#we already discussed that this is my mental illness and I get to choose the delusion

[riiarichu]

“Cynte?”

“Yes, Karis?”

“Do you think we’re partners in every universe?”

“Why do you bring up the parallel theory?”

“Oh, no reason, it’s just an idea…”

“Well, if we’re considering the parallel universe theory, then no. We aren’t.”

“Cynte, you’re thinking about this scientifically~”

“Well, I was going to say… uh…”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad I’m in this one.”

[0310s]

gently, by your side | jaehyun

members: myung jaehyun x gender neutral reader

genre: college au, angst, comfort, best friends! to ???, more platonic stuff in this one

tags/warnings: extensive discussions of mental health and chronic/mental illness, y/n is not okay. :(

summary: jaehyun finds you after a bad week.

wc: 2.7k

a/n: this fic’s title comes from this lovely song. as someone who’s struggled with both chronic and mental illness, it really takes someone strong and amazing to keep on going, despite everything. most of the dialogue in this comes from my own musings and experiences with mental health. i wrote this for a dear mutual of mine! i hope better days will come for you soon, whenever that may be. meanwhile, i hope this gives you comfort when things are tough! sending lots of love <3 

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5 days ago 1:28 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

(y/n) we haven’t seen each other in such a loooong time imy :(( i mean i KNOW it’s just been a couple of days since we last hung out but still!!!!!!! when are we seeing each other again !!!! tell me ur schedule QUICK !!!!

4 days ago 6:33 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeeyyyyyyyyy (with the intention to hang out) heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy reply to meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! tell me when ur free pls i miss u :((

3 days ago 11:58 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

hey i didn’t see u at the party today i thought u said u were going last week!!!  also i asked around and people said they haven’t seen u around recently??? and they don’t know what ur up to

2 days ago 2:05 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeyyyy ?????????? did i do smth?????  or are u just really busy w school and work idk either way pls just let me know :(( i won’t bother u if ur rlllyyy busy

10:35 PM sorry if i’m being annoying btw

Yesterday  11:32 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

ok i thought about it reaaaaaallly hard and i don’t think i’ve done anything to make u mad or upset w me??? well aside from that time last last week that u got mad at me for accidentally messing w ur computer and deleting ur work files WHICH IM LIKE REALLY SORRY FOR but i fixed it!!!!! i thought we were good alrd!!! are u still mad at me 4 that ?

1:00 AM (y/n)?

1:28 AM idk  i thought i was ur best friend :(( did smth change???

2:47 AM pls pls reply :(( i know we can talk this out i don’t want us to not be ok

Today  3:00 PM 🐶 cutie puppy i’m coming over.

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Sitting up from your bed, your heart thuds in anxiety as you quickly scroll through your chat history with Jaehyun. Your eyes hurt and your brain feels especially foggy, like you’re looking at the world through a particularly cloudy lens. How long did you sleep? The last thing you recall was working on your assignments last night, then choosing to sleep instead when you got overwhelmed. Even then, you slept fitfully. You remember setting an alarm at 9 AM today to continue working, but even as you sat at your desk, you couldn’t type a single sentence on your laptop. Everything felt muddled and it was as if you couldn’t understand anything at all. Even the cups of coffee you drank in desperation was of no use keeping you alert; all it did was make you palpitate.

Then you gave up, went back to bed, and you’re here now. Checking the chat timestamps, you realize you haven’t replied to Jaehyun’s messages in almost a week, which has never happened before—you talk almost everyday, even multiple times a day. Jaehyun’s last message was at 3 PM, when he said he’d come over. One look at your screen shows you it’s already 3:20. If you’ve memorized his schedule right, it takes your best friend thirty minutes to get to your dorm from his Fundamental Maths class. That means you have ten more minutes to get your shit together and clean your mess of a room. 

But right when you’ve mustered the energy to stand up, you hear a series of knocks on your door. That can’t be— “(Y/n), open up, I know you’re in there!” Jaehyun’s voice echoes from outside the door. “I asked your dormmate and she said you haven’t left your room since yesterday, so there’s no use pretending!” Shit, shit, shit! You immediately spring up and hastily fold your blankets and organize your desk, throwing away stray food wrappers and plastic cups. You open your blinds to let some air in, and the bright sunlight makes your head throb even more. 

On your way to the door, you spot yourself in the mirror. There’s no other word for it—you look like utter shit. Your eyebags are dark and prominent, your hair disheveled from tossing and turning in your sleep. You look horrendous, but Jaehyun is persistently knocking on your door, so you have no choice but to fix yourself up as fast as you can. You splash water on your face and smoothen down your hair and open the door—then there’s Jaehyun in all his glory. Your heart clenches seeing him; he looks as handsome as always, his bangs fluffy and soft and his letterman jacket fashionably oversized. He looks nothing like you in your ratty T-shirt with coffee stains and pajama shorts. His hand is halfway raised, positioned to knock at your door (he could and would probably do it all day if he had to). Upon seeing you, he blurts out: “Did I do something?”

Instead of answering him, you open your door wider as an invitation, and Jaehyun takes the hint, stepping into your dorm. Once the door is shut, Jaehyun peers at your messy room and remarks, “Wow. When was the last time you cleaned up? You’re usually not like this.”

You know he didn’t mean it like that, but his comment stings at you all the same. “Sorry, Jaehyun,” you snap, “not everyone can be at 200% energy all the time like you.” At his hurt expression, you backtrack. “Sorry, that was really rude of me.”

“It-It’s fine,” Jaehyun replies confusedly. Then he looks straight at you, eyes pleading. He’s picking at the stray thread hanging from his jacket, a habit you’ve come to known is something he does when he’s nervous. “You know what, I thought about it. For days, really, if I did anything that would make you mad and ignore me. But I couldn’t come up with anything at all. I was really worried when you didn’t reply to me for days on end, especially when we talk everyday. So if I did something, can—can you just tell me? I just want us to be okay.”

Your throat closes up and your heart pounds even faster, making you feel dizzy. You have no idea how to answer him, when all he’s ever seen of you is the perfect student who does everything right, who’s smart and good at what they do without any flaws or exceptions. How would he react if he saw you for who you really were?

The words can’t form in your mouth, and out of frustration at yourself, you tear up. Jaehyun notices this, eyes widening in worry, “(y/n), baby, no, no,” and pulls you into his arms. Almost instantly, the tears cascade down your face and sobs wrack your body. You feel pathetic crying in your best friend’s arms, but Jaehyun just soothes a hand up and down your back as you break down. His other arm is wrapped around your shoulders, and it feels like your anchor when you’re drowning in all your troubles. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he says in a hushed tone, “let it all out.” You grip his jacket even tighter as you bury your face in his chest. 

When was the last time you’ve ever been hugged like this? The last time you’ve ever been truly vulnerable to anyone without that mask of perfection you often don? The last time you felt safe just being yourself? You have no idea. All you know that is in the circle of Jaehyun’s arms, you want to be small and imperfect and yourself just this once.

After your cries die down, Jaehyun clears his throat. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I don’t know what it is I did, but I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s not you, Jaehyun,” your voice is muffled by both your sniffles and Jaehyun’s chest. You don’t want Jaehyun to get the wrong idea that he’s hurt you in some way because of how broken he sounds thinking he’s done something to make you sad. “It’s just. Me.”

“You? What do you mean?” Jaehyun leads you into your room from the doorway. He’s holding your hand and doesn’t let go even when you both settle at the edge of your bed. His palm is warm and his grip loose enough in case you want to let go; you don’t. While you muster up the courage to speak, your best friend just sits there, waiting patiently. “It’s okay, whatever you say, I’m not going anywhere.” You don’t know that for sure, but him saying that makes you want to be truthful just this once, damn the consequences.

You take a deep breath, focusing on your intertwined fingers. You’re too scared to look at his face because you don’t want to see his reaction. “Jaehyun, what kind of person do you think people see me as?”

“Well…” He takes a moment to think about it. “Someone smart, talented, and who gets stuff done?”

In turn, you let out an resigned exhale. “Well, that’s the image I project. Of someone who’s perfect… someone who does things effortlessly. People think it comes easy to me. But it doesn’t. When people tell me that I didn’t need much effort to get to where I am now, I feel undermined. When I express I’m having a hard time, people brush it off and think I’m just overreacting. Because they think I’m perfect all the time. But honestly…? That’s the farthest thing from the truth."

Glancing up from your hands, you scan your room—your desk is a mess of papers and assignments that you have yet to get to. You can’t tell when the last time you spent time being actually productive when what you’ve been is fatigued out of your mind. When you try to sit at your desk and work, all you feel is difficulty concentrating and processing work and readings. Sleep has also proven to be elusive—no matter how long you lie in bed, you never feel well-rested. Simple actions and decisions require so much energy from you that you undeniably lack. You also constantly compare yourself to others, whom things like these come natural to them. But you’ve kept these feelings of yours secret for a long time—you’re utterly terrified that you’d be undermined for being useless and overly sensitive.   

“(Y/n)?” Jaehyun squeezes your hand, and you turn to meet his eyes. His eyes are sincere and kind. “I-I know I may not be the most empathic person, but I promise I’ll hear you out without judging you. I want to be here for you… and I hope you’ll let me. Please?” 

At this, you spill everything you’ve been feeling the past weeks—months, even—to Jaehyun. You stumble over your words and your breath gets caught in your throat, but he’s there to pat your back and to encourage you to keep going. Without you knowing, tears make their way down your face once again, and Jaehyun uses his other hand to gently brush them away. “It just gets so hard that I want to just. Give everything up. I don’t know what the use of trying so hard is when I see how other people don’t need this much effort to do even the most basic of tasks. It’s just so… unfair.”

When you’re finished with your rant, you don’t know what to expect from Jaehyun—but you’re stunned to see him crying. He’s sniffling and wiping at his eyes furiously. “Why…” You have no idea what he’s about to say, but you brace yourself for the worst. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” he whispers brokenly. “I didn’t know you were having such a difficult time. I feel like such a shitty friend for not even noticing. I’m sorry, (y/n).” Jaehyun’s eyes fill with tears and he starts “I… I thought we were best friends.” The best friends tell each other everything goes unsaid, but you know exactly what he meant.

“I…” You feel awful now for making Jaehyun cry. “You’re just. You just naturally have all this limitless energy. You’re…” Normal. Not like me. “I don’t know how if you were going to take me seriously if I told you what I was going through… There were times I’d see you, and I’d be so disappointed in myself for not being like you. And I was so scared that if I did tell you, I’d be letting you down.”

Jaehyun’s expression grows more miserable at this. “I-I’m sorry, (y/n), I never meant to make you feel unheard. And I never meant for it to feel like you couldn’t tell me about these things.” 

“It-It’s not your fault, Jaehyun,” you protest, but he shakes his head, obviously disappointed in himself.

“No, (y/n), I’m supposed to be your best friend. How stupid can I be if I can’t notice when you’re having a hard time? I didn’t even stop to ask how you’ve been doing because you seemed to be doing fine. But I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have taken things at face value. I’m such an idiot,” Jaehyun berates himself. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

At his sincere apology, you can’t help but admit it to yourself—you desperately needed Jaehyun’s support as your best friend, but you were too scared to ask for it. And honestly? You felt immensely lonely without his words and presence to comfort you. 

“(Y/n), I hope you know that I see how hard you work. I know your sleepless nights and how much effort you put into every single thing you do. Despite everything you’re going through, you’re always trying to be better than the person you were yesterday, and it’s something I truly admire about you. But I hope you know it’s okay to be imperfect and flawed and to not be okay. I want to be here on your good and bad days. I just wish I could’ve been more vocal about this earlier… I’ve really taken you for granted, huh?” Jaehyun sighs wetly, taking your hand in both of his. He’s still crying; you both are, actually. What a silly pair the two of you make. 

“Thank you for trusting me and sharing all of this. It literally means the world to me,” Jaehyun rambles. “I promise I’ll be a better friend to you, someone you feel safe opening up to about anything, whether that be your achievements or your struggles. And (y/n), if it’s not too much to ask… Could I ask you to be more honest with me in the future?” He stares at you imploringly. “I don’t want you to think you have to go through all of this alone. I want to be here for you the same way you’ve always been there for me… Okay?”

“....Okay. Okay, I’ll try,” you respond softly. “Thank you, Jaehyun. I… I’ve never told anyone about this before. But thank you so much for just listening, and not judging, and accepting me for me…” While you appreciate Jaehyun’s presence at this moment, a new wave of fatigue washes over you with all this emotional vulnerability and talking. “Jaehyun… I’m still feeling really tired, so I might go back to sleep. Sorry, I know you came all the way here to see me, but here I am being shit company,” you apologize regretfully.

“Oh! That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jaehyun stands up from your bed to leave. When your fingers slip from each other, you feel an acute loss of warmth—both in your hands and in your heart. He makes his way to the door, slipping on his shoes, and your heart sinks. There’s something you badly want to ask of Jaehyun, but you’re too much of a coward to tell him what you truly want. You don’t want to be on your own right now, but you’d probably be asking too much of him. Accepting your fate, you settle in bed, attempting to take a nap so restless you’re sure will be of no help to your exhaustion.

However, Jaehyun himself stops in the doorway. He turns back around, a distraught look on his face. “(Y/n)... I don’t want to assume, but are you sure you want to be alone right now?” he begins. “I mean, we just had this really heavy talk. Can… Can I keep you company? I promise I’m great at cuddles—that’s what all my other friends say anyway when I annoy them with my hugs.”

When you nod, that’s all it takes for Jaehyun to shuck off his shoes, strip his jacket, and climb into bed with you. With your ear against his steady heartbeat and his comforting arm around you, you’re asleep in no time. It’s the best you’ve ever slept in months.

[drdemonprince]

I deeply agree that weve got to meet people where they are at, and that there are multiple factors to consider in a masking situation. But I’m gonna be real as someone who was deeply disabled by covid something still urks me about the way people have been discussing covid protection with you. It is all so overwhelmingly from the perspective of someone not sick. It’s all about how one made the choice to not mask in certain situations and how doing otherwise would ruin ones life, and that’s like, sure, makes sense. But I don’t get that choice. That choice was taken away from me. And I am not making a ill-informed strategic decision in shaming others, I simply have no empathy for the hurt feelings of the people who put me on my deathbed, to be quite fucking honest. I am all for strategic discussions but I am not here to be tone policed by people talking about their choices that I don’t even get to take, sitting here struggling to even type.

Thanks for sharing this. One of the big tension points with COVID is that the target behaviors that need to be changed are located within people who are, statistically, not the most vulnerable -- and so, on a tactical level, we are tasked with extending compassion and aid to people who might not show the same consideration to us as disabled people, if we want to be safe.

As HIV spread throughout queer, sex worker, and intraveneous drug user communities, it was often these very communities that organized in order to influence behavioral change within their own ranks. Gay bars handed out condoms to gay men. Gay sex clubs facilitated fisting nights so people could have safer sex. Needle exchanges run by current and former drug users helped keep drug users safe. The people most likely to be infected were also the people whose behavior could be positively influenced to protect them, and thus protect the community as a whole.

That's not quite the calculus here. In order to protect disabled and high-risk people, we need EVERYONE to be on the same page with regard to COVID mitigation strategies. We need people who are not themselves high risk to mask, test, get vaccinnated, improve ventilation in their homes, etc.

Now, many of these "low risk" people are not actually low risk; the data is pretty abundant at this point that it is in actuality quite hard to pin down who will develop long COVID and who will not, it can happen to just about anyone. And indeed, even many people who know themselves to be high risk are still taking significant risks regarding COVID right now -- because they are forced to go to work in kitchens and grocery stores and live with roommates who travel and etc or because they are so filled with despair they are risk resigned.

So trying to demarcate who is a disempowered victim here and who is an inconsiderate abled person is not actually so easy -- we must resist the urge that has been drilled into us to issue moral judgements about whom is righteous and whom is deserving of suffering. That is not a disability justice politic. No one deserves long covid, no one deserves to die, no one deserves to overdose, no one deserves to get AIDS, no one deserves to perish because they could not handle the loneliness of social isolation either. We must believe that all disabilities are legitimate and in need of accommodation here, and that includes mental ones that make strict mitigation adherence hard for some. (hello, hi, i have crazy risk-taking brain disease, and even so i care about COVID mitigation, and i need community care too).

EVEN SO, it is undeniably true what you are saying, that we are focusing more on the actions and choices and hang ups of the people who have some freedom to choose, and not the people who have been at home for years at this point, completely isolated, because they are high risk or disabled by COVID already.

I would always caution people to remember that there very much are folks who are high risk and have long COVID who are still forced by economic circumstances out into public life every single day. so we can't equate who is at home and who is out in public taking risk with how disabled or sick someone is. But still, I digress, and on the whole you are right, we are concerning ourselves with people who have the freedom to choose how they respond to COVID, and doesn't that seem unfair?

Sure it's unfair! But the people who have the ability to choose how they respond to COVID risk are the exact people whose behavior we are trying to influence here! We want more people to mask, get tested, get vaccinated, socialize outdoors, etc. And so we do have to put considerable resources and messaging into reaching those people and influencing their behavior if we wish to protect disabled and high risk people.

Someone has to do the work of listening to their concerns, educating them, validating their feelings, giving them access to masks and tests, and removing barriers to them taking those kinds of desired actions. a LOT of people have to do that work. You don't have to do that work as someone who is chronically ill, but I'm gonna do it. and I wish more of my comrades would join me in it, for your sake too! We need to be doing the footwork of getting all your neighbors masking so that it is safe for you to go outside!

We also DO want to protect those people who are taking big risks. Their lives do matter just as much to me. Many of the people who are disabled with long COVID were them once. The fact that someone takes a risk does not mean they deserve to get sick and die. Again that is a fundamental cornerstone of a disability justice politic.

But yes, I hear you, it's annoying from where you are sitting to have to hear people who get to out in public and take big risks complaining about how they are sad when they get criticized. You don't have to listen to these conversations. It shouldn't be your job to hold those conversations. But they do need to happen.

[ihavedonenothingright]

I try my best to be neutral about things I don't really like, but I think we need to reframe the way we discuss the classical world. I'm not saying you can't have fun with it—I think it's fascinating, and that's why I study it—but the Greek Mythology resurgence has led to a kind of weird mentality surrounding ancient religion, culture, and languages. There is no set 'canon' here, or 'one true version' of a myth; what we think of as Greek Mythology is a collection of stories pulled together from hundreds of city states with their own unique oral traditions, smashed into one broader narrative by various historians and poets. The details are going to vary, and that's normal—especially because most people are reading these stories in translation. Even if there was One True Original Story, you have no way of knowing what that is unless you learn to read Homeric Greek. Which was already a challenge for most of the other Greek writers you're familiar with.

Go and enjoy Epic or anything else you like. I think it's cool that more people are being introduced to classic literature right now, and I really hope that trend continues. I just wish people understood that they're engaging with a piece of collective culture, not something cohesive like the MCU. Details are going to vary, ancient writers have different takes on things, and that does not automatically make them worthless. Please let your interest in Homeric work take you other places. You can find a lot of interesting works online—for free!—that either influenced the things you already like, or built off of them. So here are a few of my recommendations.

The Descent of Ishtar, read by Martin West. I think it's important to note that Greek religion was heavily influenced by other existing traditions, and vice versa, since a lot of people seem to believe Greece is the original and other cultures simply 'copied.' This translation here is really lovely, AND you get the chance to listen to reconstructed Akkadian.

The Hippocratic Corpus, translated by Francis Adams. This is a pretty decent translation, and worth a read because it highlights 1. theological debates happening in real time over the causes of different illnesses and 2. the tendency Greeks and Romans had to attribute all noteworthy developments in a single field to one person. Homer probably didn't exist, at least not in the capacity we often think of, and neither did Hippocrates—so many of the texts in his own 'corpus' are in complete disagreement with each other. That said, they're still extremely useful. Airs, Waters, Places is a particularly important read in my opinion because it is intentionally xenophobic. Half of this text is a justification for the natural inferiority of Persians and all cultures ruled by or allied with the Achaemenid Empire, and this is not an uncommon opinion in Ancient Greek writing. I think it's important more people are aware of that since Ancient Greece is frequently idealized. Plus you'll get to read some VERY strange descriptions of human anatomy. Wait until you find out about how sperm makes your hair turn white.

Parallel Lives by Plutarch. Later Greek writers often get overlooked in favor of their predecessors, but Plutarch is particularly interesting because of the gap he's choosing to bridge: each section of Parallel Lives is a comparison between a significant Greek historical figure, and a significant Roman one. I can't not include Plutarch, especially since his section on Alexander the Great is one of our best sources of information on the man (no, seriously, we have lost SO much information over time). Anyway, I highly recommend it as a read. Perseus (the reading software) can be a little bit finicky, but this translation is pretty solid compared to some of their other, older available works.

[thegreatimpersonator]

If I may weigh in again because I've been thinking about this nearly all day you're right that it really does not matter whether or not Taylor is mentally ill, and she is not in anyway obligated to discuss her mental health publicly. If she were mentally if, if she was so mentally ill and physiologically resistant to medication that her best option was ECT, it would not change the fact that what she is doing now is sensationalising both mental illness and ECT. There is no ethical way to sensationalise something - exoticisation is inherently racist, fetishising queerness is inherently queer-phobic, and aestheticising mental illness is inherently abelistic. No one is saying that she isn't allowed to engage with the concept of mental illness in her music and performances. What we are saying is that the way she is doing so is incredibly insensitive. She consistently denigrates someone else for being depressed, and having substance abuse issues in TTPD, then turns around and co-opts both those things in a highly performative, trivialising way.

The contrast between the accusatory way she says "You needed me but you needed drugs more" and the flippant delivery of "I was high functioning alcoholic/until nobody noticed my new aesthetic" makes it very clear that she is not approaching substance abuse with any gravity at all - in the first instance she only cares that it's getting in the way of someone loving her in the way she ways, and in the second instance she explicitly states that she views alcoholism as a personality to role-play for attention.

"Here we go again/the voices in his head/called again to end our days of wild" very succinctly embodies a recurring issue in the album - He implicitly has persistent, capital-letter mental health issues, and she is fed up of them interfering with her ability to have fun. She is very clearly trivialising someone's mental health issues, and expecting sympathy for having been victimised and "broken" by it. He's not mean to her, doesn't do anything to her, she's just tired of his problems -- and that's the feeling we're expected to be sympathetic towards, that's what's being valued over mental illness.

And all this is directly harmful. The wide-spread trivialisation of mental illness means that people have a harder time being taken seriously by professionals, it means that their friends, peers, co-workers, bosses, parents, teachers etc, don't understand the extent to which mental illness affects a person's life. Perhaps most dangerously of all, it means that the mentally ill individual may not understand that what they're experiencing isn't normal because the language of their experience has been misappropriated into a causal context. I understand that she's just following a trend, but in following it, she's also perpetuating it in a very big way because unfortunately, we live in a world where she has much more influence than anybody actually qualified to talk about mental health.

(I wanted to rant a little about how disgusting the TTPD choreo is from both a mental health and feminist perspective, but this is probably already way too long.)

yes YES YES! all this is exactly it. no one's saying she isnt allowed to talk about mental health issues or specifically her struggles with it, of course she can. it's the way she's choosing to express it that's just very problematic and she's ignoring the problematic history of and trivializing them for performance/aesthetic purposes. she's just treating every issue she discusses with no empathy or gravity. she repeatedly treats others with mental health issues as a liability but then we should feel sad for her when she didn't feel bad for anyone else.

and the last part is just perfect and wanna reiterate it:

"I understand that she's just following a trend, but in following it, she's also perpetuating it in a very big way because unfortunately, we live in a world where she has much more influence than anybody actually qualified to talk about mental health."

[rreskk]

Love your work and have been binge reading everything Trevor :3 just have to throw that out there <3

A request I have is having the reader being recruited for a heist because she’s ex military and knows how to drive or good with guns (no real preference tbh you can work whatever angle you’d like) and Michael and Trevor both petty fight over who gets to be with her but she ultimately chooses T?

Amazing idea! Thank you :)

Summary: A new job needed a new crew member. You had caught Trev's and Michael's attention strongly. But who do you pick?

TW: -Suggestive content (sexual)

Word count: 927

Pairings: Ex- military Fem!reader/Trevor Philips

“Ex military, huh? Well… I guess me and [l/n] already have a lot in common.”

Michael rolled his eyes at Trevor’s suggestive comment and slumped in his seat. He looked at the board, your picture pinned as a potential gunwoman for the next job. You were extremely attractive, and ex-military (which had caught Trevor’s attention the most). He liked a good, strong woman after all.

“She ain’t a discharged mentally ill pilot from the Canadian air force, you Loonie.”

“Shut the fuck up, Mikey.” Trevor growled, his anger being triggered by the mentions of his past failure. He still had his eyes set on your printed picture, desperate for your part in the team – talented or not.

Lester had mentioned beforehand that you’ll be arriving soon to discuss any further concerns. The both men were pouncing in their seats, the only difference being; Michael was more calm and collected while Trev… Well, Trevor was already groping himself at the thought of you.

“Jesus, can you stop? You’ll scare her off.” Disturbed, Mikey glared at his buddy who was self-relieving.

“She’s ex-military, cupcake. A gunwoman who can handle herself – “ He groaned, “Damn… When she’s comin’ Molester? I’m getting’ impatient.”

“She’ll come in her own time… Just… Keep your mouth closed, I’ll do the talking.” Lester responded as he began writing some extra information on the board.

“Booorrriinnngggg! Hey, I’m sure a lady like herself would need a man as… Wild as me.”

Michael nudged Trevor’s shoulder in attempts to shut him up. However, before Trevor could react, the door opened and you walked in.

All eyes were set on you.

“Hey, I hope I wasn’t too late.” Your voice endearing and pleasant. You smiled at them all, clearly balanced in your frame of mind. For a lady who shot enemies senselessly in the military for years and years, you were a gentle soul. There was a shy glimpse in your eyes, someone feeble but independent and strong-minded.

“Ah, [y/n],” Lester offered his hand and you shook it gracefully. He then motioned to the seat beside Trevor – “Please, sit.”

You didn’t notice the eager guy at first. Not until you sat down.

“Hey.” He’d grin.

Luckily Trevor had stopped his groping just before you made an appearance. He was manspreading in his seat, observing your body language and occasionally trying to take a small peek at your ass. His heart flustered when you made eye-contact. He saw the Devil in your eyes, even if it was hidden by the ray of rainbows and innocence. Trevor’s grin grew wider, knowing he��s sat next to a lady who has killed without shame, and for her country.

“Nice to meet you.” You smiled.

“Ohhh… The pleasure is all mine.” The seductive labour of his tongue had made you visibly aware of his intensions. Trevor smirked when you got the hang of it, and winked.

“Ah, excuse Trevor…” The man beside him spoke, smiling at you, “I’m Michael. You must be [y/n]?”

You nodded.

“We heard that you’re pretty good with the gun?” Michael asked.

“Oh, yeah. I was a marksman for some years. I know my way around a rifle and assault rifles quite well.”

Trevor grunted from beside you, finding the urge to touch himself again. The bulge in between his legs was growing with every word you said.

“Impressive. Me and Trev, we ain’t professional, but we easily could be – “

“Wait, wait! Hey, I am a professional. I was in the air force.” He winked at you.

“Yeah… was,” Michael scoffed, “Besides, I’m talkin’ about the military, dumbass.”

“Oh, the air force? That’s cool. A pilot?”

Trevor’s eyes lit up when you took interest in his past profession. He shuffled a bit closer to you and smirked.

“Indeed. A fuckin’ great pilot. I’m talkin’ jets and nuclear drops.”

“Oh, damn. That’s pretty awesome. I respect your service.”

“And… I respect yours, as well.” His voice getting lower and his sinister grin widening.

“Okay, enough. We got to work on this thing,” Lester pouched, pointing to the board – “Now, [y/n], you’ll have to either assist Michael or…” He looked at Trevor, who was staring, admiring your beauty, “So… Michael is working on the south access, sniper. It’s able to be a one-person job, but a little help would be efficient. But, uh, Trevor’s route is on the North. He’s got the more open position and will be using an assault rifle. Two gunners would also be good… Either way, your help is much needed.”

You listened closely then realised you had to pick your partner. Michael and Trevor began hoping, yearning for your answer. They both had their ears out in case you say their name.

“You mentioned two gunners would be good? I wouldn’t mind partnering with Trevor.”

The way he threw his hands up in the air with victory. You jumped, not preparing for his sudden outburst.

“YES! FUCKIN’ YES!”

Michael looked defeated and he rolled his eyes, refusing to look in your direction. He was bitter that his old pal had caught your attention the most; the psychotic, mommy-issued freak.

“Oh, sugar, I ain’t gonna let you down.” He’d giddily chuckle and lean into your shoulder.

“Alright, [y/n] and Trevor are together. The plan is… Essentially closed.” Announced Lester.

“Yeah, yeah… Whatever. I got shit to do.”

“Awww, don’t be such a bad loser, Mikey. I’ll be sure to tell you all about our fun when it’s over.” Trevor winked before throwing an arm around your shoulder, “Now… [l/n]. How’d you like the sound of T.P.I?”

[theninjazebra]

Three points I would like to see discussed in homeschooling conversations more -

1. The economics. Unless someone is making absolute bank, being a single income household is very hard, especially with children. It then can become a game of child's education vs parent's job, even a wfh job (or family business, which is an even bigger bog of money vs education). And this is just day to day costs, not including that if you want a good education without a school you need to $pend on extra curriculars. So $$ vs education.

2. The difficulty of teenagers and how easy it is for education to become a battleground when the very normal process of building an identity outside your parents, but still being young enough that you can't take full responsibility for your education. If a child is of an age where they're ready to start fighting about everything, school is the easiest battleground. Parents already have a HUGE influence on the development of their kid, from big things like values to stupid shit. Increasing the amount of time you have together tilts this dramatically, so when teenagers very normally, very healthily pull away it's even more confusing and stressful. So relationship vs education.

3. The state of the community itself. Everyone wants to believe that they are the exception, they will stay normal, but your life is so fundamentally different to other families that other homeschoolers become your community just because they have this in common. And oh holy shit, the radicalisation in homeschool communities is real and a problem.

It's that human nature drive to be The Most, that tends to pull groups of people to more extreme positions, and it's the nature of the people who choose to pull their kids out of school - you have to be very strong and independent, very intense. And that strength has a down side - prone to contrarianism, stubborn, inflexibility. They're oddballs, but that makes them vulnerable. Everyone needs community, and if you're hanging out with people more extreme than you it's easy to loose sight of where you are.

The starting position of homeschool communities is that schools, especially public schools, Are Bad, Worse Than Anything You Could Do To Your Kid (why they are The Worst depends on the homeschooler, and is kind of besides the point).

This line gets repeated so much, it's taken as just absolute truth. Again, the reasons are mixed, some are ideological, sometimes because of bad experiences (especially parents bad experiences). But anytime there's a problem, other homeschoolers, who become a huge part of the family's support network, will always, always encourage to Keep Homeschooling, Homeschool More, Homeschool Harder (or unschool! a different topic for another day). And anyone outside the community who has concerns is Not Being Supportive.

Having said all of that I met my bestest best friend through homeschooling. There are also some lovely, dedicated, smart, fun people in there.

(I've deliberately stayed away from specific ideology because that is a different conversation, and I think the above is relevant regardless of political leanings.)

There are many reasons to homeschool. There are also as many reasons not to. I think people should have as many options as possible, they know their lives best. But before defending it or pulling your kids from school, or begging your parents to homeschool, please think about the above. It can turn into a vicious circle of everyone's needs not getting met, leading to a bonus 4th thing -

4. Mental/physical health crisis. When you're living an unusual life poor mental health can be normalised or missed. I mean this more in a generalized "we are a bit overwhelmed by life, haven't got out enough, just tired, etc kind of way than a serious issue. These are the conditions that can breed a serious issue. Or a bereavement! Or job loss! Or illness and injury! Or any number of life stuff that can compromise the primary source of education for a homeschooled child. A good homeschool friend will help, but again, the community is a grab bag so they can also enable a lot of shit.

I dunno. I know people want to argue about socialization all day, but I think those discussions often miss some of the finer issues - and if you're being bullied (yo, i did go to school for a bit, and that was a really mixed bag) the kind of socializing you get is fucked anyway. Even as a homeschooled kid I've always thought of it as not better or worse than school, and I stick by that as an adult. But I do wish the money, and the parental relationships, the community as a whole, and definitely the health of parents and children was discussed more.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

I made Mr. Mango Cat by accident 🤣 so I had to send you this bcz it reminded me so strongly of your Mango Cat plushie :3

Hope you doing well!

Your Blog is keeping me currently above the water bcz I'm very much burned out from many things silly work, silly volunteering, silly mental illnesses and I can't wait for my 2 weeks of vacation that I have soon so hopefully I'm surviving till then before ending up with a cold as well due to my body giving out mentally, physically and emotionally 😂 One good thing is I managed to read or better say listen to 4 books this year already and it makes me so happy bcz I used to be such a book rat and it gives me so much happiness. I'm even in a book club with some family members where we choose a book, read it and then meet and discuss and see what we liked about it or what the message is behind the book.

This drawing has literally been making my week - and now where tonight ended with my best friend ending up in the hospital and my date tomorrow getting canceled, I wish to thank you for this drawing. He is the cutest thing ever! 😍

[fifteenth-entity]

hi person I definitely do not know, choose the number 22 now let's see what you got

*cracks knuckles and neck*

everyone, meet my arch fucking nemesis.

one day, while we were in a literature workshop i think, we promised each other we'd write a character analysis of each other. we're both too scared to do it, but i will make a stand and this will be like... a hint of that. a teaser of what could be. an idea.

I don't exactly know where to start so I'll just pick a random point: I said previously that I visit Rei's house the most. That's because I practically live at Dee's house. It became so bad we eventually started going to uni together. It became a meme. and for good reason.

Dee is the most terrifying person you will ever see, but then you'll talk with them for 15 minutes and if you do end up clicking, you'll discover that there's nothing to be afraid of. They're very sweet, but so extremely introverted. Im an archeologist and they're ancient ruins which I KNOW exist and i WILL be digging them up.

but this person. this specimen. this creature. this eldritch entity. honestly man, i dunno what to say, other than this guy (gnc) is one of my best fucking friends and i am so happy about that. this BRAIN. they are genuinely the most fun to discuss shit about. like theyre one of the few people where i will rave about my special interests and they will rave about theirs and we will be having Fun.

speaking of raving about special interests, theyre one of the few neurotypical people with whom i genuinely feel heard and properly taken care of with. like so many of my acquiantances will just not understand the mental illness cocktail inside my brain, and dee doesn't either because they just don't experience it, but theyre one of the few people who will make accomodations for me without me even having asked and that is so noble of them.

also sorry for constantly talking about how hArD my life is. except when i say im dying or wanna kill myself. then im not sorry. i am a dramatic son of a bitch and you befriended me on PURPOSE.

also the ones that get it, get it, but creating an au with you has been one of the most fun experiences ever in my life. not only was it such a fun writing exercise (WRITERS CLUB WHO?) but i loved thinking with you and it was an excuse to spend time with you and no joke i would do it all over again and i WILL do it all over again you are extremely unsafe. and while our love languages clash, once we synced up and did parallel play perfectly, it was such... a safe environment. talking and planning an theorizing with them is fun as fuck. but chilling on their couch (aka my bed) while they play some strategy war game and i play breath of the wild and i listen to them rage at egyptians, mongolians, british, scottish, or whoever attacks their faction and theyre panicking about not having enough resources while i rapidly back away from an approaching lynel is so comforting.

drawing in the same room as them and explaining fashion trends while they explained the latest criminal minds episode to me was so fun. it was so safe. i will genuinely cherish every moment with them, and i massively appreciate them. I wont get into what the situation was, but i once had to run to their house at 12.30 am while carrying groceries in my pajamas, and i wouldd do that again, for any reason.

but also they BULLY me and i am being ABUSED. >:(

no bullying from me in this post tho, i already do a lot of that irl and i will not be stopping.

also i know you will never make your own post like this about me, dee, unless you're not a coward :)

[arieswizard]

lmfao ill throw my hat into the ring. caveat that i am speaking about this from a filipino-australian perspective, and specifically about anti-asian racism (not too much classism discussion here bc its already such a long reblog lmao but i would like to return to it). it's important to note that racism against Black/Blak students is acutely and uniquely damaging wrt "gifted kid syndrome", bc Black/Blak students in particular are systematically denied access to safe education + educational resources, and are policed both in the classroom and out to a much higher degree.

it annoys me that so many discussions on being a gifted kid fail to account for the very real, material roles that racism play. i'm south-east asian and i was very good at school, but growing up it was impossible to have any sort of healthy relationship with my intelligence that wasn't also couched in racism. none of the achievements i accomplished in school were considered on their own merit. instead, they "just made sense" because i was asian, because as everyone knows all asian people are smart.

when i was in high school there was a set of year 12 subjects known as the "asian five" (the two most difficult maths subjects, biology, chemistry and physics), which presented this awful catch-22: if you chose those subjects, you did it because you were asian (because asian kids can't think for themselves or have genuine passions in stem that they want to pursue), and if you didn't choose those subjects, you weren't actually asian (something that many, MANY people of all races told me over the course of my high school career). so in response to this endless scrutiny, i and a lot of other high-performing asian kids entered this vicious cycle: want/need to do well for a range of societal and personal reasons -> push ourselves to do incredibly well (specifically in a way legible to our white peers and teachers) -> have it reaffirmed by our peers that "doing well" is just the baseline for an asian student (meanwhile our white peers' struggles are meant with infinitely more patience and understanding) -> re-dedicate ourselves to "doing well" because it has become part of our fundamental identity -> rinse and repeat.

the fallout of when many of these kids couldn't keep up with the crushing pressure was massive. for a lot of us, it wasn't just that we were awarded for doing well - it was that we had to do well at a minimum, otherwise we were denied being asian. (which isn't even getting into the fact that you were doomed either way - if you were too asian that was cause for ridicule, and if you weren't asian enough that was also cause for ridicule). and this was NORMALISED for fuck's sake, every goddamn white person i knew in high school thought they knew exactly what Being Asian was, and were liberal in how they mocked the asian kids that didn't fit into the "gifted asian" stereotype.

and what about all of the asian kids who couldn't afford tutoring or extra study time because they had to work? all of the asian kids who were neurodivergent/traumatised/mentally ill/disabled in other ways? all of the asian kids who just didn't care about school, all of the asian kids who were treated as disappointments and failures and fair game for mockery, because they didn't reach the impossible fucking heights set by their white supremacist education systems??? well they were kicked to the goddamn kerb. just as every non-white student was if they failed, if they didnt apply themselves enough, if they didnt focus in class.

so yeah dont forget that non-white kids have it infinitely harder than their white peers. they have higher standards to meet, are under more intense pressures, have more systemic barriers to their happiness and success, and have much, MUCH more complicated relationships with being "gifted".

people misunderstand what ‘gifted kid’ actually means but it’s ok it’s fine it’s cool it’s good

[thecpdiary]

Autism: Changing the Narrative

Autism and mental illness are very personal. Many people have been at the forefront of being misunderstood and hurt for most of their lives. Autistic challenges lead to stereotypes, making life harder for those already struggling. It is important to see things differently – and to show more kindness to those dealing with mental challenges.

"Professor Peter Mitchell, Head of the School of Social Sciences at the University of Bradford, discussed the concept of the double empathy problem during World Autism Acceptance Week. He explained: The double empathy problem highlights that while autistic individuals may find it challenging to understand others, society also struggles to understand them. Recent findings revealed that when observers watched a video of someone and they were asked their impressions, they were more likely to respond negatively if the person in the video was autistic, even without being explicitly informed of their autism. In essence, autistic individuals are often misunderstood, which in turn affects their mental health." (Source: bradfordacuk)

Autism and Being Misunderstood

I continue to write about Autism because it's a part of who I am and an important part of my life. Like many who also write about their experiences with autism, I have also spent a lifetime being misunderstood because I deal with mental health challenges. We're seen as awkward, stubborn, but we're not awkward or stubborn for awkward and stubborn stake. We have autism. We see the world differently. Autism is not a disease; it’s a different way of thinking and experiencing the world. People with autism have a range of abilities, but also have numerous challenges.

The media may often perpetuate stigma, by using exaggerated, inaccurate depictions of individuals with mental illness. It may overlook the barriers we face, like the pressure to fit into a world that doesn’t value our differences. (Source: https://pmcncbinlmnihgov)

Disability, Mental Illness and Stigma

Both disability and mental illness are surrounded by stigma. With any mental or emotional challenge when others don't know or can't understand how you think, you are judged. Its stereotype, makes it harder for those struggling to speak up and get the support they need. Autism is just one aspect of mental illness, but with the right help, you can manage to live successful lives. Misunderstanding around mental illness, can leave those dealing with it, feeling isolated and alone.

Why Patience and Empathy Matter

Patience is important. Whether it’s a teacher making adjustments, a parent helping their child, or a friend listening, patience makes a big difference. Empathy is just as important. It means trying to see the world through another person's eyes and offering support. Empathy isn’t about feeling sorry for someone – it’s about valuing their experiences – it's about taking time to listen, to understand, to form a connection and to break down social barriers.

Changing the Story

To change how any mental illness is seen, society needs to be accepting of difference, to let people live their lives, and not to stand in judgment. Society as a whole needs to help those with autism, in fact with any mental health challenge, to help break down stereotypes – and to build understanding, in a world that chooses to misunderstand.

Conclusion: Moving forward

Building a world that values neurodiversity and supports mental health takes effort. It means questioning our biases, advocating for better resources, and treating everyone how others would want to be treated themselves. Most importantly, it means seeing autism and mental illness as a natural part of life, not problems to be fixed. By us rejecting harmful stereotypes and embracing inclusion, we may create a society where everyone feels valued and supported.

For more relatable, inspirational and lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[drdemonprince]

my thoughts and values align with yours re: STIs and risk AND i keep coming up against resistance to the recent discussions as a high-risk person still living almost entirely isolated amidst the ongoing pandemic. and when i take a second to breathe and think, i realize these are not conflicting at all. the friction isn't that i view illness morally or that i think we should avoid all risk. it's that the majority of folks without question take precautions to reduce STI exposure but the majority of people no longer consider doing the so minorly inconvenient precautions to reduce the spread of covid, which i would argue is much riskier than STIs at this point. and it's so exhausting because then i have to, based on my risk analysis of covid, take way more precautions because no one else is looking out for me. community care and harm reduction are my biggest driving values and i grieve how absent they are around me. i just wanted to share in case others are feeling similarly while reading this discussion. you rock and i so hope i get to engage in a beautiful public kinky scene some day.

Hey, thanks so much for sharing and walking us through your thought process.

What I might add is that individual people might not seemingly put much effort into COVID mitigation anymore because they have next to zero institutional support in doing so. Many of my disabled friends have to work in areas with a high risk of COVID exposure: waiting tables, stocking grocery store shelves, working as home health aids or phlebotomists, or teaching in schools. Some of them are high risk themselves, but because they have no choice but to work in areas where their life is put on the line, they have very high stress decompression needs and feel already resigned to their disposability in society, and so they do also go out to bars with their friends or hold parties or visit clubs.

I also know people who are able to socially distance quite strictly, test regularly, are vaccinated and boosted, but who intentionally make plans to visit cruising spaces or gay orgies very rarely so that they can remain relatively safe COVID wise but also not kill themselves out of despair (I'm not being hyperbolic here, that's exactly what some people have told me are the competing risks they face when they balance COVID exposure against isolation. And I know that many high risk populations face these same severe negative mental health outcomes too -- in fact, I know high risk people who choose to go out in public at times in order to remain sane, but who have to sit with the fact that it could be a mortal danger to do so).

I also think about how the queer community came together in the fight against AIDS to make condoms available, to educate one another about safer sex practices or harm reductionist practices, to engage in sex together in risk mitigating ways (such as gloved fisting) and how they pushed for the government to make drug treatment available to them. I see a lot of queer and disabled advocacy groups doing similar work today to spread accurate data on COVID as best they can, promote masking, organize solely outdoor events, encourage vaccination, and remind people of the stakes.

And I see such a massive gap between the ways in which risk mitigation was made possible through such community efforts, and how catastrophically the government fails us regarding COVID. We are not given free tests anymore. Vaccines aren't free anymore either. It is no longer a state of emergency. Many of us have been forced back into in-person work at our jobs. Our unemployment benefits have been cut. Student loan payments are roaring back into action. Disability benefits and medicare's expansion is rolling back. We no longer have accurate testing and tracing data. Masks are no longer required.

If a person wants to behave responsibly regarding COVID, how are they even supposed to? They can wear a mask in public and not experience in-person community to the extend they might like or need. But they can't actually prevent themselves from getting or spreading the virus because they've been forced back to work. I understand many people do not even take these small steps to reduce harm and that it is dismaying and outrageous. And I think you have ever right to feel outraged by it. But I also think individual behavior flows from social support and institutional pressure, and nearly all of that is heading in the wrong direction right now.

And I think about how collective the push for better government interventions regarding AIDS was, and how much the push regarding COVID instead is focused on targeting individual people for the actions they've made within a very unsupportive context. It was not beneficial to view individuals who had bareback sex or shot heroin as the origin of HIV, and I don't think it's helpful to understand COVID as a phenomenon of individuals failing to mask now.

Granted, it took HIV activism YEARS to get to the point of ACT UP. And we're not so many years deep into COVID yet comparatively. Personally when I look at all these facts in context I see a population that largely did take COVID seriously for a time, but who, due to a mix of institutional failure, mass misinformation, risk resignation, and despair, no longer do so in their behavior.

I don't believe in moralizing emotions and I think from your perspective you're affected by all these factors PLUS the massive risk of developing Long Covid symptoms or worse. And I know you know and live all this shit already so forgive me for preaching to the choir. But I do want to gently push back against the idea that most people don't care about COVID the way they care about STI's. I believe our discourse on both has been horrifically poisoned by individualism, capitalism, and institutional failure.

Some articles I have written on the subject:

[daryljdugdale]

Big birthdays!

It’s my big birthday next month and I’m feeling anxious. I lay awake wondering why ? 60 is so fucking old ? I acknowledge the alternative to getting older is death. Daryl died young and he remarked he was dying with his looks intact. He was absolutely right as he died beautiful. I’m not advocating this as an option but as am getting older i am fearful of the process. I fear aging alone. I fear dying alone. Obviously I don’t feel 60 and of course I do try and prevent it by dressing like the young, listening to the same music as my children, trying hard not to move through life in the measured stages of the previous older generations. But can I truly embrace it ? Helen Mirren and Judi Dench bloody rock old age but for me the process feels like a journey into invisibility. I feel it is heightened as a widower . I argue against the cruel clichés that as we age we need to give up long hair, desire and desirability, ambition, eagerness, passion, anger. I gravitate to the cliches that the old are expected to have attained great wisdom and inner peace. Nice but the losses appear to outweigh the gains. Tonight I’m blogging with my heart racing. I used to think I was scared of aging because I was scared of death, but now I think it's more a fear of life bolting away from me like this, which isn't quite the same thing. We spend our childhood waiting to become adults; then spend much of our life looking back . We measure our life against the life we have already had, the life that lies behind us. As a widow I do this constantly and really do need to stay in the moment! Prior to Daryl’s passing we spoke about getting old relishing that sense of not caring so much about what people and to walk to the pub hand in hand wearing a red polka dress tea dress and a green velvet suit. We were dreamers and there was never in these discussions any ill health worries. I now look in the mirror and am taken aback by the woman I see . A blink ago, my world was all possibility, doors that I might push open. I now struggle knowing lots of the things I've done in the past I will never do again.I sometimes wake in the morning with a slight stiffness in my body which makes me feel old. I look in the mirror, and I think: it's too soon. I am not ready for this.

Obviously in Daryl’s memory I aim to enjoy life to the full and I will fight decay with good foods, exercise, movement , friendship and connections , mental stimulation or with anything on the internet that promises to stop time! But time won't stop. There's no way to cheat the clock. So I’m trying hard to remember the life I have had shows in my wrinkles and I really want to own my imperfections, not hide them.I firmly believe some other older woman often get more beautiful as they age but I’m not ready yet! I guess losing the man who told me I was beautiful several times a day hasn’t helped. Germaine Greer wrote how getting and becoming invisible was a freedom for her, liberated at last from the tyranny of men's lust and her own desire, but for me it’s a terrible thought. But the clock still ticks. I know at first hand there is a sense of the precariousness of life, which could end at any time. We don’t generally value age and wisdom but we value youth, newness.I feel scared of not being closer to death, but further away from what i think of as life. I am via counselling and self care becoming more aware of the person I am and know I should rejoice the years I have lived and those I have yet to encounter. I am TC ! I am lucky to be alive and i love my inner self but just wish my outer shell could smooth out a bit! I aim to celebrate being 60 with friends and family and multiple special firsts. It’s time for me to put on my big-girl pants and embrace ageing in all its glory. Disgracefully or disgracefully, it’s a woman’s choice as to how we age. For me I choose disgracefully in my mini skirt with bright red hair. To do otherwise is to buy into the role society wants me to play – and it’s hard to get attention, dignified or not, once you’re invisible. I owe this to someone very special. Happy birthday to myself TC on 23 rd October 💋

[jjdoggies]

this is mostly gonna be me ranting about someone i wish i didn't get reminded about every so often but i do and i need some way to deal with that so, under the cut is a bit of a rant about them. please please please look at the tags before clicking!!!!

(pls let me know if i need to tag more tws!!)

(this got much much much longer than i had intended it to so...be prepared if you decide to actually read it all.)

every so often, while talking to my best friend fucking everrrr (love you 💕) i get reminded of the very real fact that one of the very first people that i thought was one of my friends in the online/fandom world was actually a legal groomer.

like they only started harassing and making other people uncomfortable as long as they were 18+ and constantly ignored and overstepped boundaries set by anyone else. and then every time they got confronted about it they'd blame their behavior on mental health/illness or just claim that their phone died and that's why they couldn't respond and then ignore the issue entirely.

in my case specifically, since i don't want to speak on behalf of other people and their experience with this person, i had told them numerous times that i am fairly sex adverse and don't like talking about topics/subject matter that relates to it all the time. (to be clear i have no issue with other people talking about it as much or as little as they want to, i just don't like talking about it.) but i had told this person, as well as our collective friend group, numerous times but they consistently chose to ignore it in favor of doing what they wanted at any given time. and bc of this person that aversion to such topics has only gotten stronger for me bc of the subject itself and this person.

over the past year or so, my other friends and i have come to the realization that it wasn't just one or two of us that she did things like that to (as in discussing topics that we had clearly outlined several times that we didn't want to talk about ever.) and even went to the extent of gifting fics to our accounts over on ao3 with those exact subjects in it, knowing that we didn't like them.

i was only 'friends' with them for about 14-16 months, but in that time, she constantly gave flimsy excuses for their shitty behavior. she would tell us stories about things she had done in middle school/high school thinking that it was something we'd find funny but it was just discomforting. there were several instances in which she'd lie to me about a situation but then tell someone else an entirely different lie about it. when our relationship was already in the midst of falling out, rather quickly, she would play the victim constantly and claim she didn't 'make me choose' between her and my bestie (as if there was ever a choice 💕) when she had been the one making just being online nearly insufferable. and even when i separated myself from her, and made it clear by blocking her and adding some tags to ao3 (before they had launched the blocking/muting features) to indicate to her directly that i didn't want her interacting with/viewing my online presence, she tried to control my actions by manipulating more people and isolate me (just as she had done to at least 2 other people that disagreed with her before) from my other friends.

tl:dr - i had to learn a very hard way that as much as i think i can trust and be friends with someone i met online, some of them are unstable and manipulative people that aren't as nice and sweet as they want everyone to think they are.

[hanzi83]

Random Fandom Rant

Maybe it is my inexperience in writing. I clearly don’t have the official smarts that most would have when writing but for some reason I insist on doing it. Since I am monitored, I like writing because the ones who hate monitor and stalk my privacy like to know what I write before I put it out so they can probably get ahead and start “gaslighting”, I didn’t even want to use the word but everyone is gonna over use it in the next several months where it won’t mean shit, it is probably because we get online and every day we are gaslighting people to cause chaos online when the world is already burning but we need more culture wars and organized chaos so people get off on their 90’s fetishism that they want to exude every single day. I didn’t feel as satisfied with the last blog. It becomes kind of difficult for me to kind maintain focus when I choose to write at late hours in the night, but I have been sitting on this for a while and time to time I will let a little out but most of the time, it isn’t fleshed out and I still publish it but then come back and probably will repeat some of the same points since everyone is repeating everything over and over. But I did want to talk about more about the fandom and how compromised a lot of it is, and we will never get to the bottom of it and solve the issues if all the cards are not on the table, and that will be impossible, because most social climbers online start off as these rebellious truth tellers, but they are most likely climbing up to the same exploitative system they claim to hate and when they get their gigs and get their access, they can hang around with other mentally ill cogs, who will use their mental illness to give incentive to other mentally ill muses, who use their new elitist status to then start shitting on other mentally ill people in the fandom who are trying to make their name because that is where people start off, it is online. It has always been that way it seems, a lot of people have marketed themselves as the internet king so we think it is more genuine and no way manufactured, hence industry plants like your favorite celebs. Then we find out they are scumbags on some level, their cult will act like they are being canceled, so it then gives them carte blanche to move and pivot to the right wing. Hence why we are going to be discussing David Choe and Jonathan Majors, and we will simplify the discourse by the culture wars and present it as simple of “problematic men” and I am not denying it, but there is a reason why other sports entertainers online who are building a brand never expose the system and ask the same questions of “How can Netflix still allow this to go down” like they really give a fuck, who really has suffered real consequences, even the ones who have suffered have built up a lot of social equity online since the online currency is probably more value than the paper money you have in your wallet. Do we not see any fucking pattern in what is going on, are we really going to keep dumbing shit down? Now I don’t know if David Choe was confessing shit in 2014 or was he being shocking, when I used to try and be shocking it was under the guise of thinking the most horrid was the edgiest shit because society embraced that, all the alt entertainment would encourage it, but this shit has been known and people keep track, so people in the industry let him exist after he confessed that and now since the world is going more right wing, especially entertainment, this was a way to expose something that was known so now they have a reason to move more to the right since they are gonna be running showbiz, they actually always have even if the right tried to paint Hollywood as liberal, because some people say they are democrats. They even made sure to make this one racial too, so not only do we have the angle of problematic and abusive man, so we can reduce it to gender wars, but then specifying that he did this to a black woman, when there is already so much hostility between different general communities while members of the delegations in the system have their beefs seep out where it becomes a bigger problem. But even the gimmick of him trying to get it scrubbed from the internet is also a heel tactic to add more to it, if he really scrubbed it we would not be talking about it, but on the internet now, which is gimmicked platform, if we say “Hey look of this official record of something being censored” then we think because we read it online that is more genuine. I am not saying he didn’t but the fact we know he did try, means it is another heel tactic in sports entertainment that backfired. The system doesn’t care about the abuse done until they can exploit it even if they do it from a place of concern, because if you did give a shit, then a lot of you wouldn’t be trying to socially climb into a system that will okay a lot of the physical and mental abuse, and you can’t count on the people in the media to really cover it because they cover it in the most limited way and it doesn’t help that a lot of the news outlets all want to be comedians and sports entertainers, they all want to be in showbiz, that is what our world is, more fucking theater. I have made this point before and I have been known to hammer home shit down until it means nothing, you have to excuse me, that is all of my years of watching WWE for most of my life, but if I compare slurs and horrible behavior  to finishing moves that would be used in a wrestling match, it used to have more power to finish someone off in a match, but now the shit is used for conjured up controversy and scandal that it barely finishes anyone out, Ali Alexander is literally being exposed a pedophile, you think that will put him down for the count of 3. It won’t even get a 1 count, it would be used as a fucking transitional move, that Brian Last and Jim Cornette would bitch about it not being like the old days of when a DDT would finish you off. And when I thought people were being exposed and called out, I figured a few years ago, it would lead to the examination of the bigger picture but it just serves for different factions to cancel someone and expose them while they advocate for someone who will probably be exposed for the same shit. The fucking Dali Lama is literally fucking fresh kissing some kid as a fucking viral video, these mother fuckers don’t give a fuck. I feel it is because we are moving in a new era where people are promoting their filth, knowing we won’t play by the same rules and they won’t face real accountability. At this point, who isn’t problematic in the fucking public eye. This is why I never wanted to sell my soul, because if you are someone who didn’t make it because you didn’t partake in initiations, they normally give you the initiation that matches the theme of whatever problematic shit you said in the past and I figured that out, so people used to give me shit for not doing shocking and edge lord shit, but if you put that energy out there, they eventually manifest that shit. I know this is just a pesky theory that no one will take seriously and that is fine, but what is the fucking solution? Keep the cycle going in of more culture wars, talking in circles, more sports entertainment while people are being abused mentally and physically and they are not allowed to speak out on it until the system is ready to turn the perpetrator into a fucking heel? I will never fucking get how the cycle keeps continuing. But we are so entrenched into the entertainment fandom, that we will never escape this, people are more sad that they can’t enjoy the show Beef anymore because of this than the actual victim. The more we double down with this entertainment shit, and being in cultic behavior, we are not gonna get better. People who have the access and then act like everyone else take the entertainment too seriously. Let’s put this to a test, let’s see how long it would take for you shit heads to unravel if they took away your access and the protection for your creep behavior. You get online trying to do worked shoots to create this feeling of the 90’s because you didn’t get to be the characters you are portraying back in the 90’s so you need to go to all this trouble to help the system create chaos, and when you get what you think you want, you will realize you will be a cog in the system, and all that access, the spoils, they weren’t just for the pleasantries. The funny thing as soon as people get their gigs and access, they will then cause a shit storm for several months and sabotage the talent, and make people feel like shit for enjoying the art presented for what  it is, but now that your favorites are making their return to whatever artform, you will then shut down anyone complaining, the talent owe the fans an apology for causing a shit storm and having more mentally ill people act unhinged, but now that people are getting their way, they will then now advocate for people not to complain at all because it makes them feel uncomfortable even though they have literally aligned with white supremacists to instill fear into me because they couldn’t handle my opinions, and the reason you can’t admit you are triggered by what I say or write, it would mean you would have to admit you are so sociopathic and fucked in the head, that you will monitor the tweets of what is said and get other cult members to be in people’s mentions. 

I don’t read enough smart books to know if this would be a more appropriate time to start a new paragraph. I know roll your eyes, I am being to self aware about my process, sorry maybe I should reboot a 90’s trope and act like the internet is underground shit that we still use 56k modem for. What really gets to me is these people who are the biggest sociopaths and that are dictating the narratives and the discourse and constantly bring this up will talk about how people have parasocial relationships with talent, when they literally only cosign talent they can eat off of and get access to, or industry sex workers they can fuck. The same type of fucked up people who will have nothing on their timeline but anti trans and other bigoted shit telling other people they are mentally ill, these are the people who literally were advocating for bullying people, because all they have is physical intimidation which is only permitted by their handlers and higher ups and punching someone out is the ultimate keep it real move, even though they have been trying to shake people down and mentally fuck with them and when they fight back, then it is them going too far. They literally use other accounts to pose as liberals to cancel people so that the people they cancel will be on the right wing side, hence why a bunch of shit heads sports entertainers gassed up Charly Arnolt who they knew was a bigoted piece of shit, she is good looking but another person with a boring personality with boring politics, there are better grifters doing a better job than what you are doing but the same people who won’t mind that, would be furious and trying to get other minorities piled on, people who claimed to never watch WWE and be anti WWE had a problem with a woman writer who made a mistake by admitting she didn’t know much about it, and they exiled her. There is more people who will go out of their way to defend a shity head bigot like Jim Cornette because he is on CM Punk’s side, and the fandom exiled Swole and ACH from opening their mouths about the systemic issues in the company and now I am supposed to give a shit about a fucking stupid worked shoot that paints CM Punk as this ultimate victim? That is severely mentally ill, these same types of shills will try to shut down people by saying “YOU KNOW PEOPLE IN THE INDUSTRY THINK YOU ARE ALL LOSERS” because then people won’t speak up and give their opinion, but me? I don’t give a shit if I hang with anyone in the industry. I know most of their politics. I am not impressed, especially if people in the industry who don’t need to worry about what people online say, but they will insist on being obsessed about what online fans are doing, and some of you help give incentive to your cult members to cause more shit online. You feed this shit, the billionaires help fund this shit, but we can’t call it out because we have to dumb down the villains. “DID YOU KNOW WWE DIDN’T PLAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN” We’re still on that dumbed down narrative, it is probably why they don’t see how there seems to be this right wing pivot from people who used to work there but then leave and become worse. To me it is like a mafia system where you still kick up to Vince, but on the surface you support them because they seemingly left the company, which why it is hilarious when people promote other promotions who have been allowed to exist because of WWE since they are supposed to be the watered down system but they are making the most money they have ever made. We have to correlate past corruption with current manufactured ones even though the game is way more advanced. All of this is just my opinion. But people will call out Charly and then not learn their lesson and start Stanning for other figures, how about you don’t Stan for anyone because you will keep being disappointed. There is a common trend going on but you think WWE doesn’t cosign any of this despite being tight with a bunch of right wingers. Wrestling fans will never currently be in the right with a lot of stuff. They can look back at past ignorance and racism etc, and think because it is not in the actual program anymore, that it isn’t being promoted online because that is where the storylines are going now.  Just look at the Marty Jannetty shit where he is just admitting to random shit the last few years, and now guess what, he is gonna be a topic on Darkside of the ring, he probably has a writing team since something will go viral and give him social currency. If we could have an honest look at the inconsistencies from the sports entertainment accounts then maybe this shit online would be more tolerable, but people who are the most disturbed are the ones calling other people mentally ill. 

If I am supposed to believe all this Brawl Out shit is real right, then people who advocate for safer working conditions will do the bare minimum to bring it up but then at the same time, they don’t give a shit about the mental health people will face from turning some real life shit into an angle, which is what we looked back in the past and said “We shouldn’t exploit these issues” but when it currently happens, then people want the worst shit to happen, maybe just admit this shit is a work and it is gonna pay off. I am not even against anyone returning, what I am against is another company had to become a shitty discourse company because a bunch of people who only consumed attitude era shit are now dictating when we are supposed to like shit and when we are supposed to hate it, even though no company has ever been perfect even in its stronger years. All of this to cater to one man’s ego because he never main evented Wrestlemania, and they can’t even give you the work, now since they didn't’ get their reboot of WCW vs WWE, they want to do Raw vs Smackdown, because now we will have a brand split between AEW with this new Saturday show, yeah water shit down even more, you have 50 million shows and it will be easier not to keep up with all of this shit, and I know the future discourse will be for people who politicked for gigs to help write for the new show and they will shit on Dynamite because CM Punk is on that show, so this industry has to create more culture wars, and there needs to be this insistence that wrestling has to be dysfunctional because they don’t want you to know most people probably get along. None of the internet drama has made me like any of these people on my screens better, I used to enjoy watching FTR and now I can’t stand to see them anymore since they have become online characters, and they will act like fans are out of line for getting mad at them supporting Cornette, because they claim to care about the women’s wrestlers and women wrestling yet they never ever call out their misogynistic and bigoted hero, because he managed the Midnight Express in the 80’s. They always address the positives, but I don’t even blame FTR for that solely because I feel both companies have Cornette just be a shock jock to shit on talent and gear up more fucking hatred for them. If you have a problem with Cornette, talk to Vince, Tony Khan etc, oh yeah I forgot people online think Cornette is against all these companies because he uses explicit language and dumbs down Vince’s villainous ways too. All of this for a CM Punk Jericho feud, you already trained me not to give a shit about Jericho’s feud, why would I want to see him vs CM Punk? I hope I can move away from this fandom, because you know what the shills are right, people take this so seriously. Anytime I try to leave this behind, then some industry insider or whoever else will dangle something across my face to ensure I stay and it is like if I am so “important” to being a committed fan, then maybe you shouldn’t act like I didn’t exist and try to limit my access but you know what, I am glad it went down the way it did, because as time as went on, I am glad I was not super close with people in the entertainment business, I couldn’t even stand Artie Lange after a fucking while, the “OH MY GOD I USED TO WATCH HIM ON MAD TV” phase died pretty quickly when he acted like a bonafide piece of shit, and don’t ever question my credibility because of my aesthetic, a lot of you would never have the balls to go toe to toe with an industry leader who is probably a mafia person, like I did, and guess what I ate a lot of shit, a lot of people acted like I am lesser than and have suppressed me, I get brought out to be a guinea pig. Don’t question my credibility or question who I fucked or how much money I fucking have, because all those good things people have and they are still fucked up in the head. 

I keep figuring writing this shit, maybe I can just finally feel like I don’t need to consume this shit because every day my mental illness reacts to all of this shit and none of the people who are constantly stirring shit don’t want to admit the role they play in all of this and we all pretend we are just fans, just trust me if most of the sports entertainers were just fans and they weren’t getting their protected treatment, then they would bitch nonstop about it and constantly have pussy pow wows. I have been put through the ringer and this system has no way of improving despite people claiming there will be change, we can’t even get on the same page about world issues, because it all breaks down into a meaningless culture war issue. It gets tiring and exhausting and this has been going on for different eras of fandom. Now politics have turned into the same shit, because now we need the entertainment of “comedy” to levitate the situation, what does any of it mean when everything has to fucking be funny. I am not saying comedy is bad but don’t you think that this destructive artform has helped lower our guards about the hard truths of shit that is to come, because everyone has to do a shitty Trump impression. Even if you guys wanted to be funny, doesn’t it clue into you that everyone has an impression, wouldn’t you want to try something new, or is whatever the echo chambers agree with that makes it funny. You will shit on “liberal agendas” all fucking day and complain about wokeness but then try to help diversify the white supremacist ideology under the guise of cool lingo and shock jock entertainment and you don’t care if people who are like minded are mediocre with their opinions as long as they agree with you. You want to prop up the status quo, which is why whenever I act creative in any regard, and I am not the best person with “creativity” but me attempting creativity is frowned upon, it isn’t good enough that I am already suppressed but me attempting to do shit in my own little bubble is frowned upon because people with power might be into what I am saying or some shit, and then the other cogs will then try to amplify their shit because they worry that one day I might catch traction again. They figured I would bend over backwards to go back on the Stern Show because I couldn’t deal with being irrelevant, listen being mentally ill and wanting fame and getting a high off people knowing who you are has been hard to deal with, especially when people with power have made it clear no one can interact with you, but guess what, it made me stronger mentally. Sure I have my rants and irrational moments, but I know once I get put back into the “fame game” my mental illness will be triggered by bad faith vultures who want me to self destruct because they haven’t dealt with their mental illness and the more they cross over, the more they will use it for evil. When I see people go down that same path that I could’ve gone down, sure on the surface I could say I am happier because I go to weddings, gatherings, expensive trips, but over the last decade, seeing what people I know have hid from me and how elitist some of them have become and the state of the world, more sophisticated propaganda to ease us into the future of fascism, why would I want to be here? So I can get feet pictures of my favorite women celebrities? I don’t fucking know. I know people will think I am this super purist, I am not. I don’t think I am better than anyone, a lot of my frustration comes from a place of care on some level because I don’t want people to get worse, but it is hard when people double down and keep chaotic shit going and they won’t mind if they ruin people’s lives. I do have empathy for people in the system to an extent because these cogs will never be free and be committed to this fucking life even if they look like it aesthetically. Why would I root for more people to get power and money if they are going to use it for the most evil and become cookie cutter, I get it everyone needs to get paid but not everyone has to be super happy for that shit, sure there will be people who are jealous, and I would’ve been one of those people at some point, but some people might not just like how people end up becoming a lot worse as they get into the thick of things. I am the asshole who doesn’t want to get dirty. Thing is I write these blogs so I don’t have to be lured into the right wing because manipulators have tried to get on that mindframe, and I felt like no one would’ve stepped in if I didn’t figure out I was falling for a scam or a scheme, I don’t have resources to do background checks, so I don’t know if anyone trying to associate with me is someone who is problematic. Anyways. I know technically no one will “officially” read this because I am irrelevant but I like to try and put shit in writing even if it backfires on me. It becomes scary to see how comfortable people are getting with showing how awful they want to be and how fundamentalist all of this shit is and I kind of hate myself for being so into entertainment, but even if I was not from a young age, everything has become fodder for entertainment. I am not against worked shoot shit, and maybe all of this shit will work out but now that it has exposed how hypocritical and irrational everyone gets, it makes me question all of this and don’t give me shit about “OH MY GOD YOU ARE TAKING IT TOO SERIOUSLY” when a lot of you take this shit seriously, and the really important things that exist within this shit is not taken seriously enough. But don’t worry I am the one who ends up looking stupid, because I will write all of this, I will express all of this and guess what, I always end up giving back in. It has a hold on me. How can I escape this when the stuff I need to pay attention to has also become a parody and a laughing stock. There are 2 fascist shit heads egging to be presidents with pretentious in fighting and we are falling for all the gimmicked shit “OH MAN. MEATBALL RON…WHAT A NICKNAME” “OH LOOK AT THIS PUDDING FINGERS COMMERCIAL”. I can’t escape any of this. I don’t look forward to the direction, I focused more on the wrestling angle, but wrestling defines everything in our world whether you like it or not.

[mylittleredgirl]

Imagine, if you will, that you are sent back in time. You are now a showrunner on Voyager through timey-wimey Q reasons. You can now add an arc to a character that deals with mental illness(and deal with it well). Who do you choose and why?

oh i'm immediately sweating at the idea of being responsible for something like that! 😂

[three hours later]: i wrote the longest tumblr dot com essay of my life about mental illness in voyager. it's below the readmore.

tl;dr: voyager Did Some Things with janeway, b'elanna, and chakotay, and i ultimately choose b'elanna, because i think that arc has the most interesting facets to pull apart.

so, voyager does have a few mental illness episodes already: "night" (janeway; depression), "extreme risk" (b'elanna; parasuicidal behavior), and "the fight" (chakotay; psychosis). there are things to love and hate about each of them!

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"night" sure is a portrait of depression, in a way that's hard for me to even watch. it's a great episode and mulgrew nails it, but the depression isn't named, and it's not treated at all -- the scene where the crew mutinies to keep her from sacrificing herself is great family feels, but the overall solution to janeway's mental breakdown is to fling her back into the fire. "we need you so don't leave us" is a different message than "we see your suffering and are here to help you through it."

janeway needs and deserves a multi-episode arc with how they set it up, and she doesn't get one. HOWEVER, if it were up to me and i were designing the show, i would choose to give my mental health arc to someone other than the captain, especially the first female captain of the franchise. it's 1998 and my girl has enough PR problems.

gender aside, i want my arc to have open disclosure and community support, and that creates real problems when she's at the very top of the military hierarchy (in voyager especially, with no external oversight or chance for respite). any significant mental health arc involving the captain will be about her captaincy as much as her healing.

remember the exchange between the doctor and janeway in "year of hell" when he tries to remove her from command for mental health reasons and she just... says no? what if it's chakotay instead? what if it's tuvok? what if it's the whole command staff sitting around together discussing whether or not to have a mutiny? what if it's the whole world sitting around discussing whether a woman with mental illness is capable of being in charge of something important like people's lives? and is it irresponsible for her not to step aside for someone "saner"? if we put this up for debate in the 90s, we are not going to like what comes out.

realistically, janeway's mental health does impact her command decisions sometimes. the more people who know she has a diagnosed condition, even in the far-flung enlightened future, the more people who are going to have this bit of data in their mind when they consider her more extreme orders and actions.

it's very messy. it's interesting messy, but not the best option for star trek's first time digging into this.

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i really like "extreme risk," especially the end -- b'elanna is healing, but it will be a journey. it portrays the whole thing so well: the way b'elanna is living this silent parallel life from everyone else that they don't know about, the way they try to reach her but can't, the way she hides it, the way she articulates it.

on the flip side, the "treatment" she gets in that episode is absolutely batshit, and that should really come up more whenever someone says that chakotay would make a good ship's counselor. (neelix, on the other hand, is a GEM to b'elanna here and elsewhere.) if janeway's psychiatric treatment plan was "more work," b'elanna's is "more trauma" (and then more work). i'm going to come back to this one!

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"the fight" is like... the worst if someone is looking for "good representation." it is not handled well. AND YET, it's the only episode where it's explicitly called out as mental illness (even if it's a made-up one), and the ONLY episode where anyone says it can be treated (successfully!!) with ongoing use of medication. prior to that, we saw mental illness treated one of two ways in trek: counseling (mostly for situational, trauma-based mental illness), or institutionalization (some tos episodes & ds9 "statistical probabilities"). it's wild watching the reg barclay episodes now, wondering why deanna wasn't encouraging him to take an anti-anxiety hypospray.

i've blogged about this before, but i feel like there's some realism in the Terrible Representation parts of "the fight." hear me out: mental illness can be fucking terrifying. especially in the case of a sudden acute onset, it can feel like it will ruin your life. untreated mental illness can be a burden on those around you and impact the children in your home.

also, chakotay has established, unresolved internalized issues with his own culture, so the fact that his grandfather refused treatment on spiritual grounds is going to be a tough thing for him to respect or forgive (and might actually be the origin of some of his resistance to his culture!!). the fact that he's rude and dismissive about his grandfather ("crazy old man") is pretty shocking from someone as generally open-minded and caring as chakotay, but it works... as a starting point, where he's terrified and facing his worst childhood fear that he has never processed as an adult.

so that's where this episode blows it: it brings up all these terrible mental illness stereotypes and then just leaves them there unchallenged. chakotay goes on an emotional journey toward surrender (he has to let himself go "crazy" in order for the ship to survive), but there's no journey toward acceptance. he doesn't come away from it with a greater appreciation for his culture or with a new empathy for his grandfather. and because it's medically handwaved off-screen, he never has to think about it again.

i'm honestly obsessed with the possibilities here for chakotay, but in the context of 90s episodic trek, i don't think i need to spend my magical Q-powers multi-episode arc to fix this. this genuinely could have been wrapped into the end of the episode (and left to the hurt/comfort fic writers after that).

because they don't NEED to magically cure chakotay! it has already been established in the episode that his condition can be managed with "a couple of hyposprays a day." imagine that it's the spring of 1999, and a Strong Male Lead in a family viewing tv show now takes prescription psych meds!!! and they work!!! not only is he on his way back to being first officer with this permanent condition on his medical chart, his mental illness is evidence of heroism, not weakness. at the climax of the episode, the doctor fully activates the gene (with chakotay's permission) so that he can communicate with the aliens -- with an implied warning that it may not be reversible.

so if i'm in charge, we get a scene at the end that's more emotionally in line with the end of "extreme risk": chakotay isn't happy about this outcome, but he will continue to live his life and serve the ship with the full trust of his captain and crew. "this is part of me forever, but i can learn to live with it" kind of vibe. he hopes this will be an opportunity for him to better understand his grandfather, but he's making a different choice that's right for him (medical treatment). janeway says she's here for him. maybe in a future episode we get a mention, the way we do with neelix's single lung. dishes are done.

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so now, my multi-episode arc can go to b'elanna.

because she needs it. her situation is complex! she has childhood trauma and self-hatred and so much other internalized shit that she needs to process, embrace, and/or unlearn.

and the bones of the arc are already there! there's obviously a connecting line between "faces" and "lineage," because both are about b'elanna not wanting to be klingon due to childhood abandonment, but i feel like a line should also be drawn between "extreme risk" and "lineage" too.

in "extreme risk," she tries to cut her trauma out of herself. she tries to do the same to her unborn child in "lineage" (not incidentally, by undergoing a medical procedure herself). in both cases, she has a "this is the only reasonable course of action" attitude about a WILDLY unreasonable course of action, which feels very personally familiar to me from a mental illness perspective.

in both episodes, her extreme behavior is treated as something situational (as a response to grief; as the result of a hormone imbalance) but it would be soooooo easy and good to tie these things together into a recurring character arc toward treatment and wholeness.

with the exception of "extreme risk," all of b'elanna's issues get pinned on her being klingon ("juggernaut," for instance, where she is sent to punitive meditation lessons to learn to control her temper). any mental health arc for her would have to tease that apart -- what's her natural temperament? what's a chemical imbalance? what's internalized racism? what's an unhealthy coping mechanism? what's a trauma response?

i would love - love!!! - for her depression to be identified as specifically a human problem, and for her to find ways to lean into her klingon side to help her.

that's actually a really important part of this, to make sure it isn't star-trek-ed too deeply into an Alien Metaphor. actually name it! let this forge connections between her and others on the ship! talk about the how the doctor can fix the chemical imbalance (it's the 24th century, after all), but that's not the end of the work that needs to happen.

b'elanna is in charge of a department and could be in charge of away missions, so we can still explore the "is someone with this still capable" question that we could with janeway, but in a way that's more manageable for the audience to take in (basically, something like "juggernaut" reimagined through this lens).

and maybe, instead of janeway at the end of my reworked version of "the fight" up there, b'elanna's the one to offer chakotay support and hope, sharing some of her hard-earned expertise. her hard journey is now a Good Thing as well, because of how she can support others.

thank you anonymous friend for this theoretical exercise, and congratulations to anyone who read this all the way to the end!