#watch me delete this out of EMBARRASSMENT

[wish-i-were-heather]

This is a long post but not a vent its the opposite of a vent ykwim like a long happy rant

I love you all so much.

Maybe I’m just all dramatic and emotional because I’m on my period, maybe because I’m writing this late at night and I’m gonna think it’s really cringe in the morning, but I love you guys so much. Tumblr has brought me so much joy. I’ve been here for maybe three or four months now? And I can’t really think of a time in my life where I was happier. 

I first made an account after scrolling aimlessly. I would go onto the tumblr website and it would let me search a bit until it was like “you need to make an account to keep going!!” And then I’d just close it and move on. But then one day I decided  hey what the heck just do it. So I made an account, and I didn’t really know what I was doing. I came up with this username because I liked conan gray, I gave myself  a daphne blake profile picture because she has red hair, and just kinda explored. 

I looked through tags of fandoms I love like the inheritance games and pjo and shatter me and even scythe (which was when i was then brought to the realization that the aoas fandom really is dead everywhere even here😔). But I just kinda explored.

Then I found all you guys, the cute aesthetic tumblrinas! And omg I thought everyone was so cool. Pretty much everyone I’m mutuals with now is someone who i found their blog and was like OMG I WANNA BE ONE OF THEM!! I loved the friendships and the connection and just seeing everyone interact made me so happy. I think one of the first people to follow me back was Belle and I remember I legit freaked out because omg!! Shes so cool!! 

Now that I’m telling the story it’s a little embarrassing, but it’s fine. I just know I was slowly growing my blog and meeting new people but I still didn’t feel like I had real friends, it hadn’t been that long. But I think it all kinda happened after I accidentally deleted my account, and I sent panic asks to everyone. And you guys were so nice and so sweet and for a lot of people it was some of the first interactions we had. 

I have the world’s worst memory, but it just kinda took off from there. 

And now I am friends with all you guys!! I’m so incredibly glad I decided to make this blog that day because omg. I’d seen people talk about online friends but I’d never had any. But now?? OMGG I UNDERSTAND!!! I finally have people who are just as obsessed with the books/tv/movies/music/everything that I am!! 

My friends IRL are nice, they’ve read the books I read, but I cant talk to them the way I do you guys, yknow? Tumblr is literally just such a safe space for me. I have a bad day, come online, and my mood is lifted. It makes me so happy and it also makes me feel so validated for whatever weird interests or feelings I have! I have a weird thought? Post it to tumblr! It’s just so amazing, how there’s people all over the world who care about me even a little, even just enough to like my shitposts. 

I’ve even infiltrated both the shatter me and tig roleplays, and I’ve really just done everything I could’ve hoped for when I joined tumblr. I used to be the one watching everyone interact, and now I am the one interacting! I don't think you guys understand how much you all mean to me. Especially as someone with bad social anxiety, who struggles with making friends irl. I also don’t believe in popularity in schools, thats stupid, but technically i’m not a “popular kid.” So I have friends, but not a billion. But here? Everyone is friends on tumblr!! It’s so amazing. I love you all so much. 

That’s long and honestly pretty sappy, also yall probably don't care about my whole tumblr history and how i got here (plus no one asked), but I felt like i wanted to share. There’s so much more I wanna say, but surprisingly enough as a writer, I’m not always the best at expressing my feelings over writing. My love language is physical touch, not words of affirmation. Which suckss cause i cant give you guys that. But this is as good as i can get. 

So thank you to everyone, my mutuals and followers and whatever. Thank you for being so loving. Thank you for being stupid with me. Thank you for listening to me rant about nonsense. Thank you for liking my posts. thank you for being here. Thank you for making me feel safe.

Cause every time I get a notification, I smile. It’s hard not to, when I know everyone is so amazing. I hope you think of me when you listen to heather, because I always think of you when i listen to online love. Anyway, I love you all. I hope we meet one day. Actually, scratch that. We will  meet one day. That is a threat :)

LOVE YOU ALL MUAH MUAH MUAH IM BREAKING INTO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW BTW WERE GONNA WATCH HALLOWEEN MOVIES AND HAVE HOT CHOCOLATE AND GO TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH AND DO A BIG GROUP COSTUME AND GO TRICK OR TREATING TOGETHER GET READY 😋😋

[sailorstar9]

Xiao Kissed Lumine, Called It a Game, Until This Game Led F/N to Spend the Night with Kinich

Warning: Anti-Xiao, Anti-Lumine, Angst, University AU

Trigger warning: Cheating, Implied Sex

Lumine, F/N's junior, was chosen in the game of Truth or Dare and voluntarily kissed F/N's boyfriend, Xiao and F/N broke up with him in front of everyone. However, Xiao only dismissed it as a tantrum. “Don't be such a sore loser.” the management major taunted. “If it were you kissing someone else for a game, I wouldn't care at all.”

Xiao had just assumed that a goody-two-shoes like F/N would never do anything outrageous. In the next round, his buddy, Kinich Malipo, the most popular guy in the management department, was chosen for a dare; take a a girl with you for the night. He slowly extended his hand towards F/N, a lazy smirk playing on his lips. “Want to give it a try with me tonight?”

in the end, F/N placed her hand in his and agreed.

That night, Xiao called F/N non-stop.

The dare that Lumine gave was: choose a guy present and kiss him for three minutes. The next second, her gaze landed squarely on Xiao who was sitting beside F/N. Everyone followed her gaze.

Xiao just lowered his eyes, playing with F/N's hand as if he couldn't feel the intense stare.

Lumine boldly asked F/N, “Senior, I'm borrowing Xiao for three minutes.”

The air was so still that it seemed like everyone was holding their breath, nervously and eagerly watching this unfolding drama.

“There are so many single guys here.” F/N gave the blond girl a flat look. “Why don't you ask someone else?”

Lumine was at a loss for words; biting her lower lip and looking embarrassed.

“If you kiss her, Xiao, I will break up with you.” F/N spat. “I really will.”

Lumine's patience ran out. “Don't be so petty, F/N.”

One of Xiao's friends couldn't stand it any longer and tried to persuade F/N, “Don't take it too seriously. It's just a game.”

His girlfriend muttered under a breath, “Yeah, really ruining the mood. Why bother coming to a bar when you're going to be such a buzzkill?”

Before F/N could respond, Kinich, who hod been sitting silently in the corner of the booth, suddenly let out a light laugh. The focus of the room immediately shifted to him as his gaze landed on the girl who had just spoken. He asked slowly, in a measured tone, “If you're so cool with it, why don't you kiss every guy in the room? Except for me.” he added lazily. “I'm not that cool with it. Buzzkil.” he mocked her with her own words.

F/N stared at him in shock, unable to believe that as Xiao's friend, he would actually speak up for her. The surprise was so overwhelming that she almost forgot to be upset when the two people who had been kissing for three minutes finally finished and pulling her out of her daze.

When Xiao sat back down next to F/N, she was just opening her phone to delete him from her WeTalk. The faint satisfaction on his face instantly vanished, replaced by an emotionless stare. “What do you mean?”

“I just told you, we're breaking up.” F/N reminded.

As F/N was about to block his number, Xiao grabbed her hand. “Are you done with this nonsense?” and he let out a ridiculous laugh, a thin layer of anger lacing his confusion. “It was just a game. How far are you going to take this? If it were you kissing someone else because of a game, I wouldn't care at all.”

He was so bold because Xiao knew how conventional F/N was. But before he could finish, the noise from the other side suddenly grew louder; Kinich had drawn the most daring card of the night: 'Take any girl here and spend the night with her.'

The room fell silent when Kinich looked straight at F/N, everyone stunned as they watched him slowly walk over to her and extend his hand and asked, 'Want to give it a try with me tonight?”

Xiao narrowed his eyes at Kinich, smiling as he warned, “If you're drunk, I'll have someone send you home. Kinich, this is my girlfriend.”

Kinich glanced at him nonchalantly, “So, it's just a game. Xiao. Don't be a sore loser.”

Xiao reminded calm, “Why would I be? My girlfriend is too conservative. She wouldn't agree to this, so I'll refuse for her.”

But in the next second, F/N placed her hand on Kinich's palm. “Okay.”

The smile froze on Xiao's face as Kinich pulled F/N up and led her towards the door and leaving gasps and exclamations in the room behind them.

“Stop.” Xiao's voice was the loudest among them. He was still sitting in the booth. In a causal tone, he mocked, “I just wanted to say, let me know which hotel you book and I'll bring you guys some condoms.”

F/N spoke before Kinich could, smiling brightly, “No need, I'm on the Pill. Still worrying about your ex-girlfriend's hotel plans after a breakup? Isn't that a bit too much, Xiao? Sorry,” she looked at him with pity. “I don't like simps.”

Before Xiao's face could darken, she grabbed Kinich and walked out of the door.

It wasn't until F/N was seated in Kinich's car that she finally exhaled deeply, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. With the frustration vanishing, she politely thanked Kinich, “Thank you for helping me out today. Just drop me off at the subway station up ahead.”

“Do you know the consequences of lying to them?” Kinich reminded.

F/N shook her head, before opening her phone to check what the group chat had said: the group leader had laid the 'Forever Poor' penalty for everyone who lied.

“Get out.” Kinich pulled up at the subway entrance. “It's only a lifetime of poverty. What do you mean?” he frowned when F/N stopped him from opening the car door.

“I want to sleep with you.” F/N blurted out.

“But I don't.” Kinich refuted.

“Sorry,” F/N slowly nodded. “I think I drunk too much. I'll be going then.”

Kinich, however, locked the car door and started the car without a word, steadily speeding up.

Eventually, Kinich pulled up at a quiet bar. “Don't forget, just because we have to spend the night together doesn't mean it has to involve anything inappropriate to keep the agreement.”

F/N immediately got out of the car and followed Kinich inside one of his old haunts.

A call from an unknown number quickly grabbed F/N's attention after Kinich vanished. On the other end, she could hear Xiao and Lumine chatting.

“Xiao, why aren't you calling your girlfriend?” Lumine asked. “Aren't you worried she might cheat on you?”

“Don't I know how old-fashioned she is?” Xiao snorted. “it's just something she said out of spite. She's probably already back in her dorm, asleep.”

Lumine giggled, “But seeing how calm you are, it doesn't seem like you care much about her.”

“It's not that I'm that into her.” Xiao answered after a brief silence and F/N angrily ended the call.

Just then, the cocktail F/N ordered arrived and she took a big gulp.

The waiter froze in panic, “Miss, that drink is the wrong one. That was a special mix our boss made from himself.” leaving his tray on the next table, he dashed upstairs in the direction Kinich had gone.

“F/N, how are you feeling?” Kinich leaned down close to her, his cool hand pressing against her cheek.

“So refreshing.” F/N mumbled, contentedly leaning into him and nuzzling closer.

Kinich bit back a sigh as he watched the drunken F/N jump off the barstool and stumble towards the exit, before catching her in his arms as she was about to fall over.

When F/N came to her senses, she found herself in a hotel room upstairs being held by Kinich who had stripped off his shirt and leaving him in a pair of gray drawstring sweatpants. He leaned lazily on the sofa, staring at her coldly. “Come here.”

F/N mutely shuffled over to him and Kinich rested his hands on her waist. He pressed the back of her head and took control; he pried F/N's mouth open for an open-mouth kiss.

Things between Kinich and F/N were heating up when F/N's phone rang at an inconvenient time.

Kinich glanced at the Caller ID and picked up the phone.

Xiao's voice came through, calm but urgent. “F/N, where are you right now? Your room-mate told me you didn't' return to your dorm. Who are you with?”

“Calling at this hour?” Kinich answered dismissively. “Are you planning to drop off some condoms for us?”

“More.” F/N moaned.

Kinich chuckled, “I'll give it to you later.”

Xiao was uncharacteristically agitated. “Kinich, you know how much I like F/N, yet you still touched her. You're no brother of mine.”

Kinich, still on speaker phone, tossed the phone aside and casually agreed with Xiao, “We're not anymore; not brothers anymore.”

F/N was getting annoyed by Xiao's blabbering and snatched her phone to end the call.

The next morning when F/N woke up, Kinich was already gone. She sat up in the bed, knowing what happened the previous night was only a one-time accident.

When F/N saw Xiao standing outside her dormitory, she wasn't surprised at all.

“F/N,” Xiao walked up to her, his tone softer than usual. “I've deleted all of Lumine's contact information and I'll keep my distance from her from now on. Let's just pretend what we said about breaking up yesterday never happened.”

After a pause, F/N asked, perplexed, “Aren't you bothered by what Kinich and I did last night?”

“Stop pretending, F/N.” Xiao flicked her forehead. “I already know nothing happened between you and Kinich last night. But you did trick me. I was frantically looking for you all night. So, we're even now.”

“I told you we were breaking up.” F/N pushed Xiao away. “Can you stop bothering me? Just stay away from me and go back to your dear Lumine.”

Kinich pulled F/N into an empty classroom during break and lifted her onto the desk. “Didn't see this coming,” he glared at her coldly. “You're quite the troublemaker. Who taught you that? Kiss and run without taking responsibility? You left without a word after spending the night. I didn't expect you to dislike me so much. To the point you wouldn't answer my calls and messages; just to distance yourself from me.”

At this point, F/N realized there was a misunderstanding. “I don't dislike you.” her voice softened. “I woke up and saw you weren't there, so I thought you left. My phone was off the entire time. I forgot to turn it back on. I didn't ignore you on purpose.”

Kinich then explained that he had gone out to buy F/N breakfast and had already sent a message on WeTalk, but she didn't see it because her phone was off. “So,” he smirked mischievously. “You'll take responsibility for me.”

F/N meekly nodded.

“I don' t want you to misunderstand and think I'm only doing this out of obligation.” Kinich continued. “Let me make it clear: I like you, since a long time ago.”

As finals approached, F/N was already stressed from cramming.

Focused on her notes under the large tree in the campus yard, she suddenly noticed a looming shadow on the pages of her notebook. She looked up and was met by Kinich's hand holding a plastic cup of cold coffee pressing on her cheek.

Xiao was also standing on F/N's other side, his face expressionless.

Kinich causally walked over, blocking Xiao's view.

Xiao stared at him and issued a final ultimatum “Kinich, this doesn't concern you. I'm talking to F/N. You two didn't leave the bar that night. You stayed there the whole time. You better not tell me you two did it in a private room at the bar. Wouldn't that be disgusting?”

F/N dusted herself off, stood up and stepped out from behind Kinich. “How did you know we went to the bar again? Xiao, were you following us?”

“Do I have that much time?” Xiao's smile grew colder. He pulled out the chat records from the small group within the club he was in charge off. As it turned out, one of the group members lived near that quiet bar and had seen Kinich's car while going home and posted it on the group chat. The next morning, seeing that the car hadn't moved and given the image Kinich had built over the last three years, they assumed Kinich and F/N had spent the night at the bar to fulfil the dare.

Xiao put away his phone, his gaze shifting between the two. “Kinich, if you really slept with my girlfriend, I'll make you regret it.”

“Xiao, stop this madness.” F/N stepped in. “I'll say it one last time: I broke up with you that night at the bar.”

Kinich moved in, taunting Xiao with a provocative smile. “It wasn't me who slept with her; it was her who slept with me. What right do you have to question me?” he snarled, pulling Xiao close by the collar. “If you hadn't done those despicable things, would she have left you?” with a heavy kick to Xiao's chest, Kinich looked down at the yellow-eyed man in disdain. “I'm really puzzled. What makes you so confident that no matter how badly you behave, she would never leave you?”

“He's so weak.” F/N scoffed, walking away with Kinich. “I must've been blind to have dated him.”

Ever since that night at the bar, Lumine had been walking around with a glowing smile, looking like someone deeply in love.

But one day, as Kinich and F/N were leaving campus, they ran into her and it was clear she had been crying.

“Kinich, are you and F/N together now?” Lumine sniffled.

“Is that any of your business?” Kinich asked in return.

“I just want to warn you.” Lumine forced a smile. “You might not even know what kind of person F/N is. Don't let her fool you.”

“So, you're the one who knows me best?” F/N fired back.

Lumine, furious and humiliated, growled, “F/N, shut up.”

“I actually do know you better than I know F/N.” Kinich cut Lumine off and looked at her thoughtfully. “Homewrecker? Third wheel? How would you like me to address you?”

Lumine's face flushed red and then pale, before storming off in anger.

A/N: My second Kinich post to entice him to come home. Darn that Dendro Ben 10 for still dodging me.

[differentclasss]

a little self defeating confessional free form essay i give to you guys as a treat….

i don’t think i’ll write a lot of stuff like this but it’s nice to get stuff out there. if i do continue to write this stuff i’ll probably make a side blog for me to whine and complain on. i promise i’ll get back to my usual fan fiction but hell! i can pretend i’m Sylvia Plath for a day.

It feels like winter has already approached quickly and violently again. Every year when winter comes I get nervous that I’ll get all mopey and depressed again, after all, I’m not immune to seasonal changes. When I woke up on Halloween from a nap it was suddenly winter. Snow was sprinkled on top of the grass and for a moment I worried I had slept through Halloween and woke up mid-November. I didn't have the time to worry about it too much, I had a family Halloween get-together to go to and arrived at a fashionable hour late.

I try to replicate my fondest memories of this time of year but they never seem right. It only makes me realize that once something has happened, it’s gone and the memories are what you make of it. I tried very hard to act like spending Halloween with my family was something nostalgic but I couldn’t help but compare it to how things used to be. Everyone who I grew up with is settling down. They have spouses and kids and we talk about work and family drama. It’s so odd seeing a new generation of children take on the role you used to have. I spent my entire childhood wanting to be an adult and now that I have it, all I want to do is sit back with the kids.

I hardly feel like an adult. I’m childish at heart, not in the way I wear pigtails and overalls and demand to be taken care of, just in the way I don’t feel ready and revert to old ways. I swear I spend most of my waking moments being worried about my issues and instead of doing anything about them, I just opt to watch a movie and write my little stories. It’s regressive. I might as well wear pigtails and overalls, I’m halfway there. If another bad thing happens I might just lay down in my mother's bed and watch daytime television with her like I did when I was sick as a kid. Even if I did though, I think I would get nauseous seeing the same actors on the same TV shows but with old faces instead of their previously young ones. Being a witness to their aging would make me anxious, especially if I were to look over at my mother and see that she aged right alongside them.

What I’m getting at keeps getting muddled with too many words. I guess in short, I am saying that life loses its mystic after a while and nostalgia makes you dumb. That's just pessimistic though. What I wish I could say is that, yes life is ever-changing and once something is done, it's done and you can't replicate it but that doesn't mean good things won't happen. Then when I write that, I just sound like one of those chicken noodle soup for the soul stories. In all honesty, I'm having a hard time coping with change. I can't decide on whether to be optimistic or pessimistic about these changes. I can hope for good things all I want, but that doesn't mean they'll happen.

Anyway, I should probably just go to bed and promise to make November a productive time. I don't want to keep up this self-defeating bullshit I pull every time something causes me to revert as a hermit. Winter is on its way and there's nothing I can do to stop it, just like how I can't stop every other changing variable in my life.

[myfandomhalf]

Been thinking of Aventurine a lot and the fact Ratio never uses his name

When Jade was talking to him his name was still Kakavasha and right before that the IPC news mentions a “Egyhazo Aventurine” fraud case and Jade mentioned how he lied to the Intelligentsia Guild so it seems very possible to me that Ratio met him before he was Aventurine and maybe that’s why he only ever refers to him as gambler? Maybe he actually uses his real name but knows he can’t say it on Penacony? Just seemed odd how he NEVER says it, not even when talking to other people about him. The only time we hear Ratio say the word “aventurine” is when he’s talking about the stone to Sunday, but he never says it in reference to the person Aventurine.

I’m probably overthinking this but it just seemed like the dialogue was going out of its way to keep Ratio from saying Aventurine, but when there was no way around it they just had him say gambler

Edit: Should add that I play in English and haven’t looked at the other languages, so maybe it just so happens that he never calls him Aventurine in English even tho he does in other languages? In that case this wouldn’t matter at all but I have no idea

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

dan and phil are like jesus in that they’re dramatic ass fruity men in their 30s always going like “i am making this SACRIFICE for THE PEOPLE” and everyone is like “no one asked you to do this in fact we’d all rather you just did not do this” and they’re like “IT IS TOO LATE NOW YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED” and we’re like “no no we didn’t want this actually and you made this decision with your whole ass adult brain you truly could have just not done this and we’d all be better off for it but now we all have to suffer because YOU refuse to say no to shit” and i think that’s ridiculous stupid annoying awful beautiful

[undertheredhood]

the real reason why tim never publicly makes fun of jason for wearing a knock-off robin suit while beating him up is because jason (during his revenge plan to kill the joker) had found the extremely embarrassing self-insert wattpad fanfic he wrote about being sold to batman by his parents and the last thing tim needs is anyone else finding out about it

[lavernius]

Good lord is there any way I can say “don’t ever talk about Lolix on my posts” without sounding crazy/cringe. Don’t do that…

[shigussy]

i keep getting tiktoks of these younger gen z kids referencing a time they did something relating to fandom in public and now they're embarrassed by it and everytime i see one i sit there thinking over all of middle and high school and having genuinely 0 moments that i feel embarrassed by, like i definitely did a lot of shit these kids would be embarrassed by but i think these are all just really fucking funny

also photographic evidence of the kinda kid i was. these are from 2014/15 when i was in 8th grade

-desolation row one shot(still on wattpad gerard way/reader smut)

-twerk it on (mcr crack fanfic no longer on wattpad but i have another fic in my library called twerking in taco bell which definitely ALSO used for my reading log)

-frank iero must die(a serial killer/assassin frerard fic, still on wattpad)

-hair (really vague maybe a phanfic? nowhere in my wattpad library rip)

my binder i used in 7th grade i had a blue one that looked pretty similar to this for 8th grade but idk where it went, also the parts i scribbled out are my full legal name i had written on it. i wrote it normally and then the big spot is where i wrote my name REALLY BIG in elysian code from the vladimir tod books. also the lines are from when i used an exacto knife to cut up some papers and forgot that my binder was underneath

in conclusion yall can now see why im so shameless about talking about shigaraki the way i do

[juniperberrypipebomb]

Decided to log into twitter (hell) and outside of everything going to shit as always i found this piece of shit as my banner

I dont even remember when i made this but i do remember that i did and i remember how i made it

I saw a picture on twitter w some kind of caption and decided that i could make it look like a banner

i tried to add the fire flaming text that i saw on some reposted to twitter tumblr posts where someome makes a grammatical error and someone corrects them in a form of flaming (sometimes animated) text (never change guys, gals and all of you magnificent pals lol) but at the time i didnt know the website that you all used so i tried to improvise and google

I remember half way thru the making of this text being so upset that it looked like shit but after taking a break for 20 minutes i said "fuck it, it is way funnier this way" and i kinda glad that back then i decided to "fuck it we ball" it

It looks disgusting and i love it

[non-un-topo]

This is your permission to take advantage of some ridiculously harsh sunlight for the specific purpose of posting low-quality cringe

[dbphantom]

maybe i should have gone into practical effects instead of computer science...

[ferrarihamilton]

.

[because-its-eurovision]

.

[holytrickster]

once I'd freeze to death for warmth in heaven, starve now for the chance to finally feel full.

but I've been waiting so patiently, and for so long.

i was nearly there, almost forgot the hollow place in my chest--

and then i got hungry again.

don't swim right after eating, they say, but i was thinking how maybe loving somebody would taste like a clementine.

like a planet cupped in my palms,

and sometimes mottled with bruises,

or a bit misshapen,

but i would still share it with you in a second if you asked.

we'd share it evenly, piece by piece,

unwrap it slowly, a golden treasure.

wouldn't it be nice to speak with sunshine on your tongue, or to kiss it off someone's lips?

wouldn't it be nice to hold me the way the peel hugs the fruit?

i hope it would. I'd hold your hand all the way home.

[oorevitcejda]

not to be a killjoy but i really dont give a fuck about the empiresxhc stuff the reason i wasnt watching empires in the first place was bc i didnt care for a lot of the ccs and now hermitcraft is spending WEEKS in this crossover??? ugghhggggg

[loonylupinblack3]

Shy

Pairing: Logan Howlett x Reader

Warnings: swearing, suggestive content

Summary: you have a crush on a certain co-worker but are too shy to tell him. so someone does it for you.

Word count: 2.6k

A/N: THIS WAS A REQUEST BUT WHEN I TRIED TO REPLY TO IT IT DIDNT LET ME AND DELETED IT INSTEAD (also jean is a meddling little shit in this and u just gotta accept that)

You watched him from across the hall greedily, eyes drinking in his panting form, the sweat coating his chest and back, the strained muscles underneath his wife beater tank top. Logan was a sight for sore eyes on a normal day, but when he was working out? He had you practically rabid for him.

You were sitting on one of the benches, a forgotten book in your hand you hadn’t glanced at in ages, preferring to treat yourself to the image of Logan Howlett hot and sweaty while working out. There were a few other X-men exercising alongside him, and others on the bench with you hanging out so you weren’t too out of place, but everyone could see the way you looked at Logan.

Everyone but Logan himself.

You’d joined the team a few months ago- 5 to be exact- after whispers had gotten to you of a safe space for mutants. Having hidden your true genetic code from everyone else in your life, you jumped at the chance of not having to hide anymore. With your unique skill set too- the ability to formulate and present illusions- you were an exceptional addition to both the X-men and the teaching staff.

You thrived at the X mansion. The kids loved you, you got along well with your fellow teammates, and you had suggested and helped act on several improvements to both the school and the team. You were a good addition, and the other mutants were grateful to have you there.

You’d just had one problem when acclimating to the school. Your teeny, tiny, incredibly small crush on your fellow professor, Logan Howlett. At first you really had thought it would be no big deal. Just a co-worker you had noticed was slightly attractive. That’s all. Other mutants had told you he was hard to talk to, and had a gruff, moody personality, so you’d thought the attraction would soon fade.

Unfortunately it had only grown. The first time you’d realised, shit, this might actually be a problem, was when you’d gone to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and found Logan leaning against the kitchen counter, shirtless, with a beer in hand.

You’d been so flustered, eyes continuously betraying you and straying to his chest that you’d blurted out the first thing that came to your head, “how’d you get beer in here?”

Logan had chuckled, observing you as he brought the beer bottle to his mouth for a sip. “Why? Want some Sweetheart?”

You’d felt heat rise to your face at the nickname, shaking your head. “No, I was just curious.”

Logan stared at you a second longer, eyes trailing your figure appreciatively before shrugging. “Your loss. And unfortunately I can't tell you how I got it. Gotta keep it a secret lest Xavier finds out.”

You were too flustered to argue so you’d just nodded, mumbled a quick goodbye, and quickly walked back to your bedroom. You hadn’t even gotten your glass of water. 

There had been other similar instances over the past few months. Logan just had a way to get under your skin, to cause your heart to go into cardiac arrest every time he looked at you, which made it hard to conceal your ever growing crush on him from literally everyone. Even your students knew about it, or at least had their suspicions, and you prayed they were too intimidated by Logan to ask him any questions about it. The last thing you needed was to get humiliated and have to pack up all your things and leave the home you had just created for yourself because you could no longer look any of your co-workers or students in the eyes again.

Especially Logan.

Things had escalated until you could barely look Logan in the eye anymore, and actively avoided him at all costs. The last thing you wanted to do was embarrass yourself in front of him, and though it was unpleasant you’d decided the best course of action was just to steer clear of him altogether.

Still, you allowed yourself some enjoyment, like watching Logan workout from afar while in a room full of people. The onlookers weren’t the best, but it was better than being alone with him when who knows what would happen.

“Like what you see?”

Storm’s voice dragged you out of your ogling, and you turned to her with a sheepish expression. “Maybe.”

She gave you a knowing look, raising her eyebrows. You ignored it, because you’d heard her suggestions many times before and found they didn’t align with your own interests.

“Go and tell him how you feel.”

And embarrass yourself when he inevitably rejects you? No thanks. You were more comfortable with keeping your feelings suppressed, continuously shoving them down, building a brick wall between them and you, to permanently keep them out. Yet for every single brick you added somewhere below you could feel three more being punched out, slowly destroying your barricades bit by bit. 

Your eyes strayed back to Logan, like they always did, yet surprise striked you when you couldn’t find him. Your eyes scanned the room like a man on a mission, only to realise too late Logan was heading towards you, a towel in his sweaty grip.

He greeted Storm with a nod before his gaze zeroed in on you, and you mentally added another brick to your shield, determined to keep him out this time. 

“Y/n,” he greeted, eyes never straying from your face.

You looked down, fidgeting with your hands. “Logan,” and, because you were incredibly weak willed- “did you have a good workout?”

You swear as you looked back up at him you saw the remnants of a smile on his face, but it was gone in the blink of an eye so you couldn’t be completely sure. You don’t think Logan had ever smiled at you, and you felt the bricks within you start to wobble.

“It was alright,” he said curtly, ever the man of few words. He lingered though, as if debating to say something, when it came out anyway. “I’d like it if you joined us next time.”

You felt your heartbeat increase. You felt the jump and the rapid incline as you processed what he said, your mind swimming.

“Me? But I just do illusions… I don’t have a fight worthy mutation.”

“Which is exactly why you should workout. Build your strength so you don’t need to rely on others and can trust your own body to do the job, regardless of mutations.”

It was the most you think Logan had ever spoken to you all at once, and you were suddenly feeling very dizzy. Logan wanted you to workout with him, to spend time with him. Could you imagine? Standing alongside him while he panted. Sparring and ending up underneath him, his entire body weight crushing you between him. It was almost too much to think about.

You cleared your throat, trying to clear your mind of unhelpful distractions, and found your eyes glued to Logan as he brought the towel to wipe the sweat from his throat, his muscles straining right in front you as he reached behind the back of his neck, wiping the sheen of sweat from his body.

You were staring, you knew that, but you just couldn’t find it in you to look away. It was a godly sight, Logan in front of you, sweaty and staring right at you. How were you supposed to look away?

“Uhm,” you mumbled when Storm stepped on your foot. If she’d noticed your ogling Logan certainly must have, and you felt heat rise to your face at the thought. “Yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it.”

Logan looked at you again, really looked at you, before nodding, slinging the towel over a shoulder. “I hope to see you there.”

And with that he walked away, and you felt the bricks tumbling, clattering away inside you, and you could do nothing to stop it until you felt bare and vulnerable, watching the man walk away with the realisation this might be more than just a silly crush.

You couldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let yourself go too far, even though you could already feel yourself falling. You needed stronger defences, more barricades and walls. And if that meant more space between you and Logan, more avoiding and distance, well, you’d do it. You couldn’ let yourself go past the point of no return with him. You couldn’t.

Your avoidance of Logan had continued ten-fold. Whenever he entered a room you would exit. You would no longer spend time watching him workout or teach or do anything, really. You stayed as isolated from him as possible, and when you couldn’t you stayed silent, eyes fixed ahead of you rather than on him.

Others had noticed. You heard the rumours, whispers of a fight, a break up that occurred between the two of you. It was laughable, the idea that you and Logan had ever been together in the first place.

It was working though, or so you thought. You could feel your shields and barricades strengthening each day, and you continued to build them higher and higher, in the hopes you would eventually not need to avoid Logan, for he would no longer have any effect on you.

Until then you were determined to avoid Logan and spend as little time with him as possible. Unfortunately Logan did not share that sentiment.

You’d just finished up a class, instructing your students to have their homework prepared for next lesson and watched them all file out the door when Logan entered. It was so unexpected you hadn’t a chance to leave before he was upon you, his figure towering over your frame. His arms were crossed and he watched you with a frown on his face, yet you weren’t afraid of it anymore. Sure, you had been originally, but soon you’d discovered behind the frown was usually no ill intent, so you weren’t nervous.

Well you were, extremely so, but not about that.

“Oh, Logan,” you managed, swallowing thickly. “What are you doing here?”

Logan crossed his arms. “We need to talk.”

You winced. “We do?”

He let out an aggravated huff. “LIsten, I don’t know what I did to make you so pissed at me but it can’t be this bad-”

You interrupted him, confused. “Wait, what?”

He sent you a look. “You. Being mad at me. I don’t know why.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

Logan paused, looking at you with a scrutinising gaze. “Yes you are.”

You scoffed at him wrongly telling you how you felt. “No, I’m not.”

“So why are you ignoring me? And don’t say you haven't-” Logan said, noticing you’d opened your mouth to defend yourself. “I know you are. You have been avoiding me for weeks, and if you’re not angry at me I can see no other fathomable reason for why you’re acting like I have the plague.”

I frowned. “You noticed that?”

Logan scoffed. “Of course I noticed it. You don’t even come to training anymore, not even to watch like you used to. Why?”

You shifted uncomfortably on your feet. You obviously couldn’t tell him the real reason, otherwise all the hard work you’d done would be for nothing because you’d end up humiliated and rejected anyway, but you knew Logan could tell when someone was lying from their pulse spiking, and yours certainly would if you lied about this.

You grappled for something to say, anything, to shake him off your trail. “I have to prepare for another class-”

“You’re not preparing for shit until you tell me what’s wrong,” Logan practically growled. “I can stay here all day Bub.”

Well shit. You didn’t really have another choice. You were going to have to tell him about your feelings for him. Literally anything else would have been better. Anything else.

At that exact moment Jean walked into your classroom and relief bloomed in your chest. You were saved, you were safe. You could use Jean as an excuse and-

“She was avoiding you because she has the hots for you, Logan. Something every single person in this school knows except you.”

Well, not anything else apparently.

Logan let out a noise of surprise and looked at you, but your eyes were glued to Jean, horror and betrayal painted on your face. She mouthed ‘your welcome’ and left. What the fuck? Was that the only reason she entered, to butt into your private conversation?

“Y/n. Was what Jean said true?”

You opened your mouth and then closed it, looking like something akin to a gaping fish. “Define truth.”

Logan narrowed his eyes at you, not at all amused, and his silence forced you to continue.

You sighed, preparing yourself for the inevitable heartbreak to come. “Yes, it’s true, alright, but I never intended to act on it and I won’t act on it so you’re fine-”

“Who said I didn’t want you to act on it?”

You started. “W-what?”

Logan took another step until your chest was suddenly pressed against his. “Did I stutter?”

You felt like you were going to stutter if you said anything, so you sort of just… stood there. Waiting. For what exactly, you weren’t sure. Some clarity maybe?

Certainly not Logan grabbing you by the waist and kissing you, so firm and confident you couldn’t help but melt into his embrace. His hands were grabbing your waist, finding the dips in your curves and squeezing there, grabbing them and tugging you towards him.

His lips dragged across yours, adding an air of desperation to the kiss. You couldn’t help but bring your hand up to cup his cheek, thumb stroking his bearded jaw as he kissed you deeper, seeming for all the world like he was never going to stop. You were powerless to stop it, and you found you didn’t even want to. Your walls were crumbling and you gladly let them if it meant you could continue kissing this man.

Logan hefted you up onto your desk and you let out a gasp, muffled by Logan’s lips. He smiled into the kiss anyway, amused by your surprise, and placed his hands on your knees to part them so he could get between your legs. 

You immediately wrapped your legs around his waist, something he liked if the pleased grunt from his throat was anything to go by. His kissing became more fevoured, like he wanted to devour you, and you gladly let yourself drown in him.

That was until the school bell rang, startling you both out of the kiss. Or rather, just you, because Logan seemed content to move to your neck when your lips stopped responding.

“Logan,” you murmured. “I have a class to teach.”

Logan made an angry grunt and continued placing open mouthed kisses to your collarbone. You laughed and gently pushed him away, causing the man to growl and look at you with such irritation you’d think you interrupted his wedding or something.

“I’m busy here,” Logan said.

You had to physically swallow the breathless sigh threatening to escape your lips, instead saying, “we can continue this later.”

“We will continue this later.”

You smiled, almost shyly, which was ironic considering he was still between your legs. “Yeah?”

Logan moved forward so he could whisper into your ear. “Now that I have you Bub, I ain’t ever letting go.”

He pulled back and your smile widened, making a mental note to thank Jean when you next saw her. “I can live with that.”