#versus being 'heavier' lol

[miss-floral-thief]

lol maybe i need more hair gel

[ghostingkai]

Not me crying over the Q&A section of the guidebook— the stuff below is absolutely not everything, just the parts I enjoyed the most.

-Oh my god, there is an alignment chart for a bunch of the characters showing “Popular VS Unpopular, Receives lots of valentines VS Doesn’t receive many valentines”. Iori and MIkuni are the two most popular characters (with Lily in close third) but Mikuni is slightly more popular than Iori. Iori, however, receives more valentine gifts than Mikuni (but they are both extremely popular. That’s that trust fund money at work, baby.) Touma is very popular, but doesn’t seem to get many valentines lol

Other alignment charts:

-Housework skills and frequency of chores performed (Mahiru wins at this chart obviously lol. Yumi is second place after Mahiru.) Iori is apparently awful at house work and doesn’t do it often, I’m assuming he has a cleaning person. Touma is amazing at house work, but doesn’t do it much. Tsurugi does tons of house work… but is apparently terrible at it lmao.

-Muscle capability/strength and weight. Hugh and Misono are the lightest and “softest” fighters lol, while Tsurugi is very light but incredibly muscular/strong. Ildio is the heaviest/strongest fighter. Iori is fairly “light” and not very strong, and Touma is stronger/heavier than him by a fair bit. I’ve always wondered about that, so I’m happy to have this chart.

-A chart showing “high energy when drunk” versus “falls asleep” and also alcohol tolerance level lmao. So Nico is the one who gets the most smashed when drunk, but his alcohol tolerance is very high. Touma comes in second place, with Gear and Otogiri in third/fourth. Yumi has the lowest tolerance, but gets incredibly energetic when drunk. Mikuni has high tolerance, but gets really sleepy when he’s drunk. Iori has poor alcohol tolerance levels, but he gets sleepy when he’s drunk instead of wired. And I love that for him… I love that for myself 😭

That’s all for alignment charts!

-Tanaka confirms Iori receives the most valentines gifts, but pretty much all of them are obligatory. That makes me sad ;u;

-Iori plays the violin. Which is not shocking in any way, but it’s nice to have confirmation c:

-Mikuni and Tsurugi apparently have the most horrendous handwriting skills out of everyone by a long shot lol

-Mahiru dreamed of becoming a teacher when he first entered high school ;u;

-Mahiru was 7 years old when his mom died.

-Iori was the one Tooru was talking to on the phone when he and Mahiru met Tsubaki at the sushi restaurant. He was also the one on the phone with Tooru when he was bragging about Mahiru during that one flashback. Which isn’t really relevant to anything except I love how Tooru openly discussed Mahiru with Iori and Iori was just like, ah yes… Touma’s son… I mean, Tooru’s adorable nephew.

-Tanaka confirms Misono continues to grow taller as he becomes an adult lmao

-Misono was 9 when he made his contract with Lily.

-Tanaka talks about how Mikado loves Mikuni, but it doesn’t always seem that way because he was also afraid of how smart Mikuni is

-Mikado knew Mikuni had gone to C3 after running away, and specifically asked them to protect him. Mikuni was in C3 for about three years.

-Tsurugi was affected by “My Fair Lady” because even though he had only killed vampires up to that point, he carried the guilt of having killed someone. Mikuni looked shocked when Tsurugi began to choke because he didn’t think Tsurugi had actually killed anyone until then.

-Mikuni left C3 just before he turned 20, and opened his shop a year later.

-Mikuni and Tsurugi specifically don’t like being addressed by their family names, because… well, you can imagine lol. So they prefer to be called by their first names.

-Mikuni opened a shop because he wanted a place to store all of the magic items he had collected over his travels. He also wanted to put up a false smile in front of C3 to put them at ease about what he was getting up to.

-Mikuni was seven when he proposed to Hokaze 😭

-Mikuni loved Misono a lot and would stop to play with him whenever he wanted 😭 😭 STOP

-Oh my god, Mikuni would force Jeje to perform difficult jobs in order for them to get enough money to travel abroad, where they would then sell magic items to other magicians around the world. He’s such a prick, I love him so much.

-Apparently, Johan showed up one day in Mikuni’s shop and just started doing whatever he wanted and that’s how they met. Lmaooo.

-Jeje receives blood from Mikuni sometimes, but only after Mikuni himself has put it into a container.

-Tetsu’s other sister is a shogi player and her name is Kaoru (Oh, sure, SHE gets a name 😤 )

-Apparently Licht introduced Lawless to his parents as “the demon I purified” and his parents are just happy he’s found a friend ;u;

-Freya feels she gets along best with Lawless. Lawless apparently disagrees.

-Tanaka gives a scale of “mental degradation due to magic abuse” stages.

Stage 1: You can hear people but can’t make out what they’re saying.

Stage 2: You start to hallucinate faceless people.

Stage 3: More hallucinations and memory confusion.

Stage 4: Retirement

She also notes that during stages 1-3, a magician can recover over time if they don’t use their magic. I’m assuming stage 4 this isn’t possible, and I’m pretty sure that’s what stage Iori is at now, since he even mentions retiring in the final chapter. But that’s not explicitly stated.

-Tsurugi’s mom hid the fact she had a child. She left Tsurugi behind after she found another man and ran off with him.

-MIKUNI, APPARENTLY, DOES NOT PROTEST THE SIGHT OF TSURUGI. He is fine with how Tsurugi looks. It’s only when Tsurugi is speaking that Mikuni wants to fling himself into the dark void.

-Someone asked how Akira and Touma got close, but Tanaka only says to leave it up to everyone’s imagination

-Confirmation that Touma had feelings for Akira, and wasn’t the kind of person who would date someone for the sole purpose of hurting someone else (like Tooru.)

-Touma’s scarf is a magic item that makes his invisibility magic stronger apparently

-Touma was angry that Iori saved his life and he owed a debt to someone he deemed the worst type of person. But while he was crashing at Iori’s apartment, he was free to use anything he wanted apparently. Don’t know if that’s info I needed, but I’m happy to have it now.

-When Gear and Touma were staring at each other in that one popularity poll page, Touma was apparently thinking “So this is the werewolf Tsurugi is related to…” While Gear is thinking, “So this is Tsurugi’s brother… that makes him my grandson, too.” PLEASE. GEAR, TRY CALLING TOUMA YOUR GRANDSON. I would die to see that played out lmao.

-Confirmation that when Touma said, “I’ll drag him down!” In that one flashback, he WAS talking about Iori. I knew he was, but it’s nice to have the cold hard proof lol.

-Touma took on Tsurugi’s debts, and Tsurugi pays him back.

-Touma became the vice president at 33. At 33?!?! Holy frick I didn’t realize his promotion from the combat team happened so recently compared to the series timeline. That’s wild. Iori took fifteen years to convince his mother Touma was right for the position (/jk on that last sentence)

-Yumi quit the archery team in high school because he felt he was following the path forced on him by his parents and older brother.

-Miyako and Kei met during a flight. Miyako was really worn down, and Kei’s kindness touched her heart and she quickly fell in love, so from that moment on, she pursued Kei with a lot of passion. I can’t believe we actually got an answer to that question 😭

-Miyako knew about Iori’s real plan the entire time. Which was pretty obvious, but confirmation is still nice.

-All of the Tsukimitsu kids cross dress when they’re drunk 😭 😭 But Iori is careful not to get blackout drunk in front of other people. Bless you for this little nugget of sustainment.

-A C3 agent who moved overseas couldn’t take their hamsters with them, which was how Iori ended up with them, and he just decided to keep them.

-Iori suspected Mikuni could be working alongside Tsubaki when he met him in the control room, but he didn’t know for sure yet.

-Shirayuki met her husband through an arranged marriage and he joined her family. He left C3 early on so he could better support Shirayuki’s schedule. So that pretty much confirms he was a househusband, yes? I think so 😌 (BUT HE WASN’T GIVEN A NAME, AAAAAAAAA—)

-Mikuni didn’t go to college. Shuhei did, and Touma went to college with Iori and Tooru. I love knowing that. I am so happy to know that ;u;

-Iori met Tooru in their third year of elementary school and they became friends after Tooru spoke to him. Tooru would try to talk to Touma in middle school, but Touma ignored him. Iori used to avoid Touma because he knew about Touma’s home life, but after seeing how much Tooru wanted to be friends with him and how hostile Touma was to them, he started becoming interested in him. (Bless Iori for being brave enough to admit his crush started when Touma was the first person to tell him to fuck off.)

-The three of them became friends because Touma was already on the combat team at 15, and when they joined C3 at 17, they wanted to get on the combat team as well. So they all ended up connecting in that manner.

-Working at C3 while a student was easy thanks to flexible scheduling, so the three of them were able to work at C3 and attend university at the same time.

-Iori and Tooru would compete in cross dressing competitions in high school, just like Yumi and Tsurugi 😭 bless

-They don’t typically drink so much that they get drunk. They know the party is over once Iori starts getting sleepy ;u; because he has low tolerance… adorable.

-Tooru likes simple soy sauce ramen, Touma likes tonkotsu, and Iori likes shio ramen.

-Iori, Miyako, and Yumi are all really good at singing ;w; Thank you, that’s good to know.

-In addition to Gear and Yotarou completing odd jobs, Yotarou has an online store where he sells magic clothes and items that he makes.

-Gear rescued a woman (one of Tsurugi’s ancestors) he had become friends with by using his powers to help heal her/bring her back to life. He was afraid what people would do to her/them if they found out about it, so he ran off before the woman woke up and found out what had happened. It sounds possible she had no idea she had been given werewolf genes in order to survive.

[kiwriteswords]

Maybe we could hear. A quick summary of the ideas for each of those WIPs to try and see what we might want to see more??? It’s a tight vote!!

That’s a great idea! Definitely any feedback into what you might want to see next is helpful as most of these are near the finish line, but I am lacking the motivational inspiration to finish them, lol. I feel like when I plan a fic out for so long then work on it, I begin to lose the emotional investment and I would hate to abandon these.

Aaron Hotchner x Shy!Awkward!Reader: Reader has never been in a relationship before and is uncertain how to navigate dating Hotch, who is someone who doesn’t believe chivalry and romance should be dead. Reader is awkward with affection and being doted on, Hotch has to show her what it’s like to be loved and feel loved.

Aaron Hotchner x Reader: Enemies to Lovers trope. I keep changing versions of having reader be a BAU member or outside of the BAU (although I’m stuck on how to intertwine her in this energy throughout the story if she didn’t work for the BAU). But the dialogue in stories like this tend to get me the most excited—building that tension. I am afraid it could lean a little repetitive to some of my other works, though.

Aaron Hotchner x Reader: Domestic fluff—likely if posted before the holidays, I will have Christmas or New Years themes throughout. This is the story I only have a backbone for, really not much meat to it yet, but this is an easy write.

Aaron Hotchner x Non-BAU!Reader: Fate. Inspired by Serendipity, where these chance meetings keep occurring over the years making Hotch wonder the question of fate versus free will and if the universe is trying to tell him something every time he runs into this stranger—reader. My only “stuck parts” are variations of places or things that could happen outside of the BAU since Hotch has no life other than that, lol.

Aaron Hotchner x Non-BAU!Reader: Angst. Hotch ultimately is forced to leave Reader behind because of the Mr. Scratch case and we see the team rally around her as the news becomes heavier by Reader’s circumstances in her personal life. There’s minimal dialogue between reader and Hotch, it’s like long distance yearning and angst, but a happy ending. I’m almost done with this one—the closest to the finish line here out of all, but I feel emotionally disconnected (although I had a dream last night where I was in reader’s shoes).

PLEASE SOMEONE SAY, “Ki, you’re writing this and giving it to me.” Or any feedback or thoughts because most of these I am getting there, but need a push of inspiration!

[homeofthemany]

jack versus kai

& versus his past!

part 1, part 2, part 3

first part of my breakdown of 1x19, "kickin' it in china", that was supposed to be in my last post. i'd recommend reading it for context because i drift out of canon territory in some heavier ways that might not make sense here if you haven't already looked at it. (:

up until this point in the series, jack has been a pretty cool, confident, & unshakable kid, but we also haven't learned anything about him. we know he was trained by his grandfather [who's a karate master], but that's about it. he's incredibly skilled in martial arts & clearly very talented, but he's a very normal & down to earth guy. then we meet kai, and things sort of start to fall apart.

TW for light discussion of ptsd & trauma. super light, super nonspecific.

where is jack, mentally? who is kai?

jack gets to go to china to fight in a tournament that he's, in his words, been dreaming of ever since he started training. woohoo! this is good! i'm sure he feels very accomplished & reassured of his skill level after being accepted to compete in the championship! maybe he can actually get over what happened with that random kid named kai he mentioned! jack is seeing a future for himself in martial arts again and is training in a new, healthy environment with people he likes. what's more important to him is that they seem to like him back!

the first thing we learn about kai is that he's the only opponent jack has lost to, and it was so devastating to him [likely physically and emotionally] that he gives up on karate until he moves to seaford. he seems uncomfortable talking about the subject and clearly doesn't want to elaborate, which i think can show "can show", since this is a kids show & they can't go too into detail that he's still somewhat insecure about his skill even though he rationally knows that he's the best in their dojo.

while we're making assumptions based off of writing choices, i think it's interesting that he confides in rudy & kim, intentionally keeping this from the other three; jack goes out of his way to talk to them outside. i like to think that he knows that they look up to him so he didn't want to talk about it in front of them, but logically this is just the writers keeping the a-plot separate from the b-plot lol. everybody, especially jerry, should've been involved, but i get that it's a kids show & they need to balance out the heavy stuff with the silly stuff.

the next thing we learn about this mysterious kai opponent comes from the man himself! this match jack is talking about apparently happened two years ago ["i thought i beat the karate out of you two years ago."], so not at all close to the start of the series. this is something that deeply affected jack, enough to have made him give up on something that really matters to him. if we assume that kickin' it follows the standard full season = full year formula, then kai would've beaten jack probably about a year before the start of the show, maybe a little over that, since 1x19 would be happening by the end of that season year.

i could make a whole separate post about jack's [c-]ptsd via his grandfather [long-term] & the fight with kai [one main standalone traumatic event], but the gist is that i cannot see a reality where that fight doesn't absolutely wreck him in more ways than one. jack was beaten so badly that he dropped karate, something he was probably training in since he could walk, for an entire year. that poor kid absolutely develops ptsd.

he also had no intentions of returning to it until he met jerry, milton, eddie, & rudy. even still, he almost chooses to walk out on them until he realizes that they're just as passionate about karate as he probably was as a younger kid. jack insists that he's not a karate guy and is a self-proclaimed skater boy, but it's clear that he still loves it and loves the culture [& action movies teehee] surrounding it.

next part (:

[cinnbar-bun]

Desire and Failure for Mary?

hehe hiiiii phiiii uh to all my friends who are new to the sbr fic this one has some mentions of heavier topics.

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

Oh that's very simple, Mary just wants to be free and loved for who she is and love someone in return. To her she always grew up with the knowledge she was an "outsider" for her racial background, and the differences she had to other people just made her know she was never going to be accepted by others. She knew she had to be on her best behavior or risk being eaten alive and possibly tanking her father's career (which she never wold want to do because like it or not, FV was the only one to genuinely care for her).

She never is open about it and before understood she'd most likely end up in a political marriage or be a trophy wife, even with all her skills and desires to do good work. And she was going to end up like that with Diego if she just gave up, but they along with HP all worked it out and grew closer beyond just their perceived ranks :)

failure: What's your OC's greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it?

I would say post SBR fic it would be something akin to not being able to 'save' her father, but by that point it was set in stone and it was all his doing. Everyone kinda knows about that lol but even she mourns the father she lost versus the man she fought. Other than that, I think to her she has a firm stance that 'shit happens' and there's no use dwelling on stuff in the past, so she can't really think of things that's a massive failure.

NOW IF WE'RE DISCUSSING WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN AN EVENTUAL FUTURE FIC BOY I COULD GO ON ALL DAY-

[skinnypaleangryperson]

It's interesting, the contrasting difference between the way that Rick sees and thinks about things versus being someone like Jerry ( this concept that the episode presented is incredibly philosophical in terms of what the difference is between a mind and a brain already.)

But generally, I think this definitely suggests that Rick is either completely miserable inside of his own brain so much the point that in mind like Jerry wouldn't be able to handle it for even one minute from the way that he sees and knows things, which has definitely been suggested throughout the series-and likewise, that he wouldn't be able to handle being inside of a simpler person's brain in for some sort of deeply emotionally and psychologically traumatizing reason that comes along with being wired the way that Rick is. Which I think is interesting, if there's anything to go by from the more nuanced and eccentric people that I've met throughout my life, who have all been completely miserable in contrast to the simpler people around them.

I think it's interesting because it seems to relate to how intelligence or at the very least being a unique thinker than the average leads to someone being completely miserable, and this is a good comical somewhat exaggeration about how mad it would make a person go to be someone who has all of the heaviness that goes on in their brain and the things that they know from intelligence, or maybe not even intelligence but even just being a unique thinker and seeing human life and existence in general in a certain way that might make them different but miserable, and contrast it to a mind like Jerry. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I definitely see this as an interesting commentary between the contrast between simpler-minded people and more "full-headed", tormented people like Rick-or at the very least, people who are more neurodivergent, versus people who are more content and simple, and how the two would be incredibly dysfunctional coming together.

Mainly watching only the show for any kind of hint that we have towards what it's like to be Rick and his brain, and his emotional state in general, since I find him fascinating and what he represents is a character, I definitely think this is an interesting contrast about how much differently he thinks and sees things in contrast other people, and how much this portrayal is such an abrasive difference between the way that he say things and miserable he is for it and miserable it would make someone like Jerry, the "mind" of Jerry, so to speak, that he wouldn't even be able to hate to stand having that kind of brain for even 5 minutes. Speaks true to reality to me, for some reason, lol.

The reason why this fascinates me so much isn't really so much because of intelligence or anything like that, but more so the contrast between the neurodivergent and the mentally ill versus the more neurotypical and the more simple. As someone who has been miserable their entire life and has seen things very differently from the people around me and has always wondered how people are so happy and content with the way that things are compared to the way that I see them, for me, this feels like an odd contrast between the neurodivergent and the neurotypical, and how completely miserable the neurodivergent are for the way that they see the state of the world and humanity in general. The thoughtful and the heavy-minded and did the people that are constantly seeing day-to-day life with a certain kind of interpretation that is much heavier and more complex, and with self-reflection towards themselves and existence as a whole and ways that are almost incomprehensible with how much they're constantly turning over in their heads life everyday, versus the brainless and the easy minded, so to speak.

[cornsnoot]

I have received the new snakes!

So, although I like the new snakes, I prefer the original. And even though I very much appreciate your offer to send me new ones in the original design, I don't want you to have to go all through that for me. That doesn't feel right.

What I hope you will consider doing - not that I'm sure this is possible, I don't know how you do the things - is making both the thinner and thicker options available in the shop.

I have small fingers (because I'm weird) and I like the original because it's lighter and thinner and reminds me of playing with coins, especially in sound. The new one is a little heavier and thicker in the hand, and it reminds me of playing with small glass marbles in feel and sound. (Hope the comparison makes sense.)

So, I think the two options makes sense for different hands and different stim sounds and feels people are looking for.

I'm sure I'll get used to the new ones. It'll just take some time. So, please don't worry about replacing them. And I probably wouldn't have been noticing the feel difference if it wasn't for getting this chance to try both. So, that's just down to insane timing.

Hope this was helpful and not upsetting in anyway!

oh no worries this is definitely helpful! and i actually agree with you, i do have a slight personal preference to the thinner snakes, but i decided the thicker one should probably be the default after i did some testing by intentionally breaking them. obviously don't do this but alfkdj hypothetically if you were to take two of the segments in your hands and forcefully twist them past their stopping point, you'd notice the thinner snakes break much easier than the thicker ones despite only being 5mm thick versus 4mm thick. i figured it would suck getting reviews where people were like "these are cute but i already managed to break one :(" yknow?

so i'll have to decide whether i wanna offer the original version separately (i guess i could offer them with a disclaimer in the description), BUT the other issue is something i can address easier!

when i designed the version that changes colors in the presence of heat (essentially making it hollow for faster heat absorption), i noticed those were lighter in the hand and they had a much more clacky sound to them due to the hollow segments :O personally i liked it, so a good middle ground may be to just make the rest of them hollow? i'll have to keep thinking about it obviously because i should probably avoid making any compulsive design changes lol, but definitely helpful feedback! down the road, if you end up getting more, then feel free to ask beforehand what conclusion i ended up going with and we can figure something out :O

[jakowskis]

Batjokes Meta

Hello, so I’ve been fixated on Joker / Batjokes again and I have a lot of thoughts. I did my best to sort my extremely messy ideas into some basic concepts and then went to town dissecting them. Everything here is my opinion! Just things I’ve concluded, based on content I’ve consumed. Responses are welcome and encouraged! Please (kindly) tell me if you disagree and why, too, ‘cause I love differing perspectives. Gives me so much more scope. And if you do agree, feel free to reblog with any additional thoughts! Or DM me, if that’s more comfortable for you. I’m very passionate about this, as evidenced by all the paragraphs I’ve typed up, and I’m eager to discuss it!

General trigger warning for some heavier topics, seeing as we’re discussing the Joker who’s, yanno, whole thing is murder and destruction and mayhem. Nothing a Batjokes fan wouldn’t be familiar with and possibly even fond of, of course. Only other thing I feel a need to warn for is very frankly discussing mental illness, especially in these first few paragraphs. I’m a big ball of mental illness myself (in fact it’s been pretty bad lately, which is probably why I’m back to fixating on the damn Joker, lmao. Coping and all), so I’m gonna use blunt terms, but please know I’m not intending to be ableist or ignorant. I’m fully aware of the weight behind words and the thin ice always being treaded on regarding Joker’s mental health.

This analysis contains three segments:

Batman and Joker as opposing forces

The nature of their canonical relationship

Could their relationship ever evolve into something semi-traditionally romantic?

Let’s begin...

1. Batman and Joker as opposing forces

So, as we all know, Batman and Joker are meant to contrast one another. Order versus chaos, repression versus freedom, even masculine “heterosexuality” (although, lol, Bruce,,,) versus feminine/androgynous queerness. They’ve always existed as perfect foils for one another. One place I think this trend of being opposing forces is especially cool is in the fact that Batman is one of the only times a hero has been characterized by darkness and blackness. Usually within fictional narratives, black is evil and white is good, but we have a unique take on that trope in that Joker’s the light one, he’s colorful and bright and, of course, very villainous, in stark opposition to our noble Dark Knight. 

Anyway, another place this mirroring is prevalent, which I don’t see talked about as often as it ought to, because it’s super interesting; I recently read an analysis that said something along the lines of, Batman and the Joker both lost their minds and snapped - but in opposite directions. Bruce had his One Bad Day that broke him, and he lost himself to it, but in his specific brand of madness, he clung desperately to order and justice, and committed himself to enforcing those ideals, to the point of sacrificing his ability to maintain a healthy private life, unreasonably dedicating himself to keeping the city’s villains alive despite all the harm they do, and convincing, nay, deluding himself into believing they can be rehabilitated despite frequent evidence to the contrary. There’s a good man behind it, certainly, but not a healthy one. Not one who’s in his right mind. There’s an illness behind his actions that isn’t as talked about, especially alongside the much more outwardly and visibly mentally ill Joker. 

I think this adds a beautiful contrast between them, when we realize they were both created in response to the world hurting them. They both saw how cruel the world could be, but Bruce dedicated himself to trying to fight it, and trying to fix it. He no longer cared about it hurting him, he just wanted to stop it from hurting others. He never wanted anyone to hurt like he did the night his parents died. Which… backfired, because in his refusal to let Joker (and the other villains) die, thousands of others have. (“All the people I’ve murdered by letting you live.”) But that’s another story.

On the flip side, Joker suffered at the universe’s cruel hands, and he decided to laugh at it. The reason why he finds the humor in misery is something everyone could pitch in about, but my thinking is that Joker, post-transformation, is primarily dedicated to a need to be free (among other things, of course, like his need for stimulation and entertainment). Free from society’s expectations, its rules, its entrapments. To be truly free, one can’t be controlled by anything - including the universe. And it can never hurt him again if he laughs instead of cries. It can’t get him when he finds pain so goddamn amusing.

Which led me to an interesting revelation. Following his dedication to seeing the joke of it all, he began devoting himself to trying to get everyone else to see the joke. Which, of course, manifested in him trying to break everyone, both specific people and Gothamites as a whole - give them all their one bad day, en masse. A lot of ‘em died before he could see if it worked, sure, but eh, collateral damage, as far as he’s concerned. Regardless, in this way he’s sort of repeating his own trauma? Not the specific circumstances, of course, just the concept. And if you think about it, he feels like that trauma freed him - which means he’s kind of trying to save people, in his own fucked up way. He’s trying to save them from ignorance and normalcy. Well, again, the ones he keeps alive, anyway. Because he does have a tendency to try to keep people alive, after he’s made them suffer. More interesting that way. Death’s only funny under certain circumstances, to him. But only if they’ve proved themselves as being vaguely interesting.

I think this is doubly interesting when we think about the fact that Joker considers himself an agent of chaos. He’s sort of… trying to convey a message, he’s trying to spread something to the masses. And it’s worked, he’s the face of Gotham’s anarchy movement for a reason. It’s spread to real life, too, though society’s appreciation of and identification with Joker deserves its own analysis. But even that contrasts with Batman. Batman targets individuals to try to keep everyone safe, and something is being communicated to society as a byproduct (namely the message of, “I’m here to protect you. I’ll do my best to keep you safe,” while Joker targets society, partially to communicate something to an individual, namely Batman. The masses get the message, too, which he appreciates, but at some point, his attention narrowed down to Batman and Batman alone. Probably when he realized he could find his eternal purpose in him. Constantly fighting him, constantly working to undo his do-gooding. 

Speaking of. Now we come to all of this in relation to Batman and Joker. Despite not knowing the circumstances behind Batman’s conception, Joker’s deduced something made him the way he is, and he finds it fascinating the universe could produce two perfectly opposing entities from theoretically similar circumstances. He can’t understand why Batman’s dedicated himself to order when, to him, it’s so clear that’s a foolish and futile conviction - but he appreciates it nonetheless. He loves the way they oppose each other so perfectly. He loves that he’s got someone to be his perfect enemy.  

Which leads us to our next point.

2. The nature of Batman and Joker’s canonical relationship

I’m just gonna bluntly begin this with a single declaration: they’re so deeply bonded, to such a remarkable extent, it’s hard to dismiss it as anything but ~love~. Certain fans and writers will try to pretend that’s not a reality, but it is. It’s not shippers goggles, either; Joker’s feelings have been explicitly put into writing enough that most people can pick up on it (though the amount of times I’ve seen it boiled down to “it’s just him being a creep / it’s him trying to unnerve Batman” … I could commit atrocities), while Batman’s feelings are much more subtextual, but both are prevalent enough within the content that it’s hard to make an argument that they’re not deeply emotionally entangled. 

Now, it’s not traditional romantic love, by any means, but there’s romantic fragments… undercurrents. Especially on Joker’s end. He perceives it as a romance. He expresses it to everyone as being something inherently romantic. That’s where I take issue with the “he just does it to unnerve Batman” argument, because while that’s true, I do think he likes to taunt Bruce with it because it gives him power over him and because it’s amusing to - he speaks about him using romantic-coded language when he’s not even there. When he’s alone, or when he’s talking to other people privately. It’s just a fundamental part of his character. He adores him, in a sick, horribly unhealthy way. Absolutely revolves around him. 

And it’s complex, because I consider it love, it’s been referred to as love, but it’s such a bizarre brand of love… because on both ends, it’s dark and obsessive and grim. On Joker’s side, it’s “I’ll kill everyone around you until there’s only me and you, locked in this eternal dance. You’re my world and I’ll make it so I’m yours too, because that’s what we’ve been building towards, and you know it. You’ve always known it.” Which… is the plot of DotF/Endgame, but I do think that’s like, the darkest end of Joker’s fixation on Batman. 

Which begs the question; is there a lighter end? That’s something I’m going to explore extensively, later on. Something I find of particular note is Joker’s particular tendency to talk about kissing. Like, his flirting often comes back to mentioning kissing - “Can I have a little kiss?”, and stuff like that. Hell, that’s even relevant in his flirtations with other characters, particularly men (the one panel of him asking Lex Luthor if he’s “going to kiss him or what?” springs to mind. Ooh, also ASHoSE’s “Kiss me, Charlie!”). A lot of times Joker comes across as rather... lovelorn, like there’s this legitimate hopeless romanticism to his otherwise pretty depraved Batman obsession, which is something worth exploring, because it says a lot about his human side. You know, speaking of, I find it interesting that his best known origin, The Killing Joke, involves him having a wife he loved deeply, because that doesn’t seem particularly relevant to his character, it doesn’t seem to really contribute anything to him - except, maybe, why love is such an important concept to him. Well, in regards to him and Batman, anyway. Also, I’ve thought a lot about him and Harley, and I don’t wanna get into that here, but the fact that he kept her around because he liked having someone who loved and cared about him… yeah. You wouldn’t expect it, but deep down, Joker does have a need for love and validation and affection that’s pretty damn human, although, in his twisted mind, it’s usually sated by Batman’s “attentions”. A kiss with a fist is better than none!

Speaking of… I recently read some excellent meta from the incredible Dracze (the author of Half Way Across, if you’re unfamiliar, which is the most popular fic in the Batjokes fandom - and deservedly so) and they talked about how Bruce and Joker channel their complex feelings for each other into their fights, which is why their confrontations are so much more passionate and heated and even sexually charged than their fights with anyone else. For Joker, it’s courting. Their fights are dances. In DotF, when he tries to poison Batman, he calls it “his kiss”. It’s all intrinsically romantic for J. 

And for Bruce, well, he doesn’t read it as romantic - he refuses to - but he feels it. He feels their connection, and it terrifies him. Where Joker revels in it, has dedicated himself to it, Bruce lives for it nearly just as much, and he knows it, and he can’t stand it. But he does understand it. He’s arguably not even in denial about it, just unwilling to verbalize it. To validate what Joker’s always claiming, even though he knows he’s right. 

What is their connection anyway? Why are they bonded in the first place? Well, aside from what I previously mentioned in regards to them reflecting each other, and aside from Joker sincerely believing he was created to be Batman’s arch enemy - they’re each other's greatest challenge. Not only by way of immediate stimulation, as in the utter adrenaline of always trying to keep up with one another, to consistently one-up each other... it’s all a battle of wits (and fists), all about mental and physical stimulation. They both crave it. Batman enables Joker, indulges him, because he needs it, too. And in all of this battling, they’ve learned each other, as no one else has. (“I hurt him. I know him.”)

But, the long term challenge lies in completely transforming the other. Fixing Joker would be Batman’s greatest victory (and in this way, he’d ‘defeat’ him), and breaking Batman would be Joker’s. J wants Bats to give into madness (which is everything he’s fighting against), and Bruce wants Joker to give into order (which is everything he’s fighting against).  They’re both relentlessly attacking each other’s cores, because if they won, if they succeeded, it’d be the ultimate victory. 

But something interesting that we don’t really talk about… is the fact that for Bruce, “fixing” Joker would involve, fundamentally, breaking him. Because he wants him to give into order, to give into his better nature, which goes against everything Joker is. Where Batman’s dedicated to his morals, and Joker’s constantly trying to get him to break his code, and we all acknowledge that, Joker’s entire being revolves around his conviction to meaninglessness and chaos. His refusal to let laws dictate him - even ones governed by the universe. His refusal to be tamed. If he did, if he was stifled, it’d probably break him. And that’s… what Bruce wants. And what a lot of shippers seem to want, but I’ll explore that more in the next section. But I find it interesting that everywhere else, Bruce’s dedication to rehabilitating villains is an endearing quality, and it seems that way with Joker, too (because the ending of TKJ, when Batman offers it, it’s undeniably a really touching moment) - but then you take into account that Joker canonically gets suicidal and listless when he can’t be the chaos to Batman’s order, because chaos is all he has. There’s good intentions, of course, behind both Bruce and the Batjokes shippers in question, but I just wonder about the consequences of trying to… get Joker to behave, really, lol. Because it would go against everything he is, and I can’t imagine him being okay with that. (Even if it meant he could win Batman’s love. Oops, spoilers for the next section.)

Either way, neither of them can ever seem to succeed in truly defeating the other, in their respective ways, so it’s just a perpetual war. Bruce feels responsible for the Joker, so he considers it his duty to always be there to fight him. And Joker has this fantasy of Batman giving in and killing him, he wants that victory over him, but he also just loves the fighting so much. So he savors it and aims to break him slow. With every little scheme, every occupied building he blows up, he’s seeing how far he can push the bat. He’s eternally devoted to always being the chaos to Batman’s order - to the death. ‘Til death do us part.

And in that… lies their particular peculiar brand of love. These two men… they’re star crossed, they’re some type of soulmates, but those concepts, here, aren’t exempt from darkness. They’re not romantic and idealistic. Batman and Joker are soulmates, their paths are deeply interlocked and interwoven, and still they beat each other until they’re bruised and bloody and delirious. And for Joker, that’s what love is, and for Bruce… he doesn’t know what the hell is going on, but he needs Joker, needs him as he is, sick and twisted and fucked. He has a darkness inside him that Joker provides an outlet for, that Joker welcomes, and it’s… G-d, I don’t even know. It’s fascinating.

But the question I wrote this analysis with the intention of going over is this: could they ever be healthy? Could they ever be in love in a more traditional kind of way - in a way that’s almost even normal?

Which brings us to our next segment. 

3. Could Batman and Joker’s relationship ever evolve into something semi-traditionally romantic?

Alright, this is what I’ve been waiting for. So from everything I’ve said, hopefully if you’re still reading, we can agree this is a love story. The thing is, in current canon, it’s an unacted-upon romance. Unconsummated. Because Bruce doesn’t want to acknowledge what they have, and Joker doesn’t want to potentially ruin what they have (which is why he’s never graduated passed simply flirting. Anything more might push Bruce into panic mode and he’d isolate himself, and Joker knows that and doesn’t want to chase him away. Well, that and, on the DC people’s end, fear of canonizing the homosezuality of it all, having to commit to it, and risking alienating the dudebros lol.)

Regardless - currently, Joker’s alright with that. He gets what he needs out of their relationship. Something I think a lot of Batjokes shippers would disagree with me on is that I don’t know if Joker really has an interest in having Batman/Bruce romantically, let alone sexually. I think what they have, to him, is as good as sex and emotional intimacy is to normal couples. 

The thing I find interesting is that I think Bruce would have an interest in pursuing a legitimate... normal-coded (new term lmao) relationship with Joker. He’d just require that he change fundamentally first. See, for reference, there’s a trend amongst several of my favorite ships (plenty of enemies-to-lovers ships, as you can imagine) in which you have a character who’s done bad things (note: the severity of the atrocities in question varies, but I think with Joker’s crimes in particular, shippers tend to deem certain stuff irredeemable and pick and choose, and usually decide to focus on versions of Joker who aren’t quite so bad - which is perfectly understandable and acceptable in a fandom revolving around comics, where characterizations are so inconsistent and what’s canon and what’s not is already pretty wonky)... yeah, you have a character who’s done bad things, and then you have another character who sees the potential and good in them anyway, who has a complex and romantically-coded relationship with them, but who also has the maturity and stoicism to refuse to get romantically involved until they’ve overseen their change into a better person. The idea of nudging an antagonistic character into undergoing a redemption arc, so they can be rewarded with love - it’s a charming concept. It’s kind of therapeutic, really, to those of us that are villain lovers, but not apologists. We acknowledge they’ve done bad, we have them put in the work to be better, and then we get to enjoy them not even being interested in villainy anymore because they’ve finally gotten a taste of being loved, and it’s enough for them. Finally, they have something else, something purer, to live for and to derive fulfilment from. And I think several Batjokes shippers enjoy this concept, too. Redeeming Joker, so Bruce can (sort of) non-guiltily love him back. Because he’s so sure there’s something redeemable in Joker. Everyone tells him there’s not, but he refuses to believe them, partially because that’d be giving up, but also because… I think he really wants to believe the man he feels so deeply connected to, this man who he’s invested so much into, isn’t pure evil. 

So, I think Bruce… has the propensity to be inherently interested in a “normal” relationship, because the nature of his infatuation with Joker lies in taking responsibility for him and keeping him under control. If that manifested in ‘fixing’ him, and then, eventually, just keeping him happy and healthy… I think he could be content with that. Fulfilled by that. It’d just take time and development. 

What I think is utterly fascinating about that is that Joker knows this. And it troubles him. 

The reason I started this analysis was because the one semi-recent comic, involving Bruce and Selina getting married and Joker sabotaging it - it’s been fucking haunting me. Selina and Joker’s conversation in it is absolutely phenomenal, and sooooo thought provoking. 

The line that prompted all of this, all… 4k+ words, apparently, was this one: “He wants peace, and I could give him that, and he’d love me …. [but] if I did that … he’d lose the frown and the costume and the big black bat. He can’t be happy, and also be Batman.”

This line fucking blew my mind, because it shows that Joker’s thought about it. He’s reflected and been like, “This is love, but it’s not normal love. Could I be happy with normal love? Could he?” He thought about it and he realized - if he wanted Batman’s love, in the pure sense of the world, he could win it. He knows exactly what he needs to do to win it. All it’d take would be giving in. Expressing a willingness to change. But he could make Batman love him - at the expense of everything he is. At the cost of their eternal battle. And the trouble is, that’s what Joker’s in love with. The hatred, the intensity, the fighting. So (the man behind) Batman could love him, and could probably even be content in it - but Joker’s worried it wouldn’t be enough for him. And in that way, he’s not really, truly in love with him. He’s in love with the idea of him. What he stands for. He wants Batman’s love, but if he got it, it’d probably bore him. Because he’s not interested in the man beneath the mask. He’s interested in what he perceives as the god of order that he was reborn to fight against. 

And it hurts him. In this comic especially, it saddens him, and it could extend to other versions of him… because I think that’s that human part of Joker, that exists deep down, impossibly deep down, where no one can access it - but it still comes up and tears at him, sometimes. Because he’s the personification of Differentness, to such an extreme extent that he doesn’t know if he could exist comfortably in a “normal” way. He’s scared to attempt to, because he’s sure it wouldn’t work. That human part of him wants love, wants Batman’s in particular because he adores him so, but he knows it wouldn’t be enough.

Which… fucking sucks, as a shipper. A lot of shippers like to think Joker could be happy in a domestic relationship with Bruce. That it’d be enough for him, and he’d be willing to give everything up if he got to love Bruce and be loved in return. Trouble is… I think he’d be soooooo indefinitely understimulated by that. I mentioned Half Way Across, and I think that fic is absolutely brilliant, though in my pondering, I’ve determined it works so well (and even at all) because it’s under very, very specific circumstances. Like, it was absolute genius on the writer’s part, and their relationship develops believably and beautifully into something wonderful, but I don’t know how possible it’d be for them to evolve into something traditionally romantic elsewhere. Mostly because of Joker’s need for stimulation. He had little else to do, so he was able to find the process of falling in love to be stimulating and appealing, and it certainly helped that Bruce was giving him and him alone such focused positive attention for once. But I don’t know if he’d be able to sit still and do that if he was still running the city.

So perhaps he could be content with love, but I don’t know if he could… slow down long enough to give it a try? Which is another question, really - what would need to be done to stop them fighting for a minute so they might have a chance to acknowledge their feelings? And could they even have a relationship without one trying to fundamentally change the other? Could they compromise? Would they be willing to? What’s the second biggest thing they could offer each other / take from each other, as a show of faith, without wanting to break each other? 

Hell, could Joker somehow keep (most of) his philosophies about chaos and violence, but align himself with good? They’ve worked together against common enemies before. Maybe that’d be a compromise. Joker no longer committing violent crimes, but still being along to go reasonably, heh, batshit against people Batman agrees deserve it? Could Bruce sort of… divert Joker’s energy into something more productive for Gotham, ie crime-fighting?

Again, though, would Joker want that? Would he want a relationship with Batman that didn’t involve them at each other’s throats? Some comics say yes. I know White Knight had something about, “I had to be close to you, even if it meant being your enemy.” But I don’t think Batman alone is Joker’s raison d’etre. Fighting Batman is. Having an equal, a worthy opponent, an outlet for his energy, someone who takes everything he gives him and hits back with more - that’s what he lives for.  

And it’s what they’re tied into. Their bond is founded on violence, and they both pour all their frustration and grief at the world into each other, because they’re personifications of everything the other is working against. Bruce is always thinking, “Why can’t the evil just stop? When does it end? Why can’t I fix it and end all the pain?”, and Joker is the personification of needless, endless evil - and Joker is always thinking, “Why can’t anyone see the humor in it all? Why can’t they laugh at it with me? Why can’t you, Bats?”, with Bruce representing the refusal to see futility, and foolish (and stubborn?) devotion to hope. Unstoppable object, immovable force. They’re stuck in it, and dependent on it, and a weird, incredible connection’s come out of it… where they need each other, they crave each other, they exist for each other. 

There’s romance bubbling under the surface of it all, for sure. It could go somewhere, if someone took a step towards change. If someone gave in. But neither of them are willing to. And, like I’ve spent this whole thing establishing, if either of them did, it’d fundamentally break them, at their cores. Now, it seems like Joker being the one to change, him being the one to give in and let Bats guide him towards a better path, would be positive all around, because maybe his core needs to be broken so he could be happy and healthy, but I just… mmm, there’s a fuckton of unexplored potential there. I find it really stimulating, thinking about what they could potentially become. Of all my ships, no other pairing is this complex, specifically in regards to, like, what their future could look like. Usually it’s pretty cut and dry, but here, it’s a mess. And I love it. 

So yeah, I’ll wrap up with that. Like I said at the beginning, please offer your thoughts! I sort of put out a controversial opinion by saying, “I don’t know if Joker could be happy if he actually got Batman’s love”, but while I believe that, it makes me sad as hell, so I’d really love it if somebody proved me wrong haha. What do you think it’d take for him to be interested in something traditional? Or maybe that’s the wrong angle, maybe wanting them to have something “normal” isn’t a feasible concept, so what do you think would be the best way for them to navigate their relationship into something less unspoken? What do you think they should graduate to, and how do you think they could get there? 

Thanks so much for reading, and have a lovely day :)

[ikimonoeren]

𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐘

☆ warnings. none just fluff

☆ summary. college student f!reader is enjoying her meal after her day is done with her three besties, connie, sasha and jean on a unexpectedly nice day. that is until eren disrupts it and her peace of mind and invites them to a party that mikasa, armin and him are hosting. reader had no choice, but to go in the end. what happens when she is unexpectedly face with her own feels? read to find out.

☆ author's note. y'all this story made me cry laughing writing, but i'm probably going to continue writing light hearted fics for a while bc attack on titan is way too serious now (rightfully so) and i miss eren being his happy and (kind of) carefree self so yeahhhh also this is over 3k words lol

Like any other day after you were done class, you hung out on campus with your friends as you guys enjoyed your post three-hour history course meals. Today in particular was beautiful. It wasn't too hot nor was it too cold. Which was rare for early spring. Usually it would be mid thirties, maybe high forties if you were lucky. But today you could enjoy being in lighter clothes versus your heavier coats and cloggy boots.

"Damn, it is so nice out." Jean breathed out as he put his hands behind his head, closing his eyes and basked in the sun.

"I know right. It's suppose to be like this all weekend. We should go to the beach or something." Connie suggested as he took a bite of his sandwhich.

"Oo, that sounds perfect--Oh." Your face fell at the sight of him.

He was talking up yet another girl. Leaning up against, the brick wall as he made the red head giggle. She was putty in his hands.

"What's wrong?" Sasha asked before they all turned to see Eren looking very smugly at the girl he was talking up.

"I don't like him. I find him disgusting." You grimaced at him as he laughed at whatever she was saying which caused you to stab at your lettuce before shoving it into your mouth.

"What the lettuce do." Connie asked as he pouted at the poor lettuce leaves being mutilated by your utensil.

"Yeah, I obsess and talk about people who disgust me all the time too." Jean retorted raising his eyesbrows at you.

"I don't talk about him all the time."

"You really kinda do." The three of them chorused as they gave each other a knowing look.

You frowned at them as you returned your attention back to your salad, but before you could puncture it once more you heard his voice.

"Hey, guys. What's goin' on?" He took a nearby chair and scooted up next to you and Jean.

"[name] was just talking about how much she loved that shirt on you." Jean gave you a smug smile as Connie and Sasha giggled.

"Oh, really?" Eren's tanned cheeks were now dusted a rosy pink as he smiled at you and looked down at his fitted shirt. "Thanks. My mom just got me this the other day."

You scoffed as you looked at him. Why was he trying to be humble?

"Well, anyway. I wanted to ask if you guys were up for a beach party. The weather is suppose to be nice this weekend so Armin and Mikasa thought it would be fun to host one together." Eren rubbed his hands together flashing you guys his signature smile.

"Totally!" Sasha agreed immediately.

"Yeah, we were just talking about going this weekend. That's perfect." Connie looked over at Jean who was agreeing mostly because of the mentioning of Mikasa.

"Great! I can't wait to see you guys there!" Eren clapped his hands together as he got up from his chair.

"I..." You began to say but Eren was filled wih too much excitement to notice. Your face dropped as he walked away. "...never agreed."

You sighed as your friends rolled their eyes at you.

"Can you stop acting like you're not into him?" Sasha nudged you and you gave her a disgusted face.

"Can you not?"

"No, can you not. You have a huge crush on him, but you're not willing to admit it and honestly it's really annoying." Connie interjected sipping on his water.

"Try pathetic. When are you ever going to get over it? It's been like five years, [name]." Jean crossed his arms at you. "You need to let go of the past."

You dropped your fork onto the table making it clatter loudly against the metal. "You know what. I don't need this bullshit."

And with that you grabbed your things and picked up your food that was no longer appetizing and trashed it.

"C'mon, [name]. Don't be like that." Sasha reached out to your wrist but you tugged it back to your side as you stomped away from them.

Connie sighed as he set his water bottle down. "You know you didn't have to be such an asshole, Jean."

"What? No way. I wasn't being an asshole to her." Jean said looking at him in disbelief.

"Yes you were. You need to apologize to her." Sasha looked down at the seat where Eren had previous sat in and noticed something was left on the chair.

She picked it up and examined it realizing it was the charm that you had made Eren years ago in high school that you used to try and profess your love with as Jean and Connie bickered with one another.

"Guys, I know how we're going to get Eren and [name] together." Sasha said holding up the cutesy charm to the two of them.

"No way." Jean grabbed it from her as he observed it.

"Oh my God. Is that the little thingy that [name] made for Eren to like confess to him or whatever." Connie squinted at it as Jean twirled it around in his fingers.

It was a bear holding a heart charm that you had made out of polymer clay for Eren to give to him on Valentine's Day to declare your feelings for him. You had shown the three of them the cute little charm before you had slipped it into his locker. Jean and Connie were secretly jealous that they weren't receiving such an endearing thing even though they had claimed that it was "Laaaame". Sasha, however, was always supportive cheering you on from the sidelines.

"Yup, and it's our secret weapon." She plucked the bear charm out of Jean's fingers as she smiled mischeviously at it.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Connie doubled in on Sasha's mischief.

But Jean was confused as he looked between the both of them. "No, I don't. At all actually."

The pair rolled their eyes at him. "I guess we're the only two great minds around here." Connie covered his mouth as he spoke to Sasha in a lower tone.

"I can hear you, you dildo." Jean grumbled as he karate chopped Connie's head.

"Ow!" He whined as Sasha giggled at them.

"Well, let's fill you in then." Sasha said ending their little quarrel and then smiled and nodded getting on board almost instantly. They were finally going to start their mission of getting you and Eren together once and for all.

* * *

"What swimsuit should I wear?" You asked putting on your go to black one piece.

"Ugh, no. Put on your lilac three piece with the mini sarong. And, ooh! Add body jewelry around your waist. That would be sooo cute." Sasha cheered as she searched your drawers and pulled everything out.

You looked down hesistantly at the swimsuit. "Are you sure? I mean this one is a little revealing, don't you think?"

Sasha smiled at you as she sat down on your bed."There's nothing wrong with playing it safe, but I wanna see you look hot! There's going to be sooo many cute guys there tonight and I want you to look your best, you know?"

You rolled your eyes and smiled. "Do I have to?"

You turned around and looked at your self in the mirror as Sasha got up and held the bikini top to your chest with a large grin on her face. "Yes, please. You're gonna look amazing in this."

"Okay."

"Really?" Sasha couldn't hide her excitement as she jumped up and down. You laughed at her and nodded.

"Sure, just because I can tell that it's making you extremely happy."

"Yes! Now go change!" She shoved the rest of the swimsuit into your arms and rushed you to the bathroom. You giggled as you had never seen her so thrilled to go to a party. Eren must've promised a lot of good food...

* * *

As you and Sasha had pulled up to the beach, you noticed that party was already in full motion. Dozens of college students in their swimming suits swaying to the beat of the music as their drinks sloshed in their hands. You felt your hands get clammy as you tightened your grip on the steering wheel.

"...[name]...[name]...[name]!!"

"Huh." You turned to look over at Sasha who was watching you have your internal meltdown.

"You look amazing, okay? Just take a few deep breaths with me." She put her hand on your shoulder as the both of you took three extensive breaths before you slapped your cheeks.

"I got this!" You exclaimed to yourself causing Sasha to get riled up.

"You got this!" She cheered you on watching as you undid your seat belt and jumped out of your car.

Sasha linked her arms with yours as you guys entered the party. And you gotta say it was one hell of a fucking party. There were tiki torches, a makeshift bar, and of course, the infamous snack table that was being tended to by Niccolo.

You attempted to keep the table and Niccolo out of view as you waved over to Jean and Connie who were speaking to Marco and Historia.

"Hey guys!" You padded over to them and their eyes nearly popped out of their head. "Jean."

You made a face at him and he rolled his eyes at you.

"Oh, God! [name]! Sasha! You guys look so good!" Historia cheered giving you both hugs.

"Y-yeah, you look really nice, [name]." Marco murmured against his red cup before taking a long swig of it.

"Well, well, well. It looks like Tia and Tamera came out to play. Who are you trying to impress tonight?" Jean asked cocking an eyebrow at you.

You felt your face getting warm as you covered your chest. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"As much as I want to disagree with Jean's phrasing or lack there of, he's kind of onto something, Who are you trying to impress?" Connie pressed trying to hide his flustered expression.

"You know, just all the cute guys here, tonight." Sasha leaned into you giving you a squeeze on both your forearms.

"Well, I think you look super hot!" Historia nudged at you laughing.

"Well, thanks."

"Look," Jean got your attention. "I'm sorry, okay? I was an asshole. I shouldn't have said that shit to you."

You sighed and rolled your eyes. "It's whatever, man."

"So we good?" He smiled at you raising his fist to you.

You smiled back at him and raised your own to fist bump him. “We good.”

"Yayy!!" Sasha cheered. "Now, you can be hot and happy!"

You felt your face getting hot again and averted your gaze looking off to the side and seeing, yup you guessed it, Eren freakin' Jaeger talking to Mikasa and Armin over by the tiki bar.

His gaze caught yours for a moment and his jaw went aslack just gawking at you to which you quickly turned around. "Fucking hell."

"Oh, he's coming this way~" Jean sang as he looked over to his right and waved.

The trio finally joined your group and you all greeted one another with dabs and hugs, except, well, for you and Eren.

"You look really nice, [name]." Eren said softly to you as everyone conversed.

Your eyes shifted to him to see him rubbing his neck and with a healthy blush on the apples of his cheeks. You suddenly felt hot in the face. "Yeah, whatever. Thanks...I guess.

He chuckled at you feeling a little more confident. "Wow, that's like the first time you've ever accepted a compliment from me."

"Don't get used to it." You took the red solo cup that was offered to you from Sasha and sipped on it.

He only laughed off your usual brashness towards him.

God, he was so annoying.

But really you were beginning to get lost in his tanned skin and toned abs that peeked through the exposed chest of his unbuttoned hawaiian print shirt. And his eyes. His gorgeous teal eyes.

You had to mentally slap yourself out the trance you were putting yourself in.

"Hey Sasha. I thought you'd be by the snack bar by now." You heard Niccolo's voice pipe up from behind you guys and you could've sworn you saw hearts in her eyes. Was it to him, or the food? You had no idea.

As she left your side, you chugged down the rest of your drink. "I'm going to the bar."

You began to walk away from the group and sat yourself at the one of the bar stools.

"You alright?" The buff blonde behind the counter asked.

"No, Reiner, I am not okay." You huffed at him as he gave you a smile.

"Why? You look hot. Enjoy yourself."

You tried to hide your smile, but it failed. "Thanks. I guess, I'm just feeling super uptight."

"Pina colada?" He asked raising the glass he was cleaning to you.

"Yes, please."

"Make that two, please."

You couldn't help but roll your eyes.

"If you roll your eyes any harder they're gonna fall out of your head." He teased as he watched your mutual friend pour up your glasses.

Reiner looked between the both of you as he shook the cocktail shaker. "He's not wrong."

"I thought you were on my side!" You complained, pouting at him and he threw his head back and laughed.

"I'm on no one's 'side'." He laughed looking over at Eren before pouring your drinks and pushed them towards you both. "Enjoy."

You huffed once again as you took a sip of your drink. "The only thing that man is good for is making a good ass drink."

"Damn, right." Eren agreed to the left of you as he took a swig of his drink.

"Why are you following me." You glared at him.

He raised a playful eyebrow at you and smiled as he took another sip. "I'm not? I just also wanted a drink. Is that a problem?"

"Whatever." You grumbled downing the rest of you drink and then set it down. "Reiner, another."

"No, please?" He gave you a teasing smile as he grabbed your glass and poured you another drink.

"Please." You begrudingly said, looking up at him.

He laughed and shook his head. "You are so lucky you're cute, you know that?"

You grimaced at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He shrugged you off.

"Let me get another." Eren slid his glass to Reiner with a little force. It seemed almost intended as the glass clattered against the wooden bar. It caught the attention of some bystanders as Eren gave him a bit of a glare before smiling at him. "Please."

A small frustrated sigh emitted from the blonde's lips as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, boy." He muttered to himself as he prepare another round for him.

Maybe, you were just imagining it, but Eren seemed almost jealous? That had to be something you were simply imagining. Eren getting jealous over you? Impossible.

As Reiner handed him his drink and Eren took a swing, Sasha knocked into him giggling with Niccolo causing Eren to nearly drop his whole drink.

"Oops!" She continued to giggle as she clung to Niccolo's arm. They were a sloppy drunken pair.

You three shared a laugh as you watched Niccolo struggle to pick Sasha up, so instead she pulled him down forcefully to the sand.

"They are so cute." You cooed observing them. They were now started to build a sandcastle that you knew was probably going to turn into some sort of food item.

"Yeah, sometimes I wish I could have something like that." Eren looked fondly at them.

"You're literally always talking up girls any chance you get." You scoffed getting to the bottom of you drink.

"Am I?"

"Yes."

"Do you always find yourself watching me on campus talking to other girls?"

You were about to sneer at him until you got a good look at his face. He was giving you that look. A look you could only wish he would give you in bed when you found yourself "thinking" about him when you couldn't sleep at night. Yes, yes. Your whole bit was hating him, but honestly you couldn't deny that he was unmistakenly hot.

Reiner eyed the two of you before walking away very slowly and you only stayed silent as you sipped at your drink.

Shit, what do you even say that? Yes, I fucking stare at you every time you enter my line of vision? How, pathetic.

Just then you heard Eren's stomach grumble rather harshly and his face contorted in discomfort as rushed to what you could only assume was the bathroom. But as he practically parkoured off his seat you noticed that something fell out of his pocket. You had to hold yourself together because you were laughing your ass off picking it up before your mirth died down completely.

"Oh my, God." You murmured to yourself as you picked up the little charm. You held your breath as you examined the clay bear holding a pink heart that was attached to the original keychain you put it on. You turned it on its bottom and noticed that your initial was still carved into it. "Why the fuck does he have this?"

You swallowed your saliva as you trudged over to the public bathrooms that Eren was definitely currently situated at taking what was probably the most excuriating dump ever. You could only imagine what he had eaten.

You tapped your foot as you could only stare at the charm.

"Hey." You heard his voice behind you and you turned around quickly to see him a bit disheveled, but nonetheless still irresistble. You felt your heart beat out of chest as he peered down to what you were holding in his hand and his mouth dropped.

"Oh my, God. Where did you find that?" He gently plucked it out of your fingers.

"It dropped out of your pocket, I think." You muttered as you watched his eyes twinkle from just looking at it.

"I was looking for this everywhere. I thought I lost it yesterday on campus when I was talking to you guys." The smile on his face was evident. "Thank you. I really thought this thing was gone forever."

"Why do you still have that?"

His smile dropped as he gazed over at you and he felt his face becoming hot. "I--umm."

Your eyes demanded an answer and you were not going to leave until he gave it to you.

"Is it okay if we talk by the water and not the bathrooms. It kinda stinks." He murmured feeling exposed as he fidgeted with the bear charm.

"Okay."

You two quietly walked over to the shore and you sat down on the sand and he followed. He took a deep breath as he played with the charm before putting it back on his lanyard.

"That day when I found the charm in our sophmore year of high school," He paused for a moment smiling down at it. "I was really excited. I saw your initials at the bottom of the bear and I was so happy because I thought you liked me back."

You stiffened for a moment remembering how you had slipped it into his locker early in the day so that he could come by his locker to see it later.

"But then, one of the girls from our class, Kiko, she told me that she actually made it for me. And that she really liked me a lot and then..."

"..And then what?"

He peered over at you to see that you were staring into the ocean and then looked back down to his fingers. "And than Connie, Jean and Sasha told me the next day that it was actually you who made it, but...but I felt like it was too late to say anything. I convinced myself that they weren't your initials and it was just some sort of fluke. So...so I didn't confront you about it and now you hate me..."

"Idiot." You shook your head laughing. "I don't hate you."

You finally looked over at him smiling and he felt warm inside looking at you with wide beautiful teal hues. Tears pricked at your eyes and you turned away. His laugh was like music to your ears. "Why are you crying?"

His hand cupped the side of your face and tucked a loose strand behind your ear and you felt warm and fuzzy inside. "Because you should've told me."

"Well, I'm telling you now. I really," He grabbed your hand and squeezed it. "really like you [name]."

You sniffled and gazed up at him with glistening eyes. "Still?"

He nodded and smiled at you."Still."

"Then kiss me." You said and his grin grew as leaned down to press his soft, plush lips against your own and raked his hands through your hair.

"Fucking finally!" You heard Jean shout from behind you as he raised his arms in the air causing everyone to look at you two.

"Fuck yeah!!" Connie joined him and soon all of your friends began to cheer (and then everyone clapped LMFAO jk).

The both of you suddenly felt shy as your face warmed. Eren's cheeks were flustered red against his perfectly tanned cheekbones.

"Guess, they know you don't hate me anymore." He tried to laugh off the awkwardness.

You hid your face between your legs as Eren laughed at you pulling you to his chest and enveloping you in his arms.

"I'm never gonna hear the end of this!"

[nikstersss]

Par-Baked Thought #1

Wala akong maisip na post title.

__________________________

Being able to accomplish things under seemingly more difficult circumstances does not give you the right to invalidate the struggles of someone who is going through the same, but is not achieving the same results as you. Invalidating struggle means invalidating progress. 

Your achievements are yours. How you got there are your testimonies to your capabilities. You have every right to be proud of yourself. Great performances ought to be celebrated, after all. However, they should not be used as standards for others. Do they make you better? Perhaps, to a certain measure. I think it depends on what you’re weighing it up against: skills, awards, relationships, finances, health, etc. “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

Our situations aren’t false dichotomies; nothing is always black and white. Similarities and generalities exist, of course. We would lose all objectivity without them. However, we sometimes fail to look into the different nuances that have compounding effects on the whole performance of the individual. I applaud you if you were able to handle heavier workloads or if you had it much harder during your time and still survived. Were those the baseline standards? Perhaps you were really good then. But who sets these standards anyway? If so many think they’re so unfair or even inhumane, maybe it’s because they are? Are the circumstances then the same now? Or do I really just belong to a generation of whiner-babies? Or am I unconsciously gaslighting myself into thinking that because of the status quo for so long? “That’s how it has always been.” So even if you see that there’s a better way to do it, you won’t bother to change? 

This is also starting to look like an argument on a means to an end. You ultimately judge based on the results, but what about the experiences that led to that outcome? And I guess it also depends on who’s looking, as well. A performance board, a criminal court, a class report—versus someone doing a self-assessment. I think it’s different when you say that one should be used as an example versus when one should be used as a standard. It’s truly a difficult matter to be objective about when so many factors can be considered subjective. 

I do not like mediocrity. I do not tolerate toxicity either. There is a fine line between tough love and bullying. One develops motivation; the other, fear. Both may achieve the same results on the surface, but they differ greatly underneath. Motivation establishes a strong foundation that will support you when things shake you up; fear feels more like a haphazard construction that could crumble any time. Being the bare minimum is okay because according to the set standards, you’re up to par. But you don’t have to stop there either, especially if you know you could be more. And it’s this desire for improvement that should be nurtured. Nurtured, not forced. 

Growth takes time, effort, and patience. There’s a right way to get there, but the right way is not necessarily the same path for everyone. However, trust that all these paths eventually lead to your destination. 

__________________________

Thoughts inspired by this Twitter thread.

What pink says is true. These are very real reasons why I’m having apprehensions about going into training myself. Of course, nothing is easy. Calling it difficult would be an understatement. That’s expected. Suffer, if we must, but let us suffer with dignity. There’s got to be a way to make adjusting to that kind of life easier. Some may thrive in the toxicity, but others falter. It’s honestly quite disheartening to see that even if you may have the smarts, the attitude, and the grit, but sometimes things can still become overwhelming. I’m not going to go into the nitty gritty details of it anymore, but anyone familiar with medical training knows that this is indeed a systemic problem. True, not everyone recognizes that it’s there. Others even deny that a problem exists. Some just don’t care anymore. 

But, to be honest, I don’t think blue is totally in the wrong either. I just don’t like the condescending tone with which it was delivered (especially after seeing all the other tweets and receipts, hahaha gotta love twitter for this). Perhaps coming from such a triumphant place of overcoming all those challenges, the responses could have been meant for dispelling pink’s negative notions about residency. Could have actually convinced someone to go into training, but instead sounded rather arrogant. The initial intention may have been good and not really to invalidate anyone’s struggles, but there was a problem in the communication or idk maybe not and blue was just being an ass lol. 

Anyway, those are just my opinions on the matter. Your thoughts? 

[illdesigns]

1 & 20 for hammertooth, 31 & 40 for magcharles? :3c

hammertewth

1. How do they fall asleep? Wake up? Any daily rituals?

falling asleep usually violently flip flops between “who is exhausted and who is now suddenly hit with a bout of insomnia” with the only difference being that magnus will sequester himself on the sofa and watch tv while toki stays in bed flip flopping around and very audibly laughing at memes on his phone. but no matter whether he falls asleep at nine or three, toki is up early in the morning with boundless energy which aggravates “please let me sleep in it’s only nine” magnus to no avail. but they do always try and have breakfast together if they can help it c:

20. What does their home look like? Their room?

ooh, i’ve not put much thought about them cohabitating together for any long period of time :0 i feel like that would have to be something that is...far away from mordhaus. and a very weird split difference between “man who has spent last decade living in a gigantic mansion that flies” and “man who has spent last decade living out of his van.” so their house wouldn’t be majorly flashy size-wise but it would have those like useless samsung smart fridges and shit. but it’s cozy!

magcharl

31. Do they finish each other’s sentences? Pick up any phrases or habits from each other? Know when the other is hiding something?

magnus used to just sit and stare off if he got distracted or was word searching. but then, one night, he let out a very quiet “ah” in the middle of his sentence and immediately felt something change in his body forever.

charles, conversely, ended up with a heavier smoking habit. he was more of a “social” smoker before spending time with magnus, but after spending a lot of time with a chainsmoker who kept going “u want one lol” it sort of happened. but he does still stick with short menthols, versus magnus’ preferred cigarettes which are full flavored 100s.

40. Any special memories? Do they have a special place they like to go to?

well, special memories may be expounded on in a certain fic so :)

[bigskydreaming]

TFW you realize you relate more to a fave character than you ever actually consciously realized, lmao. 

So I was just having a remote therapy session, and we were focusing on just some mental pain management techniques since my stupid metabolism makes most pain meds largely useless and my head has been waging all out warfare on me for the past week and a half, lololol. And we were delving into one of my personal fave rants, which is the fact that so many people - including vaunted medical professionals - just fundamentally don’t seem to get that having a high pain tolerance does not mean you don’t like, FEEL pain unless its really a lot or intense. Its just that you’re hard-wired/trained/geared via stuff like an abusive childhood, lol, to not SHOW or DISPLAY any visible or audible pain cues unless the pain reaches a certain high threshold where its impossible to hold them back.

But particularly over the past four or five years, with my ongoing medical shit, its super obnoxious trying to get your doctors to display a sense of urgency about your condition because they’re just fundamentally not grasping the degree of chronic pain you’re dealing with every day, since, y’know....I can literally be sitting there in the doctor’s chair and conversationally talking about the fact that no, I definitely am currently feeling like, an eight or nine out of ten on the pain scale, please don’t be confused by the fact that I’m literally LOLing as I describe this to you rather than gasping and moaning in a more obvious indication of it. 

Its like, I’m not TRYING to undersell it or anything, its just, when you grow up since the time you’re like five or six years old, knowing damn well that the only appropriate response to someone asking ‘oh am I hurting you’ that won’t earn you MORE pain is a completely casual or cavalier sounding ‘nope, I’m fine, all good here, no problems.’......like, at a certain point in your development, that becomes pretty hard-wired in, like, you can’t shake it just because you consciously WANT to. (Though it is one of the things I’m trying to unlearn and ‘rewire’ in therapy now, via EMDR techniques aimed at like, literally reprogramming my nervous system and how I react to various stimuli. Its.....slow progress, lmao, but I mean there is some progress so its all good).

But point being, when you’re a physically abused kid and your physical abuser doesn’t want to believe or accept that they’re hurting you, and so they tended to just get angrier and MORE dangerous if they thought you were indicating or even just ‘implying’ that they were in fact hurting you.....you get pretty damn good at not showing even the slightest hint of pain or distress unless its literally a level you’ve never experienced before and thus have no practical experience in hiding or distracting yourself from.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t FEEL every bit of it. It doesn’t mean you’ve found a magical off-switch that means you can just mind-over-body yourself from acknowledging or being aware that you are in fact in a shit ton of pain. You just.....have learned the importance of masking it, and found ways to do that by necessity.

Except, even much later in life when you are in a safe place or more control of your situations or surroundings, there’s no easy way to just....stop putting that mask on by default, the second you’re experiencing any type of pain. And so even when dealing with medical professionals, too many of them just don’t GET that their vaunted ‘tell me how much pain you’re in from one to ten’ scale isn’t really the be-all and end-all of pain measurement, because its subjective and arbitrary as HELLLLLLLLL.....and one of the defining parameters for what that pain scale looks like and feels like for YOU, is....your personal history with pain and how you’re ‘comfortable’ displaying evidence of it. (And I know there’s a ton of people and even groups of people who can relate to this for entirely different reasons, I just can only speak to my own of course). 

But its definitely frustrating and invalidating as hell to be in more pain than many people ever experience in their lives, and TRYING to convey that as openly and honestly as you can.....and literally being able to SEE the doubt and dismissal in doctors’ eyes, because all they’re seeing is the visual cues you’re putting out there and which they equate to ‘can’t possibly be in THAT much pain, not if he’s acting this casual about it’.....

And so the frustrating irony is that you end up dismissed as like, a pain ‘lightweight’ who is complaining about an apparent degree of pain that’s barely anything in their ‘professional’ estimation. And thus they’re disinclined to take your requests for heavier or more effective pain medication seriously, or not impressed by your attempts to imbue a greater sense of urgency in their approach to your treatment plan or procedures, etc......when in reality, the only reason you’re showing those cues of not being in that much pain is because you’re MORE used to and familiar with even extremely high degrees of pain than anything a lot of them are accustomed to.

Its invalidating as hell, being treated as though you have no idea what you’re talking about when you say “I am actually in a shit ton of active, ongoing pain, hey thanks, can we maybe do something about this,” when actually, the disconnect comes from you having MORE experience with MORE pain than some of them can even fathom. You just....also have more experience with reasons not to SHOW that pain, if its at all avoidable to any degree whatsoever.

THAT’S what high pain tolerance actually means, and the sheer volume of medical professionals who just flat out don’t get this, or worse, just don’t care or are too proud to reassess their viewpoints on this matter if that carries the implication they don’t actually know as much as they think they do......god, it grates.

(Once, when I was around twenty-three or twenty-four I think, I got caught up in the periphery of a bar fight that resulted in me getting a shard of glass embedded in the back of my forearm. Still have a pretty sizable scar from it. And it absolutely hurt like fuck, but I was conscious as paramedics arrived on scene and when going to the hospital to have it removed and stitched up, and like......kinda cracking jokes about it the whole time because I was uncomfortable as hell and didn’t really know what else to do or how to react, y’know? I mean, I had a few inches of glasses jutting out from the top of my forearm, lol, what the hell are you supposed to do or say about that? There’s not really a protocol, lmao. Problem was, they took one look at me sitting there with this spear of glass sticking out of my arm and making dumb jokes about it like it was no big deal......and they decided this meant I was in shock and kept trying to treat me accordingly. And it was just like.....useless, because lol no I wasn’t in shock, I had none of the physical symptoms of being in shock and benefited from none of their assumptions that I was.....I was just a dude with a shard of glass in his arm that hurt like fuck and I really wanted it out as soon as possible, and I was in full awareness of what had happened and everything I was feeling, I just didn’t know how to convey this in a way that they would believe, because I couldn’t come up with anything to say or do other than laugh about how fucking surreal the whole situation was.)

Anyway, so circling back to the point, or as much of one as I ever have, so today I was just learning and practicing various mental pain management/coping techniques with my therapist and discussing my issues with doctors and the High Pain Tolerance Quandary. Basically like, I would really truly like to know or learn how to display the ‘expected’ physical and visual/audio cues for being a person who is experiencing a ‘4′ on the pain scale, versus a person who is experiencing a ‘7′ or a ‘10′.....so they can stop fucking treating me like I’m only at a 4 when I’m actually at an 8 or 9, just because I look and sound like a person who really is only at a 4 no matter what they actually CLAIM to be feeling.

Course, easier said than done.

But yeah, so as she was coaching me through various techniques and surveying what I was doing with my body and facial expressions and cues, etc, she pointed out something that I had literally never noticed about myself before, even though once she DID point it out I could recognize that its something I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember, well back before I was ten and no doubt stemming from smack dab in the midst of the worst of my childhood abuse.

So, y’know on Teen Wolf, how Scott and Liam and various others are at times shown digging their claws into their palms and drawing blood to ground themselves with the pain? (And ironically, how I was just talking the other week about photo doubling for a similar such scene with gashes in the character’s palms, lmfao). Well, obviously I don’t have claws, and part of why I’d never really paid much attention to when I was doing it is because even my therapist wasn’t comfortable classifying it as a kind of self-harm or anywhere near punitive enough to carry that kind of weight or associations.....

But like, I’ve always kept my fingernails fairly trimmed but not completely. Like, just enough of an edge to them that at times, particularly when I’m in physical pain or distress already, I’ll just like....dig my fingernails into the pad of other fingertips, and use that little familiar spike of pain to not ground myself but rather distract myself from whatever else I was feeling. Like, she wasn’t comfortable calling it a self-punitive technique because as we got into it, it was clear I was never doing it to CAUSE myself pain....rather, its something I only do when I’m already in pain, usually far more pain than anything that brings up.....but by deliberately doing that and creating a focal awareness around it, even just a largely subconscious one......I’ve apparently long been using that to hook my attention up to a very specific, very manageable sensation/focal point of pain that lets me and my ADHD brain relegate whatever other pain I’m feeling (even if its much much worse) to the back of my mind for at least a little while, as I distract myself by focusing on this more obvious and consciously directed bit of lesser pain. 

And a big part of why I probably never noticed I was doing this, we eventually concluded, is because as a kid I probably came up with it as a kind of survival technique specifically BECAUSE it was something I could do to distract myself/manage my pain covertly, without drawing my abuser’s attention to what I was doing either. And by extension, without the fact that I was doing it at all 'betraying’ that I was in pain or trying to manage or cope with painful sensations in the first place. A lot of other pain management techniques, like even just deep, deliberate breaths, tend to be a lot more obvious and noticeable, and thus would have been counter-productive for my specific purposes. No matter how much they helped me manage whatever physical pain I was feeling, they would have at the same time inevitably drawn attention to the fact that I was trying to do that at all in the first place....and thus only invite more pain. 

Merely digging my fingernails into my fingertip pads, not enough to draw blood or make me cry out or anything like that, but rather just to distract myself and deliberately focus me on a source of pain I could deal with and more easily handle, as well as being ‘low in intensity’ enough that focusing on it didn’t bring any other obvious visual or audio pain cues to the forefront.....that I could do without anyone noticing. And thus this is likely why it came to be my go-to move whenever I was in any kind of pain at all, as just a quick and easy way to wrap my head around my physical sensations and shift focus to something more easily dealt with or managed (even if it didn’t actually dismiss or get rid of whatever other pain I’m feeling entirely). And just the low-key nature of it in general likely being a big part of why it became such an unconscious instinct for me until now, something that barely even registered in my conscious mind as I built up/hard-wired instinctive responses that incorporated it without me having to consciously direct myself to do that.

I mean, its still obviously not an ideal response, especially when I’m long past being stuck in any kind of external situations or need to fall back on that and the covert nature of it. So now its another of those things to just be aware of and work on rewiring on an instinctive level, making it a priority for me to focus on consciously using more helpful and positive methods of pain management.

But it was just interesting to me to have it pointed out as something I’ve been doing all this time, let alone being as unaware of doing it as I’ve apparently been. And its not hard to draw obvious parallels to when characters in media I consume do similar things even if for not quite the same reasons or in quite the same ways. So now I’m just kinda contemplating that and wondering how much even just some degree of unconscious awareness that I do that might have made me more alert to when characters or other people do similar things. Made me more attuned to noticing or even fixating on moments when they do things like that, that I related to even on an entirely subconscious level.

*Shrugs* Anyway, that’s all, like, literally not going anywhere with this, was just unwinding and felt like mapping my way through that all contemplatively, because oh no, inexplicable strangeness, therapy puts me in particularly contemplative headspaces, whodathunkit, lmfao. *Shrugs* Just struck me as particularly interesting, so felt like sharing for anyone else who can relate/see similar parallels themselves.

Or just chalk it up to random anecdotal wtf-ery from your friendly (err, mostly. okay sometimes. FINE ideally, let’s go with that) neighborhood over-sharer. 

[lovingempress]

Do other people also think in terms of color and high/lows? But like- high/low in terms of musically?

Like, when you sing with your head voice versus your chest voice, there’s a difference right? Because when you sing with your head voice it’s high and happy and light and fluttery. And that light feeling is like a fuwafuwa in your head, all floaty and sparkly and just a general happy association for me? Also sometimes a lack of oxygen like when you sing and you run out of air? Something like that, I guess, is the best way I can currently put it.

But then, your chest voice is more stable, less likely to move, more of a minor than a major (musical term wise) but not depressive? Like the difference between Dark and Evil, as a simile, is to the difference between deep and sad. Because deep can be happy and joyous and isn’t always for sad things and can have a lot of power to it without being depressive... if that makes sense? And like, so back to feelings and thought associations, the heavier feelings are more like lows and voices sung from the chest, vibrating and thrumming, and maybe sometimes roaring.

Which all seems normal right? But then apparently it’s weird to look at objects and colors and associate it like that? Like, pink is a happy color to me, very light and high voice (and I feel that “highness”, like a pressure in my head but more up high like the scalp I guess?), and a lot of the things that make me happy are also in that pink/high zone of happiness? Like, ooo flower! And then that high feeling in my head goes whoosh and like-

For me- happy things are thought of in Major key, with a lightheadedness and a floaty brain, and things that evoke emotions that’re less happy in Minor key, not always in the chest but sometimes in my head? Physically? Like, if happy is a feeling nearer to the scalp, sad is lower down the back of my head, sometimes down the throat to the chest? Which is so weird that it travels from back to front like that but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess lol.

Dislike is felt more in the cheeks and jaw, not in a frowny way but more of a tingling? Like when you gotta do something and your fingertips tingle ya know? Also, things that’re gross are mostly (because different levels = different colors/shades) thought of in Crayola olive green? Which is weird because olive green things can be a-okay in my book, and I even like olive oil and olives, but disgust is always associated with a Crayola Olive Green Crayon (yes the distinction matters- it’s gross) and it has to be the crayon. Not just the color, the c r a y o n

But yeah according to my mom apparently people don’t think in terms of color and sound and associations like that and I have to say that is so fascinating and yet so w e i r d to me. And, no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have synthesia, some things are just associated with certain colors despite what their reality may be and it just be like that sometimes haha

[katsidhe]

15.04 Final Thoughts

Supernatural is a character-driven narrative. Chuck, operating by fiat of plot-manipulation, has not yet realized this.

Wasn’t expecting Becky Redemption 2k19, but, well, I’m here for it. I’m honestly impressed with and happy for how she’s managed to turn herself around into a functional human being.  RIP.

Boy, Chuck and Lucifer really are relatives, huh? Looking to have their egos fluffed by inferior beings… what a mood. It’s interesting to compare and contrast how their (very similar) pathological needs for praise/worship/good PR end up manifesting. 

Sam hates bacon!! I love this. Part of it is his asceticism, to be sure—his careful knowledge about nitrates and saturated fat and the like. But when he spat out the offending mouthful, it was with a more intrinsic disgust. Dean doesn’t understand this aversion, systematically mocks it. It’s meant to be playful. It’s a dick move.   

More Sam things I really liked this episode: he’s Not In The Mood for the bullshit of mere mortals complaining about their suburban issues. 

And Sam doesn’t feel free. Of course he doesn’t. How could he? Dean says “we’re finally free” in the same damn paragraph that he says “we owe it to everyone [to do the job].” Like, even presuming Chuck’s actually gone (LOL), that’s not moving on. That’s the opposite of moving on—that’s an albatross much, much heavier than “God’s making us do this.” 

It’s so, SO chilling and honestly hilarious to me that an episode about parents protecting their child— an episode where Sam and Dean agree, apparently without any sense of irony, that they’d have laid down their own lives for Jack—ends with Dean shooting a kneeling teenager while Sam stands by.  It’s only four episodes later. It’s pretty funny.  

Character-driven versus plot-driven narratives: Chuck doesn’t deal in mind control. Chuck deals in mazes, not in remote steering. So, who put together a case where Sam and Dean would be faced with a young vampire? Chuck. And who’s in control when Dean pulls the trigger? Dean.

Who wins the s15 character development olympics: Becky, Amara, or Rowena? Discuss. 

[aquaminwrites]

Okay but I really need everyone to understand how much of a genius Kim Namjoon really is.

I was re-listening to Intro: Persona for the millionth time, and I noticed something. Pay attention to his delivery and his ad libs.

The song starts off with him rapping without really any additional backing vocal tracks. When he starts talking about how he’s fine but a little uncomfortable, and listing all the things that he’s accomplished, the ad libs sound like he’s a speaker addressing a crowd. The crowd seems interested in what he has to say, but his flow is a little faster, and in his delivery, it makes him sound hesitant.

When he starts talking about his shadow, that’s when the backing vocals start to come in. Only one additional vocal track, which starts to come in when he’s talking about how his shadow only appears when he’s on stage or in front of bright lights. And if you know about how Map of the Soul: Persona is based on Carl Jung’s philosophy of the self and its components (Persona, Ego, Shadow), you know that the shadow is "everything outside the light of consciousness and may be positive or negative. And the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” (Thank you wikipedia lol). And when he starts talking about his shadow taking over, the crowd, recognizing that it’s not a good thing in his case, goes, “Oh, shit!”

Namjoon’s hesitancy continues in the next verse, where he says:

Someone like me ain't good enough for music Someone like me ain't good enough for the truth Someone like me ain't good enough for a calling Someone like me ain't good enough to be a muse

The ad lib responses are “Yeah”, but the music starts to get louder, and his delivery starts to get more confident. The backing vocals come in a little more now, but still not too much. As he starts to question who he is, and the persona of RM starts to take over, the backing vocals become more prominent.

When he states “My name is R”, the beat changes. It’s heavier, more in-your-face, and his delivery is so different. RM raps with his chest, and every word is meant to sound like a slap in the face. The backing tracks are layered now with a really deep harmony track. I think I counted 3 or 4 vocal tracks being used from this point on.

If you listen to the ad libs from here on out, it’s just a bit of hype shouting, but nothing major. It’s buried in the mix more, not as loud or prominent as it was in the beginning. It’s almost as if RM has pushed away all his critics, taking centre stage and allowing no room for anyone to question who he is.

In Jungian philosophy, the persona is a mask that an individual wears and presents to the exterior world. It’s not the real version of yourself, and it can be dangerous to over-identify with the persona. Even the word itself, RM uses the word “Persona” as word play (Persona in Jungian philosophical terms, as well as emphasizing ‘Na’, which means ‘I’ in Korean)

Lyrically, he starts to answer his own questions from earlier in the song. But the way he’s doing it now is in this larger-than-life way because he’s identifying too much with his persona and he’s forgetting who he really is. And you can hear it at the end when all the music and all the backing vocals go away and he just says “...cry”. I think that’s meant to symbolize Namjoon realizing his persona is taking over, and that he mask isn’t truly him, no matter what good he believes he’s doing as RM.

The song isn’t just lyrically clever and it doesn’t just feed into the overall concept of the album. Namjoon is the concept of the album. Him versus his persona. And the fact that he structured the song and the sound to also reflect these ideas is pure fucking genius.

Keep an eye on Namjoon during this entire era. I think we’re going to see his facade of RM starting to crumble as we dive deeper into the Map of the Soul. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next albums were called Ego and Shadow. I’m loving this current happy, summery vibe that Persona as an album has right now, but I suspect things are going to get really dark really soon.

[dailyarturia]

Instead of just rating servants, what about a rating of the different Fate storylines?

oh now THIS I can do

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN. often called the most boring route which, I guess yeah because it’s the first route of the first game so it ends up being exposition central. it has its moments and it’s not bad per se but it hasn’t aged that well and the rest of the series has caught up with it since it’s not the entry point for new fans anymore so like half the route’s content and plot twists end up being stuff that is already known from other installments. I still think it’d be nice if ufotable made an ova or something just to complete the set, and also because heaven’s feel actually mirrors fate route on a lot of points so I feel the hf movies aren’t going to be at their best if you haven’t gone over fate route beforehand. if you skip over the outdated exposition you can easily fit all of it in ~10 episodes cause it’s pretty short. 6.5/10 if looked at on its own, but its importance as the base on which later routes build can’t be underestimated 

my personal favourite route even tho its heroine is the worst part of it. with fate route getting the exposition out of the way ubw can go at a faster pace and is more action oriented. the shirou-archer and related archer-lancer conflict is one of my favourites in all of fate and “here I come, king of heroes- do you have enough weapons in stock?” is ICONIC. rin got massively gimped as heroine cause nasu didn’t seem to dare actually letting her be flawed and shirou ended up too focused on his own conflict to form like a real bond with her but that’s a horse I beat to death long ago. the examination of what makes a hero is in general one of my fav themes in fate and ubw obviously delivers there but what I especially love in ubw is the theme of “don’t ‘welcome to the real world’ me asshole, the real world shouldn’t be like this”. 9/10 would be a 10 if rin had like, any character development

this one is... so stressful to read, which is GOOD cause that’s the point but that also means my reread is going at a pace of 3 scenes per 4 months. heaven’s feel throws every convention that fate and ubw set up out the goddamn window by immediately killing off like half the cast including powerhouses like gilgamesh and turning an ideological conflict into a really viscerally personal one. the final conflict isn’t a hero versus a world ending calamity, it’s a bunch of traumatised kids with bad blood between them and the rest of the world caught in the crossfire. “the embodiment of all the world’s evils was a victim” is a really powerful statement to make and where fate and ubw only really asked “what makes a hero” hf hammers in the corresponding question of “what makes a villain”. 8.5/10 it’s an incredibly strong thematic ending to the game as a whole but it’s just, not my favourite

jesus christ look what you did, you got me started. here’s a readmore to save your dashboard and rip mobile users cause I got some opinions on fate alright

this one fucking sucks if you look at it on its own it only works if you know fsn follows it otherwise its just DEATH DESPAIR PAIN SUFFERING yeah yeah we get it urobuchi. apparently he was going through a real bad depressive episode when he was asked to write zero and it was really cathartic to him to be able to write it as dark as he wants knowing that he can’t possibly ruin the happy ending of fsn so, I’ll give him that I guess. I thought it was the greatest shit when I first watched it cause uro’s really good at leveraging shock value but the flaws become more obvious with every rewatch. not really my favourite it’s mostly just asshole central and people who stan zero are usually insufferable but it’s got some good shit among the usual uro stuff. 7/10 PROVIDED you look at it in the context of fsn otherwise it’s like, a 5

BIG favourite and origin of my wife for life bazett fraga mcremitz. I read this one at the exact right time in my life to be absolutely destroyed by it. the whole game is based on the premise of ‘a second chance’ so it goes out if its way to go into the characters who got kinda shafted in fsn while also being the canon ‘everyone lives’ au. fsn has always underlined how valuable an ordinary life is that’s why we call it family dinner simulator 2004 but fha really hammers that one in. less outright action than fsn but a really strong and tense atmosphere. 9/10 would be a 10 if it weren’t for the fucking caren scene

basically revisits the themes from zero and stay night from a different angle but the cast is too large to really go into it so its clunky and a lot of characters end up sidelined. still it’s home to a lot of my favs and some of the coolest action in the whole series. I have a lot of apocrypha opinions but most of them boil down to who i want to hold hands with each other and how much I love sieg(fried) so I’ll spare you those. 7/10 thanks to shaky execution but if you take a shovel and make it that deep yourself it easily jumps up to 8 or even 9. don’t watch the anime I’m begging you.

the storyline actually suffers a lot from how linear and rigid the game structure is so its main selling point is hakuno and their bond with each of the 3 playable servants but by god does it deliver there. hakuno is one of my favourite protagonists of all time and it’s all in how they’re not going to take this shit lying down. it’s a game about forging bonds in a system designed to drive people apart and holding stubborn hope for the future. 9.5/10 the half point is as much acknowledgement of the game’s flaws as I am willing to give because we have decided to stan forever

lol what was that about linear structure? its like, super horny on main so it’s a hard sell but it basically turns everything I liked about extra up to 14. fate/extra CCC is a game about reaching out to others, how people are stronger together, how the future can be changed for the better as long as you are alive to see it, forming your own identity in the wake of trauma and learning who you are in relation to others as well as to your own past, healthy love and unhealthy love and recognising the difference between the two, and big fat anime titties. 10/10 i am not fucking kidding you if you can handle the horny CCC will be the best ride of your goddamn life.

look. i don’t want to get started on extella so just take the ratings. 8/10 concept 4/10 execution.

it’s incomprehensible garbage but it’s MY incomprehensible garbage 9/10 and 3/10 simultaneously

now we got some real mixed feelings on this bad boy here so I’ll try to keep it short. basically all the chapters up to and including london were mediocre at best with septem as the absolute peak of garbage. they actually said in interviews that they didn’t make a shift towards heavier story content until between london and america so that makes sense but it painfully shows. america camelot babylon salomon then exponentially increased in quality and were the fucking bomb. epic of remnant was a massively mixed bag thanks to all the guest writers with minimal supervision to buy nasu time to write lostbelt. lostbelt is fun again. the main story nowadays is really good quality because nasu is just doing what he does best and writing incomprehensible lore with a story around it but because of the game’s nature as mobile game that wants to make everyone appealing somehow it misses a lot of the visceral emotion that fsn had. events are often too silly even if they do end on a serious note and there’s not enough actual serious story content to balance it out so everyone kinda suffers from character erosion and I’m not sure if there’s an easy way to fix that, cause sure you can say ‘make nasu supervise it more’ but nasu’s always writing like 5 different things at once and he can’t really Do That. I think ultimately fgo has been good for fate as a whole in the story department and I also think a different direction/feel from earlier stuff isn’t bad in itself but the scale at which fgo works does seem like it’s beyond what nasu and co really expected to ever have to handle and so while the amount of successes has increased, the amount of failures has also become more glaring. 5/10 on the first few chapters, 8/10 on the later half of arc one and onwards, ???/10 overall, oh fate how I wish I could quit you (i don’t wish that i’m having a good time)

no