#vegetarian troll

[srhe203]

You know whats crazy is like 3 years ago my mom literally predicted Nikacado Avacado would do this like how did she know

[hauntingblue]

ACT 2 OVER LETSGOOOO

[artist-issues]

“At least it's not ferociously attacking God quite as directly as Steven Universe did…”

Not that I’m surprised by this statement, but can you elaborate on this? Kinda intrigued by your thoughts on Steven Universe.

Okie dokie, you’re not the only one who has asked me about this, so I suppose I’ll poke the hornet’s nest. 😅 I haven’t talked about this before because I assumed that everyone who wanted to hear my kinds of opinions on stories wasn’t watching or interested in Steven Universe.

It’s like asking vegetarian if they enjoyed a turkey dinner. The turkey dinner was so obviously not made for vegetarians to enjoy, so why would the vegetarian even bother analyzing the turkey?

But I think if some people are asking me why I think Steven Universe is anti-God (of the Bible) its because maybe they don’t know what the turkey is. Not completely. (Maybe not you, because like you said, you’re not surprised by my comment.) So I’ll explain my thoughts on Steven Universe.

If you’re just following me because you liked some stuff I posted, but didn’t realize that I’m a Bible-believing Christian and don’t want to hear about it, unfollow me now. Because I’m going to talk about some hot button issues here and the trolls will come out.

Steven Universe is really well-done. The jokes are funny, the writing is believable, the characters have great chemistry, great design, the concept is fascinating, the slow build-up and reveal of the plot elements is great. But when you watch the throne room scene in the last episode of Season 5 “Change Your Mind,” it’s alarmingly clear how much the whole show is not just settling for defending and championing the LGBTQ+ worldview—it goes all the way to attacking what Christians believe, on the other side.

Anything that’s pro-LGBTQ+ is doing that by default, but this show goes out of its way to do that.

You have to understand: God created and designed us. Deeper than that; He created and designed romantic relationships, and invented marriage. He didn’t just create love—He is love. So when humans come along and do what we’ve always done since the fall, and say, “I’d rather define what Your thing is and how it works for myself, God,” it’s not only an incredible slap in the face, it’s an attack on God’s actual identity—and it’s destructive for us and the people around us. Like a fish insisting it can breathe oxygen.

But Steven Universe goes beyond that. It knows that the Christian worldview is it’s biggest opposition. It digs right down to the heart of the worldview-battle. LGBTQ+ worldview says, “I should get to love what I want and be who I am, because I’m me. Love is love. (By which I mean, any action or relationship I choose to call love is love, because I’m the one calling it that.)”

Biblical worldview says “No, wait, you shouldn’t base your decisions on you alone; what you want changes day to day, and you’re broken, so you can’t ever be satisfied based on what you want—the Bible says God made you for something, and you rejected that, and it broke you. You’re not how you’re meant to be: even what you want and what you think love is is twisted up and can hurt you and others. But if you submit to God He’ll help you, He’ll fix what’s broken and give you new life by making you how you were supposed to be: He’ll live in you and through you.”

Are we beginning to get the picture?

See, the whole thing with the opposing views between LGBTQ+ and Christian people is as old as time. It’s not a new debate. It’s Satan and Eve in the garden. She says, “This is not how God said things should be,” and Satan says, “Are you sure that’s what He said? He knows if you do this thing, you’ll be like Him. You’ll be god: you’ll get to decide ‘how things should be’ for yourself.”

He lied and said that disobedience would satisfy her. That she knew what her own heart needed better than the God that made it did. That the very act of being imperfect would make her godlike.

And then Steven Universe comes along and says “if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hotdogs.”

And has a cast of created being characters who’s imperfections (Garnet’s forbidden “love,” Pearl’s obsession, Amethyst’s insecurity) are supposedly “the best thing about them; what makes them who they are.”

And has a main character who used to be a part of the god-like creator relationship, but used her power to come down to earth and completely change who she is into a fully different person.

And has a godlike Creator character who claims she “doesn’t need” her created beings (just like the God of the Bible) but they all have a little part of their creator in them so she has to repress their imperfections; she holds them all to a standard that’s impossible to reach called “perfection” and punishes them when they don’t meet it even though it hurts them to try; she expects them all to do what they were created by her for; she fixes them when they can’t meet her standard by shining her light through them and making them extensions of their Creator.

And has a main character who argues, fights back, tries to stop her, and is answered with lines that sound surprisingly like what LGBTQ+ people hear when Christians argue with them: “you’re only making things worse; you’re just deceiving yourself; even while you resist it your actual light can’t help shining through,” etc.

White Diamond just wants everything to be perfect. Like her. She just wants her created beings to “be themselves.” But what she means is, be how she created them to be.

And she’s the bad guy. She’s playing God in this show, and Rebecca Sugar is saying, “If God is telling us that can only be happy by being perfect, as He is perfect, and doing what He created us to do, then He’s wrong. Our imperfections are what make us special—unique—individuals—free—and there is nobody who has the right to take that freedom away from us, not even out creator!”

And you know what?

If God were like White Diamond, like Rebecca Sugar believes Him to be, Steven Universe would be right.

But He is NOT.

God is not a dictator who forces us to conform to a standard of perfection and then smashes us when we don’t meet it. He is a King who made us perfect to begin with, and we rejected him, because He allowed us to do that. He knew that true love was love that had to be chosen, and He wanted us to love Him by choice, so he gave us the option. But Rebecca Sugar doesn’t understand—there was never “Choose God or Choose Yourself.” There was only, “Choose God or Choose Nothing.” There was nothing except God. Then He created everything. There is no version of reality where you have something better than God, or even slightly less good but different, to pick. You’re not jumping from one ship into a smaller one, but at least it’s yours—you’re jumping from one ship into a void, and then complaining that there’s no other ship. That’s humans. That’s not God. / White Diamond didn’t make her creations perfect (Amethyst) and she didn’t make them for love. She made them for power. That’s not the God of the Bible.

Even when we did choose to try and love ourselves instead of God, and therefore warped our ability to perfectly love at all, He didn’t smash us. True, everything fell and was cursed, which is exactly what He warned us would happen if we chose it, but it was a natural consequence of breaking ourselves. And then He didn’t leave us that way. He didn’t give up on us. And He certainly didn’t just zap us, snap His fingers, quick-fix it and turn us all into robots who are extensions of Him, who say they love Him but only because it’s His voice puppeting us to say it.

No. He came to us, chose to give up His life at the exact point on the timeline when Romans, masters in the art of slow, humiliating, torturous death, would be the ones to carry out His crucifixion, and saved us Himself. Through the sacrifice of His own life. And even then, we still have a choice. We get to choose to accept that incredible self-sacrifice when we don’t deserve it, and be given new life and a relationship with the Creator who knows us and loves us better than we can love ourselves or receive love from others—OR we can just keep stubbornly insisting that our slavery to the opposite of what God wants is somehow freedom, and our twisted versions of love are genuine, and we’re not broken, and die like that. Die broken creatures who lived their whole lives stomping their feet and screaming “I’m not a creature, I’m a god!”

White Diamond sacrifices nothing, because Rebecca Sugar doesn’t know the God of the Bible. She just knows her idea of Him. She’s never actually gotten to know Him. If she had, she’d learn how silly and twisted her idea is.

Because you know what, yeah, if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs. But people aren’t pork chops. And hot dogs have flavor (not better than pork chops) but they are awful for you.

Christians aren’t perfect cuts of meat with no individuality or flavor. Just because we all know and love the same God doesn’t mean we have no personalities. It just means we don’t think so freaking much about what we are, or who we get to be, or what we like and want. Jeez, what a self-centered, narcissistic, self-obsessed way to live. She plays Steven like he’s this wonder-child, innocent and full of heart, who encourages his friends to love and keep trying. But honestly?

This is very pretty animation but it’s not real. Steven looks happy hugging Steven but self-love doesn’t ultimately get you that.

That’s all based on the premise that what he’s encouraging them to do is actually good, and will make them happy, and will help them love better. And it just won’t. Not in real life. That’s not how any of this works. Self-love is just self-obsession. And that is a sure-fire way to hurt you, and everyone around you.

You’ll never be free by choosing to run to a worse master. You’ll never be satisfied with your crappy attempts at loving yourself, because you were made to be loved flawlessly and forever by someone who is Love Himself.

And choosing to identify with your imperfections doesn’t make you uniquely you. It just makes you exactly like every other human being marching in the same line since the Fall.

White Diamond’s not relational. She’s up high and distant. That’s not God. He made you to be in relationship with Him. He loves you, totally and perfectly, and He proved it by sacrificing for You.

So yeah. That’s the problem with Steven Universe. Come get me, SU fans.

[ayamari-no-goshi]

For reasons that I might not be able to explain, during a conversation @precarious-hermit has decided that Red Hood employees the following for his criminal empire. Mind you - this is for an AU! where Under the Red Hood never happens and the rest of the Bats are so confused as to what's going on. And Jason's living his best life not being discovered by them

Hoarders - Hoarders on speed dial to help hide various illegal things from the batfam. Jason knows some of them from the local knitting club

the teenage fanfic writer who has prophetic dreams and writes them in her fics. Jason has become her beta and will willing read through Batman/Two-Face fics in order to figure out what's going down next month

animal control - "RELEASE THE HEROIN RACCOONS!" Animal control has trained some of the local wildlife to help find and destroy certain illegal substances.

the MLM which specializes in essential oils - one of the oils is actually something of an antidote for Joker gas. Jason makes sure it's well stocked and tries to make sure no one who's gotten wrapped up in the MLM loses everything

The middle school army of online trolls that he pays a total of $120/month per kid.

The pizza place that delivers code via pepperoni pizza. Good news! For vegetarians and vegans, they'll work with mushrooms

cosplayers! (I added this one) - he enlists cosplayers to not only help with making armor but will also occasionally hire them as body doubles if the situation is not dangerous

[rottedsoulx]

HORIZONS AU

Me: I hate Breekoppy :angree:

Also me; But what if they kissed branch,,, :flushed:

more info under the cut

Anyways this is a Vampire & Werewolves AU unrelated to other media. It's a bit silly and dark at the same time so stick with me for this scattered explanation.

Creek is a vampire

Branch is a werewolf

Poppy is still a princess and she doesn't change (yet?)

Creek is the only vampire in the village. His coven was hunted down until he was the only survivor & he wanders out of sight until finding a village full of gullible, naive trolls. He survives mostly on the blood of livestock and, like in Adventure Time, he can drink the color red. It doesn't fill his appetite, and he very rarely drinks troll blood (despite its benefits he will not risk his survival just for a proper meal).

He gets by, by telling the pop trolls he is Vegan™. Despite the fact that pop trolls are by default vegetarian, or insectivorous at most & it wouldn't be hard for pop troll vegans to exist, he gets away with it because pop trolls don't have an understanding of what being vegan *is*.

This, in turn, pisses Branch off. Branch knows there's something off with Creek down to the way he smells. He immediately clocks Creek as something unnatural & eventually comes to the conclusion that Creek MUST be a vampire. He makes wooden stakes, drops rice on Creek, has an UNwelcome mat & tried to prove his guilt via garlic once.

This pisses CREEK off. Because he sees Branch as a hypocrite. The wultroll hasn't even claimed the small village as his pack. He can smell the dog on Branch & is constantly dropping hints that he knows Branch's secret too. When Branch continues trying to expose him, it's frustrating. Everyone thinks Branch is crazy why is he so determined to label him as a threat while risking his own safety within the village???

But this is a misunderstanding, you see.

... because Branch doesn't know he's a werewolf.

He's scruffy, and fluffier than other trolls. He's a growler but whispers from the village led him to believe it was because he was feral. Because he was grey. Because he hunted & trapped creatures like mice and puffalo.

He fully believes that he looks the way he does because he grew up grey. It was what people always said about him and he never had a better explanation. He dug a hole in the ground & slept in it. Fearful, he was almost never outside during night. He's aware he sleepwalks & the resulting mess makes him determined to sleep inside his bunker and his bunker only. He doesn't need to make the villagers more wary of him.

I like to think he only finds out after Creek makes the poly. Also after he learns that Creek actually IS a vampire and he was right! Branch is still shocked to see Creek very casually drinking the blood of a mouse he'd caught, and after that the misunderstandings are cleared up.

attached: pictures of discord messages relating to the au. Only mine tho bc I didn't ask any of the people I was bouncing off if I could post their words :sweats:

and below is after Branch asks if Creek is gonna tell Poppy that he's a vampire, and Creek asks if Branch is gonna tell her that he's a werewolf.

He'd be too scared to tell Poppy before he learned more about himself. He'd be worried about the origin of the curse & wouldn't really know why he's a wultrol or if he was born one or what, until he reunites with his brothers.

...I'll talk about them in a separate post in a few days. This has been a long one! If anyone read this far, HI!!!! Thank you.

P.S the garlic incident results in Creek getting rashes and Branch barfing bc dogs cannot eat garlic! They're both allergic.

[jkriordanverse]

Max hcsssssss bc she's the best

- she was an adventure time kid - Also a major Marvel nerd and had the biggest crush on Miles Morales when it first came out (cough cough Xander) - She's giving the best friend of MC who hides their pain with their laughter 100% - She definitely had trust issues with other relationships after what happened with her ex. - the type of person to open a cookbook, chooses a recipe, ditch the recipe and wonders why their result is not the same. - She had an embarassing old roblox phase - Used to talk solely in memes when she was younger (still does sometimes) - She's 100% the type of person to pretend not to speak English when she gets a ticket. - Used to want to be like Finneas and Ferb and did so many random shit in her backyard - Tried to go vegetarian as a kid because she saw this one movie about cannibals. - dressed up as a thug for Halloween with Xander (the one with the golden chains and the baggy pants and everything) - Used to troll and confused people so much bc she learned how to flip and climb trees as a child and everytime someone asked how she did that she'd flip her hair dramatically and go, "Oh, I'm Asian" like it explained everything. - Became friends with Avery bc when she first moved to their school she pretended not to speak English bc she thought the gestures Avery made trying to signal to her was funny. - used to submit her homework in thick Shakespearean (i did this so many times lmao) - when she was a kid she would tell the kids in kindergarten she was a princess/descendant of some Boba Dragon King and the kids treated her like royalty - acted like the lived in the jungle and her family were rice farmers at summer camp.

[ijustthinkhesneat]

Headcanons for which the source is I made it the fuck up

-Bruce Wayne is a stupid Himbo. Like he is a genius detective and engineer and hacker etc. But this man is dumb. When the cowl is off no thoughts head empty.

-Dick Grayson is also borderline brain dead. Like again yes genius detective, polyglot, icon, etc. But this man is running on a 2+2=fish operating system. He is a useless pansexual be patient with himmmmmm.

-Tim and Damian are lowkey spoiled brats. Like not in a bad way. I say it with love. But these two are the living embodiment of that Arrested Development meme about the price of a banana. They have no idea how money works.

-Dick and Jason had braces.

-Dick legit has never noticed he has a thing for red heads. He looks at Wally/kory and is just pretty red people make brain go brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

-Damian likes to be an annoying vegetarian at galas. He makes up dietary restrictions cause he knows these rich old farts will never research them.

-Tim legit thought Bruce was a serial killer even after he learned he was Batman.

-Duke is the glitter bomb gremlin and Prank Master

-He’s not normal he will sometimes make his eyes and mouth glow and stand in peoples doorways in the middle of the night.

-Cass wants pets but she travels too much so she shares a lizard with Damian and keeps a cat at Barbara’s apartment.

-Superman was Dick’s pansexual awakening

-Jason realized he was bi when he got nervous around the other street rat boys cause he wanted them to think he was pretty but he also wanted the girls to think he was cool.

-Tim knew he was trans like fresh out the womb the boy said “I seem to be missing a penis When will that be arriving?”

-Damian has been with Bruce since he was 4 and Tim started living with Bruce when he was 3 because the Drakes forgot him in their mansion and he wandered over to the Wayne estate.

-Alfred keeps a Polaroid of him, Thomas, Martha and baby Bruce hidden in his nightstand.

-Dick really likes the smell of lavender

-Jason is allergic to shellfish

-Damian once filled Duke’s closet with potatoes, the reason has never been discovered

-Duke picked up obnoxiously dancing around sweating from Dick. Bro says shot like that really puts a fly in my jam cause he knows it pisses everyone off. He is the ultimate troll.

-Cass once loosened every light bulb in the manor so they wouldn’t turn on and framed Tim because he wouldn’t share his coffee cake with her one time. Tim had to then replace every light bulb in the manor.

-Jason is slowly convincing his siblings about Dick’s scumbag era one grant photo and edgy diary entry at a time.

[cyancherub]

do you have any book recommendations for us :D

MAYBE SO.......!!!! u know i love talkin abt books!!!

well, ok since ive posted about most of the books ive been reading recently MAYBE i can also post about some that i ordered and am waiting to arrive??? because all of these sounded very interesting to me!!!

SO books i have coming in the mail:

surrealist novels:

the woman in the dunes by kobo abe

the hearing trumpet by leonora carrington

the melancholy of resistance by laszlo krasznahorkai:

the third policeman by flann o'brien

nadja by andre breton

(been really into surrealism lately if it isn't apparent. most excited for melancholy of resistance i think)

horror, gothic, etc:

bruges-la-morte by georges rodenbach

the damned (la-bas) by joris-karl huysmans

floating dragon by peter straub

classics, short stories, etc:

french decadent tales (oxford world's classics) by stephen romer

in watermelon sugar by richard brautigan

swann's way (in search of lost time, #1) by marcel proust

selected short stories by balzac

icefields by thomas wharton

some ive picked up recently & stoked to read:

ada, or ardor by nabokov (my most beloved author of all time)

carmilla by le fanu

nightmare alley by william lindsay gresham

a king alone by jean giono

twilight of the idols by nietzsche

transparent things by nabokov

dark water by koji suzuki

selected poems by jorge luis borges (also beloved)

trolled my goodreads for more recs

books ive read & enjoyed so far this year:

the iliac crest by cristina rivera garza

the tenant by roland topor (FAV!!! huge fav)

crimson labyrinth by yusuke kishi

pedro paramo by juan rulfo

carolina ghost woods by judy jordan

death in her hands by ottessa moshfegh

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera

in the lake of the woods by tim o'brien

disgrace by j m coetzee

goth by otsuichi

books i enjoyed from last year:

the lottery & other stories by shirley jackson

the vegetarian by han kang

rosemary's baby by ira levin

piercing by ryu murakami (an all time fav)

the bloody chamber by angela carter (fav)

starve acre by andrew michael hurley (also a fav)

the glassy, burning floor of hell by brian evenson

the devil's larder by jim crace

monstrilio by gerardo samano cordova

and as a bonus, literally anything by nabokov. i have a big book of his short fiction that ive been reading slowly for a long while. despair by him is my fav book of all time, hands down. he is a master of absurdism (and a master of every language he writes in).

ALSO!!!! if youre into poetry, anything and every single thing by: t.s. eliot, baudelaire, rimbaud, borges. i also love neruda's poetry but i have heard he was an awful man so keep that in mind

[smiting-finger]

[Director’s Commentary] a harmony between qin and se

As promised (to like two interested people lol), here’s my commentary to accompany a harmony between qin and se, some of which has been retrieved from discussions in the AO3 comments section.

CHAPTER 1

This being Wei Ying’s story, the first chapter is entirely an introduction to her. I’ll let the text mostly speak for itself, but some additional thoughts:

She is, first and foremost, a very unreliable narrator when it comes to  herself.

Despite what she says, as a direct equivalent to “number 4 most eligible bachelor in the Jianghu”, she is actually considered to be a solid choice for a daughter-in-law (mostly because of how well she’s managed to hide all her quirks from the public eye). She also has more than one young male admirer because she is, in fact, an attractive lady The main thing working against her is the circumstances of her birth and the related lack of connections/assets.

Auntie Yu and Uncle Jiang have received a few overtures from interested parties already, but they’re still using the excuse of “Eldest daughter must be married out first” while they figure out the quality of offer they can settle for (which admittedly does include consideration of the potential benefits to the Jiang family).

Her embroidery is fine, if you ignore the fact that she’s constantly embroidering unconventional patterns: Jiang Cheng has most certainly received more than one troll hebao, and there have also been many an embroidered flower or cloud pattern that bears a suspicious resemblance to something outrageous (no penises because Wei Ying is a Proper and Good Girl and has never seen one until the bedroom books, but almost certainly an unflattering caricature of Jin Zixuan’s face, and the occasional rude Chinese character - always with plausible deniability, of course).

Broadmindedness is for women who have become disillusioned with the mortal coil. Which is to say: Nuns. She takes another bite of meat: I’m not sure if I was right in assuming that it was common knowledge that Buddhist nuns are vegetarian, but if I wasn’t - Wei Ying is definitely Making a Statement here. (And also making a secondary reference to the Chinese use of "vegetarian" to mean someone who is easily bullied/taken advantage of, which Wei Ying is most certainly not.)

Girls of the era were sometimes educated at home by private tutors, and were also often educated by their older brothers.

We know that Wei Ying had a private tutor (whom she shared with Nie Huaisang), but I also think Jiang Cheng would have had an influence on her too, despite technically being younger.

Being afforded a much more formal and comprehensive education (despite being perhaps less suited for it), he would have shared all of his books and learnings with Wei Ying, and that is why she so often references martial arts/military writings and ideas (much more so than the Jiang Yanli of this universe would, being older) - a reflection of Jiang Cheng’s interests and their relationship as more-or-less-same-age-peers within a gendered family hierarchy.

On Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingjue, it bears saying that their upbringing and situation in life here is just as unconventional as Wei Ying’s, if not more so.

Whereas in the earlier Tang Dynasty, women often openly ran their own businesses, Song Dynasty society had become more restrictive in relation to women’s freedoms, so that had become a much rarer occurrence.

My rationale for Nie Mingjue bucking the trend is that her mother was a capable woman with no tolerance for harem politics, and so ruled the Nie household with an iron fist. When her health begins to decline, instead of risking the wellbeing of her household and single di daughter on the goodwill of the next-ranked concubine, she simply starts passing responsibilities directly to Nie Mingjue, who proves capable enough that her father starts giving her business-related tasks as well.

By the time Madam Nie dies, Nie Mingjue is acting mistress of the house and there is no room to argue that any of the responsibilities should be taken from her.

Nie Mingjue being the only child in the entire household, her father also thinks it makes sense to involve her in the family business, and he starts preparing to find a man to ru zhui (入贅) marry into their family, thanks to the (universal?) principle that wealthy people can largely afford to do whatever they want.

Then Nie Huaisang is born and her concubine mother dies in childbirth. Nie Mingjue, having inherited her mother’s distaste for harem politics and distrust for her father’s concubines, simply takes Nie Huaisang into her own courtyard and sees to her upbringing herself.

And then their father dies, Lan Xichen takes the opportunity to propose marriage to Nie Mingjue (ostensibly as an elegant way to lend her a man’s countenance and legal authority to run her business, but the successive pregnancies speak for themselves), Nie Mingjue accepts and then decides that the new Nie family heir will be Nie Huaisang and there is no one around to stop her.

There’s definitely social disapproval (e.g. Madam Jin’s “I know she’s always done things differently” in Ch 3), but not enough to matter. Because wealthy people can afford to do whatever they want..

Enter Lan Zhan (in spirit):

Some of the original professions I considered for him were physician and herbalist, but the thought of doing period-accurate traditional Chinese medicine research ended that dream within 2.5 seconds.

In today’s terms I see him as demisexual, but in Song Dynasty mindset, there is no “sexuality”; there is “stuff that I like” and “stuff that I gotta do”. So he’s fully committed to making it work for the sake of his duty to the family, but also his responsibility to provide his wife with a decent quality of life. (And he is particularly sensitive to the latter, having witnessed his mother’s experience.)

While he'd initially hoped to follow in his Uncle's footsteps and stay single for life, now that marriage is unavoidable, his attitude towards it is very similar to Wei Ying’s, in being “That's life, we gotta make the best of it.”

He doesn’t fully appreciate the extent of the problem, but:

To-date, he has had very minimal interaction with any sort of same-age friend or peer.

His brother does most if not all of his emotional processing for him, mostly by talking him through his thoughts and feelings. This started as the very-Chinese “explain to your child after every situation how courtesy and social mores preserve everyone’s feelings and Face”, and just … never stopped. Probably because Lan Zhan didn’t have peer-interaction to do the rest of the emotional educating.

CHAPTER 2

Again, while Wei Ying speaks for herself, some general notes:

The grip of his hand in hers is strong, if a little damp. Which means that her husband is either nervous or also sweating a river in three layers of robes: He is not nervous, only dutiful. It is 100% due to the layers of robes and the hot, hot sun.

Red wedding banners … which are disappointingly standard, with nary a tea pun in sight: When their sons get married in the distant future, there are SO MANY tea puns.

Her groom, she notes, has wiped his hand at some point. Which means that he’s either a thoughtful man, or a fastidious one. Or a man who has thoughtful and fastidious servants: Lan Zhan is absolutely the thoughtful and fastidious one.

“Why does the groom look so grim?” someone asks from somewhere to her right. “Maybe he’s been forced into the marriage,” comes the answer: That is just Lan Zhan’s face, he bears no particular resentment towards the arrangement of the marriage. He trusts that his uncle has made the best decision possible under the circumstances and certainly he thinks that it’s better than either of the other options.

Lan Zhan has never had wine before, so despite knowing that the Lan family doesn’t drink, he doesn’t actually know why. This is part of the reason why he drinks the toast (the other part being the social pressure that Wei Ying successfully employs).

When they have children, there are some that inherit the Lan constitution, and others who can drink two whole cups before also succumbing to the Lan constitution. Wei Ying is very sad about this, but concedes that they do come by it honestly.

Lan Zhan’s wedding night thoughts:

Not sure if it A) was a real thing, B) is a modern-sensibilities thing (like many Cdrama leads being committed to one wife), or C) is a "Complying with TV Codes Thing", but I've seen/read quite a few stories now where the husband chooses not to push for wedding night consummation because his new wife will be scared, stressed, tired, etc. This means that the couple spends a bit of time co-sleeping and getting used to each other before doing anything. I see Lan Zhan starting out along those lines, and his consideration would have been much appreciated if his wife had been someone like Jiang Yanli. Unfortunately it is 100% wasted on Wei Ying.

So he walks into the room with the noblest of intentions, is confronted with the shock of Wei Ying, and PANICS:

First there are the Lan vs Jiang family cultural differences, i.e.

The "We Are Always Decorous" Lan family vs the "Decorum when in public, at-home manners very different" Jiang family

Lan "I will only very gently try to negotiate your boundaries" Xichen vs ...Jiang Cheng/Yanli/Auntie Yu/Uncle Jiang, who are personal-boundary-chaotics in very different ways

Second, in terms of Lan Zhan’s general social experience:

He has one (1) friend, who is his brother and who is very emotionally considerate.

He has not interacted with a woman in an intimate/domestic setting since the death of his mother (excluding servants, but that’s different). His experience with women is probably limited to the branch family aunties, and maybe daughters of their social circle who he sees for two seconds from across the room, when everyone is on their best behaviour, and they never speak.

He has never interacted with any person alive like Wei Ying in any setting. She called him PRETTY and TO HIS FACE, she chases people, she has contraband goods, she has POCKETS-

Third, there is the additional layer of shock provided by the expectations Lan Zhan had of what “a new wife” would be like, which Wei Ying is … not.

She was going to be a shy, retiring maiden (I think the “unkidnappable” fact just did not compute and he just mentally shelved it).

And unlike Wei Ying, who had the whole breadth of her human experience as “possible range for how much of a fucking weirdo my husband might be”, it never occurs to Lan Zhan to be curious about her because his image of his future wife is pretty much a dress wearing a face and it hasn’t really occurred to him that she might have any personality - or UNREPRESSED personality -  beyond her role and his obligations towards her.

He had this idea of how he was going to be a Dutiful Husband (making sure his wife doesn't go hungry on the wedding night, making sure that her maidenly sensibilities are respected in negotiating bedroom activities, making sure that she maintains a comfortable position in the household, making sure that she gets the dishes she likes to eat even if he doesn't eat them).

Then they were gonna treat each other "with the respect accorded to honoured guests" (another Ye Olde Chinese Thing), and eventually become a peaceful, comfortable couple.

Almost none of it is going in the way that he'd planned and he doesn't have a Plan B because he DIDN'T KNOW PEOPLE COULD BE LIKE THIS.

And now HIS MAIDENLY SENSIBILITIES ARE BEING OFFENDED-

In regards to Lan Zhan’s Filial Procreative Duty:

It's not that he's unaware of it, but there's not as much urgency for him. He doesn't need a son to solidify his position in the household, his own brother has two sons already so the line isn't in danger and he can always adopt the second nephew as his heir, he knows that WY is only 17 whereas the average age of marriage at the time (according to the english-language internet) was 18-20 for women.

He does intend to try for a child with her eventually (for her sake), but HE JUST REALLY WANTS TO START BY BEING FRIENDS FIRST (*/ω＼*)

CHAPTER 3

On Lan Zhan’s side:

It goes without saying that after Lan Zhan flees his bedroom on the morning after the wedding, he heads straight to his brother for his regular dose of emotional processing.

Lan Xichen spends the entire conversation highly amused and trying to keep it hidden under a suitably sympathetic expression.

And then he gently-but-firmly forces Lan Zhan to go home, which Lan Zhan does mutinously

Upon their arrival home, Lan Zhan only stops briefly in his study before heading straight back out on business (or, as Wei Ying half-suspects: “business”): It is most certainly “business”. Lan Zhan is finding any excuse to avoid her because he does not know how to deal with her and he’s a little bit afraid of her (and the danger she poses to his chastity).

Lan Zhan says nothing to Lan Qiren because it is all too mortifying.

Lan Qiren, who still seems to vaguely disapprove of her, despite being the one to agree to this marriage in the first place: While he hears no specifics, Lan Qiren’s propriety-related spidey-senses are tingling nevertheless, and so he starts to observe Wei Ying with extreme suspicion.

Lan Xichen also finds this highly amusing.

Hence Wei Ying noticing that “There’s something about the curve of his eyes that means he always looks mildly amused…Wei Ying is not sure whether this is how Lan Xichen presents generally, or if it is something specific to her.“

(It’s definitely specific to her. He thinks she’s great for his brother and therefore great in general)

Otherwise, Lan Zhan actually does like Wei Ying, despite all of the shocking things about her (He just doesn’t know that this is what he’s feeling, since he’s never felt this way before :’D).

Also maybe he’s used to the people he likes expressing their affection for him via some level of teasing (his mother, to a lesser level his brother).

Lan Zhan is watching Wei Ying as closely as she’s watching him (or even more so) - enough to know that she’s smart, and that there’s more to her than the incompetent wife image she’s projecting (which is why he’s not interfering … beyond a certain extent).

Other notes:

Wei Ying herself is so fully focused on the branch family aunties and how far she needs to escalate to get them to make a move that she probably hasn't given two thoughts to thing else. So there's almost certainly a parallel Mianmian POV to this story that's filled with constant nail-biting about what everyone else thinks of her mistress and the possibility of Wei Ying escalating so hard that they won't be able to fully reverse the damage afterwards.

Secret tunnel + secret storage room: Wei Ying absolutely finds 193847548495 future uses for these after this story is done.

Babymaking is 100% a genuinely high-key concern for Wei Ying, since producing Lan Zhan’s heir is how she secures lifetime economic/social/etc security for herself (that said it is not the MOST urgent issue at this stage, since she first needs to ensure that there is a safe environment to bring the baby into).

(I am high-key channelling "The Promotion Record of a Crown Princess" and "Greetings Ninth Uncle", here. Dowager is very much the life goal for All Women - when it's not Revenge - as far as my own shameful background in consuming Chinese historical romances is concerned.)

In terms of inheritance (keeping in mind that I am far from an expert, and my main source is a lot of historical Cdramas and Cnovels):

There was some amount of flexibility in when to formally split a family and therefore its shared resources:

If there are enough resources to support a split, then a patriarch dying is a good opportunity for brothers to go their own ways without any negative social implications.

If there's a big enough falling out between brothers or between fathers and sons, then it might happen even while Dad's still around.

If you're collectively funding a scholar to get into government and bring a valuable political connection to the family, then maybe you stay together even after Dad is gone.

And the division of property (including property in common) wasn't automatically an "eldest son takes all" situation either.

For the Lan brothers in this story:

The formal economic rational for them not splitting the business yet is that they need the business to fund a government career (Lan Qiren and Lan-papa were intending to maintain a similar arrangement before Lan-papa prematurely died)

But the actual reason is probably Lan brotherly love :'>

The branch families inherited other things, or maybe a different branch of the business when Great-grandpapa Lan died, but then they fucked it! and had to come crawling back to Lan-papa for a lifeline.

Wei Ying knows enough going in (from Nie Huaisang and general gossip) that whenever the brothers finally split (maybe after proxy-dad Lan Qiren dies), Lan Zhan is walking away with a handsome part of the business. Now that she's seen them in close quarters, she knows that Lan Xichen might even cede all of it, at the end of a soppy and embarrassing "no, you!"-"no, you!" fight between the brothers

Rivalled only by the parallel fight between the Nie sisters about whose kids inherit the restaurant empire, and then Nie Huaisang declares her intention to stay a spinster and adopt Nie Mingjue's second son as the Nie heir and then it's chaos.

Or maybe they can grow a tea empire and someone’s children can stay in Lin An and someone else’s children can go establish dominance over a different city.

CHAPTER 4

Lan Zhan’s side of things is coming through more clearly in the text now (I hope), but some notes nevertheless:

Then, she sends some to her husband’s study to serve him as a mid-afternoon snack, and to remind him of her continued existence: By this point, Lan Zhan has realised that he like-likes Wei Ying, so he’s very much aware of her continued existence already.

This gesture on her part seeds a hope that she might at least be receptive to his overtures, if she doesn’t yet feel the same way about him, and the pork-and-ginger-with-extra-ginger dumplings are him trying to take what he thinks is their courtship forward (“In thanks for the pastries … They were delicious.”).

Growing up with Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen and no other friends, it never occurs to him that Wei Ying might not be fluent in the Lan communication method of “indirect statements from which the audience correctly infers implied meanings”.

That the pastries turn out to be for a plot is a small bump in the road that is overcome by all of the “just for you” foods Wei Ying overcompensates with when he finds out.

“Do you…Never mind”: Lan Zhan would never say ‘DO U LIKE ME’, but this is him starting an overture that is (slightly) more direct and then not knowing how to continue and fleeing the scene.

Wei Ying modestly yields to her husband’s leadership, and that is why they spend the evening stopping in front of every opera singer, acrobat or other street performer who crosses their path: Young Master Lan Zhan conducting a thorough study on “what my wife likes”.

The direct consequence of this outing (as mentioned in Ch 5) that Wei Ying is Seen to have Lan Zhan’s esteem is also very much intentional on his part, because Lan Zhan is also thoughtful and efficient like that.

Other notes:

Since making lotus seed paste is a tedious, thankless task that normal families pay other people to do: My love-hate letter to lotus seed paste. I mostly know about the process for making it because I briefly considered making it myself during the first COVID lockdown. This desire lasted approximately 20 seconds into the first instructional youtube video I watched. But it is still delicious.

They pass yet another group of burly, scruffy men - all of whom are carrying an array of mismatched, chipped and obviously-scavenged weapons: foreshadowing for Wei Ying’s realisation in Ch 8, lol.

CHAPTER 5

Notes on Lan Xichen’s Moon-Viewing Party:

She can at least cow them into submission with Auntie Yu's beady-eyed stare: This is far from the only thing that Wei Ying has picked up from Auntie Yu. If anyone were ever to mention how like a real mother-and-daughter pair they can be sometimes, they would both be extremely appalled.

Lan Zhan has been watching Wei Ying since their arrival at his brother’s house to make sure that no one wrongs his wife (though with a credible amount of discretion, so no one else has picked up on anything beyond the boundaries of what is socially acceptable for a besotted husband). So while she has been busy noticing things going wrong, he has noticed her noticing things going wrong, and as soon as she starts taking action, he moves in to support her.

“Xiao Ping can go.” is the result of Lan Zhan finally finding an opportunity to step in after an extended period of patient waiting.

“Guanren,” she gasps in surprise: The possessive part of Lan Zhan (which is most of him) very much likes it when Wei Ying calls him that.

Lan Zhan discovers this night that he has a massive “bae helping other people” kink, and an equally massive competence kink.

At some point, Lan Zhan goes to his brother for advice on how to court his wife beyond his current “giving her things she likes” strategy, and receives the suggestion that maybe he should show her the things he’s good at too.

This births the “chrysanthemum wine + qin-playing” plan.

Continuing so late into the night that they fall asleep together is not an original part of this plan, but Wei Ying doesn’t seem upset by it and Lan Zhan is not one to retreat when he can advance, so it’s big wins all around.

Worth noting that while Lan Zhan does like his early bedtime in general, his particular insistence on xu shi (as noted by Wei Ying in re: “Her husband has revealed himself to be surprisingly fastidious about the strangest things as of late”) is not actually for health/moral habit reasons.

It also births the “Wei Ying [stumbling] across him in mid-song at an unusually high frequency” plan (which slightly predates the “chrysanthemum wine + qin-playing” plan).

And it is also why ultimate wingman Lan Xichen makes sure to mention poetry and Lan Zhan’s proficiency at it when he visits. It is very much not the only time he does something like this.

Other notes:

Which makes it even funnier that Lan Qiren so very obviously dislikes her: He does not, in fact, dislike her.

But he is experiencing trauma flashbacks from his interactions with Wei Ying’s mother back in ye day (/touches his beard protectively).

He is also burning with the passionate drive created by finally meeting a worthy challenge.

Every time one of his texts comes back annotated, he probably does the Tom-Hanks-Laptop meme of rubbing his hands and wiggling his fingers in preparation for writing his rebuttal. Except instead of "happy", his expression is "happily seething".

It bodes well for her ability to educate his nephew's children before they begin their formal education - if only he can get her to learn restraint and reform her character first!

So he is determined to succeed in fixing this one, this time! (He won’t).

Lan Xichen notices his uncle putting almost more energy into educating Wei Ying than his actual students and is highly amused.

Over time, Lan Qiren notices that verbally sparring with Wei Ying on various topics has improved the quality of his corresponding Academy lessons, and that he sometimes even discusses her takes on texts. This mildly infuriates him, especially when he receives expressions of admiration from students and parents for the depth of his scholarship and teaching.

Sometimes the result is that Lan Zhan gets a sudden and unexpected lecture on controlling/educating his wife and neither he nor Wei Ying can identify what she’s done to deserve it.

(Sometimes this is further complicated by the fact that she has committed too many potential affronts to pick just one.)

Uncoded notes have already been conclusively proven to be a terrible idea, and Wei Ying and Nie Huaisang do not already have an established code (Wei Ying cannot believe that they do not already have an established code; in reflection, it truly is an unforgivable oversight): They establish a code after everything in this story is finished, but they use it so infrequently that they keep forgetting it.

She would have loved to have used the opportunity to discuss Meng Yao instead, but when Wei Ying had mentioned her name, Nie Huaisang had simply hummed noncommittally and made no move to add anything further: Nie Huaisang’s initial reason for not involving Wei Ying in her own counterscheming against Meng Yao/Jin Guangshan is that Wei Ying has enough to deal with in re: the branch aunties and much fewer resources to draw on. This turns into “Wei Ying had better save her energy to focus on growing some emotional understanding of herself and her husband”, because that situation is dire. And then Meng Yao and Jin Guangshan escalate so far that it turns into “this is my personal grievance and requires my personal vengeance, and I will not risk having my bloodthirst restrained”.

Uncle Jiang had stopped him in the street and expressed his wife and daughter’s desire to see Wei Ying: A brief apology to Jiang Yanli who features very minimally in this story because while Wei Ying visits her a lot, she is also taking pains to stop her beloved sister from unnecessarily worrying about her by not mentioning anything serious at all and painting a very rosy picture of her married life where she “only has your run-of-the-mill teething problems, hardly worth talking about, except could you do me this one favour and send this wad of joss paper over to my residence in your name?”.

Jiang Yanli politely keeps up her end of the social fiction but is, in fact, still worrying. She deals with this by making and sending over a lot of nourishing food.

Wei Ying pulls the bundle out from a drawer and is struck by a sudden and completely uncharacteristic wave of self-doubt. This is odd and completely inexplicable - she’d been so confident in the quality of her gift only a shichen prior; she has no idea why she feels so nervous about it now: This is the point at which any other person might notice that their feelings for their husband run deeper than they’d previously thought (if they hadn’t already realised at many points before this), but Wei Ying is special. Lan Zhan, unfortunately, manages to pick up on the “any other person” part, but not the “Wei Ying is special” part.

There’s a sudden clatter, followed by Xiao Ping swearing and they startle apart: This is deliberate on Xiao Ping’s part. There are branch spies watching!

On Scheming Abilities:

Nie Mingjue, as the eldest di-daughter of a wealthy household who has only ever been second to her parents in terms of authority, has never needed to scheme in her life, and is used to dealing with everything straightforwardly. After she marries, Lan Xichen doesn’t have concubines and Nie Mingjue is too wealthy/powerful for the Lan relatives to otherwise interfere with her, so she never has to change (and is therefore completely unprepared for Meng Yao).

Similarly, Lan Xichen has zero scheming skills (although he will need to acquire some to survive in government, probably)

Lan Zhan has acquired more skills than his brother, by way of greater involvement in the family business and having to deal with the branch families. His involvement with Wei Ying, however, is fast teaching him that he is also very much a novice.

Nie Huaisang, a shu-daughter (although I never managed to explicitly say that anywhere in the text) and Wei Ying, a servant-born foster daughter, have acquired scheming skills due to the precariousness of those positions in life. These include:

Being targeted by and winning power games against people within the household

For Nie Huaisang, perhaps her father’s concubines or the servants loyal to them - either as a way to get to Nie Mingjue, or just directly.

For Wei Ying, maybe some of Madam Yu’s close maids feel aggrieved on their mistress’s behalf, maybe some of the servants resent Wei Ying for having a better position despite being equal to them in terms of birth.

Winning power games against people in their social circles who look down on them (Nie Huaisang for being a shu daughter, Wei Ying for being servant-born).

Needing to scheme their way out of feminine hooligan-related scrapes from their youth, of which there were many.

CHAPTER 6

Can’t find much to say about this chapter. Just that:

Treating Wei Ying to almost half a shichen of her own lecture on the importance of rewarding loyalty to old servants: Wei Ying remembers this with great clarity during the confrontation and associated fall-out (“Loyal people are difficult to come by; I would hate to deprive them of such a precious resource.”).

Miss Cang had been diligently using those accomplishments to slowly and subtly appeal to the similarly-accomplished Lan Zhan not one year ago: On the other hand, Lan Zhan could not pick her out of a lineup if his life depended on it. Wei Ying asks him after the first time she and Miss Cang have a run-in and receives a very genuine response of “???” “????????????” She chooses not to mention that to Miss Cang either.

CHAPTER 7

Lan Zhan received a bit of abuse in the comments of this chapter (:’D), which came as a bit of a surprise to me. I suppose I have the benefit of clearly plotting out my son’s perspective for my own understanding of the story, and Wei Ying’s perspective limits the ways in which his side of the story can be conveyed, so that’s what I’ll address.

Lan Zhan is not angry, his feelings are hurt.

He's invested 110% in this relationship and he'd thought Wei Ying felt the same until she hit him with the joke about divorce, and now it's like "she's built herself an exit strategy, is standing with one foot out the door and none of my feelings or actions-to-date have mattered enough to outweigh that".

For any Legend of Minglan viewers, the parallel with Gu Tingye’s “You’re leaving yourself an escape route!!” is very much intentional.

You can see a bit of this hinted at in Lan Zhan’s “You don’t even know”, which indicates that all of Wei Ying’s theories on what she has done are wrong.

While Lan Zhan is particularly sensitive about divorce for some understandable mother-related reasons (which means that there's an additional "how could she think that of me? does she know me at all?" in there), he has an additional contextual defence: most women would not joke about divorce, at least before the marital relationship is solid enough that everyone knows it’s obviously a joke.

Meanwhile, Wei Ying has thrown the joke out there on the back of some solid evidence that she has some real viable alternatives for supporting herself, so for all Lan Zhan knows, she might actually go.

Given his limited emotional-management tools, Lan Zhan is working it out in the best way he knows how:

Firstly going to see his brother

Secondly by hiding away and nursing his wounds while he awkwardly tries to process his feelings, calms down, takes stock of the situation and decides what he wants to do about it.

He can't actually come out and say "I'M UPSET BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE ME!", hence: making his brother promise not to tell her, and his brother agreeing because lol yes that's quite embarrassing.

So we can see in: “But her efforts are only met with her brother-in-law - while smiling in a way that seems as if he’s laughing at her even more than usual - simply telling her not to worry, and that his brother’s anger will doubtlessly burn itself out any day now“ that:

Firstly, the problem is something that Lan Xichen can be amused about. We’ve already mentioned the embarrassment factor, but beyond that, the nature of the problem is not that serious. Lan Zhan in the throes of heartbreak is melodramatically thinking “SHE DOESN’T LOVE ME”, but Lan Xichen is astute enough to suspect that Wei Ying is maybe a bit emotionally dense, and is probably not as unmoved as all that.

Secondly, Lan Xichen recognises that the problem is something that Lan Zhan needs space to work through himself, and that there’s nothing to be done on Wei Ying’s side.

Mianmian’s “refusal to tell Wei Ying” is explained in Ch 8, but it’s worth noting here that loyal maidservant Mianmian would never refuse to tell Wei Ying something important. What actually happens of course is that Mianmian keeps insisting that Lan Zhan is in love with Wei Ying, and Wei Ying keeps refusing to believe it and then she finally says “Fine! Don’t tell me then!” and Mianmian is like /o\

Susu genuinely doesn’t know though, lol. She’s a bit younger, not as emotionally mature.

Nie Mingjue also genuinely doesn’t know (Lan Xichen hasn’t told her because he knows she’d just call Lan Zhan an idiot to his face).

Nie Huaisang does know, but after hearing about Mianmian’s valiant attempts, she decides it would be better to take a more slowly-slowly angle and show Wei Ying how much Lan Zhan likes her instead. With mixed results.

Even given all the above, Lan Zhan is very much invested in protecting Wei Ying’s public standing and reputation:

We can see this in his insistence that she stays at home, so she doesn’t become a convenient target or sacrificial fall-guy  during the family proceedings.

Nie Mingjue further explains his fears in her conversation with Wei Ying about the Lan elders and their treatment of Lan Zhan’s mother vs herself.

We can also see it in “While he does not ignore her, precisely, Lan Zhan also never lingers in her company a moment longer than strict decorum would require”: Lan Zhan is still demonstrating to the servants and the public that, at the very least, her position as his wife should be respected and all related benefits afforded to her.

And of course he’s still sleeping in their bedroom.

Both the Lan brothers underestimate the emotional impact that this will have on Wei Ying, because neither of them has correctly understood how emotionally invested she is or how emotionally invested she realises she is. (In their defence: neither has she.)

This assumption is shored up by the way that she stays pretty upbeat and flippant, especially in the way she goes about trying to make amends. Not yet understanding her, they take this to mean that she’s feeling sorry and a little awkward, but otherwise is unaffected.

Lan Zhan’s points of realisation that he's hurt her are "Forgive me anyway - I can't bear it" and finding her curled up in bed. “I have an engagement” is true, but it is also him needing some space to process this new knowledge. At this point he:

half-caves to the decision that he'll just love her anyway and not give her any excuse to leave, and

half-comes to the realisation that actually, maybe Wei Ying really doesn't know about his feelings or her own, so he's going to need to recalibrate.

There were a few comments along the lines of “this could have been resolved through direct communication”, and while that’s true to some extent, I feel like direct communication in the context of relationships and feelings is a very modern-Western value that doesn’t necessarily have the same application here.

I do fully accept that despite its setting, this is a modern story, for a modern audience. But even so I think the non-modern setting and context (in addition to Lan Zhan’s particular personal situation) make it a little unfair to blame Lan Zhan for not starting a heart-to-heart outpouring of feelings. (Though of course this is my personal opinion.)

Even in my modern-but-still-Asian family, there’s a much stronger culture of being expected to read unspoken meaning from social situations, and in turn being able to expect that other people do the same. The cultural conflict is, as Jay Chou once sang in the song “Cliff of Love” (lololololol): You say that I am like a child, delighting in always leaving you guessing. I say that you’re the one who is like a child, always needing me to spell things out for you.

Semi-relatedly, I think there’s a “child of asian parents” meme about your parents apologising by bringing sliced fruit to you instead of saying anything with words. I have imputed this to Wei Ying and Lan Zhan.

In very general terms, I would also say that we as a Chinese family have a much weaker culture of “you did this thing that violates my boundaries, I will tell you and expect you to change your behaviour” and a much stronger culture of “you did this thing to violate my boundaries, I must manage myself so that unacceptable boundary violations do not happen in future”. I have on some level imputed this to Lan Zhan.

There is also a much stronger culture of avoiding things that are embarrassing (as the person who might be embarrassed, as the person who might cause someone else to be embarrassed, and as a bystander who might worsen the embarrassment by bearing witness). There’s a lot of “not mentioning and just moving past these things by unspoken agreement”. I have on some level imputed this to … everyone in this story. 

The entire story, but this sex scene in particular, have been my manifesto on My Beef with Historical CNovels (which I recognise is sometimes about censorship and not the authors’ artistic vision). In terms of the sex scene this includes, but is not limited to:

Only the dudes or top dudes being horny or up for it (or being the 80 in an 80/20 split in who is horny/up for it)!

The relative passivity of ladies/bottom dudes in bed!

JADE STICKS (didn’t manage to get a reference to CHERRY NIPPLES in, but THOSE TOO)!

Lack of preparation and the resultant pain!

The lady/bottom “not being able to get out of bed for 3 days afterwards”!

The fun relationship tension/dynamics disappearing after a pivotal point where the couple variously gets together/gets married/has sex!

CHAPTER 8

Without guidance from questions in the comments, some general notes:

“It matters not,” he murmurs when they break apart: This is Lan Zhan both recognising that Wei Ying is not mentally/emotionally ready to believe the actual answer, and also genuinely meaning that it doesn’t matter anymore.

It’s also probably quite obvious right now that this Lan Zhan knows he’s not very verbally demonstrative and so he compensates with physical affection instead.

This also means that he’s very cuddly with their children when they’re born, and 100% takes A-Yuan everywhere with him, including on business.

While Lan Zhan directs her from his place behind her, seated with his chest pressed flush against her back: Lan Zhan would have been one of those children who is independent and standoffish in public, but a total cuddlebug with his mum in private. And so in addition to the above, the result of being touch-starved for over a decade following his mother’s death means that he fuses himself to Wei Ying at every (private) opportunity. It’s not that he doesn’t touch her in public, but it’s all very hand-on-elbow proper and decorous - until the moment they cross into a place with any amount of privacy and then FWOOM.

Wei Ying has wondered more than once whether she might one day bully Lan Zhan into sitting in the circle of her arm, while she appreciates fine wine as the ancestors intended: It definitely happens, and takes minimal-to-none bullying.

If her friend is suspicious enough of Meng Yao to interfere in her sister’s household, limit Meng Yao’s access to Nie Mingjue and attack Meng Yao’s father, then why has she done nothing to Meng Yao herself?: Nie Huaisang started out leaving Meng Yao every opportunity to come clean about what Jin Guangshan wanted her to do. If Meng Yao had had a change of heart and done this at any point while her disruptions to the household were still minor, Nie Huaisang would have happily worked with her to get her due from the Jin family (and then relocated her to somewhere suitably removed from Lan Xichen). But then Meng Yao proves that she is willing to completely sell Nie Mingjue out for her own gain, and now Nie Huaisang is giving her enough rope to hang herself.

And so Wei Ying spends the latter part of the evening half-lying on Lan Zhan’s bare chest: This behaviour begins as the result of Wei Ying misunderstanding something she hears (probably from Uncle Jiang’s men) about post-nut clarity. But it is in Lan Zhan’s interests to encourage it, and it doesn’t actually impede the thought process, so it continues.

“I didn’t mean to,” Nie Huaisang says in a small voice, to no one in particular: Going to leave this open as to whether Nie Huaisang is telling the truth or not.

The coroner’s report will attribute the cause to a combination of the incense burning in the room and the herbal tonic that he has been taking to replenish his yang qi for the past year: Meng Yao’s last gift to a father she has known all along was using her too.

[davekat-sucks]

Oooh! I have my own headcanons as well!

John Egbert, movie critic and professional prankster, has a small Youtube Channel named EctoBiologist_143 that does a lot of skit based comedy reviews, think Nostalgia Critic without the scummy business practices. John also tries to code personal birthday card files for his friends, they work half the time, if unzipping the .ath file is recognized on the computer’s software.

Rose Lalonde loves to overanalyze kids media, especially squiddles as it’s a way for her to bond with Jade, and Rose notices quite a lot of references to the deep sea and hidden realms in the media.

Dave Strider, as much as he loves to remix and produce beats, he also learns the drums as a traditional instrument to play band, he made one EP with John Rose and Jade, he says he doesn’t want to publish because it “sounds too normal to be indie” bit really he wants a piece of his second family to keep as a memory. His first family was him and bro, and yeeeeeeah, he doesn’t like puppets, except Randy Feltface.

Jade Harley prefers to be a vegetarian, but her Bec side loves meat, she treats herself to black bean burgers and tofu sausages. Her mostly veggie diet comes from her gardening, making all-organic foods. Her Bec side also makes her droop when she’s near nuclear reactors, that’s why her job is reactor designer and not inspection.

Jane Crocker made an MSPFA called Professional Charlatan, an adventure about a hard-boiled prankster, an Adventuring Dandy and a Populist Ingenious work as a team with intelligensia from Master Kernel to defeat the insidious and undersea work of the MERMAID MOB. It is very obvious this is loosely based on Jane and her friends fighting the Condesce.

Jake English dabbles in the art, and takes from Pablo Picasso’s blue period. Rose has a very psychoanalytical idea for why he likes to draw so many blue landscapes, and round, wavy feminine shapes. Jake also draws Robots, a lot. He even gets commissions to draw corny 1950s sci-fi book covers!

Roxy teaches John how to make code in .ath that does not suck. She and John love to share simple code that range from ripoff arcade games to ascii gifs. She takes a lot of the wine her mom stored to be sold in a wine store she owns. Roxy likes to taste wine, but declines anything more than one glass to drink, modesty is policy!

Dirk Strider works with a lot of felt and soft fabrics. He actually makes quilts as therapy for living on his own for 16 years. He also likes to hang out with Dave, he looks up to Dave and how he turned out even with the worst Dirk in all of Paradox space. Dirk still has a manipulative streak where he tries to subtly convince Dave to binge The Muppet Show with him to grow a tolerance for non-smutty plushes. Dave still can not watch any scene with Gonzo without getting sweaty and tense.

This is a lot of text for 8 characters so if I ever do troll headcanons they are in a separate batch.

[monstrous-tournament]

Ankh-Morpork City Watch Tournament!

Detritus is the longest-serving troll member of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. Before getting this job, Detritus had been a splatter (like a bouncer, but with more force) at the Broken/Mended Drum. During the Moving Pictures Craze, he got involved with Ruby, who wanted him to better himself; thus his change of careers. He is very well-versed in patiently questioning suspects, training new recruits, and Being Tactful. He wears adapted battle elephant armor and carries a 2000-lb-draw siege crossbow (the Piecemaker) as a hand weapon.

Angua is a werewolf, from a noble werewolf family in Überwald. She has a reliable nose and can track any thief, killer, or miscellaneous miscreants. She is constantly on guard against her animalistic instincts. She strives to be a vegetarian (at least in human form) and pays for the chickens she eats as a wolf, because animals don't. She has occasional dog-like habits and problems; she finds Mr. Fusspot's squeaky bone toy hard to put down, for example, and has both a bed and a basket in the place where she lives.

[kale-of-the-forbidden-cities]

troll lore (long)

cw: human and troll experimentation (spoiler alert lol)

spoilers for uhh up to flashback i believe

To start, some headcanons about the trolls themselves:

First of all, they're not vegetarian. The elves tried to get them to be for the longest time until they kinda just gave up.

Marintrylla is a very humid/wet place that is mostly shielded from the sun. Trolls need lots of water so most of them carry a large water bottle of sorts with them, especially when outside their territories, where they also wear special clothes to prevent too much sun from drying them out. They're also cold-blooded, and therefore can't be anywhere too cold.

Their government is a matriarchy, as the females are usually bigger and stronger than the males, and most trolls believe them to be smarter as well.

Now for a made-up, potentially canon-contradicting (I did not fact check any of this) history lesson!

For over a thousand years, the trollish population was not doing so well, mainly due to the nature of how babies are born - they have to be kept in the perfect conditions, and when they "hatch" they are bloodthirsty and violent, attacking everything that could be food, since they need a lot of nutrients. Not sure how the whole thing actually works but that's the general gist.

The ogres noticed this, and after taking over Serenevale, they thought they could take over another species as well. Many attacks were made and battles fought, until Marintrylla was the only territory they had left.

Despite their low numbers, the trollish empress of the time (Who I named Lerenia which is just. idk random letter combo i thought sounded good) refused to accept help from any of the other species (elves and dwarves offered to help save their young, while goblins offered to help fend against the ogres, who were also at war with the goblins at the time). Empress Lerenia believed everything had to happen naturally, and that nature would find a way. The council, however, were not so sure.

A point came when the trollish population count dipped under 100. When the council realized just how low the numbers were, they voted to take drastic measures, and set up something they dubbed the "troll sanctuary" which was a top secret project that probably had code names because that one is not all that subtle. It's not as nice as they probably teach in schools, if they teach about this at all (most of it was erased from memories, and you'll see why).

Basically, they took a few trolls and kept them in a secure place (maybe Lumenaria?) for observation and testing, with the aim of finding a way to help the trolls survive better. However, the conditions they were kept in made them more like prisoners, and elves didn't know enough about trollish biology to be able to give them what they needed - many died due to dehydration and/or malnutrition, while others died as a result of the testing. Vespera was very involved in this project (it was only a little bit before her whole human experimentation thing), and conducted many of the experiments, along with Luzia Vacker. almost everyone involved had it wiped from their memory after one elf's mind broke after working there too long. They then left the trolls there for a while, before Luzia came and took over, bringing the few remaining trolls to her private property, away from the eyes of the council. She and Vespera continued their experiments at Everglen, less out of concern for their population and more out of curiosity.

A few humans discovered the secret of the Lumenaria troll sanctuary, however, along with Vespera's human experiments. The human leader, whoever that was, informed Empress Lerenia, who was understandably outraged that the council had kidnapped her citizens and had performed inhumane tests on them in the name of "helping." She was fully prepared to storm Eternalia and start a war. But she did realize it was a bad idea, considering the lack of an army the trolls had. The human leader assured her that they would fight on her behalf, and the empress had safe houses built underground, should the humans need any emergency shelter or protection. These shelters have since been repurposed.

I think trolls and humans both stood out as species, for many reasons, but one thing they both have in common is aging - the other species stay the same for hundreds and hundreds of years, and while human lifespans were much shorter than the rest (though they were longer at the time than they are now, about 200-500 years), trolls also age and get weaker as they grow older.

While all this was happening, Pernille was born! a miraculous baby in a dark time. A little headcanon i thought of is that her name is trollish for "justice", something Lerenia wanted to bring.

The humans were quickly defeated (they tried to get the ogres on their side and failed) but many from all the different species knew at least bits and pieces about some of the things happening. the elvin council placed the blame on Vespera Folend, who managed to go into hiding for at least another decade, and continued to capture humans when she could. There was probably at least one human horror legend inspired by her.

Things settled down after Vespera's imprisonment. treaties were discussed in the very building she was being held prisoner, the very building the horrible experiments had happened in.

This is when neutral territories were established. the elves wanted to give some of the trollish territory that was taken by the ogres to the humans, as well as a lot of the territories that were deemed "unneeded" for the species that were less in numbers. Naturally, the rest of the intelligent species did not like that, and it ended in the agreement of keeping them neutral, although protected against humans (using illusions designed by Vespera herself).

Not long after this, Lerenia tried to have another child, but this resulted in both the child and Lerenia's death, meaning Pernille was forced to take on the role as empress despite being only in her 20s, which could be compared to a young teenager. Her main advisor was her father, and the two have a very strong bond to this day.

Due to the nature of her mother's death, Pernille found new determination to make a change. She knew things couldn't go on like this if she wanted her species to thrive. She was hesitant to trust the council after all she'd learned from her mother, but she formed a team of carefully selected trolls, dwarves, gnomes, goblins, elves, and even a few ogres, who contributed to the project arguably the most thanks to their knowledge on microbiology, which helped a lot. Many decades of work led to the creation of the hive system, which is still used today. this project is still considered to be a great example of incredible things that can be achieved when all species collaborate towards a single goal. It also settled many doubts about the capabilities of the young trollish empress, as trolls had earned a reputation of being nothing but bloodthirsty monsters. However, Pernille showed that she was determined, hardworking, caring, and truly wanted what was best not only for her people, but the world.

[anxresi]

…Thomas Astruc really is a nasty piece of work, isn’t he?

This post is about how he reacts to criticism online, and what motivates him to reply.

Not to mention, a shout-out to his ‘defenders’ who somehow think they owe the man a lifelong debt of gratitude.

Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s more than ably been compensated for producing the idea that led to this behemoth of a show (before he ran it down to the ground, that is).

So he finally admits it… he’s writing at the level of a 5 year old. The truth outs at last!

Here’s another one…

How would we get the idea you ‘hate’ Chloe?

You mean like: engaging in the most heinous character assassination I’ve EVER seen regarding her development over S4-5, giving us the waste-of-bland-space Zoe who everyone in the in-show universe constantly praises to further spite her fans and responding to almost EVERY individual who criticizes your treatment of her online, while ignoring most other messages?

Hmm, I wonder where we could’ve got the impression from you don’t like her very much… 🤔

It’s got to the stage now where he reacts so aggressively and urgently to anyone who produces the slight WHIFF of criticism, that it makes me think he has something to hide. Like for example, directly interfering in her character arc?

Anyway, he does that classic thing every bad liar does… Deny everything, then get so abusive with their angry response to try and frighten the poor OP into never raising the issue ever again.

He doesn’t have to even reply to anyone, but when he does it always seems to be the ‘haterz’ he engages with than the devotees who grovel at his feet. Almost like he enjoys the confrontations. Very strange.

Oh, but don’t worry. All those young fans he ignores still turn up to ‘defend’ this grown-ass 46 year old man from the vicious assault of a couple of teens rightfully asking questions of his terrible writing. decisions. NEWSFLASH: he’s not gonna give you mindless sycophants a job, you know. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

In fact, all these ‘brave’ internet white knights defending him on Twitter… you do realize you massively outnumber the Chloe fans, don’t you?

It was a personal choice Thomas made to highlight the only two negative questions he got about her that day to his hundreds of thousands of followers, as if to make out this kind of ‘trolling’ is commonplace.

It’s not, and picking on the couple of Chloe fans willing to speak up ain’t an ‘honorable’ thing. He couldn’t give a hoot about you in reality, you’re just interchangeable tools in his ginormous ego trap.

Hope you enjoy the taste of his boots. Wise up, and see him for what he is, would be my genuine advice.

P.S The other topic that seems to heavily occupy him judging by his posts is the ‘Climate Emergency’ which of course very important and explains the ‘New World’ we see after Gabriel’s wish we see at the end of S5.

Personally, I think they laid it on a bit thick with the whole ‘let’s get rid of all cars, no litter anywhere, waterways and trees everywhere you look, no more teachers at school so set your own lessons’ message, but whatever.

My point is, I bet he lives a jet-setting lifestyle where he travels around the world a lot, in terms of income he’s gotta be in the top 10% bracket and I can’t seem to find anything online about him being a vegetarian or inviting homeless people to stay at the mansion he doubt calls his place of residence.

So could it be… this ‘progressive’ outlook is another attempt by a middle-aged man to ‘get down wiv da kids’ from someone who’s willing to talk the talk but not make any concrete sacrifices in his own privileged life that might help halt environmental decline? Id wager he uses a lot more resources than the average person he lectures to, so what is he doing himself to prevent ‘global Armageddon’?

From the available evidence, not a lot. Could it be… he’s an attention-seeking self-congratulatory sanctimonious hypocrite who’s life ethos is ‘Do as I say, but not as I do’?

Probably.

[sabakos]

A dish that uses a single 14oz block of tofu (400 calories) as its primary ingredient is a single serving, or 2 servings if you serve it with rice. I think all these vegetarian asian recipes I'm reading are trolling me when they claim that their recipe that serves 4 only calls for a single block of tofu and no rice. This is bullshit, this isn't "American portion sizes" or anything, even assuming sauce and veggies double the calorie count you aren't clearing 200 calories per serving if you serve a single tofu block to 4 people. That's not a meal unless you eat 10 of them per day or you've figured out how to photosynthesize.

[noforkingclue]

Can I have Jack Russell with a Horror Fanatic! Reader? When they find out that Jack’s a werewolf, they bombard him with questions like,” Do trolls actually take your left sock? Do vampires only drink human blood or can they drink animal blood like in that one movie? Does the Man-Thing like hockey?!”

Yes! Continue to feed my current hyperfixation!!!

Title: Fact and Fiction

Marvel tag list: @geocookie21, @greeneyedblondie44, @purebloodwitch, @sessa23,  @mxacegrey

Everything tag list: @greenrevolutionary, @byebyebreezywrites, @spngingerbread21, @layazul, @lov3vivian, @simonsbluee

“So,” you sat down next to Jack and handed him a mug of tea, “You really are a werewolf.”

Jack gave you a grateful, but tired, smile and nodded. He clasped the steamed mug in cold hands and you dumped a blanket over his shoulder.

“Yes,” he said, “A werewolf. I know if might seem a bit unbelievable but-“

“That’s so fucking cool.”

Jack paused, mug halfway to his lips. He glanced at you out of the corner of his eye as you leant closer. There was sparkle in your eye, one that he had grown fond of as he got to know you. He believed that once you had found out what he really was, that he would never see it again. He was glad that he was wrong.

“Cool,” he said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been described as that before.”

“Are there other’s like you?”

“Huh? Other werewolves. Yes, there are.”

“I mean other…” you waved your hand as you looked for the right word

“Monsters?” Jack suggested

“You’re not a monster.”

“You’ve only seen me in human form.”

You frowned clearly not as amused as Jack was.

“But I know what you mean,” he said, “Yes. There’s Ted.”

Jack pointed at Ted who was wading in a nearby river. When he heard his name he looked over and waved at the two of you. You had to admit, Ted was slightly intimidating. Although you found him rather sweet once Jack had formally introduced the two of you.

“Do vampires exist.” You blurted out

“Yes.”

“And do vampires and werewolves not get on?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Isn’t that the stereotype? And that ‘vegetarian’ vampires drink animal blood. Does that actually happen?”

“You can’t expect every werewolf or vampire to get along,” Jack said, “You don’t get on with every human.”

“No. I didn’t mean-“

“As for the blood drinking,” Jack continued, with a knowing smile, “Some vampires do drink animal blood but others can’t stand it. I once knew a vampire who used to work in a hospital. Had access to blood infusion packets.”

“Surely he’d want to get to the dead bodies.”

“And drink rancid blood? Even vampires have standards.”

“Fair. And what about you.”

“Me?”

“Werewolves. Do you have alpha wolves?”

“Ah,” Jack’s grip on his mug tightened, “You know the concept of an ‘alpha wolf’ is outdated.”

“Is it?”

“Doesn’t stop some werewolves from taking advantage,” he said bitterly, “Especially if they find a human who has been turned and not someone who was born one. Most packs are just one extend family.”

“And your-“

Swiftly Jack reached over and put his hand over your mouth. You could feel your cheeks get hot under the contact and he said,

“The family discussion is for another day, ok?”

With Jack’s hand still over your mouth all you could do was nod. Slowly Jack gaze morphed into something else. Slowly he removed his hand and pressed his fingers against your pulse point. You knew it was racing and Jack’s lips twitched when he felt it.

“Although I can tell you one thing.” He said

“Yes?”

“Werewolves, when we find our mate, mate for life.”

[thehippiegothbaby444]

Hey y'all!

My name is Alex Indigo or y'all can also call me Starchild or Indy..... I'm okay with either one. 😀

My big age is 30 going on 31, but I have a smol age. My smol age is anywhere between 0 and 14, however I am often in the 3-4 range or the 8-14 range. I'm also a demi-permaregressor, as I am almost always in a regressed space.... again that is where the 8-14 age range comes in...

I'm also queer and nonbinary transgender.....to be precise I'm multigender (previously bigender but I guess I'm gender fluid too??) and abroromantic asexual. My pronouns are mostly they/them but I'm okay with he/she as well as my first name. When I am in smol mode, however, I feel like I'm androgynous so definitely he/him or she/her pronouns when I am smol.

When you see me in the wild, you really don't notice that I am age regressing, aside from carrying a plushie around. I still talk like a grown up, albeit with a slightly higher pitch in my voice. But when I text or blog, it's very noticeable because I baby talk in the virtual world.

I made this blog because my sideblog was being overshadowed by my spiritual/activist/hippie counterculture blog. If you want to see that go to my new sideblog @hippiegothweirdo1111 ... fair warning it might possibly be triggering so if you are smol please don't go to the big blog. 🥺

Aside from my blogging, I also have some things I like to engage in while I am smol. I love: to hang out with my stuffies, sleep, eat (I'm vegetarian, bordering on totally plant based/vegan....so my smol foods are healthy.), listen to groovy and slightly spoopy music, play outside, cuddle with my animal frens and play dress up. I also love to travel when I am smol.

Other smol things that I like are: Bluey (Indy is my favorite character btw), Care Bears, My Little Pony, sensory toys, Schoolhouse Rock, Ruby Gloom, Tim Burton, Dark Hippie/Hippie Goth things... even when I'm smol, Gothic Music (Think Gothic Rock, Darkwave, Coldwave, Ethereal Wave and the like) Calming music, Eeveelutions, and Trolls (I can relate to Princess Poppy)

Please don't interact with the blog if you are: bigoted (in any way), or NSFW....it will trigger me and my followers.. and I will have no choice but to block you...

Thanks and have a stuffie.🧸