The black second-hand ticks past the three nears the four, and then the five. Fat snowflakes fall against my foggy window, blanketing the rest of London in its opaqueness. The words of David Gilmour and Roger Waters tickle my ears, but I don’t listen to them. The thoughts whirring around inside of my head keep them out. 

I wonder what she’s doing right now. 

Is she liking her new job?

Are they being nice to her?

Did she already eat lunch?

Are any blokes flirting with her?

Does she have her own desk?

What kind of place does she work at now?

Is she happy?

That thought weighs heavier than the others, and I feel it. My lips part and a long sigh leaves them. 

Knock knock! 

“Yeah?” I call out, not bothering to turn around. The bustling of double-deckers, cars, and people on the streets are more entertaining than any emails I should be reading. 

“Harry, are you going to join us?” I hear a familiar voice ask. 

“Yeah, ‘ll be there inna minute,” I answer, ignoring the tone of Myles’ voice. 

The sound of the door closing trickles past the music and into my ears. My head falls into my hands and I let my eyes close. My fingers find their way into my hair and I remain there for a second, feeling my breaths leave and enter me. 

I miss you, Becks. 

A few breaths later, my fingers fall. Now, they find the closed laptop sitting near me and the leather book atop it. Next, my feet find their way to the door. But they stop in front of it. All of the moisture in my throat suddenly disappears, and a giant old lump appears in its place. 

Oh, not again. 

I breathe in and out and wait until it passes. 

My ringed fingers wrap around the handle and turn it. Swallowing past the lump, my feet move again and down the hall. Knuckling at my eyes, I round the corner and quickly wipe at my eyes. 

“You okay, Harry?” Myles asks me, welcoming me when I sit down beside him in the large meeting room. 

“Yeah, jus’ got somethin’ in me eye,” I tell him, gulping hard. But there’s something in his ocean blue eyes that says different. He’s been a blessing putting up with my shit and excuses, but I think he knows more than he lets on. He’s always cared more than he shares. 

He pats my arm before he turns to face Jennings who begins to talk. “It’ll be alright, it always is,” he mentions in a whisper. 

I nod and turn my attention to Jennings. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t. I can’t focus, and I can’t believe him. Because the chaos of my mind continues. And so do the pictures of her scattered around in there. And so do the feelings, because no matter how hard I try to shut them off, they stay. Even after a bottle of brandy. But the alcohol doesn’t make me stop missing her, and hating myself for messing up. And for losing Becks. 

+

Alex Trebek’s voice welcomes my ears as I step foot into my flat. I jump when I hear Skye shout back at him. 

“What is Little Women!” she nearly screams, and her arms fly into the air when she gets it right. “Yessssss!” she exclaims, cheering for herself. Her pigtails the color of snow and blue cotton candy dance in the air around her. 

I laugh with a shake of my head, sighing as I shrug off my coat. 

“Oh hey, Boops,” she greets me, garnering an eye roll from me. 

“You know not to call me that,” I reply, closing the closet door that now holds my peacoat damp from the winter flurries. 

“I think I’m one of the few people allowed to call you that,” she replies, and I give her a glare in return. 

To no surprise, it doesn’t do anything, because she just picks up another gummy worm and feeds it between her lips coated in neon pink lipstick. 

“What, did your clients cancel their haircuts and colors because of the blizzard?” I ask her, padding over to the kitchen island. 

“Yeah, bloody idiots forgot how to drive in the snow or something,” she nearly hisses, but it doesn’t last long because she yells another answer at the tv. “What is the Mariana Trench!”

“Skye, we have neighbors you know,” I scold her as my eyes search the shelves of our refrigerator. “Also, would it kill you to do some grocery shopping, perhaps before we’re snowed in?”

“Yeah sorry, I meant to but I forgot.”

“What’s new,” I mumble under my breath. I grab the first thing of leftovers I see and pop it into the microwave. Rice and broccoli from last night. It’s just so exciting eating healthily. “You’re on grocery shopping duty next then.”

“Have you seen Harry yet at your new job?” Skye pipes up, ignoring my question. I truly wonder how many times I roll my eyes at her in one day or even one hour. 

“No, I told you that I’m in like the way back in the admin department in the courts. He would be on the other side in the actual courtrooms where the cases are held, silly.”

“Oh well sorrrrrrrrrry,” she retorts and then yells another answer at the tv. “Who is Martin Clunes!”

The microwave beeps as I reach up into the cupboard and pull down a mug at random. It has superheroes donning its sides - Batman, Superman, and Wonderman. An old one of my dad’s. But that’s not who it makes me think of. 

“Funnier is not a word!” 

“Oh yes, it ‘s! Jus’ look it up in tha dictionary, or better yet, on yer phone,” he giggles in reply. Shaking my head, I type the word into Google and feel a smirk begin to warm my cheeks. 

“Oh god, what ‘s that look for? I know that look’s no good.”

“So funnier is a word, huh?” I counter, feeling the smirk inch up my cheeks slowly. Turning my phone around, I show the Google page to him and watch his face morph into denial. A sneaky grin lines his lips as he resists to roll his eyes. His head falls next with a defeated sigh and he punches the pillow. 

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Harry Styles,” I tell him, my lips letting loose a laugh. He joins me before groaning and taking his word off of the board. 

“I needa break,” he huffs. The sofa whines from his shifting weight and I hear his footsteps trailing behind him. 

“Tea break?” I ask and hear a pleased ‘yes’ in return. 

“Here lemme, ‘s my turn anyways,” Harry insists, and I feel his hand on my back. Facing him, he winks a hazel-green eye at me. “Go pick yer word, Becks. Lemme take care of tha tea.”

I nod and begin to turn to walk away. I almost stop when I feel his long fingers rub a circle into my back. But I don’t, because they’re gone before I can blink. A silent sigh drops from my bottom lip as I walk away from him. 

You have no idea what you do to me, Harry Styles. 

The thoughts being sewn together in my mind revolve around something other than the Scrabble tiles sitting in front of me. Instead, they’re about how well the skinny blue jeans hug his legs and another asset of his. And how the black and blue flannel he wears makes him look insanely cozy. My God. 

“Don’ think so hard, Becks,” Harry titters, and I pull my eyes away from the Scrabble tiles that were beginning to grow blurry. I look to him with a question on my face and find him laughing with those eyes on me. “Can’t find any good words, eitha?”

“No,” I say with a shake of my head. I let my head fall to the back of the sofa I’m curled up against. 

“Tha’s fine. Why dontcha put it t’ tha side an’ we can do somethin’ else?”

“Like what?” I ask, moving our racks of tiles to the coffee table where the board sits. 

“I dunno, you can pick,” he answers. As I grab for the remote, I hear the pouring of water and the clinking of spoons. 

Yawning, I sink into the sofa and press the power button. The television screen comes to life in front of me and the last thing watched appears. I flip through the channels, and after a couple of programs, I arrive on a familiar scene. 

“Oooo, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” I hear, turning to find Harry arriving on the sofa next to me. I take the steaming Marvel mug in his outstretched hand with a ‘thank you.’ 

“I didn’t know you liked Harry Potter,” I mumble before blowing on my tea. After deciding it’s far too hot, I sit forward and set it down on a coaster. 

“Oh, I love it. I read a few o’ tha books when I was younger, an’ ya can’t find a betta movie. There’s nothin’ like these,” he answers, eyes already glued to the screen. He sets his tea aside with a clud on the table. “Here,” Harry says, and I look over to find him draping my velvet black star blanket over me. And him. 

“Mmmm, thanks,” I mumble happily, pulling it up to my shoulders. I feel him move around next to me before finally getting comfortable. 

“Yer welcome, bug. I think this issa good way t’ spend tha resta tha night. Too cozy an’ tired t’ do anythin’ else,” he comments with a laugh ending his words. 

I nod and tip my head to the side, not expecting to find his shoulder right there. I freeze and peek a look up at him. He notices and glances down at me. All he does is smile at me before his eyes go back to the scene on the television. 

I decide to stay there and he doesn’t seem to mind, only intent on commenting on the scene happening where Dumbledore first meets Voldemort. “Oooo, I like this part here. They make it look so cool with tha wisps o’ memories, an’ tha lighting ‘s incredible an’ so spooky.”

“Mmmmh, I always liked Tom Riddle, because of how creepy he is. And he’s much better looking than Voldemort,” I comment. 

“What?” Harry laughs, taking a peek at me. His thick eyebrows are scrunched in a disbelieving question as a smile pinches his dimpled cheeks. “But Tom Riddle ‘s Voldemort, ya goof.”

“Yeah I know, but like his younger self is far cuter than the noseless bald bloke he becomes,” I try to explain, but he only shakes his head with a few giggles. 

God, I think I could listen to that sound for hours on end. 

“Ya don’ make any sense, sometimes,” Harry chuckles. 

“Come on, yes I do! Wasn’t it like with every Horcrux he made he just started looking weirder?” I counter, nudging his shoulder with my own. 

“No, ya silly! It was cuz he was so deep into tha dark arts-.”

“Including making the Horcruxes!” I almost shout in argument. I watch the realization embed into his features, and I know I’ve won. 

“Okay fine, yer right. Well kinda. From what I rememba it has t’ do with that, an’ cuz he was a Slytherin an’ Parselmouth so he wanted t’ look like a snake. Y’know, tha lack o’ hair an’ nose? I also read that it could also be cuz he was one o’ tha last descendants of Salazar Slytherin,” Harry continues, words of admiration falling out one after the other. 

“Woooooow. I didn’t know we had a Harry Potter geek in the house,” I say, trying to stifle a laugh, but it doesn’t work. 

Another eye roll. 

Then possibly the most adorable pout I’ve ever seen as he moves away from me with a whimper. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I laugh, trying to pull him back over to me. But he’s so tall and long, that I have little success with my noodle arms. “Harry, I was just kidding.”

“Sure ya were,” he pouts, keeping his back to me as he settles on the other side of the couch. 

His name leaves my lips in a laugh. My fingers remain around one of his biceps, and I pull, but he doesn’t move an inch. I give up with an exaggerated sigh and my own whimper. 

Plopping myself back in my spot, I hunker down underneath the blanket. Pretending to watch the movie, I wait. 

“Yer not gonna get me with that pout,” Harry says all of a sudden. 

Taking that as a dare, I slowly look over at him. With knitted eyebrows and my bottom lip sticking out. A smile appears on his lips and blush fills his cheeks. His hands fall from his shoulder-length hair he’s just put into a bun. 

“Fine, ya got me. I can’ stay mad at that face,” he relents with words dipped in sugar. 

“You’re not the only one who can do a good puppy dog pout,” I comment as the couch dips with his movements. I feel his shoulder bump back into mine. I try not to smile too big as I tip my head to fall back against his shoulder. 

“Ya comfy, bug?” Harry mumbles next to me. 

“Mmmhmmm.”

“Good, ‘m glad me shoulder’s all comfy for ya,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. I see it in all its glory when I chance a look up at him and find him smiling down at me. 

It’s like looking into the sun. And like all of the times before - I never want to look away. 

I swallow hard, feeling the lump forming inside of me. 

“Can you please not bring him up anymore? It’s not helping the fact that I’m trying to forget him,” I spit at Skye, setting the mug down hard on the granite countertop. 

“Sorrrrrrrrrry. Goodness, what’s gotten into you today? I thought you were liking your new job, Ree.” 

“I am, I just don’t want to talk a-about Harry anymore,” I reply, pressing the button to open the microwave. The smell of broccoli and garlic trickles past me. 

“You can’t even say his name,” she laughs, and I groan as I stir the broccoli and brown rice around in the hot glass bowl. “Heeeey, I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know why you gave up on him, you could always go back and finish your . . .” 

Skye’s words trail behind me as my feet pad down the hallway to my bedroom. You’re not helping me to forget him, Skye. 

You’re only making me remember him, and I’ve been trying so hard lately not to. 

My quilt several shades of pink welcomes my return as I plop onto my bed. Shoveling a bite of broccoli and garlic rice into my mouth, I grab the remote and turn on my tv. Reaching for the Fire Stick remote teetering on the edge of the table, I push it and instead of grab. It clatters to the hardwood floor and I groan in response. Setting my dinner on the wood table, I regrettably leave my bed to retrieve it. Flicking on my lamp, I squat by the table and peer into the space behind my table. 

There it is. The long black rectangle waits for me there. But just as I’m reaching for it, another rectangle catches my eye. This time, it’s a white one. 

“Huh?” I mumble, feeling the stiff paper welcome my hands. 

I flip it over and the light catches on it. The long envelope stares back at me, and so do the letters on its front. My name in black pen interrupts the white expanse, but that’s not the writing that I’m focusing on. It’s the return address. 

Styles and Lawson 418 Stevens St.  London UK

Turning it over, I finger at the sealed edge. I don’t realize I’m doing it, but I bite at my bottom lip as I debate whether to open it. I can’t stop wondering what’s inside, and the postage date of December 18th only makes my curiosity burn brighter. And the fact that I’ve never seen this before in my life. 

“Skye, why do I have a letter from Styles and Lawson that I’ve never opened or seen before?” I yell to her through my half-open door. 

“Oh, that? I put it on your bedside table when it came that day. How am I supposed to know why you haven’t opened it?” she quips, as dumbfounded as I am. 

“It was behind my table, so it must have fallen.”

“Ya think?!” she replies with her usual loud volume, followed by another Jeopardy shout. 

I rip it open without another moment of hesitation. The paper makes a satisfying sound. A matte white paper looks back at me. The numbers and watermark on it tell me what it is. My fingers recoil instinctively when I touch the glossy object. I instead pull it out by its edges. 

Splashes of red and green and long-forgotten faces stare back at me. Myles. Mickey. Rose. Jennings. Myles. Rory. And Harry. Their faces are followed by the words “Merry Christmas from all of us at Styles and Lawson. Wishing you a happy Christmas and a fantastic New Year!” in a blocky white font. Little holly berry branches decorate the corners of the picture. A picture taken months ago at one of their big meetings, I assume. The sun is shining in through the window, and Harry’s hair isn’t as long. Everybody’s arms are around each other and a big goofy smile sits on his face. Tongue out and all. 

I do it before I can stop myself. My finger dances around the outline of his face, and down the black and maroon suit he wears in the picture. Probably the only printed picture I have of him, and one of the few I have in total. But there are enough burned into my brain that I’m already trying to erase. 

I toss them both onto the floor, leaving them behind my table where I wish they would’ve stayed in the first place. I return to my broccoli and rice and play a new video on YouTube. It does a good job of drowning out his voice in my head, but not good enough. 

I want ya t’ come back, Becks. I want us t’ try again . . .. . . .. 

+

Shades of brown dance around in the steaming water. I watch them twirl together and meet one another. The water slowly grows darker and darker as steam rises off of the surface. 

“If you stare any harder, I think your superpowers will come out and it’ll explode,” somebody says wryly.

“Wow, I didn’ know you were a comedian,” I respond, wrapping my fingers around the warm metal chain. 

“I didn’t know you were eco-friendly all of a sudden,” Myles says, nodding his head towards my cup of tea. “Or a little kid, with that dorky thing.”

“Oh shuddup,” I respond, watching the brown liquid fall from the pink silicone pig tea infuser. “It makes me feel good tryna save tha environment, an’ this li’l thing ‘s bloody cute.”

“Sure, if you’re a bleeding first-grader,” he responds with a titter, pulling a mug down from the shelf. 

“Yer jus’ jealous,” I quip as I pry off the pig’s head and dump the soggy tea leaves into the waste bin. 

Myles laughs and walks around me to the black fridge to take out the carton of milk. I blow on my steaming mug, watching little waves form in the brown water from my breath. A little water tornado forms from my next breath. I watch in fascination as it twirls around in the mug before finally tapering out. 

“You okay, Hare?” Myles asks, his voice taking on a softer tone. A friendly tone. “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. You haven’t even been drinking coffee much, and that’s odd.”

“I’m fine,” I answer, bringing the mug to my lips and avoiding his eye contact. Setting the mug down on the counter, I chance a look inside the fridge and wonder what to have for lunch. 

“Is it Becky leaving? Is that why you’ve been acting differently?” Myles prods, nearly pulling a sigh from my lips. Or a groan. 

“I said ‘m fine, My,” I nearly retorted, my eyes glazing over the lone yogurts and forgotten sandwiches occupying the shelves. Slamming the door, I walk away and pick up my phone from the table in the center of the room. Maybe some takeaway. 

“Hare, you know you can talk to me about it,” Myles insists, throwing his hands up in the air. I ignore him, typing something on my phone, but I can see him out of the corner of my eye. 

Like he often does, he uses his hands to talk and they jump in the air only to fall with an exasperated sigh. Then they comb through his tousled blonde hair. 

“I hate seeing you like this, and not knowing how to help,” he continues softly. I give up, pressing the lock button on my phone and shoving it into my pants. 

I finally face him and look in his distraught brown eyes. 

“I miss her, Myles! I connected with Becky, a-and I screwed it up. I called her a liar and Amber was harassing her tha whole damn time without me knowing!” I confess, feeling the weight of the words fall from my shoulders as I finally say them. But the emotion rises in my throat, no matter how hard I try to hold it back. “She was amazing! She put up with me shit, and yet she stood up fer herself when she needed t’. She was funny, she was smart, she was beautiful, an’ I fooked it up!” The emotion eats at my words and by now, the horses are already out of their gates. And I don’t know how to corral them back in. “I hate feeling this way, but I dunno how you can help or even how I can help myself, Myles. So ‘m not g-gonna be myself ‘til I learn how t’ get ova this.”

I don’t know what to do. I steal a glance at him and find the sadness in his eyes is worse than before. I can’t handle it, and so I lift my feet and soon I’m walking out of the room. Leaving my tea, and the god awfully cute tea infuser pig. The one she got me before she left. 

“I saw it and immediately thought of you.”

“Wow, thanks, that makes me feel all warm an’ bubbly inside.”

“No, silly, I just mean it looked like something you’d like. And since you drink tea so much. And you’ve been buying metal straws and bamboo toothbrushes . . It seemed fitting. And isn’t the little piggy just so cute?”

“Yeah, I guess yer right . . . it really ‘s cute.”

Winding my way around coworkers, I suddenly find myself in front of the elevator stabbing at the buttons. I don’t even register which one I’ve pushed, because I want to be anyplace but here. Today is worse than most because anywhere I look there’s a memory of her stuck there. And they jump into my head and start playing before I can stop it. 

The elevator doors open with a ding and I step into the empty four walls, gladly. Rubbing at my eyes, I stab at the button for the parking garage my car is at. With a sigh, I feel some of the tension boiling inside of me leave. I get rid of the warm tears painted under my eyes and blink hard until my vision is clear again. 

Suddenly, the doors open and I nearly curse out loud when I see who’s waiting. The look on his face says that he feels about the same way. I step to the side, allowing him room to join me. He almost changes his mind, but he steps on and presses the button for 17. An awkward silence surrounds us as the elevator hums to life, dinging with each floor it passes. 

“Can I ask you a question?” I blurt out loud, doubting myself the second the words pass the threshold of my lips. 

His confused gray eyes rise and lock with mine, a question on his face. “What?” he answers, nearly annoyed with me. 

“I’m sorry, we’ve neva really talked and ‘ve neva been very nice t’ ya-,” I try, but he stops me. 

“Yeah, you haven’t, Harry, and so why should I? The last time I did a favor for you it didn’t really turn out too great,” Asher responds sharply, moving further away from me shaking his head. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he changes his focus to that. 

I look away and bite at my bottom lip. 

Way to go, Harry. 

But then the words are being shoved past my tongue and I can’t stop them. 

“I . . . jus’ wanna know if she’s doin’ alright,” they say, and I’m not even sure if he heard me with how quiet they were. 

Staring ahead, I see his head of blonde quiffed hair rise. He doesn’t say anything right away, but instead, he seems to think about it before he raises his head fully. 

“She’s okay,” he responds, with certainty to his words. And with those words, they take a little more of the tension I feel coating my body. 

“Good, ‘m glad t’ hear that . . . Is she uh liking her new job?”

“Yeah, she said it’s good. I dunno if I should be telling you this, but uh she found a clerk job in town. The same sorta thing as what she did here, which is good and makes switching jobs easier,” he continues, and I soak up every word because they’re about her. I wish I could hear these words from her mouth. But I can’t, and that’s my fault. 

“A-an’ they’re good t’ her there?” I continue, not knowing how to articulate the rambling thoughts in my head. 

“Yeah, they are,” Asher says, looking at me briefly. I look back and I watch his expression soften. “She’s doing well, Harry. She misses it here sometimes, but she’s adjusting and I think she’s where she needs to be right now.”

He doesn’t get to say anything more, because the elevator doors glide open. 

“Thank you, Asher . . I really mean it,” I tell him, giving a small smile. He nods and steps off and out of sight. 

And thus began our random elevator talks. I looked forward to them, even if they only lasted a couple minutes. And even if I only got to hear a vague update about her. And even if it made trying to forget her harder. 

+

The halls are quiet. A ghost town from earlier in the day where hundreds of feet traveled, and even just twenty minutes ago. But it’s the lunch hour, and everybody else has the same idea as me. To leave. Now, my black mod boots are the only sound on the speckled floors. The tall ceilings hide fluorescent lights and the gorgeous stained glass also hides, but from the snow. Identical snowflakes fall in the sky outside, and I pull my coat tighter around me in preparation to join it. 

The snowflakes melt in my hair and try to fly into my face, the wind pushing them this way and that. My car takes forever to warm up, making me curse myself for forgetting my matching violet hat and mittens on my desk. It only has just begun to warm up when I pull up in front of the towering brick building. Flocks of people rush to the doors from their cars, and the other way around. The vents blasting out warm air hush when I turn the key, bringing the chill with it. 

Well, this is it. My lungs heave a nervous breath and I try to sike myself up to even just open the door. But my thoughts get the best of me, and strings of what-ifs and doubts circle in my mind. 

What’s the point?

What if it turns out the same way as before?

What if I can’t do it?

What if I’m not good enough?

What if I made the right decision to leave?

Why should I try again?

What if I don’t like it anymore?

How can I do it by myself again when I never could the first time?

What if I fail?

Finally, I open the door and get out before I can stop. And I decide to leave all of the what-ifs and doubts there. Behind me. I focus on picking up my feet and putting one in front of the other until I’m standing in front of the familiar doors I haven’t stood before in a long time. 

The warmth welcomes me and so does the familiar smells of books and fried chips. The smells I always associated with this place. Lines of people fill the entrance and conversations paint the air. The Christmas decorations are long gone, and new knick-knacks and flyers replace them. Instead, cheesy Easter decorations line the bulletin boards. Yellow baby chicks. Pink fluffy banners. Easter eggs colored in patchy by tiny hands. Colorful signs advertise local events, reminders, schedules, and many more things I don’t have the time for. 

Pushing back the sleeve of my coat, I peek at my watch. I have 20 more minutes until I have to be back at work. Oh goodness, I hope I won’t regret this. 

But I don’t think I will, because I’m finally doing something about all of the nagging thoughts and ideas I’ve had the last few weeks. And I’m proud of myself for at least taking the first step. 

Stopping in front of the Information Desk, I’m met with a cheery smile asking me how they can help me. 

“Hi, I was hoping to speak with an advisor, a Mrs. Shepherd,” I begin, feeling the words roll off my tongue with hesitance. I’m surprised with myself for even remembering the name.

“Do you have an appointment with her?” she responds, looking away from her computer she types on. 

“No, I uh was just on my lunch break and I was hoping to meet with her to speak about something.”

“Alright. I’m going to need your name and what your question is for her,” the lady replies, looking between her computer screen and me. I pause, focusing on the fake yellow chick sitting atop her screen. Her heavily lined eyes wait for me behind her pink framed glasses, and her curly brown hair dances in the wind from her mini fan. 

“My name is Rebecca Holte, and I wanted to speak with Sally about finishing up my last 30 credits of my law degree.”

[dragon-star-light-knb]

What He Likes About You

This will be a short one, but we're getting closer to when he decides to ask you out. Oh bet you are all smiling now. Anyway quick little bit of information you should know before you it has be around a month since you first meet them, and you have become friends. Well as close as can be with some of them anyway. Also it will be in his POV.

Key:

(H/C)- Hair Color

Akaski:

I walk into my office, and as usual there's a cup of tea and a muffin. (L/N) did this for me ever morning. At first I told her to stop, but she didn't. At some point I grew to enjoy seeing it there on my desk. She was like that she could be very stubborn and was helping people who needed it. She would always help other, but she would always help me first. She always looked at me before agreeing to anything. If I didn't think it was good idea, she wouldn't do it, well most of the time anyway. I sit down and open my laptop, and open a certain file hidden with in a special document in it. I never understood why I created this in the first place, but I did. It was a list of what I liked about (F/N). I look through the list.

1. She is always there to help. (Even when you don't want her help.)

2. Her smile that seemed to light up the room.

3. The way she won't back down from me.

4. How she seem to be a magnet for trouble. (Then I'm there to help when she is in to deep.)

5. Somehow no matter what the situation was she is always able to keep her dignity.

6. She able to clam me down.

7. She can a complete klutz, and is always tripping and falling. But she gets right back up. (Well most of the time, and if she doesn't I'm there to help her up.)

8. She never gives up. Even if she fails, she just tries again.

9. How she is very sensitive, but doesn't show it until she think she is alone. (I know where she will hide to cry.)

10. She is beautiful.

"Good morning, Akaski." I look up to see you standing there. "What are you looking at?" She leans across the desk to get a better look, but I shut me laptop before she could.

"None of your business." I respond not wanting to her to know. She pouts, looking a little cute. I quickly shake my head back and forth at the thought.

"Fine, come on we have five minutes before class starts." She say walking towards the door. I get up and follow her out of the door walking towards the class.

Aomine:

I let out a sigh as (F/N) drags me to basketball practice I didn't want to go, but she stronger then I gave her credit for. Most days she was to only reason anyone ever sees me at practice. She was literally dragging me down the hall by the collar of my uniform. Why I put up this I had no clue, but honestly for some reason it made me happy to see her. My mind then wonder to why I like her in the first place.

1. Her chest is a pretty nice size.

2. Her fiery personality.

3. The sparkle in her eyes when someone talks about basketball.

4. She can stand up for herself.

5. No matter what I do to chase her away she always comes back.

6. She won't bow down to anyone.

7. She actually makes me want to come to school and go to class. (Though she and Momoi drag me there.)

8. She can cook and is good at it.

9. Hearing her laugh makes me want to make her laugh even more.

10. She is amazing and stunning.

"Hey Aomine we are here." (L/N) say dragging me through the door. Momoi takes over when she steps into the gym.

"Thank you for getting him here."

"No problem, but I have to go I'm late for something." She waves goodbye and dashes out the door. I watch her go and I'm I bit disappointed. I sigh as Momoi makes me practice.

Kagami:

I sit with (F/N), Kuroko, and Lucy at lunch. I was stuffing my face with food and (F/N) told me to slow down or I might choke. I slow down a little, but just enough to satisfy her. She smiles and turns her attention to the other two and starts up a conversation about the new class project. I smile at how cute she looks pouts about having to do it.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wait, what I'm I thinking. Sure she's nice, funny, and fairly smart, but cute no.... Well, maybe a little. What I'm I even thinking? I study her and try to clear my thoughts with a list.

1. She'll practice basketball with me, even if she isn't that good. (Or are you?-Dragon. Wink Wink.)

2. She helps me study so I don't fail any class.

3. The way she always seems to get in fight with someone twice her size, but it gives me a chance to save her.

4. No matter what happens she is always there support me.

5. The way you puff your cheeks out when your annoyed at something making you look like cute.

6. You never under any circumstances back down from a challenge or competition.

7. You are willing to stuff your face and not worry about getting fat.

8. No matter what happens you seem to be around to help him if he needs it.

9. Some how your smile is the prettiest thing he has ever seen.

10. You have a way of looking and acting elegant under most circumstances.

"Hey, Kagami time to go." I'm brought out of thought when you snap your fingers in front of my face. You walk of with Kuroko and Lucy leaving me to scramble.

"Coming." I quickly pack my things and rush after them.

Kise:

I watch as (F/N) giggles at somethings Yui says. The teacher had just left the room and everyone began whispering amongst themselves. I watch as she pushes a strand of her pretty (H/C) hair behind her ear as she leans forward to hear Yui better. I had to admit (F/N) could be a model if she wanted to, but that would mean more guys would flirt with then before. Why should I care though? It not like I'm dating her or anything.

Sure, I like her, but do I like like her. I start listing reason why I liked her in the first place in one of my notebooks.

1. She encourages me in anyway she can.

2. The way her eyes light up when she watches basketball.

3. No matter what happens she always gets back up.

4. Her smile is something that I want to make sure is always on her face.

5. Though she may look dense she real isn't, well most of the time away.

6. She always finds away to get me away from my fangirls if I need help.

7. She will help me study.

8. She will come to any game she can to support me.

9. She protects her friends no matter what.

10. She says that you should always follow your dreams and never tie anyone down even if it hurts you.

"What are you doing Kise?" (F/N) is leaning over trying to look at what I was writing. I close the notebook quick a put it in my bag.

"Nothing."

"Well if you say so, come on we're going to be late for lunch if you don't hurry." She say sliding out of her seat. I nod and follow. I must have been out of it seeing I didn't hear the bell for lunch.

Kuroko:

I watch as (F/N) and Sasha hand out water bottles and towels to the rest of the basketball team. They were both the unofficial mangers of the team. They said they could come to ever practice because of some secret matter. (F/N) looks around and finally notices me. She smiles and walks over handing me my towel and a water bottle. "Here you go." She smiles then walks off. I watch as she walks away. Then my heart starts beating faster and my face heats up a little.  Is it possible that I like her?

1. She always is around to help.

2. Tetsuya 2# and her get along, and he likes her.

3. She will practice with me.

4. Her smile makes me want to smile.

5. She makes really great vanilla milkshakes.

6. If she loses sight of me she tries very hard to find me again.

7. She is gentle and sweet as long as you don't make her mad.

8. She can talk with me for hours and not get bored.

9. Anything to do with basketball or animals will make her happy.

10. She is the most perfect girl that I have ever met.

"See you tomorrow Kuroko!" (F/N) say waving walking out of the gym door. I lift my hand waving goodbye back.

Midorima:

I watch as (F/N) sits down at her desk and place her lucky item on her desk. It was a paper fan today. She pulls out a book and starts reading it. Most of the time she would start talking to me immediately upon arriving in the class room. I wonder what is going on, but it's like I care or anything. I open one of my notebooks to see a list. I had forgotten I had even written this; it was a list of the ten things I like about (F/N).

1. She is interested in zodiac like I am.

2. She has a way of making me want to smile.

3. The way here eyes light up when talking basketball.

4. If I can't find my lucky item, she always finds a way to get it.

5. She understands my personality and will try not to take offense to anything I say.

6. She has a way of making the people around her clam and relaxed.

7. Her smile is pretty.

8. She can compete with me on a intellectual level.

9. Her only flaw is she likes cats, but she looks kinda cute when she sees one and gushes over it.

10. She may not be older, but I don't care.

"Morning (L/N)." Takao says waving a hand in front of her face. She looks up and says morning, and then goes back to reading. Takao just looks at me and shrugs.

"I knew it!" (F/N) cheers suddenly. She closes her book and places it back into her bag. "I was right Midorima that guy was the killer. I so happy." She smiles happily giving me a quick hug. That explains why she wasn't paying attention when she is reading a mystery she doesn't really pay much attention to anything around her. I watch as she begins to tell Takao all about the book, and I give a slight smile at the sight.

Murasakibara:

I watch as (F/N) skips into the classroom smiling and say good morning to everyone. She then starts walking over to our desks, but she her attention is changed when someone calls out to her. She gives me wave as she is dragged of by one of her friends. I let out a sigh and continue munching on chips. I was kinda of looking forward to hearing (F/N) go on about some random topic, plus she gives me a lollipop every morning. She also makes my tummy feel funny and my heart beat fast. I told Himuro about, and he said I like her. But why would I like her.

1. She likes candy and sweets.

2. She gives me candy.

3. She is an amazing baker and makes these really good cookies.

4. Her laugh is sweet to my ears.

5. She cheers me on during basketball practice or games, as long as she can come.

6. No matter what mood I'm in she is always there for me.

7. She enjoys watching and talking about basketball, but she doesn't push it knowing I can become annoyed.

8. She a personality that if she happy the people around her are as well.

9. She is tall, but not as tall as me. She is a little shorter than Himuro.

10. She is very pretty and kind.

"Here you go." She says handing me a lollipop snapping me out of my train of thought. I take the candy giving her a lazy smile, and she smile brightly back.

[fericita-s]

Vanished (part 3)

Part One Part Two

on AO3

Third installment of four, Rated M, an Agduna Frozen story, amnesia AU. This chapter owes a debt of gratitude to @the-spastic-fantastic​ who pointed out we hadn’t yet let Iduna notice Agnarr with his sleeves rolled up, requested drunk and depressed Agnarr (and added even more devastating details to that scene) and as always did a wonderful job beta-ing and working through this with me.

Part Three

The letter arrived to the Sommerhus before she and Elsa did, Agnarr’s mark in the wax that sealed it together.  Iduna thought he must have written while she was packing clothes and toys, directing which servants were to accompany them.   She had also scribbled off a hasty note to Thea and Linnea inviting them to come visit and putting a cheerful slant on her hurried departure. 

Please come see Elsa and me at the Sommerhus! Agnarr is staying in the palace, royal duties preclude his presence.

Elsa loved the journey north, looking out the window of the carriage and pointing at every new animal and person and house she could see.  “Baa! Sheep! Cow! Moo!” When they arrived at the house, Elsa had craned her neck around each corner as she toddled through, calling “Papa?” Iduna felt the prick of tears in her eyes, and swept them away quickly, before Elsa would see and turn the whole cottage cold with frost in sympathetic worry.

As the servants unloaded the carriage and trunks and the cook set up the pantry and a light meal for dinner, Iduna put Elsa in her crib for a nap and took the letter upstairs.  She settled into an unused bedroom. She couldn’t bring herself to use the room that she and Agnarr had occupied on previous trips.�� For having hardly any memories, the ones she did have were certainly plaguing her now.

She expected a quickly jotted note, a “Please forgive me,” or a “Please come home,” or perhaps even a “I am your King, you must do as I command.  Come home now or I’ll take our daughter away from you.” It didn’t seem like him to do that, but then did she truly know him?  After keeping such a big lie, what else could he be hiding?

Instead, the note was two pages of cramped writing, Agnarr’s hand faint in some places and overly strong in others as if he was having trouble controlling his emotions as he wrote.  She put a hand to her cheek as she read, and this time, let her tears fall.

             My Dearest Iduna,

I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll ask for it just the same.  I will write down for you all that I know of you, some in this letter, and more to follow each day.   But if you find that your tastes have changed, know that my love has not. I loved you when we were fourteen.  I loved you still at twenty-four when we pledged ourselves to each other. And I love you now at twenty-six with a child of our own.  I will love you whether or not you remember anything and whether or not you are the same girl with whom I fell in love.  I will love you in this life, and every life, and hope that we can share this one again soon.

Your lips were cold the first time we kissed, almost frozen.  You took me to a spring of water, you told me it was the purest in the whole forest. The water was clear and cold and you said there was legend about it wielding the power of truth.  That those who drank of it would tell their secrets.  You drank first, cupping your hand into the water and bringing it to your mouth.  The water dribbled down your hand and from a corner of your mouth and I was mesmerized by the sight, wanting nothing more than to kiss the spot on your lips that was wet, to take your truth and make it my own.  I dipped my hands in the water and drank too, and said the first thing that came to mind, a truth so basic and fundamental but one I had not said out loud to you before. “I love you." You smiled and said “I love you too.”

I leaned in to kiss you, and the cold water made us both gasp and then laugh.  But soon we had made our own heat and the relief and joy I felt at saying those words and hearing you say them warmed me brighter than the summer sun at noon.  I wish I could tell you if you were nervous or excited or impatient for me to say those words but I don't know. As well as I knew you then, I won't guess at your inmost thoughts and I hope they come back to you someday. But I will tell you mine - and they are that I love you wholly and desperately, that I am so sorry for betraying your trust, that being your husband and the father to our daughter is worth more than this kingdom or any other.  I love you.  You don't ever have to forgive me but I hope you will believe that I love you.

Yours, Agnarr

Iduna folded the letter and got into the bed, letting herself cry for the girl she was and couldn’t remember, and over the husband who knew them both but had kept it from her.

***

Every day, letters came.  Some were as long as the first, some were short. They made her laugh and cry and rage. She might have ignored them altogether, but she was so eager to know about who she was and who they had been. And she hated that she was dependent on him for that.  That he could have told her this a year or two ago and chose not to.

***

My Dearest Iduna,

Your anger is justified, but please know nothing will ever change my love for you and our daughter.                                                                                                                   Yours, Agnarr

***

At the end of the first week, Agnarr arrived and delivered a stack of letters to her in person. She was holding Elsa who squealed and clapped her hands together at the sight of him, and she wiped the tiny icicles that grew from Elsa’s fingers.  Agnarr kissed Iduna on the cheek and whispered urgently in her ear. “Read them alone and burn them when you’re through.”

When she started to read, she knew why they couldn’t be kept.  He had written to her about the Northuldra – the rituals, the legends, the spirits, the names of her family members and what they were like. Songs that he remembered.  Foods she liked to eat. Speculation on how Elsa’s powers might be related to the enchantments of the forest, though it was a unique magic he didn’t think had been seen there before.  He had given her his study of the Northuldra people. 

Having it might get her killed, even as the queen. Lord Hannesel and others still fueled resentment against the Northuldra and there were rumors he was gathering support.  Agnarr had even told the maid who had heard Iduna sing the Northuldra lullaby a carefully concocted story of his remembrance of the tune from a trip there, explaining that he had taught his wife.

She put the stack into the fire but held the last one a bit longer, waiting until all the others were burned before parting with it.

My Dearest Iduna,

Your birthday is September 5th, a time when the leaves in your forest start to change and the colors are so bright it seems like the trees have dressed up to celebrate you. Your mother gave you a shawl at birth with the patterns of the spirits on it.  It wasn’t with us the day we escaped the mist.  

We wrapped it around our hands when we were handfasted.

I was so hopeful we would create peace between our people.  My father had been getting more aggressive and insistent in matchmaking for an alliance with a European nation, angry at my declaration that I would marry you. I thought if we had our own ceremony, just the two of us, and if we had the privilege of creating a new life, it would force him to accept us. We could also create a new and peaceful life for both of our nations.

You took me to a cave and we sat alone. How my hand trembled as you held It.  How comforting it felt to be wrapped up in your shawl, and how impossible it was to imagine my life without you.  It still is.                                                                               Yours, Agnarr

***

At the end of the second week, Thea and Linnea came to visit.  Linnea and Elsa played outside while Thea and Iduna took tea in a private area of the grounds. 

“I’m surprised the king’s not here.  Elias said council meetings were cancelled last week and this week too.  No one has seen him for some time. I half thought I would find him here when we arrived!”

Iduna shook her head.  “No.  He’s been to visit, but not to stay.” She looked at Thea, deciding if she could share the reason why. But if she told her, would she be in danger too? 

For the first time, she understood Agnarr’s decision to keep her identity hidden. But it didn’t give her any relief.

***

“Agnarr.  Ag! Wake up!” Elias entered the king’s bedchambers, waving off the guard and servants. He shut the door behind him and moved to open the tightly drawn curtains.  The sunlight streamed in on a sorry sight.

Agnarr was lying face down on the bed, clad only in trousers.  Elias looked to the heaps of clothing on the floor, the trays of untouched food, full glasses of water, and the two bottles of akvavit uncorked, empty, and lying on their sides.

He sat on the bed next to Agnarr and began slapping the soles of his feet.  “Sit up, Ag.  Get up!”

Agnarr groaned and rolled over, putting an arm over his eyes.  He made a move to sit up, but groaned again instead.

“Thea sent me here.  She visited Iduna this week and could tell something was wrong, though Iduna didn’t say what. She told me to come here and fix whatever it was so her friend won’t be so sad anymore.  So you see? You’re making a liar of me too.  Because I can guess what this is about.  And if I’m right, I won’t be able to tell my wife the truth.  So thanks for that.”

Agnarr remained silent, but managed to move into a sitting position.  He cradled his head in his hands and leaned his elbows on his knees.

Elias’s voice was sharp, his words meant to hurt. “Thea was always talking about how romantic it was, the two of you, and how amazing Iduna told her the…physical aspect of your relationship was.  How intuitive you were.”  He snorted and shook his head.  “And I'll never tell her it's because you've loved Iduna since you were fourteen and were handfasted at twenty-four, and married a whole year before this fiasco began to unfold.”

Agnarr blindly groped for one of the glasses of water, knocking one over but grabbing one next to it.  He drank slowly, eyes closed.

“Did she find out? She knows who she is and she knows you lied about it?”

Agnarr set the glass down and turned to face his friend.  Elias saw the red rimmed eyes, the unshaven cheeks, the sunken look of him.  “I've ruined it. I've ruined us.”  His voice was raw.  “And now she has no one and our child won't know me.  And why should she? A liar and a coward is all I am.  Better fatherless than to have me.”

Elias was silent a moment and then moved to put an arm around his friend.  “What will you do? Is it really beyond fixing?”

Agnarr took a short breath, his breath hitching and his voice held a strange timber as he replied.  “I don’t know.”

“Give her time, Ag.” Elias sighed.  “Keep apologizing and give her time.”

***

He kept writing and at the end of every week he came to the Sommerhus to hand-deliver letters about Northuldra customs and the details of her family in the Enchanted Forest.   Iduna would read them and then burn them as she looked out of the upstairs window as Agnarr and Elsa played outside. Father and daughter would walk through the fields or woods, stopping to inspect interesting insects and beautiful flowers and the feel of a small creek. Iduna could see them from her upstairs window.  She would pause in her reading to see Agnarr with his shirt sleeves rolled up, holding the flowers that Elsa picked or lifting her high onto his shoulders so she could get a better view of a woodpecker.  There were times she wanted to go and hold his hand, to run her fingers along the familiar curve of his forearms she so admired.  But after he read their daughter fairy tales and rocked her to sleep, he slept on the floor in her room on a pile of blankets and cushions.  And, after silently checking in on them, Iduna would retire to the room where she slept alone.

***

My Dearest Iduna,

             My greatest fear, other than harm coming to you or Elsa, is that Elsa’s magic was given to her because I lied to you.  Did the spirits see my actions and give us a child with magic so that I would tell you about your ties to a land so blessed with it? If so, they must want to punish me greatly for failing that twice.  And I want to punish myself.  But Elias, who has known all of this, says it is not helpful.  That I should be patient and contrite.  So I will be.  Because you deserve that and so much more.  Yours, Agnarr  

***

“Happy Birthday, Elsa!” Linnea jumped out of the sled as soon as it pulled up to the Sommerhus.  Elsa waved and Iduna shouted from the front steps.

“It’s so cold! Hurry inside!”

Captain Calder helped his wife down from the sled and then collected a pile of brightly wrapped presents from underneath their seats.  They hurried to the warmth of the house, shucking their coats and hats and mittens and knocking snow from their boots as they came through the door.

“Are Elias and Thea here yet? The roads are treacherous today.”

Iduna took the topmost packages and shook her head. “No, not yet.  But they might have waited on Agnarr to join them.  And I’m sure Elias will ask the driver to go slowly.  He has been so cautious since Thea began to show.”

Linnea took a present from her father’s arms and gave it to Elsa.  “Open this one now! I made it for you!”

Elsa took the package and hugged it to her chest. “Thank you!”

Iduna laughed.  “You’ll have to show her what to do.  She doesn’t know she has to open it.”

Linnea pulled at the ribbon and it fell to the floor, and then pulled at a corner of the wrapping until it ripped.  “Now your turn!”

Elsa looked doubtful about the wisdom of ripping the paper, but did as she was told and soon discovered a fabric doll, with a blue dress, yellow hair, and a small crown on its head.  Elsa hugged it to herself.  “Baby!”

Linnea smiled. “Yes, a babydoll! I made her look like you, only I had to guess at the hair color since you’re still mostly bald.  And I used one of my old dresses for her dress so she is a very fancy baby doll.  Shall we go show her your room?”

They ran upstairs, the other presents on the pile forgotten.  Iduna breathed a sigh of happiness, a tight feeling in her chest at Elsa’s delight, and bent down to pick up the strips of wrapping paper that had scattered on the floor, like bright and cheerful snowflakes.  “She loves it when Linnea comes.  I think she gets lonely here.”

Mrs. Calder tilted her head and looked at Iduna. “Agnarr hasn’t joined you here yet?”

Iduna looked down, looking to where Captain Calder had stacked the remaining presents. “No, it’s been too difficult for him to leave the castle.”  A blush was creeping up her neck and she pressed the wrapping and ribbon into a ball and worried it with her hands.

Mrs. Calder looked to her husband, who cleared his throat and changed the subject. “I’m fairly certain Agnarr was bald for the first two years of his life.  It’s quite common in children with light-colored hair.”

A gust of cold air swept in as Thea, Elias, and Agnarr came inside. “Did I just hear someone call me bald?”

Captain Calder laughed and clapped him on the back.  “Happy birthday to your little one!  Two years old!”

Hugs and greetings were passed around as everyone discussed the snow, the cold, and the delight of celebrating a birthday with the happy royal family. Agnarr and Iduna shared an awkward look, and Agnarr leaned over to kiss Iduna’s cheek in greeting. She stayed very still, hands grasping the ball of paper, unsure if she should respond or not, wishing her body wasn’t longing for more touch from Agnarr, the heat from his kiss making her feel as if the whole room had been warmed.

Thea groaned. “Having children is a blessing, but being pregnant is surely a curse of biblical proportions. Elias, help me take my coat off.”

Mrs. Calder and Elias both helped her, and then ushered her into a chair by the fire and Iduna excused herself to get her a glass of water. She listened to their voices as Captain Calder mused about the state of the roads, Elias wondered whether or not the driver needed help settling the horses in the barn, and Thea and Mrs. Calder decided if it was better to sit close to the fire and prevent a chill or further from it so as not to get overheated.  Iduna smiled, glad to hear the voices of friends, of her family.

“Iduna.”

She turned and saw Agnarr, his hands behind his back. She wished she hadn’t discarded the ball of paper.  Bunching it in her hands to conceal her emotions had felt satisfying in a way holding a glass of water did not. Her heart sped up and she wondered if he had a new letter for her. She wondered if he would kiss her, hug her, hold her, now that the Calders were here to see their interactions.

She wondered if she wanted that.

“I didn’t write a letter this time; with the Calders here, I…”

She nodded in understanding, trying to keep any look of disappointment from her face. Today was for Elsa, not her.  “Of course.”

“But also, with the Calders here I thought we could, if you want to of course, and only if you feel comfortable, we could tell them about your origins.  Elias knows already and I know you think of them as family.  We can trust them. And I don’t think it would endanger them, with Lord Hannesel off the council and public opinion slowly changing.”

“If we can trust them, why didn’t you tell them three years ago?”

A faint redness appeared on Agnarr’s neck and he nodded quickly to her, almost a bow.  “I should have.  I should have told you too. Every day I think about how I could have gone about this all differently.  What I could have done better.  What I could have done right.”

Iduna handed him the glass of water. “Bring this to Linnea? I’ll get the glogg ready for everyone else. I gave the staff the week off since the weather looked to be so bad.  I knew they’d want to be home with their families.”

Agnarr took the offered glass.  “Think about it? You don’t need to give me an answer, now or…you know, ever.  But think about it.”

Their fingers touched as the glass passed between them and Iduna felt a shiver run through her.  She turned quickly so he wouldn’t see the confusion on her face.

Wasn’t she still mad at him for lying to her?

“Yes, I’ll think about it.”

She heard his footsteps and the conversation in the other room growing in volume as his voice was added to it.  She knew she had a lot to think about.  What was easy to ignore while playing with a toddler all day was harder to ignore now. As she poured raisins and almonds to the glogg on the stovetop, the feeling of safety Agnarr’s touch gave had stayed with her.  She did feel safe with him.  He had done all he could to keep her safe, both during the battle and every day after.  He had done all he could to make life safe for Northuldra in Arendelle, whether or not the mist ever opened.  He was a good man, a just king, and a devoted father.  And she could forgive his mistake.

Through his letters she had fallen in love with him in new ways.  Learning all she had lost was a heartbreak, but what she didn’t have to lose was him.

She didn’t have to be without family, either.  The Calders loved her, and would keep loving her even if they knew her past the way Agnarr did.  She could trust them and not shut them out in fear.

***

After a cold walk with Elsa pushing her new baby doll sleigh around the yard, eating cake, and Agnarr playing his violin while Elsa spun and danced in delight, it was time for her to go to bed.  Iduna picked her up and carried her to each guest for a goodnight kiss and then she and Agnarr took her upstairs.

Iduna laid her in her crib and watched as Elsa’s chubby arm slung around the baby doll’s neck, pulling it closer and breathing deeply. Agnarr reached into his violin case and took out a red and purple shawl, soft and trimmed with fringe.  He covered Elsa with it and ran his hand up and down Elsa’s side, humming the tune he had been playing on the violin a few moments before.  She smiled and closed her eyes.  Agnarr straightened.

“That’s my present to her.  And you too, really.  I had a weaver make a shawl like the one your mother gave you when you were born.  I know it’s not the same, but you can tell her about your family and maybe this will help.”

Iduna reached over and ran her hands along it, feeling Elsa’s sleeping body and wishing she could remember being wrapped up in her mother’s shawl, safe and protected, loved and cherished.

“Thank you.”  She looked at him and hoped he could see in the low light that she truly was thankful.  That it was a thoughtful gift that she would treasure and one that proved again how much he valued that part of who she was. She hoped he could tell she wanted to say more but didn’t want to wake their daughter or break this spell of calm and quiet, of understanding and maybe even forgiveness that felt like a shawl around her shoulders.  “And I thought about it.  I think we should tell the Calders. This weekend while they are staying here.  But maybe not tonight.  I’m tired.”

Agnarr nodded.  “Would you like to go to bed now? I can give them your excuses and show them to their rooms if you’re too tired.  I’ll go sleep with the drivers in the guesthouse.”

Iduna stepped towards him and reached for his hand, the same sensation of safety and calm reigning over her as it had earlier in the day, as it did every time they touched. “No.  You can show them their rooms but then come to our bed.” She turned and left the room, heat building in her cheeks and in her stomach and she wasn’t brave enough to look in his eyes and see what he thought about that.

***

“They’re all settled.  And I looked in on Elsa just now - she’s asleep.” He shut the door gently behind him and looked around the room, still not quite sure if Iduna had meant for him to share their bed.  Was it merely for appearances? So they had one less thing to explain to the Calders tomorrow?   He looked around the room, searching for something to say.  Something to break the awkward silence.  “The room is so clean and orderly.  It doesn’t even look like anyone has been staying here.”

Iduna was sitting on the bed, changed into her nightclothes.  “I haven’t been.  I stayed in the room next to Elsa’s.  I didn’t want to stay where we once had.”

“Oh.” He winced, sorry again for how he had hurt her, once more wishing he had made a different choice.

She looked at him and then spoke quickly. “No, I don’t mean that I was angry with you.  I missed you.” She paused and took a breath.  “Well, I was also angry with you. But I didn’t want to be in our bed without you.” She put her hand down next to her on the bed.  “Will you come sit?  I think better when I’m touching you.”

He laughed a little as he came to her and sat down, their thighs touching and her head even with his shoulder.  “I have a hard time thinking when you’re touching me.  Except about how much I want to be touching you.”  She leaned into him, her head on his shoulder.

“When I touch you, it’s almost like remembering.  I know I’m meant to be with you.  That it’s right.”  Agnarr turned his head so he could kiss her on the top of her head.  He brought his hand up and ran it through her long hair.  It was unwound from the neat crown braids she usually wore as queen and reminded him of the way it had been in the forest.

“Your hair was like this when I first met you. Down and a little wild.  Wavy and dark and beautiful.  I was staring so much at how it moved in the wind that I fell into the river because I wasn’t looking at how close I was to the bank.”

Iduna laughed. “You didn’t write about that in any letters!”

He brought his hand to her shoulder, running it up and down her arm.  “Some things were too embarrassing to commit to paper.”

Iduna reached to his face and cupped her hand around his cheek.  She ran her thumb over his mustache, back and forth and back and forth, like she was soothing his worry. “Thank you for giving me all of those memories.  And for all of the ones here in Arendelle that I can recall – being your queen, being the mother of our daughter, knowing the Calders.  That’s all thanks to you.”

His hand stilled. “Iduna, I’m so sorry.  Truly.”

She stood and nudged his knees apart to stand between them and then brought both hands up to this face. “I forgive you.  And I love you.”

He gripped her under the thighs and lifted her up so she was seated on his lap, chests pressed against each other and her legs around him. He buried his face into her chest but she could still hear his whisper. “I certainly don’t deserve it.  But I love you too. I wish I had the words to tell you how much.”

She leaned to his ear, kissing it on the lobe and shivering at the feel of his hands on her back, the movement of his hips into hers. “It’s not your words I want right now.”

***

The Calders didn’t seem surprised or upset to hear that Iduna was Northuldra. Captain Calder even suggested that they tell the council.  “They, like everyone else in the kingdom, love the queen.  And they will see it as a chance to strengthen the statement of peace: naming the queen as Northuldra and your marriage as an alliance that respects and honors their people.”

Mrs. Calder hugged Iduna tightly. “Our love for you has not changed.  Perhaps richer now for the truth of things, but not changed.”

“It makes sense.” Linnea spoke as she reached to pick Elsa up out of Iduna’s lap. “Is that why Elsa can make ice?”

The adults in the room all stared at her. Her mother spoke first.  “She can…do what?”

Agnarr cleared his throat.  “Yes, it seems she can make ice.  And snow as well.  But it’s not a known gift among the Northuldra and we don’t know what it means.  We don’t know if the power will strengthen or fade as time goes on and she grows up.”

Thea reached to take Elsa from Linnea.  “Show us, Elsa, dear.  Show us the snow.”

And Elsa did.

[blurglesmurfklaine]

Operation Count Chocula

A/N: Idek what this is... you can thank @somefeministtheatrepls for this, based on this post. I changed it up a little! Gets a little cracky and I have no regrets

~2.5k words

Rated T for one (1) mildly dirty joke

Read on AO3

XXX

If someone had asked Blaine his senior year of high school whether he was going to be an active member of Greek life during college, he would have laughed in surprise and told them a solid no. His first year in college proved that his stance wasn’t as firm as he’d initially thought. 

Quinn had been the one to recruit him into Nu Beta Kappa. She was in his Reading in Short Story and Drama class, and after working on their final project together, she convinced him to rush NBK. She had pointed out that Greek life wasn’t all about parties and hazing, and that NBK focused on serving the community and striving for social equality. 

Currently, he was in his Junior year of college and in the chip aisle of the local Walmart, standing next to his Big Sister, the aforementioned Quinn Fabray. 

“I hate shopping for the house,” she lamented. “There are better things I could be doing with my life at three AM on a Friday night.”

“Isn’t it technically Saturday, then?” Blaine pointed out. 

“Aren’t Vice Presidents supposed to support their Presidents?”

He mocked a salute at her. “Nothing but respect for my President, madam Fabray.”

Blaine suddenly whipped his head around when he heard Santana, their Sergeant at Arms, cry out from the next aisle down. “You can have this box of Count Chocula when it falls from my cold, dead, hands, Gromit!”

He and Quinn exchanged concerned looks before sprinting down to find Santana. When they found her, Puck and Brittany, two more Nu Beta Kappa sisters, had shown up in support and were standing behind her. Santana had a death grip on the family size box of cereal, but so did the unusually tall boy standing across from her. 

Blaine recognized him as Finn Hudson, the treasurer for Omicron Sigma, Nu Beta Kappa’s “masculine” counterpart. They had the same values as NBK, but NBK had been started by female students who were not allowed to rush OS in the 1940s. In the end, both organizations eventually became co-Ed (all members of OS were “brothers” regardless of gender, and likewise, all members of NBK were “sisters”). However, they never did quite seem to overcome that bad blood between them.

There were four more members of OS standing behind Finn. A blond haired guy with a large mouth, a dark skinned girl with curly hair and a stylish beret, a short girl with bangs, and...

Blaine made a sharp intake of breath because standing next to the girl with beret was the most gorgeous guy he’d ever seen. He was wearing a grey hoodie with Property of ΟΣ printed in athletic font in the front, on top of checkered pajama pants. His hair, though disheveled from an obvious lack of sleep, was still light and had bounce to it. His eyes crystal blue eyes were half lidded, and seemed sunken in with drowsiness. 

Blaine thought he looked fantastic.

“This cereal is for my girlfriend!” Finn exclaimed, tugging the box closer to his chest. 

“Yeah, well this cereal is for my girlfriend!” Santana snapped back, tugging it closer to her chest in return.

Finn furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of what to do next. He turned his head back to nameless hot guy, still clutching the box. “Wait, Kurt, do I have to give it to her because of like, gay rights?”

The boy—Kurt, apparently—pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. “You don’t have to, but you should so we can go the fuck home.”

“No,” Finn grunted. “This is a matter of pride now. I clearly had the box first. I’m not going to let Nu Beta Kappa just take anything they want. Again.”

Uh oh. Last semester, Omicron Sigma and Nu Beta Kappa had both been planning an end of the banquet for members and tried to get the same venue for the day after finals ended. Santana had been president at the time and finessed her way onto the Cherry Tea Tree room’s schedule. Clearly, certain members of Omicron Sigma took it personally.

“Well, all we wanted was equal rights some seventy odd years ago, so I think things even out!” Santana said.

“Lord Tubbington owes a lot of money and he needs the Count Chocula to cope,” Brittany said in a panic.

From across the aisle, Blaine saw Kurt’s cheeks redden at the spectacle and wondered if the heat rising to his own face was now visible. He loved his friends, but god, were they extra as hell. He and Kurt exchanged glances that were equal parts amusement and horror. 

“I’ll arm wrestle you for it,” Santana challenged. 

Finn burst out into uproarious laughter. “You’re like, half my height. I think I can take you.”

“Then come on,” she sniped. “Put your Count Chocula where your mouth is!”

Kurt’s jaw dropped and he looked over to Blaine, gesturing to Finn as if to say Can you believe them?

Blaine nodded along and raised his eyebrows as if to say, I know, right? He was glad to see his gesture gain a smile from Kurt. He would have stayed the rest of the time staring at Kurt if Santana and Finn’s match hadn’t been so distracting.

When Blaine looked back towards them, they had their elbows on the empty cereal shelf, hands fastened in a deadlock against the others.

Finn pressed his arm down against Santana’s. 

Three of the four of Finn’s fraternity brothers cheered him on behind him. Likewise, Quinn, Puck, and Brittany all egged Santana on. Their collective shouts of growing excitement was a stark contrast to the silence in the rest of the store. Blaine was honestly surprised a manager hadn’t come to usher them out yet. But, he supposed, it was a college town. There are weirder things that happen in a grocery store at three AM.

It seemed like Santana was about to lose, but she must have tapped into strength that came from repressed rage and in a quick surge, pinned Finn’s arm against the metal. 

He looked at her, aghast by the outcome of the match. 

“Oh thank god, can we go home now?” Kurt asked. 

“Absolutely not!” Rachel screeched. 

Kurt groaned and threw his head back in frustration before letting it fall against the cart. He lifted his head up and mouthed to Blaine, They’re insane.

Blaine let out a chuckle and pointed to his friends, who were now exchanging obnoxiously celebratory high-fives with their champion. I know, he mouthed back. Them, too.

The short brunette stepped forward and hiked up the long sleeve of her blouse. “Let’s go, Satan.”

“Rachel, there is no way you can take her,” Kurt mumbled. 

“Just watch me.”

“You’re on, hobbit,” Santana growled.

If the first match had been short, this one had gone by at lightning speed. Blaine actually flinched when Rachel’s arm slammed against the metal. 

“No fair!” She cried. “I just... wasn’t ready, that’s all!”

Blaine stifled a laugh and rolled his eyes, making sure that Kurt could see him. Kurt returned the smile and shook his head. “Come on, guys.” Kurt said. “She won fair and square.”

Rachel pouted and crossed her arms before turning away and heading off into the other direction. 

“You know what,” the girl with the beret said. “We’ll see you next week.”

“We look forward to it, Mercedes!” Quinn huffed. Blaine gave her a condescending glance before rolling his eyes and leading the way to the front of the store.

Try as he might, Blaine couldn’t get the goofy smile off his face every time he imagined the interaction he just had with Kurt. Yes, it hadn’t seemed like much, and they hadn’t even spoken a verbal word to each other, and yet Blaine still found himself wondering if he should try and find the Omicron Sigma group before they left to try and get Kurt’s number.

“Hey Blaine,” Puck said, snapping him back to reality. “The water bottles are right there,” he said, pointing to a nearby stack.

“Huh?”

“The water bottles,” Puck repeated, stone faced as if Blaine should know exactly what he meant. “To quench your thirst for porcelain back there.”

He scoffed. “Shut up,” he grumbled, feeling his face warm. Blaine eventually decided against going to find Kurt right now, knowing he’d never hear the end of it from his friends. 

If it was meant to be, they’d cross paths again.

XXX

Noah Puckerman invited you and six others to join the secret messenger chat: Operation Count Chocula

Santana: What the hell is this, Puck?

Rachel: Who put me in a group chat with the devil herself?

Quinn: I’m with them on this one. Explain yourself, Noah.

Finn: Why am I in a group chat filled with NBKs!?!?

Puck: Listen here cumslut, we don’t want to mingle with you just as much as you don’t want to mingle with us. But it’s time we set aside our differences for a greater purpose. 

Mercedes: What the hell is he talking about?

Puck: True love.

Quinn: Oh dear god what the fuck

Sam: Is this about how Kurt and Blaine are clearly in love?

Brittany: Yeah, I picked up on that, too.

Puck: Yes! They left without each other’s numbers.

Finn: And why should we help you?

Puck: You wouldn’t be helping *me* you’d be helping them.

Puck: Besides, if we don’t do this, then we’ll probably have to endure like weeks of them stalking each other on Facebook, running into each other on campus and being too shy to make a move and then one of them will get a boyfriend because they think the other isn’t interested and it’ll all go to shit just TRUST ME

Quinn: That was a very… thorough… explanation.

Satan: WHO CHANGED MY NICKNAME TO THIS?

Benz: Finn, change her name back.

Benz: Wait a hot damn second. 

RyanSeacrestFan101: Lay off, I got that tattoo when I was 18!

Bottle Blond: MY HAIR IS NATURAL

Disaster Hair: Hey, my mohawk is iconic!

Yentl: First off, I am honored to share a name that Barbra once used on the stage. Secondly, whoever’s doing this, KNOCK IT OFF

Finn: I changed Santana’s name… I’ll change it back

Santana: Oh, my bad. I changed Mercedes’s name because I thought she changed mine.

Mercedes: Oops… I changed Quinn’s. 

Quinn: Alright, I changed Sam’s. 

Sam: I got pucks…

Puck: And I plead the fifth.

Puck: Can we get back to business please?

Rachel: Sure… what did you have in mind?

XXX

One Week Later

Quinn: This the dumbest plan ever

Liked by everyone in the group

Sam: So dumb, it just might work

Liked by everyone in the group

XXX

Kurt was one aisle over when he heard his brother call out an all too familiar phrase.

“Oh no! It’s the last box of Count Chocula, and someone has grabbed it!”

He rolled his eyes and trudged to the next aisle down. His mood instantly became brighter when he saw the NBK sisters from last week, Blaine in their midsts. He smiled and waved, a gesture that Blaine happily returned.

“So…” Kurt started when nobody had said anything after a few moments. “Finn, are you going to arm wrestle her for it, or are you going to finally swallow your pride?”

“Well, uh, you and Blaine have to fight for it.” He sputtered out quickly.

“What!?” Blaine cries out from the other side of the aisle. “Why?”

“Because I can’t,” Santana said quickly. Blaine looked at her with confusion. It wasn’t like her to turn down a competition. She noticed his suspicion and added, “I uh, pulled my arm muscle.”

“Doing what?” Blaine asked.

She shrugged. “Brittany.”

“I shouldn’t have asked.”

“So in my place,” she continued, shoving Blaine forward. “I choose, our valiant Vice President, who is just always so willing to help a sister out.”

“Yeah!” Finn started awkwardly. “And-and I can’t do it because I have a… paper cut?”

“A paper cut?” Kurt asked, his suspicion rising. He folded his arms across his chest. “You got a paper cut?”

“It was cardstock.” Finn explained. “Besides, you’re my brother, I need you to have my back on this.”

Kurt gaped at him. “I cannot believe you pulled the brother card in something as stupid as this.”

Finn beamed and pushed Kurt towards Blaine. “You’ll thank me for this one day.”

“I highly doubt that.”

Kurt walked up and met Blaine. “They’re insane…” his judgemental expression softened into one of fondness. “I missed you, by the way.”

“I missed you, too.” Blaine returned his smile. “But right now, I’m representing NBK and I’ve kinda been chosen to smack you down like the hand of god.”

“Oh, really?” Kurt raised his eyebrows, and gave Blaine a crooked grin. “You’ll regret that. I was going to suggest we just fake a tie, but it’ll be a lot more fun just winning.”

“Do you really think you can take me?” Blaine asked cheekily, placing his arm on the metal shelf. 

“I’m stronger than I look,” Kurt teased back, clasping Blaine’s hand in his. “After all, I did have you pinned down in the back seat of my car for the better part of an hour.”

Blaine sputtered at the memory and he lost his concentration, causing Kurt to gain the lead in the match. He smiled slyly. This was going to be an easy match.

“That’s cheating!” Blaine cried.

“No,” Kurt said. “That’s using my assets.”

“I don’t need to be reminded of your assets they’re very memorable.”

“When can I see you again?” Kurt asked, relaxing his grip just a bit and feeling Blaine reciprocate.

“Is this not our second date?” Blaine teased. “Breadstix was nice, but three AM at a Walmart is just so much classier.”

“You should see my bedroom at three AM.”

“What?” Blaine lost his concentration and in his moment of distraction, Kurt pressed his arm all the way down to the metal.

“Pinned ya.” Kurt grinned, leaning in closer to Blaine.

Kurt’s eyes were magnets, drawing Blaine in closer and closer. “You, Kurt Hummel, can pin me anytime you want,” he giggled.

Puck cupped his hands together around his mouth like a megaphone. “Now kiss!” It wasn’t long before their friends resembled a small picket line, demanding that Kurt and Blaine lock lips by chanting Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! in a steady beat.

“Should we tell them about our date on Thursday?” Blaine asked. “And that it went really, really well?”

Kurt quirked an eyebrow. “And take all the fun out of it? Yeah, right.”

Blaine’s face split with a wide grin before Kurt fisted Blaine’s shirt and pulled them together, the two rival Greek organizations cheering them on in the background.

[mwdders]

Advice. (One shot)

Summary: You’re like the set mother, giving the younger ones advice, one day you give Tom Holland advice and it leads to much more after it prompts you and Sebastian to have a conversation you didn’t think you were ready for.

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader Sebastian Stan x reader

Warnings: Fluff fluff, oh and more fluff

Hope you enjoy!

— —

Tom was nervous, he was unsure of how to conduct himself and needed advise.

So of course he turns to you, you were like a sister but also a mother figure all in one, especially on set when his actual mum was miles over seas.

“Hey Y/N can I talk to you?”

You stop your conversation with Sebastian and stand up from your place on his lap. “Of course.” You put an arm around Tom’s shoulder and lead him to the catering room, it wasn’t busy so it was a great place for you to talk.

“Is everything okay?” As you both sit down a waitress brings over two cups of tea and you thank her.

“Yeah, it’s nothing major, it’s just-“ he stops himself and sighs, “I want to talk to you about something my manager wants me to do and I’m not so sure.” You nod listening intently, “He wants me to fake date Selena Gomez, and I don’t know. She’s 3 years older than me but he thinks it’ll be good for our careers.” You nod, “So it’s something you don’t want to do?”

He shakes his head, “It’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s just I don’t know if it’s the best thing. My career is taking off and she’s a successful woman and I’m not sure it gives off the best image, my manager is sort of saying she needs a man by her side to be more successful and I don’t agree with that? She can be successful without a man.” You smile widely at the young man in front of you, “Damn right she can, you have such a good views Tom. Tell your manager your feelings and take if from there, don’t be pressured into anything.”

“I won’t thanks Y/N.” He hugs you and your interrupted by voices coming into the room. “What are you two talking about?” Sebastian asks as he and Anthony sit down at the table, “Oh nothing just some PR.” Sebastian nods, “Did my wise wife give you good advice Tom?” You roll your eyes and elbow Sebastian, “She did actually.” He laughs slightly. “Good.”

You look over at Tom, “You tell me if you need any more support okay?” Tom smiles at you, “I will promise.”

— —

“Y/N!” Tom comes running into Sebastian’s trailer in a panic. You’re sat on the sofa head in Seb’s lap as he was playing with hair but you spring up at the sound of Tom’s voice.

“What? What?! Where’s the fire?” Tom comes in the room and places his hands on his knees as he pants, “No fire, but there is a date.” You stand up, “A date? What date?” Tom looks up and waves his hands in the air for emphasis, “A DATE! My manager is making me go on a date with Selena. Please please come!” This causes Sebastian to laugh, “Dude it’s a date, you can’t have Y/N just tag along.” Tom rolls his eyes, “Not like that, I mean you come as well, make it a double date, it’ll ease my nerves. Please!” He was practically begging, looking at you with puppy dog eyes and you just couldn’t say no.

“Okay, we’ll come.” Tom cheers and Sebastian looks at you shocked. “But baby, I don’t wanna babysit the spider boy.” You roll your eyes, “That ring on your finger doesn’t give you a choice baby, I love you but we’re going. When is this date?” You turn to Tom, “Er that’s the thing, it’s tonight.. can you still come?” Tonight was short notice but you’d make it work. “Definitely.” He sighs in relief, “Great meet you at the Olive Garden at 8?” You nod and he smiles before leaving.

“Baby-“ you shake your head, “Don’t try and get out of it Sebastian, we’re going.” He groans and put’s his head in a pillow causing you to giggle.

— —

Your heels clicked on the stone floor as you made your way into the restaurant, hand linked with Sebastian’s. He looked dashing in a navy blue suit with a white shirt, you looked gorgeous in a red dress.

The usher opened the door for you and you were then guided to your table where Tom already was.

“You guys made it!” Relief washes over his face as he stands up and hugs you both.

“Of course! We wouldn’t miss it.” You sit down, opposite Tom.

Your table was in a corner away from sight but not quite out of view, this ensured the paparazzi could get photos of the table, mostly of Tom and Selena.

“Selena’s on her way, she said to order drinks without her and she’ll not be too long.” Tom says as a waiter comes over asking for a drinks order, you ask for a bottle of red wine for the table and a jug of water.

“You nervous?” You ask Tom, “Yeah, what if mess up? Say something stupid?” He rubs his palms together.

“What? Something more stupid than normal?” Sebastian says and you kick his shin causing him to laugh. “Shut up Seb.”

At that moment the flashes get brighter as the door to the restaurant opens and Selena enters, pushing her hair behind her ear as she looks around before spotting your table in the corner.

She walks over, the brightest smile on her lips, “Hi guys, sorry I’m a little late. I had a dog issue.” She giggles and you stand up to greet her, “Oh don’t be silly, we’d not been here long anyway. I’m Y/N.” She hugs you and you return the gesture. “This is Sebastian.” You point to your husband, “Yes! We’ve met actually at the Met Gala a few year ago, it’s nice to see you again.” He smiles, “You too.”

She greets Tom by hugging him and he places a kiss on her cheek.

“I don’t know about you, but I am so hungry. Shall we order?” Selena sits and picks up the menu, you smile slightly as you see all the nerves drain from Tom, him instantly relaxing.

“Let’s.”

— —

The evening flew by and before you knew it you were stood by your car saying goodbye to Selena.

“It was so lovely meeting you. I can’t wait to catch up again next month at the fashion awards.” You smile and hug her, she was lovely and you’d both got so much in common. “Yes, it’s a date.” She winks at you before slipping into her Range Rover and driving off.

“Guys! That went so well.” Tom sighs and you giggle. “I told you it would.”

“She’s great.” He scratches the back of his neck and Sebastian laughs, “Bro, don’t fall for her.” He puts a hand on his shoulder and Tom sighs.

“I’m so glad I took your advice Y/N. Thank you.” He hugs you and you’re surprised slightly but hug him back tightly, “You’re welcome.”

He lets you go and begins to walk to his car, “See you both tomorrow?” You wave as he gets in his car and drives away.

“He’s such a good kid.” You sigh as you hop in the passenger side of Sebastian’s car.

“He is.” You look over at him, “Do you ever think about what good parents we’d be?” His head shoots to you, “All the time.” You grab his hand over the console, “You do?” He nods vigorously, “I do, everyday. Especially when I see how you treat Tom like a son, your maternal instinct is so strong, it makes me want a baby.” You gasp, “It does? Because me too.” He turns in his seat so he’s fully facing you, “Then let’s do it.” You laugh, “I want to but the timings a bit off, we’re both so busy.” He shakes his head, “I don’t care.” You furrow your brows, “Seriously?” He nods, “Seriously.” You lean over and kiss him passionately, pulling away for air, “Let’s do it then.” You mumble against his lips causing him to smile. “Let’s have a baby.” He winks at you before he keeps driving. “Yeah, a baby.” You mumble happily, your heart full, and your smile wide.

You couldn’t be happier with your life in this moment and the future was looking even better.

— —

This made my heart melt.

[cloudsofcollection]

My Experience with Ayahuasca

The way these few weeks orchestrated itself to align my soul with my ayahuasca ceremony was very intentional. I’m grateful that I’m able to trust my intuition to guide me to good and I’m grateful that I have the strength to follow through. Discipline takes work. It’s not that it’s difficult.. It just takes genuine work and effort. The gifts that come from that discipline make it all worthwhile and can even have you question why it took you so long to get here in the first place. But everything is as it is supposed to be. The struggle. The lessons. The choices made. Everything.

For the most part, I felt very relaxed and ready. I had been preparing for as long as I could remember and I trusted that I could handle this experience. I originally wanted to go to Peru, the sacred land where the magic started. To be in the jungle with the plants and the medicine, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. All year, I asked questions and researched how to get there. I accepted that it wasn’t time, but one day it will be. I had then crossed paths with someone who had done ayahuasca… here… in Winnipeg. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. If I can’t experience the jungle, what better way to do ayahuasca than to do it in my hometown, the city I was born in (rebirth is such a strong theme for me right now). A few months had passed. My heart was still yearning and this time the universe was taking the lead in our harmonious dance together. She guided me to this woman, Lori, who’s partner holds ceremonies in Winnipeg. Get this… she was the newest hire at my work. This allowed me to create a friendship with her, a bond that I could trust and feel safe with. It is incredible how magical this Life can be if we let it. There are so many loving and supporting energies that want you to be happy and want you to live the best Life. We’re all in this together.

Originally, the ceremony was supposed to take place a week ago, December 29. I was excited to end 2018 with a healing experience to help me recharge for the next year. I had felt ready and I anticipated it more and more with each day. The night before the ceremony, I received a message from Lori saying that the ceremony needed to be postponed for another week because her partner had caught the flu. At first, I was frustrated and upset. I allowed myself to feel those emotions and with each breath, I accepted the situation. I then realized that I have more time to cleanse, prepare, and rest. I said to myself, “I guess I have more work to do.” And I sure did. I spent my New Years alone. At 5pm on New Years eve, I packed a bag and booked a hotel room. I was going through an exhausting time because of the holidays and everything that comes with it. I felt drained in all areas and needed to refill my vessel. I had a very spiritual and intimate evening with myself. I was relearning how to love me again. As it hit midnight, I laid in a bath tub with my crystals. I aligned my chakras, did a breathing meditation to centre myself, and brought in the new year being reborn.

I woke up right before the sun started to rise. I stretched with the sun and enjoyed breakfast with my fellow crows. This will be my new ritual every year (maybe even every season). I am beyond grateful that I followed my intuition. I was broken before this. I felt like I “needed” to be with my family to celebrate or I “needed” to be out with friends partying. But deep, deep down.. that was all ego. When you can get out of your head, and into your heart, it can be so healing. This needed to happen for me because immediately after my beautiful experience, I was back in work mode. I had 4 days until the ceremony and I worked at my job all 4 days.

~ It was during this very moment that my heart had felt full. The sun was shining through me & I could feel absolute gratitude for all Life ~

Leading up to meeting the medicine, I chose to make some changes in my lifestyle (my guides also helped me with this as well). With about a week left, I took care of myself and my health. I chose carefully and intentionally what food, what feelings, and what information to process. I cut out caffeine and only drank water or herbal teas. I chose to ate mainly vegetarian dishes with the occasional fish or chicken. I ate ALOT of fruit. This alone took training and discipline. During this time, I was staying at my grandmother’s house and let me tell you… my grandmother’s cooking is my favourite cooking. She puts so much love into it, it’s always perfect. With that being said, it was really hard for me to watch my brother eat adobo, which is my absolute favourite, as I munched on a spinach and apple salad. Or how much I wanted to have a slice of Little Caesar’s pizza hours before my ceremony.

~ vanilla chia pudding with mashed bananas & blueberries ~ avocado toast with bruschetta ~ spinach salad with apples ~ quinoa with mixed veggies ~

Now that I’m on the other side, I’ve realized that those temptations and cravings are temporary. And temporary gratification is worth the lifelong gifts you can receive if you choose otherwise. My vessel was clear and pure for the medicine to be absorbed and for the healing energies to transform. I was ready. One step led to another and fast forward to January 5, at the peak of the new moon in Capricorn as well as a solar eclipse, I had journeyed with courageous and beautiful beings.

There were seven of us. The number seven is considered to be “the Seeker, the lifelong Searcher of Truth”. And that is exactly what we all came here to do, to seek our truths of our world. These people were all strangers to me, but I felt safe. I felt like we’ve walked this path with one another in a different Life. The ceremony was held in an art gallery in the heart of downtown Winnipeg. We had open space and it was perfect for the size of our group. I became comfortable in the corner close to our main guides. I laid out my crystals and stones that were also ready to walk this path with me. After brief introductions, smudging, and settling into the energy of the room, the ceremony began.

~ This was my time traveling space ship (hehe). My fucking awesome homies to the left: obsidian, selenite, amber, lapis lazuli, and a pine cone :) ~

Jeff, our ayahuasquero, blessed the medicine. I kept wanting to watch what he was doing because I was so intrigued. But that was my ego talking. My spirit was telling me to “centre in and stay grounded because it doesn’t matter what he looks like, what matters is where you are about to go”. I was the first one to receive the medicine. My female companion, Lori, came to me with a gentle smile and with a whisper, passed me a small wooden cup and said, “cheers”. With gratitude, I drank the ayahuasca very slowly, wanting to feel every bit of it move through my body. I closed inwards and gave thanks. As I sat still, I moved my awareness to my body, needing to stretch and move the energy through me. I repeated to myself, “I will heal. I will grow. I will let go. I will heal. I will grow. I will let go”. It was time for me to lay down. The lights turned off and it didn’t take long for me to feel the magic. At first, a red light dawned over me. I opened my eyes to see where it was coming from, but there was no red light anywhere. I only could see it with my eyes closed. This resonated with my root chakra and gave me the gift of grounding. My spirit was preparing me for my journey. I then saw a tiny eyeball blink at me and it scared me. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be some crazy shit.

I closed my eyes and then I saw a key hole. It was inviting me in and I trusted it and kept going. Mama Aya appeared. She carried this essence of an ancient wise grandmother. Her face was a carving on a large tree trunk. Her roots extended out to me, comforting me, telling me that she was here to help me. Jeff began to sing. The timing was perfect because the medicine had finally settled and I was somewhere else. The frequency of his voice was creating images and colours within my mind. Everything was very bright and electric. “This is a lot. This is intense,” I said to myself. Fear began to rise. I wanted to go home and be in my bed. I wanted to be in a familiar place. Everything I was experiencing was new and different and it was a lot for me to process. In my head, I was trying to figure out what to do next. I would try to enjoy the intense high I was feeling, but it felt like system overload. I called over to Lori to comfort me. I looked up at her, and she came to me as a bird. I told her I wanted it to stop because it was a lot. I felt her touch and she continued to comfort me. She looked down on me, and whispered, “it’s okay Mel. It’s the medicine. Everything will be okay.” It took me awhile to release resistance. I felt cold, I just wanted to be warm, I wanted water but couldn’t figure out how to grab it. There was a moment where I knew I was going to throw up, but couldn’t get up. I accepted that I was going to throw up on myself and call it a night. This was it. This was my experience. I whispered out loud, “I need help. Can someone pass me my water bottle? Where is my bucket?” But a voice came to me and said, “you can have whatever you want, but it’s you that needs to do it. No one else can do it for you.” So I sat up and opened my eyes. Thank God. I took a few deep breaths and observed my surroundings. The art gallery was no longer a gallery. But a blur of energy floating through the air. Every direction was a different realm. I came back to contact with my physical body. “Where is my wrist? Yes.. there it is. Grab the hair tie, Mel. Put your hair up. Drink some water. Where are my glasses? I got this. I got this. I have control. Shake it off. Try to throw up. It’s okay, just get it over with.” I couldn’t throw up even after hunching over my bucket with my finger in my mouth. I talked to myself, ALOT. (I mean, I talk to myself alot as it is so it makes sense that it was necessary for my experience. Lol) I laid back down and snuggled in my blanket. Intuitively, I went in the fetal position. Jeff and Lori were going back and forth in song. It was so beautiful. The song was coming from their heart and it helped carry me through my fear. Their song also moved the plant medicine within me. Everything was working together in every moment. I never felt so connected. I then felt like I was being packed into a cocoon. Spirit animals surrounded me in a circle to protect me. I could feel their physical touch pat me as if I was a baby. Waves of energy were pouring into me. My demons were nearby, but my spirit animals were warding them away. But I couldn’t have them do all the work themselves. It was my turn. I began to release resistance. I opened up from my cocoon and spread my body out. In that very moment, my heart opened and I was blessed with so much love. Ethereal beings showed me their world and it was so bright. It felt like they were each taking turns feeding me and nourishing me with love and light. They cleansed my body and had me in a bubble of unconditional love. I saw codes and symbols but I couldn’t understand it at the time. “What is happening? What does this mean? How do I integrate this information?" System fucking overload. My galactic family was showing me light language. Matter did not exist here. There was nothing physical to this experience. I had to touch my face and body just to make sure it was still there. I felt detached from my body. I felt like my mind was floating through consciousness and all it has to offer. Everything worked in frames and layers, pulsing back and forth. Now I wonder what would have happened if I stepped into each frame. Everything was detached, yet all connected. 

~ This is the best image I could use to describe the pulsating frames & layers. Holy fuck, I was inside bismuth ~

Then Mateo started to play his didgeridoo. I was in awe the whole time with what I was experiencing. I couldn’t help but say out loud, “this is so beautiful. How is this happening? How are you doing that?” There were moments when Lori and Jeff greeted me in my corner. They had me sit up as the blessed me and placed mama beads around my wrists. Jeff had blown tobacco smoke around me to cleanse my energy. They both worked so well together. Their intuition, guidance, and all-loving energy made the ceremony perfect. I was in admiration by what the medicine and sound can do together to any experience. It was very spiritual and deep and our energies were all working together collectively. There was a moment when I had felt that everyone was hovering over me. Watching me and protecting me. Their spirits came through and journeyed into my world for a moment. I couldn’t believe all the beauty and love I was witnessing within. I now finally understand how our universe is holographic because I was in the matrix. I traveled through space and time and I am so grateful that I was filled with the most loving energies.

Leading up to the ceremony, my angels were sending me messages of support. They do this by showing me angel numbers (one number repeating itself 3 times, for example: 222, 444, 555). On the day of the ceremony, I didn’t feel or see any messages. But I knew that was because I needed to do this one on my own and I needed to trust that they are always with me and sure enough, they were.

~ When trying to use words to describe my experience, I was blank at first. I came across this photo and this is very close. This is where my galactic family greeted me and showered me with love~

I was finally coming back to Life. The medicine was still within me, but my travels were coming to an end. I was coming back to my physical body and needed to reground. I felt a wave of excitement and happiness. Everyone was very pleased with their journey. We began to share stories and exchange wisdom with one another. It was hard for me to process everything at the time. My body was back on Earth, but my mind was still running around the universe. As I sat up, I enjoyed the aura of our space. Everyone was happy. Everyone was working through their blockages. People had break downs. People had break throughs. We supported each other and it was perfect. We sang songs and gave hugs. As we let light into the gallery, the reflection shined through the window. A beam of light stretched across the room and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was the most perfect way to close my ceremony. It’s so beautiful to see how the medicine works. It doesn’t work for you, it works with you. There is a relationship between the medicine and the human being. The medicine is there to show you what you are willing to see. The human being is there to receive the gifts and share it with the world. I learned a lot about my flight or fight tendencies. I initially craved for warmth and something familiar because the unknown scared me. But man oh man… the moment I let go and released resistance, the unknown was the most sacred and most wonderful world I could dream of. It was hard for me to fall asleep because my ego was coming back & I started to judge myself. I was telling myself I was acting obnoxious or I was talking too much, and as I was doing this to myself, I could feel my heart hurting. My rose quartz necklace even broke from tossing and turning so much. And rose quartz helps with the heart and unconditional love. So I placed my hand on my heart and told myself to be gentle. Focus on the good, because there was so much to be gained. I also now see my potential as a human being. There is this world that I can tap into to gain wisdom and to recharge my vessel. I woke up the following morning feeling awake inside and energized, but my body needed to rest. I needed a full day in my pajamas, my grandmother’s cooking, and the opportunity to share the love I gained. The best gift I gained from my experience is feeling secured. I feel secure in my body and in my skin. My eczema is healing. I’m letting my hair down. I’m comfortable with who I am and I have so much love to give. Now all I can do is spread my light and inspire others to ignite their own.

There is so much to our world outside our four walls. We are conditioned to live in fear, but once we move from that, we possess so much magic within. Our Creator gave us the tools to succeed, but we must come back to our natural selves. Love, light, and nature are our best healers. They are here for us and are wanting to shower us with many gifts. You don’t have to see it to believe. You first have to believe, then you will see.

I will work with plant medicine again, but in moderation. This experience was very intense and a lot for me to process. But I survived. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t shit myself so that’s always a win. Haha!

Wherever you are, I am sending you so much love. I encourage you to challenge your beliefs and explore the corners of your mind, and push through your inner fears. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Love and light to you and yours,

Mel

[juicy-cookie]

Through The Valley - Chapter 17

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10075958/chapters/28939707

Tags: @luke-vaughn @embracetheapocalypsewithme @kinkozan @lupienne @theblack-wolf @lovingzombiechaos @jmackie1983 @dragonracer @miiraal

Pairing: Negan X OFC

Chapter Summary: Walking through the Valley

A big thanks to @originalwinchestervamp for having a look at this chapter and giving me feedback!

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Mention of rape

Word Count: 4880

Just one more.

The phrase seemed to be some kind of mantra these days.

Just one more sip.

Just one more bite.

Just one more step.

Lilly had felt like a helpless little baby ever since she got back to Sanctuary. First, people had insisted on her hydrating enough. When she had managed to drink a little water from a straw, they had turned to her eating. When she had been able to eat a whole plate of mushy potatoes and peas, they had thrown her out of bed and forced her to walk up and down the hallway, holding on to either Jax or Seth for support, with Laura cheering her on.

Fisher had made it clear that breathing and walking exercises were important for her recovery. Apparently, broken ribs could otherwise lead to pneumonia, which in turn was of course a worst-case scenario during the apocalypse.

So she walked. And ate. And drank disgusting herbal tea. When all she wanted was to crawl into bed, lick her not-so-proverbial wounds and preferably stay there until the next winter was over. But Jax had made it clear that this was not an option and the rest of her friends had been quick to agree with him. Sadistic assholes, the whole lot of them.

There were some upsides in the long weeks during which she tried to get back on her feet. One was her room on the lieutenant’s floor, which had been left untouched during her time at the outpost for some reason. It was a blessing that she still had a place of her own, even if it meant that she had to slowly and painfully climb all the steps up to the fifth floor whenever she dared to leave the Tower. Jax, ever the optimist, had remarked that the stairs were a great additional exercise. Lilly had nearly clocked him in the face with her thermos full of tea.

The other reason she hadn’t resorted to hiding in her room and never come out again, was that Negan had been blissfully, if not suspiciously, absent during her recovery. Carson and the lieutenants were running the Sanctuary in absentia, only asking him for his opinion or advice for very important decisions and otherwise leaving him to do what Lilly had wanted to do all along, which was hide in his room.

Rumor had it that he was going through at least three bottles of liquor a week.

Lilly didn’t care.

At least that was what she told herself over and over again. And it’s what she told all the others that came to her with some variation of “Did you hear that Negan…”.

“I don’t care,” she said and first limped and then, after a couple of weeks, walked away.

Another mantra, adding to the first one. Somehow, the two phrases became connected more and more, as Lilly told herself “Just one more day.” over and over again, trying to delay the inevitable conversation she would have to have with Negan eventually.

Telling herself “I don’t care.” over and over again whenever she felt a pang of concern as she got better and he got worse if Dwight’s consistent complaining could be believed.

Her idontcares nearly stopped when people started flocking to her for advice and guidance as soon as her external injuries had become unnoticeable. She was home. She was healthy. She was a lieutenant, as far as the Saviors were concerned.

Lilly didn’t mind helping to resolve points quarrels and help with schedules. But one day, Andrei sat down next to her on the rec room couch with a piece of paper and a grim face and Lilly knew that the day had come that she had to stop her mantras and climb up to the lion’s den.

“That looks awfully short.” She held out a hand to Andrei and skimmed through the latest list of supplies the Hilltop had offered as tribute.

“It’s been that way for the last three months. They say they don’t have any more to give, but Rob is sure they’re hoarding for winter.”

“If it’s been light before, surely you’ve already talked to Negan about it?”

“More or less. Carson’s said that he wants the western outpost to deal with it on their own.”

“Well, then let them do it. I mean, it’s not like Rob and the others at the western outpost are going to kill someone because of a light tribute, right?”

Andrei grimaced. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. The Hilltop’s runners have become cocky and Rob really fucking hates Gregory.”

“Can’t blame him,” Lilly mumbled while looking over the list again.

“Can you talk to Negan? Ask him again what to do? I gotta drop this shit off at the other outposts and I won’t be back for about two weeks, but when I get back here, I really need a decision.”

Lilly sighed. There really was no use in delaying this any further. “Yeah, I’ll talk to him. In the meantime, tell Rob that the order still stands. Tell them to deal with it. And remind them all that our leader is a sucker for rules.”

“Okay. Thanks Lil. Oh and please remind Jax that we need to meet at the western outpost soon. Now that you’re back to full strength, we really gotta repair those panels before the first snow hits.”

“Mmh-hmm.” She nodded absent-mindedly while Andrei got up to leave. Barely registering his goodbyes, she kept staring into the distance and thought about the task at hand, before she stood and walked out of the cafeteria.

Standing at the base of the concrete steps that led all the way up to the Penthouse, Lilly felt the Tower looming over her like something out of a Tolkien story. She hoped that she would manage to even make it all the way up. Despite being almost fully recovered, she still got out of breath very easily. Her reluctance to face whatever was waiting for her at the top of these stairs didn’t exactly help her to regain her lost stamina.

But it was no use to fret over still-tender ribs, nor over her current relationship with the inhabitant of the Penthouse. There were things they had to deal with and so she took the first step and then another and another. Just one more floor. And then another. Just one more staircase. Her ribs hurt. “I don’t care.” Would he become angry at the sight of her? Would she? “I don’t care.” What if he was too drunk to talk? “I don’t care.” Just one more step.

A deep breath, a knock, a grunt and Lilly was inside the lion’s den. It almost smelled like one, too. She wrinkled her nose and tried to adjust to the twilight created by drawn curtains and a cold fireplace. Her first instinct was to open the windows, start a fire and then run to the huddled figure sitting at the coffee table filled with empty bottles and dirty plates, hug him and tell him that everything would be alright.

I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care.

She carefully crossed the room and opened one curtain to let in at least a little bit of the last light of the ending day and positioned herself behind the second, unoccupied armchair, preferring to stand so as not to accidentally sit on something gross.

The figure squinted and almost looked like it was about to hiss dramatically from the sudden onslaught to their retinas. The scene would have been funny if Lilly hadn’t been acutely aware of one of her mantras crumbling to pieces at the sight of her leader in this concerning state.

Obviously, she did care after all. He looked awful. He had lost weight and yet still looked bloated, at least from what she could see underneath the scraggly beard. His hair, which was usually slicked back, black and shiny, desperately needed a wash and a trim. He obviously didn’t bother with putting on pants anymore, but beat the cold with a ragged and dirty old blanket and copious amounts of alcohol, judging from the empty bottles littering the table and the almost empty one in his hand.

“Oh Negan…”

He took a long, hard look at her before his face finally lit up in recognition. “Oh hey! Look who found her fucking way to my humble abode. Come here, sit down! How you been, babe? How are you?”

Lilly slowly crept around the armchair and sat down on the armrest. His airy, cheerful manner worried her. “I’m okay. Andrei sent me, actually. He wants to know how to proceed with the Hilltop and-”

“Whoah whoah whoah! Hold the fuck on Lil! We haven’t seen each other in… actually I have no fucking clue how long it’s been. Anyway… let’s talk business later and something fun first, instead, huh? Some catching up?” His speech was slurred and he had obvious troubles focusing. Lilly warily watched his hand, gesturing wildly while holding on to the bottle. A shadow of anger had placed itself over her heart, where concern had been before.

He didn’t even know how long he had spent up here, moping and apparently drinking himself half to death, while his people struggled to prepare the compound for winter, including dealing with mutinous communities.

“I’m not here for fun, Negan.”

“Then why the fuck are you here, Lil?” Lilly hadn’t even noticed when his demeanor had changed. He suddenly seemed more steady in every possible way. “Why did you personally climb all the fucking way up here with still fucked-up ribs? Don’t deny it… I could hear you wheezing all the way from the last two floors. Why did you come to discuss Rob’s and Andrei’s fucking incompetence, when you could have just sent Carson to deal with it?”

Her jaw hung open for a moment. She felt so stupid. How could she underestimate him like that? Of course his brooding didn’t mean that he didn’t know what was going on at the Sanctuary anymore. He might not show his face, but he still held all the strings, including the one to her heart. He could see right through her.

“You’re right. I wanted to check on you. See how you are.” He gave her a hopeful smile. “And I wanted to ask when you want me gone?” His face fell again. She almost felt bad. But she needed to know where they stood.

“Gone? What the fuck do you mean, gone?”

“Well, I’m pretty much recovered. Just a bit sore, still, but almost good as new. So I wanted to discuss my departure with you. When do you want me back at the outpost?”

“You have got to be fucking shitting me, Lilly. The fucking outpost? You’re not going anywhere. If I knew you wouldn’t fucking castrate me, I’d never let you set one fucking toe beyond the fence ever again.”

“So what? I’m your prisoner now?” She couldn’t suppress the temper flaring up inside of her.

“No! Shit.” Negan pinched his nose and clenched his eyes shut for a moment. “Look, you can go wherever you want, of course. What I was trying to say was, I want you to stay here. This is your home-”

“Oh, that’s funny. Because I distinctly remember telling you exactly that while pleading for you not to send me away…”

“And I’m fucking sorry, okay? I told you before, Lil. I’m fucking sorry. Apologize is all I can fucking do right now until you let me prove to you that I won’t fuck up like that again. I mean, at least in that department. I can’t possibly promise you that I’ll never make any mistakes ever again. You know my insensitive ass…”

That almost made her chuckle, but her body decided to turn it into a sob at the last moment and she had to fight hard against the tears. She really wasn’t much of a crier usually, but the past months had reduced her to a tender ball of emotions. Negan leaned forward, but didn’t quite dare to touch her yet, offering her his bottle instead.

“Here, have a sip.”

“No, thank you.”

“Suit yourself,” he said, shrugged and put the bottle to his lips.

Lilly was on her knees in front of him so fast that her ribs screamed in protest. That didn’t keep her from snatching the whiskey out of his hands. His mouth still open, he frowned at her for a moment. Lilly was quick to start talking before he could protest.

“Enough, Negan. They need you back down there. And I need you, too. If I stay here, I can’t do this on my own. You know I’m not a leader. But you are. And a damn good one, when you’re not busy exiling your lieutenants, or getting drunk off your ass.” She offered him a tentative smile, but it seemed like there was only one thing that got through to him.

“You… you need me?”

She took his hands and nodded, not caring about giving so much of herself this time, nor about the tears that now spilled freely from her eyes. She didn’t know how she ended up in his lap, or when he had started crying into the crook of her neck. She certainly hadn’t planned for this when she had finally decided to face him earlier.

She didn’t know how she had managed to maneuver them both into his bed, either, but here she was, holding him still, with fear and doubts and love in her heart. She told herself that she would stay just one more minute, to make sure he’d be asleep and alright. But his bed was big and soft and warm and so was he as he held her tight and his heartbeat and his steady breath in her hair lulled her into a deep and long sleep.

Waking up was a slow process. The light spilling in from the one uncurtained window told Lilly that it was morning, but her body and mind refused to accept that. She even noticed that she was alone in bed, but it was too comfortable and she was too sleepy to worry about it. The sounds coming from Negan’s bathroom told her that he would be back soon, anyway. He had even lit the fireplace and she couldn’t help but take advantage of the warmth and size of the bed and stretch out luxuriously.

After a couple of minutes and with Lilly now fully awake, the rummaging in the bathroom stopped and the door opened. She closed her eyes and pretended to still be asleep. To be honest, now that her mind functioned properly, she felt quite nervous about being in Negan’s bed, especially after what had happened in the previous weeks and of course after last night’s confessions.

Lilly’s heart threatened to burst from her chest by the time she felt him climbing back into bed beside her. A small part of her feared that he might throw her out now that he had slept and sobered up. A much bigger part of her was surprised that the thought bothered her so much. It was probably time to finally be honest with herself, she thought as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close to him.

She turned slightly to bury her nose in his chest and the space around her filled with the smell of soap and peppermint toothpaste. As he sighed contentedly, she snuck a hand up and over his shoulders to his face.

“Did you shave?” Lilly leaned back and regarded him with a slight frown.

“Yeah.” Negan gave her a half grin and rubbed his now smooth chin. “Felt like a fucking hobo when I looked in the mirror this morning.”

“I kinda liked it. Gave you a rugged, sexy lumberjack appearance.”

“Aww, man… Why didn’t you say something?”

“What was I supposed to say?” she laughed.

“How about ‘Hey Negan, that beard is sexy as fuck and makes me want to touch myself, don’t shave it off!’”

Lilly was overwhelmed by a fit of giggles and so it took her a moment before she realized that he was stroking her hip with his thumb and looking at her in a way she couldn’t quite place. What she did realize immediately, though, was when he leaned in while simultaneously closing his eyes and she put her hand on his chest to keep him from kissing her.

“I can’t. Not yet,” she whispered, “I’m sorry, Negan, I really am. I just… I want to, I really do, but…” As much as it hurt her to reject him, she had just a couple of minutes ago decided to finally be honest with herself. She wanted to be whole. For herself and for him, too. And right now she wasn’t. Not by a long shot. The physical healing process might have been over, but the emotional wounds from her attack were far from gone.

“Hey, it’s okay. I understand.” He pulled her towards him again and whispered into her hair, softly stroking her back. “You never told me what exactly happened at the outpost. Those two fuckers… did they…”

“No.” She clutched his white t-shirt and focused on the wrinkles it created only inches from her face. “They didn’t get that far.”

“Andrei said you put up quite a fight.”

“I guess. Wasn’t much I could do besides kicking and screaming.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Lilly. Jax told me that you were having a hard time-”

“Don’t! Please… just… You already apologized last night. And it’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, not entirely. I’m still angry. Or I guess I still am. Ugh…!” Lilly groaned in frustration, let go of Negan and sat up. “That’s the reason I can’t do this…” She gestured between herself and Negan, who had laid back on his back, his arms behind his head. “At least not right now. There’s still so much I have to figure out.”

He brought one arm back down and stroked her back. “Don’t you fucking worry about that right now. I mean, we’ve waited this long, right? Couple of days more or less won’t make my fucking balls explode.” She looked at him over her shoulder and he winked at her, causing her to chuckle again. “I mean, shit… I’m just fucking happy we’re talking again. I even got you into my fucking bed somehow. Even if we didn’t break it in yet.”

“I just want things to get back to normal first. Do you think we can do that?”

“Yeah, sure. Well, at least as fucking normal as things can get with humanity being almost entirely replaced by flesh-eating fucking undead fuckers.”

“Huh, yeah. It’s weird how I keep forgetting about that with all the drama going on. Thank you, by the way. For not giving my room away.”

“You’re welcome. Listen, I don’t even know why I did all this shit. I guess there was this small voice inside my head that told me that you got too close. But that voice has been dealt with. Though do me a fucking favor and stay the fuck away from Sherry now that you’re back here, alright?”

“Trust me, I have no desire whatsoever to interact with her in any way.” She frowned slightly. It wasn’t the first time that she was wondering why Sherry was still around. After all, Negan knew that she had tried to get rid of Lilly. It was as if he could read her mind.

“Look, I know what she did was fucked up. And if I could, I’d get rid of her like that.” He snapped his fingers. “But you know how much of an emotional hard-on Dwight still has for that bitch and as much as I hate the ugly fucker, he’s a good lieutenant, and there are a lot of people at Sanctuary who like and follow him. People hate me enough for what I did to you, I can’t fucking upset Dwight, too. At least not right now. He and Sherry might just have a fucking accident some time in the distant future.”

Negan looked into the distance, smiling darkly to himself.

“Stop it. I don’t like it when you’re all bloodthirsty.” But it seemed like Negan was barely paying attention to her.

“You’d be bloodthirsty, too, if some asshole hurt the person you love. Good thing you’re back to keep me and Lucille in check.” He grinned at her. Lilly gaped at him. Did she hear him right just now?

But before she could ask him about the L-bomb he had just dropped, Negan got up and walked to his drawer to put on a pair of jeans.

“Well, as much as I enjoy this fucking cuddling session… I really gotta clean up this shithole and then get my sexy ass downstairs. Gotta show those fuckers that daddy’s back. Unless you changed your mind and decided that my dick might help you overcome your fucking trauma after all?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her, which caused her to chuckle again.

“Overcoming trauma first, dick later. Deal?”

“Fair enough. Do me a fucking favor and find Carson. Tell him to schedule a meeting. I wanna make a round of the outposts as soon as Jax has repaired those panels.”

“Yes, Sir!” Lilly mock-saluted and made her way to the door while Negan mumbled something about “A fucking tease” behind her.

“Oh hey…” She turned around again. “I just remembered. You told me you used to be a gym teacher, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, I was thinking… I really need to get back into shape. Maybe you could coach me? Show me what to do to get my strength and stamina back?”

He stared at her with a raised eyebrow for a moment before chuckling. “You tell me we ain’t gonna fuck any time soon and now you want me to give you private lessons that involves our sweaty bodies touching each other on a regular fucking basis? What is it with you and your fucking compulsion to giving me blue balls, babe?”

“Oh shit. Yeah. Probably not a good idea. Do you think I can ask Seth? He works out a lot, right?”

“What? Fuck that! I didn’t say no. Especially since I need the fucking workout myself. Have let myself go long enough and I feel fucking disgusting. I just wanna warn you so you don’t freak out when I run around with a fucking chubby twenty-four-seven. Which I would probably do anyway from now on, even without us wrestling on a gym mat.” He grinned at her and she blushed. “Anyway, we’ll meet in the gym every morning, 9 am sharp. Talk to Fisher today and ask him what you can and can’t do. Don’t want you to break anything while doing squats. Don’t overeat at breakfast, wear something comfortable and no fucking whining!”

“Holy crap, you really are a gym teacher.”

“You fucking know it, baby. Now go find Carson.”

“Yes, Coach Negan.”

When he came down the stairs to the cafeteria later for their meeting, the difference to last night was staggering. His leather jacket hid the weight loss, he had received a haircut and none of his demeanor betrayed the state he had been in only twenty-four hours earlier. He was all grins and swagger and confidence with Lucille on his shoulder and a wink in Lilly’s direction before he sat down at the head of the table and addressed his lieutenants.

Lilly’s feelings had changed, too. She was still weary and she knew that it would take some time to feel fully comfortable around him again. But their night together had convinced her that he really was sorry. Something Jax agreed on when they sat together in his room after Lilly had been dismissed from the meeting.

“Told you he loves you,” Jax said with a smug grin. They had made themselves comfortable on his bed.

“Who would have thought…,” Lilly mumbled absentmindedly into her tea cup. “I still don’t know if I can do this.”

“Why not, Lil? You’ve been through so much shit lately. You deserve a bit of happiness.”

“And you think I could find that with Negan?”

“Yeah. Eventually. You’re not some naive little girl that just runs into something like this without thinking. If someone’s able to rein him in a bit and call him out on his bullshit, it’s you. And he’s showed you that he cares about you. Backpedaled on his decision of exiling you. Got rid of the wives. Sat with you all through that first night. And when you told him that you need some space he kept his distance, right?”

“Yeah, he did. Though it was not so much me asking him to keep his distance, but me telling him to fuck off.”

“Well, you always had a way with words.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For always having my back, no matter what. For helping me get back back on my feet. For ripping Negan a new asshole for what he did. Connor told me. Where is he, anyway?”

“Keeping up his self-imposed mask of masculinity at poker night. And you’re welcome. You and me until the end, right?”

“Right.” She smiled at him. “Andrei wanted me to remind you of the panels at the western outpost.”

“Yeah, probably some of the wiring that came off. Shouldn’t be too complicated. Did he say when he wants to go there?”

“He’s busy the next couple of weeks I think. But he said he wants to do it before winter.”

“I can just go there on my own. Or I could take Gavin.”

“No, wait until Andrei has the time to go with you. I don’t want you out there on your own. But do take Gavin when the time comes. Kid needs some fresh air. Keep an eye on him, though. You know how much he likes provoking people and Rob is apparently even more of an asshole than usual, what with the Hilltop falling behind on tributes. And wear your fucking helmet when you go there. I can’t believe I still have to remind you of this shit.”

“Yes, ma’am! Jeez, look who finally bounced back!”

“I realized in the last couple of days that ordering people around helps distract me. Makes me feel better somehow.”

“It’s only natural. Those assholes bound you, hurt you and tried to… you know…”

“Rape me. Let’s just say it like it is.”

“Okay. My point is, they made you feel powerless. And now you’re finally gaining some of that power back, by being a lieutenant again, telling people what to do.”

“Maybe. Just please do me a favor and tell me if I’m overdoing it, okay? I don’t want any more people to start to hate me.”

“Will do.”

Negan and Lilly fell back into a routine that they had almost forgotten. It was awkward at first, but with time and practice, things went back to how they used to be. The joking, flirting and touching even increased without any of them noticing. With Lilly healing by talking to Jax, Laura and even Negan about what had happened, the darkness in her heart vanished, to be replaced by contentedness. Soon enough, she felt the familiar butterflies again anytime she so much as thought about her leader. The times with him in the gym didn’t exactly help with that.

“Aaaaand twenty. Come on down.”

Lilly groaned and relaxed her arm muscles after her last pull-up, only to hang from the bar like a wet potato sack. She didn’t want to jump down. It still hurt her ribs.

“A little help here?”

Negan showed up in her periphery and stood in front of her, grinning up. “What was that?”

“Come on, you know I’m not supposed to jump. Please, Negan!” she whined through clenched teeth.

Negan chuckled and wrapped his arms around her waist. When he had secured her, she let go of the bar and put her hands on his biceps. After a couple of weeks of them working out together, he was now even more muscular than before. Negan let her slowly slide down his body until her eyes were level with his. Leaning his forehead on hers, he licked his lips. She could feel his breath on her face and by the time her feet hit the ground, they were both panting.

“So, uh… how are things coming along on the trauma front?” His voice was low as one hand came to rest on Lilly’s cheek.

“Good,” she whispered and then cleared her throat, taking a step back. “I really appreciate this, you know? Giving me time. And helping me getting my strength back.”

“Anytime babe. Just waiting for you to give me a signal. Tell me when those ribs don’t hurt anymore from any kind of impact, alright?”

The look he gave her held a world full of promises. He turned and left Lilly standing alone in the gym, feeling her whole body flush from longing and excitement. She'd had enough. Tomorrow she'd gather all her courage and make a move on him.

Just one more night.

[yellowsugarwords]

Walking Dead Game FanFiction - "B-a-r-b-i-e"