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ahiddenpath · 3 months ago

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Hidden's Life

Hi guys, I started writing a journal on my computer, as typing is a lot faster than pen and paper. I am sharing my first entry.

Content warning: It's about the "should I have a kid" debate, and it's way more political than what I usually post on my digimon blog. It gets into climate change, the financial and emotional cost of child rearing, and is leftist in tone. I am really struggling with this topic, and I welcome input and conversations. If you want to talk about it and we're pals on Discord, please do! I want to hear from as many people as possible.

The tone is bleak, but in a matter-of-fact way, if that makes sense?

So, I took a two week vacation. I was in Vegas for a few days for the first time, then in a cabin on a river. I’m not going to talk about that much here. Instead, I’m going to focus on life.

Whenever I have a few days off in a row with no plans (which is rare), I like to touch base with myself on where I am in life. I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

I will say that I’m feeling a lot more rested/restored by this vacation than I have been from my vacations over the last few years. Travel takes a ton out of me, and I’m sensitive to time zone changes and general shifts in routine. I’m surrounded by career scientists, many without children (aka people with money to travel), so it’s common to feel like I’m “missing out” or “doing it wrong” if I’m not visiting 1-3 international spots per year. It turns out that. Um. I actually really like the river cabin. Japan last year was amazing, but I came back jet lagged, exhausted, sick, and with a foot injury from power walking for 10-14 hours per day for 2 weeks. More chill domestic vacations may be the way.

But anyway, I wanted to write down my thoughts on the future.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here, so pardon me if I have, but… I’ve been dating my husband since we were 14, and we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 21. For nearly two decades, whenever I asked about children, my husband would shrug and say, “Maybe someday.” This year, for the first time, his answer changed to, “I’d like one child, but I’m not sure if it’s ethical.”

As for me, I’ve never been hit with maternal desire. In my early twenties, I assumed I’d marry my now husband, have kids, and be a stay at home parent. I’m not sure… Why I thought that? Other than that I have no career ambition, and my husband was raised by a stay at home parent. It feels a bit weird to say I lack ambition when I’m a career scientist, but it’s true. I just want to get the most money with the least effort and damage to my physical and mental health. I feel, on some level, I’ve been waiting my whole life for some kind of purpose or desire, but these days… I’m beginning to understand that wanting health and happiness is an amazing goal, and that humans aren’t necessarily meant to find fulfillment from our work. It’s okay if family is your goal! It’s okay if being a hobbit is your goal (being comfy, reading books, taking walks, etc)!

I got my first job when I was 15, I had to get my mom to sign a permission form, lol. I saved all my money and invested it as best I could, which was CDs (at the time they had like a 5% return, and as a teenager I did not really understand investing- that kinda remains true). My mom warned me from early on that she had no money to help me, and my father openly gloated about not being financially responsible for me soon. Like, he’d count down and update me every now and then- only five years until you aren’t my problem anymore, girl! Four years, three, two, one. He apparently still doesn’t understand why I went no contact with him.

I’ve never been laid off or between jobs, just. Working and preparing for a future where I was financially independent since I was 15. So again I wonder. Why??? I thought I would be a stay at home parent, lol! My husband is extremely intelligent, and he graduated straight into a programming job that pays more than I will ever make, so that might have been part of it. But when I got my new job 2 years ago, my package became competitive enough that I now actually… Have a career to lose.

What I’m trying to say here is that I feel conflicted about… everything. Why am I in this job that I don’t like, but I excel at and it pays fairly (or at least, it does since the new job two years ago)? Am I going to do this until I’m in my 60s because capitalism? Do I want a kid? Shouldn’t I know if I want a kid? But then, I can barely scrape together the brain juice to decide what I want for dinner most nights, after spending 8 hrs working and 90 min commuting. Is it any wonder I can’t bring myself to figure out if I want huge life changes or not?

Financially, my husband and I are doing well. We have a house, retirement savings, and we can afford our expenses on my husband’s salary alone. Mine is called upon for things we want, like getting a working shower in the master bathroom this year and the laundry list of smaller home improvements we paid for last year. But when you have a house, there is always more to do. Our roof is probably original to the house, which is 36. If I want our fireplace to work, that will cost at least a few grand. Our heater is too small for the house; if we want to use our finished basement more, we need to replace it with an appropriately sized one.

If I quit now, it will be difficult or impossible to do those things (and by the way, I feel like wanting a correct sized heater, a working master shower, a working fireplace, and a safe roof are not, like, super bougie??? God damn shit’s expensive). (And by the way, I'm aware that HAVING these problems is a privilege, and that is INSANE to me). If I wait too much longer, I’ll be unable to deliver a healthy baby (I’m 35). But if I’m going to have a baby, just one baby, then I want to spend time with them.

Meanwhile, there’s the ethical questions. I’ve searched online for: Is it ethical to have a child during the climate crisis? Interestingly, the hits were mostly about the impact each individual human has on emissions and climate change. Listen, sure, if you really want to be conscientious about it, don’t have more than 2 kids, which keeps your family’s population steady at the micro level. But damn, don’t be guilted out of a family, a totally normal thing, while a few corporations destroy the world for profit and tell you to have fewer babies. God damn! The mythos of the individual’s impact on climate change while companies burn fossil fuels for funsies is some high level con work, holy shit.

I’m not worried about my theoretical kid’s carbon footprint. No man, I’m worried about them having access to clean water, reliable power, food, medicine, and places to live that aren’t storm riddled, underwater, on fire, etc. Oh, and clean air. People who are sensitive to air born pollutants are already dying prematurely, and have been for years. The idea that people think climate change is something you “believe in” like fucking Santa Claus is absolute insanity to me. People are already dying, my brother in Christ.

So like, do I raise and rear this child to die early or have poor quality of life starting now, and rapidly declining? True, humans have literally always faced pressures: plague, economic strife, war, the threat of nuclear fallout, etc. We have babies anyway, partially because we don’t all have education and access to reproductive care, but also because having families is just. A totally normal desire, as is not having them! Having them does have an additional biological push behind it; organisms tend to feel reproductive pressure. It’s evolution’s super fun gift (/sarcasm)! In some ways, having kids feels almost necessary, as it makes people feel hope and desire for a better future. But there must be millions of kiddos existing now, and we’re not doing much to make the world more habitable for them on a global scale.

I want to take a moment to clarify that I am not judging anyone for having children. We should be able to have families. It’s insane that we’re facing these pressures, that so little is being done about it. But as someone who does not have any yet, I find myself grappling with these questions.

So yeah. A.) I’m not sure if I want kids, and my lifestyle does not allow much time or space for reflection. B.) I’m not sure if having children is ethical in the year of our lord 2024. C.) As much as I dislike work, I’m not sure if not working is right for me, either. It’s easy to fall into mental health issues without a structured routine. D.) I have a strong desire for financial security, and it was beaten into me from as far back as I can remember. What will the loss of my income do to my mental health? E.) While we can afford our needs on my husband’s salary, relying on one income is always precarious. Layoffs are a constant threat in tech, and injury, mental health crises, and death can come for anyone. F.) When I was in therapy, my therapist specifically advised me not to stop working and rely on my spouse’s income. I know this is good advice for women, lol! Like, truly, I do get it. My therapist knows about my drive for financial security and my strong support for women. I can say, though, that in 21 years with my husband, he’s never given me reason to doubt him. Not once.

I guess that brings me to another fear of having a kid. Obviously I’m terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, and my country has the worst maternal death rate of the developed world (like… by a long shot). I’m already unhappy with my body and my energy levels; bearing and raising a baby is not. Going. To help. But I’m also worried about the division of labor that goes into childrearing. I’m told Millenial men have made huge strides in combating the deadbeat dad. But when I grew up, every family I knew was held together by the mother. My father worked. He did not do anything else. He didn’t cook, clean, play with or watch the kids, do yard work, make doctor appointments, meet with teachers, shop for the family, chauffeur the kids around, any of it. He didn’t even buy Christmas presents for his own parents, my mom had to do that for him. Most of the households I visited seemed to function the same way. I know my husband wouldn’t do that; hell, as it is, he does more than I do, often in the 90 min per day that I spend commuting. But my understanding is that, when it comes to raising kids, women still take on more of the work on average. And I’m not even sure if I want one, lol!

And the other huge concern is the political scene. If Trump wins in November, or just… Idk, stages a coup or whatever, I… Probably won’t reproduce. As I understand, his proposed administration/Project 2025 is looking to defund public education, continue destroying the planet for the profit of a few people, and generally dismantle everything. I don’t think the country would recover within my childbearing years.

Basically, I don’t know what the hell I want. I suppose I can get another job if I lost the one I have, although I’m told competition is stiff. Once you have a baby, though, you uh… You have a kid, lmao! I admit that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why one would want a baby. The ‘ol pro/con list isn’t looking too great! Like, babies, okay? The good things (in my mind): as we age, we lose more people. It’s common and understandable to want more people to call your own, especially as we age and as life pulls us further apart from people we knew when we were younger. Some people experience reproductive drives, so there is a driving force. Cons: Pregnancy is body altering and life endangering, children produce a horrific and varied array of fluids, they’re sick all the time and make their parents sick too, daycare costs are a second mortgage for five years in my area, taking them to and from daycare and school around work is next to impossible, they make noises and run around (aka, incompatible with my stimulus issues), and I personally don’t have fond childhood memories or warm feelings about family, thanks to my own difficult upbringing.

This is one of those decisions that doesn’t logic on paper. I’m sure most people would say, “Oh, you don’t use logic for this sort of thing!” But then, like. Uh. What are you doing? I have a coworker who is maybe 15 years older than me who talked to me about people my age not having kids (uninvited, I might add, lmao). She was like, whenever I ask someone your age, they give me all these reasons about money and daycare and the difficulties of navigating work around a family where both parents have full time jobs. You just make it work! You’ll figure it out!

And I remember thinking, Ma’am, your youngest is 12. Daycare didn’t cost $2,000-2,400 per month per kid back then, and mortgages and rent were less. Like, sure, yeah, I’ll just have a kid and feed them hopes and dreams, no problem! Mm, delicious.

I don’t know, man. Sometimes I think about all the folks who will never have kids because they can’t afford them, and I feel so enraged. Or the rising infertility rates as our environment and foods become less healthy and our stress increases. Or I think about the people who have kids but can rarely spend time with them (and desperately want to) because they are trying to get the money they need to take care of them. And then there’s people like me, who are so goddamned tired and overwhelmed by their job that they have no brain space to even… Like… Figure out if they want a kid!

Well, there will be no changes until I see how the election and the possible coup go, so I need to put this down for now.

What a fun sentence.

#hidden's life

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morimakesfanart · 1 year ago

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I was born in a country that didn't really advertise the lgbtq Community ( most people are homophobic) I was about 14 when I learned that there were other genders the only ones I knew were boy and girl Im 15 years old now and still have a hard time asking questions about this subject to my parents, Im an internet child and everything I know is from the internet. Im not sure what is correct or wrong because internet people sexualises Im sorry for being silent. I just dont know what I should say

It's totally fine! You don't have to say anything if you aren't comfortable or don't want to. :3 I didn't find out that there were nonbinary genders until I was in my 20's. I thought I was a girl that was a boy sometimes and had no idea that there were other people like me. My parents knew and taught me about gay, lesbian and bisexual when I was 7-8, so I've known for a long time that I wasn't straight. We all get exposed to these things at different rates. (I didn't have private access to the internet until I was 19 when I saved up to get my own computer)

As long as you remain respectful, I am fully willing to answer any questions about my sexuality and gender :3

I'll say it forever: ignorance is not a sin. No one comes into this world knowing everything. And education and exposure to things is absolutely a privilege :3 As long as you are willing to learn and are respectful, it is okay to not know something. It only becomes a problem when someone tries to force others to fit their expectations.

Semi recently I was asked in dms to explain LGBTQ+ stuff by a few different people that were new to it, so I already have explanations ready :D

Note: these explanations use USA names and understandings for things. Other cultures and languages have different words. I am explaining the basics for a lot of aspects of LGBT+ so I won't be explaining a lot of the nuance. Consider this a place to get started in learning what terms to search for so you can find more, or have more words to be able to ask questions :3 The LGBTQIA+ WIKI is a good resource to look up more information.

Explanation under the cut because it's long. I broke it down into 3 sections: biological sex, gender, sexuality/romantic attraction.

Biological Sex

Biological sex, and gender are 2 separate things. Sex determins your gonads (sex organs).

There are many possible chromosome combinations that determine a human's biological sex. It is true that there are 2 combinations that are the most common (XX, XY). The others are rare and affect the body in different ways (X, XXY, XYY, YY, XXXY, etc). Many of these lead to a person having a mix of gonads, may be missing one or more sexual organs or have different hormone balances. This makes them ntersex. The fact that someone is intersex might not be visible if the difference is internal. Because of this many intersex people have no way to know they are intersex without getting a DNA test. There is a very small percent of the population that is innersex. Google gives the number 1.7%, but remember that 1.7% of 8.05 billionis is still tens of millions of people. (Intersex is the I in LGBTQIA+)

Gender

Gender is a collection of expectations and presentations defined by a culture -normally paired to a person's preceived sex. Many things that are normal for a gender in one culture will not be the same in other cultures. These expectations normally define: hair length, clothes, family role, etc). Most people do not fully adhere with the expectations on their gender.

Gender nonconforming means that the person does not conform to the social expectations of their gender beyond the normal deviation. This can include using vocal and visual mannerisms, or pronouns that don't align with their gender. (Feminine men, he/him women, etc )

Cis gender- identifying with your assigned gender at birth. (Man, woman (the binary genders))

Trans gender- not identifying with your assigned gender. (Trans man, trans woman, any nonbinary gender)

Nonbinary is not identifying with the social belief that there are only 2 genders; it is not a 3rd gender. There are multiple genders that don't fit in the binary that fall under the umbrella title of nonbinary. (You might see nonbinary shortened to enby which is from the pronunciation of "NB", but to differentiate it from NB which stands for "not black.") Some common nonbinary genders are agender, demi boy/demi girl, bi gender, and gender fluid (like me :D).

Sexuality (& Romantic Attraction)

Sexuality is what genders you are attracted to -normally uses your gender as a basis. Since the names of many of these were made before it was more widely accepted that there are more than 2 genders, the names often reflect the gender binary. If you research the history of all of them you will find far more nuance.

The term queer was used as a slur for a time, but the community has reclaimed it, and often uses it as an umbrella term for anyone who is LGBTQIA+ (it is also what the Q stands for). Since it was considered a slur, many people aren't comfortable being called it, so it's good practice to not call someone queer without their permission even if they are LGBT+. I really like the term queer and often refer to myself as queer because it can be a lot easier than explaining my specific gender and sexuality.

Straight- attracted to the opposite gender

Gay- men attracted to men

Lesbian- women attracted to women.

Straight, gay, and lesbian are generally considered attracted to exclusively one gender. The term "fluid" can be attached to these to say that while they are mainly attracted to [gender] sometimes they are attracted to other genders. You may also see these terms attached to bisexual to denote preference.

Since gay and lesbian are widely considered attracted to exclusively one gender there are other terms becoming popular that are not as exclusive. Sapphic is women that love women (and can love other genders). Achillean is men that love men (and can love other genders).

It's also worth noting that Straight, Gay and Lesbian are accepting of non binary genders in both who can identify with the sexuality labels, and who they are attracted to.

Enbian- nonbinary people attracted to nonbinary people (this is a semi new term that is still developing.)

Bisexual- there's a lot of debate on the exact meaning, but it has come to be accepted as an umbrella term for people who are attracted to more than one gender. (I fall under this one. I normally say I'm bi/pan fluid because my preference moves around a lot -depends on what characters I've been hyperfixating on recently XD)

Asexual (ace)- someone who does not experience sexual attraction. They may or may not experience sexual desire (horny). They can still experience romantic attraction and crave romantic relationships.

Aromantic (aro)- someone who does not experience romantic attraction. They may or may not experience romantic desire. They can still experience sexual attraction.

Note that Asexual and Aromantic are spectrums. These are the most common that I tend to see, and for a while where used as sub-umbrella terms:

Asexual/aromantic- does not experience attraction

Gray sexual/romantic- experiences attraction in rare circumstance or only when specific things are in place (can be like having very specific taste). Or they can only experience attraction in a mild way.

Demi sexual/romantic- experiences attraction only after forming a bond with a person. For many this is only after knowing someone for a long time, but doesn't always have to be.

Asexual and Aromantic people will often specify their combination. Examples: Asexual Lesbian Romantic; Aromantic Bisexual. (I am Gray bi/pan romantic, and Demi sexual (specifically cupiosexual))

Also, regardless on whether or not someone experiences sexual attraction, they may or may not be accepting of, or like sex. This is normally broken down into 3 umbrella levels: Sex Favorable, Sex Neutral, Sex Repulsed. Sex favorable is considered the normal for non-ace relationships. It's very common for people that experienced sexual abuse to be sex repulsed. (I am sex favorable)

There is a lot of overlap with these, as well as with ace and aro. For example: in fandom and fanfiction spaces expect to find many asexuals that are sex repulsed in real life but love to explore sex in fiction.

One final note: the A in LGBTQIA+ refers to agender, asexual and aromantic. It does not refer to ally.

If anyone has any questions about these, I will do my best to respond and give links to where you can do more reading. For obvious reasons I know more about the parts I identify with, than the parts I don't :3

#mori answered #gender #sexuality #lgbt+

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ourceliumnetwork · 6 months ago

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it's been 15 years since i learned my biofamily didn't actually want me around.

I'd gone off for two weeks away to be a counselor in training at a summer camp. The intention was the potentially try and get hired for the full summer the next year, so it was a good trial run to see how i did far away from my support system for a long period of time. I was 17. I had just gone through a really rough breakup right before i'd left, and i'd been dropped off by my mother - our first time being just the two of us for longer than 3 hours since... maybe since my sister had been born, 14 years prior.

I cherished that car ride with my mother. I was really stoked about it and I thought we were having a great time. It's important to note i'd been away from home for a week or so at a time previously. I'd done sleepaway camp and i've never seen my parents get teary-eyed at dropping me off anywhere. They weren't the most emotionally-vulnerable people i already knew, so it didn't surprise me but like. A little regret and pre-missing wouldn't have hurt but like. We didn't do that as a family - that was a thing I felt alone and expressed on my own time. Expressing it to my family just made them make noises of agreement at me and then try and redirect me to how much fun i was about to have - distraction from my pre-homesickness i guess?

About 3-4 days prior to leaving, i'd been unceremoniously dumped in the middle of a documentary, he then made out with me, and then stayed until dinner was ready which took a whole monopoly game, and then STAYED FOR DINNER before leaving immediately afterwards. i was not in a great place emotionally, but my parents hadn't even noticed i'd been broken up with even when i went and sat on the couch and cried during Ghost Adventures because that had been my first ever shot at a romantic relationship and i was convinced i'd blown it. I was 17 and figured i'd lost my one and only shot at being able to get married and have kids and settle down like a Proper Girl is supposed to do. It was a 2 week "relationship", it's okay i was a slightly delusional 17yo as it was, not to mention all the patriarchy and religious crap i'd absorbed, on top of the worship of capitalism's ballsack.

this is to set the stage for how those two weeks away from everyone i knew would go.

i had a phone with one of those slide-out keyboards (this was just slightly before smartphones took off), and that was my ONLY connection to the outside world. I could technically access facebook, but the wifi in the dorms we were staying in were spotty. I didn't have money for food outside of what was provided during when the campers were on site. So on the weekend between sessions I was surviving off of poptarts from the vending machine while EVERYONE ELSE went to a waterpark together.

including the other counselor in training.

I was EXTREMELY alone for those two weeks.

I was very excited for my time away from home to be done. I wanted to go back to my room, i wanted to be in my space and talk to my friends on my computer because that was the only place i had friends. I wanted my mommy who'd left me there two weeks ago to come back and pick me up and hold me and tell me i existed and was worthy of love. I wanted my dad to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay and that it wasn't my last shot at happiness.

I was the last to be picked up. I was so excited I rushed out on my bad knee, sprinting towards them and launched myself into their arms.

They weren't ready, and quickly disengaged from the hug, teased me for being so excited, teased me for the tears I was feeling well up. Teased me for a speech pattern i didn't know i had but they'd picked up was from me in the interim time and were doing it with sly smiles and joking nudges back and forth for a LONG while before they clued me in on why they were doing that. like. Possibly not until after our lunch.

and I learned i wasn't wanted. I was a joke to my whole family. They talk about me negatively behind my back. And only negatively. They didn't miss me except the ways they could make fun of me.

I'd been gone for two weeks with no money and no support. I came back and nothing changed from that status quo for a while.

I never got hired at that camp the next year. When my application was rejected it hurt, but i also couldn't fathom going away from a summer to be rejected by my peers again and then come home to people who gave zero shits about me.

The next year I went many states away to live with my mom's cousin as a live-in nanny and do an internship at a graphic design company. I had money and more support and love in Louisiana than I'd ever found in Virginia. I never wanted to leave, but i'd already been signed up for classes at the local community college that next year back home, so I had to go back.

My parents weren't even in town to come pick me up from the train station. It was my sister and my Nana who came and got me and they were both irritated by the drive and the wait. No one was excited that I was home again.

I didn't feel missed upon coming back home until I was living with my big-E Ex and i'd gone off to be a counselor at the new camp I'd finally found friends in - it was my third or fourth year, but the first with us living together. I can speculate the actual reasons why he missed me, but the fact of the matter was that he wrapped me up in his arms when i came back and said it hadn't been the same when I was gone.

I didn't have someone miss me like that again after I left him until I met my current partner and we started talking in 2020. I moved away from Virginia to Michigan two years later to join them up here, and my parents didn't care about anything in my life until i wasn't in the same state anymore. they barely cared now that i was out, but it was enough to throw me for a loop.

Where was this interest and need to know how i was doing 15 years ago? where were you? If I'd missed you and you came to visit me and I'd run up to launch myself into your arms, would you have caught me? would you have cried? would you have held me until you absolutely had to let go because you had to go?

they wouldn't have. because it wasn't about me. they didn't miss me. they wanted to look like Good Parents. and by that point, almost 15 years later, I was done.

It's been almost a year since I cut them off more or less successfully. there was a brief allowance of breakage in the no-contact rule for my grandfather passing earlier this summer. I'm.. still working through that fucked up relationship and my feelings about it, but that's not the point. I don't think they'd be excited or happy to see me, because they never were. I don't think it's changed. I think i could be gone for ten years and they'd never miss me.

I think they think they do. but they just miss knowing what to talk about behind my back.

#i didn't have that normal high school bullying i had ADVANCED bullying from my own fucking parents #and that's just one level of the fuckedupedness that happened in my family of origin #follow the readmore for a breakdown of ONE layer of my abandonment issues #putting it all into words does give me the perspective i need - no fucking wonder i have no self-worth #*gestures angrily* OBVIOUSLY i wouldn't! look at that! no fuckin wonder!

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soft-boi-eli · 3 years ago

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Hello Hello!

I just wanted to say I love your fics!

ALSO!

Could I request a CC!SBI X Gn! Insomniac Reader! Where the reader is an insomniac (Obviously-) but is somehow a pro at MC!

Like they are basically god at the game! They also REALLY enjoy horror games! They don’t get scared easily and LOVE horror movies! They basically love anything horror/creepy-

ANYWAYS!!

The reader lives off of ramen and Monster energy drinks (For fun-)! They have a Twitch (Which has about 18 mil followers and 14 mil subs!) and a YouTube channel (Which has 20 mil followers!)

They mainly play horror games (Obviously-) and MC!

You can do headcanons or scenarios/images with the SBI! Maybe like playing a horror game together or MC? OR! Maybe some things they do together? Or when they meet up? Or-to many ideas Nightmare-

ANYWAYS!

I don’t really care! And don’t worry about taking too long on it!

ALSO!

Maybe we could be friends? Only if you want too!

Remember to eat, drink, and get enough sleep!

Yes. I lovesthese ideas and I'm gonna choose headcannons due to they are a bit easierfor me to write.

And yes I'm perfectly fine with being your friend! I'm actually happy to make friends on this app so yeah!

Pronouns:nonbinary

Tw: cussing. Insomia, mentions of horror movies. Mention of horror games. Fluff.

SBI with a horror streamer friend head cannons.

*Ahem* tommy wanted to paly a game with you so you choose a game that didn't look like horror until the middle. He screamed at the jump scare and it made both of your chats so happy.

When phil decides to play with you there is literally a silence after a jump scare. Everyone thought he had a heart attack and honestly so did you until he spoke up about accidently hitting his mute button when he jumped.

Wilbur. He's a bit better then tommy but more scared then phil would be. Any little noise won't get him but when it starts to get noticeable the noiseless to him. The jump scare, he'd fall out of his seat and stay on the ground for a bit. You ask if he's good and he literally doesn't answer. He's dead. You killed him. Congrats.

Techno. He'd handle them a bit better then everyone else. Not as good as you but heisnt very paranoid. He literally runs at the noises trying to get jumpscared. While you run after him telling him to stop because if he doesn't then you'd lose and die. And technoblade never dies.

If you all play together both tommy and wilbur pussy out. Techno last the longest and phil the second longest. While you remain the ruler of horror games.

Now how you all met was dream invited you to the dream smp to add to the chaos. Needless to say it got extremely chaotic due to you being on almost 24 hours. You first ran into techno. He seemed confused and skeptical.

You both found eachothers love for potatoes. You set up camp quote close to techno but not too close.

Phil popped in when he needed something for a build and noticed a new name. Talked to you in chat and asked to join your VC. You both found each other talking for a bit.

Wilbur was next. Wilbur got curious over the new person and just hoppedinto the same VC as you techno and phil. He was quick to realize that you were a famous youtuber. Mainly for your horror videos and your extreme Parkcore skills.

In minecraft that is.

Tommy noticing that all of you were in the same VC joined in with shouting. He was low key jealous that everyone was obsessed with you. Then he saw why.

You literally cracked jokes at his shouting.

"Is that an angry pomeranian? Nah nah. It's an angry child. Even better an angry blonde!" - you.

He was shocked and immediately started joking and laughing with you. He wasn't fully angry for long.

Now about your diet. When they heard that you had only eaten ramen and drank angry drinks they were concerned. You lived quite close to techno so when you guys met up he was shocked that you looked as healthy as you did.

He hated the fact that you literally didn't eat anything else.

You told him occasionally you have something other then ramen but you were just too lazy to really cook anything and that you didn't feel like burning the house down.

One month phil, tommy, wilbur, and techno decided to organize a month long sleep over so that they could celebrate your birthday. Phil being quote the father figure cooked different, but easy dinners every night just so you didn't eat only ramen that day.

When they actually arrived though you got a text from Phil asking about your address in your dms. Not think much of it you just sent him your location.

You were going to take a small nap. Just to bost your energy before you went and streamed later that night.

As you were sleeping there was a car heading to your house.

Phil, wilbur, tommy, and techno were all just existing in the car. And when they arrived to your house they didn't expect to actually see a clean house.

You woke to a loud knock.

When you opened the door in your half dazed state you expected a package. But to see four people standing on your porch.

You nearly jumped out of your skin.

You were stuck there blinking at them.

Finally snapping out of it you let them in. Confused on why in the ever loving fuck they were here.

Phil explained they were here to celebrate your 21st birthday and they were here for a month.

You stared at them for a while. Confused on what to do since you haven't had people over in almost 2 years.

But you got use to it.

So when you got done streaming and smelled something other then ramen you were thrown off guard. Like what was that. I haven't smelled that in years.

But after the second day you got use to it too.

For your birthday phil literally made a feast.

Like he found your favorite food other then ramen and cooked it. With that he prepared everything you could dream of.

Your sleeping habits. Let's dig into those.

I'm in no place to talk as right now it's 3:05 in the morning. And here I am.

But when they are over they don't let you stay up till no 3-4 in the morning. They all know the importance of sleep.

But there are those nights where no once can sleep and it results in a late night stream. And streaming for hours none the less.

The amount of accidental all nighters everyone has pulled was immense. But that's what happens with jet lag, adhd, and insomnia.

Literally you get tired randomly. Sleep for only 3 hours. Wake up. Drink coffee, energy drinks, highly caffeinated tea. And don't sleep till late at night.

Pillow forts.

It's a must and it happens. Horror movies, pillow forts, and snacks. Like you all are in this massive fort, watching horror movies, one by one you all are falling asleep. You and techno were the last up due to technos active mind and your body not letting you sleep.

You two literally just vide there, changing the movies from horror to some silly animated movies, like how to train your dragon, frozen, Luca, and many others.

You two pull an all nighter and it's actually a bet to see how long anyone else takes to notice.

You bet an hour. Techno says all day.

You won. Philza notices the worse eye bags under both you and technos eyes and immediately starts scolding.

He is papa bird and he won't let anyone of his children neglect their needs.

"Did you even drink water at all? You guys should of been sleeping not binge watching horror movies all night!" -philza

You could only offer a smirk, along with a laugh.

"I think we did I just can't fully remember. Also we were watching animated films. Not horror. Surprised you didn't wake up to let it go." - you.

You turn to techno.

"You owe me 15 bucks pig boy!"-you again.

Handing you the money he rolls his eyes. "Yeha yeah. Rub it in." -techno.

Ah yeah they found a horror game that you were scared of surprisingly. It was actually surprisingly you hadn't played it yet.

Outlast.

You had been holding off that game until you finished your other one but here you were. Bored out of your mind.

So you decided fuck it.

That game teriffed the shit out of you. It was so good though.

When you screamed they all came rushing up due to the fact that you never scream.

They say you out of your chair, on the floor, blinking. They thought you were hurt.

But you sat up and looked at your computer.

"Damn. That was actually really good." When you looked behind you and found the boys all staring you smiled and waved.

"You need something?"-you

"You screamed. We heard a thud. We thought you fuckin died!" -tommy.

"No I'm alive. My soul almost divorced my body but it's still quite here."-you

That day made highlights.

The popular y/n actually got jump scared. The one person who never screamed at horror games screamed.

When they left you were sad yes but they were still your best friends. Ready to talk when ever you want.

Sometimes I think that you guys talk all through out the night. Them forgetting that you were actually in a different time zone.

Sometimes they pop into your streams, be it MC, horror, you just talking to your fans, or even the once in the blue moon, cheerful games.

They just pop in and start talking to you. And you talk back like they were there since the beginning.

Phil is now one of your moderators too. Along with tommy, wilbur, and techno. When they pop in they make sure no one picks on you.

And since you are now close to the SBI. You are now part of it.

You didn't choose the fans did. But they are your new family. No matter what.

Even if they disagree with your eating habit.

Or energy drink addiction.

Or insomnia.

Or you mainly playing horror games.

Or you basically living in your streaming room.

Or even the nearly 24 hour streams.

I could go on but I'm not gonna.

I'm tired. But I can sleep. 2 days and I get to have a tour of my new school.

And it took so long to finally get into it.

We have been going through a huge hassle even before school started to get me enrolled.

And then we had to get me into this program.

But now on Monday I get to go in. Get a tour. Then start either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Anyway hope you liked. It's now 3:50 and it's no proof read I'm sorry

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girl-of-many-fandoms · 3 years ago

Text

Stitches // 16

Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader

Summary: After joy comes sorrow.

Warnings: angst, Frank and Amy being adoreable, cliffhanger at the end ;)

Yes, I woke up and chose violence this morning, enjoy :)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 BONUS

MASTERLIST

----

Frank’s POV

My heart’s racing, Y/N and Amy’s screams are muffelled from the gags that were in their mouth, my newborn is crying bloody murder in Vanessa’s arms. I tried to fight against the restraints that bound me to the metal chair in the middle of the room, trying to break free to save them.

“No, no, don’t!”

My voice is hoarse from all the screaming I’ve been doing myself to get Fisk to get his men to back off from my family. Hot tears streamed down all of our faces as we knew what was about to happen.

Wilson Fisk fisted my hair forcing me to look at the two ladies that meant the world to me as his men pressed the barrel of their guns to the back of their skull.

“No, don’t do this, please!” I begged and begged, over and over until I started hiccupping from all my crying. My body is shaking from the sobs that left me. The glimmer of the blade of a knife caught my attention in the corner of my eye.

“Not my baby, no! Vanessa please!” she laughed along with her husband, pressing the blade closer to the child’s neck as if any of this is a fucking joke.

“You should’ve killed me when you had the chance.”

Bang

Gasping, I frantically sat up against the headboard, chest heaving as I regulated my breathing, I’m soaking with sweat. In the darkness of the room I’m still able to make out the outline of my heavily pregnant girlfriend who was still sleeping soundly, unbothered by my thrashing in the bed.

They’re okay Frank

Brushing her cheek with my knuckles I focused on completely calming myself down from that nightmare. This is the third time I’ve had this exact dream for the week and I’m not lying, it fucking terrifies me. I haven’t told her about it the first time I dreamt about it and I can’t bring it up, she’d only stress over it and that’s not good for her or the baby.

You’ve got to talk about it with someone

Releasing a heavy sigh, I leaned down and kissed her forehead and touched her bump before getting out from beneath the covers. Pulling up my grey sweatpants, I left our room to go check on the kid. Quietly, I opened the door and poked my head in.

“I’m awake.” Amy was bundled up in her blanket with her laptop opened on her lap, the light it produced dimly lit up her room.

“Can’t sleep either, huh?” she chewed off a piece of her twizzler as she shook her head no. I guess it’s just one of those nights for us.

“Why are you up anyways? It’s three thirty in the morning.”

“Bad dream, you?”

“Oh me, I never fell asleep. I started watching a movie and then one turned into three and now I’m just biding my time until sunrise.” she said that like it was a normal occurrence that I should’ve been aware of.

“You gonna go back to bed?” the mere thought of closing my eyes to sleep sent shivers down my spine. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping at all for as long as I can after that dream.

“Nah. Instead of being glued to the screen do you want to help me in the nursery? I’ve got a crib that needs to be assembled before the pregnant lady gets upset.” She quickly shut her computer and threw her blanket off as she got to her feet, following me to the room next to hers.

For weeks now Amy has been nagging me about putting together the crib and installing the extra shelves and so on in the baby’s room, at one point I thought she was the one pregnant by the way she kept going on about it.

She’s excited just like the rest of us.

“Alright, dresser first or crib?” I turned the lights on and went over to the nearest box which had the necessary parts for the crib and her eyes lit up. We started removing the items from the box, careful enough not to make any noise to disturb Y/N’s sleep and got to work.

Amy had planted herself on the floor, passing me the screws and parts to go along with it, reading the directions as I assembled it together. We’re both talking about almost any and everything that came to mind at this point to keep ourselves going.

“Frank?”

“Yeah kid, pass me a screw.” looking over at her I stretched out my hand for the screw and she passed it over, her eyes boring into mine.

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” I screwed the last part of the crib before giving her my full attention. Pulling her legs up to her chest she rested her chin on her knees, choosing to look at the floor while she spoke.

“For saving me that night at Lola’s, for actually giving a damn about me.” Amy’s been through a lot in her life, it got crazier with me in it but at least she knows she has someone looking out for her.

“You’re more of a man than my sperm donor could ever be, heck you’ve stuck around much longer than he has. You took me under your wing when you could’ve left me to die but you didn’t.”

“You were scared and outnumbered, if I hadn’t gotten in the mix they would’ve killed you in that bathroom.”

“But you didn’t know that almost two years later we’d be here. You didn’t know if Y/N was going to take you back far less for me, the stray you picked up on the side of the road. That night changed everything for me, I went from begging mixed up with the wrong people to having stability in my life and with that stability I now have parental figures that care about me, no matter how much of a handful I am.'' she really can be a handful from time to time but she knows mine and Y/N’s limit when it comes to tolerating her bullshit.

“You’re right kid, that night I unknowingly adopted a child and it’s worth every crappy thing that followed. Now at the end of all the crap I have a family, something I never considered would happen after that day at the park. By saving you I saved myself kid, one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. Now get over here.” Without a second's notice she got onto her feet and I pulled her in for a hug. She’s not biologically mine but she’s still my kid, I don’t care what anyone else may think, she’s my daughter. With her arms still secured around me she looked up causing me to scoff, just by the look on her face I could tell she’s about to ask for something.

“You buttered me up for something, what is it?”

“I didn’t butter you up, I meant every single word I said. However,” I rolled my eyes but that didn’t phase her as she went on.

“Jacob asked me to go out on a date tonight and I’d really like to go, please? The baby shower starts at four this afternoon and he wants to take me to the movies at eight, I promise I’ll be home by midnight.” she pleaded and after considering it for a couple seconds I caved.

“Fine but remember-”

“To be aware of my surroundings at all times, I can’t afford to let my guard down because Fisk is still out there.”

“Atta girl.” she squeezed me one last time before breaking apart. I trust her to keep her word on being back by midnight as she knows that I would get in my truck and drive through the city until I find her if she doesn’t.

“Help me move this over there.” we both moved the newly assembled crib to where it’s supposed to be and she gasped.

“What?”

“My gift is going to make this even more perfect.”

—

Y/N’s POV

“I look like a beached whale.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Of course you’d say that, you’re the reason I’m this huge.” Frank drained the remnants of his beer, hiding his smile.

The baby shower is in full swing at the Lieberman's residence; Karen did an excellent job with putting this thing together with Sarah's and Amy’s help.

"You look amazing as always." Curtis kissed my cheek in greeting as he joined Frank and I.

"I'm not too late right, have you guys found out the gender yet?"

"No we-" Karen called out for us all, drawing our attention to her on the patio.

"Now that everyone is here, we can get this thing started. Instead of the regular cake cutting or balloon popping reveal, David came up with something else. David!"

"Well this is bound to be good." Frank draped his arm over the back of my chair just as David walked out.

"Oh God!"

"Yes, I knew it!” Frank fist pumped the air as his guess was right. Everyone is laughing and celebrating David's brilliant idea of dressing in a blue t-shirt and diaper with a binky in his mouth.

It's a boy!

David walked over to us and dropped himself in Frank's lap and he went along with it rocking the grown man, talking to him in a different tone.

"You are one heavy ass baby."

"Goo-goo ga-ga." He cooed up at Frank

"Get off of me man." David stood on his feet and removed the binky, everyone still cracking up as they looked on. I am definitely never going to forget this.

"Congrats pal, you're not going to be the only man in the house for much longer."

"It's about time." I faked huffed in annoyance as he leaned down and kissed my bump which the little man inside me seemed to like as he moved around.

"Another male Castle to deal with, how fun?" Curtis sympathetically patted my shoulder knowing exactly what I meant by that.

"Damn, I was hoping it was a girl but hey, a brother is alright with me." Amy came over with a small gift box in her hands and I took it from her.

"You didn't have to buy anything for the baby."

"I know but I wanted too. Open it." I undid the ribbon and removed the top

"It's nothing much but-"

"I love it." I reached in and took out the mobile attachment for the crib to get a closer look at the shapes that hung from it.

It's a nice blend of baby blue and white with dragons and castles.

"I thought I'd get something that's meaningful and since Castle is his last name I got him this."

"Kid.." Frank toyed with the shapes that hung, his throat closing up as he struggled to swallow the lump in his throat.

None of them besides Curtis knows that this is his first baby shower since he had been deployed both times Mariah was pregnant. He got to experience it all this time around, the check-ups, the bizarre cravings, mood swings, everything and today he got the chance of celebrating this moment with people around him that he trusted and considered family, with the exception of Red. They don't know how much any of this really means to him.

"Thank you."

Amy hugged me and returned to Jacob's side on the other side of the lawn. She invited him so that he could formally be introduced to us and Frank almost popped a vessel when they both came walking hand in hand, especially since she wore a dress that showed 'too much skin' according to him.

"I don't like it, not the gift, that." Jacob had his hand on the lower part of her back and I had to stop myself from laughing at his disgusted tone.

"Say it with me Castle, she is of age."

"Something about him doesn't feel right." I put the mobile back into the box and placed it aside.

"You barely had a conversation with the guy, you spent five minutes staring at him. Look, the best thing we could possibly do is to let Amy be happy, don't ruin this for her by scaring the guy away."

"Yeah but what if he's up to something, I mean we don't even know if he's working for Fisk. Amy said that he came in and got the job after her and by the look of it he's been more invested in her." Curtis pushed himself up on his feet and scoffed at his friend.

"Curt?"

"That's a far stretch buddy just let the kid be a kid and if, that's a mad sized if, he does give you more reasons to not trust him, I'll help you figure it out." Curtis walked off to join Karen, Foggy and Matt at the snack table leaving us to talk alone.

"I know you're still on edge from what happened but I'd like to believe that Jacob is just a regular guy that is smitten with Amy."

Frank gave up, leaning back in his seat. He couldn't put a finger on what exactly is off about Jacob but his gut was telling him to not trust the guy. He's dropping this conversation but he's not going to ignore his intuition, he's going to keep a close eye on the guy whispering in Amy’s ear.

“Trust her judgement.”

---

Amy's POV

“Tonight was fun, I honestly thought your dad was going to kill me earlier today though.”

“It was and don't worry about him, he only looks tough on the outside but a complete softie on the inside.”

Jacob and I are on our way back to my place after our date, cutting it pretty close to midnight. He took a right, setting off an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

“You need to turn back, my place is on the other side.” his grip on the wheel tightened a bit as he kept driving in the opposite direction.

“Relax, we’re just going to make a quick stop at my buddy’s place.”

“Jacob, take me home.”

"No."

"Take me home right now!" more red flags raised as he sped up. Reaching over I grabbed onto the wheel, the car swerving on the road as we wrestled.

“You stupid bitch-”

A loud bang echoed throughout the street as the car Amy and Jacob are in crashed into the building they had swerved the car into. One by one the dogs in the area began to bark and the lights in neighbouring apartments turned on as people came out to see what’s happening.

“Call 9-1-1!” A man shouted as he rushed to get down to the vehicle.

Barely conscious, Jacob managed to get out of the car and flee the scene, leaving Amy behind. The kid is trapped in her seat, blood pouring down her face from her busted skull, unconscious.

—

Frank’s POV

“It’s twelve thirty, something’s not right.”

“I’m sure they just lost track of time, they’ll be here any minute.” Y/N’s phone started ringing and she answered.

“Brett?” the colour drained from her face at whatever news he was breaking to her. Her breathing increased and her eyes filled with tears.

“Y/N what is it?” She can’t even speak right now. I ripped the device from her and brought it up to my ears, dreading what he has to say.

“Mahoney, what’s going on?”

“It’s Amy.”

----

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georgie-the-mate · 3 years ago

Text

Turning Red and coming to terms with my sexual identity

Recently, I watched the movie Turning Red with my boyfriend. In case you have not seen it yet. It's a cute story from Disney Pixar that tells the story of a 14 year-old Asian-Canadian girl and the awakening of her "red panda" which serves as an allegory for puberty, menstruation, etc (there are many interpretations out there). For me , however, it was awfully similar to how I figured out my sexual identity as a gay man, my father's reaction when he found out and finally coming to terms and accepting that as a part of me and not something I could take out through a "magical ritual." Keep in mind that, unlike the movie, this happened to me over the course of at least 10 years.

Potential SPOILERS ahead.

The Awakening of the "red panda

In the film, Mei awakens her Panda after a series of events triggered by her emerging interest in boys, namely her drawing fanart of her crush in her notebook. In my case, it all started back when I was around 15. I enjoyed coming back from school and tuning into whatever Disney Channel sitcom was airing at the time. Eventually I found myself more attracted to the male characters, particularly David Henrie's Justin Russo from the Wizards of Waverly Place. This peaked to the point of spending hours online looking for shirtless pictures of the actors and getting highly excited whenever they happened to appear that way on screen. AWOOOGA! I was raised in a very Christian and traditional Latin American family, so at the time I couldn't quite understand it and feared that I could be having sinful thoughts. I dismissed it as a role model desire. After some years I happened to discover gay porn and dating apps like Grindr and this is where my next parallel comes in.

The Parent Shaming.

First to the movie. After her night drawing, Mei's mother comes into her room to find her masterpieces and quickly confronts her. However, instead of talking calmly about it, she rushes to the store where the “model” was working and accuses him of “corrupting”her child.

Alright so this happened to me at least twice or thrice in a couple of different ways. First I was looking for videos of naked men, without really knowing what porn was at the time, and ended up watching porn on the family computer and somehow forgot to delete the browser’s history and close the tabs; HUGE mistake. The next day both of my parents confronted me about it and dismissed it as one of those growing pains never to be talked about again.

Then the second instant I remember of a similar situation was when I was 17. One day my father randomly retrieved my cell phone and went through my messages. At the time I changed schools so I had a conversation with a friend from my previous school in which we were kinda having a bromance moment. My dad took this as him “inciting” into liking men and the worst part is something I discovered many years later. My dad confronted HIM through my phone and apparently even talked to his parents. Naturally we distanced, but when I tried to reconnect he didn’t respond which at the time I couldn’t understand why. If you read this, I am truly sorry for that happening; I had no idea until recently.

Now the most painful and recent instance of the parent shaming. I was 19 years old, already in college and ventured into my first relationship with another man with my first sexual experience; it ended after a few months. Due to that, my hormones were all over the place so I wanted to experiment more and know more people and have more interactions, and so I opened a Grindr account. This time is quite shameful to remember but here it goes. I spoke to literally anyone I could find and sent private pictures to whomever requested them in an attempt to get more action with guys. One day, one of these convos leaked to my dad. I still don’t know who did it but I do hope karma or the universe gets back at him. You might imagine everything that happened after. My dad confronted me and called me lots of different hurtful slurs, told my siblings, my church, ultimately saying I was a disgrace to my family and that I would be kicked out unless I could change my “sinful” ways. I remember he even tried to guard me from the world, not allowing me to go out and over controlling my activities. Which takes us to the next section.

Denial of the true self

After Mei was publicly shamed by her mother for her teenage desires and fantasies she self-criticises and goes hard on herself in an attempt to please her mother and not disappoint her which causes her red panda to appear the next day and she tries to hide it. When her mother finds out about it, she tells her that the Panda is dangerous and she would never have a normal life with it but that there was a cure through a magical ritual to seal the panda forever. Mei then goes on with her life, hating her panda and trying to hide it from the world.

After my father basically disowned me he tried to make a deal with me. I would go to therapy with the pastor from our church and try to change into a “normal person” in order to keep living with him. I didn’t know better at the time so I did the same as Mei and tried to repress my own panda, my homosexuality. During at least three years I hated myself for being gay and the “therapy”only made it worse. I tried to distract from it by joining different clubs in college which ultimately made me sick and worsened my emotional situation. Through the whole therapy sessions I was told that I was living in sin, I had to change and all the usual stuff you are told in conservative churches. In the last session, I had my magic ritual. The pastor would pray and make me verbally renounce to my sinful ways, kick out the “homosexual demon” and try to live in accordance to God’s ancient law. I walked out sad,confused and still hating myself. The following 7 years I entered a deep depression involving self-harm and kinda never looked for professional help or discontinued it due to my awful experience in the “therapy”.

Accepting and embracing the Red Panda

Over the course of the film, Mei discovers that her Panda is well received among her peers. They basically love her panda form so she takes full advantage of it and learns to accept it as a part of herself. However, the day of her ritual comes and in the process she confirms it, she doesn’t want to renounce it, instead she will embrace it as a part of her. Then the whole climax of the movie goes on until the final battle.

For a time I repressed myself and whenever I felt attraction to another man; I resorted to self hate and many times to self harms, many scars still visible to this day. Eventually in 2016 I decided to try another relationship with a man this time taking some precautions and being more weary about it. We lasted for a year and a half in which I cannot deny I was very happy. During that time, my panda became more visible to others: my friends, my sister and new people I met. They love it! Here the whole process of accepting my panda as a part of myself started. I met new people who were also part of the LGBT community and they gave me so much acceptance and love and most importantly made me feel safe. They taught me about embracing and accepting this part of myself. Eventually we broke up with this guy. I was so dependent on him so it led to many toxic interactions, clinginess, refusing to move on and deep depression once again.

The 2020 COVID-19 pandemic came, and finally I was able to give myself some time to heal and move on with my life. During this year I fully grasped the concept of accepting my panda as a part of me and to live with it to the fullest being true to myself. I was finally able to heal from all this trauma and bad experiences with my panda.

Unlike Mei, whose problems were solved overnight, I am still working on it, looking to be better every day. My relationship with my father has never fully recovered from that and he kinda wants to think I was “cured” even if the evidence shows otherwise. I am happier with myself and learned to embrace that part of me. I even gave myself the chance to love again and have been dating a guy for over one and a half years now. We have grown together, each of us contributing to the healing of each other, creating safe spaces and it’s wonderful.

As I said before, I’m still a work in progress but definitely better, and I love how this movie Turning Red resonated with me on this level. Thank you Domee Shi and her team at Pixar for this amazing story and for making these characters' growing pains so relatable in different ways.

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I highly recommend it.

#Turning red #domee shi #coming of age #acceptance #self love #self healing #lgbtq #pride #lgbtq community #red panda #growing up #mindfulness

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conceptsformyowner · 2 years ago

Text

Edging and Overstimulation

Public Toy Journal #14 - 2022 09 18

This week, I was edged and had my face humped, I got put in tight bindings overnight, and I experienced overstimulation for the first time. Enjoy!

Tuesday

On Tuesday, I had been in chastity for a few days when my Owner decided to use me. They fucked their toy’s body while it was trying their best to be a good toy and respect the chastity, and then they jerked off while pressing my face against their crotch, strongly handling me by the hair.

I was left exhausted and frustrated. No release for toy.

Thursday

On Thursday, I had a family lunch and thus I had to spend some time outside without the chain around my waist. This earned me 5 more balcony hours. I now owe 15 hours chained alone and helpless outside in the balcony.

Saturday night

On Saturday night, after giving me my nightly spankings, my Owner chained my collar close to the top bed railing, and then pulled down on my legs until my feet were touching the bottom railing and I was close to choking before fastening them there.

They joined my wrists in front of me with one end of a handcuff link and attached the other end to the front of my collar.

Immobile and pretty helpless, they started kissing me. They grabbed my face strongly and said ‘You’re mine. Your opinions don’t matter. You don’t have any thoughts, any desires. What you want doesn’t matter.’ They started touching me over the sheets while they kissed me and degraded me.

‘You only exist to be restrained, used, tortured, and then abandoned. You’re my toy. I can use you whenever I want, in any way I want, for as long as I want.’ they dictated as they pressed their leg in between my legs and started pleasuring me.

Then they stopped. They let go and backed away.

I whined and tried to reach to keep kissing them but my chain was short and my hands useless. My Owner laughed sincerely and lovingly, and hugged me and caressed me until I fell asleep.

Sunday

Today, they stretched me out like on Saturday, but this time my wrists joined directly to the back of my collar, keeping my elbows up. They fucked me but I was too horny already from before, they made me repeat the mantras while they touched me and pleasured themselves with me. I tried with all my will to stop myself from getting too excited and orgasming, asking them to stop (which is something we’ve talked about and done many times, and they already know it means I’m getting too close) and trying to wriggle out of the way. Which, of course, was impossible.

My Owner stopped, not wanting to give their toy an orgasm, and accidentally giving it a ruined one. They checked if they could keep using me, and I agreed. Determined on being a good toy and giving them everything I could, I kept getting fucked.

I’d heard about overstimulation before but I’d never felt it, I think I’d never had the incentive to. But now, I wanted to be good and take it, I wanted them to use me as many times and as much as they wanted without my bodily “human” limits getting in the way.

Through the strange unknown feeling of getting overstimulation but wanting to go through with it, I stayed good and eventually they finished using their toy.

They got up, put their computer close to me and left it playing pink noise while they left and had a shower, closing the bedroom door behind them and leaving me in the dark, exhausted, in my own filth, stretched and uncomfortable.

The pink noise almost made me sleep, which I’m not allowed to do on beds unless instructed or put in my nightly binds. But luckily I managed to stay awake.

After they came back, we chatted for a bit while I was lying there; chained and drained. They begrudgingly released me from my restraints (which is the only way to release me from my restraints) and then instructed me to clean up after myself.

Once I was done, they came up to me, the now-very-familiar paddle in one hand a coin in the other, and made me face a wall.

Following their instructions, still feeling sort of subby and quite tired from getting used (not that that should ever stop them unless I safeword), I placed the coin in-between my nose and the wall, my head now stuck there.

They made me back up my hips, which I did stumbling and dragging the coin down carefully while pressing my face against the wall, and then they started the nightly spanking. I’m now required to count the strikes outloud.

After counting to ten in between the loud “smack smack”, one for each glute, they finally told me to relax. Laughing, (but, I imagine, a bit disappointed that I didn’t drop the coin and made everything worse for myself) they called me a good toy and took me to bed.

They snuggled me and caressed me, giving me amazing chocolate treats and telling me how good I’d been today.

After taking a warm shower, I am now lying in bed writing this while they prepare an amazing-looking oreo-and-banana dessert 👀.

Final words

This week was very eventful family-and-personal-event-wise, so we spent most of the time simply taking care of each other and trying to survive the ever-exhausting burden of existing. I’m glad to announce we succeeded and are still, in fact, quite alive.

Because of this, we didn’t make much progress on the ‘final words’ items from last week, but that’s ok, this isn’t about making progress, it’s about doing nice things and being okay. Even when it means postponing sessions, or briefly paying less attention to some rules.

Hopefully next week we’ll be better; but if we’re not, that’s alright. We have each other, and a lot of ways to have fun and give each other affection through doing things that my parents would be horrified to hear. Sounds good. I love my Owner.

See you next week!

#text #journal

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feelingofcontent · 3 years ago

Text

DNP Rewatch: What Dan and Phil Text Each Other

Date video was published: 07/15/2018 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 380

The first texting video! And the last main channel video posted during the II tour. (Although we saw their faces a lot in live shows, gaming videos, and on Instagram and stories.)

0:00 - the fact that basically all their clothes on tour also matched the branding was commitment (although much easier for Dan, lol). also, crammed together on the smallest seat in the bus. sure, makes sense

0:28 - lol at Dan’s interpretive dancing? in to back up what Phil is saying

0:45 - that does not seem like the best way to send and save files you might need again

0:50 - lost of gesture mirroring here

1:01 - “I realized we text each other the weirdest stuff” after seeing two videos worth...huge understatement, hahaha

1:14 - appropriate, and also hilarious emoji choices to represent them here

1:27 - lol at Dan doing the thinking face

1:30 - until the second texting video when they seem to send a lot of animojis

1:32 - both of them just smiling at it

1:41 - so based on the timestamp of that first one from Dan’s new phone, all the texts they’re showing in this video are basically from 2018

1:45 - of course. great, completely normal start 😂

2:09 - something I love in this whole video is how they both know exactly what tone they meant when sending the texts and are doing that intonation when reading them out loud

2:15 - also, not the first or apparently even second time Phil had dropped his glasses in the toilet. a real day-to-day concern of his

2:20 - absolutely zero personal space in this video

2:15 - I LOVE this look at their collaboration. also laughing at the thought of them leaving jokes for the other to find in unpublished video titles and such

2:52 - it really isn’t that much better 😂

3:16 - Dan typo number one. also Phil must text from both his phone and his computer sometimes, I’m guessing, but the way his switch from auto-caps being on or not

3:20 - love that they were both thinking of comparing it to Phil’s pizza incident and sent those at probably the same time

3:38 - “we have a noise for that” help 🥺 they’re so strange but they’re so strange together and it’s great

2:52 - that’s a picture Phil also shared on Instagram, from when he was visiting his family in early March before they left for the tour

4:08 - wonder if this is from the same time when Phil was with his family...also Dan still playing Rock Band in 2018 is something

4:12 - “I still love it when you do typos” god Phil, could you sound any fonder 😭

4:29 - definite Phil-bait

4:34 - in both texting videos, Phil with the umm...sexy Instagram ads

4:49 - ahahaha at Phil’s little shrug

5:06 - they really do share a sense of humor, huh

5:27 - “this is peak Dan and Phil...this encapsulates us” really setting this one up

5:32 - “I’m on my way back to Phil” okay there loud-Dan

5:41 - how when Dan just sends a “..” then does Phil know it’s something else he should ask about

6:00 - christ Phil looks so fond about the rat

6:06 - but now getting into some texts from during the tour

6:07 - that looks painful

6:11 - Phil looks shocked that he’s going to get his leg out but then immediately checks to see if it will be in frame, lol. “leg out for the lads” didn’t even phase me by this point of 2018

6:24 - am surprised Dan managed to injure himself like that rather than Phil

6:32 - they don’t show timestamps on most of the screenshots, but this one is from mid-European leg of the tour in Helsinki

6:47 - even if they have separate hotel rooms, they’re still figuring out which one to get together in

7:00 - this hilarious tiny window! Dan’s text reactions to it are fantastic. he can’t even.

7:45 - Phil was amused by “nose deaf”

8:06 - the upside down smiley emoji from Phil 😂

8:19 - oh Phil...not good

8:48 - must have been recent as Phil remembers what he couldn’t find

8:53 - this “dramatic reading” is one of my favorite parts of this video...particularly Phil’s “Tell me every detail”

9:29 - that is loud; tour bus filming must have had a lot of interruptions

9:51 - is this even that funny? they certainly think so

10:13 - absolutely love sassy-Dan

10:26 - that is a large pigeon. this is pre-Steve

10:37 - did Dan just text Phil that emoji when he could see him across the airport or something?

10:56 - they had read this one in the PINOF 9 bloopers. although they said “work them” instead of “stretch them” in that video. I’m guessing the text in this one is the accurate one since it’s a full screenshot

11:05 - love that Dan knows they shared this but has no clue where 😂

11:19 - I know there was hot debate on whether they censored something from above “all the dips,” but I don’t think so. the way Dan seems to text is to send every thought/line as a separate message. we don’t see him use a line break in any other text we see, so I’m thinking he just accidentally had hit enter before typing

11:26 - truly do not understand Phil’s capitalization

11:27 - absolutely love this bit too

11:41 - another one of those Dan lines that randomly goes through my head

11:50 - awww at the wild Dan-hair and casual filming

12:07 - Dan survived a sequel...although not with the old phones, lol

This is still one of my favorite videos. Although it’s definitely been overtaken by the 2021 texting video. Still in shock that we have a pco-era sequel now. The texting in this one is not quite as weird, lol. Maybe because they didn’t share those with us here, or because they were outside/apart more for the texts in this one, rather than mostly texting each other from inside the same house.

This video was posted mid-American leg of the tour before they went on to Australia and New Zealand, and then around Asia. They were finally back home in London on September 22.

#dan and phil #dnp #dnpRewatch #amazingphil #daniel howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #amazingphil videos #What Dan and Phil Text Each Other

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pndnj · 4 years ago

Text

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend.

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41- 1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec, get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone, it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor, cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up, a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all, I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker, i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun, seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some, get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice, i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon, this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

#zayn #yellowmetal #cathartic #feel free to correct me pls #cathartic lyrics

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imthepunchlord · 3 years ago

Note

Do you have any thoughts on how the guardian role is handled lore wise? Would you change much about being the guardian?

Oh yes I do and there's so much that I would change up.

The more we see of the Guardians, the dumber they are and the more pointless they are. To a point it's a wonder if they were worth the inclusion as they don't amount to much and are just useless. I'm putting this undercut as I just go off.

- Lore wise, they set it up that adults are naturally more powerful, so why did Fu pick two kids to fight his battles for him? Why not adults? Why did he leave them on their own instead of offering them some means to have an edge over HM?

- Of the Ladybug and Cat, we have yet to see anything unique that the Cat brings to these fights that the other 15 miraculi that Fu has with him couldn't do. You need a distraction that's going to mess up the akuma? Monkey and Fox. You need a protector/aggressor? Bee, Turtle, or Dragon. Ladybug is a must as its the only cleanser so far and has ML to boot, but Cat doesn't need to be out there, and as soon as HM had quite publicly stated that he wants LB and Cat, Fu should've reclaimed the Cat immediately to secure its safety and that HM won't get both. Another or two could go out to replace it.

- Why was picking Adrien a good idea? If Fu had just arrived in Paris, ok, but Backwarder reveals he's been living in Paris for a while. And with that, he's seen Adrien's face everywhere.s Adrien is potentially the most well known kid in Pari. Technically, for Fu's want of secrecy, why pick the most iconic face in Paris to get a miraculous? That sets up one of your heroes to always have attention on him. Fu picking Adrien doesn't make any logical sense.

- Why is Fu ok with endangering one kid but not the other? Why does Marinette get a test set up that risks her life and Fu's if it hadn't gone well and Adrien just helps an old man up, a common decency that most would do. It's like two extreme differences that don't work well in comparison as Marinette gets the risky test and Adrien it looks like he got his miraculous on a silver platter as he got the far easier one that takes the least effort to be a decent human being.

- Fu being a terrible mentor and hero picker in general and the whole shebang with Syren. If Adrien is not meeting his standards or if he doesn't trust Adrien at all, why is Adrien being allowed to continue as a hero? Or if he really wants Adrien to stay, why isn't he doing anything about Adrien? Why isn't he telling Plagg to encourage Adrien to step up and get serious? If he can take on the role of being Adrien's Chinese teacher, why not do that to try and guide Adrien to improvement so he can also be trusted with Guardian secrets too and truly help Marinette out. He's got two options when he doesn't trust Adrien or finds that he's meeting his standards: he takes the miraculous back or he addresses this issue himself.

- I also call big BS about him not doing anything at all when he comes upon Adrien detransformed on the roof with Plagg. Cause he's risking himself going out to find Chat Noir only to find him detransformed. That realistically should raise some brows and concern him. Adrien at least should've gotten a lecture or warning.

- Also the reveal that kwamis aren't allowed to know about their own power. that to me is off putting. It really stresses that kwamis are beneath them, these very ancient and powerful beings that have probably seen a lot. And canon validates it by making them children (which to me is the writers being lazy so they don't have to do complex characters).

- The whole thing with Fu's backstory. Dumbest backstory I've ever heard and it just paints Guardians in a really bad light, and by extension, real life monks. Monks didn't go to people's homes to take children. If they did take kids with them, those kids had nowhere else to go and offered them a place to stay until old enough to be on their own. And that test, omg, wtf. Ok, I can get the idea of a test of temptation, but there are other ways to perform it without starving a kid. Especially leaving said kid alone unsupervised with 19 powerful miraculi two of which have wish granting abilities. How would the Guardians even know if Fu used a miraculous as they left him alone with mriaculi. If Fu wanted to, he could've made a wish to never be picked.

- Fu didn't even do shit when he finally had a chance to face off against HM. He just sat in his damb ball and allowed himself to get knocked around. At least try and roll over him! Be a ping-pong ball! DO SOMETHING. Like, why did you even pick Turtle??? Turtle wasn't able to do anything against Butterfly! I thought it could as Fu had been ready to go in Origins, plus the 5 are based off Wu Xing, by set up, Fox and Turtle should have some sort of an edge over the Butterfly. But I guess that means there could be other options aside form LB and we can't have that, Marinette's miraculous needs to be the only thing to take on the Butterfly to really stress on the fact that it comes down to only her.

- The memory wipe thing that's an apparently must when you retire from being the Guardian. Honestly I think that should've been saved as a last resort if you're ever captured and could be forced to leak info, not when you retire. Doing so removes a valid source of advisement that a new Guardian can rely on. History is there to learn from it and this tradition removes a source of history to learn from, either from having guidance or seeing what the old did and how you want to change things. This also makes me concerned as I see Adrien taking advantage of an amnesiac Marinette.

- I went off about the NY Special revealing there's more Orders here.

- And lastly, Su-Han, the other Guardian to see aside from Fu. And with him, it solidifies how stupid they all are. When the Butterfly is being misused in Paris, why is someone aggressive and judgmental coming to Paris? Why is this guy even working with kids when he doesn't like kids? And the reveal that Guardians don't use miraculi at all. That just makes that test all the dumber with testers being unsupervised. And for Guardians not meant to use miraculi, how come Marinette gets a nice perk as LB that she can pull a miraculous out of her yo-yo? They're probably playing that she's "the first" to do so but realistically, I'm pressing x to doubt. In the long history of miraculi and when Guardians were around, you expect me to believe that Guardians never used miraculi themselves? What if there was no one to turn to, do they just the disaster happen? ...Well, based on how terrible canon is setting them up, I wouldn't be surprised.

SO.

There is a lot I would change up about the Guardians and for this, I'll adjust canon.

- Adrien gets the ring another way, maybe a gift from his mom or aunt or grandparents. Realistically, there's no logical reason for Fu to pick Adrien. He just has too much attention on him and Chat being an unexpected miraculous user can make him wary, adding to him only trusting Marinette.

- I'd have Fu be more present in Marinette's life, a customer who comes in a lot. This way he can offer advise when needed but not take away from Tikki. And this has him more closely keeping an eye on things.

- I'd change up Fu's backstory. He got separated from his family in a flood, the previous Turtle saved him, tried to help him find his family and with no luck, took him to the Temple, but only the section where other orphans are where they work to help take care of it, oblivious to the miraculous near them. After a year, Fu is one of the few selected to be entrusted with miraculous knowledge. He's surprised but not all that for it as he'd rather go find his family still. Idk how Temple falls but its not that. That was just dumb and avoidable.

- I wouldn't have Adrien meet Fu at all. In truth, it actually could've been cut out entirely as Adrien meeting Fu didn't amount to anything. He doesn't help with Guardian duties, doesn't help pick heroes, hasn't stepped up at all in his role as a partner. And he's not as torn up about Fu's loss as Marinette is. Adrien meeting Fu was pointless in the grand scheme of things. Nothing was progressed or changed from Adrien meeting Fu.

- I'd have HM ONLY getting an edge on Fu because Mayura was there to help him, catching Fu off guard. I want to see the Turtle truly in action, to see what else it can do cause sitting there to be smacked around was just unimpressive. And if Asstruck even did as much research as he could, he'd know that in Chinese mythology, the Turtle is a boss. It's the keeper of history and symbol of immortality, and it's up there with Tiger as an animal that can go toe to toe with the Dragon. And of the Four Symbols (associated with 4 seasons), the Black Turtle is also known as the Black Warrior. There should've been a lot more to Turtle than just sitting in your shell and allowing yourself to be knocked around.

- Su-Han I'd drastically change up. I'd keep in him being critical and stern, but he approaches things smartly and patiently. Before he dives into aggression and accusations, he wants to know what's going on. Why does this 14 yo have the Miracle Box? How was the Butterfly obtained and misused? And what the hell is going on??? How are these people so small and how did they get into this thin glass box?? Computer? What's a computer??? Essentially, have fun with the fact that Su-Han is essentially a time traveler and one great bonding experience to have with Marinette while also offering some good comedy is him learning about the modern time and her acting as his guide. Su-Han can give her guidance that Fu hadn't been able to give, and Marinette can offer her own in a way that Su-Han will need. Which by extension could remove Marinette having a near mental breaking point and revealing herself to Alya, and could avoid some of that drama of what's coming.

- Speaking of which, Adrien. I'd use Su-Han to finally address the issues with Adrien as a hero and partner. Su-Han prioritized Marinette as she has the Miracle Box, but Adrien is someone he'd take the miraculous away from. Adrien would get a very clear warning and call out for his actions and role.

#ask Punchie #long post #Adrien salt #Fu salt #Guardian salt

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cinlat · 3 years ago

Text

Interview with a Fic Writer

I was tagged by @swtorpadawan (Thanks a bunch!)

I’ll tag @kunoichi-ume @tishinada @dimigex @sleepswithvillains @actualanxiousswampwitch @chivalin and anyone else who wants a tag. Feel free to slap my name on it so I can read your answers too.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

42 (I’m now unable to post anymore fics because it’ll mess up this perfect number)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

923,873

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Family is more than Blood

Heart on a Trigger (the sequel to the above)

Echo of Evil (ffxiv)

The Lost Medallion

Odessen Files

Holy crap, Primal Appetites finally got booted out of the top 5.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I absolutely do....even if it takes me a minute. I love reading the comments that come to my email, but since those usually reach me away from my computer, I tend to....forget until I log in to publish something.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

That’s a tough one, but I’ll have to go with Soul of the Bes’bev. It ends with Fynta being forced to acknowledge out loud the lengths that she’s willing to go to, to the one person that she never wants to disappoint.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I mean...are we talking smut? Because all of those have happy endings. No? Okay then how about Shenanigans. This fic will always have a special place in my heart.

7. Do you write crossovers?

I have been known to dabble. The only one currently posted is SWTOR/Naruto crossover shared with @dimigex involving the disasters that are Fynta Wolfe, Theron Shan, Genma Shiranui, and Kakashi Hatake. The aptly named Tounge-in-Cheek

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

One person disagreed with my interpretation of Ma’at as a slave to her families’ expectations rather than a proper slave in Sithy Bunch, but I’d hardy call it hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Do I write smut, haha. Yes, actually, I do. Mostly aggressive given my main subject matter. It is also playful or a way to express deep emotion that must never be spoken aloud because scary. There is lots of flirting, plenty of biting, and satisfaction for all.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not in the sense that someone specifically singled it out. Just that it’s shown up on websites without my permission.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have, it’s always a fun experience. Namely, Thunder and Scars with @kunoichi-ume and Rules of Engagement with @tishinada

I also have several series where each of us writes a chapter and posts it into the same story with Ume, Dimi, and Tish as well.

13. What’s your all time favourite ship?

I’ll never get enough of these two. Art by the amazing @dingoat

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

Sadly, probably Generations of War, the continuation of Our Own that introduces Quinn/Sith Warrior and their 4, head strong and very Force sensitive daughters alongside Jorgan’s triplets. I love the story so much, but I have absolutely no idea where to take it. Waht I have published though can be found >HERE<

15. What are your writing strengths?

Action scene, without a doubt. I enjoy writing the flow of a battle or just movement in general.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

All the squishy, gushy stuff that makes of a romance. Legit, I struggle hard with feelings.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve written a lot of Mando’a into my fics. It was daunting at first, then became fun when I needed to figure out how to string something together to make phrase that wasn’t pre-generated by the online dictionary.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Probably SWTOR

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet, but want to?

Gears of War. Man, I love those stories so so much, but I just...haven’t written anything for it. I reread their books once a year though.

20. What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

I’m going to have to say my Meet Me on the Battlefield series. I don’t even know how many years I’ve been working on this, but I’m into the final book (that I will finished damn it.) with a few in between novellas, if you want to call them that?

#fic writer interview #thanks for the tag #it was fun going through all my old works #i got nostalgic #makes me want to write again #maybe I'll edit something #XD

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wannabemobwife · 4 years ago

Text

Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas - Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Sacrifice

Dad!Mob!Tom x Mom!Mob!Reader

Pairings: Tom Holland x Reader, Rosie Holland x Henry Osterfield

Warnings: Blood, Language, Kidnapping, Typos

Words: 5.5K

Chapter 15: Sacrifice

Words: 5.5K You and Tom didn’t know how to react. You wanted to scream and cry but inside you knew that wouldn’t solve anything. Causing a fit would only give Carter the satisfaction he was looking for. To break the Holland family. Your only daughter had just been taken from you and being held for ransom by some miscreant.

Every time you got a call about Parker and Rosie hurt or missing, you wonder what would’ve happened if you left the mob and took them with you a long time ago. Leading you down a long path of misery and regret.

You didn’t want to take Tom away from his kids but, you never wanted this life for them. You had an image of your idyllic family when you were young, dreaming of your husband coming home everyday after work to your kids, two boys and one girl. Sometimes life doesn’t plan how you wanted it to but, the love you had found is irreplaceable.

Not marrying Tom would have had it’s advantages of not constantly looking over your shoulder. Or scared to death he will come home bruised and beaten or worse, not come home at all. A lifetime without pain but one without your best friend. Tom was the person you wanted to share everything with. He was the one who would let you vent about the stupidest little things. Usually something annoying the kids did, you were the main person with them from ages 0-14. Dealing with everything from runny noses to school projects.

You and Tom knew you could survive anything as long as you continued to love each other but everything that was happening at that moment was new feat. There weren’t guarantees that you would get Rosie back. Praying she wouldn’t come home in a body bag. Thoughts like these always plagued your mind. Especially when Parker was in the hospital after being almost beaten to death.

Losing Rosie was too much, too much you didn’t even want to think about it. If she didn’t come home, you didn’t know where you could go from there. Everything will have lost its meaning. The things you once adored, would offer no importance, including Tom. Your future together seemed bleak if he couldn’t do the one thing he always said he would, protect his family.

You were another story. Sure you didn’t appreciate waking up in a hospital bed. Being blinded by the white lights after some horrific accident but it was you. You knew you were strong and could take care of yourself. But when it came to your kids, all bets were off.

The main focus of everyone was finding Rosie safe. Parker and Haz came back home with an unconscious Henry in Haz’s arms. But no sign of Rosie. Tom was adamant to find out why Carter was targeting Parker.

“Parker what did you do? Carter Wilson is the one who took Rosie,” Tom asked Parker as he walked in along with Haz.

“Who’s Carter Wilson?” Parker questioned.

“Angus Wilson’s son. I ask again, what did you do?” badgered Tom.

“The night of the heist.—“ Parker started but was cut off.

“What heist? My heist? The one on at my casino? That was you?”

“Yeah, we are off topic. We can talk about it later…. So that night I went to tell Wilson I was quitting and then he started running his mouth about how he was the one who killed Charlotte and caused your and mom’s helicopter crash. I couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped,” Parker explained.

“Don’t tell me you killed him,” Tom announced as he shot daggers at Parker.

“I did. You don’t understand. I couldn’t let him get away with everything,” Parker mumbled, Tom’s disappoint washed over him like a wave.

“Holy fuck. Parker how could you be so stupid? Now this guy is out for your head. And he has Rosie.”

“I know dad. I KNOW. I have to fix this,” Parker vocalized.

“No, Parker. You’ve done enough. I can’t lose both my kids. Your mother won’t be able to handle it either. All we can do is treat her kidnapping with money and offer a ransom,” Tom bellowed.

“Dad I’m going,” Parker barked.

“No you are not,” Tom snapped back.

“Why not? A few days ago you couldn’t even look at me. I doubt you’d miss me if I was gone….We can’t just let her die. This is my fault. I caused this. Let me fix it. Let me save Rosie,” Parker pleaded.

“We won’t. She’s not going to die,” Tom asserted.

“If you show up, to wherever she is, without me, he’ll kill her on the spot.” Parker barked. Tom noticed how you turned white as sheet at the mention of ‘death’ and Rosie’s name in the same sentence. Tom begged to comfort you, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good if Tom couldn’t bring Rosie home.

“Y/N, why don’t you go lie down. I promise I’ll get her back, darling,” Tom mentioned as he saw you look broken hearted. Just staring into an imaginary abyss.

“Tom, don’t make promises you can’t keep. Parker, please listen to you dad for once. He’s right, we, I can’t lose both you and Rosie,” you sniffled. Your eyes stained red from crying yourself dry.

“What choice do we have? How are you going to get her back? He made it very clear he only wants one thing, me,” Parker shouted, tried of Tom not trying hard enough.

“END OF DISCUSSION!!! Now go to your room,” Tom growled.

“But dad!” Parker shouted

“No buts. I won’t hear anymore of this,” Tom concluded. “Let the grown ups handle it. I’m sorry Parker but, I won’t lose anyone else.” Tom finished, pushing Parker out of his office and closing the door. Maybe Parker inadvertently kidnapped Rosie, by going after Wilson but Tom had to finish. He needed to prove to himself and you that he could protect his family.

Rosie had no recollection of how she got there. She was sitting tied to chair, wrists and ankles bound, in a huge room with cold crisp air prickling her skin, giving her goosebumps. Her head pounded in her ears, throbbing too much to let her close her eyes.

“Rosie, darling. Wake up. I have big plans for you my dear,” Carter said, gliding over to Rosie tied in a chair, tearing the burlap sack off of her head.

He put two fingers on her chin, to force her to make eye contact. Rosie had been beaten and battered. Her skin stained red from tight ropes around her wrists and ankles. Tears had stopped coming, having cried all of them.

Rosie had given up hope that anyone was coming. She didn’t know if Henry was alive, last seeing him lying an alley.

“Please let me go. I don’t have what you want,” Rosie said, refusing to open her eyes and come face to face with her assailant. “Oh, I know that. But you will help me get him,” spoke Carter, revealing his face.

“If you’re talking about my dad. You’ll never take him alive. He’ll kill you before you even get the chance to load your gun,” Rosie asserted.

“No, I mean the Holland you share a birthday with,” Carter laughed off.

“What do you want with Parker?” Rosie questioned.

“You’ll see soon enough,” Carter finished, covering her face once more with a bag.

Back at the mansion, night had fallen and Tom and Harrison along with several other soldiers were held up in Tom’s office developing a rescue plan. Tom had been doing everything in his power, mostly throwing vast amounts of money to Carter as ransom.

Tom was frustrated that he couldn’t do anything. Not knowing Rosie’s location or Carter’s demands, besides giving up his son, Tom’s hands were tied. More like amputated with a machete, Tom felt helpless.

“Tom, another video from Carter just came through,” Haz informed Tom, playing the video on his computer.

“I don’t even want to look at it. Just tell me if she’s dead or not,” Tom whispered, rubbing his eyes. It was a video of Carter torturing Rosie. Tom wished he could trade places with her. If he could he would in heartbreak.

“I don’t know what more persuasion I can give you. I already have you daughter, now hand him over. Or poor, pretty Rosie over here is going to have a hard time breathing,” Carter reckoned.

“Ohhh, Rosie,” Carter motioned. “Your daddy’s watching. Why don’t you smile pretty for him.”

“Dad, please. Please save me.” Rosie pleaded before her head was plunged in a bucket of frigid water. Carter held her down long enough to where her lungs started to fill up with water but she didn’t stop breathing.

Her pulled her head out forcibly. Rosie came up, gasping for air. She coughed up all the inhaled water. Carter repeated this process three times, each time broke Tom’s heart even more.

Carter needed to show him he meant business.“You have until midnight to bring me Parker. This is your finally warning. Rosie we will learn how much you family truly loves you,” Carter concluded shutting off the video.

“Haz, I have a plan. It involves everyone. I need you to stay here and take care of Y/N. Even if I don’t come back, make sure she is okay. Don’t let her cry over me too much and tell her I love her one more time,” Tom pleaded, he didn’t want to leave you. But sometimes people don’t have a choice.

“Tom, tell her yourself. You’ll be here to take care of her. I’m sure of it. Along with everyone else, okay? But while you are gone I promise to keep her safe.”

“Always looking on the bright side, huh?” Tom quipped.

“I think I got it from Henry. Takes a lot to bring that kid down. Even in this life,” Haz chuckled.

He knew not having Rosie anymore would break him though. Harrison remembers how mopey Henry was when he and Rosie broke up. Refusing to do his chores and waking up late on purpose for school so he wouldn’t have to go.

Haz had never a found a love like that. One where you would put yourself in harms way just so the other wouldn’t even feel and inch of pain. The kind of love, he knew Tom and you had and only hoped Rosie and Henry had.

He couldn’t imagine if Henry had to experience the same type of pain Parker did. Losing Charlotte broke Parker, he was never the same after.

Parker made his way to the guest room, where Henry was recuperating after his concussion. Henry was the only person he could talk to. Everyone would just brush him off and not even give him the chance to make amends. Parker knew Rosie was tangled up in this because of him.

“Henry, I need to talk to you. You awake?” Parker whispered through the door.

“Come in,” Henry responded, Parker surprised he heard him.

“Hey, mate. How ya feeling?” Parker asked, walking into the room very stealthily.

“Shitty physically, shitty emotionally. I let them take her. I should’ve protected her,” Henry lamented, trying to not let the tears that pricked at his eyes fall.

“It’s in the past now. All we can do is try and get her back,” Parker assured. There isn’t really time to dwell on past events. Especially zeros time for what ifs.

“How? You’re being watched like a hawk. We all are.” Henry questioned, but if he knew his best friend at all. Nothing ever stopped him.

“I have a plan,” Parker concluded, explaining everything.

You had been resting in your room, ever since Tom banished you from his office. You understood he was just trying to protect you but it only drove you more insane. Not knowing everything, all the uncertainty was eating you alive.

You sat up in bed trying to fall asleep or at least let your mind stray away from everything long enough to close your eyes. You perked up as Tom walked into the closet, not giving you so much as a glance.

“Tom, are you coming to bed?” You asked as Tom came in your room for a change of clothes.

“I’m afraid not, love. I’ll say good night here. Night sweetheart. I’ll bring her home, please don’t worry,” Tom explained, kissing your forehead.

“If you say so. Good night.” Tom noticed how broken you seemed.

He desperately wanted to hold you and comfort you but he knew it wouldn’t do any good until he brought Rosie home. If he didn’t, he was uncertain of where that left you and him. But he couldn’t let these grim thoughts plague his mind.

Not even 20 minutes later, Parker walked through your door. Right as you were about to shut your eyes. “Mom, I just want to apologize for how I was acting earlier. I’m just scared we won’t get her back.”

“Baby, it’s ok. I am too. But you have to understand, I can’t lose you too.… Wait? Why are you dressed? No. Honey, I know what you are going to do but you can’t,” you cautioned, noticing Parker’s outfit.

“Mom, I can’t let Rosie die knowing I could’ve done something to stop it. I can’t let you stop me.” He said, backing up towards the door to your room.

“Parker, don’t do this. No. No, no no.” you barked as he shut the doors and locked them from the outside.

“I’m sorry mom, I really am. I’ll miss you.” Parker emitted through the shut doors.

“Open these doors, now! Parker get back here! PARKERRRR!!! TOMMMMM!!!” You screamed. They really locked you in your fucking room. Those bastards.

“This is fucking ridiculous. Someone let me out.” You shouted, banging on the door from the inside.

Parker and Henry made their way downstairs, first stopping in the gun room to load up on ammo. Henry had never shot a gun before, well not as much as Parker. Henry was more of the getaway driver. Parker grabbed the keys of the Rolls Royce, even if it was a rescue mission, it will be done in style.

In the garage they were greeted with Tom, loading up the trunk.

“Dad what are you doing here?” Parker asked, hoping he won’t be berated for sneaking out for the hundredth time.

“The same thing you are, going to get Rosie. Thanks for the distraction by the way, would’ve never been able to get passed your mother. How did you convince her?” Tom question, a little surprised that he was able to get passed you.

“I locked her in her room,” Parker mumbled, knowing it shouldn’t have done it but what choice did he have.

“Pfft, oh god. That’s one way to do it,” Tom chuckled at the thought of you locked in your room, like you were in a time out.

“Alright, boys. We have one mission, get Rosie and get out. I won’t be coming with bad news okay?”

“Understood. The Wilsons have taken too much from me. I won’t let them take my sister too.”

“Well said, makes me feel like we are in a movie.” Henry mocked, Parker’s statement.

“Everyone in the car. Seatbelts.” Tom announced as everyone hoped in.

Both Parker and Henry looked at him with an expression of ‘Are you kidding me?’

“What? I’m still concerned for your safety,” Tom concluded pulling out of the estate and embarking to the address Rosie was at.

All the while everyone was risking their lives, you were trapped in your god damm room. The nerve Parker had. You knew it had an influence from Tom.

“I know someone is out there. You can at least answer.” You whispered, voice hoarse from yelling. Yet no one answered, making you believe you were utterly alone.

After a few minutes a voice spoke, “Hi Y/N/N.” It was the voice of Haz.

Over the years you had grown very close to Haz. You would even call him your best friend. He was there for all the big moments. The birth of the twins, someone had to drive you to the hospital and when Tom proposed to you. And of course he was here now. When you needed someone the most.

All you could think about were worst case scenarios. Concerning Rosie, Parker, Tom, even Henry. Everyone had left you alone, you couldn’t even make them stay. The fear of losing them was too much.

“Haz, how could you let them do this to me?” You cried as tears streamed down your face.

“I’m sorry. I had to respect Tom’s wishes,” Haz murmured.

“You didn’t even go, but you let your son. Tom and Parker left with Henry to risk their lives and need to be there…I have to be there. I can’t lose all of them…Haz, I can’t…. I can’t breathe,” you exasperated. The air in then room growing more thin as you hyperventilated.

“Oh my god, I’m coming in. Are you okay?… What the—?” Harrison immediately unlocked the door to come to your aide. Worried he’d find you passed out or something.

Quite the opposite, you were standing there dressed in all black, with a pistol in your hands pointing at the only person standing in your way.

“I need to know where they went,” you said, cocking the gun, directly pointed at his chest.

“Y/N, don’t.” Haz whispered, throwing his hands up in surrender.

“I’m sorry Haz. I really am. But I can’t let Parker do this. Where’d they go?” You asked with an unchanging expression.

“Some warehouse on Adams Ave and 3rd Street. That’s all I know.” Haz said, closing his eyes, knowing Tom will have his head for letting you trick him.

“That’ll do. Thank you. I really don’t want you to follow me,” You mumbled, realizing what you had to do.

“Just get it over with.” Haz commented, holding his hands out to be bounded.

“I’m sorry but this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you,” you apologized as you tied his ankles to chair legs.

“I seriously doubt that. Please make sure Henry gets home safe. Wait, where’d you get these handcuffs,” Haz said as he was bounded to the chair. He soon realized what he was bound with. The hot pink fluffy handcuffs around his wrists were meant to only be used by you and Tom.

“Umm, you don’t want to know and I promise I will.”

“Gross, Y/N. Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Harrison made a face of pure disgust.

“I could say the same to you. Wait, Tom probably hid all the keys. Can I?” You said as you shoved a clean sock as a gag. So he couldn’t scream.

“Take them and go,” he concluded as you pulled the gag out and told you where his car keys were.

“Thank you. I’ll be back with everyone. I promise,” You said, pressing you lips to his cheek before you placed the gag between his teeth.

You quickly hopped into Haz’s jeep and jetted off. Trying to get there, soon enough to stop Tom, Parker and Henry.

At the Carter’s warehouse, Rosie couldn’t shake the taste of blood on her tongue. Carter had gotten a few licks in. A harsh slap to her right cheek, leaving a faint imprint. She couldn’t even soothe it, still restrained rather harshly. The ropes digging into her skin.

“You better hope they get here. And love you as much as they claim they do. Are you sure they didn’t forget about you. For your safe return, I’m asking big. Your brother needs to turn himself over to me,” Carter exclaimed. Rosie tensed at Carter’s ask. She can’t and wouldn’t let Parker die for her. Her face said it all. An expression of pure worry washed over her.

“Ah, there it is. That look. Deep down you know he isn’t coming. You’re more expendable than the golden boy of the Hollands and you’ve known it for years. Save your breath sweetheart. You are an afterthought, just like me,” Carter grinned.

“You’re wrong. I know they are looking for me. Once they find me, there will be no place on earth you can hide,” Rosie spat. Carter continued spewing lies about her and her family.

“I know what it’s like to be the forgotten child. Believe it or not but I had an older brother, Jacob. My father’s pride and joy and when he died, the mob could only be passed to me. My father resented me for taking Jacob’s place, I wasn’t my dad’s first choice neither his second or third or fourth for fucks sake. Hated that daft man. Kind of mad your brother beat me to kill, didn’t get the satisfaction of seeing the life slowly drain from his eyes,” Carter lamented, spilling his darkest thoughts to Rosie.

“You’re psychotic. You shouldn’t have been treated that way but it’s not too late. If you hated your dad so much, why are you after my brother for killing him. Seems like he did you a favor,” Rosie quipped.

“What kind of son would I be if I didn’t avenge his death? I stepped up and the moment Angus died, I became the leader. The same will happen to you,” Carter questioned.

“I have no idea what you are talking about. I’m just the daughter, maybe the forgotten child but not a killer.”

“I’ll wait and see. We are the same Rosie. Sooner or later, once I kill your brother you will be the new Holland to take on the mantle. Don’t you get it, we are the same.”

“You’re wrong. I don’t need validation from my family, I’m glad I don’t have the burden of living like this,” Rosie responded. Not letting him see that his words were piercing her heart.

“Maybe you don’t need it, but you’d appreciate it. All those times of living in the shadows of everyone else. Never being the first choice. ALWAYS BEING SECOND!!! Aren’t you fucking tired? I sure as hell am and there is hell to be paid from all this.” Carter shouted, causing Rosie to thrash in her restraints

“What are you suggesting?”

“Join me. You talk about not wanting this life, but deep down you are mad at the world you weren’t picked first. Like if we were still in grade school lined up against the gym wall waiting to be picked for dodgeball. You have anger, I can feel it. Use it. Let it fuel your vendetta, Rosie you’ll never get a better offer. Don’t let this be another regret,” Carter requested.

“I’d rather die than join you,” Rosie spat at him.

“If your brother doesn’t show up that can be arranged. You see, I’m a man of my word. Hopefully your brother is too,” Carter concluded, leaving the room.

Rosie couldn’t let him see it, but she was crawling her skin. Begging to get away from that heinous man and back in Henry arms.

‘Oh, Henry’ she thought to herself. The last she of him was when she was abducted. Knocked out alongside her. For all she knew he could be dead, cadaverous lying lifeless somewhere. A few tears slipped out as she let those grim thoughts plague her mind.

Rosie owed everything to Henry. Life without him meant nothing at all. He was there when she needed him most but not right at that moment.

Little did she know, Tom, Parker and Henry were all outside of planning how to bring her home safely. “Ok. We don’t know how many people are in there. But since it’s a warehouse Rosie is probably being held in the main garage. Nobody splits up. Henry you have to stay out here. If Rosie comes out, drive off,” Tom explained.

“What? No. I’m going in there.” Henry questioned, a little annoyed they didn’t want them in there. Sure he had never held a gun before or had to deal with a hostage situation, but he wanted to be in there.

“Henry, your dad needs you and Rosie needs you. She needs you if we both don’t make it. She needs you always. Just promise me, you will treat my daughter well,” Tom uttered.

“I will, sir. Parker, when you're giving that bastard hell, don’t give him a shitty threat. I’ll be waiting for all of you. Now go get our girl.” Henry said, realizing that staying outside was for the best.

Tom and Parker slowly, make their way in the warehouse. Quietly to not alert any lurking guards.

“Parker, I don’t know what we’re walking into. I don’t say it enough but, I love you son. Take care of your mother for me if anything happens?” Tom pleaded.

“I love you too, dad. I will, I promise. But nothing is going to happen,” Parker assured Tom.

“I’ll lead the way. Make sure you stay behind me.” Tom whispered, holding two fingers up.

“Psst, dad,” Parker faltered as Tom was throwing him hand signals.

“Parker, I know you haven’t really been in a shoot out, but shut up.”

“I don’t know what that means…Dad stop, I don’t know.”

“Seriously. It means, I go right, you go left and also shut up.”

“Shut up, two fingers means—“ Parker mocked, becoming oblivious to his position. He was standing right in front of an open hallway.

“Parker, shh…. Get back.” Tom whisper-screamed.

“Oh shit.” Tom mentally face palmed as Parker walking right into open sight giving away their position.

Carter’s men immediately pulled out their guns after noticing Parker jump back behind the corner. Tom and Parker both start firing, covering each other. Bullets strike the two assailants, killing them.

“Like I said, I’m leading—“ Tom said, before being disarmed.

“DAD!!” Parker screams as Tom’s gun is knocked out of his hand and one of Carter’s men wrap his hands around Tom’s neck.

“Shoot him.” Tom managed to croak out as his voice grew more hoarse, by his wind pipe being crushed.

“What?” Parker questioned.

“I said shoot him. SHOOT HIM!” Tom’s voice coming out more as a whisper scream.

Parker aimed his gun at the henchman, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to hit Tom. One shot fired, flooring the thug. The hands around Tom’s neck became limp and Tom coughed to catch his breath.

“You closed your eyes!” Tom wheezed, allowing air to once fill his lungs again.

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. You could’ve killed me.”

“I didn’t want to hit you,” Parker explained.

“And closing your eyes, impeding your eyesight would prevent that?” Tom thundered sarcastically.

“Ok, if I’m right, they are keeping Rosie past they corridor and there are about three guards right there. I need to save my bullets. But we can take these guys right?” Tom mentioned.

“I guess so,” Parker hesitated.

“Here I’ll make it a fair fight.” Tom said, holding his gun up from around the corner. He fired blind and all you heard was a thud.

Parker was beyond impressed, his jaw slacked open. “How? Hooowww?”

“Parker, close your mouth. Fists up,” Tom replied, throwing the first punch. Barely making a dent in the man’s chiseled face. More punches were thrown by both Parker and Tom. Tom managed to get one of the assailants in a head lock and with the twist of his wrist, snapped his neck.

Parker tried the same but failed epically, “Damm they make that look so easy in the movies.”

“Alright. I’ll stay here to cover you. Go get your sister,” Tom chuckled. Parker just nodded and went through the corridor, finding Rosie centered in a great room tied to a chair. He approached her slowly, trying to stay quiet.

“No, please. No more torture. Just kill me already,” Rosie pleaded with her eyes shut, trying to stop tears from coming.

“Rosie it’s me,” Parker whispered, placing a hand on her cheek.

“Parker,” Rosie exclaimed. All the hope that had dissipated coming back. She was saved.

“Yeah, its okay. We got you now. You’re safe,” Parker assured her. All her bruises and cuts made his heart clench. She wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.

“Oh, look who finally showed up. Glad you’re somewhat honorable, giving yourself to save your dear sister. The deal was you for her,” Carter jeered coming out of the shadows.

“He’s right. I have to do this,” Parker asserted, going to walk toward him but Rosie grabbed his wrist.

“No you don’t,” Tom yelled, running up to protect Rosie.

“Parker come on,” Rosie begged.

“Are you a man of your word or a sad pathetic little boy?” Carter snickered.

“I’m sorry guys,” Parker pleaded. What choice did he have? Give himself up or have his family be constantly hunted.

“You aren’t taking him.” Tom shouted about to pull out his gun but Carter beat him to it. Shooting him in the left shoulder.

“Daaadddd!” Rosie yelled, dropping to Tom’s level.

“I’m okay, Rosie. I’m okay,” Tom explained, hissing from the pain. His shirt becoming bloodied.

“Come on, I could see you coming from a mile away,” Carter smirked.

“Well did you see this?” Parker said, sending a bullet through his abdomen. Blooded seeped all through his white shirt, the blood loss made him stumble as he fled.

“Rosie, there’s a car outside. Take dad,” Parker disclosed.

“Parker, no. You have to come with is.” Rosie pleaded, tears threatening to fall.

“I’m right behind you. I have to know he is dead. And you have to get dad home.”

“I won’t leave without you. I promise.”

“I’ll be out soon. Go,” Parker motioned. Rosie held Tom close to her body, holding him up as she made her way to the exit.

“Carter, you’re not getting away that easy.” Parker called out, running to the back of the warehouse in search of Carter.

“Come to finish the job? Missing that clean, one shot kill. What was it, execution style?” Carter joshed, coughing as blood filled his mouth.

“Exactly what I’m doing. This bullet was never meant for you but you came after me and my family,” Parker lamented.

“Parker, they’ll never be safe…. The blood you have spilled has marked them for life. They will always be leverage for the man who killed half of London’s mob scene…. Always a pretty penny for your head.” Carter said with labored breaths.

“Shut up, I can protect them,” Parker barked, soon realizing Carter was right.

“They only way you can protect them… is by leaving them.” And with that all life and breath had left Carter. Parker’s thoughts kept coming one after the other. They wouldn’t stop. All the knew was that Rosie was now safe and so was Tom.

Rosie opened the doors to be greeted with her loving boyfriend, Henry. They exchanged a few words, before he attended to Tom.

“Henry,” Rosie whispered, a smile streaked across her face.

“Rosie,” Henry returned, the same smile appeared as he stared at her with pure adoration.

“Tom. Are you okay?” Henry asked, noticing Rosie was carrying him.

“I’m fine. Can we save this love fest for later?” Tom mocked as he clutched his arm.

Not even a minute later, you came running up to the warehouse. You heart stop as you saw a bloodied Tom, “TOM! Oh my god Tom.”

“Y/N?... Baby I’m okay its just a graze.” Tom was surprised to see you here, because he specially left Haz in charge of watching you.

“Owww. What was that for?” He questioned as you punched him in the arm.

“That’s for locking me in my fucking room,” you remarked.

Next what you did, surprised all of them. Who knew anger and adoration were such close emotions. You pressed your lips to his chapped ones. He was surprised by act of love, but relished in your kiss.

“And that’s because I’m so happy to see you,” you whispered, breaking away from a gentle kiss.

“I promise I’ll never leave again. I’m sorry.” Tom whispered against your forehead as the pressed a gentle kiss.

“Rosie, where’s Parker?” you questioned, realizing your family wasn’t whole. You felt your heart sink to your stomach.

“I d-d -don’t know. He was right behind us.” Rosie stammered.

“Henry, I’m going back in. To get him.” Rosie asserted.

“Rosie, please don’t leave me again,” Henry begged.

“He came to save me. Someone has to do the same for him,” Rosie assured.

“I’m going with you,” Henry agreed.

BOOM

As they were running back to the big metal doors, a loud explosion rang through the streets. The building before their eyes burst into flames, before they had the chance to enter. It was engulfed in flames, along with everyone else.

You felt as though your heart stopped and you began to fall to your knees. Buckling under the grief. Tom caught you in his arms as you fell. No one could survive an explosion like that. Not even Parker.

A/n: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Two chapters left, then the sequel series.

Guns, Glamour and Goodfellas Masterlist

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blank-space-daisy13 · 3 years ago

Text

Why I won’t invite my biological father to my wedding.

I wanted to post this on Instagram or Facebook but I don’t want to deal with people saying I’m “drama.” But I wanted to write this out just in case someone is ballsy enough to ask me.

Let’s start off with the fact that after he got with my step mom, he wasn’t really around. He also never really cared or tried to take care of us (my brother and me) unless he absolutely had to.

Before my step mom and when we still lived in the apartment, On nights he had us my mom would drop us off already fed, he’d turn the tv on and go play on his computer until we had to go to bed. If he had us on a weekend, same thing. We’d wake up and he’d feed us breakfast, then tv with him in his room on the computer, lunch, tv, dinner, tv, and bed. When we moved from the apartment we stayed at his buddy’s house where he rented a room but guess what? He’d send us down to the basement all day to watch tv, and let us up for meals.

When my stepmom came into the picture, we started going to Canada. On every single one of his weekends. She was nice, at first. Sooner or later everyone shows their true colors. But she started slowly to get a hold of my dad. (My dad had no boundaries with us and she wanted to “help” my dad learn to discipline, but she’s a little extreme.) I once got punished for saying the word “butt” because we only say, “bum” and he yelled at me. Yelled. I was about 7 or 8. Then I heard my future step mother telling him how good he did. Also while we were there, I remember very few times we actually hung out with my dad. It was always being shoved into the playroom with my brother, future stepsister, and sometimes future stepbrother. (Step mom never had full custody of stepbrother.) We’d never leave the playroom other than for meals like the TV. But at least we weren’t rotting our brains, I guess.

After awhile he decided he wanted 50/50 custody. My stepmom at this point could be brutal emotionally. I remember getting yelled at for not knowing any of my immediate family member’s birthdays. I was about 8 or 9. Kind of shitty don’t you think? Going back to the wanting 50/50 custody, he didn’t actually want us. Looking back I understand this now. He just didn’t want to pay as much child support, and that’s probably the only reason my step mom agreed to this. They treated us (my brother and i) horribly. He moved close to my mom’s to prove he’d be willing to do the 50/50 custody, and at that point it was hell. If we did something wrong, immediately we’d get soap in the mouth. My brother later on was getting hot sauce. It would be for things such as, “not sharing with your step sister,” (which she would’ve lied about) or “talking back,” when as a kid I was asking a simple question about their rules. They had so many rules to the point you didn’t realize you were breaking a rule until they told you it was one. My *fondest* memory was when they’d send us kids to the basement for a few hours during the weekend and then got mad when we went through boxes and such to find toys to play with. Because when they first sent us down there, they sent us down there with nothing at all. Sure we probably shouldn’t have gone through boxes, where my brother and I found our toys that they never put with our step sister’s toys, but they sent us down there with nothing at all. They expected us to “imagine” things with no toys. I also got yelled at one weekend because they asked us to clean our bathrooms. (Step sister and I shared a Jack and Jill bathroom and my brother had his own bathroom as well.) We went and picked things up and went back to play. They both yelled at us and said, “If I had meant pick up I would’ve said pick up. I said CLEAN.” At this point I had never cleaned a bathroom in my life. They gave us the cleaning supplies and we went to work. I did what I thought was the best I could do and then my stepmom yells at me, “That wasn’t nearly long enough!!!! Haven’t you ever cleaned a bathroom before?!” Uh no ma’am, I was literally 10. But that was her favorite way to make us feel like shit. To yell, “Haven’t you done XY&Z before?” Or “You don’t know (blank)?! So disrespectful! You should know these things!” (That was said about the birthdays. Again I was a decently young kid.) But going forward, towards the end of them living there, they had a baby together, my other brother J.

Luckily for my brother and I, he eventually gave up going for the 50/50 custody. But with doing this, he left and we didn’t see him for a long time. 5-6 years approximately. I was 15 when he decided he wanted to see us again, and because of everything we had gone through before, we didn’t want to. I had a choice but my brother didn’t, and I was forced to go.

At this point he had married my stepmother, and was living in the same subdivision, and one road away, where had had a house with my mom when they were married. Kind of awkward but ok.

And I have to say, they were better. To a point. They wanted us to feel bad that we didn’t want to be there. At the time I had a really old phone, not a smart phone, that didn’t lock, but they expected my phone to be on the counter at 9pm every night. They read my texts and held them against me, but when I called them out on reading my texts, they told me I was crazy. I would text my friends that I didn’t want to be there, and that I was uncomfortable. They asked me, “Why don’t you want to be here? Why are you uncomfortable? We understand what we did in the past was wrong, but the past is the past and you have to forgive us!” (One wrong thing I was always taught was you always have to forgive. You don’t always have to forgive for things that hurt you.) Finally at the end of this period, they sat us down and tried to make us feel bad by saying, “If you don’t want to be here, we don’t want you here. We want you to want to be here.” At 15 I tried to explain why this was hard, but they didn’t care. It wasn’t their way so they weren’t ok with it.

Fast forward to my Senior Year of high school, I don’t remember how, but my father and I got in touch. My step mom wanted nothing to do with me because of a dumb YouTube video I made at 14 where I “talked shit” about her daughter and herself. Yes, I did, but who didn’t do something dumb at 14? I wasn’t allowed around their house because HER son had a “drug problem.” (Marijuana) Whatever, I didn’t care. Slowly we lost touch because I was the only one calling, and I got sick of it. I was done. But I was still young.

Fast forward to me being a sophomore in college. I was 20 or 21. My brother had an issue that got the police and CPS involved. My father decided to text me and ask me what was going on. I called him and told him that he had “no fucking reason to know what was going on” because he was never around. He gaslighted me into feeling bad because I cussed him out for 10 minutes. But we kept contact after that because I had thought about it and I wanted to get to know my little brother J more. We did lose contact again but then we gain it back later on.

Skip forward a couple years and I’m talking to my cousin, (another thing was he kept us from his side of the family and I had lost contact with most of them until I was an adult.) my cousin told me he was going to MY little BABY sister’s 1st birthday. My father had been talking to me for a few months at this point and NEVER mentioned I had a baby sister. He told me, “I thought your aunt posted about it. I saw it on Facebook and assumed you knew!” It doesn’t matter whether I saw it on Facebook or not. He should’ve told me. But whatever, I let that go too.

Here is where I get frustrated. I wouldn’t call for a couple weeks because I didn’t think about it. I’ve only seen him twice in the past 9 years. But he would blame me for us not talking, when he’d never call or try to talk to me. It drives me crazy when people think like that. It’s not just my responsibility and mine alone.

Skip forward to a few months ago when he brought up politics. I hated this because I’m mostly liberal/democrat and he’s 100% republican. He called liberals “libtards” and goes, “you’re not a libtard are you?” And when I tell him it’s offensive he says, “It’s just a joke!” But now we’re here and yet again it’s been 2 or 3 months since we’ve spoken because he’s blocked my number. It goes straight to voicemail and my texts aren’t going through as iMessages. I’ve decided after trying for over two months, he’s uninvited to the wedding. He’s never met my fiancé, ever. We were only inviting him to be civil. But if he can’t even speak to me, I feel it’s not my problem, and it’s one less drama issue to worry about at the wedding.

My family can believe what they want. There are so many things left out of this 15 year drama circle of my father just disappearing. And I don’t care anymore. I hope someone asks why he wasn’t invited because I know for a fact he’ll be at least telling the whole family that he wasn’t invited. And I don’t mind sending them this so they can know why.

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