#untitled notebook entries

[pendragora]

So I had a thought, inspired by this post:

Imagine how things would have been if this actually happened. How tortured by his own mind and circumstances of his life Jason would finally feel loved and missed and wanted by the man he deemed his only family after being betrayed by his birth mother, after losing Catherine. He thought he had a parent that wanted him in the family. Despite circumstances Jason most likely died with an illusion of having a family still, even after betrayal, an illusion that was shattered when he came back to see that, in the long run, his death meant nothing: Joker was still alive and running free, Batman was still operating as usual and there was yet another Robin. As if he meant nothing.

Yes, the loss of Jason was so detrimental to Bruce because he has in fact lost a son for the first time. Jason wasn't his flesh and blood but he was Bruce's son nonetheless. And he lost him. He lost his child, somebody he had a special bond with. It wasn't anything but the loss of Jason that pushed Bruce the closest to what he fears of becoming. But Jason did not see it.

And despite all, despite alternative universes for all and any taste, we were never given this reunion, and, we will never see it in canon for one simple reason: neither Jason nor Bruce as characters would exist if that was to occure.

Basically, if you look at it with squint eyes, the fight scene in Arkham Knight is the closes we've ever gotten to this reunion. Jason switched sides and "returned" to the family when he painted his chest with the red bat symbol and saved Bruce from Scarecrow. All after Bruce got to him through a conversation during this fight. Did they reunite? Did they have a happy ending? No. Bruce dies before having the luxury to embrace his son again. Bruce dies before giving Jason the closure of being wanted and welcomed into the family despite all he is, all he's done, the closure he deserves. They never got to reunite truly and never will be able to for Bruce is gone.

You'd be wondering why we never saw such thing ever again. But look at it this way. Would Jason continue on being Red Hood the way he is if he actually received this reaction from Bruce? Would he put on a helmet and mend Gotham's crime scene the way he did? Or was he trying to prove a point? Is the lack of acceptance from Bruce at the very beginning of his coming back story vital for Jason to be Jason we know and Red Hood that we have in canon?

I have no doubt it is. One of the biggest part of Jason's character is not the disagreement with Bruce on subject of how to handle crime, but the tragedy of father and son losing each other and a torture of not being able to reunite properly due to the disagreement and lack of explicitly communicated wish to have each other back in lives as a family. Some of you might argue that in some modern comics Bruce does tell Jason to come back and offers to mend things, but it is not the right time. Jason needed to hear it when he came back as Red Hood. But Bruce?

What about Bruce? Why didn't he just tug Jason into a hug tight enough to tell him everything that was needed to be said? Because the loss of Jason was so intense for Bruce that not only he got... "harsher" as Batman, he got harsher as a human. The pain of loss was so strong that it damaged a very much tortured soul that experienced the biggest loss before. The second time he is crushed by loss is seeing something no person ever wishes for, seeing his child dead. I would allege that Bruce shut off his feelings to soothe his pain and never let it get to him again. Never let anyone in again. Not only because of his own pain, but because of responsibility in front of everyone in Gotham, responsibility to protect that he failed and failed again when he turned violent. Another loss like this could have pushed Bruce over the line of no killing he drew, who knows. And Bruce understood it. Despite his wishes, he wouldn't be able to tackle ressurected Jason into a hug. Pre-Jason's death Bruce would; but post-Jason's death Bruce simply couldn't.

Arkham Knight!Jason was the only Jason that received so desired "we can fix this, together" line from Bruce, so desired by Jason in UTRH to see that he was still loved, wanted and welcomed back into the family. So desired line that he never has gotten to hear when it was important.

The falling out of Jason and Bruce is just as inevitable as Jason's death. And it's the cross they both have to bear and we have to witness.

[werkboileddown]

Prior to Cameron: Songs For The Witch Woman, October 11, 2014–January 18, 2015 at MOCA Pacific Design Center, the largest survey of Marjorie Cameron's artwork was The Pearl of Reprisal, a retrospective at the Los Angeles Municipal Art Gallery in 1989. The exhibition spanned thirty years, from the notorious Untitled “Peyote Vision” (1955) to Pluto Transiting the Twelfth House (1978-1986), pen and ink drawings that lent insight to the artist’s psychic state at the time.

Before the opening reception, Hedy Sontag introduced a program titled An Evening With Cameron: The Pearl of Reprisal. Sontag screened two films that feature Cameron: Kenneth Anger’s Inauguration of the Pleasure Dome (1954) and Curtis Harrington’s lyrical documentary The Wormwood Star (1955).

After the screening, Cameron emerged barefoot to give a dramatic reading of her poetry by candlelight. Pleasure Dome cast members Samson De Brier and Paul Mathison were among those in attendance. The reading, which was art directed by Sontag, evokes Cameron in her Topanga Canyon studio, deep in thought as she detaches from the lived world and navigates the subconscious. A prolific writer who shared her work with friends, Cameron was private when inspiration struck. She was known to write in her notebook in social settings, fervently and silently; she forbade visitors to her studio, a sanctum where art-making and writing mingled with astrology and occult ritual.

Though the dates of these journal entries and poems are not known, in their language of mourning and invocation, and use of sacred and Romantic imagery, they are of a piece with the notebooks Cameron kept after the death of Jack Parsons in 1952, as well as the verses she recites in The Wormwood Star, which describe the birth of a spiritual child born of psychic union with Parsons.

Notably, Cameron reads prose from Anatomy of Madness (1956) [5:39], a mixed-media folio included in the exhibition and on view at MOCA. Later published in Wallace Berman’s Semina, the text recounts a life cycle of death, rebirth, metamorphosis, and finally, a transcendent spiritual breakthrough.

This never before seen footage, courtesy of the Cameron Parsons Foundation, is a rare document of an artist whose practice had delved further inward, away from the public eye. Due to the quality of the recording, this video has been subtitled. Every effort has been made by MOCA and the Cameron Parsons Foundation to ensure accuracy of the transcription. Please note that the original footage was edited in camera and portions of the reading were omitted by the cameraperson.

[snowbellewells]

WIP Meme

I was tagged by @optomisticgirl  @donteattheappleshook and @whimsicallyenchantedrose  Sadly, my WIPs have been sorely neglected of late, but as others have said, putting them out there and learning there might be some excitement for various ones, might give me the motivation to get going on them again.

Rules: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you, and I’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it! Then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

(Just a note: These are more entries/notes in my idea notebook than docs/files, since I plan and initially write by hand. Also, I have pages and pages and pages of story ideas or possibilities, these are only the ones that at least have a few pages and are truly IN PROGRESS...)

1 - CS Band AU (about four chapters written, but nothing has been posted)

2 - “The Lawman, The Thief, and the Outlaw” (from the @CSMM event, a Rio Bravo au, posting, but long delayed)

3 - “Do as the Romans Do”  (also @CSMM fic, a Roman Holiday au, seriously just needs the last chapter, why can I not get this finished?!?)

4 - “Carolina Moon” (@CSMM, one chapter posted)

5 - “Foot Caught in the Door (This Time)” (@CSMM The Music Man au, one chapter posted)

6 - “A Year in the Court of Misthaven” - connected Lt. Duckling, EF vignettes

7- alternate S7 Hyperion Heights vignettes (intended to go with lovely series of picsets by @itsfabianadocarmo ) Possibly call it “Once Upon a Time in Hyperion Heights”???  (one part posted)

8 - untitled Gremma and then CS holiday short MC (first chapter written, nothing posted)

9 - untitled EF Arranged Marriage AU 

10 - CS as ballroom dancers modern AU for @revanmeetra87 

11 - tragic CS as besties modern au

Tagging: @the-darkdragonfly @sailtoafarawayland @searchingwardrobes @stahlop @kmomof4 @capnjay21 @thejollyroger-writer @shireness-says @drowned-dreamer @ilovemesomekillianjones @darkcolinodonorgasm @winterbaby89   (I tried to tag folks I hadn’t already seen answering this, but apologies if you have already been tagged for this!)

[write-the-stars-and-shadows]

Okay, it’s been a while since I posted, sorry friends. But I am here now because I just had to share this weird coincidence with you!

Okay so yesterday I had shower induced revelations about a WIP of mine—not Untitled WIP, a different one that I haven’t talked about on here before, which I call The Library of Souls. Anyway, I obviously had to write all these thoughts down before they ran away and disappeared back into the ether, so I got out my notebook which is specifically for this project, and had, before yesterday, only six pages filled. This is the coincidence: yesterday was the sixth of August. I know this because I checked, because I date all entries because I find it useful and interesting to keep track of time. This is yesterday’s entry:

Out of curiosity, I checked when I had written the preceding entry, because I knew it had been a few years but I couldn’t remember how many. It turns out it had been two. Not even nearly two or just over two, but two exactly, two years TO THE DAY, because the last entry in this notebook on this story was dated to the sixth of August, 2018.

There is no point to this story, I just thought it was a weird and cool coincidence and I wanted to share it. Much love, friends. Hopefully I shall get caught up on asks and tag games soon, sorry I am so terrible at them.

[else-self]

For anyone interested in reading some poetry or poetics. Duration press has their catalog available online and as downloadable PDFs. It's a great resource of diverse writers and writing styles and translations.

The following is a complete list of publications released on durationpress.com since 1999. The first set is composed of titles released since 2015. The second set features titles released from 1999-2009.

2015-

Anne-Marie Albiach, A Discursive Space (interviews with Jean Daive) (tr. Norma Cole)

George Albon, Transit Rock

Will Alexander, Exobiology as Goddess

Will Alexander, Vertical Rainbow Climber

Richard Anders, The Footsteps of One Who Has Not Stepped Forth (tr. Andrew Joron)

ANGLE Magazine (edited by Brian Lucas)

Roman Antopolsky, Haunted House

Apex of the M (edited by Lew Daly, Alan Gilbert, Kristin Prevallet, Pam Rehm)

Gennady Aygi, An Anthology of Chuvash Poetry

Gennadi Aygi, Degree of Stability (tr. Peter France)

Rachel Tzvia Back, The Buffalo Poems

Josely Vianna Baptista, On the Shining Screen of the Eyelids (tr. Chris Daniels)

Melissa Benham, at sea

Coral Bracho, Of Their Ornate Eyes of Crystalline Sand (tr. Forrest Gander)

Michel Bulteau, Crystals to Aden (tr. Pierre Joris)

Mary Burger, Nature’s Maw Gives and Gives

Norma Cole, Coleman Hawkins Ornette Coleman

Norma Cole, Metamorphopsia

Norma Cole, My Bird Book

Pura López Colomé, Aurora (tr. Forrest Gander)

Stacy Doris, Paramour

Jean-Michel Espitallier, Butchers Fantasy (tr. Sherry Brennan & Jean-Michel Espitallier)

Factorial Magazine (edited by Sawako Nakayasu)

The Germ: A Journal of Poetic Research

John High, The Desire Notebooks

Emmanuel Hocquard, Late Additions (tr. Connell McGrath and Rosmarie Waldrop)

Emmanuel Hocquard and Ray DiPalma, Personæ and Thoughts on Personæ (tr. Ray DiPalma)

Pierre Joris, Permanent Diaspora

Rachel Levitsky, Dearly 3 4 6

Andrei Molotiu, The Kingdom

Pascalle Monnier, Bayart: Spring (tr. Cole Swensen)

Laura Moriarty, Nude Memoir

Gale Nelson, Spectral Angel

Aldon Lynn Nielsen, Black Chant

Mary Oppen, Poems & Transformations

Lauri Otonkoski, 20 Poems (tr. Anselm Hollo)

Roberto Piva, Manifestoes (tr. Chris Daniels)

Roberto Piva, open your eyes and say ah! (tr. Chris Daniels)

Roberto Piva, Paranoia (tr. Chris Daniels)

Pam Rehm, To Give it Up

Sebastian Reichmann, Sweeper at His Door (tr. James Brook)

Claude Royet-Journoud, The Right Wall of the Heart Effaced (tr. Keith Waldrop)

Lutz Seiler, Poems (tr. Andrew Duncan)

Ryoko Sekiguchi, Tracing (tr. Stacy Doris)

Aaron Shurin, Reverie: A Requiem

Gustaf Sobin, Telegrams

Juliana Spahr, LIVE

Brian Strang, Dark Adapt

Hiroya Takagai, Rush Mats (tr. Eric Selland)

Habib Tengour, Empedocles’s Sandal (tr. Pierre Joris)

Lourdes Vazquez, Park Slope

The Violence of the White Page: Contemporary French Poetry (edited by Stacy Doris, Charles Bernstein, and Phillip Foss)

Keith Waldrop, The Silhouette of the Bridge (Memory Stand-Ins)

Keith Waldrop, Spit-Curls

Peter Waterhouse, Where Are We Now? (tr. Rosmarie Waldrop)

Tyrone Williams, c.c.

Xue Di, Circumstances (tr. Keith Waldrop, with Hil Anderson and Xue Di)

Heriberto Yepez, Babellebab

1999-2009

Heather Akerberg, Dwelling

George Albon, Momentary Songs

Michael Basinski, Mooon Bok: petition, invocation & homage

Claire Becker, Get You

Guy Bennett, Retinal Echo

Taylor Brady, Production Notes for Occupation: Location Scouting

Brandon Brown, Kidnapped

Mary Burger, The Boy Who Could Fly

Norma Cole, Mace Hill Remap

Catherine Daly, The Last Canto

Rachel Blau DuPlessis, Wells

Marcella Durand, The Body, Light, and Solar Poems

Patrick Durgin, And so on

Patrick Durgin, Sorter

Peter Ganick, …As Convenience

Susan Gevirtz, Domino: point of entry

Jesse Glass, Man’s Wows

Noah Eli Gordon, notes toward the spectacle

E. Tracy Grinnell, Of the Frame

Pierre Joris, The Fifth Season

Amy King, The Citizen’s Dilemma

Rachel Levitsky, Realism (a work in progress)

Bill Marsh, A Tomb for Anatole

Pattie McCarthy, alibi (that is : elsewhere)

Mark McMorris, Figures for a Hypothesis

Jorge Melícias, Disruption (translated by Brian Strang & Elisa Brasil)

K. Silem Mohammad, Hanging Out with Pablo and Jennifer

Sawako Nakayasu, Balconic

kathryn l. pringle, The Stills

Francis Raven, Economic Belief Structure

Pam Rehm, Pollux

Elena Rivera, Wale; or The Corse

Cynthia Sailers, A New Season

John Sakkis, Rude Girl

Eleni Sikelianos, poetics of the exclamation point

Eleni Sikelianos, To Speak While Dreaming

Rick Snyder, Forecast Memorial

Juliana Spahr, Nuclear

Suzanne Stein, Untitled (Poetry Event: June 2, 2007, Pegasus Books Downtown, Berkeley)—Audio of event

Brian Strang, machinations

Cole Swensen, It’s Alive She Says

Elizabeth Treadwell, LILYFOIL (or Boy & Girl Tramps of America)

Kevin Varrone, g-point almanac (9.22-10.19)

Keith Waldrop, The Garden of Effort

Rosmarie Waldrop, Lawn of Exlcuded Middle

Dana Ward, The Imaginary Lives of My Neighbors

Alli Warren, No Can Do

Code of Signals

Alcheringa

Towards a Foreign Likeness Bent: translation

[faithfulwhispers]

The Journal: Part One

Summary: During a night of studying, Donnie stumbles across April’s precious journal. How he handles it will completely change their relationship for better or for worse. Only trust and time will be able to decide

Author’s Note: So I’ve had this idea for a very long time now and had finally started getting around to writing it awhile back. I was planning on posting this as a oneshot for Apritello week, but then Irma had to ruin things. So I’ll be posting this in parts when I can. Anyways, I hope you guys like it. :)

On a cool, New York City night, Donnie and April sat upon her bed, thumbing through pages of textbooks. Around them, April’s school notes laid scattered. Even though midnight was close, Donnie had agreed to stay as long as needed to help her catch up on homework. She had fallen behind in her classes due to all the training and the patrols, and even though Casey hadn’t cared in the least about school, April wanted to pass with high honors.

“Oh Donnie, it’s going to take hours just to finish the math homework…,” April groaned.

He rubbed his chin, quietly nodding in agreement. His focus shifted from the textbook in his lap to the one in hers.

“Well, if we finish with all the math tonight, we can work on your English homework tomorrow. Then within a few days, you should be all caught up.”

“You’re such a great friend. I can’t thank you enough for helping me out with this.”

“It’s no big deal, April. Always happy to help you out.”

She uncurled her legs and stretched.  “Well, I’ll go make us some tea to tide us over.”

“Okay, sounds great.”

Donnie’s gaze followed as she exited the room. As the sound of footsteps faded down the hall, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, then glanced around the brightly lit room. April didn’t have much in her room. She did, however, have a mirror with photos pinned to it, a dresser, a nightstand, and short bookshelf on the wall adjacent to her bed. He focused in on the bookshelf, scanning over the titles shown. Some of them he remembered seeing her read, but the rest were unfamiliar to him.

But then a thin untitled book caught his eye. It was navy blue and stuck out just a bit more than the other books on the second shelf. He gathered himself to his feet and took two steps forward. Then hesitantly, Donnie slid the book out and examined the back, taking note on the fading. As he flipped it over to the front cover, a hard lump formed in his throat.

Her journal!

Donnie caught her writing in it on several different occasions, but anytime he tried to glimpse at it over her shoulder, April would cover the pages and shoo him off. But here it was, completely within his grasp. His curiosity began to simmer as he chewed at his lower lip.

Did she write about me in here? If she did, I wonder what she wrote. Oh man…

As the urge to know rose, he slid his thumb under the front cover, but stopped short of opening it. He took a deep breath as guilt steeped within his conscience. Is it really okay to go through her journal without her permission? Donnie had debated on this thought, and with a defeated sigh, he lowered the book down to his side.

No, I need to respect her privacy. I’m willing to bet that she’ll be pretty angry at me if I read any of it.

And as soon as the thought had crossed his mind, he could hear patters of her steps echo into the hall. In a great haste, he shoved the book onto the first shelf and grabbed a random reference book instead. A split second later, April appeared at the doorway with a tray in her hand.

Donnie hummed a soft jingle, trying to act casual as he flipped through contents of the book.

“It’s still pretty hot, so let it cool off for a bit,” she warned him, setting the tray of tea onto her nightstand.

“Sure thing,” Don replied, his face still buried within the pages.

April glanced over at him, noticing the stiff vibe that emitted off him. She didn’t need to be psychic to know that something was up. Donnie stood rigid next to her bed, and even though she knew he liked to read, he seemed way too interested in a simple dictionary.

Sure enough, he could feel her gaze. He pretended to read over definitions, staring at the page in front of him, not even absorbing the words. A moment passed in silence, and then Donnie couldn’t take it anymore. April was about to say something when he snapped the book shut and settled back into his original spot on the bed.

“So about that one equation… What part were you stuck on again?” he asked abruptly, scooping up one of the notebooks.

April’s brows raised. If she wasn’t suspicious before, then she definitely was now. However, not wanting to draw any attention to his sudden odd behavior, she sat down on the bed opposite to him. Whatever it was, she was sure he would eventually tell her. So she pointed at the last entry in her notebook and sighed.

“I wasn’t stuck, I just wanted you to check over to see if I calculated correctly. Imaginary numbers can be tricky, you know?”

“Oh right, right. Gotcha’,” he replied with great enthusiasm, then promptly began looking over the material.

A minute passed before Don gave her the thumb’s up. “The solution looks good to me, April.”Their gazes met as Donnie handed her back the notebook.

“Thanks,” she replied in a soft tone.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “No need to thank me.”

April said nothing in response and began to work on the next problem. Donnie watched as her pencil scribbled numbers onto the page, but then he couldn’t help but turn his attention back towards the shelf. What could possibly be written in that journal that would cause her to shoo him away?

Whenever it boiled down to knowing how she feels, or even what she thinks, Donnie was always clueless. He stopped trying to pressure her, sure, even going with her flow. But the need to know what she thought of him would always come back to poke at his conscious.

Some days, she was touchy-feely. Then on others, she would hold her distance. That journal could possibly hold the answers on April’s sporadic moods. There was even a chance he could learn which behaviors of his would put her off--if she would even document such a thing. He grew uneasy with each thought. Constantly, he shifted his attention to her etching solutions then to the journal in the shelf. After a couple minutes of dealing with this turmoil, Don rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at his crossed legs. What was he even thinking? That kind of obsessive tendency was cause of past troubles between them.

Stop thinking about it, Donatello, and just focus on helping her. After all, it’s none of your business.

Still, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for even wanting to know…

So Donnie inhaled deeply and grabbed another notebook, pushing away the thoughts. He was there to help her out, so that was what he was going to do.

[charlotteswiftfmp2]

Project Proposal

Today with the help of Jordi, we began writing our project proposals for our final projects around the theme of habitat, here is mine:

Candidate Name: Charlotte Swift

Pathway: Photography

Project Title: Habitat

Section 1: Rationale:

Over the year, I feel like I have improved a lot with my work including improving my editing skills by learning new techniques such as inverting darkroom scans, incorporating color into specific parts of black and white images and cleaning them up more professionally and improving my studio skills by using different set ups such as a light table, different colored backdrops and gels and using different lights such as snoot lights, soft boxes and beauty dishes. 

Also, this year i learnt how to achieve creative and unique results in the dark room by using experimental techniques such as chemigrams and photograms and now, i feel like i know a lot more about photography as a whole and i feel confident with the subject.

Finally, I have chosen photography as my pathway because it is what i am currently studying and i feel like i could use this pathway to incorporate creative techniques into my work and i also wish to continue perusing photography in the future at university.

Section 2: Project Concept:

This years final major project is titled “habitat” and my project concept was originally to experiment using a variety of experimental techniques and to incorporate a mixture of digital and film to capture my chosen theme of climate change which i had chose because i felt like i could`ve got very creative with the topic and because its very modern affecting the ways we live and i was also going to research how people felt about the current state of our city and country as a whole and how it has progressed throughout the years as well as inspirational photographers and different techniques.

However due to current situations i`ve had to change my project concept slightly and i am now focusing on documentary photography and i am going to use my digital camera as well as my phone to document the corona virus, i have chosen this as my new project concept because its current and i feel like it would be a very historical project in the years to come. i have also now changed to purely digital instead of a mixture of digital and film because i won`t have access to the darkroom due to college being closed because of the lock down.

Finally i will include research on the virus itself, look into what people are doing to stay sane while in quarantine and i will also include mind maps of ideas of what to take photos of and i will do multiple shoots which will all by planned ahead and evaluated and edited afterwards as well as attach any annotated contact sheets.

UPDATE: Our final show may not go ahead and the print shops have closed, therefore i will also no longer be able to print them on A3 photographic paper and present them in the show until further notice, but hopefully all will be resolved in the up and coming future

Section 3: Evaluation:

To evaluate my work i was originally asked to document all my work and processes in a A3 sketchbook, however again due to college closing, I will now evaluate and document all my work and processes as a tumblr blog and i will include how my ideas have developed and include any primary and secondary research I have done

Also, for this project i will contact my tutors and classmates via email and Facebook to discuss my ideas and take in any advice of what i need to do in order to improve.

Finally, I will also plan out all my shoots efficiently so i know roughly what to expect and so i have a rough idea on what i`ll be doing and i will also document how each week went as a whole in the form of a diary entry on tumblr which will evaluate strengths and weaknesses each week and how i feel.

Proposed research sources and bibliography:

Tate. 2020. `untitled`, William Eggleston, 1970-3 | Tate. [online]

Wood, T., 1998. All Zones Off Peak. 1st ed. Stockport: D. Lewis.

Godwin, F., 1990. Our Forbidden Land. 1st ed. London: J. Cape.

Action plan for the first 3 weeks

Week 1 (24th feb):

Activity - I will look through the project brief and write up notes in sketchbook and brainstorm possible ideas

Resources - I`ll need access to a sketchbook, computer and notebook

Week 2 (2nd march):

Activity - i will choose a topic for this project and write up a project proposal and i will also do some primary and secondary research on photographers from Jackie`s lesson and edit and add my final images from the composition practical task

Resources - camera, SD card, access to computer, books around chosen photographers, notebook.

Week 3 (9th march):

Activity- do second practical task in studio, edit final images from studio task and evaluate, also start independent stuff for chosen theme and think about / come up with ideas for first shoot around chosen topic.

resources - camera, sd card, access to computer and research materials and reliable resources, notebook.

[justdance-thewalk]

The search for the blue sky (took me so long to find the words)

For a while now, her head has been clouded, with the clouds so thick and fogged up it always felt like there was no space to breathe. And so at first when the breakup happened, everything felt suffocating to the point it was intoxicating and she was even more miserable because where was the silver lining to all this? She was still alone. She still felt lonely.

A quick fix, that was what she wanted at first. Because filling the void isn’t hard. It really isn’t. You just replace one with another, like shopping for a packet of chips, realising that the one on the shelf has a later expiry date than the one in your basket. You interchange their positions in an instant. And immediately your void is filled, everything in the past becomes a blur. You forget about the one that broke your heart, the one that didn’t stay. Your bleeding heart latches full on to this new person, he’s perfect, your new addiction. And you’re hooked. You’re hopeful again, you sleep well again, you’re happy again and yet in a few months the cycle repeats again. But so long as you find another one, (chips never run out) everything is okay and who knows you might just get lucky and find someone willing to stay for you. Somehow you manage to check out. And you never ever have to deal with yourself again.

But feeling the void, funny how it sounds the same, is akin to standing in the middle of a glasshouse, with your heart in the palms of your hands and watch someone taking a hammer and smashing the house with such determination that the whole house shakes and collapses violently alongside you. You watch everything shatter and rain down all around you, constantly piercing you and drawing blood. Everything hurts so much that you drop your heart to use your hands to shield your face. You cower, you tremble, you crumble, you become the glasshouse. And when the house is completely broken, as if your heart hasn’t had enough of a beating the last few months, you look down at the ground and see that your heart is dirty, stamped and pierced by millions of tiny glass shards. And no one can extract the pieces out of your heart but you, because only you know how to work your way through the caverns of your heart, only you know where to look.

And the day it happened, she knew she only had the heart to feel it. Because it really was the unfortunate catalyst needed to allow her to find herself. And it sucks, it really does, but it was an inevitable consequence, growing up. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard, this whole process. Because it was more of a battle with herself rather than a battle of getting over him. It feels bittersweet, especially when the what ifs creep up behind her and eat her alive in the middle of the night. So many unsaid things, so many said things, so many things. 

I guess somewhere along the road, she started bottling up what she really felt, scribbling it all in little notebooks, posting it as untitled entries in a nameless blog, just slowly closing up. And that was okay, because life throws a lot (of shit) at us and we all deal with it differently, finding ways to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. So further down the windy path, she got comfortable with tucking it all away. So she became even more convinced that suppressing what she really felt would hurt less. And that was why the relationship was so difficult, because she was confused, because he made her terrified of how she felt and because for the first time in a very long time she felt herself willing to be vulnerable and opening up again. But she never told him, so he never knew, so he could only keep apologising before he left.

And that was just one of the many little things you know? Things that she was still figuring out during the relationship because everything was her first time, because she was learning and because that’s just how she is. So it was another inevitable, for her to make all the blunders, for her to not be able to find the words then and for her heart to be broken before it could open. 

So for once she’s not trying to get involved in the traffic, but rather stepping back on the sidewalk, watching it pass by. So much so that she’s taken a break from all the vices that were painkillers. No alcohol to numb and drown herself, no blaring music from the clubs so that she wouldn’t be able to think, no apps to search for love. Instead, just basking in the silence. And notwithstanding the dullness of the void, when she takes a step back to look around, life has been both good and bad, kind and cruel but amidst it all there are always things to be grateful for. 

Notwithstanding that the pain still lurks and foreshadows in the background, she has learnt to accept it in its entirety, to look it in the eye and acknowledge it as if it were an old friend. Because at the end of the day they were both only human, filled with flaws and they expected and they got disappointed and they hurt each other and it was all part of the universal human experience of loving someone else. So it was perfectly, ridiculously fine. And if in his absence he left her a sandcastle, then moving on came in the form of waves. Depending on the times of the day, some periods rode on high tides, washing plenty of the castle away. Frustratingly, sometimes the waves couldn’t even touch it for days. And that was okay too, because it mattered, because it was everything at one point in time. But slowly and surely the tides washed away the pain, leaving behind only the seashells that were placed and decorated on the walls that day.

So her head is still clouded. And for the longest time, she never bothered figuring it out, always standing in the middle of the fog, peering upwards to see nothing and allowing it to swallow her. And she was well resigned to let the monster in her head win.

But she understands now that sometimes, one just has to look at things from another angle, to sit down on the grass for a change (grass which she never noticed before). Because you don’t have to fight against every storm in your head, you just have to weather it. So when the storm broke on top of her, she let it unleashed upon her because clouds come and go. She felt the whipping of the wind, heard the echoes of thunders, saw the flashing of lightning beneath her eyelids and tasted the raindrops splashing on her skin. And the storm naturally passed.

So when she opened her eyes sometime later, she was blinded by blue. Because the blue sky she had struggled to find all her life, one which she thought was never possible in a head like hers, had been right there beside her all along.

[pendragora]

Sharing my frustration with all of you

[pendragora]

The closer the release date the more I think about this

[pendragora]

The argument that authors use to justify their over the board aggressive attitude to Jason makes no sense to me and here's why:

New chapter of RHATO webtoon took a route many authors before used and that is making Jason violent as a Robin, which is problematic at core. Not only Jason wasn't violent as a Robin, it makes zero sense to make Bruce mad at him for being "more violent" because, shall I remind you, the core of Batman's character is using methods the police can't which, surprisingly, includes harming criminals.

In many, many origins of Batman we can see how the police takes issue with Batman not because he does their job, but because of the way he does it, overstepping the law INCLUDING THE VIOLENT BEHAVIOR TOWARDS CRIMINALS.

Making Bruce hold a grudge because "Jason was always dangerous" is a poor take on both Batman and his second Robin for one simple reason: Bruce took Jason in because he saw good in him and wanted to give him a chance at life. He understood that it wasn't Jason who would immediately follow the path of crime, but the enviroment that would force him into a position of criminal. Many times Bruce addresses in canon how he never regretted taking Jason in because he wasn't what he expected, but he was so much more in a positive way.

It really feels like authors just want an easy plot device because as soon as you give Bruce such "grudge" and twist the narrative into "Jason was always evil", you are immediately no longer responsible for characters being assholes to each other.

Many claim that new webtoon is very OOC type of media, but this is no longer OOC, this is a pure misunderstanding of your characters and, considering author's claim to be a long time fan, makes little to no sense to me.

It's easy to give characters motivation to be mean assholes, but it's so much more complicated to give them a fitting reason to do so.

Peace out.

[pendragora]

Case of Barbara, Jason & Bruce's Dynamic

Disclaimer: this is a long post in which I am going into a detailed analysis of interactions featured in two pieces of media (Three Jokers 1-3 and Task Force Z №8) between mentioned above characters. This take is purely my opinion and based on my personal research on topic of communication. If you want to start a discussion with me, please, be polite about it. I'm not here to pick up a fight. Any rude replies will be deleted.

Recently I’ve watched an interview from developers of Gotham Knights in which they touched upon the subject of difference in interaction between featured Bats. The focus was specifically on Barbara and Jason and it reminded me how I got this thing sitting in my drafts for months.

Enjoy!

I am writing this analysis under the impression from reading Three Jokers and one of the issues of Task Force Z that featured the interaction between Jason and Batfamily members.

I am not going to go into a detail about them all, but Jason and Barbara specifically because they are connected to a reoccurring pattern that I noticed in Three Jokers and they are, in my opinion, are the key to understanding Jason’s dynamic with his family.

To provide context, I've noticed one really alarming thing back in winter when I read Three Jokers (yes, I was a little late for the party). It was a comparison of Jason and Barbara made by Bruce that in the end opposed the two of them in a "Jason bad/Barbara good" manner.

What I mean is that Bruce, given both Jason and Barbara went through a traumatic episode because of Joker, makes an argument that Jason’s healing went wrong and that he wished that the former Robin actually would be more like Barbara, implying that her path of recovery was seen as “good”, making her stronger.

While it's understandable that Bruce would wish on his child a better recovery, the wording and the way this interaction was portrayed makes it seem like Bruce actually evaluates Jason's recovery as negative and unsatisfactory while putting Barbara as an example of what he'd expected. The implication that only Barbara got stronger because she chose the path that is deemed worthy by Bruce disregards Jason’s suffering that he claims to understand in “Three Jokers №2”. It's unpleasant to see him downplay Jason's journey and compare things that should not be compared as cherry-picking at someone's experience and evaluating it as good or bad is a pretty common thing in our society still.

I would argue that it is unethical and inappropriate on Bruce's side to make such an assumption for one simple reason: we can't compare trauma and recovery of two individuals because 1) both experiences are valid and should be respected; 2) aside from Joker's involvement there is no common ground for comparison. Let’s take a closer look at both of said experiences.

Jason's trauma is not necessarily about Joker. It's more about the fact that his death meant nothing in the long run, that his mentor moved on to another child soldier and his killer continued to kill. On top of that, the world around changed without him, leaving a lost teenage boy he was out. He had not only to recover from several shocking events such as the encounter with Joker, inevitable death of his birth-mother and his own death, resurrection and Lazarus Pit effects, but also the new world around him. We should also consider the fact, that Jason's recovery went in absolutely unknown to him conditions and places, with no support from people he knew or used to rely on. While it is not the first time he had to deal with things in his life on his own, it is quite a heart-breaking event for him, considering that for some time Jason had that support, someone to rely on. The shock value is also at fault for the way he proceeds his trauma and recovers from it.

I would also like to mention that it would be wrong to blame the family for not being with Jason when he needed them, that’s just how circumstances played out. What we should talk about is the way he is treated in the family after his initial recovery and come-back, but that’s for later.

Barbara’s traumatic experience is also not tied to Joker entirely. While he was the cause for her suffering, paralyzing her and further hurting her mentally by taking pictures of her naked body, her journey strives far away from him and focuses more on the other motive - helplessness and reliance. These motives come from two points: 1) in the moment of being shot and abused by Joker, she is unable to save herself, making it look like she needed someone else to come and rescue her; and 2) the tragic event Barbara went through took away her life metaphorically as, being disabled, she wouldn’t be able to continue her path as Batgirl and live her civilian life in the same way as before. The world around her did not change, but rather the conditions she was in changed and would heavily impact her as the feeling of helplessness that she felt during the episode with Joker was now an ongoing motive in her life. She lost her mobility and had to rely on others to help her navigate in the new conditions. The entirety of Barbara’s journey is about overcoming that feeling, learning how to still be herself in a seemingly new world, adapting and growing despite everything. Traumatic as it was, it still gave her an opportunity to reborn into a leader and independent hero as Oracle and later return to the cowl on her own conditions. Three Jokers №2 briefly covers the pains and difficulties she had to endure with her physical recovery, but Barbara herself claims that the outer support from her father, her doctors, etc. helped her a lot.

While still receiving support, she proved herself to be independent and capable on her own which in some way shows her partial trauma recovery, excluding the motives of helplessness and reliance. I consider her journey to be beautiful and inspiring, with all honesty, it created a whole new soft spot for Barbara in my heart on top of the one I already had.

Both of pieces about Jason's or Barbara's trauma are purely my personal take, but even if we exclude my thoughts, the factual information that is given in canon is enough to make a conclusion that those two experiences are nothing alike therefore incomparable. Before moving to the next part, I would like to mention that as much as their conditions differed, it does not mean that Barbara’s trauma is less to Jason’s or vice-versa. Both experiences should be treated as valid and equal, moreover, whatever is the outcome of recovery, it should not give the ground to evaluation and put someone on the pedestal as “an example of better/good recovery”. Not only it diminishes somebody’s struggle, it creates tension between two individuals that is not necessary, which we can see happening.

Here I would like to include Bruce into the picture. Let me explain why.

Bruce, in a way, is a root of the problem. He is at fault, but not for not being here for Jason back then, he is at fault for not trying to understand Jason and his trauma fully and further mishandling of situations that involve his son. His own system of beliefs and morals stops him. While it’s not necessary a bad thing to have different opinions, it is wrong to exclude any possibility of a healthy dialog between individuals based on those differences. We all are familiar with the way Bruce and Jason interact and it rarely ends well simply because one side wants to be heard and the other does not want to listen. It creates a clash and misunderstanding that is shown in the Three Jokers №3:

This interaction fails because Bruce has a certain vision of what Jason needs while it was never communicated with Jason what he in fact needs and any attempts at that end with a fight. It also makes Barbara here (and the whole family in perspective) to take sides and go with “Bruce is trying while Jason does not give him a chance” but it’s a clear miscommunication. Jason never asked for what Bruce is trying to give him and Bruce never tried to talk it out openly, with a guarantee that nobody is going to get backlash. The dialog between them is not established and therefore leads to such instances; it opposes siblings and friends against each other furthering the consequences this ongoing miscommunication has. Jason, claiming he doesn’t need help in the next slide, is the proof that it was never discussed what and whether or not he needs anything at all.

My personal take here is simple: whether or not Jason needs help, he is not going to ask it from Bruce or his family, not because of his personal qualities, but because he is tired of knocking on the closed door. His past experience of surviving alone on the streets and recovering by himself also contributes to why he replies the way he does.

Moreover, it’s not much of “Jason being stubborn about going out of his way”, it is rather “Bruce pushing his agenda onto everyone in the family and not accepting anything (and anyone with) a different take”. Even in that instance Barbara, as the one opposed to Jason since she and the path she took after her trauma are in favour of Bruce, blindly follows Bruce and allows miscommunication by taking his side without taking into consideration Jason’s perspective. It’s understandable. After all, Bruce is her hero, inspiration and mentor. Regardless of whether or not it is on purpose, he has a certain influence of everybody in the family as their father figure or, at the very least, a mentor, a beacon of hope for their city.

Still, it does not excuse the ongoing miscommunication within the family. The dialog or the lack of it is important because Task Force Z №8 shows that at least one of the parties is open to the communication.

Whether or not it was a conversation that was calculated (which I doubt) and manipulated in Jason’s favour (more likely), it still is meaningful as an example of a dialog where both people are treated as equals by the end of the interaction (which should be the case).

In the frame above we can clearly see Barbara 1) pointing at the reoccurring issue (“you’re pretty hard to talk to”) and 2) establishing her independence (“I am not Bruce”) and Jason showing how the situation looks from his side and defending himself. Here we can see that Barbara is willing to talk, however, she can see that Jason becomes defensive around her (which is justified since we take into account that she clearly holds onto an existing agenda and an image it pushes on Jason). What happens after these frames is much more prominent.

Barbara recognizes Jason as her friend, which he actually needs, however, quickly ruins a moment that could be heart-warming and touching because of the false assumptions that are based on the view we discussed previously. It is a condescending attitude, which Jason recognizes and is not willing to allow by putting his boundary up (“We’re done here”) and explaining to Barbara where she went wrong in the conversation. He communicates how his boundaries were overstepped (which he expects from Bruce, a father figure, not Barbara, a friend).

Via that exchange, Jason levels himself and Barbara, showing that he is an equal to her, an individual that does not live up to the image that Batfamily has of him.

What’s more important is the way Barbara reacts: she accepts her fault and apologizes, directly saying that she screwed up. It’s prominent simply because behind such a small portion of dialog we can see that she listens to what Jason has to say; she is able and is willing to form her own opinion on him, step aside from the image she based her opinion of previously. It straightens the idea that, at least in the moment, Barbara and Jason are equal to each other, not one of them being worse than other, as Bruce put it. It’s also an example of a mature reaction to a mistake made in communication process.

I would also like to mention that it happens without Bruce being in the picture, unlike the interaction in Three Jokers, which certainly is helpful because it does not set Jason off immediately and allows the room for Barbara to be open-minded in the moment.

Taking into consideration that it is a Jason-centred media, we can state that he clearly is inclined towards being open and listened to and entertains the idea of establishing a connection with Batfamily members. Why do we see such difference when it comes to Bruce, then? To answer that question, we need to return to Three Jokers:

Shout out to all my fellow Jason stans who just got an ick from a reoccurring “You don’t understand… You never have”(Three Jokers, frame from above)/”You don’t understand… I don’t think you’ve ever understood” (animated Under the Red Hood). It is an ongoing pattern of behaviour when it comes to Bruce and Jason that came into place from the very first post-resurrection Jason’s appearance. To my mind, it is what stops the problem between the two from resolving: from the very beginning of Jason’s path as an antihero, we can see Bruce pushing the image he developed because of the difference in the views they both have (which also would not have been the case if the difference was communicated properly and both parties would come to a mutual understanding of their valid points).

I also find it important to mention that Three Jokers is more of a Bruce-centred piece of media, this is why we see the pattern showing and Barbara taking his side throughout the entirety of three issues. Same with Task Force Z – Jason-centred piece of media in which we can see how Barbara is less influenced by her views (partially or majorly passed onto her by Bruce) and more open-minded towards acceptance and allowance that Jason seeks in the family. With other Batfamily members it is the same thing.

That clash in communication is a rupture on the whole family now and it will continue to resurface until the moment Jason and Bruce (emphasis on Bruce since he is a parental figure and the main influence on everyone in the family) resolve the conflict between themselves and establish a healthy dialog. We will only see any growth and change in the family dynamic if authors decide to give up on this ongoing since 2005 family drama.

I would also argue that the choice of character in Task Force Z is not a coincidence for one reason: Barbara is not Bruce’s child in any matter, she has her own father she loves dearly and she also has a role outside of the family as the Oracle and as the Bird of Prey. She is much more independent and self-sufficient which allows her to be more flexible and inclined towards seeing the other perspective that Jason has. As much as nor she agrees neither condones Jason’s actions, his motives and his take on the situation that also affects their friendship are valuable to her which makes a room for some sort of understanding from her side.

This is why, in hindsight, the interaction between Jason and Barbara in TFZ #8 is so important, especially put next to the interaction they both had with Bruce in Three Jokers. It provides readers, who follow appearances of these particular characters, with an idea of establishing boundaries and inappropriateness of mentioned comparison/attitude to exist between two individuals with valid experiences. It was good to see Jason react accordingly to condescending attitude and Barbara accepting her mistake and apologizing for it, which could possibly give ground for allowance and acceptance of his experience on her side in the long run. It's far-fetched, but it's what we are supposed to have, not a harmful comparison that opposes things that should not be opposed at all.

Considering all of above, I wanted to say that it’s harmful to see such behaviour presented as a norm; it only straightens the idea that we should evaluate each other experience with trauma recovery. The only person who can speak on such subject is the person in recovery or, at last, a professional who helps said person through their recovery, not somebody outside of the experience who can enforce the idea of good and bad according to their own or societal standards.

It's natural to have different individual experiences even if some parts of traumas coincide or even if individuals have a shared traumatic experience. Under no circumstances should we put it into good/bad evaluation perspective.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk, I'll be taking my leave now.

Add.note: foreseeing the “it’s not that deep” comments I digress and leave body language portion out of this piece of text I wrote because, as much as we all would want a deeper meaning to be in comics, it’s still an art piece that might not have any consideration behind it. Don’t come after me, I stand behind what I said.