#very out of place/out of his time very repressed and very traumatized | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

anghraine · 1 month ago

Text

It's not really related to the other conversation I was having about it, but I was already thinking about "The Conscience of the King" again (as one does), and the particular significance of the Kirk-Riley plot.

When I was first watching it, I thought Riley was super doomed, and we'd end up with Kirk as the last survivor standing to up the stakes of his decision. So for me, Riley's survival was very unexpected and intriguing. Even now, I feel like Kirk and Riley both surviving, and how that survival is handled in the episode, are much more effective and compelling for the narrative than the expected story line. I think the handling of Riley's survival shifts the stakes and dangers around the finale in a way that is far more resonant for Kirk's characterization and for what "The Conscience of the King" is really about than killing off Riley would have ever been.

To begin with, Kirk initially has no idea that Kevin "I'll take you home again, Kathleen" Riley* is one of the other surviving eyewitnesses. This ignorance is actually quite believable to me, given that both Kirk and Riley were children at the time, with Riley the younger of the two. Even if Riley had happened to mention his last name while they were trying to avoid starving to death or getting murdered by their own government, it's not exactly hard to believe that thirteen-year-old newly-minted genocide survivor James Kirk had more on his mind than remembering the full names of eight other people. The episode does make it clear, at any rate, that Kirk doesn't remember most of the other eyewitnesses' names, and specifically, had no idea that his mostly-upstanding crewman Riley is one of the other kids from Tarsus IV.

(The only other survivor Kirk definitely knows is Dr. Tom Leighton; Kirk is good friends with Leighton and his wife Martha, but not close enough to know much about Leighton's professional life or reputation.)

It also seems like Kirk hasn't ever tried to find out who the other survivors were, or what became of them later, despite having easy means of doing so. Rather, he has preferred to accept the official account of Kodos's death and to distance himself from the past as much as possible.

For most of the years between the genocide and the five-year mission, it seems like he found more comfort in philosophies and books and starships than rooting himself in any specific place or persona. In fact, there's a lot of reason to think he pretty drastically overhauled his entire presentation of his personality at some point in his 20s, and throughout TOS, he adopts and sheds different personas with what seems like ease—there is a control and performativity about him coupled with deep philosophical convictions that makes a lot of sense for someone repeatedly subjected to unfathomably traumatic, depersonalizing atrocities. Regardless, Kirk wanted to believe Kodos really was dead, and nothing could be done, and the only way forward was repression putting it all behind him (while still able to remember Kodos's speech to those slated for death, word for word).

It's only when he has reason to ask the computer for a complete list of the surviving eyewitnesses that Kirk links Kevin from Tarsus IV to the Lieutenant Kevin Riley of his own crew. He promptly asks for confirmation that they're the same person and receives it, which changes everything.

At that point, Riley's physical safety becomes a significant and unique concern for Kirk, above and beyond his usual preoccupation with the welfare of his crew. He has Riley demoted and separated from his peers to protect him—without explaining his motives to anyone, including Riley himself. He doesn't even acknowledge to anyone else that he knows Riley is the other eyewitness.

Meanwhile, Kirk maneuvers his way into trapping the Karidian players on the Enterprise with no escape route, so he can pursue his investigation into the murders of the other eyewitnesses without any serious impediment. He has very good reason to believe one of the players is murdering the eyewitnesses, most likely Karidian himself, but Kirk wants to be very sure about identifying Karidian as Kodos before he pulls the jaws of his trap shut.

This is all very understandable, but we end up with a cold, scheming, almost detached Kirk who is privately struggling to navigate the complexity of the investigation, the weight of the accusation he may have to make (but with it, the opportunity for justice at last), and the danger surrounding the serial killing of the eyewitnesses. Trapping the Karidian players on the Enterprise—that is, trapping the murderer on the Enterprise—puts himself and his crew directly in harm's way, a choice he rarely ever makes outside of the mandates of the five-year mission.

In fact, one of Kirk's most absolutely consistent qualities throughout TOS is his intense concern for his crew and general prioritization of their welfare as far as the mission allows. But there are a few occasions when he's forced to react to some kind of monumental, horrific event that has directly touched his own life, and in those cases, he tends to get consumed in dealing with The Horror and acts in ways profoundly unlike his usual self.

This doesn't only happen in "The Conscience of the King," but it's most conspicuous there. Kirk admits that he doesn't even know if he's after justice or vengeance, and when he says of his conduct around the investigation, "I've done things I've never done before," we can easily believe it.

Throughout much of this investigation, Kirk doesn't really talk to McCoy, a good friend. Kirk is prickly and standoffish towards Spock (something he almost never is in TOS), and as mentioned above, he tries to protect Riley by demoting him back down into engineering to keep him out of physical danger. When Spock correctly points out that Riley is a good officer who will take this as a punishment, Kirk brusquely shuts him down, and it's not completely clear if this is deliberate misdirection or genuine if displaced anger. Maybe he's cutting himself off from the person closest to him rather than face the emotional stakes of the genocide and more recent murders, or maybe it's a still more calculated (and highly unusual) attempt to keep Spock at arm's length.

Neither motive is sustainable, though. Spock's interpretation is later justified by a brief scene focused on Riley. Another officer jokes over the intercom about what Riley did to fuck up, and Riley admits that he has no idea what he did wrong, but finds it lonely and depressing to be so alone. The other officer half-jokes that Riley's heart is sore, and Riley asks Uhura to sing over the intercom so he at least feels like he's "not the only living thing left in the universe." Hell of a sentence in this context.

So at this point, Kirk's fixation on purely concrete, physical threats has led him to functionally isolate both himself and Riley. The fact that he and Riley share such a horrific experience and are now the last direct eyewitnesses to it still alive, yet Kirk's approach to this whole thing leads to Riley feeling completely alone in the universe—probably not the first time Riley has felt that way! all things considered!—pretty clearly signals that there's something wrong with how Kirk is thinking about this and approaching it.

It's not wrong in the sense of being directly immoral. Kirk's desire to protect Riley is both righteous and sympathetic, and his fear that Riley is in danger is quickly justified. Kirk has every right to try and stop the murders of the eyewitnesses (even if he weren't one of them!), and he's definitely right to pursue the justice that they've been denied for 20 years. But that's not all that's happening. Kirk leans on his professional power to get away with this, he calls in past favors, he generally jeopardizes the entire career/reputation that defines his fundamental sense of himself as a person, as well as leaving Riley convinced that his own career is in jeopardy as well, all to get the moving parts of these schemes in order. And Kirk does all this without explaining anything to anyone, including the other person most concerned.

Like, his way of handling this is just profoundly unhealthy for both of them. There's a reason that Kirk vacillates between "I don't want to rashly accuse this man of atrocities against sentient life with my sterling reputation backing whatever I choose to say, unless I'm really super ultra sure" and "maybe just fucking murdering this monster on the spot will let the dead sleep at last."

He acts this way here for the same reason, I think, that his response to Tom Leighton identifying Karidian as Kodos and desperately reaching out to him ("Jim, four thousand people were butchered ... Jim, Jim, I need your help") is indignant denial and effectively running away, yet he also can't resist the impulse to pick up the investigation anyway.

Kirk promptly starts researching the major figures involved via the powerful computers on the Enterprise; he reverses his decision to turn his back on Leighton and beams back down to join Leighton's cocktail party, seizing his chance to observe the Karidian players; with Karidian himself out of sight, Kirk zeroes in on Karidian's nineteen-year-old daughter Lenore as the obvious weak link and begins one of his most purely cold-blooded flirtations in the show, quietly maneuvering and/or extracting information every time they interact—and he initiates all of this before Leighton is murdered. And we'll see that vacillation repeat at varying points throughout the episode. Again and again, Kirk will resist truly engaging with the enormity of the genocide's legacy for him and others, but at the same time, we find him so clearly unable to move on, constantly shifting between avoidant uncertainty and this calculating, inexorable pursuit of justice/vengeance.

He's not the only one stuck, either. From almost the earliest moments of the episode, we see that Tom Leighton has built a successful career and loving marriage over the last 20 years, yet after his murder, his widow confides in Kirk that Leighton never really found peace. The rest of the episode makes it evident that this is equally true of Kirk himself. He has been very successful in his profession, like Leighton. He has built close relationships, most importantly with Spock, who has an intimate enough understanding of him to recognize the signs of danger and figure him out, like Martha. And like Leighton, Kirk has never found peace (something confirmed again as late as S3). And I would argue that in the end, it seems that Riley, too, has never really found peace.

Speaking of Spock! As all of this is unwinding, we repeatedly cut to Spock picking up on Kirk's dodgy behavior and investigating him. McCoy is reluctant to connect Kirk's ostensible interest in Lenore Karidian to the unexplained demotion of Riley or to whatever happened with Leighton—he really wants "Lenore is hot" to be the only explanation. But to Spock, all these disparate oddities are plainly related, and it frustrates him that McCoy refuses to see that or ally with him in breaking through to Kirk somehow.

Spock also correctly guesses that Kirk's pursuit of Lenore is actually about her father, even before discovering the genocide. When he searches for some underlying connection between Kirk's odd behaviors, he looks for common history between Riley, Kirk, Leighton, and Anton Karidian. At any rate, to Spock's analytical mind, the demotion of Riley is obviously part of the puzzle and obviously important. Of course, the Venn diagram of red flags that only Spock sees leads him to discover the actual common history no one is talking about.

It's this silence and isolation that ultimately makes Riley vulnerable to Lenore's murder attempt. The fact that he was lonely, and kept the intercom on to listen to Uhura sing and talk to his friends, is the only reason he survived Lenore poisoning him. He was able to call for help in time because he'd already reached out to other people. And it's in the wake of Riley's near-death that Spock is finally able to browbeat McCoy into (sort of) backing him in getting through to Kirk, their mutual friend, even if they relate to him in different ways. Spock's sharp question to Kirk just cuts through all the silence and scheming and bluster:

Why do you invite death?

This forces Kirk into an honest conversation about his plans and motives and what's going on with him. He's actually ambivalent until McCoy suggests letting it go, even if Karidian is Kodos—an option Kirk and Spock both sharply reject throughout the episode, but especially here:

MCCOY: What if you decide he is Kodos? What then? Do you play God, carry his head through the corridors in triumph? That won't bring back the dead, Jim. KIRK: No, but they may rest easier.

Apart from McCoy's struggle, the main implication here is that Kirk is considering not just a formal accusation against Karidian vs holding back due to insufficient evidence, but the third possibility of just straight-up murdering him. This would destroy Kirk's life as he knows it, of course, but he's at least considering that it may be the only way to make things right.

That choice wouldn't make him another Kodos by any stretch of the imagination, but it would reduce his existence to something entirely shaped by Kodos, by the genocide, by the genocide-apologia murders—by people who repeatedly suggest he's subhuman. Kirk has spent two decades crafting a life and personhood that isn't defined by what was done to him and Riley and Leighton and thousands of others, and he's on the edge of torching it all.

I think this is the real fundamental tension of "The Conscience of the King." The whodunnit of "Karidian is Kodos, but the murderer is Lenore" is far less central and compelling than what psychological path Kirk is going to take. He might choose pathological caution, demanding an impossible level of certainty that will let him avoid making the call and keep running; he might choose justice, making the accusation that all evidence in front of him as well as his own memory tells him is true, putting himself through reliving it as the older surviving eyewitness, but also living to see Kodos held accountable; he might choose vengeance, murdering a now-unarmed, elderly war criminal on the spot even if it means losing everything else that matters to him.

He's still hovering between those options as McCoy leaves the dispute. Spock, however, stubbornly stays with Kirk and keeps pushing. Because of that, Spock hears the hidden overloaded phaser that would have taken out the whole deck. That's what gives them enough time to evacuate the deck and safely dispose of the phaser. If Spock had noped out and gone back to the bridge or science labs, Kirk would have died. But Spock cares too much about Kirk and understands him too well to do that. Kirk survives because of his relationship with Spock.

It's the nearly-realized threat to Kirk's crew combined with the murder attempt against Riley that angers Kirk enough to abandon his schemes and just confront Karidian directly. The implication that Kirk is considering murder becomes explicit:

KARIDIAN: Blood thins. The body fails. One is finally grateful for a failing memory. I no longer treasure life, not even my own. I am tired! And the past is a blank. Did you get everything you wanted, Captain Kirk? KIRK: If I had gotten everything I wanted, you might not walk out of this room alive.

While all this is going down in Karidian's quarters, Riley has recovered in Sickbay from the poisoning. He happens to overhear McCoy's medical log mention that the motive for poisoning may be the possibility that Karidian is Kodos.

Riley, younger and more straightforward and impetuous, isn't afflicted by Kirk's indecision. He slips out, steals a phaser, and sneaks backstage to the Karidian players' performance, hearing enough of Karidian's speech to recognize him as Kodos and try to avenge his family. But as soon as Kirk receives reports about Riley's disappearance and the theft of the phaser, he knows what Riley has set out to do—the very thing he's been considering.

He orders Riley found and restrained, but seems to know this won't succeed, and rushes to the theatre himself. At this point, the stakes of the Kirk-Riley drama crystallize. Kirk's fixation on Riley's physical safety has always been short-sighted. The deliberate isolation of either himself or Riley has been a mistake from the beginning. The greatest danger to both Kirk and Riley has always been that either of them might self-destruct and assassinate Kodos, closing off the possibility of moving past him and what he did to them. Their lives would never be free of him.

Erin Horáková's famous "Kirk Drift" essay argues that the person most wholly defined by Kodos and the genocide at Tarsus IV is ultimately Lenore Karidian. Obviously, Kirk and Riley are in no danger of becoming the next generation of space Nazi genocide apologists. But they are in danger of their fundamental, autonomous, full personhoods—personhoods explicitly placed into doubt by both Kodos and Lenore—becoming reduced to monuments to Kodos, as Lenore's is. And I think that's a very fair reading.

The solution isn't for Kirk or Riley to kill him, nor for either to detach himself from the full horror of what happened. It's for Kirk to save Riley by personally finding and stopping him from reducing his life that way. I'm not sure anyone else alive could have gotten Riley to back down, nor that Kirk could have if they weren't finally in the same physical space. And I think the point at which Kirk stops Riley is the point at which we feel certain that Kirk isn't going to go down that path, either. It was for me, anyway!

I think it's also significant that the backstage conversation between Kirk and Riley is what triggers Kodos's attempt to confess to Lenore and express any kind of remorse for what he did. Like so many other like him, he thought he could unleash atrocities in his official capacity and then switch it off and have a normal family life, with an impermeable wall erected between the atrocities and his supposedly pure and innocent loved ones. But that was never going to happen, and Kodos is forced to face the reality that everything he touched was going to be tainted. Taking the shot intended for Kirk isn't redemptive; it's his only way out.

And that ultimate confrontation only happens because Kirk finally understood that protecting Riley meant more than keeping him alive.

-----------------

*Yes, I know this role was not originally written for that Riley. Irrelevant to the end result!

#me: this will just be a quick post about how it seems significant #that kirk and riley both seriously consider just murdering kodos and kirk goes from isolating riley and himself #because he can only understand saving riley in terms of physical safety - and isolation nearly gets riley and himself killed -#to saving riley by keeping him from doing what he himself is deeply tempted to do. and saving riley (for real in person) saves himself #i thought i'd write maybe three paragraphs in a morning #hahahaha. ha.#anghraine babbles #long post #star peace #james t kirk #kevin riley #spock #kodos #lenore karidian #star trek: the original series #anghraine's meta #tos: s1 #tos: the conscience of the king #cw genocide #thomas leighton #c: who do i have to be #also though this is much more of a kirk episode it's interesting that this is such a good spock episode.#he's ethically instinctively and factually right about EVERYTHING at every turn

51 notes · View notes

l-in-the-light · 7 months ago

Text

The Otherworlds merging... or is it something else? (spoilers for Silent Hill 2!)

Remember when James said this line to Eddie? Kinda ironic, considering the scene below...

Remember what he did just before he killed Mary? He tucked her in bed, kissed her goodnight (on the forehead), and then stared into her eyes for a good moment... turned his eyes away, then back again to hers, and he snapped immediately after.

"You can't just kill someone cause of the way they looked at you..."

"You see it too? For me, it's always like this"

Why is James able to feel the heat of Angela's Otherworld and the coldness of Eddie's? Why is he fighting Angela's monster? Why does Angela mistake him for her mother?

I don't think their Otherworlds are merging just because they have spend a lot of time with each other (they really didn't, it was like three meetings each in the original). They definitely couldn't have bonded to the point that James can understand Angela's pain and see her trauma personified.

Nobody can understand another person's pain and suffering, we're all different people with different experiences. Understanding that is the first step towards showing true empathy for someone.

If Abstract Daddy/Ideal Father looks the way he looks because we see him through James's eyes and through his life experiences/trauma, then why is it also Angela's monster and why are we fighting it? Does it suggest that James and Angela share similar (but not the same, it can never be the same) experiences in this particular case? Does James have traumatic memories related to his own father, Frank Sunderland?

Of course James also just wants to help Angela, to save her. James seems to have a saviour complex, which might be the result of Mary's illness (he wanted to save her but couldn't, because the disease was untreatable and fatal, there was no way to cure Mary and he could only watch her dying. He failed her).

But there's another side to this, if we consider that Silent Hill is a reflection of character's own personal traumas and creatures might represent personal triggers...

"Even my mama said it. I deserved what happened"

"You fat, disgusting piece of shit! You make me sick!"

"Well, what are you looking at? Get the hell out of here!" / "I was so angry, I struck out at everyone I loved. Especially you"

Angela, Eddie and James. They all share one theme in common in those lines above: being on the receiving end of emotional/verbal abuse.

When we look at the design of James's monsters, they share something in common: emphasis on the mouth area. Lying Figures early design had a very distinguishable mouth, the final design instead sprays "vomit" on you, which is said to represent Mary lashing out verbally at James. Bubble Head Nurse has a red square covering her mouth, like to seal it shut. Flesh Lips is the boss that is a lump of flesh with detailed pair of lips. Abstract Daddy actually follows this design trope as well.

It's James's monster, it represents him suffocating Mary, the memory he repressed. The monster wouldn't look this way if it was Angela's. Abstract Daddy doesn't represent what you think it does! It would look completely different if we saw it through Angela's eyes and it would look most likely like her father, not two people having intercourse on a bed. In other words, it was never depicting intercourse. It's supposed to be surreal representation, not *literal*, and if you think it's intercourse then you're going for the most literal interpretation ever, not symbolic. The "James suffocating Mary" might not even be the final interpretation of it either.

Why did they all met in Silent Hill in the first place?

Angela wanted someone to save her but also wanted to find her mom, Eddie had enough of the abuse but was a coward, they don't seem to have much in common, besides this: they both experienced lifelong abuse, lasting ever since their childhood, and at least big part of it was emotional/verbal abuse. If the story in Silent Hill 2 is told through parallels, then it suggests Mary wasn't the first time James experienced abuse either.

It makes sense. That's the reason why he couldn't bring himself to visit Mary in the hospital. She lashed out at him, it triggered him, but he didn't understand why he's reacting like that, why he has such a hard time going back to visit her, why he starts to hate her. Finally, he succumbed to alcohol to deal with the anxiety of resurfacing past trauma. Eddie btw did a similar thing, but he was overeating instead to deal with his triggers. Food calmed him down, even though it also made him gain weight and caused the bullying to intensify (most likely).

James forgot what he did to Mary. He shows signs of dissociating in many moments of the game (especially in the remake, like when he first cries after Maria died and then leaves her behind emotionlessly). His behaviour fits behaviour of someone used to being verbally abused as well: his quiet withdrawn behaviour, him shutting up immediately after someone lashes out at him (for example when Eddie screamed at him), never defending himself (Angela calling him names and he was just standing there quietly). James seems to remind Angela of her mother. In a family with history of abuse it rarely affects only one person. Her father was probably abusive towards the mother as well and if he lashed out at her often, she was probably a very withdrawn person, never defending herself, speaking in low quiet voice etc. This might be exactly the part which reminded Angela of her mother when she saw James, because that's how he always behaves as well.

He thought Mary died three years ago, because that's when Mary's disease started, and with it the verbal abuse as well. Maybe it wasn't even his first blackout experience either. When Laura locks him in the room, he has a really strong reaction, even begs her to let him out (despite not wanting to beg at first), and after Flesh Lips fight we have this weird sequence of staring at the ceilling, hallucinating Mary's voice, and James wakes up in a completely different place, doesn't know how he got out of that locked room. My guess is that was yet another of his dissociative blackouts.

You didn't want her around anymore. Admit it!

No...

You probably found someone else!

NO!

(this is literally the only moment in the game in which James assertively stands up for himself. Through the rest of the story he simply lets Maria, Laura and Eddie trashtalk him)

I wanted you out of the way. The truth is, I hated you *shakes head*. I wanted my life back.

If that's true...

Despite saying it so clearly before that he wouldn't want Mary out of his life and searching so desperately for her (I just want Mary back, I can't go on without you anymore), at the end he admits Angela was right... or was she? She didn't actually know him much. Mary, on the other hand, knew him probably the best in the world, and she claimed that what he said is not true. But if it's not true then why did James say that?

That's because he doesn't understand why he did what he did. He killed her most likely while experiencing a blackout or he snapped after reaching his breaking point, while triggered, and only later experienced a blackout. The only thing he remembers is the feelings he felt for Mary after she lashed out at him (hatred, helplessness, self-loathing), which weren't his feelings for Mary, but his reaction to the verbal abuse he experienced. But he couldn't seperate the past traumatic event from the trigger he was experiencing in the present. Vivid flashbacks and feeling like re-living a past trauma in the present moment are all signs of PTSD. As the result, a person might avoid meeting other people or situations that can even remotely remind them of their traumatic experience. Sounds like James avoiding to visit Mary in the hospital, to me. He of course didn't understand why he is behaving like that or why he feels so overwhelmed, so he ended up blaming himself and thought he is a bad partner as the result, as many people suffering from PTSD would, even though what they're going through isn't their fault.

I'm not saying that what James did was good (it definitely wasn't, and that's not the point I was trying to make at all). I'm just trying to point out that James shows signs of PTSD, just like Angela and Eddie do as well (is it a good depiction of PTSD? Definitely not perfect, but not too bad either. Could be better without the murder plotline). Silent Hill 2's story at the heart of it is actually a tragedy, not a murder story.

I wish we could know more about James and his past...

#silent hill 2 #silent hill 2 remake #james sunderland #trauma #ptsd #angela orosco #eddie dombrowski #it's been sitting in my head for a while #my tumblr is One Piece only but I'm making an exception #Silent Hill 2 is my favourite game after all #major spoilers for the game duh!#the actual reason for what James did #parallels in the story

108 notes · View notes

alazystranger · 1 year ago

Note

zolu fic recommendations? (i can take reading angst now)

Ooh, this is going to be bit of a long post. i have tried to include a mix of both angsty and otherwise.

*cracks knuckles* alright let's get down to it! I have included the summaries as given by the authors below the link.

let thy sword be thy tongue by queerweather. A personal favorite! I go back to this one a lot.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and Zoro is not afraid of Luffy handling his swords; Zoro is afraid of how Luffy handling his swords might unravel him.

Love you by willoffire123. Both angsty and sweet! Kind of like my comfort fic

When Luffy goes overboard one night during a winter storm, Zoro dives after him and the two are separated from their ship. Stranded on a winter island, slowly freezing to death, Luffy and Zoro come to realize their long dormant feelings for each other. Can they say their love in two words or less? Or will the winter island take their lives before they get the chance?

Loyal Till Death Do Us Part by StygianHeart. You said you can take angst now, anon? *cackles maniacally* this one has it all- whump luffy, traumatized zoro and what not. It has 13 chapters and it's absolutely worth it

Roronoa Zoro knows he’s loyal to a fault. And maybe that loyalty is only for his Captain and Crew. But realizing his loyalty for Luffy is also something more, something more personal and emotional, was not what Zoro wanted. And he definitely didn’t want the voices in his head to get so loud. But hey, we never get what we want, do we? In which Zoro figures out he’s in love with his captain and is in great denial, all while struggling through emotional repression and a bunch of shit he doesn’t deserve. Go figures.

running just to keep my hands on you by nevermordor. another fic i love to read again and again.

The thing they do is kind of like a game, because Luffy likes games, but it’s also kind of a competition because Zoro can’t not turn anything and everything into a competition. It doesn’t have a name and there are only two rules, because more than two would just be making things boring and overcomplicated. 1. Whoever takes out the most guys in a fight is the winner 2. Whoever is the loser has to do whatever the winner says “Why’s it gotta be a whole game and stuff," Luffy says. "That’s gonna take too long.” “It makes sex more fun," Zoro explains. "You gotta win it, you gotta earn it. Like anything good in life. Like pirate king or greatest swordsman.” Luffy considers this.

A gamble on love by SnailorBee. short and fluffy. had me grinning like an idiot. perfect fic to recover from the angsty ones.

Pre-Time Skip! "We have a bet amongst the crew, minus Chopper. You want in?" "A bet?" Brook repeated, mystified. "About what?" "If those two idiots are dating or not." Nami jerked her chin in the direction of the nap pile behind him. Strawhats and their bets about Luffy and Zoro.

To cut your teeth on love by freckledshoulderblades. basically a series of snippets from their first meeting to just after timeskip but full of zolu feels.

Zoro meets Luffy and gives himself over wholeheartedly the instant Wadō is placed between his teeth again. Luffy meets Zoro and decides in a heartbeat that Zoro is his.

poly philtatos(the most loved by far) by swordsmans. another personal favorite!

He keeps moving forward at a steady pace, resisting the urge to run because how fucking embarrassing would that be, running because he missed them, and as he breaks through the treeline he shouts, “Oi, oi—what took you guys so long? It's been—” And then he freezes, because yes, actually—something is very, very wrong. The Sunny is anchored just off shore, close enough to see the deck but far enough away that the crew has had to take the Mini Merry to make land. Scattered across the beach in various stages of chaos—rolling around, yelling, fighting—are his crew but not his crew, so similar and yet so, so different. They look younger, fresher, and whatthefuck there, on the deck of the Sunny just peering over the railing, he catches a flash of green—his own green hair— “Ah, fuck,” he grunts, and then immediately turns back around because no, actually, he does not want to deal with this.

These are a few of my picks. if you want more/shorter fics/if you were looking for something else, don't hesitate to send me another ask!

#zolu fic recs #zolu fanfic #these fics are really so precious to me it's insane #my second ask yay #zolu

252 notes · View notes

haine-kleine · 11 months ago

Text

Taking a break from doomposting to once again ponder the meaning of the chapter from a storytelling point of view. It fails to complete any storyline point previously established. Ochako is still repressing her survivor's guilt and covering it up with fake sweet smiles. Deku and Ochako don't really reach any understanding nor comfort each other after this traumatic experience: Ochako still blames herself for Himiko's death, Izuku has seemingly moved on from Shigaraki's death using it as a learning example on his way forward. The party is random and the cheer is forced. Eri mutilating herself with the help of an adult hero goes unaddressed. The old lady is the only character exhibiting any development but it falls flat because we don't have much reason to care about the character who is not Tenko that she saves. It was Shigaraki who needed saving and didn't get it.

The one thing this chapter achieves is destroying any hope the readers had left. The next chapter is not necessary, judging by how meaningless most of the epilogue chapters have been so far.

But looking at this from another angle, the one thing Horikoshi can do, after killing the remaining embers of our hope, is subvert our expectations.

The only logical conclusion from the nameless boy looking so much like Tenko was obvious, but his appearance had very awkward timing if all the purpose this character has is to show the positive changes in society. He would have fit in the framing of chapter 427, which was focused on the society's opinion about Shigaraki Tomura and how they perceive him. It talks repeatedly about the collective fear of the next Shigaraki resurging and what preventive measures they can take. The old lady, whose character purpose was to not save Tenko, even appears in that chapter! If the positive change was the intended message, why cut her narrative into awkward parts and squeeze the second one in place of Ochako's supposed resolution? And once again, why show the boy so early? He appeared in the chapter that started slowly revealing the fates of the villains, and his appearance was immediately followed by Touya's. The logical connection is obvious. Teasing that not-Tenko character to leave the audience guessing for a month, seems like a red herring, and if the nameless boy being saved by a person who could have saged Tenko and didn't, is just there to fool our expectations, it's an unnecessarily cruel move from the author. He knew what he was doing. Despite his death, the epilogue heavily focuses on Shigaraki Tomura and various people's opinions on whether or not he deserved to be saved. Horikoshi killing him and saving a new barely introduced character in his place seems like a negative answer from the author himself.

Then, again

Shigaraki's death, despite being confirmed by the characters, was not actually shown on screen, with Kurogiri being conveniently close by, very motivated to save him.

So what if the not-Tenko boy is indeed a red herring, whose purpose is to fool the audience for one last time?

Here are some random ideas how this can work:

• not-Tenko is actually Tenko, his memory is just fucked up. The boy's backstory is about being kept imprisoned by his family in the house against his will. Well isn't that awfully convenient, cause you know who else hated being in his house

• Tenko is not the new boy, but he is alive, out there somewhere. Healing, being taken care of by Kurogiri, possibly trying learn using his new quirk. Watching his name being dragged through the mud on the news everyday.

• Tenko reconstructed himself back from the dust wrong, as it was his first time using the new quirk. Maybe he had accidentally merged himself with Kurogiri. Maybe non-Tenko's memories that he shares are his damaged consciousness' rendition of Tenko's actual backstory. Maybe he decided to leave Japan forever and fucked off to America, who even knows, the author clearly doesn't so go wild with your imaginations

#no longer bnha critical now bnha tinfoiling #this isn't really a theory as much as a stream of conscious #don't have any faith left in the author #lemme write it for you #bnha spoilers #bnha 429 #shigaraki tomura

68 notes · View notes

bouquetface · 3 months ago

Note

Can you do marriage prediticon for Pete Davidson? his birth time is 5:23 PM. Its confirmed by his mum from memory.

Keep in mind: BT from memory, leaves a lot of room for error because it could be misremembered.

Pete Davidson - Vedic Predictions

Past Life/Karmic connection to his Marriage:

If you believe in past lives, Pete’s chart indicates he is marrying a past life enemy.

Rahu conjunct Mars in 7th H, Venus conjunct Mercury (w/ mercury holding the lower degree) in 6th H, suggests in a past life he was friends with his spouse. However, a betrayal took place, thus they became enemies. The betrayal likely is in regard to money/resources and potentially business matters. A grudge was held throughout their entire lives. In this life, they come together to clear this past life karma.

Due to Mars being in 7th house, it is likely in the past life, Pete betrayed his friend. In this life, his spouse will harbour repressed anger from the past life betrayal. Gradually into the relationship/marriage, Pete may find his partner is somewhat entitled and aggressive in taking what she feels belongs to her. This can be tied to the past life where she was likely cheated out of what was rightfully hers. This does not mean he has to accept this behaviour. They will have to work together to resolve and clear the karma.

Spouse Personality:

She likely has status and a strong public image. She will be devoted to her work. She does financially well.

She is clever and creative with her words/communication. She may be witty. She has a youthful personality - she is open and curious in trying and accepting non-traditional ways of thinking and living.

However, she is stubborn on her views. She would fight and defend the things she believes in and the people she cares about. She is a bold personality.

She can be laid-back and care free on some things. However, she has a deeply intense side. She can be chatty and sociable one day then quiet & withdrawn the next.

She is likely business-minded. She can encourage Pete in business/career. She can be somewhat controlling as her suggestions/encouragements may sound like demands.

She will be an independent personality. She’ll be assertive and protective. This will likely make Pete feel secure.

She is a determined and tough personality. She may have experienced a traumatic event in her past. She has a chip on her shoulder from dealing with difficult people and events. This has led her to develop thick skin. She does not let her guard down easily.

You may notice her personality is all over the place - she is open minded but stubborn, she is open but somewhat controlling, she is carefree and tense - This is because she is a moody person. Although, it could also be due to him having multiple serious relationships with women of very different personalities throughout his life.

She can be one way and then suddenly + impulsively she becomes eccentric. She can be flaky. This change may not occur until much later into the relationship/marriage.

Spouse Appearance:

Pale to light skin complexion for her ethnicity. Short to medium/average in height.

She may have a cut or scar on her body. For example: She gets or has gotten cosmetic surgery, required surgery or a c-section scar. And/or it can be simple as childhood scar, occasional or past struggles with acne, or a burn.

Spouse Meeting:

She may have take a far journey to reach this destination. Although, she is not knowingly coming to this place for him. For example: She was born in a different country or state but she travels to this location for work/career.

Spouse Family:

She may be the youngest sibling. The family is likely initially accepting and welcoming of Pete. Her family may include religious and well-educated or cultured people.

Some of her family members may be able to advise Pete in ways that improve his financial and social standing.

The spouse will be given property by a family member. This can be inheritance or with the help of a family member she obtains property. This property may be far from either her or Pete’s birthplace.

Married Life:

Prior to marriage, there will be a clashing between the spouse and Pete’s mother. This will not be a major issue, it can even be an issue that occurs in secret due to scorpio’s influence.

For example (not the exact outcome): The spouse and Pete’s mom’s egos clash on a small matter. A passive aggressive comment can be made. Or a flicker of annoyance in facial expression. Either way, Pete will be able to pick up on the tension between them even though it will be fleeting.

Through marriage, Pete gains another property and status/popularity in a new group. She will encourage Pete directly or indirectly to become career-orientated.

After marriage, the spouse undergoes transformation. This could be due to a traumatic event like a health issue arises for her or a loved one.

Divorce Potential: Truthfully, he is very likely to separate from his partner. In married life, he may gradually begin to feel the spouse/marriage brings unnecessary obstacles and stress to him. He may experience a very difficult time in court.

The reputation of the marriage likely starts out strong. People may feel they are an odd but fitting couple. Eventually one of them will try to destroy the other. This can be simple as telling mutual friends how bad the other treated them. Due to Rahu’s influence in the D9, a lot of information is likely to be exaggerated.

Marriage Timing/Dasha Period:

Moon/Sun - June 2030-Dec 2030

Mars/Mars - Dec 2030-May 2031

Mars/Rahu - May 2031-May 2032

Sun, Mars and Rahu are all in his 7th house. These are prominent periods for his relationships. I did not check his SR, however, my guess would be married in Moon/Sun. And then dealing with the karmas of marriage in the following periods.

#astrology #pete davidson birth chart #pete davidson #astrology observations #vedic astro observations

20 notes · View notes

dark-lord-of-awesomeness · 4 months ago

Note

For your thirty years cat Stan chapter, after thirty years would Stan just, y’know, prefer being a cat? Like, would he spend more time in cat form, or just feel a little uncomfortable as a human? I can imagine being human comes with a lot of different expectations and anxieties that it would make sense that Stan would just, not wanna deal with it, lol.

Or, like, if we wanna get angsty about it. Stan spent thirty years as a cat, creating and maintaining human relationships must be very hard after that. And even before he was turned into a cat, he wasn’t very good at it and was incredibly self destructive.

Or being human comes with social expectations and rules and all this stuff Stan was never good at in the first place. Now having to live by them again so suddenly must be anxiety inducing. In a way, being a cat freed Stan from a life he felt he was failing at anyway.

Being turned back into a person, with person expectations, would be rather traumatizing I imagine. Especially when he’s been dehumanized by others and, at least subconsciously, dehumanized by himself as well.

Plus, Stan has been dead to everyone else for years at this point and I imagine that Ford wouldn’t talk about him too much seeing as he’s emotionally repressed as hell. So Stan feeling insecure about whether or not he’s still lovable as a person would def be interesting.

Idk, I just wanna rotate this man around in my head, y’know? Sorry that this is so long😔

Stan definitely prefers to be a cat now. He was a cat for about as long as he'd been a human, and now all his human habits and conversation skills are toast. He blurts out whatever he's thinking constantly, tries to do all the same things he did as a cat, and doesn't know how to talk to people anymore.

And he doesn't know how to talk about any of it, so it becomes frustrating for everyone else when he's given the option to be human, and he doesn't.

Ford has talked about Stan occasionally, in a very bittersweet way, but Stan's still not actually sure he wants Stan around. It's one thing talking about your brother you think is dead, another to actually have that brother around. What if Ford didn't actually miss him? What of he's angry about Stan lying for so long? What if all the affection was just Fords guilt?

The moment Stan can, he def tries to run away, at least a few times. He doesn't know how to handle everything happening, and Fords obviously going to kick him out when the kids leave. Ford is not doing that. Ford is freaking out because he can't find Stan. He can't lose the brother he just found!

It's a very stressful time for everyone.

16 notes · View notes

brinamerilis · 12 days ago

Text

Delphine and Esbern's Sky Haven dialogues: four conversations, two people who care about each other so much and also can't stop kicking each other in the bruise.

Kind of a "See Jane run" meta, I wanted to do some commentary for each conversation but I'm not bringing any specific questions or veering into interpretation in the transformative sense. Having poked around as much as feasible without hitting my threshold for "Here is my fantasy about violently murdering Delphine" on a regular basis, there isn't much Delphine and Esbern out there! Delphine hate aside, it's not like these two are Destiel with once-overs of every scene floating around. I wanted to dig into a read and perhaps! tempt and enable other people into more in-depth meta. :}

DialogueSkyHavenTempleConversation01

Esbern: The architecture of this temple is marvelous. Have you ever seen stonework like this, Delphine?

Delphine: I'm not a scholar, Esbern. How many times do I have to tell you?

Esbern: Nonsense. Is a child who learns to read "not a scholar" of literature? Is a smith's apprentice "not a scholar" of blacksmithing?

Delphine: Well, I'm "not a scholar" of architecture. And that's that.

This dialogue is essentially banter! It's in line with the way these two banter after they're first reunited, and it's a continuation of their banter during their arrival at the temple, when Delphine is calling Esbern a dweeb nerd geek again and he's teasing her back about how she could learn something about their history if she paid attention the stonework. The painful parts are buried inside the words: Esbern wishing he had people to talk to about architecture, and Delphine knowing she is not that and knowing she is not a person who is able to stop and smell the architecture right now.

They both have to be - painfully not be - "the rest of the Blades" to each other. Here they're dealing with that by turning it into banter, and the painful sharp edges under the surface of their personalities are not surfacing.

DialogueSkyHavenTempleConversation02

Delphine: Do you ever think about them, Esbern? The others?

Esbern: The other Blades? No. Best not to think what the Thalmor do to their victims, my dear.

Delphine: You're right. Sorry to bring it up.

Now the devastating stuff. Despite several quests' worth of Delphine's traumatic grief being right at the surface of everything she does, this is the first time she explicitly brings up the other Blades, at a time in a place and with a person she might be able to talk to about them. Esbern's reaction is, of course, not evil; not thinking about his own traumatic grief is how he deals with what happened. Foreclosing the conversation and advising Delphine to not think about the others is awful to her, but it's a reaction deeply understandable in all of its awfulness and repression and vulnerability.

As badly as Delphine's attempt turns out (it ends with her apologizing to him! for bringing it up!), their care for each other is really visible here. Delphine's care shows in her trust in starting the conversation, and her immediate willingness to not push back when Esbern shuts it down. The way she tells him he's right as she apologizes feels like it's fueled by the kind of implicit shame someone would feel at bringing this up, but it is also in a very real way a willingness to avoid talking about something Esbern doesn't want to talk about and not externalize her pain the way they do when they're snipping at each other. Esbern is doing the stereotypical older person thing of deciding what is "best" for everyone based on what feels good and bad to him, but since he believes it, he is in a very real way trying to steer Delphine away from thinking about something he can only imagine causing her more pain.

DialogueSkyHavenTempleConversation03

Esbern: I've been writing some notes about all the Akaviri designs we've discovered. If only the Imperial Library could see my research.

Delphine: Esbern, if the Empire could even acknowledge the Blades existence, we'd all have reason to celebrate.

Esbern: Now, now my dear. I'm talking about academia, not politics.

Delphine: There's a difference?

Another banter dialogue, but more actual discussion, less saying stuff recreationally to entertain each other. ("Now now, my dear" is also a starring example of Esbern veering from "He and Delphine are close, he's older, it makes sense for him to talk to her like that, okay sure" to "Okay Esbern you are taking the paternalistic thing too far," but we'll dig into that for Conversation04.)

Esbern is a scholar. After years in hiding with barely any opportunity for study and a constant dread of the end of the world, the miraculous appearance of a Dragonborn gave him hope the world won't end, and suddenly he has this opportunity for research about something he loves. It aches for him to have this and not be able to share it with other scholars. Meanwhile Delphine is like, the meme of the asteroid heading for earth and the dinosaur saying oh shit the economy - she's cut off from the Empire that she sees as the Blades' legacy and standing in a temple their dead colleagues will never see with the Dragon Crisis overhead and the next war with the Thalmor on the horizon, and Esbern is going oh shit the lack of peer review.

It's also intriguing to think about the differences in the "Empire" Delphine and Esbern are pining for here. Neither of them were alive two hundred years ago when the Blades last answered to the Empire and its final Dragonborn emperor. But Delphine, in her twenties when the Great War ended, experienced the Blades only as a group that at one point in their glorious past had been part and parcel with the Empire - her empire nostalgia in the present is running off pure secondhand nostalgia, Talos worship, and her own authoritarian tendencies (wouldn't it be great if a powerful Dragonborn could fix things?).

Even though Esbern is only a couple decades older, if he joined up as a young man he spent 2+ decades as a Blade before the Great War began in his forties. It's implied several times that before the Great War the Blades and the Empire were still a little intertwined. When Esbern talks about the Imperial Library, he's probably picturing buildings and people he visited in person in his 2+ decades as a Blades archivist. He has fond soft-focus scholar memories of a specific Imperial institution that was, to him, the center of the academic world of Nirn - it's telling that when he voices his yearning to share the Akaviri architectural record of Sky Haven he doesn't think about contribution to scholarship in general, or Akaviri academic institutions, but the Imperial Library. For him it's the library, the one he'd obviously be submitting his research to if he could.

DialogueSkyHavenTempleConversation04

Esbern: I've been chronicling the recent history of the Blades. What would you like your entry to say?

Delphine: "I survived"?

Esbern: Come now. You did more than just survive all those years. Your evasion of the Thalmor would be useful for future Blades to study.

Delphine: What? Your heroic tale of locking yourself in the Ratway for years isn't enough?

Damn. Understandable that Esbern hears a rebuttal with a lot of pain and keeps pushing for something he thinks will make Delphine feel better; understandable that when he keeps pushing despite Delphine's growling dog warning noises she snaps at him.

This is how you get aggression issues in chihuahuas.

"Your heroic tale of locking yourself in the Ratway for years isn't enough?" is the roughest thing either of them says to each other, to me, your mileage may vary. The lashing out may not be surprising in context, but it feels significant as Delphine actually trying to punch Esbern in the bruise, as contrasted with all the times they manage to jostle each other in the bruise just by needing to be there for each other while being who they are.

Editing this, I realized this is one of those things where I'm making assumptions without stating them - I'm digging into the interpersonal dynamic of Esbern pushing Delphine and Delphine lashing out, here, because I don't think any of this is about Delphine being opposed to Esbern making a recent history encyclopedia! She is also a fan of record keeping! Her response is the only line in the Sky Haven dialogues to have a description in the…game files?…game data?…I don't know video game words?, and it's just "[QUOTE]I survived[QUOTE]? sarcastic". It's her riposte to Esbern's [holds mic out] What do you want your encyclopedia entry to say?, and it's grief and guilt and distress in the moment, not antipathy toward the chronicle idea.

Back at the academia dialogue I said I'd dig into the "Okay Esbern you are taking the paternalistic thing too far" moments here. In terms of word choice, the "Now now, my dear" from in Conversation03 might be most egregious to the modern ear, but that's also a low-stakes interaction where Esbern and Delphine are mediating their relationship through banter. The "Now now, my dear" can even be read as self-aware (…camp, if you want): an exaggerated tsking elderly man. The formulation of "Come now, [telling Delphine what she already knows about utility to future Blades after a subjective statement telling her she did more than just survive]," delivered when she's already snarling and flattening her ears, doesn't come across nearly as self-aware.

Describing Esbern's "Come now" as, for lack of a better word, unironic rather than camp, we can loop back to getting some insight on why Esbern is the way he is. Delphine's initial reply of grief -> sarcasm takes Esbern unawares because creating a chronicle of recent Blades history is something he can undertake without allowing himself to feel his own grief. He's looking back enough to make a record, but he's not looking back enough to grieve.

I think Esbern's panicky demeanor when the Dragonborn first meets him in the Ratway results in a kind of characterization misdirect. His first conversation with the player is full of his fear at the end of the world and his dread about being captured by the Thalmor. Not long after that, he and Delphine have their reunion where both are briefly emotional. After that, Esbern is cheerful and excited whenever history and architecture come up. It's easy to see him as a vulnerable old man who is willing to express his emotions! He doesn't come across as the stereotypical stern emotionally repressed character. But "Best not to think about [the torture of the other Blades]" over in Conversation02 is the acknowledgment, and even if people react to grief in different ways, would someone who never had a chance to mourn be this upbeat without us raising an eyebrow or two?

The valence of "Come now" in this conversation - encouraging, paternalistic, gentle, commanding - reads as a kinder manifestation of the classic parental Get over it. For whatever reasons in Esbern's history, shoving aside grief is the only approach he knows how to use; one imagines that spending the first part of his life in a formerly-Imperial military group had no small effect here. Delphine might be more overtly stern but she's never gotten over anything a day in her life and she isn't about to start now.

TL;DR. Conclusion? This is too long for an actual TL;DR. Delphine and Esbern care about each other deeply and share a worldview. They also can't stop bumping into each other's most painful places. Each of them has to be "the rest of the Blades" to the other and that's going about as well as you would expect.

#look what i finally finished. releasing it into the void before i am tempted into another round of editing #delphine skyrim #skyrim delphine #esbern skyrim #skyrim esbern #?#not sure the latter tag exists but this is the furthest i have gotten into making esbern Content #skyrim #putting two guys in a situation but the situation is being each other's main guy

13 notes · View notes

aftgphoenix · 7 months ago

Note

How do you feel about Kevin ?

I'm not really sure what you are looking for, anon, so here's a random jumble of thoughts that I hope makes some sort of sense. Thank you so much for the ask!

I think he's such an interesting character and one that I wish we could learn more about. I would love to learn more about his childhood with his mom and then his experiences at the Nest! I wonder if Kayleigh was a good mom, if she spent a lot of time with Kevin, if she let him explore other interests aside from exy. Imagine little Kevin dragging his Mom through different historical sites as they travel around the world for exy! Once Kevin's in the Nest, I keep thinking about Riko and how his friendship with Kevin developed into them being "brothers" and Kevin being Riko's pet. Imagine the slow slide as Riko let his sadistic side grow. I think it probably got noticeable worse when Jean arrived but I imagine it was already bad before then.

With what we do know, though, I think he's hiding a boatload of trauma that he'll likely keep repressing as long as he can until everything implodes. I would love to see him really start working through that in his fourth and fifth years with the foxes with Betsy. Actually, that would be a super cool fic to read! If anyone knows of any/writes one, please let me know!

His growth in the series was really cool to read too. He is still learning how to be his own person with his own thoughts, interests, and personality. He's learning how to be brave and to take a stand against his abusers. He's learning how to overcome the cult mindset from the Nest and he's learning to let Riko go. He's learning how to live a life with more than just exy and to care for others in a way that wasn't allowed in the Nest. He will always be connected to exy, but I think even if he had been raised in a healthy place, he still would have been exy-obsessed. I mean, his mom created the game and his dad is an exy coach (and presumably a really good player prior to that).

I hope he's able to find healthier ways to cope than getting drunk. He deserves so much better than that. (On a side note, my husband's family has struggled with alcoholism and it isn't fun at all. It tears apart families and can cause a lot of negative impact on the kids, even without an abusive aspect.) I understand why he does it, though, because I can't imagine having to live with the memories he does. I mean, watching Nathan kill that man would be traumatic enough but Kevin has seen so much more than that and I know it haunts him.

Unpopular opinion, I know, but I also like him with Thea. I like the idea of him falling in love with someone who isn't very familiar with exy but I just don't think that's very likely to happen. Instead, I like to imagine that he and Thea get a boatload of therapy and rekindle their relationship, first as friends, relearning about each other, then moving into a romantic relationship while they process the absolute horrendousness that the Nest's sexual culture was (what do you mean Riko was in the room? Yikes!!!).

He's definitely one of my top favorite characters (but let's be real, I have about twenty favorite aftg characters). I love reading fics about him! Hopefully this makes sense and maybe answers your question? Either way, I had a lot of fun writing this all out! I love getting asks, so thank you!!!

#anon ask #kevin day #all for the game #aftg #sorry if this makes no sense #i had fun with it though!#anon

21 notes · View notes

ewesless · 1 year ago

Text

Quick little thing! No, I was wrong. It became a Very Long Thing...

We know that Diavolo is operating at an entirely different frequency and level of energy from Barbatos and Lucifer and it isn't just because he's a touch starved extrovert with repressed introverts for parental figures friends.* But he might be 18-21.... As a person from the early 90's this is a traumatic realization. I thought he was an early 30s year old manchild to be quite honest.

*love your takes so so so freaking much RadArchives 😭

Utilizes canon compliant relationship dynamics and Diavolo's Lucifer complex. Luke is aged up to cope with fanservice not facilitate it.

I interpreted it as Diavolo was between 10-13 when Barbatos agreed to be his Butler. OM indicates it was 800 years before Barbatos quit feeling angry at Diavolo for the incident (he was teasing). 10,000 is equal to 10 years, so based off my estimate Diavolo would be 18-21. Unless it was 800 plus years then, since Barbatos had time to cool off which would be much more comfortable to me 😂

The canon chronological ages are vague in order for players to have freedom (dads and mom coded old as dirt option through to bratty youngest brother who seems like an angsty and rebellious teen) so just for reference these are the ages I use:

Solomon - 34 (right there in the middle of adulthood and an older brother age bracket with Diavolo. Asmo is robbing his own cradle!)

Simeon - 40 (peers with Lucifer and they are only a few months apart! Perfect adoptive/group dad age of being mature and comforting without being old-old 😭)

Luke - 16 (Again, comfort level. He's a bratty tween, but I can't tolerate the fanservice with him as a 10 year old at all. 16 is a nice middle ground between emotionally charged, discovering self and independence, "I'm grown!" and the complex realities of the world. Him developing THOSE FRUSTRATING AND CONFUSING NEW FEEEEEEELINNNNNNGS are tolerable as well.)

Barbatos - 42 (the answer to life and everything. I'd place him closer to 60 as a foxy and wicked classy grandma older woman gentleman, but he looks like a pretty, young 30-something so this fits the bill. This also goes into my headcanon that Father made him before the angels and long before humanity.)

Diavolo - 33 (an out of touch with the youth and his peers, but still a youthful soul + gap moe)

Belphie and Beel - 25 (still young enough to do underdeveloped maturity and be doted upon baby brothers, but grown enough that they aren't actually immature and know better they just haven't put the effort into developing impulse control and practicing good judgement)

Asmodeus - 27 (pretty and passes easily for 23 but can hook up with the MILFs and DILFs as well as the young 20s. He's young, but not afraid of becoming older, not just because he's beauty everlasting and that skincare routine is ✨️flawless✨️ but because he sees the beauty and attractiveness of maturity and himself)

Satan - 23 (Personal Favorite + Occultic Number! Even though he's as old as Lucifer I feel like he was born at the age that Lucifer was created for additional headcanon reasons.)

Leviathan - 31 (*scoff* "Look at this old loser with a failure to thrive and manchild tendencies" says an old loser with a failure to thrive and the same tendencies)

Mammon - 32 (okay, this would go on for more than a paragraph or few run on sentences 🤣)

Lucifer - THE BIG 40 (caught up between older than the others brother who had to grow up too fast and never got to be young / middle aged surrogate father figure of a house full of rebellious teenaged adopted kids that never got to have his experimental young adult phase...)

Thirteen is a sensitive, trendy young woman so we DON'T ASK THESE QUESTIONS 35 I like an age gap with my ladies~ Candy is 39 (because 4 is associated with death in Japanese and I have a 4 year age gap with my sister which was a perfect combination of generational difference + ability to rebel from the older sibling, angst about idolization and knowing you aren't the same, but aren't meant to be. There's the possibility of strife caused by disappointment(s)/fallen idol for Thirteen and for Candy the pressure of the expectations of parents as first born and the care, protectiveness and responsibility of older sibling for their younger sibling. They're able to rely on each other even though Thirteen is a wild woman antisocial ambivert with a strong personality and even stronger opinions whereas Candy seems like a serious and violently antisocial introvert who conforms and does what she's expected to in all areas of life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL US WHAT CAUSED THE SCHISM BETWEEN THEM. WHAT HAPPENED WRITERS? WHAT HAPPENED?)

Mephistopheles - 31/35 (I like the idea of him having an age gap of 2 years with Diavolo either as a more mature junior to senior or a senpai who won't notice him because his eyes are set on a raven haired beauty with eyes like firy rubies that is also a heavily overworked deskworker with difficult teen boys and an involuntarily in a fatherly role for Diavolo too.)

Raphael - 39 (One year the junior of Lucifer and Simeon. Because he never rebelled I thought it had something to do with him being a degree separated from Sime and Lucy to Father, but still being close enough to him to be the devoted, but the most conflicted about it, son.)

Michael - 40 (Either he was created before Simeon and Lucifer or after them. He's got something seriously suspicious going on. I feel that it parallels Diavolo's, but instead of a hopeful vision for the future and further developing what his father started Michael's is in a self-serving manner and his personal agenda is founded on the self-perception that he knows better than his Father.)

#obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me barbatos #obey me diavolo #obey me solomon #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me luke #obey me simeon #obey me thirteen #obey me 13 #obey me mephistopheles #obey me raphael #useless writing

57 notes · View notes

raemanzu · 6 months ago

Text

Okay, story time, containing awkwardness of the closeted queer nerd variety. And the dangers of using weird passwords.

Picture this common frustration: I have been locked out of an important online account.

No, I don't remember what kind of account. It might have been an online banking account. Now I'm thinking it was probably my car insurance.

In any case. All I remember is that it was something very financially significant, and I NEEDED to get into that account, so I could pay an important bill or something, something time-sensitive.

Stress was high. I did not have very much money and did NOT want Collections to be called. I was also a very young adult.

This was back in the early 2010s at the latest. I had only lived outside of my childhood home for a year or three at most. In my outer life I was a quiet modest Mormon girl coping with living in a New Scary Liberal Place, insistent that I was definitely Not A Lesbian and had not left Utah because of being in love with my best friend, definitely not, we were just good friends.

And in my inner life I was an extremely confused repressed queer ace nonbinary person doing very whacky gay chat roleplays with my future QPP, who I was now living with at their parents' house, featuring many anime and JRPG-inspired OCs with various complicated relationships with sexuality or lack thereof, including some intersex boys who were basically sex slaves to a bunch of royal women.

What does all this have to do with getting locked out of my account?

Well, there was a moment when I called the customer help line hoping someone could get my account unlocked, and the guy on the other end asked me what my password was.

"Oh. Um." I paused for what felt like an embarrassingly long amount of time. I had a habit of using names or features of my OCs combined loosely with L337 speak to help me come up with unique but memorable passwords. "Uhhh, I'll just spell it. So it's the numeral zero. Capital W… lowercase o… m… e.. n…"

At this point my face is starting to get kind of hot.

"Number 4… m..e…" I finish in an awkward laugh.

"Okay, so just to check, it's 0, Women with a capital W, 4, me?"

"Yeah," I laugh again, realizing that the likelihood of the average person having at least one question about that password and what led to it, is pretty high actually. In my flustered state I may have even rushed to try and awkwardly explain "it's an inside joke!"

BUUut if I said that much, I hope I stopped at that point, instead of regaling this random man with even a brief summary of the story of a traumatized sex slave who was desperately afraid of being forced to please royal women in bed. (hmm I wonder if there are POSSIBLY any PARALLELS between this idea and my asexual nightmares about being forced to temple-marry a random dude… lol).

I'm not sure I DID actually stop there though because I'm the kind of socially awkward nerd who sometimes infodumps that kind of thing, like a missionary wanting everyone to hear the good news of My Amazing OCs which definitely are just quirky because I'm So Creative, they have nothing to do with my Inner Identity Crisis. Even more so back then. (I'm a TINY bit more self aware now).

I don't remember what the guy said, if anything. But I was dying inside, wondering if this random man was constructing an entire narrative in his head around this poor technologically challenged closet lesbian. I may have even said that I had "moved in with my best friend" when I gave my updated address, because this account was based in Utah rather than Washington. Which is even more incriminating.

In any case, some part of my brain was convinced he was onto me.

Because I just had to go and use a weird awkward in-joke as a password.

Luckily, he didn't ask any more questions (out loud). Maybe he forgot about it all right away. I got access to my account restored, and immediately changed my password to something safe and completely indecipherable.

But yeah, 10+ years later, me and Cal still laugh about the 0Women4me incident. Still definitely not a lesbian, but for different much more queer reasons.

#rae blahblahblahs #I hope someone out there finds this funny #exmormon

17 notes · View notes

gwiyeounsonyeon · 1 year ago

Note

out of all the people you write for in cod watchdogs and strangerthings who is most to least kinky

COD i dont think a lot of these men would be diabolically kinky, like they see enough shit on a daily basis, i think they just want to be loved.

BUT-

Konig and Ghost are at the top of the list, they're into some weird shit konig moreso they're both into size difference stuff, like,

ghost cant get over how small you feel in his hands, it turns him on so fast. he covers up for it by teasing you or playfully being mean, bullying your cock if its smaller than his, poking fun at how wet your cunt is when he hasn't even touched you yet, stuff like that...

i also think he might be into bullying or degradation, not to him of course, if you try to bully him he gets all fussy but as soon as the tables are turned hes relentless.

konig LOVES your size difference, i wholeheartedly believe this man is a sub-leaning, he can still dom he just needs to be in the mood for it first but thats pretty rare. so if you're tiny and you can still dom someone the size of him hes head over heals swooning for you. if you top him AND dom him hes actually in love.

hes got some other nasty kinks as well, i can feel it

third place is a close tie between soap and price,

price is super into taboo stuff, it just takes a minute to unlock that side of him. he likes being called daddy and sir and LOVES roleplay

soap is an exhibitionist, you can't argue with me on this one. he pulling you to every little nook and cranny he knows of and having at it. there was one point in his life where he couldn't have sex in normal places like he just couldn't get hard at all unless there was a chance you could get caught.

Stranger Things

first place is Johnathan, youu know that saying i think its like the quiet people are always the freakiest.

hes nasty, i can feel it in my bones.

he LOVES taking photos of you and himself, he gets off on knowing you're probably jerking off to one of his pictures.

slight exhibitionist, he likes going to develop his photos in public dark rooms, the thought of someone seeing one gets him all hot and bothered.

hes kind of into cnc, as far as his photos, nothing more than taking pictures of you without you knowing you've already consented before

next in line HAS got to be eddie, theres someone i cant remember the name of who hc's him as a virgin and i whole heartedly believe it, hes had so much time to just sit and think, hes got so many filthy little fantasies and hes so pent up

he likes being edged, hes only thought about it, every time hes tried he ends up getting too desperate and making himself cum anyway, if its by accident or not.

he gets off on being called a pervert, maybe a freak but only if its in an explicitly playful way, theres a fine line and honestly its better to steer clear of degradation unless he states he wants it outright.

he likes being made to say what he wants, he likes to act confident and stuff but as soon as it comes to actually having sex hes so nervous.

i also think he really latches onto nonsexual domination, not like anything aggressive just if you nonchalantly do something that strikes as dominant in your every day life he starts getting hot and bothered like, telling him to do something "answer the phone, I'm busy" or "move i need to get over there" he likes a man who can assert himself without being overly aggressive.

steve and controversially billy have to be the most vanilla,

as much as i want to say steve is a kinky degenerate, hes not. hes a rich white boy with no parents, he probably just wants to be comforted during sex.

but that doesnt mean he wont try things you want to try, hes open to suggestions you have. the kinkiest thing hes ever initiated would probably be heavy making out along with some frottage in a public bathroom.

billy is heavily traumatized and very like self-repressive and oppressive, he hates himself for being gay and he probably won't let you touch him like that for the longest time.

WATCH DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so excited to get this one, i never get watch dogs asks but i love my babies sm

first on the list is wrench, duh. the guys a fucking degenerate, he wants to try any and everything, no matter what it is.

i think his personal favorites are choking, cameras/filming, wearing women's underwear, and exhibitionism less so in legion

he doesnt like being called or calling you daddy unironically, it gives him the ick if its done seriously.

second is probably jordi. the more i think about it the more i think he might be kinkier than wrench but jori knows what he likes whereas wrench will do anything.

jordis into objectifying, hes not really the kind of guy to turn to a sex worker, i see him as a fuck buddies guy purely because he thinks hes too old/his job is too much to have a real relationship with you but he still acts like your boyfriend and he gets possessive in the way where he stalks you and your socials for more info about that new guy you're hanging out with. he wants to be the only guy you fuck and what he wants he gets.

jordi also favorites rough sex and choking and he likes cumming inside you whether you like it or not.

hes also super into spending money on you but only when it benefits him, he'll whine and complain if you ask him to buy you a charger or something but hes all over buying you like expensive ass lingerie or something

in last place is marcus, im sorry but he doesn't give me kinky vibes, the kiniest hes ever gotten was playing the weekend and turned the leds red while you fucked

39 notes · View notes

candyskiez · 1 year ago

Note

i would love to hear more of ur thoughts about ???%… specifically surrounding teru cause it’s been on my mind lately

OHOHOHOHO you've awoken the beast. I am so sorry. I will specify. I love Teru. I love Teru so much. This makes it sound like I don't like Teru. I really like Teru. I am writing about ???%'s thoughts. I am studying him under a microscope. None of this is how I personally feel about Teru. Do not kill me. Please do not kill me.

I'm admittedly biased towards plural mob because. System. But I did write this with both plural mob and ???% as the repressed parts of Mob, so feel free to read it as metaphorical or Guy In Mobs Brain.

So. I've been thinking a lot lately about how Teru strangling Mob could've easily been the first time he almost died. Like. I don't think he almost died in that incident when they were kids, and I think Reigen would not be nearly as relaxed on jobs if he thought Mob would die. We've seen how he is when Mob's in any amount of what he considers to be serious danger. So I feel like it's very, very important to remember that when talking about how ???% reacts to Teru. ???% does not react to the literal terrorists as much as he reacts to Teru, because Teru was the first and one of the most personal.

I say most personal because well. For the others it wasn't about him, it was about a goal. Teru was just...fighting him, in Mobs eyes. Teru was operating on his own insecurities. It wasn't some big conflict, it wasn't some epic anime fight, it was just about Teru's insecurities and need for Mob to not be a threat to him and to be Better than everyone else. It was just two kids fighting. I think a lot about why ???% holds onto this so so hard, and a few reasons I think he has are

1. The shit listed above

2. The fact that Mob wasn't doing anything to instigate, was in fact actively asking him to stop, doing ALL the "do not stick out, do no harm" shit that made Mob repress ???% so hard in the first place, and Teru still hurt him. Mob repressed him for no fucking reason because people would still hurt him anyway.

3. This very well could've been one of the few times ???% has came out at all in a long time. I'm not sure how often ???% would've gotten to come out since it seems for a while he just came out when Mob needed it/when Mob wasn't around to stop it. So like. First memory in years and it's this guy strangling you. Would leave a pretty big impression.

4. Teru never actually apologized. Like. WE know he's sorry. But Mob and ???%...didn't? Mob was willing to let it slide. But like...those repressed emotions are gonna go somewhere. Mob might not want to think about it, but that event was traumatic for everyone involved. They almost died and Teru had his entire world view torn apart, got thrown into the SKY, and had to piece everything together lol over again. Like. ???% depending on your view point is Mobs repressed emotions or someone that literally formed to hold his repressed memories (save me plural mob, save me). ???% admits in the manga he doesn't trust anyone. How many times did he feel unsafe around him and wasn't able to do anything, because Mob liked him? Because mob cared about him and knew he changed, so it'd be unfair to bring it up, and besides HES the one who really hurt Teru, so it's fine! It's fine. <- Boy who isn't fine. How much was ???% just waiting for Teru to turn around and attack them again?

5. This also leads into my next thought: lack of agency. Some of these points will be less applicable if you don't view him as plural, but I think some of them still definitely work if you think of him as Mob but to the left: he feels like he didn't get a say in whether not they'd be close with Teru, he feels like Teru just Decided they were friends and didn't even acknowledge what happened and now he can't mention it or ask if he's actually changed or if he's even sorry because then he'll be an asshole so he just HAS to be quiet regardless of how he feels about it. He feels like everyone just decided Teru was SO good now and didn't even ask him how HE felt about it. He feels like Teru's moved on and just FINE, like he didn't almost fucking die. Actually I think almost all of this works if you don't view him as plural. Yippee I'm not accidentally alienating anyone here.

6. No seriously. Teru didn't apologize. Did ???% almost come out a few times at being around Teru. Did Mob get scared by Teru reaching towards him and ???% started to surface. How many times.

Okay okay. Now onto confession arc. I'm thinking about why he acted the way he did and like. He wanted to hurt him so bad. And it's so damn raw. Like. Teru is repeating the lesson Mob taught him, genuinely trying to help, but from ???%'s perspective it feels like a fucking joke. Teru almost killed him. Teru acted not even that different for YEARS, and he gets a slap on the wrist. But ???% messes up once and he's punished, for years? But Teru doesn't even have to apologize? Teru doesn't even have to try to get forgiven? But ???% was dutifully silent for four years. And he's still hated. I feel like that was kind of the point where ???% became WAY more destructive which. Very interesting. He went from "I need to see Tsumobi" to "I want to hurt this person." Also I'm thinking about how strongly he reacted to being told it was for his own good, that Tsumobi shouldn't see him like this, to calm down like. Okay. There's no way he hasn't heard all of that a million times. Like obviously I love it from a plural perspective but I'm gonna go into ???% is an allegory for a sec. Being told that you need to mask for your own good, that they just totally have your best interests at heart and that's why they never want to hear you complain or look upset or even slightly lose control of yourself or act even slightly abnormal. Let alone the fact ???% believes HES the real Shigeo. In his eyes being told to calm down and act like Mob again is being told to stop existing. He's being told to calm down the first time in YEARS he's let any of this out. And like. Tsumobi shouldn't see you like this. In his mind that's being told "Tsumobi shouldn't see YOU. People shouldn't see you. You're not desirable. People don't want to look at you. Just go away. Just be normal. Just be quiet. Calm down. Stop making such a scene. Get a clue." And that's obviously not how Teru meant it and ???% is doing serious damage, but like. He's having a breakdown. He seems calm in the mind scape, but he is Not Fucking Calm. He's having a breakdown. He feels so goddamn rejected by everyone and he's chasing the one good memory he got to make as ???%, not Mob. Which like. God from an autism or a plural perspective hits me so fucking hard. I remember being a kid and clinging on way too hard to my only friend because she didn't mind me acting autistic and getting so so terrified when she started drifting away from me. Watching it just feels like watching kid me panic because the only person who doesn't hate him isn't hanging out with him anymore. Being plural and autistic means this show will kill you. Anyways. What I'm saying is Teru basically took a mallet to every single one of ???%'s buttons and he took that Personally.

I'm gonna can it here because if I don't I'll never shut up. But I love Teru and ???%'s dynamic. So much. I love it. I have so many more thoughts on it, plural and non plural. You have no idea how much it's paining me to can it here. This fucking show, man.

#mp100 #mp100 spoilers #plural mob #in parts #i repeat this is not me hating teru. i love him. ???% doesn't and im talking about it #sure ill tag this #confession arc tag #candyskiez asks #candy meta

30 notes · View notes

warrior-cats-rewritten · 1 year ago

Note

o yea. i saw u reblogged rock & midnight. how r they in ur rewrite ? :3

Glad you asked!

For simple fun things, Midnight is huge because I like the giant badgers. Rock is also gay.

I'll put Midnight in the second post. You've hit Lore Jackpot.

For the more complex things... Let's start with Rock. A bit of Rock's dialog from PO3 intrigued me and I never quite let it go.

I know it was probably meant as a "ooughh immortality is awful" line but... What if it isn't?

What if he actually was cursed? Why else would a being that feels like this... Feel like this? This isn't an emotionless immortal creature rejecting Jayfeather out of coldness, this is a repressed, traumatized creature rejecting Jayfeather because he is seeing a newborn baby and a rotten corpse at the same time. He doesn't have access to Starclan, he cannot stay friends with Jayfeather after he inevitably dies. It'll only hurt. Also, there are heavy implications if not outright statements that Rock used to be a normal cat! He's even mentioned in Night Whispers to be scarred. (Look I know that the 2007 book that mentions 3 tribes and mentions that Rock's kin used to live around the lake isn't canon anymore but... Who cares. Its better worldbuilding than what we've got now.)

So... What could cause immortality like this?

I began to brainstorm, and decided it was a real tragedy. Something awful happened, something a certain young tom should have learned a lesson from... And didn't.

It was a gloomy day around the lakeside when a young couple, a gray and white tom named Rock who to swim and his new mate, a pure brown tom named Bug who loved to try herbs on wounds, to heal them. The two had been racing each other down the lakeside, laughing and playing, rushing through the autumn leaves and exploding out of the piles the had accumulated.

Bug, the more adventurous of the 2, had found a small opening. The scent of running water had made his curiosity burn. Rock nervously followed him, reminding him that they needed to get home at some point soon. Rock's mother, Falcon, had recently had 3 kits, and he needed to go and watch over them for her and his father, so they could hunt together.

Bug urged him on. "Come on Rocky!" He mewed, his eyes widening when it echoed. "This place is too cool to not explore a LITTLE! What if we can't find it again? Besides, we can bring back something for them all when we leave."

Rock couldn't argue with that! He leapt down after Bug, their tails twined together as they looked around. Rock's thick, fluffy fur was keeping him warm, though Bug, with his short fur, needed to huddle against his mate to keep warmer in the cold tunnels.

The tunnels did not seem to run deep, but soon enough Rock and Bug found themselves navigating using only their whiskers and tentative pawsteps. The tunnel took a sharp turn suddenly, enough that Rock nearly bumped his nose into the wall!

Bug laughed, and the wonderful, soft sound echoed. But... Soon after, another sound would very faintly echo through the tunnels.

Thunder.

"Oh, jeez, I didn't know it would rain. We should probably get back now."

How easy that sounded... The two toms rushed through the tunnels, their hearts beginning to pound as water filled the narrow rocky halls, Rock himself slipped over his own paws, landing into the water, the freezing water soaking into his thick fur immediately and chilling him to the bone.

"Rocky!" Bug had cried, but the water was picking up speed, dragging Rock down, deeper into the tunnel. Above, a hole in the ground had worn away, pouring more rainwater into the tunnels and providing a light.

The last thing Bug saw of Rock was his eyes glazed with terror as he slid away into the darkness, crying out for Bug...

Bug had kept going, managing to find another tunnel that lead straight outside into... Bright sunlight? Bug was soaked to bone, he had heard the crashing thunder just seconds ago...

Falcon stood outside the tunnel entrance, a deep glare on her face. "Where have you been?! It's been 2 days! And where is Rock?!"

"B... Bug? ... Where's Rock...?"

A few days later, Bug gathered himself, and would fling himself into the tunnels once more, the floor of them was as dry and bare as bleached bone. Not a single sign of the rain that had washed his lover away...

Bug searched, deeper and deeper, down the tunnel he could have sworn did not stretch that long.... Into a coldness that he swears he could feel in his very soul.

Down, at the very bottom chamber, lit by a shimmering white mossy rock, is Rock's body. His fur isn't soft anymore, it's cold and wet. His eyes, unblinking, stare into nothing. Bug begins to weep as the mossy rock that isn't a mossy rock sits up, striding over.

"I am sorry for your loss." A large, fluffy, pure white molly speaks. Her glossy fur shimmers, and her eyes, black as night, give nothing away. "It was his time."

"What do you mean 'it was his time'? He had a family! He has little siblings! His mother and father are broken hearted!"

"Everything has a time. It cannot be rewritten. Your time will come. Everything that has happened, is happening, will happen." She spoke without tone, her hollow voice echoing through the chamber. “I am time's keeper. The god of time. I have seen all that there is and has been and was. All is as it should be, as it ever was, as it always will be. Move forward, like time has, and you will be happy once more.”

Bug unsheathes his claws, he stares down at Rock, his sweet Rock, who had never harmed another cat in his life, had only ever been kind... Why him? Why not some other awful cat to drown this way in this awful place? "No." Is all he says, as he leaps at the ethereal molly, slashing her throat. Sparkling blue blood covers Bug, the molly doesn't even so much as flinch.

"You will regret this, little one. Time needs a keeper. It will never be your time. You cannot change what has been written."

The god of Time dies, and Bug finds himself lifted into the air. All at once he sees what has been, could be, should be, will be, and is. His fur begins to streak gray from the stress and strain, his eyes turning pure white. He rushes to Rock, crying out softly for him to wake up, that he has power over time, there must be a way to fix this... To turn back time....

But the molly had told him already. He is the god of Time, not its warden.

He repeats his beloved's name to not lose his mind. He cannot leave the tunnels. Time stretches on and he realizes what the old god had meant. He ages, seasons pass. Heat and ice and rain and young cats and sticks and crying parents and terrible storms and so, so much emptiness.

He repeats Rock's name to remember it. His lover's bones long since crumbled to dust and to nothing. Over and over, and over.

Without seeing him, a tiny gray tabby picks up the stick he guards, the very last one. He senses the cat in front of him, and says hello without fear. The kitten, Jaykitpawfeather states his current name, not yet aware of how it will change. He asks for the name of the god of Time.

In an old, creaking voice, he stammers out the only name he can remember.

#wc rock #jayfeather #fallen leaves wc #wc midnight #warrior cats #warriors #warrior cats rewrite #wcr #asks #wc worldbuilding

26 notes · View notes