#warning rambling under the cut

[jaeyooniverse]

sharing a refreshing melona bar with jaeyoon in honor of our 4th anniversary!! 💞

I'll try to not be super embarrassing in case someone actually reads this

I think I've mentioned this before but it's still mind boggling to me to think that at this point, I've been stanning for more than half the time sf9 has been active (as sf9). When I first joined I was, as everyone is when they first start out, a baby fantasy who felt like she had so much to catch up on, like I wasn't "that big of a fan" bc I wasn't there since the beginning. At the time sf9 was turning 3 and already finding their sound and style. But even if I was "late" I'm so happy I've found them and decided to be a fan. The way everything happened by chance I really feel like it's fate, the way everything played out. (My friend pointed out how I stanned seventeen in 2017 so of course 2019 would be the year for sf9😂) but I had been listening to them (the sensuous album, at least) since late 2018 but it wasn't until enough that I decided to check out more of their stuff. Even then, I think I was ready to just be a casual stan. But then they announced their tour and my friend and I had to go !! So to prep I binged their content bc I needed to know the people I'm about to see lolll

So that takes me to jaeyoon.. I was watching Star Road and got to his turn when he had to resist laughin/smiling while other members tickled him.. honestly I really cannot explain why I fell for him the way I did...but for whatever reason the moment I saw him I swear my heart skipped and I was like HIM. That's my sf9 bias!! And he's been able to maintain the title ever since (yes we've had some bias wrecking but....we won't talk about that rn dgjfgsksh) and seeing him in person!!!! Just made it even more clear how attracted I was to him like not just abt his appearance but his character I just have always loved his energy and personality he's always such a wonderful and endearing person to watch how could I NOT love him??? But then as I started to really stan (literally the moment I left the concert I was like I HAVE to stan now) I just found more and more things i love about him. His relationship with the other members, his laugh, his singing, the way he both has a great sense of coordination (we stan dancer jaeyoon in this house) but also is just such a clumsy mess at times and how awkward he is sometimes but like he's not even awkward he's just HIM idk like do you understand ??? Jaeyoon I love you, and I love how you love! Where else will I find a man who decorates 89 bags, posts 89 pics for his birthday? How hard he worked on binnies bracelet even after it fell apart like twice😭😭😭

OK maybe it's not the healthiest coping mechanism to use someone as your comfort but he really is my kpop comfort boy 😭😭 (I do think a good part of it is his voice, it's just so comforting to me. Or is it comforting bc I like him? Do i like him bc he's comforting? It's been so long I'm not even sure anymore) which is why it really was kinda hard on me when his enlistment was announced like I was literally in the middle of looking at a photo book and was ON HIS PAGE when the enlistment notice was posted. Idk if the timing makes it better or worse tbh. (Definitely worse) I feel silly about it sometimes bc it's not like he's someone who is physically present in my everyday life, it's not really much different from before, just watching him from behind my screen. But there are moments I miss him and hope he's doing alright, bc that's just how people feel when they care about someone right? And i care about jaeyoon a lot, and I'm really thankful I have had him and all the sepgus to make me laugh, smile, and cry, to connect with fellow fantasy, over the last few years.

Maybe I'm just extra sentimental bc my ult group who got me into kpop also just had their anniversary recently (iykyk) so my emotions are HIGH but also I've just. Been in such a tough space lately I'm always sensitive tbh LMAO

Anyway i don't really know where I was going with this. Tldr I love jaeyoon so much and hope I can support and be a fan for years to come ♡

[sewerdraws]

Make it for me // Put it on me

it's here ... the convoluted spy x spy x sniper shoe themed page.... very much inspired by this song .

if you wanna read my incoherent thoughts about the ship and this piece in particular it's under the cut !! (warning for sex mention and v unhealthy dynamics)

Basically two ships i rly like are sniper x spy and spy x spy (going from the assumption they are two different people who are somehow magically uncannily similar) and i started thinking about mixing the two...

I imagine red spy and red snipes as having a pretty close friendship and strong sense of camaraderie (they are of few words but understand each other very well) with unspoken attraction towards each other and lots of awkward tension (that sometimes has to break out 😏), basically even with their close friendship they still have too much pride and too much of a shell to admit their feelings to themselves and they're so messy aaaah

where red spy's personality is pretty close to canon, blu spy is v different. he keeps to himself because he's very unstable, much more anxious and paranoid. red has some kind of weird superiority complex / identity crisis over him and toys with him (you hate in others what you hate in yourself etc etc...)

blu spy has an unhealthy obsession with red snipes to the point of being stalker-y. his relationship with red spy switches between trying to gain his favours to get closer to red sniper, and trying to kill him / impersonate him to trick red sniper. i have yet to think about how red snipes reacts to it all but i'm sure i can fit a lot more unhealthy relationships in there :) !

the idea for the art here is that shoes are Gay and Horny. but also. sniper's making the shoe for spy, a craft that takes patience, skill and passion. spy, who is notoriously picky about his clothing, trusted him with this part of his appearance. sniper making the shoe is an act of service, but it stems from the trust between them. meanwhile blu spy only gets to put the shoe on, a trivial gesture that red spy could have done himself, and that also puts blu physically beneath him. idK MAN shoes.

anyways they haven't left my mind for the past 3 days im temporarily naming them the toxic trio until i find something better but there will be more art and if you read all of this we are siblings in arms and i love u

[lots-o-doodles]

Oh, empty my heart I've got to make room For this feeling It's so much bigger than me ~

So this idea smacked me over the head when I was going to the post office yesterday and I've been consumed ever since. 4 pages turned to 6 and here we are... I've been thinking a lot about Rem and her grief over Tesla and the way that would affect her when the twins came into her life. I took some liberties with canon with this comic but I hope it isn't too bad.

[merge-conflict]

thinking about Goro ever leaving Arasaka is such a fun but heartbreaking thing to think about because like– what would truly make him leave? what would destroy his faith and his loyalty so utterly that he'd walk away from his identity? because it's not just a job, being a soldier is who he is, and he's specifically an Arasaka soldier. when he expresses any doubt about the life he's had or what he really wants it's always with an air of inevitability that Arasaka will exist and continue to exist. what's the alternative? he asks V, because he truly doesn't believe there can be one. he can't believe it, or if he does he has to believe it's not worth the cost, because otherwise what has his life been in service of?

but while he's stubborn and loyal, he isn't stupid. he'll deflect v or get angry when they dismiss corporations entirely not because he thinks they're shining forces of good but because he sees fighting against them as naivety. the world is hard, but that's how it is, and fighting against it will only cause more suffering.

and yet. and yet. he is blind in a particular way, that I think comes from his success and the reward for his hard work. certainly there are plenty of people like him, who were smart and worked hard and came from nothing but were never rewarded for that because they didn't do it in quite the right way, or they weren't liked, or they were simply one among hundreds and thousands, just a number on a spreadsheet– they were never someone noticed personally by Saburo Arasaka. he's absolutely conditioned to believe that the system works because it worked for him.

so to come back around to the question– what could shake his faith in that so entirely that he can start to see the lie he's pledged himself to? that this empire, this corporation is truly no better than any other, and is just as disgustingly hypocritical and pathetic when threatened as any other power?

I can see a lot of possible answers to the question, and though I'm a romantic I can't say the answer is just love– he could deny himself that, I'm sure, and any personal sort of happiness. he could tell himself anyone he loved deserves someone who can give their full attention (and how could he ever give Arasaka less than everything he has? even for his suicidal revenge he means it as a warning, a rallying cry, for Arasaka to save itself from those who would destroy it).

but! the thing about corporations is that they will tell you the rules, and their ideals, and they will enforce them. and you at some point will become a representative of that corp and make promises according to those ideals, and the corp will make a liar of you. whatever trust you've built, whatever standards you hold yourself to in order to maintain your reputation? meaningless. and that more than anything is something I think that Goro would be unable to accept, that something that was his responsibility and his promise was broken without remorse or even consultation. perhaps he could counsel himself through that doubt, and remain in the fold, but it would be one of those moments where he is truly vulnerable to break away, and certainly a reason to shake his faith.

even then– even then I don't think he could see it all at once. he's in too deep, and he wants to believe that Arasaka can work so badly, that he's blind to the reality of its existence. so even if he does break free, then what? and I think the answer to that is that he will always want to believe that if juuust a few things were fixed Arasaka would be on the right path, or would be redeemed.

and that deprogramming will take forever to undo, if he ever lived long enough to try it.

anyway I started writing this post because I'm writing that initial break from his pov where he's struggling with it and internally he's just thinking: Maybe if I kill myself righting this wrong Saburo will understand and Arasaka will go back to being something I can feel proud of! and I want to chew through the drywall why doesn't he get it (I know why)

[sysig]

I did some Souichi studies because I’m love he <3 (Patreon)

Bonus:

Here are the Studies compared to their Originals btw :3

So like, not a joke, not an exaggeration, I’m pretty sure this is my favourite panel in the entire Challengers/KoiBo continuity (and I decided to draw it first lol - it’s ‘cause I have such big feelings about it!!) It just hhhhhh, it so perfectly encapsulates everything he’s feeling in that moment; disbelief, betrayal, uncertainty, distrust, conflict - every moment of love he’s built up to that point has been thrown into immediate relief to what he’s been told and it’s all there, right on his face, it’s such a masterfully done expression ;; <3 I legit cry every time I reread, that whole scene is just so good, I could actually talk forever about his relationship with Morinaga in that one moment

The rest aren’t nearly so intense lol, mostly just grabbed from moments when I thought he was being especially cute <3 Concerned lad! His hair is so swoopy in Challengers hehe <3 <3 It’s actually even fluffier in his super early-on appearances, which are also excellent >:3c But I still like his KoiBo look best ♪ You can also see it’s a bit of a challenge to make his face as slim as he actually is, just thicken the lines inward until it almost looks right! Lol

I love this panel haha, everyone so silly chibi’d out. You can also really get a good look at how ridiculous his hair is, look at how the tuft that’s tucked behind his ear joins up with the tie! How does he tie it up like that, consistently?? How is he allowed in labs like that!! He’s ridiculous <3

Confused and blushy Souichi ft. Morinaga, I just kind of filled in the details he was covering lol. I love Souichi being dumb and having no self-awareness <3 He’s actually quite intelligent and emotionally aware a surprising majority of the time! But his blind spots leave big gaps haha

I love when he has his eyebrows in a relatively neutral position, he’s normally so grumpy! He looks so friendly even with just a neutral expression :D Plus his hair!! The way it’s communicated to be thin and feathery by being able to “see through it” to his lab coat, ah <3 Handsomest

Shy boy <3 I also really love the way his hands and wrists are shaped, such cool lines ah

I could’ve sworn he and Morinaga were like, almost the same size in Challengers... I guess Morinaga did have a second growth spurt, but still! It’s just an excuse to see him being cute!! Oh noooooo (lol)

Grump man <3 Beauty boy <3 His hair flows so beautifully!

It’s also fun to see a younger Souichi in a flashback, rather than in the Challengers style haha. He was a mess by himself, he’d hate to hear it but he really only does well with others haha. I also love how this scene is from the POV of one of his admirers, Momo is such a good girl and she’s so right <3

He’s being such a meanie to his sister in this scene lol, he’s the worst! <3 I was going to leave it at that, but adding his little frameless-glasses stem holes really made it look like Spamton’s googly eyes and I about lost it lol

[liiacfleur]

An excerpt from the Loch Nora arc as a treat since people seemed excited! Just a reminder that this scene is just over a year in the future from where we are after chapter seven, so the dynamic is much different than currently.

Massive spoilers under the cut. I used a portion of the scene that doesn’t spoil insanely important plot points, but it still contains huge spoilers in regards to Steve and Kas’ relationship and dynamic. Readers be warned.

Content warning: blood, smut, and — I suppose technically unwilling — voyeurism. Oh and some good ol cross dressing too. Steve looks pretty in a dress what can I say.

Preface: they’re out on a balcony after stepping away during one of many parties they will attend at the dukes manor during the arc. This takes place after a confrontation that I don’t want to spoil that happens between Kas and Tommy.

***

With deft fingers, Kas’ touch wandered up the prince’s spine and below his veil, teasing along his neck, then to the side of his throat. Right over the mark of their blood oath, hidden below the fabric covering the delicate skin. Often Kas warred with whether he preferred it as their secret or if he wanted the world to see it. To see his claim, made from teeth and blood. Many times, Kas wished he could show others his own, scarred lovingly over his own jugular.

Entranced not for the first time, Kas brushed his fingers over Steve’s hidden scar once more. Then higher, where the fabric gave way to the sliver of skin between its hem and Steve’s jaw.

“Kas,” Steve gasped. The prince shivering as his fingers grazed the scars left behind from a battle in his youth. “What if someone sees us?”

Maybe they should, Kas thought with a note of bitterness. He’d never experienced jealousy whenever Steve visited brothels, but — when it came to that arrogant duke — he was green with envy. To think he’d dare to encroach on the man holding Kas very soul. He ought to be reminded of who Steve chose.

“No one will see us if you’re quiet,” Kas teased, his voice already thick with arousal. It blended oddly with the rage still simmering in his chest from their unpleasant encounter with that sniveling duke, but it also fueled him further. It made him want to hear the wanton moans he could draw forth from the prince's lips, knowing no other man could. “You can keep quiet, can’t you, my loving wife?”

At that, Steve looked over his shoulder to glare at Kas. He was sure that, behind the veil, Steve’s cheeks were flushed and his ears red. It would no doubt stand in contrast to the embarrassed frustration with which he spoke. “Quit it with the marriage jokes—”

“I think not.”

“—besides, you know the answer to that question, you bastard.”

Kas hummed, pleased as a barn cat that got the cream. He already knew well enough that Steve would make noise, none of which would be heard over the band playing inside the grand hall. But to eavesdroppers who dared to sully the prince with their stare…

Steve inhaled sharply when Kas’ fingers trailed to the buttons of the high collared dress. His touch brushed along the nape of the prince’s neck, teasing the skin between his hairline and the fabric. It was quickly replaced by his cold breath as he joined Steve under the veil, leaving a cool kiss behind the prince's ear which was hot to the touch. Then he undid the first button, then the second, all the way down to where the buttons gave way to the string of the corset, exposing the sun kissed skin of his neck and spine. With a smirk, Kas ducked down to nip and suck a mark on the back of his neck.

Immediately a gloved hand came up to Steve’s mouth as the prince tried to muffle the small noise that escaped him. “This isn’t what you asked — Kas.”

With a smirk, Kas pressed a quick kiss to the bruise. “You’re hard to resist. Should I leave a new scar?”

“I have enough scars on my neck. Looks like you’ve run out of room,” Steve replied, his own tone tilting towards teasing.

With a small huff of laughter, Kas spun Steve around, and, sure enough, the prince was smirking at him when their noses brushed. “Your thighs are quite unmarred.”

Steve chuckled as his cheeks flushed further. “You’re quite territorial when you’re jealous.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“What a redundant question.”

Kas rolled his eyes, even if Steve couldn’t see it. However, the prince clearly understood him well enough. Steve rolled his own eyes in reply before kissing the corner of Kas mouth, a hair's breadth closer to a proper kiss than the last time.

“You better bite me quick,” Steve said as he pulled away. “Someone will come looking for us soon.”

Another way to say that, if Kas let Robin find them in that position again, he would probably kill him.

Without the need for more prompting, Kas ducked down and sunk his teeth into Steve’s throat. Immediately he felt the prince grow lax against him as a moan spilled past his lips, already clinging to Kas and morphing against his body. It was more than a pleasant surprise to feel that the prince had already grown hard as well, and Kas hummed contently when he pressed them flush together.

“Kas,” Steve panted, grasping at his shoulders in desperation. “Kas — ah — slow down.”

With a heady groan, Kas pulled away to press a bloody kiss against the prince's jaw. Steve gasped when his tongue darted out to clean away the crimson a second later. “You were the one who told me to be quick—”

Suddenly, Steve was gripping his hair and pulling Kas away from his throat to stare at him — his eyes burning with lust. “Did I tell you to stop?”

“My apologies,” Kas whispered. When Steve’s gaze glinted with approval, Kas grinned before, with the speed of an arrow, his teeth sunk into the prince’s throat once more, flooding his mouth with the most exquisite of wines. He was immediately drunk from the sweet blood coating his tongue.

Steve swore under his breath, the words stretching into a low groan when Kas pressed his hand against the prince’s spine and dragged him closer, so close he could feel their erections brushing against one another between the layers of fabric and tulle. And, when he slid his leg between Steve’s thighs, he was rewarded with the feeling of the prince grinding against him, seeking release and babbling nonsense. Steve’s grip tightened in his hair, bordering the fine line between pleasure and pain, and Kas moaned softly against his throat.

Gently pulling his teeth from Steve’s flesh, Kas licked the blood spilling from the wound left behind. Steve whimpered, melting in his arms as Kas trailed his tongue along his jugular before he nipped at his jaw.

“More, Kas, I need more,” Steve begged breathlessly.

“I don’t want you to be lightheaded when we go back,” Kas protested.

With a low growl, Steve’s grip tightened again, pulling at Kas’ hair and making him gasp with a mixture of pain and heady lust. “More,” Steve ordered.

Before Kas could voice that Robin would likely drown him in the sea if Steve passed out from blood loss, he heard something. It was minuscule, barely a scuff, but enough for him to notice. So, with a wicked smirk, Kas bit Steve hard.

“Gods!” Steve cried out.

Another shuffle, this one with more urgency, but still hesitant. Then a single step forward. However, any further steps were halted a moment later.

The prince gasped as Kas’ hands migrated downward from the dip of his spine to hoist one of Steve’s legs around his waist, effectively hiking up the skirt of the dark dress. It pressed the prince’s cock against his thigh, only separated by thin breechers damp with his prerelease, and Steve let out a moan as sweet and rich as honey.

“Kas — Kas — I’m close,” Steve gasped.

Kas hummed, grinding Steve against him until the prince was spewing curses and moans like a blasphemous prayer. And, for a brief moment, Kas allowed the cold, dark mist concealing his face to dissipate. It blew away in the warm sea breeze, mingling past the veil concealing them from prying eyes. Then Kas glanced at the dark shadows of the balcony, where the outline of a man stood, watching them in disbelief.

The moment the Hagan’s eyes locked with Kas’, glowing like twin rubies past the veil, the duke paled, his skin ashen and grey.

Mine.

There was no need for words for the statement to be understood. The duke quickly turned and ran from the balcony just as Steve shouted Kas name as he came, leaving the devil stained with the prince’s blood and seed. A mark of his own that the duke would surely not soon forget.

[crehador]

How do you budget for gatchas? I ended up pulling for both Arknights Zuo Le and ARBs Nemu but failed both after 120 and 75 pulls respectively. Arknights was kind enough to give me the Shu and a Ling dupe, but ARB I got nothing and I have nothing left lol

I actually semi ragequit ARB after my Nemu incident , bc I was trying to save for Samatokis ultimate card. Now that the card is out with this timing, I'm taking it as a sign to take a long break lol. So I respect your grind for the back to back smic cards!

unfortunately it's either swipe swipe swipe or be very diligent about saving free currency + get lucky as well

the advice i have is for the diligent + lucky f2p approach because i don't recommend the swipe swipe swipe route like. at all lmao

for me, in arknights specifically, saving is often about making some extremely less than optimal resource/sanity choices lol

like i'm at 250 pulls on the current arknights banner (AND STILL NO ZUO LE SOMEHOW) and i'm going for 300 to spark nian (originally was going to spark chongyue but he just... came home like a good boy lol, so now out of the sui siblings i'm only missing nian)

so even though technically the best use of sanity is to farm the event stages (there's even rocks... delicious rocks......) i'm using my sanity to clear stages i haven't cleared before (in side story/record restoration) for more originite prime and therefore more pulls

i switched my factories and trading posts over to produce orundum instead of lmd too, which is definitely not smart because i always need lmd lol, and i e2'd some units i never use just to do their paradox simulations (also not smart because... again, i don't have the lmd to be messing around like this lmao)

also, personally i think the smartest use of gold certs is to save 180 for an operator of your choice, but i... have literally never done that orz i have no self-restraint and always buy the pulls with gold certs, so that helps too (and is why even after many years of playing I STILL DON'T HAVE SCHWARZ)

i happened to have a lot saved up when this shu banner started, so that helped too. i wasn't planning to go all in like this (logos... i need logos...) but zuo le is being such a fucking problem that i guess i may as well go all the way for nian now

as for arb, it's a lot of self-restraint

tl;dr i have to skip a lot of banners even if there's a card i really want

if you do all dailies and don't get super unlucky, as in going to full pity every time, i think it's possible to get every* event** card of at least 2 characters without spending at all. and it's definitely possible if you're only targeting every event card of 1 character

but tragically that does mean skipping a lot of things you want. like i would love to get nemu's ultimate card. i did actually throw some pulls into her banner when she first released, but alas. she did not want to come home

i knew samatoki was coming eventually (brutal that they put him right after nemu though) so after pulling ichiro's ultimate card, i didn't do any ultimate pulls whatsoever. i had about 50 pulls stocked up, plus some leftover gems from ichiro's bday savings

basically events with ichiro and/or samatoki plus their birthday banners are the only things i ever pull on, unless i have a lot of gems stocked up (then i try to go for anniversary events)

*more specifically, i should say every event card except one per year. i always pick one samatoki or ichiro event card to skip per year, and then grab it from the revival banner during anniversary events. being able to skip even one banner per year helps a ton with saving free resources

**and when i say every event card, i specifically mean the event cards attached to story-type events. i usually skip the monthly banner series (such as waftage) since there are other opportunities to get those cards throughout the year (now more than ever, with the new battle pass, i recommend skipping these since you can just outright buy them with the battle pass rewards, even from the free tier of the battle pass)

okay sorry this got very long and rambly lol but the real tl;dr is just

do all dailies, buy all free pulls, and skip a ton of banners

[qcomicsy]

I really wish body horror wasn't as popular in the spideypool fandom as it is

[roguephenon]

First of all, I love your fanfics (my favorites are Operation: T.E.A. and Cold Reception) and I can't wait to see the next chapter of Cold Reception! Will the next chapter answer what happened to the Delightful Children after Operation: I.N.T.E.R.V.I.E.W.S. and how they survived that fall?

Sorry I missed this question! I'm just now getting to it, my bad.

The next chapter is up if you want to read it! As for how the Delightful Children survived the fall in INTERVIEWS, I don't really go into that, but mostly the line in the previous chapter ("You think we'd allow ourselves to be done in by mere toiletry?") was my jokey/hand-wave-y way of explaining that. They've survived far worse in the actual show, so I never thought it was a stretch to believe they would survive getting flushed down a giant toilet. SPOILER UNDER THE CUT!

I started this story when I was a kid, and a lot has changed since I decided to return and finish it, but one plot point that never changed was the DCFDTL's "death" being a red herring. It was to highlight how the younger operatives probably don't question what happens to villains who don't come back from dangerous situations, and when they get older and think about it, they grimly realize, oh crud, people have died in this war against adult tyranny. It's also a commentary on how they were just...kind of swept under the rug in the finale. Maybe they had a definitive ending planned since we know Mr. W wanted/wants to make a sequel series, but as of the time of writing, we have to consider their canon ending as THE ending. Their story is terribly tragic, and I wanted to highlight it. Throughout the narrative, they are hinted at, and even when they're "shown," it's vague enough to make you think, "Oh, Father just kidnapped more kids to replace the old ones." And then realize, nope! It's been them the entire time. Then it's revealed why they HAVEN'T been around, and it culminates in the abuse Father has put them through.

...I think about the Delightful Children a lot...

[ki3r1]

man what in the actual fuck they had him locked up and kept his wrists bound. what did they think he'd do???

Also ☠️☠️☠️:

I wonder if this was their way of conveying humanity's capacity for change and Vash's resulting belief in it. Because Luida, Brad and even (implied) the rest of the crew grow to care for him, but that's only after he starts helping heal plants. If he had no use would Luida have had to eventually cave to the pressure from the rest of crew and let him be either outright killed or kicked out? Because that's like, unforgiveable. The only excuse I can think to give the crew is that because they're already under so much stress after the crash and are struggling to keep systems working on a limited crew and resources, they're just not really thinking straight, or don't want to split their already overworked resources into studying/ looking after Vash who doesn't produce anything as other plants do and therefore isn't immediately useful. But I don't see how that leads to wanting to kill Vash who was, plant or otherwise, still clearly a child. It still doesn't rationalise or justify it (ｰдｰ) They only decided to warm up to him because he helped them with the plants, but what if he couldn't or wasn't allowed to when the first one started acting up??? idkk like that's why I'm wondering if this is even supposed to be a good example of humanity's capacity to alter their mistakes/ change/ grow because why do they deserve that credit when the only thing that facilitated that possibility was Vash (a ONE YEAR OLD) being useful to them?

nai woulda killed them all bruh 💀

anyway I still like Brad and Luida, even with Brad being an absolute menace for no justifiable reason for a while ;-; He did change and ig grow as a person but like !!! not to say it for the millionth time but what if Vash didn't heal plants!!!! would Brad have let him die ???? cause it 100% sounds like it. Like the scientists had no reason to distrust Vash to that extent it really. made no sense to me.

[bumblingbabooshka]

[TUVOKTOBER: Day 20] Workforce.

TEXT: "I know this must be confusing for you but you're ill, very ill, and you must accept that reality if we're to have any hope of treating you. You're suffering from a syndrome on which I happen to be an expert. You say you remember me and I don't doubt it - what you're experiencing now is a relapse. I helped you before and I could help you again if you'd just-" A great, near overwhelming sense of shame and error washes over Tuvok as he realizes that he's begun to cry. It's the same sense that something is dreadfully wrong which has plagued him for the past few days - that he is wrong. That something terrible has been done to him. That he is behaving shamefully. But even as he feels this there is a stronger feeling, rising above all else: DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN. "…If you'd just listen to me. All this nonsense, all this turmoil. Don't you want it to end? Don't you want help? I can't help you if you're going to act like this. You're one standing in the way of your own treatment, I'm sorry to say. I hope, with time, you'll see that." END. THOUGHTS: Based on this line from 'Workforce'

But it did also remind me of that scene in 'Plato's Stepchildren' where Spock was forced to laugh and cry and seemed both distraught and enraged by it. That and the fact that Ravoc says Tuvok accused them of 'stealing his katra' - essentially his soul, tells me that this is a very difficult thing for Tuvok. Not only was he brainwashed to forget about his old life but he was made to act in a way he'd find shameful, antithetical to the person he is and has worked hard to be. It's like a double loss almost since for Vulcans, their control is a very important part of their identity. I wonder what the process of returning to himself again was like for him. It's not only remembering the details of his old life but mastering his emotions once again - something we've seen in both Spock & T'Pol is difficult for Vulcans to do once they've begun expressing and experiencing emotions without the blunt distancing of logic.

[lukasdoodles]

Spoilers below for the new owl house episode “For the Future”

STRING BEAAAANNNNNN

I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH SHE FITS LUZ SO WELL!!!!!!!! string bean beloved PLEASEEEEEEEEEE <333333

[wdjaejin]

hello everyone!! i'm pepper (she/they, 21+), and i haven't roleplayed in a while so excuse me if/when i'm learning things again. i'm bringing you all this pain in the ass, yang jaejin. he's a hunter, a pretty difficult person to deal with and on top of that is kind of having a huge existential crisis at the moment. fun! i'll leave more info & some vague plot ideas under the cut, pls hit that little ♡ button if you'd like to plot! ( psst. i also have a discord if you prefer that. )

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info

tw: mentions of death

he was born on december 27th, 1998 to a hunting family that has been hunting for as long as anyone remembers. his dad, his uncles, his mother, his grandparents? all hunters. jaejin was also trained to be a hunter ever since he was a small kid. didn't question it much, even though his upbringing was tough and strict. he just knew he would never risk a supernatural being hurting someone he cares about.

his dad also owns a side-hustle called fables. it's a restaurant, but it's also a place for his dad to do his illegal business of selling whatever supernatural parts he has collected (and buying weapons, occasionally). jaejin is the current chef of the place. really enjoys cooking and treats it like a hobby, almost.

jaejin lost his mother to a werewolf hunt when he was 14. it kind of fueled him even further.

he also has a little sister, whom he was(/is?) very close to. she was also a hunter, but was presumed dead for a while after a hunting gig gone wrong. (surprise surprise, she's not dead, she's a werewolf.)

^ cue jaejin's mental crisis. he's currently still very actively hunting, but questioning it for the first time in his life. if he follows the code of conduct (made by his family!!), he would have to kill his sister. but can he do that? and if he doesn't, how could he justify killing other supernaturals?

he has a difficult relationship with his dad. he's the person jaejin has tried to please more than anyone in his whole life, but he's also horrible, kind of abusive and just doesn't care about anything other than the code of conduct. jaejin knows he would immediately throw him to the wolves (probably literally) if he found out jaejin has been keeping his sister a secret from him.

if you didn't get it yet, jaejin's whole basis of doing things is to protect people he cares about. he's the kind of annoying big brother who will literally follow you around to make sure you're not in trouble.

but he hardly admits things like that. the thing is, jaejin is very cold and aloof on the outside. he's even mean and intimidating a lot of the time. he will not really care if he says something hurtful if it's something he honestly thinks.

jaejin is very neat and organized. a little obsessively so, even (think levi from attack on titan). it takes a whole ritual to clean himself after a hunt. this obviously follows him on the hunts too, makes him very precise and particular.

he's pretty fond of knives as a weapon. or in general. maybe that's why he likes cooking so much? too bad they're pretty risky when it comes to killing supernatural beings, but i guess he prefers the challenge.

jaejin's other interests include metal music and skateboarding.

generally a smart guy. gets annoyed a lot by people, especially by them messing up. will clean up said messes if he cares even a little, though (because he's actually soft for people he likes. he just pretends so hard not to be, i hate him).

possible plots / connections???

(( this is for a new character, but i'll put it here anyways: his sister! i have tried to keep her pretty vaguely described if anyone would like to muse up a character from her, all i'm really after is someone born in '00-02. she was turned by the kang pack originally, but i suppose she could have left the pack afterwards. ))

little brother / sister figures. jaejin is a big brother in capital letters, and he would definitely "adopt" someone as his younger sibling, especially now since his relationship with his own sister is kind of difficult. i would also love this person to kind of hate jaejin looking after them so much without them asking.

enemies, especially supernaturals! maybe someone he has chased and hunted for a long time but has not been able to catch. maybe a fairy or gumiho purposely playing pranks on him to get him annoyed? maybe a werewolf who just loathes him because he's been targeting the werewolves so much??? anything!

a win-win relationship. maybe it's even a kind of hush-hush one, maybe a witch helping jaejin out in order to have him help out them in return? maybe they have a bit of a rocky start (jaejin especially), but they may warm up to each other eventually.

hunters! they could be frenemies, in competition with each other. maybe they'd casually help each other out?

your muse has saved jaejin one (or more) times. jaejin would hate that, because he's usually striving to save others. bonus points if your muse constantly reminds him of that. (this could be another hunter/human, but could easily be a supernatural too!)

any potential romantic connections! exes, fwbs, crushes... i do think it would be entirely possible for jaejin to "eye" someone even if they're a supernatural, especially if it's in a casual setting where he couldn't possibly be certain of them. ooor maybe someone is crushing on him and he's completely blind to it? or maybe he's even aware but just doesn't react, or reacts meanly?? i dunno, i do love a bit of romance even though jaejin is probably not the biggest romantic out there sldkfj.

angst. angst in any way and form. he could have hurt someone your muse loves, a family member, anything. he could be attempting to hurt you and then stops himself?? he could be mean but meaning well and your muse reacts badly?

i'm putting up a better plots page soon so be sure to check that out too because this was just me rambling! i'm up for anything!!! throw your suggestions at me, please and thank you. ♡

[ltcolonelcarter]

OKAY

so the idea of using cold and white as wasting away in AQOT. Talk about this and how and why this is.

is sixty who he is because of his circumstances (being Connor’s ‘replacement’, having a final mission, a questionable relationship with Amanda, and of course timeloop)? Or is there personality that existed before all this? <- I guess it’s the whole nature vs nurture question

do you have any personal experiences/emotions projecting onto the poor boy? Why torture him so? He needs a hug.

Will he get a hug?

a question of time on ao3 / director's commentary ask meme

buckle UP sunshine✨

any self-respecting quasi-academic subsections their work, so

i. cold + white + wasting away

rewe'll brass tacks this, shall we? I loved the seasonal changes in the garden in-game. so much of canon is visually stunning and loaded with imagery but I'm not convinced it's used purposefully - or if it is, I'm not sold on it being used effectively. so, like any reasonable person, i looked at cage's work and said "hey that's mine now".

itinsofar as AQOT goes, I needed an in that a reader would interpret as negative (on a sliding scale of severity, depending on context) and Sixty would breeze past, as least while he's more machinelike. so: unrelenting snow.

this doubles beautifully bc cyberlife, true to Evil Company tropes, uses a terribly cold and clinical colour scheme, so I could tie together a BUNCH of elements: the snowstorm; sixty dying and resetting the loop; cyberlife, and by extent its control over sixty; the real world, with its thin layer of snow over the life and chaos.

next layer: sixty, in all his ridiculousness, sees a lot of dichotomies where they don't exist. success vs failure, 'good' machine vs deviant, him vs connor - and he's drawn parallels between a few of them. the one I wanted to draw was deliberately erroneous: deviancy as equivalent to "being human" and remaining a machine as its (preferable, Proper and Correct) opposite. i don't think this is universal in terms of fan perception of deviancy but I'm not fond of a literal interpretation of 'become human', which is why i said it's erroneous. sixty considers deviating tantamount to losing part of himself instead of gaining agency over it. you can (hopefully) see this fear and suspicion manifesting any time he's near Hank because, quite aside from him stepping into Connor's shoes, he views human Hank as fundamentally opposite to him in nature. his last dichotomy: human vs android. to restate: warm vs cold. chaos vs order.

SO as Sixty becomes more self-aware, and more aware of his surroundings, he starts noticing this. and worse, he starts feeling it. i wanted something any reader would understand pretty intuitively, and something that blended well with canon - winter was perfect. not only is it cold, dangerous, and already present within Amanda's garden, but it's an environmental hazard for androids - something visual and visceral that could consume and destroy SIxty.

whether he sees it or not, Sixty's choice will always be between growth and stagnation. does he move past his obsessions and fears or does he let them eat him from the inside out? who's to say!

oh, a side note: sixty's irritation with connor gives him a fun sort-of not-quite parallel with Hank, whose substance abuse leaves him wasting away a little - mentally, if not physically - trying to avoid the things that cause him stress. Sixty's denial is similar but he's not avoiding grief so much as cognitive dissonance; in canon connor has several different paths that can remind Hank of who he used to be - Sixty is at every opportunity denying himself this because he has set himself as Connor's opposite. he cannot and will not let himself see connor as anything but a barrier... to his detriment.

ii. does sixty have a personality that existed before his mission, or is he a product of his circumstances?

ohohohohoho maniacal laughter

so I can't answer this fully because sixty is [ ch 8 spoilers redacted]

BUT. as a basis, I started by deciding that I wanted to lean into canon Sixty, that loose-hipped grandstanding fool who appeared to think he was better than Connor by grace of his existence. I took this version of Sixty as being a machine because I'm consistently treating deviation as a decision- androids as people regardless, but deviation meaning to break free of programming, to gain agency and choice. Sixty doesn't necessarily see deviancy this way because he doesn't necessarily perceive choice... the thought doesn't occur to him for a while. in the first few loops I tried to demonstrate this as reluctance to follow orders with overarching, gentle inevitability - he doesn't see an alternative, so it's just dread before he gets it over with. eventually this changes to sixty choosing to do whatever the hell he thinks is best but he's still stuck with the mission... for the most part. I can't continue this line of thought without hitting the red wall of my programming, so I can't tell you about [redacted]

bc I like taking liberties, I've let a BUNCH of influences run a lil wild with sixty. I want him to have the same base programming as Connor (for internal conflict reasons, and bc it fits the logic of the fic and grumbles a lil canon as well) but I want him changed by the fact he isn't Connor: consider the two as a binary star system, each caught in the other's gravity. quite aside from any other goings-on fic-wise, Connor's presence would have an impact on him - they are identical. why would cyberlife need two? and if they activated two, what's to stop them activating twenty more? even for machine!sixty, that's treading a LITTLE close to thinking about mortality and the nature of android existence. can't think about that for too long or he might start feeling fear.

we compound this by using amanda. I love her subtle cues with Connor in-game: her soft reassurance when he expresses doubts, her use of positive and negative feedback to praise and dissuade and show sharp disapproval. she's one of my favourite characters in that respect. in-fic Amanda handles Sixty the way she handles Connor - using his connections, his perceptions, to apply the right pressure and motivate him towards his mission. spoilers for ch 7 for the rest of this section (including tldr) all the stuff with Amanda is a bit one dimensional until we hit chapter 7. sixty's repeating stuff and not paying attention to Amanda beyond acknowledging her authority as a threat to him; up until chapter 7, Sixty thinks if she discovers that he's repeating the night over and over she'll decommission him as broken. his relationship with deviancy, with his own emotionality and choice, is somewhat stifled bc over all these loops he's performing - he was anyway, bc he's a fucking diva, but part of him was performing for her, so she'd think her latest RK800 was being a good little obedient soldier and he'd be free to proceed as he needed to break the repeating cycle. then we get to sixty managing amanda's expectations every bit as much as she's managing him.

tl;dr for this section is: all of the above. sixty has a personality when he starts, that's established from his base personality programming and his Amanda-given sense of superiority over Connor (your predecessor failed; you're my only hope). he gains more sense of personhood because the loops give him exposure to the same stimuli over and over, repeat and compound emotion and trauma. it's an eternal recurrence problem with a being who doesn't think he can feel and doesn't learn in the same way as a person. if you fancy it, ask me this question after the finale is live. I've a feeling there might be, uh, more to think about after I've revealed [redacted] and [also redacted].

iii. "do you have any personal experiences/emotions projecting onto the poor boy? Why torture him so? He needs a hug."

direct quote bc i'm cackling; in reverse order;

first: he does need a hug, bless him. I'm really putting him through the wringer.

second: he's fun, he's interesting, and I didn't get anywhere near enough mileage out of playing the cyberlife tower scenes in the game. I kept wondering what I'd find if i poked his brain and wiring. he was so different to Connor and so similar at the same time. what makes him tick? I needed to KNOW. so I put him in the washing machine on medium-high and I'm sat watching like a kitten who's never seen laundry before. that's all

third: this is INTERESTING, and the answer is yeah, actually, but not in any real overt way. I've some reasonably mild experiences with dissociation that inform the way I write sixty's experience - it's difficult to represent how an android would experience something like mental distress so I've drawn analogies with the things I know, even if the origin point is different.

similarly, I like a lot of queer folks had a period of time where my identity was a giant sackful of question marks, and that probably shows through... though it's more general feeling compared to one-to-one literal transference. it was a pretty unpleasant experience for a few reasons to be honest but it was interrogative and honest and, eventually, liberating.

I love exploring identity in itself, finding out what makes a person but also how they know or learn themselves, how their perception of themselves changes and evolves. in a way it is a personal reflection bc I have spent a lot of time wondering how external (societal, familial) expectations and norms are applied to me and which ones just don't fit with who I am or how I want to be, and Sixty does do that but in a very avoidant sort of way.

this question is making me rethink myself actually so we're going to stop before we get to me laying on a sofa somewhere

iv. will sixty get a hug?

oh, sweetheart.

no, he won't get a hug... but I'll give him a chance. the rest is up to him.

[morningmask27]

Back here to yap about my friend I love so dearly.

I made the painting I shared earlier for her because I am very unhappy with the one I made for her previously. She likes that old one and will never agree with my opinion on it and I understand why, but compared to other paintings I made for my other friends it is simply not on the same level of quality.

Normally I would've given it to her today (it is 3 am, leave me alone), but the class we have is cancelled because the prof is sick, so I'll only see her tomorrow and I think I'll give this painting to her Wednesday then. It's a more low-key class than the one we have tomorrow and if things go to plan we could maybe go to a restaurant with another friend and I could give it to her then. It would be way more pleasant than in class with all these other students imo.

But yeah, I already kinda know how she will react when I eventually give it to her and it will be very fun to point out the little Cicero I painted.

She has a bit of a hard time accepting gifts and always wants to give back in a way. We have a soon to be serious gimmick of Who Pays at a cafe when we go out together. She instinctively wants to do it, but so do I and we have bickered about it already. She paid thrice already, I did once and I think I'll really have to keep track to have it be a fair thing because we're both very stubborn and I love it.

I take pride in being a fucking annoyance when I feel like it's worth my energy. I'm very pliable most of the time because I don't care enough, but I can be very stuck in my ways when I feel like it's important and this paying when we go out to eat is absolutely something that will come up a few extra times, especially if we have to improvise a few study sessions without a room we can book. It's a silly game between us and I simply adore this.

I adore that this is what we bicker about; Who's going to pay for the other one. I simply adore how she's also stubborn and not going to make this an easy thing to manage. We are going to hang out more this year during and out of class and I'm intending to make the best out of it. I already did my best last year, I even made it a point to walk with my friends for as much as I could justify, even if it was literally on the opposite direction of where I live, just to spend a little more time with them. I went out of my way to support them before exams whenever I could (because I have them in a different room than they do) and was there at 9am a good few times to keep my friend from stressing too hard. We chat on Whatsapp too when we're not together irl and it's always so much fun.

She says that I'm intelligent and know many things, but I can only say those things because I've got someone amazing to talk to. I don't waste my breath on people I don't care about. All the moments we had together were amazing. She's so kind and respectful and cares so much. She did so much for me just by being herself and so kind. I was struggling so hard with this crush I developed on her at the same time my hand was acting up. I was afraid to lose her, overwhelmed by everything and I kinda avoided her to first see what was happening with my hand, but she reached out to me during those moments. She obviously couldn't know it kinda hurt more than it helped in the week and a bit if he'll I was going through, but once my hand was managed I sent her a message apologizing for acting like a coward for avoiding her and asking if we could meet up to talk.

I was afraid, I was done with these feelings, but I mostly wanted to be honest. I told her about the crush and told her she could do whatever she wanted about these feelings. I would listen to anything she wanted to do going forward. I put myself at her mercy with the one demand that she'd be honest and I was so, but so incredibly surprised when she was so understanding, and while she's in a relationship, she did care about me and wanted to stay friends. We then chatted for a few extra hours and I felt so much relief.

Now it wasn't everything because later in the month my feelings were back to haunt me violently, to the point where I modeled the main antagonist for a Cope Story I'm toying with on the maelstrom of feelings I was drowning in. The Bittercold will forever be a symbol of those feelings that followed me during the exam period.

During the exams I did my best to pretend nothing was going on, as is smartest to do when trying to cram for 9 hellish exams. But as soon as classes began again I was hit by those feelings and chaos again and my literature class was being extra hateful to me by assigning us Werther and Mme Bovary to read. Both were in love with someone who couldn't love them back and killed themselves and that was maybe not The Best thing to throw at me right then since I was still reeling from those insecurities I hid during the exams (and I have a history of suicide thoughts as soon as my mental health weakens enough).

I was going through hell right again, but again my friend and I talked and again I asked for her honest answer and again she answered that she truly wanted to be my friend and didn't just stay with me out of pity (a concept I have learnt to LOATHE after 18 years of misery at school. Everyone was kind to me, but I knew there was always an undercurrent of pity. I'm one of those Marked people that were prime targets for bullying, but I radiated such torment while being kind enough that I somehow avoided most of it, but still. I digress). This second bit of honesty was pretty much what founded our friendship so solidly. We can be honest with each other and we have talked about very dark topics that we both went through and we care for one another.

I can trust her, I can, and I have, go to her when things go extremely wrong for me, but also to have a fun time. We share a deep love for Rome and it's always fun to chat about these guys that cannot for the life of them shut up and we're also just both nerds and love books and we have a lot of things we end up talking about. From our school antics to the nonsense university throws at us to whatever those Greeks and Romans were up to (it is another running joke between us that she's scared of Ancient Greek because it's also a difficult language to learn and she has enough with Latin she says. I do tease her with not wanting to meet the aorist sometimes, but it's all lighthearted). I simply adore every moment I spend with her and I've even sent her a few messages directly to tell her as much. They are long and meandering and very rambly, just like this lol, but this is just how I feel about her. I care for her so much.

I am genuinely crying right now. I am so thankful to have met her, I am so thankful to spend all this time with her and I look forward to seeing her again tomorrow.

[ozarkthedog]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝

summary: the world crumbled before you could experience the touch of another. Joel does his best to keep you innocent for as long as he can.

pairing: Jackson!Joel Miller x afab virgin!reader.

warnings: 18+ mdni. established, undefined relationship. PUSSY RUBBING. fluids galore. just the tip. perv!joel. unspecified age gap. fingering. dirty talk. overstimulation. male masturbation. FEELS. Joel is a conflicted old man. reader is able bodied. no Ellie. w.c. 2.9k

an: i watched a porn clip and instantly went rabid thinking about jackson!joel.

-> follow up to a glimpse of heaven but it's not necessary to read the first part.

𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭 ⋅ 𝐅𝐢𝐜 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐬 ⋅ 𝐉𝐨𝐞𝐥 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭

Like most of Jackson, the house you share with Joel is quiet and calm when night falls. Rain softly patters against the window as you lie in bed, wide awake. Another night of fruitless sleep under your belt.

You huff irritatedly, your hand collapsing against the mattress as you bitterly kick your bedspread onto the floor. Your oversized shirt clings to your body, your skin dewy from the exertion, and you're close to crying. Your limbs are wrought and overworked after hours of touching yourself with no orgasm to show for it.

Your hand won't cut it; it isn't enough. It can't reach all those sensitive spots that make you float among the stars.

Warmth pools in your abdomen as you think of one that's the perfect size.

A hazy hue of yellow light pours under your bedroom door as it spills from the room across the hall.

Joel.

It takes a long time to get to know someone, but they tend to meld with your soul once you do in one way or another.

From the start, Joel was intimidating. He was so frayed around the edges that you were afraid he'd completely unravel in the middle of your journey. He didn't seem to care for your company as the two of you traveled across the plains to Jackson, hesitation poisoning every fiber of your being, but you kept on with the strange man since no one else was willing to trek across the states. You desperately needed a new life, a fresh start away from the Boston QZ, and Jackson sounded like the perfect spot.

Over time, Joel opened up, conversing little by little as you drove for miles across the now barren US. Usually, after you had a close call with raiders or the lone gunman, he'd go silent, the weight of protecting someone other than himself sinking further into his soul, consuming that much further.

What you never expected was for him to be your first touch.

Sweltering tension slowly grew like a wildfire. Catching each other's curious stares, lingering fingers, and salacious banter until, one night, he slid a cautious hand into your panties. He claimed your untouched sex when you confessed over a roaring fire and a bottle of whiskey that you'd never been with another. His weathered hands were gentle as he sunk his fingers into your core, watching with rabid fascination as you came for the first time, gasping from his touch.

The following day, as he drove you across the interstate with the sun slowly rising, he made sure you knew that wouldn't happen again. "I'm much too old. Don't wanna waste your time with a mean ol' grump like me."

You didn't bring it up again.

One month after settling into Jackson, picking bedrooms, and deciding who would do which chores, Joel had his first taste of you.

It wasn't supposed to happen.

You chewed your dinner slowly in the modestly sized dining room across from Joel. You were so lost in thought that he was concerned enough to ask what was wrong.

"What does it mean when a man eats you out?" you naively pondered, causing him to choke on his veggies.

Joel had never looked so red before as he took a long drink of whiskey. You instantly apologized, explaining that you overheard a group of women conversing while you tended the communal garden.

He raised a hand, curbing your frantic rambles. "S'ok. Figured you'd be learnin' things. Just didn' think I'd be the one you'd ask."

"But I trust you."

His jaw twitched at your words.  

Later that night, Joel fell to his knees at the edge of your bed and tossed your legs over his broad shoulders. "Never tasted a pussy so sweet," he mumbled against your glistening folds as you ran your fingers through his graying curls. You came multiple times on his tongue, grinding his whiskered jaw while he hungrily lapped at your soaked folds like he was dying of thirst.

You didn't bring it up again.

It's warmer in Jackson now. The sun hangs longer in the sky. Snow boots and jackets are stowed away until the next freeze.

You slink from the warmth of your bed and pad sockless across the hall. Lightening flickers brightly under the starry sky. The night rain storm slowly whirls through the city, soaking everything in its path.

Joel's door is open. A soft smile tugs at your lips; it's his way of saying he's still up. He keeps it ajar while he reads before rolling onto his side and bidding goodnight to the world.

Three soft knocks alert Joel from the guitar-building manual he's currently reading. Dread clouds his mind for a moment, wondering why you'd be knocking on his door at this time of night, but he takes a deep breath and grounds himself in the softness of his bed.

"Yeah?" he calls out. His tone is rough around the edges after a long day on patrol.

You poke your head around the door with a timid smirk. He looks at you over his reading glasses before marking his spot and laying his book on the side table.

You don't say anything as you stride into his room. He notices your oversized shirt swaying at your knees before you climb into his bed and curl against his side like a cat. 

He drapes an arm around your shoulder, unconsciously pulling you closer.

"'Nother bad dream?" he questions with a low rumble.

You shake your head. "Can't sleep."

You nuzzle your face into the crook of his shoulder and feel him nod, understanding the endless struggle for a night of peaceful sleep. It's improved since moving to Jackson, but the dreams never end.

Silence fills the bedroom except for the soft pitter-patter of rain against the roof. Joel leans against the headboard, sighs through his nose, and lets his thoughts drift. He's content to sit with you in his arms for as long as possible, even if that makes him selfish.

He wonders if you hope to find someone to settle down with, someone less ridged and mentally maimed, someone less him.

The thought drives a stake through his heart.

He'd be crazy to say he didn't love being around you. Your laugh and lopsided smile took the first brick out of his impenetrable fortress when you spied a deer and her calf frolicking in an open field in Kansas. From then on, it became easier for him to let his walls down.

When you came to him with those big doe eyes and urges about wanting to know what it's like to be touched and desired, he gave in each time despite his reasoning.

He would masturbate each time after getting his hands on you, also thinking about the early days when he'd catch glimpses of you changing or the time he first saw you naked while showering at the YMCA. 

He's still trying to figure out what to make of you. Friends? Lovers? He certainly didn't mean to fall head over heels. Love had no place in his heart, but he'd be a fool to say he wasn't extremely fond of you.

"Can you make me feel good again?" your lithe voice broke the silence.

Joel stops breathing. Your question doused him like a cold bucket of water. He knew this would come back and haunt him.

His hand curls tight around your shoulder as he wrestles with the devil on his shoulder. "Told ya we shouldn't keep doin' this, Sweetheart," he reasons, trying not to break your heart.

"But I can't make myself feel as good as when you've done it. I've tried!" You whine, burying your face into his chest.

"S'not that I don't wanna," he admits, soothing your soft cries. "S'just, you're too precious to do that wit' someone like me."

You lift your head and brazenly brush your lips against the exposed skin of his collarbone, earning a low groan as he curls a large hand around the back of your neck. He tugs you away from his skin, your lips still forming a tight 'O', and pins you with a stern gaze.

"Joel, it hurts." Your watery eyes and trembling bottom lip are his downfall.

"Lay back, Sweetheart, and spread your legs," he orders with a husky tone.

You don't make a noise; too afraid he'll stop if you do. Your cunt beats against the gusset of your panties as you lay on your back, spreading and bending both legs at the knee, just like he taught you.

A warm breath fans down your face as he shifts down your body before kneeling between your legs and tracing teasing fingers over your covered mound. His nails lightly scratch along the worn cotton, making you suck in a frantic breath. He slips a practiced hand beneath the crotch of your panties and deftly explores your folds, gently rubbing small circles on your clit after wetting his fingers with the arousal that's pouring from your cunt.

"Oh, she's achin' real bad, huh?" he groans as your opening clenches beneath his wandering touch.

"Joel, please, I need-" You gasp, hips wantonly grinding against his hand, desperate for any type of friction.

The muscles in his jaw ache. It's only natural you'd be wanting more.

Before he thinks twice, Joel draws his cock out from his sweatpants. Your stomach cramps at the sight as it smacks against his belly; he's massive.

His cock hangs heavy between his thighs like a solid, dangerous threat. It weeps from the dusky tip, shiny liquid dripping from the crown as he squeezes his hand around the girthy base peppered with dark gray, wiry hair.

"Got somethin' that'll make you feel good, sweet girl." he grits, tapping his cock against the covered crux of your pussy. It thwaps devastatingly against your clit, forcing a gasp from your lips as mind-numbing pleasure races up your spine and leaves you staring dumbly up at him.

"S'that what you need? Need my cock to keep 'er from achin so bad'?" his cock is searing as it lies in wait atop your panty-clad mound. You swear you can feel his blood pumping steadily into his shaft.

He cautiously thrusts his hips, sliding his length along your cotton-covered mound. Your slick arousal seeps thru the material, wetting the thin cotton and creating a sensuous touch as he glides along your cunt.

He shoves your shirt up over your chest, exposing your breasts to his hungry gaze. He licks his lips, "Such'a beauty."

Your cheeks flame at his words. Having such a man say things about you makes you lightheaded.

Joel groans as your panties practically are now see-through from your combined fluids staining the cotton, "Oh, baby." You whine at his pet name. "I got ya. Keep those legs open, just like I taught ya. S'good girl."

He keeps a steady pace, sawing back and forth over your extremely soaked mound. Your puffy pussy lips stick to the soaked cotton, leaving nothing to Joel's imagination. He glides easily along your slit, your juices smoothing his path until your arching your back and chanting his name like a prayer.

Watching you orgasm under his touch is enough to drive him wild. He throws all sense of logic out the window. He's okay with being selfish again.

"Let's get these off, yeah." He hooks two fingers under the elastic and slides your panties off before his words register in your euphoric haze. "Feel even better without 'em."

He swallows hard at the sight laid out before him. The sheets splay and curve around your naked body, making you look like an ethereal being sent to test his limits.

"Gonna give 'er a kiss, Sweetheart," his deep timbre vibrates your body as he draws close and touches the bulbous tip of his cock to your exposed folds. Blood rushes to your cunt instantly, bordering on the edge of pain. You cry out from the intense contact, and arousal slips freely down your crack as he traces his cockhead up and down your soaked slit.

"How's she feel?" He anchors his head, looking down at you from under his lashes.

"S'nice," you half whisper, half moan. The wanton bliss slowly consumes you the more he rubs against your sticky folds, keeping a hand locked around his girthy base, his crown glistening with your combined arousal.

Your eyes tear open, back arching like a bow, when he cants his hips and taps his cock square in the center of your cunt.

"M'not gonna fuck you, sweet girl, wanna keep you whole," he declares, holding true to his word despite the overwhelming need to claim you.

He can't be the one to sully you. "Ain' much left'a this world that's as sweet n' pure as you."

Your core quivers as his dusky, throbbing crown glides along your glistening seam. He tentatively explores uncharted areas, brows furrowed with concentration, fighting with inner demons who want to claim, corrupt, and mold you for only his touch.

His name leaves your lips with a mess of desperate, frustrated moans, "Please, Joel."

He snaps out of his haze. He's done almost everything he can to keep you safe and protected in this new way of life. He'll be damned if he doesn't grant you anything you ask for.

"S'hurtin' somethin' fierce, huh?" He grunts, angling his hips until his cock lines up with your fluttering hole. "Bet she needs somethin' big'er than fingers to ease 'er throbbin'."

His cock catches on your opening, forcing a hiss through his clenched teeth. As tight as you are, he can't stop from pushing into your warmth. He blocks out any sense of reasoning that's shouting from the back of his mind as he slowly nudges his cock into your weeping, inviting hole.

Joel goes brain-dumb momentarily, watching in immoral awe as your core ever so slowly swallows his fat tip and breaches your quivering hole, forcing a raspy whine from your throat.

So warm, safe, and wet.

Joel's never felt anything like you. He wants to bury himself, slide his cock as deep as he can, claim every inch, endlessly fill you with his cum, and keep you only for him.

You frantically reach for him, hands clutching the air as he rubs a callous thumb over your clit while keeping a steady hold on the base of his cock.

"S'all she's gonna get," he states, returning to his senses and hissing when your cunt tightens. "S'just the tip."

A soft begging whine bubbles from your lips as you extend your arms, needing something solid to hold before latching onto his wrists.

Your hips move on their own, desperate to feel his length completely shunted in your velvet warmth, but brute hands envelop your hips and pin them to the bed.

He shakes his head, salt and pepper curls fraying across his forehead. "Don' be greedy now." He tuts, narrowing his gaze down at you.

A garbled mess of nonsense tumbles from your lips as your fingernails dig into his muscular, hairy forearms.

"I know. S'big, huh?" He lands a solemn thumb on your clit, rubbing tender circles around the tiny bud. "Stay wit' me, sweet girl. Wanna feel you come on my cock."

Your mind spins. It's all too much, and yet, not enough. Your head tosses from side to side, and you're frantic to survive, breathing hard and fast, waiting for the drop to come and, at the same time, never wanting it to come.

"Don't I deserve it? Keepin' you safe all this time." Joel muses, stroking his cock in time with his teasing thumb. His eyes never leave where he's splitting you open. He's barely penetrating you, but it's enough to know if he had, you'd be struggling to take him.

"Come on, Sweetheart. Let go f'me," he urges, his touch growing faster. Severe, tightly drawn circles tease you closer to the edge.

Your stomach flips. A heaviness settles in your throat, your heart lodging in the tight confines, your blood pumping faster and faster. A lithe whine slithers free, escaping into the dimly lit room and burrows into Joel's mind.

His jaw clenches, and a dark growl rumbles from his chest, "Thatta' girl. Make'a fuckin' mess'a me."

Your dripping hole quivers and throbs around his swollen tip as you come with a silent scream, body locking taut, trying its best to engulf his length entirely.

Joel curses, jerking his length with long, steady tugs and rubbing his weeping, cream-covered tip around your soaked folds before his spine goes straight, and he yanks his cock from your core, curling in on himself and spilling his seed all over your belly with a deep, gravelly moan.

You sag into his sheets, spent with a shiny thin layer of dew and white ropes of spend painted across your abdomen.

"Shit." Joel curses, breathing heavily as he holds himself by his hands, which press into the mattress by your head, keeping you locked beneath him.

You hold his studious gaze. His dark eyes ruminate, tinged with mood, as his gaze drills down into your very core, threatening to demolish your soul. You resign that this was nothing special. Just another night you won't talk about again.  

Joel eases off of you with a grunt, his bones aching from the tension despite the brief, pleasurable relief, and tucks his cock back away into his sweatpants. He shuffles to the bathroom momentarily before returning with a damp washcloth.

He wipes the cloth over your belly and between your thighs, cleaning the combined arousal from your skin before chucking the rag into the hamper with a sigh.

"I know," you mutter, grimacing as you roll onto your side and sit up, tugging your shirt down. "I won't mention it again."

A solid, warm hand on your shoulder stops your retreat. "Stay," Joel whispers with soft, yearning eyes. "I wan' you to stay, sweet girl."

feel free to scream at me -> 💌

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