#was like hm this sucks actually. also like worst period of my life but that's unrelated . but this is so. nice? and im DOING things and i

[butterflieswhisper]

looping echidna beastlife gif from trying to figure out toonboom

[veiledsilver]

Top five moments you've felt like the universe was messing with you.

Oh boy everyone get ready this is a long list. In descending order, from mildly funny looking back on it to "oh god oh shit oh fuck":

5. Catfishing: College Edition

In 6th grade, I decided to apply to colleges early to see how they were like. I was scared that if they knew I was too young, they'd arrest me. So I created a gmail account as my persona, a white 12th grader named Emilie Alexander. Emilie was planning to go into nursing, dating a high school linebacker named Kyle Kenderson, and deathly allergic to bee stings. If she even came near a bee, she would die.

This part was of the utmost importance.

See, I was constantly paranoid that one day, the jig would be up- I might forget that my fake last name was Alexander. Or the college dean might come knocking at my door and tear up my home in his mad search for Emilie. If that happened I would fake her tragic death, presumably caused by one big fucking bee.

I secretly collected my information. What nearby states were the prettiest to visit. Which colleges were the safest and most affordable. How often they held courses that I liked. In my emails with colleges I tried to sound as mature and professional as possible.

Then, one day, a college member asked me what high school I was in, so they could check my records.

My blood froze.

It was time to bring out the bee.

In response to their question, I sent an email that was like this:

"Dear Mr. McLaughlin, I was a proud graduate of- ugh! Ah! Kyaaaa! Uwaa! W-w-what's this... huge goddamn bee doing here?! Eek, pardon my foul language! It's just that, as I told you earlier, being stung by a bee would kill me.... and now it's stung me thrice (three times)!!

What do I do?! I can't die... I've always wanted to attend your beautiful college...

But this is... the end...

Mr. McLaughlin...

*looks at you sadly*

Tell... my mother... I loved her...

*dies*"

He never responded, probably because he was rendered speechless, but I never touched that account again.

My private gmail for fun stuff like tumblr still has "Alexander" as a surname, though.

4. Wild and Authentic

Alright. Alright. So. My art teacher in middle school.

Right off the bat, they endeared themselves to the tumblr art kids- they proudly used they/them pronouns, dyed their hair vibrant colors, deeply encouraged OC creation, and was chill with any art style even if it was anime. Mx. Mason was very cool, except for one thing.

We had complete artistic freedom when it came to their assignments, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.

Drumroll, please.

Take a deep breath if you must.

Ready?

...

Cats had to have extremely distinct whisker pores.

YES, they believed that modern depictions of cats were too streamlined. Too... idealized. As a cat owner themselves, they were convinced that society's vision of cats did not do their feral feline ancestors justice. In making their faces flawlessly smooth-furred, we were stripping the cat of its true nature.

I found this out the hard way, when I was drawing warrior cats fanart for class (it was of Firestar cuddled in the arms of an orange haired anime catgirl who was his reincarnation in my first ever comic series, Warriors Neko Desu! ♡ Heart Academy Dokidoki).

Mx. Mason came over to look at my magnum opus, and I expected them to have their socks knocked off at my artistic talent. They lifted up my drawing for all to see, and I smugly leaned back in my seat.

Only for them to launch into a passionate lecture about how, in neglecting to draw whisker pores on cats, I was DENYING THIS FICTIONAL CAT OF ITS WILD AUTHENTIC SELF.

My friends absolutely lost it when I told them this story, and there was a period of time when all our discord nicknames were wild and authentic too.

As for Firestar and his counterpart Hoshineko Orenji-chan, I never did give them wild authentic whisker holes, but that's to be expected of a kittypet, I guess.

3. Stan Jungkook Or Whatever

A couple years ago, my family and I flew to Seoul, South Korea, to visit our relatives and teach me more about my heritage. It was very nice! I got to visit shrines and festivals and palaces, and I was in awe that this was what my ancestors had once seen in their daily lives.

Then, when we went to the modern side of Korea, I realized just how much I didn't fit in.

It was clear that I didn't know how to act, or how to speak Korean, and I spent my days fumbling around and getting scammed multiple times by salesmen. But I clowned myself the most... during an interactive event with kpop stars.

They had this experimental event where holograms of the boys would sing onstage and dance in place of the actual idols. Before the show began, girls could stand in booths that scanned their appearances, and holograms of THEM could dance onstage with the hologram boys.

I didn't know this.

When Cousin Ae-cha told me to step inside one of the machines, I thought I'd be hilarious and stand backwards, so it would scan the back of me instead of my front. As I walked out, I saw other girls putting on their best makeup, cutest clothes, and most expensive accessories, and I slowly realized that I was in danger.

But the danger didn't come until halfway through the concert, where the boys looked eagerly off-stage and a holy staircase appeared and all the hologram girls descended from heaven. There were cherry blossoms. There were roses. There was me, among the crowd of beautiful airbrushed girls, walking backwards.

I felt the judgemental gazes of twenty girls and their mothers.

Each boy danced with a girl, who got a cute animated moment with special effects, and sang about how they found a dream girl to have a true love romance with. Finally, all the girls vanished except one, and it was me.

One of the boys didn't dance with any girls, and now he was all alone in the rain, feeling dejected that HE did not find his true love girl to have a dream romance with. Then the rain stopped, the sun came out, and I emerged. Still backwards.

He was thrilled and sang about how my face (that he didn't see) stole his heart, and now everyone in the audience was giggling, and he slowly brought me very close to kiss me... but because I was backwards, his nose was cutely nuzzling my hair.

The audience members- at least the adults- were now laughing their asses off. His lips met the back of my head, and together we vanished into the wind.

I'd say I couldn't show my face there ever again, but I never did show my face, so... hm...

2. Horrid Little Temptress

If I wasn't a minor, I'd need a drink before starting this story. Sadly, I cannot drown my sorrows- and neither should you after you hear this, because it's only fair.

Mrs. Appleby was my Spanish teacher in like, 9th grade. Even the wild and authentic art teacher thought she was insane. Appleby forced kids to brew tea for her and yelled at them when they didn't get it right, and I thought she had a chronic squint until I realised she just did that to mock me and my Asian eye-folds. She forced us to watch Dora the Explorer to "absorb knowledge." Everyone fucking hated Mrs. Appleby.

But the worst thing she ever did... was during the school festival.

See, whenever she's angry, she zooms right into kids' faces to scream at them. Her wrinkled flesh would blot out the goddamn sun and all you see are her bloodshot yellow eyeballs so victims just stayed rooted to the spot like cornered animals or something similar. This is important.

Because when she was sampling her own brownies (read: hoarding them so no one else could eat them), one parent foolishly decided to grab one and she thought it was a student and she grabbed his wrist so hard she could've nearly snapped it and... and... zoomed into his face.

Except she underestimated his height and kissed him by accident, but it was more like her mouth was sucking in his face like a vacuum.

His wife was shrieking like an ape. His kid, my classmate, saw his social life flash before his eyes.

In her defense, she did not mouth to mouth with him on purpose and afterwards she cried in the bathroom and when I foolishly followed her in to comfort her, because I am a teacher's pet through and through, she snatched the paper towels I got for her and wailed that she was a-

A-

HORRID LITTLE TEMPTRESS.

If I had decided to not be kind, I never would've heard that string of fucking words. But I did. And I paid for it dearly. The end.

1. Violence IS The Answer, Sometimes

Thomas, my dearly detested.

Back in sixth grade, I used to have a crush on him because he had the surfer boy look with nicely tanned skin and pale blond hair and the clearest aquamarine eyes I've ever seen. He also liked surfing and swimming. He seemed like the perfect little trophy waifu except for one absolute dealbreaker.

He and his parents were extremely conservative and so, when I told him I liked him, his response was basically "haha no you're a [slur] and would probably eat my dog."

I was horrified and ran away to cry. But then, by the next day, I decided I needed to punish him. Thomas walked in before class started and I was waiting for him with these hands. I kicked him so he doubled over, slammed his face into his chair's seat, and quickly clambered on top of him to SIT ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. He started shaking and twitching and trying to pry me off, but eventually he went limp and stopped moving.

I thought he fell asleep, but Mohammed, another classmate who was bullied by Thomas, told me that Thomas might never wake up again (not that he was very sad about this. I didn't know until later, but Thomas said slurs at him too).

While I was sitting on the guy, he'd straight up passed out from the lack of oxygen.

Screaming and crying, I told our homeroom teacher that Thomas suddenly fainted, and she was the type of Caucasian that thought all little Asian kids were sweet and innocent, so it didn't even cross her mind that? It might've been me? Who sat on his head when she walked in?

He was sent home early that day. I had to go to a different school next year because Thomas's mom threatened legal action. The only reason I didn't get punished further was because my rich cousins out-Karen'd her and donated a huge amount of money to the school to keep them quiet.

Anyway, I never did anything that insane ever again, because something like that is enough for a lifetime. My cousins made it clear they would never back me up again. I was sure this whole event would be put behind me, too.

But last fall, during my first day of online learning... who did I see in my zoom meeting... BUT THOMAS! I had my mic and camera off, but the moment he saw my name, his face went pale. His soul would've left his body, but then it would've gone to hell, so it wisely decided to stay inside.

Still, out of shame and embarrassment, I never turned my camera on for the rest of the school year.

[raziroo]

3. Demon Child (Pt. II) - Remus Lupin

Pairing : Remus Lupin x Reader

Genre : Angst all the way. Hint of fluff.

Warnings : Abusive home conditions, mentions of death, graphic descriptions of death, descriptions of torture, mentions of sexual activity.

Word count : 7,200

~~~~~

"What?" I asked Potter and company.

"N-nothing, just, you know..."

"You think me kissing your best friend is strange."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well... Because you seem to hate humans in general, and it physically pains you to smile?" Potter asked, sarcastically. "Oh, and also because you're incapable of feeling emotions," Black chided.

"Is 'ugh' an emotion? Because I feel that all the time," I retorted, then turned to Lupin. "I don't feel 'ugh' now, I feel actually happy, but that's an occurrence that's rarer than a Parseltongue, so..." I shrugged.

"It's OK," he replied.

After a painfully awkward moment, I exclaimed, "Well! I... Guess I should get going, uh, I need to... get fired," I said, removing my hands from Lupin's shoulders.

"Fired? Why would you get fired?" he questioned, furrowing his brows, looking adorable.

"Oh, Moony! Why are you surprised? Miss I-only-wear-black-and-it-physically-pains-me-to-smile scared her boss, so now she's about to get fired," Black commented. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Well, Mr. It-is-my-mission-to-get-in-bed-with-every-breathing-organism-in-existence, I am about to get fired because I was on "holiday" for two whole weeks, and because I bunked my five minute break to come visit your best friend who you're practically married to, and because my boss is a-!" and that was the moment, witches and wizards, when the Golden students of Gryffindor had the fortune of hearing my artistically colorful vocabulary. "Oh, and also," I added, "I don't wear just black. I wear inky black, metallic black, leather black, jet black, jade black, obsidian black, onyx black, charcoal black, midnight black, coal, and raven. And also, grey, burgundy, violet, blue, and green." I flashed a smile at Black's bewildered face, and with a kiss to Lupin's cheek, apparated out.

•••••

Ever since the kiss, that had occurred two weeks ago, Lupin frequently visited me. He often brought me food, and coffee, and we would sit and talk about anything and everything for literal hours. Things had become comfortable between us, we had even discussed about the kiss, and what it meant. I had made it clear that, now that he finally knew what I felt towards him, he was in no way forced to return the feeling, and that it was alright with me if he ever felt uncomfortable or forced to reciprocate my feelings.

Of course, he had always replied with a remark that assured me that he wasn't feeling forced, and it was all fine. I, of course, wanted to believe him; it wasn't my fault that I couldn't. Because even though I knew Remus Lupin was a good person, one who'd never lie to me, I was also aware of the fact that I wasn't typical crush material, and people would have no problem leaving me, even if they were scared of me, quite like my father.

And so, strictly out of the fear of being left alone, a quite rational fear of being left alone, I asked him the question that had been bugging me for days now. Or at least tried to.

"Gryffindor," I said, to the person sitting opposite me, who was sipping coffee in the secluded corner of the coffee shop.

"Hm?"

"I... wanted to ask you... something," my hesitance abundant in my voice. Perhaps my unusual reluctance was the reason that led Lupin to look up at me.

"What is it?"

"I... Have been thinking..."

"Hm, go on," he urged.

"I just... " I couldn't do it, it was way too difficult. So I twisted my words around, in order to make the Gryffindor aware of what I meant to say, without actually saying it. "Look... As a kid, I didn't have the greatest childhood. I- I had one of the worst... possible scenarios you could possibly call a childhood. I was a... Mistake, as my parents kept reminding me every other day; they had me when they were teenagers, you see," I raised my eyebrows a bit, but not meeting the man's intense gaze.

"So, my father didn't... he wasn't very- keen on the idea of supporting a family, and neither was my mother. She did, however, take care of me as a child, if you could call feeding a person regularly taking care. My father, he dropped around to our apartment... from time to time, and that was also just a formality. I mean, until I was seven, he did say "Hello" to me, called me a name I hated, but it was a pet name nonetheless; after that... he just stopped caring. Kept having affairs, would get involved with problematic people, ignored me and my mother. Mum, obviously, had slipped into depression. I, as an eleven year old, had to witness my own mother transition into a drunkard, and my father didn't care," I sighed.

"After I received my Hogwarts letter, however, I had to leave, and so... my father left as well. Because, well, why should you care for your dying wife? Your mistake of a kid will now be fed; she wont have to arrange food herself, and that's all a father's role is, isn't it?" I looked up to a face filled with sympathy and pain.

"After my second year, though, I knew that my mother's condition was worsening; she'd gotten into drugs, she seriously needed a rehab. I visited my dad a few times, asked him to get my mother treatment. He just called me by that nasty pet name, gave me a cookie, and sent me on my way. My mum's condition kept worsening and worsening and worsening, she even resorted to hitting me and stuff; I had to lock her in her room. I... just think about it. I had to lock my own mother in a room, and listen to her sobbing- a- and banging on the door, begging me to open the door. But I couldn't, because well, self-survival was a thing."

One day, I returned home from my muggle job, and I called out to my mother; check if she needed food, or- or if I could read her a story. I pulled out a card from... my bag, because it was her birthday. And I go inside, hoping to see my mother in a better... mood than usual; she hadn't been locked up in her room, so." I chuckled, as I tried to blink my tears away.

"And then, I go into her room, and you know what I see? My... my mother's bod-" I sucked in a breath. "She was laying... on the ground, and her eyes, they had no life in them, she- my mother had died. I got her admitted in the nearest muggle hospital, and, a few days later, in her postmortem report, it said that she died because of a... drug overdose. I, was obviously so confused, because I made it sure that I always threw all the- the drugs and alcohol out, I destroyed it. That... Was the reason she was able to live on her own in the first place, obviously. And all the abuse, mental, and... And physical... That wasn't because she was drunk. It was because I wasn't giving her the alcohol. She had so many attacks, and even a couple seizures, but a visit to the hospital, and she would always be able to survive. So when, after my fifth year, I see my mother dead, it was devastating. I wasn't able to find out who really gave her the drugs; I had to suffer jail time. Got out because my father bailed me out after the first three days."

And then, in her funeral, he didn't even make an appearance. I was alone, at her funeral. And then, one month later, a few days before school started, he makes an appearance, with his newest girlfriend," I sniffed.

"An he's like, 'Hey, kid,' and at that moment, I hated my father. I truly hated my father at that moment, because I knew that he had really stopped caring. He didn't even call me that nickname, didn't even call me... 'Demon Child', didn't taunt me for being magical like my mother. He didn't try to even show his loathing for me, and that's when I knew he really stopped caring. Because if you hate someone, you dislike someone, you care about them. But..." I swallowed the lump in my throat, not wanting to let the first sob out.

"Everyone, Gryffindor, every single one of the people who I cared about, they left. My mother, my father, Cynthia. And, I know it's not even been that long, but I like you, Gryffindor, a lot. More than I feel comfortable with, this is uncharted territory for me. And I just, I don't want you to go, or leave, because I don't know how much longer I can go around with this bitchy persona, because it hurts. It hurts to kn- know that I don't deserve getting cared about. And I-" I couldn't even say what I had to, I burst in tears. Lupin didn't waste even a fraction of a second to envelope me in a hug, allowing me to cry my sorrows away.

I had truly never felt more cared about, and safe, than I did in that moment.

•••••

Honestly, my life could have been a teen drama. Four months, four very hectic and possessed months later, after I officially became Remus Lupin's girlfriend, the Dark Lord and his goons found out about it.

And purely because of my knowledge and intellect on dark magic, the Death Eaters had sworn to forever follow me, and give me zero privacy. They often turned into ordinary civilians, I could just tell that they weren't ordinary people going about their ordinary routines; these people were Death Eaters.

So one day, while I was in the old Coffee shop, alone, after a long period of time, my irritatingly impulsive self confronted one such Death Eater in disguise, who just so happened to be one who could not-so-easily overpower me. Yep, you guessed it, none other than Bellatrix LeStrange.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked Bellatrix, who was in disguise of a frail woman with curly ginger hair and big blue eyes.

"Me?" she asked, sounding surprised, and very fake.

"Yes," I replied. "Bellatrix, yes, you," she looked surprised. I don't know what for, though, because her acting was pathetic, and the way her eyes had been trained on me throughout my visit to the cafe was hostile and creepy enough for any normal person to suspect danger.

"I don't know why you and your Death Eaters are stalking me, but I don't like it. So if you could please leave me alone, and let me live my life, it would be heavily appreciated."

The woman, however, only sneered at me, and before I could even snatch my wand out, I had been apparated away.

•••••

Being back at Malfoy Manor was certainly not a pleasant experience; the dungeons of the manor stunk badly, and the fact that there were now more prisoners in it wasn't exactly homely. On top of that, Voldemort seemed adamant on making me one of his Death Eaters.

And he had been successful.

Staying in the same rotten cellar, with its putrid stench and disgusting puddles for an entire twelve days, as far as I'd managed to count, was a tedious task on its own. But when I received torture sessions from Bellatrix LeStrange everyday, where my body would end up feeling sore until the next day, when I had to get tortured again, the twelve days felt to be as long as a century.

Whenever I asked the Death Eaters why they were doing this they would just chortle and leave. So one particular day- or it could have been night, as far as I was concerned - I said something that I would have never, ever said in such a situation, because in all honesty, I wasn't keen on dying. How, or why those words spewed from my mouth, I was unaware, but the damage had already been done, and the Dark Lord had taken offense personally. And so the situation had spiralled out of my control.

"Why doesn't your Dark Lord come here to greet me personally, huh? Why does he send his minions to deal with an innocent prisoner?"

Bella scowled. "It's because the Lord doesn't wish to spend time on half-breed filth such as you; he expects us to take care of people of your likes, and I would be damned if I don't."

"Ha," I laughed, a spiteful, emotionless laugh. "He doesn't want to spend time on half-breed filth like me? Well, tell him I'm not going to subject to his torture. He can hurt me all he wants; I will never become a Death Eater," I sneered at Bellatrix.

She spat at my face. I moved it out of the way. "Well, thank you then. The Dark Lord will be pleased to know that you have already surrendered," and she strutted off, before I could even think to question the meaning of her sadistic grin and the cackle she let out on her way.

••••

Why do I have to be so damn dumb?

I should have let them torture me, hurt me. But no, little miss bad bitch had to go ahead and question the Dark Lord's intentions. And now, I had messed up. Bad. Real bad.

Why? Oh, because this was the question the Dark Lord had posed when he'd come to check my cellar late that same night.

"If you do not wish to be a Death Eater, a devoted follower, then that is fine. But know, that I do have other methods... Forceful methods to get you to submit to me," the Dark Lord had said, in his ominous, whisper voice. "If you are confused as to why the Darkest Wizard of all time is so determined to have you under his wing, then, you may not be as clever and cunning as I expect of you," he'd snarled, his vicious eyes on me.

"I know why, I'm not...," I had sighed, because I had been dumb. "You want me to become a Death Eater because of your brother's soul that resides within me. Maybe... Because I'm into darker forms of magic as well," I had said, straining my voice.

"Hmm, you do, indeed, possess sense. I thought you didn't, for you had very easily given into Bellatrix, a trap... Of sorts... But then again, I expected you to. You may be cunning, but you do not know the full extent of my command and power on people... You couldn't possibly have expected to be aware of your ...relations, with the half breed."

That was when my head had jerked up, looking at the Lord with wide eyes; he didn't even glimpse in my direction.

"I do know, I know... Lord Voldemort knows all... If you do not submit to my will, then, unfortunately, I will have to... attend to the werewolf personally. I will make him feel homely, but yet I assume you wouldn't want me to keep your little lover as a guest..." he'd trailed off, finally stopping his pacing and looking at me, staring down, at my fearful eyes, panic-stricken face, and shaking body.

"You, you- you can't-"

"I can, foolish child, you know that as well... It would be best, then, if you bid your alliegance to me, to the cause... To the Greater Good... Or we can always pay the werewolf a visit..."

"I-" I had looked up at the Dark Lord's merciless slits-for-eyes, and then instantaneously looked down, closing my eyes, but shedding no tears.

"Fine..." I had barely managed to whisper, shaking my head. I had known this was selfish; I should have been fine with sacrificing the Gryffindor for a better world; I would have certainly sacrificed either, or both, of my parents if I had to. But even though I'd met the Gryffindor only about half a year ago, I suddenly realized that I cared about him more than I could've ever imagined. I didn't just love the Gryffindor anymore, no, I was in love with him. And that realization alone was so startling that I had missed hearing the Dark Lord give me instructions on how to dress and when to appear in the Malfoy living room for the ceremony.

For my Death Eater initiation.

•••••

I was currently situated in the centre of the Malfoy Manor's living room, dressed in my usual color, black. Though this time, I was dressed in clothing belonging to Bellatrix LeStrange. My left arm was stretched out, forearm bare, as the Dark Lord approached me, his wand in hand, ready to carve in the ugly stain that would forever bind my alliance with him.

"Hmm... My dear followers," the Dark Lord said, addressing all the Death Eaters that were surrounding us; most of them looking nervous and having a sense of nostalgia to them - not-so-pleasant nostalgia. A few others, and I mean really few others, such as Bella, were grinning. Charming.

"Today is the day... The day when I initiate a Death Eater who's only reason to become a Death Eater, is love, " The Dark Lord taunted and laughed, and his followers chuckled too. "Love for a werewolf, at that... But fear not! She will not betray us... Won't even think about it. Why, might you ask... Because she has the soul of Richard Riddle in her... The soul, of my deceased brother." Although the Dark Lord paused, his followers didn't laugh. "And she's aware that I just have to greet him to cause immeasurable pain to her... She's smart... But above that, she knows that her werewolf will be in danger if she betrays me... But then again, she may go behind my back without me noticing. Like I mentioned earlier, she has great levels of intellect... So, after the Death Eater initiation, I will bind her in an Unbreakable Vow."

What?!

"Don't look surprised... It was expected... Even if the scarcest bit," he said, words aimed towards me. "But first, you will be initiated. And to be initiated, you have to kill someone..." I wasn't aware of that.

"Bring her in!" the Dark Lord said in a higher voice, and soon the lump body of a girl was levitated inside the room. The girl, brunette and with blue eyes, looked painfully familiar, but due to all the panic and dread swirling around my gut, I just couldn't place it. It was the kind of feeling you got when there was a word, right on the tip of your tongue, but you still couldn't place it.

As the spells were removed from the female's body, she fell to the ground, her hands supporting her fall, hair messily framing her face. She could be clearly heard sobbing. I watched, scared, as I pondered on how I was going to kill the poor girl. Said girl looked up and around, and when her eyes fell on Voldemort, she started sobbing even louder, pleading to anyone and everyone.

Her cries and pleas were blatantly ignored, however, as the Dark Lord turned to me. He didn't need to say anything, I knew what I was supposed to do. And so, knowing that there was no way out, I raised my wand at the girl, who screamed when she saw me go through the motions. She shook her head, crawling over and grabbing me legs, howling, wailing, begging for me to spare her.

I knew that maybe, maybe I wouldn't have to murder anyone in the end, if the spell fell short. It obviously was a tricky spell, the Avada Kedavra, so I might be spared of murdering someone.

So I raised my wand, fully confident that it wouldn't work, and meeting the girl's eyes, muttered the spell. Except my fantasies didn't come true. Perhaps, it was because of the other, very powerful soul that inhabited my body, alongside my own soul, but it worked.

The spell worked.

The Avada Kedavra worked. I had just committed a murder.

And just as the gravity and guilt of that situation fell upon my shoulder, I realized something else as well.

Those striking blue eyes, they could belong to only one person. And that was Crystal Hollander. The face shape, the body, the eyes, everything was same except the hair. I had not just murdered someone, I had murdered Crystal Hollander's sister.

But I wasn't given time to hate myself, though. The Dark Lord let out a low chuckle, swished his wand, and the dead body disappeared. I looked up. "Killing someone for the first time can be traumatic; more so when you do it against your will. But we'll, it does not do well do dwell on the past. Bring out your arm." I did.

The Dark Lord wandlessly cast a spell, and the skin on my left forearm begun to burn, and not just tingling burn. My skin was getting scarred, and then it was being cut through, albeit in the shape of the Dark Mark. I bled, and finally, an inky black hue covered my scarred and bleeding skin, and when it cleared, only smooth skin and the Dark Mark was left behind. The pain hadn't stopped, though.

The Death Eaters all remained silent. The Dark Lord then held out his left arm, and looked up at me, right in the eyes. It felt like he was piercing through my soul, and considering who we were talking about, he probably could. At first, I just stared right back at him, confused as to what his want was. But then it clicked, and so I joined hands with him. He then ordered Rudolphus LeStrange to come forward and carry out the vow.

After the Dark Lord turned to Rudolphus and conveyed the vows to Rudolphus through his, what I could only assume, mind, using legilimency, Rudolphus nodded out of his daze and started speaking, whilst casting the spell.

"Do you forever vow your services, as well as allegiance, to the Dark Lord?" he asked.

Nervously, and after taking a breath, I replied, "Yes." A thin golden tendril of magic came out of his wand and wrapped around our joined hands.

"Do you vow to never break the Dark Lord's trust?"

"Yes." Another tendril came and wrapped it around us.

"And finally, do you vow to swear on your life, that you will always bear the Dark Mark, and to serve your Lord, die for him?"

I swallowed. "Y-yes."

The golden tendril burst into sparkles, and then someone spoke. It was the Dark Lord this time.

"Well, welcome... To the ranks of a Death Eater."

.....

3 more months had passed since that initiation, and I was miserable. I had constantly been asked to carry out Death Eater-esque tasks; taking part in attacks, killing and torturing people, the likes. I was also being trained. And I wasn't aware why I'd been surprised in the first place, because it was painfully obvious that such tasks were part of being a Death Eater.

My relationship with the Gryffindor, if you could still even call it that, was going as strong as ever. We still hung out all the time, read books together, and visited the quaint little Cafe.

It had been one month since I'd confronted Lupin about his furry little secret, and he had looked as scared as I could've possibly thought. I'd quickly calmed him down, though, but still he wouldn't listen. He'd apparated away. I'd followed. We had both ended up in different places; knowing Lupin's address, I'd apparated there later, and found said man messing his room up.

Sparing the details, one thing led to another, and we both had ended up taking each other's clothes off, and me telling the man that I loved him; my feelings were reciprocated. Thank Salazar I'd been using a cosmetic spell to cover up my Mark, or things would've gotten messy. Little did I know, they were soon about to.

Sooner than I was comfortable with.

.....

I was sat in the Gryffindor's bed, inside his apartment. Said Gryffindor was currently preparing tea in the kitchen, while I was engrossed in a book about lethal magical creatures.

I had arrived about an hour ago; Lupin had invited me yesterday, but I couldn't come due to a Death Eater attack that I'd been involved in. My injuries and bruises had all been covered up by cosmetic spells and my usual form of clothing: long sleeves. However, I hadn't covered my Mark, because there there was a gash going through it, and there was a bandage wrapped around it; I simply had been too lazy too use a cosmetic spell, even though parts of my Mark were still visible.

I was just about to reach the end of the Vampire chapter, when I heard a distant crack, and the opening of a door. My eyebrows furrowed as I closed my book without even marking the page; who would separate here, at this time? It was probably the Gryffindor's friends, Black and Potter and Pettigrew, but Lupin had said that he'd informed them he was busy today.

Ignoring all the questions in my mind, I swung my legs around the bed, and walked to the living room.

"Lupin, who is it?" Only I needn't ask, because the golden-blonde hair and the Boston dress was enough proof. Crystal Hollander.

I immediately grew nervous; even though she didn't know I killed her sister, I still had an uneasy knot in my stomach.

"Hollander? What ar-"

The girl whipped her head around, looking livid. Lupin peered at me from behind her.

"You!" she exclaimed, pointing one of her sharp nails at me, nostrils flaring. "You filthy Death Eater!"

I tried not to show my surprise, but still my eyes widened a bit, and my brows raised. It was often that people mistook me for a Death Eater, courtesy of my interests in Dark Magic and fashion sense, but I had never ever felt as queasy as I did at that moment.

"What?"

"What?"

Lupin and I asked at the same time.

"Don't 'what?' me!" Hollander exclaimed. "You know exactly what I'm talking about! You were there, present at the Death Eater attack yesterday!"

"I... Know that," I said. "I was present at the Death Eater attack yesterday. That's why there's all this," I pointed at my split lip and the light bruise on my cheekbone, "on my face."

Hollander let out a frustrated groan/scream at the same time. "Could you stop being so irritating and ju-" the girl's eyes fell on my left forearm. Oh no. "Show me your arm."

"What? Why?"

"Because that's where the Mark is, isn't it? Huh? That's why you're so-"

I let out a typical forced breath of mine, and rolling my eyes, said, "Look, Hollander. I understand that being the reason for my friend's very gruesome death, you're traumatised, and probably have PTSD-"

"What's PTSD?"

"-but that doesn't give you a right to harass me. I know that you want to reduce your guilt, even though I'm pretty sure you don't even have a guilt complex. But I won't have it. Get out," and with that and a sharp glare, I turned on my heel, all ready to walk away, when a voice stopped me.

"Stop..." I turned around at the Gryffindor's voice, looking at him incredulously. "Just show the arm to her... and me," he said, looking stern.

I opened my mouth, trying to say something, but nothing would come out. I probably looked like a fish.

Clenching my jaw, hard, I put a hand on the sleeve of my left arm, ready to lift it. I already was ready to take out my wand.

Closing my eyes, I pulled up my sleeve, and as soon as i was done, I whipped out my wand. It was the right time, too, as Hollander pointed her wand at me at the same time. However, before she could do anything, I Petrificus Totalus-ed her.

My head then swiveled towards Lupin, who was now staring at me with a blank expression. But even though his expression was blank, I knew he was broken inside. His eyes said it all.

"Remus, I can explain, plea-"

"Stupefy! " I took a step to the side, but instead, Lupin got hit.

"Remus!"

"Gryffindor!" hearing the other call of his name, I turned around, meeting the furious eyes of Black, Evans and Potter. Apparently, through all this drama, those three had also made it here. How, I didn't know, because I was sure Lupin had asked them not to. But that didn't matter. They were livid.

Before I could even breathe, they were shooting spells at me, and I was shooting spells at them.

I did the only thing I could possibly do. Which was also incredibly stupid. I pressed on my Mark, and called the other Death Eaters. I was so dumb.

After a long and complicated duel, I finally mustered the courage to cast a spell that I was never able to carry out before. "Prorsus Defixit!" it was just a stronger version of the petrifying spell.

Thankfully, maybe due to the adrenalin in my body, the spell worked, and all three Gryffindors fell to the floor, rigid.

I then turned to look at Lupin and Hollander, who were both also passed out. Well, that was great, but what was I to do about the Death Eater situation? I had acted foolishly, and in a panic, invited Death Eaters here; I guess my reflexes acted out - I had just grown used to calling other Death Eaters when I was in a tight situa-

Crack!

I was too late.

They were already here.

.....

I hoped the Gryffindors were doing well in the Malfoys' dungeons.

It was yesterday when the Death Eaters came and abducted them, and since then they'd been chained up in the cellars.

I hadn't been allowed to visit them, though. Not yet. The Dark Lord though it'd be better for me to be part of a few 'missions'. Why he thought so, I was unaware.

But one thing was clear. I had landed myself in deep shit.

I had been the reason for four people to be held prisoner, out of which three were Order members, one was out for revenge on me, and one was the man I loved.

Wonderful.

.....

Two days later, I was asked to visit my... those Gryffindors.

I was nerve wracked, and rightfully so, too. It wasn't everyday you got to visit your captive boyfriend.

As I made my way through the ominous hallways and staircases of the Malfoy Manor, I thought. The Dark Lord had said that he wanted me to be part of his ranks due to my cunning and cleverness, and knowledge; he'd said a contributing factor was the fact that I was possessed by the soul of his deceased brother. But that was the thing though, he hadn't really even conversed with his brother after I was turned a Death Eater, only a couple times at most. Even then, the pain hadn't lasted that long. And about the intelligence part, he hadn't really tested my wit, or cunning.

It was all so strange. It felt so... normal, now. It always had, even though it never should've. I was literally demonically possessed, but that issue felt so insignificant amidst all my other issues. For example, the fact that the person I'd become a Death Eater for was now hostage, that too because of me. And then, what Dumbledore said. Richard Riddle's soul would never really leave my body; not until the Dark Lord had really died. As in, even his soul was no more. But Dumbledore had said that that wouldn't be possible; not until all parts of his soul were destroyed. Not until the horcruxes were destroyed. And that was near to impossible.

I had asked Dumbledore why the soul just took home in me, why it didn't really possess me, as in control me. He'd said it was because Richard's soul was too weak. He just had one horcrux.

I didn't even realize when I reached the dungeon. I had almost barged into Magnus Fawley; thankfully, I caught myself.

He smirked at me.

I glared at him.

We went our separate ways - me into the cellar, him out of the dungeons.

As I walked in, I noticed that the people chained were all huddled close together. It wasn't really a very important detail, just a mere observation.

My footsteps indicated the prisoners of my arrival, and they looked up. Black, Potter and Hollander glared. Evans seemed as though she was trying to glare, but she couldn't because she was weak. And lupin - oh, his reaction broke my heart - he didn't even have a reaction; he was blank, not meeting my eyes.

I met all of their eyes, and masking my hurt, sat opposite them.

Hollander was already at it.

"You! You Death Eater scum! You're the reason we're all here! What did you lot do to my sist-?"

I groaned. "Hollander," I looked her dead in the eye. "Shut. Up. "

"You can't ask me to shut up! What did you do with my sister, huh? I always knew you were shady, reading those nasty books! You killed her, did you? I'm sure you did! Had fun doing it too, I reckon," she spat at me, her eyes seeing red, nose breathing fire. "And then- then you betray Remus! You loved him, didn't you? Bet it was all a plot, a, a grand scheme! " Her nostrils flared.

Before the Blondie could start again, I Silencio-ed her. She looked comedic.

"Why'd you do that, huh? Death Eater? "

That hurt.

I then mustered up all the self control and braveness I had, and spoke up. "Black, what do you take me for-?"

"-A death Eater, perhaps?"

"-,I'm not just going to sit here and let her blame me for something I very clearly did," I rolled my eyes. Lupin looked up, but looked down again almost instantaneously.

"So... You did kill Hollander's sister?"

"No, I didnt-"

"Oh, don't be modest. You did," Rabastan drawled, smirking, as he strolled in. I snapped my head at him, glaring venomously. Hollander's jaw dropped.

"She looked disgusted with herself; should be, too. Considering the Dark Lord had her in his ranks just because his dea-"

"If you don't shut up now, LeStarnge, I will castrate you."

"Oh, does little miss halfblood even know the spell for that?"

"You wanna see? Don't try me." I raised my brow at him, as his smirk faltered. He then drawled out monotonously, "The Dark Lord needs you to take care of our guests."

"I already am."

"You need to torture them," my jaw clenched. "Bellatrix will help you," and with a devious smirk, he sauntered out.

Although i didn't wish to, I really didn't, I knew the Dark Lord would do it himself and make me watch if I didn't do it. So standing up, I walked to the prisoners, standing in front of them.

"You really are-"

"Filthy? Scum? A git? A prat? A backstabbing cockroach? Thanks so much," I said uninterestedly to Black. "now, who would like to go first?"

"Look, you can't torture Lily."

"And why is it so, Potter?" I looked down at him.

"She... She's pregnant."

My eyes widened and brows raised. "You both thought it would be a good idea to bring a new life to this world during such times? You had sex with your wife in the midst of a war, and got her pregnant? How did you even have time for that?" I looked at him incredulously. He was turning scarlet, while his wife was too tired to even notice.

"You should always use protection." and with that, I pointed my wand at Evans, casting a spell. It wasn't Crucio, though, even I wasn't that heartless. It was imperio, and I forced the woman to writhe and thrash and scream, looking expressionless, all while the others, even Lupin, shouted and cursed at me. Soon, I was done with her and moved onto Black.

Him, though, I used cruciatus. I couldn't afford being caught.

I was done with him after a good ten minutes, and then as I moved to Lupin, Bellatrix entered, cackling.

She immediately went for Evans; she was the mudblood.

"I'm done with the mud blood, you attend to Hollander and Potter."

She went to Hollander first, and tortured her. Tortured her so badly, it was difficult to even look at. Even worse, she'd been cackling through it all. As I moved to Potter, I asked her to stop. She didn't. I asked again.

"Stop it, Bellatrix, that's enough." no response.

"Stop it, Bella." Nope.

"Bellatrix, please, you're going to hurt her more than necessary," My pleas rang out between all the Gryffindors'.

"Enough, Bellatrix!" I exclaimed. I just knew that Richard had taken over; that was clear by the looks everyone was giving me. "Thats... Enough. Just, go out, please."

And she did. Without a question.

.....

It had been after 4 days of the Gryffindprs as our prisoners, when there was a break in at the Manor, obviously by the Order.

I rushed to the dungeons; however on the final stair, collided with the Gryffindors. Immediately casting a shield spell around myself, I took a step back.

I then removed the spell.

"You can go," they looked suspicious, so I dropped my wand. "I... Go. Just be careful, Potter. Prophecies... " I decided not to tell them too much, as even I wasn't fully sure of what was happening.

"Be careful." and with that, I stepped back, making way for them.

As the group walked past me, wands aimed, still suspicious, I called after them. Also, could you, maybe... Make me pass out?"

.....

It had been fifteen years. Fifteen years since I let those Gryffindors elope, most of whom had dreadful fates. Fifteen years since I'd seen Lupin.

You see, maybe it was just destiny being cruel, but up until Voldemort's (yes, I call him that now, I'm brave) downfall, me and Lupin had never crossed paths. After the Potters' deaths, I'd left the country, becoming a wanderer. I changed my name and past each time; sometimes I was a hippie, sometimes a businesswoman, sometimes a struggling artist.

But now, as I set foot inside Grimmauld Place, my nerves wracked again. I would see Lupin, and maybe he wouldn't even remember me.

But I, however, was still nervous. I was about to meet the boy who lived. I was about to meet Black. I was about to meet all those Order members I said I didn't trust. And I was going to be helping them.

The papers in my hands were quite important.

I knocked on the door. A chubby woman opened the door; that was probably Molly Weasley.

Her face fell. "You're here... The meeting got over-"

"I'm aware. I was... A bit busy," I held up the papers. "Could you please...?" I motioned inside, and Molly moved aside. I walked in, following the path I knew led to the dining room.

"Dear, they're having-"

"Dinner? That won't be a problem." I smiled at Molly as I turned the knob of the dining room's door, and all eyes turned to me. Among them was a pair of light greenish-blue eyes that I'd craved to see, bit I couldn't meet.

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, isn't this a pretty sight." I smiled a sickeningly sweet smile and entered, everyone still gazing at me. Black was clutching his fork so hard his knuckles were going white, while. molly still looked troubled.

"Greetings," I scanned the crowd, "Gryffindors." my eyebrows jumped. I dropped the papers right in front of Black.

"Here is your information. You're welcome. I now must leave, because I have work to att-"

"Who are you?"

"-end. You should never interrupt," I said, looking pointedly at Potter Jr. "Even if you are the boy who lived."

"I-" Potter was cut off by Black.

"He asked something, why don't you answer him?" Ugh. And they say Slytherins are evil.

I thought a bit. Then, "I'm the reason you even got the chance to be born." The Potter boy looked confused, but before he could ask, someone spoke up. Go to hell, Black.

"How so?"

"Could you not interrupt in between? That's what I just told the boy, but then again, you are excruciatingly dumb."

"I'm not dumb. I just pointed something out. And you're one to say; Miss-I'm-So-Edgy."

"Oh well, Mister-I'm-an-adult-but-still-a-child, you could maybe not have interrupted in between of a conversation?"

"You're so difficult."

"You're dense, and a literal man-child."

"You're evil, and nutty."

"You're annoying, and a pathetic drama queen. I'm a hundred percent sure that when you met your Godson, who thought you were a murderer, and confronted that rat, you said something along the lines of," I cleared my throat, " 'Only one shall die tonight.' and then went off behaving immature."

Judging by the look on his face, I was right.

I smirked, and then, to Potter, said, "Potter Jr., there was once a time when your parents, along with a few dear friends were locked up in the dungeons of the Malfoy Manor, and I was tasked with taking care-torturing them, if you will," I raised an eyebrow, "And your father had been dumb enough to have se-"

"Stop-"

"-Could you please not interrupt me, Black?" I said, frustrated.

"Well, you were about to-"

"-Tell the boy that his parents had sex? Well, Black, he has to be really thick to not know about that-"

"-He's just 15-!"

"-just 15?" I scoffed. "You had bedded half the Hogwarts population by the age of fifteen, Black, and then some." That made him shut up. I smirked again. He narrowed his eyes.

"so, mini Potter, your mum was dumb enough to have sex and get pregnant amidst a war, and she was pregnant in the Malfoy dungeons. And do you know what? If I'd tortured your mum, you would have lost your life in her womb. There would be no 'The Boy Who Lived', and Voldemort would've reigned. But I didn't. Because there were prophecies involved, and spirits, too."

I knew that was way too vague and cryptic, but that was all I said.

And as I turned and left the room to apparate away I could faintly hear the conversations inside.

"Who was she?"

Lupin sighed. "My ex-girlfriend."

I smiled, and then was engulfed in smoke as I apparated away.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #410

“oh baby, baby, does she take a piece of lime for the drink that i’ma buy her, do you know just what she likes?

Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree? Ye. Have you ever written/drawn/painted random stuff on your bedroom wall? No. What do you currently hear? A slowed w/ reverb version of "If U Seek Amy" by Britney Spears. Yes, I have a serious thing for these edits of childhood songs, ha ha. Actually, no shame, I still love Britney lmao. What's your favorite flavor of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do you like bagels? Yep. Do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids? I ain't having any of those, so I don't have to worry about that. Have you ever seen a hippo in person? At a zoo, yes. Are you any good at HTML? Noooo. When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Recently, because I'm awful about downloading things illegally. What was the last thing you downloaded on your computer? A picture. Do you ever cry just to get your way? Hi, I'm 25. I at least have SOME adult traits. Have you ever been to any professional sports games? Yes. What's the most boring sport to watch? The only sport I enjoy watching is dance, so. I think golf has to take the cake for the absolute worst, though. Do you like lip rings on the opposite sex? UGH I just love lip rings on anybody. Do you have good or bad vision? Literally awful. Have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren't supposed to? Hell no. That is so fucking inconsiderate and lazy. Have you ever been to a different country? No. When was the last time you finger-painted? Nooo idea. Probably not since I was a little kid. Do you say car-mel or car-A-mel? "Care-uh-mel." When you get out of the shower, do you use one or two towels? One. Are you uncomfortable with changing clothes in front of others? Absolutely yes. Hell, I don't think I ever really changed in front of Jason back in the day, so that says something about how self-conscious I was with a FIT body. Never mind this catastrophe I own now. Which is worse: Runny nose or stuffy nose? Both suck, but stuffy drives me absolutely INSANE. Who's been the most influential person in your life? My mom. Do you have any tan lines? Ha, yeah, no. How many different schools have you gone to? Six. Do you know how to slow dance? I mean, yes? It's not complicated. Have you ever taken The Impossible Quiz? (If not, you should Google it. :D) No, and I'll never waste my time doing that shit. I've watched people play and beat it, but it seems like such frustrating, pointless madness with zero rhyme or reason behind it. Has someone that you liked told you that you are a waste of their time? No. Who is the last person you were in a car with? Mom. In the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to most? Ummmm Christmas, maybe? That's always exciting. Is there anyone who hates you? Probably. Who were you with the last time you went out for food? Mom. If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care? Eh... I guess if it was for medicinal purposes, I would be okay with it. I'm not keen on dating a smoker of anything. Do you want to start over with anyone? Just Jason, at least sometimes. It'd be really, really nice if we could be friends again and just forget about who we were all those years ago, but I genuinely doubt my ability to be "just friends" with him. Even though I haven't spoken to this dude in over FOUR YEARS, and I'm sure he's changed a lot, just like I have. We might not even be compatible anymore. As much as I may want it, I think it's probably for the better we remain unassociated. Do you eat the crust of your sandwiches? It's what I eat first. Are you completely over your last relationship? Not "completely," no. I still love her, but I'm in a headspace of accepting that now is not the right time with unfit conditions. What hoodie did you wear last? My Pikachu one, which is the one I pretty much always wear. Do you listen to Incubus? Probably surprisingly, no. I don't know if I've even heard a song. Do you wear flip-flops during the winter? More like always. Do you like the smell of Axe? If you don't use an obnoxious amount, yeah. What do you think of feminists? Absolutely necessary as pilots for change. HOWEVER, I do believe some can take the concept waaaay too far. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? Dad, probably. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Oh my god, GUYS. It was my niece's birthday last month, and she did the CUTEST shit. She used to be very, very opposed to getting even slightly dirty (I mean like a speck of dirt on her would make her cry), and this kid decided to just C H O M P into her cupcake and get the frosting ALL over her face. She had two and got so messy, and that angel was just laughing hysterically about it. That girl is such a damn gift. Safe to say she was bouncing off the walls that night. Did you hug one of your parents today? No. Do you tan in the nude? I don't tan, period. Have you ever put a lot of thought and effort into a gift for somebody, only for them to act like it didn’t really matter to them? Oh god, no. That would really, really hurt, because I genuinely do try to be very thoughtful with my gifts. Do you follow the ‘five second rule’ when you drop food on the ground? NOOOOOOO. It's just a bullshit myth. I am NOT eating food that's been on the floor for a millisecond. If you had to describe yourself using a colour, which colour would you be? Maybe like... navy blue? Kinda dark and somber, but also has a calmness to it. Have you ever had to use another person’s toothbrush before? What were the circumstances? I WOULD FUCKING NEVER. Omg that is so gross. Have you ever crashed a car? No. Do you have a garden? Does it have flowers, vegetables, or both? No. Where do you want to raise your kids? I don't want kids, but if I did, absolutely surrounded by nature and animals. Have you ever been to Cracker Barrel? Yeah, I love it there. Damn, now I want some, lol. Have you ever seen a ghost? I sure as fuck saw something. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, who will you first tell? Who says I'm ever going to BE pregnant? 'Cuz it sure isn't in my plans. But hypothetically, the dad. Have you ever won a game of Minesweeper? Like ever? I've never played it. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt. I really should chat with him soon, it's been too long. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? I'd keep it. Make me look more badass. ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ What is your hair naturally like? Brown and kinda-sorta wavy. Have you ever stared at a stranger and they said something to you about it? No; I don't stare at people. Is your father very protective of you? I wouldn't say "very protective," no. What would you do if your hero died? ffffffUCK THIS QUESTION HOW ABOUT NO HE'S NOT ALLOWED THAT'S VERY ILLEGAL Where was your first date at with your current lover? I don't have one currently. Are you friendly in the morning, or are you barely awake? Depends on how much sleep I got, but I'm generally in my best mood in the morning. Did your parents force you to go to church? Mom did. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It was the next book in the series I'm reading, Wings of Fire. When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? Hm. I dunno. Hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? Is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? I mean it would really depend on WHY I was breaking up with them, but I guess in most situations I'd try to meet them face-to-face and explain why I wanted to cut things off. I think it'd be important for them to hear my tone of voice, and I think physically meeting somewhere would show that I care enough for them to cut time out of my day to see them and try to hurt them as least as possible, given the situation. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? DO NOT in even a minor way ridicule mental illness or belittle victims as "weak" or pull the "it's just in their head" bullshit. The misuse of the term "retard(ed)" also genuinely offends me. I wouldn't say I'm easy to offend, either. What was the last chore you completed? Changing my cat's litter. When was the last time someone saw you naked? It's been a loooong time, and it would've only been my mom when I was like, going into a shower or something. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? Probably Steve Irwin. I'd go on and on about how his family has carried his legacy so brilliantly, and show him aaaaaall the public pictures of Bindi and Grace, especially. God, that man would be so proud of them all. What is the greatest lost you’ve endured? My first "real" boyfriend. How would you describe your current mood? A mix of tired and anxious. I don't feel like going to bed yet, and the storm we've got passing through has me nervous about tornadoes 'n shit. Do you ever drink or get high alone? I've had some light drinks alone. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? I've never done any illicit drugs, and I don't want to. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? Probably that I've had a pilonidal cyst. It's awkward to explain, but I'll share it anyway if there's a good reason to/I'm asked or something. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? Her just being the most toxic, drama-filled person with the biggest victim complex of any human I've ever met. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? Mom, and my voice was raised. Where do you like to be kissed? This depends on how serious we are. Can go from just the cheek to a lot of places. Which season is your least favorite and why? Summer, because it's too goddamn hot and humid. Who, if anyone, do you compare yourself to most? Probably my little sister. She's on such a successful path, and then there's like... me lmao. Do you have a night-light in your bedroom? If so, what does it look like? No. What is your favorite breakfast food? How often do you get to eat it? Cinnamon rollssssss. I have 'em very rarely, though. I'll eat too many of them, which I definitely don't need. What is your favorite thing about autumn? What about your least favorite thing? AHHHHHH EVERYTHING. I love Halloween and the decorations that come with it, the changing leaves, the crisp air... just all of it. :') Who was the last person you asked for help? Mom, I'm sure.

[seductresses-temple]

Fuck

So, this is actually a little something I cooked up for my best friend @50shades-of-truth it’s my first time writing ANY content for this paring and it’s un-betaed and probably sucks SO bad but I love him so much and my bb deserves nice (adjacent) things! Soooo without further adieu

Lessons From Mother

Pairing: Blaise Zabini and Neville Longbottom

Rating: Teen

Warnings: None

__________________

Growing up, his mother Selina was all Blaise had ever had. His father -whom his mother never spoke about- had died when he was young. Blaise remembered very little about him. He remembered the smell of sandalwood, a rich, deep laugh that filled up a room, and being held, but as time went on - as it is wont to do- those memories faded into a vague, fuzzy thing. The one thing Blaise did know about his father, with an absolute certainty, was that his death absolutely gutted his mother.

Boyfriends came and went.

Husbands came and went.

Every single man paled in comparison to the bittersweet memories of a long gone ghost.

Blaise adored his mother, he admired her strength and tenacity, sought to emulate her grace and beauty, and he lived his life by the lessons she’d instilled in him. She’d taught him manners, maths, how to dress with style, banking, she had a rule for everything, especially love, especially how to avoid love and Blaise had been doing a damn good job of it for seventeen years...until Neville.

Rule Number One: Don’t let them talk you into anything

It had all started with fucking Slughorn.

Classes at Hogwarts had resumed session over a year after the war and Blaise’s mother had - in no uncertain terms - made it quite clear that he was to continue his education if given the opportunity.

Of course McGonagall just had to give him an opportunity.

Two weeks before term was to begin, his letter came during Sunday breakfast and his mother had fixed him with a happy, expectant stare. They’d gone shopping in Diagon Alley the same day.

Summer passed by all too quickly after that and before Blaise knew it, he was sitting in Slughorn’s potion’s class, getting paired with Neville fucking Longbottom on a three month long potions assignment. All in the name of Interhouse Unity or whatever nonsensical prattle the faculty seemed content to spew about.

As if being back at Hogwarts wasn’t enough of a chore, being paired with the absolute worst potion’s partner on the face of the planet was just salt in the wound, wasn’t it? The only silver lining Blaise could find in the situation was that Draco had gotten paired with Potter and had turned nearly as read as Weasley’s hair.

“You will need to meet with your partner at least twice a week outside of class to conduct research, all of which will be recorded in these journals,” Slughorn waved a small, black, leather bound journal in the air before flicking his wand and sending a pile of them floating through the room.

“You will each share a journal to make the process as collaborative as possible and they will be collected the same day as your potion. Now, everyone switch seats so that you are sitting with your partner, you’ll have the rest of class to have a friendly debate over which potion you’ll be crafting for this assignment.” Slughorn clapped his hands and shuffled behind his desk, seeming all too pleased with himself.

Blaise refused to move from his seat. It wasn’t like he wanted to be there in the first place. To his credit, Blaise’s stubbornness seemed to have no effect on Longbottom whatsoever.

“I had an idea already,” Longbottom plopped down in the seat beside him, journal clutched in his fist.

“You let me do all the work and we actually pass?” Blaise raised an eyebrow at him. It was the only idea that had any merit, after all, Longbottom was rubbish at potions and Blaise Zabini had never failed a class in his life. He certainly didn’t plan on starting just because he’d been paired with an accident waiting to happen.

“Ha,” Longbottom rolled his eyes before leaning in conspiratorially, a wide, mischievous grin splitting his face and making his eyes absolutely sparkle.

“I’ve got something big I’m working on. It’s a risk, but that’s what you lot are all about, yeah? Ambition, cunning, pride. Think you’re in for the ride, Zabini?”

If Blaise had been a smart man, he would have known it was the beginning of the end in that moment. He would have ran away and never looked back. Better to run away than be a fool in love. But having never fallen before Blaise was too blind to know…

Rule Number Two: Don’t fall for their doe-eyed stares

Neville Longbottom, against all odds, was actually quite brilliant. His grand master plan -if they could pull it off- would be even more powerful than dittany. It would effectively have the power to heal wounds left behind by Dark Magic and Magical Creatures alike. Even old scars.

“I’m making it for Bill,” Longbottom told him one day while they were working out on the front lawn, the journal sitting between them as they got settled on top of a large blanket in tacky Gryffindor colors.

“And Bill is?” Blaise asked, twirling a bit of dittany between his fingers, having no issues whatsoever showcasing his boredom.

It seemed to have no ill effect on Longbottom, however, who propelled himself into explaining far more of the Weasley family tree than Blaise could ever bring himself to care about. He didn’t care, not in the slightest, but something about the way Longbottom looked as he spoke made Blaise pause. Made him listen. Made him stare deeply into Longbottom’s eyes, which were impossibly brown with small flecks of hazel and hang onto his every word. There was a fire in his eyes as he talked about healing, his eyes warm and bright, his voice strong and sure, and his face just a little bit flushed, lips moving a mile a minute.

Blaise certainly didn’t think about what those lips would feel like against his own.

That would be preposterous.

Rule Number Three: Don’t become smitten with their little habits.

Neville Longbottom was something of an artist and apparently brilliant at charms.

It was a small fact Blaise had learned by happenstance. The first time the two of them had sat down in the library to research the potion they were creating, Blaise had been reading aloud from some of their research material while Longbottom scribbled notes in the journal. It wasn’t until later that night, when Blaise was leafing through the journal before bed -out of sheer boredom, mind- that he spotted the most gorgeous picture of an English Rose in the margins. It was charmed to bloom, over and over, and looked so fantastically detailed, Blaise would have sworn he could nearly smell it.

They passed the journal off periodically and every time Blaise received it back there was always some new little drawing that caught his eye. Without thought, Blaise took to scribbling the name under each new addition. It got to the point where Longbottom would start drawing less common plants, testing Blaise’s knowledge, and it had turned into a game of sorts.

Their little plant trivia was how Blaise found out that Neville fucking Longbottom was a bit of a bastard underneath that shy, unassuming disposition. Blaise also found out he didn’t care to lose their little game. Every time Blaise couldn’t identify a picture before their next hand off, Longbottom was nothing but smug grins and little jabs.

“I thought part of being cunning was being resourceful, Zabini?” Or something like, “well, I see why you weren’t sorted into Ravenclaw.” Or a little shove and a “you’re allowed to use a book, you know?” All of which just made Blaise scowl and grumble and try all the harder to the point that Longbottom started leaving little words of encouragement under each drawing.

Blaise found a “you’ve got this” under a doodle of a ‘shy plant’ and there was a rush of vindication when he was able to scribble mimosa pudica underneath. He got a very enthusiastic “show me what you’ve got!” under an incredibly graphic drawing of Hydnellum peckii and he wrote a disgruntled “you’re gross” underneath his answer.

What really put the final nail in Blaise’s coffin was reading the words “I believe in you,” under a drawing of a tulip, its petals charmed to turn yellow ever so slowly.

Blaise didn’t write an answer.

Rule Number Four: Don’t give them the power to make you jealous

Jealousy was an ugly, foul little thing. After the incident with the tulips, Blaise couldn’t bring himself to speak to Longbottom afterward. Every time he tried those damnable yellow twinged tulips flashed in his mind and he heard his mother’s voice in the back of his head. “Be careful with your heart, my darling boy.”

So Blaise was careful, which meant working on their potion -two nights a week- in a terse silence while silently counting down the minutes until he didn’t have to be in such close proximity to Longbottom because it was all becoming too maddening. What was a boy to do when the object of his affection was so close? Their breath mingling together, faces mere inches apart as both of them hovered intently over their potion. They watched the surface suspiciously, anticipation coiled tightly in their chest, and Blaise did everything in his power not to lean over and steal a kiss.

So lost in his own little word of trying to fight his stupid, selfish impulses, Blaise almost didn’t hear Longbottom who was mumbling something at his side. Alright, so he didn’t hear him at all.

“Hm?” Blaise hoped he sounded distracted instead of incredibly flustered. The heat of the potion and the fire in his belly didn’t seem to be agreeing with one another and it was all a bit too much.

“I was wondering if you could watch the potion this evening, just this once. I sort of, well I,” Longbottom cleared his throat, a hand coming up to rub the back of his neck as he sat back in his chair, away from Blaise.

“I sort of have a date, I suppose,” he said at last and something vicious ripped through Blaise.

“A date,” Blaise had to pull the word from his throat. His voice must have sounded odd or strained or too much of something because it made Longbottom wince just to look at him.

“You’re right,” Longbottom gulped.

“I shouldn’t go, we’re supposed to be, well, partners. I can’t just l-leave you to go it alone,” with a nod, Longbottom pulled their journal into his lap and scribbled something down, staring at the table, the potion, anywhere but at Blaise really.

Fuck.

Blaise understood now, why they called Jealousy a ‘little green monster’ because his was currently stomping around his heart, throwing things, and having the world’s most Apocalyptic meltdown.

“Go on your date, Longbottom, for pity’s sake. Have fun,” Blaise waved a dismissive hand, building a wall around his heart brick-by-brick because it was the only thing saving the useless thing from crumbling to pieces.

Rule Number Five: Love with your whole heart or don’t love at all

It was, Blaise liked to think, quite hard to get under his skin. That’s what he thought, anyway, until the day Neville walked into the library, eyes puffy and raw, the tip of his little nose just a little bit red, and the tracks of his tears down his cheeks as visible as the sun in a clear blue sky. Blaise felt instantaneously livid, his emotions flaring hot and intense like a bonfire.

“What’s wrong?” he snapped his book shut and put all of his attention on the boy in front of him, silently wondering how long of a prison sentence he’d get for killing whoever dared to make Neville cry. He was sure to get some leniency, if any member of the Wizengamot took one look at Neville, spoke with him just once, and saw how good and pure and sweet he was.

“It’s nothing,” Neville pulled out their journal, his trembling hands causing it to drop onto the table which caused two things to happen.

The first was that the page just so happen to open on the page where Neville’s tulip was slowly filling with yellow. The second was that a spare bit of parchment came tumbling out of it, falling -ironically- into Blaise’s lap. Without meaning to, Blaise couldn’t help but catch it and he couldn’t help it if a few of the words seemed to jump off the page. The words someone else and break up may as well have been written in red ink.

“He’s an idiot,” Blaise muttered, handing Neville the parchment back, trying to pretend as though he didn’t feel his magic jump beneath his skin as their fingers brushed together.

“He isn’t the only one,” Neville fixed him with a pointed stare and Blaise could only sit and stare back at him.

The boy has a point, some logical part of him whispered but he didn’t have time to dwell on it. Their potion was so close to being done and Neville seemed content to through his heartbreak on the backburner in favor of getting down to work.

It was astounding to see him in his element. Blaise couldn’t help but steal glances out the corner of his eye, watching Neville hunched over the potion with a book in his lap, brow furrowed in concentration, and his bottom lip held loosely between his teeth. A strand of his hair fell over his eyes and Blaise’s heart fluttered so hard he thought the damned thing would fly away.

Tucking away every lesson his mother had ever taught him, Blaise reached over for the journal, scribbling down what he should have written over a month ago.

Yellow tulip- Hopeless love- Neville, will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?

The smile that spread across Neville’s face as Blaise caught him reading the note over his shoulder nearly stopped his heart.

Fuck.

There was no denying it.

Love seemed to give no fucks about the rules.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[katie-----luv]

ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THORAYA MARONESY

Can you describe someone you love?

He’s tall. He’s so dumb sometimes. Very very handsome. He makes my heart beat so hard that i feel like i’ll throw up if i stay around him. Even if I'm just thinking about him or have something of his, i feel absolutely crazy about him. I can't tell anyone who it is, but i want the whole freaking world to know how much i love this person because of how amazing he is. He wears his heart on his sleeve and gives up so much to make others comfortable and happy. He matches his clothes well haha and when he smiles, he makes me wanna stare forever. I could literally look at him all day. He asks me things that no one else cares about and he makes me feel so welcome. Even though I literally cannot be with him for so many reasons, he will always be the one that i will love more than anyone in the entire universe and i hate it but it is reassuring that I can love someone so much. He’ll never leave too. And the best thing about him is he gives the most amazing hugs. Long, amazing hugs. Middle of the night or 4 am, he always wants a hug from me. And no matter why or what happened, i will always want a hug from him. Because he just makes me feel everything. I love him so much that even if it's indescribable, i still try because it's worth it for him. Even if these words barely light the candles on the cake. 

What's the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

I think my sister. We’re sisters, ya know, we hate each other one second, but the next, she is as amazing as she was before. I think she is the most beautiful because of how she deals with life. She always questions, she gets deep. She isn’t simple-minded at all, very talented in art. She is the smartest person I've ever known personally. And I love how free she is. In a sense where she doesn't want to be like everyone else. She deals with her own crap like everyone else but at the end of the day, she is still getting back up and laughing. And she is so weird too haha. She likes things like care bears and wants to move to a billion different places and do a billion different careers and marry an Australian man. Her goals and personality just crack me up.

Can you define love?

Love doesn't really have a definition in my opinion. If you really love someone, you’re left speechless, you don't have the words to define what you feel because of how overpowering it is.

Can you define hate?

Hate is a major pain that is..like it feels like someone put a blanket on your heart and took swings at it until whatever or whoever you hate walked away. It's a pain that makes you feel more angry at one thing than anything else i guess.

What's your biggest regret?

I have plenty but I guess the one that sums them all up would be ever lying. Lying is what gave me more regrets. If not lying then maybe falling in love. No one really thinks i have ever been in love but i was in love with someone and they were in love with a made up version of me pretty much. I miss them everyday and i lost them bc i lied. So yeah, goes with lying but i hate that i ever fell in love with them whether it was real them or just a lie too.

Kindest act?

When i was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had a bunch of money saved up, close to $200 from birthday money and other holiday money. I spent some. I didn't know what to do with the rest, so I gave it to my school counselor to give to the leukemia charity that they were funding for the month. When they announced on the announcement that i was the biggest donator, they got my name wrong and called me Kayle instead, but I didn't care because I knew I did something good. It was $97.

Wildest dream?

I’ve had some crazy ones so it's hard to choose or remember all of one.

Biggest fear?

I used to think it was being murdered or kidnapped or maybe even spiders. Now i know that it's of being hurt. I've been hurt by lots of people before and ive cried so many times alone but didn't wanna tell anyone and pushed it down. It ended up making me do some things that i shouldn't have because I didn't wanna think about being hurt and i feel like if i have to keep pushing things down, ill continue to be afraid to speak out and be sad for a long time again.

Best and worst quality?

That's kinda hard because i have a lot of both. I guess I'll just pick at random though because i can't chose. I have a quality that can be good and bad at the same time. It's that I'm forgiving, i don't know when to give up on people. It's good because I can give people chances which makes a good friendship bc i dont just drop them. But it's bad because sometimes i give the wrong people too many chances and get hurt over and over. But when i try to figure out when to let go and give up, i do it at the wrong time and make more issues. So it's complicated.

When have you felt the most alive?

If I'm choosing a whole time period, up until 4rd grade. A moment in the times I remember, when I dropped someone holding me back. I say up until 4rd grade because all times before then, I didn't care what people thought. I was never hurt like i have been since. I was a happy kid who played with littlest pet shop and had a billion besties. And i say when i dropped someone holding me back i mean that i was hung up on someone I thought loved me unconditionally and I loved them so much. He ended up not caring about me anymore which was understandable. But later on when I finally told him to go away because all he did was make me hurt, I stopped talking to him, and I was so so so SO free.

What's the best advice you’ve been given? 

You have to love people for who they are. My mom told me this. I don't like judging people or making people hurt or uncomfortable. But sometimes people have qualities that I just can't stand but they are some of my closest friends. So when my mom told me this, I felt like if i can't love them past these qualities, maybe i need to realize whether or not i love them really, because I can't change them to fit my needs or wants.

What's been your biggest obstacle?

Trying to get passed drama whether it was created by me for myself or drama with everyone. I made mistakes, I'm human, but it's been tough trying to learn from them. Now, I'm starting to see where I went wrong and moving past it to grow. 

Most embarrassing story?

I have a lot and I physically can't make myself type any bc they're so bad.

Your perfect life partner?

Someone who doesn't care when I'm being a bum. Someone who loves me and respects me. I'm not big on too much PDA. every once in a while, i'll kiss or hold someone's hand but usually, i feel embarrassed for whatever reason. So id like them to remember that and ask or hint first. I dunno.

What does beauty mean to you? 

Beauty means personality and looks to me. It doesn't mean hot or pretty. To me, beauty is how you describe someone that's indescribable.

Favorite memory?

Well i have a lot of memories that make me smile so much. But the one that I can think of off the top of my head is probably when I went up to Ohio where my cousins live around x-mas. The year before, my little cousin Silas passed away on New Years eve. We all went to this thing where they sang xmas music, had santa, and lit up some building. Me and all my cousins had our arms around each other and we were all singing together. It felt good that even though only a year before, we lost someone so young, we could all still smile and stay strong, together.

A moment that moved you?

I was at bob evans once with my mom and sister and a random old man paid for our meal and came to us saying he just wanted too. I never forgot that old man and that happened back when I was maybe 5 or 6 and i'm way now.

What would the title of your movie be?

hm...Self-inflicted because i self inflict too many issues for myself.

How have you changed?

I’ve learned so many lessons that I needed to learn.

What do you wish you said?

I wish i apologized about so much. I also wish I told my parents why I made so many mistakes. If i had done both of those things then I wouldn't have so many regrets because I would have had less drama and maybe some support or help.

Your last words?

I'm sorry i pushed it all down.

One thing you would change about yourself?

Maybe some of the things that go through my head. I can be really rude or sound super depressed. I would change how I handle that in my head.

Biggest pet peeve?

Matching and lint/hair on clothes. If you don't match or are covered in lint/hair, it makes me feel so anxious.

What's your purpose?

I think I may actually be too young to answer, but i'll tell you when i know.

Your one simple rule?

I think I have too many to answer that.

What are you looking forward to next?

Moving away. I have so many bad relationships with friends and ive lived in the same place for my entire life. I feel like i live in a box and i need to experience other places. I want to grow in life but is hard when i'm in the same place everything has happened. So moving will help me grow a lot.

What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. I still suck at math but I'm hoping that I can fix that and maybe I'll really have all honors classes. As of now, I have almost all honors, just missing math.

What do you miss most in life?

Feeling happy for more than a short period of time. I'm not as sad as i used to be. But back when i was always depressed, i was the definition of pushing it all away around my family. I never told my parents and still haven't told them how sad I really always felt, only the jist, because of school and life. And now, i have better things that make me happy but at the end of the day, I always feel worthless and drained.

How would you like to be treated?

I would like to be treated like i'm as equal as everyone else. My close friends know that I haven't been in a good place for a while, i went through family drama because of me for a while and i'm starting to finally fix my mistakes but it's tough because they all treat me like i can't be told about their problems since it might make me worse i guess. And I think that's also why they treat me like the ‘leader’. Out of pity. It's been that way my whole life. Even as a little kid. And i hate it. I just wanted to be treated like i'm a friend not like what i need matters more than anyone else's needs because i have ‘issues’.

What do you want to let go of?

Everything that's been put in the past. I know it's been put there for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I want to let go of the mistakes I made in the past because I opened my eyes and saw that that's what they are, mistakes. And even if it happened yesterday, i wanna let go, because it's time to move on if it's not happening.

What does the world need?

A big slap of sense. So many are oblivious to the issues we cause to the world and what issues are just happening to the world. While some things are serious, there are bigger problems than what celebrity slept with someone last night. Things such as suicicide and global warming are real and everyones too busy worrying about chris hemsworth’s abs and so and so’s herpes. I'm guilty of it too, but more and more I realize that there's serious things happening and no one is doing much. 

What makes you happy?

There's a few things but for some reason, my cousins makes me unbelievably happy. When I'm around them, they're not my cousins. They are the best best friends I could ever ask for. I have never loved anyone more than I love all of them. When i hear i get to see them, I'm on it! I hope for the words ‘we’re going to ohio’ every second. I absolutely love them to death, even the ones who are slower than turtles. If they were my siblings, I would want to be home daily with all of them. I cant even explain how much my heart screams to be around all of them and i have no idea why. They're all so amazing. And so are their parents and grandparents and all of them. When my family is with them, i see how much fun they have and it makes me even happier because my parents don't hangout with too many friends or close family. But with them, they talk and laugh as much as I do and I love seeing them so happy.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

OH YEAH! By friends, crushes, family. I guess if I chose one from each category, friends would be when one of my closest friends told my whole school that i had leukemia and i was getting treated. So many kids asked if I was okay and I was all, ‘what?’ when I found out, I confronted her and she lied about it. And when i didn't accept her apology, I did say some uncalled for things, but she made me feel like she could just throw away friendships left and right and she didn't care what happened. But when she lost all her friends, she cared, and she put us all on a bully form because we decided we didn't need a friend who would do something like that. And it was hard watching it happen because we’d been friends our whole life. For crushes, when I was in 5th grade, I was finally in class again with a life long crush. But he played me a bunch of times and bullied me along with his friends. That stuck with me, everything they said and did, but i only cried about it alone because I didn't think it was that serious that they bullied me. Now i see it was. For family..i think when my little cousin silas passed, I realized how serious death was because I was in 6th grade at the time, I understood it all completely. It broke me big time because id met him once and he was a sweet kid. While it brought our entire family together because of his funeral, I bawled the whole time because i felt like i could've done more to interact with him even though I never had the actual chance really. 

The hardest question I've asked?

Thats hard to answer. I think when I had to ask myself if I thought being alive was worth it. I never thought i'd be the person to have to ask myself so when i did, it hit me hard and I had to take it seriously. 

What's beautiful about you?

I think it's that i always want change and am almost always willing to change. Yeah, i'm a person so sometimes I don't want to change anything. But to me, change is so good and the fact that I'm always growing because I'm constantly needing change is beautiful because it makes me mature rather than be naive forever.

How did you find out Santa isn't real?

Oh haha. My sister. We had an elf on the shelf and her and I touched it to test if it would move still. It did. So i question if Santa was real because the elf wasn't. And i would hear people moving all the time when i went to bed x-mas eve. Yeah, i took it easily. But in the back of my head, i was always kinda salty that my sister ruined the fantasy for me. But better now than never.

How do you get through hard times?

I cry. I don't like talking about problems, I feel embarrassed and alone when I have them. So I write and I cry. Which is probably one of the worst ways to deal with it all, but music also helps and I think plenty use music to get through things.

When did you realize you weren't like everyone else?

When i realized how sad i always was. And maybe when i saw how i wasnt a super skinny kid. I'm not fat. But i'm not a stick like all these girls. And i noticed that. But yeah, when i started to feel more and more sad as I got older. And I saw how not too many others were like that.

Worst decision?

Lying because it only made life worse.

1 strange fact about me?

I have a weird birthmark where my leg starts to lead up to my underwear line on the left side. I hate wearing swimsuits like underwear because of it. It's dumb.

Most complicated question ive asked?

I honestly don't know about that one.

What do you look for in a man?

I look for a deeper part of them. I look for things like the nerdy vibes. I like nerdy or depressed guys. I don't like depressed dudes because they're depressed but because they’re the ones with the deep, interesting thoughts. And nerdy because i think dorky guys are adorable. But either way, I like when they listen and their understanding and sweet. I like when they talk a lot, but not more than me. When they make dumb jokes and do more than play video games, i like that. And when they have fashion sense. And shower.

What are you scared to share with people?

Probably what my mistakes actually are.

Earliest memory?

I have a few that I remember being super young but i don't know which one was the first one but one that I like a lot is when I was really young my mom would throw my sister and i big birthday parties and I had a close friend named Gavin Bush. he and I were close because his sister Emma was besties with my sister. But i remember at my birthday party, we were eating rice krispies together and laughing. He had a huge crush on me for the longest time and I always feel bad that I didn't notice much. But i mean, laughing with him was one of my favorite things to do back then. 

Most painful thing you've ever been told?

That i lost all trust. I lied too much and my parents told me that i lost any trust they had in me. But i try everyday to build it back up.

Kindest thing you’ve been told?

That i keep people happy, even when I'm going throw something myself. My friends have told me that even when they're mad or upset, I still make them laugh and while it pisses them off, they love that about me.

What are you ashamed of?

My body. I love some things about it and hate others. I hate my thighs and stretch marks but i remember that someone out there could care less and only cares for my mind and i feel better.

Worst thing you've done to please someone?

Lied about my whole life pretty much. Or said someone said one thing when they said the opposite to protect their feelings.

[drizzitwrites]

Football RPF Challenge - Day 27: Compromise

I had less time to write than I would like today, but life goes like that some days. After not getting anything meaningful (I thought about writing and sketched some things out, which counts as writing time because it's all valuable to the process, but produced no new words) done the last two days I was really hoping to make something out of today. It's weird, because for both Sunday and yesterday I had scenes in mind, but for whatever reason they just didn't go.

Today's theme is "compromise," which is a fairly broad theme and I had a hard time calling up any specific scenes where this needs to happen. I mean, it's another thing where it's weird because they sort of do this all the time with things, because that's how stable relationships work, but I was thinking about upcoming things and it's a lot of all-or-nothing. I mean, in some instances Vincent's literally not in a position to do anything about anything either because he's waiting on news about his future or because he's injured and not allowed to put any weight on his foot, so he doesn't exactly have any credibility when he's trying to insist that Christian stop fussing over him or bringing him food or making him a bed on the sofa or anything, because he can't actually do any of it himself.

This led me to a thought about my next fic in a scene I've made mention of in another scene I wrote. Where it's the night of Vincent's injury and he's decided to sleep on his sofa so he doesn't bother Christian, but then wakes up in the middle of the night and is trying to get down the hall to the toilet and is of course making ALL MANNER of noise, which wakes Christian up anyway. Vincent feels badly that he's woken Christian (it's the night before a match), but Christian just wants to make sure Vincent is okay, so he ends up staying up to help Vincent and when Vincent wants to go back into his room and tells Christian to do the same because he's sure he'll keep him up if they're together, Christian fights him on it and what happens is that Vincent ends up in the guest room because it's closer to the bathroom if he needs to get up and Christian insists on sleeping in there with him even though Vincent thinks he won't get good rest. But Christian says that he's not getting good rest alone in his bed worrying about Vincent so this way at least he'll be here and know if Vincent needs anything. Compromise.

But! As convinced as I was that this was the scene for me to write today, I changed my mind just as I sat down to start. It's still a scene that's set the same evening, but it's about Christian wanting to stay home with Vincent instead of going to Friday night dinner at Toby's house and Vincent insisting that he goes because he should see his friends and not just sit home and watch Vincent sleep (he's on some fairly serious pain medication at this point so all he does is sleep and feel generally horrible with very little else in-between). It ends up also being a compromise and is another key scene around the main theme of the fic of Vincent being glad to be there in Christian's company, but also being generally angry and sad and not wanting to bring Christian down or take him away from his life, so he begs out of a lot of things and sends Christian away to live his life a lot even though they'd generally both rather just sit inside Christian's house and appreciate their time together more often than not.

Despite me not really having a solid grip on things going into this and thinking I’d only be able to write for an hour, I actually got really into this scene and pushed aside some other tasks tonight so I could finish it. I’m quite pleased with how it’s come out for a first draft.

Content warning for illness and prescription pain relievers in case anyone needs it.

Christian's phone let out an insistent buzz that seemed to shake the entire sofa and drill its way straight into the centre of Vincent's brain.

Too sick and exhausted to do anything about it, even if he <em>could</em> manage to figure out where the noise was coming from and make it stop, Vincent let it ring.

And ring.

And ring.

After the third cycle, Vincent risked flicking his eyes open and shifting around to locate the phone. He regretted it immediately as once again the room tilted around him, his stomach lurching and swooping along with it. He slammed his eyelids closed, sucking in deep breaths and swallowing down the nausea for what felt like the hundredth time that day, and buried his face into the comforting fabric of his sofa.

Another ring, and Vincent was close to saying fuck it all, fighting back the waves of dizziness and sickness until he could locate the source of the sound, fling his arm out to grab hold of it, and throw it across the room as hard as he could. Which, all things considered, probably wasn't that far. At worst, he figured, it would topple to the floorboards at the foot of the sofa as he shoved it away. Probably wouldn't even scratch the screen.

Thankfully, Vincent heard Christian's soft footfalls on the stairs just before he resorted to anything drastic.

"Christiaan," he yelled out. Or, tried to yell out, but his face was still jammed into the sofa cushion so it came out as more of a muffled groan.

"Vince?" Christian's voice immediately rushing closer, laced with the same concern Vincent had been hearing there all day. Ordinarily, he'd fight back about it, telling Christian he was fine and not to worry about him, he could take care of himself, but in this case he found he didn't mind a little bit of sympathy and coddling.

"Your phone," Vincent said, still not bothering to move his face out of the sofa cushion.

"What?" Christian asked, voice closer now, just beside Vincent's ear. His hand rested warm and heavy on Vincent's back, just between his shoulder blades.

"Phone," Vincent said again, this time managing to lever himself a few centimetres upward as he spoke the word before crashing back to the sofa.

"Wha...oh."

Christian's hand pressed down harder against his spine for a few seconds as he leaned over to retrieve his phone from where it rested on the arm of the sofa nearest Vincent's head. He settled back down, crouched on the floor beside the sofa, his right hand now absentmindedly rubbing small, soothing circles into Vincent's skin.

"Ugh," he said after a moment. "I think he's just going to keep calling until I answer him. One second, okay. Just let me tell him I won't be making it tonight and then I'm all yours, okay?"

At this, Vincent shifted, lifting his head and dropping it to the side so he could look over at Christian through heavy-lidded eyes.

"Who's there?"

"Hm," Christian said, still staring down at the screen of his phone. "Oh. Toby. I imagine it's about...well I imagine it's about a lot of things, but mostly--"

"Dinner," Vincent said, cutting in before Christian could finish. He wasn't quite sure why or how he'd come to it, but somewhere in the back of his drug-clouded brain something clicked.

Friday night. Weekly dinner with the Eredivisie contingent.

"Yeah," Christian said. "That, and probably he's wanting to know if everything is okay since I sort of ran away from training without warning and never turned back up again. I sent him a text to let him know what happened, but I haven't checked in since we've arrived back home. I'll call him back and let him know I won't be making it and they should go ahead without me."

He leaned in and pressed blessedly cool lips to Vincent's forehead then stood up, fingers already swiping at the screen of his phone.

Vincent looked up at him for a second then squinted his eyes back shut against the harsh glare of the overhead light that haloed Christian--silhouetting him against the brightness and casting his features into vague, indistinct shadows. A second, and then Christian's words clicked through the fog in his mind.

"Why aren't you going?"

"What?"

"Dinner. Why aren't you going?" Vincent repeated, speaking slowly this time in an attempt to force his words to come out a bit clearer.

"Why am I not...what kind of question is that?"

Vincent sucked in a deep breath then pressed his hand into the sofa cushion and levered himself upward. He held the pose for a second, then gritted his teeth against the pain and the wave of nausea he knew was coming, and dropped back down to lay on his side, facing outward into the room.

He took a moment to regain his bearings, drawing and releasing a few more deep breaths until the sensations subsided and he could at least somewhat competently form words again.

"You never miss dinner," he said. "It's a thing. All of you. Unless someone is literally on their deathbed your presence is expected."

Christian let out a breath of a laugh and then dropped back down to sit beside the sofa once more. In his hand, his phone once more took up its insistent buzz and he swiped at the screen until the noise ceased.

"Wacht even, Toby," he said, frowning down at the screen before turning back to Vincent.

He reached up and ran a hand through Vincent's hair, brushing it away from his forehead. "Liefje, this is as close to 'on your deathbed' as I'd like to see. I think everyone can forgive me one dinner."

Vincent closed his eyes for a moment, letting himself relax into Christian's soft strokes smoothing at his hair. It had to feel horrible--stiff and greasy with long-dried sweat and the styling paste he'd used earlier that morning--but Christian didn't seem to mind.

He'd nearly drifted off, lulled to sleep by the soothing sensation of Christian's warm hand in combination with the pain relievers and the bone-deep exhaustion that had set in after the constant chaos of his day. He felt like he could sleep for days, and, honestly, that sounded like the most pleasing option of all--sleep right on through the weekend, blissfully unaware of the throbbing in his foot or the brain fog and illness from the drugs and especially the periodic realisation of what this all meant.

No Fener. No football. Not even allowed to put weight on his foot for weeks. Ready to go by January if he was lucky, but what team would want an out-of-form striker who hadn't played a full match in over a year?

Here in London, wrapped up in Christian's life for at least four more months, but at what cost.

Maybe he could fall asleep and wake up to find out this whole, horrible day had been nothing but a nightmare.

He flicked his eyes open to see Christian's face, eyes still laced with concern and fixed on his. His phone, back to vibrating with Toby's call once more, lay in his lap, ignored.

"'m so tired," Vincent mumbled, and Christian gave him a smile.

"I know. Sleep, Liefje. I'll be right here."

Vincent made a sound that was something between a snort and a groan. "You can't sit on the floor all night."

Christian's smile widened and he let out a small laugh. "No. Probably not. My feet are already getting pins and needles. Go to sleep and I'll go call Toby back and bring up a chair to sit in."

"No," Vincent said. He tried to put as much force as possible behind the word, but it still came out as a feeble whine.

"Vincent," Christian said, with all the gentle insistence of a parent trying to reason with a small child, "Go to sleep. It will be okay. I'll only be downstairs for a few moments and then I'll be right back here with you if you need anything."

Vincent felt like he was swimming through cotton wool, desperately trying to pull the thoughts and words out of his brain. His eyes fell closed once more and he fought against it, forcing them wide so he could stay awake and stay focused on Christian.

"No," he said again, though with somehow less force behind the words than previously. "That's not...I don't...Godverdamme I hate this. I can't think straight."

He lifted a hand to his face, his arm feeling like a dead weight as he dragged it towards him and jammed his thumb joint into his forehead as though somehow he might be able to press the thoughts in his mind into some kind of order.

"Shh," Christian said, his gentle strokes through Vincent's hair now faster as he worked to soothe Vincent. "Liefje, everything is going to be okay."

Vincent let out a long, low whine, but dropped his hand back to the sofa.

"No, Chris. I know. I'm just..." his voice weak and fractious in his own ear, and he hated this. Hated that he could do nothing but lay here, helpless, not even able to communicate his thoughts with any sort of coherence.

Deep breath, and he let it out slowly.

In front of him, Christian's phone once again resumed its insistent buzzing.

"In godsnaam, Christiaan, answer your fucking phone."

Christian's eyes went wide at Vincent's sudden outburst and he shifted back, a miniscule movement, but enough for Vincent to see he'd caught Christian off-guard.

"Yes," Christian said, voice soft and calm. "I'll just..."

He held up his phone then scooted away from the sofa, his hand leaving Vincent's hair and dragging across his cheek with the movement.

"Christiaan," Vincent said, calmer now, and Christian stopped.

"What, Vincent?"

"I'm...trying to say..." Vincent sighed and tried again. "Go to Toby's. Have dinner with your friends."

"But you're--"

"I'm tired and I don't feel good and I honestly just want to sleep for the next year and wake up and find out this was all a horrible dream."

"Oh, Liefje," Christian once again reached for him, but this time stopped short of his head and instead wrapped Vincent's hand up in his.

"No," Vincent said once more. "It's not...you don't have to stay. You shouldn't stay here and watch me sleep. Go out. Be with your friends. I'll be fine."

Christian shook his head, the movement making Vincent's head spin until he squeezed his eyes shut.

"The doctors said someone should stay with you. To make sure things are going alright with the pain medicine. You've already been sick from them, I don't want to leave you here alone."

Vincent let out another half-groan, half-whimper.

"Chris, I'll be alright. The worst of the sickness has passed and I'm just so tired. If you're worried about the floors, then leave the bin by the sofa. I'll call you if it gets really bad. Honestly, I'll probably just sleep the whole time and won't even notice you're away."

"It's not that, it's..." Christian trailed off. "I'd rather stay. I'll feel better if I stay."

"It's not..." Vincent sucked in another breath as he worked to unjumble the words on his tongue. "It's not that I don't want you here. I do. I don't know what I would have done today without you, but... you have your life, too. The dinners are important to you and with Toby's plans still uncertain..."

"I'll see them all tomorrow," Christian cut in, but Vincent shook his head, the movement once again setting everything to rocking and tipping.

"Go. There's no sense you sitting around here on a Friday night watching me sleep. Tell everyone I said 'hi' and good luck in tomorrow's match."

Christian didn't say anything for long moments, and Vincent had to fight to hang onto his consciousness in the heavy silence of the room.

"You'll call me?" Christian asked. "Anything at all, and you'll call me? I'm just up the street at Jan's, I can be back here in ten minutes."

"Go, Lieveke," Vincent said, forcing his eyes open once again so he could stare over at Christian. "I'll call you, I promise."

Another long silence, Christian worrying at his bottom lip, Vincent's hand still firmly clasped in his, and Vincent did his best to give it a feeble squeeze.

Eventually, Christian let out a strangled noise, then climbed to his feet. He shook out his legs a bit, first one, then the other, almost certainly trying to work the feeling back into them after spending the past several minutes sitting cross-legged on the hardwood floor.

"Okay. I'll go. But just for dinner, I'm not staying for the board games or any of it. Two hours, tops, and then I'll be back."

He stepped away from the sofa, then lifted his phone, jabbed at the screen, and held it to his ear before ducking out of the room and into the hallway.

Vincent let his eyes fall closed once more, but he kept up his battle against the sleep that threatened to overtake him. He wanted to at least be awake to see Christian off, if he could.

Christian's half of the phone conversation drifted in through the door, his voice hushed and low. Vincent tuned in on it, trying to discern which of his friends Christian might be speaking with. It had been Toby who had kept up the insistent stream of phone calls and messages, but from the sounds of things, Christian was speaking to one of the others instead.

"...fine," Christian said. "He's...well, honestly I don't know. Physically it's...not good, but..."

A pause and then.

"Yes. But only for dinner. I don't want to be away longer than I have to."

"No. He's actually the one insisting that I go."

Vincent smiled at that, picturing the exasperated eye roll he could hear in Christian's voice.

"Yes. I hope you don't mind that I'm not exactly dressed for dinner. I just about managed to get a shower in earlier. Things have been...I'll tell you about it later."

Another long pause and then. "Right. Speak soon."

A second later, Christian slipped into the room. Vincent flicked his eyes open once more and gave him what he hoped was his most encouraging smile. "Go, Lieveke</em>. Have fun with your friends. You deserve it after today."

Christian laughed at this, then shook his head. "You're the one lying there sick and in pain and you're telling me I deserve a night out? You're really something."

Vincent tried to return the laugh, but all that came out was a weak cough. "Oh. I deserve several nights out, but I don't really think that's in the cards for me this evening. Anyway, it's the least I can do for you after probably destroying the interior of your car."

"Ugh," Christian said, wrinkling his nose at the memory of their harrowing drive home a few hours ago. "How could I have forgotten that? I can't go out. My car is..."

"You can take mine," Vincent said. "Keys are...somewhere. Fuck if I know."

He let his eyes slide shut once again, and Christian bent down and pressed another cool kiss to his forehead. "I'll find them. Sleep well. Call me if you need anything."

"I will, Christian. I promise. Just go. Have fun. Tell everyone I said hi."

Christian leaned into the kiss for a second, smooth lips pressing a wet mark into Vincent's skin, then ruffled a hand through Vincent's hair one last time, straightened up, and stepped back.

Vincent heard him rustling around in the corner of the room for a bit, presumably looking for Vincent's keys. He tried to break once more out of the grip of sleep, but it was clear he was about to lose the battle this time. He mumbled a sleepy "Ik hou van je." in Christian's direction, and slid into darkness before he heard Christian's reply.

[pinkpuffballdude]

WELL ALRIGHT THEN @shsltxt @siverwrites

A: Aptitude 1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

Celestia became a theif when she was uhhh really young, so she’s good at sleight of hand, but she’s always had a natural aptitude for talking people down.

2. what activities have they participated in?

Quite a lot? I’m not quite sure what this question is trying to go for, but I think “talking down a mob” and “convincing her party that her friend wasn’t the werewolf, no sir” would go up here.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

She had to learn to play the flute, and she had to train to get as good as she is at diplomacy 

4. what things are they bad at?

I haven’t got her stat block on me, but I’m pretty sure she’s bad a something

5. what is their most impressive talent?

Diplomacy.

B: Basics 1. what is their hair color?

Dirty blonde

2. what is their eye color?

A sort of golden-brown color, almost like hazel? but without the green

3. how tall are they?

3′2″

4. how old are they?

She’s young, equivalent to about nineteen or twenty or so

5. how much do they weigh?

Again, no stat block D:

C: Comfort 1. how do they sit in a chair?

Oh, she sprawls, definitely. 

2. in what position do they sleep?

She is most comfortable spread out on the bed, limbs everywhere

3. what is their ideal comfort day?

Probably doing some sort of concert for her friends. 

4. what is their major comfort food? why?

This one Specific City’s street food, cause that’s what she’d go out with her chosen family and eat whenever they could (mostly after a successful heist) 

5. who is the best at comforting them when down?

........... I really want to say Thela, but I don’t actually know. I feel like she’d put on this cocky, confident facade and wouldn’t let people know when she felt down. Probably herself, then.

D: Decoration 1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name?

Hobbit hole, like Bag End in the movies. 

2. how would they decorate their child’s room?

Lots of natural colors, browns and greens, wood, probably a mural or two. 

3. how do they decorate their own room?

Maps and leaves, for a bit of color and scouting places out. 

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear?

Most of her clothing is pretty utilitarian, but I think she’d keep a coin or smth on a piece of string for luck. 

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends?

nah

E: External Personality 1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality?

I don’t think of her as much of an open book, no. Well, for her positive feelings, yes, she is, but not her more negative feelings. 

2. do they do things that conform to the norm?

Not on purpose, unless it’s for a disguise. 

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing?

I think she’d do her own thing, for the most part. If she spies something she likes the look of that just so happens to be in season, well, so be it.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads?

on what

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

Diy my dudes, figure it out on your lonesome.

F: Fun 1. what do they do for fun?

Dumb jokes and hang out sessions. Alone, it’d be writing music/playing old favorites and plotting out her next move, be that a heist or a gag.

2. what is their ideal party?

My first thought was adventuring party, BUT UH I think it’d be something bright and colorful with loud happy music and tasty but not fancy food. 

3. who would they have the most fun with?

Thela.

4. can they have fun while conforming to rules?

Ooo, that’s an interesting question. Yes? Y-es, I think she can. She’ll figure something out. 

5. do they go out a lot?

all the time :)

G: Gorgeous 1. what is their most attractive external feature?

(why are you asking me this) Hair, possibly? I imagine it as being shiny and pretty, so. 

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

Dumb jokes. Jokes in general. 

3. what benefits come with being their friend?

You will never lose an argument against another party again.

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

She’s very proud of her ability to avoid conflict, or at least resolve it without violence, but she’s also pretty quick to anger, and she doesn’t like that. 

5. what parts of others do they envy?

Okay so 1) height, 2) the ability to stop thinking for a little while. 

H: Heat 1. do they rather a hot or cold room?

She likes being warm, so a hot room

2. do they prefer summer or winter?

Summerrrrrr, it’s pretty and WARM

3. do they like the snow?

It’s okay. You can make snowballs out of it though.

4. do they have a favorite summer activity?

Hiking

5. do they have a favorite winter activity?

Snowball fights

I: In-the-closet 1. what is their sexuality?

This ends up being a very very complicated question, because on one hand I am Very AroAce and Can Fucking Not roleplay romance in any way shape or form and am therefore very tempted to say aroace, but on the other I highkey ship her with one of my friends characters (it’s mutual, it’s fantastic) so I really want her to be gay or bi or smth. I’ll go with Probably Demi

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality?

nah, she’s chill with w/e happens

3. have they ever questioned their gender?

I don’t think she would, as gender roles (or gender, period, really) have never been that big a thing in her life? She goes out in pants and studded leather and braids her hair and has never once been told that she’s any less for any of it. So I don’t think she has. 

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT?

Yes. They were.

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

It wasn’t really a thing she thought about? None of her family made a big deal of not conforming (they were street rats, they already didn’t conform so who cared) so she just. Answered when asked.  As for her party, they never asked (I don’t think) and she never volunteered the information. It didn’t seem important.

J: Joy 1. what makes them happy?

Her friends, and figuring out puzzles. 

2. who makes them happy?

Again, friends, but mostly Thela. 

3. are there any songs that bring them joy?

So there’s this one song that she always plays after a successful heist that she’s always played after a successful heist and while it was kind of bittersweet for a while there it’s a part of her life and her friends lives and it’s still a celebratory thing for her. 

4. are they happy often?

Yeah. 

5. what brings them the most joy in the world?

So she’s like Mr. Von Lipwig in that she feels the most alive when she’s duping some poor sod, or when she’s done the deed and Won, so when she’s winning. 

K: Kill 1. have they ever thought about suicide?

Hm. Yeah. Probably between her family’s arrest and Professor Lorrimor, I’d say. 

2. have they ever thought about homicide?

Oh absolutely. 

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who?

She’s not really got anyone on her blacklist rn, excepting the rat who sold out her previous family. She doesn’t know who that is though. 

4. who would miss them if they died?

uhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t really speak for them but I think the party would???

5. who would be happy they died, anyone?

Probably the Whispering Way, idk. 

L: Lemons 1. what is their favorite fruit?

Fantasy Hobbit Peaches

2. what is their least favorite fruit?

She’s never met a banana before in her life, but I don’t like them So Neither Does She

3. are there any foods they hate?

Travel rations suck. The hard tack and the dry meats and the salt and ugh

4. do they have any food intolerances?

I don’t think she would, no

5. what is their favorite food?

A honey-drizzled cake thing

M: Maternal 1. would they want a daughter or a son?

Indifferent, either is Good

2. how many children do they want?

None, really. Adoption is good though, then it’s however many.

3. would they be a good parent?

Possibly? She’d make a cool aunt though

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter?

ohgodIhaven’tthoughtaboutthis uhhhhhh Samuel and Cinthia. Yes.

5. would they adopt?

Absolutely.

N: Never Have I Ever 1. what would they never do?

I’m still on an illegal things stint so my first thought was uhhhh bad, but a non-bad thing she’d never do would probably be..... pass up an opportunity to eat. Never know when the next meals gonna be

2. what have they never done that they want to do?

I don’t think she’s ever slept in a bed that was hers. So that.

3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do?

Destroy others for the sake of it. 

4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done?

When she was first trying to figure out how to talk to people her flirting game was atrocious. 

5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do?

She left that city. 

O: Optimism 1. are they optimistic or pessimistic?

She tries really really hard to be an optimist. 

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others?

She doesn’t shove it down people’s throats, but she’s not shy about it either. 

3. are they good at giving advice?

Yes.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them?

There was, at one point, but not anymore.

5. were they always optimistic?

No.

P: Personality 1. what is their best personality trait?

Strong morals (but fuck rules)

2. what is their worst personality trait?

Rules what rules OR impulsive

3. what of their personality do others love?

Hmmm, I wanna say bubbly, though I’m not sure on that one. Humorous, I think.

4. what of their personality do others envy?

Man, I don’t know. The aforementioned relentless optimism? 

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

Impulsive, quick to anger, and she hates people who just don’t care. She cannot stand them.

Q: Questions 1. do they ask for help?

From the people she trusts absolutely, yes. Anyone else, maybe. It’s a coin flip though.

2. do they ask questions in class?

in what

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable?

Not usually. 

4. do they ask weird questions?

I don’t think they’re weird.

5. are they curious?

Definitely.

R: Rules 1. do they follow rules?

When it suits her.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent?

Laid-back, but with a lesson and explaination on how to Not Die or get hurt. So it’d be rules heavy but in a rules of the world way, not My House My Rules way.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule?

She was a thief for years, yeah she’s experienced consequences. 

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking?

Nah. All of it was justified. 

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?

Probably. I don’t know all the laws of our campains world off the top of my head, so I can’t think of any, but there’s gotta be something in there 

S: Streets 1. are they street-smart?

Yes.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets?

If she had the extra change, yes.

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets?

No, I don’t think she has. She’s run away from people, but I don’t think she’s fought people in broad daylight. 

4. has anything happened to them on the streets?

She lived there for a while, so yes.

5. are they cautious when out?

As cautious as she can be while still appearing nonchalant. 

T: Truth 1. are they honest?

Ah ha, no.

2. can they tell if someone is lying?

I think she’s got a good Sense Motive, so yes.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying?

Absolutely not.

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about?

I don’t think she has. Not during our campaign, at least. 

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will?

Probably. It’s statistically likely, though I don’t think any of them have gotten back to her.

U: Underdog 1. have they been bullied?

No.

2. have they bullied anyone?

No.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully?

Nah, no bullies to attack.

4. have they ever been doubted?

Not on anything important

5. have they surprised people with being good at something?

Not that I know of, no.

V: Vomit 1. do they vomit often?

Wow, gross, no.

2. do they get lots of stomach aches?

I don’t know how she would, no.

3. are they good at comforting someone ill?

+16 diplomacy will do that for you, yes.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes?

Backrubs and murmuring 

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting?

Nothing when nauseous or vomiting. Genuinely don’t know what this means. 

W: Water 1. do they drink enough water?

She tries to!

2. have they learned to swim?

I think she’s got a positive modifier on that....

3. do they like to swim?

Not particularly. 

4. can they dive?

Not off a diving board, if that’s what you’re asking. 

5. can they swim without holding their nose?

Yeah, she can. 

X: Xylophone 1. what is their favorite genre of music?

Folk! It’s happy and easy to dance to and sing along with

2. do they have a favorite song?

See above ^ (like way above)

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer?

Okay so like there was this one guy who played on this one street corner for years and she’s go there everyday to see if he’d come round to play and he was the best violinist she’d ever heard and she was so disappointed when he stopped showing up 

4. can they sing well?

She doesn’t do it often, but yes.

5. can they rap?

can she what

Y: You 1. how old were you when you created them?

Nine or ten, yeesh

2. what inspired you to create them?

I needed a character for our campaign (I got her name from Blink, the Doctor Who episode, and just a random name I thought was pretty)

3. were they different when they were first created?

Absolutely, she used to be just a straight (ha) self insert and now she’s not

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

Playing, but, yeah, I think so. 

5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

+16 diplomacy baby!

Z: Zebra 1. what’s their favorite animal?

Her dogssssss

2. do they like animals?

She loves them!

3. cats or dogs?

Dogs!

4. what’s their dream pet?

A Huge Fuck Off Wolf

5. do they have any pets at the moment?

A wolf and a riding dog (she’s so tiny..... )

Thank you for asking!!

[eldritchsurveys]

1033.

Have you ever felt a baby kick? >> I don’t think so. I mean, maybe? It’s possible? Maybe when Vlad was pregnant? But I don’t remember, so. What color pants/shorts are you wearing? >> Charcoal. When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it? >> Well, I played a couple of hours of FFXIV earlier? I also watched another episode of Blackish while eating dinner, and that show is a lot of fun for me. What was the scariest moment of your life? >> Oh, who knows. I was probably not fully aware of my emotions at the time anyway, so does it really count as scary if I can’t fully feel my own fear?

Have you ever heard of Leonard Cohen? >> Certainly.

Pancakes or flapjacks? >> I don’t know anything about flapjacks, but I’m not crazy about pancakes. What kind of computer are you on? >> A Lenovo IdeaPad. Do you eat Chinese food? If so, what’s your favorite dish? >> Sure, preferably of the less Americanised variety. I don’t have a favourite dish, though. What are you usually doing at midnight? >> Sleeping. If I’m not sleeping, I’m doing a crossword or reading. Have you ever developed feelings for a friend, but you were already with someone? >> --- If so, how did it turn out? >> --- Give me your brief definition of love. >> I don’t have a brief definition of love. What is the most beautiful part of the human body, male or female? >> --- What kind of shoes do you wear? >> Either sneakers or Docs-type boots. What is the worst thing you’ve ever done when you were really angry? >> I mean, physically hurt someone, what else. Are there any pills you take on a daily basis? If so, what? >> Yeah, I take CBD in the morning and I take the good old Period-B-Gon at night. Do you like the smell of coconuts? >> I do, but only in small doses. It gets overwhelming pretty quickly. What is the heaviest you think you can lift? >> I don’t know. Do you take Tums? >> No, I don’t need them. Have you ever walked on a pier at the beach? >> I’ve been on the Piers on the Hudson River, but I don’t think I’ve been on any legitimate beach piers. How about under one? >> No. At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone? >> --- Do you feel that way around anyone now? >> ---

Do you ever talk to yourself or think deep thoughts while on the toilet? >> I usually read on the toilet. Do you ever sing to yourself? >> In general, absolutely. Not on the toilet, though. Couldn’t tell if this was a continuation of the last question or not... What is a sound that relaxes you? >> Babbling-brook type sounds. Forest sounds. Can Calah’s voice. Bruni’s voice. How hard has it been to reach your main goal in life? >> Can’t imagine what it’d be like to have one main goal in life. Like... that’s wild. Do you remember the song about hoes in different area codes? >> Yes, lol. Ahh, what a throwback. What is your main heritage? >> Hm. What kind of pickles do you prefer, if you like pickles? >> I like regular sandwich pickles. I also like bread and butter, which makes me a heathen in Sparrow’s eyes even though we unite over our liking of pickles otherwise. What kind of cheese do you prefer, if you like cheese? >> On sandwiches, pepper jack. With crackers, some kind of brie or Kerrygold swiss, but I’ll take pepper jack or cheddar in a pinch (and usually cheddar if there’s also apple slices involved). In salads, feta. And so on. If you could have a sea creature as a pet, what would you want? >> I don’t want a sea creature as a pet. How about a farm animal? >> Or a farm animal. So, do you have hoes in different area codes? >> Back to this again, eh? What is the most annoying song you can think of that came out recently? >> --- What is a song that you hate to admit you like? >> I feel like it’s insulting to myself to hate admitting that I like something. Getting enjoyment out of something is something to be appreciated, for me... What inspires you to get off your bum and do something productive? >> Inspiration is not what gets me to do things. Executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, and random triggers all piss on “inspiration”. I get up and do things when I fucking can. Do you ever use Urban Dictionary? >> I really don’t ever have to. Even slang that’s new to me I can figure out by context clues... Do you find the definitions on there to be generally funny or stupid? >> They’re definitely... special. What comes to your mind when you hear the word ‘transformation’? >> I have no immediate associations with that word.

What was something you regularly played with as a child? >> Paper dolls.

Have you ever given in to peer pressure? >> Sure. If so, what did you do? >> I mean, I don’t have specific examples right now because my memory sucks. But I cannot confidently say that I’ve gotten this far without ever giving into something my peer group wanted me to do. What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? >> My brain.

Do a lot of people check you out when you’re in public? >> I don’t know, I assume not, but even the suggestion that that’s possible makes me want to claw my skin off, so good job. What is a good name for a turtle? >> A name that matched its disposition and what type of turtle it was. Can you imitate any accents well? If so, which one(s)? >> No. Do you like having your ear nibbled on? >> Nooooo. What makes a good kisser a good kisser? >> I think it’s about whether the partner likes whatever it is they’re doing. Some people kiss in ways that would disgust the fuck out of me, but would be immensely pleasing to someone else. I guess the best kind of kisser would be the one who found out (either by asking outright or by trial-and-error/being guided) what kind of kissing their partner liked (and when!) and adapted to that. How many times a year do you have a family thing? >> --- What are the best things to put in a smoothie? >> I have no idea. Do you ever eat with your eyes closed and just focus on the taste? >> Sometimes. What do you dislike most about where you live right now? >> Oh, you want a list? Because I’ll make a list-- well, okay, mostly I just don’t like urban noise. I’ve grown really intolerant and skittish of the noises people make as they exist around me (this includes environmental noise like vehicles, airplanes, lawncare machinery, etc, as well). Has anyone ever given you a rose/roses? >> No. I’ve given roses a couple of times.

Are you watching your weight? >> I’m trying to not hyperfocus on my weight, actually. Have you ever become really good friends with someone you found online? >> I guess that’s what happened with Elle. “Really good” throws me off because I don’t know how good of friends we are...? I assume we’re just regular friends! I don’t know! Next! What makes your best friend your best friend? >> --- Do you have a drunk uncle? >> --- Do you hear weird noises in your house at night? >> No. What is something you do that is generally more like something the opposite sex does? >> --- What is the girliest thing you do, if you’re a girl? >> ---

What is the coolest tattoo you’ve ever seen? >> I don’t know, man, I’ve seen a lot of cool tattoos over time. In fact, just the concept of tattoos in general is cool. Have you ever created anything artistic that you’re proud of? If so, what? >> I mean, I’ve written some pretty sweet fanfic. Do you only eat the middle of the oreo, if you eat oreos? >> I don’t eat Oreos.

Do you know anyone with a huge ego? >> Maybe. If so, is there anything else about them you actually like? >> I mean, having a huge ego doesn’t automatically disqualify you from having anything likeable about you from my perspective... Have you ever used a racial slur, even jokingly? >> Yep. Considering a certain obvious racial slur is now a slang term... Do you have any friends who are more like siblings to you? >> ---

If so, what about them do you like most? >> --- What do you like on your hotdogs, if you eat hotdogs? >> On the rare occasion that I do, I like onions and sauerkraut and mustard. What is everyone else in your house doing right now? >> Sparrow is in her room, I assume watching more of the Amnesia Rebirth playthrough on YouTube. What is the most money you’ve ever had at one time? >> $10k. Retroactive payment from Social Security. (Yeah, that’s how long they denied me before I got approved. Long enough that they owed me a total of fourteen grand.) How long do you think it would take you to run a mile? >> I wouldn’t run a mile, so that’s that on that. Look down. What do you see? >> The dark void that is my clothing in this dim lighting. What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable? >> Can’t think of anything right now. Not that such subjects don’t exist, just that they’re not coming to mind. What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it? >> FFXIV. What kind of mood were you in most of today? >> A hyperaroused one. Had a lot of emotions and then had to deal with the backlash to having too many emotions before noon. Has anyone ever walked in on you naked? >> No. Tell me an inside joke you have with someone. >> I can’t ever remember these at random. What is the worst thing someone could do to you emotionally? >> Let’s not. What is the worst thing you’ve ever done to someone emotionally? >> Let’s not. How do you feel now about the first person you ever dated? >> Nothing. He’s been dead for over a decade, any feelings about him exist only in emotional flashbacks. How about the last person (your last ex)? >> A little hurt still but mostly just pissed and disgusted. Most of the hurt I still feel now is grief towards myself and what I lost to someone else’s carelessness and self-obsession. What is the best invention ever invented? >> *shrug*

What is something that needs to be invented? >> *shrug* What always makes you burp? >> Carbonation. Well, not always, I guess? But often. What are you doing tomorrow? >> I’m not sure yet. I’ll know when it gets here.

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 3)

Didn’t even stop for food; that part was just getting so long.

Part Three encompasses pages 144-240 (previous parts)

I promise I’m not going to stop each liveblog part every time I get to a Shallan chapter. I promise. 

OH MY GOSH I’M LAUGHING SO HARD I CAN’t BREATHE

SHALLAN ASSUMING THE KNOCK ON HER DOOR IS PALONA NAD ADOLIN WALKS IN

1. ADOLIN BROUGHT HER DINNER WHAT A SWEETIE

2. SHE’S IN HER FRIKKIN NIGHTGOWN

3. HE ALMOS DROPS HER DINNER BECAUSE OH NO HER SAFEHAND

I’M DYING THIS IS FRIKKIN HILARIOUS I LOVE ADOLIN SO MUCH I LOVE ADOLIN AND SHALLAN TOGETHER THIS IS TOO FUNNY

“In my defense, you did invite me in!” SHOUTING THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE A GRINNING FOOL I LOVE THEM??

“Back of your left thigh, eh? What’s a girl gotta do to sneak a glimpse of that?” SAYS THE WOMAN WHO JUST FREAKED OUT AND WRAPPED HER SAFEHAND IN THREE LAYERS OF CLOTH WHILE BLUSHING FURIOUSLY TWO SECONDS AGO OMG THESE NERDS

He’s so genuine in how much he likes her. hello, fronds, I LOVE THEM

“Your ego doesn’t count as a separate individual, Shallan.” GOD BLESS

Pattern + math jokes = Good

The fact that both Pattern and Syl have been “studying” um...mating. is REALLY HILARIOUS

otp: NO MATING

THAT’S THE CUTEST KISS EVER I’M GIGGLING THIS IS DELIGHTFUL

Did you guys know that Kaladin is A Good?

what a good.

also, I’m worried about the parshmen. That’s not stormform--I’m assuming workform or nimbleform??--so...the storm gave them the ability to change forms again, I’m guessing? But they don’t know what to do with them. And it didn’t force them into stormform, which is why they didn’t attack, but...what does this mean?

Adolin!!! you nerd!!! he’s so excited about training her to fight!! omg “I brought the Blade guards, lemme go grab them RIGHT NOW” THIS NERD

“I can die. They will send you another to bond.” BBY NOOOOOOOO

Someone hug Pattern, please

Also hug Shallan?? maybe? girl, panic attacks SUCK I know how you feel, just breathe, babe, just breathe...

girl really needs to Deal with some shit. Get her a therapist, someone

Adolin is a good and patient boy who is genuine and wonderful, and I love him.

...whoops, I totally forgot about the Honorblade. heh

The fact that Dalinar is hiding the honorblade in the sewer pipes is delightful to me.

I miss Bridge Four.

Though this new guy from Bridge Thirteen seems chill. and funny.

except I don’t trust him? do we know him? are we sure he is who he says he is?

I’m concern

Dalinar stripping to his waist to wrestle people is hilarious to me?

OH. I didn’t realize the Thrill was an Alethi-only thing. huh. that’s still...it’s still bad, but idk if it’s worse that it’s only Alethi or better that it’s not spread to everyone.

they use terms of endearment and the term of endearment is gemheart I’m dying that’s too adorable

that was...a very interesting conversation about tradition and religion and how the two tie together. I’m particularly interested in the idea that “just because it’s tradition doesn’t mean it’s worthy; just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s right.” I feel like there are a lot of real-world applications to that sentiment that could do with exploring...

ooohhhhhh snap OOHHHHHHH DALINAR USING STORMLIGHT THE FIRST TIME OOOOHHH

oh, Adhesion, of course. I’m genuinely curious to see what his other one does. Tension, isn’t it? How does that work hmmmmmmmmm gimme magic system answers aahh

AAAHH WHAT

EVI

WHAT

HE REMEMBERS!!!!

is it ‘cause the Stormlight “healed” his memories? Stormlight magic cancels out other magic--Nightwatcher magiOH OH MY GOD THAT’S WHY LIFT IS AGING ISN’T IT? SHE ASKED THE NIGHTWATCHER TO NOT GET OLDER BUT THE STORMLIGHT MAYBE ERASED THAT MAGIC?? MAYBE?? I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A THEORY THAT IS HIGHLY PLAUSIBLE SO I’M STICKING WITH IT.

gaahh parshendi kiddos aahh no they’re cute this is A Lot

nnnnnnnnngggggg Kaladin thinking about his escape attempts aaaaAAAAAHHHHH

“That had been his most successful escape attempt. It had lasted five days.” AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH I’m

He’s so. strong. He’s come so far. He suffered so much I just. AAAHHH

aahh, Kaladin’s first instinct when Syl is ignoring him is “oh god, I messed up something’s wrong with the bond” and that momentary panic is SO MUCH HE’S SO MUCH I’M

....parshman radiant? or?

but it’s yellow

so how is it Voidspren? unless the black sphere isn’t voidspren...

...........Odium’s champion is golden. maybe.

hm.

HHHMMM.

KALADIN IS SO GOOD

HE’S SUCH A GOOD

Mmmmmmmmmm Shallan attempting to do alcohol is. really second-hand embarrassment-y.

I’m very uncomfortable.

someone stop her

I feel like Shallan keeps rolling 2s on her Investigation checks, but then 18s on her Charisma checks to back it up. She’s the worst at this, but she’s convincing anyway.

Also, I looooove that Stormlight clears up alcohol, it’s the best.

EW SHALLAN WTF

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

AAHH WHAT THE. GAAAHH YOU CAN HEAL YOUR HAND BUT HE CAN’T HEAL HIS UGH OH GOD WHY

okay

welp. good to know that everyone is scared of the Ghostbloods....

also maybe she shouldn’t just be spreading that association around quite so freely....

mmmm okay wth. what is the copycat murderer. some kind of illusionist, if they can pretend to be someone else so fully that even the ring impression is there....hmmmmm......

ALSO I FORGOT BUT A LIL BIT AGO, Shallan said something about not ever being able to actually fake being these people until she’d lived their lives or lived among them or smthn, and part of me is like AH GOOD SHE IS LEARNING and part of me is like “congrats on the stunning realization that darkeyes are people too” *rolls eyes*

But no, seriously, I’m glad she’s realizing these things, and at least beginning to understand that she’s coming from a place of hardcore privilege and is starting to understand what that means for her.

God, the fact that Ialai and Sadeas used to ply their political prowess and manipulation powers to get people to fight Dalinar so they could eliminate people without the use of assassins is just like....yeah, OF COURSE the betrayal in Way of Kings went down like it did. That was CLASSIC, that was something they’d probably talked about doing to other people back when they were all friends. That’s exactly the sort of scheme that Sadeas would probably have encouraged Gavilar to pull on any of the highprinces who were refusing to fall in line. And it’s just so...frustrating that Dalinar never, ever thought that those machinations could have fallen on him and his. It’s right there, right there, all along--Sadeas is the crafty one. And Dalinar trusted him anyway, and I’m. Upset.

I’m really glad that we don’t have to worry about him in the present day, but also like. We haven’t heard from Ialai at all this book. Wth is she planning.

Dalinar “Just Wandering Through a Highstorm Looking for My Lost Knife” Kholin really, really needs to chill.

“brought him to life like nothing else but battle” tbh that’s...weirdly romantic. In a creepy punk!Dalinar kind of way.

Listen, the pining for Navani here just makes the ridiculously long delays honor!Dalinar imposed on himself so ridiculous?? like? he loves her SO MUCH AND HE RESISTED SO USELESSLY FOR SO LONG

Just let yourself be happy, my dude. sigh.

THOUGH HE DID AND THEY ARE NOW AND IT’S GREAT AND I’M SO HAPPY

god, Sadeas and Ialai just...sitting on each other. is great.

UGH they loved each other a lot and they were so well-matched, and tbh I’m actually a little sad for her? that he’s dead now? idk how I feel about that.

Also, the number of times that Sadeas has said, “Oh, Dalinar,” in an exasperated and fond tone is just... bi Sadeas confirmed? idk, I don’t really want him in the bi camp. but I’m getting the feeling he belongs here.

EW DALINAR, PLEASE.

DON’T USE THE KNIFE YOU JUST STABBED SOMEONE WITH TO EAT YOUR DINNER. I DON’T CARE THAT YOU WASHED IT OFF IN YOUR WINE EEWW

“He wasn’t going to drink the wine he’d washed the blood into. He wasn’t a barbarian.” Maybe not, but he’s certainly the most Extra son of a gun I’ve ever encountered in a novel. This is wild.

Also, I’m concerned, tbh, about how his relationship with Evi is going to go down. She’s a soft, left-handed baby. Let her live.

OOOHH THE PARSHMEN ARE STARTING TO HEAR THE RHYTHMS!!! they’re real Listeners now!

Kaladin “I’m Mad that I Care About People AGAIN” Stormblessed

what a good human being

I love that every time he comes across of group of people larger than one he’s like “ah! I must teach them how to shelter and fight and protect themselves! but I don’t care about them! Of course I don’t care!! I just want them to be safe and happy and free! it’s not like I CARE about them!”

this boy is the best boy and I will fite you if you say otherwise

Adolin having “messy in just the right way” hair is DELIGHTFUL and I love that Shallan thinks it’s “cute”.

I’m genuinely disappointed to find out that women on Roshar still have periods.

That’s bullshit.

Petition for anyone with Regrowth to go around healing every woman of her cramps on a regular basis, ‘cause that’s TERRIBLE.

#otp: no mating

“When my father explained that good relationships required investment, I don’t think this is what he meant.” Who knew Adolin was good at puns!!?

Adolin cares so much about his soldiers and about soldiers in general, HE’S SO GOOD WHAT A GOOD AAHH

“You sound like your father.” “Nothing wrong with that.” A GOOD, BEAUTIFUL BOY WHO I LOVE VERY MUCH.

OHHH SHIT

WELP

THAT’S. UNEXPECTED BUT ALSO NOT???

Ialai with the Ghostbloods. That. makes a certain amount of sense in that they are both manipulators to the extreme and also EVIL. OMG THIS IS WILD

god, I adore that Rosharans call all birds chickens, it’s. so. good.

but also Mraize with a parrot: why this.

I’m sooooo worried about Adolin investigating...himself. sort of. I just. so worried.

Adolin going OFF ON Ialai HECK YE BOY GET IT

any time he talks about his mom I get emotional, though. how hard must it have been to lose her, and then to...never talk about her? because Dalinar couldn’t remember and didn’t talk about it? THE BOYS ARE SO STRONG AND I LOVE THEM

but also, like. get rekt, Ialai.

I’m. concerned. About the Ghostbloods. my dude, if you really, honestly think you can control the Voidbringers once they fully level up to Voidbringers, you’ve got another thing coming. Isn’t that the whole point of this!? They were bound to parshman form because they COULDN’T be controlled otherwise? What makes him think he and his organization are stronger and more powerful/capable than the Heralds?

Overconfident evil people are. frustrating.

I mean. I shouldn’t be surprised that Ialai is working with Amaram. and I’m. not really. surprised. but I did just hiss at the book when his name appeared.

God, I hate Amaram. Soooo much.

WHY is he here. Why isn’t he dead yet. Why haven’t we killed him yet. ARGH

mmmmmm why did three separate caravans go missing, and please tell me Kaladin isn’t going to get distracted by an investigation into that.....

(I mean, of course he is, but)

strange intelligent golden glow spren is VERY DISCONCERTING. #yikes.

This book is so dense and so intense and SO GOOD. I remember hitting this point of Words of Radiance and being like “eh, not as good as WoK” but like this one!!!! Just keeps! going!! in all these amazing ways!!! this book is so just...WOW.

[klanced]

Hi! I really like your account and I had a couple questions. I'm starting high school soon and I'm kinda worried over it and some other things, do you have any tips or advice? If you don't that's fine. Oh and, who's your favorite paladin?

Hi hi back!! Thank u for the kind words!!! :3c And to answer your question, if I had to choose a favorite Paladin, it would probably be Allura! I love Keith but by GOD he frustrates me sometimes. Anyway, onto the advice!!

Middle school and high school are VERY different, but the differences tend to be either incredibly obvious or more subtle. Like, the kind of subtleness where you’re in sophomore year and you look around you and you think ‘hm. Sixth grade feels very far away.’

Because you’re starting high school I’ll only focus on freshman year, if that’s okay!

For the most part, freshman year is like a underhand throw. They’re trying to ease you into things. High school, after all, means waking up at the most ridiculous hour of your life, depression, and puberty Really starting to take off. For the most part, adults know that you’re going through more stuff than school at the moment. But it’s up to the individual teacher to decide how understanding they’re going to be.

Now where to start… How about academics? If you care about your grades, freshman year is essential for starting off on the right foot. Most of your science/math/English placement was probably decided in middle school, but your freshman year is where you prove where you belong. Basically: you will probably stay at that level of math/science/English for all four years of high school unless you bust your ass and study and move up. (And by that, I don’t mean moving up a math level during the school year, I mean qualifying for honors math for sophomore year, etc.)

If you don’t really care about that sort of thing, okay. But if you want to be in all honors classes or AP classes for your junior and senior year, you need to start working immediately. My biggest regret of high school is that I spent my freshman/sophomore/part of junior year working in an aimless direction, and just went with the flow. Which was fine at the time, but it came back to bite me in the ass once I reached the end of my junior year and started the college process. You don’t have to commit yourself to one specific college from the moment you turn 14. But if you want to go to a good college, or if you want to win scholarships, you have to start planning and working towards that. I don’t mean to give you a lot of anxiety, but my high school was Very competitive and honestly pretty toxic, and it’s influenced my viewpoint.

On a lighter note, take the time to look at all the available classes, even the ones you can’t take yet. If you like biology, consider taking honors/AP bio as an upperclassmen, and plan accordingly for that. What prerequisites do I need to complete? Do I have to be at a specific level for math/science? When am I eligible for the class? That sort of thing.

Also: finish your requirements as fast as possible!!! I hate art classes, and I put them off until my junior year, which was a Mistake because junior/senior year is The Year Of Electives. Well, at least in my school. So instead of taking tons of cool electives, I had to take this goddamn photoshop class to fulfill my requirement. Freshman year me was thrilled about having a free period every day; junior year me cursed my fourteen-year-old self. God. Hindsight really is 20/20.

Another thing… teachers! Try to be kind to your teachers. Unless they’re raging assholes who spit toxic one-liners or seem to single you out in class just to embarrass you. Those teachers can burn in hell. But for the most part, high school teachers are either pretty nice or completely neutral. Any supposed ‘evilness’ will most likely be your angsty hormonal self projecting on them. For example, I hated my freshman year geometry teacher. I thought she was a b word, I thought she was incapable of teaching, I thought she was annoying. In hindsight, I was just shitty at geometry and took out my frustration on her. I joined my classmates in mocking her and the class behind her back, and my convinced 'holier than thou’ self decided I was too important to ever stoop to the level of asking her for help. Because of my big ego, I only got a B+ in math, and it started a pattern for the rest of high school.

Like… there’s honestly no point in making fun of teachers. Yeah, it’s fun to do, and it helps you bond with classmates but… it also gets in the way of you asking for help. Which, by the way, I cannot emphasize enough: always ask for help. Especially during your first few weeks of school, because again: freshman year will set a lot of patterns for the rest of your high school career. It is essential that you ask for help. Sure, your teacher scribbled some comments in the margins of you B- paper, but she was also grading 30+ other papers at the same time. Do you really think her comments are deep enough for you to fully understand where you went wrong? Ask to meet with her, comb over your paper with her, and walk away with a better understanding of how to write papers. Advice and knowledge like this can only help you in the long run. Suck up your pride and push it down; you’ll be better for it.

I focused a lot on academics so let me touch on some other things… like puberty! For the most part, that ball started rolling for everybody back in middle school. But it’s in high school that you really start to see those hormones get expressed. Everyone goes through puberty, and life, at their own pace. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re falling behind, but you’re not. It’s not a competition. This would be the world’s shittiest race otherwise. Don’t worry about others, and focus on yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable asking questions about your changing body (because lord knows the American education system will never have an actually effective sex Ed course), google it!! There are always answers for those who search them out. Again: worry about yourself.

Another thing: friends! High school is a place where you’re going to meet a lot of new people all at once. You will make new friends. It’s statistically impossible for you to not make a new friend. If you want to speed up the process, join clubs! You’re a freshman, so no one actually expects you to maintain a totally active presence. Do what you can, drop what you can’t, and carry on. Also: the people you were friends with in middle school may not stay friends with you in high school. I ended up drifting away from most of my middle school friends; I still hang out with them, but we’ve lost a lot of closeness. It’s sad, but it happens, and the only thing you can do is move forward. Every lost friendship makes room for two new ones. I can honestly say that the bonds I made in high school were 10x stronger than the ones I made in middle school. And any close friendships I kept from middle school also became 10x stronger by senior year. My theory is that everyone is their worst self during middle school :p if your group can survive that, you can survive anything.

Finally… some health tips! Take care of yourself. It’s important to try to eat as healthy as you can as early as you can. Again, and I know I’m repeating myself, it helps you in the long run. Make sure to drink plenty of water and do not. I repeat, do NOT. Pull all-nighters when you don’t have to. The all-nighters I pulled during middle and early high school have ruined me. Also, don’t drink coffee. You will get addicted. All my friends are coffee addicts and it’s honestly disturbing how much they rely on a simple beverage. Drink hot chocolate instead, if you must! I love Dunkin’ Donuts. :3c

Anyway, this is a bunch of general advice/tips. If there’s something specific that’s bothering you, feel free to hit up my dms at any point!! I may not be fast, but I’m sure to respond. I like helping :3c

[purplesurveys]

141

Took a survey back in 2013, re-answering it, then going to compare my answers between those four years. Let’s go.

Is there an ex you think about everyday? No. Now: Technically I kinda do. I had an ex, but we’ve since gotten back together and I think of her all the time now. Look at 15 year old me saying no, aww.

Who is the last person that you said I love you to, besides family members? Punk. Hahahaha. Now: Gabie, saying goodnight last night.

Are you mad at anyone right now? In a way. Now: Nope. It’s 5:29 AM, it’s too early to be mad about something right now.

Is there one thing all of your ex’s had in common? …Hey, you know what’s amazing?!! I don’t have exes, so stop with these questions!!! Now: HAAAAAH getting snappy there, self, aren’t we? Then again my answer is still none, so.

What’s a compliment you receive often? A lot of people say that I’m a good writer and I would be an excellent journalist one day. And I appreciate every compliment like that. It’s what I aim for in the first place. Now: ^ I still get that on a regular basis, but nowadays I don’t even want to become a journalist anymore. Tastes change.

Have you ever had a friend that got a bf/gf,and then completely ignored you? She didn’t get a boyfriend, just a new set of friends; and yeah, she did start kind of ignoring me, which really sucks considering that I’ve been friends with her for almost a decade now, then all of a sudden we pass by each other in corridors without even saying hi to each other. Now: Yeah I remember that brief period between me and Angela. That really sucked, and was the reason why I was mostly alone in freshman year. But to answer this question, no it still hasn’t happened. Angela’s gotten a boyfriend through the months, but Hans and I are very close; he runs to me when he needs advice concerning Angela.

What summer was the best of your entire lifetime? I don’t really know, all my summers suck since I’m always stuck at home. Now: I’ve never been able to have a good summer - all of them have a dark period attached to them, where my depression worsens and I stay locked in my room.

Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? - Now: I already have. It was a huge risk, but one I enjoy today.

Who was the last person to comfort you when you were upset or crying? Sari and Sophia. Now: ^ HAHAHA this survey was answered during intramurals season I bet. I would never even associate with Sophia, but we were teammates in table tennis and she probably comforted me when I lost one of my games. Shudders thinking about it. Anyway the last person was Gab.

What would you name a baby girl if you had one? I’m too young to think of that! However I really admire the name Lorraine, and as an homage to AJ Lee, I also got my eyes on the name Jeanette. Now: Still too young to think of that, but my picks have changed. Nowadays I’m looking at the names Olivia and Arden, buuut Jeanette is still promising.

Do you want to get married? Meh. Now: Welp, I do now.

What does your last recieved text say? - Now: i’m charging my phone on the other side of the room, so I don’t know. The last I remember getting said, “I love you.”

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be? Singapore. Now: Ugh, same. Singapore is always a good idea. But I just want to stay where I am for the time being...my family’s preparing to leave for Vigan at 6 in the freaking morning and they are being so hectic right now. I just want to stay here first and chill for a sec, but since it’s a 10-hour road trip they wanna go as early as possible to avoid the traffic greeting us when we get back to Manila.

Do you prefer to text or talk on the phone? I like texting, but this is kind of a problem since I don’t own a phone haha. Now: Texting is easier. Plus it’s never my choice to talk to anyone on the phone unless it’s with Gab.

Whats the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? …Hm. I’m not sure. I’m usually not myself when I’m mad/hurt, so I might’ve said some pretty mean stuff without realizing it. Now: I don’t know. I think mean things all the time, but I never immortalize them into words.

What was your favorite walt disney movie as a child? Dumbo. Even though I run out of tissues every time. Now: ^ I didn’t even...watch that movie... as a kid? What made my 15 year old ass answer that lol. My favorite was and is actually Toy Story.

What will your last words be when you die? It’s too early to ask this, don’t you think? Now: Welp I just want to be able to say I love you to the people who have deserved it, no more profound messages or important revelation before I go.

What was the worst day of your life? I don’t know. There’s been a lot of bad days. Now: There have been many days. I don’t want to go back to them since I’m not particularly suicidal right now.

Do you know anyone that’s gotten an abortion before? No. Now: Not that I know of.

Do you think you could forgive someone for cheating on you? No. If he’s already showed his lack of loyalty, rest assured he’s going to do it again in the future. Now: Look at me being straight before, with that ‘he.’ I’ve always said I would always hold it against them, but with Gabie coming around I’ve slowly learned to forgive. So ultimately I don’t really know, and I won’t know how I would react until it has happened to me. 

Who is the last person you argued with? Some kid from school named Lyka. Now: My mom.

Have you ever been arrested? I have never been in trouble with the law. Now: ^ Pretty much.

Who was the last person your gave your number to? - Now: A group mate in geography class who needed to ask for it.

Why do you hate your ex? - Now: Yep, same answer.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? - Now: Yeah, she’s still the last person I kissed.

Do you have a picture of you kissing someone? - Now: It’s from a photobooth, but yes. We’ve never had other people take kissing pictures of us because why the heck?

Are you hard to please? Kind of…? Now: I dunno what I was on back then but I’m very easy to please nowadays. I guess it’s because I’ve been more depressed since and am desperate to look for ways to be happy.

Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Now: Sure have. 15 year old me would be shook at all these crazy answers.

Who was the last person to comment one of your pictures? I don’t post pictures much–oh, wait, I think it was Shoks. Now: LOL Shoks, god this survey is disgustingly old. I haven’t been on social media for the past three weeks, so I’ve gotten no comments on anything at all.

What does the 3rd text message in your inbox say? No phone. Now: The third to the last one I got was Gabie complaining how her mom snores so loud lol. Like she didn’t get that from her.

Why did your last relationship end? - Now: She was being complicated. She didn’t have her priorities lined up properly and I ended up being thrown out of the picture completely.

Have you learned from your past mistakes? Yes. Now: For the most part, yes. Sometimes my mental condition makes me repeat where I go wrong, though; such as in uncalled for behavior and comments.

Who’s the last guy you hugged? One of my cousins, I think. But that was a super long time ago. Now: Probably Hans. He’s the only guy I’ve hung out with for the past few weeks or so.

Who’s the last girl you hugged? I would say the entire high school, but I didn’t participate in the group hug last Wednesday haha. Hmm. I think it was Gabie. Now: LOL still Gabie.

Do you tend to go for older or younger when looking for someone to date? I’m more into older guys. Just ask my sister HAHAHA she knows the age gaps between myself and the people I have crushes on! Now: Ugh stop talking so much about men, self; you had no idea what was coming for you :(( Realistically though my preference has always been people my age. I tend to feel uncomfortable when I’m around older and younger people.

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? No because it’s never happened??? Now: Yes. I was shaking and shivering and nervous on my bed.

Would you ever use anyone for money? Of course not. Now: No. Who asks this in a survey lol?

Have you ever been used? I probably have, but I don’t know what for.. Probably because I’m too nice.. Whatever. <- LOL this is so me. Now: ^ Still holds true. I mean it’s probably happened already, but like they said I probably never even noticed it.

When do you want to get married? I’ll know it when I’m ready. Now: ^ That pretty much wraps it up.

Who was the last person to make you cry? Ate Megan because I love her so much huhuhuhuhuhuhu Now: My mom, because she was being mean to me again.

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? AJPUNK Now: I miss AJPunk. Nowadays, no one, really; other than my girlfriend who is an obvious choice there hasn’t been anybody else.

Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? CM Punk? Jk, heheh. Now: Nope.

Do you have more guy or girl friends? Girl. I only have two guy friends. Now: Definitely more girl friends.

Have you ever cheated on anyone? I haven’t, and I never will. Cheating is such a dick move and I’ll never forgive myself if I do cheat. Now: ^ And that was such a dick thing to say by a 15 year old. No I haven’t, and for the most part it is not okay, unless there’s like a very specific situation that makes it the least bit acceptable.

Have you ever cried over an ex? - Now: Yes.

Do you believe that the last person that you kissed cares for you? - Now: Of course.

Do you have any kids or want any in the future? I want one kid. Now: Stillllll want one kid.

Do you think your pretty? My pretty what? Now: High school me was a fucking smartass.

What did you dress up as last Halloween? I dressed up as GM!AJ. Now: I wasn’t able to celebrate Halloween last year since I was quite caught up with the workload of the first semester. Plus if I remember correctly, I also had a bout of depression at that time. Nothing seemed exciting to me then. 

What hair color do you prefer on the opposite sex? Brown, or black. Now: I don’t have a preference for the opposite sex.

What about eye color? Hazel. Now: LOL I only said hazel because Punk’s eyes are that shade. What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!???!

Is there anyone in your life who you won’t ever want to lose? My best friend. Now: My best friends.

Are you evil? Maybe? Now: ^ Thanks for scaring people off with that one. No I’m not.

Do you judge people when you first meet them? A lot of people are guilty of this, I’m pretty sure. Now: I do, but I shrug it off the second I start thinking of judgments.

Have you ever got caught cheating on a test? No. Now: Nope. I only ever did it one time, and I still hate myself for doing so.

How old do people tell you that you look? 15-16. Now: They never really tell me anything to my face, but I know I look considerably younger than what I’m supposed to be.

Relationship between you and the last person you texted? - Now: In a relationship.

Will your next kiss be a mistake? - Now: No.

Have you ever worn an oxygen mask? Nope. Now: Nope. I mean I hope I’m never in a situation where I have to, because that means it’s bad.

What would make your life perfect? World peace. Also, just to be a little selfish, when I meet AJ and Punk. Now: If sleep wasn’t so difficult to achieve.

What song do you want to be played at your funeral? Too soon to ask this. Now: The first song that came to mind was Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, but I dunno.

How many swear words are in the song you’re listening to? None. Paramore doesn’t really make use of swear words in their songs. Now: I’m not listening to music right now.

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Now: I don’t remember anymore, it’s been three weeks.

Who did you like this time last year? Punk hihihi jk Now: ^ P a t h e t i c lol. My girlfriend.

Have you ever kissed anyone of the same sex and if so who? Nope. Now: Since answering this survey four years ago, yes I have. I’ve mentioned her too many a time at this point.

What color do you dye your hair? I don’t dye it since my school doesn’t allow it. Once I graduate I’ll probably dye it green. Now: Yeah I still haven’t dyed my hair ever.

Did anything annoy you today? It’s only 7:13 AM. Let’s see. Now: A little. My phone’s battery acted up early this morning and despite being plugged in and charging, it remained 1% for like an hour. Bugged me to near death and I felt restless until I saw it finally increase. But for the rest of the day, no not really.

Has anyone ever said they loved you and not meant it? I don’t know. Maybe. Now: Probably in the past.

Do you still care about the person you first kissed? - Now: Yes.

Is trust an issue you have? It’s a problem, but it’s not very serious. Now: I don’t know what I was talking about there, because I’ve always been very trusting with people. It’s earning my trust back that is difficult.

Have any of your family members been to jail? No. Now: Not that I know of.

Are you wearing any rings right now? Nope. Now: No, I don’t wear any rings.

Who did you last tell to ‘shut up’? My sister, as a joke, of course. Now: Maybe Gab when she woke me up from my nap a while ago but idk.

Who took a picture with you last? Ate Megan, Maica, AJ and Ate Abby. Now: Aww those were the participants in the table tennis tournament I played in when I was either a freshie or a sophie, I don’t remember. The last people now was my family.

Would you ever get a tattoo of a boyfriend/girlfriends name? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure yet. Now: I’d rather get something significant that’s like a shoutout to them. Like a film reel/X-Files/San Junipero tattoo because she likes those, but never her name.

Is there any drama in your life right now? Honestly? There is, kind of. Now: No. I wouldn’t call my illness drama.

Are you close to your mother? No. Now: No.

Are you one of those girls who already have baby names picked out? No. Now: No not picked out as in those are the very names I’ll stick with, order included; but I just have some favorites singled out already. Then again they may still change through time, so I’m never entirely sure about them.

Do you know someone who’s a stripper? Nope. Now: No I don’t.

Do you think guys with long hair are attractive? Only those who can pull it off. Now: I don’t really find guys attractive.

Who’s the last person you heard swear? Brendon Urie haha. Now: Ferris Bueller.

Are any of your siblings taller than you? My younger sister is a little taller than me. Now: YES THEY ARE BOTH TALLER THAN ME NOW WHY.

Who’s the last person that you smiled at? My…dog. Now: Possibly my dad.

Do you think anyone hates you? Oh, right now, especially with the drama going on? I definitely think so. Now: ^ Holy shit I remember that, and boy do I not want to remember that lmao. No, not nowadays.

Can you open up to others easily? Huh, I guess. Now: Yes. For the most part, it’s the kind of thing like as long as you ask me directly about me and my life, then I will answer you as openly as I can. I’ve never really had any serious reservations about that.

Is anyone angry with you at the moment? Pretty sure. Now: I’m sure there isn’t.

Do you believe in giving second chances? Depends on how big or serious the mistake was. Now: I don’t give out second chances unless the person happens to mean a great deal to me.

Who did you last talk to on AIM? LOLAIM. Now: ^ Same.

Have you ever scared someone so badly that they cried? Yes. Now: Yeah. I used to scare my brother when he was very young.

When was the last time you wore high heels? Last August. Now: This past Friday actually. I was playing around in my closet and found old stilettos that I used to regularly wear, so I tried them on just because. I reeeeally miss wearing high heels.

When was the last time you were extremely upset? Just last Monday. Now: Saturday.

Is there someone that you want to hurt right now? Not really. Now: No.

Have you graduated high school yet? No. I’m graduating in two years. Now: Yeah, I graduated March last year.

[skiasurveys]

sex sex sex sex.

1. What’s your favorite position and why? i like doggy style a lot because i dont know it just feels really great and its pretty dominating..but i also like missionary but its boring but i like it when i want to feel “romantic”. lmao.

2. How did you lose your virginity? If you’re still a virgin, is there any specific reason?  I lost my virginity at 19. Basically I was preparing to bang my boyfriend ( my current one!) but I was super nervous ( I already had some trauma from the past). I was scared and stuff and so we tried and I was like Idk man im scared. Then later that night we just started to kiss and make out and he asked if I wanted to try again and I said sure so I got naked blah blah, I was sitting on him kissing hm and then bam he fucked me but it felt really awesome and nice, didn’t hurt because he was slow at it and then he fucked me from behind after i got used to it lol. Great times. That was like a year ago!

3. If you could have sex with any porn star or model, who would it be?  i dont know any porn stars and im not attracted to any models either.

4. What’s one thing in particular that makes you want to tear off your lover’s clothes? Sometimes if he looks at me a certain way or if were doing something . Or if he starts touching my thighs and/or kissing my neck 

5. Five turn ons. 1. Strong looking/masculine 2.Taller than me but no taller than 6′3 3. kissing my neck. 4. man handeling me (without being too aggressive).5. showing me off ( Not like “OH LOOK WHAT I HAVE” but being proud you have me. 6. Five turn offs. 1. Being an asshole. 2.Acting like you don’t care about me when youre around others. 3.Racist/sexist/etc 4.Creepy. 5.Hating my friends

7. Have you had any embarrassing sexual experiences?   its so embarrassing.. so I had just finished my period ( OR so i thought) and we started to fuck and it was going well.. after we finished he was like “Um i think you still have your period.” and Im like “what?” and yeah there was blood on his dick and I legit ran and cried in the bathroom like a little bitch LOL. He came after me and said it was fine and that hes done more awkward shit but DUDE...

8. Do you have a fetish? not really. I like calling my boyfriend daddy in the bedroom but i dont like the ddlg fetish at all. 

9. Have you experimented with anyone of the same sex?  no 10. What’s “out of bounds” for you during sex?  Choking, or tying me up, or like bondage stuff. I just have a severe panic attack if that happens and I dont like it and I had trauma so its actually triggering.

11. What’s the best sexual unsolicited advice you can give?  Just dont fuck them if youre not ready. 

12. Hickies - get ‘em or give ‘em? both

13. Do you like giving head? im that weird girl who actually enjoys sucking cock

14. Do you like getting head? yes 

15. What’s one thing you look for in a partner?  loyalty and companionship. 

16. How many partners have you had?  1 and im still with him :)

17. What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

18. If you’re bi/pansexual, what gender do you tend to prefer? n/a

19. Describe the best sex you’ve ever had.  Theres a few. It usually is when he goes hardcore with teasing me and kissing me. One time he was kissing me and teasing me. He ate me out for a bit which was amazing, and the he kissed me from my tummy to my lips, and he fucked me hard but slow and said I love you which was awesome. But i also had one where He was teasing me and doing lots of foreplay and he told me he owned me and that he wanted all of me and then he fucked me so good. especially when he cums inside me. MMMMM.

20. Describe the worst sex you’ve ever had. It wasnt bad but I just have depression and sometimes it hits me when were fucking and  i lost my sex drive and just didnt care and it didnt last that long but i lied i orgasmed so he could finish because i wasnt feeling it lol

21. Have you ever had a funny sexual experience? What was it? i dont know. Im sure. 22. Are you okay with rough sex?  Yess just not too rough ok!

23. How big was the biggest dick you’ve ever seen? Was it in a porn or in real life? well i mean guys in porn always have huge dicks but my boyfriend is the only one Ive had and he is pretty big.

24. Boobs or ass - which is better? ass. 25. Do you prefer sex or masturbation? sex i hate masturbating.

26. Describe how you usually masturbate. ill leave that for your imagination. 

27. Do you like tattoos on a partner or do you like them to have a clean slate, skin wise?  i dont care. either or.

28. How do you feel about daddy dom/little girl roleplaying? some people go a little too far with it. Like for example actually acting like they are 4 years old in public. You can leave it to the bedroom, please.

29. What’s your fantasy?  pay off my student loans.

30. Do you have any sexual regrets? no

31. When did you last have sex? april 1st before Connor moved! He will be back in the end of May or start of June so it will be a while before we have sex again :(

32. When did you last masturbate? last night

33. Have you had anal? yeah. Its ‘ight. 

34. Do you like to spank/be spanked?  i like to be spanked.

35. What do you want done to you right now?  well since  I havent seen my boyfriend in like a month i would love it for him to just push me against a wall. mmm.

36. Are you comfortable with getting tied up? no

37. Did you have sex in high school? nope. No one really liked me back then. I had like 2 boyfriends then and it was shitty then. I met Connor the fall after i graduated. Hilarious.

38. How old were you when you lost your virginity? How long has it been? 19 years old and its been a year now.

39. Do you like teasing or would you rather get straight to the point? teasing.

40. Sexting or phone sex?  ive done both. sexting is fun but phone sex can be pretty hot. I just dont like phone sex..i rather sext tbh

41. Have you had sex in any interesting places? One time we were hanging at our friends place and everyone had gone to bed and Connor was cuddling me on their couch and he said , “ I bet its just bothering you that you cant touch me” and im like whatever idc and then hes like “lets lowkey fuck” so we fucked on their couch while they were sleeping! It was pretty fun but nervous cus if someone walked out. oh god..and then we fucked behind a couch like 3 times while there was a party going on. cool.

42. Are you sexually active?  i guess so. since he moved its hard to say but its only for short time.

43. Have you had car sex? no our car is too small for that. but i want to.

44. Have you ever had sex with anyone else in the location you were at? (i.e., while your sister was in the other room) yes..see above

45. Why aren’t you fucking anyone right now? well the only person i would fuck is in a nother city obvs so thats why.

46. Are you able to have emotionless sex? not rly

47. Does penis size really matter? yes

48. What has been your most memorable experience sexually? theres a lot

49. If male, are you well endowed? n/a

50. If female, what’s your breast size?  34 B cup.

51. Have you ever been the other person? no

52. Have you ever cheated on anyone?  no!

53. Describe an orgasm.  i just felt really weird and shakey but it felt so good.

54. What’s the longest time you’ve had sex for? I dont really keep count.

55. What’s the shortest time you’ve had sex for?  like 5 minutes. -___-

56. If you could change the person you lost your virginity to, would you?  no

57. Have you had any pregnancy scares? Yeah kinda. my one period didnt come once and i was so scared. I bought like 3  sticks.

58. Are you comfortable naked?  kinda. Ive been with Connor for a year now and I still feel awkward naked. lol

59. Are you comfortable sending pictures of yourself to others? depends.

60. What’s your sexual comfort zone like?just dont do rape play.

61. What’s something sexual that you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up liking?  i cant think of anything

62. Do you have any piercings in fun places? (i.e., clit, nipples, dick) no

63. Would you say you’re good in bed?  i think so.

64. How do you get sex tips? internet or i ask him how he wants me to do something. like i ask him if he likes what im doing and he will tell me how he wants it.

65. Have you ever had sex with anyone while they were on their period? Have you ever had sex while on your period?  no except that one time when i thought i was fkn done but i wasnt. kill myself.

66. If you could be the other sex for a day, would you and what would you do first? idk.

67. What’s your favorite part about being the gender you are? I dont know really. I can buy cute drinks without looking dumb?

68. Slow but passionate, or fast, furious, and kinky? slow but passionate. But also depends on the mood or whatever because sometimes i want rough, sometimes i don’t.

69. Have you ever 69’d? Did you enjoy it?  yes but it feels too good to suck him while hes eating me out.

70. Have you ever done drugs and then had sex?  weed

71. Have you ever had sex with someone you’re in love with? yes

72. How are you with BDSM? Would you ever engage in it?  nope.

73. Do you like gagging on cock/having someone gag on your cock? Why?  i love gagging on his cock.

74. When it comes to oral, are you gentle? Do you use your hands too? gentle. i dont want to hurt him but if i do go hard kinda. and yeah i used my hands.

75. Okay, how do you feel about handjobs?  sometimes i do hand jobs but its only when im making him hard. Lol.

76. Have you had any unwanted pain during sex? yeah.

77. What is something that’s not sexual that can turn you on more than anything sexual?  arms? 78. Can your sexual partners be categorized by their zodiac signs? no

79. Have you had sex to music? What’s your favorite sex song? we fucked to Wish you were here by Pink Floyd.

80. What’s something you want to try in bed?  i dont know.

81. Has anyone drew blood from you during sex, whether it was by cutting, biting, or scratching? How did you feel about that? no. if there was blood from biting/scratching/etc i would feel awful.

82. Have you ever fucked someone who was sad? Did it help them emotionally or make it worse? I have fucked him when he was sad and it helped and same for me sometimes it makes me feel way better.

83. Do you like sexual anons? no

84. What’s your ideal round of sex?  i dont know.

85. Do you like the use of whipped cream, handcuffs, chocolate, and cherries?  nope.

86. Have you ever been walked in on or caught?  almost got caught.

87. Have you ever had sex in public? Would you? yes and i would.

88. What’s a good sex joke?  i dont know. 89. Do you like to be called a dirty slut or would you rather be treated like royalty?  i love it when he calls me a slut but theres a time and place during sex when i want to be slutty and then loved LMAO.

90. Are you more submissive or dominant? sub 91. What’s your naughtiest secret? i almost fucked a 33 year old when i was 18.

92. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve encountered sexually?  i cant think of anyting

93. Have you ever “stuck your dick in crazy”? Was there a lesson learned?

94. Do you like playing with balls/having someone play with yours? i like playing with them because he loves it. 

95. What’s the best nonsexual feeling?  feeling safe and loved by them.

96. Do you like feet? ew 97. Do you look at rule 34/hentai? ew....

98. Pick a random question off this survey for yourself. N/A 99. Who’s your ideal sexual partner? MY BOYFRIEND.

100. Do you have a partner right now? Would you like one? have my boyfriend :) 101. Are you accepting “applications” for a partner?  um no

[vrheadsets]

VR vs. A Time To Switch Off

It was late in the evening as I causally paced around my living room trying to burn off some nervous energy. I always pace when I’m on the phone, I think the only time I haven’t was when the thing was when the phone was physically attached to the wall – and I don’t mean by the landline. I hummed lightly and frowned, adjusting the phone in my grip slightly.  I hadn’t spoken to the person on the other end, my mother in well over a week. We’re close so this was unusual. I was running her through how I was and what had happened during the usual period of invisibility that working on the website from home during a major event (or in the case of last week, two) brings.

“Oh I saw an advert for that, it looks a bit rubbish doesn’t it?”

I had just explained about (almost) everyone’s joy over the launch of Nintendo Switch. T he latest, hottest games console on the market. She explained to me she’d seen 1-2-Switch in action and thought it looked ridiculous, whilst the console itself she thought looked a bit cheap in construction. Tho not owning a Switch myself (my current setup consists of an Xbox One and a Wii which is pretty much just used as a rectangular Game Cube at the moment) I defended it a little, explaining how Breath of the Wild had been deemed to have overtaken Ocarina of Time as the best Legend Of Zelda game ever. That got her attention, she knew all about Zelda and whilst not a gamer by any stretch of the imagination, much preferring casual titles from PopCap she’s gotten hands on with consoles down the years. A particular favourite of hers was actually the original Super Monkey Ball. But Ocarina of Time she also knew about, and if something had beaten that… she gave a small but impressed sounding ‘ooh’ of surprise/acknowledgement.

“Yeah.” I said, “They’ve also done this weird thing with the cartridges. They’ve made them taste bad.”

“Taste bad?”

“Yeah.” I said again, “They’re small – like a little memory card. So to prevent small children from maybe picking them up and swallowing them they’ve added something to the plastic that makes it taste really foul.”

“That’s some clever thinking ahead from them.”

– and that was when I started to think. It was some pretty clever thinking ahead – which makes you wonder why a company able to have that much foresight of a potential issue that no one even considered in the run-up to launch, how they continue to make such a hash of everything else. Oh, I could talk about things such as the way the shop works or the silliness of a system that gets interference from wifi and other signals needing a smartphone app to have in-game chat – but check the name of the site again and you might figure out what I’m going to get at here.

Nintendo’s virtual reality (VR) history has, as if we need reminding, not been the best; and despite their protestations about experiences needing to be for the family or needing to be playable for hours at length it’s clear the failure of the Virtua Boy and it’s decent into a joke over the years is still very painful to them.  (As is the short lifespan of the Wii U.) But unfortunately for Nintendo, VR is back and is a factor now in how people play games. A factor that isn’t going to go away. A factor… that will get stronger over time. So in much the same a child drags its feet and yells “I DON’T WANNA”, Nintendo are going to look at adding VR to the Switch… maybe…kinda. Sort of? Definitely! No? Never. Of course! (Possibly.) Yes. Not sure. Ask again next week. At this point I just imagine it’s whatever the Magic 8-ball on Reggie’s desk says.

So if it does happen,  it’s going to be a later add-on for the system.

Which is a slight problem, because when was the last add-on or peripheral to a console that properly worked and became an indispensable piece of kit? Kinect? Not really. EyeToy? Nope. SEGA CD? Perhaps, but you could certainly live without it. The Atari Jaguar CD? You’re kidding right? Wonderbook? You’re just being silly now. What about Nintendo’s own repertoire of add-ons down the years. Was the world blown away by the Family Computer Disk System, or the Famicom 3D System? Did the Super Scope or R.O.B change everything? Did the Nintendo 64DD become a red hot topic?

No, no and no.

Add-ons tend at best disappoint and at worst suck, and it is rare indeed to find one that truly enhances a console. One that doesn’t is the PlayStation VR, and why is that? Well for a start the PlayStation VR was developed over many years. It began life as Project Morpheus as you no doubt recall, built on some existing technology and developed into the final product now available at stores – unless they’ve run out of them. It was designed and developed in sympathy with the PlayStation 4 as opposed to support just being shoe-horned in later. It’s why PSVR is an add-on that works.

And that’s why Nintendo, now they’ve let loose the Switch into the world, at this stage should probably just knock the idea of a VR system on the head for now. Because whatever they do (if they decide to do anything) with the Switch hardware it won’t be anywhere near as efficient as if they developed something standalone or something in partnership with something else it is to go with. If you completed two thirds of a jigsaw of, let’s say, a picture of a battleship at sea. You couldn’t then fill in the rest with bits from a jigsaw of John Constable’s The Hay Wain, and pretend it showed you a full or true picture. Yes, you can probably make the pieces fit, but you’ll still have the first jigsaw at the heart of it. It won’t be what’s required.

Also, you’ll have some mighty surprised sailors and country folk on your hands when the HMS Revenge comes steaming in to a small river and knocks a 19th century hay cart flying.

It would be nice to be surprised, yes. But a half-baked VR solution for Switch doesn’t do the Switch any favours, it doesn’t do Nintendo any favours and it doesn’t do VR as a whole any favours. It may irk the shareholders for now but at this stage the smartest move might be to sit this particular dance out. Learn what needs to be learnt, acquire and develop the technology needed and start developing a long term plan that includes VR for the next Nintendo.

  from VRFocus http://ift.tt/2nabscm

[katalyria]

1. What's your middle name, and do you like it? -Marie, I it’s my second favorite name. 

2. are you artistic? -is water wet?

3. Have you had your first kiss? -ha nope

4. What is your life goal? -To be successful and happy.

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? -do voice actors count? I’ve met some pretty cool voice actors like J. Michael Tatum, Vic Mignogna, Brina Palencia, and Trina Nishimura.

6. Do you play any sports? -used to play softball

7. What's your worst fear? -failing at what I want to do the most.

8. Who's your biggest inspiration? -Ed Sheeran, that man knows what life is about. 

9. Do you have any cool talents? -I guess that singing is considered a talent, idk if it’s cool tho.

10. are you a morning person? -mornings can suck my butt

11. How do you feel about pet names? -uhm I like them, just don’t be like weird about it idk;;

12. Do you like to read? -I like the idea of reading but it puts me to sleep cause I suck;;

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. -Parks and Rec, Supernatural, Doctor Who, That ‘70s Show, SAO

14. Do you care about your follower count? -not the number, the people yes.

15. What's the best dream you've had? -I had me a mans.

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender? -kinda? idk I was kid and we were playing house so I don’t count it.

17. Do you have any pets? -5 actually, 2 cats and 3 dogs.

18. Are you religious? -fuck no

19. Are you a people person? -I like people but only in moderation

20. Are you considered popular? -absolutely not

21. What is one of your bad habits? -eating when I’m bored

22. What's something that makes you feel vulnerable -talking to someone I have a past with.

23. What would you name your children? -Paisley and I haven’t thought about a masculine name yet

24. Who's your celebrity crush? -Jay Park. boi.

25. What's your best subject? -History and English

26. Dogs or cats? -cats

27. most used social media besides tumblr? -always on twitter @littlebitofkat

28. best friends name -Andrea

29. who does your main family consist of -Mom, Dad, older sister, little brother.

30. Chocolate or sugar -uh sugar?

31. have you ever been on a date? -lets tell the boy I curved that I have.

32. Do you like roller coasters? -indeed

33. Can you swim? -mild aqua phobia, so I don’t go under water.

34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse? -cry

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder? -depression

36. Are your parents together? -yup

37. What's your favorite color? -black and white but I also like purple, and red so idk

38. What country are you from/do you live in? -The United(divided) States

39. Favorite singer? -yet again, Ed Sheeran

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day? -actually yes.

41. Do you like dresses? -crying because it’s cold and I want to wear one

42. Favorite song right now? -Bad Things by the one that got kicked out of 5H

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? -not really

44. How old were you when you first got your period? -12

45. Have you ever shot a gun? -nope

46. Have you ever done yoga? -yes and it was incredible

47. Are you a horror girl? -idk what that means but it sounds fun

48. Are you good at giving advice? -I try

49. Tell us a story about your childhood. -one time I ran out of my house naked while my neighbor had guests.

50. How are you doing today? -pretty ok

51. Were you a cute kid? -I’m not even a cute teenager.

52. Can you dance? -when my director asks me to

53. Is there anything you do that you can't remember ever not doing? -singing

54. Have you ever dyed your hair? -nope

55. What color are your eyes? -blue/ with a little green in there

56. What's your favorite animal? -cats

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself? -is that even a question?

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? -yep

59. Do you have good friends? -the Farquad Star Squad is real

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group? -most of my online friends are gay and I love them 

61. What's your favorite class? -History

62. List all the tv shows you are watching. Parks and Rec (re-watching cause I have no time)

63. Are you organized? -in a messy way that only I understand

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion? -god it’s been a long time, probably Finding Dory, it was Gucci 

67. Which tv character do you relate to most? -Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec.

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness? -my location, my appearance, my financial status, and my skills.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing? -helping people

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die? -probably nothing 

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you? -speak my mind and act myself around everyone

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently? -learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes, and to be active as a kid

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one? -yeah

74. When was the last time you traveled somewhere new? -went to Hermann MO a few weeks ago

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? -my bed and wifi

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today? -today I set goals for my musical passions, yesterday I got my learners permit so I could focus on music without feeling guilty.

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid? - a singer, or a ballerina, or a vet; I can’t remember

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking? -a high school career, give me another year and then I’ll do it

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have? -so many times

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence -Taking the road less traveled, hopefully with a passenger.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like? -ew stressful

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity? -doing what feels right.

83. How would you spend a billion dollars? -music school, korean college, a nice house; the rest in savings 

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future? -uh the past, I’d like to see a few things.

85. What motivates you to succeed? -the idea of rubbing it in the faces of the people who didn’t think I could.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most? -dreaming that I was doing what I love

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why? -city, I already live in a rural area and it sucks.

88. Do you believe in life after death -who knows.

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they? -my english teacher and my honors choir teacher, supporting me. 

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory? -fuck I ain’t got time for this question, spending a summer at my friend’s house and doing some weird shit.

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why? -hm, Bernie Sanders, that’s my man.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy? -my dreams coming true, hard work being rewarded, love.

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life? -patience

94. What do you think happens after we die? -you already asked and I don’t really care, we dead.

95. What would you do if you would be invisible? -commit robbery.

96. What's something you can't do no matter how hard you try? -be apolitical

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring? -no, this isn’t sims.

98. How did your first crush develop? -he was nice to me

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it? -eh I don’t have feelings for anyone rn

100. Do you live or do you just exist? -exist, hit me up in a few years tho.