#very out of place/out of his time very repressed and very traumatized

[l-in-the-light]

Beatifully said. This post deserves so much more attention, it's so heartfelt and real.

I also think Law is often mischaracterized in fanfiction, which is fine in general (ooc characters or alternative takes can be really cool too and often are), but it feels like there's no place for canon Law anymore anywhere, everyone is just projecting their desires and favourite tropes on him, and his own voice is not heard anymore as the result... which means we should talk a lot about canon Law, especially because he's so easy to just dismiss. He's introverted, grumpy, tsundere, and all of that is valid and true (he can also be an emo hipster, a nerdy loser or an insufferable, always complaining moody teen, if that's what you fancy the most imagining him as), but he's also traumatized, and if no one wants to talk about it, I guess I will. It's a part of him the same way lying is part of Usopp and stinginess is part of Nami.

Let me share with you one of the most striking (for me) images from the anime adaptation of Law's flashback, because I think it illustrates the original post really well:

"sometimes you just can’t show emotions the way you used to because part of the trauma is that there was no time to show them, no use to show them because you were surviving because you’ve seen terrible things and crying was for nothing. It served no purpose and any type of “showing emotions” was used against you so you just learned to repress them so hard that it became impossible to show them."

This anime shot always gets me. Law had to supress his reactions, emotions and pain so he can survive, and most of the time he achieves that by staying quiet and not moving. It's even more underlined by the fact he literally was rendered mute by Cora-san's spell later, which also ended up saving his life. Anime doesn't always keep up to that (and his seiyuu delivers a lot of grunts, but they're still mostly grunts, huffing and half-supressed sounds), but in the manga? Law's reactions are still pretty much muted, even when he's an adult. Most are just "...!!" and variations of that, even when freaking Doflamingo shoots him, Law supresses his cries, either not to give him satisfaction or because supressing gives him a sense of control over the helpless situation; it's probably both, but it's also a result of his PTSD imo.

His reaction to being shot is just "!!!" (which can be interpreted as expression of inner turmoil/pain or perhaps a grunt, the latter is how anime usually interprets it)

And again, he seems way too used to supressing, it's definitely his first instinct reaction to any sort of pain or danger. Even when he's defeated by Blackbeard and in real risk of dying right there, Law chose to be silent (while obviously also being in huge pain).

The only times he actually screams and cries out in Dressrosa arc is when Doflamingo severs his arm (he couldn't move while it was happening, so the pain kinda released him from freezing up, by screaming he regained back his control over his body. He still gathers himself really quickly afterwards) and when Doflamingo is about to stomp his skull into the ground:

He still tries to cover his eyes and lowers his initial volume too, trying to hide and not show his emotions openly. It really hits hard, because this is his failure, his moment, he's allowed to feel it to the fullest, but he still tries to stop himself from it.

He tries so hard to regain his control, but by doing that he's also just succumbing to his traumatic response. This visceral struggle is what made him survive all this time: supress, keep quiet, withstand the pain no matter what.

He also doesn't even flinch when Big Mom is beating him up while he's at the end of his strength and pushing himself even more over his limit for this last attack.

I guess it's not very obvious, because we start Punk Hazard with Law writhing and crying whenever someone squeezes his heart. Besides that, his pain reactions are always supressed, sometimes to the extreme too. Makes one wonder...

Even after Cora-san's spell wears off, Law's pain and crying gets muted by other sounds around. Technically he's allowed to express himself, but in reality he's still not being heard.

Some psychological research says there's a link between abuse and silence, and fictional stories sometimes touch upon that. For example, if you take away the voices of the victims, it's like the harm and pain never happened, because no one knows and those who do know will never talk about it. If you constantly hear the suffering voices in your head, you will have to appease them or they will never leave you alone, taking over your life. But there are other ways to make them go quiet, like by literally forcing them, especially if there's no hope to get justice. Anything to survive.

After reading more Law’s Pov’s on fics I’ve realized that sometimes people misinterpret Law a lot, if you read Law’s novel you realize that he is thoughtful, more tender than he appears to be and inclined to profound reflections about existential issues. I do think that I get why it happens as a person with PTSD, sometimes you just can’t show emotions the way you used to because part of the trauma is that there was no time to show them, no use to show them because you were surviving because you’ve seen terrible things and crying was for nothing. It served no purpose and any type of “showing emotions” was used against you so you just learned to repress them so hard that it became impossible to show them. You learn to rationalize and micro analyse everything because your fucking life can depend on you hability to do so. So yeah I get that many people people would look at you and misinterpret you as “not caring”  or “cold” because you might be running thousands equations thinking about the risks of trusting someone, since you are so low energy you literally can’t afford another pseudoargument or anything that would just make you lose any more times because you never had time to begin with. It is living in borrowed time every single minute expecting the other shoe to drop. Anyway, I’m not comparing my trauma to Law’s his is way bigger than mine, but the little things, yeah I get them. 

Just a little rambling here to the void as always. 

[edwinisms]

the reason i read niko as autistic so fucking fast and so fucking hard isn’t even because of the typical autistic character tv cliches (special interests, weird hobbies and/or collections, homebody/introvert, etc), it’s more than anything because of her difficulty reading social cues, tendency for being brutally honest or rude without meaning to be, difficulty fully understanding other peoples’ emotions when they don’t align with her own / when she can’t frame it from her point of view (see: the aftermath of jenny’s fucked up murder date and how niko focuses mostly on how jenny hates her, or avoids her, etc, even though she clearly cares about jenny– she just genuinely doesn’t seem to know how to empathize very well, which is a big autistic mood). and things of the like. i don’t even think she’s an introvert frankly, she just had a situation going on that pushed her into reclusion– once the sprites are out, and she has the support of friends, she’s happy to go places and do things and initiate conversations and so on– it’s just that, when she does so, it becomes more obvious that she’s not great at reading the room, and when she does it’s very simple and seems like stating the obvious (“that got dark”, “that’s sad,” etc), and she seems to genuinely not register when she’s crossing boundaries (see: jenny in general, her interfering with peoples’ relationships, asking uncomfortable questions, bringing up uncomfortable topics (like sex), etc).

and just……..yeah she’d be really good autistic rep imo if she were to be canonized as such, more so than any other character by a long shot

[carnivalls]

good morning. thinking again of juve and her dog

[glitter-stained]

Jason Todd Meta: My opinion on the csa headcanon

Does Jason's behaviour suggest he was a victim of csa?

There is very little, in terms of clinical signs, that’s going to point to csa specifically, because most symptoms, for psychiatric disorders, aren’t specific to one disorder or cause. One thing that’s usually a good hint would be children making very sexual statements/references/jokes/behaviours that are very inappropriate in context (a good example of this would be Roman Roy from Succession); night terrors are bed wettings amongst children/teenagers over a certain age. But that is absolutely not necessary: many, if not most victims of csa don’t display these specific signs, and a twelve years old that suffers from night terrors is not necessarily a victim of csa. The one thing that tells you for sure, in a person with trauma, that they have been a victim of csa, is that they’re telling you they have been a victim of csa. I’m insisting on that part because there’s a whole bunch of therapists (cough cough psychanalysts) that will tell you confidently that your psychiatric symptoms stem from a childhood sexual trauma (cherry on top of the shit cake if it’s incestuous) that you didn’t know about because you’ve repressed it. I repeat, that’s bullshit. If you meet a clinician who tells you that, RUN. So, a warning: this is probably the least “psychological analysis” of my “Jason psychological analysis posts”, because Jason’s symptoms do not allow us to conclude formally for or against a history of sexual abuse. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do some meta, make sure we're on the same page with what's analyzed here, some textual analysis, discuss what the csa headcanon does and does not imply in terms of his behaviour. I think it’s a good idea to start with it so we know where we’re standing with our analysis, regardless of the fact it’s maybe not the most interesting in terms of psychopathology and neuropsychology.

A couple of disclaimers:

I only talk about the comics I want to talk about. This is for two reasons, which are that 1) I do what I want and if I don’t like/don’t find something interesting, I’m not gonna waste time on it; and 2) I’ve been reading comics for a couple of months only, and there are, like, a lot of them. If there are comics you wanna see analysed under that lense, feel free to suggest them! I might not want to, but it also could be that I haven’t read them yet. Additionally, I'm not interested in questioning the morality of Jason's actions here. Ethics are fun, and I like talking about them sometimes, and morality sometimes has a place in talks about demonization but largely speaking this isn't the space for that. I separate talk about morality and psychology stuff as much as I can for a reason, so if you are looking here for excuses for his behaviour or arguments as to why he is a bad person, you're in the wrong place. Moral judgement is irrelevant here for the most part.

On the events of Red Hood: Lost Days:

Jason has, at some point in the comics, been a victim of csa. When Talia kisses Jason before pushing him off a cliff right after he got out of the Lazarus Pit, and when she initiates sex with him in Lost Days, that’s not consent!! That’s a grown woman taking advantage of a traumatized teenager who is, on top of that, deeply indebted to her. That’s a predatory act, with a steep power imbalance, it’s sexual assault, and on top of that there’s an element of suggested pseudo-incest. That decision was retconned, and thank god, because it was a brutal assassination of Talia’s character based on a good bit of racism, and also because the way it was portrayed doesn’t make it clear that Jason is a victim in a situation rather than that super annoying trope of “teenage guy gets to bang a hot MILF and hahaha lucky him”, writing a male character in a situation of SA without acknowledging it as SA or taking it seriously is one of the tropes I hate most, it reinforces stigmatisation and isolates victims. For all of these reasons, I’m not gonna include that element in my analysis, but it’s important to note that if you do include those scenes in your conception of it, then Jason is undeniably a victim of csa and everything discussed about it applies to him.

What if it were a lie?

I’ve said it before (and I’ll say it again), I deeply, violently hate headcanons/tropes where a character lies about being a victim of csa (whether it’s for manipulation, personal gain, any reason really I don’t care). It’s rare as fuck in real life, however it’s a common trope that feeds into fear of being wrongfully accused that causes push-back and increases social stigmatization. CSA is a painful thing associated with intense feelings of shame and already a deep fear of not being believed. Imagine making a considerable effort to seek help after something terrible happened/is happening to you, and you have to brave your fear of not being believed on top of that, and once you’ve made all that effort you get rejected and villainized because it’s just easier for the person you’re reaching out to not to believe it. So I’m awfully weary of this type of headcanon, and I think a general rule of thumb is “if your interpretation of what the character is saying is that he’s talking about how he was abused, especially if he’s talking about sexual assault, then it happened.” If you don’t like that, if you don’t feel like that’s good representation, then you can question the story, think it should be retconned, or rethink your interpretation of what the character says if it’s ambiguous, but hcing that the character lied about his assault is not a hypothesis we’re going to accept here no matter what. So we can start by scratching that one out: Jason never lies about being a victim of csa, or wilfully hints at it even though that’s untrue, at any point.

Two other ideas I’ve seen floating around that I think are worth mentioning:

No, just because Jason lived in the streets as a kid doesn’t mean the only way he survived was through underage prostitution. I genuinely don’t understand that idea, yes being a street kid makes you extremely vulnerable, yes it makes the risk of resolving to underage prostitution to survive higher but it’s absolutely not a fatality. That idea is, quite frankly, weird. Do you automatically assume if a real life person tells you they were in the streets for some time at a kid that they are a victim of csa? Also, I've seen the idea go around that because some people have a strong reading/hc of Jason as bi (which I have no problem with I love bi Jason), that would be an argument in favour of the csa hc. Please don’t do that. There’s no link between queer sexual orientations and childhood sexual abuse, that’s a harmful myth that we should work to deconstruct or, at the very least, not continue to vehiculate.

Another important thing to keep in mind: childhood sexual abuse =/= childhood sexual trauma.

Now, a traumagenic situation is a situation that might induce trauma (so development of, acute stress disorder, ptsd, cptsd, derealization, any traumatic pathology really). These situations exist on a continuum of probability to be traumatized by this situation. For example, a flood, a car accident, witnessing a murder and being sexually assaulted are all traumagenic situations, but the probability of developing trauma from them are very different. It hinges on personal, situational, social, and environmental risk factors (that have nothing to do with being weak, anybody can develop trauma). A definition for traumagenic situations can be found in the diagnostic criteria for ptsd in the dsm-5:

A. “Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s).

2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others.

3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental.

4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). Note: Criterion A4 does not apply to exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures, unless this exposure is work related.”

Note that the this last criteria has been added from the DSM-5 in order to explain cases of PTSD observed in at-risk jobs like cops exposed to repeated detailed child abuse, first responders collecting human remains, or, crucially, vigilantes repeatedly exposed to brutal crimes. This means that Jason, when he works on the Dumpster Slasher case, when he is horrified to find Gloria in the immediate aftermath of her rape (and later finds her dead body, because witnessing the consequences of these traumatic events is also an important component of that second-hand trauma), is being exposed to a very traumagenic situation. As I said before, that doesn’t necessarily mean you will experience trauma (thank fuck for that), but there are factors that influence that. SA related situations has an already pretty high probability of inducing trauma. On top of that, age is a big factor in that: the younger you are, the less resources, emotional regulation, development and coping mechanisms to face the traumagenic event you have (though there is such a thing as “too young to have PTSD" -when your memory is simply not developed enough for the memory to traumatize you because you will not remember the event.) At fifteen, with his memory fully developed but his brain going through so much changes because of teenagehood and his past history, Jason would be at risk. On top of that, you’re more at risk to get traumatized if you’re already stressed out when the event happens, so Jason’s mental state at this point in his robin run is also a risk factor. All to say, it’s very plausible for Jason to have sexual trauma without being a victim of sexual abuse in relation to canon events. Besides, in headcanon territory when it comes to Jason’s childhood before Robin, there are so many ways to be exposed to sexual violence : witnessing/finding his mother being a victim (considering the position of extreme vulnerability Catherine was in), witnessing assault in the streets, being the victim of attempted SA and escaping, watching street kids get picked up and later find their bodies/being told by other kids, as a cautionary tale, in excruciating detail, testimonies of their own assault… Or for example, if we’re thinking about Arkham Knight, being constantly threatened with SA, it being hinted and joked about and hanging over him like a sword of Damocles is something I could see Joker and other inmates do that could definitely induce sexual trauma even if it doesn’t happen ; what matters most, in trauma, is that the fear is real. Mechanically, when we’re looking at the way trauma works even on a biological level, the overwhelming fear is at the core of the pathology. (This is also why you can develop PTSD after a psychotic episode.) Like, my point isn’t that one of these things happened to Jason, or that he has to have sexual trauma from the events of the Diplomat’s Son or anything -mostly just that this is a possibility, something very serious that happens and an important nuance that I never see in discussions on the csa headcanon, and while it’s not exactly what the debate is about, I think it’s something important to ponder.

Do you consider the csa hc to be canon?

So, there are a lot of Jason stories, and I’m very pro “not take in account what is said in comics you dislike in your conception of canon” because if I did that absolutely no bat character would be readable, I have to believe that no character is defined by their worst writers. And boy, does Jason have a lot of bad writing… On top of the personal retcons, there are also the canon retcons: like Battle for The Cowl is retconned… Unless someone decides to reinject/revamp it into the narrative (please don’t please don’t it’s irrecuperable let it lay with the Flying Todds where it belongs). So, let’s see. There are three writers/arcs that imply/mention the csa hc: Starlin’s writing of Jason’s post-crisis Robin Run (canon though some stuff in it seems to have been retconned), Winick’s writing in Green Arrow: Seeing Red (canon as far as I know), and Battle for the Cowl (retconned). It’s worth noting that one of those are considered to be foundational works for Jason’s character (Jason’s post crisis Robin Run and Starlin’s part in it), and another was written by Winick, who wrote the other two foundational Jason stories: Under The Red Hood and Red Hood: Lost Days. On a personal level, I’m very mitigated about what I like and accept about it. I base my whole love and characterization of Jason about his post-crisis Robin Run, I love that little guy so much, Starlin’s take on Jason’s Robin Run is absolutely canon to me (which does not mean I like Starlin as a writer, thank you very much). On the other hand of the spectrum, the only reason Battle for the Cowl isn’t my least favourite comic ever is because The Killing Joke exists, absolutely not canon, get this thing away from me. And then in the middle, my feelings on Seeing Red (on the entirety of Winick’s Jason really) vary depending on the day, because I do like a revenge story that challenges the status quo with tropes of “bad victim” and it sets up Jason as a character based on love rather than morals which I adore, but there are also some elements of psychophobia in the writing that I (who approach stories through the filter of psychopathology first and foremost) can’t just look past, and also the way it intertwines with classist stereotypes. So do I consider Seeing Red to be canon? In good faith, yes, but whether I’ll accept it as such really depends on the day. In terms of the csa headcanon: it’s heavily hinted in BTFC but not outright said, it’s there as a undercurrent in Starlin’s run because of his intention (to make Jason die of AIDS). And then we have Seeing Red. Basically Jason lists elements about Mia’s life, including her past with underage prostitution (so, just to be very clear, csa), and says they’re very similar, having both lived on the streets, and understand having to do bad things when it’s necessary. This is not the same as saying “I was a victim of csa”, and what he’s saying could be interpreted differently (we know that he was stealing tires, and “only what he needs to survive”, so he could have been referencing small-time theft.) So, it could be a reference to something else, I totally understand why some people want to interpret differently. It just… Feels like such a weird and weak argument to be equating boosting tires to underage prostitution, to me it’s very ooc (in comparison to UTH Jason), and it would feel like weak writing from someone like Winick. Aka it’s not technically canon, and you don’t have to accept it as such(I understand the mentality of "I'm rejecting this interpretation because it feels like demonization of csa victims" perfectly), but personally I think it takes a lot from Jason’s character in Seeing Red and from this story in general.

[lady-forest-1142]

cannot stop thinking about jean and neil being the same age, like hello narrative foils?? jean is neil if mary hadn't run away with him. riko's pet, given as appeasement to the moriyamas. neil is a traumatized individual but he still retained his sense of self (for the most part) because while mary was harsh the ultimate reasoning behind her actions was his safety and wellbeing. meanwhile, jean was in the hands of a person who did not care if he lived or died, and treated him as such. repressing his humanity was the only way for him to survive. neil could find moments of reprieve on the run, precious minutes of anonymity for him to catch his breath. there was nowhere for jean to run, nowhere for him to hide. his very identity (I am a moreau. I belong to the moriyamas.) was bound up in his torture. mary running away saved neil and condemned jean in the same breath.

and now here they both are, the same age, both relatively safe and secure for the first time in years, but they are in such different places. neil has found life, love and joy and companionship and the promise of a future, while jean is still merely trying to survive, pulling himself together each day and always on the brink of collapse. neil may still be wounded but he knows who he is, knows what he wants - this was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and neil was never letting go - but jean still doesn't know any of that, is trying to build a new identity for himself out of the scraps of his old life, and they have seen so many of the same things but from such different perspectives and both of them are irrevocably changed from it but in such different ways.

[l-in-the-light]

The Otherworlds merging... or is it something else? (spoilers for Silent Hill 2!)

Remember when James said this line to Eddie? Kinda ironic, considering the scene below...

Remember what he did just before he killed Mary? He tucked her in bed, kissed her goodnight (on the forehead), and then stared into her eyes for a good moment... turned his eyes away, then back again to hers, and he snapped immediately after.

"You can't just kill someone cause of the way they looked at you..."

"You see it too? For me, it's always like this"

Why is James able to feel the heat of Angela's Otherworld and the coldness of Eddie's? Why is he fighting Angela's monster? Why does Angela mistake him for her mother?

I don't think their Otherworlds are merging just because they have spend a lot of time with each other (they really didn't, it was like three meetings each in the original). They definitely couldn't have bonded to the point that James can understand Angela's pain and see her trauma personified.

Nobody can understand another person's pain and suffering, we're all different people with different experiences. Understanding that is the first step towards showing true empathy for someone.

If Abstract Daddy/Ideal Father looks the way he looks because we see him through James's eyes and through his life experiences/trauma, then why is it also Angela's monster and why are we fighting it? Does it suggest that James and Angela share similar (but not the same, it can never be the same) experiences in this particular case? Does James have traumatic memories related to his own father, Frank Sunderland?

Of course James also just wants to help Angela, to save her. James seems to have a saviour complex, which might be the result of Mary's illness (he wanted to save her but couldn't, because the disease was untreatable and fatal, there was no way to cure Mary and he could only watch her dying. He failed her).

But there's another side to this, if we consider that Silent Hill is a reflection of character's own personal traumas and creatures might represent personal triggers...

"Even my mama said it. I deserved what happened"

"You fat, disgusting piece of shit! You make me sick!"

"Well, what are you looking at? Get the hell out of here!" / "I was so angry, I struck out at everyone I loved. Especially you"

Angela, Eddie and James. They all share one theme in common in those lines above: being on the receiving end of emotional/verbal abuse.

When we look at the design of James's monsters, they share something in common: emphasis on the mouth area. Lying Figures early design had a very distinguishable mouth, the final design instead sprays "vomit" on you, which is said to represent Mary lashing out verbally at James. Bubble Head Nurse has a red square covering her mouth, like to seal it shut. Flesh Lips is the boss that is a lump of flesh with detailed pair of lips. Abstract Daddy actually follows this design trope as well.

It's James's monster, it represents him suffocating Mary, the memory he repressed. The monster wouldn't look this way if it was Angela's. Abstract Daddy doesn't represent what you think it does! It would look completely different if we saw it through Angela's eyes and it would look most likely like her father, not two people having intercourse on a bed. In other words, it was never depicting intercourse. It's supposed to be surreal representation, not *literal*, and if you think it's intercourse then you're going for the most literal interpretation ever, not symbolic. The "James suffocating Mary" might not even be the final interpretation of it either.

Why did they all met in Silent Hill in the first place?

Angela wanted someone to save her but also wanted to find her mom, Eddie had enough of the abuse but was a coward, they don't seem to have much in common, besides this: they both experienced lifelong abuse, lasting ever since their childhood, and at least big part of it was emotional/verbal abuse. If the story in Silent Hill 2 is told through parallels, then it suggests Mary wasn't the first time James experienced abuse either.

It makes sense. That's the reason why he couldn't bring himself to visit Mary in the hospital. She lashed out at him, it triggered him, but he didn't understand why he's reacting like that, why he has such a hard time going back to visit her, why he starts to hate her. Finally, he succumbed to alcohol to deal with the anxiety of resurfacing past trauma. Eddie btw did a similar thing, but he was overeating instead to deal with his triggers. Food calmed him down, even though it also made him gain weight and caused the bullying to intensify (most likely).

James forgot what he did to Mary. He shows signs of dissociating in many moments of the game (especially in the remake, like when he first cries after Maria died and then leaves her behind emotionlessly). His behaviour fits behaviour of someone used to being verbally abused as well: his quiet withdrawn behaviour, him shutting up immediately after someone lashes out at him (for example when Eddie screamed at him), never defending himself (Angela calling him names and he was just standing there quietly). James seems to remind Angela of her mother. In a family with history of abuse it rarely affects only one person. Her father was probably abusive towards the mother as well and if he lashed out at her often, she was probably a very withdrawn person, never defending herself, speaking in low quiet voice etc. This might be exactly the part which reminded Angela of her mother when she saw James, because that's how he always behaves as well.

He thought Mary died three years ago, because that's when Mary's disease started, and with it the verbal abuse as well. Maybe it wasn't even his first blackout experience either. When Laura locks him in the room, he has a really strong reaction, even begs her to let him out (despite not wanting to beg at first), and after Flesh Lips fight we have this weird sequence of staring at the ceilling, hallucinating Mary's voice, and James wakes up in a completely different place, doesn't know how he got out of that locked room. My guess is that was yet another of his dissociative blackouts.

You didn't want her around anymore. Admit it!

No...

You probably found someone else!

NO!

(this is literally the only moment in the game in which James assertively stands up for himself. Through the rest of the story he simply lets Maria, Laura and Eddie trashtalk him)

I wanted you out of the way. The truth is, I hated you *shakes head*. I wanted my life back.

If that's true...

Despite saying it so clearly before that he wouldn't want Mary out of his life and searching so desperately for her (I just want Mary back, I can't go on without you anymore), at the end he admits Angela was right... or was she? She didn't actually know him much. Mary, on the other hand, knew him probably the best in the world, and she claimed that what he said is not true. But if it's not true then why did James say that?

That's because he doesn't understand why he did what he did. He killed her most likely while experiencing a blackout or he snapped after reaching his breaking point, while triggered, and only later experienced a blackout. The only thing he remembers is the feelings he felt for Mary after she lashed out at him (hatred, helplessness, self-loathing), which weren't his feelings for Mary, but his reaction to the verbal abuse he experienced. But he couldn't seperate the past traumatic event from the trigger he was experiencing in the present. Vivid flashbacks and feeling like re-living a past trauma in the present moment are all signs of PTSD. As the result, a person might avoid meeting other people or situations that can even remotely remind them of their traumatic experience. Sounds like James avoiding to visit Mary in the hospital, to me. He of course didn't understand why he is behaving like that or why he feels so overwhelmed, so he ended up blaming himself and thought he is a bad partner as the result, as many people suffering from PTSD would, even though what they're going through isn't their fault.

I'm not saying that what James did was good (it definitely wasn't, and that's not the point I was trying to make at all). I'm just trying to point out that James shows signs of PTSD, just like Angela and Eddie do as well (is it a good depiction of PTSD? Definitely not perfect, but not too bad either. Could be better without the murder plotline). Silent Hill 2's story at the heart of it is actually a tragedy, not a murder story.

I wish we could know more about James and his past...

[kafus]

i'm going to finally talk about The Buizel that i keep mentioning but then neglecting to elaborate on. just for the sake of personal documentation honestly. because she means everything to me

warning for discussion of SA! (nothing graphic but it's relevant to the story of this buizel)

this is Hope. she's a buizel. she looks unassuming with nothing particularly special about her other than being a pretty high level for an unevolved buizel. but she is one of the most important pokemon i own, if not the most important.

i've been into pokemon games since i was a really little kid, starting in 2004. my first game was leafgreen, but the sinnoh games have a very important and special place in my heart. by the time DP came out in 2007 in the US, i was a little bit older, 7 years old to be precise, and was able to enjoy the games on a deeper level than before due to an increase in reading comprehension and pokemon knowledge. when i think of "my childhood generation", it is definitely gen 4. when i think of 2007, i think of my excitement for diamond and pearl, begging my parents to get it for me for my birthday/christmas that year, watching the anime on the TV in eager anticipation for hopefully getting the games as a gift.

unfortunately when i think of 2007, i also think of an extreme traumatic event that happened that year. i was being sexually abused by my grandfather from a young age and this was ongoing in that year. in a fit of rage or god knows what, his level of violence increased all of a sudden in the summer, while i was left alone at my grandparents' house for multiple weeks at a time without my parents. i was brutally injured and could have died - my grandfather nearly killed me. i promise this is relevant to the story of this buizel so bear with me.

by the time i was home, my injuries had healed enough that despite coming extremely close to being examined by a doctor, ultimately no one ever found out, and i never told because of memory loss/repression. suffice to say we kept visiting my grandparents for the holidays. in particular, we took the small roadtrip to their house again for thanksgiving, and unexpectedly my grandma wanted me to open her birthday gift for me early since i was there in person, and i excitedly tore open the package to find pokemon pearl inside.

i did eventually get other pokemon games, gens 3, 4, and 5, but this pearl file remains the only childhood file i have that i didn't overwrite or lose the cartridge for. it's been very lightly played since childhood but it mostly remains in the same state it was whenever i last picked it up as a kid, including the over 200 hours of gameplay. considering i spent similar amounts of time in diamond which i got for christmas that year, suffice to say i played a lot as a kid! thanksgiving in 2007 was on november 22nd so the "adventure started" date lines up perfectly with the trip i was on to my grandparents' house.

i've peeked around this file multiple times and was happy to have some remnants of my childhood, but was also disappointed to find that most of the pokemon i was attached to and used had mysteriously vanished from the save file. my best guess is that i traded them to my copy of diamond which i was using in tandem with pokemon battle revolution on the wii, of which i unfortunately lost at some point along the line.

for instance, i peeked into my hall of fame data - i had beaten the league 9 times on this file and my first hall of fame entry, AKA when i beat the game for the first time, was from january 26th 2008 and had my original team, consisting of lucario, palkia, torterra, staraptor, and amusingly, an unevolved pikachu and an unevolved buizel, both at stupidly high levels for being unevolved pokemon. i was humored seeing this a couple years ago when i first looked through this file because it was so like me to have unevolved pokemon on my team, and in particular i was obsessed with pikachu and buizel at the time, so like... of course.

at first, i looked through the PC (and the daycare!) for any traces of any of these guys... nothing. they were all gone. after checking out other stuff like my underground base or whatever else, i shelved my copy of pearl again, only taking it back out of my box of DS games when i occasionally needed it for version exclusives or multiplayer battle tower shenanigans.

you may see where this is going.

this year i booted up pearl again because i wanted to ribbon master a pokemon from my childhood with my actual OT on it, AKA get all the ribbons possible on a pokemon. if you aren't familiar with the "ribbon master" challenge, don't worry about it, it's just a (very time consuming) hobby i have and i like doing it with pokemon that are meaningful to me.

in the pictures in this post so far, i've blacked out the trainer name on everything because i actually named myself after my legal name back then. i don't identify with that name anymore at all, but i really wanted to honor my childhood self because... sinnoh meant so much to her. this file, this cartridge in particular, was a light in a year that contained unthinkable violence and trauma towards me. a year when i could have died. i first played with this game cart in the building where just some months prior i had been bleeding profusely in the basement at the hands of my relative, a house that has since been sold off and i can no longer return to - this pearl cartridge remains one of the only remnants of that time and place, and it is deeply, deeply important to me. i didn't want 7 year old me's pokemon to rot away forever.

little did i know that apparently when i looked through the PC a couple years prior, i somehow completely missed that one pokemon from that hall of fame entry still existed on the file. just the one. miraculously. and it was the buizel.

genuinely nothing could have prepared me for finding her, i didn't expect it at all. i just started crying. i couldn't believe it.

her met date was november 26th 2007, just a day after i started this save file. i could not believe it either when i tabbed over to the ribbons page and saw the sinnoh champion ribbon, three contest ribbons, a ribbon for talking to the sunyshore NPC on a wednesday, and the footprint ribbon which is received for max friendship from a guy to the east of pastoria. she was by far the most well-loved pokemon still on the file, and maybe the one i wanted to see the most, if i could have any of those 6 pokemon from that hall of fame back.

i haven't mentioned it until now, but that aforementioned extremely violent event is the traumatic memory i have come to un-repress in the most detail out of any of my trauma by far. i still remember what i was thinking at the time to survive it, staring at the ceiling and escaping into my mind to pretend it wasn't happening. first i thought about the usual, my mom, my bedroom back at home, but thinking about those things ended up just making me feel their absence, and so my mind drifted to pokemon diamond and pearl. i didn't even own the games yet, but i played out what i thought they might be like based on that gamestop demo kiosk and commercials and the anime in my mind, and in that daydream, because of the buizel from the diamond & pearl anime, buizel was one of my pokemon, my main pokemon, a pokemon that i could not have yet but that i thought very fondly of and really wanted. and unsurprisingly it ended up as a member of my team once i finally got the games months later.

suffice to say, buizel is a pokemon that meant a lot to me and held a lot of weight and emotion for that 7 year old girl that was me. and so to find my first childhood buizel after all this time after i thought for sure she was gone and to see how much i loved her, i could not stop crying for a good while. and i'm tearing up again just writing all this out frankly

and so i traded her to my platinum and soulsilver saves to play with her, and start getting more ribbons on her like i had set out to do. (for the record, she had been fed horrendous poffins when i was a kid, and the contest ribbons were extremely & excessively difficult to get as a result, but i digress, i'll save talking about that for some other time). but one thing was still bothering me after all of this...

as a kid, i was spotty with naming my pokemon. i kind of had a whole thing where often times their species... felt like their name? so it felt weird to overwrite their species name sometimes. but despite wanting to honor my childhood self's wishes, the one thing i couldn't get past was this buizel lacking a name. i wanted to name her after all this time. but how on earth was i supposed to name a pokemon so meaningful to me after over a decade since she was first caught?

there were so many deepcut references to my childhood i could have made, so many thoughtful names... but i ended up just going with Hope. a simple name for a simple joy in a really complicated time of my life, something i probably would have named a pokemon at that age, and straightforwardly emblematic as to what she represents to me. because she is hope. i survived to catch her for real, not in my dying daydreams, and if i survived that then hope surely exists and i can survive anything.

and so i traded her to pearl one last time to give her her new name.

and this is hope now, in my platinum version:

i hadn't shared her nature until now. i think "brave" is really fitting. and as you can see i've been working really hard on her ribbons. eventually when i have all of them (just a few battle tower ones left to go!) i'll be transferring her up to see other pokemon regions and get all the ribbons she can, but i'll definitely be keeping a copy of her in gen 4 forever as a time capsule.

if you read this far thanks for reading this really overly personal and emotional account about this random buizel i just so happen to have. pokemon continues to surprise me with how much a cluster of 1s and 0s and some pixel art can mean, despite me getting attached to, and sentimental over them, time after time again. though out of all of them, hope has to be one of the most irreplaceable. i'm really, really glad i never traded her to diamond, and i'm glad i still have her around. i want to cherish her for a very long time & as i continue working on the ribboning process i'll post updates about her. just uh. don't expect that to be fast because i am ribboning a lot of pokemon right now lol

[alazystranger]

zolu fic recommendations? (i can take reading angst now)

Ooh, this is going to be bit of a long post. i have tried to include a mix of both angsty and otherwise.

*cracks knuckles* alright let's get down to it! I have included the summaries as given by the authors below the link.

let thy sword be thy tongue by queerweather. A personal favorite! I go back to this one a lot.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and Zoro is not afraid of Luffy handling his swords; Zoro is afraid of how Luffy handling his swords might unravel him.

Love you by willoffire123. Both angsty and sweet! Kind of like my comfort fic

When Luffy goes overboard one night during a winter storm, Zoro dives after him and the two are separated from their ship. Stranded on a winter island, slowly freezing to death, Luffy and Zoro come to realize their long dormant feelings for each other. Can they say their love in two words or less? Or will the winter island take their lives before they get the chance?

Loyal Till Death Do Us Part by StygianHeart. You said you can take angst now, anon? *cackles maniacally* this one has it all- whump luffy, traumatized zoro and what not. It has 13 chapters and it's absolutely worth it

Roronoa Zoro knows he’s loyal to a fault. And maybe that loyalty is only for his Captain and Crew. But realizing his loyalty for Luffy is also something more, something more personal and emotional, was not what Zoro wanted. And he definitely didn’t want the voices in his head to get so loud. But hey, we never get what we want, do we? In which Zoro figures out he’s in love with his captain and is in great denial, all while struggling through emotional repression and a bunch of shit he doesn’t deserve. Go figures.

running just to keep my hands on you by nevermordor. another fic i love to read again and again.

The thing they do is kind of like a game, because Luffy likes games, but it’s also kind of a competition because Zoro can’t not turn anything and everything into a competition. It doesn’t have a name and there are only two rules, because more than two would just be making things boring and overcomplicated. 1. Whoever takes out the most guys in a fight is the winner 2. Whoever is the loser has to do whatever the winner says “Why’s it gotta be a whole game and stuff," Luffy says. "That’s gonna take too long.” “It makes sex more fun," Zoro explains. "You gotta win it, you gotta earn it. Like anything good in life. Like pirate king or greatest swordsman.” Luffy considers this.

A gamble on love by SnailorBee. short and fluffy. had me grinning like an idiot. perfect fic to recover from the angsty ones.

Pre-Time Skip! "We have a bet amongst the crew, minus Chopper. You want in?" "A bet?" Brook repeated, mystified. "About what?" "If those two idiots are dating or not." Nami jerked her chin in the direction of the nap pile behind him. Strawhats and their bets about Luffy and Zoro.

To cut your teeth on love by freckledshoulderblades. basically a series of snippets from their first meeting to just after timeskip but full of zolu feels.

Zoro meets Luffy and gives himself over wholeheartedly the instant Wadō is placed between his teeth again. Luffy meets Zoro and decides in a heartbeat that Zoro is his.

poly philtatos(the most loved by far) by swordsmans. another personal favorite!

He keeps moving forward at a steady pace, resisting the urge to run because how fucking embarrassing would that be, running because he missed them, and as he breaks through the treeline he shouts, “Oi, oi—what took you guys so long? It's been—” And then he freezes, because yes, actually—something is very, very wrong. The Sunny is anchored just off shore, close enough to see the deck but far enough away that the crew has had to take the Mini Merry to make land. Scattered across the beach in various stages of chaos—rolling around, yelling, fighting—are his crew but not his crew, so similar and yet so, so different. They look younger, fresher, and whatthefuck there, on the deck of the Sunny just peering over the railing, he catches a flash of green—his own green hair— “Ah, fuck,” he grunts, and then immediately turns back around because no, actually, he does not want to deal with this.

These are a few of my picks. if you want more/shorter fics/if you were looking for something else, don't hesitate to send me another ask!

[haine-kleine]

Taking a break from doomposting to once again ponder the meaning of the chapter from a storytelling point of view. It fails to complete any storyline point previously established. Ochako is still repressing her survivor's guilt and covering it up with fake sweet smiles. Deku and Ochako don't really reach any understanding nor comfort each other after this traumatic experience: Ochako still blames herself for Himiko's death, Izuku has seemingly moved on from Shigaraki's death using it as a learning example on his way forward. The party is random and the cheer is forced. Eri mutilating herself with the help of an adult hero goes unaddressed. The old lady is the only character exhibiting any development but it falls flat because we don't have much reason to care about the character who is not Tenko that she saves. It was Shigaraki who needed saving and didn't get it.

The one thing this chapter achieves is destroying any hope the readers had left. The next chapter is not necessary, judging by how meaningless most of the epilogue chapters have been so far.

But looking at this from another angle, the one thing Horikoshi can do, after killing the remaining embers of our hope, is subvert our expectations.

The only logical conclusion from the nameless boy looking so much like Tenko was obvious, but his appearance had very awkward timing if all the purpose this character has is to show the positive changes in society. He would have fit in the framing of chapter 427, which was focused on the society's opinion about Shigaraki Tomura and how they perceive him. It talks repeatedly about the collective fear of the next Shigaraki resurging and what preventive measures they can take. The old lady, whose character purpose was to not save Tenko, even appears in that chapter! If the positive change was the intended message, why cut her narrative into awkward parts and squeeze the second one in place of Ochako's supposed resolution? And once again, why show the boy so early? He appeared in the chapter that started slowly revealing the fates of the villains, and his appearance was immediately followed by Touya's. The logical connection is obvious. Teasing that not-Tenko character to leave the audience guessing for a month, seems like a red herring, and if the nameless boy being saved by a person who could have saged Tenko and didn't, is just there to fool our expectations, it's an unnecessarily cruel move from the author. He knew what he was doing. Despite his death, the epilogue heavily focuses on Shigaraki Tomura and various people's opinions on whether or not he deserved to be saved. Horikoshi killing him and saving a new barely introduced character in his place seems like a negative answer from the author himself.

Then, again

Shigaraki's death, despite being confirmed by the characters, was not actually shown on screen, with Kurogiri being conveniently close by, very motivated to save him.

So what if the not-Tenko boy is indeed a red herring, whose purpose is to fool the audience for one last time?

Here are some random ideas how this can work:

• not-Tenko is actually Tenko, his memory is just fucked up. The boy's backstory is about being kept imprisoned by his family in the house against his will. Well isn't that awfully convenient, cause you know who else hated being in his house

• Tenko is not the new boy, but he is alive, out there somewhere. Healing, being taken care of by Kurogiri, possibly trying learn using his new quirk. Watching his name being dragged through the mud on the news everyday.

• Tenko reconstructed himself back from the dust wrong, as it was his first time using the new quirk. Maybe he had accidentally merged himself with Kurogiri. Maybe non-Tenko's memories that he shares are his damaged consciousness' rendition of Tenko's actual backstory. Maybe he decided to leave Japan forever and fucked off to America, who even knows, the author clearly doesn't so go wild with your imaginations

[aftgphoenix]

How do you feel about Kevin ?

I'm not really sure what you are looking for, anon, so here's a random jumble of thoughts that I hope makes some sort of sense. Thank you so much for the ask!

I think he's such an interesting character and one that I wish we could learn more about. I would love to learn more about his childhood with his mom and then his experiences at the Nest! I wonder if Kayleigh was a good mom, if she spent a lot of time with Kevin, if she let him explore other interests aside from exy. Imagine little Kevin dragging his Mom through different historical sites as they travel around the world for exy! Once Kevin's in the Nest, I keep thinking about Riko and how his friendship with Kevin developed into them being "brothers" and Kevin being Riko's pet. Imagine the slow slide as Riko let his sadistic side grow. I think it probably got noticeable worse when Jean arrived but I imagine it was already bad before then.

With what we do know, though, I think he's hiding a boatload of trauma that he'll likely keep repressing as long as he can until everything implodes. I would love to see him really start working through that in his fourth and fifth years with the foxes with Betsy. Actually, that would be a super cool fic to read! If anyone knows of any/writes one, please let me know!

His growth in the series was really cool to read too. He is still learning how to be his own person with his own thoughts, interests, and personality. He's learning how to be brave and to take a stand against his abusers. He's learning how to overcome the cult mindset from the Nest and he's learning to let Riko go. He's learning how to live a life with more than just exy and to care for others in a way that wasn't allowed in the Nest. He will always be connected to exy, but I think even if he had been raised in a healthy place, he still would have been exy-obsessed. I mean, his mom created the game and his dad is an exy coach (and presumably a really good player prior to that).

I hope he's able to find healthier ways to cope than getting drunk. He deserves so much better than that. (On a side note, my husband's family has struggled with alcoholism and it isn't fun at all. It tears apart families and can cause a lot of negative impact on the kids, even without an abusive aspect.) I understand why he does it, though, because I can't imagine having to live with the memories he does. I mean, watching Nathan kill that man would be traumatic enough but Kevin has seen so much more than that and I know it haunts him.

Unpopular opinion, I know, but I also like him with Thea. I like the idea of him falling in love with someone who isn't very familiar with exy but I just don't think that's very likely to happen. Instead, I like to imagine that he and Thea get a boatload of therapy and rekindle their relationship, first as friends, relearning about each other, then moving into a romantic relationship while they process the absolute horrendousness that the Nest's sexual culture was (what do you mean Riko was in the room? Yikes!!!). 

He's definitely one of my top favorite characters (but let's be real, I have about twenty favorite aftg characters). I love reading fics about him! Hopefully this makes sense and maybe answers your question? Either way, I had a lot of fun writing this all out! I love getting asks, so thank you!!!

[ewesless]

Quick little thing! No, I was wrong. It became a Very Long Thing...

We know that Diavolo is operating at an entirely different frequency and level of energy from Barbatos and Lucifer and it isn't just because he's a touch starved extrovert with repressed introverts for parental figures friends.* But he might be 18-21.... As a person from the early 90's this is a traumatic realization. I thought he was an early 30s year old manchild to be quite honest.

*love your takes so so so freaking much RadArchives 😭

Utilizes canon compliant relationship dynamics and Diavolo's Lucifer complex. Luke is aged up to cope with fanservice not facilitate it.

I interpreted it as Diavolo was between 10-13 when Barbatos agreed to be his Butler. OM indicates it was 800 years before Barbatos quit feeling angry at Diavolo for the incident (he was teasing). 10,000 is equal to 10 years, so based off my estimate Diavolo would be 18-21. Unless it was 800 plus years then, since Barbatos had time to cool off which would be much more comfortable to me 😂

The canon chronological ages are vague in order for players to have freedom (dads and mom coded old as dirt option through to bratty youngest brother who seems like an angsty and rebellious teen) so just for reference these are the ages I use:

Solomon - 34 (right there in the middle of adulthood and an older brother age bracket with Diavolo. Asmo is robbing his own cradle!)

Simeon - 40 (peers with Lucifer and they are only a few months apart! Perfect adoptive/group dad age of being mature and comforting without being old-old 😭)

Luke - 16 (Again, comfort level. He's a bratty tween, but I can't tolerate the fanservice with him as a 10 year old at all. 16 is a nice middle ground between emotionally charged, discovering self and independence, "I'm grown!" and the complex realities of the world. Him developing THOSE FRUSTRATING AND CONFUSING NEW FEEEEEEELINNNNNNGS are tolerable as well.)

Barbatos - 42 (the answer to life and everything. I'd place him closer to 60 as a foxy and wicked classy grandma older woman gentleman, but he looks like a pretty, young 30-something so this fits the bill. This also goes into my headcanon that Father made him before the angels and long before humanity.)

Diavolo - 33 (an out of touch with the youth and his peers, but still a youthful soul + gap moe)

Belphie and Beel - 25 (still young enough to do underdeveloped maturity and be doted upon baby brothers, but grown enough that they aren't actually immature and know better they just haven't put the effort into developing impulse control and practicing good judgement)

Asmodeus - 27 (pretty and passes easily for 23 but can hook up with the MILFs and DILFs as well as the young 20s. He's young, but not afraid of becoming older, not just because he's beauty everlasting and that skincare routine is ✨️flawless✨️ but because he sees the beauty and attractiveness of maturity and himself)

Satan - 23 (Personal Favorite + Occultic Number! Even though he's as old as Lucifer I feel like he was born at the age that Lucifer was created for additional headcanon reasons.)

Leviathan - 31 (*scoff* "Look at this old loser with a failure to thrive and manchild tendencies" says an old loser with a failure to thrive and the same tendencies)

Mammon - 32 (okay, this would go on for more than a paragraph or few run on sentences 🤣)

Lucifer - THE BIG 40 (caught up between older than the others brother who had to grow up too fast and never got to be young / middle aged surrogate father figure of a house full of rebellious teenaged adopted kids that never got to have his experimental young adult phase...)

Thirteen is a sensitive, trendy young woman so we DON'T ASK THESE QUESTIONS 35 I like an age gap with my ladies~ Candy is 39 (because 4 is associated with death in Japanese and I have a 4 year age gap with my sister which was a perfect combination of generational difference + ability to rebel from the older sibling, angst about idolization and knowing you aren't the same, but aren't meant to be. There's the possibility of strife caused by disappointment(s)/fallen idol for Thirteen and for Candy the pressure of the expectations of parents as first born and the care, protectiveness and responsibility of older sibling for their younger sibling. They're able to rely on each other even though Thirteen is a wild woman antisocial ambivert with a strong personality and even stronger opinions whereas Candy seems like a serious and violently antisocial introvert who conforms and does what she's expected to in all areas of life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL US WHAT CAUSED THE SCHISM BETWEEN THEM. WHAT HAPPENED WRITERS? WHAT HAPPENED?)

Mephistopheles - 31/35 (I like the idea of him having an age gap of 2 years with Diavolo either as a more mature junior to senior or a senpai who won't notice him because his eyes are set on a raven haired beauty with eyes like firy rubies that is also a heavily overworked deskworker with difficult teen boys and an involuntarily in a fatherly role for Diavolo too.)

Raphael - 39 (One year the junior of Lucifer and Simeon. Because he never rebelled I thought it had something to do with him being a degree separated from Sime and Lucy to Father, but still being close enough to him to be the devoted, but the most conflicted about it, son.)

Michael - 40 (Either he was created before Simeon and Lucifer or after them. He's got something seriously suspicious going on. I feel that it parallels Diavolo's, but instead of a hopeful vision for the future and further developing what his father started Michael's is in a self-serving manner and his personal agenda is founded on the self-perception that he knows better than his Father.)

[hajihiko]

Ahhh, I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I'm curious to know what changed Hajime/Izuru's mind in the universe your art takes place in? Like, what made him go from not caring about anything because everything was boring and meaningless, to trying to enjoy life?

I don't really remember what it was in the anime, but it was probably hope. And like, that makes sense if you think about it, considering that's the definition of hope, but hope doesn't usually just happen like that, you know? Especially not to someone who probably had never felt it since the whole Ultimate Hope thing (ironically). In my mind, it's hard to imagine what it could have been, considering nothing ever phased him. I know that whatever gave him hope doesn't have to be that deep, because that's how it is sometimes, but I was wondering what you think it could have been (or more importantly, what you consider it to be in your art)!

Also, this is kinda unrelated, but I find it so cool how much your art makes me really think about the characters. It's amazing how you're able to really see how you've fleshed out the characters through you art, and honestly, you are probably one of my favourite artists because of it.

But anyway, sorry about this long and random rant 😭 Idk why I spend my time analyzing the character and point of view of fictional characters, but I guess sometimes the ADHD brain goes brrrrrr.

Thank you for sharing your art; I hope have a great day or night!

depends on the universe! But I'll assume you mean my general post-game stuff.

I've said it somewhere before so if it's old bread to you bear with me, but basically, it was a genuine dedication to face the big horrible awful feelings that come with trauma and life in general, and also the brain boost of getting to skip the slow growing part even for just a while.

My idea is that Izuru and Hajime are not two separate identities, rather, an amnesiac and horribly traumatized boy was given a moniker he didn't care to accept or deny. It's not like he had any other name to go by. That was Izuru Kamukura.

The brain has these neural pathways of how it responds to things, and his all got burnt out so he could respond with an appropriate talent each time. As a very simplified example, someone might respon to threat with the Flight response, because it worked in a dire situation and the brain decided "that saved us, this is how we will respond from now on".

Hajime, in the game, gets a sudden bump out of those pathways, enabling him to feel things properly and be fully present in his life. Thematically, the big Super Sayian moment is him deciding to not fall into old, but true and tried, brain patterns, and instead taking on the horrific experience of being human, with all the messy Emotions and Failures that comes with it.

When he wakes up from the game, he still struggles, but the artificial boost from his old thinking as well as a conscious, strenuous, painful effort to not repress himself anymore but instead face the things that he did and were done to him, make him able to carve himself into a new Him.

Not the same, in the sense that WHO could say they're the same as they were before a simulated murder game that revealed that you were a killing machine terrorist and so were your friends. But the same as in, he's Hajime Hinata and he decides what exactly that means. To want is an emotion, and he wants to become someone who can experience life fully, and chasing that single feeling of Want opens up the doors to everything else. You might've heard this before but "before you change, you have to want to change".

So in short. What enabled him to get Hopeful so to speak was the combination of a brain kick (you could call that a metaphor for outside help), and a concrete decision to try to do the difficult but right thing. Sounds kind of boring maybe, but everything else comes later - like his interest and care for his friends, an enjoyment of philosophy and the arts, a pleasure from being useful and helpful, a serenity from accepting things as they are, and a thrill that comes with strong genuine emotion (from my own life, sometimes a single moment of !!!! can carry you on for months).

Yes the whole thing is a metaphor for getting better with mental health stuff. It's personal to me okay 😂

(also I like the idea from Miggys fic that his human connections override the apathy and distance so as long as he's around the people he loves he can hold onto what keeps him going)

I love thinking about and building on characters too! Spending tons of time inspecting them like a specimen 🤝 people (and therefore characters) are very interesting to me so I just like rolling them around my brain. Thank you for your interest and kind words!

[raemanzu]

Okay, story time, containing awkwardness of the closeted queer nerd variety. And the dangers of using weird passwords.

Picture this common frustration: I have been locked out of an important online account.

No, I don't remember what kind of account. It might have been an online banking account. Now I'm thinking it was probably my car insurance.

In any case. All I remember is that it was something very financially significant, and I NEEDED to get into that account, so I could pay an important bill or something, something time-sensitive.

Stress was high. I did not have very much money and did NOT want Collections to be called. I was also a very young adult.

This was back in the early 2010s at the latest. I had only lived outside of my childhood home for a year or three at most. In my outer life I was a quiet modest Mormon girl coping with living in a New Scary Liberal Place, insistent that I was definitely Not A Lesbian and had not left Utah because of being in love with my best friend, definitely not, we were just good friends.

And in my inner life I was an extremely confused repressed queer ace nonbinary person doing very whacky gay chat roleplays with my future QPP, who I was now living with at their parents' house, featuring many anime and JRPG-inspired OCs with various complicated relationships with sexuality or lack thereof, including some intersex boys who were basically sex slaves to a bunch of royal women.

What does all this have to do with getting locked out of my account?

Well, there was a moment when I called the customer help line hoping someone could get my account unlocked, and the guy on the other end asked me what my password was.

"Oh. Um." I paused for what felt like an embarrassingly long amount of time. I had a habit of using names or features of my OCs combined loosely with L337 speak to help me come up with unique but memorable passwords. "Uhhh, I'll just spell it. So it's the numeral zero. Capital W… lowercase o… m… e.. n…"

At this point my face is starting to get kind of hot.

"Number 4… m..e…" I finish in an awkward laugh.

"Okay, so just to check, it's 0, Women with a capital W, 4, me?"

"Yeah," I laugh again, realizing that the likelihood of the average person having at least one question about that password and what led to it, is pretty high actually. In my flustered state I may have even rushed to try and awkwardly explain "it's an inside joke!"

BUUut if I said that much, I hope I stopped at that point, instead of regaling this random man with even a brief summary of the story of a traumatized sex slave who was desperately afraid of being forced to please royal women in bed. (hmm I wonder if there are POSSIBLY any PARALLELS between this idea and my asexual nightmares about being forced to temple-marry a random dude… lol).

I'm not sure I DID actually stop there though because I'm the kind of socially awkward nerd who sometimes infodumps that kind of thing, like a missionary wanting everyone to hear the good news of My Amazing OCs which definitely are just quirky because I'm So Creative, they have nothing to do with my Inner Identity Crisis. Even more so back then. (I'm a TINY bit more self aware now).

I don't remember what the guy said, if anything. But I was dying inside, wondering if this random man was constructing an entire narrative in his head around this poor technologically challenged closet lesbian. I may have even said that I had "moved in with my best friend" when I gave my updated address, because this account was based in Utah rather than Washington. Which is even more incriminating.

In any case, some part of my brain was convinced he was onto me.

Because I just had to go and use a weird awkward in-joke as a password.

Luckily, he didn't ask any more questions (out loud). Maybe he forgot about it all right away. I got access to my account restored, and immediately changed my password to something safe and completely indecipherable.

But yeah, 10+ years later, me and Cal still laugh about the 0Women4me incident. Still definitely not a lesbian, but for different much more queer reasons.

[candyskiez]

i would love to hear more of ur thoughts about ???%… specifically surrounding teru cause it’s been on my mind lately

OHOHOHOHO you've awoken the beast. I am so sorry. I will specify. I love Teru. I love Teru so much. This makes it sound like I don't like Teru. I really like Teru. I am writing about ???%'s thoughts. I am studying him under a microscope. None of this is how I personally feel about Teru. Do not kill me. Please do not kill me.

I'm admittedly biased towards plural mob because. System. But I did write this with both plural mob and ???% as the repressed parts of Mob, so feel free to read it as metaphorical or Guy In Mobs Brain.

So. I've been thinking a lot lately about how Teru strangling Mob could've easily been the first time he almost died. Like. I don't think he almost died in that incident when they were kids, and I think Reigen would not be nearly as relaxed on jobs if he thought Mob would die. We've seen how he is when Mob's in any amount of what he considers to be serious danger. So I feel like it's very, very important to remember that when talking about how ???% reacts to Teru. ???% does not react to the literal terrorists as much as he reacts to Teru, because Teru was the first and one of the most personal.

I say most personal because well. For the others it wasn't about him, it was about a goal. Teru was just...fighting him, in Mobs eyes. Teru was operating on his own insecurities. It wasn't some big conflict, it wasn't some epic anime fight, it was just about Teru's insecurities and need for Mob to not be a threat to him and to be Better than everyone else. It was just two kids fighting. I think a lot about why ???% holds onto this so so hard, and a few reasons I think he has are

1. The shit listed above

2. The fact that Mob wasn't doing anything to instigate, was in fact actively asking him to stop, doing ALL the "do not stick out, do no harm" shit that made Mob repress ???% so hard in the first place, and Teru still hurt him. Mob repressed him for no fucking reason because people would still hurt him anyway.

3. This very well could've been one of the few times ???% has came out at all in a long time. I'm not sure how often ???% would've gotten to come out since it seems for a while he just came out when Mob needed it/when Mob wasn't around to stop it. So like. First memory in years and it's this guy strangling you. Would leave a pretty big impression.

4. Teru never actually apologized. Like. WE know he's sorry. But Mob and ???%...didn't? Mob was willing to let it slide. But like...those repressed emotions are gonna go somewhere. Mob might not want to think about it, but that event was traumatic for everyone involved. They almost died and Teru had his entire world view torn apart, got thrown into the SKY, and had to piece everything together lol over again. Like. ???% depending on your view point is Mobs repressed emotions or someone that literally formed to hold his repressed memories (save me plural mob, save me). ???% admits in the manga he doesn't trust anyone. How many times did he feel unsafe around him and wasn't able to do anything, because Mob liked him? Because mob cared about him and knew he changed, so it'd be unfair to bring it up, and besides HES the one who really hurt Teru, so it's fine! It's fine. <- Boy who isn't fine. How much was ???% just waiting for Teru to turn around and attack them again?

5. This also leads into my next thought: lack of agency. Some of these points will be less applicable if you don't view him as plural, but I think some of them still definitely work if you think of him as Mob but to the left: he feels like he didn't get a say in whether not they'd be close with Teru, he feels like Teru just Decided they were friends and didn't even acknowledge what happened and now he can't mention it or ask if he's actually changed or if he's even sorry because then he'll be an asshole so he just HAS to be quiet regardless of how he feels about it. He feels like everyone just decided Teru was SO good now and didn't even ask him how HE felt about it. He feels like Teru's moved on and just FINE, like he didn't almost fucking die. Actually I think almost all of this works if you don't view him as plural. Yippee I'm not accidentally alienating anyone here.

6. No seriously. Teru didn't apologize. Did ???% almost come out a few times at being around Teru. Did Mob get scared by Teru reaching towards him and ???% started to surface. How many times.

Okay okay. Now onto confession arc. I'm thinking about why he acted the way he did and like. He wanted to hurt him so bad. And it's so damn raw. Like. Teru is repeating the lesson Mob taught him, genuinely trying to help, but from ???%'s perspective it feels like a fucking joke. Teru almost killed him. Teru acted not even that different for YEARS, and he gets a slap on the wrist. But ???% messes up once and he's punished, for years? But Teru doesn't even have to apologize? Teru doesn't even have to try to get forgiven? But ???% was dutifully silent for four years. And he's still hated. I feel like that was kind of the point where ???% became WAY more destructive which. Very interesting. He went from "I need to see Tsumobi" to "I want to hurt this person." Also I'm thinking about how strongly he reacted to being told it was for his own good, that Tsumobi shouldn't see him like this, to calm down like. Okay. There's no way he hasn't heard all of that a million times. Like obviously I love it from a plural perspective but I'm gonna go into ???% is an allegory for a sec. Being told that you need to mask for your own good, that they just totally have your best interests at heart and that's why they never want to hear you complain or look upset or even slightly lose control of yourself or act even slightly abnormal. Let alone the fact ???% believes HES the real Shigeo. In his eyes being told to calm down and act like Mob again is being told to stop existing. He's being told to calm down the first time in YEARS he's let any of this out. And like. Tsumobi shouldn't see you like this. In his mind that's being told "Tsumobi shouldn't see YOU. People shouldn't see you. You're not desirable. People don't want to look at you. Just go away. Just be normal. Just be quiet. Calm down. Stop making such a scene. Get a clue." And that's obviously not how Teru meant it and ???% is doing serious damage, but like. He's having a breakdown. He seems calm in the mind scape, but he is Not Fucking Calm. He's having a breakdown. He feels so goddamn rejected by everyone and he's chasing the one good memory he got to make as ???%, not Mob. Which like. God from an autism or a plural perspective hits me so fucking hard. I remember being a kid and clinging on way too hard to my only friend because she didn't mind me acting autistic and getting so so terrified when she started drifting away from me. Watching it just feels like watching kid me panic because the only person who doesn't hate him isn't hanging out with him anymore. Being plural and autistic means this show will kill you. Anyways. What I'm saying is Teru basically took a mallet to every single one of ???%'s buttons and he took that Personally.

I'm gonna can it here because if I don't I'll never shut up. But I love Teru and ???%'s dynamic. So much. I love it. I have so many more thoughts on it, plural and non plural. You have no idea how much it's paining me to can it here. This fucking show, man.

[warrior-cats-rewritten]

o yea. i saw u reblogged rock & midnight. how r they in ur rewrite ? :3

Glad you asked!

For simple fun things, Midnight is huge because I like the giant badgers. Rock is also gay.

I'll put Midnight in the second post. You've hit Lore Jackpot.

For the more complex things... Let's start with Rock. A bit of Rock's dialog from PO3 intrigued me and I never quite let it go.

I know it was probably meant as a "ooughh immortality is awful" line but... What if it isn't?

What if he actually was cursed? Why else would a being that feels like this... Feel like this? This isn't an emotionless immortal creature rejecting Jayfeather out of coldness, this is a repressed, traumatized creature rejecting Jayfeather because he is seeing a newborn baby and a rotten corpse at the same time. He doesn't have access to Starclan, he cannot stay friends with Jayfeather after he inevitably dies. It'll only hurt. Also, there are heavy implications if not outright statements that Rock used to be a normal cat! He's even mentioned in Night Whispers to be scarred. (Look I know that the 2007 book that mentions 3 tribes and mentions that Rock's kin used to live around the lake isn't canon anymore but... Who cares. Its better worldbuilding than what we've got now.)

So... What could cause immortality like this?

I began to brainstorm, and decided it was a real tragedy. Something awful happened, something a certain young tom should have learned a lesson from... And didn't.

It was a gloomy day around the lakeside when a young couple, a gray and white tom named Rock who to swim and his new mate, a pure brown tom named Bug who loved to try herbs on wounds, to heal them. The two had been racing each other down the lakeside, laughing and playing, rushing through the autumn leaves and exploding out of the piles the had accumulated.

Bug, the more adventurous of the 2, had found a small opening. The scent of running water had made his curiosity burn. Rock nervously followed him, reminding him that they needed to get home at some point soon. Rock's mother, Falcon, had recently had 3 kits, and he needed to go and watch over them for her and his father, so they could hunt together.

Bug urged him on. "Come on Rocky!" He mewed, his eyes widening when it echoed. "This place is too cool to not explore a LITTLE! What if we can't find it again? Besides, we can bring back something for them all when we leave."

Rock couldn't argue with that! He leapt down after Bug, their tails twined together as they looked around. Rock's thick, fluffy fur was keeping him warm, though Bug, with his short fur, needed to huddle against his mate to keep warmer in the cold tunnels.

The tunnels did not seem to run deep, but soon enough Rock and Bug found themselves navigating using only their whiskers and tentative pawsteps. The tunnel took a sharp turn suddenly, enough that Rock nearly bumped his nose into the wall!

Bug laughed, and the wonderful, soft sound echoed. But... Soon after, another sound would very faintly echo through the tunnels.

Thunder.

"Oh, jeez, I didn't know it would rain. We should probably get back now."

How easy that sounded... The two toms rushed through the tunnels, their hearts beginning to pound as water filled the narrow rocky halls, Rock himself slipped over his own paws, landing into the water, the freezing water soaking into his thick fur immediately and chilling him to the bone.

"Rocky!" Bug had cried, but the water was picking up speed, dragging Rock down, deeper into the tunnel. Above, a hole in the ground had worn away, pouring more rainwater into the tunnels and providing a light.

The last thing Bug saw of Rock was his eyes glazed with terror as he slid away into the darkness, crying out for Bug...

Bug had kept going, managing to find another tunnel that lead straight outside into... Bright sunlight? Bug was soaked to bone, he had heard the crashing thunder just seconds ago...

Falcon stood outside the tunnel entrance, a deep glare on her face. "Where have you been?! It's been 2 days! And where is Rock?!"

"B... Bug? ... Where's Rock...?"

A few days later, Bug gathered himself, and would fling himself into the tunnels once more, the floor of them was as dry and bare as bleached bone. Not a single sign of the rain that had washed his lover away...

Bug searched, deeper and deeper, down the tunnel he could have sworn did not stretch that long.... Into a coldness that he swears he could feel in his very soul.

Down, at the very bottom chamber, lit by a shimmering white mossy rock, is Rock's body. His fur isn't soft anymore, it's cold and wet. His eyes, unblinking, stare into nothing. Bug begins to weep as the mossy rock that isn't a mossy rock sits up, striding over.

"I am sorry for your loss." A large, fluffy, pure white molly speaks. Her glossy fur shimmers, and her eyes, black as night, give nothing away. "It was his time."

"What do you mean 'it was his time'? He had a family! He has little siblings! His mother and father are broken hearted!"

"Everything has a time. It cannot be rewritten. Your time will come. Everything that has happened, is happening, will happen." She spoke without tone, her hollow voice echoing through the chamber. “I am time's keeper. The god of time. I have seen all that there is and has been and was. All is as it should be, as it ever was, as it always will be. Move forward, like time has, and you will be happy once more.”

Bug unsheathes his claws, he stares down at Rock, his sweet Rock, who had never harmed another cat in his life, had only ever been kind... Why him? Why not some other awful cat to drown this way in this awful place? "No." Is all he says, as he leaps at the ethereal molly, slashing her throat. Sparkling blue blood covers Bug, the molly doesn't even so much as flinch.

"You will regret this, little one. Time needs a keeper. It will never be your time. You cannot change what has been written."

The god of Time dies, and Bug finds himself lifted into the air. All at once he sees what has been, could be, should be, will be, and is. His fur begins to streak gray from the stress and strain, his eyes turning pure white. He rushes to Rock, crying out softly for him to wake up, that he has power over time, there must be a way to fix this... To turn back time....

But the molly had told him already. He is the god of Time, not its warden.

He repeats his beloved's name to not lose his mind. He cannot leave the tunnels. Time stretches on and he realizes what the old god had meant. He ages, seasons pass. Heat and ice and rain and young cats and sticks and crying parents and terrible storms and so, so much emptiness.

He repeats Rock's name to remember it. His lover's bones long since crumbled to dust and to nothing. Over and over, and over.

Without seeing him, a tiny gray tabby picks up the stick he guards, the very last one. He senses the cat in front of him, and says hello without fear. The kitten, Jaykitpawfeather states his current name, not yet aware of how it will change. He asks for the name of the god of Time.

In an old, creaking voice, he stammers out the only name he can remember.

[16woodsequ]

NOT THE CABIN!!!!

your first headcanon is my canon because from agents of shield it sounds like steve lived in the cabin soon after he came out of the ice, and by the time the battle of new york comes around it's already been a year. he must have felt so lost and unwanted and abandoned when they took him to a place like that 😭

steve being stressed out when he meets the avengers because he doesn't want to be forced back to the cabin oh my god. i have to think about this nonstop for the rest of the year i look forward to rejoining society in 2025

the fact that shield/hydra had this cabin as well as that armoured van with supersoldier-sized shackles is so unsettling AAHH

(response to this post)

HEHEHEHE When I tell you I cackled getting this ask, because I love spreading Steve-cabin angst!!

I agree! It does sound like Steve went to the cabin soon after the ice. (Although I headcanon that Avengers was actually very soon after Steve woke up, I know the wake up scene was in a movie released in 2011 and the movies are supposed to happen when they were released, but in some of the deleted scenes for Avengers Steve is confused about wi-fi and he's looking over files of the dead Howling Commandos and his apartment is so bare, and just the way he acts like he hasn't been out for long, I tend to headcanon Avengers is soon after he came out of this ice. But! That doesn't really change the cabin headcanon, besides shoving two traumatic things closer together.)

Either way I think the cabin has a huge impact on Steve in Avengers. I think it's part of why he acts the way he does, and why he's repressing everything so much and playing the role of Captain America Super Soldier. Is it no wonder Steve reactions to Coulson's death the way he does? Tony is visibly upset and lashes out because he thinks Steve is acting like he should brush it off because their soldiers (Is this the first time you've lost a soldier? We're not soldiers) but I think Steve was equally effected, especially since Fury threw the bloody baseball cards in as a further emotional barb. But Steve keeps everything inside. He keeps it all locked down, and I have got to believe it's partially due to his experience with the cabin and whatever kind of twisted mental health screening he got from SHIELD after coming out of the ice.

He's not about to give anyone any more reason to send him back to the cabin to help him adjust to the future. I think that cabin had a profound impact on Steve's willingness to reach out to people and I think it made him reflexively cling to the only other option he was presented with: SHIELD. Which is exactly what SHIELDRA wanted.

Anyway, if you want an in depth look at cabin angst, I just finished a fic about it: Ice and Empty Spaces. Eventually this will lead to a Tony and Steve friendship, but first, angst.