#was gonna vent in the tags but i just. don't have it in me
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hoooo babeeey, I am depressed n annoyed n anxious n I don't want to be any of these things !!!
#was gonna vent in the tags but i just. don't have it in me#i think im gonna talk about embarrassing stuff w my therapist on friday instead of all my underlying trauma tho#bc like. my trauma will always be there and I've lived with it so long that i understand how it leads me to certain patterns#and there will always be time to talk about it#but i really desperately need to change certain things about myself *now* that control my moods#it's all dumb and embarrassing but im just gonna say fuck it and bring it up bc like. i just can't keep existing like this lol#ok rambling over bc im sinking and don't want to go too low#rAMbles
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socializing w/ppl when you have bucket loads of trauma from past abuse is so hard b/c has this person accidentally triggered me unknowingly and now I feel like I'm being backed into a corner or are they actually trying ta hurt me. they both feel the same and finding the rationality ta be like, "they misspoke or used language that they didn't know would hurt me" is extremely difficult!
#spacie spoinks#most of the time it's just them accidentally triggering me#I don't tell people when they do b/c I don't know what ta do abt it myself#and also I don't want ppl ta coddle me b/c they think I'm fragile or something#but. I think I'm in a place now where I'm surrounded by ppl who truly don't want ta hurt me so#maybe if I tell them when they do it on accident it will be okay#maybe#it's especially hard when I don't know something is gonna trigger me like fuck#every thing could be chill and then the next moment I'm having a panic attack it's full on not fun#vent#I usually don't tag my vent post but thisigbt be triggering ta ppl so#mention of abuse
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Don't know how to answer people when they ask you a question? Get quiet or stressed because you kind of don't want to answer but you also can't explain why, lest you start to answer? Getting called secretive because you Just Don't Respond??
Might I introduce you... To The Cards!!!!
#Sheldon Cooper#tagging him for the normal tagging reasons but also bc I know he's Not Super Liked in the autism community#also no I don't have autism so I'm not gonna tag that i just got Other Stuff going on#Sheldon is a big kin for me / used(????? I GUESS???) to be an alter. so like. its fine.#not that i need to explain myself but also this is the vent blog so I can do what I want lmao#communication cards#idrk what to tag this bc i want people to see but idk who would benifit#bc this isn't really a DID thing either#shrug emoji#hopefully this will find the right people through sheer force of will
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I feel like being mutuals means so much less than everyone makes it seem
You literally just follow each other, that's it
Most of my mutuals probably don't even remember who I am after I stopped drawing for them
Edit: the rant in the tags is more about being annoyed with people who tell me they like my art and follow me, but that's it, no art support at all
#the tags are gonna be a bit of a vent bc I think about this a lot#maybe it's because most of my mutuals only ever interacted with my post when it was art for them#I don't get notifications that they liked my art but they tell me they like seeing my art#I see them reblogging bigger artists than me and it's a little discouraging in a way#they talk big about my art on discord before following me for emphasis#but then they never liked any of it#they sometimes reblog my reblogs#but that's it#it just feels gross to me to act like you support and love someone's art so so much and they're “cool” to you#but then it stops at just words in a server#actions speak louder than words#I don't want to sound entitled or spoiled#I just feel a little deceived that they said they like my stuff but I get no evidence of that#ofc I love seeing my mutuals that do like my stuff more than anything#I do have regulars that do support me and I try to support them as much as I can#but I can't help but feel weird trying to support someone who doesn't even look at what I do as they talk about liking it#They don't need to say any of that but they do and it feels like lies#ofc this is all so whiny and I know it's so stupid#I'm probably going to delete this later#I just wanted to say it finally#vent#tw vent#vent tw#vent posting
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some people will be all about mental health awareness and leftist ideals of at least tolerating the mentally ill who show ''ugly'' symptoms until it's someone they know and ''care'' about having a bad day and acting like it in a way they don't find appealing
#[temporary text post tag]#vagueing about irls#everybodys your friend until one time youre too tired to act right after getting yelled at first thing in the morning#worst thing is i trusted her enough to tell her shit none of my other friends know about#liek i genuinely believed we were friends and i wasnt just an accessory so she wouldnt feel lonely and could vent to someone about whatever#now im really wondering if all the shit she told me about other people was real or if she just ditched them as well after they-#- acted emotionally in a way she didnt like#like im sorry people have bad days and sometimes act in none cutesy ways#at this point idk if the few times i did tell her im feelin like shit she took it seriously or just thought i was joking#im kinda assuming the second one#like she did feel and act fairly progressive - she'd often talk about acceptance and understanding#i don't even think she sees this situation as dropping a 'freind'#she's prolly gonna find a way to justify it somehow idk#point is im hurt and need a drink#she even vaguely texted me like 'if someone you knew hurt someone you care about would you try to fix it with them or just block them?'#like not even confront me and say 'you hurt someone i care about so now im ending things'#or just tell me to fuck off or call me a piece of shit#i feel after a year and all of the 'youre a good friend' shit that maybe i was at least entitled to a 'fuck off kys' text and then a block#i shouldve dropped her first - save us both some time#honestly i dont even think she thinks about this at all#im probably just sulking like a kicked dog while she does whatever the fuck it is she does#she probably didnt even care about my side of the story#why would she#honestly she always did most of the talking#i was just there to listen and sometimes make a joke for her to laugh at i guess#like i didnt know i was signing up for a '1 strike and youre out' type deal lmao
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#so one half of the couple i'm house/dogsitting for had an unexpected medical emergency on their trip#which -- i won't go into details but it culminated in a pretty serious diagnosis and emergency major surgery#and now they're coming home today after getting medevac transport back to california#and have asked me to stay here for a few more days while they settle in#as the one who had the emergency needs 24/7 care during recovery but is being released from hospital to recover at home#and they need someone to basically keep looking after the dog/keep her from getting in the way while they figure out what care he needs#anyway i agreed to stay a few days like they asked#which means i'm trying to finish my coursework before they get back later this afternoon but man my focus levels are LOW#and honestly they have been for several days at this point because once again it seems that waiting to hear about medical stuff has become#somewhat of a panic response trigger for me since the extended nightmare of february this year with my dad#and mostly i've been able to compartmentalize but the energy that takes has truly wiped me out#to the point that i'm genuinely shocked it hasn't set off a fibro flare up (touch wood)#also i really don't know this couple very well at all -- they're mostly friends of my parents-in-law#i've looked after their dog for them several times over the past couple of years#but obviously that's been while they aren't home#and i've only had fairly brief interactions with them#so i do feel a bit awkward about being here while they're going through something so serious and personal#but they're nice people and they need the help and i'm able to provide it so i'm gonna push past that#anyway just a tag post venting thing
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birthday sluggy (it is NOT my birthday yet but i needed to draw them before i go hide)
#rain world#rainworld#slugcat#oc#i guess?#im never gonna draw them again#i am NOT excited for my birthday#dont mind the venting in the tags pls#but like the holidays have not been kind to me#weeee are not financially stable enough to properly have christmas#so for my birthday im anticipating i'll have to buy my own gifts#and i rlly don't Wanna because im also very broke#so im just. gonna try to hibernate till my birthday passes
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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#not gonna make a real post but i gotta vent a little#there was that one poll abt which DA man has the most annoying fans#which i did not vote in bc as someone who values my own sanity i don't hang out in tags of characters that get on my nerves#but i'm just dumb enough to have looked in the notes and apparently solas was sweeping i guess#which by itself is whatever#but then the tags were just dozens of ppl complaining that solas fans were annoying bc they *checks notes*#post about solas a lot???#and 'flood the lavellan tag'? you know...the only character you can romance him with w/o a mod???#and they hate that we're 'acting like DA4 is going to only be abt him'...you know. the game originally called 'dreadwolf'#idk my guys i get that if someone jumps on your post and makes it abt a character u hate that's annoying#but it sure sounds like ur just bitching abt ppl having fun in their own fandom space#this sounds very much like a YOU issue#like i remember someone literally made a post like 'UGH why do Solavellans even like him?!' that ended up on my dash#and I answered in good faith not feeling like i was being mean or aggressive#and i promptly got yelled at for 'not staying in my lane'#my brother in Christ YOU asked MY part of the fandom a question#Not saying there aren't Solas fans w/ Rancid Takes but i swear half the complaints i see are people just mad that we're having a good time#curate your own online experience guys it's not that hard#i waited 10 years for closure with this dumpster fire man#and no one is going to spoil my fun about it#block me to the moon and back idc
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Post about my weight, numbers mentioned. Slight vent/brag post about weight loss.
THIS IS NOT ED CONTENT, DO NOT INTERACT IF YOU ARE A PRO ED BLOG (I've been working really hard to recover, please don't interact)
Okay so, I started my first genuinely healthy weight loss journey in January of 2023 at 284.9 pounds. Okay? Okay. I didn't want to lose weight to be skinny or because I couldn't look at myself, I wanted to lose weight because my health issues were getting worse (thank you multiple chronic conditions) and it was a last ditch effort on my end.
Except I didn't actually start trying to lose weight until my gallbladder attack and finding out it was functioning at 13%. Ain't that just so great :'). I don't do anesthesia well so I talked to my GP and we went through ways I could potentially get my gallbladder to function again (he's seen patients and his own friends do it before). I brought up weight loss, he did not. He told me he'd support my decision and to keep my mental health team in the loop because I've struggled with disordered eating (not going to be specific) since 5th grade (age 9).
I wound up discovering I have a gluten and lactose intolerance, as well as PCOS (more doctors visits), got my diet under control, tried and failed the 75 hard...twice, discovered I'm still a fucking beast at Just Dance, started going to the gym, rediscovered hunger signals (I thought I was dying), and haven't had a gallbladder attack since.
After a year and 8 months of constant hard work, I am at 208.4 and am in the gym (usually 3 times a week), building muscle.
Additional side note: I haven't been under 214 since pre covid + my ed.
So why am I sharing this when I am so staunchly against people being told to lose weight? Because this was my choice, that I made for me, and I have worked so fucking hard to do it without compromising my mental and physical health in the process, and I'm proud of myself.
Like...I don't want people complementing me on my weight loss or telling me I look so much better because in all my pictures, I look GENUINELY happy, because I am! I'm not doing this to look good. I'd be okay if people were like "damn, that's a lot of hard work and dedication! Good job!" but like...my family doesn't see it that way, nor do most of my friends. Alex does though, so that's a win...but like...I just wish other people saw it too.
Anyway, that's all. Don't lose weight bc you feel like you have to and if you're starting a weight loss journey, keep a trusted doctor and your mental health team in the loop.
#teddy talks#theo's thoughts#weight#tw weight#tw weighloss#losing weight#weight loss#slight vent at the end#someone please just tell me that they've noticed the hard work#like please#I don't want people telling me I look good/better now#I just want someone to recognize how hard I've worked for this#and please don't tell me I looked better/happier before either#I was happy then and I'm happy now#Idk how to tag this but I have a sinking suspicion this is gonna wind up somewhere I don't want it to#healthy weight loss
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I knew Dazai was a talented young man, but I'm amazed how he apparently managed to be the first 18 year old minor. What can't he do.
#/salt#not gonna tag fandom or anything#just venting#antis stop smelling your own farts so much challenge#also plz don't come to try and argue with me#just block me and move on#i don't give a shit about anything you have to say
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[little vent -- tldr definitely not gonna have the planned art ready for the renniversary lol.]
me: "oh hell yeah i'll have a dog-sitting "job" for the next few days, so i'll have plenty of time to work on the art leading up to friday :) "
the dogs: untrained, poorly behaved, require constant attention (not their fault but it's the reality of the situation)
so uh. i might have some simple chibi art for friday if i have enough energy between putting the dogs to bed and going to sleep hghghghgh ;;;;; i'll finish the more detailed pics as i have the time and energy :')
#(edit: just to be clear -- the 'job' is in quotes only bc in my case i'm not being paid as much as a proper job LOL LMAO. :') )#the last post abt this was more 'i'm giving myself an out if i can't do it'. now it's 'i can't do it' ksjdnksjn#i'm still gonna try to do some other things that don't require as much undivided attention as art does though...?#blah blah blah ren wouldn't want me to stress etc etc etc. still disappointing.#he came to me RIGHT when i needed him... but also... why did it have to be 6 days after my other closest main's anniv JKASN#i'm debating making the wedding the same day as the r!ren anniversary just so it's one less date to worry about LMAO ;;;;;#anyway. just venting about the fact that so much is happening Right Now and not Literally Any Other Time.#at least i'll have a little extra pocket money for a comm or two once i finish redoing his ref sheet...!!#and the reality is... i've made SO MUCH art of him over the past year. i won't be struggling to find posts to rb on the day ksjdn#i should probably get started gathering that art for the yumeship sheet though jsdnk time to dive through my tags.#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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Something seriously lacking in my art is the ability to tell a story in a single illustration.
I've gotten so used to drawing my characters standing around doing random things that I've never practiced telling a full tale/putting implications into my pieces that require more thinking/looking.
It also comes from a lower amount of details in my works by default [since I like to get pieces done fast], but I'm tired of using that as an excuse.
#vent#kinda#sorry I'm just having a rough one tonight but I'll recover lmao#I think the AI art thing is really getting to me cuz like.#Anyone can make pretty images if they study and practice hard enough#[not to detract from people who don't tell stories with their images!]#but something in my brain wants to fight back because AI will never be able to Tell a Story through its images.#It can't make narrative choices through its regurgitation of random elements. It will never tell a cohesive and interesting tale through#detail choice#the worst it can do is create surface-level 'pretty' images by smashing together a bunch of mushed up information#but storytelling? that's human touch#that's intention. Thought. Choices.#and idk it's really bothering me lately that my images almost never... 'say' anything about a character.#this does not apply to anyone else's art I look at#it's just a standard I'm starting to feel my head apply to my own work and nobody else's.#which I'm taking as a sign that this is something I'm unsatisfied with#but the thought of starting to develop a completely new skill like that? terrifyingly daunting.#Sorry for the wall of tags I'm havin' some hella moodswings tonight#happens a lot when I get inspired by art I see#which I'm trying to work on but yaknow#it's a long process#anyways how's your night goin#I'm gonna cheer myself up by eating some amazing asparagus casserole
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Uhuhmmmrrrrrrrrr
#oc: bean#sona tag#vent tag#sorry for so much venting I am not doing good#and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it#it's also really a lot to say 'hey this thing that is probably very insignificant in the grand scheme of things makes me wanna kill myself'#and it's really dumb and I don't like it#I am sure it'll pass but fuck dude it sucks!!! it's sucks like hell!!!#idk how to end this post so just gonna leave it at that
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I hate it here
#class moved to be from 9:30 to 10:10. i didn't know of that change. I'll be arriving at 10:10.#class usually starts at 10:15.#the next class starts not at 12:00 as usual but 12:30#i didn't bring my laptop to work on projects. i thought abt bringing it but didnt thinking i wouldn't have enough time to get good use of it#i ALSO didn't bring my phone charger because i thought i wouldn't need it#this is just bad thing after bad thing all at once. i HATE. IT. HERE.#i wish i had seen that email when i was about to enter the train so i wouldn't have to commit to going. now im gonna have to spend all that-#-time at campus because i have nowhere else to go. and suffer because i have NO WAY TO WORK ON THE SHIT I HAVE TO WORK ON.#i HATE THIS. I am crying so fucking hard in the train rn. i HATE it. so much.#carime rambles#FUCKING HELL. FUCK. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.#I ALREADY ONLY HAVE 78% BATTERY WHAT ABOUT I JUST- . I. i don't wanna go to class. to either class. fucking hell.#carime vents#CORRECTION BECAUSE I MISSPOKE.. CLASS USUALLY STARTS AT 10:10 AND ENDS AT 12. NOW IT'S MOVED TO BE 9:30-10:10#i realize how stupid the original tag makes me seem. i just misspoke but that's what i meant to say
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it's not going too well
#cw vent#but#:[ i feel so baaad about it idk#one of the only things im known for in school is self harm and i dont wanna go back tomorrow#and now it feels like sh is basically my only recognisable thing#so everytime i look down at my arms and see scars fading away i just feel so terrible about it#what am i doing? why am i not cutting myself tahts what im meant to do thats what ive always done!! thats all anubody wants from me#i kinda really don't like how#basically everykne in my school really doesn't like me much cuz all i really have going is that i cut myself#have autism#and may or may not be a tranny#even though all of those things are things that are true qnd i dont even think they're bad things#i just. i dunno. i feel bad. like genuinely they have one thing they want me to do#and thats hurting myself!! but im not even doinf that right now#this is so dumb. all my problems are dumb as fuck huh#im so scared of school now#its not even just how the people act#when i go into the corridors there are so many people#so when im finally alone it always feels like theres someone behjdn me. its scaring meee i dunno. i hate school#please dont make me go back tgere. wait no what do you mean this is gonna be another three or so years#and even after those threes years i still have to go to university.. and get a job#this is the rest of my life i think and that makes me sad#i really tried to like school i tried so so hard to like school#but its so difficult. too many people too many noises#too many rumours and too many ableists#there are also too many tags on this post#but rlly the bad part of school has never been the work for me. im a dumbass but i do like learning#weh. dont make me go back. can i sleep for 72 hours instead of going to school#i hate walking into that stupid building everyday and being able to feel everybodys eyes go onto me#its all so scary. i should stop venting on here but i probably won't im sorry
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