#very long read but 100% worth it holy crap

[parallelunivrses]

[image transcript: Sowing that distrust is why Williams is going on the record, albeit without his original name. He still plans to release thousands of files after this article is published — evidence tying sheriffs and police officers to the movement, his proudest coup, plus other records he hopes could become ammo for lawsuits. But Williams wants to let his former comrades know “a faggot is doing this to them.” He thinks his story could be his most effective weapon.

Every time militia members make a phone call, attend a meeting or go to a gun range together, he wants them “to be thinking, in the back of their heads, ‘This guy will betray me.’” /end transcript]

Outraged by the Jan. 6 Capitol riot, a wilderness survival trainer spent years undercover climbing the ranks of right-wing militias. He didn’t tell police or the FBI. He didn’t tell family or friends. The one person he told was a ProPublica reporter.

This is such a wild story like holy shit dude

[pretentious-art-love]

Film Reviews #7 - Madoka Magica the Movie Part III: The Story of the Rebellion

Spoilers for both movie and show will follow ahead!

This film, and the TV show itself, have a lot of flaws, like holy crap there are so many flaws that I just feel lazy when I think about listing them all.

Anyway, let's list them all, first and foremost, the pacing is incredibly convoluted, like bloody hell the first time you watch this you will have eyebrow pain from frowning so much and you will be mentally exhausted of all the things you have to keep to track of to puzzle the story together in a overarching arc that feels as long as listing all the digits of Pi, and most digits of Pi serve no purpose whatsoever! The thing is that, this movie would have worked a lot more as a full TV season for the show, things are so heavily compressed and the pacing might start slowly but then goes super fast and then builds up an important scene and then moves to another part of the plot! The TV show does have this same issue as well, since while it builds up nicely around the beginning, some things are cut short and that makes some scenes feel underdeveloped, like the whole arc with Sayaka and the pain of feeling like a lich, or a zombie, we got to see her pain and her reluctantcy to talk to the boy she likes, but we didn't get to see or feel what bad things she felt would happen in a relationship in the state she was in, I have dealt with dysphoria myself, so I understand her predicament to an extent, but I know a lot of people will think she is just dumb, the friendship of Homura and Madoka could have been expanded more to make us feel the importance of Madoka in Homura's life, and at the end she just comes as a very obsessed lesbian, I can go on and on, but again, I am getting a little lazy, the first season could have even been 24 episodes long, this movie, 12 episodes long, but with its movie running time it has at the very most 8 episodes worth of runtime, and that hurts the storytelling a lot.

Because of that, there are scenes with a lot, and I mean a lot of exposition, with Kyubey being the equivalent of the exposition pug from the Men in Black series here, while in the show he still had a bigger role in the story despite also delivering a lot of exposition. That makes the whole story feel clunky, convoluted, and nonsensical, we don't get shown what it is happening, we get told about it more than what it is healthy for a story. There are some characters, like Bebe, that are introduced in a very quick way and then work as a normal part of the rooster without us getting to know her backstory, I only know it myself because a friend told me about it from something she read about a gacha game that expanded her arc. All this, all these issues, and more, that it's hard to call it a good movie, let alone a good show because of that, and the thing with animation and art like this is that knowing how to use your screen-time properly is really really difficult, and no matter the path you pick (either some scenes of quick exposition or basically not explaining it at all just to leave it to additional material) will end up leaving at least some people unhappy.

So, what about the goods? Is there anything good in this movie at all? Yes, there is, starting with the eye candy that is Shaft's visual direction, with that heavy French New Wave influence and featured not just here but also in the Madoka show and the Monogatari series, for the whole 100 episodes of it, its an absolute joy, the surreal atmosphere with complex backgrounds, overbearing lighting, characters that talk in such a idiosyncratic way that feels unique to them, and the cutout animation that mixes with the more traditional characters to create this scary but beautiful aura with the unnatural creatures and happening of this world, for eye candy like this alone I would rate this movie 4 stars, and out of all the discourse people seem to bring from this movie, it is at least the general consensus that the visuals of it are great!

But! That's not the thing, haha, you see, because the reason I like this movie so much… the reason I like this movie so much it's because of its writing! Yes, that is right! Yes, I know, you might be saying the obvious, how I, with all the issues I see about this movie and the TV show, saying that the best thing about Rebellion being the writing is bogus, so now, just stay still, and listen. You see, the Madoka TV show was fine… it was fine, it was a fun show, you know, a normal deconstruction of the super hero genre, even if you aren't into magical girls, as long as you know what a super hero is, and are familiar with the trope of the normal person protagonist thingy being chosen to save the world, you will enjoy the show, the TV show has some twists and turns that make you wonder who the real villain is or what it is going to happen next, but there are things that you can easily predict from the first episode alone, and as the story goes along, these predictions get confirmed to you, and the end of the show does not really come as a surprise when you reach it, you say, ahh, yeah, that makes sense, that was nice.

Madoka the TV show takes the whole idea of the Magical Girl/Super Hero and shows us a story where the only way to save the world is sacrificing yourself, even at the cost of your humanity, and plays with the idea that maybe the best option for you is to not become a super hero, a magical girl, because the cost for that power and that responsibility can be too great to bare. The show ends in a bittersweet note, and plays with the idea of Godhood and the ideal time loop after a sacrifice has been made, that idea is very fun on its own, there are interesting rules within the show that allow Madoka to propose a cohesive idea of God without becoming a power trip story, like the idea that God is in every place and every time in the universe, but can't directly interact with us because its fighting to keep the balance of the world as we know it, making it no more than a mere observer that cannot alter our life on its own will despite being omnipresent.

The idea is good, and I like it a lot, even when there are shows that have used this idea to make things a lot more interesting things with them, like it is the case of Serial Experiments Lain where its ending is not only an exploration of godhood but it also plants questions about our identity on itself, and about who we are now in the digital era, which makes more the message a lot more personal to the audience. So, the show itself is fine, yeah, the ending had been done already before and after, the plot is a bit convoluted and characters arcs cut short, but overall its a fun ride with its own self contained ending, not life changing or anything but really good for the fans of this kind of media.

Anyway, the show become super popular and a movie sequel was approved, so what are we gonna do now? The show had already used the concept of alternative timelines for its main plot, so if you are going to make a sequel or alternative version, using them to spicy things up or continue along with the characters its a no go, its a really big task to continue things from the point the TV show ended, and the struggle does show, some people call the movie unnecessary, and I can see why would they think that. The movie does have also some well known tropes like the ideal/dystopian timeline that starts the new arc of the franchise that has been shown in anime like… well, I don't think I can say it without making it a spoiler, but if you want to know, ask me, it's a fun trope to write, and a confusing one to watch. In that part, it is nothing new, and the pacing is a lot more convoluted than the TV show, not just reducing character arcs and growth to mere one liners but also making the whole succession of events a mind boggling mess to watch the first time.

But around the end, around the end, it happens, it just happens. Homura's arc in the show was good enough, she acts as the quiet, traumatized hero, the martyr that is under the scenes and tries to save people despite looking as a cold hearted foe in the outside, she was someone with extreme methods that could involve even killing Sayaka or letting Mami die as long it meant to save Madoka, there are great moments she has like in the episode 10 where she and Madoka are about to become witches, and Homura says that as long they are together, she doesn't care if she destroys the entire world with her, and that she would destroy and unleash her despair on the whole earth as long she gets to be with Madoka, which I found quite passionate, the way she remembers her after everything has passed, and how get to see her more and more as the protagonist in the show as it goes on.

The thing that… her character as it is its fine, it is just fine, like… she is a good character, but maybe not the most memorable character ever? I mean considering that the trope of the martyr hero that is silently suffering but is helping the hero from the shadows its a very well known trope, it doesn't come as a twist, it is something that you can even see from episode 1, and a lot of people did, myself included, when the flashback scenes come, you say, yeah yeah, I see it now, but there is not really a twist, not the twist the show wanted you to experience, it was heavily implied and when you see it come, you watch it mostly because you want to know the how, not the why, of her character. So yes, the character its fine, it is a good character, but it doesn't change things too much, it just serves as a another spring in the perfectly tied together clockwork that is the show, it has a nice conclusion, all answers are given to you, when you look at it, it does feel as what you would expect, it is a fine good clock, aside the pacing, you could say the TV show its a good clock, maybe too good in fact, too tidy and perfect for its own good, it is a story that ends as how it should have, with protagonists that end with the character growth that they should have… Madoka does the sacrifice of losing her humanity to save all magical girls, and Homura is finally able to express her pain directly to the person that she loves, and is finally able to break the time loop she is in, living now in an universe where magical girls don't become witches, and continues as a silent hero that fights from the shadows, with her sad backstory, and her resolve to go on, it's all really nice, a really tidy and clean ending for a show…

But, if you allow me to be a bit pedantic… I think that's boring, super and incredibly ultra mega boring, it is boring, boring boring, super boring, expected, already shown, already made, predictable! It is boring! BO-RI-NG! It is too by the numbers! And yes, sure, Madoka started as a deconstruction of the Magical Girl genre, and it might have been seen as something that subverted the source material it was inspired from, but that is only if you came to it blind, all blind, expecting something cute and fun, so in other terms, it relied in nothing more than a marketing gimmick, and when your movie relies in a marketing gimmick, once that gimmick is gone, half of its appeal its over, just like with The Blair Witch Project, sure it was supposed to be a real found tape, but of course you can't keep your actors locked in a basement, so the immersion is absolutely broken out of the gate with that. I did my best, and I watched Madoka as blind as possible, not knowing anything about the plot, anything, I didn't google it, checked it or did anything or research about it, but even then, when people mention Madoka on the internet, they say, oh Madoka… haha, Madoka is not what it pretends to be! Mwhahaha! If Madoka comes up as a random conversation topic in your discord server, that is the bare minimum you are going to hear. I can say that in this day and age, it is incredibly obvious from the get go that you come to Madoka looking forward to it pull a fast one on you, and with me having watched stuff like Magical Girl Site around 2017 or so and being used to a whole fanfare of violent magical girl shows, I arrived to Madoka and I kept asking myself, where is all the blood? Where is the angst? The edgyness? Sure, a character just died in episode 3, the cutouts are artsy and fancy, but to be honest with you, I'm not feeling subverted right now! I am waiting to see the most shocking and grotesque thing to exist! Where is it?! And then, I have to adjust my expectations, the plot it is very interesting with the material it works on, people say Kyubey did nothing wrong, and that is a discussion you can argue with very solid points, but if you are familiar with the the time loop genre or time travel stories, you will see that Homura is a good girl from episode 1, from episode 1.

I kept eating my nails waiting for Madoka to become a magical girl in every episode, just to start to realize around episode 5 and 6 that it most likely wouldn't happen in the whole anime, and if it did, it would probably be only at the very end, because the story is about avoiding letting Madoka become a magical girl. When you realize what kind of story it is, you can see the whole picture of it before it ends, it is just so tidy and clean to the point it is almost antiseptic and symmetrical, just uncannily geometrical, it just feels artificial, and fiction is that, artificial, but the magic trick is about to make it feel like its not. Sure, you are going through a very elaborate and carefully made build up, but even when I am in that slowly but surely ascending roller-coaster, I could be ripping my eyes out because I just want the roller-coaster to start to descend! I am seeing the whole landscape from up here already! Just shake me right now! Scare me away! Even when the show ends with a character turning into godhood and rewriting the entire world and history as they knew it you can't do anything else than say… yeah, that was a good ending, all arcs were written… all characters were there… and the conflict was resolved as it should have, it was all done, in a tidy neat little bow, overall, it is one of the TV shows of all time.

Listen, I know that there is only 7 basic plots for all fiction, I get it, and it is not easy to making something properly satisfying when you have to handle several characters, fantasy worlds with rules on their own, the feelings you want to convey and handle the life of all people that live temporarily in your head, but I just want to dream! Is that so wrong? Is it wrong of me to wish for a character that makes me feel absolute and complete rage even when do not actually exist? To want to feel inspired by a conclusion a character reaches that is actually taboo for the place they and I live in and that makes the audience raise an eyebrow because it defies the status quo? To have a Chekhov's gun unfired the whole play? I just want to feel that the world I am watching to feel real! To have the gun there just because it happened to be that there was a gun there! Not because it was left by the karmic threads of destiny for the heroes to pick! That is what I want, it will make people angry, it will make people confused, but that doesn't matter, because at the end of the day, that's what I really want, I want to feel things! Not to account for all the mathematical equations the screenwriter is trying to balance on a narrative!

So, in this movie, we see something further beyond than that perfect, tidy ending of the show, we see that Homura, despite Madoka's promise of being always everywhere and every time, is still afflicted by her inability to interact with her, to see her or talk to her, to see that Madoka cannot see interact with her friends, her family, and that for most purposes, she is as good as dead to the world. Because all of this, she ends up, due to Kyubey's meddling and others, creating a fake reality where she and her friends are all fighting as a group of friends, always together, and living a happy life following their own duty as magical girls, the life they always dreamed. After a lot of suspicion and her good detective skills, she realizes that the city they live in is no more than a mirage, and that the friends she has been fighting with have been trapped due to her own grief. Even Madoka, who used to be an omnipresent being, had turned into her previous, human form, and it is interacting with the world just like she used to. After all this, Homura, yet one more time, decides to follow her path of a martyr, and tries to sacrifice herself now that she has gotten her wish to talk to Madoka yet one more time, she doesn't want to keep her friends in a glass prison where everything is fake, where they fight threats that do not really exist, where Madoka is not doing her duty saving other magical girls, and she cries because she knows that even after the sacrifice Madoka made, she is still unable to move on, and it is heartbreaking.

Just before she finally jails herself in an eternal prison where not even Madoka to save her, ready to experience eternal pain, her friends come to save her, Mami and Kyoko, who after realizing they have been trapped they decide to help, and even Bebe and Sayaka, who had died in a way or another in the past, are in a way, alive, helping Madoka, and are working together to save her. It is all a nice display of the power of friendship, and a nice ending, so nice, so wholesome and cute that almost makes me puke, hehe, even Sayaka says that they are kinda like Madoka's secretaries and are moving through the cosmic plane in a carriage, isn't that nice? Since they are all working together, why not start giving presents to the kids every 24th of December as well? Why not make it a tradition? Call it, I don't know… Christmas or something! Even when had experienced those characters death's, it's fine! They will just go back to the main dusty cloud of the whole universe hivemind, where they will continue to do good deeds like the super heroes we are in our own life! Haha! Haha! How nice! Isn't it?

Don't make me laugh.

Anime has touched a lot of times the idea of instrumentality, right? The idea of being part of a whole, huge massive being, Evangelion, Kaiba, Code Geass, and Ghost in the Shell have mentioned the idea either as a main plot device or mentioning it as something they want to avoid, right? Because the unknown is scary, that's the basis of cosmic horror, the basis of losing our own individuality, our self, and become something that might not even be truly alive to our own eyes. So when Madoka takes Homura's hand and promises to take her with her, to that afterlife, so they can be together forever, I can feel the fear, I can feel the wish, the need to avoid that to happen, because even if there is a promise for her to be together forever, Homura has already experienced the pain of being unable to interact with Madoka in the human world, the pain of knowing Madoka wouldn't be able to interact with other people, her friends, what does even mean to be a god if you can't put your own will of your own in the entire universe? If you can't experience what it is to have your own senses? To be a fragile and mortal being? After Homura remembers all the pain she went through to keep Madoka alive in every loop, and the pain she experienced even when she somehow achieved with Madoka entering into a new plane of existence, she decides that that's not what she was to have, and an awesome thing happens.

She takes Madoka and breaks her apart, stealing her power, and yet once again, jailing her in a reality she has herself made, just as she said herself, a new demon is born. The story, in a way, ends the same as it just started, but with the big difference that Homura has turned from protagonist, to antagonist, from secretive hero to anti hero, and the people who trusted in her, the audience as well, felt heartbroken, felt disappointment, and condemned the movie because of it. But the thing is that, even when the pacing is convoluted and filled with a lot of exposition and shortcuts, the story on itself it is not! It is not, I can feel the character's pain and their whole psychological progression, I can deeply relate to them in a way that feels so real that I can almost touch it, the trying to help behind the shadows, the failing and succumbing to despair, the accepting the bittersweet solution and gray reality of things, and the pain that comes from realizing that you can't really accept that bittersweet reality and you just break over again! Like, to put a very personal and specific example, I am trans, right? Trust me, this is relevant. So, I start realizing I want to be a girl, and I say, yeah, this is a phase, this is not right, and then I try to push it inside, and I try to be more manly, and I try to become more outgoing and talk with girls the way it is expected from me, and I fail, and I fail, and I am awkward, or I do things I don't understand and that do not work because I just don't like acting as a man, but I keep trying, and I end up having a lot of faux passes and sour memories of all my high school life because of it, and then I just start to understand that I am no more than awkward boy and that I am fated to be an awkward weird boy all my life and that's just how things are, that girls can do certain things, and I can do certain things as well but not what girls can't, and that dream girl that always inhabits my mind its just someone nobody else can really see, just like Homura accepting that Madoka wouldn't never turn into a tangible person in her own world.

But, I can't accept it! It is unbearable, it is really really unbearable, and not really a fair compromise at all, even if I am not trying to date anybody, even when I am trying to be on my own, be with myself, I just can't accept being a man, because it makes me miserable, seeing myself in the mirror, it makes me sick, my voice, I hate it, the relationships I have with other people, they are noting more than a mask, nothing more than a facade in a shell I am carrying and in a body I can't even use to express myself well! So what do I do? I do what I should not do, I do something that could be considered a crime, against what our religion told my family! What everyone thinks is right, what even my own biology gave me and what should be the right path to take, instead of forgetting about all those desires that I should not have, I take the bite, and I start a physical transition, even if it means losing the friends I had, even if it means probably losing my parents! Even if it means becoming a stranger to the people that knew me and making cry to the people that took care and grew up with me all my life! Because that is my desire, because that is what makes me happy! Oh and because screw you, that's why. Wouldn't destroying the God that reigned over your life and do whatever you want completely outside of the plan he had with you the most liberating thing you could ever do? Wouldn't that be the ultimate expression of your own free will? See? This is what is so good about Homura's character this arc, not because being becoming trans is akin to becoming a villain or any nonsense like that, but because to have what you truly want, you sometimes you will have to take decisions that will make others unhappy, because sometimes you just can't play the good girl all the time!

After this, Homura turns from the tidy and fated secret martyr hero of her perfect and tidy story and turns into something a lot more real, she turns into someone you can't really agree with because turns to be heavily flawed in her morals, but that you still deeply relate with, and that emotion she felt around the end of the movie, I felt it deeply and intensely, and you feel it too, because we have seen not only her breaking point, but also the whole arc and descent into madness. Despite all sorts of bad villains we have had in super hero fiction lately, villains that end up evil because of an accident or just because the protagonist didn't pay attention to them for long enough (looking at you Iron Man 3), Rebellion, despite being a super hero film, it takes its time to make its own protagonist, a real and true villain. In anime we have had villains with enough sympathetic qualities, like with 千と千尋の神隠し [Spirited Away] where we can see the need for control and order that help us see her in a more humane light, but they still have a certain, really clear defect like greed that give enough reasons for the audience to not side with her, in films like A Clockwork Orange we have seen villains so vile and disgusting that you would never want to side with them, but have some compassion for after they lose a bit of their humanity, and in recent films like Joker, we have had villains where you feel so close to them that you can't help but say, it is me! I am a villain, if I was in that person's shoes, I would turn into a villain all along, I would be the one to hurt you, because this is what my pain has turned me into! Because I simply can't hold it together any longer! It is me! Me! Me! Its that kind of villains that makes you really tremble, that make you really scared, villains like Joaquin's Joker, like Homura, because you are scared not of anything fantastical, or a fictional concept, someone with a powerful gun or over aching politics that are outside of your own reach, you are afraid of your own self, and the horror that creeps within…

I have seen people even argue that Homura did nothing wrong, but even when you agree, like me, that she did something truly wrong, just because she was in love, you just can't help but feel for sympathetic for her, not even because we have been love, or we also have had a crush, but because we all have experienced grief in a way or another, and we are afraid of the unknown. There is something that I really like about cosmic horror and the fear of the unknown and I think turning humans themselves the mere sources of that fear of the unknown that you can use to evolve the genre in something new. With the ending, the whole movie and the franchise altogether breaks into that neat tidiness and clockwork precision of character arcs and destroys a character that people liked making it into something really different, but you want to know why this is great? Because it all felt real, because unlike all the rest of the shows answers and questions, that moment alone felt like a break into the perfectly synced chain of events that lead Homura's life. This is why, even with all the qualms I have with the movie, with the show itself, with the things I don't like and the things I can laugh at, this is why, this movie deserves my absolute and guaranteed five stars, making it the top of 10 movies I have ever seen, because what I felt with it, I felt it so vividly and so intensely that for a moment I felt I could see a real person in its plot, rather than a mere sets of puppets pulled by a writer's strings.

I remember a comment about Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens [Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror] where a person said that in their class the people who watched it kept laughing the whole way through the movie, making fun of the techniques, the plot and the tropes of the time, even after when the movie finished and they all left, but there was one moment, one single moment around the end where Nosferatu dies and turns to ashes, everyone stayed silent, surprised, and for that moment alone, they felt the surprise and shock of the character's death, without saying anything, only feeling what was really happening, and they commenter said, that is cinema, and that's right, that is cinema! Even when I did not understand Броненосец «Потёмкин» [Battleship Potemkin] the scene of the stair kept me fascinated and horrified the time I watched it, and with this movie, I got shaken to my very core at the end, do you understand what I am trying to say? Sometimes we will interact and understand movies and fictional media as much as we do real people, partially, only in bits, but if we do, that moment we connect with each other will become something truly special.

Even when there are unanswered questions at the end, even when there are characters that could have gotten more screen time, even where the pacing could have been a lot slowed down, even when things could have been shown instead of told, even when the character design is too chibi-like for me to call it actually interesting, even when its just a goofy magical girls movie with all those idiosyncrasies that this Japanese sub genre of super hero fiction for kids has that seem silly to me, even with all that, I think this movie is truly great, not just because of its artistic direction and animation eye candy, but also because its with its conclusion that the movie achieved something that felt real and unique. Stories about exploring godhood are incredibly fun because they are stories where you can get really creative with the stakes of the plot and it's conflict. In the movie, that whole concept in the movie morphs in an amazing idea, filled with lots of possibilities, from the silly little comedies like Bruce Almighty where Godhood comes as something that might not work for you because the balance in the world is too big for you to keep in control on, or action films like The Matrix Revolutions where your mere existence as a God is part of the chain of events that keeps the world fated to die, will you keep your power at the cost of everything else? Or would you sacrifice yourself? On games we also have theories like the ones of the Elder Scrolls franchise where it is implied that the universe is simply a dream of The Godhead, so keeping him asleep becomes part of the thin thread that keeps your existence, and the laws of your world can become more flexible since everything your characters know is purely oneiric on essence, and that is just an incredible help for your world-building when you are a writer!

This movie plants the idea of a demon trying to keep God asleep because they are in love with them and for real though, that is probably one of the funniest ideas to come out from fiction in 2013, there are other anime like the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya that play with the concept of Godhood and the task of having to keep a God asleep but this whole series turns that concept with an antagonistic lenses, which makes it a lot more fun, since the biggest catastrophe is not something you want to avoid, but something that you live in every day, in the story. I know, I am afraid and excited for the upcoming sequel, because just as I can feel a great connection with an artist, or a person, that something can always change after we all move to the next stage of our lives, just as a franchise moves to a (probably final) sequel, and a new arc, still though, I know that was done here will always mean something to me, it is not a simple retcon, it is not unnecessary, it felt warranted, it felt genuine, and it made me feel truly intense things.

And that is, my whole review.

10/10

[has-gilgamesh-doneanythingwrong]

Let There Be Cake!!

In which an assortment of Mastersonas visit Seihai’s Chaldea for some tea.

Disclaimer: Err well this may be a very random representation of all the masters, but I hope you enjoy it. (lmao) This may be a bit ooc ;; don’t destroy me pls

Decorating the tables with napkins and cutlery; Mash, Gudako and Seihai helped prepare for today’s meeting.

“I can’t believe so many masters are coming to visit,” Gudako grinned, as she nudged Seihai in the ribs- her eyes gleaming with mischief. “You’re lucky that I managed to get people like Emiya to lend a hand with the cooking!”

Rubbing their side indignantly, Seihai grimaced. “Hey, don’t nudge me like that! And yeah, I’m grateful...I almost had a panic attack once I caught sight of the guest list.”

Seihai was struck with awe once they realized how many different Chaldeas existed concurrently amongst one another. All they had sent out was a measly little pager, yet it had managed to make a huge impact.

“...To think that parallel worlds really exist...I dunno what to say, really.”

“Haha, try seeing it this way instead- if we can even summon servants from mythological epics, then who’s to say that only one version of this world exists? For all you know, we may live in an entire realm of endless interdimensional universes!” Spreading her arms wide, Gudako reared back her head with laughter, as Seihai accidentally tripped over the table. “For all you know, there may be 100 Gudakos! And they probably all have a nice harem tucked under their sleeves, as well!”

Before Gudako could lapse into yet another one of her much-loved rambles, Da Vinci rushed towards the door of the canteen. “Yahoo! The guests are all here, Gudako, Mash, Seihai. I sure hope you’re prepared!” And with a wink, they were back out the door again.

“Senpai, I think that’s our cue to go now.” Mash cuts off Gudako’s resistance by wrapping her arms around them. “No, senpai. Let’s leave Seihai to deal with teatime today. Good luck, Seihai.”

“Thanks....” Seihai muffled a laugh when they caught sight of the flailing Gudako, who was passionately yelling “NO, I DON’T WANNA WAIT ‘TIL LATER! I WANT TEA NOW!”

‘Gudako sure is an interesting master...’ Taking a deep breath, they went to greet the guests gathering within the hallway.

As soon as Seihai turned the corner, a ginormous loaf of bread was thrust in their direction.

“GWAH!” Leaping back in surprise, Seihai almost tumbled to the ground, until another master with cool, black-lace boots helped them up.

It was Candace and Quin!

“S-sorry about that. You know...I saw your face, and the bread. Yes, well here’s some bread.” Candace smiled softly, as they passed their loaves to Seihai. “I wanted to pass a gift for today.”

“Thanks, that’s nice of you. This bread smells amazing...I feel like I’m in bread heaven...” Turning back to face Quin, Seihai grinned. “Thanks for the save there as well, Quin. You have great reflexes.”

“Ah, that’s nothing much! I just wanted to help, that’s all.” Quin smiles sweetly, as they peer at the bread. “Ooh, that does look tasty...”

“It’s bread courtesy of my own Olive Garden,” Candance’s eyes gleamed with pride; as Quin giggled softly.

“I’ve heard the tales of your Olive Garden as well. BB says that she’d like to make dragon steaks there someday.” As Quin cheerfully shared this, Seihai paled in terror.

‘BB? DRAGON STEAKS? SHE’S NOT GOING TO COOK LIZ AGAIN, IS SHE?’ Only Seihai worried about this, as Quin and Candace enjoyed a good conversation about all of the madcap shenanigans that occurred in the Olive Garden; as well as BB’s cooking skills.

Once Seihai lead them to their seats, they greeted the next group of visitors. There, was none other than Kiryu- with a shy Bunyan lurking by their side, as they held hands- and Julius, holding a rather interesting contraption.

“Nice to see you both,” Seihai waved. As they peered down at the trembling Bunyan, concern flickered across their features. “Is Bunyan okay?”

“She’s just a bit shy,” As Kiryu patted her head, Bunyan smiled brightly. “Hope you’ve got some good drinks and snacks for today.”

“Err...Well we have some tea and stuff....Hahahaha...” In fact, Seihai had no idea at all what was going to be served for tea. They had more or less left everything up to Emiya. “Yeah...”

“I’m looking forward to it too,” Julius unleashed a rather huge machine. “In order to celebrate, I enlisted the help of a few allies to make a ‘magical tea’ device.”

“Cool, what does it do?” Kiryu gave it a light tap.

“It can create tea; in any flavor you want.” Julius explained excitedly. “And by any flavor, I mean any.”

“Nice. That’s more my kinda style.” As Kiryu hi-fived Julius for his genius idea, Seihai clapped with wonder. Julius’ inventions were awesome.

“Thanks, Julius. Well, the canteen is just by there. I’ll see you in a bit!” As Seihai went to look for the other guests, they were caught off guard by an array of floating cards.

Yes, floating cards.

‘B-bruh..what?!!!’ “Y-yo...” Seihai smiled awkwardly as they backed away from the dancing cards. ‘Shit...Where’s my runes? SHIT!’ Worried that they were magical spirits or something, Seihai was about to unleash the algiz rune to make a protective ward- until the cards transformed into people!

It was an amazing magical trick. Arising from a sparkling array of stars was none other than Faye and Vann; two mages that were very adept at magical skills. As Seihai breathed a sigh of relief, Vann posed.

“Yo, it’s me! I’m excited for some tea today.” Vann gave both Faye and Seihai a fist-bump.

“Me too, it’s my first time visiting here! Glad to make your acquaintance.” Faye shook Seihai’s hand.

“Nice to meet you both as well." As Seihai greeted them, the two began to discuss their various skills.

"I'm amazed you also know some card skills and tricks, Faye. Think we could work together?" Vann summoned a card from thin air.

"Hehe, I was taught them by some good allies of mine. Sure, why not?" Pirouetting, Faye invokes a supreme burst of magic, as a bunch of photos land in her hands. "I've been putting my magic to great use lately."

"Ehh! Lemme see!" Vann and Seihai clamored around Faye, as they peered at her photos. "WHOA!!!"

In her hands was none other than a gleaming collection of rare Ereshkigal and Serenity photos....photos that were worth their weight in gold.

'Hot damn, that's so adorable...' Seihai's eyes watered slightly when she caught sight of the cute shots of Serenity laughing and Eresh blushing. 'Faye has some mad skills.'

"Whoa, you gotta teach me that sometime...Wait. Seihai, where are we going again?" Vann looked up suddenly. "Aren't we going for tea?"

"Ah, yeah...I forgot. The canteen’s just by your left.” As they went off on their way, Seihai freaked out in horror as yet another card leapt into their face-Vann grinning mischievously at them as he and Faye walked along.

“H-holy crap...card magic is so good, yet so scary at the same time...” Seihai hoped that they could be as good as them at magic someday. Finally turning to look for the other masters, they bumped into some familiar faces.

“Oh, there you are! We got lost on our way to the canteen,” The final group of masters stood nearby, waiting in the wings. Maya, Val and the mage trio of Kat, Cris and Jeanne greeted Seihai, as they lead them to the location of the tea party.

“Ah, sorry about that. Actually, I also got lost trying to locate you all,” Seihai grimaced. They had lived in Chaldea for god knows how long; yet still struggled to find their way around!!! “How are you all doing?”

“Never been better.” Maya spun to the side, tapping their feet. “It’s a nice break from my regular duties.”

“Ooh, you mean your duties as the CEO of Chaldea?” Kat shot them a wide grin. “How’s that going?”

“Perfectly well! I’m having a lot of fun. What about you? How’s the trio doing?”

“We’re doing great! Although Spartacus ran into a bit of a frenzy during the movie shooting recently,” Jeanne spoke reflexively, stroking her chin.

“Haha, sounds just like him!”

As they burst into rancorous laughter, Seihai tapped Val lightly on the shoulder. “How about you, Val? Are you doing alright?”

“Huh...? Oh, yeah?” A light blush sprinkled across her cheeks. It seemed as if Val was hiding something. And Seihai definitely wasn’t the only one to notice. Leaning towards Val, Maya cheered.

“You hiding a little something?” As Maya winked, Val’s blush deepened.

“Er...Well, you see...” Sucking in an enormous breath of air, Val swung a ginormous box out of thin air. “The girls and I picked out a bunch of tabletop RPGS for us to play! But I was a bit worried that you guys maybe wouldn’t want to play...So, yeah. Well, you know.”

“Val...” Seihai’s eyes glimmered with unshed tears. The fact that Val had gone out of her way to bring games that she carefully selected with the people she loved...It was adorable. So sweet that Seihai clutched their heart. “I really appreciate the sentiment. Thank you.”

“Yeah, we do too. Games are good fun,” Cris patted Val on the back, as Maya helped Val carry the enormous boxes. “No need to worry.”

“Trying out new hobbies is good! Besides, I read Jeanne Alter’s doujinshi on a daily basis. There’s no way I’d judge you for that.” Maya was right. Hobbies were great to share!

“...Thank you...”

Once everybody had gathered for tea, utter chaos ensued. As Seihai panicked, Emiya was competing against Julius’ tea machine. That’s right; Julius’ tea machine was a challenger in Emiya’s eyes. However, Emiya won the competition once he showed off his brilliant bartending skills- by elegantly pouring Kiryu a nice cup of beer.

“Heh. Not even a tea machine can match up against my bartending skills.” His expression was smug.

“He’s got you beat on that one,” Kiryu conceded, as he took a nice sip of beer. “Wow, this beer’s amazing!”

On the other hand, the other masters were cheerfully wolfing down Candace’s baked loaves, and a wide assortment of cakes that had been ever-so-kindly prepared for them. Even Bunyan was treated to a special pile of pancakes.

However, problems began to occur as masters started to arm wrestle over who’d get the biggest slice of cake. Despite this, Quin defeated every single challenger as swiftly as possible.

“I love cake,” She exclaimed, as she took a glorious slice. Nobody could defeat her!!

‘I’m so damn jealous...’ Seihai sighed, as they settled into a small slice. After that, things went even more nuts when playing some of Val’s tabletop RPGS. Even though magic was meant to be banned when playing games, that certainly didn’t stop anybody!

By the ends of things, the canteen was bustling with fun; laughter; and a massive pile of cards.

Once Seihai saw all of the masters off, they chortled. ‘That was a lot of fun...’

They hoped that they’d all come back again soon.

Lol it’s finished. Sadly, I couldn’t go into detail about the tea time events as there were so many visitors! well hope u enjoyed. XD

List Of Mastersonas Included (tags):

@hasabbydoneanythingwrong @hasishtardoneanythingwrong @hasereshdoneanythingwrong @hasnightingaledoneanythingwrong @haspaulbunyandoneanythingwrong @hasspartacusdoneanythingwrong @havetheavengersdoneanythingwrong @hasbbdoneanythingwrong@hasnobbudoneanythingwrong

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 512

Looking for a way to spend Mother’s Day? Well, we here at Outlander have the perfect idea! Celebrate with the women you love by watching us gang rape grannie!

This episode is like the perfect storm of everything that is wrong with Outlander. The cast and crew saying it’s their strongest episode yet when it’s basically artsy gang rape. The CYA trigger warnings when the story would have worked perfectly well without including yet another rape. The kool aid-drinking fans yelling at and acting holier than thou at the fans who rightfully call out the massive problem this show has with rape and assault. The fans yelling at other fans because It’S iN tHe BoOk so it has to be included. The fans yelling at other fans for wanting to follow the books but not wanting rape every 0.5 seconds. The fans yelling at other fans to fuck off if they don’t like the show. The women in the cast throwing out trigger warnings while the men are radio silent or wanting the gladiators to face the plague and fight for their own amusement. It literally has everything.

And I am tired.

I’ve been in this fandom for six years and have had quite a journey. From first discovering the show and immediately devouring the books. The honeymoon period where I could headcanon out all the problematic bits. The getting deep into the fandom nonsense. The getting out of the fandom nonsense. The judging the fandom nonsense because it’s funny and they’re all idiots. The getting sick of the fandom nonsense because it’s not even fun to judge the dummies anymore. The becoming more and more aware that it’s impossible to whistle past the problems in the books and the show. The sticking around, holding out hope things might turn around and the initial magic could be recaptured. And finally, the giving up.

The books are trash. The show is trash. There are a handful of good scenes in each which can be enjoyed on their own, but as a whole, holy shit this stuff is not good. (Seriously, I tried to do a Fiery Cross reread before the season started. I started like a year ago and am still only at Jocasta’s wedding because I just don’t care enough to actually get through it.)

Which brings us here. I am tired. I have already ranted and raged and yelled and swore and wrote far too many words about the gratuitous overuse of rape in the Outlanderverse. It fucking has its own tag for fuck’s sake.

So here’s a recap. And then I think I’m done looking at this show in detail. Not because the idiot fans insist on coming to my notes to tell me to fuck off if I don’t like the show. Not because the crew are condescending douchecanoes. Not because the author is a misogynist garbage heap. But because spending an hour of my time for a few weeks out of the year to write these things isn’t worth it. I did it for as long as I did because it took so little time. So why not? But yeah, it’s not even worth that tiny commitment anymore.

And to the people who I know will @ me about how no one was forcing me to stick around and I could have quit any time, yeah, no shit captain obvious, I know that. Fuck off already. I stuck around because I really liked the little corner of the fandom that I’d found. I made some awesome friends. Most of those friends have since quit the fandom. I’m really glad to have them in my life outside of this little corner of the internet. And it was a fun writing exercise. I don’t really like the show anymore, but I enjoyed building an argument about why I don’t like it and think it’s bad that has valid points behind it. Especially considering how blindly overly adoring a bunch of the fandom is about it. But now I think I’d rather consume Outlander content as pretty people in pretty period costumes in gifsets. Or like, on in the background but not really paying close attention. Why not quit altogether? Because to quote the great Ron Swanson (I’m halfway through a Parks rewatch and I just love that show a lot ok.), I can do what I want. And besides, there’s like a fucking library’s worth of fics that I haven’t read and have been meaning to. And I like the characters enough to want to keep reading about them in stories that are better than the canon. (Bless you fic writers, blesssss.)

So. Was this whole ramble self-indulgent and overly serious for a fucking TV show? Absofuckinglutely. But please see the aforementioned Swansonism.

Alright, fuckos. Let’s do this.

This is a Roberts brainchild, isn’t it. *checks credits* Yup. Knew it. This feels very much like a Roberts special. In that he is probs quite pleased with himself but like, it’s crap.

Yes, we ARE doing ANOTHER rape story! But look! It’s a disassociation montage! It’s the ‘60s, get it?! There are callbacks! An orange from the king in season 2! A vase from season 1! A rabbit from season 3! An amber-looking dragonfly! Jamie with the young hair spouting off book lines! ApPrEcIaTe MuH aRt! We are so good at finding new and creative ways to rape our characters! Fuck off, twatwaffle. You are the worst.

Like, does Roger feel left out at this point? He’s only been hanged. Literally everyone else has either been raped, been sexually assaulted, or been threatened with rape and/or sexual assault.

“But it’s not gratuitous! Look! They’re all so different! Jamie’s was overly graphic and he got a half a season to brood about! We manged to not show much of Fergus’ (but still showed a thrust) because he’s a child and it was just a plot device for Jamie and not actually about him! Mary’s was about Fred! Claire’s with the king was about Jamie! Jamie’s with Geneva was shot like p0rn! Marsali being threatened by the sailors was to motivate Fergus! Bree’s was about the other people in the room and Roger! Claire’s really has no purpose because she’s already been kidnapped and beaten, and that is super traumatic, and we’re gonna wrap it up with a bow by the end of the episode!”

This fucking show, guys. This fucking show.

Bonus points* for the Black character spouting off the superstitious stuff.

*By bonus points I mean this show, and the books are absolute shit on matters of race. The books especially.

The cast and crew have 100% heard everyone’s thoughts on the overuse of rape in the Outlanderverse. And their response has been to include more and more of it. We had a whole season of one character’s arc being about her rape and literally as soon as that was resolved, they gang rape another character. It really does tell you as much as you need to know about them. Lazy. Fucking. Cowards.

Kidnapping not enough trauma? Let’s add some gang rape! Gang rape not enough trauma? Let’s add visualizing that your daughter and grandchild are dead! Just like Fred died! This show really brings trauma p0rn to a whole new level.

Called the Bree and Roger shit.

This scene with the men rallying to go save Claire is like another layer of fuck you. Bree, you stay home, men, give your hero lines and let’s have a getting ready montage. Because your hero moment is what this is really all about. And your manpain about killing someone. *screams into a pillow*

The petty side of me is happy that it was Fergus and Young Ian who are with Claire when they find her and not Roger. Her two sons...

Why yes, I am judging all of the fans who like get their panties all wet over Jamie being like “It is I who kills for her.” Like “yeah go ahead and rape and beat Claire within an inch of her life if it means the big strong man gets to come in and save her and say something intense.” Fuck off and go take a hard look at yourself and what that says about you.

“Was there an Indian there?” “Nope, he wouldn’t help you because LiOnEl but somehow was able to peace out when it was in his interest. Because he is as bad as the ones who actually raped you.”

The Bree and Claire hug makes me both sad and angry. I want to hug them both and take them out of this fucking place and tell them that they’ve been done dirty and deserved fucking better from the writers.

Glad Marsali gets in on the hug. Claire’s two remaining daughters.

Claire’s “I have fucking survived” speech is like the one time she she actually talks about herself not in relation to a man. It’s about her. Claire. HOWEVER! It is epically fucked up that a woman needs to check off all the trauma she’s endured to show she’s a strong character.

So. Fucked. Up.

The fact that we’re spending time on Roger’s manpain about killing someone also really tells us a lot about the show’s feelings toward women. Yeah, killing someone is a big deal. It’s normal and expected to have feelings about it. But the juxtaposition of Claire’s speech about all of her traumas with Roger being like yeah, I killed a guy who had kidnapped, beaten and raped your mom is like, read the room, bro/writers.

The fact that the men put Claire’s rapist in her surgery, her space, her place of healing, where she is able to be most herself, makes me want to punch each and every one of them in the throat. Like seriously. Fuck each and every one of them.

Also Lionel is like cartoonishly terrible. Not that nuance has ever been this show’s strong suit. But like come the fuck on.

Marsali killing Lionel is the one thing about this episode that I didn’t hate. The men are all like “We kill for Claire! Let’s all rally in this montage and go do the manly thing of defending the woman!” Marsali is just like, yeah, that’s my Ma you fucked with. She shows some agency. She doesn’t do it in a performative way for the other men or for Claire like the guys do. She just knows this fuck needs to die, knows it’s gonna be hard for her and might damn her soul (don’t worry Marsali, all that religion crap is bullshit), and does it anyway.

Marsali’s arc has been my favorite of this whole fucking series. The one bright spot I was hanging on to all of this season especially.

Her quick scene with Jamie doesn’t bother me like Roger’s does. Because Roger is like oh no, I killed a guy! Can you forgive me? For killing a rapist? Like fuck off, bro. And Marsali is like yeah, I killed a guy. I hope I’m not damned for it, but the guy needed to die so I did it.

Also like, Richard had potential to not be cartoonishly bad. But like nope. “He reaped what he sowed, but cLeArLy I’m gonna need to escalate this further. Because manly men can’t let shit go.”

Fuck all men, tbh.

*googles how to emigrate to Themyscira*

Jamie’s speech that’s like supposed to parallel Claire’s can fuck all the way off. Giving him the last voice over just underscores how this was all about men. Not Claire. But the men. Fuuuuck everything.

Look! Everything’s fine again! Back to normal! Peaceful for a bit! With a cheesy af on the nose storm coming! So you know something bad’s coming! In case you forgot!

And Jamie got a book line. So it’s all good now.

And don’t worry about Claire, y’all. She feels safe now. Her and Jamie fucked it out.

It’s amazing, in retrospect, that I ever let this story suck me in so much.

Happy Mother’s Day! See you on the other side of the hiatus.

[boompowkablam]

Favorite Fic Rec- List # 3

WALKING DEAD LIST

Just a list of some of my favorite stories. I’m gonna act like I remember how to link stuff it will be great. Pairings are going to be Daryl/Glenn and Daryl/Jesus. Maybe a Daryl/Rick thrown in IDK .

     How These Days Grow Long  By Never_Says_Die

This work is COMPLETE!

Written in response to a prompt on The Walking Dead kink meme:

Rick & Co. are finding it increasingly difficult to deal with Daryl's outbursts, his racist remarks, and easily-ignitable temper.  They are in fact, considering just cutting their losses and telling him he has to leave when they come across another group of survivors...one of whom is very, very special to Daryl.

AU in which Glenn and Daryl have been in a relationship for a few years before the ZA, and were separated when Atlanta was overrun.  Each think the other is dead, and Glenn ended up with a different group of survivors while Daryl ended up in the quarry camp.  Story also assumes Merle would've turned his back on Daryl for getting involved with Glenn, so they parted ways long ago.

Action , Adventure, Love , Suspense,Sadness,Longing, Its just everything you want from a fic. Word count 100,538. Pairing Daryl/Glenn

     The Diary of Glenn By  ornategrip

Seasons 1 and 2, as seen through Glenn's diary.

This is so funny I love it! I wish I could make a podfic for it like whoa.

Word count 4,938. Pairing Daryl/Glenn

     Ghosts Among Us  By  TWDObsessive

Daryl sees the dead.  Not the walkers, the twice-dead once they become ghosts.  It started since the turn and he assumes it’s his body’s reaction to the walker infection they all carry.  One by one he experiences losses of loved ones and each of them come to visit him.   And they all seem to be guiding him to Rick.

This was really good but also really sad to me. Mind the tags so you don’t read something upsetting . Word count 6,422. Pairing Daryl/Rick

     Picking Up the Pieces  By  Riastarstruck

When Rick works night duty while recovering from the shooting, he becomes friends with Daryl, the young guy working community service as a janitor in lieu of prison time.

"If you found an animal in an alley and it was raining and you approached it, it would try to bite you. But if you could get it inside and feed it and take it somewhere warm, it would follow you forever. He's got that kind of vibe to him." -Norman Reedus on Daryl Dixon

This one is cute but also makes me feel sad even though it’s not sad.

Word count 21,161. Pairing Daryl/Rick

     While the World Falls Down  By  oleanderedits @oleanderedits​

They were supposed to have ten days to dispute the quickie wedding they'd had the night they'd been drunk. The world went to shit three days later. Part 1 of a series re-write focusing on Glenn, Daryl, Merle, and Maggie as what it means to be 'Family' is stretched, twisted, and redefined by circumstances no one should have to live through. Covers Seasons 1 and 2 and mostly follows the canon storyline.

This is hands down 100% my absolute favorite walking dead fic. It is so good I have read it so many times now. I seriously can not get enough of it.

Word count 48,284. Pairing Daryl/Glenn , Glenn/Maggie , Daryl/Maggie , Daryl/Glenn/Maggie.

     Friction Match  By  vegarin

It's the end of the world. You can be anyone you choose to be."  Daryl Dixon, at the end of the world.

I am not sure what it is about this story that makes me love it so much! I am working on a podfic for it right now so at some point I’ll have a link up for that.

Word Count 24,769. Gen no Paring.

     Fall Into Your Arms. By  doctorkaitlyn @banshee-cheekbones

“I am done with dating.  And I mean it this time.”

Glenn is sick of his friends setting him up.  He’s sick of going on bad dates and he’s sick of getting his hopes up and never hearing anything back.  In all the time he spends not going on dates, he can do things that he actually enjoys, like sleeping or marathoning a television show or trying to find a better job.

He is done with dating.  Seriously.

At least, that's what he says before he meets Daryl.

This is so cute and awkward I love Glenn’s bad luck.

Word Count 4,549. Pairing Daryl/Glenn

     Dear Mr. Hawkeye  By  Psmith73 

@psmith73

AU. Glenn is a struggling student neck-deep in debts. One day while trying to earn some money he gets himself in serious trouble. An anonymous benefactor offers him help in return for weekly emails describing events of his life. Jean Webster's "Daddy-long-legs"/TWD fusion. COMPLETE.

This is really good I dont know why I want to say human disaster Glenn but im  gonna. I think its cause it references marvel hawkeye but also Glenn kind of is.

Word Count 20,552. Pairing Daryl/Glenn.

something keeps pulling me back to you  By  wardeness

 Daryl Dixon sat on the steps of his porch, elbows resting on knees as he sharpened his knife. Katydids called around him in a chorus of chirping crickets, the sound only interrupted by the rhythmic scratch of metal on stone. The heavy air—a sure sign rain was coming, Daryl predicted—felt moist and honeyed against his bare arms. The evening was calm. Peaceful, even.

 Peaceful, that was, until Jesus appeared.

AU after 6x11. Slow burn.

Super cute .Super fluff.

Word Count 64,037 . Pairing Daryl/Jesus

Daryl's Addiction By  DestielHardcoreLove @bugandkitlove

Paul had no clue what was going on.  It seemed as if every time he turned a corner he would find Daryl on his knees with someone different from the community.  He didn't know what to make of it, what to even think but he did wonder how to get on it himself.

This was just really funny to me. Instead of talking I’m gonna make sure you catch me blowing the town.

Word Count 7,702. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

  Against the Dying of the Light  By   LottaCharlene

After escaping Terminus, Rick's family is at their strength's end. When the walls of yet another community loom over their heads, they must decide if they take the risk to seek refuge in this new community. They are met with a strange tradition that they are still willing to follow through for the sake of their family's well-being. Soon enough, they realize that they found a place that they could call home again. But the peace is treacherous and yet again they have to fight for their freedom and the lifes of the people they love.

Unexpectedly, Daryl is the one that has to fight for more than just his family.

So very good and sweet and sad and Gregory is a nut sac but you already knew that. Also I fucking love arranged marriage fics.

Word Count 108,454. Pairing Daryl/Jesus.

 Ripples on a Black Shore  By  Mugatu

For Daryl Dixon the world ended days before it did for almost everyone else, and it was heralded with a prerecorded phone message instead of a bang.

An AU fic where Daryl met Paul several years before the apocalypse.

Kind of sad but with a happy ending.

Word Count 200,540. Pairing Daryl/Jesus.

 Cross Your Fingers  By  starclipped

Daryl finds himself wrapping his fingers around Paul’s wrist before a bandage can be pulled from the tattered box. And Paul peers at him when their skin touches, fierce eye to fierce eye, with… with such veneration. Daryl wouldn’t know that feeling if he saw it, he thinks he’s seeing it now and he can’t believe it, but he can sure as hell feel it; rolling off his hippie ninja in waves, seeping into Daryl’s soul. A gasoline soaked rag, simply waiting to be set aflame. That's what he's become. He swallows the foreign emotions that suddenly make him feel too big for his body.

So very good and kind of sad worth the read for sure!

Word Count 204,186. Pairing Daryl/Paul

 Finders, Keepers  By  Joel7th

Jesus came to Alexandria to do trade and to see a certain grumpy hunter. However, he didn’t see said hunter; instead, just outside the walls of Alexandria he found a black cat – wait, was that really a cat?!

I found this so funny!

Word Count 10,148 . Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 All you need is twinkling stars and ancient cities  By TooRational  @toorational

Daryl Dixon of all people turns out to have the Ancient gene.

Go figure.

Or: The unlikely tale of a redneck from Earth and a Runner from the Pegasus Galaxy, and how they fell in love.

I fucking love Stargate Atlantis Crossovers and this was amazing !!!!

Word Count 16,454. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 Help Wanted  By  Scababagorn

Daryl Dixon hasn't believed that he deserved to be who he really is. He hasn't ever felt safe enough. Is the reason that so many of the people he loves are dead. And then, suddenly there is a man named Jesus. And he likes to call Daryl "Dixie"

Cute,cute, cute I love it!!

Word Count 22,618. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 if the world should break  By  transstevebucky @gaydaryl

It's not like Daryl hates the guy. It's exactly the opposite.

Very cute. Be mindful of the tags daryl gets outed without his permission.

Word Count 36,343. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 Misunderstandings in a Car Crash By  Neeka

Misunderstanding. [mis-uhn-der-stan-ding]

Noun 1. Failure to understand correctly; mistake as to meaning or intent

Warning: Does not mix well with love and may lead to heartbreak

Dude like super sad face for like half of this but it gets less sad .

Word Count 18,614 Pairing Daryl/Jesus.

 Breaking the Cycle  By  AidaRonan @bisexualstarbucky

Daryl's life seems to follow a cycle of pain and violence. So when he starts falling for his new roommate, he's more than wary about what it might mean.

But sometimes breaking a cycle means making a choice.

So very cute a little sad also be mindful of the tags.

Word Count 7,416 . Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 Fables of the Reconstruction By  Mugatu

It’s more than two years after the end of the world and six months after the war with the Saviors when Daryl Dixon returns to Alexandria.

This is just so good holy crap and glenn lives which makes it even better!!

Word Count 91,918.  Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 You're Like Me (a goddamn idiot)  By  yellowhairedrobot

Jesus tilted his head to the side. “If I tried to kiss you right now, would you kick my ass?”

“Yes,” Daryl answered, way too quickly.

This is funny and gives me extreme second hand embarrassment.

Word Count 6,395. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 the streets are full of strangers  By  smilebackwards @smilebackwards

When Deanna asks Daryl to leave Alexandria, he meets Paul on the road a little earlier.

I would like to say cute-meet . lol its very good and very cute.

Word Count 11,563 . Pairing Daryl/Jesus

There is also a podfic for this.

     [Podfic] the streets are full of strangers  By  Boompowkablam   @boompowkablam

Length 1hr 7 mins

  a heart that's on loan  By  smilebackwards @smilebackwards

Aaron and Daryl discover Hilltop on one of their scouting trips and find that the community has an interesting throwback custom for establishing alliances: marriage.

I LOVE ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND THIS IS THE BEST ONE!

Word Count 11,686.  Pairing Daryl/Jesus

 Just Another Day  By  PezzieCoyote                   

What if Daryl was the one in charge? How would things be different? And what secret is he hiding?

Supernatural elements you know besides the zombies .

Word Count 9,950. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

  Escape  By   AbigailHT, TooRational  @toorational @abigailht

  By the time the song starts drilling into his head worse than the headache, he's come to the conclusion that he can't do much.  There's no way to get out unless someone unlocks the door, and even if he could, he has no idea where he'd go once he's out anyway. Nor has he any idea who has him. Or why. Or where. Or where home is. Or—Basically, he doesn't know anything, and even the things he does know are mostly instinct and completely unverifiable anyway.He's contemplating sitting back down again — he'll have to do it at some point, if only to preserve his strength, but the cold, and the dirt, and he's naked, his skin crawls at the mere thought — when the song shuts off abruptly.

Or: The Saviors' latest prisoner isn't quite what he seems.

Its just like everything you ever wanted out of Jesus in the show. So good a tiny bit sad.

Word Count 6,894. Pairing Daryl/Jesus

There is a podfic for this.

  Escape  By  Boompowkablam @boompowkablam

Length  45 minutes.

[iwillgetridofyourangerforyou]

Update on my OPM Journey

An introduction to how I ended up here and what I’m looking for:

Season 1:

Like many of us here, I watched the first season of One-Punch Man when it arrived on Netflix around 2016. It was fun. I enjoyed the humor and the characters. Finished the few episodes that were available and went on with my life with the faint but idle hopes of another season. If you were to have asked me about OPM back then I probably would have said something about it being ‘a fun anime’, ‘worth watching’, ‘entertaining/amusing’, without much additional thought. Then, Season two came out. I was almost surprised that a second season actually came out, it had been so long. I wish I could explain to you how and why the second season hit me like it did, (the quality was not as compelling as the first for one) but that’s a story for another time. 

Season 2:

I was idly curious how the author would keep the concept of ‘a hero who can defeat any enemy in one punch’ fresh and interesting. Superhero franchises often suffer from the crushing pressure to continue to escalate threats indefinitely to always keep a hero’s journey relatable and interesting. When you’re faced with overpowered superheroes like Superman plots can become ridiculous fairly quickly. What I noticed watching through Season 2 (and then season 1 again and then season 2 again) was clear indications that this tired ‘treat escalation trope’ was not at all what the creators were leaning on. There were really powerful conversations and questions being presented by or through characters. Saitama’s conversation with King is one that stands out to me in particular:

I was floored. And suddenly my level of investment in this content went from 20% “eh, it’s fun, I’ll check for new episodes.” to “holy crap I neeed to figure how what is happening here this is f-ing amazing!” 

And so began my ongoing quest to figure out what ONE is trying to teach us through this story.

I started reading the manga. 

At first I fell easily into the habits of most half-invested fans, clinging to overused tropes, enticed by fan predictions that feel more like conspiracy theories now, generally ignoring some of the themes and ideas that more observant fans are able to uncover. I’m getting closer but I feel myself getting frustrated, there is more going on here that I’m not seeing. My internal predictions about what will happen in the manga as I read through were getting closer but I keep missing the mark so far on some areas that I felt blindsided. 

I need to re-evaluate how I’m looking at this. I need more information. 

I started reading the webcomic. 

The webcomic really helped clarify some things for me, it was de-convoluted and direct. It was like looking at the bones of the animal. I could see it’s joints, where it bends and where it’s rigid. You really start to get a sense of what this story is built for. The scenes and dialogue are poignant and every frame has a purpose.

Still, this wasn’t good enough for me. My research is not over. I keep mis-attributing things, and missing clues. Through this process I’ve been getting better at uncovering my own biases and learning how to separate them from my interpretation but my biases are a continual stumbling block. For one thing I don’t value all the characters or the lessons they have to teach, I find my lazy brain getting annoyed at some characters and hoping their voice in the story is minimized while hyper-laser focusing on other characters to the point that they become muddled images, grotesque self-projections, or over-complicated distractions. I need to get out of my head a bit, not forgetting my own biases, and I need to start seeing how ONE thinks, who he is as a person, what he values. 

I need fresh source material. 

So, I watched Mob Psycho 100. 

That gave me so much hope and optimism for what ONE has in store for his characters. I’d gotten used to authors who create characters for the purpose of their deaths. Who creates characters who are intended to be ‘terrible, awful, and no good’ to highlight how ‘amazing, sweet, and good’ other characters are. But that’s not what ONE seems to do (imo). It’s not that he doesn’t use characters to contrast other characters, but that’s what it is, a contrast more than a judgement. From my perspective ONE understands the importance of consequence, he values inter-dependency gratitude and accountability. 

That said, he shows that a character's actions have consequences. It’s not necessarily moral judgement against a person to say that if they make fraudulent claims they may be found out and shamed, or if they’re standoffish they’ll have trouble building connections, if they use power to manipulate and control people with fear they might lose people (especially if that power is taken away). The use of consequence seems to extend past a person’s choices and include the consequence of a person’s circumstance which may not actually limit a person in a meaningful way, but will impact how they’re able to achieve what they desire. There is a moment when Mob runs for student body president and he’s put a lot of additional work and practice into the speech he’s required to deliver, he stretches himself, but unlike other stories he doesn’t have a ‘surprising under-dog upsetting the establishment’ moment. His natural shyness, low charisma, and the lack of real public speaking experience result in him standing in stunned silence during his entire time slot.

He doesn’t win the vote. Similarly, Mob sets an ambitious goal to come in the top 10 people in a race, but as a consequence of being a naturally small kid who has only just begun actively trying to improve his body, he is unable to accomplish his goal. However, as a direct result of the effort and determination he’s put into his goal he does much better than he’d ever done before. 

I had no idea before watching MP100 how much ONE thinks about interdependence and now I have a new perspective on the tension between the hero associations and the heroes, the teams of heroes and their individual strength, how well a team works together or not and why seems to be a very important topic of exploration for ONE. There is a very powerful moment when Mob confronts some esper goons who are looting a store after the destruction of part of a city. When he confronts them he asks “could you guys manufacture this can? Could you actually grow the vegetables in this sandwich?” and concludes that thought with “You should realize that you’re only able to survive thanks to the help of others.” 

There is another powerful moment when Mob is being confronted by another bitter and disillusioned esper who tries to get Mob to tap into his negative emotions to increase his power. He tries to get Mob to despair in humanity as he has but Mob is able to turn the tables on the interaction with gratitude. By recognizing how fortunate he is and how many good people are near him he is able to pull himself (with a little help from Dimple and friends) out of despair. It’s a truly heartwarming moment and it leaves you really feeling bad for the antagonist in that situation. 

Conclusion for this post, (but not the conclusion of my research):

This is getting a bit long so I’ll conclude. Taking this dive has certainly given me some perspective and I have an overwhelming buffer of new OPM analysis that’s just waiting to be put to paper. I absolutely recognize that MP100 =/= OPM and ONE may indeed be exploring entirely different concepts. I don’t believe, however, that ONE’s values have changed much (although I’m sure they’re in constant development) and I’m grateful for the opportunity to see what he thinks about. I’m grateful for the time and effort he’s put into communicating and sharing his ideas though his comics. I still have a lot of personal biases to identify and overcome, that will be a constant struggle. However, part of the charm of my meta’s is that they do come from my own perspective. This little story is only a hint at some of the fish in the ocean of thoughts I’m swimming through trying desperately not to drown in as I open my big mouth to try to share with you all. (Welcome in, the water’s fine.)

[artyrogue]

Blind Date Gaming: Konami GB Collection Vol. 3

Boy, I am WIPED after my date last night. It all started out as it usually does -- a quick visit to PRANG for an introduction to my next potential video game suitor. Who could have guessed that I would served up 4 dates! They all came together at once under the guise of Konami GB Collection Vol. 3.

I was greeted at first by an anime schoolgirl with a huge hand and quite possibly a contender for the weirdest hairstyles I've seen in a while. What is that, a grass-inspired mohawk laid over top a normal haircut?

Is this what the cows that make cowlicks eat?

What happened next was an eventful set of speed dates. This onslaught left me with no down time, thus the exhaustion. However, I did end up meeting some nice games. I'll speed through them each quick-like to keep this from being overly long. Luckily each of the games are pretty short (as expected from Game Boy games)!

First up is Gradius II! Now, I've never actually played a Gradius game, so I can't say if this is a port, some reconfigured version of Gradius II, or what. What I CAN say is that it has tight controls, beautiful graphics, interesting bosses, and some fun gameplay.

Looks like a rocky magic 8 ball

You start off hangin' out with what I assume are your dad and mom starships. Aww, family time! Soon, however, someone decks your old man and blasts your momma fulla lasers. Obviously disturbed, you fly forward and get chased by the perpetrator through a buncha rocks until you escape.

Good thing this guy doesn't feel like firing at me for whatever reason

...Except you kind of don't? You end up going through a bunch of planetary landscapes, shootin' dudes and grabbin' powerups that let you fire lasers and stuff. Pew pew! You eventually get captured, break out, and summarily fly through a ship, an asteroid belt, and I think some alien's guts? I'm not sure; I never went to med school for interplanetary digestive systems. Bosses fight you at every turn, and they are so sweet. Like, I don't always know what I'm attacking, but it just looks so cool that I really don't care!

Ever want to fight a kneeling, fanged alien stuck in a wall with detachable mouthy-brains? Yeah, well now you do, obviously!

In the end you find the enemy ship that assassinated your nuclear family with nuclear weapons, commit your own brand of galactic revenge, and I assume go on with your day in a half-arsed way, never addressing the journey you just went through for fear of sparking up some majorly weird PTSD.

Next up is some Castlevania game! It claims to be Castlevania II, but don't think it's Simon's Quest since it doesn't have slow-scrolling text boxes telling me that night is a poor time to explore the world when suffering from a magical adversary's angry sentiments. Instead, you just go about whippin' junk. Alright, I can be a lion tamer for the undead.

Why do cultists always gotta wear hoods? Can't they wear like a polo and some comfy slacks?

So in this installment, you can apparently shoot fireballs from a fully-upgraded whip, so it's instantly MUCH easier than most Castelvania games. The list of enemies is kind of lacking, but it was enough to feel competent. The level design was pretty spot-on, which is par for the course, though for some reason this game has a love affair with ropes? They're EVERYWHERE, but there's enough variation in the levels to give them pass. For example, some areas have auto-directional-pulling ropes, some ropes are spider webs made by enemies, some require quick sliding to avoid obstacles, etc.

You gotta wonder, does the guy living here have to go through all these traps every day just to get his mail? And how does he carry groceries back to his (probably rope-decorated) kitchen?

The boss fights were definitely memorable. Some of their designs were flat-out brilliant, and they were all pretty fun! Your sub-weapons weren't really that useful here, but that's fine. The bosses, too, were made a little easier with the projectile whip, but the designers struck a good balance between fun and hard.

These guys shoot out vertebrae in an arc, transferring them from one head to the other. I don't have a quip here, it was just a stupidly awesome designed boss that I wanted to gush about for a bit!

Well, perhaps I spoke too soon. The bosses were all fun except for the last 3 in the game. Allow me to whine and complain about them for a bit, if you will! The first was a tunneling snake on a forced scrolling screen that made you take damage unless you memorized where he was going to surface next (I HATE memorization-by-death gameplay). The next was a fellow Belmont who would relentlessly whip the crap outta you, throw swords all over the screen, and would probably be nigh impossible if I didn't have Holy Water. The final was Dracula, who I suppose gets a pass for being hard since he was the final boss...but he, too, was pretty much a memorization-by-death fight, too. The dude has 6 orbs revolving around him that spread out, essentially making 85% of the screen unsafe. Unless you know the specific spot to crouch down for the given position he's in, you get hurt, and you get hurt pretty badly. Oh, and you can really only hit him once per attack, so you'd better learn the safe spots for all 8 of his attack spots and hope you can hurt him and get into your safe position before taking damage.

ouch ouch ouch OUCH

In the end, it was overall a pretty fun time. Konami definitely knows how to make a good sidescrolling action game, which is probably why they're half of the name of the 'Metroidvania' genre. Go team Belmont!

Next up: Yie Ar Kung~Fu! What is this? I've never heard of it. It's a simple fighting game where you face off against 5 fighters, each with their own weapons and special moves. You play as a normal weaponless guy who can only kick and punch, because that's fair? Regardless, you must persevere through 4 rounds of these 5 fights, each time with your foes getting slightly harder.

Mmyep, this is fair.

My trademark fighting game strategy of sweeping seems to work for the most part, though as the difficulty ramps up, the other fighters move with ridiculous speed between attacks. Eventually, the game just becomes 100% about approaching a foe with more range than you, which obviously is the main focus of fighting games. What's that? Combos? Pffft, those are lame, just have the enemies fly across the ring like a sugar-high Jack Russel Terrier.

So this guy's power is to propel himself like a missile and look like an absolute goon while doing so

There's also a mini-game where you hit things thrown at you, but like they show up so quickly and your animation speed is so slow that it's impossible to do very well. It was an okay game overall, though, but I can sort of see why it isn't as well-known as Gradius or Castlevania.

Last game: Antarctic Adventure! It's a penguin-based racing game! I think? Does this count as a racing game? Well, you race against the clock, so sure. You gotta move at top speed through an icy wasteland, avoiding sea lions and holes in the ice.

I like how this sea lion looks after getting plastered in the face by a penguin moving at ~120 km/hr. Is he in shock? Is he alive? Should I notify his next of kin?

The lore is actually pretty deep in this game. The world has fallen into ruin due to global warming, and the glacier sheets on Antarctica are slowly melting away. As a penguin trained in espionage and terrorism, you must travel to the different embassies that many countries have propped up in an attempt to stake a claim in possibly the only livable area in the near future.

The french are planning to build replicas of their famous landmarks here, like the Ice-full Tower and Arctic de Triomphe.

You're not exactly racing as much as you are keeping ahead of the authorities pursuing you for planting bombs in the embassies. If you successfully plant your payloads in all of the embassies across all of Antarctica, you destroy their chances of bringing cultural imperialism to the local wildlife. Your customs are at stake! You must cast your empathy aside for the greater good of penguin-kind!

Also, you can sometimes turn into a helicopter? Not sure what that was about.

Okay, okay, yeah, I may have embellished a bit there. No, it's not as cool as that. You just run from one place to the next and heck if I'll ever find out why miscellaneous countries happen to have little castles in a barren arctic wasteland. People's taxes at work, I guess!

Oh right, there's also a fifth option on the main menu. It's Ms. O.C. Anime Girl explaining things about the games to you. I can't read anything she's saying, though, so I can only imagine the shady koala statue in the back has some relevance to her dialogue.

So that ends an exhausting series of dates. Whew! Glad you toughed it out with me. As I've completed all of the games this time, I didn't think another date was warranted. However, Gradius and Castlevania were fun enough to say that sure, I guess, it's worth going on another date in the future. Maybe it'd be better to find the original games, though, instead of this particular port. I can only assume the extra screen real estate, better sound effects, and greater ROM size would only enhance their experiences. And speaking of experiences, grab a Sprite of Passage from the jar over there on your way out! It's mint-flavored and can double as a water purification tab if you're ever stuck somewhere in the wilderness!

Man, I would kill to watch a skeleton ballet

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

((YOU NEED TO SEND YOUR FICS TO SCOTT DERRICKSON SO HE CAN READ HOLY CRAP))

Awwwww, thank you! You’re very kind to say so, and I’m gonna cherish that comment for a long, long time to come!

I like to think I “know” the MCU version of Stephen pretty well (in my own special way, anyway; the mileage on that varies for the many people who write fics featuring him).  “My” Stephen is almost exclusively predicated on Benedict’s magnificent interpretation, so I probably miss a lot from comic book canon.  As you may know, I focus on his brilliance and angst, his unselfish service, and that he doesn’t see himself as a hero, let alone worthy (due to his past) of love and forgiveness.  And ofc, I try my best to give him someone to love him unconditionally, and elevate his perception of his own worth.  In both fluffy and…um…smutty ways.😉

But that’s probably a far, far cry from the way Scott Derrickson or anyone involved in Strange’s franchise, see him.  Of course, if they came calling and asked for input, you better believe I’d have my pencils sharpened and ready to go!

Since we’re discussing Strangebatch fiction, please let me recommend a couple of my favorite authors, whose work with my beloved Master of the Mystic Arts I never miss:

@aelaer​ – SIMPLY BRILLIANT! And amazingly prolific. Original storylines, works equally well in angst, hurt/comfort, and humor.  Stephen is 100% in character all the time, and you can feel how much the author loves and respects him. Besides their work on AO3, they’ve done an FANTASTIC series here on tumblr for Whumptober 2019; blogger hasn’t missed a day yet, and all of them either feature Stephen or someone closely connected to him.  You really should stop what you’re doing right now and GO READ…if you love Stephen as I do, you’ll be hooked!

@strangelock221b​ – She writes fluffy, romantic fic (like me ;-) ), with just the right share of angst when needed. Has a beautiful grasp of Benedict’s Stephen, and writes with astonishing economy, stirring the feels we all enjoy from fic reading with far less need for embellished language.  Couples him in ‘rarepairs’, finding in characters pulled from elsewhere the MCU, the ideal paring for him—to give him the love and comfort he so richly deserves.  I absolutely find myself wishing I could be the lucky ladies she matches with Stephen.  She’s Dreamin on AO3, and if you visit there you’ll find a wealth of MCU and Sherlock related fics to fill many happy hours reading!

[cynthiaandsamus]

Game Blondes Crystal Clear Nuzlocke Part 2: A Shining Chance!

“Hey I’m blonde!”

“…I’m also blonde.”

“AND WE’RE THE GAME BLONDES!!”

(Game Blondes Logo by @game-overture)

“Welcome back! So last time on Game Blondes we started our freeroam Crystal Clear Nuzlocke, our rat died in our first battle but we got a lot of other pokemon to replace it, fought a dude with a Shiny Ponyta and made our way halfway across Johto to fuck around. Now we’re gonna go check out Goldenrod since the dude with the Ponyta mentioned it and see if we can start nailing down some badges.”

“Okay so just a note about this game, seems like the trainer battles scale to your badges but the wild pokemon stay around the level they would be… considering the Hoothoot and Psyduck you caught last episode were in the early teens and you still have zero badges.” Cynthia pondered.

“So technically I could just run into a field way down the line and catch something super powerful and ram through the whole game?”

“Well theoretically, as long as you could manage to catch it and manage to live with yourself for cheesing the game that represents my life’s work and career.”

“…fine, fine. Spoilsport…” Samus huffed. “Anyway, I’m making my way down from Ecruteak to Goldenrod, getting a few levels on Danny that Gastly from this guy with four Voltorbs that can’t even touch him. Gonna see if we can find that restaurant the DOOM guy mentioned and if not I’ll see if I can get a gym badge or something. Got a few levels on everyone from all the trainers on this route and got the TM for Rollout, that’s a fun move.”

“You won’t think so later…” Cynthia snickered.

“Well we’re in Goldenrod… shit this is Whitney’s town!?”

“Yup, welcome to Rolloutville, population you.”

“Should we save this gym for last for the memes? I mean that’d be an epic final battle.”

“I’m game, anything to put off going against that crazy cow lady…” Samus grumbled as she searched the town. “Well the train’s here so I can get to Saffron and Kanto, it’d be funny if I got Sabrina for my first badge, bet it’d piss her off to get beaten by a level 10 Gastly.” She chuckled.

“I wouldn’t tease Sabrina too much, she can beat you up without touching you…”

“I’ll hold off on it for now if only because I already have a lot to explore that I’m skipping over and Saffron is ridiculously big. At least I got a bike to travel it a bit faster. Oh and an Eevee sitting on a table, lemme take that…”

“Hang on, lemme see that Eevee real quick…” Cynthia took the controls with a grin.

-10 Minutes Later-

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SHINY! How’d you do that!?” Samus gasped.

“Weren’t you paying attention to the tutorial? Shockslayer said Gift pokemon have a higher shiny rate and the game saves before you pick them up for soft resetting, so if you get a good rhymn down you can reset a lot real quick and get a shiny.”

“That is so cool! I love you Cynthia! I got a White Eevee!”

“This counts as part of your birthday present, I’m not helping you any further.”

“Fine fine.” Samus grinned, absolutely giddy with the white fluffball. “I’m gonna name you… Norman. Cause you’re Normal-type and a smart little white fluffball and we’ve been watching The Promised Neverland lately.”

“Hopefully that’s not an omen for this Nuzlocke…”

“Ah shit is this accidentally in bad taste?” Samus winced. “Well time to go Underground and explore some more of the shops and punch some of these trainers in the throat.”

“…no wonder the Pokemon League denied your application to become a trainer.”

“Well I got a coin case and it looks like this guy is blocking the path to the other hallway so I’ll leave him alone for now, I’ve been warned that some of these guys have huge teams that can wipe me out…”

“Yeah, I read there’s a level 100 Magikarp somewhere in Kanto’s early game, so be on the lookout for steamrollers…”

“Well since I got the Coin Case might as well check out the game corner…”

“Holy crap you can just buy a Master Ball if you have enough coins! And a Lucky Egg too! I definitely don’t have enough time for that but that’s really cool!”

“And you can get some pretty cool pokemon too… too bad you already have Eevee so you can’t get any more pokemon for this town…”

“That’s fine, I’m very content with my Shiny Eevee, lemme get some coins though…”

(Mun Note: Due to Standards and Practices we are not allowed to show Samus gambling in case you’re in a country that hates it)

-One Gambling Montage Later-

 “Well I doubled my coins and officially hate gambling, so  let’s go check out the Department store, I’m sure there’s some cool stuff there, only got that, the Radio Tower and the gym left so almost time to be on our way.”

“Yay! Shopping spree!”

“Oh sweet, here’s the Tradeback NPC, he can evolve my guys, I’ll have to keep that in mind when I get an Upgrade for Porygon.”

“Well there it is, you just need more money…”

“Well I’ll save up and come back, I’ll let Polly stay as she is for now, can’t have my baby growing up too fast. We don’t even have a single badge yet.”

“Damn that’s right, we’ve just been derping around for an episode and a half…”

“Well we found a bunch of TMs at the shop here, keep those in mind, damn I really am broke…  Just gonna stock up on balls, check the radio tower and get out of here before Whitney crushes me for dawdling in her town…”

“Oh wow, an Event Move Tutor, you can learn all those weird moves they give out at events, give it a try and get your pokemon some broken moves~” Cynthia giggled.

“Well Polly learned Barrier, Norman learned Growth and Hooters learned Night Shade, so that’s all cool.” Samus grinned. “Got me some custom pokemon~ Making my way up the tower got a point for the Password radio game thing,  got a Sunny Day TM and a Pink Bow, that’s perfect for Polly, now she can feel even more like a girl and power up her Normal-type moves.”

“Your Trans Porygon is really cute.”

“Give the Amulet Coin Polly was holding to Norman now and at the top of the tower is this CHAOS guy who says he’s the new director of the station and wants to battle… here goes nothing I guess.”

“He… just has a level four Delibird… that’s not very intimidating for a custom trainer for this mod.”

“You have literally no badges and have been picking up pokemon left and right, feel like you’re a bit OP for this early in the game…” Cynthia sighed.

“Well he has a Cleffa too and I got some good money from it, guess that was worth it.  And I got a Nugget, so guess that was just a money pitstop. Well that’s it for Goldenrod, couldn’t find the restaurant but time to go to the next route and catch a new pokemon…”

-A bunch of pokemon Samus has already caught later-

“Oh wow a Ditto! And right next to the Daycare too! Guess I know what this guy was there for…” Cynthia chuckled.

“FUCK it took like all my balls but I got it… why did I want this thing again?”

“Breeding?”

“Breeding!? This is a children’s game I’m not gonna make my monsters have sex, what kind of sick fucks are you trainers?”

“Well you have it now so that’s good.”

“I’ll name it “Brothel” …for obvious reasons. I really need to get some badges so these trainers stop having level like six pokemon.”

“Then pick a gym already.”

“Fine, next town we go to I’ll fight the gym there. Just getting through this forest and catching this Oddish (nicknamed Oddball).  Got the Headbutt TM so I can punch trees like this is Minecraft.”

“Ahhh a Dark Souls reference last time and Minecraft now, soon we’ll be a regular mainstream Let’s Play streamer.”

“Awww man, Bulbasaur pops up here! We could’ve caught the mun if they showed up first!”

(Sad Bulbamun noises)

“This girl says Kurt knows about the Forest Guardian, so better head into town to see what that’s about… oh neat, I don’t have to wait to get Apricorn balls, this guy in Kurt’s house sells them for money.”

“And Kurt passed you off onto Professor Oak about the Forest Guardian thing… sounds like a fetch quest to me…” Cynthia sighed.

“Might as well squash some bugs for my first gym, I mean Bugs seem like a fitting start to me.”

“I mean Bug-types aren’t the most powerful but Bugsy does the best with what he can…”

“Alright Hooters, you’re a bird, you’re in charge of the bug squishing duty.”

“Well he’s got a Scyther at least, that’s cool, but he’s still no match for Hooters!”

“Wow that was quick, you and your boob-themed owl are unstoppable.”

“Well he did poison Hooters and get her down a bit, so if I’m not careful she could faint on the way back to the gym, but I did get my first badge so hopefully stuff gets more challenging from here~ One badge down, seven to go.”

“Fifteen.”

“…what?”

“Crystal Clear has both Kanto and Johto gyms in it, there are sixteen badges, you have fifteen left.”

“…well shit, I better get cracking…”

“Looks like you got a call from the Pokemon League too, they say if you’re in Johto to visit Sprout Tower to get something cool, a “FLASHy” reward… subtle and to go pay your respects in Ilex Forest, that’s probably to do with the sidequest we stumbled on earlier.”

“Well I’m starting to move up in the world, they gotta start recognizing me! Well might as well go down to this Slowpoke Well and catch something. Ooooh there’s breakable rocks here, I’ll teach Dudette Rock Smash and break one to see if I find something cool~

“OH FUCKLE, A SHUCKLE!”

“CRAP! I killed it, it gave me an Encore so I couldn’t get out of the loop… ugh, oh well, guess there’s no use crying over spilled Shuckle. Guess that’s all I can do in the Well without Strength for now… Might as well work my way back up to Violet Town and go to Sprout Tower like the League said, even if I don’t want to go in order, getting that reward would probably be good and get me some more pokemon along the way.”

“Well you killed that Zubat too, so no new pokemon on this route either.”

“WHY DOES EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIE!?”

“At least you caught that Whooper (named Whoop) in Union Cave.”

“Well Whoop de doo. A few battles later and I’m back in Violet City. I didn’t wanna do these gyms in order but I guess doing Flying-types second would be fine since I’m here anyway and have the pokemon for it…I need to get more badges to increase trainer levels so I’m not too OP right away.”

“Dudette, you’re in charge, kill these birds with one stone.”

“Well you’re the same level so I guess you’re not too overleveled, you just have a serious type advantage.” Cynthia sighed.

“Well took down his Pidgey but damn, wasn’t expecting Pidgeotto to have Mud Slap, Dudette’s in the red and her accuracy has gone to shit, better switch out. Do your best Poly! Alright! Two Psybeams and Pidgeotto is down~”

“Another badge and another call from the Pokemon League.”

“This time a warning about not watering wiggling trees, so you can probably get the watering can from that girl we saw in Goldenrod, plus a message about getting Cut from the Charcoal guy in Azalea Town and a note that Professor Elm is very generous so we should probably go back to him too.”

“Okay so we’re doing pretty good for this little neck of Johto, lemme make a list real quick of our goals.

1.       Go up Sprout Tower and get the reward

2.       Go back to Professor Elm and get a reward

3.       Get Cut from the Charcoal dude

4.       Squirt Trees

5.       Talk to Professor Oak about Ilex Forest shit

6.       ???

7.       Profit

“Sounds about right to me, looks like we have a lot to do… NEXT TIME ON GAME BLONDES!”

Samus’s Journey So Far:

(Color-coding the path by episode for now, may or may not continue to do this depending on if it’s a pain in the ass when it starts getting bigger)

Samus’s Current Team:

[sometimesrosy]

You really think they’re going to go back to earth?? I mean, I could see Bellamy and Clarke landing at the dropship site all ready to rebuild humanity with radioactive playing softly in the background, fade to black. But I can also see them really leaving earth in book one.

It is, of course, only a speculation. I don’t know. I recognize that I am leaping ahead of canon evidence to make that speculation, but then, I have done that before and been correct. I guessed, from out of nowhere that cryo sleep would be a solution, but my guess came too early. I guessed that for the COL they would save everyone instead of losing everyone like MW, because that’s the kind of twist that would keep an audience on it’s toes. Once i accepted the time jump and clarke left behind, I guessed that she would become a mother, although I said it woud be bellamy’s child. So i got the motherhood right but not the shipping spec. When you spec on this show based on shipping it’s almost never right, that’s not how they make their narrative choices. I guessed that s5 would end with Bellamy and Clarke would lose the war for Eden (McCreary cheated) and take their people who stopped fighting into the wastes for an exodus. As the season went on it became probable that the exodus would be in the stars instead of on earth. So like, these big conceptual stories? I’m picking up on. I think it’s because I speak the same language as JR, 90s scifi geek who went to college to study writing. We have the same references in our heads. Once I started LOOKING for his symbolism and allusions and archetypes, the whole show fell into place and made a lot of sense to me. This show is NOT random. He’s not changing the story to please fandom or to hurt them (except in cases where he can WORK with the changes.)

I’m not intending to brag, I’m intending to show you that although my spec seems like it comes out of left field and there’s no basis for it, the basis actually comes with the TYPE of story he’s telling and the common language in the GENRE. Like, I started picking up on his symbolism in s3, but if I didn’t keep getting confirmation that I was right with the themes and archetypes and symbolism and allusions, I would have changed my theories. But I keep getting confirmation that I’m on the right track. JR is going down a familiar path for me. So I’m trying to find the street signs and show them to you so you can follow the path too.

So WHY did I come up with this wacky theory about Clarke and Bellamy returning to earth? HOW? It didn’t happen until s5 was over and I started getting asks and started reading/watching those references he told us about and started thinking how all the storylines converge.

long and involved, so, below the cut.

Snarky foreshadowing– This was when I first went, wait, what? Raven, when she flew the last ship off of earth said, “Just once I’d like to take off from a planet while it wasn’t burning.” TWICE she’s done that. Third time’s the charm. They’ve been fixing the traumas, I think we’ll get this one again too, only this time the planet won’t be burning. They’ve got ONE planet left. The new one. Therefore, they will be leaving the planet and it won’t be burning. But WHY would they leave the planet when it’s not burning? Then I had to find a REASON for them leaving the safe haven planet. 

History repeats itself– This story is about how pre-apocalypse humans were ruining the world. Becca is the real wanheda. She, her creation, eradicated humanity. That’s the genocide. She started the harshness of the Ark because of her madness. She started the harshness of the grounders as Pramheda. She came back and we saw her trying to fix what she’d done. She ALSO had to do with the eligius program and invented their nightbood. THEREFORE, the new planet colony is a descendent of Becca’s original crimes against humanity. Was it all an accident? Sure? But also it was the result of her choices, her hubris, her genius.  She is Doctor Frankenstein. (Actually I just made that connection and I feel stupid for missing it. Does it work? Anyone see it also?)

You are responsible for your monster when you let it out– Lincoln’s words. VERY IMPORTANT. This makes EVERYTHING in the story make sense. If people don’t take responsibility for their evil, they are the monster. If people TRY to take responsibiilty for their evil, they are the hero. That’s why leaders sacrificing others is not a sacrifice, they aren’t taking responsibility they are using people. But Clarke or Bellamy risking their lives to fix their mistakes IS heroic. It’s not always smart, but that’s the good guy move. hero/monster has been a theme since s1.

The structure of the story is a spiral– They are returning to their greatest traumas and FIXING them. Making the right choice this time. Teaching others to make the right choice, learning from their mistakes instead of doubling down on their evil actions in order to make it worth it, like Octavia all season 5. Or Lxa in s2. Or Jaha the whole show. Or Cage Wallace. Redemption comes through recognizing your monster and DOING BETTER. Redemption is a MAJOR theme of post-apocalyptic stories. 

Eligius 3 are Colonialists, NOT refugees– Monty said that they went to the new planet to USE the resources because the resources of the earth were used up. They aren’t looking for a home, they’re looking for another planet to consume. THIS IS WHAT STARTED THE ORIGINAL FALL OF HUMANITY. They reflect the values of Mount Weather who believed the earth was their birthright and treated the people on the surface as cattle to be used and tortured. This is a repeat of the MW conflict.

Eligius 3=Mount Weather– that means we’ll be getting a redo of the biggest and most traumatic “failure” that Clarke and Bellamy had. Except, it never really was a failure. It was the RIGHT thing to do. It happened also to be best for their people, but it was GOOD, even though it caused harm to some innocent people, because as Maya said, none of them were innocent. They were the disease. Clarke (med student, remember?) had to KILL the mountain to put it out of its suffering (like Atom) and to save the rest of humanity. This means that Eligius 3 will ALSO be the disease. They ARE the disease that caused the apocalypse. 

JRs reading/viewing list: all about the aliens– Weird non linear, non reality hybrids of alien and human. Consciousness. AI. Philosophy. Religion. I have not gotten to see ALL of the films or read the books, but I’ve researched them all a bit and they share themes. Also Avatar (blue not airbender) And I believe that we’ll have a non-humanoid kind of alien that bonds with the humans to create something new (also if you’ve ever read Ender’s Game which JR certainly did, it actually moves on to tell the story of Ender as Speaker for the dead, and his psychic connection, facilitated by an AI in his head [JANE!] who brings back the dead species and allows another very odd species to be recognized as sentient.  HOLY CRAP Madi is the speaker for the dead. omg i just realized!

If humanity is to be redeemed, they have to be responsible for their monster – They have broken the cycle of violence amongst themselves. They encounter a society that will be JUST as poisoned as the pre-apocalypse society that started this all. Russell’s people will BE the monster. Their enemy (the aliens who are NOT their people) will be the victims.  To be the good guy, they will have to CHOOSE their enemy over their people. Lincoln did it. Maya did it. They were The Good Guys. Clarke and Bellamy will have to end Russell’s people. In doing so, they will replay the MW trauma, but this time they will understand WHY it had to happen and will heal the trauma of the past, because they are HEALING humanity.

If humanity is to be redeemed, they must FIX what they have broken, that is The Earth itself– They can’t drop Earth when it’s no longer providing for them and move onto another planet that they can use up. If you look at The 100 in terms of environmentalism, which you can, you can see this would make them the bad guys. To be the good guys, they have to go back to what they did and start over. This fits the spiral structure, as well as being the Good Guy and being responsible for your monster. 

They aren’t going to discard the earth, or humanity– Why? Because they wouldn’t let Octavia martyr herself. She represents humanity. She will now be forced to WORK to redeem herself and fix what she did. So will humanity. They do not OWN the Earth, the Earth owns them and they are the caretakers. Octavia needs to go back to earth and treat it like her responsibility, not her property. She needs to follow what Lincoln believed. The attempted martyrdom was a reference to Lincoln. But she was cheating. She can’t cheat redemption.

THEY CAN’T CHEAT REDEMPTION: THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO EARTH. In real life, none of this would have to happen, but this is not real life. This is JR with a story he wants to tell. The story is about the redemption of humanity and two mythic heroes who save humanity, not by keeping them from dying, but by leading them to redemption. THIS IS EPIC. 

When I started thinking about all these thematic questions, I saw that it started to form into a narrative, and many of the characters had roles to play within this narrative, some more than others. When I looked at those characters and their relationships, it completely connected to the long game stories of the relationships of the delinquents and the storylines that are actively being told and have been left open at the end of season 5. 

This theory slots the character arcs into the themes of the show as a whole AND the new main plot story of aliens, new planet, russell’s “peaceful” (yeah sure) society, bellamy and clarke’s commitment to be the good guy. 

So yeah. I see them leaving the new planet to take responsibility for the planet humanity killed, destroying russel’s peaceful society so they can’t destroy the new planet, and leaving Madi behind (she is special) as the steward for the new people. 

Because of the ORIGINAL foreshadowing that brought on this spec, Raven wishing to take off of a planet that isn’t burning, we know that they won’t destroy the new planet. They will save it. And leave it. In order to redeem humanity. 

leaving madi and echo behind with the aliens is not necessary for this redemption plot, but it fits the youth shall inherit the earth generational story and reflects Abby’s struggle with letting go of Clarke, and also Echo’s story of belonging and family and loyalty, and with her stated backstory. You see how this theory connects the larger themes to the character arcs? it just makes sense to me. It isn’t convoluted to me. It is a direct if this, then that, kind of logic. It’s just that it is bringing together MANY past concepts and lessons to save humanity. I don’t know if it sounds convoluted to other people, so if it does, ask me question and we can see if i can get it any clearer.

I can tell the entire story now, with places for the main characters dealing with their personal stories. And it all fits. It’s CRAZY but I’m so excited about it, I can’t wait to see if I’m on the right track. Because if I am it is going to be SO GOOD. Like REALLY. Like miraculous. And everyone who ever hated on this show is going to have to eat their words. Just. I mean. WOW. 

And all the characters people think were discarded and deserved better? They all have an important place, too. Wells has the vision for a life well lived. Lincoln’s idea of being responsible for your monster. Lxa’s power will actually be related to how they can save the new people (the flame), Maya’s conviction that she needed to stop her people because they were doing the wrong thing. Jasper’s belief that the problem WAS humanity and it might not be worth saving. Luna’s desire for peace. HOLY SHIT. 

[firedingo]

A Not So Little Update Post On Life

So it’s been a while since I’ve done one of the blog posts. Not by choice though. Life has been hectic!

Dad

So one of the biggest changes for me has been walking into a full-time caring role for my father who is challenging at the best of times because he likes the world to operate on his terms and that’s not how life works. At times I struggle to get him to see the seriousness of his situation.

He has long term health issues which include chronic alcohol abuse leading to memory issues and seizures when he undergoes withdrawal. He’s also only partially compliant with taking his medication which leads to further issues.

On top of that he had a valve replaced a few years ago with a metal one which means his blood clotting level needs to be monitored regularly and at the moment he’s like a rollercoaster going between so thick it’s like cheese to so thin it’s like water.

It’s also not helped by the fact my father is also essentially homeless and couch surfing with friends and refusing to even entertain any option that would cost more than $100/week. He’s dreaming if he thinks he’ll find anything at that rate because he won’t but because a mate of his will charge him that much to sleep on his couch he now compares everything else to that -_-

Uni

The other big thing which I think I’ve mentioned before has been uni. I went back to study to finish off my bachelor of Information Technology off. I have about a year’s worth of work left but doing it at part-time rate since I’ve been caring for my father.

Passed 1 of 2 subjects last semester which was my first semester. Got an additional exam for the other subject. Missed passing the final exam by 8 marks which means no subject pass even though I have the marks to pass :(

Only doing one subject this semester but will sit two exams in exam period. The additional exam from last semester and the exam for this subject. I’m hoping I can do this. A touch anxious because despite dropping back to one subject I’m still struggling to find time thanks to my father.

So 2 weeks ago my father was admitted to hospital confused thinking it was 1999 again. I spent a week concerned about him. Then 2 days ago I was admitted briefly for a few hours.

Viral Illness

For the last 6 days I’ve been suffering what I think is just a common cold but it has beat the living crap out of me. On triage at the hospital I had a temperature of 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

I was also highly dehydrated despite drinking perhaps 4 litres or more of water every day for the previous 4 days. Alas none of the water was being absorbed and was just passing through me.

I also had a heart rate of 130 beats per minute which is only like 40 more beats than I’d normally have.

So they started me on a bag of fluids and got me some pain relief for my throat which by this stage was making it all but impossible to swallow food or liquids. About 30 minutes into the bag of fluids they checked me again and my temperature had gone up to 39.1 degrees Celsius or 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Yikes! Another 30 minutes later and my temp was back at 38 degrees Celsius or 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit.

Then the lovely nurse I knew gave me some steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat and started some antibiotics to cover their butts in case bacterial(I don’t think it’s bacterial but anyway).

Quite a few people commented that the colour has returned to my face after the bag of fluids. I began to realise little things like the return of saliva generation, the reduction in my thirst desire which I’d just not really registered in the 4 days prior. I was drinking automatically when I needed it but not really registering I was thirsty.

After everything I felt a lot more alert and more like myself. I wasn’t shivering every 5 seconds too. Just before discharge they checked my obs again and temp was down to 37.2  I think degrees Celsius or 98.96 degrees Fahrenheit. I remember 37 point something at least. Almost normal as I think it’s 36.7 for normal. My heart rate came back from 130 beats per minute to 100 beats per minute which was much better too.

So as you can see I’ve had a hell of a week with a raging fever and cough and sore throat. On Tuesday evening I reckon I might have been a good 39 or even 40 degrees Celsius / 102.2 or even 104 degrees Fahrenheit.

So consequently I’m now so far behind on an assignment due this week. Hoping I’m granted special consideration for it. Between my dad last week and me this week I’ve been unable to work on it. It’s not hard but it will require a clear head and time neither of which I’ve been able to find.

Church & Christianity

Now the other big news. So I’m not sure if I’ve said it here or much here but I think it’s worth sharing.

So 7 and 3/4 months ago I started going to church with my neighbours. At first it was an exercise in curiosity and intellect. I learned heaps and found sooooooo many assumptions I’d made were sooooooooo wrong too.

Remember kids, Never Judge a Book By Its Cover! And that goes for the Holy Bible too!

Seriously though I’d never read it and made assumptions from what little I did know. I was made a fool of to myself for that. I was glad to know the truth first hand for myself.

What I never expected was to believe. In all this time I’ve been skeptical and questioned everything and you know what? It stacks up more than you might expect.

What has struck me the most is when you read through what Jesus went through in that final week leading up to his crucifixion. It becomes pretty clear that the horror of what is about to happen begins to really set in for Jesus.

Through Year 11 at high school I took Ancient History for a subject. I looked at Emperor Nero and the burning of Rome. Consequently I got to know Tacitus’s work very well and I quite respect him as a historian. He speaks about Jesus.

Tacitus was a Roman senator. He was born within a few years after Jesus’s death and he was no fan of Christians or Jesus and was VERY loyal to the Roman empire, yet he speaks with such confidence of the death of Jesus you have to ask why would he lie? To me this along with the likely medical evidence of what he went through says Jesus died on the cross.

It was a pretty gruesome death. He essentially suffocated to death in agonizing pain and according to the Bible he was fully conscious of what was happening until the last moment when he finally grew too weak to be able to inhale again.

So the striking bit, the striking bit is that despite all that, Jesus WILLINGLY went through it all. How many people can you say that would do that? That would suffer an unbelievably painful death to save another?

That’s such a profound love that it’s almost incomprehensible. We see mirrors of that behaviour in tragedies we experience. I think about the one of the cars that drove down one of the streets in Melbourne and people pushed others out of the way of the car to save them only to be collected themselves. That’s love, incredible love!

That’s why I so really.....well love this passage from Romans 5, because I think it captures the whole idea and act of love so well.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

- Romans 5 : 6 - 11

The other thing I never expected was to be poked back when I started poking Christianity. I can’t explain it.....or well I can’t scientifically explain it but when I pray God hears me and my prayers are answered.

Mental health

Getting to know Jesus and through Jesus God has been one of the best things for me. So the word Gospel means good news and truthfully this has been good news, this has been the best news of my life.

Quite literally it has saved my life. And I don’t mean like saved from being thrown into hell. I mean saved from taking my own life by suicide saved.

Before as readers should know, I had a pretty hopeless outlook on life. I would describe it as a nihilistic hoplessness because it really was that bad.

So I went to my church’s Good Friday and Easter Sunday services. The minister preaching then on Easter Sunday said “death removes the meaning from life”. It profoundly changed the way I looked at everything!

It all struck me and made sense to me on that Good Friday but it was Easter Sunday that transformed my life and filled me with hope.

Suddenly everything mattered in the light of the idea of eternal life. For you see even our greatest buildings will be consumed in more or less 1000 years. At that point what can we do that will last? Nothing!

But if we live after death then the most valuable thing we have is our relationships and how we treat other people.And that means what I do now will have a lasting impact because I will remember what I’ve done and so will they.

That means every action now has meaning, from something as simple as helping an elderly person reach something at the supermarket to how I speak about my life to other people.

I have begun to change in response to this too. Fear no longer rules my life.

I find that lots of the Bible is true, for example when Jesus says:

29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

- Matthew 11 : 29 - 30

I find that this is very true. The burden is far less than I put upon myself and I bear the world on my shoulders as the Titan Atlas did/does.

I have been so profoundly changed for the good by my belief I got baptized last Sunday. I froze my arse off too :P

Despite that it was a wonderful day and I want to share with all of you the profoundly good news and great gift I have found in Christianity and my church.

While I know not everyone is interested, can I encourage anyone who is to take a chance, to really go all in. Look at me, I tried to take my own life in the past twice no less and yet I have been given the greatest gift - a life of hope and love by daring to take a chance. If I can go from nihilistic hopelessness to a life of hope and love then why not give it a shot?

What’s the worst that can happen eh? Worst is that nothing changes but I think you’ll find more than that because there’s something about Christianity that’s beautiful and healing.

To give you some insight. I’ve been struggling with self-harm thoughts for a long time, more than a decade. The other night while I was very ill and not coping I had to deal with them again. I said no and pushed back against them. It’s the first time I said no and didn’t self-harm myself despite the thoughts.

I have changed. I have grown, I have healed and I am healing and I am loved and I love and I have hope and NONE of this would have been possible without church and Christianity. It’s truly profoundly changed my life for the better!

Game Jam & Closing Stuff

So as you can see my life has been hectic hey? I haven’t given up on video games either :D

I started having a crack at GMC Jam a few weeks ago but well dad ate my time up. I did get something started though. I should finish it though.

And yes that is a giant infinite column of spawning slimes :P

And yes I noticed my tiles needed a bit of adjusting and offsetting to make them a touch bit better but that’s cool. I was impressed I got like 4 variations with minimal work to add variety.

The player also animates just in a still image that’s hard to show.

Just been so stupidly busy I just haven’t had the time for video games! But I wanted to share some of my life and give a bit of an update on things because well it might be a while before I can get another one of these little......well not so little update posts out.

[falloutdialogue]

Diamond City Security Dialogue

One Liners

Yeah. It's true. I got shot in the ass last year. Long story.

You been to Goodneighbor? Friggin' hole. Ghouls and chem heads all over.

A beer and my slippers after this shift. That's all I ask.

Hey, you that trader, up from Quincy? You sell any ointment? I got me this itch...

I hear you been asking questions around town. What, Diamond City's got two private dicks now?

Wanna do something fun? Run the bases. Trust me.

Ahem. Well hello beautiful.

Now what can I do for you, sweetheart?

Broke up with my girl. She kept the cap off the toothpaste. Know who does that? A synth.

Word of advice - never call your mother a synth unless she really is one. Yikes.

Crouching

Get off your knees. You look like a jackass.

What the HELL are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, no public squatting. Go find a bathroom. Jeez.

Intro Scene/Fighting Supermutants

Super Mutants!

Here's some Diamond City firepower you green uglies!

[Player helped fight] Damn. Not afraid of mutants, huh? You're our kind of guy/gal.

[Player helped fight, but didn’t get any kills] Mutants sure are hard to kill, huh? Thanks for the assist.

[Strong is a companion] Hey, uh, appreciate the help and all, but maybe keep your big, green friend out of the city, yeah?

[Strong is a companion] Hey, uh, welcome to our town and all, but maybe leave your big, green friend outside the gate, yeah?

[Player stood by] Not eager to get into a fight with mutants, huh? *sigh* I guess I can't blame ya.

[If there were many casualties] Dammit. Lost a lot of good guys today... When are the mutants gonna stop, huh?

Protecting Diamond City from Misc Enemies

This is our city, you fucking machine!

Suck it, you Protectron wannabe!

Die, you Institute asshole!

Time to beat down another crazy...

Batter up, asshole!

Code Red! CODE RED!

Welcome to Diamond City, motherfucker...

Game over, asshole.

That's what I call a strike out...

Posted Outside the Wall

Can't believe I'm posted outside the Wall. Who the heck did I piss off?

Feral Ghouls like to hide in the dark. Makes night patrol a real fright-fest.

Caught Picking Pockets/Stealing

Damn pickpockets!

I saw that!

Theft! Look alive, boys!

Hey. Klepto. Nice try.

Pretty sure that's not yours, pal/lady...

Great. A thief.

Whoa. Slow down there, sticky fingers.

Seriously, pal? Stealing?

Player is Taking Items of No Value

What? You picking up the trash?

You know that's junk right?

Got an amateur janitor over here...

Ain't everyday someone picks up the garbage for free...

Picking up garbage. You an old-time scavenger?

Hey, you wanna pick up trash, I ain't stoppin' ya...

Conversation with Sheng

Sheng, what have I told you about keeping the lake clean? Don't make me shut down this little stand of yours.

Sheng: Every drop of water comes out of that filter 100% pure. Why's a legitimate business man like myself always gotta be hassled by city regulation, huh? 

It's a health hazard, Sheng.

Sheng: It's a PROFIT hazard, is what I say. I manage the water. And I'll do it without your interference, thank you very much.

Eating Outside the Dugout Inn

Can't believe you eat that food. Only one thing worth buying in the Dugout Inn, and that's the booze.

Resident: Man's gotta eat, what can I say?

A real Diamond City boy eats at the noodle stand.

Factions/Main Quest

[If institute takes over commonwealth] These synths just showed up. They're not doing anything wrong... so... we're not sure what to do.

We're getting a lot of graffiti these days. Pictures of lanterns. Know anything about that?

Ask you somethin'. Crazy question. You didn't see a... flying ship recently. Did you?

You see that big blimp? What's the Brotherhood of Steel? Why are they here?

I was on duty when I seen that airship fall out of the sky. I wonder if anyone survived.

[Liberty Prime] Holy nuts! A giant fricken robot just walked by here like it was nuthin'. Now I seen everything.

You keep looking at me like that, I'm gonna start thinking you're a synth...

The Institute. Pfft. I ain't scared of them. No... really. I swear...

You read that article? In Public Occurrences? Damn synths could be anywhere.

Don't worry. You're safe from the synths here in Diamond City. I hope...

So it's true, then? You're leading the Minutemen? Good for you. Great cause.

I'm too friggin' slow to join the Minutemen.

How come whenever something interesting happens around here, you're right in the center of it?

[Excited, then slightly embarrassed] The legend him/herself! Way to give it to the Institute. You're like my hero or something...I dunno. Thanks.

There he/she is! The man/woman of the hour!

On behalf of all the guards here in Diamond City, I just wanted to say thanks. For saving us. All of us.

In the Newspaper

Hey, you were in the paper, right? 

You're 200 years old? Lookin' pretty good for your age, huh?

Vault Dweller? Huh... you seem pretty normal.

Vault Dweller with a thousand guinea pigs? What kind of twisted experiment was that?

Read that interview you gave. That thing you said at the end? 

About having hope? Good on ya.

About getting revenge? Right on.

About taking one day at a time? I can relate.

Player is a Known Criminal (but is now free to walk around)

Well, look. Diamond City's number one troublemaker. Oh, I got my eye on you. Oh, look here. It's the troublemaker.

Don't think we've forgotten about you. Play nice from now on, hear me?

[Player stole from someone] Hear you don't know what "private property" means. Just keep your hands to yourself.

[Player attacked someone] Ain't you the one who's been roughin' people up? Got my eye on you.

[Player killed someone] You're a freakin' psychopath, you know that?

Holidays

Today's Halloween, but do we get treats? Nooooo. It's all tricks, all day.

Can you believe today's Christmas? Ho ho friggin' ho.

Painting the Wall

Hey, you're the one made the Wall look like a lemonade stand.

Heard you're responsible for that new coat of green on the Wall. Looks nice.

The Wall's looking as green as the day she was built.

You. You're the one turned the Wall into some kind of... blue monster.

Ain't never gonna get used to the Wall looking like... that.

Reactions to Companions

What a mangy mutt.

Filthy animal.

Get out of here, you.

Well hey there, pup.

You keep an eye on that thing. I don't want to hear about anybody getting bit.

Hell of an animal you've got there.

That thing's not a stray, is it?

Nice dog.

Listen, um... Your pal there is kinda... scaring the crap outta me...

You and your mercenary friend keep your guns in your pants. Capiche?

Whoa, whoa. No Ghouls in Diamond City. Get that thing outta here.

Oh, man. You got a robot butler? I want a robot butler...

[Sarcastic] What kind of person pals around with a robot. Oh my God... you're not a synth. Are you?

Your friend looks like trouble. Make sure she's not.

I ain't telling you how to pick your friends, but Piper's kind of a troublemaker.

So what, you're in the Brotherhood of Steel now?

You know, your friend looks kind of familiar. Maybe...

Heard you rescued Valentine. Good work. Most synths scare the hell outta me, but Nicky, he ain't like those Institute psychos.

Hangin' out with Valentine, huh? Good for you. Nicky's good people. Ah, you know what I mean.

Dear God. Your friend. He's not a... you know. One of them super things. Is he?

Your buddy there's pretty intense. Brother needs to lighten up.

Chumming around with a merc, huh? I don't want no trouble on my beat.

Hey, you know the rules. No Ghouls in Diamond City. Get your friend outta here.

I know an ex-Raider when I see one. Make sure your "friend" plays nice inside the Wall, hear me?

[Sarcastic] Hey, ask your knight friend if they got shuffleboard up on that fancy ship.

What's with your shady pal, huh?

Got our eyes on you. Even if you are pallin' around with Nick Valentine.

Your Frankenstein friend there ain't gonna start eating people, is he?

[Sarcastic] Hey, tell your robot we're fresh outta crumpets.

You know, with McDonough out of the picture... We're gonna need a new mayor.

[Sarcastic] You make that robot yourself? You must be wicked smart.

You keep some weird company, pal/lady. Androids, reporters, dogs. Know any gorillas? Heh heh.

If I didn't know better, I could've sworn I saw you hanging out with a Ghoul. Here in Diamond City. But that's impossible. Right?

You're getting pretty chummy with that reporter, huh? Be careful, there. The mayor's got it in for her.

Reactions to Equipment/Armor/Weapons

Ho. Lee. Shit. Now that is some armor.

See you got one of those fancy Vault suits. Those one size fit all?

That a real Vault Suit? Damn.

Is that a Pip-Boy? Give my left arm for one of those.

Geez, pal/lady. I like guns, too. But you think you might be overcompensating there?

Nice piece you got there. Just keep it holstered.

Look, that armor's great, don't get me wrong. But how the hell do you, you know... Pee?

Hey, I ain't sayin' I want to shoot you, 'cause that would be rude. But would you even feel it?

A Swatter's man/gal, huh? Nice.

Nice hat.

Whoa! You look just like that Silver Shroud guy. From the radio.

Now you have the right idea. Power Armor. Only way to travel.

[mal-likes-biscuits]

So, what first attracted you to the Diablo universe, and what inspired you to write within it?

There’s a fun story behind this, and I’m glad someone asked me. It’s a story I will casually mention, but I didn’t want to go into the whole thing needlessly because it felt a bit self-serving. Also, this is LONG. But it’s a long story to tell.

Diablo Universe

I tried to play Diablo years ago when I was in a really stressed out, bad head-space, and I didn’t like it. I’d also just finished playing Torchlight, which is a much more vibrant, happy game design. I got partway through the Tristram Cathedral and just couldn’t do the gothic horror.

Then, a couple years ago, I was stuck at home on bed rest while pregnant. All I could do was lie on the couch and play video games. Which probably seems great, and it was, until weeks went by, and I ran. out. of. games. I mean, I played through ME: Andromeda to 100% completion, I put like 100+hours into Darkest Dungeon, you get the idea. This was conveniently about the time I actually had my kid, because (spoilers!) they are extremely time-consuming.

Anyway, we were too busy parenting to play video games, as we usually did, until a couple months after she was born. And at that point, she also spontaneously developed colic. Badly. If you haven’t had the experience of having a colicky child – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The doctor gives you a handout that essentially says “your child is fine, they will scream, we recommend seeking psychological support”.

At this point, I was already in a pretty bad mental head space from post-partum depression and the non-stop baby screaming. BUT. We discovered that if we swaddle wrapped our kid tightly, and held her, she would calm down. Less screaming: good. Having to constantly, physically hold your baby from 3 PM until 10 PM: boring. 

Enter Diablo. My husband suggested we try it again, because it wasn’t hard to play, and we could play it together while one of us held our kid. Did you know you can play Diablo 3 with one hand by key binding your mouse and only using some of the abilities? Yes you can! And thankfully, I was kind of immune to the gothic-horror-motif that had irrationally bugged me the first time I tried. 

(Nor did playing it make my depression worse. For anyone wanting the conclusion for that part of the story, I saw a good psychiatrist specializing in PPD. That helped a lot. If you know anyone who is depressed while pregnant/after pregnancy, or you are that yourself, seek help. It is the hardest thing to do, and will be the best thing you do. Depression is not rational. //soapbox)

Anyway, we played through all of Diablo 3 while holding a happily snoozing, colicky baby. And because we wanted to make the game last as long as possible, we were absolute LORE FIENDS. I had to find all the books, all the journals, etc. In this slightly superficial looking game, holy crap, there was backstory! You just had to go digging for it.

The lore that really grabbed me was a set of tomes from Act 5, called The Path of Wisdom. They were buggerishly hard to find because they were buried around Pandemonium fortress. 

And so ….

Writing Diablo

I’ve always been a writer. I write for my day job. I write and publish short-fiction (genre, usually SF) on the side. And I’ve written fanfic for years. Only, I hadn’t touched fanfic for awhile because I was working on original work. And then when I became pregnant, I completely lost my ability to write, because hormones are stupid, and mom-brain is worse.

Writing droughts aren’t unusual for me. But I hadn’t written anything for almost two years. There was a call out for a fantasy anthology that I really wanted to do something for, and I managed to turn that out (I’m still pleased with the story, and still trying to place it). I don’t usually write fantasy, nor do I usually read it. I’m a SF gal through and through. 

Except, this fantasy story I’d written really got me in the mood for writing MORE. It was a one-shot story, nothing I could build on. That was a problem.

At the same time, hubby and I were doing what we usually did after finishing a game, which was having “long talks at the pub” (which, after kid, were more “let’s have tea while she’s passed out and talk”) about all the nerdy, intellectual parts of the game. Diablo 3 doesn’t have the strong Act 1-4 story. But I LOVED Act 5. It had a great villain who was intense and engaging, Westmarch was honestly terrifying, and then. THEN. THERE WERE THOSE BOOKS.

Buried in this superficial hack and slash game were lore books that explained the Angel of Death wasn’t just the Angel of Death. That he had been the Angel of Wisdom, once. And there were all these reasons for what he had done, and they made a horrible, logical SENSE.

Whoa, my brain said. Wait a moment. That isn’t the sort of transformation that happens by accident. I found the Diablo wikia at that point and read all the rest of the lore I could get my hands on. I learned about the Worldstone, and Chald’ar, and the madness that took hold of Malthael.

And the first words out of my mouth to my husband after all of this were “WHY DID THEY WASTE SUCH A GREAT VILLAIN IN A SINGLE ACT 5.” Unless something changes in D4, Malthael is very dead. And that bothered me. Because the whole theme, at least I feel, of Diablo is that Light triumphs, and the path of Balance (or mortality) is the right way to go. You see this with Tyrael. 

And I honestly felt they should have done something similar at the end with Malthael. Because he does terrible things and makes terrible decisions, but where he starts isn’t as a bad person. He falls incredibly far because the angels in Diablo are not built to withstand that kind of change to their life or their function. To me, it seemed so much more legit and in line with the theme to bring him back, have him account for what he’s done, and then throw in with the winning team.

This all stewed around in my brain for several weeks, until an idea came to me. Usually writing ideas pop out of nowhere. It’s a bit annoying, because I have no ability to intentionally come up with stuff. I’m at the mercy of my subconscious.

My subconscious dreamed the chapter from “In All Things Light & Dark” where Malthael, now mortal, fights the shade of his former self in the forest. Complete with the “Sound of Silence” soundtrack. Dreaming something coherent, let alone writable, is really unusual for me. But it was a profoundly vivid image. 

And I thought … what the hell. Let’s do it. I write. I’ve written fanfic before. I haven’t written barely anything in a couple years, but let’s give it a try. If Blizzard isn’t going to give me this story and do right by the character, then I will.

110,000+ words later, I can say: writing Diablo fanfic was the best thing I could have done for my writing muse. It’s back in shape. It knocked all the mom-brain cobwebs out. And it’s been helllllishly fun to do. :)

Side-note addendum: my kid is totally fine after sleeping to the (quiet) sounds of demon slaying for several months. She is, however, also completely fearless, and thinks Malthael’s voice acting is absolutely hilarious. For what it’s worth – she laughs in the face of Death.

[cromulentbookreview]

Orange Whip!

Who wants an Orange Whip?

Orange Whip? 

Orange Whip? 

Three Orange Whips!

The world misses you, John Candy.

And by that, I mean: The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon!

A world divided. 

A queendom without an heir. 

An ancient enemy awakens.

An orange with an impossibly soft rind.

Ok, so I added that last one. Only, the oranges in the world of The Priory of the Orange Tree seem to have these easy-to-chew-through rinds. Like, characters just take a bite right out of them, no problem. I mean, I can imagine doing that with a clementine, but with an orange? Like, an actual, gigantic and delicious navel orange? Not sure if I could do it. I mean, orange rind is not only tough, it’s really not that tasty. It’s all bitter and weird. You’ve got to candy orange peel before you eat it. Or, you know, just peel your orange and use the rind for zest like a regular person. Don’t get flavedo stuck in your teeth.

None of that really had anything to do with Samantha Shannon’s book. Sorry. I just really like oranges. And citrus fruit in general.

So,  The Priory of the Orange Tree!

At well over 800 pages, the book is a figurative doorstop.  And, if you’re in a pinch, a literal one, too.

I kid, I have an actual doorstop. Don’t use a book for a doorstop.

Anyway, if you’re not big into long reads, and you’re perfect novel is roughly 250-300 pages long, uh...you might have a hard time here. But if you’re willing to give it a go, there’s something oh-so-satisfying about a self-contained, one-volume fantasy epic. There’s a beginning, a middle, and an end. There’s no Game of Thrones-esque situation where you’re endlessly waiting for the next book which may or may not be over 1000 pages. The whole story is there, in one big volume, no waiting for sequels. I didn’t realize just how sequel-fatigued I’ve been until I sat down and made my way through this book. No mentally steeling myself for a cliffhanger followed by a two-year-wait. I haven’t felt this way about an epic fantasy novel since Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. Who knew you can have an entire world confined to one volume! Hurray!

As a slow reader, it took me forever to make it through Priory (uh...like three weeks...) but holy crap was it worth it. It’s difficult to describe the plot, because, well, 800+ pages, four main POV characters spread throughout the world...the plot goes tons of different directions before coming together in the end. But the novel takes place in a world inspired by medieval Europe, Asia and Africa. Shannon’s East, like Japan until the 1850s when Commodore Perry waltzed in, guns blazing, is closed off to the nations of the West, mainly out of fear of the draconic plague, aka the “red sickness.” Foreigners are not welcome in the East and that’s the way it’s been for a good long while, to the point where there’s a huge gap in the understanding of Western dragons (similar to Western European portrayals of dragons, i.e. winged firebreathing murderous hellbeasts) and the dragons of the East (wingless, more serpent-like, think Haku from Spirited Away). 

In the East, dragons are revered and considered gods. In the West, well, winged murderous firebreathing hellbeasts. The worst of these firebreathing hellbeasts is a massive dragon known as the Nameless One, who wreaked havoc a thousand years ago, before being wounded and left dormant under the sea. The way in which the Nameless One was bound up in the Abyss is the basis for an entire religion in the Western nation of Inys, and the backbone of the monarchy - Queen Sabran IX of Inys is said to be the direct descendant of the knight who defeated and bound the Nameless One, and so long as Sabran produces a daughter, Inys will be protected from the Nameless One. So Sabran needs to get married and have a kid, like, immediately.

Sounds great, but what do you do when it starts looking like that might not be true? What if Sabran’s existence has nothing to do with the return of the Nameless One? How do you keep the Nameless One at bay then?

That’s the main plot of Priory of the Orange Tree put very, very briefly. The story is told from four different perspectives, so...let’s meet our POV characters!

Tané: a young orphan from Seiiki who has spent her life training in hopes of becoming a dragon rider in the High Sea Guard. It is her actions that spark the events of the rest of the book.

Niclays Roos: an alchemist in exile in the East. He was banished from the West by Queen Sabran IX after failing to produce an elixir of life. He now lives in the teeny tiny Western trading post of Orisima in Seiiki.

Eadaz du Zala uq-Nara aka Ead Duryan: A Southern mage and initiate of the Priory of the Orange Tree currently embedded in the court of Queen Sabran IX, posing as a lady-in-waiting. Her mission is to protect Sabran, but she must keep her true identity hidden, as magic is super-duper forbidden in Inys.

Arteloth “Loth” Beck: A close friend of Queen Sabran IX and a member of Inys’s (Inys’?) nobility. He and his best friend Kit are forcibly exiled from court after Loth’s closeness to Sabran is viewed as an impediment to her marriage prospects. 

The novel itself begins with Tané, hanging out on a beach in the East when, gasp! A foreigner shows up. By all rights, Tané should just kill him and be done with it, but, fearing that a dead foreigner might put a damper on her chances at being a dragon rider, what with all the questions and plague checks she’d have to go through, she decides to hide the foreigner instead. She recruits a friend to smuggle the foreigner over to Orisima, the only Western trading post in the East, to the home of one Niclays Roos, an embittered doctor/alchemist who once worked for Sabran. The foreigner, a kid from Inys called Triam Sulyard, has some crazy notions: East and West should unite because the Nameless One is coming back, whether or not Queen Sabran has a kid. Niclays, of course, is far more concerned with being caught with an unauthorized foreigner in his house.

Meanwhile, over in Inys, Ead Duryan witnesses first hand the pressure Queen Sabran is under from all sides to get married and pump out a daughter ASAP because she’s, gasp, 28 and still hasn’t had that kid yet. Ead is in a precarious position at Court as she’s a foreigner and a (supposed) convert to Inys’s religion, which worships the knight who bound the Nameless One. And she’s secretly a mage and Inys is super backward about that sort of thing. Ead just wants to stick to her mission - protect Sabran - and then hightail it back to the Priory of the Orange Tree. Only some chance encounters with Sabran herself lead to Ead being promoted into the Queen’s household, and next thing she knows, she and Sabran are forming a connection that’s causing Ead to question her loyalty to the Priory.

Meanwhile, Sabran’s childhood friend, Loth, has been banished because men and women can’t be friends without people starting to imply things. Loth and Sabran’s relationship is 100% platonic, but no one cares, least of all the Queen’s spymaster, who rounds Loth up in the middle of the night and ships him off to the nation of Yscalin, which has, very recently, turned to the dark side and began worshiping the Nameless One. It’s one of those “diplomatic missions” that is almost guaranteed to end in death.

And while all this is happening, both Tané and Niclays experience the blow back of letting a foreigner into the closed East.

Also, I should mention: yeah, the Nameless One is totally starting to wake up again. In fact, his buddies are starting to go around and wreak havoc. Better have that kid quick, Sabran!

So that is the basic plot of The Priory of the Orange Tree, in a nutshell. I really, really, really do not do it justice, but to do the plot some actual justice takes an 800 page novel. Priory is nothing less than epic. In one book, Shannon manages to create an entire world, complete with over a thousand years of history, various conflicting religions, generations upon generations of royalty, dozens of nations, and a sea full of pirates. Pirates! There is pirate action in this book! Are you not convinced? I mean, there’s dragons - and not just one sort of dragon, either. Also, did I mention the whole book has a very, very strong feminist bent to it? How much more convincing do you need? If you like dragons, if you like epics, if you can make it through 800 pages, then you need to read Priory of the Orange Tree.

Funny thing is, I was over 700 pages into the book when I realized that I’d mixed up East and West. See, right-left confusion is something that legit happens to people and definitely doesn’t mean that they’re dumb or anything - it happens more often in the left-handed and women, both of which I happen to be. I’m really good at reading maps, but when it comes to actually being in place and telling one direction from the other...uh...it doesn’t often end well. I’ve had people tell me to turn left and, without thinking, I turned right, thinking that I was definitely turning left. Yeah, it’s a thing. So, throughout Priory, which is divided into chapters characterized by East, West and South, South I was able to get pretty easily. South is easy. But I was roughly 80% into this book when I realized that I’d inverted the whole map of the book’s world - I’d pegged Inys in the East, and Seikii in the West. The whole time I was envisioning people heading East, I actually had them heading West. Derp. Derp. Derp. 

It also doesn’t help that advanced copies don’t come with finished artwork, so I’ll have to wait til the book is actually out to see if there’s an actual map of the world of Priory. Having a map makes things much easier. I can refer back to a map to confirm which direction is which. 

Fun fact: most of the time I can really only tell East from West based on whether or not I can see Mt. Hood. For me, it’s always been Mt. Hood = East, the Coast = West. One of the perks to living on the West Coast. I’ve had a hell of a time establishing East from West (and North from South) when I’ve traveled to places that don’t have a Mt. Hood to keep myself anchored, direction-wise. Sometimes I just had to pick a place and determine the directions. 

How is it that Samantha Shannon is a year younger than me and has already written a series and an 800+ page fantasy epic? Meanwhile, I’m a year older than her, have finished no story I’ve actually started and have generally failed at everything I’ve ever attempted. Well, I did make some pretty good overnight oats. But it’s really hard to fail at making anything that contains both Nutella and peanut butter. 

Bah, I says. Bah. 

I need an Orange Whip.

Mmm...I should go get myself an orange.

Anyhoo! Priory of the Orange Tree. It’s good. You should read it.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Fans of one-volume feminist epic fantasies featuring more than one type of dragon. Also, there’s pirates!

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone with no time or attention span. Or who dislike feminist fantasy for some reason.

RATING: 4.5/5 (half a point off for being 800 pages, also for some George R.R. Martin-esque descriptions of food which were not the best thing to read while recovering from a severe bout of food poisoning).

RELEASE DATE: February 26, 2019

DRAGON RATING:

[kizardofkoz]

Muscle

It was a little over a year ago and we were visiting with our best friends over Labor Day weekend. I was still in my first year of new baby, knee deep in first-year-baby-love and my all too familiar struggle of *bouncing back* (which has Never been my actual experience. It’s more like a slow rolling on the ground mixed with some crying, disgust, guilt, disgust at my guilt and guilty about my disgust, very slow muscle gain and trying to figure out how many WW points are in the scones I just made - because friends, I make a mean scone) and I was just feeling so irritated with where I was compared to where I wanted to be. Our friends looked so lean, healthy, toned -and I? 

I was jealous. 

I felt soft and annoyed. While I was grateful that I carried a baby for the fourth time, I was So. Over. Losing. *The Baby Weight*.

They said the only real change they had made in their lifestyle was that they had been running. (They also only have half as many children and are in a different life stage with their ages, but we’re focusing on the health portion here.)

And so.

I began running. 

100% it was born out of a competitive desire to look and feel better and become a runner. But I actually found a part of me that I lost during quarantine, and the several year pattern of having and raising baby boys. 

I would leave my house for 30-60 minutes, put on a podcast that scared me (it was early fall when this love affair really began to take hold and I would listen to Spooked! - holy crap, it is absolutely terrifying. So I would throw in some true crime, just to shake up my amygdala) and as the weather started to cool and leaves started to turn, I found my alone time, running the streets of my neighborhood. 

And it was good. 

Necessary. 

Healing.

_______________________________________________________________________

I have had an interesting relationship with running and fitness my entire life. Exercise, up until this past year probably, was usually a punishment. A method to burn off the calories that I so painfully counted and tried to delete one way or another. (For several years -junior year of high school through sophomore year of college- that would involve sticking a finger down my throat, which is not a unique story for a teenage, American girl, yet it still feels quite vulnerable as I have never publicly mentioned it, like on this blog that has hundreds of thousands of followers. ;) I grew up sitting on a piano bench. I was never a super athletic kid (and was often told that) and things like running, and sports and physical coordination seemed like another realm that I would never know. So I would admire all of the athletic kids that looked so sinewy and strong and natural, and I would feel embarrassed and frustrated that God gave me the body that I had. I was grateful for my artsy, musical abilities, but in this culture, as a young woman especially, there is no greater skill or attribute, then to be small, smooth, and beautiful. 

I am still trying to figure out how to undo parts of this thinking. 

Stretched skin, years of confidence building, therapy and relearning that food is actually really delicious (who knew!) has helped tremendously. I wish I could hug younger me. 

But she had to learn this on her own. 

In her own way. 

In her own time.

So at this time, as a matured 37 year old, I went into running differently. I would leave my house and find new paths that had more gradual hills because you don’t realize how hilly your neighborhood is until you try to run. Or ride a bike. Or in my case, walk a bike up a hill.

But I would also allow myself to slow down. To walk. For the first time in my life I listened to my body, and if she was tired, I walked. If she couldn’t breathe, I slowed down to catch my breath. And it changed everything. I built strength and avoided injury. I looked forward to my next run because I wasn’t too sore, and because once I had quit using running as a method of torture it actually started to become quite rewarding.  My soul needed the exercise as much as my muscles.

Minus all of the true crime and ghost stories, it was kind of like prayer at times. Or some really bizarre, spooky therapy.

_______________________________________________________________________

Three weeks ago I had the absolute honor and life blessing of being able to attend a women’s retreat in Estes Park, CO. I flew there early on a Thursday morning to meet up with 20 women who I had never met to reconnect with a God that I was missing dearly and to find myself again.

Oh my gosh. 

I can’t even explain the exact magic of that weekend and I actually won’t give away too  many details because part of the retreats’ (there are two: a mens ones and they just began a women’s one last year) magic is the slight, secret-society-ish-ness of it, so a previous group won’t ruin the experience for those that follow. 

But I felt so taken care of and loved. I have not had the time and space to release and let go the way I was able to. In years. Every meal was prepared and cleaned by a woman named Jess. Every activity was thoughtfully planned yet not overbooked. I didn’t have to make a decision, make  breakfast or make a to-do list. My nervous system settled and my brain was clearer than I feel it has been in my adult life.

And my heart. 

I didn’t realize how lethargic I had become in my own faith. Of course I love God and Jesus and my faith is the most important thing to me, but was I actively doing anything to strengthen and encourage it? Negative. 

And this is where muscle comes in. 

I have been running and conditioning my body over the past year to run miles, to handle hills, build my stamina and improve my pace. I have put in the work and time and my body is stronger. Muscle memory.

In Estes, I feel like I just went through a spiritual bootcamp. I received a megadose injection of peace, love, refinement, depth, stillness and Jesus. I can either keep going and try to maintain and strengthen this muscle, or I can become apathetic, put it off for tomorrow, make excuses that were never meant to be excuses and just not prioritize this thing that I claim is the most important thing to me.

Guys. (And gals!)

I did it.

I’m doing it.

I am actually carving out time each day (mostly) and I am keeping a prayer journal and reading from a devotional (I go between Shauna Neiquest’s “Savor”  - thank you Meredith Hopping and Sarah Young’s “Jesus Calling”, thank you Mom), and I am Reading My Bible. (I’m a Message girl, which should not be surprising at all. The Poetry and FEELINGS!) And I am actually WANTING to read the bible. Like, I am finding it interesting and I actually kind of look forward to reading it the next day because I want to know what happens and not “I am reading this because I am Supposed to and because I have promised God since I was a child that I would read the whole thing and there’s no time like at age 37 to make good on a promise to Jehovah that I made as a 6 year old. That makes sense.”

I say all of these words NOT TO BRAG AT ALL BECAUSE NO NOPE NOPE NO NO, but to hopefully encourage others out there. (PS, I’m reading 1 Kings - if you’re Trump, that would be “One Kings”, I’m also praying for compassion and less judgment from myself. And that was the most compassionate way I could say that.:) I realized that just like with exercise, I often felt that if I didn’t have enough time to really sit down and read chapters of the bible, or have 10-15 minutes for a deep, thoughtful prayer, then it wasn’t worth giving God any time at all. I was being a perfectionist with my faith life and refused to not partake if it couldn’t be what I thought it would be. Or should be. 

And I don’t really think God, in the end, gives a shit. 

I think God wants any and all. God will take a 10 second, or 3 minutes or half hour long prayer. As long as it is authentic and humble and vulnerable because I think that is what God works with best and how we can refine and mature the most. I also think intentional longer prayers that include time to pause and listen (especially with the terrifying, faith building fear of But what if God doesn’t answer).  God and I have always chatted throughout the day, but overall, I realized that I was getting in my own way with some twisted perfectionism, when all God wants is my truest, most imperfect self.

Along with this, I have also been much more gentle with myself. I skipped a day the other day. (And yesterday!) And this is okay. I wasn’t able to get it in and instead of shaming myself and feeling guilty, negative and embarrassed, I gave myself love. I let myself  walk instead of run because there are busy days and hills and we aren’t made to run and dominate every single one of them every single time. 

 It is also important to note that I spent much of this weekend eating chips and birthday cake as it was our eldest’s first sleepover party. I stepped on the scale this morning and it was 2-3 pounds higher than it normally is. And you know what? I am actually okay. I am probably the most okay I have ever been in this situation and I am absolutely floored and comforted that I know God sees me and knows what I need. I know that in time I will get back to where I was, not with punishment but with mindfulness. And to stop eating the cake (it was so good though). And maybe ease off of the chips. 

And to joyfully run.

God’s grace is so wild, and beautiful, and abundant. 

I think I grew up with a bit of a childish, lopsided idea of God. I don’t know if it was my education, my church, my family or my own absorption and interpretation, but for a very, very long time I knew God was loving, but I also knew God was wrathful, jealous, vengeful and judgmental. After years of growth and exposing myself to other theologies, biblical philosophies, and finding my own spiritual and path, I have rediscovered Jesus and God in a whole new way. I have been reminded of, or relearned, God’s tenderness. 

God’s Gentleness. 

God’s Compassion. 

And I truly think if we could remember these qualities first, and also use these qualities first as Christians - to one another, to ourselves, and to *gasp* non-Christians - the world would literally be a different place.

So. 

I am going to continue building these muscles. I have worked really, really hard to get to where I am physically and I am really, really proud of it. I can run and keep up with my children, I have no idea what I could bench or deadlift but I can pick up our enormous <99% 1 year old multiple times each day and I feel like that in and of itself could be a really popular WOD. “The Kepler”: pick up 35 pounds 50 times and run across the house between each set of five. Then halfway through you change the laundry over as fast as you can and at the very end you realize you forgot to push start on the dryer. 

Repeat as necessary.

And I am going to continue building my spiritual muscle. This looks like prayer time, bible reading, (I even installed a wall light so I can read in this special spot because we know that special spots are really important to Jesus.) and prioritizing this priority to me. 

And this also looks like tenderness. 

Gentleness. 

Compassion. 

Because even God knows we need a sabbath and sometimes the body just needs to rest. 

The soul, too. 

And I am learning to be gentle with myself. To love me and give grace to me even when I skip a day. 

At least spiritually. 

Because physically, I am still doing “The Kepler” daily. 

Even more exhausting because my warm-up is “The Wyndsor”.

The charcuterie board that puts all other charcuterie boards to shame. Jess, a pilates instructor with a gift of hospitality, healthy cooking and presentation made us the most beautiful meals. And coffee. And wine. And pop corn. And fudge. I miss Jess.

I know what you’re thinking - *Now I see why they have 4 boys!* BECAUSE I LOOK SO DAMN GOOD IN OVERALLS!!

Just 20 something of my new dearest friends. I can’t wait to see them again next fall. So I can start crying every six sentences and zen out in all of God’s natural beauty coming through the landscape, the carved out time and the stories each of these women are carrying. Ready to drink around a fire with all of you again. I will try to stay up later this time. Maybe. (Who have I become??!) #Revel2021

[6stronghands]

please read. it’s long. but i need to say this:

Broken in the past year:

Dishwasher, refrigerator, microwave, furnace, water heater, toilet, gas fireplace, TV, 2 laptops, 2 cellphones, my eyeglasses, the locking system, door handle, driver window (stuck DOWN not up, of course) and catalytic converter on my 15 year old minivan and the other car, a 22 year old beloved 4 Runner had to be junked because it was so decrepit and unfixable (it’s a credit to those amazing early generation Runners though, because it made 260,000 miles and basically ran on Marvel Mystery Oil, Seafoam, and pep talks at the end), then I found out that my home has serious foundation issues, and now, NOW, the dryer. 

My new (used) Mustang got hit ONE WEEK after I bought it, by a drunk guy in a big ol F150, as I was my way home to kansas after caring for three (3!!!) family members in the hospital in Utah for four months. The whole time I was in Utah, I was like, holy god these guys are shockingly bad drivers (and I’ve driven extensively around a ton of states). There’s this move I call The Utah Special, a lane changing move where they don’t signal, they don’t check their blind spots, they don’t move vertically….they just horizontally zoom into a space they want in the next lane. I saw so many near misses and actual accidents during my time there. And lo and behold, LITERALLY AS I’M ON MY WAY OUT OF THAT HELL STATE, at the motherfreakin base of the canyon, four hours from Colorado and freedom from the religious insanity and repression that manifests as the angriest, most aggressive, flat out incompetent drivers I’ve ever seen, a jackalope did the Utah Special on me and my new car.  

It screwed up the alignment and tire pressure monitor and left a big dent on the drivers door. Luckily i didn’t run into the giant concrete wall that he spun me into, because I’m an experienced driver, esp in correcting a bad, fast turn, but it was close. The guy is now trying to avoid payment so I’ve been driving around with a beatup looking car. 

One month after i got back to Lawrence, a guy backed into me at the store, and I ended up using the 100 bucks he gave me for groceries, and trying to buff out the back myself, which didn’t work. This is my childhood dream car btw, the only nice thing I’ve ever owned (and it looks a lot nicer than it is, it’s very bare bones inside and out, it just looks slick. It took almost two years and three states of looking to find a good Mustang for such a low price). 

And now. 

Now I’ve got a gutted dryer, parts spread out to hell and gone, because Samsung dryers have the worst design and the cheapest parts (seriously, don’t ever buy Samsung appliances. Three different parts stores and repair people told me they refuse to work on Samsungs or carry parts for them any more because the design is so bad and the parts are so cheap). I thought I fixed it by replacing the circuit board, but now I think it’s the thermal fuse switch which is located UNDER and BEHIND the drum, not in the more accessible places other brands put it. But that’s not irritating enough, no no, now it turns out I have to learn how to solder because they didn’t use screws or plugs for the fuse mount, no no, they soldered it on, so I had to drill the fucker out and and buy a solder iron and now I’m watching how-to-solder videos on youtube. 

And (of course there’s an AND) the charging port on my 3rd used cell phone broke, and I don’t have time to order a replacement port and do it myself, so I took it into one of those overpriced walk in places (for $130 dollars!!! for fifteen minutes work). Picked it up five minutes before they closed last night, and now the screen is unresponsive. According to the good people of the internet, since I can’t get it to reboot, it’s probably a badly seated digitizer that got bumped when they did the replacement. I have to take a break from my how-to-solder videos and go in and convince a bunch of 20 year old guys to fix my phone and not charge me for it. 

So. This is a lot. 

And because we are in the aptly named bad timeline, my personal life has pretty much echoed all the broken down stuff. I have had some weird, hard to diagnose, health crap that cost me one job and has prevented me from finding another. So I just do a bunch of volunteer stuff now, and keep applying to worse and worse jobs, hoping someone, somewhere will take me. My new dog (who I adopted because I’ve been so overwhelmed and stressed, I was freaking out one day and my sister was like, I KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, YOU NEED A DOG, and she was one hundred percent right, everything is better with a good dog) got attacked at the park, by a Husky owned by a RedditGuy, who then RAN when I was trying to revive my dog, and drove away in a Mercedes with a license obscurer. The only reason I know who he is, is because a quick thinking teenager ran after him and tried to get his name (which the guy wouldn’t give) and the teen took pics of him with his cellphone (don’t shit on Millenials around me, just don’t. All I see are good kids doing good stuff under bad circumstances). (Also, just fwiw, there are all kinds of Huskies being surrendered at shelters and involved in attacks because, and this is so dumb it just kills me, people are watching Game of Thrones and deciding they want their very own Direwolf, without having the experience or willingness to take on a breed that needs a lot of training and reinforcement and care. Huskies are great dogs if they have great owners, like a lot of other great but high-care breeds). 

The medical bills were over $4000, which I had to take a loan out for. There was a court hearing, and the judge ruled in my favor, and ordered the guy to pay, by March 1st. You won’t be surprised at all, because FML, that the guy hasn’t paid, and is contesting it, which means more court stuff. This has all been stressful as hell, but this dog is genuinely the most amazing dog I’ve ever had; he is worth any trouble and expense. I would sell my Mustang, if I had to, to keep this tiny, adorable fuzzball (some kind of poodle-terrier mix, I think, I dunno. He was a rescue dog who was fostered with an inmate in a local prison, Safe Harbor Prison Dogs, check it out, they’re great) I’ve never had a companion dog before. I’ve had family dogs who have all been great, but I’ve never had one where they are bred to be a companion, that’s their work, like a work-dog needs work to be happy and sane. He is carrying my kid and me in his soft little paws; he does good work, this guy. He is always happy, very energetic when you want, calm and cuddly when you want, incredibly sensitive and attuned, unnervingly intelligent and a joy to train, and as soft as a bunny. I have to brush him every single day because of his crazy Fizzgig hair, but that’s fine. He rides on my shoulder in the car and fits inside a tote bag so I can sneak him lots of places. I’ve socialized him from the beginning (which is why I was at that damn park) so he’s totally silent in public places like stores. He loves people, especially kids, and if I ever get off the job-hunting, broken-thing-fixing treadmill, I’d like to volunteer him as a therapy dog in hospitals or wherever. He’s like my very own Daemon, my own Pantalaimon. A gift and a blessing at any time, but especially now, when things are Challenging. 

Then. Then the worst thing. Something really bad happened to my one of my kids. Something so bad that I can’t talk about it in a public place like this. I can barely talk about it in my Al-Anon support group. I spend a lot of energy not thinking about it. I have learned a lot of things in the past few years, like A LOT. I know so much more now, about so many, many things. But this bad thing is something I wish I never knew, and it’s not fixable, only recoverable. 

I have never, ever been so continually sad and angry. It’s been bad timing for my mental health, the Me Too movement. I had a friend visit and he was talking about it, and was telling me that it’s turned into a witch hunt, that things aren’t really this bad for women, that maybe women and men just speak different languages and have different needs and wants, that if things have been this bad, why didn’t women say something sooner, and I just….I couldn’t talk. He wanted me to give him specific examples of male violations in my life, and I literally didn’t know where to start. I can list so many, like every woman alive. I could list hundreds of small things, things where you just accept it because what else can you do, and other things, things that were not small, but you ignore, because you actually know the guy and you know he’s genuinely a mostly good guy, or trying to be, or will be some day, or has a family who loves and depends on him, or maybe I didn’t have the vocabulary or confidence or experience to safely call him out then, or maybe I didn’t know if calling him out would ruin his life, and for real, I could see that he would some day evolve into A Good Man, An Ally, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. Because that’s real, that dynamic. It doesn’t fit into any black and white social media woke doctrine, but it’s real. I have hurt people through ignorance, and I have learned and evolved, and there have been a few specific times where I can look back in gratitude that someone educated me in a gracious, patient way, because it changed me for the better. Do men know this? That people like me aren’t calling them on stuff? That the problem is much, much worse than the revelations of the Me Too movement? That we let pretty much all the small and medium stuff go? Do they know? Are they so uneducated, so culturally indoctrinated, so blind, to other men’s bad behavior, to their own, that they really think that this is all an over-reaction or mixed signals or just women looking to be angry about something??? 

 I know it’s a lot more complicated than that, because goddamn life usually is. There have been hundreds of not-terrible and semi-bad violations in my 40 years, that I’ve just lived with, and then there’s been a handful of genuinely, life-altering-ly bad ones. The ones that teach you to to beware, that there are predators who prey, and you are just meat. But I couldn’t articulate any of this to this friend, this guy who feels so defensive and attacked by the movement. No one has accused him of anything, he’s just feeling defensive. He thinks people are unfair to men, that men are trying their best, that women need to explain more nicely. 

I have been so angry, about so much, for months now. I usually blow up fast and I’m done. I’m usually the poster girl for Onward And Upward, Life Is Beautiful, Everything’s Awesome. This constant anger is exhausting. And I wish I was only angry, but I’m also broken-hearted. Broken. Everything’s broken, everything keeps breaking. Bad people, careless people, indifferent people, they keep ruining things and getting away with things. The news isn’t good, not politically, not economically, not environmentally, not anything. All signs point to things getting much, much worse. 

I will say this, I am smarter than I was a year ago. 

I seem to only learn by doing, to learn the hard way. I know a lot more now. Like A LOT, in a pretty short span of time. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am not as sweet, and not as optimistic, but I am seasoned. I’m better at problem solving. I know there's always going to be another damn thing, whatever it is. I know the importance of good tools and resources and support, whether it’s fixing broken cars or broken hearts. That came out trite, but it’s true. I’ve learned that sometimes the only good thing to come out of a bad thing is knowledge, if you use it to recover or evolve, or to help someone else. Sometimes the only silver lining is that you’ve got newfound empathy. We need more empathy in the world, so that’s not nothing. I am so, so worried about the future, about what my kids are going to have to learn in order to navigate their own personal and cultural despair. They’re gonna have to get tougher, faster, while protecting their gentle hearts and giving natures. That’s tricky. I hope they’ll remember that we’re in this together, that the only way to survive is by leaning on and helping each other. Another thing that sounds trite, but is the truest thing I know. I’ve learned to talk about things, to ask questions, to ask again if I don’t understand (and again, and again), and to say to people, I need you, I’m stuck, I’m headfucked, I’m heartfucked, help. Help me. Using your resources, whether they’re youtube how-to videos, therapy, doctors, friends, Al-Anon groups, dogs, whatever, is the only way I know how to get over and through. 

It’s kind of strange to FEEL how much stronger I am right now, than a year ago. Because things are much worse; something that would have broken me for good, if Then-Me had known. But Now-Me has soldiered through some shit by leaning hard on my resources, and because of those resources, not through inner grit or stoicism, but the resources, I’m tougher, smarter, better equipped. I am not exactly happier, but I do have happy moments. That’s a big deal. I am afraid for the future, but I know that, at least as long as I’m able to fight, I CAN fight. 

I have leaned on some of you here. Some of you are my safe places, are resources, tools, friends. Genuine, real ones. I am stronger because of you. I can write and write, but never truly articulate what that has meant, what it means to me. You know how vets are with other vets? The way they’ll meet up after they leave the military, and fall into each other’s arms, the way they trust each other for the rest of their lives? I feel that way about you guys. I’ve been in the motherfucking foxhole, and some of you guys climbed in and covered my head and held my shaking hands. I just have no words. The ‘no atheists in a foxhole’ thing isn’t true. I still don’t believe in God, but I believe in friends, in good people, in the righteous fighters who get no acclaim, no awards, but quietly, bravely, change the world around them a little at a time, to great cumulative effect. I can say I love you, I’m so grateful, you’re wonderful, but really, I have no words other than, thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.