#very messy writing past md

[bluepallilworld]

Picking up Sleeping Diary feels very weird

[zepskies]

Hello hun! 😊

Okay, since I'm still on hold up here 🙈, I thought I send you a question.

How do you find a plot for your storys? What get's your inspiration going or what does spark you to make it a WIP?

So interested to hear how it works for you. 😁

Hey there, lovely!! 💜

Aww still waiting on Tracker to come out for you, huh? Almost there, right? 😅

But thank you for this question! The lovely @luci-in-trenchcoats asked me a similar one not too long ago in this ask, so my answer will be similar on some things.

⚡ Getting inspiration for stories:

Initially, my imagination always gets sparked by the "What If" question. Here are a few examples:

"What if Soldier Boy could be redeemed?" (Break Me Down - Soldier Boy x Reader)

"What if Dean Winchester had a Latina girlfriend?" (Midnight Espresso - Dean x Plus-sized Latina!Reader)

"What if Dean was a firefighter?" (Smoke Eater - Firefighter!Dean x Reader)

"What if Dean met his soulmate in season 1?" (Never Say Goodbye - Dean x Soulmate!Reader)

"What if Russell Shaw set his sights on his sister's best friend?" (Every Second Counts - Russell Shaw x Reader)

"What if you had a messy past you were running from, just like the new sheriff in town?" (Take Me Home - Beau Arlen x Reader)

You get the idea. 😂

✍🏽 Developing the plot:

After that, where I draw ideas for the plot depends on the kind of story I'm writing. And for that, I'm a big advocate of:

"Write what you know."

"Write what you can research."

"Write what you're interested in."

"Write what you've never tried to do before (but may secretly want to)."

Again, a couple of examples...

Break Me Down:

With BMD, I already had a loose concept in Checkerboard, with the reader working surveillance at Supe Affairs. It would paint her and Soldier Boy (Ben) as enemies from the start. "Enemies to lovers" was a trope I had never written before, but I thought it was a fun challenge, besides the obvious one of attempting to "redeem" Soldier Boy lol.

In general, I'm a sucker for the gruff, devil-may-care, rough exterior guy who only becomes soft for his girl. 😂

More practically though, I drew from the source material a bit for the Black Noir twist (the comics), and also from my love of Smallville for some of the superhero plot aspects. I also knew that if the reader was going to eventually give Ben a chance and see the humanity underneath, she would need time to do it. So what better way than with an accidental kidnapping? 😅

And somehow it became this quasi- Beauty & the Beast storyline that developed into Ben and the reader saving one another, in more ways than one. 💚

Smoke Eater:

With this story, I had several influences that helped me develop the plot. I have a deep and abiding love for cop and medical procedurals like Law & Order, House MD, and Chicago PD, but also for Chicago Fire in particular. (Also my uncle was a firefighter.) That helped me create Firehouse 25 and decide which canon characters I wanted to pull into the narrative.

It was my first ever full AU as well, so I drew a lot from the SPN canon S1-2 storyline to create the overarching murder mystery/the string of arsons. I was also very much impacted from stories my friends had told me of their experiences with sexual harassment, which is unfortunately where the Nick storyline came in.

And I actually drew a lot from my own experience with grief and loss in that story. Specifically in the challenges the reader faces with her family (with Dean's help). I wasn't conscious of it at the time, but after I wrote the initial drafts and started editing each chapter, I realized just where I was drawing from for that storyline. 💙

All that to say, that's a snapshot into my process from ideation to plotting! It's not always easy when you hit those difficult beats in a story, whether it's grief and loss, trauma and PSTD, or just the difficulties of making complex plot lines connect.

But overall, I do my best to have fun. If I'm not having fun, then why am I writing? 😘

Anyway. 😂 Thank you so much for this question, my friend! @jessjad I'm pretty sure this is way more than you wanted to hear, but I so appreciate you for asking about my writing process! 💗

[weallwantabetterlife]

As she stood in front of her 5th-grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy, and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant.

It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's, and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around.."

His second-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness, and life at home must be a struggle."

His third-grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."

Teddy's fourth-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper That he got from a grocery bag Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume.. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets.."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling* her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.

Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for* believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist Hospital in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)

Warm someone's heart today. . . pass this along. I love this story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference in someone's life today? tomorrow? Just "do it".

Random acts of kindness, I think they call it?

"Believe in Angels, then return the favor."

#beautiful #mother #dad #friend #dream #love #happy #family #grateful #god #jesus #believe #coffee #freedom #veteran #HolySpirit #laughter #bible #prayer #Christmas #USA #SantaClaus #blessed #usmc #usaf #usnavy #usarmy #uscoastguard #salvation #peace

[marty101sblog]

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant.

It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around.."

His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."

His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper That he got from a grocery bag Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume.. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets.."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling* her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.

Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for* believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist Hospital in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)

Warm someone's heart today. . . pass this along. I love this story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference in someone's life today? tomorrow? Just "do it".

Random acts of kindness, I think they call it?

"Believe in Angels, then return the favor."

[mdwatchestv]

Best of 2019: A Year in Review

2019 was a hard fucking year. It was long, and weird, and filled with bullshit. I usually like to keep it light and frothy, but I’m going to scrape off the foam and get real for a second. I have had a very difficult past couple of years, but this blog allowed me to stay connected to an activity I enjoyed. Writing to you all every month has been an anchor, a little beacon that’s lit the way while I’ve searched for my path in the dark. So if you read my blog this year, in any capacity, whether as a supportive friend, curious stranger, or schadenfreude seeking acquaintance, I want to thank you. It really means a lot to me that you are here. 

ANYWAY the best television of 2019 was also deeply personal, sometimes devastatingly so. I didn’t watch everything I should have, or meant to, and god knows I jumped a lot of ships when the waters started to get too choppy (Years and Years, I will come back to you one day). Of everything I watched this year (reminder there were 500+ original shows and I have only seen two episodes of Watchmen SORRY)  here is the very best: 

Fleabag Season 2 - Amazon Prime

The first season of Fleabag felt like jumping into ice water, a refreshing shock to the system. Season 2 felt like falling in love. There is not a lot to say about season 2 that has not been said already: the genius of the opening dinner scene, the hotness of the priest, the chicness of the jumpsuit. Uproariously funny, deeply confessional, wrenchingly painful - it was literally perfect.

Pen15 - Hulu

It’s not every day that someone makes a documentary of your own stupid life and then just puts it on a streaming service for EVERYONE to see. Maybe letting women make content was a mistake after all because if this is what seeing yourself truthfully represented in media feels like, I’m not sure I like it. Even this gif is a personal attack. 

Russian Doll - Netflix

A genre-bending exploration of trauma, humanity, and birthdays, Russian Doll was big, messy, and often imperfect - but then again so is life (and death). When all the pieces came together Russian Doll hit as hard as an air conditioner plummeting from the sixth story. It also provided 2019 with the perfect soundtrack in Harry Nilsson’s ‘Gotta Get Up’ and primed us all for a year of existential disappointment. Thanks Nat!

Love Island - ITV2

Because it’s the TRUTH, Maura. Look there are only two types of people in this world: those who have seen Love Island, and those who have not. If you are judging this entry, or raising your eyebrows, or thinking I have hit my head very hard (perhaps on a plummeting air conditioner), then you have simply not yet visited the island. I clocked 90+ hours in the villa this year,  and that alone deems it worthy of inclusion. “But Martha maybe you would have had time to watch Succession if you didn’t watch a reality show about sexy idiots” Maybe, but we’ll simply never know. Reminder- Love Island Winter premieres Jan 1st.

Veep- HBO

Probably the last time we will laugh about politics for a long...long...time. This show was never as good without Iannucci, but JLD consistently turned in one of the all time best performances ever, in a comedy or otherwise. Veep was as sharp and funny as a shank in the gut, and the television landscape will be poorer without it. I will miss this merry band of  deeply relatable sycophants and psychopaths. Amy and Dan forever!

Wow, 2019 was really the year of the female-driven half hour huh! Anyway here are some:

HONORABLE MENTIONS: 

Broad City (Comedy Central) - The best of best friends signed off forever in a pitch perfect finale.

Shrill (Hulu) - Aidy Bryant showed us she was more than a comic relief in this adaptation of Lindy West’s memoir.

The Crown (Netflix) - The UK has the very best actors and there is simply nothing to be done about it

The Good Place (NBC)- The best comedy about philosophy turned out to be just a wrapper for one of the year’s best love stories.

And there we have it 2019 done. Turns out I didn’t finish a ton of dramas - oops! Sorry Chernobyl and When They See Us! I was not in a place to receive information that could hurt me.  There’s always next year. 

Love you, mean it

XO 

MD

[julietyoo]

I did it.

It’s only the beginning but I did what I set to do. It took many years, but I finally completed it. I’m still afraid and uncertain, but I want to try. Despite many horror stories of teachers’ first year(s), I want to try. And then, we’ll look back and cry-and then maybe laugh. 

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant.It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around.."

His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."

His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper That he got from a grocery bag Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume.. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets.."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling* her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.

Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for* believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist Hospital in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)Warm someone's heart today. . . pass this along. I love this story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference in someone's life today? tomorrow? Just "do it".Random acts of kindness, I think they call it?

[mds-babygirl-13]

Epiphany? Turning Point?

It seems fitting that a year ago was when this all started to begin and yet here we are a year later and it feels like we’ve found a new beginning all over again. I should probably start at the beginning, but it would take too long to get to this part which is the part I really want to share and actually ties into our little corner of tumblr.

@mastershim69 also lovingly referred to as My Daddy, or Magic Dick (MD) when I’m feeling froggy, and I could have never predicted we’d be here a year ago. Hell, we couldn’t have predicted we’d be in a serious relationship a year ago. Yet here we are, stumbling along in the world of D/s and DD together. We’ve had our fair share of stumbles and failures. We’ve had our fair share of poor communication. But we’ve also had our fair share of epiphanies and turning points. Of glorious satisfaction and enjoyment.

Last night we had another epiphany. It’s funny because I don’t think either of us really thought or felt that anything was lacking. It started with MD “asking” me to go for a walk. Mind you I’ve been stupid sick the last 4-5 days and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was take a walk. I knew he wasn’t really asking. I protested a bit. He knew I was capable and pushed despite my protests. Smiling a little at me letting me know my protest was futile. He told me to go put on pants and real shoes. I asked why I needed either. I was dressed totally appropriately to take a stroll. He said it’s a real walk, not a stroll. When I walked in the house to change I was met by my sister and one of our older children laughing. They looked at me and said how’s your protest going. I felt my cheeks flush and I asked what protest. They replied with, we hear you’re going for a walk. I said this is me going to change in protest.

As I walked up the stairs I realized he was taking some joy in my protest. He was also taking some joy in letting them know I was being made to do something I didn’t really want to do. It made me a bit reflective because I hadn’t noticed previously him taking any joy in my protests and it was a bit bold to let anyone see a glimpse of our dynamic. It’s not something that happens often. I often protest our shower rule. It’s probably one of our strictest rules? Not sure strictest is the right word. MD has a rule that we shower before going to bed. The only exceptions to the rule is if we stay inside literally the entire day, which never happens, and I get one day a year, my birthday, where I get to choose if I shower or not. I can count literally one time where he gave leniency on it. We came home late from a ball game and I nearly begged in exhaustion to take a shower in the morning with a promise to also wash all our linens the following day. I digress, the point is I protest it quite often with playful remarks of “this is me showering in protest”. While he sometimes laughs at me I hadn’t really ever thought he got any joy from my protests. I walked back down the stairs and out the door to shouts of enjoy your walk and giggles behind me.

When we started to walk he made a comment about finding my protest amusing. HE REALLY WAS FINDING JOY IN THIS. And he says he’s not a sadist. As we walked along he said I’ve been considering writing to @instructor144 . I was a bit surprised at first. I have reached out to @amysubmits a few times and he knew that. We listen to the podcast Over The Knee that Amy and @CynicalDom do together. We both follow 144, but I just never really gave it much thought that he’d want to reach out. I asked why and he said well we don’t really have a community here and I’m at this place where I don’t know that I’m doing what I should as your Dom. I just kind of want someone to talk it out with a bit. Now I was thoroughly confused because I am very happy in our dynamic and I feel he is too. Instead of immediately responding with all the reassurances I wanted to respond with, I just asked what is it you feel your not doing or not doing well? We talked the rest of the way and it boiled down to, at least in my head, that he felt he didn’t do enough. Sometimes tasks go unchecked or things become forgotten, but that’s only human. Especially when you have the tribe of children and bustling household that we do.

This is where I mention for those uninitiated, we have 8 children between the two of us; 5 of them live with us full time. My mother who suffers from a TBI also lives with us, as well as my youngest sister who is 18 and recently graduated high school last year. If this isn’t enough, he and I are also both Active Duty Air Force, and because I didn’t think I had enough going on in life, I founded my own 501c3 Animal Rescue that is run 100% of donations and volunteers. As you can probably gather, sometimes, things get lost in the shuffle. Unfortunately that includes our dynamic. We do the best we can within the limits of being human.

Despite giving him reminders and reassurances that I feel he does more than enough, especially within the busy life we live, I encouraged him to reach out, if that’s really what he felt he should do. I can’t help him with the Dom side of things because my brain just simply doesn’t work that way. He was worried that the response he would get back after reaching out might be critical. He said he wouldn’t be upset if it was as the only way to improve is with honesty, even if that means critical honesty. I reminded him that everyone has been new at some point, and the mere mention that he’s concerned it would be critical means he cares enough to be doing this whole messy dynamic the best way we know how and therefore I don’t think the response would be critical. Informative? Yes. Critical? No. He’s just simply not an asshat that deserves criticism. This is where we all need to remember that constructive feedback or criticism is different than being critical just because you can be.

As we got back to the house the conversation somehow took a turn. He offhandedly said to me, “You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to just call you up to our room.” I knew he could see my puzzled expression by the streetlights, and he said, “like the post you shared to me of Amy’s.” It clicked that he was referring to a post Amy made where CD had called her in to give him a blow job and then stopped her. I asked why he didn’t. I explained that I’d love if he did. He said to me with the sincerest of expressions, “You really would WANT to drop everything to come to me?” Without hesitation I said yes. I could feel my forehead crinkle. Not understanding how he didn’t already know this. I feel I’ve expressed it ten thousand times before. I watched him for a moment before trying to explain. I’m not sure you’ll ever truly understand but there is nothing that satiates me or provides me more pleasure than serving you. You giving me a direct way to do that provides all the warm and fuzzies. He smirked, “Taking a shower provides you warm and fuzzies and satiates you.” I retorted, “That’s not what I mean but yes. As much as I loathe taking a shower at night it’s a very clear representation of serving you. It makes YOU happy therefore even if I don’t like it in the moment I find fulfillment in it.”

The conversation really wasn’t much in the grand scheme of things. It didn’t feel much different than conversations we have had a million times over. Neither of us have ever lived in a dynamic. Before one another neither of us realized we even wanted to live in a dynamic such as this. When it first started I was convinced it was more for me than for him after all I was the one who brought it up. Over and over again, we’ve had nearly identical conversations with him asking me questions to try to determine what it is that I really am wanting. Something was different this time though, it was like this lightbulb of acceptance went off in his head that hadn’t previously. Like he couldn’t understand fully WHY dropping everything for him satiates me or why serving him in ways he sees fit brings me such fulfillment, but he accepted it.

Our conversation was interrupted by kids and family. We talked and joked with them for a while before he made a comment about heading to bed that I knew was also a way of telling me to prepare to go to bed without him saying such. We wrapped up our conversations and he doled out chores that needed to be finished to the kids before they turned in for the night. When we reached the bedroom we stripped as we always do and he turned on our white noise. Even though we do these things every night there was something different. You could feel it. He proceeded to use me in every way he saw fit. Not once did he stop to ask if I needed a break. When I collapsed from multiple orgasms my body giving out under his, he paused a moment to allow me to recover, but he didn’t stop. He told me things and asked me things he had never said before. He watched me drift in and out of euphoria and just kept pushing my limits, trusting in me fully that if we needed to stop I would speak up. He used me well past me being satiated and unable to cum even once more. He used me until HE was completely satiated. We collapsed in a heap with him stroking my hair and we both passed out, he awoke a little bit later and moved to turn out the lights and bundle us up together. He went and got a towel to cover the soaked part of the sheets I was sleeping on. I can’t remember if he kissed me good night or called me his good girl at that point or earlier as it all kind of melds together, but we fell back asleep with him holding me, me feeling totally fulfilled in pleasing and serving him, and him feeling totally fulfilled sexually and by seeing that my limits are for him to push.

We woke up this morning in a different place within our relationship. We can both feel it. It’s exciting and new and we don’t know what doors we’ve opened but we’re excited to find out. It seems that after a year perhaps we both now trust in the other to say Spinach. Time will tell.

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 4

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day91: I can’t post photos to the sister photo diary and it’s fucking me off. Using this as a place holder- last successful pic was 21/06/2020.

Day 92: Still awaiting Tumblr re: day 91′s entry. Meanwhile looking at other blog/diary sites. Very warm today, like it was throughout May. Boris announced a further relaxation in lockdown measures which includes reducing the 2m distancing instruction which paves the way for pubs, restaurants and other places to open on 4th  . It looks like the Ship will open 6th July, George on the 4th. I await to see the measures put in place before deciding whther it’s a goer.

Day93: Typing on day 94 - I received an email from Deryn from RCI HR concerning placement online module attendance, thanking me for my participation. I was somewhat confused. Was this a mistake or was I erroneously not icluded in the initial communications? I fired off an email to HR and WhatsApp’d Jim. He replied that I should take it up with HR.

I am worried by this. Furlough ends this week and I know not what the fuck is going on.

Day 94: Had a few beers last night, ‘cos I was feeling deflated over work. Finished Homecoming S2, which was very good, and cancelled Amazon Prime before the free trial ends tomorrow. Got up @midday but haven’t done jack shit today as my right ankle is playing up - it was twinging last night - apart from press ups. No word back from RCI but there was a notification that the email from Deryn was attempted to be recalled. Had a spat in Co-Op wth two lads who were ignoring the one way system and social-distancing. It makes my blood boil and I had to say something which ended up making my blood boil even more…especially as one of them asked me to ‘crack on’. It’s a pretty cool response actually, since I had them bang to rights but, at the time, I thought I was going to bust a blood vessel. I walked away having told him to not speak to me like that again and that he was a fucking arsehole! Didn’t make me feel any better though. Fog’s chatting later so I’m going to have a few beers right now (just gone 8pm) - I feel like throwing caution to the wind for some reason (probably work more than anything else).

Day 95: Typing on Day 96. I had a lot of beers with Fog the night before last and felt like shit all day yesterday. Still managed to drag myself up to Foggy’s and have socially distanced beers in his garden with Noel and Lord Irish of Michael.

Day 96: Feeling like shit. Third day of no walking ‘cos my ankle is a little sore although I did walk back from Foggy’s last night.

Day 97: Two walks and my usual stair climb today. Felt good to get back to routine. Plus, no booze yesterday, even tho’ it was a Saturday, feel better for it. I heard from Sue Cockings from HR on Friday, btw, still furloughed until further notice.

Day 98: I discovered, yesterday, that today is actually day 99 of lockdown since it actually begun on the Sunday evening that Boris Johnson announced the measures being in place - I mistakenly thought it began on the Monday. Tumblr still haven’t got back to me regarding reviewing why this blog is deemed ‘sensitive’ and I can’t add any more pics. While I am typing, Northampton are beating Exeter 0-2 at Wembley in the L2 play-off final. It’s funny that their fans can’t be there to see it. Football, in general, on its return after lockdown, without fans in attendance, is shit - like watching women’s football - too many empty seats.

Day 100: I have decided to number the days correctly (See prev’ entry). It’s a good time as I had to export , delete and recreate this blog on Tumblr since they have been non-forthcoming in my request for info as to why they deemed it ‘sensitive’. So, this is a restart, altrough seemless to the reader. On top of all that, I am writing this on Day 101! After restarting the blog diary I forgot to add the day’s entry! Bumped into Roger on my second walk, at the top of Basset Ford Place. We chatted for an hour or so. It was really good to see him and talk. We’ve made a promise to interact more...it seems both he and I allow ourselves to get down in the dumps (easy in self-isolation) and, as such, we shall try to reach out as and when. He suggested a walk together every now and then.

Day 101: I heard back from a charitable services company that Barry Haddon (who, coincidentally, I spoke with today) told me about (Auriga)and answered their email questions. BNarry rates them and told me they got him some decent results like he no longer has to pay Council Tax. I tweeted Chris Hawkes on Radio 6 this morning...he was asking for examples of sames names (’cos he had Dave Gorman on) so I told him about The Redlion and the ad the ‘other’ Tim put in the ET. He read it out! I created a photo album of 101 pics I’ve taken in lockdown and put it on FB including the Oundle Chatter group. The comments were great. My right eyesight is worrying, I cannot make out close up detail i.e. reading is blurred. I am going to start doing 10 press ups after each exercise i.e. three times a day. I decided that during my second walk so today I’ve done 20. Lastly, I have new neighbours I do believe. Hmmm.

Day 102: Emailed dad and Rita to have a rant about what dad thought of the Leicester lockdown and to share a link to my 101 photo album. Had a long Messenger chat with Rog.

Day 103: Typing this on day 104. Dad called when I was out ona  walk so we skyped when I got back. He looks really well! Advided me on how to cutt some branches that are hanging low (I asked him in the email yesterday). I then borrowed a saw, secateurs and green bin from Karen. I walked a long way today. My second walk was 9km.I then had loads of beers! The Co-Op car park seems to be the venue for youngsters to hang out. I was gone 2am before they finished partying. I (re)watched Steve Jobs. Wow....just wow. What a film and what a man!

Day 104: It was gone 1:30pm when I got up feeling the worse for wear. A chilli, chorizo and cheese omelette really sorted me out but no beer tonight. How my Saturday frame of mind has changed from just a few years ago. Elliot and Camilla dropped off a jar of japaenos (that Mil had WhatsApp’d me about) and, among other things, we chatted about a photo Tracie Garrett circulated featuring Ell, me her and a few others who met up to have a drink at The Haycock for Ron Gambling. In it was Cath and someone called Ross (who I don’t remember) who have both passed since the pic (July ‘99). I feel strangely saddened by it all. The pic itself is such a reminder of days past - it conjours up shit loads of different feelings.

Day 105: A few beers again last night so another late one (5ish) but up before noon. Finished watching a series called Condor. Pretty good - bit of a messy ending that is the norm with telly nowadays in that it is a little bit of a cliffhanger.

Day 106: The Ship reopened today. I left a nice message on the Virtual Pub group page wishing them the best plus said thanks to Rach. I think it will be the end of the laugh we’ve had on the virtual site now. I expect to go through a bit of a miserabel time with people now venturing out down the pubs.We were once all united in lockdown - that will no longer be the case. Met Rog for a walk - did over 7km oncluding through Barnwell Picnic Park - I don’t remember it being that pretty. defo going to go there again. Got an email from RCI asking for all furlough workers to join a Zoom meeting tomorrow with Paul (MD) and Deryn (HR). Ominous! Went shopping in Asda and Farm Foods. £100 with NO BOOZE!

Day 107: The zoom call today didn’t tell me much other than we are being furloughed still, until further notice. It was susggested that we have a zoom meeting every 2 weeks and that RCI recognise we’ve be left out in the cold somewhat. I appreciate that very much.There were 30 of us on the call plus Paul and Deryn were in the office since they had to make peopel redundant today. Mark was in the office earlier to take receivership of the IT kits from those that left.

Day 108: I am well on the way to doing 1,000,000 steps in theree months (July, August & September) but at what cost. I’ve done well over 11,000 steps each day in July (actually, a lot of days in June as well) apart from one (8k) and I am feeling it. My right leg/ankle is sore! Day 109: I had another mention by Chris Hawkins on Radio 6. He asked for Brian May moments - apparently when he met Brian May he was so starstruck that all he could say was ‘thank you for the music’. I tweeted my story of telling Felicity Kendall to have a good life. Today, both my walks have resulted in me getting fucking soaked. Hanna S2 is on Amazon Prime. Time for yet another free trial (number 4 or 5).

Day 110: I have walked 144,448 steps in 10 days, well on the way to a million steps in three months. The Heist of the Century - an Argentinian film based on true events - watched it last night (well, over two nights, actually). A real life Ocean’s Eleven (but with 6). Brilliant film, brilliat story. I had issues signing up to another Amazon Prime free trial last night so I set up another gmail a/c just now and I think I’m in. I used Danny’s Gmail (which I created over 15 years ago!) and it didn’t like it - I think I must have used it before. I reckon I have probably had loads more free trials than I care to remember. Anyway, off to watch me some Hanna!

Day 111: Very tired as I type. Bed at around 5am, up at 13:30, normal exercises, cleaning kitchen cupbaords and I’m done in. It’s 10:30pm now, just cracked open a beer and about to watch a new Netflix film “The Old Guard”. I would continue with Hanna but Amazon Prime keeps fucking erroring. I will try to go to bed before it gets light (which seems to be my w/e norm nowadays!

Day 112: I have got into the habit of eating dinner far too late. It’s 10:30pm as I type and I am just about to have something eat. I’m not sure why I feel it’s wrong to eat so late but I do, I shall be trying to address it. Late night again last night (gone 4:30am) so today was a lazy day. Only on ewalk but it was 10km and I get up the above 11,000 steps needed for the 1m challenge. My stair climb, at around 9pm, fucking killed.

Day 113: Boring Monday.

Finished watching The Old Guard on Netflix. A Highlander-esque affair with Charlize Theron kicking ass like she did in Atomic Blonde. It was OK. Haven’t manage to lick the late night eating. It’s 10:05pm and tea’s still cooking.

Day 114: I have been looking at planning persmissions on the ENDC site for questions posed on the Oundle Chatter group on FB. There’s going to be two sites with 130 new houses on each and it’s causing concern. And so it should - the planning docs are very revealing. Objections are dismissed in such an off-hand way. It’s really quite insulting. I was awfully down today, during my first walk. I mean, really despondant (too difficult to describe here), which is a lower version of the norm - it’s been a good couple of weeks since anyone’s even asked how I am! A week since that post on my main blog. But, I powered through and am back to the usual depth! I ate at @9:30 pm tonight. Told ya!

Day 115: I am typing this on Day 116 - I ended up hainga  couple of beers last night and forgot to post. I had the most ridiculous toing and froing on FB and Messenger with Rachel (Harris) - it was piss funny. She is the first person in days, actually weeks, who has asked how I am! I watched ep3 of Hanna S2. Absolutely superb. She kills Marissa! Did not see that fucker coming...mind blown! Day 116: I have finally finished the thorough clean of the kitchen. Fucking drama. I am typing at just gone 10pm, about to eat (curry I made yesterday). It’s been a strange day, timings wise, last night’s drinking meant I wasn’t up until just gone noon which obviously didn’t help. I had a call from DSM group - I applied for an IT tech role, they want to see me tomorrow (Friday) for an interview (in Sibson). Interesting! (Although the contact, Helen, hasn’t sent the promised email!)

Day 117: Despite not getting a confirmation email, I attended the interview at DSM. It went OK (I was there for 90 mins). I went booze shopping in Tesco’s afterwards. Spoke to dad today also - he and Rita are well, as usual! I am feeling really knackered and achy today. I do hope it’s not anything to worry about.

Day 118: Up at 1pm. 9.79 km walk. Cooking meatballs, drinking beer, listening to The Blaze about to watch Deepwater Horizon. All good today!

Day 119: Similar to yesterday, up late, bloody long walk, watching Saving Private Ryan (which I started last night).

Day 120: Typing on day 121. Received an email from someone that works at the BBC for Shaun Keaveny’s show - they want me to do small claims court on August 5th. I’m becoming obsessed with getting my steps in - my second walk was extended to round Barnwell Country Park - over 17.5k steps - not the most I’ve done in one day but, for example, most in one day last month (June) was 14.7k. More importantly, I am finding that I can walk further (and for longer) and not have a hypo; not a great deal further, but over an hour.

[babydollsmadd]

☁️ MaDD Tags Masterpost 🌙

Here is a master list of all the tags we use in the MaDD community. Please tag your posts correctly in order to avoid a messy & unclear feed! Suggestions and boosts are very much welcome. I’ll update this post as necessary.

5/7/19 - added “paramay” (sorry I’m late with this one)

💭 Tags to use: 💭

⭐️ maladaptive daydreaming / actuallymadd - The main tags to talk about MaDD specifically. Information, thoughts, resources, questions, all of that goes here. (Variations include: madd, actually madd, maladaptive daydreaming disorder, maladaptive daydreamer)

⭐️ paraportal - This is where all the posts about paras, characters, paracosms and worlds should go in order to keep the main tags clean. This includes writing, boards, poems, art, thoughts, ideas, etc, as long as it’s about paras & paracosms. (Variations include: para portal, madd boards, madd art)

⭐️ madd positivity / madd humor - Encouraging posts & general positivity around MaDD. This includes fun relatable content and memes.

⭐️ madd negativity / madd pains - This is the place for all the dark, painful and negative things that MaDD can cause. This sometimes includes memes.

⭐️ madd recovery / madd tips - Tips & tricks and inspiring words to help you overcome MaDD. Be careful with madd tips as there can be tips there to help you daydream, but in general it is about recovery.

⭐️ madd experiences - Neither positive nor negative, this tag is simply to talk about your experiences with MaDD, ask questions and connect with others.

⭐️ paraday - An event tag where people let their paras ‘speak’ on their blogs or make a new blog that is ‘run’ by their paras. Here is the paraday masterpost.

⭐️ paramay - Another event that runs during the month of May. Here’s the challenge info for 2019.

⭐️ madd music - Anything to do with daydreaming + music goes here. If you’re looking for new music, this is a great place, as people post a lot of songs & playlists.

💭 Things to avoid: 💭

⚡ Don’t tag MaDD-related things as “mdd” or “md”; this stands for ‘major depressive disorder’ and they have asked us in the past to not use these for MaDD. Please be kind & remind people to not use them.

⚡ Please keep para/paracosm related posts out of the main tags, instead use “paraportal” to talk about them! Our community is growing fast & there’s more and more para stuff cluttering up the main tags.

⚡ Reminder that most of these are for immersive daydreamers as well. You’re free to use tags like “paraportal” & “madd humor”, but please keep away from things like “madd negativity” & “madd pains” as this is to talk about MaDD exclusively.

⚡ If you do not have Immersive Daydreaming or suffer from MaDD, please do not post in our tags (unless you have a question). You’re free to reblog a lot of content, tho everyone has their own feelings about this so make sure you’re good to go. You are however encouraged to reblog helpful information & spread awareness.

[mastergreywolf67]

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant.

It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around.."

His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."

His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper That he got from a grocery bag Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume.. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.

On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets.."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling* her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.

Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for* believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."

(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist Hospital in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)

Warm someone's heart today. . . pass this along. I love this story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference in someone's life today? tomorrow? Just "do it".

Random acts of kindness, I think they call it?

"Believe in Angels, then return the favor."

[elegantmoonchild]

WIP Game

The Rules: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous.

I was tagged by the wonderful @jimalim a while back. It took me a bit to compile all the projects I’m working on, but here they are! Fingers crossed that some actually get finished 😂

Bughead:

For All Time — World traveler and photographer Betty Cooper knew her entire life that Jughead Jones was meant to be the love of her life. When they finally meet, somewhere in the shops of an old Brooklyn borough, he is taken aback by her sudden insistence that they belong, however he is subjected to her theories as they continue on their assignment together, backpacking across Europe collecting tales for his travel blog. When he begins to have visions of her death, however, he begins to question whether what she says is true, and as their relationship deepens, he starts to give in to the emotions she claims they’ll share together. When signs point to her impending demise, can he work to stop the clock in time or will he lose the one person he never knew he needed until he had her? And should she perish, can he fight to get her back or will he learn that sometimes love may not be enough to transcend time? 

Snapshots — What’s a story only half-told?An afternoon of reading old diaries and manuscripts turns into a lifetime of memories played before Betty and Jughead as they dig through the past. What were the moments leading up to the romance of sophomore year that stood out to Betty in her diaries, Jughead in the manuscript he wrote about his story with the girl-next-door? How did their epic love story play out for the couple beyond the events of Jason Blossom’s murder that shook the bedrock of Riverdale? -- Currently on AO3

INSIDE -- Stepping into her father’s shoes was always the plan for ambitious detective Betty Cooper, her endless dream of taking down the bad guy imprinted on every step of her path from childhood to adult. She had worked hard to gain the respect of her superiors, and suddenly she lands the opportunity of a lifetime – going undercover to investigate the shocking murder of Jason Blossom, the son of a well-known businessman in Riverdale, NY. The job was simple: get beneath the surface, lie low, and pay attention. However, when Betty is assigned to infiltrate the Serpents, a notorious gang in the Southside part of town, she finds it harder than expected to blend in, catching the eye of nefarious leader Jughead Jones. Will she make it out alive with the answers she craves, or will she find herself stepping in the path of a very dangerous man, locked in the snake pit that she can’t escape?

In Her Own Words -- At the young age of 19, Elizabeth Cooper, daughter of the Earl of Cooper, found herself courted and wooed by the famous heir to the House of Andrews, the crowned prince who she was to wed. After a hasty engagement, a whirlwind of press and protocol, Betty found herself surrounded by people but still felt so alone, her mental health taking a dive as her marriage began to crumble around her feet. Her husband’s secret affair with long-term friend Veronica and the spotlight of the world upon her both lead to years of self-harm and isolation, and soon the only joy she feels is the sparkle of laughter she shares with the Prince’s personal secretary, Forsythe “Jughead” Jones. She puts on a brave face beneath the scrutinizing gaze of the public eye, but inside she’s falling apart, and it isn’t long before she learns she has to push back and fight for herself or else she won’t survive. Will the reaffirmed belief in true, albeit forbidden love with her close friend and confidante claim her downfall or will it give her the strength to stand on her own two feet and become the Queen she was always meant to be?Or the retelling of Princess Diana’s tragic, yet inspiring life based off the documentary “Diana: In Her Own Words”. This story will be interview style in the first person with Princess Elizabeth “Betty” Cooper with memories and flashbacks retelling her ill-fated romance and involvement with the House of Andrews, and her future beyond the weight of the crown.

But Now I See -- Ever since she was a child, Betty Cooper felt she was meant for something greater, meant to make the world shine brighter. As she grew older, and life became too difficult, she sought comfort in the church, soothing her emotional scars with the words of God and Christ. Devoted to her cause and her faith, she sets forth on a course to take a vow of postulancy. For most of his life, renowned pianist Jughead Jones always kept his head down, choosing to create his own masterpieces in the shadows, free without the confinements of society. His life is forever changed, however, when he gets into a horrific car accident, the end result being a crippling blindness that makes him question everything he thought he knew.When the two meet in the hospital ward and strike up a friendship, they begin to doubt their beliefs in both faith and purpose. Will Betty complete her journey to become a nun or will she realize her purpose lies in the heart of another, and will Jughead finally learn to believe in the good of fate or will he succumb to the demons that haunt him forever?

That’s Why I’m Here -- oneshot where Betty and Jughead meet at an AA meeting, bonding over their broken parents

Title still undecided -- Betty is a sex talk show host who is, in reality, fairly inexperienced with good sex. Jughead is a journalist who tries to uncover the truth about the sensationalized, famous show host. She ends up getting him to break down his walls while he teaches her a thing or two about good lovemaking. Basically an excuse to write porn with good plot.

SweetVee:

Title still undecided -- serial killer AU where Veronica and Sweet Pea try to track down a killer obsessed with Veronica 

Title still undecided -- Veronica takes her daughter with her to live at Alice Cooper’s ranch after her messy separation from her husband where she meets ranch hand Sweet Pea.

Relatively Stable -- For the first time since medical school, Veronica Lodge, MD was on top of her game. One of the youngest and most sought after doctors at Riverdale General, she exuded both sophistication and grace as she fought to save life after life in the Intensive Care Unit. But when an ambitious new nurse named Sweet Pea challenges her authority, she takes it personally, and the two butt heads by the bedside, patient after patient.When a young man comes through the Emergency Room one night, bleeding out from a massive car wreck, Veronica and Sweet Pea have to put aside their differences to save his life. Fighting to keep their patient stable starts to bring them closer, their feelings becoming far more carnal than clinical, and despite their numerous differences Veronica may learn that Sweet Pea is just what the doctor ordered.Will both their relationship and their patient survive the night? Find out in Relatively Stable, a medical narrative that asks the question – is love the best medicine or can the heart only take so much before it arrests and dies?

On The Run -- Veronica Lodge was on the verge of seventeen, and all she wanted to do was forget about the responsibilities her parents expected of her and revel in the passion she shared with secret boyfriend, bad boy biker Sweet Pea, who had a reputation that made her rich father’s blue blood boil. Defying her parents’ wishes, she sneaks out of her penthouse bedroom one evening for a twilight filled with freedom, experimental sex, and cocaine-fueled excitement. However, what starts as an act of teenage rebellion quickly turns into a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, a run-in with the Ghoulies leading to an all-out brawl that spells trouble for the ill-fated lovebirds. As Sweet Pea and Veronica flee for their lives, on the run from violent gangs, vigilant law enforcement, and her family’s disappointment, Veronica has to make a choice — give up the rush to enter adulthood with a safe, respectable reputation or throw it all away for the bad boy with a cold sneer and a heart of gold.

My Favorite Piece of You -- Cakes, tarts, and pies -- all delectable treats served up at the Serpentine Bakery, the lunch time haunt that ambitious businesswoman Veronica Lodge frequents every single day. For the past year, she’s been coming to the cafe, indulging in its simple pleasures, until one day she unknowingly insults the attractive yet surly owner, motorcycle enthusiast Sweet Pea. After a sour meet cute, the two begin to form a connection over the concoctions that he creates behind the counter of the bakery, an appetizing alliance that takes them both by surprise. However, over time they begin to wonder if the chemistry between them can withstand a dose of sugar or if their relationship has too much spice to be a good thing. They’ll have to knead out the kinks in their peppery personalities if they want their love to rise, but one thing’s for sure -- Veronica Lodge has got one Hell of a sweet tooth.

Multiship:

To Riverdale, with love -- What is Christmas to the stranger next to you? Is it a time to sing joyous carols door to door in the freezing cold? Is it a time to curl up next to a fire with a cup of hot cocoa while surrounded by loved ones? Is it a time to bury beneath blankets to hide from the sorrow of what a Christmas without that special someone feels like? Follow along in this seasonal treat as nine stories weave in and out like holiday tinsel in this Love Actually inspired fanfic, including the romance and friendships of nine different pairings in Riverdale, the town where one might just find that love truly is all around. -- COMING CHRISTMAS SEASON 2018

There’s also a whole host of one shot ideas and other multi-chapter fics I have saved, but haven’t quite touched yet. 

If you’d like to know more about any of these projects, please feel free to reach out to me!!!

[mostpopularmagi]

Questionnaire

Sunday Surprise Questionnaire - Zachary Zatara

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Zachary Zatara

Nickname: The World’s Best and Most Popular Teenaged Magician

Reason for name: Zach chose this as his stage moniker, he liked the rhythm of it and frankly he felt you could never have too ostentatious a title in showbiz. 

Birthday: May 1st 

Age: 18

Gender: Male 

Place of birth: New York City

Places lived since: Sydney, Tokyo, London (all three during his tours) and Star City. 

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations: Maria Zatara, born in Mexico, works as a criminal prosecutor. Zane Zatara (brother of Giovanni ‘John’ Zatara, uncle of Zatanna Zatara) born in Italy, moved to San Francisco at twenty one, works as a oncologist in Lenox Hill hospital, gives lectures at seminars on his area of expertise. 

Number of siblings: zero.

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Zach is estranged from his parents who severely disapprove of his choice of career, hating magic and seeing it as ‘dangerous and unpleasant’ Zach has a barely-there relationship wit Zatanna that’s only just beginning to strengthen once more. 

Happiest memory: His Uncle John letting him spend the night in ShadowCrest, showing him the wonders of the mansion and giving him a toy dove to sleep with that night. He still has the toy, but it’s kept hidden to cuddle with only on the worst nights. 

Childhood trauma: Not particularly a trauma, but when he was four Zach’s parents once got distracted out shopping and let him wonder off and get lost in a department store. He ended up hiding under a clothes display and crying thinking they’d left without him, that started his obsession with attention, a desperation not to be forgotten or overlooked.

Children of his/her own?: None.

If so, relationship with their mother/father?: N/A

Age he/she gave birth/became a father: N/A

PHYSICAL

Height: 5′ 10″

Weight: 11 stone 5 pounds.

Build: Lean.

Nationality: American (Mexican & Italian heritage)

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): N/A

Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): He has dark beige coloured skin with ochre undertones, no freckles and perfect skin, he has no birthmarks.

Face shape: a slightly oval face with a strong nose and good cheek bones.

Distinguishing facial features: Perfect teeth and a excellent smile.

Hair color: Black.

Usual hair style: slightly longer than average hair, usually styled to look a little messy while still being presentable.

Eye color: a honey brown (which can turn to a dark purple when he uses a great deal of magic)

Glasses? Contacts?: Neither.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Zach always dresses well, usually expensive jeans and t-shirts with a classy blazer. Though he’ll always got for the traditional bow-tie, top-hat and tails on stage. 

Typical style of shoes: Almost always black, ankle boots or dress shoes.

Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): His magic makes him a little more resilient than the average human, so he’s rarely sick.

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): Zach showers every day and always wears clean clothes if he’s leaving the house, otherwise he’s a slob, wearing ratty pyjama’s and not bothering to shower. 

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: None.

Accent?: He’s tried to work himself out of having an accent, but when he’s very angry a slight ‘New Yorker’ accent can be heard.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits (bites nails, talks with hands, taps feet when restless): Zach gestures a lot when he speaks, using his hands or nodding, he’s very animated. Usual if Zach’s still when talking he’s either very stressed or angry.

Athletic?: He can be, but loathes exercising, he’s got some gymnastic skills, but rarely uses them off stage.

INTELLECT

Level of education (high school drop out, undergrad BA/BS, PhD, MD, etc.): Left school at sixteen, as early as he could to go touring.

Level of self esteem: Very high, Zach’s self-esteem is arrogant and he knows it very well. However to some extent this is an act, Zach’s belief in himself as a performer is high. But as a person is very low, he see’s himself as worth less due to his parents (and to an extent Zatanna’s) abandoning and not caring for him.

Gifts/talents: He’s an expert at prestidigitation and very observant. Zach’s also quite a skilled negotiator when he choses to be and very good at charming people, again, only if he wants to. His magic is his biggest talent though and he uses it as often as he can.

shortcomings: Very arrogant and untrained. He’s skilled on stage but his true magic isn’t reaching it’s full potential despite how often he claims it is. His mouth may be his greatest weapon but it’s also likely to get him into trouble. And under all his arrogance Zach’s has surpassingly little confidence in himself as a person, figuring he’s essentially unlovable and therefore very bad at getting genuinely close to people.

Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Zach’s voice is pleasant to listen to, loud without being annoying and very articulate. He speaks very well, though people rarely like what he says.

“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Zach is mainly a ‘right brain’ thinking since magic rarely comforts to most logic that he was taught, so he had to develop a kind of ‘creative logic’ to properly utilise his skills and craft. Though once he’s off stage he can become logical and cold to an extent when drafting up show contracts, something he did inherit from his parents.

Artistic?: Dresses well and understands colour co-ordination, though isn’t very skilled at drawing. However his acting and writing skills are quite good.

Mathematical?: A head for calculating contract profits and payments, but little beyond that.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: A mainly emotional thinker Zach hates when he has to be logical, even though he knows it’s occasionally necessary.

Neuroses: N/A

Life philosophy: Nothing feel better than the sound of applause.

Religious stance: Gives a little belief to each religion, since he’s seen elements of all of them in action.

Cautious or daring?: Daring, you have to be in showbiz.

Most sensitive about/vulnerable to: His place within his family and his place in the celebrity legacy of the Zatara’s.

Optimist or pessimist?: A Pessimist. Zach always plans for (and expects) the worst in most cases.

Extrovert or introvert?: Extrovert.

Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable at using tech, but couldn’t fix any fault beyond ‘turning it off and on again’

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: Single

Sexual orientation: Bisexual

Past relationships: None

Primary reason for being broken up with: N/A

Primary reasons for breaking up with people: Believing he’s not worth keeping a relationship going. 

Level of sexual experience: Lots of flirting and a few make-out sessions, though still a virgin.

Story of first kiss (if any—if not, how does he/she want it to happen?): In school, he went to prom with a pretty girl he’d charmed with a few magic tricks and had a chaste kiss of her at the end of the night, they’d lost contact when he went on tour.

Story of loss of virginity (if any—if not, how does he/she want it to happen, if at all?): He’d like it to be the usual affair, with a beautiful person who truly loves him, he’d want to feel cared for, not lusted after and would like to have been in a relationship for a little while beforehand. Though, he doubts that will ever happen. 

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Zach was a bit of a loner in school, he kept to his magic and over-compensated when trying to make friends, so he came off as an ass, eventually he went with the persona on instinct. Now he’s much better at playing the perfectly charming celebrity and has many acquaintances  but no real close friends. 

Most comfortable around (person): Probably Zatanna, since she, like him understands magic.

Oldest friend: Friede (his pet dove)

How does he/she think others perceive him/her?: As a very talented performer with a great deal of fans who’s worked hard to get where they are.

How do others actually perceive him/her?: A cocky kid who never takes anything seriously and is often too much work to be around. Though those who look a little deeper would see a scared little boy who doesn’t want to be ignored. 

VOCATION

Profession: Stage Magician

Past occupations: N/A

Passions: Magic, performing, caring for his pets.

Attitude towards current job: Loves it, couldn’t wish for a better job.

Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees: He’s his own boss really, and more often than not he feels contempt for theatre managers and stage hands. Though he respects his PR and publicist, they understand their job and make his life easier.

Salary: Very high, between tours, appearances on TV, merchandise etc, he’s classified as a millionaire. 

SECRETS

Phobias: Slight fear of heights. 

Life goals: To become a better magician than Zatanna.

Dreams: To make his Uncle proud and become the best magician in the world.

Greatest fears: Being overlooked or ignored

Most ashamed of: His own attitude towards himself.

Most embarrassing thing ever to happen to him/her: On his first sell out tour he went off script and had his elephant perform on stage so he could run off and vomit due to nerves, the entire crew saw him and although they were supportive he’d never felt more embarrassed. He went back on stage and smashed it though.

Compulsions: Feels the need to boast constantly, to inform people how wonderful he is and make himself out to be ridiculously happy. 

Obsessions: Making sure his pets are well cared for.

Secret hobbies: He’s a netflix binger and gets obsessed with TV series, marathoning for days at a time if he can.

Secret skills: Zach’s a capable singer and dancer, he felt it worth learning in case he ever needs a backup should his magic fail.

Past sexual transgressions: N/A

Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): He broke into a few empty apartments during the first month of his first tour since he couldn’t afford a hotel and his parents wouldn’t support him. He wasn’t caught and only Zatanna knows.

What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: He wants to truly love himself, not just act like he does. 

What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: He’d like to be a little more muscular but just hates going to the gym.

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Daily routine: Wake up and attend any meetings set for him that day. Maybe go shopping before checking in on his pets, performing any booked shows and returning home for a long bath and a few drinks before bed, or if he can get away with it out to a club for a few drinks.

Night owl or early bird?: Night owl

Light or heavy sleeper?: A pretty heavy sleeper.

Favorite food: Chocolate gateau 

Least favorite food: Cauliflower

Favorite book: The Handmaidens Tale

Least favorite book: The Great Gatsby

Favorite movie: Cats & Dogs

Least favorite movie: Marley & Me

Favorite song: I Put a Spell on You (Nina Simone version)

Least favorite song: I Will Always Love You

Coffee or tea?: Tea

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Smooth

Type of car he/she drives (or wishes he/she drove): A red Porsche 

Lefty or righty?:He’s left handed

Favorite color: Royal Purple

Cusser?: Far too much.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Drinks whenever he can, hasn’t touched drugs or cigarettes yet.

Biggest regret: Not being able to spend more time with his Uncle John

Pets?: Three: A dove named Friede who lives with him. A Tiger named Alexander and an Elephant named Ezra. Both Ezra and Alexander live on wildlife reserves but all three perform alongside him during is shows.

[buckysdiary]

Character Sheet - Loreli

General Information

Name: Lorelei Engel

Name Meaning: Siren, Angel

Name Origin: German, German

Other Names: Lori, Lilly, Ella, Angel

Gender: Female

Titles: Lori Engel, Lorelei Engel

Birth Date: October 26, 1990

Birth Place: Adventist Medical Center, Okinawa, Japan

Dominant Hand: Right

Astrological Sign: Scorpio

Autograph: Lorelei Engel, Lorelei, Lori

Handwriting: Neat cursive

   Appearance

Height: 5' 6"

Weight: 119

Species: Human

Race: Caucasian

Blood Type: AB

Skin Color: Pantone 489 C

Birthmarks: None

Extra Anatomy: None

Somatotype: Mesomorph

Hair Color: Strawberry Blond

Hair Length: Slightly longer than bob

Hair Type: Wavy 2A

Hair Style: Loose, Messy curls, Small panda buns, Half up Half down, Small ponytail, Barrettes pulling sides back from face

Widow's Peak: Small

Ear Shape: Round

Ear Type: Free lobe

Eye Color: Deep-clear blue

Eye Type: Deep-set, Mild droop

Eyebrows: Natural, Arched, Thicker than average

Nose Color: Fair

Nose Shape: Round-tipped

Lips: Medium-full

Mouth type: Down-turned

Teeth: Straight, Egg-white

Face Shape: Teardrop

Facial Hair: None

   Health and Image

Diet: Vegan, Eats whenever hungry

Exercise: Jogs an hour every morning

Fitness: Cardio, Walking to work, Riding bicycle

Running Speed: 6 mph

Posture: Straight, Relaxed

Vulnerabilities: Vitamin D deficiency

Handicaps: None

Medication: Fluoxetine, Hydroxyzine, Lisdexamfetamine

Allergies: Sulfa

Diseases: Type 1 Diabetes

Illnesses: Depression, Anxiety

Disorders: Auto Immune Disorder (Type 1 Diabetes)

Imperfections: None

Broken Bones: None

Reason for Health: Unknown

Wardrobe: Jeans, Leggings, Knebluealf-length skirts, Denim shorts, Capri shorts, Graphic shirts, Loose sweaters, Sweatshirts, Geometrically-patterned cardigans, Baggy shirts, Below-the-knee trench coats

Accessories: Purity ring shaped like a knot, Clear opal crystal necklace, Stud earrings

Equipment: Pocket knife, Insulin, Glocometer, Fluoxetine, Hydroxyzine

Musical Instruments: Viola, Piano

Piercings: Lobe

Hygiene: Proper

Makeup: Foundation, Powder, Mascara, Lip gloss

Scent: Coconut-honey

Scars: Minor white scar under left eye from falling down the stairs and hitting the banister on that area (caused by cat trying to run past her, barely visible)

Tattoos: Small half-moon half-sun on lower left hip

   Voice

Accent / Dialect: Eastern-American (Pennsylvania)

Range: Mezzosuprano

Volume: Low-Medium

Laughter: Mid-high pitch, Soft bursts

Impediments: None

   Psychology

IQ: 114

Languages: English, Latin, Spanish, Russian, German, Greek

Vocabulary: Exceptional

Memory: Average (Remembers important information, Forgets unimportant information said less than 30 seconds ago)

Learning Style: Visual

Emotional Stability: Poor

Mental Health: Poor

Linguistic: Very

Logical-Mathematical: Mildly

Musical: Very

Artistic: Very

Naturalistic: Very

Superstitious: Mildly

Half-full or Half-empty: Half-empty

   Philosophy

Religion: Roman Catholic

Devotion: Eucharistic Adoration, Receiving the Eucharist

Superstitions: Knock on wood, Throw salt over shoulder, The number 13

Spirit Animal: Red Panda

Death wish: To be buried surrounded by purple Chrysanthemums and Baby's Breath

Attitude: Kind, Shy, Polite, Humerous

Outlook on Life: Neutral, Passes through days between events as if they were nothing

Perception: Days are hazy, Only pays attention to days with scheduled events (Vacation, Work, Party, etc.)

Philosophy / Motto: "Life is dead without music."

Taboos (what the character is against): Abortion, Alcohol abuse, Bigotry, Drugs, Smoking

Vices: Cowardice, Doubt, Weakness, Self-disrespect, Unable to stand up for herself, Lateness, Takes time to trust others, Thinks that people judge her based on her weight

Virtues: Authenticity, Commitment, Compassion, Creativity, Forgiveness, Gentleness, Honesty, Loyalty, Patience, Wonder, Doesn't judge other people based on their weight

   Character

Primary Objective: Help people in need

Secondary Objectives: Make sure she is in good health

Priorities: Health, Friends and Family

Motivation: Work, Art, Music, Relationships

Self Confidence: Low

Self Control: Medium

Self Esteem: Low

Quirks: Can cross one eye but not both, Sometimes talks in Russian without realizing it, Stares into space a lot

Hobbies: Art, Gardening, Music, Writing, Reading, Collects CD's, Penmanship, GeoCaching, Riding bicycle

Closest Hobbies: Art, Dancing, Music

Guilty Pleasures: Buying expensive art supplies or CD's

Habits: Tends to leave art supplies wherever she last used them in an unmannerly order, Chews/picks at nails, Loses small things (such as Chapstick, Coins, Hair ties, Pens, etc.), Forgets to text people back

Desires: Books, Music, Variety in her life

Wishes: Travel around the United States aimlessly for a year with best friend and her service dog

Traumas: Spent about two weeks in ICU due to Intestinal Ischemia, Was given NG tube, Had to somewhat relearn how to walk due to spending so much time in a hospital bed

Worries: She'll get stuck living in one area for the rest of her life, Repetitive lifestyle (completes the same actions every day), She'll lost all her friends

Nervous Tics: Bites nails, Plays with jewelry, Plays with hair, Wrings with hands, Chews lip, Broods over situation, Cracks knuckles/neck/back, Paces, Mumbles to self

Soothers: ASMR, Music, Naps, Tea

Soft Spots: Animals, Music

Accomplishments: Won a music competition by playing the Viola, Gained control of over-eating habits in teen years (accomplished at age 16), Completed college with 4 year degree in nursing, Adopted a service dog, Made a small comic strip about what depression is like (made to describe it to people who don't have or don't understand depression)

Greatest Achievement: Completed college with a 4 year degree in nursing

Failures: Lost control of eating habits in early teen years causing her to gain weight unhealthily and at a fast rate, Didn't do well in high school Chemistry (grade: C), Accidentally let cat out of the house at age 8 and it never came back

Biggest Failure: Lost control of eating habits in early teen years causing her togain weight unhealthily and at a fast rate

Favorite Dream: Walking underwater in the Great Barrier Reef

Worst Nightmare: Being stuck in an empty museum, and every time she walked towards an exit, it would close and lock itself.

Earliest Memory: Father carrying her around the house in laundry basket (3 years old)

Fondest Memory: Getting praise on her first real art project (a painting of Mount Everest, age 11)

Worst Memory: Staying in the hospital for a week after being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (age 8)

Funniest Moment: Accidentally walking into work with her service dog (age 22)

Happiest Moment: Depends on story

Saddest Moment: Depends on story

Most Prized Possession: Small pocket knife from father

Most Valuable Possession: Music collection

Collections: Cd's, Vinyl records, Stones,

Embarrassments: Mispronouncing words, Old photos of herself, Tripping, Once forgot the piece she was supposed to play at a recital

Mannerisms: Whistling, Fiddles with fingers, Hums, Stares into space

Humor: Witty, Unintentional puns

Regrets: Reckless health choices in preteen years

Secrets: None

Darkest Secret: None

Pet Peeves: People trying to talk to her when listening to music, Ads interrupting music, Rap, People assuming she's annoying because she's vegan, Being interrupted

Phobias: Acrophobia (fear of heights), Gephyrophobia (fear of bridges), Claustrophobia (fear of small or tight spaces), Selaphobia (fear of flashing lights), Fears that she might one day walk onto a grate on a sidewalk and fall into it (avoids sidewalk grates because of this)

Greatest Fear: Living a repetative live where nothing unusual or new will ever happen.

Confident: Not usually

Creative: Extremely

Generous: Very

Honest: Extremely

Loyal: Extremely

Insecure: Extremely

Patient: Very

Predictable: Rarely

Reliable: Very

Respectable: Very

Responsible: Very

Trustworthy: Very

   Common...

Compliments: "I like/love your ___", Tries to point out things people normally wouldn't comment about (for instance, "You're very good at color coordination; I can see it in your fashion style and your furniture choices.")

Insults: Doesn't insult directly, Mutters about the person once they are out of range

Expletives: "Fuck, "Bloody Hell," "Crap," "Shit," "Wow," "Ugh"

Farewells: "Goodbye," "Bye," "See you later/tomorrow/(specific date/time)," "Proshchay (goodbye in Russian)"

Greetings: "Hello," "Hey," "Hi," "What's up," "Hey," "Zdravstvuy (hello in Russian)"

Mood: Content, Wondrous

Words: "Sure," "Ok," "Wow"

Emotional Status: Neutral

   Combat

Element: Water

Martial Arts: Karate

Immunities: None

Resistances: None

Strengths: Left leg

Weaknesses: Right shoulder

Restrictions: Tries to avoid hitting neck area

Origin: Depends on story

Source: Depends on story

Specialty: None

Signature Move: None

Special Attack: None

   Home, Work, and Education

Abode: Small apartment (Abode and location depends on story)

Bedroom: Queen-sized blue bed, Light-blue walls, Small balcony, Oak-wood chest of drawers, Small bookshelf, Small closet, Ceiling fan, Box of art supplies in bottom of closet, Viola case at foot of bed

Bathroom: Blue walls, Corner shower, Small closet by sink, Mirror cabinet, Long mirror, Marble counters, Oak-Wood cabinets, Blue bathmat, Makeup stand

Kitchen: Small, Green walls, Oak-wood cabinets, Cream-colored linoleum floor, Basic white refrigerator, Small window behind sink, Corner cabinets, Small island with black chairs

Living Room: Brown loveseat, Mahogany walls, Small coffee table in front of couch, TV on TV stand, Bookshelf with books and Music, Record player, Radio on coffee table, Two windows, Easle in corner next to couch, Paintings leaning against bookshelf

Hometown: Silver Spring, MD

Citizenship: U. S.

Culture: American

Traditions: None

Routine: None

Sleep Patterns: Goes bed late, Takes small naps between work shifts

Eating Habits: Eats whenever hungry, Tries to avoid too many starchepalearbs

Pets: German Shepherd (service dog)

Employer: Depends on story

Job Title: RN (Depends on story)

Experience: Worked at Catholic hospital during last year of college, Volunteered as Candy Striper at age 17 at local hospital

Transportation: Bicycle, Walking, Car (Depends on story)

Criminal Record: None

Dream Job: RN

Income / Salary: $76,000/year

Net Worth: None

Debt: None

Savings: $100,000

Splurges: Art supplies, Books, Dog toys, Cd's, Vinyl records, Once-a-week coffee with best friend

   Social

Mother: Diana Engel (Veteran Lawyer, age 56)

Father: Kurt Engel (Lieutenant Colonel of Marine Corps, age 57)

Guardians: None

Siblings: Carmen Engel (College Flute Teacher, age 28)

Children: None

Family Communication: About once a week, Frequent

Close Relatives: Carmen Engel, Diana Engel, Kurt Engel

Distant Relatives: None

Best Friend: Phoebe Harrison

Close Friends: Phoebe Harrison, Amy Morrigan, Joshuah Harper

Confidantes: Phoebe Harrison, Joshuah Harper, Carmen Engel

Friends: Phoebe Harrison, Amy Morrigan, Joshuah Harper, Keegan Broms, Fauna Smith

Role Models: None

Heroes: Samewise Gamgee

Mentors: None

   Romance

First Love: A guy in freshman year, lasted 6 months

Love Interests: Joshuah Harper, Depends on story

Marital Status: In a relationship, Depends on story

Orientation: Straight

Significant Other: Joshuah Harper, Depends on story

Love Style: Agape, Storge

Flirty: Depends on mood, Usually somewhat flirty

Virginity: In tact

   Story Information

Flaws: Focuses too much on what people think of her, Focuses too much on making a good impression on everyone

Advice: "Take the log out of your own eye before you take the splinter out of your sister's."

One Word: "Listen."

Theme Song: For the First Time by The Script

Soundtrack: Lambert - Stay in the Dark

Date of Creation: March 16, 2017

   Reactions

Angry: Mutters to self, Shouts, Curses, Leaves room to calm down

Anxious: Breaths quickly, Bites nails, Worries about situation, Talks fast, Cracks knuckles/neck/back, Paces

Conflicted: Broods over conflict, Tries to solve in a rational way, brings up conflict to confidants, Keeps to self, Worries about situation, Paces, Cracks knuckles/neck/back

Criticized: Broods over criticizing comment, Keeps to self, Grows angry, Yells

Depressed: Cries, Listens to music, Sleeps, Talks to self about situation, Writes, Keeps to self

Embarrassed: Blushes, Laughs nervously, Leaves room, Apologizes, Keeps to self

Excited: Shouts, Taps fingers/feet, Giggles, Talks fast, Smiles, Dances

Frightened: Shouts, Breaths fast, Runs away, Instinctively throws punches at object/person, Eyes widen, Freezes

Guilty: Keeps to self, Cries, Apologizes, Broods over situation

Happy: Smiles, Dances, Laughs, Sings

Nervous: Cracks knuckles/neck/back, Keeps to self, Talks fast, Paces, Wrings hands, Broods over situation, Tries breathing slowly

Offended: Yells, Keeps to self, Broods over situation, Returns insult

Praised: Blushes, Smiles, Laughs

Rejected: Keeps to self, Broods over situation, Cries, Grows angry

Sad: Keeps to self, Cries, Talks to confidant(s) about subject, Writes, Sleeps

Stressed: Shouts, Cries, Broods over situation, Talks to confidents, Listents to music, Naps

Thoughtful: Stars into space, Keeps to self, Mutters, Writes, Reads

   Impressions

First: Reserved, Antisocial, Lonely, Shy

Self: Worthless, Useless, Cowardly, Annoying, Messed up

Family: Confused, Kind, Generous, Helpful, Creative, Imaginative, Lost

Lover: Lonely, Sad, Needs a shoulder, Idealistic, Ambitious, Creative

Friends: Kind, Generous, Shy, Scared, Funny, Lost, Creative

Enemies: Weak, Dumb, Attention-seeking, Dependent

   Personality

MBIT Personality Type: Mediator (INFP-T)

Anima: Red Panda (Omega), Crow (Omega)

Personas: Creator, Follower, Observer

[winjoyworld]

Teacher Can Bring Out The Best Out Of The Students How ? Let’s read the story

ONE OF THE BEST STORIES I HAVE EVER HEARD !!

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers. At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around." His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle." His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken." Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class." By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on he r wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left, she cried for at least an  hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic.  Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her  "teacher's pets.." A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life. Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors.  He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life. Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD. The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.   They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."   Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."   (For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist in DesMoines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)   

With best compliment from,

Prof Lalit Chande - Teacher , Trainer , Author , Counselor , Motivational Trainer & Life Coach - Rajkot India

[whysosirius-james]

James Sirius Potter + Questionnaire (1/??)

trigger warning ; alcoholism

ORIGINS & FAMILY

Name:

James Sirius Potter (adopted name)

Bernard Vernon Dursley (birth name)

Nickname(s): James, Jimmy, Jim-Jam, Bernard (sarcastically)

Reason for name:

James is his adopted grandfather and Sirius is his adopted father’s godfather. They were two men Harry looked up to and loved and in turn, James aspires to be them.

Bernard is a Dursley family name and Vernon is his biological grandfather’s name. He has not used this name since he was adopted and has no intention of changing it back in the future.

Birthday: Thirteenth of November, 2003

Gender: Male

Place of birth: Somewhere in England, exact location unknown.

Places lived since: 

In the unknown location for a few weeks with his mother

With his biological father in Little Whinging for nearly six months

With his adopted parents and siblings in Godric’s Hollow following his adoption

Hogwarts from age eleven to eighteen for most of the year

With Mackenzie in a house they bought together in Hogsmeade following his graduation

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations:

Dudley Dursley - Biological Father - He is the son of Vernon Dursley and Petunia Dursley (nee Evans, deceased as of 2020) and maternal cousin of Harry Potter. He is a muggle and was a bully as a child, especially towards Harry, which he has since come to regret. He had an affair with Samoan witch - unaware of her heritage at the time - and Bernard was the result. Dudley asked his cousin to take Bernard, to be named James, as his own when he started showing signs of magic so that he would not receive the same treatment Harry did growing up. He currently works as a salesman in the position Vernon held before he retired. He had another affair which resulted in James’ muggleborn half-brother, Fletcher (who he does not know about). Dudley got married in 2007 and has no other children.

Talia Leapei - Biological Mother - She is a pureblood, Samoan witch. James does not know who her parents are. She had an affair with Dudley Dursley early 2003, resulting in her pregnancy. She kept him for a few weeks before leaving him at Dudley’s doorstep. In 2021, she wrote to her son to get in touch and they have since been in contact. She is currently a florist in Samoa, is unmarried and has no other children. James met her in 2023.

Harry Potter - Adopted Father - He is the son of James Potter and Lily Potter (nee Evans) - both are deceased - and the maternal cousin of Dudley Dursley. He is a halfblood wizard, Gryffindor alumni and was the captain and seeker on his school’s Quidditch team. He led Dumbledore’s Army and defeated Voldemort at seventeen. As a favor to Dudley and to keep a child from abuse for being magic, Harry agreed to adopt James - then Bernard - and pretended that he was his and his new wife’s biological son.  He is the current Head of Auror Office and occasionally guest lectures for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. He is married to Ginny Weasley-Potter and is the father of two other children, Albus Severus and Lily Luna.

Ginevra “Ginny” Weasley - Adopted Mother - She is the daughter of Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley (nee Prewett). She is a pureblood witch, Gryffindor alumni and the chaser - and at one point seeker - on her school’s Quidditch team. She fought in the Battle of Hogwarts alongside Harry, Ron (her older brother) and Hermione (friend, now sister-in-law). She agreed without hesitation to adopt James with her husband, Harry, and used her sabbatical from her career to hide her “pregnancy” and maternity leave. She is the former chaser for the Holyhead Harpies and former senior Quidditch reporter for the Daily Prophet. She currently works as the Sports Editor for the Daily Prophet . She is married to Harry Potter and is the mother of two other children, Albus Severus and Lily Luna.

Number of siblings: Two

Albus Severus Potter (adopted, younger brother)

Lily Luna Potter (adopted, younger sister)

Edward “Teddy” Lupin (god-brother / “adopted” brother)

Fletcher Duke (younger paternal half-brother)

Relationship with family (close? estranged?):

James loves his adopted family; parents, siblings and numerous cousins. There is nothing more important to him than them and he would take a bullet for each and every one of them. He has a unique relationship with each of them. Their bond has only grown strong since they found out he was adopted and accepted him for he knew that they would love him no matter what and vice versa.

Before knowing that he was his biological father, James’ relationship with Dudley wasn’t much to talk about. Harry always insisted on his three children visiting his cousin. James never understood why and was always reluctant to go until he received the letter with the truth when he was eleven. After that, he made much more of an effort and writes to him frequently.

Up until 2021, Talia Leapei and James had no contact. All he knew was her name. She wrote to him out of the blue which had a major impact on him. It took him months to respond and they’ve exchanged only a few letters. They met in 2023 and she was invited to his wedding, even organising the flowers for it.

James does get along with Fletcher despite not knowing they are related. They are not close but if James ever did find out, there is no doubt that he would want them to be.

Happiest memory:

The day Lucy was born. It was the best birthday present ever. 

As of 2024, his marriage to Mackenzie Finnigan-Thomas

Childhood trauma: Most of James’ trauma occurred in his teens / young adulthood when he became an alcoholic in his sixth year - since recovered - and when his girlfriend Mackenzie and cousin Lucy were kidnapped by Death Eaters in 2022.

Children of his/her own?: N/A

PHYSICAL

Height: 5′ 11″ /  1.8 m 

Weight: 161 lbs / 73 kg 

Build: Athletic

Nationality: English & Samoan

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Alcoholism (in recover)

Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Two small moles on his left cheek close to his jawline, otherwise totally clear complexion

Hair color: Ginger

Usual hair style: Messy

Eye color: Dark Brown

Glasses? Contacts?: N/A

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): James’ style is very casual and comfortable (i.e. jeans, t-shirts and sneakers). He generally wears very plain shirts with the occasional logo or slogan written across it. He is also prone to wearing plaid shirts or bomber jackets over said t-shirts.

Health: James is rarely sick. He keeps in good shape for Quidditch, eating well and working out frequently, especially since finishing rehab. When he does get sick, he’s quite stubborn about it and lives in denial until someone literally forces him to rest.

Grooming: James showers every morning after his jog and again in the evenings after Quidditch practice. He tends to wear clean clothes. He does not wear makeup or pluck his eyebrows (although every now and then one of his female cousins plucks them for him but he never asks). 

Tattoos? Piercings?:

James has a tattoo that represents each of his siblings and cousins:

A teddy bear for Teddy on the top of his right arm.

Lightning bolt on left ring finger for Albus.

An orange lily on the back of his left shoulder for Lily.

On the back of his right shin he has a rose for Rose.

A flame on the back of his right shoulder for Hugo.

A laurel wreath for Victoire on the outside of his left forearm.

A blue shell on the inside of his left forearm for Dominique.

For Louis, there is an anchor on the inside of his right ankle.

To represent Fred, there is a tattoo of a crown on the inside of his right wrist.

There is a joker’s hat on the inside his left ankle for Roxanne.

For Molly, there is a tattoo of a sun below Lily’s on the back of his left shoulder.

There is a pinky promise tattoo on the outside of his right upper arm. This is a a matching tattoo he has with Lucy.

James has ‘adventure’ tattooed on his inner upper arm.

A golden snitch can be found on the front of his right shoulder.

No piercings.

Accent?: British

Unique mannerisms/physical habits (bites nails, talks with hands, taps feet when restless):  He gets twitchy / shaky - especially his hands - when he feels like he needs a drink and also tends to tap his feet and fingers against surfaces.

INTELLECT

Level of education (high school drop out, undergrad BA/BS, PhD, MD, etc.): Hogwarts graduate

Gifts/talents/skills:

James is a very talented Quidditch player. He was the chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and later became captain. He currently plays a a chaser for the Montrose Magpies.

James is a very gifted prankster. As a Wotter, albeit adopted, he has access to the best pranking tools and ideas from his Uncle George and his shop.

James started to play the guitar at age twelve and his knack for it has only developed.

Alongside his guitar playing, James can sing and has written songs. His most significant example is the song he wrote for Mackenzie right before they got together. He spent a year working on and perfecting it.

Shortcomings: 

James has addictive tendencies, shown through his year of alcoholism. During that time he also smoked and did the occasional drug. Now he stays away from anything addictive substances, including caffeine.

He can be overly protective of his loved ones to the point of annoying them but he means well.

Despite not having Weasley blood, James certainly has their temper. He can get so angry especially when someone hurts the ones he cares about. 

Style of speech:

James usually speaks in a loud and confident voice. His tell when he’s upset or anxious is when he speaks quieter than usual.

Religious stance: Atheist (was not raised with any religion)

Cautious or daring?: Daring

Most sensitive about/vulnerable to: His adoption and his former alcohol addiction

Optimist or pessimist?: Optimist

Extrovert or introvert?: Extrovert

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: Married to Mackenzie Finnigan Thomas

Sexual orientation: Heterosexual

Past relationships:

Penelope Hawthorne - This relationship was a bit of a roller coaster. They were together when his alcohol addition developed and when he went into rehab, he broke up with her and shut her out. At the time, he believed that she was the root cause of his addiction and thought it was best to stay away from her. They have recently made amends due to a mutual friend dealing with addiction and are trying to be friends.

Level of sexual experience: 

Normally, James only sleeps with people he has an emotional connection with. Altogether he has slept with four people, including his wife Mackenzie.

Most comfortable around (person): Mackenzie Finnigan-Thomas & Lucy Weasley

Oldest friend: Lucy Weasley

Pets?: Barn Owl named Hedwig II

VOCATION

Profession: Chaser for the Montrose Magpies

Past occupations:

Student

James worked three summers in Weasley Wizard Wheezes.

Passions:

Quidditch

Music

Pranking

Attitude towards current job:

Quidditch is James’ passion and there is nothing he would rather be doing.

Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees:

James’ team is like his family and gets along with all of them.

SECRETS

Phobias:

Thanatophobia - fear of dying and losing a loved one

Atychiphobia - fear of failure

Life goals:

James’ main goal in life was to play for a professional Quidditch team, either the Montrose Magpies or the Wimbourne Wasps. He has achieved this goal.

He would also like to work his way up to team captain of the quidditch team he plays for.

His only other goal is to find the perfect woman and settle down and have a large family. His wife, Mackenzie has been told that she may not have children but he has no doubt that they will have kids one way or another.

Greatest fears: 

James is afraid of losing his family in any way, physically or emotionally, above all else.

Most ashamed of:

James’ biggest shame is lying for seven years about his adoption.

His year of alcoholism and partying was a shameful time for him especially when he started lashing out at his family.

Compulsions:

Alcohol Addiction (formerly)

Crimes committed: N/A

What he/she most wants to change about his/her self/life?:

Despite the flaws he knows he has, James would not change much. If he had to say anything, it would be to have more control over his temper sometimes.

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Daily routine:

On weekdays, James wakes up at six for a run and follows that with a shower. He eats breakfast with Mackenzie normally, which they take turns making. He then goes to practice for most, if not all, of the day, only taking a break for lunch and water. When he gets home, he eats dinner with Mackenzie if she’s home. They might watch a movie or he’ll write to his relatives before going to bed. He tends to go to sleep fairly early especially if he has practice early the next day.

On weekends, he still wakes up at six for a run and eats breakfast, occasionally he’ll make breakfast in bed for Mackenzie. If he has practice on weekends, his routine is similar to the weekdays or he will spend his day relaxing or hanging out with his friends and family. For a while after graduation, James would spend a lot of his day’s off unpacking and renovating the house that he and Mackenzie live in together. His weekend evenings are similar to that of the weekdays.

James will always spend his holidays with his family. He will likely go back to the Burrow, bringing Mackenzie with him if she’s available. This is still the case after graduation.

Night owl or early bird?: Early Bird

Light or heavy sleeper?: Heavy Sleeper

Favorite food: Anything Grandma Molly cooks

Favorite book: Quidditch Through the Ages by Kennilworthy Whisp

Favorite movie: Citizen Kane

Favorite song: Do The Hippogriff by the Weird Sisters

Favorite color: Dark Green

Coffee or tea?: Tea

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Crunchy

Type of car he/she drives (or wishes he/she drove): James doesn’t plan on learning to drive. He thinks that apparating works better and more efficiently.

Lefty or righty?: Righty

Cusser?: Definitely

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: No / Formerly an Alcoholic / Formerly Though Recreational 

[psychotherapyconsultants]

When Yoga, Meditation, and Diet Aren’t Enough to Cure Depression

I thought I had it all figured out.

I even had a book title picked out: Whole-ish — On Healing Myself Naturally from Depression and My Messy Path to Well. And I had outlined some of the chapters:

Why restoring your gut health and generating good intestinal bacteria will improve mood

The science behind optimal nutrition and how certain foods reduce inflammation of the brain, while others (sugar) send a message of distress to your immune system, affecting your entire nervous system

How green smoothies help eliminate disease states

The therapeutic faculties of yoga and how it primes our parasympathetic system

Mindfulness meditation and neuroplasticity

And then the floor beneath me dropped out and I fell into a dark, ominous abyss — a life-threatening place that was more frightening than any depressive episode of my past, where the suicidal thoughts were so intense and so constant that I was absolutely sure I wouldn’t be around to celebrate my daughter’s 13th birthday. In the last five months, I have never been so scared for my life, positive that I was going insane and that I was destined to follow the path of my aunt (who was also my godmother), who took her own life.

What started out as a good and right endeavor became a dangerous dance in which I made a few critical mistakes that almost cost me my life.

Doing Everything Right

Two-and-a-half years ago, I was frustrated that I couldn’t get rid of my death thoughts after being on so much medication for so many years. So I dove into the world of integrative and holistic medicine.

I took every saliva, blood, and stool test that exists to measure my cortisol, hormones, gut status, nutrients, and food intolerances.

I transformed my diet and eliminated gluten, sugar, caffeine, and dairy (I’d already cut out alcohol). I did extensive research on which supplements to take and added vitamins B-12, C, D, and E; probiotics; turmeric; omega-3 fatty acids; alpha lipoic acid; amino acids; magnesium; coconut oil; and iron. I drank two green smoothies every day.

I took the eight-week intensive Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program based on Jon Kabat-Zinn‘s work at the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester, and started to meditate each day.

I immersed myself in hot yoga, practicing five or six times a week .

I committed myself to helping others, trying to transcend my pain that way, creating two online forums dedicated to people struggling with treatment-resistant depression.

I attached myself to the new science called epigenetics, the study of genetic changes that aren’t caused by a change in DNA sequence. Pamela Peeke, MD, best-selling author of The Hunger Fix, explained it to me this way: “If you can change certain key choices — your diet, how you handle stress, your physical activity — it’s like writing notes in the margin of your genome, and you can flip the switch to support and protect your health.”

Epigenetics is closely related to the concept of neuroplasticity that says we aren’t stuck with the brain that we were born with: We have more room than we think we do to direct our health toward healing and wholeness.

Thinking in Black and White

I wanted to believe more than anything that I could cure myself of my bipolar disorder and my treatment-resistant depression with the right diet, exercise, stress reduction tools, and meditation.

All of my actions over the course of nine months were able to deliver me to a place where the death thoughts ceased.

So I assumed that the medications I had been taking really didn’t do anything but cause or contribute to a host of chronic illnesses I had developed over the course of 10 years: connective tissue issues (Raynaud’s phenomenon), thyroid disease (nodules), a pituitary tumor, inflammatory bowel disease (small intestine bacteria overgrowth, or SIBO), and heart disease.

That’s where I went wrong.

Black-and-white thinking.

Raised in an alcoholic home, I have always struggled to achieve a nuanced perspective.

I stopped working with my psychiatrist because I believed I could naturally heal from my mood disorder with the help of a holistic doctor. An excellent integrative physician, he has successfully guided my general health (all of the conditions mentioned above). But a mood disorder as complex and severe as mine requires psychiatric expertise, which he is without. I began to taper off of my psychotropic medications too aggressively. The tapering coincided with some other stressors.

And I fell into the abyss.

I fell harder than I ever have.

A New Perspective from My Daughter

Resolved to find a non-drug solution, I tried transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), a non-invasive procedure that stimulates nerve cells in the brain with short magnetic pulses. Approved by the FDA in 2008, TMS involves a large electromagnetic coil that’s placed against your scalp. The coil generates focused pulses that pass through your skull and stimulate the cerebral cortex of your brain, a region that regulates mood.

While I did feel an initial lift from my depression following TMS treatment, my anxiety worsened, creating suicidal thoughts that were even more intense and compulsive — as if there was a very thin veil between life and death, and I didn’t know how long I could muster the self-control to stay on the right side. The series (45 sessions in all) sent me into a dangerous, mixed state of mania and depression — something that can happen if a bipolar person does the treatment without enough of a mood stabilizer.

At one point halfway through the series, I was crying when I picked my daughter up from school. I couldn’t quiet my painful ruminations even when I was with her.

“I feel like you are never going to get better,” she said, starting to cry herself.

She paused and then said, her breathing broken, “I just feel like someone is going to die.”

She began to wail.

As much as I didn’t want her to be right, I knew she was.

My little girl has always been extremely intuitive, and she could feel it in her soul that I was not far away from the grave. Two weeks after she said that, we lost a family member to suicide.

His death forced a new perspective.

Living With a Life-Threatening Illness

I realized I had to do absolutely everything I could to protect my life. In a pursuit to heal myself naturally, I had been flirting too closely with death, and I couldn’t say how long I could survive doing this dance. I was finally ready to accept chronic illnesses and tumors and nasty side effects in order to stay alive.

For the first time since my aunt and godmother took her life 30 years ago, I saw the life-threatening angle of my illness and knew that, while I can certainly improve my symptoms with natural remedies and possibly reduce the amount of medication I need, there is no escaping entirely from my mood disorder.

In the harrowing months since Thanksgiving, I’ve learned three key things that I hope I never forget as long as I’m battling bipolar disorder:

It is absolutely critical to be under the right care.

Medication can be lifesaving and is sometimes necessary.

While we can all hope to heal ourselves in the wider sense of the word, some of us simply can’t cure ourselves entirely of our conditions; at best, we can manage them with a variety of treatments, both natural and traditional.

I returned recently to my former psychiatrist who had managed to keep me stable for 10 years, as well as to my therapist, whom I’ve worked with for nine years. Feeling a little bit like the prodigal son, I thanked her for her excellent care in years past and asked for her help in getting well once more.

We’ll get there, she said.

We’ll get there.

Join Project Hope & Beyond, a new depression community.

Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/15/when-yoga-meditation-and-diet-arent-enough-to-cure-depression/