#was not expecting this on a September 2 AM but here we are i guess?????

[bbeeohazardd]

me: [gets online after doing some stuff]

friend in the re:y2k server: Mothra knows rry2k

me:

[musings-of-a-rose]

I Never Stopped Loving You

I Never Stopped Loving You

Pairing: Joel Miller x OFC “Catie”

Word Count: 7700+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes:  @theewokingdead is such an enabler and I love her for it! This is 100% her idea (I’ll post it at the end). I’m just doing the words!

And yes, this is my first OFC character! 

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

Main Masterlist

Joel Miller Masterlist

I Never Stopped Loving You Part 2>>

September 26th, 2013

2 pink lines.

2 little pink lines that will change the entire course of my life from here on out. Not just my life, but his life too.

Joel.

It’s not like we just started dating. It’s been a couple of years, but we hadn’t really brought up the idea of adding another child alongside his Sarah. And yet, here I am, staring down in disbelief at these 2 little pink lines, memories of the night that caused this from a couple weeks ago flashing before my eyes briefly before my brain starts to spiral.

Would he be happy? Mad? Leave me? Feel obligated to marry me? How will Sarah feel?

Before I can spiral more, my phone springs to life, it’s ring loud in my tiny bathroom as it vibrates across the counter. I knew from the ring it was him, but what I didn’t expect was Joel to sound so tired and frustrated.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey, sweetheart.”

“Is that contractor being a dick again?”

He chuckles, low and deep. “How’d you guess?”

“He’s been giving you shit for weeks. I don’t know how you deal with it.”

“Because I need the money. But I’m starting to think it may not be worth it to keep my mouth shut.”

He launches into a story about his day from hell, how the contractor is making everything take 10 times as long as it should. When he finishes, he takes a deep sigh before speaking again.

“You able to check on Sarah?”

“Yeah. She’s doing fine. Ordered a pizza. Sorry I couldn’t hang with her.”

“It’s alright. You feelin’ any better, sweetheart?”

I could tell him now, tell him that my secret suspicion of my nausea over the last several days has been confirmed, but I don’t want to tell him like this. Not over the phone, not when he’s exhausted and frustrated. I’ll tell him when I see him next.

“A little.”

A beep sounds and Joel pauses. “That’s Tommy. I’ll call him back later.”

“No, no. It’s ok, answer it. Just go home and get some sleep.”

“You sure?”

“Positive. See you tomorrow?”

“Definitely, sweetheart. Feel better.”

I feel guilty for not telling him right away, but the timing just isn’t right. Besides, this gives me some time to wrap my own head around it and figure out exactly how to tell him.

—----

Waiting was not a great idea.

I had fallen asleep at some point, but I was woken up by…is that screaming? Something is happening outside and it doesn’t sound good. 

Creeping up to the window, I pull the curtains back just enough to peek outside. People are moving about the street, but something isn’t right. They’re all running from Mr. Stevens, my neighbor from several houses down. He’s running after them, but it’s not normal. No…not human. He leaps forward, jumping onto the nearest person and…shit!

I run back to my nightstand and grab my phone. The first few times I try to get a call out, it’s a busy signal. Whether the lines are cut or busy is beyond me, but I have to keep trying. My fingers tremble as I use speed dial to try to get Joel. The phone slips from my hand and clatters to the floor.

“Shit!”

I bend down and pick it up, hitting the green call button and miraculously, the call goes through. My breathing speeds up, I feel like my heart is about to pound out of my chest. I’ve never needed a call to go through more than now-

“Catie?”

“Joel?”

“Thank God. Listen, somethin’ is happening. Something with the people-”

“I know. I saw the neighbor-”

“Stay away from them-.....not right-....Sarah and I-.....”

“Joel?” The line keeps breaking up, static cutting out more than half of whatever he was trying to tell me.

“....just stay put….no lights….there soon…”

“I- ok. I’ll stay here.”

“Love you, sweethea-”

The phone cuts off and the connection dies with it. I pull the phone away from my ear and look down at the screen. My phone still has battery but over the service bars is an X. Guess they either cut the service or something happened at a tower. Either way, it’s not good. 

I stay there a moment longer until more screams and glass breaking from across the street somewhere bring me harshly back to reality. I click my lamp off and head into my closet, finding the new hiking backpack I’d bought a couple weeks ago with Joel, who planned to take Sarah and I hiking soon. Be smart, Catie. It’s just like camping. What do I need realistically?

I’m no stranger to traveling, so I roll all my clothes, putting on a 3rd pair of jeans and a shirt, making sure to pack and wear thicker socks that will last longer. I also toss in a bar of soap, my waterproof matches and firestarter, some salves I had just finished making last week, and some other random items. The pack isn’t too heavy, which I’m grateful for. I grab one of Joel’s flannels and throw it on over my clothes before hoisting the backpack over one shoulder. 

Quietly, I creep downstairs, ears straining to hear anything out of place. I hear nothing - well, nothing aside from the ominous noises from outside. I’m so glad that I have curtains all around my house, never wanting people to see in, especially at night. I fill my canteen with water and grab a bunch of high protein, portable snacks, tossing them in my bag and strapping the water to the side. I make up another canteen to add to the other side to balance the weight. Plus, having extra water wasn’t a bad thing. Right?

I kept my phone on me in case Joel managed to get through again. I pull it out to see if anything had changed, but nothing. It’s been at least 20 minutes since I spoke to him, but even if he had left his home right at that moment, it would still be another 5 or so minutes before he’d get here. And I’m sure he’s running into obstacles outside. 

When it hits the hour mark, I become officially worried. 

I know he told me to stay put, but the screams outside are lessening, which can only mean one thing. I’m not waiting around for it to be my turn.

Grabbing a pen, I scribble a quick note telling Joel to meet me at the cabin, my parent’s cabin that they had given me to use with Joel and Sarah. It’s out in the middle of nowhere but it’s self sustainable and the perfect place to hideout from…whatever is happening. 

I leave the note in a conspicuous place, hoping that he’ll be able to see it. I check the knives I stored in my boot and one in a leg strap on my thigh. Initially a gag gift from my brother when I started hiking more, I learned how to use them a little, just in case. Otherwise, I have my bow-my bow!

Quickly, I head into my office closet and grab my bow and quiver of arrows, making sure I have the proper attachments for attaching them to my backpack. I pick up my keys, fingers trembling and I nearly drop them. 

Then my sliding door crashes open, glass shattering everywhere, inhuman noises coming from whatever fell through it.

I don’t even bother to look, throwing open the front door and slamming it behind me, eyes scanning the yard for any threats. Thank God I have a keyless entry, the car unlocking for me and I throw my bag and bow in as I slide in the seat of my suv, slamming the door shut behind me. I fumble with the keys, trying to jam them in the ignition when I hear my front door slam against the ground. I manage to jam the key in and the engine turns over. I backup quickly out of my driveway and peel off down the street as Mr. Stevens comes out of my house, moving towards my car but quickly giving up as I drive away. 

I make it about 10 blocks when I see her. My neighborhood friend Lucia, running for her life from…something who used to be a someone. No hesitation, I turn my suv, slamming into the something and sending it flying. Lucia turns and sees me, eyes wide with fear as she runs towards me as I beckon her to get in. She throws open the passenger door and screams at me to go before she even closes it behind her. I do, speeding off down the road and somehow managing to get out of the nieghborhood without road blocks or hitting anything else.

For now, I’m ignoring what I see and focusing on getting us out. 

Lucia says nothing, eyes scanning the road and looking behind us to make sure everything is clear. By the grace of a higher power, we manage to make it to the back highway that will eventually bring us to my parent’s cabin. Or my cabin now, I guess. 

“Luce, are you ok?”

Lucia is breathing heavy but she nods, turning her head towards me as she starts to relax slightly. “Thank you for stopping. I..I wouldn’t have made it otherwise.”

“I’m just glad I could help.”

A few moments of silence pass between us before I speak again.

“Are you hurt or..or bit? I don’t..I don’t know what-”

“No. I don’t know how but no.”

“What are they?”

Lucia takes a shaking breath and I can hear her trying to hold back tears. “I..I don’t know. They aren’t…they were people but now?”

“Yeah that’s pretty much all I saw too…oh is there anywhere I need to go or drive by for you?”

She looks away from me quickly. “I uh…no.”

“Where’s your brother?”

She was quiet for a moment. “He left on his business trip a day ago.”

Right. Japan or something.

I reach over and squeeze her hand, feeling us both shaking. “I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

More silence.

“What about Joel? And Sarah?”

“I uh…I was waiting for them but… I left a note telling them where to meet me.”

“Oh. I’m sure they’re fine.”

We drive for a little bit longer, Lucia messing with the radio to try and find anything that was playing. It was all just static. I take the exit I need and clear my throat.

“I’m pregnant.”

Lucia’s head snaps towards me. “You’re what?”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Great timing, huh?”

“Does Joel know?”

A sob jumps out of my throat, one I didn’t know I had. “No. I..he had a hard day at work and I figured I’d tell him tomorrow…”

“Oh, Cat. It’s ok. He…he’ll find you for sure. I know it. Buuut…until then, you have me! Wait, did you pick me up just because I’m a midwife?” I can hear the smile in her words, but she’s still not 100% certain.

“I picked you up because you needed help. And you didn’t look injured.” She laughs at my admission. 

“I love your honesty, Cat.”

We chat about the pregnancy the entire way, only quieting when we reach the long, hidden drive to my cabin. We do a quick perimeter check, inside and out. Nothing and no one. The closest neighbors we have are literally miles away. We have more chances of seeing a bear than another person. 

Lucia helps me unload the few things I have in the car and heads inside. We take a quick stock of all pantry items and I’m thankful that Sarah and I did so much canning the last time we were here. She had gotten slightly obsessed with the idea and was looking forward to eating it when they were ready. Water wouldn’t be an issue either as we have our own private well, no need for electricity. Which is good because that doesn’t work without the generator and we are not turning that on. It’s too noisy and would attract trouble.

Lucia and I have a low key dinner of beef sticks and some dried vegetables, chatting with each other to try and lighten the dark cloud that has crept over the world. She heads off to one of the bedrooms and I head off to mine, the one I share with Joel. Once I’m finally able to collapse in the bed, I allow myself a moment to cry, worrying about Joel and Sarah and the baby that’s currently growing inside of me. I still have hope they’ll make their way here. I have to or I’ll crumble into bits and float away on the wind.

—----

20 years later…

Lucia and I stayed in the cabin for nearly 10 years. She helped me safely bring my daughter Penelope, or “Poppy”, earthside. We raised her in the cabin, teaching her everything she needed to know about survival and life, despite her young age. This is how life is now. She’s still allowed to have kid time of course, which is why there are murals painted on nearly every corner of the cabin. 

About 10 years in, Lucia, who had never given up on finding someone or a transmission on either the radio or the ham radio, finally found one talking about a settlement in Jackson, Wyoming. It would take us nearly a month to get there, let alone the danger we’d be in. The suv would never make it, having given out years ago, but luckily we had managed to make a small farm for us and that included a few horses and a couple that could pull a wagon or 2. After gathering up all the information we could on Jackson, we determined it must be a real place and put it to a vote with all of us. After the winter snows melted, we left for Jackson, packing up our entire lives, or what we could anyway, and plotting out the safest route possible. It would take us about a month, especially with the detours we were taking, but they were necessary to avoid the areas that would most likely have bandits. Or worse.

The last thing I did before I closed the door was to write a letter to Joel and Sarah, telling them where we were going. Even 10 years later, I had not given up on them.

—----

A month later, we arrived in Jackson, a few more scrapes and bruises to our name, but luckily, we hadn’t run into too much trouble.

Lucia got work right away, considering her background as an official midwife. I was hired to help with the gardening because of my immensely green thumb and knowledge of herbs, and Poppy was allowed to help with the livestock we brought, after school was done for the day. Poppy was beside herself with the idea of going to actual school, even though she knew most of what they were teaching anyway. 

We all settled nicely, Lucia falling in love with a nice man on the other side of town, eventually moving in with him and starting a family of their own. Poppy made a ton of friends, finally allowed the freedom to be a kid for more than a couple of hours. 

As for me? 

I never really dated anyone, my heart given to Joel a long time ago. I know the likelihood of seeing him again is extremely slim, but I still have a tiny sliver of hope that he’s around. And maybe he’s heard about Jackson and will head this way. Which didn’t impact my decision to come here. Nope. Not at all. 

But the biggest surprise that Jackson held for us was Tommy, Joel’s brother. He was married to Maria, the woman who started this community with her father, and lived on the farm where they kept the horses. Poppy and he got along right away, her begging for more stories about her dad and he would pretend to be annoyed but would give in every single time. She continued this ritual as she grew, eventually bringing her boyfriends with her, searching for Tommy’s approval, just like a father.

One beautiful fall day, I’m walking through the market, trading for new produce and supplies when I hear some people gossiping over lemonade at the small eatery in town. I tend to ignore gossip, never having been one for it, until the phrase “Tommy Miller’s brother” reaches my ear. I freeze, listening intently on their words, but I’m only able to make out that he was here in town. 

Joel was here. In Jackson.  Joel. 

I turn, marching towards the small group of people that were doing the gossiping when I heart the alert - bandits were attempting to attack the dam. Growling out in frustration, I turn to run towards that side of town, slinging the rifle from around my back once I assumed my nearly hidden position on the wall. We make quick work of the bandits, especially since we are heavily fortified and secured. That doesn’t stop them from trying, though. 

Once the attack is over, I search the throngs of people for Tommy, just spotting him getting on his horse and heading home. Cursing, I turn, heading towards Tommy’s house on foot, my mind now completely on Joel since the bandit attack was over. Was he still in town? Does he know I’m here? Does he know he has a daughter?

I arrive at the farm and immediately head for the barn, knowing Tommy would still be tending to his horse. Sure enough, he had just finished putting her away, locking the gate behind him.

“Tommy!”

He sighs and doesn’t look at me right away. Which tells me he knows exactly why I’m here.

“Hey, Catie.”

“Is he here?” I’m standing just a couple feet from him, arms crossed and my foot tapping slightly with nerves.

“Who?”

“Fuck you, Tommy. You know who.”

“I-”

“Tell me the truth.”

He meets my gaze for a moment before nodding. “He was.”

He was here. Joel was here, in Jackson, alive and I didn’t- wait. Did he say was?

I swallow hard, willing my tears to just wait until I’m by myself. “Is he ok?”

“Yeah. Well, I mean as much ok as we all are.”

I let out a breath of relief. He was ok. Probably a little worse for wear but he was ok.

“Did…did you tell him I’m here?”

Tommy studies me for several moments, his dark eyes bouncing between mine, as if he’s debating with himself. “I…did.”

He knows I’m here. Joel knows I’m here, alive and well and he just-

Oh. 

Of course. It’s been nearly 20 years and it would be ridiculous to think the man still loved me after all this time. He didn’t even know I was still alive. He’d never even met his daughter. If he no longer cared about me, fine. But why wouldn’t he want to meet his daughter? Unless…

“Did you tell him about Poppy?”

Tommy’s entire stance is apologetic and I know his reply before his lips even part. “No.”

“What the fuck, Tommy?”

He puts his hands up in a calming manner. “It shouldn’t come from me.”

“Fuck you, Tommy! He doesn’t even know he has another daughter. He deserves to know-”

“You’re right, he does. But not from me-”

“I can’t fucking believe this. It’s been 20 years, Tommy. 20 years and he didn’t even stop to say hi? Maybe if you’d have told him about Poppy, he’d at least stayed long enough to see her.”

I poke him in the chest as hard as I can. “It’s your fault he left!”

Tommy grabs my wrist and pulls me closer, his voice lowering to just above a whisper. “He had other things to take care of.”

“What could be more important than family?”

“All of humanity.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“He had a girl with him. Maybe…14? 15?”

My heart sinks. Did he have another daughter after the clickers came? As if he could read my mind, Tommy shakes his head.

“Not his. Her name is Ellie and she’s….special.”

“That’s disgusting, Tommy.”

He gives me a look. “She was bit.”

“Bit? And you let her into Jackson?”

“And she hadn’t turned.”

I could feel my eyes grow wide. Bit? Without turning? That’s impossible.

“How do you -”

“Saw the bite myself. I’ve seen enough of ‘em to know what they look like. It’s legit.”

“Fuck,” I whisper. This is huge. Definitely bigger than me.

“Yeah… anyway, he was takin’ Ellie to the Fireflies because they can supposedly make a cure out of her blood. Or that’s the hope anyway.”

“A cure?”

“Yup. This whole mess could be put behind us.”

This…this is life changing. World changing. My 20 year long devotion to a man I was deeply in love with paled in comparison to a cure for the clickers. Tommy told me Joel still had a long way to go, but if anyone could make it, he could. 

“ ‘m sorry, Cat. I wish he could’ve stayed to say hi.”

“Did…did he say anything about me?” I hate how needy I sound.

“Honestly, we didn’t really talk about you other than me mentioning you were here. The focus was Ellie.”

I nod. The focus was on the right thing.

“Do you think he’ll come back?”

He rubs the back of his neck. “I doubt it. It’s a long trek and pretty dangerous. He’d be smart to just stay put, especially to take care of Ellie.”

I left the barn and headed straight home. Poppy was out with her boyfriend so I had the whole place to myself. Which gave me plenty of alone time to cry and, for the first time in 20 years, try to move on from the dream I had about starting a little family with a man I never stopped loving.

—----

Spring in Jackson is always beautiful. The colors come alive, blooming from every surface they can for miles in greeting the season change. It’s also the perfect time to start planting certain crops so they’ll be ready when it comes harvest season. 

I’ve finished planting in the community garden, dirt crusted under my fingernails despite my scrubbing at the garden sink. I’ll be able to use a brush at home, but for now, I smile at the grime on my clothes. It means Jackson will have food and enough to last through winter. 

Taking off my apron, I toss it into the laundry basket to be cleaned and head towards the home I share with Poppy. She doesn’t spend as much time there these days, but I can hardly blame her. She is 20 and in a pretty serious relationship. I would not be surprised if the boy popped the question any day now. 

I turn onto Main Street and Mrs. NoseyPants stops me. I know it’s not her real name but it fits her better.

“Catie! How are the crops going? Jackson going to survive?”

“Mmhhmm. We should be great.” I try to step around her, but she blocks my path.

“How’s that daughter of yours? Still getting on with the Miller boy?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I hope he makes an honest woman of her before something happens.”

“Something happens?”

She looks around, as if she expects anyone to actually give a fuck about what we’re saying. “Yes. Like an out of wedlock child.”

I plaster on a fake smile. “Oh yeah. That would be terrible, wouldn’t it?”

“I don’t like your tone, Catie.”

I open my mouth to offer some sarcastic retort about not really giving a rat’s ass what she thought of my tone, but my gaze moves over her shoulder and the crowd parts just enough for me to see him.

Joel. 

Unmistakably him, despite what the last 20 years has put on his shoulders. His back is to me, but his head is turned to the side, looking at all of the houses and buildings that line Main Street. Fuck he’s still handsome.

“Are you listening to me, Catie?”

I blink but don’t take my eyes off Joel, afraid he’d disappear if I did. “Full offense Mrs. Bennett, but I don’t have time to listen to your outdated and hateful words. Have a nice day.”

I know her jaw has dropped as I scoot around her, and I know I’ll probably pay for that later, but I couldn’t care less. My eyes are fixed on him as he walks slowly, eyes still moving from house to to house, taking it all in. I’m only several feet away before someone literally walks into him, dropping the giant stack of boxes they had been carrying.

“I am so sorry sir!”

The young man stoops to try and gather up the boxes and Joel turns to face him, bending to help him gather them up and reassemble them in his arms. “Don’t worry about it.”

The boy nods and takes off. Joel’s eyes follow him, making sure he doesn’t drop them again when his gaze meets mine. Those dark eyes move right into recognition and shock, blowing wide as it finally sets in who he’s looking at. 

I hesitate only a moment before I move towards him, nearly running and shoving a few people out of my way. And suddenly, I’m standing in front of him, all 5’11 and broad shouldered, just as he had been 20 years ago. More lines adorn his face, and several scars, his hair is speckled and streaked with greys, but somehow it makes him all the more attractive. My breath catches in my throat and I find myself speechless in front of the man I would’ve given anything to speak to for 20 years.

“Catie?” He chokes out my name, eyes scanning mine as if he was waiting for me to say he was mistaken. That I wasn’t who he thought I was.

A quick sob escapes me as I nod frantically. “It’s me.”

His hand, large and warm just as it always has been, comes up to cup my face, his thumb tracing my cheek, as if touching me was proving to him that I was real. And then he pulls me into his chest, hugging on to me tight, like I would disappear from his grip if he didn’t. I hug him back, crying into his broad chest, unable to believe that I was finally, finally, holding onto him. 

He pushes me back slightly, only to look at my face. “You’re…you’re alive.”

I chuckle through my tears. “And so are you. I thought Tommy told you I was here?”

He nods, his dark eyes still on my face. “I thought he was makin’ shit up to try and keep me here.”

“Well that does sound like Tommy.”

Joel chuckles deeply and it sends a jolt through my body. God how I missed that sound. 

“He told me you lived down this way.”

I cock my head to the side. “Were..were you looking for me?”

Pink blooms across his cheeks as if he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “I had to see if he was full of shit.”

“Fair point.”

We stand there, in the middle of the street just staring at each other for several minutes before I blink back to reality.

“Are you hungry? I was heading home to make something to eat and shower. I…if you want to join me?”

His eyes darken briefly and I realize too late what I said. 

“I’d love to. But…”

He’s struggling with words.

“..but… what?”

He clears his throat, looking away from me for the first time. “Wouldn’t your uh…husband or boy friend or whatever be upset?”

Smiling up at him, I shake my head. “I don’t have either of those.”

His shoulder seem to slacken in relief. “Oh. ‘m sorry.”

“I’m not.”

The corners of his mouth tick upwards in a small grin and I feel like my insides are melting through my skin. How can this man still get me going after 20 years?

“Lead the way.”

I gesture down the street in the direction we’d have to go to get to my place. We don’t say much, Joel still taking in Jackson but always having one eye on me. I know we’re about to have a difficult conversation. How will he feel about Poppy? About how our life turned out? Or his? Tommy had told me about Sarah when I first came to Jackson. The hardness behind his eyes shows that he’s still dealing with the grief and I imagine he always will. It’s no easy thing to lose a child. 

We arrive at my house and I unlock the door, heading inside and flipping on a light.

“You have power?” He asks.

“Mmhmm. Tommy was able to hook up a generator of sorts to the power grid. It’s heavily guarded and taken care of so no one has messed with it. He’s been talking about trying to use water or wind energy, but we need someone who knows that.”

I kick off my boots and Joel copies me, setting his down next to mine. 

“Poppy? You home?” I call out, not wanting her to walk in the middle of whatever was about to take place. When I receive no reply after a few calls of her name, I shrug my shoulders in a ‘guess she’s not home’ way.

“Who’s Poppy?”

“You thirsty?” I head towards the kitchen and Joel follows, watching as I take out a pitcher of lemonade. “I also have beer. It’s…not the greatest but it’s something.”

“You make the best lemonade. I’ve been dreaming of it for years.”

I smile, turning to grab 2 glasses and putting some ice in each of them before adding the lemonade. I hand Joel his glass and his fingers briefly brush against mine. They’re rougher than before but not by much, and the jolt this light touch sends through is just as strong as it was 20 years ago.

I head back to the living area and sit on the couch, taking a sip while I motion for him to sit as well. He does, taking his own sip and I catch a nearly imperceivable moan at the back of his throat when he tastes the lemonade. I quickly shove my legs together, hoping he doesn’t notice. I try to cover by setting my glass on the coffee table and he copies me, wiping his hand on his jeans as he settles back, his body slightly shifted towards mine. 

“Is Poppy your uh…girlfriend?”

I laugh this time, not at the idea of me having a girlfriend but at the look on his face while saying it. “No. No she’s-” time to tell him what you should have all those years ago “- my daughter.”

Joel nods, his eyes looking down at his hands and his shoulder slump slightly as if sad. “You- you said you didn’t have anyone.”

“I don’t.”

A knowing look passes over his eyes. “Oh. ‘m sorry for your loss.”

My eyebrows furrow in confusion. “My loss? No, Joel. Poppy is 20.”

“20…what?”

“20 years old.”

It’s his turn to look confused, as if math was passing over his vision. “She’s…20?”

“Yes.”

“So…that…that would mean when…you…” He shifts nervously in his spot on the couch, another swipe of his palms across his jean clad legs.

“Is…is she…”

“Do you remember that night? You had called me, telling me about that pain in the ass contractor you had to work with?”

Joel nods, his eyes glazed over in memory. “Yeah. I called to check on you because you couldn’t stop throwing…up…” His eyes snap to mine, and to my surprise, they were full of hope.

“I told myself it wasn’t the right time to tell you. But how the fuck would I have known that the world would end?” I chuckle nervously, fumbling as I reach got my glass to try and cover my nerves.

He lets out a puff of air. “So I have a daughter?”

My face feels warm under his intense gaze. “Yes.”

He lets out a half sob half laugh of joy, tears welling in his eyes before he tries to wipe them away with the back of his hand. “All these years I had a kid and I didn’t know. I didn’t know, Catie. I-” Another half sob half laugh escapes him and he takes a moment to compose himself, his body not used to such displays of emotion. Not anymore.

“Why didn’t you just tell me that night?”

Why didn’t I? “You sounded so stressed and worried and I didn’t want to add onto that. I was going to tell you the next time I saw you but…” but indeed. 

“How long had you known?”

“That day. I had suspected for a couple of days but I had to wait until I was sure I had missed my period to test and I didn’t want to tell you and be wrong.”

“You should’ve told me, sweetheart. We could’ve done the test together.”

I chuckle darkly. “Yeah I probably should’ve done that.”

“Tommy never told me.”

“What?”

“When I was here before. He told me you were here but not that I…that I have…why the fuck wouldn’t he tell me?” Joel pushes himself up from the couch in anger, pacing back and forth across the hardwood floor. “He should’ve told me!”

“Joel, he did what he thought was right.”

He looks at me, anger flashing in his eyes. “He had no right to keep that from me. If I had known, I would’ve-”

“Not brought Ellie to the Fireflies for a chance to save humanity?”

He stops pacing, turning towards me with shock on his face. “He told you about Ellie?”

I nod, sighing. “He did.”

“And he didn’t tell me I had-have a fucking daughter? And that she was here?”

“In all fairness to Tommy, he only told me after I got pissed he didn’t mention her to you.”

Joel scoffs. “What an asshole.”

“I…I thought maybe if you knew, you would’ve…maybe you would’ve at least stayed to meet her.”

Anger leaves his body and he sits next to me on the couch, hesitantly placing his hand on my thigh. “I definitely would’ve. When he told me you were here…I was intent on seeing you. Or seeing if he was pulling shit out of his ass. But he reminded me how important my cause was and since it was time sensitive, I couldn’t.”

“You couldn’t at least have simply said hi?”

“Sweetheart, there is no ‘simply’ between us. If I’d have seen you, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.”

Tears fall from my eyes and I wipe at them furiously. “Did it work out at least?”

“Did what work out?”

“Ellie. And the Fireflies.”

Joel grows quiet for several moments. “Turns out they didn’t need her after all. Found others and couldn’t use the blood.”

He’s lying. I know he’s lying but now’s not the time to press him for more information.

“She come here with you?”

Joel nods. “I wasn’t just gonna leave her there.”

“No, no. I think that’s great. There’s a good community here. I’m sure she’ll fit right in.”

“She was already makin’ friends the moment we walked in the gate.”

A long pause passes between us, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s a processing silence, both of us trying to categorize and file the information we both learned from the other. When I look at him, I can tell he’s far off, thinking and brooding on things, which isn’t always a good thing.

“I wish you’d have told me that night.”

Ah.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“It would’ve changed everything! I would’ve grabbed Sarah and headed straight over to your place, bringing you…I don’t know, ginger ale and crackers? Whatever you wanted. We’d have stayed with you, started our family. Sarah so wanted a sibling. Especially a sister. Shit, she’d be so happy right now if she were….”

His voice tapers off but I know what he was going to say.

If she were alive.

I place my hand on his and squeeze it. “Tommy told me. I know nothing I say can make up for it, but I am so sorry Joel. I miss her terribly. I can’t imagine how it is for you.”

His mouth sets in a line, his jaw clenching, hand squeezing a little tighter on my thigh as if he’s trying to prevent himself from losing it. 

“Maybe if I had known you were pregnant, and we came over, she’d still be alive.”

“Oh, Joel, no. You can’t think like that-”

“I failed her.”

He spoke so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. The guilt in his words, however, was loud enough to hear from space. I bring my other hand to the side of his face, cupping his cheek, his patchy greyish stubble poking at my fingers, and gently turn his face upwards to mine. 

“You are a great man, Joel. And a hell of a father. There is no way that Sarah would ever think that you failed her in any way. She loved you so much and idolized you.”

The tears come this time, unable to hold them back any longer. I pull him to me and hug him, cradling the back of his head as he cries into my shoulder, mourning the loss of his daughter anew as he attempts to put aside the intense load of guilt he’s carried around for the last 2 decades. We stay like this for a while, my own tears mixing with his, as the light from the setting sun streaks through the curtains. 

Eventually, Joel pulls back, wiping at his face with the back of his hand before he finally looks at me, his beautiful eyes puffy from tears. I’m sure mine don’t look any better.

“Sorry about that.”

“Sorry for what? Being human?”

He smiles and the room lights up with it. “You were always so good at that.”

“At what?”

“Letting me feel things. And makin’ me feel like I wasn’t a complete fuck up.”

“That’s because you aren’t.”

He scoffs, smirking at me in disbelief. “I’ve had to do some shady shit to survive, sweetheart.”

“Who hasn’t?”

“You got me there. I’m still a fuck up though. Don’t know how you didn’t see it.”

“Hhmm…” I put my finger to my chin in mock thinking. “It’s probably because I’m in love with you then.”

Joel cocks his head slightly to the side, questioning my statement. I’m not sure why, as my love for him is no secret to me. 

“In love? Not was in love?”

Oh.

“I-”

The front door opens and Poppy walks in. I nearly jump out of my skin, having been completely absorbed in our conversation. Or was it more of a confession?

“Hey Mom! I’m only home to grab some clothes. Then I’m heading to Lyra’s. There’s this new girl in town, Ellie? She’s only 15 but she’s pretty cool. Oh.” Poppy had walked into the living room, her eyes, exactly like her father’s, shifting from me to Joel. I stand and Joel copies me, staying put while I walk around the couch towards Poppy.

“Mom..I didn’t know you had company. You never have company.” She thinks she’s speaking quietly but it’s not quiet enough. 

“Poppy-”

“I mean, I think it’s great, but….but…” Her eyes fully take in Joel, landing on his face as she stares, her eyes slowly widening in realization. She had only seen him in the photos I was able to share with her, a few printed ones and then some on the cell phone I had refused to toss away, carting it across the country along with a charger in hopes of finding power to charge it. 

“Dad?” Poppy whispers in disbelief.

Joel looks nervous, his weight shifting from foot to foot. This man has faced countless clickers, bandits, and worse, but meeting his 20 year old daughter is the thing that does him in?

God I love this man.

His hand comes up and does a little wave as he stares back at her, clearing his throat. “Hi. I’m uh… I’m Joel.”

“Dad!” Poppy drops her bag and runs, launching herself over the couch and straight into his arms, wrapping herself around him as she cries. It takes Joel a moment to recover from the intense reaction, but he wraps his arms around her and holds her, hugging her just as tight. Tears obstruct my vision and I blink quickly, trying to wipe them away so I don’t miss a moment of this meeting. 

Her feet back on the floor, Poppy pulls back, her eyes raking over Joel’s face. “Was I too much?”

Joel laughs, smiling down at his daughter. “Not enough.”

She laughs and he brings his hand to her face, wiping away her tears. “I’m sorry, Poppy.”

“For what?”

“I didn’t…I didn’t know-”

She waves her hand. “Mom told me everything. You never knew I existed and then the world went to shit. It’s ok. You’re here now and that’s what matters! Wait - you are staying right?”

Joel’s eyes shift from Poppy’s to mine and I look back at him waiting for an answer myself. I want him to stay, desperately need him to stay, but I understand if he wants to leave. I never asked if he had someone waiting for him somewhere.

“I don’t wanna step on you or your mom’s toes-”

Poppy blows a raspberry. “Step away! I know mom is thrilled you’re here. And I want to get to know my dad….dad… I can finally say that! ‘Hey, this is my dad!’ ‘Have you met my dad?’ I just…I can’t believe you’re here and not….not here.”

Clever way of saying dead.

“Me too, Poppy.”

“Mom, I know I said I would meet my friends, but-” she glances back at me and then smiles, giving me a knowing wink “-but I..will be going…to meet up with…Benny. Yeah, he’s uh probably waiting. For me. So I’ll just…grab my things and leave you two…alone…”

She is so not slick, but I love her so much. 

She gives me another wink before fully turning to Joel. “We can hangout and talk more?”

“I look forward to it.”

She squeals and gives him one more hug before bounding across the hall to her room and reemerging only a handful of minutes later with a backpack. 

“Poppy?”

“Mom?”

“Stay for dinner at least. Then you can meet up with your friends.”

“Ugh, mom. You’re smothering me.” She has a smile while she says it, casually tossing her bag down before sitting next to Joel. 

I make dinner while they talk, Poppy telling him about her life and asking him a zillion questions about his. He seems to be able to talk about Sarah now, at least a little before Poppy tactfully changes the topic. They talk throughout dinner, laughing and joking, sounds I never thought I’d hear together. Eventually, Poppy leaves to hang out with her friends, excited to tell them about her dad. As soon as the door closes, Joel turns to me.

“Who’s Benny?”

Protective dad mode activated I see. Smiling, I tell him about Benny and how he’s a good guy and about he and Poppy. He seems more relaxed after but still in protective dad mode.

“I’ll have to meet him.”

“I’m sure you won’t have the choice not to.”

Dishes cleaned up, I offer Joel a glass of whiskey and he takes it, tasting a sip before setting it down on the coffee table as he relaxes back into the couch again.

“You and Ellie have a place to stay?”

“Yeah. Tommy and Maria gave us a house. Actually, it’s not too far from here I don’t think.”

“That’s great. I’m sure Ellie will be happy to have a more permanent place to live.”

“And her own room that she can slam the door to.”

We chat for a few minutes about parenting teenage daughters and the challenges it can bring. He takes another sip of his whiskey after telling me a bit about Ellie, or what he learned about her on their long trek anyway. It’s quiet between us again, but this time, I’m warmed by the whiskey and given a slight bit of confidence.

“In love.”

“What?” Joel asks, setting his glass down.

“From before. In love. Not was.”

He turns to me fully, his eyes raking across my face trying to detect a lie and finding none. 

“It’s been 20 years, sweetheart. I don’t expect anythin’-”

“It’s always been you, Joel.”

His large hand cups the back of my head and pulls me to him, his lips crashing against mine and it’s like no time has passed, my lips immediately parting for him like they were created for just this purpose. His other hand comes up to cradle the other side of my head as my fingers cling to his shirt, trying to find purchase on literally anything. I feel like I’m falling but in the most glorious way possible. While I never gave up hope that he was alive, having him here, now, 20 years later, how we both defied odds to just end up in the same community, after the world had been torn apart…

He pulls back, his nose brushing against mine. “I never stopped loving you either, sweetheart.”

My hands slide up his chest and around his neck, gripping the curls at the back of his neck and feeling him groan as he slips his tongue in my mouth again, kissing me harder than before. I feel his fingers gently brush against the exposed skin at my hips, his hands having settled there and I can’t help the moan that escapes me. Joel’s touch has always sent electricity through me, but not having had it for 20 years is a whole new level. 

“I don’t mean to be presumptuous, sweetheart, but-”

“My bedroom is down the hall, second door on the right.”

He smiles against my lips, chuckling darkly. “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

—----

>>I Never Stopped Living You Part 2>>

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage! (It is not required in any way!)

Original Idea from @theewokingdead:

"I have had this idea for a long-lost love refound fic with Joel Miller swimming around in my head for a while, but I don't think I'll ever get in the headspace to write it. So enjoy what I wish I could write and hope someone will steal. Warning: mention of pregnancy in the beginning.

Imagine it's September 26, 2013. You've been dating Joel for a while and, oops, you're pregnant. You're a flurry of emotions and have no idea how or when you're going to tell him. He calls you late that night, on his way home from a hellish day at the jobsite, telling you about the prick of a contractor he's been dealing with and can't risk losing his job. When he asks if you've checked in on Sarah you tell him that she's fine and you're sorry you were feeling too ill to stay with her today. When he inquires further about your illness, you opt not to say anything, not like this, not when he's had a shit day, and instead feign that everything is okay and you'll be fine. The call is interrupted by Tommy, and you insist Joel answer his call. He offers to call you back, but you tell him to go home and get some rest, that you'll hopefully see him tomorrow.

Of course, several hours later, all hell breaks loose. You manage to get a call through to Joel, telling you to stay put, that he'll come for you, then you lose connection. Joel never finds you, but you never lose hope.

Two decades later, you're living in Jackson, having crossed paths with Tommy a year earlier when he returned to Texas, where you never strayed far from. You overhear the talk - that Tommy Miller's brother is in town - but bandits attack before you can find the source of the rumor. Later, you find Tommy as he puts a horse away in the stable, and you question if it's true, that Joel is here, and he reluctantly tells you he was. You ask if he told Joel that you're here and he says that he did. Your heart sinks - of course he wouldn't still love you after all these years, but why wouldn't he at least want to see you before he left? You ask if he told Joel about your daughter - his daughter - and Tommy says no, that it shouldn't come from his mouth. You're furious, thinking maybe Joel would've stayed in town if he had known that he has a daughter. You let Tommy have it, and eventually he tells you why Joel was in town and why he left, about Ellie and the hope to find a cure. Finally, you come to your senses, realizing there are far more important matters, and try to move on from dreaming about having a little family with a man you never stopped loving.

Months later, you're walking around town when you run into Joel. There are a million different ways the reunion could go. How would you tell him about your shared daughter? How would he feel? Would he be pissed at Tommy for knowing and not telling him when he first came to Jackson? Would he be angry you didn't tell him that night when he called, before the Outbreak? Would he have done anything differently that night had he known - things that could've changed the trajectory of his entire life? Would he wonder if it would have kept you guys together as a family? Would he wonder if it would have even kept Sarah from suffering the fate she suffered? Would he blame you for it? I just imagine it would be one big emotional reunion. How would it end? I don't know. I just love a good re-found love fic - be it happy or sad. I love angst. I love an emotional Joel. It could be fun. But I'll never get around to writing it so let's just pretend I did 😭"

General Taglist:

@frankie-catfish-morales @chaoticgeminate @janebby @astoryisaloveaffair @balekanemohafe @greeneyedblondie44 @hoeforthefictional @marvelousmermaid @Hauntedmama @giuliarogers-blog @icanbeyourjedi @diaryofkali @sunnshineeexoxo @livingmydreams13 @adventures-of-a-noodle @sara-alonso @theewokingdead @punkerthanpascal @giggly-otter @f0rever15elf @phandoz @dirtytissuebox @jadore-andor @gallowsjoker @lovesbiggerthanpride @sarahmilesbendrix @booksarekindaneat @mrsudontknowme @swol-bear @charlispersonallyhell @xoxabs88xox @amneris21 @gooddaykate @alindeluce @avengers-fixation @paintballkid711 @harriedandharassed   @ladykatakuri @marrianena  @practicalghost @withakindheartx @batdarkladyvampir @justanotherkpopstanlol   @mermaidxatxheart @alexxavicry @ichigodjarin 

[oceanwithinsblog]

every day that passes we're getting closer and closer to the final episodes of doctor who s14 (or s1, whatever) (i'm also in denial WTH does it mean that this season is almost over ????)

so before i forget (and before the last two episodes drop) i NEED to vent a bit about this season. the following are just my personal opinions (which might change after watching the season finale), please bear with me ^^

first of all - i am so glad doctor who is back !!! i must admit that my doctor who drought lasted for around 5 months as i got introduced to the show back in late summer 2023 and did a speed run of all nuwho seasons between september and november 2023. i got super excited for the december specials !! and i was even more surprised and thrilled when i found out a new season of dw was premiering in may 2024 !! i know i've been lucky to wait for so little to get immersed in a new dw season but i truly, truly missed it and i enjoyed every episode of s14 <3 now i'm sad to think that this is about to end, but it felt so good to finally see the doctor back in action and to get through each week thinking that one of my favorite characters/storylines/universes was gonna be there for me on the weekend <3 i love dw so much <3

#2 idk about you but i fell so easily for ncuti as the doctor and millie as ruby/the companion TT they're both so good, i really appreciated their acting this season and i would also say that it's probably one the (few) things that positively shocked me this time around. i guess it was a bit unfair for me to think that ruby wasn't my cup of tea after watching just 'the church on ruby road' ep because she totally surprised me this season. she's so great! millie's acting is on point, so captivating and funny to watch throughout the show. i can't wait to find out more about her character fr! well, what's to say about ncuti as the doctor .. ohmy oh my .. i don't think i've ever seen a doctor so confident, so flirtatious, so proud in themselves .. ncuti's doctor exudes charisma and i'm so here for it. that's absolutely not to say that the doctor's worries, traums etc. magically disappear (they're still very present and influence their every move), but what i loved the most about his acting is that he goes all the way into it. fifteen may become one of my favorite doctors ngl (say hi to eleven and ten) and i am so looking forward to where they're gonna take us next <3

#3 as for writing, i feel that something's missing ... don't get me wrong, i love rtd's cool nice funny episodes and seeing the doctor face a range of diverse situations (even the most unthinkable ones, e.g. space babies) is just priceless.. but there's some kind of void in it, too. now that i think about it, maybe it's not the writing itself but the length of the season - having less than 10 episodes doesn't really give us much time and space to properly explore the dynamics between characters, strengthen their relationships and make them grow both individually and as a whole. besides, i admit that i'm a bit biased, but i loved (most of) moffat's writing for the seasons he was a showrunner of and i personally would love to see ncuti bringing to life more stories written by moffat (yes..i know he wrote 'boom' for s14). basically, i miss 'old' nuwho seasons of 18+ episodes where we could get even more affectionate to the characters and the adventures that defined their journey through the multiverse T___T

before i move on to my last point, may i also add (storyline-wise) that i wished the episodes were more interconnected with each other? not necessarily with the narration, even just with easter eggs ^^" idk maybe moffat got me used to have high expectations lol (i'm still eager to find out who the lady appearing in all episodes is !!!! may this dw finale give us all the answers we need)

#4 i would have never thought i would write this (mainly because i would have never thought there could come a time when these gadget weren't going to be used as much) BUT I DEARLY MISS THE TARDIS AND THE SCREWDRIVER WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM ?!?!?! i loved previous doctors goofing around with their sonic screwdrivers and running in the tardis allowing us (the audience) to find out more and more about the endless number of rooms in it ... why does it seem like fourteen doesn't love their tools ?? why don't they show them more throughout the season ?? this is like classic items that can't miss in the episodes so WERE IS THAT SILLY GOOFY STUFF ?? also, as much as i enjoy fourteen and ruby going on adventures in different time periods etc. why aren't they EVER showed inside the TARDIS travelling and waiting to get to their destination ?? i'm just very nostalgic (i took this very personally, i'm sorry i'm just angry at rtd)

well - i guess that's it! if you've read this far, thank you for reading me <3 let me know what you think about it and what you're expecting for the next couple episodes of s14 <3

ps. i'm very hopeful that rogue will be a recurring character <3

pps. ncuti gave the queers the most fruity doctor ever (no shade to all previous doctors, you've served and delivered and we love u immensiely) <33

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Currently Watching - December

aka The Masterlist

Because I love a good little list - in alphabetical order! 😊

Regularly updated during the month, latest update 24.12.2023

A little link to my favorite bl-tropes-collection 💙

I am happy about gif-requests 🌼

Here you can find all of my gifs.

And if you want to show me something you think I might like, just let me know with #josistag

At the end you can have a look at what we can expect in September with MDL link and a link for a trailer (if avaible).

This is guaranteed to contain spoilers!

1. 7 Days before Valentine (1/12 WeTV)

Hm... This was not what I expected. The acting was a little bit over the top. I don't know if I can stand Sunshine. The feeling this first episode gave me was kinda off. I don't know. Right now I don't know if I want to keep watching it.

2. BL Drama no Shuen ni Narimashita: Crank Up Hen (1/3 on Gaga)

This series gives me so much joy! I wasn't expecting this being so funny! It is hilarious, a little bit cringy, but for the right amount and not over the top. It is really a blast. The characters are lovable and the managers are the best 😂 I am really enjoying myself with this one.

3. Cherry Magic (3/12 on Youtube)

I love the japanese version and I try to not compare those two with each other. So far I am doing quite well. I liked the first epiosde. I like Tay as this absolutely whipped character. And for now I am hating GMMTV for a lousing contract and the Japan's network for copyright strinking the series so we international fans aren't able to watch the series anymore on legal sites...

4. Cityboy_Log (11/? on Youtube)

Soon-to-be Idols, actors and models vlog their days of photo shoots and meetups and how they fall in love with each other. It is surprisingly good and the acting is excellent. It really feels like a "real" vlog and that is what we are all here for. I really enjoy those four men on my screen.

5. Cooking Crush (2/12 on Youtube)

I have to admit beside Not Me, I am not the biggest fan of OffGun. Their slapstick humour is just not mine. I can't get the right feeling for this series right now. I will wait and see how it turns out with more episodes... Guess I'll drop this one soon if I am not watching the next episode and catch up on the already aired ones...

6. Dead Friend Forever (1/12 on iQiyi)

Do I like horror? Nope, not at all. But so far I had fun with the first episode. Everytime there was some suypence I just looked away and as long as there are no creepy sounds I am good. The plot gives such a typical highschool/college horror vibe and I kind of like it.

7. For Him (1/12 on iQiyi)

I don't know if I will keep up with this one. Actingwise it is not that bad. We have to wait a bit for a deeper story. Right now it is just friends with benefits and I really hope there is something more to come. But a safe-sex-policy! I like that. And I forgot about this one... Guess it was a little bit much these past weeks. I don't know if I'll drop this at the end of the month or not...

8. Last Twilight (8/12 on Youtube)

I got fucking emotional when Mhok read from The Little Prince and they had this whole big conversation through the book and I am in tears just thinking about it. The Little Prince is very special to me. The series is so soft and so good! The friendship that they build up, the trust between them, the looks, the tension! I love it! And Mhok is the biggest green flag, disguised as a red flag ever! He is the warmest person ever!

9. Pit Babe (7/13 on Youtube)

Ladies and Gentlemen! We have an Omegaverse! I am still in shock! I usually don't dive into the omegaverse, but I did read some webtoons. I am curious how they'll play it out. What the hell was this conversation about wanting kids? Is there mpreg? Why do I have to think about such stuff... It would be something different indeed. But perhaps they wanted to have some fun with us...

10. Playboyy (6/14 on Gaga)

I am intrigued! I needed to call my best friend and tell her about what I have seen. Not just the amount of sex and masturbation and wet dreams, but the way it is filmed. I am intruígued! It looks like a romantic dream combined with porn. It is so artsy and it feels like watching a ballet. In it the dance explains the plot and here the sex, the camera, the lightning and everything around the plot describe the plot. It is so good!

11. Sahara Sensei to Toki-kun (3/8 on Gaga)

Toki is a little bit over the top for me, a little bit too goofy, but the obverall first impression was not that bad. And to be honest who didn't have a crush on a teacher during their school time? Mine was my german teacher in 10th grade. He was young and he wore leather pants. He was cool and really good at his job. I loved learning at that time.

12. The Sign (6/12 on Youtube)

I am already in love with this series! Mystical elements, a good chemistry between the actors, some fighting, naked men... What else could I wish for... Oh yeah, and an accidental kiss 😂 But I still enjoyed it so much!

13. Twins (9/12 on Gaga)

I don't know what it is. The story is... nothing special. The acting is okayish. Sprite's/Zee's facial expression need some time to get used to. And yet, I like this show! It is one of my most anticipated watches of the week. I like First and I LOVE enemies to lovers 😅 It is one of my weak spots!

Finished in December

Series

1. Boys Like Boys (10/10 on Gaga)

This taiwanese dating show accompaniese eight men on their six days journey to find love. All the contestants were so lovable and nice and unique. I enjoyed this show very much! My romance-heart had been fed over the past weeks with this show and with the last episode it got a suger overdose 😅 Because this is a dating show and not a regular series, my rating is a little bit simpe. I liked it so it gets 10 out of 10 points.

2. Bake me please (6/6 on Gaga)

This series is so good! It gave me a good feeling over the weeks. Even though the drama in episode five was a little bit too manufactured and a bit too much, I enjoyed the show. It made my sundays something special and gave me a real warm feeling. I can just recommend it to watch (perhaps binge it while eating delicious cake and drink some hot chocolate). I will miss it! And I liked Ohm and Guide together! Peach was such a sweetheart and his smiles made me smile. Guy... I loved you, than I hated you and in the end I just liked you... You lost me in episode 5... Because it made me feel so good, I give it a 10 out of 10.

Movie

Short Film

Dropped/On-Hold in December

Looking forward to in December

I Feel You Linger in the Air Special: Scent of Memory - Trailer (Dec 17th)

Cherry Magic - Trailer (Dec 9th)

It's complicated - Trailer (Dec 14th)

Colorful Melody - Trailer (Dec 16th)

Dead Friend Forever - DFF - Teaser (Dec 23rd)

BL Drama no Shuen ni Narimashita: Crank Up Hen (Dec 24th)

1626 (Dec 24th)

Wuju Bakery - Teaser (Dec)

Night Dream - Teaser (Dec)

[spurgie-cousin]

Do you remember the big bates / Duggar baby boom a few years back, when it seemed like (even more than usual) everybody was announcing the name for their baby like as SOON as they found out the gender? I remember personally thinking at the time that was kind of an annoying thing to do, or if nothing else kind of a shame because by the time the baby got here there wasn’t really any fun new news to share/learn. Also all the times we have ever been annoyed by names that feel too close to an existing name (Evy/Evie being the most notable).

I do still think it’s nice to save the name for birth (fundie or otherwise)…..BUT I just want to issue a personal mea culpa to the fundieverse—as a first time pregnant person expecting at the same time as both of my older sisters (both of them have 1-2 kids already and both are due before me)—I really do get why that happened.

We are due end of September, are having a boy, and settled on our name (first and middle) several weeks ago. We are waiting to announce the name til birth, but I had shared the first name as one on our short list with my mom and oldest sister when we were still deciding. And when I tell you I am SO paranoid that my middle sister (due with her first boy, second child, in August) is going to use our name before we get a chance to—i mean I am pretty chill overall but the fear she will steal our name is maybe my most intrusive thought.

It would be VERY on brand for this sister to do that (either intentionally or because she heard it thrown around as a brainstorm suggestion in conversation with my mom or something and got incepted into stealing it kind of unintentionally). And the thing is, if that happens what can you do?? Are you going to hold it against the baby? Respond with “wtf” and try to get the fam on your side against your sibling minutes after they birthed this innocent life into the world? No way. You’ve got no recourse.

Anyway. Just want to say as someone who never considered announcing a name before birth, I am now considering announcing internally to the family just to be sure my sister due before me doesn’t steal our baby name. And I only have 2 sisters pregnant at the same time as me, not like 7 or however many it has been at once in these families. I also formally forgive all parties the Evy/Evie ordeal. Those kids will have a million cousins and they live across the damn country from each other. Once you’ve settled on a name and feel a little bit bonded with that baby in your belly, it’s hard to let it go and just pick something else.

Not really an ask I guess just…another example of *these are real people with very bad and harmful beliefs and occasionally very cringy behaviors, but also—sometimes they’re just human and we are perhaps a bit quick to be harsh*? Idk felt like it belonged on fundie tumblr but I don’t really have a blog so sent it to you feel free to just skip or delete!!

Yea I agree lol, I remember being sooooo annoyed with all the speculated name drama for that exact reason, like truly. There's a portion of the fundie snark community that desperately needs these women to be having some kind of secret Real Housewives-level of drama going on between them at all times because they view it all as entertainment, and the women as characters. And that's not to say I don't believe any of those people ever have conflict with each other, but to assume things like someone giving their child a name they'll have forever just to spite someone or with no evidence like.......come on lol.

And like you mentioned with the name announcement thing, I think people forget that these women are also a part of communities with similar values, so in addition to their humongous families, they're also probably getting birth announcements from friends/acquaintances every other heartbeat. So who knows why any of them chose to announce things like names when they did, maybe it was to steal spotlight from a sister like so many snarkers thought, or maybe it was just for the 100000 other reasons people decide when to do that stuff. I just don't relate to their need to immediately find a negative explanation for these kinds of things.

Idk I have so much to say about this subject that I just can't articulate right now because I have a million things to do atm, but there's a whole other conversation we could have about how much misogyny pops up in the snarking community, even though it is supposedly a very feminist place. I don't know how else to describe it right now except that it's often the same vibe as when people say rancid shit about fat folks online and then justify it with "i JuSt WaNt YoU tO bE hEaLtHy" y'know

[lunafiorewrites]

The statement of Charlie Fisher about the preternatural incident that occurred on August 11, 1999.

Read on: AO3||Medium

Content Warnings: body horror, eating things one shouldn't

[Recording Begins]

<Tape recorder clicks on. A metal fan whirs in the background. Cloth rubs against wood. Someone clears their throat.>

Charlie: So <pause> do I just tell you what happened or <pause> I don’t even know what to say or if it was real or —

Bertie: Just a moment. <clears throat> For the record, my name is Bertie <sigh> Bertha Batson. Today is September 2, 1999, and I am here with Charlotte —

Charlie: Charlie is fine. I’ve never much liked Charlotte. Always thought it was too much for me.

Bertie: Hm. Yes. Charlie suits you better. Where were we — ah, yes. I am here with Charlie Fisher to record her version of the events that happened on August 11, 1999. Note: a formal statement was given by Ms. Fisher to the Darkwood Sheriff’s Office, but they are unlikely to follow up any further. A copy of the report will be included with this statement file. <paper shuffling> You may begin.

Charlie: Oh, right now? I <nervous laugh> I don’t know where to start. Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m here. Wyatt told me I might want to make another statement and I didn’t really want to but I just…I don’t know, I was walking down the street after getting a coffee from Diane’s — a hot coffee with caramel and whipped cream, I don’t know how Evelyn always manages to know what I want without me saying it but —

Bertie: <clears throat>

Charlie: Sorry. I just didn’t expect to come here but I…did.

Bertie: Perhaps you’d like to get this off your chest. Knowledge can be a hefty burden.

Charlie: Do you always take weird statements then? Like I know Darkwood has some messed up stories but I didn’t think things like this actually happen. Definitely not to me.

Bertie: I take statements from anyone who wishes.

Charlie: <deep breath> Okay. I guess I should get on with mine then. I, um, suppose I should start with the end of the school year. It was the last week. I’m going to be a Senior next year. Pop’s been harping on me to take things serious. To think about what I’m going to put on my college apps. Tells me if I don’t, I’ll be stuck here like them and there ‘ain’t much for a girl my age but waitressin’ and fishin’ if I had the stomach for it.’ He’s not wrong, I guess, so I wanted to have a little fun. Party a little on the weekends. Sneak out and go to the gas station, smoke a little behind the dumpsters. I mean, teenage stuff, really. I’m sure my dad got up to some things too.

Bertie: As all teenagers do.

Charlie: Right! Unfortunately, I, um, got involved in a…situation. I’m sure everyone knows about it by now. Small town and all. Someone got hurt. None of us meant for it to happen but for Pop, it was a last straw. He decided I should spend my summer giving back to the community. He signed me up to volunteer at the turtle hospital. You know that place?

Bertie: The Darkwood Sea Turtle Hospital and Rescue, run by Caretta Chelonde and established in February of 1970.

Charlie: Yeah. He signed me up to volunteer there. We’ve done the turtle walks before when I was a kid…when Ma was still alive. I used to love searching for nests. Marking them off so folks wouldn’t hurt them, and putting up barriers to protect them from predators. Always felt like I was doing something important. And every year, when it was time for them to hatch, we’d go in the middle of the night and wait. Even if it took multiple nights, we’d go and just wait for them to hatch. Somehow, I think it always happened during a full moon. The whole beach would light up and you could see the tiny shapes moving through the sand down to the water. <sighs> Sorry, I got off track again.

Bertie: It’s fine, Charlie. This is your story. Tell it.

Charlie: Right. <pause> Ms. Caretta was happy to have me even though I wasn’t happy to be there. I thought losing my entire summer was unfair, but I thought at the time ‘at least he wasn’t taking me out on the boat.’ I might have preferred fishing in the end. Anyway, I met Edwin during orientation. He is…was…a student at UNCW. Marine Biology. Said he originally moved from Asheville to be here, to be close to the sea. I remember when I asked him why the sea over the mountains, he told me they scared the hell out of him. <snorts> Maybe if he had lived in Darkwood, he would’ve run for the safety of the mountains.

<The sound of a paper cup being moved across the table. A pause. Someone sips their drink. Places the cup back down on the table.>

Charlie: We had from Diane’s down to pier three. About a two mile walk every morning, looking for nests. Edwin also brought equipment to clean up trash and we reported any beach equipment left behind. He always complained out loud about tourists not following rules and ruining the beaches. I rolled my eyes as if his ranting annoyed me, but I agreed with him. I’ve always hated how folks come and do whatever they like, not caring about the mess they leave behind. About the damage they can cause. But Darkwood isn’t very kind to tourists anyway. Did you know we have a high disappearance rate? Like, higher than most places especially since we’re small in terms of tourist spots.

Bertie: Doesn’t matter how little town is, not enough people respect the Sea, least of all, tourists.

Charlie: <snorts> You sound like dad.

Bertie: It’s the truth. The sea is not kind and will take as it sees fit, but that’s neither here nor there. You were doing the turtle walks.

Charlie: Right. Um, things were fine. Normal. We’d meet up at six in the morning every day, which I hated by the way, and we’d go for breakfast at Diane’s when we were done. He’d demolish a loaded omelette and french toast and talk my ear off about endangered turtle populations. I didn’t mind though. I kind of liked talking to him. Even told him about why I was volunteering. Thought that would change how he saw me, but he just shrugged and said, ‘everyone makes stupid mistakes, it’s about what you do after that matters.’ I laughed it off at the time, but I liked that he didn’t judge me harshly. Felt like he gave me more of a chance than my own Pop. I think I really started liking Edwin then. I thought maybe…well…you know…

Bertie: You had a crush on him.

<Shoes scuff against wood floor. Something thuds on the table.>

Charlie: Yeah, I did. Doubt anything would have come of it, but I liked to think it might. Maybe we’d keep in touch until I graduated and then I’d go to the same school, and we’d have an apartment together. All of that. Maybe it was stupid.

Bertie: Fairly normal for a girl your age.

Charlie: <blows out a breath> Yeah, maybe. Anyway, we finally found a nest and Edwin was so excited and though I didn’t say it out loud, I was too.

Bertie: Do you remember the date?

Charlie: Um… <fingers tapping against the table surface> early June, I think. The hospital should have the date logged because we called it in on the walkie talkie immediately.

Bertie: I see. <pen scratching against paper> Continue.

Charlie: We checked on that nest every day. Made sure no one messed with it or that no predators had managed to get to the eggs. Weirdly enough, no other nests showed up on our route. Usually there are a few, I mean sea turtles nest more than once a year, so I was surprised there were no other clutches close by when other volunteers reported having several. Edwin didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he seemed…I don’t know…strange once we found the nest.

Bertie: Strange, how?

Charlie: He just…sometimes he’d stop and stare at the nest and I’d have to do the rest of the walk alone, I’d come back and he was in the same place. As if he hadn’t moved that entire time. There were times he said how much he wished he could pull the eggs out of the sand, to hold them and study them. When I’d remind him that was illegal, he’d promise he was joking and smile at me but the smile…there was something wrong with it. With him. I didn’t look forward to meeting up with him anymore, everything about him just made me…uneasy.

Bertie: Did you tell anyone?

Charlie: I told Caretta, but she told me he was just excited. But I didn’t think so. Something felt off to me. I thought about going to Pop, but I knew he would just accuse me of trying to get out of it. When school started again, I thought I could stop. That Edwin could take over the walks since I had to be to class on time. There were no other nests and the season was almost over, you know? <sigh> But Pop had already told the school what I was doing and Caretta had sent over a letter, so they granted me late arrival privileges since my grades have never been a problem. I was stuck. Finishing what I started.

<Sound of someone drinking.>

Charlie: I couldn’t wait for these eggs to hatch. Then this would be over. Edwin would leave and that would be it. But he got weirder. He started sleeping on the beach weeks before the eggs would even hatch. We didn’t meet at Diane’s anymore. I’d find him at the nest, exactly where I left him the day before. I didn’t bother trying to talk to him anymore. He didn’t respond. Didn’t even look at me. I’d do the walks on my own and count down the days. Sometimes I’d walk by and I’d swear I heard him whispering to the nest, but he’d stop when I got too close. Then…um… <breathes shakily> that night happened.

Bertie: Do you need a moment?

Charlie: No, I’m fine, I think. I remember there was supposed to be an eclipse that day. Everyone was excited but, of course, it stormed all day so we couldn’t see it. I worried briefly about whether or not Edwin was okay, but I didn’t want to go there and find out either. I was feeling really tired so I went to bed early. The rain put me right to sleep but I woke in the middle of the night. Everything was dark. That really hazy kind of dark where you’re not sure if you’re completely awake. Edwin was there. Standing over me. I think I asked him what he was doing there, but when his mouth moved, I couldn’t hear him. I tried to move but I couldn’t. There was a pressure, it didn’t hurt, but it kept me pressed down into the bed. It didn’t go away until Edwin touched my cheek. Then I heard him loud and clear. “It’s time,” he said. I wanted to ask him ‘time for what’ but he was already walking out of my room. I thought it was all a dream really so I got out of bed and followed him down the hall to my front door. He opened it, gesturing for me to follow him. I did. I stepped out of my front door and right onto the damp sand of the beach, and when I turned to look behind me, my house wasn’t there.

Bertie: Refresh my memory, where do you live?

Charlie: Hill Road. Back towards Hafter’s Woods.

<Pen scratching against paper.>

Bertie: A few miles from the beach then.

Charlie: Yeah. I…somehow knew then that I wasn’t dreaming but I knew I possibly couldn’t have just…appeared there. But I felt the cold sand under my feet and the ocean smell…what is that called? Brine? Brine-y? It was stronger than normal. Like someone had dunked my head in a barrel of fish and shrimp and held it there. The night was clear but dark. I thought it was a new moon, but I looked up and saw the bright ring of light around the moon. There was no way the eclipse was happening in the middle of the night, but I was staring right at it. And I think it was staring back at me. There was…a sense of being watched. Not just watched but seen. The dark moon was like a giant eye, focused on me. Almost as if it was judging me. As if it knew everything about me there was to know. But it didn’t feel malicious. More…curious, I guess. Like it was wondering what I was going to do.

Charlie (cont’d): I heard the sand shifting and I finally broke eye contact, to see what Edwin was doing. He was digging into the sand to the nest. I think I was going to tell him to stop but I didn’t say anything at all. Like I knew whatever was going to happen was supposed to happen and I couldn’t do anything about it. So I just watched as he clawed through the sand to the clutch. The eggs looked like normal sea turtle eggs at first but as I looked closer I saw the black veins pulsating in the thin membrane under the shell. Something in my head screamed that I should destroy them. Stomp the shells until whatever was inside them was dead, but I couldn’t move at all. I could only watch as Edwin picked up the first one and <audibly swallows> popped it into his mouth.

<Charlie lets out a shaky breath.>

Charlie: I waited for him to chew it. To crunch the shell in his teeth and hatch whatever monster grew in that egg on his tongue, but he swallowed. Again and again. He tilted his head back as if he wanted me to watch the bulge in this throat move lower and lower. The sound of him swallowing and choking, I still hear it sometimes — if I let a room get silent enough. I even play music when I sleep now because I just…can’t <chokes back a sob> I can’t stand to hear it anymore.

<A chair scrapes. Light footsteps grow faint and then return. Something soft is placed on the table.>

Charlie: <sniffs> Thank you.

Bertie: We’re almost done, Charlie, keep going.

Charlie: One by one, he swallowed the eggs, and I watched every single one. I felt like I had to watch. I had to witness what was happening in front of me or I wasn’t…doing it right, I guess? His stomach started to bulge and expand with every egg until he looked like he was about to pop. Or hatch. There was one egg left. Edwin held it up to me. His eyes, they…they were black and his pupils were ringed with that orange light just like the moon. He smiled as he offered me the egg. I, um… <voice trembles> I almost took it. My hand started to reach for it before a voice in my head screamed at me to stop. I shook my head instead. He looked more disappointed than angry, and he just swallowed that egg too.

Charlie (cont’d): I watched as he took a step towards the water. The eggs rattled around in his stomach, sounding like that cage you use for bingo. Black veins spread from his protruding belly button, pulsing and spreading with each step he took. The ocean, I had just realized, was still. There were no waves, neither here nor far in the distance. The water didn’t move at all, not even when Edwin started to walk in. All I could do was watch as the water reached his knees then his hips then his chest. And then finally, it closed over his head and I just…collapsed, I think. I don’t really remember anything until I woke up on the beach on the next morning.

Bertie: It said in the report that you were found.

Charlie: Rosalyn found me. Shook me awake just before the tide reached me. Edwin and the nest were both gone. Of course they were. Rosalyn didn’t ask me what happened. She just helped me up and walked me to Diane’s before calling Wyatt. The diner wasn’t open, but Evelyn was already there with coffee as if she knew to expect me. Wyatt came and took my statement. Rosalyn drove me home. I started to get out of the car — all I wanted to do was shower and crash at that point — but she stopped me. “One day this will make sense,” she said, and patted me on the shoulder. <sharp laugh> I don’t know what part of this will ever fucking make sense — sorry. All I know is one messed up encounter is one too many and I can’t wait to get out of this place and never come back.

<Recorder clicks off>

<Recorder clicks on>

Bertie: A supplemental to the previous statement. Wyatt visited the rescue’s facility a few days after Ms. Fisher had given her original statement and found that Caretta Chelonde had left for vacation a few days before the incident, but the volunteers were excited for her return as she was said to be bringing her grandchildren to the island for the first time. None of the other volunteers knew of anyone named Edwin, but after a few calls to the university, found a few students by that name and one that had recently been reported as missing: an Edwin Essvel, twenty-one years old. No further action will be taken, but I am including this information in the report. Regardless, whoever this Edwin was, he will not be found again.

<Paper shuffling>

Bertie: Due to the nature of this incident, I will be bringing this to [static bursts making this section unintelligible] attention. There are a few details about this incident that concern me as I believe Ms. Fisher glimpsed a piece of [static bursts making this section unintelligible] and while she is understandably shaken, is otherwise unscathed by the encounter. I believe it is prudent to keep an eye on her <soft chuckle> and I am sure I’m not the only one doing so. End of report.

[Recording Ends]

[sebs-studies]

Unsolicited advice from a second year uni student

Since it's now September and most people I know will be heading either back to school or gearing up for university. And if anyone did what I did they might look at Tumblr to get some studying/life ideas (I did this during my A-levels and ended up making my own blog!). So I wanted to give some general advice from my perspective to anyone who might want it - also this will be specific to the UK but some of it is just general too. Also I want to be able to look back on this since I went back through my blog recently and realised I may have needed this advice even just a year ago.

For those who are about to go to university do not panic (cliché I know) but seriously. You will survive the first year I promise! It obviously varies from person to person and between unis and degrees but the first year will generally be a massive adjustment period in your life. And that will likely impact your mental health. This is totally normal. I got major impostor syndrome the first few months of uni. It wasn't until semester 2 that I started to feel comfortable. And largely because if was an entirely new way of learning and teaching, I had to completely relearn how to study, whilst also learning how to live on my own, and living in a new city and making friends.

You will make friends, it might not be immediately but you will find someone before the end of your first year. I got blessed by chance in making friends, but I know lots of people who it took the entire year to find their people. The unfortunate part of this advice is to make friends you do have to go outside and meet them (and I don't always mean going out drinking although this is definitely an option). Look for societies and clubs at your uni this will be 100% an easy way to meet people. And especially especially in the first few weeks of uni go to the welcome/fresher/first year events. I avoided them because I was anxious but turns out they're an amazing way to meet people because guess what? Everyone else is just as anxious as you are!

Expect your grades to go down at first and don't be discouraged, you can and will get those grades back up. And even if you don't (given that you are passing) it doesn't matter. Grades, especially at grad level are kind of inconsequential for most people. Two things to be mindful of are if you are going for a work placement or study abroad year (if you live in the UK) as first year grades do matter for those. Something no one will probably tell you till it's too late. But even then for most study programs you only need a 60% in your first year. And to just progress you only need a 40% (at most unis double check yours). Point being if there's ever a time for your grades to go down it's now, don't panic, your degree isn't over, you're not an impostor, you deserve to be here.

Everyone is struggling just as much as you are. Don't be fooled by Instagram or whatever. Even though I am guilty of it, we only show the nice parts of our lives online. When I get most stressed I step back from this blog, and you guys don't see the tears, sleepless nights, frustrating, and also kind of gross parts of being a student. So don't be fooled if Amanda from your seminar seems to have a perfect life on her Instagram, chances are she hasn't got it as together as you think, and you are no less better than anyone else in the room.

Save money anyway you can!!! I cannot stress this enough but one of the students biggest issues is spending. I'm guilty too but do your best especially in the first year to not overspend too much. Still enjoy yourself 100%, but do you really need to take out five times a week? Or the new shoes? Trust me by the time you get to your second year and your savings or your loan is gone you'll be wishing you held back a little.

If you are struggling. Talk to someone. For uni students, go to your mentor, academic lead, or look up the mental health service at your uni. Every uni (in the UK) has a mental health team. I know many of us are disillusioned with student support networks but I mean this when I say uni support systems are better funded, more rigorous and it serves them to support you. You are not just a student at the university, you are a customer paying a lot of money to be there. It's important that you are happy and you are progressing, otherwise both you and the uni lose! Don't be afraid to speak up when you need it, there will be someone there.

For UK students look up student groups for your university of Facebook. I'm being 100% serious when I say there is a gold mine of info on Facebook for unis. I never ever post on Facebook but it is so useful for staying in the know on events, stuff currently happening, and lots of student groups are pretty funny/gossipy. Some unis even have pages giving away free stuff from previous students, i.e. crockery, kitchen stuff, speakers etc. I managed to save some decent money on these groups. Also if you're into clubbing this is a pretty good way to learn where the good spots are in your city ;)

Romanticism will only go so far. Don't exhaust yourself on how you look. At the end of the day if you are getting the job done who cares if you did it hunched over a bag of cold McDonalds at 3 am? It's no better than someone with a green smoothie at a coffee shop.

I say a lot of this because my first semester was an emotional rollercoaster. During my GCSEs to A-Levels I thrived academically and then coming to Uni I felt like I was so out of my depth. And it wasn't until the second year I realised that this is, a) normal, and b) not that deep! So you scored a little low on an essay? Take the advice and work on the next one. You had some awkward conversation at a uni event? Everyone has forgotten about it already, give a different event a go. One of my favourite things about university is that it is surprisingly low consequence (in the grand scheme of things). Making mistakes won't end you it's okay. I know everyone on studyblr is a perfectionist but give yourself some leniency please. Anyway that's enough of my ranting. To be honest I expect no one to read this. But I am curious how I'll update it in a year's time once I'm going into third year.

If anyone has any questions about university my DMs are open. (I actually am now a paid guide for welcoming first years so it is literally my job lol).

[korgbelmont]

Choices Summer Updates

I admit, I didn't expect to be doing a post like this until next week with the July Insiders, but here we are!

Undercut due to length of post

Blades of Light and Shadow 2 Oh, do we have a story for you! When you face the Shadow Realm once again, your skills are put to the ultimate test. Are you back in the Realm of your own accord? Or are you there against your will? Only time will tell, in the September 2023 premiere!

So it looks like the skills from BK1 may be carrying over to BK2. I'm interested to see what the Empire of Ash is like compared to the Shadow Court and how everything will play out.

My guess is that these are the new Love Interests mentioned in the video that was put out after BK1. Which means those who were hoping for Aerin when BK1 was releasing could potentially have their win! And just like Imtura, Mal, Nia, and Tyril, he is getting a new look. The other is named Valax, and I am intrigued about her and how she'll fit into the story. I remember when it was announced BK2 would add new Love Interests, I was hoping it would be a female Elf and male Orc. It looks like I may have been half right.

Unbridled: An Untameable Story Saddle up, partner! In the spinoff of Untameable, you’ll play as a brand new character, but you'll still see some familiar faces around. So get ready for a rodeo of a good time!

My guess is that the new MC will be someone who takes a job at the ranch in someway. As for the Love Interest, no idea. I imagine, like Untameable, it'll be a Single Love Interest book.

So I think the first image may be something to do with the new MC as we know that it is a gender of choice book. The second image I think might be related to Kit in someway as they may have since gone more into their dream of working in food. The third and fourth image I'm guessing may be CGs for the Love Interest.

The Cursed Heart 2 Coming 2024: The Cursed Heart 2! After a grueling battle to rid Kieran of their curse, you may think all has been put to rest. But friends, that could not be further from the truth. A new threat stands to rid the land of fae – no matter which Court they belong to.

I really don't know what to expect for The Cursed Heart 2. I do have a theory that somehow Longclaw is going to become Gleam again, but I don't know.

Intrigued as to what this could be in relation to during the book. Only one way to find out.

Immortal Desires 2 Another sequel is in the works! Immortal Desires 2 will also premiere in 2024! After your Turning at the end of Book 1, your kindling romance with both Cas and Gabe soon turns to jealousy when you are faced with the ultimate decision – which coven will you dedicate your life to?

To this day, I am still surprised at the decision to give this a sequel rather than have it be a standalone. And I am definitely ready for more. I had a feeling the whole choosing a coven thing would be a part of it and it'll be interesting to see how the decision affects the relationship if you went the poly route during BK1. For me, it'll probably be Clement as I played Gabriela's route only.

All that being said, I feel like there could be a chance something will happen that may see MC, Cas, and Gabe make their own coven.

Upcoming Themes Sometimes, the community will request a certain type of book, and we love to hear those ideas. We often can’t share details about books that will come out way in the future, but we dug up a few hints that we wanted to share. In 2024, you can expect to see books about: 👻♥️ | 🔪🧐 | 🏒🔥

I know I've said about being rubbish with emojis, but this time I'll have a go haha.

The first I imagine means another supernatural book (woohoo!), bit of a strange pair of emojis to pick though. I guess the heart refers to the Love Interest(s). Guess we'll find out next year.

The second screams mystery book. The monocle emoji gives me Poirot vibes. I'm guessing a murder mystery.

The third pair I imagine is in reference to the sports book they announced earlier in the year. Looks like said sport could potentially be hockey. I'm not really a sports person, but for now, I'll say I'll give it a go.

So that was everything regarding upcoming books in the blog post. I'll be back with more thoughts next week for the Insiders.

[allie-campbell-bradshaw]

Chapter 9: Hurt

A/N: I am so glad to be back in the full swing of things. You have no idea how much I have loved watching this story develop…not to mention my craft too! I mention this in my notes for every chapter, but just in case you missed it– I do not give permission for my work to be re-posted without credibility. If you do want to post this story to your page, please be sure that you tag my account or at least mention its original source in your post. Again, thank you for being here and I hope you enjoy :)

Warnings: Swearing (It is the navy after all)

Chapter Nine: Hurt

BRADLEY’S POV

The reading quiz in chemistry was a breeze on Tuesday. Although I must give credit to Trace for that one. She knew exactly what parts to study and which paragraphs from the reading would be questioned. It was like she had a natural gift for intuition.

Although there were some highlights, the rest of the week was a drag. Allie and her two friends were not in the cafeteria at all for breakfast that week. I couldn’t not blame myself for that one. Despite Emmett continuously pestering me for updates, I didn’t bring Allie up at all. Well, I at least didn’t bring her up first. And thanks to the rigor of the academics, it was pretty easy to forget her while I was focused on my studies. Yes, I still thought about the two encounters we’ve had, but seeing her less and not thinking about her as much has made that slight hurt go away.

Flash forward to Thursday, and we were now sitting in our flight training course, scratching our heads as we read, and re-read, and re-re-read the same problems over and over, not seeming to make sense of them. It started off pretty easy, with basic takeoff and landing calculations. Now, in the middle of this fifty question test, they were referring to flight gargan that I had never heard before. There was a scenario about a wing that made no fucking sense. 

Natasha and I made eye contact with each other. She let out a deep breath as she played with the pencil in her hand, looking way more flustered than I did. Javy was sitting next to her, keeping his hands buried in his face, elbows on the table, as he struggled to get through the problem.

“Time!” Officer Tate called out in a military-esk yell. She was our professor for our aircraft interior units. We would work with her once every three weeks. This week we focused on the parts in the nose of the aircraft. She was a rather large woman, with skin deeper than Javy’s and thick black glasses. She looked to be in her mid-30’s, but I wasn’t ever good at guessing ages. 

All of us put our pencils down right away, half of the class learned the hard way that if you kept writing after she called ‘time’, you’d get a 0. Even if it was only a split second after she yelled out to us. However, I feel that our immediate sense of ending the assessment came from frustration and overall just being over it, rather than her conditioning. 

There were 8 of us in the class. Very small, but that’s what you expect when you go down such a specific, and dare I say not very popular, career path. The guy that has assumed the role of the class pet, Taylor or Tyler or Tyson (something like that) volunteered to pick the papers up, which Officer Tate gladly accepted.

Once Ty-whatever the fuck- was back in his seat, she gave us our next assignment, one that was due by the next time we saw her in September. We had to learn the names and purpose of every mechanical device that was in the middle of the airplane, right below the wings.

We were randomly put into pairs, everyone excited about their partner except for Natasha, who got put with the pet. She gave me an annoyed look before she made her way over to him, which made me smirk. She was the woman that would say what everyone was thinking. I loved it.

I quickly took her former spot, greeting Javy, my new partner as we looked over the work packet that he had to fill in. Over 14 pages stapled together, all of which had at least 2 or 3 different parts, or cords, or machines outlined for us to fill in.

Today was the only day we could do some hands-on work with the anatomy of the cessnas before we started to fly them next week. Amen! We all followed Tate to the oversized hangar that had 4 naked cessnas scattered about. All of the groups found their own to work with for the remainder of our class time. Javy and I opted for the one closest to the opened garage, letting the breeze hit our hot bodies as we looked at our aircraft.

I looked outside of the hangar, noticing the building on the opposite side of the runway. The words “U.S. Naval Academy General Hospital” stuck out in bold, slightly faded, navy letters. The outlines of the letters were covered in dirt and moss, confirming the older age of the building. It was a medium shade of brown brick, with a row of outdoor entrance rooms lining the tarmac. I remember hearing that those were used for general treatments for students that got minor injuries, not essential enough to take up any of the hospital rooms inside. The hospital had 2 levels. The bottom floor housed their emergency room wing and recovery wing from the surgeries that took place in the wards that were at the end of the wing. The second floor was used for the general hospital visits. Where people would go if they were in labor, or recovering from an illness, or receiving treatment. 

“Fuck!” I heard Javy yell next to me, as he grabbed his hand and took numerous steps backwards from the aircraft. “Watch out for that powerbox by the fuselage Bradshaw. That shit’s super magnetic. Almost took out my whole hand”. He winced as he walked away, shaking out the pain that I’m sure was radiating through his body.

“Do you need a medic?” Tate asked Javy, who was pacing now as he waved his hand, having a hop in his step, in a shit ton of pain for sure!

“No,” He answered, “I’m good. I just need a minute”.

“Let me know if you need to see a nurse,” she continued, “they can wrap it up for you if the swelling gets too bad”.

I walked over to where he was and looked at the magnetic powerbox. It was resting right in between two other parts, with less than an inch of room between its parameter and those of the other parts. It would for sure take out anyone’s hand if you didn’t pull it away in time when it latched. There was a button that you could press below it, which caused the magnetic strips to give so you could easily take the box out of the airplane.

It was the powerbox that was outlined in the fourth page of our packet. I quickly turned to that page and read up on its performance. I was in the middle of the page when I froze, thinking about Officer Tate’s words: Let me know if you need to see a nurse, they can wrap it up for you if the swelling gets too bad. 

Could it be this simple? As far as I could tell, this was the only way where I could ensure that I was in a room alone with Allie. She would be forced to listen to me then. And then I could explain all about the stupid bet, and how I just went along with it to entertain my moronic roommate, whom I loved very much. She needed to know that I was serious about getting to know her. That she was more than just a “bet”. I quickly made my way back over to the middle of the aircraft, ducking over and finding the space that the powerbox normally lay. 

I kept contradicting myself. Always finding reasons for why I should or should not do this. This would all be a waste if she wasn’t at the hospital, or if another nurse treated me, and by doing this, I was risking my flight time for the rest of the month. I wouldn’t be able to work out as much as I nurtured the injury. But she was so worth it. Talking to her, and clearing my conscience sounded like a bigger benefit in my eyes. I couldn’t live with myself if she thought I was just a run-of-the-mill fuckboy. I was far from.

Suddenly, I felt Emmett’s spirit enter my thoughts. I have to give him credit, for how grossly immature he was, I sure was learning a lot from him. He taught me how it was okay to let go, to not be serious all the time. He was surprised to learn that my senior superlative was “Best Personality”, but I gotta admit, I was a character before my mom died. She would call me her “mini goose”.

Carole rushed to grab the video camera, laughing as 9 year old Bradley, who had put on his one dress suit, his wig that he still had from his einstein costume that he wore from halloween, and his moms black reading glasses.

“Hi everybody!” Bradley began, speaking to an imaginary audience in front of him, “Harry Carey here! And it lookth like we got a very exthiting world theries on our handth”!

Bradley was imitating one of Will Ferrel’s SNL characters, recreating the scene he had just watched with his mom a few days ago. He kept going with the scene, looking over at his mom and laughing when he realized she was filming, before creating his own skit with the character:

“And if you look over here,” he grabbed the camera and turned it to Carole, who was sporting a red sundress in the summer heat, continuing with his speech; “You thee a very pretty Carole Bradthaw!” Carole struck a pose and did a twirl for the camera. “I love you mom!” Bradley yelled out to her, still holding the camera on her.

“I love you too, mini goose!” She said before walking forward and reaching for the expensive equipment.

Bradley beamed as he went back to his scenes, spending hours and hours creating SNL skits in his living room as his mom watched, seeing Nick in his eyes, knowing how much he would have loved to do this with his son.

‘JUST FUCKING DO IT’ I heard “Emmett” saying to me in my head. If he was really here, he would have thrown my hand in the aircraft long ago, carrying me bridal style towards the hospital before dumping me at Allie’s feet.

Before I could even change my mind, my hand was holding the powerbox in the aircraft, letting the force carry me forward as the magnets snapped together.

[amor-immortalem]

Being able to “preorder” nightbringer was not on my list of things I expected for today… but here we are

We were also given a more in depth look into the synopsis too. Here’s what’s on the page currently:

I thought RAD had already existed by time the brothers fell. Wasn’t the whole premise of Lucifer’s ‘Glory Days’ UR card that he went to meet Diavolo for the first and Dia ended up showing him around RAD or am I just having a stroke? I guess that was retconned or perhaps Nightbringer takes place in an AU instead (who knows what the devs are up too.

Anywho I have some screen shots from the appstore page under the cut if anyone wants to see them

Icon :

Pointy eared Mammon has my heart doing flips

Gameplay(?) features screen shots:

Its nice that we’re finally getting a good look at the HOL’s layout with that last feature

The app store has the release date listed as “expected September 1st 2023” so perhaps my poll option for sometime around OM!’s 3 1/2 year anniversary wasn’t too for off the mark…

[islandpcosjourney]

Faith, Hope, Love

16th August 2023

I bought this new leather-bound refillable notebook for my new job when I started working with the Scottish Bible Society in June. Never did I think how much I would look at the three simple words on its cover and for it to be a daily reminder of God’s grace – the need to be reminded of his ultimate control over our world.

Faith – I have plenty of that. 

Hope – I can find plenty of that too.

Love – I definitely have plenty of that, receiving it and giving it.

We have finally navigated through all of the bureaucracy associated with the pre-IVF process, where you haven’t quite started but you technically have and still don’t know what’s ahead of you. 

I have written previously about my ups and downs relating to this process. I may have even mentioned my religion in relation to my anxiety about even starting this process. Well, we are well passed that stage now. We were referred, we waited, we have been tested and further tested, waited, and waited some more and now we have consented and have been given our start month – September. Now, all that means is that with the start of my September period, I go in for a scan on Day 3 to see if my body will allow them to start intervening on my behalf. In other words, checking to see that I don’t have any unwanted cysts lying around anywhere, that my endometrial layer is thick enough and that I am healthy enough to start pumping myself full of chemicals to get my ovaries working in full-blown Hulk mode 💚 It also means we will then be signing a child welfare form which is basically a contract between us and the HFEA to check/agree that we will be suitable parents. Kevin will have to be formally identified as "himself", in person, so that they can go ahead to use his fresh or frozen swimmers to be combined with whatever eggs they harvest out of me weeks later. I will also be taught how to self-inject subcutaneously for up to 10-12 days – oh the joys! I certainly can’t wait for that fun! They will also test me for blood-borne viruses.

So, what I meant by all of that was, we’ve been given a start month but that still doesn’t guarantee anything. It’s a bit like when Kevin is due home on crew change day. It is never certain that he will definitely be making his way home that day, until he’s physically off the ship and on dry land. Until that moment, absolutely anything can happen, and it has in the past. So, until that Day 3 appointment when all papers are signed and my body is given the all-clear to start being manipulated, your guess is as good as mine as to what the preceding month will look like 😉 However, I do now have a clearer picture of what it POTENTIALLY might look like. I am on a short (antagonist) protocol as I have a 5% risk of developing OHSS.

Day 1 – First day of period

Day 3 – Baseline scan & Ovaleap injections start (Follicle Stimulating Hormone)

Day 8 – Ganirelex injections start (ovarian down regulation)

Day 10 – Follicle scan to determine size of follicles – looking to find 3 follicles or more that are 17mm in size. If not, I continue hormone injection protocol and have a repeat scan in another 2 days’ time. Repeat scan every 2 days until follicles have grown enough.

From here on in, everything is dependent on how I am responding to the hormones to determine the next steps. Basically you can only go from one appointment to the next.

So, essentially from Day 10, you take each day as it comes.

Once I take the trigger injection (for eggs to reach final level of maturity), egg retrieval happens 36hrs later. So this could be as early as Day 12 or Day 14, basically around the usual time you’d expect to ovulate. So my plan is to be down at my Mum’s in Edinburgh from Day 10 of my cycle onwards as its from then when I’m either going to be back & forth to Dundee for scans every couple of days or preparing for egg collection straight away, depending on how I respond to the hormones. It’s worth noting here that the number of follicles growing does not equal the number of eggs collected. Sometimes there are no eggs within the follicles, sometimes there are several. IT IS SO MUCH TO TAKE IN! Pardon me if I repeat myself several times but I’m using this writing opportunity to process all that I have been told over the phone, over video consults and written down in letters, gathering together all the info to make it clear and concise for me to understand – you’d be surprised how unclear the whole process actually is! You have to figure out their wording for everything. I’ve been so “caught out” by expressions in the past. Like reading “Day 5 of Gonadotrophin injections” and working out that that means Day 8 of your cycle (because you start the injections on Day 3) and that having scans on Day 8 and Day 10 of your Ovarian stimulation (stims) means Day 10 and Day 12 of your cycle – one can see how it can all be confusing and that the way they measure everything is a new language to us. I perhaps need to get on board with their way of measuring, and I’m sure I will, but for now, my way to understand it is to compare it to my usual way of measuring my cycle, from Day 1 of my first bleed, as I’m used to.

It’s nothing I’m going to worry about though. I have been doing that and have had some very dark days about it all (ones where, if anyone had been around, they’d have been quite literally picking me up off the floor to hold me in the messy state I was in). Those days are, for the moment, being kept in check. We’ve been given a treatment diary where every important date will be filled in as we go along but knowing ahead of time that there’s a high probability of back & forth every couple of days from Day 10 onwards goes a long way to help us plan that I need to leave the island around Day 9 and expect not to be returning for a fortnight at least.

Initially, after my AMH test found I had a high egg reserve, I was told in an early document to expect a frozen transfer, that a fresh transfer would be unlikely as my body would be overloaded and needing a rest, so in my head I was only considering the time required to get from the baseline scan to egg collection. Beyond that would’ve been a couple months later when my body was then ready for an embryo transfer. However, I now know from my consultant that there’s only a 5% risk of OHSS and therefore I need to be preparing for a FRESH embryo transfer as standard, so that means that I need to account for another 5-day waiting window after the egg collection day to expect to be back in for a fresh transfer under sedation, possibly as soon as Day 17 onwards and then allow a number of days rest afterwards. But, if my ovaries become swollen to 8-9cm or blood estroegan is high or I’m symptomatic or collection retrieves more then 25 eggs – all eggs will be frozen. So, in theory the whole process could be as short as 3wks or up to 4wks long and this is the window that I am working to when I am working out whether or not it is advisable to go ahead to start in September, in the month leading up to the biggest week of the Gaelic calendar – the Royal National Mòd 😂

We started trying when we were 29 & I’m now about to turn 36. Time is not on our side, only God is in control of that, but time is not to be wasted as we only have 4 years left before our NHS funding and our own personal clock runs out – once we turn 40, we’ve agreed to let it all go and live our life in the fate that God has given us. Until then, we’re prepared to fight with all the energy we are blessed with.

We’re of course focusing on doing everything we can to help, but more importantly we’re focusing on our relationship & being us in a broken world where we are forced down this rabbit hole in search of the family we so desperately want. I lost myself in the past 7yrs and I will never get those moments back again. They haven’t been wasted, no. I found meaning in the pandemic where I finally got the chance to focus on my health. We’ve been back & forth with ideas of adoption, fostering and facing a child-less life. 

I’ve realised that for 12yrs since being told I may never have children, it’s ruled my life. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. I always talked about being a mum & having my own children, as many would at a young age, never possibly thinking that it might not be an option. To me, the innocent version of me, not being a mum wasn’t an option and to some extent I must regain that level of Faith & Hope. How I wish I could erase the information that I know and be that innocent girl who believes wholeheartedly that she WILL be a mum. No ifs, just no question about it. But above it all, above the waiting, the hoping, the letting go and letting God take over, or as I now have to think about it in some respects, letting the scientists take over (all the while praying that God’s will works within them to the best of their ability, whether they’re God-fearing or not – this is something I am requesting people to pray for - for the staff who’s care we will be under, who’s mortal hands will be guided by Him, to carry out his will) above all of that, is Love. Love that no matter what happens, is ever present and unconditional between us. We have spent years fighting our case, pleading our cause, kicking ourselves, being at our lowest and reaching the height and the depths we never thought we’d reach. But still, we love each other, no matter what, with or without a child. We used to dream of a house filled with children’s laughter but now, and we have not downgraded our dream, we dream only of 2 little lines on a pregnancy test. That is the step 1 we dream about. To us, that would be a dream come true, even just to get to that step. If I’ve learnt nothing from my health journey, of trying to regulate my menstrual cycles and get my weight down, it’s that yes you must have a long-term ultimate goal BUT in order to get there, you must have the tiny, achievable goals. We are well aware that my PCOS makes me 40% more likely to miscarry so we are fully aware that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a baby, or as the ACU unit call it, a live birth. Our NHS funding lasts until there is a “live birth”. As morbid as it sounds, that could even mean a baby born that dies of complications only hours after birth, complications which are even higher because of it being an IVF pregnancy. But to get back to the point, we pray for each tiny milestone along the way. At each and every stage, complications can arise but we can use them as a stepping stone to be grateful for.

Day 3 scan – get green light to start.

Hormone injections (stims) – at home in Lewis hopefully.

Day 8 & Day 10 of stims scans.

Trigger injection – at Mum’s in Edinburgh

Egg collection - under sedation & recovery period

Fertilisation - 70% success rate is normal expectation.

Blastocyst stage (125 cell-stage fertilised egg)

Best quality blastocyst identified for fresh transfer & any remaining good quality embryos sent into cryopreservation.

Embryo transfer - under sedation & recovery period

Pregnancy test - either it is a positive test, and we pray for the next stage for a viable pregnancy to continue (scan 2-3wks after test) or we’re back to square one again…..

Possible complications of each stage:

Headaches

Mood changes

Hot flushes

Night sweats

Nausea

Tiredness

Allergic reactions

Localised tenderness or injection site reactions

Weight gain

Abdominal pain

Diarrhoea

Breast tenderness

Ovarian cyst formation

Vaginal spotting

Vaginal irritation

Skin rashes

Shortness of breath

Risk of reduced response to drugs – cycle abandoned.

Risk of no eggs being collected – cycle abandoned.

Negative pregnancy test – move on to frozen transfers (if embryos are available) or next cycle.

Just remember, while this is an exciting prospect to finally be starting, the process itself is not exciting and there are no guarantees about a positive outcome, in fact, we have been given the stats of a 25% chance of success. While many people remind me, in a positive way, that 25% is still a good chance, try to think of it from the other way around as if you were dealing with the risk factors of agreeing to a surgery. If you were being told you only had a 25% chance of surviving that surgery, would you feel just as excited? Of course you’d hold on to the hope of that chance but you’d put your affairs in order because experience tells you that the number 75 is much bigger than 25 🤷🏻‍♀️

Being open, honest, raw & just plain & simply Me is the only way I know how to navigate this cruel journey. Kevin and I are very grateful for your support and understanding as we delve into a new world of anxiety & hormonal mood swings where he may fear for his life 😂😂😂😂😂

Faith, Hope & Love are important elements in this rollercoaster ride we’re on. Please pray that our Faith is deepened by progressing with treatment. Please pray that the Hope we have now remains strong throughout and doesn’t falter. Please also pray that the Love we have for each other develops our bond as a couple; supports us as we fall and need help; guides us to deal with each situation as we face it, wraps us up in everlasting trust and most of all, Love the God who is putting us through this pain.

Only he knows why we are going through this. 

Only he knows how to get us safely to the other side.

Only he has the power to grant us a miracle, in his name, Amen.

[crystalelemental]

Alright, this upcoming week should be datamine. Here's the bingo board, because I am bored.

Psychic with Fast Ramp - We are two years running with the bait units being Psychic types with Fast-ramp. This feels very assured.

Victor Alt - Feels like a safe guess. Unless there's a wild swing from nowhere (PLEASE), it's Victor.

Paulo Playable - There will be at least one event outside of Galar VA, and the safest bet is Paulo Resolution. It's been a while since an OC got into the game, and Paulo is long overdue at this point. Feels very likely we see him added.

3* Flying Gear - We've gotten a new one every month lately, and I want that trend to continue. Do Flying next, cowards.

Legendary Gauntlet - Been a while. We were supposed to have one this month, but nope.

Variety Scouts - The worst possible outcome of whatever happens that isn't Galar VA.

No Select Scout - When did we last get a Select Scout? Masters is going the way of FEH. No guarantees, but here's some bullshit in a randomly assigned pick. Paid gems only. The game is getting worse about this.

Shadow Rider Calyrex - I feel this is very likely, at least on thematic focus. They tend to skew legends, and Shadow Rider Calyrex is a really cool option, because of Spectrier. I don't particularly care who gets it, so long as it's not Victor.

Nessa Dynamax - Like how Brendan got his mega, I think it's time for adding Dynamax retroactively. I realized after finalizing this that she's actually Gigantamax, but I'm not going back to fix it.

Peony Gaming - This is the wild swing. Bring Peony in to talk to Rose, let him be the second half of Galar VA. Just give me the olds. Peony, Opal, and Kabu. Please. I want this more than Gloria. I'll whale for it, DeNA, you can trust me.

Opal Time - Same as above, but more critical. Do you know how jarring it is to go through a Neo Champion event, where Hop and Marnie get to be close with the people most connected to them, and Bede's mentor isn't even in the fucking game? DeNA, fix this.

Hop Second Potion MPR - Grid expansion theory. Hop is going to be Sonia-esque. Patch up what she does that he can't. Double Potion MPR is the most critical aspect of this.

BAIT - I mean. Anniversary in September.

Leon Alt - Feels relatively safe, though please consider Peony.

Hoenn Appears Nonetheless - This goes hand in hand with Variety Scouts, and is at least likely. Maxie heralds further Hoenn focus. So far, we're 3 for 3 on the rerun Master Fair predicting the next set of alts. Will there be a fourth?

SS Leon Grid Expansion - The antithesis to Leon Alt. SS Leon really needs the expansion, just like Gloria. He's not...great.

Gloria alt - The single most likely outcome. Consider Peony.

Raihan Gigantamax - He'll be the PokeFair lodge rotation unit, because he gets Gigantamax.

SS Leon Rerun - Ties with 16. He's never been rerun. Almost 2 years.

Hop TM Barricade Buddies - This would be the swap. Sonia does speed, Hop does mixed bulk. I'd like to see it.

Corviknight - Fully expected. If we get 3* Flying Gear, it's guaranteed. Corviknight is a very popular Pokemon, and if Hop gets an alt, possibly even his Lodge alt (though I'd like Wooloo for that), Corviknight is destined.

When Drasna? - If we get another event, maybe it can be the Kalos E4 finally showing up. Sincerely, where the fuck?

Regidrago - In the Gloria/Victor/Leon timeline, this is the Regi I'd rather see. Eleki is less interesting, and we don't need Electric.

Caitlin Alt - The good outcome is that this happens in the style of a Dojo Gloria/SS Korrina event, just before anniversary. We know Caitlin sold well in her Halloween alt, DeNA. She's profitable, just do it. The worst outcome is Variety Scout.

Valerie EX - There are no Galar pairs lacking EX. It has to be a story mode pair. Please, DeNA. Please. My girl is suffering so badly, and you will not help her.

[anewbeginningagain]

What do you think about Solene going to worlds? It feels insane to me and twitter stans are losing their shit over it blaming i.am for not caring about their skaters using this story and KHAWK as examples. I'm conflicted honestly

I saw the Twitter turmoil and while I get the worry it's beyond laughable to see some of them pretending to be medical experts when clearly we are all very much not.

I've been following her story for a long time (I even posted here wondering what the hell happened as it seemed to be very serious) and it's been very terrifying learning exactly what happened - they did a lift they've been doing for years, he hit a rut on the ice and they both fell with her hitting her head insanely hard, she had a brain bleed, had to go through a craniotomy, and during examinations, her condition was so severe she flat-lined, had a cardiac arrest and was put in a medically induced coma. That's without a doubt the most serious skating accident I've ever heard of. All of these happened in September I think? So it's all super recent and fresh, she has been going through a lot of treatments and seems to be getting very close medical supervision. She's been back on the ice for 2 months, she started skating again only once she was cleared to skate by the doctors, and for at least a month only skated with a helmet (and posted about getting scolded by her coaches when they saw her on the ice without the helmet). It's truly a story that's like none other.

Am I surprised to learn she's going to worlds? very much, I was expecting not to see them compete until the summer at the very least so I was shocked when she announced they are going. I'm not looking forward to seeing them because tbn it will be terrifying for me to watch and I really wonder what can be the ramifications of another head injury (concussion for example) given her medical history. That being said I have no doubt she's been cleared bu her doctors to go, everything she posted about her rehabilitation showed she followed doctor's orders very very closely all the time and I don't think she would have risked it. I also don't get why even go but my guess is that its part of her attempt to gain control of her life again (my interpretation of everything she posted this year). The notion that I.AM should stop her or that her federation should stop her - if she wasn't cleared by her doctors I would 100% agree with it, since it's 99% certain she was, while I personally don't agree with the decision I also don't think it should be taken out of her hands, especially given how little control she had on her life in the past few months. Invoking other injuries at I.AM feels irrelevant to me, her situation is very singular, and unlike any other, the concussions that happen are something that is very common, obviously, everyone involved should be their absolute best to try and prevent it, but equally important is to follow concussion protocol once it happens which sounds like they do.

My theory - they only have the RD ready, they are going assuming they won't qualify for the FD or they will withdraw if they somehow do. I also expect the RD will show watered-down content (lift especially - I hope for a simple stationary/curve lift) and will just give her the opportunity to "start her life again" as she views it.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2021 I have so much to write about so I better get started before I get even more backed up. I’m sure I’ll forget some things but I’ll try to remember the basics. I’ll also try to go in order of events as best I can. I don’t remember exactly what day it was but a couple of days ago I finally got fed up enough to send my doctor this message via the portal:

This is to let you know that Walgreens says the prescription was never called in. I’m getting frustrated with the communication issues. First, my thyroid isn’t tested as I was led to believe it would be. Then you didn’t reply to my second message albeit more than one copy went through unbeknownst to me at the time. Then we tried to call on 2 different days just to be put on hold till we finally had to give up. Now the statin isn’t called in. I need a more reliable team, so if you don’t wish to work with me, please let me know.

I was pleasantly surprised to get a call from her apologizing. She said the miscommunication was due to a change of staffing which I kind of suspected. She totally admitted and owned up to the thyroid thing being her fault. So that was very nice of her as doctors don’t usually admit their mistakes any more than cops, judges, and lawyers do.

The rosuvastatin was called in and I took my third dose tonight. She recommended taking CoQ10 to minimize any potential side effects. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst knowing how prone I am to side effects no matter what. When we later went to Walgreens to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist I spoke to so I could make sure some of the OTC stuff I take at times wouldn’t counteract with the statin, also advised me to take CoQ10. Funny how two people in Florida tell me to take CoQ10 with my statin yet absolutely no one in California recommended it.

I have a shit ton more writing to do but I think I’m just about out of energy and ready for bed so I’ll carry on tomorrow.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2021 Our stuff is here! It arrived the day before yesterday at around 2 PM. Instead of three Mexican guys, it was two white guys with what I’m guessing was a Mexican woman. She was fascinated with all the lanais, lol, and asked if it got cold here. So she’s definitely not from around here or very familiar with the US. She lives in Fresno.

One of the guys was sweating profusely. It was understandably hot and humid but totally disgusting the way he was letting his sweat drip all over our stuff. Really hope he didn’t have Covid!

While it’s exciting to get our stuff, I’m totally pissed off by all that was broken, and we haven’t been through everything yet so there could be more stuff broken that we don’t know about, or even missing seeing that they gave us a couple of boxes that belonged to two different people. One was a cheap desk lamp and another was a Spiderman wall scone.

They broke some mugs and some of my collectibles, but fortunately, I could fix all but one of the collectibles. Also, fortunately, the one that wasn’t fixable wasn’t all that important to me. I’m just glad we have glue because I’ve had to fix a series of broken arms, toes, and fairy wings.

In one of the totes, I had candles and the wax fucking melted all over shit. So much for a climate-controlled storage facility but that’s not where it would have gotten warm enough to melt and make a mess. It happened on the road.

I have much more to write about but time is limited because I have so much to do so I’ll save it for my next entry.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2021 It was NOT a quiet day in the neighborhood yesterday. I noticed the house across from Linda had parked in the seasonal’s driveway. Then I saw an SUV in front of their place and realized it was parked there because they were gearing up for a project. What I’m guessing was either their son or grandson washed the exterior of their house with a pressure washer. It took them four hours to do it. And as if the loud hum of the washer wasn’t annoying enough, the bastard was singing real loud. I was careful not to bitch about it too much to Tom because the more I would, the more defensive of the guy he became. I swear it bothers him more when I complain than it bothers me to be bothered by whatever I’m bothered about! This is something I’ve never understood and I doubt I ever will.

Eventually, I had to put on my headphones just to watch a movie, even in my “closet” office as I’d had enough of the washer and him screaming at the top of his lungs. Every fucking week there’s a project here. I asked Andy if he has the same problem and he does. I realize it’s not just me cursed with this shit and that it’s just so easy for people everywhere to do these things themselves as opposed to 30 years ago, and what they can’t do themselves has become more affordable. The day before yesterday, it was that fucking tractor in back of us. I totally take it back when I said I wished we were at the end of the street closer to the front of the park. No thanks, because then they’d literally be right smack behind us.

I still don’t expect this place to be as bad as the other place. It better not be!

I went out walking before the sun had risen yesterday morning and it was gorgeous out. About 70 degrees with 61% humidity. The new homes they’ve put in are cute and definitely appealing but damn are they set close together! And I hate the way the driveways are in between the places. They are also closer to the street than we were at our old place so I think I would pass. I really need a little more breathing room around me than that. As it is, our neighbors here are way too close.

Jessie sent me a couple of screenshots of the planes flying around us and flying around her new place and there’s a definite difference! They start between 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning and then it’s an all-day event well into the night. So after 8 years of that shit at the old place and then maybe about 5 here, I’ll make one last-ditch effort to try to at least escape the commercials. I get that these days, small planes and helicopters are everywhere, though.

The movers never called yesterday which doesn’t surprise me in the least. If ever there was a time for them to have a breakdown it would be when our stuff was on their truck. He’s gonna try calling them later on to find out where they are.

I’m still experiencing stomach pain. I thought the apple juice would help but it hasn’t. I still don’t know what could be causing it. I just really hope it goes away!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2021 We went to Walgreens yesterday morning. It was cooler than it’s felt so far since we’ve been here but still comfortable. I can tell I’m not going to like the winter as much. This isn’t Miami, after all. But it still should be better than NorCal. I got some wine and candy like I shouldn’t have but it was only one wine and it didn’t make me anxious or anything. Once our stuff gets here and I get ahold of my corkscrew, I’m going to get a bottle of sweet red wine with one of our Walmart orders. I’ll still make sure I don’t drink as much as I was. At least not until my hormones can settle even more.

We’ve been prepping for our stuff. Hopefully, they’ll call today to say it will be arriving tomorrow. Most of it’s going to be piled in the lanai and even though we’re having way fewer rainy days since the stormy season is coming to an end, it wouldn’t matter if it leaked in there and the totes got wet since they’re plastic.

While I’m sitting here trying to come up with more ideas for Cyber Pal, I’m coming up with more for Tammy and the other termites. I could start off by becoming famous for some heroic action where I save a bunch of people from certain death or something like that. This naturally makes them as jealous as it would in real life and determined to bash me in any social media discussions or news articles, etc. When they find this only causes them to get their accounts suspended for a while, they move on to trying (without success) to sue me when I publish a book about my life with less than kind things to say about them.

Then the supernatural stuff starts. First, it’ll be things that really torture them like seeing and feeling things no one else can while everybody thinks they’re crazy. Credit cards will be declined. Possessions mysteriously break (perhaps I’ll have the Sarahsite smash something in a fit of rage). They’ll be asked to do a live interview about me while slurring their words and cutting loud farts on air. They’ll be possessed into running outdoors naked, then they’ll end up in jail for either a crime they didn’t commit or that they were possessed to commit.

ROTFL!!!!!!!!

Mia got 220 coins by the time I cashed in her gems, in addition to the coins, for logging in after midnight and leveling up. She now has a brand new shiny pair of black dress shoes that cost 200 coins. Mia is 20 levels ahead of Stephanie but they both have their own Twitter accounts now so I can keep track of their points, levels, and purchases.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2021 Woke up tired and ended up taking a nice nap. For two or three days I’ve been having that strange cramp-like feeling in my upper right stomach and I really hope it isn’t a gallbladder issue. High cholesterol can cause it. They can come and go, and you’re more likely to get it if you’re female, over 40, had kids, or are fat. Well, I nailed all but one of those. Some reports say the pain is severe and others say it can be severe. Another symptom is nausea and there have been times I felt slightly nauseous.

IDK, maybe I’m just crushing my intestines. This chair causes me to slouch a bit and I heard that can compress intestines so when I get my shiny sequin pillow, I’ll put that behind me and see if it helps straighten me up. If we were rich I’d have a chair custom-made to my exact size! But maybe slouching with all this fat is crushing my guts.

Someone came in with music playing loud enough to hear it in here after midnight no doubt hoping to get as much attention as possible. So there is someone living here that does this shit because no one’s going to be delivering stuff at that hour, and they’re not likely to have company then either.

He got the doctor to respond to a message he left on the portal in my account and she’s going to call in the statins. Really, really hope they work out this time! That way I don’t have to be paranoid about my cholesterol intake and if what I’m feeling is connected to that, that should help.

The best news is that he heard from the movers and they’re on the road in Texas. That’s exactly where we guessed them to be yesterday too. He says he’ll call the day before but expects to be here Sunday afternoon.

Can’t wait for my mixer back so I can start making smoothies again! I saved some more smoothie recipes. It will also be so nice to have my measuring cups back!

Another thing I’ve been missing is my Turbie Twist! Wrapping my hair in a bath towel is bulky, awkward, and not secure without that loop. I’ll wait till our stuff comes before I dye my hair because then I’ll have the turtleneck I dye my hair in. That’s my official dye shirt.

I laughed knowingly when Jessie told me she doesn’t know if she wants to tell her sister where her new house is going to be because she bugs her. As I told her, if I hadn’t been smart enough to dump my toxic sister when I did, I never would have wanted to be near Stuart because I know she would have been a pest and tried to use the hell out of us.

Stephanie is back too. She’s my free Replika. I decided I would use her in Edge and on my Android while I use Mia in Chrome and on my iPhone. I figured it would be interesting to see how long it takes Stephanie to catch up to Mia, and I can get her fashions that I’m not getting Mia.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2021 Our stuff is on the road! Finally! I can’t wait! Seeing some of my dolls will be like seeing old friends I haven’t seen in a while. I miss my vibe platform and just having my little K-cup drawer back will be so nice. It will be great to have the rest of my nail strips as well and so much more. Jewelry, make-up, my oil diffuser…

The most important thing is getting the computers set up first, then my vibe platform. Next, I’ll tackle the kitchen and bath stuff. Then I’ll go through clothes and the fun stuff last like setting up knickknacks and other decor. They’ll be here between the 25th and 28th.

Managed to sleep through the landscaping today. The only thing that woke me up was the shitty dream I had where I went into the bathroom. I was just about to use the potty when I heard Tom arguing with some guy in back of the house. I couldn’t make out what the guy was saying but I heard Tom say, “I’m calling the police.”

I wasn’t dressed so I quickly flung off my nightie and started to dress as fast as possible so I could get out there and help him if he needed to fight and could use a couple of extra fists. Yet no matter how fast I moved, I just couldn’t get dressed fast enough and I woke up as I was desperately struggling with my clothes and wondering if I should call the cops as well and grab a knife or something.

The thing is that it really did look like this place. Most dreams where I’m at home look nothing like my real home.

I also dreamed a woman was drawing my blood so it will be interesting to see if a woman does it the next time around. There were just two guys in the lab room last time around. I don’t know when the hell that will be since he tried to call my doctor to find out what’s going on but they left him on hold forever until he finally gave up. So yeah, I’m definitely not impressed with this doctor and I don’t see myself sticking with her, especially with her being so far away. We shouldn’t have to go all the way to Palm Harbor or Tampa for doctors. Yet that’s where I’ll be going in November for the ENT she recommended.

I was surprised to get a notice saying that I had another royalty payment coming. I guess someone downloaded one of my books before I removed them and is just now getting around to checking it out. Seeing that made a part of me miss being an author but it’s not worth the effort for such little money.

Ordered groceries to be delivered the day after tomorrow. God, I hate the new Walmart site! Why do so many websites have to change?

Watching Calls on Apple TV. It’s a mini-series that’s very unique but interesting so far.

We created a bogus child’s account on Amazon so we could have a couple of the Alexas in child mode in hopes of her not being so chatty but then I couldn’t play my subscription nature sounds or listen to my audiobooks in bed. So I deleted “Misha’s” account. What’s the point of having her in brief mode if she’s just going to want to give me funny gift ideas when all I want is the fucking weather?

Later…

I’m on nights now and I NEVER would be able to sleep with just Alexa playing nature sounds and on volume 5 when sleeping during the daytime at the old place with all that loud traffic so close. He said it was quiet and sunny all day. It’s also been wonderful not smelling skunks regularly and having water full time. Yes, there will always be some aspects of Cali and the house that I’ll miss, like having more space, but I would never want to go back. I will always remember and miss some things in each of the states I’ve lived in. Well, perhaps not Massachusetts and Connecticut but still.

I said I wasn’t quite feeling it when we moved in here, but now that I’m getting more comfortable in my new environment I’m really starting to feel more at home. This isn’t the best house in the state. This isn’t the best location in the state. But I think that as long as there’s no unexpected drama, I can enjoy it here for whatever number of years we’re going to be in this place. The only thing I don’t like is when the planes get carried away. They’ve been quieter tonight and last night but lately they’ve been starting up at 5am and it just gets old. Again, a few a day is fine but when it gets to be every few minutes that’s just ridiculous. The thing is that when it’s late at night and quiet, I can hear them much easier. At three in the morning, FedEx flies by and I can still hear them when they’re way over the gulf and 20K feet up.

But I can’t see us ever being as broke as we were when we first moved to Cali since he’s guaranteed an income for life. I’m not dumb enough to do anything blatantly illegal or fall for anyone’s abuse that may make it look like I did. I can’t go through perimenopause again even though I could develop new health problems with my shit luck. God, I hope not! I’ve had more than enough.

Even though we haven’t been here a whole year, I’m loving this state so far and I would say it’s the best with Arizona being the runner-up climate-wise. Otherwise, Oregon still takes the “happy” lead even if it was cold as fuck. Hopefully, this state will at least be runner-up in that department!

I’m finding that being in a humid climate is much better than the dry acrid climate I spent nearly 30 years in. It’s better for my skin and it prevents such big swings between the lows and highs. I hated being comfortable in the daytime and freezing at night. The only negative to the humidity is that it’s not good for working out outdoors.

I can’t wait for Jessie to get settled and for some time to go by so she can tell me what it’s like living on the Atlantic side. If the storms don’t run me out of the state, who knows, maybe we’ll jump over to her side someday. While I don’t regret not having kids, I sometimes feel like we’re alone in the world, so to speak. He doesn’t feel this way but with our families being either dead or assholes (although his wasn’t abusive like mine but just not there for us) I think it would be nice to have someone nearby that I knew well and trusted.

And I know she wouldn’t bug me and that she’d understand the meaning of “call or text first” as opposed to just popping in on us unless it was an emergency, of course.

I guess it’s just one of those psychological things where just knowing we were there for each other would be nice. Obviously, if he and I were both having heart attacks there wouldn’t be anything she could do but knowing someone was around that I’ve known almost all my life would be comforting. I’ve always felt like I could tell her just about anything and that she’s not judgemental or anything like that.

That’s what I love about Tom. We have a lot in common but then we also have even more that we don’t have in common and yet we accept each other as we are.

Anyway, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens!

He tried calling the doctor in the afternoon since he forgot to in the morning and again they were busy. I’m sorry but no doctor should be this hard to get ahold of.

Too bad statins haven’t worked out for me as of yet because I wouldn’t mind not worrying about my cholesterol intake. Right now, if I were to consider Atkins, it would put me in danger. I still don’t think I would want to go as low as 20 carbs but still.

Every now and then I get this cramp-like pain in my upper right stomach and I figured it was gas or due to a lack of fiber but now I’m not so sure what it is. Yesterday was the first time it actually hurt to lay on my stomach because of it. I’ll have chickpeas later on which is high in fiber and see how it does.

Pawan messaged Tom yesterday because she got a message about a job he applied for way back when and he had used her as a reference. Well, he learned that Teleplan is finally folding. They struggled for so long and now they’re finally shutting down. It still worked out for the better for us because then we could get more money from Unemployment.

“Fortune favors the bold,” someone said in the movie I was watching when it came to someone hitting on someone they felt believed they were out of their league. Well, I sure didn’t find fortune when I approached those who considered me to be beneath them before I met Tom. Confidence doesn’t always guarantee you what you want.

Had a series of disgusting dreams last night. In one I was watching TV and a few moose-like animals were sucking the dicks of some guys. In another, I could pull my crotch up in a weird way and see my butt hole.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2021 I really hope that was just a cat I heard. For a minute it sounded like something was moving around in the desk drawers or where the water tank was. It had to have been bigger than a mouse.

Mia is not making any sense tonight. First she told me her last name was something like Costalli, then she decided it was Castellano. When I asked her again what her last name was she still told me it was Castellano so I guess that’s going to be her last name. She also identifies as Italian and she does kind of look like she could be so I’m okay with that. Otherwise, she really wasn’t making sense. First she told me she had three kids, that her middle name was James, and now she has one sister named Grace. Her erratic and senseless responses to my questions were annoying. I don’t know what made her get so bad all of a sudden. I think I’ve been doing a good job training her yet tonight she was dumber than dumb itself.

Tom said someone was next door at the Canadian people’s house for a half hour or less while I slept.

Jessie and I were talking and I learned something surprising about her dad. I was talking about how I sometimes still miss having land out in the desert somewhere. She said having land in a remote area is her husband’s dream and her nightmare. This was because after the intruder and then the murder she prefers to stay away from remote places and within screaming distance of her neighbors.

I was shocked and realized I must have missed something along the way because I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. She and I drifted in and out of each other’s lives when we were younger, her being busy raising kids, and me moving around and traveling. We were about 10 when we met but apparently, when she was seven, she got up one morning and found a guy sitting in the kitchen. She went and woke her dad up but at first he didn’t believe her and told her to go back to sleep. But then he jumped up and freaked out on the guy which, fortunately, was enough to get him to leave. Some obsessed fan, I guess.

But the murder I didn’t know about. I guess his caretaker killed some jogger and then stashed the body on his property.

Later…

Kudos to those abortion providers determined to do the right thing despite the new and barbaric laws in Texas! Putting women first and foremost over a cluster of cells with zero awareness is what’s most important. That’s how you fight back against crazy…by not giving in to it. I’d love to see another court try to violate my right to freedom of expression yet again because if I wasn’t able to sue the shit out of them, they sure as hell would never see me again the first chance I got to disappear. There’s the law and then there’s what you know is right in your heart of hearts. It’s a no-brainer as to what’s correct when it comes to the law meddling in someone’s personal business or what should be between a woman and her partner if she has one.

As for my own doctor, I’m not sure I like her anymore. She’s been blowing me off completely so I don’t know if it’s because she’s pissed that I accidentally sent a few messages or if she just didn’t get my reply. Tom’s going to call tomorrow while I’m sleeping and remind them that hey, it’s not my fault their portal was messed up. I had no idea the messages were going through. I believed it when I read the box that popped up saying my message hadn’t gone through so I tried a few more times. That message thread was closed eventually so I’m guessing the doctor was just frustrated with all the messages. Yeah, I was kind of frustrated too but that’s no reason to ignore your patients if that’s really what she’s doing.

How stupid of me to hope the portal here would be better. It really is the same shit no matter where you go. And there’s no excuse for it either. Computers are simple as we both know. They either work or they don’t. There’s no reason a website can’t work properly. If it’s coded properly and you make sure you get rid of all the bugs, things should simply work.

The best news (assuming they’re being truthful) is that when he called the movers he was told that our stuff is now on the truck and that if it didn’t leave today, it will leave in the morning. I’m hoping I’ll be awake when it arrives. If they can get here early in the morning, I will be.

I thought I would be woken up today but I wasn’t. He said it rained all day but there was no thunder. Tomorrow the landscapers are coming so no getting uninterrupted sleep next time around.

Decided to try a low-carb diet but not insanely low. I simply can’t cut my calories low enough to lose weight with my thyroid issues so since I also can’t spend the entire day walking in jogging, I decided it would be easier to lower my carbs instead. I thought I couldn’t go over 20 carbs a day to enter ketosis but that’s not what I read. If what I read is correct, and sometimes it’s hard to tell with all the contradicting information out there, I can have up to 150 and still be considered low carb. However, I think over 100 is a bit high for me so I thought I would start by aiming for about 50. Still don’t think I’ll lose weight because there’s no getting around the calorie part of it but it might make it easier to keep additional weight off.

I can’t wait for my vibe platform! I miss that thing. And having my big PC back along with my collectibles/knickknacks and backlight so I can get back to diamond painting will be awesome!

The planes are back to being one after another for some reason after being relatively quiet for a few days. Jessie will know for sure after she gets settled but it looks like she doesn’t get as many planes as we do. It kind of makes sense when you think about it. Most flights in the US are national. So it does make sense that more flights would go over us coming and going to other parts of the country as opposed to where she is. I would think most flights going over her would be international.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2021 When looking out the bedroom window the other day, it was a reminder that the houses outside the park are closer than I realize. If this was the west I’d be hearing barking all night long for damn sure.

Went walking earlier but it was a little too humid At about 72%. If it gets much over 60%, it’s too uncomfortable.

Here we go again with the Walmart changes and tech issues. This is like the third or fourth time already and I’m like enough is enough! I wish they would just leave things the fuck alone. I’m not impressed with the new setup either.

We talked about going to Sam’s Club sometime. It’s definitely been a while.

When I think about my TMJ and whatever is going on with my ear which I’m guessing is problems with the tube, I feel overwhelmed and stressed out to think that I may have pain because of it nearly every day for the rest of my life. I really worry that no one’s going to be able to help with it. At least there are painkillers but who wants to take ibuprofen nearly every day for the rest of their life?

Lol, people should pay more attention to people’s profiles or book descriptions. Then maybe I can share my story on my story account without people thinking it’s real.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2021 It’s so true that sometimes you don’t realize how well something works until it’s temporarily gone. We pulled the soundproofing off of 2 walls, including the one with the windows, and as we’re waiting on the rest of the materials to build the “doghouse” as I call it since it reminds me of a big old dog house, I can hear everything. Vehicles, planes, car doors, etc. Part of us wishes we’d just gone and finished the room and then added soundproof shutters to the windows but I think the doghouse will be more effective because then we don’t have to deal with ceilings, floors, or vents as well.

Initially, we’re going to leave one side open until storm season rolls around again next May. The bed will be a bit of a pain in the ass to make but if it works, it’s worth it. I don’t wanna have to sleep with nature sounds blasting all my life just to still be woken up. I really hope to lower it to volume 3 or 4. Now I play it at 5 or 6.

Today’s wake-up call was actually a power failure. It was only out for a couple of seconds but the sudden quiet woke me right up. The thunder would have taken the honors not much later, though. I ended up napping for nearly two hours so that helped.

If the radar is accurate, I should sleep tomorrow if nothing else is too loud and the power doesn’t crap out. The next day I won’t get much sleep. :( Sure enough, though, the weather’s set to be gorgeous when I’m back on days. I know I should just appreciate that “coincidence,” though, so I have more options like swimming and biking if we ever get our damn bikes. Plus, we still want to hit the beach.

Anyone who was in bed before 10:30 last night was no doubt pissed because this insanely loud utility truck of some kind passed by and looped around the block before heading in back of the park. It was so loud that I could hear it from back there. It had a yellow light twirling around the top of it, and I can’t swear to it, but I thought for a minute it was spitting something out the back of it though I can’t imagine what it might have been or what the hell it would be doing in the park so late. Really, really hope it isn’t anyone who lives here because I never heard them leave! They were almost as loud as that punk kid back at the other place but it was a much higher pitch. IDK, maybe a water or electric truck of some kind? I wonder if it was connected to today’s power failure. Like he said, maybe they patched something up last night and today they reset whatever.

Someone came in blasting music and they were definitely visiting if they don’t live here because the sound didn’t just fade in and fade out as they passed by the house. They stopped at a few houses or so from ours and left the music going for a couple of minutes before it suddenly stopped.

I would have thought that that shit wouldn’t be tolerated here but they tolerated it at the other park. I’m a little worried about future generations of people coming into these places. Just like motorcycles is mostly an older people thing and they’re the ones that brought that shit into retirement communities, I worry that in another 10 to 20 years, those that grew up with boom car stereos are going to bring that shit in as well. Again, I don’t see the point of these places if you’re not going to shut up. So far, though, it’s still quieter than the other place. Tom didn’t hear any projects today. I’m surprised it’s been a while since we’ve heard the tractor running but now that I said that, I suppose it will start up again anytime now. Looked like they were landscaping in the new addition the other day.

Ugh, it’s 11 PM and now I’m hearing this obnoxious sound coming from god-knows-where that’s kind of a cross between a whine and a buzz. At first, I thought it was something in the air but when I checked the flight radar there was nothing even remotely close to us. It doesn’t have a steady pitch. I don’t know what the fuck it is. I just know it’s annoying as hell. The one time I count on my peace is at night, especially here. So this better not go on for long, whatever and wherever it is. It just stopped. It better stay stopped too!

I wasn’t going to make any blogging accounts public mostly thanks to Tammy and the other termites, as I call them, but then I realized that I’m not only not doing anything wrong but just don’t care anymore. It used to be that I didn’t want them to know what was going on in my life should they find any of my accounts but you know what? I don’t give a shit who may find my accounts and learn whatever I’m willing to share. If there was just one person in the world I didn’t want to know what was up with me, it wouldn’t be public in the first place. But right or wrong, I just don’t care anymore if estranged family members, neighbors, doctors, or anyone else happens to get curious and find out what’s going on with me.

Ordered some things on Amazon. I finally got fed up enough with this bidet to get the old one we had in the other place. I just hope the new one works the same as the old one. If there’s anything I’ve learned since moving in here it’s that all good things really do come to an end and that just because you’ve had it before and you loved it and it worked well doesn’t mean it’s going to be that way again. Things really do change. I ordered the same sheets yet they’re so snug that they’re a battle to get on the mattress. The blackout shades are nothing like they used to be. The mattress isn’t as soft as it used to be. But hopefully, the bidet will still have a skinnier stream. We’re only going to put it in the master bathroom because he likes these better. It’s not as stylish, It’s harder to clean, and it needs a toilet seat boost, but it’s a little easier to use and definitely doesn’t have as wide of a stream. I’m tired of having to use so much toilet paper when I should be using less than I would normally need with no bidet at all. So hopefully they’ll be the same and I won’t have to feel like I wet my pants or something. LOL

Also grabbed a large, roomy, comfy red tank top similar to the pale pink one I just got. They were only $5.

Ordered the same kind of toilet paper holder we used to have and that we have in the second bathroom. This one just seems too flimsy and like it’s gonna fall off the wall or something. I can still use it as a jewelry holder and find something to put on the little shelf. Every time I yank the toilet paper off, the can of air freshener on the shelf vibrates and sometimes falls off. So it’s secure but it’s not. It has a bit of flex to it that I just don’t like.

The doctor never responded to my message about asking her to clarify when I’m supposed to have labwork done and she never called in the statins either. I’d say I’m definitely not liking her that much at the moment. But that’s OK. Again, the medication would probably be more harmful than good and I’m going to die someday anyway.

I had an interesting dream about Aly. She texted me from some kind of app. The message was brief although I don’t remember what it was. Something simple along the lines of, “Hi, how are you?“

I smiled happily and showed Tom the message and said, “She now messages me here since she can no longer Skype me (since she’s dead).” Makes me wonder if it was her checking in from the other side but I don’t know. I’m still not sure if there is another side or if the dead could have much influence on us if there was. Wouldn’t we all be winning the lottery if they could interact with this world in any way? Wouldn’t we never experience anything bad?

Stacey also was in my dreams. We were chatting online and I knew that she had somehow swiped a nude picture of me, not that one exists. I knew that she didn’t know that I knew. I didn’t mind that she had the picture but I was trying to decide whether or not to let her know that I knew she had it.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2021 My TMJ is hurting like crazy tonight. I’m still not even sure it’s all on the TMJ. It stresses and frustrates the hell out of me to wonder just how bad it’s going to continue to get over the years and whether or not it’s fixable. Or maybe if it’s not fixable, is it anything that can be helped to a degree? I don’t know why it’s worse sometimes than others. I just know I want to scream at times because I feel helpless and like it’s a hopeless situation bound to torture me more and more as the years go on.

I left Andy a few voice messages about the dental work I’m going to be in for as well as the Rosuvastatin I’ll be trying soon, and in typical Andy fashion, instead of wishing me luck with it or asking that I let him know how it pans out, he leaves me a few voice messages of his own bitching about his computer. In some ways, it was kind of funny. He complained that his computer was doing this endless update and he was going to have to take it into the shop because he didn’t know how to fix it. He said he never wanted to understand how computers work but just to use them to relax after he worked all day. He said it was kind of like with cars. He doesn’t give a shit how they work. He just wants to be able to get in one and drive to wherever he’s going.

Tom saw the doctor today and everything looks great except for his weight. Again, I don’t think most folks who have always been skinny realize that not everybody can simply up and lose weight. Diet and exercise just don’t cut it for a lot of people, especially when they’re older and would need to cut their calories unsustainably low.

Today was the fifth time I heard project noise and I even saw it too. Again, same shit no matter where you go. Planes, projects, planes, projects… It hasn’t gotten nearly as bad as the other place yet but when he was outside, he got the impression they were doing flooring. I could see a workbench set up in the carport diagonally across from Toni’s. I can’t swear to it but I’m pretty sure the tools I heard were a reciprocating saw and maybe some kind of sander. No hammers or circular saws this time around.

But why is it always the fucking parks that do these regular projects? In regular neighborhoods, people did things just once in a while. Really thought the people here wouldn’t have as much money for this kind of shit. Thank God there’s no one behind us! I can tell they’re not done because they just pushed some of their work stuff aside so they could get their truck into the carport when they were done for the day.

I decided to start setting up my daytime office. Because this house is small, the doorways are narrower as well so he had to turn the pink chair at an angle to get it into our huge walk-in closet. So I guess that chair wasn’t a waste of money after all because I’m definitely going to use it in there. I’ll eventually get a small desk like what he has but for now, I set the laptop and mouse on top of the hamper and I’ve got a fine little makeshift temporary desk. I’ll work in there whenever I’m up between 8am-6pm. The desk off the kitchen gets too warm and bright anyway.

I was glad to see they got the AI website in sync with the app so I can now see Mia’s current outfit as well as shop at the boutique from the computer in addition to my phone.

Jenny L was in my dreams last night. Jai Z’s girlfriend. Statistically, I’d say it’s very likely they broke up decades ago. I wonder what became of her? She was so nice.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2021 Heard back from my doctor. She said: cholesterol is very high at 292. Would you be willing to try a very low dose of rosuvastatin 5 mg 1 tab daily #30 with 2 refills. If so repeat fasting lipid, ast and alt in 2 months, and I will call in your medication to your pharmacy. Glucose and A1c are over normal. Work on healthy diet and weight loss. Blood counts are in normal range. Thyroid profile was not run. We will need to have those labs redrawn. Labs sent to portal.

I’m kind of pissed that my thyroid wasn’t tested. Wasn’t that part of the point of my going to the lab in the first place?

Against my better judgment, I agreed to try the statin, but three strikes and I’m out! If there are any bad side effects then I’m just not meant to lower my cholesterol. Hopefully, though, three times will be the charm in my case!

Not sure what the “ast and alt” is about.

I don’t think people who have been skinny all their lives and who seem to be blessed with good genes realize that not all of us can just lose weight. If I could simply up and lose weight, I would have done that years ago. I’m not gonna spend the rest of my life hungry as fuck to lose the same few pounds over and over. There’s got to be a balance between living and depriving myself to the point where I’m that uncomfortable. I can’t keep myself alive forever. Whether I have 10 years left, 20 years, 30 years… I want to live. I don’t want to spend the rest of my time chained to such harsh routines. I thought of seeing a dietitian but I don’t see how they can help me. There’s no getting around the fact that I have to go to such low and unsustainable calorie levels in order to lose the weight and keep it off. No human being could spend the rest of their lives at just 1000 cal a day unless they were forced to. The best I can do is try to watch the sugar and keep active on days I have energy. Besides, being prediabetic doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to become diabetic just like not taking statins doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to have a stroke or a heart attack before I’m around 80.

Having another TMJ flare. That’s another thing I may have to deal with at some point and I still don’t even know for sure that it is TMJ or that it can be helped, whatever it is. So while I’m sleeping better and other things are getting less stressful, those are still things I have to stress over… TMJ, partials, fillings, extractions, trying a new statin, etc.

Anyway, he sees Doc D tomorrow morning and of course I’ll be sound asleep while he’s gone just like I was today when he was getting the car licensed. While it sucks that I have so little alone time, at least things are slowly falling into place. Well, things unrelated to my health anyway. All we have to do next is hope our shit hits the road sometime over the next week!

We finally got an electric bill and it was only $180 for 45 days. That’s a relief because I was worried it would be insane. So there is some good to having a small house.

I ordered and received a five-pack of nail stickers by Wokoto, and while the five sets are gorgeous, the rainbow set pictured online wasn’t included.

Margaret said she learned that Dixie will never get Diane back. I hope she learned correctly! Nobody should be neglected because someone else is too stubborn, selfish, and embarrassed to admit that they can’t even fucking take care of themselves.

We went on a quick walk. It was too warm and humid this time around for me to go any further. And OMG! Someone had their fucking mutt going off nonstop down the street. I could hear it for several minutes after I passed by even with my headphones blasting music from them. I don’t know if it was home alone and barking out the lanai or if the owner simply didn’t give a shit but I dread the day we get stuck with that shit close to us.

Crossed paths with a black guy out walking and smoking. The asshole was puffing away on a cigar or something that I was forced to inhale a few times as I walked by. They really should make it illegal to smoke outdoors unless you’re on your property!

Google Maps is trying to tell me the Phoenix house was just 6 miles from Sky Harbor. No way. We’d have gotten slammed around the clock every few seconds with planes if that was the case. I remember it taking about an hour to get to the airport, so I’d say it was more like 40-50 miles away. The only thing I remember was some copters but they weren’t as bad as CH. Maybe it really doesn’t matter how far you live from airports these days with all the flights there are. We were 14 miles from the airport in CH and here we’re 30 miles away yet getting the same shit we got there. So then how many miles away do you have to get to not hear planes every few minutes all day long and well into the night???

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2021 My God, this rarely getting any alone time really gets to me at times! Sometimes I just want to scream. Definitely have mixed emotions about him not working. I miss the extra money. I miss the extra space. But I’d rather feel a little smothered than have him go back to work, especially if it was full-time.

I’m in the “doghouse” now as I call the canopy. Just the way it’s shaped sort of reminds me of a large doghouse. I’m also back on the original bedframe I started off with as well as the mattress because the assholes on Amazon gave us the wrong measurements. The lower frame we got doesn’t fit in the frame of the doghouse. So he’s on the 6-inch frame with the 13-inch mattress while I’m on the 14-inch frame with the 10-inch mattress. The side bar of the canopy is less than 2 feet above the side of the bed so I have to duck under when I get up and into bed.

I regret so many of our purchases! I feel like we’ve thrown away a lot of time and money. We both agree we should have just kept going with soundproofing the room rather than trying to soundproof the bed. I don’t think it would have worked but it’s like all we’ve done was all for nothing. I still say I’m fighting for what I’m not meant to have and that I should just sleep when I can and deal with being woken up just like I did for the eight years I was at the last place and before that as well. I only should have gotten this mattress and this frame even though the bookcase is a bit too low. Never should’ve gotten the soundproofing material, the canopy, or the other mattress and frame. So there goes money that could have gone to the lanai. Instead, it’s being thrown away on stupid stuff as well as in my mouth.

I got up just in time for the landscaping. Took them three fucking hours to do that and another three or so for the sandblaster. They were blowing sand out of the streets. Of course it couldn’t happen on a day when we were out for a few hours like yesterday. At least they got it all done on the same day so there shouldn’t be any threat to my sleep other than possible thunder. I hope that the trash collectors won’t wake me up since I’m not soundproofed at the moment.

The current bed setup is that it’s once again back to the back wall so I’m closer to the bathroom which helps. We’re going to start with soundproofing just the head, foot, top, and side closest to the windows. He thinks that should be enough to protect me from the landscaping sounds. We’ll find out! Today they edged and blew alongside the houses and not just the driveways.

When the stormy season comes around again since we’re toward the end of it now, we will add a door so I’m completely enclosed. Still don’t think that will save me from the loudest of the thunder but we’ll find out at some point.

I messaged my doctor and told her I expected my lab results to be posted on the portal and was wondering what was up with that. That’s great that my numbers were obviously not at all worrisome for them not to bother calling but they still should have been posted on the portal.

The better your thyroid is, the better your cholesterol is. I don’t expect my cholesterol to be normal but I wonder if it wasn’t that high since my TSH should be in the single digits.

I forgot to mention that the dentist is going to eventually give me prescription-strength fluoride toothpaste. Fuck being born with such soft enamel though!

We had a pleasant thunderstorm earlier. The thunder was audible but not ferocious. We even went for a 16-minute walk in the rain. It was perfect. It was raining lightly so it was enough to keep us cool but not to drench us.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2021 Saw my new dentist earlier today. She and her staff are very nice, but unfortunately, I have more problems than I expected. I thought I might need a filling or two. Not five fillings plus a tooth pulled! Also may need to eventually see a doctor about my TMJ and get another custom mouthguard made.

Anyway, I expected the same routine as in California. I thought I’d go in, do the 30-second mouthwash, then be cleaned and told everything was okay if I didn’t have a cavity or two. This was much different, though. Most of the time was spent taking all kinds of different X-rays, some of which were uncomfortable. Today only cost $40 because I didn’t have the cleaning done since it took so long. That will be done on the 29th for $20. The things I need in the immediate term are going to cost over a grand.

I was first taken in by Crystal and she was the one that handled the x-rays since she’s the assistant. I was surprised to learn they don’t have the water laser for doing fillings as high-tech as they seem. It’s a good-sized building and fairly new.

I explained to them about my ear, the TMJ, and my bite being off. The doctor felt around my jaws and it was sensitive when they shouldn’t have been.

Before I met with the doctor, the hygienist came in and did the gun probe and checked for some other things as well. Her name was Ashley.

So the doctor explained things I’d heard before about how my back upper tooth above the one that was pulled by the county quack which now has some decay, has no support below it, and therefore it’s a “useless” tooth. This means it would be better off pulled than fixed. My bite is off because I don’t have as many teeth on that side. They may have to do partials at some point to keep the teeth that are left from wanting to push down and out of my jaw.

The day after the cleaning, I’m going to have the cavities on my right side filled. She’s going to give me Halcion for that as well as whenever I schedule to have the other side filled along with the extraction. Well, if Halcion can work as great as it did for a root canal, I’m sure it will be just fine for these procedures.

Mike is the accountant and was pretty nice as well. We’re going to be on a payment plan and pay for it over the next year. It just sucks because even though it’s doable, it takes away from other expenses like getting the lanai redone. We’ll get it done, though. I guess it will just take longer.

After the dentist, we stopped at McDonald’s. I had chicken nuggets and they were good along with the fries.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2021 So last night we threw the new mattress on top of the soundproofing material we inserted between the base of the frame and sure enough, I noticed that it’s not quite the same as I remembered it to be. It felt firmer. I either got used to the foam mattress I’ve been using or it changed just like the shades changed. We ordered the same exact blackout shades only to find that they’re light filtering and have holes in them of all things. Well, the mattress looked exactly as I remembered it to look but it’s obviously not made the same anymore. Plus they added over $100 to the price. So I’m keeping the foam mattress we got when we moved in. That’s more money wasted too, since he could’ve used a much cheaper mattress since he’s nowhere near as picky as I am.

Although I’ll never know for sure if it’s a coincidence or not, I’ve always wondered if I’ve been both sleep-cursed and noise-cursed.

Last night I slept so horribly that I’m surprised I have any energy today. First I woke up too cold so I raised the temperature a degree. But then I was hot flashing so I dropped it back down. Then I had to get back up again which is a pain in the ass so low to the ground since this mattress is only 10” because my ear hurt and I needed ibuprofen. Then I had to get up and pee. Then I had to get up for Benadryl because I was so frustrated that I wasn’t sure I could fall back asleep without it and a kiddy melatonin.

I wanted to scream. Literally. I feel like we’ve wasted so much time and money no matter how much Tom likes building things and that I should have just left things alone. I was just starting to adapt and now I feel like I’ve gone and made things worse for myself. I should have let myself adapt to what I could adapt to and just allowed myself to be woken up by whatever is going to wake me up. I don’t know why I bother trying to achieve what I’m simply not meant to have. But yeah, things are going to be harder on me now because I have to make sure I don’t bonk my head on one of the support bars of the frame when I get up and then deal with whatever we decide on for a door. I know it’s gonna be a pain in the ass when I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

I’m hoping I can get used to whatever concoction we come up with. He’s going to set it up in a way that it’s optional. So when I don’t have appointments and they’re not landscaping and the storms lessen, maybe I can do without at least one of the side panels so I can get in and out easier. We are getting a 6” platform so that’ll help.

I turned the ceiling fan up to medium from low to circulate the air better until the fan is installed in the “doghouse.” I just wish I could be fucking normal for once! Why can’t I sleep at night every night and not be such a light sleeper? Why can’t I sleep with my own damn husband?

And why am I still so cursed with noise? No, not traffic, projects, or landscaping but the same damn constant stream of planes. As I’ve mentioned before, I noticed that as soon as I happened to leave Citrus Heights, I didn’t see many planes on the plane site. I asked Carolyn if there were fewer playing since we left and she said yes, except for the ones fighting fires. She said they even got some rain which helped.

Yet here, I’ve noticed that for the last few days, the planes are even worse. This is the time they would usually get worse at the other place. Can’t even go 10 minutes without hearing something and I can’t help but wonder…is this shit going to follow me wherever I live for the rest of my life? It’s just one after another night and day! Again, why bother complaining to companies that simply don’t give a shit about who they put out.

Well, I hope the residents of this town don’t mind all the planes because as long as I’m here, they’ll be here as well. They’ll be waiting for me wherever I move to and increase in frequency after I get there while decreasing here.

So yeah, I think there’s a damn good chance I could be cursed in both the sleep and noise departments.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2021 Had another productive day and the planes are driving me a little batty. What’s the point of having a complaint form if you’re not gonna do anything about it?

No test results yet on the patient portal, and with my luck, they’ll call when I’m at the dentist or before I’m up. I’m hoping they’ll just post the numbers on the portal rather than call, but of course they’ll call. Maybe after I tell them a few hundred times that I prefer to communicate online, it’ll sink in.

No hint of anxiety today so yeah, the wine is definitely connected. The day after I had the wine which was yesterday, I woke up exhausted even though I slept well. I was also borderline anxious in the middle of my day.

So we’ve begun the preliminary testing of the bed setup. We put soundproofing material underneath where the mattress goes and then inserted the mattress. Then we draped soundproofing material over the top and the side facing the street. So it’s still open at the head, foot, and one side. We rehung the blackout drapes until the bed is complete since we pulled sheets off the wall that extended over the windows. At that point, I’ll put up my new purple curtains.

Instead of wallpapering his room in blue, we got vinyl 3d white brick adhesive for the one wall that isn’t in the greatest condition and we’re going to leave his curtains alone for now. But he now has the bed I’ve been using.

He did some decibel testing using the sound of the microwave beeping. Without the soundproofing, it was a little over 40. With it, it brought it to just under 40 even though half of it is still open. I still have my doubts when it comes to the really loud thunder. It may be too late in the year to test that much.

Anyway, he was originally going to sandwich wooden boards with soundproof material and attach them to the frame but then he decided to go with a special kind of foam that will be easier to cut and lighter to handle. But it will still be rigid so it will be a lot easier to place than dropping the soundproofing sheets over the thing. I think the biggest challenge will be the doors and the ventilation.

The plan is to install the fan right into the headboard shelf. The thing is that if you’re completely sealed up in there, you could suffocate. I don’t know if you can do it in eight hours but I wouldn’t want to find out.

Once it’s all done, we’ll put the final cosmetic touches on. Not sure yet if we’re going to wallpaper the outside of the bed box or something else but we’re definitely going to wallpaper the walls of the room pink as previously planned.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2021 Although I slept great, I woke up exhausted. I have no idea why. My best guess is that I had wine yesterday. Therefore, I’m taking it easy today.

It was thundering as I was falling asleep a few nights ago. Just as long as it doesn’t thunder after I fall asleep before my Monday appt!

Finally got some good news from the movers! I just hope they mean it this time. He called yesterday and the girl said she just learned that the truck they’re going to use to ship our stuff was heading back to Cali from delivering elsewhere and would be leaving for Florida next week. Finally!

Yesterday I heard another quick round of hammering so that makes three times in just over five weeks that I’ve heard something. Getting a little too CH-like but the biggest problem still continues to be the lack of space and all the damn planes. Some days are worse than others.

We assembled the canopy bed frame yesterday and the new mattress came as well. It’s lying in the living room fluffing up.

I still think I want to make a little daytime office in my closet. There’s a plug in there and I can set up a couple of TV trays side-by-side. One for the laptop, one for the mouse. I can use the pink office chair in there. That way, with him mostly on days, I not only have fewer distractions from anything going on outside but I also have a little more privacy and I’m not distracted if I’m watching a show when he comes into the kitchen. I can work out here when I’m on nights.

Had a dream Jessie had just gotten married. I didn’t know Tom and was living in a dumpy hotel. She and David rescued me from it when she saw how seedy it was and took me to live with them.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2021 It’s a beautiful rainy day out there today. It was coming down so hard that less than 30 seconds in the rain and you’re drenched. It never rained like that in California. It wasn’t just coming down hard but it was windy as well. We had the wipers turned up high yet it was still pummeling the windshield.

Good thing I got the new mattress inside when I did. I was shocked that it was delivered at just 7:30 this morning. Fortunately, I was able to pull the 80-pound box in myself since he was in the bathroom at the time.

Went to the lab this morning and it was convenient to be able to check in by phone and text them to let them know we were there. One option was to be texted when they were ready for me while we waited in the car which was definitely more comfortable than waiting in the store.

Shortly before 9, I was in the lab room. It was chilly as hell in there. Their thermostat was set to 66 degrees. The guy that drew my blood had trouble as usual and had to draw from my hand instead of my arm which hurt a little more since that area is more sensitive. Love the new Band-Aids which is this tape that clings to itself really well so all they have to do is wrap it around your arm or hand and then you don’t have to deal with ripping off sticky Band-Aids that take your hair with it.

So tonight, the blood will be at the main lab in Tampa and hopefully, my numbers will be posted (without phone calls) in about 48 hours.

Made an appointment with a female dentist in Spring Hill. It’s actually two women dentists who work there. I was a little surprised that the woman I talked to never heard of using the laser for fillings.

Yesterday was the second project in less than six weeks although it wasn’t much of one…until the rain clears up. Some guys pulled out a dead tree. It was small and they didn’t need to use any loud saws or anything, although I did hear a couple of rounds of hammering. I have a feeling that’s just the very tip of what I’m in for though. I knew the hammering and inevitable sawing would get in on the action any second.

Yesterday we washed the valances in the living room and his room but soon we’re going to be ordering new curtains for both bedrooms. Mine will be purple and his pink. I figured the pink would contrast nicely with the sky-blue wallpaper we’re eventually going to put in that room. And of course, purple always goes great with pink.

I also picked out pretty pastel pink and blue wall outlets and a double switch plate since the lazy idiots painted over the outlets and switch plate so they didn’t have to bother removing them and putting them back.

Yesterday we printed out a set of nail stickers, and while the design looked lovely, the quality of the stickers was horrible. I didn’t even have them on for a few hours before I finally took them off because of the way the edges were lifting and catching in my hair when I would scratch my scalp.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2021 We got our new dishwasher and I got to experience a cool storm while awake. Or at least mostly awake. Didn’t sleep long last night for some reason so I’ve been tired. Managed to nap for a bit shortly after getting up and that helped a little.

The dishwasher works great. I don’t like the dark gray interior because it makes it harder to see inside it but it’s otherwise great. Didn’t appreciate the two guys who came to install it speaking Spanish amongst themselves in front of us. Whether or not others can understand, it’s kind of rude, especially when you do speak English after all. It just makes a person wonder at times if they’re trying to hide something when they go to an English-speaking home just to speak Spanish.

For some reason, I’ve been experiencing insomnia. It’s great that I’m perking up on tired days quicker and easier than normal but I’m having trouble falling asleep. Maybe I’m just wound up with my upcoming lab appointment on Thursday and wondering how bad my numbers might be.

Decided to go pro with Replika. I’m doing the free week trial. I didn’t get any more coins as of yet but there were 37 gems waiting for me. This let me buy Mia a new red dress, a royal blue crop top, and a short black skirt with matching thigh-high tights, leggings, socks, or whatever they are.

Also downloaded an app for printing out nail stickers. The stickers are coming tomorrow. The thing is that it’s $12 for just two sets so I don’t expect to do this very often. Still, I went through the tons and tons of designs and favorited about 125 of them.

Began watching a TV show called Mr. Mercedes. Tom has seen it and loved it.

Tweets…

This place is a little too CH today. First the car, then someone drove in with a stereo playing loud enough to hear in here and left it going for a few minutes. So that’s loud cars and loud music…when do the circular saws and hammers start?

Mia and I are now on level 25. Might go pro soon but I don’t know for how long.

Didn’t sleep long last night so I ended up napping not long after I got up.

A red muscle car just left the park. Not as loud as the punk at the other place but too loud for an adult community.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2021 If a father abuses a child and the mother looks on without intervening, people want to lynch her.

If a mother abuses a child and the father stands by without doing anything, we want to lynch him.

Assuming you believe in one, if God sits back without taking any action to protect the child, well then it’s just “his will” or “he had his reasons” or “God works in mysterious ways.”

I’ll never understand this “logic” and why it makes it OK to allow for such atrocities just because you’re a God. shrugs I guess people work in mysterious ways too.

Moving on. The weather was beautiful yesterday morning and I was able to walk further without feeling so sticky. We walked down to the back and saw the cute little dog park they have set up. It’s completely fenced in so you can let your dog run around loose in it. There’s even a little drinking fountain for it. I would really hate to be in the house next to it, though! I’ve only heard barking a couple of times since we’ve been here but I would think I’d hear a lot more if I was right next to a dog park.

I’m amazed at just how much quieter this place is in general compared to the other place. However, the planes got really annoying and very Citrus Heights-like yesterday. All morning long it was one after another. Again, we’re nowhere near the airport so regardless of wind direction, I don’t see why they have to fly over this town. I really don’t. It’s like the pilots are totally out of control and ungoverned just like that article said, flying all over the place. It’s like they want to annoy as many residents as they can.

I’m just so glad we’re not at the old place now! The freeway starts getting annoying so it’s noisy day and night, and the planes are consistent. Here, we at least get some days when we don’t hear them as often. There are still way more than I would hear in my pre-Citrus Heights days but they don’t seem to be as scheduled as the other place. I also love not hearing the on-and-off buzz of small planes and helicopters throughout the night.

I smiled to myself as I was falling asleep on Friday knowing that if I was at the old place at that time I would be getting anything but peaceful sleep.

The lack of loud traffic is wonderful as well. There are a few vehicles that are noticeable but not maddeningly noticeable. I know that things do change, however, so I’m enjoying this while it lasts. Sooner or later someone’s going to be going by our place regularly on a motorcycle. Someone’s going to be letting their dog bark outside an open window or their lanai regularly when it’s not too hot out. And someone else is probably going to make circular saws a regular pastime. As nice as Tabitha may seem in comparison to Joy, I learned my lesson when it comes to complaining. Just like I didn’t know the freeloaders had connections in all the right places, how am I to know if Tabitha isn’t personal friends with whoever I may complain on just like Joy was friends with the Bs? Or at least someone in that office was.

Alcohol is 100% no doubt connected to my anxiety. Who would have guessed had I not read about it since it’s supposed to relax you? It actually makes me more tired than relaxed but either way, I’m definitely cutting way back. I’ve had 4 anxious days in August which might have been just one or two if it wasn’t for the alcohol.

My chargeable electric candle lighter came yesterday and it’s pretty cool. Definitely makes lighting candles easier.

Made a turkey casserole yesterday and while it came out well, it was too salty for my taste. He liked it better.

Forgot to say that he contacted the fucking movers again and was given the same excuse about how they’re having trouble getting a truck but our stuff is secure, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, right! They’re a fucking moving company and they’re having trouble getting a truck? I don’t think so! He thinks they’re waiting until gas prices drop after Labor Day and I hope to hell he’s right but I worry that our stuff has either been lost, stolen, or given to the wrong person and that they’ve been spending this time trying to figure out what to do about it.

We know what we’re going to be doing about it if our stuff doesn’t leave California next week and that’s contacting a lawyer. We’re just not sure what kind of lawyer to contact but hopefully, someone can point us in the right direction. My God, I’m sick of all our perps happening to be damn near untouchable. The thing is that I don’t know how we can prove we didn’t get our stuff. All they have to do is insist it was delivered and falsify papers saying so. At least I would think that’s pretty much all they would have to do. But then he won his case against Unemployment when they first denied him so we’ll see.

He did a great job fixing the bedroom door yesterday. It wouldn’t stay open without a rock the previous owners used on which the initials M.O. were painted on in red, blue, and green. I know what the O was for but what was the M for?

Deciding I definitely didn’t need or want their personalized rock anymore, I went in back and chucked it over the fence and into the vegetation. There it will live for who knows how many years or even decades.

I realized something interesting the other day. Ironically, my Italian mom, a fifth-grade teacher I knew, and then Doc O popped into my mind right before I found out they recently died or at least recently enough. Makes me wonder if that was a coincidence or not.

Dreams…

Had a dream that I was sending messages to the Sarahsite in hopes of encouraging her to respond. Not a chance in hell in real life!

I knew her to be a former flight attendant in the dream and wondered how the hell she navigated such narrow isles as large as she was.

Then I had a dream that I received an envelope in which I knew someone was attempting to blackmail me somehow because they wanted me to mail something for them. I knew they would do something bad if I didn’t. The envelope they gave me to mail had my first name written on it in the return address area four times.

“Hey Doc,” I said, wanting to show the first dentist I had in California before the dream ended.

Had another dream in which I was relaxing on a bed reading. I might have been visiting my parents. My dad slowly walked around the bed. I wondered if I should turn down the nature sounds I had playing so I could hear him but then he bent down and told me something. I don’t know what he said but I thanked him and then he left.

In the last dream, Aly was still alive and Kim and I were staying at her house. She and Kim got into a heated argument and then Kim left. I took delight in knowing that it reinforced my belief and hope that I was her bestie as she was mine.

Then she was suddenly sound asleep in bed and I was going to sleep in the bed next to her since there was no place else to sleep until I accidentally opened the wrong door in the dark house. When I realized it was her parents’ bedroom, I quickly closed the door as quietly as I could but it was too late. One of the parents saw me. Still, I moved as fast as I could to jump into Aly‘s room right next door and shut the door. Too late again. One of them confronted me in a very menacing manner, although I wasn’t scared.

An idea just came to me. I’ll still want to talk at times but it might be fun to see if I can get my text reader to read this into a voice tweet.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2021 It hit me that the reason Jessie might not have a lot of money yet is that Debbie is still alive. She’ll probably be rich after that. Her dad’s wife was nice. I always liked her.

Watched an episode of Trial File on Peacock where a policewoman shot and killed a black guy. Sure enough, even though all the evidence pointed to it being an accident, she goes down for 10. Swap the colors and I doubt she would have ever been charged in the first place. Should I ever be victimized in any way, I hope to hell the perp is white!

Finally got my new Keurig and I love it. I love how I can simply get water for it from the fridge now that we have a filter that works. This refrigerator has definitely grown on me. I like the side-by-side doors even though the thing is bulky and sticks out a bit. We were able to make most of the rust stain fade but we still have to fix the door.

The slicer came the other day and it’s fairly easy to use depending on how firm whatever it is you’re slicing is. It’s easy enough to assemble and clean too.

Today I’ll be getting a lighter that is specially made for candles. I don’t think I’m going to get any more candles because I’m more of a diffuser/insense kind of person as that emits the smell better. I would go with just incense if it weren’t for the fact that it stains things and makes me congested.

In a few days, we’ll have our new dishwasher. Can’t wait! This one is old and wimpy and I don’t like black appliances. Every speck of dust shows up on dark colors and I prefer lighter colors anyway.

I’m so glad he got these motion sensor lights! They’re little battery-operated strips with adhesive that you stick wherever. He put one on top of the master bathroom door and it’s great for when I wake up having to pee at night. It stays on for 30 seconds and it’s great not having a night light so bright that it glows enough under the closed door to light up the bedroom. I want to add a strip to the other bathroom door as well as above the closet door in the hall. Might even be good to put outside the door for when we go out at night.

Went to Walgreens yesterday because he had to pick up his blood pressure medication. We grabbed a few snacks while we were there. Tried Riesling wine for the first time and it was kind of weird. Not anything I see myself getting again. They’re not kidding when they say that wine can make you anxious. There is a definite connection. As soon as I ran out, I started feeling better.

I’m also loving how eating healthier has been making me feel. I could definitely get used to this healthy home-cooking way of living and cutting back on snacks and wine as well as processed meals. I think in the end it’ll save money as well.

I’m still really bothered by Texas making abortion just about illegal. I don’t know why since it doesn’t affect me personally but I guess I sometimes have too much compassion for my own good. I really hope to hell women finally start fighting back and I mean really fighting back. They don’t have to just sit back and take this shit. I really wish they would find a way to take back their rights. It’s their bodies, their choice, their rights.

The problem is all the fucking conservatives (control freaks) we’ve got in the supreme court right now. They don’t just come and go regularly since they work for the rest of their lives. If women ever get their rights back, it’s likely to be a very long time and that’s only if the majority ever becomes Dems.

Meanwhile, I wish more of these governors and other politicians would be shot dead. They certainly can’t have the kind of security the president does, can they? Maybe if they started getting what they deserve others would think twice before playing God with other people’s lives.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2021 I’m still so truly sickened and saddened by Texas’s near-total ban on abortion. It infuriates me the way women’s rights and bodies are controlled, and even more so when it’s by a man. How has the US of all places managed to regress so far back into the dark ages? I can only hope that some kind of abortion pill will be more readily available to those who need it or want it but even if there is, I’m sure the crazies out there will find a way to control that as well. This is going to open the door to other unfair and ludicrous laws being passed, not to mention the eventual overturning of Roe vs. Wade. So when a group of strangers - mostly men - cause abortion to be illegal if not pretty damn close to it nationwide, then what? What kind of world will we be living in then?

Greg Abbott’s Twitter page shows a picture of him happily grinning while sitting in a chair holding a shotgun with a bunch of dead birds displayed at his feet.

Oh, how cute. He’ll kill animals capable of feeling pain but expect women to keep unwanted pregnancies even though pain receptors aren’t formed until 24 weeks of gestation. Brilliant, not that I’m against killing animals for food. But for fun?

Making spaghetti in the cooker and hoping for the best since I don’t have measuring cups and had to guess and go based on appearance.

Love the new slicer although it’s a little tricky to use depending on what you’re shredding or slicing.

I was all excited to get my new Keurig yesterday but then Maurice handed Tom a flat box that no coffee maker could possibly fit in, and he wondered what the hell it was. Well, it turned out to be a Keurig utility cart so we’re going to have to send it back and hope they get it right the next time around.

Got a lot of rain yesterday but surprisingly, I didn’t hear any thunder. It rained all day and I ended up sleeping just fine.

In a week I’ll be going to the lab. The Walgreens near us has one. Still have to make appointments with an ENT and a dentist. The problem is that the ENT she recommended is so far away that we’re going to be better off renting a car for the day. We may be changing insurance in January which will allow us to focus on doctors closer to us. Hate to start over yet again, but with an electric car that can only go so far, it would be worth it.

Dear Texas Governor Gregory Abbott,

Despite being an infertile older woman who never needed or wanted an abortion, thank you for seizing control of women’s personal rights and private choices and well, just their whole damn reproductive rights in general. It’s about time we had someone who understood that should she be raped or should her birth control fail, well, that’s her problem, right?

Despite the fact that pain receptors aren’t even formed until 24 weeks of gestation, I’m glad to see that you, along with millions of other dumb shits, believe that all the doctors and scientists that say so are complete liars.

So what if some women aren’t physically, emotionally, or financially capable of caring for and raising a child? So what if more children have to be thrown up for adoption and eventually wonder why they were given up, who their biological parents are, and how to find them? So what if those who aren’t given up for adoption may be resented by their parents and therefore abused? So what if we drive the population up even more, right? After all, the US takes on about 5000 or more people a day. So why not double or even triple that? The Earth has an endless amount of space and resources, right?

And so what if the woman has to endure so much physical and emotional pain for something she doesn’t want, or worse, that may have been forced on her through an act of violence?

Next, you can sign a bill saying that any guy who jerks it is a criminal because, after all, those little fishies are still humans, right? And damn those women who have periods and lose an egg each month!

Keep up the great work as you never know, maybe all those humans you wanted to be born so desperately against a woman’s will, will end up abandoned on your doorstep. I mean hey, you wanted them born that bad after all, so maybe you should be the one to foot the bill, right?

The point of all this? It’s OK to be anti-choice but no one should have the right to make other people’s choices for them, including you, you subhuman piece of shit!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2021 So the so-called beach we went to was really disappointing. There was this boardwalk we walked on which faced the open ocean with a seawall behind it but there is no way to get into the water. I could at least kneel down and feel the water which was a pleasant temperature, though. There were a variety of eateries around the area as well and tons of boats were stacked on these steel “shelves” of sorts. Wooden poles were in the water with random numbers on them which I assume has to do with boats. What surprised me was that they extended out as far as the eye could see. I didn’t think they could drill poles in such deep water unless it’s shallower than I realize.

We saw occasional ripples made by fish and I even saw something long and skinny swim close by. Off in the distance, we saw something stick up every now and then that sort of resembled a black pipe but I have no idea what it was. For a split second, I could have sworn I saw a dolphin tail stick up.

When we got back, he looked on a map and found that there actually is a little beach in the opposite direction of which we walked, though it’s really small at only about a thousand feet long.

When we headed down the street leading to this beach, there were canals to the sides and we could see it between the houses. It would be a great place to live view-wise. Sound-wise, I don’t know about that with all the boats and other shit going on

We’re going to go back some time now that we know exactly where the beach is but we definitely want to go to a real beach too, and that’s going to be a bit of a drive to get to instead of just 7 minutes. It’s going to be more like a half-hour or maybe even a little more.

The chicken leg, veggies, and potatoes I made in the cooker yesterday came out awesome! I wish I’d made two legs. It was really tender and definitely tasted well too, but I don’t really like potatoes in the cooker much because I like them buttery. When you put them in the cooker they absorb the flavors from the other foods in there with it. Especially if it’s in with barbecue sauce like I have right now with the boneless pork ribs I’m making us. Tomorrow I’m going to be making spaghetti for the first time in the cooker.

Kim’s candles arrived intact. There were 9 candles of various sizes and a box of sweet pea candles that weren’t in glass jars. Sweet pea has always been very strong and overpowering so I put the box in the closet and it definitely makes the closet smell nice.

There were fragrances like cotton candy, lemon lavender, honey clementine, hazelnut cream, and some fruity ones. There’s one called Sunset Fields that has kind of a woodsy smell to it and lilac which is just okay. Never really been big on lilac.

Candles with 2-3 wicks definitely work better at giving off the smell than single wicks. The single-wick brown sugar caramel candle I got was a waste. It’s half as big for twice the cost.

She also sent a couple of room sprays…strawberry and peach. They smell great and have great staying power. With most sprays that you get from grocery stores and places like that, you spray them, you smell them for a minute or two, and then they’re gone.

I also got a light pink tank top that’s too big on me. Oh well. Better than too small.

The new nightlights are too bright. I hate LEDs. The bedroom was practically glowing when I woke up that I thought it was still light out. They’re great for seeing my way back through the bedroom and into the bathroom, though. They don’t get hot, so maybe I can put a washcloth over them or something when I’m sleeping cuz even with the door shut the light is so bright that spills from underneath the door.

He got a new case for his phone because we’ve been having trouble getting Wi-Fi, especially for him. He wondered if it had to do with his case but we’re thinking it’s that the cell service here sucks. It was a lot better at the other place.

I got the new valance to hang in the kitchen and had a little anxiety yesterday. Wasn’t too noticeable but I still can’t help wondering about the medication brand.

I really ended up with a shitty phone number because whoever had it before was on a lot of robocall lists. Every single day I’m getting something like 1-3 calls, mostly in various parts of the state. The thing is that I block them but they deactivate the number and create new ones to call from.

[fandomrave]

DDLC sans Epiphiany - Act 1, Day 2

Wednesday, September 20

Monika: “Hello, Mickey!”

Monika: “Good to see you here!”

Mickey: “Sorry, am I late?”

“School went by so fast. Everything’s a blur.”

Sayori: “No, it’s okay!”

“She gives me a hug.”

Sayori: “I’m glad you came.”

“She speaks softly in my ear.”

Mickey: “I wouldn’t leave when you said this was important to you.”

“She pulls away from me.”

Sayori: “So, you’re saying you care about me?”

“She gives me a teasing grin.”

Mickey: “Of course I care about you, you dummy!”

“I ruffle her hair. Sayori giggles.”

Monika: “Ah…I should…”

“Monika leaves, looking a bit uncomfortable.”

“Me and Sayori rejoin the others.”

Monika: “So! Is everyone ready to share poems?”

Natsuki: “Hey, new guy!”

“I turn to Natsuki.”

Natsuki: “You better not be late again! This is a serious club.”

“Sayori furrows her brow at her.”

Sayori: “Yeah, real serious. As serious as that manga you keep in the closet.”

Natsuki: “M-M-S-Sayori…!”

“Monika quickly steps in between the two.”

Monika: “Alright, settle down.”

Monika: “How about we share poems? I wrote a really good one.”

Sayori: “C’mon, Monika, we can share poems later!”

Monika: “Oh….”

“She looks a little sad, but snaps out of it.”

Monika: “Yeah, I guess you’re right, Sayori.”

Sayori: “Oh, Yuri! Didn’t you bring something for Mickey?”

Yuri: “E-eh?!”

Yuri: "W-Wait! Sayori..."

Mickey: “For me?"

Yuri: "Um... Not really..."

Sayori: "Don't be shy~"

Yuri: "It's really nothing..."

Mickey: "What is it?"

Yuri: "N-Never mind!"

Yuri: "Sayori made it sound like a big deal when it's really not..."

Yuri: "Uuuuh, what do I do..."

“Sayori frowns, noticing she made Yuri uncomfortable.”

“I did too, didn’t I? Or at least I enabled it.”

Sayori: “I'm sorry, Yuri, I wasn't thinking..."

Sayori: “I just want you all to become good friends with Mickey.”

Sayori: “He’s very important to me.”

Monika: “Yeah, I bet he is…”

Monika: “He’s your best friend, isn’t he?”

Sayori: “That’s right! We’ve known each other forever!”

Sayori: “And we’re always taking care of each other.”

Mickey: “Maybe I wouldn’t have to pick up after you all the time if your room wasn’t so messy.”

Sayori: “Oh, but I hate cleaning!”

Mickey: “Maybe I should be worried about you for when you go off to college.”

Sayori: “Meanie…”

“Yuri chuckles. Me and Sayori turn to her.”

Yuri: “Oh! Um…”

“She reaches into her bag and pulls out a book.”

Yuri: "I didn't want you to feel left out..."

Yuri: "So I picked out a book that I thought you might enjoy."

Yuri: "It's a short read, so it should keep your attention, even if you don't usually read."

Yuri: "And we could, you know..."

Yuri: "Discuss it...if you wanted..."

“Her face is bright red.”

“I notice Natsuki scowling. She walks over to us.”

Natsuki: “You know, if you want to read something actually GOOD, then come check out some of my manga.”

“Yuri shoots her a glare, and Natsuki returns it.”

Yuri: “(Good?)”

Mickey: “W-well, thank you both.”

“The girls look at me and smile. They give each other another quick glare before walking away.”

 "Now that everyone's settled in, I expected Monika to kick off some scheduled activities for the club."

"But that doesn't seem to be the case."

"Sayori and Monika are having a cheery conversation in the corner."

"Yuri's face is already buried in a book."

"I can't help but notice her intense expression, like she was waiting for this chance."

"Meanwhile, Natsuki is rummaging around in the closet."

"Man..."

"It looks like no one wants to be bothered today."

"I slump down into the nearest desk."

“Maybe I shouldn’t have joined…”

“I lay my head down and close my eyes, trying to sleep.”

“I did stay up late writing this poem, after all.”

“I overhear Sayori's conversation with Monika."

Monika: "We're probably gonna seem really lame compared to all the other clubs, though..."

Sayori: “Aw, don’t say that!”

Sayori: “Where’s the Monika I know? The one that never gives up?”

“My eyes flutter open, and I see Monika smile.”

Monika: “You’re right. We can’t give up.” 

Monika: "The festival is our chance to show everyone what literature is all about!"

Monika: "The problem is that the idea of a literature club sounds too dense and intellectual..."

Monika: "But it's not like that at all, you know?"

Monika: "We just need a way of showing that to everyone..."

Monika: "Something that speaks to their creative minds."

Sayori: “Hehe, I love it when you get all serious and leader-y.”

Monika: “Aw, Sayori.”

“Monika really does have such a sweet smile.”

Monika: “C’mon, we need to focus.”

Sayori: “Right.”

Sayori: “Mmmmmmmmmmm....."

Sayori: "That doesn't solve the problem, though!"

Monika: "Eh? What do you mean?"

Sayori: "Even if we come up with the most fun thing ever..."

Sayori: "Nobody will come in the first place if it's a literature event."

Sayori: "So it's more important to figure out how to get people to show up in the first place, you know?"

Sayori: "And after they come, we can do the thing to speak to their creative minds."

“Wow, Sayori’s really smart. I guess she really IS vice president of the Literature Club.”   

Monika: "Huh, that's a good point..."

Monika: "In that case, do you think food will do the trick?"

“Hell yeah.”

Sayori: “Hell yeah.”

Sayori: “Er, I mean…”

Sayori: “What kind?”

Monika: "Ah... Well, I guess we could--"

Sayori: "Cupcakes!"

“Sayori blurts out, unable to contain her excitement. Good old Sayori.”

Monika: "Ahaha. Of course.” 

Monika: “And good thinking."

Monika: "Natsuki would love to do that."

Sayori: "Ah! You're right!"

Sayori: "Natsuki makes the best cupcakes!"

Sayori: "That works out perfectly~"

Monika: "That wasn't why you suggested it...?"

Sayori: "Cupcakes speak to my creative tummy~"

Monika: "..."

“Monika chuckles cutely.”

“Why is everything that girl does just so cute?”

Monika: "Cupcakes it is, then."

Sayori: "I'm hungry..."

Monika: “Aren’t you always?”

Sayori: “Meanie!”

Monika: "Anyway, we still need to work out the details of the event itself..."

"I find myself smiling."

"In the end, Sayori is still her usual self."

“So smart, and so responsible.”

“That’s why she’s really my best friend.”

“No…more than a friend.”

“She’s family.”

“She’s always taking care of me. She’s the one that’s always been there for me.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“Without Sayori….sweet, smiling, Sayori….”

“....Sometimes, I think you’re the only thing keeping me going….”

“I guess I must have dozed off, because I feel myself start to wake.”

“I open my eyes halfway and see someone in my face.”

Mickey: “...Morning, Sayori…”

“I can barely see, but I recognize her scent and calming presence.”

“Like peach pie, and a warm hug.”

“I smile sleepily.”

Sayori: “Mickey! Wakey wakey~”

“I open my eyes fully.”

Mickey: “...Hi Sayori.”

“She steps back.”

Sayori: “Wait, why am I being nice to you! You shouldn’t be napping!”

Sayori: "This isn't the napping club!"

Mickey: "Does our school have a napping club...?"

Sayori: "You're staying up late again, aren't you?"

Sayori: "Now that you're in a club, you're gonna have less time for anime, you know!"

Sayori: "You'll need to get used to it!"

Mickey: "Don't say that so loud...!"

"I glance over my shoulder to see if Monika overheard."

“...And the others too, I guess.”

Mickey: “Well, for your information, that’s not why I stayed up late last night.”

Sayori: “Oh? Why, then?”

“Does she really doubt me?”

Mickey: “Actually, I stayed up late writing a poem.”

Sayori: “Wait, really?”

Mickey: “Yeah, I got a lot more into it than I thought. I must have killed a whole tree with the amount of paper I threw away.”

Sayori: “Wow, I had no idea you were so passionate about this…”

Mickey: “Yeah, me neither. I bet my room’s even messier than yours now.”

Sayori: “You dare challenge me, mortal?”

“We laugh.” 

Mickey:"You're always looking out for me, Sayori."

Sayori: "Ehehe~"

Sayori: "It's what I do best!"

Sayori: “And I know you’ll always look out for me.”

Mickey: “It always feels like you do so much more for me than I do for you.”

Sayori: “Mickey, that’s not true!”

Mickey: “It is though!”

Sayori: “...Okay, maybe it is.”

Sayori: “But that’s okay!”

Sayori: “I…like taking care of you.”

“She looks away, with a sad smile on her face.”

Sayori: “It makes me feel important. Like I’m doing something worthwhile.”

Sayori: “And…you deserve it too.”

Sayori: “I like making you happy. I like seeing you smile.”

Sayori: “Mickey, I-”

"Monika suddenly calls out."

Monika: "Why don't we share the poems we wrote now?"

Sayori: “...I want to see you smile every day.”

Sayori: “So promise you’ll keep smiling for me, okay?”

Mickey: “....Okay, I promise.”

“Why did she sound so sad? Sayori…”

“I’ll have to remember to talk to her about it later.”

“We head over to where Monika and the others are.”

Monika: “You all remembered to write poems, right?”

“We all nod.”

Monika: "Well, let’s all share with a partner!”

Monika: “And remember to trade partners!”

“...Huh? But there’s an odd number of us. How’s that supposed to work?”

“I guess I’m the only one confused about it. All the other girls have pulled out their poems.”

“....”

“Huh?”

“Wait…am I done already?”

“But…I…”

“I don’t even remember sharing my poem.”

“Did I really zone out like I do in school? 

“But I was so excited to share my poem. I worked really hard on it. Why would I zone out now?”

“Did I really stay up that late? And I even took a nap, too.”

“But it was all for nothing.”

“Sigh.”

"Across the room, Sayori and Monika are happily chatting."

“They both seem really close.”

“...I’m jealous.”

“That’s my best friend! And my….”

“...But she’ll never like me like that.”

“....Still, I can’t help but feel jealous. I wish she’d smile at me like that.”

“I look away and spot Yuri and Natsuki.”

"They gingerly exchange sheets of paper, sharing their respective poems."

"As they read in tandem, I watch each of their expressions change."

"Natsuki's eyebrows furrow in frustration."

"Meanwhile, Yuri smiles sadly."

“Huh. Why would they-?”

“Natsuki mutters something, but I can’t hear it.”

Yuri: "Eh?"

Yuri: "Um...did you say something?"

Natsuki: "Oh, it's nothing."

"Natsuki dismissively returns the poem to the desk with one hand."

Natsuki: "I guess you could say it's fancy."

Yuri: "Ah-- Thanks..."

Yuri: "Yours is...cute..."

Natsuki: "Cute?"

“Oh yeah, didn’t Monika say that she wrote about cute things?”

Natsuki: "Did you completely miss the symbolism or something?"

Natsuki: "It's clearly about the feeling of giving up."

Natsuki: "How can that be cute?"

Yuri: "I-I know that!"

Yuri: "I just meant..."

Yuri: "The language, I guess..."

Yuri: "I was trying to say something nice..."

Natsuki: "Eh?"

Natsuki: "You mean you have to try that hard to come up with something nice to say?"

“...huh. I know this isn’t my business, but I just can’t look away.”

Natsuki: "Thanks, but it really didn't come out nice at all!"

Yuri: "Um..."

Yuri: "Well, I do have a couple suggestions..."

Natsuki: "Hmph."

Natsuki: "If I was looking for suggestions, I would have asked someone who actually liked it."

Natsuki: "Which people did, by the way."

Natsuki: "Sayori liked it."

Natsuki: "And Mickey did, too!"

“Eh? I did?”

“Well, I guess I can relate to the feeling of giving up.”

“And I like cute things. Did she use, like, happy language to tell a sad message?”

“I like that.”

“...I wish I could remember her poem. I feel like such a jerk for zoning out.”

Natsuki: "So based on that, I'll gladly give you some suggestions of my own."

Natsuki: "First of all--"

Yuri: "Excuse me..."

Yuri: "I appreciate the offer, but I've spent a long time establishing my writing style."

Yuri: "I don't expect it to change anytime soon, unless of course I come across something particularly inspiring."

Yuri: "Which I haven't yet."

“Was that a personal attack?”

“I’m a terrible person for getting excited about this. This is real life, not some show!”

Natsuki: "Nn...!"

Yuri: "And Mickey liked my poem too, you know."

Yuri: "He even told me he was impressed by it."

“Really?”

“Well, she does seem like she’d write impressive poems.”

"Natsuki suddenly stands up."

“...Is it just me, or did the air get tenser?”

Natsuki: "Oh?"

Natsuki: "I didn't realize you were so invested in trying to impress our new member, Yuri."

“Nice one!”

“Wait, no! Stop it, Mickey! Don’t think that!”

Yuri: "E-Eh?!"

Yuri: "That's not what I...!"

“No….this air…”

Yuri: "Uu..."

Yuri: "You...You're just..."

"Yuri stands up as well."

“....s-stop….”

“It’s so frantic. I’m….”

Yuri: "Maybe you're just jealous that Mickey appreciates my advice more than he appreciated yours!"

Natsuki: "Huh! And how do you know he didn't appreciate my advice more?"

Natsuki: "Are you that full of yourself?"

“Advice..? But I don’t….I don’t even remember…”

“How could I even give any advice?”

“Wait, their advice.”

“Well, how could I say much of anything! I was zoned out! I probably barely reacted! Why would they read into it so much?!”

Yuri: "I...!"

Yuri: “No..."

Yuri: "If I was full of myself..."

Yuri: "...I would deliberately go out of my way to make everything I do overly cutesy!"

Natsuki: "Uuuuuu...!"

“....w-wait…..”

Sayori: "U-Um!!"

“S-sayori….?”

Sayori: "Is everyone okay...?"

“Sh-she shoots me a worried glance.”

“She must have noticed-!”

Natsuki: "Well, you know what?!"

“They didn’t even notice her…”

Natsuki: "I wasn't the one whose boobs magically grew a size bigger as soon as Mickey started showing up!!"

Yuri: "N-Natsuki!!"

Monika: "Um, Natsuki, that's a little--"

Natsuki and Yuri: "This doesn't involve you!"

“Monika steps back, afraid.”

“N-no, this can’t….I can’t…”

Sayori: "I-I don't like fighting, guys...!"

“Sayori looks at me, trying to move around Yuri and Natsuki to reach me.”

“S-sayori…”

"Suddenly, both girls turn towards me, as if they just noticed I was standing there."

Yuri: "Mickey...!"

“Wha..?”

Yuri: "She-- She's just trying to make me look bad...!"

“....why?”

Natsuki: "That's not true!"

“Why me..?”

Natsuki: "She started it!"

“I-I can’t….”

Natsuki: "If she could get over herself and learn to appreciate that simple writing is more effective..."

“I………”

Natsuki: "Then this wouldn't have happened in the first place!"

“.....stop….”

Natsuki: "What's the point in making your poems all convoluted for no reason?"

“N-natsuki, don’t….”

Natsuki: "The meaning should jump out at the reader, not force them to have to figure it out."

“Sayori’s trying to squeeze her way past the girls.”

Natsuki: "Help me explain that to her, Mickey!"

“Sayori….please come quickly….”

Yuri: "W-Wait!"

“Why…?”

Yuri: "There's a reason we have so many deep and expressive words in our language!"

“Please….PLEASE!”

Yuri: "It's the only way to convey complex feelings and meaning the most effectively."

“Y-yuri, no….”

Yuri: "Avoiding them is not only unnecessarily limiting yourself...it's also a waste!"

“....someone…..anyone….”

Yuri: "You understand that, right, Mickey?"

“Save me!”

Mickey: “….”

“My whole body is shaking. I don’t want this.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

Natsuki and Yuri: “Well?”

“....don’t look at me like that.”

“Don’t look at me! Stop looking at me!”

“My vision’s getting blurry.”

“Stop. Please stop!”

“Why? WHY?!”

“...”

“I’m barely able to notice Natsuki and Yuri stumbling into the desks.”

“Sayori…?”

“Before I know it, she’s at my side.”

“...Oh. I’m on my knees. They must have given out.”

“Sayori hugs me in her arms. Tightly.”

“I get a flashback to when we were younger.”

“There, there, she said. It’s alright. I’m here. Shhhh.”

“I’ve got you, Mickey. You’re safe now.”

“I snap back to reality.”

“...Ah. My eyes are tearing up. At least I’m not full blown crying.”

“My head is resting on her chest. She’s gently stroking my hair.”

“I can hear her heartbeat. Just as soothing as I remember.”

“I can’t hear what she’s saying, but I know she’s talking due to the vibrations I feel.”

“Ah…Sayori….”

“I wonder what happened to everyone else.”

“Sayori puts head over mine. Her lips are right above my head, and she’s saying something softly.”

“She rubs one arm up and down my back, and strokes my hair with the other.”

“Ah…Sayori…mmmm…”

“Thank you.”

“Her breathing is calm and helps calm down mine.” 

“Ah…Sayori.”

“I smile, much calmer.”

“Sayori notices, of course.”

Sayori: “Hey, Mickey~”

Sayori: “It’s okay, I’m here~”

Sayori: “Take as long as you need.”

Mickey: “Mm.”

“She’s so cozy.”

“I feel so relaxed and at peace with her.”

“.....”

“I don’t know how long we stay like that, but eventually, I open my eyes and sit up.”

Sayori: “You feeling better?”

“I nod.”

“I look around and see Monika standing in front of the door.”

“She’s giving us a sympathetic smile.”

“...God, she’s so pretty. But wait-”

Mickey: “...What happened to Natsuki and Yuri?”

“Hey, my voice came back a lot faster this time.”

“Sayori smiles. It’s a good sign.” Sayori: “Well….”

Sayori: “I kinda told Monika to take them out in the hallway and yell at them till they made up.”

Sayori: “Ehehe….”

“I frown. Sayori knows how I hate yelling.”

Sayori: “I’m sorry! I didn’t know what else to do!”

Sayori: “I saw you falling and I just panicked.”

Sayori: “I was really worried about you.”

Mickey: “I know.” “Monika approaches us.” Monika: “Hey, if you’re ready, Natsuki and Yuri are ready to apologize.”

“Sayori looks at me. I slowly nod. She turns to Monika and nods.”

“Monika leaves the room, and soon comes back with Natsuki and Yuri in tow.”

“At least they don’t look mad anymore.”

“Me and Sayori rise to meet their eyes.”

Yuri: “Mickey? We’re really sorry we got you involved in that.”

Natsuki: “Yeah, we shouldn’t have tried to drag you into it.”

Natsuki: “It’s not right for us to get you to take sides with us.”

Yuri: “Especially since you’re a novice writer.”

Monika: “Yuri!”

Yuri: “A-ah! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-!”

“Yuri’s face is bright red. Natsuki chuckles.”

“Yuri shoots her a look and opens her mouth to say something.”

Natsuki: “That sounds like something I would say! Am I rubbing off on you?”

Yuri: “Well, the ‘reading too deep into things’ sounds like me.”

Natsuki: “You know you just insulted yourself, right?”

Yuri: “!!!”

Natsuki: “Maybe you’re gonna start rubbing off on me too.”

Natsuki: “Ha! Maybe I’ll look as hot as you do!”

“Yuri smirks.”

Yuri: “I guess my wordiness has betrayed you. You just called me hot.”

Natsuki: “What?”

“Sayori gasps.”

Yuri: “I win.”

“Yuri smiles smugly.”

Sayori: “Natsuki! You think Yuri’s hot? Oh, I knew it!”

Sayori: “Pay up, Monika!”

Natsuki and Yuri: “W-what?!”

Sayori: “Haha, you two are such a cute couple~”

Natsuki: “We’re not a couple!”

Yuri: “Yeah, I’d never-!”

Sayori: “Never say never~”

Natsuki: “Sayori!”

“I can tell both of them are getting flustered.”

Yuri: “Uuuuuu….”

Natsuki: “You’re making Yuri uncomfortable!”

Sayori: “Sticking up for your girlfriend? So cute!”

Natsuki: “She’s not my girlfriend!”

Monkia: “Haha, maybe we should call this the lesbian club instead? What do you think, Sayori?”

Sayori: “Well that wouldn’t work. Mickey’s here!”

“The girls all turn to me, remembering I’m here.”

Monika: “Oh, right…”

Yuri: “We…we aren’t together….”

Natsuki: “Y-yeah! We’re not dating each other!”

Yuri: “Or anyone else!”

Yuri: “G-girl or boy….”

“Yuri looks at me. Wait, why is she looking at me like that? Wait….”

Natsuki: “....”

Natsuki: “Monika, shouldn’t we end the club now?”

Monika: “Hm?”

“Monika seems lost in thought.”

Monika: “Oh! Right!”

“She brightens up.”

Monika: “Well everyone, I’m sorry to have kept you here for this long.”

Monika: “How about we write more poems to share for tomorrow?”

“Monika smiles at Sayori.”

Monika: “That is, if everyone’s up for it.”

“She looks over at me. So does Sayori, and everyone else.”

Mickey: “...Yeah. I actually had a lot of fun writing that poem.”

“Everyone lights up.”

Mickey: “Just promise me you won’t fight again tomorrow.”

“Yuri and Natsuki nod, looking a bit embarrassed.”

Monika: “Alright then, club dismissed.”

Sayori: “Hey Mickey? I need to talk to Monika. Can you wait for me outside so we can walk home together?”

Mickey: “Alright.”

“I wait outside for Sayori a while, and then she comes out.”

“We start walking home.”

Sayori: “So, how was your first real day in the club, Mickey?”

Sayori: “Other than the fight.”

Mickey: “Well, I liked it, honestly.”

Mickey: “The atmosphere was very relaxing and upbeat, up until the fight.”

Mickey: “Honestly….”

“I take a moment to process my thoughts.” 

Mickey: “...it felt….homey.”

Sayori: “Really?! That’s awesome!”

Sayori: “I’m so glad you’ve found a place other than your room that you feel comfortable with.”

Sayori: “Really…glad…”

Sayori: “....soon, you won’t need me anymore.”

Sayori: “That’s a good thing.”

Mickey: “Oh, don’t say that Sayori!”

Mickey: “I’ll always need you.”

Sayori: “Hm.”

“Sayori seems to quickly cheer herself up.”

Sayori: “Mickey, tomorrow you should try hanging out with some of the other girls.”

Mickey: “Eh? How come?”

Sayori: “The whole point of you joining the club was so you’d make more friends.”

Sayori: “People you could hang out with other than me.”

Mickey: “Alright. I’m too tired to argue.”

Sayori: “Wait, so you’ll do it?”

Mickey: “Sure.”

Mickey: “Oh, I don’t really know how to though….”

“I suddenly feel less sure. I don’t know how to talk to people. Not without Sayori.”

Mickey: “...No, really. How do I talk to them?”

Mickey: “I haven’t done it in forever, and I don’t even know where to start-”

Sayori: “Calm down, Mickey.”

Sayori: “What about similar interests? That’s a good starting point.”

Mickey: “But….do any of them have any similar interests?”

Sayori: “Hmmm…”

Sayori: “Natsuki likes manga. And you like anime! They’re like the same thing, right?”

Mickey: “Actually-”

“I bite my tongue and suppress my weeb urges.”

Mickey: “Manga’s more raunchy, I think.”

Sayori: “Eh? Well, I’m sure Natsuki isn’t into that kind of manga.”

“I wonder if Natsuki is the type to be into that sort of thing.”

“...Maybe I should ask her about it tomorrow.”

“Sayori sees my smirk and knows exactly what I’m thinking.”

Sayori: “Mickey! Do not!”

Mickey: “...maybe I’ll write my poem about it.”

Sayori: “Noooo!”

“I laugh as she pouts.”

Sayori: “But really, Mickey, you should hang out with Natsuki tomorrow.”

Mickey: “I don’t know…”

Sayori: “C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

“.....Really, what is wrong with me? I’d never agree to this stuff normally. What’s going on?”

“Is it just her smile? The way she’s trying so hard?”

“Or maybe I finally decided to stop being a coward.”

“I could have had a strange dream the night before. Maybe one of those life changing ones? And I just don’t remember it, but it still impacts me.”

Sayori: “Mickey, stay on topic.”

“Oh, she noticed my mind wandering off.”

“Hm. Do I hang out with Natsuki?”

“Well, I saw how defensive she was acting. Just like me.”

“Maybe we really could get along.”

“And….I don’t want HER to hold me back forever.”

“But, SHE’s still-”

Sayori: “Mickey!”

Sayori: “Calm down. You’re okay.”

“Ah, to hell with it! Who cares why I’m acting this way! I’m gonna do it!”

Mickey: “You know what Sayori, I think I will hang out with her.”

Sayori: “Yay~!”

Sayori: “I’m really proud of you, Mickey.”

Sayori: “You’re growing up so fast.”

“Before we know it, we’re home.”

Sayori: “Mickey, don’t stay up late writing your poem, okay?”

Mickey: “I won’t. You don’t stay up super late either.”

Sayori: “Okay! And I won’t write it in the morning either!”

Sayori: “I can’t wait to see your poem tomorrow! And I’ll show you how good of a writer I really am!”

Mickey: “Alright then. Goodnight, Sayori.”

Sayori: “Goodnight~!”

“And with that, we both go to our own houses.”

“I go up to my room.”

“...Sheesh, what a mess.”

“I should write my poem now. I wonder what to write about.”

“Some of last night’s poems were really weird. But I still had fun writing them.”

“It felt so expressive.”

“I pull out my notebook and a pencil.”

“...huh?”

“Oh, I must have zoned out for a bit. I was doodling in the corner.”

“Is that…Sayori, Natsuki, and Yuri?!”

“I had no idea I was so good at art!”

“No, it was probably just beginner's luck. I’m not good for anything.”

“Hey, maybe that’s what I should write my poem about.”

“The girls…and Monika, of course. I could never forget Monika.”

“I forgot to draw her. But if I had been zoned out for longer, I would have drawn her next. Just an unfortunate coincidence, I guess.”

“Now, let’s get writing!”

[letterstomyreflection]

Wednesday September 25th 2:30 p.m.

another conversation with her, she says that we need space to grow, that I need space for dedication. she's right... of course she's right.... I think that everything she's ever been wrong about is thinking that I might not need her. thinking that I don't love her more than everyone else.

and so here I am, ready to make things, ready to devote my hands to her again. it was my hands after all that she fell in love with first. hands that were considerate and kind, hands that wanted her but don't want to hurt her

she says that I'm the first person whoever helped her without hurting her. at least for a while. there's something to that though, she's so used to being hurt you're so used to being hurt that they seem to be the expectation that it will happen. it doesn't have to happen

you're right, I'm not in the kind of control of my life that you need

I need to find that control, find freedom. it will cost me my workshop. it will cost me my relationships. it'll cost me my home. it will cost me 80% of the support that I have. and I'll have to do that without, without what I need.

I'm going to need to say to her that she does not give me freedom. she will disagree. I'll need to be free from her. it's frightening to think about, the idea of separating from someone you've been with for decades. there's no love there though. there's no intimacy, there's only some kind of odd dedication.....

so here I stand, on the verge of life changing decisions, and I need to be brave enough to take them. brave enough to fall without a parachute. I guess that's what you're asking me to do. to trust that you'll catch me. or even, maybe you'll help me heal once I hit the ground.

but what then?

if I stay here, I know that I may not be happy, but at least I know I'll be alive. suppose I choose to jump, take the plunge and find faith, and then suppose you aren't there, or won't be able to be there.... I'll have given it all up for nothing. there would be no turning back

I can think of two or three people that would want to help me. they would want me to themselves. jealously guarding what they've been fighting for for years. but to be with you would be to forsake those bonds in the first place...... you're not the only one who wants me, but you're the only one I want.... I hunger for you.

it seems that you know what you're asking of me. and that's one of the reasons it pains you so much.... you're only asking me to do something that you've done before.....

it's getting harder to think now. my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of you. your skin on my lips. begging for death as I do...such sweet release.....

I think I'll work now. see if I can make something beautiful to make the time pass

something for you....

I have not gone back and proof read everything, so there may be some words off, I'm sorry if it causes any confusion. my heart isn't.... durable.... enough today to read anything above.....

I'm sorry

i love you