#was my first time ever seeing or hearing a character in media say the word aromantic
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Just finished Heartstoper S3 and am a big HUGE fan of how they covered Isaac being Aro/Ace.
The way they didn’t just show him accepting it straight away, as some people think happens. Like, realising and accepting that you’ll never have a whole part of what society tells you life is meant to look like is HARD and I’m so glad they didn’t just brush over that. The whole plot point/line of him being annoyed all his friends are coupling up and putting their partners before him is SO REAL that it literally pained me to watch it (in a good way.)
ALSO when he’s talking to Charlie on the beach and is like ‘I would tell them but don’t want to give a whole vocab lesson each time’ was just *chefs kiss.* I once had to explain what being aromantic was at friends-xmas and it killed the entire vibe of the night for me.
So yeah, major respect to Alice Oseman and especially Tobie Donovan for how Isaac is represented, and especially how he talks (or doesnt talk) to other characters about being Aro/Ace.
#im sure i missed parts but yeah#huge fucking love to the entire heartstopper crew#heartstopper#heartstopper s3#heartstopper s3 spoilers#isaac heartstopper#aromantic#asexual#aroace#I know im not fully aroace myself but still#was my first time ever seeing or hearing a character in media say the word aromantic#so HUGE fucking win#heartstopper season 3
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I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:
I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic. Some people who know me in real life still don’t. And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM. I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe? I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag. Even so, how could autism describe me? I was a good student. I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class. I can make eye contact…if I must. And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right? Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?
If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it. I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them: sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak. It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once.
So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance. It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day. But it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities.
It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs. No two people on the spectrum present in the same way. And that’s a good thing! No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.
But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic. I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway. I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day. More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing. My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.
If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:
What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz
We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia
Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess
Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD
Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom
Neurotribes by Steve Silberman
(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).
Thanks for reading 💛
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Not to word vomit on you but I can't stop thinking about Oliver wanting a love story like Tarlos and how it all accidentally lined up.
Knowing that Carlos and TK were about to move in, and then Carlos made that romantic gesture and TK got scared because it was, "too good to be true."
Carlos is left, confused, puzzled and nursing a broken-heart but still just as in love. What do you mean that TK and Carlos saw a future together, one got scared at that prospect and left before Carlos was the one to leave??
What do you mean that happened after Oliver said he wanted Bucktommy to have a love story like Tarlos; where it was always going to be them?
Then you consider Oliver saying that we might see Tommy and Buck interact during a call and it'll be awkward and who can't help but think of TK and Carlos running into the furniture store and seeing each other for the first time in weeks.
Anyways, sorry to be delusional in your ask box. I'm deep within the Tarlos trenches so this is all starting to look eerily familiar lmao (it could also be Tim is out of ideas, which is most likely the case)
Please feel free to word vomit on me always, I live for it.
Receiving this ask has actually prompted me to share some thoughts that I’ve held back from sharing, just because I wasn’t sure if it was worth it to throw more speculation into the void. But this message is so lovely, and I agree with it so much and so… okay I will share some of my mixed bag of thoughts about this whole situation.
Firstly, I adore Tarlos and LS (even if I don’t post about either much), TK is my baby, and the interesting thing about them for me is that I wound up caring for them more AFTER they broke up and got back together. If Buck and Tommy’s story is formatted as a rom-com, TK and Carlos are a tragicomedy. TK, the heartbroken recovering addict thrust into an entirely new city, a new career, who doesn’t want to let himself get too close to something good because he is misery incarnate. Carlos, the hopeful hopeless romantic who sees TK and doesn’t see something that needs fixing, but someone who his love could help heal. It’s such a gorgeous story, and the symmetry of both characters shockingly losing a parent in a tragic way is painfully beautiful. I LOVE their love story.
That brings me to Oliver and Tim’s comments. Throughout the Buck and Tommy relationship, my belief that this would be Buck’s final relationship only ever wavered twice. The first time was in the immediate aftermath of their first date (I spent the whole episode thinking that Tommy was actually reintroduced to kick off the bi awakening plotline and Buck was not acquiring a boyfriend) and the second time was towards the tail end of the summer hiatus when I legitimately began to doubt Lou would want to come back given everything that transpired. Other than that, I had full faith that this was it, this was Buck getting off the “hamster wheel”—Tim’s words, not mine.
I had confidence for a few reasons. 1 – the story was always handled with care onscreen and gave us no reason to think they weren’t going to work out. 2 – the chemistry was insane, and I knew it couldn’t just be me because an entire fandom was born. Tim and tptb must have seen what we saw. 3 – the supplementary information funneled to us through articles and Tim’s social media, literally up until post-8x06 never seemed to indicate that their relationship was headed in this direction. A big part of that was the comparison to Tarlos.
In order to protect myself (should I name the list of shows, movies, couples that I’ve fixated on that wound up playing out in dissatisfying ways?), I am awfully pessimistic. The post-episode interviews, articles, + hearing a bit from LFJ and OS has me wondering if this was some mass hallucination. Did we truly cling to something good and blow it up, run with it? Was this always the plan? I’ve wondered if because S7 was so short and S8 required that other characters get the spotlight first/other stories needed to be told and wrapped, and if because of production and scheduling and whatever external reasons, did their relationship wind up having a longer life than was ever intended. Were they ever supposed to make it to six months? Were they ever supposed to make it past the fucking wedding? I have been asking myself this stuff a lot. Alternatively, did something happen that made them want to or have to part ways with LFJ? So many questions, and I’m not sure we’ll ever know.
But… then there’s the delusional side of me, and the reason I haven’t totally abandoned hope is because when I was watching 8x06 live, EVERYTHING in me told me that this is a necessary section of the rom-com formula. Even the call-backs throughout the episode made me feel like the writers are so painfully aware, and that the narrative wants these characters to be together (Miceli’s, Abby, basketball, going to the movies, calling an uber, the loft kitchen, “you’re not ready”)—the motifs were absolutely popping off. I did not think it was the end when the episode ended. I wondered when and how they would find their way back to each other to fulfill the rom-com genre, but what I did NOT expect was to open social media and see articles framing this as the end. I wasn’t surprised when I found out who wrote the articles, and listen—if they bait one side of the fandom, can’t they bait the other? I still have some hope, because at the end of the day, anything can happen with network television. Maybe this is all part of the plan, and the interviews should be taken with a grain of salt. I just don’t know.
Interviews with Tim and Oliver from day one positioned the Buck and Tommy relationship as a queer love story devoid of trauma. Okay, well… huh. From where I was sitting, there was A TON of explicitly queer trauma exposed in 8x06. Their “hurdle” is tied utterly and completely to queerness. Tommy runs because he is a gay man who doesn’t trust that his bisexual boyfriend should “settle” for him, and who would rather be alone than heartbroken, and if that truly is the last of Tommy, it has to be one of the coldest and cruelest exits we’ve ever seen on this show. Do they simply not realize how deeply traumatized both characters come off in that episode, or is it all part of the plan? If the interviews positioning this as the permanent end of bucktommy should be taken at face value, shouldn’t the other interviews that position them as a rom-com (with the formulaic third act breakup, boils and all) be taken as the truth as well? If there was some misinterpretation, why hasn’t Tim said anything—he clearly knows a lot of fans were hurt by what they watched. He must have seen the outrage—why radio silence? Did we truly blow this out of proportion? Are the wheels coming off behind the scenes? I need a tell-all at this point lol
Thank you for the lovely ask, I’ve been sitting with these thoughts all week so this was a good excuse to finally articulate them. <3
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You know, of all the insane fandoms we have out there right now, you know which one always shocks me the most?
The Moomin fandom.
Which probably sounds like fighting words, but hear me out.
I'm thirty-six, and I did grow up with the Moomins. Specifically, I grew up with two of the novels - A Comet in Moominland (got when I was six or seven) and Finn Family Moomin (got when I was about ten). And I loved them. I still love them. I still have both books, and I know which bookshelf they're on in my room.
But, y'all.
That was my entire experience with the Moomins.
For around twenty. Years.
And when I say entire, I mean entire, the only other person I knew who had any idea what a 'Moomin' was was my sister, and that's because Mom read the books out loud to both of us. I thought that was it. I vaguely knew there were some more novels, because they were listed on one of the inside pages, but I genuinely thought it was just an old, obscure series of kids' novels.
Then, a few years back? I discover that
No.
That is Not The Case Even A Little Bit. The Moomin fandom is here and wholesome and HUGE. And there is so much media with it. And it has apparently Always Been Like this, I just wasn't ever in an area or era where I could encounter it when I was young.
And now I'm over here going, "What do you mean Snufkin's brunette? What do you mean he has hair? What do you mean he's human???" Because, to me, this is the first image I think of when I think of him:
That's Snufkin to me. And, given the context that he's surrounded by a bunch of critters, I just assumed that he was a fellow critter. His more detailed, coloured design is great, not gonna argue, but, even having known about it for years, seeing it is always very jarring to me.
And it's weird to realize that this is probably a pretty unique experience, not (just) because looking things up on the internet wasn't really an option at the time, not because I was in the wrong place, but because I just genuinely came to these stories and characters in an extremely strange way. Meaning every time I encounter the Moomin fandom, I get a small shock of, "Oh, right, this was not, in fact, an extremely niche series after all."
And no drama or toxicity or ground-breaking moment is ever gonna top that for me.
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Their extrovert crush is a really good singer
[ HEADCANONS ] [ Marinette, Adrien, Luka ]
[ Miraculous Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir ]
× Inspired on Sarah (from Kaleido Star)
Im being really excited since I had this idea!! I just love it so much!!! Also, im bragging about one of my favorites characters 🙆🏻♀️ like, seriously, Sarah is ✨ amazing ✨
I thought in Ibuki too but I decided to keep it as just Sarah
Marinette Dupain-Cheng
It could be that Marinette personaly meet you in school or by casuality first, or that she gets interested in your music first and then meet you in person, no matter how it happen she will be really surprised by how different your personality it is with the angelic and soft voice you have while sing, she find it hilarious at first but as the time pass and she falls in love with you she start to see it more as a little quirk of yours that makes you more special!
Marinette loves your voice and is constantly hearing your songs (if she has to record your voice herself she will find a way to do it), specially when she is doing homework or working in her designs she has your music in the background (she swears that your voice inspire her) and sometimes even sings along with you, and is for sure that at least once she had fallen sleep while hearing your voice
Speaking of it, Marinette has a lot of drawings of you, drawings of you alone, with the diferents costumes of your presentations, drawings of you with designs she made specially for you and so on, but she keep it to only herself! (or at least try to), she will be really embarrassed if you ever find out about this (even when she daydream a lot about you using her designs)
If Marinette ever has the opportunity to heard you sing personaly is almost a miracle that she doesn't faint or even combust for how flustered she is or how her heart is beating so fast, but it would even more dificult for her to stay calm if she is physicaly close to you (like she just casually heard you sing or even hum, or that you do it for her)
She is always paying a lot of attention to news about you in social media, specially if you make a new song or are going to have a presentation, somehow she always know (and she tries to go)
Marinette is always shy and trip in her own words whenever you are around, so you being more extrovert and talktive is a good thing for her, but at the same time is really bad, it helps her that you has no problem with starting the conversation with her but it makes her really nervous that you two are actually talking, still she can't help but be atracted to you
Marinette can't just bring herself to say no to you, and sometimes she is to distracted with your beauty to even actually heard what you are telling her so whenever you invite her to do something she end up going with you to a strange training of any fighting style you are into, however she is too nervous to say something or decline so she just end up doing it anyways
Marinette will never let anyone talk bad about you, even if someone just think that you are a little weird she is quickly to stand up for you and defend you (even if you don't really mind their comments), also it could be that if people don't actually hear you sing they won't really believe it, in that case she will try to defend you too
When you express your admiration for Ladybug and Chat Noir she is incredibly flustered, she is between trying to say a lot of things at once and stuttering, when she finally manage to ask you she quickly become a flustered blushing mess for you saying how much you admire them for how they always bravery fight against the akumatized people and thanks to your words practically all her worries and insecurities completely vanish (at least for a while) and will be giggly braging about it with Tikki for a long time
Whenever she is fighting as Ladybug it isn't her intention but sometimes she has to save you or put you out of danger and everytime she gets really blushy and giggly. Also, it take a lot of self control and insistence of Tikki for her to not give you a miraculous at the first chance she has
Adrien Agreste
It could be that you two met from even before he has the opportunity to properly go to the school, since you are part of the world of entertainment by being a really good singer, it would be because it benefit him (making good to his image) or even that Gabriel has made exclusive designs for your presentations (at least once) that gives him the opportunity to meet you and his father won't really see a problem with it
Adrien is really happy with being able to have more friends, doesn't matter much your personality at first and even so he likes it, however he is too innocent to notice when his feelings started to change, when he wants to spend more time with you not only because you are his friend, or when your voice start to sound even more beautiful or even when he start to win more confidence and become a little more extrovert (at least when he is with you)
Adrien will be lying if he says he doesn't like your voice because he does, and he has no problem with saying it neither, everytime he heards you sing he likes to take a moment to fully apreciate it (sometimes even close his eyes to just focus in your voice) and when you finish he always compliments you, comparing you with an angel or with famous singers (make you flustered isn't his intention, but if he does he will be blushy too)
He isn't someone who judge someone just for their looks or title, so he knows better to don't just think that your voice is all of you, that is why when he start to know you better and find out that your personality is the complete opposite of your voice he is totally fine with it, he is initially surprised but quickly finds it funny and even kinda cute
Adrien is a more calm person so he normally just tent to follow your lead whenever you two are together, he doesn't really mind doing whatever you want (he will only complain if it would bring you troubles or something), it always makes his day better seeing you so happy (specially knowing that you are happy to be with him, it flattered him a lot, it even make him a little shy and blushy from time to time)
Is probably that you two hang out in his house a lot with the excuse to help each other with the practice (him the piano and you with the singing), the first time it happen was because you two were actually going to practice but just entering in his room you imediatly become super excited for how much things he has in his room to entertain himself, and he just watch you run around his room seeing everything he has, laughing in amusment waiting until you finally choose something to do (he never had love his room so much before)
He is surprised by the fact that even as being a singer with an angelic voice you are more into learning fighting styles, but then again he doesn't judge so he just talks to you about his fencing lessons and even a little about how he fight to akumatized people (without saying that he is Chat Noir, just saying that that is how he imagine it would be or something). And when you express your admiration for Ladybug and Chat Noir for their habilities to fight and all of that he becomes really flustered in a second, shyly but excited asking you for your opinion about Chat Noir
Speaking of it he won't really lost the opportunity to approach to you while being Chat Noir, either when doing patrol or to take you out of harm's way, while that he will be a little more flirty and confident and still he easily gets flustered
Once he is finally able to go to the school that will give him the opportunity to spend more time with you, and even then he prefers to follow your lead, at first it could easily be seen as that the two of you are just best friends but as the time pass his friends will notice that what he feels for you is more than a friendship and will try to help him to be with you
Luka Couffaine
Is more probably that Luka meet you before he even has the opportunity to heard you sing, even when he is more into the music what you sing isn't really the type of music he normally hear, however he may know that you are a singer, in any case Luka will be happy to meet you and he is rather friendly since the start
Luka is really friendly so it doesn't take much for you two to start being friends, he won't force you to sing for him if you don't want to, but he is more than happy to hear you do it, he is completely mesmerize by your voice, you truly have the voice of an angel and he has no problem with expressing how beautiful you voice is
He never lose a chance to heard you sing (even if you are just humming or even singing a song that you like and not one of yours it doesn't matter), he likes to take a moment to appreciate before laughing softly in amusment, however he loves it more when he has the opportunity to make you company with his guitar while you sing (he loves doing that, or even just playing something for you, it makes him feel closer to you)
Luka is totally up for making you company in your singing with his guitar while hanging out, however normally when he thinks on you he plays a melody more playfuly and faster than the normal music you sing and is something funny for him (he secretly hopes that you like it because is the way he express his feelings for you)
And just as he loves your voice he loves your personality, once he has the opportunity to truly meet you he finds pretty hilarious the contrast between your voice while singing and you extrovert and determined personality, although he doesn't judge you for non of them it just make you more amazing in his eyes (more than once he had joked about it too)
Both of you easily start a really good friendship so you two spend a lot of time together, and you are always welcome in his house (his mother is always encouraging you to just be yourself, no matter what other would think) and, of course, you are always invited to the practice of Kitty Section and they are completely happy with letting you sing with them if you ever want to take a break of your usual singing
Luka loves hearing you rant about whatever you are into, either the fighting style you are interest or the ideas you are having, and he is actually really interested in what you have to say, even ask more about it sometimes
Luka finds pretty funny that you are interested in learning to fight but still for him is something that make you even more interesting and special, he won't really accept your offers to learn and train with you but he doesn't mind making your company while you do so, if you let him he will like to practice with his guitar while you train (well thats an excuse, he is actually playing along with your training, expressing how much he likes to be with you in his song)
When you express your admiration for the superheros that protect Paris for how strong they are and because they always have the opportunity to actually fight he find it funny and ask you more about it (he will ask you your opinion about Viperion too, but he mainly wants to continue hear you talk so excited about what you like). Everytime he has to be Viperion again he always thinks on you, it flustered him a little but still tries to not get distracted while fighting
Luka isn't unaware of his feelings for you, he knows that he loves you pretty well, even when he doesn't say it out loud (but has no problem with doing it) he does express his love by other ways, like while playing music, with his compliments and sometimes even flirting, but specially by the lovestruck expression he has while looking you while you sing or even when you train, he just can't help but admire every part of you
#miraculous#miraculous ladybug#miraculous x reader#miraculous ladybug x reader#marinette dupain cheng#marinette dupaing cheng x reader#marinette x reader#ladybug x reader#adrien agreste#adrien agreste x reader#adrien x reader#chat noir x reader#luka couffaine#luka couffaine x reader#luka x reader#viperion x reader#cartoons x reader#cartoon x reader
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I'm IWTV-wank-avoidance-asking Anon and it kinda missed me that it would be a wanky topic lol I was trying to see if the show is worth watching. A lot of my mutuals are posting IWTV gifs so I assume it's good, but I was curious if anyone who read the novel would think "Better read the novel". I don't realize an asking-for-rec ask would be wanky, but now that I think about who the writer is, it kinda makes sense. My bad lol
--
Ahahahaha.
Around here, I don't think anyone is precious enough about Anne Rice to start the genuine version of this wank, but Rice fandom can be... uh... very intense even on top of Rice herself having been the queen of drama.
You know about Red Beans Anne Rice, right?
Many years ago, Anne got all butthurt about a tacky-ass restaurant taking over an abandoned building that she'd had Lestat being emo in in one of the books. Instead of gothic atmosphere, it was now very PINK and LOUD. So she wasted money taking out ads in the local paper as Lestat trying to shame the restaurant owner... at which point a bunch of other restaurant owners also wasted money to respond in newspaper ads saying that they welcomed fellow businesspeople. It all ended in the restaurant's grand opening and people with plates of "Red beans Anne Rice" (i.e. red beans and rice).
--
Anyway, I read the first book back in the 90s when I was like 15. It's decent from what I remember. The thing that made it iconic when it came out in 1976 was that it was pretty heavily pushing the vampire=drug addict metaphor. This is everywhere in sexy goth sadboi vampire media now, but it wasn't as much of a thing at the time.
It was also very, very gay but in that way where (at least in the first book), nobody really says the word. That meant something in the 70s. Even by the 90s, it wasn't such a big deal, and it's a big nothingburger in the 2020s.
Book 1 is Rice dealing with the death of her child. It's all about suicidal feelings and Catholic weirdness. The main character is Louis, a.k.a. Rice's self-insert (which she confirmed herself).
Books 2 onward are about Lestat's dick.
He becomes a rockstar, vampire-bones the ur vampire, which causes him to mega level up, thus enabling him to thwart her plot to kill all men on earth aside form a few for breeding purposes, bodyswaps so he has a working penis again, fucks a nun, swaps back, gets Louis back by trying to commit suicide and accidentally getting a tan, etc... Much, much later books are about the other bonkers vampires, most of them more in the horny rockstar mold than the sad mommy of dead baby one.
In book 1, Louis is a depressed plantation owner who eats a bunch of his slaves among other fucked up shit. Claudia, their vampire daughter, is a small child who is upset about being stuck as a kid forever. One of the more disturbing parts is when Louis finds out she's fucking adult men. Lestat turns out to be a French nobleman with mommy issues despite Louis thinking he was only pretending to be upper class.
-- The TV series moved the entire plot much later in history, made Louis black, and gave him a spine. Some racists cried about this and some of tumblr cried about how it was offensive to take the plantation owner and make him black instead of doing that with the other one.
The show also made it more overt that Lestat is an abusive jackass boyfriend. This apparently came as a surprise to people with poor reading comprehension. Others have wanked about fans still liking Louis/Lestat instead of Louis/less terrible boyfriends. But... like... It's IWTV. What did they expect?
(So yes, some book fans will be immensely wanky about the show. Ignore them.)
Also, I hear they fuck on the show? Rice's vampires don't have working junk, which we know because Lestat stands in front of an entire wall of mirrors in the most bougie bathroom ever in Akasha's evil lair and discusses how his penis—I mean "The Organ"—no longer does anything.
Also, Armand in the books is the 14-year-old kept boy of a Renaissance painter with a harem of boys or something like that. (It's been a very long time since I read these.) Shit like this never makes it into the adaptations.
--
If you're curious about the history of vampire media or about a certain kind of Southern gothic shit, sure, read the books, particularly the first one with its radically different tone and much greater historical importance.
The old movie is a decent adaptation of book 1, though it makes it less gay (or at least removes Louis' weird boner for his dead brother) and messes with the ending in a way that would have made sequels veer off from the books. I haven't seen that other old movie with Aaliyah, but it looks like a campy time capsule of baaaad movies of that era.
Anyway, no, you don't need to read the book before watching the show. They changed a massive amount of stuff.
I'm in more of a Chinese media phase right now, but a bunch of friends have watched and said the show is genuinely good.
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hbomberguy posted a video and i have opinions about it
i never made the active choice to stop watching James Somerton's content but when i stopped having a job that'd let me listen to videos for hours straight, I slowly became interested in other creators. i remember finding a couple of his videos contradictory in their analysis and do remember being annoyed by the "white women/teenager girls" comments a lot. oh yeah and that TELOS PICTURES ALWAYS REEKED OF A SCAM. Hearing James describe himself as a business major first in the pitch video weirded me the hell out. I feel like not enough people are talking about this particular part of the story but the man crowdfunded $60k USD and has produced nothing but stock image posters in return after years.
this man saw his community as nothing but to steal from and profit off of and clearly sees himself above those voices he robs. the point in the video that broke me was right in the beginning in the james half was the Mulan section. the tactic of erasing Jes Tom's words and passing it off as a personal observation of the community instantly reminded me of all the times James has confidently talked on the experiences of trans, nb and all queer people of color throughout his career and the fucking similarity of the language. that moment made me pause and scream. it instantly put into scale that this wasn't just one of the first video essays he'd ever made, it was EVERYTHING.
I want to pretend the queer media I see is made from a place of genuine care of the community, all of us do. but we as a collective need to stop catering to the consumption of content sludge. we need to be more critical and more aware. any time james mispronounced a character or place's name, i would always brush it off as a bad voice take kept in because of the videos' length that wasn't fixed in production. no, that was because james didn't care enough to learn the principle facts of the topics he was covering. (him spelling "shonan" in that AoT script made lose it). he wanted our ad revenue and your patreon money and by stealing the work of actually talented queer people, he basically won.
hbomberguy, lovely chaos bisexual, did a service to our community by making sure millenial and zoomer queers will never let this mf try to grift his way into the entertainment industry again. i have more to say about this video, especially illuminaughii bc she's an especially abusive and toxic person who i also watched a fuck ton at my old job. i certainly need be a bit better about where i get my info from, especially if i'm going to be repeating it to someone else. in the age of tiktok and the speed of misinfo there being insane, i just beg us young queers to think a bit more critically before we post.
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Daylight
Characters: Baekhyun x Reader
Genre: Romance, Fluff, Angst, Mature Content (nothing too detailed), lyric-inspired: Daylight
Word Count: 26.7k (im really sorry... again)
Summary: Born, raised, and bred in the city. Life took a dramatic turn when the things you cope with became the reason for the conflict with your father.
With your bags packed and the cigarette you sneak inside your suitcase, you hope for the best where life will bring you when you hop on the train with no specific destination in mind.
Skyscrapers. Blinding artificial lights. Traffic jam. Fast-paced environment. Overpriced nourishment.
Cigarette. Alcohol. Parties. Two-faced people. Hookups.
Those were the things I was surrounded by as a person born and raised in a big city.
Harmful lifestyle, people are being controlled by money, everything must be documented on social media—or it never happened, people whom you call friends even though they’ve been stabbing your back since day one, relationship that should be called situationship in the first place. And last but definitely not least, parents who weren’t there physically.
When I found out that my supposed-to-be friends in university have been hanging out without me, despite the fact that I have asked them countless of times and they would decline my invitation, saying that they were busy, or something came up, or their mother had asked them an errand—all those bullshit, but in reality, they were together.
I should’ve just stayed at home, eat junk food on my bed while watching Netflix, instead of going out alone and finding out that they’ve been shitting on me since our freshmen year.
But no, I didn’t.
If it wasn’t for my problem with falling asleep, I wouldn’t have gone to a pub by myself, ordering a few drinks to get tipsy so I could get some rest. I sent a message to our group chat, trying my luck if someone was available. And obviously, they all turned me down.
“Yeah—I know! She looks so dumb when she smiles!”
I was in my second glass when I recognized Lisa’s voice, trying so hard to be husky and chic at the same time. No name was mentioned, yet my heart started thumping inside my chest, slowly turning my head to peek over my shoulder to glance where the voice came from.
And I was right. Lisa, Wendy, and Soyeon were there... and some guys. Probably their date—I don’t know. Then my eyes landed on a particular person who I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now: Eunwoo. Given that we weren’t official, I thought we were hitting it off. My brows drew together when I followed the hand resting on his lap, which was Lisa’s.
They all said they were busy, and it was too late for them to go out, yet here they are. Giggling, flirting, drinking, and talking shit when they thought I couldn’t hear them.
I didn’t understand myself when I decided to stay for a few more minutes to hear what’re their thoughts were about me. Each and every word they would spat added a needle poking in my chest.
“She should be ashamed, to be honest. Her older brother has had good reputation since high school to university, and she has the audacity to just exist—”
“Are you done?”
The look on their faces is fucking hilarious when I finally had enough and stormed to their table with the most blank expression I could ever done. I can’t be more thankful that the pub has dim lights and they can’t probably see how red my face is.
Who will pay for the afternoon snacks in university now that I know what they’ve been doing behind my back? How will they be able to get a ride to campus now that I’d probably never hang out with them anymore? And whose luxury item they’d be using to take a photo and upload it on Instagram?
From a couple of shots to get some sleep turns into almost half of a bottle, and finding myself making out with a man who wears oversized and overpriced clothing until sobering just a little bit because of disappointment when this man, who removed his clothes sloppily as soon as we got into a cheap motel we could find, finished in less than two minutes, leaving me hanging and frustrated.
I groan and ruffle my hair before turning my head to look at this pathetic human being who couldn’t even last up until I’m close at least. I put on my clothes and leave the motel, palming myself that the sky is starting to get brighter yet still looks dark. My parents will definitely go apeshit on me. Again.
Did I spend the whole night—an awful one—awake, drunk, betrayed, and sexually frustrated?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I started walking home, totally intoxicated, at six in the morning, makeup smudged and reeked of a combination of alcohol and puke; while healthy enthusiast people would go for a run before starting their day.
“Good morning to people who wake up on my bedtime,” I’d slurred loudly, clumsily waving a hand to them. Of course, I’d always received a look from head to toe, probably wondering about the condition of my organs at that point.
“Don’t you think you’re too much?”
I tried drowning my dad’s nagging by sticking my head further down the toilet bowl while I let out the immoderate booze I downed the whole night.
My dad is the typical businessman. We’re not super rich to the extent that we have a butler or a red carpet by the front door—I think, but we do have some helpers to get shit done here at home. He’s become strict now that I’m older, but he did spoil me as a child, like a toddler-child, not the elementary-child because all I got during that time was trauma.
I’m not saying he’s not a good father, but he’s really uptight, mainly to me, especially when I started getting into trouble as early as nine years old—I stabbed a classmate with a sharp pencil, but that’s another story to tell.
My mom is the typical housewife of a businessman. She’s into wine and aesthetics. You know, she likes spending loads of money on marble things, antiques, and charcuterie that she never eats. She’s the madam of the house. Although, she’s the gentle parent among the two of them, and has no bad blood with anyone from being so friendly that she signed up to, at least, nine charities.
She’s always present in those charities, volunteering—all that stuff, but never once was she present to my piano recital, school performances, parent-teacher conferences, the list goes on.
“Can you guys—” she hurriedly closes the door and curtains that could be a reason someone might see the chaos inside our house, “—stop it? It’s not even seven in the morning!”
I heard my father scoff, and even though I was staring blankly at the pearl-white toilet before me, I could imagine how he rolled his eyes, shaking his head in disapproval. Like he always does. “Yes, of course. What our neighbor thinks is more important than controlling your daughter. It’s your fault she’s become like this—”
“What do you mean my fault? You’re her parent, too. And why are you talking like that? We’ve all been in this stage of life—”
“I didn’t.”
Ah... how can I forget about my older brother, Kyungsoo, who exists in this world to make my life miserable as it already is. No, I’m just kidding—or not. We have the typical sibling-relationship. Our priority is to annoy each other, until one of us snitches to our parents.
Unlike me, who struggles to get a bachelor’s degree, Kyungsoo made it like a walk in a park that our dad thought’d be the same for me. He’s now aiming for a master’s, and he shows that he’ll continue until he gets a PhD.
I close my eyes, on the verge of crying, because I know where this will go now that Kyungsoo has decided that adding fuel to the fire is a good idea.
“See?” My dad’s voice was so loud that I felt the vibration on the walls. “Stop making excuses for the behavior of your daughter. It’s the choice she made—it’s the path she wants to go. Why am I still paying for her school? Her car, clothes—even uses my card to buy alcohol and cigarettes—don’t be surprised that I know! I always check your transaction history.”
He ended his sentence by pointing his index finger at my face as soon as I pushed myself up from the floor. I wanted to say something—things that have been going through my mind, but I’m tired... physically as I haven’t gotten a blink of sleep, and mentally... for so many things I couldn’t comprehend.
I know the three of them are waiting for me to rebut but what they didn’t expect was for me to nod my head in confirmation.
“Yeah... I smoke and I drink a lot, I even used your card for motels—”
I already saw it coming on how he would react, but not like this. Although, it’s not the first time he had to discipline me physically, nobody predicted that the side of my head would hit the wall from the impact of his hit. The scene is a bit dramatic with my mom’s gasping and Kyungsoo bulging his eyes out. I don’t think it’s that serious as I still feel okay, just a bit dizzy, though my lip got cut and is bleeding from the actual slap.
Deep down in my heart, I hope that my dad will apologize for his outburst, but I know I deserve it when he coldly said, “I’m done with you.”
My dad didn’t throw me out directly—or he did—but he clearly stated that he didn’t want to see my face under his roof. I tried to call my friends but remember, I have none now and haven’t been in touch with my high school friends for years. It’d be weird to call them asking for a place to stay for the rest of the summer break.
Obviously, he confiscated the credit card I typically use and the car I received as a gift when I finished high school.
I didn’t even get a chance to take a rest even for a short while, and immediately packed my belongings with a heavy heart. I know what I’ve done, and I kind of deserve this punishment he’s giving me, but could I at least have an apology? Because that slap hurt so bad.
Alright, maybe he thinks that I do not deserve anything for all the headaches I’ve given him. But can he at least ask me what’s going on? How’s school? Did someone hurt me? Am I okay? I can’t even remember the last time he asks me if I’ve eaten. That goes for my mom as well.
“Where will you go?”
Kyungsoo asks with a low voice while he watches me struggle to zip the suitcase close. I had to sit on top so my clothes would be compressed a little bit. I can only manage to carry a duffel bag and a large suitcase by myself; hence I must compromise.
“Here and there,” I curtly respond, not batting an eye to him. I grab a plain t-shirt and walk towards the ensuite bathroom to change. Although I still have alcohol in my system and I’m still quite dizzy, I can’t deny the fact that my clothes smell terrible.
“I can ask Junmyeon hyung if you can stay at his place,” he says right after I leave the bathroom. “He’s rarely home and I—”
I scoff, rolling my eyes as I sling the duffel bag on my shoulder and grab the handle of the suitcase. “Why do you even care?”
Kyungsoo looks taken aback by my reaction, perhaps thinking that I’d be kneeling before him in happiness that he’s offering his friend’s apartment for me to stay while our dad takes his time to cool off. “Of course I care, you’re my sis—”
“No shit, Kyungsoo,” I laugh incredulously, not letting him finish his sentence. “Just few weeks ago, you literally said to my face how embarrassed you are because I’m in the same family tree as you.”
I saw how his jaw went tight, seemingly out of words. And I could feel the lump in my throat; my eyesight got glossy as tears started to form in the brim of my eyes. I’ve never talked nor confronted them about the way they communicate with me. Whether how hurtful their words were, I would swallow my pride and isolate myself with despicable things I’ve done.
I walk past him with the initial thought of not looking back, but I have something that needs to get out of my chest. “And no, Kyungsoo, you do not care about me—no one in this house does. So don’t act like a big brother now, it’s too late to do that.”
Nowhere to go...
Those are the words I’ve been repeating as I stare at the train station from a distance. I still have some cash that I kept hidden in case of emergency, and now I want to pat myself on the shoulder for thinking ahead—even though, this is not a good thing.
I’m tired and starving.
And I’m hoping that my life won’t be dark and cruel as it already is that it would suddenly rain when summer just started.
I heave a deep breath, closing my eyes before I wheel my things with me. I cross the road as I walk towards the train station, with no specific destination in mind.
My eyes are wide open, looking at the big screen with the details of departure and arrival times from and to the places I’ve never heard of before. Until my eyes reached the last town on the list, it would take almost five hours. It rings a bell, but I’m unsure where and when I’ve heard of it or if it’s just a figment of my imagination.
I paid for a one-way ticket, bought myself a convenient store rice ball and a bottle of water, charged my phone to the outlet at the corner of the waiting area, and hoped for the best.
I’ve been out of the country, of course, but travelling to somewhere with little to no money, with no backups or whatsoever, is terrifying. I don’t know where it will get me, however, I’m already desperate and I, honestly, want to get out of here for a while.
I still have a year left in university, so there is a massive probability that I’ll be back before the semester starts. Even though I’m struggling to pass my course, I don’t have the desire to just drop out. Even if it means that I must start making money to support myself, I’ll do it.
You don’t know how to do anything. How will you survive?
I can hear my dad’s voice inside my head, reminding me how useless I’ve been to the family.
Nuisance.
I was labeled when I got into a massive fight with my brother in high school. I got into trouble when I hit him with my fist, but he was never once reprimanded for the way he talked to me since we were kids.
My surroundings rushed when the town's name printed on my ticket was finally called to board. People gather their belongings and fall in the queue, waiting for the sliding door to be opened.
So, this is it...
I can’t wrap my head around that twelve hours ago, I had a black credit card with me, drinking with no limit, and now, I only have at least a hundred bucks in my pocket and clothes from a quarter of my closet.
My suitcase was left on the baggage area at the end of the carriage, while my duffel bag was thrown on the overhead compartment. I plug my AirPods that thankfully got into my pocket earlier—or am I still drunk to remember that I brought it with me, while I watches the window beside my assigned seat displays buildings to transition slowly to trees and empty fields.
When I jolted awake from the vibration of the train halting to a complete stop, it reminded me, like an ice-cold bucket of water splashed on my face, harsh and cruel, that I was, in fact, not dreaming. Most passengers are greeted by their loved ones when they exit the station.
Unlike the one in the city, the station in this town is open air, facing the blue ocean with the sound of seagulls singing around. My heart feels like it's being tickled by a soft feather when the warm breeze of summer air hits my face.
I can’t describe the smell, but it’s nothing like the air I breathe back in the city. There’s a distinct smell of the ocean, though it’s not unpleasant, but more on cozy sentiment. The sun shines bright and there are trees planted all over the place, contradicted with the cloudy and polluted city I grew up in.
“Young lady—miss!”
A faint voice interrupts my thoughts. I turn my head on the side and look over my shoulder to see an elderly woman walking briskly towards me. Her hair is white, her skin is wrinkly, and the top of her head only reaches my jawline.
She gives me a kind smile, handing me a phone in her hand. “You dropped this.”
My eyes widened as my hands frantically searched for the device I thought was in my pocket. “Oh, shit—oh, my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to curse. I—”
“It’s alright,” she gives my hand a pat, chuckling and seemingly amuse by my reaction. “You’re not from here, aren’t you?”
I mumble an appreciation for the kind gesture before shaking my head to answer her question. “Uh, no. Not really.” I chuckle, a bit embarrassed that my appearance probably screams tourist.
She looks delighted with my answer, setting her bag on the ground before clasping her hands excitedly. “We haven’t had visitors in this small town for such a long time! What a pleasant surprise this is!”
“I mean,” I give her a smile before bashfully looking down at my feet, “trying something new, I guess.”
“That’s wonderful!” she exclaimed, getting her bag from the ground. “Do you have an itinerary? Or would you want me to help you?”
I hope my eyes didn’t glisten in relief when I look at her in disbelief. But then I remember how we were taught for ages to not talk to strangers, regardless of gender and age, to not trust anyone, to not take anything from them nor go with them to places.
The old lady must have read my expression that she laughs, the corner of her eyes crinkling as they shaped into a crescent. “The sun is up, and there’s a lot of people around. I’m not going to kidnap you, dear. I’m old as you can see and can’t move fast. You can ask me questions about the town, and I will answer them. That’s it. All of us here get excited when someone visits this small town. Forgive this old grandma, my dear.”
Warmth creeps up from my neck up to my face from embarrassment, concealing my scarlet red cheeks by looking around to act as if I’m looking for something. “I—uhm...” I rub the back of my neck, trying to get my brain to work despite being sleep deprived and hangover. “To be honest, I really don’t have any idea where to start. But would you happen to know where I can find a place to stay? Like an affordable hotel or something?”
I internally cringe from the way I deliver the last few words. I sounded like a spoiled brat, and it’s not my intention. Maybe I should’ve asked where I can earn money instead... right?
“Oh, dear...” her shoulders slumped as she sighs, looking like in deep thoughts while she thinks thoroughly about my inquiry. “We don’t really have hotels around here, but some families offer a room in their home for a price.”
The horror-thriller movies I’ve watched before quickly flies out my mind, and I am that desperate to find a place to stay.
“Do you happen to know where I can find one? But I only have a limited budget, so...” I grimace, internally crying with my situation.
“Hmm... let me see,” she fished out a flip phone from her purse, dialing a number before pressing the device on her ear. I watch her every action like a lost sheep, making me realize how I took my lifestyle for granted.
“Youngmi! It’s me!” she exclaimed, my shoulders flinching from how loud her voice is. “We have a visitor—yes! I’m surprised myself. But she’s looking for a place to stay—for how long?”
She turns her focus to me, covering the phone's mic with her other hand. “For how long, dear?”
For how long? Why haven’t I thought about that? I don’t know how long I’d be staying here... will my family look for me? Or am I getting my hopes too high for nothing?
“Uh—two months, maybe?”
The old lady looks stunned for a few seconds before clearing her throat to inform the other person on the line. “Two months, Youngmi. Is it okay—or? Okay, okay.”
The phone call ended with a sigh and I’m not taking it as a good sign. “No?” My voice was small and quiet, feeling a little too hopeless with the thought that I’d probably sleep on the street tonight.
She shakes her head, looking at me with sad eyes as if reading my mind and pitying me. “Her daughter-in-law will give birth anytime soon; she can’t lend her spare room that long. I’m so sorry, dear.”
“Oh...” the corner of my lips curved downwards, feeling dejected, yet it was expected since nothing was planned with this little trip of mine. “That’s okay, though. Thank you so much for helping me—”
“I have a spare room if you’d like,” she proposes, cutting me off in the middle of my dilemma. “I live by myself. My husband left this planet almost two years ago, but I do have some animals to keep me company. If you don’t mind some creatures waking you up early in the morning.” She ended her sentence with a chuckle, and I couldn’t help myself but smile, it’s contagious.
“I—how much would that be?” I stutter, my heart thumping inside my chest for a couple of reasons. One, she could be a psycho despite her sweet appearance and would murder me in my sleep. Two, I only have a hundred bucks with me and have no other source of income. Maybe I can sell some of my things to pay for my stay?
The old lady shrugs her shoulders, laughing quietly before patting and gently squeezing my arm. “I’m fine with how much you’re willing to pay. I’m already old and don’t need much money.”
In a hurry, I unzip my duffel bag and hand her the crumpled bills in my hand, looking a bit guilty from how they are stored. I’m aware that what I’m doing is risky, but I can’t think of anything else other than a roof over my head. “This is everything I have right now, but I’ll find a way to pay you more—I swear.”
The old lady looks lost for a minute, her eyes shifting from the messy bill on her palm to my round, pleasing eyes. “It’s—it’s alright, dear. Calm down. But—” she nods her head to my things. “We don’t really have public transportation here, and I usually walk. Are you alright with walking?”
I don’t even go to the gym to do a heavy workout since I prefer Pilates and yoga, but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Hence, I nod my head with a tight smile, hoping to God that it doesn’t look forceful.
Or it did.
She has a fond smile on her face as she shakes her head, dialing another number on her flip phone. “Baekhyun-ah! I’m so sorry to call you suddenly—ah, of course, this grandma knows how to use her phone now. Are you busy right now—oh, that’s great! Is it alright if you pick us up from the train station? Of course, I’ll pay you.”
I am greatly astounded that this grandma seems to know everyone in this town, when I don’t even know our neighbor’s name even though we’ve been living beside them all my life. I’ve heard stories about how countryside residents have tight communities, unlike in the city, but witnessing it is another level.
We both waited in front of the station for almost ten minutes until a beaten, on the looks of it, pick-up truck pulled up.
A young man, looking around my age, jumps out of the truck. He has dark brown hair that seems really soft to touch, and a clear, sun kissed skin. He’s wearing a loose white T-shirt and a light blue jeans.
“I should charge you double for interrupting my little date, Gran.” He laughs, giving the old lady a quick hug. “How’s your trip to the dreadful city?”
The old lady who was addressed as Gran by this man, who I believe is Baekhyun from the phone call earlier, poked the side of his stomach, clicking her tongue. “It was fine, and we both know that you’re not on a date, Baekhyun. Everyone is out of your league.”
Baekhyun places his hands on his chest, faking a grunt as if he has been hit. “That hurts, Gran-gran.”
“Enough with the chitchat! Come, help us with these bags.” she pushed Baekhyun playfully to where my things are placed, and I think that’s the only time he notices that I was here the whole time.
Now that he’s up-close, I’m able to see the moles on his face that look like a constellation, how droopy his eyes are, and how can I miss his triangular-shaped lips of his. It’s so pink, and glossy—what the hell am I thinking?
“Oh, hi there,” he greet. Hisis facial expression immediateldroppedps, except for his ey, which quickly scanned my suitcase, shoes, andmy head. The tone of his voicbecamees hostile, far from his enthusiasm earlier. “From the city?”
Five words. It only took him five words for me to realize that he’s not really fond of the city... or living creature from the city.
“Yes, I am,” I answer him politely, forcing a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. “Is there something I should be concerned about?”
I saw how the corner of his eye twitches before he literally throws my suitcase on the back of his truck. My eyes widen and I swear I could hear my heart breaking. “What the fu—that’s a Rimowa’s special edition!”
I’m fuming and I bet his ass that my face’s probably scarlet red, at the same time, praying that there’s no dents on my suitcase.
“Baekhyun!” Gran scolded, slapping his arm, though she can use some force so Baekhyun and I can be even. “That’s not very nice.”
Baekhyun, who is visibly upset for no reason at all, opens and closes the driver’s seat with so much force that I can’t help but flinch on how loud the door slammed. “Well—for starters, I’m not trying to be nice, Gran.”
Gran looks at me with pity in her eyes, although I’m unable to comprehend what is happening, and what he saw in me that he made him this ill-mannered, when just few minutes ago, he was all friendly and making jokes with Gran.
I have no choice but to shrug my shoulders, silently telling her that it’s fine and I’m not bothered at all. I really am not, yet somehow, I am. Or maybe I’m still hangover?
When I open the passenger’s door, I’m instantly greeted by Baekhyun’s blazing eyes, trying so hard to look intimidating, but hey—that’s my life everyday back in the city.
I roll my eyes, holding the door open for Gran to sit beside him instead, and I’ll take the seat beside the door. I haven’t been inside a vehicle which allows three people in the front—but I’ve never been in a pick-up truck before, so hey, who’s complaining?
We drove for a few minutes in a very awkward silence, with me trying my best to look to my right and watch the trees and small houses on the side of the road until we reached the coastline, which, unfortunately, was on the left side.
I’m appreciating the nature and this town in peace, being really careful not to glance at the man behind the wheel even for a nanosecond, but he seems to have a huge ego and scoffs.
“Never seen an ocean before? Going to write blog about it so developers can get a piece of our land?”
“Baekhyun!” Gran warned, scowling so hard that I’m starting to question if coming with her is a good idea. Because I seriously can’t afford any incident.
I close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to calm myself and think of something relaxing and such, but the drop of alcohol in my system acts up, and something in me just snaps. “Okay, listen here, you motherfucker—”
Adrenaline rush. That is what to blame for my sudden outburst. I can’t even remember the things I said because it’s obvious that they were nonsense and full of swearing. I probably uttered made-up curse words by each alphabet to showcase my pride and to prove this Baekhyun that I’m not backing out from his ego.
I only stop when Gran shakes her head and places the side of her head on her palm, looking helpless since she’s sitting between Baekhyun and me.
Fortunately, when I’m done swearing that my mama wouldn’t be proud of—but hey, since when did she, the pull-up truck halts on the side of the road and I didn’t even confirm with Gran if this is her house before I hastily open the door.
I give Baekhyun one last look, and I’m not surprised that he’s already looking at me with much hatred and somewhat disgust. It takes a lot of me not to flip him off right there and then as Gran already looks so done with us.
My breathing is restraint, fists turning white from how I’m gripping my palm, when Baekhyun decided to piss me one last time before driving off right after getting paid by Gran.
“I won’t be surprised if you brought air purifier in that ugly looking suitcase of yours!”
“It’s fucking Rimowa!”
My glare didn’t leave his pickup truck once he drives off, chanting in my head to get him stung my bees on his dick. That is until I heard my metal suitcase being picked up from the ground I came back to my senses.
“Gran—I,” I shake my head, closing my eyes, totally embarrassed from the way I behaved earlier with the man I’ve met for fifteen minutes. “I’m sorry—I hope it’s okay for me to call you Gran.”
“Yes, my dear, don’t worry about it.” She smiles kindly, patting my arm to assure me. “I would like to apologize as well. Baekhyun can be quite... obnoxious.”
“Obnoxious is quite an understatement for him,” I tried to laugh it off, dusting the duffel bag freakin’ Baekhyun threw on the soil. I mean, he could at least throw it on the pavement since it’s fabric and—oh... I see what he did. That motherfu—
“He’s a nice kid, he really is. He just can get a little sensitive to people from the city.” Gran explains, gesturing with her hand to come inside her lawn.
“What’s the deal with him anyway?” I distractedly ask, observing her pace and silently praying that there’s no bunker or some weird stuff around. Still having the thought of a scenario in thriller movies.
I thought when she mentioned earlier that she has animals around, I’m thinking they’re just cats and dogs, and probably some rabbits. But what I didn’t expect to see is a barn with hens and roosters, pigs, goats—wait, is that a donkey?
I was asked to sit in the breakfast nook in the kitchen where windows are on each corner, making the natural light be the source of brightness of the house. A mug of warm tea is placed on the table in front of me and I look at it skeptically, just a precaution and Gran laughs, shaking her head in amusement.
“I didn’t put a potion or somethin’ on it,” she chuckles, “you want me to take a sip first, so you know it’s safe?”
My cheeks flush, and I shake my head, abashed that I got caught doubting her. “Just so you know, I’m broke, and I have no money with me. I drink a lot of alcohol and I smoke, so you won’t make good use of my organs. I’m basically useless.” Okay, the last part hurts a bit.
Gran laughs so loud, holding her stomach as she does. “You’re so clever, dear.”
I scrunch my nose, repeating the saying: May the odds be ever in your favor, as I raise the mug to my lips to take a sip of the tea Gran prepared. “You’re the first person to say that—oh, this is good! What’s in this?”
“Just chamomile tea with a teaspoon of honey.” Gran answers, her lips raising a little bit, though it almost interprets as sadness as she thinks of some long-lost memory. “Anyway, dear—” she changes the topic quickly that I wasn’t able to pry, “just bear with Baekhyun. I’ll talk to him to get him to apologize. There's no excuse for what he did, especially to a lady.”
“Well, maybe that’s why he doesn’t get any dates,” I shrug my shoulders, seemingly impressed with how my brain works to roast Baekhyun until this moment.
Gran laughs out loud once again, and I take a sip of the tea again, which is weirdly comforting and somehow nostalgic. “So, Gran, sorry for prying, but what’s up with that dude again and the piece of land he was talking about?”
Her jolly expression immediately drops, a wave of sorrow washes through her eyes, and her shoulders deflate before she heaves a deep sigh. “I—it’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Baekhyun was just referring to typical businessmen who like to buy everything they find pretty for their own interest.”
My lips purse while I nod my head, understanding her sentiment since my father does the same. I can’t even count with my fingers how many enemies he has because of it. “Yeah, they’re the worst.”
“Okay, enough about this town,” Gran chuckles, waving a hand in the air to dismiss the topic. She takes the seat in front of me and intertwines her fingers before resting them on the table. “You appear to be hesitant, but I have a feeling you’re desperate. I’m not going to pry, but everything okay, dear?”
“Yes, Gran,” my mouth curves into a smile, the doubt in me slowly dissipating, however, I’m still not ready to share my story nor give a quick overview as to why I’m here. Maybe some other day, but not today. I’m beyond spent. “By the way, Gran. Why aren’t you asking for my name? Aren’t you scared that I might be a criminal or something?”
She snorts, giving me a dirty look. “You went ballistic when Baekhyun threw your things but didn’t raise a finger to him or me. I’m pretty sure I’m safe.”
I press my lips together as a flush creeps up my face, still embarrassed by my outburst earlier. “Okay, let’s not mention that ever again.”
I give Gran a kind smile, reaching my right hand to formally introduce myself. I tell her my name as we shake hands. She asks for some basic information, and I willingly answer. “I still have a year left in university, and I’m turning twenty-two in November. I live in the city my whole life and I don’t really have a good relationship with my family, so I can’t say much about them, but that’s another story to tell.”
We talk for over an hour before I’m unable to stop the humiliating yawn coming out of my mouth. Gran shakes her head with a fond smile on her face before asking me to follow her to the spare room she has.
The room is completely empty, except for a few dusty boxes on the corner that I probably won’t get near because I’m allergic to dust... I think.
With the use of teamwork, Gran and I also managed to unbox and inflate the air mattress she got from Secret Santa from last year’s Christmas. I have no idea how to follow a manual and Gran is too old for such things. We both laugh it off and call it a night.
I didn’t see Baekhyun again until my third day here.
I came out clean to Gran the next morning. I stayed in her house and told her about my shortcomings in money. I had to ask her for sources in the town since I still had to feed myself, although she reassured me multiple times that I shouldn’t worry about basic stuff.
She looked disappointed, nonetheless, and didn’t comment further on the situation as to why my dad kicked me out of the house.
Since locals don’t know me yet, Gran decided to let me help in her barn instead. Taking the light tasks for now; such as feeding the animals, collecting the eggs from the hens, cleaning their stuff, and the lists go on.
It’s a lot of adjustment since I do nothing at home, and have zero knowledge in basic home chores, what more working in a barn. But Gran is patient towards me, teaching and guiding, before letting me do the job for the rest of the day.
On the second day—and the third day since I stayed here, Gran let me do the delivery. Nothing much. I just have to deliver the eggs to the market, get the money, then I can come back to the barn.
I feel like a loser when Gran asked me if I know how to ride a bicycle since she doesn’t own a car, or vehicle, for me to use to deliver the eggs to the market.
When she pulls out her flip phone and dials a number, I already know that my day will be ruined.
“How come a human being can’t ride a simple bicycle?”
I shut my eyes close. The urge to slam my head on the windowsill is too much. I can’t keep track of how many timeshas had said those words.
For a second, I decided to protect my peace and let this be done with, butkepteeps going on, uttering the most sensitive topic in my life. “Didn’t your father or mother teach you?”
“How come a human being like you won’t stop talking?”
That seems to shut him up as he has his lips pursed when I peek at him at the corner of my eye. The veins on his hands become prominent from how tight he’s gripping the stirring wheel. Feeling like a little pride in me, I decide to continue—you know, just to piss him off since I don’t have my suitcase with me. “What? Did I strike a nerve?”
No response.
“You must love your truck so much that you both won’t stop making unnecessary noise—”
My hands are fast to hold on titot on my seatbelt when Baekhyun swerve on the right, extending his arm to open the passenger’s door. I’m still catching my breath and my heart is still pumping rapidly in my chest.
“Get out.”
“W-wait, are you serio—”
“Out!”
He didn’t scare me. He looks nothing scary. But he looked visibly upset that I started to rethink what I had said. I wanted to apologize, but at the same time, he doesn’t have the right to talk to me the way he’s done since we met.
Once again, I glare at his truck as he drives away with the eggs Gran asked me to deliver. It’s his problem now. I can just be honest with Gran and tell her how Baekhyun kicked me out of his truck in the middle of the road with the blazing sun in the sky.
I keep cursing Baekhyun on my way back to Gran’s house. I’m really bad with direction that I circled the same intersection for at least three times. I’m sweaty, flushed, dehydrated, sunburned because I freakin’ forgot to wear sunscreen—and I’m not even sure if I packed any because I was hella hangover that day.
“Thanks, Gran! See ya later!”
Speaking of the devil. My heart is full of hatred when I hear his voice, the owner of the voice who is reason for my suffering; the reason why my skin is burning and my head spinning.
Baekhyun looks surprised upon seeing me slowly walking towards the porch where he and Gran are, then his expression turns into amusement when he realizes I’m fuming with anger.
“You motherfu—”
I was cut off, or more like, my rage was cut off when Gran merrily called my name, clasping her hands together. “Dear, thank you so much for delivering the eggs. Though we were a bit late than scheduled, Baekhyun here told me that the market paid him well. And he lost you in the crowd? Is everything okay?”
The corner of his lips quirked up, while the corner of my eye twitched. Lost? He freakin’ left me, kicked me and let me walk kilometers away from this place. “L-lost...?”
“Yes, you got distracted, remember? I told you to stay close since the market can be quite crowded in the middle of the day.” Baekhyun lies through his teeth, and I’m amazed that he didn’t even stutter.
I’m about to expose what really happened but he’s quick to walk towards where I am, bumping his shoulder with mine, not before eyeing my burnt face. “You look like Peppa Pig,” he whispers to my ear, making sure Gran won’t hear.
I gasp loudly, having the strong urge to punch his face. However, before I can even react, he waves his hand to Gran who returns his smile, “I’ll get going now, Gran! Call me if you need anything!”
I look at Gran incredulously, but she just shrugs her shoulder before chuckling. “You two are adorable.”
“Ew—Gran, no!” I almost fainted right there and then.
It’s no news that I’m having trouble sleeping, much more in this unfamiliar town, not in my room nor my bed. Though I did manage to close my eyes to rest for a bit, it’s far from sleeping to recover my energy.
I’m already up before five in the morning and couldn’t be more surprised how chilly it is when the sun hasn’t risen yet.
My phone has been untouched since I got here, hence I have no access to the internet, and Gran flip phone is not really functional except for making calls and texts.
I tried to do some physics I learned in high school to balance myself on Gran’s old cruiser bicycle, so I won’t bother—or more like interact with Baekhyun the next time I have to deliver something again.
But again, I’m not the wisest kid in the block, never was, and I can’t tell you how many times my face came contact with the ground. I’m close to getting really injured and was about to give up when a familiar, unpleasant, roaring engine pulled up beside where I am.
“What do you want now?” I groan, praying to heavens to know what I did wrong to be punished this early in the morning.
Baekhyun chuckles in amusement. He’s wearing a plaid shirt under a white T-shirt. His hair is a mess, and obviously unwashed. “Oh, now you’re learning how to ride a bicycle.”
“Just—” I close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to calm myself so I won’t make a scene like I have been doing around him. It’s too early and most people are still asleep. “Be on your way, Baekhyun. It's too early to deal with you.”
“Hey, come on now,” I groan once again when he turns off the engine and gets out of this truck. “Gran texted me to give you a chance—mind you, that old lady doesn’t text anyone. So, don’t waste the chance I’m giving you now.”
He sounds so arrogant, and I’m aware that he’s doing it on purpose to get on my nerves. I press my lips together before forcing a smile, breathing through my nose as I raise my head a little to look at him in the eye. “Can you come closer?”
But he smiled mischievously, shaking his head. “I know what you’re gon’ do. You’ll bump your forehead on mine. I’ve seen that trick everywhere, so puh-lease.”
I nod my head and smile innocently. “No, no. I’m not going to do that, I’ll hurt myself more than I’ll hurt you. I just have something to say to you.”
“You can say it to me with distance.”
“Then I’d rather not say it.”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes, huffing, before leaning his ear closer to me. “You’re so stubborn. What the heck you want to tell me—ah!!!”
I normally don’t resort to violence, and I just mentioned earlier that I do not want to cause a scene, especially when the sun hasn’t risen yet.
I just had to do it.
As soon as his ear was a few centimeters away from my mouth, even though he was not yet done talking, I opened my mouth and sink my teeth on it. I meant to let him experience my wrath just a little bit, however, I don’t know what’s gotten into me that I bit him harder than I intended to. Or maybe I didn’t expect him to squeal like a girl.
Expectedly, Gran walks out of the front door with a lamp in her hand, still in her sleepwear and obviously just woken up from how loud Baekhyun was. Not only Gran, but the houses nearby light up to let us know they were awakened by the noise.
“I’m so disappointed to both of you.” Gran shakes her head as me and Baekhyun sit in her living room, the latter holding his ear as he pouts. “I don’t understand why the both of you can’t get along? Or just be civil with each other? If you don’t like each other, just don’t talk, don’t interact—and I don’t even want to know how Baekhyun ended up with a bleeding ear.”
I can only roll my eyes when Baekhyun points his finger at my face, plastering an innocent face. “Oh, sure. Blame it on the person from the city, because I’m the bad guy here, and you’re an innocent countryside jerk.”
He looks taken aback by what I said. He opens his mouth and closes it a few times like a fish out of water, but no words came out from his mouth.
“Okay, now...” Gran tries to calm us down, more specifically to me. “Dear, please... let’s keep everything in place and talk calmly. Can we do that, please, hmm?”
“I don’t know your beef with people from the city—” I ignore Gran and lock my eyes with Baekhyun who looks surprised as the old lady standing in front of us. “—but there are thousands of people living there, millions even, and I do not know each one of them. If you have a problem with them, then take it out on them, not on me! I don’t even know you and you’ve been nothing but disrespectful to me the minute we met. And now you’re going to blame me for—”
“Okay, dear, calm down...” Gran had to sit down between us and place her hand on my arm, “you made your point, and we understood it. Right, Baekhyun?”
The guy just stares at my face, not moving a single muscle, that, until Gran nudges his knee. “Y-yeah...”
“And what do you say, Baekhyun?” Gran presses on, urging an apology from him.
Baekhyun sighs, licking his bottom lip. “I—I’m sorry...”
“Thank you, Baekhyun,” Gran smiles before turning her attention back to me. “Dear?”
My eyes widen as I gape at her. “Why me—”
“It’s never okay to hurt someone, dear...”
I sigh in defeat, definitely agreeing with her sentiment. “Fine. I’m sorry for biting your ear.” But I don’t think I need to apologize for anything else than that.
It feels like déjà vu the next time I see Baekhyun. It’s almost five in the morning, and I’m teaching myself to ride a bicycle again when his truck pulls up.
“’Sup?”
I dramatically groan, placing my feet on the ground to balance myself as I watch him get out of his truck. “What now, Baekhyun? Do you want your other ear to get bitten this time—and why the hell are you out this early?”
Baekhyun scrunches up his face in judgement, or disgust—I can’t really distinguish. He places a hand on the handlebar just beside my own hand and wiggles it as if to test if it’s sturdy enough. “I think this need a little bit of fixing, and I can see from here how rusty the chain is, we might need to oil or, worst scenario, change it.”
He ends his sentence with a smile, which made me frown because he never smiles when my presence is around. My face contorted, unable to comprehend what was happening. Then I raise my brows at him to answer my question earlier, and I’m glad he gets the message.
“I help with the boats at midnight, and we just finished a while ago. This is like my part-time job. And no, I don’t want my other ear to get bitten, thank you very much.”
I look at him skeptically, “Okay... and what are you doing here? Talking to me like a normal person?”
He sighs, his chest puffing out as he does. “Well, we were off to a bad start, and I do realize how jerk I was to you. And I would like to apologize for the way I behaved. I also want you to know that I’m not kind of a person.”
“Gran wrote that script, yes?” I roll my eyes, though I can’t stop the corner of my lips from curving up.
Even with the lack of bright rays of the sun, and the only source of light is from the lamppost on the road, I see how he smiles as well. “That obvious, huh?”
“Very,” I chuckle, slapping his hand away from the handlebar. “The choice of words was much mature and totally far from who you are.”
“Hey! I rehearsed my lines all night. Be appreciative, can you?”
“Oh, I will, once you fixed the chain something—I’m not really sure what’s the function of,” I get off the bike and push it towards Baekhyun who drops his expression to a deadpan.
“Will I be getting paid?” he asks, taking a quick look at Gran’s old cruiser bicycle.
“Well, I don’t have extra money,” I sniff, looking away to hide my broke-ness, and play it cool. And I was quick to stop him when he was about to drop the bike when he learned I don’t have money to pay him. “I can show you my tits? Guys like chest, right? They’re not that big but they’re pretty decent—”
“What the fu—”
“Okay, okay! I’m just kidding, sheesh!” Or not.
“Just stop talking. Can you do that, please?” he emphasizes the last word as he started working on the bicycle and I nod my head like an obedient child.
Almost half an hour later and a greasy Baekhyun, I’m finally back on my bicycle, learning how to cruise without falling face first.
By six-thirty in the morning, Gran walks out of the front door, beyond surprise to see Baekhyun helping me attach a semi-large basket on the rear rack of the bicycle. “Lovely morning, kids! And Baekhyun, you need a bath.”
I look at the man in topic, eyeing him from head to toe and boy did he need a good ol’ scrubbing. “He does.”
Baekhyun looks me dead in the eye before raising his brows. “Seriously? After I explained what a chain does to a bicycle after I taught you how to balance yourself by pedaling because physics wasn’t working, and gravity was failing you?”
“Shut up! That’s supposed to be a secret and not to be said out loud.” I walk past him, purposely bumping my shoulder on him. “And you stink; you really do need a bath.”
“Okay—come on, come on. Don’t ruin the bond you just created,” Gran waves her hand for us to go inside. “Let’s have breakfast together. And Baekhyun, please, help yourself in the bathroom.”
And I received another glare when I snickered not so subtly.
Since that eventful morning, I’ve been civil with Baekhyun. We may bicker here and there, but no ear-biting incident has ever occurred henceforth.
I’ve also been delivering stuff to the market, or sometimes door to door, when Gran needs a helping hand. My bicycle journey is going well, though there were few minor troubles, but nothing serious that should be cause for concern.
At times, if he had time, he’d go with me to the market or around the town—or maybe, most probably rather, Gran forced him to.
And that became the reason as why I met Jisoo. The gorgeous lady that is way out of his league.
“Gran’s right, everyone is out of your league,” I mutter as soon as Jisoo is already out of sight.
We stopped by the bakery which Jisoo’s family runs and where she works. She’s nice and friendly, already asked me to come by next time I’m free so she can give me a proper tour around. And I didn’t fail to notice how Baekhyun ogles at her. He looked like he was about to whack my head when I used that term to explain how he was looking at the lady.
“Not everyone, because that means you’re included,” he simply answers. My eyes widen in shock, gaping at what he just said. Fortunately, he immediately clears things up, but not before rolling his eyes and scoffing. “I am the one who’s out of your league. I’m way better than you.”
Although I find it offensive, I sigh in relief and wipe an imaginary sweat on my forehead. “Phew, for a minute I thought you were flirting with me.”
“I’m offended.”
I think it’s been over two weeks now or so—I don’t know, I stopped counting the days.
I’m scared to turn on my phone. I’m scared that there will be no text messages nor calls from my family asking my whereabouts or showing their worry on my well-being.
I’m scared because I have a feeling inside me that I already know the answer to that.
Always have been.
The clock shows two in the morning, and I’m on Gran’s roof with the pack of cigarettes I didn’t forget to bring along. Putting a stick between my lips before inhaling deeply, holding my breath for a second, and exhaling the smoke out of my mouth.
This always made me calm; my nerves feel soothed, my mind would stop running for a minute, and the smell developed as a comfort to me.
Although I know the risks of smoking, it’s the only way that I know of to cope in life... my life.
“Holy crap, I thought something was burning up here.”
I almost jumped from the roof when a voice interrupted my deep thoughts. And my reflex is to throw away the butt of the cigarette after squashing down the tip.
I peek over my shoulder and see Baekhyun carefully scooting next to me, making sure that his movement won’t make a fuss and wake up the owner of the house.
“What the hell? Do you really appear everywhere I’d go?” I roll my eyes at him, taking another stick from the box and offering it to him, which he declines almost immediately.
“I didn’t know you smoke,” Baekhyun mumbles while he watches me flick the lighter to the tip of the cigarette. “That’s not really good for your health, or mine, since you’re exposing me to secondhand smoking.”
I chuckle at him quite lowly, looking up to the dark sky filled with stars, which I don’t often get to see back at home as the light pollution in the city is crazy. “Tell me something I don’t know, Baekhyun, then I might be interested to listen. And you’re the one who came up here, you’re free to go and save your lungs, mister.”
I expected another smart response from him per our usual banter, but when I heard nothing, I carefully remove my stare from the sky to look at him, and more than surprise to see him already looking at my face with expression I can’t define.
“W-what?” My voice tried so hard to sound my normal self, but it came out breathless.
He blinks as if he’s snaps out of his trance. “I—n-nothing... I’m just curious...”
I sniff, sitting up straight before smiling innocently at him. “Oh, I like where this is going. You’re curious about my life. Okay, Baekhyun, ask away. I’m so glad finally pique your interest.”
Baekhyun looks like he’s about to toss me out of the roof, so I instantly shut my mouth and smile even more. Then he clears his throat, exhaling heavily. “I’m just curious... I mean I know your name, but from Gran. I know we’re almost the same age, and you’re from the city. However, when I asked Gran about why you’re here, because you’re obviously not here to be a tourist, she won’t tell me.”
My eyes squint at him for a second, and then I proceed to raise a brow at him. “So, you want the tea?”
He tilts his head, seemingly confused. “What tea?”
“Never mind,” I purse my lips, breathing through my nose, trying so hard not to say something ridiculous.
He snorts, shaking his head. “I’m just kidding, I know what tea means. For your information, we’re quite civilized here.”
I exhale in relief, holding a hand on my chest. “Oh, that’s great to hear. I was about to say green tea or chamomile tea.”
Baekhyun laughed out loud, “You’re so lame!” and I had to place my palm on his mouth.
“Shh! You’ll wake Gran up!” When he nods his head, I disgustingly look at my palm, playfully wiping it on his shirt.
“So...” he trails off, poking my arm with his finger. “You deliver eggs to the market, but you use a very expensive sunscreen. You’re not here for a vacation, aren’t you?”
“Not beating around the bush, I see.” I tried to laugh it off, trying my luck that maybe he’d change the topic, but he raises his brows as he waits for my answer. “Well... it’s a long story.”
“I’m done working, so I have all night to listen.” he answers immediately, pushing my shoulder with his. “Come on.”
I exhale through my nose, lifting the cigarette up in the air. “You see this? My dad hates this, and alcohol. I do a lot of both, apparently. So, he threw me out of the house. He also confiscated my credit card and I only had around hundred bucks, so Gran took me in.”
It’s not like I’m not comfortable telling people what I’ve done to get my father ballistic, but I honestly don’t know how to put what really happened in words. I don’t know how to verbalize things, emotions, and such. So, I’m really out of place when Baekhyun waits for another word to come out of my mouth.
“End of story,” I grin at him, hoping that he won’t be able to read my mind.
He looks at my face for a few moments, not leaving my eyes as it feels like he’s staring into my soul, as dramatic as it may sound. “That’s a really long story,” he shakes his head, and the tone of his voice is sarcastic. He stood on his feet and dusted his pants, “You seem no fun. I’m going home now.”
I send him a glare before scrunching my nose at him. “I’m just confirming your assumption of me being a spoiled brat.”
“I never said you’re a spoiled brat,” he quickly denies, looking at me like I have two heads on my neck.
“But you’ve thought about it,” I tease him, wiggling my eyebrows at him.
“You can’t blame me for that though. You keep saying: it’s Rimowa, it’s Rimowa, that I had to search on the internet what the heck is a Rimowa. I honestly thought it was a freakin’ country!”
It was my turn to laugh out loud, and he had to put his palm on my mouth.
The next time I see Baek,hyun it is almost five in the morning. I couldn’t sleep; hence I let my curiosity get the best out of me and went to where the “boats” are.
It’s still dark, although the streetlamps illuminate the path on the way there. As I near the dock, my surroundings come from crickets to men shouting and laughing, I’m not sure anymore, but they’re thunderous.
“Excuse me,” I raise a hand to a middle-aged man who’s about to pass by. He looks confused as he waits for me to talk. “Is Baekhyun around?”
The man's frown fades away. Baekhyun’s name must’ve rang a bell. “Oh, Byun? I think he’s still on Youngtae’s boat.”
There are hundreds of things going through my mind at once, but the most significant of them are: Baekhyun last name is Byun, which I haven’t heard until now—and I do hope that he’s the only Baekhyun in this town, and the other one is, who the hell is Youngtae and how would I know where his boat is?
I know that people in this town know each other like they know the alphabet, but I’m not from here and I’m having quite a hard time adjusting when it comes to this kind of scenario.
I can only chuckle awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck before pointing my thumb behind my shoulder. “Yeah... I think I’ll go for now but tell him I said hi.”
The man, who looks really buff and has a tattoo sleeve on his left arm, slowly nods his head, perhaps unsure what is happening... as why a woman casually walked to the dock and asked for someone but would leave eventually. “Yeah... sure—you’re not from here, aren’t you?”
I have no idea as to why I did it, but I exaggeratedly sigh—I don’t know, probably in relief that someone recognizes my naïve-ness of this town, even though I’ve been here for almost a month now. “That obvious, huh?”
“Yeah—” he points his fingers on his ear, “locals don’t do that.”
I didn’t understand what he meant at first, but then I realized he was referring to my earrings, several of them. My mouth forms an O shape and I nod my head to his arm as well. “Locals don’t do that either.”
He laughs, extending his hand out for me to shake. “You got me there. I’m Hanjo, but just call me Han, people here call me that.”
I nod my head, giving him a smile before telling him my name. “So, you’re not from here as well?” I ask, genuinely curious if he’s from the city, too.
“So, Byun knocked you up?” he doesn’t even miss a beat and immediately changes the topic, though I did get shocked by his assumption.
“Excuse me?”
Han clears his throat, looking like he sobers from the way I change my tone of voice. “Sorry, that came out harsh. That Byun guy tends to play around when he’s out of town, and I thought you were here because of that.”
I’m still looking at him skeptically, and the corner of my mouth almost drew back a snarl. “Uh, no, we’re just friends—sorry, I can’t stop myself from saying this, but I do not appreciate how you’re addressing Baekhyun.”
“Oh, sassy—you from the city?” he tried to laugh it off, althoucouldI can see that he didn’t mean to be rude, probably just how guys talk, or I don’t know, guys their age.
I opened my mouth, about to say something smart, but I heard my name being called by a familiar voice. I look over Han’s shoulder, and it’s a bit of a challenge since he’s quite huge, and see Baekhyun’s surprised, at the same time, smiling face.
“Hey! What brings you here?” Baekhyun pats my arm, showcasing his perfectly aligned teeth, he then gives a nod to Han. “Hey, Han.”
“Byun, I thought you’ve dropped out years ago. How can you still score someone from the city?” Han asks Baekhyun, and I had to remind myself that they are both males, and that’s just how they communicate... I hope.
But what caught my attention is Baekhyun dropping out. From what? University? He attended university in the city?
“Come on, Han.” Baekhyun chuckles, though the tone of his voice goes one note down, making him sound so manly. “That’s not a nice way to talk to someone you don’t know.”
“Oh, but we know each other, right?” Han turns to me, calling my name as if we’ve been friends for decades. I can only make a face, turning to Baekhyun as a silent signal to get me out of here. Acouldn’tcan’t be more glad that he got the message instantly.
“Okay! We’ll get going now, Han. Don’t drink too much, okay? Gran wouldn’t be so happy that you’re causing trouble here.” Baekhyun holds my arm, bringing me along with him as he walks away, not waiting for Han to respond.
Baekhyun asks me to wait in his truck while he gets his things from the boat. He comes back not even five minutes later, not beating around the bush, when he removes the thin sweater he’s wearing and changes into a clean T-shirt.
“Okay. Thank you for giving me a show, really enjoyed it.” I tried to play it cool, hiding how my cheeks blush when I saw the curve of his abs. Damn, he’s been working out.
He laughs, throwing his sweater on my face and my nose crinkles at the smell. Sweat and seafood. He starts the car and starts driving, and I didn’t bother to ask where he’s taking me, though I have a hint that he’ll just drive me back to Gran’s place.
“I have a question,” I break the silence, looking at his side profile, and I can’t believe I missed how his nose looks good on this side.
“I had a hunch you have,” he chuckles, not taking his eyes off the road.
I click my tongue, glaring at him for a second. “You said that Gran wouldn’t be happy with what Han was doing. Do they know each other? I mean, yeah, everyone knows everyone here. But you know...”
“Hmm...” Baekhyun purses his lips as he thinks, and I almost coo at how he looks ado; ate, at the same time, almost slap myself for thinking that way. “I’m not sure if I’m in the position to tell you that.”
“Oh, come on. I thought you like tea!”
“Green tea or chamomile?” he repeats the joke I told him the other day, earning a glare from me. “I’m kidding. I’ll tell you, but no follow up question about it, okay?”
I nod my head excitedly like a child.
“Gran is Han’s mother.” Baekhyun simply said, shrugging his shoulder as if everyone should’ve known about this information.
I can only gape athim, before verbalizing my thoughts. “I thought Gran doesn’t have a kid. I obviously guessed wrongly.”
“Kids.”
My jaw almost dropped on the ground, and my eyes went wide as a saucer. “No fucking way. Where’s the other one? Or how many she has?”
“No follow up question, remember?” Baekhyun smirks, raising a brow.
“Oh, come on. You’re no fun!” I groan at him, wanting to slap the smirk off his ,face but he’s driving, and I don’t want to risk it.
Baekhyun laughs this time, shaking his head. “Well, I’m not going to be like you who didn’t finish her story.” That did earn him a slap on his arm, though not forcefully. He whines, rubbing the spot I hit before continuing, “Gran has two sons. Her oldest is out there, conquering the world, and you see Han... you already saw where he is in life.”
My figure stiffens for a while, and it takes me a little while to slowly sit up straight, looking ahead of me. I didn’t want the ride to be weird, so I snickered, giving Baekhyun a playful look. “That sounds really familiar.” lookedlook into each other’s eyes for only a few seconds since he had to focus on the road, and I’m glad he didn’t say anything. But I know. I know that he has a feeling what I meant by that.
The only time a word was said was when I realized that the road he drives on is a different route to where Gran’s house is.
“Where—”
“Consider yourself lucky,” he stops the car on the side of the road, pulling the handbrake before unbuckling his seatbelt. I have no choice but to fo his suit. I jump out of his truck and follow him wherever he’s taking me.
We trek for ten minutes and I’m starting to catch my breath. “Y-you, motherfu—”
“Just wait and see, it’ll be worth it.” Baekhyun claims, and his enthusiasm rubbing on my unfit body.
I sit next to him on a bed of grass with little white flowers all over it. “You didn’t even ask me if I want to be driven back to Gran’s house, or if I want to torture myself by hiking before six in the morning, without breakfast, mind you.”
“Hey, be appreciative, can you?” he bumps his shoulder with mine. “This is secret hideout. I brought you here because you look like you’re turning into a panda—what the hell happened to your eyebags, seriously?”
His tone was playful, and I’m aware he was. He’s only doing it as a part of our normal banter-slash-daily conversation, but I smile sadly, shaking my head. “It’s nothing...”
“Hey, come on,” he sighs, scooting closer to me, “I just gave you a tea that I’m not supposed to talk about. A little trust here, please?”
“I’m—I—” I exhale heavily, biting my bottom lip, contemplating for a while if I should be talking about this to someone I barely know. But then, he has been there for me despite being a jerk at first. “I’m having trouble sleeping.”
He nods his head; judgment is absent on his face. And I take it as a good sign that he’s listening to me. “Did it start when you arrived here?”
I shake my head, starting to f my tears forming on the brim of my eyes, and I’m more than surprised because I can’t even remember the last time I cried.
Was it when my parents didn’t attend my middle school graduation? Or was it when no one remembered my sixteenth birthday?
I don’t know.
“Two, three years ago? I don’t know—I honestly can’t remember.”
Baekhyun heaves a deep trembling breath, trying to look calm as possible. “Have you got it checked? Are taking medication to help you sleep?”
I shake my head once again, looking ahead. “No. My dad will know since I didn't really have money of my own and used his card back home. He checks all my transaction, and I’m scared that they might found out about it.”
“Then, how do you cope?”
I shrug my shoulders, turning my head to look at him, giving him the most genuine smile I can ever give, although it’s a sad smile. “Alcohol makes me sleepy, and cigarette soothes my nerve.”
He doesn’t say anything for a good minute or two, and I’m starting to get worried about how I shouldn’t have told him my troubles, but when he spoke, his voice is much calmer, soothing, and quiet. “Now I know why you were always up to learn how to ride a bike in the middle of the night.”
I laugh at his statement, the corner of my eyes crinkling in the process. “Yeah... I couldn’t sleep so , I might as well tire myself out.”
“Is it also why you were at the dock?”
I nod my head, “Yep, decide to take a long walk then try to go to sleep. But I saw where the dock is, and the rest is history.”
Baekhyun hums before patting me; his mouth curves up into a gentle smile. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this.”
I don’t know what to say or how to react. But all I know is that I’m glad I told him what happened to me. My eyes didn’t leave him for a minute until he tilted his head in the direction in front of us, asking me to look at it.
I didn’t even realize how long we’d been sitting there. The dark sky slowly turns golden. Rays of sun start peeking out at the line where the sky meets the sea. Seagulls start singing like they did when I first arrived here in this town, the sound of waves of the ocean hitting the shore... it’s incredible.
I hold my breath, mesmerized by the majestic viewthe of sunrise in this partthe of the country. My first instinct was to curse to express how gorgeouswast is, but Baekhyun cuts me beforcould can even open my mouth.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
My head turns to look at him, a huge grin on my face to show how much I agree with his statement, but when my eyes get the sight of his face getting hit by the soft ray of sunlight, I am lost for words.
Words wouldn’t come out between my lips, and I feel like I turn into a rock when I force myself to look away from him.
It feels like I can’t look at anything else but him.
Beautiful indeed.
A month in this ,town and I’m handling it quite well than I expected on my first day.
Of course, it’s not sunshine and rainbows with unicorns every single day. I’ve had a fair share of bad days. Although most of them were nothing serious, I could still say: Tomorrow’s a new day!
But nothing compares to what happened when Jisoo asked me to hang out, and she’d tour me around the town—properly, as she clearly claimed.
Don’t get me wrong, it went well. She’s probably one of the kindest people around here, next to Gran, but then again, everyone in this town is friendly and welcoming.
I didn’t have the bicycle with me that day because Jisoo insisted on picking me up from Gran’s house and we went around the town in her sedan. And when the sun started to set, she offered to drive me back to Gran’s and of course, I agreed because I don’t have the will in me to walk that far, but surprise, surprise, Baekhyun’s truck pulled up on the side of the road, honking noisily to get our attention.
I’m aware of his little crush on Jisoo; he made it obvious the first time I met the latter, and he made it obvious again this time.
Of course, I brushed it off, reminding myself that we have nothing going on between us and convincing myself that I don’t have anything going on for him—and I really do hope I’m doing a great job on that.
However, it felt like a bucket of ice-cold water was splashed on my face when I heard their conversation.
“Chivalry is not dead, Baekhyun?” Jisoo giggled, pushing Baekhyun’s shoulder with her hand, and the man had the cheek to blush. “Always ready to pick her up, huh? Never seen you put an effort to a girl before.”
“Oh, it’s not like that...” he chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “She’s from the city, and I’m doing Gran’s a favor.”
At that moment, I had to rethink if I had the stamina to walk all the way back to Gran’s. I wanted to be alone, but Baekhyun literally pushed me inside his truck.
He might be thinking that I’m just being sulky since I do that quite often when I lose every time we bicker. He acts normal as if he didn’t say those words earlier about me, being well aware that I was around and could hear them perfectly.
I close my eyes and pretend to take a rest while he tells a hilarious story from his day job. Though I’m pretty tired, I still have some energy left in me. I just don’t want to see his face.
But Baekhyun is quite smart. He figures out three later. Okay, that might be long for others, but I’m still civil with him, to the point no one notices how I tried so hard to avoid him unless necessary.
I may not be academically smart, but I can be quite observant. I’d be up extra early to finish the errands Gran listed out for me the night before—she doesn’t usually do it, but I kind of forced her to, so I’d know in advance what I’d be doing for the day.
Then, when he’d come over unannounced, I’d go feed Gran’s animals their second dinner.
Everything was going well for me until I got invited to hang out with Jisoo and her friends. I really wanted to say no, but Gran looked so happy when Jisoo came knocking on her door.
“Oh, dear, it’s alright! I’ll pack the leftovers and put them in the fridge. You can heat it up when you’re still hungry once you’re back.” she said when I tried using her meatloaf as an excuse for me not to go.
That’s how I met Jongdae, the talkative but gentlemanly guy; Minseok, their hyung who’s always looking out for others if they have enough beer in their system and send them home.
I’m really bad with names and can’t remember most of Jisoo’s circle, but they keep talking to me because, apparently, they’re Baekhyun friends and heard about me from the man himself.
“Why is he not here, though?” Curiosity got the best of me when Baekhyun’s friends were were here, and of course, Jisoo’s here. “Did he not get an invite?”
Jongdae laughs and slaps my shoulder like we’ve known each other our whole lives. Minseok chuckles at the sight before taking a swig of his beer. “Baekhyun’s always invited. In fact, he’d be there before you can invite him. But we don’t know—said that he’s not feeling well or somethin’.”
I frown upon hearing that. He seemed fine when he dropped by this morning at Gran’s. “What—is he sick?”
“He’s sick alright,” Jongdae snorts, drinking his beer, and Minseok nudges him with his knee. “Hey—you know what? Let’s take a picture to capture this moment.”
My expression twists at the sudden change of subject, nonetheless, I force the best I could ever give as soon as Jongdae put his phone an arm away after switching to the front camera. “Say: Baekhyun’s sick!”
I didn’t follow him, though I did manage to sneak an eye roll before he hit the capture button.
“Send it to me, I’d like a copy,” Minseok says, taking his phone out from his pocket. Jongdae nods his head, tapping the screen of his phone before gasping out loud.
“What?” Me and Minseok choruses.
Jongdae turns to us with wide eyes, “I mistakenly sent it to our group chat instead of personal message. Okay, I’m going to put my phone to DND before someone spams me.”
I roll my eyes once again but can’t fight the smile spreading on my lips, thinking how ridiculous yet fun experience it is to hang out with these guys. While Minseok looks like he’s going to smash his bottle of beer on Jongdae’s head. “Can you stop being so dramatic for once?”
The night is filled with laughter, beers, and some fun games that, I must admit, are fun. I don’t think I can remember the last time I enjoyed the company of being around other people, or people in general.
I’m on my third bottle of cold beer, chatting between Jongdae and Minseok, when the bottle in my hand magically disappears. I haven’t had alcohol for quite a long time—no judgment, that I’m already tipsy. I was about to fight anyone just for a bottle of beer but was met with Baekhyun’s eyes.
“Oh, that was fast!” Jongdae cheers, pertaining to Baekhyun. He claps his hand and pats the space beside him for the guy to sit.
But instead, Baekhyun motions me to scoot a little so he can squeeze in the space between me and Jongdae. And of course, that receives a grunt from us.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him in a small voice, though his two friends definitely heard me as they both snicker at the same time.
Before Baekhyun could answer, Jisoo appears in front of us, holding her own drink and a bit red, probably from drinking too much—she’s not very subtle with her drinking, but I guess everyone needs a little loose from time to time, no one’s judging.
“Baekhyun! I thought you couldn’t make it!”
I’m not interested in seeing their interaction as I’m already sulking as it is, so I tried to reach out for my beer that’s still in Baekhyun’s hold, but as soon as my fingertips touch it, he clicks his tongue at me, giving me a warning look.
Jongdae crosses his legs, leaning on his hands to look at Baekhyun mockingly. “Oh yes, Baekhyun. I thought you said you were too tired and not feeling like it?”
He really does look tired, and I’m also confused as to why he’s here. But he just kicks Jongdae’s feet and glares at Minseok who frowns because the guy is literally younger than him. “I don’t trust you guys with alcohol.”
“Pssh!” Jongdae dismisses him by waving a hand on his face. “We both know that’s a lie. You trust us the most.”
“He’s drunk,” I murmur, which receives a hum of agreement from Baekhyun that makes the hair on the back of my neck rise.
He turns his head a little to the side to peek over his shoulder. His face is so close to mine that I can feel his breath tickling my lashes. “You?”
I shake my head a little, my words getting caught in my throat that I have to put an effort to respond to him. “No, not really.”
Jongdae couldn’t stop his excitement and let out a high pitch laugh that caught the attention of other people around.
I’m the one who breaks the eye contact, clearing my throat before looking the other way. I see Minseok already giving me a small smile, wiggling his brows. He manages to murmur, “adorable,” before drinking his beer.
If I heard that a few weeks ago, I’d probably have had the same reaction when Gran said the same thing. But now, I can honestly feel the heat creeping up from my neck to my cheeks. I’ll just use the alcohol as an excuse if someone notices.
As more empty bottles scattered around the area, few people gathered where we are, and not to mention they decided it was a good idea to put me on the spot to ask questions—thanks to Jongdae who practically announced that I’m a tourist here.
“So, wait,” A girl named Bomee slurs, tilting her head as she speaks, “your dad threw you out because you drink a lot?”
I seriously need more alcohol in my system before I can answer her honestly. But Baekhyun here wouldn’t give them back every time I’d get a new one, and he’d give it to Jongdae instead who, I believe, puke couple times already.
“Sort of?” I answer carefully, shrugging my shoulders.
“Then why did you keep drinking if your family hates it?” A guy named Jaebom chimes in. And Bomee hisses at him for being so insensitive. Though, I don’t mind because all my mind can process is how they seem to be invested in my story.
“Well—how do I explain it?” I exhale through my nose, biting my bottom lip, and my leg started to bounce, feeling a bit anxious if I should answer the question.
But then I feel something on my bare knee since I’m wearing shorts. I shift my focus from Jaebom and glance at my side. It was Baekhyun’s thigh. He keeps his gaze ahead of him but left his thigh on my knee.
The corner of my mouth lifts for a second before pursing my lips. It’s probably time for me to let this out, as to why I did what’s been done. To what really goes on my mind that no one bothered to ask.
Until I arrived in this town.
Until I met these people.
Until I met this man who oddly calms my storm.
“I’m not really the favorite child,” I start, giving them a smile that didn’t reach my eyes. “The most common misconception is that if you’re the youngest, you get attention, love, everything. But that doesn’t apply to my family.
“I don’t remember it well, but I had a good relationship with my father until I started school. He immediately saw the difference between me and my older brother. He’s way smarter than I am. He’s polite and I get in trouble from left to right even without trying.
“My dad started to compare me to my brother as we grew up, and I believe that’s the main reason why I developed resentment towards my brother. My mother... she doesn’t care, she never did. She’s always been busy with her charity events that would make her look good to the public, and of course, her friends.
“However, despite their busy schedules, they’d clear everything to attend my brother’s graduation, school events and such. But they’ve never been on mine. That’s probably the reason why something in me snapped when I was in high school.
“I was in the wrong circle. I got in trouble for drinking and smoking. It wasn’t my attention, but for the first time, my parents went to my school, although for a reason that’s nothing to be proud of. I misunderstood the rebellion just to get their attention.
“But now I’m in my last year for my undergrad, it just became an escape. I no longer care for my parents’ attention, but I became dependent on alcohol to sleep, and cigarettes to calm down. And to be honest, I’m scared to get checked—because what if something’s wrong with me? Who’ll take care of me? I can barely hold my shit together. Or will it worsen my situation in our house? As they’ve already seen me as a burdensome.
“So, yeah. I’m here because I don’t have anywhere else to go. I bought a train ticket without knowing anything about the destination. Don't get me wrong, your town is freakin’ awesome, exquisite, but I’d sell my soul for a cheeseburger and chicken nuggets right now.”
I end my speech with a deep, trembling sigh, forcing myself to give them a smile, but it immediately drops when I see most of them tearing up, especially Jongdae who’s already hammered.
“Hey—what the heck, you guys.” I chuckle awkwardly, sitting up straight to look at them one by one. Jisoo even had to excuse herself as she cries, while Jaebeom looks at me apologetically, “I’m sorry. I—I shouldn’t have had ask you that...”
“No, no!” I walk over to them, feeling guilty for ruining the mood. I try to calm them down, but Jongdae, being dramatic as he is, starts to sob, talking to himself as he thanks his parents for loving him despite being such a headache.
Minseok looks at me fondly, though there’s a hint of pity and sadness in his eyes. “This is such a good reminder to be kind. We don’t know who’s struggling silently, and what we can only do is to be kind.”
I smile at what he said, nodding my head in agreement. “Be kind.”
Baekhyun finally gives up around two in the morning. I’m about to bid him good night but then he waits for me to get on my feet. “What—why?” I whine, not wanting to leave as I’m honestly having fun joking around with his friends and others.
Baekhyun sighs my name, dropping his shoulders. “Please? No one here will drive you home; everyone has alcohol in their system—no, Jongdae, you’re too drunk to drive, just sleep here.”
I groan loudly, giving him a glare. Nonetheless, I wave goodbye to everyone, promising that I’ll see them again soon.
I sit on Baekhyun’s truck, rolling down the windows so the chilly night breeze will hit my face soothingly.
“You okay?”
I can only grunt in response, resting the side of my head on the window frame.
“Sure? Or you’re too drunk to tell?”
“Baekhyun—” I close my eyes before pursing my lips. “I only had two bottles because you won’t let have any as soon as you arrived. If I was drunk by two bottles, I’m sober enough by the window time you kept snatching all bottles in my hand.”
He looks taken aback by my sudden outburst, and I do admit that I feel a little guilty about it. “H-hey, I’m sorry. I can make a U turn if you want to go back—sorry...”
I gnaw my bottom lip, wanting to slap myself for overreacting to something not big of a deal. “No, it’s fine. Just keep driving.”
He keeps driving alright. I’m in daze when I realize that it’s not the way back to Gran’s house, and we’ve been on the road for almost an hour—and that’s without traffic!
From trees and the shallow sound of waves crashing to the shore, my eyes meet with bright lights and buildings—though nothing compared to the big city, but my heart couldn’t stop fluttering seeing such familiar sight.
“Baekhyun, where—”
“You said you wanted cheeseburger,” he simply said, not even letting me finish my question. “And this is the nearest one from the town.”
And boy, did I wish to still use the alcohol as an excuse when he saw how red my face is, but then I remember how I mentioned that I sobered enough. Dumb.
Fortunately, he doesn’t say anything. Just a subtle smirk on his face, and he shakes his head a little.
Two cheeseburgers, ten pieces chicken nuggets, two large drinks and fries to share, we are seated on the back of his truck with the tailgates opened, in an empty parking under a starry night sky.
“Wait—so, you’re telling me you attended an Ivy League in the city?” I ask him with wide eyes, unable to believe the information I heard about him. We are talking about life and stuff, and I finally convinced him to tell something he hasn’t told me before.
Baekhyun casually takes a huge bite of his burger before nodding his head. He looks up to the sky for a few seconds before meeting my curious eyes. “Yeah... got a scholarship and stayed there for two years.”
“Holy crap, so you’re really smart! Damn, I could barely pass a minor subject. What the heck, Baekhyun? Why did you stop?”
He chuckles, flicking the tip of my nose with his finger. “Slow down, woman. You sound too excited.”
“Of course, I am!” I huff, reminiscing about the time when I dreamt of attending an Ivy League, but my GPA didn’t cooperate.
Baekhyun gives me a soft smile, eyes dancing around my facial features. “Is it the lighting here or you’re extra pretty today?”
I must admit that it did make my heart go crazy, and the butterflies in my stomach dance, or whatever crap people call it.
And it didn’t help when he chuckles huskily upon seeing my reaction. “I didn’t like it. It was the first time I had been away from my family for that long, and people were so different. Life was too busy, and the pressure of a job title right after graduation was insanely unrealistic.”
I nod my head in agreement, totally understanding his sentiments, especially now I’ve lived in his town for a month. I saw, experienced, lived the life they have. Quiet, simple, and peaceful.
Contentment.
Contentment is the city will never have.
“I was studying Psychology, and I was really interested in the subject. It was the environment I couldn’t keep up,” he continues, “now I’m twenty-four years old, living in his parents’ walkout basement.”
“And you’re happy,” I smile at him, and it makes him stare at me, unblinking, he then mirrors my smile, though his was wider and the corner of his eyes crinkle.
“That, I am.” he grins widely, and it makes my heart flutter seeing him like this. “I’m delighted you used and instead of but.”
“Oh, of course,” I shrug, smiling more widely than I already am. I honestly didn’t think about that—it just came out naturally. “But hey, can I ask you something personal? And it’s totally fine if you don’t feel like telling me.”
Baekhyun nods his head, turning his body to face me, his legs touching my outstretch limbs.
“Why did you hate me so much the first time we met?”
That seems to catch him off guard. He pulls his head back before pursing his lips. “Y-you sure Gran didn’t tell you? Or you just want me to put on spot?”
I look at him weirdly before shaking my head. “No, I’m genuinely curious. You went apeshit when you barely know me. You were an ass—sorry. Anyway, Gran only told me it’s about something businessmen wanting to take the town.”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes, exhaling heavily. He takes the last bite of his food and crumples the wrapper before putting it aside. “Okay—it’s no secret in the town that Gran’s eldest son is a very successful businessman.”
I gape at him, eyes getting wide. “I didn’t know that!”
“Well, you’re not exactly from the town and—” he only stops talking when I glare at him. “Moving on, when I was still in the city, I met a girl—why are you looking at me like that?”
I didn’t even realize I’m frowning until Baekhyun pointed it out. I instantly wipe my annoyed expression that automatically came out when he mentioned a girl. Since when did I become possessive? We’re not even together romantically. “What look?”
Baekhyun looks at me skeptically, though he’s unable to hide that little smirk on his face that I’ve been wanting to slap off.
“I met this girl—we’re not together anymore so calm down—”
“I wasn’t even asking—”
“You want me to continue or not?” he raises a brow in my direction, and I sigh in defeat.
“Sorry—continue.”
“So... I took her to the town to tour around, and of course, to meet my family. I thought it went well because you know, it’s normal for people to take pictures and document everything. However, I never thought that it would take a drastic turn when her short clips posted on the internet became viral and several investors immediately came to examine the area. And surprise, surprise! Gran’s eldest was one of them.”
I’m listening to his every word carefully and when he mentioned how the town became viral, it came crashing to me as why it sounded familiar back in the train station at the city. I now remember passing by a short clip a couple years ago.
“Gran’s sons are sort of estrange to her and her late husband. So, when he found out that his mother lives here, he thought he had better chance than other men in suit.”
I nod my head, slowly absorbing much information in the middle of the night. “And I’m guessing Gran hated the idea?”
“Hates it. She got angry at her son who didn’t contact them for years, and had the audacity to ask them to convince the people in town to sell their land to him. But more importantly, she cares for everyone in town. What will happen to locals if hotels and resorts are all around?”
I did hear from Gran about what happened with her husband about a year ago, and now I’m connecting dots. “Poor Gran...”
Baekhyun sighs, looking up in the sky. “Yeah... Gran and Pop-pop were everyone’s favorite grandparents in town. When Pop-pop passed, it took a toll on all of us. You met the youngest, Han, and he’s not really someone you can rely on, even when it comes to his parents. So, we promised Pop-pop that we’d take care of Gran then the next day, he’s gone.”
My mouth curves down and I look at him with sadness in my eyes. I just can’t imagine what they’ve been through. “I’m so sorry...”
But Baekhyun smiles at me, patting my cheek as an assurance. “It’s okay. And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize as well. You didn’t deserve that. I was an ass, damn right.”
“Well, forgiven since you bought me cheeseburger and chicken nuggets.” I giggle, raising the wrapped greasy burger in my hand.
Baekhyun laughs as well before straightening his back. “And for your information, this is all me. I’m doing no favor to anyone.” he bumps his shoulder with mine and I bend my neck a little to meet his eyes.
“What...?” I raise an eyebrow to him.
He clears his throat before speaking, “Should we now talk about us?”
Taking a bite in the middle of this kind of conversation is not really ideal. But in my defense, I didn’t know he was going to say that. My cheek protruded with the burger still in my mouth while I look at his eyes, unsure where this conversation would take us.
“W-what about us?”
His expression hardens, but it quickly vanished when he realizes I’m quite lost with what he’s going to say. “Gran’s animals will be overweight the next time you avoided me when I come over.”
“Oh.” was all I could say. I drop my shoulders and sniff, looking ahead of me. “Don’t worry about it. There are times I could get extra sensitive—I’ll get over it.”
“No, baby, I—” he lets out a deep trembling breath, sighing my name afterwards. “Sorry, that just came out.”
I can’t do anything but to smile awkwardly, mumbling an, “It’s okay.” Because no one has ever called me that kind of endearment without intimate intercourse before.
It’s weird... yet nice.
“Okay. I—Gran stopped forcing me to help you when you bit my ear. She thought that it might get us both on each other’s bad side further. She made me apologize but that’s it. Hasn’t ask anything since then.” Baekhyun huffs out, asking me to look at him, and I did. “I just see you in a different light now. I don’t know when it started. Maybe when you started making jokes about your stupidity with riding a bicycle—or when I finally had the chance to get to know you better on Gran’s roof—minus the smoking.”
I was about to hit him with my fist, but I’m so glad I didn’t, and chose to let him finish what he’s about to say.
“What I’m saying is... you make me shy, edgy—those stuffs, and I’d blabber the idiotic thing I could think of. I’m sorry.”
“I—uh...” there’s a lump in my throat that’s hindering me from responding to what he just said. Though, really, I’m just out of words. “Okay...”
“Really—that’s it? Okay?” his face went blank, eyes getting droopy as ever.
“What do you want me to say?” I counter, my voice gets higher. “I thought you like Jisoo. So, you know? I didn’t think about it that much.” Lies. But who’s letting him know? Obviously not me.
“I didn’t say I like her—”
“You were ogling at her, Baekhyun!”
“I’m aware it was inappropriate, but she was wearing a low-cut shirt and flashing her cleavage on my face, okay? I’m sorry if you misunderstood it.”
“Mind you, I offered to show you my boobs in exchange for some bike lessons and maintenance, but you were too prim back then.” I argue, crossing my arms across my chest, purposely lifting them up to be visibly in better shape. “But I guess Jisoo’s cleavage makes you shy and edgy.”
“You—” Baekhyun groans, rubbing his face tiredly. “You’re so stubborn, aren’t you?”
I shrug my shoulder, taking a bite of my burger... angrily. “I’ve been told. But thanks for the reminder.”
Neither of us said a word for quite some time. We are just seated next to each other at the back of his truck while I finish the food because apparently, I’m too stubborn. What he didn’t know is that I can be stubborn and hungry.
In all honesty, I do like Baekhyun. He makes me feel something I’ve never felt before. He makes everything around me brighter. He makes me see colors. He makes me realize that life can be beautiful.
Especially now he admits that he initiated everything he has done for me without Gran’s presence. And it’s a lot to take... though in a nice way.
However, I’m not going to deny the fact that I’m quite hesitant since I still have to go back home. I still have a year left in university. And I don’t know my career from there. I’m not even sure if my dad will take me in to work in his company, nonetheless, dropping out just like that is not part of my initial plan.
If we ever, stating out a huge possibility, got together, in just a few weeks, we’d cater to a long-distance relationship that rarely works for other people. What are the odds it’d work for me... for us?
And I believe coming out clean about the uncertainty must be verbalized to Baekhyun to be fair.
“I still have a year left in university, Baekhyun,” I murmur, glancing at him at the corner of my eye and see that he’s looking at me intently. “I need to go back to the city before semester starts.”
I see the small frown between his eyebrows as he absorbs my intention. “That’s it?”
Now, it’s my turn to narrow my eyes to him, clenching my jaw as I face him properly. “What do you mean by that’s it? I’m not dropping out—”
“Who said about dropping out?!” he cut me off, his voice got way out of control and can be considered as yell. He notices how I jolt on my seat, leaning my body away from his. He exhales through his mouth, calming himself before speaking again. “I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to shout. But can you hear me for a second? Because it looks like I’m the only one who’s willing to make us work.”
I open my mouth to counter his words, but nothing comes out, coming to a realization that he’s right. I roll my eyes at him just to show him I’m not mad or something. I grumble, “Fine.”
He smiles at me fondly, scooting closer to me. He snatches the food wrapper on my lap, putting it aside, before grabbing my hands. And I swear to God, my heart almost couldn’t take when he places his puckered lips to my knuckles, kissing them lightly repeatedly.
This man really knows how to sweep me off my feet.
“I like you, a lot.” he admits, smiling sheepishly and I don’t miss the shade of red on his cheeks. “It’s embarrassing how much I think of you in a day. I thought I was just worried about you because you’re not from around here. But then I started looking for you even if we were in the same room. You listen to my stories without judgement, you laugh at my jokes even when I know they’re not funny—I don’t know. It’s just... I like you, and it’s too early to say if it’s love and I don’t want to scare you, but I just want you to know, I’m willing to get there.”
I didn’t know I was holding my breath until Baekhyun calls my name. I blink several times to snap out of it. “B-Baekhyun, I—” I swallow the lump in my throat when my voice cracks.
“Before you say no,” he cuts me off again, smiling kindly. “I just want to let you know that I will never cheat on you even where you’re in the city and I’m here. I will make sure to give you peace of mind every day.”
I look at him longingly, gnawing my bottom lip with my teeth. Unable to find the right word to say, or more likely, unable to come up with a decision to my dilemma. “That’s a huge thing to say, Baekhyun...”
He sighs in relief when I finally said something, although it’s not a yes, but he just looks glad it was not a no. He grins widely, interlacing our fingers together and placing them on his lap. “It is. But that’s to prove my conclusion on how much I like you. I’m surprise as you are.”
I finally let out a chuckle, hitting his chest with my fist, though with not much of force but he still grunts. “Anything else I should expect from you?”
Baekhyun looks like he’s going to cry in relief when I said that, and I feel bad for acting so distant that it stresses him this much. He closes his eyes for a few seconds with a wide smile on his mouth before responding to my question. “Hmm... let me see. Well, I’m quite good in bed.”
I know he meant it as a joke since that’s just how we always communicate, but he looks so surprised when I agreed in a heartbeat. “Okay, I’m sold.”
“Wait—seriously?”
I nod my head, grinning innocently at him, or at least I’m hoping it to be. “What can I say? I have needs.”
“No, baby—” I thought he’s going to take back the endearment, but the butterflies in my stomach flutters when he doesn’t. “I mean—okay, that’s good to know, I’ll make sure to take care of you. But are you serious—you’re not playin’ with me? You’re saying yes?”
“Yes, Baekhyun,” I thought my smile couldn’t get any wider, but it does. “I like you—though, I can’t say if I like you a lot as well, but—”
He had to give me a death stare to make me shut up. I giggle, getting the courage to throw my arms around his neck, giving his cheek a smooch. “I like you a lot, Baekhyun.”
When I pull my head back, still in his arms, we are inches apart, staring at each other’s eyes then to our lips. I can’t help but sigh when our mouths finally meet. I climb to his lap, hands on his shoulders, while he holds my waist.
His lips are soft and warm. Like a hot towel after a shower during winter. Comforting. It almost tastes like hot cocoa on Christmas evening. Sweet and satisfying.
We had to cut everything and pull away from each other when I felt something beneath me. Baekhyun looks embarrassed and uses my tongue as an excuse for his hard on. I laugh at him, getting off his lap but not before giving his mouth another kiss.
He looks beyond surprised, yet excited, when I ask during our drive back, “Hey, can I stay over?”
It’s my first time seeing where he stays. Since it’s a walkout basement, it has its own entrance a few steps down from the main ground.
It’s tidy, except for the unfolded clothes on the armchair at the corner, and he has a typical twin-sized bed, and a few clutters on the wall shelves on the other side of the room.
He asks for two minutes while he cleans up, though what he’s done is to just hide the clothes in his closet and smoothen out the bed sheet.
Somewhere along my pun, “Are we going to fit in there?” referring to his bed while laughing makes me hot in an instant when he said, “I can top so it’d be fine.”
I try to laugh it off, sitting at the edge of the mattress. “I only meant to sleep here, but you seems to have another idea in your head. I’m not sure if I like it.”
With what he said a while ago, he has the audacity to blush, stammering with his words, “H-hey! You’re the one who shoved your tongue in my mouth. I thought—”
I’m wheezing from laughing too much, holding my stomach as it starts hurting. I cough and catch my breath when I glance at his pouty face, watching me make fun of his conundrum.
“I’m just kidding, come here,” I extend my arm, reaching out to him before flopping on the mattress.
Baekhyun makes me feel loved, special, and cherish me as a woman as he kisses my body while peeling my clothes off my body. He never forgets my emotions while getting into his desires.
I appreciate his time to set the mood by touching me like I want him to, tasting parts of me like a starving man. Then asking for consent before proceeding to enter once he secured protection.
No one had bothered to ask me on my previous experiences.
That night, I can consider it as my first time making love.
My first time feeling loved.
He kisses my mouth when he comes, then makes sure I’d reach my peak afterwards. I can’t remember the last time I felt sexually satisfied, but I definitely won’t forget this one.
Our foreheads lean on each other as we bask in our warmth and presence. We kiss each other’s mouth, nose and cheeks, giggling with each peck. And my eyes close blissfully when Baekhyun bends his neck to kiss my forehead, leaving his lips there for a few seconds before sighing.
I can feel his heartbeat on my chest when he does that. Whatever I’m feeling, he’s feeling it too.
Baekhyun’s right. It’s too early to say it’s love, but same as him, I’m willing to get there.
That night was the first of so many nights we’d spend together.
No one can beat Gran’s reaction when she found out that me and Baekhyun are together-together. She said that she didn’t expect it since she saw how we fought, bicker, and threw nasty words at each other that it gotten to a point where it got physical—my fault, sorry.
She gushed until the word came to almost everyone in town. I’m no longer Gran’s visitor as they once called me. I’m now Baekhyun’s girl.
Baekhyun is probably the sweetest, at the same time, manliest man I’ve ever met. Okay, I’m exaggerating but I’m so proud to call him my boyfriend.
It’s no news that I could say that I grew up without a man figure in my life even though I still have a dad, and I’m not really close with my older brother. And I’ve dated quite a few back in the city.
But with Baekhyun... damn it’s different. It’s good different.
Back in the city, it was only sex, alcohol, look cool together, sex, move on to different person, and repeat.
I mentioned to him that he’s like my first real relationship, and it boosted his ego. I have no problem with it since Baekhyun might know how to piss me off, but he’s never crossed the line, and I can’t see him doing it.
That’s the thing about him. He’s too respectful. At first, I was skeptical, thinking that he’d done something, and was just acting like that to prepare me for the worst. “Of course, I ought to treat you right. We’re together, aren’t we?”
It’s shameful to say out loud, but I gave him head that night.
Also, Baekhyun didn’t wait a week, or even a day, for me to meet his parents. It was awkward since we fell asleep the first night we got together in the basement and were awoken by his mother knocking on his door. I suggested waiting it out and I’d hide under his bed or closet, but he brushed me off, asking me to wear one of his oversized T-shirts before opening the door.
His mom was cool about it, in fact, she even asked us to go upstairs to the main floor to have breakfast. There, I met his dad, who looked so happy his youngest son got laid. No word was spoken to say what happened; it was just that obvious, even Baekhyun’s older brother kept wiggling his eyebrows to us.
Oh, of course, sex is great. He really proves he’s good in bed. The only struggle we had in the first week was with where to do it without any hindrance. Because apparently, “Baby, you’re adorable, but please—you’re such giggler.”
I didn’t even get mad at him when he said that. Instead, I laughed even more, and he had to put his mouth on mine since we were at his place and his family was right above us.
Since I’m quite ticklish, I had to learn to control my reaction when he’d run his hands on my bare body. That happened when he sneaked on Gran’s window on the second floor where I’m staying. I was about to sleep but felt the air mattress dipping beside me then an arm wrapped around my waist.
Gran is a light sleeper, so I had to bite my lip and swallow the noise down my throat. Imagine the person who’s taking care of you inside their house caught you having sex in the mattress you both struggle to inflate.
That'd be embarrassing.
But most of all, my favorite moments with Baekhyun are when we’d just lie on bed, or his favorite hangout spot where the golden sunrise view is always spectacular. We’d be in each other’s arms, appreciating the comforting silence.
In our clothes, yet intimate.
Though, I’m not discrediting him for his ideas of dates. I’ve never been to sweet ones, so he makes sure he’d put his best effort, like picnics, walking on the shore with shoes in our hands while the sun sets in such beautiful collusion of red and yellow colors. Or if he doesn’t have work, we’d hang out on Gran’s roof to stargaze.
We still bickered, yes, but it was nothing serious. Mostly, just to make fun of each other until one gets pouty and sulky. But that’s mostly me because I do like his affection when I’m pouty and sulky.
Baekhyun is becoming my favorite person, and I’m not complaining even a bit.
And not to forget there’s the simple, domestic kind. You know, just hanging out at each other’s place. Doing things normal people do.
Mind you, I haven’t done the dishes, laundry nor folded clothes—or any house chore, in my entire life. That was until I arrived here. I must help Gran at her house because that’s the least I could do for someone who put roof under my head and food in my tummy.
She did have a hard time teaching me basic things but there was nothing that could stop me from learning. Even if it means cuts, burns, and even bruises. Those were just small boo-boos and they healed in a few days. Now I have started enjoying doing the laundry or folding clothes with Gran’s old music playing in the background.
Hence, when Baekhyun dropped by one late afternoon to inform me that he had work in the nearby town and wouldn’t be home until the morning, I decided to pay his place a visit.
Right after dinner, I told Gran that I’d stay the night at Baekhyun’s, and she looked confused since she knew that he was out of town but let me go anyway.
It was not the first time I’d be staying at his place even when he was not around. This usually occurs when he’d be working in the dock, and I’d wait for him in his basement. I already know where the spare key is, and let myself in.
As expected, a pile of clothes was still sitting on the armchair in the corner of his room. He may be tidy in other things, but not when it came to the business after washing machine. I tied my hair in a ponytail and got to work.
His mom even came down to check since she heard noises and thought it was someone else. She offered to help but I assured her I’d be fine. She looked at me fondly, telling me that I could go upstairs should I need anything.
His clothes neatly folded in his closet, his bed sheet was nice and clean, and his floor was vacuumed and mopped. And I was spent.
I never expected anything from him in return every time I’d do these kinds of things, but he just does.
Sometimes it was a bouquet of flowers, or sometimes he’d take me out of town to eat the food I was craving. But my preferred is his simple kiss on a cheek and a, “Thank you, baby.”
Orrr... occasionally, I’d prefer a kiss while sleeping in his bed as soon as he got back and cuddling through the morning.
Baekhyun does the same. When he’s not working, he’d help me at Gran’s place. From simple chores to heavy ones.
Just like today. It's Sunday and I told Gran that I will stay to help her clean the house. I still haven’t turned on my phone, so it feels almost magical when Baekhyun appears out of nowhere. Most especially now that the roof needs to be cleaned.
The day was almost perfect until Han suddenly came in from the back door in the kitchen. I roll my eyes at him, and he gives me the same sass.
When he found out I’ve been staying as a guest at his mother’s, he got agitated since Gran doesn’t even give him a room to stay, but she’s giving one to a stranger. Although Gran still feeds him when he’s around. A mother will always be a mother. Can’t relate, to be honest.
I’m dusting the living room when Han decided that it was a good idea to rant to his mother. Well, I heard about how hates his older brother, yet wants to experience the kind of wealth the brother has. Gran doesn’t look bothered, nor pleased with the subject, but I don’t want to butt in especially it’s family affair.
I go upstairs instead to let me ear rest for a while before I have to hear Han’s voice again. Walking inside the room I’m staying in, I peek out the window to see Baekhyun on a ladder leaning against the side of the house as he scoops leaves out of the roof gutter.
“Hey there, baby boy,” I lean my arms on the windowsill and give him a playful suggestive look because I know how annoyed he gets with the pet name.
He groans loudly and I can’t help but to laugh, “Stop with that weird crap, please!”
“What do you want me to call you then? Daddy?” I raise a brow at him before squinting my eyes to annoy him even more. Kidding aside, I just got goosebumps upon saying that word. No, nuh uh. Will never ever repeat that, ever, again.
“Ugh! Baby—”
“Mom! They’re not cleaning, they’re just flirtin’!”
I jump on my feet when Han’s loud voice and when I look over my shoulder, he’s standing there with a bowl of cereal that I bought with my own money.
In the background, we heard Gran yelling, “Leave them alone!”
I raise a brow to Han to piss him off and he threatens to hit me with a spoon. Baekhyun’s voice can be heard from outside the window while he scoops leaves out of the roof gutter. “Han, please don’t do that to my girlfriend.”
I plastered a smug face to Han because, even though he’s almost double the size of Baekhyun, the latter is surprisingly an expert in some kind of martial arts that instantly flew over my head the second I heard it. Was it wushu? Taekwondo? Karate? I don’t know... oh! Hapkido! I honestly don’t know anything about it, but—yey! Supportive girlfriend here.
Han scoffs before rolling his eyes. He then points the spoon to the boxes in the corner before walking out of the room, “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just clean this up.”
I truly want to say something back to him, but Baekhyun calls my name to calm me down, because he knows how much I get triggered when Han does this kind of shit. “Just leave the boxes there, baby. I’ll carry them down once I’m done here.”
“What am I going to do then?”
“Just stand there and look pretty for me,” he grins widely, the corner of his eyes crinkling in the process. Although I roll my eyes at him, I can’t hide the small smile on my lips that’s slowly spreading.
I ignore him and walk towards the boxes that have been left untouched, thus dusty, since I got here. Baekhyun once told me that Gran and her husband moved here more than a decade ago from their hometown to live a quiet life. But being the good parents they were, they still brought their sons’ pictures and memorabilia of them.
By the third box, I hold my breath since the surface is very dusty and I’ve been sneezing like crazy. And instead of helping me or anyone in the house, Han just sits in the living room while watching the television with his feet up on the table.
As I’m about to approach the back door by the kitchen, the bottom of the box gives up and the contents of the box scattered on the floor. Fortunately, I hear no breaking of glass, so I internally sigh in relief before groaning out loud, crouching down to pick them up.
“Need help back there?” I hear Han ask from the living room.
“I mean, if you have a kind heart within you, why not?” I respond sarcastically that earns a hearty laugh from him.
We start picking up the items and they’re mostly framed pictures and a few documents. The last time to be picked up is a picture frame facing the floor. My hand casually reaches out to it and even makes sure that the frame is still intact.
In a split second, my facial expression drops, and I can feel how my heart starts thumping almost loudly in my chest when I flipped the frame in my hand.
There is a photo of Gran and her husband with a young man in a graduation gown, seemingly fresh out of university, flashing a wide smile on his face for the camera.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Han interrupts my thoughts and I raise my head to look at him with wide eyes. “That’s my hyung. He’s not a ghost yet, but he’s dead to us.”
I can’t find words to say nor get any of my muscles to move. However, I did feel how my bottom lip trembles uncontrollably, and my breath becomes ragged. With all the energy left in me, I close my eyes and breathe through my nose, holding it for few seconds before exhaling heavily—a technique Baekhyun taught me to calm myself down in case I feel like my thoughts are winning against me.
“Oy—you okay?” I feel Han’s hand on my shoulder as he tries shaking me a little bit, and I nod my head a little bit.
I croak, “Y-yeah...”
Han looks hesitant, grabbing the frame out of my hands and settling it down on the counter, and does what he thinks is the best solution: call for his mother. “No, you’re not—Ma! C’mere! She’s not breathing!”
Even with my condition, I still found the strength to glare at him as he can definitely see that I’m still breathing, though heavily—almost hyperventilating.
Baekhyun obviously heard the commotion, and he arrives first, clumsily and almost tripped from how fast he ran. He pushes Han aside and holds my face in his hands. “Hey, baby... breathe, come on. Follow what I’m doing.” he starts breathing in pattern, showing the basic skill to live, slowly, so I’d be able to grasp.
My mouth starts getting numb and my body gets a bit heavier as well as my eyelid, but my mind is very much conscious that I know how Gran gasps loudly when she gets in the kitchen, seeing me in perhaps limp state.
“Hey—damn it!” Baekhyun shakes my body as he curses my name, trying to get my eyes open when they’re about to close. “Look at me, come on. Breathe, please—Han, get a paper bag or somethin’!”
Even with my eyes getting blurry, I’m still able to see Han looking so confused and unmoving on his feet. “H-huh—what for?”
“Just fuckin’ get it!” Baekhyun yells. And I think it’s the first time I’ve heard him cuss—well... except when we’re in bed, but that’s another story to tell.
Han hastily looks for one and hands it to Baekhyun. The latter immediately places it around my mouth and instructs me to breathe as he counts the seven second rule. I lift my eyelid to look Baekhyun in the eye as I try to normalize my breathing and he smiles at me when he notices I’m following him, and my muscle slowly relaxing and the tension is slowly fading away.
My hand finally raises to hold Baekhyun wrist that’s holding a paper bag on my mouth. I pull it away gently and he sighs in relief, pulling me in to kiss my cheek and wrapping his arms around my figure. I whisper an apology right to his ear and he just shakes his head, continuously caressing my back to give me much comfort I need.
Han also exhales loudly, holding a hand on his chest. “Phew! You scared me back there, kid.”
Gran also sighs in relief; her eyes are teary, and her hands clasp on her mouth, thanking heaven that I’m fine.
I send them both an apologetic smile before taking another look at the picture on the counter as I peek over Baekhyun’s broad shoulders.
He, the man in the picture, might looked younger but I know him very well. Those bright and hopeful eyes in the past have turned into dreadful pairs; the wide smile when he was young was now a scowl; his sun kissed skin had become pale and wrinkly. I’m bewildered that his once seemingly cheerful soul is now lifeless.
I may add one more reason to probability as why our he prefers Kyungsoo more than me. He really did look like him when he was his age.
It’s already evening, a few hours after the incident, and we are all seated in the living room. I’m at the end of the couch, coddled up in a blanket and leaning my head on Baekhyun’s shoulder, while Gran and Han sit on the armchair across from us.
The picture frame now sits on the coffee table in the middle of the living room as I stare at it, while the three of them still have no idea what happened earlier, and what’s going on right now.
“Dear?” Gran finally breaks the silence. I lift my head from the picture to look at her. She has the gentle smile she always wears, and my heart breaks when I’m starting to absorb all the details, I’ve gotten from the moment I arrived in this town up to now.
What are the odds of this happening? For real?
I put my feet down on the floor and raised my head from Baekhyun’s shoulder. I clutch the blanket on my lap so that my fingers start to turn white from how tight it is.
“Gran,” I had to swallow the lump in my throat so that I wouldn’t cry by uttering only one word. Baekhyun places a hand on my back and that’s more than enough encouragement for me to continue. I point my index finger to the frame on the coffee table, “That—that man is your eldest son?”
Before Gran can even open her mouth to answer, Han clicks his tongue impatiently, “What’s this all about?”
I decided to ignore him, focusing on Gran who looks lost for the first time I met her. “Gran...” I bit my bottom lip, fighting back the tears that were threatening to roll down my face. “When you saw me at the train station... did you recognize who I was?”
That makes Gran narrow her eyes as she recalls the day she approached me. She then shakes her head slowly. “No, dear. Your face was unfamiliar, and you really did look like a tourist as I remember.”
I nod my head, acknowledging her answer, before stating my full name out loud, making the three of them confused as ever. I extend my hand to reach out for the picture and shows it to her and Han.
“And this man,” I sniff, pursing my lips before plastering a half-smile in Gran’s direction, “is my father.”
The next morning, I’m awoken by the birds chirping outside the window and my head laid on Baekhyun lap while his fingers comb my hair. He’s sitting up on the air mattress and blankly looking ahead of him.
“Hey,” I call out to him, and he instantly snaps out of his trance. “Did you sleep?”
“Good morning,” he bends his upper body to give my lips a quick kiss before returning to his previous position. He shrugs his shoulders, chuckling weakly. “I tried but couldn’t.”
Guilt crashes through me when he said that. Now I doubt any of them fell asleep. But I did. Like a log. Which should be surprising owing to the fact that two months ago, I needed alcohol to fall into slumber.
Last night, Gran was speechless, and she told everyone to discuss things tomorrow since it had been a long day for all of us. Han was quite useless if you may ask me, though let’s spare him for now as he really looked beyond shock yesterday.
Baekhyun had to call to say that he wouldn’t make it to work last night and stayed with me. Hence, I sleep like a baby.
My mind is running thousand kilometers per hour again, and I almost jolted out of bed to look for the family picture taken when I was in middle school that’s been hidden inside my wallet just in case they might think I’m just playing with them. But someone knock on the door and Han’s voice speaks on the other side, “We’ll be downstairs.”
Baekhyun and I quickly wash up before dragging ourselves back downstairs where we left off last night. However, contrary to my expectation, that Gran would still looks gloomy like last night, she’s back into her cheerful self, setting the table with pancakes, eggs and bacon—wait, is that Han in an apron?
Gran then holds my hand and makes me sit, and I look at Baekhyun who looks dumbfounded as I am. He shrugs his shoulders before taking the seat right beside me.
Remembering that I brought with me the photo I’ve been keeping in my wallet, I fish it out from the pocket of the shorts I’m wearing, handing it to Gran who freezes for a second before accepting the photo.
Gran's eyes become teary as she smiles sadly, placing a hand to cover her mouth before walking towards Han to show him the photo. She walks back to hug my head on her chest, dropping a kiss on my hair. “I only dreamt of meeting my grandchild.”
Han made fun of me throughout breakfast on how I looked ugly crying, and of course, the braces I had back in middle school. Gran is so happy that she wouldn’t let go of my hand and ask about Kyungsoo whom I was thin thread close on forgetting.
“He sucks, Gran,” I casually respond, sipping my OJ. “But he’s smart, so you’ll be proud of him, nonetheless.”
The three of them laugh out loud at what I said, and I can’t stop smiling from how my heart is full by this sight. Gran and Han asked questions about my childhood, but mostly it’s just Gran and Han would just butt in to get on my nerves. He may be my uncle, but it will never erase the bond we created at the first place to piss each other off.
“Uh-oh,” Han suddenly said, looking at Baekhyun with a mischievous grin on his face. “What are you going to do, Byun?”
Baekhyun’s expression instantly drops, and his eyes widen in realization that I can’t understand. “Shit.”
“What?” I ask Baekhyun to look for an answer, but he looks like he’s contemplating his twenty-four years of living. Then I turn to Han when I get nothing from my boyfriend. “What the hell is happening?”
However, Han just gives me an innocent smile, raising his mug with his pinky lifted in the air.
“Gran?” I desperately ask the last person who might explain to me what Han meant.
The poor lady shakes her head at those two men, before turning to me. “Baekhyun here got carried away when your father tried to bribe people to sell their land to him. The two of them may or may have not exchanged nasty words.”
I gape at Baekhyun who’s ready to apologize but turns baffled when a grin slowly shows on my face. “Oh, shoot! It’s an early karma for my dad! Like, you probably know what’s going to happen and took an early revenge.”
Baekhyun looks at me like another head grew on my neck, totally taken aback. “What...”
Han’s laughter booms around the house that I swear the walls shook when he did. “No need for DNA test. You're really your father’s daughter.”
“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” I huff, scowling at him.
“Byun, just a warning—run while you still can.”
“HEY!”
After all the commotion, Gran asks me to go to the living room to discuss something important. She specifically told Han and Baekhyun to leave us alone in the house since we both know the two have them have the tendency to eavesdrop.
“My dear...” Gran reaches out for my hand, giving it a gentle pat. “I’m so glad you’re here. I still can’t believe the miracle that just happened. Your dad... he—”
Gran shakes her head before sighing deeply. “You might notice that your Pop-pop and I were not present in your life. Your dad used to be a kind-hearted soul, gentle and loving son to us. But money took those traits of him away. I can count in my hands the time I’ve talked to your father since he moved out. He became estranged and even got married without us knowing.
“Before you or your brother came, we visited him in the city from our hometown, in hopes that we could at least grab lunch with our son. What we didn’t expect was for him to be embarrassed at the sight of two old people from the countryside. He didn’t shame us publicly, but he did tell us to stop seeing him, especially in his work.”
A tear escapes my eye before rolling down my cheek when I heard how my dad treated his own parents. I know I’m not close with him myself, but I can’t see myself sending old people who would travel hours just to see me. What the fuck, dad?
“He did send money through his secretary,” Gran continues, smiling sadly, “saying that it should be enough and there’s no need for us to bother him in person. Your Pop-pop got really angry with your dad and threw his secretary out of the house when he came by to drop a check.
“That’s why we moved here, to stay away from our eldest son’s radar. Sadly, he didn’t even bother to look for us. And I believe Baekhyun already told you about the story when he found out we live here.”
Despite my sorrow, I purse my lips and close my eyes, ashamed that we’re caught in act gossiping about other people’s lives.
Gran chuckles, leaning forward to caress my cheeks. “You have your father’s eyes, my dear. Don’t let the kindness in you be gone, okay? For your Gran?”
I lean on her palm, smiling widely before nodding my head. “I won’t, I promise.”
She nods in approval, dropping a quick peck on my forehead. “Now, I know your father threw you out of his house, but he’s still your father, dear. You’ve been away for two months. He’s worried.”
My shoulders quickly drop, realizing that she’s right, at the same time, I’m scared that they’re not even looking for me, and probably celebrating that the nuisance of the family is out of the house. “I don’t know, Gran...”
“My dear... your Pop-pop used to cry at night worrying about your dad, if he was eating well, or if he was safe having big names as his competitors.” Gran says, encouraging me to be a bigger person. “I’m not going to stop you if you want to stay here. You’re more than welcome, you know that. But for your beloved Pop-pop's sake, please at least let your dad know where you are and that you’re safe. He might’ve been cruel, but he’s still a father. But I will not deny how disappointed I am about the slap you mentioned. And if he doesn’t want you, as I’ve said, you have me... you have us here. And if you want to finish your studies, I’ll help you.”
I think about it for a few seconds, coming to realization that Gran’s word makes sense. I let him down and he doesn’t want to see me, he made that clear, it won’t hurt if I let him know that I accidentally travelled five hours away from the city, meeting my paternal grandmother who turns out to be the sweetest and kindest soul that made my inner child feel loved and cared for.
I know I said before that no matter what happens, I will still finish my undergrad in the city. But do I really want to go back to the city? If you’d ask me two months ago, or even a month ago, I’d answer yes in a heartbeat, but now... I don’t know anymore.
Gran is here. She’s old, and I truly want to be with her, take care of her. I’m being realistic when I think about the years she only has left. And I want to make up for the years my dad, her son, wasn’t around to be spend time with them. Gran and Pop-pop's children were too busy growing up that they didn’t realize how their parents are growing old too... and now Pop-pop's gone. I want to be there for Gran.
And Baekhyun. The person who taught me that love can be golden, and not black and white.
We might have had a bad start, but for the short time we’ve been together, he made me feel something I’ve never felt before. He listens to my thoughts, understands my sentiments, and has never judged my past. He makes sure that I won’t feel alone in this world anymore by his words and actions. “You have me—you will always have me. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. I will always be by your side.”
When night comes, I’m left alone in the room I’ve been using for a little over two months now. I finally have my phone that’s been left untouched since then. The charger is plugged as I gather courage before holding the power button.
When the familiar logo on the screen lights up, my heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest, and when I confirm my pin on the lock screen, my hands start to get clammy. I set the phone down and watch the number of messages coming in as minutes go by.
Some of them are from my former friends in university that I don’t bother to read the preview and scroll down further on my inbox. Most of the messages are from Kyungsoo, asking my whereabouts, spamming me with concern questions, frantically searching for me since none of his friends or my so-called friends don’t have any idea nor have seen me since I left home. He mentioned in his messages repeatedly: Where are you? / Do you need money? / I’ll send you money if you need it. / Mom and dad are worried sick. / Call me, please.
But a particular message makes me cry in an instant as soon as I see whom it was from.
I hope you’re safe and eating well. Dad | Received 11:07 PM
I’m sorry. Please come home. Dad | Received 5:06 AM
Gran is right. No matter what, he’s still a father. My thumb hovers the call icon on the upper right corner of the screen, closing my eyes and swiping left instead, making the screen go back to list of messages and tap the one with my brother’s name on it.
It rings three times before I heard his voice on the other line. “What the fu—where are you? Please tell me you’re still alive.”
“You’re smart and dumb at the same time. How can I make a call if I’m dead?” I chuckle, though shakily as I couldn’t stop sobbing after hearing Kyungsoo’s voice for a long time. “I—I’m okay... I’m sorry for making you all worry.”
“Are you still in the country?”
I nod my head then remember that he can’t see me. “I am.” And I had to stop myself from saying: I only had a hundred bucks when dad threw me out. What country can I afford? Republic of Poverty? Thank goodness I realize that it’s inappropriate to get sassy with him at this moment.
I heard rustling of sheets from his line and I’m guessing he’s getting out of bed. “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”
“I—” I can’t stop choking a sob, leaning the side of my head on my palm as I cry. “I don’t want to go back, Kyungsoo.”
“Huh—what?! Wait, let me get dad and mom.” Then followed loud steps he takes as he strides to where our parents are. There was a commotion on their side, and I heard my mom shrieking, “Oh, my God!”
“Sweetheart?” It’s my dad’s voice, and I haven’t heard him call me any endearment since elementary. “A-are you okay? Please tell me you’re somewhere safe...”
I snivel, wiping my tear-soaked face with the hem of my shirt. “I’m okay... I’m okay—I’m sorry, dad. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey—shh... it’s okay.” My dad hushes on the other line, and my mom’s crying can be heard in the background as well, chanting a very soft, “Where is she? Where’s my baby?”
“Tell me where you are, sweetheart. I’ll come get you.” And I heard Kyungsoo saying that he’ll come too. “We’ll come get you. We’ll be okay.”
“I—” I take a deep trembling breath before continuing, reminding myself what Gran told me. “I’m here at Gran’s.”
There’s a pause on the line before my dad asks, “Where?”
“I’m here at your mother’s, dad. Gran. She’s been taking care of me for the past two months. It’s a long story, but we just found out recently that we’re related.”
“You—you’re at my mother’s place?”
“Yes,” I answer firmly, deciding to let him know about my plan. “And I want to stay here with her.”
This time, it took him almost a minute to answer. I’m biting my nails in anticipation about what he’s going to say, however, all I know is my decision is final.
“Go get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
The next morning, when my dad said we’d talk, I thought that another call would come in, or I would have to call them back. However, when Han came knocking at Gran’s front door during breakfast to inform us that he’s here along with my mom and Kyungsoo, I wanted to hide somewhere, realizing that I’m not ready to see them as I was expecting myself to be.
I’m engulfed in a hug by my mom as soon as she comes in the door, and my dad following behind her. He looks like he’s fighting back tears, pursing his lips while he raises his hand to pat my head.
However, his demeanor fails him when Gran walking in the entrance of her house, smiling sadly at his son, my dad, who instantly breaks in tears before walking towards his mother for a hug. I lost count of how many times he apologized to Gran, and when he pulls away, he says, “Thank you for taking care of my daughter.”
Having no physical affection for my brother growing up, I stand in front of him awkwardly with a twisted face. “Do we need to hug as well?”
Kyungsoo scoffs, shaking his head with the corner of his mouth curve up in a small smile. “You fucking moron—” he pulls me to him, wrapping his arm tightly around my body. “I was so worried about you. I’m so sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have said those words when I didn’t mean it.”
I return his hug, burying my face on his shoulder as I cry. “I’m sorry too. And thank you for offering to send me money, I really appreciate it.”
He laughs out loud as he pulls away, giving the side of my head a playful smack. “From all of the things I texted you, that was the only thing you remember.”
I grin widely, “Of course.”
There was a long catch up with the family, more specifically Gran and his two sons. My dad and Han finally sat down and talked by themselves in the living room, while my mom and Gran chatted in the living room.
I brought Kyungsoo to the barn behind the house, letting him meet my fellas for the past two months and I can’t help but smile that he is enjoying feeding them. Never in my life had I imagined I’d see my brother carrying a bucket of chicken feed while throwing them on the ground with his bare hand.
I was smiling while I watch Kyungsoo do the things he’s unfamiliar with when I’m suddenly lifted from the ground and spined twice. The strong grip around my waist is too familiar for me not to know who it is, and to think that there’s only one person who’s been doing this to me.
“Good morning, baby,” before I can even react, Baekhyun places his mouth on mine for a chaste kiss. And if it isn’t for the burning gaze at the back of my head, I’ll return his kiss with the same fondness.
And I guess Baekhyun realizes that because he pulls away with a scowl. I raise my brows to him, silently telling him about Kyungsoo behind me. Fortunately, he got the message, and his eyes followed where I’m referring to.
“Oh, hi there,” Baekhyun casually greets Kyungsoo with a nod of his head. He then turns to me, “Gran’s guest?”
“Uh...” I peek over my shoulder just to see Kyungsoo’s squinting his eyes on me. He knew what I’ve been doing in the city, and words won’t be enough to explain how much he hates it and rats on me every single time. Though, I’m praying that he’s not seeing Baekhyun in a different light and thinks that he’s a one-time thing while I’m here in this town.
Then I turn to Baekhyun with an awkward smile, “Yes...? Some sort, but he’s also my older brother.”
I watch how my boyfriend’s face turns into horror, facing Kyungsoo with wide eyes. I haven’t told him about the phone call since he had work last night and stayed the night at their house since his mom needed him for something.
“My parents are also inside the house—but hey!” I try to break the tension with a laugh, clapping my hands in the process, “I’d like you to meet Kyungsoo, he’s my older brother. Kyungsoo, this is Baekhyun, my boyfriend.”
Kyungsoo looks at me weirdly, like he’s not expecting me to say the word: boyfriend. And I roll my eyes at him, nudging my brows to Baekhyun’s directly to tell: Yes, he’s my boyfriend. Shake his hand or I’ll break yours.
Fortunately, they did introduce themselves in a civil manner. Although my worry leaned towards my brother who’s been up my butt since we were kids, however, Baekhyun must really have charm over people, and they look like they are having a decent conversation.
When my dad and Baekhyun faced each other after their infamous heated argument back then, I thought I was going to pee my pants. Dad didn’t look so happy that I’m dating Baekhyun, but my mom did look surprised yet happy that I settled into a real relationship with someone. She got too excited and babbled, “Are you guys thinking about marriage?”
And the horror on all our faces, especially my dad who’s about to burst, but I’m grateful he didn’t say any insult to the person I care about romantically.
Han nudges my dad’s arm with his elbow, and I still can’t believe that the two of them are on talking terms again after the story I’ve heard here and there. “Hey, hyung, I know you don’t trust my judgement, but I can vouch for Byun right here. He’s a good guy and I never see him hurting your daughter. The opposite actually. He’s been taking care of her from morning to night since day one.”
I send Han a grateful smile, and I glance at Baekhyun to see he’s doing the same. Han may be a jerk at times, likes getting on our nerves, but I’m really, really glad he appreciates and doesn’t turn blind eye at Baekhyun’s effort.
Gran nods her head in agreement, “Yes, Baekhyun here never left her side even though they didn’t get along at first.”
I look at Gran with huge eyes, and she smiles at me innocently. She could’ve left the last part out. Seriously.
“Sir, may I tell you something?” Baekhyun chimes in and all attention turns to him. My leg bounces anxiously while I wait for his next words. “I’m in love with your daughter, and I respect your opinion as her father. But I will still stand with what I’ve said two years ago.”
Han closes his eyes, palming his face. “You could’ve stopped with you respect him as your girlfriend’s father, you fuckin’ idiot.”
I peek over my lashes to see Baekhyun’s expression. I’ve never seen him so serious, firm and... he kind of looks hot. What the hell am I thinking?
But wait! Did he just say he’s in love with me? Wait—what?! My eyes that are ogling at him go wide as saucer and a squeal threatens to escape my throat.
“You don’t have to worry,” my dad finally speaks, having the same expression as Baekhyun. “I will not go stand between you and my daughter.”
And I almost laugh out loud when all of us sigh in relief, even Kyungsoo looks like a ton of weights have been lifted off his shoulder.
“But you, young lady,” he continues, pointing a finger to my direction. “I understand that you found someone here, but is that enough reason you don’t want to go back and finish your degree?”
“Huh? What—you’re not dropping out!” And now it’s my turn to get the attention. I jut my bottom lip to Baekhyun who looks visibly upset.
“Okay! Who wants to help me make lunch—I think everyone. Come with me to the kitchen!” Gran cuts the tension between us, and all of them immediately stand up, except for my brother who looks interested in the conversation that’s about to happen. If it’s not for our mom who had to pull him by his arm forcefully.
Baekhyun opens his mouth, but I stop him before he can say anything. “Okay—first of all, I want to stay here with Gran. I’m not dropping out because of you.”
He scoffs, running his fingers through his hair. A habit of his when he’s annoyed. “You’re not a good liar, you know?”
I open and close my mouth several times before settling with a sigh, defeated. “Okay, you’re right. Gran’s part of it though. So, don’t get full of yourself.”
“Baby—” he groans, ruffling his hair this time, and he sounds so frustrated. “This is such a bad timing to say, but I love you. I really love you, that means I want the best for you.”
I whimper when I finally hear the three words no one has ever told me. “Baekhyun, I—” I inhaled sharply, “I love you too. And you are part of the reason why I don’t want to leave this town. I now don’t know how not to be with you. Please...”
He had to close his eyes when look at him with tears running down my face. “Please don’t cry.”
“You dropped out of college and turns out just fine, why can’t I—”
“No, I did not turn out just that,” he grits his teeth and realizes how strong his reaction was, so he reaches out for my hands and holds them. “I—I have to juggle several jobs a day to make ends meet. I may be fine with it but for you, my love, I want nothing but the best.”
“But—”
“I know you’re capable, I’ve seen you since you arrived here. You’re the one who said before you don’t want to drop out, and I’m asking you to honor your words,” he drops a kiss to my knuckles then on the corner of my mouth. “And I’m not breaking up with you if that’s what you’re assuming. I’ll always be here, I told you that. Just one year. If you still want to be here, then I will not stop you. And if you decide that you’ll stay in the city, and God forbid, with a new hot guy, then I’ll support you.”
I chuckle at the last part of his sentence, “But you’ll cry if that happens, right?”
“I’ll cry, drink until I vomit, and ogle at someone’s cleavage.”
“Hey!” I smack his chest with my fist, and he laughs, pulling me to his chest before wrapping his arms around my body, kissing my temple afterwards.
“So, one year?”
I contemplate for almost a minute, before pulling away a little just to look at him in the eyes. “We’ll still see each other, right?”
Baekhyun nods his head, displaying a gentle smile on his face. “If time permits, I’ll go to you. And if you have nothing going on, you can come here. We can also Facetime every day if you want.”
I try to say something funny about Facetiming every day but realizing that I won’t be physically with him every day saddens me. Baekhyun’s been my light and I’ll be stepping out to the world again without him this time. It scares me, but for him, I’ll do it.
I cried until nighttime that day. My family left me alone with him, knowing that we’d be separated in a few days. He held me close and made love until the soft rays of light peeked through the windows. Keeping our mouths on each other while chanting our love to one another.
“I love you.” We said to each other with a last kiss for a while.
It’s different now.
My life has turned a hundred and eighty degrees since I came back to the city. I can’t remember the last time I drank alcohol or the last time I lit up a cigarette.
I’ve been eating dinner with my parents and brother, telling each other’s day and just catching up, or ranting if someone’s day had been difficult.
I also got part-time jobs here and there, earning my own money instead of being too reliant on my dad’s credit card. I don’t even use it anymore. I’ve also been hanging out around people who make me a good person and forgetting the people whom I used to know.
Coming out clean to my family about my struggle with my thoughts, I also started going to therapy and they’re supportive of it... of me.
And yes, you might wonder where he is. Well, you see—
I’m just kidding. Baekhyun and I are doing great. He’s been visiting at least twice a month, and I go to visit the town when I have a long weekend. Though our time together is short unlike before, we always make the best out of it. You name it, dates, sleeping in, or you know, it’s me we’re talking about so sex will never leave the conversation when it comes to our relationship.
Gran also visits, specifically on special occasions and holidays. The three of them travelled to the city for my birthday, and it’s going to be my favorite for a long time.
When Christmas came, Kyungsoo and I went to visit the town since our parents had made prior arrangements months ago, hence they were unable to cancel. We decorated the Christmas tree and received allowance from Gran and our uncle, Han.
We’ve come to an agreement that it was the most fun Christmas we had in our entire life.
Time flies so fast that I didn’t realize graduation was approaching right around the corner. My dad sat me down to discuss my decision and assured me that whatever it might be, he’d support me.
I told him that it didn’t change. He smiled and told me that he was expecting it. He then proceeded to discuss his plan to help. He said that I could reject his offer, but he’d be happy if I accepted it.
I immediately got into a call with Gran, telling him about Dad’s plan to invest in Agriculture in the town instead of building hotels and resorts. Gran asked me about my thoughts on it, and I told her that it could help locals get more sources of income, and the focus would be on them.
Gran sounded so happy and agreed. I didn’t understand why she kept thanking me, but when she said, “You changed everything for the better,” I bawled my eyes out.
After graduation, I told Baekhyun that I’d be staying in the city for a week to think. You know... because it wouldn’t be me if I’d boringly tell him I’d stay for good in town.
I almost told him that when he looked visibly sad during our daily Facetime, but I’m glad I held my ground.
It was only five in the morning when I arrived. I drop my things at Gran’s and hop on my cruise bicycle to his basement, my face getting hit by the once unfamiliar but now loved cold breeze when the sun hasn’t risen yet.
With the spare key in my pocket that he had given me, I open the door and see his silhouette sleeping soundly in his twin-sized bed. I remove my shoes before closing the door behind me. I slowly walk to the other side of the bed, trying not to wake him up as I lift the blanket and sneak beside him... Baekhyun.
But my efforts went in vain when he groaned and lifted his head. His eyes look droopy as he stares at me confusedly. “Love?”
I grin at him, leaning to kiss his lips. “I’m home.”
The surprised look on his face makes the dimmed basement brighter. He hugs me tightly and kisses parts of my face repeatedly. “Welcome home, my love.”
Yes, home...
This is my home now. He is my home.
And it’s brighter now.
#baekhyun#baekhyun smut#baekhyun fluff#baekhyun scenario#baekhyun angst#baekhyun x reader#baekhyun imagine#exo#exo smut#exo imagines#exo fanfic#baekhyun fanfic#exo scenarios
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Star Wars Rebels is one of my favorite shows. I can still remember back when it was just a planned project I'd occasionally hear about either online or in a commercial on Disney XD. I found it a bit funny at the time, because I remembered wondering what they were gonna name the next show after The Clone Wars--because obviously there was gonna be a show after The Clone Wars--and lo and behold I got my answer; Star Wars Rebels (way better than Star Wars Galactic Civil War). I caught the trailers, interviews and the character profile videos online and even managed to catch the shorts during the months leading up to the premiere. Little eleven year old me was optimistic that somehow this show would help fill the Clone Wars shaped hole in my heart.
And boy did it. I remember watching the premiere sitting on the floor, loving every second of it. I especially felt connected to Ezra, who, at that point, was the Star Wars protagonist that I was the closest to in age. Next thing I knew, three and a half years had gone by and the Rebels finale ended up being one of the most emotionally distressing episodes of television that I had ever viewed. At first I didn't like the epilogue funnily enough, but soon came to realize that it was perfect.
This show means a lot to me. It was never the most popular in the fandom, honestly it felt like a good chunk of TCW fans just wish it didn't exist, still bitter about Clone War's cancellation and blaming Rebels for it. The show was chided as childish and silly (this is a Star Wars show we're talking about btw), the animation was cheaper than the later few seasons of Clone Wars, the lower rating meant that it couldn't get away with the same level of violence as Clone Wars and the only things about it that were universally praised were the elements and characters that related to Clone Wars. It felt like Rebels, like many of its own characters, just couldn't escape the shadow of The Clone Wars. But those of us who watched and kept up with it, grew to love its characters, its art, its music and its story--we knew that Rebels was special in its own way. I honestly believe now that Rebels surpasses The Clone Wars in many regards and it's been exceedingly vindicating to see Rebels increase in popularity and become well-respected by the community at large.
Rebels still one of the only pieces of media to really make me engage with fandom at a deeper level, for better or worse. I definitely wouldn't have made this tumblr account last year if it weren't for me rewatching the show with my family and getting back into the swing of things. And I probably wouldn't have found the courage to try and get into art earlier this year if it weren't for that either. So...I owe this show a lot and I got more to say but...I don't think I'll ever find the words that could properly convey what this show means to me.
Happy 10th anniversary Star Wars Rebels, I'm thankful for the decade we've had together. I wish I had more to show my appreciation, but for now I suppose this study/redraw of some concept art I did for art class will do.
Shoutouts to Rebels Recon, y'all were an indelible part of the experience that more of the newer fans need to check out.
Star Wars Rebels Appreciation Week: Day #1 - Favorite Character
Ezra Bridger
#my favorite piece of Star Wars#only Return of the Jedi and Visions come close#star wars#star wars rebels#star wars rebels 10th anniversary#rebelsweek 2024#rebelsweek2024#Ezra Bridger#Blueberry#swr fanart#I've been waiting to use this next tag for a very long time#my art#me rambles#REBELS 10th ANNIVERSARY
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BLLK MATCHUP EXCHANGE WITH @thecurrator
For romance, I pair you with...
🏯IGAGURI GURIMU🏯
Buddha be praised
After careful consideration, I have come to a conclusion that our favorite monk is your best suited match
I know what you might be thinking right now, but please hear me out
After reading your info, I immediately knew that Igaguri is your one and only <3
Contrary to most people's opinions, Igaguri can be a great partner, and with everything I've gathered after reading your information, I can confidently say that he is most compatible with you
After all, it's rare to find such a character in medias such as blue lock
A rarity - that's what he is
Although with the help of plot armor and favoritism, he still managed to make it this far. That's an impressive feat
Look at the picture I chose for him, massive aura right there
Namusan!
Nah jk I'm not pairing you up with this pig
Your actual pair is....
⚽RIN ITOSHI ⚽
Not gonna lie, he was the first and only character that came to mind when going through your info
Sae popped up later, but no one cares about him
“I love to talk to certain people about things I find interesting, like my fixations or a fun hypothetical situation” - He finds your hypothetical situations intriguing, he thinks through it seriously before sharing his opinion
Soon enough, you’ll find him dropping his own hypothetical situations onto you, but it only happens on occasion
Feel free to infodump him, he’s a good listener, will give small comments from time to time to show that he’s paying attention
“I daydream a lot and tend to space out” - Rin doesn’t show it because he’s a nonchalant king, but he finds that aspect about you cute, and will lightly poke your forehead to get your attention
Rin will be there for you if you ever need someone to confide in, he’s not really good at comforting, but he tries anyway
Rin is a blunt guy, he doesn’t sugar-coat anything, but that’s how he shows that he cares
I imagine him saying that it’s a waste of time to dwell on such trivial matters when you could be improving yourself to prove them wrong. Who cares about what others do or say? They’re just idiots who pick on others only to satisfy their need for superiority. How lukewarm.
“Not easily influenced by the norm and by extension social media” - He appreciates your dislike towards conformity, it’s something you both have in common. He too, is someone who’s not easily influenced by the normal ‘standards’ set by others
Actually scratch that, he’s not influenced by the norm at all
“Wasn’t going to download Instagram” - Rin barely uses Instagram, he doesn’t see the appeal. It’s only on his phone because it was pre-downloaded
“I play the role of an observer when around my friend group, not going out of my way to help them if they made any mistakes” - Rin also appreciates that you simply chose to watch from the sidelines and not making an effort to help whenever he makes mistakes
He doesn’t need help, he can take care of things just fine
“I think small talk and first conversations to get to know someone is a waste of time” - This is so Rin, he doesn’t get why people act all friendly towards each other during their first meetings. There’s better ways to make a lasting impression than something so insignificant
“My giving love language is acts of service and gift giving” - Again, he may not seem like it, but he really does cherishes the things you do/gift him
Even the littlest things, like handing him a bottle of water after training, or throwing him a towel after every game
He loves anything you give him, even if he has no use for them
He keeps them in a box hidden somewhere inside his room
It makes him feel a bit warm inside knowing you gave things to him while thinking about him
“My receiving love language is words of affirmation and acts of service” - Once more, Rin isn’t so great at expressing himself with words, but attempts to do so
He’ll give you a simple “Good job” continued by a “Keep it up”
That’s the best he could do at the moment, please be patient with him :(
I'll be real honest, if anything, I feel like you need to be the one giving him reassurance 💀😭
Of course, he’ll also do small acts of service
Bro is 186 cm tall, if he sees you struggling to reach something then he will grab whatever you need for him
If you both ever go out shopping, be it buying books or whatnot, he offers to help you carry your things, he’s built for this
“I am a very picky eater” - lol you’re more than welcome to dump whatever you don’t like, he’ll shoot you a look but nothing more
“I don’t like bugs” - Do not fear, Rin is here! He catches them in a cup and release them back to the wilderness
“I like looking at sunrises and sunsets” - You both often go watch the sunset by the ocean, it reminds him of Sae, but instead of revisiting his feelings of sadness and rage, it gets replaced by something else, an unfamiliar feeling that he only feels around you
“Preferred dates: dinner after movie” - Rin particularly enjoys these kinds of dates. It’s fairly simple and doesn’t take a toll out of him. He doesn’t mind or care what kind of movie you are watching, but if you want to maximize his enjoyment you should consider purchasing tickets for a horror film because Rin is a psychopath who watches horror movies to relax
If you get scared don’t hesitate to cling onto him for mental support, he secretly likes it
And he thanks the dim lights to hide his pink-tinted cheeks
Bro’s just touch-starved
He doesn't outright says it, but he finds your habit of getting lost in new places somewhat cute
Just ring him up if you ever get lost, and he’ll be right there to pick you up
He can't exactly blame others for complimenting your looks, he knows you're pretty, but he still gets jealous over it lol
For sibling, your brother will be...
🩷SENDOU SHUTO 🩷
Sendou Shuto our underrated king
I was originally going with Nanase, but I figured Sendou will offer a more fun sibling dynamic
We all know how he likes to brag about himself, flaunting off his achievements whenever he can. I mean, he WAS Japan’s U20 ace
What you don’t know is that he boasts about you whenever you’re not around
“My elder sibling” this “My elder sibling” that
He knows you are good-looking, it runs in the family after all, so he’s not all that surprised when he hears others praising your looks
Though, if someone ever tries to flirt with you…
Oh boy
He gets all judgemental, thinking AND telling that said person is not good enough for you
Especially towards Oliver “why have 5 chicks when you can have 9” Aiku
Lil bro doing his best to keep him at least 5 ft away from you
I can see him suggesting that you audition to become an idol
His reasoning is because you have the looks for it, and since you have a nice handwriting, he thinks that your idol signature will be very cute
Quick someone tell him handwriting ≠ signature
Guess how that conversation went…
But he’ll still pester you about it, given that Sendou can be very stubborn
Sorry to say, but he blabbers about his fantasy of marrying his favourite idol to you
You’d end up spacing out in the middle of his rant and he’ll have to snap you back to reality
“One day, I’ll propose to Ai and....Hey! Are you listening?”
It’s always easy to tell whenever he’s in his own little world daydreaming about his life-long goal, but he’s always surprised when you point it out
“Wha- How did you know? Are you a mind-reader or something?”
It’s also easy to tell when Sendou’s trying to tough things out
He’ll deny it at first, but there’s only so much that he can take. Poor boy ends up seeking you out and cry on your shoulders
He has a very fragile heart :(
Most of the time, Sendou doesn’t want advice, he just wants someone to listen
You can quickly cheer him up by pampering him, even if it’s just a little
Sometimes, he invites you to watch Hollywood movies with him
Points at different actresses throughout the movie and goes “Isn’t she hot?”
Asks you if he’s compatible with his favourite idols or actresses whenever he gets the chance
You’re so done with him :/
At one point, Sendou tried out poetry in an attempt to impress you. Staying up late at night constantly in a cycle of writing and crumbling the paper until he deemed it good enough, which by the way, did not happen
He didn’t clean up properly so you found them anyway and hey…it’s not too bad!
Like you, he’s also afraid of insects; but if one ever flies towards you both, although scared, he’ll be all sacrificial and charging towards the bug headforth to give you time to retreat from it’s premise
He’s more than happy listening to you infodump, he gets genuinely interested too and asks a lot of questions. He’ll flex his new knowledge to his team
Sendou as we all know, is an arrogant guy and doesn’t hesitate to talk back, so arguments between the two of you are bound to happen
He tries to tough it out yet again, but ends up crying in his sleep :(
Sendou will eventually think back and reflect upon himself, and promises to be more mindful of his behaviour
He tones down on bragging about his achievements, and avoids cutting you off when conversing
Sendou often overhears when you get scolded for ‘not being a good enough of an elder sibling’ and will immediately jump in to defend you
He doesn’t know what they’re talking about, he sincerely believes that you are the best sibling he could ever ask for
He’s also more than willing to throw hands to those who hurt you
You can try to stop him, but he still ends up doing it behind your back
He’s the type of guy who says that scars are ‘badge of honours’
Although Sendou may not show it, especially in front of you — he really, wholeheartedly looks up to you and loves you dearly
He is so, so proud to be able to call himself your younger brother
Which is why he’ll continue to work hard and become the best football player out there, not just to achieve his dream of his ideal marriage, but also to become someone YOU can be proud of :)
Extra
Since Sendou doesn’t get along with Sae, he most definitely will not get along with Rin either.
He tries to bite back his tongue and ignore Rin, he really does
But Rin doesn’t, he thinks Sendou is lukewarm
They’ll tame it down when you’re around, but once you leave the room it’ll be a super brawl
Brawl stars, peak game
#blue lock#bllk#blue lock x reader#bllk x reader#blueglock#balls#whatisbluelockevenabout#igaguri#rin itoshi#rin itoshi x reader#sendou shuto#sendou shuto x reader#sendou x reader
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Mike's Media Medley; September and October 2024
so it turns out having 3 jobs and being a part time student means i dont wanna do anything ever so this will be kind of a lightning round in which i just state some brief thoughts and give a score on all the things i experienced for the very first time in september and october 2024.
Movies (2024 releases): Blink Twice, My Old Ass, Transformers One, Saturday Night, The Wild Robot
Movies (non-2024 releases): Rear Window (1954), In The Heat of the Night (1967), Tár (2022)
Video games: Touhou Mystia's Izakaya (2021), Cult of the Lamb (2022), Sonic x Shadow Generations, Balatro, and Mouthwashing (2024)
Blink Twice
this is zoe kravitz's directorial debut and im gonna be honest this kind of slayed. i saw some people complain about how long the build up goes but i think the build up makes the twist work even better. speaking of the twist PLEASE take the warning at the beginning of the movie very seriously.
really enjoyed it and might watch it a second time to see if i can pick up new details but i think seeing it two times will exhaust its appeal to me, i think that's like the max i can enjoy it. really good movie but it hinges on the twist.
btw the title card popping up EXTREMELY briefly during a camera flash? 10/10 no notes
77.5/100
In The Heat of the Night (1967)
i think this movie is like, Fine. definitely a solid movie with good performances. i think the cultural context it was made in elevates it and i understand how BOLD this movie would've been back in the 60s (especially when sidney poitier slaps a white man) but as far as like. police procedurals/mystery solving etc goes its not my favorite but that's not necessarily the point.
decent watch, made better with the cultural context of its time
65/100
My Old Ass
this movie was ALRIGHT and i barely remember anything about it. i didn't hate it i don't think. i didn't love it. i think only one moment made me truly laugh and i can't even remember what that moment was.
40/100 on the basis of me liking it i.e it didnt piss me off like some other movies ive watched but maybe the score should be lower because i dont remember a thing about it idk
Rear Window (1954)
i meant to watch this in theaters for its 70th anniversary but i had to work both days it was showing so i rented it from my local library. this is my first hitchcock film and i thought it was REALLY good, definitely way better than i was expecting based on plot synopsis alone but that just shows i was a fool sorry for doubting alfred hitchcock
that being said watching old movies rly makes you notice how many young women get paired up with men twice their age and its narsty and i wanted the mc to die for most of the movie. im only half kidding. didn't care so much for the personal drama side between crusty ass man and his girl tbh
incredibly good suspense. might watch it again but idk if i would like it as much on repeat viewings
80/100
Saturday Night
i couldnt understand a word anyone was saying in this movie because of weird sound mixing and how intrusive the music was especially at the beginning which feels rly uh bad considering how talky this movie is.
wish i could give it a higher score but alas i didnt hear 75% of the plot or jokes which SUCKS because I AM RACHEL SENNOTTS BIGGEST SHOOTERRRRRR
40/100
Tár (2022)
i was kinda bored by this. i got the point i just got bored. i dont rly remember much except thinking it was incredibly funny she got punished by the narrative into orchestrating video game concerts
technically very well made and cate is obviously putting her pussy into this it was just not for me.
45/100
Transformers One
now this is what im fucking talking about
i didnt think i remembered much about transformers but i watched this w my mom and the whole time we were going omg starscream omg soundwave omg i am optimus prime yassssss
choreography is fucking epic. jokes landed for me 75% of the time. but the obvious highlights are the character development and backstories for optimus and megatron. this movie was epic and you should watch it for free on your favorite pirate website because fuck paramount lives and SHOUT OUT TO BRIAN TYREE HENRY OF LEMON FAME WHO HASNT MISSED YET IM GONNA WATCH ATLANTA ONE DAY KING I PROMISE
85/100
The Wild Robot
gorgeous movie. lupita fucking killed it. cried at the end. dont think i would rewatch it much but i greatly enjoyed it. no notes go watch it
85/100
viddy games
Balatro (2024)
girl help
Cult of the Lamb (2022)
ADORABLE art style, lots of mechanics but not necessarily very in depth. the perks just feel kinda eh but i love the aesthetic and the music. also usually not big on things with religious themes but i let this one slide cuz its a cult doing. bad cult things LOL. also i love my little guys
Mouthwashing (2024)
theres literally so much i want to say about mouthwashing but what can i say that hasnt been said already...ill save it for my end of the year review because it is DEFINITELY making my top 7 unless these final 6ish weeks of the year are full of fucking bangers
Sonic x Shadow Generations (2024)
ok so i never played the og sonic generations much, i rented it on redbox once and my brother rented batman arkham city at the same time and we had one xbox so i barely played that thing before we had to return it becuz his stupid ass hogged it all weekend and im not bitter about this still at ALLLLLLLL but god i fucking love shadow the hedgehog so much hes truly the little guy ever
Touhou Mystia's Izayaka (2022)
so i haven't sunk a WHOLE lot of hours into this game because i keep getting distracted by other things but i think its VERY cute and chill and pretty fun and i might be tempted into the touhou project dark side maybe
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Hi Shiny! I’m not new to your blog but I have been reading up on the works I’ve missed since I haven’t been the most active on tumblr for like, a solid year, (possibly more?) and I forgot just how amazing your writing is; you are definitely one of my favorite writers, and I greatly enjoy every one of your works.
That’s why- as a reader who really wants to get into writing- I would love to hear what stands to be your biggest inspirations, and especially what media (whether it books, songs, films, etc.) has influenced your writing. I’ve been looking to develop my writing style by taking in the works of others, so any recommendations are appreciated!
Welcome back, anon! Let me see what I can think of off the top of my head.
As I sit here, the first thing I thought of is vocabulary. I think having a good VOCABULARY is key to making a good story, especially when it comes to the flow. I grew up reading a lot, and recently, I began reading more again just books and articles. Through that process, it's easy to learn words, see a new one, and look it up. You might remember said words and use them later.
I've actually been told that I speak kinda eloquently at certain times, like in a professional-business like way, which I totally don't mean to. But yeah, I digress, vocabulary is very important. I'll give you an example.
I started writing this chapter for a new series, and it was late at night, and my heart wasn't really in it. When I reviewed it, I immediately hated it. Why? Because of the vocabulary. It was all simple words, repetitive, and without any variety. I'm not saying your vocabulary has to be great or anything, but when I write, I always have a site called wordhippo open. Just for when I can't remember a specific word or I'm looking for a synonym to change things up and prevent that annoying repetitiveness.
CHARACTERIZATION is also a huge deal. Writing for characters that are not yours is not easy. It's difficult. One thing I do is if I'm not sure about a character's decisions, actions, dialogue, is I look for reference points from what they're from. Voicelines, art, anything helps. If its lacking, I try to think of another character they're similar to and ask myself what would this other character do? Would it be the same as the first character? That usually helps.
Of course, this includes character development and conflicts and relationships and such. I think some of the best characters I've ever seen in media, are from the animated Avatar: The Last Airbender. That series has such solid personalities, variety within the cast, good interesting conflicts, and one of the best character development arcs in modern day animated media.
As for songs, I usually just listen to instrumental songs when writing. I found that lyrics tended to distract me, which is why I try to avoid it when writing. No series or novels come to mind immediately, although I do write personal reviews for those I read. Most of which is either praise or criticizing (mostly criticizing) the writing style of the author, the characters, or the plot. I'm glad to share some of those, but I've written a good number of them and they're lengthy, just me yapping.
Anyways, that's a lot. I'm not sure if I answered your question as you wanted? I hope I did. Let me know if there's anything else.
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Ok I just need to vent for a sec because I finished my Romanced/non-ascended Astarion run and gosh
As someone who suffers from severe PTSD... this means a lot to me. I've seen so many characters in media with PTSD where the condition isn't taken seriously/written poorly, or the only 'happy ending' they get is death.
But this... This is nice. The life I've lived is abnormal. I don't talk about it much because most people either wouldn't believe it, or might feel bad just for hearing it. I've survived torture, starvation, attempted murder, and I'm only just coming out of a lifetime of that. I was trapped for ages. Years. So many years. It's made it hard to trust people, or feel genuinely cared for. And being able to play a character on the other side of that, as someone confronted with a person traumatized and tasting freedom for the first time... and being able to help them, despite the difficulties, and get them to a place of safety and happiness is... I don't even know what word to use. It makes me feel hopeful, in a way. Seen. Understood a little.
And his reaction to freedom and safety! While it's not exactly like my own, it's so close. And I've never seen that feeling represented before. Safety is terrifying! Trusting people is terrifying! It feels impossible to believe anyone would genuinely stick with you while you work it all out.
When you go through a life of trauma, there's no such thing as safety. You get so used to the danger that going without it is the most terrifying thing in the world. Your brain and body can't comprehend that there isn't a threat. Before I escaped my situation, I knew there was always danger. I was always prepared for it, I was used to it, and knew how to tell when and how I needed to react. Being scared is familiar. It's a crutch, almost. The fear keeps you alert and alive. But... when the source of that fear is gone, you're left with this horrible feeling that the danger hasn't passed - you just can't see where it's coming from or what shape it'll take.
It's numbing. But a weird numbness. You flip between that and deep periods of, 'Oh fuck oh god, all of that really happened and now I have to pick up the pieces and live with it'.
Seeing someone else going through that, and being able to say the things I wish someone would tell me (and not even realize I needed to hear it until after) feels so good in the most aching way possible.
And the Cazador scene! There's one part at the start that hits so hard:
That last line is everything I wish I could say to my own parents. I was punished for everything. Anything I did was an excuse to hurt me, even something as simple as showing an emotion or reacting to the pain. But when I escaped it all, and my father tried to pull me back, he tried to frame it like he'd done it all for my own good. That I was the one at fault, and failed despite his best efforts to 'help' me.
I wish I had the courage to yell those words at him, instead of trying to keep peace and make myself meek. "Fuck you and fuck everything you've ever done to me". I feel that in my soul. I want to scream it at him until my lungs hurt and I can't breathe.
And his ending... He can't stay in the sun anymore. It hurts him. It'll affect him for the rest of his life. But he has someone who cares for him, who will stay with him despite that, who doesn't view it as a hindrance. I can't even describe how that makes me feel. I have wounds from what was done to me that will never truly heal, and until now I've always thought of it as a flaw that would make me unlovable. As odd as it is... Him not being able to go in the sun makes it an even happier ending for me? Yes, it hurts and it sucks. But... He's not alone. Part of him believes you'll leave him now that he's confined to the shadows. Proving him wrong feels like a final affirmation that, yes, you're really staying with him. It's real, and he won't be alone. Everything will be okay, despite the pain.
Anyways thanks for coming to my traumadump. I really wish Larian would give us more opportunities to hug Astarion.
#BG3#baldur's gate 3#Astarion#traumadump#CW PTSD and Abuse#Also#And I have some incredible friends and social workers helping me get through it#I'll be ok. This is the best I've ever been#if you have questions I don't mind answering#it feels good to talk about tbh. and if I can keep people from worrying I will#q
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Do you have the source in which Luffy was confirmed aroace? I’m making a project on the ace and aro communities that includes a list of aro, ace, and aroace rep in media and I can’t find where it was confirmed, but I hear everyone say he is. Thank you.
luffy is very very much aroace coded but neither he nor the author have ever directly said the words "luffy is asexual" - one piece's canonical queer rep is limited to transgender characters
that being said, here's the relevant passages, and some context if its needed:
in chapter 516/episode 411, luffy stumbles across boa hancock, the worlds most beautiful woman, in the bath. she has an ability to turn people to stone when they feel some amount of "love, lust, or adoration" to her; ie. when they are attracted to her. heres how it goes:
youtube
this is the first time hancock meets a man who isnt affected by her power. it basically suggests that, by not turning to stone, hes not attracted to her at all.
eventually, she develops a crush on him, and she wants to marry him, which he outright rejects (chapter 598)
in regard to the "mero mero" moment, a fan noticed a discrepancy, and asked the author about it in the SBS corner from volume 54. luffy had previously responded to the naked body of a woman the way all the other guys did. oda decided to blame it on luffy imitating his friend
"That's not the Luffy we know." "When Luffy is alone, his reaction is what it was with Hancock. He's interested, but he's not entranced by her." Luffy acting in a certain way because Usopp does - going along with the mood of the moment, or performing, or however you want to say it - feels awfully aspec to me. It's definitely a common aspec experience to try and force yourself into amatonormative - or, in this case, I guess allonormative? - behavior.
In the SBS for volume 88, oda was asked about why luffy called a woman a "beauty" at one point. The response:
Luffy understanding physical attractiveness as a classification, understanding it but not caring about it - that suggests he probably doesn't experience aesthetic attraction (appreciating someones appearance, disconnected from sexual/romantic attraction). this definitely speaks to my experience as an aroace individual.
also, this isnt necessarily evidence for luffy specifically, but moreso a general answer - in the SBS for volume 34, oda was asked if there would be romance between the main characters, and he brushed it off:
my impression, personally, is that Oda is generally fairly uninterested in pursuing any romantic relationships between his main characters.
in conclusion, I personally feel like the evidence here suggests that luffy is aroace, or at least aspec, given some of Oda's wording (which is probably a little up to interpretation, given it's been translated from japanese). His answer in volume 54 has always felt like a retcon to me, like Oda only came to a conclusion of sorts on this when Luffy met Hancock, and had to go back and find some reasoning for why Luffy would have responded that way. Luffy, more than anything, wants to have an adventure, and romance and sex aren't part of that for him.
I'm not gonna try to police how people view Luffy. it's not healthy for me to do that - luffy and his aroaceness is something that's very very personal to me and itd be way too messy. In addition, in the past I've had people point out that this evidence would only necessarily suggest luffy isnt attracted to women, and he could be gay; I personally don't see him that way, and I seriously doubt Oda would make that choice in canon, but people can do what they want. I think, however, it's pretty telling that a lot of aroace and aspec people see themselves in him.
This morphed into something of a modern take on my thesis here instead of just answering your question; sorry about that. I'd be interested to see your project when you're done, if you're able and willing to share!
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So, I've been doing the Great Sheith Reblog for a while now, gradually reblogging almost everything I shared before that was tagged as Sheith. Lots of art, gifsets, fics and recs, old merch posts, and meta to go around with the occasional dash of salt because lord, dumbness about shipping brings out the salt sometimes. But most of the time it's a lovely nostalgia hit and a reminder of why I still love this ship with all my fandom heart. It's bittersweet sometimes, seeing the usernames that left with Tumblr's worst decision ever, the fellow fans who have moved on to other things, and yes, the hopes and dreams we had before Season 8.
Long blathering under the cut: musings about the persistence of anti-shippers and what queerbaiting actually means.
But occasionally what both amuses and frustrates me is how things line up because it's 2024 and we still have klantis/antis over on the former Twitter spreading the same lies about Shiro and Keith - about their ages, about how they met, about what their relationship is. Right now over there, arguing is happening again because someone put up a clout-chasing poll about which mlm ship was the most influential and included KL but not Sheith (KL beat Johnlock and then lost to Hualian, so I'm happy twice over). Side note - I think if we take "influence" as a completely neutral term, then yeah, KL has been a huge negative influence on fandoms as it was one of the places that allowed puriteen attitudes and anti behavior to grow unchecked for so long. That helped turn some ship fandoms into cults, in which you had to believe with utter certainty that your ship would be canon or you weren't a "true" fan of the ship. That put more emphasis on opposing a rival ship through wank and harassment instead of focusing on the joy and fun of creating for the ship you supposedly love.
And that poll prodded someone to create a Google Form for soliciting answers as to what the biggest examples of queerbaiting are in media. And of course people are saying KL and Adam/Shiro, among other things that are not at all queerbait. These are examples of people guessing wrong and getting mad about it. Queerbait requires that the producers/writers/etc. say outright that a ship is going to happen and then it doesn't, without any influences from the powers above them making changes. Not received fan "wisdom". Not marketing doing things without consulting the producers.
And I just reblogged someone's ask in which they said they felt queerbaited by Sheith solely because of the "brother" line in "The Black Paladins". The answer is excellent and worth a ready if you haven't seen it on my blog already.
Breaking it down:
KL is not queerbait. KL was never planned as a potential ship and LM/JDS said so multiple times. They said it never occurred to them as a possibility and by the time KL's popularity took off they were too far along in the writing to try and go back and make changes, because animators need time to draw. LM flat-out said she was surprised that it became a thing. If the producers are telling you over and over in no uncertain terms that a ship had never been on the table and couldn't be added to the table now, that's not a case of queerbait. And they spoke of Lance's love interests as female every single time. JDS/LM never said anything that would lead fans into thinking KL was a possibility without the deliberate and willful misinterpreting of their words.
Adam/Shiro is not queerbait. Adam is a minor character in a series with a large cast. He has two functions: to be evidence of Shiro's status as a queer man and to be a "face" for all the pilots that died in the first wave of Sendak's invasion. Some people try to claim that LM and JDS queerbaited with their answers at SDCC 2018, but they're wrong. The only thing LM said was that we would see more of Adam in S7. And we did. She did not promise we'd see more of him with Shiro. That was people inserting what they wanted to hear, just like them trying to elevate Adam's status to a fiancé when again, LM clearly stated that they were serious and considering getting engaged. Not engaged. Not married. Just a couple that was serious about each other but broke up.
I don't consider Sheith to be true queerbait. It might fall under the cryptoqueer situation explained at the end of the post linked above, but JDS and LM were mostly very careful to talk of Sheith in terms of deep friendship and devotion to one another, after the initial wave of support for fan content during S1, prior to the klanti movement taking off. The only thing that skirts the line for me is a quote, I think from JDS, saying that if Shiro had a new love interest it would be someone he has known a long time. Or maybe that was about the romances in general being developed over seasons and not Shiro-specific - I would need to research. (Yet more proof that the endcard "wedding" was not planned since we didn't see the unnamed groom until S7 and they never interacted.) And that was said before studio execs started meddling and caused the trainwreck of S8.
I do think we were supposed to have an open ending for Sheith. Klantis like to point out a storyboard artist claiming that "no one wins" this ship war as evidence that KL was supposed to happen and got changed, but that statement applies if Sheith is left open-ended and Allurance happens, even without the endcards.
When I have a chance, I'll try and dig up the links for the various quotes I mention above. Thank you for reading if you made it this far!
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A little story about how I became me:
In the most supportive way I can say it, my thoughts on what people need to hear to become better, and why it's not always obvious.
Like pretty much everyone, I was a dumb teenager many years ago. I grew up in a very conservative environment, without many chances to really hang out with people who weren't also teenage guys either. I was surrounded by a lot of homophobia, sexism, and a lot of people telling jokes that weren't just horribly offensive, but even worse- they were honestly really generic and unfunny. And that's a small part of why I'm here to talk about.
For anyone who followed my blog in its earliest years, you might know I was a huge fan of the Yogscast YouTube group as a teenager. I loved Simon, and Lewis, and Duncan, and Kim, and so many of its members. But there was one member who was quite different from the others- a woman named Zoey.
Zoey Proasheck was one of the first big openly gay YouTubers I think ever. But what made me gravitate to her so much was that while she never downplayed that part of her identity, she promoted the positive stereotype-breaking parts of her personality even more. She's honestly not just one of the nicest content creators I've ever seen, but maybe even the nicest person I've ever seen. (And I know she doesn't like being put on a pedastal because celebrity worship is bad and all people have flaws, but I think her positive actions and impacts should at least speak for themselves) As a dumb teenage guy who at the time had never even met an LGBT person, it was eye-opening experience watching Zoey RP as characters who liked guys, and play kiddie games like Scribblenauts, Pokémon, and Puyo Puyo.
Dumb teenage me would have been under the impression that lesbian YouTubers would only promote queer content. Disclaimer that I'm not promoting the "model minority" argument, minorities are not obligated to act a certain way in order to earn respect or not be bullied. This is just a story about what it took to change me as an individual in a way that may not apply to everyone.
But yeah, just as her straight coworkers played games and expressed their interests that didn't telegraph their sexuality, most of Zoey's content wasn't either. It was nice seeing such an eternally kind, funny, and creative person just enjoy sharing her happiness and creativity with others, and her liking girls was just an added detail. Some highlights include her just joking about wanting to meet pretty girls in Scribblenauts, expressing her love of rainbows, and just saying 'boobs' because it's a funny-sounding word. And those bits while funny, were only a fraction of the overall funny and creative content she made that was for all audiences! Zoey was never a person who was there to lecture others on her identity, or to create content only for people like her. Just because she was queer, it didn't mean she marketed her content only or even mainly for queers- she made it for everyone- I'm happy so many LGBT youth found solace with her, too. But if she did try and make content solely or mainly for queer audiences, myself and others like me would probably have been dissuaded from watching her channel and having our worldview expanded.
But yeah, after watching Zoey for so long, slightly-jerky teenage me had a small space in his heart open up for accepting queer people. Because no matter what harmful stereotypes I saw on TV, no matter how many actual people fit those stereotypes in online spaces or irl, I would always know that if a real queer person as eternally kind and funny as Zoey could exist, being LGBT couldn't possibly be the factor that makes people "bad" as all the fearmongers say.
This next part will probably be tough to hear for a lot of people, but I don't think representation in media matters the way many people think it does- at least, not in the realm of animation and acting.
What I mean by that is, I was raised on well-written and amazing female protagonists as a kid- Kim Possible, Lilo and Stitch, My Life as a Teenage Robot, The Proud Family, Totally Spies, ATLA, and especially the girls of the Teen Titans. But because I was raised in an environment that was very oppressive towards girls and one that deliberately isolated guys from them, I had no good female presences in my day-to-day life. No amount of strong female characters in media could change the fact that my irl view of girls was shaped by the very conservative and honestly disappointing ideals of the girls around me. It took moving to a vastly different environment where I could interact with less conservative girls for me to start unlearning the misogyny instilled in me during my early teens.
And in the same vein, no amount of fictional LGBT characters would have undone any homophobic beliefs I used to have back then. Because I know such characters aren't real and don't reflect the values of real people around me. What actually contributed a lot to me becoming less homophobic was Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother. If I only grew up on gay actors being allowed to play gay characters, my mind would never have been allowed to separate them from the shallow stereotypes I was taught as a teen. Neil Patrick doing such a great job of playing a caricature of a hilariously cartoonish straight guy allowed me to see that gay people aren't bound to always acting "gay". Their sexuality doesn't control their day-to-day behaviour. While such things are obviously clear to people who are also LGBT, I think we easily forget how straight people with literally zero experience talking to LGBT folks don't know these things by heart. Barney Stinson being straight was better LGBT representation to me than all other queer characters thanks to Neil Patrick Harris.
I think a lot of today's dumb teenagers are immediately put off listening to minority voices because they oftentimes come across as a "lecturer" or an "enemy". Someone who isn't necessarily evil, but still a person who views them as a "thing to change" or "person to yell at". And it's hard to give a mean person yelling at you the satisfaction of being right, even if they are right. If someone came up to teen me and started exasperatedly telling me how being homophobic made me a bad person (even though that's obviously true), not even yelling at me, teen me would have been off-put by being antagonised and would probably not listen to them. Heck, teen me may have even become more homophobic since this hypothetical irl LGBT supporter was so antagonistic to me, and the idea of being like them would seem off-putting.
EDIT: And I know certain celebrities have recently come under fire for not openly stating their political leanings. And sure, it's probably because they don't wanna get cancelled, or because they have the privilege to be impartial in situations that impact a lot of innocent people, but there's another detail I want to note. At this stage in the game, I wonder if a celebrity coming out as liberal would instantly turn their entire conservative fanbase against them before listening to what they had to say. Sure, it's probably just the celeb covering their ass, but I can't help but think about the silver lining of a conservative viewer hearing their favourite celebrity saying "hey, most people on the other side are chill to talk to, don't be mean to them even if you think they're really annoying" maybe being more impactful if the celeb claimed to be apolitical rather than openly liberal. You can absolutely chew me out for being wrong on this one if you think I am, I'm just speculating.
I don't at all mean to victim-blame anyone here for not being nice enough to bigoted people. Sometimes people are so hateful that no amount of kindness can change them, and you are well within your right to distance yourself from them or fact check them when they spread hate. What I am saying is that nobody likes being lectured. Not on big things like human rights, not on medium things like airplane safety instructions, not even on small things like promotional giveaways sometimes. I think a majority of people who don't support minorities aren't hateful bigots who constantly rant and rave about getting rid of other people. Maybe 10% of them are like that. But the rest of them are just poor isolated folks like teen me was, who just need that one cool person to show, not tell them that kinds of people they've never met can be cool too.
So what does that mean for me? Well, despite the massive amount of rambling I just went on here, I also don't want to be a "lecturer" in the content I make and how I conduct myself in daily life. I know it's difficult, and I've faltered before, and maybe will in the future. But if by some miracle you're a person who dislikes "wokeness" or "things being shoehorned into media" and you've read this far, thanks! I'm not here to tell you you're a bad person, I'm not here to tell you to change, and I'm not going to say any of my content is "not for you". I'm here to make art and comics and animation for everyone to enjoy. If you're feeling down or even just bored, I hope the things I make can make your day even a little better. I'm not a lecturer, and I hope I'm not an enemy - I'm just here to be a friend. I also have some of my biggest animation and comic projects EVER coming soon, and I really hope you like them!
And to people of all demographics, I want to add that if someone ever makes an offensive joke, there's no point yelling at them that it's "offensive" or "bigoted" or "whatever-ist". What's more important is letting that person know that, honestly? That joke ain't it, chief. It's worse than being offensive- it's honestly kind of boring and predictable, dude. Teenage me probably made that joke 10 times over a decade ago, and my classmates probably made that same joke 1000 times. Don't worry though - I've told lame jokes before too, but thankfully I took the L and my jokes now are honestly getting way better!
Stay safe out there, okay? I hope your tomorrow is happier than your today!
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