#wanted to minor in psych but never could get into classes

[avonnimimi]

❀·°∗✧🌸✧∗°·❀

Sativa

The Series. Part: 1 | 2 |

☥| a/n: It’s starting guyssss, for those who are wondering if i will be finishing plugged, i will, when i get inspiration for the next chapter, but this idea has been clouding my mindddd. Also there will be a key at the end for those who don’t understand weed terms lmao ;). @sultrydolli @sevyscoven @koipuddle MEN AND MINORS DNI

☥| content: drug dealer!ellie x reader, loser!ellie, mean!ellie, weed, college au, shy/innocent reader, peer pressure, cursing. lmk if i missed anything yall.

��If you want some good shit, check Ellie.”

The words looped in your head, over and over, like a mantra you didn’t want to believe. You’d never smoked weed before, but a lost bet meant you had to “break out of your shell.” The idea of it felt ridiculous, but here you were, psyching yourself up to approach her.

Ellie had been in your class for two months, maybe longer, but you’d never paid her any real attention. She sat in the back, hood up, earbuds in, half-hidden in her own world. You always wondered if she could even hear the lectures. But somehow, she still managed to be second in class; right behind you.

The thought of her being that sharp sent a prickle down your spine as you risked a glance her way.

The bell rang, jolting you out of your thoughts. Ellie was already packing up, her movements slow, like she wasn’t in a rush for anything. You scrambled to shove your things into your bag, but by the time you looked up again, she was already out the door.

You chased after her, but the pounding in your chest wasn’t just from the effort, it was nerves. Your footsteps slowed, hesitating, and you followed her at a distance like some awkward ghost.

Ellie turned a corner and slipped into the old bathroom no one used anymore. The one everyone said was haunted. A chill ran up your spine, stupid thoughts creeping in. Was she the ghost haunting it?

You shook your head, trying to snap out of it. Don’t be dumb.

You pushed the door open cautiously, immediately hit by the thick, pungent scent of weed. Smoke clouded your vision, making your throat burn as you coughed.

“The fuck…?” a voice drawled.

Ellie was on the floor with three others, a blunt pinched between her fingers. All four pairs of eyes locked on you, their expressions ranging from surprised to amused. You felt every ounce of your awkwardness sink into your chest like lead.

“Uh… Ellie? Can I talk to you?” you stammered, your voice barely louder than a whisper.

One of the guys nudged Ellie’s shoulder, grinning like he was in on some joke. She sighed, rolling her eyes before standing and flicking the blunt away. Her movements were lazy, almost bored, but the way her gaze landed on you made your stomach flip.

“What’s a girl like you doing here?” Her voice was low, teasing, and laced with mockery.

Your frown started to form, the urge to defend yourself rising, but one look at the sharpness in her eyes shut you down.

“I… I got dared to smoke. And they told me you had the best stuff,” you blurted, trying to keep your voice steady. You even threw on what you thought was your “tough” voice, but it fell flat under her amused stare.

Ellie’s laughter cut through the silence, loud and unrestrained. Her friends joined in, their chuckles stinging more than you cared to admit.

Heat flushed your face, and the embarrassment made you want to crawl out of your skin. You wanted to turn around, walk out, and pretend this never happened.

But then Ellie stepped closer, smirking down at you. “Alright, sweetheart. Let’s see if you can handle it.”

She grabs your hand and yanks you into one of the stalls, the door slamming shut behind you. From outside, one of Ellie’s friends lets out a sharp whistle, followed by a round of obnoxious clapping.

Ellie rolls her eyes, her voice lazy and drawn out. “Relax, guys. Goodie two-shoes aren’t my type.” Her words are slow, slurred, she’s definitely high.

And yet, they sting. Her dismissal settles like a weight in your chest, but before you can dwell on it, she’s already in motion.

She pushes you down onto the closed toilet seat and stands over you, close enough to feel the heat of her presence. A hand appears under the stall, clutching a small blunt. Ellie snatches it up, fishing a lighter from her pocket with practiced ease.

Your hands tremble slightly as she lights it. For a moment, you think she’s going to pass it to you. But no. She takes a deep, slow drag, her eyes narrowing as she holds the smoke. Then, without warning, she grabs your face.

“Open,” she commands.

You blink, confused, until she adds, “Your mouth.”

Hesitant, you do as she says. She sighs, annoyed, exhaling the smoke she’d been holding. It slips out between her lips, wasted. She takes another drag, leaning in closer this time.

Your heart stutters, thinking she’s about to kiss you. But instead, she exhales directly into your mouth, her breath thick and heavy with smoke. She pulls back and gestures for you to close your mouth and inhale.

You try, you really do, but it catches in your throat. The result is a violent coughing fit that sends Ellie into a fit of laughter.

“Cute,” she mutters under her breath, her voice low and teasing.

You’re already lightheaded. The stale, heavy air in the bathroom is thick with smoke, the whole space a makeshift hotbox. Your head feels cloudy, your limbs loose.

“Here,” Ellie says, her tone softer now. She explains how to inhale, demonstrating again. This time, when she leans in and blows the smoke into your mouth, you get it right.

It hits fast. Your brain buzzes, your body hums. You look up at her, and before you can stop yourself, you smile.

Ellie smirks, her eyes flickering with something you can’t quite place. “Not bad,” she murmurs.

Ellie doesn't stop. Every drag she takes, she's blowing it into your mouth, and you're inhaling it like it's the only thing keeping you alive, even though your head is spinning, and your chest feels heavy. But it's her; you can't stop. Her lips so close, the heat of her breath, the way she watches you like she owns you.

You're barely holding it together, blinking slow, lips parted, breath shaky. "You good?" she mutters, low, almost teasing, as she pulls you to your feet. Your legs give out, and you stumble straight into her, your forehead against her shoulder, her hands gripping your arms to steady you.

That's when you notice the quiet. Her friends are gone. It's just you and her, and she's holding you there, grounding you, even as your body feels like it's slipping away.

You nod, maybe too fast, too shaky-and push off her, your body betraying you as you shove past and out of the bathroom. The hallway tilts, or maybe it doesn't. You're swaying but not moving, weightless and heavy at the same time. Your palms are damp, but your skin tingles like electricity's running through it.

When you finally collapse onto your bed, it's like the world won't stop spinning, and you don't want it to. It's good, so good, and every thought crashes back to her. The way she leaned in, her lips so close it hurt, the smoke curling into your mouth like a promise.

You walk down to the dorms, and when you finally collapse onto your bed, it's like the world won't stop spinning, and you don't want it to. It's good, so good, and every thought crashes back to her. The way she leaned in, her lips so close it hurt, the smoke curling into your mouth like a promise.

Your thighs clench on instinct, heat pooling low, spreading through you.

You bite your lip, the sound escaping before you can stop it.

"F-fuck."

You'd never done it before.

Masturbating wasn't something you thought about. Sure, you'd been turned on, watched some porn, kissed a boy once, but touching yourself?

Never. It always felt unnecessary. Until now.

The throbbing between your legs feels like it's everywhere, spreading through your whole body, hot and consuming. Even the press of the bed against your back feels too good, and your panties-god, they're pressing against your clit just right, the pressure making your hips twitch.

You don't even realize you're panting, shallow and desperate, until the door swings open. Your roommate, Nelly, struts in like it's nothing. "So, how'd it go?" she asks, but she stops mid-step, taking one look at you. Her lips twitch like she's trying to hold back, but then she bursts out laughing, loud and shameless.

Her laugh snaps you out of it, and somehow, you're laughing too, your cheeks burning. "Ellie's got you so fucked, bitch," she wheezes, doubling over, tears in her eyes.

"Please-just shut u-up," you stammer, your voice cracking horribly, which only makes her laugh harder.

You bury your face in your hands, but you're grinning, too, heat flooding every inch of you.

The rest of the night is a blur; heat, laughter, and Ellie's name playing on repeat in your head.

—————————————————————————

this is my original post, please don’t repost, translate, or plagiarize my work ;)

©️avonnimimi 2024

[a-a-a-anon]

absolutely fascinated by young dee who is criminally under-discussed so here is my dissertation on what happened in her college years (ft. dr. gainer, setting her roommate on fire, being institutionalized)/my idea for a fic that I will almost certainly never write/my way too serious take on a few throwaway dee lore lines

timeline background: we know that dee majored in psychology ('charlie got molested') and got "three fourths" of the way in (meanwhile dennis finished his psych minor.) assuming this was a four year program, I'm gonna guess that in her third year she got institutionalized and most likely had to drop out ('gun fever too: still hot'.) we also know that she had her back brace until she was twenty ('underage drinking'), so I'm guessing that means she got her back brace off in her third year.

we know that dennis fancied himself a psychologist since he was young, but I think dee did too. in particular I think she was wary and interested in her brother's psychology; she seems very aware of his psychopathy and bpd in 'making dennis reynolds a murderer' and 'psycho pete returns.' in my head she's been interested in dennis' psychology since they were kids and she saw him snapping crows necks. so instead of forcing her way into acting school, she studied psychology to better understand her brother (and also deep down, herself, who is very much the other side of the same fucked up coin.) it also meant she could tell herself she could study her characters even better when she became an actress.

i think she put in (her version of) genuine academic effort to get in, fuelled kind of by spite (remember the way she studied that thick medical book in 'hero or hate crime' or her very quick math in 'boggs: ladies reboot'). she studies books and gets cricket to quiz her and she still fails to get into penn. but frank always pitied her (i think she was his favorite of the twins-remember "let your sister into the gang", "that's my girl!", "i'm sorry the grift didn't work out, sweetie") so he shells out cash to get her in, but also to get her away from home so he has to deal with her even less.

dennis wants to do anything dee does but better and he wants to keep her close by (to watch her crash and burn, and also because he's weirdly possessive-see 'the gang broke dee' "i'm your select!"). and obviously he's barbara's favorite. so barbara gives him money to get in too. she also gets him into a frat and pays for his classes and his rent and everything he needs. dee has to live in a dumpy dorm with a female roommate.

but college presents dee a chance to moult her previous place in life where she was known as a monster (remember how insistent she was that "people can change!" in 'franks pretty woman'. I think dees always wanted to believe she can shed that feeling she's inferior, but she never has). in my head her female roommate is basically normal-has real friends of her own, mentally stable, attractive-which is exactly what dee craves. dee wants to be popular and well liked and she wants to infiltrate her roommates life, imitate her, be in the Cool group. and she places all her hopes on a friendship with the roommate but dee has never navigated real female friendships before, not with someone like her. deep down she also wishes she found what dennis found in mac, whatever it was, because ever since dennis met mac he's never been as close to her. and i do think dee is some flavor of queer. and the roommate is well liked in the way that dee admires and envies. so there is that blurriness between wanting to be her and wanting to be with her. in my head her roommate looks like the woman from dee's fantasy in 'the gang saves the day' (and they both represent that promise of escape from dee's shitty life).

dee is so desperate for the roommates approval and her love and her life that she goes insane, copying and flattering and competing with her. ever the shitty actress, she tries to emulate her, but comes off as manic and creepy. and maybe her roommate is nice enough to not completely shun her, recognizing that she's struggling. maybe in dees mind they actually are becoming friends when her roommate asks things like "are you okay?"

and dee has to talk about her plan with dennis because he's the only person who would Get It. and she makes it sound like it's almost working. dennis feels jealous and worried and threatened that maybe dee might actually be seen as normal, especially when she gets her back brace off in the third year. so dennis fucks her roommate, more of a show that he owns and controls each and every pathetic part of dee’s life than anything else. and so that dee knows she'll never be as good as him, she'll never as easily charm people as dennis does. (or at least he tells her he does).

to prove that To Someone dee is Good Enough, and so desperate for attention, dee (who's been groomed all this time) enters a sexual relationship with her professor dr. gainer. she tells herself she has the power in it, that she seduced him ("he didn't molest me. i had sex with him 'cause i wanted to.") and she has a mental break, because the thing she told herself held her back from being loved (her back brace) is finally gone by now and yet she still feels like a monster, and the only scrap of "love" she can get is from her professor.

and then she can't take the fact that she can steal her roommates clothes, can emulate her sexual prowess (in dee's own fucked up, delusional way), and still neither be well liked like her nor be loved by her. so maybe dee will always be a monster. so dee tried to burn her roommate in her bed, because she represented the promise of change and popularity, and that promise was a lie and dee's effort was for nothing. and she's institutionalized.

and i think there was kind of a falling out between the twins and their parents, because barbara wants to abandon dee but dennis can't help but visit her. and frank doesn't even step foot in a place that reminds him of his traumatic childhood, and avoids dee even more than he used to because she is his childhood mirror image. so the family becomes even more fractured and estranged.

and maybe dee becomes medicated and slowly crawls her way halfway to normal by the first season (her acting classes are so well-adjusted, taking part in healthy hobbies of her!). until her father comes back into her life and everything falls apart <3

side note, even though dee is crushingly lonely-"I just got a cat 'cause I wanted something to hang out with. I don't have, you know, a roommate or anything, and I don't really have anyone to talk to..."-AND she struggles to pay rent whenever frank cuts her off, i hc that she refused to ever get a roommate in particular female roommate again after this because both her internalized misogyny got worse and she was afraid of what would happen (what she would do) again.

[itsthestutterforme]

Touch Starved (Best!Friend!Ari x black!reader)

Summary: It’s been a year since your boyfriend, Steve, passed away. You chose to stay celibate ever since his passing, and you’ve accepted the fact you were touch starved. But when there’s a lesson on it in your psychology class, you learned more about yourself than you realized. You learned a little bit about your best friend, Ari, too.

Notes: GIF is not mine, all mistakes are my own, sexual themes (oral sex, shower sex, allusions to sex, overstimulation, touch starvation), MINORS DNI!!

**

Folding your arm at an awkward angle, you rested your chin on the back of your forearm as wrote your notes with your IPad stylus for your PSY 101 class.

“That can’t possibly be comfortable,” your best friend Ari stated, looking at you as if you grew two heads.

“First of all, fix your face.” You gave him a side eye before you continued writing.

“And secondly?” He sparks.

“And secondly- it is very comfortable.”

The professor continued, “Touch starvation. While it is a prognosis disclaimed from medicine, there is trace evidence of its existence. In most cases, it initiates from a long duration of abstinence. In some cases, it can be as short as six months.”

Ari glances over at you calmly writing your notes, hoping that he isn’t somehow giving himself away. He hasn’t been with anyone for the past seven months.

He didn’t find a point. No one could distract him from the fact that he was in love with you.

The boys in his frat thinks he spends the weekend hooking up with random chicks in his classes.

When really, he spends his weekends binge watching Love Island and doing spa days with you.

He would never live it down if his frat brother knew. But truthfully, he could care less if they find out.

“Touch Starvation tests the fine line between desperation and overstimulation. When you’re touch starved, it drives you to become desperate for human touch and connection,”

Ari noticed you stopped writing and looked up at the professor as he continued. Your slowed blinking tells Ari that you were dissociating.

“But if a connection is a second too long, it overstimulates your sense pushing you to escape. Which still doesn’t change one fact: you still want that connection. It truly does push your psyche to its breaking point, which segways into tonight’s homework,”

Ari touches your hand gingerly, snapping you out of your thoughts. He takes note that you don’t move your hand away from his.

“Are you alright?” He questions.

“Hm? Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.. did you write the homework down?”

“It’s right here,” he pushes his agenda towards you so you could write down the homework assignment.

A writing prompt entailing which areas you are touch starved.

Just perfect, you thought to yourself.

Ari waits patiently for you to start packing up first before he did. You bit your lip as you slid your iPad into your backpack, a tell sign that you were overthinking.

He lets you in front of him as the two of you wait in line to leave the classroom.

The two of you didn’t talk much the entire five minutes it took to get to your dorm room.

“Okay, spill.” Ari states, tossing his backpack on the ground and flipping your chair backwards to sit down in one fluid motion.

“There’s nothing to spill,” you said, still biting your lip as you attempted to take your IPad from your backpack.

Standing from the chair, he took your backpack from your hands and set it on the ground.

“You know you can at least try to make it sound convincing,” He retorts, crossing his massive arms across his chest.

“Do you think you’re touch starved?” He asked after a few moments of silence, causing you to sigh.

“I know I am. But it’s my choice to be this way.” You sat on your bed, folding your hands in your lap.

“Your choice?” Ari repeats as he joins you on the bed.

“I know I’m never going to find a love like I had with Steve. I’m lucky to even experience a love like that in the first place. Men like you and Steve are rare. Believing that I’ll find something like that again is just setting myself up for disappointment.”

“What, so you’re just going to give up on finding love?” He wanted to kick himself for getting riled up.

“Honestly? Yeah, I have.” You start, Ari’s heart clenches in his chest.

Maybe he didn’t have a chance after all.

“It‘s not necessarily a bad thing. Being single seems to be the end of the world for some people. But for me, it’s liberating.”

“It’s not liberating if you’re touch starved though, right?” Ari says cautiously.

“It’s better than hopping from relationship to relationship, trying to fill a void that I know I won’t fill.” You said with a sigh, leaning your back agains the bed.

Ari lays down next to you with a sigh of his own. “Can I.. tell you something?” You hesitate, turning your head to face him.

“Anything,”

“Every night, I would hold my face the way Steve used to. It helps me fall asleep.”

“How did Steve used to hold your face?”

You sat up and looked at him a moment. You weren’t sure what you were waiting for, you guess you to see if he was joking or not.

He slowly sits up, waiting for you to say something. Say anything.

When you don’t, he says, “You don’t have to. Sorry I-“

You lifted your hand and gently pressed your palm to the side of Ari’s face, his beard felt soft against your skin.

Caressing the apple of his cheek, Ari wanted to shut his eyes and relish in the feeling of this intimate moment.

But his eyes remained set on you. Adjusting your hand on his face, a breath hitched in his throat when you moved closer to cradle the other side of his face in your hands.

You let out a shaky sigh when you gently ghost your thumb over his smooth lips.

“That’s how he used to hold me.”

You had to pull away. You needed to. But you couldn’t. And neither could Ari.

“I.. need to tell you something, Y/N/N.” He starts, pulling your hands away from his face and taking them into his warm hands.

But before he could say anything else, the door jiggled. Something that your roommate did to give you a warning before barging in.

Although you told her you had no interest in bringing a guy home, she still did it.

You suppose this time, you appreciated it. Jumping up from the bed, you brushed a few curls out of your face.

Unable to meet his gaze, you grabbed your backpack from the floor and scrambled to look as normal as possible.

Ari took your chin between his thumb and pointer finger. His soft gaze made your heart skip a beat.

“We should have a talk,”

“We should,” you agreed.

**

“You feeling okay?” Ari questions when he walks into your dorm room shirtless with his black sweatpants hanging low on his waist, his V line peeking from his waist band.

You heard a few girls giggling in the hall but Ari didn’t pay them any mind. “Hey, Ari. There’s a-“

“Not interested,” Ari closes the door before they had a chance to get closer.

You pressed your lips together to hold back your smirk. You had no idea why you were smirking in the first place.

“Y/N,” “Hm?” “I said were you feeling okay?” Your heart skips a beat in your chest when you see Ari removing his towel from his shoulder and exposing his bare chest.

“Uh, yeah I’m fine. Help me pick a movie, Aladdin or Princess and the Frog?” You said, changing the subject.

“Princess and the Frog,” he determines, climbing into bed with you. You pressed play on the movie and sat up against the window sill.

“You know they were probably going to invite you to a party,” “I don’t care about parties,” he said with a sigh, cocking his head as he sat up on his elbow.

“You’re in a fraternity. You’re supposed to care about parties,” “Fraternities are over rated,”

“Then why did you even join one?” “I thought it would add enough charisma to get you to fall in love with me,”

You thought he was serious at first but when he cracked a smile, you rolled your eyes at his antics.

“You’re such a dick,” you said, shoving his shoulder. The A/C unit on the ceiling kicks on and blows consistently cold air directly onto of you.

You slide under the covers and Ari wrapped an arm around you, pulling your body directly into his chest.

You sucked in a breath when his hand finds your stomach. His warmth radiating off of him felt like a furnace.

The movie continued to play and neither of you said anything. This wasn’t the first time he’s come over and held you.

The two of you came to an agreement a week ago and now, every day after his rugby practice, Ari came over.

But you couldn’t help your heart racing in your chest. Especially since you could feel Ari looking at you as you watched the movie.

“How long are we going to pretend there’s nothing here?” Ari finally questions and you slowly stir in his arms.

You didn’t miss his gaze flicker from your eyes down to your lips before meeting your eyes again.

“I’m not pretending,”

You’re lying through your teeth, and he knows that. “Oh yeah? Then why is your heart racing?”

“Because of that,” you stated, motioning to his shirtless glory. “And why would this make you nervous unless you were attracted to it?”

“God, would you stop asking valid questions, please?” Ari chuckles at your nervousness, causing you to huff.

“This isn’t funny,” you added softly, covering your face as you lay back down on the bed.

He pulls your hands away from your face and took your face into his hands.

He rested his forehead against yours and waited for you to exhibit anything that showed him you didn’t want this.

He was surprised when you closed the gap between you and pressed your lips to his.

He tangles his fingers into your hair to pull you closer and you gasped when he nipped at your bottom lip, giving his tongue access.

He brings one of his hands away from your face and gripped the edge of your bed.

Your lips fell into sync with his, you could still taste the toothpaste from when he brushed his teeth moments before.

You find yourself pulling away from him a moment and his eyes searched yours. “I-I’m.. Do you want me to leave?”

His eyes darken when your hands trailed up his arms and down his toned back muscles.

“No, I don’t want you to leave.” “What do you want* me to do?”

“What do you want to do?”

He looked at you for a few seconds before looking down at your waist. He looked back up at you, asking a silent question.

“Are you.. asking if you can eat me out?”

“Yes,” he lets out a breath.

“Is that something you think about often?” “I think about it every day, yes.”

“Every day?”

“Please,”

Is he begging right now?

“Okay,” you lifted your hips up and pulled your shorts down your legs. You moved to take off your panties but he stopped you.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” You nodded and he parted your legs, sliding between them.

He gripped your chin and pressed a long kiss on your lips, gasping into your mouth when you scratched down his back.

“You keep doing that and I won’t be able to contain myself.” So you did it again, harder this time.

Before he could stop himself, he wrapped his hand around your throat and pulled you close so you were nose to nose.

“Sorry,” you gasped out, wetness stained through your panties. He taps your cheek with his index finger as a warning before pulling away and leveling himself with your core.

Looking to you one last time, you nod and he pulls them down your legs, tossing them somewhere in the room.

He kisses the swell of your thighs, propping your legs over his shoulders before he flattens his tongue between your folds.

He laps at your clit each time he licks up your stripe. Your legs were already starting to shake as you quickly neared your orgasm.

It was to be expected, considering you didn’t have sex for over a year. But it was still embarrassing nonetheless.

You clenched your stomach muscles as an attempted to hold back your orgasm and closed your legs around his head.

He groans in annoyance, spreading your legs all the way and roughly suck at your clit until you were convulsing.

“Ari,” you whimpered, pushing at his head when he continued to lap up your juices once you’ve came down from your orgasm.

He pulls away from you, finally giving you a chance to breathe. Sitting up on his knees, he watches your chest move with deep heaves and his gaze fell back to your pussy.

And suddenly he felt the impulse to go back down.

Readjusting himself in his sweatpants, he licks his lips to reminisce your taste.

“You okay?” He questions.

“I can’t believe I came that fast,” you said, looking up at the ceiling.

“I mean, that’s normal considering.” He responds.

His voice was an octave lower than usual and it made a gush of wetness made its way down your thighs.

Your body was responsive. Responsive to him. And Ari loved every bit of that.

**

“Dude where have you been?” Trent asks, sitting down next to Ari in the dining hall.

“I’ve been at practice dude,” “And what? They have overnight practices now?” Trent prods.

When Ari doesn’t respond, Trent huffs and rolls his eyes. “Whatever dude. There’s a meeting tonight at 6:30, and if you’re not there, Sam will have your ass.”

“I’ll be there. Relax, man.” Ari states, pretending to read a textbook he had open when he was really watching some guy come up to you at the salad bar.

Once Trent leaves, Ari goes back to watching the entire interaction.

“Hey, you’re one of the supervisors for the training center, right?” The man asks, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, I am.”

You picked up a bowl and used the prong to put lettuce on the bottom.

“Alright, so I’m failing CHEM 212. A buddy of mine said that you helped bump his grade up like 10 points. So I was wondering if you could do the same for me.” He explained, taking a step closer to you which made Ari’s eyes narrow.

“Oh, I don’t tutor anymore. I’m a supervisor now, so I just oversee the tutors that currently work at the center. I can make a suggestion, if you want.”

“No, I don’t want a suggestion. I want you.”

Once Ari sees you take a step back from the man, he jumps from his seat and weaves through the tables until he reached you.

When he got close enough to you, he heard the man say, “Look, why can’t you just make an exception and tutor me?”

“Because she made it clear that she didn’t want to. No means no, dick.” Ari says from behind you.

“What the fuck did you just say?” The man says.

You use the counter top to stabilize yourself. You’re not sure how you’re walking around right now. Not after Ari had his way with you in the shower, not caring if anyone could walk in.

Only to carry you back to your dorm and flipped you over so he could eat it from the back. All before your PSY 101 class.

“You heard what I said the first time,” Ari closes the gap between him and the guy.

He waits until they were chest to chest.

“That’s my girlfriend. Show some fucking respect.” He adds.

“My bad bro, I really need to pass the semester.”

“You should have thought about that before you were an asshole,” Ari states, taking your hand into his and walking the two of you back to the table.

“What?” Ari says when he catches you looking at him once the two of you sat down.

“You called me your girlfriend,” you said, popping a cherry tomato in your mouth.

“Let’s be honest, sweetheart. You became my girlfriend the minute l found out how you tasted,” he eyes you as he takes a swig of his Coke.

He didn’t miss the way you pressed your legs together when he licks his lips after sipping his drink.

He leans closely to ask, “Did you want to take the salad to go?”

[fortheloveofarchons]

How A Fish Finds Solace (from Ao3)

Where you are in a psych evaluation session with Anya, and she brings up Captain Curly. Full chapter on ao3 down below!

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The next few days are blurred together as your body is laid in your own bunk, the world outside of your own sleeping quarter fading into insignificance. You barely registered the soft knocks on your door or the muffled voices from what sounded like your fellow crewmates. Occasionally, you would rouse yourself up enough to grab a bite of food or use the facilities, but for the most part, you remained a prisoner of your own misery. 

Why did I do that?

Why didn’t I apologize earlier?

God, he hates me… He definitely hates me now…

Why can’t I just– Fuck…

It wasn’t until the fourth day when you look at your planner that sits on the small nightstand, where it reads, ‘Schedule to meet nurse for psych eval’. 

As much as you wish to avoid all of this… You can’t just refuse a nurse’s order. 

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

“So far, so good.” Nurse Anya flips through your answers on the paper. “No signs of any negative responses.” 

Your eyes inadvertently gazes to the pinboard on the wall, where multiple types of papers and posters are plastered up. A calendar planner, random doodles, polaroid photos, some watercolour paintings, and brochures about mental health are pinned to the pinboard. All of those just made you reminisce about high school, about the times whenever you’d go see the nurse’s station from your minor injuries during P.E. classes.

Your eyes stare at the words on one of the beige-coloured posters with flowers on, and it seems like it has something to do with anxiety.

You are enough.  

All feelings are valid. 

You are valid. 

You will be alright. 

Not all thoughts are true. 

You are not alone.

This feeling will pass. 

You are not a burden. 

This does not define you– 

“Co-pilot?” Nurse Anya’s voice brings you back to reality. “Are you alright? You weren’t hearing my question.”

“Oh, sorry,” You rub the back of your neck, a cheesy habit you wish to get rid off. “What was your question again?” 

Anya sets the paper down with a sigh. The way she sighs sounds… soft? Well, at least it doesn’t sound like a frustrated sigh. Wait, why do you feel relieved about this? 

“I was asking if everything is okay.” Nurse Anya asks again. 

“Well, I feel better-ish.” You muster up a reply, shrugging your shoulders. “I wouldn’t worry too much– I mean, you don’t have to worry too much about me.” 

You could tell that Nurse Anya was trying as best as she could to help you, and you appreciate that a lot. Any doctors or nurses or psychologists without a greedy conscience would wish that their patients are physically and mentally safe. 

She wanted you to be happy, normal, maybe even finding out that you’re a secret virtuoso– and it’s also because you’re also the co-pilot of Tulpar, which means that you definitely cannot go balls-to-the-walls insane when you have (almost) all the power to control the ship and definitely does not want your Captain to suffer as a burn victim– 

But you’re not, and still am very much not unique or interesting. 

So during your psych evaluation sessions with Nurse Anya, you’d pretend that you were on a breakthrough of some behavioural psychology analysis that you most definitely did not read that from Nurse Anya’s collection of psychological textbooks and articles. 

Literally anything other than you coming home from working part-time jobs and playing otome games in the comfort of your room in the past.

Any other mediocre response would’ve disappointed the poor nurse terribly, and maybe that’s why you are the way you are to this day: So anxious for colleagues and friends to admire a version of yourself that you will never be. Sad.  

You were not an extra talented child, you were the girl who preferred living a chill, mundane life, away from the harsh corporate greed. Your father, disappointedly, described your pace as a “gentle meander”, while your siblings’ paces are like large, unkind waves in terms of their academic and work goals. 

Now today, you were waiting for Nurse Anya to finish this session as soon as possible. At least she doesn’t ask you to linger on your trauma and draw upon your sufferings. 

“Okay, since you have not established any concerning or negative characteristics.” She sets the pen down on the table, her clipboard still in her hand. “Is there anything else you’d like to talk about today?” 

You’re not quite sure which method is right. So, pretending that you’re Captain Curly, you roll your die and lie. 

“I feel better with each session,” You muster up a smile. “Maybe it’s ‘cause you’re the one in charge, Nurse Anya.” 

“Oh, stop it.” She lets out a soft laugh, and her next sentences slowly ends on a hesitating tone. “I’m glad I could help. Not to rush you, but if you’re feeling up to it I thought today… we could discuss about you and Captain–” 

“No.” 

“Curly.” 

“I… No.” 

At this point, you could count her sighs with both of your hands. 

“I understand that this is personal between him and you, but the other crew members, including myself, are worried.” Nurse Anya is as well-meaning as she always is. “We don’t want any more conflict to happen on the Tulpar, especially after that… news. I could see the look on your face… that you wish to not speak about this nor resolve it. But if not now, when?” 

You can’t. 

When she brings him up, all you could think about is how hard you try to not think about Captain Curly. How much you miss him. How much every day without interacting with him hurts. How bright and cute his smile is to everyone. How he always knows the right words to say. How much you hate… 

Damn it. 

Is hate even the best word to say? 

“I know where you’re coming from.” You reply back to her. “I just… I do want to go back to the way things were.” 

“You still have a chance, Captain Curly is always here to talk, after all.” 

Like a reminder, his words rung in your mind. 

I know you’re better than this, co-pilot… Or at least I thought I did. Get out of my sight.

“...Maybe. I’ll talk to him for you guys, and for us.” 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/61450888/chapters/158204839

Edit: Not sure why I can't put my ao3 link as usual but you can find this from the title of the fic!! So sorry for the inconvenience!!

[lareynaderucorazon]

minors dni - long smut

Obsessed Male x Overweight Reader

X had dated various people before of all different appearances. He's dated a 6'3 muscular woman, or a 5'5 man with tattoos, even an average height coquette girl. However, they all had one thing in common, they were all of proportionate weight. That's why he was so surprised when (reader) made his head turn with such velocity that he audibly heard his neck pop. Now he never discriminated against people who were overweight, but he just coincidentally never found himself dating one.

It started with a small fascination, then it snowballed into a full-on obsession. He loved seeing her in all of her outfits, but his favorite one was that tight black skirt she would wear. He would have to physically pry his eyes off of her legs, before taking several pictures from different angles. Grunts, groans, and needy whines were all that would leave his room later that day as he would desperately hump his pillow to said pictures, spending hours imagining fucking (reader) in that tantalizing skirt.

God, the way his eyes would roll to the back of his head at the mere thought of tasting her on his tongue. He would watch videos on eating pussy, quickly gaining the courage to practice so he could spend the whole day in between (reader)'s thighs. Don't even mention face sitting to this man because the image would be forever grained into his mind.

He was so needy for her that he even found out her favorite lipgloss, purchasing it along with a custom fleshpocket in the shape and skin tone of her lips. He would put the lipgloss on them, and spray the perfume she wore everyday on his sleeve as he fucked the fleshlight silly, dreaming of her.

He legit almost fainted when he noticed she has a tongue piercing. A million scenarios immediately started flurrying in his mind and he had to wait until the room was empty before he could rush to the restroom.

His twitter feed was now filled to the brim with nothing but porn from overweight Latina camgirls.

This man is so in love that he even started learning how to cook food from her country of origin. He would spend weeks perfecting his recipes, making sure they were divine for when he married his beloved (reader).

He would sit close to her when she was talking to her friends, recording her voice and listening to it all night, tracing hearts over his chest and pretending it was him that she was conversing with.

X would go shopping for her, giddily parading around pictures of his "girlfriend" to employees, asking what makeup and outfits would suit her the best. Of course, he would buy stuff he wanted to see her in as well. He stored all of the gifts in his closet, ready to be gifted to her whenever he finally starts dating her.

Eventually the faraway longing looks were no longer enough. He wanted to be able to touch her, and not as a stranger who would be labeled as a creep. He felt the intense urge to burrow his nose where her neck and shoulder met, inhaling her perfume instead of catching whiffs of it when she passed by him. He wanted to kiss her lips until he could remember every curve and crevice.

So he devised a plan. He had one of your friends in one of his classes. He got close to her and found out she had a boyfriend. Perfect. He thought to himself. They continued to get closer, as friends of course, and eventually (reader) started seeing more and more of X, just as he planned. Soon he was a main member of your friend group. The close proximity to you almost fried his brain.

It was finals season which meant dead days, and (reader)'s friend group had a tradition of having a sleepover, which he was now invited to. He was even more psyched once he found out it was your turn to host. The thought of being in a room that smelled like nothing but you turned his brain to sludge and he couldn't contain himself from sniffing your pillow. He found himself in eternal bliss when (reader) sat next to him after her shower. She just smelled so fucking good. His favorite memory of the night being watching (reader) sleep so peacefully in her adorable pajamas. He even managed to kiss her cheek which made him fall asleep with a huge grin on his face.

Given all that, he couldn't believe the predicament he was in now. He was breathing heavily, his throat dry, and he was slightly shaking.

"Sorry, um, could you repeat that?"

(reader)'s face flushed red and she looked down, trying to hide her flustered face. Actions that made X's heart throb.

"Would you umm... can you take my virginity. Please." (reader) whispered the last part.

X's heart leaped to his throat. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe his ears, he couldn't believe this was happening. He thickly swallowed the lump in his throat. 

"Are-"

He had to stop to take a break, his voice quivering.

"Are you sure? About this?"

(reader) nodded her head, not saying a word.

X's heart was thundering in his chest, his eyes half lidded with pure unadulterated lust. His pants were tight from the moment (reader) even invited him to her apartment. X sat on the couch where he guided (reader) into sitting on his lap, her plush thighs encasing his hips. He hissed when she fully sat on him. (reader) immediately tried getting off of him but was stopped by X's hands gripping her ass cheeks. (reader) tried to get off again but was only held down more by him, the friction caused him to rut his hips upwards.

"Am I too heavy? We can stop."

"Oh god no. Put all your weight on me please."

(reader) was taken aback by his begging tone.

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

X's eyes practically rolled to the back of his head as he felt the clothed warmth of her pussy surrounding his groan. He had to hold himself back from dry humping her into oblivion right then and there.

His hands trailed under (reader)'s shirt and he leaned up to kiss her. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach when she reciprocated. He was pleasantly surprised when he felt (reader)'s tongue prodding at his lips and he opened with zero hesitation. He moaned when he felt her piercing touch his own tongue. His hands trailing down to her hips and back up to her waist.

(reader) broke the kiss and his lips instinctively tried reaching out for hers once again. (reader) put a hand on his chest, keeping him back. She then reached behind her and unclasped her bra, taking it off along with her shirt. X bit his lip at the sight and stared at them with utter fascination. (reader) grabbed his hands and placed them over her breasts. X immediately started groping them, flicking his fingers over her nipples, reveling at her whines. His mouth watered and he encased one of them in his mouth, sucking and lightly biting them. Tingles shot down his spine when (reader)'s hand started running through his hair, tugging at his scalp.

Once (reader) had enough she softly pushed him off her breasts, pushing him back against the couch. She kissed him, hand around the back of his neck, the other on his chest. (reader) broke the kiss and started trailing kisses along his jaw to his ear. She puffed some air into his ear and slightly bit down on his earlobe, causing X to grind against her. He desperately clung to (reader)'s skirt when she started rolling her hips against his.

"Fuck." X panted.

"Fuck me." he breathlessly begged her.

(reader) started sucking and biting his neck while palming him through his pants. Her hand slithered under his waist band and he shivered when her hand encased him.

s'warm. s'soft.

X desperately thrusted up to meet her pace and (reader) guided his hand beneath her skirt.

"No underwear?"

"Too horny."

X moaned into (reader)'s lips when she kissed him and worked his hands on pleasuring his (reader). They held this position for a while but X wanted more, and so did (reader).

"I'm ready, are you?"

"Yes, oh fuck yes please."

(reader) lifted her hips, aligning herself with him. X's cock twitched as her warm wet walls touched his tip. He bit his lip and urged (reader) to go on, wanting nothing more than to be buried inside her.

X's eyes rolled to the back of his head when she fully encased him. Fuck it took everything in his being to hold himself back from cumming. (reader) whimpered at the odd feeling, giving herself some time to adjust before she started moving.

"Fuck. fuck baby."

Grunts, skin slapping, and sloppy noises filled the room. X couldn't take his eyes off the way (reader)'s tummy jiggled when she fully sat on him, the sight driving him insane. Drool escaped his mouth as he kept groping her stomach, absolutely infatuated with the feeling of her plush fat accompanied with her soft skin.

X gripped (reader)'s hips, bringing her harshly against him. He started meeting her thrusts half way, chasing the drug that was (reader).

"(reader) let me cum inside you please"

(reader) stayed silent.

"please, I want nothing more but to coat your walls white with my semen, to have it dripping down your thighs when you walk. Fuck please, let me fill your tummy."

(reader)'s skin slapped against X's harshly, their grunts and moans mixing in with each other as their lips met once again. (reader)'s thrusts started to get sloppy and X lifted her, fucking her into his cock.

"fuck im cumming baby. (reader), (reader), (reader)!" X harshly gripped at (reader)'s hips, pushing her down into him as he buried himself deep inside her.

X's eyes rolled to the back of his head, his tongue sticking out and he saw white, his body convulsing at the intense feeling.

He slumped against the couch, breathing heavily and all too aware of the warm walls still around him, as he felt his cum mixing in with his angels slick. He also noticed the way (reader)'s fingers encircled her clit, still chasing her high. X's hand gripped hers and she whined at the lost contact.

"I have a better idea...

sit on my face."

[txtaetertots]

HOPELESSLY DEVOTED 25: it’s just a kiss

[ synopsis ] you’re trying to get into your dream school. beomgyu’s just trying to pass a class. the only way to ensure you both get what you want is to work together. very closely.

taglist: @heyanonymous123 @flrtsbin @anonella22 @chocorenchin @gyuszie @flowerbe0m @kaikamalover @n034sy @iactaid @suzirumas @pupkashi @choi-beomgyulvr @hearts4hanni @naveries @wccycc @wonioml @burminq @a55hie @wildesreblogs @kaewonie @online--princess @alixox @minkyungseokie @moa4lifeee @yeehawnana @peakaboostuff @txtistheloml @sieuneo

send an ask to be included on the taglist! :)

The pounding in her ears wouldn’t go away. Beomgyu had been assuring YN they didn’t have to do any of the kisses during rehearsals if she didn’t want to. They skipped the scene when it came to their lunch sessions, but she knew they would have to rehearse the scene inevitably. And this Saturday rehearsal was that day. They were running through the entirety of Act One and getting a head start on some minor scenes in Act Two. One of those minor scenes being Danny and Sandy’s first on stage kiss.

YN wasn’t sure why she was so nervous about it. She’s had her own fair share of on stage kisses throughout her career. And, this one was just a simple cheek kiss. She blames Yunjin’s constant teasing for getting in her head. YN knows she’s just kidding around (probably), but she couldn’t shake it off. She didn’t like Choi Beomgyu like that. But, she couldn’t deny the way her heart raced whenever she was with him. Maybe it was the way Beomgyu would smile and fondly call her “costar” whenever he saw her in the halls. Or, the way he would pout whenever YN said ‘some other time’ to his after school dates. Or, maybe it was the way he called her by as many pet names as he could think of. They were all part of the act, so there’s no reason why they should have a genuine affect on her. Yet, here she was, wondering if she could continue to play along.

“From the top,” Mr. Kim called, bringing YN out of her thoughts.

She shook her head and took a deep breath. In this well-known scene, Danny gives Sandy his ring after while they’re at the drive-in. They sat in regular foldable chairs for the meantime while the crew continued to work on the props that would really bring the scenes to life. It wasn’t the most glamorous set yet, but just sitting here like this with Beomgyu’s arm around her made YN’s head spin.

They began the scene, going through the lines and stage directions without a hitch. Beomgyu’s improvement was nothing short of impressive. Everyone was in awe by his confident, witty delivery of Danny’s character. His work with YN helped him grow not only more comfortable with his role, but more comfortable performing for others. Without YN, he couldn’t see himself enjoying this as much as he is.

Beomgyu begins to fiddle with the prop ring. He follows the script, running his hand through his hair before finally slipping it off and holding it out to YN. This was it.

“Sandy, will you wear my ring?”

“Oh, Danny!” YN exclaims, taking the ring and placing it on her own finger. She admires it before turning to Beomgyu. She carefully placed the tips of her fingers under his chin, bringing his face closer before planting a kiss on his cheek. She quickly went back to admiring the ring, trying her best not to think about how warm and soft Beomgyu’s cheek was. It wasn’t as big of a deal as she anticipated. She psyched herself out for nothing.

Beomgyu on the other hand found himself in the same trance he experienced when he first started working with YN. As soon as he felt her lips press against the apple of his cheek, his act fell. There was something so tender and sweet about being kissed on the cheek, because Beomgyu felt his temperature start climbing. He cleared his throat trying to hide whatever color may be arising across his face. Mr. Kim praised their overall performance. He went on giving notes, which Beomgyu never cared to pay attention to. Instead he sat dumbfounded, holding his fingers to his cheek, reminiscing the feeling of YN’s lips—wondering how they would feel against his own next time.

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[averysmolbear]

Can I borrow it?

CW: This is mostly fluff. If you squint, there's some sexual tension and suggestive language. The reader is mentioned as she/her. There's some minor swearing. It's only been briefly proofread.

A/N: This is a modern college AU version of the characters so if any characterization is wonky, that's what I'm going with as to why.

Pairing: Reiner Braun X fem!reader

Word count: about 4.2k

You had known Reiner Braun for what felt like ages when it really was only a couple of years. You met him and the rest of your little friend group at the start of university. You all had been stuck in the same English course with the same boring professor. You bonded over how much you all hated the class and ever since it seemed like your little group was inseparable. Still whenever you spent time with Reiner, it felt to you like you had known him your whole life. There was a comfortable feeling that came with being near him that you couldn’t put into words and you were starting to wonder if those feelings you felt went beyond friendship. 

You knew Reiner was something of a flirt, however, so you never tried to read too much into the things that he said or did. It was just who he was. It made it difficult, however, to tell if he only saw you as a friend or if there was something more growing between the two of you. You were too shy to make the first move though, leaving you and Reiner stuck in a stalemate. Still it wasn’t so bad because at least you knew that Reiner would always be a part of your life in one way or another.

You sat across from him in the library, both of you there to study. You had a project due in a couple of days for your psych class and Reiner said he had one for his history class, although you suspected he made it up so he could tag along. You knew you were going to be late and you knew how much he hated the idea of you coming back to the off campus apartment that you, he, Annie, and Bertholdt shared. You didn’t question Reiner’s motives though because when you got to the library, he did seem to start to work on something, although you weren’t sure what it was.

You had been there for quite some time, your head buried in your books as you furiously scribbled out notes. You hadn’t been paying attention to anything else so you had no idea how much time had passed. Reiner, however, had been paying close attention to everything. He knew how late it was getting and he knew that you needed to eat. He slipped out of the library without you noticing to make a food run. Reiner quickly returned with sandwiches and your favorite drink from a little shop that was walking distance from the library. You had chosen a table in an area where most people didn’t think twice about students eating and drinking while they worked so it wasn’t like it would be that unusual for the two of you to eat a little something while there.

You were absentmindedly spinning a small tube of lip balm on the table, barely glancing up as the food and drink were set down next to the mountain of books you had pulled from the shelves earlier for your research. You flashed Reiner a quick but tired smile before your e/c eyes settled back on the book that was opened up in front of you. If you had noticed the food waiting for you, you didn’t acknowledge it.

Reiner didn’t say anything as he sat down across from you but he kept sneaking glances at you whenever you seemed too distracted to notice, which turned out to be most of the time. He was debating telling you to eat but he didn’t want to be pushy about it. He knew he would likely get caught staring eventually but while he could manage it, he was going to take advantage of your distracted state.

Your h/c hair was a bit of a mess from the multiple times that you had run your fingers through it but something about the makeup-free and slightly disheveled look you now wore was incredibly attractive to him. Then again Reiner thought you looked incredible no matter what you were wearing. You were, in his eyes at least, absolutely perfect and he followed you around like a lovesick puppy as a result.

It seemed like everyone else recognized the signs of Reiner’s crush except for you. Not that he minded since he was certain that the day you figured it out would be the day he would want to end it all. In his mind there was no way you could like him too, which meant he’d eventually have to see you happy with someone else. It made him sick to his stomach to think of you with anyone but him though.

“You should eat.”

Reiner’s deep voice startled you from the notes you were taking and you quickly looked up at him. You blinked slowly as if you had to focus on the world around you again. A faint blush blossomed on your cheeks when you realized there was a sandwich and drink waiting for you. You smiled as you met your friend’s gaze, biting your bottom lip for a moment before nodding.

“Thanks,” you softly said as you unwrapped the food. “I didn’t realize you ran to get food. If I’d known, I would’ve given you some money or something.”

Reiner had to bite back a sigh. Of course you hadn’t noticed. It seemed like you rarely noticed him, at least not in the ways he wanted you to notice him. Then again, he was thankful you didn’t see the hungry look in his eyes whenever you did something to draw attention to your lips. Reiner wanted so badly to know what your lips tasted like but whenever he thought he had an opening to tell you how he felt about you, something got in the way.

He saw the small tube of lip balm on the table, remembering that you had been playing with it earlier like some kind of fidget toy to keep yourself focused. When he saw it, he became transfixed by it and he swallowed hard as he looked back up at you. Of course, even as you were chewing on a bite of food, Reiner saw that your eyes were focused on the book in front of you again. He swallowed thickly as he watched you chew, knowing that if you caught him staring now, he would have no excuse to give for it.

Instead, he unwrapped his own sandwich and tried to go back to pretending that he had something to work on too. In reality Reiner had been spending his time reading up on various bits of world history. He wasn’t a huge history buff but he found some enjoyment out of his ruse. It felt like time was stretching on forever before he heard you softly groan. When he glanced up, Reiner saw you stretching your arms over your head.

His cheeks flushed a very faint pink as he saw your shirt ride up a little. Even from where he was sitting, he had been able to catch the slightest glimpse of bare skin. You raised an eyebrow as you saw Reiner looking you over, a lopsided smile on your lips when the two of you locked eyes. Reiner let out a nervous laugh and you shook your head slightly, letting out a soft laugh of your own.

“You okay there?” you asked, that bemused look stuck on your face.

Reiner nodded and then gestured toward the lip balm on the table. “That lip balm,” he said, trying to act as if it was something he had been meaning to bring up sooner, “what brand is it again?”

You laughed, picking it up and twirling the thin tube in your hand. “Uh, Softlips. Why?”

Reiner shrugged, muttering under his breath something about how he was sure they were before he offered you a weak smile. “Just wondered,” he finally said, noticing the odd look you were giving him. He knew he had to say something. “C-can I borrow it? It’s just that I forgot any and …”

You rolled it across the table before your friend could finish explaining, shrugging your delicate shoulders quickly. “Sure, Rei. I’ve got another one at home if you want to keep that one,” you told him as your eyes started to drift back to your notes and the opened book in front of you.

“Thanks,” Reiner said, catching the tube of lip balm. As he opened it, he could smell that it would be coconut flavored and he wondered if it was your favorite or just the kind you happened to grab when you purchased it. It didn’t matter because when he put it on, he licked his lips when he knew you weren’t looking and felt his face flush as the thought crossed his mind that right now this was how your lips tasted. It was stupid and he knew it but Reiner couldn’t help the way that single thought made his mind race.

If he couldn’t kiss you, this was the next best thing for now.

*** *** *** *** ***

By the time the two of you got back to the apartment, you were exhausted. Reiner found himself fighting the urge to offer to tuck you in but instead he wished you a good night, blushing softly when you kissed his cheek and thanked him for coming with you to the library. You yawned and ran your fingers through your h/c hair, smiling softly as you looked up at your friend. You even muttered a quick but sincere apology for being horrible company but Reiner brushed off your apology with a soft laugh.

“God, you’re pathetic,” came a voice from the kitchen once you were out of sight.

Reiner, who had been watching you with a goofy grin, jumped a little before he turned his head toward Annie. The smile faded from his lips as Reiner scowled at her. Without thinking about it, he licked his lips, tasting the lip balm he still had on. His hand slipped into his pocket, checking if the small tube was still there. It was like he found something about it soothing at this point.

“You’re really going to keep following her around like some lovesick puppy dog, aren’t you?” Annie continued as she finished making herself a cup of tea. She didn’t even glance over her shoulder at Reiner as she spoke. “You do know Jean is thinking about asking her out tomorrow, right?”

Reiner’s golden eyes widened for a moment before he tried to make his face as blank as possible. He saw Annie turning around and he didn’t want to give her any more fuel to tease him tonight. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, his posture going a bit more limp as he shrugged his broad shoulders slowly. “Yeah, well, that’s his choice,” Reiner said, trying to sound nonchalant.

His mind, however, was racing. He hadn’t noticed Jean paying any more attention to you than usual. Then again maybe you had been dropping hints to Jean that Reiner hadn’t seen. Did you like Jean? How could he have missed the signs of something like that? You had always seemed so focused on your studies. In fact, Reiner didn’t think you had been on more than a handful of dates in the three years he had known you. There was always the chance that you would say no when Jean asked you out but what if you said yes? Reiner felt a gnawing in the pit of his stomach. His fingers found the thin tube of lip balm, rolling it around in his hand as he kept it in his pocket.

Annie laughed humorlessly, shaking her head as she brushed past Reiner on her way to the living room couch. “Like I said,” she said, shaking her head again, “you’re pathetic.”

Reiner didn’t respond although he could tell that Annie was hoping he would. He could feel her eyes watching him as he headed for his room. The last thing he wanted was to have a debate with her about how he felt about you. She and Bertholdt knew about Reiner’s crush. Annie always gave him shit about it but Bertholdt tried to be encouraging. Tonight, however, Reiner didn’t want to listen to Annie berate him about not acting on his feelings for you.

He didn’t mean to slam his door when he went to his room but he did manage to close it a bit harder than necessary. He raked his fingers through his blond hair and sighed as he leaned against his bedroom door. Reiner knew he was being an idiot. There was no way in hell someone as incredible as you would stay single forever. And why would you wait around for someone like him?

He already knew he wasn’t worthy of being loved by you but that didn’t stop him from hoping. He kept waiting for the right time, waiting for the perfect moment to tell you how he felt and now it was all going to come crashing down. All because he waited too long. All because he wanted to be sure that you felt the same before he took a chance. Now Jean was going to be the one to take a chance and Reiner was going to have to watch you find happiness with someone else.

Of course he knew he was being foolish, thinking that somehow one date was going to lead to something more with Jean. Then again Reiner knew that if he was the one taking that chance, there was no way in hell he would let you go.

He shuffled over to his bed and took off his shoes, tossing them in the general direction of his closet. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed under his blanket. Licking his lips, Reiner let his mind wander yet again. The taste of the lip balm was almost gone but it didn’t change the fact that now that he knew what your lips tasted like, he wanted more. Groaning, he grabbed his pillow and placed it over his own face. He knew it was going to be a long and sleepless night.

*** *** *** *** ***

The next day passed by painfully slowly in Reiner’s opinion. Everyone had agreed to come over for a big movie night at the apartment. It meant that Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Sasha, and all of the others would be piling into the apartment in an hour or so. You had gone with Jean to pick up pizzas that had been ordered for dinner while Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt were making sure everything was ready at the apartment.

Reiner, of course, was kicking himself for letting you go with Jean alone but Jean had offered to go with you before Reiner could and Annie had ended up telling the two of you to go alone. Reiner knew it was to mess with him and he was now grumbling as he emptied a bag of chips into a bowl to set out for once the others showed up.

Without even thinking about what he was doing, he licked his lips for the umpteenth time. Annie noticed it, raising an eyebrow as she caught his attention. Reiner sighed and stopped, folding his arms across his broad chest.

“Why the hell do you keep doing that?”

“What?” Reiner asked, genuinely confused.

“Licking your damn lips,” Annie said as she continued to set out the snacks she and Bertholdt had picked up at the store earlier. “You keep doing it. Did you get some new chapstick or something?”

Reiner felt his face heat up so he quickly turned away, busying himself with nothing. As long as Annie couldn’t see his face, he thought he could answer her question. “It just … it tastes like her,” he grumbled, before realizing he said the words out loud. When he tried to answer again, Reiner raised his voice more than he meant. “It tastes like coconut!”

“Was it y/n’s?” Bertholdt asked, suddenly showing up at Reiner’s side.

Annie started laughing the moment Reiner slipped up, grinning widely when her friend finally looked toward her. She had known Reiner since they were kids and she had figured his new behavior had to do with you. When she heard him admit it out loud, Annie couldn’t stop herself from laughing, even when Bertholdt shook his head as they made eye contact.

Reiner sighed, heavily sitting down on one of the chairs at the small kitchen table in their equally small kitchen. The wooden chair groaned with how hard he had sat down but it held up remarkably well for being something that had been picked up at a thrift store. He looked down at his hands as they rested in his lap before covering his blushing face as he heard Annie laughing and teasing him.

Bertholdt placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder and offered up a reassuring smile. “Don’t listen to her,” he said when Reiner looked up at him. “You know she just likes messing with you.”

Reiner sighed, digging into his pocket to pull out the lip balm. He opened his hand to show it to his friends. “She gave it to me yesterday and it’s stupid but …”

“But you like it because she likes it.”

Reiner slowly nodded at Bertholdt’s words. He knew it was silly but that was exactly how he felt. You liked using this lip balm and now it was his favorite too. It was pathetic and probably even borderline obsessive on his part. He was waiting for Annie to point that out but she didn’t. He noticed that she had stopped laughing but she was still smirking as she looked at Reiner.

“Stop being such a pussy and tell her already,” Annie said, shaking her head. She leaned against the counter with her arms folded across her chest.

“Jean’s probably already asked her out,” Reiner muttered as he stuffed the lip balm back into his pocket.

Annie scoffed, rolling her eyes. She walked over toward Reiner and kicked his shin hard enough to get him to scowl up at her. “You’re really going to let that idiot win? You’re not even going to try to fight for y/n?” she said, an eyebrow raised as she looked down at her friend. “You’re stupider than I thought. Figured you’d actually get your ass in gear and say something to her instead of letting Jean get in there first. Why do you think I told you he wanted to ask her out in the first place?”

The door suddenly opened, stopping Reiner before he could reply. He growled under his breath when he heard Jean announcing that the food had arrived, especially after Reiner heard you giggle shortly thereafter. He stood up and took the boxes in your hands as soon as you entered the kitchen. He set them aside, smiling a little when you placed a hand on his arm as you smiled gratefully up at him.

“What’s with all the tension?” Jean said, looking around as he set the pizza boxes he had down as well. When Reiner turned to glare in his direction, Jean took a half step away from you with a quick shrug. He didn’t know what he had said or done to piss Reiner off but Jean wasn’t going to push the larger man.

You shook your head a little, already busying yourself in the kitchen to make sure everything was set up. As you fluttered around, Reiner reached out and lightly grabbed your wrist. You looked up at him, eyes wide and a light pink starting to dust your cheeks. Your pulse picked up for a moment but you smiled up at Reiner nonetheless.

“Can we talk, y/n?” he asked. When you nodded, he gave your arm a little tug and led you out to the hall that led to the bedrooms. Reiner had felt your heart start to race a little and it had set off a fluttery feeling in his stomach. For a moment, he thought he might have a shot. He just had to finally take a chance.

He stopped when the two of you were out of hearing range of the kitchen. He saw you looking up at him with wide eyes, confusion etching your features. Reiner thought his heart skipped a beat as his breath quickened slightly. He was trying to focus his thoughts but it was difficult with you so close, looking up at him like you were. He finally had your undivided attention and he could feel his palms starting to sweat because of it.

He let go of your wrist and looked down at his feet but it seemed like you immediately took a half step closer to him, placing a small hand on his broad chest. He swallowed thickly, his mouth feeling dry. Reiner wasn’t sure he would be able to form a sentence if he tried right now but as he raised his head to look at you, he knew he couldn’t wait for the right words to suddenly pop into his mind.

“Is everything okay?” you asked, finally breaking the silence.

Reiner didn’t speak right away. Instead he lightly grabbed your chin to lift your face a bit more. His thumb brushed along your bottom lip and he watched as your breath caught. He blushed softly, mirroring the soft blush blossoming on your cheeks as well. He took a deep breath and let his hand drop from your face before taking both of your hands in his own.

“I …” Reiner paused and cleared his throat, shaking his head at himself. “Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be.” He chuckled when he saw you tilt your head at him with a slight frown, your brows crinkled in confusion. “You’re just so … perfect. And I’m … me.”

“You’re not making any sense, Reiner,” you said, shaking your head.

Reiner nodded then, collecting his thoughts just enough to hopefully form a coherent sentence. “I like you, y/n,” he finally said, letting go of one of your hands to tuck some of your hair behind your ear gently. “I don’t mean as a friend either. I’ve liked you for a while now but I just … didn’t know how to tell you. You don’t have to say anything though, okay? It’s just that I thought it was time that you knew.”

You stared up at him, wide-eyed, for a moment before you cupped his face in your hands, trying to pull Reiner down toward you even as you got up on your tip-toes to get closer. He leaned down, instinctively knowing what you wanted. His face was close enough that you could feel his warm breath on your lips and after a second of hesitation, you both leaned in for a kiss.

It was soft and slow. Reiner was gentle about the way he pulled you closer, his hands now resting on your hips. When you hummed against his lips, he felt dizzy, his heart hammering in his chest. Even after he pulled back slowly, Reiner let his forehead rest against yours, watching as your eyes slowly fluttered open again.

“I like you too,” you whispered before pulling away completely, your arms wrapping around his neck. You giggled softly at the lopsided smile on Reiner’s face, feeling his hands tighten for a moment on your waist. “Took you long enough to say something.”

Reiner’s smile turned into a smirk as he shrugged his shoulders. “Guess this means I should get around to taking you on a date some time.”

You laughed softly, faintly aware of the sound of your friends showing up. The living room was starting to fill up with people but right now Reiner was the only one who mattered. “Guess so,” you said with a little nod.

“Gross,” Connie said, peeking his head down the hallway where the two of you stood. “Get a room or something at least. Geez.”

You saw Reiner’s face turn bright red as you laughed, slowly backing away. You slipped your hand in his, however, and started to lead him to the living room. No one seemed surprised to see the two of you cozied up together. Reiner soon wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and you didn’t see the possessive look he gave Jean when Jean looked over at the two of you. 

For a moment, Jean seemed disappointed which confused you but you didn’t ask. You just let Reiner lead you over to the couch. He sat down and pulled you onto his lap, nuzzling his nose in the crook of your neck and making you laugh softly.

“Connie’s right,” Annie said as she sat down on the armchair near the couch. “You two are disgusting.”

Bertholdt shrugged, perching himself on the arm of the couch that was farthest from the two of you. “I don’t know,” he said. “I mean, they seem happy. Let them be happy.” Neither you nor Reiner responded as you let yourself enjoy the warmth of his body and his arms wrapped around you. Everyone around the two of you busied themselves with getting snacks and food, trying to find places to sit. Eren and Jean were soon arguing over who should control the remote, while everyone chattered about the movie options. Somehow everything felt right finally, even if you had no idea what might come next for you and Reiner. That comfortable feeling of home that you got when you were with him made sense because being with him was right where you were meant to be.

[darkaviarymc]

The Evergreens Enfold the Shrine, A recursive fic of The Incandescence of a Dying Light by @quaranmine

(I meant to hit Edit Chapter but accidentally hit Publish Chapter, so you get it a day earlier than planned)

Chapter 3

"Do you think he really saw him?"  

The silence was deafening in the O.R waiting room at West Park Hospital in Cody.  Gem had to break it somehow, and Etho's ghost sighting had been prickling Gem's mind ever since Etho had asked that chilling question.  

"Did'e lay there like this?  Knowin' he's never gettin' up?  Jus' waitin' t'die?"

Beef let out a long sigh and dragged the palms of his hands down his bearded face.  "I can't say for certain if ghosts exist or not, but what Etho saw, or what Etho thinks he saw?  Nah.  I mean come on Gem, he hit his head.  He was in pain and full of adrenalin, probably on the edge of shock, with a story fresh in his head about a mustached ghost who appears to injured hikers."

"When you see hoof prints, think horses, not zebras," Gem said.  It was something she'd heard medical students she crossed paths with in some of her classes say.  It was meant to remind them that the simplest, most likely explanation for something was usually the correct one and to not try to jump to a drastic diagnosis. Even so, Gem still had her doubts.  "I still can't stop thinking about it.  The crazy part is, even the ranger thought someone else was with us.  Doesn't that make you wonder?"

"Bdubs seems like an okay dude, but did you listen to how he talked?  The guy's nuts.  Too many days in the woods psyching him out." 

Gem hummed thoughtfully.  "You might be right.  I mean, you're probably right.  Maybe the woods are psyching me out, too."

Before they could say anything else on the matter, a doctor walked into the waiting room.

"Are you two Ethos contacts?"

"Yes," they said in unison.

"How is he?" Gem asked.

"The surgery on his ancle went well," the doctor began, "and I expect it to make a full recovery.  Of course, he'll need to follow up with an orthopedic surgeon back home and set up a physical therapy schedule.  He also has several small rib fractures, mostly on the left side.  They're more like minor cracks than major breaks.  Now, about those head injuries.  The bad news is, in addition to a pretty severe concussion, he also suffered two separate skull fractures.  The good news is that they're both linear, so they shouldn't require surgery."

"All in all," the doctor concluded, "He has a lot of minor fractures, and our biggest concern is the concussion.  I expect he's going to be just fine given time to recover." 

The two friends both felt a physical weight lift from their chest.  Gem relaxed in her seat for the first time in hours, and Beef smiled and rubbed Gem's back.

"How soon can he go home?" Beef asked.

"He'll need to stay here for a few nights for observation.  A concussion like his needs to be closely monitored for 73 hours to ensure there's no preasure or fluid buildup.  He also won't be getting on any plains for least a week.  We want to see him back here on the 21st for an evaluation, and at that point the neurologist will decide weather or not he's clear to fly.  She'll meet with you all later once Etho's awake and aware to discuss that part of his case in more detail."

Beef chewed his lip; the tension was back.  He nodded slowly.  "Thank you."

"Of course," the doctor said with a smile.  "You know, it could have been much worse.  He's lucky he has quick-thinking friends like you two."

As the doctor walked away, Beef groaned loudly and covered his face with his hands.  "A week.  At least a week."

Beef's voice was muffled by his hands, but Gem still heard him clearly.  "You go," Gem said without hesitation.  "I can take care of Etho."

Beef quickly shook his head.  "Not a chance."

"Beef, this is your bachelors degree on the line!  If you don't get to your classes-"

"If I don't get to my classes, I get my degree a semester later.  I won't lie and say I'm not bummed about it, but Etho's more important.  He'd do the same for either of us."

Gem leaned across the armrest of the chair and hugged Beef.  Though the position was awkward due to the barrier, it was one of the warmest, most comforting hugs Gem had ever had.  "You're a good friend, Beef," Gem said into Beef's shoulder.

"So are you.  Just look at you, ready and willing to deal with Etho on your own.  Heaven knows that man's a handful on a good day."

Gem laughed and sat back up properly in her chair.  "Oh, I know!"

"Do you?  Because you weren't around when he signed half the campus up for 'Shady E's Super Spy Mystery game' mailing list with letters written in 'invisible ink.'  He made almost five hundred dollars selling subscriptions to blank paper before the dean caught on and almost expelled him."

"Yeah, but I was around when he tried to extort the entire campus with exuberantly priced white-label 'royal maple syrup.'" 

The two laughed at their reminiscing for a while before Beef stood up and stretched.  "Oh, how are your knees, by the way?"

"What about my knees?"

"You hit the ground pretty hard when we got down to Etho back at Owl Head."

"Oh."  Gem rubbed her knees and shrugged.  "I mean, they're a little sore and probably bruised, but I'm okay."

"That's good.  I'm gonna go call Pause.  He's probably wearing a hole in the carpet pacing the living room waiting for an update."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want them to lose their security deposit on top of having to pay American medical bills."

Beef cringed.  "Ooh, yeah, even with the travelers insurance, that's gonna be... rough."

"He might have to start another mailing list."

Beef laughed again.  He waived goodbye to Gem before leaving the room to make his phone call.

Now alone with her thoughts, Gem looked out the window next to her.  She took in the sights of the busy tourist city before letting her eyes wander out further to the mountains of Shoshone National Forest that loomed over the horizon.  It was surreal to think that just a few hours ago, she'd been out there having the time of her life with her two best friends.  Now she was here, in a hospital waiting room, waiting for one of those friends to wake up from surgery.  

How quickly life can turn your world upside down. 

And how quickly reality can hit you like a splash of ice-cold water from a snow creek. 

He could have died. 

Etho almost died. 

He probably would have, had that ranger not been on the trail when he had been.

"There wasn't a fourth person with you, was there?" 

And then there was the ghost sighting.  Had it been real?  Had Etho truly seen Mumbo back there at the base of the hill off of Owl Head Trail?  Had the ghost of Pinnacles Trail lead Bdubs to them?  Or was it all a concussion induced hallucination and an extremely lucky coincidence like Beef suggested.

Gem might never know.  But, she supposed as she sighed and watched her breath fog up the window, perhaps not knowing wasn't so bad.  She knew Etho was going to be okay.  She knew she had the best friends anyone could ever pray for.  She knew that in two weeks time, she'd be back home in her apartment in St. Johns  with a bottle of wine and her beloved internet chat rooms.  The message boards were going to love this story, Gem thought.  She used her finger to draw a heart in the condensation on the window, then wiped it clean with her sleeve.  And her sleeve was, in fact, clean, because she and Beef had thankfully had a chance to change cloths while Etho was in surgery so they didn't have to sit there caked in dried blood.  They'd even let Gem into an unoccupied patient room and allowed her shower.

But when she looked down at her hands, just for a brief second, she could still see Etho's blood coating every finger.  How long, she pondered, would it take for those mental images to go away?  They probably never would.  Sure, they would fade with time and become less brain-rattling, but Gem understood that this sort of trauma had a way of clinging to a person like smoke.

 "And what he found at the base of the mountain was the thing the rangers had been searching for for over a year: the dead body of the fallen hiker."

How long would it take for those mental images to go away for that fire lookout who found a dead hiker's year-old corpse while running for his life?

They probably never would.

Gem closed her eyes and tried to picture the view the view of the St. Johns skyline she had from her apartment.  She tried to picture her neighbor's kitten, or perhaps the bouncing logo on the screen saver of her home computer.  Anything but Etho laying unconscious on the forest floor.

"You know, it could have been much worse.  He's lucky."

That doctor probably knew better than Gem how much worse it could have been.  Being the closest hospital to Shoshone, Gem was sure this place had seen countless injuries, big and small, brought in from that forest, as well as it's fair share of tragic deaths.

But Etho's wouldn't be one of those, Gem reminded herself.  She opened her eyes and returned to the present.

Life would go on.  Soon Beef would come back and tell her about the ear-full he'd gotten from Pause, than later Etho would be awake and they could finally see him.  

Life would go on for the three friends, just as it went on for the forest after the fire that had driven that lookout up the hill, just as it did for that lookout, who Gem imagined was out there somewhere, living to the fullest.

Gem was lucky.  She was blessed.  She was safe.  She looked down at her hands.

No blood.

She gazed out the window once more at the mountains in the distance.  Although she knew his ghost probably wasn't real, she couldn't fight what compelled her to smile and whisper towards the forest.

"Thanks, Mumbo." 

[horizon-verizon]

Criston Cole deserves better. Fuck Rhaenyra.

https://www.tumblr.com/a0random0gal/726526376463745024/hot-take-but-i-personally-think-all-the-criston?source=share

*EDITED POST* 6/22/24

A)

Entertainment Weekly Article:

B)

Primarily, it's the green stans not accepting the Dance is a tale of misogyny, and of they can get Criston's predatory behavior justified through him being PoC (which he is not, and even if he was Dornish, the Dornish are not PoC), they can argue that his lowborn, PoCness & whatever racism he experiences at court has made his rise into highborn "white" circles that much harder. And that it makes him more vulnerable to Rhaenyra's white privilege. Meanwhile, we all saw the episode where he never really pushed to leave AND he thoroughly enjoyed and enthusiastically participated in the one-night stand. His struggle was more between his desire and his vows of celibacy, Rhaenyra did not force him or threaten hi with either words, actions, or looks. That's not how SA goes even with women against men.

So, the implication is that if a PoC man seeks to rape or SA or even just to demand sex, bc white women can & have called out rape to avoid censure or punishment themselves, it's fine if it's a white woman being made the victim or being demanded to give herself to the man regardless of her personal feelings, aspirations, limitations, psyche, desires. And/Or, in this case, the man's flawed need to "prove" something through that sex and marriage. Regardless of who these people are and what kind of person Rhaenyra SHOWS herself to be instead of mere racial guesswork overriding what we see of her on screen and what Criston himself would have known after years of guarding her closely.

C)

After that user said: "I'm 100% certain that if the genders were swapped almost everyone would side with him.", I knew what I was getting:

Rhaenyra didn't "make" him do anything, she quite literally doesn't have the ability to take that new level of risk.

Criston Cole, his relationship with Rhaenyra, AND their sight together/how it happened cannot be compared to a modern-day boss-employee-relationship/sexual harassment sort of sex-reversed MeToo! situation AND the writers really tried to make Rhaenyra the one in psychological control over Criston when canonically there' isn't much evidence to support that, and this is very suspicious.

So much protest using the "if the genders were reversed", and yet no acknowledgment or breakdown of what their respective unique positions are. A male heir =/= a female heir (even if there were female monarchs before, check out real history for how medieval people regarded female rulers if they didn't happen to be very "good" ones) AND women cannot be knights (Brienne is not a knight...yet, and this is YEARS after the Dance) so they can't be Kingsguard.

A Kingsguard has more room to defend themselves over any nonroyal/royally-favored woman or even an ordinary noblewoman whose caught in such a situation. This hierarchical society is built on making gender, class, etc. essential differences that grant individuals privileges over others. Due to Criston's reputation, maleness, and his true "boss" being Viserys--Viserys is quite literally EVERYONE'S BOSS, including Rhaenyra--AND how Rhaenyra's own mired reputation can be ruined a lot easier than a male heir/she could be seen as more unworthy for the throne then if she were male, he, Cole, has way more advantages & leverage than a woman actually corned by a male higher-ranking noble/royal.

Criston is also still of a minor house himself--House Cole of the Stormlands, not Dorne--he is still an aristocrat with misogynist aristocratic expectations of a noblewoman.

See what I mean in that we can't really equalize these situations?

Therefore, Cole definitely wanted to have sex with Rhaenyra and was very willing to sully his own cloak. His asking her to run away with him so that he can try to get rid of his buyer's remorse without thinking that royals/noble have lovers (who can be from a myriad of ranks--"lower", "equal", "higher") is ridiculously self-contradictory and selfish.

Also, this crap about "if the genders were reversed" is silly because it usually is used to make as if gender violence is the exact same as sexual violence against men when it never is, and as long as we live in a society where enough people think a woman's body is never totally her own, it never will be.

LINKS:

My Assessments (NonAsks)

Others' Assessments

Asks Sent to Me

[colgatebluemintygel]

The thoughts about their experiences with family and grief hurt on many levels. R sees that s has parents who are rich and still alive and probably feels a bit jealious and cant understand how s seems to resent it. S is self aware enough to know that outwards his family seems ideal and struggles with how he could let people know how things actually are (maybe even afraid that they wont believe him). As seen in OAO he feels that he takes up too much space and r's mom has just died so he feels guilty ab burdening him with this and r will later feel guilty ab his anger/not understanding the situation. I am shaking. I want to hug them both. (Also yes, I believe that s really craved even a smallest hint that his parents cared. He couldnt live with them but leaving didnt really make it easier bc he understood that he lost all hope of having his birth parents love.)

yes yes yes !!!! absolutely!

the difference in class and privilege absolutely factored into it as well (as mentioned in oao, remus was one of the only kids at that school not from an affluent background, and it was definitely alienating for him, especially as two of his best friends grew up amongst immeasurable wealth (i picture peter's family to be more upper middle class than upper class like s and j, but it's still different to remus's background). definitely every now and again sirius would say really out of pocket things relating to how his parents treated him, but i think once he noticed his friends reactions, he'd also immediately backtrack and try to play it off as a joke. so for the others it was tricky to get a handle of the severity of the situation, and what was true and what wasn't. i think early on, some of the other boys (i'm thinking frank etc) would have made little jokes about sirius and his rich boy problems (ie: i imagine sirius would always be sad on his birthday—he'd receive these expensive presents, but they were never be meant FOR him; they were status symbols. and they just served as a reminder that his parents don't see him for who he is, and they don't love him for who he is -> cue meltdown. and i imagine remus would be looking in on this kinda like ??? perhaps internally thinking that sirius is being a little bit ungrateful (again, gift giving has a totally different meaning in remus's family). he'd NEVER say that out loud (well. aside from their big blow out argument), but in his head he'd be like.... rich boys.......) (while also being like :-(( my poor pretty padfoot :-(( and fantasising about kissing the tears from sirius's cheeks xx (all this conflict chat makes me want 2 reiterate !! remus ADORES him. like so SO much. this whole situation was such a change from their usual dynamic, it really threw everyone for a loop))

and YES and as you say: sirius's mouth works faster than his mind a lot of the time, and he would make comments maybe about wishing his parents harm, and it absolutely sent remus reeling. their main fight occurred over something incredibly minor (it was months and months of emotional build-up on both ends), but each of these little comments were a blow to remus </3 and of course sirius was never ever trying to cause harm. he had no real way of knowing what was happening with hope, because from the outside it just looked like something had happened to remus, who was now suddenly super reserved with himself and his body and seemed to be totally caught up in self-loathing. and i think sirius resonated a lot with that (even if he was expressing it all in a completely different way).

but yes... the idea that s takes up too much space. it's sort of all he's ever known. he was never taught how to emotionally regulate himself; he was always just punished. and that link between his emotions and punishment is so embedded in his psyche that even if his birth parents aren't around anymore to punish him for his emotions, he does it himself.

SOBS poor poor babs :-((((

[creacherkeeper]

8, 13, 23, 69 and 83 <333

8. Who's your biggest inspiration?

this is literally such a tough question. this has changed multiple times over my life but i think my answer right now would be jane mcgonigal. im just so interested in gamification and how to make games that can help and heal and improve peoples lives and shes out there Doing That and is doing it from such a well educated science background AND from lived experience and thats just so cool to me (check out superbetter!!)

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

avatar, psych, gilmore girls, agents of shield (highly derogatory), the good place, fantasy high (highly affectionate)

23. What would you name your children?

ough. well im planning on adopting so i wouldnt be naming them unless theyre trans and want me to pick. fem names i really like anya, natalia, elizabeth, tzipporah, mari, harper, and nora; masc names dima, mishka, nikolai, yakov, ari, elijah, levi, malachai, cooper, sawyer, and dawson; and androgynous names i like sasha, illya, ori, shiloh, tovi, dakota, forest, and harley. can you tell im a russian jew who lives in the deep south.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

trying out different hobbies that were inaccessible before like metalworking or furniture building. taking classes on things im interested in. write more books. have a big enough property to have a few big dogs that has close access to nature and spending a lot of time there. visiting national parks. hosting friends. adopting and raising children and hopefully homeschooling all of them. i think i would still be working toward the larger projects im currently working towards because i genuinely enjoy working on those things it just wouldnt be as big of a deal if i needed to take longer or couldnt get funding. i might even just work at a little bookstore or something for fun, i genuinely enjoy customer service and cleaning. or maybe i would still end up teaching. i want to get better at identifying plants and birds too i think i would become a birder i can just see myself going down that path

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

i would split it into as many portions as would still make a difference to give to the charities that would best utilize that money probably focused in minority justice, nature preservation, and animal conservation (with the last two going to as many indigenous organizations as i could), keep enough left over to live comfortably on, and then use the rest to support independent artists and tip like 500% on commissions and indie games

[violentdelightsandviolentends]

so, although i am studying psychology, my minor is in criminal justice because my school doesnt have a cj major. in saying all that, i actually want to be a lawyer! i think ive wanted to be a lawyer for around 8-10 years now. i have two years left of undergrad. its been very difficult bc i never realized how difficult stem was going to be and that i could study whatever i wanted for law school. i love studying psych bc its so intersting, but i the classes i love the most are my criminal justice classes. ive actually been thinking about double minoring in criminal justice and sociology, but i dont think ill end up doing it bc im already struggling with psych alone, so idk how ill do with all that. anyway, thats the goal and so far undergrad is killing me. so lets just hope i make it to law school lol - 🏁 anon

that’s so badass, babe!!

I won’t lie I don’t really understand what majors and minors are because I am not american, but I assume you get like credits for each and you have to have so many credits to pass? correct me if wrong!!

so you finish college, and then go to law school afterwards? that’s so much commitment, I admire it so much. education is so challenging but so rewarding when you finish!! there were points where I thought I was never gonna get my degree, but I did it <3

you’ll do just fine, my love. law school better get ready for you <3

[getthebutters]

Honesty and Hardwork: A 6-figure CEO’s perspective & journey

Intro

Most people who tell you about their journey to success are selling their story. I sell Butters and write blog to help people. This will be a more honest journey than you’ve probably ever experienced.

I got here by luck, struggle, and meeting the challenges as they come. Straight up. I was born with almost every non-voluntary life drawback you can have. The fatherless childhood, blackness, autism, gayness have remained, but the poor has been successfully mitigated. I’ve also had a ton of benefits like the generational wealth of stability, educators stressing the fundamentals, a strong family support system, and a parent who would pay any part of her meager salary to make sure I was set up for success.

Sure, I’ve known my whole life I would be successful, that was nothing more than a general understanding that I should be able to figure out how the world works and work it. Doing alright so far.

 The Dreams

With all my needs met, my desire is to make a difference in people’s life positively. In high school, I planned to become a sex educator with dreams of setting up a nationwide sexed requirement for grade school kids. I became a sex educator who makes lube and helps people make sense of the world, me included. My dreams are not forgotten but expanded to include my own men’s domestic violence shelter.

See, I realize my ingenuity, creativity, practicality, and reliability will end up funding the societal shifts I want. Those are rare skills today where we’re encouraged to follow only emotion, which will easily lead you astray like a child or wild animal, which has happened to me several times.

 The plans and actions

After high school, I had my plan and would go to Eastern Michigan University to study psych. But midway through the summer of 2005 I saw a commercial for Le Cordon Bleu culinary school and made the choice to get a skill I could use to pay for school and in case I chose wrong. Although it was smart and did workout, on some level I was delaying my launch into adulthood.

Thankfully this was only a 2-year diversion. I got licensed in culinary and hated it. I realized cooking with my granny and for my family was enough of that. If you really think about, how in demand are pastry chefs anyway really? Plus, I didn’t think through being 400# and working on my feet around my heroin.

I went back to school for psych at EMU since there was no sex ed major or anything close. I had to make my own minor via literally every class with sex in the title EMU offered between 2008 and 2014. Somewhere in there they did make an official human sexuality minor for me and the maybe 20 others who’d chosen a similar tract.

In college, I used Pell Grant & FAFSA money responsibly to fund my first 4 years of school fully without needing to work. Having worked at Walmart while in culinary school in Scottsdale, AZ, I now knew the value of a dollar and wouldn’t go back to work until I had to. Eventually, I did anyway when I got the opportunity to work for EMU’s school paper. I always wanted to be a journalist but them mofos is broke and I wasn’t tryna be, to the best of my ability.

In my first year of college, I had my first business venture as an adult: LTASEX.com, an adult sex ed blog. I���d always hustled a little bit; knew some basics this was intended to be a success and it was. It was never a BuzzFeed level steez, but I made part time money talking about dildoes and shit. That was pretty cool.

When that government money ran out, I got a second job on the phones at U of Michigan for $14/hr. I didn’t mention the EMU paper’s pay because it was less than the blog made but it was something extra and I loved the work/skills I gained there. You’re reading this and enjoying the graphics because of what I was paid to learn there. I’d never done anything more than clip art design before I got there. Now I could literally be a professional graphic designer if The Butters went belly up tomorrow.

College ends in 2014, kept my responsibilities light enough to drop but solid enough that I could live that way until I died or figured out my next move. I could feel the blog wave dying and spent a lot of time spiraling. Eventually I was psych medicated thanks to Obamacare and my brain started functioning somewhere near normal. I lost close to 200#. LTASEX is a real working org with people under me though income is light. I get into a relationship.

GRABBING AT OPPURTUNITIES

Normally that last part wouldn’t matter but being broke, culinary minded and a sex educator, I decided to finally make my own lube after years of complaining about the options available from major brands. That became The Butters. I used my sex ed connects to make a name for myself. Got in every blog I could think of, and people started buying.

Since I was in a relationship, we had 2 incomes which allowed me to perform badly enough at work (slacking and working on Butters) to be fired and really give it a go. Things go well - making very slow but important sales increases for a solo-run business. Before I know it, I’m at 50k in sales and living very well of that money alone.

Then a bit of luck hits in the form of a once-in-a-century worldwide pandemic that killed millions of people and sent the economy into a freefall so steep it’ll get its own name in the history books. That of course is dark humor to highlight the rarity of such a devastating event and the fact that I was able to make that event into a launching point for myself. It started with selling aloe for sanitizer by the gallon. Then stimulus money let people try Butters and get hooked.

We peaked in sales around this time, and it help establish us as a real functioning company now with me receiving about 100k net. Putting me in the top 14% of black male earners and top 6% overall. Income literally beyond my dreams. Not my wildest dreams but they were pretty outta pocket considering where I come from. Then comes the downturn.

Luckily for us, I only added as many people as we needed. I made plans but didn’t put money into them or sign anything major. I did over produce some products but that’s nothing clearance, gifts, and donations can’t fix. Things have leveled off and here we are. Unless we have some major downturn, I’m safe. In fact, I’m back on the growth curve.

FAQs

No, I didn’t know this venture would work. This was a risk. This was a vulnerability beyond anything I’d experienced. I took it slow and never invested anything more than I could bare to lose, even when it was just like $40. I would buy single ingredients on eBay for weeks to get my first couple batches.

Yes, I did have to learn how to be a CEO. I had signs up reminding me of CEO duties so I could make sure I was doing my job vs being just a worker. I’m still learning. I’ll be back in college for marketing and other skills that will make me a more valuable leader and the business more resilient.

I am not great at everything, but I know how to do everything. I’ve built a team around me who is better at their specific skills. I pay them well ($20/hr.) and treat them with respect. It took time and help to identify the type of people I needed and how to coach them. I had to learn these management skills just like being a CEO.  

I still work daily. I still fill jars and make products. I’m a heavily involved leader, which makes us unique in a world of bosses too good to get dirty. I’ll never be. I’ll do anything to keep this thing functioning – move heaven and earth. If I’m 60 and need to answer phones or ship product or drive across the country, my old ass will be here.

[sugar-free-fatality]

wanted to start w saying i’m from NJ, i’ve been to all places in NJ, except for rehab when i went to Long Island. i don’t know how things work in other states/countries, and i felt i was being too general with my terminology. i don’t want to misinform anyone or try to overpower voices speaking on the abuse they’ve gone through in their process towards recovery. also when i reference “facilities” i refer to psych wards/group homes/residential/rehab. outpatient programs (day programs) are a part of the larger system and are often step downs from higher care. (many just go to outpatient without ever going to a facility tho) you don’t live there and it’s usually around school hours, depending on the place from 5-2 days a week. you’ll only go to outpatient when you’re no longer seen as a threat to yourself and you’ll focus more on deep therapy than you would in a psych ward, which is only for stabilization not extreme deep therapy. but because these are just a few weeks and during the day they dont carry as much weight in mental health discussions as overnight facilities. but the outpatients i’ve been to was honestly anywhere from fine to great

my biggest thing is the place where someone is getting help. not all facilities are made the same. i think involuntarily treatment is 100% needed in many circumstances including my own. but it should always be the very last step after all other resources r exhausted/there’s no other way to keep the person safe. if all mental health facilities were clean, well staffed, and gave proper treatment this wouldn’t be a discussion. unfortunately many places r underfunded, understaffed, and have limited ways to help someone. the era of lobotomies also put a bad taste in peoples mouth whenever they hear “involuntary treatment,” when currently treatment looks very different.

honestly having support from your family/loved ones is also a HUGE aspect in recovery, and if more places focused on family involvement and rebuilding relationships at home it could save people’s lives. that’s being said many people who are institutionalized don’t have a safe family environment or loving guardians. in these cases an agency like CPS needs to step in if they’re a minor, but with the current way CPS operates i support the theory but not currently putting it in practice with more reform. this is part of the reason the staff is so vital at these facilities. kids turn to staff when struggling and i will never forget the dozens of staff members along the way who made a huge difference in my life. this includes floor staff, therapists, psychiatrists, and management.

and not all people want to get better or are able to. the mental health field is also full of underlying biases and class privilege plays one the biggest roles is finding help/the quality of help available. my two group homes were both state ran, the first much better than the other. the second one wasn’t abusive or malicious, just generally poorly managed. the rehab i went to was through insurance because no rehab in the state would take me. at least in NJ all u need is medicaid for state facilities, which even if you don’t initially have it the state agency overseeing placement in these facilities the agency will provide it for u. but even when it comes to outpatient therapists and psychiatrists, money is a huge factor.

the mental health system needs reform. sooner rather than later. but we need to maintain what we have to keep people safe. and maybe we don’t need total reform in the whole system to begin, but starting by focusing on underfunded facilities and making a high standard for these places would improve things. mental illness is also in part a product of many other problematic systems, and improving, for instance, conditions for the impoverished or queer youth, would directly lead to better mental health for those affected by these issues.

What do you mean when you talk about anti-psychiatry? Because on the surface that sounds like not getting treatment or not learning how to manage psychological disorders, and that seems like a VERY bad idea.

It's anti-psychiatry as an oppressive network of control. I don't know why people always assume that critiquing a power structure means you're saying individual people shouldn't do what they need and want to do to manage their wellbeing within said structure but those things are not the same. I'm an anarchist. I'm for disabled liberation. i'm literally never going to claim to know what an individual person should do.

If you support neurodiversity as a concept, you already support anti-psychiatry! It is literally an anti-psychiatry perspective. So is supporting self-diagnosis. Or informed consent approaches to drugs or to trans identity. Getting homosexuality removed from the DSM is an anti-psychiatry move. So is opposing forced institutionalization. So is opposing conservatorships.

The radical mental health subreddit is a great read on this. As is Nobody's Normal by Roy Grinker, Psychiatric Hegemony by Bruce Cohen, all of Jesse Meadow's writing at sluggish.substack.com, and also... all of my work.

[thepsychewrites]

Started: 1/14/2022

Last Updated: 10/3/2022

↳ Hi, I’m Psyche! Welcome to my blog, ThePsycheWrites <3

↳ Here you will find a collection of all of my works thus far. As of right now I’m writing mainly for Marvel characters, but that could always change in the future. Likes, comments, reblogs, and feedback is always appreciated. Thank you for reading, and please enjoy.

↳ Please take all warnings in my posts seriously. This blog is 18+ only and it is for a reason. Any minors caught interacting with my posts will be blocked. Have your age in your bio, or don’t interact. Minors are not welcome on this blog.

↳ Enjoying my posts? Check out my ko-fi !

ⓐ - Angst

ⓕ - Fluff

ⓢ - Smut/18+/MDNI

ⓓ - Dark/18+/MDNI

↳ Series

Ignite ⓐⓕⓢ

Ignite Pt. One

Ignite Pt. Two

Ignite Pt. Three

Ignite Pt. Four

This Series is now On Hold

After going nearly five years under the radar successfully, your whole world changes when a quick-witted and ultra determined redhead comes to your safe home in the middle of the night, hellbent on getting you to join a team and their efforts to save the human race.

Lost and Found ⓢ

After finding where Natasha had been hiding the past few months since the fall out after the Sokovia Accords, you were determined to never lose her again.

— — —

↳ Series

Coming Soon

↳ One-Shots

Little Lavender Friend ⓕⓢ

You and Bucky are best friends and have been roommates for the last few years, the two of you having your fair share of quarrels here and there. But what happens when Bucky finds something of yours he isn’t supposed to- something that keeps him up all night, tossing and turning and almost making him feeling… jealous?

Why Not ⓕ

The time you asked Bucky if he wanted to be roommates.

Gold on Your Fingertips  ⓕ

Bucky lets you paint his nails in an attempt to cheer you up.

Guardian Angel ⓐⓕ

You comfort Bucky after a bad nightmare.

Seeing Stars ⓢ

You give Bucky head for the first time.

Sweet Like Syrup ⓕ

Bucky runs out of syrup, which means that he’s now dragging you along to the store with him to get more, and no, he doesn’t care that it’s one in the morning.

Back to You ⓐⓢ

Bucky was used to running away. He never knew the feeling of coming back would be so euphoric.

Bucky’s Size Kink

Possessive!Bucky

↳ More

Roommate!Bucky Masterlist

The stories and encounters you and Bucky face as roommates, best friends, and eventual lovers.

Text Posts That Remind Me of Bucky  // ii

TCoaBH Moodboards i // ii

— — —

↳ Series

Little Dove ⓕⓢⓐ

Part One 

Part Two

Part Three

College wasn’t what you were expecting it to be. You didn’t have many friends, you didn’t party on the weekends, and your homework was always in on time. Things take a turn when your World War II instructor, Professor Rogers, asks you to stay behind one day after class. What will happen when lines get blurred, feelings get hurt, and two people from vastly different life paths fall in love?

↳ One-Shots

Reflections ⓢⓕ

An offhanded under-the-breath comment you make sets Steve off. He decides to teach you a lesson about talking like that- especially when the words are aimed at his best girl.

— — —

Repeat After Me

You get back to the apartment after spending a weekend at your parents. Jake does what he can to make you feel better.

— — —

↳ Series

Overture ⓐⓕⓢ

Overture Pt. I

Overture Pt. II

This Series is now On Hold

You and Spencer are sent on a side case that takes you deep in the Great Smoky Mountains. Why? You are the only two on the team fluent in all of the different languages the unsubs are using to communicate. The only problem? You and Spencer would kill each other if it wasn’t for the watchful eyes of your team. Will being crammed in a tiny log cabin for a week in total isolation change that? Or will you end up loathing one another even more?

↳ One-Shots

Forgetmenot ⓐⓕ

You and Spencer are feeling the aftermath of the biggest fight you have ever gotten in, one that was fueled by Emily’s return, both in life and to the BAU. Will he be able to save your friendship? More importantly, is he finally ready to confess the one lie he has kept from you?

Beige ⓕ

While he is the BAU’s residential genius, Spencer still can’t decipher tan from beige.

KINKTOBER 2022

Entry One: Double Penetration

- Mommy!WandaNat x F!Reader

My 1k Celebration Fic Rec List

Stucky Moodboard

[copperbadge]

hi Sam! do you think its a good idea to just go to a clinician/psychiatrist and say "I think I have ADHD, I'm having trouble in school and I'd really like medication for it?" Apart from the whole, I'm a minor and they might fear I'm a druggie- my ADHD symptoms has improved so much this summer when I finally left my abusive mother. My grades have always been great, and I would probably hide my neuroses on the actual interview and hyperfocus on any tests they give me so I'd score okay

Oh man, there is a lot going on in this ask. Not in a bad way! But a lot.

First, I'm glad you got away from your abuser, and I hope you're in a good place with people who are looking after you. I do think it's a good idea, if you feel you're struggling, to speak to a professional about the issue, especially if you have access to one easily. But I'd like to try and reframe your thinking a little bit, because while I understand the urge to say "I think I have ADHD and want meds, how do I get those" the underlying issue is different.

Don't get me wrong, I am really loving my Adderall and I'm not at all against medicating for issues that medication can fix, but medication doesn't always (or even usually) magically work at the perfect dose the first time out. I've never had a medication work for me like the Adderall does, and part of that is down to luck, finding the right med in the right dose on the first swing.

What you want, actually, is to find out why you're struggling, and to get help with that struggle. "Why you're struggling" may very well be ADHD, and "get help" may be medication, but framing it differently helps you to work towards a goal, instead of feeling like you're faking your way through. And it helps you get the help you need, not the help you may think you need. When I got evaluated for ADHD, I specifically asked also for an evaluation for Autism; I was pretty sure I didn't have it, but because my father did and brother does, I wanted to rule it out -- or get treatment for it, if it was that and not ADHD. I wanted a solution for my problem, but I wanted to make sure I knew what the problem WAS.

When you take an ADHD evaluation, most of them are really just a questionnaire (my eval was more extensive than most). They ask stuff like "Do you lose belongings frequently" and "Do you get told you interrupt a lot". As a student, you may be asked about your study habits, like whether you tend to do all your work last-minute, or whether you have trouble paying attention in class. Hiding behaviors, or lying about the ways you feel and act, is not going to help anyone get an accurate view of your issue, whether it's ADHD or something else. And it makes you look more like you're seeking drugs even if you aren't.

What you want to do, when speaking to someone about potentially having ADHD, is to show how you feel, behave, and act without coping mechanisms, which is different from concealing behaviors you think wouldn't be found acceptable. Do I lose my keys? Very, very rarely. You know why? Because I have a muscle-memory developed where without even thinking I put them either on a hook (at home) or in a special pocket of my bag (outside of home). Would I lose them constantly if I hadn't spent like fifteen years doing that? Sure would! When I spoke to my current psych, Dr. C., he asked me about the keys and I could have just lied and said "Yes, I lose them all the time." Instead, I said "I used to. I had to develop really strict protocols about where my keys go, and if I break protocol yeah, I do lose them." That actually made him MORE convinced I had ADHD, because he understood I saw the problem, fixed the problem, and still struggle sometimes. Context matters, it's not something you can hide if you want to get to the truth.

If you receive a diagnosis, the next step is to get help, and this is where you may need to be a little more focused on a goal. My initial evaluator suggested an "executive function coach" and coping mechanisms; she was against medication. I knew that I wouldn't benefit from a coach and I already have coping mechanisms, and I was still struggling, so I made the decision to speak to someone with a specialty in medication management, who I knew would be more open to prescribing for me. I said "My last psych recommended coping mechanisms. I'm not happy with white-knuckling my way through life anymore and I want to try medication."

Presumably you, like me, don't have a history of substance misuse or physical issues that would make it impossible to take the meds, so trying medication is an option you should be allowed to explore. But you may have to be a bit of a self-advocate there, and framing it as "I want to try this treatment option" instead of "I want medication" is a better way to go, both for yourself and for the person treating you.

This is a process where, unfortunately, we combine "You have to be open and transparent about your struggle" and "Sometimes the psychiatrist you speak to is a dickhead and will take advantage of that." It is still important to be honest, to say "I need help, I think this is how I need help, can you confirm this for me" and just know that if your dickhead alarm goes off, you can smile and nod and go get a second opinion later. Hopefully you have someone in your corner who can help you with this, since as a young person your dickhead alarm is not yet finely tuned. (No shade; it's probably better than mine was at your age.)

At the end of the day, I hope you're safe, I wish you luck, and I want you to get a diagnosis and some GREAT meds. I just think it's really important for someone to tell you that you don't have to hide parts of yourself in order to get there. You're in a new part of your life now, hopefully with people who care about you, and relearning how to feel safe and be vulnerable in that safety can be really difficult and also very frightening. But it's good for you, and it's the best possible way to get the help you need. GOOD LUCK!