#was caused by an inability to feel responsible for her. because hes never been in that caretaker/surrogate parent role like louis has

[kindaorangey]

sorry to say but the maker-fledgling/parent-child relationship dynamics make DM so much juicier. and i don't mean that in a kinky way in the slightest i mean it's insane to be adamant about never having a child for 500 years, break that vow on a whim and then be a deadbeat dad for a bit. and also on the more lighthearted and sappy side of things it's really interesting for a dying man in his 70s to be given another shot at life, with eternity ahead of him and the power of an ancient in his veins to inherit over the course of that eternity. idk idk! it's just neat.

[crimsonspring]

"What do you think our wedding will be like?" She asks, and Rafayel feels his heart still immediately. He gives it a second, letting the two opposing sides of his heart battle it out.

A part of him feels giddy - she wants to be his bride again. It will happen again, because they are fated mates! All of the worrying was for nothing because look - she wants to get married, bonded to him again! Sure, the "sanctity" of marriage amongst humans on this earth is laughable and ludicrous compared to the solemn oath he literally has embedded on his chest... but he'll take it nonetheless. He'll take anything she has to offer, honestly.

Albeit, the other part of him wants to sulk and throw a tantrum. Because this question is simply yet another reminder of what was left forgotten. The fact that she had already been his bride, but that fact to be so horridly and devastatingly taken away from him. Ripped away from his clutching fingers. Sea of God he may be, but the strength of fate has no competition. What a painful reminder that question is, to be reminded that... Oh yeah you were my bride... until?..

Rafayel doesn't realise that dancing between the two emotions has taken some time. Purple eyes swirling with mixed emotions as his lips pursed to the side in silence. This reaction causes her to shift nervously, afraid that she's made him uncomfortable with the question.

She clears her throat soon after, sitting up after spending hours on the couch with him, slouching against the backrest as his purple hair splays out against her chest. The movement shakes him out of his trance, a brief moment of confusion (and a dramatic look of "how could you!”) plastered on his face as he turns around, sitting up for the first time in 2 hours as well. He faces his blushing partner who is clearly flustered at his lack of response.

"Um.. I mean - I'm not saying we will definitely get married or like whatever, it was just a question! I don't even know if you wanna marry me. again, it was just a question, you don't have to answer it if you-"

He gasps dramatically, brows furrowed deeply as he scoots away from her in bewilderment. "Did you say you don't even know if I want to marry you?" He scoffs, standing up and begins to pace around the room. "Is my devotion - and quite frankly - obvious and constant yearning for you not enough? For you to even question that?"

"Rafayel, I-" "Maybe the hunter's association should put you on bed rest if your brain's not functioning properly. Oh perhaps, it's not the brain, it's your heart and its inability to feel the love I have for you. Is that right, hm?"

"Rafayel," she repeats louder this time, sighing. "That was not what i meant - I just.. You went completely silent on me when I asked the question, so I thought you felt uncomfortable with the topic of marriage." shrugging, the red on her cheeks deepens as a replay of the scene comes to mind. she shrivels into herself, crossing her legs as she begins to play with the loose threads of her sweater. "And I know we’ve never talked about it either, so I shouldn't have just sprung it on you like that."

His face softens immediately, guilt pricking his chest as he watches the vulnerability she was expressing. While she isn't exactly wrong - the topic of marriage does make him uncomfortable. As much as he wants her to be his bride, it’ll undoubtedly open new doors for pain all over again. But as uncomfortable it is, Rafayel knows that she is someone he'd carve his own heart out for (well....).

"You have nothing to apologise for.," He reassures her gently, the tone contrasting the loud rant he performed earlier, and he's back on the couch, crawling onto the space next to her. His fingers are careful, he reminds himself he's holding onto his reason of being, his kryptonite, the atoms of sunlight itself. He feels his stomach flip, and the soft warmth that begins to exude from the side of his chest tells him that if she peeked underneath his shirt, she'd bear witness to the physical embodiment of his sacred vow. "It threw me off guard, yes. But only because i've been keeping it myself for far too long, cutie," he smiles, still ever so gentle as his thumb caresses the smooth of her cheek.

"I’ve known that i have wanted to marry you for years now," and while she'll take that as a mere dramatisation (Rafayel being Rafayel), he means that as literally as it gets. Only he is well versed with the pain, humiliation and fear that comes with the wait and longing, and for a moment, he's almost grateful that she doesn't know. He doesn't want her to be burdened with such hardship-filled emotions, so he'll carry it for the both of them.

"You won't be in white - maybe a light shade of blue. I'll obviously wear the best suit ever to be worn. We'll have a ceremony by the beach," he's speaking straight from the vision he's replayed in his mind countless of times, the smile on his face unconsciously growing as he mindlessly twirls a piece of her hair. "You'll have your hair down, and it'll probably get caught in the sea breeze - but it just makes sense to me."

"and," he pauses for a moment, hesitating before he continues. "We'll say our vows twice. One for everyone to bear witness to, and one just for you and me." A vow so sacred and intimate, Rafayel refuses to share with the world. He refuses to taint it even a little bit, it should simply be meant only for his lover and him, and his pure everlasting love for her.

"Oh," he has rendered her speechless, and now it's Rafayel's turn to be nervous, fearing he has made her uncomfortable. Hiding the embarrassment behind a scoff, he pulls away with a pout. "Y-You were the one who brought it up first!" Immediately, she shakes her head and pulls him back into her chest and Rafayel doesn't fight his body when it relaxes immediately. "I was just a little surprised, Raf - in a good way. Didn't think you would've had all these little details in mind already." Her voice mirrors his previously gentle one, and Rafayel feels his eyes flutter shut, coaxed by her fingers running through his hair.

She hesitates, but braves herself to say it. time and again, once peeling off his layers, she's beared witness to his endless courage so why not walk in his footsteps? "I do hope we get married." Her voice is quieter, but it speaks volumes to him. He feels a lump form in his throat at the emotions that begin to overflow within him. He reaches out to catch onto her hand that's combing through his hair and brings it to his chest in attempts to quell the tears that threaten to form behind his closed lids.

Shakily, his lips whisper against her knuckles, "In my mind, we already are."

In his world, they already were. How lucky is he to get married to her, again and again, and again.

God, he'd do it a million times over.

[dreamingumbrellas]

why tua s1 is a masterpiece and 2-4 give me a migraine

i gotta use my english degree for something so lets talk about it

i’d like to note beforehand, that i’ve only seen about half of season 4. but given everything i’ve heard about it, i’ve decided to avoid watching it for my own mental wellbeing. i really haven’t enjoyed the last three seasons much, mostly i’ve been dredging through because of how much i love season 1. it feels painfully like seasons 1 and seasons 2-4 are for completely different fucking shows–particularly in tone.

i think tua season 1 attracted attention to its unique themes that are lost in the rest of the series. the primary themes are of trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics. it’s a story about seven severely abused siblings learning to cope with their trauma and reconnect as adults. season 1’s tone is somber. it shows us glimpses of the characters’ childhoods, and how it affects them in their adult lives. the characters in season 1 were, most importantly, flawed! they were assholes, because trauma turns people into assholes sometimes! 

you can directly trace back the siblings’ character flaws to the shit reggie put them through. Luther was the golden boy, which put too much responsibility on his shoulders and isolated him from his siblings. As a result, Luther is ultra-loyal to his dead father, in obvious denial of the abuse he endured because he was never able to form an identity for himself outside of reggie and the academy! he is the only one that never moved on. and then reggie turned luther into (for lack of a better term) a giant monkey without his consent, causing him to hate himself and even further alienate himself from the rest of the world. 

diego never left the ‘number 2’ headspace. he fights with luther even into adulthood. despite how much he claims to hate his father, he became a vigilante likely as an effort to finally be good enough for his dad. and lets not forget (unlike the writers) about his stutter–something that formed in childhood and came back as an adult when he was triggered with memories of his childhood. he’s inherently defensive because reginald pit the siblings against one another constantly.

allison is a narcissist–though, when we meet her in season 1, she’s more of a narcissist in recovery. she’s recognized how her childhood affected her and wants to become a better person to make up for the mistakes of her past. what mistakes again? well, she used her powers on her daughter because 1. she was never told no. reggie encouraged the usage of her powers, and the household where she grew up was violent, manipulative, and competitive. she had no sense of real normalcy, so she never learned how to build a happy, healthy family for her daughter. to cope with her trauma, she clung to her fame–this is shown both in adulthood and childhood flashbacks–leading her to become a movie star, and not accept her own faults.

klaus, well, klaus is the most obvious example of trauma. mostly due to reggie forcing his powers on him when he was a young childhood. locking him in a mausoleum for hours on end. he became a drug addict as a result. living on the streets, in and out of rehab, and stealing for money. we see him struggle constantly throughout season 1–through his interactions with ghosts (when its very possible he wouldn’t have developed such a fear of them if it weren’t for reggie), with flashbacks to his childhood and (later) to the vietnam war. his inability to take things seriously and his self-destructive behavior are both coping mechanisms. his siblings don’t trust him because of his lying and kleptomaniac tendencies.

five is a character whose development is utterly abandoned after season 1. he was only thirteen years old when he accidentally travelled in time to the apocalypse, where he remained for 45 years. i remind you of this because the writers won’t. he survived those years for his family! because he felt immeasurable guilt for leaving them! he was so lonely for these years that he developed a romantic attachment to a mannequin (something only referenced for a joke in later seasons). he was in an extremely vulnerable position when he was recruited by the handler (a character who was very creepy in her own right) and he was forced to use his childhood ‘superhero’ skillset to essentially become an assassin, a job he loathed himself for. all so he could have a chance to save his family. five is cocky, sarcastic, and yes, wants to save the world, but we forget that he wanted to save his family first. he was willing to sacrifice the world if it meant saving his siblings. and even once he returns to the present, he experiences ptsd flashbacks to his time in the apocalypse. five is severely traumatized and stuck between childhood and adulthood, has lived for far too long and has done too many terrible things to be a child, but is stuck in a childs body and never got the chance to emotionally mature past the age of 13. this in no way resembles the five we get in later seasons.

in season 1, ben is a tragedy. he is the character that haunts the narrative (literally). his death was the reason the family split up. he experienced an incredibly traumatic childhood, forced to slaughter people against his will. all so that he could die tragically young (we’ll get into his cause of death later). he’s stuck following klaus around for years, unable to interact with anyone else. he watched his brother deteriorate in front of him with no way to help. he’s angry about his death and sometimes takes out his frustrations on klaus. but at the same time, he was ‘the kindest’ of all the siblings. he cares deeply about his family, but can’t do anything about it.

i think it’s easy to forget that the initial focus of the show was viktor. viktor, who was told how unremarkable he was again and again. who was isolated not just from the world but from his own family as well. who was drugged up from an incredibly young age and forced to ignore his emotions. yes, the umbrella academy was abusive. but being isolated from his siblings was just another form of abuse. he grew up to resent his family on a lot of levels, writing his book as a method to vent his frustrations but only ended up in driving his siblings further away. viktor went through a lot of shit in season 1, and resulted in him ending the world. but did his family kill him? no. because that was the point of the entire show. that despite their trauma and how much they might resent one another, the siblings still loved each other more than the rest of the world put together. 

everything ive outlined are the elements that make up season 1, and are almost entirely forgotten about later. but by losing the integrity of the characters, they lost the narrative. the point of the umbrella academy was never saving the world–it was about a broken family reconciling with one another despite everything. these points of trauma are taken seriously. it was the complexity of these characters, at least in my opinion, that attracted attention towards them. and sure, we didn’t love every character all the time. remember how much luther was hated in season 1? but it’s because he was realistic. these characters, and the shit they went through, weren’t a joke. and the season ended off in a way that forshadowed these elements being explored more in depth. remember how it ended?

with the seven siblings holding hands as the world exploded around them. and for only a few seconds, we saw them transform back into their child selves.

now, this plot point (whatever it might have been) was instantly cancelled and forgotten about in season 2. but it really makes you think about the season we could have gotten: the characters being forced back into their childhood, having to confront the root of their trauma and essentially, all their problems. they could look back at what happened to them with a mature perspective and worked through it, realizing that they were not each other’s enemies. they could have made up for lost time, helped eachother heal, and ultimately prevent the apocalpyse by being family. you know, something that would have actually wrapped up the narrative nicely.

so, what happened?

the shows original themes of trauma, and repentance, and family were abandoned in favor of humor and spectacle. it seems like the creators misinterpreted what made the first season so successful. sure, the first season had a lot of funny moments and great fight scenes. but it was the emotional depth and complexity that made the show what it was. but worse than that, it continued to spit in the faces of the characters trauma, downplaying it in almost every way possible.

klaus’ relapses were played for comedy. his fear of ghosts was drastically downplayed with the use of cartoonish ghost-buster ass looking ghosts. five’s ptsd was never acknowledged again; his coping mechanism, dolores, became a joke. luther lost all character complexity entirely, instead becoming a himbo (who we love, but, still). viktor rarely brought up the feelings from his childhood, and nobody acknowledged his tell-all book again.

one of the things that infuriated me the most was the incorporation of reginald in later seasons. lets remind ourselves of some things: he purchased seven children, treated them like objects without names, trained them tirelessly and deprived them of a childhood, traumatized them by turning them into murderers, pitted them against one another, and literally tortured them. and that’s only the things we see him do on screen. you cannot convince me for a second that any of the siblings would ever be able to be the same room as that man without having serious flashbacks. I don’t believe for one second that they’d work with him, trust him, or empathize with him in any capacity (except maybe luther) except they do, consistently. even five, who is easily the smartest member of the academy, and extremely protective of his siblings.

and- LEST WE FUCKING DISREGARD- reginald MURDERED ben.

the moment that happened on screen felt like the last shovel of dirt on tua 1’s grave. supposedly all the siblings REMEMBERED this incident in seasons 1-3. and yet they went to their fathers funeral, spoke to him (relatively) civilly, and teamed up with him after seeing for themselves their father shoot their brother in the back of the head for seemingly no reason. not only did they apparently not hold this against their father, but they never mentioned it once in three seasons.

and yes, i know, there is a very simple reason for this. it was obviously made up at the last moment for plot convenience. but the implications for this being retconned in are damning for the characters. by writing this in, the writers decided that the siblings commitment to one another is meaningless. that the foundations upon which this show was created, are fucking meaningless. they threw away not only the individual complexity of each character, but also their relationship as a family.

[777gojosgf]

YOU’RE THE RISK, I’M GONNA TAKE IT

777GOJOSGF IS TYPING…

777gojosgf: anxious!reader x satoru gojo

IN WHERE :: reader is sick of the situationship and wants something serious.

a/n: thanks for the 100 followers <3 (yes this is inspired by risk - gracie abrams)

"watch this be the wrong thing, classic," you informed shoko on the phone as you paced around your apartment, trying not to get lost in your thoughts. she responded with a gentle chuckle, telling you not to worry so much and that there is probably a reason why your relationship hasn't been fully established yet.

"i’m not sure why you overthink so much, y/n. the guy is clearly attracted you, and i’ve never seen him pay attention to anyone like he does to you. perhaps you should just tell him?” shoko calmed you, but before you could respond, she informed you that she needed to go work on her research project. with a hasty goodbye, you hang up the phone and throw it on your bed.

you have known satoru gojo for years, having become friends when you were both students at jujutsu high. however, as adults, you had succumbed to his foolish attractions. it was no lie that he felt something for you as well, but because you knew his habits and how he was in the past, you didn't believe him. you weren't sure if it was anxiousness or a true inability to believe him. in any case, you desperately required clarification.

but, you just couldn’t get yourself to ask him. not when you could lose the bond you two have right now and maybe it is too soon to make this something official?

god, even now, you wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts racing through your head. it feels wrong not to have him by your side. even though he is. but it doesn't feel like he is. not when you couldn't call him yours and he most likely hadn't considered you his yet.

the notification sound from your phone caused you to stop thinking and avert your sight to it. you walked over to your bed, pulled up your phone, and viewed the notification from the devil himself. you sigh and quickly turn off your phone, collapsing on your bed. was it time to inform him? you did not feel comfortable going out with him without knowing what he thought of you.

fine, you needed encouragement and affirmation, and you weren't ashamed to say so. because, to be fair, all humans do it in some manner, right?

but why was it so hard to tell him that? to ask him how he feels and if he wishes for you to be the only person he talks to, goes out on dates with— god.

these thoughts made you feel like a teenager again, and the thought itself made you laugh. perhaps there wasn't much of a difference between your teens and twenties. yes, you have adult duties now, but you will always feel like a sixteen-year-old.

it didn't take long until your phone rang and your eyes widened. again, you reached for your phone and realised it was he who had called. maybe he was wondering why you didn't respond. you unconsciously picked up the phone and waited for him to speak, but there was no answer on the other end of the line, so you managed to say a brief hello.

"ah, there she is. i guess no one kidnapped you after all?" he asked humorously, and you swore you could almost hear him with a smile on his face. in response, you simply rolled your eyes. "can't go without my reply for five minutes, satoru?" you responded teasingly, understanding how to play his games on himself, but it generally left you defeated.

“what can i say, i missed you.”

he missed you?

if he missed you surely there must be the possibility that he then certainly thought about you the way you did about him, right? or maybe he didn’t mean it like that at all, perhaps he didn’t have anything else to do so—

"was that too much or did they finally come and get you?" he attempted to jest, but the uneasiness of his prior statement was too obvious. you mentally swore at yourself for overthinking. "no. no— it's okay."

“no to it being much or it’s okay that they got you, y/n?”

you let out a quick laugh, “no to it being too much, you idiot. i kind of missed you too.”

“kind of?”

“fine. i missed you. but— there is something that i need to talk to you about before i lose my mind and do something that is so utterly stupid.” you managed to drawl out with much relief that you were able to get it out of your system to at least tell him that there was something going on.

“what’s wrong, y/n?” his voice laced with worry and you could hear him sitting upright, making you shake your head.

“it’s nothing serious— well it sort of is, but not life threatening or anything. i just… can i see you?”

not long after that, you heard a knock on your door. you stood up from your bed, took a quick peek in the mirror to fix your hair, and dashed over to the door. you drew a breath before opening the door to discover a satoru gojo resting against the door frame. one hand casually in his pocket, a smug smirk on his face.

"you came." you exhaled out, but it was more for yourself than for him. to ensure that you obtain answers rather than falling for his charms and being unable to tell him what had been drowning you for the previous week.

“you called.” with that he let himself in and you closed the door behind him and leaned against it. he sneaked a quick glance at your apartment before turning around to face you but not before reaching out for your hand. “alright. talk to me, pretty. what’s going on in that head of yours?”

okay.

fuck.

maybe you weren’t all that prepared to tell him yet.

“hey. look at me.” he whispered and placed his thumb underneath your chin forcing you to look up at him. his eyes met yours and you could see the slight worry still swarm in them. that is what finally made you open your mouth.

“okay. it’s just— i need to know, satoru.”

“know what?”

“what you want. or more, who you want. and if it’s me— or someone else or that it is only me or if you have someone else out there too. i just— i want to know. okay?” you rambled and hated it that it came out the way you said it as you clearly had it planned out all differently in your head. you were embarrassed to meet his glance but he still made you look at him.

his eyebrows raised slightly before a confused look was drawn on his face. “you think that there’s someone else?”

“well. i just feel like i don’t really know what’s going on and that definitely isn’t entirely your fault or anything but— i don’t know okay. i like you, satoru. i really, really like you and i just want to know now whether you like me or not before i fall so hard for you that you will resent—“

you were cut off by him planting his lips on yours. it started out soft and sweet before you kissed him back with more anticipation. he smiled against your lips before letting go of you and taking back a few steps. “you drive me insane, you know?”

“i am unable to put into words how i feel about you, y/n. even hearing you say this pains me because it means that i haven’t showed you enough how much i care for you and about you.” he confessed warily, his hand anxiously going through his hair.

you moved a couple steps closer and leaned into him. "hey— don't blame yourself. i just tend to overthink things and want to be certain." you whispered and cupped his face, similar to when he made you to look at him. you had an adorable grin on your face and kissed him tenderly, to which he replied in kind.

"i really, really like you too." he spoke decisively, almost proudly, and you swear your heart was nearly bursting through your chest.

"so…. does this mean that we…" you trailed off teasingly, a playful expression in your eyes, and he simply grinned in response before nodding and bending down to whisper in your ear.

“you’re mine, y/n.”

[stoneagedevil]

Her Song | Eddie Munson x f!reader

TW/CW: slight mention of sexual activity.

You’d wondered if accepting the responsibility of opening for one of your favorite bands was worth it anymore. A choice that had initially had you choking on butterflies of excitement now left you remorseful and regretful.

Not regretful for who’ve you met and the wonderful opportunities you’ve had along the way, but regretful for who’ve you made angry. It’s not like you were there first anyways.

Chrissy was.

Chrissy Cunningham. America’s newest skinny, tan, blonde model. She had a body sculpted by the Gods, and Eddie’s sultry lyrics in his greatest hit was a constant reminder of that. Despite the fact that they broken up, you’d felt as if she never really left. The riffs to her song were ingrained in the strings of his beloved guitar, “Sweetheart,” and you’d been left wondering if you’d feel better after stealing it and replacing the strings yourself. His vocal cords and soft lips danced in harmony, performing “Midnight Blondie” night after night.

It was a song about their unbridled passion in the bedroom. All of her perfections, her taste, her eyes, her everything.

And you’d have to listen to it. You. Not a model, but a musician. Not perfect, but rough around the edges. No sleek hair, but wild and spiky. Not perfect makeup where it should be, all the sweat and emotion of performing had always left your lipstick smeared, cheeks flushed, and eye makeup running. Not a body fit for modeling, your tattoos would all be in the way. You were her opposite, and of course you were. You didn’t have a song.

But little known to Eddie, he had a million. A lot of the material you performed with your band “H/C and the Banshees” was inspired by your inability to tear your heart shaped eyes away from your rockstar boyfriend. You felt like a pathetic puppy, and your bandmates started to take notice.

“Y/N, why don’t you just talk to him? Tell him that he needs to retire that song. We’re all sick of hearing it y’know.” F/N said. At their voice, you startled, moving your somber eyes to look at your friend.

“Because. I can’t.” It had been something you’d been trying to come to terms with. “I see the comments his fans leave. They miss that good girl and bad boy vibe from Chrissy and Eddie. I came into the picture and now I wish I hadn’t.” A tear rolled down your cheek as your throat closed up and nose burned. “I-I just can’t.” You ferociously wiped your tears away, not one to normally cry. Especially not in front of others.

“Dude, it doesn’t matter what the ‘fans’ think.” They emphasized with finger quotes, “if those cretins actually support him then they’d want him to be with someone who makes him happy, and you know there’s more support than hate out there. You’re a match made in Heaven. Or Hell, whichever you prefer.” They sat beside you backstage, rubbing your back gently. The soothing gesture almost made you cry more.

“I can’t….now……but, maybe I will soon.” Is all you could really say. You couldn’t voice that you weren’t sure if you were the one that truly made him happy. Not like she did.

“You can do it. I’ve never doubted you in my life, and I’m not starting now.” They smiled warmly at you, causing the corners of your lips to pluck up a bit.

“Yeah yeah.” You rolled your eyes playfully, smiling a little wider.

But it still didn’t reach your eyes.

-

The concert was over, and after chilling in the dressing rooms backstage and getting a bite to eat at the best rated restaurant nearby, you’d have to pile into your tour bus and head to the next destination, where within another beautiful theater, you’d have to listen to that damn song you hated with your whole being.

In order to kickstart the rest of the night, you set off for your dressing room, hoping the sooner you got there, the sooner you could eat and leave another “Midnight Blondie” tainted venue. Perhaps it was a mistake to do so, as the minute you shut the door that had your name plastered on it, you broke down once more.

It’s not like you were jealous. No, jealously would imply that you had competition, and you felt you stood no chance against a literal supermodel. You kicked over your chair and plummeted onto the velvet couch sat against the wall.

The door suddenly bursted open with a palpable excitable energy.

“Hey sweets! Holy shit. It was crazy out there. Did you hear them cheering? They were louder than the last….crowd……sweets?” All at once, Eddie’s boisterous nature had left like a spirit leaving the dead. “Honey, what’s wrong?” His eyebrows morphed into that of concern, and he rushed to the couch, to you. Wrapping his arm around you, trying to comfort you, but it truly only made it feel worse.

“Yeah Eddie. I heard.” You said shortly, your voice dripping with sadness as your face dripped with tears. “You did great.” You tried to walk back the initial anger you felt. It wasn’t his fault.

“Sweetheart, tell me what’s the matter. Did you get heckled or something?” He craned his neck to meet your eyes with his. You’d began to wonder if he had some sort of superpower held within those chocolate eyes. Every gaze of concern was like a truth serum shot, and you’d give in every time.

Well almost.

“Nothing. I’m fine. I’m just, like, homesick or whatever.” That was obviously a lie. You didn’t really have a home. He looked at you with that, ‘really?’ expression. Yes. Really.

“Look, I know I’m not exactly a genius, but I think I can tell when my girlfriend is lying.” He smiled softly in an attempt to make you smile back.

Suddenly, you exploded. “Eddie. I hate that song you always sing.” Instantly, you felt rotten.

He was obviously taken aback at this. What song? Which of them didn’t you like? His fans loved a lot of them, and while he had a flop every now and then, what artist didn’t?

“Think about it.” You encouraged snidely, seeing the thoughts fizzle out.

And then the gears in his head started turning. The pieces to the puzzle started falling into place.

Ever since you guys got together and started touring, your music would get progressively more angry. Of course it always had an edge, your voice was one of the first things he fell in love with, but lately it was just different. He assumed you were just trying out a new sound, but you strained your voice as if your heart was strained just the same. You’d be happy up until the crowd’s cries for encores. And when he gave into the crowd, he’d notice that post-performance euphoria dissipate.

It was Chrissy’s song. And holy shit. He was a fucking idiot.

“I-I’m sorry! Shit. I fucked up.” He panicked, more to himself, “I fucked up bad. Y/N I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” How could he be so stupid? His current girlfriend’s band opened for his, and then she’d have to sit through his whole concert until he sang a song dedicated to his ex. More so his ex’s body. He felt slimey.

“It’s okay, I just-“

“No! It’s not! Y/N you mean so much to me. I’ve never met anyone like you before. To be honest, I’ve written like a shit ton of songs about you. About everything about you. But I never play them because I’m afraid you won’t like them. They need to be perfect because you’re so fucking perfect.” He looked absolutely desperate now.

“But I’m not her.” You looked so deeply into his eyes when you said those words, his heart felt like thin ice you were carefully walking across. He’d let you down.

“And I never want you to be. I’m with you now, and I’m with you for a reason.”

Your heart stopped for a second, you’re sure of that. “Do you really mean that? I just feel like everyone wishes you were still with her.”

“Are you kidding?! Fuck them. I don’t care what anyone thinks. Never have, never will. Well, except you.” He added, smiling, and you laughed in response. He held you tighter. “Y/N, I’m never playing that song again. It doesn’t mean anything to me. You’re worth more to me than cheers from a crowd. I’d rather hear the whole world go silent.”

Jesus. You were a sucker for Eddie Munson. And how could you not be when he said shit like that?

“You’re a dork. I love you.” You rolled your eyes, sniffling slightly. What else could you say? You were speechless. More of a singer than a talker.

“And I love you more. So guess what? I’m going to write the best fucking love song ever dedicated to you. It’ll make everyone have heart attacks with how romantic it is.” He held your shoulders in his hands, pushing you away from him in order to make eye contact, assuring that his word is truth.

And it was.

[gnomey22]

Mother!Erica AU

Also known as, an alternate universe concept for Failtopia where Chat latches onto Erica as their parental figure, instead of Failboat.

First, let's establish how this would happen. My personal headcanon, for why Chat sees Failboat as their father in canon, is that the Darkest Lord's explosion in the Otherworld is what brought them into existence, and they deem Failboat as responsible for that (They can never know it was actually Smuk who dealt the final blow).

So, in this universe, it isn't Failboat who takes the credit for landing the final hit on the Darkest Lord and causing the explosion, it's Erica. Let's say this happens because Failboat gets too nervous to lie to the media, and Erica does it for him. Little does she know, a thousand-faced space creature will discover the report where she claimed this, and take that to mean she's their mother.

They attempt to hunt her down after finding this out, just like they do with Failboat in canon, but they're even less successful, because Erica's constantly on the move with her parties, and just like in canon, she and Failboat join The Incident with no Chat in sight. Chat pulls the same stunt they do in canon, joining the team themselves, but it's still after their parent's been kidnapped.

Up until the ROTF squad is kidnapped, the only change in this AU is that Bill does not take up the Cat class, he takes up the Cleric class, as another of my headcanons is that he was only a Cat by Chat's suggestion, akin to Failboat, but here, it's akin to Erica.

When they are kidnapped, and Chat finally meets their parent in the dungeon, Erica is not responsive to it at all. She's spent so long being a caretaking support class, the absolute last thing she wants is a child to have to take care of, let alone someone as danger-happy as Chat. They annoy her, yes, but she'd also never forgive herself if she let them get hurt under her parenting. She's already scarred enough from the carnage of her past parties.

However, she does feel sympathy for Chat's current caretaker, Bo. As much as she tries to stay hands-off with her "parenting", for the moment, she does spend a decent amount of time helping the woman take care of Chat, simply due to how generally uncontrollable they are. She's nice, Bo. One of the more patient and understanding people in this party. Someone she might be able to trust.

Then, they get out of the dungeon, and after their faces are saved, Bo asks her out to the garden. It's not a date, she's been going on Outings with the kids all day, it's purely a platonic bonding activity, but then she admits her secret, at the garden. Erica has an overwhelmingly positive reaction to it, and since they've already built up a friendship, that's the push Bo needs to actually ask her out. Erica hesitates, and the worried thought that this makes her way more of a parent to Chat now crosses her mind, but she accepts anyways.

So, she's spending a lot more time around Chat now, and as much as she won't admit it to their face, she grows some amount of affection for them. She doesn't go out of her way to spend time with them like Failboat does, but she does end up supervising them much more often, and she eventually realises that, underneath the cannonfire and inability to function like a person, they have a good heart.

Specifically, I think she'd come around on them a lot more when she inevitably catches The Illness, and Chat inevitably tries to cure her with mayonnaise to the forehead, which still miraculously works. There's nothing Erica appreciates more, at this stage in her life, than someone who's willing to step up and the support the party in her place, and unexpectedly, Chat does fulfil that role for her.

Eventually, all of this culminates in a different formation for the A-Team in the final battle against the Darkest Lord - Failboat pushes for Chat to take his place, as he thinks Erica and Chat deserve to fight together, and they're both capable enough for that plan to work. Erica, upon questioning, will always say she agreed because it meant Failboat led the remainder of the party instead of her, but the truth is rather obvious, that she wanted to spend this time with Chat. Battling is one of the only ways she shows affection, after all.

[thekatebridgerton]

Speaking of Absolute favorite tropes, here's another one that I can't get enough of: the fight and flight trope

the male lead says or does something irrecoverably bad, so hurtful and inexcusable that the female lead decides then and there that she's got no choice: she has to leave him. ( I blame Jane Eyre and Maria Von trapp for my fixation with this trope) because not only does she leave him, no, she leaves in secret, ostensibly to spare herself the pain of a goodbye. But we all know it's because she would either kill him or fall into his arms if she faced him... And so the female lead dissapears.

Our male lead then comes to his senses, ready to make amends, but she's gone, and for maximum amount of trauma, he can't find her anywhere. The ensuring prideful groveling and pathetically apologetic humblling of the male lead is and will always the part I love the most about this trope! And I will gleefully encourage anyone who writes it.

So here we go with the aus:

Polin

Realizing that she's been compromised in the carriage and not really wanting to ruin Colin's life with Lady Whistledown's reputation after all the hurtful things he said about her life work. Penelope refuses Colin's proposal Infront of her family and on the same day she leaves for the countryside without telling anyone. He's too dangerous for her piece of mind and she would rather be alone than married to him just to protect herself from the ton's retaliation on LW. Colin naturally goes absolutely feral looking for Penelope, HIS WIFE (Colin she rejected the proposal), the woman who has never left Mayfair where he could get her, his Penelope! How dare she leave him, when he does find her, he refuses to leave her alone even in the bathroom and rests at nothing to have Penelope inlove with him again! He will convince her he's marrying her for love! (Colin is a closet Jekyll and Hyde just waiting for Penelope to give him a reason to let out the unhinged psychopath he's got inside and you can't convince me otherwise) charming Colin my grass

Kanthony

Instead of watching Anthony wed Edwina, after their last fight, Kate decides to make good on her promise and return to India, devastated by Anthony's inability to take responsibility for the hurt he's caused her. Finding out that Kate has dissapeared, a furious Edwina blames Anthony for the destruction of her relationship with her sister and cancels the wedding. This is how Anthony finds out that Kate has decided to return to the Maharaj court without telling him. And he absolutely drops everything and heads to India to confess his love and bring her back . ( He grovels and he grovels a lot)

Benophie

She definitely should have left him after they slept together and she did in aofag. Because Benedict never proposed an arrangement that would leave her feeling like she didn't just sell her dignity for love. But instead of getting caught by anyone, Sophie manages to escape to a seaside town where nobody knows her. She realizes she's pregnant with Charlie and fearing that Benedict could use the child as an excuse to set her up as his mistress, and refusing to give her baby the life she led as a nobleman by blows. Sophie decides to not return to Benedict and simply pretend to be a widow and raise her son alone. Some years later traveler Colin stumbles upon a widowed seamstress who looks eerily like the missing maid his grieving brother can't stop painting. The seamstress has a child that's the spitting image of Gregory as a babe and soon, Benedict is knocking on Sophie's door and refusing to leave untill she agrees to listen to his apologetic soul ( I'm pretty sure he'd cry if she didn't listen to his apology and give him a second chance, he looks like a crybaby)

Honorable mention: Philoise

In tspwl She left him for an entire afternoon after a bad fight, she wasn't even far, she was literally in the estate next door, with her brother but Phillip was ready to pretty much die if he didn't find her at Benedict's. He was a mess of a person as soon as the thought of Eloise leaving him appeared in his head. If Eloise left him Phillip would apologize to her so much he'd turn into a ghost of a man and fall into a spiral of anxiety and depression until she took him back.

Anyway that the tea

[plaidpyjamas]

fuck it, Avengers Dead Dove Do Not Eat fic idea/outline

This is mainly an AU for my Avengers OC Desmond - he grew up in a lab and has a regenerative mutation because of it. In his main story/universe, Tony and Pepper unofficially adopt him and his life is able to finally turn around. The set up is the same here, except that Tony Stark is a Monster with Too Much Power I can try and write it as an "x reader" fic if people want, but portions of it do hinge on Desmond and his own origin story, plus I'd need a beta reader to go through and swap pronouns over. Anyway here's some quick thoughts on the fic, laying down a little bit of groundwork as far as Desmond's situation goes. I can't guarantee I'll actually write it though hhhhh TW: NON-CON (the focus is Desmond's sexual assault at the hands of Tony & Bruce), transphobia, and probably a whole load of other stuff if I do write it

DARKFIC – Tony x Desmond x Bruce Non-con, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

Desmond is taken in by Tony around the same time [somewhere around Avengers2012?]

Because of all the tech and money Tony has provided SHIELD he’s gained too much freedom and power – no one is really able to stop him from doing what he wants, because he could rip away nearly all of SHIELD’s resources at this point

What Tony wants, in “adopting” Desmond, is a plaything (he also brings Bruce into it- he's in this weird limbo where he still joins Tony in assaulting Desmond, but he apologizes nearly the entire time, which makes Desmond feel worse)

 Fury feels partly responsible for what Tony (and by extension Bruce) is doing to Desmond – he’s unable to do anything and the guilt eats at him - Fury's constant apologizing and trying to “make it up to him” just makes Desmond feel worse (are you noticing a trend)

Pepper is also trapped – first in her job and now in her marriage w/ Tony – she and Desmond, while living together and going through the same things, aren’t able to do anything to help each other, aside from sympathetic glances now and then (Tony doesn’t allow them together unsupervised maybe?)

Pepper tries to comfort Desmond when she can - by making him food or other small things. She genuinely cares about Desmond, but is really doing these small things for him so she doesn't have to think about her own suffering

Tony won't let Desmond get any of the gender affirming surgeries he wants - claims it's simply not possible with his healing abilities and won't let him talk about it past that - Tony really just wants more control over him (potential forced pregnancy?)

Tony does not allow Desmond to see Loki at all, so sadly that relationship never has a chance

Luckily though he does still meet Bucky - they keep their friendship a secret and Bucky really wants to do something about Desmond's situation but he can't without risking Desmond losing his one single solitary genuinely safe place (Bucky's room) so he's stuck just trying to comfort Desmond and be there to put him back together whenever he needs

Steve either does not notice all of this or he is in denial, so Desmond can't go to him (there has been at least one incident where Desmond felt safe enough to vent a bit to Steve - Tony knew everything by dinner that night, rip)

Steve's unwillingness or inability to see how awful Tony is towards Desmond and Pepper causes a rift between him and Bucky

Potential happy/bittersweet ending - Bucky somehow manages to help Desmond escape and they flee to.....idk somewhere. Maybe they're just on the run from then on. Maybe they go to Wakanda? Maybe Shuri and T'challa take them in and hide them?

I really want to try and find a way to work Loki into this, since he's such an important character in Desmond's canon universe, but idk how I'd go about doing that - unless!!!!! Thor finally catches wind of what's happening and offers to take Desmond to Asgard (Bucky too cause he's not leaving this poor guy all by himself). I guess that could still happen, but it could be like a failed escape attempt? And after that, Loki gets involved in trying to help Desmond or something? I'm hesitant to give Desmond more people who want to help - I feel like that makes it less dark? And if I write this thing I'm going whole-hog like it's gonna make me sick to write it I bet lmao someone help me

idk I haven't really thought about a coherent plot line, just this absolute nightmare scenario lmao

anyway if this sounds like something you'd wanna read please tell me!!! I have so many ideas for this but I don't wanna write and post it if nobody wants it, yknow?

[cross-my-heartt]

Rewriting Ahsoka episodes 1-3

(Or: if Sabine wasn’t force sensitive and how I think that could have benefited the show)

I don’t think it’s a secret but I’ve been rather disappointed with the writing choices in Ahsoka so far and I wanted to try and write my own take on how the show might have gone without changing any of the major plot points.

This is mainly with the aim of expanding on the main characters' arcs and giving them slightly different motivations. Take this as an exercise in writing or simply a character study. Because if nothing else, Ahsoka gives us some interesting premises in regards to Sabine and, well, Ahsoka.

So without further ado, let’s get into this.

For starters in this rewrite, Sabine isn’t force sensitive and the whole idea that anyone can use the force is scrapped (more on why I don’t like that in another post because I don’t want this getting too long). We use the same theme of working hard and not giving up as the show does but we change Sabine’s motivations entirely. What do I mean by that:

In this scenario Sabine isn’t discouraged by her poor ability to use the force but rather by her complete inability to do so. Something that makes more sense given her backstory and ties her motivations more closely to the Ghost crew.

We now have a Sabine who is still suffering Ezra and Kanan’s loss and partly blames herself for not being able to help them. Who feels inadequate because in the time since, she’s come to the conclusion that it was her inability to use and understand the force that prevented her from being by their side.

Kanan was blinded and they nearly lost Ahsoka on Malachor and she couldn’t do anything. And it wasn’t even the first time their two force users pranced off to do Jedi business. Kanan died using the force to protect all of them and Ezra disappeared when he went off to deal with Thrawn by himself. Both instances where she must have felt helpless.

(What if there’d been another force user there to help Kanan contain the explosion? Would it have made a difference? What if Ezra didn’t feel responsible for acting on his own because he was the only force user left in their group?)

It eats her up from the inside but she pushes it down and moves on. But then it all comes back to haunt her when Ahsoka approaches her to ask her to be her backup on the various missions she does for the New Republic after the war. And Sabine agrees but the more missions they go on, the more she feels like she just can’t keep up.

She grows more and more frustrated because it feels like Ahsoka is stronger and faster than her, her lightsabers more efficient, her intuition more accurate, her skills more diverse and Sabine just… keeps falling behind. Eventually she starts botching things just because she gets into her head (and if there’s one thing we know from Rebels, it’s that Sabine is very good at getting into her own head, her training to use the dark saber being the best example.)

Never mind that Ahsoka is older and more experienced than her, in her eyes she’s decided that it’s because she doesn’t have the force. She’ll never be force sensitive and that’s why she’ll always be one step behind. It’s Kanan and Ezra all over again.

Eventually she gives up and leaves despite Ahsoka trying to convince her otherwise. She tells Ahsoka to find a real partner, someone force sensitive. Sabine doesn’t want another repeat of what happened to her family. She doesn’t want to feel useless again, standing helplessly on the side.

In time she even gives up on maintaining her other skills because what’s the point? For all the skills she had mastered (weapons, close combat, even her tech savviness), it had all been in vain in the end so what’s the point.

Ahsoka is understandably disappointed – because she knows Sabine is wrong and Ahsoka’s never been one to take things lying down like that. Ahsoka in the Clone Wars was a spitfire, energetic, someone who can’t tolerate sitting idly.

These differences cause a rift between her and Sabine – maybe even an actual falling out or an argument – and that later leads to the tension we feel between them.

All of these things don’t have to happen in the show either, they can be implied through dialogue. We can have a talk between Hera and Sabine in the hospital where Sabine admits to the guilt she feels about Kanan and Ezra. Maybe Hera has known Sabine has been keeping something bottled up for a while but Sabine has never opened up about it and only does it now when she’s hurt and at her lowest.

Heck, maybe Jacen comes to visit her with his mom and it’s the sight of him and the fact that he reminds Sabine so much of both Kanan and Ezra that makes her finally break down.

(There’s just so much you can do with these characters and the convoluted past hey have. It’s an actual crime that we’ve had Sabine bond more with Ahsoka in this show than she does with Hera. But anyway I’m getting ahead of myself.)

The show opens with the ceremony only this time Sabine is attending. Something that’s more in line with her character because this is an event honoring the people who fell in the war and we know this is no small deal to her. She walks out to the sound of the crowd’s cheering and applause but suddenly freezes.

When she turns to leave and the mayor stops her to ask what’s wrong she tells him she doesn’t deserve this because in her mind she doesn’t – she’s not the hero who died to save everyone. That’s Ezra and Kanan and they’re not here.

A classic case of survivor’s guilt but one that I think can be used very effectively. This is the first time we see Sabine in the show and by all means we agree that she does deserve to be proud of herself and that seems to be the case until she has her little ptsd moment and he audience realizes that something’s wrong.

Then we move on to Ahsoka who’s retrieved her map and is discussing it with Hera. They’re talking about the best way to go about deciphering it and Hera suggests that Ahsoka could try and ask Sabine for help. Maybe she’s not the most logical choice (it stands to reason that there are people out there more qualified than her) but Hera knows Sabine is struggling and hopes that this might make her recover some of her self-esteem and she tells Ahsoka as much. She’s also hoping that she can bring these two together so that they might finally work out their differences.

This to me is a nice way of underlining Hera’s role as the voice of reason in the crew, to remind the audience, or communicate to them if they haven’t seen Rebels, that it’s her emotional intelligence that often keeps the family together (because the Spectres have always been stronger together).

Ahsoka reluctantly agrees to do it.

I’m not a fan of the way they handled the stealing of the map in the show so we’re changing that here. Rather than just slipping away, Sabine is disturbed by Ahsoka’s reappearance and tensions run high until another argument breaks out. This is how we get Sabine alone with the map.

Shortly after her worst nightmare comes true when Shin, a force user, confronts her. Sabine panics and botches the fight because she’s decided she’s lost it before it’s even begun. Ahsoka senses that something is wrong and interrupts the fight but by that time Sabine is wounded (a lighter wound this time because that would have definitely killed her) and she has to protect her while trying to get the map back. In the end Shin gets away and Sabine is taken to the hospital.

When she wakes up, she hits a new low. She’s once again become a burden for a force user. Instead of helping, she actually held Ahsoka back and this reaffirms her belief that Ahsoka should just let her be and find a proper padawan to be her partner.

This is where her and Hera could have their heart to heart. Then Ahsoka marches in with the droid head and tells her to hack it. Sabine starts to protest but Ahsoka’s had enough and puts her foot down – Sabine can either keep moping around and stew in self-pity or she could pull herself together and start helping Ahsoka fix this mess and stop Thrawn’s return. Sabine reluctantly agrees but says that she’s only doing this for Ezra.

On their way, Ahsoka starts training Sabine. Unlike in the show though she’s not training her how to be Force user but rather how to fight a force user (a literal representation of Sabine facing her fears and insecurities head on.)

This plot could also give some more substance to Sabine’s annoyance with Huyang’s tendency to parrot Jedi aphorisms and protocols, a reminder of her current struggles with all things force related.

And I’m going to stop here because what follows are mostly action scenes and while I have gripes with those, I want to focus on the characters and I’m not the best expert on space battles and lightsaber fights.

But in essence, what I would have liked to see for Sabine is a character arc ala Sokka from Avatar style. In Sokka’s case he was the single non-bender in a group of benders. This caused him to feel redundant and useless but instead of magically giving him bending, the show sent him on a journey to find his own strengths and develop his skills until he was able to keep up with his team and become invaluable to them. The same ‘work hard and don’t give up despite not having superpowers’ that I would have liked for Sabine.

The show could still do something similar with her by letting her realize she doesn’t need the force or have her use it in her own unorthodox way but it still could have given us that same arc without tampering with canon and introducing a slew of meta problems in the process.

In addition, I think this could also give Ahsoka a better character arc: as far as we know she’s never had a padawan until now. And though Sabine isn’t Force sensitive in this version, Ahsoka could suddenly find herself in the same position as a jedi master: as someone who needs to guide and teach. Only it’s even harder for her because Sabine isn’t a padawan, she can’t use the same methods that were used with her, she can’t teach Sabine to meditate or look to the force for answers and balance. No, she has to figure this out without the help of the force.

In the progress she could also turn to Hera for little pointers and advice because while Ahsoka may be the jedi here, Hera has much more experience doing this. Being a leader, a mentor, a mother. These new arcs could serve to highlight each of the characters’ strengths: Hera’s emotional intelligence and leadership, Ahsoka’s passion, drive and determination and Sabine’s perfectionism and capacity to care for those she loves.

In the case of Ahsoka and Sabine, their strengths are also tied to their shortcomings: Ahsoka is still headstrong and fiery (rather than the stoic wise version this show keeps on pushing) which gets in the way of her relationship with Sabine and Sabine’s tendency to overthink and expect so much of herself ultimately ends up sabotaging her.

And that’s a decent jumping off point for some good character development down the line.

[scramble-crossing]

17 and 19

17. Character you think had the best arc

Sort of Rindo, sort of Shoka

Shoka's arc is probably the best-written in the game. She's given the most backstory out of all of the new characters, and with the main antagonists of the game being her own once happy, now crumbling family, the whole narrative is perfectly suited to fleshing out her individual storyline. There's a lot of room to develop her and the writers definitely made the most of it. It's just not my personal favourite. Shoka's a good character and all, but she didn't really click for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think Rindo's arc is pretty decisive in the fanbase? Some people think it was done well, others think it pales in comparison to Neku's. Personally I think that subtlety in a character's arc is a good thing (I say subtlety lightly, Rindo's deal becomes pretty obvious if you're paying attention in the right places) but it's not really in the twewy spirit. Neku set a standard of heavily flawed protagonists with very clear deficits of character to the point of starting off as flat-out unlikable, and while early Rindo does teeter towards this, it feels like the writers didn't commit to it entierly. Or didn't want to. Or couldn't.

One of Rindo's biggest problems is that the medium he's in can be counterintuitive to what his arc is trying to achieve. Rindo is supposed to be a weak-willed, indecisive train wreck who constantly hoists responsibility onto others so that he can avoid the consequences of having made the wrong decision. And while this does come across, it's hampered by the fact that as the player character, you are constantly taking control of and making decisions for him. He starts to feel less like the kind of person who's incapable of making a choice, and more like someone who can and will when it really comes down to it.

I dont think his arc is bad or especially unclear. I think it can be easy to forget what his deal is supposed to be when from the player's perspective, he's been in control this whole time, even when the narrative is trying its best to tell you that this isn't the case. You've gotta look just a teensy tiny bit closer into what he's thinking and saying over what you're leading him to do.

It also doesn't help that the most obvious instances of him being indecisive or having lingering doubts are entierly reasonable. For example, it is a huge decision whether or not to trust a rival team leader who's survival depends on your demise. Really, it starts to feel more like Rindo is being understandably cautious and Fret is the one at fault for pushing him to make a quick decision based at least in part on his crush. He's not at all impartial, and Rindo doesn't push it down to the wire enough for it to be a major issue.

Also!!! The absolute biggest issue I take with Rindo's arc is that he never abuses his Replay in a way that would've made sense for an arc centered around avoiding responsibility. He's pretty much always forced to use it during situations that are out of his control because they could've only been avoided with information that he didn't have at the time. So much of the Soul Pulvis generated isn't Rindo's fault at all. It's Nagi's for exploding him with her mind or Minamimoto's for withholding his help (twice!) with the express purpose of triggering a Replay, or its because he and the others were held up by completely unforeseeable circumstances caused by Noise or other Players. Had Rindo been forced to use Replay for situations he undeniably caused because of his inability to make a decision, or even better, if he'd started to make decisions apathetically knowing that he can just go back and fix it if it didn't work out, I think his arc could've absolutely shone and even rivaled Neku's, as iconic as it was.

This has become a whole essay now and I'm sorry. The TLDR is that Rindo's arc is good, but it definitely has its faults. Some are on the part of the writers, but some are unavoidable based on the fact that he's the player character and is going to be subject to some projection that might make him appear to be more of a leader than he was in the early days of the game. It could've been better, but it's definitely not as bad as some people make it out to be.

19. Overall, do you prefer the first game's cast or Neo's?

In retrospect the second game is filled with so many recurring characters that this is a hard question to answer. Plus there was pretty even focus on the Reapers vs the Players whereas the first game was pretty solidly concerned with the core Hachiko Gang, and every other character was designed with the intent of contrasting with them in some regard (Konishi and Beat's whole mind vs the heart deal for example). It's kind of an unfair comparison since both games set out to accomplish different and not necessarily better or worse things with their casts, but in general I've got a bigger soft spot for twew1's cast over neo's. I like the Shibuya Reapers a lot. I'm literally writing a whole collection of drabbles about them being friends. It's some kind of brainworm idk

[boldlyvoid]

ooo can you elaborate more on the Jeid drama? i’m invested😅😅

okay i have to preface this with i am not a jeid shipper i don't think they'd be good together i just love drama. like greys anatomy level drama where everyone has dated each other and it's wild, okay? good, glad we got that covered... anyway i think that Spencer is Henry's real father.

so in season 1 you see spencer has a crush on JJ (i think he had one on elle to i mean who wouldn't? and he's such a little nerd he's just desperate for some lovin') and everyone knew too, that's why Gideon gets him two tickets to see JJ's favourite team play baseball so the two of them can bond... but then JJ brought Penelope along and it became a friends thing.

in the beginning of the series, JJ is one of those tomboy girls who picks on the boys she likes. you see it in S2E14 The Big Game when she's playing darts with those boys and she beats them both and ruffles their hair before going out to answer the phone. that's her way of flirting. so every time she's "mean" or "rude" to spencer (not letting him speak, calling out his inability to stop talking when the convo gets "boring" etc.) that is her trying to be cute and funny with him but he never picked up on it. he didn't understand that her basically bullying him was her way of flirting.

in the next episode, when reid has been taken by tobias, she is distraught. she feels as though failed him as a teammate and it was her responsibility to watch out for him. it's also the first time she realizes just how much she loves him. be it as a friend and teammate or something more. she even tries to get derek to yell at her to validate her feelings but everyone knows it's just a bit of bad luck and could've happened to anyone.

when they find reid, she rushes to hug him and she follows hotch towards reid, watches as hotch lifts him from the floor and she holsters her weapon. she clasps her hands together tightly and waits to know if he's okay. Hotch hugs him first and then she's quick to wrap herself around him and hold him close and she apologizes to him. but then she retreats, it's too much for her, so she walks away and leaves him with derek and gideon until he asks to be left alone (to steal the drugs)

spencer struggles a lot for the remainder of season 2, he's addicted to drugs, he's trying to prove that he's strong and confident and he doesn't want to be babied anymore. he flips on derek, emily and butts heads with Hotch but never JJ. in this time she meets Will and observes spencer ditching the team to go be with an old friend, he's not good at following orders at the moment. While JJ on the other hand is at a bar with Will, wanting to follow the rules to a T and when he asks if she hasn't had much practice flirting or dealing with being jealous, she replies "its a culture thing" and by the end of the episode she gives him her number. -- i think this is because she's tried her way of flirting with reid for 2 years now and it's gone no where, so she's moving on.

she gives Spencer his space until the last episode of season 2 when they've partnered up again and JJ makes sure to look at him and say "woah, hey. no matter what happens this time, we don't split up. clear?" and he responds, "crystal clear." she doesn't want to ever lose him. no matter whats going on in her personal life, she loves him. she couldn't handle losing him.

Season 3 episode 1: Doubt. JJ and Reid are sent to talk to the girls at the dorm about the serial killer on campus that is killing girls with brown hair. the girls trust them and when JJ tells them they have a suspect in custody, they think that means the killer has been caught and that they're free to go about their days as normal. when another victim dies, one of the girls on campus takes her anger out on JJ and spits in her face causing spencer to come running to her side and tell the cops to clear the area because he's concerned for JJs safety, he makes sure she's okay, she waves him off but it's still impressive how he went into protector mode so fast for her.

in episode 2 Gideon quits the FBI and in episode 3 spencer is distraught but keeping it together, i believe this is when he officially gets sober, joins AA and starts to live the life Gideon wants for him. he's back to his normal self, sharing facts and putting pieces together without any mental fog. he wears short sleeves again(S3E4), which is a big piece of proof because his injection marks must have faded enough for him to feel comfortable. he's getting his confidence back, he's trying to return to the way he was the night before he got kidnapped. happy, free, confident and himself.

in season 3 JJ is also secretly seeing Will, although everyone has already guessed it. they fly back and forth to see each other but it's hard on them both, they almost break up over it. Will wants them to be in 1 place together and JJ isn't willing to give up her career for a man (rightfully so) in episode 5 Seven Seconds, she's asked if she has kids and her response is "not yet." so she's thinking about kids, she knows she wants them and soon.

as of 3.16 spencer is 10 months sober, he's doing really good even with the cravings. in this episode we see him leave his NA meeting because they've been called to a case and when spencer arrives late Dave jokingly says "i hope she was worth it?" Derek throws in "i hope it was a she" and JJ says quiet, but as soon as she starts to explain the case further she keeps staring at spencer. he has a hard time for most of the episode and she's the only one who doesn't say anything about it.

3.17 we have Will joining them for a case and JJ still hasn't told the team about them dating which is a point of contention for them. he feels like she's ashamed to be dating him and she's claiming that once the team knows her personal business then she has nothing that's just hers to know. they basically break up for a good portion of the episode. the theme of the episode is cheating. Wills buddy is gay and cheating on his fiance, and most the other men were also cheating on their wives.

When Will brings up the fact she's basically got "one foot out of the relationship" he says "what is there another guy? do you want to see another guy?" and she gets the most defensive you have ever seen her. then he finally asks "do you wanna break up?" and she says yes.

I think either she was fucking spencer on the side. or she fucked him once she was single. one of the two.

and based on how pregnant she is at the end of the season (when Hoch finds out) it would seem like this is the episode in which she gets pregnant. (AJ is clearly very pregnant on day 2 of the case in that purple drapey top)

but, at the end of the episode after everything is said and done, she goes back to Will because he's a sure thing. he's the safe option. no matter how scared she is to love who she really wants to, Will is the best option for her. and she probably thinks he might be the father of her baby. it's the right thing to do.

And then there Spencer’s reaction when he finds out she’s pregnant…

flashforward to when shes giving birth to Henry, spencer's in the middle of a case thinking his own father is a pedophile and a murderer and even though JJ is in active labour, she doesn't want to stop helping him. the whole episode is basically centred around what would a parent do for their own child... and it ends with spencer being made Henry's God Father. cause if he can't be her kids dad, she still wants him to be around if god forbid anything happened to her r Will.

like i'm sorry but this kid is a Reid.

I'm just saying that it would be a wicked plot for Henry to do that blood test thing in science calls and find out his blood type doesn't make sense with who his parents are, but it does work if you match his mom and spencers....

[r4ngr]

so while i have lots of thoughts on the adf promo video and will be addressing said thoughts in various posts across several of my blogs, i thought it would be prudent to address this particular image:

since it has a direct impact on my brain chemistry in the SPECIFIC section of jay writing. contrary to popular belief, i love jay and i do think his story is really interesting and complicated. but despite all his screentime in book two, i really don't think it had enough time to breathe. not enough elements of jay's story were able to be appropriately expressed because, although compelling in its own way, a lot of jay's time is moreso allotted to random encounters and then subsequently his romance with vanessa. and i do like vanessa's inclusion in the story. she highlights a really clear difference between the holts and literally everyone else. i don't think it's a mistake that she and jay have similar situations ( an older male figure that means well but whose behaviour harms his kids, a dead brother they were close to, etc. ), she's really fundamentally different from jay because she just isn't a holt, hasn't been affected by the desert dream. there's just no possible way she could get it.

but those thoughts aside, let's dive into that picture and what it means to me personally. so bear is very conspicuously missing from the promo video ( as is jim, but that's for another post ), but sharon does make a brief cameo. her only appearance is where she's sitting next to jay at a time of day that looks like early morning, and she's got tears in her eyes that she's trying not to shed. obviously, this scene never happens in-game, but it does call to mind another scene:

... the scene where bear and jay discuss the stranger's fate, bear's inability to get help, and bear offers his parting words to jay. it's an early morning time, and based on the sky in these two images, i can safely say that jay's conversation with sharon here takes place at around the same time of day. based on sharon's expression, i'd imagine this takes place after bear's attempt. but it's clearly not after the attempted robbery, since there's just no way the holts would return home after that. so it's got to be sometime between bear's attempt and the robbery.

which leads me to talk about a key detail i noticed. i can't imagine this isn't intentional, but when bear is talking to jay, he is sitting to jay's right. in sharon's picture, she's sitting to jay's left. in other words, jay is sitting in the same spot that bear did. that's telling to me. it actually makes me cry a little bit. because what does bear say to jay in that scene? it wasn't easy for me, but i did it for us. family means sacrifice. i brought this on us, so it's on me to fix it. it's so striking. jay is the one who singlehandedly cinches the holts' fates. he gives up the watch or keeps it. he buries the stranger or keeps him alive. he decides if bear's fighting for his life or if it's all over. and then, in the robbery, he is the one who unknowingly picks up the black book. and i don't know what he and sharon were talking about, but i do know that jay is sitting in the seat of overwhelming personal responsibility. the situation the holts are in? it's one he feels responsible for. he could have let bear die for nothing. he could have killed thorne for nothing. and ma's anguish as she sits next to him is something jay feels he has a part in.

i believe wholeheartedly that this scene is one that would be shown in a book 2 flashback, where jay would agree to go along with the robbery. it's clear from the first chapter that tyler didn't want him there, and i doubt dale would have dragged jay kicking and screaming either. the truth is, jay wanted to go. he wanted to do this for the family. fix the mess he caused. and what happened?

well, it was the end of the line.

[tentative-wanderer]

Still thinking about this guy. He’s Princess Rapunzel but mad.

(^ the cover of the book he’s from)

👾 Started out as the unknowing male protagonist’s spoiled online girlfriend. Protagonist was a recent high school graduate.

👜 Fleeced the protagonist, making him buy “her” clothes and jewellery with money from his part-time jobs. “She” was the only person who remembered his birthday and gifted him fireworks when he was in need of support, so the protagonist was aware he was being fleeced but willing to fall into “her” clutches.

😘 Sent the protagonist a photo of “her” legs in black silk stockings “she” bought with the money the protagonist sent “her”. (Artistically ripped the stockings to up the level of sultriness.)

💯 Turned out to be the popular top student who sat next to the protagonist at school

🪚 Too casually dismembered a reanimated corpse during the protagonist’s first encounter with the supernatural, making the protagonist suspect him of being a serial killer

😈 Gradually revealed inhuman strength and severe mental illness ranging from inability to feel empathy (does not—cannot—care about anyone), to trigger-happy tendencies

🍆 Forcefully remained the protagonist’s boyfriend by threatening to send everyone a compromising video of the protagonist. Protagonist was pissed but very grudgingly remained mesmerised (didn’t delete the silk stocking photo)

👸Turned out to be a supernatural entity who used to be locked up in a tower, where his favourite pastime was charming people (including men) who entered the vicinity, making them commit dangerous acts in besotted attempts to rescue him. He was released from his prison by the protagonist’s mysterious mother and bidden to watch over her son in her absence, unbeknownst to the protagonist.

🔪 Still, he casually said several times that he wanted to kill the protagonist, turn the protagonist’s head into a taxidermied specimen, and put it by his bedside. Suggested once that the protagonist kill him and turn his head into a specimen instead.

🍵 His constant smile, way of talking a little cute, and way of pulling off “green tea” moves on bystanders to get his way with the protagonist makes his terrible behaviour come off as interesting to the reader rather than terrible. (Green tea is Chinese slang for presenting oneself as pure and innocent to con others into liking you or feeling sympathy for you.) In fact, he’s responsible for a lot of the humour in the book.

⚡️ Had to be collared with an electric collar by the protagonist to be forced into submission. At one point he excitedly offered to buy the protagonist a whip to match.

🎏 Turned out to have once been the boy equivalent of a shrine maiden—think masked dance in ghost-busting purification rites, playing the role of the Nuo god prince. As a child, he had saved the protagonist from a netherworldly troop during a festival procession.

🫁 At age ten, he was trapped with his mentally ill mother in a ghostly realm, where his mother mutated into a monstrous form and forced him to play a never-ending game: find—and then eat—the organs she dug from her body and hid around the hospital.

📞 Managed to make one phone call that was picked up by his cheating father’s mistress, who pretended it was a spam call, dooming him and his mother to a hellish eternity cut off from humanity.

🎭 Eventually received one chance to escape; instead, he chose to try to save his mother with the ritual dance of the Nuo god prince, causing her to stab him in her anguish.

🤍 Last words: “I don’t want to be sad anymore.”

👹 Received an injection containing the flesh of a god and was “lucky” to be compatible enough to not go completely mad, turning him into a supernatural creature just a little less monstrous than his mother.

🫴 Was discovered at home after his long disappearance, clutching his mother’s torn-off hand

⚪️ As a result of his trauma and semi-integration with a malevolent god’s flesh, he got his wish. He wasn’t sad anymore, because he felt nothing. No more compassion, so no more pain. Just smiling madness. Hence his psychopathic personality today.

❓ Was dissected, starved, electrocuted, etc by the authorities to figure out his capabilities prior to being imprisoned

💉 Discovered (from the protagonist) that his doctor mother had medically induced insanity in herself so that she would not be killed and could live long enough to give birth to him, even though it meant that she would be torturously experimented on later. So it turned out that he and his mother were always fighting to protect each other.

💬 When the protagonist killed his mother with his help, releasing her from the ghostly realm in which she had been trapped, he was able to talk to her sane self for the first and last time in their lives.

Doubled over in pain and confusion, he said to the protagonist, “My heart is so empty, help me fill it. I hate this sensation, hurry up and help me.”

“Jin Feize, I can’t help you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re experiencing sadness.”

⚫️ Attempted to shoot his cruel father after his mother’s death, but was thwarted by the protagonist who, worried that the authorities would use the murder as a pretext to euthanise him, threw himself in front of the man as a human shield.

Was terrified that he had killed the protagonist but what he said was: “Xiao Ye, why haven’t you died? I kept waiting for the news of your death. I’d decided, once you died, I’d die with you.”

“I hate you, I don’t like you. If not for you, I wouldn’t have remembered this suffering. I’m having nightmares again, I dreamed I was eaten by maggots, my whole body had rotted away. You’re not allowed to go anywhere, stay here with me. If I rot, you must rot with me.”

💔 Rediscovered a few emotions, including heartache:

Jin Feize eyed him for a while, then smiled suddenly. “Fine, as long as you don’t cry. When you cry, I want to kill people, and don’t even feel like eating hawberry cakes anymore.” He tilted his head, expression somewhat confused. “Have I fallen ill? Recently I keep feeling a discomfort in my chest. So you’d better not cry anymore, I seem to hate it when people cry, what if I can’t control myself and kill you?”

“You want to kill me?” Jiang Ye furrowed his brow.

“No,” Jin Feize replied very honestly, “I want to kiss you. Xiao Ye, let’s kiss.”

…he said, in a context where kissing would have been very inappropriate (his boyfriend couldn’t remember his own identity).

🔫 Blasted his own head to bits without hesitation (the head of a manifestation of himself who travelled through time)

💳 Many twists and turns later, they lived happily ever after, with him maxing out the protagonist’s credit cards (ah, he works so hard to earn money, my heart aches for him so much, oops my hand slipped and bought another luxury scarf, it’s okay he’ll forgive me anyway)

*

This book, Xiong Sui by Yang Su, is in my danmei rec list

[loveletterstothepast]

The countdown, the fear.

I don’t fear the future in my motherhood anymore. It used to terrify me and I swore I never wanted to become anyone’s parent due to how much of my life was lost and spent raising other people’s children. Not just in the daycare teacher aspect but in the way I’m the oldest daughter and first grand daughter and everyone after me has always been my responsibility for some reason. I never got angry about how I was robbed of a youth and sometimes I retell the story of losing my dad and hear it, I was a child fighting for my sister to come home just to be told I should move out. My dreams stunted by a shitty hand dealt in my life. I never got to go to college and by the time I finally wanted to go, I was wrapped up in more family drama and responsibilities that should’ve never landed on my shoulders. I’ll always be an advocate for my son though. No one will make him feel the way I felt growing up. No, It’s never been about my inability to be a good mother, it’s always been about the lack of quiet. I want a peaceful life for myself, one without screaming. I don’t want to spend my nights crying my eyes out. I can’t relive the childhood that I had and be the mother and call myself a success and pat myself on the back for the bare minimum. I want to be so much more than that hallow woman and I did my best to put off childbearing.. actually, I still feel in my bones if it weren’t for the man I have, I wouldn’t have ever given into this delicate and beautiful start of my life.

I fear so many things that don’t revolve around motherhood, I fear being a caretaker alone, the lonely days and nights of an unfaithful man. The dread that I’m an unfulfilled woman who’ll neglect my child and my own responsibilities because I’m selfish and will put my needs first. God only knows that the home I grew up in with my own mother lacked empathy. This isn’t about how she failed me or herself, she can live in her delusions of self splendor and her pride in her teachings. It won’t ever make it true. I fear that the woman she is, will be the woman I become. Regret will make a permanent home in my bones because I’ll always blame everyone else for why my life didn’t escalate into what I always imagined.

I’ve learned through pregnancy and loss, through cheating and ache, I don’t have to be her or be afraid of her truths rattling around my brain anymore.

I wish always that I was wiser, mature, emotionally intelligent, and smarter than what I am truly. I’m not even surface level of intelligence, I have no real ability to stop the things that happen around me but I’ve done so much more than my mom has in so little time. I will choose my son over all else, over a man, over a fabricated image of love, I’ll choose being his mother over superficial things that I can’t always enjoy. I broke generational curses so many times with exercising forgiveness for people who didn’t deserve me at my best or my worst, I’ve been more kind to people who have treated me like dirt when all I wanted was to be treated well. I’ve left men alone simply because I was acting like my mother. I have chiseled my life into a mess and created beauty out of it. In my grief of my son instead of self destruction, I made beautiful things and gave my life meaning. I may still be lost in the never ending always changing paths of life but I know for certain, I have always atoned for the hurt I’ve caused and always made better decisions than the ones before. I have always been true to the narrative that I am the person I say I am and no one more and no one less than her.

I never have to worry about IF I’ll be good, I will. Failure isn’t an option. I want him to be better than I ever was in my life and I want him to reach the goals he wants. If his father decides to cheat, I will do what I need to do to continue to provide and make his life comfortable. I will coparent. I will be civil. My son’s first heartbreak will not be because I couldn’t handle myself accordingly, he will never feel disappointed in our love for him. He won’t get to question if he was ever wanted. The difference I want to make is so small, he’s going to be his own person and loved for being just that, he’s going to grow up safe and if he’s scared, I’ll chase away those demons, WE will never be the ones apart of his nightmares.

My fear is that you’ll traumatize him like you did me, and I now know in my head and in my heart, you aren’t the family I want around him. If I create a safer life for him, it’ll be one without my family completely. No one will ever get an excuse or an opportunity to cause any pain if I have any say so. He’s ours and I’m going to keep him safe, when I have a daughter, I’ll bark at ANYONE who tries to push their responsibilities onto her. No one will make MY children feel the way I did.

So I’m putting my foot down finally, I’m gonna go no contact after a slow period of disappearing. I’ve already made my mind up about the kind of life I want us to live.

I’ll never give up my peaceful life up for people who don’t respect the hand that feeds them, never going to allow myself to be disappointed or disturbed by people who can’t take care of their own children. I’ll be damned if I condemn my kids to a life O desperately wanted to run away from.

[kapisonozaki]

meakashi thoughts, part one, slide five (+ a bit of watanagashi for context)

 Because of what she said about the priest not necessarily deserving it, but had it coming, she’s worrying that Mion wouldn’t protect her unconditionally, since Shion has an obvious disdain for Hinamizawa, as mentioned earlier. And when she sees Satoshi, she sees what she wants the most from Mion: someone, who no matter how badly the odds are stacked against them, will protect her. Even more so, Satoshi, like the Sonozaki twins, never had a chance to grow up because of family problems that ended up turning into trauma. However, he doesn’t try to hide his naive, yet emphatic innocence. What Shion sees in him, she sees in Mion’s true self, as we see when all of a sudden we see Mion become incredibly vulnerable when talking with Shion in the library. Also, I’m not sure if this is mentioned in the main arcs, but in Miotsukushi Matsuri/Omote, we learn that the library is actually one of the only places that the Sonozaki actually don’t have control over in Shishibone District. This, of course, shows how the library is one of the only places in Shishibone where both Mion and Shion can show their true selves together, without having to put on appearances and disguises to appease the Sonozaki family.What’s strange, however, is that Shion never seems to show HER own vulnerability during the conversation. Mion showcases both the tomboy Mion, the heiress Mion Sonozaki, and the child “Shion,” but Shion only ever really shows her mature side without revealing any of her own sadness or vulnerabilities. It could just be said that she knows inside that Mion has experienced a significant amount more while they were separated, but I think it’s also due to how she doesn’t truly want to believe that Mion has changed such a large amount from her while she was gone, as well as her thinking that there isn’t a side of her that’s so emotional, since she obviously prides herself on her rationality, as mentioned in the beginning of the chapter. She doesn’t want to believe that there might be so much about Mion that she doesn’t know about her now. She doesn’t want to believe that what united them together as children, the inability to distinguish one from the other, might have been slipping away as time moved on from the misbranding incident. Later on, when she finds out Satoshi has a little sister that he always has to take of because their aunt hates her, she starts to hate Satoko just a little bit too. This isn’t necessarily just because Satoko was monopolizing Satoshi’s love, but also because she sees herself in Satoko, In Satoko, she sees a whiny brat who has to cling on to their “older” sibling not knowing how much pain they cause to the older sibling because of it. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she hates Satoko because she hates how she feels like she herself is bringing down Mion, who already seems so mature, with herself. It’s also important to note that at this point, Shion doesn’t hold a grudge against Mion for becoming the successor in her place. She might be disappointed, but it’s not strong enough to turn into a feeling of hatred. She knows that deep down, Mion is still just as vulnerable as she was when she was “Shion.” She wants to be there for Mion because of this, as shown by her observations of how Mion feels about her role as leader, but she feels that she’ll also bring Mion down because of her negative feelings towards Hinamizawa that Mion has obviously shown a little contempt towards, as seen with her response to the curse upon the Furude priests. Also, Rena definitely catches on to Shion’s disguise, considering she NEVER acts the way she did around Shion, around Mion. What Rena tells Shion starts making her believe in Oyashiro-sama’s curse. I would go into how the scene where Rena tells Shion how even a lie like a fake smile can become a true smile plays into the irony of Shion and Meakashi in general, but this isn’t a Shion analysis (this part has NOT aged well since I end up going more in depth about it later on 😭😭😭).

[krystalin3]

Isaw evangelion forever ago.but what I remember I loved about the show was that the robots and big monsters were incidental. Not it the sense it was not relevant, but more in the fact that the focus of the story was shinjis mental health.

everything felt like it was more like metaphors to help us the audience go deeper into shinji's character. The ending being a mental breakdown, the inability, the breaking of all self into wherever fantasy land full dissociation from self and place is.

i found myself so upset by the beginning of the end of Evangelion movie. Shinji, as much as he was falling apart mentally and emotionally, never felt that way about her. H Would never have done what he did because that is not the reality of his experience, of his character, of what was shown.

The movie was like a what if. What if Shinji didn't completely break, came back from tht Dissociative state a horny madman. How, how was that a reasonable expectation to have of Shinji? Is it, cause he's a boy?

maybe it's cause I'm asexual?

But I've seen enough films where I understand the emotional implications softly stated many films of all types, I including those serious drama type films. Iknow i definitely miss some stuff,but not everything, and what shi did I the beginning of the end of Evangelion film feltike thiese emotional implications were build in a secret cave bunker under the house.

i sometimes wonder how many secret caves are built around me. Building up truths without my knowledge. Waiting for the day to reveal it in a cruel joke that reveals the plot against my ... Self .. the performance the self I portray to connect with you.

S i tried to build tools, tools to help me cope with that possibility.to be okaywiththeinnevitable unknowable. The good and the bad. And when my mind palace flows through the storms of infinite possibilities. I make sure to feel them all, as much as I can. Trying to practice acceptance.

Practicing letting go. Leaving. Forever.

But it makes me so empty

I feel like sludge, nothing is accomplished fast enough, I'm aging, time wants to rush by and leave me with nothing. And my body, hopelessly trying to be normal, to calm down, to be responsible, to do wjats rigjt... hopelessly.. the soul stiffens in a brace, a cage, an iron maidem. One step out of line. And I will day.

When will I break like Shinji did. When will I stop being able to take this. If I don't use my hands, when will my mind do it for me.

Or has this all been part of it, have I been stuck in my mind palace sense long before I noticed anything else in society