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omniseurs-blog · 5 months ago

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My YouTube comment reposted - mental illness, schizospec, psychosis, ADHD, distrust of doctors, rage/anger vent, loss of childhood, drug use

I was diagnosed with emotional behavioral disorder NOS and ADHD at 4, depression at 10, schizophrenia at 14, changed to schizoaffective bipolar and PTSD at 15. Here's my (and my family's) story.

Before any of my immediate family was born, my paternal great grandpa was... "Quirky", aka delusional and had hallucinations, and my great grandma refused to get him help, because it meant institutionalization or lobotomy. She never told her kids (my paternal grandpa) about it, they simply divorced when the kids were old enough to work. This is still all I will ever know about my great grandpa. My grandpa had his first psychotic break in his 20s or 30s (all I know is my grandma saying he's been insane for a long time, which is why she divorced him) and hid it well enough until his 50s where he was institutionalized and diagnosed "early onset dementia without Alzheimer's features" or something along those lines, he used to call my dad up all the time talking about the mafia and how my mother was poisoning him. My father had his first break in his 20s as well after the birth of my older brother and the death of his brother, but he didn't get treatment until his 30s well after my mother divorced him when I was 3. For a long time I didn't know a single thing about him besides what my mother told me, "he's abusive, he's evil, he's crazy, he's a terrible person" (my mother got diagnosed with BPD recently, so I don't even know if those were lies or not), but one thing she did teach us was that he was schizophrenic.

And then there's me. I was a shy kid, never trusted anybody, didn't play, didn't socialize, took a long time to start speaking, and... Held a very negative view of schizophrenia all the way until I was diagnosed. I was put on ADHD meds at 4, 20mg of adderall, the same age I was diagnosed. I began hallucinating full visible dead and bleeding people because of them and I had paranoia of being followed and watched. My mother did warn the psychiatrist that schizophrenia ran in the family, but my psychiatrist just raised the dose higher, this time 30mg of Ritalin, and put me on risperidone, 5mg... I hallucinated even worse, had crying fits from the delusions, but I was completely and utterly zombified. Why was I zombified on "such a low/starter dose"? Because I was a maybe 60lb F O U R (4) year old. Since the hallucinations and delusions didn't stop, and my mother insisting that I had schizophrenia, the doctor ensured my mother "children can't have schizophrenia" and diagnosed me emotional behavioral disorder NOS, switched me to Vyvanse at 25mg, and switched my risperidone to a common antidepressant I can't remember the name of (Prozac?). Of course, I was perfectly happy then, absolutely off the walls running around, wandering around, all that, so the SCHOOL system said they were going to call CPS because they didn't believe my parents were giving me my medications... Which meant they were the ones dishing out my medications to me and I missed the doses I was supposed to take before bed.

Thankfully, we ended up moving when I turned 10, and the new school never threatened CPS or demanded proof I'm taking my meds, so on my own account, I quit my own meds. I went unmedicated aside from taking a different antidepressant (genuinely can't begin to guess the name) around 12-13. I completely forgot I had any mental illness other than obviously having attention problems, fidgeting more than everyone else, severe anxiety that I thought was normal, and frequent nightmares and bedwetting, and a lack of awareness that I didn't fit in with others (mostly because I didn't have the urge to socialize with anyone). Then... the teenage years hit. My brother was experimenting with dr*gs, weed, LSD, computer duster, m*th, all of the dr*gs that were said to be bad in dare, and I did them too. We got past computer duster and weed, my brother got into worse drugs, new years swung around at 14 and they had some "high quality acid" that turned out to be NBOME, or fake bitter acid that makes even the most mentally stable freak out.

New years 2015, I was 14 years old, we took the fake acid, all 6 of us. People became manifestations of my mental illness, my brother was ADHD, his friends sister was depression, his best friend was anxiety, his best friends gf was PTSD... And his friend was schizophrenia. I was only diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. The TV was talking to me, the music was about me, the universe was going to collapse if I made the wrong move. Sure, a bad trip is a bad trip, but the bad trip didn't end after 12, 24, 48 hours, a week, 2 weeks, a month, 5 months, a year, 2 years, 4 years. 4 years is what it took to START recovering, dozens of different combinations of meds, 20 hospitalizations, 4 different hospitals, 3 different states, countless amounts of doctors, and 3, going on 4, disability applications. From 10th to 12th grade, I missed an average of 100 days per year, had a 0.0gpa, and just barely graduated through GED while experiencing active psychosis

What could've been diagnosed at age 4, what I could've been properly medicated for, what didn't take a genius to figure out. 14 to roughly 18 were all a delusional mess, I'm 23 now. I still act like a 14 year old because... I'm still there. I should still be a kid.

#mental illness #actually mentally ill #mental health #schizophrenia #schizoaffective #schizospec #actually schizophrenic #psychosis #childhood #blog #anti psychiatry #psychiatry #trauma #adhd #actually adhd #complex ptsd #actually ptsd

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ahiddenpath · 2 months ago

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Hidden's Life

Hi guys, I started writing a journal on my computer, as typing is a lot faster than pen and paper. I am sharing my first entry.

Content warning: It's about the "should I have a kid" debate, and it's way more political than what I usually post on my digimon blog. It gets into climate change, the financial and emotional cost of child rearing, and is leftist in tone. I am really struggling with this topic, and I welcome input and conversations. If you want to talk about it and we're pals on Discord, please do! I want to hear from as many people as possible.

The tone is bleak, but in a matter-of-fact way, if that makes sense?

So, I took a two week vacation. I was in Vegas for a few days for the first time, then in a cabin on a river. I’m not going to talk about that much here. Instead, I’m going to focus on life.

Whenever I have a few days off in a row with no plans (which is rare), I like to touch base with myself on where I am in life. I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

I will say that I’m feeling a lot more rested/restored by this vacation than I have been from my vacations over the last few years. Travel takes a ton out of me, and I’m sensitive to time zone changes and general shifts in routine. I’m surrounded by career scientists, many without children (aka people with money to travel), so it’s common to feel like I’m “missing out” or “doing it wrong” if I’m not visiting 1-3 international spots per year. It turns out that. Um. I actually really like the river cabin. Japan last year was amazing, but I came back jet lagged, exhausted, sick, and with a foot injury from power walking for 10-14 hours per day for 2 weeks. More chill domestic vacations may be the way.

But anyway, I wanted to write down my thoughts on the future.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here, so pardon me if I have, but… I’ve been dating my husband since we were 14, and we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 21. For nearly two decades, whenever I asked about children, my husband would shrug and say, “Maybe someday.” This year, for the first time, his answer changed to, “I’d like one child, but I’m not sure if it’s ethical.”

As for me, I’ve never been hit with maternal desire. In my early twenties, I assumed I’d marry my now husband, have kids, and be a stay at home parent. I’m not sure… Why I thought that? Other than that I have no career ambition, and my husband was raised by a stay at home parent. It feels a bit weird to say I lack ambition when I’m a career scientist, but it’s true. I just want to get the most money with the least effort and damage to my physical and mental health. I feel, on some level, I’ve been waiting my whole life for some kind of purpose or desire, but these days… I’m beginning to understand that wanting health and happiness is an amazing goal, and that humans aren’t necessarily meant to find fulfillment from our work. It’s okay if family is your goal! It’s okay if being a hobbit is your goal (being comfy, reading books, taking walks, etc)!

I got my first job when I was 15, I had to get my mom to sign a permission form, lol. I saved all my money and invested it as best I could, which was CDs (at the time they had like a 5% return, and as a teenager I did not really understand investing- that kinda remains true). My mom warned me from early on that she had no money to help me, and my father openly gloated about not being financially responsible for me soon. Like, he’d count down and update me every now and then- only five years until you aren’t my problem anymore, girl! Four years, three, two, one. He apparently still doesn’t understand why I went no contact with him.

I’ve never been laid off or between jobs, just. Working and preparing for a future where I was financially independent since I was 15. So again I wonder. Why??? I thought I would be a stay at home parent, lol! My husband is extremely intelligent, and he graduated straight into a programming job that pays more than I will ever make, so that might have been part of it. But when I got my new job 2 years ago, my package became competitive enough that I now actually… Have a career to lose.

What I’m trying to say here is that I feel conflicted about… everything. Why am I in this job that I don’t like, but I excel at and it pays fairly (or at least, it does since the new job two years ago)? Am I going to do this until I’m in my 60s because capitalism? Do I want a kid? Shouldn’t I know if I want a kid? But then, I can barely scrape together the brain juice to decide what I want for dinner most nights, after spending 8 hrs working and 90 min commuting. Is it any wonder I can’t bring myself to figure out if I want huge life changes or not?

Financially, my husband and I are doing well. We have a house, retirement savings, and we can afford our expenses on my husband’s salary alone. Mine is called upon for things we want, like getting a working shower in the master bathroom this year and the laundry list of smaller home improvements we paid for last year. But when you have a house, there is always more to do. Our roof is probably original to the house, which is 36. If I want our fireplace to work, that will cost at least a few grand. Our heater is too small for the house; if we want to use our finished basement more, we need to replace it with an appropriately sized one.

If I quit now, it will be difficult or impossible to do those things (and by the way, I feel like wanting a correct sized heater, a working master shower, a working fireplace, and a safe roof are not, like, super bougie??? God damn shit’s expensive). (And by the way, I'm aware that HAVING these problems is a privilege, and that is INSANE to me). If I wait too much longer, I’ll be unable to deliver a healthy baby (I’m 35). But if I’m going to have a baby, just one baby, then I want to spend time with them.

Meanwhile, there’s the ethical questions. I’ve searched online for: Is it ethical to have a child during the climate crisis? Interestingly, the hits were mostly about the impact each individual human has on emissions and climate change. Listen, sure, if you really want to be conscientious about it, don’t have more than 2 kids, which keeps your family’s population steady at the micro level. But damn, don’t be guilted out of a family, a totally normal thing, while a few corporations destroy the world for profit and tell you to have fewer babies. God damn! The mythos of the individual’s impact on climate change while companies burn fossil fuels for funsies is some high level con work, holy shit.

I’m not worried about my theoretical kid’s carbon footprint. No man, I’m worried about them having access to clean water, reliable power, food, medicine, and places to live that aren’t storm riddled, underwater, on fire, etc. Oh, and clean air. People who are sensitive to air born pollutants are already dying prematurely, and have been for years. The idea that people think climate change is something you “believe in” like fucking Santa Claus is absolute insanity to me. People are already dying, my brother in Christ.

So like, do I raise and rear this child to die early or have poor quality of life starting now, and rapidly declining? True, humans have literally always faced pressures: plague, economic strife, war, the threat of nuclear fallout, etc. We have babies anyway, partially because we don’t all have education and access to reproductive care, but also because having families is just. A totally normal desire, as is not having them! Having them does have an additional biological push behind it; organisms tend to feel reproductive pressure. It’s evolution’s super fun gift (/sarcasm)! In some ways, having kids feels almost necessary, as it makes people feel hope and desire for a better future. But there must be millions of kiddos existing now, and we’re not doing much to make the world more habitable for them on a global scale.

I want to take a moment to clarify that I am not judging anyone for having children. We should be able to have families. It’s insane that we’re facing these pressures, that so little is being done about it. But as someone who does not have any yet, I find myself grappling with these questions.

So yeah. A.) I’m not sure if I want kids, and my lifestyle does not allow much time or space for reflection. B.) I’m not sure if having children is ethical in the year of our lord 2024. C.) As much as I dislike work, I’m not sure if not working is right for me, either. It’s easy to fall into mental health issues without a structured routine. D.) I have a strong desire for financial security, and it was beaten into me from as far back as I can remember. What will the loss of my income do to my mental health? E.) While we can afford our needs on my husband’s salary, relying on one income is always precarious. Layoffs are a constant threat in tech, and injury, mental health crises, and death can come for anyone. F.) When I was in therapy, my therapist specifically advised me not to stop working and rely on my spouse’s income. I know this is good advice for women, lol! Like, truly, I do get it. My therapist knows about my drive for financial security and my strong support for women. I can say, though, that in 21 years with my husband, he’s never given me reason to doubt him. Not once.

I guess that brings me to another fear of having a kid. Obviously I’m terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, and my country has the worst maternal death rate of the developed world (like… by a long shot). I’m already unhappy with my body and my energy levels; bearing and raising a baby is not. Going. To help. But I’m also worried about the division of labor that goes into childrearing. I’m told Millenial men have made huge strides in combating the deadbeat dad. But when I grew up, every family I knew was held together by the mother. My father worked. He did not do anything else. He didn’t cook, clean, play with or watch the kids, do yard work, make doctor appointments, meet with teachers, shop for the family, chauffeur the kids around, any of it. He didn’t even buy Christmas presents for his own parents, my mom had to do that for him. Most of the households I visited seemed to function the same way. I know my husband wouldn’t do that; hell, as it is, he does more than I do, often in the 90 min per day that I spend commuting. But my understanding is that, when it comes to raising kids, women still take on more of the work on average. And I’m not even sure if I want one, lol!

And the other huge concern is the political scene. If Trump wins in November, or just… Idk, stages a coup or whatever, I… Probably won’t reproduce. As I understand, his proposed administration/Project 2025 is looking to defund public education, continue destroying the planet for the profit of a few people, and generally dismantle everything. I don’t think the country would recover within my childbearing years.

Basically, I don’t know what the hell I want. I suppose I can get another job if I lost the one I have, although I’m told competition is stiff. Once you have a baby, though, you uh… You have a kid, lmao! I admit that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why one would want a baby. The ‘ol pro/con list isn’t looking too great! Like, babies, okay? The good things (in my mind): as we age, we lose more people. It’s common and understandable to want more people to call your own, especially as we age and as life pulls us further apart from people we knew when we were younger. Some people experience reproductive drives, so there is a driving force. Cons: Pregnancy is body altering and life endangering, children produce a horrific and varied array of fluids, they’re sick all the time and make their parents sick too, daycare costs are a second mortgage for five years in my area, taking them to and from daycare and school around work is next to impossible, they make noises and run around (aka, incompatible with my stimulus issues), and I personally don’t have fond childhood memories or warm feelings about family, thanks to my own difficult upbringing.

This is one of those decisions that doesn’t logic on paper. I’m sure most people would say, “Oh, you don’t use logic for this sort of thing!” But then, like. Uh. What are you doing? I have a coworker who is maybe 15 years older than me who talked to me about people my age not having kids (uninvited, I might add, lmao). She was like, whenever I ask someone your age, they give me all these reasons about money and daycare and the difficulties of navigating work around a family where both parents have full time jobs. You just make it work! You’ll figure it out!

And I remember thinking, Ma’am, your youngest is 12. Daycare didn’t cost $2,000-2,400 per month per kid back then, and mortgages and rent were less. Like, sure, yeah, I’ll just have a kid and feed them hopes and dreams, no problem! Mm, delicious.

I don’t know, man. Sometimes I think about all the folks who will never have kids because they can’t afford them, and I feel so enraged. Or the rising infertility rates as our environment and foods become less healthy and our stress increases. Or I think about the people who have kids but can rarely spend time with them (and desperately want to) because they are trying to get the money they need to take care of them. And then there’s people like me, who are so goddamned tired and overwhelmed by their job that they have no brain space to even… Like… Figure out if they want a kid!

Well, there will be no changes until I see how the election and the possible coup go, so I need to put this down for now.

What a fun sentence.

#hidden's life

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midnightt-vice · 8 months ago

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I was 11 when I made my Club Penguin account. I heard about it from a friend and it sounded like fun, so I told my mom about it. It took some convincing and begging for her to be okay with it. My argument was, “You have to select your age group on it before creating an account so you know you’re with people your age.” As a kid I thought that was a pretty solid way to get my mom to say yes. I’ve been using the internet since I was 7 and back then it was dial-up and Barbie and Bratz dress up games. Club Penguin at 11 was a big deal for me because it was one of the most social things for kids.

As an adult though, now I know why my mom was so hesitant to let me have such a social online account and why she talked it over with my dad first. The internet was still in its new phase, a lot of things were happening online, and online kids spaces were becoming more popular. I get why it sounded sketchy to her. But she figured, “Well why not, she knows basic internet safety. Ignore/block people who are bothering you or log off. If they still harass you, come get us.” I didn’t have unlimited, unsupervised access to the computer but I had a lot of freedom with it compared to my older brother.

Then I became old enough to make social media accounts like Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr, and so on. I was 14-15 making my first accounts for those. It was pretty chill for the most part, until a family member would start drama. But that was more of a hassle to fix than it was with a stranger being weird. I could easily block/report a stranger. With family though, I didn’t want them to be angry with me for unfriending/blocking them so I’d have to let my parents handle it, which just brought on a bigger shit storm. My parents and I have always kept to ourselves so whenever something went down, it was always a family member overreacting to a status one of us posted. Something as simple as “hehe funny meme” with no angry undertones or intentions was met with someone wanting it to be about them. I was 15 for God’s sake, I didn’t have beef with anyone. I’ve been harassed more by family than I have with strangers online. Strangers online don’t make it personal, it’s all shit talking. Family knows you to some degree and they will make it personal no matter how low they’ve got to go.

Club Penguin though, it was just my friends and I. I had a group of friends from school that we’d all play Club Penguin with after school/homework. When we upgraded from dial-up to regular internet I was able to be on the phone with them while being online. It was my first voice call. I also had a handful of online friends from Club Penguin that I’d hangout with. My irl friends stopped going on as much but I still loved it, and I loved being with my online friends, so I hung out with them in Club Penguin as much as I could. Until the day came I stopped seeing those friends online, then I myself stopped logging in.

Anyway, after growing up on the internet and seeing many of the changes it’s gone through, seeing all of the social medias coming and going and changing. I can honestly say that Club Penguin was the nicest, tamest, most [kid] friendly social media I’ve ever been on. Admittedly I probably shouldn’t have been on the more grown up ones as a kid, but I did anyway and it’s taught me that Facebook, Instagram etc. suck the life out of you.

I had hardly ANY negative experiences with Club Penguin. I didn’t have to block more than a few people. Anyone that bothered me I either walked away or changed servers. But someone genuinely harassing me in Club Penguin was rare. Every other social media though, all it ever was, was constant arguing and harassment from family and strangers. (More strangers the older I got.) Now there’s bots everywhere online. Someone always wants to fight about something even if you’re just in your own space chilling. People are always angry and have something rude to say.

Club Penguin was legitimately The Chillest place on the internet.

#original post #this ended up being longer than I expected. oops

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morimakesfanart · 1 year ago

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I was born in a country that didn't really advertise the lgbtq Community ( most people are homophobic) I was about 14 when I learned that there were other genders the only ones I knew were boy and girl Im 15 years old now and still have a hard time asking questions about this subject to my parents, Im an internet child and everything I know is from the internet. Im not sure what is correct or wrong because internet people sexualises Im sorry for being silent. I just dont know what I should say

It's totally fine! You don't have to say anything if you aren't comfortable or don't want to. :3 I didn't find out that there were nonbinary genders until I was in my 20's. I thought I was a girl that was a boy sometimes and had no idea that there were other people like me. My parents knew and taught me about gay, lesbian and bisexual when I was 7-8, so I've known for a long time that I wasn't straight. We all get exposed to these things at different rates. (I didn't have private access to the internet until I was 19 when I saved up to get my own computer)

As long as you remain respectful, I am fully willing to answer any questions about my sexuality and gender :3

I'll say it forever: ignorance is not a sin. No one comes into this world knowing everything. And education and exposure to things is absolutely a privilege :3 As long as you are willing to learn and are respectful, it is okay to not know something. It only becomes a problem when someone tries to force others to fit their expectations.

Semi recently I was asked in dms to explain LGBTQ+ stuff by a few different people that were new to it, so I already have explanations ready :D

Note: these explanations use USA names and understandings for things. Other cultures and languages have different words. I am explaining the basics for a lot of aspects of LGBT+ so I won't be explaining a lot of the nuance. Consider this a place to get started in learning what terms to search for so you can find more, or have more words to be able to ask questions :3 The LGBTQIA+ WIKI is a good resource to look up more information.

Explanation under the cut because it's long. I broke it down into 3 sections: biological sex, gender, sexuality/romantic attraction.

Biological Sex

Biological sex, and gender are 2 separate things. Sex determins your gonads (sex organs).

There are many possible chromosome combinations that determine a human's biological sex. It is true that there are 2 combinations that are the most common (XX, XY). The others are rare and affect the body in different ways (X, XXY, XYY, YY, XXXY, etc). Many of these lead to a person having a mix of gonads, may be missing one or more sexual organs or have different hormone balances. This makes them ntersex. The fact that someone is intersex might not be visible if the difference is internal. Because of this many intersex people have no way to know they are intersex without getting a DNA test. There is a very small percent of the population that is innersex. Google gives the number 1.7%, but remember that 1.7% of 8.05 billionis is still tens of millions of people. (Intersex is the I in LGBTQIA+)

Gender

Gender is a collection of expectations and presentations defined by a culture -normally paired to a person's preceived sex. Many things that are normal for a gender in one culture will not be the same in other cultures. These expectations normally define: hair length, clothes, family role, etc). Most people do not fully adhere with the expectations on their gender.

Gender nonconforming means that the person does not conform to the social expectations of their gender beyond the normal deviation. This can include using vocal and visual mannerisms, or pronouns that don't align with their gender. (Feminine men, he/him women, etc )

Cis gender- identifying with your assigned gender at birth. (Man, woman (the binary genders))

Trans gender- not identifying with your assigned gender. (Trans man, trans woman, any nonbinary gender)

Nonbinary is not identifying with the social belief that there are only 2 genders; it is not a 3rd gender. There are multiple genders that don't fit in the binary that fall under the umbrella title of nonbinary. (You might see nonbinary shortened to enby which is from the pronunciation of "NB", but to differentiate it from NB which stands for "not black.") Some common nonbinary genders are agender, demi boy/demi girl, bi gender, and gender fluid (like me :D).

Sexuality (& Romantic Attraction)

Sexuality is what genders you are attracted to -normally uses your gender as a basis. Since the names of many of these were made before it was more widely accepted that there are more than 2 genders, the names often reflect the gender binary. If you research the history of all of them you will find far more nuance.

The term queer was used as a slur for a time, but the community has reclaimed it, and often uses it as an umbrella term for anyone who is LGBTQIA+ (it is also what the Q stands for). Since it was considered a slur, many people aren't comfortable being called it, so it's good practice to not call someone queer without their permission even if they are LGBT+. I really like the term queer and often refer to myself as queer because it can be a lot easier than explaining my specific gender and sexuality.

Straight- attracted to the opposite gender

Gay- men attracted to men

Lesbian- women attracted to women.

Straight, gay, and lesbian are generally considered attracted to exclusively one gender. The term "fluid" can be attached to these to say that while they are mainly attracted to [gender] sometimes they are attracted to other genders. You may also see these terms attached to bisexual to denote preference.

Since gay and lesbian are widely considered attracted to exclusively one gender there are other terms becoming popular that are not as exclusive. Sapphic is women that love women (and can love other genders). Achillean is men that love men (and can love other genders).

It's also worth noting that Straight, Gay and Lesbian are accepting of non binary genders in both who can identify with the sexuality labels, and who they are attracted to.

Enbian- nonbinary people attracted to nonbinary people (this is a semi new term that is still developing.)

Bisexual- there's a lot of debate on the exact meaning, but it has come to be accepted as an umbrella term for people who are attracted to more than one gender. (I fall under this one. I normally say I'm bi/pan fluid because my preference moves around a lot -depends on what characters I've been hyperfixating on recently XD)

Asexual (ace)- someone who does not experience sexual attraction. They may or may not experience sexual desire (horny). They can still experience romantic attraction and crave romantic relationships.

Aromantic (aro)- someone who does not experience romantic attraction. They may or may not experience romantic desire. They can still experience sexual attraction.

Note that Asexual and Aromantic are spectrums. These are the most common that I tend to see, and for a while where used as sub-umbrella terms:

Asexual/aromantic- does not experience attraction

Gray sexual/romantic- experiences attraction in rare circumstance or only when specific things are in place (can be like having very specific taste). Or they can only experience attraction in a mild way.

Demi sexual/romantic- experiences attraction only after forming a bond with a person. For many this is only after knowing someone for a long time, but doesn't always have to be.

Asexual and Aromantic people will often specify their combination. Examples: Asexual Lesbian Romantic; Aromantic Bisexual. (I am Gray bi/pan romantic, and Demi sexual (specifically cupiosexual))

Also, regardless on whether or not someone experiences sexual attraction, they may or may not be accepting of, or like sex. This is normally broken down into 3 umbrella levels: Sex Favorable, Sex Neutral, Sex Repulsed. Sex favorable is considered the normal for non-ace relationships. It's very common for people that experienced sexual abuse to be sex repulsed. (I am sex favorable)

There is a lot of overlap with these, as well as with ace and aro. For example: in fandom and fanfiction spaces expect to find many asexuals that are sex repulsed in real life but love to explore sex in fiction.

One final note: the A in LGBTQIA+ refers to agender, asexual and aromantic. It does not refer to ally.

If anyone has any questions about these, I will do my best to respond and give links to where you can do more reading. For obvious reasons I know more about the parts I identify with, than the parts I don't :3

#mori answered #gender #sexuality #lgbt+

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dredshirtroberts · 5 months ago

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it's been 15 years since i learned my biofamily didn't actually want me around.

I'd gone off for two weeks away to be a counselor in training at a summer camp. The intention was the potentially try and get hired for the full summer the next year, so it was a good trial run to see how i did far away from my support system for a long period of time. I was 17. I had just gone through a really rough breakup right before i'd left, and i'd been dropped off by my mother - our first time being just the two of us for longer than 3 hours since... maybe since my sister had been born, 14 years prior.

I cherished that car ride with my mother. I was really stoked about it and I thought we were having a great time. It's important to note i'd been away from home for a week or so at a time previously. I'd done sleepaway camp and i've never seen my parents get teary-eyed at dropping me off anywhere. They weren't the most emotionally-vulnerable people i already knew, so it didn't surprise me but like. A little regret and pre-missing wouldn't have hurt but like. We didn't do that as a family - that was a thing I felt alone and expressed on my own time. Expressing it to my family just made them make noises of agreement at me and then try and redirect me to how much fun i was about to have - distraction from my pre-homesickness i guess?

About 3-4 days prior to leaving, i'd been unceremoniously dumped in the middle of a documentary, he then made out with me, and then stayed until dinner was ready which took a whole monopoly game, and then STAYED FOR DINNER before leaving immediately afterwards. i was not in a great place emotionally, but my parents hadn't even noticed i'd been broken up with even when i went and sat on the couch and cried during Ghost Adventures because that had been my first ever shot at a romantic relationship and i was convinced i'd blown it. I was 17 and figured i'd lost my one and only shot at being able to get married and have kids and settle down like a Proper Girl is supposed to do. It was a 2 week "relationship", it's okay i was a slightly delusional 17yo as it was, not to mention all the patriarchy and religious crap i'd absorbed, on top of the worship of capitalism's ballsack.

this is to set the stage for how those two weeks away from everyone i knew would go.

i had a phone with one of those slide-out keyboards (this was just slightly before smartphones took off), and that was my ONLY connection to the outside world. I could technically access facebook, but the wifi in the dorms we were staying in were spotty. I didn't have money for food outside of what was provided during when the campers were on site. So on the weekend between sessions I was surviving off of poptarts from the vending machine while EVERYONE ELSE went to a waterpark together.

including the other counselor in training.

I was EXTREMELY alone for those two weeks.

I was very excited for my time away from home to be done. I wanted to go back to my room, i wanted to be in my space and talk to my friends on my computer because that was the only place i had friends. I wanted my mommy who'd left me there two weeks ago to come back and pick me up and hold me and tell me i existed and was worthy of love. I wanted my dad to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay and that it wasn't my last shot at happiness.

I was the last to be picked up. I was so excited I rushed out on my bad knee, sprinting towards them and launched myself into their arms.

They weren't ready, and quickly disengaged from the hug, teased me for being so excited, teased me for the tears I was feeling well up. Teased me for a speech pattern i didn't know i had but they'd picked up was from me in the interim time and were doing it with sly smiles and joking nudges back and forth for a LONG while before they clued me in on why they were doing that. like. Possibly not until after our lunch.

and I learned i wasn't wanted. I was a joke to my whole family. They talk about me negatively behind my back. And only negatively. They didn't miss me except the ways they could make fun of me.

I'd been gone for two weeks with no money and no support. I came back and nothing changed from that status quo for a while.

I never got hired at that camp the next year. When my application was rejected it hurt, but i also couldn't fathom going away from a summer to be rejected by my peers again and then come home to people who gave zero shits about me.

The next year I went many states away to live with my mom's cousin as a live-in nanny and do an internship at a graphic design company. I had money and more support and love in Louisiana than I'd ever found in Virginia. I never wanted to leave, but i'd already been signed up for classes at the local community college that next year back home, so I had to go back.

My parents weren't even in town to come pick me up from the train station. It was my sister and my Nana who came and got me and they were both irritated by the drive and the wait. No one was excited that I was home again.

I didn't feel missed upon coming back home until I was living with my big-E Ex and i'd gone off to be a counselor at the new camp I'd finally found friends in - it was my third or fourth year, but the first with us living together. I can speculate the actual reasons why he missed me, but the fact of the matter was that he wrapped me up in his arms when i came back and said it hadn't been the same when I was gone.

I didn't have someone miss me like that again after I left him until I met my current partner and we started talking in 2020. I moved away from Virginia to Michigan two years later to join them up here, and my parents didn't care about anything in my life until i wasn't in the same state anymore. they barely cared now that i was out, but it was enough to throw me for a loop.

Where was this interest and need to know how i was doing 15 years ago? where were you? If I'd missed you and you came to visit me and I'd run up to launch myself into your arms, would you have caught me? would you have cried? would you have held me until you absolutely had to let go because you had to go?

they wouldn't have. because it wasn't about me. they didn't miss me. they wanted to look like Good Parents. and by that point, almost 15 years later, I was done.

It's been almost a year since I cut them off more or less successfully. there was a brief allowance of breakage in the no-contact rule for my grandfather passing earlier this summer. I'm.. still working through that fucked up relationship and my feelings about it, but that's not the point. I don't think they'd be excited or happy to see me, because they never were. I don't think it's changed. I think i could be gone for ten years and they'd never miss me.

I think they think they do. but they just miss knowing what to talk about behind my back.

#i didn't have that normal high school bullying i had ADVANCED bullying from my own fucking parents #and that's just one level of the fuckedupedness that happened in my family of origin #follow the readmore for a breakdown of ONE layer of my abandonment issues #putting it all into words does give me the perspective i need - no fucking wonder i have no self-worth #*gestures angrily* OBVIOUSLY i wouldn't! look at that! no fuckin wonder!

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lickingyellowpaint · 2 years ago

Text

Turns out I WAS just that bored. Did you know Asks have a character limit for replies? I didn’t. Anyway. Here, nonny:

1. What were your summers like as a kid?

Playing in the backyard with my brother - we had tire swings, if not much else. Did some day camp but don't remember much. Vacations were to family in near neighboring states, not very exciting, but cool for a city kid to get out to the country every so often. Lots of multiplayer computer games on the home network. Cats. Books. Playing Star Wars with neighbor friends with lightsabers for sticks. Rollerblading and biking around the neighborhood until the streetlamps came on. Writing little songs and stories.

2. Do you enjoy thrilling rides like rollercoasters?

Not particularly.

3. Who was your childhood hero?

Mulder and Scully.

4. What is your favorite book?

The Picture of Dorian Gray, forever and always.

5. What do you find most attractive about your crush?

Don't really have any new/exciting crush of any kind.

6. What’s your favorite outfit?

I really do love that jumpsuit I got with the open sides. It's just cool, despite its tweed-ness.

7. Does seeing people in love make you happy? Sad? Annoyed?

None of the above? What people? What context? None of my business, usually, but always happy for friends when they find someone who makes them happy.

8. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

One of my real animal curls up with me every night and purrs up a storm in my arms, and I wouldn't dream of letting Pusheen take her spot.

9. What CD did you play to death as a kid?

Alanis' Jagged Little Pill got a weird amount of play. I was young when it came out, didn't even understand half of it, but liked singing along while doing dishes.

10. Hike to a mountain top to watch the sunrise or drive out of town to stargaze?

The hike/sunrise.

11. What song has the most relatable song lyrics to you?

I love music and lean on it hard and always have, so too many to list.

12. Iced drinks or hot drinks?

Hot. Even in summer. Iced coffee is an abomination to me.

13. Bright colors or neutral tones?

I guess I'll go with bright but it really depends on for what.

14. Breakfast for dinner or pizza for breakfast?

Breakfast pizza usually means there was dinner pizza, so the answer's kinda both? I usually don't eat until after 2 PM, though, so I doubt that still counts as breakfast.

15. Do you have a green thumb or a black thumb?

Black. Unfortunately. My last plant died last month and I'm likely never bothering again.

16. What’s your favorite feature of yours?

My arms. Even at my laziest, I've always had a little tone thanks to bass.

17. Would you rather be a lawyer or a doctor?

Lawyer, I guess. Can't imagine having to deal with calling insurance companies all the time.

18. What type do you tend to go for physically?

Men, lean with some definition but not too muscly. Women, I've found myself temporarily dazzled by all types.

19. Power of invisibility or flight?

Invisibility.

20. Would you rather wake up with your makeup magically done or your hair?

Hair. It's impossible to even brush properly half the time. This would be a welcome blessing.

21. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into?

Not sure. I'm pretty confrontation-avoidant, so fights aren't something that happen often.

22. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone do in public?

I've seen all sorts of things but there's a big difference between Witnessed At Pride/Market Days weird, Boomers Partying In The French Quarter weird, Homeless weird... hell, sometimes I'M the Weird Thing In Public.

23. What’s your dream date?

Not so much dream and not so much date - my usual old preference was one-nighters with tourists I'd never have to see again. So, yeah, I don't think I have one of these...

24. Do you tend to gravitate more toward using logic or intuition to make decisions?

Logic for work, intuition for personal.

25. Do you like parties?

Pre-COVID, yes. Maybe someday again if that's magically not an issue anymore.

26. Did you enjoy high school?

Kind of! I enjoyed research and writing papers, enjoyed being on the school paper staff and the interviewing opportunities it gave me at the time, enjoyed my bizarre little social circle, and all the ill-advised dalliances. Didn't much groove with my fellow IB kids, though.

27. Who is the craziest person in your family and why?

It may have once been my dad, but I'm afraid I've adopted the mantle.

28. What’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Halloween parade.

29. Can you describe your laugh?

Sometimes I'm wheezy but I blame the smoking.

30. Instagram or Twitter?

Twitter - if there's breaking news, I'll venture there for locals' insights. Instagram, you'd have to pay me to give a shit about.

31. What’s a show that everyone loves that you didn’t?

I tried Dexter back in the day. Didn't make it far but can't remember why, just got bored. Most shows I haven't even bothered to try.

32. What song is stuck in your head?

Light My Candle from RENT, all damn day. I saw a RENT poster on the bus this morning and it won't go away.

33. Do you like exercising?

Yes, but I never have the time/privacy anymore to keep to my old routine. Bums me out. Could go to a gym but that's money and even less privacy. But YES I LIKE IT AND I MISS IT VERY MUCH.

34. Do you scare easily?

From horror movies? No. From average everyday occurrences that trigger my CPTSD? Damn near daily.

35. Who are your top 5 celebrity crushes?

I've decided to allow myself ONE skip in this survey and I'll use it here

36. If you could learn one language fluently what would it be?

Probably the language most common amongst my job's regulars, so I could better communicate at work and thus better help people.

37. Would you fly to the moon if given the opportunity?

Doubtful - likely too scared of what could go wrong.

38. What’s your favorite flower?

Sunflowers are slightly special to me.

39. What non-sexual touch affects you the most?

Used to like having my hair petted but very rarely.

40. Do you enjoy cuddling?

I can't truly relax, never know where to put my limbs, overheat way too quickly, and always feel like the other person must expect something from even my expression, that it should appear happy because of the cuddling. So, my face muscles start getting jerky and weird and deep down I hate it. It all makes me tense, too warm, and unsure of myself in every respect.

41. Do you like valentine’s day?

I don't celebrate it but I don't outright despise it either. The real holiday is, of course, the next day when the candy goes on sale.

42. Do you enjoy driving and are you a good driver?

Never driven in my life and hope to never have to.

43. What would you be most likely to become famous for?

Damned if I know. I used to think I might want it through writing, but fame seems exhausting, and my last good book idea, I tossed because someone else wrote the exact thing before I did. Soooooooooo, probably something really weird and un-sober. Like, Local Eats Too Many Edibles And Attempts To Leave Zoo With Meerkats In Pockets.

44. Do you have a favorite quote?

It's a Stephen Crane poem, but:

I saw a man pursuing the horizon; Round and round they sped. I was disturbed at this; I accosted the man. “It is futile,” I said, “You can never —” “You lie,” he cried, And ran on.

45. Are you a romantic?

lmao no

46. Do you have any tattoos or want to get one?

I have so many. One more in mind but the finances won't allow.

47. Biggest pet peeve?

Currently? Every asshat who thinks personal calls on speakerphone, or watching videos without headphones, in a shared public space is an okay thing to do. Apparently there's a huge section of the population that was never taught how to behave politely. And so many of them come into my job, jesus shitting christ.

48. Favorite personality trait about yourself?

Resourcefulness.

49. Sum up your type in three words.

Creative. Charismatic. Frugal.

50. Do you listen to Kpop and if so who is your bias and why?

Nope.

51. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed awake?

It was either 41 or 42 hours. Hallucinations happened at the end there. Not a fun time.

52. Hot or cold weather?

COLD. Anything above 75 or so can go back to hell from whence it came.

53. Bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates?

Chocolates always.

54. Can you do any good impressions?

I'm a great mimic with a wide vocal range but I don't use it as a party trick or anything, just for my own entertainment and acting practice.

55. What’s the best prank you’ve been witness to?

No idea. I pulled a good one on an old roomie but it's too long a story to bother with.

56. Favorite dessert?

Might be baklava.

57. Is there a vine or tik tok you quote often?

Yes but its audio was yoinked and used elsewhere, so I couldn't possibly say where it actually originated from.

58. What tumblr post always makes you laugh?

the salvador deli lmao

59. What country that you haven’t been to do you want to visit most?

Most would require flying, so, none.

60. Can you cook and do you enjoy it?

I'm a pretty decent cook and do enjoy it, but 99% of the time I'm gonna save effort, time, money and my weird digestive system by just munching on a sandwich instead. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

61. What’s your guilty pleasure movie?

I'm trying to think if I love any movies that are so bad, they'd have to be guilty pleasures rather than regular ones. Maybe Roger Daltrey's version of The Beggar's Opera. I've got to be one of the few weirdos on the planet that enjoys that on a regular basis, right?

62. What’s your comfort movie?

Fantasia.

63. Is there a genre of music you don’t like?

Metal.

64. What’s an album that you think has no skips on it?

The Who's Quadrophenia, I answer for the sixty bajillionth time because my answer will never change.

65. What’s your favorite thing to watch on youtube?

Obscure movies from between 1920-1990.

66. Would you make the first move to ask someone out?

Not something I have to worry about but yeah, that's one area I do have actual social confidence in.

67. Do you often dream or have nightmares that you remember when you wake up?

Pretty often, yeah.

68. What are you craving right now?

Well, now that I mentioned it, baklava. -.-

69. What turns you on? Plenty of things. But I’m not about to list them on the designated horny freaks website, c’mon now.

70. What’s something you haven’t done that you think most people have?

Driven a vehicle.

71. What genre is your favorite playlist right now and what’s it called?

I'm back to using YT more often than Spotify, and I don't even log into YT, so no playlists.

72. Are you a sad or happy drunk? Chill or energetic drunk?

Depends on the mood I was in when I started drinking. Tends to amplify it, whatever it may be.

73. What time of day do you like best?

Night.

74. Do you tend to enjoy being babied or do you prefer to be the one taking care of someone else?

I'll do or accept what I have to in emergencies, but neither? Handle your own shit day-to-day and let others do the same for the most part, is how I see it.

75. What top three cities do you want to travel to?

I'm gonna double the answer here, because I'd love to see Aspen, LA and San Fran again, but for places I HAVEN'T been to: Nashville, DC, and Savannah. (This list could def be less America-centric, but the plane thing...)

76. What’s your favorite feature about your best friend?

The fact he's pulled himself out of terrible health situations and is all the better for it - he's stronger than he thinks!

77. Do you have any pets? What are their names?

Three cats and, unfortunately, now a mere two fishies. The other recent tank additions didn't last long. :( But one of the originals is still kicking and seems to like his new friend.

78. Back scratches or having your hair played with?

Used to be hair, but nowadays I just prefer not to be touched altogether. Hugs are okay, but that's it.

79. Do you like surprises?

I mean.... it really fucking depends what kind, doesn't it?

80. What’s your favorite picture of yourself?

Idk.

81. What books influenced you most as a child?

A whole bunch of ghost, paranormal, UFO and conspiracy books. I was THAT kid lol

82. Do you like kids?

I can pretend to like them for the brief period I am around them - no harm/no foul in that, so long as you act genuine enough: happy eyes, happy tones, engagement, listening, saying encouraging things. It's their feelings about the interaction that matter, not mine. But do I like them? No. They're usually stickier and louder than I can deal with.

83. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? (or other accessory if you don’t wear any)

I switch fave necklaces every few years. I'll rock a piece daily for months on end, then suddenly change it up and wear the new one for months. I have a chunky silver bracelet I like a whole lot but I really don't remember to put jewelry on much unless I'm having A Very Aesthetic Day.

84. Any wild stories passed around in your family?

A great-aunt was somewhat close with John Dillinger, but I don't know any specific wild stories about that. Dad managed bands in the 80s and I don't think I was allowed to know the best stories there, though his friend told me one about them ripping through an obscene amount of blow in one weekend. Parents used to see Dahmer in the neighborhood sometimes because of the bathhouse down the block, and Gacy at least once. Most other wild family stories are my fault, and I'm not around for what are probably the cautionary tale retellings.

85. Do you consider yourself an independent person?

Yessssssss.

86. What are you most comfortable sleeping in?

Whatever I happened to spend the day in.

87. What was your childhood dream?

And again, 'Dana Scully' is more or less the answer.

88. What’s your fictional OTP?

I've had a few, which immediately invalidates the O in OTP - changes about once a decade, though.

89. What’s one thing you want to achieve this year?

HA, joke's on you, year's almost up, I don't have to achieve shit. Take THAT, survey.

90. What has been your favorite book you’ve read in the last 5 years?

Torn between Breakfast at Tiffany's, because such a refreshingly less cheesy ending than the movie, and Catcher in the Rye.

91. What was the first movie to make you cry?

I assume Wizard of Oz? I distinctly remember being distraught that it was over and making my mom put it on all over again from the start.

92. What book world would you live in if given the opportunity?

Not sure. Maybe LOTR, for the peace of the Shire and the chance to possibly encounter Aragorn's fine ass.

93. What’s your craziest work related story?

That a former employer became a murder victim whose case went famous, probably. I've also got some crazy tales from the skip-tracing stint, but I may be saving those up for a future memoir.

94. What’s the best job you’ve had so far?

My current one. Best pay + best boss + less demanding work than past jobs = bliss.

95. Worst tinder or date experience?

......see, I'm really wracking my brain here, and idk. Instant clinginess has put me off quickly in the past, though.

96. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up most mornings?

Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......

97. Are you more of a planner or a spontaneous adventurer?

Spontaneous. Plans, I usually make and then have zero energy for, day of. But hit me up on the day of a Thing, whether that be a concert or a three-day ride-along out of state in a trucker friend's cab, and I might well be down so long as work sched allows.

98. Do you think you see yourself the way other people see you?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Doubtful.

99. What’s the last show you binged?

Watched four episodes of Wings today just because it was on and I loved that show as a kid. It holds up so well. (Lowell is such a himbo, god bless him.) But does four episodes count, or has the definition of 'binge' been irrevocably changed by the Netflix era?

100. What’s one of your fondest memories?

Every single New Orleans trip had its own unique magic - there's a balcony on Burgundy I'd love to be standing on again, simply taking in the night air and reminiscing.

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soft-boi-eli · 3 years ago

Note

Hello Hello!

I just wanted to say I love your fics!

ALSO!

Could I request a CC!SBI X Gn! Insomniac Reader! Where the reader is an insomniac (Obviously-) but is somehow a pro at MC!

Like they are basically god at the game! They also REALLY enjoy horror games! They don’t get scared easily and LOVE horror movies! They basically love anything horror/creepy-

ANYWAYS!!

The reader lives off of ramen and Monster energy drinks (For fun-)! They have a Twitch (Which has about 18 mil followers and 14 mil subs!) and a YouTube channel (Which has 20 mil followers!)

They mainly play horror games (Obviously-) and MC!

You can do headcanons or scenarios/images with the SBI! Maybe like playing a horror game together or MC? OR! Maybe some things they do together? Or when they meet up? Or-to many ideas Nightmare-

ANYWAYS!

I don’t really care! And don’t worry about taking too long on it!

ALSO!

Maybe we could be friends? Only if you want too!

Remember to eat, drink, and get enough sleep!

Yes. I lovesthese ideas and I'm gonna choose headcannons due to they are a bit easierfor me to write.

And yes I'm perfectly fine with being your friend! I'm actually happy to make friends on this app so yeah!

Pronouns:nonbinary

Tw: cussing. Insomia, mentions of horror movies. Mention of horror games. Fluff.

SBI with a horror streamer friend head cannons.

*Ahem* tommy wanted to paly a game with you so you choose a game that didn't look like horror until the middle. He screamed at the jump scare and it made both of your chats so happy.

When phil decides to play with you there is literally a silence after a jump scare. Everyone thought he had a heart attack and honestly so did you until he spoke up about accidently hitting his mute button when he jumped.

Wilbur. He's a bit better then tommy but more scared then phil would be. Any little noise won't get him but when it starts to get noticeable the noiseless to him. The jump scare, he'd fall out of his seat and stay on the ground for a bit. You ask if he's good and he literally doesn't answer. He's dead. You killed him. Congrats.

Techno. He'd handle them a bit better then everyone else. Not as good as you but heisnt very paranoid. He literally runs at the noises trying to get jumpscared. While you run after him telling him to stop because if he doesn't then you'd lose and die. And technoblade never dies.

If you all play together both tommy and wilbur pussy out. Techno last the longest and phil the second longest. While you remain the ruler of horror games.

Now how you all met was dream invited you to the dream smp to add to the chaos. Needless to say it got extremely chaotic due to you being on almost 24 hours. You first ran into techno. He seemed confused and skeptical.

You both found eachothers love for potatoes. You set up camp quote close to techno but not too close.

Phil popped in when he needed something for a build and noticed a new name. Talked to you in chat and asked to join your VC. You both found each other talking for a bit.

Wilbur was next. Wilbur got curious over the new person and just hoppedinto the same VC as you techno and phil. He was quick to realize that you were a famous youtuber. Mainly for your horror videos and your extreme Parkcore skills.

In minecraft that is.

Tommy noticing that all of you were in the same VC joined in with shouting. He was low key jealous that everyone was obsessed with you. Then he saw why.

You literally cracked jokes at his shouting.

"Is that an angry pomeranian? Nah nah. It's an angry child. Even better an angry blonde!" - you.

He was shocked and immediately started joking and laughing with you. He wasn't fully angry for long.

Now about your diet. When they heard that you had only eaten ramen and drank angry drinks they were concerned. You lived quite close to techno so when you guys met up he was shocked that you looked as healthy as you did.

He hated the fact that you literally didn't eat anything else.

You told him occasionally you have something other then ramen but you were just too lazy to really cook anything and that you didn't feel like burning the house down.

One month phil, tommy, wilbur, and techno decided to organize a month long sleep over so that they could celebrate your birthday. Phil being quote the father figure cooked different, but easy dinners every night just so you didn't eat only ramen that day.

When they actually arrived though you got a text from Phil asking about your address in your dms. Not think much of it you just sent him your location.

You were going to take a small nap. Just to bost your energy before you went and streamed later that night.

As you were sleeping there was a car heading to your house.

Phil, wilbur, tommy, and techno were all just existing in the car. And when they arrived to your house they didn't expect to actually see a clean house.

You woke to a loud knock.

When you opened the door in your half dazed state you expected a package. But to see four people standing on your porch.

You nearly jumped out of your skin.

You were stuck there blinking at them.

Finally snapping out of it you let them in. Confused on why in the ever loving fuck they were here.

Phil explained they were here to celebrate your 21st birthday and they were here for a month.

You stared at them for a while. Confused on what to do since you haven't had people over in almost 2 years.

But you got use to it.

So when you got done streaming and smelled something other then ramen you were thrown off guard. Like what was that. I haven't smelled that in years.

But after the second day you got use to it too.

For your birthday phil literally made a feast.

Like he found your favorite food other then ramen and cooked it. With that he prepared everything you could dream of.

Your sleeping habits. Let's dig into those.

I'm in no place to talk as right now it's 3:05 in the morning. And here I am.

But when they are over they don't let you stay up till no 3-4 in the morning. They all know the importance of sleep.

But there are those nights where no once can sleep and it results in a late night stream. And streaming for hours none the less.

The amount of accidental all nighters everyone has pulled was immense. But that's what happens with jet lag, adhd, and insomnia.

Literally you get tired randomly. Sleep for only 3 hours. Wake up. Drink coffee, energy drinks, highly caffeinated tea. And don't sleep till late at night.

Pillow forts.

It's a must and it happens. Horror movies, pillow forts, and snacks. Like you all are in this massive fort, watching horror movies, one by one you all are falling asleep. You and techno were the last up due to technos active mind and your body not letting you sleep.

You two literally just vide there, changing the movies from horror to some silly animated movies, like how to train your dragon, frozen, Luca, and many others.

You two pull an all nighter and it's actually a bet to see how long anyone else takes to notice.

You bet an hour. Techno says all day.

You won. Philza notices the worse eye bags under both you and technos eyes and immediately starts scolding.

He is papa bird and he won't let anyone of his children neglect their needs.

"Did you even drink water at all? You guys should of been sleeping not binge watching horror movies all night!" -philza

You could only offer a smirk, along with a laugh.

"I think we did I just can't fully remember. Also we were watching animated films. Not horror. Surprised you didn't wake up to let it go." - you.

You turn to techno.

"You owe me 15 bucks pig boy!"-you again.

Handing you the money he rolls his eyes. "Yeha yeah. Rub it in." -techno.

Ah yeah they found a horror game that you were scared of surprisingly. It was actually surprisingly you hadn't played it yet.

Outlast.

You had been holding off that game until you finished your other one but here you were. Bored out of your mind.

So you decided fuck it.

That game teriffed the shit out of you. It was so good though.

When you screamed they all came rushing up due to the fact that you never scream.

They say you out of your chair, on the floor, blinking. They thought you were hurt.

But you sat up and looked at your computer.

"Damn. That was actually really good." When you looked behind you and found the boys all staring you smiled and waved.

"You need something?"-you

"You screamed. We heard a thud. We thought you fuckin died!" -tommy.

"No I'm alive. My soul almost divorced my body but it's still quite here."-you

That day made highlights.

The popular y/n actually got jump scared. The one person who never screamed at horror games screamed.

When they left you were sad yes but they were still your best friends. Ready to talk when ever you want.

Sometimes I think that you guys talk all through out the night. Them forgetting that you were actually in a different time zone.

Sometimes they pop into your streams, be it MC, horror, you just talking to your fans, or even the once in the blue moon, cheerful games.

They just pop in and start talking to you. And you talk back like they were there since the beginning.

Phil is now one of your moderators too. Along with tommy, wilbur, and techno. When they pop in they make sure no one picks on you.

And since you are now close to the SBI. You are now part of it.

You didn't choose the fans did. But they are your new family. No matter what.

Even if they disagree with your eating habit.

Or energy drink addiction.

Or insomnia.

Or you mainly playing horror games.

Or you basically living in your streaming room.

Or even the nearly 24 hour streams.

I could go on but I'm not gonna.

I'm tired. But I can sleep. 2 days and I get to have a tour of my new school.

And it took so long to finally get into it.

We have been going through a huge hassle even before school started to get me enrolled.

And then we had to get me into this program.

But now on Monday I get to go in. Get a tour. Then start either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Anyway hope you liked. It's now 3:50 and it's no proof read I'm sorry

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girl-of-many-fandoms · 3 years ago

Text

Stitches // 16

Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader

Summary: After joy comes sorrow.

Warnings: angst, Frank and Amy being adoreable, cliffhanger at the end ;)

Yes, I woke up and chose violence this morning, enjoy :)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 BONUS

MASTERLIST

----

Frank’s POV

My heart’s racing, Y/N and Amy’s screams are muffelled from the gags that were in their mouth, my newborn is crying bloody murder in Vanessa’s arms. I tried to fight against the restraints that bound me to the metal chair in the middle of the room, trying to break free to save them.

“No, no, don’t!”

My voice is hoarse from all the screaming I’ve been doing myself to get Fisk to get his men to back off from my family. Hot tears streamed down all of our faces as we knew what was about to happen.

Wilson Fisk fisted my hair forcing me to look at the two ladies that meant the world to me as his men pressed the barrel of their guns to the back of their skull.

“No, don’t do this, please!” I begged and begged, over and over until I started hiccupping from all my crying. My body is shaking from the sobs that left me. The glimmer of the blade of a knife caught my attention in the corner of my eye.

“Not my baby, no! Vanessa please!” she laughed along with her husband, pressing the blade closer to the child’s neck as if any of this is a fucking joke.

“You should’ve killed me when you had the chance.”

Bang

Gasping, I frantically sat up against the headboard, chest heaving as I regulated my breathing, I’m soaking with sweat. In the darkness of the room I’m still able to make out the outline of my heavily pregnant girlfriend who was still sleeping soundly, unbothered by my thrashing in the bed.

They’re okay Frank

Brushing her cheek with my knuckles I focused on completely calming myself down from that nightmare. This is the third time I’ve had this exact dream for the week and I’m not lying, it fucking terrifies me. I haven’t told her about it the first time I dreamt about it and I can’t bring it up, she’d only stress over it and that’s not good for her or the baby.

You’ve got to talk about it with someone

Releasing a heavy sigh, I leaned down and kissed her forehead and touched her bump before getting out from beneath the covers. Pulling up my grey sweatpants, I left our room to go check on the kid. Quietly, I opened the door and poked my head in.

“I’m awake.” Amy was bundled up in her blanket with her laptop opened on her lap, the light it produced dimly lit up her room.

“Can’t sleep either, huh?” she chewed off a piece of her twizzler as she shook her head no. I guess it’s just one of those nights for us.

“Why are you up anyways? It’s three thirty in the morning.”

“Bad dream, you?”

“Oh me, I never fell asleep. I started watching a movie and then one turned into three and now I’m just biding my time until sunrise.” she said that like it was a normal occurrence that I should’ve been aware of.

“You gonna go back to bed?” the mere thought of closing my eyes to sleep sent shivers down my spine. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping at all for as long as I can after that dream.

“Nah. Instead of being glued to the screen do you want to help me in the nursery? I’ve got a crib that needs to be assembled before the pregnant lady gets upset.” She quickly shut her computer and threw her blanket off as she got to her feet, following me to the room next to hers.

For weeks now Amy has been nagging me about putting together the crib and installing the extra shelves and so on in the baby’s room, at one point I thought she was the one pregnant by the way she kept going on about it.

She’s excited just like the rest of us.

“Alright, dresser first or crib?” I turned the lights on and went over to the nearest box which had the necessary parts for the crib and her eyes lit up. We started removing the items from the box, careful enough not to make any noise to disturb Y/N’s sleep and got to work.

Amy had planted herself on the floor, passing me the screws and parts to go along with it, reading the directions as I assembled it together. We’re both talking about almost any and everything that came to mind at this point to keep ourselves going.

“Frank?”

“Yeah kid, pass me a screw.” looking over at her I stretched out my hand for the screw and she passed it over, her eyes boring into mine.

“Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?” I screwed the last part of the crib before giving her my full attention. Pulling her legs up to her chest she rested her chin on her knees, choosing to look at the floor while she spoke.

“For saving me that night at Lola’s, for actually giving a damn about me.” Amy’s been through a lot in her life, it got crazier with me in it but at least she knows she has someone looking out for her.

“You’re more of a man than my sperm donor could ever be, heck you’ve stuck around much longer than he has. You took me under your wing when you could’ve left me to die but you didn’t.”

“You were scared and outnumbered, if I hadn’t gotten in the mix they would’ve killed you in that bathroom.”

“But you didn’t know that almost two years later we’d be here. You didn’t know if Y/N was going to take you back far less for me, the stray you picked up on the side of the road. That night changed everything for me, I went from begging mixed up with the wrong people to having stability in my life and with that stability I now have parental figures that care about me, no matter how much of a handful I am.'' she really can be a handful from time to time but she knows mine and Y/N’s limit when it comes to tolerating her bullshit.

“You’re right kid, that night I unknowingly adopted a child and it’s worth every crappy thing that followed. Now at the end of all the crap I have a family, something I never considered would happen after that day at the park. By saving you I saved myself kid, one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. Now get over here.” Without a second's notice she got onto her feet and I pulled her in for a hug. She’s not biologically mine but she’s still my kid, I don’t care what anyone else may think, she’s my daughter. With her arms still secured around me she looked up causing me to scoff, just by the look on her face I could tell she’s about to ask for something.

“You buttered me up for something, what is it?”

“I didn’t butter you up, I meant every single word I said. However,” I rolled my eyes but that didn’t phase her as she went on.

“Jacob asked me to go out on a date tonight and I’d really like to go, please? The baby shower starts at four this afternoon and he wants to take me to the movies at eight, I promise I’ll be home by midnight.” she pleaded and after considering it for a couple seconds I caved.

“Fine but remember-”

“To be aware of my surroundings at all times, I can’t afford to let my guard down because Fisk is still out there.”

“Atta girl.” she squeezed me one last time before breaking apart. I trust her to keep her word on being back by midnight as she knows that I would get in my truck and drive through the city until I find her if she doesn’t.

“Help me move this over there.” we both moved the newly assembled crib to where it’s supposed to be and she gasped.

“What?”

“My gift is going to make this even more perfect.”

—

Y/N’s POV

“I look like a beached whale.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Of course you’d say that, you’re the reason I’m this huge.” Frank drained the remnants of his beer, hiding his smile.

The baby shower is in full swing at the Lieberman's residence; Karen did an excellent job with putting this thing together with Sarah's and Amy’s help.

"You look amazing as always." Curtis kissed my cheek in greeting as he joined Frank and I.

"I'm not too late right, have you guys found out the gender yet?"

"No we-" Karen called out for us all, drawing our attention to her on the patio.

"Now that everyone is here, we can get this thing started. Instead of the regular cake cutting or balloon popping reveal, David came up with something else. David!"

"Well this is bound to be good." Frank draped his arm over the back of my chair just as David walked out.

"Oh God!"

"Yes, I knew it!” Frank fist pumped the air as his guess was right. Everyone is laughing and celebrating David's brilliant idea of dressing in a blue t-shirt and diaper with a binky in his mouth.

It's a boy!

David walked over to us and dropped himself in Frank's lap and he went along with it rocking the grown man, talking to him in a different tone.

"You are one heavy ass baby."

"Goo-goo ga-ga." He cooed up at Frank

"Get off of me man." David stood on his feet and removed the binky, everyone still cracking up as they looked on. I am definitely never going to forget this.

"Congrats pal, you're not going to be the only man in the house for much longer."

"It's about time." I faked huffed in annoyance as he leaned down and kissed my bump which the little man inside me seemed to like as he moved around.

"Another male Castle to deal with, how fun?" Curtis sympathetically patted my shoulder knowing exactly what I meant by that.

"Damn, I was hoping it was a girl but hey, a brother is alright with me." Amy came over with a small gift box in her hands and I took it from her.

"You didn't have to buy anything for the baby."

"I know but I wanted too. Open it." I undid the ribbon and removed the top

"It's nothing much but-"

"I love it." I reached in and took out the mobile attachment for the crib to get a closer look at the shapes that hung from it.

It's a nice blend of baby blue and white with dragons and castles.

"I thought I'd get something that's meaningful and since Castle is his last name I got him this."

"Kid.." Frank toyed with the shapes that hung, his throat closing up as he struggled to swallow the lump in his throat.

None of them besides Curtis knows that this is his first baby shower since he had been deployed both times Mariah was pregnant. He got to experience it all this time around, the check-ups, the bizarre cravings, mood swings, everything and today he got the chance of celebrating this moment with people around him that he trusted and considered family, with the exception of Red. They don't know how much any of this really means to him.

"Thank you."

Amy hugged me and returned to Jacob's side on the other side of the lawn. She invited him so that he could formally be introduced to us and Frank almost popped a vessel when they both came walking hand in hand, especially since she wore a dress that showed 'too much skin' according to him.

"I don't like it, not the gift, that." Jacob had his hand on the lower part of her back and I had to stop myself from laughing at his disgusted tone.

"Say it with me Castle, she is of age."

"Something about him doesn't feel right." I put the mobile back into the box and placed it aside.

"You barely had a conversation with the guy, you spent five minutes staring at him. Look, the best thing we could possibly do is to let Amy be happy, don't ruin this for her by scaring the guy away."

"Yeah but what if he's up to something, I mean we don't even know if he's working for Fisk. Amy said that he came in and got the job after her and by the look of it he's been more invested in her." Curtis pushed himself up on his feet and scoffed at his friend.

"Curt?"

"That's a far stretch buddy just let the kid be a kid and if, that's a mad sized if, he does give you more reasons to not trust him, I'll help you figure it out." Curtis walked off to join Karen, Foggy and Matt at the snack table leaving us to talk alone.

"I know you're still on edge from what happened but I'd like to believe that Jacob is just a regular guy that is smitten with Amy."

Frank gave up, leaning back in his seat. He couldn't put a finger on what exactly is off about Jacob but his gut was telling him to not trust the guy. He's dropping this conversation but he's not going to ignore his intuition, he's going to keep a close eye on the guy whispering in Amy’s ear.

“Trust her judgement.”

---

Amy's POV

“Tonight was fun, I honestly thought your dad was going to kill me earlier today though.”

“It was and don't worry about him, he only looks tough on the outside but a complete softie on the inside.”

Jacob and I are on our way back to my place after our date, cutting it pretty close to midnight. He took a right, setting off an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

“You need to turn back, my place is on the other side.” his grip on the wheel tightened a bit as he kept driving in the opposite direction.

“Relax, we’re just going to make a quick stop at my buddy’s place.”

“Jacob, take me home.”

"No."

"Take me home right now!" more red flags raised as he sped up. Reaching over I grabbed onto the wheel, the car swerving on the road as we wrestled.

“You stupid bitch-”

A loud bang echoed throughout the street as the car Amy and Jacob are in crashed into the building they had swerved the car into. One by one the dogs in the area began to bark and the lights in neighbouring apartments turned on as people came out to see what’s happening.

“Call 9-1-1!” A man shouted as he rushed to get down to the vehicle.

Barely conscious, Jacob managed to get out of the car and flee the scene, leaving Amy behind. The kid is trapped in her seat, blood pouring down her face from her busted skull, unconscious.

—

Frank’s POV

“It’s twelve thirty, something’s not right.”

“I’m sure they just lost track of time, they’ll be here any minute.” Y/N’s phone started ringing and she answered.

“Brett?” the colour drained from her face at whatever news he was breaking to her. Her breathing increased and her eyes filled with tears.

“Y/N what is it?” She can’t even speak right now. I ripped the device from her and brought it up to my ears, dreading what he has to say.

“Mahoney, what’s going on?”

“It’s Amy.”

----

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georgie-the-mate · 3 years ago

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Turning Red and coming to terms with my sexual identity

Recently, I watched the movie Turning Red with my boyfriend. In case you have not seen it yet. It's a cute story from Disney Pixar that tells the story of a 14 year-old Asian-Canadian girl and the awakening of her "red panda" which serves as an allegory for puberty, menstruation, etc (there are many interpretations out there). For me , however, it was awfully similar to how I figured out my sexual identity as a gay man, my father's reaction when he found out and finally coming to terms and accepting that as a part of me and not something I could take out through a "magical ritual." Keep in mind that, unlike the movie, this happened to me over the course of at least 10 years.

Potential SPOILERS ahead.

The Awakening of the "red panda

In the film, Mei awakens her Panda after a series of events triggered by her emerging interest in boys, namely her drawing fanart of her crush in her notebook. In my case, it all started back when I was around 15. I enjoyed coming back from school and tuning into whatever Disney Channel sitcom was airing at the time. Eventually I found myself more attracted to the male characters, particularly David Henrie's Justin Russo from the Wizards of Waverly Place. This peaked to the point of spending hours online looking for shirtless pictures of the actors and getting highly excited whenever they happened to appear that way on screen. AWOOOGA! I was raised in a very Christian and traditional Latin American family, so at the time I couldn't quite understand it and feared that I could be having sinful thoughts. I dismissed it as a role model desire. After some years I happened to discover gay porn and dating apps like Grindr and this is where my next parallel comes in.

The Parent Shaming.

First to the movie. After her night drawing, Mei's mother comes into her room to find her masterpieces and quickly confronts her. However, instead of talking calmly about it, she rushes to the store where the “model” was working and accuses him of “corrupting”her child.

Alright so this happened to me at least twice or thrice in a couple of different ways. First I was looking for videos of naked men, without really knowing what porn was at the time, and ended up watching porn on the family computer and somehow forgot to delete the browser’s history and close the tabs; HUGE mistake. The next day both of my parents confronted me about it and dismissed it as one of those growing pains never to be talked about again.

Then the second instant I remember of a similar situation was when I was 17. One day my father randomly retrieved my cell phone and went through my messages. At the time I changed schools so I had a conversation with a friend from my previous school in which we were kinda having a bromance moment. My dad took this as him “inciting” into liking men and the worst part is something I discovered many years later. My dad confronted HIM through my phone and apparently even talked to his parents. Naturally we distanced, but when I tried to reconnect he didn’t respond which at the time I couldn’t understand why. If you read this, I am truly sorry for that happening; I had no idea until recently.

Now the most painful and recent instance of the parent shaming. I was 19 years old, already in college and ventured into my first relationship with another man with my first sexual experience; it ended after a few months. Due to that, my hormones were all over the place so I wanted to experiment more and know more people and have more interactions, and so I opened a Grindr account. This time is quite shameful to remember but here it goes. I spoke to literally anyone I could find and sent private pictures to whomever requested them in an attempt to get more action with guys. One day, one of these convos leaked to my dad. I still don’t know who did it but I do hope karma or the universe gets back at him. You might imagine everything that happened after. My dad confronted me and called me lots of different hurtful slurs, told my siblings, my church, ultimately saying I was a disgrace to my family and that I would be kicked out unless I could change my “sinful” ways. I remember he even tried to guard me from the world, not allowing me to go out and over controlling my activities. Which takes us to the next section.

Denial of the true self

After Mei was publicly shamed by her mother for her teenage desires and fantasies she self-criticises and goes hard on herself in an attempt to please her mother and not disappoint her which causes her red panda to appear the next day and she tries to hide it. When her mother finds out about it, she tells her that the Panda is dangerous and she would never have a normal life with it but that there was a cure through a magical ritual to seal the panda forever. Mei then goes on with her life, hating her panda and trying to hide it from the world.

After my father basically disowned me he tried to make a deal with me. I would go to therapy with the pastor from our church and try to change into a “normal person” in order to keep living with him. I didn’t know better at the time so I did the same as Mei and tried to repress my own panda, my homosexuality. During at least three years I hated myself for being gay and the “therapy”only made it worse. I tried to distract from it by joining different clubs in college which ultimately made me sick and worsened my emotional situation. Through the whole therapy sessions I was told that I was living in sin, I had to change and all the usual stuff you are told in conservative churches. In the last session, I had my magic ritual. The pastor would pray and make me verbally renounce to my sinful ways, kick out the “homosexual demon” and try to live in accordance to God’s ancient law. I walked out sad,confused and still hating myself. The following 7 years I entered a deep depression involving self-harm and kinda never looked for professional help or discontinued it due to my awful experience in the “therapy”.

Accepting and embracing the Red Panda

Over the course of the film, Mei discovers that her Panda is well received among her peers. They basically love her panda form so she takes full advantage of it and learns to accept it as a part of herself. However, the day of her ritual comes and in the process she confirms it, she doesn’t want to renounce it, instead she will embrace it as a part of her. Then the whole climax of the movie goes on until the final battle.

For a time I repressed myself and whenever I felt attraction to another man; I resorted to self hate and many times to self harms, many scars still visible to this day. Eventually in 2016 I decided to try another relationship with a man this time taking some precautions and being more weary about it. We lasted for a year and a half in which I cannot deny I was very happy. During that time, my panda became more visible to others: my friends, my sister and new people I met. They love it! Here the whole process of accepting my panda as a part of myself started. I met new people who were also part of the LGBT community and they gave me so much acceptance and love and most importantly made me feel safe. They taught me about embracing and accepting this part of myself. Eventually we broke up with this guy. I was so dependent on him so it led to many toxic interactions, clinginess, refusing to move on and deep depression once again.

The 2020 COVID-19 pandemic came, and finally I was able to give myself some time to heal and move on with my life. During this year I fully grasped the concept of accepting my panda as a part of me and to live with it to the fullest being true to myself. I was finally able to heal from all this trauma and bad experiences with my panda.

Unlike Mei, whose problems were solved overnight, I am still working on it, looking to be better every day. My relationship with my father has never fully recovered from that and he kinda wants to think I was “cured” even if the evidence shows otherwise. I am happier with myself and learned to embrace that part of me. I even gave myself the chance to love again and have been dating a guy for over one and a half years now. We have grown together, each of us contributing to the healing of each other, creating safe spaces and it’s wonderful.

As I said before, I’m still a work in progress but definitely better, and I love how this movie Turning Red resonated with me on this level. Thank you Domee Shi and her team at Pixar for this amazing story and for making these characters' growing pains so relatable in different ways.

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I highly recommend it.

#Turning red #domee shi #coming of age #acceptance #self love #self healing #lgbtq #pride #lgbtq community #red panda #growing up #mindfulness

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conceptsformyowner · 2 years ago

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Edging and Overstimulation

Public Toy Journal #14 - 2022 09 18

This week, I was edged and had my face humped, I got put in tight bindings overnight, and I experienced overstimulation for the first time. Enjoy!

Tuesday

On Tuesday, I had been in chastity for a few days when my Owner decided to use me. They fucked their toy’s body while it was trying their best to be a good toy and respect the chastity, and then they jerked off while pressing my face against their crotch, strongly handling me by the hair.

I was left exhausted and frustrated. No release for toy.

Thursday

On Thursday, I had a family lunch and thus I had to spend some time outside without the chain around my waist. This earned me 5 more balcony hours. I now owe 15 hours chained alone and helpless outside in the balcony.

Saturday night

On Saturday night, after giving me my nightly spankings, my Owner chained my collar close to the top bed railing, and then pulled down on my legs until my feet were touching the bottom railing and I was close to choking before fastening them there.

They joined my wrists in front of me with one end of a handcuff link and attached the other end to the front of my collar.

Immobile and pretty helpless, they started kissing me. They grabbed my face strongly and said ‘You’re mine. Your opinions don’t matter. You don’t have any thoughts, any desires. What you want doesn’t matter.’ They started touching me over the sheets while they kissed me and degraded me.

‘You only exist to be restrained, used, tortured, and then abandoned. You’re my toy. I can use you whenever I want, in any way I want, for as long as I want.’ they dictated as they pressed their leg in between my legs and started pleasuring me.

Then they stopped. They let go and backed away.

I whined and tried to reach to keep kissing them but my chain was short and my hands useless. My Owner laughed sincerely and lovingly, and hugged me and caressed me until I fell asleep.

Sunday

Today, they stretched me out like on Saturday, but this time my wrists joined directly to the back of my collar, keeping my elbows up. They fucked me but I was too horny already from before, they made me repeat the mantras while they touched me and pleasured themselves with me. I tried with all my will to stop myself from getting too excited and orgasming, asking them to stop (which is something we’ve talked about and done many times, and they already know it means I’m getting too close) and trying to wriggle out of the way. Which, of course, was impossible.

My Owner stopped, not wanting to give their toy an orgasm, and accidentally giving it a ruined one. They checked if they could keep using me, and I agreed. Determined on being a good toy and giving them everything I could, I kept getting fucked.

I’d heard about overstimulation before but I’d never felt it, I think I’d never had the incentive to. But now, I wanted to be good and take it, I wanted them to use me as many times and as much as they wanted without my bodily “human” limits getting in the way.

Through the strange unknown feeling of getting overstimulation but wanting to go through with it, I stayed good and eventually they finished using their toy.

They got up, put their computer close to me and left it playing pink noise while they left and had a shower, closing the bedroom door behind them and leaving me in the dark, exhausted, in my own filth, stretched and uncomfortable.

The pink noise almost made me sleep, which I’m not allowed to do on beds unless instructed or put in my nightly binds. But luckily I managed to stay awake.

After they came back, we chatted for a bit while I was lying there; chained and drained. They begrudgingly released me from my restraints (which is the only way to release me from my restraints) and then instructed me to clean up after myself.

Once I was done, they came up to me, the now-very-familiar paddle in one hand a coin in the other, and made me face a wall.

Following their instructions, still feeling sort of subby and quite tired from getting used (not that that should ever stop them unless I safeword), I placed the coin in-between my nose and the wall, my head now stuck there.

They made me back up my hips, which I did stumbling and dragging the coin down carefully while pressing my face against the wall, and then they started the nightly spanking. I’m now required to count the strikes outloud.

After counting to ten in between the loud “smack smack”, one for each glute, they finally told me to relax. Laughing, (but, I imagine, a bit disappointed that I didn’t drop the coin and made everything worse for myself) they called me a good toy and took me to bed.

They snuggled me and caressed me, giving me amazing chocolate treats and telling me how good I’d been today.

After taking a warm shower, I am now lying in bed writing this while they prepare an amazing-looking oreo-and-banana dessert 👀.

Final words

This week was very eventful family-and-personal-event-wise, so we spent most of the time simply taking care of each other and trying to survive the ever-exhausting burden of existing. I’m glad to announce we succeeded and are still, in fact, quite alive.

Because of this, we didn’t make much progress on the ‘final words’ items from last week, but that’s ok, this isn’t about making progress, it’s about doing nice things and being okay. Even when it means postponing sessions, or briefly paying less attention to some rules.

Hopefully next week we’ll be better; but if we’re not, that’s alright. We have each other, and a lot of ways to have fun and give each other affection through doing things that my parents would be horrified to hear. Sounds good. I love my Owner.

See you next week!

#text #journal

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feelingofcontent · 3 years ago

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DNP Rewatch: What Dan and Phil Text Each Other

Date video was published: 07/15/2018 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 380

The first texting video! And the last main channel video posted during the II tour. (Although we saw their faces a lot in live shows, gaming videos, and on Instagram and stories.)

0:00 - the fact that basically all their clothes on tour also matched the branding was commitment (although much easier for Dan, lol). also, crammed together on the smallest seat in the bus. sure, makes sense

0:28 - lol at Dan’s interpretive dancing? in to back up what Phil is saying

0:45 - that does not seem like the best way to send and save files you might need again

0:50 - lost of gesture mirroring here

1:01 - “I realized we text each other the weirdest stuff” after seeing two videos worth...huge understatement, hahaha

1:14 - appropriate, and also hilarious emoji choices to represent them here

1:27 - lol at Dan doing the thinking face

1:30 - until the second texting video when they seem to send a lot of animojis

1:32 - both of them just smiling at it

1:41 - so based on the timestamp of that first one from Dan’s new phone, all the texts they’re showing in this video are basically from 2018

1:45 - of course. great, completely normal start 😂

2:09 - something I love in this whole video is how they both know exactly what tone they meant when sending the texts and are doing that intonation when reading them out loud

2:15 - also, not the first or apparently even second time Phil had dropped his glasses in the toilet. a real day-to-day concern of his

2:20 - absolutely zero personal space in this video

2:15 - I LOVE this look at their collaboration. also laughing at the thought of them leaving jokes for the other to find in unpublished video titles and such

2:52 - it really isn’t that much better 😂

3:16 - Dan typo number one. also Phil must text from both his phone and his computer sometimes, I’m guessing, but the way his switch from auto-caps being on or not

3:20 - love that they were both thinking of comparing it to Phil’s pizza incident and sent those at probably the same time

3:38 - “we have a noise for that” help 🥺 they’re so strange but they’re so strange together and it’s great

2:52 - that’s a picture Phil also shared on Instagram, from when he was visiting his family in early March before they left for the tour

4:08 - wonder if this is from the same time when Phil was with his family...also Dan still playing Rock Band in 2018 is something

4:12 - “I still love it when you do typos” god Phil, could you sound any fonder 😭

4:29 - definite Phil-bait

4:34 - in both texting videos, Phil with the umm...sexy Instagram ads

4:49 - ahahaha at Phil’s little shrug

5:06 - they really do share a sense of humor, huh

5:27 - “this is peak Dan and Phil...this encapsulates us” really setting this one up

5:32 - “I’m on my way back to Phil” okay there loud-Dan

5:41 - how when Dan just sends a “..” then does Phil know it’s something else he should ask about

6:00 - christ Phil looks so fond about the rat

6:06 - but now getting into some texts from during the tour

6:07 - that looks painful

6:11 - Phil looks shocked that he’s going to get his leg out but then immediately checks to see if it will be in frame, lol. “leg out for the lads” didn’t even phase me by this point of 2018

6:24 - am surprised Dan managed to injure himself like that rather than Phil

6:32 - they don’t show timestamps on most of the screenshots, but this one is from mid-European leg of the tour in Helsinki

6:47 - even if they have separate hotel rooms, they’re still figuring out which one to get together in

7:00 - this hilarious tiny window! Dan’s text reactions to it are fantastic. he can’t even.

7:45 - Phil was amused by “nose deaf”

8:06 - the upside down smiley emoji from Phil 😂

8:19 - oh Phil...not good

8:48 - must have been recent as Phil remembers what he couldn’t find

8:53 - this “dramatic reading” is one of my favorite parts of this video...particularly Phil’s “Tell me every detail”

9:29 - that is loud; tour bus filming must have had a lot of interruptions

9:51 - is this even that funny? they certainly think so

10:13 - absolutely love sassy-Dan

10:26 - that is a large pigeon. this is pre-Steve

10:37 - did Dan just text Phil that emoji when he could see him across the airport or something?

10:56 - they had read this one in the PINOF 9 bloopers. although they said “work them” instead of “stretch them” in that video. I’m guessing the text in this one is the accurate one since it’s a full screenshot

11:05 - love that Dan knows they shared this but has no clue where 😂

11:19 - I know there was hot debate on whether they censored something from above “all the dips,” but I don’t think so. the way Dan seems to text is to send every thought/line as a separate message. we don’t see him use a line break in any other text we see, so I’m thinking he just accidentally had hit enter before typing

11:26 - truly do not understand Phil’s capitalization

11:27 - absolutely love this bit too

11:41 - another one of those Dan lines that randomly goes through my head

11:50 - awww at the wild Dan-hair and casual filming

12:07 - Dan survived a sequel...although not with the old phones, lol

This is still one of my favorite videos. Although it’s definitely been overtaken by the 2021 texting video. Still in shock that we have a pco-era sequel now. The texting in this one is not quite as weird, lol. Maybe because they didn’t share those with us here, or because they were outside/apart more for the texts in this one, rather than mostly texting each other from inside the same house.

This video was posted mid-American leg of the tour before they went on to Australia and New Zealand, and then around Asia. They were finally back home in London on September 22.

#dan and phil #dnp #dnpRewatch #amazingphil #daniel howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #amazingphil videos #What Dan and Phil Text Each Other

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pndnj · 4 years ago

Text

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend.

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41- 1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec, get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone, it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor, cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up, a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all, I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker, i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun, seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some, get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice, i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon, this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

#zayn #yellowmetal #cathartic #feel free to correct me pls #cathartic lyrics

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imthepunchlord · 3 years ago

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Do you have any thoughts on how the guardian role is handled lore wise? Would you change much about being the guardian?

Oh yes I do and there's so much that I would change up.

The more we see of the Guardians, the dumber they are and the more pointless they are. To a point it's a wonder if they were worth the inclusion as they don't amount to much and are just useless. I'm putting this undercut as I just go off.

- Lore wise, they set it up that adults are naturally more powerful, so why did Fu pick two kids to fight his battles for him? Why not adults? Why did he leave them on their own instead of offering them some means to have an edge over HM?

- Of the Ladybug and Cat, we have yet to see anything unique that the Cat brings to these fights that the other 15 miraculi that Fu has with him couldn't do. You need a distraction that's going to mess up the akuma? Monkey and Fox. You need a protector/aggressor? Bee, Turtle, or Dragon. Ladybug is a must as its the only cleanser so far and has ML to boot, but Cat doesn't need to be out there, and as soon as HM had quite publicly stated that he wants LB and Cat, Fu should've reclaimed the Cat immediately to secure its safety and that HM won't get both. Another or two could go out to replace it.

- Why was picking Adrien a good idea? If Fu had just arrived in Paris, ok, but Backwarder reveals he's been living in Paris for a while. And with that, he's seen Adrien's face everywhere.s Adrien is potentially the most well known kid in Pari. Technically, for Fu's want of secrecy, why pick the most iconic face in Paris to get a miraculous? That sets up one of your heroes to always have attention on him. Fu picking Adrien doesn't make any logical sense.

- Why is Fu ok with endangering one kid but not the other? Why does Marinette get a test set up that risks her life and Fu's if it hadn't gone well and Adrien just helps an old man up, a common decency that most would do. It's like two extreme differences that don't work well in comparison as Marinette gets the risky test and Adrien it looks like he got his miraculous on a silver platter as he got the far easier one that takes the least effort to be a decent human being.

- Fu being a terrible mentor and hero picker in general and the whole shebang with Syren. If Adrien is not meeting his standards or if he doesn't trust Adrien at all, why is Adrien being allowed to continue as a hero? Or if he really wants Adrien to stay, why isn't he doing anything about Adrien? Why isn't he telling Plagg to encourage Adrien to step up and get serious? If he can take on the role of being Adrien's Chinese teacher, why not do that to try and guide Adrien to improvement so he can also be trusted with Guardian secrets too and truly help Marinette out. He's got two options when he doesn't trust Adrien or finds that he's meeting his standards: he takes the miraculous back or he addresses this issue himself.

- I also call big BS about him not doing anything at all when he comes upon Adrien detransformed on the roof with Plagg. Cause he's risking himself going out to find Chat Noir only to find him detransformed. That realistically should raise some brows and concern him. Adrien at least should've gotten a lecture or warning.

- Also the reveal that kwamis aren't allowed to know about their own power. that to me is off putting. It really stresses that kwamis are beneath them, these very ancient and powerful beings that have probably seen a lot. And canon validates it by making them children (which to me is the writers being lazy so they don't have to do complex characters).

- The whole thing with Fu's backstory. Dumbest backstory I've ever heard and it just paints Guardians in a really bad light, and by extension, real life monks. Monks didn't go to people's homes to take children. If they did take kids with them, those kids had nowhere else to go and offered them a place to stay until old enough to be on their own. And that test, omg, wtf. Ok, I can get the idea of a test of temptation, but there are other ways to perform it without starving a kid. Especially leaving said kid alone unsupervised with 19 powerful miraculi two of which have wish granting abilities. How would the Guardians even know if Fu used a miraculous as they left him alone with mriaculi. If Fu wanted to, he could've made a wish to never be picked.

- Fu didn't even do shit when he finally had a chance to face off against HM. He just sat in his damb ball and allowed himself to get knocked around. At least try and roll over him! Be a ping-pong ball! DO SOMETHING. Like, why did you even pick Turtle??? Turtle wasn't able to do anything against Butterfly! I thought it could as Fu had been ready to go in Origins, plus the 5 are based off Wu Xing, by set up, Fox and Turtle should have some sort of an edge over the Butterfly. But I guess that means there could be other options aside form LB and we can't have that, Marinette's miraculous needs to be the only thing to take on the Butterfly to really stress on the fact that it comes down to only her.

- The memory wipe thing that's an apparently must when you retire from being the Guardian. Honestly I think that should've been saved as a last resort if you're ever captured and could be forced to leak info, not when you retire. Doing so removes a valid source of advisement that a new Guardian can rely on. History is there to learn from it and this tradition removes a source of history to learn from, either from having guidance or seeing what the old did and how you want to change things. This also makes me concerned as I see Adrien taking advantage of an amnesiac Marinette.

- I went off about the NY Special revealing there's more Orders here.

- And lastly, Su-Han, the other Guardian to see aside from Fu. And with him, it solidifies how stupid they all are. When the Butterfly is being misused in Paris, why is someone aggressive and judgmental coming to Paris? Why is this guy even working with kids when he doesn't like kids? And the reveal that Guardians don't use miraculi at all. That just makes that test all the dumber with testers being unsupervised. And for Guardians not meant to use miraculi, how come Marinette gets a nice perk as LB that she can pull a miraculous out of her yo-yo? They're probably playing that she's "the first" to do so but realistically, I'm pressing x to doubt. In the long history of miraculi and when Guardians were around, you expect me to believe that Guardians never used miraculi themselves? What if there was no one to turn to, do they just the disaster happen? ...Well, based on how terrible canon is setting them up, I wouldn't be surprised.

SO.

There is a lot I would change up about the Guardians and for this, I'll adjust canon.

- Adrien gets the ring another way, maybe a gift from his mom or aunt or grandparents. Realistically, there's no logical reason for Fu to pick Adrien. He just has too much attention on him and Chat being an unexpected miraculous user can make him wary, adding to him only trusting Marinette.

- I'd have Fu be more present in Marinette's life, a customer who comes in a lot. This way he can offer advise when needed but not take away from Tikki. And this has him more closely keeping an eye on things.

- I'd change up Fu's backstory. He got separated from his family in a flood, the previous Turtle saved him, tried to help him find his family and with no luck, took him to the Temple, but only the section where other orphans are where they work to help take care of it, oblivious to the miraculous near them. After a year, Fu is one of the few selected to be entrusted with miraculous knowledge. He's surprised but not all that for it as he'd rather go find his family still. Idk how Temple falls but its not that. That was just dumb and avoidable.

- I wouldn't have Adrien meet Fu at all. In truth, it actually could've been cut out entirely as Adrien meeting Fu didn't amount to anything. He doesn't help with Guardian duties, doesn't help pick heroes, hasn't stepped up at all in his role as a partner. And he's not as torn up about Fu's loss as Marinette is. Adrien meeting Fu was pointless in the grand scheme of things. Nothing was progressed or changed from Adrien meeting Fu.

- I'd have HM ONLY getting an edge on Fu because Mayura was there to help him, catching Fu off guard. I want to see the Turtle truly in action, to see what else it can do cause sitting there to be smacked around was just unimpressive. And if Asstruck even did as much research as he could, he'd know that in Chinese mythology, the Turtle is a boss. It's the keeper of history and symbol of immortality, and it's up there with Tiger as an animal that can go toe to toe with the Dragon. And of the Four Symbols (associated with 4 seasons), the Black Turtle is also known as the Black Warrior. There should've been a lot more to Turtle than just sitting in your shell and allowing yourself to be knocked around.

- Su-Han I'd drastically change up. I'd keep in him being critical and stern, but he approaches things smartly and patiently. Before he dives into aggression and accusations, he wants to know what's going on. Why does this 14 yo have the Miracle Box? How was the Butterfly obtained and misused? And what the hell is going on??? How are these people so small and how did they get into this thin glass box?? Computer? What's a computer??? Essentially, have fun with the fact that Su-Han is essentially a time traveler and one great bonding experience to have with Marinette while also offering some good comedy is him learning about the modern time and her acting as his guide. Su-Han can give her guidance that Fu hadn't been able to give, and Marinette can offer her own in a way that Su-Han will need. Which by extension could remove Marinette having a near mental breaking point and revealing herself to Alya, and could avoid some of that drama of what's coming.

- Speaking of which, Adrien. I'd use Su-Han to finally address the issues with Adrien as a hero and partner. Su-Han prioritized Marinette as she has the Miracle Box, but Adrien is someone he'd take the miraculous away from. Adrien would get a very clear warning and call out for his actions and role.

#ask Punchie #long post #Adrien salt #Fu salt #Guardian salt

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