#vampire voodoo bullshit

[whatwooshkai]

Nowhere To Go But Up Chapter Four: Creature

Nowhere To Go But Up - Chapter 4 - thatwooshkai - Transformers Generation One [Archive of Our Own]

Starscream and Skyfire encounter something... new.

[fangirl-overload13]

Please include Scooby's many relatives that make random but helpful appearances now and then.

The constant eating is likely linked to needing constant fuel to maintain his dog form and Shaggy is soul bound to him which is why he's just as hungry and can eat more than humanly possible.

The unlikely flukes are due to Scooby-Doo having godly powers though they are not fully in his control and just end up in the most hilarious outcome that saves the day.

Velma having an extensive knowledge can break in with real facts whenever someone brings up inappropriate or inaccurate comments like witchcraft or voodoo practices being behind this or devil worship that.

Daphne being able to lull baddies into a false sense of security with her helpless damsel act and then taking them down.

Fred not having anyone's bullshit.

Velma chronicles everything in hopes of finally being able to fulfill her dream of being a world renowned mystery writer.

Daphne is the PR of the group and knows how to work the story to keep it on track and not muddle up the facts like press tends to for a good story.

Fred can charm people into cooperating when they'd rather be difficult because "You're just a bunch of kids and a dog" "We're nearly 30 thank you." "Dog? Where?"

Got to keep the mystery machine and yes it's still called that. The flashy design is apart of the logo and is trademarked.

You get glimpse of inside their office space and see folders marked things like ghosts, vampires, aliens, monsters, with sub folders for real, fake, unsolved.

Thinking about how I would write an adult Scooby-Doo series, because I think it can be done.

The first thing I’d do is make the characters actually be adults.  Still young, but adults, in the mid to late 20s range.  Mystery Inc. is a private detective type business that they run together.  In this universe, the supernatural/ghosts/etc are real, but not necessarily common, so when they take on a case, the culprit might be a person disguised as a monster, or it might actually be a real ghost.  The stakes can be higher; sometimes a bad guy is legitimately trying to kill them.  Sometimes the mystery they’re trying to solve is a murder.  Sometimes they actually get hurt on their cases.

Fred: the core of Fred’s character should be that he’s incredibly kind.  Like, give a stranger the shirt off his back kind.  The “Fred can’t talk to potential clients because he might take a case for free and we need to eat” kind.  He’s an honest and good person and sometimes gets himself into trouble because he assumes other people are too.  While he’s not very good at reading people or noticing ulterior motives, he’s brilliant when it comes to mechanical or engineering type stuff, so he’s the one who keeps the mystery machine running, builds their gadgets, and of course, designs the traps.

Daphne: she comes from old money, and her parents absolutely despise her life choices, to the point where they haven’t officially disowned her, but they have basically cut her off, so she doesn’t actually have access to any family money.  Growing up wealthy has granted her a variety of skills, including speaking multiple languages, horseback riding, and fencing.  She’s very into fashion and jewelry (even if she can’t afford it anymore) and has extensive knowledge of both that can occasionally provide a vital clue in a case. And even though her parents have cut her off, Daphne still has a wide network of contacts she can ask for favors sometimes, because she’s personable, and people tend to like her.  Daphne is also very emotionally intelligent, and is usually the one who can spot when someone is lying to them.

Side note - I ship Fred and Daphne, so I think I would start them off as an established couple for this universe.  Dating, engaged, married, I don’t care.  They are stupidly in love, ride or die for each other.  There’s no will they, won’t they, no worries about cheating.  They are in a healthy, happy, loving relationship, and no one (not even Daphne’s disapproving parents) are going to mess that up for them.

Velma: she is the forensics nerd who sometimes gets super excited about the wrong thing at the wrong time (”He was mummified in seconds? That’s so cool!” “Velma!  His wife is standing right there!” “Oh.  Sorry.”).  She’s not purposely insensitive, she just gets laser focused on her work and forgets to filter herself sometimes.  She’s also the one who can get so fixated on solving whatever mystery they’re working on, she’s willing to bend or maybe break laws.  Is breaking and entering really so bad?  Not if it gets them answers.

Shaggy: he is still the comic relief, but he’s the comic relief by being the only person in the group that actually has common sense.  He manages the business’s finances, he’s the only one who knows how to cook, and the others tease him for being a coward sometimes, but Shaggy maintains that if a ghost with an axe is coming for you, running is the only sensible option.  He should also have a range of random knowledge that sounds useless, but sometimes saves the day (ex ventriloquism, origami, the history of spoons, etc).

Scooby: as this is a universe where supernatural creatures exist, Scooby is an ancient eldritch type being that took a shine to Shaggy when he was a kid, and took the form of a talking dog to befriend and hang out with him.  Aside from the talking dog bit and not aging, he never uses his powers in a way that anyone notices.  The audience is not told upfront that Scooby is an ancient eldritch being; it should slowly be hinted at throughout the series so the audience put it together, but the characters never realize it.  Scooby genuinely considers Shaggy to be his best friend, and cares about the rest of the gang too.

[thenixkat]

the mayor's son has apparently been out of school since the grunch attack. He has a dream about Stanley and Missy his best friend and girlfriend leaving him behind while he's being attacked by monsters the mayor takes the opportunity to try and drive a wedge between his son and Stanley and Missy

the mayor's son tries to have a private talk about what the fuck happened and why Missy and Stanley are hanging out with nerds Missy and Stanley try to warn the dude that his dad is shit and working with a demon which starts a fight the mayor's son decides he cant trust them b/c he doesnt believe that his dad is up to some bullshit Stanley gets a surprise reminder that yeah his mom works for the mayor who's trying to kill him and his friends when he runs into the mayor in his house who helpfully and threateningly reminds him that he knows where all of his friends live

Soliei's interracial queer moms Stanley is understandably worried about the mayor's threats and the safety of his family and his friends the kids decide to break into and investigate the mayor's home

The mayor invited the rougarou and the vampires to his house to show them the last memories, that he altered framing the vampires for the murder, of the old pack leader to find out how he died. Understandably starting a fight between the two groups. The old pack leader's ghost is there but only Maybe can hear him when the dead rougarou names the mayor as his murderer

the kids find the musical instrument the mayor stole from the vamps that can summon grunches in the hidden bedroom where the mayor had been sheltering the demon and the mayor's son runs into them, armed with a bat demanding info

Soliei runs into the demon and tries to burn it. Which doesnt work The rougarou and vamps start fighting. the dead pack leader helps get Maybe to safety b4 telling him what happened yeah the demon was like: I'm from Hell why did you think fire would work?

the rest of the team still trying to talk sense into the mayor's son Maybe calls his brother who works for the vampires to ask him to tell the vampires that they were framed by the mayor and gets caught by the mayor who again they know is down with murdering kids Soliei doesn't fare well against the demon who feeds off her multiple times and then does something to her apparently, due to her ancestry, she's an important part of his plans the demon gives her nightmare visions of her and her friends dying horribly if they keep interfering damn. the mayor's son, supposedly friends with Stanley since kindergarten: Voodoo superpowers? I guess that makes more sense than Stan suddenly getting smart Stanley: Wow that's kinda hurtful but I'm gonna focus on the part where you believe us

the mayor's son still doesnt believes that his dad's evil until the mayor chucks Maybe into his friends and the demon shows up with a spiritually defeated Soliei the mayor admits to trying to kill the vampires and rougarou but says he has good reasons and he didnt know that his son was at the club when he sent grunches to attack it, b/c that makes endangering people while trying to explicitly murder other people ok

so the mayor's wife died because he ran a red light and since the rougarou and vampires wouldn't come forward and change her to save her life b/c they were in public and didnt want to be exposed. And that's why the mayor wants to murder all the rougarou and vampires in town b/c they didn't want to risk the humans finding out about them and killing them all

the mayor: their selfishness is why my wife died Pat aint buying that fucking sob story b/c the mayor had his father murdered for being a witness. Murdered and then enslaved after death

the mayor's son apparently sides with his dad who charges him with keeping the rest of the kids there and out of his hair

Maybe's brother asks to be turned to help fight and keep his brother safe the rougarou get riled up by Lou's speech and transform and then realize that they gotta drive to get to the fight location and have to turn back Maybe's brother turns into a vamp the demon has the mayor summon another demon and the mayor betrays the demon and puts it in the circle because the spell would allow the mayor to have perfect control over the demon he then sets a magic trap

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

Things you should not dress up as your Halloween.

Any serial killers whose victims or immediate families are still alive. (Don't dress as Jeffery Dahmer.)

Any cultural specific costumes (Don't dress up as a geisha, Indigenous person, Hawai'ian, etc) I'm aware Hawaiian is an indigenous people but I needed to list the separately in case the reader didn't know.

Any costume that relies on antisemitic or racist tropes (Jynx's style is often attributed to the Japanese style Ganguro but many Black people in the world see this style as Japanese Blackface, witches and goblins with a large nose and dark curly hair are seen as antisemitic stereotypes)

Any religious or spiritual figures from closed practices. (No Voodoo priestess or Kali)

No viking looks with facepaint (there is no historical evidence that Vikings wore facepaint and that myth only started because TV shows used indigenous looks to make vikings look like heathens. So that's extremely anti-indigenous.)

No Blackface. No yellowface (dressing up to look Asian). No dressing up as an Indegous person. No dressing up as a Mexican person. No costumes dressing up as a specific race or ethnicity.

No culturally insensitive costumes. No Nazis. No Muslim suicide boomers. No slaves. No confederate soldiers.

No "sexy schoolgirls" or any outfits that sexualize minors.

No Harry Potter stuff. Please let JKR's memory fade so we can't all pretend like she never existed.

No homophobic or transphobic bullshit. (Dressing in drag is okay as long as it's not transphobic or racist)

No fatphobia or abelism. Missing limbs for your pirate costume is fine but like. No "mental patient" or some "psychopath" or stupid shit like that.

No terrorist. What the hell.

Before you dumbasses are like "Well I guess I'll just not because you're taking all of the fun out up it!" There's a lot of great ideas.

Cosplay characters (as long as you don't do blackface or yellowface. And any Japanese costumes don't include Japanese WW2 styles. You're good.) But fr you'd be suprised how many anime characters have Japanese WW2 clothing styles.

Puns. Everyone always loves a good cereal killer costume. Maybe Taco Belle?

Disney Princess. Same rule as above. No blackface or yellowface.

Animals are fun.

Superheros as long as you don't do blackface or yellowface.

Your favorite book character? Percy Jackson? Dracula? Frankenstein?

Fantasy creatures? Goblins and witches are fine if you don't use antisemitic trope. Werewolves are fine if you don't do anti-indigenous tropes. Vampires. Dragons.

Horror movie villains? There's a lot of good ideas there, as long as your villains don't use anti-indigenous or voodoo or hoodoo tropes.

SCPs

Professions? Firefighter? Teacher? I'll even accept a cop if you want to make a pig joke.

A good period costume? Like a gentleman with ba monocle and cane or a lady in a hoop skirt? As long as it's not Nazis, WW2 Japan, Indigenous, or otherwise offensive.

There's like, so many amazing ideas without being a racist dickwad. And I'd LOVE to see some dragons or SCPs this Halloween. Or some really awesome book character that you hyperfocused on. That'd be SO COOL.

(If you dress up as your favorite book character, feel free to take a picture and send it to the author. That makes their fucking DAY.)

But fr. There's SO many options without being a bigoted asshole, and quite honestly I think those options would be more creative and unique and STAND OUT.

Seriously, though. If I see any kids dressed as dragons, they can have the whole damn candy bowl.

-fae

[leossmoonn]

can i request a fic with stefan where the reader loses her memories (like stefan did in s5) so stefan takes her out to all the places that are special to their relationship and he tells her all about how they used to date and how she loved him and all and then at the end she kisses him ❤️

if not that's okay! have a good day and make sure to drink some water ❤️❤️

okay ill be honest i dont remember anything of tvd from season 4 and on bc it was just so boring to me but YES I CAN DK THIS. and thank you! i hope you have a good day, and hydrate too <33 mwah!

masterlist

warnings / includes - mild language, crying, sad stefan, kissing, eating and food, talk about sex. oh and youre a vampire and grew up w stefan and damon :)) and you’ve been dating stefan ever since you two turned into vampires and you two have been married for 50 years! (yay) . not really edited

————

“can’t you just do your voodoo magic and fix her?”

“that’s not how it works, damon.”

“well, it works whenever elena needs it. just admit it, you don’t like y/n.”

“i do! this is just more complicated -”

“bullshit! i know you don’t know her very well, but we’ve known her since she was born. she’s my best friend and the love of my brother’s life, who, by the way, is about to go into a frenzy if you don’t fix her!”

“i’m trying! but whatever those traveler’s did, i don’t think i can reverse it.”

“argh!” damon growled, putting his hands under a table and ripping it up.

“okay, you need to calm down,” bonnie said. “throwing a fit won’t help.”

“well, i can’t just stand here and watch her die!”

“she’s not dying, she’s just asleep. the doctor said she will wake up soon.”

“oh, as if the doctor knows anything,” damon muttered.

“she actually knows a lot, and we’ll give her the treatments the doctor recommends before we try any magic.”

damon sighed, running his hands over his face. he looked over to you, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. he walked over to you, holding your hand in his.

“please wake up, y/n. please.”

it seemed as damon’s wishes were granted. your eyes fluttered open, a soft groan filled your throat as you tried to move your head back and forth. you peered at bonnie and damon, brows furrowing.

“who are you? and why-why are you holding my hand? get away from me!” you hissed, barring your fangs.

“well, she definitely knows she a vampire,” damon muttered.

bonnie ignored him, coming over to you tentatively. “hey, y/n. do you know who i am?”

“no. i-i want to go home. where am i? why-why does this look so strange? hospitals at home don’t look like this,” you gasped as you looked around your room.

“is she still stuck in the 1800s?” bonnie asked.

“let’s see. uh, y/n, what’s the date?” damon asked.

“1866, right?” you guessed.

“oh, shit,” damon muttered.

“what’s wrong?” you frowned. “y/n, you’re in the 21st century. it’s 2013,” bonnie explained.

your eyes bugged out of your head. “what? how-how can this be? you’re lying! you’re some witch! katherine warned me that you would try to trick me. who are you with? wha-what do you want from me?!”

“okay, crazy pants,” damon sighed. “do you know who i am?” he asked.

you took a good, hard look. “you look familiar… like you’re from a dream.”

“good, good, but do you know my name?”

your brain scrambled for the answer, but it all came up was blank.

“no, i’m sorry.”

“well, crap,” damon muttered. “what if we get stefan? he’s been her boyfriend for like, a hundred and fifty years. plus, they’ve been married for 50. she’s got to remember him,” bonnie suggested.

“yeah, okay,” damon nodded. “go and get him. i’ll stay with her.”

“why don’t i stay with her, and you go get stefan. you might irritate her enough to make her snap your neck,” bonnie snorted.

“fine. i’ll be back in a second. try to use your powers on her,” damon asked.

“no. now go,” bonnie shooed away damon.

he left, zooming through the halls to go and find his brother. meanwhile, bonnie went to sit next to you, taking your hand in hers.

“what are you doing. i said don’t touch me,” you hissed.

“what is your name?” bonnie asked.

“y/n,” you said. “what’s your full name?” she asked.

“y/n l/n,” you answered. “why are you asking me this? do you think i do not know my name?”

“no, no. i just…” bonnie sighed. “what’s your mother’s name?”

“louise,” you said. “and your father’s?” bonnie asked.

“martin. and before you ask, my sister and brother’s names are anna and christopher. are you studying me or something? oh, my… i-i swear i’m not dangerous. i don’t feed on people. not usually, anyways. please, spare me. if you want a real vampire, catch katherine pierce. her real name is katerina petrova. or klaus mikaelson, his whole family needs to be killed. please, i -”

“i’m not going to kill you. no one is going to kill you. and katherine is already dead,” bonnie explained.

“oh, really? well, then ignore what i said about her."

bonnie smiled a little. “it’s alright. do you remember anything that’s happened in the last 24 hours?”

“no, i’m sorry. i must ask again, where am i?” you questioned.

“well, you’re in 2013. about one hundred and forty-nine years from when you were turned into a vampire. that man who was here is damon salvatore. he’s been your best friend ever since you were born. you grew up together, and he turned you into a vampire. i’m bonnie bennett. i am… i have a sort of friendship with damon. i’m a witch from the bennett line. i am here to help you. we’re friends, too, actually.”

“oh,” you pursed your lips. “i’m sorry i don’t remember you. i think i remember one of your family members, though… emma, ella, em-”

“emily, yeah,” bonnie smiled. “well, it’s good to know i’m in good company,” you sighed.

“yes, you are. oh, and there’s one more person i forgot to mention. he’s damon’s brother, stefan. he’s your -”

“y/n!”

your head snapped to the door. a handsome young man stepped into the room, worrying filing his features.

“hello?” you frowned.

“it’s me, stefan. you’re husband,” the man said.

your eyes widened. “i-i- excuse me? my husband? i didn’t know i was-” your breath hitched as you saw the ring on your finger. it was a beautiful silver ring with a blue jewel in the middle, stefan and your name carved in the middle of it.

“oh,” you gasped.

“do you remember me?” he asked, coming closer to you.

you looked back up at him, furrowing your brows as you tried to remember. you shook your head in disappointment. “no, i’m sorry. i wish i could. what happened to me that i can’t remember my own husband?"

“travelers took your memory,” bonnie answered. “travelers? l-like the evil witches?” you guessed.

“yes, precisely,” bonnie nodded.

“well, can you get back my memories? you’re a witch, right?” you asked her.

“exactly! that’s what i was saying. i’m so glad someone gets it!” damon exclaimed.

“i-i’m sorry, who are you again?” you frowned. “damon. i’m damon salvatore. the best salvatore, and your best friend,” he grinned.

“oh, right - damon. and you’re uh, you’re bonnie, correct?” you turned to the brunette.

“i am,” bonnie nodded.

“and you’re…“ you turned to stefan.

hope was shining in his dazzling green eyes. his lips were pulled into a frown, his brows furrowed as tears clouded his eyes.

“you’re stefan! my, uh, my husband whom i can’t remember. i’m so sorry, again.”

“it’s okay,” he sighed. “you just woke up. you’ll probably remember later.”

“yes,” you nodded, “that’s probably it.”

just then, the doctor came in. she checked you out, telling you that you had to stay in the hospital one more night before you could be discharged. after she left, damon, bonnie, and stefan made up a plan.

“i can’t just put her memories back. i don’t have any access to them,” bonnie said.

“can’t you just pull them out of the air or something?” damon asked.

“magic doesn’t work like that, damon,” bonnie glared.

“what if we take her to all her favorite places? places she’s been to lots of times,” stefan suggested.

“yes! that is a great idea, except for the fact that she thinks she’s in the 1800s and most things that were there have been torn down or rebuilt!” damon seethed.

“well, then what else are we supposed to do, damon! we can’t just sit here and hope that her memories will come back. what if they never do!” stefan yelled.

“shut up you two! you’re scaring her!” bonnie hit both of them, then pointing to you.

both of the salvatore’s face softened as they saw your eyes wide with fear.

“look, she doesn’t know you two yet. she doesn’t trust you two. she literally thought we were going to capture her for being a vampire. we need to just take it easy and gain her trust, which won’t be hard, i hope. but i think that stefan’s idea is great. and stefan, you should be the one to do it. you deserve to build the strongest bond with her and to spend the most time with her,” bonnie explained.

stefan smiled at her gratefully. “thank you, bonnie.”

“of course, stefan,” she smiled back at him.

“what about me! i was her friend before you were even born!” damon poked stefan.

“she was literally a baby, damon. she didn’t even know who you were,” stefan scoffed.

“oh, she did. and she loved playing peek-a-boo with me,” damon huffed.

“well, i’ve been her actual best friend just a few months after she was born. you’ve been like the brother she’s never had,” stefan stated.

“same difference.” damon rolled his eyes.

“b-bonnie?” you stammered.

“yeah, what do you need?” bonnie came over to you immediately.

“um, i need to use the bathroom.” you whispered.

“oh, yeah, of course. gentlemen, please exit the room.” bonnie said to the two men.

“alright. hey, y/n, you hungry? we can get you something to eat,” damon asked.

“yes. i’m famished, honestly. um, can i have some meatloaf, please? with some wine?” you requested.

“um, y/n, i’m afraid to inform you that -” damon started, but stefan cut him off.

“we’ll see what we can find,” stefan said.

“thank you… stefan, was it?” you guessed.

“yeah. it’s stefan,” he smiled. “okay, c’mon, lover boy. the lady needs to use the restroom,” damon grabbed stefan, dragging him out of your room and shutting the door.

bonnie then helped you out of the bed and into the restroom, waiting behind the door until you called for help.

“thank you so much. your kindness is very much appreciated.” you smiled at her as she helped you back to bed.

“it’s not a problem.” bonnie sighed with a smile.

“will you be able to get my memories back?” you asked.

“um… no. not right now, i’m sorry,” bonnie frowned.

“oh, well, it’s alright. maybe it’s for the better. i can’t imagine all the horrible things i must have done to you and your friends,” you laughed sourly.

“what do you mean?” bonnie asked.

“well, i… i overheard you a little when i was waking up. damon said that you didn’t like me much. i don’t blame you, i mean, i can be crass and judgmental, but i’ve changed over the years. i-i think, at least. otherwise i suppose i would be dead from those travelers now. no one wants to help a horrible person,” you explained.

“well, you’re not horrible, at all. for someone who has been with damon for like, almost two hundred years, you’re very kind. you’re also very funny and you try to help people the best you can.”

“oh, thank you,” you smiled shyly. “um… what do you mean about being with damon?”

“oh, he’s just um… not my favorite person to be around is all. you’ll see,” bonnie chuckled.

“i think i have, a little,” you giggled. “but he seems to care a lot about me. i suppose he’s known me since i’ve been born.”

“no, he does. honestly, like stefan said earlier, damon is the older brother you never bad.”

“and stefan, he is supposed to be my best friend and lover?”

bonnie smiled, “yes.”

“can you tell me about stefan? do-do you know him well?” you asked.

“i do, actually. he’s so kind, always wanting to help people and be the best. i swear, he works himself to death trying to be the hero. he’s very level-headed and extremely smart. he’s more mellow than damon, definitely, but he has his funny, savage moments. he’s dealt with a lot of pain in his years, and you’ve been there to experience it all. in fact, he always tells us how you are his light. it’s really sweet. i wish someone talked about me like that.”

heat crept up your neck and you couldn’t help but smile. “well, i understand why i fell in love with him, then.”

bonnie chuckled, “yeah, he’s a great guy. he’s probably more rough around the edges now than he used to be, though.”

“well, that’s what happens when you’ve lived for so long,” you chuckled. “i personally think i’ve softened over the years. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to be so quick and temperamental. my mother always tried to reprimand me, but i had a mind of my own, i guess. or that’s what my father used to say. now that i think about it, i think stefan is the reason why i have changed. he’s seemed to rub off on me.”

“wait, are you starting to get your memory back?” bonnie asked, getting excited.

“no, i’m afraid not. well, not of current things. i just am remembering things about myself. i still don’t remember damon or stefan,” you frowned

“oh, well, it’s okay. you only woke up an hour ago. we’ll give it time.” bonnie patted your arm.

“thank you. you must forgive me, i’ve always had a horrible memory. and now with mine taken away, i probably will be a burden.”

“no, no,” bonnie shook her head. “please, you’re our friend. i’m sorry if damon made it seem like i don’t like you, but i do. we just don’t spend time with each other that much, but we definitely will now.”

“i hope you don’t mind it, then.”

“i definitely don’t, don’t worry.”

you two sat in a comfortable silence, stefan and damon coming back only a few minutes later.

“so, you can’t have any wine, so we got you the next best thing: grape juice. and we also didn’t find any meatloaf, but we did find some spaghetti and meatballs,” damon said, setting it all down on the table.

“oh, thank you two so much.” you smiled. you began to get up, your feet slipping suddenly.

stefan rushed to catch you, his hands going under your arms. your eyes met his immediately, your breath getting caught in your lungs. you fell into a sort of a daze as he lifted you back up on your feet.

“my, you’re handsome,” you muttered.

“thank you. you’re beautiful,” stefan smiled.

your jaw fell open, your eyes widening. “o-oh. did i say that out loud? i am so sorry -”

“no, it’s okay. it was really nice to hear that,” he assured you.

“alright, thank you,” you smiled. “of course. my pleasure.” he let go of you, pulling out a chair.

“so, i say we compel the doctor to let you go home now so we can get this show on the road!” damon announced.

“no, they need to monitor her-”

“she’s a freaking vampire, bonnie!” damon exclaimed in a hushed whisper. he then turned to you. “you feel fine, right?”

“yes. a lot better now that i’ve eaten,” you answered.

damon grinned, clapping his hands. “see? she’s fine. i say we get her into her room and let her sleep in her bed.”

“damon, that’s not-”

“excuse me,” you interrupted stefan, peering at him through your eyes. “if you don’t mind me interjecting, i’d quite like to go home. and damon is right, i am a vampire so besides my memories, my body has healed me completely.”

stefan looked at you for a few moments, sighing before talking again. “yeah, that makes sense. are you sure you’re okay to go home? i mean, you almost slipped -”

“i am okay, stefan,” you smiled. “these floors are quite slippery with these socks on.” you moved your feet to show them.

“right,” he nodded. “okay, well, damon? i assume i can trust you to compel the doctors?”

“on it!” damon grinned, rushing out the door.

“is he always this eager to help?” you asked. “only when it comes to you,” stefan chuckled.

“well, i suppose that’s okay, for now,” you hummed.

“yes. you are our first priority,” stefan smiled.

“oh, please don’t let me ruin your daily routine. like you said, damon likes helping me. he seems to not have anything important to do, anyways, no offense.” you lowered your head sheepishly. “but he can help me while you two go to school and such. do you go to high school still?”

“no, we don’t. well, stefan doesn’t, anyways,” bonnie chuckled. “i’m going to college in the fall.”

“oh, that’s wonderful! i see the women have made lots of improvements. what are you going to study?” you asked.

“research and analysis. it’s not really a study, but that’s what i’m majoring in.”

“wow, you must be so smart, then. good for you. i wish i went to college,” you frowned slightly. “

“you did,” stefan spoke up. “oh? what did i study?” you perked up.

“literature. you went around the world teaching english and literature. part of it was to fit in as a human, but another part was because you always had a passion for it.”

“sounds like me,” you smiled. “i loved reading so much. i remember my mother had to hide my books for when we ate dinner.”

“woah, you’re remembering things now?” damon walked into the toom

“not really. i’m only remembering things about myself and my family.”

“damn,” damon muttered. “it’s alright,” stefan said. “anyways, we good to go?”

“indeed we are. let’s roll,” damon said.

stefan helped you out of your seat. you took out your IV, damon rushing you to his car.

“wow. this is beautiful,” you admired his chevy.

“i know! she’s my pride and joy.” damon sighed happily as he opened the door for you.

“thank you,” you smiled at him. he returned the smile, getting into the passenger seat.

“i’ll drive her home, i-”

“actually, can stefan drive me? i’d like to get to know him more. he is my husband, after all,” you said.

stefan’s chest swelled with happiness, his lips upturning into a bright smile.

“i suppose. don’t total my car,” damon warned stefan.

“no promises,” stefan smirked, getting in the driver’s seat. “you know i’m kidding, right? i won’t crash the car.”

“i know, don’t worry,” you smiled. “great,” stefan breathed out as he started the car.

“this is amazing technology. so much faster than the horses.”

“yep. it’s amazing how far we’ve come.”

you nodded, turning your head to look at him. you looked down at his left hand, smiling a little as you saw a silver wedding band.

“how long have we been married for?” you asked.

“50 years. 51 this summer,” he answered. “how long did we date for?” you asked.

“well, we actually didn’t date until we turned vampires. as you probably know, your emotions are heightened once you turn. and our crushes on each other were just too much to ignore, we started dating. we helped each other out a lot, you helped more than me. i mean, i-i was a wreck. with katherine turning us into vampires and all, me killing my dad, damon abandoning me. you were the only person who stuck by me. you know, you were, and still are, my light,” he explained.

you grinned, “bonnie told me that that’s what you call me.”

“ah, she’s told you about me, then. what did she say?” he asked.

“well, she said that you’re very kind and are always wanting to help people. she also said that you are smart and serious, but that you have your breaking moments. she also said that you have experienced a lot of pain. i am sorry to hear that,” you frowned.

“bonnie is very kind. too kind, actually.”

“oh, don’t say that. i happen to think it’s all true. just from what i’ve seen today.”

“thank you. i’m glad i’ve made a good impression.”

“well, you are my husband, so i would think that what bonnie said is true.”

“makes sense,” he nodded. “so, where do i live? with you, i presume?” you questioned.

“yes, and with damon. we live in the salvatore boarding house. it was built for uh, well, boarding in mystic falls.”

“do we have separate rooms?” you asked.

“u-um, no. but, if you’re not comfortable with that, there are plenty of spare rooms-"

"no," you said quickly.

stefan glanced at you, eyes wide in surprise. you chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of your neck.

"u-um, what i mean is that it is okay. i'll get to know your quicker if we share a room. just um, let me have my privacy?" you requested.

"of course, of course," he nodded. "lovely," you exhaled deeply.

you looked out of your window, observing all the people walking around town square.

"so much has changed," you said, a little nostalgic.

"i know, it's crazy," stefan laughed. "but, i'll take you to all the old places we used to go, and the new ones you have gown accustomed to."

"sounds like a deal. you know, i'm excited. is that um… strange that i am so lively after having just woken up from my memories being taken away?" you chuckled a little.

"no, no, not at all. you were always really happy and upbeat, even on the darkest days. that's one of the reasons why i fell in love with you. you may not believe this, but, i'm kind of a debby-downer. you keep it light and fun, much like damon, actually. seems as though all that time you spent with him, as young as you were, you developed someone his behaviour."

"is that a bad thing? bonnie insinuated that damon isn't a good guy," you frowned.

"no, no. you're different. you pick and choose when to be a little um… eccentric. damon just says whatever comes out of his mouth, no matter what the situation is."

"i suppose that's another reason why you love me?" you grinned. "yes, you suppose right," he nodded.

"is this the boarding house?" you pointed to the mansion stefan was pulling in to.

"yes, it is. and, you can call it your home. that's what it is," stefan said.

"alright. it's beautiful." you admired the front.

"it's even better inside. especially our bedroom. you really know how to decorate." he got out of the car, opening the door for you.

"you're very chivalrous. i like it," you giggled. "well, anything for my girl," he flashed a warm smile.

your stomach flipped suddenly, a similar feeling to your heart hammering in your chest awakened. if your heart was still alive, then you it would be palpitating and ramming into your ribcage. you smiled back at him, getting out of the car.

you two walked together to the front, stefan opening the door without unlocking it.

"do we always keep the door unlocked?" you asked. "yeah. you know, the only people we are really worried about are vampires and well, you can't get in unless you invite them in," he answered.

"oh, right. well, that's nice. we don't have to worry so much about security," you said as you stepped inside.

he nodded in agreement, closing the door behind him once you two went inside.

"wow. you're right, it is better inside," you gasped. "mmhm. so, let me show you around. this is the grand study. it was mostly used by our nephew zach, but damon killed him as soon as he got here," stefan sighed.

"o-oh. and damon is supposed to be my best friend?"

"he's better than that, don't worry. you'll see, you'll remember," stefan patted your back.

"alright," you nodded. "anyways, right here is the library's and just out here is the grand hall. here is the dining room and the living room. back there is the kitchen, and next to it is the hearth room." stefan walked you around the house.

"it's amazing. wow, and to think this is my home," you laughed. "yep, all yours," stefan smiled as he heard your laugh.

he admired you as you walked through the living room, feeling around the bookshelves and the furniture. he missed this, seeing you back at home. before you woke up in the hospital, you had been kidnapped and tortured for two weeks before the travelers dumped you in the backyard of your house. after that, stefan rushed you to the hospital and about a day later you were awake. and now here you were, making yourself at home again. you looked so pretty in the setting sunlight. stefan almost wanted to cry at the relief of finally having you home.

"show me the upstairs?" your voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"yeah, yeah, of course," he nodded. he reached his hand out to you, you taking it graciously.

you both smiled at each other, stefan leading you up the stairs.

"so, up here is damon's room. that's where elena, his girlfriend, and him usually are. they have so much sex, you won't be able to get much rest here," stefan snorted.

"i'll make sure to wear my earplugs," you giggled.

stefan smiled at you, walking you to the next rooms. "these are the baths. and right here is our room. every other room up here is a guest room, but uh, this is the main event, i suppose." he opened the bedroom door, letting you peer inside of it.

he was right, you were a great decorator.

the room had green walls, bookshelves on the walls, and a few plants here and there. there was a big bed in the middle with gray sheets, pictures of the two of you hanging above the bed frame. there was a desk and chair in the middle of the room, books and papers strewn all over the desk top. there were picture of you two all over the walls, making you smile whilst also crying.

"what's wrong?" stefan rushed to you.

"oh, it's nothing. i just…" you sighed, turning to him. "these pictures are so lovely. i-i wish i could remember these events."

stefan took your hand in his, giving you a small smile. "don't worry about it. it's not your fault that you can remember.”

"right," you nodded, still disappointed in yourself.

"why don't we go and walk around town? maybe that'll help get your memories back," stefan suggested.

"that sounds fun, but i don't think walking around will reverse dark magic," you joked.

stefan chuckled, nodding in agreement. "you're right, but, you're starting to remember your own childhood. we don't know what the travelers took from you, so maybe they didn't take the memories of you and i. you might just have amnesia."

"i'd love to do anything to try and remember," you said. "me, too. before we go, do you want to change clothes? you've had these clothes on for two weeks," stefan gestured to your ripped shirt and dirty jeans.

"oh, yes. i didn't even realise i was wearing these." you looked down at your legs, eyes widening at the fact you were wearing pants. "when did they invent these?"

"1873, but women still couldn't wear them until the 19th century. and even then, women didn't wear them as regular clothing until the mid-20th century," he explained.

“well, i’m glad that i’ve stayed alive this long to be able to wear these. what are they called again?” you asked.

“jeans,” stefan answered. he walked over to your closet, opening it and presenting all your clothes. “and you have lots of jeans. so, go ahead and get changed into whatever. if you want to shower then go ahead, the bathroom is to the right.”

you nodded, “thank you. i’ll be done in a few minutes.”

“no problem. take your time,” he smiled.

you returned the expression, watching him as he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

you went to your closet, running your hands over your clothes. you had lots of grey, purple, and blue shirts. you saw lots of ripped jeans, some were their regular blue and others were white or black. you chose a light purple, short- sleeved shirt and a pair of dark-wash jeans. you found a pair of black panties and a black bra to match.

you went into the bathroom, turning the shower on and undressing. you put your dirty clothes in a near pile on the floor as you didn’t know where the hamper was. you set your clean clothes onto the bathroom sink, jumping into the shower.

the hot water felt so good, it was hard to get out, but you didn’t want to keep stefan waiting too long. you dried off quickly, looking at yourself in the mirror after you got dressed. you didn’t realize, but you were very dirty and tired-looking before showering. you looked better now. more awake, clean, and pretty.

you didn’t bother putting on makeup, not even knowing where you kept it. you went downstairs, finding stefan in the living room reading a book.

“i am ready,” you announced.

stefan looked up, jaw dropping as he looked over you.

“you look gorgeous,” he spoke.

you smiled shyly, lowering your head in bashfulness. “thank you. it’s not much, just a comfortable outfit.”

“doesn’t matter. you look amazing,” he shrugged.

“thank you, again.”

“of course,” he smiled. “let’s go ahead and go, yeah?”

you nodded, slipping on your shoes as you followed him out to the garage. you got into stefan’s car, driving back to town square.

“a lot of places have been built or torn down. i’m going to take you to the places we used to go to in this century, then go to the places from long ago that have been torn down,” he explained.

“sounds good,” you nodded.

he parked next to the strip mall, getting out and opening the door for you.

“are men still as chivalrous as you?” you jumped out of the car.

“no, not at all, but i like to be known as a gentleman. it sets a good first impression,” he answered.

“that’s sad,” you frowned. “it is. honestly, most guys nowadays are jerks and are selfish. no one teaches kindness anymore,” he sighed.

“well, i’m thankful i chose a man who still cares about those things. it really reflects on what kind of man you are.”

“i agree,” stefan nodded.

you two walked onto the side walk, stefan lacing your fingers together and guiding you into a store.

“this is your favorite store in the whole

town square. you always rave about the good deals and i’ve bought you lots of jewelry here,” he explained.

you hummed in reply, looking over the store. “it’s quaint. i see how it would appeal to me.”

“yeah, this store is the most popular one here, i’m pretty sure.”

“the owner must be rich, then.”

“probably is,” stefan nodded.

he then led you out of the store, explaining all the other stores and restaurants in the town square before stopping and showing you a specific place you liked.

“this is the grill, the most popular restaurant here. you and caroline, who you have yet to meet, love to sing karaoke here. you and bonnie and elena, who again, you have yet to meet, play pool here and get tipsy on the weekend.”

“what is karaoke and pool?” you questioned.

“karaoke is when you pick a song you like, and you sing it with a friend, or sometimes yourself. a lot of bars have karaoke, and some restaurants do, like this one. it’s just a fun activity for drunk people, honestly. and pool

is this game over there. you see those people

shooting the balls with the sticks?” he pointed across the room.

you studied them, seeing as they would curse in disappeared, or jump and clap in happiness.

“yes, it looks fun.”

“it is, and you’re quite good at it. maybe tomorrow you can meet everyone else and i’ll teach you how to play,” he suggested.

“i would like that very much,” you smiled.

“me, too,” he smiled back. “are you hungry? we can take a break from walking and get something to eat.”

“my stomach does ache a little. what kind of food do they have here?”

“burgers, fries, salad. classic american stuff, basically. i can order what you usually do.”

“sure, but i’m afraid to tell you that i have no money,” you sighed.

“it’s not a problem. this is my treat. plus, we have a joint bank account so, it doesn’t really matter who pays.””

“wow, that’s nice.”

“it definitely is.”

stefan then led you to a small booth, ordering immediately once the waiter came.

“tell me more about yourself,” you prompted.

stefan stared at you, not expecting you to want to know about him. it wasn’t completely surprising, but you just seemed a lot more interested in the town than him. he was happy that you asked, though. it reassured him that you two had a chance, even if you two had to rebuilt your relationship.

“okay, well, my birthday is november 1st, 1846. my favorite color is blue, my favorite type of alcohol is bourbon, but i do like a glass of whiskey every once in a while. one of my best friends was lexi branson. she was also your friend, too, but damon killed her for absolutely no reason.”

“oh, my - i am so sorry, stefan,” you gasped. “oh, it’s alright. damon has uh, since proved himself to be better… unfortunately,” stefan sighed.

you put your hand on his, looking him in the eyes.

“it’s not alright, stefan. i know you say damon is a lot better than people say, and that he has proven himself better, but that doesn’t justify what he did. i’m so sorry you lost lexi. i understand what it is it like to lose someone so close to you. i’m sure you remember, but i lost christopher only a few years after we became vampires. i don’t remember all of it, but i do remember terrorizing a whole village because of the anger and depression i felt. i’m sure lexi was an amazing young woman. one day, i would love it if you told me more about her.”

stefan smiled at you gratefully, eyes prickling with tears. “thank you, y/n. it means a lot to me. and yes, i’d love to tell you about her.”

“fantastic.” you squeezed his hand for support, the gesture warming his chest. “anyways, go on,” you said, keeping your hand on his.

“alright. well, i love i love lucy, which is a ‘50s sitcom that, funnily enough, you hated,” he chuckled.

“what is a sitcom and why did i hate it?” your brows knitted together in confusion.

“well, a sitcom is a comedy tv show. and a tv show is content that is broadcasted onto something that is called a television, which was the big black screen in the living room of our house. sitcom is a type of tv show. there are sitcoms, dramas, romance, horror, and lots of others. a lot of these genres bleed together, much like books. and as for why you hated the show, you just thought it was annoying because i would watch it all the time.”

“well, i do have a short temperament, so that explains it, i suppose. that tv show thing is a little confusing. can you show me how it works when we get home?”

“yes, of course. i can show you your favorite tv shows and movies,” he nodded eagerly.

“lovely,” you smiled at his enthusiasm. “so, what else do you like?”

“well, i am a fan of scorcese, who is a famous tv director. he directed taxi driver, which is a film i am a fan of. i love to cook, and i’m quite good at it, if i do say so myself. um, let’s see… what else is there…” he trailed off, looking at the table as he thought. “i am a bit or a hoarder, as you probably could see in our room. i enjoy any and all types of music, i have a rose tattoo on my right shoulder, and i am a scorpio, if that means anything to do.”

he looked back up at you, the tips of his ears turning pink as he realized you were staring and smiling at him the whole time.

“why’re you looking at me like that?” he asked.

“it’s just nice hearing all these things about you. i can piece together who you are, who the man i am married to is. it’s obvious you don’t open up to people a lot, and i appreciate you doing that with me,” you explained.

“oh, well, it’s no problem. you’ll remember all these things, anyways. but this is just surface level stuff, nothing special.”

“i think it is special and important. now that i know you a little better, i’m able to talk to you more and be more comfortable.”

“mm, that’s true,” he nodded.

you gave him a small smile, your food then arriving.

“wow, this is a lot,” you chuckled, looking at the cheeseburger and fries.

“it’s really good, too,” stefan said.

“how do i eat this?” you asked. “pick it up in your hands and take a bite, like this.” stefan took a bite of his burger and fries.

you followed in suit, groaning in pleasure.

“my, they never had this food at home. this is delicious.”

“i know, right? so glad america stopped the wine and beef soup at dinner.”

you giggled, nodding in agreement. you two ate in silence, stefan paying before you two left.

“do you want to continue going around town, or are you tired?” stefan asked.

“i want to continue,” you stated.

“alright. time to go to all the torn down places now,” he sighed, walking you back to his car.

you two drove a little ways away from town square, finding yourselves at the cemetery.

“are anna, christoper, and my mother buried here?” you asked.

“yes, they are. do you want to see their graves?” stefan asked.

you sat in the car for a few moments, holding your seatbelt in thought. you shook your head as an answer.

“no, i would hate to put a damper on this lovely evening.”

“oh, well, it’s okay. you always manage to make things bright and happy, even when we’re visiting the cemetery, but if you really don’t want to, then i’ll take you to the salvatore estate, and where your house was located.”

“mm, i am sure. we can visit some other time,” you smiled.

he returned the expression. “alright.” he got out, going to open the door for you, but you had already jumped out.

“sorry, i um, wanted to see how the door works,” you admitted sheepishly.

stefan grinned, finding your curiosity adorable. “no worries. ready to go?”

“indeed i am,” you nodded.

you took the initiative and laced your fingers with his. stefan glanced at you, his chest swelling with joy. it was almost like old times.

“so, where is the salvatore estate?” you asked.

“it’s just a mile into the woods. there’s only a singular pillar there because it got torn down, but the pillar marks the spot where the house stood.”

“why did it get torn down? it was such a beautiful home. surely someone from these days would want to live in it,” you frowned.

“you’d think that, but i guess folks these days want something more modern. but, wait, do you remember my house?” hope filled his eyes, carrying all the way through his voice.

“i think i do. it seems… familiar in my mind. i remember the front of the house, the beautiful entrance and the pretty rose bushes, the steps that led up to the door. i remember a room… it was of medium size. there was a big bed in the middle, a deep-sea blue carpet under it. there was a bug mirror across from the bed, a painting or two hung up on the walls. there was a small desk in the corner next to the closet. the room is very empty, but it brings back feelings of warmth and calmness.”

“yeah, that was my room. you spent most of your summer’s in there with me.”

“oh,” your eyes lit up. “you said that we didn’t officially get together until after we were vampires, but i remember being in the bed in lots of white, button-up shirts. did we-?” you looked to him, eyes wide and hoping he would say yes.

his cheeks were tainted pink as he nodded. “yes, we had lots of fun nights, but not all of them consisted of sex.”

“i see,” you nodded, a little smile on your face. “what else did we do besides sleep together, then?”

“well, most times we just laid there in each other’s arms. sometimes i would read to you and you would fall asleep in my arms. other times we danced, sang, talked about the future together. and let me tell you, we definitely did not imagine an eternity together, but i’m really glad it turned out that way. despite all the pain we suffered.”

your chest warmed as you imagine you two in the 1800s, doing more and being more than just friends with intimate relations.

“does damon know of this?” you questioned.

“he does, but no one else doesn’t. to make things easier, we just told everyone that we started dating after we became vampires, and that we got married in 1963, which we did.”

“and how was the wedding?” you asked.

“the best night of my life,” he grinned. “we have lots of pictures of that night in the living room and our room, which i will show you when we get back.”

“i can’t wait,” you smiled giddily.

you squeezed stefan’s hand, the gesture making both of your body’s shiver.

“here it is,” he said, taking you closer to the singular pillar.

you let go of his hand slowly, walking around the property. you closed your eyes, feeling the cool breeze fan your face. you stood in the middle, right where the living room be. lots of memories then flooded back to you, making you snap your eyes open.

“your father didn’t like us together,” you stated.

stefan furrowed his brows. “yes, how-how do you know that?”

you didn’t answer him, continuing to reminisce.

“i was meant to wed damon, yet, i fell in love with you. your mother would let us play together, knowing that the fate your father decided wasn’t going to happen. she accepted us. she actually liked us better together than damon and i. she thought damon was too wild, too untamed to settle down so young. he was like her, in that way. but you, once you saw me at our first ball at age 14, you knew i was the one. i remember you telling me this one night on my sixteenth birthday. you had taken me up to your room, sneaking up extra cake for me, and we laid together on your bed. that was both of our first time that night - it was amazing. you told me before we went to bed about your growing feelings for me. that night we both said ‘i love you’ for the first time.”

stefan stared at you, mouth agape and tears welling in his eyes.

“you-you really remember that?”

“i do,” you smiled slowly at him. “i remember the marks you left on my skin, the joy i felt as you held my hand, the way i cried when you told me that you loved me. i-i’m afraid that this is all i remember, but -“

“no, no, it’s enough. it’s more than enough,” he sniffled, coming closer to you. he slipped his hand into yours, his other hand wrapping around your waist.

you smiled, putting your free hand on his cheek, rubbing your thumb up and down on his cheekbones. you looked into his eyes, studying his face as your hand went up and ran itself through his hair. you brought your hand back down to cup his cheek, your fingers dancing along his jawline.

“i also remember skipping school, playing football in the backyard, me wearing your shirt for the first time and it leading to us sleeping together again,” you giggled.

“how do you remember all of this?” he asked.

“the travelers must’ve just took all the important information about us, which we can deal with later. i want to enjoy this moment now,” you breathed out.

“thank god that they took that important stuff. it’s not that important once you think about it,” he nodded.

“i agree. i bet damon wouldn’t agree about that, though,” you joked.

“well, damon has never been madly in love until the last couple of years. but, me? i’m been in love with you forever.”

your lips spread widely and you looked deeply into his eyes, feeling yourself falling for him again.

“i love you,” you exhaled. stefan grinned, “i love you more.”

“nu-uh,” you shook your head. “mmhm,” he smirked.

you moved in closer, your nose bumping his softly. your eyes flickered down from his eyes to his lips multiple times before closing the gap. your lips met his in slow motion, immediately moving with his. his lips were soft and kissed you well, like he had done this a million times before, and couldn’t wait to do it again. he held you close against him, breathing in deeply at the taste of your lips. he felt at peace once again, whole and complete. and as for you, you felt alive.

every atom in your body was humming in pleasure. the feeling of his hands in your body, fitting right in with your curves, were like finally finishing a puzzle. it gave you butterflies, the way he tasted and smelled. the way he kissed you was delicious. it was gentle, but passionate. his lips worked against yours quickly, his tongue sliding against yours, eliciting a small moan from your throat. your teeth bumped each other gently, causing the kiss to then become fast, needy, hot.

you pulled away before anything else could commence, your chest heaving up and down. a line of spit broke off from your lips, breaking off as the breeze ran through it.

“remember anything else now?” stefan breathed out.

“just how much i’ve missed you,” you stated.

“i’ve missed you, too, baby. wanna go and see where old home was now?”

“yes, i’d love that,” you nodded. “great. come and follow me, then we can go home and i’ll make you your favorite meal, okay?” he suggested.

“that sounds amazing.”

“i’m so glad to have you back, y/n,” he squeezed your hand.

“i’m glad to be back.”

————

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[kyrianne]

What about Mad Mad House:

a 2004 reality television series about a group of ten contestants competing for $100,000. The contestants live together in a house inhabited by another group of people known as the alts (for their alternative lifestyles). The alts voted the contestants off by judging them on their ability to perform "trials" which were based loosely on the practices of each alt's lifestyle, and their behavior and attitude with the other guests.

The “Alts” were a Wiccan lady who claimed to be feminist and then proceeded to be a huge misogynist, a “Naturalist” aka nudist who doesn’t believe in modern medicine (and the guy is actually an incredibly controversial antivaxxer type apparently), a “Modern Primitive” who was actually the most grounded and decent of all of them, a “Voodoo Priestess” who was actually practicing Ifá and got sued by the National African Religion Congress for propagating misinformation, and a Vampire who for some reason kept his name Don and had the least charisma or camera presence I have ever seen on someone who should be oozing it

The whole thing is on Youtube and it’s a wild ride full of all kinds of cringe and problematic 2004-era bullshit

I do have to impress on anyone who wasn't around for it how batshit the reality boom of the 2000s could be. Especially on Fox.

Here are some 100% real 2000s reality shows:

Who's Your Daddy? A woman has to guess which of eight men is her biological father. One of them really is, and if she guesses right she wins $100,000. If one of the seven fake dads convinces her to guess them, he wins $100,000.

Black. White. A white family learns about racism by living a month in blackface, while a black family spends a month in whiteface. The black family was a real family, but the white family was just some actors hired to put on blackface to prove racism exists

Without Prejudice? Five strangers decide which of five strangers gets a cash prize based off clips and their answers to political questions. Cancelled when one of the choosers openly said he'd eliminate all black contestants

Welcome to the Neighborhood. Three conservative white families in a Austin subdivision decide which diverse family gets to move in. Unaired due to being literal housing discrimination

Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay. Two straight men try to pass themselves off as gay and whoever seems more gay gets $50,000. Unaired due to. Due to. Due to

Playing It Straight. A woman tries to find love among fourteen men, half of whom are straight and half of whom are gay, and she must eliminate two men she believes are gay each week. If she ended up picking a straight man in the end, they'd split a million dollars; if she picked a gay man, he'd win a million dollars

Boy Meets Boy. This was Playing It Straight but starring a gay man and he had to eliminate straight people

Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire? He wasn't a multimillionaire. He didn't even have a million dollars in liquid assets. He had a battery conviction Fox claims they didn't see. Because it was the 2000s, somehow this ended up with the woman he won being widely vilified and turned into a national punchline. How dare she complain about a massive corporation tricking her into marrying a lying abuser, good thing Matt Lauer's there to take her down a peg

The Swan. A "ugly" woman is given plastic surgery and wins a prize if she's the hottest at the end of the season. If she's not hot enough by the show's standards she's eliminated and called ugly on national TV

The Biggest Loser. Overweight people engage in competitive crash weight loss that often led to awful health complications. Studies showed basically everyone on the show regained any weight they lost once it was over and they didn't have abusive trainers demanding they take huge health risks to win a competitive weight loss competition. Like the others, this one was cancel-oh, it was a massive hit that ran for 18 seasons? Yikes!

Wife Swap and Trading Spouses. These were the same show and had a wife from one family go to another family that was different politically, racially, culturally, religiously etc. Most famous for the God Warrior

At the time people focused on the likes of Fear Factor but looking back it's wild how many of the worst shows toyed with politics. So many of these shows have a premise that's like "what if we exposed these conservatives to these people they hate?" or hyping themselves up as Important Experiments. Then they'd freak out when they got the kind of viral bigoted freakout they were trying to construct the whole time.

There were also a bunch of horrible reality shows, thankfully this time mostly unpopular, in the 2010s that based themselves around economic themes as a response to the market crash, but that's a story for another time

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember Day 2: Magic

Tesha knew nothing about witchcraft.

Neither did Erin.

Well, nothing  about REAL witchcraft, at least. Tesha had dated at least one pagan in college, but that had been ages ago and she had always approached the idea of actual magick with a benign skepticism. She politely played along with her friends’ horoscope and tarot card-readings but never got invested herself. Privately, she was pretty well convinced that it was all bullshit.

When she met Erin online, though, she had initially thought Erin was a true believer. She certainly DRESSED witchily (or, at least, like she had recently dropped some serious money at Hot Topic). She knew an awful lot about the topic.

But Erin wasn’t a believer either.

Not really.

But that didn’t mean the idea of being enchanted didn’t enormously turn her on.

In her brief time exploring the scene as a new hypnodomme, Tesha had met other subs who were into succubi and lamia and stage magicians and vampires and hypno clowns and spooky snakes- but she had never met anyone who was into witches before. And Erin was really, REALLY into witches. She fantasized constantly about being bewitched. She had apparently had REACTIONS to Disney movies starting at a VERY young age and had made an entire previous kinky niche for herself as a writer of dominatrix Professor McGonagall fanfics. Her eyes lit up when she talked about the subject. Tesha would have to remind her occasionally to slow down and breathe.

Honestly, Tesha didn’t entirely get it initially. She really liked Erin, though, and she especially enjoyed a challenge -so she threw herself into the role of being an incredibly powerful witch for her. She recalled witch figures from her own childhood for inspiration.  She made sure to listen carefully when Erin enthused and took really, really good notes.. She asked lots of  questions.

At first, it was mostly text role-play. Erin would pretend to be the brave wanderer lost in the woods and Tesha would be the seductive witch who lured her into a spooky house. It didn’t reaaally feel like hypnosis, Tesha thought, but it was fun seeing the way Erin’s messages would slow and simplify in response to being under a “spell”. THOSE hit some of Tesha’s mind control buttons- even when the scene itself  mostly felt like collaborative story writing.

Eventually Tesha wanted to do more with actual  hypnosis (she was getting really good at inductions!) so these role-plays become more directly hypnotic. They moved to video chatting so Tesha could see and hear all of Erin’s reactions. Video moved the scenes from an interesting experiment in Tesha’s mind to something really hot in its own right.  Erin was an incredibly expressive subject- she would moan and whimper and almost cross her eyes when she was turned on. Her breathing got fast and nervous when she was scared.

Tesha soaked up every reaction.

Then one day, Erin asked for more.

“Tesha,” she said, shyly. “what if it weren’t just role-play? What if you really WERE a witch?”

Immediately catching her drift, Tesha responded,“What makes you think I’m not?”

Erin made a tiny (adorable) gasp.

“After all,” Tesha had continued, “you’ve been feeling more and more entranced by me every time we’ve played, haven’t you?”

Erin nodded enthusiastically.

And so a new phase of their play began.

Tesha and Erin decided to meet up in person at a convention and realized that they only lived a few hours apart. During their first in-person scene, Tesha had bound Erin with kisses, telling her that each one would make her feel more and more entranced.

A few weeks later, she used a voodoo doll to bind Erin’s limbs and thoughts under her will. Erin couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t think unless Tesha allowed it.

A few weeks after that, she asked Erin to be her girlfriend.

From here, their games became more intense.  After a lot of negotiation, they even moved from doing individual scenes to a more full-time D/s dynamic. A part of this dynamic, Tesha had consent to cast “spells” on Erin whenever she wanted for whatever reason she chose. She could change her thoughts, her behavior- anything she wanted.

Tesha gleefully dove into researching more and more about actual rituals, witchcraft, and ancient lore.

On their morning phone call, she  would casually mention going out to the garden to get some basil for the love spell  she was going to cast on Erin later that day.

She found and wrote a nordic rune on Erin’s hands during their dates. This rune, she would explain, was meant for binding prisoners. It would ensure  Erin was magically forced to stay within 10 feet of her at all times.

On another date, Tesha  braided a strand of her hair into a woven bracelet and put it around Erin’s wrists. As long as Erin wore the bracelet, she told her, she would always and forever be bound to her. Erin had shivered as Tesha gently placed the bracelet around her wrists.

Now, Tesha looked down at Erin. She was  fast asleep on their new couch with  her head snuggled in her lap. It had been a long day of moving her stuff into her place. (Their place, she self corrected.) No wonder Erin was tired.

Tesha gently stroked her head and felt herself overcome with love and affection for her beautiful girlfriend. She remembered some reading she had done about  the threefold law. It was an old magickal theory that  everything a witch sent out into the world would come back to her at three times the power.

The books were right, she thought to herself. Binding spells WERE powerful. She should have known that they would go both ways.

Thank you to @spiralturquoise for reading over this!

[thehollowprince]

I love Legacies, but to be honest, Hope is so annoying but most of all when it comes to her family. Her family caused untold mayhem for centuries and Klaus was the worst. Her grandfather burnt towns and cities down, and worst of all her grandmother unleashed a curse that would never stop. Hope's selfness led to Hayley's,Poppy's, and Henry's death.

Her family has caused death and destruction wherever they went. Klaus definitely deserves the title of the great evil and she should stop acting her family especially Klaus never did anything to deserve the ire of everyone hell, even dead witches hated him!

I still haven't seen any of Legacies and I don't plan on it. There was a moment there during quarantine where I considered it, but I stopped myself. And there are a number of reasons I haven't watched. The first obviously being that I never finished The Originals and the second being the character of Hope herself.

I never liked Hope, even long before she was born, I never liked her. Way back when the backdoor pilot aired during season four of The Vampire Diaries, I was just happy to finally have the Mikaelson Family gone from Mystic Falls so we could get back to the Mystic Falls Gang. That being said, when I watched it and they revealed that Hayley was pregnant with Klaus' child, I remember very vividly shouting at the screen.

Really? We were going the Twilight route with a magical, miracle baby?

But, aside from the Mikaelson Melodrama, I was intrigued by the other aspects of the show. The war between the witches and the vampires piqued my interest, especially with Jane-Anne's use of ancestral magic, which was very clearly influenced by Louisiana Voodoo. Also, Marcel was really hot, and I'm not above admitting that I'm shallow.

Sadly, the aspects of the show that I liked dwindled fast. The magic was now just the same as TVD but with a blurry special effect. Marcel was usurped so that Klaus could reclaim the throne that he abandoned and they ruined everything I liked about characters like Elijah and Rebekah. Also, the creepy, pseudo-incestual relationship between Marcel and Rebekah 🤢. When they finally got to the birth of the baby (longest pregnancy ever) and they named her Hope, I actually booed.

What is it with these shows and movies always naming their daughters Hope? Can people really not think of any other name than the one that puts pressure on a child's shoulders to make the adults' lives better?

But I stuck around, because as much as I disliked the Mikaelsons, I liked the other aspects of the show. The supernatural gang war between the different covens and packs and factions was interesting, and almost enough to ignore the racism and the misogyny and how the writing treated New Orleans and how they completely rewrote the Mikaelsons' backstories. But the longer I stuck around the worse it got. Suddenly Hope was the most powerful witch to ever witch even though she was just an infant. And now she's a tribrid mix of werewolf, witch and vampire and blah blah blah. By the time they introduced her as a toddler, I was just waiting for the inevitable "my daddy was nice" bullshit, indicating that Hayley told her kid how Klaus was just misunderstood or whatever fantasy lived in Plec's head to justify her fixation on such abusive characters.

There's also the fact that they really double-down on the "family only means blood related" thing, which infuriated me to no end.

Halfway through season four I rage quit and so thankfully I was gone before teenage Hope was introduced. I couldn't stand to watch as the narrative went out of its way to forgive and erase the horrible deeds the Mikaelson Family, Klaus in particular, committed. For what reason, I don't know, but I couldn't sit through it. I was sicked by TVD using Bonnie and Caroline and Matt to forgive Damon in the final season of that shit show.

The only way I'd ever watch Legacies is if I knew they actually acknowledged Klaus and Damon and Elijah as the horrible people they were, and that's something Plec is never going to do.

There's also the whole format of now there are phoenixes and dragons and trolls? Really?

The sad thing is, they could have done so much just by exploring the wider world of the supernatural as opposed to following a few families between a small town in Virginia and the Crescent City. Show me what the vampires of New York City are like. Are the witches in Sedona New Age hippies? South America, Africa, Asia... so many places to explore and yet nothing!

[chemicalfuckboys]

If MCR Songs Were People

This probably already exists but I spent two hours doing this instead of sleeping. Tell me which song you’re most like.

Welcome to the Black Parade: has a flair for the dramatic, doesn't know how to do a smoky eye, was in the marching band in high school, daddy issues. Sleep: has insomnia, PTSD, nightmares, is self deprecating, just wants to go the fuck to sleep Destroya: probably gay, moans like a bitch during sex, pretty fucking hardcore, shit immune system though, lives for anarchy House of Wolves: will burn in hell (or believes they will), is a bad mother fucker, has a sister who should be scared, pyromaniac, "Catholic" Vampire Money: all over the place, drinks a lot but parties like a beast, has a Bowie obsession, likes driving fast and loud music Na Na Na: really artistic, pansexual, likes to scream lyrics, rebel at heart, probably still wears bandanas, sunglasses and boots all day every  day, fuck the government Cancer: is dying, will die, all of your friends will die, actually doesn't have any friends, really depressed, in pain, martyr S.I.N.G: activist, owns jeggins, would join an underground gang if they had the balls, likes neon things for some unknown reason Early Sunsets Over Monroeville: loves zombies, probably owns a Hawaiian   shirt, really quiet and doesn't talk much, hangs out in shopping centres/malls but never buys anything Demolition Lovers: is probably part of an underground gang, has to go away for "work" a lot, has a shotgun in the trunk of their car, teal,  unrequited love Helena: recent death in the family, super fucking dramatic, lots of makeup, always wears black (maybe some red), nail polish is always chipped, imagines/fantasises things that will never happen all the time Teenagers: super punk, goes to concerts all the time, will break shit just for fun, has authority issues, probably friends with a lot of delinquents, is a delinquent, doesn't read books, drinks a lot Famous Last Words: is constantly having an existential crisis, really   committed when it comes to relationships, cowboy boots, goes outside at midnight for no reason I Don't Love You: always heartbroken, never cuts hair, plays guitar,  goes on road trips when things get difficult, super emotional, cries a lot I'm Not Okay: is still in high school, I don't care if they're 39  they're still in high school, hates high school, does stupid shit all  the time because fuck it, high school, is not okay, is friends with  weird people, high school Mama: PTSD, self deprecating, mama's boy/girl/person, has a sick sense of humour, laughs manically for no reason, cutthroat You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison: probably gay, went to prison, had a fuck tonne of bitches (I'm kidding, they were actually the  bitch to a fuck tonne of other people), can't adjust, has issues with  family Headfirst for Halos: epic, is not okay, always trying to think  positively but is screaming inside, thinks about doing stupid shit all  the time (i.e. Putting a gun to their head) Vampires Will Never Hurt You: screams a lot, has a vampire fettish, hates Twilight with a passion, has never gone outside, wouldn't mind dying if I was a wooden stake to the heart, sucks dick The Ghost of You: fought in WWII, had a pretty girlfriend, wears round glasses with gold rims, is tall and lanky, has a brother, gets shot in  the chest, screams, dies The Light Behind Your Eyes: is finding ways to deal with severe depression, cries a bit but quietly, reads a lot of books, all their friends are dead, trying to stay strong despite the fact they're dying inside, sings like an angel Give 'em Hell Kid: lives life fast, probably has killed someone, wears red and like khaki green, shouts a lot, belongs in a 2005 MTV short, lives life on the edge, fatalistic To The End: has read Dante's Inferno, is a mafioso, fatalistic, has  probably organised the death of many people, likes to drink cyanide, sleeps a lot, owns diamond jewellery, likes cake The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You: has no faith in life, likes western movies, will yell at you, has  applied for a license to kill, likes to sleep with people (like nap I  mean) Thank You For The Venom: likes snakes, has probably almost OD'd, hates  the doctors, is stubborn, death obsessed, has probably stabbed someone, wears striped long sleeve t-shirts, hates running, hopes to be shot one day Hang 'Em High: is death obsessed, clinically insane, screams a lot,  always makes a lot of aesthetic statements about things with black and  white connotations, Catholic, fuck off It's Not a Fashion Statement It's a Fucking Death Wish: swears in front  of their parents, wears their mum's clothes, is obsessed with killing  enemies, is always predicting their death to be soon. Cemetery Drive: all too real, has a girlfriend, likes to hang out in  cemeteries, girlfriend has issues and ended her life, now has issues  because of it, drinks a lot, really fucking depressed I Never Told You What I Do For A Living: is 100% a serial killer, sociopath, also has OCD, scary as shit The End: is dying, but isn't too sad, wishes to attend their own funeral  as a ghost, has no self confidence, can't be fucking bothered growing  up, doesn't give a shit, is very chill, wears yellow accessories Dead!: Is dead, is having a party about being dead, wondering if all the  assholes in their life are in hell, no one actually likes them, laughs  at inappropriate moments, is a great dancer This Is How I Disappear: really fucking dramatic, will be upset and   disappear if you break up with them, dramatic, is a part time satanist, will make a voodoo doll of you if you fuck with them, candles The Sharpest Lives: goes out late at night, never showers, drinks   heavily, would probably go cannibal if it was legal, always in pain,   lives life on the fucking edge, will burn large objects, has sinus   issues Disenchanted: is constantly torn, never actually cries, writes books,  likes to take chances, likes birds, got in trouble with the police for  some stupid but really fun shit, friends need to get their shit together  and learn a lesson Bulletproof Heart: Gravity doesn't mean to much to them, has self  confidence but not enough to stop running away, runs away a lot, wears  really funky colourful clothing, is very kind but misunderstood Planetary GO!: goes to a lot of cool night clubs, knows how to fucking  party, is still very punk on the inside, sweats a lot (bc they dance a  lot), jumps up and down for no fucking reason The Only Hope For Me Is You: is obsessed with being remembered, only has  one friend, is kinda depressed and really needs someone to hold onto,  but is also really questioning life and society, wants to run away to a  more aesthetic place Party Poison: speaks fluent Japanese (cough I mean Weeaboo), watches a  lot of anime, loves Kpop and Jpop fashion, will party but goes to the  weirdest parties, dyes their hair, fuck the bullshit meaning of life  they do what they want Save Yourself I'll Hold Them Back: is a badass, known for being a  badass, stole your mum's car and took you on the best date ever, wears a  lot of leather, ready for a fight, probably gets into a lot of fights  anyway, probably once looked like Danny from Greece SCARECROW: is probably on LSD, smokes a lot of weed, is really chill,  too fucking chill, wears psychedelic t-shirts, is actually a  philosophical genius, reads a lot of poetry Summertime: they might go outside if it's summer, listens to music with  headphones on full blast, goes on the train a lot, likes to walk around  listening to music and pretends they're making the aesthetic parts of  the music video they're listening to, soft kitty The Kids From Yesterday: is constantly nostalgic, loves Star Wars and  Queen, always having flashbacks, wears yellow and read things, feels  misunderstood, trying to figure out the meaning of life Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us: likes Fall Out  Boy when they had long song titles, has issues, a lot of issues, ugly  screams a lot, doesn't care, wears dark denim jackets, hates this girl  who fucked their brother Drowning Lessons: has a lot of anxiety, constantly worried, always  running away from problems and situations, can't swim, always has  regrets, has pink things Our Lady Of Sorrows: was in a gang once, loves to get into switchblade fights, is really scary and bloodthirsty, believes in pagan gods, but   will protect you, blood blood blood. Skylines and Turnstiles: saw 9/11 happen, life was changed because of  it, decided that they wanted to be in a band, made a band with brother  and his fren, got some dreadlocked weed smoking fanboy to join, the  drummer is an asshole x3, breaks up after 12 years, deems it to be a  good idea, scared of butane This Is The Best Day Ever: this is the worst day ever, has no rhythm, is  really confused with what is going in, went to hospital a lot and hated  it, screams a bit, is a bit scared of needles, studded belts, suck dick Cubicles: will die alone (or at least they think), hates their job, the  only thing that entertains them at work is people gossiping at the water  cooler, is actually having a severe existential crisis Boy Division: is friends with people who would have a fucking rocking  funeral, stalks school girls, looks dead but only dresses that way,  likes to sing about California, paranoid all the time Tomorrow's Money: fell in love with a vampire, slightly aggressive, can  surf, stopped screaming three years ago, wants to be a doctor, hates   people who are thought of as heroes, ruined converses AMBULANCE: screams in an aesthetically pleasing way, thinks you know  nothing, super weird, goes out after dark, likes to drive big cars,  wouldn't mind driving, is super reliable even when they let you down Gun.: was probably conscripted into the military, actually hates   violence and guns, wants to stay at home all the time, likes to call the  shots, owns an old uniform that they'll never throw out The World Is Ugly: likes Blade Runner and fairy lights, thinks weird  people are very beautiful, insanely observant of other people's  behaviours, wears knee high socks and converses, hates the world because  it's terrible Kiss The Ring: belongs in an alternate universe where it's still the  medieval time but rock bands exist, is probably a contract killer, likes  to overthrow the king every five years, has really fucked up logic  about why it's okay to kill a lot of people, cutthroat Make Rooom!!!!: probably goes to discos, does not panic at them,  actually has some self confidence but always gets into stupid situations  and flails, wears the tightest pants in the world, wears earrings with  crosses on them Surrender the Night: constantly lonely, likes to drive long distances to  think, lost a loved one, has cool patches on their jacket, has been to  hospital twice, likes to listen to you, always keeps secrets unless you  fuck with them Burn Bright: likes going to the city just to look at all the lights,   walks around and thinks that certain things would look nice on Tumblr,   unstable, can be aggressive, very in tune with their surroundings, kind of a Buddhist Common People: your average person, always struggling financially, wears  a lot of blue, always falls in love with shallow rich girls for no  reason, really just wants to live however the fuck they want Every Snowflake Is Different: loves children's TV shows, goes to the  snow every year, loves winter and hot chocolate, will cry if you take  their toys away, will be a good parent, too busy having fun to give a  fuck Desolation Row: got beat up at school, is now in a cutthroat gang, spits  a lot, wears a lot of eyeliner, likes Grease but is also super punk  rock, hates wearing underwear, likes to break shit all the time Desert Song: is recovering from a drug addiction, is still in a really  dark place, trying to stay strong, is questioning the meaning of life,  probably had teal roots at some stage Black Dragon Fighting Society: drinks juice when they're killing because  it's fucking delicious, really likes dragons, reads too much, hates  society, would run away but that would mean no books and no juice so no  fucking way, likes hot pink and black Zero Percent: hates everyone, would kill everyone, really hates people,  does whatever the fuck they want, will kill everybody, will put zero   effort into school or work, does their own thing. Mastas of Ravenkroft: worried about growing old, has no self confidence,  will only have sex if the lights are turned off, feels very old at a  very young age because of shitty bones, also has no fucking chill F.T.W.W.W.: fuck society, is super digital, but also really retro,   always tells people to kiss their ass, lives in a futuristic society,   likes robots, has a licking fettish, likes to destroy shit, will   probably spit randomly We Don't Need Another Song About California: Summertime's long lost  twin, really doesn't give a shit about California, but likes the sun,  probably lives in Florida, hates magazines, probably has a fake name,  thinks that nothing matters All The Angels: is dying, has minutes left, girlfriend has issues   because she's a little risky, everything has gone wrong, everyone is   upset, probably died three years ago, never went to heaven, likes pretty  flowers and dead things Romance: a complete and utter 1800s Romantic, has probably ready  Frankenstein, wants to go on epic journeys, never showers, likes spices,  old fashioned, would probably get into the steampunk fashion thing Blood: is forever in the 1920s, was a war hero but hates themself,  laughs manically sometimes, has a thing for blood but hates vampires,  90% human wreckage, 23% awful fuck, 8% bad at math, 14% clueless

[felicitous-feline]

Beautiful Creatures - 2013; 46%/54% on Rotten Tomatoes; Gross USA: $19,452,138; Budget: $60,000,000 (estimated)

Well it’s not a total piece of shit, so there’s that. I don’t know, it definitely drags on and I hate the whole they’re destined to love each other and that as teens they meet the love of their life and their fates are forever intertwined bullshit. The acting isn’t awful, but good god the southern accents...I mean damn. As far as movies with witchcraft go I will always recommend Practical Magic and The Craft, both were favorites of teenage Allison and hold a special place in my heart. So I guess if you want to watch a trashy teen supernatural romance movie this is less problematic than Twilight since the female character actually has some agency and isn’t begging a super old vampire to just destroy her body with aggressive sex and perform a C section with his teeth so her other love interest can imprint upon the baby and want to fuck it. I never read the books, but I did play a drinking game to the first Twilight movie where you had to drink anytime the relationship seemed creepy or Bella looked constipated, so I remember about the first 15 minutes of the movie.

Real Time Notes:

This one is on Netflix, so I don’t have to search for it elsewhere, which is a plus. My recommendations and viewing history have long been destroyed, so this won’t place me on any sadder lists than I am already categorized into (I’m looking at you, Bee Movie lady!).

Alright, this motherfucker is TWO FULL HOURS long, and likely not worth it, though it has a very high Rotten Tomatoes rating...for what it is.

There aren’t a lot of screen caps online, so it probably sucks, but I am hoping this character that has a penchant for hats is in a Duckie like role.

Oh wow, the southern accent was a STRONG choice.

He is a fuck old high schooler.

Snyder’s product placement?

Zoey Deutch!

Death eatin a cracker?

Oh wow, an eyepatch?!?!

SOOOOO MANY CHOICES!

Momma sure says a lot of things.

Do people actually say all of these weird idioms?

Is this an opposite Twilight where the roles are reversed?!?!

Oooooh, how dreamy, he’s such an intellectual! I mean, look at his glasses!!!

I figured it would be a banned book.

How did the two male characters not get cut from the glass exploding?

Did we just become best friends?!?!

He is standing really close to her. Like uncomfortably close for not knowing each other really at all.

Sunglasses inside? Does he have creepy eyes?!?!

Damn it, nope.

It sounds weird.

Ummmmm. What the fuck is going on?

Oh no, he’s turning into Venom! Time to dance on the street and sing at a piano jazz bar!

What the fuck is that fluffy thing on him?

Her power is poetry? LAME!!!

Why does she keep calling him mortal? Is she not mortal? It implies she is immortal, and I don’t think she is. She said caster, not immortal being.

Hey, her tattoo changed. Is it a countdown to her birthday?

This is moving Sleeping Beauty fast.

Ford has a product placement too? Who is this movie for?

Alright, so Viola Davis is doing some weird backwoods swamp shit. Please tell me she practices voodoo.

A slavery allegory?

“Some things cannot be stopped” cue speeding car. Woof.

First hangover at 16? Damn.

This seems sexist...

What happened to your eye? Beep Bloop Blorp, do you understand me?

Ewww, they’re siblings? Definitely thought they were ex lovers.

Why are they playing the stereotypical love sting?

At least Ridley has weird eyes that explain the sunglasses.

She sure says cuz a lot.

I was really hoping someone would puke from the spinning.

Ah ha ha, that guy’s bangs!!!

I don’t understand why they didn’t tell her the truth from the start.

Still also don’t understand the curse...

Okay, so not vampire rules, that was confusing.

What the fuck? They’ve known each other for a couple months and her family is like, well they’re destined to love each other, he basically is responsible for her and owns her now? Come on!

Hooray, Viola Davis is literally a magical black person that helps the white protagonist.

They sure say bitch a lot.

Yeah, there’s no way this relationship would last long term.

Whoa, are they gonna fuck?!?! She’s 16 and I didn’t see any rubbers...

One of them sacrifices themself for the other, right?

Can this end soon? PLEASE!!!

Alright, that sermon is a little on the nose there...

I mean...just let him die...

Now that’s a storm.

Man, Macon sure made a big assumption there that she loves him.

...so did she kill her Mom or banish her? Or what?

What the fuck are those finger-less gloves?

He has to remember their “romance” at some point, right? I assume this was based on a book series and that would require that he continue to be her love interest.

And there it is. I’m surprised they didn’t throw in some rain or something to make it all Streetcar. LLLLEEEEEEENNNNNNAAAAA!

Now I’m thinking about Tommy Wisseau writhing around yelling Stella.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

THIS IS NOT SCIENCE

Context: Playing Rifts. My character was a vampire, but nobody knew I was a vampire. Vampires in Rifts are near-invulnerable. A nazi-like Coalition had caught up with our group in an attempt to destroy us. A fight ensued. My character got blasted on by 10 soldiers.

GM: All of you watch as this man gets absolutely pelted with wave after wave of laser bullets. His body topples and goes flying in to a wall. To your astonishment, he gets back up, his clothes a mess but otherwise unharmed. The soldiers all scramble to reload their guns in horror.

Medic: *shuffles through his biology book* THIS IS NOT SCIENCE!!

Vampire: Okay, I’m pissed. I go in to a blood rage and start cutting through them.

GM: You watch as this “man” uses his bare hands to cut through power armor, his blows literally turning people in to pudding. Any attempt to stop him is met with death.

Medic: *tears up his biology book* THAT’S IT! I QUIT! THIS IS BULLSHIT! SCIENCE HAS FORSAKEN US! LET’S GO BACK TO THE DAYS OF POW-WOWS AND VOODOO HEALING MAGIC!

Sorcerer: You talking shit about magic?!

Medic: *caws like a pterosaur*

[hikaup]

dawn: cryptids? seems fake af  dawn: aliens? maybe space microbes that float around on asteroids and cause life when they happen to run into a habitable planet. no such thing as an intelligent hyperrace. not even us dawn: zombies? more fuckin’ fake than vampires and werewolves  dawn: witches and warlocks are just people who like to play with crystals in the woods  dawn: voodoo? who knew there was so much fake bullshit in the world  dawn: (is shown orb photography)  dawn: buddy... my bro... my babe... them ghosts got me Shook ™ dawn: check it!! (shoves arm in face) I’m gettin chicken skin!!! freaky af ... man, those spooks...  dawn: did u also know? the afterlife is real and is a physical place 

[yusuke-of-valla]

Example: so after I beat Professor Layton Vs Phoenix Wright the first time I then got some Layton and Ace Attorney games to try

Now I got them used from my local GameStop so I didn’t really put much thought into them other than what was in the display case so my second Layton game was “The Diabolical Box” (aka the one with the Vampire Dude) and I got to the end and was like “ok the puzzles are fun but like what is the point of all the big mysteries are going to be explained with a bunch of nonsensical pseudo science and mass hypnosis that I can’t figure out as the player” so I haven’t played any games since then

And now that I’m revisiting PL v PW and looking at what other people have said about it, the consensus seems to be that the explanations for what the fuck is going on in this and Diabolical box are especially ridiculous/bullshit/voodoo shark-y for the series? Or at least more so than the other games so I might have just ended up choosing a bad starting point and need to give the series a second chance

(For the record for the Ace Attorney games I did pick up “Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney” first… and then I got “Trials and Tribulations” because I thought the title “Justice for All” sounded more like it went last in a series. Idk I was 12)

My super power is, if a series has multiple entry points, I will somehow always enter via what is widely considered to be the worst way

[oneshot-twoshot-redshot-blueshot]

The “Princess” and The “Frog”

For @i-dont-know-how-to-write ‘s meet-cute challenge. 

*Dean-centric

______________________________________________________________

“Oh, my God!” Charlie squealed. “You look so hot!”

You laughed. “Thanks? I wasn’t really sure what to wear, so I just grabbed my old prom dress and, uh, I guess I’m a… princess?”

“Love it!” Charlie pulled you into her home, leading you into the crowd. “And we don’t have one here yet.”

You looked around at the party guests. You saw a lot of typical costumes—skeletons, ghosts, Frankenstein’s monsters, vampires. You saw some ‘pop culture’ costumes—comic book characters, movie and TV characters. You recognized some of the people underneath their costumes, but there were a lot of faces you didn’t know.

You tried to enjoy the party but after a while, you grew overwhelmed. You made sure no one was watching before slipping out the patio door.

You took a few deep breaths, inhaling the crisp autumn air. The air was cool but it felt good on your skin. You looked down at the dress; you’d had to do some altering to make it fit, but you still liked how it looked on you.

“Now if only I had my Prince Charming,” you said with a slight twirl of your skirt.

“Prince Charming, eh?”

You turned back towards the house, expecting to see one of the guests.

You were alone.

“Must be the Halloween spirits,” you said to yourself, sitting on the bench in Charlie’s backyard.

“No spirits,” the voice said again.

You looked around; still alone. “Okay, seriously, Charlie, what’s going on?”

“Name’s Dean, not Charlie.”

You felt something brush against your skirt. Looking down, you saw a green blob rustle against your dress before hopping up to the bench next to you.

A frog.

“Okay, that Jungle Juice must’ve been stronger than I thought,” you said, looking at the frog. “It’s got me thinking frogs can talk.”

“I can, Princess.”

You jumped up in surprise, nearly tripping on your skirt. “What the hell?!”

“Easy, Princess. I can explain.”

“Nope,” you said, gathering your skirt and heading for the door. “Nope, nope, nope.”

“Wait!” The frog hopped over to you, stopping in front of you. “Please, let me explain.”

You looked through the patio door; the party was still in full swing, but you didn’t need someone looking up and seeing you talking to a frog. You headed back to the bench, turning your back to the house.

The frog hopped up on the bench next to you, peering up at you with those weird yellowish eyes. “Okay,” the frog said. “So. My name is Dean.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I wasn’t always a frog. I used to be human. An important one, if I do say so myself.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. My dad, brother and I own a law firm. Winchester—heard of it?”

“God, of course, you’re a lawyer. Gone from one slimy creature to another.”

“It’s not slime, it’s mucus,” Dean said indignantly.

“Whatever.”

Dean huffed. “Anyway. I was this high-power lawyer, right? And apparently one of my clients was a witch and she didn’t think we won the case correctly and she…” The frog indicated at its body, a surprisingly human gesture. “Did this to me.”

“So, what you’re saying is that witches exist and one turned you into a frog on Halloween because you didn’t win her a big enough settlement?”

“Basically.”

You shook your head; how had you gotten to this point where you were listening to a frog?

“Look, I think we can help each other.”

You peered down at the amphibian. “How?”

“You remember that old fairy tale? The Frog Prince?”

You didn’t like where this was going. “Uh-huh…”

“So… you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a human.”

“What’s in it for me?”

“My brother’s single.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Hey, you’re the one who said you wanted a Prince Charming. He’s the closest you’ll get.” Dean paused. “I can also pay you.”

“I’m not a prostitute.”

“I didn’t…”

You sighed. “This… won’t get out, will it? You won’t tell anyone?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t want to tell anyone about any part of this. It could ruin me.”

You held your hand out, letting the frog hop into it. You took a deep breath, shut your eyes, pursed your lips, and…

Your body felt cold once your lips met the frog’s. It also felt like someone was squeezing you in a giant hug. When you opened your eyes, you found yourself shrouded in darkness.

And… cloth.

You managed to scramble out of whatever was trapping you, finding yourself on the bench. Everything seemed normal.

But Dean the frog still sat in front of you.

“Oh, shit,” he said.

“What?” You looked around.

And then down.

“What the hell?!”

“Calm down,” Dean said, hopping over to you.

“Don’t touch me! You did this to me!” You looked down at your webbed fingers, your green skin. “God, and here I was worried about getting warts. But no, I turned into a fucking frog!”

“It’s okay. We can work this out,” Dean said.

“How?”

At that moment, the patio door opened. “Y/N?” Charlie called. “You out here?”

“We need to go,” Dean said, hopping off towards the bushes.

“But… what about Charlie?”

“She can’t help us. The fewer people involved, the better.”

You followed after Dean. “But what about my dress? What if she sees it laying there and thinks I was abducted or dragged off and raped?”

“She’ll probably just think you had too much to drink and decided to streak through the neighborhood.”

“Please. She’d never think that about me.”

Dean looked back at you. “No?”

You opened your mouth to argue but closed it. “College was a weird time, okay? And it only happened once or twice.”

“Mmhmm.”

“I don’t need any judgment from you, Froggy.” You looked around; Dean was leading you through a residential neighborhood. “Where are we going?”

“I, uh… have a friend who may be able to help us.”

“A friend?”

“Yeah, he’s, uh… well, he’s kind of this voodoo guy.”

“Seriously?”

“He swears by it.”

“You know a voodoo guy and instead of going to him in the first place, you made me kiss you and turned me into a frog?”

“Can you blame me? Would you go to a friend in frog form? It’s embarrassing. Besides, you…”

“What about me?”

Dean quickly turned away. “Nothing.”

______________________________________________________________

“All right, this is his place.”

The two of you sat on the porch, staring up at the door. It looked like a completely normal house (even though it stuck out by not being decorated for the holiday), not at all what you thought a voodoo… person would live in.

“Okay, I’m gonna hop up and ring the doorbell and then we’ll be fixed.”

You watched as Dean jumped in vain, constantly missing the doorbell.

“What the hell is this?” a scruffy faced man said, opening the door. He peered down at the two of you. “Frogs? Well, I’m not exactly craving frog legs, but how can you deny a meal when it shows up at your doorstep?”

You started to jump away in fear, but Dean stood his ground. “Crowley! It’s me. Dean.”

“Dean? Dean Winchester?”

“Look, man, I need your help.” Dean glanced over at you. “We need your help.”

Crowley crouched down, picking Dean up. “What have you gotten yourself into?”

“It’s a long story. Can you change us back?”

“We can try.” Crowley’s other hand darted out, grabbing you around your midsection. He carried the two of you into his house, setting you on his kitchen table.

“Um… are you sure we can trust this guy?” you asked, looking around at all the weird and slightly dangerous items strewn around Crowley’s kitchen.

“Best voodoo man I know.” Dean paused. “Well, he’s the only voodoo man I know, but still.”

“So,” Crowley said from the stove, throwing unsavory looking (and smelling) ingredients into a pot. “What happened, Winchester?”

“It’s…”

“A witch turned him into a frog because he didn’t win her case the way she wanted,” you interjected. “And then this slime-ball said if I kissed him, he’d turn back. But instead, I got roped into this bullshit.”

“Mucus, not slime,” Dean argued.

Crowley turned back, staring at Dean. “Since when did your dad let you back into the firm?”

Dean croaked slightly. “I…”

“What do you mean, let you back in?” you asked. “You said you were a lawyer.”

Dean sighed. “I was. But…”

“But?”

“I was never in the law game, all right? I never got the thrill of winning a case. My dad did, my brother did. But I… I wanted something different. So I stopped putting in effort and my dad let me leave.”

“More like he fired you,” Crowley said with a smirk.

“Shut up, Crowley.”

“You son of a bitch!” You lunged at him, fingers dying to wrap around his slimy throat.

“Hey, whoa, easy!” Dean hopped backward, nearly falling off the table. “Look, I’m sorry I lied, but if you remember, I told you I’d introduce you to my brother. He’s the high-powered lawyer, not me. I’ll still introduce you, I promise.”

“She’s not mad about the introduction,” Crowley said, stirring the pot. “She’s mad that you lied.”

Dean looked over at you, sheepishly. “Sorry.”

You gave a slight nod. “I just want this to be done with.” You glanced at the man at the stove. “Are you sure this will work?”

“Well, usually I’m doing the opposite, turning people into less than desirable creatures, but I don’t see why it won’t work.”

That was less than comforting but you really had nothing else to cling to. Crowley finished up his potion before bringing two shot glasses over to the table.

“All right, you two. Drink up.”

The smell was unholy but you were already sick and tired of the slime (ahem, mucus) on your skin. You grabbed the glass with both hands and tipped the potion back into your throat.

“Whoa,” Dean said. “You sure you only streaked a few times?”

______________________________________________________________

Crowley bid you two adieu (after rubbing a balm on your backs that would allow you to slip into your homes under the door). He said that the potion should kick in by morning; Crowley would send one of his shadow friends to check in on you. If you weren’t back to normal, he’d swing by and try option B.

You and Dean sat on the sidewalk in front of Crowley’s house. “Well… this is certainly a Halloween I’ll remember.”

“Look, I’m sorry. Really. For… everything.”

“It’s… fine. But you better pray that Crowley knows what he’s doing. If we’re not back to normal in the morning, I will hunt you down and plop you in the fryer myself.”

Dean chuckled. “Deal.”

As you hopped away, he called after you.

“Look, for what it’s worth… you looked really pretty in that dress earlier.”

______________________________________________________________

In the morning, you woke up in your bed and in your human body.

For whatever reason, you felt the need to check in on Dean. You hoped he was back to normal. So you pulled on some clothes and drove to a location you’d never imagined you’d be at.

“Welcome to Winchester Law,” the secretary said when you walked in. “How can I help you?”

“Um, I need to see Dean.”

“Dean? Dean Winchester?”

“Yes.”

“He no longer works here.”

“Well, yeah, I’d heard that, but I was hoping you could tell me where he lives?”

The secretary gave you a strange look. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t divulge that information.”

“What information?” A tall man with dark hair stepped up.

“She’s looking for Dean.”

“What do you want with my brother?” the man asked. His tone wasn't accusatory but you could tell he was wary of what your answer might be.

“I just… need to see him. We had a mishap last night and I–”

“Mishap? What happened?”

“It’s not that big of a deal. But I just want to make sure he’s okay.”

The man studied you for a few moments before nodding. He reached over and grabbed a post-it from the secretary’s desk, scribbling an address and a phone number on it. “If he’s not home, please call me. He’s got a few hideouts; I’ll help you search for him.”

“Thank you, Mr. Winchester.”

“Please. Call me Sam.”

______________________________________________________________

You pulled up in front of the address Sam had given you. It was a decent home, the lawn was well kept. You stepped up to the front door, ringing the bell. You were about to ring it again when the door opened.

“Y/N?”

“Well, I see the potion worked.”

The man in front of you was… tall, well-built, muscular. His eyes were the same green his skin had been last night. His sandy hair was sleep-tousled, sticking up at odd angles. It was an odd contrast to the well-dressed brother you’d met earlier.

“How’d you find me?”

“I went to your law firm. Well, your family’s law firm. Your brother gave me your address.”

Dean nodded. “So much for my promise to introduce you to your Prince Charming.”

You shook your head. “It’s… he’s not my type.”

The air between the two of you was still, awkward.

“Well,” you said, taking a step back. “I just wanted to see if you were still slimy, and now I see you’re not, so… I’ll be on my way.”

As you stepped down the porch, something occurred to you. Turning, you saw Dean still watching you. “Hey, you never did tell me what exactly happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you said a client turned you into a frog because you didn’t get the settlement. But Crowley said you got fired. So how exactly did you get turned into a frog?”

The corner of Dean’s mouth rose slightly, his green eyes sparkling. “Can I tell you over a cup of coffee?”

Your heart fluttered slightly. Was this a date? “So long as it tastes better than whatever it was that Crowley gave us last night.”

“Deal.”

[hereticaloracles]

New Moon in Virgo- Voodoo Queen

“I don’t think that I was trying to entertain the reader more than I was trying to purge myself.” – Curtis Sittenfeld

Artemis’ Tarot Take on the New Moon in Virgo- Do you ever get the feeling that you want to scrub your soul clean?  You peel and you cut and you rip out all the tangled pieces and you still can’t seem to detach yourself from all the bullshit that surrounds you, day in and day out, wearing at your very bones like overzealous sandpaper.  It’s like you’ve been marked from birth, right on the fucking forehead, so that everyone you encounter can see your pain.  They can feel the gloom oozing off of you and the unclean feeling inside has made your skin pale and your clothes dirty and your belongings in disarray. It’s like no matter what you do, you are stuck with whatever sins have attached themselves to you…  Or are you?

Helios’ Astrological Angle on the New Moon in Virgo- Well, here we go again, ma chère- Time for the Virgo checkup. Open wide! Of course, with all the other drama going on, the normal nurse and doctor jokes don’t exactly fit. This one reeks more like an exorcism. The past Full Moon showed us as snakes, molting and shedding our old skins- Now we have to walk out into the world with brand new, but thin and sensitive skin. We are out in the world, alone, raw and vulnerable. How can we protect ourselves? Well, it is time that we take a more aggressive approach, and remove those who would cause us harm from our lives with extreme prejudice. We’ve binged for long enough, Heretics- its time to purge.

The Sun (Ace of Swords) & Moon (Knight of Cups), Venus (Queen of Pentacles), Jupiter (Justice), Uranus (Knight of Swords), and Chiron (3 of Wands)-  Under this moon, the idea of “boundaries” seems to be consistently coming up – and lo and behold, I pull the Queen of Pentacles for Venus. Without boundaries, you become too porous and you allow other people’s gritty, nasty bullshit to penetrate through your delicate skin. You’re obviously the empathic type if you are reaching out to the aid of those around you, but what you need to realize is that injured people can subconsciously behave like vampires (and they’ll make excuse after excuse for their vampiric behavior). We’re all worn the fuck out right now, and the moon is fragile in Virgo – meaning you’re going to want to huddle away and work in your own dream world right now and that is perfectly fine. The world outside is harsh, people are harsher still, and we all need a period of recharging after the intensity of Leo/Virgo season.

We’re all walking around like burnouts right now and people are at their emotional wit’s end. This is where the idea of Hermit Virgo comes in… You need to stow away, do your work in your own space surrounded by things you love in your own order, and REST. If you are pushing yourself too much, giving all you can give to your job, to your friends, to whatever bum on the street that asks you for a cigarette, then you have essentially emptied yourself into a vessel. Now it is time to set strict boundaries and do your own work, study, plan, and set shit into motion for the autumn/winter and fill your empty vessel with what you really need, because this winter is going to be a fucking hard one, folks (just looking at the astrology for it has been giving us shivers). That last Pisces full moon drained the fuck out of the majority of us, and Chaotic bullshit has been coming left and right dislodging us from our path or giving us wild opportunities – one or the other, but are we too fucking tired and drained to take those opportunities?  Rest.  Rest, recharge, and get those fucking vampires out of your life. Honestly, aren’t you sick of having the help you give being thrown back in your face? The ones you care for need to learn how to appreciate you. And you, my friend, need to learn how to appreciate yourself and see yourself as a sovereign being who extends help because they are abundant and capable of doing so. I know, because you have felt so much pain, you want to help ease the pain of others. But sometimes you need to let go for a while so that both you and they can strengthen enough to keep going on the healing path.

The Sun & Moon, Venus, Jupiter, Uranus, and Chiron– Ho boy. So starting off, you will be at an ebb emotionally- joie de vivre will be a foreign concept to you. The goal is to get back to that state, but you will need to take some extreme steps to get back there. To truly get what you want now, I am throwing all my previous advice out the window and telling you to finally hermit. Take this time right now to sequester yourself, and really lock yourself in with your demons. This Astro reminds me of when you do an Ayahuasca ceremony- you have to separate yourself from the mundane world and make a space sacred. Right now, you need to take this practice and apply it to your life- You need to remove yourself from those elements of your life that drain you, those who want to use you and your gifts for their own ends.

The problem with this, as it often is, is attachment. The people who have the potential to hurt us the most are the ones we care the most about. You must not allow them to hurt you any further. To really make this work, you have to be willing to harden your heart and become a badass to people who might think that they are acting in your best interest while their thoughtlessness hurts you- and risk hurting them with your reaction. Ironically, those who have malicious intent towards you will hardly bat an eye- they’ll shrug and move on to their next target because there is always another mark. Take no joy or guilt in severing the connections of those who you know in your heart of hearts that you cannot allow in your life, but do so dispassionately and not maliciously. It is a tough line to straddle but you need to get it right to truly master this Moon.

Even so, that just sets the stage for the work that you need to do- this is a Moon that demands diving deep into yourself, dredging up the oldest and darkest parts of who you are. If you are feeling stuck and unsatisfied with your life, take the time to be by yourself and identify what you feel you are missing or lacking in order to truly feel whole. If you are feeling enraged and irritated at everything, withdraw from your stimulus and figure out what triggers are being pushed on you and what this stems from. You have to go down into the root of the problem, and most likely it will be something so far in your past that you have completely forgotten about it- but you must exorcise these demons before you can truly move on. This moon is both a place to stop to catch your breath, and a new challenge all its own- You need to be both open to the world and ready to stab it in the throat if it comes for you.

Minor Planets: Ceres, Vesta, Eros, Black Moon Lilith, Eris, Sedna, Quaoar, Rhadamanthus, Typhon, Hekate, Achilles, Heracles, Sisyphus, Pholus, Orius

Mercury (The Fool), Mars (10 of Swords), and Neptune (Ace of Pentacles)- Ah, fuck, more indication that we are just fucking worn the fuck out. But, hey, good news. Libra season is coming and with it the element of air. Things will get moving again, and this includes ideas and projects that have been stuck. Right now you have one enemy and one enemy only – yourself. You are going to need to ground the fuck out of your being right now, and that includes killing your illusions that you are somehow not capable of holding onto your burdens anymore. As the Christians say, God only gives us what we are capable of dealing with, and honestly, this is on point. Your experiences are what is going to shape you into a powerhouse figure that can actually make a change in this world. If you only had to deal with easy breezy situations in your lifetime, you would be some rich housewife at the Cape getting trashed off of White Zinf for the second time that day because you have done about 5 minutes of soul growth your entire life. It is the hardship, the struggle, that breeds a hero. The planets are egging you on – “Take a chance, here, we have provided you with chances,” but you keep on doggedly running toward the shit you are habituated to. During this moon, you need to learn to BREAK YOUR HABITS and make new ones. You are feeling drained and run down because what you have been doing has reached its end.

It is time to die.  Create the ritual space for it. This is a perfect New Moon rite. Go home and surround yourself with symbols of all the things you want to change in your life, say goodbye to them one by one, and go bury them in the dirt under the black moon. Mourn, as mourning is nurturing the soul, and begin your new life. Don’t forget, on many levels, you chose this life. You chose this life for a reason that nags and tugs at you during the darkest hours of the night. Move toward that reason, and don’t let go. This is 2017, the year of the Star. Our hope is being decimated so that it can be tested. How far will you keep running toward your pole star before you give up and think you are never getting out of the forest?  How deep is your will to live?  How desperately do you truly want to create change in this world?  That sort of big, dramatic change doesn’t come easy. And it comes with a lot of grueling preparation… Do you think you can lift a 200 lb weight without months and months of training?  Fuck no. So what makes you feel like you can lift the weight of the world without these trials?

Mercury, Mars, and Neptune– The main concern of this Moon is that it has Mars opposite Neptune, and Mercury closely influencing. This means that no matter what you do, you will feel as though you are running into a brick wall, and the harder you try the less successful you are. This will lead to more and more mounting internal frustration, as you question whether you are doing the right thing. Take a step back, re-examine your current actions to determine if they really line up with your wants and needs. If they do not, then adjust accordingly, no matter how difficult it may seem. You may need to allow yourself to give up on something that you have sunk a lot of time and effort into, and you cant let that hold you back from moving forward. Is your effort truly being well-spent? Are you getting what you want out of this? Or is it not really worth the investment you are making? Only you can answer this, but be willing to ask the question, and seriously accept the truth of the answer even if it hurts.

Why do you persist in fighting for what no longer serves you? For what you cant admit that you truly hate? Even if you are the best in the world at it, is it truly worth doing if it hangs around your neck like a weight? Take a minute and imagine your life if you just walked away, how that would feel. Just sit with that for a second. My bet is that it feels like freedom, with a slight tinge of disappointment and regret. Stop keeping yourself prisoner when you hold the keys to your own cell! Just walk out. I promise it will not be the end of the world.

Minor Planets: Psyche, Teharonhiawako, Altjira, Orcus, Chariklo, Circe, Iris, Terpsichore, Tantalus, Asclepius, Requiem

Saturn (Queen of Cups) and Plut0 (Page of Wands)- It’s time to reach right into your psyche and become a metaphysician. What are the ghosts you have been projecting into your life?  Do you, for some reason, believe that there is no spirit in matter, that there is no healing in pain, that there is no point at all to this existence here on this plane?  My friend, you are right. You are a mere insignificant pebble on the surface of a monstrous giant, so that should assure you that you have no fucking idea what is really significant and what isn’t. You may feel that you need some sort of career to fulfill you. Trust me, some of the most successful people in the world become blubbering fools who would shit in buckets and watch movie re-runs day in and day out (just ask Howard Hughs).  Not a single soul on this planet knows how to be “happy” because there is no final state of “happiness.” You need to become acceptant of the cycles of time, of the cycles of your body, of the cycles of your emotions and listen. Happiness, like sadness, comes in waves. We can’t just respect one without respecting the other. Misery pushes creation, and loneliness pushes appreciation.

We decided to leave Eden for a reason because it was a fabrication and we wanted true knowledge. You keep seeking answers to this universe because you, too, do not want to live in a fabrication constructed by society to keep you enslaved in other people’s paradigms. Do not beat yourself up because your successes aren’t measured as such by the brain-dead zombies of general society that laugh at you while you read Nietzche and scoff at you when you talk about how our government rapes and pilages in countries so far away we need a tv screen to acknowledge it.

In short, do not live in lies, and that includes your own personal life. Do not pretend your job is worth it just because it pays well when you know it is killing you every single day. Don’t stay with someone just because you feel like you can’t do any better, and don’t keep friends around just because you don’t know what you would do without them – no matter how much time and energy you have put into them. It is time to think about yourself. It is time to draw upon your own sovereign power and to see just what you can do when you burn the blood sucking leaches off of you, and live unabashed to be yourself. You are a wolf among sheep, now start acting like it.

Saturn and Pluto– Okay so now you really need to get serious. More than anything, you WANT something out of this life, and its time to start proving that you are willing to do what it takes to do it. I know there is a ton going on for you right now, and so what? Life is tough- you have to be tougher. Especially now. Quit your bitching, moaning, and wallowing in self-pity. The planets don’t give a damn if life is hard, and nor does anyone else. They have their own problems to worry about without yours. So stop whining to any sympathetic ear that will listen and pick yourself up by the cojones. It’s high time you get back up and start kicking ass again. It will only get harder from here, so you better make damn sure that you are able to put in the work, or go back home, cry and watch Netflix til you inevitable fade away into irrelevance.

We have too much work to do, and it is too important for anyone who isn’t willing to tear this world apart to make their vision a reality. The choice is yours.

Minor Planets: Pallas Athene, Pandora, Sila-Nunam, Borasisi, Deucalion, Siwa, Damocles, Echeclus, Eurydike, Niobe

New Moon in Virgo- Voodoo Queen was originally published on Heretical Oracles

[pluckyredhead]

Daredevil 101: Fall from Grace

And we’re back! It’s time for the death of Matt Murdock (again). Also, a lot of 90s-style grimacing. Most importantly, ELEKTRA RETURNS!

Content Warning: Some extremely racist (specifically, anti-black) imagery behind the cut.

When we last left our hero, he had returned to New York, regained his memory, and patched things up with Foggy. And aw, they’re being so cute:

YOU GUYS FOGGY MADE A MODEL OF THE OFFICE SO THAT MATT COULD FEEL WHERE EVERYTHING WOULD GO. AND JUST LOOK AT THEM CUDDLING OVER THAT SIGN. I’M CAN’T.

Now up there I mentioned 90s-style grimacing, and I just...I feel like if you’re not familiar with the aesthetic of comics in the 90s nothing can really prepare you, but basically, picture a lot of veins and teeth, flowing hair, everyone wearing armor and wielding two swords and six guns, POUCHES, and very questionable anatomy. This cover is a pretty good example:

No, I cannot explain anything that’s happening here. Just accept that the next few posts are gonna look like this until we round the horn into the late 90s. We’ll get through this. It’ll be okay.

(That art, by the way, is by Scott McDaniel, who is responsible for most of this post. The writer is still D. G. Chichester.)

Despite that cover there’s not a lot of Frank in here, but I do have something behind the cut for the Fratt fans:

That’s real gay, Frank.

In between fellatio metaphors with Frank, reestablishing Nelson and Murdock, and trying to patch things up with Karen, Matt also tries to protect a Haitian immigrant from a convoluted protection racket and winds up tangling with a “voodoo priestess” villainess named Calypso. Here’s where that content warning comes in:

Like honestly what the actual fuck. I don’t even have words for this bullshit.

Anyway, that’s obviously Calypso on the bottom. At the top is Hellspawn, a doppelganger of Matt created during Infinity War? I literally just had to look this up because large parts of Chichester’s run are incomprehensible and I honestly had no idea where he came from - I thought Calypso created him, but apparently not. Anyway, it’s during this plotline that Hellspawn encounters and becomes obsessed with Matt.

I’m skipping a lot here but I want to get into the meatier plot as opposed to the more episodic storylines, so we’re going to scoot ahead to “Fall from Grace,” which is what I used for the name of this post because it’s the most major event here. Again, this story falls under the category of “unnecessarily complicated Chichester nonsense riddled with cameos, crossovers, and incomprehensible McDaniel-scribbled fight scenes” and I’m not going to get into the details of it because...like. It’s such nonsense. Even the simplified version I’m about to share with you is going to make no sense. (I don’t hate Chichester, who I think writes a really interesting Karen, but his character stuff is much better than his confusing plots.)

SO. The plot revolves around a defunct, shady government program wherein they created a chemical called About Face that altered people’s appearances, put it in glass balls, and sent telepaths out to secretly drop the balls in heavily populated areas, where they would break and...change people’s faces??? It makes NO SENSE. One of the balls never broke, and the guy who broke it - a telepath named Eddie - ran away, horribly traumatized by his experience with the government, and has hidden as a street person for the past few decades.

Now it’s become clear to multiple interested parties that there’s one remaining ball of About Face somewhere in the subway system, and they’re all after Eddie to find out where it is. Matt discovers this and steps in to protect him:

What’s Eddie running from? Oh, just Hellspawn, and also maybe how veiny Matt’s chest is:

I’m concerned about your neck, Matthew.

While all this is going on, the Bugle is temporarily shut down because of *handwave* plot stuff, idk, but Ben freaks out because all of his in-progress articles are on the Bugle computers, which he now can’t access. He asks a Bugle intern named Sara to help him out:

omg those references

Unfortunately for Ben - and Matt - when Ben’s not looking, Sara stumbles across an unpublished article that Ben has idiotically saved to the Bugle server: the one he wrote about Matt being Daredevil, before he decided not to publish it. Oops!

Meanwhile, as we saw above, Matt’s classic suit has taken quite a beating, so he decides that he needs a tougher look:

Parts of it or armored, or the whole thing is, or something? Armor was very on-trend in the 90s. Anyway this is not a good sign, any time Matt is in black and it’s not Charlie Cox in skintight army surplus you know the story is going downhill.

Matt is so busy with Eddie and the virus and his new threads that he’s neglecting his day job, and Foggy has gotten tired of the same old patterns:

I find this page fascinating, because this arc is the only time it’s implied that Foggy knows Matt is Daredevil before, uh, Foggy officially finds out Matt is Daredevil. (And it’s made clear when that happens that he had no suspicion beforehand, so this aspect is dropped.) But also, Matt is being SUCH a dick here! “I’m responsible for more important things that you don’t know about”? If Foggy didn’t do your paperwork you wouldn’t be able to pay for that fancy armor, bucko. And you can’t lie to Foggy and then blame him for not knowing the truth.

Anyway I just love Foggy’s “Don’t forget your CANE” and Matt storming out and knocking a wastebasket over with his cane all “HOW DARE YOU I AM SUPER BLIND,” even if it never went anywhere. (Though Foggy does go talk to Karen after this and ask her to talk to Matt about...the other aspects of his life that he and Matt don’t talk about. So Karen gets involved in this dancing around the subject too.)

Meanwhile...*sigh* So. Okay. Remember how I said there were a bunch of people after the About Face virus? Well, they include government agents, bounty hunters, Hellspawn, A VAMPIRE, and the Hand. (The Chaste is bopping around here too, trying to stop the Hand.) The Hand sends an elite sect called the Snakeroot after About Face, plus these two:

This is sleazebag former SHIELD agent John Garrett, and Elektra’s “dark essence” Erynys. Garrett kind of explains their deal up there, but the short version is: after killing Elektra off in Daredevil, Miller still wanted to write her, so he did a miniseries called Elektra: Assassin. I’m not a fan of it, despite stunning art from Bill Sienkiewicz. We’ll see this next time, when I cover the Man Without Fear miniseries, but basically the more Miller wrote Elektra, the more he wrote her as sort of this fascinating, dangerous fetish object instead of as a person. Even though she’s ostensibly the star, Assassin is narrated by Garrett and is told through the lens of his fixation on her. It’s pretty gross.

Anyway, Elektra’s trying to stop a demon called the Beast from installing one of its pawns as president of the US (insert political commentary here), so she uses the psychic powers she occasionally has to get Garrett to help her. The story ends with her victorious and Garrett mostly cyborg parts, but now, during the Fall from Grace arc, the Hand is able to use the traces of Elektra left in Garrett’s mind from her possession of him to create Erynys, a separate being who embodies all that is dark and evil in Elektra. She wants About Face, which will enable her to be a full human being and not just an offshoot of Elektra.

Understandably, she’s a pretty upsetting figure for Matt to run across, especially since he thinks the REAL Elektra is still dead. (She’s not, as the reader knows.)

And that’s not the only bad news for Matt, because Bugle intern Sara has taken the story that Matt is Daredevil and gone to the tabloids:

Matt’s teeth are so dismayed!

Obviously Matt’s friends all see this story too, and Karen for one is not about to let it stand:

I LOVE NINETIES KAREN!!! She is so tired of men and their ridiculousness, she has shit to do and papers to throw! And again, Foggy’s still carefully talking around the whole thing, which I still find fascinating - but in the clinch, he’ll always be here to save Matt from himself.

Matt, meanwhile, has another shock waiting for him:

It’s Elektra! Bald Elektra! How very Sinead O’Connor.

(If you’ve forgotten, the Hand attempted to resurrect Elektra after she was killed by Bullseye and Matt was able to purify her soul with the power of his love (hence her white costumer), but thought the resurrection itself failed. She’s basically been meditating on a mountain ever since.)

While Elektra fills Matt in on where she’s been, Ben and Foggy team up to save Matt’s secret:

Sara basically ignores Foggy and his restraining order and barges past him and Ben with a camera crew to find...an ordinary apartment, filled with the kind of accommodations a blind man might need, like foam bumpers on the sharp edges of furniture and a Braille subway map. Humiliated, she departs.

Meanwhile, Matt and Elektra are still catching up as they try to keep anyone else from getting to About Face before they do:

If you can look away from Elektra’s weird seamless naked plank-butt there, basically she’s upset because she was finally at peace meditating up on that mountain (and also when she was dead) and now she has to, like, be alive and deal with the forces of evil and confront her own evil nature and UGH. Matt is not threatening to punch her there but reminding her of how much she loves punching??? Sure.

Despite all this embracing, Matt goes straight to Karen and tells her that Elektra’s back, but he knows who he really wants to be with:

WHEEZE! WHEEZE AGAINST EACH OTHER’S CHINS!!! No, seriously, despite the crappy art and the tiresome love triangle and the hilarious childishness of that crayon heart drawing, this is close to the healthiest Matt and Karen have ever been and I’m happy for them. I love their late 90s dynamic.

With Karen thoroughly kissed, Matt suits up again and heads back into the fray. (It’s important to note here that Karen doesn’t know a) about Matt’s new costume or b) about Ben and Foggy’s successful dismantling of the “Matt is Daredevil” story.) They finally find the About Face virus, and Hellspawn tries to take it to make himself...a real boy, I guess? A real demon boy? Idk.

Hellspawn uses the About Face, but Erynys kills him before he can do anything with it - and then Elektra kills her before she can use the About Face, thus reabsorbing Erynys’s evil into herself. Or something. THIS COMIC IS A MESS.

The weirdest aspect, though, is that in death, Hellspawn’s About Faced corpse turns to...Matt Murdock. He is an absolute spitting image of a dead Matt, which gives Matt an idea. Remember, Matt doesn’t know that his secret identity is a secret again, and as long as it’s out there, the people he cares about are in danger. Plus, like, Matt Murdock’s life is really hard and stuff?

So he bundles up the Mattcorpse and dumps it off at a police station or something, and Matt Murdock is declared 100% Dead and Probably Not Daredevil. Giving this story something of a downer ending:

If I’m not mistaken, this is the third time Matt has faked his death, counting Mike Murdock and that time he crashed a plane with a Matt dummy in it. MATT. WHY IS THIS A THING FOR YOU.

Anyway, tune in next time for a detour into the Frank Miller/John Romita, Jr. miniseries Daredevil: Man Without Fear, followed by Black Armor Matt making more bad decisions!