#unless i finish the next semester and i still have zero friends

[grrrrriffin]

Heheheheh

[earthnashes]

Hey ya’ll! For some reason I ended up thinkin’ a lot about past experiences in school and figured I’d write about a couple of ‘em. Since it might get long-ish I’ll put it all down underneath the cut, but in the meantime, unless you don’t mind me sharing my personal thoughts and stories at random here, I might make a separate blog for this stuff. We’ll see! o3o At any rate, those school stories!

I dunno if ya’ll know about this since I rarely ever mention it but I went to SCAD for college (Graduated like a year ago). And as much as I absolutely loved the majority of my time there, there were a couple of instances I don’t look back on fondly. :/

Aight so this first story was my first year in SCAD, and I was in my very first animation class. I fuckin’ loved this class, it was so much fun, we had to learn the old-fashioned way animations were made with flip-techniques and light tables and what have you. It was overall a good time. I met some good people there too, but I usually sat in the back corner and ended up talking with a group of folks the majority of the class. Keep in mind, we were allowed to have conversations while we worked.

I’ll admit I can get pretty loud; my voice just naturally carries and can raise in volume more than what’s normal, I guess. But at some point the professor decided the back corner was being too rowdy and instead of addressing everyone in that corner, she would specifically single me out. The first time or so I understood ‘cuz maybe I was being too loud and forgot to watch my voice, but the next couple days continued like that even when I wasn’t really talking and focusing more on working. It eventually lead to me just not talking all-together or keeping my answers short and low to avoid being singled out, but even then it still happened.

It eventually led to one day, before class starts and I hadn’t even set my stuff down that my teacher pulled me aside and asked if I could move to sit closer to her to “try something out”. She said it was to make sure I wasn’t “getting a rise out of my peers” or some shit like that, but I didn’t understand why she thought I was the source of it, but I complied anyway. Infuriated me and was so embarrassing to basically be made to sit in an isolated corner, so much so I remember calling my mom during class break in my car to avoid anyone seeing me upset.

Well lo-and-behold, a few days go by with me sitting in that little space and speaking to basically no one until class was over, and the corner carries on as loud and as rowdy as it had been without me. Professor can’t single me out this time, I’m not over there, so she addresses the entire corner. Eventually I’m allowed to sit wherever I want when she realizes, ya know, it isn’t me making all the noise or “getting a rise out of people”, but even after that she never singled anyone else out, or pulled anyone else aside. Didn’t even attempt to talk to the other people in the corner, just kinda. Left it at that?

Ever since that specific incident I kept to myself during class for the most part, but she had started calling specifically on me after that to share my thoughts to the class on whatever we were doing. Always said “I wanna hear what you think, Ashante’.” at some point during discussions. I don’t know why though, she hadn’t done anything like that before; maybe her strange way of apologizing or something. She eventually stopped, thank god, but it had bothered me for a while after, even after I passed the class.

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Another story in college that was sorta-kinda of the same vein happened I think still my first year at SCAD. This time it was in a different class, like a semester after the previous story, and it was a computer graphics class. I wasn’t very fond of this class but the teacher seemed okay, if a little boring. 

Uhhhh but anyway. We had an animation assignment and the first step of it was for everyone to do a storyboard of what we wanted to animate. I loved this project, it was the only real enjoyable one of the class, so of course I finished my storyboard and all that good stuff. The entire class turns the assignment in and we have a critique, like not one person missed this assignment and we all went up and presented what we had and we discussed. Two facts I want ya’ll to keep in mind is 1. the assignment was required to be turned in digitally so we could present it via projector, and 2. the professor participated in the critique, so he saw that literally everyone in the class did the fucking assignment and turned it in ON TIME, I need to stress that.

So, a few days pass, we’re working on our animations, and our grades are up for us to see on the online board thing; can’t remember what it was called but you were able to check whenever you want to keep tabs on your grade. So, I sit down at my computer and check my grade before class starts. I had kept a consistent high-B in this class, so imagine my complete shock when that shit was at a fucking D. My grade dropped from being like a 89 to a 69 in one week, and the only assignment that was turned in that could have affected it at that point was the storyboard one. So I look at that grade. It’s a fucking 0. I got a 0 on it. There’s no explanation, just a blank 0 staring back at me and I’m deeply confused.

That’s when my friend next to me asks “hey uh, what’d you get for your storyboard??” I told her, and she tells me she got the exact same thing. The dude next to us overhead and was like “wait, you too??? My grade dropped so low, what gives?” We end up asking the entire class and EVERYONE. GOT. A. ZERO. On this assignment. Everyone. So, we’re flabbergasted and there’s almost visible question marks above our heads, then the professor waltz in. We’re all kinda clambering for an explanation but he’s like “hold on, I need to say a piece before we start class”. After he sits his shit down he goes on to say “how disappointed he was” at us for not turning in the previous assignment and talks about how he’s never experienced having to fail an entire class like that before over one assignment. And of course everyone’s like ????????? You were there?? We had a critique?? YOU WERE ABLE TO ACCESS THEM ON YOUR COMPUTER????

And then he basically says “well, computer’s are never wrong, and as far as I see no one turned it in, so I’m afraid everyone will have to get a 0. Do better next time.″

So, we’re furious, but there isn’t a lot we can do when he kinda refuses to hear us out and starts the class. So during break, I tell my friend that I’m gonna try and talk to the professor. A few others decide to join me and about 6 of us approach him about it. I distinctly remember my friend hiding behind me when we proposed the possibility that, ohhh I dunno, the drop-box system glitched or some shit. Keep in mind that DropBox, which was a shared stashing system the professors made students use to turn their work in, is notorious for losing files. Every other professor I’ve had up to that point has warned us about it, some even barely trusted it to the point of just recommending us turning our work in via email.

He, again, refuses to hear us out because he claims “the computer doesn’t spontaneously glitch like that” DESPITE EVERYTHING. We’re arguing for a little bit before he doesn’t wanna hear it anymore and we’re told to basically drop it, and the group disperses. I’m the last one to try my luck with it, and he says if you have such a problem with it, we can talk about it sometime this week during my office hours. So I tell him absolutely, i’m not about to take a zero when I know I turned that shit in.

The day comes and I get to his office, and it isn’t just him in the office but also the Dean of that specific department. It catches me off guard a little but still, I’m thinkin’ alright, well maybe if he won’t listen the department head will. But I barely get a chance to talk, because before I really say anything the professor basically goes “so I’ve had a discussion with our dean here, and we’re both in agreement with my decision, but in case it’ll help you feel better he wanted to tell you in person.”

And the dean proceeds to say, and I quote, “Computers are not living entities who decide to delete things or have tiny little evil viruses that magically wipe away data. They do not make mistakes like people do. If the computer says you didn’t turn your assignment in, then you didn’t, and I need you to let go of the idea that something went wrong here because it didn’t. Okay sweetie?”

It’s one of the few instances I distinctly remember being spoken down to like I was a fucking idiot. He had his head tilted down and his eyebrows raised and he was kinda standing over me like he was trying to talk down a child and I hated it. The professor was off to the side just kinda nodding his head and it felt really strange to be in the office at that point. I didn’t wanna be there anymore so, I said thank you for your time, and the head just kinda smirked at me and left. I think it kinda shook me cuz I remember trying not to shake too much. The professor pulled me aside before I could leave and was apologizing for getting his supervisor involved, and said he hoped it answered any issues I may have had about the assignment problem.

I told him it did, then said “If I won’t get help from either of you, I’ll just take it to the president of the school.”

He said something along the lines of “if it makes you feel better, then okay”, and I left feeling some type of way. I hated it.

Soooo I do, I send an email to the president explaining the situation about the whole class being failed on this specific assignment, we trying to reason with the professor, him not trying to do anything about it and how the dean was equally unhelpful, and I can’t remember exactly what I said in the email but it was basically me asking her what steps I should take in order to rectify the issue. She didn’t actually reply to me, but not even two days after I sent the email the professor pulls me aside and basically says that he “gave it more thought” and made a point to say that, while he still stood by what he said about computers not being capable of glitching the way it had, he’d “give the whole class the appropriate grades” we deserved since he finally acknowledges that we did have a critique he was fucking present for.

My overall grade jumped from a 69 to a 90-something after I was given my actual grade. Everyone else’s grades came back up too. I’m almost sure i’m the only one who pursued it since he seemed to be pulling only me aside, but it’s awful convenient he changed his tune right after I emailed the president of the school, so I think she must’ve talked to him and the Dean at the very least.

I really didn’t like that professor after that.

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Sooooo yeah. A couple of stories from school that really stuck in my memory despite it being years ago. I have a couple more I might share, most of them silly and fun but a few not so fun, but we’ll see! Maybe after I start a journal blog for the sole purpose of reblogging stuff and talkin’ my thoughts. I dunno, though. o3o

BUT in the meantime, feel free to share your own college/school experiences! I’m always interested to hear about how ya’ll went about school. O:

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker Ch2

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 2,332

- Author Note: Pure cliche~

Previous | Next

Chapter 2

Summer has finally come to an end. Fashion enthusiast like Ji Seul’s colleague, Ahn Hyejin or famously known as Hwasa, was all ready to get rid of her summer clothes and to replace it with new one matching this new season. Hwasa was one of few friends that she made before she dropped out from college a year ago. She did not work permanently there unlike Seul, since she’s in her final semester. Working part time was the only way to get away from her tiring student’s life.

Hwasa came from a well-off family therefore money was not an issue to her. She could afford her college fees and other miscellaneous expenses. In fact, she once offered to pay Seul’s college fees however she politely declined Hwasa’s kind gesture. Not that she felt offended, Seul did not want to live off by other’s money or even worse being pitied by people around her. Her family could only afford Ji Hoon’s school fees, it was not her choice at first place.

On side note, she performed super badly in her first semester maybe she was worrying too much about her family or she wasn’t ready to further her studies. Anyways, she was used to live like this. Nothing could change the fact that her life was fated to be this way unless miracle happened some day later.

Seul wiped the last part of the glass window with a content smile. She stared blankly outside the window watching different people passed by the area. Some were too preoccupied with their smartphones, some were running with all their might maybe they had something important to attend and some high schoolers were fooling around happily with their friends. Her heart felt warmth just by witnessing it. How she wished she could turn back time and worry nothing but her mathematics test. Back then, everything flowed smoothly. Zero worries, no dramas and her father was still there with them.

The happy ending that was still far ahead.

Sighing softly, Ji Seul tore her gaze from the high schooler across the road “Seul-ah!” her ears caught Hwasa’s cheerful voice behind her.

“Oh, Hwasa! You are here early” she smiled genuinely.

“I have to change shift with Krissy so I come earlier! I have projects to be completed in a week, things are quite crazy” she puffed her cheeks earning a lower chuckle from the smaller girl in front of her.

Ji Seul giggled “Get the degree and never look back once you graduated” she gave her friend a small pat before them both moved behind the counter getting ready to start the second phase of the day.  

It usually packed after two in the afternoon. The only time they could rest was in the morning, people rarely came early in the morning except for takeout. It was less hassle during that time so they would have time to fool around.

“JI SEUL GET THE CUSTOMER’s ORDER! I need to clean this” shouted Hwasa. Seul strutted towards the counter with a polite smile, apologizing before she took the customer’s order.

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“Rock paper scissors!”

“ROCK  ROCK PAPER PAPER PAPER ROCK PAPER!” their shouts could be heard across the hall.

The hyung line laughed hysterically teasing the maknaes “How can three of you think alike and be so unlucky!” exclaimed Jin.

The youngest one mewled “Hyung! You plan this out, the four of you planned to bring that rock out!” his hand moved along with his explanation. Crossing their arm together, Jimin and Taehyung frowned in denial.

“Are you blaming your unlucky charms on us?” Yoongi rolled his eyes.

“Three of you quick! The loser needs to buy drinks for us with your own money” Hoseok smug as his body move side to side feeling a little giddy. Of course, they were into the moment of truth between the youngest in the group. It never failed to amuse the hyungs.

“But I forgot my wallet” said Taehyung with a pout.

“I saw it in your pocket don’t lie Kim Taehyung” Namjoon’s brow quirked up in curiosity. Taehyung might be an actor but he’s bad in lying when it came to lying to their members. Come one, they had been living together for six to seven years to be exact. They could read each other like an open book.

Taehyung shook his head showing no sign of giving up however as he was about to open his mouth “No special treatment for anyone” Seokjin warned sternly.

“You are rich, Gucci boy. Can’t you even afford drinks for your hyungs?” upon hearing Yoongi remarks, Taehyung immediately pursed his lips showing his silent protest. Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung started over with their rock-paper-scissors game until it was decided, Jungkook as the black sheep among the three.

Jimin and Taehyung hopped in sheer happiness “I just spent money for my games” Jungkook scratched the back of his head in hope others would show their empathy on him. As cruel as it may sound, the members wouldn’t care as long as it was not them who needed to chip in the money for this betting.

“Come back safely Jeongukkie!” Namjoon ruffled his hair showing off his dimple smile. Yoongi rummaged through his back, tossing the black mask to Jungkook’s direction “Wear this, you don’t want people to catch you roaming around the city at this time” Jungkook’s eyes glimmered in happiness.

His hyungs really took good care of him in any situation minus the bullying part. Nowadays, Jungkook had step up his games and in return the hyungs got bullied quite often by him. It was no doubt that the members were the one who raised him to be this kind of man. Oh well, he was aware his parents played important role in his life too but when it came to the members, he couldn’t express how grateful he was to have them as his family.

“I will be back soon” putting on the black mask, he exited their practice room. He hated to go out because it made him feel lonely. At this moment, he really wished Jimin were here right now with him, at least he could have a decent and silly conversation with that small guy.

Jungkook pushed the main entrance opened only to come at halt, as a pair of small hand wrapped securely around his wrist. He snapped his head to the person behind him “Hyung? Why are you following me” he gave Jimin a questionable look.

“Do you want me to come with you?” the latter grinned cutely looking a little flushed. Did he really run all way here just to catch Jungkook?

Blinking his eyes in confusion, Jungkook chewed his lower lips doubting his own decision “Hmm, if you are fine with it then I could use a company?” he muttered lowly.

“THEN IM COMING!” Jimin threw his arm around his neck, tiptoeing a little to match Jungkook’s height.  He squealed softly showing off his excitement. Not that he cared, Jimin could be too adorable for anyone to handle even for him. The two boys walked casually side by side making their way to their favourite café. To their dismay, the café was closed earlier than their usual business hour.

Jimin glanced around looking for the sign of any closest coffee shop in the area but there was nowhere to be found. They caught the sight of bubble tea shop across the road “Shall we get tea instead?” he tilted his head to the direction.

“It should be fine, let’s go before they close down” Jimin pulled Jungkook with him upon witnessing the worker inside looking a little busy cleaning the shop. It was a sign that they would close soon.  

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“Im so sorry Seul, I really need to go now, I have group discussion in thirty minutes. Will you be okay closing the shop alone?” Hwasa bit her lower lips in guilt.

“Just go Hwasa. I will be alright, don’t make them wait for you! Wongeun oppa is still here through” she signalled to Wongeun direction.

Hwasa cussed under her breath “Oh god I totally forgot about him! Then you will be fine since it is Wongeun oppa” she took off her apron, hanging it neatly inside the rack. Wongeun looked up “Be careful girl” Hwasa gave him a thumb up before ran to Seul side giving the clueless girl a quick hug.

“Whoops sorry, see you tomorrow Seul-ah!” the girl grabbed her stuff before pushing the door opened.

“Aish be careful Hwasa!” she shouted after her as the girl disappeared from her vicinity in flash. Ji Seul shook her head with a soft sigh as she continued doing her works silently. Wongeun was another friend that she made there, and he was also the manager. Being a manager was just a mere title for him, instead he worked hard like others. In all honesty, Wongeun was a down to earth guy.

Sound of the entrance door being opened making Seul jolted in her position. She thought it was Hwasa since she tended to leave her things behind most of the time. “AHN HWASA WHAT NO-“ she didn’t finish her words as she was taken aback to see two men stood in front her in a black mask.

Were they playing ninja? Seul cussed in her head.

“I am sorry, are you still open?” said the shorter guy. His eyes penetrated hers making her numb for a second, why would she react so strangely in front of these strangers? These two men before her triggered her curiosity. Were there celebrities? Why would they covered themselves as if someone might catch them wandering around the area.

“Ah..We are actually about to-Okay never mind, I can prepare your order. It is not that late” she gestured them to follow her to the counter. Jimin and Jungkook smiled in unison following Seul as their eyes darted towards the menu board.

Seul took their orders patiently, keying it into the system. She took the card from Jungkook completing their payment “Please take a seat, your beverages will be prepared in 10 minutes” she bowed politely.

“Thank you” Jungkook muttered softly under his breath averting his gaze from Seul. He was just being conscious in case Seul is one of their fans or sasaeng fans? Judging from her appearance, she seemed to cause no harm. Again, appearance can be deceiving.

Jimin and Jungkook took a seat at the corner and continued to chatter. Occasionally, they would glance at Seul who seemed engrossed preparing the drinks. They felt bad for making her work extra hour considering they were about to close. Nevertheless, Seul didn’t recognize them it was enough for tonight. They needed a break from screaming fangirls. Tonight, was one of the nights that they yearned to be peaceful and calm.

The ring came from Seul’s phone echoed throughout the room. Jungkook and Jimin were baffled at the familiar music, like they heard it somewhere before. Their brow quirked up in question “Hyung isn’t that our song?” he leaned over whispering lowly.

“Do you think so?”

“It is Young and Forever”

“She is a fan?”

“Since she uses our song as her ringtone, she might be one?” Jungkook sounded positive with his assumptions. Their eyes trailed along to her figure as Seul quickly answered her phone “Hey, Hoon. I’m coming home in a bit. Do you want me to buy you something?” she used her free hand to scoop tapioca pearls inside the drinks.

“Nuna… mom.. she collapsed.. we..are…in the hospital.. I don’t know what to do” she heard Ji Hoon sobbed at the end of the line. Her heart practically stopped beating when she received the news. The drinks in her hand slipped caused Wongeun to run to her side panickily.

“Ji Seul are you okay?” Wongeun flinched looking extremely worried. He saw her hand shaking furiously clutching on the counter for balance.

“Nuna..are..you there…Please..im scared.. what if something happens to mother” Jihoon pleaded frantically. His voice brought her out of her trance, and she managed to reply her little brother “Wait for me I am coming. Text me the address now!” she hung up, taking off her floral apron in hurry.

Flabbergasted Wongeun was waiting for her answers and he inquired her again out of curiosity “What is happening? Did something happen to Hoon?” he watched her grabbing her stuff. Seul shook her head with a small smile “It is my mother. She collapsed, I don’t know. I have to go” the man gasped.

“Seul go, I will take care this thing so do not worry!” he gave her an assuring smile.

Jungkook and Jimin witnessed it all. The moment when she dropped the drinks on the floor, it caught their attention. The boys could tell how worried she was even though she seemed to appear strong on the outside, however the corner of Jungkook’s eyes caught her tears started to cascade down.

It ached his heart.

Odd.

Seul gave a quick bow to Wongeun and not to forget Jimin and Jungkook who had been waiting for their drinks there. She dashed out like a flash leaving them breathless. That was quite a scene for today.

“I am sorry, I will get your drinks prepared really quick” said Wongeun breaking the silence. Jimin and Jungkook only nodded in response as them both exchanged a meaningful look.

Jimin was the first one who broke the silence “Will she be okay?” his fingers fiddle nervously at the hem of his shirt. Deep down inside he really hoped everything would be fine. It was not his business anyways yet since it came down to this he couldn’t help but to sympathy her.

The younger guys threw his glance outside the glass window staring into the darkness with a heavy sigh “I really hope she is okay” he was being sincere.

Jungkook felt himself being overly upset over her situation when he barely knew her.

What was that for again?

This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2020. All Rights Reserved.

[chrisbbaegopayo]

Hold Your Breath (Stray Kids: Stalker AU) ➻ Chapter 3 (part 1)

....

Genre: Thriller, Angst, Gore, Mystery, Suspense Characters: All of Stray Kids, reader, OCs. Word Count: 1.2k Warning: This story will contain elements of gore, on- and off-screen abuse, torture, mental illness, and stalking. It will feature themes that are not suitable for all ages, readers discretion is advised. Each chapter will have its own specific warning.

Sorry for the short post. I’ve managed to hit a very bad case of writer’s block, as well as other things, more on that below. (updates will now be once every two weeks)

Chapters: Premise | 01 Prologue | 02 Chapter one | 03 Chapter two | Chapter three (part 1) | Chapter three (part 2)

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She and Hyunjin ended up getting along really well in class, as they introduced themselves in the timeframe that the professor had given them. She learned that he had been here to earn himself a bachelor’s degree in literature, much like his parents wanted. He had been a pretty hardworking student and liked to participate in extra-curricular activities, although he didn’t really elaborate on which clubs he had joined since attending the university.

It had come to a surprise, then, that he knew who she was. It was kind of strange for her to introduce herself to someone who had already know of her—he did say that he knew of her and knew who she was, but never made an attempt to say anything to her, which, to her, was understandable. University could be somewhat of an intimidating place. And Hyunjin, who kept to himself during classes unless he was asked to participate in group work or class discussions, was naturally relatively inside his head. 

He had a small circle of friends, she learned, of which he had dropped after coming to this university. He told her that he stayed in touch with most of them through social media and that he had missed them. 

They didn’t manage to get too deep into their conversation, although he did tell her that he was in a few of her classes back in first and second year, and much of the reason of keeping to himself most of the time didn’t say anything to her, as they were practically strangers.

Professor Lee stopped the discussion then and then began his first lecture. Much of it had to do with what goals to set at the beginning of the semester, what they would be covering throughout the semester, as well as the many assignments they were expected to do and their due dates that accompanied these assignments. Much to her displeasure, every week, there would be a test that summarized the terms they learned the week before, just to keep them on their toes, apparently. This was probably the most for her, as her memorization skills weren’t the best…

…this would also mean that she would have to do a lot of reading. And note-taking. As much as she enjoyed reading, the mind-numbing technical terms might just defeat her.

However, the silver lining was that there would be some hands-on case studies and there might be field trips planned in the course, although the professor did not specifically say if they were definitely included. As for these field trips, they were still in the process of negotiating some plan, of which professor Lee did not specify.

They also had to write two essays throughout the semester. Great.

As the professor started lecturing, he covered what the meaning of crime was, what each term meant, and how it integrated into society on a very base level. As for the rest of the two-hour lecture, Professor Lee merely just taught through most of the time with interesting examples and various experiences that he had encountered. He made things interesting, and the majority of the class was completely engrossed. The mid-lecture break had gone by and soon, had buzzed by without much of a fuss. 

“All right, remember, class, make sure to read up on chapter 2, pages 60 through to 90! You will be expected to go through it with your teaching assistant in your tutorial later,” Professor Lee said. “Feel free to visit during my office hours should you have any questions or problems regarding class! See you next week!”

She placed her notebook in her bag and looked over at Hyunjin, who looked rather pleased with the class. “Tutorial, huh?”

He nodded and leaned back against his chair. “Yeah, it should be exciting. At least the professor was interesting, hopefully, the teacher assistant will be just as interesting. When do you have yours?”

She pulled up her schedule, and scanned it, trying to figure out which day she had her tutorial. Turned out that she had her tutorial at 11:30 a.m. in two days with a person named F. Lee. And upon showing it to Hyunjin, she was surprised to learn that he also shared the same tutorial. It seemed like a pretty pleasant surprise, she thought. To be in the same class and tutorial—it was as though something was being conveyed to her through this strange arrangement. Or not. It just seemed like a pretty interesting coincidence. 

But life didn’t have coincidences, did they? 

Regardless, the two left the lecture room and went their separate ways after swapping numbers. 

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She had never been so glad to be home. After that stalker fiasco earlier on in the day, she was ready to retire to bed. However, she cracked open the textbook she was required to read for the class and sat at her desk, trying to make some from sense from the lectures. She got a few paragraphs into the reading when her phone buzzed with a text message.

>> Hey I’ve got food Open up OMG bless thank you <<

Jisung seemed to know exactly when was hungry because her stomach grumbled a bit. She went downstairs, and as soon as she got to the door, the doorbell rang, and she opened the door, letting her best friend in.

“You always come at the best time, ever,” she said, ushering him into the house. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Seriously.”

He laughed. “That’s why I’m your best friend, right?”

The two of them ate and chatted about their day and by the time they finished their food, Jisung had gotten up to toss the containers into the recycling bin. 

She stared at her phone for the time being and sighed. She should go back to reading, but she really didn’t want to do any reading that night. It seemed like a great time to just lay back and chill for a little longer until it was time for her to go to bed.

It was still relatively early in the evening—or late afternoon, and perhaps she could just put her feet up and catch up later on.

But then her mind wandered off to the letter she got—it was unsettling.

“Jisung?” 

He made a noise of acknowledgment, while still staring at his phone. 

“I got another letter.”

His fingers that were once tapping away, seemingly mid-text stopped. He placed his phone down and faced her. “What did it say?”

“It was...something like ‘a new semester will start new things’ or something...and then something about more gifts to come,” she recalled.

Something about Jisung’s expression worried her. 

“Did you file the complaint to the school like I said?” He asked.

She shook her head, but then upon seeing his concerned expression deepen, she held up her hands and reassured him that she was going to file it in the upcoming days.

“I haven’t exactly had time, you know, I promise I will—I’ll even let you know! I promise!” 

He sighed, and with a heavy tone, he said, “fine, as long as you know.”

She was about to say something when he leaned over and put his hand atop her head, almost in a maternal gesture.

“I’m just really worried about you, you know? These are just some precautions that you have to take, okay?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, thank you, Jisung, you’re always looking out for me...”

He chuckled, “that’s what I’m here for, remember?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sorry about the lack of updates lately. I’ve managed to land myself in a really deep ditch called writer’s block, and it’s honestly really draining to write when my motivation is zero most of the time. Sorry, it’s been pretty hard most of the time, especially balancing both work and creative writing at the same time. I do writing for my day job too, and every day I’ve pretty much felt like I’ve exhausted most of my writing into work, and the creative juices are NOT flowing into what should belong to creative writing. Hashtag excuses lol.

However, I did find a good way to keep my motivation up—the story is planned out, I know what’s going to happen in the bigger picture, but the details aren’t exactly set. Sometimes if I see an opportunity to implement new ideas, I will, such as relationships between certain characters and their history and such. I do have several pages of notes of the character’s relationships and backstories.

I will be publishing their backstories starting with Hyunjin, and I think it will make for interesting future plot segments. 

As well, I will be changing the updates to every two weeks until I can get out of this really bad writer’s block. 

Whether or not people like to read it or not, I’ll just keep on writing anyway because I genuinely do love creative writing. As well, I have been planning this story for wayyyy too long and even though my execution of the story might be slow and not what my mind wants me to write, I think I want to continue regardless. I’m just really grateful for the readers that I do have, and appreciate the time you invest in my story. Please feel free to poke me/talk to me about the story and let me know what you think of it. I know I haven’t advanced enough into the story for people have a true understanding or grasp of it, but I will be publishing the character’s relationships with each other and how they’re all connected. Because they are.

If I have any jumping tense problem—I’m sorry, I do try my best to catch them while writing, and I will improve and do my best not to disappoint too much.

Thank you! c:

[softhaos]

PURELY PLATONIC

pairing – joshua hong x reader genre – fluff  description – you never expected to find a new friend due to ranting about lee chan. you also never expected to find a dumbass spreading the rumor that you and joshua were suddenly a couple. alternatively, you and joshua are really just friends without benefits but uh, everyone else begs to differ. warning – none word count – 4,774 words author’s note – for once, i’m not writing a crackfic, i think? it came out so much more different than i initially planned (which was basically three months ago sdjjk) either way i hope you enjoy xx

set in the victorious universe | can be read as a standalone

You are going to kill Seokmin. As soon as he fixes the mess, that is. You’d love to end his life right there and then, but his early death wouldn’t solve your wifi issue. There is no plausible explanation on to how Seokmin managed to cause a power outage in your apartment but the fact is: with no electricity available, there’s also no wifi.

Under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. You could go several hours without wifi, that’s not an issue at all.

However, when you have to finish revising your article for the college newspaper and send in the final draft of your work before five in the evening because you value your wellbeing and don’t want Chan bitching at you for approximately a month, it becomes a very big issue. And as much as you like to joke about falling off the stairs, you don’t want to actually die due to Chan latching onto you and expressing his annoyance about your inability to report back in time.

You only have three hours left to edit the word vomit you produced and the next best location where you can work is the Pow Wow café two blocks away from the apartment complex. There really aren’t any downsides to the coffee shop: their coffee is heavenly and the internet connection works just as fine as your own. It’s a genius solution.

What you didn’t calculate into your brilliant masterplan is the peak time at Pow Wow. You realize that the moment you step inside the café.

The interior hits the mark of comfort and zero tackiness. Black and red pillows are lying on the couches and give the place more life besides the pale green and beige accents on the wall. There’s a reason why Pow Wow is pretty much considered the best café on campus grounds. The loud chatters blend in with the Bob Marley song that’s playing in a moderate volume from the speakers and become almost inaudible to you as you scan the place for a free table. The disappointment strikes you hard since all you are met with are unfamiliar faces. Whenever you spot a free seat, either the clutter on the table refrains you from claiming it or the person just returned from their refill back to their clutter. The odds are definitely not in your favor today.

At this point, you’re already dialing Mingyu’s phone number in the hopes that he could pick you up and let you abuse his (very shitty) wifi. Any internet connection suffices, you figure, and if the next best thing is Mingyu’s horrible wifi, you just have to suck it up. Your plan C for everything has always been Mingyu and so far, it has always worked out.

Except for this time, it doesn’t.

“Please leave a message after the–” you don’t bother speaking into the answering machine and slip your phone back into your pocket. Maybe you shouldn’t have expressed your desperate need to behead Seokmin, that’s possibly the reason why the odds are not in your favor at all.

Nonetheless, since you’re already here, you might as well get your hourly dose of caffeine.

“Anything else?” the barista – Minki is his name according to the name tag – asks as he writes your name on the cup before sliding it to his coworker. The overly bright smile that is bound to be a forced one never leaves his lips.

“A good wifi connection and some silence,” you shoot back intuitively.

Startled by the given answer, Minki raises a brow and nods understandingly. “Ah, I wish I could have those privileges too.”

He’s about to add something when one of the other workers call your name, a sign that your order is done. You send him an apologetic, fleeting glance before you scurry off and grab your drink.

Cup in one hand and phone in the other, you’re about to dial pretty much every contact you have in hopes that at least someone would be so kind enough and give you their wifi. You’re almost by the door when you suddenly collide against someone and stagger. But before you end up on the ground facedown, warm hands have a firm grip on your shoulders and prevent you from losing balance. Surprisingly, you don’t spill your coffee or drop your phone.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I–” your mind goes blank and the words lingering on your tongue are forgotten when you see his face.

“You sure?” he asks again, brows furrowed in worry. His jet black hair is messy from the wind and some strands reach down to his eyes. However, you still recognize him faintly even if his appearance is different than usual.

“You’re Joshua from Professor Ahn’s composing class, aren’t you?” you blurt out and immediately regret sounding so ecstatic. If it weren’t for your both hands that were already holding something, you would’ve clamped your mouth shut. Judging by Joshua’s startled reaction, you might have as well beamed at him.

“Uh…” he chuckles lightheartedly but is still weirded out, “Y/N, we’ve been in the same course since the beginning of the semester, which by the way, started a month ago.”

“I only ever see you with glasses, so excuse me for not recognizing you right away,” you improvise and scrunch up your nose when you brought up the glasses. Technically, you didn’t lie to him. Up until now, you’ve really only met him with specs perched on his nose.

You haven’t talked a lot with him – scratch that, you’ve never exchanged a word with him before. There has never been a reason for you to approach him and even if you wanted to approach him at the end of a lesson, he’d rush out the classroom as fast as the wind. If you’re not mistaken, he’s pretty much the first person to be present before the lesson and the first to leave the lesson.

Joshua seems to believe you and rubs the back of his head. “I really do look different without glasses, huh? But back to the point. You looked awfully stressed just a moment ago.”

“Karma,” you deadpan, “Or long story short: A friend of mine trashed my wifi, he’s fixing it at the moment but I have to submit my article for the newspaper in a few hours unless I want Chan haunting me.”

Joshua feels the pain to well and cringes at the mention of Chan as if you had set off a foul memory of his. “Chan can be… a handful.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. Who does he think he is, running around and acting as if he were God?” at this point, you already lost track of time just ranting about the head editor of the official college newspaper. You must’ve been complaining about your life dilemmas for so long that one guy rudely tells you to not block the way to the exit. That was the incentive for Joshua to pull you away and one moment later, you’re sitting right in front of him.

You’re about to let out all your pent up anger about Seokmin on him when he interrupts with a small smile and hand gesture.

“If you want to rant on, I’ll be glad to lend you an ear. But seeing as it’s five pm in a few hours and you still haven’t sent in the final draft to Chan, I suggest you work on that first.”

“That’s awfully nice of you,” you mumble after a moment of silence. That doesn’t stop you from pulling out your notebook and setting it on the smooth wooden surface.

Your comment triggers a wholehearted chuckle. Joshua slightly tilts his head back but quickly recovers after taking a sip from his refill. “Chan’s wrath? Been there, done that. I wouldn’t even want to have the people I dislike go through that.”

“That bad?” you inquire playfully.

“Think Professor Jang’s wrath but a little less Professor Jang.”

You almost choke.

“That’s it. I really have to pull myself together,” you say monotonously and open your article about this year’s talent admission contest. A quick glance at the clock suffices to get your gears working at lightning speed. You still manage to swallow a frustrated groan when you look at the word vomit and suddenly realize how much editing is really needed for this piece.

You may have successfully refrained your voice from exposing your misery, however, your face speaks for itself. You don’t bother to look up or you refuse when Joshua asks, “Need help?”

“If you can help me edit this article, you’re my lifesaver,” you shoot back instantly while keeping your eyes glued to the screen.

Joshua snorts in response. “I used to work on a project with him. Several times, actually. I don’t usually speak highly of myself, but I am confident that I know what floats his boat and what doesn’t.”

This time it’s your turn to let out a burst of laughter. “People still use that saying?”

“That’s Chan’s language when he’s feeling really artistic.” Joshua grins before he stands up and occupies the chair beside you. In the blink of an eye, he’s suddenly leaning towards you and meddles with your laptop so that he can also view the screen. You don’t miss how his eyeballs almost fall out of their sockets as he quickly skims through the words. “Did you write a novel or something? And you’re crazy enough to edit this monster by yourself?”

“Look, I get carried away easily–”

“Samuel Kim deserves better,” he reads out loud and you feel the blood draining from your face.

“...and I tend to be very subjective,” you trail off. Suddenly, editing your article by yourself seemed like the better option. Maybe even having Chan pestering you is the better–

Okay, that’s definitely a lie. You’re not going to finish that thought.

“Let me just share the link so I can access the draft from my own laptop,” Joshua suggests as if he were asking for your permission first. That seems to go down the drain as his nimble fingers are already working fast while he’s speaking. It doesn’t bother you though.

What follows after he accessed your article from his own device is comfortable silence. Besides the occasional comment from his side concerning your statements about some contestants (he was very persistent about the runner-up Ha Yoonbin in particular) and the background chatter, the main sound you perceive is your fingers feverishly hitting the letters on the keyboard.

The two of you are so engrossed in editing the article that you barely process the time. It’s when Joshua returns to the table after grabbing a refill for the two of you that you wonder how long you’ve been working on the text. Your heart stops beating when you realize that you only have five minutes left before the deadline.

However, after skimming through the visibly shorter word vomit than before, you deem the article as fair enough and send Chan the final draft.

With the weight finally lifted off your shoulders, a wave of relief washes over you.

“Joshua, you're my lifesaver. I'm dead serious here,” you say while gazing at him with an equally serious face. “By the way, thanks for the refill. Wait a sec, I'll grab my wallet—”

“It's on me,” he cuts you off and sets the cup on your table before you can refuse. “Seriously, it's no big deal. I'm glad I could help.”

Your eyes flicker from him to the cup and then back to his face. Shooting him an incredulous stare, you set your fist on the table to prove a point. However, he doesn't seem impressed judging by the quirked brow and waits for you to elaborate.

“It doesn't work like this. You don't spontaneously help me out with an over 20,000-word article and buy me a coffee. On top of that, you don't want to be paid back? That's unacceptable!” you declare and demonstratively repeat your action.

A fond smile paves its way onto his face. He attempts to say something but always pulls back in the last moment. So after what feels like a moment of silence too long, he proposes, “Fine, if you really insist, then you owe me one. I don't know when it'll come in handy but let's say I need some help with an assignment for composing class, you'll have to help me out. Deal?”

“Fine by me. But what about the coffee?”

Joshua’s eye twitches. It's a faint movement, barely visible if you don't pay enough attention yet you still pick it up. You refrain yourself from pointing it out though.

“How about you buy me one coffee as we continue our discourse about things Chan does that annoy us some other day?” he inquires after a while, fingers tapping an irregular beat on his cup.

You detect the playfulness in his tone but you also know he isn't completely joking regarding this matter.

A smile erupts on your lips.

“Text me whenever you're free or feeling like it.”

You really did spend several hours at Pow Wow ranting about Chan and his antics. Along the way, you might have found more topics you could collectively complain about or praise that led to a second platonic date.

And a third.

And more after.

Sometimes your conversations even escalated into a debate about the talent admission contest a few weeks back.

(“Ha Yoonbin should've won and any other opinion is invalid!”

“Well, in the end, you're Boo Boo the Fool because believe it or not, Yoon Jeonghan won the contest fair and square!”

“I don't deny his talent but Ha Yoonbin!!!”)

Either way, new topics led to more meetings and at this point, you lost count of the number of times you and Joshua have hung out. He’s easy to banter with and to an outsider, it may seem as if you two have known each other for ages. It’s borderline scary how quickly Joshua picks up your humor and therefore, it also doesn’t take too long for you to clown him the way you clown Seokmin–

You admit you clown him a little less than Seokmin. Nonetheless, his reactions are priceless and it’s not your fault that he gives you enough material to tease him about.

“One day, the broken glass song will rise again,” you promise him, observing his every reaction.

He groans in response and hides his face behind his hands. “Don’t you dare bring it up again.”

“How can’t I? Your meme-worthiness is on the same level as the backpack kid!”

He gives you a death stare but it comes off as a pathetic attempt of a glare, almost whimsical even. The cold look never suited him in the first place, you think because his features are all soft and it’s simply impossible to look unapproachable with his face.

“Don’t compare me with him, Jesus Christ.”

You chuckle lightheartedly and raise your arms in defense. “I was just messing with you! Okay, fine, I’ll shut up about it.”

“Thank you.”

“For now.”

Joshua looks like he’s about to kill you. His eyes might not say so but the rest of his actions do. You don’t miss the way his hands grip his mug tighter, causing his veins to show up slightly. However, he keeps his artificially sweet smile and resorts to changing the topic.

“Jokes aside, I need some help concerning a song.”

That catches your interest. “A song, you say?”

“I feel like some of the lyrics are off,” he explains and finishes his coffee. “Besides, you still owe me that.”

He’s right. While you have spent a lot of time together, the situation where he would need your help hasn’t arisen up until now. Of course, you haven’t forgotten that – even if your memory wasn’t the best, you couldn’t ever forget that he helped you with your article.

That’s how you end up in his bedroom of the apartment he shares with Kim Taehyung, another Seoul Arts student whose major you don’t recall. All you know is that he’s very invested in stage plays but is never the main role of any play. Oh, and he mixes very delicious cocktails.

Joshua’s room is fairly big, but it’s surprisingly very clean. His bed is neatly made, there’s no clutter on his desk by the window, there’s no book missing on his shelf and the several guitars he owns are standing side by side, right next to the closet.

Your eyes flit through the lyrics Joshua handed to you while he’s busy tuning his guitar. The lyrics are cute, endearing even – what else do you expect from a love song titled “falling for u”? It seems as if Joshua’s love (or addiction) for coffee is so strong that he even included it in his lyrics.

“So tell me truthfully–” you look up and smirk “– who is the muse for this song?”

At that moment, Joshua’s cheeks take a faint shade of red. “There is none,” he mumbles and adds in a louder voice, “Anyway, should I sing you the song?”

“Don’t bullshit me,” you scoff because there’s no way that he just came up with the lyrics without a person in mind. The words are too personal for that matter. “If it makes you feel more at ease, I promise I won’t tell anyone and if I do, I’ll buy your coffee until the end of the year.”

As if he doesn’t believe it, his eyes go wide. But as fast as he widened, he squints as you suspiciously just as swiftly. “You do know I drink a lot of coffee. Your wallet is going to suffer,” he points out slowly.

You roll your eyes and prop your chin on your palm. “Of course I’m well aware of that. That’s exactly why I said it.”

Joshua studies you hard, conflicted whether he should really trust you or not. His muse for this song must really be someone he’s really crushing on, you figure. While it is some very valuable information and definitely something you can tease him with, you’d never go behind his back and pass it on to others. That’s a big, red no-no.

“Fine, but you really can’t tell anyone else,” he warns and you nod frantically while you move to a sitting position on his bed.

“So uh…” he rubs the back of his head and avoids your gaze, “It’shmmnhung.”

You cock your head to the side, thousand invisible question marks floating over your head. “Who?”

Joshua stares at you, silently asking you if you were serious and turns as red as a tomato. However, he sighs once and repeats his sentence much clearer. “It’s. Kim. Min. Kyung.”

Your last functioning brain cells only process the name slowly. You blink at him dumbfoundedly several times until you finally matched the name with a face. When the realization finally hits you, you nearly fall off the bed.

“What?! You do know she has a girlfriend, right?! This–” you screech while waving around with the lyric sheet, “–is downright a confession, so what were you even thinking?!”

“Of course I do!” Joshua replies in the same frantic manner before elaborating, “This song was written before Minkyung and Yaebin got together and yes, I’ve stopped crushing on her. She was just the inspiration for this song and I find this song too good to dump it.”

“Good.” you nod appreciatively and cooled down from the shock. “I mean, not only good that you’re not going to be petty and break them up or something but good that you’re confident in your songs too.”

“I try to.” he shrugs.

“It’s a start.” you wave your hand as a sign for him to start singing. “Now show me what you’ve got, Mister I-try-to-be-confident-in-my-songs.”

You’ve never heard Joshua sing before, so naturally, you’re mesmerized by his voice from the moment he starts singing. His voice isn’t all too powerful and you doubt he can belt like Seokmin, but his tone is smooth and sweet like honey and the guitar just complements his vocal color. The song is simple in itself but you can already imagine the number of people listening to this while they study.

“I’m falling for you–” he sings with closed eyes and you note the small smile taking over his lips. He really must’ve liked Minkyung a lot.

And suddenly, the door flings open.

“Shua, can you believe? Jeongguk managed to get me tickets to that one show in Hongdae– oh?” Taehyung struts into the room, blue hair messily falling above his eyes but he instantly stops in his tracks when he sees you on the bed while Joshua’s sitting on the carpeted floor.

“–once again.” Joshua’s voice slowly drops into his normal talking voice and shoots him an incredulous stare.

“Uh, I didn’t know you had a guest. You should’ve texted me.” Taehyung’s eyes flicker from you, then to his roommate and then back to you. But once he has calmed down, he puts on a bright smile and addresses you. “I’m Taehyung by the way. I’ve seen you around campus, you’re an acting major if I remember correctly?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” you admit and return the smile. “I’m Y/N.”

“Y/N, huh? Isn’t Joshua just great at singing and composing?”

“I mean, it’s the first time I hear him sing so I can’t be the judge of that yet–” you earn a huff from the said boy but don’t react to it, “–but so far, he’s promising.”

“You hear that, Shua? You’re promising!” Taehyung beams at an irritated Joshua. “If only he was just as promised when it comes to getting a relationship,” he sighs and lays a hand on his chest as if he were in deep pain.

“Oh, cut it off, Tae. I’m perfectly fine.” Joshua rolls his eyes in a playful manner.

“Well, with this song, he definitely would have someone by his side by now,” you singsong and scrunch your nose. This was a golden opportunity to pull the former Minkyung crush card on him.

Joshua seems to take the hint and tries to silence you with a subtle glare. “Stop that–”

“He would?” Taehyung asks curiously, gaze switching from you to the other guy.

“Tae, stop asking and Y/N, don’t answer–”

“Definitely, if only things were different. Right, Shua?” you stick out your tongue at him as an act of rebellion.

By now, Joshua’s ears have taken on a shade of red and he can no longer hide his embarrassment. The scowl that follows just contributes to it. “I did not ask for this clownery.”

“Fine, I’ll leave. Have fun, you two!” Taehyung says, points finger guns at his roommate and sends him a suggestive grin before he leaves you alone and closes the door quietly.

“By the way,” Joshua speaks up a few moments later, “You’re the only one who knows the crush thing – not even Taehyung knows. So I’d really appreciate it if you kept it for yourself.”

That new information genuinely surprised you. You were quite positive that he also knew and would like to dig deeper. However, you know that he has his reasons for not confiding in his roommate so you refrain from doing so.

Instead, you just coo, “Aw, so I’m the only one trustworthy enough to know of your former crush on Minkyung. Cute.”

You’re pretty sure you weren’t drunk last night and married a stranger you met. You’re pretty sure you didn’t even go out last night.

But the handful of people congratulating you for landing a boyfriend makes you doubt your memory.

You’re busy packing out your lunch when Seokmin startles you from behind.

“I thought I was your best friend!”

“What?” you shriek and look at him flabbergasted, spoon almost slipping out of your grip.

“I can’t believe I heard the news from someone else,” he whines and occupies the seat beside you with a hurt and slightly offended expression.

“Hold up.” you freeze and squint at him. “What are you even talking about?”

“You dating Joshua and not telling me first! That’s what I’m talking about,” he groans as if it were the most obvious thing ever and sulks even more.

This can’t be happening again for fuck’s sake–

“Joshua and I are just friends,” you explain cooly and probably for the 30th time in a span of three hours.

“Oh yeah, and that’s why Taehyung found you in Joshua’s bed and flirting with Joshua when he came home,” Seokmin grunts before he raises a questioning brow at you and leans in closer. “Unless he’s not telling the truth?”

Your jaw almost falls open.

Oh. So Taehyung, huh.

“I mean, he saw me sitting on Joshua’s bed...” you start as you recall your first meeting, “...but that doesn’t mean–”

“So you’re not denying it!” Seokmin cuts you off with a slam on the table. You flinch at the loud smack but luckily, nobody else in the cafeteria seems to notice. The place is quite loud anyway, so no one was going to pay attention to you anyway. “I’m truly happy for you but I’m also disappointed in you for not coming to me first.”

The timing couldn’t have been any better. While Seokmin resumes sulking a fucking lot, a familiar figure enters your peripheral vision. At some point, Seokmin notices your disinterest in him and follows your line of sight.

“Hey, there’s your boyfriend,” he points out.

You don’t even bother correcting him and slowly set down your spoon. “If you excuse me,” you mutter halfheartedly before you get up and walk towards Joshua, who’s standing alone.

No words need to be exchanged for you to leave the scene and talk alone in silence. Just like you, he wears desperation and tiredness on his face and you conclude that he must’ve been bombarded with congratulatory wishes too.

Once you have found a somewhat lonely spot on campus, you go straight to the point.

“Nobody is buying my words when I say it’s a misunderstanding.”

Joshua doesn’t answer right away. He takes his time to choose his words carefully and sort out his thoughts. The sigh of exasperation that leaves his lips after a while makes his frustration clearer.

“God, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have–” his mind is a jumbled mess right now, you can tell, and he readjusts the glasses perched on his nose before starting anew. “Taehyung–”

“Look, it happened, okay? It’s not even your fault.” you shrug but can’t help but sigh too. “I admit, it’s annoying that everyone is now talking about it and I doubt they’ll shut up soon.”

You settle into silence. But unlike the previous times, this silence is deafening and downright heavy. There’s no comfort in this void as you just stand there and try to figure out what to say next. Normally, you would either crack a joke or resort to a different topic, but neither seem like the right option.

The silence is deafening and downright a burden and remains one even when you’re the one to speak up first.

“This may sound bad but I swear it’s not as bad as you think. Plus, I think it’s the only way to get out of this mess.”

“Hm?” is the only sound he makes to let you know that he’s listening.

“Why don’t we just go with it?”

You dare a peek at him and find him sending you wordless questions. His brows are scrunched together and he looks so helpless, trying to understand your proposal.

“Nobody will believe us if we keep denying it. We might as well act as if we were dating and after a while, break up,” you elaborate and look away. Now that you said it out loud, it’s really a ridiculous solution. It’s blatantly stupid and idiotic and the worst idea ever–

It’s the only idea you have though.

You want to say something but he beats you to it.

“So you’re saying that we should fake date.”

“Yup.”

“We just have to hold hands to make it believable and then fake a breakup. That should work out. We don’t have anything to lose anyway, now do we?” Joshua smiles weakly in an attempt to lighten the mood. You go along with it.

“Is that a yes?” you raise a brow at him, the corners of your mouth slightly tugging upwards.

His eyes twinkle as he links his arm with yours.

“I prefer boyfriend, but whatever floats your boat.”

[tiny-personal-university-thing]

How I Went From Academic Probation to the Dean’s List in One Semester

Introduction

So if you haven’t read it and want to understand the full story, I recommend reading this post right here (x) Long story short, while yes, I did have very poor physical and mental health that contributed to my academic probation, I also could have been more organized and overall a better student, and maybe I would have not had the best grades - but still maintained “good standing.” My first two semesters were rough. Then I took two semesters off. When I came back this semester, I was determined to succeed and essentially, I learned how to be the best college student I could be. Albeit, this was also after I regained control over my health. Nonetheless, let’s get into it!

I took some time off from school 

First of all, what helped me the most was taking two semesters off. I won’t lie to any of you. I took this time to see pain management doctors, receive treatment for my 6 bulged discs that contributed to my chronic pain, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and re-learned how to live my life, I got my anxiety disorder under control, and I worked 40+ hours a week serving and bartending to become more financially independent - which helped my anxiety. During this time I also learned to be honest with my support system (advisors, close friends, and family), which also contributed to my success this semester.

I forced myself to use a planner religiously (for about a month) until it became an unbreakable habit

I forced myself to use a planner religiously (about a month) until it became an unbreakable habit. Planners are the biggest tool when becoming more organized. During syllabus week, I took my dad’s advice and wrote down every due date, even if it was TBA. This allowed me to be “ahead of the curve.” I am not taken by surprise by any assignments now. 

Using my planner, I create artificial due dates for myself that are a day or two before the actual, posted due date. This ensures that my assignments are turned in early, or if something goes wrong in submitting them (if online) then I can make my professor/instructor aware of the issue beforehand so that something can be done. Write: “Have X turned in by today!” 

Do your best to also not only stay “on top of” assignments, but also ahead of them. It is better to work ahead and have nothing to do (or due) for the remainder of the week than to be overwhelmed by copious amounts of work and studying.

I took pride in my work

I took pride in my work/notes, and set out to create work/notes that would impress peers (if they saw my work) or impress my professor upon grading my assignments. I specifically set out to “wow” people with what I was creating. This lead me to the studyblr community specifically with my notes.

I emailed my professors literally all the time

I emailed my professors consistently. Even if I had a question that could have waited until the next class - I emailed my professors. They were able to learn my names, and my grades are awesome because of it.

I participated in class 

I participated in class. Not only do I sit in the front of the class because I can’t see (ya girl isn’t good about wearing her glasses) but I also do this because professors “teach to the T” This basically means that professors teach mostly to students who sit in the front row, and students that sit down the aisles. So imagine a classroom, and imagine which desks would make a T-shape. That’s where you want to sit. I also make sure to contribute to class discussions. When you sit up front, you are less inclined to be on your phone or doing miscellaneous things on your laptop. Your eyes will be drawn to your professor, you will feel more compelled to answer their questions, and you will pay better attention. With this being said, I was always the student that had to sit in front because I can’t see, but I was also always the teacher’s pet.

I purchased cool/cute study supplies that made me want to study

Buy materials that make you want to take notes with them. I really like Five Star notebooks. I also really like taking notes with Crayola SuperTips. Create notes that are easy for you to review later. 

Which brings me to my next tip: actually review those notes later. 

Tried and true study apps like Quizlet saved my semester

I utilize study-apps like Quizlet. I know that there are many out there; however, I prefer the tried and true method of good ole Quizlet.

Pay your advisor a visit. They do not judge you!

I make appointments to see my advisors regularly. Advisors can help you if anything begins to go awry. I also made an appointment with the same advisors, so that I didn’t have to re-explain my situation. They never judged me. They can provide you with materials and resources for any issue you’re having. I am always blown away every time I meet with my advisors because they know their jobs so well. 

I sat my butt down and did my work

I didn’t exactly “time block” study time because that doesn’t really work for me. However, when I had time after work or whenever - I sat down at my desk and made time for assignments. I highly recommend the Pomodoro Technique. You set a timer for 15-25 minutes, focus on your work during that time, and then take a 5-10 minute break before continuing. Usually, you will find that you either just want to go ahead and finish up or that you definitely needed a break. 

I created a study space that I love. It is really miscellaneous and not at all what you see on the majority of studyblrs, but it works for me. I love my desk! 

Buy some expos and a white board in addition to using your planner

I use a white board in addition to my planner to write down upcoming dates for the next week/entire month. I use a different color for each class as well as miscellaneous things I need to get done. When I have completed something, I just erase it. 

Treat yo self

I congratulated myself for little victories. 96 on a test? Ice cream for you tonight, babes. 

Figure yourself out as a scholar

I learned how and where I studied best. My two spots are in the library or at my desk in my room. I also seem to study best with someone else around me, like when my boyfriend is playing his video games - that is the perfect time for me to study. Do you study best with zero distractions, or do you like to work with some music on? Do you like background noise from the TV or completely silent? Are you a night owl or a morning bird? Figure out those things first. You can’t force yourself to study at a time when it doesn’t work for you. For example, I am a night owl so I know that evening - night is the best time for me to get to work. 

I learned what ritual worked best for me. Having a cup of coffee while I do my make up, and then ensuring that I was out at the bus stop at least 5 minutes before the bus was scheduled to come, and making sure that I got on the bus that came no later than 30 minutes before my class. Know your routine. What routine works for you? 

The obvious

Go to class. Easiest one. Attendance policies can be brutal. Get to know yours. Sometimes professors also say things in class that gives those who attended the upper hand in some way. 

I started this studyblr! Knowing I wanted to create content here kept me driven to take notes when I didn’t always want to. 

I was honest with myself 

I was honest with myself for my short comings. AP classes in high school were beneficial in many ways, but they really taught me how to underachieve my way to success. I hardly ever studied for anything and bs’ed so many essays, but it worked and I got really good grades. That doesn’t really work in college. 

Non-curriculum based 

I learned to say no. 

I learned to cut people who did not fully support me out of my life. 

I cleaned my apartment and room every weekend. It’s much easier to study when everything is clean.

I made time to go to the grocery store every week. It’s much easier to learn and function when you are well fed. 

I did my best to get some sleep. Your brain needs rest to function its best.

I know it hurts, but check those grades frequently. It isn’t like a credit score, it won’t lower every time you check it

I checked all of my grades at least once a week. I know it can be anxiety-inducing, but you have to know where you are in your classes, especially when April rolls around and you might realize you need to put in a little more work.

I became a point whore

I became a point whore. I took advantage of every extra credit opportunity. Every single one. 

The golden rule

I made up a golden rule: Do not cram for any exam. To do this, I always started studying once my professor mentioned the test OUTSIDE of the syllabus. If you have dropped the ball and the test is a week out - create a study plan. 

Believe in yourself

Lastly, I believed in myself. You cannot do this if you do not believe that you can.

Remember that you can do anything you set your mind to. Start shouldering the burden now by forging good habits. Be honest with yourself. Lastly - dreams don’t work unless you do. I had a lot going on with my health that lead to my grades being terri - yeah they were terrible. But I still was honest about my shortcomings. 

Happy studying, realistic students!

[howtosucceedinschool]

My Planning System (Part 1): Systemist

Over the years I have found certain guiding principles very important to my planning system. The most important principle is to write every tiny detail down and get it out of my head. I find that this greatly reduces anxiety, leads to calmer and clearer thinking, and allows for better visualization of a. what is coming up and b. how I could be using my time. I primarily rely on an app called ToDoist. ToDoist is a free application available on both Android and Apple products and they also have a website for when you are using the computer. 

The creator of the application, Amir Salihefendic, relies on a more robust organization system which he created and called “Systemist”, which is very similar to what I use.  I happen to have started planning this way before I stumbled on the name Systemist, and the explanation of the system.

The way I plan, and the way Systemist functions, is very similar to a paired down version of Getting Things Done. Many of the Systemist Principles originated from the GTD system, but many of the less functional and less universal aspects of GTD were eliminated from Systemist

Principle #1: Take your planning system and to do lists everywhere

Literally everywhere. This principle lends itself best to using some sort of digital planning system because they are the most compact and portable. However, many people prefer paper systems such as Bullet Journal, Erin Condren, and Filofax. However, if you are using a paper system size and bulk really do matter. If you ever take a smaller bag or have a lot to carry do you sometimes leave your planner or bullet journal at home? If yes, its time to re-evaluate that system. Consider digital planning, using a smaller notebook, or using some combination of things. Personally, my favorite planner is a Filofax A5 Malden Ochre. However, that planner is huge, and more fit for desk use. So I sometimes just leave it and update it at home, or sometimes I take it to school in my backpack. But, I almost never take it with me to places other than school. Therefore, I use it in combination with my digital planning system (ToDoist and Google Calendar). 

Principle 2: “Capture” Everything

As I mentioned in the introduction to this post, I am a HUGE believer in writing things down. I never keep anything in my brain (unless I have to memorize information for a test). Every time I am given something new to remember, I make sure to write it down immediately, along with all of the relevant data. This eliminates stress and anxiety because there is no more worrying about having forgotten something. Ideally, I like to capture every thought as soon as I think of it, and every commitment as soon as I make it, which is part of why it's so important that I be able to take my system everywhere.

It is also really important to have an organized system for “capturing” documents and papers. Your system inevitably falls apart if you write down “complete worksheet for math class” but then lose, or misplace, the worksheet. I will talk more about how I keep track of important papers in another blog post.

Principle 3: Break Things into Small Tasks

Have you ever written something on your checklist, worked on it, but not completed it and then wondered “well, what now?” When I first started college, this was a common occurrence, especially when I studied or did homework. Maybe I needed to study for my History test. I would write that down on my to-do list, and then I would study. But often I felt that I wasn’t “done” studying at the end of the day; I needed to review more the next day. Was that task done? Not done? Sure I could write it on both days, but those systems tend to get confusing. Once I learned about Getting Things Done, and Systemist, the answer was so simple! Write down all the details and steps and check them off individually.

I might start with “Study for History Test” but then I might think about all of the actual steps and make a more complete list: 

1. Review notes

 2. Make flash cards 

3. Practice flashcards by myself

 4. Get friend to quiz me using flashcards

 5. Meet with teacher to discuss things I’m still confused about 

6. Make mind map

Etc. Etc.

If I am feeling particularly stressed out, these lists might get even more detailed. Under “review notes” I might list each individual chapter. Going back to the idea of capturing, I will also record details as I go. For instance, I might keep actual written notes on what I need to discuss with the teacher/professor.

Principle 4: Prioritize

Prioritize by setting and reviewing due dates, and by using other principles which I have discussed in other blog posts such as Eat that Frog (most important task first thing in the morning) and 1-3-5 (1 large task, 3 medium tasks, 5 small tasks)

Principle 5: Getting to “zero” daily

Zero doesn’t necessarily mean finishing everything on your to-do list. That’s unrealistic. Rather, it means taking time at the end of every day to evaluate all of the remaining tasks, decide whether they still need to get done, and come up with a plan to tackle them in the future. Often, this means making a plan to do it first thing the next morning, but sometimes I might need to reschedule for a later date. Either way I need to make sure that they are written down in a place where they will get reviewed again at the right time. Remember, the key is to keep nothing in your brain.

I hope that all of this made sense and helps you stay on top of things next semester. If you have any questions about my system feel free to send me a message. Also, if you are considering signing up for Todoist, please use my referral link (click here). Using my referral doesn’t cost you anything, but it helps me reduce the cost of my membership.

[rhythmic-idealist]

A short while ago, when I was loudly narrating a barrage of “everything that’s making me upset right now,” @commanderfraya​ posed the question (paraphrased, here, from something like three separate questions in a set of about six) “what is the path I can set myself on that is going to be the thing that clears my Soul Gem, instead of just hypothetically caring about so much that I put out and work for an abstract idea of good and shrivel up into a Grief Seed?”

(@commanderfraya, I do not expect you to read this through. I do not expect ANYONE to read this through. It’s tagged to you as a thank-you, and a very, very heartfelt one.)

With that in mind, I’m thinking out loud about the life plan, and because I’m really, really excited about what I’m coming up with you all can come along with me.

(The place where this started, when I wrote that sentence, is not where it ended up. I want to reread this, connect all the little dots I’m missing or refusing to, and get that excited again.)

Cons of studying music therapy:

have to contend with potentially ableist professors and readings

with certainty, have to contend with some ableist professional relationships

the culture around studying music therapy (at least in my school, which was very “we’ll know if you’re one of us,” and there were other things too) is what burned me out so hard last time

I don’t want to be a classical music performer, and I have to study classical music performance

Pros of studying music therapy:

get to be a music therapist. The fact that this makes me as absolutely giddy as it does is conclusive proof imo that this is actually what I want to do, but wait, if that’s not proof enough that I love and feed off of music therapy as a passion, there’s more:

get the credibility to run a music therapy student podcast. I would be SO EXCITED about this guys, you cannot believe, I started sitting here and planning it out and then went “wait. shit. I have ZERO credibility.” (that’s why this post is happening.) and if I do the podcast NOW, the inevitable question of my involvement with music therapy will come up, and then the inevitable question of why I left after a semester, and I’m not prepared to answer that publicly yet. but listen. discussions with various disability advocates, or just friends, or professors, about recent papers published. interviews with local music therapists. interviews with musicians, too, and psychologists, and social workers, child development professionals, people who manage NICUs, and so on and so on. but I’m REALLY excited about 1) interviews with music therapists and 2) chances to broadcast, to the music therapy community at large, my take on current research.

I will have accommodations and a diagnosis on file. saying “I know I have some trouble with communication, and won’t know it’s an assignment unless you tell me ‘this is an assignment, and this is the due date,’ and that’s why I don’t have the thing you expected me to have this week” should really be enough, but I’ve learned from experience that if you say “I’m diagnosed with autism and-” people will IMMEDIATELY go “oh, so you need-” and repeat back what I just said.

The big, looming spectre over all of this:

things I can’t publish on Tumblr. There’s a possibility I will tangle very scarily with the administration of the school I studied at. There’s a possibility that doing this will impact my future career, at other schools.

So the pros win, genuinely, because I think all of the cons can be solved. The answer to the first two is “I love advocating for myself and others, and will be damn loud about it” and “I will have accommodations and a diagnosis on file.” 

The answer to the third is I will just have to pull through and make it my own education and my own take on everything anyway and that’ll be enough, and because I will have accommodations and I will be good at what I do, I will have the grades to get through and the quality of work for a letter of rec and that is all that matters, 

The answer to the fourth is that I’m growing more disciplined in classical practice, and this summer is my test run for that. It’s proving doable and rewarding. I love how my bass sounds on Bach chorales.

THE PLAN, then, and this is the part that’s just really good:

Finish my AA in music. I’m going into my second semester of that, and will, after it, have two more before I have a degree in music (with a focus on classical performance) and will transfer.

One major, major complaint was “in the meantime people are still being deported and homeless and suicidal and every other fucking thing I care about and I’m really going to be, with all that going on, with the time I could spend dedicated to fixing these problems, with the knowledge I could have been a social worker by next year if I started down that path already - I’m going to turn away from at least some opportunities to volunteer and to take to the streets to be a musician?”

So when I turn 21, I’m going to become a CASA volunteer.

This requires me to be really, really reliable and take a child’s life and future into my hands. The fortunate thing is that I know for a fact I can do this. I am putting in pointed and concerted effort to become a reliable person. It is hard work, and I am going to be able to keep doing it.

I have a job offer, part-time, for the preschool social-emotional-development-through-music program with which I’m currently interning.

Everything, literally everything, takes a backseat to:

the CASA job.

the college work - AA-central coursework first, and optionally ASL, because my mother is hard of hearing and losing her hearing progressively and it is that important.

the part-time job.

This is going to be fulfilling because protesting, other volunteerism, and political work is still going to be happening but in the backseat position it has been in, but the difference is that I will be doing a world of concrete good in my work and as a CASA volunteer. (The rest is what I’ve scrolled back up to add, because yeah, I cut this short.)

So then what? Then I study music therapy, which means I’ve moved away from home. What happens then?

The music therapy podcast. I organize it by myself, because I want to, though I frequently invite other students to collaborate on episodes.

Or I organize it with a friend, if I find a friend like Amy again. Not saying "Amy who” here for anonymity, but she has been my best friend for a long, long time.

Work. How am I working? Is music freelancing enough? Do I want to take a break before my transfer, and if so, how to I spend it meaningfully? Do I want to take a different route after all, study social work, spend TEN years doing that before I come back to music therapy? That could be good. I could love that. I would miss the music therapy podcast, and have to not think of social work as a transitional phase, to be committed to it, but there’s a balance between understanding that life can involve multiple careers and being committed to the current one.

It’s a job I would love, and a way I would love myself for the next ten years.

Every, every single thing I say is pointing me toward social work. It really, really is, and I could do it. The only thing I would regret is change. That’s - the feeling that I’m giving something up now, that I’ll never know what would have happened if I kept following the path I’m on.

Maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe I need not to, that’s why people change paths, ever, that’s why I’m not doing a million other paths that I’ll also never know because I’m not considering them. I just need to decide if the next ten years of music therapy are a loss.

The next fourteen years - four years for college. It’s a lot of college! I’m going to be doing that much anyway.

I’m.... not sure they are. I think that sticking to music therapy just because I’m here - that feels like a loss. I don’t think it gets me anything.

I think all roads lead to social work.

I think I could love the person I am as a social worker, be a good one, and I love kids, and I love human beings in general, I would be so, so happy, I swear to God.

It’s maybe the first time I’ve made a choice my mom will vehemently disagree with as the right one for me, in a way I will care about, and will feel as almost a strict mandate that it has to be another way, in my life.

I’m 20. That has to happen eventually.

I want to be a social worker. My throat is tight and my stomach is sick but it’s what I want to do, and those feelings are the anxiety I get and need to address eventually about being wrong about anything, about having been wrong and changing it, about the idea that I just need to act like I knew things already, all the time, or that I did, and I’m stupid for not doing them, and I’m conforming to expectations, and then I get sad about it instead of fixing it.

It’s an anxiety about having been wrong. I can’t twist this to assuage it.

So I just gotta not. And do it anyway.

Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.

There’s an unplanned digression from the plan. I’ve separated it out.

If I evaluate my position as a student once I turn 21, and I genuinely know I cannot commit the time to be a CASA volunteer responsibly, will my life still be fulfilling without it?

Yes. Working on it, but I think that the preschool program is that important.

Then again, I’m doing the preschool program right now (albeit unpaid), and right now is when I had the crisis of feeling like I’m not giving enough to the things that I actually care about, that I am shirking good I could and genuinely want to be doing, and would feel better for doing. 

(I feel- trapped, genuinely, when I am choosing or feel like I am choosing not to help something that I should care, and do care, enough to help- like why have I trapped myself in this position, there are lots of people who care more about being musicians than about being activists and I am not one of them, so why am I pretending to be, why when I both genuinely, viscerally hate the feeling of not helping and also other people hurt for the lack of me helping, there’s no good coming from this choice for even me emotionally and I am making it only because- what, it might do good for someone else, it’s a narrative I want to fill? that’s the conflict, and I’m getting off track/backtracking us a lot, but I should have filled you in on that earlier)

To the less Madoka-literate of you, and only those who don’t mind spoilers: this is where I take a brief digression to talk about the Soul Gem and Grief Seed metaphor. Soul Gems give you your power, and allow you to do good in the world, but you are required to do some things that are arguably selfish - the good you are doing has to be motivated by healing yourself, in that way that Phoebe Buffay hates, and we learn (in watching my favorite character try to refuse this) that this does NOT negate a good deed, and no amount of martyrdom or pushing yourself aside makes the deed itself any better - to keep your Soul Gem cleansed. 

If it goes for too long without being cleansed - if you try to do a lot of good, and refuse to take the rewards of it, or you expend too much energy doing the kind of good that comes without things that are rewarding for you - you turn into a Grief Seed. This is bad.

So that’s what I need to work out. Is this going to be good enough, if all I am doing is music and the part-time job.

When I am paid for the part-time job, I think it will feel better, and I will feel more comfortable making some of the grander, more permanent contributions to the curriculum that I’ve danced around for right now because I didn’t want to give away everything I want to do and then have my boss own it. She and I talked about rights today; I retain rights to activities and lesson plans that I create, even if she keeps using them when we part ways, and it won’t be interpreted as me stealing her program.

The PLAN, again.

My time is prioritized to school, teaching/work, and CASA.

I finish my AA in music performance.

I transfer to study music therapy.

I keep working part time, hopefully, while studying music therapy.

Fuck. That means I need to study at the college I left. I don’t know yet if that will be an option, once the thing I can’t publish here has gone down.

I should tell my boss I don’t know if I can make more than a one-and-a-half year commitment as a paid employee, because I might be leaving. Music therapy is an extremely uncommon major, and if I do not take it at exactly the school at which I took it, I will need to travel very far away.

Fuck.

Fuck indeed.

Okay. [Long, heavy sigh]. Okay.

I don’t want to get an undergraduate in music performance.

I don’t. I don’t it would burn me out that would be a thing that would turn me into a Grief Seed. I would hate it so much and I would feel useless and I do not enjoy putting myself on a stage for classical performance because I do not feel good about it, or like I am good enough at it, and I’m not interested in fixing that enough for another two years of school.

If I’m going to switch majors I need to do that now. I am not prepared to switch majors for a semester, change my mind, and come back to music. I don’t want to walk myself into a hole where it feels like the major I switch to is one I’m trapped to. I’ve done that to myself almost already.

If I switch majors, the likely candidates are:

Social Work.

_

Really social work’s the one. But, for argument’s sake:

Child Development.

Jazz. More on that below.

“More on that below:”

Or I could just stop. I could just stop, and study jazz, and work for the preschool program, and bring in money as a freelance musician for a while. I could just fucking stop and live for several years while doing this, and see if the finances are good enough that I can pour my soul into politics and activism and all the work I want to be doing. I’m okay with studying jazz without being in school. I’m good enough to be a freelance musician now, and with that and a part time job at the preschool I can sustain myself. Musician jobs, when you look in the right places, pay well. I would have time.

I don’t like that I know I’m ignoring something.

Thoughts right now, that aren’t as nice as they seemed when I started this post. I’ve worked some things out, so I refuse to say we’re back at square one. In fact, we’re not. I’m scrolling back up, editing, and making more lists.

[ofmirrormagic]

okay so i have spent a while debating whether or not to bring blue. she is the absolute love of my life and if there is any character i am afraid of fucking up it is this one. the raven cycle is incredible are the characters are great and i just want to do blue justice. i am going to try because i love her so much so let’s hope for the best.

Is that KIM JISOO walking the streets of Sparkwood ?? No, it’s just BLUE SARGENT !! Before coming here, he once lived on the pages of THE RAVEN CYCLE. Though now they currently spend time as a STUDENT/WAITRESS. If you ask the townsfolk about what they are like, you will hear that they are PRAGMATIC but also FANCIFUL. Let’s see how their story unravels this time.

never met her dad. from what she knows he ran off before she was ever born. 

her family was never small though. blue’s whole extended family lives together so she’s used to being surronded by her aunts and cousins and anyone vaguely related to her some would come and go and some just are always with her and her mom

her family runs a fortune telling place as well as an an occult shop. come to her place if you wanna get a fortune reading. she knows tarot cards inside out

except blue is garbage at it. her family is great at picking up hints about people based off of their face body and words. they’re great and wording fortunes so they sound mythical and interesting

blue is not. she has never been good with it. sure sometimes she’ll greet customers but that’s about all she can do. she’s literally hopeless at it. she can’t even lie and act her way into making people think she’s good at it

she didn’t really want to continue with the family business anyway, but did have a small hit on her self esteem. 

she always wanted to be something special and it just seemed impossible for her to be that she’s a little too realistic sometimes where despite how she wants to do amazing things she doesn’t think there’s any way for it to be happy

so she wants to do some good for the world that is her goal

she’s kept some interest in the supernatural though she likes reading about it and finds it interesting but she doesn’t quite think it’s real and there’s always a bitter place in her heart about the fact she couldn’t continue with her family

her family is very poor. like the fact that she is in college at all is a miracle to her

although she worries all the time about finishing. she’s getting aid and has some partial scholarships but she still has to work a ton just to get enough money for the next semester she will take as many hours as her job will give her

despite that she’s not usually too tired or overwhelmed she is just so determined to do something with herself that that and spite gets her through the day

doesn’t have time for bullshit though her tolerance for annoying things and people is generally pretty young

does not want your pity though. don’t offer to buy her anything unless you are also kinda poor she will not accept it she will get angry

a small angry feminist

like she’s five feet tall. that’s it. she’ll get a box to stand on to fight you though

can’t drive she loves living that bike life

only eats yogurt

carries a pocketknife with her all the time

she dresses weird. like it’s a lot of crochet tights and tops over dresses and homemade stuff. boots with everything

kind of unfriendly??? she’s used to being with just her family and she doesn’t work too hard to make friends unless someone like absolutely blows her away and interests her. she doesn’t really try to be mean either but she can come off as kind of blunt and sarcastic. 

wants to be adventurous and reckless, and while she will go along with some stupid shit she tends to be very grounded and sensible as much as she tries to be otherwise.

has almost zero dating experience. when she was young some visiting family came and gave her a reading about her first relationship going very poorly. even now that she’s older and more reasonable and knows that the fortunes aren’t always true and that’s just like their job it freaked her out and it has stuck with her she is pretty hesitant about dating.

bi life

just wants to get her degree and get out of town. she has been here her whole life. she wants to travel make the world a better place, but it is not possible right now

[akiharashizuka]

Cardfight Vanguard G: Next turn 52 thoughts

Return

We’ve reached the finale...All in all, I think the episode did a great job at finishing up the U20, as well as making connections to the upcoming  Z.

Also, this post will be very long...

For a moment, I thought they were going to replay the last scene from episode 51, but then this small part played out. This wasn’t in the previous episode. I was trying to decipher what Kazuma must have been thinking at that moment...Frustration that he couldn’t defeat Shiranui himself? Hope that the attack goes through? A mix of both?

The part where the hairband falls seems to be there just to make the moment more dramatic...And show us how Kazumi looks like with his hair down. Unless Chrono used his ability to summon Units from Cray (kinda like how Chronojet punched Kanzaki for real), but I highly doubt that was it. Or the new fighting system is almost as great as the GIRS.

Ok, enough nitpicking. What followed was a very beautiful moment. Kazumi and Shiranui finally have a proper interaction, having a better understanding of each other. 

Also, that background is gorgeous. 

I think that was a bit exaggerated. I’m surprised they didn’t fall off that platform. Still, it’s not like I can’t feel their joy :) 

Why is the symbol purple? It was red up until this episode...It makes sense to be red, since that’s the color for Dragon Empire. Purple is for Dark Zone >_>

Anyway, we have a namedrop. Gastille was indeed the Unit he was talking to in that flashback. Well, the Weekly Bites kind of confirmed that too.

It seems he is starting to understand that his hatred was misplaced. I liked that he also thanked his comrades, as the cards are shown disappearing one by one, then the board (?) turns off. I never realized that the field was a giant board...

The brothers’ reunion (this time with the real Kazumi) was very heartfelt. I guess Kazumi wanted to pet his brother’s head, but then Kazuma says the “Don’t say you’ll disappear”. I simply liked that line. It shows how much he loves his brother and that he won’t be happier if Kazumi was out of picture. 

Chrono and Kazuma seem so awkward xD Kazuma even seems kind of uncomfortable. Taiyou is the only one who looks natural. 

Thought Rummy Labyrinth and Saya won’t appear again. It was nice seeing them hand the trophy and flowers. 

It’s been a whole year since Mikuru appeared in the anime. It’s good to know that she wasn’t forgotten. I guess she didn’t have much of a role to play this time, but she’s still Chrono’s legal guardian.

I found it strange that they decided to insert the ending here. For a moment, I even thought the episode was over, even though it was way too soon xD

Ah...the usual DE Branch shenanigans xD

Before that, seeing how the U20 inspired the younger players was a nice addition. All of them were going on with Dominate, Gear Chronicle, Nubatama, GB8, even Ritual and Gold Paladin xD But...what about Genesis and Kagero?

Of course, with everyone so enthusiastic, Team Striders gets a few challenges xD

With Chrono’s newfound dream of travelling to Cray, it makes sense to ask Aichi for advice. Not only because he studies astrophysics, but also because that dream was most likely inspired by him. It’s also the idea of the old protagonist helping the new one.

It sure is a lot of work. For English, it’s not only about being able to hold a conversation and understand stuff, but also know the scientific terminology. Which isn’t that easy for someone whose first language isn’t English. Especially with Japanese being so different from it. There’s also the fact that in schools, English is taught in a very theoretical way (at least that’s what I heard...), which is far from being an efficient way. Math and physics also have to be studied at a very high level and these particular subjects get way too abstract and hard to understand. Well, if explained properly and if Chrono has a knack for science (rather than humanities like history or literature), it might be achievable. As for physical training...well, he’s going to deal with zero gravity. Astronauts have to go through special training for that, so I’m guessing it’s something similar to that. Hang in there Chrono.

Trinity Dragon also has gotten the enthusiasm. The next U20 is mentioned again, which makes me want at least a mention of how it went in the future xD 

Of course, it’s the training style is typical for Kamui xD

Looks like they got the old high-tech clubroom back. I expected some students to come and say that they want to join, or, at least, Shion and Hayao having some application papers...Guess they’ll have to wait a bit until Fukuhara regains interest in Vanguard. Maybe with the new students that will enroll...

But for now, they got to deal with Rin. Well, I guess she wants to help them practice and maintain a high level, which is sort of nice of her. The way she put it wasn’t very nice. Hang in there Hayao.

Not sure how many of you got the “2nd semester of the 3rd year” part, so I’m going to explain a bit. So, after the 1st semester, 3rd year students retire from club activities in order to focus on the university entry exams (which are very difficult in Japan, it seems). That’s the usual case, but not all students want to attend university. This is also Rin’s case, so they can still participate in club activities. Whether they retire, or not, is their choice after all. 

I’m glad they showed what Verno is up to as well. Definitely, her tone is different from Amaruda, which hints towards different personalities. From this scene, it seems Verno is more outgoing (guess that’s the right word).

Speaking of Amaruda, she did say that she will inform her comrades about Shiranui’s plans. Well, he dropped off, but the plan is still in action. I hope this part gets touched on in Z. It might lead to something interesting, which I’ll talk about a bit later.

Looks like Kumi joined Tokoha in Paris for a trip, probably. And, I guess this sort of confirms that Tokoha had developed romantic feelings for Miguel, but I feel like it’s still left ambiguous, so each viewer can interpret the scene in whatever way they want. 

What’s I’m more concerned about is that Miguel, and, at the same time, Antero remain dead. You’d think that the writers would come up with a way to bring him back, or pull a “he wasn’t really dead”, but nope. I mean, that happens a lot in shounen anime, and those focus on card games aren’t exceptions. I don’t think it’s a bad idea though. Miguel’s death was an unfortunate and sad incident, which happens in real life quite often. 

Well...Enishi returns to be the Dark Zone branch chief. I don’t know how to feel about this, since he left because he felt guilty of his actions while in Company and therefore deemed himself unworthy of that position. This season was also about him finding something he can do. I didn’t think that something will turn out to be the same thing he resigned from.

Looking from another perspective, I guess I can see why that is the thing he can do. He wasn’t named branch chief at age 18 for nothing. He most likely has the necessary qualities to manage the DZ branch. And, I think those were reflected in the G Quest. Dark Zone was one of the most unique ones (alongside DE and Zoo), which also fit the theme of the Nation it represents very well. With what he had learned during the U20, maybe he can do things even better now.

Wow...they are behaving like normal siblings xD I wanted to hear Kazuma call him “onii-chan” xD

Something I was slightly worried about is whether Kazuma’s mother is supportive of him or not...Him mentioning that they are doing fine the way they are makes me believe that she actually is, which is a relief.

Hmm, Kazumi becoming the head in the future might give him the chance to change the Onimaru family for the better. Though, I don’t know how the others will react to that...They might not be very cooperative. On the other hand, if he doesn’t become the head, Kazumi will be free to do as he pleases, for the most part. 

I had a huge deja vu feeling here. It seems Chrono did too. The only thing missing was Shiranui’s creepiness. 

Speaking of Chrono, the way his lines were translated is rather misleading. Here’s how I think it should be: “It’s the same as when you first came here...So that Shiranui was properly acting the whole time.”

Kazumi’s memories being fuzzy after the diffride was canceled makes sense, especially when you think that it was a forced one. Another being took over him, and Kazumi’s consciousness was suppressed. But they still shared the same body and mind, so it’s only natural for him to remember what Shiranui did, or what was he thinking about.

So, he properly explains what exactly happened to Shiranui and brought up Gastille and the Apostles. They were revealed in the Weekly Bites almost 2 weeks ago. I’ll cover this subject towards the end, when they appear.

For now, let’s talk a bit about Shiranui’s missions. Not much to say about bringing Chaos Breaker...I just wonder if there is a reason why him specifically had to be summoned. As for the 2nd one, as expected, the reason he joined U20 was to find a vessel for the master. It looks like he set his eyes on Chrono, which worries me...It’s also a matter of whether the Apostles will find him an appropriate candidate. Maybe some other possible candidates will appear... 

Yes! Kai is training them! Hope Makoto and Arata will play an important role in Z. Noa is their friend after all. I would prefer them to bring him back.

Now, for the master, or, better said, Gyze. His clan is currently unknown. If I have to speculate, I’d go for Link Joker...but I’m highly unsure. From the way he is described, I’m guessing he is sort of like the Satan of Cray. Messiah already has christian references, so I couldn’t think of another comparison. 

One thing that caught my attention was that he rules the void. The weekly bites translated the word as “nihility”, but it’s the same idea of nothingness. What’s interesting here is that for the first 4 seasons, the antagonist was an evil force called Void. Unlike this time, they used the English word, but considering that Gyze tried to destroy Cray before, I’m guessing that’s when it happened. It might be something else entirely, but this is when the events in the original series can be connected to those in G and I kind of want that...Plus, there were a few moments in Next that reminded me of the Link Joker arc. Not sure if they were intentional though.

And after this, the opening plays. Ok, it’s a unique idea, but it made things slightly confusing. 

I’ve wanted to see this for so long! It was short, but it wasn’t disappointing. Who would have guessed that the real Saori is kind of the opposite of Dumjid...And that he looked up to him. I feel so bad for him, especially that now he gets involved in something he doesn’t want to. technically it’s Dumjid doing all the stuff, but they still share the same body and mind. Also, since it was a normal diffride, Saori’s consciousness is still around. Though, it doesn’t look like Dumjid wants to let him say anything.

The fact that he became so bitter that he chooses the antagonists’ side is intriguing to me. It’s also character evolution, but in a negative way. Which spices things up. It makes me look forward to what kind of character development is he going to have. Also, I would love to see a background story for Saori.

Here we have Gastille. he is indeed voiced by Yuuki Ono, who also voiced Kiryu in 5D’s. Hopefully his performance will be as great as that one. so far it looks promising.

There’s something that has been bugging me. He is supposedly possessing a human...Then where is his clan symbol? It was revealed that he is from Dark Irregulars so, that symbol should be very visible since he isn’t wearing any gloves. I thought it was weird when the design was revealed, but not it’s really bothering me...Especially that if you take a look at the other Apostles, all have something to cover the back of their right hand, when the clan symbol is. Noa only has his very long sleeves though...

Six G-Zone cards, so I’m assuming these are the Zeroth Dragons. These were also mentioned in the Weekly Bites. Their deal is that every single clan in a specific Nation can be used with the corresponding Zeroth Dragon. For example, the Dragon Empire one, Drakuma can only be used if the player uses Kagero, Narukami, Nubatama, Murakumo or Tachikaze. So far only two have been revealed, the one for Dragon Empire I just mentioned, and the one for Megallanica. 

I like their designs, but I kind of wished they had elements from each clan of their respective Nation. I guess it’s a hard thing to achieve, but Drakuma looks like a Kagero unit, maybe a Narukami as well if you stretch it a bit. Sure, Dumjid is going to use it, but what if Shiranui was still around, for example? It would have looked very out of place in his deck, even though it’s 100% usable. Same for Megiddo. It looks like an Aqua Force unit. I guess it can fit in a granblue deck, but in a Bermuda Triangle one....Yeah...Kind of difficult. Actually, it’s pretty hard to fit a dragon in Bermuda, now that I think of it...

Now for the other Apostles. Here’s the link for the Weekly Bites that mention them, so it would be easier to follow me.

I don’t have much to say about Chaos Breaker, for now. And I’ve already talked about Dumjid. so, moving on...

It seems we have 2 Units representing Megacolony, which is peculiar. And one of them looks very familiar. I’ve also checked the VA, just to be sure and, it is indeed Wakamizu, the eccentric scientist from Company. At the end of Stride Gate, him and Handa were recruited by Chris to work at his company. That company is most likely in Singapore, where Chris and his team are from. Kai and New Nippon were shown in Singapore in the episode with Kanzaki. So, I guess the mystery of what was Noa doing there is solved. I saw a theory at some point that Wakamizu was already diffriden in Stride Gate, probably due to his quirky behavior, like him adding a lot of sugar in the coffee. Honestly, when I watched that episode I was wondering when is he gonna stop. The logic behind it is that insects are attracted to sweet stuff. And Megacolony is a clan based on mutant insects. However, I think that’s just how Wakamizu is. Also, diffriding became possible after the Stride Gate incident. And it wouldn’t have made much sense for chaos Breaker to travel to Singapore if Darkface was already around. I have one more reason, but because of Gastille I don’t know how much it counts...He had nothing to cover the back of his right hand. But now he does. So, I think I debunked that theory.

Now for the new one, Gredora. It’s a new Unit, which will be introduced in a later set, most likely. Something I noticed when I first started watching vanguard is that there were quite a few voice actors from Naruto and Bleach. Morikawa is Sasuke and Uryu, Miwa is Shikamaru and Tensa Zangetsu, there was a character who had the same voice as Keigo (Bleach), Tetsu is Komamura-you get the idea. That was only for the first season though. And now it’s happening again xD Gredora is voiced by the same person as Tenten. It’s been a while since I heard Yukari Tamura in an anime...She was quite a high-pitched voice, but I doubt Gredora is the type to speak like that, so I guess she will tone down a bit. One thing G did was make me interested in clans I wasn’t before, at least a tiny bit, as well as regain interest in some that I stopped caring about. Maybe they’ll do the same with Megacolony by introducing her... Oh, and the fact that there are 2 Megacolony Units might mean that one of them will get undiffriden. Since she is nowhere to be seen, Darkface might be the first to be taken out. Though, I’m also thinking of the possibility of both sticking around, but the one who will ultimately use the Zeroth Dragon will be Gredora.

Next up is Valeos. The details about him made me wonder if by any chance Aqua Force got sealed when he tried to defeat Gyze and, after that, for some reason he joined hands with him. It could have been out of spite, or he wants to defeat him from the inside. not sure about the holy sword. the only one I can think of is the artifact from Shion’s family, but that belonged to another Unit. Continuing the “Naruto tradition”, he has the same VA as Darui. Though, I believe he will be voice more similarly to Ushiwaka from Haikyuu. It seems to fit him better, just based on design.

The last one is Gastille, which I’ve already talked about..

Let’s not forget that they are possessing humans. I’m curious about them, how they feel about the mission and how they relate to the Units. 

I guess everyone noticed that there is no one from United Sanctuary. That has to be because Claret Sword’s diffride failed. He might try again, or a replacement will be found. I’ve been considering one, and it seems I’m not the only one who wants that to happen (@floakingaround ). Remember what I said about Amaruda telling her comrades about Shiranui’s mission? What if this reaches the ears of a specific Genesis Unit...Yep, Fenrir diffriding Shinonome and becoming the user of the US Zeroth Dragon. I would love if that happened. I think he fits in very well. If you read his lore, you would see that he doesn’t have a very good reputation and is quite cold-blooded. So, I don’t think he will have any objections in joining hands with the Apostles. 

There’s one last thing, concerning the Apostles, I’d like to mention. I’ve seen once a comment which highlighted that each Nation has sort of a villainous clan:

United Sanctuary: Shadow Paladin

Star Gate: Link Joker

Zoo: Megacolony

Megallanica: Granblue

Dark Zone: Dark Irregulars

Dragon Empire: Nubatama

I guess I remember them correctly. I saw that way before Next started. Surprisingly, the Apostles are from these clans, with the exception of Valeos. However, the antagonist from the Asia Circuit arc was Leon, who uses Aqua Force. So, even though Aqua Force doesn’t seem evil, it was used by an arc villain. Dunjid is also an exception, but he replaces Shiranui, who is from Nubatama.  The DZ one is also questionable, since the whole Nation seems villainous. It is described as “lawless” after all. If I think about it, Gear Chronicle is the odd one, since it’s more heroic than the other 3. Though, I see why the author of that comment chose DI. It’s a bunch of vampires, demons, elves, and so on who kind of do what they feel like. Pale Moon is a circus, Spike Brothers is an American football team, and Gear Chronicle is a group of time travelers. 

Lastly, the preview for Z’s first episode. It seems things start off strong, with a Chaos Breaker vs Chrono fight. It is to be expected, since Next served as the build-up for Z. The fact that the episode is titles  “Stolen Chrono” worries me...I don’t want it to go the Legion Mate route and have the protagonist become the antagonist. Seeing that he is on the promotional poster gives me hope that it might not be the case. Aichi was present on the Legion Mate poster, but he was positioned at the back and looking in the opposite direction as the protagonist, Kai. Chrono stands close to Kazuma, Ibuki and Aichi, Gyze being in the back. Maybe Chrono just gets kidnapped, but he gets rescued in time.

So, see you next Sunday with Z.

[skeletonwoman]

Mouthy (Draco Malfoy)

Warning: this one is crass af and has some really rude language in it and at the end everyone suddenly get soft af

ask me for a second part if u want one cause i have an idea

“How abouts you take your fugly f*cking bowl cut ass hair and run back to your crumbling little mansion in bum-f*ck nowhere, hey, Malfoy?” You snarl, shoving from your seat at the Slytherin table and storm across the great hall, slumping down beside Ginny.

She stares at you a moment before launching to her feet.

“F*ck you, Malfoy!” She shouts, half standing on the bench seat with a murderous expression and McGonagall stares her down. You note she doesn’t say a word, though, as Ginny plonks back down looking thoroughly disgruntled.

Seconds later, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred and George all sit down, shoving Ginnys friends down as they crowd the two of you.

“What happened?” They demand and you hesitate before gritting your teeth and shaking your head. It’s not a big deal, it’s over.

Hissing, you throw the handful of herbs into your cauldron, your glare locked to Dracos.

He smacks away Pansys hand when she waves it in his face, only for his glare to dampen and break as he turns his gaze to her. You can see the outraged expression on her face pale as he apologies softly and she nods understandingly.

Then she’s glaring at you and you’re scowling at the two of them.

“Y/N?” Neville asks softly and you blink, returning to cauldron and desk.

“Sorry, I’m here,” you answer, just as softly, and he smiles at you. Returning the expression, you grimace at the recipe and add a lemon seed to the mix. It doesn’t say so but anyone can write a book so who says this person is right.

Even if it is a textbook.

Neville doesn’t comment, stirring at an even pace and you want to hug the non-argumentative sweetheart.

Finishing off the ingredients, you watch Snape slow to a stop over your potion. His eyes are zeroed in on Neville and you wonder if he even see’s you.

“What did you do to this, Longbottom? It’s aw-”

“-wesomely done, sir. See, I added a lemon seed instead of a dash of red dirt,” you say, drawing Snapes eyes to you and you give him a toothy grin.

“Y/N, perhaps you should choose a better partner next time, someone who won’t let you act so wilfully when the assignment is to make essence of sleep- using a dash of red dirt.”

For a second, you’re going to be offended.

“Try some, sir! Unless you’re afraid to?” You chirp and Snape levels you with a dead eyed look. Like normal, but slightly less smiley.

“I won’t, Y/N, as the potion you’ve crafted is a cauldron of starvation, a seventh year potion. Two drops is a lethal dose,” he says before his words stop and his eyes narrow to slits. “But you knew this already, didn’t you, Y/N?”

“I couldn’t know that, sir, I’m a fourth year,” you counter and he sighs through his nose before shooing the two of you away from the cauldron and barring the other students from going near your station.

“You’re pushing it,” Hermione hisses softly and you giggle, leant against the wall beside her station. Across the room, Snape berates Seamus Finnigan.

“He’s the potions teacher, if he actually tried any of it then he’d deserve to starve,” you mutter, biting down hard on your lip so you won’t laugh. “He’s stupid enough, and Merlin if Slytherin doesn’t need a new head of house.”

“I’m going to tell Snape you tried to murder him,” Draco hisses and you laugh outright.

“I think he knows, Malfoy. I asked him to try it.” You scoff and Draco scowls at your blatant disregard. You might be in his house but how the two of you are supposed to be similar is beyond you.

The bells ring and you snatch your bag from your station and hesitate by the full pot.

“Do not touch that,” Snape orders when he spots you and you sigh, rolling your eyes before turning to him.

“I don’t want you leave you with the mess, sir, and it’s my cauldron,” you say, trying to look chastened and he glares at you.

“You can return during your lunch to clean it, then.”

“How about I drive this fork into your hand and watch you shriek like a little pissbaby?” You murmur and Draco hits you with a useless sneer. He would shriek like a pissbaby. He knows it, you know it, even Pansy knows it by the way she’s looking at you.

“Or the two of you could f*ck and give the rest of us a damn break?” Blaise snaps and you freeze, blinking at the boy across from you. You can see the table staring at you and not a single gaze on Draco.

“Blaise,” you hiss, as if admitting guilt and you can see the whole table catch their breath, “I thought you and I were going to f*ck? I can’t sleep with you and Draco!”

Sighs surround you, shoulders slumping, eyes rolling.

Whatever, guys.

“Wait, so we aren’t getting together after all this?” Draco frowns, looking genuine and you’re momentarily unsure. Was- Were the two of you supposed to get together at the end?

Now, the tables interested again.

“You called me a troll not two days ago, Draco,” you remind him and a flush rises in his cheeks as he remembers. “And then said I had no wizarding future and should just pack up to live under a muggle bridge and tell riddles to the unwashed muggle masses?”

“I… Don’t recall?” He says hollowly and you wrinkle your nose in disgust.

“Want me to jog your memory with my response?” You snipe and he shakes his head hurriedly.

“Forgive him, Y/N, he calls Pansy a bulldog all the time and says Theo should quit magic to start a knitting club,” Blaise pipes up with barely concealed delight.

“How about I don’t? And tell you both to get f*cked? He said that to Theo because Theo is a master at mittens, idiot,” you hiss, ignoring the flushed smile Theo sends your way. “And I don’t even know about the Pansy stuff, it’s just rude, Draco.”

His entire face is red and you’re unsure if he’s going to explode or pass out.

“Maybe I should go join the muggles, at least they know how to have a conversation,” you snap when he doesn’t respond and push to your feet. You’re not hungry anymore, stalking from the great hall instead.

You’ve got a cauldron to wash.

Earbuds in, you dance about the room to the sounds of Britney Spears, a relic from your “reformative” semester at a muggle school before you’d entered Hogwarts. Of everything the students had shown you, which they’d delighted in doing, you’d been unable to give up the music. Britney especially.

Millicent appears before you, looking particularly dark and you pull and earbud from your ear expectantly.

“What is that?” Millicent asks, almost accusing, as she stares at the tiny box in your hand.

“It’s Britney, bitch,” you say, only to cringe. “Sorry! I- It’s- Come here.”

Beckoning her, you order her to be still and put the earphone in her ear and restarting the song, For a moment, she’s terrified, and you watch as the fear melts into surprise and curiosity.

“She’s promiscuous,” she observes, still listening and you can’t help snorting.

“It’s my iPod, it’s a muggle device and you can store over a thousand of these songs on it. I have Britney Spears, One Direction, the Jonas Brothers and a bunch of soundtracks to these things called Disney movies.” The song ends and Millicent looks confused all over again, and you pull the earbud from her ear for her. “I could lend it to you one time and then if you want, I could organise to get you one and put music on it?”

You’re momentarily worried that she’ll dob you in when she nods, excitement in the bobble of her head.

“I’d love to, if you have more of this Britney on your rectangle,” she marvels and you nod easily.

“This weekend, after I show you how to use it, you can have it for the entire Saturday,” you smile and she grins, thanking you softly before moving to her bed.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“About Draco,” her voice is soft and tense, and you don’t look up from your trunk as you bury the music player. “He’s going to apologise to you. He’s not going to be good at it but he means it. He never apologises, you know it as well as I do, and I don’t want his lack of practice to ruin it for him.”

You peek at her over your shoulder, spotting her wringing her hands and chewing her lip.

“Thank you, Milli,” you mumble and she smiles hesitantly before skittering back downstairs.

“I’m sorry that you’re so crass and mouthy,” Draco mumbles and it’s amazing. You were expecting worse. “Every time I hear you speak it just flips a switch in my head-” Nice, nice, solid Draco. “-and I’m calling you names or putting you down before I can think. It’s stupid and I’ll try to stop but I’m sorry, for the past and any time in the future.”

You can’t help staring for a moment. Seconds ago, you’d been laughing at the pathetic apology when he just… flips. Apparently like the switch in his head.

“Thank you, I appreciate the apology. And you’re forgiven,” you say, awkward and unsure now that he’s nice.

“And when I made that comment… about us-”

“Oh, no big deal, forget about it.”

“I meant it. I thought we… had some kind of game. It was stupid to assume that, I’m sorry.” He hesitates a moment, his palm on the back of his neck before he straightens and meets your gaze. “And you probably don’t want to hear it right now but I’m hopelessly attracted to you and am in a deep… like…” He grimaces. “So soon, after this has passed and we’re regular friends, I’ll ask you on a date and you can say yes or no and I won’t tease you about it or say you’re awful at magic- even if you are.”

“You had to say it, didn’t you?” You growl and he offers you a ridiculously cheesey smile that is so un-Draco that you’re nearly bowled over.

“What?” he says, playful and innocent and you want to push him into the lake.

“You’re so lucky that you’re on a brand new nice streak and I’m a believer in rewarding good behaviour,” you hiss at him and he bites his lip to keep his smile in check. Bad idea.

Bad idea. Abort, Draco!

“Stop that!” You order, your thumb catching on his chin and pulling enough that his lip slides free. He can’t do that. It’s rude. “Don’t bite your lip.”

“Why?”

There’s a sparkle in his eye and you want to stomp on it.

“It makes you look stupid,” you say without hesitation and he laughs, eyes still sparkling.

“It’s not because you think it’s attractive?” He says, his voice low and quiet and strangely bedroomy.

“No,” you snap out, deadpan, and he nods. He obviously doesn’t believe you which is fair considering you’re a liar, but that’s not the point. The point is that he’s being a twerp. “Look, I have to go. Mostly because I don’t want to be here with you any longer while you unreasonably gloat but also because I have to trip Ron.”

“Can I come?” He asks and you shoot him a dead eyed look.

“Yeah, let’s take Beacon Hair and his beacon hair and his beacon attitude right over to where Potter and Weasley and Granger will be because it’s not like he’s a beacon for their attention,” you say, sarcasm evident and he scowls with pink cheeks.

“It’s not my fault!”

“It’s entirely your fault,” you counter, laughing softly. Backing up a step, you’re unsure how to turn and walk away. You have no idea when, if ever, you’ll get another moment with soft and happy Draco. He said he’d ask you out and so you might meet him again on a date but who knows when that’ll happen?

“Ask me now,” you order, your voice shy and he frowns. “Ask me on a date, Malfoy.”

His grin is intensely bright and he steps forward, taking the two steps to bridge the space between the two of you and interlacing his fingers with yours. Your gaze clashes with his and you’re stuck, lost in his grey eyes.

“Y/N, will you go on a date with me?”

“When?” You ask, instantly and breathlessly and his smile seems to get bigger.

“Tomorrow night, we’ll go to the Astronomy tower with some food.” The words are a weight off your shoulders and you nod, exhaling a relieved sigh. You’ve got a date, you’ll see him like this again. Before you can speak, he presses a soft kiss to your cheek and steps away, giving you some much needed breathing room. “I’ll see you later?”

“Of course, yeah.” You cough, suddenly awkward before remembering your plan. Turning on your heel, you dart up the stairs and leave him behind.

Tomorrow. The Astronomy Tower.

boo! the end

also idk if this is a one off or if you guys will get some more fics soon but we’ll see

[starsinursa]

Questions for Grown-Ups

No one tagged me but I’m doing this anyways, sorry, not sorry

Tired of those surveys made by high school kids? “Have you ever kissed someone? Missed someone? Drank alcohol?”

Here are 35 questions for Grown Ups:

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?: Probably student loans. I just have so much student loan debt. I will seriously be paying on those loans for the next ten years. 2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?: …does…does by myself count? Because I took myself out for a nice steak dinner and sipped on some delicious margaritas about five months ago. I just take a book with me and read while I eat.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?: I’m pretty content at the moment. I’m off work, in pajamas, lounging on my bed with the puppers and the kitty. 

4. How many colleges did you attend?: Two. I attended the same university for all four years of my undergrad and I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Psychology, and then I took grad classes in Counseling at another college for a couple of semesters. Didn’t end up finishing the graduate program though because there was a super intensive field practicum required to complete the degree and I was already working full-time at my current job, and I really don’t want to quit my job so I can get the degree, turn around, and then have to find another job. 

5. Why did you choose the shirt you have on now?: …it’s a gray T-shirt with a cartoon cat and it says “R U Kitten Me Right Meow?!” 😂 I picked it because it made me laugh? 

6. Thoughts on gas prices?: Not terrible at the moment, currently $1.99/ gallon here. And I saved $0.30/ gallon the other day by using my Dillons gas card. WOOHOO, saving money on gas like an ADULT!

7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning?: “Fuckkk…. if I sleep for a while longer and show up late to work, how late is ‘too late’?”

8. Last thought you have before you go to bed?: “Goddamnit, Tera, you said you were going to bed at 9:30 tonight and now it’s 1 a.m. Are you happy now? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?”

9. Do you miss being a child?: Nah. Besides paying bills, I LOVE being an adult. Some people say high school is the best time of your life, some people say college is the best, but my 20′s have undoubtedly been the best so far. Living on my own, doing what I want to do, disposable income, no homework… yes, please.

10. What errand/chore do you despise the most?: Washing dishes. I don’t have a dishwasher at my house and I loathe washing dishes by hand. I hate it so, so much. I literally only use paper plates, styrofoam bowls, and plastic silverware. I just throw everything away when I’m done so I never have to wash dishes. Yes, I hate dishes that much.

11. Up early or sleep in?: Sleep in. I love sleeping in but just never get the chance… or if I do, I wake up early anyways!

12. Found love yet?: Not yet, I am a single pringle. Probably staying that way for a while, too, because all I do is work and then go home, I don’t go anywhere to meet new people. Occasionally I sign up for a dating app, but then I panic and immediately delete it.

13. Favorite lunch meat?: Turkey. Actually, that’s like the ONLY lunch meat I like. I don’t like ham, roast beef… but surprisingly, I do like bologna!

14. What do you get at the grocery store every time?: I’m always stocking up on frozen meals to take to work. I am a lazy cook… as in, I don’t cook. I CAN cook, but I don’t. Cooking for one person is just too much effort.

15. Beach or lake?: Beach. Although, considering I’m in Kansas, there are zero legit beaches around here. Unless you count lake beaches?

16. Is marriage outdated?: I mean, not to me? I’d still like to get married someday. I know it’s not necessary and just a social construct and blah blah, but I still really like the idea of it, at least for myself. Under my sarcastic shell, I am a big soppy romantic at heart. No judgment on anyone who doesn’t wanna go that route though, live and let live. 😊

17. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?: Misha Collins, obviously, because he would be hilarious and adorable. Or Keanu Reeves. Or I would really have loved to meet Leonard Nimoy before he passed away. He just seemed like an amazing man and I bet he had some really great stories and life perspectives to share.

18. Ever crashed your vehicle?: My vehicle has been crashed, yes, but it wasn’t me who crashed it, thank you very much. I’ve been hit by other drivers a couple of times. Not in my new car, thankfully.

19. Do you have any regrets?: I mean, nothing that I would go back and change. I have some small things I wonder about occasionally, but I’m pretty content with the course my life has taken. Even the rough patches have helped me learn. I’m happy where I am, so that’s all that matters.

20. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth?: In an airport bathroom. Hey, those layovers can be excruciating, and I’d hate to subject my fellow flyers to my airport breath.

21. Somewhere you’ve never been but want to go?: Ireland. It’s on the bucket list, but I’ve decided to see some other places first. Thailand, here I come!

22. At this point, would you want to start a new career?: No, and that’s part of why I didn’t finish getting my graduate degree. I really enjoy my work (most of the time) and working with adults with disabilities actually lets me feel like I’m making a difference every now and then, so I’m not looking to change careers.

23. How old are you?: I’m on the downward slope of 25 (26 in two months, how do I stop this whole ‘getting older’ thing?)

24. Do you have a go-to person?: Probably my aunt. She works in a similar career as me, so I can talk to her about work problems or get advice. We’re also a lot alike, including being single with no kids, rescuing animals, etc., so we have a lot in common and use each other as a support system.

25. Are you where you want to be in life?: Actually, yeah, I’m pretty content. I would still like to get a Master’s degree someday (if I could find a degree without a practicum so I wouldn’t have to quit my job) and I’d eventually like to buy a house instead of just renting, but otherwise, I’m good.

26. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?: Rugrats, Hey Arnold, The Wild Thornberrys, and The Fairly Oddparents

27. What do you think has changed about you since you were a teenager?: Oh my god, sooo much. I feel like I’ve come out of my shell a lot, and also become a lot more at peace with who I am. I don’t worry so much what people think of me anymore. I mean, I’m still super introverted and I’ve still got all my faults, but I beat myself up less about all of it, y’know?

28. Looking back at high school, were they the best years of your life?: Pffft. PFFFT. Yeah right. High school was…not bad, I had my little group of friends and went to a really small school where everyone was pretty chill, but I do not miss the teenage hormones and insecurities and constant worry about the future. 

29. Are there times you still feel like a kid?: Sometimes. Well, not really like a ‘kid’, but sometimes at work I’ll notice my age and feel weirdly young if I’m in a meeting with coworkers who are a lot older than me. And even if they aren’t too much older than me, almost all of my coworkers have kids, so it’s hard to find things in common sometimes. 

30. Did you have a pager?: No, I’m not that old, haha. But I did have one of those old-school flip phones that couldn’t even text.

31. Was there a hang-out spot when you were a kid?: Yeah, there were a few. Out at the old Union Pacific railroad bridge. Downtown. A couple of party houses.

32. Were you the type of kid you’d want your children to hang out with?: Depends on my age. 😂 I was mostly a decent kid who got good grades and didn’t get into much trouble, but I went through my crazy, rebellious phase too… drinking, smoking, truancy, sex… ah, yes, being 16 was an interesting time for me.

33. Was there a teacher or figure that stood out to you?: I had a really fantastic school counselor when I was going through that rebellious phase. I was forced to see her and wasn’t happy about it, but she turned out to be awesome. A lot of times, she didn’t even make me talk about school or home, she’d just let me ramble on about things I liked, the books I was reading, my favorite movies, etc. She’d just sit and bullshit with me and didn’t treat me like a kid or talk down to me. I first became interested in psychology and counseling because of her.

34. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?: Definitely. Kids these days! When I was their age, I was already washing dishes in a restaurant. I started working at age 14 and have never stopped. And my parents didn’t buy me a car, I had to save up and bought my first car by myself for $500. And my parents didn’t pay for my college either, I had to take out tons of student loans and work 30 hours/ week on top of a full course load so I could pay all my own bills (I’m a bitter old woman, can you tell? 😌).

35. Are you religious?: Umm…I used to be, not so much anymore. My step-dad is a pastor though, plus my sister is really religious and attends a private Christian college, so I’m still around it quite a bit. Needless to say, there’s a few things they don’t know about me, including the fact that I work part-time at an adult store.

Tagging: all my “grown-up” friends who would like to do this! Dooo it!

[40countdown]

This is it! The Final Episode! The Last Installment! The Swan Song of the Blog! I’m 40 as hell already! (01-14-18)

Original Goals 

Looking back at the goals I laid out in the first post for this blog… I didn’t do bad.

Body Goals:

My weight is where is should be.. Weigh in 158.5  

The 2 inches off the waist didn’t happen. Ha! The waist is as trashy as it was but probably no worse.. since I never measured with tape I have to judge based on which pants I can or can not button and how uncomfortable it is to put a sock on.. which still tends to fluctuate after a few good or bad weeks.. but I’d say I’m right about where I started.

(this is from today at the gym when I registered for a thing... :D) 

The elbow miraculously healed.. the pain is gone but last week I noticed it was radiating heat like a nuclear reactor so.. I might wanna get it checked out.. or maybe I just have a hot laser in my elbow from the spider bite. #superpowers

We all know that I pissed away any chance of being “11 months smoke free” a long time ago, but I recommitted to ruining that goal this past week during vacation/birthday celebrations when I torched 2 full packs of Marlboro Reds. I really do think the 2 Tough Mudders I’ve signed up for will help keep me from reaching for the reds in my weaker moments.

Blood pressure has not been checked but I’d be surprised if it’s great after the birthday week vacation I’ve had of all night bars and all day food closing out with a delicious “brisket burnt ends” sandwich from The Joint.

Career Goals:

Documentary is not finished, but it is much closer and I’m more fired up about it than ever! This one is gonna hit like a Bruce Lee kick, y’all. I aim to complete and submit to festivals by the end of March and that is still absolutely manageable with my much lighter spring semester schedule.

Longer term job offer.. I got that since I got the full time job offer this past August which I’ve accepted. I also did get accepted to an MFA Screenwriting program, but I declined to go in favor of the job and the chance to actually finish the film.

Feature film script.. I know exactly what I want to write next but.. that goal seems insanely over ambitious looking back.. I definitely assumed everything would go much faster with the doc than it did, but.. I’ll say now that by this time next year I fully expect to have achieved that goal. Can’t wait to write again!

Heart/Mind Goals:

I aimed at 7000 minutes and 20mins/day average.. The phone won’t tell me how many minutes unless I sit and add up each day.. but it does say 21 mins/day avg for the year, which is crazy! I touched on what I feel like I get out of meditation a few times earlier so I won’t yammer on rewording the same thoughts, but it feels good to know I’ve been able to take a small step in the direction I think is good for me. I want to do much longer sits this year.

Elliptical/Sauna.. 

I’m sure I also averaged 20/mins in the sauna for the year but the elliptical I walked away from in favor of shorter runs on the treadmill so.. I sorta traded that and my phone doesn’t track the treadmill so.. you’ll have to take my word that I feel I probably did also get that average. I was in the gym a LOT this year. Ha!

Fed My Head:

I aimed at 12 audiobooks and I did 17. I would love to do even more but editing requires the focus of all the faculties I possess.

I certainly however did not “read more than 10 books.” I read chunks of a lot of books mostly relating to preparing film syllabi and keeping my head in the film problem solving space. But I just finished of Year of Magical Thinking, given to me by my dad after my friend Palma died. It’s a tough read b/c of what the author went through, and not at all what I expected from the title, but I would recommend it for anyone who cares about people :)  

A Very Special THANK YOU to Scott McCarthy 

Owner of Balance Strength and Fitness Center www.balancefitnesstraining.com

Scott voluntarily gave me a 4 day workout routine. He tailored it to my situation, a slowly healing elbow and someone who can’t spend 3 hours in the gym everyday.. and while my food and beer habits probably prevented me from losing the belly flab, I definitely gained noticeable muscle in my arms, chest and legs. So, I’m certainly stronger than I’ve ever been and in a pretty well rounded way. Without Scott’s workout plan I’m sure that I would’ve waffled from one thing to the next w/o seeing any results, but with it, I had just the right amount of workout 4 days a week and I was able to push myself each time I walked into the gym. And it was great to know that I had a map from someone who looks like the Incredible Hulk and has been training people for 20 years. He just moved into a new place and upgraded the gym that he owns. He also knows a ton about nutrition and will happily call bullshit on a lot of fads that come through, but he’ll tell you exactly why it’s bullshit. Much Respect! Scott! I owe you some video work, brother! Let’s coordinate and we’ll put some cool spots together for the gym. If you (dear reader) are in the Delaware area and want to get real about training stop reading this and drive directly to his gym… unless it’s really late. Then just go FIRST THING TOMORROW!

Final Thoughts..

I want to thank every single person who read this thing even once and especially those of you who shot me a little word of encouragement or a book suggestion along the way privately or publicly. I truly do believe as an experiment it was successful even if all the goals weren’t met b/c I did have the idea of being held accountable for my actions in mind probably more than you’d imagine. And while it didn’t keep every cheeseburger or cigarette out of my face, it did get me to meditate on weeks where I might not have at all. And the fact that I mediated a few times or ate healthier a few times to be able to report that I had done so doesn’t make me feel like I’m somehow a fake. I was as honest as I could be about everything I did and in the case of food, exercise and mediation in service of the audience.. I still get the benefit of each thing even if it isn’t coming from some pure unpolluted source of willpower. I think there’s a bit of horseshit in most ideas that swirl around purity anyway, so.. I’m good with using the blog in the way that I did.

I’m also glad to be done. Ha! I’m happy that I stuck with it for the full year, but.. I’m looking forward to returning to keeping my shameful failures quiet like everyone else online. When I get time I will probably go back and read through the entire year and there’s a chance I might gain some personal insights from that, so I look forward to doing that. And after a borderline belligerent 10 days in New Orleans to celebrate the fact that I’m still standing at 40, I’m also looking forward to getting back to regular exercise (which I did none of in Nola even tho I brought the running shoes :D) as well as returning to eating more like an athlete in training than an idiot with a death wish. I did yoga Thursday and got back in the gym for the first full workout of the new year today - one week after getting back from vacation.

Goals for 2019:

Heart/Mind

Some kind of dinner with people once or twice a month Keep a daily food and exercise journal Mediate 30mins/day Listen to 20 Books Read 5 Books

Career

Get the film sold at a festival Finish a feature screenplay and get lead cast attached  

Body

Zero Cigarettes Lose most of the belly flab - I just signed up for an 8 week fitness challenge at my gym :) Maintain Gym routine (4-6 days/week weights, 2-3 mile runs 1-2 days/week) Keep doing yoga once a week Keep an eye on Blood Pressure

Food

Take probiotic stomach supplements for a year.  Beef no more than once a week (taper down to once a month by end of year) Quit fast food. AKA - quit being gross, AKA quit using my organs as an industrial sludge filter    

Eat more good for your gut stuff in general (straight copying my cousin on his cabbage soup/quinoa moves)  

Booze

Alcohol limited to dinner with friends and 1 glass of wine with dinner (I did this wine w/ dinner thing for a stretch of time in the past. It worked and I like it). Not drinking makes it a lot easier to quit smoking as well - I once quit both for 9 months.. I did the one glass of wine/night all last week. It worked. And I’m cutting beer completely for the next 8 weeks so as to get fucking shredded to maximum and win $750 from this god damn fitness challenge.

I think a big part of why some people find it hard to finish writing books.. or anything is b/c they don’t feel like the end is good enough.. and maybe this end is lacking. I put off writing it for a couple weeks b/c I wanted to make it special in some way.. I wanted it to feel like an amazing ending.. but done is better than perfect and I am now done. I love y’all! I really do! Thanks for all the support!

And remember.. “when things look bad and it looks like you’re not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plumb, mad-dog mean. ‘Cause if you lose your head and you give up.. then you neither live nor win. That’s just the way it is.” - (fictional character) Josey Wales  

Get Mean in 2019 ;)

[anawrecksyou-blog1]

a message to my flatmates

tomorrow I go back to university, I’m excited to go back, but also terrified. my ED is a million times worse at uni. it’s not the only reason; but I think it’s easier at home because, at home my eating disorder is - almost - a secret. and I’m prepared to work hard to keep it that way. I don’t have this motivation at uni, all three people that I live with know. I wish more than anything that they didn’t. nevertheless they are all brilliant with it - I cannot fault them. 

however, they don’t understand. this is not their fault - they’ve all tried to. but I can’t talk about my ED without sobbing, getting worked up and saying all of the wrong things. so I’m gonna write down what I wish I could say to them. the whole truth. I’ll probably never show this to them, but it’ll be nice and therapeutic to get it all of my chest.

~~~

to Lucy, Dan and Teddy

I will start with an apology. I am so sorry for bringing this into your lives; sorry for every time I have cried on your shoulders, sorry for all the worry, and sorry for all the lies. there were a lot of lies. especially first year.

‘I ate dinner’ ‘I’ve not been sick’ ‘’I’ve got no more diet pills’ and the biggest one: ‘I’m trying to recover.’ 

1st year I did nothing to fight my ED. why would I? my ED was my best friend. I never felt good enough, and my ED offered me a way to cope with this. here’s why:

I have never felt smart, pretty or even vaguely likeable in any way. the only good quality I never doubt is skinny - so I needed to be flawlessly fat free. it was all I had to feel good about.

the less I eat, the lighter and freer I feel - the starvation high. when I feel this way, all my other worries melt away

I like punishing myself. when I do something wrong, I feel like I can repent by starving myself - it shows how sorry I am. I don’t feel worthy of food, I feel I’m doing the right thing by depriving my body. which is way I have to ask that you always let me repay my debts - even if you think I owe you nothing - because if not the guilt will eat at me, and I will eat nothing.

1st year I wanted anorexia an bulimia. the advantages shone so brightly to me. I never cared about the dangerous effects it was all having on my health. I wasn’t bothered in the slightest that I was always exhausted - to the point where I would need to lie down after climbing the stairs to our flat. I gave zero shits about my constant lightheadedness - which meant that I’d sit on the sofa with you and I wouldn’t be able to focus on what you were saying.. sometimes I couldn’t even see or hear you. and I wasn’t even massively worried when you found me unconscious on my bedroom floor. I was more stressed about the implications for you guys than I was for myself - I didn’t want you to worry about me. that is just how little I cared about myself - as long as I was getting thinner, nothing else mattered. 

over the summer things picked up. mum placed meals in front of me and I can’t disappoint her. I have less to worry about at home. I feel valued and important. I categorically know that my mum and sister would never think me fat. I know people like me there. so I managed to cut down my ED behaviours and cope with just diet pills. one before and one after eating. I got through a pack of 150 (which should last 150 days) in six weeks. by the end of summer I’d cut it down to only taking pills when I was desperate. I figured my ED had ended. but I was wrong. I never fixed my eating disorder, I never tackled it, I just hid from it for a bit. it was still waiting for me. 

last semester things were tough. but there was one big change from first year - I wanted recovery. the strains of the lifestyle - after being lifted from me for a few months - suddenly seemed overwhelming and unnecessary. last year I was crying myself to sleep because I was fat and worthless - now I cry myself to to sleep because I have an eating disorder. I always knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I wasn’t aware of just how tough it was:

before I only got out of bed because I promised myself ‘you don’t need to eat today’ but now I have to say ‘somehow today, you’ll need to have some food’ it’s a battle to get out of bed

before it was ‘how will I skip dinner’ which is simple; just don’t eat. but now it’s ‘how am I going to eat tonight’ which is an impossibly difficult question; what will I eat, when will I eat, how will I make sure no one sees, how will I keep it down? it’s a battle to have dinner

before it was natural to be sick - I was good at it. now after eating I instantly feel sick, but can’t let myself eliviate the feeling. it’s a battle to stay out of the bathroom

before I had my ED to give me confidence, now I have none. it’s a battle to leave my bedroom

and it’s all exhausting. nevertheless, it’s necessary and unavoidable, I have to go through this. I will come out the other side. I’ve made more progress than you guys realise. it was so easy to hide it from you last year, but now we live in a house with thin walls and shared bathrooms. last year I ate 2/3 times a week, threw up 4/5 times, popped way too many diet pills and consumed my body weight in alcohol most nights. this year I’ve been eating almost every day and I’ve only thrown up seven times. my successes are quiet, whereas my failures are loud - you only notice when I mess up - but I promise I’m having more successes than failures. I’m feeling relatively optimistic actually. I have a plan:

plan meals and actually go food shopping - I went three times last semester for a proper food shop, this is not enough

follow said meal plan, and stick it on my bedroom wall so I can’t avoid it

never drink on an empty stomach

destroy the laxatives

after eating, avoid being alone - even if I just sit in the living room in silence with you guys

but equally, leave the room when I feel uncomfortable

stop trying to hide when I’m eating - it’s not needed and makes the ordeal 100% more stressful

stop buying tiny sized clothes

open my eyes to the fact that I actually have loads and loads of friends in Aber, I don’t need anorexia and bulimia to be my friends too

ask for help when I need it

and acting upon number ten; here are some little things you could - only if you don’t mind of course - do to help me:

never tell me I’m skinny, even if I’m screaming at you that I’m fat - unless you use the term ‘anorexically thin’ I won’t think I’m thin enough, I’ll pick up that you’re paying attention to my waistline and that’s motivation to lose weight

please avoid me when I’m cooking. I worry that if you see me eating then you’ll think I’m lying about having an eating disorder. I don’t want what happened to Becca to happen to me

if I come and sit in the living room after having obviously been crying, don’t ask. if I’ve come downstairs then I want a distraction

let me apologise to you and never let me be in your debt. the guilt will get at me too badly

if you hear me crying, leave me alone. as much as I desperately want someone to help me, in the long run it is not productive you coming in and telling me that it’s fine. it’s not fine. and I won’t get better as long as I have you telling me this. you’re saying exactly what I need to hear in the moment, but when you tell me it’s okay, I’ll do it again. I’m beyond grateful that you’ve come to help me, but I need recovery motivation right now, so unless you’re going to come into my room and scream at me that anorexia will kill me, please leave me alone

when I’m being sick, give me space. I’m already beyond ashamed, I don’t need to feel embarrassed as well. again don’t try and comfort me. comfort me and I’ll do it again. although maybe drop me a message just to tell me that you’ve heard it, I don’t wanna get it in my head that you guys don’t hear me

Dan, keep with our little plan. it is working well. I trust your judgement as to whether you think I should have them, so maybe start being a little stricter with me. only when you think it’ll actually help me eat

other than that, treat me completely normally

I’m going to finish with a thank you. I could never express into words how unbelievably grateful I am to all of you. without you guys I know that my ED would be so much worse, because although I never do talk to you about it, it is so reassuring to know that I could. please never think I take you for granted. I dunno what happens next, but I’m aware that I have a serious problem, and for the first time in my life, I am serious about beating this.

[complexedandfruity]

ok y’all maybe don’t reblog & feel free to scroll past but if i didn’t think my m*m was a narcissist before i definitely do now bc holy shit, i’m gonna pop this under a read more bc idk how long this’ll get & it feels weird ? to talk about online like this but yeah haha

ok so my mom is going back to school to actually finish a degree (which, like, go her bc that shit isn’t easy at any age let alone when you’re 40) & rn she’s in the 2nd of 3 college algebra classes that are required for her program & she’s taking them all in a row to get them done & over with. my sisters & i have been helping her through it, bc we’ve actually taken a math class in this century & mostly remember how to do things & on top of being the 40-year-old freshman my mom is dyslexic af & doesn’t have a math brain & all that fun stuff. you’d think it’d be totally fine, right?

haha

while i’m the kind of person that has been all but conditioned into not asking for help, my mom will ask for help at the first sign of trouble. & since the dynamic between us is so willy wonky & she is so much Like That™ (see my “my mom is problematic tag” for tip of iceberg), me “helping” her is primarily doing the problem for her, either in my head to check her work because she’s been on the same section for over an hour & is frustrated to the point that heads are about to start rolling unless she gets this next problem right & can finally move on or on paper so she can see what the hell she needs to do because holy shit this shit is explained in a language not even traditional college kids who are used to hearing stuff like this can understand. the number of times i have silently taught myself something just to turn around and attempt to explain it to her are staggering.

bc here’s the thing y’all. i may have a math brain. i may have a bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering from a really, really good school (something i will continue to brag about). i may have taken 6 semesters of math classes in pursuit of that degree. but you know what kind of classes i didn’t take? teaching classes! not a single one!! bc i decided at age 10 that i didn’t want to be a teacher!!! i am not equipped with the skills & tools necessary to teach algebra to a dyslexic 40-year-old freshman who is also my mother!! & that’s okay!! bc that’s not my job!!!

but onto the point of this post: what happened yesterday

my mom is inside working on hw at the kitchen table. i’m out in the backyard, vibing at a picnic table we have out there & facetiming with melanie bc two years prior had been the concert where we met in person for the first time & we were being sappy af. at one point my mom comes out to ask me a question, which i could answer pretty quick & it was all good.

a little while later, she comes back out. she’s starting a new section, topic, whatever ya wanna call it, & it was similar to what she was doing before but it was like a different way of doing it. i hadn’t seen it before, but there was an example that walked you through how to do it, so ya girl learned. melanie is vibing on facetime, literally the most patient person on the planet & the greatest friend i could ask for. once i understand, i try to start explaining.

i feel the need to mention that i was a touch intoxicated (on the tail-end of my first hard cider of the day), which was known to my mother bc the nearly empty bottle was sitting on the picnic table in front of me. this would not be the first time i’ve helped her with math while intoxicated. it will not be the last (unless i magically never help her with math again, which hahahahaha fat chance). there’s a chance i was on my second drink, but i’m pretty sure it was my first. idk for sure (monkey brain memory), but either way i was a little gone but not that far.

i walk my mom through the steps once. she gets parts of it (like i said, it’s similar to what she was doing before) but overall still doesn’t get it which, like, fair. i go through it again. after a 3rd time, there’s a small thing she’s stuck on that isn’t part of the overall technique. then she starts asking me why she has to do this, why it works like that, why is there a -1. i try answering her why questions, but she keeps asking the exact same questions. she’s fixated on why -2 divided by 2 is -1. she thinks it should be 0. the amount of flagrant disregard for the basic laws of algebra & math in general, & the fact that i apparently can’t possibly know these things that she doesn’t know, really gets to me. she asks me why one more time, & i finally lose it.

i say (& this is paraphrased bc my memory is absolute shit), “because i have a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering from [insert school name] & took 6 semesters of math while i was there & know what i’m talking about when it comes to math, that’s why!” in this weird, high-pitched yell that was trying really hard not to be a yell bc we were outside & also bc i was a daughter yelling at their mother & also also bc i was intoxicated & trying so desperately to act like i wasn’t.

there was this moment of silence where we just looked at each other. i was trying not to laugh, bc my go-to when there’s even a little stress or tension in any situation is humor & my brain was jumping right to “this is the most absurd situation you have ever been in in your entire life. you just had to yell at your mother about math. remember when she taught you the real long division bc the school was teaching you some shitty confusing way to do it? remember when she taught you about fractions two years before the school did? & now she’s doubting your math knowledge. she’s been telling everybody & their brother on social media how proud she is of you graduating college, & you just had to remind her that you’re the one with the bachelor’s degree. not her. all because she thinks she knows more than you. holy shit. you can’t make this shit up.”

after she was done staring at me, i shit y’all not, she shrunk. she made herself small. she rolled her shoulders forward, & hung her head, & reached forward with this little dinosaur arm to grab her scratch paper from in front of me. she physically victimized herself bc i had yelled at her, & i fell for it. an apology started rolling off my tongue before i could even think to make it stop, which i’m sure is exactly what she wanted. she grabbed all her stuff & went back inside, & she soon stopped doing hw for the night.

but y’all, maybe it’s bc i’ve never really yelled or been at all, yanno, confrontational about her behavior, but i’ve never seen her switch her behavior that aggressively to get what she wants before. i’ve seen smaller doses of things that point to narcissistic behavior in the past, but never anything like this. nothing ever this glaring. my only qualm with my reaction, & i know this isn’t my fault especially since this is the first time it’s happened this aggressively to me & i only really recognized what happened after the fact, is that i played into it. i gave her what she wanted. at least i know what to expect in the future & can be prepared for the next time this eventually happens, at any scale, so i won’t play into it & give her what she wants.

also i’m not gonna like tag this with anything other than the tag for my mom’s sketchy shit ? idk why i’m feeling so weird about this like 4 people are gonna see this probably & there’s like an almost zero chance of anyone near her seeing it so i’m just being weird for nothing but idk i’d rather be too cautious than not cautious enough ya know??

[plogan721]

I am OK

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Today is a random day of writing.  I have never had a day like this in quite a while.  Most of us have never had a day like this.  It is called social distancing. 

In many cultures that make up the human race, it is a necessity to gather together as a community.   In the United States, we must gather for:

Photo by Pixaby

Social events, such as sports, concerts and to worship

Family events.  Family is important to some people and it does not matter if they are biological or adopted.

Work.  We work for food, clothing, shelter, and enough money to buy the entertainment tickets, pay our tithes and offerings, and help out with family and friends. Note:  you do not need a car in most cases, but you do need to get some mode of transportation, such as a subway/train, bus, or Uber/Lyft/taxi services. Unless you manage to become an entrepreneur or work remotely from home through your job, chances are that you will be working with a co-worker or two.

Before I begin with today’s topic of discussion

I had originally titled this piece, “Corona, Corona” (those people of the baby boomer generation know exactly where the title was taken from, I am slightly younger than you). I wanted to take it in another direction.  I am not an expert on all things disease-wise and I do not want to get into a debate with anyone who is dealing with this strain (doctors, nurses, the CDC), so I am leaving out the details of this strain.  You already have heard what to do, and you know what your limitations are in terms of temporary restrictions and such. Each country is different, as well as each area of that country is different. Please be diligent and mindful of the rules and regulations that are given to you by the people who are in charge. In other words, be safe.

Now on to today’s blog post….

Like everyone, this virus has me on edge.  This virus is not good for the elderly and those with a compromised immune system, so I have a concern for my parents.

The world as we knew it.

On top of that, I temporary have a cat.  My nephew and his girlfriend are temporarily staying with my parents because they just had a baby and they are finding an apartment.  Gizmo is their cat, so they will get her when the time comes. 

I have two dates that I feel will be canceled due to this virus.   I am sure that everyone had that one place which was canceled due to Covid-19.  The first one happens every first Tuesday of each month.  It is a woman’s business group that I belong to.  I hope the meetings will resume in May.  The second date is a date I could not get out of in the first place.  It is jury duty.  I have to go unless the courts decide to delay jury duty, which I hope they do.  I avoided it twice in my life.  I also had planned on going to a scrapbooking event scheduled for this weekend, but it ended up being an online event anyway.

Ohio’s governor, Mike DeWine, has issued a “Shelter in Place” ordinance as of 11:59pm last week.  I have said this about Longaberger’s deadlines for shipping and sales campaigns before, and I will say again for those in the back, “who stops or starts anything at 11:59 pm it makes no sense?”  It is like any price with $.99 tacked at the end of a whole price.  You might as well put zeros at the end of the price ($5.00 instead of $4.99).  You might as well say 12 am instead of 11:59pm. What does that curfew allow me to do and not do? The same thing that I have not been able to do in the first place:  Eat in restaurants, go to movies, worship at church, shop at all hours of the night (oops, I thought that was the reason for online shopping, LOL), drive (unless you have a job to go to), and social mingling.  I think that is most of the country. 

The governor, as well as The president, does encourage everyone to work at home.  The problem is that most minority groups as a whole cannot afford to work from home.  This includes taking online classes that university students have to finish by the end of the semester.  Once done, they are officially on break until further notice.

The Walt Disney Company, which had originally closed its Asian parks, now has closed the North American and European parks as well.  This gives me time to properly plan my next vacation, which is making up for the one I had to cancel in October 2019 for travel to Disney World in Florida in December.  I will put up a report in my new Disney blog in May or sooner, so I will not bog down this blog or Home Prep (formally known as At Home with Tricia's Baskets). Meanwhile, Shanghai Disney is slowly getting back to normal, by reopening the market area, Disneytown first, the parks and resorts second. Disney has slated the reopening of both The Disneyland Resorts and Walt Disney World Resorts as of April 1st, but that all depends on Florida’s governor and the president, and the rule that governs this country at the time of the reopening.

(Update:  Even as I write this post, things have changed.  Everything is canceled at the Disney American parks until further notice.  The earliest booking you can make is for June 1st.  I am understanding that this is the time that the Reservation line for both resorts will be staffed.  Cast members (employees) will be paid until April 18th).

Most schools are closed at least until April 13.  Some are even out for the summer.  I know that Columbus Public, one of the largest school districts in the state of Ohio are out until April 13.  If extended, this could mean that they will be out for the rest of the school year.  Until then, most school districts, including Columbus are providing home school assistance.  

There is so much more that we do not know about this virus.  If I happen to sell something during this crisis, I am wondering how I am going to deliver it. Am I going to be able to go to the post office?  Of course, there is the Disney event that I would like to attend in May.  I just found out that they opened up another date for it.  It is now a day date of May 12, which is actually the day before the date of May 13, which is still sold out.  May 14 is still available as well.

Things to do if reading books, watching television, and using social media get you down:

Organize.  Now it the time for spring cleaning.  “You have junk.  I have junk.  All of God’s children got junk.  Before this virus is over, we going to get rid of our junk, and then we going to walk around a clean house.  A clean house.  A clean house.  We going to walk around a clean house.”  Shout out to that verse based on the Negro Spiritual, “I Got Shoes.”  I hope I do not get kicked out of heaven for that.   But seriously, get rid of the junk, open up the window, and clean.  Get rid of the cobwebs while you are at it.

Take up a new hobby.  Have you always wanted to learn something new?  Now is the time to learn how to get yourself promoted if you have a job or think that drawing Mickey Mouse is cool.  There are free and paid courses online that will teach you. 

Side hustle.  Do you have that drive to start a business?  You may not be able to go out and look at spaces to rent. (Now is not the time anyway and it is not the first thing you do when starting one).  You can start a babysitting service for people who have to work during that time (even though my lovely governor is trying to poo-poo that plan that states you have to apply for a crisis license to keep children during this time).  How about a virtual assistant?  Freelance writer or graphic designer?  Offer your expertise with an online course.

Catch up on sleep.  OK, this is a stretch, especially if you have kids.  I am speaking from the experience of a single woman with no kids, I can do this.  I am also speaking from a person who has a business I work from home. I may not be able to see clients (unless I do video conferencing, which I have not set up yet), but at present, I can catch up with sleep.

Update something on your computer.  One of the things I am tackling while I am in a sort of downtime, is updating my blogs.  As I have explained before this pandemic, I want to switch platforms.  I am now officially in a love/hate relationship with Blogger, and I have read another blogger website, and I want off this train called Blogger.   I have said that Blogger is good for the person who is starting their blog, but you do not have to stay there.  Hopefully, this will be completed by the end of next week.  I started last night, looking at WordPress themes, and I think I will be using the same theme that I have used for my P. Lynne Designs website (which is almost completed), and it is a paid theme, that uses Elementor and I think it is a go on that.  I saw some that I might use for my ATWTB/Home Prep blog, and my newly decided Disney blog.  But one blog at a time, when you have to finish your website.

Home and Business Projects.  This is not to be confused with the home organization, though it could contain organizing with the project, depending on how you will use it.   I would start off with this:  Name your project and ask yourself “if money was no objection, what would that project look like”?  Is it a big or little project?  Big as in it will cost over $350 or whatever budget over your minimum projected cost, little as under $350 or below your minimum.  I used $350 because that is my minimum for a big project.  Minimum looks good on paper to me because I can always get $350 from my personal, personal bankers, my parents if strapped for cash and it is an emergency.  Why not $500?  Because this is the amount that if I had an emergency, my father would pay, but would get mad at me for not having in reserves.

There are really a whole host of other things you can do while you are stuck inside.  I have a cousin whose daughter is learning how to tap dance.  She takes it anyway (FINALLY, I am not the ONLY tap dancer in the family), but while she is away from her dance teacher, she is still learning.  Speaking of learning, many schools have home school for their students, this is the time for you to learn what your child is learning (remember CORE math, anyone?).  Learn a new skill.  There are plenty of online courses to take at little to no cost. Take a drive.  Yes, you can go outdoors without coming into contact with people.  It depends on your government's curfew.

Summary/conclusion

As for me, again, I am doing my part. I had to get a couple of items from the grocery store today.  Nothing major, some tomatoes and a favorite black bean and corn salsa that I use as a sauce for spaghetti/ramen noodles.  The Starbucks in that store was open, so I used my rewards card to score some major points on my Cookie Crumble Frap.  I will be online shopping.

I hope you take some lessons from this self-quarantine situation.  Learn how to appreciate all that was given to you before this time, like freedom, perseverance, and a job.  Survivor, the television show needs to go off the air after this because we would have all survived Quarantine 2020 like nobody’s business, and Phil needs to find a new job.

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