#watching international trans friends struggle

[tratserenoyreve]

like i am "fortunate" insofar as not being in an immediate situation where people are rationalizing exploding sheltering children into bits and to have a gender identity that is None which prevents people from retaliating strongly against me when i already don't feel strongly about it and you can't misgender someone whose pronouns are "whatever dude" (which pales in comparison to the daunting nightmare that is people rationalizing exploding entire sheltering displaced families into smithereens)

the problems i do have (longstanding unattended health issues, surgery included, not especially stable housing) are still very much present and quietly compounded by me witnessing friends and neighbors also struggle more and more. i may not be in immediate danger but many people i've known are and in my compassion for them i sit on a precipice and im witnessing others in similar positions getting shoved abruptly and unceremoniously into the ether

i care! a lot! about a lot of things! so, im not doing particularly good!

[violet-snail-sfw]

The first time I saw a trans woman was in porn. I was pretty young then, in early middle school I think. My first thoughts about trans women only existed in a sexual context, since that was the only place I saw us mentioned

The next time I saw trans people mentioned was a TV show presumably about trans people and transitioning. I didn't watch it, only saw the description because even as a kid I had already internalized the idea that it was taboo and I would get in trouble if my parents walked in and I was watching it

Eventually I saw enough TV and cop shows to see an episode with the dead trans hooker trope. It further reinforced the building idea that trans women were something else, separate from "normal" people and always on the outskirts of society

And then Caitlyn Jenner came out. At my Catholic middle school there were few kind things said about her and plenty of nasty comments, but this was the first time I saw trans people being publicly talked about

In high school my views on trans people started to fracture. On one hand, I was being pushed the idea that gender was about what's in your pants, that if you've got a dick your a man and there's nothing that can be done about it. On the other hand, early high school me had stumbled across some gender change erotica and quickly became obsessed with it. While it wasn't great representation, it was still pretty positive about transitioning. The people in those stories were always happier afterwards

I struggled to reconcile what parts of society were saying about trans people with my daydreaming about what I'd do if I woke up the next morning as a girl. Eventually I decided that it was just a fetish. I just thought it was hot, there was no way I could be trans because I was just a normal person. I wasn't weird or a spectacle for others to gawk at, I was just a person

Around that time I also met a trans person in passing for the first time. One of the trans guys at my high school was in one of the musicals that I went to because some of my friends were also in them. When I was talking to my friends about it after someone mentioned the trans guy and that he was trans. I wasn't really sure what to think so I kinda just didn't think about it. Thinking back, there were a few trans guys at my high school but I don't think there was a single out trans woman

Eventually in college I actually met some trans and nonbinary people. In some classes we introduced ourselves on the first day with names and pronouns which was my first exposure to people using pronouns other than just he/him and she/her. I had a few classes with trans and nonbinary people, including a survey of transgender studies class I took in my last semester. I had plenty of excuses for why I was taking it (I needed a few more credits to graduate. It still had room open. It fit with my other classes. It seemed interesting. I'm trying to be a good ally.)

Around this time as well I found some trans creators online like ContraPoints and Philosophy Tube (whom I had watched before she came out as trans). I was weirdly excited and interested when Odyssey Eurobeat came out as trans and I went to go listen to some of her music right after I heard. I was starting to have examples of trans people just being people. Not just porn stars or public spectacles, but people

Later I met and befriended a few trans women, one of whom was extremely open about her transness and happened to share a video which started the initial steps of my egg cracking and figuring out who I am now

If I had actually known any trans women, if the world had been kinder to trans people, if representation of trans women as people existed and was well known, I might have been able to realize who I was sooner. I would have been able to exist as myself for more than a tiny fragment of my life so far

Representation matters, both in media and in daily life. Trans people being out and open about who they are made it possible for me to realize that about myself. Please never stop being who you are

[painfulstretch]

idea/fantasy: i’m your overdue trans guy roommate. i share everything with you not knowing about your kink. i’ve started complaining about how sick I am of being pregnant, eventually you give into temptation and offer your help. you use teas and herbs and massages to jumpstart my labor. i comply happily, appreciating the help, and am even excited when i feel the first light contractions, i even have you time them to figure out when i should head to the hospital. i have no idea what i’m in for. 12 hours later im still in our apartment, totally at your mercy. i realized far too late why you’d been so eager to assist, and now i’m stuck on the bathroom floor trying to bring a 12lb baby to crown. i’m shouting and crying hysterically as each push wrenches me open, and there’s still a massive bulge sitting just inside. i’ve long given up on begging, the only help you’ll give is to hold my thighs wide apart so you can enjoy the show.

fuckkk anon, that sounds like the dream. getting the chance to see your huge belly everyday would already be great - i'd always be watching you, seeing how your struggle grows everyday, how you're constantly rubbing circles into your aching back and strained bump, hurting all over even before the contractions first started.

i have to bite my tongue when you say you're sick of being pregnant. i would love to see you like this a little longer, just to see how much more weight you'd be able to carry on your slim hips. but i also can't deny i'm excited for your labor. the desire to see you scream out your baby is far stronger than the wish to see you pregnant. so i help you kickstart your labor, and fuck the sight of you doubling over, moaning and panting in pain, every time a contraction hits, is just exquisite.

you're too busy riding out the waves of pain to notice my grin as i time your contractions and announce how short the pauses become, getting closer and closer to the real deal. i reach over to touch your massive belly every now and then, you lean into my hand not yet realising that it's not the touch of a friend trying to be supportive but more akin to a predator toying with its prey. i can't get enough of feeling your bump contracting harshly, and hearing you moan and grunt.

i keep up the act for so long, i start to internally laugh at your naive nature. only when you say it's time to go to the hospital and i flatly deny it, do you become suspicious. suspicion turns to nervousness when you insist and i still don't comply, and then slowly morphs into panic, the clearer it becomes i'm serious and not just playing a mean joke. you become frantic, your words become pleading. i find i enjoy it massively. you've sunken to your knees, the contractions too strong to stay standing, and you're clutching your distended, rippling belly, tears forming in your eyes. you're begging, you're begging for quite some time. you cry, panicked, when i force my fingers inside you to check your dilation - you're dilating fast.

it takes hours until you give up and surrender to your fate of being my own personal entertainment. by now you're too deep into labor to try and argue anymore anyway. your panting and moaning has turned to screaming and sobbing. transition was definitely one of my favorite things to witness - the most painful part of labor. the way you shrieked and thrashed, big fat tears rolling down your cheeks. it lasted almost two hours, and i was thrilled the entire time, couldn't take my eyes off you for a single moment. i was kind of disappointed when it was over and you calmed down a little to take a breather. i decided you needed a proper birthing place - if you kept doing it here, our fine carpet might get dirty with your fluids. i dragged you to your feet, forcing you to walk to the bathroom despite the unbearable pressure in your pelvis. gravity brought the baby down faster.

and now we're here, on the bathroom floor. we have been for several hours now. the head is truly enormous, that bulge is probably the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. your skin stretched taut, an angry bruised red, and your lips fluttering around the top of the baby's head, trying to open up enough to let it pass. you've been trying for so long and still can barely get it crowning. i'm surprised you even got it all the way to your lips through your narrow hips if i'm honest.

your shouting and crying is music to my ears. your trembling, sweating body and your face scrunched up in agony are what my dreams are made of. i've watched you for twelve hours already, i'll gladly watch you for another twelve, or even more. i don't want it to end. i'll wait until you've got the head to a crown - i want to see how you react to the famous ring of fire, i want to see you writhe and wail as the burning stretch reaches its widest, most agonizing point -, i'll let you have that feeling of success for a few minutes because i'm not a monster, despite what you may think right now, you know? you can feel happy about your accomplishment. and when you've had your share, i'll place my hand on your bulging pussy.

didn’t i say i'd love to see you pregnant a bit longer but prefer seeing you suffer through labor? well, i realised... why choose when i can have both? i'll place my hand on the baby's head and give it a nice gentle shove. oh, the scream you let out as that white hot pain sears through your nether region up into your entire body will be glorious

[vyriadurav]

(Edit: using this as a pinned post about all my books for now in lieu of another one. This was formerly for International Lesbian Day but now is a one stop shop for all my books) For starters, consider checking out

Catnip Amazon | Itch.io | Alternative Ebook Sellers | Audiobook For all his life, Sol has believed he's only worthy of affection as long as he's useful--and he intends to prove his ultimate use by restoring a colony on Venus as a new home for his friends and lovers. But upon arriving, he realizes there's more here than he bargained for. For one, the resident artificial intelligence wants to make friends with him. For another, the nanites want to completely change his body... and in the process reveal her true self. Stuck (or perhaps blessed?) with a new form, she must find out what it means to live, to be loved for who she is rather than her work. Catnip is a cozy space exploration novel about a trans woman's journey to find herself and what it means to be loved for who she is, with the help of her polycule and a lesbian AI. If Sci-fi isn't quite your speed, you can also check out

The Hatchling Amazon | Itch.io | Alternative Ebook Sellers

Sarric dreamed of dragons all his life; such flights of fancy captured his imagination at a young age and sustained him through the cruelty of the hunters that ruled the isolated mountain town of Rivermist. One day, a real dragon appears before him, dazzling him with her beauty and an answer to the unease that's afflicted him for as long as he remembers. He's eager to take what she offers--but the greedy hunters, driven by tales of treasure hoards, will do everything in their power to destroy her. The Hatchling is a fantasy about a trans woman's journey of accepting her identity and her new found family.

If you want something a little spicier, consider reading Wyrmheart Itch.io exclusive

A mage without home or family seeks to establish a legacy for herself so that her name might ring out through the ages.

An assassin is charged with striking at the heart of a draconic cult that surely hides some greater evil.

Wyrmheart is a story set in Maria Ying's Those Who Break Chains universe and tells the story of trans women making their way through life in this fantastical world.

You can also take a look at my Patreon where I am currently writing several things, but primarily

Forged in the Light of New Stars

Forged is a t4t lesbian isekai story about a closeted trans woman and a repressed, rotten egg (in the trans sense) who find themselves transported to a vibrant, magical world filled with advanced technology, mysteries to discover, and most importantly: a place where they can their truest selves. Follow Gwen as she strives to take control of her life, to be the woman she's always known she could be, and find true happiness.

Follow Brian as he struggles to cast off the chains that his family has bound him in, to undo the bigoted messages they poured into him constantly, and find out, deep down, who she truly is.

Watch them fall in love with each other and with the mystical world of Tellara and all the new friends they make along the way. See them uncover secrets about the connection between Earth and Tellara and their purpose as travelers between worlds. Magic, alchemy, and queerness collide in this otherworldly journey.

[savthemusic]

i need to put this somewhere that someone might see is someday so a part of my story can be told.

a couple days ago, i was on the verge of taking my life.

i had the pills in my hand and nearly downed the rest of the bottle before calling it a night. i didnt tell anyone. i didnt have anyone to tell. didnt write a note or anything cuz i figured nobody would care about what i had to say, they never cared before. all my life ive lived in an abusive household, always looking over my shoulder wondering if id suddenly set my stepdad off, never knowing what would make him tick. threats on my life had been made many times for small things, i never knowing if getting a glass of water would be the last thing i do. ive also been struggling internally with my gender and my identity, who i wanna be, what i wanna do. ive made attempts to take my life before, none of them successful, but i didnt expect to make it past 20. i always told myself if i wasnt out by 20 id just get it over with. im about to be 21 soon and i didnt plan to even be here, i have no direction, i dont know who i want to be. ever since i was a child i've always had flickers in my mind of wanting to be a girl, wishing i was born a girl, maybe id fit in. all of my friends have always been girls and id get teased for it by the adults in my life. calling me a "ladies man" and stuff like that, i hated it. not only did i hate that i didnt fit in with them enough to just be friends, i hated being considered a man. i didnt find out what "transgender" was until middle school and soon the pieces all clicked together but i had to hide it. from friends, from family and eventually from myself. my stepdad has told me many times that if he were to find out i was gay or anything that he'd kill me on the spot. just the thought of what he'd do if i told him i was a girl made me feel sick, so i hid. all of this has built up until the other day i decided id rather no longer live than continue to live like this.

i remembered seeing online people talking about a movie that every trans person must see. I Saw the TV Glow. i decided to watch it, it'll be the last thing i do. cross off one last thing on my forever-incomplete bucket list.

the movie saved me. if it werent for this movie i wouldnt be here today typing this. i related with the MC in every way and it hurt to see her live the life i wanted to avoid. i cried. i cried for the rest of that night, i apologized to people in my life and let them know i appreciate them and i vowed that i wouldnt let myself fall down the path of hiding from my true self until its too late. "there is still time". that quote has been playing in my mind ever since that night. ive had regrets of not ending it that night, knowing that if i did i wouldnt be feeling this way anymore, but the quote is true. just a few more years and i'll be out of this house, out of this state that wants me dead, i'll be free.

my mind is drifting, starting to overthink, i'll cut the story here, but i just wanted it to be known that anyone that comes across this that even tho things are hard now you just need to keep holding out, patience will pay off in time. even if things change and i end up grabbing that bottle of pills again or if my stepdad does it instead i'll know that at least my story is out there.

there is still time.

[shinjiikar1]

I took notes while watching this week, I wanted to make sure I didn't forget the things I was thinking about. There's literally so much I want to cover, but I'm trying to really focus in on specific subjects. Once again I have not read the book yet (although I did manage to snag it from my library!) so opinions will be specific to the show and what has occurred in eps 1-4.

On homophobia, remaining closeted, and character foils.

I've been out in various capacities since I was 15 or so. As a trans person, you end up coming out a lot, as with every other queer identity, it never really stops. Often I choose not to, and I'm very lucky to (usually) have that choice.

Young Soo does not read as visibly gay. This is clear very early on, as both Go Young and the T-aras struggle to clock him, and as his senior in the park refutes that it would even be a possibility. He performs his masculinity in a careful yet seemingly casual way, his baggy uncareful clothes, his interest in sports, his choices of food. Whether its true preference, a product of his upbringing, or done out of fear, all of these choices serve as a shield to protect him from being "found-out".

As has been previously discussed by myself and others within the book club, Go Young doesn't quite have that choice. Young Soo even says he instantly clocked him. He does not, or cannot, perform the "right" kind of masculinity, and he often chooses not to. I think the difference between their characters is particularly emphasized in the cafeteria scene from episode one. Go Young gives up on having straight male friends because he cannot tolerate their values, meanwhile Young Soo defends his senior in the park for being openly homophobic.

Whether or not to come out is a personal choice and one that I will defend in most every situation. Young Soo's issue is not the fact that he isn't out, it's his internalized homophobia and how he externalizes it, and subsequently how that affects the people around him. He's not willing to stand up for other gay people for fear of being discovered, he's uncomfortable around other gay people because he can't stand to see them being so open about the thing that causes him so much pain. Young Soo chooses to participate in homophobia. Whether its because he's trying to protect himself, or he thinks he deserves it, regardless the hurt he causes to those around him and the larger community is to me, his most major flaw. He behaves cruelly to Go Young, he treated him like an experiment or a dirty secret, and when he decided to end things he did it in one of the most hurtful ways possible.

Young Soo and Go Young have both had difficult lives and experienced significant homophobia, and they deal with that trauma in very different ways. Young Soo seems to externalize, one of the first conversations he has with Go Young is about his mother's alcoholism, when they fight he brings up his difficult past to shield himself from criticism. He redirects his internalized homophobia on those around him instead of accepting himself. He's aware of his own struggles, but he refuses to actually process them and move on, he returns to them again and again, refusing to even consider escaping his own misery. It's a known quantity, something he's already had to live with for this long, so why not keep things the way they are? Even after the breakup, he can't properly apologize or make amends, he remains above it all, and tries to push his own views back on Go Young (who thankfully rejects him completely).

Go Young on the other hand, internalizes. He does tell his friends about his mom's cancer, but not particularly seriously. He doesn't tell anyone about the conversion therapy (that scene did make me cry), or how deeply Young Soo has hurt him. When Young Soo weaponizes his trauma Go Young could easily respond in kind but he doesn't. He tries to ignore things, to distract himself, but in the end, he ends up internalizing his pain so severely that it ends in the hospital.

Both of these approaches end very poorly.

However, Go Young is proud of who he is, no matter how much his sexuality has caused him pain and suffering, it's an integral part of him. He writes openly about his identity, while Young Soo's work denies himself. He engages with his community, while Young Soo distances himself from it as much as possible. He knows he'll never be accepted, so he doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks. Young Soo craves that acceptance, and he builds his life around remaining a part of his in-group, while never allowing anyone in it to truly know him.

I don't really have a good resolution to this one except to say that this section makes me sadder the more I think about it and as I said before I am Stressed about what is to come. But in the end I'm proud of Go Young for remaining as himself and not conforming to fit in with what the world expects of him, even when it causes him pain. There is still joy love and acceptance in this world.

[thatfilthyanimal]

tw: stalking, grooming, pedophilia, sexual abuse, past suicidal thoughts

I've recently been made aware that Dupsy is still talking about me and is now going to random Megamind fans that don't know me and telling them to avoid me. I'm also aware that they're doing this in the Ruby Gillman fandom. I have no words to really describe the level of discomfort this brings me, but I will attempt.

First of all, all the "grooming" allegations were thoroughly debunked and proven to be bullshit. I can't believe I have to even say this. I'm a victim of grooming and sexual abuse myself. It's extremely traumatic and life-altering shit, and never something I would want to inflict on someone else. I feel like it should be obvious, with the measures I took in the server to ensure no child is exposed to such things. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD due to the shit that happened to me when I was growing up, and between processing that in therapy sessions and stomaching transitioning in a near-constant hostile-to-trans-people online social media hellscape, I am tired.

I love Megamind, more than anything, and this is known and obvious to anyone who's met me. This movie saved my life when I was extremely suicidal and planning to end my life back in 2010. Watching the movie when I did gave me something to focus on, a distraction, and a responsibility as a fandom member that helped distract me long enough to get out of the planning mindset I was in. Had I not seen the movie, I do not think I would have stuck around. I will leave it at that.

And moderating fandom spaces for Megamind has been lovely! I adore this fandom. The people in it are extremely talented and sweet, and just so damn nice, like by default. I say this all the time but I've never experienced another fandom space quite like it. There are usually bad eggs in fandoms, and perhaps -I- am said "bad egg" to some, but genuinely this one is special. I have always felt that way, even when the bad eggs show up and make a stink. It has always felt worth being here for, to me.

And while I hate to give Dupsy the satisfaction of knowing they hurt me, I need to be honest-- it's been rough. I stopped talking in my server, I locked up on most of my friends and stopped talking even in DMs. I still struggle with severe anxiety in the server and have talked to Dal on various occasions about transferring the server ownership to him. He's been very patient with my freakouts and super understanding, but it's still hard. This WAS a place I felt safe, for over ten years! And now it feels like any minor can just say I'm a groomer or a pedo or whatever with ZERO consequences, just because they're mad, just because these are words that make people go "oh shit" and listen, and man! It's not ok! And this coupled with the fact that trans people are often called groomers just for existing, just… man! I'm tired. I'm so tired.

There are real, severe, damaging effects to these claims being thrown around so casually. It's hurtful to me, as a victim of sexual abuse, because when I came forward to people about what happened when -I- was a minor, I was told I "wanted it" and "asked for it". It was made to be my fault that I was abused, and I internalized it for years. It nearly killed me. I cannot stress enough how important it is to not use claims like pedophilia and grooming so lightly-- these are VERY damning terms to use on people and should be reserved for people ACTUALLY HARMING OTHERS. Being mad I banned you from the server is not "abuse" and using my Customer Service Voice to be nice to you and then being obviously tired of you when you were banned is not "emotional grooming". What the actual fuck. ALSO. This was well over a year ago! Why am I still having to post about this? Why are you still TALKING about me? And yet again I ask, where the HELL are your parents?

Anyway, if you've been wondering why I've been so quiet these days and struggling to socialize… honestly? It's this. I hate that this is what did it. I know people trust and believe me, I know the fandom backs me up regularly and I appreciate them all so much for it. I see it, but I never know how to respond. You guys continue to make this fandom feel safe for me even when my entire brain is screaming to run, and I appreciate you so much for it.

Kids deserve to be trusted when they tell people they've been hurt and I hate that the recent proshipping discourse or whatever you want to call it, this culty all-or-nothing shit, has a bunch of minors growing up feeling like EVERYTHING is something to call rapey or predatory, with apparently little room to distinguish when REAL abuse is happening to them. I don't blame anyone for believing Dupsy, and it's honestly better they DO believe all unproven claims of abuse by default, just to stay safe-- but man, it has consequences that follow people, and really should not be a thing to just throw around because you're mad at someone. I just can't believe they're STILL going around and reaching out to strangers telling them to avoid me… like, what the fuck.

I will be ok, I always am eventually, but I needed to say something, because it's honestly been a while since I've said much of anything.

Keep being kind. <3

[steel-type-connie]

Doubt whether you’re “really trans” is a quintessential trans experience.

Hi everyone. I’m Constance, 30F. As of last fall, that’s what it says on my driver’s license. A couple months prior to that, I introduced myself as such— as a transgender woman— at work and to my friends. These days, everyone in my life knows I’m trans. I’ve started attending trans support group meetings. I’ve been on hormones for over 3 months, and I’ve been thrilled to watch my body develop. Transitioning has been the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself, and I finally feel like a real human being, increasingly comfortable in my own skin and connected to my body and the world.

And yet I *still* sometimes worry that I’m not “really trans.”

I guess I wanted to share this post to encourage those of you who may be struggling with your own identities and feelings of validity. Pretty much every single trans person in the world has felt like a fraud or an impostor at times, to a point where I think it’s pretty much a time-honored tradition among people like us. Although I know it’s hard to internalize, especially if you’ve got the kind of brain that’s always trying to convince you you’re wrong about everything, try to remember that it’s ok to feel that way, and it doesn’t make you any less real or valid as a trans person. 💜

[bigbroadvice]

Hey, uh...

Hi....!

I... Wanted to talk to you about something because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about it (this is going to be a very long rant, ignore this if you like)

I... think I'm trans. Specifically transmasc. Or nonbinary. Or agender. I don't know what the heck I am XD. But... I'm Christian (specifically LDS). It goes against everything I believe. Or at least what I think I believe. I've done research. There seems to be a lot of discourse, but the majority seem to say it's okay, although I wouldn't be able to do certain things that I love if I started socially or medically transitioning. (You can ignore this part if you want, especially if you aren't comfortable with giving religious advice)

I have supportive friends and most likely family. I know at least some of my friends would accept me because a few of them are also trans or visibly supportive of it. I know at least one certain group of friends would support and encourage me if I decided to come out. And my parents once said something that very clearly said that they'd support me regardless of who I am (which makes me wonder now, later, if they knew before I knew.) They're just a little awkward about lgbtq+ stuff, and I know they'd get my name and pronouns wrong a lot and consistently struggle with it. But I think know they'd still support and love me.

On the other hand, there are quite a lot of reasons not to come out. I'm still really young. I'm only thirteen. I've heard a lot about how young trans people might face criticism, specifically things like "you might regret it later!" Or "you're too young to know this!". And the thing is: they're right. I'm still not sure exactly who I am. At first I thought I was agender, because I felt like I didn't really care about gender or what pronouns people used for me. But then I started to think I was nonbinary. And I thought about what it'd be like to be referred to as they/them, and it felt really good. And all the while, in the back of my mind, a quiet voice said "you could be a boy?"

Quick Sidetrack: I only found out I was gay because... I watched a whole bunch of lgbtq tiktok comps (I know, kinda stupid but hear me out). I watched so many that I began to question if I was still an outsider to that group of people. Eventually, after a lot of internal screaming, I realized that I was pan and ace, and came out. My parents didn't find out the way I wanted them to, having read through my texts, but after a very uncomfortable Talk it ended up pretty okay. But I only realized because I watched so many tiktoks. And I still wonder to this day if I was only faking it until I made it. I never had gay thoughts or feelings until I learned it existed, and I still wonder to this day if I still would've ever realized if I hadn't learned about it. The same thing happened with my depression: I only realized it and started having symptoms after I learned it existed. When I was younger, I'd had multiple times where I'd lied about something bad happening to me because I wanted attention. So I worry that might've been the case, and I pretended I had depression until I actually had it because I wanted people to make it known that they care. And I wonder if that's what happened with being gay: I worry I faked it until I made it real because I just instinctively wanted to be part of a community. Later I realized I didn't know anything about my orientation and started identifying as queer. But the same thing could apply to being trans: I might have just faked it until I made(??) It, because I want to be unique and part of a community.

So anyway: I'm questioning being trans for a number of reasons. I don't want to transition medically, because that just doesn't feel like a need for me (at least right now. I am still only a kid after all.) It's more socially transitioning that I want. But if I don't want to medically transition, doesn't that mean I can't be a boy? Doesn't that mean I kinda have to be either nonbinary or agender? I guess that's most of the reason I'm questioning which one I am.

I can't be a boy. I CAN'T be a BOY.

But.... one day I started playing around with my hair. Even before I'd started questioning Things, I've had an idea of what my hair could look like that I really really want and think would make me happy but I'm too scared to ask my parents to do it. And so I was playing around with it.... And decided to try parting it on the side. The way those stereotypically emo people (not saying that's bad just based on society's views and the media) have one side of their hair basically shaved and the other long. Just to see what I would look like.

But... I looked in the mirror, and at how my hair looked short, and looking the way I'd always wanted to look, and just how MUCH it changed how I saw both my physical features and my personality... It felt... right. A thought came before I could shut it down and said "that's me. There I am. I... I actually like that person!"

But.. I'm scared of how people other than that one group of friends will react. Especially this one group of people that are my favorite people ever, that make me feel like myself and I look up to them a lot (and they're all older). What if they, and/or my parents, listen to me come out, and then say "oh. Oh no, [name]. Please no. I don't want this for you, that isn't you".

I'm scared. I'm scared that they'll say something other than what they'll probably say.

Every day, I pull my hair back and part it on the side, and see a real, ME smile break out over my face. And then I pull it back to normal, and yell at my reflection that I'm not a boy I'm a girl I'm a girl I'M A GIRL I'M A GIRL because maybe if I lie to myself say that enough I'll be able to make it true.

And another thing: everywhere isn't... Ideal, to put it mildly, for trans people. But I live in the U.S, and there's currently a lot of political discourse about whether or not they....we deserve rights. I'm worried that if Trump gets elected, or laws get passed, that I'll bring harm not only on myself but on the people I love.

But... the daydream of saying "I go by he/him (he/they????)", and wearing boy's clothes, and looking the way I always wanted to, especially with my hair, and getting top surgery (maybe) when I'm older and being able to feel my chest, and going by the name Ace (get it cuz cuz I'm asexual? Ace? I didn't realize that until after I chose it lol and I find it funny) and just... feeling free to really, truly be me... I really, really want that. So much that it hurts.

But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll make that choice, and then realize it was the wrong one. I'm scared that I'm too young to know.

I want to come out. But... it might be better to wait until I'm at least sixteen, and things would hopefully calm down a little bit politically at least, and I'm better mentally equipped to make that kind of decision. It also might give my parents time to get more comfortable with lgbtq+ stuff.

But 3 years is a long time to wait.

I guess the question is: do you have a good way to stay in the closet? To resist the urge to tell people and be patient?

Aaaaaanyway, thank you for reading my very very long rant and hope you're having a great day/night!

Hey friend, lean in close,… no, closer

There is no such thing as fake queer people

If living a certain way makes you happy, then live that way! If a certain word helps you describe that lifestyle and/or the way you feel, use it! And that doesn’t have to be the same word forever. You’re allowed to try on labels and identities and lifestyles to see which ones fit best. Its ok to try something on for a while and then decide it’s not for you and you’d like to try something else. That’s how you figure out who you are!

That’s why the whole “but they’re too young to know” thing is so silly. This is when you’re supposed to be figuring stuff out! Kids try on all sorts of different things: hobbies and interrests, friendgroups, styles, personalities, worldviews. That’s a good thing! It’s called exploring! That’s how you figure out who you want to be when you grow up. If you figured out you liked science, did some googling into different science careers, and decided you wanted to become a neurosurgeon, most people would be overjoyed and do whatever they could to support you in that pursuit, even if later down the line you found something else in the science field you were more interrested in, or maybe something outside of science entirely!

It’s the same thing for gender and sexuality. Try on different kinds of clothes to see what you like wearing. Try on different sets of pronouns to see what you like hearing. Try on labels to see which ones you vibe with. Try out new hairstyles. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back. Try on names to see which one feels like you.

And its ok to be open about the fact that you’re trying things out and might not be sure about everything yet! You can just tell people, “I think I might be transmasc (or nonbinary, or agender). I’m going by Ace and He/Him (or He/They) pronouns for now.” And yeah, some people are probably gonna be assholes about it, but those people are gonna be assholes no matter what you tell them. Let their words slide off you like water off a duck. People who care about you and want to support you will go through that journey with you.

As far as the ‘not knowing you’re gay till you’ve seen a bunch of gay stuff’ goes, that’s also completely normal. I’m pretty confident most neurosergeons didn’t know they wanted to be neurosergeons until they heard about other neurosergeons. Some people ‘always knew’ something was different about them even before they had the words for it, and some people only started seeing that thing in themselves after they’d seen it in others. Both of those are awesome and neither is any less true! That’s the fun part of learning about the human experience. You get to understand other people better, but also, you frequently stumble upon things that give you a deeper understanding of yourself.

All that being said, it’s a good idea to test the waters when it comes to parents. Coming out does not need to be an all or nothing kind of deal. You can tell the people you know with complete confidence will support you first and ask them to keep it to themselves for now. (This is a good way to test out names and pronouns by the way. A smaller group means less hassle of having to let people know you’d like to try something else) Once you feel ready (and perhaps have made some plans with your friends for some emotional support if things don’t go as well as they could have) you can bring up the topic with your parents. If you’re not sure how they’d react to you coming out directly, it might be a good idea to talk about a trans friend of yours and see what they have to say on the topic. If that goes well, pitch a hypothetical “what would happen if I came out to you.” If their response makes you nervous, you can always backpeddle and say you were just curious what their views on the subject were. If things go well, then go for it!

Anyways, as someone whose ditched a religion I no longer believed in and gone through multiple names, labels, and pronouns to find what makes me happy today, I wish you the best of luck my friend. It’s an adventure. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. You’ve got to be willing to fail if you ever want to succeed at anything.

[red-hibiscus]

BL characters I relate to most as a mentally ill gay trans man

Daisy from SCOY

Surprising no one, I, a trans person, relate to Daisy. They're outgoing and seemingly don't care about how people view them. They know they're visibly queer and they normally don't mind it (from what I see). But at the end of the day, society does affect them. They're hesitant to believe Touch genuinely cares and is attracted to them despite Touch being an absolute green flag who is very direct with his flirting. Even after, Daisy was worried about people would view their relationship with Touch and tried to become Day, a more masculine version of themself. Impossible of course and they broke down emotionally exhausted. I feel that so much because I also don't believe it when people, especially cis gay men, are attracted to me. I've caught myself trying to change my behavior to be more masculine (as I'm a bit on the nonbinary side of things). It's bad, but I know how Daisy feels.

Wang from 180 Degree Longtitude Passes Through Us

As a 26 year old trans gay immigrant in a country that doesn't want me, I have a shit ton of pent up anger that has been building up since I was a child. I've calmed down over the years, but I can still be stubborn and argumentative when it comes to politics and human rights. I'm also a linguistics major, thus an academic.

Wang is so much like myself and like a lot of people around me. Like me and Wang would be close friends irl I know it. We're young and stubborn. We're angry at the older conservative people around us, too much sometimes. So he lashes out. Many of his points are correct, but they're not hitting. Partially because the people he's talking to don't want to change, partially because he himself is stubborn. People like us yearn to be free, to be ourselves and to learn. Wang has a passion for the humanities like myself. Yet he knows society really only cares about STEM fields. I've compromised and am getting a master's in computational linguistics. Even though really I just wanna learn as much as I can about sociolinguistics.

Karl from Gaya Sa Pelikula

I haven't watched GSP in a hot minute, but I do remember feeling very seen.

So in the show Karl has his gay awakening, tries to internally and externally deny it, and eventually let himself be free to feel everything and be himself (at least in private).

Now I didn't have a gay awakening, but I guess you could say a trans awakening. In middle school I felt different, I suspected maybe some flavor of LGBT, but wasn't sure and I was too afraid to think about it too hard. Come high school I secretly wanted to join the LGBT club, but was afraid. Then I was essentially adopted into the LGBT club and dragged into the friend group during lunch because I was a loner like everyone else. At the time still "identified" as a cishet woman. As time went on people started to suspect. "Why are you in the club?", "why did you cut your hair", "why do you dress like that?", "your voice is low for a girl haha", etc. Much like Karl, I was not ready for any of that. I was still struggling to make sense of it all and come to terms with it myself. So I kept rejecting it and every time it hurt.

I kept rejecting it until I couldn't. Until someone I resonated with so much came out as trans and it clicked. My trans awakening was complete. I became able to be more myself, but only in private safe spaces. I wouldn't come out and live as a man until after high school and it was terrifying.

Adachi from Cherry Magic

I've only watched the jpn ver, but I'm sure that character remains the same.

I'm anxious and used to be quite shy. Now I'm just awkward. I'm really bad at seeing the good in myself cause I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in life. Not that impressive. So when people compliment me I think "haha they're just being nice" (refer back to me never believing people are actually attracted to me).

Adachi is the exact same. He has the same routine every day. Just going through the motions and not really thinking anything of himself. But then Kurosawa comes along and the ability to read minds. Adachi then realizes "wait, someone I respect so much actually loves me? And thinks I have a lot of good qualities? Makes me wanna cry." And me too Adachi. I'd be the same.

Jared from 7 Days Before Valentine

Jared, my precious baby, is described throughout the show as kind, but weird and different. We later learn that he has dyslexia, and honestly he seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even if he isn't, he has a behavioral difference people pick up on and then shun him for it.

I too was seen as kinda weird growing up. Maybe it was the autism, maybe it was the social anxiety. Probably both. And then of course there was the gnawing feeling that I was different than everyone else and it turns out it's because I'm trans.

So when Jared said that people didn't talk to him because he wasn't like other people it hit me so hard.

Myungha from Love For Love's Sake

The whole show is sad yet cathartic for me. Myungha is depressed yet spends his time comforting others. He has a hard time loving and receiving love. If you give him a fictional character who is very similar to him he will love them and see all the good, but he doesn't see it in himself. Relatable as hell.

I have an incredibly hard time being honest with my emotions and letting people love me and express attraction. Mostly in a romantic/sexual context. Dpdr is cockblocking me. So dating is hell, but I'm lonely and yearn to not be.

Probably if you put me in a situation like Myungha I'd also go "yep, that right there is my blorbo" and then not realize that all the things I like about the person and make me care about them are things I have.

Honorable mentions:

Both Akk and Ayan from The Eclipse

Nozue from Old Fashion Cupcake

Oh-Aew from I Told Sunset About You

Cher from A Boss and a Babe (I headcannon him as autistic)

Amber from DNA Says Love You

Uea from Bed Friend

Mitsuomi from Restart After Come Back Home

Jao from SCOY

Maybe I'll make another post for those later

[uh-velkommen]

Coming out as Trans, I feel like I've unlocked a new minigame section of life, like I now have access to a world I only ever watched from the sidelines. It's funny how I used to wish I could be part of this community. I always related to the stories I'd hear. So often would I stare at my body in the mirror wishing I could've been born differently. I always felt like there was a part of me missing or that something was wrong. All the stereotypical Trans thoughts were there. I just kept telling myself I only hated the patriarchal norms that were being forced upon me. I only hated my body because of how sexualized it always was. I always wanted to hang out with my brothers friends because they were the only people my age who would come over often. But the past few days, I've been thinking about all the silly things I'd think and do that should've been clearer indications as to who I was/am. (I'm probably gonna continue updating this as I think of more stuff)

I used to try on my brothers clothes, put my hair up in caps and try to look like a boy in pictures.

I tried training myself to speak in a deeper and calmer voice because I hated how high and girly my voice sounded. (I loved having a sore throat because it made my voice deeper while being sick actually made it higher)

I overcompensated when it came to dressing and being girly as a way to bond with my mother despite having no real interest in make up and pedicures. (There's a lot of things that I'd do or want that initially made me think I was cis but we're really just ways that I'd beg to be treated decently or show that I was loved)

I never felt like I was a Lesbian but had no other way to explain my attraction to girls.

I struggled a lot between wondering if I was just a tomboy or butch but found myself relating to Gay men more than butch women.

I literally never ever ever took off my bras because I felt super uncomfortable with the girls moving around.

A lot of the time I worried about upsetting my dad because he was so happy to have finally made a daughter after 4 sons.

My uncle used to have a friend who I could never figure out if she was a boy or a girl (I still don't know to this day) and yet I could never get her out of my head/admired her for being so confounding.

I would get reeeeeaaaaally jealous of Trans women for being beautiful women with boy parts. Sometimes I couldn't fathom why they would give up being a boy as if it were a slice of cake they were refusing "while kids in Africa starved."

I often struggled with questioning if I was dysphoric because of my AGAB or if it was insecurity from my brother calling me fat and ugly all my life.

I was always too scared to come out as lesbian because I knew it felt wrong and on top of that, it wasn't my sexuality that was the big secret I had been keeping. It was something much worse.... my gender.

When I was about 14, Disney released a TV show where the main character was a girl named Dylan and I felt a cosmic shift in learning that women could also have boy names.

I always wanted to do rugged things with my brother. I practically lived vicariously through him, letting him teach me about fighting, parkour, video games, "boyish music" like dubstep. Everything that I didn't have access to. Nowadays I think about how I really just wanted to be him.

I even tried hanging out with my male cousins and family friends more than the women because it felt like this other world that I desperately wanted to understand.

I used to HAAAATE when my uncle would joke around by calling me "little boy" because it felt like he was making fun of my internal struggles.

Sometimes when I wore my hair a certain way I would angrily compare myself to a "little Mexican boy" because why couldn't I look like a pretty Hispanic woman?

The torturous anxiety I'd feel about wearing makeup in public (I literally had a panic attack at prom because my hair stylist put eyeliner on me).

I loved hanging out with the neighborhood Gay kid even though he was like 4 years younger than me because he would let me ride his skateboard. (We found solace in each other bc he got bullied alot and we were both queer - whether I knew it or not)

All my life I've just wanted male friends but I could never obtain a friendship without being sexualized or viewed as an ultimate romantic interest. At the same time I only knew how to interact with boys in a flirtatious manner though it was never intentional.

Shopping for clothes was a whole can of worms in itself but I used to feel sooo uncomfortable going down the aisles of the women's section. All I wanted was to see what the boys section had to offer but I also thought it was entirely off limits to women. Sometimes I pretended I was shopping for my brother or I'd encourage him to let me style him so I could have an excuse to buy the clothes I liked/wanted.

Sometimes I'd want to date boys but only in the way that boys would date boys.

When I found out about intersexuality I got super obsessed with it, wishing that I could've been born with both male and female parts. Sometimes I'd think that maybe I had a hormonal problem where I was just producing too much testosterone and that could explain why I felt like a boy.

The visceral reactions to ANY comments about being a good housewife, a clean girl, a future wife, not being able to do a man's job or otherwise putting men first simply because I was born a girl.

God the constant comments about my butt, my mom used to hate that I'd let my pants sag.

The way I'd get SUPER emotionally affected from reading about the AIDs crisis (along with Stonewall) and the way Trans people were treated. I mean before I was even learning about Lesbianism, I was getting enraged about the way it was handled. I'd cry more reading newspaper articles than at actual funerals. I was completely obsessed with learning more and more stories from real trans people.

Overall, I think I tended to carry myself and walk in a more masculine manner. I feel like I was never this dainty feminine being until adulthood when I'd started becoming reclusive and turning further in on myself.

[mysterycharacterflowers]

Round 1; Dandelions 1 Vs A bouquet of willows and chives

If you know who they are, or are pretty sure of it, please don't tell until this poll has ended!

First, let's talk about the Dandelions 1

Why this flower was chosen: Dandelions, bc they 1) are not native to where this character creator is from. This character grew up in a kingdom that wasn't too fond of half-elves, and never quite belonged with the rest bc of that. 2) Survive and thrive in extreme + hostile environments- again, she grew up with a lot of things stacked against her, but manages to stay happy and optimistic despite it all. 3) are really cute, and she is also really cute. 4) she's dandelion coded. Description: in another world, where she'd been born in a happier place, she would've been a scholar, studying ancient religions and magic. if she'd been born in a modern world, she'd be a gamer. unfortunately, neither of these are true, and instead she's a half-elf wizard who grew up in a very oppressive kingdom that hates pretty much everyone who isn't a high elf or a drow. she's bought fully into her country's propaganda, and struggles to be seen as "good enough." because she grew up an outsider due to being a half-elf, she didn't really have any friends, (especially since the wizard training school she went to was like. i cant even think of a fictional example bad enough. it had a fucking mortality rate, schools shouldnt really have those), other than her sentient spellbook (whose sentience she had to keep a secret from everyone for fear he'd be taken away and she'd be alone). she's an unpaid intern for one of the ruling council of the kingdom. she was sent on her current mission with the expectation that she wouldn't be coming back. she's sweet and helpful but doesn't really trust anybody except her spellbook. i love her

Check their post here

Now, let's talk about the bouquet of willows and chives:

Meaning: Willows for Sadness (because hes an emo lil man) and Chives for usefulness (*) Description: – (*)This bouquet is OBSESSED with being useful to others – Hes the trans aroace ghost of an overworked programmer 80s dudebro. – Hes also in a queerplatonic Poly relationship with ANOTHER 80s dudebro, a shadow guy who looks like Krobus and an evil ass robot whos only screen face is ':D' – Also hes also trying to get all these shapeshifting masks so that he can ascend into godhood and... idk form a cybercult maybe. – Hes PERSONAL enemies with the Council (and it was good) – His gender is 'whatever's funnyest' – He watches Soap Carving Videos to fall asleep to.

Check their post here

[otdderamin]

Review: Romeos (2011)

Just watched Romeos (2011). Great film! It's a German film about a gay trans man named Lukas navigating transition, school dorms, starting to pass, old friendships, and new love interests amid Cologne's gay scene.

Lukas really goes through it. his best friend is having a hard time fully accepting him even though she also sticks by & supports him. He's placed in the girl's dorms & is fighting a transphobic administration to get transferred. The invasive curiosity is as bad as the rejection.

He meets a hot gay bad boy, but there are conflicts first around his fear of intimacy and having to out himself, and then his gender identity. his dad is supportive it seems. his mom and little sister aren't. And he's fighting his body in the hopes of feeling himself in it.

But amid his struggles, there's also hope in the people who do fight for him and the ones who come around. Progress is slow and messy, but it marches towards trans joy. The end is sweet and wraps up the story, but also leaves ambiguity for a new story beyond. A new 1st act.

As a gay trans man, I saw so much of my own internal conflicts in this movie. That sense of seeing my body slowly develop towards what I want and the small joys in that. And that struggle in the people who love and support you, but are also caught up on memories of former you.

I like how it captured a lot of struggles in being trans in a kind of tragic way, especially in a transphobic and homophobic society, but it's also like normal struggles and very little truly awful happens to him, which is nice for a queer film.

The transmasc urge to be an average dirtbag guy. XD

[lighthousegod]

Hello and welcome to my rant from my time on Stranger Things Steddie and Friends Twitter for the past few months.

K I'm really pissed but its fine I wrote this all before the poll thing. Now I just. Can't get rid of it. (Me at tumblr headquarters right fucking now)

Anyway. Sorry for the interruption.

The fact that I've seen several ST fans claim most people who like steddie are fetishizing them is already shitty, but what makes it even more shitty is that they focus on them being two white cis guys fetishized by "white girls".

To reference the two white cis guys first, yeah, you got me there. That really is all those two are in the show. And if you wanna talk representation, well shit! Let's do it! Out of the main cast, we have 3 people of color: Lucas, Erica, and Argyle. Lucas is much too young to be in a relationship with either of them and already has one of his own, and Erica is ten years old. Now, I love Argyle, but he was written to be a comic relief character that had no arc and never met either of them. I think that's a wasted opportunity, Eduardo is great and would've done well as a fully fleshed out character, and there is a conversation to be had about whether that character would've been received the same way Eddie was being a white guy. But the thing is, he was never even CAST as a character who could be compared with Eddie- again, his whole character was "funny stoner." THAT is fucked, and people have definitely decided to ignore that fanon. In fact, Jargyle has become a pretty well known ship! Weirdly enough, the content I've seen of them has majorly been from people who also ship steddie! It isn't as popular as Steddie, though, and I don't think that's ONLY bc of half of the ship has less lore than eddie. There definitely is at least some internal bias us white queer folks should take into account when considering what ships we focus on in media.

However, I don't think that's why it's being brought up. I don't think I read tweets from lesbians with she/her in their bios condemning all us steddie ppl who just ship it because "they're two white guys we can fetishize for being in an mlm relationship" bc they're trying to be good allies. That COMPLETELY disregards that transmasc and nonbinary people (ESPECIALLY transmasc people of color) make a BIG chunk of the steddie fandom. Crazy, it's almost like Eddie was written to represent an outcast and literally GOT TARGETED BY CHRISTIANS and a bunch of people in marginalized communities related to his struggles! Except oh, yeah, that'd exactly what happened. And yeah, okay, he's a white guy and it IS pretty shitty that they cast a white dude to represent outcasts in general, but the people talking shit are watching the SAME DAMN SHOW that has a huge fucking cast and still has minimal representation. Fuck, man, Caleb McLaughlin has faced SO MUCH hate from assholes "fans" as the only black main character. Why the hell are people using that very real issue to back their shitty arguments against a gay ship on twitter?

Again, I wanna preface that 90% of these kinds of comments come from lesbians and bisexual people with she/her or she/they in the bio. I thought yall were COOL with the gay and trans people. Yall ARE queer people. Some of them were even big Ronance or Rovickie fans! YALL. WHY IS FRIENDLY FIRE ON??

A lot of this argument is backed by claims that steddie fans ignore canon queer rep, too, and I just don't understand that.

I know. Robin is representation. I am SO HAPPY to have her, and I'm so happy that Maya pushed for it, and as a transmasc person who was not out at the time and likes girls, I felt very seen when watching her coming out scene with Steve. However, I know I don't fully understand the lesbian experience as someone who likes guys too. I know Robin means a lot to wlw fans, especially lesbians. There have been instances where steddies have co-opted that scene to make it about steddie, and that is not okay. (I've never SEEN this happen, but I've seen people talk about it. All the steddie guys on Twitter that I follow were making it pretty clear that that was not cool and pretty fuckin lesbiphobic. I agree, whoever did that, fuck them. Wlw and specifically lesbian wlw relationships have very little rep and Netflix canceled all their shows and it's super fucked.) But besides this, I actually see a LOT of steddie fans who very much love Robin's character. Most of the steddie artists and fic writers I know are also ronance, rovickie, and/or Buckingham creators. A lot of them are wlw themselves!

//I should also note that Will is canonically gay now and I'm super excited, but truly, I just don't see as much appeal in byler because they're so much younger than me now. I totally love Will as a character, and I was around the kids' ages when the first season came out, but I'm in college now. I relate a lot more to the older kids! I'm real happy to have will as mlm rep and I hope he gets his moment in s5. I just didn't latch onto him and Mike the way I did Steve and Eddie! We all got preferences and that's fine.//

All this to say, I'm just so tired of Twitter, man. I just saw a post about how many cis women who claiming its "ableism" to say they have to be around anyone who identifies as masculine, including queer men, queer mascs, cis men of color, butch lesbians, etc. And I've seen a lot of that lately too. It's just so weird to see someone who identifies as a queer woman talk shit abt a steddie fan with a hellcheer shipper.

(man I can't even get into that rn. Chrissy and Eddie shippers in ST fandom are a whole other bout of drama. I've seen steddies be pretty nasty on the issue toward bi women who ship that bc of age difference, which I never really understood because eddie has no confirmed age?? Like idk how he can be a super senior AND 17 on his missing poster but whatever, I'm not stressing abt that as long as you dont make them have a weird age gap on purpose. Hell, I even thought they were love interests at first, too. But DAMN I've seen some hellcheer people that hate steddie. None of this justification type shit either, they just say "it doesn't make sense" and "I'm scared of steddie" and "they ruined the fandom and eddies character" like bro that's literally homophobia. like oogily boogily gay people jumpscare homophobia. So I just don't talk to those guys usually.)

Whatever abt the straight ppl tho they're never gonna get my weird gay stuff. But what SUCKS is when it's other gay people saying this stuff. Like what about mlm wlw solidarity man? Why do I gotta see a rovickie stan and a hellcheer girl talking abt how steddie shippers are all misogynistic and hate women?? Esp when so many are transmasc?? It's getting weird and TERF-y and I just. I wish we were cool again. ST is abt outcasts at the end of the day, it's why we root for them and relate to them. There aren't even a lot of queer people from the 80s around because of the kinda hatred people like us face. Not to mention racism, ableism, misogyny, all of it. For centuries. The people up top all hate us. We gotta have each other's backs and twitter is making us INSANE instead. God.

Anyway I'm gonna go watch the mandalorian now later losers.

[javasquats]

Heartstopper season one came out right as I was having the crisis that would lead to me realizing that I am aromantic. I watched it with a person I was seeing at the time. We had met on a dating app and they’re a lovely person but we were both sorta awkward and still getting to know each other. I was having a difficult time because I didn’t know what was wrong with me that things didn’t feel right and I couldn’t bring myself to do simple romantic gestures because of this feeling of, I don’t know, dissonance. It caused me a lot of anxiety, not because there was anything wrong with person I was seeing, but because I liked them and things still weren’t falling into place.

Anyway, watching heartstopper just sorta added to this internal struggle. I hadn’t read the comics, though I knew of them, and I’ve only seen the show once, so this isn’t intended to be an in depth analysis. I also know that the creator is aroace, and I don’t know how that played into their experience creating heartstopper. But speaking purely from my experience, heartstopper embodied a lot of the hurt that I experienced from amatonormativity.

The whole premise of the show felt centered on the underlying assumption that romance is the magical source of queer happiness and is the purest good, the happiest of endings. I know the story may go in different directions, and I know there is aroace rep along the way, but the Netflix season 1 felt like a culmination of everything society told me I should be feeling and prioritizing and be infatuated with. I subscribed to that idea for years as a lonely, openly trans teen. When the perfect romantic opportunities presented themselves and it still felt wrong, I felt like a bad person and a lost cause.

I still feel a little sick and depressed when I hear my friends talking about how comforting and joyful and pure the show is. I’m not here to convince everyone that the whole show and comic is bad; I have no authority to speak on that. I’m just sharing my own true experience and wondering if anyone relates.

I know there’s aroace rep in the second season but honestly I’m still wondering if it’s worth it to me to watch it, if the overall tone of the show is unchanged. It just makes me uncomfortable.

[nationmckinleyscorset]

My LGBTQIA+ HCs for shock treatment

You people seem to agree with me for rhps let's see how this goes down (yes I did watch the movie on 2x speed on YouTube to get the order correct). I genuinely think a lot of the characters are less fruity than the ones in rocky horror sooo in order of appearance (not 100% accurate):

Brad: bisexual with a female preference, I also believe that his insecurity in his masculinity would lead him to question his gender potentially eventually realising they're nonbinary using he/they pronouns. I also think they'd try to deny and hide this.

Janet: pansexual. Idk why I just see it. Once again you don't have to agree just don't argue x

Neely: I don't care who you are there is no denying that she is gay. I personally hc her as a lesbian.

Harry: very "straight" and very insecure in his masculinity to the point where he tries to overconpensate though I think his homophobia is a little internalized...

Emily: she's giving typical hetero woman who swears she isn't gay but would've been the one in the friend group to ask her friends to "practise" kissing on each other "for the boys"

The cop (I'm sorry I don't know his name): absolutely homosexual. Don't even try fight me.

Brenda: I think she's bi. I mean they're in a band for starters but she really gives off no vibes. I'm also thinking she might be questioning her gender, I can see them experimenting with they/she pronouns. I would also suggest neopronouns but I think they might be uncomfy with that given the stigma around the lgbtqia+ community in Denton.

Frankie: undeniably trans masc. He doesn't try to present outwardly that way but the insistence around the name change makes it somewhat obvious and it honestly bugs me that nobody respects him.

Ralph Hapschatt: ok he's dating a woman butttt do we think that's a cover up? I personally think that Ralph and Macy both seem so uncomfortable interacting with each other that it makes me wonder if their relationship is to hide their sexualities.

Macy: I honestly think she's gay like I said before. Possibly bi but with a strong female preference.

(Oh) Oliver (you're so tolerant!) : seems very heteronormative to me, I feel like he'd cry if you came out to him.

That one stage hand: she's the one with the blue hat and honestly I don't care if she has maybe 2 lines she's giving serious lesbian energy.

Bert: Bert is absolutely polysexual. There is no way that guy is straight but he's also not entirely gay. I feel like he'd be attracted to you no matter your gender.

(Omg please listen to bitchin in the kitchen on 2x speed I'm crying)

Ricky: aww Ricky is adorable first of all. He seems like he's experimenting and maybe questioning his sexuality. I think he and Ansalong are in an open relationship.

Cosmo: I'm getting the feeling Cosmo is genderfluid but has to suppress his feminine side for tv. Alsooo giving aromantic vibes. I feel like Cosmo would struggle with romance but enjoys sex with both men and women.

Nation: (my love 😍) this is where I struggle. I think Nation may be transgender, possibly even intersex. I like the idea that she has struggled with defining her gender in the past. I also think she's omnisexual which is why I can't decide if I ship her more with Bert or Janet...

Ansalong: Ansalong is definitely some kind of bisexual in my mind.

Farley: heterosexual to the point of being irritating. He's very typically masc and misogynistic.

Oscar And Glish aren't on the screen very long but I think both of them are some kind of lgbtqia+

How'd you like them apples