#unrelated to the previous point but I feel like I usually write these as if the moment being captured is somewhere between end of 5/end of

[outeremissary]

How about 3, 14, and 32 for Balthazar and Tristian?

Hello Cassy! Thanks for the ask, and apologies as always for the tardiness.

[prompts from here]

[and to have a posterity note at the top instead of just the tags for once, significant Kingmaker chapter five spoilers throughout]

3. By contrast, what was the moment that first made their ~heart~ Soft for the other person? Not necessarily a conscious realization of “I love this person,” but a moment that had them like “Oh…I adore them…”

(note: I think I may have played it a little loose with this one... apologies!)

There had long been a sense of protectiveness on Tristian's side of things, but it was a sense born out of obligation and guilt: on the one hand the obligation to do his duty to Nyrissa and the need to return to his goddess, and on the other the guilt of treachery that dragged on and on (even if the victim of that treachery wasn't exactly Tristian's favorite person). There was always a twist of terror when Balthazar was in danger or astonished respect seeing him persevere through what should have been the end, but none of that was that soft feeling. The first time for that feeling was probably some time after Balthazar's wings came in, when Tristian, still anxious from the lingering effects of the Bloom and attempts on Balthazar's life, caught Balthazar attempting to slip out of the capital by himself one afternoon and insisted on accompanying him (doggedly ignoring attempts to lose him). Following the reluctant baron to the privacy of the countryside, he learned that Balthazar had been attempting for some time to adjust to the wings on his own. Before that it was clear that the wings had been unwelcome and that on some level Balthazar was fighting it, and it had stirred some amount of envy and resentment in Tristian to see the ungrateful aasimar rejecting what Tristian yearned to have back. But seeing the open vulnerability as Balthazar tried to come to terms with his changed body felt painfully familiar, and as he attempted to offer advice under the flimsy veil of having known another aasimar at his childhood temple (lies, all lies, and for what?) he began to feel a sense of connection with Balthazar. It wasn't the first time he had seen Balthazar vulnerable- there were more than enough of those throughout the Bloom, and awkward moments littered their history before that. But it was the first time that pang of sympathy blossomed into a deeper sense of understanding. As the initial tension eased the afternoon became comfortable, conversation becoming easy and unguarded. It was awkward but genuine. It may have been the first time Tristian saw a soft, warm smile on Balthazar's face- something that would haunt him a long time after.

For Balthazar, the first spark of excitement (long before he could pin down what it might mean) came when he managed to coax Tristian into a dance at the first festival held in the wake of the fall of Trobold. The dance had been meant as a tease- a bet with Octavia and Regongar that he could get Tristian onto the floor, nothing more- but he was caught off guard when his success didn't come in the form of the cleric passively following along. Watching Tristian linger at the edge of the festivities, not joining in on the celebration he had himself insisted on, Balthazar had guessed that Tristian was held back by insecurity. Tristian came off as so naive and sheltered that it stood to reason that a noisy northern festival would be far outside of their depth- as would partaking of the dance with an admirer on their arm. He expected to overwhelm Tristian, to enjoy teasing him and leading him along. Instead, after relenting to the dance Tristian proved a quick learner (or perhaps already knew the dance from somewhere): he matched Balthazar's pace without ever being thrown for long, and the threat of being challenged for the lead began to occur to Balthazar. When they broke apart at the end it was Balthazar who was breathless, caught in the fascination of his partner. The mystery of that moment lingered on his mind- he'd thought he had Tristian solved, but he was wrong. After that he noticed Tristian in a way he never had before- he watched for answers, but along the way began to drink in the details of Tristian he never had before. Maybe that dance wasn't itself so soft, but it opened the floodgate of everything after: a growing affection for the awkward innocence that had frustrated him, an amusement with the stern edge Tristian's voice took on when lecturing (so often with undeserved boldness for his ignorance), the sudden sorrow that would soak into his expression at the most inexplicable times. Becoming bound up in pursuit of that pattern began to wear away at him to the point of distraction.

14. What makes them feel loved? Would they build up the courage to ask for it?

For Tristian, more than anything, simply physical presence. It's comforting to have Balthazar present, to feel supported and less alone. Tristian never built many close friendships before the betrayal- easier to keep just a bit apart from people you'll let down in the end, and to avoid becoming caught in the messy tangle of mortal lives to leave without regret at the end (or at least, as little regret as can be managed with the circumstances). But despite that, Tristian is a lonely person, and there was something about being drawn again and again into time with Balthazar that became something of a comfort. That loneliness intensifies after the betrayal: their relationships with most people they know in the Stolen Lands have been soured by their actions, and leaving Nyrissa behind meant leaving even the illusion that one day they might return to Sarenrae. Simply having Balthazar present brought a sense of normalcy that kept them grounded. And similarly, there's something about physical touch that's grounding. It makes them feel at home in a body that they're still struggling to accept. It reassures that despite all of the misdeeds and the hurt, they're still worth touching, worth being in contact with. When they can feel Balthazar at their side they know without a doubt that they have a place in the world still, no matter how much has changed. Sometimes they might ask for that presence or that touch: it's easy to ask for and easily granted. But the truth is it's rarely necessary to ask for it- these are things Balthazar always wants to give.

For Balthazar, more than anything it's verbal reassurance. It's not enough to be close, to spend time together- he needs to hear that he's wanted. He wants to know that he's a choice, one made freely, that he's not just what Tristian has resigned himself to. Maybe some part of him is afraid because of his long, long history of transactional relationships- it's hard sometimes to internalize the idea of a relationship where no value needs to be proven and offered. And he's afraid that a better offer is out there: it's abundantly clear that Tristian wishes he could return to the life he had as a deva, and doubt seeps in that anything Balthazar has with Tristian is only because Tristian is trapped. So he wants to hear it: that he's wanted, that he's loved, that he's irreplaceable. Tristian is so terribly sincere, despite all the deception. It's reassuring to hear it voiced. But Balthazar himself is only half aware of this need, and he'd never ask for it if he came to understand what it was he wanted. It would feel like begging. It would be pathetic and too vulnerable several times over. He can get to it only halfway- teasing and baiting out affectionate words or gentle chiding, demanding that his partner be vocal in intimate moments- but there's always a hunger for something else, something he can't quite name.

32. How do their friends react to finding out they’re a couple? Do they have lots of mutual friends? Did their friends know, perhaps before they themselves did?

Obviously there's a significant shared social circle, even if not everyone in it could be described as "friends." ^^;; And it was certainly clear to most people in that circle that something was going on before there was any relationship cemented. There was a period where the two of them were suddenly spending much more time together and there was significantly less animosity between them than there had been previously. The shift may have been most noticeable with Balthazar- after all, this coincided rather cleanly with breaking things off with Regongar (accomplished by avoiding Reg until he got the message. Balthazar is an asshole). Regongar and Octavia were the first to put a name to Balthazar's side of things because of that (in not especially kind terms), although they certainly weren't alone. Tristian, on the other hand, was more of a mystery to most: although certainly not a friend, the person who clocked that one best would have been Nyrissa of all people. The pattern of her skylark's distraction wasn't hard to guess at- a frustrating obstacle with an increasingly useless pawn. This also makes Nyrissa possibly the only person who could tell that these feelings were indeed mutual.

The reaction to the news of the relationship could generously be described as lukewarm. Very, very generously. Everything came together very close on the heels of the betrayal and fallout, and between lingering tension regarding Tristian and some scattered concern about Balthazar's judgment in the wake of everything the general mood could be summed up as "wow! I don't know about this one, guys." Eventually the mood cooled into reluctant acceptance- after all, if two of the most drama prone people you know decide to date, who can stop them, really. Distinct award for least supportive goes jointly to Jaethal and Regongar. For Jaethal, becoming emotionally invested in Tristian was the worst mistake Balthazar had yet made- a mistake which boded ill for the future and she counseled him at every possible opportunity to correct. On Regongar's side of things there was lingering (and justified) resentment over being abandoned seemingly for Tristian. The person who could be most generously described as supportive would be Jhod, with the faint hope that maybe the two of them would keep one another in check. A relationship helps with the maturity, after all.

[heart2beom]

Hellooo I’ve said this as an anon before but I absolutely love your writing! Unrelated, but I was wondering if you have any Beomgyu fic recommendations? I read everything I could in the long post containing fic recs on your previous 4beomy account and I loved every single one of them, but now I can’t find anything left so I’m just rereading my faves LOL Thank you! (And also, thank you for writing! Again, your fics make me so happy)

You’re sooo sweet, thank you for complimenting me not once but TWICE 😭😭?? In terms of recs, I honestly have no idea if I’ve read anything much lately so I had to quickly cruise through my likes both on here and my old blog 😭

I present to you the list of beomgyu fics I’ve decently enjoyed (hopefully no repeats from my other list):

-> Message in a Bottle by @delacyrose224

very cute stuff, best friends to lovers...everyone knows at this point, but i'll forever express my love for this basic ass trope (i literally have a full list of books for b2l. the best romance books come from this trope!!!). one thing i loved about this fic is the portrayal of beomgyu-- just a genuinely good guy. the way he was discreet about his jealousy instead of making a whole deal about it, like fuck i love a mature, healthy dynamic, its so freaking cute

-> Night In by @tqmies

a dark fic, but its so good. i especially liked the fantasy element/twist on a common trope. everything about this is well written but the ending will give you some heebie jeebies (cant believe i just used that) its some fucked up shit 😭 um but b2l beomgyu!! (shoot me in the head)

-> A Recipe for Love by @tinietaehyun

who doesnt love a good old b2l beomgyu roommate fluff!?!?! it's soooo freaking cute i swear i never giggled so much 😭 this writer in general is very good with words and imagery, it's incredibly vivid.

-> how could you not know? by @angelbythewindow

have you noticed the pattern? yeah, it's another b2l. i LOVED the use of flashbacks here and the cute usage of the childhood "beanpole" nickname like shut up do you want me to die? the emotions here were OVERPOWERING. i felt everything beomgyu felt, felt everything mc felt, it was just sosososososo well written.

-> Why We (Don't) Work by @cafeseoulmate

haha. definitely not another b2l!!! i never included this on my other blog's rec list (bcs i dont think it was out at the time) but it is my most recent reblog on 4beomy so i'm fairly sure you've seen it. but regardless, for anyone else who's looking for beomgyu fics, please please please READ THIS. i wouldn't say it's a plot sort of story, it builds off of a lot of flashbacks and whatnot, but that's what makes it so great. like you get a feel for their relationship, why both characters just wouldn't work out (hence the title) but then the more you read the more you're like...alright... YOU KNOW?? like fuck, i almost teared up by the end it was such a cute love confession. a must read for all the bamtoris.

-> slam dunk, lover boy by @qqtxt

just absolutely cute stuff. check out everything from this blog, just binge, you're guaranteed fluffy cuteness. nothing really happens between the two here, but its still really cute and ykw i wanted some change here, so this is a sprinkle of e2l beomgyu

-> Stood Up by @imaginidol

okay, it's angst, i'll be straight up. but idk it was an enjoyable read, even though a little sad at the end 😭

-> Moonflower by @sleeping-sirens

really sweet short stuff, i love beomgyu i swear

-> somniferous confessions by @gyu-xiao

i don't usually read bulleted fics (this is the only one i've read actually 😭) but this is worth the read. i genuinely squealed a few times, giggled like tons, it was so adorable i loved it.

-> be my date by @blossom-hwa

honestly a little bit of a blur, i read this ages ago, but it's good because blossom hwa wrote it like trust me.

-> i know i love you by @universecorp

tried really hard to not include smut but this is definitely a little more plot driven than it is smut, it's sweet. a little angsty but i love it. smut at the end is definitely skippale, just concluding it as the fact that they made love is cute enough too 😭

-> check yes, juliet by @fairyofthestar

-> Yours Truly by @boba-beom

so so freaking cute. we're back with the b2ls but who cares, we all know it fits him so well!!!

-> old friend by @hueningshaped

a little bit of a spin on the fake dating trope and i love it. exes pretending to be lovers? hello? i'm so happy the ending wasn't hard hitting 😭

Fics I'm looking forward to read:

-> The Case by @tinietaehyun

not beomgyu centered but idk i love everything this person has written so far so i'm going to tackle this series. give it a read, i'm sure this'll give someone a good mindfuck since it is a detective series 😭

-> Ashen by @writingmochi

i think i might read this tonight actually, but yeah definitely check this one out. i can sniff out a great writer when i see one!!!!

-> Newsflash! by @ijhyo

teaser has me hooked, like everything about the secret identity...yeah, will wait on it.

-> This Love by @delacyrose224

ive always thought a beomgyu and taehyun love triangle would be a recipe for a perfect fic like… it just makes so much sense because theyre so different in personalities and that clash is just a perfect storm for a love triangle. so i will be reading 🙏 plus, it’s decently long! does it get any better?

Hopefully I got you covered for a couple of days anon 😭 I'll go back to reblogging recommended fics again once I get my shit together at uni, too many good writers out here 💔

[bouquetface]

Hey

I would like to participate in your dk game. I always participate in your new game but I never get selected.😭 I hope this time I hear from you. Between I love your astrology observation.💓 So here is the moodboard based on your dk planets.

I hope it resonates with you.

Now to the game, below is my vedic chart.

Thankyou so much for the opportunity. I hope the moodboard resonates with you.

Have a good day💜

hii i’m so sorry to hear you haven’t been selected in previous games. It’s just so difficult to get to everybody.

I sincerely hope you enjoy this reading!!

READING:

Your DK is conjunct Jupiter so it will be different from other Saturn DKs. The spouse will still be a serious, loyal & hardworking person. There is the added traits of Jupiter’s expansion of Saturn & Taurus. This indicates the spouse is career-orientated but their motivation is more materialistic. & to be honest, there is nothing wrong with wanting the finer things in life.

Your spouse will be very devoted. After marriage, there can be a separation. This is due to Ketu in 7th & 7th h ruler in 12th. This sounds bad but it can simply be like the spouse or you must suddenly travel for work or go see a family member due to emergency.

Ketu in 7th indicates marrying someone from a past life. I’m not sure if you believe in past lives but either way I thought I’d mention this just for fun. With Ketu in 7th & Saturn as DK, the spouse will not leave you. They sub consciously wish to resolve their karma from the past with you. They will be devoted to resolving any issues that could occur. If a breakup were to ever occur, it would be because you are choosing to leave. They wouldn’t make it easy to leave.

Your spouse is likely to be attractive & sensual. They can dress well, groom themselves & be hygienic. They are likely very tall. They may have a darker skin complexion for their race. You or them may require glasses or contacts at some point in life.

Usually, saturn DK suggests an older spouse but your sun venus conjunction indicates a younger spouse. This may naturalize itself, and you get a spouse that is close in age.

They are not the type of person who can write you love letters or give big speeches about their love. They will express love to you mainly through gifts & providing stability & security. You can desire a romantic partner. Your spouse will do their best to fulfill this. They may be sentimental too. However, like I said probably not the best at putting their feeling into words.

Career wise, they are likely wealthy. They may do something related to medicine. Cosmetic surgeon, Physio, Nurse. They may have an interest in politics & law too. Whatever their career is they enjoy it - not because they fully love what they’re doing (they might like it but they’re likely indifferent to the actual career) they love their career because of the wealth & power it brings.

After marriage, your spouse or you could befriend authority figures in career. Your social network is full of powerful people after marriage. This is likely due to the spouse introducing you to them. You gain a lot after marriage - social circles, material items, confidence, & likely children.

After the birth of your first born (if you have kids), you will gain even more things. People can begin to recognize your accomplishments - not necessarily related to the kid. People just generally respect & praise you more. This could be the spouse’s family & colleagues. Like the child could make it so you feel officially apart of their family. However, it is possible this praise is coming from your own career or work. It could be entirely unrelated to the child. Either way, you will notice after the first child people treat you much better. This doesn’t mean they were treating you poorly before, they just weren’t recognizing your efforts & work before.

Back to the spouse, they can enjoy having an active lifestyle. They may practice martial arts, boxing, yoga/stretching. They will likely enjoy doing this in peace & quiet. There is a good chance they will want to involve you in their active lifestyle at some point.

After marriage, it is likely the spouse introduces you to new social circles. This can result in your old friendships fading into the back. You will develop a new main group.

Your spouse can be stubborn. They have their own views & opinions. They will educate you on their views, however unlike DK in 9th, they won’t be as arrogant about it. If you disagree, you disagree, they aren’t forcing you to think the same way. They will want to explain their perspective. They will likely NOT be changing theirs.

They are very sensual. A person who enjoyed being comfortable. They like luxury & indulgence. However, they work for it. They are NOT somebody who just says I want this expensive luxury car but never do anything to make that a reality. They are very hardworking.

After marriage, your goals will change. This can be so to the spouse’s influence. Or simply the marriage brings you stability & wealth, so you can go after different goals - possibly creative goals. It is hard to say what the new goals though.

VISUALS:

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Title: Too Like The Lightning

Author: Ada Palmer

Rating: 3/5 stars

Okay, it was more of a slow-burn novel than a slow-burn, though not by any means a shallow novel (there's a lot of really good character development, especially of several female characters, to the point that my initial impression is of a story about people with a lot more depth than the world they live in might give them credit for).

It was enjoyable, but not nearly as much fun as the premise of the book made me think it was going to be. (Ada Palmer writes about magical girls, which are usually a lot more fun than most magical girl stories -- I think one of the main reasons is that she understands both the appeal of a story about something cute/dumb, and the appeal of a good story and its characters. She doesn't have the magic to make the latter a lot more interesting than the former -- in the same way that, say, she doesn't have the "magic" of imagination -- but you can see what she's going for.)

I liked some of the characters. I really did, even though, again, they lack the level of depth Palmer really needs to make her story interesting, and one character in particular really didn't go anywhere interesting by the end. This is a lot less of an issue for her than it is for other writers of this type (including Neil Gaiman), because Palmer's characters always feel like real people.

One of the things that annoyed me most about the book was the ending, and in particular how it felt like it completely threw away some of what made the characters interesting and worth caring about, to just return us to the status quo ante ("sensible people doing sensible things"), and make no changes at all. (This really bugs me for a story whose central character arc is in large part about the protagonist's transformation into a "monster" in the eyes of his father.) There were some interesting character choices and developments in the first half that seemed, for all their interest, as though Palmer were taking for granted that the status quo ante would hold. But she really doesn't seem to realize that and does not seem to intend to address it.

I had to stop reading the book once the last chapter came out, because otherwise I would have kept reading and the book was ending on a cliffhanger. There are too many spoilers and too much characterization/character development/etc. given away to the ending of the story, to do anything but read it as the end and then see if you like the ending. I don't, because it doesn't seem like a satisfying resolution or a fully developed story. And it wouldn't even be a story that feels like it's really being written by someone, because too many of Palmer's characters feel like cardboard cutouts and her characterization of them is pretty thin.

I was really impressed with Palmer's ability to build characters that are simultaneously very interesting and well-written, but this is the first time that's happened since her last novel. I don't know if she can repeat the trick, but I hope she can because this was a much more satisfying novel than most of her previous ones.

(I should say that Ada Palmer is also the "author of the Dresden Files," although in a way that's not quite relevant to the characters in Too Like the Lightning (and the Dresden Files are basically unrelated to the Dresden Dolls, so it's a very small connection). This may explain why she has an unusual ability to develop these characters -- I think it may also explain why she has an unusual ability to develop characters as a whole in other novels -- that the people they interact with in one book may not necessarily have that ability.)

[emily84]

from the Get to know your fic writer! ask list: 2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go? 16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them? 72. What order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else? <3

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

definitely write as i go. i start with a feeling/an idea/an epiphany, then write from there. if i'm lucky it turns into a scene. if i have more than 2-3 scenes, then i start planning ahead and structure the whole thing into chapters.

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

sooo many omg. also, go2 has just come out so, like, half of those are ineffable husbands related atm XD

entertaining the idea of indulging in an old hc i had about thoughtful but a bit misguided gift (a book, a flower) turning into an opportunity for them to get out of their comfort zone and step a little bit further into each other's orbit.

72. what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favourite scenes first? something else?

as i mentioned, i start with random scenes (i'm the prince of one-shots lol) which can be unrelated to each other. i like my characters as canon compliant as possible, so i usually start with missing scenes here and there that could be part of canon if the writers weren't cowards and then let my imagination investigate how i think said characters would behave if they were forced to face [insert fic plot point].

once a structure starts to take place for longer fics, i try to write new scenes chronologically, until i get writer's block (happens a lot lmao) and i simply jump ahead to a new hc, write it out, then go back to the previous scene and try to bridge the scenes together.

even with one shots tho, my main problem is writing endings, especially clever ones, so i often i end up just never posting the fic ;_;

thank you for this btw! <333

[mediawhorefics]

12, 17, 19

12. do you ever have trouble focusing on writing? how do you get around that? 

omg, all the time haha. the first thing i do is try to figure out if it's a writing/inspiration problem or an ~environmental problem. am i lost in the plot/uninspired or do i need to switch rooms or change the playlist yk?

if it's a plot thing, i go back to my outline and ask myself some questions. do i know enough about the scene/about where it's going to write what i want to write rn? if i don't, i work on that. if i do, but it's not working, sometimes i go back further in the document? have i written something in the previous scenes, or earlier in the scene that's just now working and i got lost somewhere along the way? also, i might text my beta if i feel stuck. talking around a plot point that's not working usually works. if it's neither of those things, it might just be i'm not vibing with the scene i've chosen to work on so i'll set it aside for another day and go back to the outline and pick something else. because editing is my favourite thing, sometimes i'll just pick a scene that's already written and just work on polishing that just to get mee in the mood. yk making it pretty and adding details, rewriting it so it can be the best possible version. that's the most fun stuff for me so sometimes i'll cheat and just treat myself to that just to get myself going and put myself in the right headspace yk?

if it's an environment thing.... i'll try different stuff depending on where/when i am lmao. if i'm at home in pjs, i'll put some clothes on, some shoes, do my hair/etc. so i can feel like i'm in Work Mode rather than lounging mode. if i'm just struggling to focus i might change the playlist to something instrumental so i don't get distracted. or if the music isn't working at all sometimes i'll put a podcast on or a tv show in the background to fake like i'm somewhere busy and i can get lost in that. sometimes i'll change what i'm using to write. get out a pen and pad and just scribble some ideas until i've started writing the scene without realising. or if i'm stressed about making it perfect on the first go, i might grab my phone and open a note and just write on that instead of the official document so i can feel less pressure/like it's less of a serious thing. i'll have a shower or go on a walk, or do 30 min on the treadmill, just to empty my mind which usually works in finding ideas/inspiration. i might write in the bath lmao. i'll make myself a nice drink or a nice snack. sometimes i'll do writing sprints! no pressure, no word count goals, just write whatever for 15 min. i usually get lost in it and emerge an hour later with 2k. ideally if i can, i like leaving the house to write. that's my biggest trick. just go to a coffee shop or the library or something like i'm going to work and focus all day. it also helps for me to set some goals for myself. either word count goals or # of scenes written goals. just so i can track my progress and keep myself in check.

etc etc etc.

honestly, i have to trick my brain into being motivated all the time lol.

unrelated, i might have undiagnosed adhd.

17. what is your favorite line you’ve ever written?

i'm very fond of 'darling dearest, i'm fighting for your kind of quiet.'

i also really love this prayer i wrote for dean in my spn fix it: Dear Cas who art in my bathtub, give me the strength to be honest about how I feel. For your sake and for mine. Forgive me all the times I wasn’t in the past, all the words I should have said but didn’t. And please stay. Please stay with me when all is said and done. Amen. 

or: 'Fated, in some ways. Not by God’s will, but against it.' from the same fic.

and i quite like this bit from my upcoming fic:

'Eduardo nods back and a dozen emotions flicker on his face quickly, too quickly for Mark to hold on to them and he wishes he could, wishes he could dig his fingers deep into them and finally understand every single corner of Eduardo’s soul.'

19. what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most?

ooof that's SUCH a tough question??? i feel like it's really hard to spot the influence in our own writing? i know that my first language being french has definitely influenced the way i write in english. idk about specific writers though... but i can definitely name people who have inspired me and people i'd love to be as good as someday lmao.

leonard cohen & anne carson & ocean vuong & mary oliver for the poetry and depth of feeling of their writing. natasha pulley for the atmospheric feeling of her writing and her ability to write gut-wrenching romances with so little actually explicitly happening on the page. people like casey mcquiston & emily henry for how simple but evocative and genuinely funny their writing is. madeline miller for her powerful foreshadowing abilities and her gorgeous prose. freya marske whom i've only discovered recently but whose metaphors and imagery have been absolutely delightful to me. they're clever and fun yet relatively simple. i'm reading a restless truth right now and i find myself so frequently thinking: oh ! what a smart & beautiful way of saying that!!! donna tartt because she's a fucking genius and everything i want to be in life. tolkien for his incredible world-building abilities and the humanity in his writing. vincent van gogh for the poetry, the relatability, the feels.....

idk idk !!!! there are so many more !!! but for now .... haha.

[neonovember]

Checkmate

husband!steve rogers x wife!reader

summary: growing increasingly aware of an unrelenting desire to be bent over and railed, you ask your husband to change course in your usual vanilla sex life. Be careful what you wish for, you’ve got a genie as a husband and he likes to do more than just get the job done

warning: smut, hints of breeding kink, steve’s foul mouth, degradation, dumbification, overstimulation, scheming, steve rogers inhumane stamina, unrealistic bs we love to indulge in, fluff and aftercare towards the end. (pls tell me if I’ve missed anything !) 

notes: first time writing smut, please be kind to me ! I really indulged in this one, and even though it’s not that long, you get an imagine of how good the reader really gets it. Steve is cocky and hot, and you aren’t as stupid as you look. May or may not have a part two ;)

It wasn’t that Steve wasn’t good in bed, he was amazing. An attentive lover consumed with pleasuring you, pulling orgasm after orgasm in the early dew morning after he’d come from a mission, heated hands and thick muscles sweetly sticky with his sweat.

He was far and apart from your previous boyfriends, in fact, there were parts of you, you didn't even know could be reached, stars you didn’t even know you could see, and an intimacy that you only craved more of, before bedding with the super soldier.

But there was always a lingering thought at the back of your mind, an itch that couldn’t be satisfied with Steve’s slow, sensual, deep lovemaking. It craved hard, rough, angry, heated. It carved its way into your skin, branding you with a need that would erupt goosebumps at the thought of. It could only be satiated by his rough calloused hands and your face pushed into the covers, or his arms holding you to him as he unforgivingly pushed into you, your back arching off his lap before being slammed down again, his grip tightening so that you feel him, all of him, and nothing more.

One lazy Thursday afternoon, when he was off a mission and lounging in nothing but sweats hanging loosely on his hips, the summer heat beating down into your shared home, it’s syrupy rays flitting into the large pan windows of your living room, you thought it was time.

You had been psyching yourself up to this point, always backing out last minute, scared for his answer, embarrassment for your craving. This time however, you felt it was the right moment, you had enough time to plan everything, precisely choosing a day where he’d be lounging around, mind fuzzy and blissed out by the summer heat, eyes heavy, lips reddened, head open.

He’d taken the following 3 days off, emphasizing his need to spend more time with you, live the domestic life a little, be your husband, declaring one evening at dinner, you smiled down at your plate as the beginnings of your plan was hatched, and he’d stayed true to his word. Always.

That was how you found yourself sprawled on Steve’s thick thighs, his huge body stretched beneath you as you cling onto his sweaty shoulders, pressing crescents into his skin as you held on for dear life.

You felt separated from your own being, boneless and astral projecting as the band broke and you felt the saccharine flowing through your veins. Your high seems to go on unrelentingly, Steve's frantic thrusts unfaltering even whilst you came undone, his eyes were blown out as he watched your face contort in pleasure, his pleasure. There was something animalistic in the way he watched you, a predator stalking his prey.

Steve gripped your waist harshly, his fingers burning into your skin as he made you take everything he had to give, keeping you so full for him you felt nothing but him, everywhere. His fingers detached from your neck and he slid it down your torso, before pushing into your conjoined bodies, hands shoving it’s way into your mound, finding the bundle of nerves automatically, pressing slow circles on your clit, alternating between rapid and cruelly slow.

This soft, sensual feeling radiating off of his nimble fingers was a stark contrast to the way he drove into you over and over. The dichotomy pushing you over the edge into oblivion, sweet sugar washing over you again as your orgasm ripped through, your back arching, mouth agape as you tried to scream, still words and half letters leaving your mouth as all you could do is feel. Feel everything, his fingers running slow circles on your clit, easing your over sensitive shaking pussy, every inch of his cock stretching through your velvet walls, hitting that spot in you that had you leaping up from him, before being roughly dragged back down;

“No, no sugar, none of that, I want you to feel me, all of me” He said huskily, leaning forwards to whisper into your ear, making sure you felt every breath and heard every word of his command.

Tears filled your eyes as you were made to take everything he gave you, his cock slipping in and out of your folds so deep and fast you could feel every ridge and vein. You wailed out as you gripped him tighter, eyes blurred with salted tears from his pace. You felt him lean forward moaning at the feel of your walls gripping him oh so tight.

“Shit baby, if only you could see yourself now, fucking beautiful” He groaned looking down at your heat sucking in his cock, the wet erotic sounds causing you to roll your eyes into your head, fuzzy and warm, too much.

His hands pressed towards your stomach, feeling the slight bulge that appeared whenever he rutted in. His eyes grew impossibly darker as he watched, primal and animalistic as he grinned out, cerulean orbs morphing into black.

“You feel that baby?,” He brought your hand to rest on your stomach,

“I’m right there, all the way in there, and your going to take it, over and over, day after day, I’m going to fill this sweet pussy so good you’ll be dripping for days” He said it like command, he meant it like a promise.

Biting your lip you smiled as you felt the beginning of an orgasm ripple through you, and before you could imagine the next few days of this pure syrupy pleasure, you were pulled down and turned onto your back, Steve maneuvering before shoving his dripping cock back into your pussy.

More tears sprang forth and he pulled your legs over his shoulders, opening you up to him even more, the angle allowing him to press into your pussy until his hard stomach was touching yours. He dipped down, licking at the salted tears on your cheeks, pulling your lips to his, biting down on them, shoving his devilish tongue into your mouth so you could taste the salt of your pleasure.

“Oh baby, look at you, cock drunk and crying, you’re just a dumb little baby huh?” He grunted as he let go of your lips.

You mumble out incoherently, eyes dropping down as you take the onslaught of his thrusts, hands gripping the sheets in bunches to tether you to the world. Afraid of letting go and drifting off into nothingness, endorphic pleasure rippling through your existence.

“What?, can’t speak? cmon baby, don’t be shy now, I want you to look at me, I want you to see what I’m doing to this pretty little pussy” He growled.

He slapped your face, your eyes opening widely, a loud moan leaving your lips, pussy gripping harder, tighter.

Steve groaned above you, tightening his grip on you.

“You like that huh?, who knew you were this dirty, this slutty. Greedy little whore, taking and taking it”

“Well it’s yours baby, take it, take all of it,” He made a point of pushing deeper at that, before resuming his previous pace, “but remember, and I want you to listen to me because I don’t like repeating myself”

You looked up at him, mouth agape, body boneless.

“This pussy, this sweet pussy griping me like a fucking vice is mine. All mine.” He growled, voice darkened and husky with possession and lust. His eyes strained as he looked at you, glazed out and black, his pupils dilated at the image of you shattering before him. God he loves it.

“Say it” He said, a growl emitting from the depths of his chest, cock throbbing even deeper as he waited for your submission.

You mumble out a jumble sentence of incoherent words, blubbering as tears itch the sides of your face, Steve cowers of your chest, hardened nipples pressed into his mass of muscle.

He slides his hand towards your folds, and before you can realize what’s happening, you feel the white hot pleasure of pain aching from your pussy, the sounds of Steve’s uprupt assault leering pornographic.

He doesn’t pause for a moment before slapping your pussy repeatedly, the squelching sound surrounding you as your slick coated his hand,

“What did I say about repeating myself?” He said. There was authoratation laced under his mocking tone, and it had you barking out the answer before your brain could comprehend.

“Yours” You croaked out eyes rolling back.

“Louder” He repeated the same onslaught against your pussy, the throbbing pain pushing you closer to your crest.

“It’s yours Steve! All yours!” You screamed out, before he hummed in satisfaction, fingers pressing into your folds, as his dick disappears and reappears, adding a digit to the already stuffed hole.

“Cmon baby, you can take it, give me another one, just one more” He whispered, sensing your dazed, blissed out expression as you fell into an overstimulated high.

All you could manage is a croaked hum, throat sore, body writhe and limp as you feel the endless sensations of pleasure Steve unleashes on you.

The sensation of his fingers pressing into your bundle of nerves, and his index in your hole along with his cock rolling deep against your slicked walls, has you preening. Your back brakes, hips moving on their own accord as they raise up, the strain of your back ignored as you chase the orgasm rippling through you.

Steve loudly moans above you, relishing in the tight grip of your walls and he pushes through chasing his own imminent climax, he’s fingers grip your hips and he pushes you into him, his thrust growing sloppy and rushed as he comes so so close. The bed creaks loudly at his thrusts, the bedside clock falling off and onto the carpet as it gives in to Steve’s pounding pace. You're glad Steve built this bed himself during one his wooden workmanship days, you were sure that a store bought one would’ve broken by your second orgasm.

He pushed his fingers into your mouth so that you could taste yourself on his digits, moaning around his fingers you look up at him in a blissed out expression, body pliant in his arms and under him as you feel the electric volts shooting through you as Steve begins rutting into you eagerly.

He watches your half mast eyes, mumbling “yours, yours yours”, and he breaks. Groaning loudly his pressed himself onto your stomach, his sculpted abs kneading into your soft belly.

“Just like that baby, fuck, I’m going to fill this pussy until you’re leaking for days, and you will take it, every single time , until your nice and round, barefoot and pregnant every. single. time” Steve groans into you, eyes rolled to the back of his head, his golden hair now a mess atop his head, strands blown over his face and ruined by your gripping fingers.

He holds onto your legs on his shoulders, keeping you wrapped around him to take all of his seed, slowed thrusts as he empties out. Your pussy greedily milks him, sucking him in as he shoots ropes of milky decadent cum into you, painting your walls with him. He remains like that for a few moments, your thighs on his shoulders, his body pressed into you.

“You did so good for me, so, so good” He mumbles, brain still scrambled, pressing soft kisses to your thighs, hips, stomach, breasts, everywhere. His dark demeanor a few moments ago all but dissipated as he returns back to his usual sensual, soft and caring touch.

His eyes are crinkled as he holds you to him, turning you on your side whilst still inside you. You croak out in discomfort, your pussy sore and swollen, the feel of a bruise forming, if even possible.

“I know baby, I know” He coos stroking back your coils and curls, wet with tears and sweat. Your overstimulated frame falls onto him, sprawled across his large chest, your breasts pressed to him, nipples pebbled. Your body shakes slightly as the aftershocks of your two, three, four orgasms spread through you. Your nerves endings jittering with electricity, your back sore from its curled position, your toes wiggling.

He pressed soft kisses to your eyelids and you close them heavily, wiping away your tears he slowly gets up, gripping you to his chest as you wrap your legs around him.

Taking small calculated steps and to not further stimulate you, he presses the automation that sequences the bath to fill with water. The swishing of water splatting down on porcelain encompasses your ears as your body tunes out the rest of the noise surrounding. Steve rubs small circles on your back, soothing the sore muscles.

After a few minutes, he slowly places you in the warm milked bath, before quickly joining you behind. The first few moments of his cock leaving your taut pussy keeps you wincing, the feel of your sore clit and hole without the warmth of his cock turning tenfold. Steve lean body acts as your rest as you lean across his chest, the warm water soothing your still jittering frame.

He begins cleaning you, wiping a clean cloth over your mound that has you wincing, before he presses kisses to your shoulder. He uses a different cloth, one meant for suds and begins scrubbing and cleaning your body, the heavenly scent of cocoa butter and coconut from the soap calming your senses.

Steve is slow and deliberate, he knows he’s absolutely tired you out and left your body boneless and pliant, he couldn’t help himself, you’re just so good. Steve makes a measure of cleaning you up and cuddling with you after sex always, but now, after railing you into the mattress and contorting your body to unruly lengths, he feels the need to double down.

Covering your body with soapy suds, massaging your neck and back, before washing it away with the detachable shower head. He then reaches for your conditioner, all but familiar with your hair routine that he knows it blindfolded and deaf. Massaging the conditioner into your hair he slowly begins detangling your curls, brushing softly to ease any knots and avoid any pain.

Leaning back you moan in pleasure at his nimble fingers rub soft circles on your scalp. You loved when Steve did your hair.

At first it wasn’t easy, and you were ready to give up, but Steve made a point to you that he wanted to know, needed, it was his duty. So you spent almost a month teaching him how to detangle, deep condition, shampoo and braid your hair.

It took a while, but by the end of it, Steve was good with his hands in more ways than one.

Finishing the last braid, Steve quickly wraps your hair, before his softened fingers slide down your front towards your pussy.

“No!, no more, your not allowed anywhere near it” You groan, the frazzled overstimulation from before may have eased, but your pussy was still fucking sore and you weren’t about to have to take a trip to the ER.

“Sh, sh, baby, I promise it’ll make it better” He chuckles into your ear, clearly amused by the fired glare you throw at him.

He’s fingers softly rub against your lips, massaging and rubbing, strategic and careful. He didn’t near your clit, solely focusing on your puffed skin. You sighed out in relief, half grateful for the relief and half mesmerised by his skilled fingers. You had to ask him about it next time.

You leaned your head against his neck, letting out small even breaths as you relished in the pleasure that was relief

You sit like this for a while, your head on his shoulder and his fingers between your legs. Waiting until the skin on your fingers wrinkle and the water gets cold, you both are reluctant to leave the sanctuary of your bath.

After a few minutes Steve retracted his hands from your pussy gripping your waist as he helps you up, wrapping your body in a towel whilst he wraps one around his waist.

He turns you around, your soft face in his hands, he looks down at you, eyes glazed and lips turned.

“Do you have any more suggestions princess?” He smirks, before moving down to kiss you deeply, fully, sensually, on the lips. The frantic, needy kisses from before that were all teeth and tongue replaced instead, with the soft reddened lips of Steve Grant Rogers.

Smiling in the kiss your mind drifts to the well pressed plan in your head, step one already complete. Checkmate.

[tarysande]

Oh no, I've been thinking.

Okay, I can't stop thinking about something ending-related. I don't know this for certain, but based on previous statements and such, it feels like the writers were always aiming for a bittersweet ending. Like, no matter what else happened or how the story evolved, come hell (lol) or high water, that ending couldn't just be happy. For reasons. I guess.

Now, I don't mind a bittersweet ending ... if it makes sense for the ending to be bittersweet.

I critique stories for a living. I'm literally taking a break from the developmental edit of someone's novel to write this post. And the persistent thought that bugs me about the Rory setup is that it is so artificial. Time travel is a pain in the narrative ass. Time travel suddenly introduced in the sixth season of a show that has never touched on time travel? As an editor, I probably would've pointed out that time travel for the purpose of angst, especially time travel without rules that make sense ("I don't know anything about time travel! Except I do know you have to take the most painful path!"), seemingly introduced as a final ploy to make that bittersweet ending work ... well, to me, it breaks the narrative contract they established with the audience. Your audience is going to be confused. An editor's job is to alert the writer to any potential confusion so it can be fixed before the story goes to print, etc. Confused audiences get mad, annoyed, frustrated. They feel hurt. They put down the book and don't pick it up again. Usually, writers don't want that. But they're so close to their work that they need a completely outside perspective to say, "Hey, I'm not sure you realize this, but..."

I mean, I keep referring to Rory as "deus ex daughter" because in literary terms, she is a blatant deus ex machina. Rory is the god in the machine of the Bittersweet Ending.

Now, I loved a lot of S6. I did. My overall feeling about the season is not negative. But ... I can't stop thinking about why the things I didn't like REALLY didn't work for me.

I loved the emotional growth we saw in Lucifer and Chloe facilitated by the question of parenting and parental love. I did. And I would have loved to see a lot of those notes hit not with an angel kid out of nowhere ... but with the daughter already in the picture. Especially because it would have circumvented the icky idea that a child has to be one's flesh and blood to induce such feelings. I also understand that coronavirus and Scarlett's age and schedule made this difficult. But I just can't swallow that the only way to wrap up the story of this show--a show about found family, non-traditional family, friendship, connection, FREE WILL, love in all its many shapes and forms and colors ... was to introduce a brand new character via a device (time travel) that fails to make sense almost every time it's used, no matter the medium. (And then had only that brand new character be there when her mother died. Don't even get me started. Ugh.)

If time travel was always going to be on the table, couldn't we have found a more plausible way to use it with the characters we already knew, loved, and had spent four or five seasons with? A time-travelling older Trixie, say? If you're going to use the impossible device, just ... twist it another way to make it work.

Okay. Okay. So, leaving Trixie aside for now just like the show did, let's say we leave everything about the season the same, even Rory. Do you know what ending makes more narrative sense?

Future Rory sacrificing herself by NOT forcing Lucifer to make a cruel and impossible "choice" so the baby that might have been her grows up with a family that loves her. Chloe's already pregnant. That's not going to be undone. And this nonsense of a "closed time loop" falls apart if you side-eye it for even a few seconds. The Rory who came from the future never exists except in the memories of those she met when she came back from that future. Chloe and Lucifer lose that daughter even as they gain the new one whose existence is not a tool of unrelenting fate because wow this show has always been about free will what the heck happened there yikes. And a choice made under the duress Chloe and Lucifer were under, forced out of them, and forcing them to "choose" a life apart for *handwave* Reasons has nothing to do with free will. A "choice" made at gunpoint is not a real choice. Future Rory basically bullied them into ensuring she got to exist--something, quite frankly, neither her parents would have done.

Instead, how much more appropriately bittersweet is it if Chloe and Lucifer lose that child while gaining one who, because of that angry time-travelling version, will never suffer as she did.

Also as an editor: the groundwork for my version is already laid, by the way. It should have been Rory learning about the importance of free will over fate. The importance of personal sacrifice. The importance of not thinking your young self knows best ... because experience and therapy will help rid you of that self-centered world view. That's the contract the writers made with us with this show. And Chloe and Lucifer have already BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT. (See: the end of S4.)

Furthermore, this season finally HAD Chloe and Lucifer DEAL WITH the only thing that actually would have contributed to a narrative, characterization-based reason for Lucifer to disappear: His history of running and his putting Chloe on a pedestal. Once they really talked that out, his "disappearance" became a Rory-induced trauma of inexplicable fate that flies in the face of all the progress Lucifer made over six seasons. (I would rather have had more of that and less of mysterious disappearing oh no plot.)

And I'm sorry, the "Once you get to Hell you're going to work 24/7" excuse given for why Lucifer won't be around and why he can't make time for Chloe until she's DEAD(????!???) is ... it's lame. If AMENADIEL AS GOD can make time for his kid's birthday party, I refuse to believe Lucifer can't work out some Hell/Earth-work/life balance. Never mind that in the show about partnerships, the Bittersweet Ending just ... destroyed it. Chloe was planning on being God's consultant; she could have helped Lucifer solve Hell's Trauma Mysteries (it's what she did with Jimmy, setting up that yeah, Lucifer could do it alone like he accidentally did with Lee, but doing it with HIS TRUTHSEEKING PARTNER would be more effective). Just as Lucifer could have continued helping HER solve some of the problems within "that corrupt little organization" of hers.

tl;dr: I think the writers fixated so completely on their version of Bittersweet that they missed all the foreshadowing, groundwork, and clues that were right there, already built into the story, poised for a different kind of ending than the one they once imagined. That's why so many parts of it feel almost-but-not-quite right and why these aspects are so off-putting. That's why it's just not ... organic. It's something squeezed into a box it grew out of ages ago.

Ironically, certain elements of this season involved the writers insisting on the FATE they decided long ago instead of letting the story and the characters have the FREE WILL to choose a different, more fitting, more organic ending--one that had long-since evolved past that original flavor of Bittersweet.

[shurisneakers]

harmless (iv)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, guns, mention of war, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader

Word count: 1.5k

A/N: good evening i’ve never been to any of the places i mention in this series so dont come @ me

if you have any ideas for future inventions/evil plans, lemme know! i might actually end up using them 

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

He spends the weekend doing nothing. It’s supposed to be relaxing. He finds it nauseatingly boring.

“No mini mission this week?” Steve asks him from across the couch. 

They’re supposed to be catching up on Star Wars but two prequels in and Bucky could feel himself lose his sanity. Anyone could present him with a random assortment of alphabets, call it a Star Wars species and he would have no reason not to believe them.

It’s not like he doesn’t like space. It’s just that he’s had enough of it and everything and everyone who came from it for the foreseeable future.

“No. Someone else is taking care of it.”

“Didn’t you volunteer for this?”

“I pulled myself out of the case.”

“I thought you were having fun.” 

Bucky’s head slowly turns to look at him. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Steve shrugged. “Looked like you were.”

Well, he wasn’t. He likes it here at home, glued to the TV. Popcorn beside him, sweatpants on. Refreshing, calming, slow, mundane, and Jesus Christ, so fucking boring-

His spiralling is interrupted by the dinging of the elevator to the common floor. No one was allowed up there unless it was extremely urgent. Guests were barely allowed into the Tower as it was. 

It reveals the receptionist from downstairs, Marie. She’s always a little reserved, a little shy. But Bucky had seen her chew and spit out trespassers or anyone who dared to get on her nerve. He adores her.

“Hey, Marie,” Steve says while Bucky sends her a friendly wave in greeting. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a hostage situation downtown,” she informs them. 

“Okay...” Steve drawls, waiting for a reason why this was an Avengers level threat.

“They’ve asked for Mr. Barnes by name.” She makes a mention towards him.

Bucky sits up straight. Bits of popcorn fall off his chest. 

“What?”

“They said, and I quote-” she looks down at her notepad. “‘Tell that grumpy motherfucker that I’m waiting for him and that he’s not getting out of this so easily because we have come too far.’ End quote. They’ve also told me to include a kissing emoji. And a skull.”

Steve and he look at each other.

“Well?” Steve prods. 

Bucky sighs and gets up to go get ready.

The entrance of Chuck E. Cheese is more crowded than he’d ever seen. He wasn’t even sure he’d seen people in the store before. If there were, they probably only came up till his waist. 

There are a few journalists, a few policemen standing together outside. Whispers of confusion and curiosity reigned free. 

Bucky gently pushes his way to the front. He gets a nod from a police officer who opens the door for him after a quick briefing. 

The place is darker than it usually would be. A trademark, it seemed. The blinds are drawn shut and most of the light is coming through whatever sneaks in through the crack. 

“Hey, Barnes.” Your voice is muffled by a mask that looks suspiciously like it was made out of classroom craft supplies.

There’s a person in a loose chokehold in your hand with a gun pressed against his head. Once again it looks straight out of a cartoon, purple with round disks lining its barrel. 

“What’s all this now?” He gestures around monotonously. 

“A hostage situation. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“Got that part down, genius,” he bites back. “But why?”

“Fucker kept harassing me when I was walkin’ down the street.” 

The guy’s helpless gaze met Bucky. 

“Catcalling me, stalking me.” You tighten the grip you have on him. “Call me darlin’ one more time, you son of a bitch. I dare you.”

He wasn’t impressed with his pleading eyes. He kinda felt like he deserved it. 

“Why’d you do it here?” The bright colours were starting to give him a heading. “And where are the staff?”

“It’s symbolic, Bucky,” you emphasise, “He deserves to be among other rat bastards.”

Of course.

“The staff?” he asks again. 

“Gave them thirty bucks and told them to leave. I’m not a monster.”

“Right.” He doesn’t bother refuting you. “Why’d you call me here?”

“Dunno.” You shrug. “Thought it’d be fun. You having fun yet?”

You shake the guy you’re holding. He gives a small whimper. 

Bucky doesn’t want to stop you. He had chugged enough Respect Juice in his lifetime to know that this guy probably deserved a threat or two.

Hell, he’d even help but you were more than capable of handling this on your own.

“Listen,” he sighed. “As much as I’m sure he deserves it, this is technically illegal and I’m required to stop you.”

“Sorry sarge, I thought you weren’t interested in playing this stupid game with me,” you mock, voice dropping to imitate him.

“I’m not.” It wasn’t entirely true. One Saturday with Jar Jar Binks had convinced him otherwise.

“Okay, so before you leave, do me a favour and call Hawkeye. I hear he looks mighty fine when he’s annoyed.”

His face involuntarily scrunched up. You were going to replace him with Clint? Clint?

He probably took it more as an insult than he should have.

“I’m not doing that.” Bless his foul mouthed friend, but he was a little shit who was too sarcastic for his own good. At least twice a week he’d say something stupid to Bucky and then take out his hearing aids when he tried to argue back. 

“You’re leavin’ me with no options here,” you groaned, using your thumb to flip a switch. The gun looks like it powered up, lights along the side turning red.

If he let you have this, it’d be a bad look for the Avengers.

New York man dies in Chuck E. Cheese lone hostage situation, unable to be saved by same superhero who tried to fight Thanos with a machine gun.

“Tell ya what,” he says instead, “If you kill him, there won’t even be a slight chance that you’ll see me again.”

Your grip on the gun falters.

“If I let him go...”

“I might consider coming back next week.” He’s trying to spin it, make it look like he’s the one with the upper hand here. “But you gotta let him go.”

You search his face for any signs of dishonesty.

“Let him go or you’ll never see me again.” It sounds too much like Clint’s arguments with his dog who brought a live squirrel into the house. 

“Fine,” you relent, a glint in your eye. “but say goodbye to this fuckface.”

Before Bucky can open his mouth to shout in protest, you pull the trigger. The man clenches his eyes shut, face red.

He expects blood to be splatter across his face.

Nothing happens.

A barrage of bubbles floats into the room.

“I meant it literally,” you say, pushing him off you. “Say goodbye. He’s leaving.”

The man stumbles to the ground and Bucky doesn’t make any attempt to catch him. He scrambles to his knees, picking himself up and scurrying out the door to a hoard of reporters.

The door shuts behind him with the chime of a bell.

“You’re annoying,” Bucky states, giving a small sigh.

“I’m well aware of that.” You pull off the mask, wiping the sweat off your brow.

“Where is the agent assigned to your case?” 

“Dunno. Last I saw he was crying on the driveway of my lair. I just figured he’d pick himself up later so I left him there.”

Bucky’s nose twitches. 

“You weren’t actually going to kill him, were you.” He shrugs with his shoulder towards the door. It wasn’t a question, more a statement. He knew you wouldn’t. 

“I could have.”

“But you weren’t going to,” he repeats. 

“No,” you admit. “I wasn’t. But I’m glad to see you showed up.”

“You held someone hostage as leverage.”

“No, no. I held someone hostage and then asked to see you. They were completely unrelated.”

“You’re evil.”

“You jumped to conclusions,” you point out. “Would you like a trampoline next time? Maybe a pogo stick, you clown?”

He has a very real gun in his holster. His very real metal death arm aches to use it. 

“No one else agreed to come,” he deflects. 

“We both know that’s a lie. You were going to come back anyway.” You stuff the bubble gun back into the bag. “I’m deliciously irresistible.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.” You give him a smirk and he rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry, you win this round, sarge.”

He doesn’t say anything. He watches you remove your heist gear, revealing normal civilian clothes underneath.

You walk casually to the kitchen, intending to leave through the back door.

“But I can’t say I lost either.” You send him a wink before swiftly pushing open the door and leaving him behind.

He only watches you leave.

It doesn’t hit him until a few seconds later that he let a criminal out of his hands when there were several policemen and journalists outside.

He entertains the idea of chasing you down and handing you over. 

It takes him only a few seconds to decide that if they wanted you, they’d have to try themselves.

Next part 

[dkniade]

This style of writing is the epistolary format! Traditionally it refers to a story told through letters but it’s also extended to other documents like journal entries and newsletter clippings. Hidden Strife is also epistolary with most of its story told through letter exchanges, which I liked.

I wrote it as though we’re reading Albedo’s observation notes on Kaeya in a notebook or journal, and then Kaeya’s letter at the end is implied to be written in Albedo’s journal itself since Kaeya got hold of the journal and read all the previous entries about him. He references the previous entries in his letter, as I’ve pointed out.

I wouldn’t call the letter a fourth wall break since Kaeya is addressing Albedo (the fictional character) in first person point-of-view, not the audience (us-the-reader). He’s aware that Albedo as his in-universe audience would be reading his letter, but he’s not aware that he’s a fictional character in a story being read by the us.

It may seem like a fourth wall break because of the sudden perspective change when Kaeya’s letter shows up in first-person, but it’s simply that Albedo writes in such a logical and formal way for entries one to three that he rarely switches to first person. Albedo’s perspective switch is a little like how the Collected Miscellany videos are (usually) narrated by Dainsleif in third-person talking about the play-style of the character but then Dainsleif switches to first near the end of the videos to give his opinion on the character. Though, unlike Albedo or Kaeya here, Dainsleif in narrating the gameplay breaks the fourth wall since he acknowledges Genshin Impact as a video game. (Although, you don’t realize he’s also a character in the diegesis until his personal comment at the very, so I suppose it’s a little different from how Albedo switches to first pretty early on.)

If I hadn’t listed Kaeya and Albedo’s names at the beginning, I wonder how long would it take for someone to figure out which character is writing, before their name is explicitly stated in the entries and letter?🤔

On a slightly unrelated note, I’ve realized it’s a little easier to write descriptions if I imagine it from the character’s perspective, since my physical descriptions—so, not the thoughts or feelings of the character—in the third person point-of-view often feels dry to me. Albedo is analytical, so I figured writing from his perspective would make it easier to write in third person while still sparkling in his personality. If I were to write things in first person from Kaeya’s perspective, it might be harder for me. How does Kaeya see the world? Is it his internal monologue or is he writing it somewhere where he’s aware that someone might read it? That plays a huge factor in how Kaeya presents himself, I believe.

From One Star to Another

Characters: Albedo and Kaeya (mentions Diluc, Jean, and Lisa)

Genre: neutral, maybe slight hurt/comfort near the end?

Warnings: brief mentions of alcohol, drinking, explosives, and death

Note: Albedo and Kaeya’s relationship here is up to interpretation. Both platonic and romantic/ship are okay.

Comment: Happy birthday, Kaeya. Many people care for you, you know. I wrote this before I read his birthday mail, so I made some references to previous years’ mails and illustrations instead. It was also an exercise on writing descriptions and playing with an epistolary format, which was fun. It's also vaguely inspired by the KaeBedo fic “Cascading (In a good way)” by Hubbleablubble on AO3.

Captain Kaeya

Rank: Cavalry Captain

Position: [Insufficient Information]

Entry 1: Reconnaissance — Reputation 

Captain Kaeya is not often found in his office at the Knights of Favonius Headquarters. One has to wonder why the Acting Grandmaster holds him in high esteem. But knowing that it was no doubt Grandmaster Varka who screened him, there may be more to this man than he lets on. The differences between Grandmaster Varka’s and Acting Grandmaster Jean’s methodology is not a major factor in how Captain Kaeya contributes to the Knights of Favonius.

I shall observe him more in detail during the next Knights of Favonius captain meetings.

Entry 2: Reconnaissance — Appearance

At a glance, Captain Kaeya’s outfit is extremely extravagant, rivalling the likes of Captain Eula’s, making his silhouette stand out against the rest of the captains. He carries himself in a way more lax than what one might expect from a knight, but the state of locations where he’s sighted suggest more combative activities. Occasionally, the streets of Mondstadt would have trails of Cryo elemental particles and scratch marks typical of knives used by treasure hoarders.

The asymmetry present in his outfit is also a curious one. The feather boa no doubt hinders the peripheral vision in his right eye, yet instead of styling his hair to ease him of this problem, he covers his eye by means of an eyepatch. This excessive attempt to divert attention from his right eye only attracts attention to it further. No doubt a deliberate attempt to hide something… for whatever the reason. 

His left eye, however, has the star shape present in the rest of his outfit, just as—

Oh.

Oh dear archons.

Entry 3: Combat — Nature in Combative Methodology 

Despite Captain Kaeya’s seemingly flamboyant appearance, his true nature can be glimpsed in the extensive data gathered in his reports.

Notably, he does not share explicit detail in his methodology, but the hints of alcohol and frost on his being as well as elemental particles typically found in explosives used by treasure hoarders suggest an… unorthodox method in obtaining information.

Despite his official position as Cavalry Captain, a better description of his position in the Knights would be… intelligence.

It would be helpful to observe him up-close due to his reluctance to disclose personal information, though I have an idea as to why that is so…

Entry 4: Disruption — Observer-Observed Relationship

He has noticed my activities. 

He has also asked me to refer to him as simply Kaeya (a curious request). 

“No need to stick to formalities so much. Don’t you think we know each other well enough by now?” was what he said.

I have simply conducted observations on his outfit, behaviour, and elemental traces, and formed some hypotheses, nothing more. 

However, once the observer-observed relationship has become mutual, things are bound to be more difficult, particularly due to his nature. He has started pestering me about my notes, which confirms my hypotheses of his methodology when obtaining intelligence.

“My, the talented Albedo has chosen to write a report on me? How flattering.”

I’m treated as a plaything, another target of subtle interrogation. 

To be under his scope rouses an… uncomfortable feeling. I have not felt so intimidated ever since Master had… 

In any case, Captain Kaeya has shown extreme curiosity in the extent of my observations. He has intruded on my personal space multiple times, and as I am observing him, it feels as though he has been watching me just as much, if not more. 

I will end this entry here, in case Kaeya finds out.

Entry 5: Preferences — Flora and Fauna

I am forced out of my objective state of observation and have started conversing with him. 

Captain Kaeya does not share explicit detail in personal matters despite his seemingly flourishing social life, yet he seems amused at my attempts to converse with him. Interference in observation would not yield genuine results, and it is imperative to let the subject behave in a manner most natural to him. However…

I do not wish for him to be alone on his birthday.

I have learned that his birthday is on November 30th, after exchanging letters with Master Diluc. In addition, I have also learned that his favourite animal is an owl native to Dragonspine, and his favourite flower is the calla lily. 

But why the calla lily…?

It grows near Mondstadt’s waters and can be easily found around the river near the Dawn Winery. It also has antidotal properties along with a calming effect, which—

I see. 

He does often utilize dangerous modes of interrogation and operation.

He seems to me… anxious, at times. Though his expression never strays from amiability, his body language has betrayed him multiple times.

And while I have discovered early on that he has a preference for alcohol, namely a variation of dandelion wine known as Death After Noon, his drinking habits will only ruin his body. A bottle would not make a suitable gift.

I have an idea as to what would, however.

To the Kreideprinz

Today I encountered a rather… interesting situation, shall we say? The Acting Grandmaster has given me the day off for my birthday, yet Lisa specifically told me to head to Dragonspine after giving me a single training glove. A rather peculiar gift, no? Yet to my surprise, as I strolled along the snow-covered path, a white owl carrying a bouquet flew in my direction and landed on my arm.

Not just any bouquet— a bouquet of calla lilies, cecilias, and small lamp grasses. 

What a coincidence that I saw Sucrose experimenting with growing large cecilias with a familiar star mark on them the past weeks. And I do believe I saw a certain white figure near the Dawn Winery recently?

You flatter me too much, Albedo.

What’s more, the owl landed in the exact same fashion as Diluc’s falcon. Was including the small lamp grasses in the bouquet his condition for helping you with this little show? He’s indirect as always, I see. How comforting.

Still, to think that you’ve taken your time with such an extensive report on me of all people… Quite perceptive that you’ve picked up on my eyepatch by the second entry, though I’m afraid you’re wrong about me hiding something beneath it. But don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.

As for that fifth entry, what a shame that you didn’t send a bottle of Death After Noon while you clearly know that’s what I want! You think I’m anxious? With my line of work? I’d say you need to practise more on observing people.

…

From one star to another— 

Did you know that calla lilies symbolize holiness? 

Quite the mixed message there, Albedo.

In any case, a bouquet like this is quite the gift. Are you up for a little rendezvous at your camp this evening? I do have some time on my hands after I finish dinner at the Dawn Winery, and since you have so many sketches of flowers in this notebook of yours, I gather that you’ve an interest in them.

What say you to a discussion on the language of flowers, Kreideprinz?

[botheringlevi]

hah, you’ve got a few points about that, captain :) honestly i didn’t know some of those things could work… i know i can always count on you for figuring things out like that. so, i can ask for you any time, huh? ‘course when you’re not busy.

on a completely unrelated note, the last few days… haven’t been the best. i’m not really sure how to wrap my mind around things, but i haven’t been ready to talk openly about it either. i may never be… do you mind if i hug you instead? just know i’ll end up holding you for hours if-if you have the time now.

i’m more worried about you, still. it’d be nice to hear about your day instead! what’d you do today? have you eaten well, other than drinking tea or small rations?

i’ve got errands from hange to get to soon, so do you mind joining me in a few… if you can? y-you don’t have to, if you really don’t want to.

well, moblit was actually bombarded with things to do so i offered to take some weight off his shoulders. i don’t… know where to start. hange’s office is a mess! there were so many papers scattered around and i couldn’t find the list hange was talking about, and their writing is sloppy on it. they’ve got so much on their mind, it just impresses me they can maneuver through all of it… you know, hange… they… haven’t showered in two weeks?

[Previous ask]

It's not that impressive; they're tricks I learned growing up. But they keep you warm.

Busy or not, you can, Suki. Try not to abuse that power, alright?

Before you even think about telling someone about whatever happened, or your feelings, it's smarter to get a handle on it in your own mind. And if you never are, so what? That's a choice you make on your own... No one else is gonna come and look inside your head.

It's a choice others will accept, too, if they have any sort of respect for you. You're not obligated to put your feelings in someone else's hands like that. And I mean everyone when I say that—including me. You should feel comfortable. So. *Blushing* Yeah, you can stay with me. I have time to waste.

I slept longer than usual last night—guess I was worn out. We're not getting any new recruits until spring, which puts more pressure on everyone who's still here since last spring to train right. This'll be the last expedition of the season (as long as this damn cold snap lets up), so there's a lot riding on it going well... So to sum all that up, I've been planning for that with my squad, and Erwin. Since he's the one in charge of the formation, and plotting our route. On top of ordinary chores, I've been taking small meals to my quarters with me. But that said, I'm drinking fine.

Considering all that, those errands you've taken off Hange's hands better not be a waste of time. I'd rather join you to lighten your workload (and Moblit's)... and get away from my desk, but it's not that simple.

Come see me, and I'll translate their chicken scratch for you, or I'll barge in there and get some directions out of them that make sense. Like all of us, they have a lot on their shoulders... What differs between them and the other veteran officers is that they're distraction-prone and a total wreck without at least Moblit around to rein them in. They'd relax a little if they organized... and didn't stink like shit all the time.

Anyway, like I said. Come see me.

[canmom]

Toku Tuesday 49: David Cronenberg

Hey friends! Toku Tuesday’s back. As usual, we won’t be watching any tokusatsu.

David Cronenberg! The master of body horror. As you may well have heard, he’s back with a new film, Crimes of the Future, unrelated beyond title to his previous film called the same thing. Despite how much he’s up my street, I’ve barely seen any of his films beyond, by chance, eXistenZ and Scanners. I think it’s about time we remedied that!

For the uninitiated: David Cronenberg is a Canadian director of, for the most part, sci-fi horror films. He began directing films in the 70s, backed by the Canadian government, and has continued to make films every few years since then. His films are known particularly for their fantastic practical effects portraying gooey, slimey flesh in various configurations. His inspirations are often literary - notably William Burroughs, who he would eventually approach in film by adapting Naked Lunch, and JG Ballard, whose ‘important and seminal’ Crash he adapted in 1996. Many of his films deal with transformations: he once spoke of directing films ‘from the point of view of disease’.

aaand... let that suffice, I guess. I won’t do a big biographical writeup right now - I would like to do that but it will take time to do it properly, so let’s save it til after we’ve watched a couple more of his films~

So for tonight I asked @lyravelocity​ what would pair well with Crimes and she proposed The Brood (1979), one of David’s earlier films; she described it as a way of presenting medicine as a kind of vaudeville that’s been a recurring theme for Cronenberg. This one deals with... hey, more evil doctors! This time we’ve got... a psychiatrist whose methodology is messing with peoples’ bodies, asexual reproduction of weird little monster kids, and a sort of allegory for Cronenberg’s divorce. Sounds fascinating.

Then we’ll hit Crimes itself, which sends us to... what sounds like a pretty fascinating future in which people no longer feel pain allowing surgery to be performed while awake, everyone interfaces with biotech prosthetics, and human biology is in general rapidly changing.

That’s about all I have time to write, but I did find an interesting quote on the subject of why he makes so many movies revolving around weird body stuff while talking about his movie A History of Violence (2005), which I found rather admirable, so let me reproduce it here...

For me the first fact of human existence is the human body. I’m not an atheist, but for me to turn away from any aspect of the human body to me is a philosophical betrayal. And there’s a lot of art and religion whose whole purpose is to turn away from the human body. I feel in my art that my mandate is to not do that. So whether it’s beautiful things—the sexuality part, or the violent part or the gooey part—it’s just body fluids. It’s when Elliott in Dead Ringer (sic) says, “Why are there no beauty contests for the insides of bodies?” It’s a thought that disturbs me. How can we be disgusted by our own bodies? That really doesn’t make any human sense. It makes some animal sense but it doesn’t make human sense so I’m always discussing that in my movies and in this movie in particular. I don’t ever feel that I’ve been exploitive in a crude, vulgar way, or just doing it to get attention. It’s always got a purpose which I can be very articulate about.

Pique your interest? Our films will be starting at picarto.tv/canmom about 30 minutes hence, around 21:30 UK time~ Please hop in the lobby and I will see you there!

[still-a-morosexual-help]

OBEY ME! LESSON 60 DETAILED SUMMARY + DISCUSSION/THEORIES

*I wrote this days after the lesson was first posted and never bothered to go back and edit it so meaning there will be me theorizing about the next lesson as well

*I write a small para for each chapter and I write it immediately after finishing that chapter so there’ll be theorizing about the next chapter too

*I swear more than usual here

*Some of the dialogue is heavily plagiarized and a few is lifted directly from the story, the game is to figure which is which.

*Summaries and Discussions/theories for all the other lessons can be found on this blog under #obey me spoilers or #my theories or #my headcanons

Welp this is it… DAMNNNNNN the last two seasons each had a lesson near the beginning of the season dedicated just to a date with Mammon and I’m praying S4 has one as well and though it sucks Mammon & MC’s hellos and goodbyes are always really sweet and ahhh how am I already missing them. I’m desperate for S4 and I haven’t even finished S3 yet… fuck okay. 

Post Lesson 60 edit: The last chapter goodbyes are gonna be direct quotes cause I’m an emotional mess. 

As MC is about to head outside Mammon calls out to them and tells them to bring him a cake on the way home, they ask him why he’s been so cold and distant with them lately and he frowns at them and says he doesn’t know what they’re talking about and tells them not to forget the cake and then he leaves. Asmo who had being eavesdropping laughs and says that even for Mammon that was oddly bossy and arrogant. He then asks if he can tag along with them partway cause he’s heading to the spa. As they walk past the lake Asmo tells MC not to hold Mammon’s recent attitude against him and that he’s so upset about having to leave MC again that he doesn’t know what to do with himself and since rn all he can think about is MC he’s not sure how to act around them. Asmo says Mammon’s spending too much time dwelling on this. He looks disappointed and shakes his head when he asks himself what he’s gonna do about Mammon and that he’s being a child. (IS2G Asmo is the number #1 Mammon x MC shipper???????? Relatable) MC asks him if he hasn’t been dwelling on leaving. He asks if they wish he was and says they’re always on his mind and that’s why he doesn’t seem any different now. He says the actual reason he’s still so himself and not outwardly upset is cause he has faith (HA!) that they’ll end back together again like all the previous times they had to separate. He says he’s still sad about having to say goodbye but all that makes him want to do is treasure the moments they have rn. They can hold his hand, kiss him or say that’s a really Asmo thing if him to say. He smiles and says positivity is one of his charms (Asmo ily but weren’t you the one who got drunk and cried and needed to have Satan carry you back home the first time MC left…) They eventually part ways. I’m guessing the order of the rest of the ‘goodbyes’ is gonna be Satan, Mammon and then Lucifer cause those two always end up last in that order…

EYYYYY! They run into satan and ask where he’s off to. He says he’s off to the bookstore to stock on some human books before they head home and asks MC if they want to tag along. He hands them a list and tells them to start looking from the top and that he’ll start from the bottom. He says thwy can use magic as long as no human sees them (ME: thinking back to that one human MC, Belphie and Diavolo scared the shit out of…Hmmmm). They agree and he says that knowing they studied under Solomon makes him feel safe to trust that they know what they’re doing. He says he always knows he can count on them when he needs them and that being in the Devildom without them will be troublesome (I said in the fairy dust/angel lesson that Satan & MC are incredibly similar and that their friendship is highly underrated and I still stand by that.) MC uses magic to lift a book from a high shelf and Satan warns them that someone’s coming making them loose their concentration and the book to come falling down, Satan shields them though and gets hit with it instead. They each ask if the other is alright and he says they need to be more careful that no one sees them (ME: INTENSELY THINKING BACK TO THAT TIME WITH DIAVOLO AND BELPHIE WHEN MC WAS WILLING TO BARBEQUE A MAN FOR FIRING A GUN AT BELPHIE) He blushes and tells them he’ll show what he means and he takes them behind a bookshelf where no one can see and wraps his arms around them and pulls them close (Satan what kinda romance novel pickup line was that??? Also all I can imagine is that SNL bookstore skit with John Cena & Aidy Bryant). MC can kiss him, wrap their arms around him or just thank him for shielding them earlier. He says there’s no need to thank him and that he’s just happy they’re not hurt, He then laughs softly and asks if they’ll be okay once he’s gone. They ask him in turn if he’ll be okay. He blushes and says he won’t and that just thinking about life without them was enough to drive him mad.

At dinner levi asks if everyone is there and Beel looks sad and says Mammon isn’t, Belphie sighs and says he always has to make things difficult. Levi says it’s okay and he gets it and that Mammon obviously thinks dinner’s gonna suck since Levi made it and holy shit can we pls take Levi to a therapist pls? Belphie says Levi’s beating himself up for no reason and Levi goes on a rant about how he’s an ultra-negative, depressing otaku and how no one likes being around him ajndsvddjsnk LEVI pls!!? (unrelated but Levi’s actually my third favourite) Belphie asks MC to go get Mammon and Beel tells them to hurry. They knock and enter his room. They ask him what he’s doing and he says he was just watching a shark movie Satan gave him. He asks if they’re here to tell him about dinner and that they should head back and eat and not to worry about him. He looks upset and says he’s not in the mood to eat. They say they’re really gonna miss him and he’s eyes widen for a sec before he looks away and asks if they’re some sorta kid. He then laughs though and says they’re not the only one who feels that way. He blushes and says of course he’s gonna miss them too and that they already knew that. He asks if there isn’t some other way for them to stay together forever. He says that being a sorcerer they have to make something happen. They can say a.) that despite being a sorcerer they’re still pretty green and he laughs and says the one time he needs them they’re no use at all. He blushes and tells them to hurry up and ‘ripen’ and that a green sorcerer won’t cut it. B.) being a demon he should make something happen. He says if there was something he could do he woulda done it a long time ago. Looking aside again he says hanging out with them and talking about dumb stuff is something he takes for granted and he just realized he won’t be able to do it again anytime soon, he says that once he’s back in the devildom life would be dull and that once he used to be happy as long as he had money but after they met that was ruined. And now during his free time he thinks about them and feels all worried and unsettled. He blushes and asks them to stay with him and keep him company since all this is their fault. Belphie texts them asking where the fuck they are they say they’ll have dinner with Mammon later, he then wishes them luck with Mammon.

In the music room Levi’s bemoaning how he understands that any coffee he makes won’t be good enough while a wide eyed Asmo asks him what he’s talking about cause as you can see Asmo is drinking his coffee, Levi says he never admitted it was good though. Asmo smiles and reassures him that it’s actually good and asks Belphie to back him up. Belphie says he wants no part of any of this which immediately crumbles all of Asmo’s hard work and makes Levi depressed. Lucifer pops his head in and once he spots MC asks them to come to his room. They ask what he wants to talk about, he says he’ll tell them when he gets there. To the room as a whole he says that Diavolo wants them all at the hotel the next day. This surprises both Mammon & Beel, and Satan asks if there’s another problem at the hotel, making everyone turn and eye Levi who turns red and protests. In his room Lucifer asks if MC knows why he called them and they say nope. He asks if they really don’t know or if they’re just playing dumb. When they don’t answer he says it’s about why Diavolo called them to the hotel. He says Diavolo hasn’t told him the reason behind it and asks if MC knows, saying that for Diavolo not to tell him it has to be either something that’ll supremely piss off Lucifer or something that Diavolo finds fun and exciting that Lucifer won’t like but will have to endure. They say they don’t know anything about it. He says, “what do you think you can lie to me? Have you forgotten who the fuck I am exactly!?” When they still remain silent he drops the blank faced glare and laughs saying he can take a guess at what’s going on considering they’re not willing to share. He says considering this is them they’re probably gonna do something nice for them and he tells them they’re really sweet, they tell him not to stop and to keep stroking their ego (or they can ask for a reward). He says he may considering how things go tomorrow. He then pauses and says he’s actually in the mood to indulge them today so he’ll sing their praises just for today. (They can ask if he’s sad about saying goodbye, he says yes and then blushes and says obviously that means they’re spending the night in his room – I noped out at this point. Is it weird that Lucifer’s the only brother I can’t see MC platonically sharing a bed with?) They then tease him saying this is very unlike him. He blushes and agrees, saying that when he’s with them he doesn’t have to be the avatar of pride but that’s okay because they love all the different sides of him (I thought this was really sweet, Lucifer needs to know that there’s someone who loves him as a whole even the parts of him that are massive jerks and I love that this interaction can be read as either romantic or platonic. He smiles and says he’s looking forward for tomorrow.  

The brothers are all surprised when from the hotel they are taken to the currently most popular club in the human world that has been reserved all for them, with Simeon making all the food and Luke making cakes. Luke tries his best to protect the food from Beel while Satan and Mammon say how surprise they were by Barbatos’s magic making them walk out into the club after walking into the hotel. MC asks if they like it and Lucifer says of course they do and thanks them for doing this. Solomon says he has a present for all of them too, Levi worries that he cooked for them (though he asks it with the sweetest smile cause all these demons are still hanging on to not letting Solomon know his food is toxic waste in case it hurts his feelings) and Lucifer whispers to MC that if so they might all die here. Solomon says he had offered to help cook but Simeon had insisted he had it all handled (he looks awfully disappointed when saying this). Mammon cheers on Simeon and Belphie says “…yeah I never thought I’d owe my life to Simeon but here we are” Their real present is Solomon lighting up the room with what, according to Belphie, looks like a fallen star. Asmo gushes about how beautiful it is.  Beel asks if he can eat it. Levi laughs and tells him he better not. Diavolo says they should officially start the party and everyone cheers. In a side lounge area Simeon says seeing the brothers enjoying the party so much makes all the effort feel worth it, Barbatos says he’s just happy seeing Diavolo having so much fun and he thanks MC. They say they could never have done it without their help in the first place. Simeon says it was MC to got them all working together to make this happen in the first place. Levi then arrives to come drag MC towards the karaoke (which Diavolo insisted they have – poor man’s still trying to sing a duet with Lucifer I see)

Satan and Asmo complain about Levi hogging the mic and singing anime songs, he yells at them for not understanding the raw passion and energy of anime songs (which isn’t that true? Anime songs have a unique kinda passion that makes you hyped that I’ve never being able to find in other songs..). Levi tells MC to forget about them and MC asks to sing a duet. Levi says he’ll queue up a bunch of duets and Mammon yells at Levi for hogging the mic and using this as an opportunity to hit on MC. Levi laughs and says that he’s not swooping in and doing anything the way Mammon said and that MC wants to sing with him. Mammon then blushes and demands to sing the next duet with them from MC. Asmo then calls the one after that and Mammon asks Beel & Belphie what they’re doing. They’re mixing drinks. MC says there new drink (demonous with scorpion powder and something else) sounds really good (cause they’re a freak like that) Belphie says the flavours do seem to go surprisingly well together and he asks Mammon to try some. He protests saying they just want to use him as a guinea pig. Lucifer’s drawn to the commotion and says they all seem to be fun, Levi asks if he wants to sing next and he says later, he then thanks MC for planning a fun surprise for them and that they were able to create some nice final memories in the human world before heading home. MC says they’ll share more great times together and Lucifer laughs and agrees saying this won’t be the last time they’re all together and this is just one of many happy memories they’ll share in the future. When they go back to the lounge area Solomon says they could hear them all talking, singing and laughing all the way from over here despite the music, emphasizing that they could hear Levi the most. Diavolo asks them to come sit and pours them another drink and says they were all talking about them and how they helped them enjoy their time in the human realm. He thanks them from the bottom of his heart. Solomon says last time they were all together in the Devildom and this time it was in the human realm and asks where they should be together next. Luke is surprised he’s already thinking about the next time. He laughs and says it’s cause he can barely wait for the next time they are all together. MC can suggest one of the three worlds. (personally I chose the Devildom cause the brothers aren’t allowed in the Celestial Realm and as much as I am completely in love with Mammon’s human world look I miss the aesthetic of the Devildom.) Diavolo laughs and says he’s happy they’ve taken such a liking to the Devildom and that he’d love for them to come back and that the brothers will be thrilled too. From the distance and getting closer they hear Lucifer telling his brothers to quit pushing him. Mammon tells him to just hurry up and go inside. Levi says Lucifer has to be with them or they won’t be taken seriously. Lucifer groans and asks if they’re actually planning on saying “this to him”. “Of course.” Says Satan. Belphie says it’s at least worth asking. Asmo agrees saying anything’s possible if you put your mind to it. They all tumble into the lounge area and Solomon asks what brings them all here. Lucifer looking tired says that his brothers have something to ask Diavolo. Mammon tells Lucifer not to act as if he isn’t part of this and as if it hasn’t been on his mind too. Diavolo chuckles and asks what they want to ask. Beel says they’ve all been thinking about something for a while now and they want to discuss it with him. The brothers all together yell: “We want MC to join the family!” GUUUUUYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!? Not me softly sobbing at the image this makes in my head ahhhhhhh!??????? AHHHHHH!?????????? MC’s shocked and speechless. Asjvfkjffvuiefhi pls don’t give me hope like this wtf and what do they mean by join the family cause I don’t mind Lucifer more or less adopting them, and like Beel said they already seem to be a part of the family but MC brought up proposals with A LOT of the brothers so is that what they mean? Like marriage??? But they’re all asking and other than Beel & Belphie wanting to share with each other and Asmo being open to threesomes none of them want to share MC so……. Also I do not see my OM! MC getting married at all but at the same time if it was to squirrel their way into a permanent position in the family then…

Diavolo’s wide-eyed and stunned silent, and then he asks “…huh!?” Solomon bursts out laughing. Luke is red faced and tells Solomon this is no time to laugh. Solomon still laughing chokes out that he’s never seen Diavolo so stunned. Luke pauses and then asks what exactly they mean by ‘join the family’ and then he turns red and demands if they mean marrying MC. The brothers obviously haven’t really thought about what ‘join the family’ means and only now realise it can imply marriage. Asmo immediately volunteers. Mammon red faced protests to MC marrying Asmo and then stuttering says that if they’re gonna marry anyone they should marry him (he screams the last part out after struggling through the first part). Levi gets pissed saying if MC marries a scumbag like Mammon they’d have a dark, terrible future (watch me put together a 200 slide presentation refuting this) Belphie tells Asmo and Mammon to back off before they mess things up. Lucifer, looking dead tired, says it’s already a mess. Diavolo goes, “Umm…Lucifer?” and asks him to explain what’s going on. He says the others want MC around on a permanent basis so they don’t have to say goodbye ever and they put their heads together and decided on this. “Marriage!?” goes Luke. Solomon says the demons hadn’t thought how they’d make them part of the family. Lucifer tells Satan that he can look at the others like they’re a band of idiots but to leave him outta it. Solomon asks MC what they think of all this and they say they want to be part of the family too (it’s implied through out the main storyline that generally MC’s someone who’s very calm and collected and who while being incredibly blunt doesn’t express their emotions outwardly much (at the beginning of S2 Lucifer even comments on them being more expressive than before they left) but I’d like to imagine at this moment they are wet eyed and beaming because of these loveable idiots who ARE their family even if it’s not official). Diavolo smiles and says he sees. Luke has problems with humans and demons mixing and being a family (LUKE I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS!?) “Yes, Luke. I know…” says Diavolo. His face then becomes serious and he’s silent and contemplative. Diavolo looks at MC and says that though they aren’t aware of it there’s still bad blood amongst the three worlds and that no matter how much they all want to be a family and stay together it’s not within his power to let that happen. He looks upset and apologizes. Lucifer is silent. He says though that his goal is to one day remove these barriers between the worlds and that he’ll do everything in his power to make that happen, and as the future demon king he promises that one day he’ll make it so that they can marry anyone in this room (I’m screaming just MC – queer as hell and with they/them pronouns waiting in the human world for marriage to get legalized only to fall in love with someone from another world and having to wait AGAIN for marriage to be legalized… I’d have lost my entire shit.) “WELL, isn’t that good for you, you apprentice poaching motherfuckers but guess what I’m a human meaning WE can get married in the meantime… CHECKMATE, BITCHES~” says Solomon. Mammon actually snaps at Solomon and calls him a “son of a –“ before he remembers the child in the room and trails off and snaps at him not to say stuff like that. Belphie asks if Solomon can even be classified as a human given his age. (Can MC even be classified as fully human given the whole Lilith situation? I mean ik Lilith was reincarnated as a human but she still kept and passed on her supernatural magic. Plus there’s a Belphie devilgram that takes places pre S1 that implies MC’s not fully human plus that whole thing about fairy hallucination angel!Lucifer not taking MC’s word for it when they said they were human… it’s very likely though everyone here’s too dumb to realise it). Satan says at this point Solomon might as well be a demon. Asmo tells him not to pretend to be a human when it’s convenient. He laughs and says that even though he can’t grow old or die he still belongs to the human race. Beel says that maybe but Solomon isn’t playing fair, Levi agrees and says Solomon’s also making him jealous. Diavolo says MC sure is popular seeing as they are all fighting over them. Lucifer says he knew this would happen and that’s why he didn’t want them to have this discussion. Luke’s shocked that MC’s got demons and the world’s greatest sorcerer wrapped around their finger, MC asks him if he sees them in a new light now. Luke says he thinks it’s impressive but it also creeps him out.

Back near the dance floor, Satan laughs and says Beel’s eating too much, Beel says Satan’s drinking too much, Satan who actually seems tipsy says he’s nowhere near his limit and challenges Beel to a competition to see who reaches their drink/food limit first, Beel agrees. Given how much beel can eat I can only assume this is the last we see of Satan RIP. Barbatos, looking uncharacteristically extremely worried, tells them to slow down cause neither of them know to stop. Levi, finishing up his song, calls for Luke who booked next but Mammon says Simeon went to put the “little guy” to sleep and asks Levi to come play cards instead. Lucifer, who’s playing with Mammon, asks if he hasn’t lost enough at this point, Mammon turns red and says this time he’s gonna win it all back. Asmo laughs and says Mammon just jinxed himself. Belphie asks why MC’s looking around the room so restlessly and they can say A.) I don’t see Diavolo anywhere B.) where’s Solomon? Either way the answer is he has no idea where Solomon went but he did see Diavolo head out earlier. He says the two of them are probably together talking. MC finds Diavolo and asks what he’s up to. He says he wanted a break and to gaze at the city lights and sober up a little since he won’t be able to see them again for awhile. He asks them to sit next to him and then laughs and says he could barely believe his ears after he heard what the brothers asked. He says he’s known the seven of them for a long time and knows how close they are and that it’s unbelievable that they’d want to include someone new to the family (MY HEART!? ALSO FOUND FAMILY TROPE!) He says it almost makes him jealous. They say that they know for a fact that he’s very important to the brothers too. He’s like “thanks for saying that but rn you’re either playing dumb or you actually are this dumb which makes me question my taste but then again I’m also in love with Lucifer so…” and he says he’s jealous of the brothers not them (Sure, Jan. We know you’re jealous of them both don’t lie). He says he feels the same as them and blushes and says he keeps thinking about how it could be if they were together forever (Sir, pls Lucifer is right there. He’s available. Pls.) He says if their relationship was on that level and if their bond was deep and permanent like those of a family he can’t even imagine how amazing that’d be (he keeps repeating ‘family’ and the brothers weren’t even thinking marriage when they asked for MC to be part of their family and Diavolo was really shocked and he now said specifically it was them asking about being ‘family’ before Luke even first mentioned marriage that made Diavolo jealous. What I’m saying is that considering Diavolo’s lonely, strict childhood the one thing he wants more than anything is a family not marriage specifically). He smiles and says they beat him to the punch and that he asks them to give him time cause he’s gonna do everything he can to mend the bridges between the three worlds for MC and for the brothers…and a little bit for himself. He gives them his word.

Out on the balcony Solomon greets them and asks if they shouldn’t be down with the others, they say they needed a break and wanted to talk to him, he wonders if the others would be pissed if they knew Solomon had MC all to himself. He says he figured he’d stay out of the way today and let MC and the demons spend time together considering he’ll have enough time to hang out with them later. He says he can’t believe they asked MC to join the family and that he didn’t see that coming. He starts laughing again about how serious they looked and how shocked Diavolo looked, and how Lucifer looked like he had a migraine (Ik we all say Lucifer’s the sadist but have we considered…) MC asks if he really thinks it’s that funny (and I’m pretty sure they’re offended on the brothers’ behalf and hurt cause that’s what they want too.) Solomon says for him it’s funny. He says it’s common of a demon to ask for a business arrangement or a pact but he’s never heard of them asking humans to join their family. He smiles and says he’s beginning to think he chose a “truly incredible” human as his apprentice. MC asks what the demons in his life are to him, he gives it serious thought and said these days he sees them as close friends. MC asks if things were different earlier and he says they were but also asks that they not get into things rn cause the story is long and tedious, MC asks if he’s just trying to avoid their question and if he’s gonna tell them the truth or not. He laughs and says nope and that though you can’t tell it by looking at him he’s a little too tipsy. He reminds them that they’re barely a sorcerer rn and that they should leave questions like that for later until they can use “magic like this” without an incantation. He uses magic to teleport the others on to the balcony (what a snake. Imagine instead of going to a crowd to escape a conversation you use your magic to bring the crowd to you to avoid a conversation AND to set a line for MC to reach before they can start poking at his past.) Asmo says he’s being wondering where the two of them went and how naughty it was to sneak off together, Levi complains about being cut halfway through a song, Beel asks MC to judge his eating competition with Satan and Satan says it’s actually a drinking competition. Barbatos looking deeply concerned asks if the two of them intend to empty the hotel’s pantry AND its wine cellar. He asks MC to stop them. Lucifer’s goading Mammon and kicking his ass in a card game and Mammon refuses to give up (HC that Lucifer taught Mammon to play cards up in the Celestial Realm as a way to get him to sit still and NOT set the drapes on fire). Belphie comments on the card game and the party continues. (Pretty sure Solomon saw the demons as pawns or tools to get what he wants/ for more power and that he was much more ruthless with making pacts with them than he is now when he pesters Lucifer (aka getting Asmo drunk while he was upset and making a pact) the question is why? And why did Michael basically sponsor this? We know that the Celestial Realm and Devildom had just called a truce when Michael took an interest in Solomon so could it be that he wanted someone to keep an eye on the demons and the best way to do that was to have a powerful human sorcerer make as many pacts with demons as possible. I mean Solomon made a pact with Asmo mostly because he was Lucifer’s brother and Michael still has a heavy interest in the brothers so it could be possible that he wanted Solomon to make a pact with one of them so that he could see what they were doing?)

LAST ONE GUYS! :) I’m okay really :)))))))) Outside the manor in the morning, Barbatos tells Diavolo it’s time and Diavolo looking really sad agrees. (RIGHT OFF THE BAT HUH!?) Even Solomon seems upset when he realizes it’s time and then that damn song starts playing, that ending song that always chokes me up and this time it doesn’t feel as sad as last season because honestly the “Till we meet again” party really helped while last season all the brothers tried to run away with MC and that shit HURT but it still makes me choked up FUCK I want them back so badly. Diavolo comes up to MC and says they have to return and that though they weren’t here for a long time it was really fun. “So, till we meet again, MC” he ends with. Barbatos thanks them for all they did to make their stay in the human world more comfortable. He says next time they meet he’ll prepare a special tea for them that he’s sure they’ll like. From here we’re going to direct quotes because I am EMOTIONAL:

Mammon says, while not meeting their eyes: …Listen, why’re you sittin’ around twiddling your thumbs, huh? I saw how hard you worked to become a sorcerer, so I know you got it in ya. (He blushes, still not meeting their eyes) Hurry up and learn summoning magic ASAP! You big dummy… (he finally looks up at them and smiles) And once you learn it, you’d better summon ME first! All right? You promise, right? (MC can either hug or kiss him….AND YOU GUYS MUST KNOW ME BY NOW SO MC just kisses him in front of all the brothers just like that????????? – he blushes and looks away again) Dammit, now I wanna take you back to the Devildom with me… (He meets their eyes one more time, face still red)

Levi says, blushing and looking aside: …You know that game we were playing? Final Devil Kingdom… (He looks up at them, still blushing) Well, I’ve decided not to make any more progress in it until I see you next. (He smiles brightly then) So we need to get together and play it again as soon as possible, okay? I mean, I’m dying to move on to the next dungeon… (He looks up at them with a sad expression then and they can either hug or kiss him and look I love Levi but I’ve already made my choice so MC hugs him – he blushes and gets a determined expression on his face) I’m going to be messaging you a lot, okay? So… don’t ignore my texts, or I’ll cry. (He smiles at them one more time)

Satan says, looking confident and meeting their eyes: …There are several cats who come by the manor for food each day. Make sure to take care of them for me. If you’re on the job, I feel like I can rest easy knowing they’ll be okay. (He frowns, blushes and looks away then) But keep in touch. Let me know how the cats are doing every day. Got it? Every day. (They hug him and he laughs and then says with a smile) Knowledge is power. The more you have, the better off you’ll be. So study hard, and learn to stand on your own two feet as a sorcerer as soon as you can.

Asmo says, looking really upset but making eye contact: No matter how I dress myself up or how cute I make my nails and makeup, if I can’t show it to the one I love the most, it won’t be fun at all. (He smiles then) So, I’ve decided to think about it this way… I have to strive to make myself more and more beautiful with each passing day! 🤍 (He smiles even more brightly) So that one day you’ll fall for me completely and then you’ll be all mine! How does that sound? (MC hugs him and he giggles, and says smiling) I’m going to put a little something extra on my hug! 🤍 (he squeezes them closer)

Beel says with a soft smile looking in at them: …It was fun getting to eat together with you every day here human world, MC. (His smile brightens) You know, when you’re with the right person, good food has a way of tasting even better. I want to be able to eat with you all the time, every single day. I want that to be normal. And I’m going to do whatever I can to make it so that someday soon, it really will be like that. (MC hugs him and he blushes and smiles and says) Make sure you eat enough, okay? Take care of yourself.

Belphie says also with a soft smile, making eye contact: I’m glad I got this chance to live here in the human world. Spending each day together with you in your world has been incredibly fun. (He looks sad and looks to the side) …Having to go to sleep every night in a house without you in it from now on is going to be really sad, and really lonely. (MC hugs them and he blushes but his expression is still sad and he doesn’t make eye contact) Take care, MC…

Lucifer’s wearing that fond smile that makes his eyes squint shut and he says: …Never did I imagine that one day, I’d find it this hard to say goodbye to you. I’ve managed to shock even myself. (He looks up at them then) Once I’m back in the Devildom, where I can’t see you anymore, this feeling is probably going to grow even worse. I hope this is every bit as difficult for you as it is for me. (MC hugs him) …Let’s make sure we see each other again sooner rather than later. (He gives that soft fond smile again)

Barbatos opens the portal. Solomon tells them all to take care. There’s a flash of bright light and the opening song starts playing. “MC!” Yells Mammon with a bright smile before he jumps in. “Toodles!” Says a beaming, waving Asmo. “Till next time!” says Levi with a small smile. “Take care of yourself!” Says a brightly smiling Belphie. “Bye…” Says Beel with a smile. “See you around.” Says Satan with a smile. “See you next time.” Says Lucifer with a nod of his head and a smile. “Goodybe, MC.” Says Diavolo with a bright smile. There’s another flash and the portal’s closed and they’re all gone. The credits play thanking all the main and side character VAs over human world backgrounds and YOU! Back in front of the manor Solomon says it suddenly got so quiet that he feels lonely. MC’s silent and doesn’t answer him. “Hey,” he says after a bit, “didn’t they officially hire you as their “babysitter” because you came here looking for a job, you know that thing you need to be able to survive independent adult life in the human world… Did they ever pay you for that?” “…SON OF A B–” At the angel’s halo Simeon tells a sad, silent Luke that the others must have gone back home by now, Luke quietly agrees. Simeon laughs and asks if that bothers Luke. Luke blushes, stutters and denies it. Luke tries to change the topic by telling Simeon to hurry up and grind some coffee cause they’re about to open. Simeon says they still have enough time and Luke says he’s gonna take out the trash and runs out back to avoid his feelings and this conversation. Simeon laughs. The door opens and Simeon turns to tell them they’re not opened yet but trails off. ??? says, “I can see that, yes…” Simeon’s eyes widen and his mouth turns down, he’s too shocked to say anything. ??? says, “Well, look at you. I could almost believe you really are a human, brother…” Simeon’s entire face goes blank and settles on a cold emotionless expression though he still doesn’t reply before he slowly smiles, “…Welcome. So glad you could stop by, Raphael.” And the chapter, the lesson and the season is over. So…SO…you know I don’t even have words really. I’m not, we really are getting new characters aren’t we. I mean I said in some of the earlier summaries that at this point with the way they were hyping up the angels in this season that it only makes sense to bring them in BUT I never 100% believed they would and now I’m just???? They really are gonna do it holy fuck GUYS!? I need S4 badly like rn immediately but given that the break between S2 and S3 was really small AND that they maybe introducing at least 2 new characters the break between S3 and S4 might be longer AND I get it y’know but still I desperately need this now. Holy shit. And Simeon’s facial expressions! How he looked surprised and upset and then how his face just shut down (something we rarely or never? See from him) and then how it smoothed out into a smile ajsdvbkdwhskcjksk Raphael’s way of speaking fit exactly with what I imagined after what Asmo, Lucifer and Belphie said about him. This kinda formal, authoritative, cold, distant way. And the tension between him and Simeon!? “BROTHER!????” Does he mean brother in the same way as the Sins do or is it more brother in arms the way I see Lucifer and Simeon being in the Celestial Realm? It felt cold compared to them. Pls give me a heavily dysfunctional, distant and cold angel family to contrast with the dysfunctional but close and loving demon family I WILL SCREAM. I’ve screamed all my angel and celestial realm theories in the previous summaries (there are a lot) so I’m not gonna go into detail about them here but I will say I’m keeping my fingers crossed for morally dubious/grey angels who believe they are completely in the right at all times and I’m deeply scared of getting at least part of S4 without the brothers as we are introduced to the angels – I mean don’t get me wrong I’d love if they took time to introduce us to the angels without the brothers’ dynamics with them being involved and to give us a chance to hear their side of the story before they have the whole reunion between everyone BUT I’ll also feel the heavy withdrawal effects of being deprived of the brothers so yeah. Overall the goodbye to the brothers felt far more uplifting than last season’s one given that they ended with the upbeat opening song and not the melancholic sounding ending song. WOW okay. I’m gonna try and get through the hard lessons and unlock the chapters I couldn’t since S2. SEE YOU NEXT SEASON! LOVE AK 🤍

[behappybeusefulbekind]

Okay, so from the perspective of a doctor who has done chronic fatigue clinics here’s some background and advice. Sorry if any of this is obvious or patronising.

Whenever you visit a doctor (in this context for first visit usually a GP / family doctor) and they’re trying to find out what’s happening with you they will be listening, and asking questions and examining you to try and put your issue into one of these classes (mostly, lets face it life is complicated and an issue can have multiple causes so could be all of these things)

Is this something imminently life threatening?

Is this something common and easily fixed / addressed?

Is this something rare or unusual I need to refer to a specialist for?

Is this something that is a problem but not one that can be easily medically fixed?

So when you’re seeing a doctor for fatigue what they’re probably thinking is:

Is this cancer?

Is this hypothyroidism/diabetes/anaemia?

Is this obstructive sleep apnoea/kidney disease/liver disease/some chronic infection/autoimmune disease?

Are you drinking too much caffeine because you’re tired then not sleeping properly? Are you too stressed to sleep? Are you too ADHD to sleep? Is this post viral fatigue syndrome or long covid or chronic fatigue?

So first thing they’ll do is ask a load of questions some of which may seem unrelated (black poos sign of internal bleeding, menstrual period frequency as lots of young people with uteruses can be anaemic from this, weight loss as sign of chronic inflammation). Snoring and neck circumference are very useful for sleep apnoea. Some of the questions may be insulting or obvious but we have to ask them as it’s amazing the amount of people who will drink a load of caffeine and swear it doesn’t affect their sleep but get benefit if they switch to decaf.

They might also ask about risk factors - things not directly related to your issue but do increase the chances of certain causes. Do you have a family history of diabetes? Do you go out walking in areas with lots of ticks full of Lyme disease? Are you a shift worker? (really knackers your sleep patterns)

They should examine you for signs and symptoms of anything flagged up on your history - for example signs of hypothyroidism, swollen glands in neck and armpit if possible chronic infection.

They will very likely do blood tests - looking for anaemia, inflammation, diabetes and liver and kidney function.

Then they will give you advice which may sound obvious but they have to address - this is the “Stop drinking caffeine and go to bed on time instead of scrolling tumblr till 1am” part - again, rather patronising but some people genuinely need to hear this. Sleep apnoea is worse if you are overweight so some doctors may ask you to loose weight first but that’s really difficult to do so I don’t and honestly CPAP machines are the best and people spontaneously loose weight after they’ve started CPAP because your whole metabolism changes when you get enough sleep and oxygen funny that.

Then depending on how overworked your GP is they will either organise a follow up appointment or say they’ll call you if there’s anything concerning on the bloods and you should call them in a few weeks if you’re still feeling tired all the time after following their advice.

If you’ve done this a few times, either seeing a different doctor or not it can be helpful to speed things up in a repeat appointment by writing things down (with a copy to leave with them for their documentation). Useful suggestions are:

Sleep diary - at least two weeks worth of what time you went to bed and when you woke up.

If you’re falling asleep during the day write that down too.

If you drink caffeine document when and what type.

Outcome of previous investigations - so if they say “oh we should check you for this” you can point to it and say I was not anaemic or hypothyroid on these dates why do you think that might have changed when symptoms are the same?

It’s often also useful to highlight what you think the problem is so they can either explicitly tell you “No I do not think you have X because Y” Or “Yes, I can see why you might be concerned about X, let’s do Z or refer you to a specialist for more investigations”.

You can also ask to be referred to a specialist! Chronic fatigue clinics have resources to investigate you and specialist counselors to help with symptom management.

Fatigue is one of those things which is so disabling but so difficult to treat. When I worked the fatigue clinic my role was to try and find an underlying medical cause that could be treated. Sometimes I did, mostly diagnosing and treating obstructive sleep apnoea or diabetes. Sometimes my assessment was “of course they’re tired all the time they’re working two jobs and a full time carer for their mum and can’t afford the time or money for making nourishing food and they’re worried about money and the general I-think-there’s-a-word-for-it-in-German depression-from-living-on-a-planet-being-destroyed-by-late-stage-capitalism.

A key thing to remember is even if there’s not an easy medical fix and there are lifestyle factors which can’t be helped there are still coping strategies (practical and psychological) which can be learned and do help. Good luck and please don’t lose hope.

How do you do doctors visits for the same thing? Like I've seen this doctor about my fatigue 5 times overs the last year, each time she orders different tests or suggests another thing to try and then a few months later I go back and it's kind of awkward to be like, yeah well, the fatigue I've had for the last 21 years is still happening... Is that how you're supposed to do it? Do you go back the week after the blood test or wait?

The last time I went was 6 months ago and I THOUGHT she referred me for a sleep study but actually I didn't have a high enough "day time sleepiness" score so I can't be referred.

Anyway I was waiting for a sleep study but that's actually not happening. So I have to just go again and I guess I just say "I'm still fatigued, what now?". Is that what you say? Is there some other way you're supposed to handle this?

I wonder if there's any point in even going because they haven't found anything so far so will they ever, so it's hard to motivate myself especially with having to also deal with the anxiety over what to say.

The "visits" are maximum 15 minutes (but usually less because you feel pressured to be quick) so you don't have much time to say a lot, especially when you have to first recap everything you've already told them and what's already been tried and for them to look up your notes and everything. It's so stressful.

[sineala]

The gay Invaders

Hi, internet! Today I'd like to talk about one of the chronologically-first canonically-gay couples in Marvel Comics history: Brian Falsworth (the second Union Jack) and Roger Aubrey (The Destroyer). (I mean "chronological" in terms of in-universe timeline rather than RL publication date; I'm pretty sure Northstar is still the first to publication as far as unambiguously-gay Marvel heroes go.)

If you are a fan of reading or writing about Captain America being queer, you should care about Brian and Roger, because they were two of Steve's fellow Invaders in the 1940s, meaning that they are two of the people on the list of Steve's Old Gay Friends And Teammates, because, yeah, Steve sure had a lot of canonically gay friends during the war. Probably more than you'd think he would have had in the forties! (The other two are Percival Pinkerton, who's part of Nick Fury's Howling Commandos, and of course Steve's childhood friend Arnie Roth. Pinky is gay by word of Stan Lee, IIRC; Arnie was as canonically gay as DeMatteis could make him in the early 1980s, so they didn't say the word "gay" but it's really, really not subtle. Steve compares what Arnie feels for his "roommate" Michael to what Steve feels for his girlfriend Bernie. Yeah.)

I previously made a Tumblr post about Brian and Roger, rounding up some of the canonical evidence of their relationship, but that post is six years old now, and in the intervening years, Marvel has thoughtfully put the rest of the 70s Invaders run on Unlimited as well as the two Citizen V miniseries that star Roger and retcon his relationship with Brian as romantic. So I've read them now, and I've got panels.

Okay. I should probably begin by saying that Brian and Roger are not canonically gay in their first significant appearance together, which is in Invaders vol 1 #19 and #20, published in 1977. Roy Thomas does not seem to have intended them to be a couple, and they aren't canonically one in any of the original Invaders run. However, if you enjoy gay subtext, it's very nice.

This whole arc is the one that introduces Roger in modern canon. He's been brainwashed by the Nazis and the Invaders rescue him and get him back to his normal self. But in #19 we get his backstory in flashback, as related by Montgomery, Lord Falsworth (Brian's father; yes, MCU fans, the name should look familiar) and it turns out that Roger and Brian were basically best friends since childhood:

They were the dearest of friends!

Anyway, they both ended up captured by Nazis, they presumably changed their minds about appeasement as a policy, Brian got out and joined the Invaders, then they had to rescue the brainwashed Roger, and it's a fair amount of fun in a two-issue arc.

The subtext is even more prominent in Invaders #34, in which they find out that someone going by the Destroyer (which is Roger's codename) has been doing villainous deeds, and the Invaders worry that Roger's gotten himself brainwashed again. Brian immediately insists that it can't really be Roger because he knows Roger and Roger Would Never:

Unsurprisingly, Brian is right. It's not really Roger; Master Man is impersonating the Destroyer, and the villains have taken Roger captive, and the Invaders break him out and there is an extremely significant moment where it just so happens that Roger has to catch Brian, saving his life for a change, and they stare deeply into each other's eyes and Brian seems to be having difficulty finishing his sentences:

Some people who read this therefore concluded that Brian and Roger were extremely gay for each other. While ordinarily this sort of shipping is mostly confined to fandom, in this particular instance, one of the people who started shipping Brian/Roger was Fabian Nicieza, and Fabian Nicieza, as you probably know, writes comics for Marvel. I think you see where this is going.

However, first I must inform you that, sadly, Brian has been canonically dead for years. Captain America vol 1 #253-254 -- the two-parter about Baron Blood in the Stern/Byrne Cap run in the 80s -- establishes that Brian died in a car accident in 1953. (This is also the run where Joseph Chapman -- a friend of Jacqueline Falsworth's son Kenneth -- becomes the third (and current) Union Jack.)

(Roger then appears in a bunch of T-Bolts issues; I assume there's nothing interesting there on the gay front because I feel like someone would have told me. I should probably read more than three T-Bolts issues someday.)

So, anyway, in 2001, Fabian Nicieza wrote a miniseries called Citizen V and the V-Battalion. Roger, who is still superheroing as the Destroyer despite being pretty old by this point, is part of the titular V-Battalion, and he has a very prominent role in this miniseries. And in #1, we have the usual splash page of character backstory, and there's a very, um, interesting line there:

Regarding Brian and Roger's relationship, the narration informs us: "It sounds much gayer than it probably was."

This is interesting, obviously for a couple of reasons. One is that, up to this point in canon, as far as I can tell, literally nobody thought any of this sounded the slightest bit gay at all. (Other than, I guess, Fabian Nicieza.) The other reason is that, as we soon find out, it actually was as gay as it sounds. Thanks, Fabian!

In 2002, Nicieza wrote a second miniseries, Citizen V and the V-Battalion: The Everlasting. Issue #1 opens with a flashback set in 1953; specifically, we see Brian's funeral:

Roger is extremely sad, and when Lord Falsworth expresses his sympathy about the death of Roger's "friend" and saying that he knows how much this hurts him, Roger mutters under his breath that he doesn't have the slightest clue:

All is revealed on the next page, when one of the other characters tries to ask Roger about superhero business and Roger snaps at him because, as he says, "I just watched my friend die in my arms."

Except "friend" isn't the word he starts to say:

Yep. That would be "lover." So Roger nearly outs himself. So, yes, now it's absolutely canon. Hooray.

Later on in the issue, which is set in the present day, we have a couple pages of Roger staring at pictures of the two of them and continuing to be sad:

Yeah. They were a couple.

So the question you -- being a Captain America fan -- might ask yourself is, okay, did/does Steve know about any of this? (The reason I started looking all this up was because I wanted to know if Steve knew.) I don't know if we have a panel of Roger specifically admitting any of this to Steve (and if we do, I would like to know about it), but I would be comfortable saying that Steve probably knew back then -- because, well, he seems like the kind of guy who would actually have been fine with it in the 40s, what with all his gay friends -- and also that I can't think of a reason why he wouldn't know now. Because he's definitely worked with Roger again in fairly recent comics, and also Roger is very much out, these days.

In fact, New Invaders #4 (2004) opens with Roger attending Pride:

So, yeah, he's out.

(Then he has to fight, as far as I can tell, homophobic Nazi vampires. They're yelling slurs in German. Great.)

In All-New Invaders #10, which is from 2014 (and which is not the same series as New Invaders), Roger shows up to help out the Invaders, and in passing, he just happens to mention to another character (Joseph Chapman, the current Union Jack), that he is in fact gay:

He and Joseph don't really like each other much; as far as I can tell, their acquaintance in New Invaders consists of Joseph being vaguely homophobic and Roger being bitter about him being Union Jack because he actually wanted to be Union Jack himself to honor Brian's memory -- you know, that thing superheroes sometimes like to do to honor their dead superhero significant others, viz. Hank when Jan was dead after Secret Invasion -- and now Union Jack is this annoying kid and not, y'know, the love of his life. This exchange from New Invaders #4 seems pretty representative of their relationship:

Anyway, yeah, he's pretty obviously out.

Steve isn't actually present for this conversation in All-New Invaders, but he mentions in a later issue of this run that he knows what Roger and his pals have been up to, plot-wise, so I feel comfortable assuming that he's talked to Roger at some point in the previous ten years or so, and therefore, since Roger is completely out at this point in canon, there's no reason Steve shouldn't know now.

On an unrelated note, it's also a fun issue if you're a Steve/Tony fan because this is clearly running in parallel with Hickman's Avengers run, which means that he spends half a page telling Namor that he's mad at him and the rest of the Illuminati (but mostly mad at Tony because... he's just obsessed with Tony in this run, I guess?) about the mindwipe:

This is the sum total of my knowledge about Brian and Roger. No, wait, I know one more thing, which is that Brian was a character in the late, lamented mobile game Avengers Academy, in which he was also actually gay; Roger does not seem to have been there. There's a CBR article that you can read about the whole thing, which mentions some of these details from the comics in passing. (I have no idea why it says that their relationship was alluded to in the Stern/Byrne run; unless I missed something big, the only thing those issues do is establish Brian's death. As far as I can tell, no one is gay in them.)

So, yeah, that's Brian Falsworth and Roger Aubrey, the two gay Invaders. Steve sure has a lot of gay friends.

[peaceoutofthepieces]

Tracing Time

Tuesday, 08:21

Song: Maggie Rogers - Dog Years

Sander is still rubbing at his eyes as he wanders into the kitchen, yawning loudly as he half-blindly makes his way towards the table. Before he can even get there, however, his mother is blocking his path and shoving a cake in his face and his dad is joining her to chorus, “Happy Birthday!”

“Uhm,” Sander blinks at them.

It’s strange to see that his mother is clearly wide awake, and that his father hasn’t left for work yet. Though he is already dressed in his police uniform, as one should always be when apparently preparing to have cake for breakfast. “Thanks. Don’t we usually do this in the evening, though?”

“Blow out your candles,” his mom orders. “Remember to make a wish!”

Twenty candles. The woman has twenty candles in a circular cake. (He’s sure, he counts them.) There’s already wax threatening to drip onto the icing, where the hastily piped ‘Happy Birthday Sander’ has holes pierced in it, the cake too small and the candles too numerous to avoid all of the writing.

Sander quickly blows out the candles.

“What did you wish for?” Léa asks, innocent and eager.

His dad, Ciel, makes a noise of protest and holds a hand up towards Sander. “If he tells you, it won’t come true.”

Sander points at him in agreement, and Léa huffs. It’s odd, that it’s odd to see his parents standing in front of him so early, interacting so casually, doing it all together. It’s not that they’re a distant couple, far from it. Sander’s father is just a busy man who sleeps and wakes early, and his mother is a not-quite-as-busy woman who has the luxury of being her own boss and rivals Sander’s own temperamental sleep schedule. They do not have breakfast as a family because they do not cross paths in the morning. They have dinner all together once or twice a week, if they get lucky. But there is certainly a bigger chance of their evenings coinciding.

So what is happening here?

“We’ll keep this for another time, I made actual breakfast,” his mother adds, gesturing at the table—with the cake still in her hands. Sander takes it from her quickly and sets it aside on the counter.

“Are we not having dinner, then?” he asks carefully.

They both give him bland looks. He curses both their heights—surely he should have earned an extra few inches from them. “We know you won’t be free for dinner,” Léa says.

Sander opens his mouth. Closes it again. Smiles sheepishly. “Oh.”

She huffs as she squeezes his shoulder. “But at least I can still be the first to wish my son happy birthday.” At his increasingly sheepish expression, she corrects, “In person. My god.”

It’s part of the reason he’s so sleepy still. He’d stayed up on a video call with Robbe until (well after) midnight, and the boy had wished him ‘happy birthday’ countless times, peppering kisses at the camera and apologising every time he’d started to nod off. It was possibly the cutest thing Sander has ever had the honour of witnessing. His lips twitch in a smile as he thinks about it again now.

He’d gotten a slew of other messages, all almost simultaneously at midnight. Gilles and Emilie and Thomas had all messaged almost at once into their small group chat, with varying styles and lengths and emoji usage. Adi and Lucas had both kept it sweet and simple. Milan had sent him a short video singing all of ‘Happy Birthday’ and blowing him a kiss. Jens had sent him one a few minutes late simply saying ‘happy bday. no I didn’t forget’, which Sander had blinked and then laughed at. He’d responded to them a while too late, after Robbe had eventually decided they both needed to sleep.

“Why couldn’t we just ask Robbe to join us for dinner?” Ciel asks. Not for the first time, Sander thinks that, for a policeman, his father is at times worryingly oblivious.

Léa clearly agrees, as she simply rolls her eyes in response. “I’m sure they’ll have their own private plans, of course he’ll want to spend his birthday with his boyfriend.”

“Uhm,” Sander says, again. “I still have class first though, so…”

“We should eat,” Ciel agrees, but glances at his wife. “Gifts now too, or in the evening?”

She considers it for a moment, then nods decisively. “We will do it before you two have to go. I’m not sure it’s too exciting, but you can make more use of it this way, maybe.” She offers Sander an apologetic smile.

He waves her off and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Don’t be silly.”

She returns his gestures and then pulls him to the table, pressing him down into a chair and piling food in front of him. It doesn’t matter that he’s not quite hungry enough for it, not this soon after waking, and his stomach protests a little with each bite. He enjoys it. He sits and eats with a parent at either side of him and he doesn’t get the feeling of too much. He doesn’t think undeserved. He’s not worrying about another year gone and him still the same. He’s not hit by a wave of inexplicable loneliness, or fretting over his current painful mistake, or mourning another year of life gone in which he has failed to grow up.

It’s all there, lurking in the constant shadows, but it’s not there, at the same time. Instead it’s his parents’ light bickering, and the memory of Robbe’s ‘goodnight kiss’, and all those messages on his phone.

And it’s relief.

Another year. Twelve months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes.

All that time, and nothing has really changed.

No intrinsic part of his life has altered, nothing’s gone. He’s still managing school (mostly), he still has the same friends, his parents are still fairly understanding, his unrelenting mental illness still hasn’t killed him, and he still has the man of his dreams across infinite universes (as said man claims).

He’s still here. Breathing, living. Thriving, his mind exalts.

“That’s a genuine little smile,” his father notes, returning it with one of his own. “It’s nice to see.”

Warmth spreads through Sander, cushioning his heart but also sneaking into his cheeks as he shakes his head and takes another overstuffed mouthful of food. Ciel’s smile just widens in understanding, and Sander feels a twinge for how often he turns the man away. It’s moments like these where he thinks it’s wrong to do so, that he should give him more of a chance on occasion, that maybe he really would be more helpful than Sander lets himself hope for.

But it doesn’t matter, today. Nothing like that needs to matter when they’re all happy to make it about his birthday.

They give him his gifts after breakfast, quickly. New clothes that he likes enough to go change into before he leaves, wearing the tee with subtle Bowie graphics with pride. There’s the usual restocking of art supplies as well, more expensive than he ever buys himself and which he gives his mother another kiss for. Then they pass him a card, which has sappy words in his mother’s handwriting and money tucked inside.

“Thank you,” he says, for the third or fourth time, squeezing them both in a quick hug as Ciel checks his watch and Léa smacks him on the arm for it. “Everything is perfect, really. And we can have some cake in the afternoon? I’ll come back for a while before I meet up with Robbe.”

His mother narrows her eyes and places a hand on her heart playfully. “So kind of you to include me in your busy day, the woman who brought you into this world.”

Ciel smiles at her, in a way that suggests he’s heard this particular speech before. “Yes, really a day to celebrate you, if we’re doing it right.”

“Of course,” Sander agrees, nodding sagely. “What was it? Seventeen hours of labour?”

“Followed by twenty years of tender and loving care,” she adds, and Sander laughs.

He wraps his arm around her shoulder and kisses the top of her head before leaning away to pick up his bag. “Truly the best,” he tells her.

“Save me some cake,” Ciel requests, also collecting his things by the door.

“But you weren’t involved in any of that credit,” Sander notes. “Hard to know if you should get to join in the best part of the celebration.”

“I cooked those croques this morning, and I’ll drive you to college.”

It’s a cheap bribe, considering Sander could drive himself if he so wished, but he still beams and pats his father’s shoulder, following him out. “A slice will be left in the fridge.”

~^~

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