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windwardstar · 2 years

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that one t post

Since there's some of y'all who showed interested, here's the big rundown of my experiences with T. This covers being on T for 3 month at 26, stopping it for a few years, then the first 9 months of being on T at 28. Contains the changes that have happened while I’ve been on T + the interactions with my other health conditions + the process of accessing care. It’s safe for work/reading in public as far as any puberty/medical body talk is. Word count is ~8k.

T round 1 (2019 - I was 26)

If you followed me back in 2019, you might recall me getting on T at the end of that year.

I didn’t have a PCP and was in a very conservative state which made me concerned about finding a trans friendly provider, so I decided to go through Planned Parenthood knowing it was informed consent. The PP that had a gender clinic and was open on my day off was on the other side of the state/2 hour drive one way. But also, when I went to book an appointment they had one for the same week/the next day so I didn’t have to wait. I had insurance through my work that partially covered the visit, the lab work, and the prescriptions. This was out of network for my insurance so I paid more than if it was in network. My local pharmacy was the Sam’s Club which has $4 prescriptions for members- which is what I ended up paying as it was significantly cheaper than my insurance co-pay. (I did not get a prescription for a sharps container and bought one from the local store.) I got my supplies in 3 month batches and didn’t have any issues with the pharmacy.

At the appointment, I was given a big packet of “side effects” (aka the desired results) it included a handy chart of when certain changes would likely happen. My provider went over it with me to make sure I knew what to expect, and asked me a couple questions about my gender identity and transition goals to get a feel for me and make sure this was what I wanted. I was completely out at work and socially. I had very recently moved out of an abusive homelife and was catching my feet mental health wise, but I was in therapy at the time and on medications that had been as a consistent dose for about a year (aka: mental health problems were well controlled), so the doctor was comfortable prescribing me T. We decided to try weekly injections first to limit potential high/lows on a longer dose cycle.

The Labs for this provider were Initial Labs, 3 Months, 6 Months, Then Yearly. My 3 Month Labs hit right at the start of Covid Lockdown, I wasn’t able to get in for them (perpetually overlapping quarantines at work yo), the shift to telehealth hadn’t happened, and then I ran out of my psych meds (antidepressant and an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) so my executive functioning skills went bye-bye for a while. So I couldn’t get my prescription renewed and had to stop T after like 3 months.

I took Testosterone Cypionate (0.25 ML, 0.50 MG) by Intramuscular (IM) Injections in my thigh once a week. The syringes had a twist on/off for the needles themselves (bigger one for the drawing up, smaller for the injection). They hurt a lot for me. I’d get a bruise around the injection site and the muscle would be very sore for 2-3 days after and hurt when I walked or used the muscle. It wasn’t enough to make me want to stop, but it wasn’t pleasant.

(Because of the long drive, the doctor didn’t have me come back for the first shot, just confirmed I was comfortable administering it myself and knew the process. She said if I ran into problems there were youtube videos I could look at or I could call.)

I did have issues with my needle phobia, but before getting to the part of actually seeking out access to T, I’d done a lot of work to manage it. The few years prior to starting T, I’d had to get a lot of blood drawn for lab work, several IVs, and quite a few vaccines which had helped me calm down so I was no longer having panic attacks around needles. The biggest thing that helped though was mental work and visualization. I started out just contemplating the concept of T injections in the abstract, then read posts with people talking about injections, looked at visuals of needles/syringes and people administering them. The last step was then thinking about giving myself injections and visualizing it. The whole time I tried to associate it with all the positive things I’d hoped to get from T and reminding myself the injections/ivs/blood draws of the previous years had all been perfectly fine and my anxiety was not reflecting what actually happened. (I also got a tattoo a month or so before I started T and after the initial anxiety I was mostly just fascinated by watching the tattoo gun, which was what really made me think I could do the T injections.) It took a long time to get to that point. When I started, I was only able to think about needles for a few seconds at a time. But I was able to give myself my first T shot with only a little anxiety (my hands shook a lot). And with each successful injection, the anxiety went down.

The Changes on T (1-3 Months):

Increased body hair. I noticed the hair on my thighs thickening and darkening around the injection sites, but not really much else. The peach fuzz on my face increased and I got a few dark hairs but there wasn’t really anything to shave. I think I shaved my face once because I wanted to not because there was anything to really shave…

Voice Changes: I sang quite a bit so I noticed that my lower register got fuller and the lowest end of my range got easier to access, but other than that there weren’t any vocal changes that I noticed. I didn’t get any voice breaking or cracking.

Bottom Growth: Yeah, there was some of that. Enough I noticed. Things also got very very sensitive and painful. OTC pain meds and ice packs helped. Loose clothes. Also manspreading.

Periods: They got lighter and less painful almost immediately, and I skipped one 3 months in. Then I ran out of T and got my period back the next month.

Acne: I didn’t get acne until the 3 month mark or so, but that also coincided with the start of wearing masks. It got really painful so I started using the OTC acne cream I used in high school, and it cleared up to something manageable once I was off T. (My teenage acne hit HARD at 13 and didn’t clear up until I was 24.)

Nightmares: The first month I started getting a significant increase in nightmares/remembering them upon waking up. This may have been because I had just moved into my own place and escaped an abusive environment, but my therapist at the time mentioned that nightmares were a common thing for people starting T (it is a big hormone change so y’know).

Other Changes: there may have been some, but it’s been a few years so I don’t really remember.

T round 2: 9 Months (2022 started at 28)

The goal was always to get back on T. It just took a while. Cross country move (liberal state now yo), new job, getting new insurance. Once I did, I had to figure out where to get T again. The planned parenthoods were all booked months out and none open for gender clinic stuff on my days off.

I went through my doctor’s office, found out they have a special gender health program for trans people and transferred care to them. I had to wait like a month to get an appointment, but it means my PCP/GP is versed in trans care and does all my hormones. The experience is fantastic. The whole office used my chosen name and pronouns before they got legally changed and had the ability to change the display name on my chart so everyone would use the correct one.

The initial visit was via phone. It was a lot of the same causal “tell me about yourself and your transition goals” as the last time. We skipped a lot of the “this is what t will do” since I already knew it, and folded it in with talking about my experience being on T previously, what I liked, what I hoped for, what I found difficult, etc. I was off the psych medications I had been on the last time, but since I’d been off for two-ish years and was stable, I was ok to restart T. We started me off on the same dose and frequency I had been on previously, but because the IM had been painful, we switched to SubQ.

I didn’t need any initial lab work done, but I’ve done them every 3 months after starting. I had to go in person to pick up my prescription (which I did the next morning after my initial telehealth visit, the pharmacist called the insurance to get the authorization & everyone there was super great) and meet with the nurse to administer my first shot. The doctor poked her head in to say hi in person.

My insurance covers the visits, lab work, and prescriptions. I did have to get prior authorization and have a letter from the insurance company stating my T prescription is approved for a year. I got a prescription for a sharps container this time since the stores did not have any on the shelves. (The pharmacy was out of the small ones too, so I ended up with the big gallon size. It takes up a ton of space under the sink, but it should last me several more years before I have to dispose of it.) My needles also just have a smooth pop on/off to attach to the syringe.

For the first six months, the depo was a 0.25ML/0.50 MG SubQ injection once a week. Because there were certain changes I wasn’t seeing, at 6 months my dose was increased to 0.40ML/0.80MG SubQ once a week.

The SubQ injections basically don’t hurt after I’ve injected them. A couple times I injected them too quickly (just sticking the needle in and pressing down on the plunger too hard and forcing the liquid in, then pulling the needle out immediately) and those are when I’ve noticed redness, swelling, and soreness around the injection site. So my process for minimal pain and bleeding: wait until I’ve got cool skin (not right after a shower), inject slowly, count to 10 before pulling out the needle. Warming up the vial in my hands so the T isn’t cold and making sure everything is dry from the alcohol swabs before injecting also helps with the initial injection pain.

The anxiety around needles has basically all disappeared so I have no issue giving myself injections.

(I have a problem with my T vials crystallizing. I’ve found they take ages to dissolve, so I stick them in a pocket/waistband to keep them warm against my skin for an hour or so as I go about my morning, shaking it every now and then to see how it’s doing. I do my shot on my day off when I generally have time to do that. This time it’s Fridays. Last time it was Wednesdays.)

I started T (again) in April 2022 at 28

(Idk how the math works on these changes when you start/stop/restart on T. I wasn’t able to find anything. Probably because there’s not enough data on it. Given the length of the break, the T levels in my system had definitely reset, and I hadn’t been on T very long previously. Some of my changes went faster than the expected timeline, some slower, some about the same. So know there’s a parenthetical +3 months to all of this.)

Voice Changes: I noticed a continuation of the pattern from the last time. My lower register got much fuller and easier. My upper range started getting harder to reach. Nothing cracking or breaking, but there were some notes I was struggling to reach by the time the choir concert rolled around in mid-May. I started off bordering soprano/alto and was clinging to the alto range before we broke for summer (1-2 months)

I caught COVID from work over Memorial day (~2 months in) and my voice cracked a bit. I went into COVID being able to talk, was sick for a week, and then when the Covid cleared my voice was fried. I sounded terrible talking. Singing wise, my lower range had extended and my upper had come down, but I was still easily able to slip into my head voice.

Started Summer Choir at the end of June. I spent the first few weeks feeling like the songs were a little low for my range. Then things shifted again (~3months) and my singing range shrank to about 3 notes, I could not reliably open my mouth and make a sound, my breath control disappeared. I had one volume I could sing in, no going louder or softer or the sound would disappear. I sounded like a squeaky clarinet. (I did a very good seagull impression.) It was terrible and I loved every minute of it because it was so euphoric. I didn’t sound like a girl. I was firmly in the Tenor range. I was experiencing the puberty I’d always wanted to. (It was hard to tell with the first drop since it happened while I had COVID, but the second time my voice really cracked, I also had a really dry and sore throat.)

Enter August (~4 Months) my range was starting to re-expand. The low notes/chest voice coming back first. I was also figuring out how to make noise with the new instrument, because speaking and singing is all muscle memory. Which meant everything I knew previously was basically irrelevant at best and counter productive at worst. My brain would know how to produce a note on my pre-t vocal chords, so it would try to do what it had done before and either a) nothing would come out because my vocal chords are no longer capable of producing those notes or b) it would come out but be much lower. (I’m still working on retraining this 9 months in. My mental voice and physical voice do not match. I still think I sound like my pre-t self. Like, the thinking voice in my head sounds like my pre-T voice, it hasn’t dropped yet. Which makes singing difficult because I don’t know intuitively how I sound now. I have to adjust once I start making noise.) I was able to make my way through the concert at the end of August, but there were things too high for me since I wasn’t able to access that part of my range yet.

September/October/November/December (month 5-8) my singing range continued to expand and stabilize, the lower notes got much easier, volume control came back, my breath control returned with practice, and some access to my head range. My voice fatigues easily, but that’s getting better too. The vocal fry/clarity of my voice is getting better as well. I had to stop multiple times per rehearsal over the summer, but by December I was able to make it almost the whole rehearsal before reaching my limit. I do not have a smooth transition between notes and get stuck in low gear so to speak. Pre-t my favorite things to sing were songs where I jumped around my entire range. I miss that flexibility, but there are new things to enjoy singing now. I’m also only 9 (+3) months in, and my voice is going to continue to develop. My goals right now are just to continue exploring my singing voice as things change, and to try and get my brain to match what the new pipes can do.

(January 1st, Month 9 (aka today while I was waiting to do a final round of edits on this post) I had a moment where things finally clicked into place for my singing voice. I was singing while doing the laundry, and I was just able to actually sing without feeling any strain. It felt easy and natural coming out. I had to focus on what I was singing to a degree, but not to the exclusion of doing other activities. The sound didn’t crack or disappear on me, and I didn’t run out of breath mid phrase. I was able to actually sing. It was also a moment where I was able to hear my voice and think “this is what I sound like, this is my voice” as opposed to the transitory state it’s existed in since I first started noticing changes. It’s also just a sense of feeling completed and right. I cried, and there was joy, but the predominant emotion was just feeling that things had finally aligned into where they were meant to be and an overwhelming settling peace.)

My biggest thing right now is just how much more air it takes to make sound, speaking or singing. My laugh has turned from a giggle to just blowing air out through my teeth or a bunch of kekekekeke where the sound is from my tongue stopping the air rather than my vocal chords making noise. Singing, I am having to breathe much more frequently than before. Speaking, I sometimes don’t do enough air and sound doesn’t come out. I go nonverbal A LOT more than before because the physical act of speaking has become harder. That initial start up to making noise is sometimes more than my brain can figure out in the moment.

My speaking voice has also changed a lot. The pitch has dropped, it’s gotten much rougher, but I tend to speak in a very femme manner. People have definitely noticed it’s dropped, but it sounds more “cold/laryngitis” than “guy.” People have definitely started reacting differently when they hear me speak over the phone, but I’ve yet to get any comments and it’s not been enough to keep strangers from misgendering me. I have the ability to sound like a guy, there are times when I am relaxed and can hear it come out. The bulk of how my speaking voice sounds is from how I’m using it. I sound like a girl to others because of all those aspects of speech that have nothing to do with how high or low it is. (Aka sounding like a guy at this point for me is about technique not physical ability. This is where speech therapists would be useful.) My dysphoria over my voice has essentially disappeared. I love my voice now, and I’m filled with so much excitement over seeing what else unfolds with it as I get used to it and how to use it.

Acne/Skin Stuff: First off, Puberty 1.0 gave me terrible acne. It set in at like 13. Regardless of what I did as a teenager, I was unable to really control it. I had products but they didn’t really work and my mother wouldn’t get me to a dr for it. My skin was dry and oily. It would crack and peel and bleed and had reactions to every product I put on it. It got better in my twenties and was mostly gone by the time I was 24. It came back when I started T the first time + Covid Masking at 26. But by that point I’d found an acne cream + lotion combination of products that kept things almost clear.

I expected to have acne bad again on T because that’s just what my body does with hormones. By the end of the first month the acne was back. It progressed to being painful cystic acne by 3 months. I told my doctor and got a prescription cream. I’m meant to use it twice a day, I did at first, but it made my skin too dry, so I use it mostly once a day (generally after I’ve showered). I use it + a plain lotion for moisturizing/keeping things from getting too dry. I still have pretty bad acne, my face is red and skin is perpetually breaking out. But it’s not painful, and that’s my biggest goal with controlling acne. Especially because I react very strongly to products on my skin.

My acne still gets worse around my periods, so I know a lot of it is hormonal stuff going on. There’s some slight increase in body acne, but nothing that I even have to put cream on as it’s not painful and goes away on its own. The acne usually appeared in spots where hair was growing in for like a week or so while the hair started growing in thicker/darker.

The rest of my skin also got super oily. And I got super sweaty. And smelled funky for a little while. Previously I showered and washed my hair every other day because that was the balance of keeping my scalp happy. My skin also couldn’t handle more than that as it would get too dry and crack even with lotion. 1-2 months in, I was showering every day, over the summer (~3-6 months) I was showering once in the morning and once at night (mostly because sweat, but also smell) and washing my hair every day. I did not really experience any dry skin. Somewhere around the 7 month mark, that all decreased. 9 months in, I’m showering every day (with an extra shower if I get gross) and still have no problems with dry skin on my body.

The T has affected my scalp*. I started reacting to the shampoo I’d been using for years about a month or so into starting T. I switched to a different shampoo that worked for the most part, but then started causing problems about 7-8 months in. I’m currently trying a new shampoo + washing every other day or so, and hoping it works. This is getting brought up at my next appointment either for medicated shampoo or a referral to the derm if the current shampoo doesn’t work. *I don’t know if it’s causing a reaction to the products, or if there’s some interplay of the increased oils + increased sweat + my hair being wet for longer + more washings causing more dryness and more irritation + the hair dryer causing more irritation. All I know is my scalp is hurting and I am trying to figure out why + what I can do to make it stop.

Aka: I had terrible acne during puberty 1.0. Puberty T.0 is running about the same in terms of getting acne, but I’m able to manage it so much better because I’ve a) found a lotion I can apply to my face to help with the dryness and b) got a doctor to prescribe acne cream that actually helps. I’m having worse scalp problems now though, but working to manage them.

Facial Hair/Body Hair/Head Hair:

I started getting dark hairs on my chin first. It was within the first 3 months. It also coincided with the acne. Because my skin is so sensitive and the acne was so bad, I decided to use an electric razor since it doesn’t cut as close and tends to result in fewer nicks and cuts and ingrown hairs. I would not have been able to use a razor without cutting myself at the start. I also tend to react to shaving cream so the electric razor allowed me to not have to figure that aspect out too. I started off every few days, then every other day. Somewhere around 6 months I started needing to shave every day to keep the stubble away. If I have a few days off in a row I’ll skip the shaving so I can see what it looks like, but I shave clean if I have to work.

I’m not really sure when the body hair started growing. I noticed the leg hair on my thighs started growing in a little thicker and there was a bit more hair on my belly 4-5 months in (mostly because the bandaids from my shots started hurting when I pulled them off lol.) At 9 months I’ve noticed the hair on my arms and thighs has gotten darker and a little thicker, and my belly has gotten a lot more dark and thick hair, and there’s some chest hair appearing. I want to say somewhere around 6-7 months, I really started noticing the body hair and getting euphoric and happy about getting fuzzy. (Idk about lower leg hair since I frequently shave it due to wearing compression socks and finding them sensory hell and painful with leg hair.)

(Also got more hair on the butt and the butt crack, which was making getting clean after pooping during colitis flares difficult. Solution I’ve found is shaving/trimming that area (you know how it works with long-haired cats and dogs?) and using wet wipes if needed.)

One thing I did notice for both my facial hair and body hair, is that my skin would get mildly itchy the week or so before I started noticing more hair growing, and would continue for that first week or so + there tended to be some ingrown hairs during that stage. It was rather similar in feeling to what my underarms or legs feel like when I shave them and the hair starts to regrow. The itchiness is pretty mild for me so I didn’t really do anything about it.

The spot I inject the T got darker thicker hair first. And by spots I mean like the circle immediately around the injection sites was noticeably darker and hairier than the surrounding body part. It’s evened out on my thighs since my SubQ are in my belly, and the belly is starting to even out 9 months in.

Head hair. It’s started thinning up top right around my part, and on the sides of my temple. Really only noticed it starting at the 8 month mark. I’m currently in the process of trying to figure out if this is related to the scalp issues (since they can cause hair loss) and reversible, or the permanent slow march of time kind of balding. I really like having long hair. It’s fun. I haven’t cut my hair (which would improve my chances of passing as a guy or at least not getting consistently gendered as a girl) because I like my hair. I want to keep it.

I know finasteride and minoxidil are both things that can be used to treat it. I’m hesitant to use finasteride since it blocks DHT and I want the effects of that more than I want to keep my long hair. I’m worried about minoxidil exacerbating my scalp problems and causing more hair loss.

I’m contacting family to find out more information about family history of hair loss (including the ones where there were auto-immune skin conditions that caused it) and will talk with the doctors to figure out what the best option for me is.

I was a lot more anxious about the potential balding when I first noticed, but after a couple months to process it I’m not as alarmed as I was. If I do go bald though, I like the idea of getting tattoos. It’s also something that hopefully will be slow enough that I’m not gonna lose everything right away and can still enjoy having long hair for a while. But also you know the meme, if you can’t produce your own, store bought is fine. Wigs do exist.

Muscles, Fat, and the whole Musculoskeletal Shit

My timeline on this is a little blurry. Mostly because I’ve always built muscle easily and been rather buff just through having jobs that require some level of physical labor. I’ve also got hypermobile joints + low back pain from falling down stairs in 2019 + chest, rib, & shoulder pain from binder (haven’t been able to bind since pre-pandemic) and bra. So my focus on/awareness of physical ability was less on ease of strength and more on whether or not I had pain that made breathing/movement difficult. I’m going to guess it was easier to build muscle fairly early since I did notice some other changes that would track with things being affected.

So first thing I noticed was that my hips weren’t as prone to slipping out of place as usual and the days where they were painful decreased as well as the level of pain. It got to a point where I basically wasn’t having hip pain except around my period (pre-T the pain would get worse around my period, this is a continuation of the existing pattern). I’m not sure if I noticed this by 3 months, but I did by 6 Months. My guess is that the T strengthened the connective tissues and helped build muscle to hold everything in place. When I did a lot of walking and fatigued my leg muscles, the hip pain would get worse pre-T, but now I don’t really notice that at all 9 months in. If I get sore after movement, it doesn’t knock me out for several days. I still have to be careful about how I’m sitting and sleeping as the joints can still get knocked out of place that way. But also, the threshold for pain happening is much higher and I have fewer days of it. I’ve also only had to use my cane a handful of times since starting T.

My rib/chest pain got less severe at some point… I know I’m able to tolerate wearing my bra all day without feeling pain most of the time. That shift happened some time over the summer. So 3-6 months. (This was because my body finally managed to heal from the injuries from binding and the stress injury from using the deli slicer 2-4 hours a day at work in 2018.)

My back pain has kind of been figuring out what makes it worse and better. It’s gotten better overall over the past 9 months, but idk how much I can attribute that to T and how much is just figuring out what makes it worse and not doing that.

I’ve also noticed a significant decrease in flexibility. To the point I can stretch muscles I’ve never been able to stretch before. I can stretch my muscles without hyperextending joints. I started to resume a lot of the stretching I stopped in 2018 because whatever support my joints now have is enough that I don’t risk being too bendy to hold them all in place. My hands basically don’t dislocate/sublux any more, and the pain in them is gone. My grip strength has never been better. I can open water bottles without fucking up my fingers. (Aka T has definitely helped with the hEDS.)

My skin has also gotten thicker and less prone to getting cuts. If you follow me, you probably saw the post I made about the changes on that, but basically, my skin is tougher. It doesn’t get cut up as easily and I don’t bleed as easily. My mouth doesn’t get cut up as much by rough foods like toast and cereal and brushing and flossing doesn’t cause bleeding and tearing (no gum health issues this is just hEDS stuff, although I also notice the sensitivity of my gums fluctuate with my period), I don’t get papercuts as easily, sewing is a lot less bloody. This has made it slightly harder to put the needle through my skin for the T injections, it used to go in completely painlessly but somewhere around 6 months it started pinching a bit.

I also have a little adam’s apple now! Which I wasn’t expecting since I’m nearly 30 and I figured things wouldn’t shift too much. I started noticing it grow 3 months in or so when I would touch my throat and it slowly got just a bit bigger. 9 months in there’s something visible in my throat when I talk or swallow, just a tiny visible bump but it’s more than it was before! It also tends to sit REALLY high in my throat, which I know is also part of the problem I have with my voice being high and strained. I have a couple vocal exercises that lower it and my voice and reduce strain. But also this was one of the things I wanted but was realistically not expecting to get so !!!

As far as muscle and fat (re)distribution and such, I noticed somewhere around 4-5 months that when I looked in the mirror after showering so a) i didn’t have my glasses on and things were hella blurry and b) the mirror was somewhat fogged, I had a more masculine look. When my hair covered my chest (it was waist length at that point) there was just enough shifting of things to look masc. (My boobs have gotten somewhat flatter/deflated. Around my period I definitely get a feeling that they’ve gotten bigger/swelled back up.)

Body wise, my shoulders have always been broad, and the ratio of tiny waist to huge hips has always been a source of dysphoria for me. There’s nothing T is gonna do about the underlying bones, but I have noticed my hips and thighs slimming down somewhat / my waist filling out. It’s changed my silhouette away from the hourglass and into something more masculine. It’s helped greatly with my dysphoria when I see myself in the above sink/counter level mirrors. (Full body mirrors/reflections are still hello dysphoria hips.)

My shoulders also got slightly broader, my neck thicker, and my feet got slightly larger. I know for sure around 5-6 months, as I pulled out my long-sleeves for winter and the ones that had been tight and with no stretch the previous year were too tight to wear comfortably. I also pulled out my performance clothes which I hadn’t worn since month 2 on T, and had to let out the collar on my bowtie by a solid inch and get new shoes as the previous ones were too tight (again I’m almost 30, my feet bones didn’t grow but I did have to go up a shoe size). I had thought around 4-5 months that my neck was getting thicker since it didn’t look quite as stick-like. Around that time my face also started looking a little swollen around the jawline. It may have been puffiness or just things shifting around. I’m faceblind so I don’t know if my face has changed, just around that time looking at my face made me think the jaws looked a bit like my sister’s did a week after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Whatever puffiness I saw then, I don’t notice now though.

Idk if I’ve gained or lost weight since I don’t own a scale and don’t actually pay attention to that because it’s not actually important. Shrug emoji.

Periods & Bottom Growth:

If you’ve read this far you’ve probably guessed my periods didn’t stop early this time. As I stated, the first attempt at T, they stopped three months in. My third period came two weeks early this time when I caught COVID. We increased my dose at 6 months because my periods hadn’t stopped. My 8th period happened a week late. This month for the 9th I’ve gotten some light cramping and joint pain (but another week or two will tell if it’s stopped).

I did notice by 6 months the pain/cramping and other things associated with my period were less. (The flow decreased somewhat and the cramps were less severe. I was able to still walk and function with the OTC pain meds, and I had to take fewer for a shorter time frame to get relief. My blood pressure didn’t tank as drastically, so I wasn’t at risk of passing out every time I stood up on the first few days of my cycle each month. I didn’t get chills and shaking. I still get increased acne, bloated, migraines, and my joints all get loose and painful.)

(Outside of my period, my POTS has also drastically improved. Around 7-8 months, all I really started to notice is the tachycardia. The blood pressure problems aren’t forcing me to sit down to avoid passing out, my low blood pressure migraines have mostly disappeared, and my heat intolerance has drastically decreased. The heatwave in 2018 is what ended up with me in the hospital. I made it through the heatwave this year without too much difficulty. I still get migraines when I get too hot, and get weak and exhausted, but I recover within a day rather than a week. My migraines have tons of triggers, but overall I’ve gotten fewer of them since starting T. The only trigger that’s increased in causing them is my low blood sugar.)

Bottom growth has happened!!! I was ambivalent to slightly apprehensive about this part prior to starting the last time, but discovered pretty quickly I was actually really on board with it. For a while this time I was worried starting/stopping/restarting T meant I wasn’t getting any this time around. But the past month or so (month 9) has given me indications it was just taking a while to happen (like my periods not stopping 3 months as previously). This time, I haven’t experienced much in the way of pain + too much sensitivity, but the sensitivity has really increased in the past couple weeks so that may start again as well.

Appetite & blood sugar :

The increased appetite has probably been my biggest most noticeable thing in my day to day life and the only thing that has actually caused me distress (as opposed to annoyance and irritation with the acne). I noticed pretty quickly an increase in my appetite. This brought back problems with my blood sugar just crashing (and tanking my blood pressure with it) that I’d had while growing up. I would also wake up hungry in the middle of the night. 3 Months in it was the biggest change I noticed.

6 months in I was up to eating every two hours, waking up twice at night, and if I skipped one my body would get ravenously hungry and would have headache and shaking. But I was also getting more used to the routine so I got better about keeping food on me and my blood sugar didn’t crash as often/as severely. My grocery budget effectively doubled so that was yikes to my bank account. I also couldn’t get full or stay full. I was constantly hungry. Since I had a history of food insecurity as a kid, the constant feeling of hunger was distressing and started making my anxiety and ptsd get worse.

(There is a link between testosterone levels and blood sugar. Most of the data is on cis men. But the little information packet that comes in the box of my testosterone vial includes: In diabetic patients, the metabolic effects of androgens may decrease blood glucose and therefore, insulin requirements. Presumably, the doctors know to monitor this with diabetic patients and to mention it to them. But also, a reminder to read all the paperwork you’re given because neither of my prescribers mentioned this aspect to me, even when I mentioned having problems with my blood sugar dropping.)

9 months in, my appetite has decreased to pre-T levels which also coincided with getting heart burn/acid reflux for a solid week and a half. I’d never had a problem with that before, but I was also eating/drinking and then immediately laying down (aka eating right before bed and a midnight snack) for like six solid months, which is a big clue to the cause. The biggest surprise there is that it took six months to become a problem. I’ve been mindful of staying upright after eating and after a few days the problem went away.

Dysphoria, Mental Health, Mood and Energy;

T has been fucking amazing. Like. It’s fantastic and I’m thriving and have never felt so stable and capable of handling life. I can’t attribute everything to T because I’ve done a lot of work on my own mental health and my living situation improving (moving away from abusive family, getting engaged with friends and community, fulfilling job) but its positive impact on my mental health and general mood is undeniable.

My dysphoria is so much less than it was before. I love my voice now, I am starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my body. There’re still a bunch of things that are dysphoria inducing that will take more time or surgery (top, hysto, bottom) to change and relieve, (and when I am reminded about the dysphoria inducing things like boobs and people misgendering me as a girl, it feels terrible and I want to crawl out of my skin). But the entire experience of being on T has been a daily blessing of euphoria as everything happens.

I used to joke that you knew trans people were really trans because who else would willingly go through puberty a second time. Puberty 1.0 had been soul destroying terrible. I hadn’t had a single positive experience from it. Everything about puberty 1.0 had made me hate my body more and the changes just kept getting worse. I couldn’t imagine anyone willingly going through that a second time. Somehow despite knowing I wanted all the changes T would cause, my brain didn’t make the connection that I’d like the process aka puberty 2.0. I’d figured I’d suffer through puberty again and in the end I’d have a body I liked and was comfortable in, so it’d be worth all the suffering of puberty.

I was terribly wonderfully wrong. The first time I was on T, I didn’t really notice a ton of changes, but even the small ones I did I liked. It wasn’t terrible. And then, I was off T and the strength of my desire to get back on T and go through those changes was a physical ache. The past 9 months have been full of joy and excitement. Every little change I’ve noticed has made me happy and been something I loved to find. (Barring the acne, and hunger, and potential hair loss.)

Puberty 2.0 is so powerfully positive for me. I love it, and it’s letting me love my body.

My mood is a lot more stable than it was. With my dysphoria lessened, I’m not constantly feeling shitty about that which overall helped my mood. I’m not as depressed (and when I am, it’s so much more mild than before). My mood tends to be either in a stable state or hypo/manic. But there’s no irritability or violence or any of those fear mongering things. T didn’t suddenly change me into the TERF and bio essentialist’s boogey man. T doesn’t change your personality. If you have anger issues on T, you likely had them before. (Also I really want to stress this because I saw warnings about T and bipolar disorder for years: T did not make me irritable or angry or violent. It hasn’t changed the profile of my mood disorder to include symptoms that were never present.)

(As for crying. I don’t cry out of frustration or anxiety as much--which is likely because my mental health has improved and I’m not pushed into those strong negative emotions as often. But I tear up just as easily when I see heartwarming news stories or videos of puppies or see something heartbreaking on the news. I haven’t been cut off from health emotion, or healthy crying.)

Energy wise, I have so much more energy than I did before. I’ve managed to wake up easily all winter rather than take an hour to drag myself out of bed every day. I can work a 12 hour shift, and/or not take a nap and be fine with 8 hours of sleep (or less) at night. I can run around and do things on my days off. I have enough energy to function. I don’t have to have an entire day off just to sleep (although I still enjoy a good afternoon nap and sleeping in).

I don’t notice my energy level fluctuating with my shot (I do weekly injections to avoid my levels fluctuating and causing other things to do so as well), but I did notice my energy levels increased within the first month. But! There’s also a lot of other things going on that are affecting my improved energy levels. Some of this might be because I actually started taking a vitamin d supplement (and I definitely notice less energy when I forget it). The lessening of my dysphoria has freed up a lot of mental energy for other things, the lessening of my dysphoria has lessened my depression* which gives me more energy, the reduction in joint pain + other chronic pain means I’m not constantly having that low drain on my energy and resting better at night, and the reduction in POTS symptoms means I’m not having that massive daily drain on energy reserves.

(*I’ve noticed an increase in energy at my stable baseline, and an increase in the sustained energy while hypo/manic from my pre-T mood cycles without an associated increase in the severity of other symptoms. My depressive moods have reduced in length and severity because there aren’t as many things fucking triggering me during them (which can also be attributed to the better living conditions and social connections, since I noticed this prior to restarting T), but I also have an increased energy during them as well. Which all tracks with the physical conditions improving and no longer draining my energy as much.)

(I still notice when my blood sugar drops, I get my period, or I have an anxiety attack that my energy levels for the day drop accordingly. But I’m also quicker to bounce back to my new baseline. My anxiety has more or less stayed the same. Also randomly feeling tired has become a much more reliable migraine aura because now being tired tends to have an easily identifiable cause.)

As I mentioned in the appetite section, there has been some downsides to my mental health while on T. The constant hunger was triggering for me, but since I'm in a stable environment and have money for food, it’s something I’ve been able to work through. I’ve also experienced more nightmares since being on T, especially around when I first started and when my dose was increased (biggest changes in hormone levels). But the nightmares also increased in general, which I also want to attribute to having more energy while on T. Before T I had a tendency to be so utterly exhausted I didn’t dream and/or I woke up too frequently during the night due to joint pain/needing to reposition that I didn’t complete sleep cycles and wasn’t dreaming/having nightmares. (The biggest argument for this is also that I’m straight up actually having non-nightmare dreams now too. I rarely had dreams and/or remembered them before. I get them decently often now. Which is nice! Dreams can be fun! And weird. Dream logic does not make sense upon waking up.)

“Passing” / How people perceive my gender / General Reception

Gender is a party and transitioning is the grab bag. I’m basically completely on board all the physical changes T is making to my body (bar the acne and the balding). Presentation wise, I lean heavier into the men’s clothing than the women’s and would prefer to be read as a guy rather than a girl if people gotta gender me, but I’m not a guy and not actually interested in passing as a guy. So I don’t put any effort into passing as a guy. Being my authentic self and transitioning into my nonbinary genderqueer gender basically means I do what I’m comfortable with and just vibe (until someone misgenders me and then I dark side dysphoria vibe).

Basically for those keeping track: I have long hair, I shave clean (and wear a mask anyway), my boobs are still visible (can’t bind), my hips are still a thing, and my voice sounds mostly like I have a cold (lower but with girly customer service inflections). My chosen/legal name is still femme. I’m also 5ft/160cm and relatively small. I dress in men’s clothes for the most part. Strangers still assume I’m a girl. Even in trans friendly spaces I get she/her’ed by default.

(I’m out to management at work but very few others. There’s been maybe one person who might have noticed something. Most people I interact with through work--if they notice anything-- notice my voice change. But all the comments I’ve gotten indicate they think I’ve strained my voice from singing, have a cold, or it’s related to my breathing problems. (I had to wear a mask/scarf outdoors before covid due to the cold making it impossible to breathe, same with smoke. Also I caught COVID right before my voice cracked so…))

As I said, I don’t bind and my hair is long and don’t try to pass as a guy, so it makes sense I won’t. I’m sure if I had short hair and didn’t have visible boobs the default gendering by strangers would shift to a different percentage of girl vs guy vs awkward pause as they guess. So if you’re wondering how long it’ll take you to pass as a guy or confuse everyone, I’m not gonna be too helpful. But if you were concerned about being able to hide being on T/keep your transition on the DL until you’re ready to come out, you can definitely do it, just come up with some excuse for your voice because people will notice that.

Congrats I guess if you’ve read this far. Hopefully this was helpful and/or informative. The TL;DR of it is that the bulk of the changes kicked in somewhere between 3-6 months and are gonna continue for another good while. It’s having a lot of positive effects on my various health conditions (POTS, hEDS, migraines). I’m having a blast with everything that’s happening and am delighted by puberty 2.0. The drawbacks are just kind of inconveniences (and aside from potential balding, seem entirely temporary) and are nothing compared to the overwhelming joy and euphoria of slowly getting to exist more comfortably in my skin.

if you've got questions, feel free to ask. Just know depending on the question and whether or not I even know who you are will influence if I answer it or block you.

tagging myself so i can reblog if i need to @owlsofstarlight

#tag for me #also wow this post got long #and took forever to write and edit up #i apologize if it's hard to follow #but also don't complain if its too long i'm not forcing you to read it #the big t post #t timeline

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readingslover · 2 years

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Chapter IV

Previous Chapter: Chapter 3

March 20, 2020

@/HannaGrace posted a video

youtube

Liked by Selenagomez and others

While we’re looking for things to do at home, I thought it’d be fun to share behind the scenes of my dad’s acting debut. 🎾

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March 21, 2020

We had to push our songwriting session a few days back, to today, due to Jack being unable to join. However, I did some writing without Jack on the things that Aaron sent me. Austin should be here any minute now so I get everything ready for the sessions.

Right when someone, I guess Austin, knocks on my door I hear my phone ringing. I pick up my phone while walking towards the door. When I open the door. I see Austin standing there. I put my finger on my lips to tell him to stay silent while I answer my phone. “Hey, Kirsten. How are you?”

“Hey, Hannah. I’m doing good. How are you? How is it in Australia with the pandemic?”

“I’m good and healthy. We are shutting down production due to someone testing positive.”

“I hope it picks up again soon. I called because I needed to tell you something. I had a call with the management earlier today… and we thought it would be for the best if we canceled your upcoming tour.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. Can’t we wait a few more weeks? You know the tour starts in June we are only in March maybe in May this could be over.”

“Hannah, I know you don’t like to disappoint your fans but it’s for the best. This way you let them see that you care about everybody’s health and if I can be honest I don’t think this will be over in June.”

“Can”t we just postpone the tour until next year?”

“We could do the US and Brazil dates, but the international dates I would cancel. We don’t know how it’ll be in other countries so it’s for the best.”

“Okay. I will release a statement this week.”

We say our goodbyes and I hang up. I turn around to Austin who’s now sitting on my couch next to my guitar. I look at him to see him looking at me with sympathy. “I don’t know how you feel right now, but from what I’ve heard I also think it’s for the best. I know how much you couldn’t wait to be on stage again, but it’s the safer option.”

“I know it’s the safer option, Aus. Doesn’t mean it hurts less. I just hope that I can tour next year.”

After that, we talk for a while before calling Jack and Aaron. In the hours that follow, we write lyrics, compose some melodies and just talk. After we are done I ask Austin if he wanted to stay for dinner, I am making a very simple pasta carbonara.

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@/HannahGrace posted on Instagram

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I'm so sad I won't be able to see you guys in concert this year, but I know this is the right decision. Please, please stay healthy and safe. I'll see you on stage as soon as I can but right now what's important is committing to this quarantine, for the sake of all of us.

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March 30, 2020

We are now a few weeks further. Still isolated at home. Baz had sent us an e-mail to tell us that production will be pushed back at least 6 months. So until September. We could choose to fly back home or stay here in Australia. I decided to stay. It would be safer to not fly on a plane with hundreds of people who want to rush home as fast as they can.

During these past few weeks, Austin came over a lot. I know it isn’t safe, but being alone is driving me crazy, and apparently him too. We wrote further on some songs we started during the session with Jack and Aaron last week. I also went to his apartment a few times which is just one floor under mine.

One thing I also did this week was painting. I shipped over some stuff to entertain me and a painting set and a canvas were also in it. I painted a house with a river and a walk pad towards the house. I turned out better than I expected. When Austin saw it he literally asked me: “What can’t you do.”

I also had a few calls with my mum and Selena. Sometimes Austin was with me when they called and they talked a few times over the phone with each other. Where Selena and Austin brought up him guest-starring on the Disney show Wizards Of Wavery Place. I did the same with Ashley when she called Austin when he was over. The first time I talked to her I couldn’t believe I was talking to THE Sharpay of the High School Musical trilogy. I think Austin could tell because he was just laughing when he hung up and saw my face. A few days later Austin told me that Ashley had the same reaction as me.

The thing that I picked up on at Austin’s apartment was that he is starting to create a timeline with pictures of Elvis throughout the years on his wall. At first, I was taken aback but he explained, that it could help him better his Elvis impressions until we start filming again.

Another thing that happened was that Austin asked me for another date. He called it a date-at-home. It went like this:

I was putting away my paint stuff while Austin inspected the painting I had just painted.

“What can’t you do? I mean this is incredible for someone who is not taking lessons.”

“I guess I can do a lot of things.”

“You guess, or you know?”

“I know I pick up things really fast, but I didn’t think painting was something I would ever do.”

I walked over to where he was sitting on my sofa. I sit down and take a sip of my drink that was standing there since I started painting. Austin did the same before putting it down and turning to me.

“I want to have another date with you.”

“Austin, you know we can’t go anywhere. Everything is closed.”

“Yes, I know that. But I was thinking about a date-at-home kinda thing. Where we dress up. I come to pick you up. We go to my apartment and have dinner cooked by me.”

“I would love to do that, Austin.”

“Alright, then I will pick you up Monday at 6.”

After that, we just hung out. Did some exercises for his voice and wrote some songs.

So right now I am going through my closet trying to find something to wear that is chic and not too casual. I ordered some things online that arrived yesterday. I also texted Selena this morning when I woke up with my choices. We decided on a black longsleeved turtle neck with a skirt that is checkered and comes to my ankles. I keep my makeup to a minimal natural look.

A few minutes before 6 someone knocks on my door. It’s probably Austin to pick me up. I put on my heels before I open the door. When the door is open I see Austin standing there in a buttoned-up shirt and dress pants. He looks me up and down taking in what I’m wearing. “You look beautiful.” He says when his eyes meet mine. “Thank you. You polish up good.” I say when he holds his arm out for me to hook my hand in.

“If the shops were open I would buy you a bouquet of orchids and hydrangeas.”

He memorized my favorite flowers. This is way too good to be true.

“Well maybe sometime in the future.”

He leads me towards the elevator and pushes on the button so the elevator comes.

“You know, I can perfectly do the stairs. Even in these heels.”

“I know, but I also know from my sister that even when you can do then after a while your feet will hurt as hell.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

When the elevator arrives we get in and stand in comfortable silence while going to his floor. The elevator doors open and we get out. He opens his door and lets me go in first.

Walking in I notice that there are no big lights on, just small table lights. In the middle of the table is a candle burning with on either side plates and cutlery. This really is a romantic date. “Austin, I love this,” I say when I turn to look at him. He visibly relaxes. “I hoped you would.”

He walks me to a chair and holds it out for me to sit in. Then he walks towards the kitchen where he gets a pot from the kitchen. He places it on the table and opens the lid. I’m immediately hit with the smell of spaghetti bolognese. “I hope a simple spaghetti is good for you?” Austin asks. “It’s perfect. It smells amazing.” I tell him while he fills my plate with the delicious-smelling meal.

During the dinner, we talked a lot. We talked more about our family and friends. And sometimes there were a few silent moments but not uncomfortable ones. We also drank a lot of wine. I think we are now halfway through our second bottle and have left the table for the couch. Austin is telling about working on the set with Ashley and how they both immediately clicked. I do have to admit, I’m listening but not really picking up on what he is saying. It could be because of the many glasses of wine that I had, but it could also be because I am unashamed staring at him. He probably thinks it’s me listening. How could I not stare? He looks so attractive in a suit. And his eyes are full of light when he talks about the things he loves.

“You know, you can take a picture if you like to stare at me.” Austin gets me from my staring state. My eyes go wide open from embarrassment and Austin starts to laugh. It takes me a minute to recover from that.

“I get it. I do look good.”

“Oh, you’re getting cocky now?”

“Well, I just caught you full-on staring at me for a couple of minutes without shame. It complements my ego.”

“Well try to look less graceful and then maybe I would actually focus on what you’re saying.”

“You think I look graceful?”

“You look every synonym of beautiful. So yeah, you look graceful, pretty, handsome, gorgeous, raveling, sparkling. I could go on if you’d like.” After I said that his cheeks flushed red.

Oh god, are we flirting?

“Look who’s embarrassed now?”

“Nobody has ever used so many words to tell me I’m beautiful. Even if they are synonyms.”

“Well if something or someone looks beautiful I think you always have to say it to them. It could mean the world to them.”

“I have to say, Hannah. I’ve never met anyone quite like you.”

After he says that we look at each other while staying silent. We are sitting so close to each other that I can feel Austin breathe.

While I continue staring into his ocean blue eyes. I notice him leaning in, so carefully. Like when he does it too fast I would run away. But truth be told I don’t think I want to run. When his lips almost touch mine I can hear him whisper: “I wanted to do this for a long time.”

And then he kisses me.

It’s a slow, passionate kiss that leaves me breathless. When our lips don’t touch anymore he opens his eyes and looks right in mine.

“You have no idea how long I wanted to do this.”

And he kisses me again with even more passion than the last one

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Chapter 5 (OIW)

#austin butler fanfic #austin butler imagines #autinbutler #austin butler #swifties #taylor swift #elvis film #fanfic #taylornation

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tom1bombadil · 3 months

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Cambodia 🇰🇭. 18/6/24

I’m happy to leave Vietnam behind. Cambodia has been pretty good so far. Eye-opening, tragic, beautiful, raw and real.

I rode from Ho Chi Min city, crossed the border at Moc Bai and a spent my first night in the town of Krong Svay Reing. The next day I rode a gruelling 9 hours to Seim Reap, bypassing the capital of Phnom Penh. It was around 3pm when I witnessed a fatal accident, my second this trip. A young man driving an elderly woman on the back of his bike, I assume to be his grandma, swerved to avoid a pothole and got cleaned up by a truck. Everyone stopped. Locals and by-passers tried their best to help but there was nothing to be done but pile the bodies next to a pile of rubbish and wait for an ambulance. I wailed and shook. People seemed surprised by this emotion from a foreigner. I felt naive to this reality, that Cambodian people understand death and the pain that death brings. Almost in familiarity. They are not numb, but accepting. It seemed this wasn’t a tragedy to them. Sad for sure, but not tragic.

In that moment I felt way, way, way out of my fucking depth.

I hadn’t mentioned it in my earlier posts but on the road to Ho Chi Min while descending a hill in light rain I saw a family of three, mother, father and child slide over and go under an oncoming bus. Despite them all wearing helmets I saw the father’s head get squished like a watermelon. They all died. I can still hear the crunch. It was horrible and I’m still pretty shook. From both of these experiences.

I pulled myself together and got back on the road. Night was falling and I could smell that rain was coming. I could feel it. About 2 hours out of Siem Reap the grey clouds burst into a tropical downpour. I found a service station and by the graces of the owner I could rest in shelter. An hour later I was back on the road. The shop had to close and with it I had to leave. Pitch black, no streetlights, rain falling and me; jittery as fuck putting along the highway at 30km per hour with only my faded yellow light to lead me. I arrived to the Gecko Hostel in Siem Reap to a warm welcome and an outburst of relief. After a solemn conversation about life in Cambodia with my host and now good friend Bhunna I slid into to bed. I dreamt I was still driving my bike down that dark and rainy road. I couldn’t, shouldn’t and mustn’t fall asleep. The same fate would surely await me as those poor people I had just witnessed die.

I didn’t take many photos these days. I was way too invested in surviving and making it to my destination. It was immediately obvious that Cambodia was still developing. In the country, sidewalks are rare, many roads are dirt, bumpy and the infrastructure was way behind that of Vietnam. Products of genocide and civil war impeding development. The remnants are obvious even to an untrained eye. As kind as the Cambodian/Khmer people are, I’ve learned everyone has a story of family members, friends and relatives that died in recent memory. Regardless, their kindness, kinship and hospitality knows no bounds. I am amazed, humbled and truly blessed to live the life that I do.

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imdoingsortagay · 2 years

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The baker and her crush - Chapter 1

Summary: After the death of Vision shortly after the birth of her twin boys, Wanda moves into a small city in Jersey and opens a bakery. Which is where she meets you and starts a friendship with you but shortly after it starts Wanda ends up developing feeling for you. What does she do?

Characters: Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Warnings: Baker! Wanda, mention of the avengers, mention of vision as well, fluff, useless lesbians, bakeries and food.

word count: 4.4k words

A/N:everyone go thank @whelpimhere for the prompt, she is the best person in the whole wide world!!!!!!!!! also the way i was gonna have this posted Thursday but everyone and their mother kept interrupting me and making me run errands.

Happy reading besties!!!

Let it be known that Wanda had no plans of ever having a crush on you. After the death of her husband and the birth of her twin boys, romance was not on her list of priorities because her main goal was to be the best and do the best for her kids. Plan on having a crush on someone who became one of her closest friends ( Next to Natasha but she doesn’t have to know that information of course) was not on her list.

She had gotten a love for baking ever since she was a little kid and it had continued as the years went on. It only grew stronger when she had joined the Avengers having access to the best ingredients and items to bake whatever recipe she found online. Tony has spared no expense when it came to groceries for the team and Wanda used that to her advantage very much. It’s how she ended up bonding with Natasha, late nights when both of them couldn’t sleep due to nightmares, and ended up baking famous desserts from Russia and Sokovia. It’s where she ended up falling for the synthezoid Vision, teaching him to bake some of her favorite desserts which he would keep in the back of his mind when Wanda had a bad day and needed something to cheer her up.

So once she was done for good with the Avengers, Wanda had decided to open up a little bakery in new jersey. It was an excellent way to keep her busy while the boys were at school along with something to occupy her mind. Many on the team had tried their best to convince her to stay but it would bring too much sadness to be in the area that reminds her too much of the love of her life. Plus she wanted a fresh start in which she could heal from his death and have the “ ideal family life” she had seen in some of her favorite sitcoms.

Lucky for Wanda, she wasn’t all alone in the town when she had moved in or when she was opening a bakery. She had some friends for support like the remaining avengers, her neighbor to her left Agatha, and you.

Wanda had met you and Agatha 6 years after she had moved to the small town with her then-baby boys, meeting Agatha as well. After college, you had moved into Westview, finding an affordable home close to where you work and avoiding a long commute. Agatha had seen you struggling with some of your boxes, and immediately made friends with you, claiming you need someone to “ have fun within such a boring town” or whatever. That day you were tired from driving so you just smiled and nodded at whatever she said. After a week of unpacking, and waiting for furniture to be delivered, you had a little get-together with Agatha as well as her mystery plus one.

Which is where you met Wanda and had become best friends right away. Both of you had the same taste in tv shows, books and music so it was no shock to anyone that you’d click right away. Along with that both of you always seem to be up at the early hours of the night, Wanda because of the kids and you with many deadlines your boss had given you that you’d have to finish late at night at home.

Years ago

“ How are the babies Wanda?” you ask her on your phone, Wanda and Tommy on facetime with you as you are trying your best to finish this deadline so you can get 4 hours of sleep.

“ Billy is fast asleep while Tommy here,” she shows the 1-year-old boy she’s holding on her side who seems to be wide awake,” wants to help Mommy with some cleaning here in the kitchen instead of sleeping like his brother”

“Oh poor baby, “ you say to her as you finish the last of the project,” once I send the last of this to my boss I can give both of you my undivided attention,” you tell her through the phone and successfully send the email with 20 minutes to space from the deadline that was set.

“ finally y/n, now can you tell me about what your mystery admirer sent today to your house,” the redhead says to you, trying her best to get Tommy to sleep and failing badly.

“ Well yesterday they left a box of some of the best croissants ever, I’m talking stuff that would be found in Paris, god they were amazing and today they left some snickerdoodles at my door when I got up,” you show both of them the box of cookies left for you when you got up for work. Tommy just continued to make baby noises as he had no sense of what cookies were while his mother was smiling like crazy at how excited you had gotten over the box of cookies.

It had been about 4 weeks since a mystery person had left you baked goods for you in the morning, just leaving a note with said dessert and you still have not gotten close to finding out who it was.

“ Oh, snickerdoodles!!! How amazing, I wonder if y/n had figured out who sent them all this food,” she says to her son and he giggles at the baby voice being used by his mom, as Wanda continues to hear about the dessert that was left to you.

Around the time that the boys were around one year old, Wanda had developed a crush on you and had been having a hard time trying to “ woo” you or whatever modern term the kids use these days.

You can’t blame Wanda for not having the moves with you, at the time it was still weird for her to even like someone after Vision had died. It felt like she was betraying him by liking you so she had hoped that maybe if she had dropped off some stuff she had baked for you before heading to the bakery in the morning, then you could get the hint about the crush the woman had on you.

So far there’s been no progress at all with her crush on you, only seeming to grow bigger as the years went on, especially when you spent more time with the boys when Wanda had gotten busy with the Bakery, having to hire 2 people to help her out. She didn’t think it would be such a hit in Westview but she was happy nonetheless with all of the new customers and the happy faces who came to taste her desserts.

“ Are you sure you can take care of the boys while I deal with the problem at the bakery? I don’t want to have you babysit on your day off and stuff -”

“ Wanda I don’t mind taking care of them, now go and deal with the new hire while the three of us watch some paw patrol,” you say as the 3-year-olds are too busy paying attention to the plot of the show.

Whatever plot you can’t seem to figure out always seems to get their attention for what feels like hours.

Your friend gives you a checklist that’s meant for her babysitter, kisses them on the head before making her way out of the house to go and help the new hire at the bakery before he ends up setting the place on fire by doing something dumb.

Once she helps the dude with the unexpected rush of customers, Wanda finally comes home to see the three of you sitting on the living floor. Both of them are putting their full attention on you as you show them some of the Lego sets that you’ve built over the years, having a whole folder on your phone dedicated to it.

“ Boys Mommy is home!!!” Wanda announces and both of them run off from their spots to greet their mom with a big hug.

“ How were the boys y/n? Did you have fun with y/n boys?” she asked and hoped that nothing went in the couple of hours she was gone. As much as she loved the boys, they sometimes have a problem with making babysitters quit, so maybe the universe can help her out and hoped they were on their best behavior

“ Mommy we had fun with auntie y/n,” Tommy says and Billy nods in agreement with his brother.

“ Y/n let us have ice cream and then we got to watch some tv and she even showed us legos,” Billy says with excitement in his voice, mostly from the ice cream you had given him but still very much a good response.

“ Yea mommy, can we get legos like the ones y/n has?” Tommy says and gives Wanda some of his best puppy eyes.

“ If you and your brother go and clean up the mess in the living room,” she points to the mess of toys,” we can go to the store” and both of the boys run off to clean up the mess of toys while you get up to go and talk to Wanda.

“ Both of them were on their best behavior don’t you worry,” you say and place your hand on her shoulder which takes Wanda a bit to wonder what this means,” as always if you need me to babysit here or at my house, I’m always happy to”.

“ You're the best friend ever you know that y/n?” Wanda says to you in a sweet tone and you smile back at her.

She has no idea how the fuck this crush on you hasn't killed her yet or how you haven’t figured out it was her delivering all the desserts.

It even leads to the both of you sometimes having late-night baking sessions after the boys fall asleep or when Natasha along with her sister Yelena volunteer to babysit the twins while she handles the stuff in the bakery.

By “ Handling stuff “ that means baking different types of desserts while you taste test them and give your honest opinion on them. What else did you think?

It was a nice Thursday evening, the sunset had just set in Westview as the redhead across from you is testing out a new flavor for cookies she wants to sell along with some cupcakes as summer gets closer. It had been kind of sweet and a little domestic just watching the redhead do her magic as she reads over different recipes that have been in her family since she was a small child.

You didn’t even notice that you were zoned out watching her bake until you felt some flour hit your face, Wanda on the other side of you giggling like an idiot that she caught you off guard, unaware of the reason behind it.

A couple of seconds pass by as you quickly move items with sort of value away from her baking station and an all-out food fight begins in the kitchen. Loud laughs and cheers can be heard by everyone within half a mile, both of you not giving 2 shits if you get called by the police for being too loud.

20 minutes later, both of you call it a draw ( Wanda trying to claim that she won fair and square), and you spend another 30 minutes or so cleaning the mess that you had created in the bakeries kitchen, not wanting to piss off the employee who had closed that night after hearing about the food fight and the aftermath of it.

Wanda managed to bake like she had wanted to even with the impromptu food fight that occurred. Both of you sit in front of the oven, patiently waiting for the cupcakes to be done so the cookies can bake. Just happy to enjoy the silence and energy between the two of them in the kitchen.

“ y/n???”

“ Yeah Wanda?” you ask her.

“ Did you ever figure out who that secret admirer was ?”

“ I have not Wanda,” you say looking at her,” why are you asking me ?”

“ Well,” she says and avoids making eye contact with you, afraid of the reaction of what she’s going to admit to you,” I do know who is it”.

Better late than never to tell you that she’s been the one leaving an assortment of desserts at your door. It’s a surprise to hear that you still haven’t figured it out yet but then again if you don’t get a good amount of sleep, it’s hard for you to think.

“ Wait, are you telling me all this time you’ve known who it was Wanda?????” you say in a surprised tone. It’s not that you’ve been hating all of the food they have been delivering, it's saved you so much money since this has started but with your busy job, there’s been a difficulty with trying to figure out who the mystery person is.

Most of your free time that you do have, is used for sleeping or helping out your friends ( mostly Wanda if you had to be honest) with whatever problems they had. Sometimes even put together some amazing lego sets to display in your office as well.

As you patiently wait for Wanda to tell you who the mystery person is, the alarm that she had set on her phone rings at the perfect moment. She wanted to tell you but her thoughts were getting the best of her, unfortunately.

She decided to tell you another time when it’s just the both of you and she isn’t focusing on baking and her business.

Maybe she’ll start to telling over people about it.

Which she decides to do when she gets back home from the bakery to see Natasha and Yelena in her living room, with both of her boys sleeping on either side of them. It’s kind of a cute thing to see but feels it’s too risky to take a picture.

“ I’ll take the boys to their bed,” Yelena mouths to her as she wakes up the boys so they can sleep in their room.

Once Yelena has both of them Wanda gives her a thumbs up and smiles, and Natasha gives her a questioning look. She knows her too well to know that something must be up, probably having to do with you.

“ Wanda are you okay?” Natasha asks her and that’s when Wanda decides to tell her about you, well she knew who you were but the part about having a crush on you. Yelena even got to hear a bit of the story and once she was done, all Wanda could feel at the moment was relief that someone heard her talk about you.

She also feels hopeful that after telling both of them about you, they could help her come up with a plan so she could say to you without being nervous. And that’s what the three of them 2 for the next three hours, accompanied by the help of coffee.

“ She needs to go big Natasha, Wanda would want to impress this y/l/n chick,” Yelena states, being firm on her plan of doing something big and over the top while Natasha is on the other side of this. Keep it plain and simple so she can make the point.

“ Let me guess Yelena, you got it from all those cheesy romcoms??” Natasha says to her younger sister, getting flipped off by the blonde for liking those types of movies for the cheesy romance and predictable plot.

“ They are not cheesy! It's funny for you to say it’s cheesy when I saw you watching the wedding planner the last week when it came back from the mission with Kate”.

“ for research stupid”

“ Sure it was Natasha, cause by the looks of it you seemed to be intrigued by the plot and I saw no paper around you STUPID-”

“ Okay call me stupid one more time- “

“ Stupid”

“ I’m gonna tell Kate about the time you stole her leftover mac and cheese that she bought from that once fancy restaurant.”

“ YOU WILL NOT TELL HER NATASHA OR IM GONNA FIGHT YOU” Yelena whisper yells to her sister in an attempt to wake up Billy and Tommy from their slumber

“ And I’m gonna win”

“ Sure Natasha with your lame tech”

“It's not lame “

“ Lame”

“ Now call me lame one more time-”

“ WILL BOTH OF YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF DUMMIES AND HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK I’M GONNA TELL Y/N,” Wanda whisper yells at both the widows which makes them shut up right away. It didn’t even wake up the boys at all too so she’s happy about that. They both take a break from arguing like a bunch of idiots to help their friend with her current problem.

Yelena and Natasha stop and both find a way to combine their ideas, and one hour after their 5-hour brainstorming session, both of them were able to come up with a plan for Wanda

Wanda knocks on your door a couple of times, holding a box of heart-shaped cookies that were personally decorated by Billy and Tommy themselves. Who had been woken up by all of the talking at night when one of the boys woke up from a nightmare and had walked into the living to find all the women in their brainstorming session. The plan that was made by the widows was thrown out the window for the plan that both her boys.

“ Can we help with your plan mommy?” Billy asks as Wanda is walking them to school, the question taking her by surprise that the boys were awake when she was with Natasha and Yelena what to do.

“ Wait how do you know about the plan boys ?”

“ I woke up from a nightmare and heard you talking with auntie Nat and Yelena but went back to sleep right after,” Billy tells her and pauses,” And then I told Tommy about it when I woke up the next morning. The next time she sees the widows she’s gonna have to throw a pillow at their faces for being too loud.

The redhead takes a moment to check the time on her phone, she still has 30 minutes til school starts, so it gives her more than enough time to hear the plan Billy and Tommy had come up with.

Which led her to where she’s standing at the moment, a box of cookies made by her, decorated by her sons, a nice card made by herself with a nice written note on it and hopes that all of this goes well for her.

It takes all of her not to check the time on her phone but that would just make her even more nervous than she already is and all she could do at the moment is just waiting for you to open the door for her.

“ Ralph if you need one more fucking egg from me again I'm gonna have to start giving you direction to the grocery store and -, “ you say as you see it’s not your annoying neighbor who never seems to have eggs to cook with,” Wanda hi! What are you doing here so early in the morning??”

“ I came to deliver these cookies that I and the boys made yesterday,” she tells you while handing you the box,” and to also give you this card that I wrote, I’m too nervous to tell you so I wrote my feelings in the card”.

You step to the side to let Wanda in so she can come in while you read the card.

“ Where are the boys?”

“ Asleep right now, Natasha is here so she’s with them so they are not alone in the house,” Wanda says.

Wanda takes a seat on your couch right next to you and you open the card to see the most beautiful design and the sweetest message ever. The woman next to you relaxes for a bit seeing the big smile on your face.

Dear Y/N

When my husband had died when the boys were just babies, I had no idea if I’d even be able to love someone again like I did Vision, and then I met you. I had started off seeing you as just a friend and as both of us spent more time together, I started to develop feelings for you. The feelings I had for you made me feel guilty for having them but you are such an amazing person, so nice to me and everyone around you, helping me with the boys, and so on. I think my favorite thing about you is how good you are with kids, especially when some people might hate kids for no reason, here you are always being so nice, being so cool with them and they love how cool and nice you are( maybe because of the legos for Tommy but I’m not too sure about that being the only reason). So as my feelings started to develop, I decided that sending you different desserts would maybe help you get the hint but clearly, my plan did not work too well in my favor since I’m here rambling.

To make a long story short, I like you so much y/n you have no idea

Sincerely, the mystery dessert person, Wanda Maximoff

You check the back of the card to see the cutest messages ever from the twins too, guess they wanted credit for their part in this too.

Cookie decor by Tommy And Billy :)

“ Natasha and Yelena had this big plan made up,” Wanda start to talk after giving you time to read the card,” but the boys said it was too hard and decided that I should just go simple, plus they wanted to decorate some cookies for you”.

You open the box and 2 heard cookies decorated by what seems to be Wanda and 2 other ones that seem to look like lego pieces, which you assume were decorated by both Billy and Tommy. You make a mental note that the next time you see them, you’ll thank them for the cute cookies.

“I am so dumb Wanda,” you say to her.

“ No, you aren’t y/n”

“ All this time it was you and now I feel bad because you’ve been so nice and yeah I do have feelings because oh my god,” you pause,” Wanda you're like the coolest person I’ve ever known, stupid hot, and like the best mom in the whole world like you could get anyone else and I'm lame -”

Wanda interrupts your rambling to kiss her and to say it’s the best kiss you’ve ever had would be a total understatement. Her lips are so soft on yours, the way she’s holding on to you is so gentle and all you want to do is be in this position with her forever but at some point, both of you do need air to breathe.

“ Hi y/n”

“ You did that because? “

“ To stop you from rambling,” she says with a smile and leads you to the couch so both of you can sit for a while, to bask in the moment.

“ hahaha right,” you tell her and do your best to hide the blush that’s appearing on your face but she stops you from doing that. Wanting to see how cute you look after kissing you like she’s been wanting you for years.

“ If I actually would have seen the clue that it was you I would have realized sooner,” you tell her Wanda.

“ I know but y/n,” she takes a hold of both of your hands,” I know that you would have seen it was me all of those years ago but your job kept you too busy but hey here we are now and that’s all that matters”.

“ I can’t wait to see how everyone else reacts to this,” you tell her.

“ Can I kiss you again Wanda?” you ask her and you pull her to sit on your lap so you can feel her close to you and kiss her some more before she has to leave you.

For the most part, when you do tell people it’s all mostly a good reaction from friends and family.

Agatha is happy but not surprised it took you both this long to admit the feeling both of you had for each other. Something about you being the most useless lesbians she’s ever met, unsure as to what she meant by that but a happy reaction from her anyway.

Both Billy and Tommy were over the moon at the news of both of you admitting your feelings to each other. Her sons gave each other high fives at the fact that their plan went super great, along with the fact that their mom was happy with them. You even got the “ if you hurt her “ talk from the boys when Wanda was in the bathroom but you promised then not to ever break her heart.

Everyone else was also happy for both of you as well. Natasha and Yelena were excited when Wanda had told them but Yelena was a bit mad when they heard their plan wasn’t used.

“ You mean to tell me that we came up with the best plan ever and you threw it away for your kid's plan????” Yelena says a bit in shock.

“ Why are you even mad about it Yelena, we can just use that plan for someone else when the time comes,” Natasha tells her sister to calm her down a bit. She’s also mad at the plan not being used as well, not as mad at Yelena. If there’s something known about Natasha is that she’s very well at hiding emotions from others but Wanda could tell. They were happy to see that their friend was able to find love again nonetheless.

Let it be known, that even after 6 years after the death of her husband, she was able to move on from her feelings for him. Even after she felt like having any sort of romantic feelings for anyone else would be like betraying him, here she was able to tell you how she feels about you.

Overall, Wanda is just excited for the future when it comes to her bakery as it seems to always be increasing with happy customers but also a future where she can be happy and have a romantic relationship with you.

#lizs writing #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #marvel insert #wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximoff fluff

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butlersbabe · 2 years

Text

Good Man’s Land– Cowboy!A.B. x Reader

a/n: hiii my sweet loves! i appreciate all the love and support! only one more part!! i’m working on requests! please be understanding with me, i move to college tomorrow! this week i will seem very transparent but i really hope to post as much as i can! i really cannot express the amount of thankfulness i have for ALL of you!

warnings: SMUT!! minors please please please DNI. swearing, pet death, fire. this one is kinda angsty.

w/c: 3.7k

part three 🌾

Part IV.

You ran a stick of brownish lipstick across both of your lips. Rubbing them together, you pick up a brush and relax your curls that you’d done earlier but let them sit so they’d stick a bit more. Granted, you had no hope in them but you’d look cute for at least an hour. You wore a cute pair of bell bottoms and a striped tube top. Papa cleaned your nasty boots for you but you didn’t exactly tell him why you’d asked him to. Unplugging the curler and cleaning up your vanity, you give one last look before going downstairs.

Austin waits on the couch in the living room and whistles when you finally stand in front of him. You smile and he grabs you hand and gives you a little spin before he speaks when his eyes are already saying. “Aren’t you just the prettiest cowgirl?” You grin and hum, “Well I’ve got the most handsome cowboy, so it’s fitting.” You receive a kiss on the cheek from him and he turns you so that the both of you can leave. Mama and Papa were already winding down, which meant you both were free to do virtually anything you wanted. There was a church but they could skip if they played their cards right. But they shouldn't get in much trouble even if caught. You take the passenger’s seat as Austin hops into the driver’s and starts the 68’ Ford F-150, taking off after a few seconds. The sun was coming down and painted a beautiful gold scene on anything it touched. His hand found its way onto your thigh, making you smile as you glance out the window.

It was about a 15 minute drive to Marfa, 5 minutes to the restaurant. That left a bit of time for talking, getting to know one another. You found out he has a sister, Ashley. He was born on August 17th. He hates cookie dough ice cream, and his favorite color is blue. You also found out that he lost his mom a while back too…You were hesitant to admit the same thing, you didn’t want to make him feel like you were downplaying his near identical loss. But you told him about yourself, how you played soccer for 6 years as a kid, took up ballet for a day, cried and didn’t go back, how you used to spend summers with Mama and Papa. You even told him about the one time you couldn’t get out of the tire swing and peed your pants because you were so upset. Then you talked about your dad, how he worked as a dispatcher and was kind of a freelance worker, and you talked about your mom. How she was the sweetest lady on earth and you wished to be like her one day. You didn’t necessarily mention her death but Austin took notice.

Arriving at Planet Marfa, he tells you to wait in your seat before he could run around the front of the truck, to your side and open the door. “Let me get this for you, darlin’.” he says. You scoot out and thank him, granting him a kiss on the cheek. He closed the door and you hook your arm around his and enter the venue. There was live music playing and lights were strung all over the “beer garden”, as Austin could best describe the place. You both took a seat at the only table that seemed empty and awaited a server. The waitress, she said you could call her Trixie, asked what you were having and Austin ordered nachos for the table. After showing her ID’s, you both ordered drinks. A Corona with lime for the blonde boy, and you just got a rum and coke. The nachos and drink came to the table after only about five minutes, you were impressed with the quality of the food. The drinks were good too. You really enjoyed the music, the atmosphere, everything. You two talked and laughed, the date was near perfect.

Back at home, you and Austin find a couple more beers to crack open. He sat at the table while you stayed standing, grabbing a glass of water along with your alcohol. “I’m gonna have to take you dancing, I’m sorry I didn't take you out on the floor.” He apologizes, you shrug. “It’s okay,” you say, taking a sip of your cold water. “I’m not much of a dancer. The best I can do is sway and pray.” He stands and pushes the chair in then starts tapping at his phone.

“Well let's get to swayin’ and prayin’ then.” He clicks his phone off and sits it on the counter. “Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves begins to play and he leads your arms to wrap around his neck and his own find comfort on your hips. You both begin to sway in sync. He gives you a dorky smile, you roll your eyes then lay your head on his shoulder, his head following to lay on yours. You two let the song play while you slow dance in the dimly lit kitchen. He softly hums along to the tune. One of your hands gently drag your nails wherever they could reach.

Austin holds you like you’d leave the second he let go. His grip on you was never painful but it was so secure. And you felt so at home in his arms. Like you’d been longing for this feeling from another person for as long as you could remember. You’d been in a few relationships but never had such a good connection. It was a new feeling. It made you a bit nervous. Your heart was beating so hard you were sure it’d leave a dent in the blond’s own chest.

Both pairs of boots scuffle across the wooden floors, denim against denim. The ending of the song comes too soon, he spins you and gives you a dip. Finishing, you fall apart from each other. He stands in front of you and places a hand gently on your face and slowly his face gravitates towards yours, a single hand still on your hip. The pitter patter of rain starts to tap the tin roofing, it gets harder by the second. But you swore you could only hear Austin’s breathing. He must’ve been nervous too. That’s probably why he didn’t take you out on the dance floor.

His lips were inches away before you both heard creaky footsteps finding their way to the kitchen and you both pulled away before anyone could see anything. “What in tarnation are you two doing? Go get in bed.” Mama asks, her hair back in a ponytail and her muumuu wrinkled.

You both chimed “Yes, Ma’am.”

Something told you to go stay with Austin that night. You didn’t want sex, but you wanted to be next to him. You weren’t ready to have tonight end just yet.

You turn your light off and your feet take you to Austin’s room as quietly as you could. He was already in bed, lights off and everything. So you just climb into bed with him. You throw the covers on and fit into his arms. He wakes up for a second but doesn’t fret. “What's going on, pretty girl?” He asks. “Nothing, just felt like having a sleepover.” He nods, “I’d like that.” And he pulls you in and sleep finds you.

You wake up to Papa shouting. You shoot up from your spot in the bed and Austin hazily asks what you were doing. And then Mama’s shouting for the both of you. That rids Austin of any tiredness he had a split second before. You and Austin jump out of bed and race downstairs and slip your boots on. The scent of burning hay, wood, and whatever else fills your nostrils. You fly out of the door to see the chicken coop, pig pen, and part of the stables engulfed in angry orange flames. Your heart stopped beating for damn near the whole 10 seconds that you stood on the porch in shock.

Austin brings your back from your paralyzed state and hurries off the porch, out to the pen and stables, you follow him. Papa and Mama are already letting the horses out. Austin opens the coop and rushes Hank to heard the chickens out. Though old and tired, Chuck is already at work with the hogs. You grab the garden hose and start to spray the fire as much as possible. Austin takes the chicken’s water bucket and pours it on the hay that was set ablaze, taking most of it out then stomping on the rest.

Papa hollers at Mama to get water from the inside and throw it on the pigpen hay. The stables grew even more burnt by the second even though you were spraying it with water. Nothing seemed to be going out. Austin runs to shut the gate even though the cattle guard did a lot of the work on its own.

Papa takes the hose and gets closer to the fire and starts to lessen the burning. “Go help Mama.” He demands, you take off into the house and begin to fill a bucket with water that sits next to the counter that’s usually for eggs. After it is filled, you struggle to take it out and throw it on the fire.

Chuck was a good dog. He always listened. But when you hear Austin screaming at the dogs to get back from the flames, it stumps, and honestly broke your heart, when Chuck didn’t listen. He ran straight into the pigpens which meant there was probably still livestock. And you hated that Chuck was such a good dog. He knew his job was to clear out all the animals. And he was doing his job.

“Chuck!” You screamed, dropping the bucket. You ran as fast as your legs could go. “Chucky! Get out of there!” Your voice wailed, tears starting to stream down your face. “Y/N!” You suddenly feel strong arms holding onto you, picking you up and then dropping you to your knees. Of course it was Austin, he couldn’t stand seeing you get hurt. So he did as any good cowboy would do, he told his cowgirl to stay back while he went to find your dog. All the while, Hank barks and pleads for someone to save his best friend.

Within minutes, Austin walks back out, Chuck’s lifeless body in his arms.

“No!” Your scream was bloodcurdling. You rush to Austin and the cow dog. He places him on the ground and Chuck just flops to the ground. “Mama! Papa! Help!”

Mama quickly came over and felt for a pulse, breath, anything. Nothing was working. Her watery eyes look at yours and she shakes her head. You break down, laying on the sweet, loyal dog. “Goddamnit.” You cry, tears falling from your eyes. You couldn’t do anything but cry over your dog.

“Deanna! I need help!” Your papa shouts, and you look up to see Hank whining over your and Chuck’s body. Austin and Mama run to him and start to help.

Then, you felt a droplet on your head. And another. Another. It starts raining. You look over at the fire, the hard rain makes it shrink at an incredible pace. Until it’s out and Papa drops the hose. And Mama starts shouting praises to God. But you were almost positive Chuck was the one who made it rain. The three came back to you, everyone was crying. Papa laid a hand on your shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Poppy. He was a good dog.” You breathlessly sob over his body until Austin pulls you off of him, you shake your head begging that he left you with the dog. That you wanted to wait and make sure he was going to wake up. “C’mon, Y/N. Let’s go back inside.” Unwillingly, you went back inside and took a tearful shower and went back to bed, curling into a ball, crying yourself to bed.

You all had a short and sweet service for Chucky that rainy morning before church. He was buried underneath the tree that he would chase you around as a child. The tire swing that once hung wasn’t there anymore. Instead, a small wooden cross staked into the ground. It had a small epitaph written on it with a chunky sharpie.

Good Boy, Chuck. 2008-2022.

You didn’t bother doing makeup that morning. Austin held onto the whole day. You couldn’t get through the service without crying. Mama was crying the whole time too. You had gone out to the car half way through. The sermon was about how there was a place for all of us after we die. And although you weren’t sure about your religion, you hoped Chuck went to that beautiful place they promised there was.

You knew things at home wouldn’t continue the same. There was a lot of rebuilding to be done and though it wouldn’t take much for the stables to be boarded up and painted. And the pens for the pigs and the chickens wasn’t a big deal. Everything just felt so heavy.

You were washing up the plates from lunch when you feel a pair of strong arms come around your waist and a head rest on your shoulder. “Are you okay?” You nod because that felt easier. It felt a lot easier than explaining how your childhood was wiping out a lot quicker than you had liked it. You were being forced to grow up without a reminder of what a lovely childhood you’d lived.

“Are you sure?”

“No. But I can’t keep crying. I’m so tired of being sad.” Your lip wobbles.

“Then let’s do everything we can to make sure you’re not sad anymore. Let’s be happy, okay? The sun isn’t out but it’s raining. And rain helps the crops and there are puddles we can jump around in.”

You laid down the dishes and wrapped your soapy hands around Austin.

“I’m really lucky to have you. Please don’t leave me?” He says and it didn’t feel out of place. Just…unexpected.

“I never will.”

Finally, it’s the evening. The rain had seemed to stop and it became warmer. You and Austin take Elvis and Jagger down to the pond to let them frolic while you two sit and talk about whatever was on your mind. You laid back on the plaid quilt while Austin skipped rocks across the lake. The setting sun smooches your skin with its golden glow as much as it could through the wandering clouds. You wore a little sundress you’d been hoarding for months, Austin said the color was a good one on you. You listened to anything this boy said. It amazed you. The way you were so infatuated with this soul. The wind whistles as it passes by you to say hello. Against the gusts, Austin’s music played off his phone. Just a bunch of country oldies, Chris Stapleton, George Strait, Johnny Cash. All that jazz, it was his favorite. And quite honestly, it was becoming yours too. Your eyes fall shut under the impression you’d take a nap while Austin did whatever it was he brought you both out here to do.

“Y/N.” The boy plops down next to you. You roll on your side, propping your head up with your hand, the boy mirroring you. “Hi, lover.” You smile, cupping his face with your free hand. “We need to head back soon.” You remind him of the time. 7:42, your phone displayed last time you checked. “We don't have to go back just right away, right?” He asks, giving your wrist a gentle peck. You take that hand and tuck a piece of hair behind your ear that was blown into your face.

He leans in to give you a kiss that lasts at least 25 seconds. He pulls you in, you now laid on your back. Your heart was racing after he kissed you again, this time with tongue and you knew he wanted more. You did too.

His lips attach to your neck, sucking soft pretty pink marks that were almost invisible into your tender skin. His free hand finds the hem of your pulling it up just enough to reveal your panties and he plays with the band, wanting to break through. You prop your legs to give him more room. His lips litter chaste kisses across your chin. His fingers migrate towards your heat and back up to your belly that rose and fell with your shaky breaths.

Austin lets a deep breath out and his hand finally breaks the barrier between you and him. He looks at you for confirmation. You nod. Two fingers divide your folds and they rub tiny gentle circles into your clit. A huff exits your body, your eyes closing. Austin’s lips gently suck at your neck again, the pace picking up, pressure starts to build in the pit of your stomach. You let out a whimper that could only be described as desperate. Desperate for more than this.

His fingers dance along your clit while you writhe, your voice calling out his name every other second. Austin speeds his pace, making you lose control of your legs. They shake while the wind plays with your dress. You prop back up when you feel the sensation becoming too much to handle. You gasp and moan until your climax runs through your whole body. A sound that Austin would later call “the most heavenly thing” left your lips as you trapped his hand between your legs. You grab his wrist, pulling it away. He smiles at you in your hazy state.

You eventually grinned back, the quiet thunder woke you from your open eyed rest. You reach over and push him to his back and settle between his legs. Stretch and begin to pluck the buttons of his shirt until his chest is on full display. You both giggle at the deed that was being done, unbuckling his belt. With his help, you pull his jeans and boxers to release his painfully hard dick. You take it in your hand and lick the length of his cock, taking the tip in your mouth once you reach the top and swirl your tongue around it for a few seconds. Taking the rest into your mouth, you place your hands on his thighs, gripping them. He lets out a filthy moan, a hand grasping the picnic blanket.

“Fuck, Y/N. Feels so good, baby.”

You suck hard and bob quickly, trying your best to get a good reaction out of him. You knew he was feeling good from the way his hips would buck to help the tip of his penis meet the back of your throat. He was close, very close. He grabbed your hair as you let off with a wet pop. Austin’s face contorts into a confused look. You stand as he sits up. You slip off your panties from under your dress and toss them.

You straddle Austin and slowly, you lower yourself onto his cock. You let out a sweet, soft moan over Patsy Cline sorrowfully singing about how she’s crazy over someone. Austin enveloped your waist with his arms, prompting you to move. You do the same to his neck, pressing the side of his face into your chest. Thunder cracks, but you two don’t care a bit. Your breath is heavy again as you roll your hips against his. He would push his pelvis into yours as much as he could without support behind him.

You both kept the pace slow, it was enough to get both of you off but that didn’t even seem like the point of the current moment. Just being intimate and so close felt like the only thing that mattered right then and there.

Soon enough the rate picked up. You couldn’t help but throw your head back in pleasure, whimpers falling from your lips again.

“I’m close, baby.” Austin hums into your shoulder. “Me too,” You said, panting.

“Austin! Y/N!”

You both froze.

“Dinner’s almost ready! Come inside before it starts to rain again! Bring the horses in too!” Mama’s voice rang out all the way from the house.

“Okay, coming!” Well, not now, you weren’t.

You both got up and made yourselves presentable, but you had one minor problem, you couldn't find your underwear. You searched around but gave up after 2 minutes, not wanting Mama to worry about you two anymore.

After calling the horses back to you, walking them back to the stable and taking care of all of that, you walk straight up to your room to change. Austin just sits on the couch with Papa and discusses rebuild details.

“I’m glad you and Austin get along now.” Mama says, chopping the potatoes up while you make gravy. You laugh, little did she know. “Yeah, he’s a good guy.”

“Papa! Can you come in here for a second?” She hollers from the kitchen into the living room. Shouting was her specialty. “Yes, ma’am?” Papa says, leaning against the counter. “Why don’t you tell Poppy the good news?” Papa smiles and crossed him arms.

“We’re buying you a place in Denver.” He starts, your breathing stops. “In the same place as your daddy. And we’re giving you money for a few month's rent and some groceries. I have a friend up there who just started a feed business and I told him about you and he said he’d love to give you a job in the office or hands on.”

You were caught off gaurd to say the least. “That’s great! Uh- I- Thank you!”

“Well, we’re just super proud of the work you’ve been putting in and we wanted to set you up and make sure you knew how much we appreciated all you’ve done.”

“Does Austin know?”

“He doesn’t yet but we don’t think he’ll mind being the only farmhand again.”

“Can I tell him?”

“Well, sure, kiddo.”

You nod and go on with cooking. You’re leaving. After such a short time with Austin. How was the timing always so bad?

#austin butler #elvis 2022 #austin butler x reader #austin butler fic #elvis x reader #austin butler imagine #elvis presley #elvis movie #austin butler elvis #cowboy!austin #austin butler x reader smut #austin butler x y/n #austin butler smut #austin butler fanfiction

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eloves-writes · 3 years

Text

a failed attempt to hate you

(tristan dugray)

a/n: i can only apologise if this writing is terrible, i wrote most of this in the middle of the night hopped up on medication for my disgusting cold. i hope it makes sense. anywho thanks for reading, enjoy, mwah <3

screw mr medina for making you help tristan study. you knew he knew from rory your inherent disdain for him, and it wasn’t your fault he was falling behind therefore not your responsibility to help him (as you had told mr medina last tuesday, with no effect). it was now sunday morning and you held little hope he would actually show up this time; he had somehow managed to cancel on your little study date 6 times already and it had only been 5 days since you were handed this apparently mammoth task. honestly, you didn’t expect him to show up at all, especially not anytime before noon- for which reasons you had made the decision put on your usual lazy sunday morning reading in bed get-up, which included (but was not limited to) an oversized rock concert shirt rory’s friend lane had given you in an attempt to clear her closet of non-christian attire, nothing but underwear underneath since you wouldn’t plan on leaving the comfort of your bedsheets for many hours, and a loose silk scrunchie you accidentally stole from rory keeping your hair out of your eyes.

your book of choice today was ‘harry potter and the goblet of fire’ , the most recently released chapter of the boy wizard’s adventures at hogwarts. the clock beside you read 9:15 as you comfied yourself for a morning of magic and adventure, which naturally was ended a mere 8 minutes later at 9:23 when the doorbell rang downstairs. you assumed your mother would answer it, but when it rang a second time you remembered your parents had both gone out to watch your sibling’s soccer match and you’d have to get it yourself.

it didn’t even cross your mind to put pants on, or that it may not be the postman at the door, until you opened it to see your very favourite chilton student whose eyes had hastily wandered to your bare legs. typical high school boy, you thought to yourself before your brain actually grasped the situation and kick started into action.

‘tristan. hi.’ you said with a slight shock in your voice.

‘erm, hi. i hope i’m not interrupting anything,’ he smirked, glancing down at your thighs again.

you rolled your eyes so aggressively you hoped mr medina could hear it from wherever he was spending his day, irritating boy-less and free to do whatever he wanted with his time.

‘you’re not,’ you quipped. ‘i just didn’t expect you to actually show up this time. and early may i add, i’m sure we said 11.’

‘we did, but i’ve got plans later so i thought i’d come by earlier and get this over with.’

‘how did you know i didn’t have plans? i might have been busy before 11.’

he pulled a face of amusement and you could swear you saw a hint of sarcasm shining through his eyes too. ‘right. are you done talking now or can i come in?’

‘you can come in, i guess,’ you sighed, closing the door behind him and showing him to the kitchen table. ‘wait here, i’ll go and get my books.’

‘grab some pants whilst you’re at it.’

‘stop talking,’ you called as you walked upstairs.

you came back downstairs a few minutes later fully-clothed and carrying your english notes to see that tristan had wandered from the chair you specifically remembered telling him to sit in, and was instead tracing a finger along the bookcase that stretched across the far wall of your living room. for a moment you just watched him nosey into your life; the framed certificates, the family photos, the 5 tapes of ‘beauty and the beast’ stacked atop of each other because it was your favourite film when you were 9 and practically every living relative had bought you a copy. beside those was a picture of you dressed as princess belle at disneyworld with chocolate ice cream smeared from cheek to cheek, a huge smile plastered between. tristan picked it up and turned to face you.

‘thoroughly adorable. seriously, you should go for this look more often.’

‘ha ha,’ you grimaced, snatching it off him and placing it back on the shelf. ‘are we studying or reminiscing on my past fashion choices?’

‘oo, someone’s in a good mood this morning huh,’ he teased. you pulled another face, once again silently cursing mr medina for completely ruining not just your day, but in fact your whole week. by god this boy got more irritating the more time you spent with him- it had only been 10 minutes, but it was 10 minutes longer than you ever previously had or ever wanted to.

‘can i get a drink before we start?’ he asked, redirecting the conversation and walking past you back into the kitchen. he began opening various cupboards, searching for a glass. ‘where’s the-’

‘why yes, tristan. you can have a drink,’ you snarked, opening the cupboard behind him with a dramatic flourish. he raised his eyebrows at you and reached forward to grab a glass, leaning over you as he did so. you caught a whiff of his cologne and almost forgot to dislike him for a moment.

‘there’s, um, soda in the ... fridge,’ you told him, voice unwillingly faltering as he looked down to meet your eyes. he had pretty eyes. pretty, blue, sparkling, stupid, annoying, asshole eyes.

you found the thick tension sickening. you refused to be another girl at school who simply swooned over him when he walked past your locker. you didn't like him. you were here to teach him english. because he was dumb. and actually, his eyes weren’t that nice.

he grabbed a soda out of the fridge and you both sat down at the table and began reading through your analysis of ‘to kill a mockingbird’, adamantly pretending not to see him staring at you the whole time.

why? he had had every popular and pretty girl in the whole of chilton, how was he ever so starved of female attention that he would look at you so admirably when you liked to make it clear you despised him? in fact, you enjoyed making a special effort to flip him off, or pull a face at him when he walked by, or kick his chair extra hard in spanish, or... oh shit. you had seen it from an outside point of view now, and it was glaringly obvious; maybe you did like him, just a little bit. shit. rory owed lorelai 10$ and a cheeseburger from luke’s, though you didn’t want to have to admit she was right when she’d said you were like a kindergarten boy pulling a girl’s ponytails because he thought she was pretty.

‘hey tristan,’ you started, breaking the comfortable silence between his questions and suddenly nervous to talk to him. stupid, it was still the exact same boy you’d been complaining about all week, nothing new.

he looked up from your notes. ‘what’s up princess?’

that was definitely new.

‘don’t call me princess’ -he smirked irritatingly- ‘do you need to stay much longer? i mean, is there anything else you want help with?’

‘trying to get rid of me?’

‘no! no. i just thought that you’d only stay and pretend to listen to me for like, half an hour then vanish. it’s 11:30 and you’ve been through my whole binder.’

‘it is? time flies.’

‘tristan.’

‘i do care about my grades, you know. and you’re a good teacher, i might have a chance at an A.’

‘why didn't you show up the last 6 times we planned then?’

he put down his pen- your pen, actually. it had pink sparkles on the lid. ‘got to keep up my street cred.’

‘ha ha. funny,’ you replied as blankly as possible, pulling back a smile you could feel in your stomach. you made eye contact again and, like every other time since you’d sat down and started studying, you held each other’s gaze for longer than necessary. funny how realising you like someone makes you suddenly act like it.

‘i should get going then right,’ he said, picking his jacket from the back of his chair.

you felt weird, almost as if you didn't want him to leave after praying earlier he wouldn't show up. alas, your parents would be home soon and you would be willing to bet money that tristan would have some interesting jokes about your being home alone that would not slide with your dad.

‘yeah. i hope you get that A,’ you said, accidentally smiling as you walked him to the door.

tristan turned to lean on the frame of the now-open door and put on a face of mock surprise. ‘my, my, y/n. was that a kind comment and a smile? you’re spoiling me.’

‘shut up, i hope you fail.’

he smiled back. ‘you really mean that?’

‘i guess not.’

there was yet another beat of heavy silence.

‘see you monday.’

you closed the front door as he walked down the drive, but noticed tristan’s car keys still sat on the kitchen table. a porsche, of course. you picked them up and reopened the door to his fist poised to knock. the two of you laughed awkwardly for a second.

‘i forgot my-’

‘you forgot your-’

another awkward laugh. jesus christ this was uncomfortable. you passed him the keys, and with absolutely no warning at all, your lips were suddenly met with his. they were soft and confident, and his free hand held your face as you tried to process the new situation. you quickly melted into the kiss, letting him take control until he pulled away and smiled that sparkly smile you didn't hate as much as you tried to.

‘didn't see that one coming,’ you said breathily, brushing some loose hairs off of your face.

‘i knew you didn’t hate me.’

‘ever the arrogant twat.’

‘hey, does this mean you’ll stop kicking my chair in spanish?’

‘absolutely not. in fact, i think i’ll kick it harder.’

‘as long as you let me do that again.’

tags: @leossmoonn for inspiring me to start writing again, @account123445 & @lmaoidekanymore6 for asking me to post tristan fics! (couldn’t figure out how to make the tags work but if you read this, you know ✨)

#tristan dugray #tristan gilmore girls #chad michael murray #gilmore girls #gilmore girls fic #gilmore girls fanfiction #can't think of anymore tags so i'll just hope this does ok on its own

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aboutissei · 3 years

Note

uhm lemme know if i did this incorrectly

could i request hq boys reacting to their fem!s/o coming home late at night drunk (if youre uncomfy writing this then plz ignore) i dont mind which characters are in it but if you could, include iwaizumi, tsukishima, and oikawa! thank you in advance and sorry if this wasn’t descriptive enough <3

synopsis: coming home late at night, drunk to the haikyuu boys

genre: fluff/suggestive & slight angst if you look close enough

reader type: female reader

pairings: hajime iwaizumi, kei tsukishima, tooru oikawa & keiji akaashi

not proofread —

a/n: hi love! you did perfect, i hope this fits yer’ standards & thank you sm for being my first ask<33

HAJIME IWAIZUMI

‘ hajime would be one of the worried types because as much as he doesn’t show it, he gets insecure about the thought of you finding love in another man because he wasn’t good enough. with that said, iwaizumi trusts you and just hopes your safe.

‘ when he hears the door click, he’s quick to jump on his feet to bound towards you.

the click of the door was all hajime needed for him to quickly make his way to the entryway of your shared home. “princess, where have you been? it’s late and i was starting to get worried-“ he began before looking up at your disheveled state. his head tilted slightly as you dropped your heels by the door and began wobbling over to him. you almost fell but hajime was quick to catch you in his strong arms, he always was. “y/n, are you drunk.” his pout quickly broke into a half-smirk, half smile as he glanced down at you drooping in his arms. “my coworker *hic* invited me for a drink and i got carried away *hic*,” you mumbled as you snuggled deeper into hajime’s chest. inhaling the scent of the hoodie that was draped over his built body. “next time, let me know so i can come to get you.” he scolded as he placed a feathery kiss on your hairline. the light snores coming from your body were all iwa needed, he immediately hooked his muscular arms under your thighs and carried you to the bathroom so he could quickly wash your face and help you get changed. you shivered at the cool contact of the bathroom counter meeting your thighs. you whined quietly before iwaizumi shushed you, he began taking out your makeup wipes and wiping the slightly smudged makeup from your face. “i’ll always take care of you, love.” he mumbled as he added some moisturizer to your now cleaned face.

KEI TSUKISHIMA

‘ whew my sweet boy, he would be one of the types to laugh at your drunken endeavors. although he is worried about why you aren’t home at this hour, he can only assume your safe.

‘ he of course takes care of you but nothing wrong with a little teasing while doing it ;)

tsukishima was laid out on the couch of your shared apartment, patiently waiting for you to come through the front door. although, he wouldn’t dare to say it. he was beginning to get restless without you being there to thread your fingers through his hair and shower him in your abundance of love and affection. as soon as he heard the fumble of keys in the door, he was quick to swivel his head around to look at the entryway. the sight of you standing there, slightly disheveled and foggy eyed completely gave it away. not that you were trying to hide the fact that you were drunk, you just knew you weren’t going to hear the end of this. “keiii.” you whined as you hobbled through the entryway and into the living room where he was seated, trying to hold back the giggles captured in his throat. “welcome home love.” he coughed out a chuckle before glancing at the sight of you throwing yourself on him, limbs splayed against the couch and your head resting directly against his chest. “y/n..are you drunk?” tsukki asked, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “i went..out for drinks with my boss but i missed *hic* you.” you mumbled as you nuzzled your ear deeper into his chest. “did you drive home?” he questioned, ready to scold you about the dangers of drunk driving. “no...my coworker dropped me off.” you answered, the alcohol still hazing your mind. tsukishima sighed as you laid there snuggled into his chest, his cheeks couldn’t help but tinge red as he glanced at your now limp body. your now even breaths were kei’s signal to get you cleaned up and he did just that. removing your clothes as he put you in one of his t-shirts which pooled around your waist and quickly wiping your face with a makeup wipe before laying you into your shared bed. he paused to playfully scoff at the way you would whine when he unlatched your arms from his waist while he was changing your clothes. “you're so stupid. goodnight love.” he mumbled as he slipped in beside you in the bed, a soft kiss placed on your nose causing you to smile softly in your sleep.

TOORU OIKAWA

‘ oikawa was straight out miserable, you coming home late was worrying him but he was also so restless without your touch

‘ poor iwaizumi had to endure an hour long facetime call about how worried and sad oikawa was because he missed his angelic girlfriend.

as soon as oikawa heard your keys jingle in the door, he was quick to jump off the bed and is in a full-on sprint to the door. “ANGEL! YOUR BACK.” he shouted as he threw his arms around you, the speed at which he wrapped himself around you was astounding. all you could do was giggle as the alcohol flowing through your veins and the visions of this 6 ft man wrapped around your body like a koala was hilarious. oikawa quickly unlatched himself before placing a quick kiss on your lips, your lips always felt familiar to him but the bitter taste of alcohol was a big difference. “angel, did you drive home drunk?” oikawa scolded as he placed a hand on his hip, looking down at you with a frown. “no tooru, i *hic* got a lyft.” you mumbled as you try to walk deeper into the apartment, which you failed at. you tripped over an uneven floorboard which made oikawa quickly react, he wrapped his arms around your waist before you could fall. “alright you big dope, let’s get you to bed.” he giggled as he picked you up, your legs immediately wrapping around his waist. he handed you your clothes and sat in the bathroom while you did your night routine, just watching and making sure you didn’t hurt yourself and helping you when he saw fit. when you were ready for bed, oikawa slipped into the spot beside you and pulled you straight into his chest, to which you tangled your legs with his, a silent i missed you. he kissed your forehead before gently resting his head on top of yours. “i missed you too angel.” he mumbled, knowing you missed him from the way you clung to him in your sleep. the next morning he was loud and forgot about your hangover but was quick to get you some pain meds and some breakfast.

KEIJI AKAASHI

‘ akaashi was out-right worried, he had sent you multiple texts and even tried calling once or twice. okay maybe three times

‘ it was nearing midnight and akaashi could only hope you were just working late or out with coworkers.

akaashi quitely paced around in the kitchen while he waited for the water for his tea to be ready when he heard the door creak open. he quickly made his way to the entryway. silence between the two of you when he pulls you in for a hug and a sweet kiss. he rested his forehead against yours before releasing you from his grip. “did i *hic* worry you, i didn’t mean to worry you, keiji.” you began ranting as your eyes began to water. he quickly wrapped his arms around your waist before smiling at you softly. “it’s alright love, just let me know you’ll be home late next time.” his smile reasssuring as he watched the tears slip out of your eyes. “i-i’m sorry, i should’ve let you know.” the tears began free flowing as you tried to sniff them back. the sight was enough to make akaashi distressed, he knew you were obviously drunk from the kiss he had given you earlier but he had no idea you were an emotional drunk. “baby, it’s okay. come drink some tea & then we can head to bed okay? i’m not mad, i promise.” akaashi placed a hand in the small of your back, lightly directing you to the kitchen where the kettle went off. as you sat down, he placed a warm cup of tea in front of you and placed another peck to your forehead. “you’re so good *hic* to me, keiji. i don’t deserve you.” you broke out into a sob as you placed your teacup down in place for rapidly rubbbing at your eyes. “you deserve the world, my love. now stop all this crying okay? you’re gonna hurt yourself.” he mumbled as he pulled your hands away from your face, your puffy eyes making him pout before he kissed away the onslaught of tears that now stained your face. by the time you finished your tea, you had worn yourself out from all the crying. akaashi carefully picked your sleeping body up from the table, careful not to wake you as he gently placed you on your shared bed. he tried to get you changed in the best way without waking you up but all he could manage was wiggling on one of his hoodies onto you. he frowned at the distress splayed on your sleeping face, probably from the crying he thought to himself. he kissed the corners of your lips before sliding into bed next to you. “goodnight y/n.” he blushed slightly before turning off the bedside lamp and snuggling up next to you.

a/n: and we are done with my very first request! once again, i hope this fit your standards and i did your request justice. also, later toda i will be posting my navi posts (rules, dni & byf all included)

as always, likes, comments and reblogs are always welcomed and appreciated <3

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tippedbykreider · 3 years

Text

it’s all coming back to me | c. kreider (i)

Word Count: 8.2k Warnings: Slow burn, exes to friends to lovers, relationship breakdown, swearing, alcohol mention. Author’s Note: So many of you have been requesting for this to be brought back! The consensus was that you’d rather have it in smaller chunks so I’ll be posting each new part weekly and they’ll come in between 6 & 9k per chapter. Not only is it more manageable for you guys but it also gives me chance to keep writing new content for it 💖 There is a playlist for this fic which I posted separately, it gives a chronological feel for their relationship and their story. This has been a tonne of fun to write so far and I can’t wait to tell the rest of their story. Summary: Chris Kreider x Reader Insert. They say that all good things come to an end, that you can never have too much of a good thing, but when Chris decided to end your relationship you wondered how anything could ever be good again. A chance meeting 9 years later drags up all those feelings you both thought you were done with. Can you work through your hurt and pain to see what it is that Chris is trying to show you? Or are some things better left forgotten? Tagging: @danglesnipecelly - this girl deserves a writing credit on this thing because she’s pushed me to keep going with this and her input and advice has been invaluable. Thank you for all the support on this one, K 💖

*Italics indicates a flashback*

The notion of fresh starts is often something that is associated with the arrival of the New Year. People use the turning of the calendar to turn over a new leaf, to learn a new skill, to challenge themselves to be better than the year before and to let go of all that was and focus on all that will be. There’s something inherently magical about a new beginning, a fresh start; sometimes it’s the excitement of what might lie ahead and other times it’s the comfort in knowing that you can seize the opportunity be whoever you want to be and to reinvent yourself. It’s the line in the sand and the final full stop at the end of the chapter and it’s the anticipation of picking up the pen and writing those first few words on the new page.

For Chris Kreider this feeling wasn’t one that was brought about by the strike of the clock at midnight on New Year’s Eve because while the date on the calendar changed and while he still spent the next couple of weeks dating things with the wrong year just like everybody else, it still often felt like nothing really changed for him. Chris could only feel like the year was truly coming to an end when the first petals of spring exploded like fireworks in a symphony of technicolour blooms and he found himself giving the locker-room clearout interview. That was the end of the year, the full stop, the line and the warmer days and the balmy nights would give him the opportunity to decompress ready for the turning of the page come September when his focus would once again turn back to hockey.

Chris loved New York; that much was undeniably true. He loved the vibrancy of the city but he also loved the way that he could melt into the background or enjoy the feeling of quiet solace his apartment gave him. It was oftentimes a bolthole, an oasis of peace during an otherwise hectic few months between September and May but the end of the hockey season and the arrival of summer had him seeking the cry of gulls on the breath of a gentle breeze and that crisp, purifying sea air that always managed to fill his lungs differently. Rowayton wasn’t far, a little over an hour on a good day but with its coastal Connecticut charm, slower pace and pretty houses, especially the ones that overlooked the water, it was a world away from NYC and exactly what Chris needed to reset and recharge.

It was a Saturday morning in mid-July and for the first time in a long time, longer than Chris could recall, he allowed himself to sleep in. His bedroom window had been open all night and the welcome breeze snaked through the slats in the blinds and carried on it the faintest smell of salt and sunshine. Chris stretched his muscles in big pulls around the bed before he settled on his back and inhaled deeply, the fresh air clearing his mind and filling his body as the last remnants of sleep slipped away on the exhale of breath. Imbued with energy, he climbed out of bed and pulled the blinds all the way up, flooding the bedroom with beautiful incandescence born out of a cloudless sky. He didn’t make his bed though, not yet, because while he had left his room and was padding down the stairs, he had every intention of returning to the still warm sheets to read a chapter or two of the book on his nightstand with a fresh cup of coffee, a cinnamon and raisin bagel, that invigorating coastal air and the oceanscape outside as the soundtrack.

One chapter turned into two and two became three and before Chris knew it, the sun was high in the sky and lunchtime beckoned. It was shaping up to be a beautiful summer day in Rowayton and Chris thought it would be a crying shame to spend his time at home, even if the page-turner he’d held in his hands moments ago seemed incredibly appealing out on the back deck overlooking the water. It was then he decided to take advantage of that gorgeous sunshine, take in the scenery and stretch his legs by going for a walk into town to pick up a few essentials at Rowayton Market. For all it was a small, it contained everything he would need to keep him going for a few more days until he’d finally need to drive into Norwalk to do a more substantial grocery shop, something that he’d admittedly been putting off. The Market also had some of the best baked goods and fresh coffee in the village and if you asked Chris it would be pretty rude to not take advantage – it was right there, after all, and Chris never could say no to a still-warm Danish and Americano.

He walked slower than he usually would, a conscious effort on his part due to the fact that his legs seemed to want to go into an auto-pilot primed for life in New York City. He was in no rush though, he never was whenever he came here and even though it was a route he’d walked hundreds of times before, and one he would walk hundreds more, Chris still wanted to soak in all the pretty trees and shrubs that were nestled in amongst those classical New England style homes, all shingled exteriors and white, gridded windows in soft muted colours that mirrored the coastal landscape of the village. It was a world away from the brick and the concrete and the bright lights of the city and while Chris loved all of those things about New York and loved wandering through the streets of Tribeca and Soho, getting lost in bookstores and hole-in-the-wall cafes, he also loved the sand, shale and stars and those were things that he just couldn’t find in the city that never slept.

There were quite a few people out and about, Chris noted, most of them he recognised as being residents with their friendly smiles and waved greetings, but there were a handful of tourists too; there always was on weekends during the summer. Not that Chris minded, of course, because for all the village was a popular escape for those seeking a break from the metropolitan life of the nearby hub of cities, it never succumbed to the all-too-often inevitability of commercialisation and still managed to hold on to its peaceful charm, despite it not quite being the quaint fishing village it once was back in the days before the Civil War.

It was one of the reasons why Chris found himself retreating here in the summer and not making the trip back home to spend the off-season in Massachusetts. He would go back to Boxford for a couple of weeks, naturally, because family was something that had always been important to Chris and he would never miss an opportunity to spend time with his parents and sister, but if he had the choice between spending his entire summer being bitten to death by mosquitoes back home (his father always did say that they were the town bird, after all) or feeling the gentle kiss of the ocean breeze against his skin, there was no real contest. Rowayton would always win.

The main street through town was busier, which wasn’t exactly unexpected and if anything it only seemed to add to the charm of the village. Chris decided to head straight to the market to pick up his groceries, if only to facilitate the Danish eating in a more timely-fashion. He picked up a basket as he entered and proceeded to add only the essentials he’d need to get him through the next couple of days. He’d pay for his shopping before going to the coffee bar, because trying to pack his reusable grocery bag with a full takeout cup was a mistake he’d made once before and was sure to never repeat again.

With his groceries purchased and bags packed in such a way that the couple of bottles of wine he’d picked up wouldn’t clink together when he walked (it was three to be exact but after seeing the selection of cured meats, cheeses and olives available he thought it’d be a crime if they didn’t find their way into his basket to come home with him, and if there was cheese there had to be wine), Chris made his way to the coffee counter situated near the Market entrance.

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d taken a trip away without the company of anyone else but the last couple of months at work had been incredibly stressful, with projects seemingly coming out of your ears and while you knew your mother had been worried by your suggestion of taking off somewhere alone for the weekend, she also knew better than to fight you on something you’d quite clearly already set your mind to. If you were being completely honest, your plans for the first full weekend you’d had off in months would have consisted of not setting foot outside of your apartment or engaging in any kind of unnecessary conversation had you decided to stay home in Hartford, at least this way you’d be getting some fresh air and the sun on your face.

It was just shy of a two hour drive down to Rowayton, which had the dual benefit of being close enough to home that it didn’t feel like a huge trek just to get there, but also being far enough away that you would be a complete stranger in this town and could take the time to decompress and recharge while blending into the background, and the place was pretty to boot. You’d found a little studio Airbnb not too far away in South Norwalk, figuring that you’d only be using it as somewhere to sleep as you’d planned on spending as much of your time as possible being right by that ocean with the wind in your hair and the warm sun on your skin.

That’s how you’d planned on spending your Saturday afternoon, sat on the sand of Bayley Beach with a good book and a cup of coffee. It was set to be a balmy day, with temperatures sitting in the mid-eighties and the last thing you wanted to be doing in the heat was any amount of excessive walking. So with that in mind, you’d spent your morning exploring the village and taking in the sights and sounds. The gentle protest of your stomach told you it was lunchtime before you’d even taken the opportunity to glance down at your watch and a quick Google search pointed you in the direction of somewhere to get that all important cup of coffee and a small bite to eat.

Rowayton Market didn’t look like much from the outside in the sense that it was a little on the petite side, but the reviews were great and the coffee was allegedly some of the best in the village and that was good enough for you. You were greeted with the smell of freshly baked goods and ground coffee, which was welcoming enough before you even saw the bright smile of the girl behind the counter. Your eyes drifted over the selection of pastries, each one more delicious looking than the last and you knew that you were going to have a hard time choosing just one. You knew you’d have to make a decision, though, suddenly aware of the small line that had seemingly materialised right out of thin air behind you and while you were sure that these people were more accustomed to a slower pace of life, the city girl in you, who was so used to living life in the fast lane, didn’t want to keep these good people waiting while you deliberated. You’d go with your usual and that would be that.

Chris’s attention was fixed out of the large glass windows at the front of the shop, watching as people milled in the street and went about their daily business. It was something he quite often did, whether he was here or back home in New York. There was something oddly soothing about watching the world go by, he thought, and occasionally he’d catch something that would quirk his lips up into a smile, like the sight before him now of a rather large gull in the process of committing larceny against what he could only assume was an unsuspecting tourist. Their sandwich was held high above their head while their free hand attempted to shoo the bird away with little success. He chuckled quietly to himself then, not least because the gulls seemed to get more brazen with each year that passed and he was sure that one of these days he’d see someone’s lunch get snatched right out of their hand by the feathered menaces.

Chris had no reason at all to believe as he stood in that line that everything was about to change. Why would he? The day had started like any other. He’d picked up his groceries in this store more times than he could count, he’d waited in a line just like this one for his coffee and Danish and yet, in that moment, something as innocuous as a woman’s voice would bring feelings that he thought he was done with, and memories he thought had strayed out of his mind for good, flooding back to the surface. But it wasn’t just any woman’s voice, no, it wasn’t as detached and neutral as that. It was your voice; a voice he hadn’t heard in nine years and it was something as simple as a coffee order, an order that he now knew to have remained the same since the day you’d first met at Boston College all those years ago, that blew the dam wide open and every word the two of you had ever spoken, from day one to the last thing you ever said to him, came rushing back.

The sound of Chris’s voice calling your name was something you never thought you’d hear out loud again. It was a voice you’d only heard in your dreams for many years after he walked out of your life, but even that had faded beyond memory to where you weren’t a hundred percent certain that you’d be able to remember what it sounded like anymore. And yet, in the middle of a tiny supermarket in Rowayton, you heard him clear as day with his tongue rolling around the syllables of your name with the same fondness, even after all this time and it was like you’d never forgotten the sound at all.

Autumn was beginning to make her presence felt in Boston. The palette on campus had shifted from a spectrum of vivid greens to shades of deep russet, amber, ochre and vermillion; but even above the changing leaves, the turning of the calendar brought a slight chill to the air that had you reaching for your jacket on a morning as you left your dorm.

Today was no different. The temperature had dropped again overnight as November creeped ever closer and it was chilly enough that you had to draw your coat tighter around you as you walked across campus towards class. Your brisk pace had bought you enough time to make a stop at the coffee stand just outside of Campion where your first class of the day was being held. There was a decent selection on offer, but it wasn’t enough to sway you from ordering your usual.

You rooted around your backpack for your wallet while the barista prepared your coffee and grabbed you your cinnamon roll, unaware of the new presence to your right, before handing over the money and taking the coffee and pastry bag from the young man’s hands.

“Coffee and cinnamon roll, eh? Now that’s the breakfast of champions.”

You turned your head towards the source of the voice, lips quirking into a small smile at the sight of the stranger beside you who looked to be not much older than you were, incredibly tall and broad for his apparent age but not for his height. He was grinning at you with a fullness that made his eyes crinkle at the corners and gave him a unique kind of softness.

“My mom would disagree,” you replied with a smirk. “If she found out I was having this for breakfast she’d be in her car so fast and dragging my ass back to Hartford.”

He laughed at that, loud and bright with his head tipped back slightly before running a hand through his dark brown hair that was shorter on the sides but had the faintest hint of a curl at the longer strands on top.

“I won’t tell her if you don’t.”

“Oh, I’m definitely not telling her,” you grinned as you swung your backpack over one shoulder. “So looks like you’re sworn to secrecy.”

You studied him for a brief moment, with the way he was still grinning at you and his eyes that seemed to sparkle behind his dark lashes before your brain gently reminded you that you, in fact, had somewhere you needed to be. “Well, I hate to impose a vow of silence on you like some sort of mafia boss and then immediately split but I uh I gotta head to class.”

“No problem at all and hey, your secret is safe with me. In fact, I’ve forgotten already. What were we talking about?”

There it was again, that smile of his that made you want to stay rooted right where you were standing and look at it all day, but class beckoned and so you gave an awkward wave of your hand and a soft laugh before you turned and headed into the building behind you without another glance back. If you had you’d have seen the stranger from the coffee stand watch until you’d disappeared from view, with that smile still on his face.

This little routine of yours would continue over the course of the next few weeks. Every Tuesday morning, at around 8:45am, you’d find yourself stood at that coffee stand outside of Campion to get your coffee and cinnamon roll, and every Tuesday morning, at around 8:46am, the tall stranger would appear beside you with his kind eyes and his bright smile. You’d exchange a ‘hello’ and a friendly grin and you’d laugh more often than not too while you made pleasant small talk before you both said your goodbyes and went to your respective classes, though you would always leave first and he would watch you go until you’d disappeared into the building.

It was mid-November, now, and the campus of Boston College was firmly in autumn’s frigid grasp. The temperatures continued to drop, seemingly overnight, which had you bundled up in your hat and scarf and the trees had shed their branches of leaves, crunching underfoot with the slight frost as you made your way towards Campion. Your hands were shoved deep into your coat pockets to ward off the gnawing chill and you were looking forward to being able to warm them around your coffee cup.

You approached the stand as normal, rooting through your backpack for your wallet ready to order.

“Hey!”

You looked up, your features fixed in a state of mild confusion while you looked for the source of the voice you recognised but couldn’t quite place. It was then you saw him though, all bright eyed and bushy tailed with a medium coffee and pastry bag held up in one of his large hands as if on display. He was grinning at you and cocked his head, beckoning you over with the wordless gesture.

“Hey, yourself,” you smiled as you approached. “What’s this then?” You tilted your head slightly at the items in his hand as he offered them to you.

“Breakfast of champions.”

Your eyebrow quirked as you took the coffee from him before taking a tentative sip, smiling while the warm liquid slid down your throat.

“You got my coffee order right.”

“It wasn’t hard,” he smirked. “You order the same thing every week and if you open that little paper bag I think you’ll find a cinnamon roll in there.”

Sure enough, as you opened the bag you were greeted with the sight of a perfectly formed cinnamon roll and you couldn’t help the grin that sparked at your lips and spread the full width of your face.

“I don’t order the same thing every week.”

“You do,” he replied with a laugh. “Every Tuesday for the last 5 weeks you’ve come to this coffee stand and ordered a medium Americano with half and half and a cinnamon roll and every Tuesday for the last 5 weeks I’ve been meaning to ask you your name.”

Your face flushed warm at that, not only at his words but at the sure little smile he was giving you and the way his eyes were sparkling. In fact, now that you were really looking at him properly, you were knocked back a bit by the perpetual kindness that seemed to rest in them and you couldn’t help but notice how they really were the perfect shade of hazel, like a forest with a deep bark heart surrounded by leaves that were every shade of green. You’d been quiet a little too long though and so you took a settling sip of coffee to give you enough time to find your voice again and tell him your name.

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled as he offered you his hand, which was large and warm as you shook it.

“And who should I thank for the coffee?” you asked.

His smile grew into a grin then, the kind that you’d noticed over the course of the last few weeks that made his eyes crinkle and happiness radiate from him, before simply replying:

“Chris.”

“Chris?”

It was as if time had stood still in that little Market in Rowayton, where your surroundings become a still-frame and there’s nothing but static in your ears. You’d often thought about what it would have been like to see him again. Those first couple of years after he’d left Boston College had you imagining all kinds of scenarios, much like the one you were in right now where you’d bump into each other in a supermarket or a pharmacy, anywhere really, but now that you were living it, seeing it, breathing it, there was nothing you could have conjured up in your imagination that would have prepared you for what it would really feel like to see him again. If you were to be completely honest, you were glad that your coffee and cinnamon roll were still on the top of the counter because you were certain that they would have fallen right out of your hands and onto the Market floor.

He abandoned his position in the line then, as if you speaking his name was a call to him, and maybe it was, on some level, but the truth and simplicity of it was that you were suspended in a state of pure disbelief and even in the short time it took for him to close the distance between you both, you were still yet to move and fix your features to something more neutral.

“Hey.”

It was a simple greeting that he gave you and logically you knew that there wasn’t really any tangible meaning behind that single word he spoke and yet there was something about the look in his eyes and the warmth in the smile he gave you.

“It’s been a while.”

“It has,” you replied, finally finding your voice. “You look, you look good.”

It wasn’t a lie either, he did look good. The tall college boy you remembered, who was just a little too slight for his height, had filled out; you could tell that just from the way the fabric of his t-shirt stretched across the broad plains of his chest and strained around his biceps, and he was no longer clean shaven, which was something that had always made him look quite baby-faced. Instead he was sporting a neatly trimmed goatee and while he had kept his hair short on the sides, just like you’d remembered it, it was longer on the top than it had been in college and the curls were sweeping in a way that reminded you of the waves just beyond the Market door. He looked older, yes, which is exactly what you would have expected in the nine years since you’d last seen him but his eyes were still exactly the same, sparkling and full of mischief , yet still soft, perhaps even softer than before on account of the faint lines around them drawn by time’s fair hand.

“So do you,” he grinned. “You cut your hair.”

“I did,” you looked down as your face flushed with warmth, unsure exactly what you were supposed to say to him.

It was something you’d thought about during those imagined scenarios where you’d magically bump into each other again and you’d thought about all of the things that you would say to him. You would tell him about how much you’d cried when he left you behind to live out his boyhood dream and how angry you were that he didn’t want you to be a part of that, how it felt like all the plans you’d ever talked about were nothing more than empty words and how hurt that had made you feel. You felt like you at least deserved that, especially given that it was never just a casual fling between you both. After all, you’d been practically inseparable for two years. You’d been inseparable ever since he’d said those three words that mean so much. But now that he was here in front of you, all those words that had swirled around in your head and in your chest like a hurricane for so long, dissipated into nothing and you found yourself clutching at straws to find something, anything, to say.

Chris could sense this though. Of course he could because he was Chris and he had always been so in tune with you and your emotions and the fact that he was still able to read you so well was both a comfort and a knife in your chest, and while he internally grimaced at the fact he was having to fall back on using small talk between you both, he felt like it was what you needed in the moment. He wouldn’t expect things to go back to how they were after all this time, he couldn’t, and so he started with something simple, something he knew you would be able give him an answer to.

“So, what brings you to sunny Rowayton?”

“I could ask you the same question,” you replied.

“Ah,” Chris grinned, trying to keep the mood light. “See I asked you first and also, I live here so therefore the ‘question answering’ responsibility falls back to you.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that, at both his words and the silly little expression he was wearing and despite all the years that sat between you both like a void and all of your hurt that was held within it, it all seemed to briefly melt away and in that moment it was like you were back at that little coffee stand outside of Campion.

“I didn’t realise this was an interrogation. Wait is this one of those little weird cult towns? Should I be worried?”

Chris knew by the little smirk you were wearing that you meant no malice behind your words and so he responded by sucking in air through his teeth before speaking again with one of those smiles that went all the way up to his eyes.

“Watch it, Pickle.”

Your stomach fell right into your shoes in that moment, that name he used only for you slipped from his lips like it was the easiest thing in the world for him to do, like he’d never stopped calling you it and like it hadn’t been nine years since you’d last spoke a word to one another. Chris knew all this of course and he didn’t need to rely on intuition either because he could see every emotion written all over your face.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly on the exhale of a breath. “I um.. Force of habit, I guess.”

“It’s okay,” you muttered, not quite meeting his eyes. “Although not exactly ‘habit’, it’s been how long?”

Chris winced at that, the reality of how he left things between you both slapping him in the face and he was filled with the guilt that he’d spent almost a decade pushing out of his chest and shoving into the darkest corner of his memory where he would hope it would rest undisturbed. He knew that you were angry at him for leaving things the way he did, how could you not be? After all, he was the one who had broken your heart and left you in Boston, but it was never as simple as that, even back then there was so much he should have said but that was something he wouldn’t realise until much later when it was too late to repair the damage. The thinly veiled hurt in your eyes and the way your mouth was downturned was demonstrative of that fact.

“I know,” he all but whispered. “It just-“

“It’s fine, Chris. Can we just forget about it? Please?”

He nodded, watching with a quiet kind of sadness on his features as you turned to finally pick your coffee and cinnamon roll up off the counter before he cleared his throat softly to continue speaking.

“You never did say what brought you into town.”

You took a sip of coffee to give yourself long enough to settle the thundering in your chest before answering him, because for all your heart felt like it was about to burst from all the hurt you’d managed to hide away up until now, there was also a weird sense of nostalgia that came with seeing him and hearing his voice again, and even though he’d shattered your heart completely when he decided he no longer wanted you in his life, your mother had raised you right and you knew the proper thing to do was to indulge him in a little small talk, even if for nothing more than old time’s sake.

“Just here for the weekend,” you replied. “Work has been nuts lately and I needed some time away from home.”

Chris shuffled on his feet for a moment as you spoke while his eyes darted between you and the door that would lead to the outside world and the possibility of the two of you parting once more. It was an unexpected pull that he felt in his chest at that thought, you reappearing in his life out of the blue only to slip out of it just as suddenly by doing something as simple as walking out of that supermarket back out into the wide world. For nine years he’d thought about where you were, what you were doing, if you were okay, if you were happy and with each year that passed without seeing your face or hearing your voice, he’d resigned himself to the fact that you were lost to him, drifting out there in the seas of life never to see you again. He didn’t know why you’d suddenly come back to him now, whether by some stroke of luck or twist of fate, although Chris couldn’t have cared less which one it was. All he cared about was the fact that you were here at all and it was an opportunity that he was sure he wasn’t going to waste. He didn’t even know for certain that you would want to give him any of your time after what had happened when he left Boston, but he wanted to at least give you what he should have all those years ago and that was an explanation and an opportunity for you to tell him how his actions had made you feel.

“Hey, what are you up to this afternoon?”

“Not much,” you shrugged. “I was just going to sit on Bayley Beach and enjoy the nice weather.”

“Would you mind some company? No pressure, of course, I understand if you… I understand if you’d rather not want to spend any time with me.”

You exhaled then and Chris’s shoulders visibly sagged, bracing himself for your polite refusal, but your response was not one that he was expecting and truthfully, it wasn’t one that you had expected either.

“Honestly?” you started, getting swept up in the nostalgia of seeing him again before the rational part of your brain could catch up. “That would be nice.”

“Great,” he smiled in what you could see was pure relief. “Do you mind if I grab a coffee before we head out?”

“Sure,” you replied. “I’ll wait outside for you.”

You headed out the door and were sure to stand where Chris could see you, knowing him well enough to realise that he’d be worrying, at least on some level, that you’d slip off into the crowd. You’d never do that to him, of course, even after everything, because while he had broken your heart, he was also the first person you’d ever truly loved and when you’d put the pieces back together, you couldn’t help but keep a part of him wrapped up amongst the tape and string holding those pieces together while you healed. It was in doing that that you understood that he would always have a special place in your heart and honestly? You were kind of okay with that because while the ending hadn’t exactly been perfect, the two years you’d spent together were and you wouldn’t have changed that time for anything.

You weren’t sure what exactly had possessed you to let Chris talk you into venturing off campus and out in the early-February snow to get burgers at Eagle’s Deli but you were cursing those sparkling eyes and that roguish grin of his for wearing down your sensibilities as you righted yourself after what felt like the hundredth near-fall. It was slushy underfoot, the kind that’s a twisted ankle or sprained knee waiting to happen and while you’d dressed weather appropriately in your winter boots and heavy parka, you were still very newborn lamb-like in your movements which was amusing Chris to no end.

“Come on, slowpoke,” he called from up ahead as he grinned at you over his shoulder.

“Not all of us can be hockey prodigies and thrive in this kind of inclement weather,” you grumbled, shuffling slowly so as not to slip.

Chris laughed as he came back towards you with confident and purposeful steps, surprising you when he offered his arm for you to loop yours through.

“Now, I’m no expert in geography or meteorology but it snows in Hartford, no?”

He was grinning at you, the kind of grin that you had to fight with every fibre of your being not to reciprocate because you’d already committed to your grumpy act and you couldn’t have him thinking he’d cracked you already, even if he, in fact, had.

“Yes,” you stressed. “But I don’t make a habit of going out in it to get burgers like a crazy person.”

The cackle you received from him in reply was loud and a little wild and you couldn’t help but be completely captivated by the way his cheeks were ruddy from the cold and the snowflakes clinging to the curls on top of his head and long eyelashes. Tuesday morning coffees with him outside of Campion before class had turned into coffees in actual cafes during free periods and getting lunch together. It was even dragging your body out into the cold to the Alumni Stadium with your blanket and your thermos to watch Chris play with the BC Eagles because you couldn’t say no to that damn smile and those damn eyes and even now, as you looked at him taking in the scenery along the Chestnut Hill Reservoir pathway, you knew that they were going to be the death of you.

“It’s really pretty along here,” he spoke, more quietly than before; softer too. “You wouldn’t think we were in the middle of Boston.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice walk,” you agreed before shooting him a smirk and a look. “Would be nice in the spring sunshine too.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it, Little Miss Chilly.”

“I don’t know what you have against being warm, Kreider. Warm is good, warm is nice-“

You shrieked as your feet went out from under you, courtesy of a patch of black ice hidden under slushy snow and you squeezed your eyes shut in preparation for the impact of your ass hitting the cold, hard ground. But it never came.

“It’s okay,” Chris spoke reassuringly, one hand tight around your bicep while his other arm was curled around your waist, holding you upright. “I’ve got you.”

You opened your eyes then to be met with Chris’s looking right at you, all moss and bark and warm. He was smiling at you but it was different to the easy grin he usually wore around you, this was softer somehow and all rational thought was replaced by one of those monkeys playing the cymbals. For the briefest of seconds, and for reasons completely unknown to you, the monkey tried to take the wheel and the idea of kissing him right there, in the middle of the pathway that had made an attempt on your life, flashed into your head.

Maybe it was the snow and how perfect and picturesque the scene around you felt? Maybe it was the fact he’d just saved you from slipping? But the reality of it was that those eyes and that smile held some sort of power over you that you couldn’t yet fully understand. You shook your head quickly, if only to take back control of the situation before you did something more embarrassing than almost falling on your ass.

“Thanks,” you muttered as you regained your composure. “This damn pathway.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Chris grinned as he turned so his back was to you and stooped slightly. “Hop on.”

“You can’t be serious?”

“I never joke about piggy-backs,” he replied in a faux solemn tone with the face to match. “Come on, we’ll get you to the Deli in one piece one way or another.”

And that was how you ended up with your arms looped around Chris’s shoulders and his strong hands holding the backs of your legs as he carried you on his back to Eagle’s Deli.

Not twenty minutes later, the pair of you were shuffling into a booth as you shed your coats, gloves and scarves, Chris grinning at you while you blew on your fingers in an attempt to restore warmth into them.

“See, told you I’d get you here in one piece.”

You scoffed at him and shot a playful glance across the table separating you both.

“You’re not human, that is the only explanation for how you’re able to walk in that,” you nodded towards the window where the snow was still falling to illustrate your point before continuing, “and not fall flat on your face.”

“Or my ass,” he added with a grin.

“Hey, that never actually happened!”

Chris’s face split into an even bigger smile at your little protest and the pout that had formed on your lips and while the gentle teasing between you was simply a part of the dynamic of your friendship, Chris would have been lying if he didn’t admit that the reason he did it so often was because you always looked so adorable trying to rebut him.

“No, you’re right. It didn’t,” he mused with a smirk, not needing to remind you that it was him who had come to your rescue judging from the unimpressed look you were throwing his way.

“All I’m saying is that we could’ve just gone to Hillside for lunch.”

“But the burgers here are superior,” he countered, smiling at you. “And you got to enjoy a beautiful walk in the snow with me so who’s the real winner he- mmpf!”

Chris was cut off by your damp mitten hitting his face, brows knitting into a slight frown before laughing at the proud grin you wore at the accuracy of your throw.

“That wasn’t very nice,” he said with mock hurt.

“Maybe I’m not a very nice person.”

“I don’t believe that for one second,” he replied, but there was no teasing in his tone this time, only the kind of sincerity that had your face flushing warm and had you reaching for the menu to hide behind under the pretence of looking at the choices available.

He couldn’t help but smile at the awkwardness with which you were trying and failing to hide from him but soon joined you in picking up a menu and perusing it, despite already knowing what he was going to order.

It was a few moments before the waitress came over and while neither of you spoke the silence between you both wasn’t exactly awkward even though Chris knew there was something about his last words that had had some kind of effect on you. He was right, of course, because despite the fact that you’d had hold of this menu for a good couple of minutes already, you hadn’t actually looked at a single thing on it even though you’d made such a show of doing just that and now that Chris had ordered, a cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate milkshake, the waitress was looking at you expectantly. Unable to form any kind of rational thought under that kind of pressure, you found yourself simply saying “same” and soon enough it was just you and Chris at the table once more.

Chris was looking at you like he had something he wanted to say and the unreadable expression on his face had you feeling somewhat uneasy for reasons you hadn’t quite ascertained but probably understood on some level if you let yourself think about it for more than a second. He could feel the nervous energy radiating from you though and so rather than pursue his current train of thought, he picked a topic of conversation that was much safer and knew you’d be comfortable with: school.

You talked about your classes and upcoming assignments while he listened intently and you returned the favour while he spoke earnestly about hockey and his own academic workload. It was so easy to settle into a natural rhythm with Chris whenever you talked, as if you’d been having conversations like these for years when in fact it had only been a few months of knowing him and a few weeks of meeting up like this. None of that seemed to really matter though, not when the conversation was good and the chemistry felt right and especially not when it was clear that you were both on the same page when it came to your friendship. There was something else there though, something that was beyond being purely platonic, that much was becoming crystal clear and yet despite the ease in which it was to talk to him about literally anything else, there was something that had you stumbling over the thought of bringing it up.

You were saved from falling down that particular rabbit hole by the reappearance of the waitress, two burgers that were big enough to have your eyes popping out of your head in her hands. Chris chuckled from behind his milkshake at the look of disbelief on your face as your burger was set down in front of you before he reached for the bottle of ketchup between you both. You took the top of your burger bun off, nose immediately wrinkling at the sight of four pickle slices resting on top of the lettuce and tomato.

“Ugh, I forgot to ask for no pickles.”

Chris looked up from where he was squirting ketchup onto his bun, his eyes meeting yours briefly as his face split into a grin.

“You’re not one of those people, are you?”

“Shut up,” you grumbled as you began to pick the offensive green menaces off your food and set them at the edge of your plate. “I like what I like.”

Chris reached across and began to transfer the pickles from your plate to his burger, smiling widely at you as he did so.

“Well, I might have found a solution to this particular pickle you find yourself in,” he chuckled at the exaggerated groan and roll of your eyes at the expense of his joke. “You see, I love pickles.”

“You love anything,” you countered. “You’re like a human dumpster.”

“Hurtful,” he replied as he clutched at his chest. “But also true so I’ll allow it.”

You picked up a fry from your plate and threw it at him, immediately filled with equal parts surprise and a strange sense of awe as he reflexively moved and caught it in his mouth.

“You really are a dumpster,” you grinned as you shook your head at the proud little smile he was giving you.

“I am, so how about you don’t ask for no pickles on your burgers and you just give ‘em to me instead?”

It was easy to agree to his proposal, not least because his logic actually made a lot of sense when you thought about it, but mostly because of the way his eyes were sparkling and the way his smile made you feel warm all over, like the falling snow and freezing air outside didn’t exist, like your fingers and toes hadn’t been numbed by the biting cold during your walk here, like there had only ever been sunshine. It was also why you’d agreed to let him carry you back through the snow to your dorm, his large hands hooked around the backs of your thighs and your arms draped over his shoulders much like during the walk to the diner. You’d protested initially, of course, not wanting to burden Chris or put you both at risk of an injury due to the slippery conditions, but he wasn’t about to be convinced otherwise and remained unperturbed by the weather, gently reminding you that he had in fact got you to the diner in one piece in the first instance at your objections.

Truthfully, despite the mild embarrassment you felt at your complete ineptitude when it came to walking on ice, you couldn’t help but be more than a little impressed at Chris’s sheer strength. You wondered then, about how hard he must work in the gym to develop such a strong core because while you knew from first-hand experience how slippery it was underfoot, he didn’t falter once throughout the entire walk home and with the way he was talking amiably about his favourite places in the city he called home, and how his hands were holding your legs so surely and securely, you felt safe as houses with your chest pressed into his back – even with your thick coats and layers of winter clothing between you.

He walked with you on his back right up to the entrance of your dorm, setting you down carefully on the pathway that looked to have been newly shovelled before he turned to face you, his cheeks once again ruddy from the cold and your walk home.

“I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’ twice in one day,” he grinned, sucking air in through his teeth and shaking his head slightly. “But didn’t I say that I’d get you home safely?”

“So what if you were right twice?” you rebutted with a playful nudge. “It’s not like it’s ever gonna happen again.”

“Watch it, Pickle. I’ll have you know that I’m right about a lot of things.”

“Pickle?” you barked out a laugh, watching as Chris walked slowly backwards down the path away from you with that smile still on his face. “What kind of a name is that? I don’t even like pickles.”

“I know,” he called out into the growing distance between you both. “But I do, remember?”

You shook your head at him, chuckling to yourself with a smile on your lips that mirrored his as you watched him.

“See ya Tuesday then, Trash Can!” you hollered.

His raucous cackle cut through the silent flurry as he continued to walk slowly backwards, his grin clear as day even through the falling snowflakes.

“Trash Can! Fucking, Trash Can! Man, you got some serious chirps, Pickle. Can you throw hands too? I mean, I know you suck at keeping your balance on the ice but we could use an enforcer! I could push you around?”

“Anytime, anywhere!” you laughed, watching him with a grin until he had waved his goodbye and turned away before he retreated into the heavy snow.

Part ii

#it's all coming back to me fic #my writing #chris kreider #chris kreider fic #chris kreider x reader #nhl fic #nhl writing #nhl fanfic #nhl fanfiction #hockey fic #hockey fanfic #hockey fanfiction #hockey writing

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thesquidkid · 3 years

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Together we can quiet all the noises

3k of malex fluff post 3x09 (Read on ao3)

Alex woke up slowly, feeling his face buried into something warm. As he came to his senses, he realised his entire body was wrapped against a human size pillow, making him hum in comfort. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times to get used to the light coming through the curtains. Once his eyes were used to it, he met Michael’s soft eyes and warm smile, who was playing with his hair.

Alex had both his arms around Michael’s right leg, his head on his lap, while Michael was sitting against the headboard, one hand in Alex’s hair and the other holding a book, smiling down on Alex.

“Morning,” Michael said softly, not to disturb Alex, “how are you feeling?”

Alex took a few seconds to think about his answer, enjoying the warmth and the comfort of Michael’s alien body and the blanket. The events of the last few days came back to him, still a bit hazy, but clear enough that he remembered nearly everything. He remembered working on the Lockhart machine longer than he should’ve, missing his and Michael’s first public date, hallucinating Nora, their conversation, standing on the ledge, nearly dying.

But he also remembered Michael coming to save him, them working on the machine together and cutting out his father’s piece from it, Michael driving him back home and Alex falling asleep, Michael holding him close.

“Better,” he answered eventually, deciding that he wasn’t good yet, but wanted to work on it. Michael smiled and continued to play with his hair. Alex sighed, making Michael chuckle, but not stop.

He had a pensive look on his face, having put his book down on the bedside table, clearly playing words in his head, finding the best way to say what he wanted. And so Alex waited, neither of them were in a hurry.

After some time, Michael spoke up again, his voice barely more than a whisper, “You could’ve died, Alex.” He took a shaky breath, his eyes never leaving Alex’s, “I only just got you back, losing you - I can’t -” he went off, looking up and blinking the tears away.

Alex, feeling much better physically after a good night's sleep, sat up to face Michael. He raised a hand to his cheek rubbing the tears away with his thumb. “I’m sorry,” he said, matching Michael’s whisper.

“I know,” he replied, “but next time, call me?”

And Alex thought about that. Michael wasn’t asking him to call so he could stop him from whatever brave or stupid plan he had. Michael wasn’t asking Alex to call him to blame or criticise or whatever it is that both of them would’ve done in the past.

No, this time, Michael wanted Alex to call him so he could help. So he could be present by Alex’s side, just like he was when they worked on the machine together. And Alex knew that it worked both ways now. That Michael understood why Alex had worked on the machine for so long, why he had to.

More unspoken words, Alex thought. Except this time, they also spoke words. This time, they asked each other for help when they needed it.

“I will,” Alex replied, a promise.

Their faces were only a few inches away, and even though they had both grown, had started to communicate more with each other, there was still a language they were fluent in.

Whereas in the past it was usually in a hurry, a stopwatch over their heads, counting down the days, the hours, the minutes until they had to separate, now they had all the time in the world.

It was slow, yet still desperate. Desperate for love, fear still running in their veins. But there was hope too. Hope for a future together. Their lips met, moving as one rhythm, hands coming to their hair, a dance they knew by heart, but was still as exhilarating as the first time.

Until a loud rumble came from between them, making them separate, Michael barely hiding his laugh and Alex blushing. He never cursed his stomach as much as in that moment. He leaned into Michael once more, hoping to continue the dance that was just interrupted, but Michael leaned away, putting his hands on Alex’s shoulder and pushing him away.

Alex wanted to be mad, but looking at the love on Michael’s face, he realised that they had time to do all they wanted. And now, he also realised he wanted food.

His stomach seemed to agree once more, making itself heard. This time, Michael didn’t even bother, and giggled loudly, his shoulder moving up and down, and soon Alex was joining him.

When they both caught their breaths again, Michael pushed Alex down, carefully, against the mattress, straddling his hips, before kissing his nose and getting off the bed. Alex’s hand, who had landed against Michael’s naked hip, followed the other man, then fell on the bed, dramatically. Michael simply rolled his eyes at the scene in front of him, smiling at Alex’s pout.

“I’ll get the bath ready for you then I’ll make you some lunch, how about that?” he asked, in answer to Alex’s stomach.

Alex hummed at the mention of a bath, his water bill would be higher this month, this being the second bath he took since Michael took him home from Deep Sky.

“Wait lunch? How long did I sleep?” he asked in amazement, he had gone to bed at merely 6 pm, so this would possibly be the longest sleep he had since - well since forever now that he thought about it, his father having applied the military clock in the house.

“About 17-18 hours? I woke up around 9,” Michael replied with a shrug. According to him, Alex still needed much more sleep, and maybe to never leave the bed where the two could cuddle all day.

Alex turned around, looking at the clock on the bedside table for the first time since he woke up. It showed 11:36 am. So he had indeed sleeped for the longest in his entire life. Maybe he should do that again, if it got him such amazing sleep…

He realised he had said that at loud, when Michael nearly shouted No! with a scandalised face, before turning around to start on lunch.

“Wait!” Alex called out after him, making Michael turn around so fast his neck nearly snapping, “can, uh, can I help you? With lunch,” he added at Michael’s confused look, making him smile.

“I didn’t know you cooked, private,” Michael replied with a smug smile, which quickly faltered at Alex’s expression.

“I don’t, I usually order take out or eat prepared food,” he said, with sadness and a hint of disappointment in his voice. His dad never thought teaching his kids cooking was necessary, and his mom left before he could even have solid memories of her.

Seeing Alex feeling down, and deciding that he could curse Jesse Manes and his shitty parenting all he wanted, right now his focus was Alex. “I always dreamt of giving a soldier orders,” Michael said instead, trying to get a smile out of Alex.

And it worked, “Fuck you,” the other man laughed out. “Oh and, I don’t have much food in my kitchen…” he continued, feeling slightly ashamed of his cooking skills, or the lack thereof.

“Alex,” Michael said, stopping the spiraling and gaining Alex’s attention, “I literally learned to cook in a junkyard, I - we - will be able to cook something delicious,” he replied with confidence, catching himself up. If Alex wanted to help, how much of a catastrophe could it end up being?

In the end, they decided that the bath could wait until after Alex had eaten something, so they got dressed and made their way to the kitchen, where Alex sat on the counter watching Michael open all his cabinets.

He had often dreamt of that moment, when he would wake up next to Michael in bed, and could see him cook something. He had heard a lot from Maria about Guerin’s cooking skills, and wanted to test them for himself.

Michael, after having a look through all the cabinets, stood up and faced Alex. “Okay so,” he said, standing in between Alex’s legs, “I think I overestimated the food you have.”

All while he talked, he rubbed his hands up and down Alex’s body, making him hum and smile, “But, lucky for you, I am an expert in throwing weird stuff together and hoping for them best.”

“Sure, but we will need to go grocery shopping together soon,” Alex chuckled, putting his arms around Michael’s neck and playing with the curls.

“Oh thank god!” he exhaled, leaning his head into Alex’s shoulder, “I didn’t want to offend you, but babe, this is bad.”

Alex felt more than heard Michael’s laugh against his neck, and couldn’t help but join, somehow not ashamed of his cabinets. Michael had reacted in such a way that Alex was at ease, every cell in his body content to just stay in this embrace, to have Michael against him and to play with his hair. However, his stomach once more decided to separate them.

Michael detached himself from Alex and kissed his pout away, before reaching for a saucepan and giving him instruction.

They cooked in a light atmosphere, music coming out of Alex’s phone, Michael occasionally reaching to him to make sure he didn’t overcook anything. They moved around each other with an ease neither knew was there. Michael still didn’t quite know where everything was and would open three cabinets before finding what he was looking for, Alex claiming that he didn’t know enough about cooking to help. More than once they bumped into each other, both reaching for the same spatula, or both heading to check the pasta.

Once everything was prepared, they separated the food into two plates and sat at the table to eat, sitting in front of each other. Lunch turned out delicious - not that Alex had any doubt. They had made Tagliatelle with white sauce and tins of corn and carrots. It was simple, but to Alex? It was the best meal he had ever eaten.

“It’s because you haven’t eaten properly in two days,” Michael had said with a slight blush after Alex had complimented his cooking.

They ate, talking about nothing yet everything. Sharing little stories they knew the other didn’t know. Little facts that didn’t matter over the course of the last decade. But that mattered now that they were both ready for a steady relationship.

Afterwards, Alex went to take a bath while Michael did the dishes. He knocked on the door and opened it once Alex had agreed. He was met with the sight of Alex laying under a slim cover of soap, barely hiding anything, his eyes merely opened, an arm on the edge of the bath.

“I, uh, finished the dishes,” Michael said, trying to print this image in his head forever. Alex, relaxed, happy.

“Wanna join?” Alex asked, with a tilt of his head. This was new territory for the both of them. They had seen each other naked, obviously, but it was always with the rush of sex, and never with something as domestic as a bath.

Michael nodded with a smile and started to take off his clothes, feeling suddenly very self-conscious about his body. Any doubts he had however, flew out the window when he saw the look in Alex’s eyes. It wasn’t a look of pure lust. Of course the want and lust was there, how could it not be between them, but it was also accompanied by something deeper, something that Michael had never dared to imagine. Love. Admiration. Those were words both dropped after their teenage years. After they realised the hurt and pain the world could cause. After they realised that that hurt and pain came from their love.

But there wasn’t any pain in their love anymore. The scars they wore, both physical and mental, didn’t only bring pain and heartbreak anymore. They were also symbols of the battles they fought to get to this exact moment, naked in front of each other, in more ways than one.

And so Michael joined it, and after the awkward shifts, they leaned into each other, Michael in between Alex’s legs, his head bent in an awkward angle so it could lean on Alex’s shoulder while also looking at him.

They got cleaned, but it was less needed as the bath and shower they took the day before, so they simply relaxed and enjoyed the moment.

After getting dried and dressed, they questioned what to do for the rest of the day. Where before they would have jumped on the occasion to head to bed and have quick, intense, sex, this time they were conscious about it. Alex’s leg was still sore from having worn the prosthetic for so long without a break, and he could also feel each of his muscles tense when he moved. So sex was out of the equation for now. And neither felt bad about it. They just needed to figure out what a couple did on a lazy afternoon.

They couldn’t go to the movies, Alex’s brain and eyes wouldn’t be very happy with it all. And Alex mentioned that technically the only date he had ever been on was at a paintball place, so really he shouldn’t be taken into account when making decisions.

And this is how Michael got his idea (not that he would ever thank Forrest for it).

He drove them into town, telling Alex that it was a surprise, and parked his truck on the main square. He opened the door to Alex, who answered with an eye roll and a blush, and led him towards the library.

They weren’t holding hands, knowing that Roswell was still not a very queer-friendly place, and not really in the mood for bigots, but they were walking close enough that their shoulders would occasionally bump. In their own little bubble, they opened the door to the library, and on instinct Michael made his way to the physics and space section, before remembering why he was there.

Today wasn’t about borrowing a book about space or relativity or agriculture. No, today was about giving him and Alex something that neither had growing up.

Ignoring Alex’s confused questions, he took them to the children’s section, passed all the books and opened the glass doors to the games section. He chuckled as he saw Alex start to understand what they were doing there.

“I didn’t even know there were so many games here,” he said in amazement.

“I know!” Michael replied, “I only found out about it cause some kid got lost in the engineering section.”

They separated to browse all the different games, agreeing to start with two games each and see where the rest of the afternoon would go.

The only inconvenience about the room they were in was that it was built for children and wasn’t the most comfortable for Alex. But Michael, having decided that this day was going to be perfect, went to talk to the librarians - who he was starting to know well, coming here to use their computers or borrow books as often as he could. He came back with a smile, indicating to Alex that they were going to make an exception for them, and allow them to take the games to a reading room by the side, where there were bigger tables and chairs.

And so they played. They played Clue (Alex won, but not by much), Milles Bornes (Michael won, Alex insisted he cheated), Timeline (Alex won, Michael blames the high school history lessons), made funny figures in Chrominos, and struggled to understand the rules of Backgammon, before ending with a Game of Trains.

One of the librarians - Christie - had to come tell them that the library was closing in 10 minutes, but she barely broke their bubble of comfort. They tidied all the games and put them back on the shelves, helping a little girl put back a game of Monopoly, and left.

Once in the truck, Michael didn't drive away straight off. Instead, he turned to Alex, sharing all his emotions in a single look. Unspoken words. Alex replied by putting his hand on his arm, “Next time, I will crush you at Milles Bornes,” he said with a smile. Next time. Because there will be a next time, they both knew it.

They didn’t drive back to Alex’s house, still buzzing with happiness and comfort. Instead, they drove to the Crashdown and sat at a booth, enjoying burgers and fries and milkshakes. And they made plans for the next day. They would go shopping together, Michael deciding whatever he wanted to buy. Afterwards they would enjoy each other and the comfort of Alex’s bed. And once they were well rested, they would go to the Pony. Together.

That word rang differently too. They have been seen together across town, and in the Pony before. But back then, they weren’t together together.

Alex paid for their dinner, insisting that Michael had cooked lunch and had the idea for the library, and had taken care of him for the last 24 hours.

As they left the diner, saying goodbye to Arturo, their fingers found themselves entwined, and they walked to Michael’s truck, hand in hand, without a care for the world.

That day, even though it followed a very traumatising event, was one of the best days they ever had. They learned a new dance, and they couldn’t wait to get home to continue it. After all, they had time ahead of them.

#never thouhgt id write romance #and here i am with my 5th malex fic 😂#i guess theres something about them #finally being free to love one another #makes me feel feelings #also all the games listed are great games #and i have no idea what the roswell library looks like or if it even has a board games section #my libary does have a game section tho #so it's all based on it #michael guerin #alex manes #malex fic #roswell new mexico #rnm #rnm fic #thesquidkid writes

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morganayenneferburnham · 3 years

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Have I Known You 20 Seconds or 20 Years? – Nikolai Lantsov Series

Chapter 1: Devils Roll the Dice, Angels Roll their Eyes

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33661984/chapters/83654680

A very short summary: Y/N has been working with the crows for a few years. Her life feels complete until she meets the insufferable Nikolai Lantsov. She finds herself forced to work with the King of Ravka on one of Kaz Brekker's crazy schemes.

Nikolai Lantsov. King of Ravka. He was privateer extraordinaire Sturmhond?

Word count: 2k

A/N: So I wrote my first fic! Hopefully at least one person likes it! I just posted the first chapter today. The second one should follow somewhat soon ☺️I’m currently writing the third chapter!

Chapter 1: Devils Roll the Dice, Angels Roll their Eyes

Nikolai Lantsov. King of Ravka. He was privateer extraordinaire Sturmhond?

Y/N couldn’t quite believe it. She had been a fan of him for years. Asking for the latest news on the voyages of the Volkvolny and its captain every chance she got. They were legendary. When Kaz had told her a few days prior that Sturmhond was going to be with them for a job she had barely been able to contain her excitement. Now, she was mortified. How could she work with a king?

Had she not been standing next to Kaz during the meeting she’d never have believed it.

“How long have you known, Kaz? I mean, I know you’ve worked with him before but…” her voice trailed off in a question.

“I figured it out when we first met.” His mind traveled back to that day. Meeting the privateer by the Geldrenner hotel’s baths, just a few years ago. They had been trying to save Kuwei Yul-Bo, a Shu inferni who’d had the misfortune of being the son of the fabrikator who created Jurda Parem, making him the most valuable hostage in the world. They had auctioned him off, faked his death, and gotten revenge on Jan Van Eck all at the same time. “The king of Ravka wouldn’t just let anyone represent his country in important matters. The fact that he always travels with at least one member of the Triumvirate doesn’t help him keep his identity secret either.” He scoffed. “He really should stop doing that.” Kaz sounded almost… annoyed?

“I take it you’ve given him that particular piece of advice and he didn’t listen?” She smirked. “Though, you know, I’m glad Zoya Nazyalenski tagged along. She is even more gorgeous than I thought.”

“He never listens. Almost as stubborn as you.” He huffed. The glare he gave her would’ve been enough to scare most people, however, she was not most people. She considered Kaz family, and she knew that Kaz did too, in his own way. They had both lost siblings to the city after all. She had joined his crew a few months after they had lost Matthias and Nina had gone back to Ravka. He had needed a new corporalnik and she had made fast friends with Inej, Jesper, and Wylan. As much as Kaz had tried to keep the young tailor at arm’s length, she had found a way to worm herself into his cold guarded heart. His look softened before he continued. “You should steer clear of her. She’s just as icy as she appears. Wouldn’t want you to get your heart broken before the job.” That was his way of showing he cared.

“Don’t worry, Kaz, I’m not looking to marry her. Maybe she’d be open to a bit of fun?” She laughed, throwing her long auburn hair over her shoulder, and made her way back to Jesper and Wylan down the corridor.

---

A few days had passed since they’d met with Sturmhond. He and Zoya had temporarily moved into the slat. Kaz had been cooped up in his office, wearing his scheming face most of that time. Everyone could tell Kaz’s plan was going to involve multiple steps and deceptions.

Since they hadn’t been working any other jobs, the crows had been left to their own devices for the first time in months. Kaz occasionally called on them for their expertise, but they had a lot more downtime than they were used to. They had taken advantage of it to get to know their new teammates. Y/N had mostly struck out with Zoya, though she had managed to make her laugh a few times, to everyone’s surprise. Maybe with more time, she’d have a small chance with Zoya? The young grisha had also tried to wrap her head around the identity of her favourite privateer. She now found herself sitting in Kaz’s office, Jesper and Wylan on her right and Sturmhond and Zoya on her left. Kaz looked all business, so serious she feared he’d give himself an aneurysm.

“I need you to tailor him. Once you’re done, you’ll tailor yourself.” Kaz nodded in Sturmhond’s direction sitting behind his cluttered desk, hands resting on his crow’s head cane.

Y/N looked up at Inej who had been sitting at Kaz’s window. “May I ask why? Hasn’t he already been tailored?” She gestured to the privateer before returning her hand to her lap. “He doesn’t look like the king of Ravka.”

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Why must you always question me?” He sighed. “Yes, he has been tailored, nonetheless, he is too easily recognizable as Sturmhond. I need you both to look like rich Kaelish merchants. It shouldn’t be too hard for you?”

“Of course not. You know there’s nothing I can’t do, Brekker.” She replied in Kaelish. She softened her tone before continuing in Kerch. “I’m simply asking you to share your brilliant scheme with us mere mortals” Her voice was laced with sarcasm. Inej stifled a laugh. It looked like the Suli girl couldn’t help but smile at the other’s antics.

Kaz groaned. “Fine, I’ll share my plan for the job. It’d be easier if you just listened. I’ll explain it once so pay attention – Jesper!” Poor Jesper jumped on his chair. He’d been staring at Sturmhond since they’d all entered the office. Y/N couldn’t blame him. The privateer did have an inexplicable charm despite his tailored features.

“Yes, Boss!” Jesper straightened in his chair and sent an apologetic look to Wylan.

“Alright, to pull this one off we’ll need blueprints that can only be found in Gert Van Verent’s safe. He keeps his office under lock and key – ”

“Wait, you want us to break into a councilman’s house, again? Why can’t you do it Kaz? You’re the best at picking locks.”

“Well, if you hadn’t interrupted me” he was glaring daggers at her now, his eyes the hue of bitter coffee “you’d know that two guards are posted outside his office, at all times” he’d emphasized the last part and raised a hand to stop Y/N from interrupting him again “and his windows are protected behind steel bars.” Y/N nodded once slowly indicating she was willing to listen with no more interruptions.

“Van Verent is throwing a party in the hopes of finding his eldest daughter a husband. Being a devout Kerch merchant, he is also using the occasion to find new business ventures. The party is our window of opportunity. That-” he gestured to her and Sturmhond “is where you two come in. Ainsley and Eoin Ó Ceallaigh, newlyweds from the Wandering Isle, looking to extend your exporting business to Kerch. I already secured your invitation” Y/N felt her jaw drop. No sound came out. All she could do was stare at Kaz. He had finally lost it. He wanted her and the king of Ravka to assume false identities and pretend to be married? Dirtyhands had gone mad.

Wylan was the one who voiced her concern. “Kaz? I know Y/N’s a talented tailor and well she is Kaelish so that part’s covered but, well, um, no disrespect Sturm-, Sir? Your Highness? But, um, do you speak Kaelish?”

The king smiled. He looked amused at Wylan’s confusion. He replied in perfect unaccented Kaelish “Call me Nikolai, it will make for less confusing conversation. Of course, I speak Kaelish, I have been educated in 6 languages. I also had a fondness for Kaelish poetry in my youth.”

Everyone seemed to relax at that. However, Y/N could tell she was going to need Jesper’s help to undo the knots in her shoulders later that night. “Kaz? I don’t think I’m that great of an actress… You also haven’t told us how we’re supposed to get the plans if we do get in.”

“Don’t worry darling, I’m sure we’ll manage. I’m talented enough for the both of us” Nikolai winked at her. Nikolai, who just so happened to be the privateer she had admired for years. She felt her cheeks flush. Saints, she thought, this is going to be a nightmare.

“Jesper and Wylan have also been invited to the party thanks to Wylan’s new position on the merchant’s council.” She had never been more grateful to Kaz for overlooking the interruptions. “They’ll cause a distraction, with Nazyalenski’s help, to let you and Nikolai slip past the guards and break into Van Verent’s office.” He stopped and looked at Y/N. “I know you can pick the lock and crack the safe. I trained you myself after all.”

The discussions and planning continued well into the night. Y/N wasn’t convinced it was such a good plan, but everyone else seemed on board so she kept her mouth shut. All she could do now was make sure to memorize all she could before the job. The party was two days away, which didn’t give them much time to learn all they could about their characters. Kaz had instructed Nikolai and Y/N to spend every waking moment working together to make sure they made a believable couple.

Twelve hours in, Y/N was cursing herself for saying she wasn’t a great actress. If she’d only pretended to be confident in her acting abilities, she might have been allowed to take a break from the insufferable king. Well, insufferable might have been a little dramatic but the man loved himself way too much. They had memorized their stories in the first 8 hours and were now being quizzed by Wylan and Jesper while she started tailoring them both, yet the King would not stop flirting with her. He also made sure to touch her every chance he got. A brush of his fingers on her cheek, of his knuckles on hers, twirling a strand of her hair around his finger. She knew it was just harmless fun for him. It was driving her completely mad. She just wanted him to take the job seriously.

“How did he propose?” Wylan asked for the third time in the past two hours.

Y/N sighed and moved her fingers through Nikolai’s hair to darken it. “It was incredibly romantic. He had planned a picnic by the lake where we met.” Her cheeks were already starting to hurt from the plastered smile on her face.

“I had all of her favourite foods, of course” Nikolai interjected, moving to softly caress the girl’s cheek.

Y/N had to restrain herself from slapping his hand away. “Yes, even strawberries, in winter! Can you believe it? Once the sun began to set, he dropped to one knee and pulled the ring from the picnic basket with a bouquet of winter roses. I’m so lucky to have fallen in love with such an attentive and caring man.” She turned to Kaz who had been observing them, leaning against the doorframe, and dropped the smile from her lips. “Was that satisfactory, Boss?”

Kaz shrugged. “It’d be better if you didn’t look like you wanted to stab him every time he touches you.”

Y/N released a breath. “Maybe if you’d let me take a break...” her tone was pleading.

Kaz smiled at that. He was finally wearing her down. Giving her a taste of what she’d put him through the last two years felt like sweet justice to him. He liked the girl well enough, but she had a way of getting on his nerves. He took no pity on her. “You’ll keep going until I actually believe you are in love with him.” He left the room with a pointed look at her.

Zoya released an amused laugh. “I’m just glad Nikolai found someone else to bother for a change.” She smiled smugly at Y/N. “Don’t worry, he’s mostly harmless. Just come find me if he gets too handsy, I’ll put him in his place for you.”

Y/N couldn’t believe it. Zoya had definitely sent her a wink before following behind Kaz. Maybe all her flirting had paid off?

“Sweetheart, I’m hurt, you are taking more interest in my general than in your own handsome husband.” Nikolai’s tone was toeing the line between mock hurt and amused.

She turned back to the three men in front of her. “Jesper, please, just shoot me.”

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai #king of scars #six of crows #kaz brekker #zoya nazyalensky #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #my fic #ari's fic #have i known you 20 seconds or 20 years #nikolai series #leigh bardugo #grishaverse #nikolai lantsov fanfic

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kindahoping4forever · 4 years

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I Don’t Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You // Poly!Cashton

@cal-puddies and I want to thank everyone who read/liked/reblogged/left us feedback during our Hoe For The Hoe-lidays event. We keep saying we can’t believe we pulled this off: between our 10 solo fics and this co-write, we posted over 30k words this week! I’m proud of not only that impressive feat but also the work we produced, these have been some of my favorite pieces in recent memory.

We knew we wanted to close out with a Galaxybrain co-write but we weren’t sure which of our lanes to feed. We figured, hey it’s the season of giving: why not both? 😏 In true Cass & Crystal fashion, this started out with us just being thirsty (we wrote the smut first lmao) but ended up being super heartfelt and emotional? Please be sure and let us know what you think, we couldn’t be prouder of this one!

Warnings: Reader x Calum, Reader x Ashton, Calum x Ashton; a relatively new throuple trying to figure out how to express their feelings for one another, filth but make it fluffy, unprotected sex within a triad relationship, oral sex performed on both a male and a female, manual stimulation of both a male and a female, cum play

Word Count: 9150

Cass & Crystal’s Masterlist // Hoe For The Hoe-lidays Masterlist

Let us know what you think!

“Food’s here,” a voice quietly announces with a rap on the door.

You turn to see Calum in your bedroom doorway, sheepishly mouthing ‘sorry’ when he realizes you’re on the phone. You step over to him and whisper, “I’m almost done, bub,” reassuring him with a quick peck on the lips.

A few minutes later, you follow the sounds of loud laughter and conversation to the living room; you smile when you see Ashton standing there, in the midst of an animated story while Cal sits on the couch, hanging on every word, laughing as if it’s the funniest thing he’s ever witnessed. You honestly wonder if maybe it is.

You bounce over behind Ash, throwing your arms around him, nuzzling his back; his leather jacket feels cold against your face so you assume he hasn’t been here long. “I didn’t know we were seeing you tonight,” you chirp.

He chuckles, slinging an arm around you. “I was texting with Cal when he was ordering dinner and it sounded good so I invited myself,” he explains, kissing your forehead.

“Bullshit, I absolutely invited you!” Cal insists, smiling eyes betraying his words of protest. You giggle at their banter and untangle yourself from Ash to serve yourself some dinner. Cal continues his teasing, “The food sounded good, just admit you missed us and move on.”

Ashton sits down on the couch next to Cal and nudges his knee tentatively with his own. “Of course I missed you,” he says simply. The two men exchange sweet, almost shy smiles and you feel your entire being light up with affection as you watch them.

It’d been four months since you and Ash had asked Calum to be a part of your relationship and while the three of you were still individually and collectively deciding exactly what all that means, you were happy and that’s all that mattered to you.

In the year and a half you were with Ashton, it was as intense and meaningful a relationship as you’d ever had - but it was never quite right and you’d split up a handful of times. During one of your “breaks” last year, a friend of a friend suggested that Cal might be the answer to your search for a new roommate. You met for coffee one day and immediately hit it off; you’d be lying if you said you didn’t quickly develop feelings for him but more than anything at that point, you needed a friend and Cal was there for you when it really counted.

It came as no surprise that when Ash started hanging around again, he bonded with Cal as instantly as you did and the three of you became inseparable. You and Ashton reconciled once again and couldn’t help but notice how much more communicative and at peace with each other you were with Calum around. It’s like he had been the missing piece all along, he made everything feel right - and you eventually told him as much.

Which is why you’re struggling so much with the bad news you have to deliver to your boyfriends. You sit on your living room floor, picking at your dinner, going over the dilemma in your mind for the 100th time, trying to find a different solution.

“Darlin’?” Cal’s gentle but firm voice shakes you out of your thoughts and you look up blankly. “Ash asked if you wanted another soda.”

You blink a few times, as if that will reset your mind and bring clarity. “Oh. No thank you, love, I’m good!” You call out towards the kitchen.

“You feelin’ OK?” Cal asks, reaching across the coffee table to stroke your arm. “We’ve been talking about this food all day and you’ve barely touched it.”

You look into his dark eyes, full of care and concern and know you have to be honest with him. “I need to talk to you both about Christmas… it’s not great,” you admit.

Ashton searches your face as he sits back down. “Is your mom alright?” He gently asks, remembering a health scare your family was dealing with when he went home with you last winter.

You offer him a faint, loving smile. “Everyone’s fine… great, even. Uh… my sister is getting engaged,” you share, chewing your lip.

“Oh! ...Oh,” he responds, starting to understand the issue.

Calum looks between the two of you, baffled. “I don’t understand, why is that bad? I thought we liked her boyfriend?”

“We do,” you start, carefully. “It’s just… With this news in mind, I don’t know if it’s really the right time to tell everyone about our relationship now.” You can’t bring yourself to look in Cal’s eyes yet, not wanting to see if he’s as hurt as you fear he may be.

He sits back on the couch, trying to process. “I thought you said your parents would be super understanding and chill about us?”

Ash sees you struggling to find the words so he tries to help. “They would be. They will be,” he reassures Cal with a warm smile. “I think the concern is that an engagement might seem kind of mundane compared to an announcement like ours. What’s more exciting than a daughter bringing home one son in law? How about the other daughter bringing home two?”

“They’d spend the whole time doting on us, making sure we’re comfortable, Facebooking all the extended family who’s coming to visit to make sure no one says anything that might offend us… her moment would get totally overshadowed,” you explain. “And I’d hate that, this is a big deal, she deserves to be The Story.”

Calum listens intently, nodding. You finally catch his gaze and are relieved to see nothing but understanding and compassion on his face. “OK. Well, wouldn't it be better if I just didn’t go at all then?” He offers sincerely.

Your exclamation of “Bubba, no!” blends with Ashton’s soft sigh of “Cal…” and you all have to laugh at the outburst.

"That's not me trying to be dramatic or anything, I just don't want to cause any trouble," he shrugs.

You scoot around to come sit next to the couch. "I've really been looking forward to us spending our first Christmas together," you insist, squeezing Cal's knee. "If you're uncomfortable with coming under these circumstances, I understand but for what it's worth, I would like you there."

Ash places his hand on top of yours, reassuring Calum as well. "The family's already expecting you, just as a roommate," he points out. "Plus… trying to keep our secret could be kind of fun." He winks at Cal, who can't resist breaking into a wide grin.

Your “fun” holiday couldn’t be off to a worse start the next morning when Ashton arrives bright and early to pick you and Cal up only to find you still in your pajamas, rushing to finish getting your bags together. After a few minutes of Ash stomping around, huffing about getting a late start, Cal, peacemaker that he is, offers to help him pack the car while you finish up.

You meet them in the driveway a few minutes later, dragging your suitcase behind you. Ash promptly snatches it away from you without a word and you glare at him fiercely.

Calum appears at your side and holds you by the waist. “You can’t blame him for being irritated,” he says quietly, rubbing your arm. “You knew what time he was coming, you should have been packed.”

“Yeah… but,” you start.

Cal is already shaking his head. “No, darlin’, there’s no excuse. We had a plan, you should have been ready.”

“See!” Ashton says, coming up beside the two of you.

“Well, you don’t get to gloat, babe, you could have handled it better,” Cal chides.

“I don’t like it when you don’t pick sides,” Ash says, coming over to peck Cal’s cheek. He presses his lips to the top of your head. “I’m sorry I was a grouch.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t ready and delayed us 15 whole minutes,” you reply.

Cal pinches your hip. “Passive aggressive much?”

Ash shrugs at you. “It’s coming out of your breakfast time. It’s a 6 hour drive, love.”

“I’m aware, love,” you fire back, helping yourself into the back seat. He sighs as you pull the hood up on your sweatshirt and stuff your hands in the pocket.

Ash huffs as he shuts your door. Cal gently grabs his arm. “Give her a few minutes. We’ll make breakfast quick, coffee and bagels; smother hers in cream cheese, get some caffeine in her and she’ll forgive you,” he reassures.

His prediction is spot on and by the time you’re halfway through your cup of coffee, you’re leaning into the front seat to run your fingers through both of your boyfriends’ hair. “I’m so glad I get to take you both home with me,” you say warmly. “I’m sorry it can’t be exactly what we wanted, but I know it’ll still be special, because we’ll be together.”

The rest of the drive goes smoothly and when you arrive at your parents’ house, the family is waiting at the door for you; after introducing Calum, you’re immediately whisked away by your sister, gushing about the recent trip her boyfriend took her on for their anniversary. You listen quietly and hope your smile doesn’t give anything away, you love that she has no idea what’s coming in a few days.

Your dad loves Ashton and couldn’t be more thrilled that you brought him home again; he offers to help him unload the car and makes a big show of pointing out how similar their leather jackets are, going so far as to make a “like father, like son” joke.

You sneak a few apologetic glances over at Calum, who you hope isn’t feeling too left out in his role of “your roommate” as he makes small talk with your sister’s boyfriend. You feel endlessly grateful for your mother when you see her sit down and start showing Cal all the gourmet vegetarian recipes she’s bookmarked on her iPad, asking what he’d prefer for Christmas dinner; she’s clearly charmed by his shyly polite responses and you fight the urge to go over and kiss over his squishy, crinkly face as her attention continues to make him more smiley and flustered.

While your mom and sister set the table for dinner, your dad and Ash carry the luggage to your respective rooms for you to get settled; you take advantage of the opportunity to break away and check in with Cal, under the guise of showing him the trick to operating the shower in the guest bathroom.

You turn the overhead fan on to help drown out your conversation. “You doin’ OK, bub?” You ask, massaging his shoulders.

He squeezes your hip. “It was hard at first but your mom’s sweet,” he gives you a sad smile. “Guess I didn’t realize how weird it’d be to see you and Ash act like a couple again, since I’m used to seeing you be… whatever we are.”

“The best thing that’s ever happened to me, that’s what we are,” you easily respond, drawing him in for a quick, soft kiss.

He holds you by the hips, resting his forehead to yours. “Thank you,” he murmurs. “You better get out of here before people get suspicious.” He presses his lips to your forehead and you step out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind you.

You spend the next few days trying to make sure Calum doesn’t feel left out. Your dad invites him to join some of the “future son in law” activities he’d planned but Cal is easily swayed to stay with your mom and help around the house. His height and muscle mass are highly desired for decorating or carrying in groceries and he’s so sweet and well-mannered, your mom is just tickled to have him around. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think she had a crush on him.

The day before Christmas Eve, Cal agrees to join the men for lunch and last minute shopping; your mom encouraged him to go because she wanted to make a secret shopping trip with you so you could pick out a few gifts for the family to give him so he didn’t get left out.

From what Ashton tells you when they return, the outing seemed to go well; you chatted with Cal a little that evening and he seemed to be in good spirits, happy with how things had turned out. But you can still sense him needing the affection you haven’t been able to provide; aside from a stolen kiss here and there, you’d barely touched him since you arrived and he and Ash had been keeping their distance so as not to raise eyebrows. What weighs on you most is knowing Calum hadn’t slept alone since the three of you became the three of you and you can see it wearing on him.

Ashton climbs in bed next to you. “Love… who’re you texting?” He asks, already knowing the answer.

“I just want to make sure he’s OK,” you say sheepishly.

“He’s fine, love,” he murmurs, kissing your cheek, then letting his lips trail down to your neck. “You’ve said he’s had fun with you and your mom and I saw him have a great day today. He’s good… now, me on the other hand? I could use some attention.” His lips firmly attach to your jaw and he’s practically laid himself on top of you, hovering.

You giggle at his lack of subtlety. “When do you not want attention?” You tease, pulling him into a hungry kiss. “I’ve been missing you too, Ash. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you much, I’ve just been worried about how Cal’s handling things and I love my family but being around them is kind of draining…”

He cuts you off with a sweet kiss. “I know, baby… ‘s why I thought we could use a little stress relief,” he flirts, leaning in to mouth at that spot behind your ear that makes you crazy.

You hum with interest and brush his hair off his forehead. “We’d have to be quiet, we can’t have another incident like last year,” you say with a smirk.

Ash pulls back to playfully glare at you. “We’ve gone over this, technically that noise I made was your fault. If you hadn’t done that thing with your tongue, I wouldn’t have cum so suddenly and the incident would’ve been avoided,” he argues, tickling your side.

You try fighting him off to no avail. “My sister did think it was pretty funny… after the initial horror wore off,” you giggle, batting at his hands, trying to get him to let up.

After another minute or so of play fighting, you “win” by wrapping your legs around Ashton’s body and using them to draw him back over you. He kisses you with a little more emotion behind it than last time, pulling away to whisper, “I’m very happy I get to be here with you.” Your stomach flips at his sincerity and you wrap your arms around his neck, letting your kisses tell him how much you appreciate him.

Things start to heat up and Ash’s hands slide up your sweatshirt and over your hips; his hands are slow to tease you the way they usually do and when you rock against him, you’re slightly surprised you don’t feel him straining against his sweatpants yet. Your fingers travel under his long sleeve tee and dance over his abs to meet his waistband. You’re just about to dip your hand in when he stops you.

“Does this feel weird to you? This feels weird to me,” he sighs, flopping over onto his back beside you. He runs his hand through his long, dark hair, distressed. “Why does this feel weird to me?”

You roll onto your side, curling up next to him. “Well… we haven’t been intimate together, just the two of us, since Cal happened,” you say gently, stroking softly at his chest. “Do you think maybe you miss him being with us?”

“Yeahhhhh, I think so…” He lets out a long exhale, playing with your hand on him. “I just… it’s silly, you and me had sex a million times before we met him and now… I pull away from you and expect to see his eyes smiling at me while he kisses your shoulders. Expect to feel your skin already warm from his touch… expect to feel him warm next to me. Want it, even.”

“Ash,” you pout, touched by how he’s opening up to you, how open he’s being with himself about his feelings for Calum. “It’s not silly, you care about him. It’s not that you and I are suddenly uncomfortable with each other, it’s just that we’re used to more than this now. Need it, even.”

You rest your head on his chest and lay together, quiet and understanding while you both evaluate your feelings. After a while, you decide to lighten the mood, lifting your head up to tease, “A million times, eh?”

Ashton laughs loudly, clamping his hand over his mouth to muffle the noise. A beat passes and he meets your eyes for the first time since this conversation started, giving you an almost shy smile. “Think we could slip him in here undetected?”

You grin at him as you reach for your phone. “I don’t think the three of us would be able to keep it down, so no funny business,” you warn, texting your boyfriend. “But at the very least, we’ll get some alone time, even for a few minutes.”

Ash gets up and cracks the door, waiting for Cal to make his way down the hall; when he appears in the doorway, you see Ashton’s shoulders instantly relax. He gently closes the door behind him and wraps Calum in a tight, warm embrace; you can’t tell what Ash murmurs in his ear but whatever it is, it casts a soft, lovestruck glow across Cal’s features when he hears it.

His eyes meet yours and you open your arms wide. “Come lay with us, bubba,” you invite him.

“But…” He motions to the door, looking unsure.

Ash shrugs, “We can say we’re watching a movie.” He rests his chin on Cal’s shoulder from behind. “What do you say, babe? We miss you.”

Calum relaxes, gently reaching up to scratch at Ash’s scruff. He moves toward the bed but clearly doesn’t know what to do.

“Lay next to me, bub!” You smile, patting the bed next to you.

Ash lets a soft smile cross his face. “Why don’t you get in the middle?” He suggests.

Cal lays next to you and you instantly snuggle into him, throwing your arm across his body while Ash settles in on his other side. Cal wraps his arm around you and kisses your forehead; you look up with a pout and he presses his lips to yours. He pulls away from you when he feels Ashton nuzzle his cheek; Ash looks at him lovingly and gently plants a chaste kiss on his lips.

“Thought we were cuddling, lovers,” Cal whispers against his mouth.

“We are… just wanted to give you affection too,” Ash murmurs.

The three of you lay quietly for a while, Ash’s head next to Cal’s on the pillow and you draped across Cal’s body. His arm is tight around your back while he and Ash shyly play with each other’s fingers.

Ash looks over at you and you watch as his eyes take you in. “Our girlfriend sure is beautiful, isn’t she, Cal?” He whispers, lips gently pressing to Cal’s jaw.

“Gorgeous,” he agrees, turning his eyes to you, sweeping your hair back. Ash leans in to you first for a kiss, with Cal wanting one right after. You sigh, scooting up so you can rest your head in the crook of Cal’s neck, and let yourself drift to sleep. Calum knows immediately, he’s felt your even breath on his neck many times.

“She sleeps so easy with you,” Ash comments, brushing his fingers against Cal’s for the umpteenth time. Cal finally laces his fingers with Ashton’s, looking over at him. They stare at each other for a few moments before Ash speaks again. “I’m so glad you decided to come with us after all… I know it’s not perfect and not what we talked about, but I don’t think either of us would enjoy this without you.”

“I’m really happy to be here,” Cal responds quietly, squeezing Ash’s hand and your sleeping body gently. “I was definitely missing all of this though... thanks for bringing me in tonight.”

“We needed you,” Ash confesses, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. “Weird when you're not here now.”

Calum turns his face toward Ashton’s, nuzzling in and enjoying the warmth of his boyfriend, his rough hand wrapped with his; he grins against Ash’s cheek and Ash responds with a kiss to his forehead.

Cal stays, wrapped in the both of you, for another 45 minutes before the men agree it’s time to call it a night. He tries his best not to wake you as he slips out of bed but he fails, leading to an extra 15 minutes of your soft whines and insistence that he stay. He finally leaves you with a passionate kiss and a kiss on the cheek for Ash.

The next day, Christmas Eve, goes by fast. Various family and friends are in and out of the house all day, stopping by to share their holiday greetings. Continuing your family’s tradition, the men head out in the afternoon to pick out and haul home a Christmas tree and after dinner, you all decorate it together.

Like you’ve done since you were kids, the lights in the living room get turned off for a dramatic “reveal” of the lit and decorated tree when you’re all finished. The multi-colored lights get plugged in and brighten up the room, illuminating your sister’s boyfriend down on one knee. You squeeze Ashton’s hand and subtly brush your pinky down the back of Calum’s hand. Her “moment” is perfect and you silently thank your boyfriends with your eyes for understanding why you wanted this for her.

After some dessert and celebratory cocktails, everyone is exhausted but happy to be together. Your dad gets a fire going and your sister puts on the old Rudolph special you loved as kids; you plop yourself in Ashton's lap on the couch, with Cal sitting close by, close enough for you to keep throwing him little glances undetected. You know it must’ve been hard for him to go back to bed alone after the time you spent together last night and even harder today, having to watch you and Ash continually couple up and be gushed over by your holiday visitors.

Halfway through the show, your dad starts snoring so Mom decides it’s time for them to head up to bed. Your sister and her fiancée make it through to the end of the show but when you suggest following it up with Frosty The Snowman, they decline and tell you and the guys goodnight.

After such a long day, filled with so much unspoken emotion, it's surprising how quiet the three of you are now that you're alone. Sitting with your men in a room lit only by the warm glow of the fire and the soft colored lights of the tree - this was the type of scene you imagined when you envisioned your first Christmas together. But the feeling's not quite right.

You peck Ashton on the cheek before sliding off his lap, moving to sit on the other side of Calum, putting him in the middle of you and Ash. You run a hand through his hair, tentatively at first, just in case everyone in the house isn't quite settled yet. "How are you, bub?" You ask softly.

He closes his eyes, leaning into your touch and you feel your heart both swell and break a little at how badly he was clearly needing your affection. "Good. Tired. Happy I can finally do this," he replies, leaning in to give you a short but needy kiss.

When he pulls back, he grabs your hand out of his hair and brings it up to his lips for a kiss; he waits a beat then reaches for Ash’s hand and kisses it as well. “Missed you too, bub,” you murmur with a smile.

Ash looks at both of you, adoration in his eyes. You recognize that look on his face, the one that means he’s searching for the right words, trying to line up his emotions with his nervous tongue.

You squeeze his other hand that’s resting on the back of the couch behind Cal, sensing he needs encouragement and he glances at you, grateful.

"We both missed you, Cal,” he starts, shaking his head as he decides to go all in. “I’ve missed you, is what I mean actually. Not being able to have you close the past few days has me realizing how much closer I would like you to be."

He cups Cal’s face, stroking gently with his thumb while he waits for his words to sink in and his nerves to settle. He inches forward and gently kisses him; it’s brief but Ash is purposeful in the way their lips slot together. When he gets bold and slips in his tongue, Cal visibly tenses and Ash pulls away gracefully, not wanting to push.

You stop yourself from obviously reacting but your heart feels like it might burst out of your chest. You've watched them both struggle to navigate their feelings for each other over the past four months and you couldn't be happier to see at least Ashton take a step towards clarity. You gently rest your palm on top of their intertwined hands and squeeze twice; a supportive one for Ash and a reassuring one for Cal.

Cal, dazed, turns to look at you briefly before his eyes briefly widen as if a light bulb has gone off. He grabs Ash’s neck to pull him in for another kiss, this one more desperate, with daring tongue and teeth.

You quietly pull your hand off theirs, not wanting to intrude on the intimacy of their moment. You can't deny that witnessing their hunger for each other has you feeling needy yourself but you know how important this exploration is for them, how important it is for the three of you, so you patiently sit and watch.

They eventually pull away from each other, panting. You see them exchange a look of some sort and then Calum is reaching for you; he kisses you feverishly while lifting you over his lap and fitting you in between him and Ash. His lips move down to your neck and suddenly Ashton's tongue is slowly tangling with yours; you can tell by his kiss he's still in his feelings and you do your best to match his energy, letting him know you're there for him.

You break apart, one of your hands in each of your boyfriends' hair. You all look back and forth between each other and quietly laugh, ecstatic to be alone together and ready to take advantage of this opportunity.

Ashton gives you another lingering kiss, massaging your breast over your sweater before pulling away and immediately drawing Calum in for a kiss; they sit up on their knees, making out over you and you watch how they lose themselves in it, yet keep their hands occupied in each other's hair, almost as if they're unsure if they should go further. They each let out a quiet groan and you note the tents forming in both of their pants; you decide to help them out and reach to palm their straining cocks while they kiss.

It surprises Ashton more than Cal; he stops their kiss to look down at you. He runs a hand over your face and smiles at you briefly before his mouth is back on Cal’s.

You turn toward Calum, gently lifting his shirt and kissing on his stomach. He lets out an appreciative moan for your touch and you take that cue to unzip his pants; he eagerly cooperates in helping you pull him out of his boxers.

“Oh god,” he moans against Ash’s mouth as you use yours to slick him up before stroking your hand over his now wet cock. You’ve missed him: his sounds, his taste, the way he feels against your skin, the way he appreciates you and the attention you give him. You press sloppy kisses to his length, grinning to yourself as precum beads at his tip, moving to kitten lick at it.

Ashton gently tugs on your hair, wanting attention for himself. You continue rubbing over his bulge, adding in a few squeezes, buying yourself a little more time with Calum. You finally pull off and look up at your boyfriends, still lost in each other, though Cal steals a glance down at you while Ash’s lips are pressed to his jaw. He gives you a little grin and pushes his hand under Ash’s shirt.

You notice Ash falter for a second in reaction to Cal touching him that way but he quickly recovers from his hesitation, moaning quietly and tucking a hand in your hair. You pull at the button on his pants, taking his cock out and slicking him up as well; you swirl your tongue around the head, enjoying the soft groans you hear coming from him, thrilled that you're not sure if they're being caused by you or Cal. You notice that his hand has left you and has begun unbuttoning Cal's shirt; Calum reaches down and yanks at the shoulder of your sweater, gesturing for you to take it off.

Ash quietly sighs at the loss of your mouth but is quickly distracted by kissing over Cal's now exposed chest; you pull your sweater over your head and tug your leggings down while you're at it, leaving you in your bra and panties. You give a small whimper of relief as you press your thighs together before reaching for the cocks on either side of you, shiny and red, begging for your attention. You stroke them both evenly and firmly, watching with pride as their expressions change in response to your actions.

Calum is the first to glance at you and notice your new state of undress. "Fuck, darlin', look at you," he rasps, leaning down to kiss you, sneaking his fingers inside your bra to play with a nipple. "Look so pretty under all these lights." Cal smiles against your lips as he feels Ash's hand stroke through his hair while he kisses you.

Ashton pulls his own shirt off and then his hand snakes between your legs, tracing over the front of the lacy, damp material. "Mmm, so wet for us, baby,” he teases lowly, dipping his fingers underneath your panties to tap lightly at your clit. “Think you’ll be able to keep quiet if we decide to do anything about it?” Cal groans as he sucks just below your earlobe; he loves how responsive you are when Ash taunts you like this.

Proving his point, you let out a whine before quickly biting your lip to fight back any other sounds that might come out. Ash chuckles, suddenly rubbing hard and fast at your clit just to see how much restraint you have. You screw your eyes shut, determined to remain silent. “You’re one to talk, most of the noises I’ve heard tonight have come from your mouth, love,” you point out once you catch your breath. You squeeze his cock and he breathes out a deep moan, proving your point.

Cal chuckles at the exchange and Ash shoots him a glare, pulling him back over to him. “Laugh it up,” he smirks, kissing his neck to distract from his hand traveling to thumb over Cal’s nipple; Cal loudly gasps, body rigidly jolting like he’s been struck by lightning. He grabs Ash’s face with both hands and muffles his moans with an intense kiss.

You turn your focus back to Ash’s cock, knowing Calum is already dealing with a lot of stimulation from the nipple play. You bob your mouth on him a couple times, just because you feel like it and then work on building a steady rhythm with your hand. You bite back another moan when Cal’s hand moves down to cover yours, essentially helping you jerk Ashton off.

Despite their obvious attraction, your boyfriends have never gone beyond the occasional kiss during sex with you so tonight had already been a big step for them. You look up and see Cal, Ash’s lips firmly attached to his neck, looking curious but confident as he watches his hand move with yours. Your eyes meet and you nod, understanding; you drop your hand from Ash’s cock, leaning back to watch Cal seamlessly take over, continuing with the rhythm you started.

Ashton immediately reacts to the difference in touch: the unknown grip, the new sensation of rough calluses running over his shaft, the unfamiliar feeling of a hand much larger than yours stroking him. “Cal,” he shakily breathes, pulling back to look at him.

“Is this alright?” Calum whispers, hoping the quietness of his voice will mask his nervousness.

Ash closes his eyes and leans his forehead against Cal’s, breathing deep, trying to ground himself, trying to process all the thoughts and emotions swirling in his brain right now.

“Don’t stop,” he states with certainty.

Cal’s hand swipes over the tip of Ashton’s cock, spreading around the precum he’s coaxed out, expertly keeping with the established rhythm. You watched Ash’s expression change from confusion to curiosity and now you see it switch to the confidence you’re used to seeing from him, especially in the bedroom; you see his hand fidgeting at his side moments before he clenches his jaw and reaches out to touch Calum’s cock. His strokes aren’t nearly as precise or measured as Cal’s are but his boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind; Cal lets out a throaty sigh of his name and you swear it’s the most erotic thing you’ve witnessed yet.

The men lock their mouths into another heated kiss while they continue to explore pleasuring each other; with them distracted, you slide yourself up and off the couch, moving down to the floor to give them some space and to give you some space to spread out and really enjoy the sight before you. You tug at your nipples like Cal would and slide your hand down your stomach and into your panties to swirl your clit like Ash would. You miss their touch but you’re more than happy to wait your turn for it this time.

Your eyes don’t leave them for a second as you make slow, careful work of pleasing yourself. You watch as Ash boldly tugs at Cal’s jeans, trying to pull them down more; he gets them just below his ass and his free hand grips it tightly. You let out a little moan and Ashton reaches his hand out for you, finally realizing you’re no longer between them.

They pull out of their own little world, searching for you. Calum spots you on the ground first. “What’re you doin’ down there, darlin’?” He teases, moving down next to you.

You press a quick kiss to his lips while he undoes your bra; he quickly moves his mouth down to your tits, lavishing your nipples with much needed attention. “Just enjoying the show,” you confess, looking directly at Ash.

Ash moves from the couch, grabbing a blanket to lay in front of the fireplace. He discards his jeans before beckoning the two of you over to join him. You both crawl over to the blanket and before you get settled, Ash helps your boyfriend out of the rest of his clothes. He wraps a hand around Calum’s cock; he pauses to look at you briefly and then back over to the beautiful man naked in front of him. His tongue darts out of his mouth and before any of you can process it, he’s licking the tip of Cal’s cock.

“Oh,” Cal moans, tucking his fingers into Ash’s hair. Ashton, feeling emboldened by that response, wraps his lips around the head, continuing to test the waters. “Yeah,” Cal mutters. “That… that’s good.”

Ash’s other hand pushes up your thigh and you interlace your fingers with his. You watch as he tests circling his tongue around the tip before pulling back to turn his attention to you. He pulls your panties down, kissing your thighs and up over your lips, letting his tongue spread them so he can tease your clit. He pulls up as Calum settles in next to him, wasting no time in getting his turn at flicking his tongue over your clit.

“Been so good for us, think it’s time we repay you,” Ash murmurs, kissing up to your hip. He watches you tangle your fingers in Cal’s hair and groans when you do the same to him. His hand travels down between your thighs and he pushes two fingers into you. “Cal’s tongue feel good for you?”

You bite your lip, trying to hold in a moan. “Yes, love.”

Cal continues working over your clit while his hand reaches up your body, giving attention to your nipples once again; Ashton’s fingers continue pumping inside you, mouth settled against your jaw, unceasingly affirming his and Cal’s affection for you.

“So patient tonight, love,” he whispers, mouthing along your neck, careful not to leave any marks. “Lettin’ me and Cal play while you’re over here so wet and needy.”

You take a deep breath, overwhelmed at all of the sudden attention. “Wanted it for you, could tell you both needed it,” you admit, digging your nails into Ash’s arm as Cal’s lips enclose your clit and start sucking. “Didn’t mind watching either.”

Ashton grins and plants a sloppy kiss on you; he pulls away to lean down and run his hand softly through Cal’s hair before pulling him up from between your legs to kiss him passionately. Both men groan at the realization that Ash can taste your arousal on Cal’s lips; Ashton takes it a step further and removes his hand from your pussy, sinking his drenched fingers into Calum’s mouth. Cal hollows his cheeks and sucks Ash’s fingers deep into his mouth, swirling his tongue around them, bobbing back and forth on them, wondering when he’ll get to give Ashton’s cock the same treatment.

For what feels like the hundredth time tonight, your jaw drops at the erotic sight before you and you reach out for one or both of your boyfriends to tend to you. Your head lolls back as you whine, “Please... babes… I need you so bad.”

Calum promptly pulls his mouth away with a lewd pop and lays on his side next to you. “Need you too, darlin’, you have no idea,” he murmurs as he grabs your hip, easily turning you to your side and slinging your leg over him. “Can’t remember the last time I went this long without having you.” He takes his cock in hand, running it up and down to coat it with your wetness before easing himself inside you, silencing your soft, relieved exhale with a kiss.

Cal softly rocks into you, sucking gently at your bottom lip, stroking your hair back with his hand; you feel Ashton lay down behind you and begin running his fingers down your back, quietly showing you his care while respecting the moment you and Cal are having, much like you respected their time together.

Your hand moves down to grab Cal’s ass, attempting to bring him even closer to you; you feel his muscles tensing and flexing under your hold as he pumps inside you and you bury your face in his chest to keep from crying out. You hear the slick sound of Ash’s hand working his cock as he watches you two together and you reach for him, wanting him near.

“I’m here, love,” he reassures you, nibbling at your ear, massaging over your breast. “You two look so fuckin’ good together, couldn’t help myself.” He extends his arm, reaching to squeeze Cal’s bicep.

Your hand searches behind you until it finds Ashton’s cock, throbbing against your ass; you give it a squeeze and he whimpers into your skin.

“Ash needin’ you too, baby?” Calum asks, voice scratchy with desire. “Know you’re gonna make him feel so good, just like you’re doin’ for me.” He gives you a couple more slow thrusts before he pulls out and helps you onto your other side where Ashton lays waiting.

You smile hazily at Ash as he lifts your leg over his hip and taps his cock against your clit. “So generous with your body, love,” he praises you, hissing as he slides into your wet heat. “Treatin’ us both so good tonight, thank you, baby.”

You caress his cheek as he starts slowly thrusting into you; you press your lips to his and you both lose yourselves in a slow, intimate kiss. Calum hangs back, watching you two communicate what you need to; when Ash breaks the kiss to moan into your mouth, Cal reaches over and begins to play with your breasts.

Ashton’s large hand grips your ass to pull you closer, getting a deeper angle that has you seeing stars. You twist your upper body toward Cal and he kisses you briefly before moving his lips back to your nipples. You push your hand down his body to find his cock, getting in a few strokes before he stops you. “Trust me, darlin’, I’m not needing any help right now.” His hand slips down your body to rub soft circles on your clit. “Let us focus on you.”

“Babes,” you sigh in the form of a soft moan, raspy as it leaves your lips. The sound is so sensual it causes Ash’s hips to lose rhythm and he lets go of your ass, giving a few shallow thrusts before pulling out.

“You gotta take Cal, baby, I need a minute,” he pants, clearly on the edge of losing it. He nuzzles his nose against yours, helping you turn back to your other boyfriend.

“Hey, darlin’,” Cal coos, grinning as he enters you again. You immediately pull him as close as possible.

“Want you both close,” you announce, looking over your shoulder at Ash. He scoots in against your back, kissing over your shoulders. You sigh, “Thank you.”

You give Ashton a short kiss before turning to press your face into Calum’s chest as he works his hips a little faster, harder. You feel a moan reverberating in Cal’s chest but it’s muffled when it spills from his lips; you look up to see him kissing Ash hungrily.

You moan, getting lost in your own world, letting Cal have your body, feeling his body on yours, Ashton’s body at your back, the strength in their frames as you lay between them.

Calum pulls out and turns you back towards Ash. Ashton is still breathing heavy and his kisses are needy, almost frantic, as he pushes into you. “I’m sorry, love, I’m s’close,” he chokes out. “Between you and Cal…”

You cut him off with a kiss. “Nothin’ to apologize for, love,” you murmur. “Want you to cum for me.”

His fingers dig in and hold on to your ass hard, pulling you tight against his body. “Cum for us, Ash,” Calum whispers as he slides his hand down to grip Ashton’s ass, causing Ash’s hips to stutter and jolt against you. You watch Ash pull on Cal’s neck so he can sink his teeth into Cal’s plump lower lip as he spills his cum into you, shuddering in your arms. You let out a loud moan and you all hold your breath waiting to see if it’s woken anyone up.

Once Ash comes down, he tenderly kisses you. “Love,” he murmurs. You give him a few more sweet kisses before you feel Calum’s eager fingers on your skin.

Ashton helps turn you around and his lips shower your shoulders and neck with affection as Cal sinks into you. He groans at the new sensation of Ash’s hot cum surrounding his cock, making you feel even more wet and warm to him.

Ash pushes his hand between your bodies and starts rubbing your clit in time with Cal’s thrusts. “It’s your turn, love, been so good and selfless tonight. Let Cal feel you cum,” he coaxes. “Look at you, look at Cal, look at how good you feel to our boyfriend.”

Cal’s eyes are screwed shut, his lip between his teeth as he tries to hold in any noises. “Calum,” you moan softly. His eyes open to find yours and you lean in for a feverish kiss, a kiss that becomes all tongue as you work your body against him.

Ashton mutters “Fuck” behind you and Cal lets out a guttural moan as you start to squeeze around his cock. You whine helplessly, “I’m cumming.”

“I feel that… let it go,” Cal encourages. You press your face into his chest to quiet yourself and without thinking you start biting and sucking his skin. Ash keeps rubbing your clit through your orgasm until you gently push his hand away, too sensitive to let him continue.

When Ash pulls his fingers up, it’s immediately noticeable they’re covered in both your arousal and his cum that leaked out of you. As soon as that registers to Calum, he grabs for Ash’s hand and takes his fingers into his mouth again, cleaning and sucking them like before. Once he’s done, Ashton takes the opportunity to explore a little more, pumping his fingers, treating Cal’s mouth like he does your pussy.

You shift yourself slightly back, leaning more into Ash so you can watch Calum come undone. You feel his hips continue to drive his cock into you as you watch the obscene way Ash fingers his mouth. You could almost cum again from the visual alone.

“Gonna cum for us, baby?” You breathe, out of your mind with desire. Cal glances at you with a question in his eyes but you answer it before he has a chance to ask. “It’s OK, I want you to.”

Ashton pulls his fingers from Cal’s mouth and pushes your bodies tighter together. He wraps his hand around the back of Cal’s neck, thumb caressing his cheek. “Need you to cum for us, handsome.” And that seems to do it for him. Cal’s hips falter and he clings to you, groaning deeply as he pumps you with cum. It’s the first time you’ve ever let him cum in you and it couldn’t feel more right. His body is tense for a few more moments and then he relaxes, first pressing his lips to yours and then to Ashton’s.

“You’re gonna make a mess,” he chuckles as he gently pulls out.

“We’ve got plenty we can clean her up with,” Ash shrugs.

Cal considers that point and sits up, lifting your thigh to watch in awe as his cum - at least he assumes it’s his - starts to leak out of you. “Incredible,” he murmurs, leaning in, pressing kisses along your thigh.

Ashton sits up to join him and his eyes ping pong back and forth between watching you drip and watching Cal’s reaction to it. He swirls his fingers in the cum that’s now pooling on your thigh. He pulls back a little, drawing your and Cal’s attention. You watch in shock as he pushes his fingers into his mouth, tasting all three of you together. He moans and repeats the action, only this time, pulling Calum in for a kiss, sharing the taste with him.

They break apart and the three of you smile at each other, basking in the intimacy of everything that’s just happened. Cal lays down next to you, stroking over your hair as Ash reaches for his shirt and cleans between your thighs. When he’s done, he curls up next to you and Cal kisses him and then you. “So lucky to have you both,” Cal murmurs.

“We’re the lucky ones,” Ash smiles, grabbing Cal’s hand, interlacing their fingers and letting them rest on your hip.

“I hate that you have to go to bed alone after this,” you pout, kissing on Calum’s jaw.

“I’ll be just fine, this was worth it. Thank you both,” he whispers sincerely. He squeezes Ash’s hand and kisses your forehead.

You’re practically asleep, warm and naked, feeling safe with your loves when they finally decide it’s time for bed. The guys quickly pull their clothes back on and help you into yours. Ash takes the blanket to the laundry room while you put out the fire and turn off the Christmas tree lights. You hold their hands as you navigate the dark house, pulling them up the stairs.

You stop at the guest room to say goodnight to Cal. “You should come to bed with us,” you whisper.

Calum smiles at you but shakes his head. “I think we’ve already pushed our luck quite a bit tonight, darlin’.” He looks to Ash for backup.

“Your sister got her perfect engagement, we pulled off the world’s quietest threesome… we should take the win,” Ashton chuckles quietly.

You pout but know they’re right. Cal pulls you into him by your hips and kisses you, slow but passionate. “Get to bed, darlin’.”

You walk to your room and stand in the doorway, waiting for Ashton. You smile as you watch your boyfriends flirt, easily the most comfortable they’ve ever been with each other. Ash actively reaches out to pull Cal into a kiss and you decide it’s a moment for them; you lay in bed and close your eyes, letting the memories of the evening wash over you, filling you with warmth and contentment.

Ashton quietly enters the room, unsure if you’re awake; you feel the bed shift as he climbs in and you turn over to gaze at him dreamily. “How you feelin’, love?” You ask, carefully, wanting to encourage him to share with you without seeming like you’re pressing.

He lays on his side and gives you a loving, appreciative look. “Happy. Excited. Very, very grateful to have someone like you by my side,” he reflects, gently tracing where your t-shirt has lifted to expose your hip. “I know it’s taken me a while to kind of figure out what I need from this relationship… even back when it was just us, honestly. You’ve just always been so patient and open with me and I hope I’ve made clear how much I appreciate that. And you.”

You scoot in closer, resting your head on his pillow, your face inches from his. “Even before Cal happened, I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, Ash. With me, without me… with me with someone else…” You both giggle and you peck his lips sweetly. “I’m glad you’re finding your place in all this. And I’m happy to do whatever I can to help you find it.”

You know it takes a lot for Ashton to share with you like this and you savor it when it happens. You lay yourself on his chest and he strokes your hair as you quietly talk some more. You’re starting to drift off to sleep when you hear your phone buzz on the nightstand. You look up at Ash, concerned, before reaching for it.

“It’s Cal, asking if we’re awake?” You shrug, quickly responding that you are.

Seconds later, your bedroom door slowly opens and Calum carefully closes it behind him. Unlike the previous night, he doesn’t hesitate to help himself onto the bed and snuggle into your back, resting his hand on top of Ash’s on your hip.

“Couldn’t sleep. It just… I don’t know... didn’t feel right being without you both after that,” he explains, kissing your neck.

Light kisses and soft touches are exchanged between you all and then there’s a brief discussion about how long the cuddle session should be. You push to have Cal sleep in bed with you and Ash and though they’re reluctant at first, you eventually convince your boyfriends that the family will be none the wiser as long as you set an alarm to get him back to his room before everyone is up and around for Christmas morning.

Ashton untangles himself from you both to set both the alarm clock on the nightstand and the alarm on his phone, just to be safe. You turn towards Cal and peck his nose. “Feelin’ OK, bubba?”

He smiles, brushing your hair back. “Me? How are you? Tonight was kind of a lot. This week was kind of a lot, I feel like I haven’t checked in enough…”

“Bub, I’m so good,” you promise him, snuggling into his chest. “I’ve got you, I’ve got Ash… I get to wake up with you both on Christmas morning. It seems crazy to say but I actually think this all turned out perfectly.”

You feel Ash press himself tightly against your back, stretching his arms out to hug you both, sandwiching you between the two men. It’s sweet at first and then it quickly becomes silly and the three of you giggle quietly, giddy with exhaustion and affection.

“Plus, now everyone has an idea of what we're all like together so it won't come as too big of a shock when I post a picture of me kissing you both at midnight on New Year's Eve," you grin back and forth between the two.

Calum chuckles, "Oh is that the new plan?"

You wrap their arms tighter across you and contentedly say, "New year, new beginning. Let my sister have Christmas, New Year's will be ours."

Your words hang in the air as you all consider the weight of them. Ash breaks the silence by laughing to himself, causing both you and Cal to look at him with inquiry.

"Care to share?" You ask, using Cal's hand to playfully jab Ash's side, causing him to laugh more.

Ashton looks at you both and smirks, "I was just thinking… if tonight was Christmas sex at your family's house, the fuck are we gonna do to celebrate New Year's Eve at home?"

Calum snickers beside you, a naughty look on his face making you wonder what's running through his mind.

"Well," you start, playfully nipping under each of your boyfriends' jaws. "We've got a whole week to figure that out, now don't we?"

————-

Taglist issues again so my apologies if you get notif’d more than once (or not at all)

@mymindwide @suchalonelysunflower @pxrxmoore @loveroflrh @ghostofmashton @sexgodashton @feliznavidaddycal

@castaway-cashton @ashtonlftv @cashtonasfuck @megz1985 @ashdork-irwin @angelicfluffs @findingliam-o @youngbloodchild @irwinsbetch @everyscarisahealingplace

@wiildflower-xxx @metalandboybands @realisticnotes @makeamovehemmings @golden166 @burstintocolor

@mfartzzz @babyoria @petunias-pet @youngblood199456 @notinthesameguey @seanna313 @zhangyixingxing1 @stardust-galaxies @zackoid

@lovelybonesetc @xsongxbirdx @justhereforcalum @ashtonangst

@laura66sos @calumrose @karajaynetoday @pilunb @jazzyangel242 @babylon-corgis @heyheyhaleyd @calmsweetcreature

@spicycal @talkfastromance4 @holystxne

@meetmedowntown @myloverboyash

@irwindoll @cheekysos @carrielfisher @lukedorkyhemmings @creampiecashton @lovelywordsblog

@trix-arent-for-kids @uh-huhh-honey @tobefalling @aladyofalbion @likehuhdude

@curlycalums @cxddlyash @reddesert-healourblues

@fedorable-killjoys @iamcalumswhore @i-like-5sos

@aquarius-hood1996 @babylonashton @letmeadoreyoucalumx

@begluketostay @four-brits-and-an-irishman @mateisit-balsamic

@crazyforcal @neso-k @deliciouslydisturbed365 @blxndeprincess

#5sos smut #Cashton smut #PolyCashton smut #Calum hood smut #ashton irwin smut #Calum smut #ashton smut #5 seconds of summer smut #smut #Kindahoping4forever #cal-puddies #cass & crystal #the dream team 🦦🦦#Feedback is appreciated #cass and crystal present: hoe hours #cass and Crystal present: hoe for the hoelidays #I Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You #Thank you for reading and supporting our clownery this week!#We love you all and happy holidays!

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author-morgan · 3 years

Note

👀 can we get that rant about how Valhalla is 💩?

Oh boy, where do I even start? So, for one, Ubisoft moved the launch date of Valhalla up to align with the release of next-gen consoles (Xbox Series X and PlayStation 5) near the start of November 2020, and likely to have more time to sell copies before competition from games with December releases, like Cyberpunk 2077. But what we got was an unfinished mess of a game (and I’m sure a month wouldn’t have made much of a difference, but we’ll never know now). This isn’t an issue particularly with Valhalla as it is with the entire gaming industry at the moment, though.

The capitalistic drive to charge ridiculous amounts of money (most base games start at $70 USD now) for an unfinished product is sickening. Why can we not just take the time to release a game that will be playable at launch anymore? Do I expect all games to be perfect at launch? No. From the Assassin’s Creed series, neither Odyssey nor Origins were perfect, but they were a whole hell of a lot better than what we got with Valhalla. Even Shadow of War and Red Dead Redemption 2 had their flaws at launch, but at least I could still play the games. Also, the price for DLCs? Insane. The Dawn of Ragnarök DLC is running for $40 USD, that’s almost the price of a new game?

I got my disc (call me an old-timer, but I like to still have physical copies of things) popped it in my Xbox, and waited for over 5 hours for it to install and download the needed content. And that’s where things went wrong. The cutscenes looked awful. The dialogue didn’t match up to lip movements. NPCs would glitch out. Has this been improved? Yes. But it took over three months for the game to even look halfway decent, and by that time, I’d already done half of the ridiculously long main storyline (for the love of God, I never want to play a game that takes close to 100 hours just to complete a main storyline).

The opening sequence for Valhalla is ridiculously long, so long I thought we wouldn’t see a title card at that point, but you know what sucks even more? Having to replay that portion of the game 4 times because the save function was not working properly. I had to start over 4 times. Easily 20 hours of playthrough. Then, once someone on Reddit who was having the same issue as I was suggested to make sure the game was saved both to the cloud and my storage, I was able to progress. But not for long.

The number of times Valhalla crashed back to the Home Screen is ridiculous, so I would lose progress every time that happened, but not as bad as starting back from the beginning. So many of the main quests were bugged. The start scene wouldn’t trigger. I couldn’t interact with an NPC to progress. Once or twice I even desynchronized during a cut scene. So, what does that mean when the quests bug? You either restart the game/console or have to wait for a patch. One of the quests with Aelfred took several restarts for it finally work (and the loading times in Valhalla are so bad).

But if I thought the main quests were bad, the side quests, oh wait world events, were even worse. Some of them I was not able to complete until 6 months after launch, and each patch and update was just me waiting and waiting. Just ask @mrsragnarlodbrok about the damn pig of prophecy. Oh, let’s not forget the fast travel bug. For almost a month, I could not fast travel anywhere, could not call my longship, and while the England map may not have been as large as Odyssey, it’s fucking inconvenient, especially when your character runs faster than the horse half the time.

Also, I love still falling below the map in 2022 or the random times Eivor was yeeted into the air with no way to get back until the game decides to desynchronize me. Like very cool. And as I mentioned, every addition of free content just makes the game’s performance worse. Two of the mastery challenges are still bugged for me. It took this long for the River Raids to finally cooperate. It’s going on two years post-launch, and things are still...not good.

There is still a lot wrong with Valhalla, I hear it from friends who play, from subreddits, and there’s still a lot of room for improvements. But I guess we’ll have to wait for that since the focus is on another DLC for now. Valhalla isn’t perfect yet, and who knows, it may take another two years for it to run as smoothly as Odyssey and Origins, but I’m just ready for NG+. Maybe I wouldn’t be as bitter if I had NG+ because I could replay the story after the patches and enjoy it over just getting frustrated when the missions didn’t advance or when it crashed and lost my progress. But alas, we do not have NG+, and at this rate, I don’t expect it any time soon, and I do not have the time or energy to put that many hours into a new game from scratch when most of the time was just spent grinding (but that’s for a reason right? To sell microtransactions? Pay to win though, lol).

So, here’s my suggestion to Ubisoft. Stop focusing on releasing repetitive free events and focus on fixing the damn game that’s part of your flagship franchise, and I don't know, maybe drop NG+ soon so the game can be played and enjoyed the way the developers and writers wanted it to be? Instead, we were sold a ridiculously expensive half-finished product that still isn't up to par with its predecessors over a year later.

#sierra replies #AC: Valhalla #hope you like this essay #honestly the pay to win style is very prevalent in Valhalla #like just look at the armors #the free ones in the game are just reskins of like the same 5 or 6 looks #whereas the store is consistently getting new designs every month #its just very lame that we don't get to have finished games at launch anymore #anonymous #am i bitter? yes #will i continue to be bitter about valhalla #also yes #i love eivor as a character and ivarr #but my god what a shitshow of a game #lets stir this pot again yall #discourse

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stylesann · 3 years

Text

Rebuilding

Steve Rogers x fem!reader

Summary: Steve decides to go back to the 40’s and you hurt.

Warnings: idk? Angst but happy ending

A/N: I have no idea what this is but aaa I feel like it’s bad lol, I just always get in a very angsty and dramatic mood every time that I read a story about Steve leaving so I wanted to do my own twist? Idk, and it’s been yeaaaars since I don’t write anything and also I’m not a native English speaker so I apologise any mistakes. Comments are always welcome 💕 -> written in around 15/04/2021; ->posted 28/05/2021

Masterlist

You stare at the ocean and release all the air you were holding on your lungs. You still felt your body heavy but at least your tears had stoped. You’re fighting hard to keep your thoughts out of your head, to keep your mind calm like the scenario in front of you, an empty beach with the ocean waves rhythmically hitting the shore. The sky had a lot of clouds and it would probably rain soon, but you didn’t mind, it matched you mood.

You could say you were surprised but all you felt was disappointment, sadness and if you were being honest, you felt anger and jealousy. What Peggy had that you didn’t? I mean, you didn’t know the answer and you were sure if you had asked Steve he wouldn’t be able to give you one cause he had spent such a short amount of time with her that he couldn’t be able to actually know all of her. All her flaws, all the quirks. In the past you had thought he didn’t even loved her anymore and was just in love with an image, an illusion he had from his past. But for him to had left you for her you weren’t even sure of that anymore.

You also felt used, replaceable, like you were just kept there cause he couldn’t do better, cause he couldn’t be with her. And now that he could he just tossed you away. You knew Steve wasn’t that kind of guy, but thats how you felt. And no one could tell you how you should feel or deal with it.

So that’s what lead you here. It had all happened hours ago. You saw his old self in that bench and you just felt numb. Bucky tried to hold you, he said that Steve wanted to talk to you but you just left. You had that right didn’t you? You didn’t care about what he had to say, it was all bullshit. You didn’t care about his guilt, or how sorry he was. You didn’t even care to go back to the apartment you shared with him, because you knew if you had gone there you would be stared by a hundred pictures you had with him.

You just wanted to get away. So here you came. You look down to the wedding band on you finger and the engagement ring. You wore both together but it didn’t make sense to have them anymore. You didn’t want any memories from Steve on you so you take them out and feel their light weight on you palm. You knew this was it, it was your way of closure, of ending that part of you life. You take a deep breath and throw them at the sea. There’s no way of seeing them drown but just the thought that you didn’t have them anymore made you lighter.

You turn around, ready to go back to the car that brought you here but you see a familiar figure blocking the way. Bucky.

“How are you feeling, doll?” he says approaching you. You didn’t know how long he was standing there or what he had seen. You wonder if he could see how empty and drained you really were.

“In the moment I’m not feeling anything. I think I’m still mostly numb. But that’s probably for the best, right?” You try to give him a light answer knowing that he lost his best friend too. How could Steve have left him after fighting so long to have him back was beyond you. “Did you know? Did you know what he was gonna do?”

“I did” that was all it took for the tears to start falling from your eyes. Why had Steve told him and not you? You were his wife for gods sake didn’t you deserve at least this? Bucky reaches for you but you push him away.

“Why didn’t h-he tell me? Why did he d-do this?” you hiccup between the words, the tears falling harder than before.

“I think he just didn’t have the guts to. You know he loves you, Y/N-“

“Screw him! If he did, he wouldn’t have done this!” All the feelings you were trying to push down seem to come to surface and tighten their grip on your chest. “I can’t understand why you aren’t angry? Why aren’t you feeling betrayed?”

“He didn’t leave me alone Y/N, he asked us to take care of each other” he has a pleading look on his face while he says that, and you see that the difference between you and him is that he had some time to come to terms with his friends decision, he’s sad but keeping it to himself. He’s trying to be strong for everyone one else who didn’t know, for you mostly.

“I don’t care about what he asked. I’m not staying and I’m not doing what he would want me too. I’m always gonna be there for you Buck, not because he’s wants that but because I care about you. Whatever you need you can call, even if it’s just for a chat, but I’m not staying, i can’t. I am getting into that car and I’m gonna drive away as much as i can, and I’m only stopping when I feel like I’ve put miles between me and this” you say more calm than you were minutes before. You had a plan, it may not be the best one but that’s what you had for now. You didn’t want to be in the same place you lived with Steve, you didn’t want to see the same scenarios you saw with him, you wanted nothing from him. Maybe it was bitter of you, or maybe you didn’t have the best coping mechanism but you needed the distance.

Bucky’s expression seemed to sadden a bit but he understood, he knew this wasn’t easy for you. “I don’t want to change your mind about leaving, so I say the same, if you need anything you call Y/N, got it?” He says as he hugs you firmly.

“Got it” you say in whisper against his shoulder, his arms still around you delaying the last moments he’s gonna have with another friend. You hate to be doing this, he didn’t deserve it you knew it, but you also knew that he wouldn’t be willing to accompany you on your trip, and it was something that you needed to do alone. You were alone.

“You know he wouldn’t have done this if he didn’t know you you be able to rebuild your life, right? You’re a strong person” He uses the same tone of voice you had, he probably just didn’t want to trigger you into making your feelings rise again.

“Everyone has the ability to rebuild themselves, Buck. The fact that I’m strong shouldn’t make what he did alright. And I don’t feel much strong now... I just feel like I’m a shell. And even if I do find someone else, how am I going to let them in? How am I supposed to trust anyone with my heart, when the guy I gave all my heart before completely destroyed me?” A single tear fall from your eye, but you hold the rest back. “I’m going to be fine but I don’t even know what that mean anymore.” He just nods to this, and I know there’s nothing left to be said so I head to the car and take a deep breath holding the wheel. This is it.

I look at Bucky while I drive away, he’s still standing where I left him and I hope with everything on me that he will be fine too. Whatever that means.

****************************

The sun is harsh on your eyes slipping through the curtains open frames. You turn your head to the other side and you feel a heavy weight on your waist stopping you from moving further than that. You slowly open your eyes to see Franks figure with his arm on you and his head drowned on the pillow.

You turn again to look at the clock to see it marking 8:47 am. Mary would be up soon, so you slip from Frank taking extra care not to wake him up and head to the kitchen to make a quick breakfast.

“Y/N! Y/N! Can we have pancakes today?!” Mary breaks into the small kitchen excitedly jumping around. Today you and Frank would be taking her to her new math club and she couldn’t be more anxious about it.

“What is going on here” Franks rough morning voice appears on the room. He’s rubbing his eyes and seems to be sleeping still.

“We are making Mary her favourite pancakes for breakfast” you answer them as you get the ingredients on the counter. Mary hugs you and sits straight on the table waiting for you to prepare them.

It had been 6 years since the day you left New York and ended up traveling for a long time through the country only to end up here. Florida. It was hot all the time, you always felt warm but it was distant enough from your past and you felt better about it. You decided that you wanted to rent a small place near the beach and so you found a woman named Roberta, that rented a few houses that fulfilled your wish. You didn’t think twice before accepting her deal.

You weren’t carrying anything on you except for the few clothes that you had bought on your journey so the move was quite simple. And you weren’t expecting to fit in so well here but the fact that as soon as you were settled a little girl, who was maybe 7 at the time, had come to you with a lot of questions that honestly you couldn’t answer warmed you up to the place real fast.

The fact that Mary had managed to always meet up with you but you still had to meet Frank was beyond you. She talked a lot about him “Frank did this today”, “oh did you know Frank let me adopt another cat”, “the first cat Frank got us was Fred, he has only one eye”, and so on. You knew more about him that you probably would by talking to him in person, according to Mary herself. She said he was very closed but had a great heart, she even told you the story about him fighting in justice for her guard. It only made you think he was a great guy who would do anything to protect his niece, and you were sincerely excited to meet him, give the person a face.

However, as it appears that his schedule was always all over the place and you always waking around town and spending many hours on the beach didn’t help with your meeting. You didn’t understand at first too how Mary always found you around, but she explained that whenever she wasn’t studying and Frank was going out with his girlfriend Boni, she stayed with her friend Roberta, who quickly became a good acquaintance of yours.

Either way, Mary had been talking to you for weeks when you finally met Frank. You couldn’t believe your eyes and genuinely thought you were delusional. He looked just like Steve, but the moment he started speaking you could see the differences between the two and the helped you find your foot again.

In the beginning you were hesitant about spending time with Mary and Frank, who surprised Mary with the news that he had gotten a more stable job. According to him, he still fixed boats but for a company that payed well. You were happy for him but the memories his face brought still made you want distance.

During the four years you traveled around you had let him go, all of him. You had been trough all the grief stages and learnt how to do well with your own company, you didn’t need anyone else. But looking at his face had the effect of hitting you with a sad resigned feeling and you didn’t like it. But Mary always spoke so highly of her uncle that you knew keeping your distance from both because of memories wasn’t fair.

Frank, of course notice that you never iniciantes any conversation with him and he wondered if Mary had introduced the same woman she said was talkative and affectionated. He asked you about it and it wasn’t until you answered with sincerity that he understood. Since then he was more careful in your presence which you appreciated.

With time though, you warmed up to him, he was a good guy you never doubted that. You became close friends and when him and Boni broke up you helped him. It was a mutual break up but it’s never easy.

You friendship was going great until you notice him treating you differently than he would before and you realised he was slowly catching feelings for you. Obviously being romantically involved with him was the last thing you wanted but you couldn’t bring yourself to change the way things were going between you two and that’s what led you to this moment.

In a car, dropping Mary off to her math club, with Frank by your side and the promise that it would be okay. It had to. You took so long to let him in that now you didn’t want to let go, and you doubt Frank wanted anything but stay. Bucky said the same when he came to visit you and Frank. You look at him and you see him smile at you.

“You think he’s gonna be a mini genius?” He asks looking at the small bump on your belly.

“If he gets MY genes, obviously” I sass laughing.

“Ha, you know the genius genes it’s on my side of the family Mrs. Adler” he chuckles.

“On your dreams” you smile. It you be okay.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers #frank adler #frank adler x reader

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