#vampire by nature

[wysteir]

I don't remember at what points in my life things changed drastically

I guess that's not really something that happened to me, at least in a way I can fully comprehend

They were mostly slow rolls, all throughout. Except maybe the whole moving every 4-5 years when those actually forced me to change schools but that was just a fixture of life for me at that point

Except times I remember- being young, and wanting to be loved more, and yearning for kindness and comfort when I was upset. I remember distinctly thinking that at the rate things were going, nobody could save me from the loneliness

Too smart for my own good, or may smart enough to avoid whatever hole that would have led me down

I knew I had to do it myself

I didn't have the courage nor charisma to reach out to others and make friends at the time, my parents weren't evil but they WERE old school and from a different time AND culture

They weren't raised on American Television, which despite everything still showed love and care every now and then, in cartoons, on the family channel. Childhood best friends forever and understanding parents

Impossible for me, I thought. At least impossible with the conditions and semantics I thought were needed

I had to save myself

And I couldn't really

I could only do so much and I tried so hard

But I was an awkward lonely teenager with no emotional strength or foundation learning everything a bit too late and a bit too slow

But nobody could save me, I had to do it myself

It's a flawed viewpoint but it was all I had, and despite everything it made me not give up hope

For better or for worse I always started with nothing, so losing what due to my own failings or due to shifts in my life usually didn't feel like the end of the world

But it's not good for growth you know? I was already a little behind because I didn't socialize much and it was scary out there

I learned the best ways to deflect statements that hurt me, I learned ways to try and not step on toes, I learned to better slow myself down and often try to think before I speak

And once I had that I could build myself up the way I wanted to, a decade and a half late

I'd given up on so much

There was enough "wrong" with me that I spent most of my time struggling against myself whenever I wasn't doing school or work

I remember a particularly bad meltdown haunting me for three years before I felt it ebb

It's not like anyone else brought it up either, it was just me. All me

I didn't feel like I had too much time for therapy or counseling. I didn't know where to look and I didn't even know what to say

And I spent so much time thinking and going over things in my head that what I WAS able to put into words sounded perfectly coherent and healthy

Eventually counseling helped a little, but there's just a lot that I couldn't rely on someone else for because I didn't know how

And there haven't been that many drastic changes, at least I thought

Not when everything feels like a mountain to climb and every effort feels like digging into the stone with my fingers

Nobody could save me

To get what I wanted I had to do it myself

I envy the dolls here sometimes. I envy the hope they have in Witches sometimes. Granted I don't go to those spaces. But I see the texts sometimes. I'm so exhausted but I feel like letting myself have that hope goes counter to everything I've struggled for, that I've fought for, that parts of me have died for

I really, really, wanted someone to save me

There is this concept of a Witch's unconditional love for her dolls that probably would have made me happy long ago

At the very least a moment in life where I could rest properly for once

But it's not what I want anymore

At least not wholly

It IS nice to relax and let go every now and then, to rely on others as best as I can, to be myself

It's nice to let myself be a burden and be taken care of every now and then

But I am my own Witch, first and foremost

I built my own soul, my own purpose, my own magic, my own pride

My sliver of humanity that shines as bright as any torch in the darkness

I and we and she reached through the mirror and chiseled the jagged heart of our reflections into a smooth core

I won't give up on her

I won't give up on the Witch I was yesterday who struggled to bring me here today, just as she didn't give up on me yesterday, nor the day before, or before that

Even as she climbed over my shattered cerebral porcelain, and I climbed over hers, and mine and hers- from even before I flowered from the prince's tomb

I won't give up on her

I'm a bit manic and delusional and a bit sleep deprived it seems

But I won't give up on her

She never gave up on me

When did it become like this?

Never, not really, it didn't become, it grew

From a flower, to a garden

Porcelain with gold between the cracks is still broken, but it still functions, and it's still beautiful

[120daysofsodomm]

[rienafoutre]

[sepias0litude]

[mvdso2]

Mvdso

[hallowvamp]

[rosieandthemoon]

[2000s-angell]

Cc: to the owner

[pixelpolls]

Vamps vs Werewolfs like its 2010!

[veilwaltz]

[120daysofsodomm]

[rienafoutre]

[lizardkingeliot]

That can’t be all there is.

[drusclues]

One of my favourite things about Sinners is the use of colour to symbolize belonging and home vs assimilation or separation from self and the environment.

When Annie is in her home, connected to her ancestors by practicing Hoodoo and speaking Yoruba to the man she loves , her skin tone blends into the earthy, natural tones of her home. Who she is, is not at odds with her environment . She even wears the same deep blue as Smoke

When Sammie is singing the blues, filled with passion and surrounded by the love and joy of his community, his shirt matches the warm yellow glow of the lights in the Juke Joint. He fits in perfectly and effortlessly

Delta Slim is the embodiment of The Blues, every part of him is harmonious with the dark brown walls of the Juke Joint

In contrast, the church walls and the clothing of the congregation reflect the assimilating influence of whiteness to the land and people, the false binary of black and white. The pop of green of the wild, natural world beyond the stark walls stands out as a symbol of freedom and untamed passion. There is no warmth or vibrancy in this place that demands Sammie give up his music, his voice, his culture.

And this split dividing the twins is interesting to me. Stack shown with the open air behind him, foreshadowing his eventual escape and freedom from the Jim Crow South. His red hat, tie and car reflecting the blood spilled and his vampirism as the only means he has for leaving this world of division.

Then Smoke on the right is shown contained within the Juke Joint, his home and his metaphorical casket as this will be his final resting place with Annie. His blue hat and shirt are symbolic of the sky/spirit world where he will spend eternity, unnaturally separated from his brother

[goldfish-inhaler]

everyone has thoughts about their sworn enemy's big pouty puppy dog eyes. it's NORMAL. and if Spike is good at anything, it's being normal :)

[loumandforyou]

Armand + why would you say that if you have only met this man once