#venting a little cuz i feel pathetic rn

[asmoollcabininthewoods]

Ngl, this, I feel so pathetic today cuz I genuinely spent an entire day laying in bed, got nothing done and didn't even get to talk much, I wasted today entirely, and I feel so ass about it.

Kinda wish I had done my shit, kinda wish I had gone outside or cleaned my room, kinda wish I had done anything at all so I couldn't say I did nothing yk?

[asmoollcabininthewoods]

God, isn't it pathetic? Ain't I fucking pathetic?

I am still waiting for you to remember me, to miss me, to run to me saying that you wouldn't bear a single day without me, but you won't, you won't come back, you don't NEED me the way I NEED you, you don't miss me the way I miss you, you don't love me, the way I love you.

I wish you would, I wish you would come running, hoping I unblocked u, as I did, in the first hour after you broke up with me, hoping I still loved you, as I do, and always will, hoping we could just talk things out and go back to what we were. But we never will, because you are happy now, because you will be happier without me, because this is what you wanted.

God fucking dammit, I really wish I could be happy too, but for one of us to be happy, the other would have to choose to stay unhappy, and I'd rather it be me than you.

[an-theduckin]

Wait shit people might actually care about me

[rizzmin]

The things that are happening rn lmao

[asmoollcabininthewoods]

God I can't even do that without looking back at what we had

I can't even touch myself without feeling disgusting

What did you do to me?

time to masturbate to escape from reality

[hantenguswife]

Random rant/vent(?)

EVERYBODY STOP. I'M GOING CRAZY RN. I was just scrolling on twitter since I was looking for an artist to follow and saw that ufotable wanted to bless me with a new official art of hantengu??? HE LOOKS SO ADORABLE💗💗💋 It's the way his hiding from the sun under a little cave is so cute!! And doing his shaking and pathetic pose💗 I'm actually so happy that he's getting official art since that just means more rants, more pictures to put on my wall, and more reasons to draw and not get bored of him >_<!! (I'm never getting bored of him🔥) Official art hantengu literally gives me reason to stay alive. I'm not joking, (I think) it's very unhealthy but all my coping methods are unhealthy soo this one isn't as bad as the others. Hantengu official art >>> my drinking/sh problem. I love my man💋 I'm going to kiss that stupid ass bump on his head and give it a big squeeze. Also poking it for fun!! Not a very long rant but just wanted to rant a little since my hubby doesn't get that much art which is sad because I need it.

(This part of the rant is going to be little weird but ranting about my favourite character while venting is fun😋😋‼️)

Hantengu being my favourite character isn't really healthy for me. Idk why but almost every time I think about the bad things that have happened to me and when I'm crying about it, I will make my brain think that hantengu is comforting me. Oh, my ex cheated on me? While hantengu would do the same but I wouldn't be angry at him. I will let him continue cuz even though he cheated on me, he still loves me since he hasn't broken up with me!!

I may have been sa by a random guy and I can still feel his hands on my breasts but that's okay!! I'm just going to think and imagine that hantengu hands on my breasts which will make me forget about the guy and I won't feel disgusted since hantengu would never sa me!!

I hate my body and I wanna cut myself since I'm disappoint and a disgusting human being? Well hantengu would tell me that I am a disgusting human and I would believe him but I would still love him. He tells me continue to cut myself? I'm going to continue. Heck, I think he will even tell me to show my wrist as he sprinkle some salt on it😭

I need help but honestly, I don't want help. I will just feel like I'm going to exhaust anybody who tries to help me. Just let me fuck myself up🌚

[mr-bisk]

Fukkkkkk I want to spoil the surprises of my fics but i don't want to ruin them for who follows me on tumblr.... I guess fuk-ich, idk how to format a post, but it cant be that hard, am I Right!?

Spoilers and HC's under the cut:

Also TW: i can't continue w/o advising: if u got a cringe allergy, ingestion might block your throat. I don't want to kill anybody(yet) so maybe skip this one.

CW: Spoilers for the chapter amouts and last chapter; Transphobes DNI lol, I made all of them Queer and I'll die on this lane; Little Vents(more than one, kinda?); Mention of Fan-Childs.

First of all: The ending. The fanwork just will get 4 chaps cuz i can't drag stuff yet. To spoil the ending, Bill will have a panic attack upon not being able to avoid feeling queer at Josh's presence, gets a hold of his mother's whisky, drunkly and pathetically call Josh to come to his house and out of pity he will attend. They end up alone in Bill's room and end up kissing. It doesn't stop Josh from going to college, much for the opposite effect as he gets scared and confused, but plans to come back to Eltingville soon with a clearer mind.

Pete HC: 🅱️ete is transmasc, stealth-trans. His parents saw it coming from a young age and are actually supportive. They help him hide away his deadname and other stuff that would direct hate towards him. His dad loves having a male son that is interested in helping him with brute shit, although he doesn't endorse his interest in horror and nerd stuff, it is the exception.(also Jer knows his deadname as they are childhood frens.)

Jerry HC('s, theres A LOT of stuff): 1st, Jerry is transfem. 2nd, PeteJer is real. 3rd: I made BillJer virtually impossible timeline-wise bc Bill assumes himself as gay a little after Jer's Egg-Hatchin', also he has the fastest but most oblivios gaydar(maybe queer-dar, idk??) and never felt attracted to Jer.(also yeah, i hold a grudge for the flood of billjer we had when eltingville blew up. Like, Frrr? the whitest, most bland ship u cold think off got popular!?! No hate if u like it, theres loads of gr8 stuff under the umbrella, I'm just not kin.)

Vent: I still love eltingville, don't see the end off the brainstorm/interest flood on the horizon yet- ....Buuuuuut I can't hold myself from feeling like I'm making a disservice to the BillJosh tag. I just begun to write again and posted it on AO3 to prevent me from quitting, and The Damn™️, I feel like my work is meh at best. I'm a perfecctionist, and there are plans of it being re-written, so if u like it, hop in the future when i got enough EXP. and writing turned into a pleasure again.

Bacc to the fanfic. There will be at least 3 more projs. after I conclude this one: A continuation where Josh comes back to Eltingville to see Bill and ends up dragging him to Boston; A PeteJer bittersweet tale with two parts in which(as it is in my brain rn, change might come) mirrors the BillJosh plot, you'll have to wait to see; And a Jane-centered story BECAUSE I 💜 HER!!1!!

I.... Okay.... Last one. The cringiest and most personal yet: There will need to be a Miracle, a fucking change of heart of me to not put Fan-Childs at some point.... yeah. Look, I myself plan of becoming a Father/Ba irl and it pours in the way i see relationships. If thats a big ass No-Hell-No! to u, Maybe do not hop into the fishing line of my fanworks, because it is a big factor in the way i view it's development.

[sadistic-softie]

Today, I feel like venting cuz I'm fucking going through it rn.

When I was going through puberty and starting to develop sexual urges for the first time and so on, I was punished for experimenting with my body and not told why I was being punished, so I equated it to "pleasuring yourself = bad" but the urges didn't stop. They got worse and worse, and every time I was caught looking at NSFW artworks, reading erotica, writing/drawing etc, I was scolded and yelled at because I was only 12-17, and it just escalated from there, creating a cycle. Guilt, punishment, repression, indulgence, repeat. Now, here I am, having lost friendships because I can't get my head out of the gutter and all I ever think about is sex and kinks and I can never focus on them.

Yes, I KNOW it's not my fault, I haven't done anything wrong etc. and all the little sweet nothings therapists love to tell you. I still hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I feel like a disgusting, filthy, gross freak and I know I won't stop being sexual after this. I'm too pathetic to stop it from happening. I always fail. I always end up enjoying it too. And I can never escape the guilt and disgust. All the things my mother said to me as a child, I deserve now.

Everything she said's stuck in my head forever:

You're disgusting.

You're acting like a creep.

I don't even want to look at you.

I can't believe you're turned on right now. (While yelling at me for reading erotica)

What the fuck is wrong with you. (I had cut myself)

I told you to stop drawing shit like this. (NSFW fanart)

You'd better not fucking tell me that piss turns you on.

You promised you wouldn't pee yourself again. You're a fucking liar.

Do I need to send you to the military for you to stop? (She told recruiters I was interested behind my back and they contacted me)

I'm going to tell everyone about this. (She told a lot of people about an embarrassing, private moment)

You're going to tell your psychologist all about your piss fetish and everything that's been going on. No more fucking excuses. You tell them everything! (I did. The psychologist said it was normal for my age. I felt humiliated)

The worst one is the simplest one. I will never forget when she whipped me with a hand towel mid senence. She had never struck me before that point. I think I was 13 or 14?? It was so unexpected. I was already scared and after that, I didn't know what to do or say. I remember that before it happened, I was already shaking, sweating, crying, and had been being yelled at for some time. Her voice was so rough, painfully loud, threatening. It was just four words but I can never forget.

Don't be 💥Fucking💥 gross

[kokeggy]

my brain is filled with ouma and i cant stop it

i totally forgot the time man, its almost been 2 months since i played the game and it totally didnt feel like that at all

i still can recall a ton of things fluidly and as for now i dont see a particular reason to replay the game (other than wanting to get to know ouma better) 

but oumas character is just.. so tragic. i cant even begin to explain the depth of his character, it would be pages long and im way too lazy for that. ill always just write mental drafts and let myself feel when it comes to ouma

ill a cut here since its already a bit long rn lmao

and i think ouma is a character who is deeply troubled by his insecurities/possible mental illnesses (such as bpd or servere depression) in a way that these insecurities are his most memorable characteristics. that is absolutely sad and tragic

furthermore since the moment i started to play this game i always thought it was suspicious that ouma claimed he hated liars even tho he was one himself. sure that couldve been one of his lies, but my intention rlly didnt like this idea so i thought he was actually speaking the truth. i realized today that ouma was hinting at shuichi that he hated this persona that he had to create for the sake of this game

but i do agree that i sometimes tend to overthink ouma lmao while is incredibly intelligent, he couldnt have figured everything out, plus his trust issues and paranoia were in the way of looking into every possible situation. yet i somehow believed that he did a lot of stuff while being completely aware of their consequences - but thats not possible. ouma is not a superhuman who can figure out what happens to the world in [insert year]. hes a character with deep flaws which balances his cunning behavior 

to his actual personality, i might seem like the most biased person in the world but i truly believe that ouma didnt want to harm anyone. its just that the killing game... happened lol

as far as i can self-insert, i do believe if i happen to be in a killing game i would be quite similar about it. minus the creating a fake persona thing for me its absolutely impossible to trust 15 people whom i just met that they wouldnt kill me under stress. you know, if you activate the right buttons on someone, they can work how you want them to. and this is what feared ouma (rightly so)

anyways i take the anthologies as canon material since theyre approved and licensed by spike chunsoft, and we obviously see that ouma is nowhere near as antagonistic as he was in the game. although, i only have read the first anthology (also while we are at it, i cant wait to buy the thjree v3 anthologies even without knowing japanese, lulz)

but we also see his character actually getting darker and darker with each chapter, with chapter 4 probably taking the point. esp on when it ended. at first i was kind of conflicted about his oversentimal reaction towards gonta being executed, because that felt just as fake as his overly evil presentation afterwards. altho after some time thinking abt this, i came to the conclusion that he just leaked a little bit of his juicy true self(tm), realized that what he meant was actually genuine and then proceed to vent his emotions in making him seem like the most villainous person u ever met. because i think one of the reasons ouma acted out like is because he believed he was at fault for gontas death. so instead of trying to sweet talk yourself, he just took the oppurtunity to make him the least likeable person. cuz who would ever want to like someone who jokes about genuinely being concered about someone dying? yeah no one dude

also i think ouma is ironically a bit well-mannered (yeah guis im not joking here). ..  .if we ignore all his stupid pranks.. so you see, whenever i got rejected after dates with ouma in salmon mode.. it went like this for example “eeh, wow you are going to the libary with me and now you want to leave? that hella rude man, why am i wasting my time like this” or “wow you really must think highly of yourself if you think you are worth changing for, how arrogant”  which looks like he knows what is appropriate and what not

i remember what he said that and i suddenly went like “shit i cant believe im hearing this from you man” which was kinda funny as a side note btw

anyways, to his motive video. oh shit, his motive video . . . even without having known how messed up the translation was, that damaged me.-.. i mean i always thought that ouma exaggerated the size of his organization, at some poiint i just thought that his entire organization was a lie and his tru talent was the ultimate liar. which obsly wasnt the case lmao 

but his motive video.. just wanting to prank ppl for laughs and entertainment. its so light hearted compared to what he claimed it to be that it hurts another thing that i think is worth noting is that DICE was his motive video, not his family. DICE, who is like family. but not his actual family. what does that mean? does that mean that his actual family wasnt like family to ouma? i sure as hell thought so and i still do 

a different thing is that ouma said that nobody would care about him dying and that his organization would be better off without him, plus that it seems that monokuma said that ouma knows what happened to DICE in the motive video which leads me to.. uhh.. what if ouma did something he absolutely regretted doing (since it caused DICE trouble?) - but im not entire set on that theory

its also sad that he constantly had to hint about hiimself instead of just talking abt it to shuichi. like, he wanted shuichi to help him or actually even hinder him at carrying out his plan, he low key hoped for it because shuichi is a detective which showed to be shrewd enough to be able to make proper deductoins in class trials, furthermore he isnt a dick towards ouma and actually respects him in a way. something that ouma most likely didnt calculate

which mades the statement that shuichi said in the end of chapter 4 even more painful. shuichi was the only person that ouma kind of trusted and relied on. and prob the only one he wanted to show his true self to, that very person told him hes 5 ever alone with no friends at all. that hes a pathetic little brat who should start to view the world differently (def not what shuichi said 1:1 but.. yeah idk my own interpretation) 

im pretty sure that hurt ouma a lot 

hnnng, i truly wished for ouma to be one of the survivors. altho i figured that hes gonna plot something absolutely mind blowing in chapter 5, i seriously couldnt believe that he was actually dead... well, not until the closing argument. as soon as there were the words “closing argument” all over my screen i began to cry like an idiot. i couldnt even read properly man, thats just how blurry my vision was from all the tears

in other hand: i was (and still am lol) extremely attached to ouma and his death was very unsatisfying, since he died quite heroic but nobody considered him so. also he never made up with these ppl. also fuck kodaka

[asmoollcabininthewoods]

I want to cry so badly rn

I can't sleep bcuz of anxiety, I can't talk to you, and I feel so fucking bad. Ffs I just wish u were here, I just wish u were holding me n telling me things 'd be fine, I just wish u were holding my hands n telling me nice things

[asmoollcabininthewoods]

Y'all ever cry so hard it turns u on n now u r crying with a boner at a burger king table?

[asmoollcabininthewoods]

Damn bro, I loved today so much, I just wish it wouldn't end, I just wish I could loop today over and over, freeze this evening in time forever, just so I could feel that feeling forever. The day barely ended and here am I, bawling my eyes out over how much better it would be if it was just me and you, if it was already just the two of us

Fucking sake, I feel so selfish for thinking like this, to want to hold u forever in my arms, to want to never let go of you, to wish I could freeze the world and keep that moment alive, but damn it, how won't I? You make me feel like my whole life never happened, you make me forget completely about all the trouble, all the problems I have, and I just wish I could feel like that the whole time.

I am so lucky to have you, and I can't wait for the day it is just the two of us, the day I get to forget about all the pain and just feel the warmth embrace of your arms.