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artificialqueens · 4 years ago

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Me and You Together, 4/10 (Taywhora) - Ortega

fic summary: The cardinal rule of having flatmates is that you Do Not Catch Feelings For Your Flatmates, because everything inevitably goes to shit and gets made horrifically awkward. A’whora and Tayce both know this, but being in first year of uni and making good decisions have never really gone hand in hand.

a/n: fam this response is crazy it really is…thank u all so much for the love, kudos and comments, i’m so sorry if i’ve not managed to reply to urs yet but know that i’ve read them all and cherish every one and i will get round to replying and yelling some love and thanks at u soon!!! pls enjoy this chapter in which A'whora does not possess the flat’s shared brain cell at any point. that being said, i wish all the readers of this fic a very pleasant italicised ‘oh’ xo

last chapter: January-Tayce and A’whora still had unfinished business from a night out and a hungover morning in December.

this chapter: October- The gang make plans for their first year together, Tia gives everyone plans for the evening, and A'whora has a realisation that will change the dynamic of her friendship with Tayce forever.

***

“Bimini, what is it you’re actually doing?”

A’whora’s intrigued by the way her flatmate’s sitting on the sofa: legs crossed, notepad in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and looking deep in thought. They’ve not long since stretched over the smoke detector with a sock, having long since established nobody in the flat minds them smoking indoors as long as the windows are open. Lawrence is beside them on the other end of the sofa having been to all the lectures that’re required of her already today and has got a bright pink, blue and purple-flecked ball of yarn hanging from two knitting needles, with which she seems to be knitting some sort of cosy accessory. It’s a wholesome picture that’s playing out in front of A’whora, one that’s miles away from the raucous, drunk nights they’ve all shared in the first month of uni so far.

“Okay, here’s what it is,” Bimini starts, clicking their long nails together. “I am making us a freshers bucket list, and I want your input.”

“Ooh!” Lawrence perks up beside them, and A’whora, interest piqued, picks up the bowl of pasta, butter and cheese she’s spent all of five minutes making and crosses the room to sit beside her flatmates.

She knows it’s only been a month so far, but she really loves everyone she’s living with. For a start, there are four of them that take classes at the art college (the ‘art hoes’, as Tayce calls them), so they all get to walk to lectures together and hang about between classes and workshops with each other depending on how their days are going. Bimini is almost always in the flat, with not a lot of contact hours making up their journalism degree, so they’re a comforting presence for A’whora to come home to at whatever hour of the day, always asking how she is and always offering to make her coffee. Tia is sweet and funny (if ever-so-slightly grating to her at first) and they’ve bonded over being the only two flatmates seemingly able to keep the place clean and tidy. Lawrence is endearing and big-hearted, if A’whora spends half her life hoping that her next prank isn’t involving her in some way (Ellie is usually the butt of them). Ellie herself is one of A’whora’s closest flatmates; they’ll often stay up half the night finishing prototypes or assignments together, all while watching a film which they have spookily similar taste in- they’ve agreed on 101 and 102 Dalmatians, Hocus Pocus, and The Wizard of Oz so far.

And then there’s Tayce, who A’whora thinks is both the absolute carbon copy of herself and yet also so different, the yin to her yang. Tayce has been her closest friend in the flat since day one when she booted the door to her room down and dragged her out of her emotional stupor, and that’s really what’s set the tone for the rest of their friendship; Tayce, upbeat and motivating, constantly and infectiously helping A’whora feel the same way even when she doesn’t want to go out, or doesn’t feel like dragging herself out of her room for a chill flat night with the others, or even when she just feels like a heap of shit. She’s such a fun and positive person to be around, relentlessly optimistic and goofy, and she brings out that side of A’whora too. As opposed to during sixth form and high school, where she’d put up a front to make sure nobody fucked with her, A’whora finds that at uni she can be the person she truly is and let her guard down a little.

This includes being open about her sexuality for the first time ever. She’s out to her family (for the better or worse), but nobody else back home knows (not even her friends) and she wants to keep it that way for now. But at uni things are different- nobody knows her here, nobody has these preconceived ideas of who she is and who she has to be, so she’d taken the plunge and been open about everything. None of the others had cared of course, in fact they’d all been too excited about the fact there’s not a single straight person in their flat comprised of four lesbians (Tayce, Lawrence, Tia and A’whora), one bi (Ellie) and one pan (Bimini).

“What’ve you got so far?” A’whora asks Bimini, sitting down on the sofa opposite her two flatmates.

Bimini reads off their notepad. “Casino night, bottomless brunch…get the train down to Newcastle, have a big night out, stay out all night an’ get the first train home-”

“Christ, that’ll be a challenge for me, you know I get sleepy around midnight,” Lawrence chuckles.

Bimini shrugs. “We’ll just get you an IV drip of Ellie’s Monster, you’ll be alright.”

“What else’ve you got?”

“That’s it so far.”

A’whora spears a pasta spiral, tilts her head in thought as she eats it. “Get drunk in a lecture.”

“Aw, good one!” Lawrence cries enthusiastically. Bimini, for their part, frowns with disapproval.

“Wait, no! Not a good one. Not a good one at all. It’s alright for you art school bitches, you’ve got some lectures together and you can coordinate, where does that leave me n’ Tia?”

“I guess that leaves you…downing a bottle of five pound chardonnay on the back bench of a lecture hall like a tramp with a drinking problem,” Lawrence shrugs, A’whora yelping out a laugh as Bimini shoves Lawrence with their foot.

Just then, there’s movement in the hall and as A’whora turns around she’s greeted by the sight of a tired-looking Tayce and Ellie walking into the kitchen. They shrug off their coats and take off their shoes and dump their bags on the kitchen table with a huff before they walk over to the others. Tayce spreads herself out over the sofa that A’whora’s sitting on, thudding her feet onto her lap without asking permission, to which A’whora instantly pushes them off her and gets a glare and a smirk in return.

“Lawrie, are you knitting?” Ellie laughs, sitting on the arm of the sofa beside her.

“Yeah? And?”

Ellie snorts in amusement. “Just didn’t realise we were living with a wee granny.”

“Well actually, bawbag! I was in the middle of making you a scarf because I can’t stand to listen to you talking shite about how you’re cold every time we leave the flat, but I can leave it if you want,” Lawrence explains. A’whora thinks it’s funny how Ellie backtracks immediately; she can’t tell if she’s blushing or just out of breath from scaling their block’s stairs. Bimini gains control of the conversation, tilting their head in intrigue.

“How were your lectures, huns?”

“Shit, thanks for asking,” Tayce groans, thudding her head down dramatically against the sofa cushions. “I don’t know, I just can’t concentrate when I’m getting talked at for an hour at a time. I need to be doing stuff, you know?”

“Feel that,” Ellie joins in, deflated. A’whora can sympathise- she loves the practical elements of her course, but not so much the lectures. She’s glad she shares a lot of them with Ellie, and the two of them can dick about and text each other and doodle designs in their notebooks while keeping one ear on whoever’s speaking.

“Well if you want to be doing something, you can help us with this,” Bimini suggests, explaining the bucket list they’ve been making.

The girls get settled and the ideas start to flow, Lawrence putting her speakers on for background noise as they all come up with new and increasingly more chaotic exploits. Ellie suggests trying every cocktail in Levels which gets scribbled down into Bimini’s notepad, and Tayce suggests going to Levels sober, which doesn’t get afforded the same appreciation. A’whora comes up with crashing the catered halls for breakfast one day, which they all agree is a good idea but the chances of it actually happening are low considering the earliest riser in the flat is Tayce and even she doesn’t waken up til half nine on a weekend.

“What’re some clubs we’ve not been to yet?” Bimini asks, shrugging. “Could put those down, try an’ visit every one in the city?”

Lawrence snorts derisively. “You go to Underground if you want your phone stolen, Velvet if you want to be bullied by fifteen year olds in the toilets, and Crystal if you want to subject yourself to painful misogyny and probably some light sexual assault.”

“So none of those, then,” Bimini murmurs.

“Those are all really het as well, though,” Ellie wrinkles her nose up in distaste. Then her face lights up as she gets an idea. “Oh! Put down Pride in July.”

“Nice one,” Bimini nods as they scribble down Ellie’s suggestion, the others making little hums of approval.

The conversation goes on for quite some time. Halfway through it Tayce seems to decide she’s bored of lying down and instead moves to sit on the floor between A’whora’s legs, asking her to play with her hair. They’ll do this sometimes- it’s a routine they fall into, A’whora being able to style Tayce’s endlessly long, straight hair and Tayce finding the whole thing therapeutic. They have a lot of little routines like this: they’ll sit close together on the sofa during a flat movie night and take turns leaning on each others’ shoulders, spontaneously give each other hugs at random points throughout the day, trace patterns into each others’ palms when the other seems stressed.

It’s nice. A’whora’s never really had a friendship like this, soft and caring and kind. In school her group was the kind that made catty jokes about each other then buffered them with a “love you!” afterwards and took kissy-face group selfies only to bitch about each other on a private group chat mere hours later. If it was a wolfpack then it was rabid and cannibalistic, and it had seemed like a full-time job ensuring she was never the runt of it. What she’s got with all her flatmates now- especially Tayce- makes her feel like she can finally breathe.

“What about the Centurion Challenge?” Lawrence suggests with a small gasp, breaking A’whora’s reverie as she expertly twirls Tayce’s hair into a loose and chunky French plait.

“Jesus Christ, Lawrence,” Ellie mutters in amusement.

“What’s the Centurion Challenge?” Bimini asks, pulling a face.

Lawrence gives a blythe shrug as she elaborates. “A hundred shots in a hundred minutes.”

A’whora ruins Tayce’s braid in shock, her hair untwisting itself from the braid as if it’s outraged too. The cry she gives joins in harmony with that of Tayce’s and Bimini’s. “A hundred shots? You’d fucking die!”

“Not of vodka! Obviously not of vodka! I know we all have one communal brain cell between us but Christ, can one of yous not use it?!” Lawrence protests. “It’s a hundred shots of beer. Don’t shit yourselves.”

“Aw, well that’s alright then,” Bimini pipes up sarcastically. “What’s actually wrong with Scottish people? Is your breastmilk spiked with whiskey? What d’you get instead of Cow and Gate formula, just cocaine?"

“Actually, a hundred shots of beer sounds more doable to me,” Tayce shrugs, and A’whora can feel her relax against her lap.

“I’d need to change it, I can’t stand beer,” A’whora considers. Ellie cocks her head in consideration.

“Well what alcohol do you like?”

“Fucking none of it,” A’whora laughs. “Cocktails. Vodka cokes. Anything where there’s juice to cover it up.”

Tayce twists her head to look up at her, a little twinkle of mischief in her eye. “I think the challenge ceases to be a challenge when it’s reduced to one hundred watered down shots of Woo Woo, Rory.”

As the others blurt out a laugh A’whora glares down at Tayce, but she can’t help but break out into a giggle too when Tayce grabs her knee and gives it a playful wobble, letting her know she was only joking without even having to say a thing.

A’whora’s not sure what time it is when she hears the front door swing shut and Tia emerges from the hallway, her long hair all messed up from the seemingly ever-present wind outside and almost obscuring the bright smile plastered on her face. “Hey, huns!”

“Oi oi,” Tayce greets her from her position on the floor. “What’s got you so smiley?”

“Nooothing,” Tia smirks, dragging the word out playfully. “Just got an invite to the night out of a very cute girl in my MT society…and she said you guys can all come too. Pres at her flat and then out to The Avenue. Evening plans sorted?”

“Oh, love that!” Bimini gives an enthusiastic clap. “Go on then, who’s the girl? Whose night are we crashing?”

“Her name’s Veronica,” Tia smiles bashfully. “She’s so lovely. Honestly, she wouldn’t mind you coming! She’s got one of the big flats over at Gourock Court so it’s not like it’ll be packed.”

“You don’t exactly want to go to a party that’s not going to be packed,” Ellie screws up her nose. She looks unimpressed and her tone is flat. “And even if it is, I don’t know if I’m in the mood for a flat party with a ton of new people, Tia.”

A’whora’s face drops and she locks eyes with Lawrence simultaneously, who’s got an equally incredulous look on her face. “Els, are you unwell? You never turn down a night out.”

Ellie shrugs quietly, not giving much away on her face. Tia, obviously keen to move to the girl she’s crushing on, carries on persuading her. “C’mon, Eleanor, don’t be such a fucking…square! It’s the musical theatre society, we’re just a walking Pride festival who all happen to be able to hold a tune. There’s loads of fit lesbians?”

“Well if I wasn’t convinced before, I sure am now,” Tayce purrs, a little smile appearing on her lips and a cheeky twinkle in her eyes. A’whora feels her laugh come out weakly. She doesn’t know why, but an odd, uncomfortable feeling lodges itself in her gut. She can’t quite put her finger on what exactly it is or why it’s put itself there.

“And there’s gonna be so many musicals on the playlist!” Tia continues to insist, despite being met with Ellie’s sour face. “I know you’ll love it! They’d probably even play stuff from Shrek if you got them drunk enough.”

A’whora can’t help but scrunch up her nose in distaste. “Hey, I’m only coming if they play fucking…normal people music as well. I’m not gonna be sat in a room with twenty white kids trying to rap to Hamilton or whatever the fuck it is.”

Tia rolls her eyes, plants her hands on her hips in exasperation. “Calm down, A’whora, you’ll still get all the top 40 dance-pop shit you love so much.”

“To be honest, it sounds class. And The Avenue’s always good,” Bimini cuts in calmly. A’whora does have to agree with that. They’ve not been there in a while- the bar across the road from the city’s most popular LGBT club- and its selection of early 00s pop princess tracks combined with its deal of two vodka mixers and a shot for a fiver makes it a guaranteed good night out.

“Well it seems like we’re all down, even if this stroppy cow isn’t,” Tia smiles happily, sticking her tongue out at Ellie for good measure. Ellie finally heaves a world-weary sigh, rolling her eyes dramatically as she relents.

“Ugh, fine! Fine, but this Verruca or whatever the hell she’s called better be the hottest bitch on the planet for you to drag us all out with your MT weirdos, Tia Maria,” she grumps. Tia ignores her bad mood and lets out a cheer which the others join in with, and A’whora resolves to interrogate Ellie about her Bitter Betty attitude later on. Preferably when they’re both drunk. That always makes things easier.

In the melee of excitement, Tayce twists round from her position on the carpet, folds her arms and rests them on top of A’whora’s thighs. “Right. You need to come help me choose an outfit if we’re going out. I need to look fit.”

A’whora smiles with pride. “Ooh, personal stylist duties? I’m honoured.”

“Well I’m hardly gonna ask Tia, am I?” Tayce giggles quietly, and A’whora joins in like it’s a little secret they’re sharing. “Or Ellie. She’d just send me out in one of her bodysuit/skirt combos. I swear to God that girl is like Marge bloody Simpson. Open up her wardrobe and she’ll have twenty sets of the same outfit. Serial killer behaviour, that.”

At this point A’whora is laughing so much that it draws the attention of the others, who eye them with suspicious stares. “What the hell’s so funny?”

A’whora gives Tayce a mischievous look. “Tayce just called Ellie a serial killer.”

Tayce yelps in outrage at having been called out, and as Ellie narrows her eyes Tayce leaps up from the floor and tugs A’whora off of the sofa with her. “That’s taking it out of context, you absolute hound! Come on, help me pick something.”

Tayce’s fingers stay curled around A’whora’s hand all the way down the corridor and into her bedroom. It’s a feeling that A’whora likes because it makes her feel close to her friend, and Tayce taking her hand is like an affirmation and a reassurance all in one; that she likes her, that their friendship has reached the level where hand-holding has become acceptable, that A’whora is worthy of being liked, of being someone’s friend- their real, proper friend. The validation sets her heart off like a flare. It’s nice to feel wanted.

A’whora perches on the edge of Tayce’s bed as she scrapes the coat hangers in her wardrobe and throws outfits onto the bed like a tornado, each more gorgeous than the last and all ones Tayce would look stunning in. That’s something that always strikes A’whora about Tayce; just how beautiful she is, how absolutely blessed with the God-given good genes. The way she looks serene and ethereal without makeup, walking to lectures in the morning with the sun hitting her face and giving her skin a glow. The way she paints for a night out and knows how to accentuate everything about her face that’s already perfect, a feat that would seem like an exaggeration if A’whora hadn’t seen it for herself to confirm it’s true. She frequently finds herself having to hold back from giving compliments to Tayce because if she started she’d never stop.

“Okay, first thoughts are…” Tayce announces unnecessarily loudly, and A’whora laughs at the way she’s talking as if she’s a stylist on a morning TV show. “…I’m thinking something black.”

“Of course you are,” A’whora interrupts with a laugh. “Tayce wearing black. How predictable.”

Tayce gives her a shove on the shoulder that’s too hard and makes her fall back against the mattress. “Shut up! I’ll wear something other than black when Lawrence wears something other than purple, how’s about that?”

The pair of them giggle at the joke as Tayce rifles through the clothes she’s shortlisted, holding up a black leather jacket and a black bralet with an intricate lace hem. The combination makes A’whora’s eyes fly wide open in appreciation.

“This?” Tayce raises an eyebrow at her inquisitively. The fact she’s obviously seen her reaction makes A’whora feel a little self-conscious and she doesn’t particularly know why. “Because I’m wanting to wear either my wet-look leggings or my black vinyl skirt with the zip up the front, and I don’t know if that’s too much leather effect stuff?”

“It’s too much,” A’whora nods, physically unable to help her honesty. “Also I think you should wear the skirt because you’ve got good legs and you should get them out any chance you get. But also the bralet won’t go with it because it’ll make your proportions all wrong.”

Tayce smiles appreciatively as she throws the bralet back into her wardrobe as if A’whora’s given her a command and not a suggestion. “See, this is another reason why you’re the queen of outfit advice. Bimini wouldn’t give me this level of honesty, they’re too nice.”

A’whora feels a warmth spread in her chest at the compliment, but she doesn’t show it. Instead she snorts, nods in agreement. “Yeah, because you could come out dressed in a pair of child’s pyjamas and they’d still say they love it. They’d say it’s very Y2K or something.”

Tayce lets out a cackle before holding up the skirt and leather jacket, humming in thought. “Okay, so you’re saying ditch the jacket but keep the skirt.”

“Yes.”

“And ditch the bralet.”

“Yes.”

“So you want me to go out in a skirt and a pair of heels and nothing else,” Tayce raises an eyebrow at her, and as A’whora bursts out laughing and protests she has to fight off a blush at the thought of her best friend topless in heels. Topless in heels and a vinyl skirt. Topless in heels and a vinyl skirt with a zip that could just be pulled down to leave her in-

The heat floods A’whora’s face like she’s been smacked and she shifts on the bed in an attempt at dissipating the feelings that’ve hit her like a tsunami. Inappropriate. Weird. Way too weird. Don’t do that again.

“What about the bright blue fur coat you’ve got? Because you could have an all black outfit with that as a bit of colour,” she suggests, shrugging lightly in an attempt to pretend that she hadn’t just been thinking about Tayce in the way she had.

Tayce’s face lights up and she points at A’whora with one hand and reaches into her wardrobe with the other. “Love that. Okay, top?”

“Are you addressing me? I’ve never topped for anyone,” A’whora attempts a joke. If Tayce can make jokes like that to her then she can do it right back.

“That’s very clear, baby,” Tayce shoots in response without missing a beat. Before A’whora realises it, she’s flexing her toes. What the fuck is happening to her? She needs to steer this conversation back on track.

She thinks for a second. “You’re a size eight, right?”

“In theory. The amount of pot noodles I’ve been chucking down my neck since I moved in is very quickly rendering that a distant memory, I’ll tell ya,” Tayce says, as she leans against the door of her wardrobe and folds her arms.

“I’ve got a black lace bodysuit that would go with that. It’s a ten so it’ll fit. D’you want to try it?”

“Well despite the fact a skirt and a bodysuit was the very thing I just roasted Ellie for always wearing…that sounds lush. Thanks, Rory Roo,” Tayce agrees, the nickname-of-a-nickname setting off the click of a small pilot light in A’whora’s heart. She’s about to ask if she wants to come try it on just now when she hears both their names being yelled from the kitchen.

The pair of them head back through to find that Tia has changed the playlist on the speakers from the chilled-out, calm acoustic one that had been playing to her early 00’s tunes. Combined with Bimini half-singing, half-yelling along to Murder on the Dancefloor and the blast of the extractor fan as Ellie stirs something in a big metal pot at the hob, it’s a far cry from the calm, cosy scene that A’whora had witnessed in the kitchen some hours prior.

Ellie had been the one who had shouted on them, and she whips around from the cooker when she realises that Tayce and A’whora have come through. “I’m making dinner for me, Bims and Tia, you wanting some?”

“Depends what it is. Come on, talk it up, Ellie. Give us some options,” Tayce shrugs with feigned disinterest, and A’whora can’t help the bubble of laughter that bursts from her mouth as Ellie narrows her eyes at her.

“It’s spaghetti and meatballs, and your alternatives are fuck off or die,” she shoots back savagely, and the whoop of shock and laughter that goes up from the others soars above the music and the fan. Tayce laughs good-naturedly in spite of the barb.

“I’m joking, ‘course I’ll take some.”

A’whora wrinkles her nose. “You’re making meatballs for a meal that Bimini is gonna eat?”

“They’re not real ones, dipshit,” Bimini pipes up from over on the sofa. “It’s that Birdseye Green Cuisine shit, innit.”

“Birdseye Green Cuisine shit,” A’whora repeats disdainfully. “If you ever go on The Apprentice, Bim, Alan Sugar’s gonna shit himself at your selling abilities.”

Tayce snorts, tries and fails to cover it up. When her eyes rest on A’whora they share a little smile, and A’whora’s grows bigger when she thinks about the way they’re both so in sync all the time.

“They’re nice, I promise! Veronica’s talked them up loads, she told me she’s been trying to eat more veggie things,” Tia insists, with an entirely unnecessary namedrop of her crush. A’whora relents and says she’ll have a small bowl before jumping out of her skin as Ellie bangs the spoon against the pot somewhat aggressively with a face like thunder.

Before A’whora can ask Ellie about her bad mood, Tia speaks again as she scrolls her phone to change the song. “Honestly, Ellie, you’re a star for doing dinner. Thanks so much.”

“Aw, don’t be silly, doll! It’s nothing!” Ellie turns around from the hob and bats the compliment away, shooting Tia a dazzling smile in return. It’s funny the way her demeanour seems to instantly do a complete 180 at the praise, and it makes A’whora wonder what’s changed.

She’s distracted, though, by the way Lawrence enters in her dressing gown with her hair up in a towel, obviously having come straight from the shower. She pouts and whines in a very un-Lawrence way as she lingers at the doorframe between the hall and the kitchen.

“Guysss, does anyone have an ID they can give me for tonight?”

“What about your friend? Who was it…Rosé?” A’whora shrugs, and Lawrence fixes her with a wide-eyed stare of incredulity.

“Oh my God, A’whora! I never thought about asking the girl I’ve been borrowing ID from since the start of uni! Thanks for that!” she says sarcastically, Bimini giving a yelp of laughter and A’whora leaning off the countertops and swiping at Lawrence in retort. “She’s using it. She asked her girlfriend and her flatmates for me but they’ve all got plans. I felt like a fuckin’ daytime TV charity advert.”

“For just one pound a week, you could help an underaged child get blackout drunk on triple trebles,” A’whora puts on a dramatic, concerned voice, proud of the way it makes Tayce blurt out a laugh.

“It’s such fucking bullshit,” Lawrence huffs, leaning against the fridge and folding her arms. “I mean my eighteenth’s in five days and I’ve been drinking in parks since I was fourteen, how can I not just be let into a fuckin’ bar?”

“Grow up and order a fake one,” Ellie shakes her head with incredulity, smashing the wooden spoon against the pot again with a bang-bang-bang to get the excess pasta sauce off.

“Just you pipe down, hen, you shouldn’t even be at uni. In fact, have you even completed primary yet?”

The two girls stick their tongues out at each other, a mirror-image of petty bickering that makes A’whora laugh. Luckily Bimini steps in, shrugging as they open their purse.

“Here, babe. I’ve still got my course friend’s provisional from when she dropped it on Gordon Street when she was off her face. I ain’t given her it back yet an’ I’m sure she wouldn’t care if you borrowed it. She’s chill.”

Lawrence accepts enthusiastically, bouncing over to Bimini and thanking them gratefully. A’whora watches her face drop, though, when she takes a look at the photo.

“There’s no way this’ll work.”

Bimini tuts and shakes their head, the picture of casual composure. “It’s fine, babes, they never look properly anyway.”

Lawrence drops the hand that’s holding the license to her side and fixes her friend with an astounded glare. “Bimini. This girl is black.”

As the others screech with outrage and mirth, Bimini waves Lawrence’s concerns away blithely. “It’ll be dark! It’s fine! Asttina an’ you have both got similar…well…you’re both girls, an’ you’re about the same height. Give or take a few inches.”

“Christ. I’m going to have to just forward roll past the bouncers, aren’t I? Then draw a fuckin’ club stamp on my arm in Sharpie.”

“Oh my God, stop moaning!” Ellie sighs from her position at the hob, bangs the spoon again for emphasis. “Look, I’ll ask Pippa from flat 2, alright? You both have brown hair, so…that’ll probably be enough.”

A’whora thinks it’s interesting the way Lawrence doesn’t shoot something back in her foghorn of a voice like she normally does. Instead she smiles warmly, dashes over to the kitchen where she hugs Ellie from behind, squeezing her tightly at the stomach and making her flinch in surprise.

“Thanks, Ellie-Bellie,” she sing-songs, swaying her aggressively from side to side until Ellie bats her away, flicking the spoon in a way that threatens to shower them both in marinara sauce.

“Right, that’s plenty. Don’t even do things I enjoy for that long.”

“When’s this gonna be ready, Els?” Bimini shouts through as Lawrence lets go. “ ‘Ave I got time to do my makeup before it?”

Ellie shrugs. “If you can do your makeup in ten minutes.”

A’whora kicks her leg out in Tayce’s direction and jerks her head towards the hall. “Do you want to try on that bodysuit before tea?”

Tayce nods enthusiastically in agreement, so they go back along the corridor with a shout to the others telling them they won’t be long. A’whora holds the door of her room open for Tayce and her heart sinks in embarrassment when she realises she forgot to make her bed this morning.

“Sorry about the mess,” she apologies, to which Tayce gives a cry of a laugh in response.

“A’whora, have you seen my room? You’re fine, kid, don’t worry.”

A’whora thinks that’s true- Tayce’s room is a state, but somehow it seems to suit her. Tayce’s room with the crowded bulletin board, desk covered in sweet wrappers and sketches, floor carpeted with clothes that need washed and outfits that didn’t make the cut. The cracked picture frame on her window-sill of the first selfie the six of them all got together on the first night of freshers and the huge cheese plant that sits next to her bedside table, Tayce’s pride and joy. They’re all little intricate shards that join up to form a perfect picture of her personality, and A’whora thinks it’s sort of perfect.

She looks out the bodysuit from its neatly Marie Kondo-d place in her wardrobe and hands it gently to Tayce. “Try it and see. It’s a small 10 anyway so it’ll probably be fine for you.”

Tayce accepts it gratefully and hooks a finger around both of the straps, letting the rest of the material fall out of its perfectly folded little parcel. She gives a little gasp of appreciation as she looks at it. “Oh yes, baby. I think this’ll do just fine.”

A’whora feels good- proud that she’s managed to find the perfect piece for Tayce’s outfit, to help her look as inevitably gorgeous as she knows she will. The smile on her face falters, though, when Tayce shoots her a wink and leans against the wall with her shoulder. “This is gonna get me someone I can pop off my acrylics for, I can tell. You’ve got the best taste, girl.”

“Are you actually going to try and get with someone tonight?” A’whora injects a laugh into her question that she’s banking on sounding genuine, otherwise it comes across as accusatory and that’s not what she means it to be. Or is it? She doesn’t know. “You know how messy nights at The Avenue always get. Last time we were there Lawrence got so drunk she told us she couldn’t see, remember?”

Tayce laughs her off with a shrug. “Well then I’ll just have to be careful with my drinks, won’t I?”

A’whora gives a false laugh, tries so hard to get it to meet her eyes. Why is she so pressed about this? She gets with girls on nights out too, she’s brought the occasional one night stand to the flat. Tayce is allowed to do the same.

So why does she feel ever so slightly gutted?

If her smile looks fake (which it is) then Tayce doesn’t notice, and she only shoots her a smile as she opens the bedroom door. “You’re an angel. I’ll pop this on then be back in five.”

A’whora takes the opportunity of Tayce having left to make her bed, and as she does so she feels lots of little thoughts dart around her mind like minnows, none of them staying in the same place for long enough to be able to be deciphered. She manages to catch a few before they flee away and she clings to them, turning them over in her head: why does she feel so bothered about the prospect of Tayce finding a girl at the party, talking to her and making a connection and laughing at her jokes? Why had it felt like a punch to the gut when Tayce was joking about doing so? Why does she have this part of her that feels like an idiot for setting Tayce up to look her best and knowing that it’s for the benefit of somebody else, somebody that doesn’t know her like she does?

And then her bedroom door opens and A’whora turns around and lays eyes on her best friend. Tayce in her high heels and bare legs and the skirt with the zip. Tayce with her baby blue fake fur coat and her straight, dark hair tumbling over its shoulders. Tayce in the bodysuit- A’whora’s bodysuit- with the lace and the mesh that clings to her chest like it was designed just for her. There’s something about the fact that she’s wearing something that belongs to A’whora that makes something inside her chest tingle, the fact it’s a little piece of her in Tayce’s jigsaw puzzle that seems to fit regardless of the difference.

“What d’you think?” Tayce smiles, all too aware of how drop-dead stunning she looks.

And then the realisation hits A’whora like a train.

Oh.

Fuck.

She’s screwed.

#rpdr fanfiction #rpdr uk #ortega #me and you together #taywhora #uk2 #lesbian au #university au #british au #college au #freshers au #roommate au #tayce #a'whora #friends with benefits to lovers #lawrence chaney #ellie diamond #bimini bon boulash #tia kofi

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thebloggerbloggerfun · 5 years ago

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Watched

AO3

Dean was being watched.

That was impossible, of course, because Sam and Eileen were out for the night on a date, Castiel was on his weekly therapeutic grocery shopping trip, and Dean was by himself in the bunker’s laundry room.

And yet -

He paused after tossing a ball of wadded up flannel into the washer and looked over his shoulder into the empty space around him.

Dean huffed out a breath and shook his head.

He was just getting paranoid.

It was two in the morning and Dean was humming to himself in his boxers and robe as he cooked a spontaneous omelette that his stomach had demanded - he was but a servant to its nightly whims.

And then he felt it again.

Something was watching him.

Dean froze when the sensation washed over him, familiar in a foreign way but not familiar enough to bring him any kind of comfort.

In one smooth motion that years of hunting had ingrained in him, Dean grabbed a knife from his fancy knife block that he’d splurged on during a different late night and whipped around, only catching a glimpse of a tan trench coat as it left the door frame.

Letting out a relieved breath, Dean poked his head out the door and frowned when the only thing that greeted him was a dark hallway.

“Cas?” He called, lowering his knife.

The hallway didn’t answer.

“So, are you doing like a voyeurism thing now, or what?”

Castiel looked up from the fantasy novel he’d been reading, glanced both to his left and right like there was a possibility that Dean could possibly be talking to someone else in the middle of the bunker’s library where only the two of them had been for the past couple of hours.

“What?”

“You heard me,” Dean gestured towards him with a book in one hand, “It’s fucking creepy, dude. You have my full permission to stare longingly at this mug whenever you want but you’re gonna get another knife in the chest if you keep up trying to be sneaky about it. I’ve got hunter instincts, man.”

Castiel blinked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He said after a moment’s pause.

“I’ve seen you.” Dean said with an eye-roll. “The jig is up.”

“Dean, I genuinely don’t know what you’re referring to.” Castiel said with a frown. “I’ve never spied on you.”

Castiel seemed to take a moment to reevaluate something.

“In recent years.” He amended.

“Ha!”

“Dean -”

“Alright, well, if it’s not you, who is it?”

Castiel shrugged his shoulders once.

“I haven’t detected anyone entering the bunker that isn’t supposed to be here.” Castiel said, his eyes flicking back down to his reading. “Maybe you have a ghost.”

Dean squinted at Castiel, looking for any sign that he was being messed with, and sat back down in his chair.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

The cashiers in the liquor store nearest to the bunker knew Dean by name - in fact they’d picked it up easily in the first month he and Sam had moved in.

Dean gestured towards the empty row of booze that held his favorite whiskey as he groaned loudly and dramatically.

“Nathalie! Who cleaned you out?”

His favorite of the cashiers leaned over from the next aisle and raised an eyebrow.

“You did, Dean. Like four days ago. We only restock once a week.”

Dean made another loud groaning sound.

“I’m my own worst enemy.”

Nathalie began to blow a large bubble with gum the same bright color of her hair and stared at him as it popped.

“Aren’t we all.”

She ducked back down into the aisle.

Dean grumbled some more as he grabbed some of his less-than-favorable second choices of whiskey and set the last bottle into his cart just as the hair on the back of his neck began to stand on end.

Again.

He didn’t move, just stared down at the final bottle as he tried to focus on the corners of his vision.

Tan coat, dark hair, blue tie.

Dean let out a breath and turned to confront him, but the figure had ducked back out of view.

Shopping cart abandoned, Dean strode forward quickly, looking down the aisle, ready to catch him red-handed, but only saw Nathalie taking stock.

“Hey, did you see - uh -”

“That guy you’re with sometimes?” Nathalie, jerked a thumb behind herself. “Yeah, he went -”

She frowned as she glanced in the direction she’d pointed out.

“Well he was there.”

And now there was nothing.

“Dean, I am telling you. I don’t know what it is you’re seeing but it’s not me.” Castiel set the bags down on the kitchen table as he began putting the food he’d just purchased into the fridge.

“Look, if you’re trying to get me back for beating you at Uno this is a really fucking weird way -”

“It’s not me. I don’t know how many times I have to say it.”

Dean threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.

“Then what’s fucking happening? Am I going nuts in my old age?”

“You’re in your forties.”

“In hunter-years I’m decrepit.”

Castiel set the milk on the table with a little bit more force than Dean thought was necessary.

“Dean. Listen to me. I have no need to spy on you. I get to look at you all I want, whenever I want, and I also gain the benefit of having you look back.” For a moment, Castiel almost looked fond. “I’m very lucky to have that in life, and it’s something I don’t take for granted. So, whatever is happening to you, it’s not -”

Castiel stopped mid-sentence and Dean felt Castiel’s gaze go slack, like he was no longer staring at him, but somehow staring through him.

“What?” Dean asked.

“Uh,” Castiel shook his head, coming back to himself, “Nothing. I just… had a thought.”

Dean waited.

“Care to share with the class?”

“You should. . . try talking. . . to whatever it is.” Castiel said finally, turning to place the milk in the fridge. “You never know.”

“Talking to it.”

Castiel nodded.

“I swear to god, if this some sort of prank -”

Castiel turned around, and Dean shut up.

That wasn’t a look he saw on Castiel often.

“Come on. Help me put everything else away.”

The feeling came again at night.

Dean rubbed at his eyes as he walked down the hallway, his bladder now blissfully emptier than it had been when he’d been woken up by it.

The hair on his neck began to prickle as he shuffled past doorways and connecting halls in his slippers and robe, and out of the corner of one eye he saw the figure.

Standing in the hallway to his right.

Dean stopped.

“Don’t go.” He said, not daring to turn his head yet.

The figure shifted ever so slightly, but didn’t completely disappear.

“I know you’ve been watching me.” Dean’s voice was just above a whisper. “You’ve been doing it a lot. What do you want?”

The figure didn’t move.

Dean took a risk, turned his head, and there, in the middle of the hallway, was Castiel.

“You said -” Dean started, then stopped himself as he looked at the figure in front of him.

It wasn’t Castiel.

Not really.

He had the same clothes, the same vessel, the same everything - but this was not a Castiel that Dean was familiar with. He held himself like he was either being weighed down by the weight of the sky or was slowly being coaxed towards whatever lay beneath the surface of the earth. Maybe both.

His eyes were the most off-putting.

They were sunken and dark, staring back at him with equal parts joy and misery all tied up together in a neat little bow of fear.

It was Castiel, but it wasn’t Castiel.

It reminded him of a Castiel he’d seen only once before.

“Dean.”

The voice cracked - like a dam that was on the verge of collapse.

“Cas -” Dean swallowed, trying to put this all together in his head.

The Castiel in front of him sagged visibly, and half a sob caught in his throat as he took a step backward.

“I’m sorry -” Castiel stammered, “I shouldn’t have come -”

“Wait.” Dean took a step forward to make up what he’d lost. “Cas.”

Castiel stood miserably still.

“. . . When are you from?”

Castiel said nothing for a long few moments, just stood silently and stared down at the floor.

When he looked up again, he’d managed to regain a small semblance of composure.

“Two thousand and ninety four.” He said softly.

Dean let out a breath that was half out of disbelief.

“Wow.” He scratched at the back of his head. “And uh... how is it?”

More silence.

“I miss you.” Castiel whispered, and whatever composure he’d managed to regain was lost again as the dam finally broke. “I miss you so much, Dean. I can’t - I’m sorry, I can’t do this -”

“Hey, hey,” Dean stepped forward when Castiel started to hyperventilate - something he hadn’t been aware could even happen to an angel - “Cas. Hey, I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yes, you are.” Castiel managed, and Dean’s suspicions were confirmed.

Of course they were - he’d probably been long dead.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I know I promised, but I miss you. I had to - I had to see you again -”

“Cas. . .” Dean said, his heart wrenching at the sight of him like this. “Look, don’t - don’t fucking do this to yourself. Please. Time jumps take so much out of you and you’ve been doing this a lot. You’re gonna hurt yourself.”

“I know.” Castiel reached a hand out slowly, eyes on Dean’s own hand. “I know.”

It took everything Dean had to pull back.

“What’s dead should stay dead.” Dean said, trying to sound firm. “You know that.”

Castiel turned his gaze back up to Dean - and for the first time - he looked soft.

“You and I were always an exception to the rule.”

Dean couldn’t argue that, instead, he ignored the alarms blaring in his head as he stepped forward and pulled Castiel into a hug, and Castiel clung to him like a lifeline, breathing into his neck and gripping at his robe.

“I love you,” Dean said, and felt Castiel’s grip tighten, “But you’ve gotta stop doing this to yourself. If Sam and I. . . if we aren’t around, then humanity needs you, man. You’ve gotta be there for them.”

He felt Castiel nod into his neck and his grip began to weaken.

He let go.

“Alright.” Castiel said, voice lower and huskier than usual. “Thank you... Dean. For indulging my selfishness.”

“S’not selfish.” Dean swallowed. “And I’m - I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth I - he - never wanted to leave you. Never in a million years.”

Castiel’s hand lingered in Dean’s, and then it fell away.

“I know. I know all of this. I didn’t see anything that I didn’t already know I just -” Castiel swallowed. “I just missed you.”

Castiel took a breath and wiped at his eyes, like he was already distancing himself from the Dean in front of him.

“I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Cas -”

Castiel looked up.

“. . . Get a cat.” Dean said with a shrug. “Smelly, dirty, bitey, knocks things over - it’ll be basically the same thing. And you’ll have a cat.”

A small smile twitched at the corner of Castiel’s mouth.

“Hold him tight for me.” Castiel said.

And the hallway was empty again.

Dean stepped back into the bedroom and climbed into bed, curling himself around Castiel and pressed his forehead against his neck.

“A long bathroom break.” Castiel murmured, entwining his fingers with Dean’s. “Everything alright?”

Dean only hummed in affirmation, and inhaled deeply.

“You know. . . maybe we should get a cat.”

Castiel shifted to crane his neck at Dean.

“A cat?”

“Yeah.”

“That must have been quite a visit to the bathroom.”

“Yeah.”

Dean held him tight.

#spn #destiel #destiel fic #angst #canon!verse #sometimes I write #took longer than I thought and I'm still not happy with it but oh well #ANYWAY AAAANGST #as promised

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pizza-soup · 4 years ago

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I had such a nice time with my family yesterday...

Well it started off a little rocky at first. We spontaneously decided to go take a drive to the river, until I heard a loud chirping coming from under the hood of my truck. Turns out there was a squirrel under my wiper fluid reservoir. It wasn't stuck in there, it just did not want to leave. I tried turning on the truck in hope that the noise would scare it, scoot it out with a broom, lure it out with an apple. Nothing. It refused to budge. We either had to call animal control or just hope it leaves, both required waiting for an undetermined amount of time, putting a damper on our outting.

Then my mom comes around the corner with a hose. Our eyes locked with an unspoken aknowledgment of what was about to unfold. Here was a woman who was not going to let something like this ruin her day. I stepped aside as she aimmed the hose directly at the squirrel's rear end. With it's bottom unceremoniously bidet'd, it shot out into the bushes and our day finally got started. Our first destination being the older part of the village made of fallen old barns, a gas station stuck in the 70s, and some homes that were being overtaken by nature for the past few decades. I've been here many times before, sometimes just to get out of the house for a bit.

My mom never urbexed but was curious, I explained it's appeal, it's importance in historical preservation, and therapeutic qualities for me. Also did a rundown on rules and safety. She did very well for her first time and followed the unspoken rule of only leaving with pictures. The old signs and glass soda bottles tempted her though. Lol I know the feeling, but leaving things as is preserves the vibe of the place for future explorers.

We headed toward the river, saw a few horses cooling off and thought it would be a good idea to do the same. We collected some wood for our bbq that night and headed to the general store to pick up some last minute food and a treat of cactus pear preserve empanadas. There was a jar of purple flavored butter there, but I put it back and regreted it, since it would've been great on top of the halo halo. My bro picked up some grass jelly and my mom found her favorite watermelon milk and cinnamon cheetos. They didn't have my favorite pear soda, but that was okay, I found out I had Cheerwine back home in the pantry.

For dinner we had grilled chicken yakisoba, grilled tilapia fish tacos with fresh salsa, hotdogs and for dessert, fruit salad halo halo topped with homemade flan, my mom's favorite. I opted for homemade since the store bought ones are more of a pudding than a dense custard and would melt too quickly. I used date syrup instead of complex syrup. We ate our fill and then kept the fire going til 11pm then it started getting windy. We headed inside to watch some movies and my mom knocked out. I could tell she had a great mother's day, a little drama, a bit of adventure, and a lot of good food.

#daily update

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readingsbylibramc · 4 years ago

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birth chart reading for @mihaelang

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are the moon, jupiter and saturn. you're a very emotional and empathetic person, you always try to be kind to people and you strive to make others feel comfortable with you. yet, you may be a bit impulsive and say things that you don't actually mean.

your dominant sign is cancer. you seek emotional security in life. you need to feel grounded, you're most likely extremely cautious about the decisions you make. you're also very sensitive and compassionate of others, even though you could get slightly passive from time to time.

your dominant element is water. you're very intuitive and empathetic, you care a lot about others, and you may seem like a healer to people you know. in fact, you always try to help them if you can, almost in a therapeutic way. you're also very spiritual, and you're attracted to anything related to discovering your higher self and soul purpose.

🌎 ascendant in cancer, 26° / 3rd decan ruled by the moon and neptune

with your ascendant in the sign of cancer, you appear way more sweet and approachable than your scorpio moon, which is obviously very beneficial for you. being a water sign, cancer risings individuals are very intuitive and emotional, and that is exactly how you approach the world. you rely more on your 6th sense rather than logic, and mixed with your cancer sun you're extremely empathetic. you can read people's mood very well, it's easy for you to understand whether someone is sad, angry, happy... because of that, you always try to make people feel at ease, you're always kind with people, and that makes you extremely likeable. also, since cancer is ruled by the moon, you're probably a very genuine person. it's hard for you to hide your real emotions, and even if you wanted to hide them you wouldn't be capable. you could also have frequent mood swings. you have a strong sense of family and comfort to you, and hence it's extremely essential for you feel at ease to truly be yourself. let's suppose you're with a group of friends, and they suddenly bring someone with them that isn't very nice; you would probably get very stiff, and your mood would immediately go down. you also tend to be like a mother / sister to others, you hardly ever have superficial bonds. physically, since cancer is ruled by the moon you may have very round and big features to you; you could have big, watery and round eyes with perfect lashes, a button nose, plump lips... in addition, you may be petite or average height, and you could bloat easily.

🌞 sun in cancer, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by cancer and pluto

this is the darkest, most intense cancer decan. even though you may not show it due to your heavy leo and scorpio influence, you’re actually very vulnerable and sensitive. you may be a crybaby, as crying is a way to vent your emotions. you may even overreact, and be considered too dramatic. you’re extremely moody; you could be all happy and relaxed with your friends, then suddenly you get sad, or even angry. it’s hard to deal with this, especially because your emotions are quite intense. this could make you argue a lot with your peers. even though it takes you a while to find someone willing to stay, when that moment finally comes you’ll embody cancer’s best trait: that is, you’ll become a ‘mother’ to your friends, lover etc. you have a very nurturing soul, you have a knack for affection and care, and you could even get kind of clingy, even though you may feel limitated to give your love to someone else. cancer is a cardinal sign, hence you may be the one to take initiative, yet you do it undirectly. you’re probably the passive-aggressive type, even though this may be mitigated by your dramatic and impulsive leo rising. you’re most likely also quite patient, even though you don’t forgive easily. once someone tries to take advantage of you, it’s over for them.

🌙 moon in scorpio, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by pluto and neptune

with your moon in scorpio, you’re way more secretive and cautious than most cancer people. you tend to preserve yourself, even though it’s hard for you to repress your emotions, as they’re too to intense to bottle them up. you absorb people’s feelings like a sponge, there’s no way that you won’t instantly understand their real emotions. overall, you tend to overreact a lot; you have cancer's sensitive energy on one side and scorpio’s mysterious, almost scary vibe. dealing with these emotional burnouts may be stressing to you, as you totally get caught up in them. even if it looks like you get to know other people often, you actually don’t let others know you. you’re the type of person to talk and socialize, especially after your saturn return, but you never reveal your deepest fears and thoughts to strangers. you only open up to people you’re sure you can trust. when you’re angry, you can literally go as far as using violence; you need to let out your emotions by screaming, swearing… anything that can make you feel better. I’ve noticed that scorpio moons, when they don’t get rid of all their negative vibes when angry, they tend to get physically sick; you could get stomachaches, or maybe even headaches. there’s a secret, sensitive side in you that needs passionate and romantic partners in love. yet, you can’t help but feel more attracted to the ones that may hurt you badly. you’re possibly quite sensitive to higher entities too, like ghosts, spirits and stuff like that.

🗣 mercury in leo, 6° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

you take a lot of pride in your intellect and ideas. leo is a fixed sign, hence you’re quite stubborn with your thoughts. you have a spectacular way of speaking, almost dramatic, that could make you come off as a know-it-all. when telling stories, you may exaggerate a bit, but at least you’re entertaining to listen. you could also gesticulate a lot while speaking, and maybe you like mimicking voices as well. you aim to express your feelings through creativity, it’s very important for you to write poetry, songs, drawings etc., it’s also a way to relieve stress and worries. your way of speaking is very attractive, it’s like a magnet. with this charisma of yours, it’s impossibile not to listen to you, you most likely have an extremely soothing and entertaining tone of voice. you would do amazing as a teacher or even as a (voice) actress, especially with your water dominance, as you’re able to fully convey your emotions in your speech.

leo mercury square taurus saturn: this placement gives you limitations and lessons regarding the way you think and talk. it may be that you’re too shy to approach others and to say what you think, so you just don’t try. otherwise, if you actually take action and try to overcome this problem, you could get into troubles. that’s probably caused by the fact that you don’t really pay attention to your words. you’re quite straight-forward, and due to your leo energy you always seem as if you’re up for a fight. you may be particularly pessimistic, or maybe you lack confidence in social interactions due to these problems, which could be possibly caused by your parents, or perhaps interfer in your relationship with your family. in fact, you may argue quite often, and misunderstandings are also common. this is something that gets naturally better with time, but in order for it to happen you need to take action. you may for example start speaking more in school, perhaps you could apply for class president. anything that allows you to challenge your mind and voice, in order to make you gain experiences and become a master at it. many celebrities, once they mastered this hard aspect, got loads of success. you can do that too, you just need to work on it.

��️ venus in gemini, 12° / 2nd decan ruled by mercury and venus

this is the flirtiest, most romantic gemini decan, but also the flakiest and most indecisive. your flirting style most probably includes jokes, teasing… stuff like that. even though you may seem flaky, as you like experiencing romance with different types of people, you’re actually quite picky. in fact, in order to fall for someone, you need to feel mentally attracted to them, not just physically. someone ignorant and stubborn that doesn’t care about learning something more definitely isn’t for you. you’re not the type to be super romantic and sweet with your partner or just people in general. you show your affection for example by sending them memes, making ironic jokes about them etc. also, when you’re into someone, you probably get very talkative! you start asking them simple questions about their life, even things like 'did you have lunch?’. also, you talk about them with all of your friends, and you find yourself thinking costantly about them. you’re very curious of nature, but you’re only interested in getting to know what catches your eye.

gemini venus opposite sagittarius pluto: you find yourself having crushes on random people often, love at first sight is common for you. but when you seriously fall for someone, they’re your only thought. you start searching for info about them online, and you wanna become part of their life too. you love intensely, but not everyone may enjoy that. there are people that could feel overwhelmed by your love, others that would vibe with you and offer you the same kind of affection. ironically, you tend to attract detached, free-spirited people that most of the times don’t want anything serious. you’re prone to get jealous and possessive very easily, and this makes you suffer, as you may think there’s something wrong with you. maybe, it may even remind you of something that happened during your childhood, perhaps your parents were also very protective of you. love for you is a constant grow; your relationships will be hard, but there’ll always be something to learn to improve yourself and your confidence. little side-note, you may often date karmic partners, aka partners from your past lives, so you may often experience this 'I’ve already seen you before’-vibe in your new encounters and relationships, and you’ll always learn something from all your relationships.

☄️ mars in gemini, 29° / 3rd decan ruled by mercury and uranus

you’re driven by the sense of intelligence. your intellect is your greatest strenght, it’s your energy tank. you’re interested in a bunch of things, and hence you may have troubles staying focused on one thing at the time. you probably have tons of hobbies, and you may end up not being much precise since you have tons of things that you have and want to do. you can’t stand boredom, you need your day-to-day life to be exciting and, above all, offer you something new to learn and / or experience. you probably fancy being very active: you go out often, you workout, you may also be the type to love partying and things like that. you’re extremely witty and curious, and you want to live your life to the fullest. you may often change your style, your opinions, maybe even your personality, and that could make you seem confusing and / or unreliable.

gemini mars square pisces jupiter: you easily come off as more assertive and arrogant than you actually are. you say things impulsively, and sometimes you’re too blunt and hurt people’s feelings. you don’t do it on purpose, though, there’s no malice behind your acts; it’s just your natural way to express your opinions. you’re also very competitive, and this may make you look selfish. on a positive side, you probably have a naturally nice body (or maybe you react fast to diet/workout). you’re a risk-taker, and if you’re not you should try breaking the rules sometimes (obviously not doing illegal stuff lol). in fact, it’s when you’re both physically and mentally active that you’re able to come up with even better ideas, as you’re full of creativity. to cope with this placement, you can try doing something fun to challenge your mind, basically get out of your comfort-zone. of course you don’t have to overdo it, but it would be beneficial.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in cancer, with also your mercury sitting in this house. the first house rules the exterior, while the moon, cancer’s ruler, rules the inner part of yourself. that means that the way you look depends on how you are inside; if you’re sad, you may have this very depressed look not only on your face, but also in your eyes above all. or perhaps, you could be the type to be what you eat, so you could gain weight easily as soon as you don’t eat clean. you could also be quite weak, you don’t really have high stamina, you’d rather sleep than work out, but being physical active is extremely important for you. you come across as someone very shy, and you most likely are, even though you give off very good vibes, you don’t look intimidating like your scorpio moon would. mercury here also makes you come off as someone very witty and intelligent, people probably look up to you for knowledge. you are probably very smart and you could also be a very smooth-talker. physically, you may also have something small on your face, such as small eyes, lips or nose. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 5th house: you are most likely a very creative individual. you probably love your alone time, you’re quite secretive and you prefer keeping your affairs for yourself.

your 2nd house is in leo. your self-esteem depends on matters like money, possessions, as well as your influence on others. you may feel confident when you’re praised and spoiled with compliments and material things, you may enjoy being in the spotlight as it increases your self-confidence, even though you’re quite shy so you don’t feel very at ease. you feel confident when you’re able to earn money and you’re financially stable, and hence you probably felt guilty as a child to ask your parents for money for example. you probably love luxury, you aspire to become very wealthy, live in the house of your dreams, etc. you could also dream of becoming famous. and actually, with this placement, you could make money from leo-related matters, and hence being in the spotlight, creativity (especially theatre / drama), comedy, etc. the ruler of the 2nd house is in the 12th house: you could possibly gain money through sprituality, and hence you may become very wealthy thanks to things such as the law of attraction, yoga, astrology, psychology, etc . you could definitely manifest material wealth and confidence with this placement!

your 3rd house is in virgo. you’re very precise and polite in the way you express your thoughts. you’re probably very careful to grammar, vocabulary etc… you love looking and being knowledgeable. you’re more of a logical type rather than an intuitive person, you hardly ever do something only out of curiosity. you’re very cautious about the decisions you make, and hence it could take you some time to finally choose something, but that’s because you just don’t want to regret anything. you think deeply about your choices, and most of the time they turn out to be right. you’re strongly opinionated, but you may be a bit too harsh when you express your ideas. sometimes you could even hurt someone, as you’re extremely honest. you don’t like sugar-coating your words. you’re also very intelligent and hard-working, and you can’t stand messy things. you’re probably very neat, you like having schedules and you may even keep an agenda / diary where you keep track of your appointments and other things you have to do. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 1st house: you probably love talking about yourself, you may not realize it but you give a lot of space to your persona and to your emotions. for instance, if you write poetry you'd definitely write very personal works.

your 4th house is in libra, with also chiron and lilith in this house. your home environment was probably very pleasant and beautiful; you may have a conventionally beautiful family, or at least they’re particularly attractive and charming. your house may also be very well-designed and elegant, doesn’t matter how big it is. you probably see your parents as ideal, they are your role models and you look up to them, even though they could have been a bit restrictive from time to time. you could have the habit to argue a lot with your parents or with your family in general, you probably all have strong personalities and hence you end up being in conflict from time to time. there could have even been some physical violence in the worst case, or perhaps your parents were very strict and possessive of you. you didn't feel in control of your life during your childhood. the ruler of the 4th house is placed in the 11th house: you may have a reputation for being very nurturing, like a sort of mother to others, a benevolent leader. also, your future career may include 4th house matters; that means that you could follow your parents’ steps and work in their same field, for example, or maybe even follow their studies. you could possibly work with families, e.g as a counselor, or perhaps in real estate. in addition, you might have had strong goals since your childhood, and you may still be friends with some childhood friends of yours.

your 5th house is in scorpio, with also your moon and pluto being here. your hobbies most likely include self-expression of any kind, anything that you consider private is told through your creativity. also, with scorpio in this house, you may as well be attracted to darker hobbies like astrology, tarots… possibly, you may be into thriller or even into horror. you may also like psychology, criminology… this type of things that are able to stimulate your mind in some way. you could possibly want to be a risk-taker, deep down. also, you want to become a master in what you like, and hence you tend to go extreme to become perfect. you may dedicate a lot of your spare time to your hobbies, for example, even if you have to work. your romantic relationships may be very intense, you could attract particularly jealous or even obsessive partners in your life. some of them may be painful, but they’ll be essential to become mature and grow up into a better, wiser person. in addition, I see you as the type of person who doesn’t like showing off their partner. you probably keep both your love interests and hobbies personal, you only talk a little about them to your close, trusted friends, especially with your pluto in this house that makes this energy even stronger. your moon in the 5th house makes you extremely creative and artsy, you enjoy the finer things in life, but you don’t lack depth and wisdom either thanks to scorpio being in the house cusp.

your 6th house is in sagittarius. you are most likely very dedicated to your routine; you could have some workaholic tendencies, you feel the need to be perfect at whatever you want to do in life. in fact, you probably don’t realize that you work more than you should, as you have fun at work and you also like taking care of yourself. if you’re into exercising, you could be the type to workout everyday even if it’s not necessary because it makes you feel good. or perhaps, you could literally skip your sleep just to finish a book you started writing. you’re used to work hard, and hence you most likely do it with pleasure if it involves something you love doing. you try to be very productive in your day-to-day life, even though you don’t mind including fun and relax in your routine either. you may have a ‘light’ work, that is you could turn an hobby of yours into a job, or perhaps you’ll make lots of friends or even lovers on your work place that will make it more pleasant for you to go to work. you may also be very lucky, you could easily get jobs that offer a nice income for example, and your health is most likely good too. the ruler of the 6th house is in the 9th house: you could end up pursuing your dream career, perhaps a long-term goal of yours involves your desired job. you may also end up travelling for work, maybe you need to speak a foreign language. or perhaps, you'll get to interact with people with different cultural backgrounds from yours. you may also work in the teaching or writing field.

your 7th house is in capricorn, with also neptune and uranus sitting there. this placement makes you very patient with other people, you could be the type to give other possibilities to others for example. capricorn in the 7th house may also manifest in a lack of romanticism in an individual, but I don’t think it’s totally your case. I assume that you are quite romantic, but exactly because of your romanticism, you tend to get very picky. you want your partner to meet your ideals of perfection, and hence you may often end up not dating anyone, or being let down by your own lovers. actually, you could even be afraid of love, especially because there could be a lot of karma around your relationships. you could have to experience lots of hardships throughout your love life, but they’ll help you become more mature. it’s also recommended to get married after your saturn return with this placement, hence after your 27/28 years. in addition, you also have neptune in this house; that means that you may idealize your partners a lot. you may see them as perfect, but in reality that’s just a version of them that you created in your head. with uranus you may in fact attract partners that could be quite moody and unconventional, probably very unpredictable as well. with the ruler of the 7th house in the 10th house, you may marry a co-worker of yours, or maybe your boss. perhaps, you may even meet them at your work place, or you two will work in the same field.

your 8th house is in aquarius. you could possibly have an unexpected yet barely painful death, or perhaps someone in your life has died / will die all of a sudden, you may often experience scenarios of this kind. possibly, you could even die due to electricity, and or at least it will be a very fast death, I don’t see it being violent or turbulent at all. or maybe, you’re surrounded by unpredictable events of loss of any kind in your life. that is, it could also happen with your money. it’s important not to risk too much with this placement, especially with gambling, or you may end up getting in serious problems. you’re fascinated by the occult, and you may even be/been able to talk to dead people. you’re very intuitive, and it’s easy for you to read through people’s words. you may as well have prophetic dreams. with the ruler of the 8th house, uranus, in the 7th house, you'll most likely have a very intense bond with your future spouse. it will probably be a soulmate or twinflame connection, you'll feel as if you've known them for your whole life once you meet them.

your 9th house is in pisces, with also jupiter placed there. this is definitely a nice placement! the result is that you’re probably extremely open-minded and imaginative. you hardly ever have have prejudices, you don’t judge a book by its cover. you’re extremely opinionated, and combined with your virgo 3rd house you’re constantly looking for the truth. you hate it when people say something wrong for example, you can’t help but correct them. you could also be religious and believe in a god. philosophy, literature and poetry are also a part of your many interests. in addition, you’re most likely also into foreign languages and cultures. you could travel a lot, or perhaps with your pisces in the house cusp you like travelling with your mind. you probably literally create stories in your head, you’re extremely imaginative. a good advice would be not to waste this talent of yours; you could actually make your fantasies concrete and express them through creative outlets: books, drawings, songs, choreographies… basically, it would be a waste to only keep them for you. you may also learn about more creative topics rather than school subjects. the ruler of the 9th house is in the 7th house: your future spouse may come from a different country from yours, or at least they’re able to speak more than a language. they may also have a different culture from yours too, or you may directly meet them abroad. you could also meet them in college / university as well.

your 10th house is in aries, with also saturn sitting there. with your 10th house cusp in the energetic sign of aries, you need a career that allows you to be independent, you probably prefer working alone than in groups. or perhaps, you actually aspire to become a boss, a ceo, someone people look up to, and if you work hard you may actually become an influential person in your work place / field. you aspire to be successful and you want to be wealthy thanks to yourself only, and you may actually develop some good luck in your career life. your future job may also require something related to physical action, and hence you may have to move a lot for your job, perhaps you may pursue acting to include something creative that also requires you to move. saturn is placed in this house as well, being in the best place as it is its natural house. in fact, you may struggle at first to find or even choose a good career for you, perhaps you may not be well-paid at first, but after your 27/28 years you'll surely become very successful, responsible and mature. also, the ruler of the 10th house being in the 12th house confirms what I’ve said above; you may manifest your dream job, or perhaps you'll work in a spiritual field such as yoga, astrology, psychology, etc.

your 11th house is in taurus, venus is also placed in this house. you could possibly attract people with taurus traits, and hence your friends could be quite stubborn and possessive, but also very loyal and responsible. they could possibly be wealthy, and they could have some artistic, creative interest and / or talent just like you. you may have some trust issues, you’re careful about who you trust, and hence you’re quite cautious about who you befriend. your long-term goals include financial stability, you may be quite materialistic as you enjoy wealth. yet, I assume that thanks to your water placements you’re not as work-focused as other earth placements, you actually also value emotions and feelings too. I feel like you probably have very big goals and dreams that you want to come true. venus indicates that you’re most likely very lucky, and hence you have the potential to achieve everything you desire. venus in the 11th also indicates that you may often befriend people before dating or even marrying them, or perhaps your partners are usually introduced to you by your friends. the ruler of the 11th house is in the 1st house: your ultimate goal could involve being confident, maybe achieving your ideal image of yourself. you may also have friends that are very similar to you personality-wise or even physically.

your 12th house is in gemini, with also the sun and mars sitting there. the 12th house is the house of fears and gemini rules over communication, and hence you could be afraid to approach others, you’re very shy. you don’t like speaking in public either, same goes for expressing your opinions. you’re always afraid that people may judge you for your ideas, your interests and for the way you speak. on the other hand, you’re a quite spiritual individual. during your sleep you probably get to have lots of meaningful dreams, even though you may sometimes not remember many of them, or even none. it’s a skill of yours that you’ll be able to embrace once you finally wake up spiritually. as I’ve already mentioned above, you could have prophetic dreams and, with gemini’s presence in this house, spirits, angels and other higher entities may try to communicate with you through your dreams or subconscious. you may also be the type to talk non-stop when you’re drunk, and you may even have a habit of talking to yourself. the moon here indicates that you tend to keep your feelings private, you don’t like sharing how you feel. the best way to get to know yourself is being alone and exploring your inner self, maybe even by using tools like astrology, meditation, tarots, etc. with mars here you also tend to have lots of energy and ideas, but you may struggle to take action. you could be quite lazy, in a certain sense, or perhaps your energy consists of sporadic bursts rather than constant motivation.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract capricorn, pisces, gemini, virgo, scorpio and aquarius placements. your future spouse will most likely have virgo and scorpio traits placements; they’ll be very intelligent, mature and hard-working, but also with a warm heart and a hidden insecurity to them, even though very possessive. they could be very work-oriented, but they won’t lack passion either. your chart hints that you’ll most likely meet them at your work place, or perhaps on a trip abroad. they could be foreign, or even of a different culture from yours, or you’ll just meet them abroad. perhaps during a business trip. your children will have heavy scorpio / aries or cancer traits; they’ll be very active, especially physically, and astute. they’ll be very attached to you and your family in general, even though they could get too possessive, jealous and immature at times. they’ll be very creative and emotional as well.

👶🏻 family life

your father is a very fiery, impulsive person, with a short-temper. he could have even been quite violent with you during your childhood, and he might have a few childish behaviours. deep down, he’s actually kind of insecure with his role as a father, but he may hate to admit it. he may have aries, cancer, sagittarius, pisces, capricorn or aquarius placements in his chart. your mother, on the other hand, is also quite fiery. she’s mostly a peaceful and emotional person, even though she most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. she might’ve been a bit strict or overprotective. nonetheless, you could actually have a better relationship with her rather than with your father, or at least she understands your needs better. she may have libra, taurus, gemini or scorpio placements in her chart. if you have siblings, they’re probably very peaceful, affectionate and intelligent. they may also be very kind, as well as organized. their rooms probably look immaculate. they could have virgo or gemini placements in their charts.

📊 career

your chart points out that you’d actually be great at creative jobs! you would make an amazing writer for instance, or perhaps you could even be a dancer, a singer, an artist… anything that allows your innovative ideas to flow outside. you probably wouldn’t mind being in the spotlight either, even though you’d probably get overwhelmed by it since you seem so introverted by your placements. in general, you’re a very ambitious person, and hence I don’t see you being the type to scrap projects. especially with your aries midheaven, you’re motivated to complete your works in order to show that you’re able to succeed, you want to be the best in what you do. I can also see you being a good therapist, psychologist, possibly even a nurse, even though I’d avoid practical and boring jobs if I were in you. your water dominance struggles to be cold-minded at times, and hence working in a stressful environment could be dangerous for you and for your mental health, as you may absorb others’ negativity and stress. actually, I feel like the most suited career for you would be something that allows you to be in charge, to be your own boss as you know what’s best for you. you would also be successful in a field related to foreign languages and culture, or perhaps you'd make a great teacher or professor.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

I imagine you put a lot of effort into your outifts, yet you don’t show it. you want to look effortlessly good, you don’t want to give the impression that you tried. your style may be quite minimalistic and simple, with lots of jeans, sweatshirts, plain t-shirts… I see you being more into natural shades, like white, grey, beige etc. you’re also not very fond of using too many accessories, you’re stylish but still very simple. you have this natural charm to you, hence you still look good even though your outfits may not be too complex.

👁 past life, life purpose

during your past life, you probably didn’t have as many challenges as in this life. you most likely used to depend on someone else; perhaps, you married someone rich, hence you didn’t really have to work for your resources. this lifetime, you need to step up your game and become independent. your path to luck and abundance may be long and steep, but your venus being conjunct the north node indicates that you may achieve great personal success in this lifetime. you just need to work on your self-esteem and have stable finances, you shouldn’t over-indulge. to boost your security, you could try using loa, as well as the advices I gave you above.

🤔 major transits analysis / february 21st

this year transit juno, the asteroid of marriage, is conjunct your vertex point, which indicates a point of destiny in a birth chart. that means that you may meet someone that could eventually end up becoming your spouse. or at least, it means that you’ll finally be able to take a decision and commit to something relevant in your life. it may be a job, a lifestyle etc. anything that you need to feel serene. also, these last few months you could be feeling very needy and emotional, since almost every planet is transiting your 7th house, especially transit pluto in a tight conjunction to your descendant. you may feel the need to socialize and meet new people, or perhaps you just need the company of a specific person, but you don’t want to feel alone for sure. you may also feel very sensitive to others’ opinion of you in these days.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water dominance, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if you have any questions!! - libramc xx :)

if you want to book a reading like this one, check my pinned post!!

#astrology

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square-enix · 5 years ago

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i wrote a personal essay because i’m miserable and i needed to get it off my chest. sue me

Someday This Pain Won’t Be Useful To You

When I was a teenager, I dated someone who believed that one’s luck was evenly distributed throughout their lifetime. It was a nice thought at the time. I had recently been diagnosed with major depression and PTSD, and luck rarely seemed to be on my side. I figured that at some point, I would be due for some very, very good fortune. I don’t know what happened to that person after we broke up, but our several year relationship was probably the product of some pretty bad luck. Maybe I’ll win the lottery when I’m 50.

Last year, I was diagnosed with a severe mast cell disorder. Prior to the extremely expensive once-monthly injections I now receive, I was in and out of urgent care for varying stages of anaphylaxis. I woke up daily with hands so swollen that I couldn’t play the piano, and sometimes I couldn’t walk. My joints swelled and the pain was unimaginable. All I could do was lie in bed. The condition is accompanied by severe chronic fatigue and brain fog. I was covered in painful, huge hives from head to toe – sometimes hundreds at a time – and all I could think was that no amount of future luck would serve to compensate my suffering. I was desperate to die. The constant mast cell activation, the isolation I endured at the hands of my disease, and the overwhelming fear that this was going to be my life made me angry. I trashed my bedroom. I pounded my bruised, swollen arms on the door and screamed expletives at whatever force was shifting all my life’s bad luck to my 22 year old self until my throat was raw.

The pre-mixed syringes I’m given are sent to an infusion clinic, just for me, directly from the pharmaceutical company that makes the medication. So few people are on this medication that I have my own therapy coordinator. A friend mentioned that I must be lucky to have a personal care coordinator, because she hates dealing with insurance on her own. I wonder how much of my future luck has been depleted by having someone oversee my treatment. 30 years from now, I stub my toe as the universe imposes its karmic balance.

It took almost four months to get on this medication. On a quality of life scale, I had been at a consistent 1; now, I average somewhere between a 4 and a 6. I still can’t exercise, eat high histamine foods, or wear clothes that are too warm or too tight. I still take anywhere from 2 to 4 over-the-counter antihistamines daily. They make me drowsy. You can get levocetirizine (the form of cetirizine with the left stereoisomer that is more effective and is likelier to eliminate drowsiness) instead of cetirizine anywhere in the world except Canada. I pay $40 for a bottle of 55 tablets to be shipped here from the United States, and I go through them in a month. Still, I can function a little better now. At 37, I get a paper cut.

A month ago, I had to renew my insurance coverage for my medication. I had to sign forms over the course of a week and then send them to my therapy coordinator. My prescribing doctor then had 3 weeks to sign and fax a single form. I called his office over 5 times, begging them to get it done. I emphasized the urgency of my insurance renewal. If this didn’t get done, I simply wouldn’t get my medication. It’s so tightly controlled by the pharmaceutical company that there isn’t even another dose in the city. I need insurance approval before they’ll even ship it out. The medication still hasn’t reached therapeutic levels in my system yet, and I get sick about a week before my shot is due. My next treatment appointment has been cancelled because the doctor took too long to get the form sent in. I don’t know when I’ll get another one. I’m going to get sicker in the interim. I’ll probably be disabled again. I’m trying to get into an after degree in medical science, but if my illness continues to get worse, my grades will probably suffer and I’ll be less likely to be admitted. At 49, I get a raise at work.

As a kid, I was desperate to be like the protagonists in the video games I played. I was sad, and often sick, and I endured a lot of trauma that I can only hope has earned me a better life in the future. Someone must be keeping tabs on this sort of thing, I tell myself. It occurs to me now that what I really wanted was a story worth telling. I wanted some sort of adventure. I wanted to be an active part of something bigger than myself. The worst part of this – worse than all the pain and suffering and disability – is the knowledge that none of this makes for a good story. What doesn’t kill you won’t make you stronger, and sometimes it will make you want to die. Some people simply find themselves going through life waking up and wishing they hadn’t. I am no longer an active participant in my life, but a passive observer. I go through my days wondering if I’m hoping for a future that isn’t there. The days are joyless, and my life is ruled by people who don’t care enough to sign a form within the span of a month, even when I beg them for some sort of empathy over the phone. It’s been said that pain is always new to the sufferer, but grows old for everyone else around him. I am beginning to think things will be no different at 50.

It’s a nice thought, at least – this notion that the universe will compensate you for all your suffering – but it’s just a thought. In a sense, I’m still one of the lucky ones. Somewhere, an infant is dying of leukemia. The theory kind of falls apart when you consider the ones who are so deeply unlucky that no amount of recompense could serve to ameliorate the weight of the suffering and injustice they’ve endured. Somewhere, many years away, I am pounding on the walls again, cursing someone who isn’t there. The arc of the moral universe does not bend toward justice, because there is no moral universe.

#chronic illness

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zankivich · 6 years ago

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Teacher’s Pet: A College AU Chapter 4

I’m feeling giving and thought I’d poster chapter 4 for the fourth of July. Hope ya enjoy! the smut is near!!!!

Chapter 4

He was kinder and sweeter and more perfect than you ever expected. Lunch served at this wonderful opportunity to learn more about each other and really begin to develop the connection you had from the beginning. You learned how important his family was to him, what Canada was like for him growing up, and more about the music. He told you music had saved him and that he wanted to share that feeling with as many people as humanly possible. That meant writing and singing and performing, but it also meant learning as much as he could about it. He called music his first love and you got to connect deeply on this subject that was super important to you, and so important to him that he actually went to college for it.

“So I was diagnosed with depression my first year of undergrad. And an anxiety disorder to boot. I knew I was a little sad or whatever, but I was too lazy to ever do anything about it. And when I first started going to therapy, I didn’t trust her at all and I didn’t wanna talk about my problems, so she would talk to me about music. And it was just an escape for me. It gave me something to focus on and relate to. It kept me going forreal. Like a hundred percent wouldn’t be alive without it. So the Amy tattoo I got when I graduated, it was my therapist’s idea.”

He handled it surprisingly well for something you weren’t even comfortable talking about. He told you he’d been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and has struggled with medication for years.

“They kept putting me on different things. And it would completely zonk me out. It was like i wasn’t who I was. It scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t even write music anymore, I just felt numb. And uh I had to make the decision to stop taking the meds. Music became therapeutic and it became something that actually made the disorder bearable. So, I wanted to study psychology and musical therapy to help others. If the music thing never works out, I’ll always have that.”

“Ayyyy we’re both sad kids! That’s fucking cool.” You grinned cheersing your drink against his.

He laughed at you and the sound was as beautiful as everything else about him and it drove you mad.

“I don’t know how you do that, make everything good.” He murmured.

“It’s a talent truly.”

You got more mimosas than anyone should legally be allowed to order and ended up tipsy at three o'clock in the afternoon. The boy you liked was trying to take you shopping and you didn’t know how to tell him that you didn’t want to buy anything. You were much more of a window shopping, go to ikea and fantasize about your future living room kind of gal. It was also clear to both of you that if you let go of his arm at any point in this excursion, walking was going to be much more of a problem.

“Take me to a place that means something to you.” You insisted biting playfully at the meat of his shoulder. “But make it within walking distance, because I’m wobbly over here.”

“You’re incredibly adorable. I don’t know if you’ll like my place though.”

“I like you. The place is just a place where I’m with you.”

He peered down at you and your eyes went a little cross-eyed, but it was fine, you were fine.

“You’re so short.” He chuckled tucking you under his arm like a mother holding her cub in the wild. “I love it.”

“Short?!” You gasped. “I’m five foot eight, bitch it’s not my fault you’re fucking Goliath!”

Shawn busted out laughing and tispy you was very upset with his laughter.

“Don’t laugh. I could fucking eat you. There’s a drake lyric somewhere about serving you up with a fork and knife for me… Do you know Drake? Do all canadians know each other?”

He was very much still laughing at you.

“‘Do all Canadians know each other?’ That’s definitely country-ist? Nationalist? I’m sure there’s a word for it.”

“Oh my god it is. They’re never gonna let me teach anyone ever again are they?”

“Holy shit, I’m kidding. Maybe we stop and get you water on the way to my special place.”

“Maybe that’s a good idea.” You grinned sliding your arm around his waist. “Look at us, taking care of one another. Maybe I won’t eat you after all.”

Ten minutes and two bottles of water later, he was leading you into a guitar shop. It was tiny and sat right next to a record shop making it the perfect destination. When you walked inside the guy at the counter greeted Shawn by name and you knew then that it was space he really cared about.

“This is the first place I went when I moved here for school. My uh my parents couldn’t come with, too expensive for everyone, and it was a little hard at first fitting in here. So I google mapped the nearest guitar store and I’ve been coming ever since. It kinda reminds me of the one I go to at home.” He explained.

You walked around the store allowing him to lead you through his favorites. He refused to play, stating that that was way too corny for a first date. You reminded him that his way of romancing you was performing at a bar and dancing drunk. Shawn did not find this coincidence nearly as amusing as you did.

As the alcohol subsided and you saw how relaxed and happy he was in that state, it felt like seeing something private. This wasn’t something that he went around sharing with everyone else. It was something he was only sharing with you. Just like the reasoning behind your tattoo, which you never shared with anyone. By the end of the date it was no longer a question of whether or not you would continue to see him, but of just how fucked things would get when you very much continued to see him. It was going against so many instincts, but the biggest instinct of all was just to be with him, and fighting that just didn’t seem worth it.

He took you home after the date and you let him walk you to the door, biting back a cheesy grin when he held your hand the whole way there. There was lesson planning to do and research to read through and pages to write, but when he was there in front of you it didn’t seem right to do anything but absorb as much of him as you could.

You took your hand away from his and placed it on his hip pulling his body close. He pressed you into the door arms bracing both sides of your head and it brought back all of the feelings of that morning; the touch of his skin, the way that he tasted. When he leaned in bypassing your lips to skim his nose along the length of your neck and chest, your entire body shivered. Having previously had no personal rules on when you were willing to have sex with a partner it was immensely difficult to not jump his bones right there and then.

“You smell incredible.” He whispered.

He swallowed and you could feel his adam’s apple against your chest. Your back arched involuntarily pushing him closer to you. You scratched at his scalp tugging him gently closer to your chest. It was your best attribute after all.

“Jesus.” He whispered hoarsely eyes no longer on yours but a few inches lower.

You grinned loving the look on his face when he was flustered. His cheeks took on their pink hue and his tongue kept parting out to wet his lip. He chanced a look at you, silently asking for permission. You beamed at him and nodded loving as his hands traveled up your sides feeling you up through your dress

A sigh moved past through your mouth and you whimpered his name in his ear causing his body to freeze.

“Could you… say it again, please?”

You bit your lip moving your mouth close to his ear, your bodies completely intertwined.

“Shawn.”

That seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back before you both began to make out heavily and wildly against the door. Your fingers pulled harshly at his hair and his were digging almost painfully into your hips. It was hot and it felt good and the thought of stopping was insignificant. But despite not being against sex on the first date, it seemed completely contradictory to the conversation of boundaries you’d had less than four hours ago. And on top of that you were afraid that if you let him inside you apartment you might not be able to ever let him leave.

Your lips broke apart with a gasp, but instead of creating distance Shawn simply moved on to kissing any part of your skin his lips could touch.

“Why are we still outside?” He muttered sucking a heavy mark into your neck.

“Because if we go inside, we might not be able to control ourselves.”

“I don’t think I’ve been able to control myself since we met.”

Touche.

“Shawn…” You murmured.

His lips stilled against your throat with a groan.

“I don’t get to come inside do I?”

You winced. “Not tonight. N--Not never, just not tonight.”

He pulled away and you could see that you were both completely disgruntled and a mess. His hair was going in several different directions. You’d wrinkled his shirt up, and there was multiple angry marks on both of your bodies. His lips were red and swollen looking practically fucking delectable and… why were you sending him away again?

“I had a really good time with you.” He murmured eyes soft and innocent. “Thanks for trusting me today.”

You nodded having trouble coming up with the words to explain what today had meant for you. You settled for leaning up on your toes to kiss his forehead, then nose, then lips.

“I had an incredible time. Thanks Shawn.”

He smiled widely. “No problem. If I text you later will you answer?”

“Only if you kiss me again before you go.”

“God you make it so hard to leave.”

The kiss was simple, chaste, and sweet before he headed for the stairs backwards eyes on you most of the way. You laughed having the feeling that you each had the power to destroy the other. Mutually assured destruction could be worthwhile.

***

The next couple of weeks are essentially perfect. In class Shawn does his best to behave, and he does even better at actually participating in class. Your research goes great and Kate eventually lets you started leading some of the lectures. Other students come to office hours and they don’t seem to hate you nor like you too much not to respect you. And it all seems to just kind of work.

When you’re not in class, you spend a lot of time together. At first it’s a date to the movies--because Incredibles 2, duh--and then it’s dinner at burger joints and strolls in parks. Eventually the time between dates and just co-existing with each other starts to blur. Shawn stops doing his homework at the library and starts doing it in your apartment while you grade papers. He no longer leaves campus to go to his senior house until you’re done for the day, and nine times out of ten he doesn’t walk home until after midnight. When there are no students or faculty around he eats lunch in your office, which is maybe twenty minutes of eating and another forty of fooling around. Your love seat receives a lot of love.

There’s no sex which is as confusing for you as it seems to be frustrating for him. He never pushes it though, never goes farther then fondling and groping. There’s just a lot of using pillows to covers boners and fake excuses to go to the bathroom to what you assume is willing the blood to go somewhere else. Maybe he’s jerking off in there, who the fuck knows. A part of you wonders if he’s so caught up in just treating you right, that he’s afraid asking for it would be rude. But like…. You’re horny. All the time.

One time he invites you to the gym, which is just the entire opposite of anything you’ve ever wanted to do in your whole life, and so you spent two hours pretending to be on an elliptical watching him work out and having very intense fantasies of him fucking you in the steam room. He’d had a group project for another class to work on that afternoon and the second he left your apartment you spent another two hours masturbating to said fantasies.

You were a very sexually liberative human being. You once wrote an entire paper in undergrad about the connection between mental health and orgasms. You did an internship at a sexologist’s office where you regularly talked about sex toys and which lubricant was best for which. And if Shawn didn’t blush like a scandalized virgin at literally everything you gladly would have shared this with him. At first you had wanted to keep your distance, afraid that giving too much of yourself to him too soon would only make it harder for you both to keep things professional. The problem was once you created that distance it was harder for either of you to really know when it was time for the distance to close. In the end there’s not really a good reason for why you hadn’t made a move yet, all you knew was that you wanted to.

You were supposed to be getting ready to go out on a Friday night. Shawn wanted to go to a club since you’d never been. And you really wanted to fuck without alcohol in the way, so the plan was for you all to never make it there.

Shawn showed up already dressed and ready to go. He was wearing a maroon button up dress shirt and the usual black jean-boot combo. His shirt was tucked into his jeans which brought attention to the belt that you very much wanted to get him out of with your teeth if necessary, along with everything else. He was hot as all hell and he knew it and it was ridiculous how much that turned you on.

So, of course it was a little weird for him to find you on the other side of the door in one his hoodies obviously not ready to go out.

“Hey is everything okay?” He asked immediately reaching for you with his too large hands. “You didn’t say anything over text. You not feeling well?”

You smiled. “I feel fine Shawn. I just don’t really wanna go out tonight.”

“Oh. Almost gave me a heart attack ay? We don’t have to go out though. What did you have in mind instead?”

Oh wouldn’t he like to know.

“Don’t worry your wee little Canadian head. I was thinking we could do a little grocery store snack run and then you could stay over, if you wanted.”

“Stay over...Like for the night?”

You grinned. “Yes Shawn, for the night.”

He hadn’t spent the night since your drunken tequila adventure. It was clear that this was taking a step forward for you both.

“Yea, I’d like that.”

“I still have to get dressed. You can come watch or wait out in the living room.” You offered knowing exactly which one he’d choose.

You’d spent an hour picking out the perfect outfit that said, “forget the club and come fuck me” and finally had the perfect concoction. It was a black jumpsuit with a see-through panel all the way down the chest. It was perfect because you weren’t wearing a bra and it left little to the imagination, which was the goal. Shawn, who stayed on his phone while you were doing your hair, quickly sat straight up on your bed when you walked into the room.

“Hey will you button me up?”

“Yea uh…. Yea.”

You picked your curls up in your hands exposing your neck and back so he could button the collar. He did as you asked quickly running his large palms along the length of your sides and spun you around to face him.

“You look…incredibly sexy.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck bringing even more attention to your chest. Shawn, who for all intents and purposes had been one of the most mature men you’d been with, could not maintain eye contact for shit. Something about boobs brings out the teenage boy in everyone. His eyes were not staying focused and the blush that resulted in his cheeks was mesmerizing. For this particular moment you were quite happy with that turn out.

“Y--You gonna wear this to the store?” He asked. “You’re beautiful...breathtaking really. Just seems like an interesting choice is all.”

“Tyra Banks once said, ‘hoe, but make it fashion.’” You said as if that explained everything.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

You giggled pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Just because we’re going to the store doesn’t mean I can’t look good. It’s a self-confidence thing. Humor me?”

“Always.” He promised kissing you again.

The trip to the store is honestly like two kids who have been left to their own devices in the middle of a store that they really shouldn’t have. You may or may not spend twenty minutes in the toy section hitting each other with bouncy balls and playing baseball with foam bats and balls.

He pushed you into the secluded area of the bicycles capturing your lips with his and it’s a wonder you make it out of the store at all. Your hands wander everywhere familiarizing yourself with every piece you plan to see tonight. Shawn’s eyes flutter close when your hand inches past his belt cupping him through his jeans for the first time. The sounds that he make get you going beyond belief, and stopping is harder than ever.

“You don’t know what you do to me.” He whined adjusting himself in his jeans before you finally make your way to the food section.

You smiled up at him giving your best imitation of his own puppy dog look.

“What?”

“You know what.” He murmured wrapping his arms around your waist from behind as you pushed the cart

You stock up on snacks and food as if there’s a blizzard coming. It’s a little much, but you have every intention of needing to replenish your energy that weekend, so it seemed worth it in the end.

When the groceries are put away and he’s standing there leaning against your counter looking sinful and beautiful, everything in you says to touch. Shawn was leaning against one counter with his arms crossed and you were leaning with your arms back against the opposite counter. There was maybe five inches of space between where his feet ended and yours began. It would’ve been incredibly easy to reach out.

No one was talking so there was just that charged energy that seemed to enter the room with you every now and again. He really was fucking gorgeous and you had wanted him since day one. All of the build up to this moment had you biting your lip and squeezing your thighs together like the wanton harlot he’d turned you into.

“I should probably run back to my place for clothes.” He said breaking the silence.

You shrugged. “Why?”

“For something to sleep in. I don’t think I have anything but my hoodie over here.”

“I think you’ll be okay.”

“How come?”

“Because I want you to fuck me and I don’t really think we need pajamas for that.”

TBC

#Shawn Mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #Shawn Mendes fic #Shawn Mendes fanic #Shawn Mendes fan fiction #Shawn Mendes college au #shawn mendes x reader #Shawn Mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes x y/n #shawn mendes x you #shawn mendes imagine #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn

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sleepylop · 5 years ago

Text

One Night on Floor Seven: A Hallway Opera

Well, well… welcome to the hallway carpet! Hope you can learn to put up with the smell of curdled soymilk and sour-fragranced aerosol. Personally, I’d like to believe that unrelenting decay is what gives floor seven its character. A delightfully all-consuming “decay,” which extends past just mold caked with chemical lavender. Here, you’ll find five residual units, installed as an afterthought for the sake of filling out surplus space. (A cluster of tumorous apartments, if you will.) That being said, I’d like to introduce our cast—or, better yet, I’ll open the stage and allow them to introduce themselves.

Enjoy the show!

1. Friday, April 19th, 9:42 PM:

Tonight, he’s sat near the top of the stairwell, broadcasting his thoughts on the status of neo-Pagan reptilians and their rapid encroachment on social values:

“I am warning you all so early on, with what we all know is coming, but are too chemically possessed to acknowledge! Our creator died long ago, but a God greater than him has stepped up to rule us; and, he is testing our integrity each and every day! Still, we’re—” He lets out a feral, yet impassioned belch, before continuing, “—we… we’re failing! We’re failing his tests, and we are willingly submitting to witchcraft, and the demonic reptiles who wield it against us! We must come together through a shared blood offering, and repent for our stupidity! Blood! We must give him our blood! Evil will drown in our blood!”

He’s preaching to what seems to be an empty hallway, relying only on the possibility that his voice will slip its way into the surrounding units. For him, walls with the thickness of battered cardboard are a fantastic asset for his ministry.

Each slurred syllable is coated with a residue of cheap cider, as is the inner thighs of his sweatpants. “His” legal name is unknown. His apartment door sits just three feet to his left, and the dilapidated “worship space” he now rents out can be found just two blocks up the street.

He’s also been asked, on a series of occasions, for clarification on exactly what higher power he’s touting as humankind’s omnipresent foster parent. He has yet to give an explanation more concise than simply, “Well, I invite you to join me, for this week’s Sunday evening worship! Together, one day, we will have the honour to bleed for our beautiful, beautiful king. Join us in the only true path to holy redemption! You will soon understand all, I promise you that.”

It’s been just short of two months, and the residents of floor seven have come to a silent consensus: Do not engage with the righteous-ass preacher in room 703, lest you be roped into joining his non-denominational suicide cult. Do not speak or further enable him. Just walk past, again and again. And, most importantly, keep an eye out for any bold-faced, blood-centric news headlines.

Surely enough, morbid curiosity has become the collective vice of floor seven.

2. Friday, April 19th, 11:08 PM:

At the edge of the staircase, right where the carpet is beginning to peel away from water-corroded wood, the preacher has fallen asleep. Oh shit, his snores sound fucked. Possibly, maybe, suggestive of sleep apnea… maybe?

At least, this assessment of symptoms is what twists its way into Evie’s thoughts, via what is beginning to feel like a paranoid reflex. Having just reached the peak of the seven-flight climb, especially, her attention is already shrouded by fog and gorging itself on any thought that’s not this is where I tumble to my death, I’ve lost all feeling in my calves and I’m forgetting how to climb stairs.

The lone elevator is out of service, just as it has been for the past four years or so.

Ahead of Evie, the wallpaper is beginning to distort, her tired eyes directing a show of yellowed roses rearranging and twisting into one-another. Her room, 705, lies directly ahead, the front door bulging in synch with the walls.

It has been a miserable day. Like, an exceptionally shitty day. Far too often, as much as she cares for her own future as a registered nurse, Evie finds herself considering the legitimacy of the suicide cult. Sometimes, school and a lifetime of anxious baggage don’t mesh remarkably well.

Just as she raises her foot to proceed onward toward freedom, Evie feels a cold hand latch onto her ankle. And, before she’s able to come to a conscious halt, she hurdles toward the off-green carpet. Evie’s fall forward is then ceremoniously punctuated by her right knee jabbing into floor, sending a shockwave of pain down her calf. Her backpack presses its weight down onto her, prompting Evie to lose her balance and roll off to the side, twisting her captive ankle in the process. Well, if only I had fallen backwards, to my sudden, wonderful death.

Evie jerks her head around to see, as she had expected, the liquified form of the preacher brandishing her leg, his pale hand squeezing at her ankle. Before Evie can determine the most effective explanatives for the situation, the preacher mumbles, “G’evening, miss. I almost didn’t see you passing by. Can I talk to you ‘bout something, while you’re here?”

Evie doesn’t respond. Instead, she yanks her ankle away from the preacher, making a deliberate effort to at least dislocate his wrist in the process. This effort seems to have failed, as while Evie scrambles to her feet, the preacher continues to slur, “I noticed that you’ve been living what looks like, um, a homosexual lifestyle. I’d like to discuss that with you, maybe, just a bit?”

Growing rapidly more jaded toward the absurd universe that is floor seven, Evie keeps her mouth shut—which, is truly a test of will. God fucking damn, is this guy even a real person? Or is this just the start of my inevitable breakdown?

As Evie makes the short dash to her front door, she hears the preacher continue to babble from the floor. “It’s just, I wanted to have a little discussion, y’know? Homosexuality isn’t, uh, innately bad, I guess, but sometimes it is the product of psychic population control, and I just wanted to let you know, so that our New World Order is never able to—”

The sound of Evie’s door creaking on its rusted hinges is directly followed by a thunderous slam. The preacher’s words catch in his throat, seeming to choke him in the process.

No, really, he’s suddenly gagging on air. He’s beginning to go blue in the face.

Neither he nor Evie notice: Her wallet is now buried in the carpet, just a foot from where the preacher’s head hovers barely over the ground.

Left with no opportunities for further harassment, he dozes back to sleep, cuddling his empty bottle of cider into his chest.

3. Saturday, April 20th, 12:31 AM:

A grey-haired man, dressed in loafers and a faded tie-dye shirt, is approaching room 702. He’s certainly not a resident of floor seven, but he has a very important appointment.

He notices the familiar shape of the preacher curled into a tight lump, snores echoing throughout the narrow hallway. Still, the sight is unsettling, even for a frequent visitor. Something about this strange situation will never, ever sit right with him.

In his peripheral vision, as the visitor raps softly onto the door of room 702, he notices a metallic glint, nestling against his foot. Is that… oh, a lost wallet? Jesus, it looks like the kind of wallet a little girl would strap to her matching purse. Do any kids even live on this floor?

Shrugging to himself, the visitor kneels down, scooping up the glitter-dusted wallet. It fits oh-so snuggly into the palm of his hand. Maybe Mistress Delia will know who this little thing belongs to.

After a moment more spent on standby, the door eases open.

Snores continue to cannibalize the airspace.

4. Saturday, April 20th, 2:06 AM:

A lopsided smile softening his face, the visitor steps back into the hallway of floor seven. He shuts the door softly behind himself. A half-formed bruise is visible on the meat of his bicep.

He swivels around on his heels, readjusting to the sound of snoring and the smell of asbestos and rot. And, before he can even will himself to take a step deeper into reality, the visitor is hit with a second resounding noise: A hollow tapping, rising from the nearby stairwell.

Then, within seconds of the visitor’s panicked acknowledgement, a new man reaches the crest of floor seven. A batlike man, dressed in an elaborate mixture of dark, free-flowing fabric and romantic embroidery. His face and hands are deeply wrinkled, and his platform boots only emphasize his height—which, towers well over the visitor. White roots are beginning to tease his otherwise purple-black hair, which has been tied back into a tight ponytail.

With a relaxed smile and a custard voice, he addresses the visitor. “Oh, hey, have I seen you around here before? I feel like I’ve seen you comin’ in and out, before.” He follows this up with a string of deep breaths, still recovering from his upward journey. Clearly, the fabric wings are entirely nonfunctional.

Feeling heat rise to the surface of his face, the visitor shrugs. “Yeah, you may have,” he says, staring over the other man’s shoulder, eyes losing focus. “I’ve been around here a few times, before.”

With a curt nod, the retirement-bound vampire begins to stretch his right arm across his chest, his silver jewelry chiming faintly. “Cool, cool. Anyway, don’t mean to hold you up. I’m Oscar, by the way; feel free to say hi, next time, alright?”

“I… I can remember that, okay,” the visitor replies, his voice barely audible over the violent snoring, which has practically become ambient noise. “Do you live here?” he asks, after a beat of hesitation.

Oscar hums. “Indeed, I do. I was just gettin’ back a bit later than usual. Had an interesting night,” he says, then hums again, softly.

“Where are you coming from?” the visitor asks, before any social phobias can drag him back down to hell. He’s still baking in his own endorphins, as he often is after some therapeutic-grade flogging. Mistress Delia may be a professional domme, but she places spectacular concentration on the emotional relief of her clients.

“Well, since you ask, I just got done with ‘goth night,’” Oscar says, air quotes included, paired with a dramatic eye roll. Which, is made exceptionally dramatic, thanks to his purple lenses. “The last goth club ‘round here closed years back, which continues to suck profound ass, but occasionally I hear about a ‘goth night’ happenin’, usually at some club downtown. This one had been… not brilliant. Mainly just played a grating loop of 2000s industrial. And, major points off for all the Marilyn Manson tracks. Do people still think the dude’s music is ‘goth’? Really?” Oscar yawns, as if the freshly branded memory is enough to further exhaust him.

Still, the visitor responds with a nervous smile. “That’s, um, interesting. I… didn’t know about any of that.” He pauses. Snoring takes over again, for a moment. “Anyway, I should be going, now. It was nice meeting you.”

With that, the visitor makes a beeline for the stairwell. As he weaves around Oscar, the elder goth offers a quick, “Nice meeting you too, man. Hope good ol’ Delia is treatin’ you right.”

And, finally, the visitor is no longer a visitor of floor seven. Or, of anywhere, currently.

Oscar retreats to room 701, boots tapping in rhythm with the preacher’s sour attempts at breathing.

5. Saturday, April 20th, 4:38 AM:

Later that morning, after a violently disoriented and hungover preacher returns to his own apartment, the door to room 704 opens for the first time.

Out comes Sal.

Sal’s a normal guy. He works in accounting. He’s gluten-free and recently took on a side gig in multilevel marketing. He calls his mom every night, just before 8 PM.

Sal just wants to catch the bus.

Sal’s been searching for a new apartment.

Wish Sal luck.

#writers on tumblr #writeblr #writing #amwriting #oh no hayley is writing #here's a short story I wrote a few months ago! for a workshop #although I turned in the draft late (kind of due to a stupid misunderstanding on my part)#so it was never workshopped by the class. ;n;#anyway yeah here's a short story that semi-directly caused one of my only bad panic attacks last semester! yipee~#(btw I didn't fail the assignment or anything and I got an A- in the class jkdfgnsgnk)#(but that certainly didn't stop me from flipping my shit~)

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abirdystolemyheartonce · 6 years ago

Text

I just want to say something.

Being single is okay.

Even on the nights you think on how nice it might be to have a pair of arms around you, or a set of soft lips to kiss.

Your health is more important than a need to dive into relationships.

I've spent the last 7 years of my life in relationships back to back, and here's the thing.

I spent more of my time wondering if the other person was okay and tending to their needs rather than making sure I was okay.

I realized a few things from this.

One: I prioritize others above myself.

Two: It made me negligent towards myself.

Three: Disappointments led me to self-loathing.

And Four: Denial kept me from seeing it any differently and acting on my emotional and health needs.

After having been with cheaters twice, a layabout, and a sociopath, I garnered a lot of personal power while at the same time retaining a lot of backlash from the relationships.

This year in particular I feel I have suffered a great number of losses. But I guess that's what happens when your life comes under a microscope.

I know I'm largely imperfect. I know I'm messy, I make mistakes. I'm just human, what a shocker.

But I also know I try to care about others a lot. I take the time to nurture relationships if they mean something to me. I try to make that person feel important and needed.

While this can be wonderful in a healthy and balanced relationship, for me, in lesser circumstances, this led to an overbearing purpose that I had to be a lifeline for whoever I was with.

No matter how nice appearances can be at first, people will demand things out of you. It's up to you to be strong enough in yourself to dictate how you go about that in an independent way.

If I could go back to the start of my most recent relationship I would have said no to a lot more things, I would have made the healthy decision to leave him when he gave me a negative complex about myself and spoon-fed me little negative comments to always keep me guessing and figuring out what I was doing wrong.

I think love can be a beautiful thing. Don't get me wrong.

But it can also be draining and take away the best parts of you that you ignore. It can take away your love for yourself, create tension, it can change the way you look at the world and at society and people as a whole. I've also seen it bring people together, though, and that's what gives me a little strength.

I want to say when I was as young as 13, I started experiencing negative thoughts about myself. It started with how people saw me in school, or rather didn't see me, to my utter and complete lack of social connections and friends. When I applied this logic that if I just gave people what they wanted, they would be kind to me, that's when things got worse.

Having insecurities is largely based on what we consume from not only media but from the negative opinions of others as well. While I think constructive criticism can be healthy, I think that it is important to nurture what already exists in a person and promote growth.

But what do we do if no one supports us in the way that we need?

We look for it in someone else.

By seeking completion in someone else we're giving up in a sense and saying "I'm not good enough".

We're saying "This person is more important than me", "I'm lucky to have this", "I don't deserve this".

I can tell you that after ending an abusive relationship that my perspective has changed greatly.

I gave my everything to a guy who never appreciated me, acted aloof, cold, and when I tried to brush it aside as him just needing tenderness, he took advantage of that and milked me for everything I had. It wasn't until near the three-year mark that I finally had a revelation, when someone come forward with a string of evidence showing that he had been fooling around with other girls for the entire duration of our relationship. He took the methods I applied to him and butchered them to win over other hearts.

He left me with things like "fat", "moody", "stupid.". Mostly the latter. He thought he was this progidy and that everyone was below him. I thought he was just deluded but would learn some day. He thought I was worthless.

After I broke up with him, I felt a lot stronger than I had before. I took a really big step that I was being manipulated out of considering over and over again: liberating myself.

When you go about relationships in a sense that you want to sell or offer something to another person, that becomes a strong outline in how you approach people in general. We were all taught to put on a smile no matter what we're going through. To bury the pain, hide the suffering, and give to others.

Well unfortunately the golden rule doesn't always work that way.

People can be greedy, selfish. They can take you for granted and milk you for your money's worth. People can suck ass.

I suffer from depression. I get anxiety, and seemingly some emotional ptsd. I have never loved myself, and as a result I have never tried.

Until now.

It's been six months since I ended that relationship. I'm not doing great, but I'm trying to. I'm trying, and that's what matters. Even when I'm drunk, alone, and feeling like trash, I still try to reassure myself that I have the strength and willpower to overcome this. As much as it hurts, as much as it sucks, and as alone as I feel. I want to be the person I dream of being. I'm only halfway there.

I know that I'm strong, but I also want to be free. That's why I choose to stay single. It's my turn to love myself and I know that no one on earth is going to do that for me. I've cried over it long enough to realize that no one's knocking on the door to see if I'm okay. Why would they when I bottle all the pain away?

Talking to people is the other hard part. Talking to family, and to friends. This has been the most therapeutic to me. In being honest about my short-comings, fears, and doubts with those close to me, I've opened up some doors in hearing that I wasn't alone.

I hear similar stories to mine from anonymous faces online, and that gives me strength.

I think the absolute most important step in anything is recognizing that you're not alone.

So yes, it is very okay to be single. It is very okay to love yourself. It's also okay not to feel okay. It's okay to cry it out. It's okay to take your time.

They were wrong about me because they said I was weak, stupid, ugly, incapable.

I'm here to say they were full of shit.

I'm a good person. I'm strong, and calculated, and powerful. I am beautiful, capable, and mindful. Someday those people are going to wonder what they missed out on because they're going to hear how great I'm doing and I'm going to be too far evolved from the person I was when I was with them to care.

I don't know if I'm ever going to give my heart to someone ever again.

But that's fine.

I have myself.

And I know that I'm not alone.

We can always love ourselves despite what has happened to us. We can value ourselves despite what we reflect on negatively.

But you need to make that choice for yourself.

Choose to water yourself, to nurture, and grow. Choose to have healthy relationships and don't hesitate to let bad things go.

If we held onto every bad person or event that came into our life, we wouldn't make it through the night.

That's why we grow, we become stronger, we try.

Being single is okay.

Being in a healthy relationship with yourself is better.

This is just chapter one in my personal growth story.

You choose when and where yours starts.

#my thoughts #long post #relationships #insecurities #depression #anxiety #self hate #abuse #self love #growth #my story

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angeldesaray · 7 years ago

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Paralyzed (Dean x Reader)

AN: I got this idea listening to Paralyzed by NF (Hence the title) and admittedly, from some personal experience, (and I admit personal experience because I am an odd one that can be very open about things others would be uncomfortable with sharing. Plus I thought it might be a little therapeutic to write some of it out).

Characters: Dean Winchester, Reader (Fem Reader, btw), Sam Winchester (Briefly mentioned), Castiel (Briefly Mentioned)

Trigger warning: Thoughts of self harm, talk of suicidal thoughts, depression, some anxiety. I do spend some time delving into/explaining the current state of mind before getting to the comfort/fluff.

One Shot/Drabble, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Swearing

Word Count: 1721

When did I become so numb? When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue; feel like they came from someone else.

When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed? Where's the person that I know? They must have left--They must have left, with all my faith...

I'm paralyzed: I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die. And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago but it's still alive. And it's taking over me, where am I? I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside--but I feel nothing, I wonder why? And on the race of life time passes by--look! I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets. Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em--I just watch 'em. I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it, I'm at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is. I'm in a box, but I’m the one who locked me in--suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen.

I'm paralyzed; where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should. I'm paralyzed--where is the real me? I’m lost and it kills me inside...I’m paralyzed.

The lights were off in your room, possibly the whole bunker. Under the blankets somehow managed to feel too hot and too cold at the same time. Curled up in the fetal position on your side, one arm under and one arm on top of the pillow, your hands white knuckled the soft pillow so tight that despite the padding your nails were still digging into your palms. Your face was turned into the pillow, your body shaking from the effort to keep it inside, even now in the solitude of your room. You were afraid of the noise--that even though you were alone, in the silence of the bunker you feared if you made so much as a squeak you would be heard, and one of the Winchester brothers would know you were not okay.

They couldn’t know--not because they reacted badly or anything like that, but because it was so deeply engrained into you that you had to be fine, and as close to perfect as possible, and no one could know if something was wrong with you or you’d done something wrong. Not to mention, unexplained feelings like what you were experiencing now seemed to pail miserably in comparison to what the Winchesters went through--you weren’t going to bring up that you felt how you did for no reason visible to you.

The pain--unexplained sorrow, or perhaps pain that had been repressed far too long that popped the lid on the entire bottle for all of it to overflow at once in a confusing flood with no coherency to it to make it explainable--caused you to curl further into yourself, clutching that feeble pillow tighter while your mouth opened in a silent scream of pain as you fought the sound, shaking from the effort it took to be silent and the immense sadness that was consuming you at this very moment. The pillow was wet--not damp, but not yet soaked--with your tears, and every now and then some fragment of a sob would make it out of your throat before you choked it back down or buried your face in the pillow to make it suffocate before it could grow into something louder.

And there was no true reason to your current state. Nothing you could pinpoint, anyway. The past week, maybe longer, you’d just slowly...slipped into a darker and darker place. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it was particularly bad right now. Usually, you could put on the smile, the act--say ‘I’m fine’ or at least that you would be okay, that you were just feeling a little down and would be better soon.

Maybe it was all the repressed emotions you’d bottled up for as long as you remembered that had been there so long you didn’t even still have the memories the feelings were tied to, or could even make sense of all the feelings they were. They were just bottled up because you were the good girl, the strong girl, the one that never did anything wrong or had anything wrong with her--things that were engrained into your psyche at a heart-wrenching young age. You were always getting onto Dean when he repressed things too long because you saw what it did to him...or maybe because you knew what it did to you.

Maybe something had triggered it, maybe there was some small event you’d forgotten about already that had started this subtle-at-first slide into the breakdown you were currently having.

Maybe there was no reason. Maybe it just happened.

But you didn’t care about what started it, not right now. Right now it was just the pain, the overwhelming pain and the need to be silent in your pain so the other two occupants in the bunker wouldn’t know you were suffering.

Thank God Castiel wasn’t around right now. He’d surely be able to pick up on the agony of soul you were in right now if he had been nearby.

You didn’t think you could curl up any more--you might break yourself in two if you did, though you might not even notice, where you were right now emotionally.

The brief thought crossed your mind that there were plenty of knives in the bunker, and the image danced briefly across your mind, fleetingly tantalizing before you clamped down on the thought.

Right...the dark, temporary relief. The distraction from the emotional pain. The only thing that kept you from that road was evidence--you couldn’t risk leaving any evidence to break your don’t let them know rule. That was the only thing that kept you from inflicting physical pain upon yourself to distract from the emotional--a sheer desire not to leave evidence for others to see how messed up you were.

But you weren’t always messed up. There were plenty of times when you really were okay, when you were happy, even if it was fleeting--most of those moments were with Sam, Dean, and Cas, Dean especially.

Other days...other days you found yourself thinking--even if it was only a brief image in your head before you caught it and shoved it deep, deep down--of the easy way out, or a thought that would eventually lead you to that conclusion.

You were holding yourself together with scotch tape, and even that was being generous--and as far as you knew, no one was aware. And even though you had three wonderful people in your life, it took a loneliness you’d battled all your life and made it into an inescapable monster on nights like these.

Your eyes squeezed tightly shut as you fought to keep in the emotions spilling over all at once, you didn’t notice the door quietly open.

Someone had noticed--honestly, everyone had, but he had grown so worried, he couldn’t sleep and had to come and check on you even though it was the middle of the night.

Because that was Dean. And for all your effort to be silent, thank God he’d come.

You were still shaking in bed, face slick with tears and trying to muffle your pain with the pillow that couldn’t even keep your fingernails from digging into your palms, when you suddenly felt a warm, calloused hand envelop the one clenched on top of the pillow. You jumped, startled, breath catching in your throat and feeling sheer panic at the realization someone had found you in the middle of your breakdown. Dean instantly moved to reassure you, while your tears slowed dramatically from the well-ingrained instinct not to let others see you cry if you could help it.

“It’s okay, it’s me,” Dean said softly as you turned enough to peer in his direction through the darkness of your room. He was close enough you could make out just enough to see his heart break some to see you so distraught and vulnerable, and it broke your heart more to see it, immediately feeling like an unnecessary burden.

Upon seeing the state you were in up close, Dean carefully shifted to lie down on the bed beside you, expression one of pure concern, especially when you didn’t immediately turn to face him, but remained curled up with your back to him. He did what he could while only facing your back, tenderly pulling the hair from your face and tucking it behind your ear, his hand dropping to gently rub your shoulder once he’d finished.

“Talk to me? Tell me what’s wrong?” he asked softly after several long moments of silence of him staring at your shaking shoulders and you trying to regain some composure.

And failing miserably at your task.

The sound of his voice was a natural balm--Dean himself was--but at the same time, you didn’t want to talk right now, you didn’t want words that would only seem empty with the state you were currently in.

You turned over to lie on your back, looking up at him and finding his open, wholehearted concern bringing the flood of emotions right back to the surface. You swallowed, offering no explanation as you turned all the way around, once more on your side, but now with your arms wrapping around Dean, fingers clenching into his shirt and face buried in his warm chest, curling up to him instead of yourself as the tears resumed spilling down your cheeks. It didn’t take long for his shirt to get damp, heading quickly for soaked as he Dean, slightly startled and still unsure of where all of this had come from, wrapped you in his arms in turn, pulling you close and tucking her head comfortably under his chin, one hand rubbing your back to encourage you to let it out--whatever it was that had you in so much pain.

“It’s okay...It’s okay...I’m here...” he murmured, but you shook your head jerkily at his words, still mindful enough not to head-butt him in the chin.

It wasn’t okay.

“Please...don’t talk. Not right now,” you murmured haltingly, hands clenching tighter as you pulled him closer, as you wormed your way closer to him. “Don’t talk...I just need...need this--need you. Not words...just you,” you finished in a whisper.

Clearly listening to what you said, Dean didn’t say anything, but in response he did hold you tighter, closer, perhaps even protectively, like he was going to protect you from what was hurting you even if he didn’t know what it was. In the silence, you let yourself be held, let the warmth fight the cold and numb that encroached inside you, let his presence and embrace show you that you weren’t alone. He didn’t speak, not one word, and he didn’t once complain about the tears ruining his shirt or the sounds of pain that mirrored a wounded animal that escaped you here and there--he didn’t complain about not being told what was wrong. He simply held you, a little tighter or more securely when some wave of pain pulled some sort of vocalization out of you, until you grew so exhausted you simply passed out, falling asleep with tears still wet on your face in his embrace.

And when you woke, he was still there, holding you just as securely, even when he was asleep himself.

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airoasis · 5 years ago

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Two adults, two kids, zero waste | Bea Johnson | TEDxFoggyBottom

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/two-adults-two-kids-zero-waste-bea-johnson-tedxfoggybottom-5/

Two adults, two kids, zero waste | Bea Johnson | TEDxFoggyBottom

Translator: Maria Boura Reviewer: Rhonda Jacobs The normal American generates one ton of waste annually. My household: one jar of waste per yr given that 2008. Our ride started back in 2006; we read some books, watched some documentaries. And what my husband and i determined really made us unhappy fascinated about the long run we have been going to go away at the back of for our children. So it gave us the will to change our methods. I got super motivated in looking for waste-free alternatives. I tried lots of matters like canning and those – some things have been excellent strategies; others, now not a lot. Canning used to be a good suggestion, however I do not suggest utilizing stinging nettle on your lips in lieu of lip plumper. It quite hurts, consider me. I do not recommend making use of moss in lieu of toilet paper either.You see, moss dries, so the next day to come you turn out to be with – you realize those scouring pads? Yes, now not very exceptional. I don’t recommend that. I additionally tried making use of "no poo," which is a way of washing your hair without shampoo. You’re presupposed to wet your scalp, therapeutic massage some baking soda in, and then rinse it with apple cider vinegar. But after six months, let’s just say that the oil of my hair migrated right down to here, and i ended up with frizzy ends. No longer rather the hairstyle I was once watching for. But I believe I hit rock backside, when one night I went to lay down next to my husband, and he appeared over, rolled his eyes, and stated, "i am so tired of you smelling like pickled herring, Bea.(Laughter) it can be rather no longer attractive." So that is when I realized that might be I had gone too a long way, and possibly I should find a further substitute to shampoo. Finally this trial and blunder, we located stability. We located that for Zero Waste to be sustainable in our loved ones in the end, all we needed to do was once comply with five principles in order. Now, do not you guys even dare consider that we bury our waste in our backyard, or we throw it in different persons’s cans, or within the public packing containers. The first rule is to refuse what we should not have. Now we have without problems learned to say "no"; we say no to junk mail, we say no to single-use plastics, we are saying no to freebies. For at present, in this consumerist society, we’re the objectives of many purchaser items. However each time we take delivery of them, we create a requirement to make more. At any time when we take a free plastic pen from a conference, it’s a way for us to assert, "Please, drill extra oil from the ground to create a alternative, and the substitute will be created." The second rule of the Zero Waste tradition is to reduce what we do need.So in our residence, we’ve gone through a decluttering system. The great thing about decluttering is that it lets you share the matters that you don’t relatively use or want with different men and women. It boosts the second-hand market, which is highly foremost for the way forward for Zero Waste. In my kitchen in the historical days, I used to have a jar full of utensils. I had about ten wood spoons, until i realized that I most effective have two hands. And after I stir, I best want one hand.What’s the point of having ten wood spoons? One is ample. This can be a picture of underneath my sink. This is a area that was once stuffed with cleaning merchandise on the grounds that I used to be listening to what the entrepreneurs inform us. They tell us that for every software, we’d like a further product. To clean the home windows, we want a product; to clean the flooring, an additional product; the lavatory, another product; and we grow to be with a cupboard stuffed with toxic merchandise that we do not absolutely want.We located that we will clean our whole house simply with white vinegar and castile soap. That is our toilet, and our medication cupboard. So this represents all of the merchandise that we’d like in our lavatory. For illustration, to brush our teeth, we quite simply sprinkle baking soda on a moist toothbrush. On my eyes, i take advantage of burnt almonds; on my dermis, i take advantage of cooking oil; and on my cheeks, i take advantage of cacao powder. The only quandary with utilising cacao powder in your cheeks is that you’ve got a hazard of getting attacked by way of puppies when you stroll down the street, nevertheless it hasn’t happened but. This is the master suite. And this, the closet that I share with my husband. Now, in a typical closet, individuals handiest use 20% of their clothes. They keep the opposite 80% for the "what if." "What if…?" What if we’ve got a job interview? What if now we have a wedding to move to? What if we’re going to drop some weight? What if we will attain weight? What if, what if, what if? What we’ve completed in our residence is figure out what our 20% is, and we’ve got let go of the opposite 80%.So in my case, i’ve one pair of shorts, two skirts, two dresses, two pairs of pants, seven tops, and one sweater. Having less does now not imply that you’ve got much less choices. If truth be told, these 15 pieces allow me to create more than 50 appears. My youngsters are minimalists too. This is my youngest son’s bed room. And as you will find, all of his cloth cabinet can slot in a elevate-on. In fact, every of our wardrobes can fit in a elevate-on. You understand what the fantastic thing about that is? If we want to go away for the weekend, per week, a month; all we must do is pull out our carry-ons, we throw our wardrobes in it, we zip it, we’re out the door, then a cleaning carrier is available in, cleans the condo, after which now we have folks that come, appoint the residence out, and come to be buying our vacations.Don’t go considering that we’re trying to, or we hide things in different closets. This is our linen closet, and this is our storage. The 0.33 rule of the Zero Waste way of life is to reuse. And in our residence, reusing means swapping whatever that is disposable for a reusable substitute. So this glass jar full of handkerchief is what has replaced the tissue box. No want for disposable sponges, or paper towels. We simply use rags, a wooden scrubby, and a metal scrubby. No need for disposable food storage gadgets. We have changed them all with glass jars. And we also have been able to eliminate meals packaging readily with the aid of going to the shop with a kit made of reusables. So we store the bulk aisles of the grocery store. After which once I’m residence, I transfer the dry items into glass containers so this is what our pantry looks like. And that is what our fridge looks like. We even purchase our wine in bulk; we simply get our bottles refilled at a winery.The 2nd rule of reusing is to purchase 2nd hand. All our wardrobes are purchased 2nd hand. Yes, even my shoes. 5 bucks. Thanks, thanks. (Applause) i know I scored on these, i’m mindful of that; I obviously scored. Now, for the gadgets that we can not to find in a thrift retailer, then we fall back on places like the flea market. That is the place I purchased these chairs. Or frequently eBay for the fairly precise items that we’d like. The fourth rule of the Zero Waste culture is to recycle handiest what we can’t refuse, reduce, or reuse. So the Zero Waste lifestyle does not imply recycling extra, it clearly means recycling less, because of waste prevention within the first location. With this culture, we have now learned that we must hinder plastics in any respect bills, given that now not simplest are they poisonous to our wellbeing when they’re being manufactured, they’re also toxic to our wellness when we are without a doubt utilising them.Numerous the food packaging certainly leaches into our meals. We have additionally discovered that very few plastics have the chance of being recycled, and the ones that do have a danger of being recycled are turning into an item that is not recyclable. So we consider plastics as a fabric that’s intended for the landfill. So we attempt to restrict it in any respect charges. And as a substitute we select glass, metallic, cardboard, paper, and oftentimes timber, just like the toothbrush you noticed prior, when you consider that we are able to compost them. Rot is the last rule to the Zero Waste way of life.In these days we now not best rot – compost fruit and veggie scraps but we additionally compost our butter wrappers. Butter is the one meals that we buy in packaging. Now we purchase it in a waxed paper packaging since we will compost it. But we additionally compost floor sweepings, dryer lint, even our hair. Simply, it is extra my boys’ hair. I do not compost my hair, I recycle my hair. I let it develop down to right here, and then I get it reduce, after which I send it to an institution that makes wigs for melanoma sufferers.Not goodbye in the past, had I heard a few Zero Waste loved ones, i would have inspiration to myself, "Oh boy, these persons have got to be total granola. I am definite they live in the boondocks, and i’m definite she does not shave." good, I wore a skirt today for you guys so you could assess for yourselves. I do not have hair on my legs. (Applause) i might might be also have thought, "well, she have to be a keep-at-dwelling mom with method an excessive amount of time on her hands; she traditionally issues about her waste all day, or makes a bunch of things from scratch. That’s not the case; i’m a full-time professional, and the only matters I make are my cosmetics, and only a few of them. We observed that the Zero Waste culture is not only excellent for the environment but it is also been quality for our well being, seeing that we now have been ready to do away with all toxins from our lives, and we’re approach less ailing than we was once earlier than.We also observed that this Zero Waste subculture saves a ton of cash – 40% on our overall budget. That is because that, one, we devour manner, manner, approach not up to earlier than. However when we purchase some thing, it’s handiest to replace some thing that desires to get replaced – a shoe that has a gap in it, or a T-shirt that is too small. And when we buy that replacement, we purchase it second hand, which with the aid of definition, costs less. But we additionally buy our meals in bulk. Were you aware that while you purchase an item in a bundle, 15% of the rate covers the cost of the packaging? So when you buy in bulk, you are making an automated 15% financial savings. However in the end, we’ve changed whatever that’s disposable in our house for a reusable substitute. In order that signifies that our cash is no longer invested in throwaways, in a landfill. We not throw our money away.We’ve as a substitute, invested in reusables. And so they’ve translated into cumulative financial savings over time. They’ve even allowed us to install solar on our roof which allows for us to avoid wasting even more. However to me, the high-quality aspect of this tradition is voluntary simplicity. Because it can be made time in our existence for what issues most: a life founded on experiences instead of things. A lifestyles centered on being as a substitute of having. As a family, thanks to this way of life, we now have been ready to do matters we might have by no means suggestion feasible earlier than. We have now been able to snorkel between two continents. We’ve been ready to trip our bikes between San Francisco and los angeles. We now have been able to head ice-mountain climbing on a glacier. However my favourite snapshot is in general this one. I believe it represents the Zero Waste way of life to a T, considering the fact that it’s translated into a way of life filled with absolute happiness.And when you’ve got an adolescent, you understand how tough it is to place a smile on their faces. In any case, you understand, Gandhi stated, "Happiness is while you consider, what you say, and what you do are in concord." The Zero Waste lifestyle has finished exactly that for me. Now, the little French au pair who got here to the USA at the age of 18 would have by no means suggestion that at some point she’d be launching a global movement. In view that today, thousands and hundreds of thousands of persons in the course of the arena have launched into this subculture. My guide and my weblog have even prompted humans to open Zero Waste retailers far and wide. Like Marie, who opened the first Zero Waste store in Germany. And there may be Gerard, who, after reading my booklet, realized that there was a need to bring back in the marketplace merchandise bought in returnable containers.After which there is Anne, I imply, appear at that retailer. How lovely is this cellular, little Zero Waste store? And you recognize what we all have in common? Without difficulty the remorse of no longer having began prior. So i might encourage you guys to consider about this. What do you have got to lose by means of embarking on the Zero Waste culture? Who is aware of what you would realize about yourselves? Probably… Absolute happiness? Thank you. .

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batterymonster2021 · 5 years ago

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Two adults, two kids, zero waste | Bea Johnson | TEDxFoggyBottom

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/two-adults-two-kids-zero-waste-bea-johnson-tedxfoggybottom-5/

Two adults, two kids, zero waste | Bea Johnson | TEDxFoggyBottom

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chicgeekgirl89 · 8 years ago

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We’re All Right

A/N: So, I don't have any children, but writing this story felt like giving birth. Holy cow. It took waaaay longer than I thought and every time I thought I was done I went back and changed something MAJOR which took a zillion hours to work in. It was frustrating and annoying and I am SUPER pleased with how it turned out. It kind of went to a different place than I anticipated and I think it worked out for the best. Post “Payback.”

Get to her.

The words had been burning inside him all day but now they roared in his ears so loudly he couldn’t hear anything else. Nothing, until she screamed his name.

He burst through the door and his eyes found her face, saw the blade pressed against her throat. He was barely aware of his finger hitting the trigger and then he was on his knees, ripping away her bindings and all he could focus on was if she was okay. Was she okay?

Yes. She was. She was all right. She had bitten her tongue, literally, not figuratively. Ferris, or as Deeks would refer to him from now on, ‘that asshole’, had definitely gotten an earful from her at some point during her captivity, of that he was certain.

He heard Callen come through the doorway, saw the uncertainty, the vulnerability in his partner’s eyes. She didn’t want them to see her like this, strapped to a wheelchair, at the mercy of someone else. It was not the ‘first day back’ impression she wanted to leave the team with. It wasn’t the comeback she deserved.

So he rescued her for the second time that day, in the best way he knew how, with his glib tongue. He didn’t even wait to see if Callen and Sam heeded his instructions to leave them alone, he just pulled her into his arms and it was like the world came crashing back into focus.

He breathed. She breathed. They were all right.

“You’re sure he didn’t hurt you?” Deeks finally asked when he managed to pull himself away, his eyes traveling her frame, looking for any sign of trauma.

“A few bumps and bruises. I had him on the ropes an hour ago but then his friends showed up,” she told him, rubbing at the red marks on her wrist where she’d been tied to the chair.

“Those damn spooks multiply like rabbits,” he muttered, finally looking at Ferris’ crumpled form. “What’d you get him with?”

“Box cutter.”

He shook his head. “That’s my girl.”

“It was a lot less than he deserved for threatening to cut my leg off.”

She said them casually but the words were nearly his undoing. His eyes slid shut and the breath left his lungs. After all she’d been through, to have that be Ferris’ parting shot…”I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “I should have been here.”

“I’m okay,” she told him. “Deeks, look at me. I’m all right. He didn’t do it. We didn’t let him. We made it. We’re all right.”

He inhaled. She was so much braver than he was. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here.”

He helped her to her feet and then frowned.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Not close enough.” He lifted her off the floor, cradling her into his chest.

“Deeks!” she laughed as he maneuvered them through the house around dead bodies and debris. “I can walk! I’m fine.”

“I know. But I like having you this close.”

She continued to protest as they walked out the door, but he could tell from the way her fingers toyed with the curls at the nape of his neck that she was perfectly happy and comfortable with her position in his arms.

He settled her into the passenger seat and grabbed a handful of napkins, dousing them with water from a half filled bottle before he got behind the wheel. “Here,” he leaned over and gently wiped away the blood that covered his partner’s chin. “You want some ice for your tongue?”

“When we get home.” She frowned and reached for his hand. “Babe, what happened?”

He hadn’t noticed the bruising on his knuckles, hadn’t even felt it until now. “Oh, I uh, I may have hit Sabatino.”

“May have?”

“You were missing. What was I supposed to do? Wine and dine him until he gave it up?”

“Sounds like you all had fun while I was gone. What else happened?”

“I threw a chair,” he said guiltily. As his mind flicked through the events of the hours she’d been missing it barely felt real, almost like he’d been someone else. The rest of the world had ceased to exist in a way he’d only experienced once before, when she’d been missing halfway across the globe. He’d been completely absorbed in finding her and now that he looked back on his actions he could see they’d been erratic and uncontrolled. But he couldn’t honestly say he regretted any of them.

“Baby!”

“Actually it was two chairs. And I told Hetty if anything happened to you it would be on her.”

He watched his partner’s jaw drop. “Let’s be honest, she’s had that one coming since she sent you to Afghanistan.”

He didn’t feel bad about it. Not after all the ways Hetty had screwed them over the years. They’d all looked the other way one too many times and he was done. The cost was too high.

“I’m so sorry,” Kensi said.

“You’re sorry? I’m sorry. I’m the one who let that asshole kidnap you. If I had been there—“

“No,” Kensi told him firmly, “you are not blaming yourself for this. We have to stop doing that and put the blame where it really belongs.”

Deeks raised his eyebrows. “Kens…”

“It’ll be good for us. I’ll start,” Kensi thought for a moment, “I personally would like to blame the Syrian insurgents who dropped a helicopter on my leg. Because if they hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have met Ferris in rehab. See? Easy.”

“I can blame anyone I want?” Deeks asked.

“As long as it’s not you or me.”

“Okay, then I would like to blame Hetty for sending you to Afghanistan in the first place. Because if she hadn’t done that, then you wouldn’t have been kidnapped the first time or the second time.”

“Wow, you really do have some pent up anger about that huh?”

His eyes narrowed. “You have no idea.”

“Fine, helicopters and Hetty. That works for me.”

“Helicopters and Hetty,” he echoed quietly. It sat well with him. Finding a place to send the blame shifted some of the weight on his shoulders.

“So,” she looked up at him coyly, the mood in the car going to a lighter, happier place. “I bet you were pretty sexy throwing those chairs.”

“Maybe a little sexy. You would have to ask Callen and Sam. Ooh,” he winced. “Actually I wouldn’t ask Callen anything right now.”

“What’s wrong with Callen?”

“Joelle.”

“Joelle?”

“She’s CIA. Hetty knew.”

“Damn it!” Kensi cried. “I finally get back in the game and I still miss out on everything!”

“You didn’t miss out. You got to take a box cutter to Ferris, which I imagine was pretty therapeutic since beating up bad guys is a hobby for you. You slipped me that earwig while I was in jail, which by the way was very, very hot and slightly disgusting and which we will talk about later.”

“But I was unconscious half the time. Why did you let Ferris kidnap me?” she whined.

“I thought you said it wasn’t my fault!”

“It’s not!” she huffed. “I’m just mad I missed all the fun. God, poor Callen.”

“Yeah, worst break-up ever.”

“Comfortable?” Deeks asked.

“Mmhmmm….”

Her legs lay across his lap, her fingers entwined with his, her back pressed against him. They’d been sitting one the couch for an hour and she kept finding new ways to mold her body even closer to his. It didn’t matter that he could barely breathe or that his arm had fallen asleep ten minutes ago. After a day like today there was no such thing as being too close.

“So, I think we need some new rules,” he told her.

“Okay.”

“No more helicopters.”

“Reasonable.”

“No more new friends. We’re good with the ones we have.”

One eye cracked open. “Really?”

“No more Hetty. Just a blanket ban on anything related to tea or classic Hollywood movies or withholding information vital to the safety and sanity of everyone on the team.”

“Deeks,” she chuckled.

“You’re laughing, but I’m serious,” he persisted. “Let’s get you a bubble to live in or, better yet, let’s just go. Let’s go lie on a deserted island beach somewhere and leave all this behind.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d suggested it and every time the thought came to him he wanted it more. It didn’t even have to be a beach. A mountain or a cave would work, just as long as he had the assurance that she was safe, that they were together, and the world was okay.

“Deeks…we can’t do that.”

“Why not?” he said, some of his anxiety slipping in through the levity.

“Because you would hate it. I would hate it. We would drive each other crazy. And the team needs us. I know today sucked, that the last eight months have sucked, but we can’t just leave.”

He went silent. She turned to look at him, concern in her eyes. “Deeks?”

“I went crazy without you today. Ever since Syria, it’s like I can never really rest. I’m scared of losing you every second. I thought it would be better now that you’re home and things are better, but it’s not. And then Ferris took you because I wasn’t there. You were abducted because of my choices. If I hadn’t done what I did to Boyle, or if I’d come clean to Whiting months ago, I wouldn’t have been in that cell when you were taken.”

The words bubbled out before he could stop them. He’d kept his pain private for so long, but the day had worn down his defenses. He felt raw and exposed and guilty that he’d let his feelings escape.

“I didn’t know,” Kensi looked stunned. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d been so afraid?”

“You had enough going on. I didn’t want to add one more thing.” He took a shaky breath, trying to steady himself. He wanted to be a rock for her and tonight he was failing. Just like he’d failed to protect her from Ferris. Just liked he’d failed to protect her from a crashing helicopter.

“Baby,” her face was so full of love and worry, “tell me now.”

It came pouring out. The ache that had lived inside him for months, the terror that gripped him every day. That it was agony to be away from her even as he tried to give her the space she needed to heal. He’d been shouldering his own burden along with hers and the weight was slowly crushing him to death. “I’m so sorry,” he finally told her, his eyes wet with tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry that I didn’t stop this from happening to you.”

“Deeks, this wasn’t your fault. None of it. Everything that happened was because of Hetty’s master plan. She would have found some way to take you out of the picture. Helicopters and Hetty remember?”

“Okay, fine, maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t there today. The thought of you with that psychopath, alone and scared…”

“I wasn’t scared.”

He met her eyes, surprised at the strength and calm he found there. “What?”

“I wasn’t scared of Ferris. I mean, I was a little freaked out when he started trying to take a saw to my leg. But, I wasn’t scared. All this time in rehab, I’ve been afraid I wouldn’t be able to come back, that I wouldn’t be good enough anymore. But as soon as Ferris put me in that chair…I knew I was going to be strong enough. Honestly, you guys showed up too early. Another fifteen minutes and I would have had him.”

“Really?” he asked incredulously.

She smiled at him and suddenly there she was. His Kensi, looking at him for the first time in months. “Really. I’m back, Deeks.”

He kissed her, his fingers tangling in her hair, even as he felt tears stinging his eyes. He hadn’t known if he would ever see her again, the Kensi he’d fallen in love with, but here she was, as if she’d never been gone. It was as if the sun had finally emerged after months of darkness.

“Okay,” she pulled away and reached for his hands, gripping them firmly. “Enough. We’re done with this. Done with keeping things from each other so nobody gets hurt, done with struggling, done with being afraid. I can’t do it anymore and neither can you.”

She’d surprised him again. “What uh, what do you want to do?” he asked in confusion.

“Let’s just…be all right. Let’s move on and leave all the helicopters and hospitals and double agents behind us. No matter what else is happening with the team or with Hetty, let’s just decide that we’re all right.”

The relief that swept over him was staggering. He felt free, like he could truly breathe for the first time in months. She was back. He was back. They were back. As awful as today had been, it had become the final push they needed to put their lives back in motion.

“We’re all right,” he spoke the words, believed them, a grin spreading across his face as she smiled back at him.

The nightmare was finally over.

#NCIS LA #NCIS Los Angeles #Densi #Marty Deeks #Kensi Blye #Payback #We're All Right #Fanfic #Writing #Belly of the Beast #Densi Fanfic #Fanfiction #So much work #This one about did me in #Yikes #Season 8 #Helicopters and Hetty

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thesammanthanicole · 4 years ago

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Holistic Living: What it is + How to Practice

Holistic living is a healthy & sustainable way of living a balanced lifestyle. It involves making intentional choices to care for our mind, body, and soul.

Taking a holistic approach to health involves seeing the BIGGER picture. It’s recognizing that the different parts of a person connect to a larger whole.

Over the past several months, I have been learning what it means to live holistically and caring for my mental health. There is a common misconception, however, that holistic living only involves using natural remedies. I’ve learned that a holistic lifestyle goes much deeper than that.

Holistic living is a mindset; it’s a way of life. It goes well beyond using plants for healing.

Disclaimer: I do not believe there is any ‘right’ way to live a holistic lifestyle. What works for me might not work for you. There are no strict rules. Like anything, take only what feels right to YOU! This is a judgment-free zone.

In this guide, we will go over everything you need to know to decide if holistic living is right for YOU!

What is it?

Holistic living means taking care of your entire self: mind, body, & soul. It’s being aware that each of these areas connect and influence one another.

For example, a chronically anxious person (oh hey!) may develop physical symptoms, like headaches or stomach aches. A certified holistic doctor, or therapist, will aim to treat not only the emotional issues, but the physical ones too. Treatment might include things like practicing deep breathing techniques, mindfulness, & journaling.

Another example is a person who struggles with depression (feeling attacked here). Rather than just focusing on the symptoms of depression, a holistic therapist may want to understand their family systems, relationships, and social issues that might be impacting their depression.

This is because, from the holistic perspective, it’s important to see the ‘big picture’ and understand that many factors can influence one another.

Another important aspect is being intentional with your thoughts, words, and action.

After all, your thoughts tend to dictate how you experience your entire world. Your thoughts impact your self-esteem, the way you interpret events, and, ultimately, your happiness!

Holistic living means being intentional in your life, starting with your thoughts. How do you speak to yourself? Are you kind and compassionate with yourself?

For me, living a holistic lifestyle means regularly incorporating things like:

- Self-care

- Self-awareness & mindfulness

- Healthy, sustainable habits

- Education & personal growth

Taking a holistic approach to healing is remembering to nurture every part of our self and our lives, because we know each part is connected and important.

What are the benefits?

Holistic living can have many benefits. Some of which include:

- Increased mental clarity, happiness, & energy.

- Decreased stress, anxiety, & overwhelm (okay, I’m feeling better now!)

- More self-awareness and alignment with the highest version of yourself

How do you live a holistic lifestyle?

Find healthy emotional outlets.

Whether it’s seeking out a therapist, playing a sport, or creating art, find a way to express your emotions. When we go through difficult things without a way to express it, it can get bottled up inside and cause us to get angry or, even, sick.

Music has always been so therapeutic for me and such a great outlet. Find what works for you and make time for it as much as possible.

Some other ideas that allow for emotional release:

- Journaling

- Writing

- Working out

- Singing

- Building something

- Making crafts

Be proactive in your growth.

In what ways can you learn, grow, and improve? What choices can you make to push past your comfort zone, take action, and strive towards your best self? For me, it is following my intuition and doing things in service of my growth, even if they are really scary and leave me feeling completely vulnerable.

Sometimes we have to push ourselves to leave our comfort zone and take that new job position, travel some place new, or speak in front of a crowd. Take those opportunities for personal & professional growth and development.

Practice mindfulness & meditation

I think an important part of holistic living is the ability to be present and aware in the ‘here and now’. That’s something I struggle with. I often find myself looking towards the future instead of being present in the moment.

But learning to practice mindfulness and meditation have made such a huge difference in my life.

Mindfulness helps bring awareness to the body, emotions, and thoughts. It helps me feel grounded, connected to the universe, and calm. I know it can be intimidating and difficult to start practicing meditation, but I encourage you to try out some guided meditations to start. (I LOVE the Insight Timer, but YouTube has some great ones too)

Continue to learn

Read books, listen to podcasts, take courses, and never stop learning. There is an unlimited number of ways to challenge your mind in order to grow and expand. Have conversations with people you don’t know very well and ask them questions about their life. I believe there is some much value and interest you can learn from everyone on this planet.

I believe it is so important to continue learning about ourselves and others.

Create healthy habits

Part of holistic living is creating healthy habits! Find habits that are both sustainable and enjoyable for you. Maybe it’s physical exercise in the form of hiking, a yoga class, or swimming. Or maybe it’s cooking and eating your favorite healthy foods.

It can be difficult to create healthy habits to stick to, which is why I love the power of a good routine. But it doesn’t have to be! Let me help you create and stick to habits that are sustainable for you and your family. Create a morning or bedtime routine that involves healthy habits like exercise, meditation, & relaxation. Having these habits scheduled into your routine makes them easier to continue.

Treat your body with natural, healthy foods & remedies

Since I’ve started embracing holistic living, I’ve started to be more intentional with the foods I’m eating and the household products I’m buy.

I try to eat more natural, whole foods in my diet. I also try to buy products like cleaning supplies, that use more natural ingredients and less chemicals. It’s crazy how many harmful chemicals you can find in everyday products. These chemicals can impact your body and emotions. So, when I can, I opt for natural foods and remedies.

Indulge in regular self-care

The more you get to know me the more you will learn, I am a huge advocate for self-care! Regular self-care is the best way to prevent burnout, stress, and exhaustion. A huge part of living a holistic lifestyle is listening to your body and treating it with love and respect. If your body needs a break, let it rest. If you need energy, go for a run. Do the things that help you feel your best!

Be intentional with your energy

Are you spending hours watching TV or scrolling on social media every day? Are you allowing small inconveniences to ruin your entire day? Are you getting stressed out about things you can’t control? Be aware of where you place your energy and where you give your attention.

Your time and energy are precious, and you shouldn’t waste it on things that don’t matter. So, do what feels most important to you and focus on those things.

A holistic lifestyle might mean different things to different people. There is not “right” way to live a holistic lifestyle. But at it’s core, holistic living is caring for your entire self; mind, body, emotions, & soul.

It’s being mindful of how the different parts of your life interact as a whole. It’s also being intentional about the choices you make every day.

I hope this beginners guide to holistic living was helpful for you. Feel free to leave a comment with any questions!

#holistic health #health and wellness #healthy #mindfulliving #meditation #mind body spirit

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