#until I inevitably get up to give him exactly what he wants smh

[byanyan]

anyway today was a bit of a rough one for me so lemme leave u all w some pics of my dog pouting to cheer up anyone else who might need it

[realcube]

waking up the hq boys at midnight to get ice-cream hcs🍦

characters: tsukishima, tanaka, nishinoya, ushijima, sugawara,  oikawa,  kageyama 

note: yes, this was very much inspired by that one tiktok sound where the girl wakes up her bf to get ice-cream- 

also, i use midnight as like..the middle of the night- not actaully 12AM lol

tw// fluff, sangwoo- 

Tsukishima Kei

you did not need to wake him up at 1AM to get ice-cream

man was already up, having just came off his phone and laying like this 😐 in bed as he either waited for himself to fall asleep or was thinking about an awkward interaction he had earlier that day 

anyway, as soon as you turned to him like ‘tsukki, do you wanna come with me to get ice-cream?’

he was suddenly 😴 fast asleep, fake snores and all

you were stubborn though, so you hopped out of bed up to go get ice-cream by yourself if he was just going to ignore you 

although, once you threw your coat on, tsukishima decided to start questioning your unusual behaviour, ‘why do you want ice-cream? it’s night; can’t you just sleep like a normal person and have ice-cream in the morning?’ 

honestly, tsukishima probably finds your nightly antics more endearing and cute rather than annoying 

he’d never admit it though- 

if you talk to him after midnight, on the outside he always looks displeased but really, he loves talking to you period

whether it is at 5PM or 1AM

you shrugged, without an explanation for your craving, ‘i don’t need to reason my midnight urges to you.’

with that, you turned on your heels to head out the door with the full intention of going to get ice-cream - this wasn’t a game 

tsukishima groaned as he finally deduced that you were being dead serious and not just doing this to irritate him

‘ugh, wait.’ he scoffed, forcing himself out of bed to follow you, ‘we have ice-cream downstairs, dumb-ass. don’t bother going out.’ 

you didn’t spare him a glance, continuing to venture to the front door, ‘yeah, but we don’t have strawberry.’ 

tsukishima glared at you, realising that persuasion would not work in this situation so he’d have to resort to brute force and trickery

‘ah, alright.’ he let out a sigh of defeat, ‘at least give us a hug before you go then.’

you paid no mind to how he referred to himself as plural, which is something he only does when he is lying or guilty as he is talking on behalf of his two faces 

also, you should’ve realised something was up when he actually asked for a hug instead of just expecting you to give him one

obliging, you wrapped him in a hug; allowing him to scoop you up into his arms, throw you over his shoulder and carry you to the kitchen

‘let me go, you whore!’  you squealed, lightly slapping his back as if that’d make him let you go 

tsukishima snickered at how childish you were being, ‘you can’t go out in the middle of the night to get ice-cream. you’ll die.’ 

‘i won’t die!’

‘you definitely will.’

anyway, he ends up making you both a bowl of ice-cream and eating it with you at the kitchen table while watching Spirited Away

and despite the fact he had some too, he’ll tease you about this for..the rest of your life 

like sometimes he’ll just wake you up in the middle of the night (during holidays ofc - he respects your sleep schedule) and whisper in your ear, ‘(y/n), do you wanna come get ice-cream with me?’

Tanaka Ryūnosuke

IORFHIEBGEGBO THIS MAN

ik most ppl would think he’d just go with you without a second thought or that he’d be the one asking you to go out for ice-cream but- no- 

well, yes; he wants to 

but when you wake him at 1AM 

(which he doesn’t mind btw bc  sometimes he accidentally wakes you up at like 3AM bc he’s ragin’ on Battlefield oop-)

and you’re all like ‘ryū, wanna go get ice-cream?’ *puppy eyes*

he’s like ‘sure!- but i ain’t got money so- no ❤’ 

then he goes back to sleep 

however, if you say that you’ll pay..he’s already standing with your bags by the door

so you’re definitely gonna have to fork up some cash for that good quality pistachio gelato for him if you want his presence 😌

but tbh, if you said that you were just gonna pay for yourself, he’d come anyway-

Nishinoya Yū

y’all go out at midnight for ice-cream at least once a week-

and it literally began bc you were watching ASMRs and Mukbangs together at 1AM during a sleepover 

and one person was having some lemon gelato and it looked 👌✨ immaculate

in that moment, you both looked at each other and neither of you had to utter a single word for you both to know that there was a mutual goal in mind; to get ice-cream, ASAP

so yeah ig you didn’t have to wake him up but you did need to awake the desire for ice-cream inside him

needless to say, y’all ran to the nearest ice-cream place 

and you made a race out of it 

(you won, ofc)

AND YOU BOTH SHARED A CUP OF GELATO AND IT WAS SO CUTE ! q(≧▽≦q)

and y’know the trope where you have food on the corner of your lip/chin etc and the person kisses you to get rid of it? 

yeah he tried to do that with the trope in mind but he deadass LICKED you IWFBVBBFRI

he was like ‘omg (y/n), lemme get that for you’ 😋���

honestly, ig it depends if you are into that kinda stuff but ik some ppl would leave fast af ( ﾟдﾟ)つ Bye

Ushijima Wakatoshi

sorry i might have a bit of favouritism going on but i feel like ushijima would be a bigger bitch about it than tsukishima (at first)

but it’s like- solely bc you woke him up y’know?

‘ushijima, wanna go get ice-cream?’

he’s just laying there with his bed-head like :/

silently livid bc you messed up his potential 9 hours of sleep

‘no.’

pester all you want but that is the best you’re getting out of him that night

HOWEVER, the following afternoon (after practise ofc), he took you out for ice-cream 😊

and unlike some would believe (by ‘some’, i mean myself 2 secs ago.) i don’t think he’d be all ‘ice-cream is horrible for your health, (y/n)’ or ‘i can’t believe you’re eating that filth. your body is a temple.’

but that rather he’d just happily eat gelato with you; everything in moderation ig :)

OH AND HE’D PURPOSELLY BUY A DIFFERENT FLAVOUR FROM YOU SO HE COULD BE LIKE

‘(y/n), do you want a bite of mine?’ and give you a spoonful to try like the romance king he is  

Oikawa Tōru

you wouldn’t wake him up bc mf needs his beauty sleep

plus, it was during a sleepover at your house so ofc you didn’t want to wake up your guest 

but he’s a light sleeper so when you’re shuffling through your stuff at 1AM, sneaking around the house to find a jacket (trying to be as quiet as possible so you don’t wake him up); his eyes are open and he’s speculating that sangwoo is near

until he turns around to notice that you’re not laying next to him and he is in fact being spooned by a large pillow (probably a sangwoo body pillow smh)

after that, he hops to his feet and storms through the house in search of you so he can yell at you for ruining his sleep grr

however, once he finds you and realises that you look ready to head out, he feels inclined to firstly ask, ‘where are you going? you know it’s 2AM, right?’ 

you replied by explaining your plan to sneak out for ice-cream and he just stared at you, absolutely bewildered for a few moments

he stood like a statue with that stupid expression on his face for ages so you asked him if he was alright, to which he responded, ‘that’s such a stupid idea.’

‘so, you’re not coming with?’

‘of course i am.’

so you both ended up sitting with your ice-cream cones, in your pyjamas, on a park bench somewhere, admiring the moonlit sky along with the stars adorning it

oh, and that was actually the first time he said ‘i love you.’

Sugawara Kōshi

if feel like suga would be exactly like the guy in the sound/video: confused, tired and extremely reluctant but ofc inevitably he ends up standing outside of a dessert place, hand-in-hand with you

he’d wake up, weary from fatigue and he barely has the strength to argue with you during the day - so how exactly was he supposed to do it in the middle of the night? 

thus, he lugged himself out of bed and threw on a coat but as soon as the cold winter air bit at his nose, he was flooded with the energy and will-power to try convince you stay in with him

(It’s his parental senses) 

‘you’ll catch a cold, darling!’ (yes, he does call you that.) ‘and it’s night too, there’s probably a bunch of creeps out and around!’

at that point, it was just a battle of will

bc you both had each other’s wishes at heart

you wanted him to have peace of mind and he wanted you to have ice-cream

(and he was kinda craving some himself tbh)

so you both decided to stay in, tucking into the half-eaten tubs of Ben & Jerry’s in the fridge 

and after that, neither of you got any sleep bc you both stayed up watching movies and cuddling 🥺

Kageyama Tobio

he was wide awake at 2AM, laying beside you on the bed, practising sets��

so ofc the time wasn’t an issue

but kageyama wasn’t big on sweet treats so when you suggested that y’all should go out for ice-cream, you were shocked - to say the least - when he simply replied 

‘sure’

like why would he oppose? he was already awake. plus, he was kinda craving something sweet tbh

also, he could tell it’d make you happy and he’s whipped tbh

so you took advantage of this indifferency by immediately jolting up and dragging him to your favourite dessert place

the whole time, he acted as usual - it was as if he was just on a regular walk to school

when you got there, you both shared a sundae and he paid; what a king (❤´艸｀❤)

(it was bc you had forgotten your wallet/purse at home- but still a kind gesture 💕)

you both just sat in a booth, pecking away at the sundae while talking about anything and everything that came to mind as the low, distant R&B music from the shop’s speakers played in the background

 ‘it is flat. have you ever been on a plane before, (y/n)? did you see a single curve? no.’

you rolled your eyes, finding it physically painful how stupid kagyeama could be sometimes, ‘it’s science, kags. the earth is round! the curves are just very subtle.’

‘no.’

‘YOU CAN’T SAY NO! IT’S SCIENCE!’ 

[simplyotometrash]

Hello! I hope it’s okay if I’m requesting something again (It’s me from the fashion mess request ^^) Would you be able to do a scenario where gn!mc sorta remembers that Oh right! They’re a human and therefore can age and yknow die and they go to Asmo to voice their worries? I always wonder how someone who is A, immortal, and B, is as “self centred” as Asmodeous would react to someone being scared of death, idk I’m just in a angst reading mood-

I can surely try! I'm not too good at angsty stuff but this is the best I have for you!

Asmo x GN! MC/reader

Warnings: probably really badly written angst smh, don't judge me because I am rusty

Asmo had never thought about your mortality before. You were his human, his muse. The only person he felt he loved as much or even more than himself. While his narcissism was all a façade, it was hard to love anyone to the extent he loved himself. Until you came along. It felt strange but wonderful, beautiful but scary. He did not realize just how vulnerable being in love could make him feel.

You, on the other hand, had so much love to give. You were loving to all the brothers, though only Asmo was the one who garnered romantic affections. You just knew there was something sweet and kind behind his self-centered act. You were right, of course. The day you two started dating was the day you temporarily forgot that you were mortal.

Not now, though. You were looking through your belongings when it dawned on you: you were mortal. You were destined to grow older and eventually die. Being in the Devildom, you honestly forgot all about your own mortality. It was easy to forget when you were surrounded by magic. Hell, you knew a sorcerer who was centuries old and didn't look a day over 21. Of course you forgot about it. You let yourself believe that you were privy to escaping the clutches of your own mortality.

Needless to say, that spiraled you into a bout of existentialism that you could not shake. Being at odds with your inevitable fate was scary. You weren't even going to die soon. You were young and had so much life ahead of you. It paled in comparison to the many centuries your friends and boyfriend spent alive. They had lived for so long, never growing old and never worrying about their own death. You were just a human. You weren't anything special. You didn't have whatever magic that Solomon had to stay alive and young. You would die and everyone would eventually forget about you.

Asmo had been in his room when you showed up. You knew exactly where to find him. He had just begun to run a luxurious bubble bath for himself that he was already planning to invite you over to join him in. That was when he heard his door open and your smell hit his nose.

"Dearest! I was just about to come for you. I'm running us a bubble bath and-" He stopped at the sight of your face. You were chewing on the inside of your cheek, picking at your nails, and you looked utterly distressed. "Darling MC, what's wrong? Why're you upset?"

His concern was enough to break you. You flew into his embrace and began to pour your worries out. "Asmo, I'm...I'm afraid. Being here, being surrounded by magic and people who don't age, I forgot that I'm just a human. I...I'm going to get older and older while you all stay young. I'm going to die one day."

You spilled your heart to him and he merely held you close, rubbing small circles on your back and rocking you in his arms. "I find your mortality to be beautiful, MC. It's something I can't possibly begin to understand. You have a purpose in your life, no matter how short it is compared to mine. You humans do so much with the time you're given and make such an impact on those around you. Your memory lives on for years."

"But one day I'm going to die and...and I'll have to leave you..." Your sobs broke his heart. He knew you didn't want to leave him or his brothers. You were happy there in the Devildom. But it had to hurt knowing that you were the only one who would grow old and die.

"And your memory will live with me for the rest of my days. None of us would ever be able to forget you or how you touched our lives. You brought us back together as a family. You gave me more than I can even say. But," he said, "if you really want to look into extending your lifespan then I think that's something we can do together."

Truth be told, Asmo's suggestion was partly selfish in intent. He was trying so hard to provide you with comfort and kind words. Help ease your worry about your mortality. But he did not want to think about losing you. He would love nothing more than for you to be with him for years to come, centuries even. Losing you would break him. You, the one he loved more than he loved himself. The one who touched his very heart and reminded him what it's like to love and be truly loved by another person.

"Now, how about we stop this talk for right now. It's upsetting you and all this stress is bad for your skin! Let's get you one of my robes and then into the bubble bath we go, my darling!"

You knew he was only trying to help ease your worries. He wasn't good with tears. But for now, you could say you were content. Your fears were heard and you would work through them together, hand in hand.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 288: ZOOM AND ENHANCE

Previously on BnHA: Tomura, AFO, Deku, and Nana all met up inside of OFA and were all, “wow this is awkward.” AFO talked a whole bunch about vestiges before realizing that nobody cared (EXCEPT FOR ME. I CARED!!), and was then all “anyway so just to get everyone up to speed here, Tomura is Nana’s grandson.” OFA appeared and was all “what up bro I see you’re still a dick”, and then everyone stood around for a bit waging psychokinetic war on each other and blowing up on the ground and shit. This didn’t really accomplish anything, so AFO shifted gears and started trash talking Deku instead, because he’s a whiny little punkass loser who can’t admit when his brother has gotten the best of him yet again! OFA was all “anyways Deku rules and haters gonna hate, peace”, and then everyone wooshed back out of OFA and back into the real world, Deku with his quirk still intact. Meanwhile Gigantomachia and the LoV stampeded ever closer to the city, and Toga started monologuing in preparation for a seemingly inevitable battle with Ochako! And then the chapter basically just ended there lol.

Today on BnHA: Imagine you are Uraraka Ochako. And you’re out here doing what you do best, saving bitches and being a badass, when all of a sudden some old lady runs up to you and is all “PLEASE HELP ME, MY HUSBAND IS ASLEEP OR SOME SHIT, YOU KNOW US OLD PEOPLE, WE’RE SO FUCKING FEEBLE AND HAPLESS.” And so you’re all “OF COURSE” because you’re a good fucking person, and then she speeds off like she’s got fucking wheels and it’s like damn, grandma, were you in varsity track or what, and then OUT OF NOWHERE she just spontaneously turns into HIMIKO FUCKING TOGA. And she’s all naked and shit, and it’s like damn, Toga, where are your clothes, and she just giggles and ducks into a nearby building. And so you follow her for god knows what reason, and she fucking pounces on you and starts interrogating you in like the most seductive way possible, and you’re all wtf is this. Like, can you even imagine. Anyway so Ochako is having quite a day.

okay lol so I’ve gotta kind of rush through this since I’ve got other stuff I need to wrap up today as well, so! fingers crossed that we get a nice, simple chapter with no controversies or elaborate revelations or anything like that! just give me lots of stuff to mindlessly keysmash about, Horikoshi. I’m counting on you bro

lol what

an actual fucking plane?? is that allowed?? how bizarrely normal. are we sure this plane does not shoot lasers or something or is powered by someone with like a fusion reactor quirk idk

and who tf is Takeo-san. some random guy Horikoshi is suddenly introducing after 300 chapters to come save everyone at the last minute? pretty sus. Horikoshi is this your self insert

GASP

NO WAY THIS IS ALL MIGHT, RIGHT?? holy shit I swear to god if it’s All Might this lady needs to TURN THE FUCK AROUND RIGHT NOW. stop at McDonalds, order a black coffee for herself and only herself, and drive the rest of the way back home without so much as a bathroom break. there are certain prophecies which we don’t need to be tempting right now, okay people?? holy shit

(ETA: OR, here’s a thought, WHAT IF IT’S BEST JEANIST. hope springs eternal lmao. anyways though surely it’s not actually All Might. he can’t die yet, he’s got like 5 million secret things he needs to explain to Deku, and also Kacchan is unconscious and he can’t just SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH ALL MIGHT’S DEATH like come on.)

oh look more heroes all lining up to be slaughtered by Machia

real talk, at this point their priority should just be evacuating any citizens in Machia’s path, and then getting the fuck out of his way. none of them stand a chance in hell at stopping him and they know it. the body count is already high enough as it is. regroup and live to fight another day, people

anyway, so Machia is apparently plowing through cities at 100km per hour. that... actually might not be fast enough. Gunga and Jakku were 80km apart, so at that rate it would take him nearly an hour to reach Tomura. that fight’s gonna be long done by the time they get there. huh

okay these guys are saying he’s going to reach them in about 8 minutes. ?? so are you telling me Tomura and Deku and the rest have been fighting for like 40 minutes already?? lmao Gran probably bled to death half an hour ago at this rate. Horikoshi please explain yourself. some of us spent our entire childhoods doodling comics instead of paying attention in math and science AND IT SHOWS

anyway so this is all very bad and this guy is really rubbing it in just how bad it is

I mean... yeah. obviously the villains are still to blame at the core of it all, but yeah. feels like you all could have planned a hell of a lot better for this. you knew there was the risk of Tomura waking up, and you knew there was also the risk of Gigantomachia waking up as well. and you pretty much had no contingency plan at all huh. society is really gonna be in shambles after this

lmao look at this shit. Machia is so big at this point that it looks like they’re having a picnic in the middle of some desert somewhere. at what point does it cease being a guy’s back and start being its own zip code

even has its own wifi. amazing

oh shit Compress apparently spotted someone and he’s asking Skeptic to “zoom and enhance” like it’s CS fucking I. that’s not how it works Compress you fucking boomer

anyway so OF COURSE,

was there a reason you needed to zoom in on them, other than to trigger Toga?? some people just want to watch the world burn

so Toga is now GEARIN’ UP!!

that honestly is so fucking handy. over at U.A. they have to carry their gear in briefcases like scrubs. does Compress actually have the best quirk in the world?? it flies under the radar so well that I always forget about it, but like WHAT CAN’T IT DO though, y’know??

WELL WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN MY DUDE

“oh hey is that the U.A. kids? Skeptic could you please zoom in on them for absolutely no reason? OH MY GOD TOGA IS RUNNING OFF TO FIGHT THEM, OH MY GOD WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN, OH MY GOD”

now he’s all “DABI PLEASE DO SOMETHING” but Dabi is all “DABI DON’T CARE”

Dabi don’t care about NOTHING OR NO ONE!! Dabi don’t got time for this

lmao I literally forgot that Spinner was even there, shit

so are you gonna go with her then or not? because I got news for you dude, it doesn’t matter how heartwarming your speech is, nothing can stop this girl now that she’s gone full distracted boyfriend meme

AW BUT IT REALLY IS HEARTWARMING THOUGH

Spinner is the glue keeping this dysfunctional Addams family together honestly. too bad he couldn’t stop Compress from OPENING HIS BIG DUMB MOUTH ah well

lmao but he’s letting her go anyway though

Spinner for new LoV President. all in favor??

ANYWAYS LOL THIS IS BAD

“ACCELERATE EVACUATIONS” LOL WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO OCHAKO HE’S MOVING AT 100KM AN HOUR AND HE’S LIKE FUCKING GODZILLA SIZED FKJLK

“PLEASE RUN OUTSIDE OF THE VILLAIN’S PERIPHERY” well thank fucking god the people have you guys to guide them what would they even do without you lklkhlkds

NO HORIKOSHI DON’T YOU DARE

IF YOU HURT MY GIRL FROPPY I SWEAR TO GOD!! LEAVE HER ALONE YOU BRIGAND

OH THANK GOD

“sorry for SAVING YOUR LIFE” smh. anyway so how fucking badass is Ochako though?? can we just talk about this. THE GIRL POWER ARC STRIKES AGAIN hot damn

(ETA: and btw, seeing as Iida is nowhere to be found, I’d say odds are pretty good that they did in fact send him to go warn the Endeavorsquad of Gigantomachia’s imminent arrival. godspeed Iida! they need all the help they can get right now honestly.)

EXCUSE ME BUT ARE YOU TOGA

IS THIS TOGA. THIS IS DEFINITELY TOGA OMG

“I IMMEDIATELY TRUST YOU AND I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH” noooo Ochako nooooo

damn Toga you really drained some poor old lady’s blood just so you could pull this kind of sneaky shit. I forgot how much I loved you

ohhhh lol so it’s her “husband” that is Takeo-san lol

THE BETTER TO LURE YOU INTO A TRAP MY DEAR

lmao Ochako you rube

now you’ve done it Toga. there is nothing Ochako loves more than a good old fashioned Old People Romance. DID YOU KNOW SHE HAS SEEN THE NOTEBOOK LIKE FIFTY TIMES. AND NO MATTER WHAT, IT ALWAYS GETS HER AT THE END. meanwhile I just want to watch a movie where James Marsden actually gets the girl for once but we all know that will never happen

OH MY

ngl this page would be like a thousand times better if Ochako was still blushing omg. did I ship this before?? I honestly can’t remember but I sure as fuck ship it now goddammit

(ETA: pretty sure I shipped it back during the Forest arc too but I don’t have time to check right now lol. but Toga is just so horny on main for everyone, all the time, and so like, it’s hard not to ship it.)

so now Toga is running off all flirtatiously and Ochako is barreling after her lol

plot twist, Takeo-san is actually in there. and he has NO IDEA what’s going on. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE. WHY IS THERE A GIANT MOLE MAN BURROWING THROUGH THE CITY

Ochako why on earth would you follow Toga into this dark creepy house where she could spring at you from any angle out of nowhere. just go back outside and float up over it until you have a high enough vantage point to see all the exits and just wait for her to come out

Toga says she wanted to talk to Tsuyu-chan as well, but let’s be real, you and her don’t have the same kind of electrically charged kismesis energy that you’ve got going on with Ochako though

LMAO DEKU NOWHERE IS SAFE

getting dragged like a fucking wedding train and he’s not even there to defend himself, shit

blah blah blah just ask her your question already Toga

MY WORD

would someone please inform Toga that this manga is only rated PG-13

so now Ochako is all “seriously Toga wtf”

you see that’s what I wanted to know too, lol. I really like that the characters actually think about these things and ask these kind of questions. that’s exactly the contrast between the heroes and the villains right there. the villains care about each other, they’ll give each other heartwarming speeches to please come back alive, and yet they’re utterly indifferent to the thousands of people being killed as they demolish their way through city after city. meanwhile by contrast Ochako’s first thought upon being erotically waylaid by her sexy knife-wielding archnemesis is “but what about that poor old lady is she all right.” just completely opposite energies, almost to a hilarious degree. like maybe Ochako actually should worry about herself just a little bit more lol but heroes gonna hero

and so now what, Toga!! you’re gonna pout about it?? like she’s betrayed you somehow?

anyway so that’s the end of the chapter! and I’ll just come right out and say that I’m hoping that this fight ends up being something where Toga maybe starts to see things just a little bit more from Ochako’s point of view, and not the other way around, because otherwise I’ll be a little frustrated, ngl. the manga has done an excellent job of making the villains likeable and relatable and getting us to sympathize with them up till this point, but at some point it’s got to start refuting some of these arguments and making it clear that the villains do not actually have any kind of moral high ground here

and also! I really like Toga and would like her to have some kind of redemption arc! but as of now that’s looking to be really difficult if not impossible to pull off, because Toga hasn’t exactly shown a whole lot of remorse for anything she’s done so far, you know? because she doesn’t see it as bad in any way; to her it’s just her way of expressing love, and being true to who she is. but being true to yourself really should NOT involve, you know, MURDER, and so yeah. it’s a problem lmao

but who knows! maybe this battle with Ochako will be the start of something which eventually leads to some sort of change within her! I have absolutely no idea how that could play out tbh, but even so I can hope! either that or she will double down on the whole “villains are victims and heroes are apathetic cruel hypocrites” ideology and decide she wants to kill Ochako and Izuku for breaking her heart, in which case I will be very sad, but I guess if that’s the way Horikoshi’s gonna play it it is what it is!

and lastly, so is this going to be like the final battle between them or something?? surely not, right? like this is just round 2 of 3. well at any rate, it’s sure going to be interesting

[appledotcodotuk]

why the hive fckin suck at its job: a rant

spoilers for tgwdlm ahead!

first of all, it's important to consider what exactly the hive's job is. my answer is... who the fuck knows. literally. what is the hive's aim. what do you want Paul? more like, what do you want hive? let's find out!

it kinda evolves, as the play progresses. the intial aim of the hive, and one that does actually remain consistent is the constant burning need to grow and devour and gain more and more (insert capitalism metaphor here).

however, this is distorted by the people it possess who influence that aim, as we'll see later.

also the fact it crashes into a theatre displaying Mamma Mia gives the hive the motive it need to fit the world around it to the structure of the musical. having no originality of its own, the hive instead just picks up what is given to it. kinda like an evil baby.

it wants uniformity, that is indeed its ultimate goal and desire, no duh. it thinks it can achieve that through musical theatre, shame that the hive is dead wrong. cause the hive fucking sucks at its own job / aim / ultimate purpose / one concrete goal that motivates all its actions.

can't maintain control over its subjects

okay, so, the hive wants uniformity. it wants everyone to be dancing to the beat of its own tune. right? yeah. shame it literally can't keep its own possessed subjects in line at all. at the risk of sounding like the 10th doctor waxing lyrical abt humanity for the 50th time, humans are really difficult to control cause we're not really motivated by an altruistic allegiance to one primary good. we've got icky emotions that often move us to do stupid unpredictable stuff way more. it makes me wonder if the reason the hive wanted to use musical theatre to try and persuade ppl was cause it seems to think that is how theyll get emotive humans; through emotive songs. anyways. let's look at some examples shall weeeee?

Mr Davidson:

so, Mr Davidson. funnily enough, he's the guy whose in part acting as the hive trying to figure out what it wants through his interactions w/ Paul. every person it possess gives it just a bit more humanity and curiosity abt the world it is currently taking over. at least I think so. hence why as the musical develops u get character's like possessed!Alice wondering 'why does it hurt to love?' - the change in music and mood to something much more introspective really suggests to me that the hive is beginning to question the thoughts and emotions of its human hosts.

Mr Davidson is a family man through and through, he loves his wife Carol. she's his muse, his source of light. his feelings for her are not concrete or easy to explain and solve - hence why his sudden ahem demand of her is so hilarious and also jarring. it completely clashes with the 'I want song' which is simple, and often pushes forward a wider cause. not so with Mr Davidson, he just really loves his wife man. enough to break a frickin alien possession.

tbh I think its hilarious that (at least to me) the hive has to force him to forget and continue with the song, like, he straight up is just talking to his wife in that phone call, talking, not singing. so, no possession until he reverts back into song. ergo, the hive cannot maintain the uniformity it wants. even from the get go when theoretically its control should be stronger cause it has less ppl to co-ordinate. bad. at. its. job.

Paul:

this one hurts folks. yes, I know it's generally agreed, though somewhat debated that the state of Paul by the end of the tgwdlm is not purely possessed. I agree. once again, the hive is unable to truly enforce uniformity.

at this point, the motives of Paul and the hive are kinda just mixed, neither fully human nor fully alien. hence the constant shifts between pleeing for her to get away, to hide, to stay safe: 'what if the only choice is you have to sing to survive' and just full on old style hive nastiness 'let me puke in your mouth and just open your food bin girl' (so romantic 🥰 /j).

the hive has gone away from its original aim, and become something... different. no longer stuck to just one type of genre or style of song, it's really clever to show the developing complexity of the hive by showing how it is now juggling lots of different motifs with references to all the old songs from before recontextualised in a new way - its learning. evil baby... no longer uniform.

general miscommunication:

there are several instances of the hive not fully having uniform control over its subjects. for instance, right after not your seed with the three teens having to like... calibrate. they aren't just completely connected then?? also, this is a very small thing, but uhhhh at the end of inevitable when Paul is about to say the apotheosis is upon... the chorus interrupts him with USSSSSSS. interruptions??? not very in sync of u hive.

I think this inability to exert uniformity is also shown in the contrast between genre of musical theatre. my alien abomination cannot decide whether it wants to be the more modern edgy rock musical (join us (and die), not your seed ) or super happy go lucky old style musical theatre (lah dee dah dah day, and inevitable). it tries to do both, even while trying to encourage union, and sticking to one thing. hypocrite!!!!!

2. aims are guided by the people it possess

so, I mentioned this a bit already, but the hive isn't only mutating the humans, the humans are mutating the hive right back. this is more an interesting observation than any actual analysis but let's goooo.

greenpeace girl:

I think it's very likely that greenpeace girl is one of the first to be possessed. This is probably easily debunkable but whatever this analysis is flying by the seat or its pants anywayyyyy. why? cause where else would it pick up that whole 'this planet needs fixing' thing? it's interesting too, cause it morphs from expressing the desire to join hands and sing together, unity and peace with no actual action behind it. this then goes right to the other end, with the hive going 'fine I'll do it myself' and trying to save things by enforcing a dictatorship on the world. it develops and changes, and strays from its original means of accomplishing its aims! speaking oooooof...

3. inconsistent in means of accomplishing aims

okay, ur an evil hive mind. u think musicals are the way to win over these silly humans cause they're all weak and emotive and seem to respond to them. but, wait! schwoopsie! you haven't realised that for emotional depth and growth to mean anything, you need there to be established development and well... growth. otherwise the sentiments are as vague as the ones expressed in What Do You Want, Paul?

this show has genuine emotional moments, just not really during the musical numbers WITH EXCEPTIONS. any strife is smoothed over quickly, and so the development and change that would have to go into such growth is just gone. (see, You Tied Up My Heart) all so it can achieve its own desire to grow and grow and grow, maybe a metaphor for art being killed under late stage capitalism??

what actually matters is the impact the songs have afterwards, in causing a death - because we have a bond and care abt these characters. those short scenes between Paul and Emma are actually way more resonant than any song. except... inevitable, and also not your seed a bit. at this point the hive has learnt a thing or two, and can actually twist human emotion a little. but for it to do that, it has to reject the uniformity it prizes, and be adaptable. point towards being more human than it first thought? methinks so. and yet it's just not enough...

it's also why let it out, to me, feels really ingenuine. Paul has expressed himself in much better ways already. what they're doing is clearly paining him, and hurting the guy. he's terrified bless.

you can't force someone into being emotional vulnerable, man.

it's why all the deaths for the characters who are forced to express themselves are really violent, involving them being ripped open - literally forcing them to expose themselves from the 'inside out' as Alice reflects in Not Your Seed. you can't force genuine emotional connection, it has to be fostered, shown in the much more affecting relationship of Paul and Emma. the only reason the hive actually has power over our characters is because of these genuine emotional connections, which it tries and often fails to take advantage of, resulting in just resorting to brute violence. messy hive, very messy.

at the core, the musical's a kinda attack on that toxic positivity mindst: trying to force people to reach the sort of easy solutions by sharing feelings in a way that feels pretty invasive and deciding you are instantly fixed. the problems these characters face are jarringly not really what you'd expect a character in a musical to face, cheating, a lot of it, mid-life crisis. problems that are bland, or wayyyy too real. this is purposefully done, to reveal just how silly the hive's aim to use musical theatre to solve everyone's problem is. life is more complex than that smh.

4. a human can write a much more expressive, and genuine song than they ever could lol

u know which song I'm talking abt. what more is there to say. so much for making persuasive songs to tempt people over.

5. make me sad cause they took some perfectly nice ppl and funked them up 😭

this was a stupid point lol. basically I'm just bitter that this hive took a bunch of perfectly okay ppl and gave them hive brain. screw u hive. I swear I'm gonna watch Black Friday soon, cause I'm sure it's gonna completely destroy every thought I've had so far, but whateve,,, just take this as a look at tgwdlm like it's a stand-alone piece.

these guys are supposed to all be 'individuals' on one level, but also 'appendages of a much larger organism'. there's a little too much individualism and fracturing to be cohesive enough to do that I feel. the hive to me is not an infallible, unstoppable force, in fact, every human it takes over only brings it closer to understanding us. so that's maybe a slight positive note??? idk ?! I just have lots of thoughts and feelings abt this musical even if this doesn't make sense I'm proud i wrote it down hehe.

[thorias]

Random thoughts watching Riverdale episode 4

Betty keeps a diary. An actual diary. Like in a notebook and everything. Why, when we’re in the age of tumblr and password protection and all that good stuff, would she write her private thoughts down in something like that? Especially when Alice Cooper is her mom! I just met Alice four episodes ago and I know Betty is just asking for that diary to be found and read, so I have no idea what she’s thinking. 

Even the slightest tease that Archie’s dad has a thing for Ms. Grundy makes me depressed that there are not enough ‘NOPE’ gifs in the freaking world to accurately convey my revulsion. 

Kevin is the first character to get sick enough of all the pop culture references being dropped to call attention to it. And thus, a star is born. 

Just as I’m writing a question about why Jughead cares so much about a drive-in when Netflix exists, Veronica takes the words right out of my mouth. Maybe this show is more self-aware than I thought. 

“What was it like before she got here? I honestly cannot remember.” Oh Kevin, you might just be my favorite character this week. 

Betty is putting the pieces together about Archie/Grundy even faster than I expected. Of course, Archie being so thick-headed that he practically spells it out for her certainly accelerates that process. 

“It’s not what you’re thinking.” Shut up, Archie. It’s either exactly what she's thinking or it’s even worse. You’re not very good at this cushioning-the-blow thing, are you? 

Betty is the first person to mention the incredible illegalities of what Archie and Grundy are doing -- illegal, as in jail time -- and he’s still trying to play it off like it’s something innocent. I swear, this dunce makes comic!Archie look like Stephen Hawking. 

Archie actually has the balls to say that Grundy believed in him when no one else did. Betty was taking this news shockingly well until he hit her with that one and now you can actually see her heart being crushed into a fine paste. I want to reach through my TV screen and punch this guy in the face. He had someone who believed in him the whole time; maybe if he hadn’t been so busy friend-zoning her so he could bang his music teacher, he would have noticed. Why must you make it so damn hard to root for you to get your shit together, Archie? ffs 

See what you’ve done, Archie?! You just made me say, “Thank god, Betty’s mom is here!” as she rolls up and tells her daughter to get in the car immediately just to get her away from you. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Ass.

Betty is interviewing Grundy and I suddenly can’t help but feel like Chuck got off easy last week. 

Are they suggesting that TV!Grundy killed comic!Grundy and stole her identity? This is so meta, it’s making me short of breath. 

Maybe a little bit of all the suspicious stuff Betty just dropped in Archie’s lap sunk in because he’s starting to ask Grundy questions, but like any self-respecting she-beast, she distracts him with sex, which seems to be her go-to strategy every time he begins to doubt their relationship in any way. At this point, I’m surprised she doesn’t eat her mate after she gets her freak on. 

Betty Cooper is really good at breaking into cars and picking locks. I don’t know what reality is anymore. 

So “Grundy” has an ID under a different name and a gun stashed in her car. If Archie doesn’t listen to reason now, I vote we have this dumbass sterilized before he reproduces.

I’m pretty sure the writers having Betty be the one to say that something isn’t crazy was intended to be funny, but who can tell at this point? 

Grundy gives Archie some half-baked sob story about an abusive ex-husband and he just believes her without even asking about the gun or the dead old lady with the same name as her. People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live. 

Kevin’s dad seems perfectly at ease and accepting of his son being gay. This comes as a surprise to me, but one I’m happy about. There are enough dysfunctional parent/child relationships on this show already. One more would have been really pushing it.  

I don’t know why, but for now, it seems as if the characters are accepting Grundy’s story as the truth. That being the case, Betty still tries to appeal to Archie’s *cough* common sense by explaining how unhealthy this relationship is because of very real and easy-to-understand reasons. Archie isn’t exactly disagreeing with her this time, so I guess that’s a small step forward, but he’s going to have some pretty epic groveling to do to redeem himself to Betty when she’s inevitably proven right about all this. 

I’m less concerned about Alice finding the gun in Betty’s sock drawer and more concerned about the fact that Betty took Grundy’s gun and hid it where her nosy mom would easily find it. Isn’t Betty supposed to be the smart one? And do I even want to know what she planned to do with the gun if she wasn’t going to turn it in to the police? 

Oh look, Alice is reading Betty’s diary. WOW, WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING?!?! This is what computers and passwords are for, Betty. 

So Betty’s mom knows about Archie/Grundy now. Alice, I’m begging you... use your powers for good, just this once. 

Veronica yells at the gang of biker thugs to stop talking during the movie and they actually shut up. In what universe would that ever work? Did I just switch to the Syfy channel by accident? 

Archie got Grundy a “thank you” gift for seducing him into her sick web of romanticized statutory rape. I seriously want to retch every time these two are on-screen together. Please tell me the parents are about to put a stop to this.  

Oh, so it’s a ‘good bye’ gift? So Archie has finally decided to listen to Betty and do the sane thing? Halle-fucking-lujah!  Just a little too late though, as the Alice and Fred come busting in. The timing does suck as it seemed Archie was, at long last, starting to rub his two functioning brain cells together, but I can’t say he doesn’t deserve this reality check. 

So instead of getting beaten up by the biker thug, Kevin hooks up with him. Now I know this is science fiction. Whatever. At least the thug is age-appropriate. 

Leave it to Alice Cooper to take a dimwitted underage kid getting taken advantage of by a sexual predator and turn it into a way to ruin the reputation of the kid. Way to keep your eye on the ball, Alice. 

Archie admitting that he’s selfish, stupid and doesn’t deserve to be Betty’s friend might be the most honest thing he’s said since this show started. He may be a dunderhead of the highest order, but at least he’s aware of it, for all the good it did him. 

Now Betty is threatening to tell everyone that she broke into Grundy’s car and made up the whole story just to protect Archie from her mom. I swear, this girl makes me want to use to term “cinnamon roll” unironically. Though I do wonder if her NOT protecting him could be the only way he might learn something from this situation. 

Fred tells Archie that he wasn’t being stupid and this thing with Grundy wasn’t his fault. Fred, I appreciate you trying to be an understanding dad, but please don’t let Archie off the hook just when he’s finally owned up to one of his failings. A get-out-of-jail-free card is that last thing he needs. 

Betty is such a pure angel of goodness and light that she actually apologizes to Archie. For a second, I’m afraid he’s going to blame her for what happened and don’t act like you weren’t thinking it too. But he acknowledges that she was just trying to help and it seems like these two are okay again. I’m pissed as all hell that Grundy has somehow avoided getting arrested, but I guess I’ll take what I can get right now. 

Betty goes right back to writing in her diary. Betty, if you must, at least get a wall safe for that thing so your mom can’t just read it whenever she wants next time, okay? 

And just to stick the knife in a little deeper, the show reminds us that Grundy still has a thing for underage boys and now she’s leaving town without going to jail, so she can ruin some other poor kid’s life somewhere else. Well, fuck-a-doodle-doo, that’s just the way I was hoping this storyline would end. smh 

I spend the whole episode wondering why Jughead is so attached to the drive-in, only to find out that he was living there and is now homeless. Good grief, that storyline did a one-eighty from confusing to heart-breaking in a big hurry.   

And the biker thug doing shady business with Veronica’s mom is Jughead’s dad? FFS, Riverdale, I thought we had an agreement about no more dysfunctional parent/child stuff. I’m kind of at my limit here. 

I’m almost afraid to ask, but... if Jughead is homeless, his dad’s in a gang and his mom isn’t around, then where’s his little sister? Please don’t tell me Jelly Bean is dead. 

[phantroyleryaknowgay-blog]

Phil’s Merch

Tw: I guess an almost panic attack? Not really but better safe than sorry

Phil's thumb hovered over the button. Dan was watching him with caring eyes as his breathing steadily increased the longer he put off actually pressing his thumb down that half a millimeter. "Hey." Phil looked up into those eyes. "They're going to love it. They've been waiting for it, yes, and you won't disappoint them, because you're you and you could never do that. Everything's going to love it."

Phil softly smiled as Dan talked him through it, inching closer as he did so, until his arm was around his shoulder and his head rested in the crook of his neck. Phil laid his head on top of Dan's. "I know logically you're right. Everything's going to be fine. But... but..."

"But that doesn't stop it from being terrified you'll disappoint someone. I'm telling you now that that's impossible. Now come one, do it with me." Dan placed his hand over Phil's gently and slowly pushed down. "Three... two... one."

And there it went. Phil's merch was now live and anyone could see it, buy it, see the pictures of him posing in it, and oh no that smirk on his face was too stupid, his ears stuck out far too far, everyone would notice, he couldn't do this, he just couldn't, I mean it was all too much too fast. Without his knowledge his breathing picked up again and blood was pounding through his head.

Dan noticed and hugged him a bit tighter, whispering and kissing softly into his neck that everything would be fine. Slowly Phil came back. He suddenly realized he was exhausted after worrying about this for so long.

"I... I think I'm going to rest my eyes for a bit." Dan smiled. "I think that sounds wonderful and will do you some good." Phil laid down and Dan helped him pull up the covers. "Do you want me to stay or go?"

Phil was still anxious and probably would have appreciated Dan staying until he fell asleep, but he didn't want to be the reason Dan put off working. And so, he faked a small smile and shook his head. "No, you can go. You probably should work on some things. I'll be fine." Dan frowned a little. "You're sure?" He asked. Phil gave a slightly wider more real smile at his worry. "Yes. I'm sure. Go run the world."

Dan leaned over and kissed him for a moment, softly and sweetly. When he pulled away, Phil felt a little better, for real. "Ok, if you're sure. Get some sleep Philip." Phil chuckled slightly at the name. "Yes mum. I promise I will. You go get some work done you." Dan stood up. "Alright then, I'll see you in a while after I've actually been productive. Ugh." And he left the room. Phil's eyes sparkled as he watched Dan's retreating back, and closed as Dan shut the door behind him, leaving him in partial darkness besides the slightest glow coming from behind his drawn drapes.

Dan actually was productive. He was incredibly proud of what Phil had achieved, but also felt slightly guilty of his own contributions these days. He knew quite a few people were getting impatient for him to DO something, and since they didn't see progress with their own eyes, or how much he does a day, that obviously means he does nothing all day, right? Wrong, but still, he wanted to do his absolute best to appease everyone.

After actually doing things for about two hours, Dan inevitably found himself on Tumblr. He smiled to himself as he scrolled through the millions of people losing their shit over what Phil had accomplished, and became almost teary-eyed at the people explaining how proud they were of him-although Dan knew for a fact he held the lead for that.

Once he was done trolling through Tumblr and having what he saw threaten to break his depressing blackness and death typicalness, he decided to check on his boyfriend. He really had him worried earlier, and Dan hoped he had gotten some sleep and that it had helped him. He opened the door as quietly as he could... and froze at what he saw on the other side.

Phil was lying on his side with tears streaming down his face, staring at his phone. He hadn't even unlocked it, but he had Twitter notifications on, and was just scrolling through the multitudes of them, not even seeing what they said, both from how fast they were moving down his screen and from the water flooding his eyes. For a split second Dan had hope the tears were happy ones from seeing how happy everyone was with his creations, but one look at his face told him otherwise. Phil's eyes were slightly squinting in pain at staring at a screen in the darkness, his mouth was tightly closed into a line, and all in all his entire body was tensed, as if against a physical attack.

In a moment Dan rushed to his side, deftly taking the phone with one hand and squeezing Phil to him with the other. He set the phone down on the bedside table quickly and adjusted to hold Phil tightly to him. After a few seconds Dan could hear him whispering almost silently. He bent down slightly to listen. "It's too much, there's so many of them, I can't do this, I can't do it, I can't..."

Dan's face turned stricken. Phil didn't deserve to feel this way about what he had done. "Hey... you don't have to do anything. They're loving it. Everything's positive. Nothing's wrong and you don't have to say anything, in the very least, not yet." Dan hesitated for a second before asking. "Would you like me to take over everything for you for a bit?

Almost imperceptibly Phil nodded into his chest. He shifted until he was completely curled into Dan, took a deep breath, and gave a sigh of relief. Dan hated seeing him so small, his 6'2.9 boyfriend was anything but small, but right now he was emotionally 2 inches tall. "Ok. I can do that."

With Phil's head still resting right below his breastbone, Dan stretched his arm to grab the phone off the small table. Going into Phil's phone, he put on some of their favourite music to calm Phil down a smidge and began to sort through the social media mess. Dan showed him the glow ups people had done, the memes of how they were giving Phil all their money, the millions of tweets saying how much they loved him, all of the people who had changed their names to a series of Wingdings no one could read as a tribute. Dan replied to many comments on the original post about the merch, always making sure in some way they had Phil's approval first. After about twenty minutes Phil's body had lost the tense quality keeping it captive, and had begun chuckle at some of the funnier posts. He still wasn't 100%, but he was much better.

After a while Dan realized they needed to address the fact that the socks were out of stock. He looked down at Phil who was staring at him with puppy dog eyes as if he was his one true savior. "D'you think I could tweet from your account about the sock thing?" Phil nodded, still watching him with attentive eyes, watching his every move as if each one could fix the world.

Dan leaned over to quickly press his lips to the top of Phil's head before swiftly typing up a tweet about the out of stock socks.

"Oh wow the socks are already sold out! So happy you like them they'll be restocked soon🌵🧦"

Dan glanced down at Phil's sleepy eyes watching him. As he looked, Phil smiled softly at him, leaned up, and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you Bear."

Dan's eyes crinkled up as he smiled back. "No problem Lion." He clicked the tweet button.

It took only a few minutes before Dan realized he had slightly fucked up. It was the comments that told him that. The indistinguishable series of shapes quickly flooded the replies with variations of the words "PHIL! Smh, missed the perfect opportunity for a pun, come on man." Dan scrolled quickly to see what exactly had slipped by until he saw one that expressly said what play on words could have been achieved here.

"Missed opportunity to say reSOCKed." And a really below saying "PHIL HOW".

Dan burst out "Oh for fuck's sake!" In a flash Phil sat bolt upright, blinking blearily down at Dan and the phone, Dan realizing belatedly how that might have scared him. "What? What's happened? Did something break? What-" He was cut off by Dan tugging him back down. "It's nothing."

"It's obviously something or you wouldn't have said anything!" Dan sat up at this, leaned his back against the wall, pulled Phil into his lap, and tucked his head into his neck, holding him close. "I only meant it was nothing terribly important. In response to the tweet people were pointing out we missed the opportunity for a pun, and I felt a bit like a twat for missing the mark on your brand. Relax. Everything's fine, I promise."

Everything was quiet for a few moments. And then Phil burst out laughing. Dan looked at him questioningly and Phil got out. "I- I was so scared haha, but you were just annoyed at our subscribers for besting you!" Dan looked down at him, and started laughing too. They went on like this for several moments, before collecting themselves. Phil relaxed in Dan's arms, turning back around and taking his phone back, ready to face it all. Dan wrapped his arms around his waist as Phil looked through everything, taking a deep inhalation into Phil's hair. Soon enough he hear Phil start giggling.

"What?" Dan questioned, a half smile appearing on his face at just the sound of Phil being happy. "Read this one."

"'Dan didn't promote his bo- his friend's merch smh' oh my god." Dan joined his fri- boyfriend's laughing. "I suppose they don't know I spent the entire day promoting your merch from the inside."

Phil smirked up at him. "Yep, just like a spy you were, while also being my entire support system at the time."

"Well I guess I am pretty awesome," Dan said sarcastically. Phil suddenly got a lot more serious, smiling softly up at his boyfriend. "You really, really are." Dan grinned at him, and Phil poked his dimple with his thumb, while also pulling his face closer.

They kissed softly, but for a long time. Together the duo got up and went to brush their teeth, still holding contact even if it was just their arms brushing or holding hands in between. And together they went back to the bed, laid down, and pulled the covers up, ready to sleep after their long day.

"Thank you. I was just so overwhelmed, and you... you fixed everything." Phil whispered.

"I'll always be here when you need me Phil. I'm proud of what you did today, it was big. Good night. I love you Phil. Always."

"I love you too Dan. Always."

And... there we go I guess. I wasn’t really planning on doing my first phan fic today but it kinda happened so yay.

[shikungigi]

Someone keeps saying I should do more travel pieces, but I keep fighting it, in the spirit of keeping things under wraps. But something changed this time, and I thought it’s good to talk about travelling in its true unInstagrammable form. It started with missing my flight. You do not want to ever miss your flight, friend. If you are going somewhere in the evening, just make sure you are at JKIA by afternoon, honestly. I fought against my very instinct and ended up leaving way later and then not using the bypass. So once we were stuck in Upper Hill traffic, I knew we were done for and just pretty much gave up.

You will meet drivers who think they know Nairobi shortcuts, those that lead you straight into the bowels of the traffic glut itself claiming there is less traffic in the tiny roads. It is painful. And, I, for one, will never take a bodaboda from CBD to JKIA to beat time. I am not crazy and I love myself too much. To cut the long story short, we ended up at the gate right at the minute it closed. After confusing ourselves for another many minutes and taking the wrong escalators and turns. LOL. Also, I was not laughing that time.

We had to make very quick decisions and pay the penalty for the next flight out at midnight. Through it all, my colleague thought I was in denial. I was so collected – like, this happens to me all the time sister, relax. My dad called and suggested I ask where Miguna had been staying so I can spend the time there as well. SMH. I counted the notes at that customer service desk and it all felt so surreal. The total penalty was more than the original flight cost. But later on my colleague reminded me to count my blessings. It could always be worse. The price of a lesson learnt far outweighs the experience. We might not even have had that money in the first place and could have missed the next flight altogether. I was supposed to be mad at someone for this but I was not. Did I forget to mention the part where I left something in the Uber because of the rush? I had to smile at so many men to go backwards through departures to the starting point to meet the driver at the terminal. This involved leaving my passport behind too and coming back to an immigration guy who wanted to play with my head and freak me out by not giving it back immediately.

Not the perfect start to a travel story, right? Wrong. This is the real deal.

Entebbe. Until this trip happened, it had not hit me that Entebbe is the main airport in Uganda, even with the movies made about the hijacking in 1976. I always thought Kampala had another. It’s like JKIA being in Limuru. I am not even kidding you. It takes about 50 minutes to fly to Entebbe. So when you get your stamp and head out through security, you realize how small the place is compared to where you came from and that you are 40km away from your destination. Also, the cars here are slightly older than the ones you see in Nairobi, but it is another Toyota land. A lot of Ubers and Taxifys are Spacios, Ipsums, Raums and whatever other Toyota that is in this family of cars. The driver educated me a lot during that one hour trip in the middle of the night. Apparently Toyota Wish is now taking over the taxi industry and the people who run the country are about to pass a bill reducing the age of cars allowed into the country like us.

Petrol stations. They. Are. So. Many. The whole stretch from Entebbe to Kampala probably has a hundred petrol stations. Or more. Or I am just exaggerating. One person told me it’s because no one travels on full tank here, so they need to have filling stations everywhere when the inevitable happens. There is a good amount of road construction going on to fix the traffic situation this side, but because kids were on holiday, I did not get to see the famed traffic in action.

So we get to Kampala Boulevard, our home for the week and who welcomes us? A napping security guard. No surprise there. I announce our final destination and he offers to walk us up. I almost fall over when he gets up and turns around. A huge AK 47 is hanging from his shoulder across his back. I look at my colleague in disbelief and she gives me the you-ain’t-seen-nothing-yet look – she has travelled to Uganda a lot before. I will have to do further research into how much safer Uganda is with guns as compared to Kenya and our detectors that I have always doubted do much at all those entrances.

The suite is real nice with a great view of this side of the city. The buildings are not as high as Nairobi’s. It’s also not cold. The warmth that I experience the next couple of days just makes me want to stay longer. Even when it showers, the change in temperature is minimal.

Café Javas. My friends. Have you sampled CJ’s on Koinange Street yet? You know, the beautiful new restaurant that’s almost all glass with the most beautiful popping menus I have ever seen and equally good food and service? Well. You ain’t seen nothing yet until you go to one of CJ’s mothers in Kampala, Café Javas. And in case you did not know why it is CJ’s, the two had previously fought the trademark battle in court in Uganda when Java was seeking to register its trademark in the country. Java won and now has branches in Kampala. We already know Uganda is very agriculturally rich, right? I mean, we nearly wept on our way back to the airport looking at tomatoes the size of fists sitting pretty in the sun in various markets along Kampala-Entebbe Road. Meanwhile, we’re buying beat-up tomatoes like gold on this other side of Lake Victoria. Sigh.

Anyway, back to Café Javas. In addition to the huge servings you get, with additions that make you want to ululate in exhilaration like Njugush, it is still cheaper than its equivalent in Kenya. I literally camped here the whole week, despite how packed it could get. Juzi I got a milkshake from Java and I wanted to cry. I felt so cheated. It suddenly felt watery. The shakes at Cafe Javas are heavenly. Did I mention the Pina Coladas! (Without rum, of course.) I guess I will never look at anything food related the same way again after Uganda. LOL. It suddenly makes more sense why the British with all their resources insisted on cutting through thickets, man-eaters, tribes with different temperaments, mountains and rift valleys to get to Uganda, the Pearl of Africa. I cannot even begin to get jealous. Idi Amin really did some serious injustice to the country.

Museveni. My fellow Kenyans, I was mistaken about him. This president is brilliant, very sharp and focused for his age (73) and he does not read speeches. At least he did not read one here. We were at the Africa Blockchain Conference when I changed my mind. Let’s try to forget that our gadgets had to be taken away because he was in the building and focus on this: He was speaking about blockchain and cryptocurrencies from a very informed perspective, referring to handwritten notes he had been making throughout. Before he stood up to speak, the Bank of Uganda governor had read out a very scary speech which had me wondering why we were there in the first place. You know, the usual we will not entertain anything that is about crypto because it is scam. Enter the president. He urged the governor to be more inquisitive about such technologies – not to be dogmatic – and then broke down the blockchain concept in such an easy-to-understand way that I felt challenged. I have been doing everyone who has asked me about bitcoin and blockchain an injustice the past four years. I can now break it down in one simple sentence from the president: The blockchain is like a global organization/sacco in which people trust each other, put everything in public record books so that anyone anywhere can know how many bulls Museveni has in I-don’t-know-where. He spoke a lot of Baganda too, so 5% of the jokes were lost on that.

Allow me to digress a bit. For some strange reason the conference organizers chose to have scams over too, exhibiting and all that. And that is exactly who the Ugandan media chose to interview too. This beats the whole point of trying to educate people about the benefits of new technologies. Dear Ugandans, please stay away from OneLife/OneCoin and any other thing that cheats you out of your money. Seriously. Fight the urge to get easy money. I mean, even a simple Google search tells you what is a scam and what is not very easily. The funny thing is we keep telling people to stay away from these schemes, even in Kenya, but get-rich-quick schemes always have followers. And things always go south. End of digression.

At one point, we went to this French place in a very upmarket part of Kampala. Holy Crepe. From the moment we sat down, in addition to a beautiful view of the residential Kampala, all we saw were people jogging up and down the hill. At 5PM. I found that very strange. At another point, a friend took me to another hotel, Mestil Hotel & Residences. I would expect the prices to be off the roof, and again, I was shocked. A good meal here ranges from USh 28,000 USh to 35,000 UGX. Brethren, this is way under KSh 1000. Sijui nirudi Uganda?

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But on the other hand, that money is confusing. You have so many zeroes in your pocket, but you literally have very little money. It confused me the whole time I was trying to pay for some stuff. I had to keep reaching out to Google to help me convert to Kenya Shillings to see if I was being ripped off. Then every time you get into a taxi (apparently, they also refer to matatus as taxis), the driver will close the windows very fast and rhetorically ask if you want your phone to be snatched. Turns out this is the order of the day in Kampala. Nairobi you are not alone. I also gave up on Uber here and stuck to Taxify. For some reason the latter drivers have it together than their Uber counterparts.

Also, there is no way I am spending my life on bodas. Bodas are so part of the system, there is UberBoda. I had to get on bodas thrice that week. The first time, I felt like I was going to go nuts. I never touch the rider leave alone hold on to him, so I have to find something to grip behind me. And all along way, you see women sitting sideways on these things. I am like, are you kidding me? And helmets are not a thing here either. The second time was riding down to Owino market because everyone in Kenya could not shut up about that place. First of all, it’s not all that but clothing is actually pretty cheap. Everything is under 1000 bob. No one has a mirror or a fitting room when you try on stuff because apparently, they are all doing it wholesale. *Rolls eyes repeatedly* I did not spend too much time here, because we were running a tight schedule, but it reminded me of a lesser organized Eastleigh. And that is saying a lot because Eastleigh is NOT organized. Did I mention the seller dudes who grab your arms and not let go like they are your boyfriends? That annoyed me bigtime. Hata afadhali makanga wa Kenya sasa. Also, people in the market try to speak some Swahili unlike everyone else Kampala. Or probably these are just the same Kenyans we know here.

I might keep going on and on – the little bit of Uganda I experienced felt so different yet so much like home – so let me stop. And I bet I only caught a glimpse – I have not done the city any writing justice. Yet. You can only learn and see so much in a few days.

Road trip to Jinja, anyone? I am ready to see more of Uganda. 🙂

Kampala Goodness Someone keeps saying I should do more travel pieces, but I keep fighting it, in the spirit of keeping things under wraps.